#I deeply love mri so maybe this is just part of it

[asaltyarchon]

I don’t care what anyone says or thinks, but listening to MRI machine noises is so weirdly calming for me and puts my brain into this nice calm state of focus. It’s probably bc I used to scan in MRI and would listen to these things run for hours and hours a day, but if I put the volume just low enough to sound like it did at work, it scratches my brain so absolutely perfectly. Nothing matches it.

Anyway here’s a sexy 8 hour video for your listening pleasure:

[weirdmageddon]

long meditation on jade and dave's relationship - part 1

here's a three-part heavy homestuck meta. took me about 3 days to scrobble together and format and everything

part 2 part 3 cooking

i apologize in advance for the disorganization of my thoughts. after writing it i realized this is probably one of the clearest glances into how my mind thinks associatively so everything relates in some way to something else in here. the foundations for my thoughts might be invisible to others because they can’t see the connections ive built upon but you can probably see them here, and that strong foundation is also why i care so much about them and why i chose to lay it all out. sometimes i feel like i have Got to get this tangled associative web out of my head and into some form of writing so other people can be like, “oh so This is why you have so much to say” and can just. see into my head and where it all comes from for me. people have expressed interest and the general opinion tends to be that people like hearing my thoughts a lot so yeah. pov you are in my brainwebs. seatbelts everyone get on the magic school bus in that bitch

some time ago i saw this post i saw as i was going through florals jade tag again. my homestuck hyperfixation flared up again and ive been hyperfocused on dave and jade and particular just absolutely entering these monotropic black holes over them and turning them around at different angles and looking at discussions and what people thought both now and in the past and now that im older i can appreciate them even more. ive always been a fan of dave and jade both, but i cant even lie dave has my whole heart so maybe im biased as well. but i like to believe that regardless of my liking for dave and interest in not even x-ray scanning him just straight up 3D mri scanning him and rotating him in my head that my argument is still very reasonable. i just understand his psychology a lot

i want to preface this by saying i absolutely love floral and im so glad she’s on the hsbc team because i know she can do jade harley justice. one of the best jadesters fr. we all come into media analysis with different personal experiences and perspectives, and i understand this was from her perspective as someone who had run ins with dumb boys and relates a lot to jade which is why she can put so much love into her <3 i just found myself disagreeing with some of the arguments that she presented in that post just as a peer who also read the comic from my own perspective. keep in mind i also love jade to bits and want the best for her

so yea this isn’t a targeted post at all. it just got the juices flowing and inspired me to actually write my pre-existing thoughts down and i used it as a springboard for them

i think it ended up being pretty insightful overall especially because i was stoned as fuck writing it and ive come to realize being stoned amplifies and improves the output of my deeply inwardly associative thought processes tenfold. or maybe weed just changes how significant it feels. maybe a little of both

part 1: on using davesprite as a basis for interpreting jade's relationship with all daves

i love what hussie does with alternate versions of characters and. it’s one of the coolest things about homestuck’s characterization. like floral quoted:

… we see that Jack is a simple man, no matter what name he goes by. He is, if not much else (and he’s not), impatient and violent. We only got the briefest glimpse into these qualities when we were first introduced to him on Derse. But now we get to spend much more time with him, albeit in the form of a completely different character. This is another bit of sneaky utility provided by this intermission tangent. It serves as an arc to help indirectly characterize the villain of the early acts. Having multiple copies of a character operating in totally different circumstances turns out to be a great stealth characterization tactic, and it gets used much more aggressively later in the story. In fact, it proves to be inseparable from one of the story’s most essential themes. (Hussie’s Intermission commentary)

so i agree in principle and think the alt self thing is fucking brilliant

however, i disagree with the argument it’s supporting.

So, not the same character, but if switched, I would go out on a limb and say that Dave would experience all the same issues as Davesprite did, but without the “bird” part acting as an easy explanation. That doesn’t make Dave responsible but it does speak volumes to how their personalities respond to each other, insinuates that a relationship involving any Dave would end badly for Jade and that “Real” Dave indeed has Some Issues To Deal With.

i don't agree that dave and davesprite should be compared in this context. yes they are splinters of the same character and floral is right on the money in that canon deflecting the relationship failing on "bird issues" doesn't really explain anything meaningful, but i do not think its the case that all of jade’s relationships with dave are doomed to fail because of what we saw with jade and davesprite.

yes, if switched, dave strider would be practically identical to davesprite since they were the same exact person until a branch in the timeline

however, it's the unique things davesprite has been through that made him like this. davesprite has baggage that dave doesn't. a timeline where john was tricked into fighting his denizen early and died and jade couldn't get in on time and was presumably wiped out dinosaur style on earth. with alt future dave's year-worth of knowledge, gear, loot, and experience, he rescinded his player status and "realness" as a human person to be a game guide for his naive past self right before the timeline split in order for himself and his friends to continue existing.

that would mess anyone up mentally. it's no wonder he's jaded, no pun intended. he's depressed as shit and bitter and probably has trauma issues unrelated to his bro, though they do compound on it. yes they both experienced bro's abuse but i'm talking about the differences between alpha timeline dave and davesprite; right now im not going to talk about things that are the same about them prior to the timeline split because it applies to them both so it's redundant.

essentially what's setting them apart is their experiences playing sburb, their chronological age (alt future dave/davesprite had been making timeloops over a span of four months and he says that in total the time from his chronological perspective is close to a YEAR in sburb grinding shit out before he goes back), their relationship to their friends and how their friends see them and how they see themselves, their ontological natures as beings, what their purposes are.

davesprite had his ontological status as a person and purpose changed. he assumed he'd be the one playing and doing important main shit in the alpha timeline with all his friends but then it turns out that wasn't the case due to the events that went down in his timeline. and becoming a sprite solidly changed his degree of existence. davesprite's best friend john asking if he can talk to "the real dave" is when i think he realized just how fucked up his existence as a person has become despite him doing pretty much everything for everyone for nearly a YEAR before the alpha timeline was even able to get properly started. if davesprite didn’t exist, nobody would have (john needed to live to do ectobiology). davesprite knew this and weaponized it against john who john treated as a secondary, lesser dave. so of course he’s kind of an asshole. it’s like his efforts and sacrifices meant squat to the people he considered his best friends because they didn’t experience it. to john he just suddenly appeared from the future and became a sprite.

this is heavy shit for davesprite that alpha timeline dave does NOT have to go through and it did change him in ways that cannot be said about alpha timeline dave. this is not a universal dave experience. so while it’s true that dave has the capacity of act like davesprite under those exact circumstances, alpha timeline dave didn’t undergo those that led to davesprite’s more miserable traits. therefore i don’t think it’s fair to conflate jade’s failed relationship with davesprite in particular as informing of how most of jade and dave’s relationships would unfold, because davesprite has been in exceptionally tragic circumstances, coming to terms with the state of his own existence. the last thing davesprite needs is romance. alpha timeline dave does not carry this burden.

Everyone believed that what was creating the dissonance wasn’t a central part to Dave’s character but an aftereffect of Bird Syndrome. Which you can’t blame them for because there’s nothing that would lead them to think differently. Every character besides Dirk is completely in the dark about Bro’s abuse and Dave stated he’d probably never tell any of the Betas. Which is fine, no one’s owed to know somebody’s baggage. But when you don’t give people a means to understand what you’re going through, especially when it leads you to hurt them, its only inevitable everyone’s going to be confused and going to come to conclusions using what they do know.

rebuttal to this: as i said earlier i don’t buy the whole bird issues thing and i get the handwaviness about being fused with a bird being john’s explanation for davesprite’s bullshittery. however i think it’s important to mention that john and jade both question if becoming a sprite might have had something to do with his change.

being fused with a bird never bothered him, as jade says. it was all the other baggage that came with the prototyping.

this includes playing the game for way longer than anyone else and mindlessly grinding from the ground up for about a year, then turning himself into a game construct and having his ontological level of existence as the platonic ideal form of dave strider lowered in the eyes of his friends.

JOHN: like what? JADE: its hard to explain JADE: just some slight differences in personality i guess JOHN: he still raps sometimes. JADE: yes... JADE: so? JOHN: i just thought i would mention that. JADE: ok i will admit i cant really tell if his rapping style has changed JOHN: trust me, it hasn't. JADE: i dont know if the differences are because he is a sprite JADE: or because he lived for a while in a different timeline... (p.4733)

JOHN: why is he such a basket case? he's like regular dave, but like, aloof enigma edition. JOHN: maybe it's because he's part bird? i think becoming a bird and a sprite did something weird to him. JADE: i dont think being a bird ever bothered him JADE: like i said... its all more complicated than that JOHN: normal dave was so much more level headed. JOHN: i have to admit, i spend a lot of time wondering what he and rose are up to. JADE: me too JOHN: ehh... JOHN: maybe it's for the best he broke up with you. JADE: why? JOHN: well, what kind of future do you think you would have with him? JOHN: he's a sprite. like really, what even is a sprite? how long do they live? will he still be around if we win the new game we are allegedly trying to get to? JADE: i dont know (p.5294)

as for the bro abuse thing, i can’t tell if floral’s position here is that davesprite is fucked up and had a failed relationship with jade because of bro’s abuse, and that dave would also necessarily have failed relationships with jade because he had the same experiences and also doesn’t tell anybody? the wording there is kind of vague and can be interpreted in different ways but that’s how i interpreted it.

they are right that bro’s abuse is something dave keeps to himself. but remember that dave has also deluded himself about it to cope. he doesn’t know what to think of it himself. both alpha timeline dave and davesprite have this baggage, but we explore it more with alpha timeline dave.

i know dave said in the post-retcon timeline when having a conversation with dirk that he could never tell karkat all of this or any of the betas about his abuse. but i still find this pesterlog interesting and i want to put a spotlight on it. even while dave was still chugging that copium, jade was the person he was closest to opening up about the nature of his relationship to his bro at this point. remember this is quite early on in the comic and he didn’t have 3 years on the meteor to contemplate it yet when he said this to her, his bro had just died at this point

GG: anyway dave im really sorry about your bro/dad GG: you were pretty close with him right? TG: meh it was a pretty bizarre relationship by any standard TG: fightin off wave after wave of face pumicing puppet ass every day TG: always being on guard for stealth attacks in the middle of the night while getting up to go to the fucking bathroom GG: heheh TG: but i guess it all sorta amounted to some vague unspoken semblance of kinship TG: if thats a thing TG: like if honor among thieves is something then lets call it camaraderie among ironic rapping roof ninjas TG: but thanks GG: sure TG: i thought about taking his sword TG: when i was there TG: but i couldnt TG: couldnt really bring myself to try to pull it out it was too weird GG: dave we have to stop him!!!!! TG: what GG: jack! GG: he shouldnt get away with this TG: you think (p.3204)

even if he’s in denial about it, deciding to point out the positivity he can rationalize about it to avoid spending too much time thinking deeply about it (it makes him uncomfortable), he’s getting closer to acknowledging the truth here that shit wasn’t normal, about it being “bizarre” and you can tell hes being genuine here when he thanks jade for her concern about his loss

dave then continues talking about his thoughts/feelings on the situation after jade says “sure”, as if he took her concern as an invite to open up about his thoughts even when it’s something vulnerable for him that he tried putting on false bravado in front of terezi about. jade then abruptly changes topic to what’s to be practically done about these tragedies—dave was still on the topic of his bro and she changed the topic to jack noir without clarifying, hence he goes “what”

this is interesting because terezi tried to get something out of him about this and was met by riddly puzzlecock and false bravado but he’s pretty straight up about his current feelings with jade. basically it really depends on the person dave is talking to.

in this specific argument, floral approaches grimbark jade solely from the position of her being uninhibited which is true in many ways, but grimbark jade is also quite nefarious and not in her right mind. i think that even if jade were unihibited and spoke her mind, she wouldn’t have it in her push the mayor into lava to get dave to fight her. thats the evil. floral does acknowledge this in a separate post though, but it’s not really touched on in her argument im discussing. i also want to reiterate that even though it might seem like im violently ripping this post limb from limb its really just something to bounce my pre-existing thoughts off of. this is all written with civility towards and respect for floral

even roxy says something about this—that the schtick doesnt suit her. like it doesnt feel like something she’d have the natural capacity to really be without some external influence

ROXY: so alt grannydaughter english ROXY: whyre u part dog + evil lookin JADE: DO NOT CALL ME THAT!!! ROXY: what JADE: my surname is harley not english JADE: but you may refer to me as jade, or ma'am if you are feeling especially nervous and deferential JADE: which as it turns out is the way you should be feeling about me, ALWAYS >:B ROXY: LOL!!! JADE: lol WHAT ROXY: jade i am in no way buying that ur normally this pompous and tyrannical ROXY: the shtick rly doesnt suit you its so obvious (p.6291)

so i don’t think everything jade says here should be taken to heart about her real feelings or how she would express them if she was being genuine as her normal self. we know jade can get mad but i think we’re giving her evil possession a little too much credit

that’s why i was personally disappointed in grimbark jade when homestuck was ongoing, is it felt like it didnt really give us anything? it was like empty calories while just waiting for the regular jade to come back which she never did. it is interesting to look at in retrospect to see if there’s anything there but…grimbark jade isn't exactly a reliable narrator. i guess none of them are but like, especially not grimbark jade. if i can’t separate what’s genuinely jade under this mess from what isn’t then what’s the point?

like for example this was left out of floral’s argument when showing this part, but in the comic grimbark jade tells dave that he’s “more messed up inside than davesprite” …. right after dave wouldnt comply with her demands to fight her and doesnt want to fight lord english. that’s…not really telling about anything at all for either of them. jade is evil and if things dont go the way she’s programmed to get them to go she’s gonna flip her lid. this is what i mean about her not being in her right mind

JADE: the fact is youre going to have to rely on those powers if you want to stand any chance against a lord of time JADE: it is safe to expect he can only be challenged by someone with a similar command over the aspect DAVE: why is that safe to expect DAVE: where are all these presumptions coming from DAVE: if you can use swords why dont you take the welsh cueball sword and fight him yourself DAVE: i bet you could fuck him up DAVE: youre probably even more extra strong now that youve succumbed to the bark side DAVE: did you ever think about that JADE: dave i am perfectly aware of the awesome powers granted to me by the bark side JADE: it does not matter JADE: i cant be the one to wield your sword against english JADE: it has to be you JADE: it is the will of the empress, and thats final DAVE: the empress can suck it DAVE: i have no intention of fighting him DAVE: and this isnt even me pulling more lame self aware reluctant hero junk DAVE: i am just straight up not going to do it DAVE: see thats not reluctance its just petulant refusal on my part DAVE: reluctant hero shit is when the guys like aw shucks i dunno if i wanna but deep down we all know he really does DAVE: but i really dont DAVE: why should i DAVE: i dont give a damn about lord english or his nebulous atrocities out in nowherespace DAVE: what kind of villain is someone you never met who hardly did anything evil to you or your friends directly DAVE: or even to anyone in your universe for that matter other than through some vague insidious influence DAVE: who even is this guy and why should i hate him DAVE: am i really supposed to be pissed off at a green muscle monster i never met DAVE: cause i aint pissed off at no muscle monster DAVE: hell wasnt he in some ass backwards way responsible for us existing in the first place? DAVE: or all of humanity for that matter?? DAVE: maybe i should thank him before chopping him up via welshscalibur JADE: jeez you sure have some issues JADE: honestly it has become very tiresome listening to this sort of thing JADE: i thought davesprite had problems JADE: his issues i could kind of understand JADE: i thought you might be different, being the alpha dave and all JADE: but no JADE: you might be even more messed up inside than he was! DAVE: what DAVE: why are you dragging that guy into this (p.6385 / 6386)

part 2

[findingmypeace]

I go back to work tomorrow. I will only be there for a few hours in the morning and then I have an appointment to FINALLY have an MRI done for my neurologist. I’m crossing my fingers that I will finally get some answers for my forgetfulness, loss of coordination, brain fog, clumsiness, etc, after years of trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I’m not sure I feel ready to go back to work. Or maybe it’s a good thing? I’ve just been so emotionally overwhelmed that it feels like I will crumble under the weight of high work stress. In 3 weeks we will have a new client admitting to our program. He will be assigned to me. Given that this only happens once every few years we’ve already been preparing for his admission for months but no it’s close to actually happening. I will also have an annual and two quarterly reports due for all 3 of my current clients. That doesn’t sound like much but with this population that’s an overwhelming amount of work to be completed in the next few weeks.

So the emotional overload is not gone and I’m jut about to walk into a month of high work stress. I’m so overwhelmed just thinking about it. Part of me almost feels like diving right back into head first into the eating disorder. I am not recovered by any means but I would love the numbness and distraction of being fully immersed in it. I also know that would make my life infinitely worse.🫤

I had therapy on Saturday and we discussed how I’m still feeling so much emotional pain despite finally feeling like there has been some healing occurring and my relationship with my Mom has moved forward. I think I’m just sad for the time lost, for previous traumas and knowing things will never be the same month because of the hurt and anger and because my family doesn’t live in San Diego any more. We talked about being a dialect. But it still hurts so deeply. I can’t help but cry and cry. My heart aches.

Last thing: I’ve been having ‘break through’ nightmares almost every night and I’ve been taking my night meds exactly as prescribed. I told my psychiatrist this is happening and he said it’s probably because of increased emotional stress. I am newly diagnosed with ADHD and have started taking Dexedrine. My psychiatrist increased my dose and he thinks this will help with the nightmares by improving my mood. This is probably the first time I truly don’t agree with him but I’m hoping he’s right. I don’t think I can bear having nightmares on top every thing else.

I’m crossing my fingers I can handle being so overwhelmed tomorrow.

[yinandyanglifestyle]

I have both adenomyosis and endometriosis!

by: Somaly

Namaste wonderful souls and dear readers, 

My husband and I have planed for having our babies over four years. Unfortunately, It did not happen as we planned. We spent two years for checking our general health, we visited general practitioner to specialist doctors. We had countless tests and consulted with our general health doctors. 

When I did not conceive first and second year, I decided to relax and focus on my future career in Australia. I enrolled to become an early childhood educator.  I was pretty busy for the whole two years. During my study periods, I still could not conceive. I was thinking maybe because of my stress and study commitments. we were not looking deeply or seriously checking into my health.

After I graduated from study, I felt released and relaxed. I decided to see my general doctor again. She asked to check on my uterus by doing hysteroscopy test. The hysteroscopy showed that I have both endometriosis and adenomyosis in August 2024. 

I have researched and read some online article and YouTube "what is adenomyosis and endometriosis?" I could understand the meaning, some treatments, and symptoms. I could not find articles on people who have both adenomyosis and endometriosis. Now I am willing to share my experience and how I overcome my illness? To everyone who might benefit and uplift for people who just found out their hidden illness as well.  For my view points,  reading some online articles could not replace from health professionals and doctors' treatments. 

These long-term health conditions hidden many years, and I only experienced having back pain during my period, in between my periods, getting tired easily, fatigue, and have difficulty to conceived babies naturally. Even-through I found out and faced some hidden illness in 2024. I still trust with Australia health system. It might cost some money and time. I am positive with healing process and journey.  

September 2024,  I am at the begging of healing journey. I visited fertility specialist and I did the Pelvic MRI Test. I just learn, accept, and be patient with my health conditions. I have personal motivation phrase "if I cannot control or change my situations, I learn to trust and flow with the universe plan." I also just trust with my body that every cells in my body is capable of healing itself. 

This write and message help me release all my emotions and any blocks in my life. I am on a journey to become healthy again, be able to conceive our babies, and live in healthy lifestyle. I become resilient because it is a choice that I make everyday. I chose to have positive mindset and ask the right questions.

 I know I could feel all kind of emotions such as pain, hurt, sad, disappointment, and regret in my life. I never forget that I have made some good progress. I have families, friends, and support communities who accept me for who I am.  My husband, families, and friends are my real supporters and protectors. I am not hidden, but when I handle many challenges and difficult emotions. I love to quiet any noise and be quiet, so I could calm my mind and relax my body. I could regain my energy and focus for next day. 

My first tip for people who just find out that they have long tern illness:

 Ask ourselves what should we do better, how can we handle with these challenge, reflect on our experiences, share our experiences, never lose hope, and never forget you are an important person in your life.

I am going to update and share my tips with you all in the future. Now I am have upcoming appointments, consult some health professionals, and I am going to share what I learn from them.

🌟 Thank you for your previous times to reading and support our writing. 

🌟Thank you for being part of our community. 

🌟 Thank you for your likes, shares, comments, and follows.  

🌟Send a lot of love, hugs, peace, miracles, and blessings to you and your family.

[heavenunderthemoon]

Dollface

Summary: After the death of her two brother, reader feels as though she must become the perfect child. She reaches her breaking point at a night at Rossi’s. 

Warnings: mentions of suicide, depression, angst Your fingers grabbed at another stray hair, a desperate attempt to make an escape as you smoothed the rest into a nice, sleek ponytail. Grabbing it, you tucked it under the hair tie, breathing deeply through your nose as you stared back at the reflection.

You didn't like staring into the mirror. Staring into the mirror meant seeing your eyes, a rather odd statement when you really thought about it, but the reason you hated it all the same. You had to stare into those brown orbs, brown orbs you had inherited from your mother, and ones she had passed down not only to you, but to Ethan as well.

Ethan.

The name sent a shiver through your body.

He had passed just when you both had turned nine. He had been struggling for a while, ever since you could remember actually. For years, you had accompanied him on doctor appointments, consults after consults. Alex Blake was no quitter, and she had fought tooth and nail to find someone- anyone- to save her boy. In the end she hadn't succeeded. He had passed in his bed, only a couple feet away from you. Sometimes you could still hear her sobs, her wails of agony after she had found him, a mother losing her son, her baby. Sometimes it felt as though you had lost her that day too.

You forced the tips of your mouth to lean upward, the motion looking so foreign on your face that you couldn't help but stare. A smile. A true smile. When was the last time you had one of those? You recalled the time before Ethan started presenting symptoms, a time before his illness, before the unrelenting sadness that ran rampant throughout your house. Before your mother was driven insane, a linguist unable to name the one thing she hated so much, the one thing that took away one of her children. Before your father ran off, escaping to different countries under the guise of Doctors Without Borders. You knew why he really took that position, that he was so driven by his grief of losing Ethan that he ran off to find children he actually could save. And your mother? She didn't get much better. When she had lost Ethan she had lost a part of herself you weren't quite sure she would ever get back. A carefree, laid-back part of her, one that wouldn't run to the emergency room every time you had a cough. One that wouldn't demand an MRI every time you needed a physical checkup. One that didn't watch you so closely, close enough that you could feel her stare on you, whenever you played on the playground with the other children. Before the stares were less loving, more analytical, and every goodbye felt like your last.

Your lips dropped down, eyes remaining on yourself.

Nothing was wrong with you of course, but your mother could never be sure. Losing one child was enough, the fear of losing her second drove her over the edge.

And so, you played along.

You pretended you didn't want to play baseball with the kids in the neighborhood, taking a liking to books instead. You pretended you didn't want to go out, or play in the rain, or step in puddles, or touch frogs. Childhood was non-existent, and for you, that was just how it had to be, because you didn't want to drive her mother any madder than she already was.

Your hands dropped to your sides, smoothing the sides of your pants with your hands, a nervous tick, but comforting nonetheless.

An evening at Rossi's. The invitation alone was enough to make you want to scream.

As awful as it sounded, you hated when your mother was home. Since you had turned seventeen, you were trusted enough to stay home alone when your mother was out on cases, so long as you FaceTimed every night and the neighbors could check on you in the morning. And, with your father away you were left to your own devices. You relished in the feeling of being alone. You liked being able to emerge from your room without that heaviness dragging you down, the weight of your mother's morbid stare, the one that made you think that perhaps you were dying and you just didn't know it, enough to make you feel an onslaught of loneliness. When your mother was gone, you were able to watch tv with the volume all the way up, or order pizzas with extra cheese. You could let the dishes pile up and leave the laundry to fester.

And then when your mother came home it felt like everything in the air was sucked up all over again. Like all the walls were caving in, the world was ending, and once more you were dying.

"Y/N! Time to go!"

You glanced at yourself one more time. Clothes ironed perfectly, a crisp button down tucked into a pleated skirt, hair pinned and proper. A doll. A perfect little doll ready to be played with.

You turned off the bathroom light, grabbing your purse.

"Coming, Mother."

-

"My mom speaks very highly of you all, it's nice to finally meet you." You spoke with a sense of tranquility that the team wasn't quite expecting. Though, to be honest, they weren't precisely sure what to expect when they had caught wind that Alex was finally bringing her daughter to an event. Typically, you were too busy.

Studying for school, babysitting for children around the neighborhood, getting ahead in your classes, attending chess club, book club, anything and everything that had made their lips part, eyebrows furrowing because you were just a child but the way she spoke about you made you seem so...refined. Independent. Not a child.

Your peers had said the same things- behind your back, of course. You didn't have many friends. Being the perfect child didn't give you much time to make those, and you weren't good at it anyways. The teachers had always praised you, admiring you for your perfectionism. Your straight A's, good temperament, and ability to surpass the school's curriculum had you earning your teachers' result rather quickly but it had soon turned to sympathy. They had begun to notice how your posture was always straight, how your pens were always in alignment, how you never spoke unless answering an academic question.

Sometimes, they would watch you, just to see if you would suddenly sneeze and ruin that perfect mirage that you displayed to the world. But you never did, not really. You were a doll. You were picture perfect and they had previously found that quality a little endearing but now they just felt pity, because how many times had that doll felt like she wasn't enough in order to make it appear as so?

Met with enthusiasm, you smiled along as the night progressed, making light conversation with your mother's team. They were nice enough, and you tried not to let along how painful your smiles began to be. It wasn't long before you had excused yourself to a smaller room, bringing out the school work you had brought along to get out of the way.

it was an art project, your least favorite subject. Art, your teacher had stated, is an expression of emotion. There were no rules, no tips, no studying to help you along. Either you had it, or you didn't. You definitely did not.

The noise of the party chattered against your brain as your teeth began their assault against your lip, biting down hard as your eraser grated against the paper once more. With a frustrated grunt, you tried again, the circle coming out just as uneven as the last time.

Spencer must've noticed you out on the patio by yourself. He excused himself from the party, approaching you slowly.

"Hey."

You knew he was being nice. He was mingling and from what you mother had told you about him he didn't do it often so you were trying your very best to not snap at him, your agitation at an all time high due to the failure of your art project.

"Hello."

Your eyes were still on your paper, trying to salvage something- anything- from this artwork but it was futile. Every time you added something it made it worse and every time you removed something it looked empty and you were beginning to get frustrated. You hated art, you wanted to drop it, but it was a requirement. A stupid, useless class, in your opinion (though maybe it was biased due to your inability to do it). Your heart rate quickened at the thought of getting anything lower than an A on this piece. Your grade was already at a 92, that in itself was enough to make your head spin but what if you got a B on this work and it brought your overall grade down? What if you received your first ever B? What would your mother say then?

Spencer was watching you with curious eyes. He saw a bit of himself in you ever since you had arrived, though that isn't all a good thing. He saw an intelligent, capable girl who put far too much pressure on himself. A girl who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. A girl who refused to ask for help.

And now, your breaths becoming ragged and eyes unfocused, he saw you, really saw you. Your eraser was grinding against there paper and in your anger it ripped it, your lips parting at the action. As bad as it had been this was even worse because now you sound have to start over.

Starting over meant setting you back at least three days in work and you were supposed to have this assignment done by tonight to get ahead for other classes tomorrow.

"Y/N? Y/N you need to breathe, take a break from you're homework, it's okay-"

You had forgotten that Spencer was there in all honesty, but now that he was speaking you whipped toward him.

The words seemed to cut through you like a knife and you shot an incredulous look at the man. "Okay? It's not okay! I can't take a break because I needed to get it done by tonight! I need to write a paper and get ahead in physics so that I can make time for babysitting, and attend lectures, and sit in on mom's classes and-"

Your hands were balled now, clenching into fists and Spencer was reaching for them.

"Look at me, take a breath-"

"This stupid art project, it didn't look good-"

"It looked fine-" Spencer tried, and he could tell that the two of you were attracting attention now because he could feel eyes flitting to the back door windows and he knew for certain that Alex would be here soon but none of it seemed to register for you because your eyes were far too panicked and cheeks too flushed.

"It can't be just fine, it needs to be perfect!" You broke. Your voice was louder than you had ever used with an adult and if you weren't  so far gone in your breakdown you surely would've apologized. The eraser in your hand dropped, fists unclenching to cover your ears because your thoughts were too loud. They were always too loud. Constant planning, scheduling ahead. Worries about your parents, your reputation, your next step. It came crashing over you.

Later, you would realize you were sobbing but for now, you were left to wonder why your throat was so sore.

"Y/N, you need to breathe, okay? Breathe. It doesn't need to be perfect, you're okay-"

Alex was relieving Spencer, and he retreated back into the house with a reassuring nod from Alex. The team sent worried looks, but looked away to give the two of you privacy. You hardly even noticed the change.

"Hey." Alex was taking your hands from your ears, eyes wide. She had never seen you like this, never seen you so distraught and it scared her. It terrified her to see you in such a state because, clearly, you weren't okay and you hadn't been for a while and how did she miss this? It scared her because ever since she could remember you had been such an easy child. A child who didn't ask for help, a child who didn't cry, who didn’t yell, who didn't ask for things. And was that a result of her?

"Hey, look at me. Look at me." Her finger was going under your chin, forcing it upward, forcing your eyes on hers and she was accentuating her breaths, making you take them with her. "What's going on, hm? Whats' going on, talk to me."

Maybe it was the softness in her tone, or the woe in your eyes, or maybe it was just exhaustion from constantly trying to be...everything and anything your mother could ask for, but you chose to tell the truth.

"I have to be perfect." And it was quiet. You could hear the water fountain somewhere far to your left, something Rossi apparently had put in two years ago, but you couldn't see it over the hedges. Alex rose a brow, not understanding and so you continued.  "I have to be perfect...for you."

And the Blake woman was gasping because how could her daughter even think that? How could she not see that her daughter was thinking that? "Honey, no-"

But you weren't letting her finish. "Yes, I do. I have to be the perfect child because you lost the other one. And I," You swallowed, sighing softly. "I can't be him for you."

"W-what?"

"Ever since he died I- he-...you were different. You and Dad both were, and I just wanted to make you happy so I tried to be good, I tried to be the best kid so that you wouldn't feel any sadder than you did."

"Oh, baby, you didn't have to do that-"

"Yes I did. When he died it was like every time you looked at me I was already dead I just didn't know it.  I've been dead for years. I think I might've died with him."

And you were breathing steadily now. You chest wasn't as tight, your mind wasn't as foggy but now your eyes were filled with tears. You cried because you had wanted to say these words for so long, you had wanted your mother back for an eternity snd now she was listening, now you were going to surrender yourself to imperfection.

"I never meant to make you feel like that, please-"

The tears fell across your cheeks, splayed out like a beautiful painting, a masterpiece created by you, a girl who thought that she was a horrible artist. Perhaps you weren't as horrible as you thought.

"I wish it was me instead of him. Because I can't take it. I can't keep doing this-"

Alex was shaking her head, gripping your cheeks in her hands now, because the words you were saying made it sound like she might lose you, made it sound like you might just dissolve under her touch. And all she felt right now was dread. "Don't say that."

"The classes, the perfectionism, I'm...I'm just so tired."

"Baby, please. I'm, I'm so sorry." And that thought entered your mind once more, that perhaps you were a wonderful little artists because kneeling before you now was a tragically beautiful piece of art. A grieving mother, wet cheeks piling up by the minute, eyes filled with some kind of morose morbidity and that was something you had created.

"I'm a perfect little girl in a perfect little house. We all play pretend that Ethan didn't exist-"

"Y/N Y/M/N." Alex was trying, begging you to stop because it hurt. It pained her because Ethan died of something no one knew about but you? You were dying because of her.

"It's alright. I'm just so tired of all the pretending. I wish Ethan and I could swap places, because then he could be playing pretend and I can just...relax."

Where to go from here? The two of you sat on that patio under the watch of the stars, under the protection of the moonlight. What might happen when the sun touched your faces once more?

You doll wasn't so perfect anymore. Perhaps she would never be again.

TAGLIST: @bubblyabs @spencer-blake-supremacy 

[maxbegone]

hi! i just wanted to say that I’m really enjoying your top 10 set and I’m (nervously 👀) looking forward to seeing the last two , but I wanted to know what your top 10 episodes were? They’re all so good it’s so hard to choose!

thank you anon! it's been a lot of fun, and there were definitely a few surprises on that list. as for my own top ten, it's a little hard. my top five is pretty easy, but here we go:

1. in the unlikely event of an emergency - i hold this episode so close to my heart and consider it one of the most beautiful episodes of television I’ve ever seen. gwyn is undoubtedly one of my favorite characters on the show, and tk's experience losing her so suddenly and dealing with that subsequent grief hits very close to home. i'm going to cherish this episode for a very long time.

2. push - what is there to say about push that hasn't already been said? it's a perfect cap to the first arc of the season, and was my favorite episode of lone star up until 3.08. it's just beautiful all around, and my only complaint is that this is the only episode we got with andrea this season. i miss mama reyes.

3. saving grace - i love me some judd and grace, and this episode by far is one of the most magnificent. heart eyes all around, tommy leveling judd in the past and in the present, pushing him to say introduce himself to grace, the three of them and charles (who i miss dearly) being a family, and the 126 coming together to support judd in the hospital. never not crying.

4. riddle of the sphynx - i think this one is pretty self explanatory. we have carlos learning to take a step back while tk takes a step forward in his sobriety, carlos learning what it means to be in love with an addict, hard conversations, and a moment of, once again, reassurance that tarlos is endgame. shout out to wes from the icarly reboot who played cooper and made me scream when he first appeared on screen.

5. bad call - i mean obviously the first carlos-centric episode has to be on the list! every single bit of this episode was perfection; we got our first glimpse at detective reyes, learned a little more about his realtionship with gabriel, the first instance of tnt being badasses (and also absolutely fucking done with these kidnappers), and, of course, "hi baby, hi baby."

6. the big heat - alexa, play fever by elvis presley. i mean. i mean. clearly. on my first watch i was being thrown back and forth on who was on whose side, which is probably what the writers wanted, and ultimately did not expect raymond to be the culprit or gabriel and owen to team up like they did. so many twists and turns, so much yelling, our first on screen "i love you." and, of course, that ending when tommy gets home. oof.

7. red vs blue - nostalgia ep, my beloved! despite the fact that i have a v small, v playful, grudge with tk/ronen choosing #2 for his jersey in honor of derek jeter because i'm a mets fan, this episode makes me wish i was still playing softball. all of the 126 is competitive, we knew that from catan, but my god was this a whole other level. and then there's nailed it nancy followed immediately by the phone call that had every single person screaming at the screen in shock. man, oh man. 8. displaced - the first instance of paramedic siblings being paramedic siblings as well as the first time the 126 really made nancy she part of the group. that tribute to tim was everything. (re: let's continue to have episode 7 of every season feature something for nancy, thanks! but maybe not episode 8 be where we hurt tk). we also had owen and gwyn sincerely breaking my heart in this episode because they just love each other so deeply at the end of the day, along with, if i'm correct, the first instance where owen actually showcased his anger. also, that mri scene. damn, tk. 9. a bright and cloudless morning - don't yell at me for how low on the list this is, but classics took over! this was, hands down, lone star's best season finale. it was epic all around, and i'm so happy everyone wound up ok. i was genuinely nervous for wyatt and judd there for a while. the prominence of owen's grief and guilt with 9/11, gwyn coming to him just like she came to tk when he needed her, the sequence of the 126 getting owen out of the rubble as he saw faces of the 252 and nypd. i had chills the entire time, and especially during that shot of paul and tommy passing owen's helmet down the line. that, for some reason, gets me more than anything else. and of course — the proposal. i've watched it too many times to count, honestly, and i'll keep doing it for the continuation of the hiatus.

10. prince albert in a can - give me all the carlos and grace teamwork! this is what we needed! carlos boxing to up in here by dmx made me scream, sure, because wow, but watching these two team up and figure out what went down on a call they were both so clearly blaming themselves for was incredible. and ask literally anyone, i jumped up and down and screamed "there she is, there's mom!" the second athena was on screen. god's plan, bitch.

honorable mention to hold the line, in which this was the first time i met the 118. i watched the episode again during my first og watch and it felt like i was visiting the 126 with them. such a great episode, i don't care what anyone says. get those crews back together!

[megalony]

Lucky man

This is a Ben Hardy imagine requested by the lovely @gabbyhearts which is based off an episode of House.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse

Ben Hardy masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ben, Ben, sweetheart look at me." (Y/n) pressed her hands to either side of Ben's face, turning his head so he was looking at her as his eyes were dilated and blown wide. His lips were parted but there was no air passing through them as they were beginning to turn blue from lack of oxygen.

His hand latched onto (Y/n)'s arm as he felt like his whole chest was constricting like a belt was tightening around his lungs and crushing them.

He quickly snapped his eyes closed as he felt his stomach pushing out, his body attempting to try and expand his chest but it wasn't working because his lungs weren't taking in any oxygen.

Holding her own breath, (Y/n) tilted Ben's head back before moving her hands to press against his throat. Her eyes narrowing as she felt his muscles tightening but his airways were open. There was no blockage from his lungs up to his nose and mouth yet her husband wasn't breathing. He was in respiratory arrest for no reason, his lungs were collapsing but they had no reason to be doing this. He hadn't been hurt, he hadn't been shocked and he wasn't having an allergic reaction to anything.

Both Ben's hands latched onto (Y/n)'s arms as he felt like he wanted to cry. His head tipped back into the pillow. His body writhing, back arching from the bed as he was beginning to feel lightheaded.

(Y/n) gritted her teeth together when Ben's hands suddenly tensed, his nails piercing through her skin as his arms jolted and pulled her closer to him when a needle pierced through his skin. The puncture went straight through his skin between his ribs into his lung, releasing adrenaline to shock his lungs back into working.

He sounded and felt like a fish out of water as he gasped and trembled, his eyes staying closed as he felt an oxygen tube being placed under his nose.

Ben never thought he would be thankful for the ability to breathe, he also never thought he would feel what it was like to be suffocated. Tears started to fall from his eyes as his chest was burning, his lungs expanding properly now but they were aching from trying to shut down. His lungs felt like they were suddenly being burst again as he felt his breaths beginning to crackle like static from a tv. A cough burst from his lips before he inhaled another croaking breath, trying to breathe without trying to focus on each breath. Breathing was never normally something he had to think about doing.

"Sshh, it's okay. You're okay, just breathe deeply for me sweetheart." (Y/n) pressed her lips to his forehead to try and calm him down as Ben moved his hands from digging into her arms to wrapping around her back. Pulling her down to him though she was apprehensive in case she hurt him.

He buried his face in the crook of her neck as he closed his eyes, inhaling her scent to try and calm himself down as he felt (Y/n) running her fingers through his hair to keep him calm. She could feel Ben's crackling breath against her neck as he tried not to cough but his lungs were quaking in his chest and it hurt so much.

(Y/n) didn't know why this was happening to him.

One moment he was fine talking to her in bed and the next he was lying on his back trying to breathe but complaining that it was getting harder and harder to do so. (Y/n) had to haul Ben into the car, bearing in mind he was double her weight and frame and she drove him, Lily and Lola down to the hospital with both girls afraid as to why Ben was bashing his fist against the dashboard and gasping like he was crying as he threw himself back and forth in the chair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He's bleeding in his lungs-"

"No he's not." (Y/n) tried to keep her tone calm as she looked at her boss with annoyance written across her features. She had done the chest x-ray and the MRI herself, Ben wasn't bleeding into his lungs and there was no bleeding around his lungs, there had to be something else happening in his chest to be causing this problem.

She pinned the x-ray up on the board before looking to House, waiting for him to see she was right but as usual, he dismissed the evidence she was showing him because it didn't fit the diagnosis he was giving.

"He is, it's just too small to find. Cocaine could cause blood to leak from the veins. Dose him on aspirin and put dye in his veins to find the leak." House turned his back to the team, about to walk through the door until (Y/n)'s voice stopped him. She knew he held no empathy for his workers, nor for their loved ones or friends but she at least expected him to give her the tiniest bit of respect on this case.

This wasn't just some person from the street that came into the ER with a problem, this was (Y/n)'s husband. It was personal and she wanted House to be serious and listen to her, she didn't want him experimenting on Ben just because he thought he had the right to be reckless with a diagnosis.

Turning her head (Y/n) ground her jaw when she noticed Chase had already stood up with the case file and was about to go and do as he was told.

"Sit down." (Y/n) all but barked at him causing the blond's eyes to widen as he stopped walking but didn't sit down. His hands silently motioning between House and the door. "This isn't some random person, this is Ben okay? I know him and he isn't doing drugs I would have seen the signs and there is no fucking leak in his veins. House, you are not thinning his blood he could have a mass haemorrhage and die."

(Y/n) had been married to Ben for five years and she had seen hundreds of people on drugs before. She would have seen Ben's pupils dilated or him having some sort of fever or sweat when coming off the drugs. She would have noticed the body and mood change in him. He didn't do drugs because he was an actor and he wanted to excel, drugs would only drop his career when it was taking off and he didn't find excitement in those activities. He was a father, he didn't do drugs at work or at home around the girls.

Not only was he not doing drugs, there was no sign of a bleed in his lungs or any artery or vein in his chest. Thinning his blood would put him at risk, it could damage his brain and if he started to bleed he wouldn't clot properly and he could have a mass blood loss. There was a huge risk because House wanted to put a camera into Ben's veins to show if there was any leak and if they ruptured the vein he could bleed out on them.

"There is a leak and if we don't find it he will continue to bleed into his lungs. Go thin his blood-"

"This is my husband!" (Y/n) all but screamed, slamming her hand down onto the table to get him to stop. She just wanted the pestering and the God complex to go away, (Y/n) wanted a talk with a professional about treating her husband not talking to someone with an ego who decided he would do whatever he wanted to whoever he wanted. "I know you don't know what that's like House, but it means I don't want him to be your experiment because you could kill him and I can't lose him."

"You don't have any other explination and he can't breathe properly, thin his blood and check his veins. If there is a leak then it will get worse and he hasn't got better, has he?" House kept his tone a tiny bit lighter but still condescending because he knew (Y/n) had no other ideas. If she didn't have any other explanations or thoughts on treatment she would have to go along with what he was saying.

Tears welled in her eyes as she bit down harshly on her lip before turning around and walking over to Chase. He moved out the way as she briskly walked past him, motioning for him to follow as she had no other choice but to put Ben at risk to find out what was wrong or risk him getting worse.

"You ready?" (Y/n) asked, looking down at Ben who was laid on his back as straight as a board, his usual charming yet cheeky smile on his lips as he nodded. His shoulders tensed and pulled inwards every so often as he coughed, trying to breathe deeply but his breaths were laboured and raspy.

Her eyes dipped down to look at his leg where she was putting the thin rubber tube through his vein. It was easier to go through the vein in his leg to reach up to his lungs to see if there was a leak in the vessels or if maybe he had a clot which seemed more likely to (Y/n). Chase kept his eyes on the monitor as (Y/n) focused on the tube, desperate to make sure she didn't do any mistakes, she didn't want to be doing this in the first place but she also didn't want anyone else doing the procedure either.

"What does this do?" Ben rasped, his eyes locking with (Y/n)'s as he smiled, trying to calm her down as he could see the concentration and panic in her eyes. He had had an x-ray and an MRI, he thought his chest was clear of any bleeding even if he still didn't know why he couldn't seem to breathe properly.

"We'll put some dye in your veins, if there's a rupture or leak the dye will show it on the screen."

Ben hummed in response as he glanced over at the screen Chase was standing in front of before he drifted his eyes back to (Y/n). It didn't hurt due to the numbing medication but it did feel funny. He could feel the wire tube tickling against his thigh, it was like a travelling itch he was desperate to scratch but knew he couldn't.

"Darlin', w-what are you doing?" Ben's chest tightened as his back arched from the bed but he soon felt Chase's hands pushing him to lie back down. They couldn't afford him moving and rupturing the vein the tube was in, any movement could cause a bleed or a rupture and he was critical as it was. He tilted his head to look over at (Y/n) as his lower chest and stomach started to ignite with pain.

"Ben, what's wrong?"

(Y/n) stopped moving the tube and left it where it was, afraid that if she moved it whatever was wrong would get worse or Ben would move abruptly and something would rupture. She reached over and grabbed his hand to try and calm him down as his breathing turned laboured, his body starting to shake as it was clear he was becoming distressed. There had been no leak on the screen and nothing to suggest that something had gone wrong, there was no reason for his sudden pain.

Tightening his hand around her own, Ben moved their hands and pressed them to his stomach where the pain was as he snapped his eyes closed, groaning in agony.

"Just try and stay still for a few seconds sweetheart." Letting go of his hand, (Y/n) locked eyes with Chase as she went to move the tube from Ben's vein but Chase leaned over and grabbed her hand to stop her.

"Inject the dye."

"He's in pain if he moves he could haemorrhage-"

"We need to know if there's a bleed, do it now." Breathing harshly through her nose, (Y/n) let go of the tube and grabbed the bottle attached to the end that held the dye. Her eyes focused on the screen as she injected the dye into his vein, watching the veins on the screen turn dark from the dye. Her eyes narrowed on the screen as she reached out and pressed down on Ben's abdomen to get him to stay still even though she knew he was only moving from the pain.

"There's a blockage in his liver."

"Darlin' you have to make it stop." Ben spat the words as he bashed his fist hard against the bedframe to try and distract himself but it wasn't working very well. The pain was becoming unbearable and he needed it to stop.

Ben all but screamed as he tried to put pressure on his stomach where the pain was but it didn't do anything to help. He barely felt (Y/n) retracting the tube from his vein to make sure he didn't start haemorrhaging. As soon as the tube was gone from his vein Ben pushed himself up in an attempt to try and curl in on himself to make the pain go away.

He wanted it to stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How do you feel?" (Y/n) questioned gently, taking hold of Ben's hand as she sat down beside him on the bed. Feeling like a weight was being relieved from her chest when he smiled, looking a lot calmer than he was yesterday.

"Better." He nodded, pulling her hand to his lips to kiss the back of her hand before he tipped his head back against the pillows.

There had been a granuloma on his liver which caused the blockage and the medication to dissolve the blockage and get his liver working again had also made his chest better which meant there had been a granuloma in one or even both of his lungs. He could breathe properly now without the rasping or the feeling of static in his chest. He didn't have to have the oxygen tube under his nose which was a feeling he didn't like, the forced air pushing through his system making his throat dry and sore.

"Your liver's fine and there's no bleeding or clot in your lungs, a few days and you can come home." He needed to stay for observation and to check the medication had got rid of all the granulomas and then he would be fine to head back home to his girls.

Reaching over, Ben pulled (Y/n) closer to him before leaning and pressing his lips to hers. Relieved that he could now breathe properly and that there was no stabbing pain in his liver. He couldn't wait to go home.

"Can you bring the girls in soon?" He asked as he rested his head on her shoulder, encircling his arms around her waist. He missed his girls and he knew he had scared them when (Y/n) brought him into the hospital. He couldn't breathe or talk or do anything but writhe and gasp and he knew he had terrified them without that ever being his intention. Ben wanted to see the girls so he could hold them in his arms and show them he was okay.

"I'll bring them in this afternoon."

(Y/n) ran her fingers through his hair as she felt him smile against her skin, thankful he didn't have to wait much longer to see the girls since it had been three days since he had been around them.

Narrowing her eyes, (Y/n) moved her hand from Ben's hair to his back as she rubbed her hand up and down. Wondering if something was wrong when he tightened his arms around her waist, tensing against her as she felt him holding his breath for a moment too long. Leaning back, (Y/n) gently moved Ben so she could look at him, seeing he looked either confused or unsure about something.

"You okay?" She asked gently, tipping her head down as she kept the gentle smile on her lips but it faded when Ben pressed his hand to his lower abdomen.

"I don't know."

Ben lifted his eyes to lock with (Y/n)'s as he felt his heart picking up pace, it wasn't exactly pain he was feeling but it didn't feel right. He watched (Y/n) with worried eyes as she tried to stay calm, gently pushing his shoulder so he took the hint and lied back down. Reaching down (Y/n) grabbed the edge of the cover and pulled it back so she could examine him, her throat going dry as she froze when she saw the blood beginning to pool between his legs.

(Y/n) pressed her hands to his lower abdomen, moving from left to right before stopping around his middle, applying a little pressure before pulling back when Ben hissed. His hand digging into the pillow behind his head as he let out a groan, his body tensing and pulling inwards from the feeling.

"Oh, baby there's a bleed in your bladder. Try and stay still for me." Pushing herself to her feet, (Y/n) paged House and Chase before heading over to the medical trolley to get some medication to help his blood clot and stop the haemorrhage that was taking place. Ben tipped his head back as his hand tightened around the pillow when the needle punctured through his skin into his bladder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Granulomas can't be the diagnosis. His liver and lungs got better but now his bladder's sprung a leak." (Y/n) folded her arms over her chest as she leaned against the wall next to Ben's room. The team had decided to talk out here so she could be near Ben if something happened and just in case they needed to do any other examinations or checks to try and find the problem.

Granulomas wouldn't cause a sudden bleed in Ben's bladder that had been cleared up as soon as (Y/n) gave him the medication. There had to be something else wrong with him causing these problems and if they didn't find out what it was then Ben was going to get worse and (Y/n) didn't know what to do to help. She couldn't have Ben getting any worse than this but House was out of ideas and no one knew what the problem was.

"This is your hubby, what do you think's wrong with him because at the moment he's fine." House twirled his walking cane in his hand as he waited for (Y/n)'s response.

Turning her head, (Y/n) glanced into Ben's room before quickly pushing herself off the wall and bypassing her colleagues. None of them knew what she was doing but they followed her into Ben's room to find the blond doubled over, a shout leaving his lips as he was almost resting his head on his knees. Reaching Ben, (Y/n) gently wrapped her arms around him so she could pull him back so he was sitting up.

"Ben-"

"It kills! Make it stop, make it stop!" The words passed through gritted teeth in a shouted, volatile tone. This was worse than the clot in his liver and so much more painful than the slight discomfort from his bladder and it was neither of those organs that were hurting. He didn't know what it was but Ben knew it was something he hadn't felt pain with before and it felt like someone was stabbing him.

Ben clung to (Y/n)'s arm as he pressed his head into her shoulder, trying his best to double over but she was holding him upright. Her arms wrapped around his back and his front as she gently shushed him but the pain was overwhelming.

She could feel the tears soaking into her shirt and his frame trembling against her as he was sobbing in agony but if they didn't examine him they wouldn't know what the problem was.

"Sweetheart you have to lie back and let me look." (Y/n) stated calmly as Chase stood on Ben's other side and gently helped to ease him so he was lying back down but Ben couldn't help but writhe around. Be tried to pull in on himself until Chase had to pin him in place so that (Y/n) could scan him over. She instantly went to try and see if the problem was his bladder but it was fine and she knew by his breathing and talking that his lungs were fine. She checked his liver but it was still working and he didn't have jaundice to suggest it wasn't.

Moving her hands around, (Y/n) pressed down on various areas of his chest and torso until Ben practically jumped beneath her, a scream leaving his lips as he latched his fingers onto her wrist to either stop her or get her to do something about it.

"His spleens burst." (Y/n) pulled her hands away so she wasn't pressing on the organ that was clearly burst or ruptured or bleeding due to the amount of pain it was causing her husband. "We need an OR now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly opening his eyes, Ben managed to focus his vision as he felt like his head was swimming. He felt battered and bruised and he knew if he looked himself over he would look like he'd gone a few rounds in the ring. There was swelling near his bladder from the medication and the puncture wound of the needle. He had the same swelling and wound on his chest from his respiratory arrest, his thigh was bruised from the dye. Ben had a small incision on his lower chest from where they had checked his liver over after the clot and now he had a cut along his lower abdomen to remove his spleen.

Ben felt his heart jumping out of his chest when his vision focused enough and his mind awoke to see all three of his girls in the room with him.

Managing to push himself up a little, Ben opened his arms out to Lily who looked up at (Y/n) for reassurance before she hurried over and stood at Ben's side. Wrapping her arms around his neck as he pulled her up so she was sitting on the bed with him. He knotted his hand into her hair before kissing her temple.

"Hey princess. Oh, I missed you." Tilting his head up, Ben motioned for (Y/n) to come and sit with them. Either the girls were here because (Y/n) knew what was wrong with Ben and it had been fixed or he was stable enough for them to come and visit without anything else going wrong for the time being. Either way, all his girls were here with him and he didn't want to let them go just yet.

(Y/n) gently eased the toddler from her arms into Ben's when he opened his arm for Lola. Watching her instantly curl up against him, tucking her head into his neck as she cuddled against his shoulder.

Locking eyes with (Y/n), Ben frowned when she held out a small plastic vile that had something in it which he couldn't see properly.

"You, are one lucky man." (Y/n) stated quietly as she held the vile closer to him, watching as he still didn't understand as he looked to see there was a very small but sharp piece of thin wood like a long splinter held in the vile. He looked between the vile and his wife, waiting for an explination. "It's a splinter, we found it in your spleen. It must have been near your intestine and ripped through from movement which caused your respiratory arrest. It moved and caught your liver and bladder before puncturing your spleen."

"A splinter did this?"

"Yep. So you either ingested it or when you fell the other day it punctured through to your intestine." Ben had either ate the splinter with some food or had been chewing on something and ingested it. Or when they had been in the woods and he took a fall, it would have punctured through right to his intestine. It was so small and sharp that he could have only felt a small prick of pain and he did think he had a splinter or a scratch when he fell.

Ben wouldn't have thought such a small thing like that could have done so much damage. No wonder none of them had seen it on the scans though, wood absorbs water and that changed its density so the MRI didn't pick up its presence.

"Thank God you found it."

[fafictionhelpedme]

worst day of Chloe’s life part 2

i know i haven’t posted anything in a few months and i am so sorry about that! I hope you like this part! 

part one: https://fafictionhelpedme.tumblr.com/post/185688358953/worst-day-of-chloes-life

Aubrey leaves the room to look for a doctor, Beca was awake! But her memory is not there. The look on Chloe’s face when Beca asked who she is, was heartbreaking. Considering Beca’s injury it’s not really surprising that she lost her memory. What Chloe is going to do now, Aubrey doesn’t know, but she will be there for both of them. Beca managed to claw her way in to Aubrey’s heart a couple of years ago, but Aubrey never told her she cares about her. That is what she regrets the most right now, seeing Beca in that hospital bed looking so much tinier than she usually does. If she is being honest, Aubrey went to Chloe and Beca’s apartment to get a few things for Chloe yesterday and she just had to cry. Looking at all the pictures taken the last 4 years, how happy Beca makes Chloe. To look at the pictures taken in different states and countries, wow Chloe managed to get Beca to travel a lot. It seems that Chloe made Beca come more and more out of her shell. The pictures brought forward a smile for a split second till she remembers that Beca doesn’t remember who they are, or what Beca has done for every single Bella. It breaks Aubrey’s heart.

Chloe walks outside to get some fresh air. Beca doesn’t even remember who she is, this is so bad. How could this happen? Why would the universe make Beca forget? What is the point? After years of pining over this tiny, cute little brunette, and then finally, FINALLY getting to kiss her, and then this happens? Chloe is so angry! Why would this happen to her?

Chloe tries to calm herself down and to get ready to go back in there and talking some more with the doctors, but it’s hard, it takes time to process all this. What are they going to do when Beca can go home? What if her memory never comes back? What are they going to do? Chloe ends up sitting down on a nearby bench and starts crying, she’s cried for the past 2 days but apparently she has more tears. 

Aubrey and Stacie comes walking after a while, when Chloe’s crying finally stops again, and they go with her back upstairs to get more information from Beca’s doctors. When they get up there, the doctors ask to speak to Chloe and Beca alone. “So we took an MRI and everything looks good, in about a week if everything goes well, Ms. Mitchell will be discharged. Her memory can come back over time, there might be some pictures, words, places or colors that can trigger her memory, and if you notice something that happened, before the accident, that Beca remembers, it’s a good sign. It does not mean that Beca can recover all of her memories. It does not mean that she can recover all of her memory though.”

Truth be told, Chloe is so glad Beca survived the accident, and got away with so little injuries. If Beca wants to stay with Chloe and Fat Amy in their apartment, she is more than welcome to. It will be a long road ahead of them, but Chloe is ready to start walking. As long as Beca is alive, happy and around, that makes Chloe happy. She can play the long waiting game again. “Okay thank you doctor.” Chloe says with a smile. After the doctor leaves Stacie and Aubrey comes walking in asking how Beca is feeling. “I’m okay, kinda sucks i don’t remember who you are though, you guys seem nice, and that you care about me. So i really hope i will get my memory back, if not just a tiny bit of it, so i will at least remember where i know you guys from.” Beca says with a hint of sadness in her eyes. 

Today is the day where she gets discharged and will go with Chloe home. Deep down she really hopes there is something that will spark her memory. Getting her hopes up is not that smart is it? No but right now hope is all she got. Chloe is very glad that Beca could come back home with her alive. She is very sad over that Beca can’t remember the best moment of Chloe’s life. Chloe waiting so many years for that kiss to happen, and then Beca gets in a stupid car accident and loses her memory. Is the universe playing a sick game on her?

Chloe calls Beca’s parents so they can come over and let Beca know who they are. William and Sheila said yes to come over right away, her mother said she can’t come over. She also thinks that is for the best, Beca was never a big fan of her mother.

The dinner goes as well Chloe expected maybe even better. Beca doesn’t remember them but there is a nice atmosphere around them. William and Sheila had brought some pictures from Beca’s childhood to try and see if Beca can remember anything from them. She sadly doesn’t so William and Sheila goes back to their hotel room for the night. 

Chloe goes to the fridge and gets 2 beers and puts them on the living room table and goes to change her clothes. She sits down on her bed and lets out a long breath she didn’t know she was holding. There is no way Beca will remember everything they have done together, all that Chloe can do now is wishing for Beca to fall in love with her a second time. She puts on her sweatpants and biggest hoodie and goes back to the couch. Their favorite tv-show on the TV, her favorite person next to her. Life can be cruel but at least they are together.

It’s been a couple of months since the accident and Becas memory is still bad, she doesn’t remember most of her life. Their friendship is getting stronger everyday but Chloe is very careful of what she says. She has been careful since the accident, Chloe doesn’t want to scare Beca away like she did in freshman year. 

Chloe is making dinner for the two of them when Beca storms through the door and marches up to her. Beca turns Chloe around with some force and kisses her deeply. The kiss was better than the first one they shared months ago. It was both deep but soft at once, chloe has never been kissed like this before. When they part Chloe asks breathlessly “you remember?” and smiles. “Yes i remember, now do you want to go out on a date tomorrow night?”

[dearestmichaella]

Why I Want to Become a Good Doctor

Today, we just had our ward discussion with our consultant regarding the patient we saw last last week (Feb 13) in Pasay City General Hospital with our main clinical impression of stroke. He is a 74/M, obtunded, not oriented to time, place and person, non-coherent, non-fluent with dysphasia and dysphonia. GCS 9. If you are from the medicine world, you will probably have a picture of him on your mind most especially about the severity of his presentation. In simpler words, he is most of the time sleeping but whenever he is awake, it’s as if he is confused and not really receptive about the things happening around him. He only conveys his message through moaning most especially if he is feeling any pain in his body. The consultant in our ward discussion is somehow strict but in a constructive way. I find it helpful because he wants us to learn through his clinical experiences. What he usually do is he have our index cards, each with our name on it, calls a random person to present each part of the case. He would ask anything under the sun and we will be graded on that. I usually try to peek on what he is writing in our index cards but he has these random codes. He has his phone on his side with a random series of numbers, he looks at it every time we answer and then he writes it in our index cards. There’s random letters, series of numbers that somehow made me felt like it’s as if a morse code (or maybe it really is?! ty parasite for letting me appreciate morse codes ahhaha). He also focuses on what we really think as doctors as to diagnosis, differentials and therapeutics.  

I really enjoy studying for any case discussions but only when I transferred to a new school. In my previous school where I went in, there’s no much time learning everything. Now that my new school has a different approach on activities like this, it gives me more time reading my medical books. It thrills me finding and getting answers on questions I have on my mind. So I must say prior to our ward discussion a while ago, I really really studied hard. My friend who is also part of the group asked me why I gave so much effort studying for this even on the smallest details. I also asked myself the same question especially during times of frustration and tiredness. I can just actually sleep the rest of the night or perhaps study for other subjects I need to. Last night got me thinking and I just assumed that maybe, I am just like this. I just really wanna know more and I hate myself for that.

Why do I really study hard?

My father whom I loved so much despite and in spite, had a stroke when I was just a first yr med student, supposedly 2nd yr but I got irregular. I only had the basics back then - anatomy, physiology, physical diagnosis & etc. When my father presented with right sided numbness of his upper ext progressing to lower ext, I thought of stroke but not with much conviction. Papa claims that maybe he excessively strained his muscles when he was doing some chores. Papa is generally healthy, not even hypertensive with no known heart problems. Although he is a smoker.  We immediately consulted to a physician, an Internist-Cardiologist, whom I can say is good since he has a specialty. He is also affiliated with good hospitals around the metro. Our consult took only for more or less 5 minutes, asked what’s Papa’s chief complaint, took his BP, typed something on his computer, gave us a request for some labs and CT scan. We had it done but results from the hospital takes days and the doctor was clear that he cannot say anything at the moment without the labs and ancillaries. We had a follow up 3 days after, the CT scan was cleared. At that time, I was already nervous I even asked the doctor if we should be referred to a neurologist  or if we should just go to ER dept of the hospital cause it might be stroke to which he just replied with, “I need to first the duplex scan but if you wish to consult a neuro, you may do so.” Having said that, my dad who found me so annoying that I am insisting to consult a neuro, trusted the doctor that it could be something else. Because again, who am I compared to a specialist. I understand Papa, he was also scared because who wouldn’t it be. But that night, I talked to him with my book on the side, did some neurologic test, in which there are some that he cannot do. I convinced him finally to see a neurologist despite his normal CT scan. The next morning we went to a neurologist and the doctor said it could be a stroke based on his presentation and he needs to be confined immediately. I was devastated.

Papa is okay now though, to the lay what he had is just a mild stroke (medically, there’s no, mild stroke). What he had is an ischemic stroke to brain small vessels hence the, “milder presentation”.

I found myself devastated again today most especially when our consultant a while ago was discussing about stroke. I was amazed because I didn’t expect he would share so much about “stroke” since he is an expert in Gastro. When we were sharing our differentials, he emphasized why in our case, the first think you’ll think of is stroke. Hemiparesis. One sided weakness. Even without laboratory tests/ancillaries, it’s like a bell ringing in your mind. Stroke, an acute onset of focal neurologic deficit commonly due to vascular pathology - the theoretical definition. He even gave us scenarios aside from the case we presented such as, “What if, despite thinking of stroke, patient did a CT scan and found to be normal. No history of other diseases. There’s only one sided weakness. Would you still think of it as a stroke?” It is a challenging question on what should be the next best step for the patient. My classmates were answering - MRI could be requested but Doc asked, “What if the patient doesn't want to do an MRI anymore due to financial problem or what if the patient got mad cause you as doctor said that the CT scan is enough to confirm it’s stroke.” I was just listening, deeply. It is a question not seen on books but often seen in a clinical setting. Moreover, I remembered Papa. Doc said then that it should be a pertinent negative, meaning from there you would think that probably the stroke is ischemic rather hemorrhagic which usually presents in a CT scan, at least days after. The next best step is to administer immediately treatment because again, with stroke, timing is everything.

I did not expect that after this case discussion, I will have the answer to my friend’s question, “Why do I really study hard?”. The answer was simple, deep down in my heart, I want to become a good doctor. I want to save people, more so my family in times of like this. I don’t wanna become the cardiologist who saw my father twice and didn’t give much importance to what my Papa’s feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame  him but I am certain I felt like he wasn’t at his best when he saw Papa for whatever reason I don’t know of. Imagine how many patients are being seen by doctors who doesn’t pay much attention. Our mentors would always say to us, ‘Treat all your patients as if they are your relatives.’ They say, being a doctor, is really a calling. It is true that it requires us so much time, patience, hard work, mental and emotional torture but when life and death comes into your table, as humans, what the very least thing you can do? For now, as a medical student, the very least thing that I can do is to study hard with more than I can to become the good doctor I want to be.

Maybe, it’s too idealistic of me saying I want to become a good doctor because soon in the clinical practice, there would be so much challenges. Soon, all patients would become merely cases & numbers. You can’t let all this consume you or else, you wont be at your best for your next patients. It is a situation we can’t help from happening. But why does it seem wrong or hard to become human in a situation we need to be one?

As doctors who have been through a lot. We are made out of the extremes of the extremes situation that humbled us to become more human. And for us to treat another human, we have first to become one.

May I be, when the time comes of burn out and verge of giving up, reminded of this - on why I want to become a good doctor. And hopefully, soon, even I know it’s a long way to go, become one. With God’s grace.

*this blog is made out of tears and extreme passion*

[goodnessmarygrace]

Part two of my POTS story...

So where I left off last time is when corona came around.

At this point, my symptoms were affecting my mental health as much as my physical. I could not focus in school. Therefore, my grades were harder to maintain and I hardly had enough energy left for the FFA contests and other organizations I was part of. I couldn’t sleep at night no matter how tired I was. When I did get a decent amount of sleep, I never felt well rested. My “everything is fine” mask was slipping hard. I cried nearly everyday. My anxiety was raging and I constantly felt terrible for not meeting all of my teacher’s and peer’s expectations. It dawned on me that my track season was done for, whether or not the pandemic took it. It was was March and I still couldn’t run my events without nearly collapsing. Everything getting cancelled was a relief because I didn’t get embarrassed from being such a mess everyday. I had so many “diagnoses” that I assumed people probably thought I was making it up. I even thought I was making it up. I brainwashed myself again. It was stressful. Everything was so uncertain that I avoided telling anyone anything about my many doctor appointments or deteriorating health.

When quarantine began, the real healing process began as well. I went to a doctor who helped me immensely. She told me to rest for 6 weeks. No exercise. This time, I was willing to do it since I was home. I had time to sleep and no longer had to juggle all of the stuff I was in. I spent time doing what I like to do, taking walks and looking at nature, being creative and using my artistic abilities, reading and getting closer to GOD again. I could finally take a deep breath. I realized that perfectionism and anxiety ruined my mind. I drew near to GOD in prayer and told Him that whatever happened next, I would trust His plan. This is the point in my life that I truly learned what trust and faith meant. I had many more doctor appointments to come. Through them all, I learned hope. I had to have hope that GOD would guide my doctors and help us to reach a diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with sinus arrhythmia and (misdiagnosed) with an incomplete RBBB and right axis diviation. I was also diagnosed with vocal cord disfunction, not asthma. When my mom noticed my shaking, (the shaking that I had been experiencing for the past year and thought was normal) we went to a neurologist. It was the neurologist who figured out the real problem though. He listened to my wild and crazy medical history story and all the happenings of the past few years. He seemed perplexed at first and deeply sad that I’d had so many issues. He had me hooked to a heart monitor (I’m a natural at those babies by now) and had me lie down. Then I sat up for a little before going to standing. I watched the screen with excitement. Was he seeing anything? All I could see was my heart rate increase. It went from the 60s to 100s in a matter of minutes. He told me I had something called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS for short. I didn’t really think too much about it. He didn’t explain what it was or anything and I assumed it was some harmless thing. I had bigger fish to fry. I had an MRI ordered to check on my spinal cord to see if it was tethered. I also was referred to a cardiologist. Call me crazy, but I actually hoped my spinal cord was tethered. That would mean that some of the weakness, clumsiness, numbness, tingling, chronic constipation, leg pain, and other muscular issues in my lower half could be cured or treated with a surgery. I prayed very hard in the next week that I had a tethered cord so that some of my problems could be fixed. I didn’t think very much about my POTS. As I prayed for my cord to be the answer, I also prayed that I would be able to recover if I didn’t get the diagnosis. And when the results came in and I was indeed “just fine,” I could take the disappointment. I decided then to look into POTS and figure out what it was. That’s when I realized that it was in fact the diagnosis we had been searching for all along. What a relief it was. Most people probably would think that being relieved about being chronically ill is ridiculous, but if you’d been suffering for two years for no apparent reason, you’d take whatever diagnosis you can. I had some more appointments with the cardiologist. Electrocardiograhm showed I was fine. The stress test said otherwise. A stress test is when you walk and run while hooked to an ECG and blood pressure cuff. I didn’t make it through 4 minutes of jogging before I was too dizzy to continue. My head ached for the rest of the day and I was exhausted. The weirdest part is, my blood pressure wouldn’t read correctly. Either I had no blood pressure at all or it was at 260/60!! That’s wack! I have to go back in a few months to get retested.

Meanwhile, I’ve come to terms with my POTS. I am grateful to finally know what is happening inside of me. I feel victorious even though the battle has just begun. For the past month, I have been getting increasingly worse. I nap nearly everyday where I used to nap once every 6 months, no matter how tired I was. My heart palpitates like crazy. I can literally see it convulsing frantically in my chest. I’m out of breath walking to the bathroom. I’m even more fatigued than I was during school. Standing for long periods of time is rough, but gardening is even worse. Squatting down and getting up to plant plants, hoeing the soil, and pulling weeds in the summer heat and humidity is insanely dizzying. Everything gets more difficult everyday, no matter how much water I drink, salt it eat, and light exercise I do.

Some of my friends know I’ve been to doctors. Some know I have POTS. Most of them don’t know anything. Very few are aware of what it’s actually like to be chronically ill. They don’t know that my chances of being able to play sports when school resumes are low. So you may be wondering, how am I possibly excited for the future awaiting me and glad I’ve gone through all of this in the past year? Well, the answer is because through it all, it was an answer to the prayers I prayed in the summer of 2019. GOD began putting His plan in action before I even realized I wanted it to happen. My relationship with Him is much deeper. I have a testimony now and I know what faith, hope, and trust mean. I have the courage now to let go of the activities and responsibilities in my life that are holding me back. I plan to quit basketball (I was never very good in the first place) and pursue my GOD-given talent for art. I plan to bring about a business that will impact others. I plan to show others the gift of life that only GOD can give. I plan to share my journey on Tumblr, even if no one is here to read it. I plan to lean on GOD like never before and hopefully learn a thing or two about self-love and self-care. For the first time, I can say that I’m not actually following my plan, but the one that GOD has for me. It took years for it to come into focus, but now I’m confident that He knows what He’s doing and it’s all for the best. It’s going to be an adventure, but maybe the hardest part is already over. After two years of denial and running in circles, I am finally going somewhere. Even if it means I will be limited to my physical capabilities.

I think I’m ready.

-Mary Grace

June 8, 2020

[thisbibliomaniac]

Been a while since I’ve done this so all the asks please and thank

You’re lucky I love you 🙄 1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I’m perfectly average, and I’m good with that

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) A tiger 🐅

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Classic 50’s / 60’s

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Mario kart

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: My religion, my work, and whatever fiction (book, show, etc) I’m into at the time

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? WARNING: DON’T ASK ABOUT HER CATS

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? Need a person/thing dude

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] Uhhhhhh idk it’s in my bio

9: Are you ticklish? No

10: Are you allergic to anything? Maybe??¿?

11: What’s your sexuality? Straight

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? TEA

13: Are you a cat or dog person? Cats

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Elf

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? Crowder

16: How tall are you? 5'5"

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Anything, I hate my name. I’d ever prefer if it were the French spelling

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] No idea tbh

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? In the biblical sense 😂

20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Space

21: Are you religious? Very much so

22: Pet peeves? Audible chewing / breathing / snoring

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? Diurnal

24: Favorite constellation? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

25: Favorite star? How?

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? I guess

27: Any phobias or fears? Oh yes

28: Do you think global warming is real? Nope

29: Do you believe in reincarnation? No

30: Favorite movie? Sabrina 1995

31: Do you get scared easily? No

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? Family pets? Many. Mine own? Snuggles, and technically part of Stitch

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] 23/30

34: What is a color that calms you? Pink

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Paris

36: Where were you born? Ohio

37: What is your eye color? Brown

38: Introvert or extrovert? Introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? No

40: Hugs or kisses? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? You. Come visit me.

42: Who is someone you love deeply? Obi

43: Any piercings you want? I’d like my second ear piercings back :/

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Depends

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? Noooooo

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! Indians #22 😍

47: What is a sound you really hate? 21 pilots

48: A sound you really love? When Loki sits in the hall and yells

49: Can you do a backflip? Lol no

50: Can you do the splits? LOL no

51: Favorite actor and/or actress? Errol Flynn and Judy Garland

52: Favorite movie? Didn’t I just answer this?

53: How are you feeling right now? Good

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? I like the color it is

55: When did you feel happiest? Reading

56: Something that calms you down? Crochet

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] LOL probably

58: What does your URL mean? I like books

59: What three words describe you the most? Uh idk you tell me

60: Do you believe in evolution? Noooooooooooo

61: What makes you unfollow a blog? The sight of their url fills me with annoyance

62: What makes you follow a blog? A real person who posts like a real person

63: Favorite kind of person: Lots of people

64: Favorite animal(s): Cats

65: Name three of your favorite blogs. No, too many

66: Favorite emoticon: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

67: Favorite meme: Cow poetry

68: What is your MBTI personality type? Istj

69: What is your star sign? 🌟

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? No, it’s a constant source of amusement

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? None

72: Post a selfie or two? No

73: Do you have platform shoes? No

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I need another MRI!

75: Can you do a front flip? No

76: Do you like birds? No

77: Do you like to swim? Yes

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? I used to like both!

79: Something you wish didn’t exist: Taxes. Insurance.

80: Some thing you wish did exist: More space

81: Piercings you have? Ears

82: Something you really enjoy doing: Crochet

83: Favorite person to talk to: Stell

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? Funny

85: How many followers do you have? I’ve been hovering around 1200 for months

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? Idk probably not

87: Do your socks always match? Never

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? Uhhh idr? Maybe

89: What are your birthstones? I think Pearl?

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? Cat

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Plumeria

92: A store you hate? Menards and I’ve never even been there

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? None!!!!

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? For

95: Do you like to wear camo? No

96: Winter or summer? Winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for? No idea

98: Least favorite person? Rory

99: Someone you look up to: Elinor dashwood

100: A store you love? Earth fare

101: Favorite type of shoes D:

102: Where do you live? Ohio

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? Nope! 104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Turquoise? 105: Do you drink milk? Sometimes. A2 low temp 106: Do you like bugs? NO 107: Do you like spiders? NOO 108: Something you get paranoid about? SPIDERS 109: Can you draw: No :( 110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? “Can you draw?” Oh also, “Why no ring?” By a patient I did not like. 111: A question you hate being asked? “How do you feel?” Hate it a lot. 112: Ever been bitten by a spider? Yes :/ 113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? Yes 114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Cloudy 115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: Obi, my puppy 116: Favorite cloud type: Uh. White? 117: What color do you wish the sky was? Pink 118: Do you have freckles? Some. Not as many as id like 119: Favorite thing about a person: Sense of humor 120: Fruits or vegetables? Both!!!! 121: Something you want to do right now: Get some work done, but SOMEONE needed every question answered 122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? Sky 123: Sweet or sour foods? Both 124: Bright or dim lights? Both 125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? Dragons 126: Something you hate about Tumblr: The users 127: Something you love about Tumblr: The users 128: What do you think about the least? I think about most things a lot 129: What would you want written on your tombstone? That’s one to think about. Suggestions? 130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Me. No, whoever invented insurance. 131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? Everything, but mostly hate 132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Yes, because as bad as that is, the alternative is unthinkable 133: Computer or TV? Computer 134: Do you like roller coasters? No 135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? No 136: Are your ears lobed or attached? ?? 137: Do you believe in karma? No 138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? -6 139: What nicknames do you have/have had? N/A 140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? Yes 141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? No 142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good I hope 143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving 144: What makes you angry Politics, and people who insist on talking about them when you’re really not in the mood 145: How many languages do you speak fluently? None 146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? What 😂😂😂😂 147: Are you androgynous? Hahahahhaahhaha 148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: None 149: Favorite thing about your personality: Definitely none 150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. There’s so many questions here 151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? 1890 152: Do you like BuzzFeed? No 153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] I didn’t 154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? No idea 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? No 156: What embarrasses you? Second hand embarrassment 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: Being late 158: Biggest lie you have ever told: Idk 159: How many people are you following? A lot 160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? Lots 161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? So many 162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? Uhhh 163: Last time you cried and why: No 164: Do you have long or short hair? In between 165: Longest your hair has ever been: Very long 166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? Depends on the religion 167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Extremely 168: Do you like to wear makeup? Yes 169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? No 170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yes Happy?

[not-poignant]

(this might be a bit personal, and by all means please don't feel pressured to answer) but considering how dark some of your stuff can get, have you ever been troubled by some of the characters/their actions in your stories (and semi-related) had to take some time to cope with writing a difficult scene?

This is a tough one so I’m going to put a lot of it under a read more (sorry phone browsers).

I’ve had the occasional moment of struggling with content because of being troubled by it.

But by contrast it’s funny because, I think some of the most difficult scenes for others, are actually some of the easiest for me to write. For example, the chapter where Connor is basically kidnapped by Gabriel and given the highball, was so easy to write it was like swimming (which is the only sports-like skill I’m good at). If everything could be like that, oh my goodness, I can’t even imagine. It was an intense, emotionally fraught, joyful experience of the likes I don’t know how to explain to other people who don’t experience that.

So there’s not always any rhyme or reason to it either. I struggled with significant chunks of Strange Sights. I couldn’t finish The Drawn Bead because it just felt like we were heading towards torture porn but I also knew I couldn’t do justice to the horror of Gwyn’s memory AND it has a tragic ending and I struggle to write those for longer pieces. I tend to struggle with characters being separated from each other. So the beginning of Into Shadows We Fall, when Jack and Pitch are completely separated from each other, that was so difficult for me personally, that I actually ended up massively shortening how long they were meant to be separated for. Even though Pitch and Jack have a really thorny relationship when Pitch is returned, I still preferred that to their being absent from each other.

But I didn’t have as much of a problem with it, when it was Gwyn and Augus.

It’s not predictable, sometimes I enjoy writing the troubling content on a very visceral level. Either because I feel like I’m in my element as a writer. Or I know it’s going to be so satisfying (for me) for the character to recover from it later. Or I know that it’s going to lead to something I’ve been craving writing. I mean I wouldn’t write so much of that kind of content if I didn’t get something really tangible out of it.

There are still things that surprise me, still scenes that become more difficult as I write them, not because of ‘technical writing reasons’ but because of the thematic content. Often, for me, it highlights things I probably won’t enjoy writing again. Strange Sights for me worked as a series of oneshots, but as a long-term abusive and rape-filled relationship, it didn’t actually become comfortable for me until Augus began to be allowed to have boundaries. So I probably won’t write a couple that toxic ever again outside of novellas and PWPs. With the beginning of Into Shadows We Fall, I learned I had to be really careful with character separation, and that three chapters was about my limit (from memory, I think I stuck to this - or just about - in COFT).

But...maybe it would make people feel better if I said I really struggled with writing Gavril taunting Jack. Or Jack being whipped by Bunnymund. Or Augus torturing him in chapter 4 of ISWF. Or Gwyn being tormented by his mother. Or Mosk having flashbacks of Davix and Olphix. I find them intense, sure, but I don’t dislike doing it. Even though I often really feel for the character who is experiencing the torment. Gwyn goes through a fairly graphic description an MRI the next chapter in SOTS, and though I myself actually had an MRI phobia for a few years (it was the reason I developed claustrophobia), I found the scene itself disturbing, but deeply satisfying enough that I wouldn’t call it something where I needed to take time out to cope.

As for me being troubled by how the characters are actually behaving... This is tricky. I mean of course a lot of them are doing stupid, terrible, harmful, cruel, illegal things. I don’t condone it in reality. But thinking of these things happening in fiction is different to thinking about them happening in reality. The fact is, ‘dubcon’ in reality is just rape, and if I applied real world standards to non-real scenarios filled with tropes and the Id, yeah sure, I would be troubled, but I’d also not be writing any of this content.

As an addendum to that, for me their behaviour always makes sense to me from their perspective. Whether it’s Mosk being emotionally abusive with no concept of it. Gwyn raping Augus. Augus killing Efnisien. Pitch in TGATNW being heartless and constantly pushing Jack away with very cruel behaviour. Even Davix and Olphix. Whatever their behaviour is, if I can understand their motives behind it, I tend to struggle with it a lot less.

I don’t like to squick myself with my own writing, as a general rule. So no, I’m not looking to write things where I need to take breaks from my own writing to cope. But I think to be blunt, my life is filled with things more challenging than what I put a lot of my characters through, and my emotional ability to handle disturbing behaviour is broader than I think it would be for some other people. It doesn’t mean I lack empathy or compassion, if anything I hope that through my writing, people can see that I have great compassion for the characters that often suffer the most, through my need to build up a chosen/found family around them, and pour love onto them, even if they don’t know what to do with it.

Those that are here in the pit of ‘enjoying Pia’s writing’ are probably here because the comfort when it comes is - I hope - tangible and visceral, the loneliness when it’s comforted away reaches past the screen and means something. And holding onto that thread myself is why I enjoy the hurt part of the hurt/comfort as much as the comfort part, but also why I don’t like to write one without the other.

And finally, most of my POV characters, by the time we get to them, have been through their darkest moments in their pasts. The only way we often access their worst moments is through flashbacks, memories, dialogue or their aversions. That might feel very extreme to some, but for me, it means by the time we get to them, they’re already starting to recover something for themselves. The worst has happened.

Even if they go through something during the story, say - Connor in Eversion with Gabriel - I just think ‘it’s okay, they’re already in the story, their support is there, they’re going to be okay.’ It’s...extremely rare for me to write stories where the character goes through their worst trauma within the story. Science of Fear is an exception to that, but as most people know if they’ve read it - Nathan blacks out early on, and then once more, we only find out the details of his worst trauma in the form of nightmares, flashbacks and dialogue.

That’s partly because I feel personally that I write trauma recovery stories, and not trauma stories (it doesn’t sound like a huge difference, but to me it’s a huge difference). And then secondly because there is a buffer through the trauma itself being in the form of a memory. That...makes it a lot easier for me to cope with. I’ve spent my entire life learning how to cope with flashbacks, after all. But also, even if the character is clearly destroyed by a flashback, the fact is, they survived it. The flashback is living proof they survived it.

But anyway, I’d say me taking breaks from my own writing because of disturbing content specifically doesn’t really happen anymore and I can’t remember the last time it did. I take breaks because I’m struggling with a chapter - i.e. how to write it mechanically, or because I feel like it doesn’t have the emotional strength I want it to have yet. I am actually very comfortable with many of the themes I write, I’d have a far squickier, grosser, harder time writing pregnancy, or a story filled with only fluff, which is y’know, why...I don’t really write those things, lol. I’m too much of a hedonist to want to write content that scared me away from my own content? Like, you do you, folks, but I’m going to be over here actually enjoying what I write, disturbing matter and all.

That doesn’t mean other people can’t have a hard time with it. It’s totally okay for people to take breaks from whatever they read, for whatever reason. And since a lot of the characters I write do engage in troubling behaviour, it wouldn’t be great if people said ‘that behaviour is okay to do in real life’ because it isn’t. But if someone said ‘god I love that villain because he’s awful’ then yeah, I’m right there with pom poms, because that’s my jam too. And if someone else said ‘I can’t stand that villain because he’s awful’ then yeah, that’s awesome as well.

And if people need to take breaks while reading what I’m writing because they’re engaging in self-care, then good! I’ve needed to do the same with other people’s writing. Because the journey of the reader is different to the journey of the writer (this is for me, truest when writing porn, lmao, I’m not turning myself on when I write those scenes, but I sure as hell hope I’m turning on at least some readers --> so if I’m not walking away from the disturbing content in my own writing, that doesn’t mean I’m not hoping people won’t be disturbed when reading it).

[luna-rainbow]

2019 spring dorama

Radiation House (Rating 12.7) Stars: Kubota Masataka, Honda Tsubasa The rating is better than it deserves, to be honest. Kubota is likeable enough, but Honda's acting is back at its cringeworthy worst again. She's like Gakki from 2009 - all angry scenes are acted as "I'm trying to be cutely angry! Mou!" To be fair, it probably isn't that bad for the lay person, but even as someone who isn't very familiar with radiology, the whole set up of the drama has many logical and logistical issues: - I appreciate you need to exposit for the audience about medical terms, but for a radiographer to need an explanation of what metal artefact looks like is deeply concerning. - Why would you do an MRI and then be surprised he had a cerebral coil? Firstly you saw it on the CT and secondly...why aren't you doing a safety check in someone who was cognisant? - Real question: what is the chance of developing a contrast allergy between a previous uneventful angiogram and coiling, and now? - Why are radiographers visiting patients in their rooms during work hours? It looks like a pretty busy unit. - Why are radiographers getting involved with family discussions? - This may be because the girl is the director's daughter - but it is very bizarre for her to stop the patient being transferred to a tertiary hospital for definitive treatment when the admitting neurosurgeon doesn't feel comfortable keeping him. - Cerebral aneurysm coiling without anaesthetics support in a patient who had just seized and dropped GCS...wow. - This is a minor nitpick but - how is it that people walking outside the radiology department was able to see a patient transferring from one imaging room to another? What sort of bizarre, non-confidential set-up is this? - Real question: is it possible to make a diagnosis of intracerebral paragonimiasis (lung fluke infection) based only on MRI? Like...a single ring-enhancing lesion with surrounding oedema in a 60yo Japanese man surely has multiple differentials? - Why would you choose to be a radiographer when you have a medical license? Don't get me wrong, a good radiographer is a tremendously valuable asset, but you would have much more freedom and flexibility as a radiologist with excellent understanding of the mechanics of radiation, than a radiographer with diagnostic knowledge. The problem with a lot of these medical dramas is that there are only so many specialties that work in their own little world and be believable - ED, ICU, gynae and paediatrics. The rest of medicine is much more multidisciplinary and team-based, and you can't have a story that pretend the rest of the hospital doesn't exist. The subject matter is unique - it's not often we see radiology brought to the forefront, and as the show says, the radiology team is a very important part of the whole diagnostic process. The problem with diagnostic radiology is that...you really don't get that much interaction with the patient, and you actually aren't that involved with the diagnostic, education or treatment process except in very complex cases where - again, you're likely to be part of a multidisciplinary team trying to treat a multisystem issue. I am all for stories that showcase other specialties apart from neurosurgery and cardiothoracics (maybe there's something romantic or heroic about these two? Who knows)...but what I'd really love is a story that really show how the teams work together in a hospital, because some of the best stories are when the team players get along and work with the patient towards a good outcome.

[mrsronan]

Mustard Seed Hope

In March I was pulled off a clinical trial and saw growth in my tumors. I began losing hope. My thoughts were focused on how I needed to prepare for dying. I felt most things are in order for the worst case scenario of if I die. But, there were a few loose ends to tie together. I wanted to make sure my daughter was enrolled in pre-school and she had someone set up to take her to ballet classes. I’ve been talking to a few family members about what I hope Catica’s long term care will look like if I’m ever not able to be a part of that. I’ve told a few really really close family members hopes for my funeral arrangements. 

My silent thoughts often began with “when I die…” Rarely was I having any thoughts that I might live to see the future (I’m not sure how far in the future it needs to be to be considered the future, but that’s a whole nother topic). I had been keeping my dismal, doom and gloom thoughts to myself. I figured there was no need to drag anyone down into this hopeless pit with me. I was depending on the hope and faith of others to get me through this time. 

Then, one Friday morning I decided to let my husband in on the level of discouragement I’d been feeling. Right away he began praying God would do something to encourage me. That night we went to a worship and prayer meeting at my church. The Holy Spirit moved. It wasn’t a powerful passionate prayer, it wasn’t a worship song that touched me deeply. It was the Warriors (dubnation!) I was journaling and pulled out my phone to look up a scripture. At the same time I got a message from a friend offering me her tickets to game 1 of the first round of playoffs (Warriors vs. Clippers), the next day! I text all Catica’s babysitters immediately and came up with someone to watch her. 

So, we went to the game. We sat court side. 😄 We ate caramel corn and drank soda (don’t judge me). 

Before the game started we saw our friend Walter. Walter’s wife Lori is the Primary Inputter Statistician for the Warriors. She is the first woman to ever hold her position. She’s a world class, world changing woman.(https://www.sfchronicle.com/news/article/History-making-ground-breaker-is-the-one-who-12771482.php. ) (https://www.nba.com/warriors/video/teams/warriors/2019/05/03/2593738/1556916805436-people-lori-2593738)

Walter is one of the chaplains for the Warriors. We let our friends Walter and Lori know we’d be at the game. About 10 minutes before tip off Walter was walking around the court and waved to us. He walked deliberately toward us and placed a small glass jar in my hand. “Chastidy, what I’m giving you is very special. Only the players and coaches have been given this, and now I’m giving it to you.” In the jar were four mustard seeds. Walter told me the legend of the mustard seed jar. In 2015, he gave them to all the players at chapel before the first playoff game and reminded them that it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. That was the first year this team won the finals. In 2016, he did not give them a mustard seed jar, in an unexpected and hardly explainable twist the Warriors did not win finals that year. In 2017, the players went to Walter and said, “Hey, we need those mustard seeds this year Walter!” So the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with 2 mustard seeds and they won the finals. In 2018, the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with three mustard seeds and they won the finals. And this year, in 2019 they were given a jar with 4 mustard seeds. I’m assuming they’ll win the finals. Walter told me the players need to have faith to accomplish the mission they are working toward. And, he knows I need to have faith right now, too. But he reminded me it only takes a little. Place my mustard seed size faith in God, knowing He is able move mountains and remove tumors. 

The half time show was a group of kids that looked to be 8-10 years old doing this amazing hip-hop dance to music from my high school years. They were awesome!

The Warriors not only won that first play off game, but they dominated! 

On our way out of Oracle there were fireworks, people dancing, good cheer and hope every where.  

Yes, hope everywhere. Even in my heart. 

As we walked out of Oracle I found myself thinking hopeful thoughts; thoughts that I might live a long life. I was thinking I can’t wait to see Catica* dance at a Warriors half time. Maybe I don’t need to find someone to take her to ballet, instead, I need to find out what dance school was performing today. 

It was the first time in over six weeks I had hopeful thoughts about the future, and that I might be here to see it. Going to the Warriors game and receiving that little jar of mustard seeds restored my hope.

GENERAL HEALTH UPDATE: 

On paper, things aren’t looking so good. But I’ve got a jar of mustard seeds and God is still in the business of miracles. I’ll start with what’s good and you can read as far into the bad as you’d like. 

I got a spot on a clinical trial in San Francisco.  More info on the trial can be found with this link (https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT03634982?term=rmc4630&rank=1).  I started the trial on Tuesday.  So far I haven’t had any noteworthy side affects. 

I went to three hospitals in Ohio for second opinions and to discuss treatment options in case we decided to move back to be close to family.   I saw Dr. Olugbenga at the University of Cincinnati. He referred to UCSF as “the Mecca of trials” and recommended I continue receiving treatment here, saying UC wouldn't have any trials to offer me at this time. He was the first doctor who has offered to pray with me during a visit, and it wasn’t a half hearted run of the mill prayer, but a fervent, passionate, and heartfelt petition! This was very encouraging! I saw Dr. Krishnamurthi at the Cleveland Clinic. She said with the level of disease I have throughout my body I wouldn’t be a candidate for the hepatic pump or a liver transplant. She also inferred they don’t have any trials right now that she’d recommend. She made it seem as if the best thing for me is to stay at UCSF for now.  I saw Dr. Laith at the James Center at Ohio State University. He informed me of a car-t-cell (I might be spelling that wrong) therapy trial they will have sometime in the next year. He recommended going ahead with the trial I just started at UCSF, but contacting him if/when I finish that trial to see if they have openings on car-t-cell trial. 

I had MRI’s on both legs which showed tumors in both femurs. This means the pain I had been believing was a side effect of one of my medications is actually tumors. The pain is sometimes livable, and sometimes so extreme I can’t stand up. The pain increases with the amount of activity I do. I’ll be getting radiation to both femurs which is supposed to stop the tumor growth and the pain. However, I can’t get the radiation until after I have been on this trial for over a month, so sometime in early July I’ll be getting radiation. Until then, I just have to deal with the pain. My doctor suggested using a cane, but I have purchased one yet. Some days I feel like I need one, some days I can hobble along with out one. When staying with my brother-n-law’s family recently I had to go up and down stairs a few times a day. I couldn’t do it; I’d sit down and scoot like a baby, but it got me where I needed to go. The pain has prevented me from exercising like I would like to, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to move around normally after the radiation in July. 

I continue to have a very persistent cough from the lung tumors. The cough is worse the more I move. When I’ve been sedentary for about 20+ minutes, my cough subsides. Sometimes, the cough becomes so severe I’m gasping for air and it can induce vomiting.  

There is a new tumor on my right ovary. It doesn’t cause any noteworthy pain. 

OTHER NEWS: 

We have been given the great opportunity to sublease a beautiful two bedroom apartment. Some friends are moving to Africa for a year and we get the blessing of renting their apartment while they are gone. The apartment is on the same block as our church and there are about 15 friends, couples, or families we know from church who also live on that block (all in properties owned by our church). Moving here will not only be a blessing because of the space (Catica will finally have her own room and there is an amazing back yard), and location (it’s near a park, an organic grocery store, and several great restaurants), but also because of the community (we’ll be surrounded by friends from church who’ve offered to help us). 

We also made a short trip to Ohio at the end of May for a friends wedding and to visit those hospitals. For a variety of reasons related to my medical care we didn’t know for sure until the day before the trip that we’d be going. We bought tickets and left with in 24 hours. We didn’t get to see many people because of the wedding and spending 4 days at hospitals, but it was great to see the few family and friends we did get to see. If we missed seeing you on this trip, it’s not or lack of love, just lack of time.  

*Catica is pronounced KAH-tee-tsa. It rhymes with pizza.  

June 6, 2019

[chatteringorb]

So, we’re doing this again…

I originally started this blog to report on my wife’s first battle with breast cancer almost six years ago. Jody had her own tumblr, but didn’t really want to talk about her illness, so I took on that role so her friends could know what was going on.  I met lot of great people because of tumblr, including some in real life. After nearly ten months, Jody was declared cancer-free (or at least as cancer free as one can be, given, y’know, Cancer), and my blog evolved into other things, like gardening and food.

But, it’s back. Yes, Jody has once again been diagnosed with cancer. So the blog is circling back to its beginning.  [Lots more details after the jump.]

In October Jody developed a cough, which she thought was just a symptom of a cold she had at the time. But after the cold went away, the cough didn’t. She suspected it had become a case of walking pneumonia. Since we were planning on going to visit her almost 90-year-old mother for Thanksgiving, Jody decided to get her lung situation checked out, so she wouldn’t be contagious during our visit.

Because we just move to this mid-Mitten town, we didn’t yet have a primary care physician, so she called the local urgent care facility. They told her that if she was having trouble breathing that they would most likely just send her to Emergency at the hospital in the next town over, so they suggested she go directly there instead, which is what Jody did.  She called me after a few hours (I was busy teaching) and told me that they had taken a chest x-ray and didn’t like what they saw, so they wanted to do some more tests.   A CT scan came back even less promising, and they directed her to an oncologist so she could get additional tests done. Now, in order for her to have an MRI and some of the other tests, she needed to have a PCP, which now we have, and he formally referred her to the oncologist.

The Wednesday after Thanksgiving Jody met with the oncologist who had studied her x-ray and CT scan, and he referred her for some additional tests, including an MRI and a biopsy of lung tissue. She spent all of one afternoon and into the evening getting a PET scan and an MRI of her head. The PET scan was not good, but the MRI of her head showed nothing. (ß Joke, yes you may laugh). 

The results, in summary: cancer in both lungs, both hips, in her spine, and in numerous lymph nodes.  It’s not simply a tumor to be excised. Numerically: stage 4 metastatic cancer.  The biopsy indicates that it is the same cancer as she had in her breast and a few lymph nodes back in 2013.

The prognosis:  if she has no treatment, she will not likely live even a year.  With chemotherapy and possibly additional hormone therapy, her five-year survival probability is perhaps 40-50%.

Despite her statement after chemo the first time that she would never do it again, Jody will start chemotherapy this Friday. Her initial schedule is to do six rounds at three-week intervals, which takes us to mid-April.  Last time she followed the chemo that shrunk her tumor with a radical mastectomy.  Can’t do that to both her lungs.

In her current condition, Jody finds it difficult to breathe deeply, as the growth in her lungs is constricting her bronchial tubes.  When she changes her body position, she often starts coughing. She tries to breathe and move very carefully, but that causes anxiety. Anxiety causes her core muscles to contract, making it more difficult to breathe, leading to more coughing. And, you have a negative feedback loop.  With our most recent consultation with one of the oncologists, we explored and thoroughly discussed this issue, and we are working to alter her drug therapies for her anxiety/depression and also her asthma. Already, prior to any formal changes to her medicine, just by knowing what part of the problem is, Jody has modified her own prescription schedule a little so that it is helping her breathing.  She made it all through family Christmas dinner and socializing with only one mild coughing spell. The oncologist says that she may see rapid improvement in her breathing perhaps after only one dose of chemo. Breathing is good.

That’s what we know right now, and now you do to. So, what can you do?

Thoughts and prayers are always welcome, but more tangible expressions are even nicer, too: cards, visits, emails.  Financially we are luckier than most with a family safety net, and better off than we were the first time around, when we had to COBRA her insurance to maintain coverage. Our deductibles and copays are better now, too. (Yay for teachers’ unions, and all other unions that help and protect their members and their families!) We got through this the first time with lots of emotional support from friends and family, and that helps a lot. Having great senses of humor, and people to humor us, was also important. So, send us funny things! Jody starts many sentences these days with “Not to be morbid, but…” If we cannot laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?

If you are nearby, visits are welcome, but please call ahead to make sure that she didn’t just finish a chemo treatment and is now busy for the next three days puking her guts out—she’s not a very good hostess in those conditions. Delivering food, while appreciated, is not necessary, as her appetite has already waned over the past six weeks and will definitely get worse during chemo. Also, I like to cook and it is an outlet for my own tension and anxiousness, plus it’s my favorite way to show people I love them, so I want to cook for her what foods she may actually want to eat.

Please feel free to email or message your questions or concerns. I’m a teacher by nature as well as profession, so I like sharing knowledge about our situation and how we are dealing with it; it’s actually therapeutic for me I believe. And if I can help others understand what we are going through, maybe it will be easier for them to go through their own similar traumas in the future, and then Jody’s cancer will have been an indirect way to make the world a slightly better place for some people.

One more thing: death. There is a strong likelihood that this bout of cancer will kill my wife.  Perhaps not immediately but eventually. Jody is not afraid of death, however. She is already a survivor, as a child, of a near-death experience, and has positive expectations for the next Act in this eternal improvisation we call life. She has no unfinished business, no regrets, no amends to make, and has been a light unto this present world, and welcomes the peace that comes with death from this life, whenever that may occur. That said, she’s willing to fight the good fight for her current life for the people around her who she loves and who would sorely miss her. And she looks forward to the continuing opportunity to do more Good for others while still here on Earth.

I have set up a Caring Bridge account, if you are interested in more day-to-day reports. Posts here to tumblr are more likely to be of the general week-at-a-time variety.  

https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jodyvanderyacht

Thank you for reading, and thanks for your friendship and support.

[consultingundergroundrainbow]

Life Changes (ch 3)

Peter wakes up around eleven to a text from Tony.

Received Tony: Make sure to hydrate today when you practice. I’d hate to see you in the ER due to collapsing.

Peter smiles softly before getting up and snapping a picture of his water bottle and sending.

Sent Tony: We still on for tonight?

He gets up and gets dressed, finding a pair of soft pants and a button down. He decided to go to the studio to work on some the dances he was given as the dancing part of the audition. The dance was fairly simple but that means he had to be perfect and no less. Of course, with his standards, anything less than perfect wasn’t good enough.

Peter was making a sandwich when his phone pinged. He sets the knife down and unlocked it.

Received Tony: Of course. I’m looking forward to it. Did you sleep well?

Sent Tony: I did. Did you?

Peter puts the phone in his pocket and slides his shoes on, grabbing his sandwich and his keys. He takes a bite and walks out, locking the door before going to to his car. His phone buzzed as he was unlocking his car.

Received Tony: I’m a doctor. There’s no such thing as a good night sleep anymore.

Sent Tony: Oh. I’m sorry :(

Peter slides into the car and sets his phone into the passenger seat, finishing his sandwich and taking off to the studio. This was the studio where he learned to dance and it was his safe haven. He greets the lady at the desk, Sherri.

“How are you doing today Peter?”

“I’m doing great. How’s the kids?” Peter smiles.

“Growing like weeds. So, Something Rotten, huh? Which character?”

“William Shakespeare.” Peter laughs a little.

Sherri raises an eyebrow. “Wanting a reason to take your shirt off on stage?” She teases.

“Are you complaining?”

“Not at all. I just need to know when I can clear my calendar to come watch.” She wiggles her eyebrows. Peter chuckles.

“Behave Sherri.” He scolds.

“Or what? You’ll spank me?”

Peter rolls his eyes with a smile. Sherri was a flirt but was harmless. She drops off a muffin on her desk before making his way into the studio. He sits his bag down and kneels next to the stereo and connected his phone. He sits with his legs out and stretches, before picking himself up and beginning to dance around the room. He lets himself get caught up in the music and the moments just come naturally.

-----.-----

Tony smiles as he finishes his rounds, making his way to the break room for coffee. He nearly runs into Stephen Strange on his way though. Stephen was the head of neurosurgery.

“Woah!” Stephen stumbles back a little. “Earth to Stark.”

Tony shakes his head. “Sorry sorry.”

“What’s got you so distracted?” Stephen moves aside so Tony could get to the coffee pot.

“I’m tired mostly.”

“But you’re in a good mood. You’re an asshole when you’re tired. Did you have sex?” Stephen asked with an amused smile.

“No.” Tony takes a deep drink from his mug. He hums at the strength. It tasted amazing.

“I don’t believe you.”

Tony sits the mug down on the counter.

“I did not have sex. But I met a guy.”

Stephen makes an ‘ah’ sound. “That makes sense. Tell me about him?”

“His name is Peter Parker-”

“Peter Parker? Like the one on Broadway?”

Tony shot him an annoyed look. He hated being interrupted. Stephen didn’t even bother to look sorry.

“Yes, the one from Broadway. He’s pretty and seems very sweet. We’re meeting for dinner when I get off.”

“You better be careful Tony.”

Tony raises an eyebrow.

“And what does that mean?”

“You are both well known public figures. If this ends bad it could ruin your career. Plus, even with as annoying as you are, I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“I honestly don’t see this going bad. At least I really hope it doesn’t. He seems like a really good person. He sang me to sleep last night.” Tony mentions, raising an eyebrow at Stephen’s last remark. “Oh Stephen! You do care!” He says with a laugh.

Stephen rolls his eyes. “You’re needed in the ER. Boss’ orders.”

Tony sighs and puts his mug in the sink. “I have an operation at three.”

“He knows. But there’s a guy who said he has had a headache for a week and a half. Rogers says to check it out.”

“Alright. Fine.” He turns and leaves the room, making his way down to the ER.

 “Good morning, I’m Dr. Tony Stark. I see you’ve been having headaches for a week and a half?” Tony asked, going over the chart. He looks up at the man. He looked young, maybe a sophomore in high school.

“No sir, not headaches. Just one non stop headache.” He winces and closes his eyes against the bright lights of the hospital.

Well that was not good.

“Okay…” Tony glances at the chart. “Aaron, we’re gonna get you up to MRI and see if we can find the cause of these pains okay?”

Aaron just nods.

-----.-----

Peter lays flat on his back in the middle of the studio, with his eyes closed and just let the music wash over him. He kept his mind blank, unsure what to even expect that evening. He honestly did try to keep his mind on his audition, and he was able to for a while but his mind kept slipping back to Tony’s invite. Was it a date? Was it just casual? What do you wear to a dinner with a famous brain surgeon? He sits up and rubs his face. He needed help. He called Ned.

“Hello hello. How may I be of service Dancing Queen?”

Peter rolls his eyes at the nickname.

“I need help. I can’t figure out what to wear tonight.”

“Is it a date?”

“Well I’m getting dinner with Tony-”

“You’re getting dinner with Tony Stark?!?”

Peter had to hold the phone away from his ear at Ned’s loud tone.

“Yes and I need your help.”

“I’m on my way.”

Peter hangs up and laughs to himself. He picks himself up and turns the stereo off before telling Sherri goodbye and heading home.

-----.-----

“Hey Strange. Come here.” Tony calls, sticking his head out of the lab door. Stephen looks over with a tilted head.

“What?” He asked, coming in and sitting his coffee down.

“Look at this.”

Tony puts up Aaron’s scans on the display.

“My god.” Stephen leans forward. “That thing is the size of my fist!”

“Yeah. We have to operate. Toady. That thing is going to kill him if we don’t.”

“What about your date?”

Tony bites his lip. Was it a date? He would love for it to be a date, but he wasn’t sure Peter would be up for it. Stephen snaps his fingers.

“Earth to Stark. Hello!”

Tony shakes his head.

“Sorry sorry. No I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s a good person.”

“Alright. If you say so. I’ll get an intern started on pre ops.”

“Yeah and I’ll go tell him what’s happening-” Tony stopped when his pager went off. He checks it and swears loudly. “Damnit! He’s coding. We are operating now!” He bolts out the door.

-----.-----

Peter stands outside the hospital for a moment, smoothing his shirt and taking a deep breath. He and Ned ended up settling on a red button down and black slacks.He shifts from one foot to the other. It was about half an hour before he wonders if he should have gone inside. He sighs and squared his shoulders before going in. He looks around for a moment before the nurse at the desk calls him over.

“Sir? May I help you?”

Peter clears his throat, suddenly nervous.

“Um...Yes. Can you tell me where Dr. Stark is?”

“He’s in surgery.”

Relief floods over Peter like a tidal wave. Tony was in surgery. He hadn’t been stood up.

“Okay thank you.”

He looks around and finds a seat, sitting down to wait. He pulls out his phone and starts to run through lines. To any other person, he probably looked insane, but Peter didn’t really care. He managed to get through a good chunk of the first act of Sweeney Todd before the nurse clears her throat.

“Sir, here he comes.”

Peter jumps up as Tony comes through the double doors. He looks tired but happy. He brightens instantly when he sees Peter.

“Peter! I’m so sorry about being late. I had a surgery and I’m going to change now-”

Peter smiles.

“Don’t apologize. I don’t mind waiting. Go, a few more minutes won’t kill me.”

Tony gives him a grateful smile.

“I’ll make this up to you.”

‘Don’t worry about it. Go.” Peter shoos him.

  Tony quickly changes into the suit he had brought from home during his lunch break. He forwent the tie, settling on the button up and jacket, in which he only buttoned the middle. He runs a brush through his hair but it wasn’t wanting to corruprate.

“Well don’t you look dashing?” Stephen says behind him.

Tony turns, smirking a little. “I always look dashing, what are you talking about?”

Stephen rolls his eyes. “Ever heard of a hairbrush?”

“Hey maybe Peter likes the messy look.”

“Well maybe. He is going out with you.” Stephen teases and laughs. “Have fun tonight and try not corrupt him too much.”

“Who me?” Tony asked innocently. “I’m a good egg.”

“We will see. Now go on. He’s waiting for you.”

“Alright. See you tomorrow and let me know if something happens with Aaron?”

“I will. Now go.”

Tony smirks and winks before pushing out of the locker room. The look on Peter’s face was priceless. His honey eyes widen and his mouth drops open. Tony laughs a little.

“See something you like?”

“I see a lot of what I like.”Peter blurts then blushes deeply.

 Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. What the hell did he have to open his big mouth? Peter wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

“So do I.” Tony smiles offers his hand. “Shall we?”

“Oh. I..I drove.”

“That’s okay. I’ll bring you back here after dinner.”

Peter feels his ears go pink and he takes Tony’s outstretched hand. Tony takes him out to a deep red convertible. It probably cost more than Peter’s car and wardrobe together. He was pulled from his thoughts by Tony opening the door.

“It doesn’t bite. I promise.”

Peter laughs despite himself and gets in. “Sorry. It’s just...really nice.”

“Don’t let that intimidate or or make you feel like you have to try and impress me. Just be yourself.” Tony looks over with an unreadable expression. “For tonight I’m just a guy and so are you. No internationally known brain surgeon or famous Broadway performer. Tonight we can just be Tony and Peter.”

Peter felt himself relax and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Yes. That sounds amazing. I’d love that.”

Dinner was amazing. They went to an Italian place where Tony knew the chef. The conversation wasn’t forced, it felt natural and Peter loved it. But all to soon it came to an end.

“Can we take the long way back?” Peter asked before he could stop himself. “I just...don’t want tonight to be over yet.”

Tony looks over and smiled. The lights of the city made the older man’s eyes shine and made his skin glow. He looked almost angelic. Peter felt entranced.

“Sure thing. I happen to enjoy being in your company.”

They drove around for about a half an hour before they ended up back at the hospital. Peter felt like he was floating. He looks up as his door was opened and Tony offered his hand again. Peter takes it and stands. Their chests were almost touching now. Peter closes his eyes and closes the gap, on a whim. Then he jerked back, hitting his head on the edge of the windshield. Tony tried-and failed- to hide the smile on his face.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to and-”

“You didn’t mean to kiss me?” Tony was still smiling.

“Well, no. Unless...You liked it?”

Tony just chuckles and kisses him, likely to stop his babbling.

“Call me tomorrow after your audition and we can go celebrate.”

“You don’t even know if I’ll get the part.”

“But I do have a feeling.”

“Alright, I’ll have to trust you then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Good night Peter.”

“Good night Tony.”