#I could have gone on longer with this but i think 2000 words of me is enough for anoyone

[unforth]

I keep seeing posts comparing this to 2004 or other past election losses and how this feels the same or similar to those past times.

As another Old who voted in 2004 (and I missed voting in 2000 by a month and was furious about it) I really can't even put into words how vehemently I disagree.

In 2008, I remember very earnestly sitting down with some friends and saying that if somehow McCain beat Obama, I'd have to join the fucking revolution, because I couldn't believe that this country would elect a Republican AGAIN after the previous 8 years of bullshit. I look back now and think how incredibly naive I was, but I also look back now and think, damn, why aren't I 25 NOW? I can't join the revolution now, I'm 41 and I own a house and have two young children and one old parent depending on me.

Because honestly, truly, as someone who has been studying American history since I was 7, as a Civil War buff with expertise on the years before the Civil War, as someone who has at least some memories of every election since 1988... guys, this isn't the same as 2004. I was furious then. Swift Boat bullshit I swear to fucking dog. And I was and still am fairly convinced that the 2000 election was deliberately stolen. But also I still had every reason then to believe in the rule of law.

In 2004, I still believed term limits would be respected.

In 2004, I still believed a person who wasn't elected would demure gracefully to the winner.

In 2004, I still trusted the courts.

In 2004, I still believed that we'd made progress on bigotry.

I could go on, and to be clear, my point isn't "I thought these institutions were ~good~" in literally any objective sense. Y'all are cynical but my generation was raised by, surrounded by, Vietnam vets and trust me, there was no way to be a kid, seeing what the 70s did to this country, and not come out as cynical and furious as the best of um. (My grandfather was a World War 2 vet, as were his close friends. My father and both his brothers are Vietnam vets, tho my dad didn't go overseas.) But I did believe that even corrupt institutions, even broken racist systems, even fucking Republicans, would follow basic norms of democracy. They said they believed in the constitution and I believed them. I believed that, like Nixon, truly getting caught doing something insane would at least force a mea culpa and turn public opinion. I believed...

Well, I guess it doesn't matter.

Because I no longer believe any of that.

I have watched the guard rails disappear over my lifetime. I have watched the party who once spent 2 years pursuing a guy over a BJ in the oval office elect a convicted rapist. I have watched and at times I've participated and I've voted and I've organized and I've protested and I've read the news more days than not and I've lived and I've grown and I've learned.

I have been an adult, legally, for almost 24 years now.

Guys... there are no norms remaining on the far right. The guard rails are gone. The Fascists control the White House, the senate, the Supreme Court, and things aren't looking promising for the House.

The bus has no brakes anymore. They think they have a mandate - and I can't blame them, as horrifying as this mandate is, because if things had gone the other way and Harris had gotten these results I'd also think it was a mandate.

Please sit with what this means: Trump and the Republican party said, "hand us the reins and we'll make everyone you hate hurt," and more than half the people who bothered to vote said "sure buddy, here goes." We don't have a usurper this time. This is the country that the majority of Americans said they wanted. Whether they come to regret that or not, they saw open Fascism and went "oh yes, count me in." And it wasn't because of the electoral college this time. It was because this country is so bigoted and misogynistic that they'd rather have this than a woman of color in the office.

I'm sick of "well she didn't run a good campaign." (Lie.) I'm sick of, "well we didn't get a primary." (Who cares?) I'm *extremely* sick of "well, Palestine." (Yes! Democrats actions have made the suffering there so much worse! It fucking sucks! You know what's about to suck so much worse?)

15 million people who showed up for Joe Biden couldn't be fussed to place a vote for Kamala Harris. Whatever their reason for not voting, we all knew the outcome if she lost. And seeing open fascism didn't fire them up enough to make the effort, and that's fucking pathetic. The consequences of the worst happening mattered so little to them that they couldn't be fucking bothered to make the minimum effort to stop it, and now millions of people will suffer as a result.

Because here we are: the huge swathe of the country who wanted a strongman now have one.

Look, I don't know what happens next. But I do know, and remember keenly: after 2016, Trump did, or at least tried to do, most of the things he said he'd do. When he was stopped, it was often because of career government employees: judges, bureaucrats, etc. And this time, he's said he's going to purge those people. I don't know if he'll succeed, but I certainly believe he'll try.

This is not 2004 again.

This is 2024. The Republicans have ripped the mask to shreds, shredded apart the book of political norms, and empowered hate, and they've been handed a governmental mandate for stamped "have at with our blessing!" in exchange.

And now they'll use that mandate to make everyone they hate suffer: people of color, queer people, trans people, immigrants, non-Christians.

Don't assume the worst can't happen. I am a Jew, and I have a photo album full of black and white photos of dead people that constantly reminds me: the worst has happened and it can happen again.

Do not despair. Despair is enervating. Be furious. As we should be. These douche bags are repulsive. Be prepared to fight. Be prepared to flee. Be prepared to defend. Don't assume you simply can't do something. There's always something to do, and even the smallest act of defiance can help. There's never any knowing until after which acts of resistance will end up galvanizing the good and just out of their apathy. But that apathy is the enemy.

Because none of this is normal. None of this is "just like when..." Please stop saying it is.

And before anyone screams "privilege" at me, yes, I am in many ways. I'm white. I have access to some generational money even tho my own family lives paycheck to paycheck - we won't be rich but have enough of a support network to be comfortable. I live in a blue area of a blue state. But I'm also a woman (legally speaking, at least) married to another woman - since before Oberkfell, and yes I remember exactly what steps we had planned any time we wanted to leave our state. My wife has physical disabilities. We have two children. Both are biracial (half black). One is trans. We are caring for an elderly parent. I am Jewish and as my kids' birth parent, so are they. I own a publishing company that publishes the exact kinds of queer and kinky lit these people intend to ban. We tick so many boxes of what these people hate.

I know ya'll are scared. Trust me, I'm terrified. But fear is paralyzing. And that won't help. Whatever happens, don't lie down and take this shit.

When Gore lost I was one month shy of my 18th birthday and already in college. I have been fighting my entire adult life, and I'm exhausted. I'm much less able to fight now, much more tied down with responsibilities. But the fight isn't over. I'm checking our passports. I'm packing a go bag. I've convinced one vulnerable friend to move here and I have another who wants to and we're figuring out how to make that happen. I'm protecting who I can, starting with putting on my mask first. I don't know what will happen but if in the end all I can do is uproot my entire life to protect my children then I am preparing to do so. I can at least save them if no one else.

None of this is normal.

And I'm not sure, after Trump's in office, that anything will ever be normal again in the US. At least not the old normal. And there are ways that's a good thing, so many ways that the old normal sucked for so many people, and I'm optimistic that there's a bright future ahead, but man it looks far away right now. I don't want to go back to the old normal, and I want to be part of establishing a kinder, more just, more equal new normal, but we're a long way from there.

Whatever happens, we must endure. We must survive. We must support each other. We must find our allies and be prepared to compromise with them. Don't try to save everyone. You'll fail. Help even one person and you can change the world. Everyone things they can't do everything and so do nothing. That's insane. Do a single thing and it will be better than nothing. One phone call. One letter. One act of defiance. Very few people get the opportunity to grand gestures that matter, and the rest of us will die waiting for that moment. But the secret is that what makes those moments - the time when one person is in the right place at the right time for their action to matter - is built on millions of small moments by millions of people doing what little they can to make things slightly better. Think of every iconic photograph of a Sole Resistor you know of and think about every single tiny thing that had to happen for that moment to occur. Most of us will never me that one person, but that one person is a myth anyway. Countless tiny unseen moments create those myths. Doing literally anything is better than doing nothing.

And tooth and nail, quietly and loudly, in our homes and our towns and cities, during protests or when they come for our neighbors, we must fight.

[slaybestieslay946]

Stay

pairing: paul atreides x reader

word count: 2000

warnings: light angst with a happy ending

summary: you are the empress of the known universe alongside paul atreides, however, you dont agree with what hes doing, so you give him an ultimatum.

You had always loved the rain. Especially on Caladan. Yes, on your home planet it had rained fairly frequently, but it wasn’t the same. The rain on Caladan came down by the bucket full, not measly little drops. Each minute sheets of water fell from the sky like rolls of silver fabric. 

The only thing that lulled you to sleep more effectively than rain on a window, was the slow, contented breathing of your husband beside you, and the slow movement of his fingers brushing against your waist. Every now and again he’d re-adjust his position to get even closer to you. 

Usually he fell asleep before he was practically clinging to you, but tonight was not one of those occasions. 

“Paul,” You laughed breathily, pushing away from him a bit in order to spin in his arms and face him. 

He groaned in complaint as you moved away from him and opened his eyes blearily. 

“Why’re you moving away…” He complained, trying to pull you back to him. 

“Because you’re practically on top of me, I’m not a hot water bottle.” You chided, although the teasing smile on your face gave away your true feelings. 

“No, you’re better.” He said, a sly smile on his face, “Now c’mere, I’m cold.” 

You sighed, but did as he said, tugging his arm around you and lacing your fingers together. 

You could feel Paul’s smile on the back of your neck as he found a way to hold you even closer. 

“I love you.” He whispered, and you replied in kind, the smile that formed on your face certain to match the one he was currently wearing. 

“Promise you’ll stay with me?” 

“Mhm. I promise.” 

Now, as you paced nervously around the hangar, you couldn’t help but think back to that promise you had made. At the time, you thought that nothing could tear you away from Paul Atreides, not the sun nor the stars. 

Of course, you could never have planned for him becoming Emperor of the known universe. And you could have never known that it would be him tearing the both of you apart. 

At first, when you had been planning your escape, you had hoped that the aircraft would arrive before your husband. That was before you remembered who your husband was now. He would notice you were gone almost immediately, so you had to plan for confrontation, not avoid it. 

“What is this?” A voice came from the entrance to the hangar, echoing through the cavernous room and into your ears. He didn’t sound angry, merely confused.

You turned to face him and his expression was just what you thought it would be, torn between angry and distressed. In his hand, he held the note which you had written, telling him to meet you down here.

“I am leaving, Paul. For Caladan.” You said firmly, turning to face him. 

He smiled weakly, shaking his head, “Why all the smoke and mirrors? If you wanted to return home you should have said so. I would have prepared a ship for us both-”

“Because I am not going with you.” You interrupted, your voice harsh.

“What do you mean? It is not exactly typical for the Empress to leave her husband days after the coronation.” He laughed, but it was not the melodic sound you had once loved, instead it was forced, choked even. 

“Well, you are not the typical Emperor. I am leaving, and you will not follow me.” You stated, remaining firm, even as your heart threatened to betray your mind and run back to him. 

Paul just stared at you, his face painted white in shock. 

“Why?” He asked, his voice cracking.

“Because I can no longer stay by your side and watch you become this. You are becoming someone I do not recognise.” 

“My love, what are you talking about-?”

“I'm talking about this, Paul! Your holy war! You do remember that, don’t you? The war you swore to me you’d do anything to stop? And now, here you are, at its forefront.”

“I had no choice.” He said, his eyes hardening slightly.

“You always have a choice. You are their so-called ‘messiah’. Their emperor. They would fly into the sun if you asked them to. So ask them, stop this war before it consumes everything.”

“You know it is not that simple!” He shouted, and you couldn’t help but flinch slightly before rallying yourself.

“The man I married on Caladan would not have cared about simplicity. He would have cared about what was right, what was moral! He would never have entered this conflict, he would have laid down his life to prevent it! And I would have been right beside him.” 

“This conflict was inevitable! I am doing my very best to minimise the damage, can’t you understand that?”

“I understand that you are still not doing enough.”

Paul looked at you, incredulously, anger filling his gaze, “Really? How can I do more when my own wife does not believe in me! You claim to support me, and yet now you are leaving me. My position is still weak, and you leave the only man you have ever claimed to love.”

“Your position! You are faced with the massacre of your people and all you can speak of is your position!?. Have you no soul left Paul? Did it melt away on Arrakis, scorched by the sun?” 

Suddenly all the anger and venom drained from Paul’s face, and he found himself dropping to his knees, and begging you to stay. 

“You are my soul. You have been all these years. You keep me balanced, you are my morality, my goodness. Everything I do is for you, my love, for your safety. I only care about my position for it is your position also, all the power I have acquired is only in the name of keeping you from harm.”

You looked at him, staring deeply into his eyes, that piercing blue that you had thought so beautiful when they finally changed. Now they were just a reminder of how much he had changed since coming to this awful place. 

“I want to believe you. But you have always had such a way with words. I watched the way you deceived those people into following you, is that what you’re doing now?” 

He rose to his feet again, taking your hands in his. His face was frantic with fear. 

“I would never deceive you. I mean every word, I’ve felt this way my whole life. You are the most important thing to me. You know I would never lie to you.”

For the first time since the conversation began, you hesitated slightly. Could you believe him? Eventually, you landed on an answer. 

“...I do. You would never lie to me on purpose. You are lying to yourself too Paul. You know that I have never wanted position, nor power, heavens, I have never even wanted safety! All I have ever wanted is you, wholly, truly, with no barriers-”

“And you have me!” 

You reached up to splay your hand across his cheek, wiping away the tears that threatened to spill from his blue-blue eyes. 

“No, I don’t have you. I have splinters of you, and I fear the rest is lost. You may bear the resemblance of the man I love, but you are not him.”

He opened his mouth to protest, but no sound came out. 

Suddenly there was the immense whirring of gears, and you knew your ship was here to take you to Caladan.

“I’m afraid we do not have much time, so listen to what I say,” He didn’t react, his face remaining desperate and heartbroken, but you continued anyway.

“If you finally realise what you have done, and you fix it, come to me on Caladan. But I don’t want to see the Muad’dib, or the ‘Messiah’, or the Kwisatz Haderach. The only man I wish to see is my husband, Paul Atreides. Remember that Paul.” 

You gave him one last longing look before turning away from him, and making towards the ship that was emerging from the floor of the hangar.

“I’ll see you again?” He called, his voice cracking slightly as he stared after your retreating form in defeat. 

“Hopefully so, my love, hopefully so.” 

And with that, you stepped onto the outstretched platform of the ship, and shut the door behind you. Paul stayed in the hangar until the craft was gone, biting his tongue so as not to call out to you again and beg you to stay.  

*

The message that the Emperor would be coming to visit you had come far sooner than you expected.  

And you were disappointed in him. He was breaking your agreement, and so soon. It had only been a year, and to your knowledge there had been no change in the situation.

 Perhaps he was coming to ask for a divorce, maybe he’d found someone else since you left. That would certainly be ironic, considering the way he had begged for you to stay on Arrakis. 

However, you were incorrect, because only a few days later a messenger came to tell you that the jihad had ended.         

Immediately you leapt out of your seat, clasping your hand over your mouth in shock. He had done it. 

For the next few days, Castle Caladan was abuzz with preparations for the Emperor returning home. You oversaw said preparations with a watchful eye, and though you wouldn’t admit it, you were happier than you had been in years. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you had missed Paul terribly. 

Yet, when his ship landed, you were nowhere to be found. 

“Where is my wife?” Paul asked one of your ladies in waiting as he strode through the halls of his childhood home. 

“My lord, she left on a walk to the cliffs this morning, and has not returned since. Would you like me to send someone to fetch her?”

The Emperor’s harsh expression softened slightly. “No, I’ll go.” 

It didn’t take Paul long to work out where you had gone, and as he climbed one of the paths up to the cliffs, he was glad to see you sitting on one of the benches, clad in the green silks of house Atreides. 

He called your name, and his voice cut through the gusting winds into your ear, and you turned to face him with a searching look on your face. 

You stood, and couldn’t help but jog towards your husband, gathering your skirts so you didn’t trip and make a fool of yourself. However, you stopped short of running into his arms, opting to stand just in front of him so you could inspect his face properly. 

“Is it you, Paul? Have you finally come back to me?” You asked, your voice cracking slightly. 

“It’s me,” He whispered, reaching a hand out to touch you, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, what I was doing was wrong, and I know that now, and-!”

You cut off his rambling apology by surging forwards into his arms and kissing him fiercely. He immediately responded in kind, wrapping an arm around your waist and cradling your head in his hand, whilst you held onto the lapels of his coat as tightly as you could. 

Despite the fact you wanted to stay like that forever, eventually the need for oxygen prevailed, and you broke away to take a deep breath in, laughing lightly at the sight of his flushed face. 

He grinned at you, moving the hand that was on the back of our head back to your cheek, brushing his thumb along your face. 

“You missed me?” He asked, teasing, but his voice had a slight edge of concern to it. 

“Yes. I missed you so much.” You said immediately, emphatically. Because you had missed Paul, it felt as if you hadn’t seen the real him for years, and the feeling of being reunited was almost too much for you to contain. 

He let out a short sigh of relief, “I missed you too. But it’s ok, because I’ve fixed it all. They still think I’m their messiah, but I’m going to stop acting like it. And you were right, I was power hungry, and selfish, and I exploited so many people, and I betrayed you, and-”

“Enough, Paul.” You said, looking at him with so much care that he couldn’t help but smile softly, “Yes, you have made mistakes, but it wasn’t all your fault. And you’ve made a change now, you’re doing the right thing. And I’ll always be there for you. I had to leave to help you, but I knew we’d see each other again. And here we are, back home, just like old times.” 

“You’re right.” 

“I often am, my love.” 

He wrapped his arms around you once again, “Will you stay with me, here?” 

You nodded, “Mhm. I’ll stay for good this time.”

[limethefirst]

Void Runners Pt. 3

pairings: Deadpool x Wolverine x teen!reader

warnings: heavy Deadpool and Wolverine spoilers, crude humor, violence, swearing

summary: Since being saved by Wade after your encounter with Cassandra, Logan makes you lead the way in the wasteland in hopes you know where they are.

Part 1 / Part 2

a/n: Per-chance I may have disappeared but that doesn't mean I won't finish this story, sorry for being gone so long, please forgive me with this 2000 word update! Enjoy the long awaited part 3

Currently the three of you were all walking through a grassy field, Wade was annoying Logan like usual as you walked in front of them—to be completely honest you were exactly sure where you were going but you knew you’d get there.

It was like the blind leading the blind but they didn't know that.

As they continued to discuss whatever...dumb things Wade could produce, a loud bark rang in the distance, seemingly catching everyone's attention.

You looked forward, as a strange little dog began to run into view. It was ugly, in an oddly cute way, it's tongue jumping up and down with each step it took.

Logan had a disgusted look on his face, while Wade seemed star struck. Wade began to take his mask off, his mouth agape; as the dog got closer the man fell to his knees, and opened his arms, letting the creature jump up on him and lick his face.

"Look at you!" Wade exclaimed, clearly excited, "She's coming with us,"

"No she's not," The man in yellow protested, obviously not wanting the extra company.

While they bickered you took the opportunity to get a closer look at the dog, it made a strange noise as you did. Although you could tell it enjoyed the affection it was being given.

"Sorry, sorry about that girl!" A voice rang, the group turning to look, saw a, what seemed to be more attractive Deadpool with long hair.

You looked between both men, confused at seeing two Deadpool's at once, more so one that said 'sorry' upon first interaction, "Who are you?" Wade asked, noticeably confused.

The other man stopped for a second to catch his breath, "Oh, I'm Deadpool, and I guess you're Deadpool too," He gestured to the Wade you've been traveling with, "But in here, everybody calls me 'Nicepool'."

You snickered at the name, the thought of a nice Deadpool now in your mind.

"Oh my goodness, wait till you see Ladypool. She is gorgeous," Nicepool began to ramble on, "She just had a baby too and.. woosh. Can't even tell." He told you guys, making a gesture with his hands to show you guys what he meant.

Logan gave him a confused face, while Wade added on, "I don't think you're supposed to say that."

"That's okay," Nicepool told you three, as his right hand went over his heart, "I identify as a feminist."

No longer being able to hold in your laughter from this entire interaction you let out an audible snort/chuckle.

All three men looked at you, Wade had a subtle hint of amusement within his eyes, Logan was just confused and Nicepool looked disappointed you'd laugh at the fact he's a feminist.

"Right," Wade said, deadpanning. Before he suddenly perked up, his attention caught by something, "Are those gold-plated 50 caliber Desert Eagle pistoleros?"

" 'Course, to match my ear huggie," Nicepool responded, a smile on his face while he showed off his gold.

"Can I have 'em?" Wade asked, sounding like a child wanting to open their birthday gifts early.

Nicepool laughed at him, "Over my dead body!" He responded still smiling.

You grimaced at the man, "You're gonna regret saying that to him.." you said, knowing Wade would take it seriously.

"You're fun!" He said looking between you and Wade, "And I guess you've already met Mary Puppins, AKA Dogpool. Careful where you touch her, she's 90% g-spot and she'll let you know it."

You looked back at the dog as Wade adjusted her in his arms.

"You let this little flirt out of your sight for one second and she starts shopping for a new papa!" Nicepool exclaimed, still smiling throughout the whole interaction.

You looked back towards Wade only to see Mary Puppins licking his lips and mouth, slightly disturbed by the strange sight.

"If you can't be a responsible pet owner then maybe you don't deserve this little unicorn!" Wade spoke as if a dog wasn't literally eating at his face.

Nicepool only smiled at him and put his hands together, "Guilty on all charges your honor. Shan't happen again" Nicepool bowed to Wade.

"Why are you so nice?" Wade asked, confused why this alternative version of him was so strange.

Nicepool once again smiled at him, "It cost nothing to be kind."

"Shutting the fuck up is also free," Logan added on, seemingly annoyed at the fact he was surrounded by technically three Deadpool's.

"Caliente!"

"This is Logan, he's usually shirtless but he let himself go since the divorce." Wade introduced as he tilted his head towards Logan, "And this little thing right here is Y/N, they're our little time jumper!" You wave a small wave, not wanting to be rude. Nicepool gave you a smile.

"Where's your mask?" Wade asked, a look of suspicion and maybe even a hint of envy on his face.

Nicepool, although still smiling, gave a confused look before regaining his happy demeanor, "Come on guys," He pointed at his face, a knowing look on his face.

Logan just looked disgusted and Wade was annoyed, "Ugh this guy, we're looking for a group of survivors."

"Oh they're out there, but merc to merc, you better hope you don't run into the Deadpool corp, yeah they're crazy!" Nicepool began to explain who they were and what they do, you've been in the void long enough to know who they were, fortunate enough to have never come face to face with them.

You didn't listen much after that conversation, only being asked by Nicepool if these hooligans were bothering you and if you'd like to go with him instead but you declined, more interested in leaving this place then having to be stuck with another Deadpool for the rest of eternity.

As you three were led through what seemed to be a corn maze you stumbled upon a car, that Wade did not seem to like one bit.

"No, no, no. Absolutely not, nu-uh what the- No, no" Wade continued to protest.

"Just get in the car" Logan told him, his tone already showing how he was getting annoyed.

"What's wrong with the car?" You asked Wade confused on why he didn't want to get in.

Wade looked offended when you asked him that, "This isn't a car, this is a Honda fuckin' Odyssey, throttle response sucks a cock, dated infotainment system. When Honda saw that the untreated chlamydia was makin' a comeback, they invented the Honda Odyssey to compete."

You looked at Wade, shocked at how much hate he held for the Honda Odyssey and at the relation he was able to make between chlamydia and a car.

"Get in the fucking car."

Nicepool smiled, his creepy little happy smile, "She'll get you there safe and sound, old Besty always does." Both you and Logan walked up to the car, getting ready to leave as soon as possible, "You're gonna have to give me my dog back though."

"I know. Listen, yes child.." Wade spoke to Mary Puppin's, as he pet her, showing his strange attachment to the furball, "If you ever wanna give her up, or if she needs a new home or if something should.. happen to you, I'd love to be her papa."

Nicepool laughed at Wade's subtle threat, "What would ever happen to me?"

Casually Wade replied, "Lots of stuff," This time the threat didn't seem to go over Nicepool's head.

He gave both you and Logan a nervous look, you could only reply with a sigh before you nudged Logan with your elbow, nodding towards Wade and the dog.

He sighed before standing up and walking towards the two, "Jesus" He muttered under his breathe.

Wade catching on quickly turned away, trying to run into the corn maze, being met with clear failure. "No! We're running away!"

You shook your head in disapproval still leaning on the car, "Give me that." Logan said grabbing the small dog from Wade's arms.

"We were so close girl" He tells Mary Puppins before she is given back to her rightful owner.

Logan handed Mary Puppins back to Nicepool, which then let him get into the car, while Wade slowly entered as well, clearly upset he wasn't able to take her with him. You got in as well, in the backseat of the car, giving a small wave to the little dog and her weird happy owner.

Logan started the car and began the long drive, giving you a little time to rest. Shockingly Wade didn't really speak much, until Logan got to the forest.

"Okay, I'm just gonna ask," Wade started off with, you slowly opened your eyes, still leaning against the window, your arms crossed as you listened in, "What's with the suit? First thing I did when I flamed out I took mine off."

"Drop it," Logan warned him.

"It's not that ugly,"

"Stop talking about my suit."

"Did you make it yourself? Been there."

"Quit. Now."

"The X-Men make you wear it? Those sons of fuckin' bitches. They are not your friends I'll tell you that!" Wade was not getting the hint at all, Logan looked as if he was about to burst, "Friends don't let friends leave the house looking like they fight crime for the Los Angeles Rams."

Logan replied snappily, not even looking away from the road for a second, "Shut the fuck up about this"

"Woah woah woah, watch your frown lines, angel baby, I'm just trying to bond a little bit."

"Yeah, well then talk about somethin' else," Logan let out an annoyed scoff.

"Fine!" Wade hesitantly said, you let out a quick sigh, thankful that Wade realized he should keep his mouth shut. Slowly you began to close your eyes again, hoping to get a little nap in during this ride.

Slowly but surely you drifted off to sleep, the exhaustion of today finally catching up with you. Although the peace wouldn't last long.

You had at least 15 seconds of nap time before the cars sudden stop made you hit your head against the back of Wade's seat.

"Ow!" You exclaimed, grabbing your forehead in your hands, Logan glanced at you, a glint of what you could only assume was worry evident on his face, before he turned back towards Wade.

"What do you mean if?" Logan's voice was raised, mad at whatever Wade had told him during your 15 second nap.

"I mean-"

"You lied to me, you don't have a fucking clue of they can help me fix things do you?"

"No I mean-" Before Wade could even finish his sentence Logan had let out his metal claws, digging them into Wade's leg.

You jumped back, a look of fear on your face, not worried that'd they attack you but that you'd get caught in the cross fire.

"Kid, get out of the car, now" Logan said, not even looking at you, his eyes stilled fixed on Wade. You knew you didn't have to listen twice, you quickly unlocked the door and jogged over to the thickest tree, hopping to use it as protection as the two men fought.

You thought the worst of it was over, you'd heard them yell a bit and assumed it was over once it went quiet but before you could walk back up to the car you saw Logan get thrown out of the car, that right there was your sign this would be an even longer day then it already was.

You watched for a bit before ultimately sitting down against a nearby tree and deciding you might as well take that nap now. You covered your ears and slowly drifted off to sleep.

You began to stir awake when you felt some arms around you and you heard the car turning on, but you assumed it was just one of them men thinking it was best to keep going on with the journey, so you put aside that thought and went back to sleep.

Until you suddenly were jolted awake by the sudden voice and quick movement of Wade, yelling what you assume was Thor.

[bunnliix]

Can't Stay Away from You - Chapter Two

The outline for this chapter, was over 2000 words, so as you can see, I had ideas lol. We get a bit more attention on the boys this chapter, but we do see what's up with y/n as well! Honestly, this series seems to be longer chapters, so the updates will be slower for this story. But either way, I hope this is an enjoyable chapter two!

masterlist

word count: 5.7k

warnings: Angst, fluff eventually, protective members, scenting, scent highs, cute moments because yes we need it, multiple distressed and panicked people, crying, tears, I think that's it?

“Why did you ever think it was a good idea to give her, a random Stay, your number? What in the world compelled you to think it was a good idea?! She could have been a sasaeng for all we know, and you just gave her your number all willy nilly?!” Minho just about exploded on the pack alpha, criticizing his frankly stupid decision.

“You know very well that we’re all pulled to her for some reason. Hell, my alpha wanted to grab her, pull her into my arms, and scent her, right in front of every fan in that room. And I’m pretty fucking sure that everyone else felt something similar to that. So don’t you criticize me on this Minho. I thought about it before I gave her my number. I took a chance, wanting to get to know that girl who captivated even you. Don’t think I didn’t see you watching her after your turn, I saw it all.” Chan went after Minho, feeling enraged after hearing the man’s words.

By the end of his words, Chan was chest to chest with Minho, almost ready to fight with him. Minho is ready to fight his pack alpha, wanting to get it into his thick head how much he could have risked their pack’s safety over this. 

“Do you realize how badly this could have gone?! We’re lucky that she hasn’t yet done something. She could post your number out into the world for all we know. And yet you’re standing here, telling me it’s worth it because she interests you? I thought my pack leader, and the leader of my group, was more responsible than that.” Minho said, his words cutting like knives.

A noise at the door stopped their conversation, Minho moving to open the door, their two omegas falling onto the floor. The two of them looked sheepishly up at their alphas, knowing they were caught in the worst way. The two alphas weren’t impressed, as the omegas knew better than to eavesdrop, and they raised an eyebrow at the two until the apologies came rolling in. 

“And you two were listening in, why?” Chan questioned them, as they looked down at the floor.

“Jagiya dragged you in here, and we were curious why he needed to talk to you so urgently.” Han answered Chan, before looking up at him. “Do you really have y/n’s number??” He hurried to ask, even though it meant Minho gave him a look for asking at all.

“Yah! That’s what you gained from listening in? That Christopher has the girl’s number?” Minho scolded the younger man.

“Well, yeah. It means we can talk with her!” Jisung says, completely ignoring Minho’s growing glare.

“I am surrounded by fucking idiots I swear.” Minho comments, voice and face giving away just how done he was with the alpha and omega pair. 

Felix wisely stayed quiet, hoping that he’d be forgotten about. Unfortunately, that was not going to happen, as both alphas turned to him. 

“How much did you hear?” Chan asked.

“I heard everything.” Felix answered, hoping that the less he gave away, the better off he’d be. Once again, he was wrong.

“Where do you stand on this, then?” Minho queried.

“I can’t say that I’m not excited that Chan has y/n’s number, but also I can understand your concerns, Minho-hyung.” Felix explains, feeling torn between both sides. 

Chan smirked triumphantly, as Minho sighed. Why are his packmates like this? His own alpha told him that he’s the same way, that he’s being a hypocrite. He shut out his wolf, focusing back on the present situation. 

Since he didn’t get scolded for his words, Felix decided to be a bit cheeky. He teased Minho about his reaction to the girl, before getting stuck in a headlock by the alpha. 

“I’m not wrong!” He shouted out. Minho only growls in response.

This triggers Han to laugh, before running out of the room, calling out that the great alpha Minho was interested in y/n too, no matter what he said to oppose that thought. Said alpha let Felix go and ran after the other omega, intent on murdering him. 

“You little shit, get back here!” He screamed out at the rapper, chasing after him.

“I don’t think so!” Han called back, a cheeky smile plastered on his face. The other observed this chase and laughed at the two of them. This was prime entertainment, after all. Felix and Chan made their way out to the living room, where the majority of the pack had settled, watching the alpha omega pair race around the house in a very scooby doo sort of fashion. 

Eventually Jisung was cornered by the older alpha, and was swiftly pushed up against a wall. Minho attacked the omega’s scent gland, Jisung quickly went into a scent high, going limp in the alpha’s arms. Minho smirked victoriously, bringing the now quiet omega over to sit down on the couch, keeping him in his lap. Seungmin emerged from his room, the last member to join them all in the living room.

“Well, I guess we might as well have the pack meeting now.” Chan piped up, all attention turning to him. 

“What about?” Seungmin asked.

“About y/n.” Chan quickly replied, and that got everyone’s attention. The boys’ attention was solely focused on their pack alpha, well besides Jisung whose head was resting on Minho’s shoulder, the omega still a melted puddle.

The boys started to get louder, each discussing about y/n, before Chan shushed them all. 

“During the fanmeet, I gave y/n my number when signing her album. She messaged me while we were on the way back here. I confirmed it’s actually her, and I know that all of us were interested in her, I could tell by how none of you could shut up about her on the drive home.” He told them, and they all started clamoring for her number.

“Yah! Shut up!” Minho interjected, and they all quickly settled as none of them wanted to earn the man’s ire. 

Chan continued once the noise level had dropped, “My alpha also is attracted to her, at the fansign, it wanted me to pull her into my arms and scent her, everyone else be damned. I know Minho’s alpha was behaving similarly.”

Minho sighed as all attention was directed to him. “My alpha didn’t want to let her go. And wanted to take her and keep her in our nest. And he wouldn’t shut up about how pretty Felix and her would look together in our nest.” He spoke.

This admission from the dancer caused a round of teasing by the rest of the pack. They teased him and his alpha for wanting to essentially kidnap a fan because she was so pretty. Felix sat there blushing, the thought of y/n and him in a nest together painted a pretty picture in his mind, leaving him desiring for that to happen.

Fairly quickly afterwards, the remainder of the boys also speak up about their feelings, except for Han, but Felix shares the other omega’s feelings in his stead. They all found that if their wolves hadn’t outright talked about her, that they at least felt drawn or pulled to her. 

Changbin quickly brought the conversation back around to Chan having her number, which then brought back the clamoring by the others, bar Minho and Han, for their leader to pass on her number to them. Chan sternly told them that he would have to get her permission first before he would even think of handing out her number, which then spurs on calls for him to text her right then and there to ask, as well as a couple of pouts at Chan not immediately giving her number.

The leader sighed, before pulling his phone out and pulling up their texts. 

‘Hey there. So the others found out that I have your number, and they want it as well. I won’t pass it on to them unless I have your express permission to do so.’ He texted y/n.

It took a minute before she responded, and by the time she did, the boys had crowded around him and his phone. 

‘That’s fine! You can give it to them, I don’t mind.’ She replied to him.

“Oh! Ask her if we can have a group chat too!!” Hyunjin shouted out, making Changbin and Felix cover their ears.

‘And I have been asked to ask you if you’re okay with a group chat with the whole group.’ He passed on the question to her.

‘That’s okay with me as well. I assume it was Felix who wanted it? Or Han?’ She asked him.

‘Hyunjin, actually.’ He texted.

‘Ahhh, that would have been my third guess.’ She replied, and he laughed.

Hyunjin pouted, as did Felix, at being so predictable.

Chan quickly created a group chat, adding y/n to it last. As he predicted, the chat quickly fell into chaos. The boys all wanted her attention, and he had to step in to tell them to cool it, both by text and verbally. There were more pouts this time, the boys unhappy about being scolded. 

Since the industry has a habit of not disclosing the idol’s designations to fans since that incident at the fansign, and the pack of boys not knowing what y/n’s designation is, that’s the first thing after introductions to be discussed. Y/n is the first to spill, telling them that she is an omega, to which Felix chimed in as well. Though he already knew that, and was trying to cover up for the growing pool of guilt in his stomach at hiding it. Chan tells her that Han is the other omega of their group. Changbin, Hyunjin and Sungmin all tell her that they’re the betas, Seungmin noting afterwards that he’s the pack beta. This left Jeongin, Minho and Chan as the alphas, with Chan specifying that he’s the pack alpha. 

Y/n was thankful to know what each of the boys was, and now knows why she probably felt the most at ease with Chan, Han and Felix, with two of them being fellow omegas and one being a pack alpha. They start to discuss other topics, though the maknaes try to persuade her to reveal who her bias was, but she kept her mouth shut on that matter. They move on to getting to know her, 20 questions style but really, it was just them asking her questions instead of her asking them any questions.

During all of this, Chan notes that Felix is unusually quiet, which is odd because of how excited he was only five minutes prior. He’s usually the big texting person in the group, and yet he’s barely texting at all, just staring down at his phone. 

Felix is feeling the guilt settle in his chest, weighing him down almost. He can’t push himself to be part of the conversation, only staring down at his phone, slowly drifting away from reality. He can’t help but feel guilty, he ran away from her, and his omega had been berating him for his actions since then. He only jolted back into reality when Chan reached out to shake him, asking if he was okay. The freckled Aussie fakes a smile and tells his alpha that he’s fine. He knew he had to come clean, there was no other way around it. It wasn’t fair to keep her in the dark about this, but it also wouldn’t be fair to drop this over text.

Before he can regret it, he texted her in the group chat, ‘Are you free to call? There’s something you need to know.’ 

This set the pack into pandemonium, thinking that Felix was going to tell her about their feelings. Chan and Minho reach out for his phone, but the omega moves faster, moving out of everyone’s reach. 

A ding was heard as she replied, ‘I’m free right now, Felix. What’s up?’ 

Deciding to just call her instantly, to avoid himself backing out, and to keep the others away from him.

“Hey Felix, what’s up? What did you wanna talk about?” She asked him as soon as she picked up.

“I knew you were an omega.” He blurted out.

“How? You shouldn’t have been able to tell at the fansign, not with my scent covered.” She replied, confused at how he knew.

“I met you before the fansign, actually.” He admitted to her, and the others.

“I think I would have known if we met.” She started, before going silent.

“Y/n?” Felix tentatively called out to the omega over the phone.

“No, we couldn’t have. That was you?” He hears her say, both to him and to herself. 

“It was me. I’m sorry for what I did.” He told her.

“Felix-” She started, but he interrupted her.

“I’m sorry for bumping into you, and I’m so sorry that I ran away. My omega’s been berating me for it since I ran. I figured I’d never run into you again, but then you turned up at the fansign and when you didn’t recognize me, I thought that I just had to get through it and it would all be okay.” He apologized, and explained to the best of his ability.

His heart dropped as he heard a tiny gasp before a sob was heard from her side of the call. He hadn’t meant to make her cry, it was the last thing he had meant to happen. The others hear the sob and it’s enough to shock Han out of his scent high, his instincts on alert almost immediately.

“I didn’t say anything at the fansign because I didn’t think it was a good place to do so, nevermind the backlash that either of us may have faced. I had such a good time talking to you I swear. My omega’s honestly been yearning for you since yesterday, and I’m sorry I was cowardly and ran away. I was just so overwhelmed by everything I was feeling and my omega’s thoughts and urges and I couldn’t think of anything else to do but to run. I’m sorry y/n, for the hurt I caused you. I only hope you can forgive me.” He further explained, hoping that she would accept his apology, but know full well that she didn’t have to. Tears running out of his eyes by the end of his little speech. 

The rest of the pack could only watch on, concerned about both omega’s but unsure of whether to intervene at all. 

“Thank you for telling me, Felix. And thank you for apologizing. In the vein of being honest, after you ran, I went back to the hotel yesterday, because I had been overcome with a feeling of loneliness, and sadness. I made up a nest and after getting in it, I cried myself to sleep almost. My omega cried out for you, she was the most hurt by your actions.” Y/n admitted to not only Felix, but the rest of the boys unknowingly. 

Felix started sobbing, as did y/n. Both omega’s feeling great amounts of sadness, and each feeding off of the other’s emotions. Chan decided it was time to step in, pulling Felix in close and hugging the younger man, taking the phone from his hand and handing it off to Minho as the alpha stepped closer, Han by his side. The other omega wrapped his arms around Felix, providing further comfort.

“Y/n? This is Minho. Can I ask for more details?” The elder alpha asked the girl.

She explained from the beginning, going over the two omega’s first encounter, and ending it with what she had said before, about falling asleep in her nest due to her emotions overtaking her. She told him that she had no idea it was Felix, that for all she knew, it was just a random stranger who smelled amazing, but had just run out of the blue. 

As she continued to talk to Minho, her sentences eventually devolved into sobs and cries instead, fearing that she hurt Felix. Her sobs continued, worrying Minho that she’d start to hyperventilate and pass out because of it. He started to try and calm her over the phone, looking over to see that most of the group had crowded around Felix, trying to calm the omega down, though it wasn’t working. 

Y/n could barely hear Minho’s voice, her sobs having grown louder as she tugged at her shirt, whining and crying that she had made Felix upset. She hadn’t wanted to do that, and she wished she could take back what she said. She curled in on herself, her omega feeling as sad as she was, neither of them wanted this to happen. Her scent soured, smelling bitter now, instead of sweet like it normally did.

Minho called out to the omega, “Y/n? Can you hear me?” 

He only received a whine in reply, but it was better than nothing. 

“Omega, I need you to verbally answer me.” He told her, not wishing to call her that, but knowing it will help bring her back at least slightly.

“Can hear ya.” He heard her mumble.

“Good omega.” He praised her. “Thank you for answering me.”

He doesn’t think she’s going to fully calm down soon, and he’s worried about her dropping, so decided that he needed to go see her. He asked her where her hotel was, receiving the name of a hotel, which he was able to discover wasn’t far from their dorm. He told her to stay calm for him and to keep breathing. 

He caught Chan’s attention, the pack alpha motioning for him to come closer. 

“I’m going to see y/n, she’s in as much distress as he is right now. I’m worried she’ll pass out.” He says quietly, trying not to let the others hear, though his effort is for naught.

Felix and Hyunjin whined at what they overheard, the omega of the two freaking out further that the other omega was in distress because of him, enough so that she might pass out. Felix himself started to hyperventilate, worrying about y/n getting hurt while she’s all alone.

“Alpha, protect omega?” He managed to get out, directing it at Minho.

“We’re gonna protect you baby, don’t worry.” Chan reassured him.

“Not ‘mega, pretty ‘mega.” Tears welled up in Felix’s eyes as they weren’t understanding him. 

“I’m going to go help pretty ‘mega, okay kitten?” Minho said, running his hands through Felix’s hair, pushing his bangs back as he did so.

Felix nodded, before devolving into further worry, his omega taking over at that point. Tears were falling at a fast pace down the blue haired omega’s cheeks and his distressed scent almost made the others choke. Finally, to calm him down and having no other option, Chan scruffed the younger Aussie, causing him to go limp in the leader’s arms. Han grabs Seungmin, and the two start scenting their omega, trying to bring back that happy citrusy scent that they know and love.

Chan motions for Minho to go see y/n, or they’ll be dealing with a distressed omega all night.

“Go on, go see her. Take Hyunjin with you.” Chan ordered the two of them.

They quickly threw their shoes back on, taking the minimum they needed to get out the door. Hyunjin pulled his phone out, getting directions to her hotel. They hurried down the streets to her hotel, somewhat relieved that they made it there in under 20 minutes. 

They rushed into the hotel lobby, y/n having given her room number prior to them leaving the dorm thankfully. They pushed the button for her room, but of course they weren’t alone in the elevator, and it seemed that people had to stop and get out on every single floor. Finally they arrived on her floor, running down the hall to find her room, Hyunjin finding it first.

Minho knocked on the door gently, but loud enough that y/n could hear it. They heard noise from inside the room, before the door slowly opened. Y/n looked a mess, tear-stained cheeks and swollen red eyes from crying. She was still having trouble regulating her breathing, her breath hitching and shaking as she looked up at them. 

“Hi.” She said, barely louder than a whisper. 

Minho, on pure instinct, picked her up and carried her in his arms, one hand pushing her head into his neck and scent gland, letting her scent him if she wanted to. He brought her to her nest in the bed, laying her in it as he stayed outside of it. He looked at her for permission to enter her nest, and she quickly granted it. He crawled into bed almost instantaneously, pulling the omega into his lap and wrapping his arms around her. He rocked her back and forth, letting her scent him as much as she needed. Minho was just there to comfort her without judgment, as she cried into his shoulder. He softly cooed and whispered comforting words to her, telling her that Felix was fine, that the others were with him and that he would be fine, just as she would be fine.

Hyunjin was waiting outside the nest, knowing better than to climb inside without the omega’s permission. At that point, y/n had calmed down quite a bit, and had taken to scenting Minho, which Hyunjin knew the alpha would never let strangers do. Yet here he was, allowing her to do what she needed for comfort. It really did prove that connection they all felt, that the older alpha willingly left Felix in distress to come and see y/n, and even was acting on instinct to calm an omega he had only met briefly hours earlier. 

Minho caught y/n’s attention, pointing to the beta who was waiting. She immediately made grabby hands for the tall dancer, who smiled as he climbed into the nest.

“Hello little omega.” He cooed in greeting, getting a smile and a blush in response.

“Hiii beta.” She said, before hiding her face in Minho’s shoulder, to which the two men chuckled. 

Hyunjin moved close to her, rubbing her back softly. Her scent was still soured, which worried the two of them. It meant that she still hadn’t fully come back from her distress, or was hiding how bad it was. Except for the fact that scents never lied, so the two of them changed positions, laying down in the nest on their sides facing each other, with y/n in the middle of them. They took turns scenting her and trying to get her scent to brighten up. 

“It’s okay, omega. Everyone’s okay, no one’s upset or mad, you’ve done nothing wrong. Your feelings are valid, and we can talk everything out with Felix later, okay? But we need you to feel better first. We can’t have a sad omega, hmm?” Minho continued to reassure her, telling her that Felix would be distressed to see her like this.

Sometime after they arrived, y/n’s scent finally started to smell better, sweeter. Hyunjin’s beta and Minho’s alpha can’t get enough of her scent, the sweet honey and vanilla was so delicious. The boys felt the same way, the two of them chuffing in happiness. This was all strangely intimate for three people who had only met hours earlier, but there was a sense of rightness as they all laid together. It felt like this is what they should be doing, like they were just laying with another one of their packmates, not an omega they had met that day. 

Y/n’s omega was purring in happiness at being in between the alpha and beta. Her omega was loving this, even if it only happened because of a bad situation. The happier she gets, the more delectable her scent gets, and soon enough, the boys can’t help themselves. The two of them descend on her scent glands, attacking them in order to get more of that pretty scent to come out and their wolves want to smell like her, want her pretty omega scent all over them, as a claim of sorts. This attack almost causes y/n to go into a scent high, thankfully for her, they get interrupted before that happens.

Minho picked up her phone to see Chan calling her. He answered, “Hello Channie alpha.” 

“Hello Minho. How is y/n doing? Is she feeling better? I tried to get a hold of both of you, but neither you nor Hyunjin answered.” Chan questioned him, concerned. 

“We’ve taken good care of her, she’s feeling better now.” Minho replied.

“Y/n’s okay? She’s really okay?” Felix’s voice comes through the phone.

Y/n took this as her time to speak up. “I’m okay, Felix. I promise. Are you okay too, sunshine?” She turned the questions back on him.

“I’m okay, I promise!” He told her, wanting her to not be concerned about him.

The two omegas started chatting on other topics, but before long, Chan interrupted them and told them to save the conversation for another time. They both pouted, the respective boys on either side chuckling at their expressions. 

“Minho, Hyunjin, what are your plans now? Are you returning to the dorm now?” He broached the topic of what they would do, now that y/n’s been calmed down.

Hyunjin speaks up first, “Can we bring her back with us? Don’t want to leave her here alone.” Minho hummed in agreement.

Their wolves were insistent on not leaving her here by herself. What if she got distressed again, and they weren’t here to soothe her? That couldn’t be allowed. 

“We want her to come back with us. Omega shouldn’t be left alone.” Minho affirmed Hyunjin’s words. 

The use of omega tipped off Chan that Minho was not fully in control at the moment. That made him concerned, and their insistence really shocked the others, not expecting them to want to bring her back. 

Well, everyone except for Han, he wasn’t shocked that they were behaving like this. Han knew that there was something about her that pulled them in, and he was fully on board with her coming to their dorm. If Minho’s alpha was that protective over her, he knew that she was safe to be around. The man’s alpha is protective over his pack, and he’d never let anyone in that he deemed a threat. Plus, his alpha was right, when he said she’d look cute in their nest. He wanted that too, wanted her and Felix in the nest. She’d be their little omega, that they’d keep safe, and by Felix’s concern, he thought the same. 

“I want her here. Minho-jagi, bring her please.” The quokka-cheeked man spoke up, to everyone’s surprise. Thankfully, no one protested it, and Chan gave in, saying she could come and stay the night, to a round of cheers.

Chan sighed, before calling out to y/n, asking her, “Y/n, do you want to come here and stay with us for the night? You can say no, and I will come and get the boys. But you are welcome here if you want that.”

Y/n nodded, forgetting that Chan couldn’t see her nod. 

Minho caught her attention, “Omega, we need a verbal answer.”

She blushes in embarrassment, “I’d like that.” 

Honestly, she’s still in shock about it all, from getting Chan’s number to now laying here in between two-thirds of Danceracha, and she’s about to go back with them to their dorm. What is this life she’s living right now?

Her omega was thinking about getting to smell Felix’s sweet citrusy smell again. Plus the floral scents coming from Hyunjin, and what she could only think of as a clean laundry scent from Minho. Her omega is increasingly pleased with her situation, knowing that she wanted these boys as her pack, even if y/n hadn’t gotten to that point yet.

After confirming that they’d be heading back to the dorm soon with y/n in tow, Chan hung up. Hyunjin jumped into action, finding a bag of hers, and then heading into her bathroom to collect anything from there that she might need for the night. He found a bag for her hygiene and makeup items in the bathroom, and filled that up, before placing it in the large bag he found. He then moved out back into the main room, looking up at her and asking what he needed to pack for her.

Minho sat the two of them up as she directed him on what to pack, and Hyunjin dutifully followed her orders. Once he had everything, he brought the bag over for her to double check, looking happy once she approved, glad to be of service to the omega. Minho looked at him, pride in his eyes as he looked at the beta, a silent ‘good job’ mouthed to the younger dancer.

Leaving the bag on the bed, he went to find her shoes, as Minho moved them closer to the edge of the nest and bed. Hyunjin came back with her sneakers, and knelt down in front of her. He carefully put her shoes on her feet, the omega looking down at him with slight wonder in her eyes at how sweet the two of them were being. Once he had finished lacing up her shoes, he stood up and stepped back, grabbing her overnight bag in the process.

Minho moved her off his lap, before he slid off of the bed, immediately turning around to reach his hands out for her. She took them, and he helped her slide off the bed as well, landing softly on the ground, as if she was farther off the ground than the couple inches between her feet and the bed. Hyunjin hurried back over to the door, grabbing her coat off the hanger, and helping her into it. The two idols donned masks, and handed her one as well that they nicked on their way out as an extra for themselves. She put it on to conceal her face. They left the hotel room, but not before making sure y/n had the keys to her room.

They quickly rode back down the elevator and left the hotel, starting their journey back home. They two men knew where they were going, and each of them holding her hand, they led her down the streets until they approached the building their dorm was in. Heading up the lift to their floor, the doors opened and they hurried to their apartment. They arrived at the boys’ dorm, but before they could open the door, it opened for them, an excited Han on the other side. 

“You’re here! Come in come in!” He nearly shouted, causing the others to come rushing to the entryway as well, Chan and Felix pushing their way to the front. The two Aussie’s kept everyone back so that the three of them could enter the apartment. The boys took off their shoes, as y/n followed them in doing so. 

Once everyone’s shoes were off, Minho grabbed y/n’s hand and pulled her with him to the living room. He sat down on one of the couches, pulling her down next to him. Felix claimed the spot on her other side, as Han pouted, before he sat down in front of her. That didn’t stop him from complaining about how unfair it was, to the others’ amusement. 

They all started chatting, in an effort to make y’n feel more comfortable in their presence. It worked, to their delight, and she quickly loosened up and joined the conversations. They talked about anything and everything, though the older boys had a lot of fun telling her embarrassing stories about the younger four boys, who retaliated by telling her the same kinds of stories about their elders. This caused her to laugh until her sides hurt, before chiming in with a couple stories of her own. 

Eventually, more yawns than words were coming out of y/n’s mouth, and the eldest two took this as a sign that the small omega needed sleep. 

“I think it’s time for some sleep, yeah?” Chan said as he came up to her, Han had moved out of the way so he could get closer. 

Y/n nodded sleepily, having a harder time keeping herself upright. Chan, after getting verbal confirmation that it was okay to pick her up, did so, before taking her to their pack nest, and laying her in the middle of it. The two omegas hopped in after her, softly talking with her and removing anything on her person that might make sleeping hard. Once they were finished, and moved anything out of the nest, they settled in on either side of her, keeping her between them. 

The three betas climbed into the nest next, Hyunjin on the other side of Felix, while Changbin and Seungmin stayed on Han’s side of the nest. Jeongin slipped in behind Seungmin with Chan capping off that side of the nest, as Minho slid in behind Hyunjin, reaching over him to feel Felix and y/n as much as he could. 

With how many happy and content scents there were surrounding the omegas, it didn’t take long before the three were out cold. The three betas quickly followed, Changbin being the last of the three to fall asleep, watching the younger ones succumb to sleep first before he could. Minho was next, looking at Chan before nuzzling into Hyunjin’s neck and peacefully falling into the hands of sleep, and Chan took one more look around, his alpha being the happiest at seeing all of them safe here in the nest, before he too slipped into dreamland. The dorms were finally quiet, and the nine of them were safe in the nest, where they couldn’t be harmed.

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[pastafossa]

Happy Birthday and a merry 6 years to TRT! 🎂 🎁 🎈 🎉 🍰

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Some FUN TRIVIA FACTS:

TRT's sun sign is VIRGO and its moon sign is LEO!

After 6 years, its current wordcount is 932k words. If you put that in size 12 arial font, single-spaced, this would come to about 2000 pages, and even more if the pages were the usual mass market paperback size!

TRT is now 40 in cat years!

The Man in the White Coat is my tribute to the Mad Scientist trope common in scifi, which is one of my favorite genres!

It is old enough developmentally to tie its shoes! Keep going, TRT!

Ciro is partially inspired by John Marcone from The Dresden Files!

TRT shares a birthday with literary great Agatha Christie! Maybe I'll introduce poison-based murder into the fic in her honor...

The idea of seeing threads came to me after seeing a meme about red threads tying soul mates together. Everything that came after - the other threads, the thread world, how it works, is unique to TRT!

TRT is now longer than War and Peace, and Crime and Punishment combined! So if you've read all of TRT so far, then you have the perfect middle finger to anyone who tries to say you can't focus on longer stories!

The inciting penguin documentary that Foggy drunkenly watched (which led to him declaring Matt and Jane 'penguins') was about Adelie penguins specifically!

Jane has a leather jacket because I love leather jackets and think all badass characters should have a leather jacket! And so you should you! EVERYONE DESERVES A COOL LEATHER JACKET.

The long hiatus between Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 was because I had life things pop up. During that hiatus, I realized the plotline/ending needed some work, so I spent those two years outlining, and I also wound up doing a bunch of additional novel writing classes just because I wanted to learn. A lot of this wound up influencing TRT!

The grey threads are one of the only threads that no one has solved yet!

There are absolutely some bad people working for Cyrus James. There is also a guy named Kyle. He is there not for Evil Purposes (tm) but instead because this was the only place he could work that would allow him to pay off his student loans.

When I started TRT, I thought maybe 5 people total would read it. I was told five people total would read it by some shitty people. So I wrote it expecting five total people would read it, and told myself at least I'd enjoy it, and I could use it to learn. In other words: I had ZERO idea TRT would take off like this. None. Nada. Zip. AND LOOK AT US NOW, BABY. FUCK THE HATERS, 6 YEARS AND GOIN' STRONG.

Based on my outline, we're a bit over halfway to the end!

I hope you enjoyed these TRT funfacts. And I hope you know: this fic isn't just me. It's you, too. This fic has become so much larger than just me. It's the TRT playlist you've sent songs in for that keeps me inspired when writing. It's the fanart I look at to give me a boost. It's your sweet comments and likes and kudos and messages that encourage me when I'm sick or depressed. It's the people who've made friends over this fic, or who've been inspired to write fic themselves, adding beautiful works to the community that we all use to keep going. It's all of this love for both TRT and Matt, and I'm so happy that I've been able to contribute in at least a small way in keeping Charlie!Daredevil love alive even after the show's been gone for years now. I love you all so, so goddamn much. I love this fandom. I love TRT with all my heart. Thank you so much for being a part of these past six years through cancelations, through your high school and college years and beyond, through my ups and downs of moving and sickness and fiberglass and pandemic craziness, through late night chapter drops and wild twists and turns.

And I hope the next few years as we enter the second half of this story are just as amazing!

[mishydraws]

Very... very unfortunate life update

Hi, everyone.

Ok, I don’t want to waste your time but I wanted to be upfront about what’s going on in my life just so you all know.

Last night I got what is probably one of the worst emails that could have ever appeared in my inbox? Our landlord has given us a 60-day notice to get out. For context, my mom and I have been living here since the year 2000. We have never been late on rent or missed a payment despite every difficulty life has thrown at us in that time and this has completely blindsided us.

We haven’t spoken to any of the neighbors yet but some of the wording on the notice makes me think that they may be kicking out the entire building. Or maybe they’re just targeting those of us in the non-renovated units because we’ve been here so long and they could charge a new tenant much more with a quick kitchen and bathroom upgrade. Renoviction is a new word I just learned. I don’t know. That’s what happened to my brother at his last apartment. They kicked out everyone in his building, renovated, raised the rent, then let new people move in.

They suddenly started increasing our rent every year like clockwork a few years ago so I’ve had a feeling they’ve been trying to price us out for a while but I didn’t know they could just… tell us to leave just because they can. Rent consistently paid up and everything for 24 years.

The notice we received really doesn’t say much so it’s all speculation I guess. It doesn’t state a reason why it just says we need to be gone by March 31st.

But basically, I’m really not doing well right now in all honesty. I slept for maybe an hour last night and it’s like a switch flipped in me as soon as I read the email. My stomach has had this weird knotted feeling ever since and I can’t stand up for more than a few minutes before needing to lie down again in case I either faint or vomit… I’m not sure which but it’s been this way since last night. I had to stand up at the sink to wash one singular dish from dinner and I could barely do it. At least I didn’t see the email until after I ate last night because I still have no appetite now.

However bad I’m feeling I know my mom is probably feeling worse. She has been for a while. She’s getting older and my dad is no longer alive. Aside from my brother and one irl friend I still see in person regularly, we have no family or other support system in this country and are well and truly on our own, staring down the barrel of homelessness if we can’t quickly secure a place and move decades worth of our life there before the end of March.

All of this to say, I don’t know what our usual art shenanigans here are going to look like during this time. I am incredibly stressed to the point where I am physically ill but I also can’t pause and step away because I do need the income that I receive from your support of me/my art here. It’s just the reality. I’ve never been particularly Big And Successful with what I do so your support means all the much more and makes a real impact on my life.

I am so sorry if this dampens your mood at all today or if you notice a decrease in the quality of art I’m able to deliver over the next few months but I will try my best to keep things rolling and let you know if there’s any particular delays to expect.

To top it off, I requested a tour of a nearby apartment last night (more expensive than our current) and the name of the person who just texted me back has the same name as our current landlord. Who wants to start taking bets? I know for a fact they own a lot of property in the area so this isn’t looking promising.

Anyways. Sorry for this downer of a post. If we’re not homeless in 2 months then… I dunno. I’ll have somewhere indoors to do art? Yay? You can imagine the housing market we’re dealing with being in California. The prospect of moving at this point has always been one of my biggest fears but we’ll see if we get lucky real fast 😢

If you've ever thought about supporting my Patreon or anything else, now and over the next few months might be a good time if you can swing it. Maybe it'll help us secure a place to move if I can point to it and be like 'Look! A whole income!' 🥲 Idk man.

There's an art update in the (public) post I made if you want to see what we're at least trying to work on for sticker club through all of this.

Mishy

[prettyboysun]

a love that always feels like summer

choi yeonjun x f!reader | the rest of txt are in here too lol | set in the mid 2000′s | fluff, angst, non-detailed smut | wrote this to satisfy my yearning of a teenage summer romance in the 20th century lol synopsis: saved by yeonjun at a party once, the universe somehow manages to keep you two gravitating towards one another. eventually sneaked glances and secret rendezvous turn into something much more. will the two of you be able to break each other’s difficult pretenses of love? or will everything just turn out to be a summer fling?  warnings/tw: underage drinking & smoking, mentions of alcohol, implied sex, character death, cursing word count: 12k

the four of you sat in jisoo’s brand new car gifted to her by her dad after graduation. it was a convertible and of course the roof was down on a pretty summer afternoon. you gazed out at the city passing by, the warm wind beating against your skin. “Y/n babe- this ones for you.” You turned to jisoo in the drivers seat, giving her a questioning look. You heard the beginning of since you’ve been gone by Kelly Clarkson playing and the four of you laughed in unison, shaking your head teasingly and looking back out the window. you had just broken up with your ‘boyfriend’ of almost two years. Kris asked you out halfway through junior year at your schools annual winter dance. It was pretty smooth sailing for a while, well at least you thought it was. A few weeks after your started dating you found out he only asked you out at the winter formal as a dare. When you confronted him about it, he defended himself saying he truly fell for you. it was ironic to say he fell for you after a few weeks of barely knowing each other, especially because you were truly convinced he never romantically liked you at all.  he would only kiss you when he coincidentally saw you on campus to show off to his guy friends. when he was around girls, he wouldn’t even spare you a greeting. you planned dates with him at least once a month in hopes of saving your relationship, to which he would sometimes ‘forget.’ When he would show up to your dates, he was like the perfect boyfriend. Maybe having those days where it was just the two of you made you feel loved and cancelled out all the other shitty things he did. Needless to say, it was an empty, fake, high school relationship. He used you for a title and you were too foolish to notice, too foolish to listen to your friends when they advised you to break up with him. “We’re just very independent” you would tell them in defense, but eventually even you had to start convincing yourself the relationship was real. Three weeks before graduation, you had finally broken up with him. You were shocked to find him surprised about the breakup.

“Did I do something wrong? We were perfectly fine together. Are you cheating on me-“ he feigned innocence of all his wrongdoings and if someone were to witness your breakup they would think he actually loved you. He held onto your wrist looking for an explanation. you scoffed and rolled your eyes in annoyance, throwing his hand off of your wrist. ”don’t act like you ever cared about me. I’m breaking up with you, so don’t contact me and don’t act like you want me back.” You kept your explanation short, not wanting to call out all the ways in which he mistreated you—although it was tempting. He already wasted so much of your time that you didn’t even want to spend another second looking at him. “but-“ you quickly left the scene, knowing he would just make excuses if you stayed any longer to listen to him. “y/n, wait!” he didn’t even try to contact you once after the breakup, which made you despise him even more. you smiled at the memory, proud of yourself to have broken things off with that douchebag who you wasted your teenage years foolishly pining on. you wish you could take back all the firsts he stole from you.

“ugh! I can’t believe I used to like that dude.” Your head fell back against the seat and you rubbed your temples, frustrated at your past self. “girl, we tried telling you countless times.” jisoo reminded. “I know and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you guys.” You pouted, sending them apologetic looks. “boooo, you whore.” Ellie quoted mean girls, which she has been doing nonstop since it was released last year. you and your friends are convinced she watches it every night before she goes to sleep. “its okay y/n, I never listen to ya’ll either.” Karina said, which you all agreed in unison to. She was the human depiction of ‘asking friends for advice but never following it.’ “okay damn, you weren’t supposed to agree to that.” Karina folded her arms and sent each of you glares. 𓆩♡𓆪 the four of you arrived at a random house where one of many graduation parties occurred during the summer. It was a fairly large estate and a local band was supposed to be playing for the night. You stuck by karina’s side, not wanting to be left alone especially as you didn’t really know a lot of people. “Oh Sophia, hey! How are you doing?” Karina came across Sophia, your class’s valedictorian. you turned around at the name, happy to see someone you talked to during school. “Y/n, Karina, what’s up? I’m doing great, how bout you guys?” “im doing good.” “Same here.” You added on. “so ms. valedictorian, any plans this summer?” Karina asked. Unlike your stereotypical nerdy valedictorian, Sophia had a lot of friends and was very easy going. “haha please, we already graduated.” She gave Karina  a playful push on the shoulder. “just trying to enjoy my last summer here before I move to reed university for the semester.” “Awwww, so you’ll be going out of state?” You were truly sad to see one of your friends leave, but also proud of her. “yep, my mom and dad want me to, so-“ she just shrugged her shoulders and gave a tight lipped smile. “oh damn, as long as you’re happy though.” Your friend Karina shrugged too. Not wanting to say much on the matter to dictate sophia’s life. You gave a sad smile to her. “thanks guys. I’ll see you around?” She gave a thankful smile in return. “yeah, we’ll see you around.” You replied to her.  The both of you waving goodbye as she trailed off to god knows where in the crowded house. you and Karina make your way to the drinks section, your eyes landing on a familiar face handling the drinks. “what the hell, Beomgyu?!” You excitedly call his attention to you. Also greeting Taehyun who was by his side. Karina wandered off to catch up with another group of people. “y/n!” Beomgyu offers a big smile to you and gives a side hug. “we’re the mixers for tonight.” Beomgyu motions to the drinks and supplies in front of them. “I can see that.” You hesitantly nod, suspicious about their abilities to mix drinks that don’t taste like poison. “we’ve been asking people to vote on the better mixer and as you’d expect, of course I’m winning.” Taehyun said cockily, earning a glare from Beomgyu. “Yeah right, flirting with the girls doesn’t count in getting you votes.” You laughed at their usual banter. “Mmm I believe it. If Beomgyu can’t mix substances in chemistry he sure can’t mix drinks.” Beomgyu’s jaw dropped at your words, sporting a shocked expression. You recall the time the three of you had chemistry class together, in which you grew close to Beomgyu who was assigned to sit next to you. Taehyun had always joined the two of you for group projects and labs. “Hah! Nice one!” Taehyun laughed and held his hand up for you to hi-five. “Don’t bother finding anything to say back, you wouldn’t have passed chemistry if it wasn’t for y/n.” Taehyun just added fuel to the fire. “I’m not doing this anymore.” Beomgyu pushed the red cups back and stepped away from the counter with the most deadpan expression on his face. “Beomgyu no!! We need your amazingggg mixing skills.” You said sarcastically, reaching out your hand to him so he wouldn’t leave. As if on cue, a group of friends pulled up to the counter, tasking Taehyun and Beomgyu with making them drinks. Of course, they had to ask the innocent group of friends about who made the better drinks. “Y/n, the band playing tonight is gonna start performing in likeeeee-“ he looked over at the digital clock behind him. “-10 minutes! They’ll be in the back.” “You guys aren’t coming?” You asked him. Not wanting to be alone outside. “In a few, after we’re finished here.” “Alright then.” You gave a small smile and waved to them as you left to the backyard. 𓆩♡𓆪 you savored the cool night breeze the backyard had to offer, although it was still victim to the loud music blasting from inside the house. the backyard was significantly less crowded and consisted of different friend groups hanging out in their own worlds, couples flirting or making out and the band setting up their equipment for the night. You joined Karina and jisoo who were talking with a group of familiar faces. Laughing and catching up with them was although short-lived as you witnessed hoards of people making their way into the backyard. The music in the house stopped moments prior, someone probably announcing that the bands performance was about to start. you had now stood up to join the crowd forming around the band. screeeeeeeeech the feedback from the mic had made everyone cringe and stop their conversations. Some people complaining and letting out curses from the horrible sound. “oh shit- sorry about that yall.” a guitarist from the band had spoken into the microphone. “but anyways!…..” the band had introduced themselves and the songs they were going to perform. Soon enough everyone in the crowd were jumping and dancing to the upbeat pop-rock song they were playing. You had eventually even came across beomgyu and Taehyun in the crowd with their friends. In which you opted to dancing and jumping around with them too. You bended over clenching your stomach in laughter having front row seats to witness beomgyu and some random dude having an impromptu dance battle. now a slow ballad song was playing and some people in the crowd danced with their friends, some grabbed the closest person nearby and others took the opportunity to be close to their crushes of the night. you were currently slow dancing with Karina who was conveniently nearby. You had giggled at a drunk Ellie who was dramatically swaying to the music with her boyfriend. He looked panicked as he tried to stop her from losing balance and toppling over. You looked in another direction to see beomgyu and his friend sensually dancing together. “Rina, look at them.” you pointed in the direction of beomgyu and his friend, the two of you laughed together after seeing beomgyu grope his friends bottom, witnessing the horrid expression on his friends face as it turned into a sneaky smile before he did the same to beomgyu--earning a quick slap on the hand from him. you enjoyed the relaxing melody of the song and the joyous atmosphere of it all, even the fairy lights strung from the roof looked especially pretty tonight. you peered over karinas’s shoulder and saw one of  beomgyus close friends embracing a popular cheerleader from your school as they slowly swayed to the music. He slowly leaned down towards her face. Before you could see what happened another couple moved in front of your line of sight, blocking the view. You looked away but nonetheless were curious. “hey, is luna hooking up with anybody?” You asked Karina as she was also on the cheer team. “hm?” Karina gave you a confused expression, surprised at the sudden question. “not that I know of. I don’t think she’s dating anyone either. Why?” “nothing, just wondering.” You returned to dancing.                    𓆩♡𓆪    the band wrapped up their last song and everyone went their separate ways. some people made their way home hauling their drunk friends with them or went inside the house for more drinks. “hey y/n!” You turned around at the sound of Taehyun calling your name. You dismissed yourself from your group of friends and made your way over to Taehyun and beomgyu with their friends. “Y/n, this is kai and soobin who go to bear creek.” Bear creek was the high school on the other side of town.

“I’m y/n, nice to meet you.” You offered a small wave and smile to the two tall boys in which they did the same. You recognized kai as the friend beomgyu groped earlier.

“So I saw you two getting it on on the dance floor earlier.” You motioned to beomgyu and kai with a playful tone. The group of boys all made different sounds of acknowledgment. You saw soobin hiding his face behind his hands and shaking his head groaning in embarrassment over the two’s shenanigans. “yeah sorry we got a little carried away.” Beomgyu fluttered his long eyelashes and tucked his imaginary hair behind his ear. Kai’s loud laugh in return caught your attention and made you laugh too. “y/n, try this.” Taehyun handed you a cup with unknown substances in it mixed into a light pink color. “you still need to decide who the better mixer is.” “haha!” Beomgyu let out a loud laugh. “Oh cmon Taehyun don’t embarrass yourself like this.” you took a small sip of the drink Taehyun handed to you. You slowly nodded your head at the taste. “Not bad…” slightly grimacing at the bitter aftertaste. “ok now try mines.” You gave the cup back to Taehyun and took the blue drink beomgyu had in his hands. “wait, palette cleanser first.” You took a quick gulp of the bottle of coke you had in your hands. the 4 boys watched in amusement as you took a sip of beomgyus drink. Taking the cup away from your lips with wide eyes that made the boys laugh, you took another sip. You were surprised with how good beomgyu’s drink was. It tasted nothing like alcohol and instead resembled the blue raspberry airheads if they were in liquid form. “Taehyun, it’s not good to flirt with people for votes.” You said with the utmost feigned concern in your voice and expression, making the boys jest at Taehyun. You laughed at taehyuns helpless expression. “I’ll be back guys, need to use the restroom.” You pointed to the house behind you over your shoulder. “m’kay see you later.” Beomgyu and the boys bidded goodbye. Before you could open the sliding door into the house you felt a hand grab at your wrist. “Y/n. Let’s talk.” You turned around to be met with kris. Immediately smelling the alcohol ooze off of his body and especially in his breath as he spoke. ‘Oh great, what a way for my night to be ruined.’ You rolled your eyes and sighed. “kris. We broke up. there’s nothing to talk about.” “y/n please it’ll be real quick. You can’t just break up with me like that.” You gave him a look of disbelief at his whiny tone. “oh my god, grow up will you?” You shook off his hands from your wrist. “y/n stop being stubborn just talk to me.” he gave you a pleading look on that annoying face of his. he had stopped you at the back entrance into the house so people who passed by surely were able to hear what the two of you were talking about. Not wanting to cause a scene you agreed to talk to him. ❁ཻུ۪۪♡ he brought you to the side of the house, which happened to be empty at the moment. “Okay, what do you want.” You stood in front of him, impatiently crossing your arms and anxiously chewing at your lips. “did I do something wrong? we dated for so long y/n and now you want to break up with no explanation?” “no explanation?! Your actions alone were enough of an explanation. You can’t just date me and act like I don’t exist!” Maybe it was whatever Taehyun and beomgyu put in those drinks that made you raise your voice but you truly wanted to be calm talking to xxxxx. It just seemed impossible now that he was actually in front of you, asking you what went wrong in the relationship. well the very problem in your relationship was standing right in front of you. “You know I hate clingy people y/n, we went through this so many times already.” You let out an exasperated scoff in disbelief at his words. “acknowledging my existence isn’t called being clingy. did you ever once ask me out on a date? Remember our anniversaries? Shit-“ you arms flew up in disbelief remembering certain moments. “-you never even said hi to me when you were busy sucking up to other girls. Couldn’t you at least spare your own girlfriend a glance?” “babe, be serious here. yeah I sometimes forget those things but you’re still my girlfriend, I still like you.” Before you could say anything back he stepped closer to you, one hand on your waist and the other caressing your cheek. Oh how you used to love when he touched you—or even showed you any affection at all. “don’t babe me, what the fuck kris we broke up already, it’s over.” You stepped away in disgust at his touch, removing his hands from your body. “y/n, baby, I know you’re not serious. you already know I’m sorry” He stepped closer to you once again with a grin on his face. How dare he find this situation amusing? this time he restrained both of your hands by holding them, stopping you from pushing him away. his face went closer to yours, trying to kiss you. “Ugh-get the fuck off me! You’re drunk! Let go!” You struggled against his strong hold, moving your face around and squirming to avoid his disgusting lips on your body. you weren’t going to let this be like the countless times you’d call him out for being a lousy boyfriend, which always ended up with him manipulating you and getting you into bed ‘as an apology.’ “Hey dude-” The two of you look in the direction of the unfamiliar voice. You see beomgyu’s friend from earlier taking a puff of a cigarette. Exhaling the smoke then tossing it onto the ground, killing it’s flames with the bottom of his shoe. Has he been standing there the whole time? “-she said it’s over already. What’s so hard to understand about that.” He calmly states in his low voice. You took the chance to free yourself from kris’s hold and distance yourself from him, rubbing your wrists in pain from his tight hold.  Kris scoffs and looks to the side. Closing his eyes for 2 seconds in frustration, his tongue poking his cheek from the inside. He returns his gaze to beomgyus friend, pissed at his audacity to interfere in his business. “it’s none of your fucking business. Fuck off already Choi Yeonjun.” you remember tagging along with kris to a party when you first began dating. You had witnessed kris try to joke around about something out of line, which yeonjun didn’t stand for. So when yeonjun called him out in front of everyone at the party, he got heated and tried to start shit with him. After that encounter kris became pissed at you whenever he saw you hanging around Beomgyu and Taehyun at school. “how can I when I came here with her?” He steps close to your body, putting an arm over your shoulder and leaning into your side. your heart speeds up from the close proximity. Taking note of how warm he feels and how he smells like cigarettes, yet also sweet, probably from his cologne. “you and y/n?” Kris lets out a mocking snicker and shit eating grin. Crossing his arms in amusement and disbelief at the sight. “I don’t believe it.” you clenched your fists at your sides and narrow your eyes out of anger. You were tired of always being belittled by him. Before you can speak up to defend yourself yeonjun softly brushes the hair away from your left shoulder, planting a warm lingering kiss onto the exposed juncture between your neck and shoulder. he leave his lips there for a second before opening his eyes to look directly into kris’s. you bite your lip in order to hold back the butterflies you feel in your stomach and the blood rushing to your cheeks. “well hopefully you’ll believe it now.” You can see the right corner of his lip curl up into a smirk. kris stands there frozen. His gaze travels back and forth between you and yeonjun before looking at you. “first Taehyun and beomgyu, and now yeonjun?” He laughed a little too hard. “Always knew you were a slut.” He says directly while looking into your eyes. You feel yeonjun’s body tense up against yours. Your heart beats faster out of anger and your eye brows furrow, flinching at the slur he called you. He leaves, shoulder bumping into yeonjuns on the way out. you and yeonjun stand there side by side, with his arm still hanging around your shoulder. you take a slow breath to cool down and calm your nerves. Looking up at yeonjun, he has an unreadable expression while staring straight ahead. He stays like that for a few moments before taking his arm off your shoulder and placing it into the back pockets of his jeans. his body now facing yours. You couldn’t help but notice how stupidly good his arms looked in his wife beater flexed in that position. the light from the sconces mounted on the wall making them seem like they were perfectly sculpted by some ancient artists. Why the hell were you focusing on yeonjuns arms right- “should I have beat his ass up?” He asks in a too casual tone and serious expression, breaking you out of your thoughts. you burst into a smile and giggle at the absurdity of it all. “he’s not even worth the trouble, trust me.” You convincingly tilt your head at him, you were pretty sure he knew where you were coming from after being there to witness the whole ordeal. “i’ll have to agree with you on that one.” you smiled at his comment before realizing the situation you were in. You slowly crossed your arms while avoiding looking in yeonjun’s direction. “but was all of that really necessary?” you asked. it was your first time meeting him but he just witnessed you arguing with your shitty ex. you were now suspicious of him, especially after witnessing him (maybe) kiss someone earlier. Or maybe he was just too attractive for you to let your guard down around. Yeonjun let out an amused smile at your now defensive stance and disposition. he found your little pout and flustered expression cute. “I don’t think he would’ve gone away if I hadn’t done that.” yeonjun looked at you, watching you nod slowly and kick at random pebbles on the ground. “I only witnessed everything up to the part where he forced himself on you.” He assured. You looked up at yeonjun with obvious relief shown on your face. ‘cute’ yeonjun thought to himself. Smiling at your adorable antics. “oh, okay then, that’s good. thanks for saving me.” you looked up to offer him a small smile of gratitude. he didn’t say anything but instead just softly looked at you — staring at you, almost. You stood there awkwardly under his gaze, silence suddenly taking over the atmosphere. Yeonjun in all honesty was enamored with you. He liked the way you avoided eye contact with him but at the same time weren’t shy to look directly into his eyes. He liked the way you seemed small and fragile but also knew how to stand your ground. He liked the way your features were shadowed and highlighted by the light nearby. he wanted to know more about you. “next time you go to these parties, call me? i’ll be your personal bodyguard.” You were caught off guard by his strange request. “hm?” You let out a confused noise that shocked even you. You didn’t mean for your confusion to slip out like that. yeonjun laughed heartily at your reaction. The sound making you ease up. “so? you don’t like the idea of a completely free personal bodyguard?” He tilted his head at you and smirked. You’d be lying if you said his annoyingly pretty face alone didn’t convince you to entertain his strange request. you were interrupted before you could speak up to accept his offer. “y/n! Is that you?” You looked away from yeonjun to see jisoo calling out your name, aggressively squinting to see if it was truly you she was seeing. you saw Karina and ellie’s boyfriend Jacob occupied with dragging a drunk Ellie to the direction of the car. you’ve never felt more grateful about jisoo basically being blind than in this moment. Part of you didn’t want to have to explain to your crazy friends about why you were seen alone with yeonjun at a secluded part of the house—the famous yeonjun whom everyone knew and pined over. You thanked jisoo in your head for saving you from the awkward situation with yeonjun. “yeah, its me! I’ll be there soon!” You shouted in her direction, hoping her horrible vision wouldn’t allow her to notice yeonjun with you. you turned your attention back to the boy in front of you, leaving him hanging about his request to be your ‘personal bodyguard.’ “Tell the guys I said bye?” you felt bad about telling them you’d be back, only to disappear for the night. “yeah, I’ll let them know.” you started to jog to catch up with your friends. ‘did I just get rejected?’ yeonjun thinks to himself after failing to get your number and also having you walk away from him like nothing happened. He starts to follow your now distant figure. “bye y/n!” you looked back to see yeonjun who moved from his previous spot and was now waving at you beneath the moonlit summer night. a pretty smile shown on his face. In all honestly it felt weird hearing your name come from his mouth. “bye yeonjun!” You waved back to him and returned his smile. ❁ཻུ۪۪♡ yeonjun caught up with the four boys in the backyard. “Where have you been?” Soobin eyes yeonjun up suspiciously. “Probably making out with some random girl.” Kai squealed the last part out in a childish tone, earning a punch to the shoulder from yeonjun. “y/n wanted to say bye to you guys but she left with her friends already.” Yeonjun took a sip from the red cup he snatched from Taehyun. “ew the hell is this? this is horrible.” He grimaced at the bitter taste and swirled around the liquid in the cup. He was confused from the silence amongst the usually noisy boys. he looked up to be met with judging expressions from not only beomgyu and Taehyun but also soobin and kai who had only just met you that night. “what?” Yeonjun asked, not knowing why they were looking at him like that. “y/n?? As in my friend y/n??” Beomgyu questioned, pointing to himself with that judging look still on his face. “cmon man, not y/n.” soobin added on. He had only met you that same night but already liked your presence. “oh my goddddd.” Yeonjun sighed and rolled his eyes. “I didn’t make out with her and I didn’t sleep with her.” He swept his onyx hair back. “yeah, we know, y/n would never stoop that low.” Taehyun said earning him an astonished expression from yeonjun and laughs from soobin and kai. eventually the topic of conversation switched after yeonjun put taehyun in a head lock. beomgyu who was the closest to you was still shocked at hearing yeonjun mention your name so casually. ✧ ˚ 　· 　　 . you woke up to the bright sun piercing though your window. ‘I thought I closed them last night.’ You groggily think to yourself. Maybe the sound of your door opening and your moms voice wasn’t apart of your dream after all. You tried, really tried to ignore the bright sun and go back to sleep but with the snores of Ellie passed out dead next to you and her legs strewed over yours, it was impossible to succumb to your precious sleep. You sighed and admitted defeat for the day, sitting up to see the digital clock on your nightstand read 9:32 in the morning. You had honestly forgotten you lost the game of Rock Paper Scissors to your friends, which explained Ellie sleeping with you in your bed. Despite her intoxicated mind last night, she was able to let you guys know that her parents would kill her if she came home drunk at night. you were all very shocked to hear Ellie sound perfectly sober while explaining to her parents she would spend the night at your house. As expected from a drama kid. you managed to move your leg that was asleep—under the weight of Ellies leg—off the bed and carried the rest of your body towards the bathroom to freshen up. You mindlessly brushed your teeth, going over random thoughts in your head. your encounter with yeonjun last night managed to make itself known in your head. You took the toothbrush out of your mouth, sighing loudly and placing both of your palms on the counter, using it to support your weight while you closed your eyes.  ‘Choi Yeonjun…?’ You shook your head in disbelief at the moment the two of you shared last night. ‘Personal bodyguard??’ You chewed at your lip and shook your head some more. “yeah I liked that movie too.” You yelped and jumped back in surprise, seeing Ellie standing beside you, currently yawning and having her hands in your shorts (that you struggled to put on her last night) scratching at her butt. You couldn’t believe you were thinking out loud and couldn’t believe you didn’t hear Ellie enter the bathroom. Hopefully she only heard the second part of your inner thoughts. “god, make some noise will you, scared the crap outta me.” you eye her up offendedly, your words being a bit muffled from the toothpaste in your mouth. “sorry ‘bout that biatch.” She takes her toothbrush that’s been at your house from the countless sleepovers with your friends. The two of you eventually stare at the mirror busy brushing away. you lean down towards the faucet to rinse your mouth with water before Ellie lets out 3 astonishing syllables. “CHWE FMKIN UNJOON?!” (Actually 5 syllables) you manage to decipher her muffled words as ‘choi fucking yeonjun.’ Before you can retaliate you’re busy trying to catch your breath from choking on the minty sink water. You look up to see Ellie staring at you with saucer eyes, looking comical as the blue foam escapes past her lips and her arm remains holding in the toothbrush in her mouth. When you return eye contact she hurriedly spits out the toothpaste in her mouth. After at least 5 minutes of back and forths in the bathroom you finally give in and tell her all about what happened the night before. “the peng yeonjun? Yeonjun who only actually speaks to girls if he’s gonna screw them that night? And fuck kris! m proud of you for standing up to him.” Ellie says all at once as you sit facing each other on your bed. “yes! that yeonjun, starts with a y and ends with an n. The only person in this town named yeonjun. And yeah screw kris, that jackass—wait, what do you mean yeonjun who sleeps with girls?” You asked dumbfounded. “y/n literally everyone knows this already, even emo Gregory.” (Emo Gregory being the dark emo kid at your school who talks to literally no one.) okay you knew she was lying about emo Gregory because there’s no way he would know anything about yeonjun who went to a different high school. “Every single girl says they wish they were Luna just so they could get yeonjun’s attention.” Suddenly the information Ellie told you and the scene you witnessed on the dance floor last night started to make sense. “are they… fuck buddies…?” you hesitantly ask, almost asking if they were dating but with the context clues of the information you just received, you redacted it to friends with benefits. Ellie slings both her arms backwards and falls on her back onto your pillows. “ugh idk, they don’t seem like that though, more likeeeeee…besties…?” She tilts her head at the thought and grimaces. “they’re just…weird, that’s all I know.” you sit there in silence trying to process it all. “-and I also know I have a banging ass headache.” ✧ ˚ 　· 　　 . later that evening you walked to a nearby Chinese restaurant to pick up dinner for your family. You had your mini disc player in hand and headphones playing your favorite band from the 70’s, bee gees. Having your parents be friends with the owners meant simply placing an order over the landline. you walk into the cozy restaurant, hearing the chime of the door go off. ‘Oh Y/n! Your food will be out in a few.’ Your family friend told you as you waited by the counter. through the music in your headphones you could hear a familiar sound. You looked up to see a familiar group of boys gathered at a table, kai’s laugh in particular catching your attention. You stayed at your spot for a bit, not wanting to intrude. Until you met eyes with beomgyu who was facing your direction, in which you gave him a disgusted look while raking his body up and down with your eyes. something the two of you usually did whenever you met eye contact across the room. He did the same to you, making kai and soobin turn their heads in your direction. They waved at you and called your name to which you reciprocated with a smile: which is how you found yourself seated at a table in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your food with three particular boys engaging in casual conversation. “y/n, help yourself.” Soobin motioned to the food laid out in front of them, half eaten and all. “no it’s okay.” You waved your hands in front of you to deny his offer. “My foods coming out in a bit anyways.” “soobin, we already ate the food.” Hueningkai breaks out into an awkward fit of laughter, apologizing to you on the behalf of soobins offer. Beomgyu pushes soobins head (which he was in fact looking at his lap in shame) with his knuckles, clicking his tongue at him. “Boy are you embarrassing.” soobin threatens to do the same with beomgyu, which makes him flinch in his seat. You laugh at the scene. “Leave the poor boy alone.” You say to kai and beomgyu. “At least y/n has my back.” He sneers at the two boys and crosses his arms in defense. “taehyun isn’t here with you guys?” You ask, used to seeing he and beomgyu together. before you could receive a reply from kai, beomgyu cuts him off. Propping his elbow on the table and putting his fist against his cheek to hold his head up. Hearing about one of his close friends reminded him of another. “soooooo you meant yeonjun huh?” You’re caught off guard by the question but try not to show it. “yeahhhhh, last night at the party actually.” You stretch out the first part just as beomgyu did with his question. not receiving any words back you slowly sit back into your seat and cross your arms in suspicion. “Why?” “mm nothing, just didn’t know you two had met.” Beomgyu says dismissively, pursing his lips at the thought. Soobin and kai sat there awkwardly, switching their sights between the two of you and observing the strange atmosphere. you were saved from beomgyu’s weird behavior by the owner calling your name out for your finished order. “bye kai, bye soobin. i’ll see you guys around.” you waved goodbye to them as you quickly got up from your seat next to beomgyu. You were a bit pissed at beomgyu for suddenly making the atmosphere awkward with his friends around, perplexed at his actions. the boy in question was as bit as perplexed as you were. He didn’t want to admit he was being possessive of you as his friend. If it were with soobin and kai he wouldn’t mind, but with yeonjun? Yeonjun who mentioned your name so casually that night, as if he’d known you for as long beomgyu knew you? Yeonjun, his dear friend that he loved and cared for... maybe he was possessive over both of his friends, actually. ------------ GODDAMn I wrote this like a few months ago and wanted to post it as a full story but I got writers block lol... depending on how well this does I might find the inspiration to write more chapters for it idk :/ also might change the title of this :0

[feralboimurphy]

Benson Boone’s new album has a few Jeric songs on it. I will explain.

Beautiful Things: Jack has OCD (at least a lot of signs point to it) and of course that means getting in his own head about having everything good (eric, shawn, his friends). He might self destruct, but he would die if he would lose it all over again.

Forever and A Day: This song is the both of them to each other. The first part of the song is Eric.

“No words convey the way it felt for me to finally hold you.” Eric spent 15 years without the man he thought of as his soulmate after almost getting him back in 2000. The moment he got it, he clearly wasn’t going to let it go. I wish we got so much more of them in Girl.

The next part is Jack.

“Know every word you’re gonna say before you even think it. But somehow every joke you make is funnier each time around. Your laugh is such a perfect sound.” Now, it’s no surprise that Eric is a goofy man and this may have been Matt Lawrence + Will Friedle, but Jack laughed at Eric’s jokes more than people give him credit for. Even when serious, Jack never discouraged Eric’s funny quips (we ignore a LOT of season 7. all of them got weird.)

“I swear I’ve known you longer than forever and a day.” These two clicked right away and were besties. Upon meeting, they’re the same person and never stay away from each other for too long when there isn’t an obstacle in front of them.

“How could I forget those eyes? They took me by surprise, but suddenly I missed your face. I knew that smile from miles away.” Now…them meeting again as adults. As soon as they saw each other, they clicked again.

“I don’t believe in destiny…your melodies they’re changing me. I’m yours forever and a day.” Eric makes Jack a better person. Jack even admitted that multiple times. Eric is his person and always will be.

There (He) Goes: This one is another Jack to Eric song. Personally, I believe it’s Older Jack coming back to Eric. And Eric taking him back in like they never separated.

“…You’re my only ghost, come on, haunt me, cause I’m lonely. I’ve been gone too many days and it starts to feel the same; every morning. I don’t recognize this place. Is it me or have I changed?” Jack was a new person when he came back to Eric. Gave into his greed over the years and let it take over him.

“There (he) goes. Like I’ve never been alone. Like I’ve had it all along. Every time I go away I hate that it’s a day that I never see your face.” Once Jack has Eric back, you KNOW it’s hard for him to leave again. Leaving to even get his stuff to move would be hard because it means being away from Eric once again.

“So, i pack my bags. I’m takin off. I’m comin home.” Jack goes back for Eric. You know, he knew he wasn’t leaving once he came to Eric. He could trick himself, but the moment he packed up for the trip, Eric was his destination.

“Out of the blue, (He) comes around. (He) turned my world upside down.” Jack made a name for himself in that company and Eric flipped it all around.

BONUS:

To Love Someone: This one is Eric realizing he loves Jack two different times.

“Brand new apartment, we sat on the floor. A blow up mattress and some plastic forks. Our clothes on the counter, keys in the door. You’re all I ever wanted never been so sure.” I mean…come on. New apartment together. Them bonding and Eric falling in love.

“Suddenly nothing is the way it was. Is this what it’s like to love someone?” When Jack saw Eric was more than his roommate, it changed everything between them. They got closer. Went on dates. Everything.

“Empty apartment I’m sat on the floor. A blow up mattress and a plastic fork. Fighting the flashbacks that creep through the door. I stare at the ceiling and try to ignore.” You can take this one as either Eric moving out when Rachel moves in or when Jack leaves with Rachel for the Peace Corps.

“Chances are we’re gonna tell ourselves this is how it’s supposed to be. And chances are this isn’t the last time I’ll dance with your memory.” Eric thinks about Jack every day and vice versa. Can’t tell me different.

Now the ‘suddenly nothing is the way it was’ changes. Eric and Jack are no longer in each other’s lives. It’s not the way it was. There’s no late night TV watching. Nothing about their lives together because Jack is gone.

[paleairlesscompanion]

Lost Sterek Fic Please Help!

TW: Fic contains past non-con/rape

I've posted this to Lost Fics in reddit but I'm desperate so posting here too.

I need help finding a Stiles Stilinski/Derek Hale fic that I remember certain details/plot points of, but no idea what the title was. I've put the various layers of details I remember below. I've been trying to find it forever - please help me before I go insane!

GENERAL:

- Was definitely on ao3

- Was definitely third-person Stiles POV

- I THINK it was about 2000-2500 words but it could have been longer

- I read it several years ago, pre-2018 if not earlier

- Main premise was that Stiles had been sexually assaulted in his early teens but hadn't been able to process what happened to him as being actual rape. He is then triggered when being intimate with Derek, but Derek actually stops when he asks which brings the trauma to the surface. Derek explains that what had happened to Stiles wasn't his fault, hurt/comfort etc.

MAIN PLOT POINTS:

- Stiles and Scott go to party

- Stiles ends up being raped by older girl (starts as consensual making out)

- Girl gaslights Stiles 'of course you want this/all guys want sex'

- Stiles is ashamed, doesn't tell Scott or anyone else what happened

- Few years on, Stiles exaggerates his crush on Lydia Martin to hide his trauma around intimacy/sex

- Meets Derek (canonical age difference), and actually wants to be intimate with him

- They make out but Stiles is triggered and wants to stop

- Derek DOES stop, Stiles asks why, Derek says because Stiles told him to

- Derek respecting his 'no', when the highschool girl hadn't, brings all the trauma/confusion to the surface and Stiles panics and runs

- Derek goes after him, Stiles tells him about his assault, and Derek explains that what happened to Stiles was rape and that it wasn't his fault

- Stiles cries in Derek's arms, Derek is very protective/tender

Super specific details under the cut

SPECIFIC DETAILS:

- Stiles and Scott are early teens (middle school age?) and sneak out at night to go to a highschool party

- It is Scott's idea - Stiles is worried about how angry/disappointed his dad will he if he finds out but goes because his friend wants to

- Scott leaves Stiles alone at the party (I think to go off with some cute girl from one of their classes)

- Stiles feels awkward and out of place surrounded by popular older kids he doesn't know

- He is approached by a hot older girl, and is mostly very flattered that she's showing an interest in him when he's so young/'uncool'

- She is some kind of athlete on a school team

*(I could have sworn it was the girls volleyball team, but this hasn't narrowed my search results so now I'm not sure)*

- They end up in one of the bedrooms alone and begin making out on the bed

- Stiles cant believe this is happening and is excited and willing at first when it's just kissing

- She ends up on top of him and starts escalating from making out to full on sex

- Stiles becomes uncomfortable and wants her to stop -- I can't remember if he says 'no' or 'stop' or 'I don't want this' but he definitely protests

- She is too physically strong (athlete) for Stiles to push her off -- there's a line about Stiles realising the strength hidden in her toned body and being afraid instead of turned on

- She dismisses his protests -- says something about 'don't be silly, of course you want this'/makes a comment about how all guys want sex (may have also said something about it being his lucy day and/or how many boys can say they lost their virginity to a hot older girl? i.e. bragging rights)

- She stays on top of him and rapes him - he's gone into a Freeze response, not participating but unable to stop her

- I can't remember if he comes or not

- She leaves him there - says something like "you're welcome", definitely keeps up the whole 'not even considering he wasn't willing' thing

- It takes him a while to un-freeze, when he does he's shaken but he cleans and dresses himself

- He finds Scott downstairs all happy/blushing with the cute girl from earlier

- I think there's a line about how different Stiles feels from Scott i.e. they entered the party as dumb kids but now Stiles has been changed by his experience, while Scott has stayed the same

- Stiles does not tell anyone what happened

* he's been messed up by what she said to him, lots of self-doubt, like he must have reacted that way because there's something wrong with HIM. Possibly alluded to the whole 'men cant get raped' bullshit. Worried no one will believe he didn't want it *

- The next part is more general description of the next few years going into highschool (and Scott getting turned etc cannon stuff)

- Stiles is super uncomfortable with his peer's increasing focus on sex now that they're all older

- SUPER SPECIFIC LINE but I can't remember the exact wording, something about guys thinking about sex every 7(?) seconds, and that Stiles also thinks about it that often but for a very different reason (trauma)

- He's terrified of being intimate with anyone, but since everyone else is focused on dating/sex, he tries to appear that way so no one knows how fucked up/traumatised he feels about all of it

- It's common knowledge he's had a crush on Lydia since they were little kids so he plays it up his attraction to her (canonical stuff about everyone knowing he's infatuated with her, making embarrassing public declarations about her, etc.)

- She is a safe bet as he knows she would never go for him/reciprocate anything, and his antics stop anyone else from showing interest in him

- There's a line I can't remember the exact words to, something like 'everyone knew Stiles was in love with Lydia Martin, so of *course* he wanted to have sex with her'

- There's also mention of Scott meeting Alison, being super into her and all the PDA -- It makes Stiles feel nauseous (trauma response)

- I can't remember the particulars of how Stiles and Derek end up being interested in each other but they do

- They're in a room in the abandoned Hale house and are going to make out

- I'm pretty sure there's a bit about how Stiles actually wants Derek, and how significant that is when he hasn't been able to feel attraction since what had happened to him -- and he's psyching himself up because he WANTS this and he doesn't want to start feeling scared/disgusted/etc, he wants to be normal and enjoy being with the guy he likes

- They're making out, I can't remember if it's Derek being on top of him, or if Derek goes to put his hand over Stiles cock through his jeans, but something triggers Stiles

- I think there's a line that draws a parallel to him behing young and weak against the athletic rapist, and him being older/bigger now but even more helpless against a werewolf with supernatural strength

- He freezes and says something like 'no' or 'stop'

- Derek stops IMMEDIATELY, takes his hands off Stiles and moved back to give him space

- Stiles is still frozen but is even more thrown that Derek had actually listened and stopped

- I can't remember the exact wording of the exchange but Stiles asks why Derek stopped, and Derek answers because you told me to but like it's the most obvious thing in the world

- It brings up all the buried shit for Stiles, because if Derek listened to him now it means the girl should have listened to him back then and it overwhelms him and he runs out of the house to his jeep

- Derek doesn't understand but knows something is very wrong and goes after Stiles

- They end up in the Jeep together -- I THINK Derek catches up with the Jeep as it's driving through the woods and Stiles slams the breaks OR Stiles is so hysterical when he reaches the Jeep thar he can't get the keys into the ignition and Derek finds him there

- Derek is very slow with his movements getting in the car and doesn't touch Stiles

- Stiles eventually starts to spill everything about his assault, but the way he describes it is through the lens of all the fucked up self-blame he has had about it

- Derek becomes obviously furious, he's mad at the rapist but Stiles sees the anger and looks terrified as though Derek is going to do something to HIM (trauma response)

- Derek deliberately calms himself because he does not want to spook Stiles

- Again, I don't remember the particulars but Derek gently explains that Stiles was assaulted, that it wasn't his fault, that it never should have happened to him, that she should have listened

- He ends up holding Stiles while he sobs and I THINK there's mention that he's going to encourage Stiles to tell his dad

[brehaaorgana]

The thing is, websites being slowly destroyed because of capitalist greed is bad in general for many reasons, but I would like to point out that one of those reasons is that not every social website is built to handle the same kinds of engagement in the same ways, and this destroys spaces that can't simply be ported elsewhere because they are symbiotic to their origins.

You destroy specific kinds of communities and communication styles that rely on the uniqueness of individual platforms. You can't move that to somewhere else with a different structure without fundamentally changing something.

This has always been true, but I feel like not everyone is fully...aware or familiar with how this happens. It's not even entirely a Gen Z thing either - there are plenty of Millennials/Xers and older generations who did not have a ton of internet access in the early-mid 2000's and so don't necessarily have familiarity with what vanished. Internet access has only recently been "expected," for more people across the class spectrum.

As a Millennial(TM) who has been connected to the internet basically since infancy (my dad did IT/software engineer management stuff and would literally sit me on his lap while he was on the computer as a baby), I am keenly aware of a) the fact that there are entire internet social communities which I didn't engage with but are now gone and b) that there are ones I did engage in and are lost or no longer really the same because of capitalism.

Like...forums are just not as popular anymore as they used to be. They still exist, but it's harder to find them and they usually see way less activity than other platforms. And we lose so much knowledge/advice/engagement without them. Things like: I turned around one day and found a digital art forum I used to lurk on was totally gone, along with all the inspiration, tutorials, and tips. I remember one thread was this one guy wanting to learn to draw, and it was basically just his progress journal of learning to draw. It went over the course of YEARS of progress from like, stick figures to beautifully rendered art. Shit inspired me so much, and I think it just...vanished?

But then there's things like, entire social norms, jokes, and kinds of engagement that also vanishes or becomes a graveyard. Forums usually have karma systems (which reddit apes, sort of) and that could tell you a lot about an account lol.

Look at the slow death of livejournal! Dreamwidth sort of...tried to fill the gap but there's so many platform specific expectations and experiences that Livejournal had:

Icons that you change based on: interests, content or intent of your post/comment, that you can create and have others use and which change often.

Related: icons and graphics communities.

CAPSLOCK COMMUNITIES WHERE YOU DON'T LAPSLOCK EVER!! EVERYONE TALKS LIKE THIS

Locked communities (especially age based!) Or dedicated communities with moderation and agreed upon rules unique to that comm. Tumblr literally can't recreate that. It doesn't port to how Tumblr specifically works.

Comms like ONTD, stupid_free, or comedy shit like weepingcock, - or even like, scanlations comms. Shit that just doesn't translate to tumblr's style, especially without optional anonymous engagement and nested conversations. There's no such thing as FFAF on Tumblr. It doesn't work. You don't break the internet here the same way ONTD did when Michael Jackson died.

Dedicated fandom/ship comms. As someone who was quite literally harassed on Tumblr for years because I didn't like a specific non-canon ship between a literal teenaged child and an adult and talked about it without tagging it (and even censored it when just words suddenly showed in tags!) I miss dedicated fandom comms so much. Because I had way more control over who engaged with me on my personal LJ and NEVER would've bothered people on a comm about a ship I hated because it's shitty behavior and because people who do that got banned! Shared communities with moderation and better blocking settings were benefits I didn't have on Tumblr.

Just...it doesn't translate to Tumblr and now it's just a tiny space on DW and the zombie of LJ.

Similarly I don't think AITA translates very well to Tumblr because Tumblr doesn't:

Have nested comments/comment threads that can be collected all on one central page

Have easy to make throwaway accounts

Allow for anon responses to posts directly (it's only asks! They can't reblog anonymously!)

Have an upvote system

Have a "sort by most popular" or "sort by oldest."

Have autoretention/bot capture of the original submission.

A way to click through to someone's comments in other communities, or see what their responses to the thread as the op easily.

A collection of moderators and standardized community rules and community ability to report trolling/spam/fiction/shit posts.

Call me a killjoy but AITA won't fully translate to Tumblr for the same reason why ONTD isn't translated to Tumblr, and even a similar concept to ONTD looks totally different on reddit (see: deuxmoi). It will look different, it won't have the same community or feel simply because the platform itself is different enough that it inherently changes how we engage, what that engagement looks like, and what can even feasibly be done.

When a website dies, the unique communities and communication styles of that platform also start to die.

[taoofshigeru]

A Cure for Joy but Not for Silence (Castti x Malaya)

A take on Castti/Ochette's crossed path where a confluence of magic brings back a familiar face. Trauma is still around, but so is love and comfort. Temenos and Osvald are also there. (2000 words)

-----

As Ochette called upon a bevy of trees, frogs, and axe-wielding tree frogs to beat back the shadow, a cleric and a scholar watched from a safe distance.

The purple light surrounding the ominous, writhing tentacle seemed familiar to the inquisitor. It took him a few moments for the hunch to turn into a connection.

Just when Castti and Ochette were starting to venture deeper into the woods, he took their colossal scholar by the arm. "Osvald, a word, if I may…"

Watching Castti treat the wounds on the duorduor turned that connection into a near-certainty. He grimaced. Then he thought of something. "Castti, you still have several phials of that cure mixed up."

She blinked. "Yes, why?"

He nodded towards the depths of the woods. "I very much doubt this is the last beast in these woods we'll see that's in need of treatment. May I borrow one?"

She nodded, and handed him the phial, which he tucked into his tunic.

They hastened on ahead into the woods. It should have been daylight, but it was dimmer than dusk.

A few steps further ahead, they were all engulfed in darkness.

…

As the scholar wandered further into the woods, he found himself hearing a voice that sounded like deep, raspy dusk. "Poor, pitiful Osvald. Lost your wife, you could never protect her."

"Why?" Osvald replied flatly. "Rita's death was Harvey's fault. I did everything I could, and now Elena is safe."

"Ah, but you're failing your daughter. Not there for her in this fragile recovery period. If only you had more power…" The voice trailed off.

"Why?" He didn't seem the least bit bothered. "Temenos is a high-ranking church official, and he was there when Harvey confessed to his crimes. Very likely I'll be exonerated within the year."

"…" The voice paused for just a moment. "Doesn't it ever make you curious, what it was that Harvey found at the end of his research? The true seventh source?"

"Why?" The scholar continued walking. He didn't even miss a step. "Whatever it was was clearly of an inferior grade to my own love for my adorable daughter."

"…" The pause was slightly longer this time. "Think of the possibilities of untapped sources of magic. Knowledge, wealth, half of the world, it could all be yours!"

"Why," His scruffy beard concealed the faintest hint of a smirk. "I don't really see what you're getting at."

…

"Couldn't protect them. Couldn't protect Jörg, or Roi, not even Crick." The voice in the darkness spoke to the cleric, mocking him. "You slept in bed as your wayward lamb walked his way to the slaughter."

Temenos grimaced. For all his outward confidence, this particular subject was not something he enjoyed being reminded of. "And I made examples of those responsible." That didn't mean he didn't have a retort ready. "And I aim to do the same to you."

"To me?" The voice boomed with laughter. "Why, you misunderstand me. I'm here to help you. To help give you power for your revenge."

"Revenge against who, exactly?" Temenos fixed on a point in the darkness that seemed to glow brighter than all the rest. Then he started walking. "This isn't the same puerile ploy you pulled on Kaldena, I hope? Inflicting tragedy and offering the power to get revenge against the enemy of her true enemy?"

"Kaldena was a fool." The darkness scoffed back at him. "You're clearly much too wise to fall for the petty ruse that worked on her."

"Oh, so that was you?" He responded with a dry wit. "I was going off a hunch. So, in a sense, I do appreciate the courtesy in your confirming my suspicions."

The darkness went silent, for a moment. Then, "How did you know?"

"I doubt. It's what I do." He winked at the point, which was growing brighter by the moment, then broke into a full sprint. "And you made it easy."

"YOU-!!" Humor was gone from the voice now, replaced by inhuman, primal rage.

"SACRED EFFULGENCE!!" He heaved his staff into the point of dark purple light, and the illusion shattered.

…

The cleric and the scholar found themselves standing on an endless lake of grey. Osvald was the first to notice Ochette and Castti were there next to him, facing off against what looked like dozens of the same writhing purple fragments of darkness Ochette had beaten back earlier.

Temenos was a hair slower, on account of the plum he had shoved down his throat. But the glow of his light magic hit one of the writhing curses incarnate just before it could strike at Ochette from behind.

Together, the four travelers made quick work of the gruesome attacker. Soon, the tendrils were in full retreat, but one lingered for just a moment.

That was long enough for Ochette. "Oh no you don't! RAWR!!" She bit into the darkness itself, and her fangs sunk deep.

That was as much time as they needed. "Now, Osvald!" He grabbed the phial of cure out from his tunic and tossed it in the scholar's direction.

A gruff, solemn chant had began even before the thin cylinder of glass was tumbling through the air. "This is! THE ANSWER!!" Osvald blasted the phial with the One True Magic (II), and the beam shot out towards the tentacle. Ochette jumped away just in time. So hasty was her jump that she did not, for once, land gracefully.

In the time it took for that attack to land, the rest of the tentacles, and the darkness itself, retreated. Ochette, Temenos, and Osvald were left standing beside Castti, slumped over with emotional and physical fatigue. And one other person, who had appeared exactly where the tentacle had been before Osvald had blasted it with pure, radiant spirit.

…

Castti looked up, and saw a ghost. This one wasn't wearing a wry smile, and the emaciated look was a far cry from the healthy state in which she had last seen her. But there was no mistaking those eyes. "…malaya?" It was a face she had resigned herself to never seeing again.

"It's okay, Malaya. I remember everything now, you can rest." She fumbled forward, not really understanding what was happening. "Haha, I must really be under the weather to be seeing things again." She put a hand to her forehead, laughing to hold back the tears. She felt so silly.

Ochette looked at the other woman, confused. "Mama Castti, who's this?"

A jolt of pure, stinging understanding shot through the apothecary. "You can see her?" Her head whipped around to Osvald. "Can you see her?"

He nodded. "There's a woman on the ground next to you. Dark skin, long hair. Signs of malnutrition. She's conscious."

Temenos stepped between them. "Now, wait a moment Castti, we need to be c-"

He was physically thrown off the ground as Castti dived forward like a woman possessed. She embraced the woman in a hug heavy enough to knock the wind clean out of her.

"MalayaMalayaMalayamalayamalayaOhit'syouit'sreallyyouyoudon'tknowhowmuchIhopedandprayedandafterIrememberedandeverythingandyoudidsomuchformeandIcouldn'tdoanythingforyouandIohgodsyou'realiveandhereandIcanfeelyouandIloveyousomuchandInevergottotellyoubefore*sob*, OhMalayaMalayamydearMalaya-" She didn't know where she was anymore, and she could not care. Tears and snot were spilling freely down her cheeks. Even after Temenos got up, Ochette stood, feet planted and arms out, making it very clear that he wasn't going to break up that moment.

It ended up being Malaya who pushed the apothecary away. "_,_." She opened her mouth as if to say something, but no words came out.

Osvald nodded in understanding. "You love her too, but you're hungry?"

"She's what?!" Castti's head jerked up.

Malaya winced and rubbed her stomach. "_,_!" She shook her head, smiling weakly at Castti.

"'You hugged the wind out of me, you damn mother hen.'" He gave a wry smile. "And my name is Osvald. I'm traveling together with your friend? Wife?"

"Wife!" The apothecary was the one to answer this question. "My wife is alive, I," She took another look at Malaya and her eyes widened with belated shock. "Oh gods, look at you, you're skin and bones, we need to get you some food."

"Alright, that's settled!" Ochette whipped out five sticks of jerky from her pack and handed them to Malaya, who wolfed them down and took five more before the beastling lifted her off the ground and the group began to walk back to town. Osvald, who had been the least disturbed in the confrontation with the shadow, lent Malaya his coat for warmth and let Castti lean on him for support.

"Hey Osvald, how did you know what she was saying? I couldn't even hear, and my ears are the best among us, I think?" Ochette's companion Mahina chimed in.

His gaze grew a little harder. "I learned how to read lips on Frigit Isle. It was useful for gathering information."

"Oh, I see." Ochette turned over to Malaya, who had grabbed a fistful of grapes from her pack and was downing them in groups of three. "You really are light, ma'am. Eat as much as you like."

"Wow, Ochette sharing her food. This is a special day, yes indeed." Mahina hooted jovially.

Temenos cut in between the two, voice so low that neither Castti or Malaya seemed to be able to hear. "I would like to preach caution. Whoever that woman is, she came from the shadow. And it spoke to me in there. I'm almost certain it's connected to what we've been investigating."

"Osvald, can you grab him by the cloak? With one fist? My hands're kinda full."

"M'kay." The scholar obliged, yanking the cleric down for the hunter to glare at.

Ochette hissed back, "Now listen here, you. You weren't with us when Castti went back to Healeaks for the first time. I've seen that woman rip a real live antlion in two, but that village had her shaking in a way I've never seen. And the name I kept hearing her say while we were there? 'Malaya.'" She indicated the woman held in her arms, "You can keep an eye on things, sure. But if you mess up this moment for her I'm gonna put my footprint into your rib cage."

His smile never fell the whole time she was talking. "I understand. I can leave the two of them to you, then?"

"So long as we're clear, Temmy." She bared her fangs at him.

By the time they had arrived back at the inn, it was still light outside. The sunlight seemed to give Malaya a physical boost, and Castti a mental one. The two of them sat outside on a bench, with Ochette standing nearby. She held a pouch that was seemingly still full of food and drinks, and this time Castti indulged herself in some spicy jerky. They sat there for a little while.

Castti asked the question that had been on her mind. "Do you remember me?"

Malaya nodded her head. Yes, yes I do.

"Oh, can you still not speak?" She leaned over, concerned.

She shook her head no.

"So you can't speak?"

Malaya shook her head no again.

"You don't want to speak?"

A nod, yes.

"I'm sorry, I just." Castti stopped. "There's a lot I wanted to ask. But I don't need to ask it now." She stared into those eyes, those lovely brownish-black eyes which, now that she looked closer, seemed to be carrying new, silent scars in them. "We can wait. But I do have one request." She supposed hers did too. They really would have a lot to talk about.

Malaya nodded her head.

"C, can I hold your hand?" She stumbled with that on her way out of the gate. Even so, "It's only, I just, gods! I spent this whole time imagining a version of you to help myself get through all that trauma, and I almost went and accepted you were gone." Castti fixed her eyes on those deep, familiar eyes again and "I need to feel that you're real, and next to me. Is that okay?"

Before nodding, Malaya reached out with her own hand, the one that wasn't still dismantling a pomegranate and shoving it in her face, and wrapped her fingers through Castti's own. Then she nodded. Of course, chief.

~End~

[tokkiyuna-rabbit]

Rabbits are nice. Also, I find the word for rabbit in Korean and Japanese to be super cute.

Did you ever play those Carmen Sandiego games where you had to guess cities and countries?

Belgium sounds like it could be fun! I know it was made up for a British tv series, but I wonder if they have any Hercule Poirot history about. Maybe you can get to the Netherlands around the time the tulips are blooming!

I don't even have a strong dislike for that kind of stuff, I'm just not that interested, and after everything else they had done, the very first demand set off instant warning sirens for the first time. Which was an interesting thing to find out about myself, and also the beginning of me wanting to get away from them. Especially when it came after me basically saying I don't know what to do with OCs.

I hold onto the idea that maybe we will find a preserved Parasaurolophus in a peat bog somewhere, someday. It could be wishful thinking, but we do have some preserved skin with scales from one, after all. At the very least, Jurassic Park made a lot of children interested in paleontology that has helped fix many inaccuracies and brought about breakthroughs in the field.

I do find it interesting how Spinosaurus has gone from bipedal to quadruped over the years. Also apparently longer than a t-rex? Apparently the destruction of that museum did lead to a lot of changes over the years as paleontologists found partial skeletons and bones and had to re-piece the species from different individuals (without mixing them). Which could not have been easy given how adult, adolescent, and juvenile bones can be so different. Scientists keep trying to make models of the dinosaur to see if it was aquatic, and these experiments suggest that the shape with the sail would lend itself to being semi aquatic, but not fully aquatic. Then again, we don't fully know the composition of the dinosaur that could have allowed it to be aquatic or semi aquatic.

I wonder if the sails helped to attract birds like creatures to eat parasites?

Ankylosaurus has that ugly yet super cute look to it, like one of those well trained bit pulls with the muscly heads and spread out legs that like to plodder up to people for pets. Then again, that may be influenced by how they tend to be portrayed as the slow, low intelligent or dog like characters, like Url from the year 2000 Dinosaur movie, or Kosh from The Land Before Time.

I forgot they had padded feet! Did you ever see that Animal Planet series where they had the animal celebrity people like Jeff Corwin interact with prehistoric animals and dinosaurs? I think it was called Giant Monsters or something like that. I couldn't really watch it because Jeff Corwin is trying to escape some crocodile creature via a golf cart and shoves his passenger out of the cart to lighten to load, and I was so affronted that I could not watch it after that.

Supposedly it gives a lot of shoutouts to another series, Walking with Beasts, which is a spinoff of Walking with Dinosaurs.

I think my family just assumed that all kids had dinosaur phases. Mary Anning sounds like an interesting person! Funny enough, looking her up gives me pictures of orange books with her in them. I just assume that your book is out there somewhere, but later publications included a cover.

Yeah, the loss of species is sad, but there have been many advancements in preserving the species, so there is that.

Yes, the words for rabbit in Korean and Japanese is cute. It's why my username has the word "Tokki" in it. I tried to use the Spanish word, but conejo doesn't ring the same (or at least I was not creative enough).

I had a Carmen Sandiego game, but it wouldn't work with my computer. It wouldn't read it properly. And I don't think it was that. I learned the names of countries and the map for Europe and Asia through JetPunk.

For some reason, for a minute, I thought you meant that Belgium was a fictional country that was created lmao. But, I am not sure if they would. You never know, sometimes you find random stuff in foreign countries. And yes, I hope the tulips are blooming. The trip is supposed to be 10 days, which is short and I wished it was longer. Would have liked to see if I could have done a quick trip to Luxembourg.

Understandable. Of course, once they started to show their true colors and then ask for more of you it is going to set things off in your head. At least that is what I understand about people. I don't blame you for this being a reason to want to get away.

Jurassic Park was really a great film. 8-year-old me was so happy with the movie that I even watched it in Spanish. Even though at the time I spoke little to no Spanish. And it really did fix a lot of inaccurate information. Though, I think some people say that the velociraptors were inaccurate and may have been different dinosaurs due to their sizes. I think people say that the velociraptors in the film were actually Utahraptors. And that there were feathers missing.

From my understanding, a big part of the change was due to people's knowledge of what type of diet the Spinosaurus had. It was a more aquatic fish eating dinosaurs, so people depict it more like a crocodile as you stated. I do think it would be hard to piece the fossil skeletons together and I highly doubt we would ever get a full skeleton of a Spinosaurs again (from that museum) because I believe most of the bones may have been destroyed. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. But I would love to see what their skeleton looked like. And the sail could have been to attract. Fish prefer shaded area, so the sail acted as a shade and could have attracted the fish to it.

Oh! I remember Land Before Time! And I guess you'd be right. I don't remember any ankylosaurus being depicted any other way. Frankly, I don't remember much at all until you mentioned it. I had not looked into dinosaurs since I was 9. So like a decade and more since I even bothered to look into them. And fictional depictions of them.

No, I don't think I ever saw that series. Turns out the series came out in 2003? So, I was only 1 years old at that time and I don't think I ever came across it on YouTube. I tried searching it up, but I only got a trailer and the quality wasn't the best.

Most likely later publications have covers. I ended up asking my mom about it and she said she probably gave it away or something. She knew what I was talking about, but she didn't know what happened to it. I would need to do some digging because the book was about multiple things. Fossils, evolutions (of human and animals), and sea. It was written in chronological (I think).

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2000 Tomorrow will be my final round with these freeloaders, and I’ve decided – that’s it! I have to get on with my life and I’ve had enough! Tomorrow is the last day I do something, go somewhere, or pay money because of the freeloaders. I’m 35, not 15, and my life is my life and I’m gonna run it from now on! Period. No one tells me what to do from here on out, no one! I have to take charge of my own life and live my life for me once and for all. Not what others decide. I’ve had my life run, controlled and dictated enough by individuals and society in general. I’ll see Helen at least for a while longer, and I’ll behave, but damn it, it’s time I took control of my own life and freedom and that’s exactly what I’m going to do!!! I’m breaking free of these fucking freeloaders for once and forever. I will not be their little victim anymore! I can’t stop them from throwing me in jail tomorrow if that’s what they choose to do, but I can ignore them and their unfair, outrageous, inappropriate or even impossible demands. I did my time paying for the freeloaders. No more! And if they can’t handle that and they want to treat me like some common criminal who’s done violence – fine. But they’ll never get me unless they bust their way into here and haul me out. Is this bullshit really worth it to them? Are a letter and a phone call really worth the effort? We shall see, but I’ll be damned if I’ll have judges, probation officers, or anyone, playing Mommy and daddy with me. It would be totally discriminating of them to tell me I had to work just cuz I ain’t got a kid, and guess what? I do work and I intend to keep my job.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2000 Today we buried Ratsy next to Scuttles in the special cemetery. It’s hard to believe he’s gone after over two years. Because of all the rain yesterday, we kept him inside by the back door wrapped in a pretty aqua-colored plastic bag with that neon twine securing it. I’ll miss him. We agreed we’d also get a rat on Monday, as well as mice to breed with, so Houdini can have a roommate. Rats and mice hate living alone.

Lately, I’ve been needing 3mg of Melatonin and a Benadryl to go to sleep, but last night I only needed 1mg of Melatonin cuz I also had 1.5 bottles of wine. It sure is helping to relax me throughout the weekend, but even without being under the influence of wine, as I am now, I’m not the basket case I thought I’d be and oughta be. Maybe it’s cuz of my prayer, maybe it’s cuz Helen’s words are finally sinking in – don’t let them win. Well, they might’ve won long ago, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let the courts bully/intimidate me! You don’t know how tempting it’s gonna be on Monday, no matter what the ruling is, as long as I’m free, to simply up and walk away from the court’s orders. Again, this is a letter sent to someone who harassed me for years. Not some violent act committed against an innocent person. And I’m sick to death of others telling me what to do! The only problem with ignoring them and getting on with my life is that I know they’ll get me for it, and God will make damn sure they do too, just like he made sure they got me on the default warrant I never knew existed. You’d think they’d spend their time pursuing those who are violent, but nope. I’m a woman, I’m the type of person they wouldn’t let “win,” so to speak, and not do what they say, and I couldn’t hide from them forever. Even if I could, God would still send me straight into their eagerly awaiting arms somehow, some way. He’d probably have a cop pull us over when we were going somewhere, for whatever reason, then I’d be trapped. I also doubt there’s a statute of limitations on disobeying court orders. So, although I have no choice but to let them boss me around for the next year, I’ll be damned as I’ve said numerous times, if they’re gonna force me to change my life/body and make me do things that are simply not possible or inappropriate. But as I also said, if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. It’s that simple. I cannot do the impossible.

Mom sent back a little toy doll for me with Tom yesterday. It’s a plastic doll that’s only a couple of inches in length and probably came with a fast food meal or cereal. It’s a doll in a wheelchair with a sports cap on her head and a lock of hair sticking out in back. I guess it’s a racing wheelchair she’s in.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2000 My weight has slipped back down to just under 115 pounds, rather than just over. I don’t know if it’s cuz of stress, having less sugar, or both.

Somebody tried calling who was out of the area just after 9:00, but they didn’t leave a message.

Again, God’s the last one I wanted to go crying to for help dealing with all the stress that’s on me, and as belittling as it was, I had to try, even if it was a one-in-a-million chance that he’d help me through this in any way. I had to at least try. I begged that he not let them make any unreasonable or impossible demands of me and to please not let them make me work or go to school. The only way I could do that would be to leave my home and my husband, yet Tom swears they cannot split us up, nor can they make us move. I don’t know about that anymore. I’m beginning to wonder if the courts aren’t God himself. With the way the laws have gotten so strict and so damn ridiculous, I think they could order me to stand on my head all day if they wanted to. I mean, really! Next thing I know, it’ll be a class 1 felony to wear purple T-shirt dresses, and I won’t know it till it’s too late and I find out the hard way.

I feel like God or something up there is trying to force me back with people. I don’t want to be with people on a regular basis! That’s why we moved here; to get away from people. Yet I still feel like whatever’s up there is saying, as it has with just about all the things I choose, no, you can’t do that. I want you back in the city and with people. It’s like the more I try to avoid something in particular, the more I’m forced to endure it.

They’ve already hyped this thing up and blown this case way, way out of proportion. So, if they want to act like I committed a violent offense and make me pay the outrageous probation fee, fine, but enough is enough already! I’ll be damned if I’ll allow them to change my whole life and even my body over this! They’re gonna have to meet me halfway and do their part in cooperating as well! The less cooperation I get from them, the less they’ll get from me. If they want me to work, fine, but they’re gonna have to set me up with a home job. It’s as simple as that. I’ve thought about it and have decided that if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. Period. It’s my life/body and I’m sick of people telling me what to do with it. Especially in so many extremely unfair, unreasonable, and now maybe even impossible ways.

Although Tom says I don’t have to worry or prove anything to the courts, I fear them calling me a liar and being even harsher on me for guessing wrong how much Tom takes home monthly. I guessed he took home $1400 a month when in fact he really takes home $1700 a month. Well, as I told them, Tom’s perfectly willing to provide them with any documents they may need, but would they buy it if I told them I was mistaken, should they bring that up again, or will they call me a liar? Well, they can call me what they want and they can order me not to send any mail like that again, but they cannot take charge of my life and body as if they own it. I’m nobody’s slave. Not even those who don black robes.

Later…

I told Tom that I’m sorry for not believing him all these years about you know what. I’m glad someone, somewhere, showed me the documentation on it. I just wish they’d done it sooner! However, I pointed out to him that I may have been wrong about him doing it on purpose, but I wasn’t wrong about saying it wouldn’t just “go away.” So no, not talking about it won’t “fix it.” It’ll just make it easier for him to ignore it, but here’s the good news - I’d be thrilled for us to ignore it for a good long time. The last thing I want in this sick, crazy, unfair world is to drag a kid into it and in the middle of life’s misery (aside from taking on responsibilities I couldn’t handle). At least right, now and probably for quite a while, this is how I feel. Right now, I don’t think I’ll even want to deal with it, nor my bed problems (my low drive), till way in the future, like when I’m around 40, if ever at all, but we’ll see. Let’s just say that this year and the next are definitely out of the question. He’s very welcome to not cum and not seek help for it for a good long time to come, or maybe even forever.

I forgot to mention that Don said he doubts the black bitch will be there. Bullfuckingshit she won’t be! If she has a right to be there, and I don’t see why she wouldn’t, she’ll be there. She wouldn’t miss it for the world. I just hope this will be the last time I have to be degraded into seeing that sick face! Haven’t I been victimized enough by her and her equally sick associates? So victimized and the courts don’t even know it. Nor do they even know or see this bitch’s true colors. I don’t think they ever wanted to, either.

What Ratsy did earlier was both sweet and sad. The poor thing can barely raise his head now and he’s lost more weight and fur. I don’t think he’s even eating much anymore. He tried pulling himself up out of his door, which I helped him to do since he’s so weak. He sat with me and let me pat him and although it was sweet, it was sad. It’s as if he knows he doesn’t have much time left and so he wants all the love and attention he can get. I’m pretty sure he’ll be gone by the middle of next month.

Helen’s one of those few who like me, isn’t afraid of rats. She said her son had a rat that she got attached to, and it was over two and under three when it died. That’s how old Ratsy is.

I’ve been making “preparations,” so to speak, just in case they do decide to throw me away in jail. For example, I moved the bigger dolls that were on top of the entertainment center that’s in my office so that Tom could use my stereo without worrying about shaking things around and knocking the dolls off if he wanted to use it.

It’s raining out now. Hope no thunder wakes me this weekend. I’ve been waking up every hour as it is just because of all this freeloader stress. Same fucking shit, even worse, than when I had her sitting on my shoulder – the fucking mother-fucking bitch! God, I hope what goes around really does come around! I hope that somehow, somewhere, someday, someone will give this bitch and her partners a taste of their own medicine, but you know what? I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. I don’t believe what comes around goes around for everyone. For some, including myself, but not for all. All I know is I made something very angry up there for rebelling against its “freeloader treatment” it felt I deserved by moving, then by speaking my mind about it.

Anyway, I also left Tom instructions for the best and easiest way to care for the animals, not that he’s this stupid idiot or anything. I asked that he bury Ratsy by Scuttles, cuz if they do toss me away, he’ll most definitely be gone when and if I ever made it out of there. Personally, I think I’d just curl up and die. I’d want to die if I committed some horrible crime and deserved what I got, but to go to jail for this? For this?!?! You bet I’d want to keel over and go belly up. In fact, I wouldn’t mind it right about now. If I was doomed to die at this very moment, as long as it wasn’t going to be a long, drawn-out painful ordeal, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to leave this fucked, unfair world. Just say the word, God, and I won’t rebel or fight you on that one!

I wish I had more guts than I do, cuz then I could hang myself. It isn’t just lack of bravery, though, that’s kept me from doing that up till now - it’s Tom. I live for him, but I wonder just how far I can be pushed before even his pleading for me to live just isn’t enough.

Later…

Here I was thinking that Ratsy wouldn’t make it to the middle of next month. Well, he won’t even make it to the first of it, cuz I just found him dead. I’m too sad now to write anymore.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2000 There was a knock on the side door while I was watching TV the other day. I knew they knew someone was home because I knew they had to have heard the TV. I ignored them till I was able to see two guys in jeans and maroon shirts saying: Pinal County Assessors. At that point, I could see that one had measuring tape strung out, and the other started to persistently pound on the front door, so at this point, I felt it was not cop-related and safe to open the door. They said they’d come to measure the house. Tom later told me it was for tax purposes. I swear we’ve had more people knock on this door than our door in Phoenix, excluding mail people!

I have so much to say and so many thoughts racing through my head. I feel like this bullshit case is getting worse and worse and so are my anxieties. The main thing Helen and I discussed and that she told me was to work on was controlling my thinking, which she understands is often easier said than done and will take time to do. She said don’t let them win by worrying about them and thinking about them. Well, they already have won. They won years ago and they’re still winning. And no, I can’t get them and what they’ve done to me off my mind, either. They made my life a living hell and they continue to do so to this day and probably the rest of the days of my life, too.

After talking with Don yesterday, going to jail or paying thousands of dollars isn’t my biggest concern anymore. Being forced to work is my biggest concern! I was completely blown away to learn that going to work or school is part of probation and that they can order a person to do so. First of all, there’s no way I could get to work or school with bus lines over an hour away and with him needing the car to drive himself to and from work. Secondly, who the hell are they to demand I go to work? Is this God��s punishment to me for bashing freeloaders for not working? Well, it’s not like I’m living off of people’s tax money, wandering the streets all day, or sitting at home staring at the walls all day, either. I have a right to be the homemaker that I am and that is a job. Paul says that those who aren’t home watching children are considered not having anything to do, so they should be working. I know society’s grown more and more against the idea of those being homemakers, but it’s my life, goddamn it! I’m not a murderer and I don’t think I should be forced to change my life over a letter and a phone call! Even the standard $40-a-month probation fee doesn’t fit the crime. That’s outrageous! These fucking freeloaders are gonna end up costing us around 1000 bucks! Maybe more. What they’re asking is unfair, unreasonable and even impossible. They’re asking too much of me! Period. I can see going to a counselor and checking in weekly with a probation officer and even their outrageous fee, but work or school? I don’t think so! I explained to both Don and Paul how difficult it would be for me to work even if transportation wasn’t an issue, because of my phobias and lack of trust concerning being around people (especially in regular jobs that don’t involve stripping). I told them I was on disability cuz of it and will provide documentation of that in court, although I know it’ll be useless.

Fuck these fucking freeloaders for turning my life upside down and ruining it like they have!!! In a sense, they’re making it worse now than when we lived with them. Tom said they can’t force someone to move. But he also said they couldn’t make people work either, yet he was wrong. Being made to work will force me to move. I’d need to see if I could stay with Mary so I could be near bus lines. I told them, though, that if I could do work at home, even if it was stuffing envelopes for free, that’d be fine, but think about it. How many home jobs do they have? They’re very very scarce.

Paul, who I called myself, said they’re not necessarily going to make me work, but in the end, he didn’t make me feel any better about the prospect of it and even left me more convinced that they will order me to work.

I suppose that after they control my life, my body comes next, huh? I wouldn’t put it past them to order me drugged up. I am not taking drugs as a way of coping with my problems and I will go to jail before I let anyone make a guinea pig of me like they did in the past, and then they’ll have to pay (for my food and shit like that). I’m sorry, but there’s only so far you can go with controlling people, and I cannot let these people, even if it’s the courts, seize total control of my life/body. I’ve had very little say in my life/body as it is, and I don’t need them seizing what little control I do have. Fucking mother-fucking freeloaders! Aaaaarrrggghhhh! They control everything. Virtually all aspects of my life revolve around them. They dominate, dictate and control my life as if I were their puppet on a string! I really am never going to be able to live for myself, am I? I really am never going to be able to live life for myself and take charge of my own life and body. My whole life is really going to be about having to do what society says I should do with my life, and probably my body, too. It’s reasonable that society says I shouldn’t murder and that I shouldn’t smoke crack, but how the hell can they have the right to tell me I have to work and maybe even take psycho pills? Why is it that whenever I want to do something in life, someone or something is there to say no, you can’t do that, and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it? What they say always goes when it comes to how I live my life and what I do with my body.

Paul says he’s going to ask for a probation officer who deals with mental health (I guess I’d have to see their doctors too, who’ll be predisposed to believing I’m crazy), but in the end, everything’s up to the judge. Up to this person who doesn’t know me and could never understand why certain things are just too damn hard for me.

Why is God doing this to me? Is there some hidden purpose behind all this shit that I can’t see? Is this more than just a punishment? Is this supposed to lead to something I can’t see? After all, I’ve been saying that due to all the appointments and shit going on, I felt like he was preparing me for something. Something fast-paced that’d keep me on my toes and cause me to have to keep a schedule regularly. Well, I knew all along that thing wouldn’t be a kid, so what the hell’s going on? Is he trying to turn me into a career woman? Well, he should’ve done that back when I was in the city if that’s what he’s aiming at here. Does he want me to fit in with 85% of the female population by working? But I don’t want to “fit in.” I just want to live my life in peace with the right to be a homemaker. Without the freeloaders, courts or cops butting into it.

For the next year, I thank God Tom is the way he is and that I’m sterile. At least he can rest assured that I won’t want us to do a thing about the way we are for at least a year, maybe even a few years. Or maybe even never, cuz there’s no fitting that into our schedule with all life’s bullshit. I mean, I don’t see how we could fit that in in the future any more than we could’ve in the past/present, so pressure or requests to seek help for change is something he’s definitely not going to have to worry about for quite a while.

Don said it wasn’t in his report, the being dragged to the police station in January, told it was over when it wasn’t, the subpoena I never got, being arrested and jailed overnight in July. How convenient. Did they neglect to report that to Don to cover for the fact that they lied to me and infringed upon my rights by not arraigning me within the proper time frame? Probably so. Well, it doesn’t matter in the end what rights or rules the cops or courts fuck up on or break altogether. They can get away with anything and do anything they damn well please.

I get victimized and badgered by these sick fucks for years, send a letter and make a call letting them know just how I feel about it, and now I have to pay an outrageous $40 a month for it, be forced to find a way to work out of the house and give up my job as a homemaker, be forced to see doctors and therapists God knows how many times a week, and be doped up for it, too. Life’s just great! Maybe I was better off listening to their fucking music and ball games. At least it didn’t cost any money and I could keep my life the way it is as far as keeping house goes.

I’m never gonna break free of the freeloaders and their effects on me and my life. Before they owned my right to peace and my mental state, and it was in their hands whether or not I slept. Now they own it all. Everything I do is in their hands. I just can’t hear or see them, that’s all. However, if I’m forced to move into the city so I can work, I’ll be back with the bangers and all the shit that goes with being in the city. When we first moved and were forced to go into the city to the hotels, I felt like the city just wouldn’t quite loosen its grip on me. It was like it was hesitant to let me go. Now I feel like it’s calling me back. Like God’s unhappy with me being a rural person. He wants me back in the city with the freeloaders and courts in control of my life/body.

You don’t know just how bad I’d like to get a hold of that scrawny little black neck and choke the life right out of that sick bitch – ugh! However, at this point, I’d rather just move the fuck on!!! I want them out of my life much more so than to bash their skulls in!!!

My mind’s racing back and forth between just waiting and seeing what they say next Monday, to not even bothering to show up, to not bothering to do a damn thing they say after the 30th if I’m not in jail, to going to jail and letting them pay for everything and saving our money, to killing myself.

Don said that as he tells everyone, “Expect the worst and hope for the best.” Yeah, right! I expect the worst, but how can I hope for the best? There’s no hope for me with this case, trust me.

I also learned that he’s not my probation officer. All he is is a pre-sentencing court reporter who talks to all parties involved and then gives the info to the judge. I’m sure my probation officer will be black or Mexican. Why not assign the “racist” to the people they’re supposed to hate, huh? That’s no doubt what they’re thinking, but hey, as long as they’re fair I don’t care what color or race they are.

Later…

I also left a message for Helen yesterday, asking that she mail to our PO Box the fact that I feel very uncomfortable around people, and therefore, working would be very stressful for me. Me and people just don’t mix. I clash with them and they clash with me. They always have a complaint or problem with me and I can’t deal with their incompetent, contradictory, and sometimes devious ways. I can’t stand evil little people lying to my face and then laughing about it at my expense behind my back. If I were to keep my mouth shut I’d be considered stuck-up, and if I were to talk they’d have a problem with just anything I could say. Anyway, I don’t know what Helen can do or if it’d even help, but we’ll see. Meanwhile, she gave me a log for our appointments.

I wonder if the courts won’t demand things of me they know damn well I couldn’t do, so they can have an excuse to throw me in jail, simply because they just don’t like me.

When I first got up, I wondered how I could possibly even make it through the day cuz I was such a bundle of nerves. Well, not that I’m now this object of tranquility and serenity, but I actually felt my nerves calm a bit after finally breaking down and pleading with God to ease up on me. I can’t ask him to stop the very shit he obviously wanted to start, but I begged him to help me with my nerves. He’s the last person I wanted to lower myself to running to, what with all he’s let happen to me. It must’ve been just a coincidence that I felt calmer, cuz why would he help the very people he hurt? I wonder how I’m gonna manage the sleep aspect of it. I’m getting less and less sleep cuz although I’m getting up a half-hour earlier each day, this does not mean I’m able to go to bed earlier.

Tom said he saw Dennis, who mentioned the clothes I left in the trailer. He said there was a whole drawer full of stuff. Really? I thought I only left 3 pairs of shorts. Anyway, he told Tom that after he goes on a hunting trip, he’ll bring in the stuff. That was honest of him to mention it and to say he’ll bring it in. I don’t have to have the stuff back, but it would be nice.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2000 Don finally called. He called at 9:30 wanting to see if I’d be around later so he can call me later on this afternoon to ask me a couple of questions pertaining to my interview (which is no doubt gonna be about money). As friendly as he sounded, I’m not looking forward to our chat. Oh, how I wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October 31st! But why does he have to call just to “see if I’ll be around?” Can’t he just call when he’s ready to and find out? Makes me wonder who he may be sending out here. After being bullshitted by the cop with the Robin H story and possibly by Mr. Biased who told me this was over, I don’t know who or what to believe, and now I’m beyond just nervous – I’m scared! I’m hoping I can at least find out more of what’s going to be going on today, like how much more money we’re gonna lose over this, etc.

Ratsy still looks like he’s dying. Every day he gets weaker and weaker, yet every time I think he’s reached the end, he lives on!

I’m too wound up to get into yesterday’s visit to Helen’s and other things, so I’ll do it later.

Later…

Having nothing more to do tonight that I feel like doing, I’ll get some writing done. I’ll discuss Helen, then Don, although I don’t expect I’ll finish writing all I’ve got to say tonight. Actually, let me cover some little odds and ends first.

We discussed getting a male and female mouse from different stores this weekend so we can start breeding them (hopefully), but we’re gonna wait and make sure I don’t end up in jail first. So, we’ll get them on Monday if I’m not in jail.

We stopped at Walgreens after Helen’s and got a few treats. A few new toys, you could say. For just a buck I got a cute, pink beanbag mouse. Got another Barbie in a pink, purple, red, and white squared dress with pink boots, a couple more puzzles, and some cologne. I got that musk scent I had before, only this one’s got body glitter in it. I also got a scent called Sunflowers. I was surprised that with a name like that, it smells so good. It’s the best one yet, next to the musk which is just about my favorite. Getting a 4-pack of body sprays last year was a dumb mistake, cuz one of them turned out OK, another was almost OK, and the other two were stunk. It’s best to do what I did; the second to last time we were in Walgreens, I sprayed a tester on myself and gave myself time to decide whether or not I liked it. You can’t always tell right away. At least I can’t.

When we got home, I thought – oh, shit! We’re just in time for a show from Dan, but once we got inside the house, he either shut up or didn’t gun that loud. So far, his motors haven’t been as loud as they were last year.

OK, onto Helen. Helen was kind enough to give me a piece of paper with information she copied from somewhere regarding Tom’s problem. I was astonished to learn that his problem is fairly common, and for the first time since knowing him, I believe there’s a damn good chance he really is telling the truth to the best of his ability. This doesn’t mean I’m not right about his subconscious fear of a kid, but at least I’ve learned that there’s a 99% chance he is being honest with me (I didn’t expect this out of therapy!).

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2000 Woke up a bit tired today. I’m sure I’ll be more tired each day through Monday. Probably even past that, cuz they’ll no doubt make me see Don and Helen next week too, so no sleeping in for me for what’ll no doubt be months.

It’s been pretty stormy for the last few days, but it looks like it may finally clear up now. Yesterday it rained like hell. No thunder and lightning, just lots of rain in patches. Instead of the hard rains monsoons normally bring, it rained fairly light off and on and for longer periods of time, although there were a few times when it was really coming down. When I got up today, I couldn’t see any of the surrounding mountains. They were all fogged out. The sun’s just now starting to burn away the clouds, but it’s still down to 60 degrees.

After doing so well, I’ve been stuck since Friday, thanks to the stress over the freeloaders. They even own my shit system and dictate when I can shit!

Helen’s office called yesterday saying Helen had to cancel our Saturday appointment, so I’m going in to waste another of our much-needed $25 tonight at 6:00. If she’s more than a few minutes late again, I’m gonna have to really stress to her that she needs to be punctual or I’m gonna have to see someone else. I’d have preferred to meet this Saturday, cuz it’d be closer to Monday than today is, but oh well.

Speaking of $25, I won $25 on a scratch ticket yesterday, plus two more bucks on another! I’ve never won that much before on a scratch ticket! He hasn’t either.

One of my biggest concerns going to court, even bigger than my concern of jail, is the money they’re gonna suck out of us. They’re gonna milk us dry! I know they will! And just how much of the hundreds of dollars are gonna end up in the freeloaders’ pockets, further humiliating me and damaging me emotionally? I’m already scarred for life cuz of these sick fucks, but have I asked God for help? Of course not! Why would I ask the very being who set all this shit up in the first place for help? He wanted these people to fuck with me, so no amount of begging and pleading would get him to call them off. He’s the one that had to sic them on me in the first place, so you think he gives a damn about how I’m feeling? Ha! He knowingly and intentionally made sure all this would happen. Why I don’t know. The only reasons I can think of are that he did it because I got away with shit in the past and because he just plain old doesn’t like me. He simply wants to punish me and he’s using them as a weapon to get at me. Another reason is that in his eyes, I rebelled against what he wanted for me. He wanted me to have noisy neighbors and I tried to fight it. Well, this is what I get for trying to get out of it, obviously.

I cannot begin to express the emotional damage jail would do to me, if that’s where I ended up. If I think I’m emotionally damaged enough as it is, I doubt I could ever recover from being sent to jail. I’m not gonna even recover from this! If I picked on innocent people - picked on them with way more than just words on paper or an answering machine - that’d be different. But these are people that provoked me for no reason at all and I spoke out about it. I simply gave them a piece of my mind. Going to jail would be literally taking my life. I wouldn’t be able to rock when I got out, since sitting in that position takes regularity. I’d be a stranger to Houdini, my muscle tone would be gone, and I’d no doubt be unable to have sex again - there’s no end to what it’d do to me. I don’t think, this time around, I could just kiss ass and turn the other cheek, if I got sent to jail. I don’t think I could just “take it.” I really think I’d need to hunt their asses down and literally kill them. I’ve been itching with the desire to kill them for years now, so imagine how that’d escalate if I ended up jailed any more than I already have been for these fucking freeloaders.

How can God be so mean? How can he be so damn cruel and insensitive as to let these people harass and victimize me for years and make me pay for it all because I sent a letter and made a phone call about it?! Does he really not have one ounce of sympathy and mercy for me? Did he feel my life was too empty and boring that he had to go and sic these freeloaders on me? What? Did he feel that since a kid would be too much for me to handle, and since I’m not in a position to work or have a career of any kind, I should at least be victimized by people who should’ve been a part of my past as of April 4th, 1999? These freeloaders will never be a part of my past. Never! And I don’t see how I can ever heal or get over what they’ve done to me. I can’t just “walk away,” can’t just “ignore them” and their effects on me.

Meanwhile, I expect to hear from Paul and Don this week for sure.

Oh, and also – Tom said that at this point, the Paul’s out of it and it’s up to the judge and the probation department from here on out. I don’t know about that, but if he’s right, it’s not very consoling to know that two people who don’t even know me from a hole in the wall are going to sit in judgment of me. Even I’d think I looked back with the case presented as it is, never knowing, witnessing, and living through what they put me through, and never knowing me. They don’t know a damn thing about me.

It still bothers me that I quit smoking, I go to Helen for him, yet what personal changes is gonna make for me? When does he do something so he can cum at least every other time? Again, I know I’m sterile, and I know that he could cum every day and not impregnate me, but I want to see it played out anyhow. It’s just not fair. I make all kinds of personal changes, more for him than for me, yet he won’t lift a finger to change one simple little thing for me, and if he does, it’s only short-term and then he quits. He gives up on everything. I wasn’t asking him to cum for the rest of his life, either. Just for a few consistent months. That’s it. So, to know that’s too much to ask of my own husband is both humiliating and insulting. It really is.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist wasn’t any more fun than I thought it’d be. Those bottom front teeth sure were sensitive! They stung like hell while he worked on them. The top retainer was OK, but the bottom needed tightening. Just like the last time, Anne assisted the doctor, but I did see Melanie along the way. We said hi and bye to each other as I came and went. My next appointment is for a cleaning and check-up on 12/21.

Now why can’t most blacks be like Anne? Dear, sweet, smart, friendly black Anne?

After the dentist, which fortunately didn’t make me shaky and dizzy this time around, we went to the mall. They’re gonna up my ring from a 4½ to a 5½ by cutting it and adding a plain piece of gold. It’ll cost $25 and will be ready on court day. Then, if I ever miraculously lose weight, I can either put tape or something on the underside of the ring or I can get the extension removed.

After leaving the mall and passing by many different kinds of stores I wished I could shop in, we went to a scummy, Mexican grocery store. It was the only convenient one on the way.

Once back in Maricopa, we stopped at Circle K for the bingo scratch tickets and our usual treats.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2000 It was only 59° when I got up. It’s been storming since yesterday afternoon. Thunder woke me up for a minute early this morning. I slept in today and got up at 9:15. I thought I’d sleep till 10:00 or 11:00, but even though I didn’t, and even though I woke up a few times in between, I feel well-rested. I had a dream that Don sent me a copy of a letter I assume he was to give to the judge, saying how horrible a person I am. I can’t believe I still haven’t heard from Don. Or Paul “reminding” me of court by playing dumb, insisting he missed me in court. If only we had money! I’d skip court, ignore these freeloaders like I’ve been trying to for years now, then pay Sharon, since she’s just too nice to stiff.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be in for a ton of freeloader-related dreams this next week. A couple of nights ago I dreamt Houdini nearly escaped forever by crawling into the overflow drain in the bathroom sink, which in the dream, was wide enough for a rat to crawl through.

I even gave up on sleeping together, at least for a while. We started to last night, and he didn’t move/snore too badly, but I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be dealing with it. I’m just too nervous at this point. Although I appreciate his understanding, patience, and tolerance, I still feel bad. If only I never lived in the NHA. If only! Besides, what’s the point of being normal when this works for us? It’s like what Helen said about his not dealing with his not cumming – it works for him. Well, we can still love each other when sleeping separately. As long as we’re together in the sense that matters, we don’t need to share the same bed, cuz I just don’t like sharing a bed. I just don’t like it. It just doesn’t feel right. Maybe someday, if and when there’s ever less stress and less bullshit going on in our lives, I’ll try again to adapt to it, but I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet. Life’s always been one thing after another after another. For now, though – fuck being normal. There’s nothing normal about this relationship anyway. Never has been, never will be. Well, perhaps it wouldn’t be fair to say there’s nothing normal about it, but most things about it aren’t.

On our way out yesterday, I was pissed to realize I forgot the books to use for credit at the bookstore, but anyway, I got 6 books. All but one are full size and 5 of them are a V.C. Andrews series.

After the bookstore, we went to Walgreens and they had that Turbie Twist towel! I love it too, and it really works well. I had my doubts at first that it’d dry hair faster cuz it looked/felt just like a regular towel, but it did dry it faster. Even if it didn’t, it’s nice just to have a convenient way of getting it up and out of the way till it dries. I hated having to have it plastered to me and dripping for nearly an hour. That reminds me - Mom said Mary was looking for the one they’ve got to bring to me, but she couldn’t find it. Yeah, that’s something Mary would do – lose a towel. That’s what a slob she is. Anyone who can’t find a towel, especially one like that, lives in major clutter. Leave it to Mary to be that disorganized and unable to find things. Just like Tom can’t find anything in his office. And Mary’s place isn’t just a mess, it’s filthy!

I also got a pair of colorful gloves for a couple of bucks. They’re knit gloves that are small and said to stretch to fit anyone. They help keep my hands from feeling chafed while I row, but I do the exercises without them.

I got strawberry-kiwi lip gloss in a shiny tube, a puzzle with palm trees and flowering bushes, two pairs of panties, and a sports bra.

Tom said he saw rubber spiders and rubber rats but forgot to show them to me (we had split up for a while).

On our way back through all the cloud coverage, we could see individual storm cells, as Tom said they’re called. Even though it’s still cloudy out, it looks like the storms could be over, although there’s no way to know for sure at this point. I hope they are over. I’d like to sleep tonight, seeing how I’ve got my dentist appointment tomorrow, and how it’d be safer to drive in drier weather.

More annoying commercials – they have this stuff to kill mice for those who consider them pests, but what about stuff to kill dogs that some of us consider pests? You know, as in a couple of collies that barked non-stop and probably still do? I’m not there anymore, though, so you never know.

Yes, Dan’s definitely over there. He was quiet yesterday, thanks to the storms, but Friday night he gave us an engine-gunning spree. The gunning didn’t go on for hours, but long enough to be annoying and to tell me he was there. Also, the ‘for sale’ sign says the place is for sale by owner. Well, the owner kind of has to be there in order to sell it by the owner, don’t they? As long as we don’t get anything worse in there, I’m glad his place is up for sale. He needs to go. Tom says the place will take years to sell, but I doubt that. Especially if God’s planning on sending us noisier assholes to live over there, like he loves to do, so it’ll depend on how desperate he is to stick the same old shit near me.

I’m pretty sure I also heard music a few times Friday night too (that’s what I get for bragging about how quiet it’s been), but I’m not sure if all of it came from Dan. It could’ve been bangers cruising around.

Later…

He doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t get it. As soon as he said there was nothing to deal with today, I knew he didn’t get it. I was stressing big time about the fucking freeloaders (if I’m this stressed out a week in advance, imagine how I’ll be next weekend)! and they were on my nerves so much that I could barely concentrate on making chili mac and pudding for Tom. I don’t know, he just comes off as being as non-empathetic as he was when I wanted a kid really bad and it bothers me. It even hurts to know he doesn’t feel an ounce of anger towards these freeloaders for what they’ve put me through. He said being angry wouldn’t help things, but how can he not feel a bit of anger towards these fucking assholes? How could I not feel anger towards anyone who hurt him? What should I do if someone decided to strangle Houdini? Say, “Oh, well. Getting angry won’t change or help anything.” Is that what I should say? I don’t think so! I envy Tom and his ability to control his emotions, but I can’t just click off and ignore things I can’t or don’t want to deal with or that can’t be changed as he can. And to say there’s nothing to deal with today – ha! For who? For him maybe, but for me – I have to deal with all this stress these freeloaders continue to cause me as if we all still lived together as one big miserable bunch.

I tried calling Paula like I said I would this weekend, but got no answer. I left a message.

I came up with a brilliant idea the other night; to take pictures off the TV from frozen videos. I tried to pause videos and take pictures from the other TV, but it wouldn’t work. The glare I got off the glass made it look too washed out, but because this is a plastic screen, you don’t get a glare from it. The pictures don’t look great, but they look good enough. I took some still shots of Kate the other night.

Later…

Tom just went out to see when the next storm will come. No doubt when I’m asleep. Anyway, he said there’s a flash flood watch in effect, and that some places got really bad flooding.

Tom said that just because he doesn’t always show his emotions doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. I envy him! How I wish I was like him, not showing my emotions. I wish I didn’t feel the need to express my emotions and concerns cuz most of the time it just causes trouble. He said he chooses to be the way he is. Why can’t I choose to be the way I want to be? What blessed him with such control? He does it a little too well if you ask me. Sometimes it makes me feel like he has no feelings, no empathy, and like he’s trying to hide things.

Tom came back in saying that it may not rain if it keeps going in the direction it’s going in.

Later…

Tom’s in bed now. He went to bed early so he could get up earlier. Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with any boring bed sessions. He took advantage of my stress, as I hoped he would, to bail his own disinterested self out of it.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2000 I was in the second bath just now when I heard this metallic sound like someone trying to bust into our shed. Good, I thought, now I can legally do whatever I want to this person (unless they shoot me down and make sure I never get up) cuz they’re trespassing. And if the courts find me guilty, they’ll make me a very rich woman, cuz I’ll sue the fuck out of them for denying me the right to defend myself and my property.

However, as far as I could tell, the sound wasn’t coming from this property, next door, Dan’s, or the renters. It was coming from the front of the house. My first impression was that it was coming from the house two lots in front of next door (the lot in front of them is empty like the one in front of us still is). The sound, which you could hear loud and clear in the house, sounded like someone throwing something into a dumpster, just like when Tom would throw roofing material in the dumpster we rented. I can’t see anyone on the roof of that house, although I can only see a tiny portion of it from here. When I went outside I couldn’t see anything either, but man was it loud! It sounded almost explosive-like at one point like it was many miles away and may have come from the northeast, rather than the southeast, but it’s definitely something being thrown into a metal bin of some kind. Maybe they’re packing up what’s left of that trailer that burned. From inside the house, it sounds like the equivalent of one or two houses away in Phoenix. Remember, there’s nothing in between us and this sound to block it, so it sounds closer than it really is. It wouldn’t wake me up if I had the fan on, but it’d definitely wake me up without it. It’s not a constant sound. I hear a few bangs and then nothing for a while. It’s like they’re doing whatever it is they’re doing in little spurts.

I forgot to say that yesterday morning, just before 8:00 when the power was out, I heard the renter’s motorcycle. I thought, oh please! Don’t go revving that engine just because the power’s out and you want attention, but this time it actually went somewhere. Either that or they stopped almost as quickly as they started. I saw smoke coming from over there too, like they were burning trash.

It’s still quiet music-wise, and I haven’t seen any cars on Meadow Green in weeks. I shouldn’t keep marveling in this journal about how quiet it’s been, though. That’ll only make them start their shit up again!

Later…

Gonna watch the old rerun of Charlie’s Angels that’s going on at 1:00. For now, I thought I’d write some more.

It didn’t get as cold as I thought it’d get yesterday morning and we didn’t need heat. In fact, in another hour or two, I’ll probably need to AC it a little.

Forget about writing for now. I’m gonna go put the oldies channel on and get today’s work done, which is the dining and living area.

Later…

Kate looked great – damn great! This is really cool having a crush on her all over again. It’s like it’s a brand-new crush, cuz I wasn’t exactly blossomed enough sexually as a 10-year-old to have the kind of crush on her that I do now. The younger her, that is. She’s tall and she has the dark hair and eyes I like with a beautiful smile, although I never really had a height preference. She’s also one of the very few women I thought looked better with her hair shorter. I’d never have guessed more than half my life ago that I’d be drooling all over her at nearly 35 years of age. Meanwhile, blond-haired, blue-eyed Carol Kane wore off of me as fast as she turned me on.

It’s amazing how poorly Kate’s aged compared to Jaclyn and Cheryl (Farrah declined the request to be interviewed). Jaclyn and Cheryl only look about 10 years older than when they were on Charlie’s Angels, but not Kate!

During the interview when all the different people were discussing the show, it mentioned those that bitched about it, insisting it was “jiggle TV,” yet as one guy put it, no one calls it jiggle TV when a cock appears on TV scantily clad. Anyone that had a problem with Charlie’s Angels must be dying over today’s TV. This is what I mean when I bitch about life’s little control freaks. Why the fuck do these people have to try to control things and get this shit off the air when all they have to do is just not watch it! Who’s making these ass wipes watch stuff they don’t want to see? You may not be able to throw away and ignore a pack of rowdy freeloaders a few feet away from you, but you can ditch and ignore mail and TV shows you’re not interested in.

Tom put the door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door. It keeps the ratdog out when I don’t feel like chasing him around, although I do let him play the hide and seek game he loves so much every now and then, and let him go hide in the closet, under the bed, the walker.

The air cleaner had been making funny noises like it was gonna die, but Tom fixed it. He opened it up and vacuumed out all the dust that was inside, and contrary to what we thought, that was apparently the cause of the funny sound it made cuz it’s sounded normal ever since.

OK, so I know I won’t ever be president, a parent, a natural blond, a millionaire, nor will I ever have 4 legs and 9 arms, but I just don’t know that I won’t be sent to jail. You never know what was an act. Meaning, all of Paul’s reassurances could’ve been pure bullshit. There’s no way to be sure of what’s really in his mind and the minds of his associates. He could know, could’ve always known, that I’d end up in jail in the end, and of course he’d lie about it and tell me not to worry. He could hate people with big green eyes as much as I hate bees. Given his position, that’s all it’d take to make sure I lost my freedom, not that I haven’t lost enough of it as it is. No one sees the big picture here – that they abused and victimized me for years. And Tom too, since he’s had to deal with their shit as well, and its effect on me. They don’t care that I sent words and not bombs. I can’t believe how much the laws have changed and how bold people have become! Yes, they will embarrass and implicate themselves to get at you. People’s anger greatly overrides any sense of logic, fear, embarrassment, or shame they may have and all they know is that they want to “get you.” And like I said, that bitch didn’t get scared – she got pissed.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2000 Signing in on a stormy, rainy day. Just when it seemed that all we’d have was tons of thunder and a little lightning, the rains came. I just hope we don’t lose power again for the next 15 minutes so my potato can finish cooking. I noticed that I seem to be a bit more regular if I have my daily potato towards the beginning of my day, rather than at the end. Anyway, there was quite a bit of lightning when I went to bed last night at 1:00, then the thunder woke me up at 7:30, an hour and a half before I was scheduled to get up. The power was out for a little while, too. I swear I’ve been woken up more in the near year we’ve been here, than all the time in the Phoenix house! At first it was gunshots, cops, and booms. Now it’s storms, strange or unpleasant dreams, or just because. A lot of the time I wake up for no apparent reason at all. What’s worse is knowing I can’t do a rollover if I want to after the 30th. The freeloaders will be running my life all the more at that point and I’ll have at least two appointments a week. And this is just probation and therapy. Who knows just how often I’ll have to do community service? I’m sure I’ll have to, though. It’ll be God’s way of punishing me for bashing the freeloaders of this world. He worships the lazy compared to the hard-working people of this world, I swear!

Later…

It’s only just after 4:00 yet it’s like twilight in here due to the storms that keep coming and going. It’s really coming down this time around, and when you see water running down the wash, you know it rained a lot. It’s only 66 degrees out there now. It’s gonna be cold tonight! Especially right before dawn. I might put the heat on low before I crash or he might put it on when he gets up. I know that if it isn’t on by the time I get up, I’ll definitely need to put it on. The problem is, Tom’s on his way in from grocery shopping and I wonder if he’s gonna make it OK. I don’t have any bad vibes saying he’ll be harmed in any way, but I wonder if he might get stuck for a while. I hope not!

Although it rarely rains in Arizona, I wish we had a garage off the utility. It would keep rain and wind out and cut down on the bugs, too.

When he called from work to tell me he was on his way to the store before coming home, his call came up as out-of-area, and boy did my heart start thumping! I thought it might be Paul calling, and again, even though my logic says I have nothing to worry about, things happen that defy logic all the time in life. Thanks, freeloaders. Thanks a lot. For the stress, I mean. Same goddamn stress they caused me to have when we lived with each other; it’s just a different kind of stress nowadays.

Not that I’m complaining, but my belly’s been flatter lately. I don’t know why, either. Maybe cutting way down on my refined sugar intake really is making a difference. I know being regular helps with that, but I’m sure it’ll bloat back out as I get closer to my period.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2000 Friday night’s sleeping together went well. I woke up several times but only once was it because of him. He and Mom were up before I was both days. Trying to sleep together Saturday night was a different story. Maybe I could’ve done it, but by the time it was past 1:00, I knew I had to give up and move him so I wouldn’t have to have what little sleep I might get broken up as much (he went into the retreat since it wasn’t as comfortable for me on the exercise mat as I thought it’d be). I just couldn’t get to sleep and he was moving and snoring more than the previous night. Wearing an earplug helped, but two nights in a row of trying to be normal was just too much for me. So we agreed to start with one night a week, Friday night, where we sleep together, then slowly build up from there. I just don’t think I can adapt to sleeping with my own husband regularly, though. I didn’t think I could adapt to a life without cigarettes either, so we’ll just have to wait and see. God, think of all the normal, everyday things most couples take for granted that are the impossible dream for me!

I slept later yesterday and didn’t get up till 10:30. I expected to be boomed awake yesterday and today, but it never happened. Still, I managed to get up an hour earlier today.

Boy, am I gonna be busy after the 30th! I’m gonna have to run to the probation officer every week in the beginning and they’ll probably make me see Helen once a week, rather than every other week or longer. Helen was pretty sure they’d let me see her and not make me see one of their own therapists. That’d be nice, cuz although they’d pay for me to see one of their own, that therapist would be biased and would be told the black bitch’s, cop’s, and lawyer’s version of the story and not the truth. Cops and lawyers twist the truth around all the time. They’re like the Dureens, Tammys, and Larrys of this world – sometimes telling all-out lies, frequently telling half-truths, and occasionally telling the whole truth. Not that the therapist couldn’t think what they damn well pleased, but when it’s something that could affect my well-being, then I get a little more cautious and even paranoid.

Oh, I also mentioned my erratic periods to Helen, who says she’s heard of that, too. I would’ve thought that that would be much more common than cumless guys with hard-ons, but who knows just how many shy, embarrassed, private, conservative, prudish Tom S there are out there who don’t discuss their problem? Tom will never do anything to change his ways not so much out of shame or embarrassment, but because as Helen said – it works for him. He’s OK with the way he is and therefore, he’s OK with living with it and not changing it. I also feel that just like with myself, he doesn’t want a kid bad enough to do the work required to get me pregnant, be it naturally or not.

Saw a big white pickup park at the far corner of Dan’s property this morning. The one furthest from us, in the back adjacent to the renter’s land. I couldn’t tell what they were doing. They were stooping down by the truck a lot as if they were examining something on the ground. I saw two guys through binoculars. One in a blue shirt, the other wearing that classic white T and white cap Dan loves, but I couldn’t say if it was him or not. After a little while, they got in the truck and headed towards the middle of the land where they parked amongst the tons of cars and trucks that always sit there. They were so far away that I couldn’t tell if they were fat or thin. Just that they were male, their shirt colors, and that one wore a cap. I couldn’t see their pants. The white tee and cap say Dan is there, but the strange lighting, the gate being opened differently, the neighbors seen going there, and the quietness, all point to Dan’s absence.

I wonder if George will try to buy Dan’s place, chop it up and put rentals on it, but if Dan’s really over there, or is OK somewhere in this world with anything to say about it, he might refuse to sell to George cuz he was just as upset that George split the land up to renters. I don’t know why since Dan could get noisy himself and was no neat freak, but he didn’t like it. And the people next door may not like it, either. So, since Dan and next door were friendly enough for next door to watch Dan’s place when he’d go to Indiana, he may refuse to sell to George as a favor to next door. And maybe even to the people further up Bitter Root that Tom saw turn into his place.

The sad thing about it is that I just can’t imagine any decent, quiet people buying that little dive. I think it’ll go to a young white male who plays drums or electric guitars and blasts his stereo, or maybe all of the above. If not, it’ll go to some huge Mexican family. They wouldn’t mind huddling into an old single-wide like that. Whoever moves in there will no doubt make Dan seem like he was very quiet, and I know it won’t be a single woman. Women care more about the looks of things than guys do, although I’d never guess someone like Samantha H would want our old house, either. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe it was Chris’s idea and she just went along with it.

Anyway, I am truly amazed at how quiet and peaceful it’s been. It appears my guess was right about the freeloaders getting fed up with their stereo crapping out to these roads and so they split. Not only have I not heard that stereo, but I also haven’t seen that pickup. Maybe they were just visiting for part of the summer, though, who knows? Or maybe God did us and the rest of society a favor and rammed them and their damn truck into a wall or something.

No music from the renters. Not even the motorcycle lately. There’s a blue car that’s always over there. It never moves as far as I can tell, and I never see any other vehicles come or go, so they must be parked where I can’t see them, and they must slip in and out when I’m not looking back there. I rarely look back there, anyway. I’m not into spying like I used to be. I just don’t want to know my neighbors exist. Period.

When Mary and Dave came to get Mom, we showed them the mural and its bloopers and explained what we planned to do with it to fix it up. Mary thought it was cool, but Dave didn’t seem too impressed.

From what I gather, Mary doesn’t like her mother-in-law and her buddy that much. She’s “kind of” enjoying their visit, she said, which tells me they must be a bit pushy and domineering, judging by her tone of voice (sound familiar?). Either that or they’re ditzy. I guess they came in earlier than was agreed on and Mary wasn’t too happy with that.

Later…

Tom’s home now. He said he and 15 other employees got taken to a fancy Mexican restaurant for lunch for working on a project involving how they deal with their canceled checks.

He also said a small old trailer about 8 miles from here completely burned. We don’t know if it was arson, old and faulty wiring, or what.

The weather had begun cooling down, but it’s warmed up a bit again. As of the last few days, we only need the AC from around noon – 6:00. The rest of the time we need nothing.

I’m so sick of these beggar commercials – ugh! Poor people in poor countries want our money to support the kids they should’ve been responsible enough not to have. I mean, if these people knew they were poor, why’d they have kids? They have kids they can’t afford, then expect us to pay for them – give me a break! And why do all the beggars pick on us Americans? Can’t they beg for free handouts elsewhere for a change?

Later…

I’m getting a bit stressed over the 30th again. Helen’s advice just doesn’t always cut it. So many things could go wrong. For example, the paper the interview lady gave me said to report to Don. If Don wanted to, for whatever twisted or biased reason, he could deny that we ever spoke and then how the hell would I prove that the interview lady said I could call and not bother going to his office cuz of how remote I am? How would I prove that I did speak to Don, despite the fact that phone records could be obtained? It’s his word against mine. Anything’s possible in this world. Well, almost anything. Due to how far this shit’s already gone, the sky’s the limit. It’s just so damn easy to get in deep shit with the law. It used to be you had to harm someone before any action was taken against you. Now, even threats are more than enough to get you in trouble. You can write the most non-threatening thing you want and all a person has to do is simply not like what you had to say. Period. Or not like the person who wrote it. I could’ve written that bitch about my doll collection and all she’d have to do is call the cops and insist she felt threatened by me and scared of me, and that’s it. Down I go. I told Tom that I had thought about using the new laws to my advantage for a change and having her dragged through the mud. Meaning that I may not be able to get her into court and she may not get thrown in jail, but I could at least put her through the hassle of getting arrested if I called the cops swearing she drove by twirling guns in my face or something like that, but I’d rather not lower myself to her level, and as Tom said, it’d be a bitch cuz I’d have to take the time to swear out a statement and all that shit, and I’ve already spent enough time on this sick fuck. Again, it just goes to show how determined, vindictive, vengeful, and spiteful the bitch is to take the time and effort to do what she’s done. I don’t want to use the law to “get them” like they’ve done with me. I just want them out of my life!!!!!! Again, whether she deserved it or not, whether it was legal or not, we all get mail we don’t like or want and no one made her read my mail. All she had to do was throw it out and ignore it, but she just couldn’t let go and move on. She just couldn’t.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2000 Helen was 10 minutes late this time, instead of 20, and I did not enjoy the wait in the waiting room. No, there weren’t any loud and destructive kids, but there was this spider walking along the ceiling that was creeping me out. It was getting closer and closer and just when I thought it was going to center itself over my head and string down on its web right onto my head, Helen rescued me.

We had gone to Circle K before Helen’s where I grabbed some coffee, but I finished it before she called me into her office. Found those flavored lip balms I love, though. I have strawberry, raspberry, and watermelon.

This time Helen gave more input. While I discussed my never-ending freeloader frustrations, I mostly discussed Tom’s lack of cumming, and here’s where she surprised me. She believes him. She actually believes he’s telling the truth to the best of his ability, but no, we don’t know for sure what’s in his subconscious. She also surprised me by letting me know that she has heard of guys who could get hard, but not cum!

I don’t know. I want to believe him, but then how do you explain a lot of the things he’s said and done? His actions don’t support his being truthful, but maybe he is. Just maybe he is.

When I told Helen I was OK with not having a kid, but not OK with having my choice taken away from me as to whether or not to have a kid, she said that maybe God didn’t take it away. Maybe it just hasn’t been time yet. Well, there are a lot of things in this world I don’t know, but if there’s one thing I most certainly do know, it’s that there is no such thing as the right time to have a kid in my life. If the right time hasn’t come yet, it never will. Also, yes God did take away my choice.

Helen also believes things happen for a reason and says that if I get pregnant, it’s for a reason. Yeah, and if I don’t it’s for a reason, too. The only two reasons for it that I can see are to punish me and because I couldn’t handle it. That much is obvious and that much I do know. What better way to punish a female you hate than to take away her choices as to what she can do with her own body and life? Also, as the weekend proved, I may be able to sleep with Tom and sleep fairly well enough every once in a while, but I couldn’t do it regularly. I just can’t function after losing just a couple of nights’ sleep, so this only reinforces my belief that God stole my choice knowing I couldn’t handle it. How could I? If I can’t lose more than a few nights’ sleep, how would I handle losing a few months’ sleep? God and I both also know I couldn’t handle carrying and having a child either but knowing this, he should’ve and could’ve at least made sure that I never wanted one. But because he did let me want something he knew damn well I couldn’t have; this is where the obvious punishment aspect of it comes in.

When I told Helen that most of the blacks I’ve known proved to be assholes and wondered if just maybe there was something about having darker skin that tends to make people more prone to acting out, just like most redheads have freckles, she said her experience with blacks has been different than mine.

It figures. Why do I have to be the one to have all the negative experiences?

Anyway, Helen was reading me a little poem all about attitude and its influence on the outcome of things, but I’m sorry, I just don’t agree. I just don’t see the connection, and I know I’ve written about this before, too. There have been lots of times that I went into something with a positive attitude only to get negative results, and vice versa.

Helen also insisted that I do everything I can to try not to worry about my upcoming court date till I see her again on the 28th of this month. Much easier said than done, I told her, and she said she understood it’d be hard. Still, if I can do it for 5 minutes, that’s 5 fewer minutes I have to worry about it.

She seemed pretty confident that they wouldn’t put me in jail but warned me of fines. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Anything’s better than jail, but none of this should’ve happened in the first place! None of it!!! Not the January trip to Phoenix, not the July trip to Florence, not the court dates, not the time and money spent – none of it! These freeloaders should be paying me for all the shit they put me through, and Tom too, since he’s had to deal with its effects on me.

Why do I always lose in the end? Huh?! Everyone else gets away with the shit they do, yet I always go down for it. I never ever win!

Helen, who says she also respects and understands that I don’t want to be there (in her office), suggested I not worry about them, because they’ve completely forgotten me and aren’t thinking or worrying about me for a millisecond. I thought about this and realized just how right she is – they’re not thinking or worrying about me. How blessed they are, huh? In fact, a lot of those times I thought they did things with me in mind; they probably didn’t. Meaning yes, after a few complaints they did do things deliberately to provoke me throughout the years we lived together, but a lot of it was without thought cuz they simply don’t care. They just don’t care. They came into that neighborhood without a care in the world, as if they owned it, never thinking of me or anyone else around them. In fact, half of the time, if someone had reminded them that there were other houses on the street, they would’ve been like, “Really? Oh yeah, that’s right. There are. We’re not the only ones in this world,” as if they’d totally forgotten.

Anyway, that’s all I can really think of as far as my visit to Helen goes. As always, if I remember anything else along the way, I’ll add it in.

After seeing Helen, we went to Lowe’s to pick up the mural and a few other odds and ends. I also got a faceplate for the den with vines of green leaves, and 5 rolls of different colored neon twine. I made Mom a bookmark that was supposed to be a bracelet, only I misjudged how much material I’d need. I’ve never made those kinds of bracelets with twine before.

We put up the mural on Saturday, but it didn’t go well. It tore in a few places, acquired gaps between one of the 4 panels as it dried and shrunk, wasn’t lined up very well in some areas, and had bubbles. Amazingly, most of the bubbles had smoothed out by the next day. Nonetheless, it’s beautiful and I love it. We’re going to buy some trim to cover up the edges, as well as crisscross the center of it, and make it look like it’s a big window. This will hide tears, gaps, and areas that are misaligned.

Later…

When Tom came home he brought me a notice to appear for jury duty. Aaarrrggghhh!!! Cops, courts, blacks, Mexicans, probation, jail, lawyers, juries – when’s it ever end?! Anyway, it was for Maricopa County residents only, so I checked the box stating that I no longer reside in that county (this is Pinal County).

I made Tom some chili mac and he’ll be making me the rest of the bacon we got, so I won’t have to get splattered with grease.

I saw a really neat show talking about Charlie’s Angels, my all-time favorite show from the 70s, and interviews with the angels later in life. I didn’t know Kate Jackson, my favorite angel who now looks like shit, had heart surgery and breast cancer. I wish I had my old picture collection. All of them, including Linda and Gloria’s pictures. As you know, they weren’t just pictures to me. They were like individual people, like friends. Anyway, even now the younger Kate is quite appealing to me. Not like Gloria was and like some imaginary characters I made up in my head, but I still think of her from time to time and her pictures too, wondering what it’d be like to reunite with these long-lost pictures.

Anyway, it was great having Mom here. What a difference from when Dureen would visit! I could be myself and enjoy a relaxing, fun atmosphere. Not one filled with tensions and fronts. And you don’t have to constantly entertain her, either. She was content to spend most of the time watching TV and reading one of the books we had. She read half of it and plans to finish it the next time she visits.

She was more with it than I thought she’d be, and pretty independent, too. She only needed help unhooking her bra, getting the water turned on in the shower, going up and down the stairs, and of course, with food, medications, and blood testing. Tom and I tested our own blood too, which is this thing that pricks your finger and is painless. After it pricks you, you squeeze some blood out onto a strip and it reads your sugar level. Ours was normal.

Tom put up a little rail on the side of the bed, but what we really should’ve gotten was a couple of night lights. One for the guest room and one for the bath. We’ll get them as soon as we can. Meanwhile, we left the bathroom light on so she could see well enough. As far as I know, though, she slept well and didn’t need to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

She has a fork and spoon that are bent at a 90-degree angle, making it easier for her to bring them to her mouth. It wasn’t Tom I had to worry about making gross noises at dinnertime, it was Mom! She was pretty disgusting. She ate like a little animal.

Because of her shaking, she has plastic cups with lids that she uses so she doesn’t slosh her drinks all over. She has two cups for water, juice, soda, and a different one for coffee.

The first night she was here, I cooked the three of us pork chops, then Hamburger Helper the second night.

I showed her various things and she watched me work out while Tom went to Circle K. I enjoyed having her company and having her to chat with while I worked out. It made it go faster and seem less boring, although Bowflex isn’t nearly as boring as floor work, but I totally lost my concentration on counting my reps!

Houdini didn’t seem to mind having her around. It didn’t stop him from coming out like I thought it would. I guess he’s decided to go back to being a night rat, although he still prefers to come out when Tom’s not around.

Later…

Tom finally got around to getting rid of some stuff, since we’ll be needing the money for the freeloaders. He cut out all the premium channels on the TV, cut out Cybertrails, and some stuff on the cell phone.

Tom set up mailboxes so that we can send each other messages. I like having this. It’s fun. I like sending him journal excerpts periodically like I used to via AOL.

I miss the Internet, but not all the problems that come with it. Someday, though, we’ll have faster, better connections. If we can come up with $150 extra bucks, Tom can get the stuff needed to steal free service over the satellite. Pictures that take forever to download by way of the phone will then download instantaneously.

This weekend we’re gonna put a door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door to block more light, but mostly to keep Houdini out of that area when I don’t feel like chasing him around. I don’t know if it’ll work, though. The bottom of it is flimsy and he may be able to push his way through it and still get under the door.

We’re also gonna put foam weather stripping like we had in Phoenix around the doorjambs. Something we shouldn’t have to do in a brand-new house. But we have to, thanks to the stupid Mexicans who built this house so half-assed. They put the fucking back door on cockeyed, didn’t seal any of them up completely, and God only knows how many little openings there are around the windows that aren’t visible to the naked eye. Even though we just bombed, and even though they can’t live long cuz of it, those little black bugs are raiding this place at night. At night I keep the windows shut cuz they can get through the screen, and they most certainly can get through the door gaps.

Tom surprised me by informing me of the ‘for sale’ sign up at Dan’s place. He never gave any indications of wanting to move when we talked to him, so maybe something happened to him. Maybe that’s why the neighbors seem to be taking care of the place. Either that or he just got so lonely here that he just doesn’t want to come back. His behavior sure cried out for the city and said he was extremely lonely out here. Especially if he’s as gay as I think he is. This is no place for any unattached gay person. Gay people need to be near places where they can meet each other, cuz they usually can’t meet people just anywhere.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2000 Saying I’ve got a lot to write about is an understatement! Mom’s still here but will be gone in about an hour. Mary and Dave will be coming up to get them, leaving Dave’s Mom and her boyfriend at their house.

Paula never did call this weekend like I thought she would, but that’s good since I wouldn’t have been in a position to chat with her. If Mom ever does move in, as much as I doubt she ever will, maybe Tom can install a phone jack somewhere in the master suite, so I can talk to Paula, or whoever, in a more private setting. Mom’s always in the den where the phone is unless she’s at the table eating, or seeing something we’re showing her, or in the guest room.

I have mixed emotions about Mom leaving, although, for the most part, I wish she’d stay. It feels good to have more responsibility and to feel more productive and like I’m helping someone. We’d probably only screw once a month or less with her here, something you know I’m sick of anyway, so she’d be rescuing me from having to do that every 1-3 weeks (we didn’t get together as I predicted). On the other hand, her leaving gives me a little more freedom. Freedom to run around naked, swear, talk loud if I want to, run up and down, etc. If I ran too much with her here, she might think something was wrong. Same if I talk loud, although I did come out of the bedroom late at night in just my panties to get a drink. If this were Tom’s dad and not his Mom, then I’d have thrown a robe on.

The only time I felt a little controlled and uncomfortable was when Tom gave me the eye about a comment I made in regard to a topic he brought up. He brought up the proposition they’ve got going about allowing people to develop homes in certain areas, and it led to my expressing my opinion about having rentals behind us and the noise and destruction Section 8 people bring, should we get stuck with that yet again. First of all, my statement about Section 8 people being scummy was true, and second of all, don’t ever think that just because you’re a guest in my house I’m gonna conform to what others might prefer and put on false airs. I am who I am and no one’s going to take away my freedom within my own home, if I can help it, in unreasonable ways. That’s been done enough, thank you. Meanwhile, I cut out the swears and other things. I need to be myself and not try to predict what others will think of what I say. I can’t control what others think of my opinions/statements, and I don’t want to, either. Any guest in my home is expected to accept and deal with how I live, what I do, and what I say, just like it would be expected of me to respect the ways of others when I visit them. No one has to agree with me when I express my feelings about certain subjects. No visitor has to like everything I say, do, wear, etc., but they do have to accept it, live with it, and not try to change and control it. That’s being too pushy and asking too much of me; if you think I should keep my opinions to myself in my own home. I’ll be reserved and phony in other ways, especially in public or other houses, but not here. Home isn’t the place to be somebody I’m not.

I don’t know that Mom would like to live here, being this remote, and since it would mean she couldn’t go to daycare. She loves daycare way better than sitting at home every day. Whatever’s meant to be, though, will be.

I want to jump back to my session with Helen and go in order of events before getting more into Mom’s stay with us, which has been very enjoyable. Better yet, I’ll do it later or tomorrow. Mary and Dave will be here any sec.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2000 Tom should be in any time now with Mom. I’m really looking forward to her visiting this weekend!

They’ve sonic boomed by 3 straight days in a row. They boomed by more like 2-3 times a week last January – March, but are pretty regular about it this time around, till they crash. They boomed by at 9:30 and 2:30 two days ago, 9:15 yesterday, and 8:45 today.

Again I woke up many times and was even up for an hour. I was contemplating getting up when I managed to fall back asleep. I don’t expect to sleep very well until after the 30th. Maybe.

I did some cleaning and washed the guest bed sheets. I brought some of Tom’s clothes into the bedroom, so he won’t have to go into the guest room while she’s in there.

My visit with Helen went well and I was even in for a surprise from her. I’ll discuss it later, though.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2000 It was really chilly in here when I got up so I put the heat on for an hour or so. Now, though, it’s hotter in here than it was yesterday. This is probably because I didn’t open the windows today and let the cool air circulate throughout the house. It’s about 81 degrees inside and outside right now.

I let myself sleep an extra hour today cuz I woke up so tired yesterday, but I woke up a zillion times. I first went to sleep with the sound machine on so I wouldn’t have to have the fan moving the air, but I just couldn’t get used to that, so I had to put the fan on. I think I do prefer the circulating air along with the sound of the fan better, anyway.

Saw an interesting documentary on ancient Pompeii, and again, these are the kinds of things that would’ve bored me to death years ago. The show showed old ruins and skeletons from 2000 years ago when Mount Vesuvius erupted.

Tom just got in and says the mural’s in! Great! Can’t wait to get it up this weekend.

I’ll write later after my appointment with Helen, or tomorrow, or even Monday, depending on how busy the weekend turns out.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2000 Finally got through to Paula. I got her machine, though. I let her know I’d call her not this weekend, but next, and told her I look forward to hearing what she thinks of the calendar, story and tape. I look forward to her sending more pictures. Current pictures are great, but I wish she’d send an old one too, from around 10 years ago! I wonder if she’ll send any dolls.

Helen’s office called yesterday to remind me of tomorrow’s appointment, and of course, my heart beat madly until I realized who it was. It came up as private. This is the time Paul and Don ought to start calling to rehash shit I just want to forget and move on from, and to make me do things I don’t want to do, so I can feel like a kid all over again. Of course, I don’t expect I’ll have to do anything till sentencing day, other than go see Don and Helen. That’s enough right there.

What worries me is how the bitch will react towards probation if that’s all I get. Probation wouldn’t be enough for her. She wants me in jail. No doubt about it. We already know how vindictive, vengeful and spiteful this bitch is, and we already know how obsessed she is with me, so will probation cut it with her? Somehow I doubt it. Nothing’s ever good enough for this bitch. She just cannot drop it and move on! And if she’s already been able to abuse her position within the courts this far, how much further can and will she go? She certainly doesn’t mind taking the time out to do this. It’s obviously plenty worth it to her. As it is, a non-threatening letter and phone call should never have gone this far. So, if it can go as far as it has, it can go further. It shouldn’t have gone any further than being rudely dragged out of my house by a bunch of lying pigs to the police station, but even that’s overkill, and again, life is unfair. So, knowing that, I know the worst possible case scenario could very well happen.

Why has God restored my hearing in my good ear? It seems that lately my hearing’s improved and has been much better in that ear, not that it was ever too shitty. I can no longer tolerate the volumes I used to listen to music for years. Did he make my hearing better so I could hear further away? That’d be convenient since noise is further away from us here than it was in Phoenix, but lately, it’s been amazingly quiet. There have been a few times I thought I heard music, but other than that, it’s been dead quiet like a rural town should be.

Later…

It’s not even 11 AM, yet it’s only 65 degrees out.

Anyway, I forgot to say earlier that they’re booming again. I heard them at 9:30.

Also, Tom did back exercises yesterday. We’ll see how long it lasts.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2000 Went into the city yesterday as planned. At least we made it one way without getting held up. On the way back, we went through Lavene and got slowed by a creeper, but we cruised right into the city the airport way. I like going by Sky Harbor Airport and seeing the planes fly over the freeway. I can sometimes see them land too, if the angle and timing are just right and there are no trucks blocking my view.

No one was there when we got in, and Tom hung out with me for nearly an hour before he left. Other than the dog barking out back, the obnoxious parakeets, and the stench of dog piss, it was quiet. Of course it was quiet; I don’t live there.

Dave stopped in for a quick lunch after we arrived and he left right after Tom left to get Mom at daycare and take her to get her stitches out. While I was alone I played solitaire on the computer, cuz I couldn’t find their tiles game on either computer. I also left Mary a surprise document in her word processor. Just a few sentences saying hi, guess who this is, etc.

I chatted with Mom when she got in while Tom checked their computer network, then we left. She gave us 10:00, which we spent on junk at Circle K, and her suitcase and toilet thing. The toilet thing raises her up cuz she can’t bend her knees well. Guess she must be anxious to visit since she’s already packed.

I also just had to get a little bit of a flow when we screwed and went out. I had cramps on the way into the city, so I swallowed some ibuprofen without water in the car, so I wouldn’t have to wait longer. But why does it always have to happen when we screw or go out? Last time it was when I went to Helen’s that I had to flow. Before that, it was during sex and then in July, it was jail. I don’t have sex that often nor do I go out that often, so can’t I ever rag when I’m home and not having sex?! Besides, how can I hide my flows from him, however wimpy they may be, when he gets blood on himself and the sheets? Does something up there want him to know when I’m flowing? Well, I’d prefer that he didn’t know. When he knows, he tends to play games more when I’m mid-cycle. I tried to blame the blood on irritation (which I truly did have, as always) and I tried to blame the cramps on a pulled muscle, but I don’t know if he bought it. If I was gonna be mid-cycle, as screwy as my cycles are, during the middle of the week, that’d be one thing. But if it hits a Sunday, then all the more I might have to deal with his games. You know, the one where he suddenly forgets how to screw. I hate going through the bullshit motions for nothing, and he’s terrified in bed as it is, so sterile or not, no man that terrified of making a kid wants to get within inches of a possibly ovulating woman.

He got slightly playful on Sunday. I could be wrong, but I think he was trying to get me to think we were gonna screw at certain times on Sunday, only to be let down. When is this guy gonna wake up and see that it’s no disappointment to me and that it hasn’t been for years and that he’s playing his own games with himself, if that’s truly what he was trying to do? And by the way, now he says he likes sex when it’s not too dark out, but not too light either, like when the sun’s setting or rising. My only surprise this weekend was the time of day we got together. I expected to screw Monday, but not in the morning like we did. His bullshit excuse for his slow movements, which I know was to keep from cumming, was back pain. Yeah, something always hurts, doesn’t it? Then he says he’s gonna start doing exercises for that, but do you know how many times I’ve heard that? And so what if he does start doing exercises for that? He’ll only quit. I’m just so tired of the same old, same old, and the same goddamn lame excuses that he does nothing about. He does nothing to help himself cuz he just doesn’t want to be helped.

We agreed we’d sleep together this weekend while his mother’s here, but I know that’ll be a disaster. Nothing’s changed with that; I’m still the lightest sleeper in the world, and God won’t be there to help. Heaven forbid Jodi S should be normal in any kind of intimate way. The slightest movement – I’ll wake right up. The slightest sound – I’ll wake right up. I’ll either have to end up crawling into the retreat on my exercise mat, or he’ll have to crawl in there to sleep on the airbed if we can find the stuff to patch the hole Houdini made in it.

Speaking of Houdini, he was acting like a weekend rat, as usual. He just doesn’t like Tom. For some reason, he’s scared of him. I guess it’s cuz Tom doesn’t feed and handle him like I do. Anyway, on weekends, he’s reluctant to come out and run around. I have to coax him out and take him out myself usually. But during the week when he knows he’s gone, out he comes on his own. He used to come out at night after Tom went to bed, but now he comes out for an hour or two when I get up after he’s been gone for a few hours.

Later…

I just tried calling Paula, but couldn’t get through to her. I was going to call her this weekend, but cuz of Mom’s visit, I thought I’d call today, but all I get is static after one ring. I could get the message I left Tom just fine, as well as his call telling me he’d be late, so I guess the problem is on her end. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll call this weekend because if I remember right, she’s a weekend caller for the most part.

Mary wrote my character letter saying she’s known me for years, I’m kind and considerate, she’s been a guest in my house and treated well, I love animals and collect dolls. I’m surprised she mentioned the dolls. What do dolls have to do with my character? Nonetheless, the letter was well-written and articulate.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2000 It’s beautiful out right now at only 71° and I have some windows open to let in the nice breeze. They say it might get down as low as 50° in the next few nights. I knew it would be chilly enough in here by early morning, once I saw that it was already down to 68° by 10:00 last night. When I got up it was down to 76° in here, and I usually like it to be 80°-81°.

Today we’re going out at noon to bring his Mom to get her stitches out. Well, he’s going to take her to get them out. I’m gonna hang out at the house and play on the computer. Mary and Dave have to work today.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2000 October 30th is getting closer and the stress is mounting yet again. If God has any mercy on me whatsoever, he’ll make sure this is the last court date. I can’t take this every few months. I just can’t take this anymore! I go home from jails or courts, slowly get on with my life, then the stress and anxiety slowly eats at me little by little as the next court date draws closer and these sick fucks are thrust upon me and my life all over again. Uuuggghhh!!!

Tom noticed I was stressing earlier and said it sometimes helps to talk. No thanks, I told him. I don’t want to argue, which is what we often seem to do when it comes to these blacks, and of course, the Mexicans, too. They’ve come between us enough, thank you. Besides, I’ve got Helen now and it’s her job to listen to me talk to her. It’s not Tom’s place anymore. I don’t want him to have to listen to me bitch about anything, whether we agree on it or argue about it or not.

I find myself not so much missing Andy, but wondering about him. I still feel I did the right thing by cutting him loose. We just had less and less in common as time went on and I got tired of his coming over only when he wanted a button sewn or to browse the net. He became quite the pest, along with his never-ending rebellious attitude towards my simple little requests, and as Tom pointed out, he wouldn’t have been able to come out here anyway. Maybe once every year or two. It just would’ve been too hard on him and his car. And it would’ve been so hard for him to restrain himself from the long-distance calls, too. Nonetheless, and although this is quite impossible, I sometimes wish I could talk to him once a year, but I’d never want to resume regular contact with him. That I don’t miss. Just to know what he’s been up to on a yearly basis would be nice enough. However, what could he tell me? The same thing year after year? Sadly enough, I’m afraid so. I think he’s peaked in life just like I have at this point. I’m sure that although it’s been just over a year since we talked, he’s still doing the same things – getting fired, getting high, hanging out with losers, living on the phone, stuffing his face, and dreaming of Mr. Right, who by most people’s standards, is really Mr. Wrong. Mr. Very Wrong.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2000 Tom was right – the strips do pop off the wall easily enough, and without destroying the wall. Someday, when we go to repaint, we’ll pop off all the strips. I hate them, anyway. They totally interfere with my decorating. Anyway, he popped the two strips that were where the mural is going, then spackled the gap. Once that dries, he’ll sand it, then the wall will be all prepped and ready for the mural. The mural’s not ready to be picked up yet, and I assume they would’ve notified us already if it had to be back-ordered.

I saw a show on the learning channel that would’ve bored me to tears when I was younger. Now, however, I find these things interesting; fossilized animal remains from thousands, even millions of years ago.

No predictable, boring, cumless quickie today because today is Saturday. I would bet my dolls on us screwing tomorrow, our usual sex day, if it weren’t for the long weekend. I think we’ll end up screwing Monday, though, if we get together at all this weekend seeing that we just got together last weekend, cuz he tends to put that off till the end of the weekend. In this case, the end of the weekend, when he starts to tire down and unwind, will be Monday afternoon.

Later…

I can’t draw anymore. I just can’t draw anymore! Why? Is it just another compensation for being here? It’s a worthy tradeoff if that’s what it is, but I wonder – is that really it?

We were talking about foods his mother would like while she’s with us next weekend. Yes, she’s actually going to stay with us next weekend! Then any other time she may need to during Mary’s treatment, depending on how sick she gets. It’s going to be about 6 months before Mary’s treatment is done, and who knows how often this thing will reoccur? Anyway, Tom said Mom would like to have at least one meal a day where we all sat down at the table (preferably without Tom making those disgusting sounds he makes when he eats) cuz Mary and Dave don’t do that. They run out for fast food and bring it home to eat in front of the TV. They don’t clean and they don’t cook. It’s a good thing I can’t lose any more weight and that I’m now in the maintain state, cuz I could certainly never lose weight with all the extra foods that’ll be around. I just don’t have the willpower I once had.

When I asked Tom why he thought I had an easier time saying no to food in the past than I do now, he said it was cuz I had more to rebel against back then. True. Very true. But I still have enough to rebel against now – freeloaders, cops, courts, and I still feel controlled by him in bed and I don’t care what he says. But that doesn’t mean I’d feel controlled by him if he had ear surgery like I had, for example, and I had to help him with that. That wouldn’t be his fault. So, having dirty clothes to wash may not make me feel “controlled,” but being told what to do and where to go does make me feel controlled. What’s happened with these cops and courts thanks to these freeloaders, has totally made me feel like a kid all over again with no say in the matter whatsoever. Well, let me tell you – I’m sick and tired of being told what to do, and if that’s being rebellious, then so be it.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2000 Tom’s going to stop at his Mom’s after work before doing the grocery shopping. He meant to see her yesterday but had to do a tour at work that ran a little late. He said she mentioned giving us some money. I guess she wants to give us a little for all the flat tires and shit like that we’ve had. It won’t be much, though. Probably just $20, but it’s something.

Tom said that Don’s not in a hurry to call me back no doubt cuz he liked my answers given in the interview and isn’t worried about me being such a problem that needs jailing. Well, that’s all well and good, but how much am I gonna be forced to pay the courts monthly? And worse of all, how much do I have to be totally degraded into paying the freeloaders directly?

Tom says to try not to let the possibility of jail get to me, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. On the one hand, my logic says I should never get sent to jail for this, but life’s so unfair. People do get jailed for the wrong reasons and people do go free for the wrong reasons, too. Just because I shouldn’t go to jail for this, doesn’t mean I won’t. And just because I don’t have any vibes saying I’ll have to go to jail, doesn’t mean it’s not just wishful thinking that’s blocking out any negative vibes about a pending jail sentence. No one wants to “see” or “sense” that they’re going to jail, and therefore, I may not be able to see or sense it if it is fated to be. I just want this sick bitch out of my life! How many years have I been saying that now?

I sometimes wonder if I should take the new, stricter laws and use them to my advantage and drag them through the mud right along with me. I’m white, and I don’t have letters with their fingerprints or tapes with their voices on them so I couldn’t get them arrested or brought to court, but I could put them through the hassles of questioning. All I’d have to do is insist they did whatever to me, like swear they drove by here making threats or something like that, and they’ll at least pick them up. I’d hope so, anyway! But, I don’t think I want to lower myself to their level just because I’m pissed at them, which is exactly what she and the Mexicans did; they got pissed at what I had to say about them, couldn’t handle it, and went running to the piggies. They were never scared. They were Pissed with a capital P. So pissed that they weren’t afraid to implicate themselves in doing so. They weren’t afraid to look bad or incriminate themselves to get at me.

The land looks pretty dull right now. Actually, some of it’s kind of shabby looking with those damn wheat-colored weeds with the stickers. They go away in the summer, making the land look a little better, but this place certainly needs saguaros, prickly pears, queen palms, and whatever else. We talked about planting a bougainvillea and a bird of paradise bush and letting them grow wild. We had to trim the ones we had in Phoenix, but not here!

At night, when the moonlight is out, the moonlight almost gives off the illusion of there being a light dusting of snow on the ground with the way it illuminates the sandy dirt and the light-colored weeds.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2000 Paula said she thinks she has a big butt. She said she’s got a “Mexican” butt. Well, I’ve still got quite a bubble butt of my own, and I’m definitely set for life at 115 pounds unless I either starve or quit working out. Or become deathly ill, for that matter.

I asked her if she pled guilty (to beating up that girl and slugging a cop). She said she did, cuz not pleading guilty would’ve made things worse. Yeah, they bribed her too, and gave her ultimatums. I forgot to ask her if she had to pay any court fees, but she did tell me that she was in jail for 30 days and on probation for a year. She also had community service. She worked on the highway in a chain gang when she was in jail. She worked in churches and sorting clothes at the Salvation Army. One thing I can tell you for damn sure and that’s that no law’s gonna make me work in a church full of narrow-minded, delusional fools. I also forgot to ask her if they made her see a therapist. Somehow I doubt it. Only I get made to see therapists. Only I’m crazy. Me and maybe sex abusers have to see therapists. Anyway, Paula says she’s been behaving. That’s good. She doesn’t need to get in any more trouble any more than I do.

The phone company fucked with us the other night when we were reporting to Mary to let her know how well the TV worked. It went dead, and it took several minutes before it came alive again. Cybertrails will be gone this week, then we’ll be getting a free service, but that’s not unlimited. We pay a set fee for unlimited service now, but with this service we’re going to get, it’ll be free unless we use it cuz they don’t have a local number. It’ll be like making a long-distance call. Anyway, we won’t use it for fun, just if we need to. It’ll be nice to have so that if we need to look up directions to a particular place, for example, we can. Especially since we never got any Phonebooks out here.

When I got up this morning, I turned off the AC and opened the windows for about an hour and a half. It was sooo nice. So nice to smell the outdoors, to hear nothing but peace and quiet, and to see nothing but nature. I could see nothing, as I lay on my side in bed drinking my coffee and gazing out the window, but sky, trees, shrubs, and the earth itself. No driveways, roads or pavement of any kind. No people, houses, cars, balls bouncing, barking, screaming, sirens, music, etc.

The possibility of having to go to jail was eating at me last night, and Tom said to try not to let it worry me, and that Don’s not calling me back right away is a good sign. It is? I didn’t think to ask him why, so I’ll ask him when he gets in. I just thank God they didn’t go after him for this shit. Better for it to me that has to deal with this shit if one of us must do so, cuz I’ve already got a record and he doesn’t. Also, if worse came to worse in this very unfair world and one of us had to go to jail, better for it to be me. He can get by without me, but out here in the boonies, I’d be completely stranded.

He hasn’t decided yet on exactly when to take time off. That’s gonna depend on what goes on with Mary, I guess, to whom I gave the second probation department envelope. I figured now was a better time to ask her for that character reference, even if it did me no good in the end. Anyway, I have mixed emotions about his basing his time off on what goes on in Mary’s household rather than in his own. I want him to take time off for us, the people that live here, and not so he can cater to Mom and Mary, but on the other hand, we owe them. Sort of anyway. They’ve done so much for us, I’d love to have Mom visit, and besides, what else could we do being this broke? It’s not like we could spend his vacation time, which can be anytime before the year is out, shopping, gambling or flying to Vegas. He says his Mom would feel better staying here if he were here so she doesn’t have to worry if she falls or anything like that. I don’t know. He says she wouldn’t be bringing it up if she weren’t serious, but I still get the feeling that she wouldn’t feel comfortable staying here, whether or not he’s on vacation. I know she doesn’t hate me, or else she wouldn’t have given me material and other things, but I get the feeling she might feel uncomfortable around me. You know how a lot of people feel that way with hyper, outspoken people like myself.

Later…

As I remember bits and pieces of our chat, another “discrepancy” comes to mind. Paula said she thought my computer or printer must’ve broken for me to be sending some hand-written letters, yet if she had really read my letters, she’d know the real reason for the hand-written letters. I think she does read them. I think she’s just so damn air-headed, that she can’t remember half the things she reads/hears/sees.

She got contradictory on me in regard to the bad vibes I had about Justin. First she said it wasn’t going to happen cuz she told him about it, then she admitted to his getting in trouble in school, then said that whatever happens, happens.

Either way, it’s too late for him. She’s already damaged him and planted the vicious seed that’s destined to be as God shall see fit. His fate is sealed.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2000 Well, I did get a little surprise, after all. I expected Tom to be OK with my wanting to put a hold on sex, but nope. He objects, he said, unless I absolutely insist on waiting. But why? If all he wants to do is get hard, I can see to that by hand. Maybe he objected cuz he knows I don’t want to do it. He does, after all, seem more driven by the things that I’m not interested in, or that turn me off altogether. So, I guess some Sundays, for the rest of my life, are going to be very boring and very predictable. Yes, we certainly have much more fun out of bed than in it. That’s my opinion, anyway. At least he has a good time in bed. In fact, so good of a time that he’s willing to sacrifice any pleasure with me just to keep his stubborn attitude and to bore me to death. Sometimes I wonder – should I start expressing pleasure in bed? Will that make him want to veer the opposite way; if he thinks I like things the way they are? Then again, what opposite way can we go? He doesn’t like having sex during the week and is usually too tired to do so, we can’t do many different positions, and the guy’s old-fashioned and unimaginative. He’s also afraid to cum and shouldn’t be made to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable doing. Like I said, I know we’ll never have a kid and that’s not the issue anymore, whether I’m sterile or not. The issue is the lack of honesty on his part. His failure to face and admit his fears is the issue. After hoping for so many years that he’d one day come out and say – You were right. I was afraid to cum regularly cuz I was afraid of a kid. I just didn’t want the expense and hassle. I’m sorry I wasn’t upfront from the beginning. Especially with how badly you once wanted one. However, with each year that passes with no change whatsoever, and with a confession from him, I realize it’s never going to come. Thirty years from now he’ll still be saying it was out of his hands, but that he did want a kid (even though he happened to never do anything to achieve that), and that he didn’t control me.

Well, in the end, we don’t have to have a kid. I’m fine without that. I may wonder about it from time to time since it’s an experience I’ll never have, but we don’t have to have a kid and he doesn’t have to cum, even if it’d make me feel like cumming too, and turn me on more to know I pleased him and that he is without fear. I just think it’s rather sad that I’ll never hear the full truth from his mouth, but only from his actions.

No, I don’t bother praying to God for help. In fact, I haven’t prayed to him for years now. That’s because I know he doesn’t give a damn and that there’s no help from him. He obviously wants things to be the way they are as much as Tom does or else he wouldn’t have let this shit go on for 7 years. He’d have done something to give Tom the strength and motivation to change, or to at least own up to the truth. Or maybe he wouldn’t have let Tom be the way he is in the first place. Remember, it was me that made him the way he is. He was never cumless with anyone else. I’m the one who brought the sexual curse into this relationship, even if he’s the one with the fears. Not that I never had my own fears about a kid. It’s just that I wouldn’t have let them stand in my way if I had had some say in the matter. I’m not alone as far as him being afraid to have a kid for various reasons. Most women deal with resistant boyfriends/husbands when it comes to that. The difference is that their men still cum, so sometimes they can get tricked into parenthood by the woman who may insist she took her birth control when she really didn’t. Well, this one’s so scared I couldn’t trick him if I wanted to. He keeps his equipment under strict lock and key and would never dare take chances with it. I still can’t figure out why he did take those chances the dozen or so times he did. What gave him the burst of courage to do so? What made him so daring and brave back then? We had even more shit going on than we do now, believe it or not, and we weren’t much richer.

I don’t pray to God for anything at all. If someone busted in here and held me at gunpoint, God’s the last one I’d be pleading with for mercy. For I would know that if God wanted me unharmed, he would never have sent someone to hold me at gunpoint in the first place.

I thought of another thing that Paula said that has me confused. She acted all surprised that I had to spend the night in jail. Well, if she read my letters, wouldn’t she remember and know that I spent the night in jail? Could any of my letters have gotten lost?

Later…

Tom’s home now. I had him get new scent cartridges. Instead of that way-too-strong and perfumey flowery oil, I had him get vanilla. Vanilla, Country Garden, and strawberry are the best. I took the oil out of its warmer and placed it in the closet. I only have the cartridges in my office and the bedroom. Just in rooms that are “real” rooms. I don’t have anything going in the open part except for the air cleaner.

It may only be the 4th, but I wonder, should I call Don if he doesn’t call me by the 30th?

Somehow I doubt I’ll get that lucky. He’ll call. I’m sure he’ll call. Like I said, something up there really wants me to pay for this. For a lousy letter and phone call. How can people harass their neighbors for years and not expect there to be some kind of consequence? And just what is something up there doing to them for what they did wrong to us?

Nothing. Nothing at all. How stupid of me to even ask, huh? I could be murdered and my murderer would never see justice done to them. They’d probably never get caught, but if they did, they’d get off on some stupid technicality, or they wouldn’t do much time. It’s OK to wrong Jodi S. It’s very OK. God made that clear to me just by the parents he had me born to.

Anyway, no I won’t call Don. I called him and he said he’d call me back, so it wouldn’t be my fault if he didn’t, but like I said, he’ll be calling.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2000 There are a lot of things that Tom’s better at than I am, but making pancakes isn’t one of them. He trashed the kitchen making the damn things. But I, who can’t keep her paws off the stuff he buys that I don’t put on the list, and that’s usually not very healthy, make them without making such a mess. I cook them well too, and make them all about the same size.

I’m psyched to say that I finally heard from Paula! Tom brought a letter home from her yesterday, which had her new phone number in it. This was the longest letter she ever wrote, too. Her grammar is not great, but she spells pretty well. I dig how she started off: Dear Jodi – best friend.

She’s been in the same apartment in Chicopee for a record-breaking year and says she’s still waiting for Section 8 or some kind of housing.

I was right about suspecting she lost my number, but I gave it to her when we talked. She asked me once again to try to find a couple of guys online, but I let her know we were ditching the Internet.

I was surprised when she asked - how did you get in all that mess? What happened? What charges did you get? I was like – aren’t you reading my mail? She said she got confused by all the abbreviations I use in her letters, so I let her know I wouldn’t use initials and abbreviations anymore.

She contradicted herself a handful of times. Not intentionally or cuz she just doesn’t care what she tells people which is the case with most people, but just because this is the way Paula is – unable to focus. She said on the phone that she just started a computer training course, yet in her letter, she said she wasn’t going for that till November. She also said there’s no man in her life now. Just that black cop John. Yeah, and I haven’t eaten anything today. Just a sandwich, some soup, some pancakes, and popcorn!

She said she got a computer, but no Internet or printer. Soon she’ll send pictures.

Any CDs I don’t want, send to her. Also, she’ll send me some money to make her tapes of rap music. I told her not to bother sending money and that I’d make her tapes off the satellite. They have a rap channel. I made a tape up already and will send one at a time. That way I can use regular envelopes. She said she likes soul music too, but there’s no soul station. She said she has 5 dolls sitting in her closet. I let her know I’d gladly give them a home if it’d be OK with her.

She said her friend is in prison for 3 years. He’s in for drugs.

She asked how my diet is going and says hers is going well. Then why is she up to 170? The last time we talked, she said she was around 150.

On November 14th she’ll be having surgery for stomach adhesions.

I also talked to her son Justin who’s now 9 years old. We mostly talked about his coin collection. He asked me to send pictures of tarantulas and diamondbacks, and I assured him I would as soon as I could get shots of them. I enclosed his own letter, along with one for Paula, in the envelope containing the first rap tape.

Later…

Tom’s home now, eating the chili mac I made him before he got in.

I had begun typing him a note before he got in, letting him know that I don’t want to screw till after the 30th due to the doubled predictability involved. It’s predictable enough to know he wouldn’t cum (which puts a damper on my cumming) even if we were rich and had nothing going on, but another to really know it with all we have going on, cuz sterile or not, we have to take responsibility and make sure that he doesn’t cum, like it or not, as long as we don’t know if I’m going to jail, and as long as we’re broke and don’t know what’s going on with Mary. I don’t like the 2-minute quickies with all its limitations and restrictions. I want to wait until we can let our guards down and not have to be so cautious. After we take care of Mom, Mary, the courts, and get a little more stable financially, then we can screw, unless he insists we keep up on it anyway. I told him, If I don’t hear any protests from you, I’ll assume you’re OK with this plan, and remember, I can get you just as hard by hand as I can with my crotch, so if that’s all you need anyway, then feel free to ask me for handjobs along the way. For a while, I was comfortable with our routine, but for now, I can’t screw when each session feels so planned, mapped out and predictable. I need a little more spontaneity, surprise and variety.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2000 Took some gorgeous sunrise pictures the other day. The sun was so reddish that it looked more like a sunset. It’s so cool how you can actually see the sun rising up over the horizon, unlike back east. It’s just not flat enough back east.

Anyway, I have a zillion things to catch up on. First of all, we got the big-screen TV, and I ordered a mural!! I never would’ve gotten the mural if Tom hadn’t accidentally gotten credit from Lowe’s Hardware. Let me go in order of events…

First of all, we’re both doubting Dan’s here. When Tom was coming home one day he saw the people a couple of properties ahead of Dan’s, that you can’t see from this house cuz of too much vegetation in the way (you could easily see 4 or 5 properties in Phoenix!), pull out in front of him, then turn into Dan’s. Well, as I’ve been saying, it’s been awfully quiet over there, not to mention the gate being open funny and the strange lighting patterns. Dan never leaves outside lights on overnight. He also guns his engines much more often, for more than a minute at a time, and he blasts music, too.

On the other hand, the people could’ve been going just to visit. Remember, these properties are huge. No one walks from property to property here. Even next door drove over here when they came to ask us about those stray dogs. I also thought I saw him in his standard white T and cap, but couldn’t swear to it cuz the person was so far away; around 500’ away.

Saturday morning we headed for Lowe’s first and got held up by creepers both ways. I just don’t get why the fuck everyone’s so afraid to drive the speed limit out here. We just can’t go anywhere without some creep holding us up! Anyway, I was really surprised Lowe’s had murals. I didn’t think they would. They didn’t have the water lamp.

Tom picked up some hooks for his pegboard, a blank faceplate for where the satellite connection used to be, and I picked out a decorative faceplate for the kitchen light switch. It’s a soft pastel-colored tulip design with pink, blue and yellow. After Tom dragged me around the store for what seemed like an eternity, we finally found the wallpaper section. The one I picked out is what I figured I pick – something tropical. A palm-treed beach scene. The only negative is that it’s close to 6’ wide and not 8’, so once it’s centered on the wall it’s going on, there’ll be a foot-and-a-half gap on either side. It’s 6’4” wide and 8’ tall. I’m going to have it come down from the ceiling. There’ll probably be about 2’ of space under it. We didn’t want it delivered to the house since people have such a hard time finding the place, so we’ll pick it up at Lowe’s in a couple of weeks. We got an awesome deal on the thing, too. I expected it’d cost around $80, but instead it was on sale for $45. Tom applied for a credit card with them, expecting to get rejected and expecting to get a watch they offer for applying, but to his surprise, he got accepted.

Later…

Although I still have a lot to write about, I took a break so I could get my workout out of the way, and watch a movie on the big TV. I also saw part of an old rerun of Little House on the Prairie, and was like – wow!

After we left Lowe’s, we went to Mary and Dave’s. We weren’t there long. We said hello to Mom, grabbed a soda to share, a cookie for me, and then loaded up the TV and file cabinet. Once we got home, Tom pulled the stairs away so that Dave could back the truck right up to the door. That made bringing in the TV much easier.

I wasn’t happy to find that while we were out, Jehovah’s Witnesses had stopped by. You mean to tell me that out here, where people live on 10-acre ranches, religious fanatics badger people? Great. All the more reason to appreciate the exterior fence with the no-trespassing signs it’ll have once we get them up in God knows how many years. I want it to be a real bitch for anyone to come to the door. I want them to have to get out of their car and then to have to climb over a barbed-wire fence if they want to come to these doors that bad.

Anyway, Mary and Dave didn’t stay long. I showed them my office since Tom and I swapped desks, gave them cans of soda for the road, then off they went.

So, we’ve gone from a 19” TV to a 25” TV and now to a 46” TV! I can’t believe someone just gave us this TV, and that Lowe’s had murals! We are going to be so compensated for this! I tremble just thinking about it! No one gives us something for nothing in God’s eyes, not that we’ve never given them anything or that Tom hasn’t done anything for them. Still, what’s acceptable for others isn’t always acceptable for us. Meaning that it may be OK in God’s eyes for some people to do 50% for someone who’s done them 100%, but we’re expected to do 150% for those who do us 100%.

The TV screen doesn’t feel like glass like regular TVs do, cuz it’s literally a TV screen. It’s a type of vinyl material with tiny grooves that the picture projects onto. If you get too far toward the sides of it, the picture gets darker and harder to see.

Anyway, it’s awesome, and so is its sound. It sounds almost as good as the speakers that we always had hooked to our other TVs, so when I want to play the 70s and 80s music stations, I get great sound. This is the kind of TV apartment tenants would love to have to sic on other tenants. Especially in a culture that believes music is something to be shared. People in houses would love it, too. Primarily where the houses were just a few feet apart. You can really open the windows and let the sound out!

It was so nice to finally go out together someplace other than to courts, dentists, therapists and shit like that. It was so nice to go out simply to have fun and get something fun for us.

So, going from room to room, I still have the blue card table and the walker stored in the retreat, along with a big stuffed animal, and a couple of other little odds and ends. All I have on those walls are a couple of small cactus pictures I printed/framed. The small shelves that were in my office holding my box, one of the stereo speakers, and a doll or two, are now in the bedroom by his side of the bed. It’s got dolls and books on it for the most part. As for wall changes in there, I took down the Indian picture that was by my side of the bed and centered it over my desk in the office. It looks great there. Its brown frame goes well with the brown desk. I only have 5 things in the bedroom, and boy does it look great in there. I have the pastel ballerina picture on his side of the bed over the shelves and another cute pastel picture of a little girl and boy on a beach on my side of the bed. They go well together. Over the bed is a long picture of cute puppies and flowers. Towards the front of the room, closer to the dresser than the bed, I have a brown shelf on the wall outside the closet, and a fancy mask opposite that by the bathroom door.

In the living room, just inside the front door to the right, is that large picture of a field of purple flowers with mountains in the background. To the left of the door and to the left of the windows, is that picture I printed out of bunnies. This is also where we put the 25” TV (I guess the 19” will go in his office). To the right of the windows is a contemporary drawing of a woman’s face, then I put my 3 black plastic musical notes on the wall behind the mice, each one higher than the other, following the rising slant of the ceiling. The mural is going to go straight across from the front door where the rats are, and to go with it, I put a long tropical picture on the wall to the right of it. The musical notes used to be to the right of the back door, but now there’s a mirror there. I took down the piano picture that was to the left of this door and put up a tiger picture (the piano picture not only broke out of its frame, but it isn’t even wrapped in plastic like my other frameless pictures are). The tigers had been in the den where the big TV is now. Because it’s nearly as tall as I am, I don’t have anything in the center there behind it, but to the left of the TV, to balance off with our wedding picture to the right, I put a cactus picture up. The loveseat is now where the entertainment center used to be, and this is where that long tropical picture was. I put my pink floral tree next to the loveseat, and my blue-feathered dream catcher above the loveseat. The couch, chair and tables have remained where they were. Nothing to change in the guest room either, but my office is where the entertainment center now is. It looks better than I thought it would, and black goes better with the brown than the whitewash. We basically have brown in the guest room, brown and black in my office, black with gold accents in the den and dining area, whitewash in the kitchen, baths and bedroom, and nothing in particular in the retreat, living room and his office. Well, perhaps you could say the living room’s brown and black. The mice’s tables and the TV stand are brown, and the Bowflex is black. So are the bars of the rat’s cage.

Some rooms have taken on themes. Dolls are the definite theme of my office and the bedroom, and flowers are the main theme in the kitchen and den. The rest of the rooms have a mix of things. As I teasingly told Tom, the theme in his office is junk! Although, he’s been surprisingly low on the clutter in there lately.

Later…

I took a piece of material that I don’t plan to use and put it in the corner behind the rat’s cage. Houdini loves to play in the pile of material, and he loves to play with me too, when I shake it around. I slip my hand under it and wiggle the material around and he dives into it like a puppy. He dives under its folds and I poke at him and he tries to get me through the material. It’s so cute. It’s so cool having animals that play with you besides with each other and by themselves. Just like yesterday when he was waiting for me at the side of the cage when I got up. However, unlike yesterday, he came out on his own to play shortly after I got up. He doesn’t usually come out on weekends when Tom’s home all the time. I have to sort of coax him out when he’s home and not in bed.

I decided to make my wake-up time 7:00 for a while. That way I’ll be more available to play freeloader and deal with courts and probation officers when I’m forced to.

Yesterday morning we bombed. We weren’t going to bomb for another month but we found a good deal on bombs at Lowe’s so we decided to go ahead and do it. With this one, we only needed to be out for two hours. We went to Circle K. As always, cleaning up afterward was a bitch. I had to square away the animals, run many loads through the dishwasher, then do the laundry and wipe down countertops.

We ended up screwing yesterday for the first time in what? A month? I asked him why now, and he said it had to do with Mary. Because he’s in a situation he’s never been in before, he had to sit and sort through his thoughts/feelings in his mind and ask himself what his responsibilities should be. I think his just being there for them and doing what he can possibly do to help is taking enough responsibility. Meanwhile, Mary and Dave aren’t his “responsibility,” so to speak. Nonetheless, this is all well and good, and I understand how depressed and worried he is over Mary, but there’s always something eating at him, preventing us from getting together, making sure we have little bursts of sex, and confusing the hell out of me. Just when I think we’re settling into a platonic relationship, he decides he misses me, as he put it. Again, I understand this thing with Mary, but I also feel that he’s using life’s BS, whether it’s a new problem or not, as an excuse. It’s a tool he uses to avoid regular sex. But I don’t want regular sex. We don’t have to screw every week, but when more than two weeks go by, I don’t know what to think.

Anyway, this discussion led to our 7-year argument over a kid. He still swears that he’s not controlling me from having a kid. No, that’s God’s department. But a guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is just as controlling. A guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is afraid of her conceiving and is making sure that that doesn’t happen, whether she wants a kid or not. I could’ve kicked myself for letting the argument start, though. What did I think it was going to change? He’ll never give me normal, satisfying, fulfilling sex, sterile or not. He’s been the way he is for 7 years, and he’ll be the way he is for another 7, and another 7, and another 7…

Sex still hurts. I’m 100% sure this pain is a permanent thing that’ll never go away. Why has God always been so damn determined to curse me sexually? First I’m humiliated with freaky sex, and now it has to hurt, too?!

Tom’s been asking himself questions like, what if Mary’s treatment turns out to be a big deal and her cancer keeps reoccurring? What if she dies? I asked him, wouldn’t his Mom come to live with us if she died? He said not if I didn’t think I could handle it. I asked him if he thought I could handle it and he said yes. Because his actions have made me believe he doesn’t think I could handle a kid, and because God’s actions and plans for me certainly made me believe I couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of anyone, young or old, I lost faith in myself. So, later on I asked myself to set aside what God’s obvious opinion is of my abilities and what Tom says he thinks, and ask myself – do I think I can handle caring for his mother?

Yes. But only because I can now keep a schedule. If I still couldn’t keep a schedule, I’d have to say no.

Mary’s attitude about what’s going on with her never ceases to amaze me. She’s taking it so well! I can’t observe her 24/7, but she sure seems to be handling it a lot better than I ever could. I’d be pissed and scared, running around muttering – why me, why me? Maybe that’s why I haven’t had any health problems lately; because God only gives us what we can handle. Well, some of us, anyway. On the other hand, I could barely handle that vicious cycle of asthma attacks. I even contemplated suicide cuz it was so bad. When you can’t breathe, you tend to feel and think that way. I wonder how many times my health will compensate for itself. Meaning, this being healthy like I have been is no doubt compensation for the shitty health I was in from the late 80s to the early 90s, but will I get hit with problems later on down the road for this time of healthfulness?

[tera-91]

Mid-April thoughts

I didn’t mean to take a pause in posting. My thoughts have been a jumble lately.

My pup will need to have surgery so ive been working extra hours so that I can work less during the healing process. It sucks but I would rather go through with it now than the little cuddle bug be in discomfort. Poor thing has had some rough luck in the knee genetics department.

I have also been contemplating a job change but I would have to go to school for it. So Ive been dealing with checking out everything that I need to do for that. I think if I can be patient, which for me is kind of difficult, it would be a really good thing cuz I could potentially basically make in a day what I currently do in a week. It would definitely make things easier for me. But I wont be able to complete it for a few years. So I don’t know exactly what to do with my time between now and when I would be able to start taking courses.

Another jumbled thought I have is should I take advantage of the down time to try to pursue some side quests to make a little extra here and there to build it up so that I can quit my job while I go through school. I will have to be a three quarter to full time student while doing it so working and school might be a little bit of a juggling act. Also as bad as it might sound, I would rather do side quests than my actual job. I know that for most jobs dealing with people can be completely unavoided and there are jobs where it can be which would be a plus but I just get drained both mentally and physically dealing with people.

Other things have been good though.

I think I have figured out a way around some issues I was having with my videos. I just need to be able to spend some time to edit those so that I can post them. I have a pretty decent bank of them so I can spend time with my fluff ball to make sure healing goes well.

Writing I think is going good but also having a bit of a block. While I know I said I was probably going to take a break on sanders side stories, I somehow have 3 I’ve been working on. Maybe because I feel like I resonate with Virgil so its easier to write something with him verses starting something else. I can get anywhere from 300-500 words before my brain just halts and I cant figure out where to take it. I have an idea of the beginning but the further into it the murkier it gets and I don’t know where I want to take it. Part of me wants to go a fluff route but also writing is a bit of an emotional outlet for me. So part of me wants to just follow whatever emotion I have going at the time. Whether it be anger, frustration, etc but when I take a step back to review and edit I have hesitations. I know angst is a category and an option to post but at the same time I want what I create to be an escape for someone. Would that be helpful to others to read that or could it not be.

I guess anything could be helpful to anyone. Just a little bit of internal struggle. Maybe that is what is causing the block. Also I think I have a slight hesitation to post anything short after posting 2000-3000+ stories in the past. Even my word salads have been decently long. Also I get easily distracted or something just takes longer than I think it should and I get discouraged.

I hope everyone is having a good April. The weather is finally warming up but I think it has gone a bit too far. Gone from cold straight to HOT. I was hoping to have a little more slightly warm days so that way I could spend some time hanging outside and get back into painting. Or even just to enjoy nature for more than 15, maybe 20 minutes if Im lucky before it gets too hot out there. After I post this I might go try to enjoy as much time I can tolerate in the heat. I got some good nature photos the last time I went outside with my camera. Sometimes I contemplate if I should post them on here or maybe make an Instagram account and post them on there.

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

These Fanfics of Shin and Carla of nice and all...but we want the story on how Carla Tsukinami stoke your ham sandwich! The greedy bast*rd he is...

Anon, this is one of my favourite asks ever and I love you. Thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to shamelessly insert myself into the world of DL I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it :)

I wrote myself as a nameless herione (because I don’t think most of you know my name) which also means you can treat it as a reader insert if you want to, but bare in mind this is based on how I would react in this situation and there are some details that are a bit specific to me.

“Hm, I wonder if I’m allowed up here?” The girl glanced back at the door to the rooftop of Ryoutei Academy, trying to spot any sort of kanji that could translate to “Keep Out” but found none. Shrugging to herself she concluded that if anyone caught her up here when she wasn’t supposed to be, then she would have to play the confused foreign student card and hope for the best.

A mild scolding seemed better than going back to the cafeteria anyway.

She looked down at the slightly sorry looking lunchbox in her hands and loosed a sigh. It was only her second day at her new school and already she felt herself desperately missing her friends and the familiarity of her old school. 

The other students had all been pleasant enough- aside from the boy with glasses in her class, who she’d caught eyeing the hemline of her skirt with obvious disapproval, as though it was somehow her fault that whoever made the school uniform had not done so with five foot nine female transfer students in mind- but the thought of trying to navigate getting food when almost all of the signs were in kanji she didn’t recognize made her gut roll with anxiety.

Besides at least the rooftop was pretty, with troughs of well kept roses lining the space and a perfect view of Kaminashi town, just beyond the iron railing, the lights from the small shopping district a warm glow against the midnight blue sky.

The girl walked over to the edge of the rooftop, intent on giving herself a moment to admire the townscape when a nearby rose caught her eye. It’s petals were such a dark red, they looked almost black in the modest illumination provided by the few lights lining the roof. She crouched down on the balls of her feet and set her lunchbox carefully to the side. Something about the scene, the dark flower with the night sky behind it, made her fingers itch with the urge to sketch it. 

“I don’t think I could do the dark colors justice with my watercolors and I can’t do realism with markers so maybe colored pencils would be best?” She muttered to herself she tried to find the perfect angle for some reference photos she could use later, while reaching into her pocket for her phone. “Acrylics could work I guess but I don’t have any canvas here and I-”

“What are you doing?” A low voice came from right beside her ear. The girl let out a high-pitched shriek and jolted in surprise, barely catching her balance in time.

She loosed a breath before turning her head in the direction of whoever had spoken, but before she could, they spoke again.

“Hahh, that’s no good… Hmph!” A rough shove sent her sprawling into the roses. Thorns scratched at her skin and she cursed as her hands plunged in the damp mulch, just barely stopping her from face-planting into the dirt. The rest of her however, was not so lucky, and she knew from the way her torso had landed in the soil that her skirt’s hemline had just become the least of her worries as far as her uniform was concerned.

A cruel laugh came from behind her and she turned to look up, filled with some mixture of anger and embarrassment. 

But whatever had been brewing petered out the moment she laid eyes on the culprit. He was quite possibly the most beautiful boy she’d ever seen; short choppy, strawberry blonde hair framed pale face with an eye the most incredible shade of gold. 

He was utterly stunning.

The effect was promptly ruined however, when he opened his mouth, face twisting into a sneer.

“Haha, how pathetic, crawling around in the dirt.” He continued to chuckle as she pushed herself up onto her hands and knees, wincing slightly at the way they stung where they’d scraped against the ground. 

“Heehhh, aren’t you going to say something?” The boy asked, the humor in his expression dying down as he regarded her as one might a spot of mould on a piece of bread. “Or is it that you’re so stupid, you can’t understand what I’m saying?”

The girl froze slightly, unsure how to navigate whatever was going on. Was this guy a bully? Her strategy for dealing with bullies until now had generally been to avoid them or ignore them, neither of which seemed like a good idea here.

“Oiii Miss idiot, are you going to keep ignoring me until I do something like this?” Before she could react the boy placed a heavy black boot on her hand and started to put his weight onto it.

Shit.

“What do you want from me?” She blurted out, praying silently that she hadn’t messed up the Japanese grammar, which really shouldn’t have been a concern given this encounter could feasibly end with a broken hand.

The pressure stopped briefly and she took the chance to tug her hand out from her under his shoe and get to her feet. The girl was a little surprised to find that the boy was no taller than she was, although his general aura of menace certainly made him intimidating enough without needing any extra height. 

“Ah, so you can talk. As for what I want… why don’t we start with an apology for shrieking in my ear earlier? It hurt you know?” He made a show of obnoxiously cleaning out his ear with his finger and the girl found herself completely lost for words. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, there were a lot of words swirling in her brain, all of them English and not to be used amongst polite company.

Biting back the urge to tell him to fuck off, she reminded herself that she was currently alone with this guy on a rooftop and angering him further probably would not end well. “I apologize for shouting in your ear, you surprised me. I’ll be going now.” Lunch forgotten, she went to make a hasty retreat to the rooftop door but was stopped short when the male put himself directly into her path. 

“Not so fast, you haven’t answered my question yet. What were you doing up here, sticking your head into the roses like some kind of animal?” The girl tried to keep her breathing even, as she felt panic rise in her veins.

“I wanted to take pictures as drawing references, I didn’t realize that-” an arsehole like you would show up “-someone else was already here, forgive me, I’ll be on my way.” She went to take a step around him, when the boy took a step towards her, forcing her to take one back. Soon her back was pressed up against the railing and she internally cursed.

“You just wanted to draw some pictures of the flowers? Isn’t that a bit childish? Well, I guess you still wear kid’s underwear so I shouldn’t be surprised.” The girl spluttered and instinctively went to yank down her skirt, a slightly ridiculous action, considering he must have seen everything when he pushed her earlier. 

“That-that doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she said, eyes on the ground as her face burned with shame. “Please, just let me leave.”

“You know, you still sound pretty demanding for someone who’s shaking and is covered in mud. Also,” he paused, sniffing the air briefly before glancing down at her knees, “ah I wondered where that awful scent was coming from, geez human blood really isn’t appealing at all.” The girl looked at her legs and caught sight of red liquid staining her knees, but that wasn’t what made her pause.

“Human blood? What are you-” A cold dread spread through her as she looked back up at the boy and the inhuman color of his iris. This had to be some sort of awful prank right?

“Oh, maybe I spoke too much, but that reaction isn’t bad, haha. Hey, what do you think I am?” He asked her, opening his mouth just wide enough to reveal a pair of gleaming white fangs.

“That’s… There’s no way… You can’t…” The girl struggled to process the image in front of her, trying to find some sensible sounding explanation. He had to be a nutjob with fake fangs right? A nutjob who liked to terrorize girls on rooftops and happened to go to a night school.

“Ah how boring. Shouldn’t most girls be crying with fear by now? I don’t want to but, would you react a bit more if I pierced you with these fangs?” He lowered his face and panic surged through her. Lunatic or something else, she had no intention of being bitten by him. The girl went to shove him away from her, but before she could blink he had her arms pinned above her head.

“It seems you still haven’t learned that I’m not the sort of person you should fight back against. Hey, how much would it take to make you cry?” His grip on her wrists tightened and she winced at the strength in his grip. “Your wrists are pretty thin, I’d barely have to use any of my strength to snap your bones.”

“Please stop!” She begged, as she silently prayed for someone, anyone to intervene.

“Oi Shin, what are you doing?” An incredibly deep voice came from the entrance to the rooftop and the girl said a silent word of thanks.

“Huh,” Shin looked over his shoulder, allowing the girl a glance at her savior. He was tall, with long white hair, that appeared dyed pink at the tips. A dark scarf covered the lower half of his face, while above it were a pair of piercing golden eyes. 

A shudder ran down her spine as her gaze locked with his for a moment, suddenly feeling a lot less safe than she had just a moment ago.

“Ah brother, I was just having a bit of fun.” The girl wasn’t sure which part of this statement horrified her more. That her so called savoir was actually related to the demonic pile of steaming garbage in front of her or that this was Shin’s version of fun. 

“That’s enough, we have matters to discuss.” The man walked over from the door to the roof, his footsteps stopping just behind Shin.

“Tch,” Shin let go of her arms, only to grip hold of her chin, moving his face uncomfortably close to hers. “Hey, if you tell anyone about what happened here, I’ll rip your tongue out, got it?” His fangs caught the light as he spoke, and the girl felt very close to tears as she muttered a soft yes. 

Shin flashed her that nasty smile of his before letting go. “Well then, get out of here!” 

Needing no further prompting, she hastily got away from him, pausing only to grab her school bag. As she did so, she caught sight of her lunchbox in the older boys hands and faltered. 

“Go!” Shin yelled and the girl concluded that the ham sandwich and peanut butter flavored chocolate bar contained in the hundred yen tupperware were not worth her life as she borderline ran to the rooftop door, slamming it shut behind her. 

***

Carla watched the girl flee from the rooftop with a dispassionate expression. 

“What exactly did you do?” He asked, more concerned with trying to keep their low profile as they furthered their objective than anything else.

“Nothing much, I just toyed with her a bit. She’s only a human so it doesn’t really matter does it? More importantly, why did you keep hold of that?” Shin nodded towards the plastic container in Carla’s hands. 

Carla said nothing as he opened up the box and pulled out a modest sandwich wrapped neatly in clingfilm. Removing some of the wrap, he sniffed it briefly before muttering.

“I thought so.”

Shin took a deep breath through his nose. “Ah, I see, a dry cured ham sandwich huh?”

“Normally I would never eat something prepared by human hands but to take away the taste of that polluted blood, it can’t be helped.” Carla lowered his scarf and took a bite of the sandwich, chewing a few times as he deemed it to be palatable before swallowing. “Oi Shin, take this.” He threw a plastic wrapped bar at his brother and Shin caught it without effort.

He turned it over in his hands before spotting the reason why his brother had given it to him. “Peanut butter huh? Well at least it seems that girl’s good for something.”

[carmybears]

Permanent Feelings

I'm back on Tumblr and writing fanfic for the first time in years because of carmy mf berzatto. Could be garbage, y'all tell me.

pairing: carmy berzatto X female!reader

summary: soft smut with carmy and he starts to realize the gravity of his feelings for you.

word count: 2k

By the time Carmy staggered into the apartment after work, he thought for sure that you’d already be asleep. Imagine his surprise when the door opened to your cozy 1 bedroom and he found you, sprawled out on your couch, glass of wine in hand as you tipped your head back and laughed heartily alongside your best friend. On the TV screen, he recognized some early-2000’s romcom, and on the couch he spotted a giant bowl of popcorn nestled between your two pairs of legs in a nest of fuzzy fleece blankets.

“Carmy, baby,” Your eyes lit up as you spotted him, your face beaming at him. “C’mere!”

You flung an arm out to him as he dropped his backpack and shrugged his coat off, hanging both at the hook by the door.

“Don’t let me interrupt your night,” he mumbled as he approached you, dropping a kiss onto the crown of your head as you wrapped an arm around his lower back.

“No, no,” you insisted. “I was just starting to wonder where you were. Long night at the restaurant?”

He hummed lowly as he nodded his head.

You squeezed his hand, “M’sorry baby. Did you eat? There’s leftover Thai in the fridge.”

He nodded a quick greeting to your friend, then wandered over to the fridge, opening it to see that there were not only leftovers, but that you’d purchased him his own full portion of his usual favorite Thai curry from your usual spot around the corner. Something about it made his chest feel tight and warmth bloomed around his heart at the thought of you thinking about him and his needs, even while having an evening of fun for yourself.

He set to work heating up his food as you paused your movie and wandered into the room. The microwave beeped as your best friend topped off your glasses of wine and began making small talk with him.

How’s life at the restaurant? That new menu coming along ok?

Hey, did you get that promotion you were up for a couple of weeks ago? It sounded like you had it in the bag?

 As they chatted, he thought of the first time he had met her; your relationship was still fairly new but you insisted that she was the most important person in the city to you, so god help him, he needed to take one night off at the restaurant to come out and meet the two of you for dinner. When he’d arrived for dinner, a part of him had wished that he could just skip straight to meeting your parents instead because he was in no way prepared to be so immediately sized up and interrogated before appetizers had arrived. Apparently, he had passed whatever test she had for him though, because all of his subsequent meetings with her had gone well as they slowly but surely warmed up to each other. She was protective of you, and at the end of the day, he had to respect it – after all, he felt a similar amount of protectiveness over you himself.

“Ok ladies, much as I’d love to keep talking, I’ve gotta be in early tomorrow to help Marcus with these new pastries he’s been working on,” he announced, standing with his plate in hand and rinsing it off in the sink.

You placed a hand on his bicep and kissed his cheek softly. “Ok baby, we won’t be much longer. This movie will be over before you’re even asleep.”

He dismissed himself down the hall to the bathroom beside your bedroom, turning the shower on at full blast just moments after hearing you switch the TV back on. He showered and readied himself for bed quickly before slipping into your room, dressed in a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt, soft and faded from years of wear.

As he sat on the bed, he took a deep breath and looked around the room. It never failed to astound him how different your lives were sometimes, especially when comparing apartments. Whereas his own apartment was scarcely furnished –merely a place to land between shifts at the restaurant – your apartment was bursting with signs of life. A vining philodendron hung in a planter in the window, books were stacked in an ever-revolving pile of cracked spines and dog-eared pages on your bedside table, and recently, a framed photo of the two of you had appeared on the dresser beside your jewelry box; you both had your arms flung around each other and your mouth was open in laughter while he looked not at the camera but at you. Everywhere he looked, there were signs that you were settled into your life, that your existence here was permanent. And, the more he thought about it, the more it made him feel permanent about you too.

~

You had been right that your movie would be over before Carmy was even asleep. Although, in all fairness, he had never been the type to fall asleep easily.

The faint hum of the TV out the living room turned off, and he heard the low murmur of voices in the kitchen as you did the washing up. Eventually, there was the faint click of the front door opening and closing, followed by the soft thud of the lock in the deadbolt. He must have dozed off at some point when he heard the water running in the shower of your bathroom, because he didn’t wake up until he felt the weight of you settling into bed beside him.

Groggily, he tried to say your name, but what came out was more of an unintelligible mumble.

You giggled softly, reaching out to stroke his arm softly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He blinked heavily as he turned over to face you and mumbled lowly. “Wasn’t asleep.”

“Hmm, sure,” you mused as you tilted your face up toward his, your lips brushing against his softly, sweetly. More sweetly than he sometimes felt like he deserved.

Feeling much more awake now, he brought a hand up to your face, his thumb tracing the swell of your cheekbone as he deepened the kiss. Your lips parted for him and he tasted you, the spearmint of your toothpaste invading his palette. In turn, you shifted your hips and tugged at his shoulder, effectively pulling him over you.

Your hands tangled in his hair, paying special attention to the still-damp curls at the nape of his neck. When he felt your nails scrape gently against his scalp, he groaned involuntarily and his lips fell away from your mouth, seeking the column of your neck while his hands slipped under your shirt, tracing patterns into your soft skin.

It wasn’t long before you were panting beneath him. With practiced ease, he rolled the bud of your nipple between this thumb and forefinger, all the while sucking a mark onto the base of your collarbone.

“Carm…please,” your voice pleaded with him as you bunched his shirt into your fist. “I need more of you.”

In an instant, he had his shirt off, pulling it over his head in one swift motion. Underneath him, you finished the job of removing your own shirt and started to wriggle out of your sleep shorts before his hand covered your own.

He took his time with you, as he loved to do during nights like these, unhurriedly hooking his fingers under the waistband as you lifted your hips.  As was often the case, you were bare underneath the soft cotton and he heard a whine escape the back of your throat as he left a line of searing kisses over your stomach, your hipbone, your inner thigh.

He could have had you begging underneath him; could have buried two fingers into you knuckle deep while his tongue spelled out his reverence against your clit. But he didn’t want to play games tonight. Tonight, he wanted you gathered in his arms, your legs wrapped around his hips and your voice in his ear.

“This all for me, babygirl?” He mumbled as he reached out to touch you, slick and warm and pliant under his touch. He slipped two fingers inside you and you gasped at the stretch, your hips tilting upward as you chased his touch, needy for more.

“Please, baby,” you whined. And something about the tone of your voice and the tremble of your hands as they tugged at his hair told him that you didn’t want to play around tonight either.

He sat up on his knees as you both made quick work of discarding his sweatpants and boxers. Your hands were on him in an instant, stroking his length and spreading the bead of precum over his aching tip with the pad of your thumb.

He teased the fat head of his cock along your folds, spreading your arousal along your core as you writhed every time he brushed along your clit, and then lined up to enter you. You gasped softly into his mouth as he slid inside and he swore he saw stars dancing in his vision as he tried to remain focused on you underneath him. But he knew that if he thought too hard about your pink swollen lips and how delicious it was to hear his name falling from them, he knew he’d fall off the cliff far too quickly.

He pawed at your thigh, fingertips finding purchase on the supple skin there, and hitched your leg around his hip. And with a steadying breath, he began to rock his hips against yours in long, languid strokes. God, he could live in this moment with you forever.

He knew he hit your sweet spot when you gasped his name, arching off of the bed and clawing at his shoulders. With all of the single-minded precision of a perfectionist, he focused in on that spot, driving in on that one place deep within you that made you babble incoherently in his ear. Eventually, he was buried so deep within you that his thrusts were more like grinding against you, his pelvis giving you much needed friction to your clit as you fucked up into him, maintaining a deep pressure where you needed him so badly.

Your walls began to flutter around him, and he didn’t even need you to tell him how close you were; he could see it in the glazed over expression on your face, feel it in the tension of your whole body wrapped around him tight as a rubber band threatening to snap.

“Come for me, babygirl,” he groaned into the hollow of your shoulder. “Need you so bad.”

And then you were gone. Your head was thrown back against the pillow and your walls clenched down around him so fast and hard that his own orgasm hit him like a freight train, knocking the breath right out of him as his hips stuttered against yours for the last time.

When he finally regained his breath, he rolled off of you, groaning at the loss of contact. You reached an arm out to him limply as he stood and he brushed his lips against the pads of your fingers.

“Be right back,” he promised, slipping out of your room and around the corner to the bathroom.

He returned a moment later with a warm, damp washcloth in hand to help clean you up. Overly sensitive, you squirmed away from his touch as he gently ran the cloth over you. He made a mental note to use that hyper-sensitivity another night.

Satisfied that you were clean, he tossed the rag into the hamper and crawled back into bed with you, dropping sweet kisses along your chest and shoulders as he wrapped himself around you and pulled the sheets over your spent bodies.

Your noses bumped together as you peppered small kisses over his face.

“Do you know how much I love you, Carmen?” You asked.

He pushed a stray strand of hair away from your face, tucking it gently behind your ear. As he peered at you in the dim room, he thought of all the ways his life had improved since you came into it. The (slightly) shorter days at work, the decrease of anxiety and increase of laughter. He had never thought of himself as much of a romantic before, but if he was imagining a forever, he could imagine it with you.

He kissed you once, twice and smiled warmly. “I think I can imagine.”