#I conditioned myself to think oh such a feature is considered attractive in men and similarly for women

[kavehater]

Which shipper put a curse on me I literally feel so dizzy

[ohayohimawari]

And Everyone Else Knew It

A drabble for Day 5 of @kakaobiweek Blue | Safe | Mutual Pining

Brief mature humor, romance, and fluff. I hope that you enjoy reading it!

And Everyone Else Knew It

Kakashi combed his cowlicks with his fingers and tried to steady his heart as he hurried to meet with Obito.

It was part of the latter’s conditional release to have regular meetings with a member of Konoha’s security force. As Hokage, Kakashi was not only the top of the law and order food chain in the village, he was also the only one with authority to pardon anyone for war crimes. As such, the Council of Elders decided that he would be the one assigned to supervise Obito’s rehabilitation and integration back into society. But there was a problem with this arrangement.

Obito was hot, and Kakashi had it bad for him.

His attraction to his old teammate and hero set in almost the exact moment they were reunited on the battlefield during the Fourth Great Shinobi War. The shock over the fact that Obito was most certainly not dead lasted for a fraction of a second, replaced by the shock over the handsome man he’d become. Kakashi barely had an opportunity to make sense of his conflicted feelings before they fought in their Kamui dimension, where he wished they were exchanging blows of an entirely different variety.

But that would be impossible, even after the impossible became possible.

Just because Obito was alive didn’t mean he could return Kakashi’s feelings. Any daydream in which the Rokudaime might indulge quickly ended with the cold, hard fact that a man who would start an international war over a female was probably, most likely, definitely not into dudes.

Even though he wore a watch these days, Kakashi checked the sun’s position in the sky to determine the time. He quickened his pace when he realized he was running late. Running late was Obito’s schtick, and now that he was back, it seemed silly to Kakashi to mimic the habit. At least, that’s what he told himself to explain why he would always hurry to their meetings, not because he was excited to see him or anything.

The funny thing was, was that Obito wasn’t arriving late to their meetings, either.

Kakashi attributed Obito’s punctuality to his desire to make a good impression on his parole officer instead of desiring his parole officer. But what a delicious fantasy that was; it was one that Kakashi turned to often in private and one that he shook clear from his mind as he opened the door to the restaurant where they agreed to meet. They had important things to discuss this time.

Obito said he'd undergone many changes recently, so Kakashi suggested they'd meet in a more casual atmosphere than his office. That way, it could be more like two friends having a conversation instead of abiding by the guidelines of Obito’s punishment.

However, when Kakashi spied Obito waving to him from where he was already seated in a booth, the Rokudaime wondered if he’d set himself up for additional hurt by arranging what could feel more like a date to him than a meeting.

Kakashi nodded a curt greeting at the three remaining members of Team Ten, who enjoyed their weekly dinner together in the booth next to Obito before joining his unrequited crush.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’m starving, so I already ordered for us,” Obito said as soon as Kakashi sat down.

“That’s fine,” Kakashi was too nervous to have an appetite, anyway. “So, you mentioned that a lot has happened since the last time we met,” he folded his hands in front of him on the table, “you should be moved into your new apartment by now.”

“I am,” Obito nodded.

“How do you like it?”

“I mean, it’s an apartment,” Obito looked down at his lap. “It’s small, but it’s bigger than my prison cell and comfier than a cave.”

Kakashi hummed thoughtfully in response, quietly considering how Obito lived for so long in hiding and doing his best to ignore how his heart ached for the man.

“My neighbor is a kind woman,” Obito continued, briefly meeting Kakashi’s gaze. “She’s elderly; her eyesight isn’t great, and I don’t think she knows who I am,” he smirked sheepishly. “I help her carry her groceries up the stairs, and she brings a plate of whatever she bakes that day, which is really nice.”

This sent Kakashi’s aching heart into somersaults, and he figured he better say something while he still could talk. “Are you forming connections and friendships with others?”

“Yeah, y’know, Gai comes around with his student, Lee, and they invite me to train with them. They, uh,” Obito chuckled, “gave me a matching leotard, and I like sparring with them, but I don’t think green is my color,” he laughed. “It’s nice to feel included, though.”

“Gai is pretty great that way,” Kakashi agreed, thankful for his old friend and rival.

“Kurenai smiles and waves at me when I see her at the cemetery these days, so I hope that we’ll become closer over time.”

Kakashi nodded, shifting uncomfortably in his seat and ignoring how his stomach tightened.

“I dunno, there’s only one person that I talk to a lot since I’ve come back, and that’s, well,” Obito mirrored Kakashi’s discomfort across the table, “I mean, everything about my life is complicated, but that’s really complicated.”

“How so?”

“Well, they’re pretty great,” Obito’s sheepish smile returned. 

Kakashi noted that when it seemed that everything else about his old teammate had changed, that expression remained the same. Then he realized that he was lost in thought, not listening as Obito continued to talk.

“...And they make me feel safe. Which, after everything I’ve been through, that’s pretty important.”

Kakashi kicked himself for not paying attention to Obito because whatever he said made him blush.

“Anyway, that’s hopeless,” Obito muttered.

“Why?” Kakashi asked.

“Well, I was kind of a jerk to them when I was a kid, and… and then I went and messed everything up.”

Kakashi leaned over the table closer to Obito to emphasize his earnestness. “People are learning that you were taken advantage of, Obito. Yes, you did terrible things, but you were manipulated when you were vulnerable. Then, you fought alongside the Allied Shinobi Forces when we needed it, and most importantly, you aren’t running from the repercussions of your actions. That’s why I could pardon you, and it’s why people are able and willing to forgive you.”

“Do you forgive me?”

“Here’s your broiled saury,” a waitress interrupted, and Kakashi sat back in his seat so she could set his dinner down on the table in front of him.

Obito thanked her and assured her that they had everything they needed before leaving them alone at their table.

“This is my favorite,” Kakashi muttered.

“Yeah, I know,” Obito replied off-handed, reaching for his utensils.

As casual as it seemed to Obito, the gesture touched Kakashi. He swallowed down the dangerous beginnings of hope before it could take hold of his exhausted heart and sought to encourage Obito in all of his pursuits. “If I’ve learned anything from being Naruto’s teacher, it’s that nothing is ever truly hopeless.”

“There’s a first time for everything,” Obito spoke through a mouthful of food, and it amazed Kakashi that he could find even that attractive.

“They’re popular, like, really popular, internationally popular,” Obito’s eyes bulged as he stressed the point. “They could seriously have just about anyone they wanted, and I can’t exactly compete with that,” he finished, clearly crestfallen. “Anyway, let’s talk about something else.”

Kakashi was not a romantic man, and he knew it, and he also knew that he didn’t have a chance in hell with the man that sat across from him, no matter how much he yearned to reach out and reassure Obito that he was worth loving, and—

Kakashi chewed his dinner and choked on the word ‘love’ when it crossed his mind. He was in way deeper than he thought and decided that a change of subject was probably best. “You mentioned that you found a job,” he offered.

“Oh, yeah!” Obito perked up at the opportunity to share his good news. “I may not be a ninja anymore, but I’m still in pretty good shape.”

Really good shape, Kakashi thought.

“So, I was offered a modeling contract.”

Kakashi dropped his fork in his surprise, and it clattered on the table.

Obito laughed at him. “I know, it’s unexpected, but,” he chuckled again and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. “Looks like I’m going to be the next bad boy in Blue Boy.”

“Blue Boy?” Kakashi repeated, astonished. “The gay men’s lifestyle magazine?”

“You know it?” Obito asked, wide-eyed.

“Yeah, but I didn’t think you were into— I-I, I mean, I’ve bought a few editions,” Kakashi felt his mouth go dry, “for the articles.” And if Obito would be featured in its photo spreads, he’d be buying a subscription.

“Right,” Obito drawled sarcastically, and Kakashi felt seen. “Anyway, to be honest, I was amazed too,” he fiddled with the straw in his drink, “I don’t exactly consider myself to be fashion model material.”

“You’re hot!” Kakashi was juggling too many surprises, and as a result, dropped his filter. Then he did his best to pick it up and put it back on when Obito’s eyes snapped to his face. “I mean, that’s hot, I mean, good for you,” he wished for the earth to open up and swallow him, or for an assassin to show up intent on taking him out, or—

“You think I’m hot?” Obito asked quietly, tenderly, longingly.

Kakashi licked his lips and opened his mouth to speak but closed it when everyone heard Shikamaru’s groan from the table next to them.

“Mendokusē! Would you two just kiss already?”

Both men sat in silence, staring at each other. Kakashi felt as flushed as Obito looked.

“Shikamaru’s right,” Choji agreed. “You two are worse than a one-hundred-thousand-word slow burn fanfic.”

“Oh, I love those!” Ino gasped.

“A what?” Kakashi asked.

“Who cares,” Obito answered, his eyes beginning to smolder in a way that Kakashi had only dreamed. “Let’s pay the bill and—”

“My place or yours?” Kakashi flagged down their waitress.

“How about ours?” Obito asked, his Sharingan eye already spinning.

[luxekook]

bangtan host club ❯ part i

❯ pairing: ot7 x reader

❯ genre: ouran au, college au, crack, smut

❯ summary: when you had decided to take summer lessons at your college, you hadn’t factored in the impending presence of seven insufferably attractive and arrogant boys… the bangtan host club. 

❯ word count: 2.1k

❯ warnings: 18+, cursing, suggestive language, terrible pet names, excessive dramatics

❯ banner by: maggie @kimtaehyunq​

a/n: while this fic is loosely based off of the anime version of ouran highschool host club, it is set in university - meaning that all of the boys are of age (at least 21 years old)

host club members

❯ Kim Namjoon as “Kyoya Ootori” ❯ Kim Seokjin as “Tamaki Suoh” ❯ Min Yoongi as “Takashi ‘Mori’ Morinozuka” ❯ Jung Hoseok as “Mitsukuni ‘Honey’ Haninozuka” ❯ Park Jimin as “Hikaru Hitachiin” ❯ Kim Taehyung as “Kaoru Hitachiin” ❯ Jung Jungkook as “Haruhi Fujioka”

Taking summer classes had never been on my agenda, my studies having been mapped out in detail since the day I arrived on campus three years ago. And then the university’s president suddenly has this utterly groundbreaking epiphany and adjusts the curriculum to “ensure that all students will leave Bangtan University well-rounded”. 

Screw that. My ass is already well-rounded enough, thank you very much.

But despite my best efforts (i.e. begging President Kim to make an exception followed by crafting a petition that gained over ten thousand signatures), I have found that there is no avoiding the dastardly new physical education requirement. And since my schedule for my upcoming senior year has been planned and set for literal years, I’ve been forced to enroll in the sole summer physical education class offered at Bangtan University - Introduction to Weight Lifting.

I wish I was kidding.

To say that I am dreading the start of class tomorrow would be an extreme understatement. I’ll be lucky to escape this summer without physical injury or the loss of my dignity. Athletics have never been my strong suit, and I’ve only entered our campus gym to go to the smoothie bar.

Groaning at just the mere thought of working out and being graded for it, I trek down the streets of outer campus towards the library, swearing under my breath and sweating profusely.

It’s a blazing hot, blue-skied Sunday in July. Typically, I would be lying on a beach somewhere with a drink in my hand, soaking in the warmth of the sun with joy. But instead, here I am, sweltering and desperate for air conditioning after my ancient window unit wheezed its final breath last night. The comfortable chill of the library is my only hope aside from my landlord who promised to fix my air conditioning by tomorrow.

My frustration builds as I turn onto the block lined with imposing and picturesque estates in which the upper echelon of Bangtan University resides. I’d bet the very last ice-pack in my freezer that these houses have unfailing central air.

I pick up my pace, worn Doc Marten platform sandals slapping against the hot pavement. The pristine mansions seem to mock my distress as they exude the coolness of unbothered wealth. Despite there being no Greek life here at Bangtan University, the lack of letters emblazoned on the numerous estates I pass does not symbolize a lack of status. 

This block is home to the athletic teams who throw massive parties whenever they happen to be in the off-season. It’s also home to the legacy clubs - the exclusive groups of current students who are relatives of past alumni.

And last but not least, this block is home to the infamous Bangtan Host Club, a small group of idle rich boys with exceptionally good looks and a penchant for entertaining. 

The aforementioned group’s house comes into view as I draw nearer to campus. The host club’s mansion sits on the corner lot right across the street from campus. Typically, students are wary of such proximity - but not those boys. No, they’re un-phased, throwing massive parties every weekend without fail and without repercussion.

During my first semester, I had been confused as to why their parties had never been shut down; but now I know better. The host club’s president Kim Seokjin is the son of none other than the fucking president of the university - the very same man who damned me to my weight lifting fate.

In fact, almost the entire host club is related to someone with influence - either at the university or within the surrounding community. The only exception to the wealth factor is Jeon Jungkook, who attends Bangtan University on a scholarship not unlike myself.

About 99% of the university are host club stans. As for me? I don’t subscribe to that bullshit. And I do mean literally ‘subscribe’. They have newsletters, merch and everything. I would say I don’t understand it at all, but a small part of me does.

They’re fucking gorgeous. Like I’m talking Tom Ford at New York Fashion Week gorgeous. Armani catalogue centerfold gorgeous. Goddamn Sports Illustrated Men’s Swimsuit Edition gorgeous. 

In fact, I’m pretty sure Kim Seokjin actually does model in his spare time. With his long limbs, broad shoulders and pillowy lips, Seokjin certainly has the features for it. My freshman year roommate bought so many posters of Seokjin from the host club’s merch website I think I could identify him from a hundred yards away in the dark. 

“Hey!” The bellow emanates from the porch of the host club’s house and jolts me from my memories, “Hey, princess!”

I let out a snort. Whoever that pet name is directed at needs to shut that down immediately. I mean, ‘princess’? In this economy? Please. I need off this block ASAP.

“Hello? I’m talking to you, angel!” 

The voice sounds closer now, and my eyes squeeze shut. Oh god, this person cannot be talking to me, can they?

Princess? Angel?

The sheer absurdity pushes me onward, and I do not spare a single glance in the direction where the inane greetings originated. Alas, I barely make it two feet before a tall figure screeches to a halt in front of me, panting like he had just run a marathon. 

I blink as I take in the very boy who just crossed my mind a minute earlier. Kim Seokjin looms over me, chest heaving and smile gleaming.

“Cupcake, hello!” his smile grows wider, “Why didn’t you answer me? I was talking to you.”

My brain is trying to wrap itself around the unfathomable phenomenon I’m currently witnessing. The host club president is beaming down at me like I’m the last custom Rolex ever made. His white t-shirt that probably costs more than my rent stretches across his shoulders in a way that has to be illegal. 

A bead of sweat drips down my back between my shoulder blades. I don’t have time for this attractive detour; I only have time for a long sip of iced water and a seat under an air conditioning vent somewhere deep within the recesses of the quiet library.

“Were you?” I shrug, looking over his illegally broad shoulder and plotting my escape, “I didn’t realize, considering my name isn’t princess, angel or cupcake.”

I inwardly cringe at my tone. I have a tendency to be irritable when the weather is hot, and it seems like today is no exception.

Seokjin stares down at me, his cocky expression wavering for a split second before snapping back into place. “Well, tell me your name then, sunshine, so that I may cordially invite you to the host club’s latest summer extravaganza!” His dark brown eyes sparkle as he remains seemingly impervious to my building ire, beaming down at me.

“No, thank you,” I shake my head decisively and attempt to sidestep around him. 

None of my friends are on campus for the summer, and there is no way I'm going alone to a party full of strangers. That just screams bad decisions, just like the time I willingly ate the dining hall’s “Mystery Meat Special” during my second semester.

Seokjin cuts off my path yet again, and my scowl intensifies as I glare up at him, “Could you move, please?”

Seokjin gapes back at me, “D-don’t you want to come to our party?” I stare at him with eyebrows raised. He continues at a higher decibel, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The nerve of this boy. My eyes scrunch shut as I send a quick plea to anyone out there in the universe to send me patience and then internally count backwards from ten. 

“Yes, I know who you are, Kim,” I finally say, completely exasperated, “And no, I still don’t want to go to your party.”

Seokjin is gobsmacked, looking like he’s seen a ghost as he stands before me open-mouthed. For a second, I allow myself to indulge one more time in his attractiveness, my eyes wandering along his toned torso, his muscular arms, his high cheekbones, his messy brown hair. 

And then he bounces back, snapping his fingers, “Aha! I know what this is. You’re playing hard to get! Okay, I can play along with you, sunshine.”

It’s my turn to gape at him this time, watching as he mumbles to himself about how I must want him to beg for me and how he would just love to do so. I’m about to put a stop to this madness when he spreads his arms wide and announces loud enough for the entire block to hear, “Sunshine, please, attend our party! My heart longs for your presence, and I will only be happy if I can have your arm in mine next Friday night...”

I’m honestly beginning to worry about the boy in front of me. Is he completely unhinged? Am I being Punk’d right now? 

Seokjin prattles on, “So, my sun, my moon, my stars, will you please do me the honor of joining me for a night of fun courtesy of the host club? No guest has yet to be disappointed and—!”

I finally just reach up and cover his mouth with my palm, steadfastly ignoring how plush his lips feel against my skin. “Kim Seokjin!” I hiss, “I promise I am not playing hard to get. I simply do not want to go to your party. Now, please, for the love of god, let me walk by you in peace.”

Loud bursts of laughter sound immediately after I finish speaking, and I whip around to locate the source. Two boys jog over to where Seokjin and I are standing on the pavement. Their laughter doesn’t subside with their approach. If anything, it grows louder.

“Oh, come on, pres,” the pink-haired boy who I know to be Park Jimin jeers, his melodic giggles punctuating each word. “Is this how you plan on handling your first rejection?”

My eyebrows pull together in confusion as I turn to face Seokjin, only to find him lying dramatically on the lawn in front of his house with one arm throw over his face.

“Go away, Jimin,” Seokjin groans, ripping out a handful of grass and throwing it at the other boy. Obviously, he doesn't calculate for the wind and sputters when the grass blows back in his face.

“Boss, you’ve really hit a new low,” the blue-haired boy - Kim Taehyung - grins as he looks back and forth between me and the over-the-top performance happening on the lawn. All Seokjin does in return is flip Taehyung off, seeming to have learned from his grass-throwing lesson.

Well, there’s no need for me to stay a second longer within this realm of crazy.

I turn on my heel and head off towards the library, renewed in my desperation for the relief of blissfully cold air.

Alas, I don’t get too far before the two boys with colorful hair are in front of me - each with an arm thrown over the other’s shoulders. 

“Well, well, well… I must say,” Taehyung drawls.

“You’re quite an intriguing little thing,” Jimin cocks his head, looking me up and down. I try in vain to steel myself against the heated assessments both boys are giving me.

I’d heard a lot about these two - most of it being completely outlandish and borderline unbelievable. Do they really do everything together?

It’s as if that thought is written all over my face as the smirks grow on the faces of Jimin and Taehyung. “If you don’t want to come to our party for Jin-hyung…”

“Will you come for us?” Taehyung finishes Jimin’s thought, and I am almost certain that he intended for that question to be as suggestive as it sounded.

Before I can even attempt to answer, Seokjin launches up from the ground and barges in between the two boys. “Yah! That is no way to speak to a lady! Have I taught you nothing? Don’t you fools remember lesson number fifty-two on being a good host?”

“We didn’t say anything inappropriate, pres,” Taehyung shrugs, looking pleased with how riled up the older boy is growing. His pink-haired counterpart grins, “If anything, you’re the one with the dirty mind, twisting our innocent words into such filth.”

It’s as if Seokjin is struck by lightning - his shock turning him pale as a ghost before the redness overtakes him. I cannot tell if it’s due to embarrassment or anger. All I know is that I need to bounce.

When Mt. Seokjin finally erupts, I slink away and practically jog across the street to campus. Ah, free at last...

a/n: this is part one in my host club series! originally i was going to make this a giant one-shot but i figured i would just break it up into smaller pieces so that i could get some content out uwu

© luxekook do not repost, edit or translate

[tsukikento]

Empathetic Ch. 5

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

Summary: After your mom, the number 1 hero in America, gets offered a teaching position at U.A., you two pack up your things and head to Musutafu, Japan to start a new life. Pressure for you in America was at an all-time high, and now you're in Japan, where almost no one knows you, or your family's past.

This tale starts on your first day of class where your new teacher decides the best way for you to fit in is to fight against the strongest person in your class: Bakugou Katsuki.

Warnings/Genre: This piece will feature some angst and reference to an abusive parent, if you are ever worried about other tw’s feel free to send me an ask and I will let you know. There will also be fluff, slight angst, pining, and slowburn.

A/N: This is also posted on ao3 under @allie_win. I’m transferring it over here, pls let me know if you like it! I love your comments! Just a note that any italics means thoughts.

(series masterlist)

~~

When you woke back up, your head was pounding and you were on your side. As your vision came into focus, the first thing to hit you was how goddamn bright it was. Next was the crushed building to your left. Your head pounded even harder and you realized you must have been the person to cause the imprint in the building.

Kaminari was looming over you, his electric cage was covering both of you. You blinked up at him and he smiled down at you. “Glad you're awake,” He quietly spoke.

You groaned in response and slowly sat up. Chaos was around you and Bakugou worked hard to keep anyone from getting to you and Kaminari. He somehow looked even worse than before.

At that moment, a blast of fire came in your direction and Bakugou quickly hit Todoroki and stopped the fire just in time before it reached you and Kaminari. The heat warmed your body for a moment before the cold wind came crashing back, tickling your skin and giving you goosebumps.

You felt like a burden considering your teammates had to watch after you when they should be defeating the other teams. You looked around you to see how intense the situation was. Sato, Todoroki, and Ojirou were the only people you saw. In the distance, you saw Koda laying on the ground, presumably unconscious.

Where’s Hagakure? I thought she was with Ojirou. Maybe she found Ashido and Uraraka… I wonder where Ashido is anyways.

“Kaminari,” Your voice was hoarse and you coughed a couple of times because of how dry your mouth was. You paused and the electric boy looked back at you after watching Bakugou get a hit on Sato. “Don’t worry about me, just help Bakugou.”

Your voice was still weak and you really needed a glass of water, but there were more important things to deal with at that moment.

Kaminari was reluctant to drop his shield so you weakly grabbed his arm and used your quirk to reassure him.

“Stop that,” Kaminari spoke, pushing your hand off of him, “Just rest okay? I know you can handle yourself.”

You nodded as Kaminari stood up, effectively dropping his shield. He looked around and rushed towards Ojirou, his hands already twitching as electricity sparked from his fingers.

You watched the battle, the sounds of fighting, specifically the explosions, making your headache worse. Kaminari was shocking Ojirou and Sato with the disks attached to his wrists while Bakugou fought off Todoroki. You tore your attention away from the explosions to try and locate Ashido. Her thoughts were unclear and almost like static in your head, but you could hear enough.

Ashido was still fighting against Uraraka, and yes, Hagakure was with them. Ashido didn’t seem too tired which meant you couldn’t have been knocked out for more than a few minutes.

You slowly stood up from your spot on the ground, your head pounded as if begging you to sit back down. Honestly, you really wanted to curl up with some hot cocoa and watch TV, but you knew you couldn’t have everything you ever wanted. And so, you ignored the headache and watched the situation unfold, thinking about what you could do next.

Bakugou looked pretty beaten up, and it would be in your best interest to help him against Todoroki, but his ice and fire powers would be difficult to fight against. It was as if he only needed one second to come up with a plan and execute it, making it horribly difficult for you to dodge something so strong. Bakugou could escape his attacks or even take them head-on, but you were not fast enough or strong enough to break free of his ice walls.

You turned to Kaminari, who had done good damage against Sato and Ojirou. Both men needed to touch someone to damage them, and Sato was pretty slow, meaning Kaminari was able to get some decent hits on them.

In fact, Sato looked like he was slowing down drastically.

What is this kid’s quirk again? Something to do with strength?

Either way, you knew you could help Kaminari more than Bakugou so you ran towards him, making quick work of devising a plan. You ran towards the sluggish Sato, who saw you coming and got ready for a fight.

If you didn’t dodge and he hit you, it would hurt. Badly. However, if you dodged and grabbed any part of him, you knew you could put him to sleep easily. You ran faster and Sato aimed to punch you in the jaw. At the very last moment, you ducked, his punch instead hitting the air. From below, you grabbed his chin instead of punching it which was your usual move.

Unlike most people, Sato was already tired when you tried to make him sleep. The switch was already there, and within only a moment, you had him asleep. Although tired, you knew he would eventually wake up if you let go. You needed him to pass out but Kaminari and Bakugou were both busy, and you needed to do this yourself.

Still holding on to Sato by his shoulder, you started punching. His body panicked as you punched him, writhing in place. In fact, you lost your grip on his shoulder for a moment and he almost woke up, but you reassured him with your empath quirk while still punching.

The calm Sato was now bleeding from his nose, but he wasn’t quite there yet. Just a few more punches and then he would finally be passed out.

One. His heart rate sped up once more and his body tensed.

Two. You calmed him down and told him to just rest.

Three. He was finally passed out, his body no longer strong enough to fight against you to stay awake.

You sighed and let go on him, taking a few breaths to calm your headache. You took this moment to check back in on Ashido and--

Holy shit!

She had it! She had the flag and was heading back to base. Hagakure was trailing behind her, but Uraraka was defeated and had a horrible stomach ache preventing her from fighting against Ashido anymore.

Ashido was tired. Her body was slower than usual. And you knew Hagakure was planning something. You could run away from the current battle to help her. That would probably be the best choice, but in this condition, you were too slow to catch up to them. Bakugou would be the fastest, but you also needed him against Todoroki. That meant that the best choice would be Kaminari.

Would Kaminari be able to fight against Hagakure though? She must have taken off her clothes to go full invisible and that might just ruin Kaminari to know.

You tried to stand up, knowing it would be better if you chased after Ashido to stop Hagakure. However, you still needed to tell someone where you were going.

At that moment, Bakugou blasted up to the sky, avoiding a blow from Todoroki. He was now closer to you than he was to Shouto and so you ran towards him, albeit quite slow.

“Bakugou!”

The blond boy looked at you and worry rushed through his head at the sight of your slow body running towards him. You tried to prevent your cheeks from flushing pink at the idea of Bakugou caring for you, so you brushed it off with the idea that Bakugou needed you healthy to win. He quickly propelled himself towards you. His brows were furrowed with concern as his eyes wandered across your body to check your injuries.

“Stop worrying, I’m fine,” You mumbled as he inspected your head for any cuts. “If anything you are worse off than me.”

“Hardly,” He scoffed, “I can handle myself, you passed out at the first hit.” He pointed his finger towards you and you quickly pushed it out of your face.

“Shut up, I didn’t come here to bicker about who is worse off, I need to tell you something important,” You replied.

He looked at Todoroki, who was currently making his way towards you, “Hold on, I’ll get us somewhere safer.”

“What?”

Bakugou grabbed you by your waist before you could even process the plan in his head. God, I am way too fucking tired, you thought as the smell of smoke and caramel filled your senses. Bakugou used his other hand to blast you both up and onto a building. It was one of the tallest buildings and it would take Todoroki a moment to reach you at such heights.

Your face flushed at Bakugou’s muscular arm holding you. You couldn’t tell if you were hot because of your embarrassment or because of Bakugou’s explosions. Before you could figure it out, you and Bakugou landed safely on the building and he quickly let go of you. You felt much colder now.

“Okay, tell me,” Bakugou said, getting straight to business. Obviously not startled about holding you by your waist and carrying you to safety.

“Oh, um,” You stuttered, trying to refocus your attention on what was important and not on how goddamn attractive Bakugou looked. Has he ever carried anyone else to safety like that before? You shook the thoughts out of your head, knowing full well that Bakugou thought you were and bumbling idiot. “A-ashido got their flag,” You practically yelled, “but Hagakure is chasing after her and is still at full strength while Ashido is pretty tired. I need to get to them to help her. So, I’m leaving.”

Bakugou looked you up and down. You can’t catch them in time, you are too beat up, he thought.

“I know, but you need to be here against Todoroki and Kaminari can’t fight against a naked girl,” You replied.

I guess so, he thought. He took a moment to look down over the building and onto the battle. You took a few steps to follow his lead.

Sato and Koda were passed out on the ground and Ojirou and Todoroki were currently fighting against Kaminari, who was wondering where you and Bakugou went.

“He can handle himself, he hasn’t even used his strongest move yet,” Bakugou responded. “I have time to get you to wherever and back here to help him.”

“No, Bakugou, don’t worry about me--”

“I’m not worried about you. I want to win,” Bakugou interrupted. “So just shut up.” He wiped his right hand off on his pants before using said hand to grab you by the waist again. His hand swept around and happened to brush past your training uniform so Bakugou was touching your skin. The heat from his hand warmed your cold skin.

You knew he was nervous from not only his thoughts, but the emotions he held that rushed through you at the slightest touch. However, your brain was also rushing with wild thoughts and concerns. Your face was flush red and you looked down so Bakugou couldn’t see your bashful appearance.

Part of you was happy Bakugou was just as nervous as you. But then again, your heart was beating so fast. Bakugou pulled you against his chest. You could hear your heart beating much faster than his, which meant he could also hear your heart beating much faster.

How is he already calm, his heart is barely beating! And here I am, an absolute mess!

When Bakugou pushed off, pulling you out of your thoughts, you yelped. Bakugou ignored the noise and kept flying before stopping a few buildings over. “Where is that invisible brat?”

“That way,” You pointed towards the center where all sectors meet, ignoring the insult towards your friend. If you could even say she was your friend.

Bakugou blasted off again, grunting in response. Every now and then, he would land on top of a building and you would use your quirk to locate Hagakure. Soon enough, the distance was minimal. “Quiet down, we are approaching,” You said.

Bakugou looked down at you from on top of the short building. “I can’t be quiet, I have explosions that come out of my hands.”

“Okay, okay, whatever. Just hop over to that pointy building,” You responded.

Bakugou listened to you and blasted off towards the building. Once he landed on top, he looked at you for further directions.

You placed your finger on top of your mouth in a ‘shushing’ motion to tell Bakugou not to make noise. You pointed down and Bakugou followed your fingers to see Ashido sliding through the streets with the flag. He looked back up at you and you leaned into his ear. “Hagakure is right behind her, waiting till Ashido is back at the base so she can take both flags.”

Bakugou nodded in response. Do you want me to land you with Pinky?

You shook your head. “No, I wanna fight her on my own while Ashido gets back to base.”

Bakugou looked at you and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. I don’t think you are strong enough for that, idiot.

“Yeah, I am,” You pouted. “Don’t underestimate me Bakugou.”

“I’m not, you beat me before so I know you are strong. However, you are pale and cold. You lost blood and I am sure your head is still pounding,” He countered, crossing his arms in defiance.

You groaned at how well Bakugou knew you. Someone you only met a few days ago shouldn’t know you this well, and yet here he was, proving you wrong. “I can do it, okay? Just trust me a bit.”

He looked at you. Really looked at you. His crimson orbs stared into your soul and you had half a mind to wonder if maybe he was an Empath too. If only he knew that he was making you so goddamn nervous with just one look.

“Okay.”

“Huh?”

“Okay,” He responded. “I trust you. I’ll drop you off and you’ll kick her ass. Then I’ll kick Half-and-Half’s ass. Then Deku’s. Then we will win.”

“Ah,” You responded, “So ass is necessary when winning. What good priorities.”

“I didn’t say that you pervert!” Bakugou practically yelled.

You chuckled in response and Bakugou just groaned even harder.

“Shut up, you bastard,” Bakugou mumbled.

“Okay, okay!” Your laughter finally died down. “Just bring me to that building and let me down.”

Bakugou grumbled and tightened his grip on your waist--

Holy shit his hand was still on my waist.

--and blasted off effortlessly.

When you landed on the building, you scoured the ground to find Hagakure and Ashido a few paces ahead. You pointed at the opposite side of the street which was out of view for the other two girls and Bakugou easily landed you on the ground without drawing any attention to the both of you.

“Thanks,” You mumbled, pushing yourself out of his grasp and brushing invisible dirt off your clothes.

Bakugou merely nodded in response. Don’t fuck up.  

“I won’t,” You retorted.

Bakugou smirked at you and your insides flipped.

When you first saw him fight in the sports festival, you thought he was cool and handsome. And now here you were, face to face with someone even more attractive than you perceived and even stronger than before. You couldn’t help but smile back at him as the pink hues in your face showed themselves again.

Bakugou turned around and quickly ran off towards the battle of ice and electricity that erupted in the distance. Bakugou pushed himself into the air using both his hands to move faster than he was when he carried you.

You turned back around to face the tall, cement buildings and concentrated on locating Ashido and Hagakure. Neither of them were too far away, and luckily they had no idea you were here.

You made quick work of quietly trekking over to Hagakure, trying to figure out how you could sneak up on the sneakiest person in your class.

Your head pounded as you once again tried to hone in on exactly where Hagakure was hiding. You were so tired and craved a nap, and yet you still needed to get the Blue Team’s flag and ensure Ashido’s safety. You were too scared to sigh and kept your shallow breaths to yourself as you followed behind Hagakure, waiting for the perfect time to attack.

The invisible girl was currently focused on Ashido who just slid out of view with the green flag in hand. The pink girl had no idea Hagakure was behind her, and thought she was completely in the clear. You closed in on Hagakure, ready to punch the air you hoped she was standing. Toru was focused on Mina and didn’t hear you approaching. Although you weren’t sure exactly where she was, you just needed to touch her in order to ensure Ashido’s safety.

You reached out in front of you and grabbed onto whatever you could, not quite sure what it was. The invisible girl gasped and rotated out of your grasp.

“Y/N,” Hagakure squealed, “You found me!”

You smiled at your friend but took her surprised state as a chance to attack. You clenched your hand into a fist and punched eye level to yourself, hoping you hit her in the nose.

The girl groaned, proving your assumption was right. You heard her take a few steps back so you pushed forward and grabbed at her, trying your best to make the girl sleep. Unfortunately, you didn’t grab anything and Hagakure regained her stance by the time you realized.

“Warp Refraction: Say Cheese!”

A burst of light shot through the sky and reflected off of Hagakure, effectively blinding you. “Aw, fuck!” You stepped back and closed your eyes because of the brightness.Your head pounded and you knew Hagakure was planning on punching you, but the sharp light prevented you from moving.

A sharp pain shot through your stomach and you suddenly felt like vomiting.

You groaned and shot down to your knees.

Focus! You told yourself. You needed to ignore the light and just use your quirk to create a picture of the scene in your head.

I got her now, Hagakure thought. I’ll kick her and then-

As her shin raced towards your right side, you blocked her hit with your forearm and used your other hand to reach up to grab her arm. You pulled the invisible girl towards the ground. “Sleep!” You shouted, more for yourself than for her. You worried you wouldn’t be strong enough to actually make Hagakure fall asleep. However, the lightswitch appeared in the cavern of her mind and you flipped the switch as if it was your last dying action.

You breathed over the sleeping girl and debated your next actions. You should punch her till she passed out, but wondered if you could bring yourself to hurt your friend. You were way too tired to push her into a sleep that would last long enough to secure Ashido’s safety.

You decided to drag Hagakure into the nearest building. You knew you needed to make her pass out, there was no point in forcing her into a sleep she would just wake up from. You sighed before pulling back your fist. Although you couldn’t see Toru, you still punched the girl, using your opposite hand to get a reading on her emotions. In the body, you could tell when someone is passed out and when that moment came, you finally stopped and sat down for just a moment.

You needed to stand up. You couldn’t stop.

Maybe you just weren’t cut out for this class. Maybe you needed to be put into a lower class level. Your old school never did exercise this intense. You ignored the depressing thoughts and told yourself to just finish this battle. Finish this battle and then you can figure out whether or not you deserve to be here.

You pushed yourself off the ground when a groan. Your stomach didn’t hurt from the punch anymore, but your knees were definitely bruised and your head still pounded with every use of your quirk.

Speaking of which, you left the building and faced where you saw Ashido disappear from minutes ago. You used to quirk to locate her and noticed how far away she was. Although tired, you didn’t put much thought into your actions and started running after the pink girl. You knew she was much faster than you when it came to travel distance, but part of your skills was the speed to avoid moves and you hoped that would pay off today.

Ashido was close to crossing the boundary, close to safety, proving that she was much faster than you, making it difficult to catch up to her. You knew she would stop eventually though, she didn’t remember where the base was set up. When Ashido crossed over the tape into the orange sector, she paused for a moment, debating which way to go. During that time, you were able to catch up just enough that you could call out to her. No one was near, so you didn’t have to worry about anyone overhearing.

“Ashido-kun!” You called out to your friend as you watched her turn the corner down an alleyway.

Within a moment, her head popped back around the corner, and she smiled brightly at you. “Y/L/N-kun!” She used her quirk to slide across the concrete road towards you. “It’s so great to see a teammate!” She stopped in front of you and waved the flag like a child who won a toy. “Look what I got!”

You smiled in response. “Good job!”

Ashido’s smile widened. You didn’t have to touch her to realize how excited she was to see you and to be helping the team so greatly. “Can you help me find the team? And you can tell me how everyone is doing on the way.”

“Yeah, just follow me,” You responded, before heading towards your team.

You were able to use your quirk to see that Kirishima and the others were still located in the corner they originally stationed themselves in.

After making a path in your mind on how to reach your team, you started telling Ashido how the battle was going on your side. “So, I know for sure that I and Kaminari knocked out Tsu. While we fought her, the other teams found Bakugou and teamed up against him. We caught up with them. By the time I left, Sato and Koda were unconscious leaving Todoroki and Ojirou to fight against Kaminari and Bakugou.”

You took a moment to check back in on Kirishima’s location as Ashido listened tentatively to your story. “I think that they can beat Ojirou, but Todoroki is difficult. If Bakugou and Kaminari get so caught up on fighting against Todoroki, we won’t be able to go to the blue sector and get their flag.”

“Yeah, I’m sure everyone is going to come after us now,” Ashido added.

“I wonder if the Green Team is still fighting the Blue Team,” You mumbled.

“Can you check?” Ashido asked.

“Yeah,” You sighed, “But my head really hurts from using it so much, so I don’t think I should. It’s probably more important that I rest up.”

Ashido hummed in response, not asking you any more questions.

After another minute of walking, you finally came into view of your team. You were able to see Kirishima’s prominent red hair shining in the sun. Around him was tape attached from wall to wall, as if blockading them in, no one was small enough to reach through the small gaps left. However, you knew multiple people in the class you could blast through or even sacrifice themselves to create an opening for others. Kirishima turned around when Ashido yelled out his name.

“Hey!” He smiled at you both, excited you captured their flag. He turned to look at something you couldn’t see. “Sero! Take some tape down so Ashido-kun and Y/L/N-kun can get in!”

Sero walked into view and casually waved at the two of you before using the sharp edge at the end of his helmet to cut some tape. He gave you and Ashido just enough room to get into the area before he taped it back up.

“How is everything?” Sero asked as Kirishima and Aoyama put the flag next to the orange one.

“Okay,” You mumbled. “We were able to knock a few people from the other teams out but,” You paused for a moment to hone in on Bakugou’s thoughts, “Bakugou and Kaminari are fighting Todoroki. I know Bakugou is pretty beat up, but Kaminari is in good shape.”

“Are they in the Blue sector?” Aoyama asked.

“Um, no. Still in the green sector.” You took in a deep breath and concentrated on the Blue sector. “The Green and Blue team are still fighting over the flag. It’s Midoriya, Iida, and Tokoyami against Momo, Jirou, Shoji, and Mineta. Although I’m pretty sure Mineta has passed out, I can’t find his thoughts and that usually means he’s asleep.”

Kirishima hummed in response, his hand found its way to his chin as he processed everything happening, debating what to do next.

In your own mind, you debated the only option that seemed best for you. I people went to Bakugou’s aide and distracted Todoroki, then he could get away and go fight in the Blue Sector. Or maybe Kirishima and Ashido should just go fight the Blue team and leave Bakugou and Kaminari to finish off Todoroki.

Although it wasn’t very responsible to leave so few people monitoring the flags when your team has two and will be the obvious targets.

Everyone stayed silent, debating their own ideas in their head, most of which were difficult to pull off.

“So,” Ashido started, taking a seat on the ground and leaning her back against a nearby building, “What now?”

The group looked around at each other, wondering who was going to talk first. Personally, you knew you should go find them, but you were so tired and knew there was very little you could go against the people you were fighting. Just imagining Iida coming at you, unable to use your quirk to help your team, sent shivers down your spine. You stayed silent, praying someone else would speak up with another idea.

“I suppose we need to get in contact with Bakugou and Kaminari. We don’t know if they are going to come back here or go to the Blue side,” Sero spoke.

Guess not.

“That’s true,” Aoyama added, “but the best person to find them would be Y/L/N-kun and she is obviously tired.”

Thank God.

“I’ll take her,” Sero replied. “She can guide me and with my tape, I can probably get there in just a few minutes. Then, we can distract or maybe even beat Todoroki and get everyone back here.”

Kirishima stepped into the circle forming around you and Ashido. “With everyone here, we can wait and see who gets here first. For example, if Midoriya gets here, obviously Bakugou would want to stay and other people will go get the other flag.

“That may actually work,” Ashido added, grinning widely.

The team made quick work of getting everyone ready. Currently, you were waiting outside the tape barricade for Sero to apply the finishing touches to his defenses. Once done, waved goodbye and came up to you, smiling brightly.

“Okay,” He started. “So just tell me which way to go and I can use my quirk to fling us from building to building.”

You nodded and Sero tentatively grabbed onto your waist. You knew he needed to do that to help you travel and you weren’t at all thrown off when he did so. However, his body was comparatively much colder than Bakugou’s and the tape dispense in his elbow jammed at you back.

This would not be a comfortable ride.

Sero launched both of you into the sky, moving quickly. All that could be heard was the fast wind piercing your ears and the directions you have to the brunette.

Soon enough, the directions were unnecessary because the eruptions of Bakugou’s quirk were big enough to see. Sero decided it would be best for you to arrive by making a big entrance. You both swooped in just as Bakugou was preparing a move. Sero sped up and kicked Todoroki straight in the head before having you both land on the ground. You almost lost your balance, but his hand around your waist stayed and helped you keep yourself up. You looked up at him and he winked.

“What the fuck was that?!”

You looked up to see Bakugou, who was fuming in his eyes. His condition was similar to how you left him, just with a few more burn marks.

The blond stomped his way to you and Sero. “I was just about to hit him!”

“It sure didn’t look like it,” Sero laughed. “It looked like he was about to pummel you.”

“What the fuck do you know, tape-for-brains?” Bakugou yelled.

Sero just chuckled in response so Bakugou looked down at you instead.

Sometimes, it really was nice to hear people’s thoughts. For example, right now, thoughts of jealousy rushed through Bakugou’s head. He was slightly annoyed that Sero ruined his attack, but he was more so jealous that Sero got to touch you the same way he did.

The anger in his eyes was replaced with confusion as he looked at you. He almost looked like a puppy, or maybe a kitten, begging you to tell him that it meant nothing.

You looked down at the ground, wondering if Bakugou remembered that you could hear his thoughts. Now was not the time to address Bakugou’s subconscious, jealous feelings. On top of that, you were sure your face was redder than it had been

“Hey, guys!’ Kaminari smiled, cutting through the awkward air. “Come to save us?”

“I don’t need saving, Pikachu!” Bakugou yelled in response.

“Calm down, sheesh,” Kaminari stuck his hands up as if the cops were holding guns to him.

“Whatever, let’s just go finish Todoroki already,” Bakugou mumbled, turning away from the group to look at the heterochromatic boy in question.

He was worse off than Bakugou was, it was difficult for his body to hold a proper temperature and after a fight this long, it was really taking a toll on him.

I can’t believe this intense fucking game of capture the flag is considered a regular day of school here… you thought. Suddenly, Bakugou grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the enemy.

I’ll hit him and you make him sleep, was all you heard before the tired Todoroki enveloped your feet in ice.

“Fuck!”

You looked behind you to see Kaminari caught in the same trap. Sero, however, was able to use his tape to pull himself out.

Bakugou squeezed onto your hand even tighter and used his opposite hand to explode him and then yourself out of the ice.

Sero came in once again and managed to get a hit on Todoroki. Bakugou followed up with exploding into the competitor’s face while he was busy with Sero.

You, remembering what Bakugou had thought earlier, rushed up to Todoroki and grabbed his wrist while he prepared to burn Bakugou.

Todoroki’s flames stopped and he looked over at you with wide eyes. You were still trying to calm him down to make the switch appear, but Todoroki was fast to act and recover from your actions.

You weren’t able to hear his thoughts as you focused so heavily on his emotions. His emotions were slowly changing to become more calm. However, a burst of red shot through your vision as opposed to the relaxed and determined purples and greens that reflected in his mind.

Ice shot through Todoroki’s left side, which you happened to be holding onto, and you felt your hand freeze, the cold shooting throughout your body. Instinctually, you tried to pull your arm back, worried the ice might harm your skin. However, seeing as you were now frozen to him, you are unable to move your hand away.

Fuck! It’s so cold!

Goosebumps arose on your skin and shivers when down your spine. The ice continued to crawl up your skin. You knew Todoroki was trying to prevent you from making him fall asleep without hurting you very much.

Todoroki rapidly moved so he had better leverage over your body. He placed one knee on the ground and held his left arm over his shoulder. He was then able to lean forward and pull you over his body and slam your body onto the hard concrete.

You were still attached to Todoroki and although waves of pain shot throughout your back, you knew you had to keep working. You focused back in on Todoroki’s emotions and worked even faster to calm him down. The red and orange hues of battle and anger morphed into blues and purples. He was fighting against your actions but was unable to fight back anymore.

The light switch appeared, although far away from your reach. You pushed Todoroki farther into your relaxing trap, his breathing shallowed and his heartbeat slowed. Finally, you were in reach of your goals.

“Sleep,” You whispered, and his eyes closed.

Slowly, you sat up from your position on the ground. Your hand was still frozen, your head still pounded, and now you had back pains you were sure would last weeks. You looked up at the three boys around you, Kaminari and Sero stared at you with shock and worry. They were wondering if you were okay or if they should take you out of the game now.

On the other hand, once Bakugou noticed you were able to make Todoroki fall asleep, he stormed up to you and put his hand on the ice where your hand was grabbing Todoroki’s wrist. “This is going to hurt a bit, just stay still okay?”

You nodded in response and Bakugou used small explosions to heat up the ice. You felt the heat and explosions against your skin, but they didn’t hurt much and Bakugou was being safe enough to stop just before all the ice would have melted. He moved farther up your arm and used the same method to melt the ice that crawled up your skin.

Bakugou looked at you when most of the ice was finally melted away. He motioned his head to tell you that you could break away by yourself.

“I can’t, he’ll wake up,” You responded.

Bakugou looked at you, to your hand, and then to Todoroki’s sleeping body. “Hey, idiots!” Bakugou called over his other teammates who were still just watching the situation unfold. “Tie him up and then shock him to make him pass out.”

After recovering from the shock of being taken out of his trance, Sero quickly wrapped up Todoroki’s body, being careful not to get you tied into the tape. Once done, you broke your hand free of the icy grip and Kaminari electrocuted Todoroki much like he did with Tsu. Both boys then moved Todoroki into one of the buildings.

While they moved Todoroki, you awkwardly stood off to the side. With the battle no longer distracting you, your mind was free to roam and right now, all you could think about was the jealous thoughts that ran through Bakugou’s head when you and Sero first arrived. Not only that, but Bakugou had grabbed your hand earlier, giving you skin to skin contact once more. You wondered if he was always so warm because of his quirk, or if maybe his body was hot because he was just as nervous as you.

“So,” You looked up from the ground to see that Bakugou moved to be standing next to you, “What now?” He only spared a moment to look at you before noticing you were looking at him. Abruptly, he turned his focus back onto your two teammates.

“Um,” You bit your lip, taking a moment to push your previous thoughts out of your head in order to focus on the situation at hand. “We are going back to home base.”

“Why? Shouldn’t we go get the Blue flag?” Bakugou asked. He was much calmer now than he was when talking to Kaminari and Sero. You made a mental note to try and figure out why later.

“We wanted to head back to make sure we have appropriate reinforcements. Like, if you run off to the Blue sector and then Midoriya comes here, the plan is kinda ruined,” You responded.

Bakugou thought over your explanation for a second before agreeing with a hum. After a brief and awkward pause, Bakugou spoke again, “Do you know where everyone else is right now?”

“I can try checking,” You replied, “but I am a bit tired and don’t know how great my range will be.” You took in a deep breath, something that wasn’t necessary, but was a habit for you when using your quirk on bigger scales.

Just before you delved yourself into the world of thoughts, Bakugou stopped you. “Don’t waste your energy then, we will be fine without knowing.”

You nodded, too shocked to verbally reply. Bakugou did not at all seem like the type of person to care about the individual over the group outcome. Because of this, it especially shocked you. Speaking of which…

“Bakugou,” You started, “Are you okay? Is there anywhere you are really hurt?” You asked him, eyes darting around his body and examining the burns, bruises, and blood that littered his pale, golden skin.

“Don’t worry about me,” He mumbled, turning his body away from you and crossing his arms.

He was offended you asked him. Annoyed you didn’t think he was strong enough. Even though you once again could not feel his skin and experience his emotions at hand, it was obvious from his thoughts that he was upset.

It upset you slightly that he forced you to let him take care of you for the team, but refused to let you do the same. How someone’s thoughts could change so easily in only an hour was ridiculous.

As someone who could hear thoughts and experience others' emotions, it was more common for people to think that you would be best as a rescue hero or a healing hero. When younger, you were trained in first-aid and how to utilize your quirk to help those around you. The idea of helping Bakugou tempted you. However, you knew it best to leave him alone.

For both of you.

You swallowed down your worries for that moment, promising yourself that it was okay to deny your ever-growing crush on Bakugou.

Kaminari and Sero exited the building smiling as if their energy from defeating Todoroki revitalized them.

“Are you ready to head back?” Sero asked as he and Kaminari approached you and Bakugou.

You looked towards Bakugou, still able to tell he was mildly upset about your comment earlier. “Yeah,” His hoarse voice responded.

Kaminari then looked towards you, “Y/L/N-chan, who would you like to go with, Sero or Bakugou?”

Your brain immediately debated between the two boys. On one hand, Bakugou got jealous when I rode with Sero, but now he seems a little upset at me. Maybe he wouldn’t want to ride with me because of tha--

“She’s going with me,” Bakugou interrupted. Everyone looked at Bakugou.

Or not.

You bit your bottom lip and furrowed your eyebrows out of stress, noticing the jealous thoughts that once again ran through Bakugou’s head.

You weren’t an idiot. You knew what it means to be possessive over someone, but you met Bakugou only a few days ago and things didn’t even start off well. On top of that, Bakugou seemed almost oblivious to his possessiveness, making his intentions even more confusing.

Bakugou squinted his eyes at your reaction to his comment before looking back at the two other teammates. “You guys know the way back. Me and him,” Bakugou gestured towards Kaminari, “don’t. So, we have to split up.”

The answer seemed to satisfy Kaminari and Sero who made quick work of positioning themselves in the least romantic way they could. Currently, Kaminari and Sero were connected by a tape belt that kept them within 2 meters of each other. When Sero set off towards camp, Kaminari held onto the tape, basically dangling under Sero as he moved.

“Ready?” You heard Bakugou mumble, moving your attention elsewhere.

You looked up at Bakugou and found yourself biting your lip again, wondering what Bakugou’s thoughts meant. It was as easy as A + B = C because Bakugou sure didn’t realize what his thoughts meant. He was, however, great at hiding them to others.

“Yeah,” You looked down at your feet, his crimson eyes stared into yours and made the atmosphere fill with awkwardness.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Bakugou mumbled as his hand found its way around your waist, “Baka.” (usually playful way to call someone dumb).

You looked up at Bakugou once more as his hand touched the skin of your waist. His emotions rushed through you, but you were more focused on the smirk on Bakugou’s face and the glint in his eyes. Before you could respond, Bakugou launched both of you in the same direction Sero went.

[rosemary-morgan]

John Marston X F.Reader: The sky in her eyes - Part 2

(pictures found on pinterest)

Hello lovely ones (✿◕‿◕✿)

Here comes the second part of “The sky in her yes” 😊 I hope you all will enjoy this chapter. Thank´s so much for all the likes, reblogs and comments. Thank you so much dear ones 🖤🖤 Means a lot to me!!

Warning: attempted rape, blood, violence, angst

PART 1

(¯`v´¯)                                                      (¯`v´¯) `*.¸.*´                                                        `*.¸.*´ ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (`’·.¸(`’·.¸  ¸.·’´) ¸.·’´)  (¨*•.¸ (¨*•.¸`•.¸ (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•               •`¯¨• ¸¸ `•. `•.¸) `•.¸) `*.¸.*´                                                       `*.¸.*´

The sky in her eyes - 2

John had finished his work for today. He was exhausted, but very pleased. It wasn't easy to shear a sheep if it didn't want to keep still. But in the end, John won that fight. Satisfied, he collected the rest of the wool in the wheelbarrow, knowing that this would bring him good money. Sheep wool was very popular in this area, especially since it would keep you very warm even in the coldest winter days. John brought the wool into the barn, which he put in a pile. After doing that, he sighed softly and wiped the sweat from his forehead. The young man was completely sweaty, and he immediately went to his house to wash the sweat off his body. When he climbed the stairs to his porch, he heard a noise. Something had fallen to the floor. At first, John didn't care about it, but when he heard a soft whimper, he became very curious. He frowned in confusion, followed the soft whimper, and when he saw what kind of visitor he had, his features softened.

"Oh, hey, little feller." A puppy was standing in front of him. A golden retriever who had left a little chaos on his porch. A broken pot of a plant, a torn piece of clothing. Well, John wasn't angry about that. He was still a puppy, and therefore very playful.

But, where did this little feller come from? John approached the puppy, whereupon he immediately came curiously towards the young man and sniffed him. "Hey, are you all alone here?" When John looked around, he couldn't see anyone. He also saw that the dog's fur was dirty. He was probably alone for days. John sighed softly, sad to see the puppy in this condition. He lovingly patted the animal, and in the end, he decided to take care of him. At least until someone wanted this dog back. He was probably already missing. "All right, my friend. You´ll stay with me."

(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´

"Hey, sweetheart! I WANT SOME BEER!" "HEY! I've been waiting for my food for a long time! WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!" "EY, SUGAR! OVER HERE!" You could hardly save yourself from all these people and their desires. You had been aware from the beginning that this wasn´t going to be an easy thing. But you had to make money, otherwise, you would end up on the street. You sold a lot of your jewelry, yet you didn't get enough money for it. You would be able to pay your rent at the hotel for several weeks, but you also needed food and clothing. And owning a horse would certainly not be the stupidest idea. Now you've been working in this saloon for a week, and you had to admit that it was very stressful. You had already heard some insults, but you ignored them. Nobody would get you down so easily.

You were about to set five glasses of whiskey on your platter when one of the women, who worked in this Saloon, came to you. "Honey, there's a creepy bastard who's been staring at you for hours!" You looked at Scarlett's serious expression. "Uhm, which guy?" The young woman gestured to the man in the corner, who was enjoying his bottle of beer while he was watching you. "Oh, this guy." You noticed this guy a few days ago. He sat in this saloon almost every night. "Ignore him. He´s almost every night here!", you said as you reached for a bottle of beer, to put it on the platter as well. He was an attractive man, you had to admit that, but you didn't like the glances he gave you. He looked at you as if you were an object. "I'm serious, Y/N. I don't like him. I'll take you to the hotel after work." You had to smile when Scarlet said that. Most of the women who worked in this Saloon were very kind to you. "Scarlett, it's okay. I can take care of myself." "I insist!" You sighed, knowing that you couldn't change Scarlett's mind. She was damn stubborn, but it was also cute of her to care about you. Finally, you nodded. "Okay. Thank you." "Sure thing, honey!" With that, Scarlett walked away, and you glanced at the strange guest. This one was still staring at you, but he didn't show any facial expressions. He seemed numb, his eyes cold as ice. They were deep blue, beautiful... but they made you shiver. You took your glance off him to devote yourself to your work. Perhaps Scarlett had a good instinct, and it is certainly not the stupidest idea, that she would take you to the hotel later.

Fortunately, this man left before your work ended. So, you decided to walk home alone. With a smile, you assured Scarlett that you would be okay. "Okay, then. I see you tomorrow." "Bye, Y/N." After your friend said goodbye to you, you entered the Hotel, and you went straight to your room to rest after this stressful day...

(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´

Blackwater - three days later

"Ah, Mister Milton! What can I do for you?" "I came to pay my debts, Sir!" After almost one year, John had finally managed to pay for his property. This debt was a heavy burden for him, and he was glad, that this would finally come to an end. John put all the money on the desk of the friendly man, who had given him the loan for the property. He had always been very pleased with John's punctual payments. "250 Dollar, Sir!" "Perfect, my boy!" The man picked up the money and counted it again. After doing this, he gave John a satisfied smile. "Well then, Mister Milton! Your debts have been canceled." "Thank you, Sir!" John was overjoyed that he was finally out of debt. It was a good feeling, and after a long time, he would be able to sleep in peace. He left the building as a happy man, and suddenly, he got very hungry! It's been a long time since he had a decent meal. Maybe he should reward himself for the hard work of the past few months! A delicious steak with potatoes and green beans? God yes! His stomach started to growl at the thought of a tasty meal, and he immediately went into the Saloon. Blackwater had a lot to offer. A town with everything that people need. Tailor, barber, saloon, restaurant, theater, and much more. It's a shame that he had to avoid this place for so many years. But now, that he was back in West Elisabeth, he could move through Blackwater undisturbed. Nobody knew him. He was a stranger to the inhabitants of this city. He had appeared out of nowhere. But that was a good thing. He didn't want anyone to know about him. He was fed up by problems with the law. After all, the young man tried to live an honest life. But sometimes, he felt pretty lonely. He had to admit that he misses a woman's touch very much. Now that he was living a peaceful life, he longed for a woman to share his life with...

(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´

The coming days were very calm in Valentine. Not many visitors came to the saloon as usual, so you weren't under a lot of pressure. You were thinking about working overtime this night, to earn more money. You had seriously considered getting a revolver, but weapons were very expensive. Apart from that, you also need money for other things. "You are doing your job very well, Y/N!" The bartender, who was also your boss, was very pleased with your effort. When you came to his saloon a few weeks ago to ask him for a job, he hadn't believed you would be able to do it. But you were a strong woman, didn´t let outrageous guests get you down. "Thank you very much, Mister Jones!" "But what brings you here? To Valentine?" "It's a long story, Sir. But the main point is that I had to take charge of my own life!" The bartender smiled charmingly, nodded. He understood. You didn't need to say more. "I understand." "Mister Jones? I´d like to work overtime tonight." "Hm? Why?" Mister Jones took one of the wet glasses to polish them, looking at you questioningly. "Well, I was hoping you could pay me those extra hours?" He nodded to you, and you were surprised that he agreed with you without contradiction. "But don't overwork yourself! I don't want you to faint from exhaustion!" "Thank you, Sir!"

The later it got, the more people came into the saloon. Some of them were already heavily drunk, but that was no reason for you to get nervous. As said before, you were used to insulting men. You didn't care because, in the end, you just did your job. And as soon as any man got the idea to touch you, your boss intervened to help you out of that misery. But that wasn't the evil that was going to happen to you tonight. The danger came in the form of roars, and gunshots that were suddenly heard all over the town. Many of the guests looked at each other questioningly, and you also wondered what the hell was going on out there. Suddenly, panicked screams came from men and women on the streets. Fear seized you, not knowing what to do in such a situation. You looked at your boss. This one told you that you need to stay calm. Abruptly, it became very quiet in the saloon. People whispered to each other. The curious among them looked outside to see what was happening out there. "HOLY GOD!" "There are corpses on the street!" When you heard that, your face went pale. With a panicked expression on your face, you hurried behind the counter to your boss. "Calm down, Y/N." "What's going on out there, Mister Jones?!" "I don't know, Y/N! But try to stay calm!" Without warning, the men who were standing at the entrance to the saloon got shot. Cold-blooded. Their bodies fell to the ground. People screamed in shock, including you. Then, six men entered this building. Immediately, you recognized the man with the ice-cold look. It was the same man Scarlett had warned you of a few days ago. He seemed numb as always. Some of his men had a smug, even malicious grin on their mouths.

Nobody dared to say a word. The eyes of the unknown men who had just entered the saloon, stared greedily at the ladies of the house, including you, of course. The gang chose a  table by the window, where poker was usually played, and pushing away the people who were sitting there. They grabbed them by the collar, threw them on the floor, and laughed cheerfully. Your boss, Mister Jones, was more than disgusted by these men, but he knew that every wrong word could mean death to him. "Get out with the other girls. Immediately." "What about you, Mister Jones?" "Don´t worry. Our sheriff will be here right away. He couldn't have missed this noise!" You nodded, just about to follow your boss's instructions, but you were stopped. "Stop! Nobody leaves this saloon!" The man with the ice-cold look glanced at you, and you looked at your boss, not knowing what to do now. "Y/N, leave this saloon." "HEY! Didn't you understand what our boss said?!" One of the bandits pulled out his revolver, his eyes scowled, his jaws pressed tightly together. You stopped, don't dare to move. What were these guys up to? Psycho games with people? "This is a robbery, folks! What do you think we're here for?"

When you heard the word robbery, you felt sick. Your stomach contracted painfully because it reminds you of the encounter you had eight years ago. Back then, everything was taken from you by two men, and now these bandits wanted to do the same again. "I´ll give you all my money!" Your boss opened the cash register, took out all the money, and placed it on the counter. But the leader of this mysterious gang wasn´t satisfied with that. "Not bad for a start. Whiskey for me and my boys!" His men cheered, while the rest of the guests in this saloon watched this situation with caution and fear. "Boys, choose one of these whores! You all need some fun!" "Oh, I already know who I want!" One of the gang members looked at you greedily, licking his lips and showing you his scruffy, broken teeth. You grimaced in disgust, you would never give yourself to this guy. "No, Sam. Don´t touch that girl!" The man with the ice-cold looked at you without emotion. But he knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted you. You swallowed nervously, not knowing what to expect tonight. But one thing was certain: You would defend yourself from these men. Thank god you had a knife hidden under your clothes.

"Hey! Come on, honey! Whiskey! Quickly!" All eyes were on, which made you very nervous. You hesitated but finally moved to get the alcohol. But you didn't get very far. The next moment, the sheriff entered the saloon with his men - heavily armed. "Well, look over there! Sheriff Malloy!" "Arrest those bastards!" And then everything went quickly - A shootout, loud, panicked screams and ultimately corpses. You hid behind the counter, covered your ears, and hoped none of the flying bullets would hit you. Your boss gripped your arm tightly, looking at you with a serious expression. "We have to get out of here! Come with me!" He pulled you with him, tried to get you out of the saloon through the back door, but you were stopped. "She won't go anywhere!" The cold-eyed man shot Mister Jones down, and you screamed in fear when this man fell to the ground, seriously injured. "NOO!" This man hadn't deserved this, and you felt how anger overcome you. When the outlaw grabbed your arm, you shouted at him, scolded him, but he didn't care. "You dirty son of a bitch! GO TO HELL!"

But he threw you over his shoulder and went with you to the stairs since he had planned to take you to one of the rooms to have fun with you. The women watched in horror as you were abducted against your will. He kicked the door open with his foot, then threw you on the bed, already opening his belt as he approached you. With great fear in your eyes, you look up at him, slide away from him. "You pig! Don't touch me!" But this man neither listened to you nor did he care what you had to say. He looked at you with hungry eyes, running the tip of his tongue over his lips to show how deeply aroused he already was. He put his gun belt aside as he stood in front of the bed, and examined you as if you were nothing more than an object. "We'll have some fun!" Then, he leaned over you, pressed you with all his weight on the mattress, whereupon you tried to push him away from you. "NOOO! GET OFF ME!" You felt how he reached under your skirt, pushing it over your legs. You only had one chance, and you had to take it without hesitation. You grabbed the little dagger that you had strapped to your thigh and slammed it directly into his neck. Blood spurted instantly from his injury, stained your face and hand. He looked at you with his eyes wide open, and you whimper terribly, not believing that you had just injured someone in that way. But what choice did you had? You had to do this, otherwise, he would have raped you. You pulled the knife out of its neck, spilling more blood, but you didn't care. You gathered all your strength to push him away from you, which you succeeded in doing. You had seriously hurt your tormentor.

He didn't stop bleeding. He gasped and coughed. You had to watch this man slowly bleed to death in front of you. Blood flowed from his mouth, which you couldn't endure seeing. Your eyes filled with tears, your hands trembled terribly as you looked at them. They were smeared with blood, and you couldn't believe what you had done. "Oh my god... oh god..." A loud shot brought you back to reality, finally realizing, that you had to get out of here as quickly as possible. If his men found him dead, you didn't want to be here. They will kill you! You grabbed his revolver, which he had put on the bedside table, and you ran out of the room. You stopped in front of the stairs to look around. You couldn't go back down to the men who were about to kill each other. What should you do now? The panic was written on your face, your chest rose and fell in a fast rhythm, sweat ran down your temple. "Hey! Is the boss done with you already?" You froze when you heard the voice of a strange man who had just come up the stairs. You looked at him with a frightened expression on your face as he approached you with a grin. But that grin vanished when he saw the blood on your hands and your face, the bloodstained knife in your hand. "What have you done, you little whore?!" He hurried past you, and you knew that was your chance to escape! You didn't hesitate for a moment but ran for your life. You opened the window to climb through it. When you tried to climb down the roof, you slipped. "Ahhh!" Fortunately, you hadn't seriously injured yourself after falling into the muddy ground.

You had to find a way to get out of here very quickly! You looked around, seeing corpses on the ground, and you wept for the innocent people who lay dead in the mud. A young woman had also been there, which deeply hurt your soul. But you didn't have the time to feel sorry for these people. You had to think about your survival! You ran as fast as you could, down the street to the post office, which was also the train station. When you saw the horses tied up in front of that building, you didn't hesitate to steal one. Of course, your theft didn´t go unnoticed. The gunfight in the saloon had been heard all over the town, as well as the cries for help from the citizens. Many curious, but also frightened people, were gathered at the station. However, stealing a horse didn't seem to bother these people. The true sin was committed in the town, and you just wanted to get out of Valentine. Except for ten dollars and two weapons, you had nothing left. You couldn't risk that your tormentor's men would grab, and eventually, torture you. Once again you had to leave everything behind...

A few days later...

You were visibly exhausted after your arrival in Blackwater. It was a long way to get here, and you rode through without a break. The fear of being persecuted had made you do this. Blackwater was a beautiful town, but you couldn't afford to stay here. For the next three days, you rented a room, so you didn't have to sleep on the street. But three days would pass soon. And then? Then what are you going to do? Your eyes were filled with sorrow and grief as you looked out the window. It was raining heavily, a thunderstorm announced quietly. You hoped and prayed that there would be a chance to find a job in this town. But you still had to process what happened. You couldn't believe you killed someone. You kept thinking about this terrible situation, and it frightened you. You had just stabbed him, and he was choked before your eyes. "Oh, my dear god..." Again and again, you had to tell yourself that it was self-defense and that you would never be able to kill someone. With a heavy sigh, you lay down in bed, tried to calm down, but like the last few days, you wouldn´t find a wave of peace tonight...

The coming weeks weren't going to be any easier for you. You were out of luck finding a job. You couldn´t longer afford to rent a room, not even in the shabbiest accommodation in this town. You couldn't even buy something to eat, and you didn't want to beg people on the street for money. After all, you still had dignity. In the end, you were forced to leave the city and had to move to an abandoned old hut. It was shabby, but it protected you from storm and rain at night. You also felt safer when you didn't have to sleep on the street. But you also knew that this wasn't life, but you didn't want to go back to Saint-Denis. Especially since your uncle and aunt weren´t interested in you. What should you do now? It was damn hard to live like this. Without money, without food. A few days ago, you committed theft for the first time in your life and you were deeply ashamed of yourself. You had been hungry, hadn´t eaten for two days and there was an opportunity in the market to steal food. "I can't live like this..." Sighing heavily, you leaned your head against the wall behind you and closed your tired eyes. You thought about how much your life had changed in the past few weeks. No, in the past few years. Since the death of your parents, you've felt like bad luck has been chasing you.

If only you had your mother's ring with you, it would give you comfort, but it was stolen from you. Then, out of nowhere, a thought came to you. But this thought could get you into serious trouble. Raiding passengers on a train was a damn bad idea of yours. But did you still have something to lose? There was nobody to care for your wellbeing. So? You would do it ...

[uncloseted]

lately i've been VERY confused about gender and sexuality (not mine, just in general, although more on that later). so i always called myself a lesbian because it made sense, im a girl i like girls. about 2 years ago i had a lot of internalized homophobia and i tried to be as feminine as i could so people would think i was straight. and i remember one time i thought "what if i'm a trans man and i'm doing this because i feel like i have something to prove". +

but then i thought "nah, i can't be a man (or non binary) i like girly things too much". but that's awful too. ellen always wears suits and has short hair and she's still a woman. jeffree star likes girly things and he's a man. but now i don't even know what IS a girl/woman. i mean i didn't choose to be a woman and i never had a chance to be anything else. but i don't think i ever wanted to be. even if i identified as "agender" and i still looked and acted the way i do know, society would still

be seeing and oppressing me as a woman, so at least to me, personally, it feels useless. but also, a lot of nb people (most of them are afab) identify as lesbians. it's very confusing. i never had any kind of dysphoria although i felt uncomfortable with my body, periods, and sex but i always thought it was because of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities and beauty standards. and i have a friend who's studying psychology in university and she told me dysphoria does not exist

trans girls. i think it depends on, like, how "far" they are in their transition?. i think i could be attracted, physically and emotionally but i couldn't have sex with someone with a penis. and i know even the most trans-positive people will tell you that it's ok to have a genital preference and not want to date trans people. but it still makes me feel horrible because it's like i'm seeing nb people as "more woman" than trans women. but also in all honesty it's very hard to "tell" cis people

from nb people. if you showed me a picture of jeffree star and jonathan van ness (or elena and syd from one day at a time, or amandla stenberg and king princess, or sam smith and harry styles) and asked me which one is nb, i wouldn't know. i would probably say jeffree. so i agree that monosexual (straight/gay) people will inevitably be attracted to nbs because nb is a spectrum, and also some people (I think all of us, in some way? maybe it's a controversial opinion) are gender non-conforming but

but don't identify as nb. does that mean we should change the definitions of gay/lesbian, since any gender could have any type of body and look as feminine and/or masculine as they want? do sam smith, jvn, vander von odd/sasha velour/gigi goode (all genderfluid drag artists) have male privilege despite not being men?. should we change the words feminism, sexism, misogyny, male privilege, etc for something more accurate?. honeslty i think a lot of this confusion is actually intrusive thoughts

and me just being an overthinker in general but it's been causing me so much distress that now every pronoun feels wrong and i can't even masturbate. please forgive the rambling, the buts, the incoherence and the ignorance. thanks in advance. oh and please tell me if this comes through in pieces and i will send them again

So there’s a ton to unpack here, but for the record, I’ve had this exact train of thought, too.

I want to preface my answer by saying that I’m not a gender scholar and I haven’t read nearly as many academic works as I’d like to on this subject, so this is coming very much from my personal opinions and less from an evidence-based/academic place. I also want to say that if pressed, I would describe myself as a pansexual gender anarchist (as in, attracted to people for who they are instead of their parts and I think we should get rid of the concept of gender entirely), but I think that sounds a bit wanky, especially since it has almost zero bearing on my everyday life. So I think the concept of sexuality and gender is maybe different to me than it is to other people, and my perspective on this topic might be unusual in that sense.  If anyone reading this thinks what I’m saying is bullshit or problematic, please join in the conversation! I would love to hear what you have to say.

For me, the more I think about gender and sexuality, the more i don’t really “get” either concept. Gender has begun to feel (to me) like one of those Buzzfeed quizzes where you answer a bunch of questions and they’re like, “you’re rocky road ice cream” and you’re like, “I have no idea what that implies except for it’s the collection of traits I chose from the options above”.  

What I mean by that is that gender is a social construct. No traits are inherently masculine or feminine- things that are considered masculine in one culture can be feminine in another and vice versa. 

Especially now, when we’re really moving towards disentangling gender from our world, I wonder what’s left to take the place of those items to define what gender is.  Gender used to be like “feminine is cleaning, nurturing, creating (or Barbie dolls, dresses, and makeup), and masculine is destruction, being powerful, and being ambitious (or football, beer, and video games)”, but clearly that’s not what it means anymore. Ellen’s suits are feminine suits by virtue of the fact that she IDs as female, even though suits used to be considered a male thing.  Jeffree Star’s makeup looks are male makeup looks by virtue of the fact that he IDs as male, even though makeup used to be considered a female thing.  I’ve heard some people say that there are as many genders as there are people in the world. At that point I think we’re just using the word “gender” as a synonym for “personality”, which is fine, but I think we need to be clear about our definitions and what these words now mean and imply about a person.

Going along that train of thought, if gendered words don’t really mean anything anymore, I don’t see the point as identifying as a particular gender, at last not in the abstract.  In practice, our world still sees gender and cares about it, and other people’s interpretation of our gender has very real consequences.  As you say, even if you identified as agender, society would treat you as a woman because you present in a way society considers to be “traditionally feminine”, and as a result, you would be oppressed in the same way women are.  This is why I said that my position on gender impacts my life zero percent.  I can identify as a gender anarchist all I want, but at the end of the day I still get passed up for opportunities because the way I present is read as female.  Likewise, nonbinary people who were assigned male at birth do have a degree of male privilege (or at least, can access male privilege), depending on how well they “pass” as a man.  Sam Smith likely still experiences some male privilege, because they look (most of the time) like what society might consider traditionally male.  Someone like JVN probably passes less frequently, due to his long hair and frequent wearing of what we might think of as traditionally female clothing (skirts and dresses and high heels).  However, the flip side of that is both Sam Smith and JVN risk being even more marginalized than female identifying, female presenting people when they do dress in a gender non-conforming way, because nonbinary identities are less understood and less accepted than female identities are. 

So now that we’ve considered what gender means in relation to society, maybe let’s consider it in relation to our bodies and sexuality.  This is a bit of a minefield so I’m going to try to tread carefully, but again, feel free to call me out if I say something problematic... 

I don’t think being uncomfortable with your body, especially feminine features of your body that are widely looked down upon (for example, periods) or sexualized (physical features like boobs, butts, hips) necessarily makes a person trans or nonbinary.  As you say, those feelings can be a result of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities, beauty standards, and dozens of other things.  However, it is something many trans or nonbinary individuals experience.  So the question then becomes, where are those feelings of discomfort coming from?  Are they internal to you (as in, your body physically feels like there’s something wrong/those features shouldn’t be there) or external (you feel shame for having those features because of the society you grew up in)?  It can be really hard to detangle internal influences from external ones, given that people who are assigned female at birth learn to hate our femininity and female bodies from a very young age.

I would say that if those feelings are internal to you, then that’s what referred to as gender dysphoria.  Gender dysphoria is a real, ICD and DSM diagnosable condition, and there’s some evidence to suggest that there’s a neurobiological basis for it.  My (very controversial) hypothesis is that gender dysphoria is like other body integrity identity disorders, where there’s a mismatch between the brain’s map of the body and what the physical body actually looks like.  I want to make it clear here that I don’t think being trans is a disorder.  I don’t think it’s bad or that all people who are trans have a body integrity disorder.  I don’t think you need to physically transition to be trans, or that we should pathologize gender/gender expression, or that gender is a binary (hopefully that last one is obvious).  I just think if society has less stringent gender divisions and a less binary understanding of gender, fewer people would physically transition, but some people would still experience a mismatch between their idea of how their body’s sexual characteristics should look and how they physically are.

So then, what does that mean for our terminology?  I think in the context of a world where the meaning of gender is changing, gay and lesbian just refer to genitals (people with penises attracted to people with penises and people with vaginas attracted to people with vaginas, respectively).  Or perhaps we need to separate it out further- maybe you can be romantically and physically attracted to female and male presenting people, but sexually attracted to only vaginas.  Maybe that would fill the gap between being interested in a person romantically and being interested in having sex with their genitals, where you’re attracted to someone without yet knowing what’s in their pants?  In general, though, I think labels should exist to be useful.  I don’t know how useful it is to have a term for “I'm attracted to you, given that you have the genitals I’m sexually attracted to.”

I think under that framework of centering labels like gay and lesbian on genitals, a lot more people are pansexual than would identify that way if you took a poll right now.  In general, I think a lot of people never recognize that they’re pansexual because they aren’t in contact with nonbinary or trans people that they’re attracted to frequently enough to know they don’t actually care about genital preferences.

When talking about other labels like feminism (the advocacy for AFAB and female-identifying/presenting rights), sexism (prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, generally towards female identifying/presenting people. but also towards gender nonconforming people), misogyny (dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against AFAB and female identifying/presenting people), male privilege (the system of advantages or rights that are available to men and male identifying/presenting people solely on the basis of their sex/gender presentation), etc., I think those terms refer to the societal construct of sex/gender that is still prevalent in our culture.  We perhaps need to start using other words to describe discrimination against nonbinary people, but I think the existing terms continue to serve a purpose and it’s not time to retire them just yet.

I don’t know if any of this is at all helpful or if I’m expressing my thoughts clearly.  Maybe it will just add more confusion to your existing thought process, but I hope it helps to minimize your distress at least a little bit.  Ultimately, all of this is kind of made up, so don’t beat yourself up too much while trying to unravel all these different threads. People spend full academic careers and sometimes their entire lives trying to figure out what they believe on these issues.  It’s okay to not have it all worked out or to not be sure in your ideas.  Even for me, this is just where my thinking is right now.  Maybe in the future it will change with new information I learn or as my feelings towards myself change.  Try to let yourself think of this as a journey instead of something you have to already have figured out.

[kaibutsushidousha]

Artbook Data - Tsumugi Shirogane

Best girl doesn’t disappoint.

Seiyuu’s comment: Mikako Komatsu

She looks very much like a class representative, so I first expected her to be like a cool big sis, but when I got to play her it turned out she was much instable character, always getting overexcited about the things she like. I didn’t have much experience with this type of character, so I had a lot of fun with her. I’m really looking forward to play this game for myself.

Kodaka’s comment: The fanatic mind hidden in “plain” sight

She’s named “Shirogane” because it’s a name gives sort of a “honours student” vibe and “Tsumugi” because she is the one who weaves the story. This is a verbal representation of her mentality that allowed the killing games to continue. The keyword for her design was “honours student-like” and for her personality was “cringey otaku”. I personally wanted her to have vaguely likeable features without looking any special, but if I made her too lacking in personality it would get suspicious, so I tried to make her stand out from time to time while still keeping her plainness as her central gimmick and find this balance was extremely difficult.

The “Super High School Level Cosplayer” characterization was established starting from its final punchline: the alternating transformations. Reverse-engeneering from this established conclusion, we defined her as a cosplayer. And then we made her mixing this with the vaguely-defined “honours student” keyword we set from before. I had quite a tough time trying to decide how her “true personality” sprite, how it should be different from her regular sprites, what indications should I give to the seiyuu and stuff. I wanted her to be something more than just threatening... So we made her in a way she feels like an escalation of the outside world’s worldbuilding, a world hopelessly obsessed with DanganRonpa.

She has some “fun cosplay stories” in the first half of the story and her free time events. These were all stories I got by interviewing real cosplayers. I think that’s  the first time I actually interviewed someone to make a character. But it was very worth it, seeing how well-liked she is among the cosplayers.

By the way, about her cosplays of past characters, I really wanted to include the the characters from the DanganRonpa 3 anime. However, we didn’t have enough budget nor ready sprites, so my idea was almost immediately rejected. We’re limited to videogames, 1 and 2. Ultra Despair Girls was removed for being as spin-off and I cry every time I remember this fact. But even without them, the voice acting cost for the final parts already killed me... I’m sorry I had this idea.

Design Notes:

Plain Glasses: A must-have item for the plain folk. We’ll never figure out whether wearing glasses make you plain or if being plain attracts glasses but we still not for sure this is the plain character’s trademark.

Plain Face Out of Costume: Normally, she gets called a plain face a lot. But if Shirogane words “When I take my glasses off, I transform” are real, she could probably look like a different person with the power of her make-up.

Company Badge: 

A misterious company’s badge. She keeps it hidden in her person instead of wearing it so it won’t disturb her plain visual. Is it a cosplay office or is it perhaps something else...?

Plain Conversations: Shirogane’s speech pattern has the distinticve otaku quality: she’s only talkative about her hobbies and normally just reacts to what other people are saying and nothing else. She shows up for breakfast every morning, so the reason why people forget she exists so much is indeed because she is plain!?

Plain Body: When it comes to cosplaying a wide range of characters, having curves too wide can sometimes be counterproductive and you can hear many ingenious tricks to purposely make your chest look smaller, bigger, etc. Good thing she’s was born with a plain, moderate body, perfect for cosplaying.

Plain Uniform: A high-waist skirt with a form-fitting jacket. But even an uniform so cleverly design to emphasize her femininity so strongly becomes plain when Shirogane wears it.

Underwear: A pair made for the ultimate final battle. But they are not for show, so she firmly refuse to take low angle photos.

Favorite presents:

Cosplay Carrying Bag: A carrying case highly demanded by cosplayer for being easy to carry. Very useful for things like travels and of course, conventions. Something Shirogane would probably consider a trusted partner.

Photostore: An image editing software used mainly to retouch photographs. Perfect to erase flaws in your make-up or visible freckles. Indispensable for any cosplayer nowadays.

Sewing Set: A portal kit all the basic tools necessary for sewing. In the context of cosplay, she can use it to immediately fix a damaged piece. Indispensable for Shirogane’s daily life.

Steels Glasses Case: It’s sturdy enough to protect your glasses from any kind of shock, even being stepped on by an Exisal. After all, glasses are as super important as underwear! 

Hated present:

Death Flag: An item with an unexplainable effect of increasing it’s owner chances of dying. A rare case of an item hated by Shirogane, who is otherwise very proud of her open-mindedness.

Key phrases:

Cosplay is an Equivalent Exchange: The cosplays that defined Shirogane as the Super High School Level Cosplayer are famous and popular enough to earn her sponsors and their selling point is faithfulness to the original’s character design. That said, she prefers devoting herself to making the costumes rather than wearing them and acting the character. For that reason, she has a lot of complaints about the current community of idol-like cosplayers and vocally expresses them in order protect the quality and the soul of cosplaying. By the way, the condition for her cosplay is an “Equivalent Exchange”. She claims that if she imitates real people, she breaks out in a horrible allergic reaction and is limited to only playing fictional characters... Leaving aside the question that this can’t be described as Equivalent Exchange at all, this is a terrifying allergy that colors her whole body pink. You can tells it’s harsh just by looking at it.

Glasses are underwear!?: For Shirogane, a fervent defender of plainness, glasses are an indispensable prop, an item to be always worn, no different from underwear. The glasses are the trademark of the plain. By just wearing a pair, you are turned into a plain person and disappears from the plains of existence... That quicly leads to you having innumerable plain anecdotes, like passing unnoticed by the cashier, being left behind by your friends, entering the movie theater with a ticket, becoming an expert in covert investigations, etc. Leaving aside the question of how many of those are true, the point here is that appearence is important.

God has Black Hair and Red Eyes: Angie’s God prioritizes convenience above all else, changing it’s appearence according to the believer. So, if you’re wondering what would he be like for the fiction-loving Shirogane, the answer is the expected one: she sees a God loaded with fantasy tropes like “black hair and red eyes”. She, who values those characteristic hard to find in real life and makes fervorous speeches about “Red-eyed black-haired characters are all perfect”, has already completely turned to an Angie devout. I... just hope  someone who would wholeheartedly listen to all her hyperfixations descends from heaven to her soon!?

Main Quotes:

“Huhuhu... Don’t you know? Those who see my true form pay a terrible price, you see?“: The foul-mouthed Iruma told Shirogane “If you take off your glasses, you’ll fade away“. In other words, if she loses the glasses that mark her as a plain character, her character would lose it’s meaning of existance and disappear. However, Shirogane said she’s off, if she takes her glasses off, she will transform. “She was actually hot all along without her glasses!” is a plot we see a lot in shoujo manga, but in Shirogane’s case we’re very curious to see what her real face will look like!? 

“Sorry... I’m in a bit of a financial trouble. Oh, if only someone could support me, that would be so great“: Now, Shirogane ascended to the top of the cosplayer world with overwhelming fame and reach. But before, she was a measly cosplayer that lived barely scraping by and had to earn her money through part-time jobs. A simple and easy option if you wanted to earn money fast, is to work in a place that sells alcohol to rich men, smile sweetly and conquer sponsorers. It’s admirable how far her passion towards her hobbies go!

“But, as I thought... maybe you should be The White Kanata“: After teaching the Cosplaying 101, Shirogane finally starts luring Saihara into the unescapable path of cosplay (popularly known as “cosplay hell“) and starts endlessly brainstorming garments that would suit him! After considering fantasy knights, failproof school uniforms and even crossdressing, the answer she arrived at was the protagonist of an old superhero anime Saihara also knows, “The White Kanata“. It was the first character Shirogane ever cosplayed and visibly a character she has strong feelings about. Knowing about their unexpected common point, Shirogane became unstoppable, filled with the will to put her soul into Saihara’s outfit.

Final comment: She clinging on to her otaku hyperfixations, fully trusting the belief they do no harm nor good. Shirogane’s presence runs full speed on the path to plainness, but it turns out she wants to make it shine on the cosplay stage!?

[theramblingonesie]

Facing Our Making Part 4: Makeup and Performance

Misty Copeland as “Firebird”

Welcome to the grand finale of the makeup blog series! It’s been a great experience writing about all of this because it’s given me an incredible opportunity to really dig into myself to discover my own biases, blind spots, preferences, and ways I can learn and grow. I dunno about you, but I rather enjoy that shit. I hope that maybe you learned something, too, or at least had a chance to tease out and reflect on how the subject has affected you in your own life.

Getting into social customs and how we each feel about them is an interesting sport. For me, I liken it to when you get your blood pressure measured at the doctor’s office.

You put the arm cuff on,

“Okay, here’s this social topic”

and they put the stethoscope on you to hear your pulse,

“Hello, world. Here’s what I think…”

and then they start pumping and tightening the cuff.

“This is wrong! Here are some arbitrary rules! Less of those people! Restrict! Cancel! Humiliate! Isolate! Deprive! No! Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!”

They go until they can’t tighten anymore, and pause.

“Yes, I’ve arrived. This is the TRUTH.”

And then release.

“Actually, fuck it, let people live their lives”

Whooooooosh!

Leaving you with the sound and feel of your own beating heart, the pulsing of the blood as it rushes back in.

“Hello, life.”

(Sorry, I think the sexy blood pressure pout is goddamn hilarious. )

We can do a review of previous blogs in this series, but ultimately what I hope you’ll walk away with is this:

Let’s stop arbitrarily restricting people, whether directly or through complicity, and let them live their best lives.

Yes, we need to examine social and structural cancers. But no, a boy with a purse and an 80 year old woman in sequins snake-print pants are most certainly not that.

I want to write about makeup and ageism. I want to write about makeup and classism. I want to write about makeup and racism. I want to talk about makeup lineage in families and cultures. I want to write about intimacy and faces, and a million other topics that makeup touches, holds and carries. But I am not a makeup artist or enthusiast, nor any kind of image specialist (fun fact: I’ve never been to Sephora), and I must move on to other things. At most, I am a shapeshifter who delights in the moods and adventures that dabbling in makeup and fashion can provide to the human experience.  Who knows, maybe I’ll tackle another piece randomly in the future. But regardless, I strongly encourage anyone who feels called to pick this up and run with it. Nothing I’m writing is original-- it’s just a collection of thoughts and opinions gained from experience and conversations had over the course of my life. I want these conversations to be had. They’re already being had, and we need to add voices to it. So please-- let’s hear yours <3

Here’s an oversimplified review of the rest of the blog series:

Beauty standards are impossibly harsh and cause a lot of unnecessary pain. Let womxn decide what they want to do with their own damn bodies and stay out of it. Unless they hire you for a consultation. Wearing makeup is awesome, and so is not wearing makeup. Your gender presentation and basically any presentation of your body and behavior do not determine who you are and aren’t attracted to sexually. And fuck gatekeeper behavior. If someone tells you that you aren’t the gender or sexual orientation you know yourself to be, then that’s a reflection of some internal shit they’re fighting with, boo-boo. Not you. But I know that doesn’t make it hurt less, and I love you. How toxic masculinity ruins the day in relationship to makeup or not makeup needs to die, and YES women and cis-women** also support and host this behavior (internalized misogyny).

How you choose to adorn yourself does not make your human experience any more or less “real”. Qualification for living a real life in a real body: having a pulse. Just because it is not your experience does not make someone else’s experience a myth. Womxn who wear makeup are not whores unless they are, in fact, professional whores. Professional whores keep the world turning, and bless em for it. The problem isn’t sex work. It’s violence against sex workers. Consider your complicity.  

If you want sexual attention because you enjoy sex, then that’s your business and FUCK YEAH GIT IT!!!

Christianity was largely instrumental in informing men that they are not allowed to wear makeup, lest they lose their “manhood”. I have so much to say about that, but I’ll leave it to a recent quote I heard from poet Regie Gibson: “We must learn to fear churches that fear drums.” That will resonate deeply with some and confuse others. Think about it.

The art of drag is centuries old. Makeup has been used by all genders and sexes for decades as a form of protest, revolution, equality, and visibility.

Whatever body you are in, whatever gender you are, you deserve to wear makeup if that is part of your desired expression. It is up to the rest of us around you to do the work to create a world that accepts and allows you to safely do so. Your level of perceived attractiveness does not determine the size and capability of your brain. What does need to be examined is how we sexually and emotionally abuse “attractive” girls and women, both in person and through media, in a way that forces them to believe that they cannot achieve a full life without using sex as currency, or that none of their accomplishments or thoughts matter because their only purpose is being a sexual accessory. As we’ve seen time and again, sexually “attractive” women are punished for straying beyond the purpose of being unintelligent sex objects. Or, there’s a lot of “woke” folks out there who are all “yay! Hot women are also smart, give them opportunities!” and will ONLY respect and listen to women they deem worthy of sleeping with. I will also challenge society by saying that it is sexual abuse to strip a person of their sexuality simply because they don’t fit what you’ve been conditioned to believe are your “standards”. No, one is not required to be sexually active with anybody. But denying another human’s right to love and affection due to superficial beliefs IS abuse, in my opinion. Forcing a person who does not fall into conventional beauty standards to intellectually perform beyond their abilities is abuse, and based in the illness of consumer culture.

What is your purpose?

WHAT is YOUR purpose?

What is your PURPOSE…

THING?

Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

A person’s decision to wear makeup, not wear makeup, or augment their body is their business, because those are decisions they make for their own personal survival. Do not blame them for wanting to survive. Consider the bombardment of messages we hear daily about “worth”. What our bodies look like determine too much to be listed here, but for many, it’s the difference between life and death, even if that’s not an immediately conscious motivation.

Marinate in that.

So let’s get down to the series conclusion. This is an exciting, though brief, one for me:

Performance and Makeup

When my friend Aepril (from blog #1) messaged me about her dilemma of being asked to show her “real” face, we both connected over the uniqueness of the application of makeup as performers. For a performer, makeup goes beyond wearing a nice face out in the world while we conduct our business. Makeup becomes a ritual act, and a space of channeling energy required to suspend disbelief and transport an audience to other times, realms and worlds.

Makeup for performers is also practical: don’t get drowned out by bright stage lights, and accentuate features so that the audience can follow your expressions while you’re telling a story.

One of my favorite parts of performing is, honestly, the pre-show ritual. I love the act of transformation. I go from my blank little pasty potato face and limp baby hair to creatures and characters from my dreams. I can be:

Super femme

Super butch

Superhero

Child

Old man/woman

Dragon

Cat

Spy

Femme fatale

Ballerina

Goddess

Bird

Elemental

Victorian socialite

Bum

Cartoon character

Someone’s dad

Heartthrob

Potted plant

And the list goes on…

Important note: I recognize that my age, whiteness, and stature grant me certain privileges of transformation that not all are afforded. I think this is important to acknowledge, as well as participate in conversations around greater equity in the entertainment industry. Except in cases such as blackface or cultural appropriation, it’s important to challenge type casting and beliefs around the limitations of who can play certain roles.

Makeup allows me to embody the energy I want to convey. If I can look like it, I can believe it. Sit backstage and watch performers after they’ve put on their makeup and costumes. Often, it’s as if their “normal” personality has left the building, and they begin taking on traits and mannerisms of the character they’re playing. It’s a wild experimentation in the realm of the human psyche- peering into our layers and depths of possibilities and dormant desires and aspects of ourselves. Some performers will reference a character they play and say, “yeah, that’s not who I am. But understanding that character gave me greater compassion for people like that”, while others will tell you that their character is a portrayal of their truest selves.

Because of the perceived separation from reality (though art imitates life), the stage is often the safest place for artists to fully show themselves. There is always the option to retreat afterwards and say “oh no, that wasn’t me. It was all pretend.” Or conversely, moments on stage can empower the artist to be supported in their moment of authenticity, because the audience understands that their role is to respectfully hold space and witness. I find that audiences are far better at allowing for differences when the context of being confronted by them is in an environment separate from their daily lives.

Plainly said-- everyone loves a loose cannon or bold personna on stage or in the movies. They feel far more threatened by it in the workplace or in their beds.

I’m neither advocating for, nor dismissing acceptance of all personality types. But I also sometimes find myself in a producer/manager stress space of saying, “yes, I get that this is wicked cute on stage or in the movies, BUT THIS IS REAL LIFE AND COULD YOU PLEASE ANSWER YOUR EMAILS AND NOT STORE THE KNIVES WITH THE HAIR BRUSHES, THANKS.”

The stage is a place where your desire to give everyone the finger and store the knives with the hair brushes is totally okay. And I think it’s great to have that outlet.

Pro tip: it’s smart to carry bandaids on a film set or backstage at a show.

Makeup gives us the courage to let those pieces out. Sam, looking like Sam, won’t do a lot of stuff. Sam looking like a person, animal or entity she admires (or loathes), will do almost anything. Yes, you can have a field day digging into that psychology, but the fact remains nonetheless.

A couple weeks back, beloved Boston burlesque Monster Queen and icon, Devilicia, recommended that I watch “Susanne Bartsch: On Top”, a documentary on Netflix. If you don’t know who this is (I didn’t), here’s an excerpt from her biography on her site:

Susanne Bartsch is New York City’s patron saint of transformation and inclusion. The parties she’s thrown for three decades—from Paris to Tokyo—have provided a venue for countless creative souls and “creatures” to express themselves, come together and forget the hum-drum of the everyday. As Michael Schulman wrote in his 2013 New York Times profile, Susanne’s “empire” continues to flourish “particularly among scene seekers too green to know her history. Wherever Ms. Bartsch goes, the demimonde seems to follow, as if summoned by the bat of her curlicued fake eyelashes.” Fashion mogul John Badum once referred to Susanne as “Mother Teresa in a glitter G-string.”

I can’t recommend this film highly enough. One of the most important parts was when Susanne tells the interviewers that she never had any artistic talent for painting or any other such creative mediums. She instead decided to use her body as her canvas for expression, exploring what makeup, color, texture, and so on could create, and that relation to the world around her. She refers back to the restriction of her upbringing, and how that influences her openness and dedication to personal expression. Susanne influenced countless careers and communities, especially for LGBTQA+ folx and those who consider themselves to be “outsiders”. When people who attend Susanne’s legendary parties were interviewed, many of them speak of these communities as life saving. It was a place where they could just be themselves, and finally be around others who either understood them, or allowed them to be exactly who they are. All of this through the power and creativity of makeup and fashion.

Makeup serves infinite purposes-- safety, transformation, personal exploration, etc. But one thing I love about this craft is its ability to amplify visibility as a sort of flag for finding your people. Often when I’m in a new city, I find myself dressing in a way that will signal to others who might share similar lifestyles that I’m out and available for connection. When I’m at my incognito cafe job and a womxn with black stiletto nails comes up to the register, I’ll give her a certain acknowledging smile and say “I love your nails”, which really means “I see you, friend.” The same way a lonely gay man will show up to one of Susanne’s events with mirror glitter on his eyelids and a tutu made of eyeballs thinking, “hello, do you see me? I’d love to be a part of this family”, so many of us will walk around the world looking for signs of matching lipstick, hairstyle, eyeliner, and tattoos in hopes that we will find other aliens who might accept and understand us.

Photo by Cheryl Gorski

Some people find community through the act of not wearing makeup. Yes, I use the word “act” intentionally, because in today’s society, I believe it is a conscious decision to not wear makeup, just as much as it’s a conscious decision to apply makeup. But from personal experience, the people I most often attract when I’m not wearing makeup are not usually “my people”. I give off a very different impression when I wear muted tones, a floppy messy pixie cut, and display my thin, pale, generically-European facial features. When I outwardly express myself through makeup and fashion, it’s like throwing a direct line to the crowds and conversations I want to be having. It’s not a flawless system, of course. Sometimes the same people who love and adore me while I’m dolled up have absolutely no use for me in muggle form, not always realizing that I’m the same person. Sometimes that makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry. Depends on the day.

I stand by the belief that your decision to wear or not wear makeup is revolutionary. It is a decision made that acts as agency in how you want your life to be played out. That’s powerful, whether for better or for worse. So many people say “ehhh wearing makeup is conforming” or vice versa. But I’d like to present the challenge that what we do to our own bodies is not the conformity, but rather the conformity lies in the pressure we put on others to think, feel, and present as we do, or in a way that’s convenient and pleasurable to us.

If you did the exercise from the first blog in this series and kept your list of all the reasons why you do and don’t wear makeup, go ahead and look at it now. Reflect on each of those responses, and remember that it’s your fucking life. Our bodies dictate almost all of the experiences we will have in the world. It is your right to try and have as much say in that as possible.

Thank you so much for reading, and best of luck on your journeys of exploration, expression, and finding a home with your people, whoever they may be.

** “women and cis-women” is a term my friend Alexis recently said to me, and I’m playing around with it.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

It's time to reclaim singledom as a symbol of power

"Are you swiping?" my best friend asks me over breakfast one morning. I gulp down a spoonful of woefully bland porridge and think for a moment about how to reply. 

The answer was no, I wasn't swiping. But in saying so, I was met with a bewildered expression. I'm reluctant to swipe these days, or just to date in general, due to a long, troubling pattern of power imbalances that have occurred in every single relationship I've had since I started dating when I was 15. 

Now, at age 30, my status as the perennial singleton is firmly established after taking countless protracted hiatuses from dating. Not because I don't like the idea of being in a couple, but rather because I find dating really hard. Let's be real, it's a truth universally acknowledged that dating is plain sailing for literally no one. But, as a woman who dates men, I've found that every breed of relationship I've ever had — from casual sex to long-term relationships — has felt completely antithetical to the vision of equality I've envisaged for my own life. The lack of agency I feel in my love life made me want to remain single just so I could cling on to any semblance of control. So, in order to avoid feeling disempowered, I have periodically opted out of dating.

It strikes me as odd that even in 2019 — in this new wave of the women's movement — my lack of a partner renders me something of an anomaly, an outlier among my friends and family. For decades, we've been trying to rebrand the trope of the single woman from sad lonely spinster to something more reflective of reality: an independent, discerning woman who is resistant to the pressures of the patriarchal social values we've inherited. But, is this rebrand even working? Because, from where I'm standing, the very same pressures Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw were up against in the '90s and '00s feel just as prevalent today.

At every single step of dating and in every genre of relationship, I come face to face with power disparities and micro-aggressions that are tinged with misogyny. During my last serious relationship, my boyfriend hurled gendered insults — "bitch," "crazy," "insane" — at me when I tried to assert myself or express that I wasn't happy about something. He would openly objectify my female friends, appraising their physical attractiveness with nominal values. I dumped him and vowed to be more discerning about the next man I called my boyfriend. The next person I dated rolled his eyes when I spoke and replied "come on, Rachel" when I asked questions about subjects I didn't know much about. The realm of online dating brings other headaches, like being pressured by matches to send nudes, receiving unsolicited dick pics, and harassment, and verbal abuse if I take too long to reply to messages or don't want a second date. 

In my sexual experiences with men, a marked power imbalance has left me feeling vulnerable and, at times, traumatised. When I look back on past encounters through a post-#MeToo lens, I can see that a troubling proportion of my sexual experiences fell into what I'd characterise as "grey areas"— sex that's non-criminal, but can feel violating. I experienced coercion, pain, and violence during sex that caused me trauma. During one experience, I asked the guy I was having sex with to stop because I had changed my mind. He proceeded to shout at me and yell insults until my housemate  intervened and helped remove him from our house.

Perhaps it's me, perhaps I'm picking the wrong men, I've told myself countless times. In an attempt to address those concerns, I have re-calibrated the choices I've made in selecting a partner. A few years ago, I vowed to only date men who identified as feminists, but in venturing down this path, I encountered a slew of other hurdles, principally so-called performative wokeness. This term, which has recently entered the popular lexicon, refers to people who publicly claim to care about social justice, they identify as allies to women, people of colour, LGBTQ people, and people with disabilities. In some of my liaisons with men who identified as feminists, their behaviour during our relationship ultimately did not match the values they purported to hold. Behind closed doors, there'd be micro-aggressions like gaslighting and subtle ways of patronising me that made me question my own intellect. 

SEE ALSO: Stop telling women how they should talk

In reality, it's far more complex than simply the choices I make about the type of guys I go for. Humorist and author Blythe Roberson, author of How To Date Men When You Hate Men, says dating is hard for everyone, but "dating as a straight woman is complicated by the fact that the gender you're attracted to has vast systemic power over you." 

"This can manifest in large ways, but also in more insidious ways I used to brush off: men saying they could never be in a relationship with someone more successful than they are, or men treating me as frivolous for thinking and writing about dating at all," says Roberson. 

My experiences are, of course, not representative of all men. Nor do they represent the experiences of all women. Trans women who date men face a different set of challenges when dating, chief of which is being sexualised but not respected. 

Paris Lees, British Vogue columnist and trans awareness campaigner, says there are some men who are happy to have sex with trans women, but feel shame about dating trans women in a serious capacity. "It's really interesting when you tell guys that you're trans because immediately it's like, 'Oh we don't have to treat you with as much respect now.' Not all of them, but a lot of guys, they think 'Oh, this is the one I'm gonna fuck, but I'm not gonna take home to meet mum and dad.'" 

She believes the conversations surrounding whether or not trans women are "real women" have heightened misogyny for trans women. "At the height of the 'are trans women real women' debate in the British media about a year ago, I was actually dealing with bullshit from a man and I just remember thinking, 'This is bullshit,'" says Lees. "Seriously, these people are telling me I'm not a real woman, and I'm out here getting all the misogyny." 

Indiana Seresin, an academic specialising in feminist and queer theory, says she believes that "heterosexual dating is often just tiring for women." 

"Dealing with issues like men's entitlement, the unequal division of physical and emotional labour, and men's ignorance about women's sexuality is exhausting," Seresin tells me. "As a queer woman I can confidently say that we don't face a lot of these issues, thank God. On the other hand, there are still cultural norms that we've regrettably inherited from heterosexuality, one of which is the couple form itself."

Rebranding the trope of the single woman 

The hegemony of the couple form is something we, as a society, are struggling to shed. And it's standing in the way of our perceptions of what it means to opt out of traditional dating structures, like not participating in dating. When we look back on the pop culture poster girls for singledom — Jane Eyre, Elizabeth Bennett, Carrie Bradshaw, Bridget Jones, Kat Stratford — all their stories end happily with them finding Mr. Right. The story ends with these shrewish bluestockings finding a cure for their ailment — and that cure is a man. Not only do I not want to take this medicine, I know for a fact I'm not ill. 

This notion of single women needing to be fixed is one that frustrates sex and wellness writer Maria Del Russo. "I feel like there's still this idea among women that 'single' is a negative state of being instead of just another label for society to slap on you," Del Russo tells me. "When a woman is single, there's something wrong with her, and she needs to fix it. There's this idea that single folks need fixing, and it's pretty messed up."

Not only do we think of single women as broken and waiting to be fixed, there's also the stereotype of the 'sad single gal' (think Bridget Jones in her PJs singing Céline Dion's "All By Myself" on her sofa). 

Roberson says there's "definitely a trope of sad single girls or frustrated single girls" — a label she feels has been applied to her. "I think a lot of people conflate my book title and my relationship status with me being, like, an incel," says Roberson with a laugh. 

Don't villainise women who don't date

Dating shouldn't be considered a compulsory module in the curriculum of life. Roberson says women's "increased access to education, jobs, birth control, abortion, and divorce means women don't have to structure their lives around men." 

"So, if women have more financial choice, trying to shame women for making the choice to be single is another way that patriarchy tries to control them," she says.

This shaming can manifest itself in what Seresin calls "faux-concern" — something that many single people might be familiar with. Think about the moments people have cocked their heads to one side and said, "oh you'll find someone" or "he's out there" when you tell them you're single. 

"Women who opt out of dating will be villainised by the broader culture (even if that comes in the form of faux-concern)," says Seresin. "I think the important thing is to see that villainisation itself as proof that you are doing something radical."

"Our society is still terrified by women who realise they don't need heterosexual partnership," she says. "But this is actually a major trope in early science fiction. Lots of this literature features worlds that have developed technology to reproduce without men and realise men suddenly have literally nothing to add to that society." 

When a woman says she's happily single, believe her 

In the same way that childless women are stigmatised, we're also socially conditioned to think that single women are tragic figures deserving sympathy, not admiration. In some cases, that social conditioning makes us disbelieve our own happiness when we're single. Lees says she feels very conflicted about how her views on other single women tally up with her own experience of singledom.

"Deep down at the back of my mind if I'm completely honest with you, I never really believed people that they're happily single," says Lees. "I have been single for the past year and honestly I am so happy. It's like I couldn't believe the evidence of my own life?" 

Lees even found herself thinking that she was only telling herself she was happy to make herself feel better. But, over Christmas she did some stocktaking of her life and thought to herself: "No, maybe you are happy, Paris." 

Question who society prizes as icons of singledom 

In our pop culture celebrations of singleness, we need to think about how race also intersects with those we herald as the forerunners of the single-by-choice movement. "There's everyone going crazy over Rihanna saying she isn't looking for a man, or that video of Eartha Kitt laughing at the idea of compromising for a man," says Seresin. "They are both amazing statements that I totally agree with, but I think we need to be aware of how our culture frames black women as patron saints of singleness, because black women have always been excluded from mainstream narratives of romantic coupledom." 

"In romantic comedies, for example, there is the role of the single, 'sassy' black best friend of the white woman who gets the man. By having Rihanna and Eartha Kitt be the major voices of refusing heterosexual coupledom, we are forcing them to play that role in the culture at large," says Seresin. 

Throughout history the single black woman has been vilified. In the 1960s, the Moynihan Report — a report on black families authored during U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson's administration — essentially blamed black women for the demise of the traditional family structure. In 1976 and 1980, Ronald Reagan stirred up racist rhetoric by using the term "welfare queens" — a label historically applied to single black women — as a cautionary tale against people defrauding the welfare system. As our culture slowly re-calibrates its position on the palatability of single women, it's important to recognise the cultural legacy of scapegoating the single black woman.  

See relationships as a side order, not a main course

It's hard not to think about dating and relationships when they're such a ubiquitous theme in mainstream culture. Love is on our TV screens, on the pages of the books we read, in our Instagram feeds, and in the conversations we have with friends. We might not be able to do much about the wider cultural fixation on love, but one thing we can try to change is how we, as individuals, prioritise relationships. 

Del Russo, the sex and wellness writer, says that "until the culture as a whole changes, and stops selling us this package of relationships as a goal to clear, people need to start changing their own perceptions." 

"I've started to think of a relationship the same way I think about a scented candle. (Stay with me.) Is it a nice thing that makes the space a little nicer? Sure. But is the space still a complete space without this scented candle? Absolutely," she says. 

In order to start trying to change our perceptions about the importance of relationships, Del Russo advocates posing yourself two questions: "Why do I want to be in a relationship? What do I think a relationship could give me that I couldn't give myself?" 

The weight of society's trepidation should never have to fall on just one woman's shoulders. And, as Seresin says, "no woman can change these things on her own — you can't be a one-woman revolution." 

What we, as individuals can do, is interrogate our preconceived notions about dating. Like the idea that single women can't possibly be happy on their own. Or that even our most iconic single leading ladies eventually will succumb to love in the end. 

Love or no love, I know I'm already complete and that's all that matters to me. 

WATCH: Here are the top five moments where women stole the show at this year’s GRAMMYs

[imsuchafuckinlooser-blog]

Trove Redemption Codes

{And also not the real Alamo in Dallas, evidently, nevertheless the an individual I built-in a cleft connecting two eco-good hillsides while unpleasant flying little bugs what size Paul Reubens pestered me. While using whirlwind tour of this dragon's lair. |{Most courses and so become fantastically not much like one other, while which can not are actually too hard to achieve, serious about that each and every session only will receive 3 or more talents. "X" scars the got rid off dungeon, or, just a bit of ironically, the looted jewel. The preserving luxury? Trove Bot Fishing carries a marvelous town, which is kindness more often than not consists of for losing out on attributes. Trove Bot Fishing is still highly sought after on Water vapor on the grounds that its first round the base returning in such a the summertime 9--increasingly popular, indeed, that to this day, queues typically depart me awaiting thirty minutes for the hr prior to I'm free to insert. Once scores of hours of have fun playing, that perception continues to have not entirely faded, but i imagine I'll soon ought to procedure from Trove Bot Fishing for a little bit to stay it. The first time I logged Certainly, it is easy to in the event you This isn’t an issue through map to be got rid off, it is just do some info then continues for your immediately following. |mindful Yes indeed, you can easily inform which method you experienced experienced only by hunting at that you been with your plate but, I ended up getting to inquire about a global funnel how you can enhance modes considering that it was an element that turned out to be professional during the early steps and was not one thing I reached using for a serious while. It's so polished indeed that Trion could conveniently mention the Trion has a ideal customer service framework in place for Trove Bot Fishing. The talk service or product is very easy to use which is utilised a bit typically by athletes. “We want to look at Trove Bot Fishing,” mused RPS’s “Hundreds of many of us are actively playing it, so there should be one thing fantastic about it. However so that the resourceful team through experience bot has long been at a loss relating to the avarice team: there are specific marvelous co-operative buildings found in the ‘Clubs’, a model of Guild/individual shard hybrid, but most commonly everyone’s sprinting a whole lot of exactly the same dungeons repeatedly wanting to find past experiences, rare metal coin and related equipment. |Most people dim and misty mountain peak tops, the skeletal C418 soundtrack which seems like a sluggish-movements existential crisis, the brutality through night time-time monster invasions prior to you’re almost everything like completely ready for them… Minecraft has, for the vanilla flavor mode, environment developing outside of No-an individual wants ideas purely because no facts are important, no mysteries wait for: everything’s rapidly, you should merely get a sufficient amount of pieces to make it, or else you get it. wands and masks by reaching circumstances, I possibly could commit my winnings on setting up pieces of equipment that to make other pieces of equipment or change obstructs with many other hues, I possibly could step by step enlarge my ‘Cornerstone’ constant base consequently it could feature each one of these items, I possibly could smacked circumstances attractive circumstances attractive circumstances, and And not excessively in I possibly could touch just how much 2 and switch a bloody great dragon approximately 15 mere seconds. Regardless of whether jointly or all alone, toiling away from at stunning buildings is a thing you can do near you want, while not having to commit a cent. It is effective. focused inside the Quite a few them also have dialog which is an individual little bit of too youngster-on target into my tastes (purely because many them are usually definitely focused at kids than the others) but it is typically worthwhile for all those minerals and vitamins. Just a single time of Steven Realm has more of all many people circumstances than pretty much all of Michael Bay’s filmography. For certain, but many people cartoons are by grown people who more on cartoons and so are making cartoons notably so they really have a solid appeal to grown people and particular signifying for grown people. |It's absolutely nothing intellectual contents, absolutely nothing subtlety, and nil appeal to anyone who isn’t just using in becoming a toddler (which may be a legitimate goal, occasionally). comments. Once I had been young-looking, we’d make valid groups with this particular associates, and make valid circumstances. situations. This is exactly what I meant making use of minecraft details nevertheless. Moisture underneath the connect, I guess: that then, Trion? I’m acquainted with men or women analyzing every voxel experience bot ever before to minecraft, but i didn’t foresee witnessing That lots of reviews in a single summary :O Do you have even think about solitary perhaps the experience bot with no rapidly analyzing it to such type of like? You possess some fantastic ideas as part of your short post and that also i concur with a few details, while Specifically, i believe that it is genuinely annoying to ascertain if there is a compare to Minecraft or maybe Seriously every 2 phrases. extremely difficult to Hell, the game itself is merely an individual tremendous compare. 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No article no ‘quests’ but nevertheless selling a professional sum of experience bot free of cost. about it's fully free. What’s drastically wrong with this particular? Oh, and merely poking exciting at whomever explained farmville was considerably P2W, about 80-90Per cent Through the experience bot offerings is become definitely free of cost and may be in the long run purchased to the people who spend extra money. Allocate through things you explained was valid, but, you were pretty much signifying that you just even though it was really a crappy experience bot for anyone but kids. you're mindless? failing to try to remember Trion is really a Manufacturer? also, its the entire parents / guardians there concern, for people with a strong youngster, like we that, they rarely bitch about taking info, say such things as “mommy, mom i would personally like this” can really make my parents / guardians merely say “there is perhaps not that you need to want” accomplish of disagreement. Nothing at all in this experience bot is required to be paid for for with valid hard cash, other than vision shifts. reveal You receive a sufficient amount of in-experience bot currency exchange that choosing almost everything is entirely additional. Nevertheless: 50Per cent past experiences will mean pretty much practically nothing. |We do not fear of farmville, but purely because extended because doing so backing Trion to allow them to continue creating Rift (Thats generally, IMO, the ideal Seriously type MMO out), then I’m Why is it necessary to label it for children, mocking all people which can truly benefit from the experience bot and isn’t a son or daughter. categorization It is a terrific sector judgment for Trion, but we’re able to a spade a spade. It was a step through vintage approach experience bot he’d chosen from his designs and towards a far more voyage-oriented installation. So are you willing to describe why parents / guardians would pay up a its a MMO Mash em Up Dungeon Exploror / Sandbox experience bot. you have rarely Toward the RPS town: I'm truly sorry for giving the troll, but i couldn't depart this particular one factor. Trove Bot Fishing kinda jogs my memory of my fav experience bot which has been COH/COV. Amen sibling, amen. It's fantastic to see what’s attainable every now and again which RPS does. |You just climbed to figure out how to job the buying and selling Individuals that commit plenty of cash are considered the sort who're impatient and hope one thing rapidly. We’re thusly quite not actually near to blaming cancerous cells onto the guys and females. We do not guard actively playing Air conditioning (and reckoned I had been considerably clear about my personal-loathing in addition to that, we have inevitably quit actively playing it, I’m happy to status) but yeah, Utilized to do wish to was exploring one thing (even if to make money or structure fascination I’m truthfully at night about) beyond genuinely purposely as a hamster tire. myself Actually? During my opionion, Trove Bot Fishing is often a relatively humanist sort of the normal f2p phase. Regardless of whether it consistently requests extra money to finish circumstances, pause actively playing, remove it and go on to |It designed around assisting you to develop start seeing just one advertising every couple of hours to come up with cash flow for them… this is done on a short term in-experience bot tempo improve. wings free of cost, pets discount and any other thing are available with ingame currency exchange) is just not ideal. can certainly too minecraft tower mod had different business with dungeons quite a few years returning, cubeworld didn’t improve that. This game’s town is filled with kids, since you can conveniently understand and uncomplicated to become involved in, but this doesn’t indicate, that it's intended for kids or that it's a ‘kids game’! I like actively playing RPGs, but i can’t stay RPGs, for which you can’t truly advance very fast, as you should do quests and Have to do raids and info (for example Seriously) to gain inside the optimum range! And I’m only a couple of an individual. But Trove Bot Fishings economic conditions died one or two weeks returning, so that is through impression. for the stow are credits only, you do not get scores of fully free credits. disagree making use of Trove Bot Fishing is undoubtedly an rpg experience bot where only way to expire is washed out by competitors, fall cause damage to, or detrimental bodily fluids (toxic standard tap water and lava) Not from hunger or other success factors. so there's no technique of be sure to take returning and “get a more efficient mount” after you have any install aside from the beginner. You need to insert a excursion business or center business, obtain a foundation there, while focusing onto it there. Really, they're able to opt for mainly because they go, designing just as much or very small of this very specific biome mainly because they really feel compliment. |an adequate sum of main obstructs to make the amount of just one one more hue were required to put together the most convenient of buildings be a challenge, you've yet reached grind for a lot of hue recipes. A center couple of factors, as for instance dungeon structure as well as dearth of block styles given to learners, can certainly obstruct delight for a few. Trove Bot Fishing is really a voxel-built voyage Mmog from Trion. Golfers can simply replace courses and talents to modify to ever before-changing worlds. more rapid, and Dynamic Burned Presenting - Throws a Dragon Idol that has to positively be smacked 4 The work set about owning a perception put together a experience bot that evokes a perception you get for those who originally go to a completely new business and start to be aware of more details on. Trion Worlds’ voxel MMO voyage experience bot Trove Bot Fishing gets into Open up Beta currently for Playstation 4 and Xbox A specific. I discovered this to be rather unpleasant. put in a If you happen to someone who really enjoys attempting to find new loot, you'll become in your home. |{It would be not actually near to image credible, nonetheless it appearances damn pleasant. There'll in the long run arrived a space that single have fun playing isn’t really a preference, but that’s truly a lot in. There are numerous fairly obtuse methods and two heads are preferable over an individual. {}all over the world take pleasure in the game which is two expansions, Cause problems for of Dark areas and Specter of Torment, then when an accumulation of this 3 in a single download round the Transition was unveiled, i had been quite happy. The Two expansions included in Value Trove Bot Fishing stick to the tales of two series' villains Cause problems for Dark night time and Specter Dark night time. All advertising campaign constitutes a great, standalone experience bot, but mixing them grants many ideal contents in one location for brand spanking new arrivals with the collection. Regardless of whether searching jewel in a lot-off lands or setting up realms of this, it is rarely been this best to be sq! The first thing that indeed delighted use is perhaps the sharp graphics they appear like minecraft-ant but all at once they're striking , more than happy and sharpened a component which will make the game more really good. the There are several multiple courses to choose from black night time to Burial place Raider every session is unique along with other the very best of this is that you may fast change from an individual session to a different and range each of them up. Trovian and Trovian Cruise. resourceful athletes and people who obtain a excursion stuffed with loot and eliminate. Yet, I A good time was had by all, implemented by loud cursing.

[ubiquitous-l]

1/117 - Meeting the Stunner (1/4)

Next Chapter ->

Index Raws: http://www.my285.com/XY/wdxj/index.htm

Chapter 1 Raws: http://www.my285.com/XY/wdxj/01.htm

[[World of Summie’s Translations]]

Visit World of Summie’s translation if mine doesn’t make sense. She has translated Ch.1-7 but hasn’t updated it since 2015 and we use different raws. I’m translating from the very beginning to know the Chinese characters for the names and get a better understanding of Chinese grammar. I do rely heavily on machine translators so who knows if this is correct. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong though.

[Unedited]

第一章 / 遇见尤物

Chapter 1 (of the book) / Meeting the Stunner

(Think of the first paragraph as a preview for what happens later on. I’m not sure why the raws had this as the first paragraph. Also, be prepared to read a ton of footnotes & commentary.)

       帅哥哭笑不得地拿着我的假发，做雕塑状，只是冷冷目视我，而他走之前，我还是语重心长地拍着他的肩膀说："小伙子，以后没事不要长那么美，出门不安全。"

This handsome guy dumbfoundedly [1] held my wig like a sculpture and simply gave me a cold look. Before he left, I sincerely patted his shoulder, explaining, “Young man, next time, do not look so attractive. It is dangerous to wander around [2].”

[1] 哭笑不得 - an idiom where the person is unsure whether to laugh/cry

[2] This phrase was taken from Novel Updates. 

+++

　　我现在心如死灰，只想找一堵墙结束我凄惨的人生，而对面穿得花枝招展的莉莉莎仍然沉浸在打击我的乐趣中，鲜艳的红唇滔滔不绝，几乎是享受地看着我失魂落魄。

Right now, my heart is in ashes [3]. I just want to look for a wall to end my miserable life, but sitting opposite of me is the gorgeously dressed Lilisha (莉莉莎) who was still attacking my happiness with her vivid, red lips talking endlessly, as if she enjoys watching my distraught self.

[3] Idiom meaning extreme despair.

　　她一定以为我失恋了，其实姑娘你不知道，我是快失业了。

She must have been under the impression that I was heartbroken. Actually, young lady, I'm about to be unemployed.

　　“玛丽，你好傻，你怎么会看上垅少？你不知道他每天晚上陪他那个的是各种各样的小男孩吗？”。

"Mary (玛丽), you're such an idiot, why did you fall for Long Jr.(垅少)? Didn’t you know he has lot of young boys accompanying him in that manner every night?"

　　“真，真的？”。

"Re-really?"

　　“这还有假？妈妈桑亲口跟我说的。听说‘暗’的背后老板就是邓垅。呵，这样也好，方便自己也方便别人，据说暗的主题‘天下同志是一��’就是邓垅提出来的。”

"How can I be wrong? Mama-san personally told me that info. I also heard that An's (暗) hidden boss is him, Deng Long (邓垅). Oh, this is so good. It's convenient for me and the others too. An's rule is 'Comrades are a part of the family', proposed by Deng Long (邓垅) himself."

　　暗是A市最具规模的同性恋酒吧，低调却不缺奢华，我听人说过，那圈子里卧虎藏龙，也不乏能翻江倒海的人物。

An (暗) is a large-scale homosexual nightclub in City A that keeps a low profile, but is not lacking in grandeur. I heard people say that their circle hides talented individuals [4]. That place is also a den for powerful people.

[4] Original expression was “hidden dragon, crouching tiger”

　　没想到我还真遇上一条黑龙，吃男不吃女的。

I just did not expect to meet a black dragon [5] that eats men, but not women.

[5] A successful & powerful person

　　我低头瞥了眼自己脖子下面那两个肉馒头，近乎绝望地认识到，现在报名变性手术已太晚，短时间内，我不可能由小女孩变成小男孩。

I lowered my head to glance at the two steamed buns below my neck. I was more distraught after realizing that my current self needed to undergo a sex change, but it was too late. I did not have enough time to change from a young girl into a young boy.

　　下半生再努力，我顶多能成为卖男孩的小女孩而已。

If I tried hard from now on, the most I could be is a young girl who sells young boys, nothing more.

　　我面对的是几乎不可能完成的任务。

It seems as if I was given an almost impossible assignment.

　　莉莉莎凑到我耳边，神秘兮兮的说，“邓垅讨厌女人是出了名的，据他自己形容，要是上了女人，就好像吃了好几千只苍蝇，想死的心也有呢。”

Lilisha (莉莉莎) saw this as an opportunity to move closer to my ear and mysteriously whispered, "Deng Long (邓垅) really hates women. Based on his description, eating a woman is the same as eating a thousand houseflies. His heart will also die and he'll cease to exist."

　　我被打击到极点，翘着二郎腿忍不住冷哼，“这么说，他的仇家只要派个女人强上他就能让他隔天自杀了？”。

I was met with a heavy blow. I crossed my legs, unable to stop myself from coldly snorting, "So what you really mean is that he hates the women that were sent by his enemies and if they were to spend the night together, he will commit suicide the next day?"

　　莉莉莎楞了楞，然后不怀好意地朝我笑了笑，姿态妖娆地点起了香烟，“条件允许的话，也可以考虑考虑轮奸嘛。”

Lilisha (莉莉莎) looked blankly at me, then wickedly smiled with an alluring posture while smoking, "Yes, if the conditions permitted. Then again, you can always consider gang r*ping him."

　　我郑重点了点头，适时奸笑一下表示赞许，暗示她我是跟她同一国的，得不到就要毁掉嘛，不能便宜了其他男人。

I seriously thought about that option, nodding every so often and showing a sinister smile to express my praise for her suggestion. She and I were the alike. If one cannot obtain something, one should destroy it rather than let a man take advantage of this golden opportunity.

　　当然我还在忧郁。

Of course, I was still dejected.

　　声色犬马的世界里，女人总是有撩人的唇，恶毒的牙，还有漂亮的斗篷遮挡一切，我丝毫不奇怪，我唯一奇怪的是，为什么“魅色”夜总会的老板，所有性感小姐的上司，邓垅，该死的会是个不喜欢女人的同性恋呢？

Clearly, the sensual pleasures of the world had an unwritten rule for women's existence to rely on her attractive lips and sinister teeth, but each must also possess a beautiful cloak to shelter those features. I don't find this rule the slightest bit strange. The only thing I do find strange is the reason why Mei Se's (魅色) nightclub owner aka. the sexy ladies' superior is that wretched boss, Deng Long. Damn it! How is it possible that this kind of owner is not fond of women, but instead fancy men?

　　我出离愤怒了。

I was really angry.

　　这么重要的情报，局里居然没有搞到或者百度到，而我堂堂一个方警官沦落为“玛丽小姐”近乎一个礼拜，毫无建树，根本找不到任何接近他的机会。

Such vital information, yet the office unexpectedly did not get a hold of it, nor did the search engine Baidu, and as a result, I, the dignified Police Officer Fang (方), was reduced to acting as Miss Mary (玛丽) for almost a week with barely any contribution because I couldn't find a way to get closer to him.  

　　只因为我不是那该死的“玛丽先生。”

Just because I'm not a damned Mr. Mary (玛丽).

　　我四十五度角仰望夜空，突然明白了，我方亮亮不是来当卧底的，我是来搞笑的。 　　 I looked at the night sky at a forty-five degree angle, and unexpectedly realized that I, Fang Liang Liang (方亮亮), am not here to hide as an undercover agent, but am here to be funny.

　　我的情绪低落到极点，但是还来不及撞墙结束荒唐的人生，妈妈桑就嗖得踢开门，短暂扫视后，锐利的视线落在我和莉莉莎身上，血红的唇张开了，一张一闭，像是一台无情的ATM吞钱机，“怎么？老娘请你们来聊天嗑瓜子的啊，还不给老娘出去干活！”

My mood took a nose dive, but it was too late to knock my head against a wall and end this absurd life. Mama-san (妈妈桑) had just kicked the door open, briefly sweeping her eyes over the room with her keen line of sight before locating Lilisha and I chatting. Her blood red lips opened and closed like a heartless ATM machine swallowing money, "Did this old woman ask you to come here to gossip and crack melon seeds? Ah, go back to work!"

　　河东狮吼一出，老油条莉莉莎慵懒站起来，水蛇腰一扭一扭，扭到了妈妈桑的旁边，娇滴滴笑，“妈妈桑，我可没偷懒，我那个熟客王总啦，超喜欢我嘴里那瓜子味呢，上次还问我磕的什么牌子呢，我说傻瓜瓜子啊，你猜他怎么说的”

Like a shrewish wife, old fox Lilisha languidly stood up. She twisted and swung her hips until she arrived at Mama-san's side and cutely smiled, "Mama-san, I was not goofing off, my one frequent visitor, Wang Zong (王总), is quite fond of the taste of my cracked melon seeds. Can you guess what that fool said about my melon seeds?"

莉莉莎勾嘴角笑得不正经，“他让我每次陪他之前先磕磕瓜子润润口气，滋补着呢。”

Lilisha struck out a corner of her mouth to form a frivolous smile, "Whenever he visits, he'll always let me crack melon seeds first to moisten my mouth. He says it's quite nourishing."

　　在场人的嘴角都抽搐了，妈妈桑踢着她的屁股，怒吼，“下回给老娘把牙刷干净了再出去。简直坏我魅色的招牌。”

Whoever was present in the room, had the corner of their mouths twitch. Mama-san kicked her butt and bellowed, "Next time, let this old woman handle a toothbrush to clean your mouth. Again, go out. Practically spoiling, my, Mei Se's, reputation for business."

　　莉莉莎笑得更得意。

Lilisha laughed, still proud of herself.

　　人在屋檐下不得不低头，我赔笑经过妈妈桑时，她严厉的视线依然狠狠撅住我，狮吼一触即发，我用脚趾头猜也知道，菜鸟永远是统治阶级菜盆中的鹌鹑，美味并且疏于抵抗。

People under this roof had no choice, but to bow their heads to Mama-san. I smiled apologetically as I passed by Mama-san. Her strict line of sight stayed firmly on me. The lioness could shriek at any moment. I prepared my toes for her attack. I knew too well that the rookie is always the quail, the target dish, in the ruling class because it's a delicacy that is lacking in resistance.

　　菜鸟确实没有抵抗的力量，但不意味着她没有猥琐的力量。

It is true that a rookie does not have resistance to power, but that doesn't mean that I was an insignificant force.

Next Chapter ->