#I could have gone on longer with this but i think 2000 words of me is enough for anoyone

[unforth]

I keep seeing posts comparing this to 2004 or other past election losses and how this feels the same or similar to those past times.

As another Old who voted in 2004 (and I missed voting in 2000 by a month and was furious about it) I really can't even put into words how vehemently I disagree.

In 2008, I remember very earnestly sitting down with some friends and saying that if somehow McCain beat Obama, I'd have to join the fucking revolution, because I couldn't believe that this country would elect a Republican AGAIN after the previous 8 years of bullshit. I look back now and think how incredibly naive I was, but I also look back now and think, damn, why aren't I 25 NOW? I can't join the revolution now, I'm 41 and I own a house and have two young children and one old parent depending on me.

Because honestly, truly, as someone who has been studying American history since I was 7, as a Civil War buff with expertise on the years before the Civil War, as someone who has at least some memories of every election since 1988... guys, this isn't the same as 2004. I was furious then. Swift Boat bullshit I swear to fucking dog. And I was and still am fairly convinced that the 2000 election was deliberately stolen. But also I still had every reason then to believe in the rule of law.

In 2004, I still believed term limits would be respected.

In 2004, I still believed a person who wasn't elected would demure gracefully to the winner.

In 2004, I still trusted the courts.

In 2004, I still believed that we'd made progress on bigotry.

I could go on, and to be clear, my point isn't "I thought these institutions were ~good~" in literally any objective sense. Y'all are cynical but my generation was raised by, surrounded by, Vietnam vets and trust me, there was no way to be a kid, seeing what the 70s did to this country, and not come out as cynical and furious as the best of um. (My grandfather was a World War 2 vet, as were his close friends. My father and both his brothers are Vietnam vets, tho my dad didn't go overseas.) But I did believe that even corrupt institutions, even broken racist systems, even fucking Republicans, would follow basic norms of democracy. They said they believed in the constitution and I believed them. I believed that, like Nixon, truly getting caught doing something insane would at least force a mea culpa and turn public opinion. I believed...

Well, I guess it doesn't matter.

Because I no longer believe any of that.

I have watched the guard rails disappear over my lifetime. I have watched the party who once spent 2 years pursuing a guy over a BJ in the oval office elect a convicted rapist. I have watched and at times I've participated and I've voted and I've organized and I've protested and I've read the news more days than not and I've lived and I've grown and I've learned.

I have been an adult, legally, for almost 24 years now.

Guys... there are no norms remaining on the far right. The guard rails are gone. The Fascists control the White House, the senate, the Supreme Court, and things aren't looking promising for the House.

The bus has no brakes anymore. They think they have a mandate - and I can't blame them, as horrifying as this mandate is, because if things had gone the other way and Harris had gotten these results I'd also think it was a mandate.

Please sit with what this means: Trump and the Republican party said, "hand us the reins and we'll make everyone you hate hurt," and more than half the people who bothered to vote said "sure buddy, here goes." We don't have a usurper this time. This is the country that the majority of Americans said they wanted. Whether they come to regret that or not, they saw open Fascism and went "oh yes, count me in." And it wasn't because of the electoral college this time. It was because this country is so bigoted and misogynistic that they'd rather have this than a woman of color in the office.

I'm sick of "well she didn't run a good campaign." (Lie.) I'm sick of, "well we didn't get a primary." (Who cares?) I'm *extremely* sick of "well, Palestine." (Yes! Democrats actions have made the suffering there so much worse! It fucking sucks! You know what's about to suck so much worse?)

15 million people who showed up for Joe Biden couldn't be fussed to place a vote for Kamala Harris. Whatever their reason for not voting, we all knew the outcome if she lost. And seeing open fascism didn't fire them up enough to make the effort, and that's fucking pathetic. The consequences of the worst happening mattered so little to them that they couldn't be fucking bothered to make the minimum effort to stop it, and now millions of people will suffer as a result.

Because here we are: the huge swathe of the country who wanted a strongman now have one.

Look, I don't know what happens next. But I do know, and remember keenly: after 2016, Trump did, or at least tried to do, most of the things he said he'd do. When he was stopped, it was often because of career government employees: judges, bureaucrats, etc. And this time, he's said he's going to purge those people. I don't know if he'll succeed, but I certainly believe he'll try.

This is not 2004 again.

This is 2024. The Republicans have ripped the mask to shreds, shredded apart the book of political norms, and empowered hate, and they've been handed a governmental mandate for stamped "have at with our blessing!" in exchange.

And now they'll use that mandate to make everyone they hate suffer: people of color, queer people, trans people, immigrants, non-Christians.

Don't assume the worst can't happen. I am a Jew, and I have a photo album full of black and white photos of dead people that constantly reminds me: the worst has happened and it can happen again.

Do not despair. Despair is enervating. Be furious. As we should be. These douche bags are repulsive. Be prepared to fight. Be prepared to flee. Be prepared to defend. Don't assume you simply can't do something. There's always something to do, and even the smallest act of defiance can help. There's never any knowing until after which acts of resistance will end up galvanizing the good and just out of their apathy. But that apathy is the enemy.

Because none of this is normal. None of this is "just like when..." Please stop saying it is.

And before anyone screams "privilege" at me, yes, I am in many ways. I'm white. I have access to some generational money even tho my own family lives paycheck to paycheck - we won't be rich but have enough of a support network to be comfortable. I live in a blue area of a blue state. But I'm also a woman (legally speaking, at least) married to another woman - since before Oberkfell, and yes I remember exactly what steps we had planned any time we wanted to leave our state. My wife has physical disabilities. We have two children. Both are biracial (half black). One is trans. We are caring for an elderly parent. I am Jewish and as my kids' birth parent, so are they. I own a publishing company that publishes the exact kinds of queer and kinky lit these people intend to ban. We tick so many boxes of what these people hate.

I know ya'll are scared. Trust me, I'm terrified. But fear is paralyzing. And that won't help. Whatever happens, don't lie down and take this shit.

When Gore lost I was one month shy of my 18th birthday and already in college. I have been fighting my entire adult life, and I'm exhausted. I'm much less able to fight now, much more tied down with responsibilities. But the fight isn't over. I'm checking our passports. I'm packing a go bag. I've convinced one vulnerable friend to move here and I have another who wants to and we're figuring out how to make that happen. I'm protecting who I can, starting with putting on my mask first. I don't know what will happen but if in the end all I can do is uproot my entire life to protect my children then I am preparing to do so. I can at least save them if no one else.

None of this is normal.

And I'm not sure, after Trump's in office, that anything will ever be normal again in the US. At least not the old normal. And there are ways that's a good thing, so many ways that the old normal sucked for so many people, and I'm optimistic that there's a bright future ahead, but man it looks far away right now. I don't want to go back to the old normal, and I want to be part of establishing a kinder, more just, more equal new normal, but we're a long way from there.

Whatever happens, we must endure. We must survive. We must support each other. We must find our allies and be prepared to compromise with them. Don't try to save everyone. You'll fail. Help even one person and you can change the world. Everyone things they can't do everything and so do nothing. That's insane. Do a single thing and it will be better than nothing. One phone call. One letter. One act of defiance. Very few people get the opportunity to grand gestures that matter, and the rest of us will die waiting for that moment. But the secret is that what makes those moments - the time when one person is in the right place at the right time for their action to matter - is built on millions of small moments by millions of people doing what little they can to make things slightly better. Think of every iconic photograph of a Sole Resistor you know of and think about every single tiny thing that had to happen for that moment to occur. Most of us will never me that one person, but that one person is a myth anyway. Countless tiny unseen moments create those myths. Doing literally anything is better than doing nothing.

And tooth and nail, quietly and loudly, in our homes and our towns and cities, during protests or when they come for our neighbors, we must fight.

[slaybestieslay946]

Stay

pairing: paul atreides x reader

word count: 2000

warnings: light angst with a happy ending

summary: you are the empress of the known universe alongside paul atreides, however, you dont agree with what hes doing, so you give him an ultimatum.

You had always loved the rain. Especially on Caladan. Yes, on your home planet it had rained fairly frequently, but it wasn’t the same. The rain on Caladan came down by the bucket full, not measly little drops. Each minute sheets of water fell from the sky like rolls of silver fabric. 

The only thing that lulled you to sleep more effectively than rain on a window, was the slow, contented breathing of your husband beside you, and the slow movement of his fingers brushing against your waist. Every now and again he’d re-adjust his position to get even closer to you. 

Usually he fell asleep before he was practically clinging to you, but tonight was not one of those occasions. 

“Paul,” You laughed breathily, pushing away from him a bit in order to spin in his arms and face him. 

He groaned in complaint as you moved away from him and opened his eyes blearily. 

“Why’re you moving away…” He complained, trying to pull you back to him. 

“Because you’re practically on top of me, I’m not a hot water bottle.” You chided, although the teasing smile on your face gave away your true feelings. 

“No, you’re better.” He said, a sly smile on his face, “Now c’mere, I’m cold.” 

You sighed, but did as he said, tugging his arm around you and lacing your fingers together. 

You could feel Paul’s smile on the back of your neck as he found a way to hold you even closer. 

“I love you.” He whispered, and you replied in kind, the smile that formed on your face certain to match the one he was currently wearing. 

“Promise you’ll stay with me?” 

“Mhm. I promise.” 

Now, as you paced nervously around the hangar, you couldn’t help but think back to that promise you had made. At the time, you thought that nothing could tear you away from Paul Atreides, not the sun nor the stars. 

Of course, you could never have planned for him becoming Emperor of the known universe. And you could have never known that it would be him tearing the both of you apart. 

At first, when you had been planning your escape, you had hoped that the aircraft would arrive before your husband. That was before you remembered who your husband was now. He would notice you were gone almost immediately, so you had to plan for confrontation, not avoid it. 

“What is this?” A voice came from the entrance to the hangar, echoing through the cavernous room and into your ears. He didn’t sound angry, merely confused.

You turned to face him and his expression was just what you thought it would be, torn between angry and distressed. In his hand, he held the note which you had written, telling him to meet you down here.

“I am leaving, Paul. For Caladan.” You said firmly, turning to face him. 

He smiled weakly, shaking his head, “Why all the smoke and mirrors? If you wanted to return home you should have said so. I would have prepared a ship for us both-”

“Because I am not going with you.” You interrupted, your voice harsh.

“What do you mean? It is not exactly typical for the Empress to leave her husband days after the coronation.” He laughed, but it was not the melodic sound you had once loved, instead it was forced, choked even. 

“Well, you are not the typical Emperor. I am leaving, and you will not follow me.” You stated, remaining firm, even as your heart threatened to betray your mind and run back to him. 

Paul just stared at you, his face painted white in shock. 

“Why?” He asked, his voice cracking.

“Because I can no longer stay by your side and watch you become this. You are becoming someone I do not recognise.” 

“My love, what are you talking about-?”

“I'm talking about this, Paul! Your holy war! You do remember that, don’t you? The war you swore to me you’d do anything to stop? And now, here you are, at its forefront.”

“I had no choice.” He said, his eyes hardening slightly.

“You always have a choice. You are their so-called ‘messiah’. Their emperor. They would fly into the sun if you asked them to. So ask them, stop this war before it consumes everything.”

“You know it is not that simple!” He shouted, and you couldn’t help but flinch slightly before rallying yourself.

“The man I married on Caladan would not have cared about simplicity. He would have cared about what was right, what was moral! He would never have entered this conflict, he would have laid down his life to prevent it! And I would have been right beside him.” 

“This conflict was inevitable! I am doing my very best to minimise the damage, can’t you understand that?”

“I understand that you are still not doing enough.”

Paul looked at you, incredulously, anger filling his gaze, “Really? How can I do more when my own wife does not believe in me! You claim to support me, and yet now you are leaving me. My position is still weak, and you leave the only man you have ever claimed to love.”

“Your position! You are faced with the massacre of your people and all you can speak of is your position!?. Have you no soul left Paul? Did it melt away on Arrakis, scorched by the sun?” 

Suddenly all the anger and venom drained from Paul’s face, and he found himself dropping to his knees, and begging you to stay. 

“You are my soul. You have been all these years. You keep me balanced, you are my morality, my goodness. Everything I do is for you, my love, for your safety. I only care about my position for it is your position also, all the power I have acquired is only in the name of keeping you from harm.”

You looked at him, staring deeply into his eyes, that piercing blue that you had thought so beautiful when they finally changed. Now they were just a reminder of how much he had changed since coming to this awful place. 

“I want to believe you. But you have always had such a way with words. I watched the way you deceived those people into following you, is that what you’re doing now?” 

He rose to his feet again, taking your hands in his. His face was frantic with fear. 

“I would never deceive you. I mean every word, I’ve felt this way my whole life. You are the most important thing to me. You know I would never lie to you.”

For the first time since the conversation began, you hesitated slightly. Could you believe him? Eventually, you landed on an answer. 

“...I do. You would never lie to me on purpose. You are lying to yourself too Paul. You know that I have never wanted position, nor power, heavens, I have never even wanted safety! All I have ever wanted is you, wholly, truly, with no barriers-”

“And you have me!” 

You reached up to splay your hand across his cheek, wiping away the tears that threatened to spill from his blue-blue eyes. 

“No, I don’t have you. I have splinters of you, and I fear the rest is lost. You may bear the resemblance of the man I love, but you are not him.”

He opened his mouth to protest, but no sound came out. 

Suddenly there was the immense whirring of gears, and you knew your ship was here to take you to Caladan.

“I’m afraid we do not have much time, so listen to what I say,” He didn’t react, his face remaining desperate and heartbroken, but you continued anyway.

“If you finally realise what you have done, and you fix it, come to me on Caladan. But I don’t want to see the Muad’dib, or the ‘Messiah’, or the Kwisatz Haderach. The only man I wish to see is my husband, Paul Atreides. Remember that Paul.” 

You gave him one last longing look before turning away from him, and making towards the ship that was emerging from the floor of the hangar.

“I’ll see you again?” He called, his voice cracking slightly as he stared after your retreating form in defeat. 

“Hopefully so, my love, hopefully so.” 

And with that, you stepped onto the outstretched platform of the ship, and shut the door behind you. Paul stayed in the hangar until the craft was gone, biting his tongue so as not to call out to you again and beg you to stay.  

*

The message that the Emperor would be coming to visit you had come far sooner than you expected.  

And you were disappointed in him. He was breaking your agreement, and so soon. It had only been a year, and to your knowledge there had been no change in the situation.

 Perhaps he was coming to ask for a divorce, maybe he’d found someone else since you left. That would certainly be ironic, considering the way he had begged for you to stay on Arrakis. 

However, you were incorrect, because only a few days later a messenger came to tell you that the jihad had ended.         

Immediately you leapt out of your seat, clasping your hand over your mouth in shock. He had done it. 

For the next few days, Castle Caladan was abuzz with preparations for the Emperor returning home. You oversaw said preparations with a watchful eye, and though you wouldn’t admit it, you were happier than you had been in years. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you had missed Paul terribly. 

Yet, when his ship landed, you were nowhere to be found. 

“Where is my wife?” Paul asked one of your ladies in waiting as he strode through the halls of his childhood home. 

“My lord, she left on a walk to the cliffs this morning, and has not returned since. Would you like me to send someone to fetch her?”

The Emperor’s harsh expression softened slightly. “No, I’ll go.” 

It didn’t take Paul long to work out where you had gone, and as he climbed one of the paths up to the cliffs, he was glad to see you sitting on one of the benches, clad in the green silks of house Atreides. 

He called your name, and his voice cut through the gusting winds into your ear, and you turned to face him with a searching look on your face. 

You stood, and couldn’t help but jog towards your husband, gathering your skirts so you didn’t trip and make a fool of yourself. However, you stopped short of running into his arms, opting to stand just in front of him so you could inspect his face properly. 

“Is it you, Paul? Have you finally come back to me?” You asked, your voice cracking slightly. 

“It’s me,” He whispered, reaching a hand out to touch you, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, what I was doing was wrong, and I know that now, and-!”

You cut off his rambling apology by surging forwards into his arms and kissing him fiercely. He immediately responded in kind, wrapping an arm around your waist and cradling your head in his hand, whilst you held onto the lapels of his coat as tightly as you could. 

Despite the fact you wanted to stay like that forever, eventually the need for oxygen prevailed, and you broke away to take a deep breath in, laughing lightly at the sight of his flushed face. 

He grinned at you, moving the hand that was on the back of our head back to your cheek, brushing his thumb along your face. 

“You missed me?” He asked, teasing, but his voice had a slight edge of concern to it. 

“Yes. I missed you so much.” You said immediately, emphatically. Because you had missed Paul, it felt as if you hadn’t seen the real him for years, and the feeling of being reunited was almost too much for you to contain. 

He let out a short sigh of relief, “I missed you too. But it’s ok, because I’ve fixed it all. They still think I’m their messiah, but I’m going to stop acting like it. And you were right, I was power hungry, and selfish, and I exploited so many people, and I betrayed you, and-”

“Enough, Paul.” You said, looking at him with so much care that he couldn’t help but smile softly, “Yes, you have made mistakes, but it wasn’t all your fault. And you’ve made a change now, you’re doing the right thing. And I’ll always be there for you. I had to leave to help you, but I knew we’d see each other again. And here we are, back home, just like old times.” 

“You’re right.” 

“I often am, my love.” 

He wrapped his arms around you once again, “Will you stay with me, here?” 

You nodded, “Mhm. I’ll stay for good this time.”

[bunnliix]

Can't Stay Away from You - Chapter Two

The outline for this chapter, was over 2000 words, so as you can see, I had ideas lol. We get a bit more attention on the boys this chapter, but we do see what's up with y/n as well! Honestly, this series seems to be longer chapters, so the updates will be slower for this story. But either way, I hope this is an enjoyable chapter two!

masterlist

word count: 5.7k

warnings: Angst, fluff eventually, protective members, scenting, scent highs, cute moments because yes we need it, multiple distressed and panicked people, crying, tears, I think that's it?

“Why did you ever think it was a good idea to give her, a random Stay, your number? What in the world compelled you to think it was a good idea?! She could have been a sasaeng for all we know, and you just gave her your number all willy nilly?!” Minho just about exploded on the pack alpha, criticizing his frankly stupid decision.

“You know very well that we’re all pulled to her for some reason. Hell, my alpha wanted to grab her, pull her into my arms, and scent her, right in front of every fan in that room. And I’m pretty fucking sure that everyone else felt something similar to that. So don’t you criticize me on this Minho. I thought about it before I gave her my number. I took a chance, wanting to get to know that girl who captivated even you. Don’t think I didn’t see you watching her after your turn, I saw it all.” Chan went after Minho, feeling enraged after hearing the man’s words.

By the end of his words, Chan was chest to chest with Minho, almost ready to fight with him. Minho is ready to fight his pack alpha, wanting to get it into his thick head how much he could have risked their pack’s safety over this. 

“Do you realize how badly this could have gone?! We’re lucky that she hasn’t yet done something. She could post your number out into the world for all we know. And yet you’re standing here, telling me it’s worth it because she interests you? I thought my pack leader, and the leader of my group, was more responsible than that.” Minho said, his words cutting like knives.

A noise at the door stopped their conversation, Minho moving to open the door, their two omegas falling onto the floor. The two of them looked sheepishly up at their alphas, knowing they were caught in the worst way. The two alphas weren’t impressed, as the omegas knew better than to eavesdrop, and they raised an eyebrow at the two until the apologies came rolling in. 

“And you two were listening in, why?” Chan questioned them, as they looked down at the floor.

“Jagiya dragged you in here, and we were curious why he needed to talk to you so urgently.” Han answered Chan, before looking up at him. “Do you really have y/n’s number??” He hurried to ask, even though it meant Minho gave him a look for asking at all.

“Yah! That’s what you gained from listening in? That Christopher has the girl’s number?” Minho scolded the younger man.

“Well, yeah. It means we can talk with her!” Jisung says, completely ignoring Minho’s growing glare.

“I am surrounded by fucking idiots I swear.” Minho comments, voice and face giving away just how done he was with the alpha and omega pair. 

Felix wisely stayed quiet, hoping that he’d be forgotten about. Unfortunately, that was not going to happen, as both alphas turned to him. 

“How much did you hear?” Chan asked.

“I heard everything.” Felix answered, hoping that the less he gave away, the better off he’d be. Once again, he was wrong.

“Where do you stand on this, then?” Minho queried.

“I can’t say that I’m not excited that Chan has y/n’s number, but also I can understand your concerns, Minho-hyung.” Felix explains, feeling torn between both sides. 

Chan smirked triumphantly, as Minho sighed. Why are his packmates like this? His own alpha told him that he’s the same way, that he’s being a hypocrite. He shut out his wolf, focusing back on the present situation. 

Since he didn’t get scolded for his words, Felix decided to be a bit cheeky. He teased Minho about his reaction to the girl, before getting stuck in a headlock by the alpha. 

“I’m not wrong!” He shouted out. Minho only growls in response.

This triggers Han to laugh, before running out of the room, calling out that the great alpha Minho was interested in y/n too, no matter what he said to oppose that thought. Said alpha let Felix go and ran after the other omega, intent on murdering him. 

“You little shit, get back here!” He screamed out at the rapper, chasing after him.

“I don’t think so!” Han called back, a cheeky smile plastered on his face. The other observed this chase and laughed at the two of them. This was prime entertainment, after all. Felix and Chan made their way out to the living room, where the majority of the pack had settled, watching the alpha omega pair race around the house in a very scooby doo sort of fashion. 

Eventually Jisung was cornered by the older alpha, and was swiftly pushed up against a wall. Minho attacked the omega’s scent gland, Jisung quickly went into a scent high, going limp in the alpha’s arms. Minho smirked victoriously, bringing the now quiet omega over to sit down on the couch, keeping him in his lap. Seungmin emerged from his room, the last member to join them all in the living room.

“Well, I guess we might as well have the pack meeting now.” Chan piped up, all attention turning to him. 

“What about?” Seungmin asked.

“About y/n.” Chan quickly replied, and that got everyone’s attention. The boys’ attention was solely focused on their pack alpha, well besides Jisung whose head was resting on Minho’s shoulder, the omega still a melted puddle.

The boys started to get louder, each discussing about y/n, before Chan shushed them all. 

“During the fanmeet, I gave y/n my number when signing her album. She messaged me while we were on the way back here. I confirmed it’s actually her, and I know that all of us were interested in her, I could tell by how none of you could shut up about her on the drive home.” He told them, and they all started clamoring for her number.

“Yah! Shut up!” Minho interjected, and they all quickly settled as none of them wanted to earn the man’s ire. 

Chan continued once the noise level had dropped, “My alpha also is attracted to her, at the fansign, it wanted me to pull her into my arms and scent her, everyone else be damned. I know Minho’s alpha was behaving similarly.”

Minho sighed as all attention was directed to him. “My alpha didn’t want to let her go. And wanted to take her and keep her in our nest. And he wouldn’t shut up about how pretty Felix and her would look together in our nest.” He spoke.

This admission from the dancer caused a round of teasing by the rest of the pack. They teased him and his alpha for wanting to essentially kidnap a fan because she was so pretty. Felix sat there blushing, the thought of y/n and him in a nest together painted a pretty picture in his mind, leaving him desiring for that to happen.

Fairly quickly afterwards, the remainder of the boys also speak up about their feelings, except for Han, but Felix shares the other omega’s feelings in his stead. They all found that if their wolves hadn’t outright talked about her, that they at least felt drawn or pulled to her. 

Changbin quickly brought the conversation back around to Chan having her number, which then brought back the clamoring by the others, bar Minho and Han, for their leader to pass on her number to them. Chan sternly told them that he would have to get her permission first before he would even think of handing out her number, which then spurs on calls for him to text her right then and there to ask, as well as a couple of pouts at Chan not immediately giving her number.

The leader sighed, before pulling his phone out and pulling up their texts. 

‘Hey there. So the others found out that I have your number, and they want it as well. I won’t pass it on to them unless I have your express permission to do so.’ He texted y/n.

It took a minute before she responded, and by the time she did, the boys had crowded around him and his phone. 

‘That’s fine! You can give it to them, I don’t mind.’ She replied to him.

“Oh! Ask her if we can have a group chat too!!” Hyunjin shouted out, making Changbin and Felix cover their ears.

‘And I have been asked to ask you if you’re okay with a group chat with the whole group.’ He passed on the question to her.

‘That’s okay with me as well. I assume it was Felix who wanted it? Or Han?’ She asked him.

‘Hyunjin, actually.’ He texted.

‘Ahhh, that would have been my third guess.’ She replied, and he laughed.

Hyunjin pouted, as did Felix, at being so predictable.

Chan quickly created a group chat, adding y/n to it last. As he predicted, the chat quickly fell into chaos. The boys all wanted her attention, and he had to step in to tell them to cool it, both by text and verbally. There were more pouts this time, the boys unhappy about being scolded. 

Since the industry has a habit of not disclosing the idol’s designations to fans since that incident at the fansign, and the pack of boys not knowing what y/n’s designation is, that’s the first thing after introductions to be discussed. Y/n is the first to spill, telling them that she is an omega, to which Felix chimed in as well. Though he already knew that, and was trying to cover up for the growing pool of guilt in his stomach at hiding it. Chan tells her that Han is the other omega of their group. Changbin, Hyunjin and Sungmin all tell her that they’re the betas, Seungmin noting afterwards that he’s the pack beta. This left Jeongin, Minho and Chan as the alphas, with Chan specifying that he’s the pack alpha. 

Y/n was thankful to know what each of the boys was, and now knows why she probably felt the most at ease with Chan, Han and Felix, with two of them being fellow omegas and one being a pack alpha. They start to discuss other topics, though the maknaes try to persuade her to reveal who her bias was, but she kept her mouth shut on that matter. They move on to getting to know her, 20 questions style but really, it was just them asking her questions instead of her asking them any questions.

During all of this, Chan notes that Felix is unusually quiet, which is odd because of how excited he was only five minutes prior. He’s usually the big texting person in the group, and yet he’s barely texting at all, just staring down at his phone. 

Felix is feeling the guilt settle in his chest, weighing him down almost. He can’t push himself to be part of the conversation, only staring down at his phone, slowly drifting away from reality. He can’t help but feel guilty, he ran away from her, and his omega had been berating him for his actions since then. He only jolted back into reality when Chan reached out to shake him, asking if he was okay. The freckled Aussie fakes a smile and tells his alpha that he’s fine. He knew he had to come clean, there was no other way around it. It wasn’t fair to keep her in the dark about this, but it also wouldn’t be fair to drop this over text.

Before he can regret it, he texted her in the group chat, ‘Are you free to call? There’s something you need to know.’ 

This set the pack into pandemonium, thinking that Felix was going to tell her about their feelings. Chan and Minho reach out for his phone, but the omega moves faster, moving out of everyone’s reach. 

A ding was heard as she replied, ‘I’m free right now, Felix. What’s up?’ 

Deciding to just call her instantly, to avoid himself backing out, and to keep the others away from him.

“Hey Felix, what’s up? What did you wanna talk about?” She asked him as soon as she picked up.

“I knew you were an omega.” He blurted out.

“How? You shouldn’t have been able to tell at the fansign, not with my scent covered.” She replied, confused at how he knew.

“I met you before the fansign, actually.” He admitted to her, and the others.

“I think I would have known if we met.” She started, before going silent.

“Y/n?” Felix tentatively called out to the omega over the phone.

“No, we couldn’t have. That was you?” He hears her say, both to him and to herself. 

“It was me. I’m sorry for what I did.” He told her.

“Felix-” She started, but he interrupted her.

“I’m sorry for bumping into you, and I’m so sorry that I ran away. My omega’s been berating me for it since I ran. I figured I’d never run into you again, but then you turned up at the fansign and when you didn’t recognize me, I thought that I just had to get through it and it would all be okay.” He apologized, and explained to the best of his ability.

His heart dropped as he heard a tiny gasp before a sob was heard from her side of the call. He hadn’t meant to make her cry, it was the last thing he had meant to happen. The others hear the sob and it’s enough to shock Han out of his scent high, his instincts on alert almost immediately.

“I didn’t say anything at the fansign because I didn’t think it was a good place to do so, nevermind the backlash that either of us may have faced. I had such a good time talking to you I swear. My omega’s honestly been yearning for you since yesterday, and I’m sorry I was cowardly and ran away. I was just so overwhelmed by everything I was feeling and my omega’s thoughts and urges and I couldn’t think of anything else to do but to run. I’m sorry y/n, for the hurt I caused you. I only hope you can forgive me.” He further explained, hoping that she would accept his apology, but know full well that she didn’t have to. Tears running out of his eyes by the end of his little speech. 

The rest of the pack could only watch on, concerned about both omega’s but unsure of whether to intervene at all. 

“Thank you for telling me, Felix. And thank you for apologizing. In the vein of being honest, after you ran, I went back to the hotel yesterday, because I had been overcome with a feeling of loneliness, and sadness. I made up a nest and after getting in it, I cried myself to sleep almost. My omega cried out for you, she was the most hurt by your actions.” Y/n admitted to not only Felix, but the rest of the boys unknowingly. 

Felix started sobbing, as did y/n. Both omega’s feeling great amounts of sadness, and each feeding off of the other’s emotions. Chan decided it was time to step in, pulling Felix in close and hugging the younger man, taking the phone from his hand and handing it off to Minho as the alpha stepped closer, Han by his side. The other omega wrapped his arms around Felix, providing further comfort.

“Y/n? This is Minho. Can I ask for more details?” The elder alpha asked the girl.

She explained from the beginning, going over the two omega’s first encounter, and ending it with what she had said before, about falling asleep in her nest due to her emotions overtaking her. She told him that she had no idea it was Felix, that for all she knew, it was just a random stranger who smelled amazing, but had just run out of the blue. 

As she continued to talk to Minho, her sentences eventually devolved into sobs and cries instead, fearing that she hurt Felix. Her sobs continued, worrying Minho that she’d start to hyperventilate and pass out because of it. He started to try and calm her over the phone, looking over to see that most of the group had crowded around Felix, trying to calm the omega down, though it wasn’t working. 

Y/n could barely hear Minho’s voice, her sobs having grown louder as she tugged at her shirt, whining and crying that she had made Felix upset. She hadn’t wanted to do that, and she wished she could take back what she said. She curled in on herself, her omega feeling as sad as she was, neither of them wanted this to happen. Her scent soured, smelling bitter now, instead of sweet like it normally did.

Minho called out to the omega, “Y/n? Can you hear me?” 

He only received a whine in reply, but it was better than nothing. 

“Omega, I need you to verbally answer me.” He told her, not wishing to call her that, but knowing it will help bring her back at least slightly.

“Can hear ya.” He heard her mumble.

“Good omega.” He praised her. “Thank you for answering me.”

He doesn’t think she’s going to fully calm down soon, and he’s worried about her dropping, so decided that he needed to go see her. He asked her where her hotel was, receiving the name of a hotel, which he was able to discover wasn’t far from their dorm. He told her to stay calm for him and to keep breathing. 

He caught Chan’s attention, the pack alpha motioning for him to come closer. 

“I’m going to see y/n, she’s in as much distress as he is right now. I’m worried she’ll pass out.” He says quietly, trying not to let the others hear, though his effort is for naught.

Felix and Hyunjin whined at what they overheard, the omega of the two freaking out further that the other omega was in distress because of him, enough so that she might pass out. Felix himself started to hyperventilate, worrying about y/n getting hurt while she’s all alone.

“Alpha, protect omega?” He managed to get out, directing it at Minho.

“We’re gonna protect you baby, don’t worry.” Chan reassured him.

“Not ‘mega, pretty ‘mega.” Tears welled up in Felix’s eyes as they weren’t understanding him. 

“I’m going to go help pretty ‘mega, okay kitten?” Minho said, running his hands through Felix’s hair, pushing his bangs back as he did so.

Felix nodded, before devolving into further worry, his omega taking over at that point. Tears were falling at a fast pace down the blue haired omega’s cheeks and his distressed scent almost made the others choke. Finally, to calm him down and having no other option, Chan scruffed the younger Aussie, causing him to go limp in the leader’s arms. Han grabs Seungmin, and the two start scenting their omega, trying to bring back that happy citrusy scent that they know and love.

Chan motions for Minho to go see y/n, or they’ll be dealing with a distressed omega all night.

“Go on, go see her. Take Hyunjin with you.” Chan ordered the two of them.

They quickly threw their shoes back on, taking the minimum they needed to get out the door. Hyunjin pulled his phone out, getting directions to her hotel. They hurried down the streets to her hotel, somewhat relieved that they made it there in under 20 minutes. 

They rushed into the hotel lobby, y/n having given her room number prior to them leaving the dorm thankfully. They pushed the button for her room, but of course they weren’t alone in the elevator, and it seemed that people had to stop and get out on every single floor. Finally they arrived on her floor, running down the hall to find her room, Hyunjin finding it first.

Minho knocked on the door gently, but loud enough that y/n could hear it. They heard noise from inside the room, before the door slowly opened. Y/n looked a mess, tear-stained cheeks and swollen red eyes from crying. She was still having trouble regulating her breathing, her breath hitching and shaking as she looked up at them. 

“Hi.” She said, barely louder than a whisper. 

Minho, on pure instinct, picked her up and carried her in his arms, one hand pushing her head into his neck and scent gland, letting her scent him if she wanted to. He brought her to her nest in the bed, laying her in it as he stayed outside of it. He looked at her for permission to enter her nest, and she quickly granted it. He crawled into bed almost instantaneously, pulling the omega into his lap and wrapping his arms around her. He rocked her back and forth, letting her scent him as much as she needed. Minho was just there to comfort her without judgment, as she cried into his shoulder. He softly cooed and whispered comforting words to her, telling her that Felix was fine, that the others were with him and that he would be fine, just as she would be fine.

Hyunjin was waiting outside the nest, knowing better than to climb inside without the omega’s permission. At that point, y/n had calmed down quite a bit, and had taken to scenting Minho, which Hyunjin knew the alpha would never let strangers do. Yet here he was, allowing her to do what she needed for comfort. It really did prove that connection they all felt, that the older alpha willingly left Felix in distress to come and see y/n, and even was acting on instinct to calm an omega he had only met briefly hours earlier. 

Minho caught y/n’s attention, pointing to the beta who was waiting. She immediately made grabby hands for the tall dancer, who smiled as he climbed into the nest.

“Hello little omega.” He cooed in greeting, getting a smile and a blush in response.

“Hiii beta.” She said, before hiding her face in Minho’s shoulder, to which the two men chuckled. 

Hyunjin moved close to her, rubbing her back softly. Her scent was still soured, which worried the two of them. It meant that she still hadn’t fully come back from her distress, or was hiding how bad it was. Except for the fact that scents never lied, so the two of them changed positions, laying down in the nest on their sides facing each other, with y/n in the middle of them. They took turns scenting her and trying to get her scent to brighten up. 

“It’s okay, omega. Everyone’s okay, no one’s upset or mad, you’ve done nothing wrong. Your feelings are valid, and we can talk everything out with Felix later, okay? But we need you to feel better first. We can’t have a sad omega, hmm?” Minho continued to reassure her, telling her that Felix would be distressed to see her like this.

Sometime after they arrived, y/n’s scent finally started to smell better, sweeter. Hyunjin’s beta and Minho’s alpha can’t get enough of her scent, the sweet honey and vanilla was so delicious. The boys felt the same way, the two of them chuffing in happiness. This was all strangely intimate for three people who had only met hours earlier, but there was a sense of rightness as they all laid together. It felt like this is what they should be doing, like they were just laying with another one of their packmates, not an omega they had met that day. 

Y/n’s omega was purring in happiness at being in between the alpha and beta. Her omega was loving this, even if it only happened because of a bad situation. The happier she gets, the more delectable her scent gets, and soon enough, the boys can’t help themselves. The two of them descend on her scent glands, attacking them in order to get more of that pretty scent to come out and their wolves want to smell like her, want her pretty omega scent all over them, as a claim of sorts. This attack almost causes y/n to go into a scent high, thankfully for her, they get interrupted before that happens.

Minho picked up her phone to see Chan calling her. He answered, “Hello Channie alpha.” 

“Hello Minho. How is y/n doing? Is she feeling better? I tried to get a hold of both of you, but neither you nor Hyunjin answered.” Chan questioned him, concerned. 

“We’ve taken good care of her, she’s feeling better now.” Minho replied.

“Y/n’s okay? She’s really okay?” Felix’s voice comes through the phone.

Y/n took this as her time to speak up. “I’m okay, Felix. I promise. Are you okay too, sunshine?” She turned the questions back on him.

“I’m okay, I promise!” He told her, wanting her to not be concerned about him.

The two omegas started chatting on other topics, but before long, Chan interrupted them and told them to save the conversation for another time. They both pouted, the respective boys on either side chuckling at their expressions. 

“Minho, Hyunjin, what are your plans now? Are you returning to the dorm now?” He broached the topic of what they would do, now that y/n’s been calmed down.

Hyunjin speaks up first, “Can we bring her back with us? Don’t want to leave her here alone.” Minho hummed in agreement.

Their wolves were insistent on not leaving her here by herself. What if she got distressed again, and they weren’t here to soothe her? That couldn’t be allowed. 

“We want her to come back with us. Omega shouldn’t be left alone.” Minho affirmed Hyunjin’s words. 

The use of omega tipped off Chan that Minho was not fully in control at the moment. That made him concerned, and their insistence really shocked the others, not expecting them to want to bring her back. 

Well, everyone except for Han, he wasn’t shocked that they were behaving like this. Han knew that there was something about her that pulled them in, and he was fully on board with her coming to their dorm. If Minho’s alpha was that protective over her, he knew that she was safe to be around. The man’s alpha is protective over his pack, and he’d never let anyone in that he deemed a threat. Plus, his alpha was right, when he said she’d look cute in their nest. He wanted that too, wanted her and Felix in the nest. She’d be their little omega, that they’d keep safe, and by Felix’s concern, he thought the same. 

“I want her here. Minho-jagi, bring her please.” The quokka-cheeked man spoke up, to everyone’s surprise. Thankfully, no one protested it, and Chan gave in, saying she could come and stay the night, to a round of cheers.

Chan sighed, before calling out to y/n, asking her, “Y/n, do you want to come here and stay with us for the night? You can say no, and I will come and get the boys. But you are welcome here if you want that.”

Y/n nodded, forgetting that Chan couldn’t see her nod. 

Minho caught her attention, “Omega, we need a verbal answer.”

She blushes in embarrassment, “I’d like that.” 

Honestly, she’s still in shock about it all, from getting Chan’s number to now laying here in between two-thirds of Danceracha, and she’s about to go back with them to their dorm. What is this life she’s living right now?

Her omega was thinking about getting to smell Felix’s sweet citrusy smell again. Plus the floral scents coming from Hyunjin, and what she could only think of as a clean laundry scent from Minho. Her omega is increasingly pleased with her situation, knowing that she wanted these boys as her pack, even if y/n hadn’t gotten to that point yet.

After confirming that they’d be heading back to the dorm soon with y/n in tow, Chan hung up. Hyunjin jumped into action, finding a bag of hers, and then heading into her bathroom to collect anything from there that she might need for the night. He found a bag for her hygiene and makeup items in the bathroom, and filled that up, before placing it in the large bag he found. He then moved out back into the main room, looking up at her and asking what he needed to pack for her.

Minho sat the two of them up as she directed him on what to pack, and Hyunjin dutifully followed her orders. Once he had everything, he brought the bag over for her to double check, looking happy once she approved, glad to be of service to the omega. Minho looked at him, pride in his eyes as he looked at the beta, a silent ‘good job’ mouthed to the younger dancer.

Leaving the bag on the bed, he went to find her shoes, as Minho moved them closer to the edge of the nest and bed. Hyunjin came back with her sneakers, and knelt down in front of her. He carefully put her shoes on her feet, the omega looking down at him with slight wonder in her eyes at how sweet the two of them were being. Once he had finished lacing up her shoes, he stood up and stepped back, grabbing her overnight bag in the process.

Minho moved her off his lap, before he slid off of the bed, immediately turning around to reach his hands out for her. She took them, and he helped her slide off the bed as well, landing softly on the ground, as if she was farther off the ground than the couple inches between her feet and the bed. Hyunjin hurried back over to the door, grabbing her coat off the hanger, and helping her into it. The two idols donned masks, and handed her one as well that they nicked on their way out as an extra for themselves. She put it on to conceal her face. They left the hotel room, but not before making sure y/n had the keys to her room.

They quickly rode back down the elevator and left the hotel, starting their journey back home. They two men knew where they were going, and each of them holding her hand, they led her down the streets until they approached the building their dorm was in. Heading up the lift to their floor, the doors opened and they hurried to their apartment. They arrived at the boys’ dorm, but before they could open the door, it opened for them, an excited Han on the other side. 

“You’re here! Come in come in!” He nearly shouted, causing the others to come rushing to the entryway as well, Chan and Felix pushing their way to the front. The two Aussie’s kept everyone back so that the three of them could enter the apartment. The boys took off their shoes, as y/n followed them in doing so. 

Once everyone’s shoes were off, Minho grabbed y/n’s hand and pulled her with him to the living room. He sat down on one of the couches, pulling her down next to him. Felix claimed the spot on her other side, as Han pouted, before he sat down in front of her. That didn’t stop him from complaining about how unfair it was, to the others’ amusement. 

They all started chatting, in an effort to make y’n feel more comfortable in their presence. It worked, to their delight, and she quickly loosened up and joined the conversations. They talked about anything and everything, though the older boys had a lot of fun telling her embarrassing stories about the younger four boys, who retaliated by telling her the same kinds of stories about their elders. This caused her to laugh until her sides hurt, before chiming in with a couple stories of her own. 

Eventually, more yawns than words were coming out of y/n’s mouth, and the eldest two took this as a sign that the small omega needed sleep. 

“I think it’s time for some sleep, yeah?” Chan said as he came up to her, Han had moved out of the way so he could get closer. 

Y/n nodded sleepily, having a harder time keeping herself upright. Chan, after getting verbal confirmation that it was okay to pick her up, did so, before taking her to their pack nest, and laying her in the middle of it. The two omegas hopped in after her, softly talking with her and removing anything on her person that might make sleeping hard. Once they were finished, and moved anything out of the nest, they settled in on either side of her, keeping her between them. 

The three betas climbed into the nest next, Hyunjin on the other side of Felix, while Changbin and Seungmin stayed on Han’s side of the nest. Jeongin slipped in behind Seungmin with Chan capping off that side of the nest, as Minho slid in behind Hyunjin, reaching over him to feel Felix and y/n as much as he could. 

With how many happy and content scents there were surrounding the omegas, it didn’t take long before the three were out cold. The three betas quickly followed, Changbin being the last of the three to fall asleep, watching the younger ones succumb to sleep first before he could. Minho was next, looking at Chan before nuzzling into Hyunjin’s neck and peacefully falling into the hands of sleep, and Chan took one more look around, his alpha being the happiest at seeing all of them safe here in the nest, before he too slipped into dreamland. The dorms were finally quiet, and the nine of them were safe in the nest, where they couldn’t be harmed.

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Taglist: @queen-thiccness @royal-shinigami @lolareadsimagines

Taglist is: open!

[pastafossa]

Happy Birthday and a merry 6 years to TRT! 🎂 🎁 🎈 🎉 🍰

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Some FUN TRIVIA FACTS:

TRT's sun sign is VIRGO and its moon sign is LEO!

After 6 years, its current wordcount is 932k words. If you put that in size 12 arial font, single-spaced, this would come to about 2000 pages, and even more if the pages were the usual mass market paperback size!

TRT is now 40 in cat years!

The Man in the White Coat is my tribute to the Mad Scientist trope common in scifi, which is one of my favorite genres!

It is old enough developmentally to tie its shoes! Keep going, TRT!

Ciro is partially inspired by John Marcone from The Dresden Files!

TRT shares a birthday with literary great Agatha Christie! Maybe I'll introduce poison-based murder into the fic in her honor...

The idea of seeing threads came to me after seeing a meme about red threads tying soul mates together. Everything that came after - the other threads, the thread world, how it works, is unique to TRT!

TRT is now longer than War and Peace, and Crime and Punishment combined! So if you've read all of TRT so far, then you have the perfect middle finger to anyone who tries to say you can't focus on longer stories!

The inciting penguin documentary that Foggy drunkenly watched (which led to him declaring Matt and Jane 'penguins') was about Adelie penguins specifically!

Jane has a leather jacket because I love leather jackets and think all badass characters should have a leather jacket! And so you should you! EVERYONE DESERVES A COOL LEATHER JACKET.

The long hiatus between Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 was because I had life things pop up. During that hiatus, I realized the plotline/ending needed some work, so I spent those two years outlining, and I also wound up doing a bunch of additional novel writing classes just because I wanted to learn. A lot of this wound up influencing TRT!

The grey threads are one of the only threads that no one has solved yet!

There are absolutely some bad people working for Cyrus James. There is also a guy named Kyle. He is there not for Evil Purposes (tm) but instead because this was the only place he could work that would allow him to pay off his student loans.

When I started TRT, I thought maybe 5 people total would read it. I was told five people total would read it by some shitty people. So I wrote it expecting five total people would read it, and told myself at least I'd enjoy it, and I could use it to learn. In other words: I had ZERO idea TRT would take off like this. None. Nada. Zip. AND LOOK AT US NOW, BABY. FUCK THE HATERS, 6 YEARS AND GOIN' STRONG.

Based on my outline, we're a bit over halfway to the end!

I hope you enjoyed these TRT funfacts. And I hope you know: this fic isn't just me. It's you, too. This fic has become so much larger than just me. It's the TRT playlist you've sent songs in for that keeps me inspired when writing. It's the fanart I look at to give me a boost. It's your sweet comments and likes and kudos and messages that encourage me when I'm sick or depressed. It's the people who've made friends over this fic, or who've been inspired to write fic themselves, adding beautiful works to the community that we all use to keep going. It's all of this love for both TRT and Matt, and I'm so happy that I've been able to contribute in at least a small way in keeping Charlie!Daredevil love alive even after the show's been gone for years now. I love you all so, so goddamn much. I love this fandom. I love TRT with all my heart. Thank you so much for being a part of these past six years through cancelations, through your high school and college years and beyond, through my ups and downs of moving and sickness and fiberglass and pandemic craziness, through late night chapter drops and wild twists and turns.

And I hope the next few years as we enter the second half of this story are just as amazing!

[stayconnecteed]

🪐˓⠀˚⠀memories⠀@⠀hwang hyunjin.

synopsis: you were in love, until you weren't anymore. or maybe you still were, but chose to learn not to be just to heal from all that meant falling in love with him.

SEE MORE.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀2.7k words. ⠀⠀general mlist.⠀⠀join taglist.

⠀⠀⸺⠀⠀plot ★ the point of view of hyunjin after your break up. i would say angst but at the end it kind of good. reader and hyunjin don't end up together tho.

⠀⠀⸺⠀⠀warnings ★ think of this as a beautiful relationship that turned slightly toxic, hyunjin was very very whipped for reader, the format is like a letter to you he never sent.

⠀⠀⸺⠀⠀author's note ★ tbh idk what is this. i don't even know how to categorize it, i felt kinda sad and started writing, and i thought on sharing it here. i wrote this listening to hannah bahng's cover of memories by conan gray, one of my favourite audios in the world.

excerpts from hwang hyunjin's diary over a year after the break up.

September 6th

Yesterday I walked by that coffee shop you liked to go to so much, at the end of the street where you used to work, the one with the navy couches and old photographs hanging on the wall. It's now closed. On the notice taped to the door it says that it is for sale, that they were very sorry but they decided to go out of business because they could no longer afford the expense, to call the phone number listed there if you were interested in buying it. And I did. Call, I mean. I had that urge to buy it, because it reminded me of you, because I knew you would like it. I listened for two rings and then hung up. The couches were purple. I saw it, even though the glass was full of dust, and I don't know anymore if they had been navy from the beginning or you had convinced me of it, but at that moment I saw them purple, and the magic was gone again. I guess it doesn't matter now. It had been a while since I had been here, maybe they had to change them. To see if they could attract more customers, as you always joked with the owner. That's why you liked the place, right? It was quiet. Peaceful. You could barely hear the music in the background or the murmur of the street, and as much as you adored their coffee, we both knew it was doomed to have an end. Like us, I suppose. You were always drawn to lost causes.

That's why I called you. I think you had blocked my contact, but it didn't hurt to try. I thought about everything we had shared. On my way to the apartment I live in now I bought those noodles you liked so much, and the ice cream we had every time there was something to celebrate. The TV was playing one of those movies from the 2000s that we watched over and over again on Friday nights, even though we had already seen them, just because I loved that look on your face you had when you did something you were apssionate about. It seemed like a hoax. For a moment it seemed as if I could touch you, as if by reaching across the fabric of the couch you were going to be there, on the other end, waiting for me to finish dinner so you could snuggle up next to me. I guess it was one of those days, wasn't it? Those when you stop pretending that everything is okay, even though nothing was wrong, and let sadness win you over.

I don't actually think I'm sad, though. Not really. Just… nostalgic. I miss what we had. I miss you. Not in the unhealthy way I did in the beginning, when we decided to split up and I instantly regretted it. It's more of a warm, bittersweet memory that creeps up on me from time to time. Your smile, so beautiful and bright, how soft your hair was when you rested your head on my lap and I couldn't stop caressing it, how your hand felt against mine as we entwined them, the hurried way your heart pounded under my lips as I kissed your skin, how I felt your chest vibrate as I fell asleep on top you in the middle of a conversation… Now that I think about it, I think I've forgotten your voice. The temptation to search for old audios is too strong, but I'm afraid to find out what I would really feel if I get to hear you.

I have seen pictures. I have too many, so looking for them was not a big problem. I keep them on that hard drive you gave me when you got tired of watching me stress out because I thought I had lost flash drives that had never left my desk. In it is my favorite folder, the one with all the captured moments that reflected that side of you that you didn't let anyone else see. The ones I took of you when you didn't realize it, with your hair disheveled on our bed, your bare back contrasting with the sheets, still asleep; or playing with Kkami in the park, running next to her, with your scarf tangling in the wind and your smile brighter than ever. Those for which you did pose, with amused expressions and seductive glances, with our friends and in the intimacy of our home, those you approved of after I showed them to you, acknowledging with an embarrassed blush that you did look pretty, and also those you couldn't even see, your mind betraying you by making you see so many flaws that you thought you were drowning in them, so many defects I was unable to see.

It's the first time that the sight of you didn't make my heart tear apart. Each new file I opened was a memory that I could bring back to life, at least for a few minutes, moments that I treasured fondly, and that finally made me smile. Can you believe it? Me, who so many times left voice messages begging you to come back, who had to stay at home for weeks after breaking up because visualizing a life without you by my side made me want to die, the person who every time they saw something that reminded them of you would burst into tears, feeling the loss of your presence like the shadow of death, was finally enjoying those memories that included you.

You'll be happy to know that I'm starting to draw again too. I had thrown away all my art supplies when I moved, and I have all my paintings locked away, but the other day I stopped by the store I used to go to and bought a sketchbook. I didn't intend to do anything with it, I just wanted to run my hand over the pages again, just like I used to do before starting a new project. As soon as Felix found out, he bought me new watercolors and pencils. You know how he is, the first to cheer every time something good happens to you. He celebrates your victories as if they were his own. I guess that's what this is, isn't it? A victory. I've managed to win against the ghost of our past, and my reward is a nice charcoal sketch of a tulip. It's not my best work, but for the moment it works for me. Little by little, with training wheels.

November 24th

I would like to know how you are doing. Changbin hyung told me that you finally moved in, just like me. I guess every little corner of the apartment reminded you of me. I wouldn't have lasted long there either. You hardly talk to the rest of the guys, and it makes me wonder if you were really happy with me. When I met you you had your own group of friends, but you stopped talking to them to the point that all we knew were my friends, and each other. That was probably one of the reasons you encouraged me to break up. It wasn't healthy, was it? I find it pathetic that I realize it now, so many months later, although it was pathetic even then, with how desperately in love I was with you. I tend to get so lost in my feelings that I forget everything else. Sometimes, "everything else" is often more important than what's going on in my head, and in my heart, because in the end, thoughts are just thoughts. I wonder if Changbin hyung would tell me if you were having a hard time. You know that after what we went through together, I would come in an instant if you called me. Some things don't change. You can separate us, but you can't ignore what once existed. And I like to think you feel the same way.

I know you have a boyfriend. I've seen you around town, walking hand in hand, just like we used to do. I thought about waving, approaching you and introducing myself to the lucky man who can call you his, but cowardice gets the better of me. I don't want to make a fool of myself. You've always been sharp with words, and the last time we met was humiliating enough. I'm not talking about the last time we spoke, but when we met. That afternoon when Chan accompanied me to collect the boxes that were left in what had been our home, my name written in that chaotic handwriting you have, set aside in the entryway. We looked at each other in silence when you opened the door, and I never knew how I had the strength not to burst into tears. What I wanted most of all was to take refuge in your arms and for you to tell me that everything was going to be all right. Did you feel it? That pain? You always noticed it at first, it was almost unnatural the way my chest began to open with grief, as if my own heart was crying tears of blood.

You felt it too, I'm sure. That's why you looked away. That's why you didn't open your mouth except to wish me well. I remember thinking that it wasn't fair that it was going to end like this, that I didn't understand why it had to end at all. We were doing great. True, we argued, as all couples do, and not even that often, or that we were somewhat possessive of each other. But it was okay, wasn't it? It meant that I cared about you. That you loved me. That we would rather be with each other than with anyone else. But you looked away, and I shut my mouth, and I didn't have time to memorize you before I left. Even after calling you for days, when you finally picked up the phone and begged me to stop, even then I couldn't catch the exact tone of the words you had used to keep them in my memory forever. And now you're gone, and I'd like to think I don't care as much as I used to, but sometimes a person's absence is more present than the people you have sitting next to you. And it hurts more than the worst wound, because you crave something you can't have.

I guess we were destined to end up together and end up apart. It was impossible for us not to have fallen in love when you approached me in that library, with the book I was looking for in your hand, just as we were bound to untangle ourselves after a while, having to suffer through the process of accepting that everything we had built was falling apart. We both knew it, and came to accept it in the haze of those who have just found their soulmate, but only you were smart enough to see it coming and protect yourself, leaving me as the only victim. And worst of all, I know that had never been your intention, that you would never have hurt me on purpose. But I was doing it to you, and you decided to be selfish, pushing me away so you could move on. And after all I can't hate you, I can't even stop loving you, because you became so blended with my soul that removing you would be like taking away an essential part of what makes me being me.

That's my problem, isn't it? I live it all so intensely… It's exhausting. When someone loses the person they thought was going to be the one, they usually console themselves with the thought that they weren't the one. But I can't indulge myself, I don't deserve that consolation, because we were meant to be. Maybe not to last a lifetime, but for the little bit we got to share. I have had to say goodbye to you, to see you become a stranger, but the people we were when we were together are still alive, in some space of our memory, like a story written by both of us, one in which we each have our favorite chapters, and to which we know we can come back whenever we want, to remember each other. I know that at some point in my future I will be able to open that book and read any page and it will no longer hurt, that I will savor every word with a smile on my lips, the smile of someone who knows that while it lasted, I made the most of every single second. And I know that future is closer than far away.

January 15st

I have stopped counting the days since we broke up. I feel like I'm getting better, I know I am. Yesterday I went out with Seungmin and Jeongin for a walk, and I took my old camera with me, after so long. My hands no longer shake when I hold it. They started goofing around, and playing among the trees in the park with Kkami, and it didn't hurt me to say that was something you used to do. I told it as an offhand comment, as if I were telling them about what I had eaten the day before. Now you are just another memory in my mind, floating among the gray matter of moments in my life. You no longer hurt, you no longer harm.

On the way to the dance studio last week, the driver drove past that coffee shop. I don't know if you'll have time to go now that you're so busy with your new life, and anyway I guess coffee doesn't suit you as well as it used to, but someone bought it. And it's still a coffee shop. I went today morning, and I felt better than I have in a long time. The new owners have done an awesome job, and business is running smoothly. In the hour and a half I sat at one of the tables in the back, more customers came in than I've seen in all the years we've been together. The iced americano is delicious, and the atmosphere relaxes me enough to doodle in the margins of my lyrics notebook.

I feel attached to this place, somehow. You found us, and made us feel special. During the time we enjoyed your company, and your trust and love, we were fully happy. When you left us, we had a terrible time, letting our inner selves shut down, refusing affection or help. But now we are doing well. We've gotten over that rough patch, we try to look out for ourselves, we smile at life. And the couches are maroon. I asked the barista, who is one of the people who came up with the new design. I didn't want to find out what the original color had been, that will be something I'll never get to know, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. It was fun when we would go and spend minutes arguing about the exact shade. But now they're maroon. And I like that color.

I was in love with you. I know you heard me say it that night I came home drunk, when I chose to pretend you were asleep and told you how you truly made me feel. I didn't fall in love with you, I ran to you knowing full well that I was going to love you with all my being, full of devotion and ready to end up devastated by you, but I guess it wasn't enough. Now that I have slowly learned to forget you I know that in all possible scenarios we would have ended up the same way. We were so obsessed with each other that we didn't realize we were consuming each other, but that's okay. Not everything is timeless, nothing lasts forever. The important thing is not to regret your memories, and I don't regret a single moment by your side.

© stayconnecteed 2024 ★ do not copy, translate, repost or share this work as yours on other platforms ! consider leaving a comment or reblogging.

[laracrofted]

we'd run inside out from the cold

synopsis: jake takes his girlfriend home for christmas. (or i realized jake seresin will never chop down a christmas tree for me and had to soothe the ache somehow.)

pairings: jake seresin x fem!reader (no y/n, a few uses of a call sign)

warnings: all fluff all the time, swearing, just kissing, smut is implied only but jake has some impure thoughts so... 18+, minors dni

note: inspired by this mood board i made. it was supposed to be short and sweet and instead, it's 2000+ words and suggestive. happy december, babes!

tagging a few people who might like this one @theharddeck @double-j @bioodforbiood @t-nd-rfoot @bradshawsbitch (who wrote a winter-themed bob fic that was so cute and cozy, it sent me into a downward spiral. read it here!)

You are nowhere to be found when Jake patters down the stairs, freshly changed from his stiff denim jeans into flannel pajama pants that’d probably fit him back in his Academy days. They’re a little too short now, exposing a stretch of bare ankle between the hem and his wool socks. 

He shivers in the cold stillness of the living room, tugging the sleeves of his sweater down to cover his palms. 

You are the last ones up, and Jake hasn’t unplugged the tree yet, expecting you to stay up a little longer.

You want to put the Christmas cookies in the oven and watch Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman find love in While You Were Sleeping.

He just wants to wrap his arms around his girl and drift in and out of sleep with you pulled tight against his chest, warm and cozy under a pile of blankets. 

He wants to sneak some raw cookie dough, and when you inevitably scold him for it, lecturing him about salmonella and the like, Jake wants to shut you up with a kiss that tastes like gingerbread and molasses; wants to feel you melt into him like the sugary frosting on his tongue. 

In the soft multicolor glow of the Christmas lights, Jake looks for the familiar shape of you buried under the handmade quilt that Grandma Seresin gave him for Christmas last year. Never mind that Jake has enough quilts to carpet his apartment back in San Diego. Ma has to hold onto the others, keeping them folded upstairs in the closet of his childhood bedroom. 

Still, Jake accepts each new one with a dashing smile and a kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

No one is hidden beneath the quilt.

He folds it over his arm, still warm with her body heat, and Christmas lights gleam off the black iPhone screen on the coffee table. He picks that up too, smiling at the case, clear and covered in little illustrated butterflies that match your call sign. Sets it back down and looks around the room. 

Not in here, Jake thinks. 

He was gone for all of the five minutes and definitely would’ve heard you come upstairs. Ma still hadn’t gotten anyone in to fix the creak in the third and second-to-last stairs. Sounds like a damn cat in heat.

Or… Jake remembers with a slight smirk, like the strangled sound Rooster had let out when Phoenix accidentally nailed him the balls during a round of football one time. They’d never known Rooster’s crows could reach that pitch. 

That reminds him… 

Jake owes Rooster a Christmas Eve text.

He’d gone to the mountains with Maverick for Christmas. Penny Benjamin rented some picturesque cabin in the woods, in an area that was known for good skiing and snowboarding, so Rooster was probably having the time of his life. Still, Jake wants to check in, just in case joining the Mitchell and Benjamin family unit hadn’t gone well. 

He punches out the text. 

A casual, non-invasive How’s it going with Mav? that Rooster immediately responds to with a string of emojis that’d be unintelligible to anyone who doesn’t spend 40+ hours a week with the dude. He seems to be having a good enough time, so Jake slides his phone back into his pocket, looks down at the abandoned phone again.

“Now,” Jake says out loud. “Where did you sneak off to, sweetheart?” 

His voice is almost too loud in the near silent room, and Jake cocks his head to listen more closely for any signs of his girl. He is met with the low buzz of the baseboard heaters and the occasional whoosh of the wind blowing snow against the windows. 

He shivers again, and Jake has an epiphany. 

It shouldn’t be so cold in here with the heat on, which means…

He pokes his head into the kitchen and sees the back door is open. Not enough to let the weather in, just a precaution someone might take to keep themselves from getting locked out. Someone smart, like Jake’s girlfriend. 

He grabs his snow boots, pulls them on over his socks, and quilt in hand, slips out into the bitter night. 

Snow crunches softly under his boots, and Jake will need to sweep the snow from the deck in the morning. He already did it this afternoon, after getting back from the Christmas Tree Farm, but Texas is facing a historically cold winter with record snowfall this week.

Snow paints a pretty picture for a white Christmas, making everything glitter and gleam in the pale moonlight. 

Nothing could ever paint as pretty a picture as the one Jake finds outside.

You’re bundled in one of his old coats, a nice one with a fur-lined hood, and a familiar knit hat. Ma made that one, and after you forgot your beanie in your suitcase, Jake made a big show of setting it on your head during their search for the perfect Christmas tree this afternoon.

He purposely pulled it down too far, covering your eyes too. You scrunched your nose at him and acted all annoyed, but Jake could see the pleased glow to your cheeks, already flushed from the cold. 

It made him feel the same way that Jake feels right now, like your visible happiness is a hot lance through his heart. You’re seated on the brick stairs that lead down to the yard and the stables, but Jake holds back and watches his girl for a moment, unobserved. 

How in the world did Jake Seresin become to the luckiest man alive?

He was always the insensitive one, always the asshole, always second-best even after giving every part of himself over to the pursuit of ice-cold perfection. Him. 

He presses his hand to the soft material of his woolen sweater, right over that aching spot in his chest, and lets out a deep breath. 

“There you are,” Jake says, calling your name. You half-turn.

Snowflakes catch in the hair that escapes from the hat, shining in the dim light from the kitchen windows, and Jake brushes it from the jacket, dropping onto the step beside his girl. He can feel the wet snow seeping into the flannel pants, making them damp. He doesn’t mind much.

You smile at him, bright as the Christmas lights on the tree inside, glittering as the fresh snow on the ground in the blue beams of moonlight. Lean your head on his shoulder.

He wraps an arm around your waist, tugging you against the line of his side, wanting you as close as possible. Not even an inch of space between you. 

He always wants you there. 

Ma was the first of his family members to notice, though Jake’s sisters didn’t take long to catch on too. Damn Seresin women…

“She’s not gonna disappear while I’ve got you washing the salad forks,” Ma joked, smacking him lightly on the shoulder with a plaid hand towel. 

He probably deserved that, missing her prompt to pass the pile of utensils yet again because Jake was too busy looking over his shoulder, tracking you from across the room. 

He whipped his head back around, face warm. 

Ma didn’t miss that either.

“Look at that…” Ma commented, taking the bundle of spoons that Jake handed her and dunking them into the soapy water. “You two gonna okay sleeping in separate rooms? Wouldn’t want you to come down with separation anxiety.” 

“Give it a rest, Ma,” Jake grumbled, embarrassed. He blamed the heat of the still-warm over for the blush that crept down his neck. He waited until Ma was preoccupied looking down at the sink before Jake cast another quick look over his shoulder. 

You might not be sharing a room, but Jake sneaks across the hall into the guest bedroom every night to slip beneath the comforter for a few blissful hours, one arm underneath the pillow, the other wrapped around your torso, cradling you against him. Legs so intertwined that when Jake has to untangle himself to lean over and kiss you in the early morning, slithering his hand across your collarbone, coaxing your head back with a gentle press of his fingers. 

It is hard to leave you there, softly moaning into his mouth in the pre-dawn blue, but Jake has to be back in his own bed before Ma gets up to feed the horses. He’s starting to get dark circles under his eyes from doing it every morning. It’s well worth it. 

“Didn’t meant to disappear, babe. Just wanted to see the snow at night.” Your words are barely louder than a whisper, brushing against the side of Jake’s neck, as if you’re matching the muffled tone of the snowfall. “So quiet out here.” 

“It is,” Jake agrees. “Far cry from San Diego.” 

He notices your knee bouncing and unfolds the quilt over your legs, cocooning you both in a pocket of warmth. It’s cold enough out to fog the windows and cover them in a thin sheet of frost, and Jake can see the puff of your breaths. 

You are warm against his side. 

Soft again, quiet as snow. “Thank you for bringing me here.” 

He swings his gaze to look at you, pitching your chin up with two fingers and looking into your sparkling eyes. It hits him again. Adoration pierces through him, right through the heart, and Jake strokes the side of your face with the pad of his thumb.

You sneak your hand from under the blanket, reaching up to cup the side of his face in turn. Run your palm across the prickled scruff that’s grown on his jaw over the past few days. 

He leans into your hold, closing his eyes for a hushed moment.  

And then Jake pulls back, catching your hand in his and kissing the center of your palm, then interlacing your fingers. 

“Thanks for comin’ with me, Butterfly,” Jake murmurs, leaning down to press an affectionate kiss to your cheek. You happen to turn at the same time, eyes bright, and Jake catches your mouth. 

Your lips are cold, but Jake makes quick work of warming them, coaxing them open, licking into your mouth. You taste honey sweet. Like the white wine from dinner and peaches from the after-dinner cobbler, and Jake drinks in every bit of sweetness, every soft sigh that spills from your lips. 

Hands itching to pull apart the buttons of the coat, to tug the loose sweater away from your neck and press open-mouthed kisses all the way down the line of your throat… 

Jake breaks the kiss. 

Leans his forehead against yours to catch his breath, calming the heart that’s threatening to beat out of his chest, racing like a wild horse.  

“You okay there?” 

He can hear the amusement in your voice. 

A smile tugs at his lips. “Just… Give me a second while I hold back the urge to lay you down in the snow and…” He lets the sentence die. All in the name of holding back the urge. 

You laugh. It echoes like the jingle of bells around the snowy woods.

Wind whooshes through the frosted trees, carrying your laugh back to you, and Jake notices more and more snowflakes gathering on their sleeves, frosting your delicate eyelashes. It’s starting to come down harder. 

“We should head inside,” Jake says, pushing up to his feet. He shakes the snow from the quilt, making a mental note to hang it over the staircase railing to dry overnight. 

You look up at him, and Jake holds out a hand. 

Your eyes sparkle with mischief. “Head inside to watch the movie and make cookies, right?” 

He shakes his head, smirking. “No. I’ve got to get out of these wet pants before I get hypothermia. Thanks to you.” 

Hand slipping into his, Jake watches your mouth drop open, biting down on his lip. He tugs you to your feet, fast enough to send you crashing into his chest, just to hear that familiar surprised exhale shoot from your parted lips.

You look at him with narrowed eyes. “Watch it, Lieutenant. I’m cold too.” 

“Really?” He walks you back under the shelter of the doorway, shield you from the snow with his torso. Icicles glean from the edge of the roof. “Don’t want you getting hypothermia either then, darling. Think I might need to run a midnight shower for the both of us. How’s that sound?” 

Home makes his accent thicker, and Jake plays it up even more, watching the way your lashes flutter against your cheeks. He’s got you, hook, line, and sinker. 

“What about the cookie dough?” is the only protest that falls from your lips. 

“Put ‘em back in the fridge,” Jake instructs, leading you back inside and closing the door behind you both.

 “And don’t you worry, sweetheart…” He presses the next words into the hollow right below your ear, planting a wet kiss there, skating his tongue out to lick the delicate skin. “I’ll go easy on you. You’ve got to be able to get on a horse tomorrow.” 

A wonderful gasp graces his ears, and Jake can’t help his grin. 

You scowl at him, but Jake feels you shiver against him. His grin widens, sharp and intent. He heads back into the living room to unplug the Christmas lights.

Ma sees you headed back from the horseback ride early on Christmas morning before the rest of the Seresin clan will come around to exchange well wishes and open presents.

Frowning slightly, Ma pulls him aside and asks, “Where’d you take that girl this morning?” 

Brows furrowed, Jake recounts the route, taking you around a local trail that ran the length of a frozen stream and gave you a good view of the stables, dusted in white like a gingerbread house. You’d been giddy at the picturesque view, wearing an old film camera around your neck to snap a few shots. You’d pressed your gratitude against the line of his neck, and Jake probably needed a cold shower before changing into his Christmas attire.

“It was an easy one,” Jake asks, confused. “Why?” 

“Wasn’t a rough ride with the snow, was it? She’s limpin’ a little bit.” 

And Jake buries his grin behind a cough. 

end note: butterfly comes from me listening to phoebe bridgers's so much wine cover on repeat while writing this. hope you liked it, but i'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings!

part two with the shower smut, lmk? now posted here!

[mishydraws]

Very... very unfortunate life update

Hi, everyone.

Ok, I don’t want to waste your time but I wanted to be upfront about what’s going on in my life just so you all know.

Last night I got what is probably one of the worst emails that could have ever appeared in my inbox? Our landlord has given us a 60-day notice to get out. For context, my mom and I have been living here since the year 2000. We have never been late on rent or missed a payment despite every difficulty life has thrown at us in that time and this has completely blindsided us.

We haven’t spoken to any of the neighbors yet but some of the wording on the notice makes me think that they may be kicking out the entire building. Or maybe they’re just targeting those of us in the non-renovated units because we’ve been here so long and they could charge a new tenant much more with a quick kitchen and bathroom upgrade. Renoviction is a new word I just learned. I don’t know. That’s what happened to my brother at his last apartment. They kicked out everyone in his building, renovated, raised the rent, then let new people move in.

They suddenly started increasing our rent every year like clockwork a few years ago so I’ve had a feeling they’ve been trying to price us out for a while but I didn’t know they could just… tell us to leave just because they can. Rent consistently paid up and everything for 24 years.

The notice we received really doesn’t say much so it’s all speculation I guess. It doesn’t state a reason why it just says we need to be gone by March 31st.

But basically, I’m really not doing well right now in all honesty. I slept for maybe an hour last night and it’s like a switch flipped in me as soon as I read the email. My stomach has had this weird knotted feeling ever since and I can’t stand up for more than a few minutes before needing to lie down again in case I either faint or vomit… I’m not sure which but it’s been this way since last night. I had to stand up at the sink to wash one singular dish from dinner and I could barely do it. At least I didn’t see the email until after I ate last night because I still have no appetite now.

However bad I’m feeling I know my mom is probably feeling worse. She has been for a while. She’s getting older and my dad is no longer alive. Aside from my brother and one irl friend I still see in person regularly, we have no family or other support system in this country and are well and truly on our own, staring down the barrel of homelessness if we can’t quickly secure a place and move decades worth of our life there before the end of March.

All of this to say, I don’t know what our usual art shenanigans here are going to look like during this time. I am incredibly stressed to the point where I am physically ill but I also can’t pause and step away because I do need the income that I receive from your support of me/my art here. It’s just the reality. I’ve never been particularly Big And Successful with what I do so your support means all the much more and makes a real impact on my life.

I am so sorry if this dampens your mood at all today or if you notice a decrease in the quality of art I’m able to deliver over the next few months but I will try my best to keep things rolling and let you know if there’s any particular delays to expect.

To top it off, I requested a tour of a nearby apartment last night (more expensive than our current) and the name of the person who just texted me back has the same name as our current landlord. Who wants to start taking bets? I know for a fact they own a lot of property in the area so this isn’t looking promising.

Anyways. Sorry for this downer of a post. If we’re not homeless in 2 months then… I dunno. I’ll have somewhere indoors to do art? Yay? You can imagine the housing market we’re dealing with being in California. The prospect of moving at this point has always been one of my biggest fears but we’ll see if we get lucky real fast 😢

If you've ever thought about supporting my Patreon or anything else, now and over the next few months might be a good time if you can swing it. Maybe it'll help us secure a place to move if I can point to it and be like 'Look! A whole income!' 🥲 Idk man.

There's an art update in the (public) post I made if you want to see what we're at least trying to work on for sticker club through all of this.

Mishy

[prettyboysun]

a love that always feels like summer

choi yeonjun x f!reader | the rest of txt are in here too lol | set in the mid 2000′s | fluff, angst, non-detailed smut | wrote this to satisfy my yearning of a teenage summer romance in the 20th century lol synopsis: saved by yeonjun at a party once, the universe somehow manages to keep you two gravitating towards one another. eventually sneaked glances and secret rendezvous turn into something much more. will the two of you be able to break each other’s difficult pretenses of love? or will everything just turn out to be a summer fling?  warnings/tw: underage drinking & smoking, mentions of alcohol, implied sex, character death, cursing word count: 12k

the four of you sat in jisoo’s brand new car gifted to her by her dad after graduation. it was a convertible and of course the roof was down on a pretty summer afternoon. you gazed out at the city passing by, the warm wind beating against your skin. “Y/n babe- this ones for you.” You turned to jisoo in the drivers seat, giving her a questioning look. You heard the beginning of since you’ve been gone by Kelly Clarkson playing and the four of you laughed in unison, shaking your head teasingly and looking back out the window. you had just broken up with your ‘boyfriend’ of almost two years. Kris asked you out halfway through junior year at your schools annual winter dance. It was pretty smooth sailing for a while, well at least you thought it was. A few weeks after your started dating you found out he only asked you out at the winter formal as a dare. When you confronted him about it, he defended himself saying he truly fell for you. it was ironic to say he fell for you after a few weeks of barely knowing each other, especially because you were truly convinced he never romantically liked you at all.  he would only kiss you when he coincidentally saw you on campus to show off to his guy friends. when he was around girls, he wouldn’t even spare you a greeting. you planned dates with him at least once a month in hopes of saving your relationship, to which he would sometimes ‘forget.’ When he would show up to your dates, he was like the perfect boyfriend. Maybe having those days where it was just the two of you made you feel loved and cancelled out all the other shitty things he did. Needless to say, it was an empty, fake, high school relationship. He used you for a title and you were too foolish to notice, too foolish to listen to your friends when they advised you to break up with him. “We’re just very independent” you would tell them in defense, but eventually even you had to start convincing yourself the relationship was real. Three weeks before graduation, you had finally broken up with him. You were shocked to find him surprised about the breakup.

“Did I do something wrong? We were perfectly fine together. Are you cheating on me-“ he feigned innocence of all his wrongdoings and if someone were to witness your breakup they would think he actually loved you. He held onto your wrist looking for an explanation. you scoffed and rolled your eyes in annoyance, throwing his hand off of your wrist. ”don’t act like you ever cared about me. I’m breaking up with you, so don’t contact me and don’t act like you want me back.” You kept your explanation short, not wanting to call out all the ways in which he mistreated you—although it was tempting. He already wasted so much of your time that you didn’t even want to spend another second looking at him. “but-“ you quickly left the scene, knowing he would just make excuses if you stayed any longer to listen to him. “y/n, wait!” he didn’t even try to contact you once after the breakup, which made you despise him even more. you smiled at the memory, proud of yourself to have broken things off with that douchebag who you wasted your teenage years foolishly pining on. you wish you could take back all the firsts he stole from you.

“ugh! I can’t believe I used to like that dude.” Your head fell back against the seat and you rubbed your temples, frustrated at your past self. “girl, we tried telling you countless times.” jisoo reminded. “I know and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you guys.” You pouted, sending them apologetic looks. “boooo, you whore.” Ellie quoted mean girls, which she has been doing nonstop since it was released last year. you and your friends are convinced she watches it every night before she goes to sleep. “its okay y/n, I never listen to ya’ll either.” Karina said, which you all agreed in unison to. She was the human depiction of ‘asking friends for advice but never following it.’ “okay damn, you weren’t supposed to agree to that.” Karina folded her arms and sent each of you glares. 𓆩♡𓆪 the four of you arrived at a random house where one of many graduation parties occurred during the summer. It was a fairly large estate and a local band was supposed to be playing for the night. You stuck by karina’s side, not wanting to be left alone especially as you didn’t really know a lot of people. “Oh Sophia, hey! How are you doing?” Karina came across Sophia, your class’s valedictorian. you turned around at the name, happy to see someone you talked to during school. “Y/n, Karina, what’s up? I’m doing great, how bout you guys?” “im doing good.” “Same here.” You added on. “so ms. valedictorian, any plans this summer?” Karina asked. Unlike your stereotypical nerdy valedictorian, Sophia had a lot of friends and was very easy going. “haha please, we already graduated.” She gave Karina  a playful push on the shoulder. “just trying to enjoy my last summer here before I move to reed university for the semester.” “Awwww, so you’ll be going out of state?” You were truly sad to see one of your friends leave, but also proud of her. “yep, my mom and dad want me to, so-“ she just shrugged her shoulders and gave a tight lipped smile. “oh damn, as long as you’re happy though.” Your friend Karina shrugged too. Not wanting to say much on the matter to dictate sophia’s life. You gave a sad smile to her. “thanks guys. I’ll see you around?” She gave a thankful smile in return. “yeah, we’ll see you around.” You replied to her.  The both of you waving goodbye as she trailed off to god knows where in the crowded house. you and Karina make your way to the drinks section, your eyes landing on a familiar face handling the drinks. “what the hell, Beomgyu?!” You excitedly call his attention to you. Also greeting Taehyun who was by his side. Karina wandered off to catch up with another group of people. “y/n!” Beomgyu offers a big smile to you and gives a side hug. “we’re the mixers for tonight.” Beomgyu motions to the drinks and supplies in front of them. “I can see that.” You hesitantly nod, suspicious about their abilities to mix drinks that don’t taste like poison. “we’ve been asking people to vote on the better mixer and as you’d expect, of course I’m winning.” Taehyun said cockily, earning a glare from Beomgyu. “Yeah right, flirting with the girls doesn’t count in getting you votes.” You laughed at their usual banter. “Mmm I believe it. If Beomgyu can’t mix substances in chemistry he sure can’t mix drinks.” Beomgyu’s jaw dropped at your words, sporting a shocked expression. You recall the time the three of you had chemistry class together, in which you grew close to Beomgyu who was assigned to sit next to you. Taehyun had always joined the two of you for group projects and labs. “Hah! Nice one!” Taehyun laughed and held his hand up for you to hi-five. “Don’t bother finding anything to say back, you wouldn’t have passed chemistry if it wasn’t for y/n.” Taehyun just added fuel to the fire. “I’m not doing this anymore.” Beomgyu pushed the red cups back and stepped away from the counter with the most deadpan expression on his face. “Beomgyu no!! We need your amazingggg mixing skills.” You said sarcastically, reaching out your hand to him so he wouldn’t leave. As if on cue, a group of friends pulled up to the counter, tasking Taehyun and Beomgyu with making them drinks. Of course, they had to ask the innocent group of friends about who made the better drinks. “Y/n, the band playing tonight is gonna start performing in likeeeee-“ he looked over at the digital clock behind him. “-10 minutes! They’ll be in the back.” “You guys aren’t coming?” You asked him. Not wanting to be alone outside. “In a few, after we’re finished here.” “Alright then.” You gave a small smile and waved to them as you left to the backyard. 𓆩♡𓆪 you savored the cool night breeze the backyard had to offer, although it was still victim to the loud music blasting from inside the house. the backyard was significantly less crowded and consisted of different friend groups hanging out in their own worlds, couples flirting or making out and the band setting up their equipment for the night. You joined Karina and jisoo who were talking with a group of familiar faces. Laughing and catching up with them was although short-lived as you witnessed hoards of people making their way into the backyard. The music in the house stopped moments prior, someone probably announcing that the bands performance was about to start. you had now stood up to join the crowd forming around the band. screeeeeeeeech the feedback from the mic had made everyone cringe and stop their conversations. Some people complaining and letting out curses from the horrible sound. “oh shit- sorry about that yall.” a guitarist from the band had spoken into the microphone. “but anyways!…..” the band had introduced themselves and the songs they were going to perform. Soon enough everyone in the crowd were jumping and dancing to the upbeat pop-rock song they were playing. You had eventually even came across beomgyu and Taehyun in the crowd with their friends. In which you opted to dancing and jumping around with them too. You bended over clenching your stomach in laughter having front row seats to witness beomgyu and some random dude having an impromptu dance battle. now a slow ballad song was playing and some people in the crowd danced with their friends, some grabbed the closest person nearby and others took the opportunity to be close to their crushes of the night. you were currently slow dancing with Karina who was conveniently nearby. You had giggled at a drunk Ellie who was dramatically swaying to the music with her boyfriend. He looked panicked as he tried to stop her from losing balance and toppling over. You looked in another direction to see beomgyu and his friend sensually dancing together. “Rina, look at them.” you pointed in the direction of beomgyu and his friend, the two of you laughed together after seeing beomgyu grope his friends bottom, witnessing the horrid expression on his friends face as it turned into a sneaky smile before he did the same to beomgyu--earning a quick slap on the hand from him. you enjoyed the relaxing melody of the song and the joyous atmosphere of it all, even the fairy lights strung from the roof looked especially pretty tonight. you peered over karinas’s shoulder and saw one of  beomgyus close friends embracing a popular cheerleader from your school as they slowly swayed to the music. He slowly leaned down towards her face. Before you could see what happened another couple moved in front of your line of sight, blocking the view. You looked away but nonetheless were curious. “hey, is luna hooking up with anybody?” You asked Karina as she was also on the cheer team. “hm?” Karina gave you a confused expression, surprised at the sudden question. “not that I know of. I don’t think she’s dating anyone either. Why?” “nothing, just wondering.” You returned to dancing.                    𓆩♡𓆪    the band wrapped up their last song and everyone went their separate ways. some people made their way home hauling their drunk friends with them or went inside the house for more drinks. “hey y/n!” You turned around at the sound of Taehyun calling your name. You dismissed yourself from your group of friends and made your way over to Taehyun and beomgyu with their friends. “Y/n, this is kai and soobin who go to bear creek.” Bear creek was the high school on the other side of town.

“I’m y/n, nice to meet you.” You offered a small wave and smile to the two tall boys in which they did the same. You recognized kai as the friend beomgyu groped earlier.

“So I saw you two getting it on on the dance floor earlier.” You motioned to beomgyu and kai with a playful tone. The group of boys all made different sounds of acknowledgment. You saw soobin hiding his face behind his hands and shaking his head groaning in embarrassment over the two’s shenanigans. “yeah sorry we got a little carried away.” Beomgyu fluttered his long eyelashes and tucked his imaginary hair behind his ear. Kai’s loud laugh in return caught your attention and made you laugh too. “y/n, try this.” Taehyun handed you a cup with unknown substances in it mixed into a light pink color. “you still need to decide who the better mixer is.” “haha!” Beomgyu let out a loud laugh. “Oh cmon Taehyun don’t embarrass yourself like this.” you took a small sip of the drink Taehyun handed to you. You slowly nodded your head at the taste. “Not bad…” slightly grimacing at the bitter aftertaste. “ok now try mines.” You gave the cup back to Taehyun and took the blue drink beomgyu had in his hands. “wait, palette cleanser first.” You took a quick gulp of the bottle of coke you had in your hands. the 4 boys watched in amusement as you took a sip of beomgyus drink. Taking the cup away from your lips with wide eyes that made the boys laugh, you took another sip. You were surprised with how good beomgyu’s drink was. It tasted nothing like alcohol and instead resembled the blue raspberry airheads if they were in liquid form. “Taehyun, it’s not good to flirt with people for votes.” You said with the utmost feigned concern in your voice and expression, making the boys jest at Taehyun. You laughed at taehyuns helpless expression. “I’ll be back guys, need to use the restroom.” You pointed to the house behind you over your shoulder. “m’kay see you later.” Beomgyu and the boys bidded goodbye. Before you could open the sliding door into the house you felt a hand grab at your wrist. “Y/n. Let’s talk.” You turned around to be met with kris. Immediately smelling the alcohol ooze off of his body and especially in his breath as he spoke. ‘Oh great, what a way for my night to be ruined.’ You rolled your eyes and sighed. “kris. We broke up. there’s nothing to talk about.” “y/n please it’ll be real quick. You can’t just break up with me like that.” You gave him a look of disbelief at his whiny tone. “oh my god, grow up will you?” You shook off his hands from your wrist. “y/n stop being stubborn just talk to me.” he gave you a pleading look on that annoying face of his. he had stopped you at the back entrance into the house so people who passed by surely were able to hear what the two of you were talking about. Not wanting to cause a scene you agreed to talk to him. ❁ཻུ۪۪♡ he brought you to the side of the house, which happened to be empty at the moment. “Okay, what do you want.” You stood in front of him, impatiently crossing your arms and anxiously chewing at your lips. “did I do something wrong? we dated for so long y/n and now you want to break up with no explanation?” “no explanation?! Your actions alone were enough of an explanation. You can’t just date me and act like I don’t exist!” Maybe it was whatever Taehyun and beomgyu put in those drinks that made you raise your voice but you truly wanted to be calm talking to xxxxx. It just seemed impossible now that he was actually in front of you, asking you what went wrong in the relationship. well the very problem in your relationship was standing right in front of you. “You know I hate clingy people y/n, we went through this so many times already.” You let out an exasperated scoff in disbelief at his words. “acknowledging my existence isn’t called being clingy. did you ever once ask me out on a date? Remember our anniversaries? Shit-“ you arms flew up in disbelief remembering certain moments. “-you never even said hi to me when you were busy sucking up to other girls. Couldn’t you at least spare your own girlfriend a glance?” “babe, be serious here. yeah I sometimes forget those things but you’re still my girlfriend, I still like you.” Before you could say anything back he stepped closer to you, one hand on your waist and the other caressing your cheek. Oh how you used to love when he touched you—or even showed you any affection at all. “don’t babe me, what the fuck kris we broke up already, it’s over.” You stepped away in disgust at his touch, removing his hands from your body. “y/n, baby, I know you’re not serious. you already know I’m sorry” He stepped closer to you once again with a grin on his face. How dare he find this situation amusing? this time he restrained both of your hands by holding them, stopping you from pushing him away. his face went closer to yours, trying to kiss you. “Ugh-get the fuck off me! You’re drunk! Let go!” You struggled against his strong hold, moving your face around and squirming to avoid his disgusting lips on your body. you weren’t going to let this be like the countless times you’d call him out for being a lousy boyfriend, which always ended up with him manipulating you and getting you into bed ‘as an apology.’ “Hey dude-” The two of you look in the direction of the unfamiliar voice. You see beomgyu’s friend from earlier taking a puff of a cigarette. Exhaling the smoke then tossing it onto the ground, killing it’s flames with the bottom of his shoe. Has he been standing there the whole time? “-she said it’s over already. What’s so hard to understand about that.” He calmly states in his low voice. You took the chance to free yourself from kris’s hold and distance yourself from him, rubbing your wrists in pain from his tight hold.  Kris scoffs and looks to the side. Closing his eyes for 2 seconds in frustration, his tongue poking his cheek from the inside. He returns his gaze to beomgyus friend, pissed at his audacity to interfere in his business. “it’s none of your fucking business. Fuck off already Choi Yeonjun.” you remember tagging along with kris to a party when you first began dating. You had witnessed kris try to joke around about something out of line, which yeonjun didn’t stand for. So when yeonjun called him out in front of everyone at the party, he got heated and tried to start shit with him. After that encounter kris became pissed at you whenever he saw you hanging around Beomgyu and Taehyun at school. “how can I when I came here with her?” He steps close to your body, putting an arm over your shoulder and leaning into your side. your heart speeds up from the close proximity. Taking note of how warm he feels and how he smells like cigarettes, yet also sweet, probably from his cologne. “you and y/n?” Kris lets out a mocking snicker and shit eating grin. Crossing his arms in amusement and disbelief at the sight. “I don’t believe it.” you clenched your fists at your sides and narrow your eyes out of anger. You were tired of always being belittled by him. Before you can speak up to defend yourself yeonjun softly brushes the hair away from your left shoulder, planting a warm lingering kiss onto the exposed juncture between your neck and shoulder. he leave his lips there for a second before opening his eyes to look directly into kris’s. you bite your lip in order to hold back the butterflies you feel in your stomach and the blood rushing to your cheeks. “well hopefully you’ll believe it now.” You can see the right corner of his lip curl up into a smirk. kris stands there frozen. His gaze travels back and forth between you and yeonjun before looking at you. “first Taehyun and beomgyu, and now yeonjun?” He laughed a little too hard. “Always knew you were a slut.” He says directly while looking into your eyes. You feel yeonjun’s body tense up against yours. Your heart beats faster out of anger and your eye brows furrow, flinching at the slur he called you. He leaves, shoulder bumping into yeonjuns on the way out. you and yeonjun stand there side by side, with his arm still hanging around your shoulder. you take a slow breath to cool down and calm your nerves. Looking up at yeonjun, he has an unreadable expression while staring straight ahead. He stays like that for a few moments before taking his arm off your shoulder and placing it into the back pockets of his jeans. his body now facing yours. You couldn’t help but notice how stupidly good his arms looked in his wife beater flexed in that position. the light from the sconces mounted on the wall making them seem like they were perfectly sculpted by some ancient artists. Why the hell were you focusing on yeonjuns arms right- “should I have beat his ass up?” He asks in a too casual tone and serious expression, breaking you out of your thoughts. you burst into a smile and giggle at the absurdity of it all. “he’s not even worth the trouble, trust me.” You convincingly tilt your head at him, you were pretty sure he knew where you were coming from after being there to witness the whole ordeal. “i’ll have to agree with you on that one.” you smiled at his comment before realizing the situation you were in. You slowly crossed your arms while avoiding looking in yeonjun’s direction. “but was all of that really necessary?” you asked. it was your first time meeting him but he just witnessed you arguing with your shitty ex. you were now suspicious of him, especially after witnessing him (maybe) kiss someone earlier. Or maybe he was just too attractive for you to let your guard down around. Yeonjun let out an amused smile at your now defensive stance and disposition. he found your little pout and flustered expression cute. “I don’t think he would’ve gone away if I hadn’t done that.” yeonjun looked at you, watching you nod slowly and kick at random pebbles on the ground. “I only witnessed everything up to the part where he forced himself on you.” He assured. You looked up at yeonjun with obvious relief shown on your face. ‘cute’ yeonjun thought to himself. Smiling at your adorable antics. “oh, okay then, that’s good. thanks for saving me.” you looked up to offer him a small smile of gratitude. he didn’t say anything but instead just softly looked at you — staring at you, almost. You stood there awkwardly under his gaze, silence suddenly taking over the atmosphere. Yeonjun in all honesty was enamored with you. He liked the way you avoided eye contact with him but at the same time weren’t shy to look directly into his eyes. He liked the way you seemed small and fragile but also knew how to stand your ground. He liked the way your features were shadowed and highlighted by the light nearby. he wanted to know more about you. “next time you go to these parties, call me? i’ll be your personal bodyguard.” You were caught off guard by his strange request. “hm?” You let out a confused noise that shocked even you. You didn’t mean for your confusion to slip out like that. yeonjun laughed heartily at your reaction. The sound making you ease up. “so? you don’t like the idea of a completely free personal bodyguard?” He tilted his head at you and smirked. You’d be lying if you said his annoyingly pretty face alone didn’t convince you to entertain his strange request. you were interrupted before you could speak up to accept his offer. “y/n! Is that you?” You looked away from yeonjun to see jisoo calling out your name, aggressively squinting to see if it was truly you she was seeing. you saw Karina and ellie’s boyfriend Jacob occupied with dragging a drunk Ellie to the direction of the car. you’ve never felt more grateful about jisoo basically being blind than in this moment. Part of you didn’t want to have to explain to your crazy friends about why you were seen alone with yeonjun at a secluded part of the house—the famous yeonjun whom everyone knew and pined over. You thanked jisoo in your head for saving you from the awkward situation with yeonjun. “yeah, its me! I’ll be there soon!” You shouted in her direction, hoping her horrible vision wouldn’t allow her to notice yeonjun with you. you turned your attention back to the boy in front of you, leaving him hanging about his request to be your ‘personal bodyguard.’ “Tell the guys I said bye?” you felt bad about telling them you’d be back, only to disappear for the night. “yeah, I’ll let them know.” you started to jog to catch up with your friends. ‘did I just get rejected?’ yeonjun thinks to himself after failing to get your number and also having you walk away from him like nothing happened. He starts to follow your now distant figure. “bye y/n!” you looked back to see yeonjun who moved from his previous spot and was now waving at you beneath the moonlit summer night. a pretty smile shown on his face. In all honestly it felt weird hearing your name come from his mouth. “bye yeonjun!” You waved back to him and returned his smile. ❁ཻུ۪۪♡ yeonjun caught up with the four boys in the backyard. “Where have you been?” Soobin eyes yeonjun up suspiciously. “Probably making out with some random girl.” Kai squealed the last part out in a childish tone, earning a punch to the shoulder from yeonjun. “y/n wanted to say bye to you guys but she left with her friends already.” Yeonjun took a sip from the red cup he snatched from Taehyun. “ew the hell is this? this is horrible.” He grimaced at the bitter taste and swirled around the liquid in the cup. He was confused from the silence amongst the usually noisy boys. he looked up to be met with judging expressions from not only beomgyu and Taehyun but also soobin and kai who had only just met you that night. “what?” Yeonjun asked, not knowing why they were looking at him like that. “y/n?? As in my friend y/n??” Beomgyu questioned, pointing to himself with that judging look still on his face. “cmon man, not y/n.” soobin added on. He had only met you that same night but already liked your presence. “oh my goddddd.” Yeonjun sighed and rolled his eyes. “I didn’t make out with her and I didn’t sleep with her.” He swept his onyx hair back. “yeah, we know, y/n would never stoop that low.” Taehyun said earning him an astonished expression from yeonjun and laughs from soobin and kai. eventually the topic of conversation switched after yeonjun put taehyun in a head lock. beomgyu who was the closest to you was still shocked at hearing yeonjun mention your name so casually. ✧ ˚ 　· 　　 . you woke up to the bright sun piercing though your window. ‘I thought I closed them last night.’ You groggily think to yourself. Maybe the sound of your door opening and your moms voice wasn’t apart of your dream after all. You tried, really tried to ignore the bright sun and go back to sleep but with the snores of Ellie passed out dead next to you and her legs strewed over yours, it was impossible to succumb to your precious sleep. You sighed and admitted defeat for the day, sitting up to see the digital clock on your nightstand read 9:32 in the morning. You had honestly forgotten you lost the game of Rock Paper Scissors to your friends, which explained Ellie sleeping with you in your bed. Despite her intoxicated mind last night, she was able to let you guys know that her parents would kill her if she came home drunk at night. you were all very shocked to hear Ellie sound perfectly sober while explaining to her parents she would spend the night at your house. As expected from a drama kid. you managed to move your leg that was asleep—under the weight of Ellies leg—off the bed and carried the rest of your body towards the bathroom to freshen up. You mindlessly brushed your teeth, going over random thoughts in your head. your encounter with yeonjun last night managed to make itself known in your head. You took the toothbrush out of your mouth, sighing loudly and placing both of your palms on the counter, using it to support your weight while you closed your eyes.  ‘Choi Yeonjun…?’ You shook your head in disbelief at the moment the two of you shared last night. ‘Personal bodyguard??’ You chewed at your lip and shook your head some more. “yeah I liked that movie too.” You yelped and jumped back in surprise, seeing Ellie standing beside you, currently yawning and having her hands in your shorts (that you struggled to put on her last night) scratching at her butt. You couldn’t believe you were thinking out loud and couldn’t believe you didn’t hear Ellie enter the bathroom. Hopefully she only heard the second part of your inner thoughts. “god, make some noise will you, scared the crap outta me.” you eye her up offendedly, your words being a bit muffled from the toothpaste in your mouth. “sorry ‘bout that biatch.” She takes her toothbrush that’s been at your house from the countless sleepovers with your friends. The two of you eventually stare at the mirror busy brushing away. you lean down towards the faucet to rinse your mouth with water before Ellie lets out 3 astonishing syllables. “CHWE FMKIN UNJOON?!” (Actually 5 syllables) you manage to decipher her muffled words as ‘choi fucking yeonjun.’ Before you can retaliate you’re busy trying to catch your breath from choking on the minty sink water. You look up to see Ellie staring at you with saucer eyes, looking comical as the blue foam escapes past her lips and her arm remains holding in the toothbrush in her mouth. When you return eye contact she hurriedly spits out the toothpaste in her mouth. After at least 5 minutes of back and forths in the bathroom you finally give in and tell her all about what happened the night before. “the peng yeonjun? Yeonjun who only actually speaks to girls if he’s gonna screw them that night? And fuck kris! m proud of you for standing up to him.” Ellie says all at once as you sit facing each other on your bed. “yes! that yeonjun, starts with a y and ends with an n. The only person in this town named yeonjun. And yeah screw kris, that jackass—wait, what do you mean yeonjun who sleeps with girls?” You asked dumbfounded. “y/n literally everyone knows this already, even emo Gregory.” (Emo Gregory being the dark emo kid at your school who talks to literally no one.) okay you knew she was lying about emo Gregory because there’s no way he would know anything about yeonjun who went to a different high school. “Every single girl says they wish they were Luna just so they could get yeonjun’s attention.” Suddenly the information Ellie told you and the scene you witnessed on the dance floor last night started to make sense. “are they… fuck buddies…?” you hesitantly ask, almost asking if they were dating but with the context clues of the information you just received, you redacted it to friends with benefits. Ellie slings both her arms backwards and falls on her back onto your pillows. “ugh idk, they don’t seem like that though, more likeeeeee…besties…?” She tilts her head at the thought and grimaces. “they’re just…weird, that’s all I know.” you sit there in silence trying to process it all. “-and I also know I have a banging ass headache.” ✧ ˚ 　· 　　 . later that evening you walked to a nearby Chinese restaurant to pick up dinner for your family. You had your mini disc player in hand and headphones playing your favorite band from the 70’s, bee gees. Having your parents be friends with the owners meant simply placing an order over the landline. you walk into the cozy restaurant, hearing the chime of the door go off. ‘Oh Y/n! Your food will be out in a few.’ Your family friend told you as you waited by the counter. through the music in your headphones you could hear a familiar sound. You looked up to see a familiar group of boys gathered at a table, kai’s laugh in particular catching your attention. You stayed at your spot for a bit, not wanting to intrude. Until you met eyes with beomgyu who was facing your direction, in which you gave him a disgusted look while raking his body up and down with your eyes. something the two of you usually did whenever you met eye contact across the room. He did the same to you, making kai and soobin turn their heads in your direction. They waved at you and called your name to which you reciprocated with a smile: which is how you found yourself seated at a table in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your food with three particular boys engaging in casual conversation. “y/n, help yourself.” Soobin motioned to the food laid out in front of them, half eaten and all. “no it’s okay.” You waved your hands in front of you to deny his offer. “My foods coming out in a bit anyways.” “soobin, we already ate the food.” Hueningkai breaks out into an awkward fit of laughter, apologizing to you on the behalf of soobins offer. Beomgyu pushes soobins head (which he was in fact looking at his lap in shame) with his knuckles, clicking his tongue at him. “Boy are you embarrassing.” soobin threatens to do the same with beomgyu, which makes him flinch in his seat. You laugh at the scene. “Leave the poor boy alone.” You say to kai and beomgyu. “At least y/n has my back.” He sneers at the two boys and crosses his arms in defense. “taehyun isn’t here with you guys?” You ask, used to seeing he and beomgyu together. before you could receive a reply from kai, beomgyu cuts him off. Propping his elbow on the table and putting his fist against his cheek to hold his head up. Hearing about one of his close friends reminded him of another. “soooooo you meant yeonjun huh?” You’re caught off guard by the question but try not to show it. “yeahhhhh, last night at the party actually.” You stretch out the first part just as beomgyu did with his question. not receiving any words back you slowly sit back into your seat and cross your arms in suspicion. “Why?” “mm nothing, just didn’t know you two had met.” Beomgyu says dismissively, pursing his lips at the thought. Soobin and kai sat there awkwardly, switching their sights between the two of you and observing the strange atmosphere. you were saved from beomgyu’s weird behavior by the owner calling your name out for your finished order. “bye kai, bye soobin. i’ll see you guys around.” you waved goodbye to them as you quickly got up from your seat next to beomgyu. You were a bit pissed at beomgyu for suddenly making the atmosphere awkward with his friends around, perplexed at his actions. the boy in question was as bit as perplexed as you were. He didn’t want to admit he was being possessive of you as his friend. If it were with soobin and kai he wouldn’t mind, but with yeonjun? Yeonjun who mentioned your name so casually that night, as if he’d known you for as long beomgyu knew you? Yeonjun, his dear friend that he loved and cared for... maybe he was possessive over both of his friends, actually. ------------ GODDAMn I wrote this like a few months ago and wanted to post it as a full story but I got writers block lol... depending on how well this does I might find the inspiration to write more chapters for it idk :/ also might change the title of this :0

[feralboimurphy]

Benson Boone’s new album has a few Jeric songs on it. I will explain.

Beautiful Things: Jack has OCD (at least a lot of signs point to it) and of course that means getting in his own head about having everything good (eric, shawn, his friends). He might self destruct, but he would die if he would lose it all over again.

Forever and A Day: This song is the both of them to each other. The first part of the song is Eric.

“No words convey the way it felt for me to finally hold you.” Eric spent 15 years without the man he thought of as his soulmate after almost getting him back in 2000. The moment he got it, he clearly wasn’t going to let it go. I wish we got so much more of them in Girl.

The next part is Jack.

“Know every word you’re gonna say before you even think it. But somehow every joke you make is funnier each time around. Your laugh is such a perfect sound.” Now, it’s no surprise that Eric is a goofy man and this may have been Matt Lawrence + Will Friedle, but Jack laughed at Eric’s jokes more than people give him credit for. Even when serious, Jack never discouraged Eric’s funny quips (we ignore a LOT of season 7. all of them got weird.)

“I swear I’ve known you longer than forever and a day.” These two clicked right away and were besties. Upon meeting, they’re the same person and never stay away from each other for too long when there isn’t an obstacle in front of them.

“How could I forget those eyes? They took me by surprise, but suddenly I missed your face. I knew that smile from miles away.” Now…them meeting again as adults. As soon as they saw each other, they clicked again.

“I don’t believe in destiny…your melodies they’re changing me. I’m yours forever and a day.” Eric makes Jack a better person. Jack even admitted that multiple times. Eric is his person and always will be.

There (He) Goes: This one is another Jack to Eric song. Personally, I believe it’s Older Jack coming back to Eric. And Eric taking him back in like they never separated.

“…You’re my only ghost, come on, haunt me, cause I’m lonely. I’ve been gone too many days and it starts to feel the same; every morning. I don’t recognize this place. Is it me or have I changed?” Jack was a new person when he came back to Eric. Gave into his greed over the years and let it take over him.

“There (he) goes. Like I’ve never been alone. Like I’ve had it all along. Every time I go away I hate that it’s a day that I never see your face.” Once Jack has Eric back, you KNOW it’s hard for him to leave again. Leaving to even get his stuff to move would be hard because it means being away from Eric once again.

“So, i pack my bags. I’m takin off. I’m comin home.” Jack goes back for Eric. You know, he knew he wasn’t leaving once he came to Eric. He could trick himself, but the moment he packed up for the trip, Eric was his destination.

“Out of the blue, (He) comes around. (He) turned my world upside down.” Jack made a name for himself in that company and Eric flipped it all around.

BONUS:

To Love Someone: This one is Eric realizing he loves Jack two different times.

“Brand new apartment, we sat on the floor. A blow up mattress and some plastic forks. Our clothes on the counter, keys in the door. You’re all I ever wanted never been so sure.” I mean…come on. New apartment together. Them bonding and Eric falling in love.

“Suddenly nothing is the way it was. Is this what it’s like to love someone?” When Jack saw Eric was more than his roommate, it changed everything between them. They got closer. Went on dates. Everything.

“Empty apartment I’m sat on the floor. A blow up mattress and a plastic fork. Fighting the flashbacks that creep through the door. I stare at the ceiling and try to ignore.” You can take this one as either Eric moving out when Rachel moves in or when Jack leaves with Rachel for the Peace Corps.

“Chances are we’re gonna tell ourselves this is how it’s supposed to be. And chances are this isn’t the last time I’ll dance with your memory.” Eric thinks about Jack every day and vice versa. Can’t tell me different.

Now the ‘suddenly nothing is the way it was’ changes. Eric and Jack are no longer in each other’s lives. It’s not the way it was. There’s no late night TV watching. Nothing about their lives together because Jack is gone.

[paleairlesscompanion]

Lost Sterek Fic Please Help!

TW: Fic contains past non-con/rape

I've posted this to Lost Fics in reddit but I'm desperate so posting here too.

I need help finding a Stiles Stilinski/Derek Hale fic that I remember certain details/plot points of, but no idea what the title was. I've put the various layers of details I remember below. I've been trying to find it forever - please help me before I go insane!

GENERAL:

- Was definitely on ao3

- Was definitely third-person Stiles POV

- I THINK it was about 2000-2500 words but it could have been longer

- I read it several years ago, pre-2018 if not earlier

- Main premise was that Stiles had been sexually assaulted in his early teens but hadn't been able to process what happened to him as being actual rape. He is then triggered when being intimate with Derek, but Derek actually stops when he asks which brings the trauma to the surface. Derek explains that what had happened to Stiles wasn't his fault, hurt/comfort etc.

MAIN PLOT POINTS:

- Stiles and Scott go to party

- Stiles ends up being raped by older girl (starts as consensual making out)

- Girl gaslights Stiles 'of course you want this/all guys want sex'

- Stiles is ashamed, doesn't tell Scott or anyone else what happened

- Few years on, Stiles exaggerates his crush on Lydia Martin to hide his trauma around intimacy/sex

- Meets Derek (canonical age difference), and actually wants to be intimate with him

- They make out but Stiles is triggered and wants to stop

- Derek DOES stop, Stiles asks why, Derek says because Stiles told him to

- Derek respecting his 'no', when the highschool girl hadn't, brings all the trauma/confusion to the surface and Stiles panics and runs

- Derek goes after him, Stiles tells him about his assault, and Derek explains that what happened to Stiles was rape and that it wasn't his fault

- Stiles cries in Derek's arms, Derek is very protective/tender

Super specific details under the cut

SPECIFIC DETAILS:

- Stiles and Scott are early teens (middle school age?) and sneak out at night to go to a highschool party

- It is Scott's idea - Stiles is worried about how angry/disappointed his dad will he if he finds out but goes because his friend wants to

- Scott leaves Stiles alone at the party (I think to go off with some cute girl from one of their classes)

- Stiles feels awkward and out of place surrounded by popular older kids he doesn't know

- He is approached by a hot older girl, and is mostly very flattered that she's showing an interest in him when he's so young/'uncool'

- She is some kind of athlete on a school team

*(I could have sworn it was the girls volleyball team, but this hasn't narrowed my search results so now I'm not sure)*

- They end up in one of the bedrooms alone and begin making out on the bed

- Stiles cant believe this is happening and is excited and willing at first when it's just kissing

- She ends up on top of him and starts escalating from making out to full on sex

- Stiles becomes uncomfortable and wants her to stop -- I can't remember if he says 'no' or 'stop' or 'I don't want this' but he definitely protests

- She is too physically strong (athlete) for Stiles to push her off -- there's a line about Stiles realising the strength hidden in her toned body and being afraid instead of turned on

- She dismisses his protests -- says something about 'don't be silly, of course you want this'/makes a comment about how all guys want sex (may have also said something about it being his lucy day and/or how many boys can say they lost their virginity to a hot older girl? i.e. bragging rights)

- She stays on top of him and rapes him - he's gone into a Freeze response, not participating but unable to stop her

- I can't remember if he comes or not

- She leaves him there - says something like "you're welcome", definitely keeps up the whole 'not even considering he wasn't willing' thing

- It takes him a while to un-freeze, when he does he's shaken but he cleans and dresses himself

- He finds Scott downstairs all happy/blushing with the cute girl from earlier

- I think there's a line about how different Stiles feels from Scott i.e. they entered the party as dumb kids but now Stiles has been changed by his experience, while Scott has stayed the same

- Stiles does not tell anyone what happened

* he's been messed up by what she said to him, lots of self-doubt, like he must have reacted that way because there's something wrong with HIM. Possibly alluded to the whole 'men cant get raped' bullshit. Worried no one will believe he didn't want it *

- The next part is more general description of the next few years going into highschool (and Scott getting turned etc cannon stuff)

- Stiles is super uncomfortable with his peer's increasing focus on sex now that they're all older

- SUPER SPECIFIC LINE but I can't remember the exact wording, something about guys thinking about sex every 7(?) seconds, and that Stiles also thinks about it that often but for a very different reason (trauma)

- He's terrified of being intimate with anyone, but since everyone else is focused on dating/sex, he tries to appear that way so no one knows how fucked up/traumatised he feels about all of it

- It's common knowledge he's had a crush on Lydia since they were little kids so he plays it up his attraction to her (canonical stuff about everyone knowing he's infatuated with her, making embarrassing public declarations about her, etc.)

- She is a safe bet as he knows she would never go for him/reciprocate anything, and his antics stop anyone else from showing interest in him

- There's a line I can't remember the exact words to, something like 'everyone knew Stiles was in love with Lydia Martin, so of *course* he wanted to have sex with her'

- There's also mention of Scott meeting Alison, being super into her and all the PDA -- It makes Stiles feel nauseous (trauma response)

- I can't remember the particulars of how Stiles and Derek end up being interested in each other but they do

- They're in a room in the abandoned Hale house and are going to make out

- I'm pretty sure there's a bit about how Stiles actually wants Derek, and how significant that is when he hasn't been able to feel attraction since what had happened to him -- and he's psyching himself up because he WANTS this and he doesn't want to start feeling scared/disgusted/etc, he wants to be normal and enjoy being with the guy he likes

- They're making out, I can't remember if it's Derek being on top of him, or if Derek goes to put his hand over Stiles cock through his jeans, but something triggers Stiles

- I think there's a line that draws a parallel to him behing young and weak against the athletic rapist, and him being older/bigger now but even more helpless against a werewolf with supernatural strength

- He freezes and says something like 'no' or 'stop'

- Derek stops IMMEDIATELY, takes his hands off Stiles and moved back to give him space

- Stiles is still frozen but is even more thrown that Derek had actually listened and stopped

- I can't remember the exact wording of the exchange but Stiles asks why Derek stopped, and Derek answers because you told me to but like it's the most obvious thing in the world

- It brings up all the buried shit for Stiles, because if Derek listened to him now it means the girl should have listened to him back then and it overwhelms him and he runs out of the house to his jeep

- Derek doesn't understand but knows something is very wrong and goes after Stiles

- They end up in the Jeep together -- I THINK Derek catches up with the Jeep as it's driving through the woods and Stiles slams the breaks OR Stiles is so hysterical when he reaches the Jeep thar he can't get the keys into the ignition and Derek finds him there

- Derek is very slow with his movements getting in the car and doesn't touch Stiles

- Stiles eventually starts to spill everything about his assault, but the way he describes it is through the lens of all the fucked up self-blame he has had about it

- Derek becomes obviously furious, he's mad at the rapist but Stiles sees the anger and looks terrified as though Derek is going to do something to HIM (trauma response)

- Derek deliberately calms himself because he does not want to spook Stiles

- Again, I don't remember the particulars but Derek gently explains that Stiles was assaulted, that it wasn't his fault, that it never should have happened to him, that she should have listened

- He ends up holding Stiles while he sobs and I THINK there's mention that he's going to encourage Stiles to tell his dad

[brehaaorgana]

The thing is, websites being slowly destroyed because of capitalist greed is bad in general for many reasons, but I would like to point out that one of those reasons is that not every social website is built to handle the same kinds of engagement in the same ways, and this destroys spaces that can't simply be ported elsewhere because they are symbiotic to their origins.

You destroy specific kinds of communities and communication styles that rely on the uniqueness of individual platforms. You can't move that to somewhere else with a different structure without fundamentally changing something.

This has always been true, but I feel like not everyone is fully...aware or familiar with how this happens. It's not even entirely a Gen Z thing either - there are plenty of Millennials/Xers and older generations who did not have a ton of internet access in the early-mid 2000's and so don't necessarily have familiarity with what vanished. Internet access has only recently been "expected," for more people across the class spectrum.

As a Millennial(TM) who has been connected to the internet basically since infancy (my dad did IT/software engineer management stuff and would literally sit me on his lap while he was on the computer as a baby), I am keenly aware of a) the fact that there are entire internet social communities which I didn't engage with but are now gone and b) that there are ones I did engage in and are lost or no longer really the same because of capitalism.

Like...forums are just not as popular anymore as they used to be. They still exist, but it's harder to find them and they usually see way less activity than other platforms. And we lose so much knowledge/advice/engagement without them. Things like: I turned around one day and found a digital art forum I used to lurk on was totally gone, along with all the inspiration, tutorials, and tips. I remember one thread was this one guy wanting to learn to draw, and it was basically just his progress journal of learning to draw. It went over the course of YEARS of progress from like, stick figures to beautifully rendered art. Shit inspired me so much, and I think it just...vanished?

But then there's things like, entire social norms, jokes, and kinds of engagement that also vanishes or becomes a graveyard. Forums usually have karma systems (which reddit apes, sort of) and that could tell you a lot about an account lol.

Look at the slow death of livejournal! Dreamwidth sort of...tried to fill the gap but there's so many platform specific expectations and experiences that Livejournal had:

Icons that you change based on: interests, content or intent of your post/comment, that you can create and have others use and which change often.

Related: icons and graphics communities.

CAPSLOCK COMMUNITIES WHERE YOU DON'T LAPSLOCK EVER!! EVERYONE TALKS LIKE THIS

Locked communities (especially age based!) Or dedicated communities with moderation and agreed upon rules unique to that comm. Tumblr literally can't recreate that. It doesn't port to how Tumblr specifically works.

Comms like ONTD, stupid_free, or comedy shit like weepingcock, - or even like, scanlations comms. Shit that just doesn't translate to tumblr's style, especially without optional anonymous engagement and nested conversations. There's no such thing as FFAF on Tumblr. It doesn't work. You don't break the internet here the same way ONTD did when Michael Jackson died.

Dedicated fandom/ship comms. As someone who was quite literally harassed on Tumblr for years because I didn't like a specific non-canon ship between a literal teenaged child and an adult and talked about it without tagging it (and even censored it when just words suddenly showed in tags!) I miss dedicated fandom comms so much. Because I had way more control over who engaged with me on my personal LJ and NEVER would've bothered people on a comm about a ship I hated because it's shitty behavior and because people who do that got banned! Shared communities with moderation and better blocking settings were benefits I didn't have on Tumblr.

Just...it doesn't translate to Tumblr and now it's just a tiny space on DW and the zombie of LJ.

Similarly I don't think AITA translates very well to Tumblr because Tumblr doesn't:

Have nested comments/comment threads that can be collected all on one central page

Have easy to make throwaway accounts

Allow for anon responses to posts directly (it's only asks! They can't reblog anonymously!)

Have an upvote system

Have a "sort by most popular" or "sort by oldest."

Have autoretention/bot capture of the original submission.

A way to click through to someone's comments in other communities, or see what their responses to the thread as the op easily.

A collection of moderators and standardized community rules and community ability to report trolling/spam/fiction/shit posts.

Call me a killjoy but AITA won't fully translate to Tumblr for the same reason why ONTD isn't translated to Tumblr, and even a similar concept to ONTD looks totally different on reddit (see: deuxmoi). It will look different, it won't have the same community or feel simply because the platform itself is different enough that it inherently changes how we engage, what that engagement looks like, and what can even feasibly be done.

When a website dies, the unique communities and communication styles of that platform also start to die.

[taoofshigeru]

A Cure for Joy but Not for Silence (Castti x Malaya)

A take on Castti/Ochette's crossed path where a confluence of magic brings back a familiar face. Trauma is still around, but so is love and comfort. Temenos and Osvald are also there. (2000 words)

-----

As Ochette called upon a bevy of trees, frogs, and axe-wielding tree frogs to beat back the shadow, a cleric and a scholar watched from a safe distance.

The purple light surrounding the ominous, writhing tentacle seemed familiar to the inquisitor. It took him a few moments for the hunch to turn into a connection.

Just when Castti and Ochette were starting to venture deeper into the woods, he took their colossal scholar by the arm. "Osvald, a word, if I may…"

Watching Castti treat the wounds on the duorduor turned that connection into a near-certainty. He grimaced. Then he thought of something. "Castti, you still have several phials of that cure mixed up."

She blinked. "Yes, why?"

He nodded towards the depths of the woods. "I very much doubt this is the last beast in these woods we'll see that's in need of treatment. May I borrow one?"

She nodded, and handed him the phial, which he tucked into his tunic.

They hastened on ahead into the woods. It should have been daylight, but it was dimmer than dusk.

A few steps further ahead, they were all engulfed in darkness.

…

As the scholar wandered further into the woods, he found himself hearing a voice that sounded like deep, raspy dusk. "Poor, pitiful Osvald. Lost your wife, you could never protect her."

"Why?" Osvald replied flatly. "Rita's death was Harvey's fault. I did everything I could, and now Elena is safe."

"Ah, but you're failing your daughter. Not there for her in this fragile recovery period. If only you had more power…" The voice trailed off.

"Why?" He didn't seem the least bit bothered. "Temenos is a high-ranking church official, and he was there when Harvey confessed to his crimes. Very likely I'll be exonerated within the year."

"…" The voice paused for just a moment. "Doesn't it ever make you curious, what it was that Harvey found at the end of his research? The true seventh source?"

"Why?" The scholar continued walking. He didn't even miss a step. "Whatever it was was clearly of an inferior grade to my own love for my adorable daughter."

"…" The pause was slightly longer this time. "Think of the possibilities of untapped sources of magic. Knowledge, wealth, half of the world, it could all be yours!"

"Why," His scruffy beard concealed the faintest hint of a smirk. "I don't really see what you're getting at."

…

"Couldn't protect them. Couldn't protect Jörg, or Roi, not even Crick." The voice in the darkness spoke to the cleric, mocking him. "You slept in bed as your wayward lamb walked his way to the slaughter."

Temenos grimaced. For all his outward confidence, this particular subject was not something he enjoyed being reminded of. "And I made examples of those responsible." That didn't mean he didn't have a retort ready. "And I aim to do the same to you."

"To me?" The voice boomed with laughter. "Why, you misunderstand me. I'm here to help you. To help give you power for your revenge."

"Revenge against who, exactly?" Temenos fixed on a point in the darkness that seemed to glow brighter than all the rest. Then he started walking. "This isn't the same puerile ploy you pulled on Kaldena, I hope? Inflicting tragedy and offering the power to get revenge against the enemy of her true enemy?"

"Kaldena was a fool." The darkness scoffed back at him. "You're clearly much too wise to fall for the petty ruse that worked on her."

"Oh, so that was you?" He responded with a dry wit. "I was going off a hunch. So, in a sense, I do appreciate the courtesy in your confirming my suspicions."

The darkness went silent, for a moment. Then, "How did you know?"

"I doubt. It's what I do." He winked at the point, which was growing brighter by the moment, then broke into a full sprint. "And you made it easy."

"YOU-!!" Humor was gone from the voice now, replaced by inhuman, primal rage.

"SACRED EFFULGENCE!!" He heaved his staff into the point of dark purple light, and the illusion shattered.

…

The cleric and the scholar found themselves standing on an endless lake of grey. Osvald was the first to notice Ochette and Castti were there next to him, facing off against what looked like dozens of the same writhing purple fragments of darkness Ochette had beaten back earlier.

Temenos was a hair slower, on account of the plum he had shoved down his throat. But the glow of his light magic hit one of the writhing curses incarnate just before it could strike at Ochette from behind.

Together, the four travelers made quick work of the gruesome attacker. Soon, the tendrils were in full retreat, but one lingered for just a moment.

That was long enough for Ochette. "Oh no you don't! RAWR!!" She bit into the darkness itself, and her fangs sunk deep.

That was as much time as they needed. "Now, Osvald!" He grabbed the phial of cure out from his tunic and tossed it in the scholar's direction.

A gruff, solemn chant had began even before the thin cylinder of glass was tumbling through the air. "This is! THE ANSWER!!" Osvald blasted the phial with the One True Magic (II), and the beam shot out towards the tentacle. Ochette jumped away just in time. So hasty was her jump that she did not, for once, land gracefully.

In the time it took for that attack to land, the rest of the tentacles, and the darkness itself, retreated. Ochette, Temenos, and Osvald were left standing beside Castti, slumped over with emotional and physical fatigue. And one other person, who had appeared exactly where the tentacle had been before Osvald had blasted it with pure, radiant spirit.

…

Castti looked up, and saw a ghost. This one wasn't wearing a wry smile, and the emaciated look was a far cry from the healthy state in which she had last seen her. But there was no mistaking those eyes. "…malaya?" It was a face she had resigned herself to never seeing again.

"It's okay, Malaya. I remember everything now, you can rest." She fumbled forward, not really understanding what was happening. "Haha, I must really be under the weather to be seeing things again." She put a hand to her forehead, laughing to hold back the tears. She felt so silly.

Ochette looked at the other woman, confused. "Mama Castti, who's this?"

A jolt of pure, stinging understanding shot through the apothecary. "You can see her?" Her head whipped around to Osvald. "Can you see her?"

He nodded. "There's a woman on the ground next to you. Dark skin, long hair. Signs of malnutrition. She's conscious."

Temenos stepped between them. "Now, wait a moment Castti, we need to be c-"

He was physically thrown off the ground as Castti dived forward like a woman possessed. She embraced the woman in a hug heavy enough to knock the wind clean out of her.

"MalayaMalayaMalayamalayamalayaOhit'syouit'sreallyyouyoudon'tknowhowmuchIhopedandprayedandafterIrememberedandeverythingandyoudidsomuchformeandIcouldn'tdoanythingforyouandIohgodsyou'realiveandhereandIcanfeelyouandIloveyousomuchandInevergottotellyoubefore*sob*, OhMalayaMalayamydearMalaya-" She didn't know where she was anymore, and she could not care. Tears and snot were spilling freely down her cheeks. Even after Temenos got up, Ochette stood, feet planted and arms out, making it very clear that he wasn't going to break up that moment.

It ended up being Malaya who pushed the apothecary away. "_,_." She opened her mouth as if to say something, but no words came out.

Osvald nodded in understanding. "You love her too, but you're hungry?"

"She's what?!" Castti's head jerked up.

Malaya winced and rubbed her stomach. "_,_!" She shook her head, smiling weakly at Castti.

"'You hugged the wind out of me, you damn mother hen.'" He gave a wry smile. "And my name is Osvald. I'm traveling together with your friend? Wife?"

"Wife!" The apothecary was the one to answer this question. "My wife is alive, I," She took another look at Malaya and her eyes widened with belated shock. "Oh gods, look at you, you're skin and bones, we need to get you some food."

"Alright, that's settled!" Ochette whipped out five sticks of jerky from her pack and handed them to Malaya, who wolfed them down and took five more before the beastling lifted her off the ground and the group began to walk back to town. Osvald, who had been the least disturbed in the confrontation with the shadow, lent Malaya his coat for warmth and let Castti lean on him for support.

"Hey Osvald, how did you know what she was saying? I couldn't even hear, and my ears are the best among us, I think?" Ochette's companion Mahina chimed in.

His gaze grew a little harder. "I learned how to read lips on Frigit Isle. It was useful for gathering information."

"Oh, I see." Ochette turned over to Malaya, who had grabbed a fistful of grapes from her pack and was downing them in groups of three. "You really are light, ma'am. Eat as much as you like."

"Wow, Ochette sharing her food. This is a special day, yes indeed." Mahina hooted jovially.

Temenos cut in between the two, voice so low that neither Castti or Malaya seemed to be able to hear. "I would like to preach caution. Whoever that woman is, she came from the shadow. And it spoke to me in there. I'm almost certain it's connected to what we've been investigating."

"Osvald, can you grab him by the cloak? With one fist? My hands're kinda full."

"M'kay." The scholar obliged, yanking the cleric down for the hunter to glare at.

Ochette hissed back, "Now listen here, you. You weren't with us when Castti went back to Healeaks for the first time. I've seen that woman rip a real live antlion in two, but that village had her shaking in a way I've never seen. And the name I kept hearing her say while we were there? 'Malaya.'" She indicated the woman held in her arms, "You can keep an eye on things, sure. But if you mess up this moment for her I'm gonna put my footprint into your rib cage."

His smile never fell the whole time she was talking. "I understand. I can leave the two of them to you, then?"

"So long as we're clear, Temmy." She bared her fangs at him.

By the time they had arrived back at the inn, it was still light outside. The sunlight seemed to give Malaya a physical boost, and Castti a mental one. The two of them sat outside on a bench, with Ochette standing nearby. She held a pouch that was seemingly still full of food and drinks, and this time Castti indulged herself in some spicy jerky. They sat there for a little while.

Castti asked the question that had been on her mind. "Do you remember me?"

Malaya nodded her head. Yes, yes I do.

"Oh, can you still not speak?" She leaned over, concerned.

She shook her head no.

"So you can't speak?"

Malaya shook her head no again.

"You don't want to speak?"

A nod, yes.

"I'm sorry, I just." Castti stopped. "There's a lot I wanted to ask. But I don't need to ask it now." She stared into those eyes, those lovely brownish-black eyes which, now that she looked closer, seemed to be carrying new, silent scars in them. "We can wait. But I do have one request." She supposed hers did too. They really would have a lot to talk about.

Malaya nodded her head.

"C, can I hold your hand?" She stumbled with that on her way out of the gate. Even so, "It's only, I just, gods! I spent this whole time imagining a version of you to help myself get through all that trauma, and I almost went and accepted you were gone." Castti fixed her eyes on those deep, familiar eyes again and "I need to feel that you're real, and next to me. Is that okay?"

Before nodding, Malaya reached out with her own hand, the one that wasn't still dismantling a pomegranate and shoving it in her face, and wrapped her fingers through Castti's own. Then she nodded. Of course, chief.

~End~

[nikproxima]

WIP Horizon Post 4

PSSA Medical Wing - Observation Facility, Mojave Desert

Local Time 1800 Zulu, May 22, 2265

Chief Medical Officer’s Log

We’re running out of Vamp pilots. They can’t keep pushing these boys like this, we’ve had wave after wave of patients come in, barely responsive, foaming at the mouth, eyes rolling back trying to interface with their Link systems. Some of them are still in their suits, like they’ve just been born. PSSA command says they wanna push them to 15 sorties to try and drive some of the ships out of orbit, but they’re gonna fry their brains if they keep doing this. Two more fighters just slammed down in the desert, their pilots barely alive, brains barely registering. Thank God their sorties were successful, rumor has it they were targeting civilians… Not something High Command wants to hear, nor can the population of this godforsaken planet handle. We pulled one of them out still responsive, he’s been on a neural stimulant for the last few hours and is handling it well. The other one… god, where do I begin to describe it… Full seep, and its in his Vampire too. He was reciting lines of code when we pulled him out, blood leaking from his nose and ears. He started crashing almost immediately, and I knew we had to put him on ice to try and stabilize him. The fighter was in even worse condition. When we got up to it, smoldering in the desert, it armed its antipersonnel cannon at us, and I could see the barrels shaking… it was scared of us. I stood there, completely in the firing line, mouth open. It wiggled its flight surfaces, seemingly trying to move away from us, crawling like a wounded animal across the desert sand. The Sergeant walked up, without a word to me or any of the other troops pointing their rifles at this thing, and opened and access panel, killing the power. I felt as though I’d watched a mind die. I had. That pilot was still in there - trapped within a coffin of aerospace grade aluminum and exotic fuel. I understood now what had been taught to me for all these years about these things, they sucked your brain in, taking bits and pieces of you with every single combat flight, every time you plug in. This was the farthest gone I’d ever seen any one of them - no longer within their human body. I see the looks on the faces of the rank and file officers who know they’ll have to plug in next, knowing that the Seep will get each of them, just give it enough time. Time. They don’t have any time, it starts when you link up - no, it starts when they drill into your head to make you compatible. I do not have it in me to tell them. 

Am I… Am I to blame?

Local Time 2000 Zulu, May 30, 2165

Chief Medical Officer’s Log

We kept the pilot in the ICU for some time, and I found myself sitting with him, watching his vitals, and his mouth move as he recited line after line of code. It felt like watching someone who was possessed, that’s basically what it was. His brain was so far gone, entirely intertwined with the computer that I feel as though… he’ll never come back. The fighter we pulled him out of was brought back into the hangars, and reacted with the same degree of fear we’d seen on the skid strip. So cold… So alien, yet somehow so human. The higher ups came, despite my protest, and shut it down for good - they said they’d install a new central processor and find some new pilots. I think it’s barbaric. They’d yanked our funding to try and de-saturate these pilots about 6 months ago, so we’re left with dead minds, plugged into their machines forever, never to be freed. The least I could do was sit with them, give them some company in this god forsaken place. I soon learned the pilots name, the one we’d pulled out - Tristan McLeary. He was 27, from a farm in Wyoming, joined up because he wanted to make a difference. His brother had run away some time ago and joined the ICM’s militia… I felt sorry for that family. Something strange happened tonight though, something really strange… Some officials we didn’t recognize landed in some jet, with Research Council markings. They were able to access all of our security, all of our base documents and keep out protocols. They marched in here like they owned the place. McLeary was their target. They shoved him in a stasis bed and hurried him out to the tarmac, claiming some Sovereign Security overrule… and just like that he was gone. The commanding officers told me not to worry about it, to keep my head down and do my job. I had no idea there was anyone who could do that, let alone be interested in a fully Seeped pilot. The only thing I could see as a marker was a little symbol on their badges… Lyria… I’d never heard of them before. 

I wonder what became of him.

[tera-91]

Mid-April thoughts

I didn’t mean to take a pause in posting. My thoughts have been a jumble lately.

My pup will need to have surgery so ive been working extra hours so that I can work less during the healing process. It sucks but I would rather go through with it now than the little cuddle bug be in discomfort. Poor thing has had some rough luck in the knee genetics department.

I have also been contemplating a job change but I would have to go to school for it. So Ive been dealing with checking out everything that I need to do for that. I think if I can be patient, which for me is kind of difficult, it would be a really good thing cuz I could potentially basically make in a day what I currently do in a week. It would definitely make things easier for me. But I wont be able to complete it for a few years. So I don’t know exactly what to do with my time between now and when I would be able to start taking courses.

Another jumbled thought I have is should I take advantage of the down time to try to pursue some side quests to make a little extra here and there to build it up so that I can quit my job while I go through school. I will have to be a three quarter to full time student while doing it so working and school might be a little bit of a juggling act. Also as bad as it might sound, I would rather do side quests than my actual job. I know that for most jobs dealing with people can be completely unavoided and there are jobs where it can be which would be a plus but I just get drained both mentally and physically dealing with people.

Other things have been good though.

I think I have figured out a way around some issues I was having with my videos. I just need to be able to spend some time to edit those so that I can post them. I have a pretty decent bank of them so I can spend time with my fluff ball to make sure healing goes well.

Writing I think is going good but also having a bit of a block. While I know I said I was probably going to take a break on sanders side stories, I somehow have 3 I’ve been working on. Maybe because I feel like I resonate with Virgil so its easier to write something with him verses starting something else. I can get anywhere from 300-500 words before my brain just halts and I cant figure out where to take it. I have an idea of the beginning but the further into it the murkier it gets and I don’t know where I want to take it. Part of me wants to go a fluff route but also writing is a bit of an emotional outlet for me. So part of me wants to just follow whatever emotion I have going at the time. Whether it be anger, frustration, etc but when I take a step back to review and edit I have hesitations. I know angst is a category and an option to post but at the same time I want what I create to be an escape for someone. Would that be helpful to others to read that or could it not be.

I guess anything could be helpful to anyone. Just a little bit of internal struggle. Maybe that is what is causing the block. Also I think I have a slight hesitation to post anything short after posting 2000-3000+ stories in the past. Even my word salads have been decently long. Also I get easily distracted or something just takes longer than I think it should and I get discouraged.

I hope everyone is having a good April. The weather is finally warming up but I think it has gone a bit too far. Gone from cold straight to HOT. I was hoping to have a little more slightly warm days so that way I could spend some time hanging outside and get back into painting. Or even just to enjoy nature for more than 15, maybe 20 minutes if Im lucky before it gets too hot out there. After I post this I might go try to enjoy as much time I can tolerate in the heat. I got some good nature photos the last time I went outside with my camera. Sometimes I contemplate if I should post them on here or maybe make an Instagram account and post them on there.

[starfast]

NaNoWriMo 2022 Day 24/25

Overall Goal: 50,000

Daily Goal: 1,667 words

Daily Total: 2044/ 2070

Overall Total: 42227/44297

Story Worked On: Heroes Academy

Update: While I’ve been slacking a little bit in terms of posting updates, the past few days have been pretty good in terms of productivity. Not sure why I’m suddenly churning out 2000+ words over the past three days, but I’m not complaining. Between school and NaNo, I’m pretty much spending all my free time writing. It’s going to be nice at the end of the month when I can finally take a break. 

Daily Excerpt: “Are you listening?” Catalina asks. 

 “Um, not really,” I admit. Before she can rightfully get mad at me, I quickly ask her, “Do you see Steven anywhere?” 

 “Ella,” she says, “Come on, I know you’re worried but there’s nothing we can do right now. Let it go for now, ok?” 

 And since it’s a lot easier said than done, I just say, “But do you see him here though?” 

 She rolls her eyes, and I can tell she just expects to look around the room and easily point him out. But the longer she goes without answering me, the more certain I am that she’s realizing that he’s not here either. 

 She looks back at me. She doesn’t say anything, but the worried look on her face says everything that it needs to.

 I feel bad now, because I was already worried enough for James and now Steven is gone too. He had nothing to do with this. And all I can do is hope that they’re both all right, because I am never going to be able to live with myself if they’re not. God, what have I done?

“You don’t think…” my voice trails off. I don’t want to finish my sentence, because I don’t want to admit that’s where my mind is going. 

 “We don’t know anything for sure,” Catalina says. “Maybe Steven is… somewhere else right now?” 

 “Like where?” I ask. “He was here all day. Where could he have possibly have gone off to?”

 “It’s not like we know him all that well,” Catalina says. “Maybe he’s gone out with friends tonight. Or maybe he’s not hungry and decided to skip dinner tonight. Or…” she pauses for a second. “Isn’t his power invisibility?”

 I frown. I don’t really know Steven all that well, but for some reason that seems right. “Oh yeah,” I say. “I think it is.”

 We look at each other, and we’re both trying not to laugh but we both do anyway. For a second I’m able to forget about James, as we both just laugh at how ridiculous this all is. All this worrying, and for all we know he could be right in front of us. 

 “What if he was here this whole time?” Catalina says.

 “Hey Steven,” I say, turning to the wall, “Fancy not seeing you here.”

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

These Fanfics of Shin and Carla of nice and all...but we want the story on how Carla Tsukinami stoke your ham sandwich! The greedy bast*rd he is...

Anon, this is one of my favourite asks ever and I love you. Thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to shamelessly insert myself into the world of DL I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it :)

I wrote myself as a nameless herione (because I don’t think most of you know my name) which also means you can treat it as a reader insert if you want to, but bare in mind this is based on how I would react in this situation and there are some details that are a bit specific to me.

“Hm, I wonder if I’m allowed up here?” The girl glanced back at the door to the rooftop of Ryoutei Academy, trying to spot any sort of kanji that could translate to “Keep Out” but found none. Shrugging to herself she concluded that if anyone caught her up here when she wasn’t supposed to be, then she would have to play the confused foreign student card and hope for the best.

A mild scolding seemed better than going back to the cafeteria anyway.

She looked down at the slightly sorry looking lunchbox in her hands and loosed a sigh. It was only her second day at her new school and already she felt herself desperately missing her friends and the familiarity of her old school. 

The other students had all been pleasant enough- aside from the boy with glasses in her class, who she’d caught eyeing the hemline of her skirt with obvious disapproval, as though it was somehow her fault that whoever made the school uniform had not done so with five foot nine female transfer students in mind- but the thought of trying to navigate getting food when almost all of the signs were in kanji she didn’t recognize made her gut roll with anxiety.

Besides at least the rooftop was pretty, with troughs of well kept roses lining the space and a perfect view of Kaminashi town, just beyond the iron railing, the lights from the small shopping district a warm glow against the midnight blue sky.

The girl walked over to the edge of the rooftop, intent on giving herself a moment to admire the townscape when a nearby rose caught her eye. It’s petals were such a dark red, they looked almost black in the modest illumination provided by the few lights lining the roof. She crouched down on the balls of her feet and set her lunchbox carefully to the side. Something about the scene, the dark flower with the night sky behind it, made her fingers itch with the urge to sketch it. 

“I don’t think I could do the dark colors justice with my watercolors and I can’t do realism with markers so maybe colored pencils would be best?” She muttered to herself she tried to find the perfect angle for some reference photos she could use later, while reaching into her pocket for her phone. “Acrylics could work I guess but I don’t have any canvas here and I-”

“What are you doing?” A low voice came from right beside her ear. The girl let out a high-pitched shriek and jolted in surprise, barely catching her balance in time.

She loosed a breath before turning her head in the direction of whoever had spoken, but before she could, they spoke again.

“Hahh, that’s no good… Hmph!” A rough shove sent her sprawling into the roses. Thorns scratched at her skin and she cursed as her hands plunged in the damp mulch, just barely stopping her from face-planting into the dirt. The rest of her however, was not so lucky, and she knew from the way her torso had landed in the soil that her skirt’s hemline had just become the least of her worries as far as her uniform was concerned.

A cruel laugh came from behind her and she turned to look up, filled with some mixture of anger and embarrassment. 

But whatever had been brewing petered out the moment she laid eyes on the culprit. He was quite possibly the most beautiful boy she’d ever seen; short choppy, strawberry blonde hair framed pale face with an eye the most incredible shade of gold. 

He was utterly stunning.

The effect was promptly ruined however, when he opened his mouth, face twisting into a sneer.

“Haha, how pathetic, crawling around in the dirt.” He continued to chuckle as she pushed herself up onto her hands and knees, wincing slightly at the way they stung where they’d scraped against the ground. 

“Heehhh, aren’t you going to say something?” The boy asked, the humor in his expression dying down as he regarded her as one might a spot of mould on a piece of bread. “Or is it that you’re so stupid, you can’t understand what I’m saying?”

The girl froze slightly, unsure how to navigate whatever was going on. Was this guy a bully? Her strategy for dealing with bullies until now had generally been to avoid them or ignore them, neither of which seemed like a good idea here.

“Oiii Miss idiot, are you going to keep ignoring me until I do something like this?” Before she could react the boy placed a heavy black boot on her hand and started to put his weight onto it.

Shit.

“What do you want from me?” She blurted out, praying silently that she hadn’t messed up the Japanese grammar, which really shouldn’t have been a concern given this encounter could feasibly end with a broken hand.

The pressure stopped briefly and she took the chance to tug her hand out from her under his shoe and get to her feet. The girl was a little surprised to find that the boy was no taller than she was, although his general aura of menace certainly made him intimidating enough without needing any extra height. 

“Ah, so you can talk. As for what I want… why don’t we start with an apology for shrieking in my ear earlier? It hurt you know?” He made a show of obnoxiously cleaning out his ear with his finger and the girl found herself completely lost for words. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, there were a lot of words swirling in her brain, all of them English and not to be used amongst polite company.

Biting back the urge to tell him to fuck off, she reminded herself that she was currently alone with this guy on a rooftop and angering him further probably would not end well. “I apologize for shouting in your ear, you surprised me. I’ll be going now.” Lunch forgotten, she went to make a hasty retreat to the rooftop door but was stopped short when the male put himself directly into her path. 

“Not so fast, you haven’t answered my question yet. What were you doing up here, sticking your head into the roses like some kind of animal?” The girl tried to keep her breathing even, as she felt panic rise in her veins.

“I wanted to take pictures as drawing references, I didn’t realize that-” an arsehole like you would show up “-someone else was already here, forgive me, I’ll be on my way.” She went to take a step around him, when the boy took a step towards her, forcing her to take one back. Soon her back was pressed up against the railing and she internally cursed.

“You just wanted to draw some pictures of the flowers? Isn’t that a bit childish? Well, I guess you still wear kid’s underwear so I shouldn’t be surprised.” The girl spluttered and instinctively went to yank down her skirt, a slightly ridiculous action, considering he must have seen everything when he pushed her earlier. 

“That-that doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she said, eyes on the ground as her face burned with shame. “Please, just let me leave.”

“You know, you still sound pretty demanding for someone who’s shaking and is covered in mud. Also,” he paused, sniffing the air briefly before glancing down at her knees, “ah I wondered where that awful scent was coming from, geez human blood really isn’t appealing at all.” The girl looked at her legs and caught sight of red liquid staining her knees, but that wasn’t what made her pause.

“Human blood? What are you-” A cold dread spread through her as she looked back up at the boy and the inhuman color of his iris. This had to be some sort of awful prank right?

“Oh, maybe I spoke too much, but that reaction isn’t bad, haha. Hey, what do you think I am?” He asked her, opening his mouth just wide enough to reveal a pair of gleaming white fangs.

“That’s… There’s no way… You can’t…” The girl struggled to process the image in front of her, trying to find some sensible sounding explanation. He had to be a nutjob with fake fangs right? A nutjob who liked to terrorize girls on rooftops and happened to go to a night school.

“Ah how boring. Shouldn’t most girls be crying with fear by now? I don’t want to but, would you react a bit more if I pierced you with these fangs?” He lowered his face and panic surged through her. Lunatic or something else, she had no intention of being bitten by him. The girl went to shove him away from her, but before she could blink he had her arms pinned above her head.

“It seems you still haven’t learned that I’m not the sort of person you should fight back against. Hey, how much would it take to make you cry?” His grip on her wrists tightened and she winced at the strength in his grip. “Your wrists are pretty thin, I’d barely have to use any of my strength to snap your bones.”

“Please stop!” She begged, as she silently prayed for someone, anyone to intervene.

“Oi Shin, what are you doing?” An incredibly deep voice came from the entrance to the rooftop and the girl said a silent word of thanks.

“Huh,” Shin looked over his shoulder, allowing the girl a glance at her savior. He was tall, with long white hair, that appeared dyed pink at the tips. A dark scarf covered the lower half of his face, while above it were a pair of piercing golden eyes. 

A shudder ran down her spine as her gaze locked with his for a moment, suddenly feeling a lot less safe than she had just a moment ago.

“Ah brother, I was just having a bit of fun.” The girl wasn’t sure which part of this statement horrified her more. That her so called savoir was actually related to the demonic pile of steaming garbage in front of her or that this was Shin’s version of fun. 

“That’s enough, we have matters to discuss.” The man walked over from the door to the roof, his footsteps stopping just behind Shin.

“Tch,” Shin let go of her arms, only to grip hold of her chin, moving his face uncomfortably close to hers. “Hey, if you tell anyone about what happened here, I’ll rip your tongue out, got it?” His fangs caught the light as he spoke, and the girl felt very close to tears as she muttered a soft yes. 

Shin flashed her that nasty smile of his before letting go. “Well then, get out of here!” 

Needing no further prompting, she hastily got away from him, pausing only to grab her school bag. As she did so, she caught sight of her lunchbox in the older boys hands and faltered. 

“Go!” Shin yelled and the girl concluded that the ham sandwich and peanut butter flavored chocolate bar contained in the hundred yen tupperware were not worth her life as she borderline ran to the rooftop door, slamming it shut behind her. 

***

Carla watched the girl flee from the rooftop with a dispassionate expression. 

“What exactly did you do?” He asked, more concerned with trying to keep their low profile as they furthered their objective than anything else.

“Nothing much, I just toyed with her a bit. She’s only a human so it doesn’t really matter does it? More importantly, why did you keep hold of that?” Shin nodded towards the plastic container in Carla’s hands. 

Carla said nothing as he opened up the box and pulled out a modest sandwich wrapped neatly in clingfilm. Removing some of the wrap, he sniffed it briefly before muttering.

“I thought so.”

Shin took a deep breath through his nose. “Ah, I see, a dry cured ham sandwich huh?”

“Normally I would never eat something prepared by human hands but to take away the taste of that polluted blood, it can’t be helped.” Carla lowered his scarf and took a bite of the sandwich, chewing a few times as he deemed it to be palatable before swallowing. “Oi Shin, take this.” He threw a plastic wrapped bar at his brother and Shin caught it without effort.

He turned it over in his hands before spotting the reason why his brother had given it to him. “Peanut butter huh? Well at least it seems that girl’s good for something.”