#I checked one person who liked a tweet of mine and I lived to regret it lets say CUZ IT REMINDED ME HOW TRASH FANDOM WAS

[killuaisaprincess]

KI DESERVES BETTER

Anytime anyone in fandom anyone in show anyone real or not anywhere insults Ki

me:

[shawn-mendes-post]

Broken Promise

bnA/N: So this is my new series that I talked about. Chapter one done after a couple of days. I got side track because I was watching the Order on Netflix. I really like the show and hope there will be a season 3. I can’t wait to read some fanfic of the Order. I love Randall and Hamish ❤💕❤. Alyssa kept getting on my nerves, but I did like her in the beginning.  

Requested: No

Words: 3000

Paring: Reader x Shawn Mendes, Reader x Dylan (friendship), eventually Reader x Timothee C. 

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Two years. Two years down the drain. The relationship will not ever be the same, no matter what. A beautiful relationship that did not consist of fighting or envy. The couple spent their time in secret, not wanting to ruin the bliss. How could this happen? Where did things go wrong? 

You sat on the bed, close to the edge, staring into space, recalling the moment; every damn moment of the relationship, looking for a clue. You yearned to understand how a perfect relationship becomes completely broken. How could a single girl shift everything between Shawn and you?

'Well, she is not some girl,' you thought, bitterly, phone in hand open to a disturbing sight. The news popped up on Twitter, as fans kept retweeting over and over again, to your annoyance. When you first see the tweet, disbelief filled your body, not wanting to accept the idea Shawn was cheating on you. However, you started to check for more proof that could either confirm your suspicions or disregard it, which you hoped was the latter. 

Time freeze at the moment you found a dozen articles about the two, who were acting more than friendly. Frantically, you skim them, dreading the answers to your questions written in the words of the articles. 'Fourth of July? He said he was spending time with his sister, who supposedly came to visit him.' You swallow back the tears that threatened to spill while at the same time, your heart is breaking into million pieces. 

You send him multiple messages hoping to get him to deny these speculations before, moving on calling his cell as you begin to panic. Silence is what you received because Shawn does not answer, leaving you in the dark, making your mind come up with many crazy ideas. 

"Bub, please call me back."

"Darling, what the hell is going on?"

"Baby, why are you not answering?"

"Shawn, I swear I will leave you."

An hour went by with no response, which leads you to believe Shawn is with Camila. Done with his lack of response, you fiddle around the room, grabbing your suitcase, filling it up with clothes, needing to getaway.

Shawn was supposed to be the one.  He was the one that felt like home, but now he feels like a stranger. Shawn was the one to tie you down and start a family, but now that seems impossible. 

Your breathing becomes heavy, panic setting in at the thought of being alone. Your hands become clammy as you struggle to calm down, knowing a full panic attack will occur if you do not stop. You could hear the blood pumping through your ears thump, thump, thump, while your breathing became haggardly then before. 

Ring! Ring! 

Your phone rings, making you take deep breathes before answering, praying the will not pay attention to the sound of her voice. You pick up, not knowing who is calling, but thinking it is Shawn. 

"Sha-" You tried to speak, but gets cut off by the caller. 

"Hey, it is me. I was wondering when you will be on your way? You know filming will start soon," Dylan asked, missing his friend since it has been a while. 

"I'm leaving soon. It slipped my mind completely," you laugh shakily before continuing," I missed you too, Dyl." Glancing around the silent flat, you knew it was time to stop living in a silly fantasy. The secret relationship with you and Shawn would have never lasted, you think. The two of you lived separate lives, barely having time to see each other. Shawn would be on tour or writing music, living his dreams, while you would be traveling to star in movies and television shows, pursuing your dream. You even had a couple of chances to dabble with directing and producing. 

"Is everything okay?" Dylan asked, knowing something was wrong, deciding to offer his ear, thinking you would need to talk. 

"I will be okay, Dyl. I missed shooting and can't wait to see everyone. " You explained, fingers running through your hair, worried he would keep asking questions.

 "If you are sure. I am here when you need to talk," Dylan said, not wanting to push you, but wanting to let you know he will be there. Dylan was the first co-star you meet, and things immediately hit things off. The two of you would be the ones singing onset or pulling pranks on the other co-stars. The two of you were like siblings off-screen, which helped you to play Clay Jensen's sister. 

"I know, Dyl. It is significant to talk in person so I will see you soon. How is Lydia?" You asked, thinking it will distract him. You knew how Dylan gets when his girlfriend is named. 

"She is well. I can't wait till filming is over so I can spend more time with her. You know how busy she can get with the band. I also have been spending time with the guys coming up with new songs. I can show you if you want. I am interested in seeing some of the songs that you promised me," Dylan spoke, smiling at the thought of how you get embarrassed when others look at your songs. 

You chuckle, regretting telling him about you writing some songs in your free time. "I will, Dyl. I need to before I miss my flight to California. I have a few things to resolve before I can leave. I will see you at the flats," you said, assuring Dylan, already planning the next steps. 

Hanging up, you make your way to the bedroom, glancing to make sure you got everything significant. Sighing, you grab a paper and pen, wondering what to write to Shawn, needing to find closure or else. 

Dear Shawn, 

I heard you were with someone else. I thought it was a silly rumor until I saw the proof myself. Camila? I never thought the two of you would betray me, but I was wrong. I knew there was a feeling between the two of you, but I did not think they were so strong. I wished many things went differently between us. 

I wished we spent more time together, then maybe you would not look elsewhere. Who am I kidding? You would have found a way to be with her because you love her. I witness the way you look at her. Shawn, you look at her the way you used to look at me. I wished I stopped myself from falling for you. I never thought we would become separate from each other or the idea of falling out of love. I wish we were open about our relationship, and I know it was my fault. I was scared to face the hate I would receive from your fan girls. I was nervous about the paparazzi invading our privacy, and I value it. I could keep going, but I should not, or else I will have more regrets. Shawn, I did love you. I do love you with my whole heart. I hope she makes you happier then I did. I will miss spending time with your family. Please send my regards to them. 

Shawn, I did think you would be the one. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with till my death. I envision the two of us settling down in a cute home close to your family. I pictured popping out a few kids that would love you to the moon and back. I could see us getting old together, watching after our grand kids and their kids. I would have given up my acting for you if you had asked. I would have given you everything in return to be mine. I was yours, and I thought you were mine. 

I am leaving to help myself heal from this heartbreak. I think it is best if we do not communicate for a while. I do wish you the best. 

Sincerely, (Y/N)

P.S

You broke your promise, Shawn. You hurt me. Broken Promises. 

You sniffle, folding up the note, thinking of a place to put it. You grab your things, making one last swept of the flat. Satisfied, you place the golden ring on the counter with the note, walking out, silently saying goodbye. Your head is down, fighting off the tears as you make your way to the airport. The beginning of your new chapter about to begin and some things will surprise you. 

You made sure to stay hidden from everyone, not wanting to be surrounded by fans. It was hard to get through the airport undetected, but you made it. There were a few accidents along the way; however, nothing that discourages you. The plane flight was relaxing for you as you slept on the plane, knowing you would be busy shooting in the few months. 

---

Shawn woke up in an unfamiliar bed next to a sleeping figure. He groans because he tried sitting up, and a pounding headache meets him. His hands rush to his head, hoping the pain will go away soon or else he did not know how long it would last. 

Shawn could only remember a few things that happened last night, but that did not freak him out. It was the body next to him, which he knew could not be his lovely girlfriend/ fiancee. Persistently the pounding in his head made him groan ever so soft as he moves to remove the covers. His eyes widen at the female figure next to him. 

"Oh shit," he mumbled, getting off the bed quietly, running a hand through his locks, thinking about how he got in this situation. Memories flash through his mind about the two hanging out. 

Shawn stood by the pool, laughing at Camila's joke. She slowly entwines their hands, which seemed okay with Shawn. Shawn knew he should have stopped anything that seemed too friendly, but he didn't think it would be a problem.  The party lasted for hours until the fireworks at the end of the night. Shawn spent his time with Camila, having the time of his life. He missed having fun because of all the stress of trying to get the new song out.  Something was missing, but he did not think long about it. He would drink more than he probably should have, but it was a night where he could relax. Drink after drink made him feel loose and want to have more fun.  The next thing he could recall was a pair of lips touching his. 

"Fuck," he cursed out, not caring if he woke her up. He could not believe the mistake he made and the consequences. He picked up his phone to see the many unanswered calls and text that were from (Y/N). 

He glances at Camila to see she is starting to wake up to the horror of Shawn. She smiles at him, brings the covers up as she sits up. "Hey," he said lamely, not knowing what to say in this awkward moment. 

---

You arrived at the flat, needing some time to sleep, despite taking a nap on the plane. Everything that happened would change your perspective on relationships and love. Inspiration struck you, grabbing your songbook, sitting down on the bed, you write your feelings. You write everything down, needing to express yourself, or else go crazy keeping; everything bottled up. 

Knock. Knock.

Startled at the sudden noise, you raise your head in alert, on guard when walking towards the door. Looking through the peek hole, you smile at the sight of your friend, Dylan, leading you to open the door. 

Dylan stood there with a dopey smile, arms holding box of pizza and other containers while carrying bags of groceries, waiting to be let in. " I thought we should have our tradition of eating junk food and watching movies till we pass out," he said, hopeful, giving his best puppy dog eyes. 

You think about it, not knowing if it would be a good idea or not since you are dealing with a breakup. "Sure, that would be lovely," you decided, thinking it would be a good idea to get your mind off. Moving aside, you let Dylan enter before shutting the door behind him. 

The two of you move to the furnished living room, setting the stuff on the coffee table. You go to the kitchen, grabbing plates and things for the food, knowing Dylan is already putting on a movie. "So, I think we could watch Beautiful Boy," Dylan told you, smiling as he continues," since you are in it."

Settling on the couch, piling food on your plate, you glance at him, raising an eyebrow. "Is that all? It would not have to do with my co-stars?" You asked, knowing he is a fan of the office (I don't know if it is true). Dylan looks at you sheepishly, not bothering to deny it, already knowing it would be foolish. 

"Come on, let us watch it," Dylan said, stuffing his face, while the movie begins, making you laugh. Your attention focused on Timothée Chalamet through the film, and how a great actor he is. You could feel the pain and desperation of Nick, who moved your heart. You regretted not spending more time with Chalamet and yearned for working with him once again. There was something about him that draws you in, and that is interesting to you. 

---

Tense. Shawn felt tense on his way to the flat, after looking through his phone at the messages. There was something that made him feel worried about what he was about to walk in; nonetheless, he opens the door. He surveyed how dark the flat looks, which brought terror to Shawn at the idea of (Y/N) leaving without telling him. 

Shawn strides towards the bedroom; however, he stops when something shiny catches his attention on the counter. His hands grasp the ring as he immediately moves to the couch, his other hand holds the note. Shawn could only stare at the band, his fears becoming a reality when he opens the paper, reading it over and over again. 

'I messed up. I should have responded sooner. I should not have cheated on (Y/n), despite not being in control fully. ' Shawn thinks, tears sliding down his faces, not knowing what to do. One part of him wanted to lay down while the other wanted to go out and search for his love. He should have told her about what was going on. The plan consisted of Shawn having to be with Camila because of their new song until the heat died down. 

Shawn stared at his phone, gloomy when he noticed there were no new messages from (y/n). He went through their conversation, frowning at how happy they were until he ruined everything. 

~~~

In the middle of winter, Shawn took a break from tour, wanting to spend time with (Y/N). He planned to purpose to you and needed everything to go perfect. In the morning, Shawn woke up early to make your favorite breakfast before bringing it to you on a tray with a single (favorite flower) in a vase. 

"Darling, wake up," he coos, setting the tray his side of the bed. You start to rise from the bed, yawning as your eyes meet hazel eyes. Your stomach growls when your nose smells something delicious. "Mhm, that seems good," you reach for the tray after kissing Shawn. Shawn holds the plate, breathing a little shaky, which made you concerned. "Is there something wrong, Bub?"

"I, Shawn Peter Raul Mendes, never thought I would find my soulmate. I am almost always gone, but you stick by my side through it all. You offer your support whenever I need it, and I am grateful to have you. I love you (Y/N), and I want you in my life. Your laugh makes me happy just by hearing it because it sounds magical. You are outstanding, and I love your acting. I still can't believe I am with the brilliant, (Y/n) (l/n), who started acting when she was ten. Your heart amazes me when I see you lend a hand to help people in need without a complaint. You bring awareness to issues in the world, which is brave to speak up, despite what some people may think. I love you and how you comfort me when I am stress because of the concert or if I am having a bad day. You will drop everything for anyone to come over to help no matter the time, which gets you in trouble with your manager or the directors. You are a perfect goddess, and I am lucky you are in my life. I love your height and vision us taking turns spooning each other as we cuddle in bed. You are the ones that I want to see every morning and every night. I want to spend every day treating you like the queen you are and hope that I will be your king one day. I want to love you for eternity, and am willing to give up everything for you. I don't need money or fame. Not even the fans and I do love each of them and how they supported me. I need you (Y/N)," Shawn confesses, grabbing a small jersey box from his pocket, raising it for you to see, slowly opening the box. 

"I promise to never hurt you," Shawn vowed, as the box is open," will you marry me (Y/n)?"  Your face was streaming with tears at his speech, not needing anytime to think. "Yes," you said, lifting your hand for him to place the ring. He does. The two of you share a passionate kiss, wanting to celebrate the event.  However, the moment was interrupted when your stomach starts growling, which makes you blush. "Sorry," you apologized, grabbing the food to start eating, while Shawn chuckles and watches. 

---

"You broke your promise," you said out loud. 

"What?" Dylan asked, wanting to know what is the matter. 

Tag list 

(Need to let me know if you want to be tagged.)

@hxneybee-uwu

@shawn-youth

@sspidermanss

@turtoix

[alightwhendarknessfell]

Dear Andy,

I have debated posting this for a while, mostly because I wanted to get it right. With the WSTW re-record release approaching and things coming to light about the actions of a former member I feel that now is as good a time as ever. I don’t know if you’ll read this, but it is something that over the past year I have wanted to do. I have been unfair and overcritical and at times, downright mean. I was judging you and your actions based on my own interpretations. The events of the past few weeks have shown me that those interpretations were wrong. So here it goes…

I have been a fan of not only Black Veil, but of you going back to 2008-2009, when everything was still on Myspace. I vividly remember eagerly awaiting the release of WSTW and making my mom drive me to the local Hot Topic to pick it up the day it came out. I remember going to my first show in a small little bar in Raleigh, NC that sadly is no more, and I remember being dressed in war paint along with my best friends. I know that it may not seem like it, but I to this day consider myself a fan. The band that you created was pivotal for my teenage years and to this day the community you helped build means the world to me.

I will admit that it was my passion and love for that community that was the root of my criticism. Despite what you or others reading this may think, I do not hate you, not at all. There have been times that I felt let down, cheated, and disappointed as a fan, but the events of the past few weeks have really opened my eyes. I will get that to that point, but I did not and do not hate you. As a person I speak up, at times when I probably shouldn’t, but I do when I feel strongly about something. I have certainly made the mistake too many times of speaking before I had all the information or trusting my own judgement on things, I knew nothing about. I am trying to get better at not doing that.

I can see how some of the things I have said, condoned, or even given a platform to were mean, uncalled for, hurtful, and regrettably untrue at times. I have had this blog and been in this fandom for over a decade. I was 13-14 years old when I first made this blog, and I am almost 25 now. I look back on some of the things I said, and I deeply regret them. In 2015 this blog was accidentally deleted, and honestly it was probably for the best that some of my earlier posts are gone. Regardless, I have let myself get carried away or swept up in drama perpetuated by others (and sometimes myself). I have said things, even in the past few years that I shouldn’t have, things that could be hurtful. While my intention was never to hurt you, I think it’s safe to say that myself and others lose sight of the impact of our words when they are said behind a screen, to people we think will never read them. As a teenager or even in my early 20’s I didn’t think that someone ‘famous’ would see what I wrote, surely it would all get lost in the sea of tweets, posts and comments.

That does not make saying those things right.

I would like to personally apologize to you for not considering the fact that you might see some of those words. That you are a person with emotions just like everyone else, that could be hurt by them. I am sorry for letting others get away with saying cruel things, even if I pushed back on them or didn’t directly comment. I would be lying if I said that the fame (or infamy), status and notoriety I got for my words didn’t affect my actions. It’s sad, but true that often times more attention comes out of negativity than kindness.

As someone who has been bullied and suffers from mental illnesses, I should have left some things unsaid. I do not know you personally, I only know what you have shared. Seeing you speak about your own struggles with mental illness over the recent years has really given me a much-needed reality check. I have related to some of the things you’ve talked about more than you know. Some of the things that others and I have been critical of were clearly not the result of malicious intent but of your own hardships that we were blind to. 

I think people forget, and I know I did, that when this band took off you were just a teenager yourself. To think that at 18 or 19 someone in your situation would act ‘right’ all of the time and never make mistakes is ridiculous. Not only were you a kid trying to figure the world out, but I think it has become clear that you were dealing with people who used you for their own selfish gains. That would be hard for anyone, regardless of their age. 

I have never dealt with addiction on a personal level, but I emphasize with whatever pain you had to endure in your own struggles with it. You are right when you said that no one sees themselves becoming an alcoholic at twenty years old, and I am sorry for not being more sympatric in the past. One of my biggest regrets in all of this was hearing that during the time that I was probably the harshest to you (around 2016) was when you were struggling the most with trying to be sober. 

I am happy that you are sober, I am glad that you were able to make it out of that cycle that consumes so many people. I hope that others who are struggling are inspired by your dedication to living a healthier life. In an industry where it is too easy to fall back into toxic behaviors and coping mechanisms, I am glad you have found strength.  

I would like to speak on why I have been so negative in the past (and at times hateful). As I said, what you created in Black Veil meant a lot to me and so many others. This band has been a part of my life for so long and I have met some of the most amazing people through it. I have met people that I can honestly say I love because of this community. This fan base gave me a home when I felt alone and gave me something to identify with as a kid. That’s why I started cosplaying as you, sure it’s a hobby of mine and aesthetically I am a fan of 80’s glam metal, but it was mostly to pay tribute. I am not a ‘traditional’ artist in the sense of paintings and drawings, my media is makeup and costume. The WSTW/STWOF era is what I consider my era as a fan, the one that I identified with the most. 

I admit, I was upset when it ended. That’s a stupid reason to be upset, obviously all bands change and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s how I felt. The source of my jadedness was not the adoption of a new look, it was deeper than that. Around 2016 was when I had the most animosity because I saw what I thought at the time was you ‘giving up’ on Black Veil. I felt like the ‘old’ fans weren’t wanted anymore and like most people, I felt the need to protect and defend what I loved.

With the introduction of your solo act, it felt like the community I cared so much about was being destroyed and I couldn’t understand why you were doing that. I was blinded by my own judgements. What came off as hate was really just hurt. I know I am not the only ‘OG’ fan who felt that way, and I took that to mean I was justified. In hindsight it is clear, none of us had any idea what was really going on with the band and certain individuals who were bringing it down. At various times it seemed like you hated the old era and as a fan who stood there from the beginning that felt like a gut punch.  I let my own feelings make me bitter, and that was wrong. I let others fuel that bitterness, including ones who were actively stabbing you in the back. 

I remember around 2012 I made a very critical post of an article you did in Kerrang talking about your struggles with alcohol. I criticized you for not saying more and even said that what you shared was nothing in comparison to a former member’s struggles with addiction. When I received this DM from that individual saying that they approved of my words and that I was ‘spot on’ I felt embolden. I deeply, deeply regret letting such a toxic and horrible person influence me. That post I wrote was wrong, ignorant and immature. That post was one that got deleted in 2015, but I still regret having written something so heartless. 

(screen shot is from 2012, this was a Twitter DM from said individual. I did not share that post with them, they found it on their own and contacted me. ) 

I see now that you were not turning your back on Black Veil, you were trying to save it. The interview you did with Ryan Downey brought me to tears. I cannot imagine what it feels like to have something you spent your whole life fighting for be taken over by an abusive, evil, and selfish person. I feel like I have gained a better perspective of where you and the band were at over the past three weeks and I am sorry you are not free to say more. I am sorry for defending this person because they did not deserve a single fan.

Some who takes advantage of another’s passion and youth because they lack the creativity and ability to do it on their own is stealing, plain and simple. I am sorry that you have been tethered to such a horrible person for so long. I deeply admire your perseverance, strength and determination in taking back what that person tried to take. To be willing to destroy something you love and care about to keep it from the hands of evil is an incredible act of dedication to it. 

I would like to end this with a few more things. I know I have been critical of people that you love. I do admit I have taken those criticisms too far at times where they crossed into bullying. I am sorry to Juliet for being unfairly harsh, I am not a hateful person, but I have allowed myself to act that way. There are certainly things that I have said that I stand by, and there are things that I may not agree with or understand, but I think there are ways that I can voice my own opinions respectfully, without being mean. 

In an ideal world I would love to sit down with you, or anyone else I may have hurt and have a discussion about it, but hopefully this gets my point across well enough. I do not intend to delete my blog or stop accepting posts (although I will try and make an effort to get rid of toxic posts. It will just take a while to sort through them all). While I can’t promise to never say anything critical again, I can promise to stop the hatefulness. I am promising to make a real effort to clean up some of the toxicity towards you that is unfair and unwarranted. To facilitate a more respectful, yet still honest and open dialogue. I do take pride in my blog being one of the last places of discussion and community for fans, but perhaps without the cruelty that been allowed to fester. If you are someone reading this who comes here to be mean and hateful, I’m sorry but it has to stop. This was never intended to be a ‘hate blog’, but I will openly admit I understand why people thought it was.  

If you take anything away from this, or if you even read this, please let it be this. I consider myself a supporter of you and what you have created. I want nothing more than to see you succeed and be happy. I hope that you are able to overcome the struggles in your life and that you are able to find meaning and true happiness if you have not already. Although it may not appear so, I have always routed for you. It may seem like nothing you do is ever good enough for the fans (or at least some of them) but for me at least that is not true. You have been given an impossible task of trying to please thousands of people, of never being allowed to fuck up, and having past transgressions brought up again and again. For that I am sorry, and I am sorry for having played a part in that. 

You deserve to be treated as a person, not as an object or persona. I whole heartedly believe you are a decent person, who maybe has flaws and room for improvement, but so do I and so does everyone else. I do believe there are fundamentally bad people out there, people who deserve the karma they have coming. Those are the people that purposefully hurt, lie, manipulate, cheat and deceive others for personal gain. I think especially in the past few weeks we have been shown who those people are. Yet, I don’t believe you are one of those people. 

To everyone out there who is reading this, please give people the chance to change. Be okay with admitting when you are wrong. Allow people to grow and become better. Over the past year my mentality and perspective on the world has shifted dramatically. Two years ago I couldn’t have written this post, but as I enter my mid-twenties I am able to look back and say ‘this is not the person I want to be, this is not the person I want people to think I am’. So all I can do is admit my shortcomings, apologize, and be better. 

Andy, if you read this and made it to the end, thank you. You are in no way obligated to respond to or accept any of what I said. I just wanted to put this out there with the hopes that it in some way, or that some part of this, lessened some of the hurt I regrettably have caused. 

- Ren <3 

P.S the banner of my blog is not calling you or the band trash. It’s a fan term for when someone is really into something. Saying “I am ______ trash” means you love that thing. I know it’s weird, but it’s supposed to be an inside joke for other fans, it’s a positive thing. So, when I say “I am 100% 2010 Black Veil trash” I am talking about myself being a massive fan of that era. I don’t think you or the band is trashy, if I did, I wouldn’t be spending money on tickets, merch and shoving blue contacts into my eyes for 10+ years. 

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 2

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: 1- haha syke (sort of lol)! 2-thats why i asked this question, now you know!

yes, thats the only notes you need lol! oh and FEEDBACK PLEASE! :) please tell me how you think their coffee “date” will go?? would mean a lot!

Chapter 2 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

"Honey! I'm home!" I yelled as I walked inside, closing the door behind me and throwing my purse on the couch.

"Kitchen, babe!"

I followed the voice with a small smile and leaned against the door frame as I watched him bend down to take something off the oven. I crossed my arms and stared at him, trying to suppress a chuckle. With a quick head movement, he pushed a lock of his hair out of his face and raised his eyebrows at me with a smirk. I moved closer to him, taking a few steps slowly as he put the cookies he had just not burned for once in a plate.

"You know your son is way too young for cookies, right?"

His eyes became smaller as he looked at me and it made me laugh even more.

"I made them for you, silly!"

"Louis, come on." I pointed out with a frown. "I just spent two hours tasting wedding cakes and you think i'm in the mood for cookies?"

With a grimace, he grabbed two cookies and put one in front of me before sitting next to me at the table. I made the cookie turn around as I stared at it, feeling suddenly a bit nervous. I wasn't really sure I wanted to have this discussion but I told Louis everything. I was surely not going to keep that kind of information from him.

"Okay my queen, talk to me, what happened?"

He slid his arm on the table until his hand reached mine. I let go of the cookie and gripped his fingers tight. His hand was warm, as it always was, but it took me a few seconds to look up in his eyes. When I did, my heart skipped a beat. He was clearly concerned and worried and I just shrugged a shoulder before looking down again.

"I saw Niall."

Suddenly, the grip of his fingers became tighter and I held my breath. Louis and I had been through so much together during the past year and I was scared this would somehow change the dynamic we had. I knew he kept talking with Niall from time to time but it was far from being the way it used to be between them. I never asked Louis to choose between us, and I never even made allusions to it for the simple reason that they were friends before we were and I knew he still considered Niall like a brother. Who was I anyway to decide who Louis could and couldn't hang out with?

That being said, Louis and I had worked on ourselves individually a lot. We both went to therapy, tried to follow our dreams, found love and learned to accept ourselves as full human beings. We didn't need love to be complete and we didn't need our soulmates either. Of course, it didn't feel so easy when Niall was close but if I wanted to be honest, I thought it would hurt a lot more to see him again.

"He was with his girlfriend?"

"No." I replied with a shrug before adding a 'thank god' in my head.

"How did that make you feel?"

I took a few seconds to think and finally looked up, my eyes meeting his as a small smile spread across my lips.

"It's... Niall, you know? I'll always feel something when he's around. That's what you said, right? Soulmates and all that?" He nodded slowly and I shrugged a shoulder. "I mean, I will love him forever but... he broke me, and I don't want to let him break me again."

Louis' face change and he sent me a sincere smile before nodding quickly this time. He squeezed my fingers and tapped my thigh a few times a bit too roughly.

"Ow!"

"That's my queen!"

He got up and kissed the top of my head, making me roll my eyes but chuckle. He walked to the fridge and took a beer out before opening it and throwing the cap in the sink. I stared again at the cookie on the table and swallowed, playing over and over the encounter I had with Niall in my head. He looked good and happy and I couldn't help but think that he never regretted his decision to break up with me. Of course, it took him a few months to get a new girlfriend but when he did, something inside of me died. I remembered exactly when I found out he was dating someone and it was probably the biggest slap in the face I had ever had. I cried for a week, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. All I could think about was how his love for me, if it ever existed, was clearly not strong enough but even worse, he didn't even try to keep my friendship.

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?"

I sighed and closed my eyes for a few seconds as I tried to get my heartbeats back to a normal pace. I couldn't hide anything to Louis, even if I wanted.

"Not so much him but what I meant for him."

Louis walked back next to me and crouched down, one of his knees on the floor and his hand on my thigh. He waited until our eyes met and he raised his eyebrows.

"We've been through that, remember?" Louis pointed out in a soft tone. "He was scared to be trapped and he let go of the most important person in his life. You were not the problem, Liv."

"He's with someone now." I just said, shaking me head, after letting out a long sigh. "And with her too I mean, he replaced me with her."

Louis nodded very slowly, pressing his lips together and making the left corner of my lips raise up.

"Yes, besides you, my friend Neil has very bad tastes in women."

It was not true at all but I appreciated the lie and I tilted my head to stare at Louis. I had moved back to my apartment after Niall broke up with me and Louis was the one who had picked my stuff at Niall's for me. We hung out together and he's the one who pushed me to write what I wanted to write. My father agreed to make a special section for my story on his site and within a few hours, there were more views than any other page of the site. I found someone to play the male character and I gave myself the role of the female one until I got the e-mail that literally changed my life.

Netflix. I barely believed it and I had to read the e-mail twice but it turned out to be real and after some negotiation, my tv show was about to be re-made with a bigger budget and real actors and this time, it was going to be seen by way more people. I didn't have to insist to keep playing in it, they quickly agreed to that term of the contract and it surprised me. Apparently, I was not so bad of an actress, who would have known? That's why I moved to L.A. with Louis : to live a dream I wasn't even aware I had before, when I was dating Niall. There are so many things I didn't know when I was with him, including who I was. Now, it was different.

"So." Louis continued, getting up to grab his beer again. "Did you girls go with Liam's request and pick chocolate?"

I raised my eyebrows in amusement and my lips parted a bit as we stared at each other.

"How do you know that?"

Louis' smile turned into a smirk. "He asked me and I said I wanted chocolate too! So I said he should harass Julie and he said I should harass you. So I had to challenge him, and he lost."

My face twisted and I frowned, suddenly a bit scared.

"What was the challenge?"

"Oh, darling, you don't want to know." his accent had turned thicker and his smirk bigger, making me shake my head. "Trust me."

"You're right, I don't want to know."

He laughed a bit and moved his chin in my direction as he leaned against the counter, his beer still in hand. He took the last sip and put it away before swallowing and licking his lips. I loved Louis. I really, really loved Louis.

"So? Chocolate?"

I grimaced and sent him an offended look as I shook my head again.

"It's like you don't even know me!"

"What did you pick then?"

I didn't have time to answer. My lips just parted a bit before we both heard the doorbell. I jumped on my feet and we both rushed to the living room to reach the front door.

"Me!" I yelled as I tried to be faster than him.

"Oh please, it's clearly for me!"

I laughed as he pushed my hips with his and even more when both our hands ended up on the knob, twisting it at the same time without opening the door. We laughed and when the door finally opened wide, my smile grew.

"So, who won this time?"

I forgot the game I had with Louis and barely even heard my boyfriend's question. I just tilted my head and bit my bottom lip. He looked pretty and the way he smiled always got to me. Louis let him walk in and he just opened his arms, bending down slightly to wrap them around my waist and pull me up. I laughed like a school girl and looked down at him, bringing my lips against his.

"Clearly, I won." I whispered only for him to hear, licking my lips before kissing him again.

He chuckled against my mouth and finally put me down but I kept him close and deepened the kiss. The fact that we were still acting like new lovers was nice and I hoped it would never stop.

After moving here, we were about to cast auditions for the other characters but I was mostly nervous about the male lead since I was going to do most scenes with him and even kiss him. I was allowed to have a say in who they would pick but before we could even start the auditions, I received a message on twitter. My account was not private anymore and was even verified, which was something I never thought would ever be possible. I was not the kind of person who liked attention but it was still important for me to remain on social medias, even if I wasn't online as much as other people.

Most of the messages I was tagged in were about Niall and I couldn't blame his fans who asked about me but it was surprising to see it even after so long. At first, the tweets about some of them being 'devastated' by our break-ups made me cry but now I just felt nostalgic of what I once had with him. One time, though, I got a notification that I was tagged in a post and when I clicked on it, I choked on my coffee. Dylan O'Brien. Dylan fucking O'Brien had tagged me and had added 'would love to play in your show!'

After a few days of chatting online, we had finally decided to talk on the phone and I realized he was the funniest and sweetest guy in the world. It's only really the very first time I met him that I realized I had it bad, though. He came to the audition but in my head, the part was already his, and when our eyes met, I felt it inside of me. It could have been just me being starstruck but when he had smiled at me, my heart had fluttered in a way it hadn't since... since Niall.

"You two get a fuckin' room." Louis let out, but I could hear amusement in his voice.

I turned to him and he sent me a smirk just as I showed him my middle finger.

"I live here too, remember?" I asked jokingly.

The plan when we moved here was to buy a house together, support each other and spend as much time as we could with each other. Did Louis and I ever had sex after that infamous night? Maybe, but quickly, we had both stopped needing it. Not because we weren't in pain anymore, but because we had other distractions and other things to focus on. I hadn't received my first check yet but it was coming and I knew it. I couldn't wait to give some of my money to Louis for the house but only as a rent. He was keeping the house to live in it with his girlfriend while I had planned to move with Dylan very soon. Everything was falling into place, and just as I thought my life was exactly the way it was supposed to be, I saw Niall again.

"Yea well you two lovebirds will have the house for yourself tonight." Louis explained, grabbing his wallet from the coffee table and looking for his keys. "I'll be gone all night."

"Say hello to Eleanor for me!"

Louis sent me a smirk and a wink before walking up to us and bending down to kiss my cheek.

"Will do." he promised in a low tone. "Goodnight queen."

A few months earlier, I had heard Louis cry himself to sleep at night. It was not something unusual, I knew it happened from time to time since his mother had passed away, but I remember leaning against the wall of his room for half an hour, listening to him cry and crying with him. If he had wanted me to be there with him, he would have asked, I knew it, that's why I didn't knock or tried to talk to him, but at the same time, it was hard to handle, and I couldn't pretend I knew him as much as Eleanor did. He was also crying for her, I was well aware of that, and on that night, I had messaged her. I didn't have to beg her to come over, she just did. She literally took a fucking plane to come here and comfort him. If that's not love then I have no idea what is.

"Goodnight, pet."

Louis raised his eyebrows and pointed his finger at me. "Don't call me that, ever, remember?"

I just shrugged and laughed, feeling Dylan's hand grab my fingers gently as he chuckled too. He suddenly turned to me and raised his eyebrows.

"Oh hey, you were trying out wedding cakes today, how did it go?"

"She didn't pick chocolate mate, don't even bother." Louis grimaced, making Dylan smile more.

"Of course she didn't, i'd say..." he turned to me and his eyes got smaller as he pondered. "She hesitated and almost picked raspberry but ended up choosing.. strawberry and cream."

My lips curled and I shook my head. "How do you know me so well?"

"O'Brien, I hate you." Louis just said, slapping gently my boyfriend's chest. "Thanks for making sound like a loser."

"You're welcome!" Dylan joked as I rolled my eyes at their interaction.

I waited as Louis typed something on his phone and he finally looked up at us and smiled before leaving. As soon as the door closed behind him, I received a text message and walked up to my purse to look at it.

'Tell him!!!!' Louis had typed with clearly too many exclamation points.

I just sent him a thumb up and when I went back, I felt my lips curl very slightly at the sight of the emoji Niall sent me. It was good seeing him, it felt amazing to be near him. It was so hard to realize that my best friend was not my best friend anymore, and although I knew that life is just like that sometimes, it still hurt. This year away from each other was needed, at least for me, to find myself, but I always thought Niall would remain in my life forever.

"So strawberries and cream uhm?" Dylan said to catch my attention. "I can live with that."

I threw my phone on the couch and sighed with a smile, turning his way. I grabbed the front of his shirt and finally looked up in his eyes, licking my lips as his hands reached my waist.

"Can you live with me?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and making him chuckle low.

"Damn right I can."

He pulled me closer and kissed me, making my heart skip a beat. I had never compared Dylan to Niall but at that exact moment, I couldn't help myself. They were both smart, kind and funny, the main difference being that Dylan hadn't shattered my heart in pieces, at least not yet. The way they kissed was different too. Niall kissed me passionately, impatiently and deeply. Dylan kissed me gently, like I was something fragile, something important he didn't want to break, or simply because he wanted to take his time and feel every second of it. He kissed me like every kiss actually meant way more than we both thought.

I felt him deepen the kiss and my heart jumped again. I couldn't do anything with him before telling him about my day, and all I could see behind my eyelids was Louis' text message.

"Mm, I have something to tell you." I whispered against his lip, making him pull away immediately.

He stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes roaming on my face, and I suddenly felt extremely nervous. He was never the jealous type but I don't think anyone could enjoy their lover meeting again with their ex, especially knowing Niall and I's history.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"Nothing's wrong, no, don't worry." It wasn't a lie. I sent him a small smile and shrugged. "I just wanted you to know that... I saw Niall, today."

His eyebrows raised slightly but fell back down half a second later. He stared down at me, mostly trying to decipher how i felt about it instead to react to it, and it made something in my heart stir. He was perfect and I loved him, I really did.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked  gently after about a minute of silence. "How did it go?"

"It went... well." I admitted, nodding slowly and glancing down before looking up in his eyes. "He asked if we could meet again for a coffee but I didn't message him yet. I'm just not sure if I should go."

Dylan's lips curled slightly just as his eyebrows raised. "Not because of me, yea?"

I shrugged both shoulders, feeling suddenly embarrassed. One of the reasons why I was not sure was him, but an other part of me, a part I didn't want to show, was simply scared. I was scared that things wouldn't be like they used to be, I was scared that we wouldn't really get along, I was scared that the old me would resurface and I was scared... I was scared of the feelings I could have again if I spent time with him.

"You can go see him, Liv." he let out softly, bringing one of his hands to my face to caress my cheek with his fingertips. "Not that you were waiting for my approval or that you need it but, I know there's so many things you want to tell him and ask him and... it's normal. I can't even begin to understand the relationship you two had, all I know is... it was intense. There's some part of you that will always love him and I'm fine with that. Just... go. And you'll see."

Slowly, my lips curled as I stared at him. I brought my hand to his hair and slipped my fingers in it before sighing. I felt suddenly lighter and I was not sure why. Perhaps knowing that my boyfriend was fine with it helped.

I mouthed a 'thank you' and he smiled more, shaking his head.

"There's no reason to thank me." he just said, pulling me closer and kissing my lips. "I love you, Olivia."

I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes, inhaling him before squeezing him tighter against me. It felt good and I felt safe but I finally pulled away and smiled.

"Okay so food and a movie?" he proposed, raising his eyebrows before I grimaced.

"Oh I wish, I mean food, but i'm gonna have to eat in front of my computer." I explained with a sigh, letting my head fall lightly on my shoulders. "I need to write and my mind is lazy these days."

"Why don't you inspire yourself of what we're going through right now?"

I stared at him and raised my eyebrows at the idea before Dylan just chuckled and winked at me. I knew that to write something good, it had to be close to something I was living, but playing it on screen was about to be a challenge if I did that.

"I'll make food you just... work."

I thanked him and grabbed my phone before sitting in front of my computer. I started typing a few ideas here and there but the truth was, I couldn't stop thinking about Niall. Dylan was right, there were many things I wanted to tell him, many things I wanted to ask. but at the same time, I was well aware that I wouldn't be able to let it out all at the same time. I also knew we had to be in a public place, if only to be sure I wouldn't end up yelling or in tears.

'Coffee tomorrow afternoon, are you free? 🤪’

I didn't want to let Niall make me emotional the way I used to be when we were dating, or even before. He always had so much power over me and I didn't want him to anymore. I didn't want anyone to have to much power over me.

'Always free for you 🥰’

The emoji he picked made my lips curl and I quickly texted him a time and place before putting my phone away. I stared at my work on the screen and sighed to myself. I didn't really want to add Niall to my story, I was too scared of how realistic it would become, since my real boyfriend was already playing my on-screen boyfriend, and I decided to push this idea away.

Dylan came back with a plate of pastas and it made me wonder how long I had spent in front of an almost empty document. He sat to face me and my eyes moved up to him.

"I'm stuck."

"Did you message Niall? Are you gonna see him soon?"

I felt my heart skip a beat at his question but he kept staring at me as he brought the fork to his mouth. The fact that it was super casual for him made me squirm a bit on my seat. Was that a good or a bad thing?

"Yea, tomorrow afternoon."

"Good." he nodded, pushing the plate my way. I sent him a smile and started eating too. "Maybe it'll inspire you."

His eyebrows raised and he chuckled when some sauce landed on my shirt and I quickly tried to wipe it off, making him laugh even more.

"Guess you're gonna have to take it off." he just pointed out.

I looked up at him only to see a smirk gracing his face and I chuckled too, tilting my head. I pushed my plate away and leaned closer to him, sending him an amused smile and keeping my voice low.

"Maybe you should take it off yourself."

[lightwoodsmagic]

Hi! So I agree Liam is queer, and the pink🔺in his video compels me not to ignore it. I saw one of your Ziam posts making its rounds after the SIU video, so I thought you were the person to ask. I only joined the fandom after Zayn left, and I’ve always had a hard time finding info on why and how that played out at the time (nobody seems to agree). Could you elaborate (or link to previous posts) on why you think Ziam is still a thing, and how they are telling us? Thanks for your insight so far!

 Hi anon! 

Thank you so much for thinking of me! I’m sorry it’s taken me a little while to answer, but it took me a bit to gather all the info I wanted (while I should’ve been working oop).

Okay, please know that this post is gonna be loooooong, so I’ve popped it under the cut.

You’re right about nobody agreeing on Zayn leaving the band, and it makes sense that people have differing views. It’s such a complicated thing; there was a lot happening at the time. 

I’m going to start by saying there’s a brilliant masterpost about Zayn leaving here. It’s incredibly detailed, talks about pretty much every aspect of it, and there’s so much to look into. It’s also wonderful to demonstrate how much the boys and Zayn still hinted at things and loved each other, like Harry using Zayn’s mic one night, Liam talking about him fondly in interviews, Niall still calling him by his nickname, and Louis wearing his clothes.

It’s a long read, but incredibly worth it, as it this stunting timeline.

Everyone is absolutely entitled to their opinion, so I’ll just give you mine. I’m gonna keep it (kind of) short though. A lot of what I’m about to say can be found in the masterposts I’ve linked above.

I believe that Zayn leaving was out of his control, and was never completely his decision. I believe that he was set to return, but for some reason, the plan changed. Mind of Mine was apparently written before he left, and while I think he would’ve been working on solo music before he left (and that all of them were to some extent), to tease an album right after the announcement that he left makes no sense. A contract like the one that 1D had/has with Syco would cost an obscene amount of money to get out of, and Zayn’s net worth didn’t change at all. They made it seem so simple in the very few interviews with Zayn afterwards, saying he just called his security, got on a plane, and left. I think Zayn struggled a lot with everything, they all did, but I don’t think he could’ve just left. There were articles put out about his new album that mentioned Simco and everything, but when people pointed out that it didn’t make sense with the narrative that Simon felt ‘betrayed’, the references were removed straight away. 

There’s also a very solid theory that MoM was counted as One Direction’s sixth and final contracted album, and it really stands up. Check it out! 

Look. There’s a lot to unpack with the whole situation, and I’ve hardly touched on it at all, but I really do encourage you to look into it with everything I’ve linked above  💞

Okay, now onto the second part of your ask! 

Ziam. My loooovveesss.  

I’m going to start by saying that there’s a lot of ways that Liam and Zayn have hinted that they’re still together, and honestly? The boys ain’t even subtle about it. I’ll start by talking about heaps of ways they’ve done that since Zayn left!

Alright, let’s start with the fact that they WILL NOT STOP LIKING, REBLOGGING, AND RETWEETING POSTS FROM ZIAM ACCOUNTS. 

(x) (x)

These aren’t subtle Ziam accounts, and it’s not just these examples. This also isn’t just something in the past; that bottom right one references Stack It Up.

They’ve also both reposted fanart from a well known Ziam where each drawing referenced the other one. 

(x)

The Zayn art says ‘Love Payne’ on the beanie. Well then. 

And the Liam one? That he posted on his personal insta? The artist added the ‘love’ tattoo from Zayn’s hand onto Liam’s. It’s obvious, and it’s not like Liam wouldn’t have noticed that suddenly there was a new tattoo added ON HIS OWN HAND. 

Not very subtle, hey.

It’s also not the only shady social media activity related to the boys  👀

There was the time that Liam explained why he’d written ‘personally’ twice in a thank you post in his insta story to Bvlgari. 

But he hadn’t. What had happened was that Twitter account @TheZiamNews had made a small mistake, and had actually written it twice. The only explanation was that Liam saw it on a Ziam update page VERY quickly, thought he had made the original mistake, and then explained. Interesting that Liam keeps up to date with them. 

There was also the time Liam blocked an account for talking absolute shit about Zayn, or when Herbie Critchlow (a producer from Icarus Falls) retweeted a tweet about Common being about Ziam. Also can’t forget Brandon Colbein posting on insta about some songs he’d written, and somehow there was one for Zayn and one for Liam. 

Oh, and when Liam’s friend Andy (who seems to…split the fandom, but alas) posted a video of him listening to Icarus Falls, or every single mirroring insta post Liam and Zayn can’t seem to help making.

And their eyebrow slits! 😊 this goes allllll the way back to One Direction days.

(x)

Now, this is a constant, recurring thing for them over the years.

It’s usually at the same time, and it usually signifies something. 

Zayn went ALL OUT one day, just after Z*gi ‘broke up’, and put a slit in his eyebrow, but it wasn’t a normal one. It was in the shape of an L. That fucking sap. Not to be outdone though, Liam popped a lil’ Z in the graphics for his show last year in Japan. 

SAPS, THE BOTH OF THEM.

Now, jewellery. 

OOOOOF are we in for it now. You’re probably regretting this ask already. 

Cartier. 

Say that single word around someone who believes in Ziam and you’ve lost them forever. 

Back in 2015 (so yes, a while ago but bear with me) during the OTRA tour, Zayn suddenly started wearing a gold Cartier bracelet. It was interesting because Zayn didn’t wear bracelets at the time. It was particularly interesting because Liam had been seen earlier that day with jewellery bags buying a present. Curious.

Or obvious. 

Either or. 

A similar thing happened when Zayn attended the ‘Straight Outta Compton’ premiere, one of his first appearances after he left the band. He was wearing a Hublot watch, which was also interesting because Zayn didn’t wear watches either. 

But GUESS WHERE LIAM HAD BEEN 2 DAYS BEFORE THE PREMIERE?

You’re damn right, anon. It was Hublot.

Now, the Cartier love bracelet. 

This picture was posted when Liam was getting ready for the Brits in 2017. For those that don’t know, the Cartier love bracelet has little screws, and can only be undone with a little gold screwdriver that comes with it. 

Liam wore it everywhere that year, and so often. It didn’t make sense for it to be ‘given to him by Ch*ryl’, because they would’ve used every opportunity to show that damn screwdriver. 

But they didn’t, because she didn’t have it. Zayn did. 

There’s also the other matching bracelets they’ve worn by Alexander McQueen.

And also the other time Zayn wore Cartier in his film clip, or the fact that Zayn started wearing a ring on his right ring finger that was sold and marketed by Cartier AS A WEDDING RING. 

They also share watches if Zayn decides to wear one, because they’re cute like that.

Now, they also share clothes. 

So many clothes, ohmygod. 

(x)

A prime example of this actually happened just last year! TWICE! IN NYC WHEN LIAM WAS THERE (obviously to see his husband). Both times, Liam was out and about wearing two of Zayn’s jackets. 

It’s also absolutely not a coincidence that when Zayn was staying at G*gi’s apartment on Bond Street, Liam stayed at a hotel a few minutes away a number of times, but when Zayn moved to Soho, Liam suddenly switched hotels to one in Soho, a few minutes away from Zayn’s new place. Just can’t stay away from an old band mate you hardly talk to, hey. 

Also can’t ignore Liam wearing numerous Kooples shirts during the time Zayn was doing promotional stuff for them. Husbands givin’ gifts.

 NYC isn’t the only city that relates to Ziam though! 

Ahhhhhhhh. Ziami. What a time, what a time, what a time (for you and I).

Anyway. 

At the start of last year, Liam and Zayn were both in Miami at the same time filming music videos for Let Me and Familiar respectively, arriving either at the same time or a day apart. It was at a time when Zayn was all over his socials, posting poems and selfies and generally being his relaxed, gorgeous self, which wasn’t incredibly common for a while. 

People were convinced they could hear Zayn in one of Liam’s insta stories, talking in the background just before Liam realises and raises his voice. It’s definitely not firm though, and Liam has someone in his team with a similar accent, but I’ve linked it so you can judge for yourself! Regardless, we knew they were both there, but it was a fun lil’ talking point!

Anyway, according to people who live in the area and know the coastline, they were in the same area at the same time, and we also knew that Liam wasn’t with Ch*ryl because she was back in the UK. Now, Liam posted an Instagram story the next morning half naked in bed, his 4 tattoo (we’ll get to that) and roses on full display, and saying he’d wrecked his voice. 

Well then. 

He also posted this. 

It was a video, but it was Liam, in his room ‘alone’ with two desserts for breakfast at a time when we knew Zayn was there and no one else was, and he suddenly had no voice. 

Okay okay, we get it. 

They also consistently reference the number 25, and honestly, no one knows why the fuck.

Just casually on Liam’s jackets and shoes, Zayn’s shoes and a shirt that was sold (even the red and yellow, ffs Zayn), and also Zayn’s NECK, which he got in 2018. There was also chevrons on a collection for Zayn, just like Liam’s tattoos.

Speaking of tattoos Zayn got in 2018. 

That big, red wolf on his chest just up there?

One of the biggest Ziam things to ever happen. 

Red was Liam’s mic colour in 1D, everything they fucking do seems to be related to red, and Liam’s nickname is Wolfie because he’s from Wolverhampton. 

It’s a red wolf, directly on his chest, and it’s 100% for Liam. It’s not the only red wolf tattoo Zayn has; he also has one on his leg with feathers, just like Liam’s feather tattoo. 

The media often talk about the eyes Zayn has underneath that, and that they’re for G*gi, but the eyes underneath are so much lighter than the surrounding ink, the shape fits easily, and to me, it seems clear they’ve been done in a way that they can easily be inked over. It was designed for a cover up, and hopefully it’s coming. Zayn also has Liam’s name literally inked into his skin. 

They also have coordinating hand tattoos. The mandala on Zayn’s hand and the roses on Liam’s are explained brilliantly in this post. The two of these together mean ‘Symbol of Eternity’. Fucking hell. 

The three roses on Liam’s hand also translates to ‘I love you’. FUUUCCCKKKKKKK.

Liam also wore a ring for a while, until he was forced to take it off, but then he rebelled anyway, and got this.

It’s important because not only is it on his wedding finger, it’s also what he said about it, and when he got it. 

Now, not only is 4 as an angel number about changing the only things that you can in a situation, but Liam directly said that’s what it was. He can’t wear a wedding ring, so he did the next best thing. 

It also came when Liam and Ch*ryl became ‘official’, and when he’d already quashed marriage twice in an interview. Interesting choice, then. He also spoke of the 4 and a ring forming a halo, but still somehow shut down marriage talk? 

…….okay then. 

Some incredibly brilliant people pointed out that it also came just before Valentine’s Day.

And just before he started wearing the Cartier bracelet from earlier. 

There’s also the blatant references to a gorgeous, loving relationship throughout Icarus Falls, especially in Common and There You Are. There You Are was pushed as a Z*gi song, but people realised it was impossible when they found old pictures of the name of the song on his original plan for Mind of Mine, and realised it just hadn’t made that album. It doesn’t fit their timeline at all, but it does fit Ziam.

We don’t see Zayn very much at the moment, and I’m glad that he’s taking his time just doing what he’s doing! It does mean that we hardly see them interact or reference each other much, but I have absolutely no reason to believe they’ve broken up. The fact that they’re both still going through PR relationship bullshit, and the timing of Liam getting a ‘girlfriend’ right now instead of just rumours is very interesting to me, because Z*gi officially finished again not that long ago. When one is ‘single’, the other can’t be, it seems. 

This isn’t even everything, anon. They’re not subtle; Zayn just isn’t in the public eye as much. 

Everything they do screams love, devotion, and commitment to each other. 

And it’s fucking gorgeous.

[shmisolo]

I wanted to post the things I’ve made this year in one place.  I haven’t posted most of them over here—largely because I’m not tumblring a lot these days.  But I made a lot this year—both visual and written—that I’m proud of and wanted to share it out.  You can find this post also in tweet form here!

Happy 2020, Reylo friends!  It’s been a wild ride of a year, and mine couldn’t have been what it has been without you.

Visual

Alternate TROS Ending Gifset | World Between Worlds Graphic | Padmé quote gifset | Hadestown AU |  Alfa Gifset | ManDADlorian Video | Rey & Dark Rey Gifset 1 | Rey & Dark Rey Gifset 2 | Rey & Padmé Gifset | Rey Gifset 1 | Rey Gifset 2 | Rey Gifset 3 | Rey Gifset 4 | Rey Gif | Trailer Gifset 1| Trailer Gifset 2 | Trailer Gifset 3 | Kylo’s Karaoke Night Playlist | Graphic for lwaboc for @kylorenvevo | Graphic for Heart’s Flight | Graphic for YTCShepard | Gifs for Sugar, Honey, Honey for YTCShepard | Gifs for @sciosophia | Game of Thrones AU Graphic | Luke Gifset

Oneshots

Investiture for @misscoppelia

In which Ben goes to daven for his father’s yahrtzeit and manages to prove to himself once again that he is both a terrible person and a terrible Jew.

Oh and he sort of falls in love.

baby you can drive my car for @talltig

They call them “soulmates.” Probably because it leaves less of a sting in their mouths.

The Kitchen for flypaper_brain

Rey and Ben, hunting for their first house.

alone with a heart meant for you for @nuanceismyjam

Ben orders Grubhub; Rey's car breaks down.

myosotis for @rissanox

Ben picked the flowers for their wedding.

and beyond for @lilithsaur

“Please?”

For a moment, he thinks it will be like the first time, him begging, her crying and saying no and him not knowing how to protect his crushed heart.

But she doesn’t cry, she doesn’t say, “Please don’t go this way,” she doesn’t look horrified or disgusted. She just grabs him by the front of his shirt and tugs his lips down to hers before reaching down to cup his cock.

You, Me, and He for @rissanox, @persimonne, and @misscoppelia

When they say that Kylo's brain is in his groin, they're not far from the truth.

Alternatively,

In which Kylo Ren is his own penis.

Bliss, Balance and Birth for @selunchen​

Ben teaches their daughter to read.

💦💦💦💦

In which Ben accidentally implies that he gets his cardio from having sex on national television.

Favorites for @lilithsaur

In which Matt is preoccupied in getting Daisy the perfect token of his love on this, the two month anniversary of her agreeing to be his girlfriend.

A Trash Triplets AU.

Gotta Get Up, Gotta Get Out | Moodboard

“Listen asshole,” Rey says as she steps through the door of Poe’s deli. “You have exactly as long as it takes me to buy these cigarettes.”

Ben doesn’t waste a second breathing. “Metaphysically speaking, you and I are intrinsically and inexplicably linked,” he starts because there’s no time for beating around the bush and besides, Rey can sniff out a lie like no one else. “And I'm convinced our true purpose is to to connect with each other, if not help save each other's lives.” She’s opening her wallet and handing Poe a ten. “In another world, hopefully you are doing the same for me.”

The Other Thing for @persimonne

That’s what they don’t warn you about, he thinks idly. In his DesEd class, they’d warned him about knots, and heats, and ruts, and nesting. But they’d never warned him that her home would smell so much like her, like everything he’s ever wanted, that he would be unable to extricate himself.

“Can you make it a little more interesting in like...thirty minutes?” he asks her.

She pulls away and he immediately regrets saying a damn word.

“I could make that work,” she replies dryly. “I’ll pencil you in.”

A for... for @loveofescapism

Rey’s seeing double by the time there’s food on her plate. Oh. There’s food on her plate. That’s good. That’s unexpected at this point. “Eat,” Ben tells her.

So she does. It tastes good. Very good. She likes this food a lot.

“I’ll make sure she knows,” Ben says.

Oh she’s at that point of drunk where she’s just saying things out loud instead of keeping them in her internal monologue.

“You are,” Ben says, looking very amused.

She hopes she doesn’t say anything embarrassing.

“I promise, you haven’t yet, but oh boy, I’m looking forward to this.”

She shoves food into her mouth to keep herself from thinking out loud about his dick in her ass at his mother’s Passover seder.

do or do not (do the do)

In which Ben, in an effort to improve his stamina (look he's making progress, ok?) after reading some articles that he'll never be able to unread, receives some coaching (that he very much did not ask for).

(Very much did not ask for.)

(Not) Interested for @thewayofthetrashcompactor, @monsterleadmehome, @destiniesfic, yuktipatipriya

We're bringing Speed Dating back to Space Battles Bonanza! Register online for one of our special Bonanza sessions of 15 three-minute dates so you’ll no longer have to look for love in a galaxy far far away. Choose from one of seven speed dating sessions, two of which are queer focused. If the Insurgents can blow up the Doom Moon in 11 minutes, let’s see if you can make a love connection in only three.

There’s a history of successful Speed Dating at Space Battles Bonanzas, with long-term couples, engagements and marriages now among the alumni.

--

In which Rey & Kylo meet at their fancon's speed dating.

Never Die for @avamarga

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you.

Forged for @reyloner

There are several reasons that Ben would never have dreamed he’d ever receive this text. The first is that he’d be invited to a Halloween party. The second is that he’d never in his life expected to be in a serious relationship, much less the sort of serious relationship where his partner would suggest matching Halloween costumes. And the last is that he is dating someone who’s show only and they’ve only almost murdered one another twice. Because he’s an A Song of Ice and Fire fan. He hates Game of Thrones.

and getting caught in the rain for @kylorenvevo

What's the point of going to a family wedding if you're not going to hook up with your newly rediscovered brother's baseball coach?

A Picture's Worth for @selunchen

reyjay: hiya your art is amazing

reyjay: it’s a big ask but could you draw me for my art final tomorrow? i’m shit at drawing people and i can’t fail this. can you help?

He stares.

And stares.

And stares.

kyloren: is this some kind of a joke?

reyjay: no?? why??

kyloren: you’re asking me to help you cheat your exam, but you’re not even offering me money?

Bang for your Buck

“We ready?” he asks her, sounding huffy.

“Nice to meet you Ben, I’m just familiarizing myself with your training,” she replies.

“Ok, well I don’t have all day.”

“No, you have,” she checks her watch, “another hour.” Because of course he’d booked an extra long session. Bless that sweet, sweet overtime pay.

“And you’re sure you know what you’re doing?” he asks her and she glances up at him, sure that her eyes are flashing because that’s fucking rude. She’s a professional. Amilyn wouldn’t have hired her if she didn’t know what she’s doing, and just because he apparently thinks he’s the center of the universe doesn’t change that fact.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get your bang for your buck,” she tells him icily.

Two to Tango

Rey: I need to ask you something awkward. Ben: What’s up? Rey: Can I give you a blowjob? Please?

atlanta > all atlanta > community > missed connections for @sand-its-everywhere

In which Rey meets a cosplayer at DragonCon.

Sonsick (I'll fall for you soon enough) for @jeenonamit & YTCShepard

Sheev and Snoke share a moment at the country club.

A Thousand Words for @monsterleadmehome | Moodboard

In which, some years later, Ben encounters someone he drew for nudes.

Truth and Death written for this year’s @reylofanfictionanthology

Ben opens the box. Inside, he sees the charred remains of a helmet.

------------

She is made of sand-turned-clay, where other moving creatures are made of flesh and blood. Their skin cracks in the dry Jakku sun just like hers, but they are alive in their organs.

Rey is alive in a different way.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year written with @jeenonamit | Moodboard

Rey convinces Ben--and his sentient penis--to go with her to a Halloween party.

What could go wrong?

(Working title: "Dicklo 2: Electric BOO-galoo")

Shalom Rav! for @jeenonamit | Moodboard

In which Rey comes to terms realizing that she is attracted to the rabbi.

when the stars and moon align just so for @capaldisrighteyebrow

Songs spoke of red stars on nights that blood was shed. Stars bled too when the great fell. There were no red stars tonight. The stars did not bleed for Snoke.

Would they bleed for Ben?

She swallowed.

Because despite his own words—that he served his master (master, as though he were a draft horse to be yoked and plow the fields of men), that he would give everything to his master, she had seen doubt in his eyes that night, three years ago, when the stars and moon had aligned just so.

oh, my love, don't forsake me (take what the water gave me) for @reyloner and @loveofescapism

Their sabers clashed, humming in the spray, and Rey's heart was in her throat the entire time.

it’s you and me (i know it’s our destiny) | Moodboard

It’s just a kid’s game, he thinks when jealousy pangs in his heart. But it’s more than just a kid’s game.

It’s Pokémon.

It’s the only good thing in his life.

will you come when i call you (i’ll come when you call me) | Moodboard

Surely when Snoke had connected them, he hadn’t connected them like this.  

—

@reylo_prompts: “Due to the Force bond Rey and Ben always come simultaneously. Now they need to figure out how not to do that since it can result in awkward situations.”

The Sweater Curse for @jeenonamit & @commandercrouton

She’s never made a sweater before, but she saw the pattern on Ravelry and who cares if she’s only made (lumpy) hats before—she has to try it.  She has to make it. She has to make it for Ben.

“You realize that Hannukah isn’t an important holiday, right?” Ben asks as she makes eye contact with him.  His eyes are big and brown and—at this moment—mildly annoyed.

“Really?  Is it a giant conspiracy theory?  Part of the war on Christmas?”

“More than you realize,” Ben says and for the life of her she can’t tell if he’s joking.  He does this thing sometimes that’s confusing—where he’ll say something that sounds mopey but is actually snarky and it disarms her every damn time.  “In any event, ugly Hanukkah sweaters definitely aren’t a thing the way ugly Christmas sweaters are.”

“Well, they are now,” Rey says firmly.  “I’m making you an ugly Hanukkah sweater.  Deal with it. And stop moving.”

Ours Is The Fury for @reyloner & @commandercrouton

Rey was tasked with taking Storm's End for her king. She defeated the Storm King Snoke in the Rainwood, but when she proceeded to the castle itself, preparing for a long siege, things did not go to plan.

Seen ✔️✔️ for @ever-so-reylo | Graphic

His lock screen has three texts from Rey on it:

Rey Wife: Babe I know you’re probably busy right now, but you sent that pic to the wrong chat. Rey Wife: Bennnnnnn Rey Wife: Call me when you’re done processing your trauma.

And then about ninety chats from the Skywalker Ranch WhatsApp thread.

--

In which Ben sends a picture to the wrong chat.

With you, Always for @jeenonamit, @nuanceismyjam, and YTCShepard 

Rey's boyfriend is now a Force ghost but they're sure as fuck gonna try fucking anyway.

Chaptered Fics

we decided not to kill the wolves (we wanted to be wolves) for @nerdherderette | Complete | Moodboard

A pack of wolves lives in the woods to the north of Raddus and as winter looms, they have their eyes set on Leia Organa’s stronghold. Rey may be new to Raddus, but she’s not about to do nothing while it may be in danger. And besides, Poe must be exaggerating about wolves the size of bears. She’s not afraid of monsters.

Carry In My Core (That Voice I Adore) | Complete | Moodboards

Starring in her first opera would be stressful as is, but Rey, always one to outdo herself, just had to go and make things even more complicated with Kylo Ren. It’s hard enough looking him in the eye, much less pretending to be in love with him. She can make it through this. She has made it through worse. She can make it through this.

shadow boxes | Complete

Just because they aren’t together, doesn’t mean they’re not in love.

anyway you want to (anyway you've got to) | Complete

But you know she's getting something other Than the love from her mother

A Porn Challenge in which your author makes Rey and Ben bone their way through the month of February.

words like tomorrow (or future, or fate) for @haloren1st​ & @staticcatfish​ | Complete

One day, Rey wakes in a body that's not her own in a town she's never been to before. Who is Ben, whose body she seems to be possessing, and who woke up in her body? Why are they connected this way?

---

A Your name. AU.

Above us, stars. Beneath us, constellations. for @valsansretour​ | Complete | Moodboard

Ben woke, but Luke’s saber wasn’t ignited. Instead, he saw a master who had shattered his trust, who thought he was a monster, and—worse—he was probably right.

So he fled Yavin IV, to Skywalker’s dismay, and no one heard from him since.

Years later, on a wasteland planet, a girl and a fugitive stormtrooper board a Corellian YT-1300 light freighter in desperation to find they are not the only ones trying to steal it.

Why Don’t You And I Combine for @ever-so-reylo | Complete | Moodboard

Rey’s phone rings while she’s at the farmer’s market. She lets it ring. They have a line and it’s only a few hours, and the girls are at school and it’s just her today, so she doesn’t have enough hands. Rose and Finn and Poe are helping Ben move furniture out of his apartment and into the house. They’re probably calling about something silly, or Ben’s calling to say he’s fully moved in and he’s lying in their bed—possibly with his hand on his cock—and that he’s thinking of her.

— 

In which life continues, grows, and Rey and Ben continue to rebuild their relationship.

A sequel to Let’s Get Together.

The Love Committee for @jeenonamit | Complete | Moodboard

In which Rey, tired of her bad luck with dating apps and failed relationships, enlists her friends' help in determining who she should date next.

They take it a little too seriously.

A Year of Me and You for autonomee | Complete

“After you move in with one another, give yourself six months to like one another again,” Maz says, looking at Rey seriously through her bottlecap glasses.

“I’m not going to fall out of love with—”

“No, no. Not love. Love’s not got anything to do with it, child. Like.”

--

Non-linear vignettes of various length, set during the first year Rey and Ben live together.

Hanging by a Moment for pillar-of-salt | Complete | Mix

There are many things that Ben could have tolerated about his parents’ divorce. That his mother had finally had it with his father’s borderline illegal—or rather, as he liked to put it, borderline legal—company, the shady activities it covered that would doubtlessly end her political career if a reporter got hold of them; that his father had finally had it with the way his mother nags, because sure, he’d thought it was hot twenty years ago, but he is in fact an adult who can actually keep his shit together—all that he would have gotten. He’d have been wrecked, but he’d have gotten it.

His dad leaving his mom for a nineteen-year-old gold-digger though, and his mother not even putting up a fight—that had caught him by surprise.

That had hurt.

Be nice to her, Ben, his mother had said on the phone when he’d spoken to her for the first time in five years. She just lost your father.

Yeah. So did I.

Cupcake Wars | Complete | Fingerpainting + Playlist

Entirely by accident, Rey ends up fucking someone who works for Snoke's Cupcakery. She's just blowing off steam. It doesn't mean anything at all. It certainly won't come back to bite her in the ass.

in nobody's eyes but mine for @ever-so-reylo | Complete | Moodboard

Rey had spent too much of her life feeling as though permanence could only be transient so why bother with it. What was long-term? What was mating? What was home?

the water won’t have ya if the devil’s too blind for @thekesselrun | Complete | Moodboard

That water’s too dirty to wash away your sins.

“They’re not sins. I didn’t commit them against god. There is no such thing as god.”

Then whatever you want to call them. Crimes don’t get washed away by a river.

“It’s a cursed river,” Ben points out.

No, it’s a polluted river. Curses aren’t real. Not like that, anyway.

“Are you really well-actually-ing me?”

Yes, I am. Because you’re an idiot. Some extremely oily and not remotely potable water is not going to be able to remove the guilt you feel about killing your father, turning your back on your mother, murdering hundreds of innocents, and helping the First Order destroy the world. Especially when you knew I wasn’t going to let you die.

–

In which Ben Solo washes up on shore, very still alive and unsure of what to do next until a passing scavenger offers him a lift on her boat. Who is he now? Who does he want to be?

Apples & Honey for @peaceblessingspeyton | Complete | Moodboard

When Ben catches wind that his mother is planning to foist a potential girlfriend on him when he comes home for Rosh Hashanah, he takes matters into his own hands: specifically, he runs to Rey and asks her to pretend to be his girlfriend.

There Is Another for @kylorenvevo | Complete | Moodboards: Ch 1 | Ch 3 | Ch 7 | Ch 9 | Ch 11 | Ch14

“Mission success?”

“You will be interested in this.”

“Oh?”

Kylo glances back over his shoulder. The girl he had found on Takodana is still deeply unconscious, and will remain so for a long while. He had knocked her out as deeply as he could. She had fired at him the moment she’d seen him, resisted him tooth and nail. He does not want her waking up until he has her properly restrained, and he had not come to Takodana prepared to take any prisoners.

A shiver runs up his spine as he tries to shove away how it had felt, carrying her through that forest.

“Yes.”

“How so?”

The trouble with helmets is he can’t look Kira dead in the eye anymore. He can’t watch her face closely to see what will happen when he tells her,

“She’s you.”

Dear Mr. President | WIP | Moodboards: Ch13

Dr. Dameron shifts and slides a manilla folder across the desk to her. “Under ordinary circumstances, I’d let you keep the folder. I hope you’ll understand why I can’t do that this time around.”

She opens it and stares.

She stares and stares and stares.

Dr. Dameron has to be kidding. There have to be hidden cameras here, this has to be some elaborate prank. That’s why it’s him here and not Dr. Wexley—that was his name. Dr. Wexley.

But instead of getting to her feet and tossing her hair and saying he was cruel for playing with her heart like this, all she does is ask, blankly, “So...Ben Solo is my soulmate? Our new president is my…”

She swallows.

And Dr. Dameron nods.

so long lives this and this gives life to thee | WIP | Moodboard

His smile fades and he falls to the ground, his head hitting the ground with a sharp crack.

“Ben!” The yell echoes around them in the darkness and Rey lurches forward, her hands scrabbling over his face, his neck, trying to find a pulse.

She bursts into tears when she finds it. She doesn’t know why she’s crying. He’s alive.

———

In which Ben's Force Sensitivity—and not his life—was given to save Rey.

a little death (goes a long way) for @talltig | WIP | Moodboard

“That’s good of you,” he replies. “Especially with the O-Negative.”

“It’s a good deal,” she says and he glances up. Yeah, because Omega blood is harder to find. A taste of life, because they almost never survive the turn.

[isaurq]

My personal review of Camila Cabello's Romance album.

- ssweet-moonnnn / Isa

Track no.1 - Shameless.

The title speaks for itself. This song tells a story of passion and pursuit. I love that feeling of wanting someone so much that it actually turns you into a fearless vulnerable human. A paradox, a walking contradiction on its own right. Also I really like Camila’s carefree adventurous sexy latina, I love that energy.

My favorite lyrics from this song would have to be: “In my dreams, I do anything I want to you. My emotions are naked. Screamin' my lungs out for you. Not afraid to face it. I need you more than I want to.”

Note: the lyrics “Write it on my neck, why don't ya?" reminds me of that time when Camila rapped for Lauren “Check on my neck.” I posted a video of that before.

Track no. 2 - Living proof.

I really like how vulnerable this song is, it is an invitation to one’s soul.

My favorite lines are: “Do you feel me? Can you feel me?" and" Show your demons, and I might show you mine.”

Note to this lyrics: This was a tweet from Lauren back in 2014 “Look into my eyes, that's where my demons hide" In 2015 Camila tweeted “show me all your demons”

Track no. 3 - Should’ve said it.

For me this song is a proof of how pride or ego can mess up a beautiful love story. Most often than not a person would let someone go because of her or his pride or ego. It makes one realize that this is life and is not like the movies but you can choose to be genuinely happy by fighting for who you love whether it be over pride, ego or someone else. Take that leap of faith because regrets can be fatal in the end. It also speaks of the importance of communication and voicing out the truth and how you really feel before everything is too late.

My favorite lyrics are: “So you want me now? That's funny. ‘Cause you didn't give a... back then. If you wanted me so desperately, you shoulda said it. You shoulda said it, love. I wish that you could turn back the time. You'd hold me closer instead of your pride. I knew it was you from the very first night. And it took you two years to make up your mind.”

Note: Camila says this album was written in a span of a year, 2018-2019, 2 years ago is 2016 from 2018. Who was with her? Lauren.

Track no. 4 - My oh my.

I love this song, the energy is fun, sexual, dangerous and flirtatous vibe. One of my faves. Camila is Karla Estrabao here.

My favorite lines are: “I said, if he kissed me, I might let it happen. I swear on my life that I've been a good girl. Tonight, I don't wanna be her.”

Track no. 5 - Señorita.

Very catchy, I remember when I first heard it I played it on loop in the shower. One of those fun songs you can suffer a last song syndrome from but I’m loyal to Lauren so I wouldn’t comment about Shawn.

Track no. 6 - Liar.

Another Karla Estrabao sexy tune. This song is about unconsciously wanting someone and contradicting your own self because the truth is, you really can’t help it, you want that person when you thought it is over, it was never really over.

My favorite lyrics are: “I said I won't lose control, I don't want it. I said I won't get too close, but I can't stop it.”

Track no. 7 - Bad kind of butterflies.

I think more so this is a story of someone in a relationship who wants another person. Call me delusional but something tells me that when Camila was dating she was still thinking about Lauren and felt guilty about it. She said in an interview that it doesn’t feel the same with someone you just date versus the one where you were passionately in love with and I agree a hundred percent.

Track no. 8 - Easy.

Fave lyrics from this: “Always thought I was hard to love. Til you made it seem so easy.”

I think this is my fave lyrics off of this song because I am so hard to love personality wise I can be too much for someone, a passionate explosion of some sort and the people who have been with me who truly cared about me loved that trait about me. It seemed so easy for them to love me.

Track no. 9 - Feel it twice.

One of the saddest songs in this record but I think this is another camren song. Timeline 1 year plus 2 years ago 2016, Lauren. Camila said this was one of the saddest moments of her life, I think this is the time where she and Lauren had a misunderstanding and lack of communication.

Fave lyrics: “Oh, I'm scared if I look in your eyes, I might see your soul. Sitting by the phone, holding onto hope. Spending all night wondering why you let me go. I wish you had felt how you're feeling two years ago.”

Track no. 10 - Dream of you.

This song is so sweet. Speaks about that person who you constantly think about and hoping you do cross their mind too.

Fave lyrics: “All I do, the whole day through, is dream of you. Can you please say you dream of me too.”

Track no. 11 - Cry for me.

Ultimate break up song on the record. I think Camila wrote this when Lauren was with Lucy because she was speaking about a girl with her ex at the end of the song.

Fave lyrics: “You said that, in this lifetime, you could never get over me? Are you over me?”

Track no. 12 - This love.

This is one of my favorites. This is a song for your soulmate. It is what I call endless love.

Fave lines: “Know just how to make me miss you. Goin' in our separate ways but when I'm back here in the middle. Losin' you I couldn't face. Waitin' for ya just in case once a year doesn't hurt, Said it's the last time, but nah, Tired of building up my walls, Just to watch them fall again.”

Track no. 13 -Used to this.

Talks about how a place you don’t like could turn into your favorite just because someone you are in love with made it special for you.

In an interview Camila said that she likes to make surprise flights for someone she is in love with. Remember the rumor airport flights between camren back in the day?

Note: Funny how there is a camren play in San francisco.

Fave lyrics: “And it bears repeating. How hard my heart's beating. When you tell me I should stay.”

Track no. 14 - First man.

I couldn’t really relate to this song because I didn’t have the same relationship with my father, I can relate more to Ariana Grande, I think we have the same father. Kidding aside, I like Camila’s dad.

xx

- ssweet-moonnnn / Isa

[michellehasmusings]

Here I sit on day 72 of the COVID-19 pandemic overtaking our lives. It’s still jarring and surreal to me to see everyone in masks, but it’s more upsetting seeing people without them. 100,000 Americans have died, and the virus rages on. As of today there is no end in sight and we kind of live day-by-day. Things are reopening everywhere in spite of those facts, and it’s not going to end well. It’s already unfathomably horrific, mostly because of the complete failure of the federal government under Donald Trump.

Even in times of darkness, light can be found. I look for it each day, because it’s all I know how to do to survive with this fear and death and disease. Find your light. For me, something very profound happened on Friday. For it to make sense in the present, I have to go back to the past.

In 1989, when I was 16 years old, a 29 year old woman named Victoria Cushman was murdered in my city. She was brutally killed in her own home; she had been beaten to death. A letter she had written was found at the scene. It was addressed to a man she had been having a brief affair with, and who she was struggling to move on from when he broke it off. His name was Jeffrey Scott Hornoff. He was a local cop she had gotten to know when he came into her place of employment relating to his duties on the police dive team. The affair burned hot and fast and then it was over. He was married and had a baby at home. There was never any hope for Vicky and Scott, but she couldn’t let him go. The letter she had written, but was never sent, expressed how difficult it had been for her to try to move on. This looked bad circumstantially to law enforcement. When they questioned Scott, he initially denied the affair. His alibi for that night left an hour unaccounted for. On its face, it looked suspicious. Scott was eventually charged with her murder and convicted. He received a life sentence. There was never a single piece of evidence that tied him directly to the crime.

I remember at the time thinking he must’ve done it. He was a police officer. Surely they would go above and beyond to prove the innocence of one of their own if he didn’t do it, right? Except he didn’t do it. He was innocent. Todd Barry, an on/off boyfriend of Vicky’s, walked into a police department well over 6 years into Scott’s life sentence and confessed. The guilt of living with what he had done and the knowledge that an innocent man was being punished for his crime became too much for his conscience. The news hit like a shockwave.

It was November of 2002. Scott had been living with this nightmare for 13 years, incarcerated for half of that time, for something he had nothing to do with. Before this, I had been more naive and pretty ignorant to the facts about wrongful imprisonment. I was horrified to discover that this wasn’t a fluke. There are thousands of innocent people behind bars even as I type. This immediately changed my views. I could no longer fool myself into believing that everyone in jails are guilty. It was a really life-changing moment. I had been raised in a strict, Conservative family. Law and order. What happened to Scott was one of many giant cracks in the worldview I had been raised to believe in. I wondered how he would survive the trauma, how he would carry on on the outside now with the justified anger and distrust he must be carrying. It kept me up at night thinking.

Two weeks later, my father died suddenly at work. He was only 58. This completely rocked my world. He was my rock. He was my protector. He was my daddy who loved me and hugged me and everything was okay because he was here. Then he was gone in an instant. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

My aunt came over the next morning and gave me an angel pin, which I put right on my coat. In the haze of grief, my mom and I had to go shopping for things we needed for the services. I vividly recall walking around the store and looking at everyone else going about life as usual. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and ask them how they can just carry on when the world had just ended. Then I turned around and found myself face-to-face with Scott Hornoff.

I instantly recognized him, and I knew he had only been released a couple weeks earlier. Almost immediately, my feeling of empathy for him overtook my own grief and I forgot for a moment the terrible pain I was in. He appeared to be overwhelmed, and I completely understood why and at that lonely, sad moment in time I felt like someone else was sharing my grief; separately, but together in that shared space. I felt compelled to let him know he wasn’t alone. I looked down at the angel pin on my shoulder, and everything in me wanted to take it off and give it to him. Having struggled with anxiety for years already by that point, I recognized that look in his eyes. I tried to put myself in his shoes and wondered how I might feel after everything he had just been through and being thrust back out into the world without any preparation. I decided that even though I might feel better by giving him the angel pin, that it wasn’t about me. Maybe he was hoping nobody noticed him. Maybe he felt stared at and judged. Maybe the noise and the busy world was scary. Maybe I should just send him some positive energy from where I stood and wish the best for him in this life. So that is what I did.

Over the years I have thought of him occasionally. I have hoped for his happiness and success. I have sometimes regretted not giving him that pin. I have wondered if maybe it would’ve helped to know someone that he didn’t even know cared.

Not long ago on twitter, I tweeted something about us being on lockdown due to the virus. Someone commented saying, “I’ve been on lockdown. This isn’t so bad.” It was such an unusual comment that it made me look at the name of the tweeter. You know who it was, right? That’s right. Scott Hornoff. What were the odds of this??? I noticed he was following me and I told him I knew who he was. I thought he followed me because I was local to him, but that turned out to be a complete coincidence. He had seen a tweet of mine and followed me randomly. This felt like the universe telling me to share with him that story that I had never forgotten about our paths crossing on the day I needed it most. He was really touched by that gesture I wanted to make for him so many years before. We got to be friends. This past Friday he told me he would be at a store that happens to be two streets away from where I was. We decided to say hi in person in the parking lot. It was such a profound moment for me that I felt tears welling up in my eyes, which I was hiding behind my giant Jackie O. sunglasses. He told me he had something to give me. It was a little gold pin of a DNA strand that supports exonerees. It is the same size as the angel pin. I will treasure it always, along with my new friend, Scott.

Please support The Innocence Project. They do amazing advocacy and legal work for the wrongfully imprisoned. They deserve their freedom and our support. https://www.innocenceproject.org

To read more about Scott’s story, check this link:

https://www.providencejournal.com/news/20190312/wrongfully-imprisoned-hornoff-appeals-to-lawmakers-to-compensate-ris-exonerees

[louistomlinsoncouk]

Louis Tomlinson is sticking to his guns

The tension between image and reality is a much-discussed phenomenon within fandoms, and has been a particularly prevalent conversation amongst One Direction fans in recent years.

Fans love the same person, but each one adores a slightly different version – we take what we need from interviews, performances, and tweets and we form our own idealised image. And yet, whilst those images are based on reality, none of them are entirely accurate.

When faced with the reality of their idol, how would you feel? I’d never had to think too deeply about it before, but suddenly the question weighs heavily on my mind as a One Direction fan about to interview Louis Tomlinson.

He walks into the room for our interview wearing tracksuit bottoms and a yellow jumper that, in recent months, I had become incredibly accustomed to seeing him in. He hugs me and introduced himself as Louis – as if I didn’t know – and then sits down on the floor. It's a move that reminds me of lazy afternoons at my best mates’ houses, and as I move to sit down opposite him, it's hard not to feel immediately comfortable. It's my first big indication that he is exactly the person I'd always believed him to be: laid back and easy to be around. That impression doesn't change throughout our interview.

We begin by talking about what Tomlinson's long-anticipated solo album is going to sound like. Based on the eclectic sounds of the four previously released singles, it’s difficult to judge. “It’s kind of been an educational thing for me,” he explains to me, “a chance to experiment”.

When Steve Aoki asked him to collaborate on a song, “Just Hold On”, he “hadn’t been 100% sure [he] wanted to do anything in the solo world,” but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. “It was a bit of a dream of mine to play festivals like Ultra, which I did with Steve, and it was wicked”.

The time spent working on and promoting “Just Hold On” made Tomlinson realise solo releases were something he wanted to do, but he found it hard to combine where his interests lay musically, what he knew the fans wanted to hear, and “working out where that fits on radio.”

“There’s a lot of frustration on my end with where radio is at. There’s a lot of rap and hip-hop and that’s not really my taste – I’ve never been great in that world, you know.” We laugh about the idea of him trying to fit into that genre, and I fondly recall a jokey Twitter conversation between Tomlinson and One Direction bandmate Niall Horan about that very topic. Tomlinson also explai that “everything felt like [he] was starting again,” and how that was a little bit daunting – which is what made that first song so helpful.

“I was used to having three or four other lads around, so this all felt very different. I think it was cool for me, getting back into the swing of releasing music and doing promo and all that, going through that process with Steve at the start and then with Bebe [Rexha, who features on his second single ‘Back To You’].”

Feature slots on other people’s songs allowed Tomlinson to gradually get used to a new way of doing things, and gave him a chance to figure out his musical identity on the go. “I felt like I had a bit of room to experiment, [because it was] shared. I kind of went into their world with those songs a bit.”

“I’m trying to strive for credible and live-sounding, rather than overproduced and programmed.”

I ask if third and fourth singles, “Just Like You” and “Miss You”, are more indicative of the overall sound of his debut LP? Tomlinson nods then shakes his head in quick succession. “‘Miss You’ was a little bit more… I suppose you could say pop-punk,” he muse, soon adding that “I’m trying to strive for credible and live-sounding, rather than overproduced and programmed.” He indicates that ­– in that respect – “Miss You” is a strong indicator of what’s to come.

“Just Like You” seems to be the track Tomlinson is most proud of, and indeed most sure of its place within the record. It’s a song about how the differences in our circumstances do not mean we experience emotions any differently, and he admits that “it was a difficult one [to write].”

“I think that concept doesn’t normally work well ‘cause it just sounds like a whingey celebrity song.” He remains “super conscious” of that whilst writing it, as he was sure it was “a message [he] wanted to get out to the fans.”

“It was one I was happy with [too], because when someone listens to one of my songs I like them to be able to take something away from it, [I like them] to learn something about me.” It’s a song peppered with anecdotal lines and little details that reveal a lot about who Louis Tomlinson really is; what he really cares about. That’s certainly what he’s aiming for throughout his music.

“My lyrical style, naturally, is to just be matter of fact, honest, and sometimes blunt.” Some messages, Tomlinson suggests, are made even more powerful with metaphors – as in “Just Hold On” – but mostly, he says, “I don’t like being clever for the sake of being clever. Sometimes it’s cool to read between the lines.”

What he prefers as a listener is more of what he describes as a “brutal storyboard”. He references early Arctic Monkeys and the latest Liam Gallagher record – “I absolutely rinsed that” – as places he takes inspiration from. “It was really interesting to hear [Gallagher] talk like that [on 2017’s As You Were], it was like a breath of fresh air.”

We approach the subject of new single, “Two Of Us”, which I hear just before he arrives. The song has a particular, moving honesty that will surely touch not only fans but much of the general public. “I kind of shied away from writing that song because I didn’t really think I was ready to [go through that process] yet,” Tomlinson says, explaining how the track just happened. “I got into a session and we ended up getting into it, and it was going perfectly.” He notes that it was “a much more emotionally draining situation [in the studio] than [he’s] used to”, but also “one of the most fulfilling.”

“I really did want to write this song, I was just intimidated at first because it had to be perfect. There had to be little things in there that were really thought-provoking for me.”

Is he was satisfied with the song in its final form? “I feel like we got the whole message across perfectly," he tells me confidently. "How I felt before and how I feel now. I’m really happy with where it’s finished up.” There is a hint of nerves in his tone – understandable given how personal the song is – but he is reassured by my assertion that people will love it.

"Everyone has a different writing style. But when you do find that person or that group and it feels like you’re all on the same page, it really is an amazing feeling."

I wonder aloud whether the writing process for “Two Of Us” was made more difficult by the fact that he was writing with strangers, rather than the established group he worked with on One Direction material. “I think the way I were brought up and also where I’m from, I’ve got no problem just sitting here and spilling it out to anyone,” Tomlinson admits. “I’m sure sometimes I catch people off guard when I just spill half my life story and they’ve known me ten minutes, but it’s how you get the best out of a song.” He suggests that although “it was great having the group that we had in the band,” he feels like he’s learning more as a writer now. “It’s more challenging this time around. I’ve had to be a lot more engaged and take a real interest in the little things about what makes a great song.”

That’s not to say there are no downsides to working with new people at times: “I’m not going to say that every session I’ve been in has been amazing because there have definitely been some eggy ones. Everyone has a different writing style. But when you do find that person or that group and it feels like you’re all on the same page, it really is an amazing feeling”.

We talk about his his plans for touring, and I can't help but ask if he'll be performing any One Direction songs. His fellow bandmates all brought a few forward to their own tours, and – as arguably the main writer within the band – Tomlinson has the most to choose from. The subject makes him grin: “I’ll be doing as many as I can get away with.”

Tomlinson has already performed “Little Black Dress” from Midnight Memories back in 2017 – “it sounds better live than what we recorded on track” – and knows the fans will be expecting Four’s “No Control”, as it's always been very much considered his song: “The fans really got behind that one, and it always went down amazing on the tour shows. It’s a good sing-along one.”

He mentions a few others, name-checking “one of [his] favourite songs [he] wrote for the band,” “Love You Goodbye”, and fan favourite “Home”, amongst some more unexpected ones from the band’s back catalogue. Rather than looking towards the big singles, Tomlinson’s focus is on those he’s most proud of lyrically and musically – ones that, if he brings them on tour, will be deeply appreciated by the band’s most dedicated followers.

We return to the matter at hand: his upcoming album. The singer shows some regret at how long it’s taken him to finish – but also a flush of pride in sticking to his guns. “After ‘Just Hold On’, I could’ve just followed the trends on radio, but it felt important to me to work out exactly who I was as an artist," he says. "I know myself, and I’m happy to let [the album] go.”

Tomlinson wants to feel confident that when the album gets released, his self-knowledge will be reflected in his first solo full-length. He explains that, even now, he finds it frustrating at times because he wants to put music out and go on tour, but it wouldn’t be right to push: “The fans have been waiting so long, I owe it to them now to not rush anything. It would be silly now to just rush it out.”

I asked if the time frame has affected how he feels about any of the songs, or what they mean to him? After all, a lot can happen in two years. “Not really, because when I started writing this album, what I wanted was for it to play chronologically. I mean, the longer things take the harder this becomes to pull off, but it’s still something I want to do. It’s got to feel like you get to know what’s been happening for the past three years of my life. Although with some songs on the album I might not feel like that now, I know I did then and I still want to tell that story.”

Tomlinson’s a story is one fans are eager to hear, for sure, but one which will – no doubt – be of interest to wider audiences too.

Whatever is coming, Louis Tomlinson’s debut record is not an album people will be expecting from the One Direction star, nor one that will sit easily amongst the current chart toppers. But that’s a good thing. It’s exciting. And it’s definitely something worth waiting for.

[dailytomlinson]

Fans love the same person, but each one adores a slightly different version – we take what we need from interviews, performances, and tweets and we form our own idealised image. And yet, whilst those images are based on reality, none of them are entirely accurate. When faced with the reality of their idol, how would you feel? I’d never had to think too deeply about it before, but suddenly the question weighs heavily on my mind as a One Direction fan about to interview Louis Tomlinson. He walks into the room for our interview wearing tracksuit bottoms and a yellow jumper that, in recent months, I had become incredibly accustomed to seeing him in. He hugs me and introduced himself as Louis – as if I didn’t know – and then sits down on the floor. It's a move that reminds me of lazy afternoons at my best mates’ houses, and as I move to sit down opposite him, it's hard not to feel immediately comfortable. It's my first big indication that he is exactly the person I'd always believed him to be: laid back and easy to be around. That impression doesn't change throughout our interview. ADVERTISEMENT We begin by talking about what Tomlinson's long-anticipated solo album is going to sound like. Based on the eclectic sounds of the four previously released singles, it’s difficult to judge. “It’s kind of been an educational thing for me,” he explains to me, “a chance to experiment”. When Steve Aoki asked him to collaborate on a song, “Just Hold On”, he “hadn’t been 100% sure [he] wanted to do anything in the solo world,” but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. “It was a bit of a dream of mine to play festivals like Ultra, which I did with Steve, and it was wicked”. The time spent working on and promoting “Just Hold On” made Tomlinson realise solo releases were something he wanted to do, but he found it hard to combine where his interests lay musically, what he knew the fans wanted to hear, and “working out where that fits on radio.” “There’s a lot of frustration on my end with where radio is at. There’s a lot of rap and hip-hop and that’s not really my taste – I’ve never been great in that world, you know.” We laugh about the idea of him trying to fit into that genre, and I fondly recall a jokey Twitter conversation between Tomlinson and One Direction bandmate Niall Horan about that very topic. Tomlinson also explai that “everything felt like [he] was starting again,” and how that was a little bit daunting – which is what made that first song so helpful. “I was used to having three or four other lads around, so this all felt very different. I think it was cool for me, getting back into the swing of releasing music and doing promo and all that, going through that process with Steve at the start and then with Bebe [Rexha, who features on his second single ‘Back To You’].” Feature slots on other people’s songs allowed Tomlinson to gradually get used to a new way of doing things, and gave him a chance to figure out his musical identity on the go. “I felt like I had a bit of room to experiment, [because it was] shared. I kind of went into their world with those songs a bit.” “I’m trying to strive for credible and live-sounding, rather than overproduced and programmed.” I ask if third and fourth singles, “Just Like You” and “Miss You”, are more indicative of the overall sound of his debut LP? Tomlinson nods then shakes his head in quick succession. “‘Miss You’ was a little bit more… I suppose you could say pop-punk,” he muse, soon adding that “I’m trying to strive for credible and live-sounding, rather than overproduced and programmed.” He indicates that ­– in that respect – “Miss You” is a strong indicator of what’s to come. “Just Like You” seems to be the track Tomlinson is most proud of, and indeed most sure of its place within the record. It’s a song about how the differences in our circumstances do not mean we experience emotions any differently, and he admits that “it was a difficult one [to write].” “I think that concept doesn’t normally work well ‘cause it just sounds like a whingey celebrity song.” He remains “super conscious” of that whilst writing it, as he was sure it was “a message [he] wanted to get out to the fans.” “It was one I was happy with [too], because when someone listens to one of my songs I like them to be able to take something away from it, [I like them] to learn something about me.” It’s a song peppered with anecdotal lines and little details that reveal a lot about who Louis Tomlinson really is; what he really cares about. That’s certainly what he’s aiming for throughout his music. “My lyrical style, naturally, is to just be matter of fact, honest, and sometimes blunt.” Some messages, Tomlinson suggests, are made even more powerful with metaphors – as in “Just Hold On” – but mostly, he says, “I don’t like being clever for the sake of being clever. Sometimes it’s cool to read between the lines.” What he prefers as a listener is more of what he describes as a “brutal storyboard”. He references early Arctic Monkeys and the latest Liam Gallagher record – “I absolutely rinsed that” – as places he takes inspiration from. “It was really interesting to hear [Gallagher] talk like that [on 2017’s As You Were], it was like a breath of fresh air.” We approach the subject of new single, “Two Of Us”, which I hear just before he arrives. The song has a particular, moving honesty that will surely touch not only fans but much of the general public. “I kind of shied away from writing that song because I didn’t really think I was ready to [go through that process] yet,” Tomlinson says, explaining how the track just happened. “I got into a session and we ended up getting into it, and it was going perfectly.” He notes that it was “a much more emotionally draining situation [in the studio] than [he’s] used to”, but also “one of the most fulfilling.” “I really did want to write this song, I was just intimidated at first because it had to be perfect. There had to be little things in there that were really thought-provoking for me.” Is he was satisfied with the song in its final form? “I feel like we got the whole message across perfectly," he tells me confidently. "How I felt before and how I feel now. I’m really happy with where it’s finished up.” There is a hint of nerves in his tone – understandable given how personal the song is – but he is reassured by my assertion that people will love it. "Everyone has a different writing style. But when you do find that person or that group and it feels like you’re all on the same page, it really is an amazing feeling." I wonder aloud whether the writing process for “Two Of Us” was made more difficult by the fact that he was writing with strangers, rather than the established group he worked with on One Direction material. “I think the way I were brought up and also where I’m from, I’ve got no problem just sitting here and spilling it out to anyone,” Tomlinson admits. “I’m sure sometimes I catch people off guard when I just spill half my life story and they’ve known me ten minutes, but it’s how you get the best out of a song.” He suggests that although “it was great having the group that we had in the band,” he feels like he’s learning more as a writer now. “It’s more challenging this time around. I’ve had to be a lot more engaged and take a real interest in the little things about what makes a great song.” That’s not to say there are no downsides to working with new people at times: “I’m not going to say that every session I’ve been in has been amazing because there have definitely been some eggy ones. Everyone has a different writing style. But when you do find that person or that group and it feels like you’re all on the same page, it really is an amazing feeling”. We talk about his his plans for touring, and I can't help but ask if he'll be performing any One Direction songs. His fellow bandmates all brought a few forward to their own tours, and – as arguably the main writer within the band – Tomlinson has the most to choose from. The subject makes him grin: “I’ll be doing as many as I can get away with.” Tomlinson has already performed “Little Black Dress” from Midnight Memories back in 2017 – “it sounds better live than what we recorded on track” – and knows the fans will be expecting Four’s “No Control”, as it's always been very much considered his song: “The fans really got behind that one, and it always went down amazing on the tour shows. It’s a good sing-along one.” He mentions a few others, name-checking “one of [his] favourite songs [he] wrote for the band,” “Love You Goodbye”, and fan favourite “Home”, amongst some more unexpected ones from the band’s back catalogue. Rather than looking towards the big singles, Tomlinson’s focus is on those he’s most proud of lyrically and musically – ones that, if he brings them on tour, will be deeply appreciated by the band’s most dedicated followers. We return to the matter at hand: his upcoming album. The singer shows some regret at how long it’s taken him to finish – but also a flush of pride in sticking to his guns. “After ‘Just Hold On’, I could’ve just followed the trends on radio, but it felt important to me to work out exactly who I was as an artist," he says. "I know myself, and I’m happy to let [the album] go.” Tomlinson wants to feel confident that when the album gets released, his self-knowledge will be reflected in his first solo full-length. He explains that, even now, he finds it frustrating at times because he wants to put music out and go on tour, but it wouldn’t be right to push: “The fans have been waiting so long, I owe it to them now to not rush anything. It would be silly now to just rush it out.” I asked if the time frame has affected how he feels about any of the songs, or what they mean to him? After all, a lot can happen in two years. “Not really, because when I started writing this album, what I wanted was for it to play chronologically. I mean, the longer things take the harder this becomes to pull off, but it’s still something I want to do. It’s got to feel like you get to know what’s been happening for the past three years of my life. Although with some songs on the album I might not feel like that now, I know I did then and I still want to tell that story.” Tomlinson’s a story is one fans are eager to hear, for sure, but one which will – no doubt – be of interest to wider audiences too. Whatever is coming, Louis Tomlinson’s debut record is not an album people will be expecting from the One Direction star, nor one that will sit easily amongst the current chart toppers. But that’s a good thing. It’s exciting. And it’s definitely something worth waiting for.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

Emotional check-in!

1:27pm, Thursday, December 12th of 2019.

I still think Patrick is a fucking idiot.

So I'm not eating; my body refuses to eat.

It's either due to stress about the whole thing, or my period isnt allowing me.

But everything I can even think of to put past my lips disgust me.

Just like how my ex boyfriend disgusts me.

Me trying to befriend and get a fresh start with his close best friend who hates me over old shit that no one fucking cars about -> Azalea somehow finding a way to snap at Patrick for having the AUDACITY to talk to me like a fucking normal person would to their girlfriend about their problems, and barring him from talking to me about her, while also refusing to message me back online and still claiming she hates me.

That is so..... insecure of her.

And even worse if my boyfriend actually agrees to her wishes, and not mine.

Her wishes: to talk shit about me, my tweets, and to not ever meet me but to still keep insulting me to him over nothing

My wishes: to actually meet Azalea, have a fresh clean start, and potentially befriend her, as opposed to feeling nervous at the idea of those two hanging out solo, from her blatantly hating me over super old stuff.

Him: hmm.... sorry Tamia, it would be unfair to Azalea to not respect her confidentiality and what about you upsets her! Also, i still plan to see her whenever and wherever I want.

Me: i dont want to date someone who openly has friends who hate me, and won't stand up for me to show they value me just as much as you do her. I dont think i wanna see you anymore.

Patrick: *surprised pikachu face*

.....

The more I think about it, the more I really want to picture him crying over the relationship. I hope he does. He's already pussy enough, so, crying wouldnt be any sort of new low that he hasnt reached in terms of being fucking pathetic.

And still seeing red over him saying that I was the one who "ended it over some dumb shit i shouldn't have cared about"....

Oh I'm sorry, was I the girl who hates your girlfriend over sending you a M E M E ?

I would have NEVER fucking dumped him last night if he wasn't such a coward, and didn't obviously prioritize that bitch over me, to the point of treating me like an idiot for not wanting such a toxic and controlling bitch to make demands of what *i* can do with *my* man....

Hell, I wasnt even banning him from seeing that bitch, he just acted like a twat over nothing. Imagine u tell ur bf "hey it makes me feel uneasy knowing someone who hates me is spending alone time late at night with you", and nigga goes "well, imma still do it so...."

.....and he had the nerve to act so appalled.

Fuck everything about him.

Fuck his big ass glasses. Fuck his receding hairline. Fuck his terribly tiny teeth and creepy doll like smile. Fuck his oddly feminine figure. Fuck his inability to stay hard. Fuck his know-it-all actions. Fuck his bland ass cereal, fuck his doormat-like behavior.

Fuck him.

I gave a guy a chance, and lo and behold, he doesnt take it.... Who gets shocked that their girlfriend dumps them for enabling their shitty friend's toxic ass behavior towards girlfriend?

That's like being surprised when you're a security guard working for the President, but you get fired, since your best friend is an assassin trying to take down government officials, just for pure shits and giggles.

I cant say i regret it.

I was so serious about it, and, yeah i wasnt gonna let him talk down to me about it.....

He will live. He can go back to watching PornHub, and as we all know, he's just gonna continue the cycle of working, staying at home, or texting friends who never check in on him.... nonstop. He likes monotonous things, and I'm simply giving him the freedom that he so obviously wanted.

And if anything, I lose more. No more fun chaffeur rides to the drive thru unless I cough up money for an uber. More often than not will be at home and not shacked up in his bed or some shit.

And itll be hard.

....I'm still upset, obviously. We had plenty of things in common. And just.... shit was so wack that it had to turn out this way. But he wasnt talking it out, and I wasnt gonna let some fuckass dude sweet talk me into being 100% okay with him hanging out with supposed "enemies"..... yikes.

I did really like his eyes. And the way he didny exactly know how to open up, but when he did, it was refreshing as hell. Shoulders relaxed, all cuddley, legs on his lap, cute shit. Face kissing first thing in the morning, bomb wakeup sex some mornings with him.

And all of that is gone, since I didnt matter at all to him. If he showed me i did, then this never would have happened....

God, it was like trying to get blood from a rock to even have him tell me a basic fucking compliment most days.

.....still, I liked him. And ill miss him.

I know damn well I'm never gonna fucking apologize of course. For what, putting a girl in her place and telling her to mind her damn business? Leaving him for treating me as second rank to someone else? Fuck that, lmfao. cry me a mother fucking river.

It really was the Matty situation all over again..... relationships have no meaning whatsoever.

"Please, please, please, let me......."

I just want to hold him honestly, but no way in fucking hell is it worth disrespect.

I question if I went too far, but we all know this was gonna end the same fucking way. He wouldnt make an effort to have us meet or bond, she'd be an asshole, you get the gist. Fucking asshole.

....alright.

I'll just.... find a way. I always do. I'll miss Scully and his parents, and his neighborhood, but now id probably want to vomit even passing by on a bus there.....

I guess I'll just write here, to cope or something. Itll pass.....

Anyways, my ex is coming into town Sunday. I don't even care about my ex anymore, its a little sad I guess.

I kinda 100% cut off my ex and went for Patrick for a reason; Patrick actually seemed to put in an effort with me, and my ex was obviously just having his own complications. (Wanting to be with me, but still laying with any girl that had come his way....)

And here we are. Past all the moments that actually made me seriously start liking Patrick. The ice skating at Union Square, music playing on BART rides, late night car sitting moments, listening to funk music

-- 2:08pm. Had to go wash my face, started crying. Probably will again, but its necessary for the healing process.....

Listening to funk music while checking out the view of the city skyline, all that.

Its not exactly gone, but the moments are just things that will no longer happen again.

Ah well.

I did really like sitting on the roof of his car and listening to music with him as we saw several shooting stars.

10/10 hangout idea.

Why did such a lovely person have to turn out so naive about things? Its just terrible.

And now that that relationship is over, its the ever so awkwardly impending fear of "so, what happens next from here?"

....apparently reconnecting with XPatrick is one, at least for the sake of a distraction i suppose.

XPatrick isnt a bad guy, I still like him..... Cried the last few times we talked or met up, of course.

It's either gonna be:

We make out, hook up, and part ways again, which works as a rebound, but fails as me trying to not use sex as a coping mechanism for a failed relationship

Its awkward

It ends up being a perfectly platonic and caring relationship dynamic

....okay.

.....not sure how i feel, but i should go easier on myself man. Its been less than 24 hours, and the first hour literally consisted of me texting shit to Azalea, and otherwise making a vent video about how terrible the situation was.

I still like Patrick, and thats valid. Its just not something I think he would be willing to work through, and well, cursing out his friend and tweeting about how much I resent him online probably solidifies the idea of never healing from shit.

And I like XPatrick, even if not the same as before. I shouldn't degrade him, since he was just as sad to leave me before, and, not all went as planned for us I guess.

.....anyway.

Would I be friends with Patrick?

Maybe. But distant friends. Like seeing a movie or something, but otherwise i could definitely not be around him long.

.....gotta stop writing so much.

Its been less than a day since it happened. Chill out some, these are big questions that cant be answered right now.

The rage is subsiding ever so slightly....

Just a sort of somber wave is coming in this time.

....

I called him about some fireworks i handed him at the beginning of our last date.

The date seemed cool, but like.... the whole night did a 180 once that fucking conversation had happened.

And if he wants to give them back, then i guess i better be mentally strong enough for, idk, him tossing them on the ground in front of me before he drives away. (Like Matty was like before, lmfao.)

Or no response at all...... thats fine. I've got my reasons to be pissed, (a feeling of worthlessness and some mild betrayal,) and hes got his own too. (Cursing out his friend, and then promptly blocking him everywhere, aaaand making tweets about how much i hate him.... unless he didnt see those. But eh, the desired effect was doing something atrocious to make sure i dont get contacted, and well.... to stop me from going back to something that would just keep on repeatedly hurting me, or my trust in him, in the long run.)

.....okay.

2:29pm, I miss him, but only since I'm bored and a liiiittle desperate. And overthinking good times. Im pretty sure he doesnt have a solution, and im not in the mood to force solutions in a relationship, so i guess im just gonna deal with going solo these days i guess...

Idk how to feel.

And you sick fuck, if youre reading this, then..... idk. Dont be weird or something, you were plenty weird last night, and all these thoughts of how things went are cringe.

.....i wonder how he reacted to me calling him. Did it make him mad, anxious, upset?

If i end up still loving this prick then i swear to god im going to fucking die

NOTE TO SELF: STOP CARING. HE WAS IN THE WRONG, AND YOU DID WHAT HE COULDNT. Go back to listening to music.

[blue-skies-bopper-blog]

Five Feet Apart

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Title: Five Feet Apart

Author(s): Rachael Lippincott, Mikki Daughtry, Tobias Iaconis

Genre: Romance

Five Feet Apart was one of the (many) books I received for my birthday. I was especially keen to get my hands on it after several of my friends recommended it, the upcoming movie (which I’m dying to see, but none of my local cinemas are showing it), and after The Fault In Our Stars, I couldn’t possibly resist another YA romance starring two kids under the strain of a life-threatening illness.

Even after the first chapter, I was enthralled. I already knew a few things thanks to my friends and part of the trailer, so I was already aware of Stella, CF, the hospital and from the moment I opened the book, I was already anticipating the one and only, Will Newman. I loved the split narrative from Stella and Will, which gave a perfect insight to exactly how they felt about each other. I also enjoyed how their relationship grew as the novel wore on after that first moment in the NICU. I found myself as excited as I’m sure Stella was for their first date, and with her I grew more and more frustrated with the disease preventing the two from touching, hugging, holding hands, a first kiss, which really opened my eyes to how real CFers must feel. I admired the way each of the other characters were portrayed, from Poe; Stella’s best friend who never failed to make Stella and I smile who was always there for her, Barb; whom Stella found occasionally irritating but loved to bits regardless, Julie; who we didn’t see loads of but who definitely struck a special place in our hearts, and even Abby; Stella’s late big sister whom Stella missed dearly.

Poe’s unexpected death hit me in the gut like a train. I should’ve seen it coming, reading these cruel YA novels, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined they could be that cruel. One slight problem I found with this novel, is that I personally felt that Stella moved on much too quickly (forgive me if I’m wrong or just didn’t pick up a detail or two!). She grieved for about a day before she was suddenly out gallivanting with Will barely a day later (not that I can blame her, but seriously), Poe’s tragedy forgotten, hardly a mention until the end, after the ice incident etc. If I had been writing it (which I’m not because I’m not nearly as talented as any of the authors), I probably would have changed it so that instead of such a sudden, unexpected death, Poe had contracted B. cepacia (is that how you spell it??) from Will instead of Stella contracting it which would be much more expected, and Poe would be suddenly moved away to be treated (I’m not sure if that’s what would have happened, as I am not expert with these things), Stella left without him, waiting anxiously for news, only to be woken in the middle of the night to be told that Poe had passed away. Furthermore, yes, Stella would understandably lose control, but she would be a wreck for multiple days until she forces herself to get back into a normal routine, maybe a week later, despite Poe’s death haunting her and Will with survivor’s guilt, regret, nightmares etc. They would still go on their expedition to see the lights, but there would have been a whole scene where they talk about Poe and console each other.

At the end of the novel, when Stella has been granted new lungs and Will leaves, I was a mess. Curse these YA novels for your cruelty!!! I was frustrated (but relieved of course that they had at least seen each other again) by the cliffhanger ending. Sure, they found each other, but WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?! Did Will decide to be stupidly heroic and once again leave Stella for her own safety? Did they end up together and live happily ever after with little (adopted, as most CFers are infertile) kids sitting on their knees with massive smiles as they clearly deserve even though it’s incredibly unlikely with the devastating life expectancy of CF? I don’t know, you don’t know, nobody does, except maybe those cruel authors... Honestly, the least they could do is reward us with a short story, or even a confirming tweet! Then again, unusually Five Feet Apart was written by Mikki Daughtry and Tobias Iaconis as a screenplay for the movie instead of vice-versa, when books are typically adapted into movies.

Throughout the book I felt that I learnt a lot about CF and if Stella’s YouTube channel existed in real life (I did check, just to be sure!), I would undoubtedly be a subscriber! Overall, I enjoyed Five Feet Apart immensely, and it is definitely a favourite of mine, which is why I’m giving it a...

4.5 STARS!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtgCqMZofqM

^^^The first movie trailer!!!^^^

[zouis-malikson-world-blog]

The tension between image and reality is a much-discussed phenomenon within fandoms, and has been a particularly prevalent conversation amongst One Direction fans in recent years.

Fans love the same person, but each one adores a slightly different version – we take what we need from interviews, performances, and tweets and we form our own idealised image. And yet, whilst those images are based on reality, none of them are entirely accurate.

When faced with the reality of their idol, how would you feel? I’d never had to think too deeply about it before, but suddenly the question weighs heavily on my mind as a One Direction fan about to interview Louis Tomlinson.

He walks into the room for our interview wearing tracksuit bottoms and a yellow jumper that, in recent months, I had become incredibly accustomed to seeing him in. He hugs me and introduced himself as Louis – as if I didn’t know – and then sits down on the floor. It's a move that reminds me of lazy afternoons at my best mates’ houses, and as I move to sit down opposite him, it's hard not to feel immediately comfortable. It's my first big indication that he is exactly the person I'd always believed him to be: laid back and easy to be around. That impression doesn't change throughout our interview.

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We begin by talking about what Tomlinson's long-anticipated solo album is going to sound like. Based on the eclectic sounds of the four previously released singles, it’s difficult to judge. “It’s kind of been an educational thing for me,” he explains to me, “a chance to experiment”.

When Steve Aoki asked him to collaborate on a song, “Just Hold On”, he “hadn’t been 100% sure [he] wanted to do anything in the solo world,” but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. “It was a bit of a dream of mine to play festivals like Ultra, which I did with Steve, and it was wicked”.

The time spent working on and promoting “Just Hold On” made Tomlinson realise solo releases were something he wanted to do, but he found it hard to combine where his interests lay musically, what he knew the fans wanted to hear, and “working out where that fits on radio.”

“There’s a lot of frustration on my end with where radio is at. There’s a lot of rap and hip-hop and that’s not really my taste – I’ve never been great in that world, you know.” We laugh about the idea of him trying to fit into that genre, and I fondly recall a jokey Twitter conversation between Tomlinson and One Direction bandmate Niall Horan about that very topic. Tomlinson also explai that “everything felt like [he] was starting again,” and how that was a little bit daunting – which is what made that first song so helpful.

“I was used to having three or four other lads around, so this all felt very different. I think it was cool for me, getting back into the swing of releasing music and doing promo and all that, going through that process with Steve at the start and then with Bebe [Rexha, who features on his second single ‘Back To You’].”

Feature slots on other people’s songs allowed Tomlinson to gradually get used to a new way of doing things, and gave him a chance to figure out his musical identity on the go. “I felt like I had a bit of room to experiment, [because it was] shared. I kind of went into their world with those songs a bit.”

“I’m trying to strive for credible and live-sounding, rather than overproduced and programmed.”

I ask if third and fourth singles, “Just Like You” and “Miss You”, are more indicative of the overall sound of his debut LP? Tomlinson nods then shakes his head in quick succession. “‘Miss You’ was a little bit more… I suppose you could say pop-punk,” he muse, soon adding that “I’m trying to strive for credible and live-sounding, rather than overproduced and programmed.” He indicates that ­– in that respect – “Miss You” is a strong indicator of what’s to come.

“Just Like You” seems to be the track Tomlinson is most proud of, and indeed most sure of its place within the record. It’s a song about how the differences in our circumstances do not mean we experience emotions any differently, and he admits that “it was a difficult one [to write].”

“I think that concept doesn’t normally work well ‘cause it just sounds like a whingey celebrity song.” He remains “super conscious” of that whilst writing it, as he was sure it was “a message [he] wanted to get out to the fans.”

“It was one I was happy with [too], because when someone listens to one of my songs I like them to be able to take something away from it, [I like them] to learn something about me.” It’s a song peppered with anecdotal lines and little details that reveal a lot about who Louis Tomlinson really is; what he really cares about. That’s certainly what he’s aiming for throughout his music.

“My lyrical style, naturally, is to just be matter of fact, honest, and sometimes blunt.” Some messages, Tomlinson suggests, are made even more powerful with metaphors – as in “Just Hold On” – but mostly, he says, “I don’t like being clever for the sake of being clever. Sometimes it’s cool to read between the lines.”

What he prefers as a listener is more of what he describes as a “brutal storyboard”. He references early Arctic Monkeys and the latest Liam Gallagher record – “I absolutely rinsed that” – as places he takes inspiration from. “It was really interesting to hear [Gallagher] talk like that [on 2017’s As You Were], it was like a breath of fresh air.”

We approach the subject of new single, “Two Of Us”, which I hear just before he arrives. The song has a particular, moving honesty that will surely touch not only fans but much of the general public. “I kind of shied away from writing that song because I didn’t really think I was ready to [go through that process] yet,” Tomlinson says, explaining how the track just happened. “I got into a session and we ended up getting into it, and it was going perfectly.” He notes that it was “a much more emotionally draining situation [in the studio] than [he’s] used to”, but also “one of the most fulfilling.”

“I really did want to write this song, I was just intimidated at first because it had to be perfect. There had to be little things in there that were really thought-provoking for me.”

Is he was satisfied with the song in its final form? “I feel like we got the whole message across perfectly," he tells me confidently. "How I felt before and how I feel now. I’m really happy with where it’s finished up.” There is a hint of nerves in his tone – understandable given how personal the song is – but he is reassured by my assertion that people will love it.

"Everyone has a different writing style. But when you do find that person or that group and it feels like you’re all on the same page, it really is an amazing feeling."

I wonder aloud whether the writing process for “Two Of Us” was made more difficult by the fact that he was writing with strangers, rather than the established group he worked with on One Direction material. “I think the way I were brought up and also where I’m from, I’ve got no problem just sitting here and spilling it out to anyone,” Tomlinson admits. “I’m sure sometimes I catch people off guard when I just spill half my life story and they’ve known me ten minutes, but it’s how you get the best out of a song.” He suggests that although “it was great having the group that we had in the band,” he feels like he’s learning more as a writer now. “It’s more challenging this time around. I’ve had to be a lot more engaged and take a real interest in the little things about what makes a great song.”

That’s not to say there are no downsides to working with new people at times: “I’m not going to say that every session I’ve been in has been amazing because there have definitely been some eggy ones. Everyone has a different writing style. But when you do find that person or that group and it feels like you’re all on the same page, it really is an amazing feeling”.

We talk about his his plans for touring, and I can't help but ask if he'll be performing any One Direction songs. His fellow bandmates all brought a few forward to their own tours, and – as arguably the main writer within the band – Tomlinson has the most to choose from. The subject makes him grin: “I’ll be doing as many as I can get away with.”

Tomlinson has already performed “Little Black Dress” from Midnight Memories back in 2017 – “it sounds better live than what we recorded on track” – and knows the fans will be expecting Four’s “No Control”, as it's always been very much considered his song: “The fans really got behind that one, and it always went down amazing on the tour shows. It’s a good sing-along one.”

He mentions a few others, name-checking “one of [his] favourite songs [he] wrote for the band,” “Love You Goodbye”, and fan favourite “Home”, amongst some more unexpected ones from the band’s back catalogue. Rather than looking towards the big singles, Tomlinson’s focus is on those he’s most proud of lyrically and musically – ones that, if he brings them on tour, will be deeply appreciated by the band’s most dedicated followers.

We return to the matter at hand: his upcoming album. The singer shows some regret at how long it’s taken him to finish – but also a flush of pride in sticking to his guns. “After ‘Just Hold On’, I could’ve just followed the trends on radio, but it felt important to me to work out exactly who I was as an artist," he says. "I know myself, and I’m happy to let [the album] go.”

Tomlinson wants to feel confident that when the album gets released, his self-knowledge will be reflected in his first solo full-length. He explains that, even now, he finds it frustrating at times because he wants to put music out and go on tour, but it wouldn’t be right to push: “The fans have been waiting so long, I owe it to them now to not rush anything. It would be silly now to just rush it out.”

I asked if the time frame has affected how he feels about any of the songs, or what they mean to him? After all, a lot can happen in two years. “Not really, because when I started writing this album, what I wanted was for it to play chronologically. I mean, the longer things take the harder this becomes to pull off, but it’s still something I want to do. It’s got to feel like you get to know what’s been happening for the past three years of my life. Although with some songs on the album I might not feel like that now, I know I did then and I still want to tell that story.”

Tomlinson’s a story is one fans are eager to hear, for sure, but one which will – no doubt – be of interest to wider audiences too.

Whatever is coming, Louis Tomlinson’s debut record is not an album people will be expecting from the One Direction star, nor one that will sit easily amongst the current chart toppers. But that’s a good thing. It’s exciting. And it’s definitely something worth waiting for.

“Two Of Us” is out 7 March via Sony.

[doctor-mycroft-fox]

And here am I again, complaining and being a crybaby on this website again. I can’t post on Twitter, too many people might see it, and I’ve already lost some friends about of that dumb story I keep talking about. 

The truth is I don’t know what to do? I don’t know what to say, everything is so shitty, and everything is a mess at the moment. I’m not that depressed during the day, mostly because I keep myself quite busy, I don’t have much time to think, and there’s always some friends from uni around to talk etc so I don’t really think but I’m not really there, I feel like I’m just numb to everything. When evening arrives, and I have to come home, I just want to run away, I don’t want to be in this house anymore, the people here, I just feel paranoid, I just feel like everybody hates me there (except for my Russian flatmate, she’s my Belgium Mum here). And they all make so much noise all the time, I’m so tired. 

The more I go to uni, the more I feel like I’ll fail, but it’s the only thing I have to go, so I do it, I go. Moreover I’m engaged in two team work so I can’t give them up. But seriously, this semester is so hardcore, I don’t even know how I’m gonna pass my exam, I’ll probably fail most of them, but well, at least I know it. The worst part is going to uni, feeling bad about not being able to cope with all the courses and the works, and seeing your friends managing to do it all and even more sometimes, and like... you’re there, and you can’t really complain because we’re all in the same shit and I’m tired of being the one who always complains. I complain because I just suck, that’s the truth. I suck at uni and I know it, but I still have a slight hope that I might maybe, with a miracle, manage to pass my exams ? I don’t even know. 

I finally live in Brussels, a city I’ve always wanted to live in, and I’m not even happy, I can’t even enjoy the city because I have too much work to do. 

I have this one friend, maybe the only one I can call a friend in Brussels, from uni, she’s really cool and protective about me sometimes it feels good to have someone like that, even more in times like this. But I feel guilty for the time she gives me, and the fact that she feels like she has to confort me or whatever.She has other important things to do like work for uni, and take care of her family and close friends, who am I to her but someone who passes in her life?  On the other hand, she’s the only one I feel confortable enough to talk about that dumb Russian asshole. She’s the only one that won’t judge me or else. 

I feel lonely even tho I know I have friends, but, most of my close friends I know I can’t talk to them about everything. The only friend I could talk about really everything and anything, well, just left my life. 

He truly has a toxic person in my life that I needed to get rid of. And I did, it’s a good thing. What I hate is how it happened. Long story short, we spend the entire month of October arguing about how he treated me poorly, and how he didn’t care about me at all, and I told him I wanted him out of my life, and he couldn’t even say (at least sober) why he wanted to keep me in his life as a close friend. He couldn’t tell me how much he cared about me, he couldn’t tell me that he loved him, he couldn’t do this, and admitted that I was the only one he couldn’t actually say it to, and he didn’t even know why. The more I think about, the more I feel like he did all of this just to make me suffer even more. I’m almost convinced he did that with the purpose to torture me even more. Anyway, he just kept on feeding me hope during the entire month, asking me (begging) me to give me a last chance, again and again (because he kept on fucking up his chances every time) until he finally asked me for a break. A break that I didn’t want, I know him, he’s a dumb asshole, and a break would just please him, he’d have the feeling he’d won the battle, and would forget all about what I told him, and blamed him, I just feel good again, while I’ll just keep on feeling more and more shit because of him. And that’s what happened, he just left me like that, with no guarantee, nothing. God I hate him for doing that to me. And he does that on purpose, he knows how it drives me crazy. I truly think he likes to know that I’m suffering. Or worst, he doesn’t care at all about me. That’s probably the best hypothesis. 

I mean, how could he left me like that ? Like he really did care that little about him to let me go like that ? Not even with a last fight. Oh and I didn’t talk about his dumb tweets during his break “I know you’re mad at me but I love you - (I’m sober if that matters)”. He deleted these tweets right after I liked them. Like yeah, I love you but not too much eh, and I just post that here so you just suffer even more. He keeps on feeding me with hopes and let me suffer. Why can’t he just say goodbye and truly let me go ? Why does he have to do that to me ? What have I done to him to deserve that ? I just want him to let me go once and for all. Last week, I was tired of waiting for him, and just sent him a message to say that if he didn’t do something by the end of the week, guess what ? He first replied to me to kind of insult me because I didn’t reply to his phone calls, then tried to make me feel like the bad person who doesn’t hold on her promesses. The irony, when he’s actually the one who’s been lying to me for more than a year now. I eventually told me that he would do what “he planned to do” on the Friday afternoon. And guess what ? He did nothing. He once again gave me hope for nothing, just to gloat over my pain I guess ? To give me again a bit of hope so I’d think about that all weekend long for nothing. I really hoped until midnight. I sent him a message at 00.30am to ask him if it was finally over and complain that he couldn’t even have the guts to say goodbye and to undertake the fact that his only plan was to just gave up on me (maybe because he realised that I was right when I told him that he’d be better off without me) and no answer since then. Oh and also, he putted on some social media a new username like thisisnotover, omg stop him I want to stab him a thousand times (at least if I do that his father would find me back and kill him, all advantages to me since I am too much of a coward to kill myself), he continues to be that dumb ass shit and feeding me hopes just to see me suffering. At what moment, when you want to keep someone in your life (and you keep saying so), you just can time the deadline this person gives you ? Show that you want to get better for that person and do things on time FFS. He stopped his break this week (yeah I checked his Twitter account even tho I know I shouldn’t and I try to do it as less as possible) but didn’t send me anything. Just reply, just say goodbye for fuck’s sake. 

I just spend my day numb, not even able to think properly, wandering at the university, I don’t even know how I found the force to work, I just act like a robot when I’m there. And my nights, it’s just me crying to sleep every time, I don’t even know why I cry ? I wanted him out of my life. But I guess it’s just the way it happens that drives me crazy. And the fact that I cared so much about someone that never gave a shit about me. I did so much for him, even when I think about it now I just feel bad for myself for doing so much for him while he’s not able to do just a little for me... anyway. 

I’ll just be the typical emo girl that will finish all that with a quote from a BMTH song. Never been much of a fan of this band, but True Friends really stick well to my current mood and his behaviour. 

I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? It's funny how things work out Such a bitter irony Like a kick right to the teeth It fell apart right from the start But I couldn't even see the forest for the trees (I'm afraid you asked for this) You've got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine You made your bed when you worried about mine This ends now I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you You broke my heart & there's nothing you can do And now you know, now you know True friends stab you in the front It's kind of sad cause what we had Well it could have been something I guess it wasn't meant to be (So how dare you) Try and steal my flame Just cause yours faded Well hate is gasoline A fire fuelling all my dreams (I'm afraid you asked for this) You've got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine You made your bed when you worried about mine This ends now I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you You broke my heart & there's nothing you can do And now you know, now you know True friends stab you in the front You can run, but you can't hide Time won't help you Cause karma has no deadline You can run, but you can't hide Time won't help you Cause karma has no deadline

I don’t even know if someone will read this shit, but I’ll probably delete it in few days when I’ll regret writing this. 

[notailtheories]

NotailsAndMore Tweet Compilation 2

Last Compilation | Next Compilation

This section will contain the tweets that I consider make up Act 2. Because they are not actually from O-1, you could also consider them an intermission... But they still hold important information either way. OwO

This batch of tweets began a little over an hour after the last round stopped... Which isn’t a very long pause. You can most easily tell the difference because this person’s face is “TvT” rather than “=)”, if you’re looking to track these from the Twitter itself... OwO

98 |

I passed out and I wake up to me being logged into this creepy ass notail fact account. Fuck off who did this? TvT

Reply to 8, & 99 |

hate to be a stickler for details but you didn't say a fact just a question tho i *would* like to know some notail facts about my dark past :D

Holy fuck. Look if you know me O-2 sir I just want you to know I did not make this account or tweeped at you, I just woke up to this. Who tweeps shit like this at an O-class? TvT

100, reply, & 102, reply, 108, reply, & 112 |

X-7364 if this was you and some of your shitty experiments I WILL strangle all of your dirty rats. These O classes could order my death for no reason. You even used my actual email to do this. They could figure out who I am! TvT

Your buddy even said "fuck you" to me. Now that guy's got some real claws. >:3 

I am so sorry O-6 sir. I had nothing to do with this but I will still apologize. Please forgive me, I'm ok if you don't forgive my friend and kill him though. TvT

Grovelling ain't pretty, you know. But hey, you ain't done anything, right? Maybe I'll let you go. >:3

You would be most kind if you let me go for words that were not my own. Thank you. TvT

I'll think about it. >:3

Thank you. That is all I ask, and all I am allowed to ask. TvT

Reply to 98, 101, reply, 109, reply, 113, reply, 114, reply, & 115, reply, 118, reply, 119, reply, 120, reply, 122, reply, 124, reply, 125, reply, & 126 |

lol u rly had me worried there sweetie :3 im still curious abt this whole thing if u want 2 help me find out abt it :3

I didn't write any of this! This has to be an X class prank. "Ha Ha, make your friend pass out, make an account with their email and possibly kill them by telling O-6 that you love them. So funny!" TvT

lmao u creeped out like every single o class tho i think thats kinda an achievement u should be proud of urself :3 whoever made this account was saying some really spooky stuff tho do u think it was just creepypasta or what :3

Please don't say I did it. I had nothing to do with this. I wouldn't contact the O classes, much less say such things to them, for they are most favorable to my survival. It was just some shitty prank. Some of the reactions are, strange, but that is no matter to me. TvT

watching u suck up 2 them is rly funny lol but kk babe i guess ill drop it :3 smh i thought this was something cool :3

I rather not relate "something cool" with angering the O classes but I understand. TvT

suckuuuuuuuup :3

I rather live a suck up than die for something I didn't do. TvT

how abt i give u smth else 2 suck on hot stuff :3

Look I don't even have a tweeper and I'm about to abandon this account and never touch it again. So my response to that is "um bye." TvT

i hate 2 see u leave but i love 2 watch u go :3

That's extremely holy and not ok. TvT

i hope ur not as disappointing in bed as ur friends failed arg was on tweeper :3

How could a notail raise so high to grace? TvT

u sure raise some things of mine baby :3

I would block you but I'm not going to be related to this account anymore, and if my friend logs back in I'm ok with him getting fucked over by your words. TvT

id prefer 4 u 2 to get fucked by me :3

Courtship between notails is not ok, but I suppose you know that. Just understand that "no." TvT

lol our society sux anyway i dont think its possible to pollute our gene pool more than its already fucked up babe :3

Ok well society gives me a roof over my head, food, and the time I got bit by a mallon I was experimenting on society fixed my arm before it rotted away. So we'll have to agree to disagree. TvT

lmao :3 the more u talk the more stupid and boring u seem :3

Says the notail who keeps going after clearly making me uncomfortable. But "sigh" I guess that's most people. TvT

ppl are funniest when theyre uncomfortable :3

Typical notail. You fit in just nicely. TvT

Original, 103, reply, & 105 |

@NotailsAndMore is it time for my 13 other facts?

Look it up yourself? Go read the Cosmosdex or something. I may be a K class but I'm not some fact machine. TvT

The what

Can you not look up basic and common terms? Geez look. http://cosmosdex.com/cosmosdex/ TvT

104, reply, & 107 |

X-7364 just walked in with coffee and called me a sleepy head. Said I passed out after intensely working on typing. Said I wouldn't respond to me when he had a question. He's lying, he knows he went overboard this time. TvT

You may want to improve your security. This could have ended very badly for you. :V

I will do what you recommended O-7 sir as you are most wise as all O classes are. I do have good security, I must have passed out so fast my computer didn't lock so my roommate and coworker decided to fuck with me. TvT

106, reply, 111, reply, & 117 |

I just checked the profile page to see if I could find some evidence of who did this. "i'm not sorry i told the truth when you didn't. no one deserves lies." The hell. If this is over lying about who ate the last pizza I'm going to be pissed. TvT

This went better for you than it could have mate, but I would recommend keeping closer guard over your belongings. Some of the other O-classes seem a bit agitated right now. uvu

Fully understood O-5, who kicks clockworks across the skies. I'll attempt to not pass out at my computer with my roommate around. TvT

The epithets aren't necessary mate. But maybe give your roommate a kick so they don't pull this again for good measure. uvu

I will make sure to give him a kick no matter how much he says he had nothing to do with this. Thank you for the advice O class. TvT

Original, & 110 |

@NotailsAndMore Once you figure out who did this, send me their ID number. Immediately. unu

I....think it's my roommate X-7364, but he's swearing the whole time this was going on I was working and refused to respond. I don't believe him but he sounds so serious about this. TvT

Reply to other party, & 116 |

Is there any way I can convince it to become a solid Yes? c:<

(Note: I won’t record this whole exchange because I don’t think it’s relevant... The context is O-8 is looking for who made this account. That’s all. OwO)

I know this is rude of me, and feel free to confirm this, but will you spare my roommate? He seems so honest in his pleads that he didn't do it.... He's the only one who could have done it, so it's him, but it seems like he regrets it deeply now. TvT

Original, 121, reply, 123, reply, & 127 |

I really am impressed by how many people they managed to unsettle in, what, an hour? uvu

Honestly as an X class he is naturally unsettling but I've never seen him act this badly. I wonder if I really ticked him off with the pizza thing. TvT

I've dealt with much worse than some X class...if it was just that then whatever...what does your friend know....OwO

I wish he would just admit it already. He said a few really odd things on this account and I have no idea where he's getting it from. Just. Fucking admit it X! Why is he being so rude to O classes you guys could KILL or BANISH us. TvT

It feels like something stranger is going on...OwO

It's just a stupid prank. A stupid prank that's now getting us basically evicted cause we can't stay here anymore. Stupid, stupid, prank. TvT

128, & 129 |

Ok this account is done. My roommate likely made this account as a laugh and somehow got the attention of the O classes. I'm sorry this happened even though I had nothing to do with it. I wish I could say my friend was sorry too but he's pissed off. TvT

Logging out, and never logging back in again. Yet again. Sorry for all the problems this account caused. Just unfollow this account. Bye. TvT

[ THIS ACCOUNT IS DEAD | Shitty prank by shitty roommate/friend who refuses to admit it | Will never be logging in ever again ]

Last Compilation | Next Compilation

[kadyshackkk-blog]

Final Reckoning Episode One Review plus a little info from seasons past.

Hello World! Mtv’s Hit The Challenge Returned Tuesday July 10, 2018 at 9pm! This season is “the end of the challenge as we know it”. Which as of right now I’m calling total b.s. since well mtv the last few season has been “recreating” older seasons ie; The Challenge Invasion of the champions, a very sad and terrible attempt to recreate the iconic The Ruins. Then we went into Dirty 30, the longest season in existence and a horrible rip off of Free Agents which in my opinion was the last great season of the show. In the dirty 30 we had something called the purge aka lets fuck Darrell over and allow a bunch of idiots to run the show. Yes I am still bitter because Darrell was robbed out of a title that season and instead our winners were a racist and an anti feminist douche lord, I mean Camila and Jordan. Then we slide into Vendettas after that tragic second season of Champs V stars, which we won’t even talk about since it was a bunch of d list celebrities who i didnt even know and well the terrell owens aka the biggest bitch in the nfl. Moving along, on Vendettas we received a much needed invasion of new people from big brother and mtv uk! Be warned I have never watched mtv Uk shows or any big brother so I had zero idea who these people were but I was excited to see them! We also got from season 5 of are you the one Kam, Eddie, and Alicia. I loved that season of ayto and the people they chose to come onto vendettas made total sense. But what didn’t make any sense at all was the poor get rid of eddie they did. Now I will only say this once and the source that told me this is very credible since he was on their season of ayto he also doesn’t like either person involved however he dislikes eddie more. Simple fact is Alicia Lied, plan and simple. There was never a restraining order or anything of that nature. You can look it up online its public information in every state. Moving on from that, the additions from the uk were all very attractive, and before you gasp and say even Kyle?! Yes even Kyle , I feel like he looks better in person then he does on tv. The fights that season we’re beyond annoying . This was my face anytime Kailah or nicole spoke or were on my tv screen  

I give them both a chance every season they are on but they always make me regret giving said chance. The luggage throwing incident pissed me the fuck off. & Before you all go WeLL cArA dID iT To JOrdAn guess what she put a waterproof bag of his clothes in water omg get over it. Jemmeye Kailah & Britni Ganged up on kayleigh because of a rumor about her and bananas that Devin started to get Johnny thrown into elimination. It was not okay, it is never okay to touch someone elses belongings ever. I do not care, her stuff was broken and none of the actual apologized for it. 

Now for what you came for my review of the Challenge Final Reckoning Episode 1

First off I was hoping this season was a team season sadly it was just a rip off of the Rivals series which was only decent for rivals 1 and 2. Rivals 3 was ridiculous and a waste of time and energy. In the beginning we see everyone show up and Tj is all like guess what your partner is buried and you have to find them! oh and the last two teams will be sent home ending their time in south africa. Me as a view knowing damn well tj is full of shit 

We see Zach dig up his partner Amanda first. Listen I was very excited to hear that Amanda was coming back this season! I really was until all the twitter beef with cara, and unless you’ve been living under a rock you know exactly what I am talking about. (hint him and amanda won the challenge wooooooooh)

Here is everyones partnerships.

Zach & Amanda; Their beef seems a little forced since it’s about Amanda “making up” lies about jenna that even jenna confirmed was true. This team will go far if Zach learns how to work well with women.

Angela & Faith; I honestly don’t understand their beef, really over tor’i really. irrelevant ass team. Angela doesn’t have that same energy she did with Alicia when it comes to Shane and Kam. They won’t go far unless someone (cough cough angela sleeps with someone in power, pulling a veronica in the ruins when she hooked up with my favorite toothbrush twin evan.)

Dj Bald I mean Brad & hair plugs pathological liar I mean kyle; THIS TEAM MAKES ZERO SENSE YALL DEADASS MADE SOME SHIT UP. UHM HELLOOO DARRELL TAYLOR DID NOT WHOOP THAT ASS ON THE RUINS FOR ZERO REASON. Like mtv please stop calling kyle , he literally makes me want to stab him daily.

Cara & Marie; Listen these two have serious dislike for each other over a fucking tweet cara liked & it makes sense they are together. I honestly think this team will do well if Marie Actually fucking tries which i think she will. Tbh marie did campaign to be caras Partner.. However I feel like we as viewers deserved a coral cara team. Those two are both very strong women who need to work out their issues and become civil because I personally love them both.

Ct & Veronica; An og team, ct called v weak but she won more daily challenges then the majority of the girls on dirty 30 . A team to actually fear if they try and win 

Derrick & Tori; Yasssss my boo derrick is back!!!!!! Don’t tell tyler but i adore derrick and think hes amazing. I really like tori as well but her taste in men is just as questionable as mine. Back story tori cheated on derrick with jordan. therefor they don’t like each other.

Bananas & ??? : THIS LITERALLY COULD BE ANYBODY. I’m hoping its sarah so he can break his curse and retire because honestly no one can touch his record unless Landon came out of retirement or if production doesn’t keep fucking over darrell

Joss & Sylvia the sheep; Joss is Hot , and he voted sheep into the elimination and she got mad. damn well knowing she would’ve done the same thing. they do great.

Kam & Melissa; I love this team, this “rivalry” started over a misunderstanding I’m hoping they do well...

Natalie & Paulie; I don’t care enough to waste my time

Nelson & Shane; I’m actually started to like nelson, my dislike for him comes from my loyalty to tyler.. I love shane he is the sassy gay bff that I need in my life. This team will do well if nelson and shane both keep themselves in check

Mama Day & Jozea; I’ve never watched big brother but this team is by far my favorite big brother pairing, I follow both on twitter and they make me laugh daily. underdogs i stan

Britni & Chuck; The hotmess express team. Clearly still feelings there, chuck sucks for what he did to her, they will need to find a way to get past their issues

Jenna & Jemmeye; One of the best moves in challenge history caused this feud. they will do well, jemmeyes brain and jennas brawn.

Kailah & Kayleigh; Failah likes to bully others kayleigh was her victim last season. they’ll probably be out pretty early..

Now to the results of the challenge

Amanda and Zach won.

I’m not to sure about the rest of the order except for the fact Day & Jozea came in last but before jem & Jenna and Chuck & britni.

it was chucks fault him and brit lost 

it was jennas fault her and jem lost

but was anyone really in shock

So then we hear bananas yelling for help since his partner left due to family emergency everyone goes digs him up and if it was up to me he wouldve been sent “home” and not brit and chuck since they almost beat day and jozea.. after they get bananas hoe ass out tj announces that amanda and zach are able to send another team home! And out of all the teams these two dumb asses pick day and jozea. like uhm helllooooooo!!! ya’ll deadass had the chance to send send strong teams home... I can’t the stupidity of these two i can’t. SO  then the three teams leave and “go home”. Everyone goes to the house and already a fight breaks out between shane and angela, over a fucking shelf. Homegirl didn’t have the energy with shane like she did with Alicia , but we already knew she was a fraud. Then cut to outside where Joss and amanda are already flirting with each other. I will give credit is due, Amanda is a beautiful girl but has a very ugly soul and joss is very smart to hookup with her, camera time is everything and why not hook up with one of the most dramatic cast members ever. Cut to Syliva saying this could go great for her alliance or terribly for her alliance at least shes smart. The Que the amanda and joss makeout session. Then we cut to bananas cara and hair plugs talking about cara and kyle. Everything out of kyles mouth is a lie and garbage. Kyle states hes gonna sleep with other people and caras like cool whatever . The cut to faith and hairplugs making out, then faith gets into hottub and johnny being johnny brings it up in front of cara, and cara pulls a queen move by being like if he doesnt want me im not gonna wait around. boy bye best choice shes ever made. Then baby girl proceeded to go into a room and make herself look bad by trying to get at paulie. Like oh no baby what is you doing go to sleep and leave him alone..

Then we cut to the best part of the night in my opinion, first we see melissa walk in and try to be civil with kailah, failah wants zero part in it but melissa still tries because melissa wants to be nice then failah pushes melissa and melissa molly whopped her then they were pulled apart 

Everyone but kailah stans on twitter 

Then the teams who were “sent home” arrive at the redemption house and tj explains some shit i wasn’t paying attention because i didnt care at that point 

Then they go to the photoshoot day and Tj shows up which is never good..

Tells melissa and kailah they are both out ..

Now we dont know kam and kayleighs fate, we find out next week..

Over all this episode was awesome , the cliffhanger was needed , we had a fight some hook ups and a twist.

this season will be interesting to say the least.