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moonlights-inkwell · 4 years ago

Text

Demand an Encore

Jaskier x Reader

Word Count: 6,958

Summary: anon said: hello! i see your requests are open...! could i maybe get a Jaskier x reader where the reader very shyly explains (maybe after an embarrassing moment?) that they are into spanking? and Jaskier indulges them and it is fluffy/smutty? if not, that's okay!! i figured I'd ask. thank you! 💜

A/N: Anon. I literally owe you my life, because Dom! Jaskier now literally lives rent free in my head. A fic from Jaskier's perspective? It shocked me too. Oops. Also. Clapping joke title on a spanking fic? I think I’m way funnier than I am

Warnings: Smut. Spanking. Oral (female receiving). Clothed sex? Sorta. Discussions of Sadomasochism. Canon complicit violence. A very bad take on Jaskier's perspective.

Title from Wild Blue Yonder

“Oh wank!”

The expletive draws his eyes from his lute and upwards, to you.

You’re busy, always busy, swinging that blade about and clashing it noisily into Geralt's. Parry, swipe, dodge, sword fighting is as boring a sport as Jaskier can even imagine, only marginally better than fencing because at least there’s some danger to sword fighting. Paint drying is a more interesting thing to watch, lectures less painful to listen to. Jaskier hates it. Sparring holds no interest to Jaskier, beyond when he tries to describe how sword fighting looks for a new song, but there are no new songs. The monsters have seemingly realised that Geralt is about, and have kept themselves to themselves, and so the well of songs about danger and adventure has dried up- like a brook during a heatwave. There’s no song about battles to be won, and if he plays Toss A Coin once more then he’s quite sure that Geralt will shove his lute up his arse sideways. All he wants is to work on a new melody and the clanging is quite possibly the worst thing he can imagine. The clanging, clanking, crashing of steel on steel is enough to drive him to distraction. All he needs is a new song, but no. He simply must be tormented by the sound of metal hitting metal. Needs must apparently, at least when it comes to sparring.

He’s sure Geralt is doing this to spite him specifically. Revenge for years upon years of songs and mindless chatter and taunting, wrapped up with the knowledge that the bard would never complain about your training- that your safety is paramount to him, even if it is noisy as all hell and infuriatingly distracting.

Cornflower blue eyes scan up and take you in, on hands and knees and holding your sword at such an angle to block Geralt’s swipe; face crumpled with effort and concentration while the Witcher above is as stoic looking as ever, bringing his blade down closer and closer until you slide to the ground and roll away from the sword. The buckles of your over-bust drags against the ground and knocks loose two of the buttons of your blouse, revealing an expanse of skin below the clavicle and to the dip in skin between breasts.

He wonders, not for the first time, how you manage to fight in a corset. When he was a lad, a little longer ago now than he’s quite happy to acknowledge, how a girl at a ball had collapsed because her corset was laced too tight and even after fetching a healer, the girl walked awkwardly until he left for Oxenfurt, probably long afterwards too. Yet, you can fight in one, swing that blade around with a relative ease that Jaskier can’t even manage if his trousers are tailored too high in the crotch. It’s strange. Watching you duck and twist, bend and thrust that blade around all while being held in place by tightly laced bones, it’s impressive- like watching someone dance. You aren’t a master swords-man but you’re skilled and it’s nice to watch. The exhilarated grin across your face, panting with heaving chest: it’s beauty. Pure, unadulterated beauty, even with a smear of dirt across your cheek, sweat beading about your forehead and a nick on your arm that’s letting out a small but steady stream of blood trickling down from your upper arm.

“Better.” Geralt says firmly, Jaskier watches as your face breaks into a grin and you just glow. A relaxed, genuine smile that makes you look younger than you are. You've mocked him before for how he just soaks up any validation, but even the slightest praise has your skin all but shining, cheeks flushed and mouth upturned. He understands entirely. Praise, acclaim, acknowledgement, it’s addictive; more so than any ale, any drug. Praise leaves you desperate for more, shaking and craving a next hit, almost insecurely hoping against hope that any second will bring that much needed praise. Bard's are like faeries, they require attention to survive while thriving on the energy people give, And Jaskier has been desperate for attention long before he became a bard.

Praise from the Witcher is a seldom given gift- one that Jaskier doesn’t think he’s ever been given- but he praises you. Training is important, and Geralt seems to have realised that he’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar, so sparring is when he speaks most, even then it’s minimal though; but he compliments. Your form, your grip, the strength of blows. Praise from the Witcher is a seldom given thing.

Jaskier isn’t jealous.

He isn’t.

Jealousy implies that there’s something to be envied, like a possession that he wants. You aren’t a possession, he knows that, and even if you were, you wouldn’t be Geralt’s. His fingers fall from the frets of the lute, sending a sour note that makes him cringe out through the clearing.

“Gods, Dandy- if that’s a sign of what your new song sounds like then I don’t think I want to hear it!” You call over to him, head tilted as the sword twirls between your fingers. “I thought you were supposed to be a good bard.”

“You wound me, Love. Wound me.”

“No good bard would write Toss A Coin.” Geralt says, but there’s humour in his voice- well, humour enough for it to be noticeable against Geralt’s signature style of stoicism. Must be a good sort of day, for Geralt to be joking about and complimentary. These sorts of things don’t happen every day.

“Leave him be, Bully!” You swat at Geralt's side, grinning at Jaskier. “Don't you worry, Dear Heart, I love you- even with this brute insulting you.” It’s as if you don’t even remember that you started the insults, but that smile is enough to keep him quiet. That must be a sign of love, that Jaskier could be quiet for you: he’s never been silent for anyone before, even when he had himself half-convinced that he was in love with every person he's spent more than a night with, he’s never been able to keep quiet for more than a few minutes or so, he’s felt an overwhelming need to fill the silence. It’s pleasant to just bask in atmosphere that comes from being about you.

The swat at Geralt had not gone unnoticed, even if it took a moment or so for him to strike you. Geralt, facing Jaskier, lifted a hand to thump you on the back, too absorbed by the simple pleasure of retaliation to have perceived two very simple things with those enhanced Witcher senses: that the laces of your boots have come undone, and that you had bent down to tie it.

Time slows sickeningly, as Jaskier realises what’s about to happen only a second before the SLAP comes through the air at a volume none of you anticipated. Not to the lower back, a spot that while painful is little more than inconvenient when hit, but instead to your arse- angled upwards as you bent to fiddle with the ribbons of your shoes. The white-haired man had wanted something vaguely friendly but still running with undercurrents of the same energy that comes from sparring, but instead he had brought one enormous hand down onto your arse with some force. Unexpected, and completely out of nowhere as it is, it somehow is not the most surprising part.

The moan is.

A loud, broken moan- somewhere between pain and pleasure- which Jaskier knows all too well. That sound haunts his dreams. Jaskier would know it blind, dumb and senseless. Your moan, normally reserved for during the nights when his fingers slide inside of you, when his tongue breeches you. It’s weak, beautiful, and oh so very unexpected. Its a noise more beautiful than music, more beautiful than the sound of children’s laughter- always his , finally heard by another. Geralt looks horrified, cat-like eyes wide and filled with something akin to fear, but nothing like the unadulterated horror written across your face; sun-coloured skin turning red with embarrassment, lips parted wide but slowly contorting into a grimace, eyes wide but watering.

Jaskier forces himself up and towards you, while Geralt steps back, saying your name softly and apologetically,

“I am so sorry-"

“Little Miss-"

“I'm going to the stream to wash!” You say loudly, side-stepping around Jaskier to make a beeline into the thicket of trees, where a stream was hidden. Without any thought, Jaskier groans and looks up at the Witcher, eyes narrowed into accusatory slits.

“So much for those Witcher senses of yours.” It’s a ridiculous thing to be annoyed about. Geralt does not have any feelings for you beyond the platonic, and Jaskier knows that, knows full well that Geralt wouldn’t do something like that to you, least of all in front of your lover and a man far too willing to write humiliating songs about Geralt.

“It was an accident.” All stoicism has returned to Geralt’s voice, despite the still apologetic look written across his features. “She’s going to hate me. She sounded so pained.”

That almost made the Bard splutter with laughter. Moans like that are many things but not pained, at least not in a way that isn’t seen as pleasurable. Somehow, he manages to keep the laughter down and instead claps a hand to the taller man's shoulder.

“I doubt she hates you. Missy is a resilient little thing.” He tries to sound comforting, but some humour seeps through, making Geralt turn and squint at him.

“This isnt funny, Bard.”

“I’m well aware.” Jaskier nods. “I'm going to check on her though. To make sure she hasn’t drowned herself.”

“Don’t joke.”

“I’m not.” He trills as he walks along the step-worn path to the trees.

The stream is a pathetic little thing really, barely a foot in width and surrounded on all sides by the thickest section of trees which almost blocked out all light. It was easy to believe it was around dusk, but it couldn’t be much later than midday, the shade made it appear so much later than it was. And there was you, hunched over by the reeds and moss, scooping up water and splashing it in your face and onto the gash still trickling blood to try to clean it. Even in spite of the shadows, your flushed cheeks are still clear to him and he stops to take you in.

He’s had many lovers. Too many to list really, but not one of them holds a candle to you. Every girl before you was perfectly primped and polished, in fine clothes with perfect hair and made up faces, and they were beautiful but artificially so. Made that way by clothes and corsets and cosmetics. You though, you’re something else. Beautiful with the sun in your eyes, unkempt hair and rumpled clothes. Indescribably perfect cast half in fire-light, with bags beneath your eyes and blood across your cheek. Sonnet worthy while drunk and stumbling, singing out of tune to his ever songs. Godly in the dark, mouth open and back arching towards him as you stumble headfirst into climax. He loves you. He loves you, and it’s the first time he thinks he has ever really loved anyone: more than infatuation, more than lust, but actual love. Love that makes his head muddled and heart sore. He doesn’t deserve you. Wants you, needs you, but will never deserve you. Reckless, wild and brilliant you, willing to leave a life behind to fight monsters. A fool. Beautiful little fool, selfless and-

“I can feel you staring at me.”

“Hard not to stare at a goddess. Careful, I hear some gods will drown pretty things like you out of jealousy.”

“Fool.” You say softly, but there’s a chuckle in your voice so he comes closer to you, stepping behind you to twist your hair away from your throat to press a kiss to the crook of your neck.

“Your fool.” He breathes out shallowly, letting his chin rest on your shoulder while his arms wind about your waist. “Are you alright, Dear Heart?”

“Embarrassed, I suppose. My pride will recover though, Dandy.” The lightness of your words combined with your stiff posture makes sure Jaskier knows you’re lying.

“Little Miss-"

“Geralt must be embarrassed as well. I should have apologised to him before-"

“You moaned.” He cuts you off, making you shut up, stiffening even more. “And you may try to deny it, but I know that noise. I might just be the only person who knows that noise.”

“Jaskier.” It sounds like a warning, but he doesn’t care.

“If it’s because it was Geralt, I understand.” He says softly, feelings coming out unbidden. “I understand, of course, and I love you but I understand if I’m in the way.”

“I liked it. Be... being hit. Not Geralt.” You whisper.

It truly is a day of surprises. Jaskier can feel the grin slip onto his face and his hands move from your stomach to your hips to begin tickling.

“Is that so?” He asks softly, revelling in your choked-out laughter and how you lean back against him. “My Little Miss wants to be spanked. Well, darling, you should have told me earlier.”

“I didn’t know it was a thing!” You argue between laughs. Jaskier so often forgets that you were a virgin before he got his hands on you, so of course you hadn’t known. His tickling doesn’t stop as he pulls you backward, rolling you onto the ground and climbing on top of you to continue his assault.

“Would you like a lesson in masochism, Dear Heart?” He teases, head tilting to the side as he looks down at you.

“Maso-what?”

“The pleasures of pain.” He explains, and watches how your face turns pink once more. “Oh, she does!”

“Stop taunting me!” You argue, thrashing beneath him but not with any intensity.

“Taunting? Never. I’m just trying to work out if I need to rent two rooms when we next go into town.” He too easily grabs at your arm when you reach up to swat at Jaskier. “For your lessons, I mean.”

“You... weren't joking?” You ask lightly and he shakes his head.

“I never joke about teaching My Muse about what brings her pleasure.” He says lightly, climbing off of you to sit by your side. “If you want me to.”

“You Wouldn’t mind?” You ask incredulously, drawing out a chuckle from the bard.

“Darling-heart, don’t be a fool, of course I wouldn’t. You know how I like pleasing you, and having you know what pleases you pleases me. Besides, it’s hardly my first dalliance into sadomasochism; there was a countess I used to know who couldn’t achieve orgasm unless tied up, with wax melted on her and at least three people watching her-"

“Jaskier.” You say softly, and he stops.

“Sorry. What I mean is, liking someone slapping your perfect bottom isn’t something to be embarrassed by, darling. Alright?”

“Alright. Thank you, Jaskier.”

“No need to thank me, Dear Heart.”

It takes weeks for Jaskier's plan to come to fruition. Weeks of traveling and camping in the woods until the three of you are able to find a town in need of a Witcher and his services. It’s a simple job, just a few drowners, but the pay is good and there is a very decent inn more than willing to accommodate all of you, and with two rooms none the less- which is far easier to negotiate while the two of you are off to do what you do. The inn-keep is a pleasant, portly man in his middle forties who seems to appreciate Jaskier's way with words, and is more than willing to forgo payment on the rooms in return for a show- and who is Jaskier to disagree with a deal such as that?

His friendly demeanour is welcome too, means the Bard actually has someone to talk to while he awaits your return- but that plan dies a death when the job takes significantly longer than he expects. Normally, it only takes a few hours for something like this, but the sun is set and his songs just coming to an end when you finally return.

The crowds, cider-drunk and rowdy had sang along to every song they knew, and sang over these they didn't- but that was fine. Drinking songs were always nice to hear, but their song dies when the door to the inn-cum-tavern opens and you pad in, followed closely by Geralt. Both drenched from tip to toe and scowling, hair stringy and clothes dark with saturation. That explains a fair bit and even with how upset you look, Jaskier grins, grip on the lute loosening and stage persona rolling off of him. Wet and angry as the two of you are, the sight of you is enough to make the crowd let out a loud, drunken cheer before beginning an enthusiastic if out of tune rendition of Toss a Coin. For once, the Bard is uninterested in joining in and instead opens his arms wide for you, it takes less than a minute for you to run to him and wind your arms around his middle while the people mill around Geralt to interrogate him about monsters and the like. Jaskier sighs and presses a kiss to your forehead.

“You had me worried.”

“Almost drowned. But I’m fine.” You say apologetically against his jerkin. “Tired though.”

“I’ve booked our room. And I think my performance is over.” He says soothing, fingers carding through your wet hair. “Come on, Darling-heart.” He offers a hand, though it takes you a moment or so to reluctantly pull back from him you take it and follow him up to your rented room.

The room is tiny, little more than a box room with just a bed and small table but it’s clean and that is more than enough for you. Before even a minute can pass, you release Jaskier's hand to flop down onto the bed, moaning when you sink down into the mattress.

“Comfortable?” He asks playfully and you hum in agreement.

“I got you wet.” You reply after a minute and Jaskier chuckles.

“I don’t mind, now wait here. I’ve something to sort out for you.” The door clicks as he slips out of the room and you’re alone in the room, just you and the tingling sensation running through your body and making your brain feel as if a mist has descended over it, yet you don’t even realise it until the door opens once more and you lift your head up to look at the noise. It’s a girl, looking about fourteen or so, carrying two large buckets to the archway across from the bed which you had not even noticed, and in your drunken haze you consider why she would be taking buckets to another room through yours. Jaskier follows after her, buckets hanging from each hand and you notice how steam is billowing from the buckets until he disappears beyond the doorway. Confusion comforts your mouth into a frown, so instead of giving it much thought you let yourself sink back into the mattress, deciding it not worthy of a second thought. Water crashing against water echoes from the other room as your eyelids grow heavy and slip shut. Someone had told you once that the sound of water is enough to drive even an insomniac to sleep, you believe them in this moment, the sound of water is so relaxing to your dazed mind that you don’t question why you can hear it at all, so you simply shut your eyes and listen. You have no idea how long you lay there, listening and breathing, it could be seconds or millennia.

“Are you awake, Dear Heart?”

“hmm?”

“Come on, I ordered you a bath, you need it.” A bath. You smile and he grins at you. “Now, darling. Come along. You'll soak the sheets through.”

“I'll soak you through.” You retort tiredly, rolling off of the bed and toeing off your boots before following him into the bath's room. He watches as you walk through and is upon you within seconds, unlacing your corset and unlacing your chemise before you can move your fingers to do it for yourself. “Julian, I know you find me attractive but stripping me?”

“I don’t want you dying of cold.” He chides playfully, kissing the exposed akin of your shoulder as he pulls off the blouse. “Forgive me for loving you.”

“I love you.” You say softly and untie your trousers, pulling them and your underwear off in a single movement. He smiles at the sight and presses a hand to your lower back once you step out of the sopping fabric.

“I know, muse. Now in.” He says encouraging you into the bath, turning to fiddle with a few vials of scented oils. “Rose, Lavender or honeysuckle?”

“Lavender. It smells like you.” You say softly and sink into the water, letting out a loud moan when the heat overtakes you. He turns back to you with a smile and pours a little of the oil into the water.

“Oh, you like the smell of me?” He teases and moves around towards you.

“Of course, I do.”

He smiles at that and sinks down to his knees behind the tub at your back and picks up a rag, soaking it in the water and then moving it up to rub at your shoulders and the knobbles of your spine. The sweet floral smell is carried on the steam coming from the water, sweet and familiar and made all the better by the contented noises that come from you. He likes you like this, all pliant and sleepy and willing to let him help without complaint, it makes him feel useful in ways he never can on hunts. You shoulder so much, act so brave and mature and it’s so nice to see you just let him take control and look after you. He hums a little tune as he washes your back and feels your back move as you chuckle.

“Tickles.” You say, giggly and more awake than before. “What song is that?”

“It’s something my mother used to sing.” He says gently, scooping up some water with his hands and pouring it over your head before working out some of the tangles in your hair. “I don’t think it has a name.”

“It’s pretty.” You hum, head tilting into his hands like a kitten. “Why aren’t you in here with me?”

“I got the bath to warm you up, Silly Little Miss. I’m warm.” He says with a sigh and pressing a kiss to the nape of your neck.

“I want to touch you." You whine, twisting around to face him.

“There's time for that later, Dear Heart. “ He shakes his head affectionately and kisses the tip of your nose. “I have plans for you tonight.”

“Oh?” You ask, leaning up on your knees and allowing your breasts to lean against the lip of the tub. It’s a trick, trying to lure him in, and he knows it, but gods above it’s tempting. Far too much willpower is exerted to not reach out and take them into his hands. A siren, sent to toy with his heart and mind. He sighs and leans in to kiss you gently.

“You remember a few weeks ago? When Geralt slap-"

“Yes!” You interrupt quickly and he rolls his eyes, reaching up to smooth your hair down.

“And you said you liked the feeling?”

“I remember, Jaskier.”

He smiles and rubs his thumb across your cupid’s bow.

“Well. We have the room to ourselves, so I thought that we could experiment with that."

You blink at him owlishly before squinting at him. It would almost be enough to worry him, but he knows you too well to think you’re angry- you’re confused, but still very relaxed.

“Experiment.”

“Yes.”

“With you... hitting me.”

“With you letting me dominate you, spank you, and make you feel good.” He clarifies. It sounds foolish, and far too perverse when laid out so candidly to someone not well versed with this. You nod sagely.

“...And if I ask you to stop them you will.”

“Of course I will.” He says seriously and rests his hands on your shoulders, leaning in so you are eye to eye. “This is for your enjoyment, if you say stop, this stops. Just like always.” You smile and close the gap between his lips and your own. It’s soft and lazy, with no indication of proceeding any further than just chastely kissing, his hands still on your shoulders and your hands creeping up into his hair. It’s perfect, always is, and not for the first time, Jaskier considers that he could spend the rest of forever just kissing you and never be bored. Still, all too soon he pulls away, fetching a towel while you heave yourself out of the tub waiting for the bard and the towel. Even though you reach for it, Jaskier ignores your outstretched arms and instead swaddles you in it himself, drying you.

“I can do it myself!”

“You can, but you won't.” He says firmly, rubbing your skin. Beneath the soft fabric, he can feel you start to struggle which makes him hum and swat at your arse. It’s not enough to hurt, especially through the towel, but it serves as a good warning for who is in charge tonight. Dominance is nothing new for him, but he isn’t dominant with you. You were a virgin when he met you, all sex had to be approached with kid-gloved hands, even now that you are confident with it Jaskier has never felt any need to try and guide you towards that sort of thing. Submission, he had assumed, would be a difficult thing for you; you spend so much time fighting and fending for yourself during fights, asking you to hand over control never seemed to be a good idea. Control keeps you safe but you trust him. Trust him enough to give him control. It’s enough to rush to his head, that level of trust. Of course, it’s flattering when anyone allows him control, but it means so much more when someone who loves him, someone who is so dangerous would allow themselves to be vulnerable. He loves you, has since the second he clapped eyes on you, but this is more than love now, this is adoration. “Now, be a good girl and don’t argue.” Seldom does Jaskier have a need to be stern, so you doing as he says is to be expected. You go limp, eyes wide as he towels you dry. “There’s my good Little Miss.” He says once he finishes, folding the cloth while you stand stock still, pupils blown wide.

“Good.” You repeat back to him, starry-eyed and blushing, so he presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth before nodding.

“Well, you are my Good Little Miss, aren’t you?” He asks gently, watching the enthusiastic nod he gets in response with a smile. “I know.” He says with an air of finality, turning away from you and heading back into the bedchambers to sit on the bed. It takes a few seconds of silent sitting for you to finally walk to the doorway. You’re naked as the day you were born, wet hair hanging in snakelike tendrils around your face, skin glowing gold from the warm light of the fire reflecting off of the still damp flesh. You’re beautiful. Too beautiful, comfortable in your skin and his looking at you, pale criss-crossing of scars running across the planes of your body like gold holding formerly broken ceramics together. How Jaskier has ever gotten a chance to lay his hands on you is beyond him, why a bard such as himself can even look at you, never mind touch or kiss you. A goddess, battle-hardened and wise, intoxicating and intense but oh so soft and kind.

“You’re staring.” You laugh, leaning against the door frame and smiling at him.

“Yes. Yes I am.” Jaskier says simply and beckons you closer, which you do with a slight swing of your hips that he is entirely sure isn’t purposeful. You settle beside him, looking at him with a look somewhere between reverence and fear- like he's simultaneously the most beautiful and awful thing you’ve ever seen. He hates how much he likes it, the power it feels like he possesses in this moment. You look so small and defenceless, and he is too aware of how large he is by comparison. Usually, Jaskier feels slight- especially in comparison to Geralt and his hulking mass of muscle and manliness- but he’s suddenly far more aware of how big his hands are compared to your own, how he almost dwarfs you in height. You aren’t dainty, and he knows how much damage you can do with little to no effort, but you look so now.

You lean in to him slowly and tilt your head, taking him in before smiling with a raised eyebrow. Well? Your face seems to scream. I'm waiting. It’s all the encouragement he needs to put his hand between your shoulder blades and push your torso over his lap unceremoniously. Every jutting bone, every knobble of spine, outline of rib exposed when you let out a noise of mild confusion, but rest there with your stomach over his thighs. His fingertips, calloused from lute strings but still soft from the warm water, trail down your back slowly; his skin is colder than yours, leaving goose pimples in his wake as he moves towards the rounded flesh of your arse.

Pink and pert, the flesh juts out from the dip at the base of your spine, like a peach. Jaskier loves it. Loves all arses really. There is something so strangely enticing about them, likely the fact they’re so often covered that seeing them seems taboo in a way that seeing tits isn’t. Every inch of your skin that he gets to see is a luxury not afforded to others, and while his hands finally reach the plump skin, he had been moving towards he kisses your back, gripping one cheek firmly while rubbing soft circles into the other. A moan, airy and musical comes from you spurring Jaskier in his ministrations: shifting the cheek to the side, revealing a hole he had never paid much mind to at all, only to release his hold and watch as it bounces back into place. The jiggle is hypnotic, he thinks to himself wordlessly as he repeats the act on the opposite cheek, earning another moan from you in response.

“Jask.” You whine out and he hums in confirmation, feeling you push yourself back against his hand. “Don't tease.” He chuckles. Teasing is hardly what he'd call it. No, this is isn’t teasing, teasing is something gentler than this. This is preparation. He can hardly just start spanking you, especially when you've never done it before, but the whining makes him smirk. “Jask, if you don’t hurry, I’ll go to bed.” You insist and try to push yourself off of him, so he presses down on the middle of your back and brings his hand down on your arse harshly.

The sharp sound of skin-on-skin rings through the air, followed by a gasp. A tingle ran across his palm, and he snicks at the sensation.

“I thought you were my good girl, not a brat, Missy.” He says, voice low and on the verge of a growl. “I told you, I am in control tonight. Not you.”

Brat. You shiver at that, going still, and he smirks, grabbing the cheek he had just struck before tugging at it. He releases it before sliding his hand up your thigh.

“I. I can be good.” You whisper meekly. That isn’t enough though and he swats at the cheek once more, lighter this time.

“You will be good.” He corrects you, leaning in close to your ear and catching sight of your red cheeks and misty eyes. “I know you will be, won’t you Darling?” You nod quickly and he smirks. “That's my Princess.”

At that, your posture loosens and you relax against him. Praise. That’s good to know. Lazily, he rubs a circle against the curve of skin before striking it once more.

“I'm going to hit you ten times, and I want you to count them out loud for me. Can you do that for me?” He asks gently and you nod instantly. “I need you to use your words, Darling.”

“I. I can do that.” You say, tilting your head to look at him with a sweet smile. Jaskier smiles back at you, then brings his hand back down with a hard slap.

“One!” You say loudly, jolting forward and dragging your stomach across his crotch. He’s been so invested in planning and preparing that he hasn’t even noticed the hardness developing between his legs until it’s rubbed against. The moans from the bath had been enough to make him half hard, but seeing you like this, lips parted and the skin of your bottom turning an inviting shade of pink, it’s enough to have him fully hard.

“Two!” You shout out after his hand lands hard against your rear before two more swats come in quick succession.

“Three! Four!” The numbers are more moans than words, loud and needy. In the back of his mind, Jaskier wonders if the drunks downstairs are still singing and making noise, shouting and swearing, or if they too can hear the moans of pleasure. It’s sick, but he wants them to hear. Wants them to hear the pretty song that you’re moaning out, to look at you in the morning as you shift uncomfortably in your seat and know how you loved every second of it, see him smirk and know exactly who drew every noise from you.

He’s a bard. He knows how to make noises, but these might just be the prettiest ones yet. A hand rubs at the pinking skin and then, quickly as it comes it's gone and brought down, this time to the space where arse meets thigh.

“Five!”

He could listen to you moan all day. Sex, or at least sex while travelling, is normally a quiet affair. Quiet murmurs of affirmation, whispered begs and pleas, it’s not enough. Jaskier loves sex, loves the intimacy that comes from being as close to someone as humanly possible, but more so than the enjoyment of sex, Jaskier loves the theatrics of sex. Sex is like performing. Doing all possible to please an enthusiastic audience, listening to the sounds of enjoyment as it builds and crescendos, fingers moving faster, doing his best to not make a fool of himself.

“Six!”

Slap!

“Seven!”

He can’t help himself from hoping that this won't be a one-time occurrence. For a few stolen moments you can hand over control to him and give the both of you what you need.

“Eight!” Your stomach rubs against his cock once more and he chokes back a moan. You'll be the death of him. Ruin him entirely. It isn’t enough that he loves you, isn’t enough that you are the most beautiful person he could dream up, no you have to do things like this. Unintentionally ideal. Perfection given human form.

“Nine!”

His hand comes down one final time and you scream out a broken, “Ten!”, and Jaskier heaves out a sigh, rubbing the red skin as gently as he can to soothe you when you begin to tremble. Calloused fingertips slide softly across the abused flesh.

“Oh Darling. My good girl. My good, brave little miss.” He coos sweetly, gently guiding you up to sit on his lap, one hand still running the skin while the other threads itself in the hair at the nape of your neck. “You did so well.” Gently, he presses his forehead against your own, staring into tear filled eyes. “Oh, Dear Heart, did you not like it?” Worry washes over him suddenly. He should have reminded you that you could say no once more, that he wouldn’t be disappointed.

“Kiss me.” You breathe back against his lips and he sighs softly, hand shifting to your jaw to tug you into a chaste kiss. You tremble against his lap, but kiss back far more forcefully than he had kissed you. Gentle but seeking, tongue pushing between his lips to make its way into his mouth. He smirks slightly, but doesn’t open his mouth, feeling you rock against his lap- sweet nectar between your legs dripping through the fabric of his trousers while shaking fingers toy with the lacing of his doublet.

“Darling-"

“You're wearing far too much.” You whine pulling back to stare at him. “Take it off.”

“Take what off?”

“Everything.” One word has never held so much weight. He could look at you like this for always, so soft and desperate and wanting- it makes his heart beat faster and his cock jumps against the heat of your core. He wants to strip himself, rid himself of the offensive articles and just let you take from him all that he has, but he holds your jaw gently instead, using the warm skin as a means to ground himself once more.

“Ask nicely.”

“Jaskier.” You say with a slight scowl, but he narrows his eyes and tilts his head, trying not to laugh at your intent look. “Please. Please strip.”

“I think you can ask nicer than that, Dear Heart.”

“Julian, please take off your clothes. Please.” You ask softly and trail your hands along the chemise beneath his half-unlaced jerkin. “Please, Dandy? I want to touch you- can I?”

The pet name brings a soft smile to his face, hands moving to your hips to shift you onto the bed before undoing the rest of his jacket and shucking it off, to toss it to the side. Ducking down, he peppers a few feverish kisses to your thighs, toying with the ties of his chemise while you tug it over his head. Needy and half frenzied is unlike you, but he can’t say that it isn’t perfection. Shy, unsure sex has been too common, the occasional rushed shag when you two can spare a few seconds less frequent, but this magically manic need is sweet. Jaskier is a performer; performers preen under the watchful eye of attentive audience, need the knowledge of a job well done, which he normally gets from you in the form of moans and frantic rutting. This enthusiasm is perfection, especially while his face is so close to your cunt that he can smell the arousal dripping from it.

Nudity can wait, The Bard smirks, grips your thighs in a vice-like grip and widens the distance between them so he can get his mouth on your sex, tongue gathering slick and relishing that sweet, musky taste. Sweeter than any fruit, more addictive than any wine. Jaskier’s lips find your clit, that bud of nerves that might as well contain every breathless moan that you can fit in your body, and sucks, tongue flicking across it with the moans and curses that such an act wrings from you. Nose buried in the curls that cover your mount, cornflower eyes look up to take you in, writhing in ecstasy, breasts quivering with every stuttered breath. He knew that he had missed something while spanking you’d but it falls into place now. Your face.

Every emotion flit across it, as clear to read as sheet music to him. You have an expressive face at the best of times, but it only seems heightened by sex. He knows many men prefer not to face their lovers and, hell, in his more adventurous days had preferred it himself, but seeing how you feel written across your features is part of the joy of sex. It had taken a while to convince you to stop silencing yourself during intimacy, that those moans are his and hard earned, but those expressions mean even more. Miniscule twitches of the brows and lips that let him know that you enjoy what he is doing, he loves them. Loves you. Those noises are meaningless without that face, pink and contorted with pleasure. That face. He could stare at it all day.

He doesn’t miss Lettenhove, not for a minute, but he does miss paintings. Portraits, moments trapped in time, forever perfect. He wants a painting of moments like this; nothing pornographic, just your face, with not a care for anything but pleasure. To see him through those nights when hunting takes too long and he's long asleep by the time you return. A little painting to have with him always.

“Jaskier-" You whimper, fingers curled into his hair and tugging. “Please. Please.”

He hums softly and slaps your thigh, revelling in the sweet little gasp that comes from you before a gush of fluid hits his lips. The Bard pulls back and blinks in shock. You’re shaking, twisting in the blankets as he just breathes you in. Squirted. You just squirted on him. He was half convinced that such a thing was just A rumour but... you did it.

Blinking rapidly, Jaskier stares up at you awestruck and starry-eyed, trying desperately not to spill into his trousers.

Oh yes. This is going to be a regular occurrence.

#jaskier x reader #jaskier imagine #jaskier x you #dom jaskier #witcher imagine #jaskier smut

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 5 years ago

Text

Though I know I should be wary

Still I venture someplace scary

Ghostly haunting I turn loose.

Betelgeuse.

BETELGEUSE.

Psycho Analysis: Betelgeuse

“It’s showtime.”

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Here he is, the ghost with the most, the bio-exorcist extraordinaire, the spook who has lived through the Black Plague (and had a pretty good time during it) and who has seen The Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times (and it keeps getting funnier every time he sees it)! From the Tim Burton movie of almost the same name – his name is actually spelled like the star in the constellation of Orion, not like what the movie and the cartoon’s title says it is – Betelgeuse is one hell of a guy, an undead menace like no other. Between the performance from none other than Michael Keaton (which is not surprising since the guy was more of a comedic actor prior to Batman, which this film came out before) and the direction and style granted to him by Tim Burton in his prime, Betelgeuse has cemented himself as one of the most delightfully enjoyable jackasses in fiction.

Actor: I want to believe this is what convinced Tim Burton to cast Michael Keaton as Batman. In fact, I like to imagine this movie is why anyone casts Michael Keaton in anything, ever. Birdman? Spider-Man: Homecoming? Minions? All because of his performance here. He’s clearly having a blast, and he fills Betelgeuse with the sort of insane, depraved manic energy a sleazy undead conman should have. Keaton has apparently said this is his favorite role and he’s down to do the sequel if it ever gets out of development hell, and if he can still provide the same wacky performance as he did back in ‘88 I think we have nothing to fear. He is the glue that holds this film together along with Danny Elfman’s score. Case in point: most of Keaton’s lines were ad libbed. Think of all the hilarious deliveries, dialogue, and jokes that BJ spits out, and think if there had been someone else playng him. I don’t know if anyone else could have come up with anything funnier.

Motivation/Goals: Betelgeuse really seems like an agent of chaos, just doing what he does because it seems fun to him. He is just so gleeful about the prospects of killing people on the job, and he gleefully torments the Maitlands even while they ask for his help, sexually harassing Barbara at every turn and just being a real creep. Later in the film, he implies he really wants to get out of being undead, and so tries to coerce Lydia into releasing him, even forcing her to marry him in return for help freeing the Maitlands from accidentally being exorcised.

Really, the guy just likes to cause a ruckus. It’s not really expanded upon in the movie, and he’s just played up as a hilariously creepy jerkwad, but apparently the musical adaptation expands on why he does what he does. As far as the movie goes, though... yeah. He’s just a jerk. A really, really funny jerk.

Personality: Betelgeuse is like a sleazy used car salesman cranked up to eleven. He’s motormouthed, he’s unpleasant, he’s sleazy, he’s perverted, and he’s an incredible jerkass… and yet, you just can’t help but love the guy, because Keaton’s energy just shines through and makes him a jerkass in a lovable sort of way. It’s sort of the same principle as Gaston; he’s just so cartoonishly, hilariously over-the-top in how much of a pig he is that you can’t help but enjoy him, especially since he does get his just desserts in the end.

Final Fate: Betelgeuse tries to force Lydia into marriage, and poofs away the Maitlands to make sure they don’t say his name. But this backfires spectacularly: shrinking Adam allows him to drive a toy car into Betelgeuse’s foot, casuing him to drop the ring before he can seal the deal with Lydia, and poofing Barabara out onto the surface of Venus only serves to allow her to wrangle the Sand worm and have it crash through the roof and eat him alive. And then when Betelgeuse gets stuck in the waiting room, he ends up between the man with a shrunken head and the witch doctor who did it to him, and after stealing the witch doctor’s number, Betelgeuse finally is able to get a little head… just probably not in the sense he’d have liked it.

Best Scene: Once he says “It’s showtime,” all bets are off, and he really delivers on his promises to help the Maitlands. It’s actually kind of shocking that he holds up his ends of the bargains he makes; maybe people wouldn’t try and screw him out of his end of the deal if he wasn’t such a raging perverted jackass.

Best Quote: The guy is just a fountain of quality quotes, particularly when he rattles off his qualifications. But I really have to give it to one line, a line that absolutely baffles me as to how it made it into a PG rated film, which Betelgeuse says after kicking over a tree in the town model:

“NICE FUCKING MODEL!” This is then followed by him grabbing his crotch with cartoonish honking noises. It’s incredible.

Final Thoughts & Score: It’s really hard for me to not call this the definitive Michael Keaton performance, as far as comedies go anyway. He is just really throwing himself into to the role and having an absolute blast with it; there’s not a single moment with him that feels forced or tired, he’s just constantly putting all his effort into making this ghastly slimeball a likable antagonist, and boy does it pay off. To this day, Betelgeuse is a beloved and iconic character in Tim Burton’s filmography, to the point where the guy got his own cartoon show which is in and of itself considered a beloved cult classic. And as if that wasn’t enough, he got his own musical! It takes a special kind of villain to score a big musical gig; just ask a certain green witch.

The thing is, there isn’t much to analyze in the way of character here; he’s really just the way it is because it’s funny. The movie is a dark comedy, after all (though not the darkest comedy starring Winona Ryder that came out in ‘88). Hell, I think the most interesting thing to glean from him is how his most popular outfit, the one he wears all the time in the cartoon and is on everything from the posters to DVD cover, is actually only worn by him for about five minutes of screentime, with the rest of his appearances featuring him in what appears to be ratty, nasty old pajamas. I think part of why the stripey outfit became his signature style is because not only does it look cool, but he wears it for his big moment when he frees the Maitlands and really lets loose.

The other interesting thing to glean from Betelgeuse is how despite being a nasty, horrible person, you just can’t help but love the guy. He’s just so darn funny! Like I mentioned before, I think it is because in a lot of ways, he is like Gaston, who is the poster child for toxic masculinity. Betelgeuse is a slimy sexual harasser, he has no sense of personal space, and he tries to force a young woman to marry him; in real life, this guy would be a vomit-inducing psychopath who people would rightfully want hung out to dry, but here, in this film, he’s hilarious. I think that, much like Gaston, it’s the energy and fun pf the performance, and at least here with Betelgeuse it has to do with how utterly cartoonish he is and how everyone around him has the intended reactions. And, of course, he never really wins, even if he does cause a lot of mischief along the way.

I think Betelgeuse is the sort of magical jackass more fantasy films should aspire to have; there really aren’t many characters worth mentioning who are in the same vein as good ol’ BJ. With that in mind, I think he deserves a 10/10. I think he’s one of Tim Burton’s finest creations, the most lovable of rogues, a truly impressive phantom menace, and he really holds the film together. I long for the day when Michael Keaton’s dream comes true, and they finally make Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian or whatever other absurd concept they would do for a sequel if they decide not to got with Tim’s joke script.

All I can say for sure is: boy am I glad Burton and Keaton changed this from a straightforward horror film into a dark comedy, because I’m not sure I’d like to live in the universe where Betelgeuse was legitimately evil and tried to rape Lydia. Yes, this was really what the film’s original script was like. It just goes to show that sometimes it’s better to be funny than it is to be scary.

#Psycho Analysis #Betelgeuse #Beetlejuce #Beetle Juice #Michael Keaton #Tim Burton

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aspiestvmusings · 5 years ago

Text

TMS S3: GROUP A

THE MASKED SINGER SEASON 3 GROUP A/ GROUP 1: (contestants 1 - 6)

EP 3x01: CLUES & MORE: RECAP for remaining 5:

SPOILERS BELOW!!!

KANGAROO

CLUES:

Location: Outdoors: “Australia”

Location: Next to a /in a yard of a “peach coloured” building with arch/vault-style architecture

VISUAL CLUES:

Sign: OUTBACK (with the U being in the shape of horseshoe)

Sign: Yellow “road sign” with an arrow pointing down (”spiraling down”)

MIB as papparazzi/press following her - taking pics, media attention (for “the wrong reasons”)

Gramophone on a tree branch

Boxing bag - the kangaroo boxing/hitting the boxing bag

Jump rope - the kangaroo jumping over a jump rope (made of a vine...held by MIB)

AUDIO CLUES/VOICE OVER:

”Like most of you watching, I’m a survivor.”

“I recently lost a person, who held my familys heart together. Then, by my own admission, I found myself in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.”

“But I’m here to do what kangaroos do best - bounce back.”

“I have to fight for my family. And show them that bullies never win.”

“I am beyond terrified - I’ve never done anything like this before. But I’m not about to lose the chance to realize the dream I’ve always had.”

“To all the survivors out there -- This one’s for you.”

ON STAGE CLUES:

Song choice: “Dancing on My Own” by Robyn

Look/Costume: The kangaroo has a pouch (indicates female), but also has a red/silver boxing outfit & gloves (indicates male). Outfit colours: red & silver. Important: there is a crown on the back of her robe.

Stage: hexagon-shaped mirrors (5 of them) surrounding her/behind her [if my other guess is correct, then that stage design is a “clue”]

Height: Tall-ish...almost the same height as host Nick. A bit shorter, around 175cm, probably.

Mic hand: Right

Talking: “One of my greatest fears is being vulnerable. And this year I’ve had no other option than to be vulnerable. But...with this kangaroo costume I feel like I can get my superpowers back.” + [breathes in/sighs heavily before the song starts]

GUESSES:

I HAVE NO NAMES OF MY OWN. -- I thought she was this certain female artist, because the voice kinda seemed familair (sounded like hers to me), but none of the clues and other things seemed to fit. And after checking the clues it seems to confirm it cannot be her, cause nothing matches. Also... to me she doesn’t sound like any of the singers I thoughts she could be based on the clues, so... I havent actually figured her out...

I think people online are correct, and it’s a certain “reality star” (gramophone = reference to her dad being a sound engineer on a well-known past TV show) Though I am considering a few more options - mostly other reality stars/youtubers/family members of celebs... particularily one name. If my guess here is correct, then just like Llama, she would have a connection to a previous TMS contestant...but since I am not that familiar with her singing voice, I cannot be sure. But she has lost family members in the past few years, she has been in a media scandal, and you can even explain the australia thing kinda... so...until I hear more of her, I’ve got one name mainly in mind. But I wont name it until I’ve heard her sing at least once more.

POSSIBLE MEANING OF CLUES.

Survivor = the title of a “Destiny’s Child” hit song

Lost a family member recently = either her family member (parent, grandparent?) died or they parted ways (were cut ouf of each others lives)

Gramophone = possibly a reference to a Grammy nomination/win. Or just music/sound/audio

Outback = possible connection to Australia

“spiraling down” road sign + papparazzi following her = she’s been in a media scandal “recently”

Crown = King/Queen

LLAMA

CLUES:

Location: Radio station/Mixing studio - mixing console (close up)

Location: Pottery making “class”

VISUAL CLUES:

Mixing console - close up of a studio/radio station mixing console

23.3 The Wool (name of the radio station/show)

Red lightbulb in the studio

Photo of a bull (the animal)

Playing cards: Ace of Spaces & Jack of Spades). Two black suit cards showing (Jack Black)

Sounds of Seattle - title of a vinyl album

Romancing a llama: pottery

AUDIO CLUES/VOICE OVER:

"Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Mix it up!”

“Good morning, Nerd herd! You’re listening to The Wool. Where we’re all cool. No Bull.”

“I’m here for one reason only - to have a laugh. And what’s funnier than a Llama? (laughs at his own joke)”

“You may call me a joker. But I’d like to get serious for a minute. The song I’m singing tonight is my favourite track for celebrating love with that... special someone. There’s nothing like being swept up by it’s deep, profound lyrics. It’s a tune that really gets me in the mood for romance. I can’t wait to sing it for you tonight.”

“Llama out!”

ON STAGE CLUES:

Song choice: “She Bangs” by Ricky Martin

Look/Costume: Dressed as a tourist - “hawaiian” style shirt,, photo camera around his neck. Llamas tongue out of his mounth, on the side.

Height: he is around 180cm - about the same height as host Nick (their shoulders are on about the same height)

Mic hand: Left

Talking: “umm.. This whole costume just spoke to me... My vibe... I wear digs like this in real life.” (answering the question about his costume & it’s looks)

GUESSES:

Drew Carey (TV host/comedian/actor...)

POSSIBLE MEANING OF CLUES.

23.3 Wool = His show (The Drew Carey Show) had, during it’s 9-season long run, a total of 233 episodes.

Photo canera prop = His hobby is photography. Actually, it’s more than just a hobby - he has been accredited press photographer during many (sports) events.

Radio = He was a radio operator during the time he served in the Marine Corps. Also..he’s hosted a radio show (radio DJ) during his later career

Red light in the room = photography reference. In the DarkRoom red light is used when developing photo film/photographs.

Buddha figurine (Dalai Lama/Llama joke) = He is a buddhist.

Joker = he is a joker aka comedian

Seattle = He is the co-owner of a Seattle Football Club.

Playing cards = He took part in the celebrity poker game in 2003, where he did better than Jack Black did (played against Jack Black)

Nerd herd = He did take part in Zack levis (Chuck) “Nerd herd” lightsaber race one time at a Comic-Con convention.

Nerd herd = his show (DCS) & character were/was about nerds/was a nerd

Llama’s side tongue = early in his stand-up comedy days he had a joke with a side-tie (it looked visually very similar to what the llama’s tongue looks like - he just added some wires & tape to do “the trick” of swinging the tie to the side)

BONUS: He knows last years winner, “The Fox Mask” - they did “Whose Line is it Anyway” together, so... connection...

SPOILER ALERT: Llama is the mask who will be voted off next - in ep 2 (on Wed, Feb 5th). But while his voice might not be as trained as some other contestants, I loved his stage energy, and the comedy/fun he brought! One more song coming from him! And no, I am not sharing some secret info - they “accidentally” revealed the first two contestants, who get unmasked, so it’s been revealed by the network...for those, who notice small details...

MISS MONSTER

CLUES:

Location: Lady’s restroom/bathroom. The moster getting ready (coming hair, applying hairspray...)

Location: school hallway - lockers

VISUAL CLUES:

Sign: (image) ladies restroom

Itmes on the counter in bathroom/dressing room: Furspray (hairsray) can, pink bottle of some beauty product, three crystals (stones), a piece of sequin fabric

Key/Keychain: a single (old style) key with a keychain that says “FUN” #FUN #KEY = FUNKY = “QUEEN OF FUNK”

Purple furry diary/good luck charm/cosmetics bag/pencil box (with a face + kitty ears & unicorn horn) + a glittery pen

Lockers: Lockers numbered 10 (the ones she opens) & 11 (the one next to it)...with no other lockers having numbers on them

Miss Monster Locker: filled with images of S1 Monster, scrapbook flowers..etc...

Piece of paper on the locker door: Monster Hits.

Photograph of a cityscape (skyline with many skyscrapers) on the locker door [if I could only see the image better to know which city it is on it, that’d be one more clue]

AUDIO CLUES/VOICE OVER:

“When you become famous, people want you to look or act in a certain way. They forget that you started off as just a shy little monster.”

“It didn’t take long for me to be misunderstood. So I’m here to set the record straight. Just like my favourite creature in Season 1 did. The Monster. He made me feel. He re-wrote his story. It was fire!"

“And now this performer in pink wants to follow in his furry footsteps, But darlings... I’m nervous. Will you still love me without knowing my name?”

ON STAGE CLUES:

Song choice: “Something to Talk about” by Bonnie Raitt

Look/Costume: pink & purple/violet furry costume with a bowtie

Height: she is short-ish (shorter than host Nick). She looks very short (barely 5 feet - more Dolly P. height 152cm than Chaka K height 162cm)

Mic hand: Right

Talking: NO ON-STAGE TALKING!

GUESSES:

Chaka Khan

Dolly Parton (since the total number of Grammy noms that the 18 contestants have in combined in 69 & Robot as the first revealed one has had 24-25 of them, that leaves only 44-45 for everyone else, that rules out this person, because she alone has had 46 nominations...compared to C. Khan’s 22 noms)

POSSIBLE MEANING OF CLUES.

Number 10 = She has 10 Grammy Awards/wins. (interestinly: both D. Parton & C. Khan have 10 Grammy wins!)

Monster Hits = she has had (many) hit songs during her career

He made me feel = She has a song by the title “I Feel You” (1984 hit)

It was fire = She has a song by the title “Through the Fire” (1985)

Will you love me - that is (word for word) the title of of her her hit songs, “Will You Love Me?” (2007)

It was fire = She wrote the hit song “Fule to the Flame” (1967 hit) for Skeeter Davis.

Will you still love me? = She has/wrote a song titled “I will always love you”

Furspray/Hairsray = he was/is known for her big hair/haircut (managing that probably takes lots of hairspray)

FUN = FUN(K) #FUN KEY [FUN:KI] - she’s kinda the “queen of funk” (one of her albums is titled “FUNk This” (btw: Pun intended by her!)

TURTLE

CLUES

Location: school’s track & field event (Balzano Track Field) - contestants getting ready to run. The slow turtle surrounded by fast bunnies, all preparing for the event. [Slow & steady (turtle) wins the race]

Location: Schools track & field event - BANG! The race begings. The three other contestants (MIB as bunnies - wearing pink bunny ears - starting the race with a head start, all jumping on their blue bouncy balls)

VISUAL CLUES:

Turtle vs bunnies

BANG! in comic style - to mark the start of the race

The others (three bunnies) bouncing on blue balls whe n the race begins

Surf board - the turtle poliching/cleaning his poink & blue surf board

Pins on the track...popping the blue jumpy balls

Grilling burgers on an (outside) grill...on the track field.

Turtle crossing the finish line first (bunnies just going in circles, being stopped by pins on the way, or other reasons), as he has time to do other things & take it slowly, and then still get there first...with a burger in hand & winning the golden medal.

AUDIO CLUES/VOICE OVER:

"At the starting-line of my career I was surrounded by other hungry new-comers. It felt like everyone around me was fighting tooth-and-nail for the dream. And I watched as many of those stars burned too brightly, too quickly, and then fizzled down”

“I’m a turtle, because I’m always taking it step-by-step.”

“Slow and steady wins the race. But now I feel like I’m ready to break out of my shell. After years of preparation I would love to make a big splash. So I don’t want anyone to cross that finish line before me.”

ON STAGE CLUES:

Song choice: “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal

Look/Costume: Punk/Rock-style, dressed in leather (pants, jacket), has a spike (hair)

Height: Short-ish (shorter than host Nick) - seems around 175cm. Small in size.

Mic hand: Right

Talking: “It’s hot. It’s really hot. And it’s heavy!” (when answering how doesn it feel to be in that costume and perform in it)

GUESSES

Jesse McCartney

Joey McIntyre PS. I tried connecting the voice to any boy-bands (of 1990s & 2000s), but I coukdnt. Even after some “research” - listening to each possible candidate...and IMO it’s none of them. The voices dont match, the heights doesn’t match---But it did sound like someone, who for me was a one-hit-wonder. Yeah, I only know that one song (and one more) from him... but voice seemed familiar.

POSSIBLE MEANING OF CLUES:

Surf board = that he is a surfer; that he is from Cali/Australia/somewhere which is known as being popular among surfers; that he has won Teen Choice Award(s) (this award in in the shape of a surfboard)

being surrounded by other new-comers at the start of his career = either he got his start through a (singing) competition and was one of many contestants fighting for the win AND/OR he got his start in a “boy-band” and was one of the youngsters looking for fame...

Surf board = Teen Choice Awards - winning several TCAs for his first/biggest hit song/album in 2005, and more. And he’s played a surfer character on a TV show

BSB references/connection - he was the opening act in 2005 for BSB during the European part of the tour.

Dream = he started in a boy-band with the name “Dream Street”

on stage presence/body language (movements) = very similar to J.M.

WHITE TIGER

CLUES:

Location: Football field. Tiger striking a power/winners pose.

Location: School hallway, lockers. Tiger walking in, shoving everyone out of his way.

Locatrion: School library (sitting behind a table, with his legs on the table)

Location: School hallway, lockers. MIB trying to get him to audition for TMS. MIB (fans) taking selfies with him.

VISUAL CLUES:

Golden plate/sign with text: Ultimate champion for clam shucking: 51 clams” (next to a golden clam shell)

Sign/ad on the wall: “Masked Singer tryouts 5/3.” + images of three past masks included: Eagle, Lion & Raven. Plus the text: “Hurry. Not for long" also written on it.

Sign on the all with images of past US presidents, including Abe Lincolns & the text/quote “Four Score and Seven Years Ago...”

The TMS golden mask throphee shown next to the lockers (as Tiger says “let’s party!”)

AUDIO CLUES/VOICEOVER:

“Ready to meet your next champion? My entire life I’ve sought out perfection, so choosing a mask with unlimited power like the White Tiger was a no-brainer.”

“I’ve had a giant career full of accomplishments. But when I imagine being on stage (and) singing, I’m a big old scared cat.*

“It’s been a while since I did something that scared me, so I’m here to concour yet anither challenge.”

“What’s my motivation? My fans! I don’t wanna let them down."

“So now I’m ready to get in that ring and smash the competition.”

“Let’s party!”

ON STAGE CLUES:

Song choice “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice

Look/Costume: Dressed in “Egyptian style"

Height: very tall & big (much taller than host Nick) - over 190cm, looks about 2m tall

Mic hand: R & L (alternates)

Talking: “It’s the most powerful I’ve ever felt. Like I can concour anything. I never wanna take it off” (when answering what did it feel like when he first put on the costume/mask)

POSSIBLE MEANING OF CLUES:

He played during the 51st (51 clams) & 53rd (5/3) Super Bowl games.

The three past TMS masks shown are all animals that are parts of names of existing football teams: Ravens, Eagles, Lions. Meaning he is an athlete & specifically plays american football (NFL)

The Lincoln quote translates to “87 years ago...”, so number 87 is the clue here. This could be a reference to player No. 87.

He has had a very succesful career in his own field (sports). Singing is not his main job.

IF the voice-overs were done later, not during initial filming, then it’s possible that “smash” relates to the person smashing a lego-statue of a TV host during 2019/2020 New Years. Which in itself was supposed to be about his famous “Gronk Spike” during football games.

A tiger (albeit “regular”, not white) was one of the characters & costumes + name of the sports team in the Katy Perry video “Swish Swich”, where this athlete also appeared.

The Golden (Golden Mask) trophe - most likely a reference to his many wins (the trophees he/his team has won)

GUESSES:

Rob Gronkowski (Gronk, athlete, 198cm) = 99% certain it’s him

Because of the height alone (seems to be around/almost 2m = 6 feet 5) there are not that many possibilities at all. Even if we don’t listen to that voice or consider the clues. Based on height alone it can basiclaly be only one of these names: Dave Bautista (198cm); The Rock (196cm); Hulk Hogan (201cm); Tyler Perry (196cm); Brad Garrett (204cm); Joe Manganiello (196cm); Jeff Goldblum (194cm); Jason Mamoa (193cm); Tom Brady (193cm)..or the likes...

Even other possible names, like the ones listed by the panel, are not valid guesses, because of their height: John Cena for example is actually only 185cm tall. Also... several of these tall men are bigger/more muscular, so that makes it even easier to determine the name based on only the physical appeance...without even listening to the clues.

ROBOT

First mask to be voted out in ep 1

Havent listed his clues, cause there’s no use for them anymore, as he was voted off.

With his 86 tattoos he makes up for about half of all the 160 tattoos the 18 contestants have combined. With his 24-25 Grammy nominations he makes up about 1/3 of all the 69 noms the 18 contestants have combined. And quite many of the 88 gold records the 18 contestants have combined, belong to him (I don’t know the exact number, but most/all of his 10+ albums have gone gold, I think) - exact number depends on how they count it for this list.

<<<<< THIS IS WHAT GOES ON IN MY HEAD AFTER EVERY TMS SHOW/EPISODE. THIS IS HOW I CATEGORIZE THE INFO I HAVE INTO FOLDERS IN MY MIND. THIS IS HOW SPECIFIC I AM, AND HOW INTO DETAILS I GO. THIS IS HOW MUCH I PAY ATTENTION (while, most likely, missing a ton of more hints that I’ll only notice during re-watch) I JUST DECIDED TO WRITE IT DOWN...FOR ONCE.

BUT... unless I decide to cut some sleep time to do this again, I am probabky not gonna do this after every episode. Possibly for the first episode of every Group (so beside ep 1, also ep 4 & ep 7)

#THE MASKED SINGER #TMS #SPOILER #TMS SPOILER #TMS US #THE MASKED SINGER USA #THE MASKED SINGER SEASON 3 #TMS S3 #TMS SEASON 3 #THE MASKED SINGER S3 #MASKED SINGER

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sangriatimes · 6 years ago

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Nintendo Switch saves Valentines Day

Can you believe that we are almost half-way done with January? Maybe it’s just me and the countless hours I put into reviewing the latest titles for the Nintendo Switch...which is our focus point that can change the tide if you hit a hard spot this V-Day. Maybe you don’t have enough money for that dinner, movie and gift. Maybe you thought that restaurant you made a reservation at is more expensive than you though. Maybe you just started a new relationship but you still have some awkward silences that seem to kill the mood. Whatever the situation may be a Nintendo Switch can get you to second base and home plate...trust me.

So let’s look at some of the titles for switch that are great to play with that special someone. (Games are listed in no particular order; games are not based on “)sales”; Games are mainly hidden gems)

1. Monopoly | 9.5 out of 10

Hear me out. I was one that grew up playing the original board game with my family and the overall appeal of the game was astounding, but I lost interest when I got older and noticed how long it takes to make everyone go bankrupt. ...but this is something...otherworldly. The first awesome thing you will notice when you pick up this title is the use of the Joy-Con controllers to shake the dice and throw them. Though this is still the same mechanic in spirit as its predecessor but with the newly animated boards populated by Mii’s and watching a living city grow as you play and add properties adds an entirely new respect for Money Bags. Our team lost track of time having so much fun with this one and before we knew it, we had seen 5 hours pass. (No one wants to play Monopoly for that long.)

2. Uno | 8.5 out of 10

Uno is another one of those games I grew up playing with family. When I purchased the game, I was expecting some sort of controller mechanic similar to Monopoly’s dice...but with cards instead...but I was let down. None the less, going into this, I didn’t even know that there were so many ways to play Uno besides the normal rules. Once again, I was amazed at how much more fun this was than the physical cards themselves. Rules like “Stacking. Where Player 1 can play a “Blue Draw 2�� card and Player 2 can counter play a “Draw 2″ card as well. ...but if Player 3 doesn’t possess a “Draw 2″ card, Player 3 then has to pick all 4 cards from the previous turns” was so exciting to try and there are many other ways to customize rules and play styles.

3. Super Smash Bros | 9.0 out of 10

I really don’t need to go into detail about this one. My only issue with the Smash series is I would really enjoy a multiplayer adventure mode or campaign. I was quite pleased with the full roster of characters though. Disclaimer: Make sure your partner isn’t a sore loser. We all know about SSB’s steep learning curve for beginners. “Don’t be a butt...”

4. Diablo 3 | 9.0 out of 10

I remember having this title on my old PS4 and being able to enjoy it on my PS Vita while I was in a relationship with someone who liked the game as much as I and we would both take our Vita’s to the restroom with us so we could keep the experience going. This title can definitely be used to understand the mindset your partner has by the way they customize their character and the actions they take in response to events. It’s a top-down action-adventure-role-playing-hack-n-slash (inhale.) It is a port of it’s original released on PS3 & 360...the price tag is still $59.99. That’s a deal breaker in my book.

5. NES Emulator | 7.5 out of 10

I honestly chose this one because of how many gamers I know and how 89% of them are males. This is something for those who don’t game to get their feet wet. The emulator is free on the eShop for a 7-day trial but comes with a subscription cost after. Pretty inexpensive for the titles they have. Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Bros, Metroid, and many more. It even comes with special versions of some of the games which gives the player the experience of playing with Game Genie cheats.

6. 99 Vidas | 7.0 out of 10

Your probably thinking, “ Why is this even listed?” Well, just in case that partner your with doesn’t dig the 8-bit look or the low-res adventures of the NES Emulator and desires a little more action and has a fetish for Streets of Rage and Beat ‘em Up’s. Simply. The available characters are cool enough to get players to find a favorite out of them. ...so...that’s good!

7. Oh Sir...The Hollywood Roast | 8.3 out of 10

After seeing the Samuel Jackson clone named “Bad MotherHugger” who’s personality is totally canon, I had to dig deeper. If you didn’t play the prequel, you don’t need to. I honestly only used the first title to learn how to play. In this installment, you and a co-star face off on a movie set where your scenario is to insult the other the worst. It plays like a fighting game, complete with health bars, special insults, tag team insults and so much more. For the price it is, I was expecting something way less entertaining. Oh, and one point or another you will joke against a Deadpool copy...a less funnier Deadpool but funny enough.

Consider this the American version of The Office.

8. Oh Sir...The Insult Simulator | 7.8 out of 10

Obviously, this is the European version of The Office. I won’t say this is better than the sequel and I can’t say it’s worse either but I will say “I am an American...” What this game does is teach you how to layer your jokes and how lay the foundation for repetition in your topics to create combo’ s. I like to let the opponent bombard me with little weak jokes and build a super mean and super long insult that grants victory for only one joke. I call it, “The Kamehameha Effect!”

9. No More Heroes: Travis Strikes Back

The third installment to the series hits the eShop and retailers in a few days and I am super excited to get my copy. If you aren’t familiar with the series, let me fill you in:

Travis Touchdown is the protagonist of all three games. In NMH1 we find Travis at his lowest moment in life. Jobless, hopeless and drunk, he runs into a mysterious woman who offers him employment with a sketchy syndicate group he knows nothing about. Luckily he had lost all his money by winning a bid at an online auction for a Beam Katana, his main choice of weaponry. Not long after, you find out you were hired as an assassin in a shady game by her higher-ups. Travis takes the job after being promised some passionate TLC if he can take out all 10 of the already top ranking assassins all over the world. Travis is a pretty simple guy. He likes mecha anime, luchador wrestling, old school video games, porn, sex, and sleeping on the toilet.

In NMH2, Travis finds out that after becoming the #1 ranking assassin in Santa Cruise, he finds out that he actually has hundreds of more assassins in a new ranking system where Travis is the lowest ranking.

This time around, Travis is joined by the father of one the assassins he killed in NMH1, and the co-op option is something that would have been outstanding to have in NMH2 but none the less the developers always deliver great content in their titles and this one will not disappoint. Couples will enjoy the kinky nature of the series for sure. It has been proven many times.

10. Broforce | 9.5 out of 10

Every wanted to play Super Mario Bros on NES but with guns? Ever want to change Mario for, let’s say...any huge action movie star from the 80′s, 90′s, 00′s? Ever wanted it to be a co-op experience with up to 4 players with local and online co-op? As a mercenary for the USA, you are sent to 3rd world contries to liberate them from the evil control of Satan and his hell spawn. Before that, you will have to fight through waves of kamikaze soldiers, war dogs, giant helicoptors, aliens (...from the movie “Aliens”) and much more. Along the way, you will recruit an entire cast of badasses. From Rambo to Robocop, you will find Chuck Norris, Neo, Blade, Bruce Willis, Terminator, Preditor, Machette, Michelle Rodrigez, The Bride (Kill Bill) & so many more including Mortal Kombats Raiden.

Very easy to pick up, very hard to put down.

11. Nidhogg 2 | 8.0 out of 10

2D-Side Scrolling Fighter. You start of with a sword. When you die, you respawn with a dagger. When you die, you respawn with a bow and arrow. Die again and respawn with an ax. Die again and respawn with your fist. This cycle will continue until you our your opponent makes it to the opposing end of the map. Maps are relatively small and consist of about 2 to 3 different frames. Sounds easy on paper right?

Tons of laughs to be had!

12. Tales Of Vesperia

If your looking for an in-depth RPG you both can play while she sits between your legs and you both focus on the Switch screen laying in front of you: this is for you two. The co-op system usually only functions when you enter battle. Player 1 will always be the one running around the world map but this is still fine if you keep an open-mind and communicate on decisions that impact the story and more. (Keep track of your own money.)

side-note: All Tales games are co-op in this sense, even the Super Nintendo picks.

13. Harvest Moon: Light of Hope

I’ve been a Harvest Moon fan since Super Nintendo and got my first copy on the N64. I know a lot of people see this game and hate the thought of a farming simulator but unlike it’s counterpart with the same name-sake; Harvest Moon is so much more. This can easily tame the craving for an adventure-rpg-dating sim with a very rich story and characters that actually grow on you. I have not had the chance to play this particular version yet, but I saw it was multiplayer and that sold me. If you want to try a good yet cheaper version, Harvest Moon: Back to Nature is by far, one of the best, next to Harvest Moon 64.

So there you have it, our picks of love for your love to love with their love! Honestly...I don’ t celebrate Valentines Day (poly-gang), but I love exposing partners to new things that they can enjoy together.

OUT!

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ii-thiscat-ii · 7 years ago

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Hmmm, DVD style commentary? That sounds cool! And like an interesting read. Hmm perhaps for the You're Trapped In Here With Me fic? And incandescence? And maybe the Alvie Rosewood Affair? If you got em

Sure, I can do this. It’ll be three different posts though, so I hope you don’t mind that.

You’re Locked In Here With Me

(DVD-style commentary is provided for the author’s own amusement and should never be expected as a given. Please do send requests though.)

The title of this is a reference. If I know TAU right, I know for sure someone’s caught it, because it’s obvious and well-known, but no one has said anything yet.

The idea came about because it is hilarious and @fenerismoon is good at making jokes, and I wanted to put them in a fic. Most of the jokes are his. I still take credit for the words.

“I hereby open the case against Tyrone Larch. Mister Larch, you stand accused of twenty-seven charges of first-degree murder and one charge of cult activity and demon worship. How do you plead?”

Set the stage immediately. We’re not surprised about the first part, but we are surprised by the second.

Again, Dipper is pretending to be human. This time though, it’s not because he wants to try living a normal life. This time he just wants to fuck with people, which is the perfect setup for a crackfic.

Literally any of the nonsense that usually shows up in crackfic can here be explained away by ‘overpowered demon in a mischievous mood’. It gives me a lot of leeway for crack, crack, and more crack.

I’m not too happy about the courtroom scene to be honest. I like some parts of it, but the whole witnesses thing ould have been handled better, and there were ideas I like that I didn’t manage to fit in. Particularly the part where one of the cops tazed him on the way out of the building, and he just kept laughing, so they kept tazing him.

Still annoyed I couldn’t get that in here.

I do like the fact that Dipper killed a bunch of people with a gun just because he wanted to. Actually, I enjoy the image of Dipper going ballistic with a couple handguns and a slasher smile, laughing all the while. That idea existed long before this fic did.

And of course Dipper fights the charge of demon worship while entirely ignoring the murder part. He’s not ashamed of just having murdered a whole bunch of cultists, but he certainly isn’t a cultist himself!

Oh, if only the judge knew…

And then he goes to jail. Mostly because he finds the idea interesting.

The last thing the prison warden expected early next morning was to have David Halver request to see him on the subject of changing his cell.

I don’t know what Dipper did to David. I don’t know what David tried to do to Dipper. All I know is that whatever you imagine is probably funnier.

I am fond of the prison warden, though. He’s just trying to do his job, and then Alcor the Fucking Dreambender decides to make it more difficult for him.

“Eh,” he shrugged, “I’ve a good sense of taste. Let’s see…” He took a bite of the so-called mystery meat and waved his fork around contemplatingly. “Okay, there’s a lot of mink in here, and definitely a bit of frog, though it’s mostly rat, I think. Maybe some seagull. And oh, nice! Someone’s lost a finger in here!”

I’m annoyed that I used ‘in here’ twice in the same piece of dialogue. This is why you proofread, people!

Anyways, Dipper’s having fun, and the Circle makes an appearance. One of the things I like best about this universe is that it’s so large in both space and time it’s easy to add whatever laws you want. If I want the relatively harmless circlers to end up in the same place as a 27-times murderer, I can do that. If I later want them to be a completely legit religion, I can do that too. In this one, they’re outlawed, which means Dipper has to clear them out of the way before he can make real shit.

I like to think he does care for them, if only because they’re so devoted to the more human parts of him he can’t help but feel responsible for them. In this fic, that means they don’t get shanked and that’s about it.

He did not say much. A few words here, a carefully disguised insult there, a few insinuations and implications, all said to the right people at the right time. It did nothing now, but he could practically smell the ever-present tensions rising, and he left the cafeteria that day with a full stomach and the sense of a job well begun.

I like this. The more subtle applications of omniscience, if you try, could possibly be to know exactly what to say to the right person at the right time to make them stab someone three days down the line. The implications of this are terrifying, but luckily, this is a crackfic, so no one we care about gets hurt.

The second cellmate was a convicted child molester. It did not end well.

I had to. It’s TAU, after all.

The rest of them nodded, and he opened the door again and yep, curtains. There were also floral sheets on the beds instead of the usual white ones, and a cosy chair with a book open on the armrest in a corner. Larch himself stood by the side table under the window, watering a potted plant. He was supposed to have none of those things.

This part was fun. Dipper might be in prison, but that is no reason he shouldn’t be comfortable, right?

The marijuana plant was for the lols though. Most of what he does here is for the lols, but that one most of all. The guards have already started to understand that nothing he does makes any sense, in context of the laws of nature or the laws of man.

The prison riot. Shooting people in the face is fun. Making people stab each other in the face while he sits and eats popcorn is even more fun, he realizes.

He’s not… entirely sane in this fic. He’s not all the way down, but he is at a point where he finds his own amusement more important than other people’s wellbeing. It might actually be that this incident lets him wind down ehough that he can come back to sanity.

They had to pass through three locked doors on their way to his cell. The last door opened to a plain, white room with little more in it than a simple bed. Tyrone Larch was relaxing on that bed, calmly reading a book he was not supposed to have. As the door opened, he looked up at the closest guard.

“Was there anything you needed?” he asked.

You can just hear him laughing on the inside. He’s not actually trying to pretend he’s not a demonic trickster god here, he’s just having fun and waiting until they give up.

“Then what is this?” asked the guard, and raised his hand holding the key he had gotten from Larch.

“That’s a banana on a string,” said the warden.

It was.

Case in point. This joke is actually entirely my own and I am very proud of it. Did Dipper intervene and exchange the key for a banana at the last second? Was it a banana all along, and he’d just made it look like a key, or tricked the guards into thinking it was a key? Who knows! Either way is fun.

This is also the point the warden actually gives up and decides to figure out what the fuck is actually going on, after which the fic is more or less over.

All in all, I really like this fic. I think it was just as long as it needed to be, with just the right mood and just the right focus on just the right characters. I can’t promise I’ll ever be able to write crack like this again, but if I get the chance, I’m taking it.

And then he was gone, along with his book and the view from the window. The window stayed, though, now showing some kind of grey void.

And of course the prison gets a memento. Namely, a prison cell they can never use again because it has a portal into the void on a wall.

Sooner or later, someone is going to find out about this, and Dipper is going to have a hell of a lot to explain.

#transcendence au #DVD commentary #honestly this fic mostly speaks for itself #but here you are

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downinfront · 8 years ago

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GIVE YOURSELF TO THE HELLISH EMBRACE OF “TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT”

Look, Transformers: The Last Knight is bad.

The good news, at least, is that it isn’t bad in the same kind of depleted, soggy way that the new Pirates of the Caribbean is bad, like everyone realized halfway through that they were making a turd and limped across the finish line accordingly. Nor is it bad in the way that, I don’t know, the new Alien is bad, where you shoot for the moon and end up with an admirable miss. No, this movie is gleefully, bombastically, aggressively bad. There is no bullet chamber unemptied, no explodable structure left un-exploded, no early-2000s gangsta lingo left unspoken by the robotic miscreants of title and no character developed; this movie is so balls-to-the-wall that the only sign of restraint is that there are no actual balls in it, which, oddly enough, you can’t say of some of the other, less bad Transformers movies. It is swolled-up, testosterone-fueled, smash-your-head-against-a-brick-wall bad, and for that, it is almost kind of ... good?

This is a remarkable five movies into the franchise, which, you might remember, actually started with a pretty good Spielbergian riff on a boy and his car back in 2007. Since then, Michael Bay, who has been directing these movies since what feels like the dawn of the nickelodeon, has piled on the bullshit to a staggering degree, eschewing even the bare minimum of logic something like this requires in favor of the most bonkers, Mad-Lib style plot that can possibly be thought up. Part 2 incorporated the pyramids. (Which, incidentally, get obliterated here.) Part 3 had the moon. (Ditto.) Part 4 had robot dinosaurs. (They're back for a hot minute and make it out unscathed.) This one loops in the Knights of the damn Round Table, whose battle against the Saxons was aided and abetted by a soused Merlin (Stanley Tucci, very funny) and a cadre of Transformers back in what a chyron helpfully informs us as “England -- The Dark Ages.”

Basically, Merlin’s staff is the MacGuffin of the day, and it’s the only thing that can save us from an imminent collision between Earth and the Transformers’ home planet, a world-ending event led by an evil robot witch and a heel-turned Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), who blasted off into space at the end of Part 4.

And listen. I could pick this shit apart all day if I wanted to. I could tell you that I distinctly remember the Transformer planet getting blown up two movies ago and Bumblebee getting his voice back four movies ago, or that it’s absurd that there are a bunch of baby robot dinosaurs roaming around and nobody seems to have any idea as to why. I could tell you that Cade Yeager is still a ridiculous, ridiculous name (all apologies to the actual Cade Yeagers out there); that Laura Haddock probably deserves better than to be Bay’s screen siren du jour and fill the estimable shoes of Megan Fox (who, you’ll remember, quit the franchise), Rosie Huntington-Whitely (who, you might remember, was actually pretty good in replacing Fox) and ... *looks up Age of Extinction on IMDB* Nicola Peltz, who I clearly didn’t remember was in these movies at all. I could tell you that Bay’s persistence for weird, 7th-grade level sex humor is just that -- weird -- and that Austin Powers did the inevitable “it’s so huge!” gag a lot better, both times. I could tell you that the best thing you can say about Jerrod Carmichael’s appearance in this movie is that he doesn’t get killed like T.J. Miler did. I could tell you that five -- five! -- movies in, nobody has yet been able to assemble a logical conversation between a human actor and the Transformers, who speak in non-sequiturs so random it’s like someone pulled a cord on their back. I could tell you that the action is incoherent even by the standards of this franchise; existing only to showcase the formidable might of the United States military just in case any Russians are getting any funny ideas or whatever.

But you know what? I’m not gonna do that. Because about a third of the way into The Last Knight, which, coincidentally, is when the early charm of the movie wears off, you realize that this is not a movie you critique. It is not a movie you judge. It is a movie you surrender to. And really, once you do that it actually isn’t that bad. Still aggressive, yes, but it becomes almost charming. Oh look, another car chase. Cool, they got John Turturro to come back. This kid with the scooter Transformer (Isabela Moner) is kinda good, hope she ends up being something. This last scene makes no sense but it is beautifully shot. Wow, Mark Wahlberg’s arms are big as hell, and hey, he actually has a fun little bit of chemistry with Laura Haddock.

And once you surrender, to be honest, there are a few genuine pleasures to be had. The dragon is cool. Little nuggets planted in the beginning pay off. There’s a funny joke about Cuba’s policy towards Transformers, and an even funnier one involving a swelling score during a major exposition scene that both reminds you Bay can be very entertainingly self-aware when he wants to, and mildly infuriates you that he never wants to often enough. Wahlberg commits to this stuff with a surprising amount of gusto, and Josh Duhamel is actually pretty good as a soldier from the original trilogy making his return to the narrative. And, of course, there’s this movie’s centerpiece: Anthony Hopkins as a doddering English lord with a maniacal robot butler named Cogman.

Sir Anthony has been cultivating paycheck roles like these over the last few years, but you seem to get the idea that he’s enjoying this one a lot more than, I don’t know, playing Odin in Thor. He’s long since tired of regality. He snits, he snorts, he curses out fussy British types and delivers this absurd exposition with a wink so profound the whole movie is elevated for a brief second wind once he appears. If anyone can steal his thunder it’s his French Lamborghini Transformer (Omar Sy, I shit you not) or the butler Cogman, but they know better than to try. The butler, however, does get the best lines after him, as well as one of the truest: (Spoilers incoming) After Sir Anthony meets his doom at the hand of the villainous Megatron, Cogman eulogizes him thusly: “Of all the Earls I have had the pleasure to serve, you were, by far, the coolest.” The lesson being, of course: Sir Anthony could have done something quote-unquote smarter with his time. He could have nitpicked the logic. He could have resisted the bullshit. But no. He surrendered to the world of Transformers, fired his weapon like a man, and became a damn hero as a result. We should all be so lucky.

#transformers #transformers: the last knight #transformers 5 #holy shit there are so many transformers movies #transformers 5 review #transformers: the last knight movie review #movies #movie review

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courage-a-word-of-justice · 8 years ago

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Kado 7 (includes notes on Kado 6.5 + Tsukigakirei 6.5) | Boku no Hero Academia 21 | Grimoire of Zero 7 | Royal Tutor 8 | Tsukigakirei 7

Kado 7 (includes notes on Kado 6.5 + Tsukigakirei 6.5)

Some notes on the recap: It’s interesting they styled the title card to be like a silent movie, but the embellishments in the top corners are high-tech. Tsukigakirei’s recap was a slog because it awkwardly cut, but because of all the indications of time and the fact there’s already a narrator, this show fits a recap style much better (but the titlecards and changing of the eyecatch make this ep feel fresh, which is great!). Also, it seems I was wrong about how it had been three days since Kado’s appearance (see ep 5’s commentary), because the counter hits 5 days when the first passengers are released.

Wait…that “brain” was a device???

“Hi Setten”, LOL. Also, I found out “kado” (with this combo of kanji -> 過度) can mean “excess” or “immoderation”, and “setten” means “settings” or “options”...I first remember seeing the word in the Boueibu game, where “setten” of course would refer to things like “volume on/off” and that.

Apparently, the Google CEO’s name is Sundar Pichai…I thought it was Larry Page and Sergey Brin as co-CEOs, but I guess I was wrong…Also notice Ward’s iPad says “ihou sonzai” (anisotropic being).

Oh flap. Adam’s pulling a Great Fitz here…

I’ve seen the “I can’t dry my laundry!” screenshot before, but seeing it in context is funny all over again. In fact, it makes it even funnier.

I was worried about how the show might get a little too philosophical after ep 6’s end, but it’s good to see Hanamori retains his sleeping capabilities. *stifles laughter* They even rendered Hanamori’s bedhead.

“Kado comes here, and instead of running, they find a way to market it.” – It’s an interesting, yet extremely obvious point that we tend to ignore because we’re so used to it. That’s why tourism – even fake tourism - sells. Why do I bring this up? Because I want to, for one, and because I hope to exploit this angle for Half-Paid Heroes. (I wanna know how to make Kado cake, too…)

CR subbers, I thought Gonno’s first name was “Takumi”?...

That’s cute, it’s a helicopter landing spot, complete with “H” marking.

If I didn’t know any better, I might’ve called Shindo zaShunina’s sidekick. (LOL)

This “stacks of books” scene is something like what I imagined when I wrote White Parasite’s La Luna’s hideout in the mountains…that’s one of the reasons I’ve been able to give Kado and zaShunina an unyielding love. Also, I thought the promo 2D Shunina looked creepy, so this 2D shot of Shunina stole my heart!!!

The cube seats remind me of those child corners in libraries and that, where you have mini stools for playing pretend. Oh. Speaking of which, it reminds me of this Rubik’s cube.

Okay. I thought Kado would be a show devoid of such things, but let’s play the game of “What drugs were the producers on today?”

Okkkkkkkkkay. (stifles laughter) Did you realise the Shunina heads made a heart, with the “real” (existing in the normal dimensions) Shunina in the middle? Hahaha…

Wait. That screaming thing in episode…2, I think it was? The bit where Shindo grabs his head in agony?...was Shunina giving him (Shindo) the sense of the anisotropic? Ahhhhhhhhh. That makes sense now!

“They were good humans.” – Just in case you didn’t forget Shunina is an extradimensional bishie being. I guess it’s kind of along the lines of Kai’s (Royal Tutor’s) “You’re all good boys!”, which is true both there and here. In most cases (except maybe Shunina and Ward), the boys of Kado are good boys.

A bookmark. For an avid reader like Shunina (or myself…haha), it’s a perfect gift. Just make sure they’re not so heavy they fall out of books, because then they’re useless.

They put the festival scene in 2D! (It would be a cost cutting measure for sure, but…you know what I said about 2D Shunina previously? Yeah, that.) Also, it just goes to show you even a high concept sci-fi show like this goes for the jugular in depicting fanservice for the “people who like hot guys” and “people who like tsunderes”. However, did Shunina change his own clothes? Did Shindo or someone else get the yukata for him? Does Shunina even have the concept of “changing clothes”???

Fake Nintendo Switch. I’ve also seen this screenshot making the Tumblr rounds before.

LOL, giant turtle. I like turtles.

Haha, negotiating even at a festival. I LOLled too hard at the line, “What is buttered potato?” (but I also like buttered potatoes…I like a lot of things).

“Saraka-san, zaShunina, you, and the turtle will be in group B.” This typo’s the same case as the Gonno one earlier this ep.

“Are there any negative effects?”

How do you lose an anisotropic being at a festival? I actually hope he isn’t being rabidly devoured by a bunch of girls who think he’s hot.

Just seeing the credits reminded me that Shinawa was absent this ep (which was good). Also, has Natsume appeared in every ep’s credits so far? I don’t remember because I normally don’t watch credits.

Boku no Hero Academia 21

“Sparking Killing Boy”, LOL.

The more I watch Mei, the more I feel like I’m watching The Truman Show (where there’s one woman who advertises things near the beginning of the movie).

The belt transformation refers to sentai heroes.

Hmm…I agree with Deku on Aoyama’s strategy, since his laser is best used from afar.

That was an unexpected (for me) win for Tokoyami. I knew his Quirk was good all around, but I thought Yaoyorozu would win for sure. It’s just the difference in confidence, eh?

“…focussing on the shield Yaoyorozu made.”

I kinda get what Uraraka’s saying. After all, she might end up dragging Deku down one day by relying on him too much.

Grimoire of Zero 7

It annoys me how tavern girl looks so similar to Zero.

Why do fantasy travellers (or Brock in Pokémon, for that matter) never have big packs? You’d think they do…

The colour of the night sky in this episode is pretty.

This wolf’s like Sonic (One Punch Man). Such a sore loser.

Hey wait, did Thirteen see her…uh, assets? Did he dress her wounds?! Eep! I do not ship this. *shakes head*

Royal Tutor 8

Ouch, Licht, you got burnt! On the other hand, I agree with Bruno that he should sleep forever, noting past comments I’ve heard him (Licht) say.

Ah, the zoo. What nostalgia that brings. I’ve been to the closest zoo at least twice…thrice…four times…? I don’t remember anymore, but the zoo is always a fun place.

It’s smiling, ReLIFE style!

Braunbar (with umlaut over the second a) is German for…wait for it…brown bear.

Bunnies can bite you when you least expect it. From my experience, they don’t draw blood though. (How do I know this? There’s one outside my window as I speak. He’s probably someone’s stray, although no one’s come for him so my family have had to take care of him.)

Shut up, Licht! That’s not comedy, that’s just killing time!

I still wonder…how does Kai actually wear that jacket? It must be troublesome to put on if he’s always wearing it like that.

Ahhhh! Dangit, Kai’s too good for words. The only thing that can quell my “fan of bishies” heart is fangirl screaming.

Those “tricks” of yours didn’t work, Licht. Get out. Besides, Bruno, I barely remembered that brick joke.

My heart sank a little when I saw they weren’t using the cheesy live-action version of the ED. Still the next episode looks like it will address some plot-critical things, and I’m worried for Kai because he’s the sort who can’t get over his problems easily. (As a sidenote, a similar tabloid article shtick was used in SGRS, so I welcome this plotline.)

Tsukigakirei 7

Vita Sexualis is a Mori Ougai work, so I’m kinda on edge about it…knowing Bungou’s Ougai, that is.

Why does this ep’s title sound like it should be a Boueibu one instead???

These (mostly still) shots of theme parks just make it seem like the staff are scrounging for money.

According to the omake at the end of one ep, you’re meant to ship Roman with the teacher (as ick as that is), so I can understand why Roman’s on his lonesome.

Stop egging her on, Hira! She’ll get nervous! (I say that because I don’t like roller coasters much.)

I feel like the word “viva” is being overdone, attendant person. Google-sensei says the word means “live (verb)”, so it doesn’t make sense at all.

Hira’s freckles really don’t seem to be a mistake. Also my brain can’t make sense of “sorabune” – the word for ship/boat is “fune”, but it doesn’t become “bune” when attached to another word...not that I know of, anyway.

Yamashina? We’ve never been told Roman’s surname before…

Potori Water, LOL. Parody on Pocari Sweat if you didn’t know that.

It’s nice that they didn’t do the full-on “can on face at aumsement park” thing I’ve come to expect from romances, because Detective Conan kinda solidified that as the norm for me.

The Big O in this case isn’t an anime, it’s a Ferris wheel.

Josei Next Door did a CR article where she suggested people needed to talk to each other more, and while it was on The Royal Tutor, sometimes I wish Akane and Kotarou would talk to each other properly too…welp, I spoke too soon (sort of).Why “sort of”? Because Kotarou is speaking to Hira, but he ain’t speaking to Akane.

I feel a twinge of guilt in that I wanted Chinatsu’s and Hira’s dreams to be shattered to make way for the canon couple, and Chinatsu’s tears exacerbate that feeling. I guess this is what it’s like to be a shipper, eh – to ignore the feelings of couples in order to get your own way, knowing your dreams may not even become reality? (But can’t these kids all be happy??? It could easily be a “pair the spares” situation, now that I think of it.)

The takoyaki’s nice, but that background with the screaming girl is creepy…It appears to be a parody on Beavertails, for some odd reason. Why is there a Canadian product being used as product placement in an anime (and why a product I’ve only ever heard of from a Canadian TV show, to boot)???...*record scratch* Okay, I’m weirded out, and I admit defeat. Beavertails exist in Japan.

Couple selfies. That just goes to show how much trends can permeate culture…hey, does that mean people may one day use memes in anime? (Even though anime creates memes?) It’s meme-ception!

It seems live action footage was used for this show, if you look closely, and it’s not just the OP I’m talking about…

Finally, a part of Tsukigakirei I can get behind! These night scenes are so real! If it weren’t for Kotarou and Akane, I’d think these scenes to be photos and not animation at all.

I get this feeling that we’ll end with either their graduation or them as adults, with Kotarou telling their kids “…and this is how I met your mother.” Which would be awkward as all get out, but okay. (I haven’t seen How I Met Your Mother by the way, although it sounds like a scenario that would happen in it…)

Aw, dangit. They got their kiss interrupted. At least it wasn’t by Chinatsu, that would’ve caused more tears on her end.

Mireta (used in “Did you see the fireworks?”) seems to be an odd formation of mieta, but in slang, people break the grammar rules all the time, so I’d suspect people break the spelling rules too.

I was surprised to find out this ep’s ED LINE chat is a wife to a husband. That confirms my How I Met Your Mother thoughts, somewhat. (The husband had overtime and got the wife juice. It seems they were going to an event, because the wife says to check the invitation guest list...and so on, so forth.)

Oh? There are more omakes? I’ll watch ‘em someday when I’m bored…I guess.

#simulcast commentary #grimoire of zero #seikaisuru kado #oushitsu kyoushi haine #tsukigakirei #boku no hero academia 2 #Chesarka watches Grimoire of Zero #Chesarka watches Kado #Chesarka watches Tsukigakirei #Chesarka watches Boku no Hero Academia #Chesarka watches Oushitsu Kyoushi Haine #that was longer than I thought it would be.

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wrestlingisfake · 8 years ago

Text

Wrestle Kingdom 11 preview

This is the 26th annual wrestling show on January 4th in the Tokyo Dome, and the 11th to be called Wrestle Kingdom. The show airs Wednesday evening at 5pm Japan time, so Americans get to pull an all-nighter Tuesday night and Europe will have to skip work Wednesday morning. Or you could just watch it on demand on njpwworld.com, whatever.

Kazuchika Okada vs. Kenny Omega - Okada is defending the IWGP heavyweight title, which is essentially the world championship of New Japan Pro Wrestling. To qualify for this match, Omega won the G1 Climax tournament, becoming the first non-Japanese man to ever do so.

It’s been a big year for Omega, who stepped out of the junior heavyweight division to help fill the void left when AJ Styles, Shinsuke Nakamura, Karl Anderson, and Luke Gallows went to WWE. In short order, Omega turfed out Styles, took over Bullet Club, and then beat Hiroshi Tanahashi for the vacant intercontinental title. He dropped the belt in a ladder match that really put over Michael Elgin, and then delivered a top-notch performance in the G1. Omega can’t replace any of the four guys who jumped to WWE, but he has unquestionably filled the role of “main event foreigner” left behind by Styles. He’s on the rise, and it’s probably time to pull the trigger.

Okada spent most of 2012-2015 under Tanahashi’s shadow, but this year there’s been a clear effort to establish him as THE guy while de-emphasizing Tana. It’s tough to say that has worked. There’s still a feeling that Okada is overpushed, especially when you look at how he dropped the title to Tetsuya Naito earlier this year and then quickly regained it in spite of Naito’s obvious popularity. With that in mind, it’s hard to say whether Okada will go over here, but it’s also hard to say if that’s because putting him over is such a great idea.

Since they’d been in separate weight classes, Omega and Okada hadn’t really crossed paths until this year, and they haven’t wrestled much beyond some tag matches here and there. So I’m hoping this match will feel fresh and innovative, and that it can hold my attention after five hours of the rest of the card.

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if Okada retains, but it would be the most boring thing they can do here. It would be a pretty big moment if Omega climbs all the way to the top of the mountain and captures the title at this, the biggest show in Japan. I don’t know what Omega as champion would mean, but I’ve seen plenty of Okada as champion and I know that doesn’t turn my crank. So even though Kenny is bound to be doing annoying “I am a smark nerd heel so I will heel on you now” stuff, I’ll be pulling for him.

Tetsuya Naito vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi - Tanahashi is challenging for the IWGP intercontinental championship. He was supposed to feud with Omega for this title back in the summer, but an injury sidelined him and Michael Elgin took his place. Elgin won the belt and eventually lost it to Naito, and now Elgin’s the one who’s hurt. So I don’t know if this match is about Tana filling in for a planned Naito/Elgin match, or if it’s about finally getting back to that IC title shot he missed a few months ago.

This is far and away the clearest good guy vs. bad guy match on the card. Tanahashi a beloved hero to all, like WWE wishes John Cena was; Naito is a total jerkwad, the leader of the sinister Los Ingobernables de Japon. New Japan fans have started to like Naito as a “cool heel,” but I don’t know if that goes as far as turning against Tanahashi. This could end up having a Cena vs. CM Punk vibe to it.

The best move, I think, would be for Omega and Naito to both go over at this show, and spend 2017 building to a big showdown between them and their respective stables. (I guess one has to turn face, but I don’t care which.) I think most American promotions would jump at the chance to do that, but NJPW strikes me as being more conservative with their booking, and more protective of their franchise players. It would make a big statement to job Tanahashi and Okada on a January 4 show, but it’s not the kind of statement I’d expect. And since I’m expecting Omega to go over, I’ll predict they play it safe with Tanahashi here.

Katsuyori Shibata vs. Hirooki Goto - Shibata is the defending NEVER openweight champion. These two seem to always seem to be just a step below the real top guys, so you can think of this as the Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz of New Japan. They’re always fighting, except sometimes they’re on the same side, and neither of them ever gets ahead long enough to do anything more important. The main thing these guys have over Dolph and Miz is that they seem like genuine ass-kickers who will beat the fuck out of you, rather than two extras from an 80s movie about challenging the preppies in a sports thing.

I keep thinking they’re about to push Goto any day now, but they always seem to stop short of actually doing it. So, ennh, Shibata wins.

KUSHIDA vs. Hiromu Takahashi - Kushida had just recaptured the IWGP junior heavyweight title when Takahashi made his high-profile return to New Japan and…uh, licked the belt, so now they gotta fight over it. Kushida’s a good dude but it’s pretty obvious he’s gotta lose here. New guy wins.

Tama Tonga & Tanga Roa vs. Togi Makabe & Tomoaki Honma vs. Toru Yano & Tomohiro Ishii - The Guerillas of Destiny (Tonga & Roa) are defending the IWGP heavyweight tag team championship. GBH (Makabe/Honma) earned this title shot by winning the 2016 World Tag League tournament. Yano just sort of wandered back from Pro Wrestling NOAH to add himself to the match, naming Ishii as his partner.

I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen New Japan do a three-way match, so I don’t know if this is like WWE’s triple threat rules (anything goes, first to score a fall wins it all) or if it’s elimination style or gauntlet style or whatever. I have absolutely no idea why they’d add Yano/Ishii to this match except to book some wacky swerve, but that isn’t really New Japan’s style. Then again, it’s totally Yano’s style, so maybe. Certainly if Yano steals a win it sets up months of programs with the other two teams chasing them. So, uh, sure, Yano and Ishii win the titles.

Kyle O’Reilly vs. Adam Cole - O’Reilly just won the Ring of Honor world title from Cole at Final Battle, so this is the rematch. I haven’t been keeping up with ROH but I like that this is the continuation of a major program from ROH storylines, rather than just throwing two random guys out there for a midcard match. Like, the only things I even know about O’Reilly are a) he’s best friends with that hipster guy with the mouthpiece and b) he and Adam Cole want to murder each other. The last O’Reilly/Cole title match involved thumbtacks, I believe, so hopefully this will be similarly intense. I always root for the ROH title to change hands at the Tokyo Dome, but I don’t think they put the title on O’Reilly just to move it back after like a month. O’Reilly wins.

Nick Jackson & Matt Jackson vs. Rocky Romero & Trent Baretta - This is for the IWGP junior heavyweight tag team championship. Roppongi Vice (Romero & Baretta) issued the challenge for this match right after winning the Junior Tag League tournament, and the Young Bucks (Nick & Matt) accepted. I think this is about the 47th time these teams have faced each other for these titles, but I can’t remember the last time it was two-on-two. Usually junior tag title matches end up being clusterfucks with reDragon and Ricochet/Sydal in the mix.

I like RPG Vice because Rocky is a cool dude and Baretta is like his goofball friend that eats McGriddles from Japanese McDonald’s super-early in the morning. The Bucks are like that guy you know who thinks a joke stops being funny if you keep repeating it but then it turns around and becomes even funnier if you repeat it even more. I’ve seen enough Bucks matches to know how this one is gonna go. I’d like for Baretta and Romero to win, but the Bucks have become (for better or worse) a cornerstone of counter-WWE major league wrestling, so it’s like hoping Harlem Heat or the Steiners will beat Hall & Nash. The title stays with Bullet Club.

Satoshi Kojima & Ricochet & David Finlay vs. EVIL & SANADA & BUSHI vs. Bad Luck Fale & Hangman Page & Yuriko Takahashi vs. YOSHI-HASHI & Will Ospreay & Jado - Kojima’s team is defending the NEVER openweight six-man tag team championship. The other trios represent the three major stables in New Japan–Evil’s team is from Los Ingobernables de Japon, Fale’s team is from Bullet Club, and Yoshi’s team is from Chaos. (Jado is replacing Tomohiro Ishii, who was booked for this before being moved to the IWGP tag title match.)

This is a gauntlet match similar to WWE’s “tag team turmoil.” Two teams have a match, and whichever team wins advances to another match with the third team; whoever wins the second match goes on to a final match against the fourth team. The winners of the last match will get/keep the championship. The order of entry in this match hasn’t been announced, except that reportedly the defending champions will enter last, giving them an enormous advantage.

This trios title is kind of a hot potato in New Japan–I get the feeling they don’t like to hot-shot the IWGP championships, but with this one they feel more free to book some crowd-pleasing title changes. Kojima and Ricochet won the belts back in July with Matt Sydal, but when Sydal was busted for pot they had to vacate and re-capture the championship with David Finlay. In the process, Finlay got to suddenly step up from a curtain jerker “young boy” to a genuine undercard guy, so that’s kinda neat. But it’s been about six months with more or less the same team on top, so it’s probably time for a change.

Assuming we get a title change, the outcome may help indicate which stable will be dominant in 2017. I think there are big things coming for Yoshi and Ospreay, but if Chaos were slated to win I don’t think they’d have swapped Ishii for Jado. A Bullet Club win could reinforce the idea that Omega is rebuilding the faction, after a couple of years where everyone thought they had run their course. On the other hand, LIJ is in a position to possibly have all five members holding gold by the end of the night, which would indicate that they’re still the hot new thing and Bullet Club will have to fight to not be yesterday’s news. I’m liking that last scenario best, so I’ll go with LIJ.

Cody Rhodes vs. Juice Robinson - Cody recently left WWE to begin a whirlwind tour of many wrestling promotions. As of this show, he’ll be the first man to appear at WWE’s Wrestlemania, PWG’s Battle of Los Angeles, TNA’s Bound for Glory, ROH’s Final Battle, and Wrestle Kingdom in a single year. Juice, better known to NXT fans as CJ Parker, left WWE a couple of years ago and has been working his way up the card in New Japan. But he’s still little better than a prelim guy, and that makes him the kind of guy they’d feed to a debuting star.

Both guys have a lot to prove, so this should be interesting. For one thing, I’m curious to see if Juice’s act holds up when he’s in there with another white guy his size that’s a bigger name than he is. He stands out among New Japan midcarders, but against Cody he may look more like WWE dark match material. Cody, meanwhile, is just starting to turn heel as a member of Bullet Club, and it’s not clear what his “American Nightmare” character is going to be, or how it’ll stack up with gimmicks like Dashing Cody, Masked Cody, Mustache Cody, and Stardust.

It’s pretty obvious Cody wins here, but I’m more concerned with both guys showing something on this big of a stage. Can’t I just bet that all the horses have a good time?

New Japan Rumble - This is part of the pre-show. It’s a gauntlet match where wrestlers enter at one-minute intervals, similar to WWE’s Royal Rumble except that eliminations occur by pinfall or submission. This mainly exists to ensure everybody on the roster that isn’t otherwise booked (like Hiroyoshi Tenzan or Yoshitatsu) gets to be on the show, and usually there are some old-timers brought in for surprise appearances. One time Haku showed up.

One possible wrinkle that could make this interesting is the working relationship between New Japan and Pro Wrestling NOAH. There are a bunch of New Japan names (like the entire Suzukigun stable) that have been supplementing the NOAH roster for years, but with NOAH recently being sold it’s possible they’re all about to come back. Also, a lot of the usual NJPW/ROH names (reDragon, the Briscoes, Michael Elgin) are notably absent from the card, so they might pop in here. In any event, the outcome of the match probably won’t matter beyond whatever comedy spot they think of to blow it off.

Tiger Mask W vs. Tiger the Dark - Another pre-show match, to promote the new Tiger Mask W cartoon. New Japan has a guy wrestling as Tiger Mask IV in prelim matches, but W is a new iteration of the gimmick. Similarly, Dark is a modern take on Tiger Mask’s archenemy Black Tiger. Dave Meltzer believes Kota Ibushi will be playing W (he has before) and Ring of Honor’s ACH will be playing Tiger the Dark, but I assume NJPW isn’t terribly picky who they stick under the masks.

The last time I saw Ibushi wrestling in the Tiger Mask W gimmick, he had a much more realistic mask than previous Tiger Masks, which didn’t look easy to breathe through. That could affect match quality, but then again they might have tweaked the design a little for this show. I assume W has to win because he’s a superhero and stuff, but Dark looks pretty tough so ya never know.

#njpw #wrestle kingdom 11 #kazuchika okada #kenny omega

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