#I can't promise on being able to clean up all past posts but I am trying to be more consistant going forward

[lil-kissy]

Now I want to make it perfectly clear that I don't have any current plans to like end or stop this blog / Kisa. I still want to keep rping with her, rping with all of you and building stuff.

However I can't lie and say I haven't been feeling like things have stagnated a lot- just in general.

--

I really do want to try and write more metas / headcanons /drabbles or you know even like actual rp threads n stuff. Just been stuck on what to do.

So I guess take this post in part as my way of asking you all for help. Like what would you want to see or do with her? Anything you'd like to know or think I should focus on idk?

Any recommendations, suggestions or otherwise general feed back on something I could do?

Questions for the smol herself?

I know sometimes she's not easy to interact with, at least I know sometimes I have trouble figuring out how to interact.

And honestly that is a big reason why I've started trying to post more memes, box is always open for anything, always accepting memes no matter how old though if you are sending in a older meme especially emoji ones just make sure to also send what one it is and not just the emoji so I'm not having to guess.

[yuurei20]

So in the second novel, after Leona's overblot does it go into his past or is it just the speech afterwards?

Hello hello! We see a brief interaction between Leona and his brother that is similar to how things played out in the game.

Some places are identical but other places are only in the game, other places are only in the novel, and other places are similar in both but slightly different, so I put the pieces from each together into a puzzle--I hope this helps!

(The EN translation is great but I am posting screenshots from both servers for just in case anyone is curious)

"From the moment I was born, there’s been a boulder on top of me that’s too heavy to move.

From the very instant I came into this world—no, long before that. This weight has always been here.

Once, when I was too young to understand anything, I asked about it like a fool, and the butler looked genuinely troubled.

Not once, throughout all his long years spent serving the royal family, had he ever worn such a perplexed expression. In that moment I realized that I had no right to desire the throne.

Not to boast, but I was a clever, intelligent child. But even so, someone should have been able to understand me, sooner or later.

I will have my chance, too. Someday, someone will see me for who I am. I was so certain, and I worked so hard.

Until I realized it was all for nothing.

'Come on, let's finish up quickly before Leona-sama returns.' 

The servants are whispering as they clean.

‘I can't deal with such a moody child.' 

I can hear them through the door. 

‘He’s probably out there asking twisted questions, troubling his tutor. Crown Prince Falena-sama is so bright and cheerful, so why is his younger brother Leona-sama so sullen?’

‘It’s so troublesome. And to think a member of our own royal family possesses magic that turns everything to sand...'

‘Both of you, will you stop with that! What will happen if someone overhears you.’

Nothing. That’s how I want to respond, with a laugh. If I were to open this door, step inside, and show them this ‘terrifying power,’ I wonder what their faces would look like.

Of course, I would never do that. 

I used to have them reprimanded, indiscriminately, for being so ill-mannered, but by this point I had stopped. Because I had realized that it will never end.

Unique magic that is inherited at birth has nothing to do with the person’s will, but humans wrapped up in their own superstitions are ignorant to common sense.

Or maybe they think this is a power that I desired, and fought to obtain. Either way, they are not worth dealing with. I dislike hassles. And I hate doing things that have no point.

And yet, I still find myself thinking.

I bet that if I were the Crown Prince, this is what everyone would have said: ‘A promising mage with strong magical power? He is so thoughtful, composed, and completely different from his carefree younger brother.’

I knew thinking about it was pointless, but I couldn't stop. And I started to hate myself for it.

The hope I had been clinging to finally disappeared with the birth of my brother's son.

'Leona! Why weren’t you at today’s ceremony?'

My older brother was so polite as to confront me directly with reality.

‘Ceremony? Ah, you mean the party you threw to parade your child around in front of the nation? Yeah, sorry about that. I ended up going back to sleep.’

‘Such a lazy…the presentation of a future king to the citizens is an important day.’

‘Certainly. An important, joyous day. Since it’s the same day that the despised second prince’s only chance to inherit the throne disappears. Everyone in town and throughout the palace must be undoubtedly relieved.’

Even if both my father and my brother were to die, I cannot become king. The throne is a hopeless prospect. And he knows. He knows that I have longed for the day I would succeed to the throne since I was a child.

And still he believes that it is only natural that I would celebrate the birth of his son.

I cannot bear the kindness of someone so stupid.

‘Do not say it like that!’ 

If you can make such a pained expression as you speak, why don’t you hand over the throne? That glory that you’ve had since you were born without struggling a day in your life.

‘Being born first must be nice. You spend every day singing and lazing around, and become king.’

He furrows his brows, looking sad, as if preparing to counsel me.

‘Leona…you may never be king, but you are still wise. There is so much you could do for this country.’

For this country. What a cruel, detestable thing to say.

‘And? You’re telling me that, for this country, I should serve you obediently? You have some nerve, saying something like that while trying to be all chummy!’

‘That’s not what I mean! You cannot let that power of yours rot away, unused.’

‘And maybe if this country selected its kings on the basis of intelligence, I’d be motivated to do something with it.’

If I have to talk to this naiive man any longer I might go insane. Just before I left the library I turned to him, and smiled.

‘Congratulations, Falena-sama. I sincerely rejoice in the birth of a new sun…surely the future of the kingdom of Sunset Savanna is incredibly bright.’

Without waiting for a response, I slammed the door shut.

No matter how hard I study, no matter how powerful the magic I become capable of commanding, it will never be acknowledged that I am superior to my brother, and I will never become king. Why do I have to endure such thoughts, just because I was born a few years too late? 

Simply because I was born in the wrong order, everything I do is dismissed; nothing is even acknowledged.

Why did I have to be born second? Why will I never get to be first? Why. Why. Why. 

—Life truly is unfair."

(This connects directly to here!)

[bubacorn]

Whenever you post on ao3 I brace myself to sob about it. Wdym ii worked through a fever (you are so right) 😭

⬆️ ii with a fever of 103°, sweating through his pyjamas & about to try to go take the trash out because it's "his turn". Just before he is gently herded into a lukewarm shower & back to bed by the others. Because it is 4am & trash day isn't for 2 more days. (He is a little delirious)

😭 Oh, that's flattering, but also *offers blanket, plushie and a warm drink* (Sorry for the sad)

Had to convert that, but yes! Exactly! And he doesn't a see a problem with that once he gets better, because he can't just abandon his responsibilities because he's a little weak. They had to cuddle-wrestle him multiple times to hold him back from going downstairs and making breakfast/checking their grocery list/trying to start cleaning. And then it takes even longer for him to get better, and then they talk about it and he promises to take it easier. Just a little bit. And the others try to counterbalance by doing some housework before II could do it, so he sees that he doesn't have to always take care of everything. Even starts asking for help in little things. The urge to handle it all starts to ease up. They love to see it.

Also, now thinking about Vessel being confused during II's transformation because he doesn't complain and tries to go about his day like he would normally. And Vessel knows it must hurt, but II doesn't show it. Vessel realizes II is great at masking pain and pretending everything's fine. He's crap at asking for help. One night he goes up to Vessel and asks for cuddles, and Vessel feels him let go and shake in his arms, and II hides his face in Vessel's shirt, and he knows he knows. He understands. And II hopes that it's okay. But his insides hurt and Sleep nudged at his mind to go to his other, to ask for help and II tries to shake the memories of standing in front of another door somewhere in the past, looking with pleading eyes at someone else, and getting turned away for being overdramatic. But Vessel just closes his book and steers II to his bed, covers him in blankets and holds him, making sure that he's comfortable. And II knows that that is what it should be like, he knows all those past instances were just wrong, and that whatever Vessel was doing is right, but still. He shouldn't need it that bad. And he can't tell Vessel that his tears are not from the tearing pain from inside. Or they are, but not from the changes, but from the pain in his chest that seems to lessen when Vessel wraps his arms around him tighter and presses a kiss to his hair and starts humming to him.

That ran away from me. But II needing to be the strong one is so clear to me, he's so often painted as the stable one in the group and I think that's valid, but he needs a break, too, and I see him as the 'older sibling who masks their suffering to protect everyone else'. And he needs hugs and soft care, too. Needs to be able to admit that he hurts, too. And the others give that to him. I am very normal about them.

Thank you, thank you for the ask and for letting me ramble, I love you for this! 💖 Hope you have a lovely day! 🫂

[honoredbastard]

I COME BACK WITH THOUGHTS/THEORIES ON ITADORI AND HIS RELATIONS- I THINK.

anyways, so i'll just point this out: i'm not good at speaking my thoughts in an organized manner. i absolutely suck at it, i speak on how my brain brings up the thoughts so i might ramble, get over my head in a thought, etc. i can't control it so i apologize in advance for the jumpiness of the texts. i will spell a lot of things wrong and not everything will be correct, as i read translations and on a manga site. don't worry it's not illegal, i believe.

MANGA SPOILERS AHEAD.

i apologize for my absence! last week or two weeks ago the tower to my computer completely broke and will not turn on. i tried to repair it and follow my fathers instructions but nothing worked. even cleaned off the fan and went through countless nights readjusting things. it's not my cords either so to help me out my father is working extra shifts to get me a new pc. so in the meantime i'll do small posts like these but not full writing/head canons until i have a computer tower lol. a family member was kind enough to allow me to have their phone while we work throughout this issue.

now onto the actual topic:

kenjaku and itadori's relationship. ( family wise ).

for context in the most recent chapter, 160 "colony" kamo shows up in sasaki's home and talks to her about the culling game and a barrier. but that's not the point, the point is as he's guiding her to the barrier inside her "dream" at the end he says "oh right. i almost forgot to tell you. thank you for getting along with my son." and then she is awakened inside the barrier, in her pajamas beside iguchi. when sasaki and iguchi look at the barrier and gather themselves they bring up kamo.

sasaki asked iguchi if he mentioned his son and he says no. this leaves sasaki in a state of confusion when itadori flashes in her mind. she says his name aloud like she finally connected the dots. now. why am i bringing up this whole kenjaku thanking sasaki for being his "son"'s friend. it throws me off because why didn't he thank iguchi?

did he not think iguchi meant their friendship? because sasaki was the one uninjured and still counted itadori as a friend? does iguchi not consider itadori as a friend anymore?

because we haven't seen these two at all since the incident. that raised many questions in me. as well "how can itadori be related to kamo?" and itadori is related to choso.

because kamo's technique is explained ( vaguely. we are aware he can create barriers, take over bodies, and has incredible cursed tools. chapter 134. this is also where choso makes his connection ( i believe. ) to itadori yuji as his brother. but because we saw this with todo many thought itadori just had another unconsious technique that allows the person who is hit create false memories and believe of a completely made up relationship with itadori without his knowledge. but alas, i was wrong. ) and we're given more hints shown than told ( imo ) i tried my best to make sense out of the situation and what he said. i think my conclusions are pretty solid, so continuing on.

we're given very little history on itadori, his past, and family. at the start of the manga we know that itadori's only family he knows is his grandfather and that he is ill in the hospital. at the very very beginning we learn that itadori is your average cute, fluffy, laid back but strong and goofy protagonist. in smaller words: itadori is kirby but even cuter and dumber.

my first impressions of him is a pineapple. if you're confused to this saying: it's calling a person prickly on the outside but sweet on the inside. and this is true, itadori's grandfather seems prickly and cold on the outside but he genuinely cares for itadori.

he raised itadori for all we know and did that with his all in assumption. but this ends up backfiring onto itadori, because he cares so much for his grandson - he ends up leaving a " curse " on yuji.

help people. save them.

itadori takes this to heart as his grandfathers speech is his last one. when he looks over to his grandfather the man is dead and now yuji is left alone. then the following events occur.

at this point in time i assumed itadori was an orphan ( he technically is if we're connecting the dots. his parents has not been shown, he doesn't speak of them, they aren't in the picture. we can conclude either they disowned itadori or died before he could make complete memories of them. )

but when we are shown in chapter 143 itadori's parents we see this "woman" jin ( yuji's father ) and his grandfather talking about has the same scar pattern. this scar pattern is either stitching ( assuming that is how kamo keeps the top of the opened skull from coming off. this is also how kamo revealed his cursed technique / body of sorts ( the brain, assuming that is kenjaku in his cursed technique and not the body / puppet he is controlling " getou suguru " ) to gojou. )

this is the only way i find kamo being able to assign itadori as his son. why is that you might be asking this dumbass here.

we do not have the full story, exact date, location, and full context of the memory/dream itadori is having. this cannot be fake either because kamo would than have no reason to call itadori his son. or is there? anyways.

take a leap of faith with me. imagine that before itadori is born ( he seems no more than a few weeks or days old in this memory. hence why i am thinking my conclusion is pretty solid in theory. but yknow gege, there might be something different. ) anywhooo.

TW. D3ATH/IMPLYING ANTI LIFE ATTEMPT

kamo had to have taken over yuji's mothers body after an accident OR after she gave birth to yuji. his grandfather is interrupted by her before he can finish his sentence but it seems to be leading to the conclusion that either kaori ( yuji's mother ) died while giving birth to yuji or kaori could not conceive and tried to take her own life or cause an accident that would take her life. ( i read a fan translation for this part but im pretty sure i also read the official translation today too and it added up to the same. )

i believe in the first idea, but since kamo's cursed technique wasn't explained in detail i don't know the conditions of his body technique. does the original host of the body have to be dead? can he regenerate body limbs ( i highly doubt. getou lost an arm during his fight with yuta. overconfident dick. reminding me of an ex ANTWAYS. i forgive him for being overconfident smooch. he learned. OFF TOPIC but continuing on i promise.

this is being continued from the cut off point. i'm so upset so it'll just be summarized. i can't believe this shit lol i took three hours just to finish it for it to literally cut off the bottom half.

continuing on in a sadge mood. kamo must not have the complete ability to take over a body. after all getou took his only arm he had as he was dying and choked his own body to his full ability. getou was willing to die ( possibly, you never know he could be alive if he killed his own body. moving on. ) just to have the chance to save his friend from being swallowed by a damn box.

so there has to be a chance that kamo cannot fully take over the previous persons complete consious and memory of their body. if getou still had his other arm after losing the fight to yuta, he could've choked kamo with both arms. in theory kamo wouldn't be able to control the right arm and die to the previous host choking him to death.

so why wouldn't the other hosts do it? after all, kamo did say it was his first time experiencing such a thing. assuming kamo has lived throughout many bodies in his 150+ lifespan none of the previous hosts could take control of their body.

i believe getou was completely influenced by gojou and his six eyes. there is no way gojou would even try to speak out to his friend unless he had an inkling or saw getou still in there. helpless and without the ability to save himself from the cage he's in.

being used and puppeteered in his own body by an external force. laughing in the world he could not. putting getou into a constant misery and defeat that he couldn't escape his hell. the one he tried so hard to fight and get out of. even if it was the wrong path.

gojou was the last person to witness getou dying. he had to watch getou bleed out after their conversation because he couldn't bring himself to kill his friend. the one he spent his whole jujutsu student life with. so for gojou to say such a thing to getou despite all that he did had to break getou out of his misery and give him that small sliver of hope that he could do something. of course he failed, but i doubt that's going to be the end of that.

the only way i see kamo being related to yuji is if he took over kaori's body before the pregnancy. assuming that when kamo takes over a body he becomes one with said body and is that person for however long he lives in said body. my only thing is, can he take over a persons body whilst they are alive? i would go more in depth like i did the last time but i am extremely upset about my work being erased so that's the end of this part.

thank you for reading! i have one more thing for you though.

the last time we see sukuna in a manga page after the shibuya incident is where he is on his throne and in his domain. this is after yuji is stabbed by yuta and is presumed "dead" at the time. he seems to be interested in yuta and i can think of 2-3 things. I would love to hear your theories too so don't be afraid to barge into my dms like the koolaid man.

A - sukuna is interested in Yuta because of his ability to use the reverse healing technique ( only a few sorcerers know this. sukuna being the first. shoko being the second one to be told that she has this power and then gojou. ) because of this he sees potential in yuta as well or has added this boy into his plans. after all, there is very few that can make sukuna make an expression that isn't an RBF. aka megumi and possibly gojou. I was looking at the page of him stabbing yuji and noticed we only see the entry point of where the blade enters. it's smaller because some got chunked off so its a possibility yuta used this to his advantage when "killing" yuji and instead hit an artery that could kill him but quickly healed him afterwards. or just his heart. the ideas.

B. Rika, Yuta is able to completely control Rika as shown. Even though he claims he is on the weak side, these two combined seem like an unstoppable force. He may be interested in Rika as she is a curse that has been put on someone that can fully control it. Not many people is shown to be able to control their curse. As we haven't met many.

this was enti and that's the last of my post! thank you for reading and it was a fun one. even though i had to restore this shit. anyways, i'd love you to add or fix up my ideas and tell me your thoughts and opinions! Thanks a bunch!

^ this is for pure humor

[devinescribe]

Stay High

Karube Daikichi × Reader

Based off this song

No, because It's a three am sad thought that should have been kept in my head. This is totally not based off of my deepest darkest feeling and fears. Anyways, ignore that. Um... yeah.

Warnings: Episode 3 spoilers, Manga spoilers, weed, smoking, suicide (this went darker than I intended, ok?), and another terrible attempt at angst :)

"Karu! For the last time, we're not getting a freaking parrot!" You scolded. "Aww, why not babe? They're cute," he said, pouting. You smiled kissing him quickly. "... I'll think about it," you said, before heading out. "I think that means we will have a-" "Don't push your luck babe. I'll see you after work."

_______________________________________

"And here is my attempt at trying to be nice. Happy anniversary!" You chirped, sliding a rather large gift his way. It had a draped cover over it, so he couldn't see inside. He looked at you suspiciously, slowly taking it in his hands. You had a camera in your hands, and we're smirking. He didn't trust that smirk. "Why do you have that camera?" He asked, nodding to it. "Just filming. It's a special day babe," you said, hiding your smile. "Can i-" "Don't you dare shake it-" He raised his hands in mock surrender, before slowly lifting the sheet.

You saw the smile that spread across his face. "I said I'd think about it," you said. He stood up, pulling your waist into him. He kissed you softly, making you smile in your head. "I'm guessing this means you like your gift?" You asked, a smirk on your face. "It's a fucking parrot, hell yeah I like it," he said. You laughed, pressing a kiss to his temple.

Tears blurred your vision, falling onto the screen of the camera. Had it really been a year since then?

"Ok, now I get to film you! Welcome to day 1 of our roadtrip, I don't know where we're going, but we'll find out soon enough," Karube said, turning the camera to face him. He then turned it to face you. You were putting your luggage into the trunk of your car, and looked up with a smile, giving the camera a peace sign. The parrot, who you two decided to name Nijiko after much deliberation due to its coloring, squawked on your shoulder. You smiled. "Yes, you'll be going to day care  for a while Nijiko," you spoke to the bird, petting it's beak softly. The bird shivered. "Day care? Nijiko day care?" It squawked, tilting it's head to the side. You nodded. "Yes, smart bird. Nijiko is going to daycare," you praised. "I sometimes wonder if she loves the bird more than me. The answer is yes. Yes she does," Karube said, laughing as you spoke to the bird.

"Update, it's been 4 hours, and we are in the middle of no where. The child(the bird) has been dropped off at day care... well boarding? For the week. The music's pretty good though, and this angel next to me is still here, so we're all good," he said. He was really serious about filming this. "Babe, why are you filming this again?" You asked, reaching to grab his hand on the center console. "Because memories baby girl," he responded, kissing the back of your hand as it was intertwined with his. You laughed, blowing him a kiss, turning your attention back to the road.

"Day 3 of our roadtrip, (Y/N) is deciding on what to wear, but as I've told her, she looks great in everything," he stated. You flipped him off, picking out something to wear finally. "Wowwwww, I can really feel the love," he said sarcastically, holding a hand to his chest dramatically. "Shut up, you know I love you," you said, rolling your eyes. "I know you do. Who wouldn't love me?" he joked. "I don't know babe. Watch it though, 'cause you're mine~!"

"Ok, it's a few hours later, (Y/N) is getting snacks, and I'm super nervous, because of this," he said, talking to camera. He pulled out a small box, showing the ring to the camera. "I've been documenting this whole thing like a maniac, because I didn't want her to be suspicious. But anyways, yeah... I've been thinking about it for a while, seeing as we've been together since high school. I am terrified, in all honesty," he rambled, running a hand through his hair. He put the small box back to where you wouldn't find it, but he wouldn't lose it. He saw you walking back to the car, and smiled. You opened the door, giving him a weird look. "You're filming again?" You questioned. He nodded. "You love the sound of your voice don't you?" You asked with a smile. He laughed, "Not as much as I love yours."

_______________________________________

He placed the camera was on a nearby fence post, facing you two, close enough to see and hear both of you. He started recording, and gave a thumbs up to the camera. You looked out to the water, admiring the hues of blue. The water crashed into the shore, spraying you with water. "You know when we get married, I'm definitely going to take you here again," he said. You kept looking out at the water, not noticing him. "When we get married? You already have this planed?" You laughed. You turned to face him, not seeing him at eye level. You looked down, and your eyes widened. "As I was saying, when we get married-" he started, getting interrupted when you jumped onto him, throwing your arms around his neck. You both fell to the sand, and you two couldn't help but laugh. "Are you serious? Like, really?" You asked, tears in your eyes. "Yeah, I'm serious. (Y/N), you've been with me for what seems like forever. I love you so much, and I want to be yours forever. Just as much as you'll be mine. So... would you do me the honor, and marry me?" He asked. He might have sounded confident, but he was shaking on the inside. The tears in your eyes fell, and you laughed nodding. "Yes, a million times yes," you said. He laughed, letting out a sigh of relief. You hugged him tightly, your head in the crook of his neck. "Forever and ever?" You whispered. "Forever and ever."

You looked down at the ring on your finger, crying even harder. His side of the bed stayed empty, no one would ever be able to sleep there. Not even you. His side of the room stayed untouched. The same way it had been left that morning. Before the accident.

"(Y/N)... I know you're sad, but this isn't healthy for you... just... call me back once you get this," Arisu sighed. "No answer again?" Usagi asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. He shook his head. "She's been with our group as long as I can remember. And she's been... she had been... with Karube even longer. If it's hard on me, I can't believe how hard it must be on her," Arisu explained. Usagi pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sure she's fine. All people cope with things differently. Just give her space."

You were most definitely not fine. The grief that filled you everytime you saw Arisu's name on your phone, when you looked at anything that once belonged to Karube.  For the first time in the past few weeks, you wandered into the kitchen, and saw the binder filled with the ideas you two had for the wedding. You looked away, tears filling your eyes once more. You couldn't escape the sorrow that had filled your life. It seemed like he was everywhere. Even when you turned on the damn TV the news was talking about the incident. The names of the victims would pop up with pictures, and you would quickly turn it off. You grabbed the folder, ripping up all the papers in there, shredding them to bits in a fit of sadness. You dropped to your knees, holding the final piece of paper. You sniffled, wiping your eyes, looking down. It was in Karube's hand writing, and you took a deep breath. Eventually, you would have to read these things. Eventually, you would have to clean up his side of the room. You decided to start off small. By reading whatever this was.

'I may not be good at expressing my feelings, and this is not going to be the first time you've all heard me tell you how wonderful this woman is, and how much I love her. It certainly won't be the last, if I have any say in it. To which I do. If I could go back to the day we met, and you told me I would be marrying her, I would believe it. Because I've loved you from day one (Y/N). And now, I'll have you. Forever and ever.'

- Karube (rough draft, don't let (Y/N) find this)

You whimpered, holding the piece of paper to your chest. This was too much for you. You needed a distraction.

"Eh, just give me the money, no one will ever know," the woman said. You gave her the money, and she passed you a bag. "I promise it gets better dear. And be careful with that," she said sweetly. You nodded, your face so devoid of any emotion, it was hard to tell if you were still alive. Your world felt so numb to any emotion but hurt.

The burn of the smoke in your throat was satisfying. For the first time since his death, you felt something. Your eyes lazily looked up, staring at the ceiling.  The smell of the weed filled up the room and you rolled your eyes. For once the pain was gone. You couldn't think of anything in the moment other than being hungry. The first time in weeks that had happened.

That was your new routine. Wake up, lounge around, look through the videos and pictures of both of you, get high of your mind. It was the only way you'd forget. Was it healthy? No. Did you care? Also no. You started ignoring Arisu's calls, messages, and voice mails. Leaving them unseen, and unheard. He was worried, and Usagi had gotten worried as well, even though she'd only met you once at the hospital. You seemed like a pleasant person, and according to Arisu, you never left someone in the dark that long. You would usually respond quickly if you weren't at work. But, do to the incident, there wasn't work for a few weeks. That made him worry.

When he found out why you weren't answering, he was shocked. Your apartment wasn't exactly a mess. There were a few papers scattered in the kitchen, and uncollected mail, but other than that, your apartment was clean. He was so confused, hearing you giggling and talking to yourself in your room.

He knocked on the door, opening it slowly. "(Y-y/N)?" He asked hesitantly. You looked up, your eyes lazy and red. The smell of weed in your room was strong, the smoke going out of the window. How long had you been doing this? Had it become self destructive? These were questions he asked himself before seeing you doze off to sleep.

"What the hell were you thinking (Y/N)! You can't- you can't destroy your life over it! I- I was so worried! I've already lost two friends, I can't lose you too!" He scolded. It was a few hours later, and your high had passed. "Why do you care?" You snapped, the conversation being boring to you. The hurt you hadn't felt in weeks came back. He was back in your mind, not as your wonderful fiancé, but as the man you had lost. The man who you had to bury in the ground. It was horrible. Your mind hated the images of his body, lifeless and devoid of his usual smile. You hated it. Absolutely despised it.

"Because you're my friend! You've been my friend since high school! I know it hurts (Y/N), believe me I know, but you can't destroy your fucking life and mental health!" He scolded. It was so unfair to you, in your head. That he was saying something like that. "You want to know what's really destroying my mental health?! Not having him anymore! The fact that he's dead, and I can't- I can't-" you couldn't finish your sentence. Arisu felt bad, but this was an intervention. He had to be a bit forceful for you to stop. "Karube wouldn't want you to do this," he said softly. You felt more tears fall. But you didn't know how to deal with this. "How do you know what he wants?! He's dead!" You screamed. "H-hes dead," you whispered, your voice breaking. Arisu hugged you tightly as you cried. "Can I just know why?" He asked. "He's gone, and I have to stay high all the time to keep him off my mind. Gotta stay high... all my life to forget I'm missing him," you whispered. It was true. It was the only way you could feel something other than pain. The smoke made your mind hazy, and your sadness drifted away. But it wasn't healthy. And it would never be. "It gets better (Y/N)... please, just... stay with me for a week. So I can have peace of mind?"

2 years later

You sat on the sand of the beach, the waves crashed onto the rocks nearby, and a breeze blew the salt water into your face. You looked down at the ring on your finger, sighing at the sight of the shiny gem. You smiled sadly, pressing a kiss to it. "Soon my darling... soon we'll be together again. Forever and ever."

Because the high kept him off your mind, you didn't learn how to cope any other way. The only way was to feel any other pain. You had tried to meet other people, but no one was ever as good. You couldn't even talk to other guys without feeling guilt. It felt wrong. It was like whatever you did, you couldn't get over it. At all. In fact, it had gotten worse over the years. Especially on the yearly anniversary of the incident. Reporters would go to your home and ask you questions, seeing as people had asked you while you were in the hospital. How we're you supposed to get over it when you were reminded constantly?

So there was no thoughts in your head as you walked into the water. It was cold, shocking you. If you didn't drown, you'd die of hypothermia. And that was fine with you.

Forever and ever, no?

Ok, ok, ok.... wow, wowowowowow, this was a three am sad thought that did not have to be written, ok, um wow... that was darker than I intended, holy shit-

I promise I'm done with the terrible attempts at angst, and I promise I'm working on the my other oneshots/books. It's just that when I have an idea, I need to write it before I forget.

Remember that people love you, even if you think no one does, I promise you they do. If you really need help, please find it, and if you would like, I'm always glad to talk to people if they need my help.

[just-like-playing-tag]

A totally self indulgent compilation of my favorite works on this blog of the year June 13, 2019 - June 13, 2020

I wanted to do this for the blog's first anniversary but then completely forgot about it lol.

The following lists are all in chronological order according to the date each post was first published.

Top 10 panel edits:

#1: Don and Gilda - Chapter 138: Demon serch (1)

Date: Jun 14th, 2019

Time: ~ 1:30 h

My very first redraw from my very first edit posted here, so it deserves an honorable mention. Back then I was young and inexperienced, I didn't even apply a gray filter (lmao I was so unskilled I even unintentionally scratched the picture, I hadn't realized until today). I'm actually very happy my first redraw was of Don, boy deserves all the love.

#2: Emma and Ray - Chapter 140: I’m Here!

Date: Jun 28th, 2019

Time: ~ 1 h

Back then this looked like so much work to me!!! And to this day, I think it turned out pretty well. I'm particularly proud of how the bow turned out. This is one I was really proud of right after having finished it; it gave me the confidence to try redrawing bigger areas. Also, the edit were I first applied the opacity of layer / opacity of brush for the gray filter that would have stuck with me.

#3: Krone's birthday edit

Date: Jul 15th, 2019

Time: 15 mins

I don't know I just really like how Krone's hair vanish to a more sketch-like style here– and consequently, how I managed to replicate such effect. I think Krone's beautiful.

#4: Emma, Norman and Ray - Chapter 153: Coward

Date: Oct 4th, 2019

Time: 4:07 h (and 67 layers lmao)

Probably the single panel redraw I'm the most proud of. That Norman panel was beautiful and very poignant at the end of a chapter I adored, so I believe it deserved all the time I've spent working on it. It's far from being perfect - the back of his head is too plain, and the difference between my brushes and the original brushes is pretty visible - but I still like it very much and am extremely attached to it. The horn looks kinda big but I honestly believe it to be more of an issue with the original than with what I had redrawn lol. Funny enough, the whole picture didn't make it to the final edit and had to be trimmed.

#5: Full Score Trio - Chapter 154: A Breakthrough

Date: Oct 11th, 2019

Time: 29 mins

I don't have a particular reason for this I just think Emma's hair turned out amazing. It took just half an hour and I didn't even use references like. Wow. @Redrawing skills where did you go please come back

#6: Mujika and Queen Legravalima - Chapter 158: The Reason I Was Born

Date: Nov 17th, 2019

Time: 2:09 h

Sis I love this so freaking much. The shift from redrawing almost exclusively people and clothes to redrawing this mess was so fun and refreshing. Even though it's a mess I think it turned out very clean and overall it looks beautiful? I remember after finishing this I felt so powerful, like now that I had redrawn this thing I would have been able to redraw anything I set my mind on lol.

#7: Emma - Chapter 161: Never Be Alone

Date: Dec 13th, 2019

Time: 57 mins

Again no particular reason except this is a very cute Emma and I think the redraw turned out pretty well. There's this big lock on the left that doesn't make a lot of sense but overall I really like it. Cute Emma is cute, and I love her determination.

#8: Emma - Chapter 166: Going Back Home

Date: Mar 9th, 2020

Time: 3:45 h

I'M SO FREAKING PROUD OF THAT RIFFLE I have not the slightlest idea why this took so damn long BUT I'M SO PROUD OF IT

#9: Norman's birthday edit

Date: Mar 21st, 2020

Time: 1:04 h

This is cool! I didn't know I could manage to draw this, but I did it! The feathers were particularly hard to clean but I think they turned out fine.

#10: Full Score Trio - Chapter 174: A New World (part 1)

Date: Apr 6th, 2020

Time: 2:11 h

I just think they're very pretty? I can't understand if I like Ray's face a lot, or not at all, but I think overall there was a lot to redraw and it turned out pretty cute! Sorry Gillian.

(Also insert pretty much every panel from the chapter 177 Isabella edit– I've spent so many hours on basically every panel there's no way I could choose only one).

Top 5 edits as whole:

#1: Emma and Ray - Chapter 140: I’m Here!

Date: Jun 29th, 2019

Complessive time: 2:57+ h

The very first edit I'm actually proud of; I'm really attached to it. It's the first edit I had put all of my effort into, and I remember feeling anxious people would have left it without notes. It kinda feels weird to think about it now, because I really don't care about notes anymore; yet, it somehow makes me happy to think that past-me wasn't let down. Thank you @neverlandstrio for your support, you may not remember but it really meant a lot to me back then! And it still makes me smile. You're the best!!!!!!

#2: Mujika and Queen Legravalima - Chapter 158: The Reason I Was Born

Date: Nov 20th, 2019

Complessive time: 7:12+ hours

This whole edit was an hella wild ride. It's midnight before a school day, when I think: "Mh, it's been a while since I last made an edit, why not make one about Musica and the queen from the last chapter?" And seven hours after this was born. I'm particularly proud of the queen's redraws on the 3rd, 7th and 9th picture (ofc), the areas which have been redrawn are pretty huge yet I think the difference with the original is almost impossible to notice?? @Redrawing skills where did you go please come back (part 2)

#3: Emma - Chapter 174: A New World (part 1)

Date: Apr 12th, 2020

Complessive time: 6:53+ h

I think the panels that were selected work very well together, especially considering the close-up / full body alternation. I love Emma, and I've always been kinda sad noticing that edits that focus one her take the less notes... She deserves all the love. Also, fun fact: for the last but one panel, I had redrawn Emma's whole left ear before remembering she doesn't have one, so I had to redraw the panel from the start. Besides from the error with the ear, the reason why this (and all the others after) took so long is because official panel take way longer to clean.

#4: Isabella and her children - Chapter 177: Mother

Date: May 22nd, 2020

Complessive time: 13:41+ h (ahah.)

Lmao tbh I can't understand how this has so few notes it's like. Technically speaking, probably the best edit I've ever done. I don't even like Isabella that much, I haven't got the slightlest idea why I decided to spend so many hours on this. Anyway, I find the composition (full body on the left / headshots on the right) really good looking in this as well! And I think the redraws turned out fine, especially Isabella's.

#5: The Promised Neverland manga ending countdown→ 1/7 chapters: chapter 1 - Grace Field House

Date: Jun 9th, 2020

Complessive time: 1:59+ h

I don't know how I came up with that idea for the composition but I find it really beautiful??? I think it does a pretty good job conveying the sudden, terrific shift of atmosphere from the first chapter, and I think that sharp bridge is very nice. I'm very, very proud of this.

Honorable mention #1: Full Score Trio - Chapter 154: A Breakthrough

Date: Oct 13th, 2019

Complessive time: 3:44+ h (+ 1:13 h of working on a panel that ultimately didn't make it to the final edit)

A very good chapter, and the edit turned out surprisingly amazing??? All the redraws look great and make it almost impossible to distinguish them from the original; honestly I feel like I'll never be able to redraw so neatly again lol.

Honorable mention #2: Don and Gilda (+ Norman) - Chapter 160: Shackles

Date: Dec 11th, 2019

Complessive time: 3:14+ h

That one is really one of my favorite scenes; I'm telling you peoples, Gilda and Don are a blessing to the earth. I think I've never mentioned it, but Gilda's hair is a nightmare to redraw??? More specifically, it takes me h o u r s to fill the texture without making it look too weird, it's the worst.

Honorable mention #3: Norman and Ray - Chapter 179: Compensation

Date: Jun 6th, 2020

Complessive time: 4:16+ h

I was so glad to finally be able to make a Norman / Ray edit, and it turned out it was just in time before the series' finale. I like how it turned out and I'm pretty satisfied with the redraws (even though my sister helped me with the lineart of some panels - it was exams time and I really couldn't afford to spend more time on it), too bad we didn't have more chapters that focused on the boys. Ray sweetie one day I'll fix your ear it's just today's not that day.

Btw, I justed realized I have never done an Emma / Norman centered edit? I'll have to make one eventually. I remember considering focusing on them alone for the chapter 154 one, but then I thought "even if the manga is gonna ignore Ray, I will chose to do not" lol.

Top 5 long posts:

#1: Reconstruction of how the Grace Field children were settled in the three bedrooms

Date: Aug 28th, 2019

I just had really a lot of fun doing it. I love putting all the little things to their own place, it's so calming to do and that's why I love making this kind of things. Also, loved how @temporoom contributed to the post! It was so nice of them to add what they had noticed to come up with more exact conclusions, that's one of the things I love the most about the internet.

#2: A study of how many times the characters of The Promised Neverland call each other through the first season of the anime

Date: Sep 10th, 2019

I REALLY LOVE IT! I mean it *was* kinda stressing to note everything, but it was very also very satisfying to see everything methodically divided and organized! And it's not just that– it's also the fact that it looks good. That's one post I have fun rereading because it's actually pretty! Also, even though it can be very stressing to learn to use new programs and sites, it's always very satisfying to look at the final result. Again, I really adore compiling these tiny little details! I would love to make more posts of that kind if i had the time.

#3: The Promised Neverland musicals headcanons

Date: Oct 27th, 2019

I mean it's literally. Putting my two favorite fandoms together how could I not love it. This is another one I really enjoy rereading, I find all the musical / character associations so fitting! I really want to make a second part, I hope to find some time to do it.

#4: Considerations on the reward / eventual series' finales (and Emma's sacrifice)

Date: May 7th, 2020

It's always nice to put down all your thoughts regarding a particular matter. It can take a lot of time (at least for me it does because... I need time to think about things), but it's so satisfying to see all of them there once you're done. Bonus points when, like in this case, it was something asked by someone else because “Wow! Somebody wants to hear my opinion on this subject! I'm flattered (◍•ᴗ•◍)”

#5: Some other considerations on the series' finale and Emma sacrificing herself

Date: Jun 13th, 2020

Pretty much the same as above. It's like some kind of clarity when the post is done and signed. Another fun fact, I had to censore the post a lot; the first version was extremely sharp and harsh, but I believe it's right to express your opinions calmly and politely.

Bonus: A thread of what the tpn characters would wear at the Oscars

Date: Feb 9th, 2020

Imagining all the children in those pretty dresses makes me so incredibly happy (╥﹏╥) I go back to look at that post a lot. I really love red carpets, I love looking at pretty dresses!!!!!

Lmao it's so funny how the post of mine I like the most are also the ones with the less notes

Anyway this was just a personal report! You don't have to read it all (or any of it actually). But it was indeed fun making it! Here's to many more months in the fandom!!!

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am out there!! i'm glad you liked it! i'm definitely trying out the recipe you left in the tags. it sounds way better than just banana and peanut butter. i always have to pay a lot of attention when i type banana because i've ended up with "bananana" way too many times

i was planning to run straight to your askbox the second i saw you replied but then the end of the semester happened and it killed me. hopefully i'm done with it now

i do exactly the same thing with height! if you tell me your height in feet i have absolutely no idea how tall that is. if you say that in centimetres that's easy. i mean you're 155cm so that's 12cm shorter than me. when you told me that in feet i was like okay cool i have no idea how much shorter than actually is

i love birds!!! so that seems awesome! i am now titling you the queen of birds. and i'm glad your vacation was good! i think i saw a couple of posts you made about it so it definitely does seem like a lot of fun! and did you ever figure out completely what that see through animal (?) in the sand was? i had no idea stuff like that even existed so now i'm invested in knowing what it is

i am 100% hiring you for my coming out party i'm throwing in a couple of years. it's gonna be fun. if we don't get immediately kicked out i promise good food and some spicy drama between my homophobic relatives and my accepting relatives! and my brother's, who i already came out to, dry commentary

i was definitely not the one you told about burma trails! but from the tags i'm just gonna say how is that allowed and why does it seem like a weird type of torture? i hate it, i probably would've had a heart attack 3 seconds in

oh yeah i actually can't tell most of the time if the memories from my childhood are actual memories or if it's just a combination of having seen photos and heard stories about it

my glasses prescription is fine i think. my eye doctor said that i get headaches from glasses because... well i tried to explain this and then deleted it all because it was a very scientific explanation when she said it and i zoned out pretty much halfway through and even the part that i did understand i can't translate to english! but it has something to do with the fact that with contacts it's enough to move my eyes in the direction i want to look at and with glasses i have to move my whole head and my brain got so used to contacts that it overdoes it with the eye movements when wearing glasses? i dunno. this is the best i can do in explaining it

i must admit i'm very jealous of the never snows part because while snow is pretty to look at it's absolutely freezing! for the past week i slept under a duvet, three blankets while wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt and i still woke up cold. because for a couple of nights it was around -22°C. it's great

ohhh you got pretty lucky as a kid then! my kid self would have absolutely lost it at getting the equivalent of 5/10 bucks. i probably would have bought so much candy

excellent!!! hope you’re enjoying the vague void from whence you came! i’ve never said whence before in my LIFE i wonder if i used it correctly. anyway. the actual recipe was way more specific but once i saw ‘2 frozen bananas’ and looked at all the sliced bananas in my fridge, having no idea how many there were, i just started improvising sdfkhsdfs. I’d be interested to try it with yoghurt though if I can get some dairy free plain stuff, I’m sure I can somewhere. Banana used to be my biggest problem when I was younger. Then I learnt words like occasion and necessary and embarrassed and I realised the more english I tried to learn, the worse my life was gonna get. And I was right. On the bright side, developing an inability to ever spell occasion correctly made banana seem a lot easier to handle.

that is fair. end of semesters are rough. i cannot function during them at all. i hope everything chills out for you!! i’m not sure how the school year is over there but maybe it’s break time? that’d be nice. but rest in peace anyway, enjoy being dead! they say necromancy is frowned upon in all societies but I reckon it’s just called making a friend when you’re dead so maybe you wanna take that up as a hobby! I’ve heard it’s nice this time of year!

yup! sometimes I’m like oh you’re 5 foot 4? that sounds way taller than me. but it...it really isn’t...it’s like an extra 8cm or something. which adds up! but in my head I was picturing a MUCH taller height. In my head I think I picture 6 foot and 5 foot 4 as the same height, now that I think about it.

!!!!! my first order as queen of birds is to meet a morepork face to face so we can chat about the price of pork these days. yes!! the first half was nice but the second half was really fun. my best guess is still that it’s a salp? Maybe? So many salp pictures are massive groups of them but like,, from what i can tell of singular photos,,, it was maybe that? I guess the only other possibility is it’s just some clear jellyfish but salp does seem more likely. At first I was like oh duuude boob implant for the ocean!! but then I realised it actually seemed kinda alive and was probably an actual creature. my bad.

excellent. i’ll break any tension by dropping the vampire act for the mouse act. will do backflips for cheese. will bite ankles for homophobic comments. Will pull a knife out of god knows where, not to threaten anyone, just to clean my nails with to make everyone nervous. I offer many services. I’m flexible. And I love me some good food.

I actually DON’T know the reason behind burma trails. I really don’t. The reason ‘it’s a fun activity!’ seems a little fake. if it’s a fun activity then why did Mrs. G. tell us a horror story about the forest before we went out to navigate said forest at night, blindfolded, surrounded by wildlife and parents supervising (*cough* waiting for the opportunity to jump out at you *cough*) with a teacher at the end waiting to scare us. So we can learn how to navigate the forest in the dark? So we learn how to follow a mysterious rope INTO the forest at night? seems dodgy to me. school camps be like [drives you out to forest] follow this rope and don’t take your blindfold off. like. bruh. i almost DID have a heart attack one time, I got stuck like something was holding my leg. First thought-ah, must’ve got my leg stuck in a big stick. Second thought-maybe this is one of the parents fucking around, it feels more like a grip than a twig. Third thought-I cannot get my leg free no matter what I do what the fuck is HAPPENING so I started crying out for help. When they FINALLY came they found nothing my leg was caught on so that was fun. love that for me. I was able to move as soon as they arrived. That’s not weird at all. anyway.

I think most of my early memories are just from stories I’ve been told and photos I’ve seen. My memory tends to be horrible I highly doubt I remember that one time I was eating dirt from the garden out in the yard gleefully. I just saw the photo evidence. mm spaghetti. bone apple teeth. my character hasn’t changed at all since I was a wee babe.

ohhhh okay. I think I get what you mean by that. Thank you for trying to explain! That’s really interesting. I guess I do move my head a lot with glasses. Although I have massive glasses so it’s probably easier for me to just move my eyes where I want. I reckon with smaller glasses I’d have to move my head way more.

the temperature comment is so funny because during the heart of winter i tend to sleep with a sheet, a blanket, a duvet, then 2-4 blankets on top while in a long sleeve shirt and long pants and sometimes bed socks and often a hottie (i’ve never realised how that sounds out of context...a hot water bottle...is calling it a hottie normal or is a my family thing? is this a nz thing? now i’m questioning myself). in my uni accommodation last year we didn’t have proper heating during most of winter and well. there was a quilt added to everything else. every blanket i could find. how cold does it get here in winter? rarely ever past 0 degrees celsius. I would literally die in your position, clearly. I could not survive that. Props to you for making it through aha.

yesss. Before when I found five dollar notes it’d be on the street and I’d be like oh no! Mum we have to hand this into the police station! It’s a lot of money, someone will be looking for it! Understandably she was like,, lindsey they might miss it but there’s not really any way you can find them,,, I still refused to spend it. That was like my first time really getting that much money for myself. The dairy on main street sold lollies for 10 cents each and they had like, 30 different lil glass boxes so you’d go I want 3 of 26, 5 of 7, ohhh and 5 of 13 please! I dunno if they’re still 10 cents each but I thought it was the best thing ever as a kid. I think I wanted to save the money though sfdjsdkfhs put it in my piggy bank to save up for something ‘super cool’. Aka probably like a neat soft toy to sleep with sdfsdkfs.

[demonboidies]

𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓵𝔂 - 𝓽𝓸 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀

pt. 3

word count: 1, 802

●WARNING: mention of several mental illnesses (eating disorders, depression, anxiety, psychotic disorders, OCD, alcohol abuse, and more) I do not go into deep detail of each, more so simply mentioning the names, but if you are easily triggered please don't read. the reason I am mentioning these illnesses is because the boys(in my ff) suffer from several of them. all the mental illnesses mentioned in this chapter and their corresponding member are not based on true facts or actual evidence. this is fictional.●

"ah, well i graduated from college a while ago. majored in world language, i had this crazy dream of being a translator. but i obviously don't do that, although i've recently applied to several companies, i haven't heard from any." you ended with a neutral smile, making eye contact with the oldest who was nodding in understanding. "but i asked Jungkook which classes he took, since he still is a youngling."

you chuckle at your wording, along with the others. Hoseok even ruffling the man's hair teasingly.

"uhm, i do programming, computer stuff...yeah, it's nothing interesting like the arts b-but it's what i d-do best." a weak smile was on his lips and you chuckle softly.

"no, that sounds cute. you seem to be like a tech nerd, please take no offense. i mean to compliment you." you said, saving your mistake last second. even if they were younger than you, the level of respect and professionalism still had to be present between all of you.

red was painted across jungkook's face...he was cute to you? taehyung and jimin clenched the utensils on their hands, annoyed with how jungkook unknowingly one upped them. yoongi and hoseok sent glares to jungkook. namjoon and jin simply smiled, although they were fuming internally.

"oh, thank you..."

you nodded, biting into the food present in front of you. the taste was extravagant, even if it was a simple dish.

"my gosh, who made this? it is delicious." you moaned out, wiping your mouth. "this is so good, and home made?"

"that would be me, darling. and of course, home made. i like being able to overlook the food the boys eat, make sure they get their nutrients and stuff. i try to limit the amount of time they eat out,but sometimes i can't control it. especially if i'm in another country." you nodded impressed with the subtle fact he dropped, whether he did it on purpose or not.

"what do you guys do? i'm intrigued now with your professions." you said, resting your heaad on your hand.

"well, i graduated already...but i run my own dance studio. you should stop by sometime! we've won a couple awards, i'm very proud of my students!" hoseok smiles wide, and you could easily tell how much dance meant to him.

"i'm taking online classes for psychology. going to college is such a hassle, online is so much easier." namjoon says with a heavy sigh which you jokingly cheers to. making the males laugh at your humor.

"we, my friend, are on the same page!" you said and he laughed, making you smile widely.

"i produce music. i post my works on soundcloud...i promise i'm not like every other soundcloud rapper. i actually care about what i make, rather than the views it'll give me. i also have interest in photography, but tae is much better than me." yoongi was quiet and fidgeting when he saw the gaze of you on him. but at his last statement, you pouted a bit.

"i'm sure you two have your own styles and qualities in your work. also i've never met a producer before, i look forward to listening to your work as your career prgresses." you smiled kindly at him and he ducked his down to hide his blush. you chuckle before moving your gaze to the eldest at the table.

"oh, my turn. about time~" the boys scoffed and his attitude when you chuckled, at ease in his presence. "i mainly stay at home and do work in my office, but when push comes to shove i do have to leave the country. i'm heir to my father's company, so i have to take responsibility sometimes...and you must be wondering. so i'll answer the question now. the reason why i'm in this wheelchair is because i was in a bad accident when i was young." he nodded solemnly, although he was smiling weakly. there was a silence as you took the words in. "thank God my face was spared though."

he cupped his cheek, initiating a innocent look as everyone broke into a smile, looking over to the man with a wonder.

how could someone be so positive after such a horrific event? which was what you were thinking.

but the rest of the boys simply sighed in relief at their hyung. he was always a good liar. and they were lucky you were completely politely innocent and oblivious to their hyung's lie. he had lied more than once to you already, cheeky person he was

"yes, your face was surely spared." you said joining in with the joke.

the rest of the dinner consisted of you bonding over little things. your love for all kinds of games (including pranks) was shared with jungkook, love for animal life with namjoon, sleep with yoongi, culinary with jin, free expression with hoseok, puppies and dogs with taehyung, and family and friends with jimin. the general direction of every conversation was satisfying as it ended with everyone having a smile on their faces.

you had helped clean up, already beginning your new task as a house maid/nurse. "so what would like me to focus on as my first days?" you asked after everything was cleaned. the youngest had to go to their rooms, to begin getting ready for bed since they had school tomorrow. all their classes were in the morning which was fortunate for you since you would be driving them there from now on...and it didn't seem like fun to constantly drive back to the house and then to the university.

namjoon, who was standing in front of you, moved to the study table in the living room, and took a Manila folders into his hands. it seemed like a thick stack of papers and as you looked closer, there were a total of 7.

"no formal work, but all 7 of us saw it appropriate to give you an introduction to our needs. what exactly is wrong with us, y'know? we trust you're experience enough for this so we are confident you'll do just fine."

you took the stack of papers and thanked him. you walked through the house to find your room, which hoseok had shown you right after dinner was finished, and you still marveled at the sight.

it was a grand gray and white minimalistic bedroom with a huge bed in the center. there was also a large ledge with a window that you could sit on to see the night sky. you maneuvered your way over to the study table, turning the lap on to begin "studying" the males.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖘𝖊𝖔𝖐𝖏𝖎𝖓 / kim seokjin

disabilities/disorders: unable to move bottom half of body, a light case of schizophrenia, requires special attention on getting ready in the morning (may include dressing and showering)

meds: need daily dose for schizophrenia

your brows furrowed. that existed? you knew schizophrenia existed, but meaning a light case would specifically show what? you just shrugged and decided to what the papers were saying.

●𝖒𝖎𝖓 𝖞𝖔𝖔𝖓𝖌𝖎 / min yoongi

disabilities/disorders: OCD, severe depression, social anxiety, prone to panic and anxiety attacks in a crowd of many people, values his personal space-do not enter his personal bubble unless asked

meds: needs dose for OCD, depression

you nodded slowly, understanding the conditions and seeing the familiar names once again. you've had patients like him before, but everyone is different, so you will still be careful.

●𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌 𝖍𝖔𝖘𝖊𝖔𝖐 / jung hoseok

disabilities/disorders: bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, fits of anger are dangerous, act hostile in any case and alert one of the other tenants immediately

meds: dose for ADHD & OCD

sudden shortness of his list made you a bit hopeful that taking care of 7 males wouldn't be as hard as it seemed. then again, you willingly signed up for this so you shouldn't be complaining in any way.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖏𝖔𝖔𝖓 / kim namjoon

disabilities/disorders: depression, OCD, past with alcohol abuse (currently in rehab)

meds: dose for depression and OCD

you pouted slightly, only being able to imagine how hard it must be to recover from alcoholism. and it was saddening to see such an intellectual and kind person such as Namjoon suffer from the mental illness, although that could be said about everyone you had previously read.

●𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖐 𝖏𝖎𝖒𝖎𝖓 / park jimin

disabilities/disorders: ARFID, anxiety, prone to panic and anxiety attacks

meds: none

reading the single line you let yourself think of the moment he introduced himself. he was enthusiastic about meeting you, it made you smile at the memory. you were suddenly thankful for getting such a sweet and honey-like expression out of the man.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖙𝖆𝖊𝖍𝖞𝖚𝖓𝖌 / kim taehyung

disabilities/disorders: OCD, ADD, brief psychotic disorder - periods are short and caused by stress, not dangerous unless triggered by something you do or say

meds: dose for OCD, ADD, and best if given sleep meds during pyschotic episodes

you nodded slowly, understanding and keeping the directions in the back of your mind.

●𝖏𝖊𝖔𝖓 𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌𝖐𝖔𝖔𝖐 / jeon jungkook

disabilities/disorders: DID, psychotic, anxiety

meds: dose to limit psychotic episodes

the 3 things on the list made your eyebrows furrow. the 3 seemed to make a terrible combination and you began thinking of how calm Jungkook was before. You hoped you wouldn't encounter any bad alters of Jungkook, if he had any bad ones. and, honestly, you were a bit uneducated in the DID field, so you were determined to learn more tonight with the help of the internet.

and the last sheet in each file were filed letters to make sure you caught it :

THEY SHOULD NEVER BE KEPT UNSUPERVISED FOR A LONG TIME. MEDICATION IS IN THE CABINET IN YOUR ROOM WITH PADLOCK TO AVOID OVERDOSES. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND COMPLIANCE.

you took the words seriously, seeing the urgency in the message. shutting the folders, you stacked all of them in one pile and moved to freshen up. a shower was needed as you climbed into the steaming bathroom. after washing yourself, you climbed into bed and soon you were falling asleep. you fell asleep thinking about how tomorrow would be your first day of your new job.

a/n- thank you so much for the support of this book!!! I hope you guys stay tuned and enjoy the rest of the journey with yabdere!bts

oooh, curious question

》what other times do you think jin lied to you? hmmm?

♡♡♡♡♡SEND ME UR ASK ON WHAT U THINK ABT THATTTTT♡♡♡♡♡

[queenofcats17]

I know this is gonna sound like, uber weird, but I can't find the Hell's Studio au fanfic where Sammy is turned into an ink creature after eating some chocolate cake, and I really wanted to reread it

I don’t really know where it is either, so I thought I’d just repost it here. I’m glad you like it, though.

I also posted it here

—————————————————————————

inkavixentheinkdemon asked: Yasssss!!!!! Now please do one about Sammy becoming an ink monster, please. That’s gonna be hilarious XD

So part of this is based off this comic 

-

It had been a hard week for Sammy, mostly because of the fact that he’d been turned into an ink monster. Now he was back at work, ready to bury himself in his songwriting. Being at home had been nice, but at the same time, he’d been haunted by the memories of being that inky creature. If he could just work hard enough, he’d eventually forget about it. Everyone greeted him warmly, which made him feel a little better. He opened the door to his office and turned on the light, preparing to hang up his coat. As he put his briefcase down, he noticed something on his desk. Still, with coat in hand, he walked over. There was a piece of what looked like chocolate cake, as well as a little card. The note read as follows,

Felt bad that the ink pipes burst on you the other day…

Again…

Made this with Alice and Joey to make up for it! Don’t worry, he didn’t put anything in it I think.

-S. Campbell

A. Angel

He smiled softly at the card. He could always count on Susie to try and make things better. She was such a lovely person. He sat down at the desk, picking up the provided fork and taking a bite. It was a superb chocolate cake. But there was a strange taste to it. It tasted like…ink? Sammy groaned. Joey had slipped ink into the cake. Of course, he had.

“Joey, I swear to God.” He muttered. Oh well, he couldn’t just let the cake go to waste. It took a little for him to get past the ink flavor, but once he did he was able to finish the slice of cake. It was immediately apparent that this had been a bad idea as an intense pain gripped Sammy. He fell off his chair, clutching at his stomach. His whole body felt hot, but it wasn’t sweat coming out of his body. It was ink. Sammy’s eyes widened. No no no no no. Not again. He couldn’t go through that again. Using one hand, he started dragging himself towards the door, leaving a trail of ink behind him as it began to cover every inch of his body. He barely managed to reach the door before he passed out, his arm reaching for the doorknob.

He was found about ten minutes later when Susie and Alice came to see how he’d liked the cake.

“I just hope Joey didn’t put anything in it,” Susie said. “I wasn’t watching him the whole time and you know how he gets.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Alice assured her. Then the two of them saw the puddle of ink spreading out from under Sammy’s door. They exchanged a look then slammed the door open. Sammy was pushed back, the impact of the door jolting him back into consciousness. He had returned to his ink monster form and was bleeding ink onto the floor due to his not so stable emotional state.

“Get Joey,” Susie said. Alice was out the door almost before Susie said anything. Susie hoisted Sammy up, getting him onto the cot he kept in a corner of the office.

“I can’t believe this is happening again.” Sammy very nearly wailed.

“I’m so sorry.” Susie murmured, trying to calm him down. “I didn’t know he was going to do this. But don’t worry, we’ll fix this. We fixed it last time and we’ll fix it again.”

“I found him.” Alice entered, out of breath, dragging Joey behind her. Bendy was at the creator’s heels, followed by Wally of all people. The janitor was carrying his mop and bucket. Ah, he was there to clean up the ink pools.

“Yeesh. You look rough.” Wally said.

“Thanks, Franks, I couldn’t tell.” Sammy snapped. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. If Sammy could snark, he was okay.

“Sammy,” Joey smiled disarmingly and put his hands up. “I promise, I didn’t intend for this to happen. I just wanted to see-”

“What would happen if you slipped ink machine ink into Susie’s gift, is that it?” Sammy asked, beginning to gain his composure once more. “I’m not your fucking guinea pig, Joey! You have to stop doing this to me!” His form began to melt again. Susie put a hand on his shoulder. At first, he flinched back, but as she murmured comforting things to him he calmed down, pulling himself together.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Joey said, fidgeting. He really did feel bad this time. Sammy really looked pissed off. Even more than usual.

“If you’re really sorry, then fix it!” Sammy snapped. Joey nodded and ran out of the room to begin preparing the solution. Susie and Wally stayed, Susie to calm Sammy and Wally to mop things up.

“He really screwed up this time, huh?” Wally said as he started mopping.

“That’s an understatement.” Susie pursed her lips, glancing back at the door. “I really am sorry, Sammy.”

“You couldn’t have known.” Sammy sighed and buried his face in his hands.

“At least you got cake, right?” Wally said. “I mean, that’s a plus.”

“Yes, I suppose. Aside from the ink taste, it was quite good.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you think so!” Susie’s face lit up. “Alice and I worked really hard on it. I’d never made a chocolate cake before and I was worried about how it would turn out.”

“You did well,” Sammy said, smiling a little. “I did appreciate the thought.”

“There we go!” Susie clapped her hands together. “It’s always nice to see you smile.”

“Freaks me out,” Wally said. “There’s somethin’ unnatural about Sammy smilin’.”

“Franks, I will throw something at you.”

“I know I know.” Wally threw his hands up and kept mopping.

Sammy was back to normal by the end of the day this time. Joey had worked throughout the day in order to fix his mistake. Bendy didn’t even mind. Joey had screwed up and so he headed to fix it. Wally complained about having to mop up Sammy’s ink trails, of course, but he did it all the same. Sammy and Susie had spent most of the day together, which gave Bendy a very interesting idea about how Joey could repay the music director…

[gems-x-gabby]

Update on Fall Sewing Goals

Me, next to a giant pumpkin, at the Stillwater Autumn Fest

Fall might be my new favorite season! This year I am fully leaning into the pumpkin-spiced lattes, autumn outfits, and slower pace of life. My creativity tends to peak in the summer (thank you, sun!) and by October or November the ideas that were bursting to life in my brain are settling like falling leaves. In the past I didn't appreciate that, but as I get older I have realized that it's totally okay to not be on 100 all year round. Constantly creating takes a toll on my mental health and my budget.

In my last blog, I talked about goals for clothing/sewing projects that will last me a long a time. I don't want to be buying new fabric every month and making garments that I can't wear and love for years to come. So here is an update on the progress I've made concerning those goals.

Finding a pants pattern that I love

I tried to make the #PietraPants by #ClosetCorePatterns . I adjusted the pattern for my body, but this found that fit to be baggy and boxy. I am rectangle shaping, with my bust, waist, and hip measurements being within inches of each other, and I found that the wide leg Pietra Pants didn't accentuate my legs or butts in the way I wanted.

My next attempt is going to be a 50's style Cigarette Pant. I like the slimmer fit and it will hopefully display my assets more than a wide leg pant. I found a promising sewing pattern/instruction guide on how to make a cigarette pant based on personal measurements. I like it because I wanted a vintage pattern but couldn't find a lot available in my size.

Plus Size (or any size) Vintage 1950s Pants Pattern - PDF

The pattern is from Etsy and is described as such: "it's a drafting system...whether you want this garment for a doll or plus-size person you will be able to make this fit perfectly."

2. Learning to clean my wool sweaters.

I have made some progress here! I washed one camel-hair cardigan and one wool turtleneck. By hand washing the garments I hoped to preserve the shape of each one. The washing part was easy; the hard part was the drying. Both garments took almost four days to air dry; I tried to squeeze the water out of the sweater and I stretched it. The cardigan and sweater are still very wearable so I'd call this a success.

3. Billowing, pleated skirt

I haven't started this project yet, but I did realize that I can't just add pleats to a skirt that already has the waistband attached. My next step is to draft a skirt in a fabric I like and try making pleats!

4. Using fabric I already own

My aunt gifted me some really pretty fabric from South Africa earlier this year. I decided to use it to make a kaftan from my partner's birthday in July. It was only this week that I actually looked up a tutorial and cut the fabric. The kaftan looks nice, but he hasn't tried it on yet so we will see! I'm just glad to be tackling some of my stash and using what I have.

The pieces cut for a men's kaftan. This is before I attached the pieces together or cut out the neck hole.

I think I will do another blog post for this kaftan alone because the project has been super fun and surprisingly easy. Also, I want to share the finished look!

Signing off,

Gabriella

[strshn]

I haven't posted in so so so long. but I promise you it's a good thing. I honestly almost forgot I had this blog lmao. things have gotten so much better! are they as good as I want them to be? of course not. but it's the best they've been literally ever. I still struggle a ton but idk. things are just so different...

my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. how insane is that??? I've waited and yearned and begged my whole life for love, and I am trying my best to never take it for granted, not even for a second. I am so lucky to have him by my side.

I've come out to people irl... IN. REAL. LIFE. I go by my preferred name and pronouns to my bf, my friends, I even told my mom this past weekend and it's been nothing but support. tbf I have only told people that I know will be supportive, but still. it feels amazing, and freeing in a way I could have never guessed.

I'm off my meds. all of them. have been for I think almost 2 years now. ditched therapy too. and I'm not saying it's a good thing, I do wish I had some support in the way of a therapist, and maybe some meds would make things even better but idk I've been coping on my own. somehow lol. it's hard and I get exhausted very easily and I so very much wish I could do more on a daily basis but I do what I can, and I forgive myself for not being able to do more. I praise myself for what I can accomplish, even if it's minimal. I cook, I clean, I take care of our cats. I get so tired so easily but... I'm doing more now than I ever did on meds, and frankly it's so fucking strange.

is life hard? absolutely. but I've grown and changed and things are different but also better. my bpd is almost like an afterthought? yes I still experience symptoms. but idk. it's not the same as it was. maybe because I'm happy and secure in my relationship, it's a long term commitment. I have in the back of my mind that it could still end up going terribly wrong, but I don't dwell on it like younger me probably would have. I have bad days, sure. depression isn't gonna go away. and neither will anxiety or ADHD. probably have autism too but I haven't really gotten into that rabbit hole yet.

but idk. I'm just glad to be doing okay. and not having the extreme moods like I used to. do I still hate myself and want to unalive myself from time to time? of course! but. it's more like "I'm tired and the world sucks and I'm sick of working myself to death and still not having enough money to survive can this please end already" which I think is reasonable and a lot of ppl feel that way. the world does suck. but I keep going for my cats and my boyfriend. idk it all sucks but I know there is nothing else to do.

I sleep a lot. I'm tired a lot. I have some physical ailments I need to get fixed. mentally idk. it's just a strange time for me. I'm able to just ignore my shit most of the time, or when I can't, I cry it out and take a nap and try to tell myself that I can keep going, and I will be okay. even if maybe it isn't true, I mean who knows.

I stream on twitch sometimes. I'm working on finding good friends. I'm working on officially coming out. I'm working on getting better at makeup and hair. I'm working on trying to figure out how to write again. Overall, I'm working on being exactly who I want to be. and it feels awesome.

I know this page is usually depressing. I've had a rough life and need somewhere to vent. at least this one time I can vent about how good I am beginning to feel. how good my life has turned out to be even if I still struggle a lot of days, especially financially I struggle a ton. but I'm still here and more queer than ever lol. and I'm doing all right.

I always used to see "it gets better" posts and I half wanted to believe them and half told myself it would never ever happen for me. maybe everyone else but never me... well it's happened for me. it is still happening, tbh. every day things are looking up, even the days where I feel down. it's, at the very least, not the same as it used to be. and I'll take anything over the heart-wrenching emotions I used to feel daily. the mood swings, the obsessions, the infatuations, the utter hopelessness of everyday life for me was so overwhelming. I'm glad it has toned down for me, and thing have changed. and that things are even slightly better.

I have no outlook or expectations for the future. but I think that's for the best. I have things I want to do here and now, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm just happy I'm finally becoming who I want to be, and I'm happy I have any amount of happiness and love in my life. that's all I ever wanted, love. and I think I have it! so don't be so glum, younger me, or anyone out there reading this that can relate to how I used to think and act and feel. it will be okay. and as cliche as it is, it will get better. or at the very least, things will change with time. things will not stay the same, things will evolve and change and mutate and metamorphosize. things will change, the future will be different. and idk that just gives me hope, that I won't be stuck in one place or one feeling or one rut forever.

the future is open and a mystery, flow into it and go along with it. it will be worth it to see the world, and your self, in a different light.

[babaleshy]

Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

[chosenkeepersworld]

The Odd Pair

Original Work

Word Count: 1865 words

Date Posted: July 31, 2021

Author’s Note: Unbeta’d but I hope you guys still like it and as always I love hearing your thoughts about my work so comments are always appreciated.

Part 1

Jas swallowed, as he watched the red headed girl run back and forth, going through the odd piles on each side of her little hideout. She had taken him there after the animal in the forest had tackled him to the ground. The boy had no idea why she had taken him, but she did and it freaked him out quite a bit. Jas heard a sudden noise, when he turned toward the girl, her ears were standing straight up and something under her cloak was moving.

The movement made him shift backwards, away from her and then tensed when she turned to him with a grin on her face.

“I found it!” she told him, holding up a jar of what honestly looked like green sludge. Jas blinked in surprise, not only at the fact that she talked but at the odd feeling in his chest. The young boy scuttled backward when she moved toward him carrying the jar.

"What is that?" He pointed at the item in her arms but she said nothing, instead she lowered herself on her knees and scooted closer.

"Lift up your shirt" she commanded

"What?!"

The expression on her face turned annoyed and the ears on her head turned down,almost flattening themselves on her head. She sighed, opening the jar "The boar hit you really hard, so you might have some bruising." She pushed the container towards him "This salve will help. You can put on yourself if it'll make you more comfortable"

She turned away from him, moving to dig through a pile on the other side. Janos made quick work lifting up his shirt, wincing at the bruises on his side. That boar really did a number on him. The young boy quickly gathered the salve on his fingers, spreading it on the bruises as best he could, wrinkling his nose as he did so.

As he kept focus on his task, he didn’t see the girl open the flaps to the hideaway, she then placed rolls of bandages beside him before taking a satchel from the pile closest to the opening.

“Are you leaving me here?” Jas asked, panic rising within him. He only knew that she’d taken him into the woods and only stopped when she’d reached her place.

“I need to find food, just stay here and rest. When I return I’ll guide you back to the town” she said, before heading out.

“Wait!” the boy yelled out, scrambling to the entrance. He stuck his head out between the flaps, looking down from the high platform in the trees, but she was already gone.

A few hours had passed when she returned. Jas stared at her, mouth agape when she entered, dripping wet. She had the most displeased look on her face when she did, she then took the cloak she wore and hung it on the line by the entrance. It was then that he saw what had been moving under her cloak earlier, a long tail swishing behind her, covered in fur, the color matching the hair on her head.

The young boy’s mouth fell open in surprise, blinking furiously as if trying to make sure what he was seeing was real. She faced him, about to speak when she saw his expression, her almost golden eyes narrowed at him and the fur on her tail stood on end.

“What?”

The tone of her voice finally made him shut his mouth “Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing” he quickly reassured her “So what happened? Why are you all wet?” at those words she dug around her little pile once again, bringing out a little towel this time. Rubbing it against her hair she told him what she had been up to.

“I slipped and fell in the river.”

“What were you doing there?”

“Fishing, I have some cooking outside if you want.” she informed him, moving the towel to dry her tail.

Her tail, Jas still wasn’t quite sure what to make of her, hell he didn’t even know her name. “Do you want some?” she inquired, training her eyes on him, the ears on her head twitching.

“Uh, yeah, yeah” Jas said following her out. She had already seated on the tree roots below, turning the stick that held the fish above the fire. Jas climbed down the rope ladder attached to the platform. He sat opposite of her, watching her warily. She often did the unexpected and he was never the one for surprises.

“It’s not quite ready yet.” she told him, twisting the last one.

“You did all this by yourself?”

She nodded “Caught them, cleaned them and started cooking them myself.”

“That’s pretty cool. Did your parents teach you how to do that?”

The red head pressed her lip together in a tight line, while it wouldn’t be the first time she wouldn’t answer his questions she never showed any hesitation with him.

"Yeah" she forced out, keeping her eyes on the food.

It was a lie, an obvious one but Jas didn't push. He understood, there were things about his family he didn't like talking about either. They sat together silently, watching the fish finish cooking. When it was, she handed him the biggest of the three.

Jas' eyes widened at the first bite "Hey, this is pretty good!"

She watched him with a neutral expression but Jas didn't miss the way her ears stood up and twitched at his compliment "Did you do anything else to this…"

They spent the rest of the meal talking about lighter things, Jas practically begged her to teach him how to do what she’d been able to do. Once they’d cleaned up and put the fire out, the young girl turned to him “Are you ready to go home?”

The question stunned him, even when it was the first thing he wanted to do since she took him. But in the short time they spent in each other's presence, he grew to like her, like being around her. She can be odd, but she was also thoughtful, resourceful and smart. Despite the crazy way they'd met, he wanted to know more about her, wanted to stay by her side for the rest of his time on the island.

Janos stood wiping his hands on his shorts “No, not yet. As long as I get home before dinner my family wouldn’t mind where I am. You know I have no idea where we are in these woods. I’d love to be more familiar, it’ll let me come see you more while I’m here.”

She stared at him, frozen only blinking in shock. A deep blushed worked its way up from her neck. She quickly turned away from him stammering so hard Jas couldn’t understand what was coming out of her mouth.

“Just wait here I need to fix some things upstairs then we’ll go.” She told him, scurrying up the ladder.

“Wait!”

At that she turned to look down at him, her ears perking up.

The way her eyes looked at him oddly made him sheepish. He rubbed the back of his neck, a light flush on his cheeks “I never got your name”

She blinked at him before her mouth opened in a small “o” suddenly realizing what he said was right. Her mouth then curled upward in a smile “Fe, you can call me Fe.”

Jas finally had a name to her face.

“It should just be over this rock formation” Fe told him, using the rocks to hoist herself up. She stood on top of the rocky surface taking in the beautiful scenery. Her ears straightened when she heard Janos struggling to climb up behind her, she chuckled softly before reaching down to help him.

Jas’ eyes widened at sight of the waterfall, flowering trees flanking the edge of the river and petals falling down the river to the pool. It was beautiful, he turned to look at Fe to say so but paused when he saw the soft look on her face. She looked more relaxed here than the entire time they’ve spent together.

They descended the wall with little issue, although Jas did a great deal of complaining whenever he got stuck, Fe only rolled her eyes with a smile on her face.

“This is my favorite place” She told him quietly, she had laid on her stomach as heat of the sun bore down on them, her tail lazily flicking in the air. “I come here whenever the day gets difficult. Everything just feels good here, peaceful.” she finished, burrowing her head in her arms with a sigh.

He angled his neck to see her better, he smiled softly at the sight of her. He could hear a soft rumble that emanated from her, causing Janos to chuckle softly. Unbeknownst to him, she smiled at the sound.

When the sun began to set, the pair began to set off back to town. Fe pointed out little markers on the road that told them where they were, little stacks of stone, flowers shaped differently from those surrounding it, critters favoring that one tree. These were some indicators that helped the red-head find her way through the forest to find her home, she spoke so animatedly about them that Jas couldn’t help but pay attention, hanging on to her every word.

Fe paused at the edge of the forest “All right, so just follow that road there and it should lead you straight to town” she grinned at him “And try not get hit by boars anymore”

“Only if you stop chasing them in my direction”

She snorted but said nothing more on the matter. He made it past the bushes when she caught his attention again, he turned to her “What is it?"

She stared at him, her face oddly serious, it unsettled him as it wasn't a look that suited her. Jas would have very much preferred the happier version of her he saw earlier.

He walked close "What's wrong, Fe?"

"Before you return, I want you to promise me something"

Jas frowned "Tell me what it is first."

She grimaced, ears flattening, looking up at him "You can't tell anyone about me. You have to promise not to tell anyone anything about me."

“What? Why?”

“I’m not ready to tell you just yet. But please, don’t say anything to anyone about my being here.”

“And what would you do if I did say something to someone in town?”

Her golden eyes narrowed at him and the hair on tail stood “You’ll never see me again and that is something I will make sure of.” without saying anything else the red head bolted into the woods.

Janos closed the room to his room with a sigh. His sisters and cousin had only started to work on dinner when he came in, at least he had some time before he had to socialize with anyone. The dark haired boy flopped on the bed, feeling the aches in his body for the first time that day.

Regardless of how it ended with them today, he wanted to see her again. Oh yes, he’d definitely see her again.

[averagetransman]

Ok so this is an old ass post lol it took forever to find. Anyways time for Responding to A Note To Future Me 2, Electric Boogaloo

First of all 17 year old me did NOT write another note for future me (aka me) how RUDE. The AUDACITY. How DARE he.

Second of all I should prolly date this lol it's May 20 2020 at 10:47 PM.

Third I'm gonna reply to 14 year old me first and then 17 year old me.

Ok so to 14 year old me:

I remember the anger, and-this is important-you have every right to be angry. I remember the pain like it was yesterday even if dad would want me to pretend it never happened. It may hurt now, but remember it.

To answer your questions:

Oh yes, I remember. I need to catch up on RWBY...I am familiar with that feeling now (yay Homestuck^2!) Yes, I remember Let's Play Minecraft. I miss it; I haven't been able to watch it for quite some time. Working a full time job does that...Vaguely remember Minecraft Xbox. I think that's by stampylongnose, who I'm still subscribed to but don't watch anymore, again, because I don't have time. Don't remember Lindsay but I remember the others. I miss them all, especially Katie and Mercy. Of course I remember the AH crew! It's changed but still a classic. JSRF is best game, SEGA SEQUEL WHEN??? Yes, I remember Christian, he's my best friend. I...don't know what to feel. I know you have feelings for him, but it isn't fated to be.

I know the feeling of wanting to see the future all too well, so I will indulge your questions further with more answers:

Yes, you've had your first kiss-the same year you wrote that, in fact. December 4th, 2014, a date I remember well...I'm not sure about success but I do have a stable full time job and my own apartment now (well, I live with roomates but I don't live with my parents). I pay my bills, I live life to the fullest, I work hard. Even if I'm not 'successful', I am at least content and not wanting. I dropped the notion of being anti-marriage long ago (as proved by 17 year old me's response). In fact, I hope to marry my current girlfriend, Aaliyah. You've changed a lot, and that's a good thing. You were young and dumb and figuring yourself out; staying in that mental space forever would have suffocated you. I will post this, and I will write another letter to my future self, as promised (unlike past me lol).

Now, on to the response to 17 year old me.

Like I said before, past you has every right to be angry. Wanna know why? They're being abused. We were verbally and emotionally abused for years on end by our father. It's about more than just cleaning our room-our father's reaction was completely inappropriate and unwarranted. This is just one example of the abuse we endured, and while counseling helps, it doesn't fix the problem. Be easy on past us: they were going through a lot.

I remember when Homestuck 'ended' (surprise bitch! The epilogue turned out to be a segway to Homestuck^2), as well as the other things you mentioned. I admire your dedication to watch 30 minutes-2 hours of 5-6 adult men being dumb in Minecraft every Friday. Ray is actually back with Rooster Teeth (I think) but I haven't seen any of their Let's Plays recently so I'm not sure if he's back with AH.

Also, you can't hide your obsession from me. You're never going to get with Christian, and it's for the best. Y'all just aren't compatible. You'll find someone way better anyway. We're still friends, but the thought of dating him now...*shiver* no thanks.

Also that quote!! "I'm still alive, and if that isn't success then I don't know what is." Raw! Woke! Inspirational!!! You're beginning to understand!

Hang in there bro, you're almost there!

Alright, now for the questions for future me:

Have you married Aaliyah yet?

Got your own place with her?

How old is our goddaughter Sophia?

Planning on kids?

Where do you work?

How far along are you in your transition?

How's Sybille?

My goal is to answer this in another four years. I certainly hope I do.

Here's Jay, signing off.

APRIL 10, 2014: 10:59 P.M. To my future me: Do you remember me? It’s your 14 year old self. I’m sure by this point you don’t want to remember me, but I need someone to talk to. Remember the night that dad shut the power off because our brother and mine’s rooms were dirty? Remember the anger? The hate? Remember how you drew so many little marks on your left arm to stop you from hurting yourself? I do, and it scares me. That night is the night I’m writing this note for you. I am writing this from my bed, the soft hum of the AC and old Christmas tunes bouncing around the walls of my room. I really should be sleeping, but I’m laying here in my bed writing a note for you instead. There are a few things I want you to remember. Remember the excitement for RWBY Season 2? Remember waiting in anticipation for Homestuck to finally come off of hiatus and update? Remember the anticipation of the new Let’s Play Minecraft every week? And Minecraft XBox? Remember Katie and Mercy and Josh and Lindsay and Maddie and all the other friends you met in band? Remember the AH crew: Geoff, Jack, Ryan, Michael, Gavin, Ray? Remember Rooster Teeth? Remember JSRF? Remember Christian? At this point, you’re either laughing, grimacing, frowning, or smiling knowingly. Any one is fine, but knowing us, it’s probably not the last one. I wish I could see your response so I could know what the future holds? Have I had my first kiss? (Probably not.) Am I successful? (Maybe.) Do I still want to stay at least unmarried throughout my life? (Hopefully.) Of course, I’ve changed, but I hope I haven’t changed too much. I have one more thing to say before I go to bed: post this. Even if you don’t use Tumblr anymore, post this. I want people to see what life was like. And finally, write another note to your future self. I want to see how long this tradition will continue. Sincerely, Your 14 year old self

JANUARY 19, 2017: 12:24 P.M. Dear past me- You’re a dumbass, but I don’t blame you. It’s clear you were still in the ‘no marriage at all ever’ phase when writing this. As for first kiss…well, let’s just say you may have gone farther than that. I’m surprised at the difference in writing style, too…your thoughts are actually collected and in order, and mine, well…I didn’t answer any of your questions in order. I’d say getting upset over dad shutting the power off is no big deal (just clean your damn room) but I understand your depression was a LOT worse back then. I am now heavily medicated and have gone to multiple therapy sessions to help me cope with my mental illnesses. RWBY is in season 4, Let’s Play Minecraft is into the 200s, Minecraft Xbox is into the 400s, and Homestuck has officially ended (although I’m still waiting for that FUCKING epilogue). Yes I remember JSRF. It’s only, like, the best game ever. Yes, I remember all my friends from band, how could I not? They shaped me as a person. You’ll meet more wonderful friends later on in your band career. Sadly, Ray left Rooster Teeth, but now there’s Matt and Jeremy-those guys that made the Grifball map. They’re seriously awesome. Also, you’re fucking stupid if you think I’d ever forget Christian. He’s my best friend in the whole world. I care about him more than most anyone else. He’s like family, and so much more… Am I successful…? Well. Not quite yet. I’m getting there. Success takes time, and I’m taking small steps as not to stress myself. I’m still alive, and if that isn’t success then I don’t know what is. You’re going to be OK, kid. Hang in there. -Future You P.S. I fixed some spelling/grammar errors in your note. You’re welcome.