#I could do other shit in theory but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it bc working downstairs is also a nightmare

[exopelagic]

I did NOT realise how out of it I am December is messed up

[theyarebothgunshot]

jib 7 breakdown and analysis 

a little while ago i said that i am open to requests for making analysis posts when it comes to cockles panels and just cockles in general, and i got quite a few responses. the first person who asked me was my lovely tea anon, and the panel in question is jib 2016 aka jib 7. 

first of all i want to give you my take on the overall vibe, and then second of all i will get into the details and link to certain timestamps in the video. 

standard disclaimer: i am not gonna be linking to every single thing i talk about, but i will try my best to link to the moments that stand out to me the most. my recommendation would be to watch the panel in its entirety alongside my comments. i have read long posts about this panel before, so not everything in this post is gonna be original or said for the first time ever, simply because there is a good chance that information has stuck in my mind and has subconsciously formed my view of this panel. this is also in no way, shape or form gonna be coherent, unfortunately. i’m just gonna hope that the cockles hivemind will be able to make sense of this regardless. love and light. and lastly, this is all in good fun, so don’t come at me if you think this is too out there please and thank you.

the overall vibe that this panel gives me is that jensen and misha are a unity at this point. they are in sync with each other, and this whole panel is very relaxed and in good spirits. there is also the fact that their outfits match very well. and with jensen ross ackles involved, that cannot be a coincidence, so i love that a lot. 

another thing that i cannot ignore is that it’s also a very sexual panel, with a lot of double meanings and innuendos and remarks that can be read as sexual if you are as pervy as me. 

now let’s get into the specifics. 

although i am sure this is not going to be news for any of you, i feel like a little background knowledge is in order. before this panel, misha had had a panel that day with j*red. the mishalecki panel was really fucking funny and filled with sexual innuendos. 

between these two panels, it appears that there was a break in which they all had nothing to do (i am basing this off other people’s experiences and reports that i have read in the past, as i unfortunately wasn’t there myself).

considering how this panel goes, i think there is a good chance that jensen and misha just had sex beforehand. and based on both of their demeanors, one could draw certain conclusions about who did what (i honestly don’t like talking about who tops and who bottoms because who gives a shit and things are rarely that black and white, but all i’m gonna say is that even though jensen has joked about his asshole before, jensen and misha clearly said switch rights).

from the very first second. the VERY FIRST SECOND. jensen is sauntering on stage like he is thee man. then the crowd is cheering ‘one more time’, and jensen looks at misha, starts cheering too, and makes a movement that is bordering on obscene before waving it away. conclusion: ‘one more time’ could also mean ‘one more round of hot steaming sex’ and he still had sex on the brains, so that was what he was thinking about. 

ahhh, the intricate ritual [1m34s] of greeting each other on stage as if you haven’t spoken to each other all day, even though you probably just had sex….. jensen ackles, i wanna study you. i wonder what the deal is with that. does he just like to pay misha extra attention on stage? does he revel in the fact that he knows that fans like this sort of interaction? can he just not help himself? questions that keep me up at night. 

also, there is just SOMETHING about the way jensen says ‘i’m doing well how are you?’ it’s almost flustered? borderline shy? and then he goes on to say that he did an impression of misha earlier, in a manner that’s just so flirty. idk guys. it’s flirty. kindergarten flirty, but flirty nonetheless.

misha, of course, immediately turns his entire body towards him. almost as if they both already forgot there is an audience in front of them. then he just gets closer and closer to jensen, for no reason whatsoever except for the pure magnetic pull they have on each other. pray4misha.

i think it is a testament to how in sync they are that misha immediately realises that jensen mentioned bicycle touring during his ‘impression of misha’, and i love the moment where jensen puts on an accent (something that misha normally does) and goes ‘is like sport’ and misha laughs and goes ‘is very similar to sport’ and they both lose it. idk, i feel like that might be a sort of inside joke to them as well. 

this might be slightly reaching, but hear me out: right away, jensen goes: ‘oh by the way, sore?’ why would he say ‘by the way’? what is he thinking about when he says that? is it about ‘is very similar to sport’? because i could totally see them having sex and refering to it as ‘well that’s kind of like a sport’, as an inside joke. it works. i’m just saying!!! 

look. i know this back and forth has been discussed to death. we all know that the implication is that jensen fucked misha and misha is kind of stunned that jensen actually goes there. so stunned that he repeats it: ‘sore? am i sore?’ almost as if to stall a bit in his response. yikes. 

i think that it’s fair to say that this is something jensen enjoys doing: riling misha up on stage. because a lot of the time, misha has the upper hand on stage (probably also in the bedroom but that’s another conversation), but sometimes. sometimes jensen just can’t help but throw a lil oil onto the fire. (see also: underbear panel, throwing himself on stage to get straddled, etc). 

misha goes on to say that ‘after the panel with j*red’ he is quite sore. you can take that at face value, and think ‘oh so he is joking around that the panel with j*red made him sore haha’ or you can see a little bit of the truth shine through: literally after that panel, something happened that made him sore. it’s always easier to lie when you are bending the truth.

i actually can’t believe i never connected the dots before, but when misha deflects and says ‘oh you’re talking about the bike riding’ jensen is quick to say: ‘oh no i was talking about what just happened’ but instead of pointing at the stage (which is where the previous panel took place) he is gesturing to backstage. i mean…. way to feed into my ‘they just had sex backstage’ theory, jackles. thanks for that. 

i cannot get over the way jensen is looking at misha throughout this whole ordeal, but especially when he goes ‘you heard it here first, folks’ and misha walks up to him. THAT FACE. fuck him. he’s so gone. 

sidenote: i have never wished to be able to read lips as much as i have since i have stumbled upon these two morons, because i WISH i could see what misha is mouthing to jensen. i know there is some spec that he might have said ‘i am a little bit’ (aka he is a little bit sore) and i could see that, but i just want to know for sure. and even though i have seen people state that jensen would have already known about the panel with j*red, i think it’s possible misha hadn’t filled jensen in yet, seeing as they probably were doing something other than talking. 

let me take this moment to tell y’all about one of my jenmish theories, and that is: i think that jensen sometimes is overprotective of misha and that can come across as jealousy when it’s actually just worry. and i think this panel is a good example of that.

misha says [4m25s] that in italy they call come influence and jensen just. straight up looks at misha like ‘what the fuck did you do, what mess did you get yourself into this time?’ this is another reason why i believe he actually didn’t know about what happened during that panel yet: the reaction looks very authentic. you see his eyes shift from one side to the other and back again, as he is trying to process it. and honestly when you look at misha, his face goes through this journey of ‘this is funny’ to ‘shit is this maybe going a bit too far?’ and ending on ‘okay wrap it up wrap it up’. this is further solidified by the fact that jensen starts to mime digging a grave (aka ‘digging your own grave’).

misha tries to ‘change the subject’ by saying cas is the bottom in the implied relationship with sam and jensen immediately brings it back to sports. see what i meant when i said that they are tying sex and sports together? here jackles goes again, doing exactly that. for no reason whatsoever. (except to once again proof my point). 

WHY [5m50s] do they both burst out laughing at ‘tight end’ why why why i don’t wanna know but why why also quick reminder of ‘are you sore at all’ help i am just. EVERY DAY they are making me perceive things and connect dots and i do not like it. anyways i’m not saying that this is all very graphic stuff about their sex lives but i’m also not not saying it, you feel? jensen’s face says it all tbh. on a more wholesome note: i love the fact that they basically wanted to say ‘we should take questions’ at the same time. again: in sync. 

when the first person to ask a question said ‘this is a serious question’ misha goes to explain to jensen that that was a joke during his panel with j*red, another reason to believe that he hadn’t told jensen about the panel yet. jensen’s face there…. heart eyes motherfucker. 

i really don’t see enough people talk about the ‘safe word’ [6m38s] bit. jensen is the one to bring it up ‘so we should probably establish a safe word at this point. mine is keep going.’ misha laughs, and then realises what jensen has said, and (here comes my dom/sub truthing) teases jensen by saying ‘what is your safe word?’ to which jensen replies ‘keep going’ but LOOK at jensen’s face after he says that. he shakes his head with a little smirk and looks at misha with such a knowing look in his eyes that says ‘you fucker you know damn well what my safe word is’ and he actually does a double take and immediately rolls his eyes at himself after that. it’s all very quick but it’s far from subtle and i am here for it. 

i fucking love this next part because when the person says ‘a real story about the real jensen and the real misha’ they both are just like ‘yes okay’ but as soon as they say ‘that you have never told anyone before’ jensen just looks down and moves his head as if to say ‘what the hell am i supposed to come up with then’ lmao it’s really funny, and they end it with: ‘to know you a little bit better’ and guys (gn) i beg of you to look at the way they look at each other here. [7m24s] jensen is just like ‘help wtf should we say to this’ and misha just smiles down at him fondly like ‘sigh our fans really want us to talk about our relationship and as much as we would love to share stuff we just can’t’.

when misha says ‘we have to dust off some of those stories that we usually try not to tell other people’, something comes to mind: the ‘3 least ordered items on the menu’ story, that jensen shared a year after this at honcon. i honestly think that maybe they started to talk about what else they could share with the public, after this panel, because they get similar questions like this one all the time. either that or jensen just thought about what he felt comfortable sharing, without talking to misha about it, and decided to tell that story. 

i also absolutely love when they say ‘this is a serious question’ at the same time. AGAIN: IN SYNC!!!

‘i actually have a voice for you’ jensen can you please tell me why this sounds flirty and charming while you are actually about to make fun of your husband? i hate you (no i don’t) the fact that misha immediately knows what will happen, says a lot.

then jensen says: ‘dust off an old story for uhh..’ and burst out laughing. i swear to god i’d give my left pinkie to know what came to mind and what he whispered into misha’s ear. and i’m left handed. but i think we can all agree that whatever jensen said, it was something sexual, seeing as misha goes ‘nope’. those fuckers (affectionate).

something that i have mentioned in the past is that jensen always sort of ‘jokey’ goes ‘oh shit’ whenever misha says he’ll share something personal/private about them. i mean. jensen, it would be less sus if you didn’t respond. just giving you some pointers here, bro. because misha almost never shares something strange, it’s actually your reaction that makes me go ‘hmmmm.’ this time he even gets kind of elaborate breathing?? [10m27s]

oh to be a fly in clif’s car… honestly, the things clif must have heard and witnessed lmao. he clearly knows what is up between them (has made enough remarks about thinking that misha would be the bottom and that misha on his knees was nothing new for me to see that he absolutely knows.) 

this isn’t really important when it comes to cockles but they talk a bit about j*red’s internet dispute with at&t and jensen goes ‘oh they know’ gesturing to the audience. so clearly, jensen is well aware of the fact that fandom gets involved whenever something happens online with any one of them. just. thought that is an interesting fact. just in general. also love how i can tell that they both think j*reds crusades are bullshit (as they should). 

there is something really cute [14m13s] about the way misha goes ‘do you want your apple juice?’ and jensen goes ‘yeah!’ it sounds so domestic and mundane and i just. god i love them so much. 

i know we talk about jensen’s heart eyes a lot. but y’all. look [14m52s] at misha right here. he’s SO in love.

the thing that strikes me about jensen putting on ‘that voice’ for misha is that misha is honestly not bothered by it at all, but i think if the shoe was on the other foot, jensen would definitely be bothered. i don’t know what conclusion to draw from that but i just thought that is interesting. i always laugh at that bit, though, they seem to have so much fun.

i REALLY wanna know how jensen got from ‘will you dance for us?’ to ‘no but i’ll tell you what, misha and i will write a song for you real quickly.’ it’s such a fast transition that i am tempted to think that this was something he had been thinking about for a while now. he just wanted his mish to sing a song. and that warms my heart.

if you think i will ever get over how soft jensen is here… ‘you’re smart, you think on your feet, you make brilliant videos, put them on facebook, write amazing texts (*coughs* poems) and tweets and stuff, go ahead. spit out some lyrics, big guy.’ there is not one single thing about this that i do not adore. an ode to misha!!!! so casually!!! fuck. it might be true that if you want jensen to do something, you get misha to ask him, but it’s certainly also true the other way around.

the way jensen just. stares [19m02s] at misha, trying to get inspired by him, trying to feel out what cords to play. yeah. the way misha stands up but instinctively turns to jensen when he starts to sing. yeah. and then during the remainder of the song, he keeps on turning to jensen even though he faces the audience. and jensen loved it all. it’s so sweet. idk why but it just is. jensen just wanted his babe to thrive and get the love he deserves. 

aaaand in comes the dom shake [20m37s]. we love to see it. jensen just keeps on looking at mish. almost gets lost in it. touches his inner thigh (one of his habits, which he does a lot around misha or when talking about misha). 

i think it’s very interesting that jensen’s reaction [22m11s] to the question if he thinks dean will ever find a way to have a romantic relationship and to find himself in between normal and supernatural, is to immediately looks at misha. like? what was the reason? did he expect misha to answer a question that wasn’t about cas but about dean? did he think he should maybe answer it in a destiel-like manner? was he worried that the fan was hoping for a destiel-like answer and was he looking at misha to gauge what he thought was a smart way to respond? so many questions. 

i think it’s pretty interesting that jensen was very aware of the fact that people did not wanna see dean end up with a huntress lmao. he absolutely was aware of so many fandom things.

when jensen said that misha just crossed the line [23m40s], it’s another example of how jensen is ultra aware of what misha says and how it could get him into trouble and by the sounds of it, misha knows that as well but he just can’t always stop himself in time. from what we can see, he often realises just after he has already said something (when it is already too late).

listen. the fact that misha says ‘when harry met sally’ BEFORE the question was even finished, and jensen LAUGHS, like??? that panel was 5 years ago at that point. it clearly made a lot of impact on the both of them (jeez i wonder why, could it be because misha faked an orgasm and jensen got excited? hmm. who knows.) 

i think the dance portion is so fucking hilarious i’m wheeeezing. literally. they are just moving randomly AND YET THEY STILL SORT OF ARE IN SYNC? amazing.

you wanna know what i find really cute? the fact that jensen has such a soft spot for the resume off. part of me thinks it’s because they had a resume off in both 2012 and 2013. 

and jib 2012 took place during the famously rumored break up period. i wouldn’t be surprised if jib 2013 was that much more special to him because they finally got to make it right again. don’t look at me i’m getting emotional (on that note…… i might wanna write something about the break up period at some point. but idk. i mean. it’s a lot to delve into especially since i wasn’t in the fandom back then but. it compels me. we’ll see i guess.)

okay i know i keep saying this but they are SO in sync, as soon as they talk about photo ops and jensen goes ‘and to dab a little salt in the wound’ misha knows what he is gonna say, and they stand up together to demonstrate what happened. AND they both go ‘that’s not the punchline’ they are husbands. 

misha and jensen have both “twirled away laughing” in the EXACT same manner during this panel: misha when jensen starts to read the script, and jensen right here when misha says ‘what’s it like to be in a successful long running show’. they are mirrors. listen. listen. i know my mind is in the gutter a LOT of the time but like. uhm. there is this moment where they recall a woman saying in the photo op to ‘eat it’ (the string candy she gave to them) and misha says ‘and so we did’ and jensen looks at misha and it is SUCH an incriminating look i mean i don’t wanna be that person but 5 bucks he was thinking about eating misha out i am JUST SAYING. LITERALLY LOOK AT HIS FACE. [28m55s]

misha teases [7m02s] jensen by saying ‘what did you do? did you actually do it on purpose orrrr’ and i think it was to make jensen elaborate on it. which i think is a fucking good way to pull that off when it comes to jensen. cause jensen doesn’t like to brag, which misha knows, so by making that joke he is essentially trying to get jackles to tell the audience more about what he did, without him feeling like he is boasting about himself. and misha looks so pleased when jensen starts talking.

fuck i literally had to pause just now because. jensen says: ‘one of the characteristics of dean that i love to play is that he can bottle those fears up, stash them away, and just go. and uhm… sometimes i wish i could do that.’

this is actually making me a bit emotional because. he took his time saying this. it was a very deliberate move. he wasn’t sorry he said anything or regretted it. he wanted to get that out there. and i just. it makes so much sense if what we all think is actually true. he wishes he could just ignore all his fears and go for it. and it’s not hard to imagine what ‘it’ could be: coming out. whether that be just about his relationship with misha or being attracted to more than women in general, just in any way shape or form. it’s poignant. and misha turns away, but you can see him sigh a little bit. 

the whole bit about “apple juice” is just very cute and i enjoy it a lot. one thing i will say though is that i can kind of spot two tells of jensen: the way his face scrunches up when he is telling a lie that he thinks is clever, and the way he always leaves his chair to pour a drink when a question becomes difficult/hard/too funny to face head on. he has done both of those things time and time again, during panels with misha. just an observation. 

there is this little moment [10m13s] where misha tells the story about how he used to make apple cider with worms and dirt in it and in the end he goes ‘anyways. new england apple cider everyone. highly recommend.’ and jensen echoes that, ‘highly recommend. yeah.’ and of course that could just be a way to joke around and play along with misha but i’d like to think that he has visited misha and they had some apple cider together. just because i like the thought and i can, so. 

how CUTE is it that jensen remembers ‘i’ll just wait here then’, a line cas spoke 7 years prior to that panel, in a scene jensen wasn’t even in. i love it.

jensen slowly shaking his head when misha says ‘fuck’ and apologizing for it has SUCH major ‘excuse my husband’ energy. i love it.

‘i’ve got an idea’ [14m13s] ‘what? let’s do it’ misha imMEDIATELY regretted that lmaooo they are always so aware of double meanings and yet they cannot seem to help themselves. we love to see it. 

can you BELIEVE jensen ‘dance monkey dance’ ackles OFFERED to shamelessly promote a movie they have nothing to do with??? jensen, who hates the fact that they have to play some sort of show on stage, actually wanted to do that with misha??? i’m just- something something if you want jensen to do anything ask misha, but apparently also: if you want jensen to do something get misha involved and he’ll love it. 

and then he has the audacity to say ‘over to the wheel of love.’ i mean. i can’t.

(i don’t necessarily understand what is happening btw but that’s okay, because it leads to champagne. which is fun.)

okay so again apologies for my mind being in the gutter but jensen’s face [16m33s] when he says he is going to explain what [the champagne] tastes like……. hm. help. 

 honestly i just love the whole champagne bit because i love it whenever they get so playful on stage, and them “presenting” the bottle and going all ‘we know what we’re talking about’ ‘we’re kind of connaisseurs’ and the whole english accent bit. say it with me…. in sync. 

jensen popping a champagne bottle is something that can be so personal…. (i’m touch starved and going crazy, leave me alone)

i absolutely love the fact that jensen notices that misha is miming taking off his pants and misha immediately runs to him to explain and jensen just goes full on protective husband mode (YET AGAIN) ‘i turn my back for 2 minutes’ lmao it’s just such old married couple behavior. an old married couple that is horny and deranged, but still. 

i’ve seen the gifset of this moment [24m52s] many a times but i still think it’s so intimate. the way misha looks at jensen and walks backwards with him, for no fucking reason at all. sigh. misha’s hand clenches a little, and honestly i think he would have wanted to reach out to jensen in that moment. pat his arm or his back. and something happens a little while later that only proves my point even more…

that caress [60m5s] is probably one of the most intimate gestures i’ve seen between them. it’s so familiar. so natural. it says a lot.

and that’s the end of the panel. all in all i have to say that i enjoyed rewatching this panel with the analysis goggles on, because it’s really a very different experience and i picked up on a lot more than i did when i watched it just for fun. i think this is one of my favorite panels of theirs (at least until my next analysis lmao) because of the fact that they are so in sync with each other, which goes to show that their relationship was in such a good place (mind you i am only using past tense because i am describing a past panel, not because i think they’re not in a good place right now). this was a lot of fun folks, if you actually read all of this, god bles, you’re the best. see you next time!

[simpsiren]

jaehyun x reader

description. A relationship with Jaehyun wasn’t always perfect. There wasn’t a definite label on it, which only sent the relationship down a complicated pathway as we tried to find the meaning of our love once again.

genre. ANGST, college!au, enemies(?) to lovers, dancer!reader x barista!jaehyun

word count. 7k~

warnings. toxic relationship, im so sorry i had to make jaehyun a bad boy here BUT IT HAS A GOOD ENDING I SWEAR

a/n. hihiii so this fic is basically based on using lyrics of a song to form a story and for mine ill be using boyfriend by ariana grande so hope youll enjoyy! please check out the other stories by the other authors here too!!

“I don't wanna be too much

But I don't wanna miss your touch

And you don't seem to give a fuck”

It’s been weeks. Weeks since I’ve talked to Jaehyun. Weeks since I’ve made any form of interaction with him. Weeks since I had his body close to mine.

He’s been ignoring me and yet I still can never guess why. I saw him walking out of his Psychology class today. I put my foot down, determined to settle on the decision that I just have to force it out of him instead of floating around mindlessly trying to dissect and figure out his weird attitude.

He walked down the hallway, bag lazily hung on one shoulder. He wore his black hoodie and grey sweatpants. His messy and unkept hair bouncing in the air with each step he took. It meant that he’s had a bad morning. I knew him long enough to know that if he doesn’t put effort into looking good then it meant that he wasn’t having any of it. I did think twice before approaching him. But he has left me in the dust for too long for me to handle.

“Jaehyun.” I said with a firm voice, running up to him and grabbing his arm tightly. He stopped in his tracks, his head turning slowly as his eyes trailed from my grip and to me. “What?” Jaehyun asked, sounding annoyed with his brows furrowed and narrowed eyes.

“What? That’s all you have to say?” I jerked my head forward, copying his same expression except that mine was intensified with how arrogant is What sounded. “Three fucking weeks. And that’s all you have to say?”

Jaehyun shook his arm to get off of my grip. Due to the force of his strength, I stumbled back slightly. He folded his arms, hands hugging his waist as he glanced down with a sigh and looked at me. “What do you want me to say?”

I scoffed loudly, running a hand filled with frustration through my hair. I adjusted my tote bag on my shoulder before standing firm and upright in my spot.

“An explanation on why the fuck you’re ignoring me would be nice, you know.” Jaehyun smacked his lips, almost in an awkward manner. But he kept silent for at least ten seconds, just staring down at me.

“I have nothing to explain.” Jaehyun finally let out dryly. But in a way it sounded like he was mad. My pupils flared. Rage was starting to build up in me while he kept up his nonchalant attitude. Jaehyun shoved his hands in his sweatpants and walked off. I would have stopped him, but I chose not to.

I didn’t want to annoy too much if I asked him again. All I wanted was to know why he kept ignoring me all this time. But it seemed like he didn’t care. Like he was able to erase me cleanly out of his life, ignoring me completely. He avoided my glances in class, he acted as if he didn’t hear anything when I called out to him and he’d walk past me casually as if nothing between us happened.

I stood there, staring at his back as his figure started to get smaller and further till he turned a corner and disappeared. I balled a fist in my hand, squeezing it so tight that my fingernails made an impression on my skin and having red marks on my palm.

To be honest, as much as I was mad at him, I missed him a whole lot more. I missed having his arms around me, I missed his whispers, I missed my fingers running through his soft locks. I missed his touch. I didn’t know I could be this touch-deprived till he ignored me. I walked back to my dorm, specifically Mark’s so that I could let off some steam.

“Wait like actually?” Mark shouted from the kitchen while he took out the large tub of strawberry ice cream and watermelon slices from the fridge.

I screamed into the pillow more, digging my face into it till I finally lifted my head up and took in a deep breath, turning my head sharply to Mark. “Yeah. Can you believe it?!” I shouted back, watching Mark bringing the desserts and taking a seat next to me. I shoved the pillow beside me and slumped into the couch with folded arms.

“I never thought he’d do something like that. He’s always been kind to me. And everyone.” Mark commented, picking up and watermelon slice and munching on it with a dreamy sigh. I huffed, grabbing the ice cream angrily and picking up the spoon, shoving it in forcefully to take a spoonful and eating it. “Not to me apparently.” I said with rolled eyes.

“We were completely fine before. I don’t know what happened and that’s what’s driving me insane!” I groaned out. After forcing Mark to get me ice cream, I thought my anger would subside at least a tiny bit. But having Jaehyun running circles in my mind has done it for me. Isn’t mind Jaehyun suppose to be the tired one here?

“Ah wait!” I alerted Mark, gaping my mouth open as I quickly turned my head to him. Mark does the same with raised brows. “Huh what? You know why he’s ignoring you?” Mark tilted his head and leaned in with curiosity.

I shook my head furiously, making Mark backed his head till his double chin showed. “Then what?”

“The dance assignment! Shit I forgot! Did you start?” I dropped the tub in my lap amd slapped Mark’s thigh vigorously, starting to get panicky as I remembered the assignment I’m suppose to pass up in a month’s time. Mark gave a half-shrug. “I’m doing solo for this one. Have you not started?”

“No! Urgh I can’t do solos. Is there anyone that wants a duet?” Mark puckered his lips, tilting his head up as he thought about it for a moment. “How about Taeyong?” He suggested. I looked at him with disbelief.

“Um hello? It’s Lee Taeyong. I’m pretty sure he’s doing solo. Even if he were to do a duet, all the girls would be fighting for the spot next to him.” I reached forward to pick up a watermelon slice and shoving it in my mouth despite the fact that I still had a little ice cream in my mouth.

“You never know. Just ask him next practice.” I let out a quiet ‘tsk’ I stared down at the table while I slowly chewed and swallowed all the food in my mouth. At least now I had something to do that can hopefully get my mind off Jaehyun.

“And I might not be the one for you

But you ain't about to have no boo.”

During dance theory in the lecture hall, I kept my eyes on Taeyong, who was sitting in the center a few rows lower than me. I rested my chin on the palm of my hand, head facing him and I pondered about how I can master up the courage to talk to him.

He’s the best dancer among all dance majors. From techniques to theory, he’s gotten perfect scores every time. It felt somewhat wrong for me to talk to someone of a high status like that. And of course his talent and visuals has had girls swooning over him for years.

I snapped back to reality when I reallse everyone started to pack and stand up from their seat. I blinked my eyes rapidly as I looked around before turning back to Taeyong, heaving a sigh as I notice him still standing there. I quickly packed up my things, slinging my tote bag on and rushing down the flight of stairs to where Taeyong was.

I was now standing in front of him, his bright red hair standing out while he kept his eyes on his things while packing up. “Taeyong?” I called out softly, bending forward. He finally lifted his head up. “Hi?” He asked, questionably.

“Um I was wondering what you’re planning to do for the assignment.” Taeyong glanced sideways before meeting my eyes. As I stared at him, I really now could see why all girls fall in love with him. I’ve never seem to notice since I’ve always been caught up with Jaehyun.

“Actually I’m-”

“It’s fine if you have another person to do duet with you. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of options and that’s totally fine I understand-”

“I didn’t even finish my sentence.” Taeyong cut me off with a light chuckle, a small smile forming on his face. He was so attractive. “Oh right sorry.” I blurted out, turning my head to the side and rubbing the back of my neck nervously.

“I was saying that I haven’t thought about what I wanted to do yet.” Taeyong stood up, holding his bag in his fingers with the handle. He was so close to me and I got extremely terrified with his height. Though the gap difference wasn’t much. I guess I’m just intimidated by his presence. “Mark recommended that we should team up.” I finally let out, forcing myself to not beat around the bush anymore to get this done and over with.

Taeyong’s smile got a whole lot brighter and bigger till his eyes form a thin line. “Sure! Been doing solos too much and you’re quite good.” I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Firstly, he said yes. Secondly, he noticed me dance before? I mean of course we saw everyone dancing but I never imagined Taeyong to actually look at me dances.

“Wait really?! Oh my God thank you! Um so do you have any classes after this?” I bounced on the ball of my feet excitedly, a smile unconsciously forming on my lips. Taeyong shook his head. “You want to start today?” I nodded my head eagerly.

“Alright. Let’s head to the dance studio. We only have one month left.”

Due to the limited time we had, it forced Taeyong and I to have dance practices almost everyday, particularly every night. We’d either use the dance studio and his own one out of campus that wasn’t far away. I started to bond with Taeyong more and more, realising how sweet and soft he was despite looking so intimidating at first. I liked the time I spent with Taeyong. He was able to make it fun for us even though we’d be laying on the floor dying by the end.

One practice, Taeyong and I just finished cleaning up our choreography that Taeyong was expertly able to come up by the third practice. It became normal for us to just lay down, arms and legs spread out on the floor as we stared up at the ceiling and let out loud and heavy breathing be heard.

That is, until my phone rang.

“You should get that.” Taeyong rolled over, his stomach on the floor while he kept his upper body up with the support of his elbows and forearm on the floor. I sighed, frowning. “I can’t be bothered to move.” The phone’s been ringing for minutes now.

Taeyong chuckled and stood up after taking in a deep breath, reaching his hand out to my bag and sliding me my phone. “Thanks.” I muttered as Taeyong sat down beside our bags to grab his drink.

I looked at the caller, instantly sitting up straight when I reallsed it’s Jaehyun. My sudden actions caused Taeyong to let out a, “Who’s calling?” I assumed he examined my shocked expression after asking that as I kept my eyes on the phone, Jaehyun’s name bolden on my screen.

I then remembered the fact that I blocked his contact a few months back and it had a time limit on it. And I guess the limit ended today.

“I’m picking up the call. And if I start screaming, you might want to run. Cause’ I’m about to get a lil bit psychotic.” Despite my warning, Taeyong let out a humorous laugh, nodding his head in response. “Alright, alright.” He said, waving his hand out lazily as a way to say, “Now go pick up the call.”

One click of a button and I brought my phone up to my ear, hearing Jaehyun’s heavy breathing. “Where the fuck are you?” His voice was low and deep, one filled with anger, but not the shouting kind. “I’m at a dance studio...?”

“Yeah and with who?” Jaehyun growled. I turned my head to the mirror, seeing Taeyong looking at my back. “With Taeyong. So what?” I questioned him, wanting to sound nonchalant.

Jaehyun scoffed in amusement. “At two in the morning?! You serious right now?!” His voice raised with each word, he was now screaming and I began to get scared. “How’s this your problem?! I’m practicing for my assignment with Taeyong. What the hell did you think I was doing!” I couldn’t help but shout back, wanting to fight and top his level of rage and anger. I had the right to be mad since he ignored me for so long. But for him to suddenly care about what I do and who I’m with? That wasn’t going to cut it for me.

“I don’t give a damn. I’m picking you up right now. Tell me your location.”

“No! We’re not done practicing!” I lied, groaning as I leaned forward and placed a hand on my forehead to cover my eyes.

“Practice another day-”

I didn’t notice Taeyong creeping up behind me, flinching when I felt his hand on my wrist, pulling my phone away from my ear. He snatched it out of my grip and held the phone to his ear. “You heard her. We’re still practicing. I don’t why you’re so worked up. But you can speak with her tomorrow. Have a good night now.” Taeyong sounded extremely professional, proceeding to end the call and handing my phone back.

“You didn’t have to...” Taeyong sat down beside me and sighed, the two of us now facing the mirror as we stared at ourselves. “I didn’t want you to go psychotic.” He joked, making me laugh slightly, though it hurt my core due to the physical training we did before actually practicing.

“Is that your boyfriend or something?” He sounded curious. I kept silent, looking up as I try to phrase who Jaehyun was to me. But I ended up with no answer. “I don’t know. We’re just... complicated.” I whispered. “Let’s not talk about Jaehyun. I’m getting sick of it.”

Absentmindedly, or perhaps not, I laid my head slowly onto Taeyong’s shoulder. He didn’t move and instead stayed there as comfortable silence filled the air, not giving a thought about our sweaty bodies touching each other.

Biology lecture ended. I was walking out of the hall when I thought of texting Taeyong to see if I could meet him for a short practice. I didn’t know why, I just wanted to see him and do anything with him, it didn’t have to be practicing.

Before I could even type a single letter, my wrist was suddenly being pulled back from behind, making me fall back a few steps till the grip guided me to stand. I looked up, seeing Jaehyun standing in front of me. Immediately, my eyes looked back at him filled with arrogance. “Why were you with Taeyong yesterday?” Jaehyun asked. Suddenly, his eyes grew soft and sweet. Which made me very surprised. It’s been long since I’ve seen the sweet side of Jaehyun before he ignored me. It made me feel something in my stomach indeed.

“I told you I had practice. I’m doing a duet with him for my assignment.” I said with a quiet sigh. Jaehyun ran a hand down his face, biting his lower lip as he looked away for a moment. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry... for getting worked up. I shouldn’t have since it’s for school.”

I clicked my tongue in amusement, smugly folding my arms and placing my weight on one leg. “An apology but no explanation? You’re an odd one Jaehyun...”

“We need to have a proper chat.” I tilted my head slightly at his weird words. Confused, but also nervous as to what he wanted to talk about.

We ended up going to his dorm. His roommate was out. We sat down on the couch together, his body leaning forward to reveal his back while I leaned back into the couch. There was a gap between us, which made me feel weird. The space in between was just... just there. And the fact that we used to cuddle on this couch made this more awkward.

“So?” I asked, my curiosity already killing me. Jaehyun let out a frustrated sigh. “I think we should just cut whatever we have completely.”

“What...?” I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t sure what to feel either. I could tell he was breaking down silently. I didn’t even need to look twice to confirm that. But I was breaking at his words as well, looking down to my lap amd biting my bottom lip. “Why?”

“I don’t know what we are,_____. Are we friends? Cause’ from the way we treat each other we’re definitely not. We aren’t in a relationship together either. We aren’t friends with benefits. We’re going back and forth and I’m sure you’re as tired about this as I am.”

As much as I wanted to deny, I couldn’t. Our relationship and what we were to each other was certainly not definite. It always confused me and put me in a tough spot. The way we treated one another was as if we’re in love. Maybe we were, or maybe we weren’t. Questions about us had always kept me up all night. And I guess it is right that we just cut it off completely.

“You’re right. I don’t see why we should be together. Or not. I don’t fucking know.” I stood up, making my way to the door. I had my hand on the doorknob. At that moment, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted everything to go back to normal. To when I would be in Jaehyun’s lap as we talked for hours, his turn table playing old school songs that I’ve never heard of but grew to like. To when we would go out together and do whatever we wanted till late at night. Basically back to when any of this confusion even happened.

“You still haven’t told me why you completely shut me out for three months straight though. It hurt me. You owe me an explanation soon. Goodbye, Jung Jaehyun.”

“I wanna kiss you, don't wanna miss you

But I can't be with you 'cause I got issues.”

Jaehyun could only seat there in silence, not sure of what to do now. His mind went blank the moment the door closed. He felt his phone vibrating in his back pocket. He leaned forward to take it out, proceeding to pick up the phone without even looking at the caller.

“Hey.” Jaehyun said plainly. He heard a few shuffling before someone comes up to the phone, their breathing could be heard. “Jae. I need to see you. Now. It’s urgent.” He recognised the familiar voice immediately.

“Soo? Why are you calling me?” Out of all the people that could’ve called him, she was the one that Jaehyun would least expect a call from. Let alone one that he wanted to hear from either. “A matter we can’t discuss on the phone. You know where to meet. In ten minutes.” The call quickly ended.

Jaehyun raised a brow at this. Many questions and possibilities popped up in his head. He quickly dashed out the dorm after grabbing his necessities, wanting to get this done and over with.

He waited by the park. A place that he and soo have had many memories. Ones that he wish to forget. But upon his visit to the park, of course they all had to come crashing back in his mind.

Soo came and motioned him to sit down on the bench that faced the lake. The dark sky being reflected on the lake’s surface as the cold breeze of the night touched their skin. “It’s about us.”

“There’s nothing between us.” Jaehyun was quick to reply, wishing he could just get out of this situation and think over about his other problems. Particularly the one about his complicated love life with a partner that he wasn’t even sure was his partner in the first place.

“Our parents are suspicious of us, Jae. You say that us not meeting anyone would solve it but if they don’t see us together-”

“It’s been three months do you think I wouldn’t realise it?” Jaehyun leaned forward and covered his face with both his hands, exhaling before lifting his head up back and looking at the scenery, hoping it’ll put him at ease even the slightest bit.

“You don’t want this. I don’t want this either. I have my own problems you know. I have someone I love.” Soo nodded her head, humming agreeably. “You’re right. We both don’t want this. But our parents do.”

Jaehyun groaned in annoyance, turning his head back to look at her. Soo blinked her eyes rapidly. She’s never seen him this mad before. “I know that way too damn well.” Jaehyun slapped his thighs and stood up, shoving his hands in his pocket and turning around swiftly to Soo.

“I don’t care what you do. You have a higher status than me and therefore you have a higher chance and authority for our parents to listen to you. Tell them I’m sorry but I really don’t want to be tied down to someone I don’t love.”

With that, Jaehyun stomped off, making his way back to the dorm. He immediately plopped himself onto his bed, sighing and he stared up the window. The couldn’t stop thinking about his lover. The fact that he couldn’t explain to her made his heart breal in every way possible.

He jusy wanted to be with her. But it was now his fault that she hates him now. And he’s not sure of what to do. The fact that he had to call off whatever they had couldn’t be anymore painful.

He wanted her with him right now. To have her presence right next to him. His arm wrapped around her as a way to protect her small figure from the world though he knew well enough that she was capable on her own. He wanted to plant light and sweet kisses filled with love all over her face. He wanted her touch of love that could send electric shocks throughout his body. He just missed her so.

“Even though you ain't mine, I promise the way we fight make me honestly feel like we just in love

'Cause baby, when push comes to shove.”

It’s been a few days since Jaehyun and I called it quits. And honestly, I was falling apart. I missed him a lot. It felt weird not having him around. It felt like back when he ignored me for three months. Except now the anger has disappeared, and all I craved for was his presence.

“The performance and assessment’s tomorrow. You ready?” Taeyong asked, breathing heavily as he walked to the speaker to stop the music. I squatted down on the floor, hugging my knees to catch my breath before gulping and nodding my head. “I’m surprised we managed to do this in a month despite our professor giving us four.” Taeyong nodded back agreeably.

“Let’s just hope we do well tomorrow then.” Taeyong walked back to me with his hands shoved in his pockets. I eyed him up and down taking the time to admire his outfit, which was simply just a tucked out loose white button under a muted blue waistcoat and black jeans and pointed shoes. The blue waistcoat was just to match his light blue hair that he dyed recently that suited him very well.

“Your outfit is simple, yet so pleasing.” I mumbled, my finger placed under my chin. Taeyong chuckled, taking one step closer to me. For some reason it made my heart race, the space between us got smaller and smaller unintentionally. “It’s probably because of my physique and natural features.”

Taeyong bent down to meet my eye level, tilting his head as he gave his cheeky eye smile that I got used to seeing very quickly. I ruffled his hair and laughed loudly. “Of course it is. You’ll definitely outshine me tomorrow.”

Taeyong slipped a hand around my waist, pulling me closer. This was definitely normal since our choreography included him doing this, but it made my face hot this time. “The purpose of a duet is to help each other shine together. I don’t think I’ll ever be outshining you.” Taeyong commented softlt with a gentl smile.

It was finally time for the performance. Everyone at the hall was seated, murmurs and chatters can be heard all over. Backstage, everyone was rushing to get ready. But I couldn’t help but peek at our professors and dance instructors that were about to grade us from behind the curtains.

“Nervous?” I heard Taeyong’s voice from behind me as he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I glanced back before taking in a deep breath. “We’re the fifth to go. Calm your nerves.” This time, he placed his other than on my other shoulder, proceeding to rub his hands up and down slowy and soothingly, which instantly calm me down. “I’m trying.” I whispered.

The two of us waited anxiously backstage as we counted the number of performers going up on stage. Now’s already the forth and we’re up next. Our names got called. Before we headed up on stage, Taeyong held my hand, interlocking his fingers with mine for a short moment before flashing me a smile and letting go, proceeding to walk forward as I followed behind.

The music played and we started to perform. The lights on the audience shined brightly and I could see everyone’s faces. Of course to calm myself down I kept my eyes straight ahead. Everything went as how it should. Taeyong and I danced perfectly in sync as if we were made to dance together. Taeyong had to lift me up for a few counts, holding me by the waist. And one glance to the audience and I instantly saw Jaehyun sitting somewhere in the middle, his eyes looking right at me. I was shocked but I had to continue.

We ended the performance with a deep bow. I smiled widely at the audience, but I avoided Jaehyun’s eyes completely. Taeyong and I walked off stage. “That’s was amazing! You did so well!” Taeyong shouted as he pulled me into a tight hug. I hugged back and laughed, panting heavily as I tried to catch me breath. “You were great too, Taeyong.”

Taeyong pulled away from me. And as we were about to walk to the changing room, I felt a hold on my wrist. A tight one. I turned around, noticing Jaehyun right in front of me. He looked over at Taeyong before me. He didn’t say a word and dragged me away. I glanced back at Taeyong, his worried eyes making me want to release my grip off Jaehyun but I knew I can never since he was way too strong.

“What the hell do you want?!” I shouted when we finally came to a stop at a secluded and somewhat dark corner. “I can’t see you dance with Taeyong. I got jealous.”

My eyes squinted at his words, completely confused and bewildered. My mouth gaped open as I let out a scoff. “Jealous? Why should you be? We aren’t anything anymore. What’s my relationship with Taeyong have anything to do with you?”

“I don’t like seeing you with him, okay? Didn’t you ever think about how I felt when you’re always staying up late with him for practice? Or did you even think about me at all?” I grew quiet, struggling to even form a sentence of what to say.

“I don’t like seeing you with any guy.”

“You aren’t my boyfriend. You don’t have any say in who I hang out with.”

It was now his turn to keep silent, avoiding my eyes completely as he looked elsewhere. “You aren’t mine. But don’t you think we had something between us at all? It drives me nuts whenever I think of you. I had my reasons for avoiding you, okay?”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “Sorry but I can’t handle any of this right now. I’m way too tired. Let’s talk some other time.”

With that, I walked off, trying to find Taeyong who just came out of the changing room with his outfit hung on his arm while he wore back his loose white tee and sweatpants. “You okay? I got worried.” Taeyong immediately rushed over to me and looked me up and down, concerned as to what happened just now.

“Yeah I am. I’ll go back to campus now. I just need some rest.”

Before taking a step, Taeyong stopped me. “Need a ride?” I shook my head.

“Thanks for the offer, but I much rather be on my own for now. I have too much on my mind.”

“I know we be so complicated

Lovin' you sometime drive me crazy

'Cause I can't have what I want and neither can you.”

I ended up staying late at night, staring off into the ceiling while hugging my cat plushie. And all I thought about was Jaehyun. I could never get him off my mind no matter how hard I tried to force myself to sleep. I could be staying up since I didn’t have classes the next day but my body was too physically tired. Yet my mental state seemed to be wide awake.

The next morning, I stayed in my dorm, pacing back and forth in circles as I figure out what to do. Suddenly, the door opened, making me flinch in shock as I realised it was just Mark. “You look stressed. You nervous about the results?”

“My mind is all over the place, Mark. Jaehyun’s driving me crazy and I just-” I grabbed my head with both my hands, letting out a loud groan and I plopped myself on my bed next to Mark.

“Won’t it be easier to just settle things with him?” I gave Mark and unimpressed look. “We did. We promised to not see each other again.” I let out a dreaded sigh. “But he came up to me yesterday and now all I can think about is him.”

Mark swung an arm around me, clearing his throat. “Then just tell him to back off. Now and forever. I can’t see my friend going crazy because of some frat boy.” I chuckled shaking my head. “He’s not a frat boy.”

“Sure acts like one.”

I hummed, giving a moment to think it over. “How can I meet him today though? He’s working.” Mark raised a brow, facepalming. “You know he has a thing called breaks, right?” Mark deadpanned. And just like that, I made my way to the cafe where Jaehyun supposedly worked the afternoon shift.

I walked in, the bell above the door ringing to signal that someone has entered. I didn’t see Jaehyun brewing the coffee. I walked up to the counter, seeing a familiar face and decided to ask him where Jaehyun was.

“Hey, Jeno?” I called out to him gently, watching pouring his ready made coffee into a small cup. He looked up, instantly smiling brightly when he made eye contact. “Hey! Haven’t seen you for so long! Looking for Jaehyun?” I nodded, gladly thankful that he read my mind.

“He went out somewhere for awhile. He’s coming back soon. Want to wait here while I serve you some caremel frappe?” I exhanged his smile with mine, nodding my head eagerly. “You know me well, Lee Jeno.” I tapped my hand on the counter before walking off, taking my usual seat at the far corner of the cafe that’s out of sight from public eyes. I used to sit here when I would wait for Jaehyun’s shift to end before walking back to campus. It felt weird coming back here after avoiding it for so long.

After a few minutes, Jeno brings me my drink. I thanked him as he backed away and I resumed my waiting. I checked the time on my phone. Thirty minutes have passed and he’s still not here. Each time the bell rang, I instantly lift my head up only to find that it wasn’t Jaehyun.

Heaving a sigh, I leaned forward, my shoulder raising up as I continued to stare at the entrance. Finally, I saw Jaehyun through the window, walking to the door. But... he’s with a girl?

The door opened and Jaehyun walked in, the girl close beside him. She was wearing Jaehyun’s hoodie too. The plain black that he often wears. I kept silent, wanting to see where all this was going. Why was I feeling something? I shouldn’t be... right? I have nothing to do with Jaehyun, let alone his love life. Wait why am I even assuming that they’re together?

Jaehyun went up to the counter. He turned around to look at the girl. They were smiling and laughing together, which made the knots in my stomach tighter and my heart began to ache at the sight. As cliche as it sounds, I muttered a, “That should be me.”

The girl took off his hoodie. She was wearing a shirt under it. It seemed like she wanted to give it back but Jaehyun insisted on her keeping it, continuously shoving the hoodie back and forth till she threw it at him, kissed him on the cheek and ran out the cafe laughing. I frowned. I really didn’t like how this was going.

Jeno went up to Jaehyun, motioning to where I was seated. I instantly looked out the window as if I didn’t even see Jaehyun coming in and was minding my business. I heard his heavy footsteps walking up to me, and he sat down, dragging the chair closer to the table. “You didn’t say you’d be here.”

I turned my head and faced forward to Jaehyun, picking up my drink to take a sip, nodding my head. “I didn’t.”

“Who was she?”

I couldn’t help but ask. I was too eager to know. Too eager for something to confirm my suspicions, closure. “A friend.” Jaehyun said after exhaling sharply.

My lips form a thin line, my brows raising for a moment as I gave a “You sure about that?” expression with a hum. Jaehyun stared at me for a moment. I couldn’t read his face. “She’s just like Taeyong. Someone I’m working with for a project.” He said with simple directness.

Anger started to settle in, the tension between us growing tighter and tighter with each moment of silence in the air. “Your project partner comes waltzing in wearing your hoodie and giving you a kiss on the cheek? Some partner there.” I replied with sarcasm, nodding my head over and over.

Jaehyun cocked a brow, the side of his lips turning up slightly as he leaned forward, so close that our faces were a mere inch away from each other. “Now you’re jealous? That’s cute.” He chuckled lowly.

I blinked my eyes rapidly. Is he really going to do this right now? Despite me blushing slightly at him calling me cute. I couldn’t shake the fact that he was probably trying to get back at me and making me feel how be felt when I was with Taeyong.

“Why can’t I? You were jealous when I was with Taeyong too.” I blurted out, not sure if that was the right thing to say.

“You aren’t my girlfriend, and I’m not your boyfriend. But we can’t see each other with anyone else, or touch anyone else. We can’t have who we want either. Make an inference. Connection, hidden meaning.”

“Don’t bring the method to answering History questions into this.” I couldn’t help but laugh softly at his attempt to joke. I knew very well right now wasn’t the time, but I just missed it.

“Stress high when the trust low

Bad vibes, where'd the fun go?

Try to open up and love more.”

“Don’t you miss it?” Jaehyun asked, his face getting soft and gentle. He reached his hand out to mine, holding my finger with a light touch. Our eyes went down in unison, staring as our hands fit perfectly together.

“We’re complicated, indeed. We aren’t sure of who we are. And we don’t even know the reason for that. But doesn’t it all come down to whether we love each other...?” Jaehyun lowered his voice to a whisper, pur noses were now touching as I gulped, closing my eyes for a moment as I inhaled his naturally strong scent that not even his perfume could mask.

“I guess...” I started, breathing heavily. “I guess we’re just scared. I don’t know about you, but I can somewhat admit that I’m scared.”

“It’s been years, Jaehyun. Years since we’ve showed affection for each other yet we never seemed to get anywhere. But I liked it nonetheless. Despite the fact that we were just... stagnant.” I smacked my lips. “Or not perhaps I’d call it going back and forth.”

At that moment, I thought of us. Jaehyun and I. Years ago. When we first started. I met him here, at the cafe. I got addicted to him from first sight and I’d make it a mental note to visit him everyday and demand that only he should make and serve my orders. That’s how we grew close. Not on campus, but out. We kept our relationship like a little secret. But that was only for the fun of it; for excitement and thrill. I liked that about us. Being alone and only having each other. Turning back time was what I always wished I could do.

“I love you, _____. I missed us. When we were just happy. I guess this all started when I ignored you. I’m sorry for that. And you know I mean it.” Jaehyun couldn’t keep his eyes on me. He constantly looked down or avoided my gaze. He bit his lip intensely, as if trying to hold back tears.

“But if you would let me, I’ll explain it over dinner.” Jaehyun gulped, breathing in as his chest puffed up. I wasn’t quite sure of what to make of this. But in the end, my main goal was to settle this, on a good note. Whether I’d be with Jaehyun in the end or not. I just needed closure.

“Sure.”

Jaehyun offered to meet me at a high end restaurant. Somewhere I’ve never been in years since I was just like any regular college student. Poor.

I didn’t know what to wear. And I guess my outfit seemed to lower itself a lot when I stepped into the restaurant. I glazed my eyes over the place, spotting Jaehyun at the far end wearing his usual all black shirt, jeans, and shoes. A combination that never failed to cup his masculine body perfectly.

“You didn’t have to take me to somewhere this expensive.” I said, sitting down. Jaehyun smiled softly in greeting. “It’s only slightly above average.” He commented.

We ordered our food. It was taking quite awhile to come. “Um.. I suppose I should be giving that um explanation to you now.” Jaehyun spoke up, his hands on the table with his fingers interlocking with each other. I nodded my head, pushing the glass of iced water that was served to us earlier on, bringing it in front of me and leaning forward to take a sip.

“My parents want me and Soo, the girl you saw at the cafe to get together. I honestly didn’t even know why. And I never cared either.” Jaehyun lowered his head, fidgeting his fingers. “And just so you know, I never had feelings for Soo. She has someone else. The two of us agreed that we’d still maintain our private lifes and not let it interfere us.”

I bit my lower lip. I could tell he was telling the truth, that he was being sincere. It made my heart soften. But I didn’t want to show it. I didn’t want to seem easy and to just fall for him all over again just from a simple explanation.

“Are you going to do anything to fight back against your parents about it?” I asked, not wanting to say silent throughout.

“I simply told Soo to do something about it since she would have more influence on them than me.” Jaehyun leaned in, again his hand creept up on mine. He held my hand in his, bringing it up slowly and planting a light kiss on my fingertips. A gesture that I only ever knew would feel this amazing because its him. He was the only person I’ve met to have such a gentlemanly feature.

“Can we slowly... get back to how we were? I know it’s my fault. I know you won’t forgive me immediately. Do whatever you want with me. Whatever decision you choose, I’ll just have to accept it.” Jaehyun whispered, his voice growing quiet with each word as he looked down to my hand and caressed it with his thumb. I could still feel his kiss lingering on the tips of my fingers.

I brought my hand up to his chin, lifting his head up and eyes off the table, forcing him to look me in the eye. I leaned in and kissed his cheek, letting my lips stay there for a long moment before pulling away. I could see Jaehyun smiling slightly at my touch. He thought he could cover it up with a cough, making me giggle softly.

“I’m not forgiving you just yet. But I do admit that I missed how we were two years back.”

[andilovetowrite]

Enemies (To) and Girlfriends

NPeter Parker x Stark!Reader

Summary: Peter and Y/N are at each other’s throats all day. Every minute of every hour of every day. They hate each other. For whatever reason, these two brilliant minds absolutely despise the other one. At least, that’s what everyone believes.

Warnings: Suggestiveness and some bad words. Lots of fluff though

Here is my Masterlist in case you want to find more of my work :)

For as long as anyone can remember, you and Peter had hated each other. Well, hate is a strong word. You both had a mutual dislike for each other, and as years went by, the status of your relationship skyrocketed from people who can’t talk to each other, to people who can’t stop screaming at each other. You two had been friends for years when you were younger. But when Peter was recruited for Spiderman 6 years ago by your dad, you couldn’t help but hate his decision. It was a dangerous life, and you didn’t want him to be on the field. You’d rather have him safely tucked away in his room, where May could keep an eye on him, and he could have sandwiches with Ned.

Unfortunately, he thought the same thing for you. He accepted the job, not only to save and protect Queens but to protect you as well. Just like what you thought of him, he felt the same of you. He believed that a 14-year-old shouldn’t have been fighting every night against drug dealers, mob lords and god damn aliens. You should have been having movie marathons and singing karaoke on Fridays, not trying to stay alive.

You remember the night you both fought vividly enough.

It had just been when Tony had come to Peter’s house to bring him to Germany. You didn’t even know that your dad had gone over to Peters. For all he knew, Peter was just another school friend of yours who was wooed by the fact that you were Y/N Stark.

When your dad had finished talking to Peter, they both called you, Peter from his room, and your dad from the car.

“Y/N, you won’t believe who I just saw-”

“Y/N, I think you’ll be thrilled with who I just met-”

And that was the start of the issue. You had hung up on your dad when you heard Peter’s voice, and boy, were you glad you hung up on Tony. Because he wouldn’t have been delighted to listen to what came out of your mouth.

“What the fuck?”, you had asked, shocked. Running downstairs while still on the call with Peter, you had grabbed your suit, activating it as quick as possible. “What do you mean ‘coming with me to Germany’? You know that it’s just for Avenge-”

“That’s the coolest thing! Your dad just recruited me for the mission. But I think I sounded dumb. I mean, I said something about homewor-”

“Wait, hold up, recruited?!”

Flying next to his house, you saw the opened window. De-activating your metal armour and jumping in. You stood up, dusted off your arms and looked at Peter, tilting your head to ask him what the hell was going on.

Peter nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, he came in, showed me a couple videos and asked me if I wanted to go with him to Germany. Not sure what’s gonna happen thought… “

You shook your head, shocked at the idea. “You are so stupid!”

Peter scratched the back of his head, not understanding what you were saying. “Yeah, I feel like I should know, but I haven’t really been following some media stuff…”

“No! Yo-you can’t go there! You can’t go to Germany!”

Peter looked confused, his lips sucked in. “Why? You’re going, plus… Mr Stark needs me!”

“Peter. You. Can’t. Go. There.” You shook your head, aghast at the idea of putting Peter in harms way. “Do-do you even know who’s gonna be there?! Captain America, Winter Soldier…Hawkeye! They are much more stronger than you…they could kill you!”

Peter looked down, but then glanced back up at you. “What about you then? They will hurt you as well! You are on the same team as me, aren’t you? How do you know they aren’t gonna kill you?”

You crossed your arms, scoffing. “They’ve known me for years Peter! At most, I just gotta keep the opposite team away from my dad and Nat. You? They don’t know you are a 14 year old kid. They will try their be-best to hurt you, because they don’t know what you could do?”

Peter glanced at his suit, then back at you, his face hardened. “Wh-why don’t you want me to do this Y/N?! This- this suit…Spiderman…. It’s the first real thing in my life since Be- his death. Why don’t you want me to pursue this? I-I could protect the city, make sure no one gets hurt.” He looked at you, his face disappointed. “I thought you, of all people, would be happy to work with me…”

You sighed, sitting down on his bed, frustrated. “Peter, this- this hero gig… saving the city… protecting lives. It’s alot of work… guilty and pain. Physical and mental.” You looked at him, worried. “You aren’t gonna be able to save everyone Pete. This comes with alot of hardships. I-I was born into this world, of fighting and crime fighting. Yo-you are just Peter Parker. You could go high places, just stay on the ground.” You looked at him, trying to make him understand.

But it didn’t work. He just laughed unbelievably. “Wha- Y/N, I-I’m not just Peter Parker anymore! I’m also Spiderman. I have been Spiderman for months. And I love it! I love saving people and helping them. Why don’t you think I can do this?!”

You gaped at him. “What-why would you- Peter! I love you helping people, but why don’t you just stay on the ground? Help people find lost cats and walk old ladies down to the grocery store? Why do you want to go fight people who might die any second? Be part of a group that might die any second!”

“Be-because you are part of that group! I have to be able to take care of you Y/N! Now that I finally can!”

You took in a deep breath and walked closer to the window, picking up the small bracelet you wore to change into your suit. “Peter, I can manage myself. You can’t! Leave the big stuff to other people.”

“Like who?!”

“The Avengers!”

Peter opened his mouth to argue but you beat him to it. “You aren’t part of the Avengers Peter! As much as you want to be! I know you have a talent, but why not just stick to being the friendly neighborhood Spiderman for now?”

Peter clenched his jaw, and diverted his eyes. You knew what that meant. He wasn’t budging on his decision. So you said the only thing that came to your mind.

“Peter, if I see you on the battlefield in a few days, th-then don’t bother saying hi, got it?” You both knew what this was implying, but neither of you wanted to back down, both too stubborn. All the 14-year-old-you could do, was hope you wouldn’t see any sign of the red and blue hero when you landed in the airport in Germany.

Sadly, the minute that your father had called out “Underoos!”, you had a sinking feeling in your stomach that things would not be the same any longer.

And it wasn’t. For the rest of your lives…

6 years later (Avenger’s compound)

“Fuck you, Peter Parker.”

“Oh, you wish!”

You laughed comically, glaring at him. “Oh please, I feel so bad for any one who actually does. Well, you know, if you can even fuck someone…”, you said, gagging exasperatedly. Peter’s glare tightened as his adam’s apple moved up and down.

“Hmm, at least I have a girlfriend, who do you have?”

“Please! I have half of New York after me!”

Peter looked hurt for a moment, but then his steel gaze returned. “I didn’t think some one could be as obnoxious as you, but guess once in a while, I’m proven wrong.”

“Really? Because I’m pretty sure everybody proves you wrong. Well… at least they prove your nerdy science theories wrong.” You knew this was crossing the line. You could insult his physique, his bed skills, his flirting skills…but never his academic skills.

You could practically see smoke pouring out from his ears, and so could everyone else.

“Oh shit”, muttered Sam from behind you, poking Bucky’s stomach. “Fight’s gonna go down, for sure.”

Bucky looked indifferent, probably used to us, but when he saw Peter’s red face, he backed up, hands up. “Damn, this is gonna be a bad one. You wanna stay and watch or get out before we both get killed?”

“Well I think-”, Sam began, but was cut off by you and Peter starting to yell at each other.

“You are a complete asshole!”

“At least I’m not a spoilt brat!”

“Oh, you did not just go there!”

“Yeah... I did, what are you gonna do-?” He looked you in the eye and muttered out the next word, almost whispering. “Brat?”

You gave a harsh growl and lunged at him, almost knocking down a vase on the table. He quickly jumped out of the way, arms snapping back at you. You could see Sam and Bucky running out of the room, yelling at other people in the tower to evacuate.

You turned around to see Peter, standing there, a smug smirk appearing on his lips as he pulled his webshooters out of his pocket, shooting them at you before you could react.

“Hmph”, you grunted, being pushed back against the wall. Peter leisurely walked to you, as if he was a tiger pouncing on his prey. His eyes were dark as he smiled at you cruelly.

He was really close to you, and he could have done what ever he wanted if he had reached you… Too bad you were more of the type of predator rather than prey.

You felt your knife spurt out of your wrist as it cut through the webs. Untangling yourself, you jumped with ease, twisting your arms and legs around Peter, as you both tumbled to the ground. Peter groaned, trying to get up, but you just pushed your weight further on him, jumping on his chest, straddling him.

“Can you get off?”, he asked, his voice strained. You smiled, knowing you had won. Coming close to his face, you smirked cheekily, before whispering in his ear. “You think they bought it?”

Peter smiled at you, kissing your neck. “Of course, we are great actors…”

You pulled back, kissing him back, fingers tangling in his curls. “Sorry…. Bout’… the theories thing”, you said between kisses, pulling back to make sure he was fine.

“Yeah, that was a good touch. What about the brat?”

You laughed hotly, moving down. “I loved it…probably more than I should have”, you said against his neck.

“Oh is that it? Well, there was one thing I didn’t agree with.” He flipped you over, pining your arms above your head. “You don’t think I can fuck my girlfriend well?” Just as he was about to reach down to catch your lips, you heard a glass shatter. Looking up, you saw the group, everyone having shocked face and Tony in the front, mouth wide open.

“What the FUCK-”

——————————————————————————————————

Tagged: @idkatee @eternalscribblesforthesoul @loudbluepancake @poisondevotion @scram1326 @t-hollanderr @305weasley @starknik22 @marvelfansworld @lou-la-lou @lomlparker @marvelfansworld @wowitsel @vanteguccir @fullcheesecakeengineer @ladykxxx08 @allegras-sunflower @a–1–1–3

Loved writing this one! Always wanted to try Enemies to Lovers, so I hope you enjoyed it! See you next time :)

[wayward-dreamer]

Life’s Lessons - Part 2

Title: Life’s Lessons - A Lesson in Fitting In

Pairing: Mechanic!Dean x Female!Teacher!Reader (eventual)

Other Pairings: Dean x Lisa, Female!Reader x OMC – Ethan (past, mentioned)

Other characters: OFC’s: Emily Charlton; Olivia; Katie (Y/N’s best friend)

Word Count: 4,778 (song lyrics in italics). 

Part Summary: Y/N has survived her first week in a new town. However, after discovering that Dean and Lisa are in fact a couple, she wants nothing more than to lock herself up in her house. The neighborhood Saturday barbecue comes around, and Y/N finds herself by his side when Lisa isn’t around. Their conversation brings up some thoughts for her about Dean and Lisa’s so-called ‘perfect’ relationship.

Warnings: swearing, slight angst, reader misses her family, mentions of past family struggles, mentions of reader’s ex.

Music: All The Pretty Girls by Kaleo (Y/N unpacking scene), Howling at Nothing by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats (BBQ scene), You Make Loving Fun by Fleetwood Mac (Dean and Y/N conversation).

A/N: Here’s Part 2! I’m so glad everyone liked the first part, and it’s been great to hear what you think about what might happen! Keep sending your theories and thoughts in, I love hearing what y’all think! Happy reading! :)

Dividers by the wonderful @firefly-graphics! Check her out for all your AU needs!!! 

Y/N’s first week didn’t go as great as she expected.

She naively thought things would be good after the first day, which had started a little wonky but ended up being better once she met Cas and Charlie. She had become really friendly with them, and she was glad that they were a highlight of each day. Her 7th graders were great, but she had to do a lot of work with them to make them come out of their shells. Her 8th graders on the other hand… she just didn’t understand how to get through to them. Some of them were loud and disruptive, a couple of them were bullying another girl, and others just didn’t seem to care at all. Ben was a good kid, but he got easily swayed by the loud ones. They had so much potential, and they had to start being better if they were ever going to survive high school.

She walked out of the grocery store, pushing a shopping cart with two heavy brown bags. After finishing up at school, she decided to go and buy a few essentials plus some stuff to make dinner. She was looking forward to a nice meal she cooked and a glass of wine, maybe two. As she drove through town to get home, she smiled. Despite everything, Lawrence was a peaceful town. She had to hope that she could strap in and really get through to the kids, so that living here would be worth it.

As she drove down her street, she smiled as she saw Dean sitting on his porch steps. She pulled into her driveway and got out of the car, smiling as she saw him talking on the phone. She walked over to her trunk and opened it, picking up the two bags in there. She left the trunk open, as she struggled to hold the bags, cursing the guy at the check-out for filling them so much to save on bags. Suddenly, there was a pressure on one of the bags, as it ripped at the bottom, not being able to handle the weight of the items. Two cans fell and started rolling down her driveway.

“Shit!” she yelled, as she manoeuvred the bags and tried to hold them both in one arm.

Dean, who was still on the phone as he sat on the porch steps, saw everything from across the street.

“Sammy, let me call you back” He quickly hung up the phone and rushed across the street. He got to the end of the driveway just in time and swept up the rolling cans. Y/N saw him and beamed, relieved.

“Thank you” she breathed heavily.

“No problem, can’t have run away cans on the street” he smiled, as he continued to hold them. “Here, let me get that for ya.”

He picked up the broken bag from her arm and held it, his hand at the bottom.

“Between my furniture and my groceries, I think you’re my savior” she laughed.

Dean shook his head, a smirk on his face. “I take the job very seriously.”

“I hope that call wasn’t important?” she asked, knowing he had been on the phone with someone.

“Nah, just my pain in the ass little brother. It’s okay, he’ll get over it” he replied, laughing slightly.

Y/N laughed with him, getting lost in his green eyes again. He looked even more sexy and handsome today, now wearing a red and black plaid shirt on top of a black t-shirt and dark blue jeans. She had told herself she’d wait to ask him for dinner, and now she couldn’t think of a more perfect time, having just saved the items for dinner.

“Hey, um… are you doing anything tonight? I was going to make dinner for myself but if you’re free-” she started to ask but got cut off by a voice coming from his house.

“Dean!” a female voice called as she came out onto his porch.

Y/N’s heart sunk as Ben’s mother, Lisa, came out and looked around. When she spotted him, she waved him in.

“Can you help with dinner?” she asked and then walked back inside the house. Y/N had never seen which house Lisa and Ben had come from that day, so this was shocking. The guy she was kind of crushing on was Lisa’s boyfriend. Ben’s dad. Fucking great.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize-” Y/N started but Dean shook his head.

“It’s okay, Y/N. I should go” he helped her take the bags inside the house and then awkwardly stood there.

“I’ll see ya around” he gave her a quick nod before he rushed off, before she could say anything.

Y/N frowned as she closed the door behind him. She leaned her head against it as she groaned. Why did she have to start liking him without knowing his situation? She moved away from the door and walked into the kitchen. She was going to get started on dinner for one and try to stop thinking about her ridiculously good-looking neighbor.

Dean walked into his house, finding Lisa in the kitchen. She had a blank expression on her face, as she chopped up the vegetables.

“What do you need?” he asked.

“Why were you talking to Y/N?” she asked in return, abruptly.

Dean blinked a few times, confused by her question. “She was just struggling with some broken grocery bags. I helped her.”

“Whatever” she mumbled, as she moved away to the stove.

Dean shook his head, walking out of the kitchen and to the backyard. Lisa was suddenly in one of her moods and he needed to get away. He usually hid out in the garage until things cooled down with her.

Y/N was thankful to have finished her first week and now move into another Saturday. She still had a few boxes that needed to be emptied, having done most of them last week and then sporadically through the week. She was going to do that in the morning and then look over her plans for the next week of school, before chilling that night and having a drink.

After a quick breakfast and putting on one of her phone playlists this time, she got started as her favorite Kaleo song came through the speakers. She smiled sadly as she put up some of the pictures she hadn’t yet, her heart aching knowing she had left her family behind. One of her with her sister and parents. One of her sister and brother-in-law with her nieces; the younger one having just been born before Y/N had to leave. One of just her and her sister. This was the one thing that made her regret leaving: her family. She stepped back as she looked at the photos on the mantel above the fireplace, remembering all the wonderful times she had with her loved ones.

The doorbell rang, interrupting her thoughts. As she walked to the door, Y/N looked up at the clock, seeing it was 12.30pm already. She opened the door, her smile becoming a bit forced once she saw it was Emily Charlton, one of her middle-aged divorced neighbors. She had already been over several times that week with baked goods, which she ended up feeding to the birds after one bite.

“Hi, Emily. What can I do for you?” she asked, politely and hoping the woman would leave soon.

“I’m just here to find out if you got the fliers in your mail about the barbecue today” she replied, her big white teeth beaming.

“Oh, yeah, I did see that” Y/N said, remembering the two fliers she had received.

“Well, it’s at Sid and Olivia’s and starts at 1, and it would be good for everyone to meet you” Emily continued to smile. She pointed at the house, then primped her blonde hair with her long acrylic nails.

Y/N rolled her eyes while she wasn’t looking. “I’m sorry, Emily, I can’t. I just have a lot of work to do-” she started but Emily waved a finger, her fake nails looking like they could gauge an eye out.

“Nonsense, I absolutely insist on you coming to lunch. There’s still so many on the street you haven’t met yet” she insisted.

Y/N sighed, shaking her head. It was better to give in than keep arguing. “Sure.”

Emily laughed in a high pitch tone, making Y/N cringe. “Wonderful!”

“Great” she mumbled, under her breath.

“So, we’ll see you soon, and uh” Emily looked her up and down, causing Y/N to frown. She looked down at herself, dressed in just a loose, plain red t-shirt and her boyfriend jeans. Emily smiled one more time, fake as ever, before she strutted off.

Y/N closed the door, wanting to shut everyone and everything out, but she wasn’t going to do that. She was going to glam herself up and go to the barbecue, to rub it in Emily Charlton’s face that she could be fake all she wanted, it wasn’t going to affect her.

She frowned as she thought about how she shouldn’t go there empty-handed. If she did, she’d probably be the talk of the street and be highly judged for it. She normally didn’t care what people thought of her, but in this case, if she could avoid it, she would. It was better to be slightly late. Plus, who showed up right on time, anyway? She quickly searched around in her kitchen cupboards and found a box of Betty Crocker brownies in her pantry. She quickly made the pre-mix. She smiled. She was good, even in a time crunch. No one needed to know they were from a box. She put the brownies into the oven and set the timer.

Y/N showered and washed her hair, drying it into a natural, summer-y look once she got out. She got dressed into a red, cap sleeve summer dress, with a small white flower print on it. Looking at the clock, she saw that it was 1pm.

When the timer went off, she walked back into the kitchen and took out the brownies, waiting for them to cool. She went back into her room and applied her make-up, keeping it simple with a little foundation, some mascara and a little lip gloss. She put on her wedge heels and her small bag across her body. After a few minutes when she was dressed and ready, she cut the brownies and put them in a container. She put her sunglasses on, before walking out of the house. She locked up and put her keys in her bag, climbing down her porch stairs before walking down the street.

Y/N was nervous to be around so many people, hearing the sounds of music and laughter coming from Sid’s house. Especially if most of those people turned out to be like Emily Charlton, but she couldn’t let them scare her if they were. She wouldn’t let anyone overwhelm her and push her around again. She had suffered enough the first time, and she wouldn’t let it happen again.

She saw some people walk in through the side entrance to the backyard, as some older teens played touch football in the front yard. Y/N followed behind those people, looking out for Sid or Olivia. She looked around the large backyard as Nathaniel Rateliff crooned away from the large speaker on the back porch. She had seen them around, Emily telling her who they were, so Y/N hoped she could spot them properly and didn’t confuse them for someone else. Luckily, she heard Emily’s high pitched “Olivia!” and saw her hugging another blonde woman.

Y/N walked over, putting her sunglasses on her head. She smiled as she approached Olivia, laughing to herself as her face looked just as uncomfortable to be around Emily.

“Olivia, hi. I’m Y/N” she said, smiling.

“Oh yes, so good to finally meet you” Olivia smiled, shaking her hand. “Emily told me about you, welcome to the neighborhood.”

“Hello again, Y/N” Emily’s fake smile beaming once again.

“Hi” Y/N nodded at her before turning back to Olivia. “I thought I’d bring a little something.”

She handed over the container.

“Oh, you didn’t have to, but thank you. Okay, Sid’s handling the grill and there’s already plenty, so please help yourself. Can I get you a beer? Wine? Something stronger to deal with Emily?” Olivia laughed, when Emily had walked off to speak to someone else.

Y/N’s eyes widened with surprise, as she laughed too. She liked Olivia already.

“A beer would be great” she continued to laugh.

Olivia bent down and took a beer out of an ice bucket. She opened the lid with a bottle opener and handed it to her.

“So, what do you do, Y/N?” Olivia asked, as she sipped her wine. She started walking towards the food table and Y/N followed beside her.

“I’m an English teacher, junior high” Y/N replied, before taking a sip of her beer.

Olivia stopped and smiled at her, a fondness in her eyes, which Y/N would’ve found strange but something about her look was pleasant.

“My mom was an English teacher. She passed last year, but it still feels like yesterday” Olivia quietly told her.

“I’m sorry, Olivia” Y/N gave her a sad smile. “She must’ve been amazing, if she was anything like her daughter.”

Olivia beamed; her eyes slightly watery. She wrapped an arm around Y/N’s shoulders as they walked towards the food table.

Y/N’s smile dropped when she saw who was standing at the table. Lisa was shifting things around, making place for everything on the table. Dean, who was dressed in jeans and black half-sleeve button-up shirt, came up behind her. She turned her head and kissed him on the cheek. Y/N felt a tightness in her chest but chose to ignore it. Olivia walked over to the table and placed her container down, making some small talk with Lisa. Dean turned his head, smiling when he saw Y/N.

Dean could feel his heart racing. She was stunning, every single thing about her. From her hair, to the way she looked in that summer dress, which had a slit on the side, giving a peek of her smooth leg. He couldn’t be looking at her, not with Lisa standing right next to him. Y/N smiled in return, getting lost in his features yet again. He was so incredibly good-looking, it hurt to look at him.

Y/N looked away from him when Olivia tapped her shoulder. She smiled at her, trying not to let it show that she and Dean had been staring at each other.

“Aren’t they perfect together?” Olivia said, not really seeking a reply as she smiled at Dean and Lisa.

“Yeah.” Y/N smile faltered.

“So, help yourself. I’m just going to check in with Sid and see if he needs anything. I’ll be back” Olivia walked off, leaving her to go to her husband.

Y/N walked closer to the table, trying to smile when Lisa noticed her.

“Hi, good to see you” Lisa smiled. “Can I get you anything?”

Y/N shook her head. “No, I’ll help myself, thanks.”

“Okay” Lisa turned from her to Dean. “I’m just going to check where Ben is, can you plate some for me?” she leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“Sure” he nodded, before grabbing a plate and putting food on it.

Y/N smiled as Lisa walked past her and then looked over at Dean. She didn’t know for sure, but it felt like Lisa was being a bit aloof with her. She chose to ignore it for now. She walked closer to the table, and Dean looked up at her.

“It’s really good to see you” he said. The way he was looking at her was different to how he had been looking at Lisa.

She felt her cheeks get a little hot. “It’s good to see you, too.” Y/N started to put some food on her plate.

“So, how-” he started but was cut off by a shrill voice calling out her name.

“Y/N! Get over here, young lady!” Emily yelled from across the yard. She had a gaggle of middle-aged women around her.

She turned back to Dean; her eyes wide. “Is there any way I can get out of going there?”

Dean laughed. “Afraid not.”

She groaned, as she closed her eyes. “Wish me luck.”

“You don’t need it” Dean smirked.

Y/N opened her eyes, smiling when she saw him smirking at her.

“You can handle a few divorcee’s and housewives” he assured her.

She bit her lip, as she shook her head. Somehow, he had managed to ease her mind. “Thanks.”

Y/N took her plate and beer, throwing her shoulders back and walking over there with confidence. Dean admired her as she walked away, checking her out as her hips swayed. It was dangerous to be doing that with so many people around, but he took his chance. He picked up two plates and walked away from the table, in search of Lisa.

Y/N couldn’t hide the boredom on her face, as the divorcee’s and housewives asked her questions about her life. 

“So, Y/N, are you seeing anyone special?” one woman asked.

“Nope” Y/N answered around a mouthful of hot dog, not really caring about anything other than food at that point.

“Why not? A pretty, young girl like you” equally nosey Jill, added.

Y/N shrugged, still eating. “I just got here and want to take my time, you know?”

Emily shook her head. “No, there’s definitely more to the story. It was a bad break up, wasn’t it? That’s why you moved here.”

Y/N frowned, glaring at Emily. “You know, it’s really not something I want to talk about.”

“Oh, Y/N, if you don’t talk to us, who can you talk to? We’re here to help” Emily gave her the best sympathetic face she could probably muster.

“You know what? You could help me with this” Y/N handed Emily the empty plate. “I’m going to get another beer.”

She didn’t stick around to see the shock on Emily’s face to her abrupt departure and Y/N’s plate in her hand.

Y/N felt the anger simmering in her belly as she walked away. The last thing she needed was advice from that woman. She just wanted to grab a beer and go sit somewhere in the front yard, away from everyone else. She picked up a bottle and opened it, taking a sip as she walked away. She walked out to the front yard and looked around. There was a large tree with good shade near the fence, which would be nice and secluded. As she walked closer, she noticed someone leaning against it. She walked around, smiling when she saw Dean with a beer in his hands.

“Mind if I join you?” she asked.

“‘Course not” he smirked, as he shifted over.

“I seriously had to get away from those women” Y/N groaned, sitting down on the ground next to him.

“Yeah, they’ll do that to ya” he laughed, sipping his beer.

“Well, I handled it like you said” she smiled, holding her bottle towards him.

He nodded, approvingly, clinking his bottle to hers. “Nice.”

A comfortable silence fell between them, as Fleetwood Mac could be heard from the backyard. Y/N looked at him, appreciating his features now that she was closer. Freckles scattered under his eyes and on his nose, and his eyes were even more striking up close.

“So…” she trailed off, thinking of what to ask him. “Did you grow up here?”

He nodded, a small smile appearing on his face. “Yeah, born and raised. My parents are still in the same house we grew up in. My little brother lives in Kansas City with his wife.”

“Are you and your brother close?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s always been me and Sammy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, my parents were good with us, but there were times when they’d fight, and I’d have to look out for him” he replied, looking down at his bottle.

Y/N frowned, and Dean noticed. “Oh, don’t worry, my parents were great, it’s just sometimes… they didn’t see eye to eye, you know? They’re good now, though. Have been for a long time.”

She smiled, seeing how fondly he spoke of his family. They must’ve been close. She was missing hers a lot.

“What about you?” he asked in return.

“I was born and raised in Rhinebeck, New York. No brother, but sister instead. She’s married to a great guy, so he definitely feels like a brother” she told him, a sad smile on her face. “They have two beautiful daughters, one was just born before I left so I’m going to miss seeing her.”

“Wow. From New York to Kansas” he muttered, laughing. She joined in. “Why the big move?” he wondered, as he took another sip of his beer.

“I…” she breathed out, shaking her head. “I needed to get away. It just became… too much.”

Dean nodded, but he understood that that wasn’t the whole story.

“But this is a great town, not too different from back home, so that’s a plus” she said, smiling at him.

Dean smiled in return. “That’s great.”

They looked into each other eyes, and she felt that familiar fluttering in her stomach.

Don't, don't break the spell It would be different and you know it will You, you make loving fun And I don't have to tell you but you're the only one

The words of the song were beginning to freak her out as they maintained eye contact. Y/N quickly looked away. This was unsafe ground they were about to tread.

“How’d you meet Lisa?” she asked, quickly changing the subject.

Dean breathed deep, with a long exhale. “She was here from Indiana visiting some friends, and we met one night at a bar. It was a one-time thing, but then a few months later she moved here with Ben when she got a job opportunity. We met up again… and we’ve been together three years.”

“Wait…” she thought about everything he just said, suddenly confused. “Ben’s-”

“Yeah, he’s… not mine, technically. It feels like he is, though” Dean finished for her.

“Gosh, I really should’ve guessed with the last names” she shook her head, rolling her eyes at herself for not realizing sooner.

“It’s all good, Y/N” he chuckled.

“Well, you guys look really close” she said, trying to sound happy.

“Yeah” he huffed, knowing he and Lisa were far from close these days.

Maybe coming to talk to him hadn’t been such a good idea. She seriously had to start liking a taken guy, didn’t she? At least he wasn’t married. Oh yeah, Y/N. That makes it better she thought, as she closed her eyes at her own stupid thoughts. Though she had to wonder, if things were great between him and Lisa then why was he sitting out here, far away from her?

Dean looked up and looked into her eyes again. Sitting there and talking to her about Lisa just didn’t feel natural. It really did feel like he was living a lie, it had felt like that since way before Y/N showed up.

Y/N quickly looked away from him. She needed to leave. She quickly stood up, dusting her dress off.

“I should really get going. I have a lot of work to do” she said, turning to him as he stood up.

“On a Saturday?” he asked, confused. Dean took the empty beer bottle out of her hand. The brush of his fingers against hers sent a tingling sensation through her arm and over her body.

“Life of a teacher” she quickly joked, pulling her hand away.

Dean huffed a laugh, scratching the back of his neck. “So, I’ll see you around?”

She nodded, a small smile on her face. “Yeah.”

Dean looked back at the back yard, before looking at her. “I better find Lisa.”

“Thanks for the chat” she said, playing nervously with the strap of her bag.

“No problem” he smirked.

He slowly walked backwards and gave her a small wave, before turning and walking away.

Y/N watched him walk to the back yard before she turned and walked down the sidewalk. She quickly made it home, closing the door behind her. She walked into her bedroom, dropping her bag on the chair and then stripped off her dress and shoes. She changed into her large sleep shirt, which came down to just above her knees. She threw her hair up in a bun and walked into her bathroom, taking the make-up wipes to rub off her make-up. She washed her face and wiped it down with a small towel, flicking the light off as she left.

As she went about that routine, her mind was on Dean. Just a short amount of time to talk, a few looks between them, a small touch of his hand against hers, and she couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was an air about him, almost like you could trust him completely. He would take care of you and never let anything happen to you. There was a sadness behind his smile, however, and she could feel that it had something to do with life at home. He and Lisa weren’t the perfect couple they wanted people to see them as.

She walked out into the living room, her phone in hand. She dropped down on the couch, tucking her legs up. She scrolled through her phone, finding the name of her best friend, Katie, and sending her a quick text to see if she could talk. They had been best friends since college, and right now, she needed to talk to her about Dean. Maybe she could give her some advice on how to stop the way she was feeling. When she got a text back saying she could talk, Y/N called her.

“Hey, sweetie” Katie greeted.

Y/N smiled, closing her eyes. “You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice.”

“It’s good to hear yours too. Though… you do sound a bit… off” her friend’s concern was evident in her voice.

Y/N scoffed and thought about what to say. “Well, it’s been a week in a new town… and I already have a guy problem.”

“Wow, that was quick” Katie commented.

“Yeah, well…” Y/N trailed off, playing with the edge of her shirt on her knee. “I wasn’t expecting for it to happen so fast, either. Especially after Ethan.”

“Okay, what’s his name?” Katie asked.

“Dean” a smile grew on Y/N face’s as she said his name, but it quickly dropped. “But before you say anything, he’s with someone and she’s got a kid, who’s practically a son to him.”

Katie let out a whistle. “Wow.”

“Yeah” Y/N agreed.

A silence fell between them, and Y/N knew that Katie was thinking.

“Well, as much as you probably don’t want to hear it, I think you got to let this one go” she said, finally.

Y/N sighed. “You’re right. I was already thinking it. I guess I just needed someone else to say to me, so I didn’t do anything stupid.”

“You’re a far more rational person than I am, so I doubt you would’ve” Katie reassured her.

Y/N huffed, rolling her eyes. “You haven’t seen what he looks like.”

“Well, photos when and if you get the chance” Katie laughed.

Y/N laughed, shaking her head.

They spent another half hour catching up on everything back home. It made Y/N miss everything even more, but she was glad to get the latest news. After they ended their chat, she got up from the couch when she noticed what the time was. She started fixing herself something for dinner, when she heard voices from across the street. She looked out the window, seeing people going home from Sid and Olivia’s.

Y/N watched Dean, Lisa and Ben walk back to their house. Dean and Lisa were holding hands, as Ben walked in front of them. Y/N felt her heart sink, seeing them look like a happy couple. Though it seemed that things weren’t all that great, or at least that was the impression she got from the way Dean looked at her.

Y/N shook her head and went back to making dinner. Once she was done, she settled in on the couch with her plate, a glass of wine and FRIENDS on Netflix.

It was silly of her to think that anything would ever happen with Dean. Even if he wasn’t with Lisa, she had only been around Dean twice. That wasn’t enough time to start thinking of him. This was just a crush, and it would go away soon.

Or so she hoped.

-x-

Tags: @flamencodiva @deanwanddamons @winchest09 @katehuntington @akshi8278 @hobby27 @michellethetvaddict @spngirl05​ @kyjey​ @halesandy​ @440mxs-wife​ @stoneyggirl​ @deanswaywardgirl​ @wonder-cole​ @that-one-gay-girl​ @redbarn1995​ @marianita195​ @babypink224221​ @deans-baby-momma​ @parinarain​ @thoughts-and-funnies​ @mandalou29​ @castiels-a-winchester​

[her-world-on-fire]

Atlas {Jason Todd x Reader}

MASTERLIST

REQUEST HERE

Word Count: 3,720

Prompts: ii. and vii. ❝i am calm. i am nothing but calm all the time.❞ ❝no, you're not. you're fifteen seconds from starting a fight at all times.❞ & ❝i'm surprised you haven't killed him yet.❞ ❝i keep trying but nobody ever let me get that far.❞ 

"JASON CALM DOWN!" I pressed my hand against his chest, looking into his eyes fiercely, we didn't the time for his temper. He broke away and walked away but not before he shot the guy in the leg. "We weren't here, or the next one goes in your brain." He said slowly and then turned back to me. His piercing blue eyes felt almost cold, I blinked in shock. I've seen him angry more times than I can count but this was unsettling."I am calm. I am nothing but calm all the time." He said through clenched teeth, making me scoff as we jumped off of the roof. We broke out into a sprint, by now I regained my composure. "No, you're not. you're fifteen seconds from starting a fight at all times."  Jason was a hothead, he was so angry at the world. He tried his hardest to make sure it was safe at night but he felt like he didn't make a difference so he was pissed off. He was pissed off that so many bad people got to live and kill good innocent people. The bad people got to tear mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, from their families. So his solution ironically was to do the same thing. He would kill those who he thought deserved it. Contradictory but his temper always got the best of him. Normally I would let him be angry, but not tonight. We had an agreement with Bruce, we needed his help. The agreement included no killing. As much as Jason hated it we couldn't do it ourselves this time, it was bigger than us. 

For months we had been trying to investigate why the number of children missing spiked. At first, it was hard to notice. Street kids those who wouldn't be looked for. Then foster kids would be adopted more frequently finally, normal kids began to be abducted. Street kids would never leave each other, they were the closest thing to a family they had. So when they began reaching out to us we got worried and looked into it. We went around Gotham talking to them, they knew who we were and confessed everything. "Something is going on Jay. Something big." We climbed on his bike and went back to our apartment. We had been living together shortly after we started working together. We would always end up together at the end of the night too tired to go back to our own apartment. So we decided to get an apartment together. We each had our own rooms because we needed time apart sometimes. That was one of the most important things I learned. Sometimes you just need to be alone. It can be overwhelming spending so much time with one person. Especially the lack of sleep, and frustrations over unsolved cases, it all just took a toll on us. He took his helmet off and sighed running a hand through his hair. I pulled up my computer and looked into news articles. Of course, nothing had been mentioned about street kids. I was just about to put the paper down when my eyes drifted to a suggestion. 

Percentage of foster kids adopted in Gotham rises

"No fucking way." I breathed, Jason loomed over my shoulder. I looked back at him, we shared a look. This wasn't a coincidence, someone was taking kids. No bodies were being found so why were they being taken? I had a couple of theories already. I stood up from the screen and pulled on  my jacket, "Where are you going?" He asked following after me, keys still in hand. "To find out what the hell is going on." We tried to figure it out ourselves but it seemed like we were always 10 steps behind. So I suggested we get help. Outright, Jason was outraged I even suggested it so I walked away and let him cool down. Sure enough, he came around once he began thinking straight. I handed him his helmet, I had already turned his bike on, I smirked. He tossed his cigarette, "Not a fucking word." He growled as I tossed it to him and he caught it. 

He got on and sped off, to the Wayne Manor. He scowled, as we arrived at the gates. The doors opened and he pulled in, we were greeted by Alfred. "To what do we owe this surprise?" He asked and I elbowed Jason, he remained silent. I rolled my eyes at his immaturity, "It's nice to see you again Alfred. We're here to talk to the boys." Jason turned to me, even angrier than before. Alfred looked between us and I gave him a polite smile as he walked us in. I lowered my voice, "Don't give me that shit. You know the boys are going to listen in if we want them to or not, better they know straight instead of getting crooked details." I rolled my eyes and gave him a begging look. I took my hand in his, I knew this isn't where he wanted to be and I was trying to keep him calm.

He huffed and then we arrived at the study. It took a while to get there since the Mansion was so big. Jason was boiling, he was so dramatic. We were greeted by Bruce, Dick, Tim, and Damian. "Both of you are here this can't be good." Damian commented as Jason growled, "Fuck off, Demon spawn." I gave his hand a squeeze and then looked at him Dick sighed as he and Tim exchanged looks. Bruce was deadly silent, waiting for us to explain why we were there. I wasn't going to speak this time, Jason had to say more than 4 words. I cleared my throat and nudged Jason giving him a stern look. He shuffled forward and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. "We need your help." He said directly looking at Bruce, both holding their glares. It was amazing how incredibly alike they both were, and they refused to see it. I brushed my fingers over his knuckles, they were icy cold. His rings were even colder making a shiver run down my spine. I didn't even know if he was going to agree. Jason lost control the last time Bruce agreed to help us and I had to work without him. Jason was a pain the whole time, he kept asking for information but I wouldn't give it. I knew if I did he would follow and piss Bruce off. Bruce didn't speak for a long time. I assumed he was still holding the grudge. 

"I'll keep him in check." I paused looking at Jason to make sure he didn't make things worse. He pressed his lips together, no doubt restraining himself by biting his tongue. Still, he didn't say a word. "Please we wouldn't bother you if this wasn't important." The two finally looked at me. Tim stepped forward this time, he spoke in a flurry. He stumbled over his words, "You're not bothering its really good to see you. Not just you. But not that it's not good to see you. It's good to uh see you both." I smiled, some of the tension was gone now.  Dick clamped a hand over Tim's mouth to keep him from babbling further. The boys claimed he had a crush, I thought it was sweet. I looked up at Jason if looks could kill. Tim drove Jason crazy. Dick pet Tim and sighed as Damian snickered, "We talked about this Tim, too much caffeine makes you jittery." Dick chimed in a sing-song voice, almost gloating he told him so. "Speak for yourself I don't like seeing these ugly mugs around here." Dick smacked the back of Damian's head and he growled. 

Jason almost pulled me behind him, it was pure instinct. He was already on edge being back at the mansion. He hated being here, he felt so out of place. He felt like a failure the rest of the boys were still under his wing, it was like he was replaced and pushed out. I wouldn't have dragged him here if I didn't think I had to. He was immediately silenced when Bruce put his hand out to shut everyone up. He rubbed his temple and sighed, "Jason is an adult, he should be able to control himself. If he can't and crosses a line again you're both done." Jason gripped my hand tighter, I knew he was seconds away from giving up keeping his mouth shut. His patience by now was paper-thin. I decided it would be best if I did the rest of the talking. "We understand."

Alfred called Bruce away and he excused himself leaving us with the boys. I saw Tim nudge Dick, and raised an eyebrow. I only caught a fragment of what Tim said, "Please, just ask." He rolled his eyes at his brother letting out a long sigh before he turned to me. "Is your wiring still acting up?" This caught Jason's attention, the wiring in the apartment wasn't acting up. He crossed his arms over his chest and waited for my response. I was confused for a moment until it hit me. In my other apartment my lights used to act up, I told Jason about it but he was asleep so I told myself I would tell him later. I never did. "Oh! No, I'm not in the apartment anymore!" I said, making Tim's head drop in shame. I mentioned something about the wiring and Tim most likely wanted to fix it. He seemed very interested whenever there were problems in my apartment, in fact, I'm sure he fixed every broken appliance. It was another reason to move in with Jason. "Oh," Dick said and then looked to Tim, he stepped forward. "You found a new place already?" I looked at Jason. He squirmed under my glare, the boys seemed interested, they could sense it. 

 "Actually, I moved in with Jason." 3 jaws simultaneously dropped. Jason scowled at them and I smirked, "You didn't tell them as I told you to." My voice seemed nice but my eyes were screaming murder. What if they needed me and couldn't reach me? This was something to bring up in private, judging by his look Jason knew that too. Jason turned to me and I pulled his arm and held a finger, "One second," I made it clear that we would continue the conversation later. The boys couldn't hear anything but he was in trouble. There was no hitting so that was a good thing.  Tim whispered, "They moved in together? What does that mean?" Damian rolled his eyes, and Dick sighed. We made our way back to them. "I'm surprised you haven't killed him yet." Damian paused, "And a little impressed you've put up with him for so long." 

"I keep trying but nobody ever let me get that far." There was a swarm of questions I shut my eyes and put my head on Jason's shoulder. My face turned bright red,  Jason smirked and whispered in my ear. "I knew what the fuck I was doing darling." He said slowly taking in the fact that he was right. I underestimated the boys, and he was reveling. He pulled away and gave a short shout. They all stopped clamoring. "God, you guys were going to give me a headache." I brought my fingers to my temple and looked into their eyes. "One at a time please." Dick pushed the two aside murmuring he had privileges. Despite being older, he was just as curious as to his younger brothers. "Why did you move in?" I looked at Jason pleading, and he shook his head. "Not touching these questions with a 10 feet pole." I groaned but accepted my punishment. Maybe there was a reason for the secret. I thought about my answer for a moment then replied, "Well it was more out of convenience. One of us would always end up at the others, and my apartment had bad wiring. So we chose his. He got tired of having to go to mine and get his things. So he suggested it and now we live together." 

Dick looked between us and nodded, satisfied with his answer. It was like an interrogation, and I was taking all of the heat. It was Tim's turn he even raised his hand. I pouted, he looked upset. I never took the whole crush thing seriously. Now I could really see it, this whole time I thought the boys were just teasing him. "Are you two together?" He hesitated and I froze unsure of how to answer. I didn't want to get his hopes up or break his heart but I honestly didn't know what to tell him. It seemed like it, we lived together, we slept together, but we never really talked about it. I looked at Jason he held the same panicked expression. How do could we explain that sometimes we had sex and then never talked about it? I tilted my head to him, to signal for his help. 

He gave me a look, I asked for this. I really did. Nevertheless, he saved me. He too was thinking of the hookups, making him smirk. I covered my face and turned away trying to regain composure. In fact, I knew under Jason's shirt, there were purple marks trailing down his chest and I had ones that matched. He made his higher, and if my shirt were to shift, he could see.  "We need to figure that out ourselves as well," Jason replied. It was a valid answer, Tim didn't seem to torn up about it. My hands absent-mindedly went over to rub my neck. Suddenly, it was hot. Judging by his look, Dick's suspicions were confirmed. Damian broke the silence pushing past Tim. "Do you kill people?" I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. I ran my tongue across my bottom lip. I was so tempted not to answer. I knew it could backfire. Jason looked to me, wondering if he needed to save me again. I shook my head and looked back at Damian. "Due to my past, yes. I try not to now." Growing up in a sketchy place, I learned at a young age you can't depend on people. I fell in with the wrong people and made questionable decisions. However, every time I did kill I felt justified. I used to be as angry as Jason and I lost control a lot. But now working with Jason I calmed down, one of us needed to have a level head and I knew it probably wouldn't be him. I felt dirty now. I really opened a can of worms with that one. When it comes to his brothers I will never doubt Jason again. 

In the next few weeks, we worked closely with the boys.  Each night we got closer, to finding the source. We spent most of our nights in the Batcave tracing leads. Jason was getting antsy, so he went out and patrolled. Lucky that he did, because he caught an abduction as it was happening. "On 45th! They took a group of kids into a van." Jason's voice shouted in my ear. Dick shot up from his seat. The boys pilled into the Batmobile. I took my bike and followed close behind. Jason gave us the coordinates. "How far out are you?" 

"11 minutes."

"We can't wait that long." I could hear the desperation in his voice. He knew exactly what those kids were going through. He was reliving his trauma. "Jason, if we blow this we lose them all. Wait for us. We can't let a single one alert the rest of the group." He went silent. Sensing the urgency we all sped up even more. The Batmobile was easily recognized and most civilians cleared a path. We arrived and saw Jason's bike parked in a nearby lot. He was set up on the roof overlooking the building making sure no one got out. 

"I'm sending the drone," Tim called and released his bird into the air. He guided it into the building giving us a full view of what was inside. Children were in cages, surrounded by men with guns. In the center of the room, there was a table with computers. "They're waiting for the signal." Dick looked at all of us. "This has to be flawless. No mess-ups. We get one shot." 

"Tim, I want you on those computers. I want to know everything on there. The rest of us have one job. Make sure no one gets away." Having received our orders we all grouped up. Tim ran another scan of the building. "Two from the roof, one from the back door, and two from the front." Jason and I took the roof, Dick took the back door and Damian and Tim took the front. 

We all waited for the signal. "Now." Dick spoke into the comms. All at once, we each infiltrated the building. Tim went straight for the men by the computers. He took them out with ease and then uploaded his drive into the computer. Damian kept anyone away from the table. Jason and I focused on the guards who were standing by the children. We were mindful of their weapons and kept them away from the children. 

Each of the men was bounded, ready for the GCPD. "Which one of you fuckers has the key?" Jason asked looking at each one of the men. Neither of them spoke a word. "Fine." He grabbed the closet man and took his hand. He took his index finger and in a swift movement pulled it back. An agonizing scream came from the man, and a loud cracking noise followed right after. I moved to Jason, "Do you really want to traumatize them even more?" He thought for a moment and then looked back at the man. "What about this one?" He grabbed his ring finger and then man yelped. "It's him!" He pointed to a blonde man across the room. I went over and reached in his pockets, sure enough, there was a key. I breathed a sigh of relief and began releasing the children. "How much longer on the drive?" Dick questioned Tim, "30 seconds." 

Dick nodded and looked at me. "Alfred I need GCPD and medical." 

"Right away, ETA is 3 minutes." 

Jason took the same man by the collar and dragged him out of the room. I followed after him. "GCPD will be here in 3 minutes. We stopped them. We know where all their warehouses are, and everything we need is on that drive." I whispered to him but he didn't budge. "I only need 2. This one's a talker." He moved away and then looked at the man. "Who do you report to?" 

"He'll kill me, he knows everything-" Jason didn't let him finish before he landed a devastating blow right to his face. "I don't have time for this. What is his name?" He grabbed his hair and held his face up. Blood trickled down his cheek. "But my-" Once again another blow landed on his face. The man coughed up blood, Jason didn't ask again. He waited for another few seconds. As he went to strike him again, the man pleaded. "Wait! David Benjamin." He managed to get it out. 

--------------------------------------------------

Jason and I only got to stick around briefly. Our relationship with the police wasn't as amicable. Due to our spotty record, we had warrants out for our arrest. Once the children were taken by the EMTs we went back to our apartment. Jason was sitting on the fire escape. He still hadn't changed. The blood still seeping in his clothes. "Hey, come in." Jason looked down and obliged. Once he got in I shut the blinds. I guided him into the bathroom. "Let's get these off." I slowly took off his gloves, he inhaled deeply. I looked over them, they were bloody and raw. I sighed and turned on the warm water. "The rest of these too." My hands moved to his shirt and I pulled I off over his head. There were a few small cuts, but nothing that needed stitches. 

Jason had been silent. I knew what was bothering him. He was thinking about those kids, he saw himself in each one of them. I guided him to the shower and helped him take off the rest of his clothes. I helped him into the shower and once he was under the warm water, it was like he was out of his trance. "Get in here." 

I hadn't changed either. I was too worried about him. He was admitting that he needed the company. I agreed and stripped off my clothes. We both stood under the warm water. Neither of us spoke as we washed away the deeds of the night. 

Once we got out of the shower we got dressed and sat on the bed. "We did it, Jason. They're safe now." 

"I know." He said softly. I took his hands and gently ran my fingers across them. He sighed and looked at me. "Let's go to bed." I moved to the lamp by the bed and shut it off. I pulled the covers on the bed back and climbed into bed. I sighed and felt the warmth comfort me. My body ached, but it was worth it. I felt Jason tug me closer to him. I moved closer and rested my head on his chest. He ran his fingers through my hair absentmindedly. "Thank you." I looked up at him and he exhaled. "I don't know what I would do without you." He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on my lips. His other hand moved around me and rested on my side. "I love you."

"I love you, Jay." 

After weeks of restlessness, Jason finally closed his eyes and slept peacefully.

MASTERLIST

REQUEST HERE

[canvas-the-florist]

Two Halves Make a Whole

Ship(s): Romantic Logince, Background Platonic Moxiety, Platonic Dukeceit, Creativitwins (they’re all friends okay I make the rules)

Warnings: Swearing, blood mention and mutilation of meat, alcohol mention, NSFW mention (not that much just like… saying someone had sex in a sentence), food mention, possible second hand embarrassment

Summary: The thing about idioms is that Logan has a hard time understanding them metaphorically, and tends to stick with the more logical reasons. Which can be confusing to the others when he starts calling Roman his “other half”. (Thank you to @hteragram-x for letting me use their post as inspiration <3)

Word Count: ~2.7k

-

   They had just finished up recording a video. Something about accepting trauma and accepting that you’re allowed to move on from it. Thomas went up to his room for a nap while Patton walked over to sit by Virgil on the stairs. Roman wrapped his arm around Logan’s shoulders with a big smile. “You did so well, Pocket Protector! Not as well as me but I’m sure you’ll catch up soon!”

   Logan rolled his eyes and moved out from under Roman’s arm and crossed his. “Thanks. You were… adequate as well. Despite messing up a three sentence line five times.”

   Roman let out a loud scoff attracting the attention of Patton and Virgil. Patton covered up a laugh with a cough that wasn’t very convincing. “It was a very difficult line, Logan! How dare you accuse Creativity of messing up!”

   “Did Princey mess up another line?” Virgil asked from his place on the stairs. Patton punched his arm, muttering that it was rude. “I’m just asking a question, Pops. I’m not intending to be mean.”

   “Virgil!” Roman was red in the face with embarrassment and turned back to Logan who had a small smile. Roman’s face softened slightly over his little giggle before remembering he was supposed to be upset. “Logan you sicked Virgil on me!”

   “I do not believe that Virgil is sick. If he is, we should attend to that immediately.”

   “That was an expression, Alan Boring.” Roman corrected. “Do you want me to add a vocab card?”

   “Yes, thank you.” Roman gave a thumbs up and sunk out. Logan walked over to the remaining sides. “Well, my other half is working on that I believe we should cover what to do to keep Thomas healthy during the editing process for the video.”

   Virgil fell down a step causing Patton to fall to the ground completely. Virgil coughed and moved back up while Logan just looked confused. “Your other half?”

   “Yes?” Logan pulled out a vocab card. “There is a theory that the brain is composed of two parts, logic and creativity. Two halves making a whole person. While this is not factual I thought the idiom would work with Roman and myself. Is that not correct?”

   “Logan-” Virgil started but Patton cut him off.

   “That’s really sweet that you’re picking up nicknames like Roman and I! I’m sure that Roman would appreciate it. Too bad he wasn’t here to see or understand your quip.”

   At this point Roman showed up with about three index cards in his hands. He walked over to the others staring at his cards as he moved. “Okay so I made the card but then I got distracted and doodled on these ones but I think they turned out okay. So, I want Patton’s validation on- Wait are you guys talking about the schedule without me? Rude.”

   “My apologies, Roman, we haven't covered anything important yet as I had to explain a joke but I would like your contributions to this conversation as well.” Logan gave a smile and Roman tightened his grip on the cards. “Are you going to hand me the card, Roman?”

   “Oh yeah, here you go.” Roman had a crush and didn’t want to do shit about it.

   The talk took awhile. Especially after Janus and Remus joined which was just chaos disguised as two sides. But that wasn’t the only chaos afoot! A few hours after the meeting and a lot hours past when Thomas should have been asleep, Virgil walked to Patton’s room, knocking on the door softly. Worried that he was too quiet he was about to knock again when the door swung open. Virgil quickly backed up to avoid accidentally punching Thomas’s morality.

   “Uh, hey Patton. Can we talk?” He asked, now fidgeting with his hands.

   Patton gave a concerned look but nodded and moved out of the way to let Virgil in. He closed the door and turned to Virgil with a comforting smile. “You seem nervous, kiddo. Why don’t you hold one of those plushies? That usually helps me.”

   He grabbed a bean filled one that looked like a tiny elephant without a mouth and beads for eyes. Virgil tossed it in between his hands for a few moments while Patton sat down across from him. “I’m just going to get into it before I talk myself out of it. Why didn’t you tell Logan about him using a pet name for Roman?”

   Patton blinked before smiling. “Oh, I wasn’t expecting that. Well, that’s an easy one Virgil! I think that this will be good for Logan. Using nicknames is something that an emotional side would do. This might be his way of opening up.”

   “Are… Are you sure? This seems more like… Deceit’s thing.”

   “Well, his name is Janus, Virgil and we don’t see eye to eye but I think that Logan becoming honest with his emotions is a good thing. You don’t agree and you can tell him if you want. I won’t take that from you. Just consider it.”

   Virgil held the elephant up to his face and sighed. He pulled up his legs so he was able to rest his chin on his knees. “I guess it would be embarrassing to know you’ve been using a word with romantic connotations without knowing it…” He made direct eye contact with Patton who was listening to what Virgil had to say. “You think this is going to be good for him?” He nodded and Virgil dropped his legs back to the ground. “Okay, we won’t tell him. I’ll tell him if he asks but if you think this is the right thing to do, I trust you.”

   “Thank you, Virgil.”

-

   Janus, Roman, Logan, and Patton were having a picnic in the imagination. Virgil and Remus decided not to go for separate reasons. Virgil mumbled something unintelligible and hissed at Janus before sinking out quickly while Remus was busy painting over a copy of Vincient Van Gogh’s “Two Rats” with what seemed to be blended pork rinds and blood. Janus had a cup of wine, Patton had a capri-sun, Roman had a lemonade, and Logan just had water. They were having a… civil conversation on whether 100 lions or 100 pokemon would win in a fight.

   “Bitch you know that pokemon would win!” Roman yelled pointing at Janus dramatically, who was nursing his wine. “They have magic powers! Lions are just animals!”

   Janus took a sip and let out a laugh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Pokemon are over glorified rats at most.”

   “Why do they have to fight at all?” Patton asked, pretending not to enjoy Janus and Roman having a conversation that wouldn’t end in tears. He was genuinely upset about the fighting even if it meant two of his friends were finally interacting. “Couldn’t they just be friends?”

   “Do I have to be the one to point out that pokemon don’t exist?”

   Roman stuck out his tongue and picked up his glass again. “It’s the principle of the thing.”

   “Very well, if my other half says so. The lions would win.” Logan reached for an orange slice calmly as Janus raised an eyebrow. Roman was so offended by Logan’s side of the story that he didn’t even notice Patton trying not to choke on his drink.

   “Oh so you’re on the Lying King’s side?”

   “Lions hunt in a group and as I understand pokemon they fight one at a time in a turn based system. For a fight the lions would have a higher advantage.” Logan put the slice in his mouth while Roman narrowed his eyes.

   “What about legendaries?!”

   The fight continued for thirty minutes and Patton decided that the picnic was over. Janus came back to the dark side and hung up his cape in his room. He turned to Remus. “How did the painting go?”

   “Oh just wonderful, the entrails made a smiley face! Look!” Remus held up the canvas too close to Janus’s face. He took a step back and looked it over. If it wasn’t covered in guts it did look rather intriguing and interesting to look at. Janus clapped his hands together.

   “It looks amazing, Remus. Better than the original!” Janus wasn’t lying (for once) because it was just a shitty thing to do when someone is asking for feedback on art.

   “Thanks Jan! How’d the orgy with the light sides and my brother go?”

   Janus shrugged. “Just detestable. The sandwiches lacked but I did find out some information. Were you aware that your brother and Logic are dating?”

   Remus put his hands to his cheeks with an over dramatic gasp. “You’re telling me that little Roman is boning the nerd?! This is the best thing that’s happened since radiation poisoning!”

   “Yeah, I agree. So, want to watch Into the Woods?”

   “Is that even a question dipshit?!”

-

   Roman, Remus, and Logan were going over the storyboards for the next Sanders Sides. Creativities and Logic. It was going well, and Roman was feeling confident that it was going to be fun, even if they definitely weren’t getting it out on time. Logan got up and stretched.

“We’ve been working for two hours and 37 minutes we should take a break. I will bring us snacks. Do you want anything?”

   “Strawberries.”

   “No thanks I brought my own.”

   “Okay, strawberries for my other half and an empty glass for Remus.”

   “Thanks Logan!” Roman hadn’t taken his eyes off the notes, scanning for any discrepancies or something that could be done better while Remus looked over his shoulder taking a bite of deodorant. They stayed in silence for a second before Roman felt Remus staring at him and finally looked up. “What?”

   “So how long have you and Logie-Poo been having sex?”

   “I… what? We’re not- Why would you assume that???” Roman’s face went red and looked incredulously at his brother.

   “Jan-Jan told me that you and Logan have been ‘dating’ two weeks ago. And he just called you ‘his other half’ like a gay person. Are you not…” Remus made a lewd gesture with his hands.

   “No! We’re not… Wait… his other half? Did, did Logan really call me that?”

   “Wow! You’re really oblivious!”

   “Umm, shut up!” Roman’s face turned red as he hid it in his hands, completely flustered and unsure how to react to the situation. Had Logan been hitting on him for two weeks? Had it been longer than that? Remus laughed at him and hit his back. Roman rolled his eyes and sat back up. “What should I even do about this? I’m kind of tempted just to hide this in the back of my head for five years or some sort of grand gesture… Those are romantic, right?”

   “Or you could just make out with him! Well, consensually.” Roman punched him and Remus just kept giggling. “He HAS been calling you a disgustingly cute pet name for a LONG ASS time, dude… Haha ass…” Remus seemed to space out after that so Roman sunk out and appeared again in the living room. And Logan just so happened to be reading a book on the couch. Roman blushed again and cleared his throat.

   “Logan I need to talk to you.”

   He raised an eyebrow, closing his book after putting in a bookmark. Roman’s fist clenched around his sash to calm his nerves. “You wouldn’t NEED to talk to me for any reason so I’m going to assume you mean that you have some information to convey to me?”

   “I… umm, yeah.” Roman took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Why… Why have you been calling me your ‘Other Half’?” He leaned his head back and tried to calm down. He’s had a crush on Logan for a while and there was a sliver of a chance it might be reciprocated. Roman kind of felt like crying.

   “Oh, that?” Logan took a deep breath in and smiled, not that Roman could see. “Well, there’s an incorrect theory about the right and left hemispheres of the brain being logic and creativity. Therefore, you would be my other half.”

   Roman didn’t look at Logan, trying not to feel too disappointed. “That makes sense. Thanks for telling me, Logan. I’ll see you later…” His hand dropped to his side and he got ready to sink out, focusing only on his breathing. He made eye contact with Logan to see genuine confusion on his face. Roman gave a smile and began sinking out-

   “Roman wait!” He stopped. Logan had stood up and ran up to him. “Is that not what you wanted? I’m going to be direct because this is confusing to me but… Roman do you reciprocate romantic feelings for me? Because I really want to date you!”

   He didn’t respond immediately. Roman searched Logan’s face and he seemed to be meaning this. The passion on his face almost made Roman melt. He nodded slightly and decided for the first and only time to take Remus’s advice. Roman leaned towards Logan, grabbing his tie, and kissed him.

-

  The sides were hanging out in the kitchen while they were all working together to make a fam-ILY dinner. Virgil was tapping his foot nervously while vaguely listening to whatever Remus was ranting about. Patton and Janus were putting together the ingredients for a vegetable pie (excluding carrots of course) while Logan was making orange juice. Roman sat on the counter bantering with Janus. He laughed loudly and boldly, wiping a tear from his eye when his snake friend made a particularly bad pun.

   “Roman, my other half, would you please pass over the raspberries?” Logan asked easily. Virgil grumbled nervously, looking over at Patton, who was in a flour-based food fight with Remus. He sighed loudly and walked over Logan, finally cracking.

   He breathed in, ringing his hands. “Logan you’ve been calling Roman a pet name this entire time! The left brain right brain thing isn’t why people say my other half! I’m sorry for not telling you but Patton said to!”

   Roman and Logan looked at each other before looking back at Virgil. Roman quietly handed the raspberries to Logan before giving a soft smile. “Didn’t you know? Logan and I have been together, Storm cloud. It’s been a pet name this entire time.” Janus snickered to himself while putting the pie in but decided not to say anything.

   “You have?” Virgil asked.

   Logan nodded. “Yes, Virgil. Roman and I are indeed in a romantic relationship. Now, we’re going to set the table. Grab the plates?”

   Virgil stayed speechless, frozen in the kitchen until he got hit on his shoulder with flour. Roman got out the forks and walked to the table while Logan continued stirring the orange juice concentrate. After the pie finished, Patton helped serve everyone. Virgil stayed silent, with his forehead leaning on the table in shame. Eventually he started joining the conversation, ignoring his own embarrassment.

   When everyone finished up dinner. Logan volunteered to wash the dishes and Roman was the slowest to put away the food, leaving the two of them alone in the kitchen. Roman gave Logan a hug from the back.

   “Your adorable, Logan.”

   “It’s ‘you’re’, Roman.” He corrected calmly, cleaning off a plate.

   “What? How did you- never mind. You ARE adorable, Logan. Even when you’re acting like a smartass.” Logan chuckled and twisted back to face Roman. He wrapped his arms around Roman to make it a full hug. “This is nice. I’m glad we’re dating.”

   “Even when I’m a smart ass, like you said.”

   “Even then.”

Taglist: @bullet-tothefeels @logan-sanders-enthusiast @local-art-cryptid @lizzy-lineart @jasmine-loves @justanonymous @enby-wizard @openthedoorplease @crossiantgay @meowthefluffy @as-the-stars-foretold @sablesides @thedukeofdeodorant-main

[ectonurites]

Conner Kent in Suicide Squad/the Infinite Frontier era: wtf is going on

Alright lads hello I just need to type out some theories/thoughts about what’s going on with my boy Kon right now. This is more for myself than anything else (just trying to organize my thoughts) but since some of y’all like to hear me talk about comics (and some of this discussion has already been happenin in my inbox) I figured i’d format it and put it on here too! its like 4k words and written over the last few days mostly at 3am. sorry <3 

this is basically just me going like

Also fair warning that like, I can be wrong and misinterpret things just as much as anyone else can, like I use panels to support why I think what I do but a lot of this stuff is subjective/complicated to understand so like... in general somethings should be taken with a grain of salt, especially because exactly what changes to the universe were made by Death Metal/Infinite Frontier haven’t been super super clearly defined yet. Also sometimes comic writers make the most random nonsensical shit happen, so I as a fan am also allowed to theorize about random nonsensical shit.

But to start: let’s backtrack!

Many months ago when Infinite Frontier was first announced they dropped some promotional art, and I remember being a little confused because. Well:

(Variant Cover spread for Justice League (2018) #59)

(Variant Cover spread for Superman (2018) #29)

Notice how Conner is back to his Teen Titans 2003 look up top, but in his YJ 2019 look at the bottom? This seemed weird to me! But then they announced that Conner would be part of the Suicide Squad ongoing title, in the T-shirt look, so I wrote this discrepancy off in my brain as ‘oh I guess that cover was just the last hurrah for punk Kon’ and moved on with life.

In Suicide Squad right away we learn he’s very much so there against his will:

(Suicide Squad (2021) #1)

Which corroborates more or less what we were also shown in Future State: Suicide Squad, although admittedly it tells... a slightly different version of the events. When I first saw both of these together I just chalked it up to being a bit inaccurate as it’s shown as a memory in Future State:

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Issue 2 we saw him in action with the Squad, trying to do his best to still be a hero despite the team, but things get a little more interesting in the following issue. It starts off with an account of his history

(Suicide Squad (2021) #3)

This page gave me a few immediate red flags, mostly minor things that had to do with coloring, so more irl problems than things to take seriously in-universe (Kon’s pants are the wrong color in the first Superboy shot, and Bart’s Impulse costume is in Kid Flash colors instead of the correct Impulse ones) but then also it just bugged me the phrasing “he joined Young Justice” when he was a founder of the team, he didn’t join it he made it with Tim and Bart.

But again, chalked that stuff up to just.... writers/artists being inconsistent/unaware of things that they should be aware of, or even Nocturna just not being specific with details. But it did still strike me as a little odd considering the very accurate use of villains in those same shots, Scavenger who was a reoccurring bad guy from Kon’s solo days and showed up basically nowhere else (even holding the Spear of Lono and everything!) and Billy/Harm (Greta’s brother) from Young Justice.

But then a few pages later we got this:

(Suicide Squad (2021) #3)

Which is interesting. My first instinct was to think he’s being drugged w kryptonite or something thats leaving him hazy/out of it, but my thoughts on that have kinda changed, we’ll get there in a bit. But in general the context of ‘something’s wrong’ made the slight discrepancies on some details of his own history make more sense.

I also want to then bring up the next part to this story, the crossover issue in Teen Titans Academy.

(Teen Titans Academy #3)

So a few things. Does it feel weird to anyone else that Conner Kent, a known previous Titan who literally has a framed picture of himself in a case there, would set off alarm sensors like that? Wouldn’t he be... recognized as a Titan not an intruder by their sensors? Interesting! Anyways.

He looks really pained looking at that picture, and sad, and almost frustrated, which ya know makes sense and hurts my heart because he misses them! He misses his friends and being happy. 

But, importantly for a criticism I wanna make thats less theory related and more just me bein annoyed at Tim Sheridan, that’s a picture of Conner. Right there. That’s Superboy, on display at Teen Titans Academy, so the people who frequent this building would know who he is and what he looks like and be able to recognize him, he’s even in the same outfit and everything. Alinta recognized him at the end of Suicide Squad #3. 

So why does only one person during this big fight then comment on his presence?? Why doesn’t it get a bigger reaction???

(Teen Titans Academy #3)

And after the fight we don’t see any on panel moment of Wallace going up to the staff Titans (who weren’t present for the fight) and saying like “HEY NIGHTWING UHHH SUPERBOY WAS WITH THE SUICIDE SQUAD?” we just see him talking with his friends upset about Crush leaving. We see Alinta talking to them but we don’t see the exact dialogue. So I do just wanna take the writer by the shoulders and shake him a little bit and ask WHY because that just feels like... something you’d wanna address on panel! This is like the first time since joining the squad that Kon’s at all in contact with people from his life before Waller got involved, I feel like not addressing those people’s reactions to it/not discussing it at least a little bit on panel (especially when Conner CAME UP in the previous TTA issue, Dick brought him up and everything!!!) is a really odd choice. Maybe it’ll happen next issue and i’m just impatient, but who knows. Anyways, gripes with Sheridan aside, lets move on.

I wanna bring up how Conner... doesn’t really respond to Wallace’s question? At all? Except to just fight him off, not even an attempt at a ‘Sorry’ or anything? (the ‘Ha! That all you got?!’ seems to be coming from Culebra not Conner, although the placement of the bubble is vague enough it could be that it was supposed to be Conner? but it seems more like what she’d say, especially as she’s grabbing Emiko like that) That just feels weird. It feels off. In general he speaks so little in Suicide Squad #3 and this issue. Tbh it almost feels like he doesn’t really recognize Wallace which I mean I suppose they never exactly met (they would have theoretically during Death Metal, basically all past/present Titans were together for a while during that), but Kon’s been back in existing long enough he’d have a sense of who current heroes are anyways.

But right, so, lots of little things that feel weird... that gets us caught up to the most recently released comics... but in this household we look at solicits as they drop. Which gives us some info on what’s coming up a few months ahead of time, albeit without full context obviously. Issues #4 and #5 don’t mention Conner in their descriptions or show him on the covers at all, because there’s just other plot things going on, so ya know seems things will be quiet for him for a bit.

But then we got the August solicitations and oh BOY it’s a doozey for him! And some things start to kinda connect perhaps!

I want to just take a moment to look at that specific wording. “The teen calling himself Conner Kent” I’m probably reading too much into it but that feels deliberate, like why wouldn’t you just say ‘Conner Kent’? Usually these kinds of descriptions are trying to keep a low word count, not add in extra words that don’t need to be there. It makes it feel like that’s a name he’s using that... doesn’t actually belong to him.

So the theory I want to propose (that has been floating around already) is that based on these covers and the description, and how the Conner we’ve been seeing in Suicide Squad apparently talks about his own personal history like he’s ‘reading a wikipedia entry’ and had little response to people he should be aware of like Wallace and apparently isn’t recognized as a Titan through a bio-scan and also bearing in mind those initial promo arts with two separate looks at the same time for him... I think we're looking at a situation where the Conner in Suicide Squad so far has actually been a clone of original Conner (like... like he’s Match 2.0 or somethin) the whole time, that’s just not aware he’s not the original. 

Now that’s the base theory I wanna work with and build off of, but there’s MANY different directions that could go in/ways that could work.

For example, one idea is that the Conner we saw in #1 who was chained up is the original Conner, and he’s been being cloned and held captive, so everything else with Conner in Suicide Squad so far has been this Match 2.0 

Another idea could be the original Conner in #1 is also the Conner in #2 who Waller had then commented wasn’t ready during the mission in Arkham and had zapped with a lil Kryptonite, and after that moment she took him off the field because his spirit hadn’t been broken enough to be obedient (as he was a lot quieter in Issue #3 & the TTA crossover compared to #2, and #3 is when the Nocturna thing with the history happened)

Or it could even be original Conner in #1, then in #2 was one clone that wasn’t ‘ready’ that after that point she stopped using him, and switched to a diff clone for #3, because like that first cover did show a LOT of clones. That could be more just ‘artistic interpretation’ or something, covers sometimes do exaggerate/mislead, but it also could indicate we’re looking at a lot of clones.

(Suicide Squad (2021) #2)

With all of those in mind I also wanna bring up this little bit from Future State Suicide Squad:

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Again Future State is a ‘possible future’ so stuff from it isn’t set in stone, but the idea of ‘she still has his YJ 2019 outfit somewhere’ makes me think it could be something along the lines of like, Clone!Conner finds original Conner and frees him and he gets back his YJ outfit, which could lead to like the imagery on that variant cover/the idea from my very first part of this post where I was talking about Kon being shown in both outfits in different places.

Alternatively entirely from all that, another option is that she maybe got ahold of what was needed to clone Kon, but doesn’t even have the original Kon in her possession. (again with the Future State thing, she could be lying since elsewhere in Future State we did also see a copy of YJ 2019 Kon’s costume in one of the Jon-focused Future State comics in a display case 🤷‍♂️) Which could also lead to that confrontation on the variant cover & the promo art thing... and could also explain why we have seen nothing about anyone looking for him, because in that sort of scenario he wouldn’t have even been missing in the first place.

There’s a lot of possibilities! It’s still too early to solidly know anything, but I feel pretty confident we’re entering another cloning related plot with our Clone Boy so it’s... ya know. Clone time. On the one hand it’s annoying because god we have done clone/multiple Kons plots before. We’ve done them so much.

BUT on the other hand, I think it could be interesting to use this situation to tie into some older stuff from pre-reboot that I can see some connections to, because due to Infinite Frontier altering the world and people’s memories it’s all technically fair game storytelling-wise again (and like, the use of Scavenger specifically in that flashback way above, who’s not a super well known villain in general, makes me think maaaaybe the writer did do some of their Kon homework)

Something also just dawned on me that i’m not quite sure what it means but still is worth mentioning: The Conner here in Suicide Squad is back in his Teen Titans Vol. 3 outfit, and his history as he tells it stops during Teen Titans Vol. 3. And doesn’t... mention when he died? It feels like it... stopped before that, because like I feel if he was telling his life history (even the wiki version LMAO) the part where he died and came back would be pretty important to bring up?? And Nocturna specifically says that he didn’t explain how that stuff from TT Vol. 3 then led to him in his current situation. That’s a pretty big gap (like uhhh everything from resurrection until he got lost on Gemworld + all the rest of the Young Justice 2019 stuff?) So like.. there could be something funky going on here that has to do with that. 

Similarly when he flashes back in Future State: Suicide Squad to his past it also goes right from Teen Titans Vol. 3 to the current Suicide Squad run? Like I get it’s one page so they can’t show that much, but the fact that there’s now two places that flash back to that same specific time period and nothing past it until the Suicide Squad feels just... noticeable! Not concretely indicative of something, but noteworthy.

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Like...this almost has me thinking maybe it could be something where like, they tampered with his dead body and cloned from that? BECAUSE, for those of you who may not be familiar with how Kon’s resurrection (during Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds) worked, when he came back there was time travel involved! He was brought back to life in the future (like. Legion of Superheroes era) because it was a process that took that thousand or so years to work/heal him (essentially because of his hybrid dna the process that healed Clark when he had died back in Death of Superman/Reign of the Supermen in the 90s just took a lot longer, but its the same Kryptonian healing chamber thing) meaning when he came back to the present alive again, his dead body was still also in the present just in it’s process of healing. Meaning especially if we’re bringing back stuff from before the reboot, Kon likely has his dead body just vibing out there while he’s goin around living life 🤷‍♂️

SO them doing something related to that could explain the choice to put him back in the T-shirt (since thats what he wore in the era his brain would be caught up to if we’re relating this to when he died) and why he’d recognize himself in a group photo with Bart, Cassie and Tim but maybe not someone like Wallace who didn’t exist back then. I don’t know, this branch of thought is still half baked. Will maybe come back and elaborate on this later. But I’m now really thinking there might be a connection to the early Teen Titans Vol. 3 era specifically because of it being referenced twice in stuff with this Suicide Squad.

ANYWAYS moving on, this is probably a shot in the dark and I only thought of it because I just was reading 90′s Superboy, but right away when thinking about ‘Amanda Waller’ and ‘Cloning Kon’ I was reminded of some stuff about the circumstances around the first clone that was made of Conner: Match.

(Superboy (1994) #35)

Match was created by an organization called ‘The Agenda’, that was after a while primarily under the control of The Contessa, Lex Luthor’s ex-wife, aided by Amanda Spence who had a personal grudge against Kon bc her dad was Paul Westfield the guy Kon was originally cloned from (before the Lex/Clark retcon). They were the big bad guys of an arc called The Evil Factory in Superboy (where Cadmus personnel got replaced with clones) which also then tied into the Sins of Youth event over in Young Justice (Remember how Match was posing as Superboy for a while there? yeah). After those plot lines finished the Agenda was pretty defeated (Amanda Spence was still out there and came back later but still) and... who got their hands on the remaining Agenda tech?

(Superboy (1994) #87)

Why none other than Amanda Waller herself!

If they re-canonized pieces of this (which also tied into Young Justice which ya know, YJ 2019 was all about re-establishing stuff from YJ even before Death Metal happened soooo) it would totally make sense for Waller to have complete access to the exact technology used to clone Conner before. 

Now, a thing to consider here though is what happened to Kon after he’d been cloned that first time, where his DNA got all destabilized by the process (and he needed to go through a procedure with Roxy as a genetic template to keep him together, which was how he got stuck at age 16 for a while). This was something where he was fine for a period of time before the side effects began to kick in. Now, I think it’s worth mentioning that was also back in the days where he was not yet Lex & Clark’s clone, but still Paul Westfield’s. So there could easily be a ‘now that certain Kryptonian genes have kicked in as he got his newer powers it doesn’t destabilize him the same way’ reasoning or something along those lines to avoid this problem. Alternatively, it could be an interesting thing to embrace rather than retcon away, especially if we’ve been seeing Clone Conner in action and Original Conner hasn’t been in our focus, things could be wrong with him that we just don’t know about.

Another branch of thinking that I think is even MORE a shot in the dark but could be interesting (or again even related to what I just said, could be a combo of things) is if this somehow ended up related to those clones that were reverse engineered from the remains of Match from the very end of Teen Titans Vol. 3

(Teen Titans (2003) #99)

All of them were then taken down with Kryptonite and killed in battle (by Rose & Damian) 

(Teen Titans (2003) #100)

But like... idk man if Waller got her hands on those corpses or even just the data from Dr. Caligan that he extracted from Match to make them... that could also be a potential way to make some new Conner clones, and that could be why the bio-scan thing at Titans Tower wouldn’t work properly because of the thing he says above about it not being a “complete match’

One thing I don’t think is the case, but has been brought up to me, is stuff with New 52 Kon. I’ve talked extensively about New 52 Kon in recent weeks because I read through all his stuff, but the thing that makes me shy away from him being part of this situation is the fact that... he’s not interchangeable with Kon the way I think some people think he is. He wouldn’t visually be recognized as Original Kon because he is literally on a genetic level a separate person. They’d prob look related, sure, like they’d pass for brothers because they both have Clark’s DNA, but New 52 Kon has Lois’ DNA and Original Kon has Lex’s. New 52 Kon would likely look more like Jon, rather than Kon. Lois specifically commented in an Action Comics issue that Kon had some resemblance to Lex, even. So like, things like Wallace recognizing him or him looking at his own matching reflection alongside the group picture at the Tower... those wouldn’t happen the same way if this was New 52 Kon.

Now I think it coooould theoretically be possible for Waller to have gotten her hands on that future N.O.W.H.E.R.E. cloning tech that had been used to make New 52 Kon, like I wouldn’t rule that out. Because she knows where the remains of their bases are as shown in Red Hood and the Outlaws (2016) #16-17, and like, Harvest is dead so she could easily just send teams out there to gather shit if she wanted. 

Onto some other things I don’t think are actually related but that I was reminded of/wanted to address:

I feel i’d be a bad timkon fan if during all of this discussion of past stories with cloning Kon I didn’t even bring up Tim’s cloning attempt stuff, but I think it would ultimately be unrelated. His tech was stolen from Luthor, and his attempts didn’t succeed because he was trying to build from scratch without Cadmus’ the data about how they altered the DNA from the original process. 

(Teen Titans Vol. 3 #34)

Then that initial cover for the annual really reminded me of part of the Hollow Men story from Superboy Vol. 5 just with like... Kon in a room full of copies of himself. I don’t think this story would be related either because it was more magic Tannarak stuff rather than regular cloning, but ya know. It’s the imagery.

(Superboy Vol. 5 #9)

It also really reminded me of the stuff from Hyper-Tension which was hypertime stuff not cloning but again just... visually.

(Superboy Vol. 4 #62)

In general I don’t think we’re EVER gonna see Black Zero or any of these multiverse Superboys again LMAO.

To try to sum up all of this in a way that might make sense here’s kinda a... flowchart of some of my main ideas for what the cloning situation could be/how the logic could work. Again this is borrowing stuff from across continuities because Infinite Frontier means theoretically anything’s fair game. (Also I don’t think I mentioned this earlier but I do mention it in the chart, but I think it’s also reasonable that Waller could get her hands on Cadmus tech if Cadmus is like properly made canon again. She just has funky government connections!)

Also I just now thought of this now several hours after I already made the chart and I don’t wanna remake it so sorry not incorporating it there but I remembered there was also that bit during House of Kent where Clark took Kon to the Hall of Justice and they were running some tests on him, so I’m thinking it’s also possible Waller got ahold of that data/that might be how she found out about Kon in the first place for this timeline. And they indicated that there was something wrong with him there, where he might eventually lose his powers or something, so maybe she tried to do cloning stuff to be able to have a copy of Superboy in his prime or something??? before that started kicking in. I don’t know, just more things to consider:

(Action Comics (2016) #1028)

ANYWAYS in conclusion: there is clone fuckery of some sort happening, I’m curious where it’s gonna go, and I just want Kon to be okay.

If you actually read this uhm. props to you bc this probably makes no sense to anyone but me its just word vomit <3 

[greyias]

Time to go Full Gravedrog

Hey guys. You know what we haven’t done in a while? That’s right! Put on our tinfoil hats, get tangled up in an entire spool of red string, and do a ridiculous deep dive on lore and make up wild insane theories about the upcoming story drop!

That’s right we’ve got some--

First up. If you haven’t watched it already, here’s the trailer for the 6.2 story drop, specifically for the storyline we’ll be doing our deep dive on, Echoes of Oblivion.

Are you pumped? I’M PUMPED. Let’s do this!

Okay, so there’s a lot to unpack here, and I’m going to state outright, that the chances of this being on the money like Gravedrog is... well. I’ve got no lottery numbers for you this time around. I can’t believe no one took me up on that offer.  There’s always the possibility the storyline has absolutely nothing to do with any previously established lore, and they create something wholly new. And hey, if that’s the case, this is just free fanfic fodder for the masses.

But Charles did mention, I believe on the forums(?), that he’s seen one person guess what’s going on. The real question is... WHO GUESSED IT. HMM.

So I’ve been wanting to actually do a post on this a while, at least since Arcann’s voice actor accidentally made the slip up about Thexan being in this story drop. A large part of this theory/discovery goes to the lovely @confettininjabean​​, who found this piece of lore when we were getting tangled up in red string back in the Gravedrog days, pre-Nathema Conspiracy. Let’s just say, there was a... certain interaction on Twitter that had us thinking this had something to do with NC, and when it didn’t pan out we were like “Oh, weird, guess that wasn’t on the right track” and forgot about it.

Well, sort of. Because we were like, “that really seemed significant considering”, but hey, sometimes you hit upon a Gravedrog, sometimes you think Indo Zal is an evil mastermind playing 4D chess. In other words, when it comes to red string theories, you win some. You lose some.

Anyway. I forget why, but I went perusing on Wookieepedia a few months ago, looking back up this sort of obscure piece of lore for some reason. And something about it was.... FAMILIAR.

The article in question: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Thought_bomb

May I direct your attention, to this part:

Hey. Where have I heard that before?

Aw. Aw shit. Well I mean, that can’t be right though, right? Because it’s Satele and a bunch of Jedi/like-minded Force users that are being possessed right? And besides this is an an ancient Sith ritual thought to be created by... 

Oh.

Oh wait.

But that’s a plague right? Not the same thing as a thought bomb. I mean it’s not like anyone in SWTOR has dealt with a Force plague--

Oh. huh. But you might say, “But Grey, that plague was invented by Terrak Morrhage, not Vitiate.” And you would be right! What I can’t seem to find confirmation of, thus far, is exactly when Terrak Morrhage lived, but by me and Jayde’s current reckoning, it seems like he may have been around possibly during the Great Hyperspace War, the end of which Vitiate used in his mad grab for immortality and power, manipulating what was probably a majority of the remaining Sith Lords into his brand spanking new ritual that he just needed a little help with.

Okay, and this is where we leave lore land, and enter into speculation land. I, um, just got sidetracked on Jedipedia (I’ll get to that), trying to find a codex entry regarding Vitiate I know I’ve read but I lost at some point. So, we’re going off memory here, but I’m fairly certain it’s stated in canon somewhere that prior to his ascension, Vitiate was obsessed with Sith alchemy and ancient Sith rituals. So if Morrhage pre-dated him, or was a peer, it’s possible Vitiate was able to learn about his plague, and adapt it to some of his other experiments.

Okay, back to the thought bomb for a moment. Full disclosure, I haven’t read the Darth Bane novels, so I’m going off of Wookiepeedia here instead of the source material (which is always a dicey affair), it says Bane adapted the thought bomb from notes on the ritual Vitiate performed. So, it’s possible the thought bomb is not a 100% Vitiate original, just a bastardization of it. But it’s interesting that the ritual itself gathers up and shreds the Force essence/soul of everyone in its path. Well, I mean, horrifying. But in this theory’s perspective, interesting in that when Vitiate used Zildrog as part of his ritual--where did all of the Force go exactly?

Because as you wander around Nathema, you hear the tortured whispers of every soul obliterated during that ritual.

This is talked about a little in the Revan novel, and it’s been a few years since I read it so I’m kind of going off memory again, but he basically created a void in the Force there. And remember... in the KOTET chapter we went to Nathema, he was actually visibly afraid a few times. Hmm... now why would that be? Was it Vaylin he was afraid of? Was it something else?

If memory serves, there wasn’t an actual explosion like as described with the thought bomb--because he wasn’t using the ritual as a weapon. He was using it to gather power, to shuffle off this mortal coil and live eternal as an annoying spirit who you just can’t quite squash out no matter how many mind mazes you build to keep him locked up. So, and again, this is speculation land, but all of that swirling Force and dead energy had to go somewhere right? I mean, Zildrog had his snack and went omnomnom, but where did the Force power go? And why was there a Void that constantly pulled at him and sapped away his power on Nathema?

Is it because the Force didn’t explode? Is it because he bound it up in his old disgusting decaying old man flesh? And the only reason he was alive because he basically made himself a little flesh horcrux that was destroyed at the exact moment we sent him off to the Void that he feared so much?

Hmm. Interesting.

Wait. Wait a second... I think there was something else he mentioned. Now, what was it?

You know, I had always assumed he was talking about Gravedrog being unleashed, since the whole reason he went to Zakuul was likely to find the Gravestone so he could pair it with Zildrog back on Nathema, and enact his galaxy-wide extinction event.

And maybe he was.

Or was he talking about his failsafe.

The one he knew would happen if someone destroyed his old, withered, icky body?

So... if the ritual/plague is some take on the thought bomb, and it infects any Force user like some prescient, who could have realized this is what 2020 held in store for us pandemic that spread rapidly and consumed everyone who touched it, until it made manifest what was once just thought...

Is the whole entire point of this to bring Valky back from the dead? Or is it just his last revenge? And what on earth would that last revenge be? Well... and just hear me out. Say there was this guy. Kind of an asshole. And he had this whole schtick about killing every single living thing in the galaxy and liked to consume whole planets in a single gulp just for funsies. Wouldn’t it be so funny if he, say, in the unlikely event he possessed some Outlander who happened to go “get out and get a job loser!” and booted him off to the beyond, and at the same time his old indentured servant and that chick he once possessed found his horcrux and destroyed that, wouldn’t it be a kick if that somehow kicked off a plague that consumed every single Force user in the entire galaxy until it had enough power and then exploded and completely wiped out all life in the galaxy, so that if the asshole who’s name totally isn’t Valkorion couldn’t live forever then neither could any. single. thing. in. the. galaxy.

I mean, that or it’s just a ploy to get him into one final boss fight.

But i dunno... I kind of just found the entire cast list of who’s in the Echoes of Oblivion storyline (warning, major spoilers and datamining on that link, and yes, that’s what distracted me on Jedipedia) and I’m kind of thinking. Having to keep the entire galaxy from being consumed by a sociopath’s final revenge kind of sounds like a pretty epic finale, don’t you?

And hey, if not. Free fanfic idea for anyone who wants it.

Oh yeah, also predicting the following:

We’re going on another mindscape adventure like in KOTET Chapter 9, but it’s Satele’s mind we’re in

It’s not actually Valkorion/Vitiate/Tenebrae, but a remnant/essence of him that’s made manifest by the ritual. Also he needs a combo nickname because I’m tired of having to pick one of three names. I shall call you Valkiatebrae. It’s a beautiful name. I know he’ll love it.

Vaylin and Thexan who we see in the trailer are probably also manifestations conjured by the quasi- Valkiatebrae

We’re going to Ossus? Or Ossus in Satele’s mind?

The Knight and crew missed a few of the death cult back in the storyline, and that’s who was either watching Tenebrae’s body, or who hijacked Satele’s ship OR they have some part in the ritual (perhaps the part to physically manifest  Valkiatebrae). We see them in the trailer above.

Regardless if any single one of these predictions is right I’m going to die of feels

Because I think Satele and Theron may have a scene together????? OMG

I’m screaming again

I’ll stop now

I’m sorry Charles I hope I didn’t do it to you again I couldn’t help myself, but hey at least I kept it in this long

EDITED TO ADD: Okay guys, I’ve been looking more at Jedipedia. I think I can safely hazard a guess that a LOT of fans of different characters are going to be super happy with this update. Just saying.

[bhcangels]

sunsets and selflove - fluff

Dom’s POV

I stumbled through the front door of our apartment, closing the door after wrestling my keys out of the lock. I chucked my bag down by the door, kicking off my shoes, and proceeding to walk through the flat in a search for her. All I could focus on was the silence floating through our home as I failed to find her in any of the rooms. Looking around, I smiled upon the realisation of where she was, picking up a thick blanket and my keys, heading out the door and up the stairs to the rooftop. I took the stairs two at a time until I reached the top, pushing my body against the heavy metal fire door and stepping out into the cooling summer air. She turned her head to greet me, offering me a small smile.

“Hey darlin’,” I smiled, walking closer and taking a seat beside her in the middle of the blankets and cushions she had surrounding her.

“Hey,” she replied, her voice soft as she leaned towards me.

I settled with my back against the wall, throwing the blanket over my legs as she leant her head against my chest, cuddling the side of her body against mine with one arm over my torso.

“How was your day?” I asked, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head as I awaited her answer.

“Not the best, I tried to get my assignments done but I couldn't concentrate to save my life,” she grumbled, wrapping her arm around me tighter.  

“I know what that’s like,” I grinned, a chuckle escaping my lips as she joined in with a small giggle, “and besides, you don't have to be so hard on yourself, so what you didn’t get much done today, sometimes the most productive thing you can do is breathe, and that's okay, we all need a break sometimes,” I ran my middle finger up and down her spine as I comforted her.

“But you never take a break, you seem to just be able to get everything done that you need to and more, it's not fair,” she pouted, nestling her head into my chest as she spoke.

“Yeah, that's just good old ADHD and Dr Pepper,” I laughed as she lifted her head and giggled at me, her nose scrunching up as she did. After a moment she rested her head back on my chest and exhaled deeply.  

She broke the silence, her voice coming out  small, “I just start to feel useless after a while, I guess, when I haven’t gotten anything done and I feel like I’m drowning in my own head,” she paused, and I could hear the hesitation in her voice before she asked, “do you ever feel like that?” her voice coming out quieter than before.

“Yeah…” I paused to arrange my thoughts that seem to come all at once, “I think as humans, we all have those days, we get too deep inside our own heads and after a while it feels like there’s no way out,” I spoke softly, reassuring her as I continued to stroke up and down her back. She sat up slowly, shifting her body to sit next to me, leaning her body against the wall behind us as she gazed out at the fiery sky with the sun setting lower.

She opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it, and so there we sat, in a dead silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, or uncomfortable, we were both swimming around in our own thoughts, trying to make sense of the world in our own ways before sharing these ideas with each other. She wasn’t looking at me, but I knew she could feel my gaze on her. She was staring off to the sun, slowly descending over the skyline of buildings in the distance, and I couldn’t help myself but think of how breathtaking she looked; the way the orange glow of what was left of daylight would catch right on the tops of her cheekbones, highlighting her freckles (one of my favourite features of hers), her honey-blonde hair seemingly glowing in the warmth of the setting-suns rays.

“Why don’t you love yourself?” My loud thoughts pierced the silence between us.

She didn’t even turn her head to look at me, as she took a deep breath in, she responded “What is there to love? I’m just shattered pieces of the girl I used to be,”

I know she didn’t expect a response but I gave her one anyway.

“You’re not broken, I don't believe that for a second,” I shook my head, turning my gaze away from her to admire the mesmerising view of the sunset.

“You don’t know that, Dom. You don’t know how messed up I am inside,” she argued, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Who let you believe that what other people think of you defines your worth?” I asked, intending it to be more of a question for her to ponder rather than an accusation, but I don't think it came out that way.

“I think we both know the answer to that.” she bit back sharply, taking a moment to close her eyes and release a breath I didn’t notice she was holding.

“Your mother?” I ask, although she was right, once I’d already asked the question, I realised I knew the answer.

“She taught me that I should always present myself to company confidently and to be perfect; ‘don’t let them find any flaws and they’ll believe you don’t have any’,” she spoke in a tone I’m sure would make her mother red in the face if she heard the imitation of her voice. The thought made me smile.

‘You know what, fuck that!” My statement came out louder and bolder than intended but that didn’t stop the smile beginning to spread across her face, “you’ve got to wake up every morning and make yourself a nice cuppa while you sit in the bay window of our apartment and listen to the birds singing as the sun rises, you’ve got to come home from a long day of classes and relax in the soothing burn from the shower against your skin, you’ve got to buy those bright yellow boots you loved and wear them with that stripey jumper of mine that you love just because it brings a smile to your face, and then you can wash it in that god-awful lemon shit that I hate but you still love, just because you want to,” I paused, laughing loudly as I shook my head, standing up in front of her, “ you’ve got to go to all of the art shows and film festivals and music shows and museums your heart desires, you’ve got to tell that girl on the train that you love her green hair and tattoos, and you’ve got to strike up a conversation with the person on the train that’s reading your favourite book. You have to do all of these things that make you happy and bring back life to yourself, because if you don’t then nobody else is going to do it for you.” I was standing in front of her now, jumping and waving my hands around as I spoke. She opened her mouth to speak but I continued, “I’m not finished. “You,” I pointed at her, “need to stop taking everything so fucking personally because in 10 years from now none of these things you’re stressing over are gonna matter. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Just fuck it! You’ve got to love yourself.” I stared at her, the biggest smile on her face that I’d seen in a long time, it was until now that I realised how down she’d been lately. She was grinning and shaking her head all at once, looking up to face me as the smile slightly slipped, she tried to catch it, but I saw her falter. “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours,” I spoke significantly quieter, contrasting to my passionate rant just moments ago. I took my seat beside her again, reaching over to take her hand in mine.

She looked at me, her eyes meeting mine, and she shuffled in her place, before moving to rest her head in my lap. I gave her a few moments to collect her thoughts, on the rooftop with her head in my lap as I played with her hair, a comfortable silence on repeat in the background as I waited for her to share the ongoings of the inside of her head with me.

“It gets a bit loud in my head sometimes…it’s been happening a lot more since you’ve been gone”. She trailed off as she spoke, referring to me being on tour.

“And what do you do when it gets too loud? How do you self medicate?” I asked her quietly, threading my fingers gently through her golden locks.

“Well I usually come out here, I bring my blanket with me and I lay on my back and look up to the sky, and I count the stars, I stare at the moon, and I think,” she confessed.

“Isn’t thinking what usually causes the loudness in your head” I know her too well.

“Well, yes,”  she hesitated, “but instead of my problems I think about things like what if I lived on the moon, or what if I woke up one day and all of this was just one big dream, or what if I woke up as a penguin?”

“You and your endless ‘what ifs’, really, a penguin?” I laughed slightly, raising a brow and her strange imagination, “and what do you mean, if everything was one big dream?” I questioned her further.

“Okay, maybe not if it was a dream, but what if, I don’t know, say, the butterfly effect was real, and it happened in our world, and things as we knew it weren’t the same or they never happened in the first place,”

“That’s an interesting theory,” I thought aloud, “but I thought you believed in fate?” I challenged, as well as I knew her, the inside of her head was still a massive puzzle to me, with no right answer. I think it was the same to her.

“Just because I believe in something doesn’t mean I can’t ponder other propositions,” she tested.

I get that,” I spoke softly, causing her to giggle, “Do you ever come out here and think about me?”

“Now, how would I manage to fit you into my tight speculation schedule when I have to consider what it would be like to live on the moon, or the first thing that I would do in my new life as a penguin?” She giggled playfully, turning her head to smile up at me.

“You cheeky fuck!” I exclaimed, a grin spreading across my face as she giggled, a real laugh this time. “I’m sure you can make some time for me,” I grinned back.

“We’ll see about that,” she paused, returning her head to press against my lap before she continued, “sometimes, when I think about you, I can’t stop and then you’re on my mind for days at a time. I’ve never felt like this before, I’ve never felt so all-consumed by my own feelings, and I’m scared,” she confessed, as I once again placed my hands in her soft hair.

We sat in our comfortable silence again, our bodies close together surrounded by blankets, keeping us warm as the sun adventured beyond the horizon; I continued playing with her hair.

“Would you do me a favour?” I glanced down at her as she spoke softly, with a frown across her beautiful face.

“Anything,” I replied simply.

“Would you make sure the moon knows my name?” she asked with tears returning to her eyes.

“Of course I can, baby, I’ll shout your name from the rooftops, or even visit the moon just to tell it myself,” I spoke with confidence. No matter what I had to do to make her happy, you can rest-assured that I would do it.

[fanmoose12]

“Hange!” Levi shouted, as he banged his fists against the piece of offending furniture. “Open that goddamn door!”

“Levi…” Hange sighed wearily. Levi didn’t like the tone of her voice. Hange never spoke like this. “Just leave me alone.”

“The fuck I will!” Levi almost growled. “Open that door or I swear I’ll break it down!”

“There is nothing you can do!” Hange screamed. A moment later, she started coughing, and Levi heard as she slid down to the floor. “There is nothing you can do,” she repeated, her voice raspy. “It’s best if I stay here, alone, until… Well,” she laughed bitterly. “You know.”

“I’m not letting you fucking die, Hange!”

“And what are you going to do? You saw those people, you saw how they’ve died! You know you can’t help me.”

“Well, the least I can do is try,” Levi slid to the floor as well, not caring about his pristinely white coat. He leaned against the door. “Hange, please…” his voice was quite, almost a whisper. “Just let me help you.”

“No, Levi, I can’t. This thing is highly contagious, I can’t risk you becoming infected as well.”

“Bullshit,” Levi answered, getting angry again. Why Hange wouldn’t listen to him? Just for once in their goddamn lives? “I’ve been treating those patients alongside you. And I still feel fine, so let me in.”

“Fine, maybe you aren’t infected, or maybe you aren’t as susceptible to the disease as I am, but Levi! Remember those patients. They’ve died before we could do anything! I don’t think I have much time left.”

“And if you continue to sit here, wallowing in self-pity, you’ll have even less time. Don’t be an idiot, Hange. You’ve told me yourself that this new bacteria has a very short lifespan. What exactly you’ve told me?”

“I said they probably live for only 24 hours, but Levi—!”

“Don’t ‘but Levi’ me,” he grumbled, cutting her off. “I know that this is just your theory, but more often than not, your theories are correct, Hange. I’m willing to bet that this one is correct as well. So if I manage to keep you alive for just a day, I believe that you’ll be able to fight off the disease.”

“You really believe that?” Hange’s voice was quiet and unsure.

“I do believe that,” Levi replied. “I will do anything to save you, Hange. You did the same thing for me, after all.”

“I did?” Hange chuckled, surprised by his words.

“Of course,” Levi nodded, even though Hange couldn’t see him. “Remember our college days? I’ve gotten a bad case of stomach flu, and have been puking my insides for three days straight. And you haven’t left my side even for a moment. Or, that time,” Levi closed his eyes, feeling the old wounds reopen. “When I got into that car accident? When I was lying in the hospital bed, all broken and despaired? When I have been grieving and mourning Isabel’s and Farlan’s deaths? When all I wanted to do was to curl up and fucking die?”

“Levi… I—”

“No,” Levi continued, ignoring Hange’s words. “You have to listen to this, Hange. I wanted to die back then, there was no reason for me to live, but you… you gave me a reason. You haven’t left me even then, you found this job for me, and—”

“Erwin got this job for you,” Hange reminded. “I just gave him your resume.”

“Whatever. Erwin gave me a purpose, but you… your kindness and friendship gave me a reason to get up in the mornings. I know it sounds fucking pathetic, but…” Levi trailed off, rubbing his face. “You make me happy, Hange. I love my job and I love helping people, but even more so, because I can do this alongside you. So, Hange, please, let me in. Let me help you, because I don’t think I can live, if I lose you as well.”

For a long moment there was silence, and Levi already prepared to say something more or to act on his promise and break the fucking door, when it finally opened.

Hange stood on the other side, leaning against the chair and breathing heavily. She was pale – cyanotic, the doctor in Levi said, but he didn’t listen to it. Cyanotic meant… no, cyanotic meant bad things, awful things, but Levi wasn’t going to focus on them. Hange was just pale, she had two night shifts in a row and she was understandably exhausted. A good night sleep was all she needed to feel better again.

“Let’s get you in bed,” Levi hugged Hange by the shoulders, leading her into one of the wards for the infectious patients.

“Are you saying this to all of your patients?” Hange giggled.

“I’m glad to know that the disease hasn’t affected your sense of humor. It’s still as horrible as it always have been.”

“Oi, it’s rude to talk to your patient that way!”

Levi shook his head in exasperation. “Just change your clothes and lay in bed. I’ll go and bring the needed equipment.”

“Levi,” Hange touched his arm. When he looked at her, there was a tiny, fond smile on her lips. “You don’t need to tell me all this stuff. I’m also a doctor, remember?”

“Oh, yes, of course,” Levi nodded. “Sorry, just a habit,” he took Hange’s hand into his and briefly squeezed it. “I’ll be right back.”

After Levi brought everything he needed, connected Hange to the numerous tubes and wires, injected her with the strongest antibiotics their hospital had, there was nothing left for him to do rather than to stay by her side and watch every change, hoping for Hange’s fast recovery.

“Levi…” Hange slowly began. Levi turned his gaze away from the monitors and looked at her. But just as soon, he averted his eyes – Hange seemed so frail, so feeble in that bed. “If I d—”

“You won’t.” Levi instantly cut her off, refusing to hear what she wanted to say next. “You’ll survive this shit and will be back on your feet in no time.”

“But those patients!” Hange protested.

“Those patients were already weak. Their immune system was compromised, and they had a dozen of concomitant diseases. You, on the other hand, are young and healthy. You’ll be fine, and I don’t want to hear another word from you about death or some other depressing thing. Better yet, stop talking and get some rest.”

“That’s doctor’s orders?” Hange grinned weakly.

“You’re goddamn right,” Levi showed a small smile of his own.

Hange stared at him for another moment, before closing her eyes and falling into a restless slumber.

 ***

When she woke up, Hange's condition had considerably worsened. Her Sp02 was rapidly decreasing and Levi even had to put an oxygen mask over her face. With his heart in his throat, he watched how Hange was desperately trying to breathe, her chest heaving up and down.

“It hurts, Levi,” she croaked out. “It hurts so much.”

“I know,” Levi’s one hand held Hange’s and another one was softly playing with her hair. “I know it hurts, Hange, and I’m sorry. But you are strong, you can endure this. Soon it will pass, and you’ll feel better, I promise.”

“I…” Hange had another coughing fit, which shook her body. Levi shuddered as he saw blood on the white sheet of her bed. “I… need,” Hange continued when her coughing had subdued. “I need a reason… to survive.”

“Alright,” Levi gently caressed her palm. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

A small smirk appeared on Hange’s bloodied lips. “That’s a dangerous promise, doctor Ackerman.”

“I’m a dangerous man,” Levi shrugged, his eyes darting to the monitor beside Hange. It showed that Hange’s Sp02 almost returned to normal. Levi let himself relax. “So what do you want?”

Hange looked away from him, as an almost shy expression appeared on her face. “A date,” she whispered so quietly, Levi had to strain his ears to hear it.

“A date? With whom?”

“With whom do you think?” Hange glared at him. “Of course, I’m asking you to arrange me a date with Mike.”

“Mike?” Levi raised his eyebrows. “But he’s married!”

“You’re lucky,” Hange took a deep, shaky breath. “You’re lucky I’m weak now, Levi. I would have kicked you otherwise. I was talking about a date with… you.”

“Oh,” Levi’s eyes widened. “You want to go on a date with me? Alright, y-yeah, okay. Yes, I agree.”

Hange gave him a critical look. “Are you agreeing just because I’m on my death bed?”

“Idiot,” Levi growled, resisting the urge to smack her head. “You’re not on your death bed, and I didn’t agree out of pity or anything. Actually…” Levi trailed off, feeling his cheeks redden. “Actually I wanted to ask you out for a very long time. Just couldn’t find the courage to do so.”

“You wanted to go on a date with me?” Hange asked quietly. Levi didn’t know if her voice was so weak because of her illness, or she just couldn’t believe him.

“Of course, I did, four-eyes. I still do. I… I had a crush on you… for a while.”

Truth be told, Levi had a crush on Hange for as long as he knew her. However, something always stopped him from confessing his feelings. Maybe, he just didn’t want to make a fool out of himself, or maybe, he was afraid of her refusal. He didn’t want to destroy their friendship with his stupid, inappropriate feelings. Levi had never been so happy to be proven wrong.

“You have a crush on me?” Hange’s lips curled into a smile, and Levi’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of it. He loved that smile so much…

“I think we’ve already established that,” Levi hid his blushing face, lowering his head. Well, one of his fears did come true. Talking about his feeling was the worst. “Better tell me, where do you want to spend our first date?” Levi began, trying to keep Hange’s mind away from her pain. “I would have thought of something myself, but,” he shook his head. “You know I suck at this kind of things.”

“I want to go to the amusement park,” Hange sighed dreamily. “I want to go on a Ferris wheel. We’ll be holding hands and looking at the night city. And cotton candy! Yes, we will be sharing a cotton candy.”

Levi made a face. “I hate those things. They’re sticky and way too sugary.”

“Too bad, Ackerman,” Hange smirked. “You’ve already agreed to this.”

Levi sighed, admitting his defeat. “Alright, what else do you want to do?”

“Mm, then we should take a ride on a roller coaster, the biggest one they had. I hope, you’ll be screaming like a little girl.”

“Keep dreaming, four-eyes,” Levi softly chuckled.

“And then I’ll drag you to the shooting range. I’ll make you win me the biggest plushie they have.”

“And the ugliest, no doubt.”

“Ah, you know me so well,” Hange softly smiled.

“That I do,” Levi agreed. “Now, c’mon, stop talking,” his eyes slightly narrowed, as he saw Hange’s saturation begin to decrease again. “Save your breath and go to sleep. I’ll be there, when you wake up.”

 ***

Levi was slumping in his seat, watching every rise and fall of Hange’s chest. Hoping that movement doesn’t stop.

“Are you watching me sleep?” Hange mumbled without opening her eyes. “Creep.”

“I’m not a creep,” Levi answered, feeling his lips involuntarily twitch into a smile. “I’m a professional.”

“Mm, that’s what all creeps say.”

“Are you feeling better?” Levi got to his feet, deciding to inject Hange with another antibiotic.

“Not really,” Hange answered, avoiding his eyes. “How long have I been sleeping?”

“For a few hours.”

“Have you gotten any sleep?”

It was Levi’s turn to avoid Hange’s eyes. “I’ll rest when you get better.”

“Levi,” Hange chided. “You have to get some sleep.”

“You know I don’t need it much.”

“Alright, maybe, you don’t need to sleep,” it looked like Hange wasn’t going to give up easily. “But what about your other patients? Don’t you have to take care of them?”

“Who are you taking me for, four-eyes?” Levi rolled his eyes. “I’ve asked Mike and Erwin to look after them. Besides, I’m helping hundreds of patients right now.”

“Huh?” Hange’s face scrunched into a confused expression.

“I’m saving your life, dumbass,” Levi said in a far softer voice that he intended. “And by saving yours, I’m saving lives of other patients you’re going to help after you get back on your feet.”

“Levi…” Hange searched for his hand, and when she reached it, she took it in hers and squeezed. She looked deep into his eyes, not knowing what to say. She wanted to say so much, but she couldn’t do it. Not now, not until she actually gets better.

“It’s been almost fifteen hours since you’ve become ill,” Levi changed the subject, feeling the strange tension in the room. The look in Hange’s eyes was so intense and almost unreadable. “Ten more hours and you’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“I’ve told you already – I am a professional,” Levi huffed. “And I never give my patients false hopes.”

“So, I’m your patient, huh?” Hange looked at him with that mischievous glint in her eyes. With that expression on her face, she seemed almost healthy, almost normal. “Say, doctor Ackerman, am I your favorite patient?”

“No,” Levi replied curtly. “And let’s not make a habit of it, four-eyes.”

“Let’s not a habit of what? You taking care of me?”

“Let’s not make a habit of you getting dangerous diseases, idiot.”

“Can’t promise you anything, but… I’ll try.”

“With you, four-eyes, I couldn’t have hoped for a better answer.”

“Jeez, that’s so embarrassing,” Hange chuckled quietly. “But I’m getting sleepy again.”

“Drugs make you sleepy. Besides, your body needs as much energy as it can get. And I don’t think I need to explain it to you, Doctor Zoe.”

“Maybe, I just wanted to listen to the sound of your voice,” she showed Levi another one of her gentle smiles. “I’ll rest my eyes then,” she said, closing them. “Just for a while.”

Levi nodded and leaned in, kissing her sweat-covered temple. “Take your time.”

 ***

Levi didn’t know for how long he was sitting there, watching Hange and the monitors beside her bed. Her condition wasn’t improving, but it also wasn’t worsening. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad either. She was… stable. It gave Levi hope. That Hange had defeated the disease. That she would be alright. That she wouldn’t leave Levi alone.

Levi checked his watch. It’s been almost 24 hours, since Hange had contacted the disease.

He decided to perform an experiment of his own.

Slowly, with his heart pounding in his chest and his hands trembling, Levi took off Hange’s oxygen mask. His eyes were glued to the monitor, looking for any change. He scanned each parameter again and again – Hange’s Sp02, heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature – everything seemed to be normal.

He waited for a minute, than two. Nothing changed. Levi almost breathed out in relief.

And then Hange opened her eyes.

“You know as much as I like to see your face after waking up,” she drew out, smirking. “You’re looming over me like some kind of murderer.”

Levi didn’t reply, he said absolutely nothing, staring at Hange with wide, almost unblinking eyes.

“Um, Levi?” Hange called, feeling slightly uneasy. His gaze was quite unnerving. “Is everything alright?”

Again, Levi didn’t speak, but Hange suddenly noticed that he was holding something in his right hand. She squinted her eyes, trying to take a better look. “Oh,” she breathed out, as she finally understood what he was holding. “Is that my oxygen mask?”

Levi nodded, still staring at her.

“And I can breathe without it?”

Levi nodded once more.

“Oh,” Hange couldn’t quite wrap her head around. “So does that mean that I…”

“Yeah,” Levi sighed, letting go of the mask and leaning closer to Hange. “You’re getting better, Hange.”

“Well, that quite unexpected turn of events,” she chuckled.

Levi slightly pulled at her hair. “What the fuck do you mean? Did you doubt my skills as a doctor?”

“Maybe, the tiniest bit?” Hange giggled, making an innocent expression.

Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Idiot,” he scolded her fondly.

“Mm, but I’m glad I’ve survived. Because that means we can go on our date!”

“Let’s start with getting you back on your feet,” Levi reminded. “And Hange?”

“Yes?”

“Please, take a shower before going on a date with me.”

Hange burst out laughing. “For you, my clean freak, I’ll even wash my hair!”

“What an honor,” Levi grumbled with a smile on his lips and a soft look in his eyes.

[mayabruhbruh]

Stranger Things 4 Analysis and Theory

I don’t know if anyone else has done posts on this stuff yet (it’s really likely, but i’d not want to take the credit if i’m not the only one who’s thought of this)

I know @kaypeace21 has made tons of posts on the s4 movies from Video Store Friday, and many others have theories and analyses, but back in July I took it upon myself to research more into the very last few scenes of s3. Specifically the three months later time stamp, where Steve and Robin are in search for a new job.

My main focus was the four movies that they mentioned for Keith at the counter. “Animal House”, “The Hidden Fortress”, “Children Of Paradise”, and “The Apartment”.

(reminder that if you read this, it could be spoilers for the final cut of the actual show if i end up being correct about some of this, so read at your own risk)

My first theory, which I’ve already discussed in a separate reblog, is about The Hellfire Club. But i’ll say it here too.

Basically,

(sorry for the sucky quality)

Animal House is about two awkward freshmen going into college and joining a fraternity of rejects. It matches Mike, Dustin and the Hellfire Club perfectly! Personally, my lowkey theory is that they’re going to have to go though an entirety of initiation activities (possibly drugs too, if what we’ve heard is correct) and Lucas and Max will be in their own storylines up until the supernatural threat brings them back together again. This could be wayy off, but still its my idea.

As for Max and Lucas...

I’m not sure about the entirety of the plot of this movie, but the last line sounds a lot like something that would happen between Lumax. Lucas is a basketball jock now, I think that’s crystal clear now seeing from the Pep Rally poster, and how he’s always been the one in the group to be able to mask his nerdy side. For Dustin and Mike, I know it’s much harder for them. Anyways, Max, I’m pretty positive by now, is going to be extremely distant and defensive from everyone just like she was in the beginning of s2, since she just had a big change happening in her life. It’s the same now, except with the grief and loss of Billy. My guess, from the hints of this movie and other stuff, is that Lucas is going to come face to face with his reputation as a popular kid, and his love for Max. Like the summary says, he must decide between the advancement of his career or the girl that he loves. Real hard hitting stuff.

Onto the next one. MIKE WHEELER. (or will byers)

I watched an analysis video on this movie, because I haven’t seen it yet, but again the very last line is what I’d like to focus on.

My. Jaw. Dropped.

I’ve read many analyses of Mike Wheeler being gay (courtesy of @kaypeace21 @hawkinsschoolcounselor and MANY others), but I dunno, I was always just so skeptical no matter how much it made sense. But when I saw this WHAT THE HELL?!?’);/&? It’s stupid of me to not have believed it sooner, but I hope this is the movie that foreshadows Mike’s storyline this season. I’m assuming Mike will have to “prove his expertise in battle”, or perhaps prove he can go through with all of the initiation shit for The Hellfire Club, while hiding his growing revelation that he might be gay/bisexual.

BUT a possibly more likely scenario would be that this movie connects with Will Byers’ storyline this season instead. Perhaps the hardships of a new school and a new town has Will shaken up, and he also has his sexuality awakening that he has to hide from new people. I say that it’s more likely for him, because Will has always been more heavily queer-coded (not exactly heavier, but just extremely much more apparent and obvious opposed to Mikes queercoded subtext that we really had to dig for).

I also didn’t mention this in my reblog from earlier, but I want to address my opinions on the apparent cheerleader that meets Mike and befriends one another. One of my friends on twitter said Chrissy (her name, or so we think lmao) might be a key component to Mike being able to discover and come to terms with his sexuality. But then again, a different friend of mine thinks that the amount of content were getting is oddly suspicious, and that the Duffers are feeding us all the wrong information to lead us to all the wrong conclusions. But, at this point, why not both. At the moment, everyone thinks that Chrissy is Mikes new love interest, but what if she really isn’t, and they’re pulling a Robin on us (i call it a robin because it was technically straight-baiting in s3 LMFAO). I’m not saying that she might be a lesbian (although 👀 it says on her character info that she’s 18 (robins got some game to work with now ahaha)) but it could be a straight-bait up until she helps Mike realize his sexuality (i would have said realizes his love for Will😍😍 but recently ive been trying not to input byler into everything i fucking say, so theres how that’s going). Anyways. Last movie!

Now, I’m currently not super concrete on this one to be completely honest. I have a few in mind...

Okay, so don’t attack me, but this could possibly be a mileven storyline. It sort of fits. They have an undeniable connection, but “their fortunes shift considerably and they’re pushed apart” aka the misfortune of the mindflayer and hawkins not being safe for them leads them to moving away and literally being pushed apart. I don’t know about the pursuing other relationships, but we still have no idea what’s going on with El Hopper tbh, i havent a single clue what’s going to be happening with her storyline atm. But either way, that could be it.

ORRRR the MUCH more likely scenario, Jancy :)

Bloggers on here have already predicted that they wouldn’t be endgame, and I was only slightly skeptical because although their relationship was built on shared trauma, a very unstable foundation to have for a ship tbh, i still hung onto the fact that they cared for eachother a lot :,( But the entirety of their season 3 bickering and this summary kind of sealed the deal.

Just like Mike and El, Nancy and Jonathan have been pushed apart aswell. It was already seen in season three that they’d be better of leading separate lives, aka Jonathan was doing fine at the internship, whereas Nancy could have been somewhere better for herself. I doubt they broke up at the end of season 3, but there’s bound to be new relationships for them seperately. It sucks bc I love Jancy, but s3 showed how badly they snap at one another when there isn’t a life threatening event at hand. Jopper on the other hand, I thought their bickering was adorable, but i’m getting off track, sorry lmfaoo.

Once again, I probably am not the first to talk about these, but jsyk if you steal this from me specifically i will track you down and end you. I’ve been speculating about these things since April and July, which is pretty weak tbh, but that was when i had nothing better to do LMFAO. i hope i got at least something right, but i haven’t seen many of the video store friday’s movies, which sucks bc those could really help. But whatever.

(i wrote this really late at night, and it’s poorly edited bc my eyesight sucks lmfao, but i hope you get what i mean)

And that’s it! I hope you like it, or had some sort of impact from it idk, just sharing my thoughts tbh. Anygays, if you have any questions/added ideas/thoughts of any kind, my inbox is always here, you can private message me, and comment if you want!! i love y’all sm lmfao, so excited for the upcoming content were about to get soon, byee!

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

YO SEBAS’ ROUTE HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED FOR JP I CANT WAIT!!! Do you have any theories of what could happen in his route?!?

Haha, yes, I saw this morning! For those who haven’t yet seen the announcement, it has been said that Sebastian’s route will be coming to the JPN version of Ikevamp on August 25th! It’s very exciting news, and I can’t wait to get started translating after I finish Dazai’s.

Honestly I’m finding this so many degrees of hilarious because I was like “oh ya I’m curious” at first, but after seeing that character introduction video with the lil forehead kiss and the horny as all HELL biting, I’m SLAMMING the horny button holy shit??? (I have that card CG in the JPN ver of the game on my phone and. lord jesus. That scowl. WILL HE STEP ON ME ONEGAI AKIHIKO)

Putting the rest under a cut bc is long and has some JPN ver spoilers:

That being said, let’s address the second part of the ask, shall we? Theories! If I’m honest I’m not surprised Sebastian was next on the docket, but I do admit I’m thoroughly surprised by the CG of him biting MC in earnest--he visibly draws blood on her neck and shoulder. This raises so many questions that are likely to be reiterated endlessly until his rt comes out in full, the most pressing of which is: does Sebastian turn into a vampire? Or is he just really into sadistic foreplay?

If I’m honest I sincerely don’t know if he’s fully turned, only because I’m trying to sort out the information we do have. Why turn into a vampire if the goal is to be with MC, who is also human? If we follow this course of thought, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it?

But then our boi Sebas is different in terms of his internalized conflict when compared to the vampires. Granted I may turn out to be wrong about this, but I think the two focal points of his route will be as follows: insecurity and the pursuit of knowledge. Remember that the reason Sebastian (our dearest Akihiko Sato) agrees to Comte’s proposal at all is his insatiable curiosity. I mean just think about it. If Comte told all that stuff about the mansion to someone in modern times, they would probably just figure he was a crazy person and go on with their day. But Sebas, the absolute madlad, agreed; he wanted to see if it was true, and to learn everything he could about people who exhibit extraordinary talent. 

I foresee that this, however, may become a double-edged sword. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say. What I mean to say is that it could be very possible he might turn or undergo something similar to the changing process in order to experience what it’s like firsthand (whether to prove he can handle it or because he wants to understand the residents better/gather info). Furthermore, while Sebastian is curious--with no malicious intent at all--this doesn’t mean that envy is impossible in this kind of scenario, either. Admiration and envy are like two sides of a coin; depending on how one interprets information, they can skew to self-consciousness or inspiration. Given the content I’ve seen for Sebastian so far (and man has it been limited as all heck) I often get the implication that he truly does feel inadequate in some ways compared to the other men. As soon as MC chooses him a kind of overwhelming awareness of his normalcy begins; the implication that he is the wrong or lesser choice. Knowing this, I truly wouldn’t be surprised if problems arise as a result of this self-effacing.

(Note: I don’t think that about Sebastian at all, personally! I think he’s very mindful of others and really astute--to say nothing of his skill when it comes to the domestic sphere. I don’t think just anybody could do what he does, and he sells himself far too short. I always think of how the men call him the Ninja Butler and praise how capable he is, how they freely admit the place wouldn’t be the same without him. Sometimes I wish Sebas could see that, though I understand his concerns as well ;-; I’m always torn bc I’ll be like “I understand but alSO N O”)

Besides those latent insecurities, time to expand more on the pursuit of knowledge. In one way this drive might feed his self-derision; he might believe that the more he is able to do and understand and study, the more he can be of use/help other people. (Put simply his value as a person = the increasing extent of his knowledge in an almost linear relationship; without it he is nothing). On the other hand, I think he just genuinely enjoys collecting information the way he does! He likes assessing all the different ways people behave and why, and how this contributes to how they think and who they are. More insight offers him more ways to preoccupy his endlessly moving mind, but it also offers proximity with the subject in question. This to me is absolutely key--I think so much of his studying the great men is linked to his admiration, his wish to be like them and/or his wish to be close to them.

I’d like to address a quick reference to the drinking event that recently released in the ENG version of the app, if only to expand on/clarify where this is coming from. It essentially featured Sebastian and Napoleon sharing a drink together at a bar and in it, Sebastian speaks to the way that he encountered Napoleon in his life, and the reason why he grew so fond of him. He speaks to a childhood entirely detached from the people of his own time, roving through the shelves of libraries, reading endlessly to fill that void. It was a quote by Napoleon that caught his eye and inspired him, and ostensibly the words of people long past that gave him the strength to keep moving forward. This information, coupled with his strange excitement in Isaac’s rt introduction about how Isaac used to throw hands with people who mocked him seems to bring to the forefront a few things for me. 

Sebastian is highly, highly individualistic: he doesn’t seem to care much about what is conventional or normal, only in what brings him joy and makes others comfortable/happy. His life is highly internal, but I sense no anti-sociality in this removal from societal expectations. He just lives his own way and tries not to trouble anyone. (This is also highly notable in his acute impatience with Dazai’s shenanigans/ineptitudes now and again; while he doesn’t always scold or explode, he shows a sharp and surprising impatience with willful/harmful/irresponsible behavior.) He’s tactful and measured, but highly excitable under the right circumstances. He also doesn’t seem to think much of his own life re: self-derision. Think Leonardo’s rt ending: he insists that the serial killer focus on him and not on MC, he tells her he has no qualms with dying if it means she’ll make it out alive. MC has to be the one to tell him to think more of his own life. As such I wouldn’t put it past him to have enough nerdy reckless energy to test the waters of being a vampire (all the better if it helps him understand the great men).

Comte once said it in an event story a few months ago, but I think he really hit the nail on the head in some respects. He says something to the effect of “His curiosity is admirable, but please Sebastian--some things are to remain private.” Sebastian doesn’t intend to be intrusive or malicious, he just likes knowing things for the sake of knowing. It’s about the cones answering his nerdy desire to piece things together, not stepping on people’s toes. (It’s nice too because Comte seems to understand this and doesn’t see it as a shortcoming/nuisance, he just tries to nudge Sebas in a different direction if he starts prying too close to people’s personal business ;-; pls pardon the Comte love I just can’t help myself)

Enter Johann Georg Faust.

Now then we know very little about the reserved priest doctor, but there are tidbits of information that we can work with (or at the very least, stand out to me a lot). The one I would like to focus on for this explanation is the little blurb that appears when you open the Ikevamp app and it’s loading, providing something like trivia facts for each character. In the ENG app we got those early, but we don’t have the ones for our antagonists. Iirc, Faust’s reads something to the effect of “will often sneak substances into their (as in the castle residents Vlad and Charles’) food to test the effect of his concoctions on vampires.” There have been hints that Faust is to be our mad scientist of sorts; that he is experimenting under Vlad’s orders to find a reliable way to transform a human being into an immortal equivalent to that of a pureblood. But I have mentioned on more than one occasion that I really don’t think Faust is only doing all of this for Vlad. He has his own curiosity that is seeking to be alleviated, perhaps he is satisfied with having another puzzle dumped in his lap--a means to distract himself and exhaust his faculties. 

(One has to wonder if Vlad turned them under the same principle of desperation, and if that were the case, what Faust and Charles might desire more than anything else...Is Faust operating on a kind of necessity to atone? Has he simply given up hope that scientific advancement can happen without someone getting hurt, and so he does his best to balance the good and bad wrought by his explorations? Is he trying to bring someone back himself, is he trying to stall Vlad’s efforts in his own way? I really can’t be sure; there are just too many unanswered questions when it comes to Faust...)

This is where Sebastian and Faust begin to overlap. The pursuit of knowledge, an insatiable curiosity, a capacity to overreach the bounds of appropriate civility/decorum to get the information they want. It could potentially serve as a temptation for Sebas; become a vampire by Vlad’s hand and you can watch history over the span of generations. Assist in the development of an immortal, and you won’t even need someone like Comte to walk you through the different eras of time--you could explore yourself. While Sebas seems to be motivated more by service to other people, there can be no doubt that this could cause a great deal of friction. He will have to work to remind himself why he’s doing what he does and what it means to him, and whether or not becoming a vampire is truly what he wants.

But, there is also the issue of Vlad’s telepathic manipulations. Is it possible that an encounter with Faust (and by extension, proximity to Vlad/meeting Vlad head-on) could result in Sebastian being turned/experimented on without his knowledge? I.e. Vlad using his compulsion and sending him home with a word or memory of what happened. Though that’s certainly not the only possible explanation available. The other thing I was thinking about was a mechanic that was introduced in event stories prior to Sebas’ MS announcement. In the event story, MC and her suitor of choice encounter a street merchant that boasts a serum that can turn people into vampires. They, of course, don’t believe him--but the vial is procured and MC either purposefully or accidentally is exposed to it (i.e she knocks it over and it shatters in Leo’s ES). For a brief time, she exhibits vampiric qualities; she feels the thirst for blood as acutely as any of the other vampires in the mansion. I.e. In Napoleon’s ES, Sebas notices something wrong with MC when they’re just pouring vials of Rouge--the usual prepwork--and she runs out of the room looking dazed. Her odd/new instincts are only alleviated when she bites and drinks Napoleon’s blood, but after that single episode she shows no further signs of vampiric qualities. It’s a temporary but acute transformation. While I have no specifics as to how this is possible, I have to wonder if something similar might be done to Sebastian; whether as a means to test him (does he really want this? find out after the commercial break) or a kind of trick/trap laid by the antagonists. I remain unsure, but these are the two most likely explanations that come to mind if he hasn’t been fully turned.

As to whether or not his vampirism will be permanent, I’ve genuinely been oscillating on that one. I think it’s certainly possible given his intrigue (I never see much fear in him) with vampirism and his probable enjoyment with the prospect of an endless life learning about things (I can literally hear Leonardo screaming internally and I’m ngl it’s sad and funny). But there’s also something about the bite CG that speaks to strain/alarm, to surprise--that he wasn’t at all aware of the changes within himself--and I have to wonder if it might put him off of the prospect (like that he lost control/hurt MC)...Essentially I think it will just really boil down to how the symptoms come about (temporary or permanent), and how much his affections for MC might deter that curiosity/possible wish (if temporary, he might not touch the prospect again--if permanent, THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING SEXY BECAUSE I’d wager the rest of the route might be MC trying to help him adjust/recover IN A SEXY WAY).

(Note post-translation: I fucking HATE IT HERE. The bite CG text says smth to the effect of “The bloodlust is unbearable--stay away from me; I don’t think I’ll be able to keep from attacking you.”) In light of this information, I am this 👌 close to launching myself straight into the sun. OFC his route is gonna be sweet as all shit and then it’s just gonna go downhill from there with angst. WHYYYYYYYYYY AKIHIKO (at least his voice is mega sexy and heals my wounds OTL) It also says something about “a fate that is greatly moved” so that does suggest a more permanent change than the temporary alternatives I mentioned (though we all know how Cybird loves to jerk us around so I’m leaving that up for debate)...this shit better be hurt/comfort or i s2g im throwing hands

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE ANTICIPATION IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!

Here’s hoping he’ll make for a delightful surprise! I’m looking forward to it c: 

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Forty-Three

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: TW: Mention of past abuse!!! (It’s really graphic) Fluff and Smut.

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

Harry wanted to make more of an effort to have time with you in the morning. He missed you so much all day, and wanted to enjoy the few minutes with you before you had to leave for work, so Monday morning he got up to have breakfast with you. He made you both oatmeal.

“This so nice.” You say sitting next to him at your island. “Thank you sweetie.”

“Course.” He smiles sleepily at you.

“Harry…I was wondering if you had to work late tomorrow night?”

“Shouldn’t have to, love. Why?”

“Well, and feel free to say no, but I was sort of wondering if you’d want to see Dr. Mara with me tomorrow.” His eyes softens and he puts a hand over yours.

“Did I…do something wrong?”

“No! Oh my god, no not at all.” You smile reassuringly at him. “I have sort of come to realize I have a real communication problem. You’re not a mind reader, and I feel really bad about when I sort of snap at you when you ask me certain questions…like I expect you to just understand something. It’s not really fair of me. She actually suggested I bring you with me after what happened last week, and I’ve had some time to think it over, and I think it would really help. She knows everything about me so…maybe she can help me explain some things to you. She can also be a mediator if I start to get a little snippy.”

He knew this was a huge deal for you. Harry had been to therapy before, he knew it was an incredibly vulnerable thing to do.

“I’m there.”

“Really?”

“Of course! I’m…honored you’re asking.”

“I really am sorry for all the times I’ve just sort flown off the handle. My undergrad degree is in communication for fuck’s sake, I should really know better.” So that’s why she was so good at reading others and assessing situations, he thinks to himself.

“I thought your degree was in like film studies?”

“No, no. That was my minor. My major was Communication and Media studies.”

“Ohhh, that makes a lot more sense.” He laughs.

“I should really practice what I preach. I can always tell when other people don’t communicate well. Or honestly, I’m great with like workplace, interpersonal communication. But I guess in my relationships I struggle a little.”

“I don’t love when you blow up at me, but I understand it. I can’t imagine how scary it must feel to be triggered by something, and have all of that adrenaline running through you.”

“Don’t make excuses for me, please, it’s okay. I’ve been wrong a lot of the time, I can admit to that.” You finish up your oatmeal. “Mm, this was so good.” You look at your watch. “Shit, it’s my day to pick up coffee, I need to get going.” You give him a quick kiss. “Have a great day.”

“You too babe. You goin’ t’the gym tonight?”

“Yup, should be home around six.”

“Great.”

//

You get Niall his coffee, and discuss theories about You and set up certain days to watch it during your lunch breaks. Everything felt back to normal with him which you were thankful for. The last thing you needed was for your work environment to be stressful. Your classes were all signed up for, and you’d be starting your first one in just a couple of weeks.

A companywide email went out about your annual holiday party. You were always thankful your CEO had the party at the end of January to give everyone time to recover from the holidays themselves. It was at this swanky hotel, and there was a huge ballroom for dancing. The food was always exceptional too, not to mention an open bar.

You come home sweaty from the gym, excited to tell Harry about the upcoming party.

“Hey babe!” You say.

“Hey! Just got through the door myself, haven’t had a chance to make up dinner.”

“No worries, I can cook.” You shrug. “Mark your calendar for the second to last weekend in January, the company party has been announced!”

“Oh great! What hotel is it gonna be at?”

“The Boston Harbor Hotel, it’s so beautiful!” You open the fridge and pull out some cauliflower. “M’gonna make some buffalo cauliflower, that work for you?”

“Sounds amazing.”

“Hmm, I’m gonnna have to go to Macy’s this weekend to get a dress.”

“Right, cause you don’t have enough in your closet.” He says playfully. You point your knife at him.

“You realize if I go shopping you get to watch me try on a bunch of different things right?”

“Ohh, okay, new dress it is.” He kisses your cheek as you prepare the rest of dinner.

“Your birthday is the weekend after that right?”

“Mhm.”

“I was thinking, if you wanted, we could go to a nice dinner.” He smiles at you.

“Just the two of us?”

“If that’s what you’d like.”

“I’d love nothin’ more.”

You toss the cauliflower into a bowl of your homemade buffalo sauce and toss it around. You pop them into the oven, and wait for them to crisp up a bit. You go to change out of your sweats and wrap your robe around your body. Harry’s sat as his desk. You go over to him and wrap your arms around him. He leans his head back to look at you.

“You know what this weekend is?”

“Hmmm.” He gives you a funny look. “What’s that love?”

“Five whole months together.” He tilts his head to kiss you.

“How lucky are we, hm?”

“So lucky.”

//

Harry meets you at Dr. Mara’s office after work. You were incredibly nervous, but happy he agreed to come with you. You had so much to get off your chest. He gives you a kiss when he meets you in the lobby, and holds your hand as you wait to be called in.

“Y/N?” Dr. Mara says, her smile deepens when she sees Harry with you. “Come on in. Is your friend joining us today?”

“Yes, Dr. Mara, this is my boyfriend Harry.”

“It’s so nice to meet you dear, I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.” She shakes Harry’s hand.

“Same to you.”

You and Harry sit on the couch in her office.

“Harry, I’d like you just to observe for a bit. Y/N and I usually talk about our week, and anything positive that may have happened.”

“Sure.” You don’t let go of his hand.

“So, Y/N, how was your week, since I saw you last. You seem much calmer.”

“I am! Niall and I worked everything out. We’ve set up some new boundaries.”

“That’s very good.”

“Our CEO announced our annual holiday party.”

“Oh, you love that party.”

“I do! It’s so much fun. Harry’s coming with me this year.”

“That’s great. You must be excited to introduce him to so many people.”

“I am.” You look over at him. He smiles at you.

“Would you like to tell me why you’ve brought Harry with you today?”

Harry liked Dr. Mara. She reminded him of his mum. Her demeanor was calm, and her voice was quite soothing.

“Well, after what happened last week, I had a revelation that my boyfriend is not a mind reader.” You laugh. “I can’t expect him to understand why something may be upsetting me if I don’t fully explain everything first.”

“I see. And what would you like to explain to him today?”

“Why I don’t feel comfortable doing it from behind just yet.”

Harry chokes on the air in the room. You and Dr. Mara were both so calm about the subject. He didn’t realize you talked about the nitty gritty in here.

“Harry, are you uncomfortable with this conversation?” Dr. Mara asks. “It’s alright if you are, we can work our way up to this subject matter.”

“No, no, I just, um, didn’t realize we were going to be so…blunt.”

“I tell Dr. Mara everything, she knows a lot about…us.”

“This is a safe space Harry.” She says, giving him a reassuring smile. “Absolutely no judgement. These types of situations are sort of my specialty.”

“Alright.” He smiles back weakly. He looks over at you, and you squeeze his hand. Your heart was beating fast.

“Y/N, would you like to start?”

“Sure. So…I feel really bad for our fight last week. You really did ask me a simple question, and it triggered me. But I know I handled it immaturely. And then I just got more mad when you spoke with Niall about it.”

“Why does it bother you when Harry and Niall discuss these things?”

“Because even though they’re also best friends, and should be able to talk about their girlfriends, I just feel like if I don’t want to talk about something or if I’m not ready for Harry to know something, it shouldn’t be up to Niall to just tell him anyways. I feel like you two run off to each other sometimes, and it bothers me.” You say looking at him.

“I’m sorry…I can work on that.” You nod.

“Anyways, it was the third time you had brought it up, us doing it like that. And you sort of brought it up out of nowhere.”

“It had been on my mind.”

“Why?” He looks at you and then Dr. Mara, then back to you.

“Because…it feels good, and it’s a position I’d like to really do. And you hadn’t really given me a reason other than just shaking your head or saying no. I just wanted a little explanation. I know in the past I’ve told you that you didn’t need to explain things, but I was just very confused because we’ve done other things.” You nod.

“I see how that would have been confusing, and I should have just come right out and explained myself.” You take a deep breath. “Um…I’m going to tell you something…I’ve told you a little bit about what happened that night, but not the full story. If you’re okay with hearing it, I’d like to tell you.”

“I’m all ears.” You shift and let go of his hand. You twiddle your thumbs and look down to your lap.

“You both are doing great.” Dr. Mara says.

“So that night, Jake and I had only sort of made out up until that point. I didn’t want to have sex with him yet, but there were other things I wanted to do with him, that I would have been happy to do.” You close your eyes. “I can’t quite remember how it all escalated so quickly. I know he didn’t slip me anything.” You open your eyes back up, but keep them glued on your hands. “We had moved to the bed so we could kiss more comfortably. I was on top of him at first, and then he got on top of me, and pushed my dress up. Then he moved my underwear to the side and started touching me.” Harry’s jaw tenses, but his eyes remain soft. “I was fine with it, he was being gentle.” You look up at Dr. Mara, then back to your hands. You feel a tear go down your cheek. Harry grabs a tissue and hands it to you. “Like I said, I can’t remember how it escalated so quickly, but the next thing I knew, my face was being pushed in the mattress and he was just drilling it inside me. It hurt, a lot. He didn’t make sure I was wet enough for how hard he was going.” You shift, feeling uncomfortable from the memory. “He was pretty thick, so I knew I was tearing. Because he was being so forceful, I was too scared to fight back or tell him to get off me. I didn’t know what else he might do to hurt me. So I just let him do it.” Your voice cracks. “When he was done, it felt like a razer was being pulled out of me. I don’t know how he didn’t see the blood on his penis, there had to be a ton, there was enough between my legs and on the sheets.” Harry swallows hard, grabbing a tissue for himself to dab his eyes with. “When I think of doing it from that angle again, I just…” You take a deep breath. “I’m just automatically reminded of all of it.”

“The night we, um, you know when you let me?” His voice was hoarse, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“That was different, for whatever reason. You had taken your time with me, and I felt safe. I wanna work up to doing it, I really do. I’m just…I can’t not think about it.”

“I’m so sorry…” He puts a hand on your shoulder. “I can’t imagine doing something like that to someone. I truly will never understand how people can be so cruel.” He looks at Dr. Mara. “There’s a question I’d like to ask, since we’re in a safe space. Somethin’ that’s been on my mind since you first told me everything.” He looks back at you.

“What babe?”

“Why…why didn’t you ever press charges?” Your eyes grow wide and your mouth drops open. “I’m not trying to shame you or anythin’, I just don’t understand.”

“I almost did, but I just wanted it all to go away.”

“Didn’t you ever think that he might do it to someone else?” Your body was starting to shake, and you felt your breathing start to move rapidly.

“I…I feel…” You couldn’t breathe.

“Shit. What should I do?” He looks at Dr. Mara.

“Y/N, get up and walk around, I’ll get you a paper bag.”

You get up and pace around the room quickly trying to calm your fight or flight. Dr. Mara hands you a paper bag to breathe in and out of. She rubs your back lightly.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No.” You say returning your breathing to a more normal pace. “No, it’s okay, it’s a valid question.” You sit back down. “I don’t have a good answer. I still have everything, the sheets, the outfit…it’s hidden in my storage unit. I think I just wanted to pretend like nothing happened, or that it wasn’t as serious. I didn’t really want to seek vengeance, but I see what you’re saying about him potentially hurting someone else. I was selfishly only thinking of myself.”

“You’re not selfish Y/N.” Dr. Mara interjects. “Everyone deals with these things differently, and it’s up to you at the end of the day.”

“Wouldn’t you encourage her to press charges though?”

“It’s not my job to tell her what to do. Forcing a victim to go through that trauma over and over again is a lot to ask.” Harry nods.

“Someday I might, but right now it’s just not something I want to do. I know it doesn’t make sense, Harry.”

“It doesn’t have to, it didn’t happen to me.” He clears his throat. “Not that everything needs to be about sex, but Dr. Mara, how would you suggest we proceed with all of this?”

“Well, that’s up to the two of you. Keep having this open communication with each other. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Y/N, we’ve talked about you trying small things when you feel comfortable doing so. The two of you could try getting into the position, but with no penetration. Little things like that.”

You look at Harry, and back to Dr. Mara.

“I have another suggestion, Harry I don’t think you need to come here every week with Y/N, just so she can still feel like she can talk about anything with me, but why don’t you come once a month or even every other month so we can have small check ins like this?”

“Yeah, I could do that. Is that something you’d want?” He asks you.

“Yes, definitely. This was really helpful.” You smile at the both of them.

//

When you get home later, Harry doesn’t let you out of his touch. Whether it was his hand needing to hold yours, or his arm being around you, he wasn’t to let go of you. Neither of you said much, nothing really needed to be said. He was still trying to process everything, you finally told him about that awful night. You both had gotten cozy into some pj’s, and he made some soup for dinner. You ate on the couch while the two of you watched TV. He kept a hand on your knee the entire time.

“Harry?”

“Yes, love?”

“Would you read to me for a while?”

“Like on the sofa?”

“Yeah, I could lay on your chest and get cozy. I wanna know what happens next and I don’t wanna be too tired for it.”

“Alright.” He smiles and gets up to retrieve his book and glasses from the bedroom.

Harry lays on the couch, resting against the armrest. You snuggle up to him, and pull the blanket from the back of the sofa over the both of you. He picks up where he left off, and reads the story to you. You close your eyes to imagine Eric and Jane. Two best friends. You’ve gotten to the part in the story where Eric realizes he has feelings for Jane, but he has no idea how she feels about him. He talks about wanting to be around her all the time, and anytime she’s near, his heart flutters.

“Harry?” You interrupt him.

“Hm?”

“How long have you been reading books like this for?” He shifts his glasses to the top of his head.

“God, for a long time. I never realized how much I liked them until uni though. I took this young adult literature class for an elective, and I loved like every book we read. The professor let us pick out a lot of our own to read as well, and I sort fell into this genre. I think I like them because you can just get so lost in these stories. They can get a bit steamy sometimes, but that’s not why I read ‘em. I could read about two people fallin’ in love over and over, and never get bored.”

“You’re so romantic.” You kiss his cheek. “It’s sweet.” His kisses the top of your head. “Please, continue.”

He chuckles and continues reading. The characters begin to have a fight over Jane’s son. Harry gets choked up when she tells Eric she needs to move because she can’t afford her apartment anymore. She tells him she’ll need to move in with her mother, who lives hours away. Eric offers to have them move in him, but she says no, and the fight just gets worse. Harry full on starts crying, and has to take his glasses off to rub his eyes.

“Are you alright? You’ve read this before baby.”

“I know.” He says through his tears. “This part just makes me so mad because if he just fuckin’ told her how he felt she’d stay because she loves him too.” He dog ear’s the page and takes a deep breath. “I need t’take a break, they’re both just so fuckin’ stupid. And her poor son, he looks at Eric like a father and like to rip the two of them apart? It’s fucked.”

The way Harry was getting worked up reminded you of how you cried over Max and Liz at the end of the first season of Roswell: New Mexico. You loved how sensitive he was, and how invested he was with his book. You take the book and his glasses from him, and rest them on the coffee table. You kiss him tenderly and wipe his tears away.

“I can’t wait to hear what happens next. I have a feeling they’ll work it out.”

“Yeah, but at what cost?” You burst out laughing, and so does he.

“Did I tell you earlier how much I appreciate you coming to therapy tonight?”

“I was happy to go.”

“I love you so much, Harry.” You snuggle into him.

“I love you too, baby. You’re so strong and brave, I hope you know that.”

“I want you to know that I’m open to trying some different things. Not tonight, obviously, but I’m going to be less closed off when you suggest things.”

He holds her tight to him. He was impressed with her attitude change.

//

Harry tended to keep a cool exterior at work. He liked keeping his personal life private. He worked with mostly women and only one other guy. He wasn’t close with any of them, friendly enough though. He knew a couple of the interns had crushes on him. Sometimes he wished the magazine didn’t hire on so many college students. He didn’t pay them much attention, but he could always tell when they were watching him work.

He had a small office with a desk and decent size monitor so he could edit whatever pictures he needed to on the spot. He had a few photos in there, one of his mum and sister, and one of you. Actually two. He had one from your weekend away in New Hampshire, and one from England. He snapped a cute picture of you in your pj’s on Christmas morning. You’d probably kill him if you knew that was the picture he had of you on his desk. When he needed a smile or a good chuckle, he’d look over at it. Sometimes he’d find himself scrolling through Facebook or his camera roll to look at pictures of you. He hated how much he missed you during the day, but he couldn’t help it.

He was working at his desk, he looked over at one of the pictures of you and smiled. He really did think you were cute. There’s a knock on the outside of his door, pulling him from his distraction. He looks up to see one of the interns.

“Yeah?”

“Um, hi Mr. Styles-“

“You can call me Harry, I’ve told you, it’s not that formal of a place.”

“Right…sorry, um, Harry.”

“So, what’s up?”

“Oh, right…um, I was told to give these flash drives to you. These photos need touching up.” She continues to stand in the doorway.

“Okay, can you come hand them to me please?” She blushes and walks further into the office. He holds his hand out and she drops them into his palm. “Thanks.” He says without looking at her. She notices the photos of all the women on his desk.

“Are all those women related to you?”

“Hm?” She points to the pictures. “Oh, no.” He smirks. “Well, that’s my mum and sister, and then that’s my girlfriend.” He looks at the picture and smiles, then back to the intern. “I love her very much.”

“Oh…well…that’s nice.” She stands there awkwardly.

“Did you need anythin’ else?” He asks, putting his earbuds back in.

“Nope.” She walks out and goes to the other intern, defeated. “He has a girlfriend.”

“So, not like he’s married.”

“He looked at me and said he loved her very much.” She groans. “Who was I kidding, that’s the most he’s ever talked to me.” She looks back at him. “He’s so fucking hot, of course he has a girlfriend.”

“Did you see a picture of her?”

“Yeah, he has two on his desk.” She rolls her eyes.

“Was she pretty?”

“I didn’t get a good look.”

//

You got a call around 10:30 in the morning from the realtor. He let you know that you got approved for the apartment. You squealed and yelled and freaked out in your office. You didn’t want to just call Harry to tell him. The realtor gave you all the details you needed to move forward and you told him you’d call him back in a little while. You decided to do something you never did before: surprise Harry at his office.

You looked really good today. You had blown out your hair and added some curls on the ends. You were wearing a green short sleeve shirt and a black pencil skirt that came a few inches above the knee. You had black tights and heels on. You were wearing a white blazer as well. You grabbed your long jacket, and decided to take an early lunch to go surprise him with the good news. You grabbed your red lipstick that you knew he loved so much, and touched it up in the mirror in your car.

The building he worked in had the heat cranked up, probably to keep the plants from dying. You took your jacket off, and got into the elevator up to the studio. He had described the building enough times for you to know where to go.

When you walk in you see a young man sitting at a large desk. You smile at him and ask if Harry was in. He smiles and points to where Harry’s office was. It was set up so different from your office. There was a large open space and multiple set ups for photos to be taken. All of the office had glass windows. There were some other desks out in the open. You see two younger girls looking at you, their eyebrows raised. You turn and see Harry’s name on the outside window next to his open door. You run your hand over it and knock.

Harry was deep into his work. He figured it was just one of the girls hanging around his door again. You knocked a little louder.

“Excuse me, Mr. Styles?” He rolls his eyes and sighs, taking his earbuds back out. He gasps when he sees that it’s you.

“Oh my god.” He immediately perks up, and stands to greet you, wrapping his arms around you. The interns watch the whole thing. “What are you doin’ here?”

“Got a sec?” You say with a big smile on your face.

“Yeah! Come in, let me grab the door. Not that it makes for much privacy.” You watch him close it.

“I can see why you’re not able to have sex in here.” You smirk, and sit on his desk. He chuckles.

“You look really nice today.” He takes the end of your hair between two fingers.

“Thank you.” You blush.

//

“That has to be his girlfriend.” One of the girls says.

“Shh, I’m watching. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that guy smile so much.”

//

“So for real, what’s with you surprisin’ me?” He boops your nose.

“I got a call a little while ago.” You beam at him.

“Oh really?” You bite your bottom lip, and he can’t help but stare at your mouth. “Babe, you’re killin’ me.”

“We got the apartment!” You squeal jumping up and throwing your arms around him.

“What?!”

“The realtor called me earlier!”

He wraps his arms around you, lifts you up, and spins you around. He dips you slightly and kisses you, your hands go into his hair as he deepens the kiss, not caring who could see.

The girls who were watching the entire exchange have to pick their jaws up off the floor. The boy who works at the reception desk walks by them and sits on their desk.

“That’s the luckiest bitch I’ve ever seen.” He says to them.

You break the kiss as Harry sets you back up right. You giggle at his now red lips. You take your thumb and try to rub it off.

“Sorry ‘bout that.”

“S’okay, I really don’t care. So, what do we need to do next?”

“He said we can call him together after we both get home from work. I was just so excited, I didn’t want to just-“ Your eyes bug out and you snatch the picture of you in your pj’s from his desk. “Harry!” You whine. “Out of all the pictures we took that week, this is the one you choose?” You look down at it. “I look like such a dork.”

“No, you look so cute. It makes me smile every time I look at it.” He pouts. You roll your eyes and put the picture back on your desk. He grabs your face with his thumb and forefinger. “I really, really fucking hate it when you roll your eyes at me.” He says with a smile on his face. You bite your bottom lip.

“Harry.” You whisper. “We’re at your place of work.”

“And?” You were starting to sweat. You look down then back up at him through your lashes.

“We should, um, celebrate tonight.” You put your hand on his and slide it up to your mouth, giving his knuckles a kiss. “Don’t you think?”

“Great idea.” You look over your shoulder, and squint at the three younger people watching you. They all look in opposite directions.

“You really don’t have much privacy, do you?” You chuckle.

“Nope. I think all three of ‘em have a crush on me. He’s worked here the longest out of them, he’s the least annoying. The girls are interns from some college. They bother me all the time.”

“I don’t blame them.” You smirk.

“What?”

“Harry, if I was twenty years old, and I was working at a place where I had to be around a guy that looked like you all day, I’d bother you any chance I got.”

“That so?”

“Oh yeah, I’d be in here all the time like, Mr. Styles I got you a coffee, Mr. Styles you’re needed for a photo, Mr. Styles you are so funny.” You giggle as he shakes his head at you.

“That’s literally what they say to me, minus that I’m funny. I don’t think I’ve ever cracked a joke around them.”

“Really? I’m surprised, you’re a performer at heart.”

“Oh shut up.” He nudges you. “So you really came here cause ya just wanted to tell me in person.”

“Yes, you goober.”

“Ha!” He throws his head back as he laughs. “That is seriously my new favorite word. I’m not goober though, you’re goober.” There’s a sudden knock at his door. A woman with really short hair and a tattoo on the side of her neck and a hoop in her left nostril. Harry waves her in.

“Hey Harry.”

“Hi Mariah, this is my girlfriend, Y/N, she was just stoppin’ by quick.”

“No worries, hi, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Same to you.” You smile.

“I’m having trouble setting a shot up for one of my frames and I’m starting to get aggravated, do you have a minute to help me?”

“Course, give me two minutes.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, where did you get your nose pierced? I’ve always wanted one, but the place I’ve gotten my other piercings went out of business, and I can’t find any good places around here.”

“Oh! I went to the same place I got my tattoos. It’s this little place called Rob’s Ink. Ask for Andrew, he’s the best, made me feel totally relaxed.”

“And you didn’t have any issues after?”

“Not at all. I will say if you want a hoop, just make sure you get it pierced with a stud, the hoops heal weird.”

“Good to know, thanks.” You smile.

“What other piercings do you have?” You blush.

“Oh, just my, um, naval. Pretty basic.” Harry smirks.

“Cool, mine’s pierced too. So two minutes H?”

“Yup.” She gives you a small wave as she leaves.

“She seems nice.”

“Mariah? Yeah she’s cool. She’s been here about as long as I have. She’s the only one I don’t find to be a complete idiot.” He squints at your nose. “Do you really want your nose pierced?”

“Yeah! It’s becoming more acceptable at my work. I want a little hoop, I think it would look cute.”

“It would look hot.” You shake your head and smile.

“I better go so you can help her. I’ll see you tonight. Meet me at home so we can call the realtor and then we can go grab a bite?”

“Sounds good, love.” You give him a quick kiss, and leave his office. “I love you.” He says just as you walk out.

“I love you too.” You blow him a kiss, and he catches it, putting it in his pocket for later. Your heart flutters.

Harry walks over to the interns. The young man had gone back over to his desk. Harry places his palms on the desk and leans over.

“You girls enjoy the show?” They both blink at him as he smirks at them. “Maybe you both should find somethin’ t’work on.” He stands up straight and walks over to Mariah’s set up. They watch him walk away.

“He has to know the power he has.”

“Oh yeah, he knows exactly what he’s doing.”

“What I would give to be the girl he was kissing, my god.”  

//

When you get back to work you tell Niall all about the apartment, and he hugs you. You couldn’t wait to get home so you and Harry could go over everything. He got home a few minutes after you. You both sit at island and call the realtor going over all the steps you’d need to take next. He said you’d be able to move in, in February.

“Harry I am so excited!!”

“Me too!” You both stand and hug each other.

“Okay, where do you wanna go to eat? I’ll bring my laptop and we can make a spreadsheet of our budget. I was almost thinking we should open a joint checking account that we could just both deposit into to pay the rent through automatic payments.” He had never seen you talk so…businessy.

“Um…sure, we could talk about all tha’.”

You grab your laptop and put it in its case. Harry grabs his keys and you both head out the door. You go to a local bar that had wifi. You sit on the same side of a booth so you both can add the numbers into a spreadsheet. You talk about the different banks that you go to, and research which one would be best for you both to open an account with. He was so impressed with you. Once you finish with all of the “adult” stuff, you start to sip on the drinks you ordered.

“So…we should probably tell our families soon, huh?” You say.

“Yeah, I’ll call mum tomorrow.” He smiles. “She’s gonna be thrilled, I know it.” He puts his hand over yours. “Do you want me to help tell your folks?”

“No…it’ll be alright. My mom will be fine with it. I’m sure she’s half expecting it anyways. Maybe I’ll drive in to see her Sunday.”

“I don’t mind going with you.”

“I should really tell her myself, but thank you sweetie.”

“What about your dad. I really don’t want him yellin’ at you. And this is somethin’ you should tell him in person. Do you want me to like ask him for his permission or whatever?” You laugh.

“No, he’s not like a super traditional guy. I mean Erica and Kyle (her brother, I never named him) both moved in with their significant others early on…well, not this early on. But…I’ve always been different from them. My dad doesn’t think I think everything through, but I do.” You kiss his cheek. “I’m not going to let him ruin this for us.”

“Anythin’ special you wanna do this weekend? Five months is a big deal ya know?” He smirks.

“I would love to spend all day Saturday with you.”

“That can be arranged.”

“In bed.”

//

Harry got you out of that bar and into the backseat of his car faster than you could count to five.

[yuvon-writes-letters]

[The first part the the letter is scribbled, but still readable. It’s basically a bunch of attempts to start the letter that were eventually trashed, at the half-way point is when the letter finally starts.]

Yu, and Jake apparently

First and foremost, hello Jake, welcome to the danger zone.

So I guess we now know to not mess with the blood ritual, or at least, not mess with it at the current moment. Although, I can’t ignore the potential of it. The instructions didn’t say “we’ll bring a friend” it said “we’ll give you something you’ll like”. We could totally capitalize on that, so long as we research the limits, if there’s any at all.

Also, don’t blame yourself Yu :(, I’d probably wish for friends too if I were isolated in a forest between dimensions, filled with death symbols and blood rituals and shit.

I’m writing this at 1 in the morning, because it occurred to me that we haven’t talked about your Duskwood Buddies, Yu and Lis. How are they? Because I’m thinking that we’ve been so caught in our own issues that we forgot that people can become suspicious.

I realized that, because it happened to me, just now.

I actually haven’t opened the Messenger in awhile, and the moment I did just heaps of private and public messages from both the Duskwood Gang and my unrelated family and friends asking if I was ok. It took hours just to respond to everyone, and I’m pretty sure Jessy and Skie aren’t buying any of my shit too. (Skie is, an unrelated friend btw.)

I have to wrap this up now, I need to wake up in three hours for my shift, I have so much more to say, but I don’t have the time right now.

I’ll say it when I’m free.

Rai

Rai,

The ritual does have potential, yes. But "a result you'll like" seems to use a fairly vague definition of "like". Do I like being able to talk to Jake? Yes. Do I like having him trapped in here with me? Hell no. There's nothing to say that the next time we try the ritual won't be worse. I'd really just rather not, if possible. Still, I'll take a look into it. We might not have much of a choice, when it comes down to it.

I mean, rituals are sort of like magical equations, right? Or cooking. You have a formula, you plug in materials and/or actions, and you get a result. If I can figure out if there are variables, then maybe we'll have an advantage.

Hmm. Are you implying you think I brought Jake here out of an underlying desire to have someone here with me? That's actually not a half-bad theory. If that's the variable, I might be able to edit that if I focus exclusively on one thing I want.

I think Lis' Crow Crew are all still in stasis, so they'd have a hard time getting suspicious. Though, since Jake is now free of the stasis, it might be good to double-check that they're still in stasis too. I don't know about her family and friends, though. Lis, maybe you should check that.

I haven't talked to my Crow Crew in a while either, but I suspect I won't find anything when I chat with them. They're in a lesser stasis too, after all. I'll still check, though. Oh, and you probably shouldn't worry about my non-Crow Crew friends and family. They all forgot I exist, so there's no reason for them to worry about me. I hope that clears up once I leave this place

Oh shit.

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) I do not know what precisely happened, but given the number of curses (blacked out) Yuvon is shouting, and glancing at the previous paragraphs, I think we can safely assume that the "stasis" we have been relying on is not quite as effective as we had previously thought.

I should likely check if Lilly or any of the others has messaged me, as well. I will do that at the end of this letter, I think, so I do not risk leaving off halfway through as well.

Back to the top, then.

Your implied theory about the subconscious desire is intriguing. I am not sure how we would affect that "variable" (as Yuvon put it), however. I believe I will leave that part in her capable hands. She is the one who has taken a class in psychology, after all, not myself. While she is not an expert by any means, she knows quite a bit more than I.

Asking Yuvon to not feel guilty, however, could be easily compared to asking a stone pillar to bend. I am doing what I can. Hopefully, with time, I will get through to her.

You are writing this letter at one in the morning, and you need to be awake in three hours for your shift? I am beginning to see the extent of your problems. Do what you must to survive, but please try not to neglect your personal health as much as possible. You are one of the precious few people who has shown themself capable of talking sense into Yuvon, after all. Your input is invaluable.

I will check my messages now. In case I need to abruptly end the letter to deal with interpersonal drama, I will sign off now, and if I have time will add my results as a post-script.

Sincerely,

Jake & Yuvon

P.S.: Jessica, of all people, did indeed text me fairly recently. She demonstrated concern for Yuvon and requested to know if Yuvon was in danger. I told her that I did not believe Yuvon was in any more danger than was normal for her area, and Jessica accepted it.

Lilly also texted me, concerned about my recent absences and wondering if I was in danger myself. I assured her that I was not on the run nor in active danger, and then we had small talk. I was quite glad I'd had some practice with Yuvon, but I believe I may have still come off slightly awkwardly.

Yuvon seems to be busy, so I think I will wait to

(The handwriting changes to Yuvon's.) Rai you are a fucking life saver fucking hell this is a nightmare

So apparently when I talked to them all on Father's Day that somehow jiggled something. Either it lessened the stasis massively or it just flat-out ended it. Dan was the only one still in stasis for a while but then the group noticed him acting weird(er than he was at least) and snapped him out of it. Also apparently Dan is now out of the hospital? And he's getting some physical therapy because of some of the injuries he got. That's why he's been missing recently.

Anyhow they thought that was weird, but obviously no one drew any supernatural conclusions but Jessy, and Jessy sort of went completely the wrong direction. But they were all really, really worried. Like, thought the MWAF had kidnapped me worried.

I assured them all I was okay, but I'm not sure if they actually believe me, because Cleo wanted me to take a picture to show them I was alright and obviously I can't do that, because then they'll ask why I'm in a forest with a bunch of sheets of paper and envelopes on the ground. And what the hell do I tell them then?

So, yeah, they all think I'm kidnapped and there's a sixty percent chance they think Jake did it (99 on Dan's side.) I'm going to dedicate time to catching up with them and hopefully dissuading their concerns somewhat. That ritual project's going to have to wait.

Also, I think I need to try to find Jake some coffee. I think I wake up too early for him XD He's basically made himself into a blanket monster with the one blanket that doesn't feel like sandpaper to him (though he had to rip off the tag) and is yawning every two seconds. I'm going to try to convince him to go back to sleep for a while.

—Yu and Jake

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[sosation]

On the Passing of Michael Brooks

I only relatively recently became aware of Michael, less than a year ago. In that time he has impacted my life more than any other media personality, more than anyone I’ve never met.

Even though the first time I voted was for Obama in 2008, my political consciousness really began during my 2nd stint of college at UTA circa 2014/15. My history undergrad was waking me up to the power dynamics and hegemonic systems that exist in our society. I was beginning to understand geopolitics under the tutelage of Dr. Joyce Goldberg and getting really wrapped up in 20th century diplomacy. The Snowden leaks had happened and the Michael Brown demonstrations in Ferguson were drawing attention to the militarization of our police forces and their tactics on US citizens. I began to see capitalism as consisting of, and causing and contributing too, countless problems. Then, the 2016 election cycle stoked my already burning interests.

During this time, there was little “left-tube” to be found. Since 2012, streaming on our X Box has been my wife and I’s primary means of entertainment. Slowly more and more of our time was being spent on YouTube. The Young Turks was really the only progressive voice on Youtube, to my knowledge, at that time. (I wasn’t yet aware of Pakman, Kulinski, Seder and Brooks.) And even though they were my primary source of news, I wasn’t crazy about the hyperbolic presentation, Cenk’s ego, or some of the attitudes expressed by various hosts at various times. That being said, I learned a lot. I was exposed to many many great journalists and they certainly helped me solidify and articulate many of the arguments I had been thinking and feeling during this time. I even became a Texas Wolf-Pac Volunteer right after Trump’s election. 

I ended my bachelor’s and master’s programs under the Trump presidency. (May ‘17, Dec ‘18 respectively.) During this time I read and wrote more than I ever have in my life. Under Dr. Christopher Morris, Dr. Patryk Babiracki, and Dr. Pawel Goral, I read Marxist historical theory and studied the history of the Cold War  from the perspectives of the US, USSR and Europe. I also began watching less and less TYT and more Secular Talk, David Pakman, and David Doel. While these shows are great, there was little to no international perspectives or geopolitical discussions happening. (Doel being Canadian accounts for something but, IMO, anyone who lives in the 5 Eyes is hardly a non-western perspective and therefore significantly less valuable in regards to gaining the insight of the peripheries of the globe. As the hegemonic “leader” of the world, Canadians, New Zealanders, Aussies and Brits, can point and laugh at the US all they want but they are taking our lead-systematically and economically.That’s not to say that their perspective is unimportant, just not the same as those outside the western sphere) Furthermore, there is still even less of a historical perspective being represented in regards to current events anywhere on YouTube. No one seems to have a long dureé, an understanding of how history plays out- again and again, and how capitalism is responsible for much of our recent history. Marx did. Michael did. 

I began my teaching career in earnest last summer, 2019, as a Geography teacher. First time I’ve ever had a salary and the first time that I didn’t have to wear a hat (or hairnet) to work. My lunch was 2nd lunch, 12:35-1:15. Here in Texas, The Majority Report was live and it began showing up consistently on my youtube feed so I began watching them while I ate my sandwich and apple, before students from guitar club would show up for a quick lesson before 6th period. I had watched TMR before, particularly live streams on twitch during the first few primary debates this cycle. They reminded me a little too much of an east coast morning talk show for me to take them too seriously at first but I eventually began to see that while Sam is--well-- Sam, the others on the show had quite a lot to say and clear, logical and articulate reasons for their positions...especially this guy Michael. Once I heard that he had his own show it quickly became the most listened to podcast in my feed. (This in itself is no small feet. I’ve been listening to podcasts for hours a day (sometimes 8) since 2012. It, too, no doubt contributed to my education and understanding of our world during this same time period but that is another blog all itself.)

Michael was everything that I was looking for. He was unabashedly a Marxist. He was intelligent and enjoyed rigorous thinking and leftist theory. He was hilarious and did fantastic impressions. He also was compassionate, kind and empathetic. He was a humanist, in the truest sense of the word and he understood, and articulated to me, that Socialism is a humanist movement. After I became a patron, I once asked him on Discord what his credentials were and he said that his Bachelor’s was in International Relations, which explained so much. Again, he was the only media personality that I was aware of that was knowledgeable and curious about the same things I was. He understood history. He valued history and its importance, so much so that he dedicated a separate Sunday show just to “Illicit Histories” where he would invite Historians from all over the world to discuss leftist movements in their own countries and how we could apply those lessons here and vice versa. This was it. This is what was missing from our national discourse--an international perspective and voice, and a historical perspective and voice. Michael was both and he was damn good at it. 

The Michael Brooks Show was an inspiration. Michael, Matt Lech and David Griscom were smart, eloquent, young men who articulated the systemic failures of our time, who critically discussed and analyzed our current political discourse and who pondered possible solutions based in history. The guests of TMBS, the network Michael created, really were the shining feature. Ben Burgis, Artesia Balthrop, Molly Webster, Glenn Greenwald, Adolf Reed, President Lula De Silva, Slavoj Žižek , Noam Chomsky, Dr. Cornel West, Dr. Richard Wolff...the list goes on and on and on. These people brought so much insight to the state of our world. Professors, Journalists, people who have spent their lives working on the cause, a cause for a better future, one based in humanity and empathy. Michael was able to bring his own empathy for humanity into his interviews, asking thoughtful direct questions that got to the heart of the issue-- while simultaneously bringing levity to a serious topic by making jokes in the voice of Gandhi, Mandela, Obama, or Bernie, to name a few. He, fucking, got it man. He understood how the world was connected. He understood that we are ALL humans, and that we all deserve to be treated with dignity, and he understood that Marx was right about a ton of shit and he wasn’t scared to remind you of that. 

Michael, for me, was an exemplar. He was a role model. I looked up to him. I had no idea he was only 13 months older than me, I thought he was probably in his early 40’s just based on the amount of shit that he knew. My personal 10 year goal was to be on his show. I wanted to either become a writer or go back into academia. I even wrote into a show a couple of months back and asked him which was a better choice. He was honored to be asked such a heavy question but didn’t feel comfortable giving that kind of life advice and I don’t blame him. He recommended that I continue teaching high school if that’s what I enjoy doing, and I do, and I likely will. He has shown me how to speak up for ideals that are right, regardless of what people think. Like, I understood that in the abstract, but watching someone do it multiple times a week really put it in my head that I need to advocate for my position publicly. I tell people that I’m a marxist- which in Texas is unheard of, even among leftists. Mostly due to people not understanding labels and what that even means. So I tell them. Thanks to David’s weekly recommended readings I haven’t stopped reading leftist theory even though I finished grad school over a year and a half ago. If TMBS never existed I never would have had the opportunity to read any of that. 

My heart bleeds for Matt and David. I can’t imagine what they’re going though. I want them to continue, to keep the community alive in his name. But I completely understand if that is just too painful. 

I was thinking earlier, trying to find an appropriate historical comparison to his passing. There are many but as a North Texan, the one that I ended up landing on was the passing of Dimebag Darrell Abbot. He did a lot. He accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. He inspired many to do things like him. It was entirely unexpected and not one person, not one, has a bad thing to say about the guy. Dimebag was adored. He listened to people, strangers, fans. He was kind and open-hearted and treated everyone with respect. Which made it extra hard when he passed. The same can be said for Michael. For Michael, since Socialism is more than just music, he inspired us to educate ourselves, to ask questions, to remember the periphery-Latin America, Africa, and Asia,-- to remember history and value it, to be compassionate, to educate others and to be active in our own communities. 

He will be sorely missed. The one thing I keep telling myself is that his death has the potential to bring even more attention to his message-- to help further catapult this movement into something undeniable. To bring more awareness to how power works and to finally activate us to become, as Michael said at Harvard on Feb 1, 2020: machiavellian.

 “...we still have to put work into reminding everybody that (Dr. MLK Jr.) was on the left. He wasn’t a guy who came out once a year and said ‘everybody should treat each other nicely. ...The other thing I loved about this speech was he talked about the fallacy- that certain Christians misunderstand love as a seeding of power. And then Nietzsche came along and rejected christian morality because he thought it was denying someone’s vitality- the will to power in a healthy sense, and he said ‘Love without power is sentimental and anemic. And power without love is abusive and corrosive’ I’m paraphrasing. And that was when I saw, I thought, ‘well here, ok, we know the left-wing Dr. King. Well here is the machiavellian Dr King, and I love it.’ I want the left to have Machiavelli, so we can have the strategy, the ruthlessness, the clarity, to actually win these battles. And be ruthless with institutions. And then I want us to learn how to be really kind to each other, welcoming of a broad set, and actually have a movement that has the capacity to do that.”

Let’s do the best we can to make that happen. Educate yourself about power. Educate yourself about ideologies. Read Marx and Engels. Read Slavoj Žižek and Adolf Reed. Read Michaels book Against the Web: A Cosmopolitan Answer to the New Right. Don’t get caught up in identity politics. Never lose sight of class dynamics. Use this knowledge to educate others and make informed decisions. Register to vote. Run for office. Effectuate real change. Do the intellectual rigor that was happening on TMBS every week, multiple times a week. Thank you for all that you brought to us Michael, you will be sorely missed and I hope to see you at the clearing at the end of the path. 

Anthony Sosa

7-21-20