#I decided early last year I needed to care about myself and so I've been getting very belated diagnoses

[aesfocus]

final EDS test is done, I won't get results for a while but OFC I got results via the app almost instantly which is basically; everything is normal just two points on my heart that need monitoring for regurgitation, but the cardiologist will decide if that's yearly or every five years.

One more week till physical therapy starts, I'm excited to not constantly be self injuring when I work out! Which means I'll actually be able to consistently work-out.

[changetyre]

How long? II Lando Norris X Reader ⓈⒾ

SUMMARY: Finding your soulmate doesn't always include a happy ending.

WARNINGS: Angst Angst Angst with a sprinkle of fluff. Sickness, death.

A/N: This is a story I wrote a while ago for Wattpad and which I always loved but reading it back now there's been things I've wanted to adjust which is what I chose to do here ;)

Lando POV II 

"Tell me about her," she asked me passing me back our photo. 

I looked at it, my thumb grazing over her in the picture I kept in my wallet.

_____

Y/N POV II 

Lando and I've been together ever since I can remember. We met when we were only toddlers and became inseparable ever since. We both knew in our hearts how much we meant to each other, we knew that we couldn't live without each other. However, another part of us, and everyone around us, told us there would come a point where we'd meet other people.

And we did meet other people, in fact when I went to college and Lando joined F1 we both decided to try to date others and it was the most miserable time in both our lives. Which only reinforced our feelings, we were irrevocably in love.

We were aware that we were a very cheesy couple, the kind of people who just didn't care when people were around us and loved to show our love for one another no matter the time and/or place. We were the kind of couple to gift each other little things and have dinner dates every week. Land never failed to bring me flowers every weekend since we started dating.

Life felt like a dream when we were around each other, we literally felt like we were in the clouds, floating in our own bubble of love. But it didn't take long before it burst. 

Given the amount of time Lando and I had spent together we had discussed anything you could possibly imagine and despite some thinking this was a horrible and selfish thought, when Lando and I talked about losing one another, we always thought he would go first...simply because of his job.

What Lando didn't know though was that every night and every time Lando went on track I would pray, pray for his safety, pray for his health, pray that if one of us had to go...for it to be me...because I could simply not live a life without him...the single thought made me choke up. 

'Be careful what you wish for.'

One year ago I was diagnosed with Breast cancer. For some reason the news didn't come to me as much of a shock as I thought, it was like something in my mind and body had expected this, had somehow mentally prepared me for it. On the other hand, I could tell how much this devastated Lando, so much he'd set his mind on quitting F1 to care for me which I had to practically force him not to. 

We had caught it early on and I only needed a few weeks of chemotherapy. Luckily the news came at the end of Lando's season, he would be home and he wouldn't get distracted on track.

Chemo was worse than anyone had ever described to me, it felt like I'd been completely stripped away from my own body and I was miserable but I knew I had to get through it, I tried to keep a smile all the way through it, for Lando, but I knew he could see right through me and he had as many sleepless nights as I did through it all.

Finally the last week of Chemo, everything was better. Lando was certainly brighter than before although I could tell he was still worried, I could see it in his eyes. Every time I'd say I was tired, huff, breath abnormally, or complain about any sort of pain I could tell Lando's heart skipped a beat.

It annoyed me at first because he constantly hovered, but I never said anything and eventually, I understood. I knew that if I was in his shoes I'd be exactly the same and now I found myself wondering whether I'd wished for the right position to be in because even though I was in pain physically...Lando was in pain too, even more than I was...and it broke my heart to see him go through it.

Now I wanted the season to start more than ever so Lando could put his focus and worry somewhere else other than me, and even though I worried that he might have an accident because of all this distraction I knew how much he adored driving and it was what he needed. 

The start of the season went well, not as good as we expected but it was good enough and the boys still had the rest of the season left.

I was with Lando in Monaco for the race, I was so excited about having him race here in Monaco since we'd recently bought our apartment here and we hadn't been able to enjoy it because of my treatments. 

It seemed like things were finally getting back to normal, Lando and I were floating back up in the clouds again and we were finally finding our rhythm again...it was almost too good to be true. 

I was home making dinner for Lando and me, he'd texted he was almost home and I'd decided to make some food for us. The whole day I'd noticed I was particularly exhausted and I kept running out of breath doing simple things. I had just set the table when all of a sudden it felt like my lungs had disappeared.

I dropped to the ground in pain gasping with all my power for some air. I thought I was going to die right there and then all until I heard the door open.

"Y/N!" I heard Lando's panicked scream. "LOVE!"

He pulled me up and turned me towards him, I clutched my chest. "I can't breathe." I wheezed.

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" He screamed out.

And eventually, for me, everything went black.

__

I woke up on an all too familiar surface. I was in a hospital bed, all sorts of tubes and needles attached to me. I looked for Lando and saw he was outside talking to the doctor, I could see him through the window.

Lando was facing my way while the doctor's back was towards me. I could tell it was a serious conversation and as much as I tried to deny it I knew what was happening. The cancer was back...and this time it wasn't going away.

I saw the anger and pain in Lando's eyes as the doctor spoke to him, he argued. I imagined he kept asking for a solution that simply didn't exist. Lando held his tears in all until he locked eyes with me. I gave him a look letting him know it was okay, I knew and that was enough for him to break down.

The doctor simply patted his shoulder before walking away. Lando walked to the room wiping his tears away as best as he could. Once he came in I could tell he didn't know what to say.

"It's back-" he spoke in barely above a whisper. 

"I know baby." I opened my arms for him and he broke down in tears again. I cried with him, not because of my pain but because of his.

"How long?" I asked him after a few minutes.

Lando kept his head buried in my chest but I could feel him shaking his head.

"Baby how long?" I repeated the question.

His head finally rose up, his eyes were swollen and the tears just kept coming. "They're not sure, he says it could be 6 months or a week." Lando's voice broke at the last words before he buried his face in my chest once more except this time he wrapped his arms around me holding me tightly as if I could slip away at any second.

"I love you..." he wept "I'm so sorry." these last words shattered me.

"I'm sorry too...I love you." I whispered to him as I kissed the top of his head.

"Baby I'm scared-" he whispered into my chest. 

I didn't exactly know how to comfort him, I let Lando cry it out as much as he needed to while I tried to remain strong, I found myself pondering over how I felt, I wasn't scared but I was in pain, and I was so miserable for leaving Lando like this, we definitely didn't have enough time together.

___

The next morning once Lando had come back into my room with a cup of coffee I decided it was time to talk about the next step. I knew deep down Lando still wanted to push for a cure that simply didn't exist but I also knew I didn't want to spend another second stuck in these hideous grey walls.

"Baby I want to get out here," I spoke. I was prepared for a discussion.

Lando simply looked down and gave a shaky sigh. "I know...and I'll get you out." his lip quivered and I could see tears brimming up in his eyes again.

"You're not going to ask me to stay?" I needed confirmation.

Lando got up and walked over to me, he scooted me over and sat down on the bed. "The day I met you-" he took a deep breath trying to keep himself together. "I made a promise to myself that I would do everything in my power to make you happy no matter what-" a tear slipped down his cheek. "I hope you know that if it was possible I'd take your place right now because seeing you like this..." another tear fell down his cheek. "it's been hell." I placed my hand on his cheek caressing it, I was crying too. "But I know you better than anyone and I know that you're not the kind of person to go out in a hospital room and I know you want to do as much as you can before you-" he stopped himself and his breath hitched. He couldn't say it.

"You're right." I quickly said not wanting him to finish because I could tell how hard it was for him. "I want to spend every second I have left with you, with the people I love, out of here." His lip quivered again as more tears left his eyes.

"Let's go then." Lando got back up starting to pack my things.

The news spread through the F1 world fairly quickly and I was flooded with pitiful messages all over my social media. Lando's friends from work who I'd grown close to didn't know what to say when I showed up in the paddock with them for the Monaco GP. Most of them simply gave me glances that spoke a thousand words.

Carlos, Alex, George, and Charles had all been incapable of holding their tears back as they saw me, giving me a hug that only existed for these situations.

After the Monaco GP, Lando and I found ourselves going to our favorite spots within Monaco, I was tired, so tired and I could feel death inching closer every day but I held on, I held on because...I knew he wasn't ready...I wasn't ready.

One morning I woke up to find Lando had planned a whole day for us and it all started at home. I'd walked to the living room to find Lando had prepared a very scrumptious breakfast. And he'd decorated our balcony with roses and candles.

We walked to it and there Lando got down on one knee, pulling out a small black box, which he opened to reveal a ring. My hands flew up to my mouth, I had always dreamed of this day but certainly not like this.

"My dearest y/n, I've imagined this very day over a thousand times in my head and I've come up with hundreds of speeches for this very occasion but it seems none of them would work for what we're going through now." His voice broke. "You have been the first and only woman in my life I have ever loved, you have been my best friend since day one, you've been my rock, my world, my everything and I simply do not want to spend another day not being able to call you my wife...so y/n, my love will you marry me?" I could tell he sped up the last bit to hold his tears back.

"Yes." I let him slip the ring on my finger before he rose up and we engulfed each other in a deep kiss.

"Propose...check" he pretended to hold a list and checked off the first point making me laugh.

"So what's next my fiancé," I asked him.

"Well, why don't we get going and I'll show you...my fiancé." he gave me another kiss.

Lando took me shopping for a bit before he drove us both back home. I'd noticed something else had been set up and once I walked into our room I found a wedding dress hanging in our closet. I gasped admiring the dress, it was simple but beautiful.

"Pietra helped me pick it out for you, we tried getting a more over-the-top one but apparently you can't just buy dresses like that overnight." he shrugged.

"It's beautiful." you admired the dress.

"Well you better get dressed, and I'll do the same. I'm going to get dressed somewhere else and when the time comes your driver will be here." he winked.

"Wait what?" I was confused.

"Just be ready in 2 hours...I love you." he gave me a quick peck on the lips before walking out. I got dressed and ready as best as I could with the time I had left, I did a simple hairstyle, partly because I was never good at doing my hair and partly because I barely had the strength to keep my arms up for longer than 3 seconds. 

20 minutes before the 2 hours were up I heard a knock at the door. I opened it and Pietra, Alexandra, Lily, and Carmen were all standing there in matching dresses. You looked at them confused but on the brink of tears because of how beautiful they looked.  "Did I die already?" I joked, and they laughed but I could tell the thought pained them. 

"You look beautiful." P had to pat her eyes as she looked at me. I had naturally grown closest to her because of the brotherhood between Max and Lando. 

"Thank you for doing this?" I had to hold my tears back too. 

"Let's go." Alex and Lily extended their hands out for me and I took them walking out with them. We walked downstairs and Carlos was waiting in an Aston Martin DB6 Volante, that had been decorated with white flowers. 

We arrive at the beach to find it prepared for a ceremony, all of Lando's friends from the paddock and his friends from Quadrant were there, as well as both our parents. I just about started crying there and then. 

I got out of the car and Carlos stood there offering me his arm guiding me to one end of the carpet that had been rolled out. I saw Lando at the other end and tears quickly brimmed my eyes. As soon as he laid eyes on me it didn't take him half a second before he started crying too, Max Fewtrell quickly stepped in to hand him a handkerchief even though he was shedding a few tears too.

Without You by Harry Nilson started playing, and it was enough for me to let my tears run free. Carmen handed me a bouquet of roses and I began walking down the aisle, and for some reason, all my strength seemed to leave me right there and then. 

I stumbled causing everyone to try to jump forward to grab me, My mom caught me, I could see the concern and the pain in her eyes but she also understood I needed to keep going. She wrapped her arm around my waist and helped me down the aisle. 

And now it's only fair that I should let you know what you should know...I can't live, if living is without you...I can't live, I can't give anymore. 

The song reached this part just as I reached him, he wrapped his arms around me, letting his forehead rest on mine. 

"You look beautiful." he sniffled. 

I placed my hand on his cheek before placing a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Let's get married," I whispered to him. 

The ceremony was short, Lando had wanted to arrive at the vows quickly and once we did he pulled out a sheet of paper, a tear was already rolling down his cheek. 

"My best friend, my rock, my first love, my only love, my life, my world, my everything, these words don't come remotely close to describing what you are to me. I hope you know I consider myself the luckiest man on earth to have met you, to have loved you, to have cared for you, and to have married you-" he chocked up. "But although I thought it was impossible...as much as I feel the luckiest man...I feel the unluckiest too." he looked up to meet my eyes completely distraught. "It's unfair the world is taking you away from me when our love story has only just begun, all the dreams, all the plans, all the promises I have yet to fulfill to you will stay here while you will go." he gulped down, he had a knot in his throat. "I will cherish, love, and protect you for the rest of the time we have left together, I will continue bringing you flowers every weekend, I'll wake you up with kisses in the morning, I'll make you smile and laugh every day, and most importantly I will, with all my power, do my best to keep you happy." he finished. 

I leaned forward giving him a long kiss on the cheek, now it was my turn and since this was all unexpected I hadn't prepared anything but already had enough to say. 

"My Lando...you have made me the happiest woman on earth since the day I met you. You are the most loyal, hardworking, loving, fun man I have ever known and I consider myself the luckiest woman on earth to have fallen in love with you. And the luckiest woman for you will be the first, last, and only man I will ever love." Lando's lips quivered as I said those words, a sob escaping his lips. "I will forever be sorry that we didn't get more time together, that I couldn't give you what we had so long hoped for, a life, kids, to grow old together." I cleared my throat having to compose myself. "I wish there was more I could do to keep you happy in the time I have left my darling, I can't promise you much, but I promise that I will love you with every fiber of my body and soul until my last breath." I ended. 

We were pronounced husband and wife and Lando pulled me in for a long deep kiss, mixed with both our tears. 

It was the most perfect day of my life, surrounded by so much love from our families and friends, surrounded by so much happiness. Once the moon was out and the tide started rising things started getting packed up but Lando and I decided to take a walk along the beach. 

We walked in silence, simply appreciating and cherishing each other's company. Once we were nearing the end of the beach I had to speak about what was on my mind. 

"Lando." I started. 

"No." he immediately replied. 

"Baby-" I was going to keep going. 

"I know what you're going to say and you can't ask me that-" he spoke softly but I could hear the anger and hurt in his voice. 

"Lando listen to me please-" I stopped making Lando turn to me. He looked down and he was crying silent tears. "After I'm gone I need you to promise me you will keep going no matter how hard or painful it is...I want you to give your career 1000% percent like you always have...and someday whenever you're ready I want you to find someone who will make you happy, who will take care of you, who you will fall in love with and start a family with-" I spoke clearly, this was a thought I'd head since the first time I'd found out I was sick. 

"No, I can't." He replied sniffling. 

"Yes you can and you will," I assured him. 

"How will I ever love someone as I love you..." he locked eyes with me. 

"I'm not asking you to love someone as you love me. But you will learn to love again, I just want you to promise you will not shut yourself out, you need to keep going...for me." I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, with one hand I wiped the tears from under his eyes. 

He looked at me unsure and simply nodded, I knew he didn't mean it right now but it was as much reassurance as I would get from him for now. 

"I'll never find anyone like you." He spoke once we'd started walking back. 

"Maybe not, but you will find someone, there's plenty of women out there Lando, amazing, beautiful, incredibly talented women and I'm sure there's someone else for you." the mood had livened up a little bit. 

____

LANDO POV II 

The next morning I woke up...she didn't. She'd passed in her sleep, in my arms. A smile was still on her lips. I knew she was gone but I still tried to wake her, I still needed her to wake up.

I was inconsolable for months after her death, and my friends and my family had to help me back to my feet. Literally, because it was as though all my strength, all my will to live had died with her that day.

"She made me promise her that I would find someone else, that I'd fall in love again." I stifled a laugh remembering our walk at the beach. 

"She sounds like an amazing woman." She commented. She had a very genuine smile. 

"She was...I never met anyone like her." I sighed, that ache in my heart was still very present but bearable now.

_____________

Bonus A/N: 

If it serves as any consolation I cried my eyes out writing this story. . 

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for being bitter at my family for keeping their dog that doesn't like me, and for being glad when they had to get rid of the dog?

so i (adult m) live in a small 3bed/2bath home with my family: mom (f40s), dad (m40s), nana (f60s), and my sisters (f17, f12). i was homeless for a while and moved in with them in dec 2019/jan 2020. they had two dogs that they loved for a long time, both dogs had passed years before i moved in. from what i've heard, the dogs were beloved members of the family and their deaths, while expected (because of old age and health issues), were devastating.

our house is small, but i don't really have an issue with that. i spend nearly 100% of my time inside the house because of a surgery i had a while back, and i'm content to nap and watch TV and socialize with my family all day. i require a lot of care and special attention and i'm unable to hold a job (would rather not go into detail), and while occasionally my family will leave me home by myself for a few days for a vacation, this is pretty rare and i'm overall satisfied with the care they are able to provide me. i'd say my life is pretty good.

or it was.

in the last couple of years it has been increasingly obvious that my family (with the exception of my nana) miss having a dog around. they would occasionally talk about a dog up for adoption they saw online, or a friend who was having puppies and how it would be so cool to get a puppy, or looking at videos of dogs and reminiscing about their old dogs and talking about how nice it would be to get a dog. this didn't bother me in and of itself, because it had been happening for a while and they never actually followed through.

... until early last month, when they came home with a dog. this came from out of nowhere (they stopped on the way home from the shelter to buy dog supplies, like food and bowls, toys, etc). no one had told me about this or asked me what i thought, so i was surprised and confused when they brought a strange dog into the home. according to them, they are "fostering" this dog for a few months while she undergoes treatment for a health condition (after which she will be eligible for adoption), but her behavior towards me has erased any sympathy i might have felt for her.

this dog is big (she's almost certainly stronger than i am), unruly, untrained, and she does not like me. i've been avoiding her because her extreme level of energy unnerves me, but every time she sees me she growls at me and tries to lunge or snap at me like i'm the one invading her territory and not the other way around. i have voiced my fears and my strong dislike at having this dog in the house, but i don't think my family really understands what i'm saying.

after a few days, it became clear that allowing the both of us to be in the same room would lead to injury. this was further cemented after an incident where i was sitting on the couch with my mom and my sister came in from walking the dog and the dog lunged at me and i accidentally gave my mom a minor injury in my panic. so my family has decided that the best course of action, until they have time to condition her to my presence, is for me to stay in my room indefinitely.

practically, the space is big enough for me—i don't need much, and i'm not super physically active, the only thing i can't do in here that i can do in the common areas is watch tv—but it's frustrating being confined to a single room in my own home, where i've lived for years, while this dog is granted open access to the rest of the house. my family promised it would be temporary, that they just have to work on training her and correcting her behavior and getting her comfortable with me, but the longer this has dragged on the more i have been forced to accept that this is my life now.

at the end of last month, my sibling (nby20, lived with us until starting college in 2021) came down from their university town to stay with us for a few days for their birthday. during their visit, they spent some time in my room with me, hanging out and empathizing with my situation. they said some things that made me feel more validated in my discomfort over this whole situation.

the week after they went back home, the dog started acting aggressively toward my nana, especially when my nana got close to one of my sisters. it got to the point where my family had to lock her in her crate to keep her from attacking my nana, and even then she would bark and growl at my nana. so my family made the (very difficult for them) decision to stop fostering the dog and return her to the shelter. since she was returned, i have regained my access to the rest of the house.

while i am not stoked about my nana being attacked, i am relieved that the dog is gone and i am no longer a prisoner in my own home. along with this relief are feelings of bitterness—the dog acted aggressively toward me on numerous occasions, but as soon as she displayed that behavior toward my nana, they got rid of her. after the conversation with my oldest sibling, who offered an outside perspective, i have been feeling slighted and as if my comfort was a secondary concern to my family.

my parents and sisters, meanwhile, are devastated by this recent turn of events. they had all grown very attached to the dog (apparently she could be very sweet and loving when she wasn't aggressive), and they had fallen in love with her quirks and the amount of excitement she brought into the home. my parents had spent good money spoiling her with toys and treats that cannot be used now. my sisters, being younger, are especially devastated—my youngest sister has always felt things very deeply and openly, and seeing her this sad is heartbreaking. i've been trying to comfort my family as best i can, but i feel like my presence alone is just another reminder that the dog is gone.

though i acknowledge their attachment to the dog and their sadness at having to give her up, these feelings of bitterness and resentment—that her attacking me wasn't a "good enough" reason to get rid of her—remain. i am also having trouble tampering my relief and excitement at once again being allowed access to the tvs and the common areas. am i an asshole for having these feelings when my family loved this dog and are still upset at having to get rid of her?

What are these acronyms?

[yournaothings]

I have a lot of wip, more for myself that I'll probably, most likely never share. But, I was thinking of all the little fics and stories I've been writing.

Undertale, my favorite Sans is Reaper. Yet, I haven't written anything for him. I have an idea for Reaper, but it involves Geno and Goth.

Basically, reader (totally a self insert by the way 👀) is roommates with Reaper and Geno. Simply because she needed a place to stay when she met Reaper. Of course he told her to move in before asking Geno.

Geno isn't happy about this, especially since Goth is about a year old now. Reaper letting a stranger in their home was reckless, but Reaper promised that reader was safe.

Reader moves in, she doesn't own a lot of stuff, so it's easy and mostly stress free. She has a decent job, getting paid minimum wage. She buys her own food and once in a while will cook for Reaper and Geno. (This doesn't happen until after Geno warms up to her.)

Eventually, Reader agrees to babysit Goth. Here is where it gets messy. With more free time, Geno is able to do more and have more time alone (without Reaper around too, lol.) but, Goth starts loving on reader; because she sings to him a lot. So, Goth recognizes her voice and will want her.

Example; Reader wakes in the middle of the night to hear Goth crying. She goes in to check on him; after she cares for him and warms him up something to eat, she lays on the sofa in the living room while cradling him. They fall asleep there.

Geno wakes in the early morning- the sun isn't up yet. He panics and wakes Reaper. "Goth is missing!"

Reaper isn't too concerned, but he does get up and help Geno search for Goth. He could have climbed out of his crib- after all, he was an adventurous little guy.

Geno rushes into the living and sees Reader cradling a snoozing Goth, while she sleeps. He's well protected, positioned to where when he moves or tries to escape, she'll wake up.

Reaper awes, and is quick to snap a picture cause it's so cute!

Geno is /pissed/ but doesn't voice it- his face sure does show it though. Reaper is not bothered. Geno gently removes Goth from reader which startles reader awake. Geno walks away while Reaper calms the reader's worries.

Days go by, reader notices that Geno is giving her the cold shoulder and isn't allowing her to help with Goth unless Reaper has Goth.

And of course, this makes Reader upset. She goes to Reaper about it. "Is Geno angry with me?"

"of course! He's just been busy with other things-"

"Geno acts like I'm going to steal Goth, Reaper. Did I... Overstep?"

"no, of course not. Don't worry about it, I'll talk with him. He's not angry."

Reader isn't convinced, but is left to let it go for now. Until she over hears Reaper and Geno talking about the issue.

"Of course I'm angry! Goth is /my/ child! I'm the parent! She doesn't need to worry about caring for Goth."

Reaper isn't upset and only grins. "She just wanted to help. Don't be angry, just let her know when you need help-"

"I don't need it."

"....you're jealous that Goth has been wanting to spend more time with reader, aren't you?" Reaper finds this funny and tells Geno this. It makes Geno more upset but Geno eventually promises to talk to reader.

Reader hears most of the conversation and walks away. She decides maybe it's best to move out. She's causing problems with Geno and she doesn't mean to. Last thing she needs to do is split the two up.

Reader leaves for work early the next morning, Geno isn't able to speak with her until she comes home. However, it comes to a surprise when she does come home that she tells Geno that she's found a new apartment.

"I can give my next month's payment before I leave."

"Wha- why are you leaving?"

Reader is uncomfortable with confrontation and starts to get nervous and twitchy, ready to run away if needed. (And trust me, in her head, it's needed.)

"... I think I have overstayed my welcome here. So, I figured I'd find somewhere else to live."

Geno is stunned, speechless. All the while, Goth is in his arms, cooing cutely between the adults. He has no idea the stress they're feeling.

"No- reader. You haven't-" He sighs and begins to apologize for his behavior. "I'm just don't want Goth getting hurt." While it's true, he didn't tell her /everything/.

Reader is tense, but soon relaxes. "I understand being protective. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions-"

She doesn't move out. From then on, her and Geno are on better terms and Reaper is ecstatic about it.

Then begins the love interests.

I know this is pretty messy, this is kinda how I get my plots put down before writing. 😅 Anyway, if anyone is interested in seeing more of this story, let me know.

Fun fact, by the way. My intentions when beginning stories is writing for she/her but I always end up with "they". Which is weird cause I never used to write like that. But, in the end, it makes me happy cause then /everyone/ is able to enjoy. I hope, anyway.

[dean-is-love]

My thoughts on 9-1-1 and why I started watching

So, I've been seeing 9-1-1 on my dash for some years now. After the Supernatural fandom died down a bit in late 2021-2022, Eddie and Buck started showing up on my dash more and more. Frankly, I didn't really care so much, it was around the time I stopped actively blogging on tumblr.

In early 2024 I was back on tumblr occasionally, checking in with what was trending from time to time - now i'm on here almost daily again - and i saw that 9-1-1 was trending. I vaguely remembered that it was something about firefighters but didn't really pay attention to it.

Then posts started appearing on my dash about Buck coming out as bisexual in season 7, which I thought was amazing. As a bisexual person myself, I really love when there is bi representation in media, and coming out stories are really close to my heart because they helped me so much with figuring out my identity when I was younger.

I was skeptical at first because I thought it was just a one off mention kind of thing - like these things usually are - that maybe he was more of a side character.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was a multiple episode thing, that he was actually dating a man - I'll tell you my thoughts about Tommy later in this post - AND that he was one of the main characters of the show.

I knew about Buddie and knew that the fandom would probably be equally as happy and divided about this development.

Because I was procrastinating on my exams HARD and was sick of watching random youtube videos I decided to start watching 9-1-1 to get context for Buck's coming out and hopefully enjoy the show and the shipping while I was at it.

My first surprise was Buck actually being a main character. I think because of how I have usually seen people come out - or rather not come out - in other shows, I was pleasantly surprised.

It's the kind of thing where you can theorize a character being bisexual, but you know the writers are just queerbaiting/never intend to make them actually bi. Characters who are bi in these kind of drama shows are usually bi from the start, if that makes sense.

An example that comes to mind is Magnus from Shadowhunters. He was bi from the beginning, there was no big plot about him coming out - it was just a fact. There are many examples for writers never going through with it, but it's obvious that they are intentionally writing it - two examples are Dean Winchester and Stiles Stilinski.

I have no clue what was going on behind the scenes of this show and I'm not that deep in the fandom (because I don't want to get spoilers for the later seasons), but the fact that Buck didn't start out as a character that they meant to make bisexual from the start is what means the most to me.

I think the early seasons have almost no clues to his bisexuality (i'm on season 3 as i'm writing it).

There is queerbaiting with Eddie and Buck and I think that is pretty obvious from the end of season 2. I think it started in the last episode of the season, when someone was livestreaming and comments about them being cute together popped up in the chat. After that their friendship was suddently more and more in the spotlight.

Knowing now that they -partially- went through with it and actually made Buck bisexual, I don't mind it as much as I would have without knowing.

I really enjoy the representation on this show, it feels more natural to me than other shows I've seen recently.

That being said, I need to talk about Tommy.

Disclaimer he has been in maybe 3 episodes so far so please don't crucify me if I get something wrong about him.

Piecing together information from my dash before watching the show, I had reached the conclusions that Tommy was a) a pilot b) probably a character that was newly introduced in season 7 to date Buck and then disappear forever.

The second conclusion, as sad as it is, is simply how gay characters are treated in these kinds of shows (I mean it happened to Glen in season 2).

So imagine my surprise when Tommy showed up in Chimney's flashback episode. This was honestly huge for me. And yes, he is a side character, at least for now. But I do think that two established ("straight" - the other firefighters mention Tommy's girlfriend) characters getting together is amazing.

I love that they didn't pair up Buck with someone random and instead have him date someone who is already on the show, and has been for a while.

And okay, it isn't Eddie, but if the writers have the balls to go through with Buddie, hats off to them.

But I personally think Buck+Tommy is amazing too, and I'm really excited to get to season 7 to see it all unfold. (I do have a soft spot for Tommy)

I hope that watching so many cheesy speeches about family will pay off in the end, and that I can enjoy the bi Buck storyline to its fullest once I get to it.

[iamtheoutsideworld]

Ok I have been obsessed with cyberpunk 2077 for about 5 years now and it's definitely one of my "special interests" but I did stop playing it for a while b/c the PL dlc made me very emo. And I needed a break from a game that I've played so much (while waiting for the sequel that will be a while before it's out)

But today I was talking to myself about how much I've been enjyoying another game indie game called "Being a dik" and before u judge me lol it is a AVN adult visual novel. And funny enough I did stop playing that game for a long while b/c the new seasons are still in development but for a time I was obsessed with it as well. Recently I got tired of waiting for it to be released on steam and I decided to get the Patreon version and subscribe to get two episodes early . And I have to say this game genuinely feels like it had so much love and care put into it. Like genuinely yes it's a AVN but actually has characters that have their own lives and interests it's not just about ur character getting a fuck. Which I think BaD does a lot better than most AVN . (I haven't played many after BaD b/c most don't look that interesting and $15 I'm not trying to spend on them) but anyways BaD made me feel as a player like I was "loved" and yes that may seem weird but to think an indie Dev is taking so much time to make their game more interesting than their last and listening to their audience and actually giving road map updates on the game. It genuinely makes me happy and ofc the story was already interesting but it just got ten times more interesting with the new 2 episodes and I just love it so much. And it feels weird but i appreciate so much effort the dev puts into his game especially when so so many triple A games have been such a let down recently. Yes not all triple A but it's enough to make me not trust a lot of them recently. (Yes fem presenting mfs play AVNs at least this one does🤧)

And i talked about this before but cyberpunk 2077 almost made me feel like it was made with love yes it wasn't perfect but it was still cared for very much so and the way it was constantly updated and how much cdpr listened to their audience with so many changes and updates it made me feel seen and "loved" as the audience . I doubt many ppl would ever say a game "loves them" but lately idk. These games have been feeling like a warm hug hitting all the right spots of my brain and I love them. And I think all game devs should strive to make their audience feel loved when playing their games I'd say it's what the consumer deserves loved so much u enjoy it yeah

[fox-quills]

do you have any recommendations for writing a fic? i have so many ideas but never can get pass writing even 1 paragraph of my idea. I guess maybe it’s because i have ADHD but it sucks!!! I’ve such great ideas for mha / erasermicdeku fics but never can get far. Any recommendations that helped you out? Or helped you be more productive?

Okay this is about to get long-winded because I have a LOT of thoughts on this topic. I'll drop a tl;dr at the end lol. So! First some background. I have ADHD too anon, and I'm struggling my way through life unmedicated, so I absolutely get where you're coming from. I've been writing fanfiction a long time. To give you an idea, my oldest posted fic is actually older than my current beta, so you know. Fandom ancient or whatever. But, for a long long LONG time, I really struggled with consistency. I have a list of unfinished fics behind me a mile long, because as much as I loved writing, and as much as I wanted to do it, I just couldn't seem to manage it around all that ADHD brain fog. So I wrote sporadically, only ever finished one long fic in probably twenty years, and generally felt pretty bad about myself all around. And then about a year and a half ago, I decided that I wanted to try writing consistently. Again. For the fifty bajillionth time. But I also knew everything I had ever tried didn't work, so if I wanted it to happen, I needed to do something different. So I started getting up two hours before work every weekday, and I regret to inform you that it worked beautifully. I think a large part of it is hedging your bets against ADHD brain. First thing in the morning, you're going to be more alert, and you haven't already used up all your limited thinky spoons on work or school or whatever else. You get your best, fresh morning brain! Let me give you some stats. Here's my total word count for the last five years:

I started my morning writing in June of 2023, which is probably pretty obvious. When I first started, my daily word counts weren't anything crazy, but I was making consistent, daily progress and I was super happy with it!

And here's my daily word count for the last few days:

And this is not me going crazy. Just my two hours in the morning, which is closer to an hour and a half because I gotta get up, make coffee, etc. I have a few things that helped make the transition easier. I work from home, so I can write up until the moment I gotta boot my laptop for work. My husband also happens to get up for work at the same time I get up for writing, so that helps too. But even without these things? I'd do it. If I had to drag my ass outta bed at 4am, I would, because it just works that well. I'll never go back to doing anything else. I have one other piece of advice that really helps keep me motivated, and that's to find a circle of people to talk to about your writing. Talk about your fic with your friends, join a discord server, something! I absolutely CANNOT overstate how motivating it is to have people excited for your story, people to talk to about your ideas, people who care about this silly little thing you've created. There's this idea that writing is a solitary thing, but I don't think that's true. At least, it doesn't have to be. And I don't know about you, anon, but I'll write an entire novel for one friend who wants to know how it ends. I write because I love it, but I also write because I love other people too, and I like making them happy. tl;dr - Get up early to write. Yes, I know it sucks, but it really does work. - Find someone to talk about your stories with. A friend, a beta, a fellow fan. Shared enthusiasm is a wonderful motivator. I'm not going to guarantee what works for me will work for everyone. I do strongly encourage you to give it a try though, because you never know! It took me a long time to get where I'm at. Part of that was not knowing I had ADHD till I was 30, so I was stuck fighting an invisible enemy. And then I had to learn how to work around it, which wasn't an easy thing to do. The most important thing is to be kind to yourself, and to do what you can. If you're lucky it won't take you quite as long as it took me, but if writing is something you enjoy, then you'll be able to carve out a place for it. It just might take some trial and error to get there. I believe in you ❤

[starfragment1979]

I've been working on that fanfic, the one that was supposed to be fluff-n-smut, but the more I write the more plot starts creeping in, and just a liiitle bit of conflict. I was telling my spouse about this, and they joked that I just can't stop myself from writing a well rounded story, ha.

It's also turning out to be longer than I had anticipated, because of course it is. I had four scenes in mind, and I was going to post them as separate chapters just for ease of reading, but I was also going to post the whole thing at once because I didn't think it would be that long. But I just finished chapter one last week and it's 10k words, and if each chapter plays out the same way, 40k is kind of a lot of fluff-n-smut with some bonus plot and conflict. I'll probably still post it all at once, though, once it's done.

But, oh, friends, it is going so slow. I have been struggling with health stuff since early November... I thought at first it was just election stress, but after a while I started assuming I must've somehow gotten sick with a virus. My normal, everyday symptoms for years now include things like body aches and fatigue and sore throat and congestion and shortness of breath etc etc etc, which means it's so hard to tell the difference between just another flare up and being sick with something new, so I never even thought to test for covid until it was too late. I guess it doesn't matter now.

But I have been stuck in bed all day and exhausted and in pain and either not sleeping or sleeping like the dead and having nightmares every night and my brain is so sludgy that it takes superhuman strength to wrestle words out of it. Like it takes me fifteen minutes to write a sentence and then when I reread it I realized I already used half the words in the previous paragraph which I wrote the day before. I do have random better days where writing comes a little easier, and the story itself is clear in my head, I'm just struggling to find the words to convey it. But this one is gonna need some more substantial line editing when I'm all done writing, I think.

And just to be clear, I am writing these stories for myself. Like I do absolutely love the kudos and comments and the occasional Tumblr post or whatever, and I'll admit to regularly refreshing my stats page to see if I got more hits. But if I was just in this for the accolades, I'd go find a more active fandom.

I'm writing these stories because I love the characters and the lives and the world I've created for them. But also the act of writing itself is so vital to me feeling like a human being, and especially now as I'm increasingly bedbound and can't really access visual arts or craft projects, writing is one of the only ways I can practice creativity. I have lost so much to this illness, and I don't want to lose writing and stories and art, too, even if it's a struggle, even if I'm using more energy than I can afford to do it.

I don't know how to express how vital writing and creativity is to my mental health without this whole post coming across as a pity party. Every now and then, when I'm having a bad day or a string of bad days, I'll start to think, "Maybe this should be my last story, maybe I shouldn't be doing this anymore." But I don't like to think about what my life would be like without writing, and I don't want to lose that last little shred of humanity.

And whenever I start to think I should quit, I also wind up thinking up another story I want to write, and I wind up wanting it badly enough that I decide to keep going for just one more story. And then one more. And on it goes.

I've actually got the next story I want to write fully fleshed out in my head, like scene-for-scene, a lot of the prose and dialogue clear in my mind. It'll be a one shot where Flick has a medical issue, panics about it, and CJ helps take care of him. (I know, I know... it's not my exact medical issues, but there probably is some projecting going on here, lol.) And it's all so clear in my head that I'm tempted to take a break from my current story and write that one instead, to strike while the iron is hot, because maybe it's also easier for me to write angst than it is to write sex, ha. But I also think it's probably better for me to save it for later, so that I have some future plans and something to look forward to, to use my own stories as a life raft for myself.

[detroit-grand-prix]

make you better - susie wolff x personal assistant!reader

Summary: There's nothing worse than getting sick when you live alone, far away from family. But someone unexpected steps in to take care of you.

Tags/warnings: Reader/ Y/N perspective, contains descriptions of an (unspecified) illness and references to a gun violence incident, not romantic/ship content.

Author’s note: I wrote this a while ago, right after I had COVID in early February. It was the first time I'd had a symptomatic case of it. I don't get ill often, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I had never felt more ill in my life. I was also living alone at the time, which made the entire experience especially terrifying. After that, I decided to find a roommate.

I wrote this as a way to cope with the whole thing because it was strangely more traumatic than I expected. I've shared it with a few close friends and wanted to keep it mostly to myself, but with all of the requests I've been getting for more Susie-centric fic, it felt like the right time to share it. The illness isn't explicitly named so as to not place it in a specific period of time. The sex/gender of the reader isn't specified, and it is also not romantic or shippy, and that was intentional.

Writing this brought me a lot of comfort when I needed it, so I hope you find it comforting, too.

“Okay, here you go. I have to leave,” a man says, as you swing your leg over the jump seat and slide off of the motorcycle he was giving you a ride on. 

“Be good,” he says, as you take one last look at him. He reminds you of your grandfather, for some reason. Your grandfather died years ago.

As you turn around and listen to the roar of the four-stroke engine take off, you look around at the street you are standing in the middle of. It was dark outside, like it was the middle of the night. The only lights are coming from nearby houses, and the sickly orange cast of sodium-vapor street lamps. There was something familiar about where you were standing, like you’d been there before, but it had been a while.

You turn around and notice a large building that looks eerily similar to your primary school. Without thinking, you walk up to the entrance and sit on one of the concrete benches outside the front door, and wait. You’re not sure what you’re waiting for, but you have the distinct, creeping feeling that you are either way too late, or way too early to something.

You hear the sound of a church bell, but it’s oddly distorted and distant, even though it is likely coming from the Catholic church that should only be a block away. It rings four times. That can’t be right. It can’t be that early in the day, and you think you remember those bells being a lot louder, once. 

You get up from the bench and walk to the front door, giving a cursory tug at the old brass-toned handle. The door is locked. 

“Why am I here?” you think. “What am I waiting for?” 

These questions loop over and over in your mind, causing eventual panic to build in your chest. You’re not sure why someone - your grandfather, you suppose - would have just left you here. You think about walking back home, you’re fairly certain you know the way, maybe, but there’s just fog in the distance in every direction that makes you unsure of where you really are.

Not knowing what else to do, you lay down on the concrete bench and rest your head against the red brick wall of the building. Someone should come by eventually and tell you what to do, right?

As more time passes, you don’t see another soul. You just hear the distant, occasional peal of the church bells that sound increasingly distant. You’re still not sure what to do, so you do the one thing you know that you can do, even if it won’t help. 

You bring your knees to your chest and start to cry.

But then, the scenery around you shifts. You feel someone shaking your shoulder. Their touch is gentle as it coaxes you into the elsewhere. You open your eyes to see a dimly-lit room. It looks like a bedroom, but it’s not your bedroom.

There’s a petite woman with a light blonde bob haircut standing over you. She has a concerned look in her eyes, and her voice is so soft and quiet that it takes a moment to understand what she’s saying to you through the stubborn fog of heat, sweat, and pain that are gripping your senses.

“There we are,” she says, looking relieved once you manage to narrow your focus to her face. “I brought you some water and some more medicine. I know it might hurt to swallow, but do your best.” 

She holds out a glass of water for you as she waits for you to sit up, only handing it over once she’s confident your coordination has returned enough for you to not pour it all over your lap.

“Now, hold out your hand”. 

You obey, happy to have some instruction as she deposits two red-and-white capsules onto your palm. 

You pop the pills in your mouth and go to take a drink from the glass she’s handed you, remembering why she said something about it hurting to swallow. The water hitting the back of your throat feels like a hot knife, and swallowing requires conscious action. It’s difficult. You can only manage to drink just enough to get the pills down before you can't take anymore and start to cough.

“I know,” the woman says, her voice soft and sympathetic. You continue to cough, trying in vain to make it stop. “But we have to get that fever down.”

The coughing finally ceases and you settle back on the pillows you were laying on, and things start to become clear again, even though it feels like your mind is working on a delay.

The woman standing over you is named Susie, and the bedroom you are in is a guest bedroom in her condo.

Susie is your boss. A friend too, but your boss, first and foremost. You’re ill, and she’s taking care of you.

You came to meet Susie when you got a job working for a racing team in a division called Formula E. The team was called Venturi Racing and was based in Monaco. You moved to Nice, France to commute to work. It was a long way from home - a lengthy flight’s worth of a long way from home, but it was the kind of job you’d dreamed of having someday, so you jumped at the chance, packing all of your possessions and moving halfway across the world.

Monaco seemed like an alien world at first, but you settled into your new routine and your job quickly. The team principal, your boss, a formidable, confident woman named Susie Wolff, was the one that wanted to hire you, and you quickly hit it off, developing a sort of mutual trust that you’d never had with one of your bosses before. Before long, she invited you over to her condo for dinner once in a while. You met her husband and her son. Her husband was also team principal for a racing team, albeit one in Formula 1. He was in charge of Mercedes, and they made the chassis and power unit that Venturi used in their race cars.

You worked for Venturi for two years before getting a devastating announcement at a morning meeting in the early spring. The race team was being sold to Maserati, the Italian car manufacturer. They would take over the manufacture of the car itself and the power unit - the engine - severing the team’s tie with Mercedes.

Because of Susie’s own association with Mercedes, it meant that her time as CEO (which she had been promoted to from Team Principal) of the team would be coming to an end. She was an investor in the team as well, and would be selling her stake in the team to Maserati.

You were dumbstruck. New ownership meant a lot of changes would be made. You couldn’t imagine working for another racing team, or if you would even keep your job. Rumors of redundancies and the potential for reorganizing the entire structure of the team were abound, but you carried on with your job, going to London and Seoul for the last two race weekends, trying to act as if everything was normal. 

Susie announced her departure to the public during the weekend of the London EPrix.

The team finished the season narrowly as vice-champions, with Edo, one of the team’s drivers, finishing third in the driver’s championship. It was a season worth celebrating, but it was bittersweet, because it would be the last one as Venturi.

But one day, shortly after getting back from the Seoul E-Prix, Susie called you into her office. It was filled with boxes, as she was packing up. She only had a few days left with the company.

“I have a proposal for you. It’s going to sound unusual, but I’d like you to come work for me, just for a while. I will need an assistant to help me coordinate things, since I won’t have one here any longer.” 

She had an executive assistant at Venturi that organized much of her day-to-day work with the company. It made sense that she would want the continuity of that aspect of her life, and her current assistant was already slated to stay on with Maserati. 

But, your job wasn’t even remotely related to that kind of role. As you opened your mouth to protest, she cut you off.

“I know it’s not the kind of work you do here, and I know it’s not what you moved halfway around the world to do, but it will just be for a while, maybe a few months. I have some… other activities in the pipeline, but things aren’t settled yet. I will pay you what you make here, and then some. I will take care of transferring your visa sponsorship, and take care of the rent on your flat. If you want, after your non-compete clause in your contract ends in a few months, we can see about getting you a role similar to the one you have now in Brackley, should you so desire.”

Brackley, the town in the United Kingdom where the Mercedes F1 team was based - naturally, Susie would have more than a little sway in getting you a job with the F1 team, if you wanted it. Some might see it as some sort of nepotism, given that her husband was CEO and part-owner of the team, but that was the reality of the world of Motorsport. It was all about who you knew, and Susie was a very good person to know. 

You didn’t relish the idea of living in the UK after spending two years in the practically perfect climes of the French Riviera, but… 

“I’d prefer someone I can trust, and I trust you. I know you’re organized. You do great work around here. My son likes you, and if I can save myself the process of interviewing and hiring someone brand-new, I’d like to. At least give it some consideration, won’t you?”

She gave you the kind, warm smile she always gave you, and you asked for a few days to consider it, which she agreed to. 

In the meantime, your department met with the higher-ups at Maserati, asking them questions about their vision for the direction for the team. They assured you that they wanted to change as little as possible, not wanting to deviate from the patterns that made Venturi successful, but something about them rubbed you the wrong way, and you realized that you didn’t want to stay past the transition period.

You sent Susie a message to tell her that you accepted her offer. You left Venturi right after the changeover, telling your colleagues that you were going to take a bit of a break for a while. 

Being a personal assistant wasn’t the kind of work you necessarily enjoyed, but your job with the race team made you very good with the kind of attention to detail that being Susie's assistant required. You coordinated her travel schedules and all of the associated arrangements (hotels, cars, meals, special requests), sometimes having to work with her husband Toto’s assistant on the logistics. You responded to requests for interviews and scheduled those, handled all of the other inquiries she received (of which there were a lot) and even helped make arrangements for two keynote speeches she gave at various conferences. 

You also handled the smaller, daily minutiae - various errands, making appointments, doing the shopping for the household. You traveled with her sometimes as well when she was giving speeches at conferences or going to events. In just a few months, you went on trips to Ireland, Portugal, and even the United States.

For a woman that didn’t technically have a regular job after leaving Venturi, Susie was shockingly busy. 

“You’re a lifesaver”, she told you, more than once. “I know you don’t want to do this forever, but I don’t know how I got on without you.”

Hearing things like that, in addition to the more-than-generous wage Susie paid, made the work bearable, even enjoyable at times. Plus, she was generous and kind in a way that made you feel like you were her friend and trusted confidant, and not just her employee.

By the time the new year had come and gone, you’d fallen into a comfortable routine, until you woke up one Sunday morning in January, feeling a bit odd.

It felt like the early stages of a head cold. It was minor, an occasional sniffle and watery sneeze. You convinced yourself that it wasn’t worth worrying about. The heat in your flat was running at full-tilt, after all. Maybe you needed to tell your landlord that it was time to change the dust filter. 

You rarely got sick, and it was bearable when you did, so you didn’t give much thought to it. It was your day off, so you took some over-the-counter cold medicine and went about your usual Sunday. You went to the supermarket to do your own shopping, spoke to your mother on the phone (which was sometimes challenging, just because of time zone differences), tidied up your flat, watched something on Netflix, and caught up on some reading before going to bed early. 

It was going to be another busy Monday morning. Susie was due to give a keynote speech over Zoom for some conference, and things had to be prepared for her to travel to London for some meetings for the next week, so things had to be arranged for that. You fell asleep that Sunday trying to make mental lists of all of the things that needed to be done over the next few days.

You woke up with your alarm, and immediately knew that this was more than a simple head cold. Your nose didn’t feel stuffy any more, but your throat felt like it was on fire. You had woken up in a puddle of your own sweat, and your mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. Your arms and legs ached like you’d gone to the gym, which you hadn’t in… a while.

The thought of calling in sick crossed your mind, but remembering how much work you had to do that day dissuaded you. 

Plus, you felt better after a hot shower and chewing on some cough drops while you were on the train to Monte Carlo from your flat in Nice. The brisk walk in the fresh air between the Monte Carlo train station and Susie’s condo on the eastern end of the principality helped, too. 

You could have driven your own car in less time, but you preferred to take the train and walk most days. The weather was almost always pleasant, even in the winter months, and the scenery never got old. (Plus, the tiny, narrow streets in the principality were an annoyance to drive around, and finding parking in your own neighborhood in the early evening was often a nightmare. It was easier to just take the train).

By the time you got to Susie’s building, though, you started to feel bad again. You felt strangely winded, and your limbs felt heavy and achy again. You had gotten plenty of sleep the night before, so you weren’t sure why you were so exhausted. A seasonal cold or allergies had never made you feel this way before.

The building’s concierge greeted you on your way across the lobby, and asked you if you were okay. You waved him off, insisting that your windedness was just from the cold breeze. You stood by the elevator for a moment to catch your breath before getting on and pressing the number for the Wolff’s floor, concerned by how hot and sweaty you felt, especially given that it was chilly outside that morning. 

You fumbled with the key to their front door for a moment. The door wasn’t unlocking, and you started to panic, knowing that neither Toto or Susie would be in at the moment. Toto would have left for his work week in Brackley last night, and Susie would be out, dropping her son, Jack, off at school. After a moment of struggling with the lock, you realized that you were trying to use the wrong key.

Feeling momentarily sheepish and glad nobody was around to witness your blunder, you unlocked the door, hanging your coat, scarf, and bag on the coat rack in the entryway. You toed off your shoes and left them by the door, before heading to Susie’s home office and starting your usual Monday morning tasks. She had set up a desk for you as well. It was small, but neatly arranged with your laptop, a whiteboard, and baskets for incoming and outgoing correspondences that the housekeeper would leave when she collected the mail. Most mornings, Susie would leave you a still-warm breakfast pastry or the coffee she knew you liked, depending on how cooperative Jack was with getting out the door for school in the morning, and you almost always arrived when Susie was taking him to school. There was nothing waiting for you on your desk this morning, not even a cup of coffee. It was fine - you had no appetite anyway. 

You were in the process of cross-checking Susie’s calendar for the day with inquiries in her email when you were seized with a painful coughing fit, wondering how the air in the condo was so dry when it was located so close to the edge of the Mediterranean. That had to be it, right? Or maybe there was just a tickle in your throat. There was no way you were actually getting sick. You got up to get yourself a glass of water and stood in the kitchen, waiting for the coughing fit to subside when you heard the condo’s door close.

“Good morning!” Susie called out from the entryway. She sounded cheerful as she talked, rounding the corner from the entrance to the kitchen. “My goodness,” she said, seeing you trying to contain your coughing . “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you said between coughs, trying to get a sip of water down. “Just a tickle in my throat, I think.”

Susie looked at you skeptically. “I don’t know… you don’t look so good. You’re flushed, and you look awfully pale,” she said as she stepped closer to you. You could feel her eyes on you. When the coughing subsided, she surprised you by reaching out to put the back of her hand against your cheek, then your forehead. You knew it was cold out, but her hand felt like ice against your skin. It startled you for a second, but felt kind of good. You were starting to feel a little warm. “And you are definitely running a fever, my goodness. Are you ill?”

“No,” you said. “I mean, not really. It’s just a cold, I think.”

Judging by the expression on her face, she definitely did not believe you. You weren’t sure you believed yourself, anymore. You hadn’t wanted to admit it, but what you had was definitely not a seasonal cold.

“Well, I’m going to take you back to your flat. You need to get some rest. And I won’t hear any arguments,” she said, knowing you were about to argue. “I will be fine for the day, and I won’t have you working while you’re sick.”

You gathered your things, and Susie gave you a ride back to your flat in Nice. It wasn’t a long drive - a half an hour at most, but you still felt bad that Susie was not only taking an hour of her day to bring you straight back home, but also that you wouldn’t be able to do your job today. You had always been a bit of a workaholic, it couldn’t be helped.

As she dropped you off at your building, she implored you not to feel bad, assuring you that she would be fine.

“If you need anything, and I mean this - please, please call me, or send me a message. I’ll come right away.”

You promised her that you would let her know if anything changed, despite not planning on bothering your boss with such things,  and trudged up the stairs to your flat. You changed out of your clothes, put on pajamas, and took some more medicine before crawling into bed and falling asleep almost immediately.

You slept peacefully for a few hours, but then, vivid nightmares started coalescing. In one instance, you dreamed of your mother dying. It seemed so real - she was hanging on to the edge of a bridge you recognized from your hometown, and you couldn’t summon the strength to lift her up by her outstretched hand. You watched as she fell into the canal below and was swept away by the current.

The dream was so vivid that you nearly started crying when you woke up. 

It was dark outside. You scrambled for your phone to check the time, confirming that you’d slept until just past midnight, somehow. 

Other sensations became obvious as you came out of sleep - the fact that you were burning hot and drenched in sweat. On the bright side, the sinus congestion had cleared up, but as a trade-off, your throat felt like it was an open wound, or like you’d swallowed a bucket of rusted thumbtacks. Your head was pounding. You couldn’t ever remember a time when you felt this ill.

You sat awake for a few hours, trying in vain to soothe your tortured throat and quell the vicious coughing and rasping. You tried gargling warm salt water, which helped temporarily. You ate some ice pops that you’d found in the back of your freezer, left there from an awful heat wave over the summer. You took some cough syrup, wincing as it burned like cheap alcohol as it went down. It just caused more coughing, making your whole body feel weak. You couldn’t do anything else other than sitting on the closed lid of your toilet with your head in your hands until it stopped.

After that episode, you ran a hot shower to try to get the steam to clear the congestion in your chest, and rinse off the sweat that was now drying grossly on your skin. It helped enough that you were able to go back to sleep for a few hours.

You woke up when you normally would have been getting up for work, but immediately knew you would not be going in today. The guilt was momentary, but you felt even worse than the night before, barely wanting to move. Just as you were about to message Susie to let her know you’d be out again, she called you, taking you a bit by surprise.

“I just called to see how you were feeling,” she said.

“Not good,” you responded, surprised at how hoarse and thin your voice was. You hadn’t talked since she dropped you off at home the day before.

“Oh, you sound awful. Well, I -” she paused for a moment. “I’ll be there in an hour. Pack whatever you need for a day or two, comfortable clothes and that.” 

She said it without preamble or explanation. “What?” you asked. “Why?”

Surely she wasn’t expecting you to work… maybe she was going to bring you to the hospital? It wasn’t that bad, was it?

“I’d like you to stay with me until you feel better. You sound absolutely wretched. I was worried about you all afternoon, being all alone when you’re ill. I know you don’t have any family in the area, and I’d hate for you to need help and not have anyone nearby to ask. I can’t make you come stay with me, of course, but I would feel a lot better if I could keep an eye on you. Please.”

It was a tempting offer, and your flat seemed a lot scarier last night when you woke up from the nightmares without having anyone else around. On the other hand, Susie was your boss, and as an adult, you weren’t her responsibility.

“I… don’t want to impose, or to get you or Jack sick,” you said, hoping that would be a reasonable enough excuse. You would find a way to manage by yourself. “Plus, you have that Zoom keynote this week and London next week-“

“Nonsense,” she said. “We have two guest bedrooms. You wouldn’t be imposing at all, and I’m doing the conference presentation from my office, anyway. And you were ahead of the curve on the prep for London, so I’m not worried. Really. Please, let me pick you up.”

She knocked down your objections one by one, and not even two hours later, you were settled into bed in one of the guest rooms of the Wolff’s condo. Susie had supplied you with some cold water and hot tea, and set up a small humidifier on the nightstand. It was shaped like an owl, so you assumed that it had come from Jack’s room. You heard a soft knock on the door and looked up to see Susie coming in. She had a tray in her hands with a steaming bowl, and something else that you couldn’t make out the shape of.

“I made you some soup,” Susie said as she set the tray down on the nightstand. “Well, I heated up a tin of it, really, but I thought you could use something to eat. And, I brought a thermometer,” she said, holding up the device. “I’m sure you still have a fever.”

She turned the thermometer on, and after it beeps a few times, holds it to your forehead. The device beeped urgently, and Susie frowned at the display.

“39.5,” she muttered. “I’ll be right back.”

It was high, higher than you were expecting. No wonder you felt so awful.

She left the guest room and returned shortly after, with a medication bottle and what looked like an ice pack, wrapped in a small tea towel.

“Here,” she said, handing you two small capsules from the bottle. “It’s paracetamol, for the fever.” 

She handed you the glass of water she’d given you earlier, and you took the pills with tentative sips. It didn’t make it hurt any less, and you groaned and winced. It was just water, but it still didn’t go down easily.

“Sorry, it hurts,” you whined, your voice barely there at that point. You settled yourself back down onto your pillow.

“It’s okay,” Susie said, quietly. She took the glass of water out of your hands and set it on the nightstand. “I know it hurts, but getting some rest will help.”

She placed the ice pack on your forehead, careful to keep it wrapped neatly in the towel, and it felt amazing on your overheated skin. 

“Getting that fever down will, too.”

Susie took your hand and gently squeezed it before she turned around to leave. “I’ll come back in and check on you in a bit. Try and get some sleep. And don’t try to yell across the house if you need something, you can send me a message, okay?”

“Okay,” you said. Or tried to. Your voice was only vestigial at that point. “Thank you, Susie.” 

“It’s my pleasure, darling. Feel better.” She patted the top of your hand as she stood up to leave. As soon as she closed and latched the bedroom door behind her, you closed your eyes and fell asleep almost immediately. 

That is how it went for two days. You lost most of your time to sleeping. You had more fever-fuelled nightmares. Susie roused you every few hours to take your temperature, to give you medication, to try to get you to drink some water or eat some soup or some ice pops. She said she was worried about you getting dehydrated, and it didn’t help that you could still hardly stand to swallow anything.

She continued to bring you ice packs for your forehead to help with your fever, extra blankets when chills wracked your body, tea with honey, and cough drops that didn’t seem to do much. She brought you clear broth that you tried to drink but the salt stung your throat too much for you to manage getting much of it down.

For the rare moments you were awake during the day while Jack was at school, she sat in a chair next to your bed and talked to you. The conversation was mostly one-sided as you still couldn’t talk much, but she was very good company, and it made you feel better that she didn’t seem to mind spending time with you, even if you were too exhausted and raspy to be a decent conversation partner. 

At one point, she brought you a plush toy that looked like some sort of alien cat with tiny wings instead of arms. 

“Jack wanted me to give this to you to keep you company.” she said. It’s the first thing that made you smile in days.

On the third day, you had an especially realistic, especially frightening nightmare. It must have been inspired by the news you’d read from the United States about a shooting at a university campus, because you dreamed about the university you used to work for before moving to France. You watched in terror as one of your old coworkers was taken down in front of you. You get shot trying to run away, and the wound you sustain to your hip burned. You swore you could feel the blood running down your leg. It all felt so real.

You bolted upright from sleep for the second time that week, opening your eyes to the darkness of the bedroom, but that time, you can’t help but cry.

Your sobbing didn’t make much noise as you still didn’t have much of a voice, but it was enough to prompt Susie to come and check on you.

You were a little embarrassed as she sat  on the edge of your mattress and gathered you into a hug, but the embarrassment was momentary. You let yourself be held as you cry into her shoulder. She rubbed your back with one hand, cradling the back of your head with the other, and told you that everything would be okay, and that you’ll be feeling better soon. She didn’t make you explain, she didn’t ask questions, she just let you lean into her and cry.

There was something in you that broke when you realized how badly you missed receiving this kind of maternal - or really, any, affection. You couldn’t really even remember the last time you’d hugged anyone. You moved halfway across the world, and while you don’t regret it, it feels awfully lonely at times. You don’t get home to see your family much, and your mother certainly couldn’t drop everything to fly halfway across the world to come and take care of you. 

It meant a lot that Susie is there for you, even though she didn’t have to be. She’s your boss, but she cares enough for you to look after you when you need it. The realization made you cry even harder.

You’re so thankful she insisted on you staying with her, because you’re weren’t sure how you would have managed to weather your illness, whatever it was, by yourself.

She calmed you down enough for you to go back to sleep, and, by some miracle, your fever broke by the next morning.

Within a day, your throat started to hurt less. Your voice came back, though it was thin and airy. Your appetite came back, and you started feeling human again. 

Satisfied with the progress of your convalescence, Susie brought you back to your flat after four days in her guest bedroom.

“Don’t even think about coming back to work until next week,” she said, as she parked her car in front of your flat. "I want you to be at one-hundred percent. We've got a lot of work to do, but I'll be fine until you're better."

You smiled, and thanked her for her kindness before you watched her pull her car away, keeping your eyes on it until it disappeared around a corner. Just telling her thank you didn’t feel like enough, but you’re not sure there is a way to thank her that would have felt like enough. 

[songforeddiemunson]

PSA

I've thought long and hard about whether I should post about this, and I decided I should, if only to help raise awareness. Now that it's been a year, I think I'm ready.

Last year, on Easter Sunday of all days, I found a lump in my right knocker. I won't bore you with the details or the diagnostic hell that I went through (that my cat died in the middle off, fucking hell), but long story short, I was diagnosed with ER+ HER- Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, the most common form of breast cancer.

I had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy on May 1 of last year, and completed a course of prophylactic radiation and am now taking an estrogen blocker called Tamoxifen to reduce the odds of recurrence, which for me, is fortunately very low (around 4% I'm told). Since completing treatment I've struggled a lot with anxiety and PTSD, and have started talk therapy and a low dose of effexor to take the edge off the emotional roller coaster I'm currently dealing with. I still have sleepless nights and rough moments, but I truly am doing very well right now.

My point in posting this is NOT to get sympathy or attention; I'm honestly fine! My purpose is this: I am considered young for cancer and hadn't even had a mammogram yet. I just need all my followers and mutuals with tiddies to know that it is possible to get this at any age, even with no exceptional risk factors. I had no family history of it, I'm relatively fit, and I quit smoking several years ago.

Did you know that 25% of all BC diagnoses are in people under 50?! I sure as hell didn't.

I got lucky. I caught it super early because I check myself regularly. In the shower, while I'm on the couch watching TV, or whenever. Different angles is key. I'm constantly feeling myself up. And I felt something that immediately felt wrong. I wasn't sure I would ever know if something was there, with all the lumps and bumps already present in there, but I knew. It felt hard, like a little stone.

So, I got it taken care of, and now I'm good! But If I can help even one person catch something early, then that would be a wonderful thing.

I truly am fine so I don't want anyone to worry. I posted this to my fandom blog simply because I have a LOT more followers here than on my boring main, and I'd like as many people to see this as possible. I know I'm not the only one in the fandom who has gone through this, so if you're out there and you want to chat, I'm here.

I'm happy to answer any questions you may have; my ask box is always open! Love you all! xx

[theic-manic]

Hi, so this is going to be a bit of a long ask, and if you don't think you can answer that's absolutely fine, I would appreciate even being redirected to something/someone else.

I've always felt somewhat drawn to hellenism in the last three, two years. I was brought up christian but I never believed in that god, like absolute certainty. I was atheist for most of my life, but I couldn't find it in myself to be that completely skeptic if hellenism when I found out about it. Recently I felt particularly drawn to Apollo, like he outright popped into my head, so I decided to try for real this time, and called out to him, I study the ancient classics and I knew a decent bit about hellenism from my own research, but I went to look into Apollo more and SO much just aligned with my life right now.

We had this one day of blinding sun immediately after, and I was so happy since I felt that was an answer, I go to school very early so I saw the sun rise and in the evening I went out to thank Apollo for the day when the sun was going down.

What scares me is that since I've called out to Apollo, I've been tired, and it's not my "normal" tired. I can usually do things even if I haven't slept well in a while, but all of a sudden I'm tired all the time, from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep. I tried sleeping more, didn't fix it. I genuely haven't been able to do anything for days, including things I told Apollo I'd do for him since I can't make proper offers yet (I live with my parents atm, not a minor tho). I said sorry but idk I'm worried the reason why all my energies are suddenly gone is because I upset him or someone else, and I would be happy to ask for forgiveness but I don't even really know how to understand WHO I've upset (from my understanding Apollo isn't tied to sleeping or tiredness, i thought illness but I don't have anything) or if I've upset anyone at all, and I was hoping for some tips from someone who had a bit more experience than me...?

Thank you so much for your time and your answer if you're able to write one to me!

Hey,

Thanks for the ask.

This is completely understandable and not unheard of among many of us...

Apollo is the god of plagues and diseases (among other things), so people prayed to him to be healed of the illnesses that he sent them.

He also had a history of giving people plagues and disease out of anger so I understand how you might think you've somehow enraged a deity however unlike Christian religion, it typically takes either someone of great importance or someone to fuck up royally to manage that and I honestly doubt that you've managed either.

There's just a solid chance that you've not set appropriate boundaries with Apollo and also others within your life.

In my intense and extensive experience as his devotee, if you're not doing what's required to look after yourself (such as not establishing boundaries with other people to ensure that you're not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm) he will absolutely knock you onto your arse (make you bedridden) to force such lessons.

The good news is that you have nobody to seek forgiveness from.

You need to do the following:

- Rule out all possible mundane causes such as diet, dehydration, stress, sleep disturbances, changes in medication, seasonal changes etc.

- Start setting boundaries with others to look after yourself.

Yes, that includes close friends and family.

- Start setting boundaries with Apollo (and any deity you worship).

I once had a migraine stop in its tracks because I asked, out loud, "what the actual fuck Apollo? You can't be making me ill whenever you need my attention, this is toxic as fuck".

But yeah, do those 3 dot points, and you should be okay.

Rest, hydrate and try to ponder what lessons on self care you may be needing to learn right now while making it clear to Apollo what your limits and boundaries are regarding worship and how he connects with you.

Sincerely,

An Apollo devotee hit with a random infection and lethargy as I am being reminded of this very lesson in boundaries being an act of self care myself.

[frogmanfae]

George Karim X GN! Reader- Talented

Summary: George gets left behind and becomes overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts. That is, until a certain someone let's him know just how important he is.

A/n- I really relate to George in the aspect of always being last choice, so I really feel for him. I hope if any of you relate to this, you realize you are significant

George POV

Everyone looked around at each other as if they were deciding who to leave behind. We got commissioned to take care of a type one, a very simple case. There's no need for all four of us to go, in fact it's really a job two people can do on their own but ever since Lucy almost died going on a job with only Lockwood, he's been adamant about having at least three of us go.

"Why don't we just all go?" (Y/n) offered, though it seemed to be just a way to be nice.

"According to the house measurements the client submitted to me, it'll be crowded with just the three of you. It's a two room apartment with very little space between rooms, only about five feet wide corridor and a twenty square foot kitchen. Both rooms are about fifteen square feet. It's insensible for all four of us to go." I sigh and begin to go to the library. "Have fun, don't die."

"Wait, Georgie where are you going? We haven't decided yet." (Y/n) reaches out to grab my hand.

I pull my hand away. "As if. It's obviously me who's staying, don't act like that hasn't been decided this whole time. I'm a researcher, I've accepted that I'm only an agent when it's necessary. I'm just not as talented as you three."

"George, that's not true-" Lucy steps in.

"Go on, the sun will be setting soon." I continue to the library. "You'd best be off."

They all looked like they wanted to say something, but the setting sun was too much of a pressing matter and they all left.

(Y/n) lingered a bit after the other two. "You know, I think you underestimate yourself too much." And they were off.

I stood there for a moment, processing what they said, before going to the kitchen to get some tea and biscuits.

"Damn it..." I close the cabinet after being reminded that I finished off my preferred tea this morning and I already ate all but two of my favorite biscuits.

I start to go to the library again before stopping in my tracks mid step. On the table was a box of tea, my tea that nobody else really cared for, and a container of the biscuits I eat. Next to it there was a note written on the cloth, it was in (y/n)'s hand writing.

I noticed the cupboard was running low so I went to the store early in the morning. You really need to start putting your things on the grocery list when you start to run out, Georgie.

I smile to myself and put the kettle on. After I fixed my tea I finally went to the library and sat down in the chair opposite of the one Lockwood usually sits in.

Before Lucy came along, I'll admit I really felt something for him, so I would often sit in this chair while he spent his late nights reading magazines and worrying over bills. I've since given up on those feelings after we realized Lucy was more powerful than anyone since Marissa Fittes. I knew Lockwood would never feel the same way about a loser like me as opposed to someone like her.

But about a year after I finally let go of all my romantic interests for Lockwood, (y/n) joined our agency. It was completely on accident, we had been on a case and they were working freelance on the same one. They saved Lucy's life, then Lockwood saved their life and offered them a job and a place to stay. They share a room with Lucy just because it's the largest room in the house.

Since then I've began to develop the same feelings I once had for Lockwood but now for (y/n). I don't really know how to describe it, but I think I feel stronger feelings this time around. They're a lot nicer to me than Lockwood ever was, not that he's mean to me but he can definitely be a prick.

I sit in that chair with my thoughts, biscuits, and tea for about an hour before I go to my room and get ready for bed. I'm not planning on sleeping anytime soon but why wear pants when I can wear no pants?

I lay on top of the made bed for a while, and before I know it my head began to be filled with unwanted thoughts. Thoughts about how I'm a failure and untalented and insignificant.

I think about this a lot. I know that I mean something to the people around me, but that's really only three people. And it should be enough, but sometimes...

Well I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if they'd just be better off without me, though they would almost certainly die without me simply because nobody else researches as thoroughly. However, I think they would do just fine with the research (y/n) collects whenever they help me.

I look in the mirror across the room. I'm such a nerd. And a loser. I'm a nerdy loser. Wow. This is what I've become.

I cry for a while. I'm not entirely sure how long. It's not violent crying, but definitely messy and ugly and it lasts at least an hour.

I hate it when they leave me alone.

I hate being alone.

I hate that I never have good company by myself.

I hate myself.

I can't do this right now. I get up and just walk around the house. I go up and down the stairs probably six times, all the while tears are still falling from my eyes. I'm upstairs by my room when I hear the door open. I put on some sweatpants because I know how cold it gets after those three come home, the essence of a visitor still on them.

"Georgie! I'm back!" I hear (y/n) call from the ground floor.

I rush down the stairs. "Where are the othe- OH MY GOD YOUR ARM!"

"It's fine, Georgie I just need a band aid." They wave me off.

"Uh, no that needs to be taken care of! There's so much blood! Might I remind you your shirt was white before you left!" I go past them to grab some first aid items out of the kitchen but they stop me.

"Georgie you've been crying."

"What? No, I'm just... I'm a bit tired is all."

"No you've been crying, there are tear stains on your face." They bring their hand up to touch my cheek, wincing at the pain in their arm.

"Alright, no, you're in a lot of pain, go sit in Lockwood's library chair and I'll be right there."

I go to the kitchen and get a bowl of water and a rag, some disinfectant and cotton balls, bandages, and stitching supplies. I take it all into the library and ask (y/n) if they can roll up their sleeve.

"I think it'd be easier if I just took it off, don't you?"

I tried my hardest to conceal how flustered that made me feel and just nodded. They removed their shirt and sat in front of me in only their undershirt.

I wince at the sight of the fully exposed gash. "This is a nasty cut you've got, what happened?"

The cut was deep. So deep, in fact, I'm almost surprised I couldn't see their bone. It went up almost the whole side of their forearm and even a little bit up their pinky finger in a bit of a diagonal line. Bits of the surrounding skin were already turning a couple different colors, suggesting mild infection.

"I got distracted."

"Distracted? By what? And what exactly happened as a result?"

"It caught me off guard. It came up behind me and I jumped when it screamed. I pulled out my rapier, but it got caught on the side of my arm. It's been a couple jobs since I've properly cleaned the blade so it probably had a lot on it."

"What could have distracted you so much?" I take the rag and first use water to clean it before moving on to the disinfectant. "This might sting."

"Uh, you did."

"What?" I pressed the cotton ball in a bit too hard out of pure shock, causing them to inhale sharply, "oh! Sorry! Sorry!"

"It's alright..." They sighed. "It's okay, Georgie... I just felt bad about leaving you behind."

"What?" I set the disinfectant down and threaded the needle.

"Uh, can you finish stitching me up first? I don't much enjoy talking while I'm being sewn together."

I nod. "Right, understood."

I started stitching them up and almost began crying again at their occasional wince, I apologized probably twenty times throughout the whole process.

"Georgie, it's fine, really it's- gah-"

"Sorry! I'm sorry... Okay... All done." I took a fresh rag to clean the area, dry it, and then bandage it. "There... Better now?"

"A bit, thank you."

I clean up all the supplies and take it back to the kitchen to be properly dealt with later before returning to the library and sitting in my chair. "I'll have a look at that every day to disinfect it and eventually take the stitches out. Now, what about me distracted you?"

"Well... Why were you crying when I came home?"

"I wasn't."

"Yes you were, Georgie now out with it."

"I watched a sad movie."

"We don't have cable and our VHS player broke last week."

"Read a sad book."

"A whole book?"

"I had a lot of time to kill."

"Georgie."

"Fine. I was thinking about how you guys are all better than me and how I'm always going to be every one of your last choices. I'm not as talented as any of you and I never will be. I will always be George the researcher, never George the agent."

"Georgie..."

"It's true, don't deny it."

"I don't think that way. I never have."

"Don't lie to me, it's patronizing."

"I'm not lying. George, I'm here right now, aren't I?"

"So? Wait- where are the others?" I stand up, worried something had happened.

"They went to get something to eat."

I stepped closer to them. "Why didn't you go with them?"

"Because I'd much rather be with you."

I was silent for a moment before I sat down on the floor. (Y/n) climbed down from their chair and sat across from me.

"Why?"

"What do you mean?" They tilted their head.

"Why would you rather be with me? They're the cool ones, I'm the nerdy loser."

They giggle. Shit that's adorable... "Nerdy loser? Who's put that in your head?"

"... I suppose I did."

"Well... Did you ever think that I happen to like nerdy losers?"

I shake my head. "No..."

"Well. I do. I think the world would cease to exist without nerdy losers. And I'm ever so grateful for them. I'm ever so grateful for you most of all."

I sit there with my mouth agape. Grateful? For me?

"What's that look?" They ask me.

"What look?"

"You've got a look in your eyes like... Well I don't quite know how to describe it."

They look at me and I just look back at them. Then I kiss them. I haven't a clue what got into me but I kissed them. And I haven't a clue why but they kissed back. It was magical. It was like we'd set off a flare. I would never have another kiss like this in my life.

"Georgie..."

"... Shit. Shit I'm so- I am so sorry." I stand up. "Oh my god I am so sorry!"

"Georgie calm down." They reached up and pulled me back down to the floor. "I've wanted to do that for months."

"What? Really? With me?"

"Yes with you silly." They smile. "I really like you."

"You do?"

They nod. "I do."

"I really like you too."

"Well if that's the case, why don't we go to breakfast tomorrow? Just the two of us."

"Like a..."

"Like a date."

I nod. "That sounds incredible."

"Perfect." They lean in again just as the front door opens and we hear Lockwood laughing.

"Lockwood you really aren't that funny." Lucy says as the door closes.

"Shut up, I'm hilarious. George! (y/n)! We're back!" He calls. "Where are they?"

(Y/n) stands up and leans on the doorframe of the library. "You sound like you're in a good mood."

"What happened to your arm?" Lucy gasped.

"Did you guys not see that?" I nearly yelled, somewhat out of anger and somewhat out of shock. "It was vile!"

"It wasn't that bad-" (y/n) began but I interrupted.

"Uh, no it was bad! As the guy who disinfected, stitched up, and bandaged it, it was bad!"

"It needed stitches? How could you not tell us?" Lockwood looked at (y/n).

"Uh, no, don't pin this on them! It was you who didn't see the foot long slice in their arm! Was nobody there when it happened?"

"We had all split up in the different rooms. They came right after."

"God, what's the point of sending three agents when you split up? That's every horror movie ever!" I throw my hands around.

"Georgie, calm down. It's okay now. I tried my best to keep it hidden so it wouldn't concern anyone, and really I didn't think it was that bad."

"They still should have noticed."

"You're right, we should have." Lockwood puts his rapier in the holder. "I'm sorry, I should have been more aware. Is it alright now?"

"It'll need some time to heal, but George patched me up pretty well."

He nods. "Right, well... Good work tonight. Have you showered yet? You can have the first one."

"I have to wrap your arm in plastic first. You can't get those bandages wet." I lightly touched part of the bandage with my finger. "I'll go get some, go sit back in the library."

"Yes, Dr. Karim." They said it with a taunting voice, but it made me feel something. I've always wanted to be a doctor. Whether that be a doctor of medicine or history or science or whatever I haven't yet decided. I had almost forgotten of that dream of mine.

Lucy and Lockwood went off to their respective rooms and I came to the library with a roll of clear plastic and shut the door behind me.

I kneeled in front of them as they held out their arm and silently began wrapping. There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn't dare. They probably didn't want to talk about it. I had been taking care of them, that's why they kissed me. It was the adrenaline. They surely regret it.

"Georgie?"

"Hm?"

"Are you my boyfriend now?"

"What?"

"Are we... Are we dating? Or...?"

"Well... I don't know, are we?"

"I mean... I'd like to be, if that's what you want."

"It is what I want. I want it a lot."

They nod slowly. "So... Are we...?"

"I... I think we are..." I smile. They kiss me again. "Hey, you know what would be funny?"

"If we didn't tell the others and just saw how long it took for them to realize."

"Dear god I think I might be in love, we share a brain!" I laugh.

They get warmer and giggle. "I should go shower. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast, yeah?" They get up and start walking out of the library.

"Yeah, definitely." I wait a second until I hear them go up the stairs, then I flop flat on my back with a wide smile and laugh. I don't know why I laugh. Perhaps I'm just filled with so much joy and don't know what to do with it other than let some of it out with laughter. It's almost overwhelming. Every moment I'm waiting to wake up, but I never do. Because, despite the voices in my head, I am good enough for someone. Not just someone, but (y/n). That's mad to me.

But, mad in the best way.

[dropintomanga]

My Mother Saved Me

I got to spend some time with my mother yesterday for an early Mother's Day celebration in New York City. Before then, I was in deep thought about something that happened to me about 23 years ago. It's something I haven't really talked about and it involved my mom to a huge degree.

I was once hospitalized because of my mental health issues and if it weren't for my mom, I think my life would not be where it is right now for the better.

When I first got my diagnosis of clinical depression at the age of 17-18, I leaned into a bit too hard. Or more like I wanted to not do anything at all. One time at the first university I went to, I talked to a counselor and told them I heard voices. I mention this right now because now that I think about it, I don't think I was really hearing them. I think it was just thoughts instead of voices.

But I leaned into the "hearing voices" motif a bit too hard. In 2001, a year after my diagnosis, I tried switching colleges and still felt out of it. I felt so depressed that I decided to get voluntarily hospitalized. I don't know why I did it, but I was so worried I would kill myself. So off I went into a hospital. There I was surrounded by people much worse than me mentally. It also led to a pseudo-revelation - I don't think I really had it that bad because I was actually optimistic during my time. I eventually was discharged after about a week as my mom fought to get me out with determination.

I thanked my mom yesterday for what she did in 2001. But the story didn't end there. I found out that my mom fought hard because she personally saw what the hospital unit I was staying with was like. She saw the number of people with SMI (serious mental illness) and felt that I really shouldn't be there. My mom told me she was horrified. She even told me that the doctors above were saying I was writing stuff that I wanted to kill/hurt others when that wasn't true. My mom never believed what they said. She was worried that doctors would drug me and force me into bad treatment solutions. She said she signed a release form saying she would take full responsibility for me if things went south (spoiler alert: they didn't, even though I did have a close call).

As some of you who follow this blog know, I've been more critical about what constitutes as mental health care. I've been listening to perspectives from people with mental health conditions who get hospitalized and end up worse after. People who are supposed to help didn't/couldn't do their jobs. We got a hotline number, great. But a lot of people don't know the full truth about how broken the mental health system really is behind closed doors.

And I think about the statement "It's okay to not be okay." I dislike that statement because if that were the case, then we wouldn't be throwing a lot of the mentally ill into jails, prisons, and/or the streets. Certain mental issues (bipolar disorder/schizophrenia/psychosis/etc.) sadly are ignored.

I could have been one of those people if it weren't for my mom. I know I stressed her a lot and feel like I haven't done enough. But she has seen how much I've grown mentally over the last few years. I strongly have been questioning my own response to my circumstances decades ago as a mental illness. I don't want to pretend that ignoring trauma/vulnerability/dependency is going to make me stronger. My mom has noticed this.

I have a lot of empathy and good amount of compassion from my experiences, but I believe some of it came from my mother. I noticed how many friends she has and how she's helped various people over the years.

I know some of you have all kinds of thoughts about Mother's Day, but for me, I'm lucky to have the mother that I have. Someone who allowed me to be myself, stuck with me through my bullshit, and saved a naive version of me who didn't know that they needed to be saved.

I hope you all have someone like that in your life because even as we get older and wiser (I'll use recent events of My Hero Academia as an example), we're still all children deep inside who need maternal love of some kind to truly make us flourish. Mothers are the real heroes we truly need.

[virtie333]

Let's talk Damerey.

I ended up being a VERY general fan during the SW sequels. Like...none of the ships bother me. FinnPoe? Fine. Damerey? Fine. Kylo and whomever, sure. I guess. I just want them to live and be happy.

Anyway, when did your Damerey journey start? I think I read at one point they had thought about making Poe and Rey a thing? But I guess the visions of the differing directors didn't allow for it? Did I make that up in my head?

I understand the appeal of that ship as well as FinnPoe or whatever it's called. I mean, it's Poe, so who wouldn't be obsessed lol

Anyway, thoughts?

Also, do you like to stick to Damerey fics for Poe or do you also like xreader with Poe?

Oh, boy. This might take a while.

I can honestly say I've been Damerey a lot longer than I've been a fan of Oscar Isaac. I became Damerey right after The Force Awakens. But here's the thing, I was Reylo, too. What? Okay, let me explain. I love the 'good girl falls for bad boy' trope, but I've always been realistic about it; the bad boy can't be horrible bad and has to become good eventually. I loved the idea of Rey bringing Ben back from the Dark Side, but... what he did to his father (my first love and still the one I compare to all other crushes) is unforgivable. I knew Ben Solo would NOT have a happy ending. Therefore, Rey needed to have her happily ever after with someone else. Finn or Poe? I loved them both, but I do have a thing for pilots, so I chose Poe.

The Last Jedi only increased my interest in both ships. The connection between Rey and Ben was fascinating. But... that last scene between Rey and Poe? I remember commenting to my brother after our first viewing, "They have to be planning something between them after that! Right?"

I went into the last movie wondering which way (if either) they were going to take it. I told myself I would be happy with either, and even if Rey chose no one; after all, she doesn't need a man to make her happy. But I am a hopeless romantic. After the first argument between Poe and Rey, where I nudged my brother (who I saw all 3 movies with) and said "They're just like Han and Leia!", I had hopes.

But... they failed to continue with that bright start. And with the kiss between Ben and Rey at the end, I was pretty much resolved to settle for Reylo. And that was my focus for the first couple of month after the movie. But then something strange happened. A fellow Reylo fan, who had defended the first two movies despite all the hate going on, started bemoaning how 'Rey would never be happy now,' and she 'would never get to have babies,' etc. etc. And that pissed me off. Big Time. She had options, dammit! She could stay single and raise Force sensitive orphans. She had Finn. And of course, she had Poe. So, I wrote Rising, my first fanfic in almost 20 years.

When the pandemic hit, and I ended up working part-time, I decided I needed to continue with this post-movie world I had created. I still had a soft spot for Ben, and it shows up in my early works, but I wanted to make Rey and Poe find their happily ever after. Then something else strange happened. In one of my stories, Kennera, I wrote a scene from Poe's POV. Suddenly, I wanted to know more about the actor who portrayed him. And I found this...

That was that. I was hooked on this man. I started watching everything I could with him in it. And I continued to write Damerey, falling more and more deeply into that ship. Reylo became less and less interesting to me, and now I could care less about it. Damerey is everything to me. And it's been that way for almost three years now. I just freaking love them with everything in me.

To answer your question about the ship almost becoming canon, yes it almost did. Colin Trevorrow's script The Duel of the Fates almost became the third movie, and it included a lot more Rey/Poe interaction, even a kiss or two. Some say it's why that scene at the end of The Last Jedi was added, to introduce that attraction. But alas, it didn't happen.

If you had asked me two years ago if I had read any Poe x Reader stories, I would have scoffed at you. I am a reader of novels and I write in the same style and always will, so why would I read that? But... I've read several amazing writers that write in that style since then, and I have become addicted. I know I will never write that way, but I will enjoy others.

I think the fact that I don't write that way is the reason why no one on Tumblr (other than a few trusted friends) ever reads and shares my stuff. It's a bit lonely sometimes, but it is what it is.

Damerey forever!

Art by @greysmartwolf

[amysubmits]

Hi Amy! I just found your blog and really wanted to talk to you if you've got time but I got nervous so here's an anon. So I'm in my very early twenties and in the last few years have been really interested and taken by the idea of d/s dynamics. I don't have a boyfriend and am not really comfortable signing up to any sites so that's not really the issue. But as I'm going on dates and stuff I do find myself looking for that character that would resemble a dominant guy. I didn't realize it but I am attracted to that energy. What I'm concerned about though is the reason...for that attraction. So I'm in drama school but we can't really afford it so I have 2 part time jobs rn. One is this modeling agency that sometimes gets me by. It doest do much in my country but once a month a few hundred if im lucky, do come in handy. The issue is that the people I'm around and the environment is very toxic. Not just in a photoshoot but mainly. I've had to shut my mouth and smile and "submit" to guys just to remain part of the project. I don't feel comfortable doing more provocative stuff so that's been an issue and my manager keeps pressuring me about it at every opportunity. The relationship w him is weird he's a nice guy in general but sometimes he's too pushy. I also had a bf in the past (the only one) we were together briefly but he ordered me around a lot, and we never talked ab any of this but he was very strict with what I wore ect. What I'm trying to say is, I've had very traumatic experiences w all these people and am really worried whether the dynamic between us pushed me to want it? Like if my desires are somehow influenced by my trauma? Have you had similar concerns? How did you realize this is what you wanted and that it is not a response to something? I hope you're comfortable answering, but if not thank you for what you're doing your page has been really informative and I've learnt a lot xxxxx

Hi there!

I would be happy for you to message me if you decide you feel comfortable at any point, but anons are okay too! It's a big part of why I leave them on, for people who feel comfortable sending asks but not asking questions or whatever on DM. :)

This worry you're sharing about wondering if your desire to be a sub or be submissive comes from your trauma is something that I think a ton of subs have considered or worried about at some point. You'll definitely get a different answer to these questions if you ask other people. In my view, this is one of those areas where the 'right' answer can vary from person to person. So, this is just my take of course.

I am trying to avoid writing an extremely long post, so if you want or need me to elaborate feel free to follow up. But in a nutshell...I think most people have "little t trauma" from childhood that caused them to adapt to try to find connection and feel safe (physically or emotionally) and loved from a SUPER young age, to the point where it's challenging to know what it even would mean for a lot of us to say X is me, but Y is my trauma. Like 50% of the population has an insecure attachment style, and that primarily develops in the first year of our lives. So then we're still babies but we're already trying to change our own behavior to feel connected to our mother or our primary care giver. When that's the case...I think it's really, really tough to know who or what you would have been without the trauma as it's baked into your personality and coping methods SO early that we can't remember anything else. And so...I guess my goal has been to try to do a combination of accepting myself while also looking as honestly as I can at who/how I am now and look to change anything that I want to change or think needs improved. And with that in mind...I couldn't begin to tell you if I'd be a sub sexually or personality wise if I didn't have trauma. I just think that's an impossible question to try to figure out. Instead, I try to look at whether what I crave is healthy. If what I want to do is healthy for me, then it's okay if it IS based in trauma. I mean, plenty of things can be caused by trauma but still be really good things. For example, I feel pretty confident that the reason I seek healthy, safe feeling communication with my partner is because I grew up with lots of yelling and conflict and meanness. But I think that desire to have healthy, loving, safe communication is a good thing so I don't feel the need to reject that desire I have, as it's good, regardless of the cause being 'negative' or sad. I've come to the conclusion that D/s and BDSM can be healthy things for me. That isn't to say that I think I could do anything I wanted and call it D/s or BDSM and have it be healthy. But I think that a lot of what I desire sexually and within my relationship is healthy, and I embrace those things. And when I find myself craving something that is less healthy, I try to avoid embracing those ideas, or avoid acting out those fantasies, or resist those behaviors. For me, one thing I have to fight against is the instinct to be extremely passive. Passive feels safe to me because of my trauma, and I can sometimes incorrectly convince myself that I am being a good sub by being passive. That isn't always true, so I have to really keep an eye on any passivity and make sure that I am truly submitting from a place of desire and choice, and not from a place of it 'feeling good' because my brain is telling me that inactivity to appease others is safe and familiar. We try to regularly re-look at the things we do and ask ourselves again if all the details of how we're managing our D/s and BDSM are healthy for both of us. We try to ask if we're reinforcing healthy ideas or unhealthy ideas. Sometimes it changes over time and we have to adjust.

With you being new and young, I'd also suggest that you try to be extremely careful with what you learn about D/s and BDSM, and triple check that it's healthy. Some people will claim that literally anything done in the name of kink is healthy as long as it's consensual. I think that is a really wild viewpoint, personally. I think consent is really the absolute bare minimum, but a lot of people will consent to things that are harmful to them emotionally, and I think that is unhealthy. Of course, what is unhealthy is extremely opinion based, and I think it also can vary a lot from person to person...something could be unhealthy for me to consent to but perfectly healthy for you to consent to if we have different life experiences, different traumas, etc. At a really basic level I'd suggest looking really closely at whether D/s and BDSM make you feel good in terms of things like...confident, loved, empowered, authentic, loved, safe, secure, etc - or if it feels outright bad, or 'good' but only in the sense that feeling bad feels somewhat good to you (this is true for some with trauma), or if it makes you feel small, inferior, used, scared, insecure, etc. And then also if/when you get into a D/s relationship look at whether the things you try seem to be inspiring positive changes and growth, or negative patterns. Maybe at first you happily agree to let your dom decide whether or when to cut your hair, but over time you realize that you feel less 'yourself' when you can't control your own hairstyle fully. If that becomes the case, then in my opinion, it would be healthier to go back to deciding your own hair.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it's helpful in some way. Good luck to you, please continue to look out for yourself! It can be a scary world out there for young subs. It sounds like you're doing a good job of trying to look out for yourself though...even in wanting to figure out what your answer to the questions you sent in this ask are. So, good work. :)

[harvest-of-the-present]

hi! i am voraciously consuming info about selene and i saw ur post about associating her with creativity and that just. clicked so well. i think its a beautiful interpretation. adding another layer, most artists love drawing / get struck with inspiration at night.

i was wondering if i could hear more about ur experiences with her? what does her presence feel like, or how have u feel that ur life has changed since you've been working with her? thank you so much <3

hello! I'll gladly talk about Selene<3 It's so nice to know that that post clicked that well with you, and you also point out a really interesting fact to know related to it! I can already see this getting a bit long so I'm gonna continue under the read more, I hope this helps somehow in your search for info about her and others' experiences with her!

If I remember correctly, when I first thought about starting to research about her was because my mother told me Selene was the other name she had been thinking of giving me. And that surprised me— the name of a goddess herself, and not exactly one that is common in my country. I think she had mentioned it to me way before, and I remember using it or some variations of it as nicknames online in early years of high school. So, when I was reminded of it and I already had my pagan lenses on, it clicked in a different way.

I felt like I was slowly recognising little references of her in my life, and decided to try worship her out of admiration and respect, because those little details had been important to me in one way or another, and it just felt like the right thing to do even though I was just starting as a worshipper and felt insecure about many things, especially about time. Time has been something I've been struggling with when it comes to make space to my spiritual life in my days, but it didn't seem to bother her. She always remained patient. It was as if she knew when I would not be able to continue and that better moments for that would come.

Because I took a break from it all around two years ago. I hadn't been spending time on my religious practice almost at all and one day suddenly felt the need to do a tarot reading. To check, as if I needed to receive something. And there she was, alongside another deity that finished his work with me at the time. I knew this other deity was waving goodbye at me, but Selene's reading felt different, as if she smiled with a see you soon in her lips. It was obvious I needed a break, due to my circumstances and how I had been dealing with all of that for some time, but despite all my doubts and little dedication at the time, her reading felt comforting, as if she promised a better moment would arrive and she would be there to continue with me when that time came.

And that time was last year, when I slowly got in touch with it all again and references to her name appeared even when I researched other deities. And she felt so welcoming and nurturing. She's like a light smiling upon you, caring to the point of knowing about those you care about. In that one post about creativity I mentioned she appeared in a friend's dream, and that friend is a penpal of mine. I can see myself associating her with distance friendships and letters to people who are dear to us because of that, too. But yes, she appeared in that friend's dream and not long after a tarot reading where she told me something about connecting with people like myself, about finding people with similar interests that would understand me. And that was years ago, and that penpal is now one of my closest friends.

There's also the topic of dreams and the night. I've thought of her while being out at night alone, scared that something would happen, and I would look at the sky or the moon and feel like I had something to focus on instead of my worry, kind of as if she reassured me that things would go fine.

I'm also the kind of person who has days of randomly waking up at night because of dreams, as if I needed to wake up right after having them in order to remember them. Some of those nights happened right after I wrote a prayer to her related to dreams, and I honestly tried to talk with her to have full nights of rest again because it was happening one day after the other haha. at least that specific time, I associated that experience with her. In other times when it has happened, I pray for safe dreams and a peaceful sleep. and if I still wake up too early or during the night, I will often see the Moon shining right through my room's window. It's happened so many times that it's gotten hard to think of it as just a coincidence.

So yeah, this could be a great summary of my experience with her :D! She's also recently helped me accept the boundaries I need instead of avoiding them because I feared to be too much, and encouraged me to get a tarot deck by sending a random tarot sticker with a moon my way ! she's a patient good listener that may give the feeling that she listens more than talks, but she will make herself known when you need her or wants to encourage you on something 💜