#I cant remember the source but I know I read somewhere that people would specifically train magpies to say hello/greet guests

[red-moon-at-night]

After doing some research on the types of pets people had in ancient Greece, I'd like to imagine that Helen is the sort of person who has a whole menagerie of birds — and she loves each and every one of them very, very much.

It fits well with her being good at mimicry, you know. Talking and imitating and singing with her beloved birds 💜

Close up under the read more:

I had to include that one necklace from the minoan 'saffron goddess' fresco because it's my favourite thing Ever

[autoimmunerach]

My PCOS Diagnosis

So lets start with the first diagnosis. I guess my first BIG diagnosis was PCOS.

I was around 15- I had always had pretty irregular periods but like- whatever. Thought nothing of it. I was dealing with more important matters- like who I wanted to date and weather or not my mom was going to let me have a sleepover with Jennie so we could stay up watching Skins.

Anyways- I was feeling icky and crampy but just figured my period was somewhere around the corner.

SOMEWHERE.

Never quite knew when or where it would strike.

But I was walking into my room and BAM. A cramp- or pain- that was so intense it literally brought me to my knees. My brain was like “This is it this is how we die. Death by cramp. I am leaving this earth.”

Spoiler: I didn’t die.

I did, however, boogie down to the hospital. I had some intrusive questions asked- didnt know that would be the day my mom found out I wasnt so innocent- and had ultrasounds done. And then waited for like ever.

Bingo bango, I’m not pregnant- which I knew anyways- and my appendix was in tact. So what the hell is going on?

CONGRATS!! YOURE THE WINNER OF AN OVARIAN CYST!!

Ok cool, take it back, I don’t want that. Also what the hell is an ovarian cyst?

I wont get into specifics here, but basically I had a growth on my ovary that I didnt invite.

The ER folks tell me not to worry and it will just go away. So my mom and I leave and think no more- Im fine right?

Wrong. Like so wrong.

My mom happened to run into my doctor the next day and- of course- told him everything. Because why not talk about your daughters ovaries in the middle of Lowes?

My doctor freaked out when she told him how big it was. I cant remember the exact size of this bad boy, but it was enough to make my doctor pre-schedule a surgery for that week in the middle of LITERALLY LOWES.

Imagine my surprise when my mom came home with THAT news. My first surgery was happening? No thank you.

Fast forward a few days, I get a cyst the size of a grapefruit taken out of my body- off my left ovary- and was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome- PCOS. The recovery was bogus because we didn’t know I was a little anemic so I bruised all the way up my abdomen and down my leg.

I stayed in bed for a week and binged Bobs Burgers and Brain Games on good old Netflix.

Then I started birth control and started- what I had no idea about at the time- my life long journey of taking pills every day. Not just the birth control but other supplements. I started getting more diagnoses over the next couple of years- but we can get into that later.

A good source about PCOS is Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development — NICHD (nih.gov) . Read up on it, it’s interesting. Also, chances are, you know someone with it.

“Worldwide, PCOS affects 6% to 10% of women, making it the most common endocrine disorder in women of childbearing age.” — 30 Interesting Facts About PCOS — PCOS Nutrition Center

I came to find out a lot of women in my life had actually had PCOS or know someone with it.

A common theme throughout this blog is going to be that YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT ILLNESSES SOMEONE HAS UNTIL THEY TELL YOU. There are many many MANY illnesses that aren’t talked about that impact a lot of people. And I have some of them. Lucky me, I know.

I’ll get into judging people before you know what they go through later. For now, do some reading on PCOS. I’ll be back.

Love u bb 💕

[ithisatanytime]

 GIve me a break, this is like the fifth day in a row i have been up well over 24 hours ok. some of you are gonna hate what i talk about here, but i just want you to acknowledge something, i didnt come to these conclusions because i was personally hateful towards any grouping of people, i came to it by accident while studying biology, a major lifelong passion of mine, straight up, i just wanted to learn about frogs and shit, but i kept running into brick walls as my interest in biology grew broader, why cant i learn about this? why isnt anyone trying to figure this out? the experiment would be easy to set up, and the answer is important so why cant we talk about it?

  at first i thought the answer was politeness, and i probably could have gone my whole life believing that and been much happier as a result, if i didnt have an innate passion for learning about this stuff, but i do, so i didnt. years and years of further study, into what this thing is that i was perceiving, thats pulling a shroud over vast swathes of information, what could it be?

  oh fuck its jewish people. even with the proof right in front of my face, i denied it for two full years, even when proof slapped me in the fucking mouth every single day for two years, i wouldnt except it. the last thing i could cling to was there was no believable method of action, i could hardly believe that jews all met in some shady building somewhere and plotted together about how they were gonna stick it to the gentiles. i could CLEARLY SEE that the people motivating, and funding this massive web of lies were almost always jewish, WAYYY beyond the scope of my confirmation bias, remember at this time i was trying hard not to believe that, anything but fucking THAT! right, i grew up training to join the army someday, i read book after book about world war 2, we were the good guys, hitler was gassing millions of people! we saved them! not to mention a literal lifetime of propaganda depicting people who hold racial views as the villian every time, that got easier to let go of once the heros started being racist as fuck towards white people, and the media and colleges were basically like “kill whitey”, it was a jarring about face. and then i found former professor of psychology at the university of california kevin macdonalds book culture of critique,

  i was already familiar with group identity dynamics, and Macdonald masterfully proofs (over and over, relentlessly) that judaism is a group evolutionary strategy, and on some level its instinctual for them to sabatoge their larger host population. i cant begin to do the book justice, each chapter basically starts with an assertion or a theory or a question, and then its just paragraph after paragraph of proofs with tons of mainstream sources sited. after i finished reading it the first time, i sought out the best argument against his book, and my god it was fucking terrible. the guy pinker accused macdonald of cherry picking, which if you read the book, its a ludicrous charge, macdonald responded and eviscerated this guys “critique” they back and forthed for a while, with pinker sticking mostly to his original erroneous charge, it was literally like he didnt even understand the thesis of the book, it was embarrassing. he later admitted to not having read the book, and then was heavily implicated in the EpSTEIN child molestation ring. you know, the one where mossad paid Epstiein to black male americas rich and powerful by taping them fucking underaged prostitutes he hired? that epstein (man who gives a FUCK if he committed suicide or was murdered!?)   obviously that doesnt have any bearing on his argument i just thought it was funny to mention, if you think im lying look up steven pinker right now.                                                                                                                                    the rest of the “critiques” of kevin macdonalds books arent even worth talking about, i considered just pasting them into this post but its already long as hell and interesting to no one else but me so ill spare you, the short version is they just called him an anti-Semite or a white supremacist, or that he had cooties or whatever the fuck else people call people who are telling the truth and they want them to stop. after that it was over for me, the book just lays it all out, the whole history of it, but more importantly the mechanism of it. jews arent some hive mind (no shit) they are just humans, they arent a monolith, they disagree, but they also do conspire, and its literally in their DNA to do exactly what they are doing here, LIE mainly, but they are only lying so they can steal, which is what they have been doing since long before you were born. again, not all jews, and not all responsible for this fucking mess are jewish, but the mess itself is distinctly jewish, its got a little hat on and everything. our country looks the way it does, is dysfunctional in this very specific way, due to massively disproportionate jewish influence.

[incendavery]

gosh, thank you! that is so sweet??? I hope you (and any other of my followers who celebrate!) have/had a very happy Eid!💖 💕

on another note, I’ve finally gotten around to cleaning out my askbox! under the cut is almost every ask I’ve gotten that i haven’t answered in the past.... I’m not sure. it’s been a WHILE though.

as a warning, there’s all sorts of stuff, and it’s all untagged! also also, if you sent one of these asks and want me to remove it, just let me know!

yes!! @fuckaspunk IS super sweet and talented and i AM very lucky to have them! and I’ve heard from reliable sources that the feeling is mutual~~💕

i’m glad my comics make you feel less alone; that’s a rough situation you’re in. i really hope you find yourself in a better environment soon!

thank you!!!💕

thank you for understanding! and yes, aidan is a huge help to me??? even when they’re not answering asks, they’re always supporting me in some way, whether that’s making sure I’ve eaten enough, or talking me through my anxiety, or all the other ways they’re there for me every single day💕💕

ok, my tips are!!:

draw as much as possible! even if it’s just lines and shapes with no meaning, you’re still developing your hand/eye skills

BUT: dont draw if you’re not feeling it! if you’re feeling fried, it’s better to take a break. go on a walk to somewhere scenic, read your favorite book, listen to some new music, hang out with friends, or just take a nap! rest up and find some inspiration! you can come back to your sketchbook when you feel energized again

draw stuff that you like! you’ll improve way faster if you’re passionate about what you’re doing

look at art you like with a critical eye. try to examine the different components and figure out what you think works or doesn’t work. try incorporation those components into your own work

read a lot of tutorials and other resources, but take what they say with a grain of salt

ultimately, remember that the only real rule to drawing is that doing it should make you happy

good luck!! i do my best not to pick, but it’s a real struggle; i have lots of scars from it too. ;v; im cheering for you!!!

ALWAYS!!!! if you do, please show me!! my notifications get real busy, but anyone is welcome to IM me any time!

thank you! i actually get very worried about my style; i tend to admire artists with complex linework and delicate shading, so i often feel my style is far to simple! so thank you!!

that is really high praise????? gosh??!?!?!? best of luck with the next three years; i hope you grow to be someone you like even better than me!

thank you!!

peanut time is the best!! i haven’t gotten to do a proper one in a while though ;-; i’ve mostly been feeding the crows on my way back home from night shifts, when i give them the reject eggs from the continental breakfast.

wow, neat!! chickens are so wonderful; i cont wait until i can have some of my own :>

dont be nervous! i know i can be hard to get ahold of over the internet (bc i get overwhelmed easily) and hard to talk with irl (bc i get so nervous and interacting w ppl doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL) but honestly i?? love making new friends??!

thank you!!? im thankful every day that someone as radient as aidan is in my life for the long haul

thank you!!!!!!!💕

i completely feel that? its ok to hit rough patches! just do your best!!

i dont remember what i felt bad about but THANK YOU💕💕

honestly its done me worlds of good to share my art?? hearing people talk about how they go through all the same shit i do makes me feel so much less alone, especially on the toughest days! so i guess thank you, and thank you?

youre welcome!!!! :>

huh!! i dont know much about shoegaze (other than thinking abt that post abt the guy who pronounced it like fugazi I THINK ABT THAT EVERY TIME) but thats real neat!! im glad youve found something that works for you!!

hey, neat middle name! and youre very welcome; i hope things have been looking up for you since you sent this?💕

i dont remember when this was from but im currently doing really well with my meds!! i switched to a combination of lexapro in the morning and benadryl in the evening, and its been working super well!✨

thank you??!! ;o; i would love to see all your favorite birds!!

hey, right back atcha!!!

:0

ty!!!

hey. thank YOU

you’re absolutely not bothering me! thank you so much!!

!!!!!!!!!!

hey, nice! im glad you like both me and my music!

gosh thanks?!?!

she is the most beautiful and handsome!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her! thank you from both of us!!!!

aw, gosh! im sure i like you too!!

this was from.... A WHILE AGO.... but youre welcome?? i just wish i could have done more

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

thank YOU and a very very belated merry christmas!!!

that does make sense!! reconciling friendships and crushes is tricky business. the best i can say to you is to be as honest and open with each other as you can

i dont personally get those, but ive heard of people experiencing them as a sideeffect when coming off or switching meds

i think these two are part of the same message? but oh man yeah that sucks when ppl are misgendering you AND hitting on you at the same time. on a different note, ive never heard of using a corset to stim before! neat!

i mean, 1. depression doesn’t care if you have a “””good””” reason and 2. ive literally never met anyone w depression (including myself) who thinks that they do have a “””good””” reason for having it. thats the insidious part of depression, is that it makes you think that theres nothing wrong and that its all just you not measuring up in some way

so i guess that would make you.... someone with depression?

real BAD

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗

not yet haha THANK YOU

hey, im glad you like it!! since this blog has gotten so big, its kinda my happy place to be? (for anyone wondering, my reblog blog/personal is @spinels!

that IS a fun fact!! thank you!

it’s absolutely ok! i get a little bitter when people take my work WAY out of context (for example, straight people removing the caption that says “im just really gay” before tagging their bf/gf) but i am 100% ok and happy with people relating to my work in a different way than i intended (ex: a comic i made about being ashamed of my derma getting reblogged by someone struggling to be ok w their visible burn scars)

hoo gosh, thank you!!

glad to have you here!! im glad people can relate to some of the weirdly specific shit i write about tbh???

i’m sorry its taken so long for me to get back to you; that a terrible situation

if you have a teacher you trust, i would absolutely bring it up to them. that is 100% not an ok thing for those kids to be doing. at all.

im glad you at least have your friends that support you! 

:0 WAIT is this someone i know through ucsc?? :0 :0 :0

HA 

aaaa thank you! that is high praise ;v;

i have no words; this is such a touching message. thank you so much ;v;

this is belated but!! the main creative community i can recommend is kzsc, the radio station! i had a real cool time there, and its a great way to make friends and connect with ppl of all sorts! :0

yeah, its totally normal! ive had roommates ive been super tight with, and roommates who i barely ever hung around with. its natural! i doubt you’ll finish college w/o finding a roomie that you get ~The Roomie Experience~ with though, even if its like a housemate or s/t!! ;0

i’ve never been told that, actually! neat!! (and wow?? i cant believe i inspire ppl.... wow......... what a concept tbh??)

oh yikes... i do hope youre feeling better :( im glad my comics can help a little bit at least!

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗!!!

HUGS

i dont remember what this was in reference to, but good to know?

also good to know!?

i think the crows and jays do! i dunno about the squirrels and other birds. and thank you!!

the youth gang..... i love it..... how good???!

i wrote about getting yuri right here! he’s a southern alligator lizard and i love him to bits. 

heres a pic of the Long Boy doin his thing:

hey neat! i’m glad youve chosen a lame you can be proud of!!💖

ive never heard of that!! wow

what play is this?? :0 :0 :0 im so curious now!!

oh SHUCKS...,,,,,,,,,, ;v;

hahahaha omg thank u

i dont actually have any more of them interacting, unfortunately! the owl isnt one specific person, like a lot of my characters are meant to represent. the owl more represents as a whole all the people i run into in my life that i am very very gay for.

thank you!!!

youre very welcome! im glad you feel better!!!!

aaa gosh thank you!!!

hhhhfgh ive gotten less of it recently BUT YEAH that was bad times™️ 

thanks for the info!!! :0

no problem! a lot of the credit honestly goes to @fuckaspunk, who is always keeping me updated on that sort of stuff.

i didn’t know that! a lot of the symbolism seems to come from multiple sources sometimes, from what ive seen?

aaaa gosh omg thank you ;v;

aw thank you???!!

nice!!! oct 24 bdays go!!!

thank you!! it really does mean a lot actually!!!!!!!

of course?? antisemitism cant be ignored in this fight

aw, thats so cute! id love to hear what headcanons you have tbh???

hey thanks?! this is really cool to hear, tbh. i try to be positive most of the time, but im not going to like,,, kid myself when im not feeling it and im glad that other people can appreciate that too, ya know?

wow!!

(this one!) thank you i love that one too???!

hey, im glad you found your way here!! thank you so much!!!

aaaa ty! 

hmmm i have two leopard geckos, and they made very good beginning lizards for me and aidan! but i would maybe ask someone a bit more experienced than me, like @kaijutegu​ or @wheremyscalesslither​!!

thank you!!

one day at a time! (but seriously, thank you!!)

yummy yummy sauce...... ty!!!

awww, gosh! thank you!?

AAAA TY BOTH I GET SO SELF-CONSCIOUS ABT MY VOICE,,,,, ;o;

:0 i havent watched that, but it sounds rly cool!!

i like that fun fact a lot! ty!!

pae stands for paerlin, which is what @fuckaspunk​‘s internet handle used to be! i used it to refer to them on my blog in secret back when they still didnt know i had a crush on them.... ;//v//;

aaaaa thank you!!!  ;o;

nice nice nice ty!!

>:0 get back down here!! (jk that’s rly neat! highfive!!) 

those are all good words that i like!! thank you!!!!

i dont know anything about him, but i looked him up and i guess i can see it?!

@fishcrow is really cool! ive never really interacted with them, but im p sure were mutuals...? anyway yeah their comics are rly cute and cool!

that is me! thank you; i hope things go well for you as well!

hello to you too!

aaaa ty!!! tbh the number of nice anons i get way way way outnumbers the mean ones <3

thank you! thank YOU for existing!

:0 chocolate croissant, here i come!!!

thank you!!!!!!💕

its literally my pleasure!!!

aaa ty!!! 💕💕

hehe im glad! 

sldf;j;sfjdklfdslfjs thank you so much?????? what a compliment omg gosh

yeah!! i have a hard time on settling what class id be, but i feel like id be a heart player! 

ohh um! im not sure which pens youre referring to, but if you mean the ones I use for my comics, i color them with Winsor & Newton ProMarkers, and I do the lines with a purple fine-point Sakura Gelly Roll Classic pen! i also use micron pens of all different sizes and colors in some of my non-diary comic art!

aww thank you so much!!

:0 :) :0 !!!!!!

ty!!! ive grown to love him very much as well!!

thank you! i hope you are doing well also!!

i love them very much?!! id put a picture but i dont have one with all four of them so instead imagine me lying on the floor crying abt how much i love them bc thats me basically every day

you dont mean......

?!?!?!?!?!?!

awwww ty!!!

HEY WOW

aaa gosh thank you!💕

DOUBLE FOLLOW

gay dragons combine the best of both very good things: gay and dragons. im glad you appreciate them w me tysm ;v;

aaa what a lovely message! ty💕

3rd-shift-working, depression-having, corvid-loving solidarity fistbumnp!!!!

huh! ive never heard of that; ill check it out maybe!!

ah im really glad? tysm!!💕

my understanding is that it helps people who have text-to-speech readers? but im honestly not as well informed on that as i should be! 

hell yeah!!!! 

gosh!!!!!

hnmngnhng youve probably already made a decision but i just gotta say.........shadow rulez

delicious!!

i havent!! i really want to though!

oh man ALL THE TIME. i usually try to either reality check with someone i trust, or to do an activity thats easy and i know i can do, or both!

i love andre and karl!!! its actually a huge influence on me and my art tbh??? 

i had a good (and safe) trip! ty!!!

hey, thank you!!!

oh jeez thats bad :( i think this was in response to when i needed to wait between med refills?

i cant give a precise reason, tbh! when it comes to whats lucky, i just sort of.... go with my gut, ya know?

thank you!! 👍

that sure sounds like insomnia! its almost hard for me to say tbh, bc ive had trouble sleeping for as long as i can remember, so NOT having trouble sleeping is bizarre and unrealistic to me haha... but i think the bottom line is, if its interrupting your daily routine and making it hard for you to have enough energy, then its something you should look into remedies for!

:0 :0 :0

ohhh how nice! ill give it a try! :>

omg,,,, nope, just me!

thank you!!!!!!

honestly? thats such a good way to look at it i love the idea of my blog as a big zine

always!!!!! go for it!!!

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

omg, thats so great! thank you!

im so glad; thank you!!!

thank you so much!💖 (and mexico, neat! i love hearing where people are following from??)

aaaaaaaaaaaa ;//v//; thank you??? i get so happy whenever ppl tell me they like my singing aaaaaaa

aw, hey, no worries! money is all well and good, but in some ways, messages like this mean just as much!

its cool that comic gave you plural feels! im def not a system though :> 

its tricky, isnt it? i still feel like im no good at it lmao

LISTEN,,, there is a 99.9999% chance i wont notice, and a 100% chance i wont judge. reblog away! 

THANK YOU ARENT THEY THE BEST I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

thank you!! i hope you have a good day as well!

aaa ty!!💖

aa ty! (what a cool name!!! im kind jealous ngl!)

awww thank you💖

i do my best! i just worry when im not active, bc i tend to connect my self-worth to my output (;^; )

aaaaa ty!! 💖

!!!!!!!!!!!! omg wow i love being called a pretty boy???? ty???????

hey, neat! crow high-five!

aw, thank you!!! 💖

im doing my best! thank you so much, messages like this really help when im in a place like that tbh ;v;

gosh this is so sweet? thank you so muhc !!?

thank you all!! im sorry that saying thank you over and over sounds so repetitive, but i truely do mean it for every one of you!!!

i am..... one of those things!

well thank you!!

ohoho~✨

thank you! and honestly im sure it does??

hey, cool! good for you!!!!!!! and ty!!

aw gosh thank you!💖

hey, wow! thats super cool; thank you so much!

(i dont follow the first person i followed on tumblr anymore.... they became a hockey blog rip haha)

aaaah, thank you so much!!

almost???

i do!! drunken lullabies is an absolute banger!!!!!!!!!!

i am!!!! thank you!!

aw, ty!!! 💖

hee hee, thank you! 

my biggest tip honestly?? have someone who can be by your side to help you with... basically everything... during your recovery. bc trust me, i was n o t  a v a i l a b l e. i spent a lot of my recovery playing 2048 at the same time as watching tv, bc doing both at once distracted me from how much the bandages itched.

thank you!! (i think this was in reference to getting top surgery!)

how shitty??????? yikes. i hope your supervisor has your back??? bc wow????

hey!!! thank you!!! i draw all my comics traditionally on paper! im not sure what you mean by the writing though? if you mean the word bubbles, i do those by hand on paper too!

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING,,,, im so happy ppl talk to me, but i get really nervous about saying the wrong thing. 

when i’m down, i usually crave validation. i like being reminded about things ive done right! i also like gentle reality checks, like, ‘hey: this is the situation, this is what we can do about it. ok? ok’

i unfortunately dont have any!! i had a couple at one point, but they’ve since been lost to the depths of my old laptop. and hey, thank you so much!!

now thats a nifty trick!! im terrible at telling all my white tablets from each other lmao

!!!!!!! ITS ME!!!!!!!!

maybe you just need some space? i know i sometimes temporarily block people i know, if i need some private space or if i dont trust myself to keep cool and solve problems constructively. do what you need to do to feel at ease, and go from there, ya know?

thank you!!!

its,,,, up somewhere above in this monster post lmao i,m so sorry,,,,

thank you so much!!!

WOW NO WORRIES??,,,,,,,,, INCREDIBLE 10/10???????

all four of these came right after i gave myself a hair cut and THANK YOU SO MUCH??? i live for validation and it feels so good to have my actions affirmed ;o;

[your-iron-lung]

Mixed Up 18 | Do You Feel It? |

Chapter Word Count: 3232

Pairings: Zoro/Sanji

Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance

Chapter Warning: Strong Language

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 , 17

Next Chapter: 19

Sanji didn’t know what to think.

Nearly every song that he listened to off of Zoro’s mixtape sounded exactly the same to him.

A few of them stood out as being distinct, but when he loaded the cd onto his laptop and opened it with his media player, none of the tracks were labeled. None of the artists were, either. Every song he tabbed through was by Unknown Artist off of an Unknown album.

Initially impressed by Zoro coming through on his word to supplement him with music, Sanji ended up becoming more annoyed than impressed when he realized Zoro had neglected to embed any specifics in his recommendations.

How was he supposed to ‘pick out something he liked’ if he didn’t know what it was he liked?

Even when Zoro was trying to help, he was, ultimately, rather unhelpful.

Sanji ended up having to jot down a few of the lyrics he could understand from the songs he did like and run them through Google to get the information Zoro had neglected to provide. He was bemused to find that one of them was by the Tralalaws; he was sure that would make Zoro angry somehow.

From there it was unclear to him what it was that kept him on Google, but Sanji spent the rest of his evening waiting for Nami to get in contact with him on the internet. He knew he should have been practicing, but the thought of touching Zoro’s guitar at the moment made him uncomfortable.

He started his night of internet searches with the Tralalaws, hoping to gain some more insight into the band Nami had invited him to see with them.

They had a website, but when he clicked on it, he couldn’t find any information about them that seemed relevant to him. Not that he knew what exactly it was he was looking for, but their website didn’t have whatever it was.

Wikipedia did, though.

‘The Tralalaws are a punk rock band formed by singer/lyricist/guitarist Trafalgar Law along with bassist Bepo, drummer ‘Penguin’, and guitarist Shachi.’

There was a picture of the band together on stage, and Sanji couldn’t help but notice how sickly the singer, Law, seemed to appear. More than anything, though, he appeared pissed off. The man’s eyes were full of a burning hatred that scathed him even though Sanji was merely looking at a picture of him.

He could hardly begin to imagine what he’d be like when they saw him live.

Sanji kept reading.

Career

‘The Tralalaws first album was described as the sound of a “violent, overblown and irreverent” punk band in a positive review in Pitchfork. The band then went on extensive tours of the East and North Blue continents to promote their album with The Mugiwara Menace, who performed as their opening act.’

Mugiwara Menace.

Sanji paused; wasn’t that the name of Zoro’s band?

He clicked the hyperlink and was greeted with a picture of Zoro’s angry face howling into a microphone to confirm that it was.

He’d found what he’d been subconsciously looking for.

‘The Mugiwara Menace were a punk rock band formed by guitarist/front man Monkey D. Luffy, bassist/singer/lyrcist/guitarist Roronoa Zoro, and drummer/backing vocals Nami.’

Were.

Nami had mentioned once somewhere before that they were no longer active as a group, but hadn’t supplied a reason as to why that was.

Sanji suddenly felt like he was sticking his nose into something he shouldn’t be, as though their history together as musicians was something private he ought to leave alone. Then again, it was on Wikipedia. It was public information he had every right to access; after all, none of them had ever told him explicitly not to snoop around.

Under their career section, he noticed that they’d put out a number of albums together before they disbanded, when something about one of them caught his eye.

‘The Mugiwara Menace’s full-length debut, Sink or Swim, despite gaining little attention from major critics, was well met with strong reception from independent critics. Dubbed by fans as the ‘Kuina album’, Sink or Swim gained positive reviews from Absolutepunk.net, citing singer Roronoa Zoro for having a “talent for creating lyrics and melodies that are simple and catchy, yet never forced or unintelligent.”

There was a name Sanji hadn’t seen before: Kuina. He had no idea what it meant for Zoro’s fans to call their debut album the ‘Kuina album’, but the name didn’t have a hyperlink affixed to it.

Contemplating quietly on the matter, he opened up a new browser tab to see what other internet sources might have to say.

Google didn’t help much when he searched for the name ‘Kuina’, but when he searched for Sink or Swim, it provided him with a Youtube link to the full album.

Without hesitation, he clicked it.

As the music began to play in his apartment, he sat back against the comforting cushions of his couch and focused on what he was listening to.

“I took a drive today; I thought about you. I thought about a friend who passed, and how much we just went through.”

The first thing Sanji noticed was how different this music sounded than from what he’d listened to previously on their Soundcloud. That had been uplifting and jaunty; complete with violin and more whimsical, almost tropical sounds. This was harder, heavier, and carried with it a more obvious punk sound. Zoro’s voice was gruff and almost hoarse, but it was his and it fit with the sounds they created.

“And if you’re scared of the future tonight, we’ll just take it each hour one at a time. It’s a pretty good night for a drive, so dry up those eyes, dry up those eyes.”

If Zoro really was the sole lyricist, then Sanji had to admit that he did have a knack for writing compelling lyrics. There was a lot of emotion in them; emotion that Sanji wanted to know the source of. From what little he knew of Zoro, this level of depth and complexity almost seemed to go against his character.

He sat forward again and began to scroll down some of the comments fans had left under the video.

‘This album is so good!

‘I know this is the kuina ALBUM, but whats the kuina SONG again??’

               Bartolomeo: ’59 sound! If u were a TRUE mugiwara fan u would have known that!! Filthy casual

Sanji took note of this comment and paused the video to see if the songs were labeled somehow.

Thankfully, they were, but the song mentioned in the comments didn’t appear to be on this album. He resumed the video regardless, letting the music surround him once again.

”Because the radio will still play loud, the songs that we heard as our guards came down. Like in the summertime when we first met, I’ll never forget, and don’t you forget: these nights are still ours.”

‘the kuina song is good but does any1 have a link to the tashigi song? My fave and I cant find it anymore!’

               Roronoa Zoro: don’t call it that.

Sanji’s eyebrows rose up when he saw that Zoro had actually replied to one of the comments. The comment thread had been made two years ago, but the fact that Zoro apparently even knew how to comment wasn’t what interested him; it was the fact that he’d bothered to comment at all that was interesting.

Expanding the thread, he saw that several people had provided the original commenter with a link. Some of the comments said that the band had taken the song down because of its affiliation with whoever ‘Tashigi’ was, and that Zoro didn’t want that association between them to exist. Fans still seemed to call it that regardless, though.

He clicked on a few of the links he saw, but a lot of them were dead. He’d have to remember to look into that later, however; he already had a lot he wanted to research that he needed to check out first.

“And I’m burning up the night she died; I’m putting every last picture aside. I’m gonna say what I need to say in my very last letter to you.”

Tabbing back into Wikipedia, Sanji continued to let the album play out as he navigated back to the bit about their first album.

‘Roronoa Zoro was given free reign as far as subject matter was concerned when writing Sink or Swim. It was theorized that Monkey D. Luffy gave him full creative control so Zoro would join the band, as he was more interested in working as a solo artist at the time. The album was created as a tribute to the singer’s late childhood friend Kuina, though he continued to write other songs about her later on in their career.’

Well, that was sad. Sanji wasn’t sure what to think about it, but was inwardly glad that it signaled Zoro’s ability to feel deep and long-lasting emotions. Not that that was what he wanted from him, but, it was nice to know.

Just in case.

“But I- I wish you knew her now; she’s a better side of me now, and I’m doing the best I can. It’s what you wanted.”

Sighing, Sanji checked his phone to see if perhaps he had missed any calls or texts from Nami, but saw that there were none. He didn’t want to bother her with his problems, but she had offered to at least listen to them. How much longer would he have to wait for her to get in contact with him?

Then again, she was probably enjoying herself too much to bother with him at the moment, anyway. Which was fine, of course; she had her own life to live without getting too involved in his.

“And the reasons always fade, and the pain gets out some day. So I’m saying my goodbyes to your deep blue eyes ‘cause I don’t know how to say, ‘Stay still in the pain. Stay still in the pain’.”

Switching back to the Youtube host of their album, he closed it without letting the album finished. Sanji no longer felt comfortable listening to something Zoro had created that was so personal to him, regardless of whatever public platform he’d chosen to put his feelings into. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, rubbing his forehead for a moment before he went and looked through some more of the comments fans had left on the video.

‘This was my first exposure to the band. I gotta say it isn’t really my favourite, but I can respect their sound. The vocals are REALLY rough, but the songwriting is good. The sound is not too hardcore, and it reminds me of late 80s/90s punk. I liked that not all the songs sound the same, since that is usually a problem in this genre. There is obvious musical talent in the band, but the vocals turned me off.’

Sanji laughed out loud as he read the review, equal parts relieved that he wasn’t the only one who was struggling with the fact that all punk music seemed to sound the same, and humored that the guy took issue with Zoro’s singing.

When he clicked the thread, a bunch of fans came to Zoro’s defense, arguing against the original commenter and trying to change his opinion. That was alright; it was good to know that he had a loyal fanbase that supported both him and the band he was creating for.

He let his laughter die off when one of his fans suggest that the original commenter take a look at Zoro’s personal Youtube page.

‘its different from the stuff he records with the mugiwaras. A lot of it is acoustic so u might like it better’

“Fuck,” Sanji muttered.

He didn’t want to pry any more than he already had, but the temptation to see what sort of content Zoro would be recording on his own was too great. Against his better judgement, he followed the link and was directed to Zoro’s personal Youtube page.

The profile itself was blank. There was no ‘About’ information filled in, and the last video that had been uploaded had been done roughly three years ago. He had tons of uploads that spanned over the many years he’d been actively uploading, each of them garnering over 40,000 views, which, in and of itself was impressive.

Sanji knew he was digging too deep into Zoro’s history; if he’d found out that Zoro or anyone else was doing the same to him, he would’ve been pissed. As he scrolled through the thumbnail previews, he couldn’t stop himself from clicking on at least one of the older videos.

True to the comment that had directed him here, the video only featured Zoro sitting on the edge of his bed with the camera focused on the acoustic guitar in his hands. His face wasn’t visible from the way he’d set it up, as he’d obviously wanted the primary focus to be more on the music than him.

“Well I wonder which song they’re gonna play when we go; I hope it’s something quiet and minor and peaceful and slow.”

His voice was a lot softer in this recording. It wasn’t gruff or coarse like it was when he sang with the Mugiwaras, and clashed with what Sanji knew about his rough nature. This was, as the opening lyric had suggested, a quiet song. A respectful song.

“And I wonder, were you scared when the metal hit the glass? See, I was playing a show down the road when your spirit left your body.”

A chill coursed through Sanji that made the hair on his arms stand up when he heard this lyric. He quickly checked to see what song it was he’d decided to click on and discovered that he’d landed upon an acoustic recording of The ’59 Sound.

The Kuina song.

“And they told me on the front lawn; I’m sorry I couldn’t go. But I still know the song and the words and her name and the reasons. And I know ‘cause we were kids and we used to hang.”

He was too invested in it now to close out of it. If anything, he felt it would be disrespectful to her memory if he did at this point.

“Did you hear the old gospel choir when they came to carry you over? Did you hear your favourite song one last time?”

Zoro’s prowess with the guitar was highlighted with the way he had the camera fixed. It focused solely upon the guitar, and the way his fingers ran across the fretboard to pick out the chords he needed was impressive to his untrained eye.

Sanji ignored the way Zoro’s voice shook when he reached the chorus.

“Young boys, young girls. Young boys, young girls. Well, you ain’t supposed to die on a Saturday night, ain’t supposed to die on a Saturday night; you ain’t supposed to leave my life.”

The rest of the song progressed along the same lines, repeating the chorus a few times before Zoro eventually slowed down until the song was finished. He stood up in the recording to turn the camera off, and then Sanji was left staring into the reflection the dark screen provided.

Feeling as though he’d done enough digging around into Zoro’s life for the night, Sanji shut his laptop down and then closed it. He set it aside on the coffee table and then stood up to stretch, deciding he really needed a cigarette.

He walked to the window that looked out onto the parking lot to make sure Zoro and Chopper weren’t out there before he went to put on his coat and step outside of his apartment.

It was dark out, but he wandered over to where a street light cast a bright light on the sidewalk before he lit up. He inhaled the smoke deeply, feeling the awful relief it provided him flood his body. In an instant, he was much calmer than he had been.

There was a lot he still didn’t know about Zoro, and of course he wanted to know all he could about the man, but in moderation, and at his own pace, and with Nami’s help.

As he exhaled the smoke he’d been holding in, he glanced at his car. He cast all his guilt and blame upon it, for it was, after all, the leading cause of how he’d become mixed up with Zoro in the first place.

“Goddamned Saturdays,” he muttered, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette.

A vibration in his pocket stirred him out of his thoughts, but when he pulled his phone out of his pocket, thinking it was Nami finally calling him, he frowned when he saw that it was Zeff instead.

He hesitated in answering, frowning at the shitty picture he had for Zeff’s contact as it appeared on the screen.

What the hell could the old man possibly want from him?

“What, calling to beg me to take my job back already?” Sanji said in lieu of a greeting as he answered the call. “It’s only been a week, shitty old man; don’t tell me the Baratie went down without me.”

He heard Zeff grunt, dismissing his insults easily without addressing them.

“No, you ungrateful little shit. You break your dumbass curse yet?”

“You’re actually calling to check up on me? I’m flattered,” he replied, taking a deep drag off his cigarette. “It’s also none of your goddamned business.”

“I’ll take that as a no,” Zeff said. Sanji bristled. “You get a hobby then?”

He wasn’t sure why, but the question made him hesitate. Technically, yes, he had picked up a new hobby in the week he’d been out of work, but it felt weird to claim it as his own. Sanji really only felt like he was borrowing it off of Zoro, like he wasn’t really putting himself into it, but was instead only doing it because Zoro liked it.

“I guess,” he ended up saying. The faux attitude he usually used when speaking with Zeff dropped from his tone. When he replied, he spoke quieter. “I made some friends.”

“Huh. That’s good. I been telling you to do that for years.”

“Fuck you,” he said, but there was no actual anger in his voice.

“Uh-huh. See you in three weeks, eggplant.”

Sanji pulled the phone away from his ear as Zeff hung up and returned it to his pocket. He absently wondered what Zeff would think of him if he knew the entirety of his situation.

“Probably wouldn’t give a shit,” Sanji said with a sigh. He knew he wouldn’t; it was only himself that was taking issue with it.

He kept on standing there smoking until he reached the filter. Casting it to the sidewalk, he stepped on it to ground out the ember before picking the butt up to throw away.

He wished that phone call had been from Nami, but Sanji knew that if she didn’t end up calling him tonight, then she’d likely do so first thing tomorrow. With another withered sigh he returned to his apartment and got ready to lay down. After all, he had to be well-rested in order to tackle the conversation he was going to have with Nami the next day.

[teesturtle]

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[consciousowl]

Why Smart People Believe Conspiracy Theories

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

~ President Abraham Lincoln

Recently, I cultivated friendships with several people I both admire and genuinely like. They are intelligent, well-educated and spiritual. These are not all aging men in their 50’s who have nothing better to do. To the contrary, they lead busy, productive lives. What they have in common is a deep conviction about conspiracy theories. Things have gotten out of hand. We can no longer trust the media, our elected representatives, large corporations, financial institutions or even our religious leaders. There is a Deep State from which President Eisenhower once warned us, impervious to the political process, who are in no way accountable to the public. I wonder how they reached that conclusion. Certainly, one has to question the continuing wiki leaks, the revelations of Edward Snowden, President George W. Bush’ handling of 9/11 and President Obama’s persistent waging of undeclared wars, using drones to bomb women and children. Yet why give carte blanche to wild conspiracy theories that disempower us all? The bottom line is that smart people believe conspiracy theories because the mainstream media are no longer credible.

How Mainstream Media Inspire Conspiracy Theories

If you track the ownership of newspapers, TV stations and book publishers, you will find that, in the last couple decades, there has been a mass consolidation. Just think of Time Warner merging with Turner. Then the acquisition of both by AT&T. If you look at the major book publishers, they have multiple labels, each with their own editorial staff. We are only talking a half-dozen megacompanies. Supposedly, they all have autonomy. But will the editorial board release any book incriminating to their parent companies? Likewise, the TV networks and newspapers, mostly online. During the Gulf War, President George H. Bush sold the media on censorship to enable a rapid end to the War. I remember watching on CNN the same loop dropping smart bombs on Kuwait day after day. The war did soon come to an end, but self-censorship became the norm.

How Alternative Media Fill the Conspiracy Gap

It used to be you would have a few wacky newspapers and magazines like the National Enquirer to entertain you. Nobody seemed to mind, as you didn’t see too many liable suits. Nobody really took those publications all that seriously. However, as the narrative of the broadcast media became increasingly repetitive, where journalists on one network did virtual lip synch with those of another, people began actively seeking other sources. With the emergence of Google, YouTube, Facebook and the various social networks, they didn’t have to look far. You could connect with people you didn’t even know and trade perspectives. Even though you usually had to give your real name, your contact information was under your control. You could echo and elaborate on the most fantastic stories, such as politicians and stars being modern day vampires with the blood of innocent children. You didn’t have to answer to an editor or producer. Facebook would throw you out only with the most flagrant abuses.

How Conspiracy Theories Get You Off the Hook

Conspiracy theories all share one thing in common, whether entailing shapeshifting aliens, the Deep State or the Super Rich (Less than one percent of us controls the wealth of at least 80% of humanity.). Someone, something or some group “out there” is doing you in. You didn’t ask for it. They concocted a malicious plot specifically to undermine you and your world.

Whenever you hear the question, “Who done it?”, or hear the statement, “THEY did ______ to _________,” you need to start asking questions. Isn’t it possible that “little old you” had something to do with it all? Did these public villains just spring out of nowhere to harass you? Do they have nothing better to do than make your life miserable? The more you agree with and entertain conspiracy theories, the less you need ever confront your own shadow. You can limit other people’s expectations of you by playing villain. If you can convince them to buy your theory, all the better. The last person to be suspect is you. After all, you came up with the theory, didn’t you?

How Far Out You Can Go with Conspiracy Theories

If you want to take a serious look at the possibilities, you may want to play the videos or read the books of David Icke, who has been at it several decades. Although David never finished high school, he is extremely bright and creative. With flashes of inspiration, he came up with the greatest synthesis of all. When you probe the Illuminati, and the endless reports of UFO’s, you can develop a Grand Conspiracy theory. Given the world is undergoing rapid change (just thinks of the impact of the Internet) every single institution in society is undergoing transformation: government, military, education, corporations and churches. You can look at this as a sustained collaboration toward a Satanic One World Government with mind control that makes George Orwell’s classic, 1984, look like child’s play. The President is in on it, the Pope, the Corporate Heads, the CIA and most certainly the Rothschild’s. Why try to fight it? The whole world is against you.

How to Take Back Your Power

As President Lincoln reminded us, you can’t fool ALL the people ALL the time. It is extremely difficult to pull off a conspiracy among even a handful of people. It becomes highly problematical when it is interagency, intergovernmental and interinstitutional. Somebody, somewhere is going to make a goof and blow the cover. You could step forward and demonstrate real courage. All these happenings occur within YOUR space. YOU are the one witnessing them. Not the guy or gal next to you. This is YOUR life. You just might have something to do with where you are. You could choose it the way it is, and then work from there. You could remember that you are inherently divine, that “He Who is within you is far greater than he who is in the world.” You have the power to wage love on the earth. That is what Buddha, Christ, Saint Francis, Gandhi and Martin Luther King were all about. You can choose to love your enemy until you literally have no more enemies. How to get started? It starts with the prayer of blessing. Since you are divine, you have the power to bless another. As you bless, they prosper, as you curse the wither. When you consistently bless the problem people in your life, even President Trump, or most especially, President Trump, your life and your world will undergo transformation. Only YOU can choose love over fear. We are all… all over the world, working for you, watching you become the hero and heroine you were meant to be.

The post Why Smart People Believe Conspiracy Theories appeared first on ConsciousOwl.com.

[semem-dar]

Hey guys, so i’m not sure how to format this, but i need somewhere to put this where i can get some help.

So, if you know me irl, or you read any of my more serious tags, you probably know that I’m disabled. I’ve been professionally diagnosed with a long list of things, no idea what i have and what was a misdiagnosis, no way to tell because symptoms between them overlap so heavily it could be either, or, or both. Who knows. The total list, as of this year is Autism spectrum disorder, major depression presenting with psychotic symptoms, generalized anxiety disorder, attention deficit disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, gender dysphoria, and two specific phobia: one of heights, and one of needles. All are under some form of medication or theraputic treatment, and have been for years, with only minor progress on anything but the PTSD, I am at least being kept out of crisis-mode and have not attempted suicide for almost a year, so it could always be worse.

The situation is, my family is pushing me to get a job. My mother is pushing the angle that its for my independence and self-esteem, my father is pushing the angle that its my responsibility. I recently turned 21, so i need to either find work, or get on disability and stop asking them for things. Either way, they have made it clear to me that it is unacceptable that i am 21 now and have no work history or source of income. The issues with this come in three flavours: i cannot drive, and i cannot care for myself without regular supervision, and i have little in the way of marketable skills or skillsets. Not to mention the standard mental illness difficulties.

The mental problems come in the standard “autistic with sensory issues” fare. I cant be around bright lights or loud noises, anything brighter than a fluorescent office light is too much, and even with those i often need sunglasses. Loud or sudden noises, anything above say, the level of a car-door shutting is too much and sustained sounds above the level of a printer are intolerable enough that i cannot think around them, freezing up or outright attempting to curl in and cover my ears/face/front and getting nothing done. Being allowed to wear noise-cancelling headphones helps, but muffles conversation to a point i cant understand others. Being around people for more than 4 hours a day, 5 if i push it and am willing to be irritable and upset for the rest of the day is my limit. I have difficulty understanding speech over digital media if i cant watch the lips of whoever is speaking, or be provided with subtitles or a transcript. Telephone-based jobs are right out thanks to this particular issue. I have difficulty holding attention, and cant process complex commands well, or deal with things that aren’t sequenced. I don’t deal well with other peoples emotions, and barely cope with my own. I cannot think of any job that would tolerate a worker like this in your standard retail/restaurant/gas-station entry-level, or anywhere that takes workers without a resume, or anything to put on one did they have one.

Driving, which requires many tasks (keeping track of your hands, both of your feet, the speed, the road lines, other cars, road signs, stoplights, the mirrors, the gas, etc), is impossible for me without risking my life or another drivers. I live rurally, and with no public transport to speak of in my area, I have to rely on my parents to get me places. Their schedules are rotating, and at odd hours of the day, and i have to budget for two hours around their schedules to get me to and from college. With the schedule i have now, and their schedules to work around, i cannot find any work during the week, leaving the few days of the weekend being necessary to find work on. But even this is limited, as I cant go far from home, and I still have to work around my parents rotating schedules since they frequently work weekends.

The usual recommendation at this point is to move somewhere with transportation, but here’s the real kicker. I cannot care for myself on my own. I cannot, on my own power, remember to eat, drink, bathe, or sleep properly. I cannot get my medications in without reminders and double-checks. I have difficulty with any amount of flexibility in a schedule, as i get lost when i cannot check either of my watches and know where i should be and what i should be doing, and will instead simply scroll through blogs or edit code or mod games for hours on end, doing nothing productive or useful. I cannot enforce a schedule myself, and any attempts at reminders through technology or mundane means have repeatedly failed. Ive utilized calendars, day planners, sticky notes, alarm clocks, watches, cellphone reminders, other people calling me to check if ive done something, and any other number of methods. Without another living being hounding after me to get something done, it slips my mind.

At this point, i’m  usually asked, in disbelief, how someone can forget to eat. It’s simple, i do not feel hunger until i am in physical pain from it, and often only eat one meal a day as a result of packing a meal and just, grabbing something out of the bag as i see other people eating. Often, this gets to a point where i forget to eat so long that i wind up in pain. This, as most people know, disinclines one from eating. You hurt, you’re tired, and you feel nauseous, you likely do not want to eat anything thanks to this, and simply want to go to bed. I have been hospitalized before for winding up in such a condition that i couldn’t stand thanks to this odd spiral of not eating. The same goes for drinking. I am lucky if i get more than 10 ounces of fluids in in a day separate from any snacks i might have shoved in a bag or pocket or other carry-able container. It is a wonder I am not sicker than i am regularly.

regardless, the point is made, i have extreme difficulty with remembering and motivating myself to preform basic daily activities, and will often do without to the point i sicken myself if left to my own devices. I assume it is like living with a large, depressed, child. I assume it is unpleasant, irritating, and difficult living with someone with these issues, and can think of no one who would willingly take care of someone they are living with to this degree short of a spouse or the parents of the person. Seeing as i am not exactly a catch for marriage given my life difficulties, lack of income, and lack of looks, and cannot live on my own, im rather stuck in a poor, rural area, with few job opportunities and  even fewer that wouldnt essentially be working in hell for someone like me.

Im certain, by this point, if youre still reading, you understand why im having difficulty finding a job i would want to put myself in, or even be able to tolerate. All of the career options ive considered, that i think i might be happy in, require a degree (which requires money we dont have, and years of student loans, and a job in the interim while you earn the degree), or are too far away, or require a cost upfront (such as starting a home business, or taking up a trade where you have to buy your own materials [any type of craft work]), or simply have skillsets that i can only do part of and would be incompetent to outright incapable of the rest of the skillset.

the longer I think about this, the more depressed and frozen i become, and the less and less it feels like i have any options. I’m at a point in my life where i have been unhappy and stressed and frequently outright suicidal too damn often, and i refuse to even potentially put myself in a place where i risk becoming that again. I dont know how to get past that and force myself to take a standard job. I do not know if i have any other options, with my lack of skills and mostly useless talents. I do not know how to run a buisiness, or have to cost for materials and real trainign needed to learn a craft, or the ability to run off my wn schedule that working from home would require.

i feel like i have no options. I do not want to continue this. I do not want to have no options. I do not want to be here. i do not know how to make this stop. i do not know how i can be 21 and be incompetent enough that i cannot find any sort of work i would be suited for. i do not understand how someone could end up with no motivation or skills or any amount of ability to make money. I do not understand. I do not know how to fix this. Threapy is not helping, medication is not helping, support (what little i can get of it) is not helping, i do not know how to become competent. i do not know how to become a person. i do not know how to get money at a price i am willing to pay or even can pay. I do not understand.

[in-paradox-space]

i didnt really spell or read through this

i just typed what i was thinking

and maybe ill read it again in a few years

you dont have to. 

you wont really get anything out of it

so this is my blog and i just wanted to post this somewhere

i met a girl last night

and I quite like her

i feel an infatuation for her, even now

she left at 8am, i didnt hug her before she left i mumbled a goodbye

it was pretty shallow

its been 15 hours since then.

its sad to think ill eventually move on.

i dont know why, i didnt expect I would, but i do really like her

and these are really basic feelings

a scenario everybody is in

i feel like i should acknowledge this should be embarrassing for me

to feel such basic mainstream feelings

but why should that be embarrassing 

am I above anybody else who feels basic feelings for situations we all end up in?

these feelings have been let out countless times, every single day, by countless masses

why should I bother to say the same things as everybody else in slightly different words?

I can’t stop thinking about her

I think she already has somebody

I don’t think she’s into me

far from it

she did some coce but I dont really touch it 

I feel like if I do it once the seal will be broken 

and I’ll end up throwing my money away and buying coce for everybody to share

I don’t even feel like it should be spelled that way. ‘Coke’ feels more natural. 

I’d really like it if she liked me. 

but I’ve felt that way about girls before

when I realize they do like me, I kind of back off and avoid them

this is probably the best relationship we will ever have

me seeing her maybe once every now and then whenever I destroy my brain cells with friends

just affectionately toying with the idea of me and her getting along

when im high with my friends, I can tell them all I love them and hug them 

and its cool

thats just what we all do, and we know its because were really high

but I couldnt do that with her

although I did only just meet her that night

I was very self aware around her

it would be nice if she didnt already have a boyfriend

and idk 

its not like i would want a relationship though

I know i would feel trapped within days

so why do I believe I want that before I get stuck into it?

shes depressed man

that will get annoying to me after a while

and she talks a lot

when the pedestal gets lower 

I will eventually be less and less interested in what she has to say

she will get clingy

and need more and more love 

I will have less and less to give

this is really fucking shallow

it will ultimately be bad

this is currently the best it will ever be

feeling affection from afar

unable to clear my mind of her

just hoping to be around her more

it feels much more warm and hopeful to want to be with her

if she expressed any interest in me, I’d lose my interest in her.

why is that?

Do I think of her as prey?

she shows flaws, but 

I want to say i dont see them as flaws

but what if I do 

im overthinking it too much

I told her to do some more ecstasy 

she didnt do much

she didnt want to and she was already doing coke

my other friend was doing everything, but hes just a machine

some organic mechanism which filters lethal drugs into nourishment

he never drinks water and eats maybe 4 slices of toast a day

i dont know how he does it but his skin is always glowing and he looks great

his health is pretty bad but hes been living this way for maybe 2 years

hes achieved unhuman things.

he also fucked her once

which may or may not have been in the air

and i think she didnt want to do any more ecstasy because she didnt want to be vulnerable 

and i think a part of me wanted her to be more susceptible 

it isnt really something I wanted to admit

I know that its really really easy to find this blog

not for friends and family

but it is generally easy to find it, and anybody can find it

but im not going to branch off into that

this is just where I try to be honest

and admit the things people would otherwise try not to admit to themselves

i cant remember how to describe it

but im working my way on a path to detach myself from my ego

i dont know if detatch or dissociate is the right word

im aware why i should still have an ego

but i just dont want my ego to take over who i am

i feel, if i have more control over my ego, i wont be as held back by self awareness and fear associated with my sense of self

this way there will be less things holding me back

because I look deep down at the source of a lot of my problems

and fear(or anxiety, which comes under fear anyway) is one of the sources of most or all of them

i dont have examples to mind right now

but being honest has generally helped me in many ways

now im trying to be more honest

to myself and to others, about myself

my true intentions for doing things

looking deep within and questioning if im really being honest with myself

how i truly feel

because really, ive realized, im trying to prove things even to myself

on a level of thought

its nice

different points in time are connected with different points in time and the spaces i was in in that time

and other components of the universe which are connected to those times

i dont know what those components are

subatomic thought and vibrations type shit

i should also point out i dont erase the things I type, as I type them

I just leave them there.

for authenticity or something along those lines

for the whole ego thing

and I feel a little better after letting this out here

because i no longer feel like im avoiding the thoughts of her

and ive said these things somewhere

so when im dead and gone, it will always be possible for humanity to know I thought these thoughts at some point

why is that comforting? 

I will be fine if we dont get together

i do hope there will be less awkward tension though

my friends, who invited her over, made it out like she was trying to get us together 

and that made me sort of nervous 

and then i think somewhere along the way, she didnt want that

and why would she? she has no idea who i am 

and idk man, shits awkward

they told her i said she was cute, when they was inviting her

but like, I never saw her until i met her

so that was a lie

and  i think that just added to the tension

and i think they suggested we hookup as a one night stand 

and i think we was both really uncomfortable with that idea

and worrying about if the other person wanted that or really didnt want that

fuckin

it is awkward

but i dont really mind right now 

as she came down from the coke

we lay in bed at 7am

very sleepily talking about anything

we watched a show 

its very irrational, i think it stems from paranoia but im not going to mention the specific shows and shit

it also doesnt feel irrational in my head

its not worth questioning anymore

i was slowly starting to hear the pleasant voices and feel the regret accompanied with ecstasy comedowns

we spoke about music 

jazz

i dont know a fucking thing about jazz but i do like it

because i know how much it influences other genres

the same way hiphop and rock influence other genres

and i like how its less about the specific timings and keys

more about feeling as you play

it could be an illusion but i think you can feel that in a lot of similar music

and she was edging towards doing another key

but she had to be sober for something later that day

its still unbelievable people spend that much on coke

is it worth it? 

its hard to tell

it lasted quite long considering there was 3 using it and how much they spent

but if they did it regularly it probably wouldnt have been so great

and she seemed to feel worse and worse

more, just unhappy as the morning went on 

and there was some awkwardness between us 

but it still felt nice to be around her

and again

this is really fucking shallow

it would be nice if they didnt try to set us up with each other

i think we couldve chilled with less tension

and MD makes me very paranoid

whenever im in another room i feel like theyre saying my name when theyre talking to each other

and its unlikely they are

but what if they 

theres always that chance

i think it will be nice to see her again, but start the night at the same time

without being fuckfaced

and know each other as friends

and just be able to hang out

and yeah, whether i do or dont lose interest

both ways will work out fine if we can get along

because she was pretty chill 

and when im high, or coming down and irritable

i think ill happily listen to her talk for hours and hours

we can play more games together

i can see how everything goes with her

maybe we will talk about this one night

and finally know what we was both thinking

i do care what she was thinking

i dont know if she was interested in what i was thinking

she did have some flaws

so does everyone

those flaws would eventually make me unhappy in a relationship 

id eventually be unhappy in a relationship with anybody

but maybe when were high we can do some regretful shit

if she did have a boyfriend

i think i heard she did at one point but it wasnt really confirmed

i hope that shit goes well

theyre probably more suited for each other

and i dont know what this is

or why at all im interested in her

i just never never ever ever am around girls now that i think about it

the last time I was around a girl was stupidly long ago

I dont even think it was 2017

and that day i didnt spend the whole day alone with her

ive basically been with guys this whole time

or just nobody

ive spent stupidly long amounts of times just alone, or with my dad

because i moved to the middle of nowhere for a while

i was only with my dad and his thot gf

i genuinely dont remember the last time i spent a day alone with a female

wow 

I guess there was one girl

i dont remember if it was 2015 or 16

she was ginger

and she was into gingers

and we did rly like each other

i made myself pathetic around her 

almost to suggest thats a desirable trait

and the moment we eventually kissed

it was awkward

and was not enjoyable

and we both lost interest in each other at that point

i think it was late 2015, i remember it being cold

but i was with blake late 2015

so it mustve been early 2015

wow 

ive been around girls after then

but it was just with other friends

and i have wanted to fuck them

but ive not really felt like this

i didnt want to fuck

i just wanted to stare at her tattoos

and her hair

and talk

and i just hope to spend another day with her

even if i dont

it doesnt matter

the world will keep spinning

i will keep living

until i die

and she will be happy with her boyfriend or she will find someone else

and do something else

and eventually die

and humanity will eventually die

and the world will keep spinning

until something big enough to stop it from spinning crosses paths with it

and the universe will eventually entropy into a complete balance

and everything that was done would have been done

and it will be final

its really shallow

but i like thinking about her anyway

and i like this feeling

and its like i dont want to stop typing this

because then im choosing not to feel like this

and i might miss a detail

and i will eventually forget that detail

and i want to read this back in years and remember everything

i hope she is doing okay in those years to come

and it will be nice if we still get along in those years to come

and if we are both healthy

and doing well

it would be nice

and again, its really fucking shallow.

but i am human

i am designed this way

and its nice to think about her

and knowing there is a good chance i will see her again

and be able to play games with her again

and get high with her again

and listen to her music again

it gives me something to look forward to

and im gonna leave you with that