#I can't tell if I'm bad at writing now or if I'm just depressed

[dyingswanpavlova]

@ Anyone reading, liking and commenting on my Salesman series

I said this a few times already, but I didn't make a post on it yet and right now I really feel like doing that. I'll be completely honest, I've been having (and still am having) a pretty rough time lately. I was always kind of melancholic, but a few years ago I was lively and got my life done somehow. But then I got really depressed and ever since that, I feel like I lost myself in the process. I'm not just saying that as a phrase, I mean it when I say; I lost who I once was. I got anxiety so bad, on some days I can't even order my food on my own. My life somehow deteriorated. I used to write a lot, when I was a teen, like really much. But these last few months and years weighed hard on me. And then, like maybe two weeks ago, I had this random idea with the reader getting attacked and the Salesman saving her and I thought, well, why not?

I cannot begin to describe what the sheer amount of love and positivity I have received ever since has done to me. I feel like I'm slowly learning how to piece myself back together, after living in my head for so long. Everyone, and I mean this, Every. Single. One of you is responsible for this and I will forever be grateful for every kind word, every comment, every like, every message and every smile you gifted me and still are. This whole series means a lot to me, because I feel like it's my comeback from death. I've grown to love the characters and I love bringing them to life in a way that heals trauma, as well as to maybe cause some on the way (It's still fictional and he is a twisted motherfucker, after all🤫), but what means far more to me are you, guys. Every single one of you. I can unabashedly and without any shame tell you that I really, really love you. Thank you. 🤍

(And no, it's not finished yet, before anyone panics, I'm currently working on Chapter 10!!!)

[non-un-topo]

Lately all I’ve wanted to write is dark stuff, but not in the fun way. I think it’s the mental illness acting up again.

[lautity]

response to ur tags abt grace getting over her purity issues. this got so long. im so sorry you don't have to read it all LOL. obvious cw for homophobia/internalized homophobia/religious guilt stuff

sometimes. i think i don't understand grace as a character at all. sometimes i think nobody does, including the langs. sometimes i think maybe this is because she's a character with a lot of complex motivations from a comedy series. so this is how i write her and how i choose to interpret her motivations. i would not say it's canon compliant so much as  vaguely influenced by canon and a choice reading of her as a super autistic lesbian w/ Problems. she's just like me fr

best place to start is probably w/ the fundamental basis of how evangelicalism keeps people in line, which is fear. grace acts the way she does because she's afraid of going to hell, and she tries to enforce that on everyone around her 'for their own good' so they don't go to hell. she justifies everything she does by blaming other people or finding a way to rationalize it as 'good', because she is scared. everything starts w/ that

i'm not convinced that she knows why she believes what she believes. she pushes back against attempts to confront her faith + refuses to consider them, deflects and moralizes but cannot actually argue her side because she doesn't know why sins are sins, just that they are, and that makes them bad.

she is so repressed. repression concentrated. she behaves as she does in a zealous attempt to bury herself and her desires and the sin she was born with under meticulous layers of Good and Godly acts. it doesn't matter if people don't like her, as long as she follows the rules. easy, simple guidelines that prevent her from becoming a monster, from acting on base urges, from dooming herself. i don't know if her strict adherence is so much a love and trust in god as it is a mortifying fear of what would happen if she stopped holding those standards as the primary guide for her life. 

this is... basically idolatry, because she holds her purity/chastity above all else. preserving her virtues is the most important thing, her ticket into heaven, her key to god's good graces, what makes her so ideal. she worships the concept of being good more than the deity who wills her to be. she wants to be perfect. she has to be perfect. god wouldn't choose anyone less than that for her task. she's special, she's chosen, she's god's personal elect to save the souls of hatchetfield.

she needs to believe that she is special. if god loves her then everything shes ever done, her loneliness and her fear and all the hate she's put into the world, those are all justified by a greater purpose. she isn't just an unlikable person. her horrible thoughts are a test, and she's passing, and any day now god will whisk them away and she'll be free to live the life laid out for her. she's always been praised for her obedience and her servitude, for resisting her vices, for sacrificing her agency and her privacy and companionship and her self-worth to be clean. she's so tired of losing pieces of herself. she doesn't feel any better. she doesn't feel like someone cares about her. but she has to keep trying.

as she gets older i think she gets worse. as mental illness and weird lesbian thoughts tend to. resultingly she gets More Intense about her proselytizing, simultaneously w/ her peers getting More Judgmental, and it's just this miserable feedback loop for her. she tries harder and they bully her more and she has to rely further on her only comfort. everything sucks, and everyone hates her except god, and all she can do is the same thing as ever in the hopes that, eventually, repenting will work and the plague of sin she's enduring will finally end. she's scared that it never will. she's scared that she's stuck like this forever. obviously in her mind so much as kissing a girl would be a grievous act of assault, so the bar is super low even before she starts dealing with more intrusive thoughts and unwanted desires.* and it isn't even necessarily an empathy thing, not wanting someone else to feel pain, as much as it's a fear of what it says about grace if she's capable of inflicting it. if she does it once she can do it again, if she does it again she'll never stop, and then she'll go to hell. the only way to stay good is to never let herself get even close to what she wants

*and she often can't tell the difference. sometimes there is no difference. she wants things, but she has no way to rationalize it or justify it, no framework to place it in. so it just torments her.

so. what do we have. girl who is haunted by her own thoughts and desperately pouring herself into her religion to try and counter them. using her faith as a way to purify her soul over and over until the stain is gone. girl with no friends and no prospects and no community outside of her church. steadily getting worse. doubting if the things she reassures herself with are true.

fundamentally, i think there are two scenarios that will cause her to "sin" (on purpose/voluntarily)

A) a realization that she's been lied to or mislead, spotting the dissonance between the actual teachings of the bible and how she's been taught to treat people, or generally pulling at a thread that unravels what she's been indoctrinated into

B) something convinces her that she's already irreversibly damned

these don't necessarily lead to her deconstructing her purity culture mindset, but they do lead her to do things she would initially have refused on the grounds of her faith.

jerries in AC resemble situation A; they cause her to doubt the people she had placed on a pedestal as Good and Faithful and Pure. they're hypocrites. her conclusion here is that she can only trust herself not to sin; she's clearly the only one capable of resisting. reaffirms that she's special to god and that she's been singled out, maybe lets her think that she personally has more leeway in terms of sin because she's doing it "for the betterment of the collective".

but. right. we aren't making her kill (or threaten to kill) people, we're making her a dyke. i think A is generally the preferable direction to go in for most holyphone stuff. getting over her Issues particularly w/ being gay likely only happens after she's out of hatchetfield/away from her family. when i pitch it happening in a npmd-y timeframe/during highschool, i usually throw out:

classic 'befriending queer people and realizing they're not monsters'. genuinely meeting ppl who have been demonized and realizing they're Just People is so vital to deprogramming

other classic 'having a conversation w/ another religious queer person who tells her things she's desperately needed to hear'; particularly if she's already done something and is regretting it

religious figure/someone she trusts deeply being outed as a sinner (i.e. the jerries) + shaking her faith in the people who raised and taught her

doing something comphet-y and being like holy fuck i can never do that again, abort plan, mission 'just try to ride it out' failed, need to consider other options

traumatic event or tragedy makes her realize she is not actually special or protected and that she's basically just been lucky her entire life and she is still very much mortal (near death experience? losing a loved one? something she thinks god shouldn't allow happens? idk)

encountering some sort of magic in hatchetfield that she cannot attribute to the christian god (i think she's already inclined to believe stuff like this based on what she says in the waylon house)

having any sort of queer mentor (girl jeri miss holloway. maybe alice woodward could work. the lib would be funny. you can kill for us but you will not do it with homophobia in your heart.)

she's never really had any actual reason behind it other than 'god says', so i think once she's actively questioning her beliefs/if what she was raised with is truly god's will, one of the first things to crumble is the idea that being gay is a choice (it certainly doesn't seem to be for her, because god knows she's tried to choose otherwise) and that it's inherently sinful. it becomes "being gay is wrong [only when grace does it]", which is a marginal improvement.

she sort of views herself in an 'abhorrent admirer' type frame; she's been told that lesbians are not only dangerous, but also universally ugly and desperate and just can't get men. even if it isn't a sin, it's still something to be ashamed of. even once she starts doing like. gay things. she's still constantly constantly fighting the "this is gross and i'm disgusting for doing/liking it" response. the "i'm actually hurting this person, and also i'm responsible for the sin they're doing rn" hits sometimes as well. she has to go really slow and she needs a Lot of reassurance. steph can fix her. trust

i'm not usually a canon timeline guy but i do think quite a few people have written pretty compelling stuff for post-npmd/lib-influenced grace ending up w/ steph. its awesome when they kill men together and we need more of this always

the situation i pitch post-burnerphone lautity in is scenario B (grace is convinced that she's already damned) compounded by major depression. my insanely ooc wip beloved.

conclusion i truly don't know why it's harder to justify this character kissing a girl than actually killing people. that doesn't seem right. especially because she really wants to kiss girls and doesn't particularly want to kill people. sigh.

i cant believe we havent talked abt lautity at all....they're like my thing...... i offer you my insane obscure post burnerphone dynamic for them ↓

i have thoughts abt steph being like. can i ever be satisfied with this normal extremely vanilla life. grace is sweet, and steph likes her, but also the total whiplash from her last long term relationship being this fucked awful thing makes it hard to. relax. girl who has forgotten how to be normal. and grace obviously doesnt know what healthy dating is like so there's the constant overarching what if i'm accidentally overstepping + being super fucked up to this girl who has 0 basis to recognize a toxic relationship. again w the ruined for other people, doesn't even know what functional looks like, doesn't know if she'll ever be capable of it again. thanks, lex!

also worried abt eventually having to explain the scars and the rehab and the lex situation in general. it's like. grace is clearly too nervous to do it early on, but one day she Will ask. and once she knows she'll obviously think it's all gross and scary and leave. steph is sort of trying to ride it out. the 'do nothing and hope it never comes up' approach. but she's worried abt it + feels like the end of their relationship is inevitable because of this secret she's keeping + generally just feels really gross about it all. chat does she know (grace is having a completely separate solo crisis over sadistic thoughts she doesn't understand) (girl who has not so much as imagined the concept of bdsm) (0 idea why she's suddenly attracted to scars) (they are extremely compatible but deeply unaware of it/convinced the other is going to think they're a freak)

^ both of them lol. ok. sorry. ive written So Much about this it's actually embarassing. apologies if its wildly ooc. im just a little silly abt them hopefully you can see the vision. totally understandable if not. sighhh

can i be so honest with you i wasn't. Super big on lautity before this. i mean i LOVED them in theory & definitely do think grace has feelings for steph in every possible universe, especially in ac dear god, however. i never really thought grace would be able to let go of her puritan ideals & actually let herself love steph. but fuckkkk holy fuck. Okay

the whole. both of them thinking "oh god she can Never find out i'm a freak or else she'll leave me" is soo delicious. also SADIST grace i'm SORRY yes please. hello. fucking dies???????

lex having "ruined" steph & then this sadistic churchgirl with pigtails & clips in her hair comes along like ohkay this is an entirely new LEVEL of fucked up. jesus

i think steph just needs a little bit of order. not peace. just structure, and honesty. and god can grace help her with that.

[kushnovice]

Be Mine Again

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x ex! reader

Synopsis: Reader and Bucky have been broken up for a short time, fighting often and rarely seeing eye to eye. Bucky starts to fall into a bad mental space while a mission goes wrong.

wc: 2.8k

Warnings: fighting of all kinds, bucky being depressed and cold, angsty at the beginning, blood, choking, Zola being sadistic, not the best. if i made any mistakes please lmk :)

AN: Female reader, angst with little comfort (yet), lots of mistakes, self indulgent, it sucks but i had fun making it so i hope some people enjoy it. if so I'll write a part 2

"I broke my rules for you! I bended my morals for you, again! I had to change everything I believe in, yet again!" She yelled out at the tall and broad man in front of her as his hand tightened against his glass of ice water, jaw clenching.

The kitchen of the Avengers Tower was very cold and filled with tense air, thick enough to cut with a knife. Bucky deeply groaned as he placed his glass onto the table with a loud thud, "I never asked you to do that. I never asked you to care about me, you did that all yourself." Bucky's hand ran up into his hair showing how stressed out he is at the moment, he had never been one to enjoy fighting, actually he hated it. Almost as much as he hated her."Don't you care about me? About us?" She questioned with a huff as her arms swung to her hips. "Truth is," Bucky stood up, slowly walking toward her with each word, "I'm tired. So fucking tired of you that you always have been nothing more than an obligation." Bucky's lip raised in a scowl. The hurt was written on her face but immediately gone as she grumbled and pushed Bucky back by the chest. "I'm done helping you." She sucked in a breath, "Did it ever occur to you that your hurting me or are you just that selfish and arrogant?"

Before she could react, his glass that was once on the table was now shattering against the wall on the far side of the room as he stormed off quickly, slamming the door shut in the process. Bucky made his way through the winding hallways with his fists clenched tightly to the point his knuckles were white. He couldn't stand when she would act like this, after everything they had been through together, she had promised she would stay no matter what. She was always just like the others, except Bucky couldn't get her out of his mind.

Bucky swings open Steve's door and slams it behind him as he paces back and forth through Steve's room. Steve sighed as he placed his book to the side on his bed and looked at Bucky. "What happened this time?" Bucky groaned deeply, "I told her about the mission we are going on later this week and she flipped out on me." He grabbed a workout dumbbell off the ground and started to work out his human arm by doing bicep curls. "She keeps telling me that she can't deal with me trying to track down and kill every single person that was ever or is currently apart of Hydra, that this mission we are going on is a trap." His breath becomes uneven as says breathy words under his tongue as his annoyed attitude has not faltered in the slightest. Steve rolled his eyes at the drama going on between the not so couple right now. "You do realize that she's scared of losing you, especially more since she's already lost you as a partner." Steve sighed deeply, being the person that both of them had come to confide in about their problems. "And with the Hydra thing, it's tricky because I know you want to move past it, and it was such a hard time of your life but there are better ways to grow past it, Buck." Steve talked softly as his kind blue eyes pierced through Bucky, hoping he would accept his words of advice but seeing how Bucky was instantly throwing the weight around as if it weighed nothing due to his anger, Steve knew Bucky wasn't truly hearing him.

Bucky dropped the weight at Steve's words, "Better ways, huh. there're better ways for everything but does that mean it's always achievable? No." Bucky looked at Steve almost desperately, "I don't want to lose her but if I don't do this, I feel like I might lose myself." Bucky sighed as he looked at the weight on the ground before picking it back up again. "What's rule number 3, Buck?" Steve asks knowing how Bucky's rage and trauma is having a profound impact on his own mental health. "What would they think about you after you murder them all?" Steve questions, knowing that if Bucky were to kill them then people would believe that Bucky was the Winter Solider still, or just a cold killer."Who cares, they took everything from me. They took me away from myself." Bucky stormed out of Steve's room in frustration and made his way to his room with loud footsteps as he carried his empty duffle bag.

Bucky's mind was whirling with angry thoughts about how no one understands him and the one person that did, was no longer a happy part of his life. He angrily shoves his clothes and weapons as well as his dog tags and anything else he would need into his duffle bag. Bucky fit everything he needed perfectly into his duffle bag and sat it by the door before he slouched down onto his bed. He rubbed his temple as he exhaled a deep sigh, wishing he could understand life like he did back in the 40's.

"If you feel it so necessary to risk your life so that you can battle an internal fight, then I'm coming too." She swung the door open as she placed down her duffle bag with confidence and stubbornness. Bucky groaned and ran his hands through his hair again, stressed out, knowing that she won't back down. "If you keep doing that, you'll go bald before you're ancient." She giggled snarky as Bucky narrowed his eyes at her seriously. "If you're coming, you're staying in the plane. Eyes in the sky." She rolled her eyes but stayed silent knowing that putting up another fight was worthless.

They made their way to the airplane with slow steps as the tension around them stayed present even in the silence as they walked feet from each other. Bucky's eyes were unable to focus on anything other than her, her hair, her body, her clothes, the way she held herself. He knew he shouldn't think about her like this after their no so soft break up but he couldn't help himself. He was snapped out of it when Steve talked to him on the plane, "Buck, why is she joining us?" He asked as he looked at her getting comfortable in a seat on the plane as if it was her mission to be on. Bucky sighed, "I didn't want to fight her anymore. She will stay on the plane the whole time." Steve nodded in understanding, "We got this." Bucky chuckled, "As long as you don't blow the whole thing trying to 'save the world'" Steve chuckled along with him. The plane ride was silent as they quickly made it to the main hydra headquarters with Steve occasionally talking about the mission and the plan.

When they arrive at the place, Steve and Bucky easily jump out of the plane, landing exactly where they needed too to be at the top of the Hydra roof. She got comfortable on the plane with the coms on, cameras on, and trackers on but she couldn't settle the anxiety creeping up her spine. She tried to push it down as she figured that since she was watching and listening to them and that nothing would go wrong. That's what she had wished for, but not all dreams come true.

After the two men had entered the building, an alarm went off causing the rooms to blare nosies and lights to shine red and white in an emergency. They quickly move to the wall, Bucky had his gun up as his eyes glared through the top of the barrel with intense focus as he lead them through the hallway while Steve had his shield up as well as his arm to help brace himself for any situation that could happen. The lights continued to strobe with the blaring alarm as they swiftly and quietly made their way through the headquarters. As Bucky rounded a corner, there was a Hydra solider waiting for them. He fired his gun quickly multiple times causing bullets to go into his shoulder, his arm, and his stomach. Steve quickly threw his shield at the Hydra solider causing him to go unconscious and drop to the floor with a thud. "Buck?" Steve turnt around quickly as he grabbed Bucky's shoulders to help him stay up as he is loosing a lot of blood.

"What's going on?" She asked through the coms as the anxiety in her stomach started to bubble up yet again. "Why aren't you guys moving?" She impatiently waited for an answer as she tapped her fingertips against the desk, staring at the screen of their tracker and trying to find them on the camera system. "Everything's fine," Bucky growls out in a snap. Over the coms she can hear Steve groan, "Bucky got hit, three times." he explains to her and while his words are processing, her heart beat increases dramatically. "I'm fine." Bucky growled out as he continued to make his way down the hallway with Steve closely behind him. She watches as the dots move slowly down the hallway on the tracker, Her anxiety roaring.

Suddenly the screen starts to glitch out, becoming unreadable entirely. She began to panic internally as she starts to talk on the coms, "what's goin' on?" She asks to no response but loud sounds like a frequency is blocking communication. She groans deeply as her anxiety is coming up through her stomach and settling at her chest as she makes her way up and slings a gun around her torso to make her way out of the plane which is now landed at the waiting point. She runs through the clearing and gets to the door, trying to open it to no avail, she uses her body weight next to slam against the door, again to no avail. Sounds of yelling and screaming stop her in her tracks as the anxiety now feels like an elephant sitting on her chest. Looking around, she spot a window and she uses the back gun barrel to break the glass, making sure it's safe before she climbs inside. When she gets inside it is dark and eerily quiet, she cautiously take slow and soft steps and she keeps her gun up on guard as she search's for Steve and Bucky. She shoves open a door which reveals a pitch dark room, She is hesitant to go in until She hears Bucky whimpering in the darkness. She quickly makes her way inside, "Buck?" She whispered as the door shuts behind her, she hears the door click causing her to turn back to the door to see someone outside the door flick the lights on to reveal Bucky on the ground bleeding out from multiple injuries, she ran up to him immediately.

"Oh Buck..." She sighed deeply and she glare up at the person behind the door. The mysterious person presses a button with a smirk before they turn and makes their way out of eyesight from her. She hears a hissing sound causing her to look up to see a gas coming out of a huge vent in the room, the barley visible smoke filling the floor as it causes Bucky to cough an incredible amount and making his injuries worse. The smoke filled the room and eventually her lungs as she can feel the smoke burning her airway. She coughs violently in sync with Bucky, trying to stay conscious and aware but it becomes more challenging as the world starts spinning and her eyes get heavier. Bucky suddenly stops coughing causing her to know that he fell victim to the gas, she tried to fight it as long as possible as she held herself up against a table but still inevitably fail as she fell to the ground with a loud thud as she went unconscious.

When she woke up, everything was groggy and the room is spinning and her chest feels heavy with more than just anxiety. She groaned out in pain when she turn to look around to see her hands and legs tied up to the arms and legs of a chair while she was also tied around the torso. Turning her head, she saw Bucky sitting there tied up the same as her, him still unconscious though. "Bucky!" She whisper shouted trying to get him awake, whispering his name loudly multiple times in hopes of him waking up. "Bu-" She gets interrupted by the sound of a door opening causing her to fall silent as she watches the darkness to see someone emerge from it. "Well, Well, Well. Look what we have here. The world's most dangerous assassin..." The person walks towards us to reveal its Zola dressed in his white coat. "And his little toy." Zola smirks at us. "What do you want with us? Bucky isn't under your control anymore." She speaks deeply and firmly even through the anxiety and fear that is ever so present. Zola chuckles at her question as he leans down and grabs Bucky's unconscious face, holding his face up by the chin, his fingernails digging into Bucky's cheek, leaving red to glow off of Bucky's face. "I want him." Zola lets Bucky's face go with no regard for him. His head falls back down as Zola shifts his attention back to her. "I can't have him with you around. With you here. He has something to fight for." Zola leaned in close enough to her face that she could smell him the smell of rubber and overpriced Calonge on his body, he smelt like fake money. "I'm going to make him lose everything. Anything he loved or ever will love in the future, I will destroy."

Zola pushed some of the hair that had fallen in front of her face behind her ear, "And that starts with you, Darling." Zola had a maniacal smile on, his twisted face that contorted the anxiety in her stomach from anxiety into fear and anger. Her anxiety and fear had instantly turned into rage as Zola kept speaking, her jaw clenching and veins popping out of her neck and forehead. "I'll kill you." Her voice growls deeply with hatred as she struggled against the restraints roughly with harsh movements. Zola couldn't help the chuckle that escapes his lip. "Or you'll die trying, sweetheart." He exclaimed with a smirk on his face, "You'll be fun to play with." Zola runs his fingers softly down her face as she holds a scowl and her eyes bore into him with rage.

A soft voice croaks out, "Don't touch her..." Bucky's horse and rough voice speaks out as he raises his head to assess the situation as the gas wears off. Zola smirked as he trailed his fingers down her face and down her jawline and to her throat where he roughly grabs it with a tight grasp causing her to gasp out at a loss for air. "You take orders, Soldat. You don't give them." Zola says as his dark eyes meet Bucky's whose eyes are dark and cold, his glare unwavering as his jaw clenched. Bucky thrashes around in the restraints, easily breaking out as he saw you under Zola hold, anger filling his body with red heat as he stands up in front of Zola, dark eyes that would send shivers down the body of a normal person. "Let. Her. Go." Bucky's rough voices speaks out firmly as he towers over Zola, he smirks as he lets go of her but reaches into his pocket and injects Bucky with a syringe causing Bucky to be disoriented and out of it as he stumbles backwards. "Stay away from her!" He yells in frustration as he tries to move close to her despite the drugs and ultimately failing.

"Bucky! Stop trying to save me. They want you." She speaks out firmly through her coughs and deep breaths. Bucky growled at her statement, "I will never stop fighting for you, defending you, protecting you. Over my dead body will I let you get hurt." Bucky's deep voiced traveled through the room as it sent shivers down her body. Zola moved to Bucky, grabbing him by the back of the neck like a kitten and forces him down to the ground as he digs Bucky's head into the ground before quickly chaining him up, Bucky being easier to restrain with the drugs in his system. Zola squatted down to make eye contact with Bucky, his eyes digging into Bucky's with determination. "I will destroy you. You'll be mine again."

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not having time to read my mutual's writing?

Met a mutual on here, bonded through fanfic, have been tight with them for a few years with pretty much no bumps in the relationship, just overall had a really good time hanging around them when I could. We both write a lot and share our writing, and occasionally we talk about that writing/workshop it in passing.

In the past few years I've gone through a ton of life changes. Most notably I went from a multi-person household to a single-person one, and I've been living alone in a prohibitively costly city for a while now working 40 hour weeks and barely scraping by. As soon as the transition started I spent the last of my free income on a shitty little laptop so I could still write, putting down words on my bus/train commutes in the morning and quite literally writing on my breaks at work because I feel insane when I can't create. I bring this up to really stress that I don't have the time for the hobby, I force myself to make the time and even then it never feels like enough.

The only thing I can really stand to do with my 3 hours of free time at night is hang out with my moots online. I'm an extrovert so being around people recharges me. If I don't have designated social time I get super depressed and can pretty much feel my soul withering away. I also feel like I should probably mention that I kinda have a slew of mental issues, personality disorders and PTSD and AuDHD and the works. Point being, shit is rough my dude, but I am a person who likes to work hard and face challenges head on and even though we strugglin, we doing it with a positive outlook.

But! I am an incredibly solution-oriented person and I have found what I personally believe to be a good balance. No one should have to live like this, but I do, and I have found a way to be happy. My writing and my social time is all load-bearing. It is not something I just choose to do on a whim, it's all planned and scheduled and I adhere to those routines very strictly because, I cannot stress this enough, I will go fucking bonkers if I don't.

I'm mutuals with a lot of writers obv, and I sadly don't have time to read their work anymore, unless I get some extra time on my days off or something gets cancelled or like, I end up taking a vacation. I carry a great amount of guilt for this, though, even though I logically know it's reasonable. I try to support them where I can, cheer them on when I see them writing and tell them how cool their ideas sound, hype them up even when I can't actually read & review.

One of the things I do is sometimes I leave a kudos on fic I haven't read. I'm not trying to be ingenuine, and if they asked me I'd tell them like 'Oh I didn't read it yet, just wanted to show support!' but to me it's kinda like ripping a paper tab off a poster so that other's feel inclined to do the same. Plus my pals get a little email and a hit of serotonin.

Except one of my acquaintances, the one I mentioned at the start here, saw that I left kudos on a couple pieces another mutual of mine wrote this year. They more or less blew up my DMs with a ton of accusatory (like, literally presented like a 'GOTCHA!') stuff about how I was selective in who's fic I read, more or less implying that I secretly held some sort of grudge or negative feeling toward them and was making the conscious decision not to read or interact with their writing because of. Something, I don't actually know what they were trying to say. They also told me they vented to their friends about this MULTIPLE times, but they never once approached me to let me know they were feeling paranoid or neglected, they literally just took the most bad faith reading of it possible and then presented that to me like it was something I intentionally did, while the whole time I was unaware.

I tried to explain to them the kudos thing, that I didn't do it to every story, just ones I caught/noticed in my busy schedule. And I laid all this out and asked, multiple times, what free time am I supposed to read with? They didn't answer, and doubled down, kept trying to show me 'proof' that I was shorting them and no one else. Once they started to realize how wrong they were they backed down, but they didn't really apologize, or admit they were wrong, and they tried to end our relationship and left every single server we were in together. Because of some other unrelated stuff going on in my life, I didn't really consider them to be a close friend, but they were someone I really held dear and would've walked through hell for if they'd asked.

I still feel like there is something I'm missing here, and that's why I wanted to ask if I'm TA. I'm a pretty good communicator but one of the things I told myself when talking down my disordered thoughts (guilt about this prior) was "no one in their right mind would use reading fanfic as a metric for friendship." Now that I've had that exact thing happen, I'm starting to think maybe those thoughts weren't so disordered. Maybe this IS a big deal, and I should think about it more, but I don't even know what the solution to that would be. I just. Don't have time to read something lovingly crafted and appreciate it for what it is. All the hours in my week are used up, I'd have to lose sleep for this and with my mental health the way it is that is not an option.

Feel free to be a brutal, my skin is thick. Thanks!

What are these acronyms?

[creepswrites]

i've been dealing w/ a lot lately and wanted to write something nice so. enjoy.

SLASHERS w/ A GN! S/O WHO IS DEALING WITH DEPRESSION & ANXIETY

MICHAEL MYERS

"I just don't feel like doing anything..."

Michael gives you space if you ask for it but will still stand and watch you from the corner of the room

He's not the most outwardly affectionate person but you can tell he's worried when he comes over to squeeze your wrist once or twice

And you can tell he's worried sick when he points at the television as an invitation to watch a movie with him

He'll let you cuddle against him and he plays with your hands or hair and actually does hold you back

(It's not that he's NOT affectionate, just not usually like this)

The two of you can spend all day watching silly tv shows and movies to make you laugh

Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.

LESLIE VERNON

"Oh my god, Leslie, I think I'm having a panic attack."

Your hands are shaking so bad, you're sweating cold, and your vision is starting to get spotty as he hurries over to catch you

He rocks you through it, sits you down on the floor, and keeps you close to his chest while running his fingers down your arm or through you hair

Leslie's voice is soft and grounding as he tries to talk you back down

When you're finally able to breath again, you break down into such guttural sobs that he just holds you and rocks you gently

He lets you stay over at his house, you two get your favorite for dinner, and he reminds you that if you ever need to talk, he's there

After watching a movie, you talk to him about it. About how everything feels so overwhelming, how you feel helpless and out of control, and how you feel alone. He listens, really listens. And right now, that's all you really need: to just talk it out with someone

Even the darkest hour only has 60 minutes.

STU MACHER & BILLY LOOMIS

"I feel like everything is going wrong."

Stu happily listens to you vent about your problems and tries to drag you out on walks or to see movies or something

Definitely the type of guy to take you to amusement parks to give you constant dopamine hits

Billy, in contrast, will give you solutions to your problems and gives you space

He's not the most emotional guy so he tries to give you space to sort out your thoughts

So you've got a good balance!

Whenever they catch you starting to spiral again, Stu will go grab you a drink or a blanket while Billy tries to talk you down, reminding you that your problems are temporary and you will be okay

You've survived everything up till this point. You will continue to survive.

VINCENT SINCLAIR

"Do you hate me?"

Honestly, Vincent is surprised you could even think that!

But he understands how your mind works at this point so he takes you aside and opens the floor for you to talk

Everything just spills out. Small things he may have done on accident that just began to pile up, larger things that have just added to weighing you down, everything

Anyone else would think you were blaming him for your problems but he didn't see it that way. He saw you finally cracking and asking for his help to fix things

He can't magically solve everything for you but he supports you, showers you in hugs and kisses, and starts talking to Bo about maybe driving you out of Ambrose every so often to see someone about your mental health

You're grateful for his help. Everything feels so much less overwhelming when you have someone to hold hands with while you try to get help

Small, baby steps each day add up to huge, giant leaps over time. Don't give up.

LESTER SINCLAIR

"I think everyone hates me."

Lester's head snaps around and catches you staring down at your phone with wet, sorrowful eyes

You break down when he hugs you, spilling everything about a fight with your friends that left you scared. Not sad - scared

That's what sets off alarm bells in his head. He puts your phone aside and listens to you talk, vent, cry, anything you need

You're afraid. Afraid of what your friends said, worried about what they might tell others, and a petrifying anxiety that you'll end up alone

But Lester reminds you if they do that, then they were never really your friends to begin with

He peppers your face in kisses and reminds you that, no matter what, he will always love and care for you. Even if the whole world was against you, you'd always have him Jonesy comes and sits in your lap, licking your face and hands as she tries to smother you in her love as well!

Don’t dwell on those who hold you down. Instead, cherish those who helped you up.

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

Indefinite hiatus

I was toying with writing up a long post about what running this blog has meant to me over the years and why I'm stepping away for the foreseeable future, but that feels too dramatic for what's really just me saying "I'm not going to be on tumblr for at least the rest of the year". So, I'll just say I'm not going to be on tumblr for at least the rest of the year.

Okay, actually I have a bunch more to say, but it'll be under the cut.

Politics sucks. And paying attention to it, even in the reduced way I've been paying attention to it over the last few years, is hard. You end up spending so much of your supposedly free time thinking about things you can't change, getting mad about things you can't change, and getting depressed when the people who can change things just keep going in the wrong direction. Even when good things happen, it's just a matter of a few days before something bad happens once again. And vice versa. It's an endless cycle of hope, despair, resignation. Rinse and repeat, and triple speed that cycle during an election year. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of spending every other year worried about what's going to happen on one day in November. I'm tired of hearing a piece of news and automatically composing a post about it or running through 20 different responses I might give to asks I might get about it in my head.

Everyone I know who doesn't pay attention to politics (or at least doesn't run a social media page dedicated to it) seems to enjoy their live a lot more than I currently do. Which sounds way more dramatic than what's actually going on, which is mainly that I want to get to a place where I just don't care. I want the world and its problems to flow off my back instead of weighing it down. I want to stop thinking about what people on the internet might say about something I haven't even posted yet. And that can't happen while I'm tied to this blog. So I'll be staying away from it for at least the rest of the year.

I did have a good time with this blog. I've met a bunch of really awesome people, some who are sadly no longer with us (RIP Blue), and some who I think will carry on the "fight" way better than I ever did. This isn't an admission of defeat, or pessimism about the election. Even if Trump wins, and I truly think he will if we have a fair election, I still won't be back this year. But I'll still vote and I'll still be proud that my silly little tumblr blog had an impact on some people's lives. I may not have the reach of a Tucker Carlson or a Glenn Beck, but I've gotten a lot of messages from people who said they changed their minds about an issue, or even politics in general, because of things I said, and that counts for something. If you guys take anything away from me, I want it to be this: Even the smallest impact matters. It doesn't matter if you only ever reach one person and then stop, reaching that one person is enough. Changing one vote is enough. Changing one mind is enough.

To all my mutuals, you guys are the best. I truly hope you have wonderful lives and I'm sad I won't get to see your names on my dash everyday anymore. To anyone I've ever followed or reblogged from, I couldn't have had a blog without you, so thank you. Yes, even the leftiod psychos, XD. To everyone else, find your own balance and never give into despair and never listen to people who tell you not to try. Even a failed effort is still more meaningful than sitting back and mocking people for trying to improve even the smallest thing about themselves or the world around them.

I won't be logging back in after I post this, so any messages or asks you send, I won't see. I'll still be active (or as active as I ever am) in my discord, so feel free to join there if you want to. It should still be my pinned post, but if it isn't, I'll edit this with a new invite link.

And that's all I've got to say for now.

[allieslittlewritings]

*not my gif <3

Care

Summary: Spencer takes care of his daughter when she's depressed and can't do it herself

Warnings: Depression, self-deprecation, bad writing, swearing, reader struggles to take care of herself

Word Count: ~ 1.4k

Spencer's apartment was dark when he entered.

Quiet, too.

He flicked a light on and looked around.

Not a single thing was different than when he'd left 3 days ago.

The book he left on the couch was in the exact same place, his mug still stood on the coffee table.

He called your name into the apartment, not getting an answer.

He quickly dropped his satchel by his coat stand and went to your room.

The door was open, your room was just as dark as the rest of the apartment.

He saw you lying in bed and whispered your name.

When you didn't answer he got even more worried.

He stepped into your room, only now noticing how messy it had seemingly gotten.

Sitting down on the edge of your bed he reached over to your nightstand and turned your lamp on.

Your eyes blinked open and struggled to not close again because of the light.

You looked up at your dad and tiredly blinked.

"Hi," He said.

He had that specific tone of voice he used when he was worried about you, you could tell.

"What are you doing home? You said you wouldn't be back until Sunday."

Spencer's worry increased at that, "It is Sunday, sweetheart."

Your eyes widened, "What? No, it can't be."

"How long have you been in bed?" He knew it was difficult for you to get out of bed sometimes, but your depression hadn't been this bad in a long time.

You looked around your room, your brain was slow and tired.

It couldn't be Sunday.

You had an essay and homework to finish how were you going to get everything done if it was Sunday night already?

Spencer noticed your breathing getting more erratic.

"Hey, hey, hey, look at me, it's okay. You're okay. What is it you need help with?"

Tears of exhaustion and overwhelm formed in your eyes.

"I don't need help, I just have to stop being so fucking lazy." Your words came out harshly.

"You are not lazy," Spencer said. "You have lower energy levels because you're depressed and you haven't eaten in the last few days, not because you don't want to spend your energy on things."

You looked around at your messy room.

"I'll help you clean your room," You dad said, seeing what you were looking at. "But let's focus on you first. Do you think you feel okay enough to take a shower?"

You took a second to think before shaking your head.

Spencer nodded in understanding.

"That's okay." He thought for a second before standing up, "I'll be right back, okay?"

He exited your room and a few tears escaped your eyes.

"He just got back from a long case, he doesn't want to take care of you like you're a helpless child."

"His job is difficult enough, he doesn't deserve to come home and have more shit to do."

Spencer came back into your room about 3 minutes later, a pack of wet wipes in one hand and a cup with your toothbrush in it in the other.

He sat back down on your bed and moved your hair so it wasn't in your face anymore.

Your hair was dirty.

Spencer knew pointing that out wouldn't be helpful right now, it's not like you weren't aware.

With your hair tucked behind your ears and out of your face, Spencer removed a wipe from the bag and carefully started cleaning your face.

The hand he held under your chin was cold.

But the gentle way he treated you felt warm and healing.

He threw the wipe away in your little dustbin and then put toothpaste on your toothbrush for you.

He handed it to you and waited for you to take it.

You slowly brushed your teeth, using the cup he brought to spit the toothpaste out.

"I'm sorry." You whispered when you were done and he took your toothbrush from you.

"For what, sweetheart?" He placed the cup on your bedstand and your toothbrush on top of it.

"You just got back, you must be tired and I'm making you take care of me because I'm too pathetic to do it myself."

Self-deprecation was common in depressed people, Spencer knew that.

But it never hurt less to hear you insult yourself, to be reminded that you didn't see yourself the way he saw you.

"I'm not tired." He assured you.

He wasn't lying. Seeing your child depressed and exhausted wakes you up more than any slap in the face or ice cold water ever could.

"It's not your fault you can't take good care of yourself right now. And you're not making me do anything. I want to take care of you. I'm your dad, that's what I'm here for." He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on your forehead.

"I'm gonna get you some clean clothes, okay?"

You nodded and just sat there as he walked to your closet.

A lot of your clothes were contributing to the mess on your floor but Spencer grabbed the most comfortable looking clothes he could find.

A hoodie and sweatpants and some fuzzy socks.

He also quickly snatched a hair tie from your desk.

Spencer placed the clothes on your bed in front of you. "Can you turn around for a second so I can tie your hair back, please?"

You did as he asked and he quickly tied your hair.

He ignored the urge to untangle your hair, you needed to eat first.

"I'm gonna go make you something to eat while you get dressed, you can take as much time as you need."

Your dad left your room, closing the door behind him.

Slowly and begrudgingly, you got up and managed to change into the clean clothes your dad picked out.

You took the cup from your bedstand and left your room, going to the bathroom to put your toothbrush back and use the toilet.

After finishing your things in the bathroom, you went to find your dad.

You found him in the kitchen, washing grapes.

"Okay, so I technically lied. I ordered pizza, I didn't make you something, I'm sorry."

Spencer felt bad when he realized he hadn't gone grocery shopping in a while.

But he figured there was also a higher likelihood that you'd actually want to eat pizza, rather than something he made.

"It's okay," You said quietly, moving to sit on the kitchen counter.

Spencer placed a bowl of grapes next to you and ate a few himself.

"Thank you," You said, picking up a grape and eating it.

Spencer smiled softly, happy to see you eat. "You're welcome, sweetheart."

The pizza got there shortly after.

You and Spencer sat on the couch and watchsd your favorite show, which Spencer put on.

You ate your pizza and watched your show, and drank a glass of water Spencer got you.

After you both finished eating, Spencer started helping you with your school things.

To your surprise, you actually got it done.

In retrospect it wasn't that much work, any bit of work sounded like a lot to you before.

Your eyes started to get droopy and it was getting late.

"You should get some rest, sweetheart."

You nodded in agreement.

"Do you want to sleep in my bed, just for tonight?"

He knew you probably hadn't gotten much actually restful sleep in the last few days.

And maybe it would be easier for you to sleep in a slightly different environment.

"Only if it won't bother you," You said, a sense of guilt washing over you.

"It won't." Spencer insisted gently.

"Okay."

Spencer went to put your plates in the kitchen and you went to his room.

You climbed into his bed and lay down.

You lay on the same side you always did when you were little and used to crawl into his bed when you had a nightmare, or just really missed him.

Spencer went to get ready for bed and then got into his bed next to you.

You were nearly asleep by then.

You moved closer to him and rested your hand and your head on his chest.

He protectively kept an arm around you as he read a few chapters of the latest book he was reading.

Your rhythmic and soft breathing let him know you were asleep and he quietly breathed a sigh of relief.

He eventually placed his book down and fell alseep, still keeping you close to him.

He would always keep you safe.

Not just from physical danger, from your depression and your thoughts, too.

fin. ♡

[leighsartworks216]

Not my fandom, but #15 for Zayne?

Intrusion

Zayne x gn!Reader

Prompt from this list

15 - hugging each other

I didn't intend to actually write these tonight bc I have a lot of downtime in the morning and I Need Sleep, buuuuut this one hit different idk

Warnings: hurt/comfort, caretaking, pre or early relationship, depression, food, hugging, crying

Word Count: 857

Main Masterlist

First Love and Deepspace Masterlist

Second Love and Deepspace Masterlist

AO3

Tag List Form

Zayne knocks on the door lightly. It's late. Far later than is normal to be visiting. He'd hate to wake up one of the neighbors and give them a bad impression of you, especially right now.

You'd been practically radio silent all day. He's so accustomed to you sending him emojis and random videos, to have absolutely nothing come in was disconcerting. On top of that, when he messaged you asking if you were okay, it took several hours before you responded.

I'm fine. Just tired, sorry.

Did you stay up late last night?

Yeah, I guess.

Are you feeling well?

Don't worry about me, Zayne. I'm perfectly fine :)

Each insistence only stirred that uncertainty in his gut. You may not want to inconvenience him, but he needs your intrusion on his life. Otherwise, it would be the same, day to day. A cold, dark existence, with a sweet treat the only thing to draw him away from the mundanity.

He knocks again, slightly louder.

The door opens a crack. Your face is obscured in shadow, hidden from the dim light of the hallway, but from what he can tell, you look rough. You don't meet his eyes. You just stare at his tie.

"H-Hey," you draw out, trying to act casual. Maybe he'd believe the act if you weren't hiding. "What brings you here, doc?"

He inhales. Why must you keep insisting on putting barriers between you? "I'm not on duty, at the moment," he reminds you curtly, but his tone softens as he continues. "I wanted to make sure you ate something today, so I got takeout from a restaurant on my list."

You stare at the plastic bag of takeout he holds. He can see the gears turning. The hesitation as you realize the amount of food he's gotten. "Zayne, I-I can't possibly eat that much."

"I ordered some for myself. I haven't had a chance to eat dinner yet." He nods his head slightly toward the door. "May I come in?"

He watches with bated breath as you debate your options. He can see the way your eyes flicker from the bag to him, like you're weighing the pros and cons. You get food, but you have to let him in. From the faint growl of your stomach, it would seem that the choice is made for you.

You slowly open the door.

The apartment is dark, which isn't surprising. Still, Zayne navigates it with no issues. He toes off his shoes and replaces them with the guest house slippers with familiarity. You trail behind as he heads for the kitchen. He adjusts the lights to be set to a dim glow, allowing for enough light that he can see what he's doing without being too harsh on your eyes. Though, now that he can see, he can see the heavy bags under your red-raw eyes.

"Did I wake you?" He keeps his voice purposefully low.

You stand by the doorway, arms crossed, as you watch him bustle about. He retrieves two plates from the cabinet and divides the containers from the bag into what's his and what's yours. As he does so, he removes the lid from one of the containers and slides it over to you. The warm aroma of soup fills the room.

You shake your head. He watches from the corner of his eye as you sidle over, slippers scraping quietly against the tile floor. When you pick up the cup of soup, it feels like a brick has been removed from the wall.

He transfers food to the plates. A healthy serving, to be sure. He tries to keep the amounts relatively similar, but it's clear he's added slightly more to your plate than his own. Once they're ready, he sets your plate in front of your seat - designated as such from the times he's come over in the past - and his plate in front of his seat. Before he sits, he reaches up into the cabinets once again to retrieve some glasses.

Arms wrap around him from behind, nearly startling him into dropping the cups. Your head rests against his back. Your hands hold onto each other, as though resting them against him would be the thing to make him pull away.

"Thank you..." you mumble, only just loud enough for him to make out.

He moves like he's trying not to startle a wild animal as he lowers two glasses to the countertop. He sets a hand on your arm, to keep you from letting go, as he turns in your embrace. His arms wrap themselves over your shoulders, around your back, hands flat against you to draw you into his chest. Your hold tightens around him. Your hands fist his work shirt. Your head is tucked securely under his chin.

He says nothing of the way you shudder as your breath catches in your lungs. Nor does he say anything as he feels a wet spot form in his collar.

Instead, he rubs your back in soothing motions. "Please tell me the next time you're hurting," he pleas in a whisper. "Don't shut me out."

---

I'm gonna put my little end note here that I had on AO3 cuz I still feel like gloating:

"I feel the need to gloat about the title because it goes both ways!!! Zayne needs your intrusion on his life because otherwise he'd be no better than Dawnbreaker, but you also need his intrusion on your life to help you through whatever's bringing you down!!! Very proud of this"

---

Tag List:

@the-golden-jhope @deepzombieyouth @huen1ngk41 @armycaratlover @cheesemachine44 @nyx2021 @angel-jupiter @thelittlebutton @pikachuzhc @pomegranatepip @cordidy @an-ever-angry-bi @thejysemongko @deusfoundry @hawtlineblingz

[profundcherrylady]

SINGLE DAD!SAE ITOSHI

A/N: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! Yeah I know it's past New Years and technically mid January, I just took a looong time writing this, hope y'all like it tho.

Warnings: None I think. Just a little swearing.

Contents: Rin being a bad babysitter lol. VERY unrealistic btw there is no way none of this could be like an actual situation that could happen in real life. Very, very bad parenting because WHY would Sae let any of this happen tf.

Description: On a displeasing turn of events, Sae has to spend Christmas eve at work, in Spain. But that's not going to stop his daughter from making her Christmas wishes come true.

"...What do you mean, she's gone?" Sae's voice was starting to sound anxious, even on the other side of the phone. Missing? His daughter was missing on Christmas eve? How could this happen? If he was there, he would for sure give Rin something more than just a piece of his mind for losing his daughter.

"Exactly what you're hearing. She's not here." he explained, still looking around under tables and inside cabinets in case she was secretly playing hide and seek again. "I checked her bedroom, the bathroom, your room, the kitchen... it's like she disappeared on thin air."

"That's impossible. Why did you leave her alone in the apartment in the first place?"

"Because she is refusing to move from her room. Well, she was. Now I have no clue of where the hell she is! You know this is your fault, right?"

"Excuse me? Tell me how I'm at fault for you losing my daughter."

"She wouldn't stop asking about you; she was heartbroken when you told her you'd spend Christmas at Spain without her, saying she wanted to be with you and asking when you'd come back. She was so depressed she didn't even want to eat. I even bought her a bunch of presents but she said it'll not be the same without you here, and you know damn well that brat's spoiled. She wouldn't reject any gifts if she wasn't depressed, depressed."

"First of all, do not call her a spoiled brat." he responded. "Second, fine. Leave it at that and just focus on finding her, where could she have gone to? Somewhere that reminds her of me maybe? She must've left something behind, keep looking!"

"I'm looking, chill." he entered the little girl's bedroom once again. Just as he saw before, it was empty and quiet, no sight of her favorite bunny plushie either which meant she must have gone somewhere. She always took that thing everywhere. He peeked under the bed but there was nothing, then finally stood back up.

A paper.

Rin's eyes widened at the sight of a paper on the bed, and he quickly rushed to read it.

"Rin?" he hushed his brother on the other of the phone. The handwriting was messy and childish so it was definitely hers, and as he read line through line his eyes widened even more.

"Fuck."

"What? What is it? Did you find something?"

"So... you're not gonna like what you're going to hear. She left a note... it says she was heading to you."

"Me?" he repeated, absolutely on disbelief. "I'm in Spain."

"Yeah, she seems to know that." the younger Itoshi continued to read the note, this time out loud. "...'Dear uncle Rin, I miss papa, I don't wanba wait anymore...'? Guess she meant 'wanna'. Uh... 'Chridthsma I dunno how to spell it but you know what I mean. Too lonely! I wanna see papa, so I'll go suprise him. I wanna spend tomoreow with him. Thanks uncle Rin! Plz don't throw out my presents that you bought me. Bye-bye'. And that's it."

"WHAT? She can't come all the way to Spain just to see me."

"You bet she can't; she's under eighteen. Relax, she can't travel alone just like that; she won't go far. I'll just go to the airport."

"Okay... that's true, but she wouldn't give up that easily; I'm pretty sure she knows she can't go on a plane alone, so..." then the realization hit him. "The train."

"What?"

"The TRAIN. She'll take the train from Japan to Europe, then from Barcelona to where I'm at on Madrid."

"Sae be fucking for real. Do you seriously think a six-year-old planned all of that?"

"Believe me, she's capable. She's seen those trains before, and she would for sure be too scared to go to the airport."

"And where do you think she'd get the money to travel?"

"Her allowance."

"You give a six-year-old an allowance?"

"STOP asking questions and go to the train station for her!"

"Okay, relax, I'm heading out."

But unfortunately for Rin, little Mao was already on the train station ready to head out to a whole another continent just to see her father. She had packed well (she broght her stuffed bunny) and ate breakfast before heading out (cookies from the kitchen counter); she was even well dressed for the occasion (she put on her jacket).

She was at the train station now, waving hello to the person selling the train tickets.

"Can I go to Spain, please?" she asked excitedly.

"Well, hello. You're taking a trip with your parents? Where are they?"

"My papa is at Spain." the man let out an 'oh' after hearing that.

"On Christmas eve, whithout his family? Must be something important. I'm sorry, though, I can't sell you a ticket to another country without any parental supervision."

"But... I already got all the way here."

"Sorry, kid, it's against the rules. I mean, if you had another parent or someone that can go with you I'd gladly let you go to Spain and see your dad."

"My uncle already said no... that's why I walked here all by myself... in the snow..."

"Well, if he said no it must be for a reason. What about your mom?"

"She isn't alive anymore. My dad and my uncle are pretty much all I have."

"Oh..." now he was starting to feel bad about this poor kids and her sad puppy eyes.

"I just wanted to see my papa on Christmas eve... he said he'd send me presents but I just wanted a hug from him. That was my only Christmas wish... but I guess it won't come true... hopefully he won't miss new year's too... or my birthday... I don't wanna keep seeing him through a screen anymore..."

"Okay, okay, okay, fine." he gave up; this teary-eyed child was going to kill him from sadness. He couldn't just send her home all sad like that. "Fine... I'll make some calls, I'll get you a train ticket to Barcelona. But you have to follow my instructions, okay? Going to another country is a big deal."

"Really? Thank you, mister! Now my Christmas wish is gonna come true!" the man took the phone aside from him and started making calls to arrange everything.

"Just let me see your passport and we'll see what we can do."

"You missed her? Really?" Sae was exasperated at this point. He was confident that they wouldn't let a kid travel to another continent, but apparently they were more incompetent than he thought.

"Listen, I got here as fast as I could. It's Christmas eve and there's snow all over; traffic was horrible." Rin explained, looking over his shoulder where the person in charge was showing him the security footage where they let Mao buy a ticket and get on the train. "I asked and it seems like her train just left. She bought a ticket to Barcelona and she's now on her way to you, but don't worry too much, they told me they got someone from the staff to keep an eye on her."

"That's not as bad as it could be, but what now? I have a match today, she knows that. I told her I wasn't missing Christmas at home just because. I'm busy preparing but if she's already on her way that I might have to cancel."

"Don't get too ahead of yourself just now, her train just left. It's like 19 hours from now, and it has two connections in Portugal and France. It'll take her a while to actually get to you."

"Still, the game is tomorrow at 2:00pm. I don't know if I can concentrate in training if my child is somewhere in Europe. Just thinking about it is getting me on my nerves... I know I can't do anything until she's here but I still feel the urge to go looking for her."

"Listen, it's going to be fine. Nothing will happen to her on the train and once she gets to Spain she only has to buy another ticket from Barcelona to Madrid and then you can do something about it, but do not call off the game because of this. People are counting on you to show up, you know? Seriously, just focus on getting ready and everything will get sorted out. Even if you don't go and look for her, I think she made it clear that she's going to find her way to you."

"I suppose there's some truth in what you say, but it still doesn't feel like something a responsible parent would do. I'm just worried."

"And you don't think I am? She's still my niece; if anything bad happens to her it'll all be my fault."

"It sure will be, you better take the damn responsibility if something happens to my daughter."

"Why do I bother telling you anything? Whatever, I'll call you later."

"France and Portugal were pretty, right?" the assistant from the train watched Mao as she nodded her head with a smile. "You took a big nap earlier; must feel a lot better, hm?"

"Yeah, but I'd really like to get to Spain now..."

"Don't worry, sweetie. Look, we're already here." she almost jumped off her seat when she heard that, holding her plush bunny tightly. The woman from the train helped her gather her stuff and get off, then sweetly waved her goodbye from the inside of the train. "Take care, okay? You're almost there!"

"Bye, miss! Thank you!" Mao waved as well as the train's gates closed off again, then turned around to head to the front desk and buy a ticket to Madrid.

Looking around, she almost bumped with a couple of people who spoke in a language she didn't quite understand and seemed pretty confused to see a foreigner child alone at the train station. She ignored it, as she was busy being amazed at the difference between this place and her hometown, but she kept going until she finally got the front desk where the person in charge looked down at her.

"¿Qué?"

"Hi! Um... I wanna go to Madrid." she pointed to the screen behind the man, so even though he didn't understand the kid he knew what she was trying to say, and he answered accordingly.

"Madrid? ¿Pero qué quiere hacer una niña en Madrid?" she stared, unable to understand a word, and the man finally sighed. "Mo es mi cría ni mi problema. Toma tu boleto a Madrid."

"Thank you!" she took the ticket handed to her and payed the number on the screen and walked towards her next train.

This was it, she was almost there. So close to seeing her father it actually felt unreal! Even when she didn't even spoke spanish she was there! Just a few hours and she would be able to get that hug from him.

Of course, as the hours passed, little Mao ended up spending Christmas eve on the train, but the wait was worth it. When the sun finally went up and Christmas morning came around, Mao Itoshi arrived to Madrid. The city outside the train station was bustling with energy, with big christmas decorations on the local stors and a crowd of people walking around with their children. And so... what now?

Wait.

...What now?

Where WAS Sae? She didn't know. She knew he was in Madrid and that he had a game later, yet that was all. She didn't know where her dad was staying or where could he be now, aside from the stadium where the football game was taking place later, but she didn't know where that was either. The city was huge and full of people; what was she supposed to do now?

"Um... sorry?" she tried asking around for directions, but of course, the locals didn't speak the same language as her. The brushed her off as soon as they realized they weren't getting whatever she was trying to say.

So she continued walking, trying to find anything that might get her in the right direction. At this point, she was tired again. She was only a child after all; she couldn't walk that much without getting exhausted fast, but she kept pushing through. She was on a mission, and the goal was so close; she couldn't possibly give up now. Even if she was tired and cold and hungry... she didn't have that much time before her father's game started, and then she would have to wait even more for that hug!

After a while she stumbled across a café. She didn't have money on her, but she figured she was tired and maybe they could let her just sit for a little bit and rest so that she could get to Sae faster. She held onto her plush bunny a little tighter as she reached for the doorknob and got inside, just to be greeted by a young (yet older from her perspective) woman.

"Bienvenida!" she looked down at the child, and after a couple of seconds she became surprised that she was alone. Peeking outside the door, there was no sight of any parents or older siblings or any responsible adult. She also took note of the fact that her features didn't seem spanish, although they were slightly familiar from somewhere... "¿Hablas español?"

"Um..." the answer to that question was no. She did not speak Spanish, but she didn't know that's what she was asking.

"Ay, probrecita... no te preocupes, ven." she signaled Mao to follow, which she did, and she was sat on a nearby table. "¿Tienes hambre? Ah, es cierto, que no hablas español. Te voy a traer algo de comer, ¿sí?"

After saying a couple more things she didn't understand, the lady finally walked away, so Mao let herself relax for a moment on the tranquility of the almost empty café. The only sounds around were the soothing wirring of the coffee machine on the back, the television set on some corner and the few people that were in there eating. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, resting her head against the table, when the lady came back with a little baked pastry on a plate. She gestured Mao to not worry and just eat it, but before she could actually say anything else she was startled by the sound of another customer cursing out at the TV.

"¿QUÉ?" he exclaimed again, and so she paid a little more attention to the news on there.

"Y ahora, bueno, la noticia que ha tenido a toda España como loca. A las 2:00pm de hoy estaba programado el partido de fútbol que iba a dar lugar en el estadio de Madrid y en el cual iba a participar el llamado prodigio japonés Sae Itoshi. Ha dado muchísimo de que hablar como jugador; se le quiere un montón en su país de origen, y hoy iba a participar en este partido pero de última hora acaba de anunciar que no puede jugar. Es una locura, escúchenme que tampoco me lo puedo creer. El partido ha sido puesto en espera porque Sae Itoshi se está negando a jugar debido a que su hija está desaparecida. Dio algunos minutos de su tiempo para hablar con la prensa hace poco menos de treinta minutos y declaró que aparentemente de vuelta en Japón dejó a su hija al cuidado de su hermano, es decir el tío de la niña, y que... que ha despertado y la niña no estaba! Y en víspera de navidad, además, es que es increíble. Y para hacerlo peor todavía, la niña dejó una nota en su casa diciendo que fue a visitar a su padre, por lo cual Sae Itoshi declaró que su hija está en algún lugar de Madrid y que no puede jugar hasta que no la encuentre. No me creo que esto sea una noticia real gente, pero aquí estamos. Eh... pues ya saben, estén atentos. Sae Itoshi dejó la descripción de su hija para que quien sea que la vea lo pueda reportar o la lleve directamente al estadio. Es una niña de seis años, tiene el cabello oscuro y los ojos iguales a los de su padre; también dice que lleva con ella un... ¿conejo de felpa?"

"Dios mío!" after hearing the news, the lady was certain. This kid in the café was Sae Itoshi's daughter; her description matched and then it made sense that her features seemed familiar. So she was missing and her father was holding the whole football match until he found her... she had to do something!

She waited patiently until Mao finished her little snack and then approached her again, pointing at the TV where they were showing the footage of Sae declaring the facts of her little runaway. The kid gasped, almost trying to reach out to him.

"Papa!" that she could understand. It was very similar to the spanish word "papá" which meant dad so there was no doubt.

"Te voy a llevar con tu papá, ¿bien? Vamos." she offered her hand, which Mao took as the lady shouted that she was going out for a little bit and got out with her.

"C'mon, Sae, be reasonable. You can't just back out of the game like this! Do you know how many people are counting on you?"

"Yeah, the thing is, I don't give a fuck my daughter is MISSING. I was patient enough; I'm not doing anything until she's safe and sound."

"But... Sae! This game is very important for all of us! You're going to make us lose!"

"So you're telling me... a stupid football match is more important than my daughter's life." now THAT made him rethink his words, although not for long, because there was no way he was going to stay quiet with how much was at stake. But the next thing he said was the last straw for Sae.

"N-No... I didn't mean... fuck, Sae, she's been missing two days! Maybe it's time you consider the other possibilities and move on-"

"What did you just say?" his harsh tone and the darkened expression on his face made the whole room go quiet. "I don't care if you lose the game over this, you hear me? But that's my little girl, and if anything happens to her because of this I could never forgive myself, and the fact that you are even suggesting that she could be dead and that I just 'move on' is making me sick. You want me to play today? You better keep that stupid mouth of yours fucking closed or I'll make sure you do. I don't say things twice so you better listen up. I'm getting out of here to find her, understood?"

"Y-Yeah... I'm sorr-"

"Papa!" Sae's expression instantly switched as soon as he heard the familiar voice call for him, and as he turned around, there she was. Safe and unharmed, accompanied by a few security guards from the stadium. His eyes relaxed inmediately when he saw her ran up to him, then he crouched down and opened up his arms as he saw the little girl going for a hug, and once she was on his arms again, he let out a sigh of relief and held her just a little bit tighter. "I missed you, papa!"

Sae stood back up with her still on his arms, and frowned slightly as he looked down at her again.

"You are in very big trouble, young lady. You traveled all across Europe from Japan, through Portugal and France, just to be here. Do you have any idea how dangerous and irresponsible that was? Do you know what could've happened to you? You could've gotten lost, or worse. I am very disappointed; I was worried sick. You don't even speak spanish and you still managed to get all the way to the stadium." he saw her little smile fade away with his words, and he sighed once more as his eyes softened once again. "You must've really wanted to see me today, huh?"

"I did! Papa, I wanted to be with you on Christmas."

"We talked about this, Mao, I sent you lots of gifts back to Japan and we could always videocall today after the game; you didn't need to do all of this."

"But I did need it!"

"How so?"

"Because none of the gifts were what I wanted..."

"What? That's not possible. I sent you everything you said you wanted; I bought you that dollhouse you said was pretty and the dress you said you wanted for Christmas, there were more plush toys and accessories you told me you liked and things from your favorite cartoons. I don't know how I could've missed anything."

"That's okay papa, it's because those are the gifts from you! I did want those but they weren't my Christmas wish."

"Really? None of them?"

"Nope! They were things I wanted but they weren't my Christmas wish. But don't worry, papa, there's no way you could've known. I wrote it on my letter to Santa!"

Oh.

Didn't he tell Rin to check that as well? Damn it, he missed his daughter's Christmas wish and he didn't realize. Of course it didn't come true if he didn't know what it was to buy it...

"Well, can I know what it is? Maybe there's still time to get you whatever it is."

"It's okay, I already have it! It was a hug from you." and then his heart melted down. How could he still be mad after that?

"You little rascal. Why did you tell Santa and not me?"

"I figured he'd talk to you and maybe you would change your mind and go home. But then I found out what was his plan really was! I woke up yesterday and there was a letter under the tree! And it had money and the train schedule so I could get here today! And then a lot of miracles happened, like the person who sold me the ticket and the nice lady from the train and the café and me getting this far without knowing any spanish!"

"You found a letter with money under the tree? I didn't do that..." he whispered, and he certainly knew Rin didn't do it either.

"Of course you didn't; it was Santa!" Sae rolled his eyes and gave her one last hug.

"It still doesn't mean you're free from punishment. You're grounded for a month."

"Why?!"

"You traveled to another continent without permission and you're asking why you're grounded? Hand over that plush bunny, miss."

"Noooo, not that! I'm not gonna do it again!"

"You bet you won't."

"Don't take it, please! He's my best friend."

"I know." he huffed. "Fine. Now, I'm gonna need you to wait for me; I have a game to win."

[junebugsarchive]

Hiii! Its my first time I request here.

Can you write about manager kim, mr kim?

Like headcanons or when he get jealous or anything is good with you. (ᗒ⩊ᗕ)

Im sorry if my english is bad. (*_ _)人

manager kim x reader ; headcanons ver.

summary: headcanons of manager kim x fem! reader

pairing: manager kim x reader

details: slightly suggestive . mention of alchohol . kinda depressing bc we know what this man is like . mentions of ptsd / trauma . established relationship ( he calls you his wife ) . all headcanons are my opinion, i'm not forcing you to agree with them! . all dividers used are from @cafekitsune . all pictures used are from pinterest . not proofread

a/n: my man just looks so silly goofy in the second pic. also, first anon ask!! tysm for requesting bae <3 did both headcanons and jealousy if that's ok with you! also i wrote a part of this in public and maybe i was just too paranoid but a girl behind me laughed im so scared now... enjoy babes!

let's start off with the most obvious obvious one; this man would die for you

you could tell him to go up against the government and he would do so without hesitation (he's basically already doing it anyways LMFAO)

absolutely adores cuddling up to you while sleeping. my theory is that this man secretly enjoys being the little spoon because he's never gotten that kind of comfort when he was younger

he likes it when you wrap your arms around him from behind as well. actually, he just likes any type of contact with you.

inwardly guilty he can't spoil you with lavish goods because he's not exactly rich. you deserve the world, in his eyes, and a secret fear of his is that one day you'll leave him

he's either a great cook or a food poisoner, there is no in between. either way, he loves your home-cooked meals the most

very domesticated around you. he radiates black cat energy, and whenever he comes home from work and practically drapes himself all over you, you're always reminded of a grumpy but comfort-seeking cat you once saw on social media.

not a great kisser, because let's be for real, between raising minji and his missions, he doesn't have a lot of time to practice his smooching skills. however, he's a really quick learner and you've noticed a drastic improvement in his bedroom skills ever since he started dating you. but he's great with his hands ( yk, his cqc... fast fingers... ). i'll leave the rest to your imagination

bro would absolutely be the type to be silent about his relationship with you, so people either find out through seeing him with you, or minji happily going around telling everyone she has a mom now.

my headcanon is that this man has horrible alcohol tolerance. one shot with hansu and jincheong is enough to make him red in the face. the first time he came home drunk, you thought he was kind of cute intoxicated and secretly filmed him the entire night tripping over thin air and arguing with the soap

would insist on carrying all your bags. it's rare for you to go on a shopping spree, but even if you're going out for your routinely grocery run, he would insist on carrying all the bags, including your purse, even if you keep insisting he let you carry something.

this gentleman finally relents and lets you carry the bag of chips home LMFAO

now let's talk about his... less than ideal background.

if you were totally oblivious about his past, he would feel a mix of relief and worry, because he's happy that you don't know about his shady history, but also worried that one day you would find out about it, and possibly leave him. let's be real, with the humongous target on his back, someone is bound to find out he has a wife and harm you.

he would never admit it to you, but in the end you'd find out anyways. there's no way the two of you could go your entire lives without finding out every little detail of each other's past, pretty or not.

let's just say you found out through someone ambushing your house when manager kim wasn't home to try and kidnap you. but of course, your husband, having installed silent alarms in every corner of your shared apartment, immediately came racing back to grab you and swoop you into a safe house in the blink of an eye.

he had explained everything to you, saying that if you didn't want to stay with him he would completely understand and accept it.

poor boy was so confused when you burst into tears and hugged him and called him an idiot. he genuinely didn't believe anybody normal would want to be with him even though he basically told them he used to be a ruthless war machine.

after you had calmed down, you had explained that you were disappointed that he thought so little of himself, and you were also really sad because you realized where all the scars littered across his body had come from, and it broke your heart to think that he had gone through so much pain during his time in the military.

after that whole fiasco, you treated his scars more tenderly than ever.

you would trace the bullet scars and lines on his upper body with care and softness as you lay in bed together, and he can't help but think that some good has come out of coming clean to you after all

but let's say that you knew about his past, maybe because you were a part of his squad back in the days.

shared trauma ig

but seriously, i feel like he would feel more at ease whenever he leaves the house to go on a mission because he knows you can protect yourself and minji if the need arises, even if he would still get anxious and worried for your safety.

tbh i feel like you probably caught his eye because you kicked his ass a couple of times when sparring lol

he would like the fact that he could come home in the dead of the night, covered in blood from head to toe, and not have to fumble for an excuse to tell you

nightmare bonding is real bc the two of you have probably gone through some extremely traumatic things in your early days, and of course it's going to leave a lasting impact on both of you.

some nights, the two of you would wake up sweating and shivering after reliving those moments, or seeing your dead comrades, and can silently comfort each other as you both steady your breathing and calm yourselves down

definitely would bring the two of you closer together than ever

let's talk about what manager kim would be like if he's jealous!

would be the type to subtly swoop in and enter whatever conversation you were having with the poor guy, remaining calm and collected, though he made sure he dropped hints left and right.

"ah yes, my wife owns that dress..." "my wife loves the tteokbokki at that restaurant..." "my wife... my wife..."

and when the dude finally gets the hint and backs off, you're always left feeling amused as you watch your husband stare at the guy as he walks off, a stoic look on his face, though you can always feel the triumph radiating off him.

and let's just say the guy doesn't get the hint, and instead keeps implying that you can do so much better than what you have right now. you smile awkwardly, reassuringly interlacing your fingers with his, but it's not enough for the cold stare to drop from manager kim's face.

spoiler alert: that guy either dies or he leads a very unlucky life afterwards

after you and him part ways with the annoying guy (you have to politely excuse yourselves with a lame excuse), manager kim is always left feeling slightly insecure and ashamed of himself. the guys that hit on you are always younger, always richer, always better looking. why would you want to stay with a broke, single father like him anyways? his secret fear comes back into play as these thoughts eat him alive

it doesn't take much to make him forget his worries - just reassure him and comfort him and pamper him, but if a few days go by without you noticing the shame and insecurities eating him away, it might cause him putting some distance between the two of you because he thinks he's not worthy of your love

besides his self-degradation, this man is one of the best men in manager kim to end up with because you know he's going to do whatever he can to ensure you live comfortably, with little to no fears or worries whatsoever. 10/10.

p.s. bro would defo be the type to get hit on by older women when he goes to parent-teacher meetings. and going back to how he wouldn't outright talk about his marriage, none of the women would ever know he was married, until they saw you come in place of your husband, who was on a 'work trip' (that was not true, he went to another city to murder some gang), and needless to say, the women never bothered manager kim ever again.

[moon4411]

Azriel x mate reader (Rhysand's sister)

Warning: angst? Fluff? Idk, my bad gramatic.

Where is he?_ I forcefully open the front door, the intense pain in my lower back prevents me from keep walking, so strong that I let out a groan.- Mor, step aside if you're not going to help.

What are you doing here? You should be in be... oh my god, you're bleeding!_ Mor took my hands to guide me to the nearest chair. – Where is Azriel?

Mor, please, i need to see him, it's been so long. _ I beg, letting out a tear for my brother who I haven't seen since he sacrificed himself for all of us and remained under the reign of Amarantha.

okay, it's upstairs, but I must warn you; we have visitors._She directs me to the hallway where is Rhysand.

A small argument reaches my ears as I get closer, I can see the blur of a shoe ending on my brother's head, then Rhys turns his gaze and collides with mine. So many years avoiding looking in the mirror for fear of seeing the purple color of my eyes, the same color as my twin's eyes.

Sister_ he whispers, and from the color that leaves his face I know that he has already perceived the smell of blood, as well as my hands that have some stains and my simple blue dress with the folds of the skirt of a crimson red color that is already turning brown.

He turns his gaze to the thin girl on the other side of the hallway, she is wearing an ostentatious dress and seems to be frowning until her gaze meets mine and sudendly changes to one of concern or fear. -Rest Feyre, you'll need it. We'll talk in the morning.

As Rhys walks slowly towards me I can hear the guest's door close and my brother's breathing become more erratic. He take my hands and starts crying. -W-what happened? Are you okay? _ he turns to look at the hallway i came through, looks at Mor and then at the floor, finding a path of blood.

Maybe it's because of the adrenaline that little by little leaves my body or maybe it's the shock of meeting my twin again, but I only manage to take two steps and hug him before i faint letting all my weight fall on him.

The next time I open my eyes again i'm on a bed, I recognize the walls, is my old room.

She's very pale, we have to call Madja_ Rhys's face is full of tears and his hands don't stop shaking. –Rhys, RHYS, calm down_ Mor's tone is severe. -She's fine, just a little tired, she should be in bed, not winnowing and looking for you in the middle of the night. Madja is already on her way with Azriel, but I need you to stay calm, okay? I promise you everything is okay, I know she's bleeding but in a moment you'll understand, you just breathe.

Apparently that calms him and he proceeds to take a seat near my bed while holding my hand.

I manage to smile slightly at him. –I'm fine, I promise Rhys.

Yes, well i'm not okay._ Azriel enters the room looking very angry, but I can't help but smile at how cute he looks carrying a small baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

I squeeze my brother's hand tighter as I watch how he is looking at Azriel and back to me.

Rhys, I want you to meet Emma, your niece.

Rhysand bursts into tears and Azriel brings our daughter to him so he can hold her for the first time. he smiles at me.- I think you two have a lot to tell me.

We let out a little laugh. –oh, believe me, they do._ Mor answers. –I'll go get Madja, I think she needs help carrying things to clean you up and make sure you're okay.

I nod and with a little help from Azriel manage to sit on the bed to take my daughter in my arms.

I missed you a lot Rhys.

Me too, I missed you sister, but don't worry, from now on, nothing will be able to separate me from you.

I think you can tell that English is not my first language, so... Yeah I did my best. I spent like 5 years without writing because of my depression, but I think it's a good time to come back.

tell me what you think✨🫶🏽

[chiipay]

HAIIIII

taking requests!? cool! ur the first person ive requested to on tumblr for a fanfic :DDD

can i request nagi, bachira, and isagi comforting, their s/o? i want the reader to have feminine traits but i want them to be gender-neutral if that makes sense-

-K :3

Uhh I live- sorry for months of not doing this- I uhh.... die and then live once again:) I'm not confident if I can represent correctly about the feminine traits but I'll try.

Also- I have no idea what the heck I am writing...

Tw: I think I accidentally made ooc Isagi- I forgot how his personality works-

Plot: gone too tired, you cried. (Me too honestly)

-- Nagi

Nagi keeps glancing at your curled up form and then proceeds to play his game on his phone- he's not heartless- he is. He's just really bad at comforting someone...well- at least that's what Reo told him. Here you are now, curling up into a ball at the corner of Nagi's apartment.

He looks back and forth from his game to your sad form of human, he's not good at comforting but it was him who's the one to commit the relationship in the first place with you. He can't leave his significant other depressing while he dazed off in his world, can't he?

He put down his phone, pausing his game which was a big sacrifice he did for you and he deserves a lot of affection for it, getting up from his comfy couch as he walks up to you, he crouches down to your height which still makes him seem taller, patting your head makes you raise your head a bit from your knees to look at him.

He looks at you, as he opens his arms widely, without a second thought, you latch your into him as if you guys could mix together in a blender, Nagi securely holds you up and walks back towards his lovely couch, picking up his pause game on his phone then proceeded to lay down with you on the couch.

Putting his head on top of yours as the silent room is now filled with gunshots that came out of Nagi's phone. ”mhmm...sorry, don't know how to help.” he pressed light kisses on top of your head while muttering a small sorry in process, your fist ruining his hoodie as you tighten your grip on him.

” you sucks at this, don't you Nagi?” leaning towards the crook of his neck, every breath you take tickles his skin to the core. ” I know.” he wiped a small shed of tears that runs down to your cheeks, ” and it's okay, because you understand.” he said flatly, his face remains in a casual look as he's not an expressive person, you couldn't tell if he's being considerate of you or not.

” I'm here, you're here. It will be fine.”

---Isagi

Isagi finds you crying in the worst situation ever, as it makes that even worse than ever when he doesn't know how to comfort you, he's so focused on football that he has no idea what to do when you cry for the first time.

” I'm fine...” you wipe your tears that keep falling out of your eyes, warm hands touching your face as Isagi pushes your own hand away and he wipes out the tears with a napkin instead.

You tried to cover your face which directly got pushed by Isagi's gentle hands that cradle your face as if it's fragile, ” there's nothing to be ashamed of.” his eyes soften when he sees you getting more embarrassed about being taken care of by the players that you supposed to be taking care of.

Kurona patted your head in comfort as he handed you his water bottle for you to drink, ” no, no tears.” you took the bottle and thanked him, then he left you two alone in an awkward silence.

” I'm sor-"

” don't be.”

” okay.”

-- bachira.

”(name)~” bachira hugs you from behind which scared the sh- out of you, you look at his cheeky face in a tired expression which he then returned with concern looks on his face.

He cupped your face in a loving way, his concern looked turned back into a big smile as he gave you a big hug, ” it's okay, I'm here.” he smiled, nuzzling into your hair, when he raised his head to see your face in expectation of your happy face, but all he got is you sobbing now with tears streaming down your cheeks like a waterfall.

” b-bachira....” you sob loudly, then you press your head deeper into his chest, crying like there's no tomorrow, ”woah! You really put an act earlier~” he giggled, he lifted you up from the ground then went to some more of a quiet room to have a talk with you.

[fishhawish]

Can request some genshin men(your choice)with a s/o who can't cry. Like even when they are sad and wants to cry they can't. If you don't write for multiple characters you can choose anyone you want to. Thanks.

Yeah totes! Hope you enjoy🤍

Sorry for late response btw I got caught up in ROTC

.

Genshin men x reader who can't cry

Angst / comfort

Warnings: none

Gender neutral reader

★

(spun on a wheel contains: Nuevillete, Lyney, Kaeya, Tighnari, Xiao and Thoma)

‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ♡ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊

!!not proof read!!

Scenario: Reader had a bad day but can't let out the pent up frustration.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚Nuevillette

He cries for You.

Although it may not look like it, Nuviluette is truly an emotional man. Especially when his significant other is upset. You both lay on the bed, You curled up against him while he holds you tightly in attempt to comfort you. You want to cry but tears won't spill, leaving you in absolutely agony. Your lover can't help but get emotional at the sight, his eyes watery as he cuddles you. He apologizes but he still can't help it. All he wishes of is for You to be happy again. He's really trying his best. He ordered snacks and little gifts in attempt to cheer you up. When the maid delivers them he is the one to answer. Presenting you with the little gift he tried his best to make you happy, smiling at you and speaking in his gentle tone "My dear, I have gotten You a gift. "Please allow me to treat You during this unfortunate time."

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚Lyney

He understands You.

Lyney, who grew up in the House of Hearth. Also experienced the inability to cry. Growing up under 'Father' really caused tension for Him as a child. As of currently You now sit with your Magician lover, in his lap on the sofa of his home. Tears waiting to spill but they don't. He sighs and rubs your back gently in little circles. "Ma chérie, please take your time." His loving voice rang in your ears. He looks over to grab the blanket to the side of him and wraps it over both of your bodies. "We have all the time in the world, do not fear " He whispers. Laying back and taking you with him to lay on top of him. He kisses the top of your head and soothes you to sleep with a lullaby that his 'Father' taught him.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚Kaeya

He drops everything for You.

Kaeya who noticed that You haven't visited him all day, began to worry. He needed to make sure. He speed walked to your home just to check on You, who also didn't answer the door. Kaeya unlocking the door with the key under the door mat entered the cozy home to see a depressing state. Him dashing towards you to, embracing you instantly. He begged you to tell him what happened, but after he himself calmed down he decided to give you some time. He loves you dearly more than anything. Kaeya gently kisses your temple before picking you up and relocating you back to your bedroom. When You mentioned to him that you want to cry but you can't, he says back a almost silent "me too".

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚Tighnari

He who tried his best.

Tighnari seems to over prioritize work, often not even noticing his own needs. And even if he says breaks are good sometimes, how often does he truly do so? Tighnari isn't as good with comforting, but he knows enough to try to help due to him taking care of Collei. So now here You are, sitting in Tighnari's lap at his desk. Face tucked into his shoulder hiding from the world as his tail wraps around you along with his arm, his other arm finding it's way to intertwine both of your hands together. His thumb rubs against the back of your hand, comforting you. He looks at you, pain filling his heart. He doesn't know what to say, he's afraid that he'll say the wrong thing. Especially without you being able to cry at the moment. But after a while he gathers courage and whispers "It's okay I'm here now."

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚Xiao

He fights just for You.

Xiao's daily life consist of fighting the demons that intend to harm liyue. However when he hears your sweet voice call his name, the demons he fends off fate was sealed you opened your mouth. It takes him mere seconds to finish and teleport to You, and seconds to see your gloomy expression. This leaves Xiao in a panic because he doesn't know what to do. Xiao doesn't know much about humans, but he tries his best for you. He gently reaches out to touch your hand, embracing your hand with his. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" He says, worry sinking in his stomach. You suddenly embrace him, trying your best to let your emotions out but its not working. Although Xiao is stiff, he still complies with your action. Gently wrapping his arms around you as well. "I'll always protect You until the end." He says.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚Thoma

He takes the best care of You.

Thoma, who is amazing with caring for others. He loves you more than anything, you're practically his sunshine. So when You walked up to him and ask him for comfort, he's immediately there for you. By the time you asked he's already prepared everything. He takes your hand in his and helps you drink the tea he prepared for you. "Let me spoil you until you feel better, is that alright?" He says worried, you just nod. When you mentioned you want to cry but can't, he feels horrible. He hugs you, pampering your face in little kissing, giving you encouraging words. He always knows how to make you feel even slightly better. He smiles at You. "Here, I'll make your favorite foods tonight. It's all about you sweetheart."

.

.

.

Finished!

Requests open as usual<3

[yanderehsr]

Can I please request Arlecchino,Natasha,himeko and kafka with reader who died but came back to life somehow maybe dottore did some for arlecchino ones. Also I'm a big fan of your writing😊😍

I'm happy you enjoy my writing😄

Hope you'll enjoy

Trigger Warning: Yandere, Obsessive behaviour, Possessive behaviour, Kidnapped reader

Arlecchino: Never before had she felt such pain and despair as when you died, nothing even came close, so when the doctor came to her with a solution, how could she ever refuse. Nothing is as important as getting you back.

Arlecchino will not cry when you are brought back, but she will be extra affectionate and soft. Her protectiveness will increase by tenfold at the very least, she puts some of her children on duty to protect you while she's gone, she can not let you die again, not now and if she got to choose, not ever.

"Don't you ever scare me like that... *sigh* I don't mean to be angry at you but I can't allow you to die again"

Natasha: The shock she feels when you die is indescribable. It seems like no matter how much she tried, you still died. For a while she will not know what to do. But then it hits her, what if you could come back, what if she could make it happen, it becomes her new obsession, to bring you back.

You wake up in a cold room, it looks just like the clinic room you used to stay in, but it feels... different somehow. You can see different operation tables all around you, a person on each one, you can see Natasha hunched over one of them. As soon as she hears you she turns to look at you, her eyes looks crazed and eyebags darker than before, as soon as she realises it's you, she smiles.

"Y-you're alive, I did it, you're back... you have no idea how much I needed to sacrifice to get you back, but that doesn't matter now, you're alive and you wont die again"

Himeko: She becomes depressed upon the news of your death, she doesn't know what to do without you, she doesn't eat, doesn't drink and barely sleeps at all. She misses you so much, why did you have to die.

You can imagine Himeko's surprise and joy once she finds you again, weren't you supposed to be dead... anyways who cares, you are here now and that's all that matters. Himeko wont hesitate to kidnap you and lock you into her room, she wont let you leave her ever again.

"I can't believe this, are you actually back... thank goodness, any longer and I would've went mad... you aren't leaving me this time... right?"

Kafka: She wont show it but she is sad, she feels like crying but tears doesn't fall and she can't express it. On the outside she is just the same but for those that are close to her they can see she attacks a bit more recklessly, it later becomes so bad that Elio will have to step in to tell her how to get you back.

Kafka doesn't care what she has to do or who she has to kill, she will have you back. You are hers, how dare you leave her, she will make sure to punish you when you come back... but when you do come back, all she does is hug you, she can't bring herself to hurt you. Kafka will bring you somewhere safe where you can't possibly die, she'll make sure of it.

"You took your sweet time coming back to me, had enough of a vacation did you... I've missed you"

[adyophene]

lucifer x husk is something i never knew i needed and as a multishipper im screaming

literally. king of hell x some alcoholic furry guy

i love them i need to know how they wouldve met, fallen for each other and started dating. and how much thatd piss alastor off

Ooh I am so happy other people are enjoying this pair as much as I am! I've gotten a few asks about my headcanons for them, and I am happy to blab on and on. Fair warning. This is gunna be a long and rambling essay.

I'm gunna put it all under a readmore, just cause I want to insert the art I've done of them so far, since I've been half-heartedly trying to tell a visual story through the doodles.

Okay. On we go!

How they met;

We did see them technically meet in the show, where they shared their singular canon piece of dialogue, which was just Husk saying 'hey'. And then in the finale where we see a literal split second moment of Lucifer holding Husk's arm.

(also seeing the sweet looks huskerdust is giving each other here just makes me feel so delulu for writing this all, but crackships are silly by definition, so lets get back to the lucihusk) For me, what I imagined, is after the Hotel is finished its rebuilding, that is when Husk and Lucifer finally actually meet in a proper manner. I think Lucifer would be trying to make a good impression on all Charlie's friends at this point, endeared to all of them from their actions during the finale. Unfortunately, I think he is also the King of Bad First Impressions.

[Note. I think at this point Lucifer wouldn't even remember Husk's name quite yet. I think he would call him 'Keekee' ( by accident) or 'Dusk' (confidently incorrect) or just be like "Hey!.... Uh... You?" until Charlie or Vaggie finally corrected him. ]

Husk, on the other hand, I feel like maybe wouldn't gel with Lucifer right away. Wouldn't hate him, but also maybe not be enamored with him right away. Same as Lucifer, maybe he would have sweetened on him a bit through the hotel's rebuilding, but I think they'd start out at very neutral feelings. Maybe a vague sense of 'He's okay, but I don't know if we will really get along.'

Despite this, Lucifer is persistent, and he's going to be everyone's (except maybe Al, unless they start getting along by s2) buddy. He'd start hanging around the bar and participate in the redemption exercises.

Now, we know Lucifer struggles with depression, and I think he would be trying real hard to mask anything going on during this time. They defeated Adam! They rebuilt the Hotel! He believes in Charlie's dream, and he's more involved with her life and other people than he has been for years.

His only issue being Husk sees right through it, both because Husk is perceptive, but also because even the King of Hell can't help but have a lonely night or two at the bar where he ends up venting about his divorce and subsequent lingering loneliness.

[snapcube ref aside, )I really do think Husk would start to feel more positively toward Lucifer after Luci would drop the act somewhat. That they could bond over feeling both at their lowest of lows, while also being to admit that things seem to be getting better!

This would be about the point that I imagine Lucifer developing more romantic feelings! Husk would be a bit less prickly, and Luci would just absolutely eat up any and all positive interactions they'd have. I like to picture a lot of little shows of care at the this point, like Husk memorizing what Lucifer likes and even making up 'fun' drinks just to try and cheer the guy up. And Lucifer would fun a fun game in trying to get the grumpy cat to smile, and just, lighting up himself any time he was successful.

And that culminating into the two of them making each other laugh, with Alastor being an easy butt of the jokes, and a good way for Husk, himself, to finally get a chance to vent. I think Lucifer would be one of the only 'safe' options for Husk to do that with, in just so far as Al can't really threaten Lucifer, and Lucifer already sees Al as a bit of a manipulative bastard.

Falling for each other; At this point, Lucifer would start being a bit more caring toward Husk, though with that wonderful, oblivious flair of his. I don't think Lucifer himself would realize he'd have a crush up until he'd start feeling protective or jealous over Husk, and it would really throw him for a loop at first.

Because fake dating is one of my all-time favorite tropes, I have always had a idea for a fanfic (or comic) that I haven't gotten around to yet, based around Lilith coming back, and Lucifer panickily asking Husk to pretend to be his boyfriend, so he can appear well adjusted/completely over her. Of course the whole thing would backfire, as Lilith would see through it (as Lucifer wouldn't be as good of an actor as he'd think), and that Husk would end up kind of feeling hurt by the whole thing.

Husk, who'd go along with the plot with an eyeroll, would find himself seizing up through the whole fake date/encounter. Would find weird, sudden emotions bubbling up and absolutely hating it.

I don't think that man would think about the class difference between him and Lucifer up until someone would say something about it, maybe Lucifer himself trying to rationalize the (at this time still fake) relationship to Lilith. Now, Husk feels uneasy about the whole thing and ends up drinking heavily the whole night so he doesn't have to think about feelings. (Blitz and Stolas who? Ahaha. fuck.) Meanwhile, while the date would be fake, I think Lucifer would really rather like having Husk on his arm and feeling like he'd have a love-life again, while also not really getting why Husk's mood would be getting worse throughout the night. I think they'd still end up on good terms, but both of them would have their feelings in a jumble, and Husk would not like it. (he thinks he's lost the ability to love, after all)

I think somewhere at this point, as they are starting to develop feelings for one another, is when Lucifer finally starts really realizing how tied to Alastor Husk is, and he starts to make it everyone's problem. I do think Al and Lucifer would stay snarky at each other this whole time, but that it'd only get worse, as Al would poke back since he'd find Lu's over reactions funny.

I also think Al would be maybe the last person to realize anything romantic would be brewing between Lucifer and Husk, and he'd just think it'd be a purely platonic thing.

Beyond just bitching about Alastor, Lucifer would really be ramping up his attention towards Husk too. Fully in that 'puppylove/crush' stage, and trying his darndest to make Husk feel good and special. Husk would be resistant to it all, thinking it would just be Lucifer rebounding hard, and not wanting to get wrapped up in Morningstar family drama when he could happily (miserably) keep his head down and just keep drinking the days away.

But then Lucifer would find out about Husk's love of stage magic, and his history as a performer, and it'd be all over for the catman. It would become Luci's new pet project to rope Husk into some joyful self-expression, and after a song and dance number's worth of convincing, Husk would start to come around. I have to post all these images now cause- I drew them with the intention of mimicking a musical number! Husk starting off as a bit resistant before jumping in whole heartedly, and Lucifer overexcitedly dragging him along throughout the music number, hyping him up and just all around being smitten.

And this is where Husk would start really falling. Getting swept up in indulging his favorite, least destructive hobby, and having someone who absolutely loves it to bond with. Especially when it would be over. When they would just settle down and talk, and laugh, and bond over what they love about performing. The spectacle, the audience, the love of the craft. Its about the comradery!!!

@belladonazeppole wrote a wonderful series of fanfics based off these pictures, as well as the songs from 'The Greatest Showman' that really fit the ship! I would be remiss to not mention them here, because Bella and their fics are just wonderful!

How they started dating;

Now. Don't think just cause they both caught feelings for each other, that they'd immediately admit to it. No. I think both of them would drag their heels. I don't think Husk would admit to them at all, without some outside force effecting it. I think he'd stubbornly try to ignore the crush or drink it away, rather than let his heart become vulnerable to anymore damage.

Meanwhile, Lucifer would be struggling between his feelings for Husk and Lilith. (In the actual canon, I do think they might try to rekindle things, depending on what kind of person Lilith turns out to be, but I digress.) Part of him would be so swept up in a giddy kind of excitement, while the other would be set firmly in the camp of 'this is a bad idea, this won't work out, just look at what happened to your last relationship'. It wouldn't stop him from being outwardly more and more affectionate, but it would be weighing on him.

I do think Lucifer would end up being the one who would be thinking; "What am I doing. He'd never like me back." While Husk would be just sitting there (echoing what was said in the ask- sorry I went all wild and wrote this much about the ship dear god)- "I'm just some fucking furry alcoholic, what the fuck would the king of hell see in me??? Am I delusional? What the fuck is going on??" And I feel like this stage would go on for MONTHS and drive everyone else nuts. It would be clear to everyone (except Alastor, who again, would be just this meme

Though that wouldn't stop him from getting a little pissy about it) And then it would all come to a head during something benign, like a board game night. There would be flirting, there would be jealousy, there would be arguing, and then finally, loudly and with a lot of feeling, Lucifer would shout his way through asking Husk out on a date. A real Date. A capital 'D' date out on the town, dressed to the nines and a real good time. The board would be knocked over in the fray, game pieces raining down upon them while Husk would just stare blank faced, trying to process what just happened. An awkward half-minute would pass before he'd finally, trying to play it cool, shrug out a 'sure'.

How much it'd piss Alastor off;

In the aftermath, a radio static would just lowly grate everyone's ears as Alastor would be slowly coming to terms on how just annoying it would be to have his friend (/Unhealthy co-dependent pet friend possession??) romantically involved (ew) with the King of Hell (double ew)??? Then, either it would be something light hearted like 'he keeps trying to break them up but failing cause he hates interacting with romance' or a darker route where 'he keeps trying to manipulate them into breaking up by preying on all their worst insecurities in the relationship'.

And that, my friend, is all I have in mind so far for this delusional crackship au! There is more I could flesh out, of course, like Angel's role as a friend or potential third in the relationship, or what I imagine as Husk becoming like a stepdad to Charlie, but I've typed enough for the whole month. Hope any of that was coherent! I did not bother to edit or proof read it. Just pure stream of consciousness.