michellehasmusings

[michellehasmusings]

I want to talk about the aftermath of psychological damage. We often talk about how to deal with sexual or physical abuse, but less often we have conversations about mental and psychological abuse. If our minds are traumatized, it affects just about everything in our lives.

I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life. All kinds. I struggle with PTSD, depression and anxiety in the aftermath. This is pretty common for survivors of trauma. Their lives are forever altered from the path it was meant to be on. It can take years for people to recover, if they are even able to at all. It’s serious, life-altering stuff.

Today I want to specifically address the aftermath of dealing with a pathological liar. The thing about that is that only until the person is entirely removed from your orbit can you fully process the depth and scope of betrayal. My kids dad lied to me. All the time. I’m not talking white lies, either. I’m talking about every kind of lie there is. He would even make up things for no reason other than the thrill of deceiving me. I’m no doctor, but it’s my belief that he is a textbook sociopath. But, I digress. The point I want to make is that only after we broke up from what was the most toxic relationship of my life did I TRULY feel the weight of it. And it crushed me.

It is hard to express in words the feeling that you no longer can take anyone at their word. You lose all faith in people, but more than that, you lose faith in yourself. You feel foolish. You feel like the only one in the world who didn’t see the truth. It messes up your psyche. Why I’m talking about this is because Donald Trump will one day be gone. I hope it’ll be in a couple of months and I believe it will be. We are so shellshocked by all of his lies and sadism already. Once he is gone, the full weight of having our lives dominated by a pathological lying, sociopathic bully will come down on us.

Be prepared to possibly need therapy. Be prepared to doubt words and intentions for a while. Be prepared to hibernate and regroup. Be prepared to need to talk. What I want you to take away from this is that it is all a NORMAL response to a psychotic situation. The good news is that you will gain strength, empathy, and an ability to read people in ways you never did before. It will take time to heal after this, both individually and as a country. But we will heal eventually.

[michellehasmusings]

Here I sit on day 72 of the COVID-19 pandemic overtaking our lives. It’s still jarring and surreal to me to see everyone in masks, but it’s more upsetting seeing people without them. 100,000 Americans have died, and the virus rages on. As of today there is no end in sight and we kind of live day-by-day. Things are reopening everywhere in spite of those facts, and it’s not going to end well. It’s already unfathomably horrific, mostly because of the complete failure of the federal government under Donald Trump.

Even in times of darkness, light can be found. I look for it each day, because it’s all I know how to do to survive with this fear and death and disease. Find your light. For me, something very profound happened on Friday. For it to make sense in the present, I have to go back to the past.

In 1989, when I was 16 years old, a 29 year old woman named Victoria Cushman was murdered in my city. She was brutally killed in her own home; she had been beaten to death. A letter she had written was found at the scene. It was addressed to a man she had been having a brief affair with, and who she was struggling to move on from when he broke it off. His name was Jeffrey Scott Hornoff. He was a local cop she had gotten to know when he came into her place of employment relating to his duties on the police dive team. The affair burned hot and fast and then it was over. He was married and had a baby at home. There was never any hope for Vicky and Scott, but she couldn’t let him go. The letter she had written, but was never sent, expressed how difficult it had been for her to try to move on. This looked bad circumstantially to law enforcement. When they questioned Scott, he initially denied the affair. His alibi for that night left an hour unaccounted for. On its face, it looked suspicious. Scott was eventually charged with her murder and convicted. He received a life sentence. There was never a single piece of evidence that tied him directly to the crime.

I remember at the time thinking he must’ve done it. He was a police officer. Surely they would go above and beyond to prove the innocence of one of their own if he didn’t do it, right? Except he didn’t do it. He was innocent. Todd Barry, an on/off boyfriend of Vicky’s, walked into a police department well over 6 years into Scott’s life sentence and confessed. The guilt of living with what he had done and the knowledge that an innocent man was being punished for his crime became too much for his conscience. The news hit like a shockwave.

It was November of 2002. Scott had been living with this nightmare for 13 years, incarcerated for half of that time, for something he had nothing to do with. Before this, I had been more naive and pretty ignorant to the facts about wrongful imprisonment. I was horrified to discover that this wasn’t a fluke. There are thousands of innocent people behind bars even as I type. This immediately changed my views. I could no longer fool myself into believing that everyone in jails are guilty. It was a really life-changing moment. I had been raised in a strict, Conservative family. Law and order. What happened to Scott was one of many giant cracks in the worldview I had been raised to believe in. I wondered how he would survive the trauma, how he would carry on on the outside now with the justified anger and distrust he must be carrying. It kept me up at night thinking.

Two weeks later, my father died suddenly at work. He was only 58. This completely rocked my world. He was my rock. He was my protector. He was my daddy who loved me and hugged me and everything was okay because he was here. Then he was gone in an instant. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

My aunt came over the next morning and gave me an angel pin, which I put right on my coat. In the haze of grief, my mom and I had to go shopping for things we needed for the services. I vividly recall walking around the store and looking at everyone else going about life as usual. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and ask them how they can just carry on when the world had just ended. Then I turned around and found myself face-to-face with Scott Hornoff.

I instantly recognized him, and I knew he had only been released a couple weeks earlier. Almost immediately, my feeling of empathy for him overtook my own grief and I forgot for a moment the terrible pain I was in. He appeared to be overwhelmed, and I completely understood why and at that lonely, sad moment in time I felt like someone else was sharing my grief; separately, but together in that shared space. I felt compelled to let him know he wasn’t alone. I looked down at the angel pin on my shoulder, and everything in me wanted to take it off and give it to him. Having struggled with anxiety for years already by that point, I recognized that look in his eyes. I tried to put myself in his shoes and wondered how I might feel after everything he had just been through and being thrust back out into the world without any preparation. I decided that even though I might feel better by giving him the angel pin, that it wasn’t about me. Maybe he was hoping nobody noticed him. Maybe he felt stared at and judged. Maybe the noise and the busy world was scary. Maybe I should just send him some positive energy from where I stood and wish the best for him in this life. So that is what I did.

Over the years I have thought of him occasionally. I have hoped for his happiness and success. I have sometimes regretted not giving him that pin. I have wondered if maybe it would’ve helped to know someone that he didn’t even know cared.

Not long ago on twitter, I tweeted something about us being on lockdown due to the virus. Someone commented saying, “I’ve been on lockdown. This isn’t so bad.” It was such an unusual comment that it made me look at the name of the tweeter. You know who it was, right? That’s right. Scott Hornoff. What were the odds of this??? I noticed he was following me and I told him I knew who he was. I thought he followed me because I was local to him, but that turned out to be a complete coincidence. He had seen a tweet of mine and followed me randomly. This felt like the universe telling me to share with him that story that I had never forgotten about our paths crossing on the day I needed it most. He was really touched by that gesture I wanted to make for him so many years before. We got to be friends. This past Friday he told me he would be at a store that happens to be two streets away from where I was. We decided to say hi in person in the parking lot. It was such a profound moment for me that I felt tears welling up in my eyes, which I was hiding behind my giant Jackie O. sunglasses. He told me he had something to give me. It was a little gold pin of a DNA strand that supports exonerees. It is the same size as the angel pin. I will treasure it always, along with my new friend, Scott.

Please support The Innocence Project. They do amazing advocacy and legal work for the wrongfully imprisoned. They deserve their freedom and our support. https://www.innocenceproject.org

To read more about Scott’s story, check this link:

https://www.providencejournal.com/news/20190312/wrongfully-imprisoned-hornoff-appeals-to-lawmakers-to-compensate-ris-exonerees

[michellehasmusings]

It's not a party without balloons

I've often referenced what it was like growing up in an ultra Conservative, Evangelical Christian style family. One takeaway for me is that they constantly obsess about how they're perceived. What people in their bubble think of them means just about everything to them. That's why there's so many secrets. My mother is one of those people. She would throw me under the nearest bus in a second over her Christian friends, and has many times over. I never once felt unconditional love as a child, because they don't know what that means. There's always conditions, and if you fail to meet their impossible expectations that they never hold themselves accountable to, you are as good as a paraiah. That's why none of this surprises me. I don't know a world without glaring hypocrisy and judgment. I was literally born into it.

Most of my childhood memories with my family revolve around the church. They don't socialize outside of the church, and they believe they are "Warriors for Jesus" whose job on earth is to convert as many people as possible. They love having a lot of kids because they can indoctrinate them into that insular world. I often wondered how my family only had two children when birth control is considered essentially equal to abortion in their view. I'm serious. We'll come back to this in a bit.

They have a full social schedule that revolves around church and scripture. I recall hearing them all gather in prayer and no sooner did they chant their AMENS that the gossip started. It's all I ever heard. They love prayer circles, but it's really a glorified way to gossip about what misery everyone was living with. So-and-so has a pregnant teen! *gasp* Let's join in prayer for them! Mrs. Jones has a son addicted to drugs. *clutch pearls* Give it to God! Then you'd hear the chatter. The blame. They just don't have enough faith. They aren't open to the Holy Spirit. It's always blame placed squarely on the suffering. It's your fault if your life sucks. You just don't believe enough.

One such social event that my mother particularly enjoyed was her Christian Women's Club. Imagine a group of around a dozen Betsy Devoses flitting about; smiling broadly, looking like a designer clothing clad fox in a hen house, jewels dazzling while they scan their surroundings making a mental list of the monetary value. It took me until I was in public school as a teen to realize most people don't greet others by looking them up and down, deciding if they're worthy. To me it felt like a parade of privilege, although at the time I didn't know what to call it.

At the end of fall, because Jesus takes winters off to fly south, they'd have their big gathering. They'd rotate who hosts, and this one particular year was my mothers turn. I was probably between 8-10 years old, but I can't pinpoint it more than that. My brother, who is two years younger, was there too. We were in our Sunday best. I was told to smile, be polite, and stay quiet.

Most of them were older and had grown children, but this particular day the only child of the group leader would be joining us and we could play together. He was a boy, I learned, much to my disappointment. It seemed like they ALL had boys and I just wanted to play Barbies or school. I was moderately girly, but I could hang with the boys, too. At least I knew I'd meet a new child and there was excitement in that. My mother had sat me down earlier to go over the rules. It was crucial that I be on my very best behavior because this child was the leaders son, and we needed to impress. I'm sure I rolled my eyes, a lifelong habit. She was right to worry. If you've seen me tweet, you know that what people think of me rates very low on my list of interests. I was not burdened with fear of status. I just didn't care about pretension, and I still don't. Having said that, I did care about what my mother thought of me. It was a heartbreaking focal point of my childhood because I was never worthy. That part of me did not carry into adulthood. With age comes wisdom, yada yada yada.

Everyone arrived and my brother and I took the boy upstairs and showed him our toys. After what felt like hours (which was probably really only one) we ran out of things to do.

UNTIL.

I remembered these funny balloons I saw in my parents nightstand I found accidentally when I was looking for a pen. They felt weird and the color was ugly, but they blew up nicely and--this was the best part--they were pop-proof. I grabbed a needle from my mom's sewing kit and showed the boy that no matter how many times I pushed it through, it wouldn't pop. It was like I discovered a new planet. The boy had never seen anything so marvelous. He just HAD to show his mother right away! He ran downstairs and burst open the door into the meeting, which was in full-on prayer circle mode.

"MOM! LOOOOOK!" he cried, as he waved the balloon to and fro and slid the needle in and out, without popping it. I looked at the women to see their reaction. They were equally astounded. They couldn't believe their eyes! My mom got up as fast as she could and snatched the balloons away and ran upstairs. She glared at me, red-faced, and I knew I was in for it. I couldn't understand why. The women quickly filed out of our house then, bibles held tightly. Everyone looked uncomfortable. What did I do?! It would takes years before I fully understood. What was wrong with these balloons, I wondered, that made everyone react so strangely and abruptly leave? I ran to the trash can and fished out the wrapper to read what it said. I thought maybe I'd find a clue as to what had just happened. None of it made sense, but I do remember the brand name visibly.

Trojans.

THE END

[michellehasmusings]

One is the loneliest number

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. My good friend Gwen once told me that kids need two parents to be created because it takes two people to handle all of the work. Understatement. But for millions of families, there’s only one. Usually a single mother, although guys–I do know there are a lot of single dads too. Single dads, though, aren’t viewed the same way as single moms. They are sainted, and believe me they ARE deserving. I just wonder why women doing it alone is looked down upon, or treated like it’s no big accomplishment. As a single mom since just about day one, I can tell you this is patently false.

A typical birthday or holiday for single moms doesn’t usually include cake, or gifts. My last birthday in October I had no cake at all. If we are lucky, we are given a handmade card from our children. Even though we feel a little sad that there’s nobody to spoil us on our special days, that handmade card is priceless to us, and all we really wanted anyway.

People forget us socially. We end up not even invited, because everyone knows where we will be. At home with our kids. On the off chance we can beg someone to babysit for free, because we can’t afford luxuries like this, we are usually too drained financially, physically and emotionally to muster up the energy to spend it selfishly on ourselves. We know that in a few short hours we will need to be mom and dad again. It ends up causing more stress than it is worth, so we stay home in our pajamas and read a book or watch Dateline anyway. Our friends who don’t have kids, or who do but have another adult living there or an ex who is very involved in helping just can’t understand where we are coming from. It is incredibly lonely.

If you know a single mom (or dad), please consider making them dinner, because I can assure you it’s been forever since anyone has. Offer to watch their kids for a day or a few hours at night, if you’re close enough to the family. Ask them if they need to talk, because the silence when the kids are asleep is deafening, and most of their conversations are with children. Sometimes just venting is enough to keep us going. Tell them they’re a great parent, because no one else will. They give up their lives for their children in ways that most people cannot comprehend. Just notice them, because being a single mom shouldn’t mean you have to go it alone.

[michellehasmusings]

I have a feeling that once you live through something like this, you become a little bit invincible.

Gayle Forman, If I Stay (via books-n-quotes)

[michellehasmusings]

A lie is always a lie.

When you're a child, you are taught that it's never okay to lie, unless someone is in danger because of the lie. It's a blurry lesson for young minds, expecting them to have the maturity and life experience to discern which situations call for the truth and what danger means in each of them. Somehow we have moved this argument into the White House, and we have a confused media unsure of what to call the lies he tells, and whether or not he intended to deceive. With all due respect to them, it is not the job of the media or the public to be lied to by our President of less than a week and be required to reserve judgment based on what his intent is. He's lying to us. Whether his intent is to distract, deceive, or born from a deep-seated insecurity, or maybe even mental illness, it doesn't matter. He is the most powerful man in the world essentially, and millions of lives are in his hands. Any lie he tells has the potential to create division, chaos, and even death. There is nothing to debate. He is a liar. My kids dad did this. He would lie right to my face, right to anyone's face who would listen. With ease, he would create scenarios on the spot to appease his audience. He, coincidentally, was also on reality tv. People wanted to believe him. They want to feel like they know this person they've allowed into their homes to laugh with. Or at. I would sit and watch him turn on the charm and dazzle people with outright nonsense. Every time I thought he painted himself into a corner, he would pull out another lie and skate past it. I thought intent mattered then, too. I thought he just didn't want to let his "fans" down. I was wrong. Eventually the little white lies he intended to impress with turned into big lies on me, on my kids. We ended up evicted with me not even knowing it until I had only 48 hours to pack everything and move. This happened 7 times in just a few years. It's easy to ask me why I didn't leave. Of course, to anyone on the outside, it seemed a simple choice. Just leave. It's never that simple. First, that meant accepting that I had brought two children into the world with someone who could not discern fantasy from fact. I knew it in my heart and mind, but I refused to accept it. I spent countless days, weeks, years trying to get him help and make him accountable for the damage his lies did to others, especially his two babies. I suspect that many of Trump's hardcore fans have this same feeling inside, but their pride won't allow them to face the reality either. Eventually, though, the situation turned even darker. Obsessed with his image and ability to con people, whether he intended to or not, he got more and more defensive. It became dangerous. I knew I had to leave before it was too late. Looking back now, I see my role in it. I shouldn't have questioned his intent. The intent did not matter. The consequences did. I shouldn't have tried to protect him from being exposed, even though it was done out of care. I shouldn't have been complicit and enabling of the situation that eventually put my kids in danger. Right now, that's the situation we have collectively found ourselves in. His lies might be self-serving, benign, even funny at times. It doesn't matter. It's a symptom of a larger problem. We have an irrational man at the helm who is so obsessed with his need to feel loved that he is willing--and able--to make millions of people suffer if we dare defy him. We have seen that already with his excitement to sign Executive Orders that will hurt many people. The answer is not to question whether or not he means to hurt us. Just as I had to accept it, cut my losses, and leave the situation before it ruined me, we must do the same now. Intent will mean nothing when he finally tells the one big lie that ends it all. This is not normal.

[michellehasmusings]

Ways to Stay Sane in the Era of Trump

Almost every day since November 9th, I've felt a sense of dread wash over me. It's disorienting, and reminds me of the deep, soul-crushing physical pain I felt inside when my dad passed away at work many years ago. If you've ever experienced that loss, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The reason for this despair is because we have watched the single most hateful, divisive Presidential candidate manage to get elected. I'm of the school of thought that many reasons caused this global tragedy. Clearly, Vladimir Putin interfered with our election and created propaganda that was gleefully consumed by millions of Americans. Just how influential it was on the total of votes, we will likely never know. But, beyond that--we now have to accept that 1/3 of our country seems to be brainwashed and reprogrammed. I thought at first that these were all people who had long masked their beliefs, but now I have another question. Was that the case, or were they susceptible people who have been propagandized into beliefs they now dig their heels into, but never did before? I'm not sure we can rule that out for many of them. To me, that's scarier than if they'd believed it all along internally. On top of that, I feel exhausted and hopeless a lot of the time. The constant assault on our collective psyche seems very calculated. Purposeful. Trump tweets day after day attacking everyone who dare criticize him, and seems to live to fight. His supporters make excuses for his childish tantrums by calling them strength. They decry facts as fake news, they claim to know more than experts, they call silly or disrespectful names. They are, in fact, parrots who mimic their chosen one. It's hard to tell which of these are Russian bots, or actual people who have become taken in by it. People I thought were intelligent have now embraced Putin's Russia and claim allegiance to it over President Obama and Democrats, while calling themselves Patriots. It's chilling. In a fictional scenario, I would've said before last year that Americans would never do this. Yet, here we are. I grasp how dire a situation this is, and it terrifies me. Nothing that has happened since that day has made me feel any better. The GOP is shielding him from corruption in order to rip health care away from almost 30 million people, which will cause around 3,000 deaths every month. They claim to have replacements, but anyone with common sense can see they have nothing. 30 million Americans are being used as virtual weapons, tossed like grenades as they try endlessly to diminish President Obama's legacy. This is a health crisis. Only 18% of Americans favor total repeal, but that matters none to the GOP. They have abandoned their post to protect the public, and are openly and brazenly stealing American lives in order to give favors to their financial donors. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Because of all of those things, and so many others, it pushes me pretty far into my anxiety and I have to regroup and look away, fighting the urge all the way. But, I have to. We have to. We have to be strong and be in this for the long haul. Their mission will be to stop us. They are hoping we get so emotionally battered that we become numb. We cannot let that happen. Take breaks. Shut off your phone. Don't turn on the tv. Instead, remember the things you enjoyed most before that day. Spend time with your family. Play games together. Talk. Laugh. Go for walks and remember that nature exists, and how calming it can be. Go see a funny movie. Treat yourself to a comedy show. Hang out with your friends and make the choice to avoid the topic for that day. You have to take care of yourself now more than ever. Just unplug for a bit whenever it gets too heavy, but remember, soldiers wear suits of armor. The weight is there to remind us of the burden on us to fight and stand up, because it will be worth it in the end. Remember, we are in this together. Resist.

[michellehasmusings]

You don't bring a hug to a knife fight

I generally try not to write long opinion pieces on politics. Not because I’m not interested, on the contrary, I very much am. Mostly because I’ve watched lines blur over the last ten years between political facts and political opinions, leading up to the Great Fake News Crisis of 2016. But, I have to get this out because it’s choking me.

For eight long years Democrats watched helplessly as a new school GOP (alt-right, anyone?) was born out of rage, frustration, and a big old dose of self-righteousness. They formed in small groups, at first, state by state, with the express goal of making Barack Obama’s entire Presidency completely void of accomplishment. There’s a lot of cases to be made for the various reasons, and I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about the source of the rage, but what is undeniable is how staggeringly effective this Tea Party movement turned out to be. Their goal was simple: obstruct President Obama as a full-time job. It didn’t matter if their constituents would benefit from his proposed policy, and they very often would have. What mattered was that they call the shots and not allow him–and our country–any advances.

The obvious next paragraph should be all about how the Democrats rallied together and fought back hard, right? Except it isn’t. Instead, they were too afraid to alienate these same voters who defied them openly via the Tea Party surge.

Democrats have been known historically as the party of the people. Most of the social programs that ALL Americans favor are a direct contribution from the Dems. I felt pride being in a party where equality counts, where ALL Americans are valued equally, regardless of who they worship, what they look like, what kind of job they have, or how much money was in their bank account. You don’t get to where we are without ambition, passion, drive, and fight. Civil Rights Movement, Women’s Suffrage, Gay Marriage. These are such amazing contributions to society, and I took for granted that we would continue to fight hard into the foreseeable future.

I was wrong.

With the exception of very few, President Obama was left to fend off the attacks by way of refusal to govern alongside him. No matter what. A great example of this is the GOP refusal to confirm Merrick Garland, a choice that SHOULD be pleasing to both democrats and republicans alike, to the Supreme Court of the United States. Did the republican base get frustrated with their representatives for this virtual picketing on the job? No. Instead, they celebrated it. It was a big punch to President Obama’s face, and to all democrats nationwide. They loved it. They bragged on twitter, while calling us “libtards” the whole way. It soon became clear to me that Republicans 2016 viewed NOBODY but liberals–their own fellow Americans they share neighborhoods, jobs, and DNA with–as their mortal enemy to be destroyed.

Fast forward to now. The unthinkable has happened. We have lost all control of our government, and there are no checks and balances in place to safeguard against. Here lies my real problem. Even after all of those years of unprecedented obstruction, after losing an election we won the vote by a margin of nearly 3 million, after learning about an attack on the very fabric of our country and its history by Vladimir Putin via his trademark disinformation campaigns and hacking, our leaders finally get it, right?

Right?

Except I don’t think they do.

We are too focused on being perceived as classy, welcoming, inclusive. When have we been given this same spirit by the GOP? When they go low, we go high. On principle it is a very admirable position to take. But, let’s be clear. It is entirely ineffective, and it is leading us into rapid extinction. Now is not the time to obsess about how we can win back Americans who would sooner slice our throats than hold our hands. It does not detract from our message to fight hard against the people who want to undo every gain we have made in 8 years. In fact, it would be a tragedy if after all of the stonewalling that our message is to pander to those who caused it. Cut our losses with the GOP base. They’re not coming back, and if the time comes when they realize Trump is for billionaires, corporations, big oil and his narcissistic ego, they will come back.

We cannot waste time on them anymore. We are the CLEAR majority, and we have been cowards. Wars are fought for the greater good with the understanding that the blood of some may be spilled for the good of many. Brave men and women, knowing this, join our military every day and fight for our rights and freedoms. They understand that even though it is cold, tragic, and violent, that it is worth fighting for. We have to take a lesson from them. We can’t let their sacrifices be in vain. It matters too much.

That brings us to where we are now–a crossroads. Did we learn anything from the Tea Party and the GOP who make it their mission day after day with renewed energy to fight against us, their brothers and sisters, as if their lives depended on it? Did we learn that we must now put conversation about policy and progress on the back burner and instead focus on defending the policy and progress we’ve already achieved? Because they’re waiting to undo it. Not sitting back silently, but baring their teeth and salivating at the prospect.

The time is now. We MUST fight back. We MUST get involved in our communities and stay on top of our local leaders on a state level in order to inspire them to fight for us nationally. We MUST take lessons from the very people who want us all to go away forever. The days of hugging our enemy are over, because you may not look at your fellow Americans as your biggest threat. But, they sure do.

So the question is: who’s ready? The time to turn the other cheek is long gone.

[michellehasmusings]

You don't bring a hug to a knife fight

I generally try not to write long opinion pieces on politics. Not because I’m not interested, on the contrary, I very much am. Mostly because I’ve watched lines blur over the last ten years between political facts and political opinions, leading up to the Great Fake News Crisis of 2016. But, I have to get this out because it’s choking me.

For eight long years Democrats watched helplessly as a new school GOP (alt-right, anyone?) was born out of rage, frustration, and a big old dose of self-righteousness. They formed in small groups, at first, state by state, with the express goal of making Barack Obama’s entire Presidency completely void of accomplishment. There’s a lot of cases to be made for the various reasons, and I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about the source of the rage, but what is undeniable is how staggeringly effective this Tea Party movement turned out to be. Their goal was simple: obstruct President Obama as a full-time job. It didn’t matter if their constituents would benefit from his proposed policy, and they very often would have. What mattered was that they call the shots and not allow him–and our country–any advances.

The obvious next paragraph should be all about how the Democrats rallied together and fought back hard, right? Except it isn’t. Instead, they were too afraid to alienate these same voters who defied them openly via the Tea Party surge.

Democrats have been known historically as the party of the people. Most of the social programs that ALL Americans favor are a direct contribution from the Dems. I felt pride being in a party where equality counts, where ALL Americans are valued equally, regardless of who they worship, what they look like, what kind of job they have, or how much money was in their bank account. You don’t get to where we are without ambition, passion, drive, and fight. Civil Rights Movement, Women’s Suffrage, Gay Marriage. These are such amazing contributions to society, and I took for granted that we would continue to fight hard into the foreseeable future.

I was wrong.

With the exception of very few, President Obama was left to fend off the attacks by way of refusal to govern alongside him. No matter what. A great example of this is the GOP refusal to confirm Merrick Garland, a choice that SHOULD be pleasing to both democrats and republicans alike, to the Supreme Court of the United States. Did the republican base get frustrated with their representatives for this virtual picketing on the job? No. Instead, they celebrated it. It was a big punch to President Obama’s face, and to all democrats nationwide. They loved it. They bragged on twitter, while calling us “libtards” the whole way. It soon became clear to me that Republicans 2016 viewed NOBODY but liberals–their own fellow Americans they share neighborhoods, jobs, and DNA with–as their mortal enemy to be destroyed.

Fast forward to now. The unthinkable has happened. We have lost all control of our government, and there are no checks and balances in place to safeguard against. Here lies my real problem. Even after all of those years of unprecedented obstruction, after losing an election we won the vote by a margin of nearly 3 million, after learning about an attack on the very fabric of our country and its history by Vladimir Putin via his trademark disinformation campaigns and hacking, our leaders finally get it, right?

Right?

Except I don’t think they do.

We are too focused on being perceived as classy, welcoming, inclusive. When have we been given this same spirit by the GOP? When they go low, we go high. On principle it is a very admirable position to take. But, let’s be clear. It is entirely ineffective, and it is leading us into rapid extinction. Now is not the time to obsess about how we can win back Americans who would sooner slice our throats than hold our hands. It does not detract from our message to fight hard against the people who want to undo every gain we have made in 8 years. In fact, it would be a tragedy if after all of the stonewalling that our message is to pander to those who caused it. Cut our losses with the GOP base. They’re not coming back, and if the time comes when they realize Trump is for billionaires, corporations, big oil and his narcissistic ego, they will come back.

We cannot waste time on them anymore. We are the CLEAR majority, and we have been cowards. Wars are fought for the greater good with the understanding that the blood of some may be spilled for the good of many. Brave men and women, knowing this, join our military every day and fight for our rights and freedoms. They understand that even though it is cold, tragic, and violent, that it is worth fighting for. We have to take a lesson from them. We can’t let their sacrifices be in vain. It matters too much.

That brings us to where we are now–a crossroads. Did we learn anything from the Tea Party and the GOP who make it their mission day after day with renewed energy to fight against us, their brothers and sisters, as if their lives depended on it? Did we learn that we must now put conversation about policy and progress on the back burner and instead focus on defending the policy and progress we’ve already achieved? Because they’re waiting to undo it. Not sitting back silently, but baring their teeth and salivating at the prospect.

The time is now. We MUST fight back. We MUST get involved in our communities and stay on top of our local leaders on a state level in order to inspire them to fight for us nationally. We MUST take lessons from the very people who want us all to go away forever. The days of hugging our enemy are over, because you may not look at your fellow Americans as your biggest threat. But, they sure do.

So the question is: who’s ready? The time to turn the other cheek is long gone.

[michellehasmusings]

Serendipity

Do you believe in fate? A random moment in time when everything you planned is altered permanently without warning. It is life-changing, and it can be fantastic or horrible or everything in between. It's interesting, because I feel like in those moments we learn most about who we are at the core. Do you roll with the punches, or do you stay down when you're knocked there? Do you accept a win graciously, or do you feel entitled to the grace life has bestowed upon you? Do you take the chance, or do you let it pass you by? Recently, I was hit by a ton of proverbial bricks. So much of my life I've spent focused on certain causes and issues without ever really knowing why. They didn't affect me, or anyone I know, but I was still drawn to them and affected by them. But what if the reason was always there all along, and you just needed to be patient in order for it all to make sense? Maybe all the wins and losses in life are part of a big picture that is so much greater than you. Maybe you just have to wait for enough of the puzzle pieces to snap in place before you can see what it really is. Maybe the pain you experience along the way is so you will recognize and value where it leads you. One can hope. I just know in the meantime that I'll remember this when things don't go exactly as I planned.

[michellehasmusings]

How I won Verified Night Owl

I’ve gotten tons of DMs on Twitter from all sorts of Night Owls wanting to know how I won last year’s Big Brother After Dark Verified Night Owl contest from Pop TV to attend the live BB17 finale in Los Angeles. It occurred to me that maybe a blog with some of my thoughts and ideas might be easier than responding individually.

So it started completely accidentally. I wasn’t actively trying to get Verified, maybe because I assumed that it would be impossible. Either way, all I did was what I’ve always done on Twitter. I put out whatever observation or thought into a tweet without self-editing or worrying about how it would be received by other fans. If you censor yourself, it dilutes your opinion or joke. I’m not a big fan of censorship. I say it and deal with the aftermath. If you’re a decent person at the core, you really don’t need to worry much. Your tweets will seem maybe judgmental or borderline mean, but that’s what makes them honest. I don’t attack for the sake of attacking. It takes a lot of guts to sign up for reality tv. You’re putting yourself out there and you have to take the bad with the good. For that reason, I view these people who sign up as flawed but human. It’s about teasing them in ways you wouldn’t mind being called out for your own bad or eccentric behaviors. I’m a very self-deprecating person and genuinely find it hilarious when anyone calls me out when I know they’re accurate. You can learn a lot about yourself that way.

When I heard my name one night as the weekly Verified winner, I was completely shocked. I still thought I had no chance at winning, but it kind of lit a fire in me. Maybe I wouldn’t win the grand prize, but maybe I WOULD! After a really bad few years, it was a very welcome and positive distraction. I started to stay up later and on more nights. I wanted to win this. Last year we had a really fun cast that made it easy for me to find interesting things to say about them. There were villains, heroes, nerds, cool kids, comedians. You name it. It was kind of like the jokes wrote themselves.

One thing I never did was look at the other Night Owls as a means to the ends. All of my interactions were genuine, and I feel I’ve proven that this year because I have no dog in this fight but I’m still here every night playing along with you all. An interesting byproduct of the interactions were friendships that grew organically throughout the summer. You all were essentially muses for me without even knowing it. It inspired me to tweet more and allowed me more creativity. Then, of course, was my kindred spirit Orwell. The way we vibe off each other made me feel inspired, too. All of these things helped.

My best advice is to NOT try to be funny, or witty, or smartass, or prolific. Be you. Tweet like you are sitting in a room full of your friends watching your favorite show. Notice things and point them out. It’ll be much more relatable when it isn’t planned out. Let it happen naturally. That’s what people respond to most; genuine personality. Don’t worry about the number of hearts and RTs you get. The right people will notice your efforts and eventually someone WILL win.

I never dreamed it would be me. But it was! It could be you, too.

[michellehasmusings]

Brittanee Drexel Missing Update today

Seven years ago, a pretty 17 year old girl with a bright, gleaming smile full of perfect white teeth and eyes the color of the Caribbean ocean walked out of a hotel in Myrtle Beach, SC during Spring Break for a one mile walk, and was never seen again. Her name is Brittanee Drexel. Today at 1 PM EST, the FBI will hold a press conference nearby the last location her cell phone pinged a tower before it went silent forever. What happened to Brittanee? This has haunted me for the last seven years. People don't vanish. I recall at the time of her disappearance that the friends she had traveled with, after lying to her mother and saying she would be with a friend at the beach near her home in New York, behaved very coldly in the aftermath. Brittanee's mom, Dawn, had told reporters that not only had these friends never helped look for Brittanee, they never even bothered to pick up the phone and talk to her at all. I was a teenager once. Under no circumstances would I have ever ignored the mother of my friend who went missing while in my company, no matter how scared I may be. I also recall reading about a violent sex offender being in that immediate area during that time. It appears that he has never been charged in the disappearance either. To my knowledge, nobody has been ruled as a suspect, or ruled out. The authorities have said that today's press conference won't announce a discovery of her whereabouts, or a suspect being charged. Her family was asked to attend from out of state, and they've retained legal representation. The list of those attending today seems lengthy, and includes state and federal representatives. What they're going to announce is quite a mystery, and I'll be watching. I hope the Drexel family gets Brittanee back alive, but after so much time without a trace it doesn't seem very hopeful. Barring that, I hope they'll get the answers they deserve. There's not anything I can possibly imagine that could be worse than not knowing.

[michellehasmusings]

Yeah, I suffer from depression. You got a problem with that?

Last year I found myself in some really dark times. A two year relationship that was never solid finally crumbled. Problems with my ex continued. My young children were struggling with being in a broken home and missing their daddy, who moved almost 4 hours away. It got even more overwhelming for me. It culminated in what was about to be a foreclosure and being faced with nowhere to go. There is nobody in my family who is my rock. At one time my dad and grandmother were, but they have both been dead well over a decade. Having to be mom and dad for two little girls when you have no soft place of your own to fall is like climbing Mt. Everest. Even the most well-adjusted and self sufficient person would get overwhelmed. And I was. It was too much, feeling like I was being struck by lightning everywhere I tried to find refuge from the rain. So, the depression I have fought hard against my ENTIRE LIFE--which is well documented in my life, believe me--reared its ugly head and started to take over my way of thinking, as it had many times over the years. Sometimes I had reasons for feeling down, but sometimes I didn't. This is the way depression is. It does not wait to make sense. It does not care what your responsibilities are. I found myself pretty isolated when this cycle struck me, and it was intense in a way I had not experienced in many years. No one event or person could be pinpointed as the cause. Rather, it was a collective "falling apart" under the intense weight of pressure. When you feel this broken, you look for support where you can get it. You want someone--ANYONE--to tell you it will be okay. You are not going to die. You are not going crazy. You are sad and you need help and support. That is what I did. I relied on people who spent months telling me I am their friend, and they are mine. It felt like nothing was real anymore. I realize now that everything is mostly okay in my life that I was at a really scary low. I needed people. What I did not expect was to be attacked for that. I did not expect the very people I trusted to use this opportunity to lash out and try to publicly shame me as some crazy person seeking attention. I made no public mention of my feelings, but on social media you can easily tell if someone is doing well or not. I wasn't. I was afraid to confide in my friends here, feeling like I had used up all my free passes to vent about life. That's the thing with depression, other people get tired of it. So, I made it clear that while I would ABSOLUTELY NEVER harm myself, that it didn't mean I didn't FEEL like I wanted to die inside. Even in the depths of despair, I needed to make it apparent that I was not in immediate danger, but that I was NOT in a good place either. What I found myself having to do was apologize to people for worrying them. I was told the gossip was that I'm "crazy" and "suicidal" and only looking for attention. Again, not once did I say any of this in public. Always one on one, in private. If I were out for attention, I was pretty private about it. I was shunned, excluded, laughed at, gossiped about. Maybe that should've been the straw that broke the camels back. But it failed, if that was the intent. It just motivated me to get my act together again and seek professional help again dealing with the darkness for my kids and myself. So I did. I'm not happy every day now. I still struggle daily to not let this monster take over my life. But, I struggle. I fight. I know I'm stronger than depression and even when I feel my darkest, I know there are ways to help by calling a therapist, my doctor, or someone else in the same situation. It's important that you know that if someone is reaching out to you, don't you dare make them feel ostracized or ashamed. Luckily I'm one who can hold my head high with my chin all the way up and know that this is not my fault. I did not ask for this disease. But not everyone is as strong as me. You may be someone's LAST HOPE. So please educate yourself and be compassionate. You might help save a life.

[michellehasmusings]

The Dating Game

I’m trying to get excited about starting over again in the dating world. When I was in my 20s I used to wonder what in the world women older than me were so dreading when they were ready to start their own new journeys for love. I get it now, ladies.

Being in my early 40s with two young children, at the end of the day all I want to do is climb into bed. To sleep. The last thing on my mind is trying to be vulnerable when it’s not natural to me anymore. I’m the mom AND dad in the daily world. I’m strength. There is no room to jeopardize that. My primary purpose in life is to be their mother, which brings me to my next point.

There’s a guilt of sorts about dating as a single parent. I haven’t been on a single date in a year, yet whenever I tell people that someone has asked me out, I notice the eyebrows raise in whomever I’m telling. It’s like they’re thinking, “you shouldn’t be running around on dates when you have kids.” because there is so much judgment that comes the way of the single mom. There just is. I’ve come to accept it, and to not care what “they” think. Nobody but me is doing the work. For me, though, there’s even some guilt I put on myself. I hear that judgmental voice in my head telling me it’s not important. It’s not about me. But, am I being fair to myself? Do I need to punish myself anymore for being responsible? I feel like I’ve done that long enough. I think I can get past that now.

Then, and this is a BIG ONE you guys, there is the Social Media Effect. Fuck, it is not the Dating Game you and I grew up with. Everything is instant gratification now; 24 hour cable, news, fast food. We are never alone. We are never without information. People can Google you before you even meet and know all sorts of shit you prefer maybe they didn’t. Beyond that, there’s the Tinder problem. Do you married people know that you can login and expect at least 9 out of 10 messages to start out by saying “damn. Your (sic) hot baby. Wanna get lucky tonight?” I’m not playing. That’s an actual message I got. Over and over and over. Of course you know, though, because half of you ARE married. The other half? You’re the real MVPs. But you’re all taken. So fuck you.

So I’m back in the game. I’m not going to pretend I have a great attitude and completely open mind. I’m pretty jaded and skeptical, if I’m being honest. But I’m ready to give it a shot, because there's still a part of me who believes that eventually it will be worth the risks and someone worth it will show up.

[michellehasmusings]

At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.

John Green, Looking for Alaska

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(via books-n-quotes)

[michellehasmusings]

Name Your Colour

And the rows of golden like the sun The boldest and brightest crayons We sit obediently we wait for our number to be called "Come here, baby girl, and sit on my blade. I'll whisper the world in your ear for just a little while." The blood soaks our black dresses so nobody notices but I do He puts on a band aid and kisses it better so we let him pat our heads and go back to the end of line. Waiting to be called again, we sit.

[michellehasmusings]