#I couldn't get a doctor's appointment until *September*

[alren-ki]

I just did the catboxes, for the third week in a row, without having to force myself, without feeling like my body wants to collapse into parts, and the only reason I didn't do them yesterday was I didn't have cat litter.

Y'all I think what I'm doing is working, I'm getting my fucking body back.

[kotylynnemerrill]

September 13th

Lexi looked at herself in the full-length mirror, slid her hands down the cream colored shirt she had put on and let out a long sigh. The small swell mocked her as she gave it a light tap with her fingers.

She half-heartedly hoped she would feel something as she gently put pressure against the bump, but there was nothing. She was around 16 weeks according to her last appointment...still a little early.

The doctor had told her, much to her disappointment, that for first time mothers they often don't feel anything until after twenty weeks.

Lexi let her hand drop with another sigh and made her way over to the bed. She picked up the neatly folded burgundy cardigan off the foot of her bed and put it on. Her lips turned downward. Less than a second and her body felt like it was on fire, and it would only get worse when she stepped outside considering it was still warm out.

Frustrated, she took the cardigan off and tossed it onto the bed. She walked over to the mirror and checked her reflection again.

"Well...do you think we could get away with not wearing the cardigan?" Lexi asked placing her palm flat against her stomach. The shirt was flowy around the middle, but she couldn't deny it...she was showing.

"Lexi?"

Lexi's head jerked up to see Suze standing in the doorway behind her in the mirror, her wide eyes fixed on Lexi...fixed on where her hand rested. There was confusion in her eyes for a split second, but then her features shifted, her mouth forming a slight 'o'.

Lexi's own mouth was parted, words trapped on the tip of her tongue. She could feel the blood drain from her face and an unpleasant, warm tingling sensation spread down to her toes.

"Mom... I -"

"Meet me downstairs, Alexandra." There was no anger in her voice as Suze spoke, but a tension, like a rubber band pulled taught that would snap at the slightest touch.

Lexi closed her eyes as her throat started to constrict. She knew this day was coming, had mapped out every word she would say but now her throat bobbed painfully as she tried to swallow.

Suze was sitting at the dining room table when Lexi finally made her way down the stairs. Her elbows rested on the table and her hands were clasped together and pressed to her mouth.

She didn't say anything as Lexi cautiously approached, pulled out a chair opposite her and sat down.

Her mouth and throat worked against each other for a moment before she could finally form any words.

"Mom? Mom I..." She took a shuttering breath, and her head dropped forward. "I don't -"

"I knew...I knew something was wrong. I just... didn't think it was...this.". Suze let her hands fall to the table, fixing Lexi with a hard stare. " I mean, I knew you weren't going to Rue's all those times. I'm not stupid Alexandra...I mean...I...this is something I'd expect from your sister - not you. "

"I'm sorry... believe me this is not -"

"That is where you were going right...to see him? Who is he? Does he know about...". Suze motioned towards Lexis stomach. She scoffed suddenly squeezing her eyes shut. Her hands clenched into fists, unclenched, and clenched again as she controlled her breathing.

"His name is Fezco...and yes, he knows. Or will...soon."

"Wait - what do you mean?" "You have told him right? I mean Jesus Christ Alexandra..."

I wrote him...

"You wrote him?" Suze arched an eyebrow in question.

[eternal-nyx]

I started HRT!

Whew been a minute since I updated hunh? Well, it's been busy! I got approved to start testosterone HRT on September 25th, 2023.

I was surprised. I live in a bible belt, conservative, state and town. The trans health care here is.....the best word I have is mental whiplash. I started with a PCP at Medical Group A. He said he wasn't qualified for tran's or gender care and that no one in practice A was. He then said that there are rotating residents who DO the gender care and he put me on a wait list with them. I finally got to the appointment after a couple months and it was so easy. They used my chosen name and pronouns. They were respectful. Almost too respectful They tap danced around terminology to try to avoid offending me. It was......strange? Surreal? Twilight Zone? The Matrix? Either way. It felt very formal and professional and I do very much like the resident. It was just a very surreal experience.

But she was satisfied with our appointment and sent out the prescription the same day. She even tried to work with me when I voiced a desire to avoid injections if possible, but that I would take them if no other option existed. She tried hard to make the gel work, but in the end we went with the injections.

Then the next stage of trouble began. My normal pharmacy was out of the medication. It's a controlled substance in my state. So I called walmart pharmacy, but they were out of stock too. So was CVS, but at least they offered to order it if I filed it with them. I called a few other local pharmacies and FINALLY found one with the medication in stock. But everyone was closing so I had to wait until the next day to do the transfer.

I wake up the next morning and call to make the transfer, but because its a controlled substance, and I hadn't filled it before, they couldn't transfer it. My doctor would have to send it to the new pharmacy. So I made those phone calls and got that all set up. The next day it's FINALLY ready for pick up but my insurance won't cover it at this pharmacy. They run it on a discount card and get the price down to approx. $40 USD.

As a low income family we panicked briefly about how to afford the medication. We ended up having to charge it to our credit card. But we got it!

And on 9/27/2023 at noon I did my first self injection of Testosterone!

Day 1: No noticeable changes.

Day 2 9/28/2023 @8pm When I find alone time and find myself aroused, I have a daily habit to get into me and my fiance's shared toy box and do my thing. Well I did my normal thing today, and I noticed I could FEEL things with my fingers. So I did a LIL inspection and it was bigger. Not by a lot but I KNOW my anatomy, and my AFAB parts are heavily hooded and usually don't extend past the hood even when aroused. Today was different, and that is ALL I will say to anyone about my genitals. Then when all was done it was less plump, but still slightly larger than I am used to. I HAD MY FIRST ERECTION! And not only that, but I have growth!!!!!! On day fucking 2!!!! I'm gonna cry.

Also….It's itchy. And I seem to be unable to stop being aroused. Whoops.

--------------

I hope to do weekly check in's on my social media like tiktok and all of my blogs. The journey continues. Stay queer my friends.

Nyx [They/He/She]

[nokingsonlyfooles]

I Dunno What to Do

CW: I'm going to add a picture of a burn one of my healthcare providers gave me, just to express what's going on in general. I'll put everything under a cut.

Tonight, over a phone appointment (because she doesn't think I'm complicated enough to need an in-person appointment) the gynecologist flat out told me that thyroid and estrogen do not interact with each other (not true), that because I had a total hysterectomy I produce "no hormones" and when I sputtered and said I produce lots of hormones, she clarified that I produce no estrogen or progesterone (also not true), and she doesn't deal with anything other than "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness." That is not the nature of my symptoms - I am experiencing pain, and I told her that more than once, but I didn't get any traction until I started saying, "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness" like she wanted. The spouse thought I should make a point of reiterating that my symptoms are atypical, but she cut me off before I could even start.

It's really convenient that I have three doctors "working together" (ha-ha) on this, because nothing is ever any one doctor's responsibility. It's always someone else's problem. I said, "The progesterone helped my pain but increased my anxiety." She said, "Progesterone decreases anxiety." (Once again, not true. It can, but it can also make anxiety worse.) "That sounds like it could be something to do with your thyroid. Until you stabilize your thyroid, we won't know which symptoms are caused by what." I couldn't tell her that my thyroid meds have been stable since last September and the only thing that changed was the progesterone. I physically couldn't - if you cut me off enough times and keep saying things that don't make any sense, my words'll dry up like a wash in the desert - but I don't think it would've made any difference if I handed the phone to the spouse and let him explain. Not a good difference.

Then, in the end, she told me to stop increasing and decreasing my dosage trying to feel better, because it would mess with my thyroid and... I was the one who said that. I contradicted her when she said my thyroid had nothing to do with her. But when she wanted to control my behaviour, she threw it back in my face like she knew and I didn't.

I know my pain is increased and decreased by the hormones I'm taking, because I've been taking various combinations of hormones for years now. No estrogen or progesterone at all, which happened during the early days of the pandemic, caused the worst pain imaginable. I couldn't wear a shirt. I was taping my breasts and wearing sports bras two sizes too small just to keep them compressed and out of the way so nothing would touch them. I did that so much the tape cut my skin. Estrogen and progesterone lessen that pain, but I still have pain.

I've changed the way I carry my whole body and sleep because of this pain. I am always hunching to protect my stupid tits, and I don't reach across my upper body or hold things against my chest or let people hug me, even when I have a good day and they don't hurt so much. I'm that used to it. Because I'm not getting consistent care. And this tortured posture is contributing to my shoulder pain. Now that I've managed to wring estrogen AND progesterone out of this reluctant doctor ("You don't need progesterone unless you have a uterus. It'll make your breast pain worse. You might gain weight." *pointed look*) it hurts less, and I tripped over some exercises that are helping, but my shoulder has been hurting for years now too.

And that brings me back to my family doctor, who is supposed to take the lead and coordinate all these things, and who, in fact, gatekept me from a hormone specialist of any kind for over a year, and then referred me to these people who don't listen and don't seem to understand very basic things about hormones. At least, the gynecologist doesn't - or she's trying to dumb it down so much that she's not making any sense. I hold out some small hope the endocrinologist will see reason if I sit down and explain what's going on, but I won't see him again until March.

But, the very first referral I got from my family doctor was for the shoulder pain. He sent me to a chiropractor. She did multiple adjustments that made my shoulder numb, and burned my back with the TENS unit, probably by using dirty pads or failing to clean my skin before applying them.

Oh, and she didn't tell me. She sent me home, and I noticed the stabbing pain in my shoulder seemed a bit worse. When I looked in the bathroom mirror, I saw this:

I took a picture so I could show her, but I decided not to go back. I went to the family doctor and said, "That chiropractor you sent me to burned my back with the TENS unit" and the response was *crickets*. A blank look and it was back to "prescribing" me more herbs and supplements. He didn't even look at it.

I have scar tissue back there now, and nerve damage that's making it harder to address the original issue. I tried to get healthcare, I didn't ask the right questions or push back hard enough, and I got hurt even worse. Story of my life.

He's still pressuring me to take "sea kelp" because "it has trace minerals." It also has iodine. Lots of it. I told him I wasn't going to take any more iodine because the endocrinologist he sent me to told me it could shut down my thyroid. So now he's telling me to take sea kelp for trace minerals, like I couldn't possibly remember the iodine part. No, I'm not that stupid. I went along with the herbs for a while, too long, because that was the only thing he was offering me, and traditional medicine hadn't helped much at that point. No, turns out I didn't need unregulated OTC supplements, I needed to keep making a pest of myself until I got some real medicine. And I'm still doing that.

I just want to get better. It's hard enough putting in the effort to get better when I've gone through so much medical neglect and so many problems have piled up without being addressed. But I can't put all my energy into self care, or even most of it. I gotta fight my doctors, and do research, and piss them off by questioning their judgment again and again and again.

I suspect my family doctor is al the root of this. He doesn't care, and he refers me to other doctors who don't care. (Except the vision specialist, I found her myself. But the problem with her is, my eye thing is so uncommon most optometrists don't know about it. So I'm stuck with her too.) But I can't get rid of him unless I move to another city... or find another family doctor who's taking new patients, but there aren't any. And the clinics that fill prescriptions and do referrals won't treat me behind his back. I went to one. I tried. "You have a family doctor, he knows you better." No, he doesn't. And if he keeps treating me this way, he's gonna kill me. Or one of 'em is.

I've had doctors try to kill me before. One of 'em got me to take a dose of iron that would've put me in the hospital if a random pharmacist hadn't caught it and told me to stop. This here Canadian healthcare is the best I've ever gotten.

And, oh my god, that is terrifying.

I'm going to make an in-person appointment with the endocrinologist and lay it on the line for him: "This is what's happening. I'm getting contradictory treatment from three sources and my life is in danger. I don't have the authority to sort you out. If you can't take charge of this mess, no one else will." But if that doesn't work, or if he cuts me off before I even say it and goes, "I only treat thyroids" I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't like that so much of the fallout lands on my spouse. He lost someone due to this kinda neglect and I do not like hammering his trauma buttons. So I'm venting here, but I don't like doing that either. My problems are so persistent and so stupid that I sound like a scam artist or a nut. (Look, they dropped Agent Orange on my dad and didn't tell him until I was in my thirties. That's at least one big reason my body doesn't work right. I didn't even have a chance.) And he's gonna read this and get upset anyway.

But this is how I'm best able to say things, in text, and I need to say it. Maybe if I practice it here, I'll be able to explain it better to the endocrinologist. Or maybe someone'll see it and tell me some Canadian method of getting rid of an awful doctor that I'm unaware of. Other than waiting for him to get disbarred or die, ya know?

This is essentially the situation I grew up in: the people who are supposed to take care of me don't want to, but they're going to smile and say they are, and any problems I may be having are all my own fault. If I want care, I gotta steal it like Coyote grabbing fire off the gods. 'Cos I need that shit to live. But that takes so much social engineering and effort and I'm so damn tired. I'm not a Trickster or a Hero. I'm hurt. I've been hurt a long time. I ain't never gonna be "normal" but what I've managed to claw out of this broke-ass system proves that I can get better.

If they'd only let me.

[als145]

Now despite this photo, I am not smiling. Me and Emmie(my wife) recently got news about something that we never shared with y'all, at least on Tumblr. Let me back you up.

Before I tell you all the details, I have a condition known as congenital hypothyroidism, which is a form of hypothyroidism in which your thyroid doesn't produce enough hormones. You're just a baby. This condition should last only 4 or 5 years, but mine has lasted way longer! I got diagnosed when I was 2 months old and started treatment when I was 5 or 2 months old (can't remember) I started taking 50mcg synthroid when I was 2 months old then I moved to a pill medication which was called "levothyroxine" at first the pill was 135Mcg dose and I only took half a pill a day then I got to a full pill by 11 or 9 years of age which the medication was reduced to 75Mcg around 11 then by the age of 12 it got raised to 80Mcg then by the age of 13 it got raised to 88Mcg by then it got raised to 112Mcg and it's stayed this way now since I've lived with this condition my whole life I see an endocrinologist! My endocrinologist was at a specific healthcare place, which was in Greensboro. We hated the drive there but loved my doctor! But there's bad news.

On July 8th I got a message on my app that helps me keep track of my health! It was rather alarming

The message reads

(obviously, confidential stuff is blocked out)

- “Dear patients of ____ MD :

Your caregiver - _____, is leaving __ Health Medical Group. The last day she will be seeing patients is September 12th, 2024. We wish Dr. __ all the best in her future endeavors.

It is very important that you keep planned appointments and get connected with a doctor who knows you and whom you can trust. If you have a coming appointment, you will receive a call from our team to reschedule your appointment with one of our providers or we will be happy to help you select a __ health provider at a nearby practice. Our staff will work with you to ensure a seamless transition.”

This means that my Doctor sadly left because of health reasons or retirement. obviously, it's not the doctor's fault, and I'm not mad at my doctor, but it meant that all the work we had done now had to be restarted with someone at my healthcare place or somewhere different! I was a tad bit upset! Until we went to my doctor's appointment for routine shots! And we finally asked the big question, "Can we possibly get an endocrinologist in Asheboro?" The room went quiet, and the sad no escaped the doctor's mouth. Bummer! But we did find out I could still go to my healthcare place just probably find a new doctor who could support my needs!

So that was the News! It's a bummer that we couldn't get a doctor in Asheboro but it is worth it that we could now get some information to start somewhere!

[smalife1234]

Now despite this photo, I am not smiling. Me and Emmie recently got news about something that we never shared with y'all, at least on Tumblr. Let me back you up.

Before I tell you all the details, I have a condition known as congenital hypothyroidism, which is a form of hypothyroidism in which your thyroid doesn't produce enough hormones. You're just a baby. This condition should last only 4 or 5 years, but mine has lasted way longer! I got diagnosed when I was 2 months old and started treatment when I was 5 or 2 months old (can't remember) I started taking 50mcg synthroid when I was 2 months old then I moved to a pill medication which was called "levothyroxine" at first the pill was 135Mcg dose and I only took half a pill a day then I got to a full pill by 11 or 9 years of age which the medication was reduced to 75Mcg around 11 then by the age of 12 it got raised to 80Mcg then by the age of 13 it got raised to 88Mcg by then it got raised to 112Mcg and it's stayed this way now since I've lived with this condition my whole life I see an endocrinologist! My endocrinologist was at a specific healthcare place, which was in Greensboro. We hated the drive there but loved my doctor! But there's bad news.

On July 8th I got a message on my app that helps me keep track of my health! It was rather alarming

The message reads

(obviously, confidential stuff is blocked out)

- “Dear patients of ____ MD :

Your caregiver - _____, is leaving __ Health Medical Group. The last day she will be seeing patients is September 12th, 2024. We wish Dr. __ all the best in her future endeavors.

It is very important that you keep planned appointments and get connected with a doctor who knows you and whom you can trust. If you have a coming appointment, you will receive a call from our team to reschedule your appointment with one of our providers or we will be happy to help you select a __ health provider at a nearby practice. Our staff will work with you to ensure a seamless transition.”

This means that my Doctor sadly left because of health reasons or retirement. obviously, it's not the doctor's fault, and I'm not mad at my doctor, but it meant that all the work we had done now had to be restarted with someone at my healthcare place or somewhere different! I was a tad bit upset! Until we went to my doctor's appointment for routine shots! And we finally asked the big question, "Can we possibly get an endocrinologist in Asheboro?" The room went quiet, and the sad no escaped the doctor's mouth. Bummer! But we did find out I could still go to my healthcare place just probably find a new doctor who could support my needs!

So that was the News! It's a bummer that we couldn't get a doctor in Asheboro but it is worth it that we could now get some information to start somewhere!

[fruitfulchaos]

just going to rant about polish healthcare here, bear with me.

so, here's the fucking thing. i had my last actual visit at the psychiatrist in MARCH. the next one was in july or even september, not sure. i was working a 9-5 at the time and simply couldn't go - didn't even get a phone consultation, nothing, just meds refilled. my next one is scheduled AT THE END OF NOVEMBER. important info is that two weeks from now will be exactly one year since i was admitted to a psych ward. 😐 now, the doctor calculated the meds wrong and i am missing one pack's worth of meds to even GET ME to the end of november. i have called about it before and they told me that "i will get a call with a date" which, of course, did not happen. i called them today, mad as fuck, because im on my last four pills, and i need to take two per day.

i asked the receptionist about a possible teleconsultation, mentioned that i am already a patient of said doctor. i cannot stress the terror the following put me in:

"in january at the earliest"

IN JANUARY??? I'M SUPPOSED TO WAIT 3 MONTHS FOR A FUCKING PHONE CALL?????????

"You must be joking" I laugh nervously into the phone and raise my hand to my mouth. My friend is sitting in front of me by the table, she's confused. The receptionist mutters some apologies or an explanation - doesn't matter, it's all buzzing in my brain. I plead with her further about how I'm running out of meds which were supposed to last me until the end of November. I mention the extreme doses I'm on.

"I can do Tuesday for the prescription code"

"Tuesday?" I mumbled into the phone, trying to remain formal and polite. "Nothing earlier? For just a code?" A prescription code is four digits long, and my last full visit ran for no longer than 10 minutes. I tie the conversation up somehow, can't remember. I might have a date for Tuesday. I hang up and sit, with my mouth wide open for way too long to be normal, holding eye contact with my bestie who's now trying to silently figure out what happened without upsetting me. I'm, actually, factually, genuinely too stunned to speak. Some wires cross in my brain and somehow, despite the elephant doses of chemicals, tears form in my eyes. I don't cry, but something lifts, and a few of them fall while I'm just frozen like 😦. Withdrawing from 200mg of sertraline over 4 days might kill me. So now, I'm rationing the two pills I have left and try not to vomit my insides out, try to ignore the beaming pain in my skull. Tomorrow after uni I'm going straight to the psych ward unit nearest to me and forcing them to change my medication immediately. Or I Might Die. Fuck NFZ. Fuck private healthcare. Fuck the polish government for cutting funds for psychiatric healthcare. I've been waiting on a therapy date since march. I'm on the list of "patients in dire need", by the way. Had I not been working myself to the bone over the past few months, had I not decided to stay living with my abuser in order to afford finishing my degree, I wouldn't even be able to go for private healthcare, which I need to choose now. I will be eating away at my savings, so it's barely a choice now, anyway. It's not a choice when your other choice is to be metaphorically left bleeding out while waiting for an appointment. This is fucking insane. And they want to cut public funds even more, for the sake of some wanna-be capitalists. Poland is a tax heaven for corporations and it's making me go insane. How come I pay fucking taxes from my social and can't even get a fucking prescription on time, after being admitted?

[alba8688]

Love hurts

Chapter 39

Word count:2737

March 15

Dani’s pov

11 weeks pregnant ...,pregnant with Eddie's baby .

I couldn't believe it. I was scared of his reaction.

I was laying down in my bed waiting to go pick up Eddie to take him out to eat lunch .

I look to my side where the picture of the ultrasound was .I reach over to grab and it and look at it .

There was what looked like a tiny little blob that was barely a baby still forming .

"So you're the reason I can't stand food at the moment ?" I look at the tiny little blob in the ultrasound passing my finger through the picture.

Now I understand all that morning sickness I've had all those times everything smells bad to me or why I crave weird shit .

"Stomach bug ." I scoffed while still holding the ultrasound .

What is Eddie going to say ?

I hope he doesn't decide to run away from this because that would really break my heart .

How was I going to tell him ?

Hey baby, guess what, I'm pregnant !!!

I rubbed my hands on my face in frustration and got up and put the ultrasound picture in my purse then I got an idea of  how i was going to tell him .

I checked the time on my phone and it was barely 10am. Lunch didn't start till noon.

I went to Dustin's room where Nate was playing on the PlayStation.

"Baby you're ready to leave ?" I ask him

And he just nod his head yes .

He turned off the PlayStation and grab his backpack and tablet .

I grab Ozzy's leash .

Ozzy immediately woke from his nap when he heard me getting his leash.

Before leaving I said bye to my mom and in my head I was hoping she would take the news good .

I was thinking of telling her the same way I was going to tell Eddie and Wayne .

I got Nate into the car seat and buckle up

Ozzy as well we wouldn't want him falling when I stop suddenly and now we are ready to go to the mall .

——————

After getting what I wanted I secured the packages in the trunk but left Eddie's in the front seat. Hopefully he doesn't freak out ,because I know I was .

I was park outside the  school waiting for the clock to hit 12 .

I had sent Eddie a message saying I was waiting for him to take him to eat lunch. I messaged Dustin as well but he said he wanted to stay with Mike and the rest of the gang .

So that was ok because I also had a gift for Dustin .

But I will have to give it to him at home or whenever he got home that boy was never home.

But I know for sure he was going to be excited .

But what worried me the most was Eddie .

I didn't know if he was ready to have a baby Jesus Christ. He was still in High school trying to figure out his life and here I come with this news . I just hope he takes the news well .I mean I wouldn’t judge if he freaks out and wants to leave or doesn’t want to be part Of our babies lives .Yes it would

Hurt but I wouldn’t force him to stay with me .

Or maybe I should wait to tell him,but how long should I wait? I'm already 11 weeks and not showing at all .

Maybe I should wait until I'm showing and pretend I didn't know I was pregnant ,I mean I could do that .

But no, that wasn't fair for him. He deserves to go to every appointment to see his baby .

The doctor said the reason I wasn't showing nothing yet was because I needed to eat more and take vitamins because I was anemic and that wasn't good and also I was little underweight .

Fuck my life !!

I really need to start taking more care of myself now because I had to thing of the little blob growing in my belly. He or she needed to be healthy .

Before coming here I stopped at the pharmacy to get the prenatal vitamins I had to take every day throughout the pregnancy .

I wasn't really expecting this at all and more because the house wasn't going to be ready yet i was due in late September or early October .

Little baby Munson.

I checked my phone and there was still 10 minutes for lunch .

I check on  Nate but he was busy playing on his tablet and Ozzy was looking out the window with his tongue out , then I turned back to scroll through my cellphone to kill time .

But I was distracted with all the  different thoughts passing  through my head and remembering that I've been drinking a-lot lately .

What if it affects the baby ?

No,no maybe I should tell the doctor about it but she would have told me if something was wrong with the baby right ?

So that thought flew off my head but then another one came to my head .

People were gonna talk about me being pregnant with someone that is still in high school .I mean but they don’t know I’m dating anyone ?

Jesus Christ what if they find out I was dating Eddie while I was still a teacher ?

What if they say I groomed him,but I didn't? I would never do such a thing .

I love Eddie and everything that has happened between us was mutual. He didn't know I was older than him when we first  met .

Neither of us knew about my teaching job in his school .

How was I supposed to know he was my student when he was already 20 .

Jesus Christ I'm stressing myself out already ,but the thing is I  know this crazy town would talk shit Jo matter what I did .

Tap tap tap 

I got startled by Eddie tapping on my window. He had a big toothy grin  on his face. I smile back at him then he ran to the passenger side to get in .

He got in, closing the door behind him and pecking my lips, then turn to Say Hi to Nate who hadn't noticed Eddie arrived because he was too busy playing his games .

He got really excited when he saw him as well as Ozzy .

I look at Eddie who hasn't noticed the white box that was by his feet .

My heart started beating faster and faster. I think I was going to have a panic attack .

"Y-you ready ?" I ask him

He turned around to put his seatbelt on and smiled at me .

"So we're we  going M'Lady ?" He asks in his best posh accent .

"Nate wanted pasta ,so I was thinking going to Olive Garden is the only place that I know here that they sell pasta ,I mean they do have a big variety of pastas and stuff." I tell him nervously I think I was talking too fast and I could tell .

"Sweetheart, are you ok?" He ask scrunching his  nose

"Y-yeah yeah im fine im

Just hungry ."I told him and put the car in reverse driving off the parking lot of the school to Olive Garden .

When we arrived the place was full,there was  a lot of people that we knew here today .

I was nervous. I'm not going to lie but I walked in like the big girl iam  holding Eddie's hand our fingers intertwined and in his other side he was holding Nate's hand and next to Nate was Ozzy .

At the entrance someone made a big deal about Ozzy coming in the restaurant so I ask for a table that was far from people so there wouldn't be a problem I did tell them Ozzy was well trained and he behave well and that he was my son's service dog.

I felt the small box inside my purse ,I had gotten it when Eddie got out and put it in my purse.

Maybe I should give it to him before he eats .

We walk towards our table and sit down .

We scan the menu and everything here looks delicious for some reason but i'm Afraid that when it's already in my tummy everything is going to come back out and I'm not gonna like The way it's going to come out .

But fuck it im hungry and I need to be healthier for my little blob .

Should I really call my little tiny baby a blob ?

I'm an awful mother ..

I groaned a bit loud that Eddie notice .

"Is everything ok sweetheart ?" He asked me putting his menu down ,I kept mine covering my face. I couldn't look at him right now. I was too nervous and afraid I was going to blurt out that I was pregnant .

I Am planning to tell him ,I was planning on telling him today during lunch but now i'm backing out .

I wanted to abort mission but I knew I had to do it .

I took a big breath in and put my menu down. Eddie's eyes were already on me waiting for me to answer his question.

"Hi baby ." I said

Hi baby.... really Danielle he ask you a question and you answer with "Hi Baby ."

"Hi sweetheart." He smirks, "Is there something wrong ?" He asked again, grabbing my hand that was on the table, squeezing it slightly and pressing it three times .

"I-I don't know, I mean maybe we'll, I don't know ." I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose with my free hand .

"Mommy I want paghetti ." I heard Nate say "also  water and for Ozzy pasta as well ." Nate hated drinking any kind of coke he rather drink water

And he always order some food for Ozzy he knew I didn't like giving him the food we ate ,but I still bought it for him.

"Ok baby, I will order right now ." I tell

Him

"Ok momma ." And he went back to his tablet putting his headphones on ,he hated the noise and right now it was pretty loud in here or maybe it was just me and it also felt crowded .

Ozzy was laying down under the table close to Nate. He always stayed close by to him .

"How was the doctor's appointment?" Eddie ask getting me out of my thoughts

Oh shit !

"The gulp doctor's appointment?" My voice was squeaky. I don't know why ,Eddie raised a brow and made a funny face at me .

"Are you sure you're ok sweetheart ?" He looked at me with that same funny confused face .

"I'm fine , doctor told me the implant was there ." I stop and close my eyes .

Of Course the implant is there, what kind of stupid answer is that?

Is fuckikg there but it didn't do its job now they have to remove it because I'm pregnant.

Eddie raised a brow

"Well you know I have the implant in my arm to not get pregnant right ?" I tell him

"Is that why you're feeling sick ?" He ask "Is. That thing in your arm making you sick ?"

That think in my arm didn't work baby ..

"Yes and no, well the implants work 99% of the time so there's 1% of the time girls get pregnant ." I tell him ,his eyes are still on mine trying to process everything I'm telling him.

Jesus Christ why was he so slow ?

Fuck it !!I let go of his hand and grab my purse taking out the small white box and gave it to him.

"What is this ? " he ask grabbing the box.,he was about to open it when I stop him.

"Eddie, baby I love you so much and I will understand if ahh fuck just open it ." I covered my face with my hands I didn't want to see his reaction thinking it might break me .

I opened my fingers to see through them and I saw him opening the box getting the guitar pick out .

"You got me a guitar pick ?" I heard him say ,I took my hands off my face and saw he had it the other way around .

I reach over and turn it the other way where the letters were and cover my face again.

I took my hands off my face when Eddie didn't say anything .

He was frozen looking at the guitar pick and wouldn't take his eyes off of it .

I had gotten him a guitar pick that said "You're going to be a dad ."

"Eddie ." I said softly but he wouldn't answer. He was just staring at the pick, he look like a deer caught in headlights  "Baby ,there's something else under the wrapping ." I tell him

He looks at me then puts the pick down on the table and takes the wrapping off from the bottom

Of the box and takes the ultrasound out .

His eyes started to glaze and he was about to say something when the waiter arrive .

"Are you ready to order ?" He ask

"Yes please ." I said ordering before it got to late for Eddie .

After we order the food it took a few minutes for the waiter to bring it to us and when he brought our food we all ate in silence .

I think I wasn't hungry anymore but I think I was  just nervous for Eddie's reaction.

Maybe I broke him.

After we were done Eddie didn't let me pay and told me to wait for him in the car with Nate .

Driving back to school was awkward there was complete silence .

Eddie had the white box in his lap

And kept staring at the guitar pick and ultrasound .

"Eddie we are here ." I said softly I felt the tears trickling down my cheeks. I didn't mean to cry in front of him. I was being strong but it hurt that he wasn't answering .

I felt his thumb wiping away the tear in my cheek then it slid to my chin turning my face around to face him ,he leaned in, pecking my lips, staying there for a few seconds then resting his forehead on mine .

I had my eyes closed because I thought that It would stop the tears from Coming out but I was wrong they still kept coming out like a fucking water fall.

I'm glad Nate had his headphones on because I didn't want him to hear me crying .

"I'm going to be a dad ." Eddie finally said ,I opened my eyes to see his toothy smile from ear to ear .

"I'm going to be a dad!!" He says a bit louder and smiles more if that was even possible .

He opens the door to his side and gets out leaving me there then the door to my side opens and he takes my seatbelt off and helps me Out then he picks me up from my waist spinning me around .

"Eddie !!" I squeal

Was he happy I was pregnant ?

He sets me down slowly keeping his arms wrapped around my waist .

"I'm Sorry I didn't say anything but I was in shocked I -I couldn't believe it ." He stops and takes the ultrasound out and looks at it then shows it to me "we made this ?" He smiles pointing to the ultrasound .

He looked so proud of the little blob on the picture.

"Yes we did ." I giggle

Eddie opens the back door to Nate and takes his headphones off slowly and I heard him tell him

"You're going to be a big brother !!"

I chuckled while walking over to them .

"Baby I haven't told my mom yet ." I tell him

He comes back to hug me but not too tight .

"We got to tell Wayne he is going to be a grandpa!!" He says excitedly "we got to tell the everyone."

"Baby we can go after you get out of school before he leaves to work ,I actually got him a little

Gift to tell him as well for my mother and brother ."

Eddie picks up Nate and kiss his cheek making him giggle then hug me and kiss my temple .

"I love you ." He whispered ,I couldn't be happier. I don't think nothing can ruin this day.

"Miss .Henderson?" I heard the familiar voice of Miss.O'donnell

Ok maybe that could ruin it ..

Next chapter

[sparkler-sleet]

a reminder for me to look back at in three months: september 27

9:20AM

We got told on Thursday that my only living grandmother might have cancer. Called it a particularly serious case. Said she'll be referred by the end of this week. I haven't really been doing anything else since; I've perhaps overstayed my welcome at her house, but she doesn't want to be alone and I don't want her to be out of reach. Right now she feels too delicate a subject to leave and come back to, in case coming back isn't really in the question. Anyway, after the doctor left last Thursday, she asked me rather feebly if I would think about chumming her along; my father's ten percent man and ninety percent temper, and he isn't really sure what he'd say if his mother was told she was dying. I told her that of course I'll come with you. We can leave Dad in the car, I'll take you for a coffee afterwards. A little girly morning. She laughed, but I guess little girly mornings wouldn't really appeal to me if the subject of mortality was involved at the same time.

So I've been staying with her recently. Two weeks now. Usually I live with my mother and I'm beginning to really miss her. Of course, we talk, our phones are rarely disconnected. But phone calls aren't the same as blocking her bedroom doorway at night so she can't go to bed and leave me sitting on my own. My mother is my best friend, which is embarrassing now, but I'm sure will become very valuable in the future when I don't have that luxury.

We heard nothing back from the doctor yet, which is wreaking havoc on our mental healths, our day-to-days and our patience; my father and I aren't great friends right now and probably won't be until we find out that she will be okay. But perhaps the delay in contact is a blessing, for on Monday, I was invited to a job interview this Friday. Work is scarce where I live, particularly in the field of my career, and I've been unemployed since July. It's the first time in my life that I've been neither employed nor studying, and that too destroyed what was left of my basic sanity. Spring cleans have become calendar-worthy and my library has doubled in size since summer began. And, not too long before I was about to lose hope in any of my job applications, up popped a job in what looks to be the best school in town. The staff are nice, the kids are well-mannered, overtime is available and all of my specialities in teaching are what they're looking for. So it wasn't entirely unexpected when I received this email.

And this is all great, and I'm praying and wishing and crossing fingers for this job, because not only do I really need it but I really want it-I miss helping out and making children smile when they fall and scrape their knee-but I know deep down that if my Nana's hospital appointment cropped up at eleven o'clock on Friday, I'd have been there and my interview would have had to be moved.

The time away from work has given me a lot of thinking space, and I, admittedly, now feel like an entirely different person to the one who could barely see straight for anxiety in her old workplace. That person's first and only priority was work, and she run herself into the ground so badly that she couldn't even sit and form a sentence in an interview regarding extending her contract. This person, if she gets the job, will not do that. Work will be her first and only priority while she is at work, and then she will come home and her brain and her hobbies will be her first and her only priorities. Because I love helping vulnerable children, but that isn't all I am. I want to be an author, I'm amidst the first full draft of my first proper, serious novel. I have a new-found love for baking and also drawing which I never used to like and I am also trying my utmost to make some friends, which is a task I have never taken on throughout my whole life. Friends who will be proud if I get the job but will be equally as proud if I survive a rejection again.

So things are a little wish-washy. After months and months of nothing at all, no feelings or emotions or things to do, so suddenly everything has amped up. I have mountains of excitement for this interview, but I still sink so deeply into the ocean at night when it's dark and I think I might lose my grandmother. But oddly enough, nothing feels overwhelming just yet. I'm not freaking out over anything, these are just things that are happening and nothing that I can do will change either situation. I will try my best at the interview and I will hold my nana's hand while she receives her results, and the true action for me to take will be reacting and surviving both outcomes.

[nettheworldonfire]

Okay, so I did that thing again where I fell off the face of the Earth for a bit. And in full disclosure, my memory is so bad these days, I don't know what you've "missed" while I was "gone," but I'll do my best to play catch up.

In September we got Covid (after successfully avoiding it forever) and had to reschedule our DisneyLand trip. Luckily, we were able to move flights and hotels and make it work). This meant though, in October, while floating through "It's a Small World" with my family, I got the call from Dr. Soulen -- the liver specialist. Through the spotty reception and tiny multicultural voices, I was able to hear his short, expert opinion - the Lanreotide injection has been doing its job, but probably won't by this time next year. The happiest place on Earth meets impending doom convo kind of left me a bit lost. And to be honest, I'm still not sure how I feel about it, because it means we're into the next phase - and while this is a "marathon not a sprint" it also will eventually end. Despite any weird feelings the call caused, and maybe because of it? I savored the trip with my family and I'm so glad we were able to make it work, even with the Covid curve ball.

Then, in November I had jury duty that was expected to last a week, and my upcoming Gallium scan got me dismissed. The scan showed very minimal growth (as expected) and Dr. Teitelbaum again discussed me at a conference for good measure. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to get "complacent," and I appreciate her being diligent. So, in December the docs decided to continue the Lanreotide injections, at least until my next scan in April.

Later in December, I had bloodwork (as always) and a physical with my primary where I had the pleasure of learning that the injections have given me type two diabetes. I've known this was a likely side effect (along with thyroid issues), but I was hopeful I was avoiding it. Like all issues with me, a metastatic anomaly, no one wants to just form a treatment plan without me seeing 500 specialists. I made an appointment with an endocrinologist at Doylestown Hospital (that was a month out) and then was given another appointment with Penn for the same week, so I canceled my first in effort to keep my doctors in the same circle. (Joke's on me because this circle is in West Philly and a 2 hour drive apparently). Took a day off, because Charlie also had an appointment at CHOP. My mom and Olive came along, so we could make it all work. Left the house before daylight, only to get pulled over for a left turn my GPS insisted I make. (Neither my mom or I saw any sort of sign saying I couldn't). I got a $165 ticket and was late to my appointment and couldn't get the whole "new patient" treatment so I had to schedule yet ANOTHER appointment. Fast forward to today -- took a two hour drive into the city -- I took a half day since my appointment was at nine, but I was still there with the docs at 12:20 so I had to call into work to take the whole day. Had I known I wasn't going to work, I probably would have dressed for comfort at least.

Now, I've finally had my specialist appointment with Dr. Sachum and a consult with Dr. Burns. They want me to eat a low carb, high protein diet (which I completely understand except my other gastro issues from the Whipple make me feel crappy when I eat veggies and meats, so that's fun). Currently I am wearing a Libre 2 meter (which is attached to my right arm for two weeks) to monitor my blood sugar. It gives me port vibes and I don't like it. The kids, however, are intrigued and Olive fell asleep caressing my arm (as usual) making sure she was touching the device. Weirdo.

I also have to test my sugars ocasionally using the finger prick meter (One Touch). That is not fun.

Everything is Bluetooth connected. How crazy is that? And what's super cool is that since they are linked to my phone, I get notifications and alarms sound to let me know it's high (or low, or just for fun maybe?) and they tell me that I cannot disable notifications, and it's all being reported to the diabetes police. (It's legitimately going off as I write this).

This should identify my patterns of highs and lows, and when the doctors see how things are working (or not working) we will formulate a plan. I've started Metformin (which they expect will cause me GI discomfort, but what's new) and they intend to slowly increase the dose over the next month or so. They may add another med if this doesn't do the trick alone. If cancer doesn't kill my liver, I'm pretty sure the 98 medications will.

So, I'm feeling annoyed and somewhat defeated by this all, which I'm sure is normal, but it's hard to keep up with life when I feel tired, nauseous, and generally down all the time. I'm working on the mental health stuff (new therapist) and hope to start feeling more like me again soon. I know there are people who have to deal with diabetes their whole life -- and I can certainly suck it up and deal with it as long as I have to. Hopefully, when the Lanreotide isn't working anymore and we move onto a new treatment, the effects of it will also go away and I won't need any of this crap. We shall see.

I plan to meet with Owen's aunt Monica, who is a nutritionist, and perhaps get some tips. Happy to accept any good recipes or ideas for school lunch (or coffee replacement options since I don't enjoy black coffee and can't justify wasting my carb intake on sugar).

Friday, I have my 36th injection - it's been about three years. It's insane. Let me say a hallelujah for that being an in-home visit. I couldn't handle going to Penn every month. My next scan is April, then a telehealth visit with Dr. Teitelbaum. May is the follow up with Dr. Sachum and then I hope any other appointments can be virtual because my PTO is being annihilated. Til next time!

[ms-demeanor]

Hey you obviously don't have to answer this, it's non of my business, but I'm curious. Is not living with your MIL an option for you, or are you stuck with her for the foreseeable future because one party has nowhere to go or something? Because she sounds like a NIGHTMARE.

Deep breath: So in 2018 we were living with my In-Laws because we were helping to care for Large Bastard's dad, who had cancer. In September of 2018 my mom died, and then in October of 2018 his dad died. And then in January of 2019 Large Bastard lost his job. And then in February of 2019 Large Bastard had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass and we stayed with his mom, because obviously we hadn't had time to look around for apartments or other jobs and he needed to recover. In July of 2019 (so four months after a quadruple bypass I love this absolutely insane asshole what the fuck) he was applying for work all over the Southwest and he helped his brother move to NorCal as a stop on a series of interviews he was doing in Colorado and Utah. In October of 2019 he got hired by a company in Las Vegas and he moved there in November and started renting a house from his cousin. I was supposed to follow in February and then covid hit so I was living with MiL and visiting Large Bastard and taking stuff to the house then I was there for a visit/moving weekend in May and when I showed up he was like "oh good, I think I need to go to the hospital!" and he went to the hospital with what we now know was worsening heart failure so he ended up spending may and june of 2020 in the hospital and I had sort of accidentally moved because I thought that was just going to be a long weekend trip so all I had was my remote work setup (glad I didn't quit my job in november, let me tell you!) and about a third of my clothes, I didn't even have my dog. So in July of 2019 I went back and got the dog and the rest of the stuff because Large Bastard was finally stable enough to be left alone for a whole night, and during that same month my dad moved to texas with my sister and started renting his house in LA to my cousin (this comes up later) and for a while stuff was pretty cool and, sure, his boss was an even bigger asshole than my boss and sure the country was basically on fucking fire but it seemed like he was not actively dying and we weren't living with his mom so you take what you can get, you know? Then he lost his job in September and his boss had never started his health insurance in Vegas but also Large Bastard had never cancelled his health insurance from California so when he was supposed to have follow-up appointments he couldn't get it covered - he could get ER care but not other care - so also in September he drove back to LA to see his cardiologists and stuff and was there for about a week before he was hospitalized again and told me not to come, to stay in Vegas, and there was a bunch of back and forth and basically we decided "you say in LA until you've worked with your doctors to get more stable, I'll stay in Vegas and keep things going with the house, when you're better you can come back to Vegas and find a different job" and then in December he ended up hospitalized again and they diagnosed him with cirrhosis and I decided I was going to come stay with him until he started to get a bit more stable but keep renting the house so I showed up in late December and went back to Vegas for a week at a time in January and February and then in mid February he had a consultation with a transplant center and they hospitalized him that day and he got put on the transplant list and then got put on life support and it became pretty fucking clear that we weren't going back to vegas (because he needs to stay within a certain distance of the transplant center for a pretty long time after the transplant) so I rent a storage unit in LA and start moving back everything from Vegas and then after only a month on the transplant list HOLY SHIT he gets a match and has a heart and a liver transplanted and I'm coming to see him every night after work and then making two trips to vegas each weekend to load our truck up with stuff and there's some pressure from his cousins because they want to sell the house so I manage to get stuff out by april 21st and the house is sold on april 23rd holy shit that was fast and he's still in the hospital recovering until

May, and then is re-hospitalized in June, and then is re-hospitalized in July and now it is October and he has not been hospitalized or needed to use a walker or a wheelchair in months but he still has really frequent appointments at the hospital in LA and the dude he used to work for in LA has a contract job that he takes and so we have to get our garage set up as a workshop for him because he's been evicted from the shop that he had that he hadn't been in since July of 2019 because he was too sick but that I couldn't break down and start moving by myself and in September he's finally feeling well enough to start moving that stuff and I'm clearing out shed space at my dad's house and working on cramming even more stuff into our storage unit and that brings us to now and

Basically we have to stay in southern california in order to stay close to the transplant center for at least a couple years after the surgery; if my cousin wasn't renting my dad's house I'd be renting my dad's house so at the moment the plan is to stay with MiL until my cousin puts an offer on a house of her own (and who the hell knows when that's going to happen but my dad is renting it to her at way under market so that she can save for a down payment but this is also weird because I'm the pariah child in my family so if he rents it to me it's at a much higher price but fuck, she's got two little kids and she's an elementary school teacher so it's not like I'm going to begrudge her inexpensive housing) so because at the moment I do not make enough money to afford both the cost of a 1-bedroom dog-friendly apartment within reasonable driving distance of the hospital AND the cost of the storage unit we're staying with my mother in law until either A) we can afford to rent something with a garage that Large Bastard can use as shop space and so that we can also dump the storage unit or B) my cousin buys a house or C) My mother in law dies, at which point the house we're living in becomes a fight between large bastard and his brother depending on who MiL has written out of the will this month.

So, realistically, everything in my life has been bugfuck insane since approximately August of 2018 and that (tentatively) seems to be slightly improving but we are unfortunately geographically locked into a location that we can't afford without the help of family unless Large Bastard is healthy and stable enough to get a job with a more predictable paycheck but that looks like it might be happening so we'll see?

but also oh my god i miss my vegas house and not living with my mother in law so much.

[nytehavyn-circle]

Okay, so...

This is what's happened with my mom over the last few months...

At the very end of September, my mom started having serious trouble walking. Well, one day as I was trying to help her walk to the bathroom, she collapsed in the bathroom, right down to the floor.

Me, having absolutely no upper body strength, and my mom being a fairly big woman, there was no way in hell I could have picked her up from the floor. So I had to call the ambulance to come help, and take her to the hospital so they could figure out what the hell was going on.

They took her to the hospital, and after several hours there and several tests, they find out she had sepsis. What had happened is that she had a UTI that went unnoticed (apparently a UTI doesn't present in elderly people they way they do in younger people) and turned into sepsis. It affected her legs. That's what caused her collapse.

So, they admitted her to a hospital for about 3 days, at the end of which, they transported her to a rehabilitation facility, where they would work with her to help her get the strength back in her legs.

She was at the rehabilitation facility for almost 2 weeks. After which, they sent her home.

HOWEVER - during her stay at the hospital, the doctor saw something on her x-ray that troubled him. While mom was at the rehab facility, the doctor at the hospital who admitted her, sent her to get a biopsy on her lung. However, they couldn't get her in until she was basically released and home from the facility.

A few days after she got home, the doctor called and told her that she had lung cancer (my mom is an ex-smoker; she hasn't smoked for about 20 years. However, apparently, you can still get lung cancer :-/). So, days and weeks pass, they finally get her in to see the oncologist who wanted more test, showed her the MRI and CAT scan they had her take - to make sure the cancer hadn't spread, especially to her brain - and they start setting up appointments for her.

Well, the doctor wanted her to have another biopsy because he saw something in the MRI of a portion above her lung. Turns out the cancer had spread to one of her nodules.

Anyway - keep in mind all of this is happening between October and January - they finally set her up to get targeted radiation with chemo.

Her first chemo session was supposed to have been on Tuesday of this week. The Tuesday that has just passed, the 18th. So she goes in for chemo, but they find something on the x-ray of her lungs that bother them. Turns out, she has Pleural Effusion - which is basically fluid on the lungs. So, instead of her first chemo session, they ended up having to drain the fluid from her lung.

Now keep in mind, she was at the hospital on Tuesday from about 1pm to 11pm. ALL FUCKING DAY.

She finally comes home, and she's fine the rest of the night (except for the pain where they had to skewer her to drain the fluid), and she's fine all day yesterday.

She's fine for the most part today - until earlier this evening, she tried to go to the bathroom using her walker, and STILL has trouble walking, even with her walker.

So, after a little while of her sitting on the couch and thinking, we decide it's a good idea to call the ambulance and have her transported to the hospital.

They've done a bunch of tests, are doing more, and will let her know something. Whether it's sepsis again, whether it's something else, whether they're going to send her home tonight or whatever they're going to do.

She sent me home tonight because of the snowy weather outside and because of how bad my anxiety gets in a hospital - and my mom, and the doctor, will call with updates.

So that's where I am now - home and waiting. I'll have to go to bed here soon because I'm getting tired, but I have both the home phone and my cell phone sitting right here next to the bed.

So that's where we're at right now. With me waiting.

[jedimasterkelly]

Shit happens when you're a woman. A lot of shit. Bad shit. And a lot of the time, you will run into doctors who do not listen to you. Will not care about you, and will not take you seriously.

This story is about the Great Cancer Scare of 2020.

I was 49, and 3 yrs post menopause. I was pleased about that, as it means no more period ever. I could deal with the occasional hot flashes, and the snapping of necks of anyone who dared bother me. Then in May of 2020, after the pandemic fully hit and the University I work at closed and sent all of us to work from home, I got very sick. Not from Covid, thankfully, but something else. I had started bleeding, and it wasn't menstrual blood. It was bright red and HEAVY. I was filling post-natal pads within 2 hours. I called the Women's Clinic where my OB-GYN lived. They couldn't see me until July. WTF! I called my GP, who got me in on an emergency basis, I mean, 3 yrs post-menopausal women don't just spring a leak, you know? My ovarian function had been almost nil for 3 years. He called my OB-GYN and demanded I get seen right away. They made an appointment for 2 weeks later. Keep reading, because it's quite a ride!

Seriously! 2 weeks later!

In the meantime, my GP discovered my thyroid was tanked out, so I was put on Levothyroxine 25mcg. It helped a lot. I started to feel a little bit more human, at least in the brain area. I finally got in to the OB-GYN, and he did a biopsy and trans-vaginal ultrasound. We got the results 2 weeks later and he called me in to go over them. He said I had hyperplasia with atypia. Cells were dividing rapidly, and he was very concerned. He recommended an endometrial ablation, or a full hysterectomy. At 49 he wasn't concerned with me having a sudden maternal urge (I have no kids), so he was fine with either choice. I decided on the hysterectomy, because why not? Endometrium grows back after an ablation, and why bother at my age? Just yank it all and let me get back to my life.

He said he didn't feel safe doing the procedure, since the cells were most likely cancerous and rapidly dividing, so he sent a referral to one of the cancer centers in OKC. I expected a call within a couple of weeks. I mean, really, if I have the early stages of endometrial cancer, they'd call me in immediately, right? Right?

Crickets. Literal crickets for 4 months! I was very concerned, hell, worried I was going to get full blown cancer and these jackasses weren't going to try and help me at all. I called OB-GYN several times during that 4 month period, and was told the cancer center in OKC wasn't returning their calls. I called them numerous times, and could never get a person on the phone.

I was told it was the pandemic. The pandemic was shutting everything down and causing huge backlogs for non-Covid issues to be seen. I told OB-GYN to refer me to the oncologist from Tulsa, who also worked once a month in Stillwater at the SMC Cancer Center. He didn't want to, he wanted me to see the doctor in OKC (who wasn't returning anyone's calls!) I called SMC Cancer Center and asked how soon I could get in with Dr. Thomas. His office called back within 2 hours asking for my chart and biopsy results. I had the Womens Clinic send my information to Dr. Thomas in Tulsa. Within a week, they called and had me on the schedule to see him in Stillwater on his next visit.

This is where the story gets good. And by good, I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Thanks for sticking with me this far.

Got in to see Dr. Thomas. I researched him and learned we have the same Alma Mater. That day, we were both wearing t-shirts from said same Alma Mater. Instant bonding! I also work in Administration at said same Alma Mater, so we spent some time discussing (gossiping) about my department since he had taken classes with a lot of my faculty during his undergrad. Then he got serious and handed me my biopsy report. He told me he was going to assume I wasn't shown this, since I am:

1. A Master's of Science graduate student in Education Leadership - this making me a researcher who knows how to do research, do research, and understand research.

2. Work full time in a Physical Sciences department at a Big 12 University.

3. Edit manuscripts for my Dept. Chair, thus proving I am scientifically literate. You can't edit scientific manuscripts without having a good, solid knowledge of said science. If he's alternating between "adsorb" and "absorb", I have to understand his research in order to correct his manuscript. This is important because his manuscripts have to be peer reviewed before they can be published in a reputable journal.

"Read it to me, out loud," he said.

I started reading from the paper in my professional scientist voice. It didn't take long before I began to falter as I came to the realization I had been lied to.

"Read it again," he said.

This time, I read it with a lot more heat in my voice.

Diagnosis: no hyperplasia with atypia, no abnormal cells detected

Dr. Thomas waited for me to explode. I didn't. I just stared at him in anger and horror. He offered to do another biopsy to make sure, but he suggested I fire my OB-GYN immediately and find someone who actually gives a shit about me.

I was still randomly bleeding, 6-9 weeks at a time, so we agreed on another trans-vaginal ultrasound and biopsy. The attached photo shows he took 3 samples from my uterus. He wanted to be sure.

A little ditty about endometrial biopsies:

They hurt like a motherfucker.

Take 2-3 ibuprofen before you leave the house to go to your procedure.

Relax. It usually only lasts a couple of minutes. The doctor normally takes 1 or 2 samples. Pinch, snip, clip, done.

Not this guy. He wanted to be surely sure.

He went for a 3rd pinch snip clip. My uterus seized up in the most painful spasm I ever had in my life. I almost came off the table. He was seated on a little rolly stool so he shot back away from me before I could connect his head to my foot. He triumphantly held up his little weapon of Uterine Destruction and declared, "Got it!"

"Yeah, you almost got your ass kicked mister," I growled at him.

"It was worth it to get this beauty of a sample."

So, after a biopsy of your uterus, expect some bleeding and cramping. I had severe cramps for 2 days. I was not amused. We're talking laying in bed with a heating pad and ibuprofen every 4 hours kind of cramping.

Got the results back in a couple of weeks. No cancer. No hyperplasia. No abnormal cell growth. He recommended I find a new OB-GYN fast. I decided fuck it, I'm done. I'm never seeing another OB-GYN ever again.

Dr. Thomas said several times he's convinced my issues are endocrinal. I filed that away in the back of my mind.

(if you ever do test positive for cancer and you are in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend Dr. Eric Thomas! Make sure you have a sense of humor with him.)

My GP started pressuring me back in March of 2021 to find a new OB-GYN. The Women's Clinic has several, but they have a fucked up rule you can't switch doctors there. So if you go there, you are stuck with the same doctor and can't move over to his colleague on another floor. I saw my GP again, and asked if he was still best buds with a gynecologist who had his own clinic. He was always full, and not taking new patients, so GP would have to call his buddy to get me in.

Which he did. Buddy-GYN's office called the very next day to schedule me in. He had been sent my chart and was concerned about the long bleeds (6-9 weeks in duration) and why the fuck were they happening after being 3 yrs post-menopause.

I went in for a consult in April of 2021. First thing out of his mouth, "Has anyone ever talked to you before about PCOS?"

I laughed.

I laughed because every GYN I saw over the last 20 years told me I didn't have PCOS, endometriosis, or any sort of hormonal issues. I was just fat, lazy, and a piggy pig pig. I actually had one OB-GYN tell me to go on The Biggest Loser. Fat shamed while sitting there naked on his table after an invasive exam of my female bits. Thanks a lot, asshole.

I told him about that. He informed me he could tell by LOOKING at me I have the classics signs of PCOS. I use an epilator on my crazy man-hairs, so he asked if I was tweezing or waxing. I about fell out of my chair. Nobody ever believed me that I was having to remove crazy thick hairs off my chin and neck all the time. He asked if I ever had ovarian cysts. Affirmative, I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts the first time one exploded back in 1994. He stood there, holding the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"Well, going by your chief complaints, your abdominal circumference, history of bursting cysts, and no period for 3 years, I am saying you have PCOS."

He went on to discuss my need for an appointment with an endocrine specialist, he was convinced my thyroid tanking out sent my ovaries back into production, and now my hormones are all over the place, most likely, and I needed specialized care.

He must have talked to GP, because I soon got a call from the endo clinic to come in.

This post is already long and tedious, but I am happy to say I finally have 3 doctors who listen to me. My new Endo doc tripled my levothyroxine and scheduled a follow up blood test for next month. Buddy-GYN talked me into a pap smear and cervical exam in July as well. He also wants a mammogram, which I begrudgingly need to schedule so he doesn't chew my ass in July when I walk in with no results. GP is working on my other issues (weight, bad fluid retention, etc...). We discovered from a blood test last Friday my iron levels are dangerously low. I am now on a Rx iron supplement. I've always struggled with anemia, but it never occurred to me or GP to check my iron levels. If you're a woman, and you feel like absolute dog shit and your doctor can't figure out why, have your iron and electrolytes tested. It'll probably take about 3-4 weeks for me to see any results from the iron supplement, but I can already see a reduction in fluid retention.

In September, I have an appointment with Dr. Le at Integris in OKC. He's a bariatric surgeon. I have gained so much weight from having PCOS and Hypothyroidism that I need to drop a lot of fat fast. I'm pretty healthy - I don't have the normal problems obese people tend to have. I'm not diabetic, don't have sleep apnea, my cholesterol levels are good. I am what they call "healthy fat" which seems like an oxymoron. However, it will improve my chances of getting approved for a sleeve gastrectomy.

I turned 50 last week, and had to endure 3 decades of no one listening to me. I feel I lost so many years of my life and I can never get them back. I hope this post reaches a lot of younger women having issues. Keep looking for a doctor who will listen to you. It sucks we have to hunt for these unicorns, but they do exist. I finally have a good team who actually cares about me.

You have a right to be listened to! You have a right to be heard!

I was asked: Who are my doctors?

Dr. Daniel Brown D.O. Stillwater Physicians Clinic

Dr. Yasuto Taguchi M.D. Taguchi Women's Clinic

Dr. Wynter Kipgen M.D. Stillwater Diabetes & Endocrinology

[ren-in--wonderland]

In the hospital

So since September I have been having back pain in my lumbar spine again, and on Wednesday it got much much worse. I was pretty much screaming in pain. On Thursday, I started to have weakness and sensory issues in my left leg, and I can't walk on it anymore. We called my doctors, and they said to get an MRI of my spine. They did that yesterday morning, and since then the doctor heard about the leg weakness and said to go to the ER. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

We have been at the ER since 2 PM on Friday. They have poked and prodded and scanned, and while the good news is that they haven't found anything, the bad news is that they haven't found anything. My parents, the pain doctor and I all think that I am having a vertabrae press up against my nerves and spine, where it shouldn't be. The images show a bulge, but not any sort of pressing. Unfortunately, I tend not to show up on these sorts of imaging, and it could actually be super bad, but they can't see it. This happened with my neck as well. They couldn't see that the vertabrae was pressing against the spinal column, but when they went in to fix it during surgery, they found that it was moving a whole bunch and it was really bad.

Since they can't find anything at the moment, they are discharging me soon and sending me home with a walker so I can move around my house without leaning on my parents. I have an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon who has done all of my prior neck surgeries and knows my body quite well. Until then, please pray that it doesn't get any worse and I don't have to go back to the ER, and they find something when we see the doctor on the 7th.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

When i was 13, i found out that men can and do become women. That there was a word for the way i felt inside: transgender. All i had to do in order to be who i am is reach out to the right people, seek help and support.

However, it isnt always so easy. Our world judges people like us in alot of scenarios, and for a kid who just wanted to live her best little life that was a scary concept. So i hid it, i did well until i was 15 and 16. My dad and my stepmom went through my room, twice. On both occasions they found womens clothing, which i would quite often wear to bed cause i felt so soothed by the soft fabric. I had leggings, and panties, and a sports bra, and a white tank top the first time. Even back then i always loved the way leggings hugged my lower half, and how relaxing and comfortable sleep was in them. Back then it was a source of comfort, i "dressed up" in order to cull the anxiety i had from putting on this mask every day. It was killing me.

I made fun of, i bullied my own kind, i bullied the LGBTQ community as a whole. I did it because i wanted to distance myself from my own identity, and cause i was jealous of other trans women who were already in their transitions and living their best lives!! I became a homophobic, misogynistic asshole to just get away from it, and to make sure nobody would ever expect it. I hate that period of my life, i look back on it in deep shame.

But then one day i moved into a place that i would eventually feel safe in. I was 18 now, and just starting to really get worn down by drugs and mental illness. But i turned around there, and i got really close to the staff at this group home. They supported me like my parents would, even though they were a different nationality and spoke bad english i felt closer to the group home workers than almost anyone else. They talked me down when i was mad or crying. They helped me get further in life. I had thoughts of coming out one day, and how i could probably do it both in vancouver and in this house. I had thoughts of how it would go. Who to tell first, it raged in my head for a couple weeks. But one day i was with my therapist, we were driving around and i had just gotten a cheddar bacon angus burger from mcdonalds with a vanilla bean frappuccino to drink. But before i could eat, my stomach wouldnt let me go on without telling my therapist whats really going on.

"I dont know how to say this ashley, but its been on my mind since i was 13 and ive planned out the whole process in my head already! Im fucking trans, im a woman, i want to be a girl and im tired of putting on this rough and tough mask just to try and fit in and be a man!! Im tired of rough, i want soft!! I want to have boobs!! I want to have nice long legs with thick hips! I want to see the sparkle come back to my eyes! I want to see my smile have happyness behind it, and not nothing, im tired of faking it!! Im scared, i could never do this around my dad, or in kelowna!! But ive got a fresh start in this city, and i know i can do it with the supports i have!! Everything i did was to please someone else, and i tried to be the best man i could to hide it.. im not a man though, im a happy, beautiful girl and im tired of hiding her!!"

That was 2017, in the spring. I was a drug addict back then, and i lived full time as a girl for 3 whole months!! Although i was so happy, and felt so comfortable in my skin i couldnt handle it once i lost my supports on top of my addiction.

On september 14th 2017, i buried Jenna for a while. I felt so horrible, even rhough i knew it was temporary i didnt know how temporary it would be. I was scared to be a boy now, and i felt even more dysphoric full well knowing the result of transitioning and the improvements to my mental health. Burying jenna was burying who i am. It couldn't last long, and once i got sober on december 15th 2018, and got myself into a safe space again in march. By late april i couldnt hold jenna inside me anymore, she needed out, jenna needed to bloom and grow big and strong!! I came out a second time to my mother and my grandmother who were both as accepting as two people who know no trans people aside from me can be. It went well, i told them it was time for me to resume my transition.

They were there for me when i reached out to Skipping stone, and got hooked up with a gender therapist. By august i had a date for when i would start hormones, october 9th 2019. On october 9th i was tense, i just wanted it to go right. I even had a little freakout in my appointment at my phone. But, after driving an hour and half each way, i walked out of my doctors office still in boy mode, but with a script for cyproterone and estradiol!! I started that night!!

When i started hrt, i was a different person in two weeks, i wasnt jayden, i was jenna. I acted way more feminine, my skin got softer, my erogenous zones changed, my voice got higher, my testicles shrunk. The feminization process had begun! I had emotional breaks here and there, and it hasnt been easy all the time. But my bad days today are still better than my best days when i was playing a character, acting as jayden. Today when i get sad, i put on something cute, and i take some cute pics and i look at them. I love it when i can honestly say, i love the way im changing. How my face lost the wrinkles of 5 years of bad habits in two months!! How my breasts are here and so so sensitive, i feel them moving on my chest and theyre like little stress sacks there for me to squeeze and hold when im feeling down!! I love the feeling of weight on my chest, and the jiggle when i walk or hit bumps on my bike! My medical transition so far is destroying any bit of my dysphoria!

I think trans is beautiful, because theres something just so positive, so god damn enlightening and beautiful. About one mans journey to woman. My body is changing, its curves being accentuated, its features becoming more noticeable by the day. I feel so much joy when i see a change, when i notice my body looks feminine. Or when i get compliments, like "my god youve got legs for days!!" It makes me know for a fact i chose right, cause im a beautiful girl, going through this beautiful process with beautiful changes.

Jenna jayde is a girl, i wasnt born a girl, but i make a better girl than i ever could have a boy. Wearing clothes that make me happy, and feel hugged all over from the soft tight fabric. Feeling emotions i never thought existed after a while on hrt!

Its so beautiful, like a sunflower swaying slightly in the summer breeze!

Life is better now, its worth standing up and fighting for.

Woot woot!! Its trans positivity jenna!! Woot woot!!

[rimeandreason]

I completed Horowitz's Dapsone Protocol for Lyme disease and I've been symptom-free for almost 2 years.

Ok. I posted this on Reddit last year on r/Lyme but it occurred to me that I could probably help more people if I stuck it up here too. I’ve made a few edits. Apologies for any weird formatting.

Dapsone is a drug used traditionally for Leprosy. Dr. Horowitz has been successfully using it to treat patients with persistent Lyme disease - 58% stayed in remission for a year or longer. Read the study here: [https://www.mdpi.com/2079-6382/9/11/725](https://www.mdpi.com/2079-6382/9/11/725)

A little bit about me: My Lyme went undiagnosed for at least five years, probably masked by my life-long migraines (doctors love to shrug and say, 'well it's probably related to your migraines' bc no one really understands shit about migraines). I never saw a tick, never had a bullseye rash. My first symptom was a large red spot on my calf that developed over a scratch in 2012. I thought it was a weird scar. Gradually, I developed more of these red blotches all over my body - arms, scalp, legs. When I had them biopsied by a dermatologist, I was diagnosed with necrobiosis lipicoida, which pretty much is just a name for a condition where you develop big red splotches for no reason. The dermatologist shrugged it off and said it wasn't going to hurt me. (Note: the splotches all went away with antibiotic treatment. The derm was shocked.)

My second symptom was memory problems. I seriously worried that I was somehow getting Alzheimer's in my twenties. I'd sit through meetings at work, listening attentively, and then leave and realized I hadn't retained a word. I started losing word recall. I couldn't explain simple concepts to my clients at work. I developed a stutter. I couldn't remember to follow through on the simplest tasks.

My health declined so slowly over a period of years that I really didn't understand that I was sick until I stopped being able to do my job or even leave my house. Suddenly I developed breathing problems (and was diagnosed with asthma). I had sharp, shooting pains in my chest, plus heart palpitations. My entire body hurt so much that some days I couldn't move. I stopped sleeping. I lost 20 pounds. I was tested for MS and Lupus, had MRIs and EKGs, and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia twice, which I dismissed as a bullshit diagnosis because it simply didn't account for all my symptoms (like the skin blotches) - plus, it is absolutely something doctors tell women they consider 'problem patients.' 

Out of desperation, I begged my primary care doctor to test me for Lyme. I failed the ELISA, but was present for 39, 41, and 45KD on the Western Blot. I made an appointment with an infectious disease specialist, who told me that I definitely had had Lyme in the past, but since I had been treated with antibiotics since, I was cured. He told me I should get my depression under control. I almost punched him in his stupid face. 

Finally, in November of 2017, I saw an LLMD (Lyme-literate medical doctor), a former OBGYN who himself had suffered from Lyme disease. Based largely on my symptoms, he diagnosed me with Lyme. Additional bloodwork showed that I also tested positive for Bartonella and Rickettsia (ie Rocky Mt Spotted Fever). I never could get a positive DNA test for Lyme, which my doc said was very common.

I won't go into all the protocols I tried, but for two years I was constantly on a different combination of antibiotics. My first doctor retired and sent me to a colleague. My new doctor also suffered from Lyme, and had traveled to Dr. Horowitz's clinic in NY to work directly with him. He told me about dapsone, and showed me the case study. He was already on the protocol, and said it was hard but he really believed in the results. Hopeful, I agreed to try it and started the protocol in August of 2019. 

It was the worst, hardest, most awful drug I have ever taken. By the time I ramped up to the full dosage in September, I was vomiting constantly. I had to take the drug for two days and then take a day off to recover, which kept me on the protocol even longer. I was so nauseous I could barely lift my head from the couch. I had blinding headaches no medication could touch. My stomach burned constantly and made it even harder to sleep. I could only keep simple carbs down, but I still gained twenty pounds. I needed blood work to be done constantly - first every two weeks, then weekly - to be sure that my kidneys weren’t shutting down. I was exhausted and my body ached all over. It was like a never-ending flu from hell. There were some days where I just sobbed and swore I'd never be able to finish.

But I did. I finished the protocol in December 2019. I definitely didn't feel better right away - it was probably March before I started feeling really positive about my progress. When I met with my doctor in February 2020, he told me my lab results (IGXSpot) confirmed that I was in full remission. I was overjoyed, but still only felt maybe at 75%. I suspect that I actually do have fibromyalgia now as a result of all the trauma to my system (irony!), and after several more months of light exercise and tinkering with supplements, I can honestly say that I feel 90% of normal on most days. I have lingering body pain but it's minimal. I have real energy, and I can sleep! I feel like a living, functioning human again. 

I am still taking antibiotics (azithromycin and cefuroxime) on the orders of my LLMD because I am breastfeeding my baby. I have never herxed from them and I don’t feel sick, but I appreciate that my taking antibiotics muddies the waters of my recovery a bit. I do want to mention that we had a PCR for Borrelia Burdorferi and Bartonella henselae on my daughter’s umbilical cord blood, plus cultures and sensitivity for both tests on the placental tissue. It all came back negative, and as far as we can tell, my 9 month old is perfectly healthy!

TLDR: I did the Horowitz dapsone protocol after 1.5 years of unsuccessful antibiotic treatment. Dapsone was the worst drug I've ever taken and the side effects were nightmarish, but I did it. It's now been two years months since my LLMD told me that I am in full remission, and I still have no symptoms. I would absolutely recommend that everyone still looking for answers try this protocol. 

That's all I've got. I'm no expert, but Lyme is a nightmarish illness that destroyed my life and I want to help others any way I can. Feel free to message me with questions, and I’ll do my best to answer them.