#I can't say that I'm happy with the result

[rcmclachlan]

fanclub dues (bucktommy, tommy & maddie friendship)

Buck's just pulling into the parking lot when the realization that he left his recertification paperwork on Tommy's kitchen counter hits him like another lightning strike, and he drops his head to the steering wheel with a whine. His cert expires today and absolutely has to be postmarked by noon or else Bobby's going to decapitate him, or worse: be really disappointed in him.

His first instinct is to call Tommy, because Tommy's starting a lovely stretch of 72 hours off, and if Buck called him he would absolutely drive the packet over.

Except Tommy's spent the last week reminding Buck to mail the stupid thing before the postmark deadline. If he calls and asks, Tommy won't say I told you so, but he will pause for a second like he's thinking about it before he tells Buck it's no problem. Which is in the exact same pantheon as Bobby's disappointment.

So, he does the next best thing.

"Actually, that works out, because I'm going to be in that area anyway," Maddie says. He can hear the rush of wind and traffic over the line. She must already be driving. "You know how we got on the waitlist for that kindergarten I was telling you about? Looks like a spot is going to open up next year and they asked me to come in for a tour."

Buck frowns. "You're already talking about kindergarten?"

"Jee's four, Buck," Maddie says long-sufferingly. "Kindergarten starts next year."

"That's insane, and also illegal. Tell that girl to stop growing or else she's getting arrested. I know a cop who would absolutely do it, no questions asked."

Maddie laughs, which makes him grin at his reflection in the rearview like an idiot. It always feels like he's won something when he manages to make her at least crack a smile, even when they were kids.

He thanks her profusely, texts her Tommy's address, and then rides that wave of joy right into the station, which continues to carry him through the first couple of hours of his shift.

Around 10:00, his phone chimes with a message. Just pulled up! Front of the house looks great! :-) :-) :-)

Buck smiles down at his phone. He helped plant the flower beds last weekend, and even though he's still finding bits of mulch in weird places because Tommy had pressed him back into the dirt and kissed him filthy in broad daylight in full view of his street, until their smiles got in the way, he can't argue with the end result. They do look good.

This little handoff probably will only take five minutes. Tommy still feels a little awkward around Maddie for reasons Buck cannot fathom for the life of him. Maddie is the kindest, coolest person on the planet, and she's so happy that Buck is happy and Buck is happy because of Tommy, so there shouldn't be any sort of weird vibe. But this is the first time Tommy's ever been in a relationship that made it to the stage where he gets to meet the family and he's so terrified of leaving a bad impression that it's translated into him acting like a robot whenever she's around.

It's maybe a little mean of him to send Maddie to Tommy's literal doorstep. He can just picture the deer-in-headlights look on Tommy's face when he opens the door, but Buck figures exposure therapy can only help. The more Tommy sees Maddie, the more he'll hopefully relax. Small moves.

Maddie will probably send a text in another few minutes about her ETA, but then the bells go off and Buck doesn't give it another thought until a few hours later when they're climbing into the truck to head back to the station.

Unearthing his phone, Buck is expecting a Looks like you're out on a call. I left your stuff on Bobby's desk. See you later!

He's not expecting a video.

Blinking, he checks the timestamp of the message—not twenty minutes ago—and feels the first nibbles of worry in his gut.

What if something happened at the station? What if Gerrard made an unexpected appearance, hoping to, like, challenge Bobby to fisticuffs to get his job back but found Maddie there instead? What if he says something to her, or tries to burn the building down while she's still inside? Maybe she took a video as proof before the ceiling caved in—

He nearly drops the phone trying to press play, and Chim slides in next to him just in time to see Maddie fill his screen.

But instead of evidence of their bitter ex-captain committing arson, it's a selfie video of her in a pair of sunglasses and a cap dancing and singing along to a song Buck doesn't recognize. He does recognize the kitchen behind her, though, because he'd eaten breakfast in it just this morning. There are two bottles of wine on the counter, one empty.

And after a moment, Buck realizes the sunglasses are Tommy's aviators and the pilot cap is the same one Buck accidentally stumbled upon in one of the upstairs closets and made Tommy wear a few nights ago.

But before he can process any of that, Tommy cha-chas his way into the background holding a plate of what looks like sandwiches. He's singing along too. Maddie turns around to look and starts laughing hysterically, the entire screen shaking like they're in the middle of a 9.1 earthquake, when Tommy starts hip thrusting.

Buck's jaw drops. "He said those dorky-ass dance moves were for my eyes only!"

"Wow, I never realized there was a patron saint of FOMO, but here I am sitting next to him. What an honor," Chim says with a laugh, but something in the video must click because his grin is suddenly swallowed by sheer outrage. "Wait, are they having a George Michael dance party without me? Maddie knows how much I love George!"

"What's your definition of dirty, baby, what do you consider pornography!" Maddie and Tommy shout gleefully at the camera.

Chim gasps. "Oh, divorce!"

"What was that about FOMO, Chim?" Hen asks sweetly, but she's grinning so wide at the video—even from her upside down vantage point—that the dig doesn't stick the landing.

Buck looks over at Eddie, who is watching the video serenely, like he's not shocked to see his cool friend full-on shimmying his chest while shoving a grilled cheese into his face.

"Are you not surprised by this at all?" Buck demands.

Eddie shrugs. "If you ever came to karaoke like we keep asking you to, you wouldn't be either. I don't know what you want me to say, Buck. Your man's a dweeb."

He's so annoyed that this is something Eddie's seen so many times before that it doesn't even warrant a reaction that Buck almost forgets to be upset about Maddie and the aforementioned dweeb day drinking and bonding without him. He's oh so glad to see Tommy got over his fear of impressing Maddie enough that he thinks he's allowed to do the fucking running man while in the same room with her.

"C-c-c-c-c-come on!" Tommy howls. Off screen, Maddie cackles and whoops like she's at a rodeo show.

Buck turns to Chimney and says grimly, "After this? You totally get me in the divorce."

Chim makes a face. "Can I contest that?"

"No," Buck says, swiping out of the video before he throws his phone into the street. Almost immediately it chimes with a new text. In a new group chat.

Faxed ur stuff bc ur bf still has a FAX MACHINE and CONNECTIONS at the dir!

Yes and arent uoy glad???1? EVan youre all set baby

BABY lmao gross Going to Jees school now tell u how it goes

When Bobby hauls himself into the front seat, he looks back at them and pauses. Buck doesn't know what his face is doing, but by the dubious expression on Bobby's face, it's nothing good.

"Everything... okay?"

Buck shrugs. "Other than my niece being destined for a career of slinging burgers at In n' Out because my drunk sister and boyfriend are about to get her blackballed from the Los Angeles public school system? We're copasetic, Cap."

'Copasetic,' Eddie mouths, then starts snickering. Buck kicks his foot.

"Hey." Chim smacks him in the chest. "Don't diss fast food workers, they're the backbone of our society. You're just mad you're not cheating Jee out of an education with said sister and boyfriend."

"Aren't you?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm well-actualized enough to simply rise above the betrayal," Chimney says easily.

Hen rolls her eyes. "He's not. Between the two of you, we're going to be hearing about this for the next four years."

"Sorry, Maddie and Tommy are doing what?" Bobby asks slowly.

The corners of Chim's mouth twitch downward. "Dancing to I Want Your Sex. Without me, might I add."

Buck's head turns so fast he hears something pop in his neck. "It's called what?"

"Oh god," Hen mutters. Eddie looks like he's ready to start dozing off.

Buck's gearing up for a really good rant when his phone goes off again, and when he opens the message, it's a selfie of Maddie and Tommy pressed together in someone's backseat—hopefully an Uber's—and grinning so hard it almost looks a little painful.

Jealousy starts to rear its head like a snake, but before it has a chance to strike he clocks the name of the group chat.

The Official Evan Buckley Fan Club.

Be safe out htere! We love you!

"I'm just saying," Chim gripes to a visibly unsympathetic Hen, "Maddie wasn't even a George Michael fan until I made her listen to Hard Day!"

Buck turns to Eddie and kicks his foot again. "Want to join The Evan Buckley Fan Club?"

"Dude, I've been treasurer for like seven years," Eddie says without opening his eyes. "And I cast the deciding vote when Tommy ran for president at the end of last year."

Once upon a time a there lived boy in Hershey, Pennsylvania who never dared to conceive the idea that multiple people might someday love him enough to start a fan club over it.

"You over it yet?" Eddie asks.

Something warm and sweet wells inside him and he ducks his head around a pleased laugh. "Yeah, for now."

He does make a mental note to have a serious talk with Tommy about the proprietary nature of those hip thrusts, though.

[perfectlysanexd]

I haven't done one of these kind of posts in a while, but the expressions in Rebirth were top notch, and I wanted to talk a bit about and analyze Sephiroth's different smiles, both pre and post Nibelheim.

Nibelheim itself is difficult to gauge, because SOLDIER Cloud is actually Zack, and furthermore, some of it is definitely his own wishful thinking. But one thing you can say for sure, is that they portray that Sephiroth, despite being so emotionally weary, still summons up the energy to smile at his friend.

As soon as he turns away from Zack, his smile falls, and he doesn't give one to the Mayor at all.

However, when he turns back to inform the men that they're free until sundown, he summons up another smile for them. I don't think that he's just attempting to keep their morale up, he genuinely has affection for Zack, and cares for the others. He respects them for their service, putting their lives on the line for what they think is a good cause, and Sephiroth—as we saw in Ever Crisis—learned to be a compassionate person, who cares about the lives of others, even enemies.

Of course, he's deeply distressed during this time, the despair is eating him alive. Even Cloud acknowledges(despite having not known Sephiroth on a personal level) that he just wasn't himself once they arrived. But I'm not going to talk about my theories on all the Jenova stuff right now, that's not the focus here. Even at the window, you can tell he's feeling off, but when he turns to Zack, he attempts to smile again.

Sephiroth has never enjoyed his fame, and as we learned in Ever Crisis, he didn't choose it; Shinra made up bogus achievements and declared him to be a hero before even his first field assignment, as part of their recruitment campaign. Can't argue with results, I guess—it certainly got Cloud to join up out of hero worship, right? In EC, Sephiroth admits that all he ever wanted was to be normal, something that he knows he can never have. How sad...

So when this man wants to take his picture, it's no wonder that he's over it by then, and tells him no. And rather politely, too, all things considered. But even before that, he smiles and tells Zack that as long as he does his job, their young tourguide will be safe.

But as soon as he turns his back and walks away? Yeah, that smile immediately fades.

Which certainly doesn't change when the guy takes his picture. But of course, when Zack asks Sephiroth to pose for one, he just can't say no, even though he's not super happy about it. Anyway, he continues to smile at Zack for the duration of their journey up Mt. Nibel, making an effort to talk and even cracking a couple jokes, just trying to be a good leader and keep them in good spirits.

And of course, there's the very sad bridge part, where you can tell that he's genuinely upset that he failed to save the other infantryman that got washed away. He searches for him, but comes up empty-handed. Still, he smiles for Zack and teases him about a performance assessment, since their morale is quite low now, but they need to keep going.

Honestly, the Nibelheim part of Rebirth really did an excellent job of portraying Sephiroth's inner struggle. For reference, there are only 3 points in Remake, I think, when Sephiroth drops his ever-present, sometimes affectionate(towards Cloud) and often unhinged, smile: First, it's replaced with sheer rage as he kills President Shinra.

Second time, is when Aerith has a Cetra moment and suggests that his entire existence is "wrong".

And the third time is when he holds out his hand to Cloud at the Edge of Creation, and is rejected by him.

Anyway, back to Rebirth. Ignoring the bizarre smiles he showed us as Nibelheim was burning, as if he was in a trance and just not all there(that's a subject for a different chat), post-Nibelheim Sephiroth's smiles are interesting, too, if we consider what kind they are, depending on who he's dealing with.

For people he hates, like Tseng, it's much more unhinged looking, and very cold. You can tell there's a certain measure of satisfaction from shanking him, haha...

For someone like Aerith, who...I wouldn't exactly say that he hates her, but she's definitely in the way. I would almost say that he considers her to be actively preventing Cloud from recovering his true memories, leading him to remain as merely Sephiroth's "puppet", but that's a theory for another day. He looks at her coldly, as well, but it's a bit different. There's a bit more respect there than there was for Tseng.

And then there's Zack. Actual Zack. I feel like, deep down, he still cares about him, and has no intention of killing him. I almost sense a little...regret? Maybe? Hm. It's definitely a bit warmer of a smile. And of course, although he had many opportunities to get rid of Zack, he doesn't. Instead, he sends him off into the space between worlds safely.

And of course, last but certainly not least, is the way he smiles at Cloud. I know, I know. "But Sane, you like sefikura, so you're biased!" Look, I won't deny that. However, when you really look at it and compare his smiles, which is what this is all about, his truest smiles are always saved for Cloud. He has 2 different "flavors": pure affection and cruel affection. (There are also a few pity smiles, I think.) The former is used most of the time, whenever Cloud is in his sight, and the latter is used during moments when he's trying to control/influence him. I would almost say that he's...satisfied, yet regretful at the same time?? Like these:

And now, let's contrast that with his more genuine, affectionate smiles for Cloud... (The first shot here ⬇ can be contrasted with the shot 2 up from the bottom there ⬆, as the one above is when he's calling Cloud his puppet, and the one below is when Cloud goes to attack him and he opens his arms wider for the incoming uh...embrace.)

Remake had many interesting smiles from him, too, but that will have to be a different post, as this already has 30 screenshots. Anywho, you're free to draw your own conclusions, and not everyone reads faces in the same way, so maybe I'm nuts. Who knows? Either way, I hope you enjoyed this random, indulgent, very long post, haha. If you made it to the end, you're awesome. 💕

All screenshots were taken by me on my PS5. I won't ask for credit on them, since literally anyone can take an identical shot if they pause at the right second. (The exception are the 3 Remake shots, which were taken on PC with mods and the freecam. For those, I would appreciate credit if you use them anywhere, since I don't watermark them.)

[finalvortex]

Completely overanalysing Shadow Generations: Dark Beginnings Episode 1

The opening is a deliberate parallel to the scene leading into Maria's death (images taken here from Shadow '05, although this scene is also in SA2). If you're paying attention you can immediately tell it's a fakeout, though: there's no alarm blaring, the lighting is blue rather than red, and Maria is pulling Shadow along instead of the other way around.

It's the aurora borealis. You can only see them from certain latitudes down there, but up here, we can see the whole...

Maria's a nerd.

Shadow is immediately prepared to catch Maria when she collapses.

The low gravity here only keeps your condition in remission. You should know better than to exert yourself.

This is new information I think? I don't think this makes scientific sense but I guess it provides a justification for why Maria is up here aboard the ARK beyond 'that's where the research is being done'. Only, the ARK was a space colony, there were other civilians aboard it as well, like the future GUN commander.

I can't wait for the day when we can finally return. I was created here. I don't know if there's a place for me on Earth.

I just wanted to highlight this exchange as significant to Shadow's overall character arc across his history, being one where he has carved out a place for himself on earth.

Love the way Maria comforts shadow here.

You and grandfather are doing your best. I'm just as happy to spend time with you here, while you both research-

I think this is just awkward wording, but surely Shadow isn't doing any researching?

My boyyyy

Hull breach in the experimental weapons wing! Multiple subjects are free of containment!

Multiple subjects? Given the events of Lost Impact, things are just escaping from here all the time, huh.

Here's the entries on this incident from Gerald's journal in Sonic Battle:

The higher ups are threatening to shut down this research facility. I had no choice but to hand them the Gizoid to buy more time for my research. I tried to be careful and commanded it to never absorb any dangerous technologies. However, I have heard that other researchers have been making the Gizoid absorb weapons. Apparently, the way to cause the Gizoid to form a new "Link" is to show it power that surpasses that of its former master. While this poses immense danger, I cannot risk losing Maria.

My worst fears have come true. The Gizoid has absorbed enough weaponry and technology that it has started to go out of control. The resulting rampage resulted in the destruction of most of the "Ark." ... I have deciphered the rest of the stone tablet. It says, "When the Gizoid had learned all that it could, it became a god of wrath, and all was destroyed." The researchers somehow managed to subdue the Gizoid and sealed it away.

That robot was heading towards Grandfather's lab! Shadow, you have to save him!

Why was Emerl - uh, well, I guess Project Gizoid at this point - headed directly for Gerald? If he was overloaded with power, like at the end of Sonic Battle, he should just be destroying things indiscriminately, right? So... was this a deliberate ploy by GUN to get rid of Gerald?

Maria grabbing Shadow's hand breaks the illusion briefly and triggers a trauma-induced flashback (forward?) to the GUN soldier shooting her. Compare with the actual scene from Shadow '05:

Again, why is Emerl specifically targeting Gerald here?

Not much to say about the fight scene aside from the fact that it's really well animated, and it happens with no background music to emphasize the weight of the blows being thrown. It's also really cool how Emerl copies Shadow's spin attack - you don't need to know how the Gizoid functions for that to be a cool visual, but it's a nice nod if you do.

Ok this is really confusing me. Is there any mention of GUN having a space fleet anywhere? Where did these things come from? They don't even share the same aesthetic as other GUN vehicles, they look more like the Egg Fleet.

Nice look at Shadow's Air Shoes from below the glass floor.

Next Shadow lands into Gerald's cell on Prison Island, which raises the question: why is this in Shadow's memories? Is this just his memory of the recording from SA2? Or was Shadow not put on ice until after Gerald's execution? We know it wasn't immediately after the ARK was destroyed, since he was around long enough for Gerald to alter his memories.

There is a bit of static distortion here, with an analog effect that implies it might just be the video.

On the other hand, we actually get these very brief flashes of Gerald's execution here, which we don't see in SA2 itself.

The professor gets farther and farther away from Shadow. He can no longer reach him.

Shadow then falls into a red sky, with bits of debris floating all around him, reflecting the final battle against Devil Doom in Shadow '05.

Interestingly, this scene is mixing imagery from both Gerald and Maria's deaths. The image of the GUN soldiers is the firing line that killed Gerald, and the sound of the lightning turns into automatic gunfire, as opposed to the single pistol shot that killed Maria.

Finally, Shadow falls into the giant face and outstretched hands of Black Doom.

Waking up from his nightmare in a panic, Shadow uses that damn fourth chaos emerald* to Chaos Spear this unfortunate tree.

*Okay, the fourth chaos emerald was the white one.

The moon looks so good.

Shadow stands in a field surrounded by lilies, a flower which can be used to symbolise purity as well as death, and is a flower commonly used at funerals. In particular, they are often placed on the graves of children.

That was no mere nightmare. And it all began in view of the ARK. Could he have survived? No, that can't be. I need answers.

Shadow seems to think the sight of the ARK is what triggered this nightmare. I think the only 'he' that makes sense here is Black Doom, since Gerald and Emerl are both pretty definitively dead.

Based on the trailer, I think from here Shadow is going to collect Team Dark to raid an Eggman base so they can obtain a rocket to get up to the ARK.

The song that plays over the credits is a remix of Throw it All Away. I have no idea why it shows footage of the biolizard fight, beyond "this is the Sonic Adventure 2 focused episode".

[dcafanzine]

Hi everyone! We’re super excited to start introducing our contributors! Let’s let them introduce themselves!

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hello ! I'm enduu and I really like Sun and Moon. I was very lucky to be part of the Backstage Pass bonus zine! This is my first time joining a group and contributing, so to be honest, I'm still in a daze. When I first saw these two, I was so deeply impressed by the narrative, and I was curious about their daily lives, so I started drawing them, and here I am! We will continue to move forward for the happiness of these two!!!

Twitter | Tumblr

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Hello hello!! My name is Melody and i'm one of the artist on the main Glitches and Glitterglue zine! I haven't done zines in a long time so i'm both nervous and excited! I honestly have no idea how I fell into the DCA hole the two just grabbed me by the ankles and into this lovely fandom it seems >:)) it's been absolutely amazing seeing all the art and writing that's been brought together by the lovely mods so I can't wait for you and I to see the final result!!

My Instagram! @/Mellytunee

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Heya! My name's DJ, I'll be writing one of the pieces for the main zine! I've never worked on a zine before, but I'm super excited to do so, especially since it's about the silly jester lads. I can't say the hyperfixation took me by surprise; I've always loved robots and jesters! I'm in love with Sun and Moon's designs, and they're just so full of personality (plus I adore Moon's wheezy gremlin giggling)

Though I have a few small accounts here and there, you can find me primarily at @dragonjesterwrites.

[harveybucket]

HIIIIII EVERYONE!!

I finally finished the attack for ▶▸@heippalappu◂◀, ☼@ruby-hux☼, and ✺@dertyclown✺ !!!!! <33

[calamitaswrath]

Arval Fireemblemwarriorsthreehopes and A Xenobladechronicles3futureredeemed were a targeted one-two strike against my gender identity, and I will never forgive them for it (affectionate).

[mister13eyond]

talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"

like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like

imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.

i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

it's night time<333 (with a lil sibling bonding bonus: >;Dc)

studio au belongs to @zu-is-here fem designs are made by me

[pvremichigan]

Whoopsie time

[topaztimes]

Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that

[spectrearia]

sometimes i feel like sharing more project diva recordings for songs that I find super challenging/fun but idk if anyone really even cares about that game as much as I do lol

[snowflop]

I want to be a hater about the cyl results so I'm making my own post so i can bitch in the tags about it. The tags will get long so the tldr is BOOOO everybody but Alfonse.

[neverendingford]

.

[gothamstreetcat]

Putting under the cut what ended up being such a long sad/angry rant about Wesley and how he was treated on the show. I just want to say how I feel. A lot of this is personal and I apologize.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few days about how it really boils my blood that I feel there was so much pressure for Wesley to be in love with Fred. If he was not "in love" (I really don't even want to say that) with her he had to be a creep and if not that he had to be obsessed (based off of how the show was really portraying him at points). It’s almost as if he had no value unless he was in love with her or his entire being didn’t revolve around her. Like, if he wasn’t the bumbling fool for everyone to make fun off he just had to be so obsessed to the points it made him look bad. Almost as though the writers took his little "crush" from one fucking episode and decided to run a train without the tracks.

It's such a shame because this idea of Wesley being infatuated with Fred came across as though it had to be his whole personality as though Wesley himself couldn't be loved for anything else (like being smart or funny). And the entirety surrounding Fred was also used as a foil for his relationship with Lilah, which in my opinion is so stupid, because this crush with Fred was -again- so fleeting and ended so badly, yet at the same time it consumes Wesley's being.

And I know I’ve said this in the past, but Wesley during Billy was not him; and I really believe it has everything to do with his father and how he was raised and someone he was scared to become. Wesley does not come off to me as the kind of person to feel that was towards women or have monstrous/evil thoughts. Even for "dark" Wesley that's really pushing it. He's just the kind of guy "that makes the tough decisions even if he's making them alone." Not only that but Wesley constantly has moments where you know he's been abused, and for me, I see that as he's not going to be an abuser because he's already the abused, even as an adult. Even when his not-dad showed up he fell back into his old self and was suddenly never good enough. So, going back Billy it just seems hard for me to imagine Wesley ever trying again after the traumatic events that ensued for him - that also had him struggling with himself as a person. Having him be so infatuated with Fred after this - to me - is just so disrespectful to his character, especially if only to hurt him in the end and further isolate him. Wesley is not a perfect person, I know that but some of the shit he went though on the show just seemed over the top.

I don't actually know or personally understand why people even want Wesley and Fred to be together but let me say how I've been feeling that Fred is just a more loved version of Wesley - another thing that really makes me upset/uncomfortable. They were both smart but somehow Fred was smarter (during that episode when those demons came and wanted her brain instead of Wesley's) yet, at the same time everyone needed Wesley's help when he wasn't part of the team anymore. Which, of course there are different ways to smart and should be recognized but at the same time Fred was just seen as so cute and quirky for everything she did while other times Wesley was not appreciated. Anytime Fred became upset or triggered over what happened to her she was comforted and emphasized with. When she was rescued from Pylea she was given space and everyone worked with her and tried to help her. Anytime Wesley talked about his dad he was looked at as strange or talked to in such a casual manor (because the characters were so bluntly blind to his abuse (i.e when he killed his not-dad in season five). Even when he was clearly feeling a certain way after the events in “Lineage” Angel and Spike treated it as if it was no big deal and I get the assumption that when Wesley killed his not-dad it was more about protecting Fred rather then freeing himself (which is what it should have fucking been about. This man literally stood in front of him and said “don’t make me shoot you,” and I wonder how many threats were made on Wesley’s life for him to not be stunned by that.)

I will however say that when Wesley got shot he was well loved and cared for. This was, of course pre-Fred and pre-Conner but was looked after during this time (by this two best friends I might add who ended up fucking losing completely to the mess that is season 3).

Another thing I've gathered from the grapevine is that it appears losing Fred was somehow a breaking point for Wesley (but also everyone else too) and I would really like to fucking understand why. Fred is beloved, I get that but at the same time they also lost Cordelia who was very loved and had some so far as a person - and as for Wesley that man has been through some fucking shit, but why is losing Winifred some make or break for him?? Wesley literally lost his entire family because of what happened, he had his throat cut and was literally fucking dying as some homeless man dragged him into the bushes before stealing his money. He was so cut off from everyone and pretty much had the metaphorical door slammed in his face - unless of course he was needed - and I know I talk about the park scene a lot, and I know fans get mad over what Wesley did they're entitled to feel that way, of course, but at the same time - no one is going to be more mad at Wesley then the self-loathing man himself. He knows he screewed up.

On top of that, Angel, everyone's literal champion, went to the hospital and tried to fucking kill him. And a lot of people point out how Wesley never apologized for what he did, but when Angel apologized for what he did it was literally only because he needed something. And everyone was so wrapped around Angel's dick and what he wanted so nothing could be mended, mind you, this was also the man that signed them off to work for the literal Devil without their consent. Now, I get he was doing it for his son and that's admirable- he's just a tired dad trying to do his very best - but you literally didn't have to drag everyone else with you (especially since the only reason Wesley was there in the first place was to give Lilah peace he believed she deserved for her suffering. Show me a greater act of true love and I'll shut the fuck up.)

Wesley lost his best friend to the higher powers (his friendship with Gunn was so long gone at this point) and the love of his life (because the only time Wesley wasn't so wrapped up in Fred was when he was grieving Lilah) but somehow Fred had to be the be all end all. Even in his death he couldn't escape it and it still had to be about Fred and being lied to and being with her. I see a lot of fans talk about how he was in love with the idea of Fred and being a hero and getting the girl and finally being loved but in reality all those things Wesley thinks heroes get in the end are a fantasy. He's not going to be loved, Angel is not going to get over Conner and his dad is never going to love and respect him as a human being. In fact, I feel like the only thing Wesley had to resemble being a hero was the fact that he died in the end. I mean, of course he was a good person and did his best and he did help people and save them - but at the same time he went through so much shit just to die in the very end and he couldn't even have that to himself.

The Writers liked to put on this face of Wesley being happy when he sees Fred doing her little speech, and it could have easily been about missing his friends and missing people he was close to but we know that's not the case. Not only that, but Wesley went through something so traumatic and you can't always some back from that. He was literally so changed from what happened to him and he was never the same (he literally reminds me of Bruce Wayne in so many ways with the trauma and the turtlenecks and the stone facial expressions; they literally are the same person only Bruce hates guns). Even when he came back into the group or went to work for W&H and everything was erased. Yet somehow Fred just has to be what keeps him connected to something more human... and I really can't understand why when The Writers (I mean, obviously to hurt Wesley because they don't value him) would even want Wesley to be with someone who is so nasty to him.

Fred was understanding when her and Gunn were ransacking Wesley's apartment (which they didn't even clean up by the way) yet, to his face she told him never to come back and also didn't even look at him when she talked about the prophecy being false and everything being a waste of time. Telling Wesley how wrong he was but literally everyone makes mistakes (Angel literally said Conner had been smelling like food and fucking told no one until he had a meltdown). Wesley during that time was just mentally going through it and he didn't think he could tell anyone and did everything he thought he could do - and then for Fred to be upset with him for fucking being with Lilah when he was literally so alone and she was the only one to give him a crumb of human decency. She really only bothered him about the job once and every time they talked you could tell how much they really bounced off one another.

Fred was also the only one who was so mean to him after Lilah's death when he was being vulnerable and trying to open up to her. Now again, this is partly The Writers who think it's okay to compare Wesley's consensual relationship with Lilah to Not-Cordelia sleeping with Conner (which was basically Conner being raped by his unborn woman child using his mother's body), which is disgusting, but also for Fred to fucking roll her eyes and try to gaslight Wesley and his emotions when he's being vulnerable. Again, something I bitch about a lot but it's only because I know what it's like to be that person being vulnerable to their friends, only to have said friends literally roll their eyes and dismiss my feelings - it's disgusting. Wesley had literally just lost Lilah and had no one to talk to about it but he tried *twice* with two people who used to be his closest friends. But I guess that is just more of a way to affirm how Lilah is for Wesley (despite the fact that she is literally perfect for him but I don't know if I want to get into that now).

I feel like Angel never got over Conner (it being mentioned in season five) and that is what it is - I get it, but at the same time I'm also so bothered by the fact that Wesley is always going to have this big terrible thing hung over him. Gunn also made a huge mistake but that was what is was, a mistake and okay because "Gunn is a good person" (and I'm okay with that, I'm in no way trying to shit on Gunn but I am aware there was controversy surround this back when the show was on). However, I have an issue with Wesley having to be so punished for his mistake when others are empathized with. And I know what happened with Holtz was about Angelus and that Angel has a soul and he is good - but this is also the vampire with a soul who tried to fucking suffocate Wesley to death. It doesn't feel fair to entirely blame Angel for Angelus's actions against Holtz's family's, However, that's still a huge part of his past, and not everyone is going to have empathy and compassion for you just because you have a soul. I'm not trying to say that as a way to excuse Wesley's mistake but I feel that so much is always put on Wesley and him alone.

I'm sorry this post is so long and messy. I was going to spend a little bit of time talking about his relationship with Lilah, however, I want this to be more about Wesley as an individual - so I'll shut up here and save that conversation for the tags.

This was four pages long in google docs, why can't I write my fanfiction like that?

[becca-alexa]

love it when i meet with people and find out their sole purpose in life is finding me a husband 😔🙏💗

[adore-gregor]

my perception of grades totally changed since i started uni