#I can’t express how happy I am that they’re really succeeding and growing and that I’ve been a able to see that and support them

[i-may-be-an-emu]

I’m not getting emotional about improv comedians my eyes are just kinda sweaty it’s fine I’m just allergic to feelings

[albertasunrise]

Just Another Conquest - Part 2

Masterlist

Warnings: You were sweet, innocent and completely infatuated with Javier Peña. After an incident at the Christmas party, you become the talk of the secretary's at the embassy and everything starts falling around you.

Pairings: Javier Peña x Reader

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of abortions, Mentions of Miscarriage.

Notes: Still a few touchy subjects in this chapter.

Part 1

You lay there waiting for the procedure to start, heart in your throat as you desperately tried to avoid his gaze. You weren’t sure why Javier wanted to be there for it, why he’d refused to leave your side since he’d found out you were in the hospital. You guessed he felt guilty, after all, he was the one that had gotten you into this mess so you had tolerated him. Had been civil. He had saved you from possible jail time, after all, flashing his badge and convincing the doctors not to report what you’d tried to do to your unborn child.

‘Right you ready?” The doctor asked in Spanish and you nodded, mixed feelings engulfing you at what was about to happen.

You nodded and she placed the probe on your exposed stomach, so you shut your eyes and waited, praying for it to be over. Javier watched you, his heart twisting as he watched the conflict you were suffering saturate your features. You had said you wanted this baby. That you were going to raise it alone and that he had an out. So why did it look like you didn’t?

Then he heard it and all thoughts disappeared like a puff of smoke.

The rhythmic thump of his child’s heartbeat filled the air and his own heart seemed to expand in his chest. He turned to look at the screen, the doctor pointing out the baby he’d helped create and he sobbed. He cried openly and you opened your eyes to see him staring at that small shape, hand over his mouth as he let his emotions flow freely. So you allowed yourself to look.

It was instant.

The feeling of love you had for this tiny being that you were growing inside of you. This tiny life that the doctor informed you were currently around the size of an olive. She then left the imaging on screen as she started to clean the jelly from your stomach and as soon as she was done, Javier placed a soft kiss there.

“Hello, little one.” He whispered and you swooned “I’m your Papi and I look forward to meeting you.” He finished before he looked up at you “If you’ll let me?”

You were at a loss for words. You’d not expected him to be so welcoming of this baby and a pang of guilt struck you. What if you had succeeded? You would have taken this away from him. You’d never stopped to consider that he might actually want this. Want to be a father.

You’d been too scared to consider it.

You were discharged later that day and Javier took you home, helped you get comfortable before putting away the medications and vitamins you’d been given. You weren’t sure when you dozed off but you’d been surprised to find that he was still there when you woke up later that day, carrying a tray of food with him as he set himself down on the bed beside you.

“Made you some soup.” He said softly as he placed the spoon in the bowl and handed it to you “Wasn’t sure whether you’d be up for anything bigger.”

“Why are you doing this Javier?” You asked, your brows furrowed as you gave him a questioning look.

“Doctor said you were going to be weak for a few more days and that you’d probably need a little extra help.” He replied, placing the bowl down when you didn’t take it.

“I know all of that I was there.” You grumbled, “I mean why are you helping me?”

“Because I care about you.”

“If you cared about me we wouldn’t be in this mess.” You spat and he flinched at the statement.

“You’re right I’m sorry.” He fumbled as he pushed the tray closer to you and stood “You don’t want me here... Fucking idiot.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Not you… I’m a fucking idiot. Thinking that you’d accept help from me.” He elaborated “Or that you’d be willing to let me be a part of this baby’s life. I have no right.” He finished as he shook his head and made his way towards the door “I’ll get Connie to come and help you. She's more qualified anyway.’ He threw over his shoulder as stepped through the doorway, only to be stopped when you called his name.

“You have every right to be a part of this baby’s life.” You started, expression softening a little “I just… I just don’t want you to feel like you are obligated to take care of me just because I’m carrying your child.”

“But that’s exactly what I am.” He turned to face you, tears pooling in those chocolate depths “It is my duty to care for the woman who’s to give me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. So I will do that however you’ll let me. Not because I need to.” He paused, locking eyes with yours “But because I want to.”

You nodded at him, giving him a weak smile before picking up the bowl of soup he left beside you and hummed in delight at the savoury flavours.

“Did you make this yourself?” You asked and he nodded shyly “This is really good. How did you learn to cook like this?”

“I nursed my mum through cancer.” He replied honestly and you looked up at him in shock “Kinda taught myself to cook so that I could take care of her and pops. He uh… Well, he didn’t cope well with her illness. Even worse when she passed.”

“Javier I-”

“I’m glad you like it Hermosa.” He interrupted with a smile, changing the subject “I’ll be just out here if you need anything.” He finished and you nodded, watching him leave whilst your heart ached for him.

~

3 months along…

“So the baby is around the size of a plumb now according to the baby book I got.” Exclaimed Javier excitedly and you smiled sweetly at him.

“You read a baby book?” Snorted Steve as he laughed at Javier’s statement, earning a smack on the arm from his wife.

“I think it’s sweet.” Announced Connie as she gave Javi’s arm a friendly squeeze.

“Have you told work yet?” Steve asked you, taking a swig of his beer.

“No.” You replied, shrugging as you spoke “We wanted to wait another month. Just to be sure everything’s… well you know.”

“Makes sense.” Connie replied as she placed a steaming mug of herbal tea in front of you “So there’s been no complications from…” She trailed off and you caught the hurt that flashed in Javier’s eyes.

“No.’ You replied simply, giving him a regretful look “We’re both very lucky.” You finished as you placed a hand on your slight bump.

“Still can’t believe you tried to get rid of it yourself.” Said Steve, not seeing the glares he then received from you and Connie.

Javier felt his stomach twist at the memory of it. Standing abruptly from his seat and making a b-line for the bathroom, Steve watched his partner leave with confusion etched into his features before finally turning his head to see the angry stares of you and his wife.

“You really do need to work on your mental filter Steve.” Connie growled as she turned to look at you “I’m sorry. You okay?”

“I am but Javi…”

“He’ll be okay,” Steve waved off but you shook your head.

“No… You don’t...” You paused a moment, remembering the conversation you and he had shared a few weeks back ‘It still hurts him to know I tried.”

…

2 weeks prior…

‘So I got this baby book.” Said Javier as he placed a large paper bag down on the table “And don’t be mad, but I got a few other things.”

“Javier I’m not even 3 months along.” You chuckled “There’s still a risk that-”

“That what?” Javier asked, his tone taking you by surprise.

“That I could lose it.” You said, voice cracking a little when you saw the expression that spread across his face “I just don’t want to jinx it.”

“You tried to get rid of it and it came through that. I’m sure-”

“Why are you still holding that over me?” You snapped “I made a mistake Javier. You need to move on.”

“Move on?” He growled, tears forming in his eyes “Move on from the fact you tried to kill our baby?”

“I was scared, Javier!” You yelled “I let you in, gave myself to you and you rejected me. Quite publicly I might add.” You paused as you tried to calm your breathing “I’m then forced to take two months off because I became the talk of the embassy and in that time I find out I’m pregnant. How was I supposed to feel about it all Javier?”

“You should have come and talked to me.” He said, tears streaming down his cheeks “I would have-”

“You would have what?” You pried “Welcomed me with open arms? Told me that we could be a happy family and that you’d made a mistake telling me I was nothing more than a stress relief exercise?”

“I never said that.”

“Oh no… we were just two friends comforting each other right.” You scoffed “Except I was in love with you...” You stopped yourself there, unable to believe that you’d just blurted that out. “I’m glad you want to be a part of this baby's life, Javier. It’s not exactly the sort of situation I’d ever expected to have a child but we have to play with the cards we’re dealt. So why don’t we just agree not to discuss the horrific thing I tried to do and just celebrate and enjoy this experience.” You paused as you took his hands in yours “I’m sorry I nearly took them from you. I know it hurts you and it pains me that I inflicted that on you but they’re here.” You placed his hand on your stomach “Growing inside me, safe and sound. We’re going to be okay.”

He'd simply nodded, unable to say anything else on the matter but he knew that he needed to try and move on as you said. It had all turned out for the best.

Right?

…

Steve sat there in shock, reeling from what you’d just told him. His partner hadn’t talked much about what had happened, it had been Connie in the end that had told him, after gaining your permission of course.

“I should go talk to him.” You said as you pushed yourself to your feet, only to be stopped by Steve.

“Let me.” He said as he stood from his seat “My fault he’s upset.” He finished as he made his way to where Javier had gone.

He found his partner staring down at a sleeping Olivia, shoulders shaking as he desperately tried to keep his internal struggle from slipping to the surface. He didn’t notice his partner step up behind him and tensed when the man's hand landed on his shoulder.

“What you doing in here partner?” He asked softly, glancing at his sleeping daughter before returning his attention to Javier.

“What if I’m no good?” He asked, taking Steve off guard.

“What do you mean brother?”

“What if I don’t make a good father?” He asked, letting out a shuddering breath “She tried to terminate the pregnancy because she didn’t think I’d want this.”

“Well, you did publicly humiliate her.”

“Fuck I know that Steve.” Javier growled as he fell back into the soft armchair beside Olivia’s cot “I made a mistake but something really wonderful has come out of that. I just… I dunno how this is going to work.”

“Do you love her?” He asked, perching on the changing table opposite his companion.

“No.” He replied, shaking his head “I mean she's attractive and we had a great time but no… I don’t love her. I’m not looking for anything more with her.”

“Well, I dunno how to advise you then man.” Steve sighed, scraping a hand over his mouth “All I can say is that you’re an idiot. She's an incredible woman and you’d be lucky to be with someone like her.”

“Trust me I know but… I don’t know I guess I just don’t know her well enough.”

“Well then make an effort to. See where that takes you and if you still don’t feel anything for her then fine but you owe it to her and your baby to at least try and see if there’s something there.” His partner finished as he got to his feet and placed a comforting hand over his shoulder “Just think about it Javi.”

…

“I should see what’s taking them so long.” You said, your nervousness getting the better of you “I’ll be right back.” You said over your shoulder to Connie before getting to your feet and making your way to where you knew Steve and Javier were, stopping when you heard their voices.

“Well, you did publicly humiliate her.”

“Fuck I know that Steve.” You let out a stuttered breath as you continued to listen “I made a mistake but something really wonderful has come out of that. I just… I dunno how this is going to work.”

“Do you love her?” Your breath caught in your throat as you awaited his answer.

“No.”

Your heart shattered.

“I mean she's attractive and we had a great time but no… I don’t love her. I’m not looking for anything more with her.”

You couldn’t listen a moment longer. You made your way back to the kitchen where Connie was finishing up with the dishes, grabbing your cardigan and purse.

“You off?” She asked, noting the change in your demeanour as you headed towards the front door.

“Yeah, I uh…” You paused, trying to keep yourself together but failing miserably “I’m tired. Say good night to Steve from me.” You choked before heading out the door, finally allowing yourself to fall apart the moment you were out of sight.

…

“She gone?” Asked Steve as he and Javier made their way back into the lounge.

“Yeah just a moment ago.” Connie stated as she looked at them both “She seemed pretty upset.” Her concern was evident in her features.

Javier’s stomach dropped. He said nothing, just sprinted out the door where he found you curled up on the ground as your tears fell freely. He was at your side in the blink of an eye, crouching down in front of you as he tried, desperately, to get you to look at him.

“Hermosa.” He pleaded and you finally look at him “What's wrong? Is it the baby?”

“Leave me alone Javier.” You growled, your sadness dissolving into anger.

“What is it?” He asked again and you scoffed at him.

“I think it would be best if we go our separate ways, Javier.” You said as you pushed him away and got to your feet “This isn’t going to work. I’m going to go and you can go back to screwing whoever takes your fancy. You aren’t cut out for this.” You finished as you cradled your small bump.

He recoiled at that, his own insecurities finally breaking free.

“I won’t stop you from seeing them. I’ll send you my address when I’m settled and if you want to come and see them then that's fine.”

“You’re leaving?”

“We both know I can’t stay here.” You growled.

“But the baby.” He sobs “I’ll miss everything.”

“You were going to miss that anyway.” You spat as you made your way over to the stairs “You’re a fool if you think you were actually going to see this through. We both know you can’t commit.”

With that, you left, stalking down the stairs and leaving a broken man in your wake. You were right. Of course, you were. He wasn’t cut out to be a father, he was deceiving himself and yet he'd wanted so desperately to try. Steve’s words floated around in his head. He should try to get to know you, to try and make a go of it but how could he when you wanted nothing to do with him. He wasn't against the idea of a relationship with one woman, he'd tried once before with Lorraine but that had crumbled to the ground.

Could things be different with you?

Sinking to the floor he allowed himself to weep. To mourn the loss of his child for he knew that you’d keep them from him, you were right to. The floor is where Connie found him a short time later and it was where she held him as he cried. When his tears dried up she pulled him inside, comforted him as he slowly turned into a shell of the man he once was and Steve knew this was his fault. He had to fix it. He just wasn’t sure how.

~

2 weeks later…

Steve had worked hard to try and bring the two of you together. You’d not mentioned leaving again but you’d also not spoken to his partner since that night. He had pleaded with you to try, told you how broken Javier had been since then but you struggled to believe the agent. You’d heard what Javier had said, he didn’t want to be with you and that he wasn’t sure how this was going to work. You knew what that meant. So you knew you had to take matters into your own hands.

You had to do right by your unborn child.

Steve continued to plead Javier’s case, however, telling you that the man was terrified to approach you for fear you would slam the door in his face you gave the blonde an opening. If Javier could come to you and make you believe that he was serious you would stay. If he couldn’t you would leave. Little did you know that the two DEA agents would be shipped off to Medellin for two weeks before he even got the chance.

Javier knocked on your door, flowers in hand and he nervously shifted from one foot to the other but when no answer came his brows furrowed in confusion and he knocked again. He'd had time in Medellin to think about things. To think about how he did want to try and make a go of things. Just because he wasn't in love with you now... Didn't mean that wouldn't come with time. He'd started to picture the family he could have with you and his heart had swelled at the idea. Knocking a third and final time he let out a frustrated sigh.

Still nothing.

Resigned to the fact you weren’t home, he sprinted upstairs and knocked on his partner's door, knowing his wife would be home with, hopefully, a little update on how you were. He’d read in the baby book that morning that now, at 14 weeks, the baby was around the size of a nectarine and that had excited him to no end. He had wondered if your bump had gotten any bigger and how you’d been coping with the morning sickness, something that had been a struggle when he’d last spoken to you.

“Javi.” Said Connie as she opened the door, Olivia in her arms “What are you doing here?” She asked as she bounced her fussy baby in her arms.

“Is she here?” He asked, saying your name when Connie gave him a bemused expression.

“You don’t know?” She questioned, her face crumpling at the realisation that he couldn't have.

“Know what?” He asked, his pulse racing as he watched Connie’s expression change to one he struggled to read “Connie where is she?”

“She left.”

Part 3

[thelazyhermits]

The Best Kind of Present

So, as y’all have seen on the most recent post I reblogged, @euan112358 has updated and edited, A Bright Celebration, which I highly recommend y’all check out if you haven’t already.

One of the additions that was made was the brief mention in chapter 5 of Midoriya deciding to give Fortune a second present which I plan on going into more detail here. For the record, this drabble takes place between chapters 4 & 5 of A Bright Celebration. 

I hope y’all enjoy it! ^-^

Karaoke is so much fun.

You always figured as much after seeing people singing karaoke on TV,  considering they always looked like they were having such an enjoyable time, but now, you know from firsthand experience that this is something that TV actually portrayed accurately.

The you from a year ago definitely would’ve felt differently because of the awful stage fright you used to have. However, that’s thankfully not something that’s afflicting you now thanks to the performance you, Eri, and Class 1-A put on for UA’s most recent class of graduates during their graduation ceremony.

Ever since then, you’ve felt much more comfortable about singing around others. Sure, you never really go out of your way to sing around others since old habits die hard, but you don’t mind singing whenever Eri or your students ask you to.

That’s why you don’t have any problems with singing on the night of your birthday, because you want to make the most of this momentous occasion and have as much fun as possible with your UA family.

Besides, how could you ever say no to your adorable students when they’re looking at you so expectantly? 

As a result, once the karaoke marathon is set into motion, you find yourself behind the microphone many times. While you sing by yourself a few times, you mostly end up singing with others since many people wanted the chance to sing with the birthday girl, and you were all too happy to oblige.

Because you’re having so much fun, it’s no surprise that you’re all smiles on the night of your grand birthday celebration. This is, without a doubt, one of the most fun nights you’ve ever experienced, and you know it will definitely be one of the most unforgettable ones.

Everyone really went all out to make your first birthday memorable, and they definitely succeeded.

“Hero too. I am a hero too~”

Even though you’re currently taking a break from the karaoke marathon that’s going on in the living room, you can’t stop yourself from singing quietly under your breath as you make a trip to the kitchen to grab yourself a bottle of water.

Yaoyorozu’s birthday present has really put you in the singing mood, and you have a feeling that’s not going to be changing anytime soon, especially considering how much fun you’re having with everyone.

Before these fun times can continue, however, you must first quench your thirst since all the singing you’ve been doing has left you feeling quite parched. Once that’s done, you can get right back into the festivities.

As you smile at that thought, you open the fridge and pull out a bottle of water. Just as you’re moving to close the fridge door, a familiar voice calls out to you.

“Y/N-sensei?”

You jolt in surprise at the sound since you weren’t expecting to be addressed so suddenly. You had thought you were the only one in the kitchen, but that’s obviously not the case.

When you close the fridge door, you see Midoriya standing there. Taking note of your surprise, he smiles sheepishly. “Sorry if I startled you.”

As you wave off his apology with a smile, you open the water bottle you grabbed and take a swig of your drink. Once you’ve quenched your thirst, you ask, “What brings you here, Midoriya? Did you need something out of the kitchen, or were you looking for me?”

“I was hoping I could speak privately with you for a moment.” Midoriya answers, “So, when I saw you come into the kitchen, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to do that.”

The corners of your lips curve upwards. “You know, I’m always happy to talk to you, Midoriya, so I’m all ears. What’s on your mind?”

Flushing, Midoriya begins twiddling his fingers. “Umm...it’s about the present you got from All Might...”

Your smile turns teasing. “Were you hoping that you could come along with us? I know you were quite jealous when you heard that my present was a weekend trip alone with him.”

His blush darkens as he begins wildly waving his hands. “N-no! You’ve got it all wrong, I swear!”

With a giggle, you reach over to ruffle his hair. “I know. I was just teasing you, Midoriya. Your reactions are always so cute, so I can never help myself.”

While Midoriya sighs in relief, you tilt your head. “So, what did you want to talk about that involves All Might’s present?”

He awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. “I was just thinking about the reason you were so excited about his present.”

As you blink in surprise, Midoriya continues, “From an outsider’s point-of-view, everyone would assume you were so excited because of your love of cats and because All Might, the former number one hero himself, is the one who will be taking you there, but...”

A soft smile forms on his lips. “When I saw the face you were making after receiving his present, all I could think was that you were so happy because you would be able to spend quality time with All Might. I could tell because I knew I would be making a similar face if I was in your shoes.”

Once you get over your surprise, you return his smile. “As expected of you. You’re exactly right, Midoriya.”

“It’s true I was excited about getting to visit an island full of cats, but I honestly would’ve been excited no matter where All Might decided to take me. because I knew anywhere would be fun as long as he was there with me.” You add.

Your expression softens. “Ever since I was a child, I’ve always dreamt of getting to spend that kind of quality time with him because he was the first hero I ever looked up to, who played a pivotal role in getting me through those years I spent in the underworld, so he’ll always be someone I greatly admire and treasure.”

His smile grows. “I’m sure All Might realized that too. That’s why he worked so hard to set things up, so the two of you can go on that trip together, because he treasures you just as much as you treasure him.”

Warmth envelops your chest at his words. “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.”

Soon after that, his smile fades, and he begins fidgeting for some reason. Before you can ask him what’s wrong, Midoriya mumbles, “After seeing how happy you were about getting to spend quality time with All Might, I got to thinking and....”

“And?” You parrot as you tilt your head curiously.

His earlier blush returns at full force. “I was thinking that, in addition to the hero costume I had made with Hatsume-san’s help, I could give you another present, one like All Might’s.”

Your eyes widen. “You mean...?”

Midoriya shyly nods, “Since you’re always telling me how much you enjoy spending time with me, because you love spending time with your heroes, I thought maybe the two of us could also do something together to celebrate your birthday.”

After saying that, he quickly adds, “Of course, I realize that there’s no way I could ever compete with All Might no matter how hard I try. I couldn’t take you to something as exciting as one of the cat islands or to any expensive places that he could easily afford, and-”

Before he can finish that sentence, you pull the surprised boy into a tight hug. “Don’t be silly. Do you really think I care about stuff like that? Obviously, I’ll be happy no matter where I go as long as I’m with you.”

His posture relaxes as he returns the hug. “That’s how I feel too. I know no matter what we do that I’ll have fun because I always enjoy myself when I’m with you.”

A warm feeling takes root in your chest at his words. “Just hearing that is a great birthday present in itself since nothing makes me happier than to hear that my hero enjoys being with me as much as I enjoy being with him.”

“Sensei....”

Since it sounds like your student is on the verge of tears, you refrain from saying anything else that could make him cry. Instead, you pull away from him and meet his teary gaze, smiling all the while. “So, what would you like to do together? Did you have something in mind?”

Midoriya blushes as he shakes his head. “Not really. I was so nervous about just asking you to hang out that I didn’t think to consider what we could actually do together...”

“B-But I will definitely think of something fun we can do! I’ll begin researching tonight to find the best places in town to visit, so I can get back with you as soon as possible!”  He quickly adds.

Chuckling, you ruffle his hair. “There’s no rush, Midoriya. Besides, considering how late we’ll all likely stay up tonight, I think you should save your research for another day, considering tomorrow is the first day of the new school year.”

He sheepishly scratches his cheek. “Oh yeah, that’s true...”

“So, take all the time you need, Midoriya.” You smile, “I don’t mind waiting since I know whatever you have in store for me will be worth the wait.”

His expression brightens. “I’ll make sure to meet your expectations!”

Your smile grows. “I know you will, because meeting and surpassing my expectations is something you’ve been doing for quite some time now.”

And you have no doubt that that won’t be changing anytime soon.

[prurientpuddlejumper]

Parental Advisory [18+]

K!nktober 2020 Kink Bingo!: Ass Worship

Summary: You bring Frederick Chilton to meet your parents over a weekend. Chilton is rude them. You do him in the ass at your parents’ house. 

This oneshot stands on its own, but it’s also a side-story from the A Punchable Face That I Want to Kiss universe, which has a gender-neutral reader. So this is either pegging or penis depending on how you’re interpreting the reader! (And since even I am not sure, it’s going for the Ass Worship square in @thatesqcrush​’s Kink Bingo instead of pegging or anal)

*There is no weird parent voyeurism or whatever, the walls are thick in this house OK? They’re just there for the awkward social interaction of bringing home a pompous douchebag XD 

5,059 words

“That went quite well,” said Dr. Chilton, voice smooth and velvety with confidence as you settled into the guest bedroom upstairs.

You grimaced, and quietly shut the door behind you. When you didn’t answer, he looked over to see a teeth-gritting expression plastered on your face. He raised an eyebrow. You tried to coax your face into a genuine smile, but only succeeded in stretching the corners of your mouth more tightly until you looked like some kind of face-eating killer-clown monster.

“Did it not go well?”

“Ummmm...” you stretched a long vowel and scratched the side of your neck to fill the pause as you made up your mind on exactly how to explain this to him.

His velvety confidence broke and he closed the distance between you in a quick stride, taking your shoulders and searching your eyes with worry etched into his brow.

“Tell me.”

“Frederick, you can’t just tell people it’s obvious they come from dirt because of the length of stitches in their hem!”

“That is not what I said—I observed the indications of working-class design popularized by the—”

“Frederick!”

“I was showing interest in their cultural heritage.”

“And you thought that was the way to do it?!”

He quieted. “They were not fond of me, then?”

“As first impressions go, it was pretty bad.”

“Shit.” He sank down onto the edge of the bed—a floral lavender comforter matching the rest of the room, tucked crisply around the sides as if it had never been slept in before, which it hadn’t. Frederick rested his elbows on his knees and let his forehead sink into his hands.

He was worried. He had only been dating you for a year, but you were different than his usual flings. For one thing, you had stayed with him for an entire year. You were affectionate and honest. You didn’t care about money. If he made a snipe about you being a hot mess, you would mock him right back for caring too much about appearances. It was, he eventually discerned, because you hadn’t come from a wealthy family, and never envied those who did. You were actually happy with who you were and scorned the idea of status symbols—like his car, his watches, his house, his Montblanc pens—whose only purpose was to display wealth. It annoyed him at first, but then he wondered, if you were not after him because he was a wealthy doctor, what did you see in him?

He was still figuring that out. If possible, he would like to spend a lifetime figuring it out—he even planned to ask you to move in with him—but he may have just ruined that.

***

Dr. Chilton’s poor impression began hours before he even met your parents. Since you were just going home to family, you wore a plain t-shirt and jeans. Despite your specific instruction to dress casually, he wore a suit. And so, the first thing your parents saw when they opened the front door was a pair so mismatched, it looked like an illicit student-professor affair.

He then handed them a very expensive bottle of wine as a gift—but, as was Frederick’s habit, it was too opulently out of your parents’ price range to be interpreted as anything other than boasting. Your father grumbled, “Thanks,” in a way that Frederick seemed blithely unaware meant “fuck you.”

After that, Chilton began observing things like bargain-bin Sherlock Holmes, and generally being Chilton. He mentioned that their entire house could fit inside his garage. After a few minutes of stilted conversation he said, in not a flattering way, that he could “see where you got it from now.”

You hadn’t expected the first meeting between your elitist doctor boyfriend and your down-home parents to go well, but you had hoped he might lean more toward the charming side of his charming asshole spectrum, just for today. He had a way of getting under everyone’s skin at first, including yours. But he was sweet, underneath his WASPy upbringing, and you were sure they would see that.

When Frederick excused himself to the bathroom, your father immediately let out the complaints he had been barely containing for the last hour. “So that’s not going to last much longer, is it?” he snorted, leaning forward in his La-Z-Boy recliner. “How do you stand it? Did you hear him correct me about searing steak? As if that dandy would know the first thing about grilling.”

“He’s right, you know,” you said. “Searing doesn’t lock in juices, it just adds flavor. I Googled it.”

“Now he’s corrupting my own child!” your dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air. “You gonna be a know-it-all now, too?”

“As if I wasn’t already,” you challenged, hand on your hip. Your dad wasn’t wrong, though, so you laughed it off and shook your head. “I know, I know. That’s just how he is. Once we got into a disagreement about how ‘pajamas’ is pronounced, and he wouldn’t let it go until... Well, I just started using the word sleepwear.”

“And he wears double-breasted suits,” your mother chimed in behind her hand.

“Oh? What about it?”

“They’re so sleazy!” she cried.

“They are?” If this was some sort of well-known fashion knowledge, your parents never passed it down to you. You always thought Frederick looked good in whatever he wore.

“I don’t know what you see in that pompous little twerp,” your dad sighed heavily, then grinned. “I bet I could pick him up with one hand and toss him out the window.”

“Dad!”

“Bet he screams like a girl,” your father roared with laughter, slapping his knee.

“Oh, he does,” you said with a cold, tight smile. “And if you lay a hand on him, you’ll be singing like a girl, you get me?”

The laughter stopped, and you found yourself in the most intense familial staredown since Thanksgiving 2008. Your father’s eyes silently growled, “You would threaten your own father?!” and yours narrowed and hissed, “I will if you threaten my boyfriend!”

Your mother broke the silence with a patient, pleading voice. “I get it. He’s rich, and he’s not bad looking. But you know you don’t have to marry for money. Your father and I have enough, and I thought you were doing well for yourself working with the FBI.”

“You really think I’d be with someone for money?” you said, mouth agape with bewilderment. Sometimes you wondered if these people knew you at all. “He’ll grow on you, trust me. Just… try to ignore the condescending shit that comes out of his mouth. It becomes endearing eventually.” Footsteps creaked on the second floor, announcing Frederick’s imminent return. You put on your sternest kindergarten-teacher face and pointed across the living room at your parents. “Both of you, behave!”

***

You stood beside him and tenderly ran your fingers through his thick brown hair—a gesture he adored, reserved for evenings at home and mornings before grooming so as not to ruin his perfect coif. He closed his eyes and leaned into the comforting sensation, grateful that you were, at least for the moment, not upset with him.

“I was trying to be friendly,” Frederick explained, his voice sounding as much like a whining child justifying why he had tracked dirt into the house as it did like a man.

Your gentle fingers clenched tightly in his hair and tugged down on the back of his head with enough force to make him look up at you, eyes opening wide with surprise. You narrowed yours.

“You weren’t trying to get them to like you, you were trying to prove that you were superior to them. It’s what you always do,” you growled.

He stared back at you for a few beats, trying to decide whether to be offended, chastised, or turned on. With your fingers curled roughly in his hair, controlling his head with a firm grip, he knew you were not truly angry. You were slipping into character, playing a game at ‘punishing’ him, which he could stop in a word if he wanted to. But the evening would be more fun if he gave you more to punish him over.

“I did no such thing,” he huffed. “If your parents confuse intelligence and culture with condescension, that is hardly my fault!”

Your lips crashed down on his with a snarl, shutting him up as your tongue invaded his mouth to stop his from wagging. The kiss was bruising at first, an act of dominance, but his loud, muffled moans into your mouth and his soft, yielding lips coaxed you to slow down and enjoy it. Your grip in his hair grew softer again, turned into gentle caresses, and your kiss grew deeper and more passionate. Fuck if you didn’t love it when he was bratty. When you finally broke away, his face was flushed and there were stars in your eyes. You slowly sucked the mingled saliva off your lower lip while you appraised him.

“You are a very rude boy, Frederick,” you said, a long, predatory smile slowly slanting over your lips. “Aren’t you?”

He swallowed, obediently staying seated but leaning forward with anticipation. “Yes.”

You threw a leg across his lap, straddling him, and pushed the center of his chest until he was lying flat on the bed. You followed him halfway down, caging him in with your arms and staring down at him with mock anger. His cock was already twitching under your thigh, and a wave of arousal washed over you, making it hard to keep up your performance. But you wanted to see him squirm.

“Rude boys need to learn their place.” You lowered your mouth to his, but stopped an inch before kissing him. He tried to tip his head to meet your lips, but you sat up, grinning with the feeling of power over him as he whimpered with disappointment. “Nope. You were a bad boy today, Frederick. You haven’t earned another kiss yet.”

“What can I do to make it up to you?” he asked, his voice already heavy with lust.

You thought about it, stroking your chin. “You always act like you’re so much better than everyone,” you observed, reaching between your legs to idly stroke his growing bulge through his pants. His hips jerked, pushing his cock into your palm. “What would your high-society friends think if they saw you with your ass in the air, begging for a lowly commoner to fuck you?”

His adam’s apple bobbed sharply. He liked the idea. He liked it a lot.

“I want you to strip for me,” you ordered in a calm, matter-of-fact tone. “Then I want you on all fours.”

Normally he wouldn’t have hesitated, so when you looked down and saw tension, not arousal, in his eyes, you were concerned.

“Will your parents hear us?” he asked, a blush creeping up the sides of his neck. “I was hoping to walk away with at least a neutral review from your family, and I assume being overheard in the throes of passion will not result in favorable points.”

You smirked devilishly. “Then you’d better be quiet.”

***

After a few minutes for each of you to shower and prepare, you had Frederick just as you’d asked. Naked and on his knees. “That’s my good little slut,” you praised, running your hand over his ass and giving it a light smack—not enough to make much noise, but the light contact was enough to make Frederick whimper softly with need. “Such a beautiful ass.”

“Touch me more,” he breathed.

“Good boy, telling me what you want, but you have to be more specific. Where do you want me to touch you?”

“Anywhere,” he whispered with such honesty it was heartbreaking. He really didn’t care, so long as you were touching him. It made you want to forget everything else, hold him as tight as you could, and never let him go… but this was punishment.

“I see,” you tutted. “First you’re rude and arrogant, and now you can’t make up your mind.” You let your hand trail off, and he whimpered louder the moment you broke contact. You stalked a circle around the bed, taking your time to just enjoy the sight. It was only a double size bed, so unlike the monstrosity Frederick owned, you could easily prowl around the entire thing as you appraised his form like he was displayed on a pedestal. “You really are handsome,” you purred, eyes gliding over his broad shoulders and muscular arms, bulging with thick veins bulging all the way down to the backs of his hands. He wasn’t especially tall and seemed so bookish in his suits, but those biceps could crack your head like a walnut, and you’d let him. But he glanced up and met your eyes with a pathetic, questioning look that told you he didn’t really believe you. You could tell him over and over again how perfect he was, but for someone with such a big ego, he was remarkably insecure. Then again, maybe the two went hand in hand.

You finished your circuit and finally stepped up to the edge of the bed behind him, welcomed by the sight of his shapely ass with his tight hole eagerly waiting for you, his weighty balls hanging below, cock already standing in rigid defiance of gravity.

“Now that’s a pretty picture,” you let out a throaty growl of appreciation, and couldn’t resist running your hands down the rounded curve of his ass cheeks. “I can’t wait to fuck this perfect ass,” you moaned.

He breathed deeply, shuddering as you climbed onto the bed behind him, the front of your thighs pressed against the back of his. “Thank you. Thank you,” he whispered as your hands roamed over his back and sides. You dipped one down his soft stomach, smoothing over the raised scar and fine hairs that grew coarser beneath his belly button until you found his cock. It was already rock hard. You took its velvety skin in your hand and gave a few lazy strokes just to hear him choking on his breath, to feel his body tense and go slack at the same time. You brought your fingers to your mouth and tasted his salty precum, closing your eyes as it sent blood surging between your thighs. You licked each finger with a loud wet noise, and hummed as you savored it to be sure he knew what you were doing. When his hips shifted, trying to grind against you, and he whimpered a lusty, “Please,” you knew it had worked.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” you asked, voice thick with arousal.

“Y-yes,” he stammered, shifting back to grind his hips against yours.

“Say it then, Doctor Chilton. I want you to tell me what you want me to do. Tell me what will make you feel good. I want to hear you beg for it, remember?”

“Please?” he whined more desperately. You didn’t give an inch.

“Please what?”

He groaned miserably, and didn’t answer. As strong as his need was, he hated being vulnerable enough to ask for what he wanted out loud, and it didn’t help that you had goaded him earlier about begging. Now he was going to deliberately be stubborn. But you were patient. Before the night was over, he would beg.

“You know,” you pondered aloud, spreading and kneading his thick cheeks, “if you have one thing to feel superior about, it’s this ass.” You gave it another light smack, and he jumped. “It’s so big, and I love—” you cut yourself off, ducking down and kissing the inside of his thigh. You kissed all the way down to his knee, and all the way up until you were moving his balls aside, gently toying with them in one hand so you could press your lips to the juncture of his leg and hip. His breathing was coming out harder, more erratic, but he was still managing to control his voice until you switched legs and gave a sharp nip to his thigh that made him yelp and clap a hand to his mouth. You teased and marked his thighs until they were shaking, then dragged your teeth up his buttocks and gave him a firm nip. Now you really got into it, moaning as you sucked on his flesh, leaving stinging red marks all over his pale ass cheeks. He groaned with pleasure, but stubbornly kept his hand over his mouth, denying you what you wanted—hearing him beg for more. It was a battle of wills he could only win for so long.

“Too bad,” you pouted, dragging your fingers slowly up the sensitive flesh between his balls and his ass. You licked a broad swathe along the same path, and his muffled whimpering and the writhing of his hips was like music, spurring you on. “I really want to finger that perfect ass of yours, but if you can’t tell me that’s what you want...” The tips of your fingers found his tight entrance and circled it slowly.

A long whine came from deep in the back of Frederick’s throat, and finally he panted out, “I… would like you to—please.”

“To what?” you asked, feigning innocence.

He snarled with frustration, squeezing his eyes closed as he answered, “F-fingers!”

“That’s not a very polite way of asking, but it will do for now.” You poured lube over his ass and worked it in until everything was nicely slippery and circled his entrance again, teasing circles that slowly spiraled toward the center, finally pressing a fingertip inside him.

“More… please…” he whimpered. You complied, building up slowly, sinking one finger into him, then once he was babbling frustrated demands for more, stretching him open with two. Pumping your fingers, you curled them down toward his stomach to stroke that tender bundle of nerves that made him cry out with pleasure, toes curling, when you found it.

“Quiet now,” you warned, pressing a chaste kiss to one of the hickeys you’d left, “You don’t want anyone to hear.” The strangled sounds he made into the mattress as he struggled to keep quiet were almost enough to send you right over the edge. Even though you were focusing entirely on his pleasure, it was a turn-on for you, too. “You feel so good, taking me like this,” you cooed, your voice only cracking a little. “So tight.” Wet noises filled the room, and the huffing of his breath came harder. You reached between his legs and barely touched his burning hot cock when his will broke.

“Please—please fuck me,” he panted, ragged and hoarse like he would die if you didn’t. “I want you to fuck me. Oh, god, oh, god. Please!”

“What a good boy, begging so pretty for me.” You slowly removed your slick fingers from his core, and he looked back at you, eyes pleading for you to fill him again. You raised your eyebrows at him expectantly, almost stern, on the cusp of complete victory and he knew it, but was too lost to care anymore. The urgent flames of his arousal burned every muscle in his body, and he would say everything he knew you wanted to hear if it meant he could come.

“Please, please fuck my ass. I am sorry for being rude. I was bad. I know I am rotten and do not deserve you, but please, I am begging you to fuck me.”

An aching pang twisted your heart and took you out of the moment and any desire to torment him. You bent low, pressing your body over the length of Frederick’s back, grasped him by the chin, and twisted his face to lock eyes with you. “You deserve me, Frederick,” you said, voice steady and serious. “You are not bad. You are wonderful, and I love you. I wasn’t trying to… I wanted you to feel humble, not undeserving. You deserve to be loved. Do you understand?”

He nodded, and leaned all his weight onto one arm so he could draw your head down closer and kiss you, fervent and warm. It was a little quick and desperate, all wet tongues and sliding lips, but with a loving softness to it that melted you. “Please,” he urged, “if you make me repeat positive affirmations now before you will fuck me, I swear—” He glowered petulantly, though it was a thin performance. It didn’t escape your notice that he cut his sentence short, as there was no actual threat to fill in the blank of what he swore. He would patiently endure any torture you threw at him, and you both knew it.

You chuckled at his adorable defiance, kissed him lightly on the nose, then ruthlessly pushed his shoulders down into the mattress. He fell with a satisfied moan of anticipation. “Look at this,” you pronounced, as if you’d just walked in on the scandalous scene. “The great Doctor Chilton with his ass in the air, begging to be taken by some nobody. How shocking, simply shocking,” you teased, elongating each syllable the way Frederick did when he was being particularly snobby.

“Please, please fuck me,” he pleaded, voice pitifully small and helpless, half-smothered against the mattress, playing his part as if his depravity were on display to his peers.

Your voice dropped a quarter octave and took on a hungry edge. “I could never turn down such a desperate request from such an esteemed gentleman.”

Frederick had been waiting a long time, and moaned loudly as you finally pushed inside of him, not bothering or not aware enough to control his volume. The pace you set was deep and steady, not punishingly hard, but not languid and easy, either. Sliding in and out of his tightness, you gripped his hips, and angled yours to hit the sweet spot inside him. You knew the moment you’d found it—suddenly, he could barely contain his whimpering and moaning, babbling nonsense as he began to fall apart.

“You were trying to prove you were better than everyone today, weren’t you?” you leaned over him and hissed in his ear as you thrust.

“Yes,” he admitted, his voice strained and panting, so close to his release. He was drooling onto the blanket.

“What have I told you about being humble?”

“To… try it?” he struggled to answer, voice jostling as you thrust into him harder, his hips rocking to push against your thrusts, deepening the penetration.

“That’s right. Because you’re not better than anyone else, are you?”

“…No,” the answer tore from his throat in a shameful gasp.

You sank your teeth into his shoulder, and he cried out with pain and pleasure. “You’re a dirty slut who likes to be dominated, aren’t you?”

“Y-yes.”

“And you’re perfect just as you are and don’t need to prove anything to anyone, aren’t you?”

“Ye—” he almost answered, but then his hips stuttered in their movement and stopped.

“I love you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes,” he breathed. His hips began to move again as his confusion cleared, meeting yours as they crashed against his muscular ass.

“I think you’re perfect,” you smiled, feeling his muscles tense as his climax neared. “And you would never contradict me, would you?”

“Never.”

“Good.” You sat higher again to get a better angle on his prostate and took his dripping cock in your palm, stroking in time with your thrusts, overwhelming him with sensation. His whole body convulsed beneath you. He shoved a pillow into his mouth just in time to keep the entire house from hearing his lung-shattering wail, his back arching as he painted his seed over the pristine lavender blankets, coming so hard he nearly came on his own face. You slumped down over him, and he reached for your hand, his fingers laced with yours.

His back rose and fell with each panting breath as he slowly came down from the high, both of you exhausted and sweating and pleasantly sleepy. You rolled over into a more comfortable position to spoon him. The hairs on the back of his neck were soft and ticklish against your nose as you nuzzled him, pressing gentle kisses all along his neck and under his jaw, feeling his pulse surging hot beneath your lips. He groaned softly in the aftermath, melting in your arms. Longing to have more of you to hold onto, he flipped over so he was facing you, wrapping his powerful arms around you snugly, burying his face under your chin. His hair was a mess, partly stuck to his forehead with sweat with one giant cowlick on the side he had pressed against the mattress, and you couldn’t resist running your fingers through it to muss it up more. More happy noises came forth, and a few wet, sucking kisses clung to your throat.

“I love you,” he murmured, and the sound vibrated up your neck.

“Fuck, I love you so much,” you whispered back, wrapping a leg around him to pull him even closer, his spent erection pressing into you. You could feel the stickiness of his release smearing over your leg, but at this point, you were both going to need a shower anyway. “I love you.”

For several minutes you just lay there recovering, warm in each other’s embrace, softly whispering praises. Finally, he pulled back, an ocean of green eyes gazing back into yours with a question in them. He pondered it for a long while, and finally, instead of asking, declared, “Tomorrow, I shall correct my mistakes. I run an entire hospital of psychopaths; I can manage to make your parents like me.”

“Why are you so worried about what they think?”

“I do not care what they think. I worry about what they think and tell you. They… are important to you. If they disapprove, it may sway your feelings. Not right away, perhaps, but that familial bond will gnaw at you day by day, like a rat chewing through bone, until you share their negative opinion, and…” he shrugged, his eyes glassy, “…I will lose you.”

You caressed the side of his jaw and neck, thumb stroking his cheek, and peppered his face with kisses. Smoothing your palm down his shoulder, you pulled yourself close until your forehead knocked against his. “Nothing is going to change the way I feel about you, Frederick. Nothing. I love you. I don’t care what they think. It’s not like I’m just now discovering that you rub people the wrong way,” you chuckled. “That’s part of what makes me love you. You can be… officious. It takes time to get to know you. But I have never regretted a single minute of it. They’ll come around.”

His surrounding arms tightened around you possessively, quietly affirming that he understood.

Circling your hand idly over his back, still damp with sweat, you admitted something you hadn’t told him. “I was more nervous about what you would think of them,” you said, and he pulled back to pin you with a stare demanding an explanation. You squirmed under his gaze, cheeks heating up. “I didn’t want you realizing I’m complete born-and-bred trash.”

“I was already well aware of that, darling.”

A low growl stirred in your chest. “Still rude,” you snarled gleefully, rolling him onto his back, pinning his shoulders down, and biting his neck. He yelped and scrambled into a sitting position, taking you with him until you fell off his lap to the side.

“S-sorry!” you gasped, afraid you had bitten him too hard for him to balk so dramatically, when he was usually willing to play along with anything. A split second later, you realized it wasn’t pain on his face. His lips were curled as if he had stepped in something slimy. Or rather, rolled in it. Which he had.

“Eeuughh!” he shuddered.

“Since when are you so squeamish?” you asked with a sultry look to remind him of all the times he had licked himself off of your fingers.

“It was cold,” he shot back.

And kind of everywhere. He came a lot. And none of it had been intercepted by any orifices, so his full load was painted across the blanket like a Jackson Pollock.

You thanked your lucky stars that the guest bedroom had its own half bath stocked with washcloths, so you didn’t have to venture into the hall while sticky with sex. But after cleaning yourselves up and changing into sleepwear, you stared with dismay at the floral-patterned blanket you and Frederick had ruined.

“I do not accept responsibility for this,” Frederick said. “Having sex in your old bedroom was your idea—I cannot be held accountable for ruining your childhood memories.”

The speed at which Frederick shifted to weaseling out of blame overwhelmed your ability to keep a straight face—you smirked, snorted, and gave in completely to a belly-shaking laugh. He raised an eyebrow and glanced at you sideways.

“Frederick...” your shoulders bounced, “Does this look like a childhood bedroom? My parents moved after I graduated college.”

“Ah.” The tips of his ears turned red with embarrassment. You recalled how impersonal his own bedroom—and entire house—was, and your heart ached to think that he couldn’t even recognize that an ordinary childhood bedroom would be cluttered with forgotten toys and old posters. “That would explain the lack of baby pictures.”

“You can ask my parents to show you the photo albums,” you said offhandedly, and smiled at the way he perked up with genuine interest.

“I have been curious what species of gremlin you evolved from...” he smirked.

“My parents would love it if you let them show you the family albums. I will be mortified, but they’ll love you for it.”

“The key to their hearts, as it were?”

“You know, yeah. It might actually tip the scales. It might even make up for this,” you gestured at the blanket which the bodily fluid and lube stains were definitely never washing out of.

He sank down onto the edge of the bed and covered his face with his hands. “Fuck.”

• ● • ━━━━━─ ••●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

Tags:

@beccabarba / @caked-crusader / @itsjustmyfantasyroom / @thatesqcrush / @dianilaws / @permanentlydizzy​ / @mrsrafaelbarba​ / @da-po / @madamsnape921

[jjuzoir]

Match Maker | s. banri

request: “Hello! I personally really love your writing and your whole aesthetic is my dream lol 👉👈 Can I request a scenario where reader and Banri are best friends since childhood? You can turn it into best friends to lovers kind of thing if you feel like it. I’m personally a huge fan of best friends to lovers aus, they just,,, melt my heart 🥺 Thank you so much, please don’t feel like you have to rush it and take your time! 💞” from anon

a/n: i accidentally deleted your anon but i managed to save the request itself sooryy^^ i am so sorry it’s taken me so long omg 🥺 i love you sooo much anonie 💕✨ i love f2l so much too it’s so cute just seeing people who love each other being able to be with each other is !!! ahhh ✨💕 i really enjoyed working on it and i’m really happy with it hhhh thank you sm for requesting ilysm ahhh

word count: 2973

There were many perks to being friends with Banri, he was funny and nice when he wanted to be— he’d help you out with homework and never let you down; if there was one thing you could always count on Banri to be it was determined and loyal. But there were downsides to it too like the looks you’d get for hanging out with a guy with such a shitty reputation, the way he’d always get into fights, or seeing him waste his life away due to lack of interest. There were the multiple fights you had to endure, patching him after he got his ass beaten to a pulp the first few times.

But you wouldn’t trade him for the world. You had stuck with him through so many things, so many phases and bruises, beginnings and ends, you knew him like the back of your hand and you knew how hard it was for him to live such an “easy” life. He liked a challenge, something to work hard towards, something worth fighting for— so he could relish in the satisfaction, but that something never came. When everything comes easy you can never really bask in satisfaction; the afterglow after a succeeding.

Maybe at first, you guessed, Banri did enjoy it but he soon grew tired; everything was easy, too easy. How could he enjoy a life with no challenges when what he liked the most was a challenge?

That’s why when he joined the Mankai company you were ecstatic, finally a non-destructive hobby after years of fights and punches. It was why you didn’t mind distancing yourself from him, to let Settsu enjoy himself and get to know theater— you guessed you just didn’t know how far was enough, leading you to grow farther away than either of you expected; than either of you needed.

Looking back, Banri was somewhat grateful; he knew had you stuck around he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate with the growing feelings he had blooming in his chest.

He realized his feelings for you weren’t the same when texting you wasn’t enough, when meeting you at school wasn’t enough; when he realized that he wanted more. He never took into account how often you two would be together, it felt so natural, there was never a second thought or a minute to imagine what would happen if your routine were to change. After school and during breaks, you’d always be together chatting away; to not have you there by his side as often was weird. It wasn’t as if he never saw you but whenever you left he felt a bitter feeling in his mouth, it left him feeling unsatisfied. What was once a friendship that lasted 24 hours a day soon shortened into a relationship that would last as long as school breaks would allow.

He hoped that once he quit the troupe— after making his point known to Juza, he’d be able to go back to his routine with you, perhaps confess or just let it go, he just wanted to ditch acting and see where you two would go. But he never really quit and so the distance between you two became bigger.

You never grew estranged, neither of you would’ve been able to live without the other by this point— 14 years of friendship, of familiarity and comfort, can’t go down the drain like that. To you Banri was the need for a future, for excitement and adventure, and to him, you were home, nostalgic and known. But going from hanging around each other everyday to almost once in a blue moon, it hit hard and it hit roughly.

By the third performance, you and him could barely meet in person— you had joined clubs while he practiced, your classes weren’t the same and your part time job started demanding more attention; so all you could do was text. He hated texting, you could never really express your tone and feelings properly, but your relationship— or what remained of it, now hung on a thin thread of texts. It was weird, heart breaking almost, to see the shell that remained of your friendship.

It was around that time Banri realized he needed to act on his feelings for you, it was when he realized he could lose you.

He didn’t know how to confront you about it— the boy you had been hanging out around, he’d seen you two, heard the rumors of a possible romance, but he never confronted you. Blue eyes could only watch in confusion as the situation unfolded itself; you two were 17, not kids anymore, it’d be weird for him to pop in one day and demand for you to explain yourself to him. Banri wasn’t delusional, he knew you didn’t owe him an explanation.

Izumi noticed the uncertainty and hesitation in him, how something or someone was bothering him. It was soon after that his discomfort was known to the rest of the company and they grew confused and concerned— some more worried than others. It was her who ended up confronting Banri, she had to convince the dyed blond to not threaten the young boy with behavior and discipline.

Even through his short answers and cold stare it didn’t take the brunette long to understand what was bothering him.

“So, you like your best friend?” Izumi’s pink eyes were tinted with understanding and pity as she looked at the young boy.

However, Banri was too prideful to answer, instead opting to roll his eyes in acknowledgment.

“Well, why don’t you say something about it?”

“[Name] doesn’t owe me an explanation,” he muttered, he had thought about it but really— he was also afraid; if you were dating that boy then it meant his feelings were one sided and he could ruin your trust, make you feel like you had a babysitter or a possessive friend, and accidentally reveal the feelings he had only recently begun to acknowledge.

“I guess you’re right, but you owe yourself closure,” Izumi states straight into his eyes, “Just try talking to them about it.”

“Hmph…”

He stared at your contact name for a while before pressing it that night, he spent at least 14 minutes typing and re-typing what he wanted to send, never before had he been so self conscious when talking to you.

As he laid buried within his covers, only the soft light of his phone shining, he realized how important you were to him; he couldn’t fuck up.

‘Hey, our next performance is next week wanna come??????’

Once he had settled for a text and was ready to press send he heard a deep, and extremely annoying, voice coming from beside him.

“Delete some question marks, it makes you look desperate.”

“Fuckin’- were you reading my texts?” Banri barked at the golden eyed boy, what was that creep doing getting into his conversation with you?

“Kinda hard not to when you’ve got your ringer on, this isn’t a coming of age movie turn that shit off, iss’ annoying.” Juza grumbled before shoving his head between his pillows and Banri swore the small wooden panel separating both of their beds was suddenly asking to be used as a murder weapon.

“Fuck off, Hyodo.”

‘Hey, our next performance is next week wanna come over??’

“You are gonna give them their tickets, right?”

“Of course I am, I ain’t some sort of asshole!” Settsu could swear every time Juza opened his mouth he lost 10 years of his lifespan.

“Ya’ sure about that?”

“Say it to my fuckin’ face, eh?”

‘Hey, I got some tickets for our next performance if you wanna come??’

“Is that better, dick head?” Banri shoved his phone at the purple haired boy causing him to swat his hand away.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Whatever-? You know what, choke on my dick.”

“Come on, I’ve sucked candy bigger than your dick, Settsu, I ain’t chokin’ on a pickle.”

He was surprised that you answered so quickly a short and simple ”Oh my god!!! Yes!!” that had sent his heart into super sonic speed. He guessed that, if Izumi was right and he did like you, that it made sense- and if he had to be honest, really had to be, you could say he didn’t mind the way his heart fluttered around his chest.

‘Come over early and I’ll give them to you’

“And they say chivalry is dead.” Juza grumbled into his pillow, earning a smack from Banri.

A week later and you were standing in front of the Mankai dorm waiting for him, you had to admit that- although sudden, the invite did make you quite happy, even if you both didn’t talk as often you still cared deeply about him.

While you stood outside waiting, however, inside the dorm Banri was getting one final pep talk from Izumi before he asked you out- or tried to at least.

“I get it! Izumi, stop nagging already,” blue eyes rolled as the older woman went over the plan.

“I am not nagging, Settsu! I am simply making sure you don’t screw up!” She shrieked, she was this close to setting you up with Juza out of spite.

“Look, I’m fine,” he assured her, “I’ll just tell ‘em how I feel and if they say yes then good and if they say no then whatever- it’s not like we won’t talk if I’m rejected.” Right?

“Hey, Neo delinquent, you shouldn’t leave your date waiting,” Yuki grumbled as he nodded over to the door, “Poor thing’s been there for half an hour, let it in already.”

“Yuki! Don’t talk about [Name] like they’re a dog!” Izumi scolds the middle schooler.

“Whatever, just worried they’re gonna catch a cold.” He shrugs before leaving the room, if you ended up sick you’d only have those two to blame.

“Okay, now go- go!” Izumi pushed the tall boy before running off to hide behind the wall, just in case.

Banri takes note of his sweaty hands and scolds himself; keep it together. He shakes his head and opens the door to find you waiting for him.

In the second it took you to process the opened door, Banri felt himself fall in love with you. After not seeing each other in person since the start of the new semester, it dawned on him how much he yearned to be with you.

“Banri, I missed you!” You throw your arms around your friend, you were excited— it had been weeks since you’d last seen him and you missed him, even if you two didn’t talk as much there was never a day you didn’t think of him in some way.

“[Name],” he ruffled your hair, his eyes softening as he looked at you, “I missed you too.”

“I’m so excited,” you pulled away from him, looking him straight in the eyes, “I was so worried I wouldn’t get tickets, I really wanted to see you act again!”

“Tch, ain’t you a fan?” He teases you, making way for you to come inside the dorms and you gladly do. It had been months since you last came, but it still looked and felt the same; he felt and looked the same, he looked smarter though, more mature and put together.

“You’re talking as if I wouldn’t come see my best friend.” You smile up at him and he feels his heart clench in his chest at your words.

As he leads you to the living room he wonders if he should actually tell you— unlike most things in his life, you were always there, no matter what he was doing you’d always stuck around him. Ever since you were young, Banri can’t remember a time where you weren’t there and, honestly, he didn’t want to.

His silence catches your attention and you decide to speak up; “So, how have things been?”

“Ah, good, they’ve been good,” he coughs, he felt stupid getting nervous over this- he should just get it out as fast as possible, “and you?”

“Things ‘ve been well, kinda weird without you around.” You admit awkwardly as you sit down on the couch.

He nods, a smile gracing his lips as he thinks about how to lead the conversation where he needs it to be. He remembers Izumi’s words and advice, he deserved closure and, maybe it was selfish of him but, he wanted a relationship with you too. He really, really wanted a relationship with you.

“[Name]?” He speaks out, his voice wavering slightly and if he could he’d beat himself up for it. Hearing the uncertainty behind his words you almost shoot up from your seat in worry.

“Yeah?”

“I- I know it’s sudden and,” he takes a deep breath, “it’s gonna sound weird but I, uh- realized somethin’.”

You nod confused, you were listening to him and you wanted him to continue; that’s the moment he realized he’d need to fold whatever pride he had left and throw it in the air if he wanted to know the truth.

“It’s very weird and if it makes you uncomfortable it’s okay! It’s just, I've heard about you goin’ out with someone and I wanted to know if-?”

“Oh! You mean Rin, right? No, don’t worry, he’s dating someone; we’re just friends!” You laugh as you explain.

“Oh, good.” Even with his, albeit limited compared to other members, acting experience he couldn’t quite hide the relief that washed over his face and body at the revelation.

“Why do you wanna know? Worried you’re gonna lose me?” You tease but the words he uttered next made you do a double take his way.

“Yeah, actually- funny you’d say that.” He sighs before looking around the room, “I didn’t invite you just for the tickets, [Name], I-I wanted to tell you something… I like you.”

You feel the blood rushing to your ears and spread through your cheeks, you were sure you were practically heating up the room just from your blushing alone.

“You like me?” You ask him, you were extremely flattered and the thought that a guy like Banri liked you was nice. You liked him, you’ve liked him for a pretty long time but were too afraid to say anything so for him to, after so many years, tell you he liked you was straight out of a shojo manga.

“Yeah, it’s okay if you feel weird, I just wanted to say it, ya’ know?” He avoids your eyes and you quickly piece together the rest. He’d been acting weird, all shy and nervous, his texts were kinda dry, and even when you did meet in the hallway he had been acting off… was it all because he liked you?

“Banri, I- wow, me too,” you stutter, fidgeting with your fingers slightly at his confused face, “I kinda like you too.”

“Ya’ do?” It was his turn to jump from his seat at your words, his heart knocking against his chest as if it were about to explode from the override of emotions he was feeling at your words.

“Yeah, it’s embarrassing,” you laugh, “but I’ve liked you for some time now, I’m surprised you didn’t notice.”

His signature cocky smile is back on his face as soon as you say it and you wish you could take it back so he wouldn’t tease you, but would it really be Banri if he didn’t make fun of you even just a little bit.

“Shoulda’ known, no one can resist me.” He plopped himself next to you and you shove him slightly.

“Yeah, no one can resist you and your bowl cut.”

“You said it looked good!” He glares at you but you know he isn’t angry at all.

“Yeah when we were like 10?” You ruffle his hair, the soft strands gliding through your fingers and Banri is sure that if he had a tail it’d be wagging.

“Ya? Well why d’ya like me if I got a stupid bowl cut?” He grabs your hand and levels himself to look you in the eyes.

“Because you’re smart,” you lean closer and peck his lips, “and cute, even with that shitty hair.”

“You can’t insult me and compliment me like that! You're gonna give me whiplash, geez.” His eyes widen at your actions and he blushes a deep pink, and you do your best to memorize that look knowing it was rare.

“Ew, the NEO delinquent is flirting on our couch,” you both hear a whine from behind you two and you jump startled, “Now we’ve gotta clean it up.”

“We’d appreciate it if you kept the PDA minimal with the kids here, Settsu.” Sakyo glares at the young man, you could almost miss the soft smile as he watched his leader finally look like himself again.

“So, [Name], you two dating or what?” Izumi pokes her head out of her hiding spot, going straight to the point.

“Please, he probably didn’t even give ‘em the tickets.” Juza makes his way through the small crowd and into the kitchen area.

“Yes I did-“

“No you did not.” You correct him, causing the actor to blush even redder at your words.

“Told ya’.”

“Cut it off you guys!” The director scolded everyone in the room, too excited at the newly formed couple to care about much else, “Are you two dating?”

“I think we are.” You look at Banri who looked back at you, his scowling face softening until a smile broke out.

“We are.” He confirms, giving you a kiss on the cheeks with a smile and you feel light on your feet with excitement.

“I should start a match-making agency or something.” Izumi giggles at her comment, proud to finally have helped the young boy.

“With your dating life? Please.” Sakyo laughs at the younger woman.

[clumsyclifford]

hm hi maybe i will officially ask you if you want to hurt me and write a therapy fic. i vote malum but. you do as— no you know what i'm me this is a malum prompt i'm sending you okay love you bye

hiya taylor i hope you realized when you asked for this that it would be angsty as fuck, so i really can’t apologize for uhh writing something angsty as fuck!! BUT with a hopeful ending because we know how i am

tw for suicide ideation, suicidal thoughts, depression

read it here on ao3

-

Michael is winded from the moment they walk onstage.

He’s been all smiles all day. Somewhere he’d heard that smiling was supposed to trigger some kind of happy brain chemical, a creepy fake-it-’til-you-make-it strategy. It has not worked. Michael is exhausted from the effort he’s put into looking like he’s okay. The smile has become a grimace, and he doesn’t have the energy to make it look more realistic. Cameras capture upturned lips and that’s enough to convince them he’s happy, which is the important thing. 

He doesn’t intend to watch those videos when they’re edited together. He can’t even bear to look in the mirror these days. The travesty of him that stares back out with dead eyes only makes him feel worse. At this point he’d doubted whether or not he could actually feel worse.

Standing in front of almost thirty thousand people, it turns out he can. Or at the very least he can feel equally bad in a different way. He’d been drowning before, but he’s choking now. Dying either way. 

If he died onstage, slain where he stood, what would his band do? What would the thousands of fans do? Maybe it would be a mercy. Michael’s a liability right now. He’s frozen in front of thousands of people at the fucking O2 Arena, for fuck’s sake. The band is supposed to be skyrocketing and Michael is a faulty engine, fuel that’s caught fire. If they keep him around they’ll catch fire too, and then they’ll all be free-falling, instead of just him. 

They’d hate him if he died onstage, though. Michael would hate himself too. At the O2, of all places, really? How much more of an attention whore can you be? Couldn’t have waited for a smaller venue to have a heart attack? Or maybe a hotel room? Someplace you could be alone?

Shit. Fuck. The loud cheering has wavered, and all three of his bandmates are giving him concerned looks. Michael fights for breath and finally — for better or for worse — manages to take in the oxygen he’d been missing. And then he forces yet another smile, for his bandmates — but he can’t look at them, can’t see the looks on their faces, not right now — and for the stadium. The sound of screaming doubles in intensity. Michael is already so tired, and they’ve only just started the show.

Luke yells something lead-singer-y and Michael’s hand shakes against the strings of his guitar until he starts playing, closing his eyes for a moment so muscle memory can take over. 

It’s too loud. One way or another, he’ll drown; his lungs aren’t working the way lungs are supposed to, and if they’re not filling with air they might as well fill with water.

Holy shit, he thinks, because he knows enough to know that these are Dangerous Thoughts. But he can’t deal with that right now because they have a show, and after the show he’s fully booked with Pretending He’s Fine from now until forever.

On the opposite side of the stage, Calum catches his eye, and Michael tries to infuse his hollow smile with warmth, sincerity, anything to make that worried expression melt away, but he’s not stupid enough to think it’s worked, even when Calum turns away. Although Calum does turn away, so maybe it means he knows Michael’s lying and just doesn’t care.

You’re in the middle of a show, you fucking idiot, says Michael’s evil subconscious. They’re not going to stop the show in the middle just because you look like you’re seconds from death. You always look like that. 

Right. Right. Michael’s done this to himself. Calum’s not crippled with concern, and he shouldn’t be; he’s Michael’s best friend, not his fucking therapist. Not that Michael has a therapist. Nor does he want one. No random stranger would give a fuck about his bullshit problems, and neither would a random stranger with a PhD.

Fuck. The crowd is getting louder. Is it possible for them to get louder? Or is that all in Michael’s head? Or is everything all in Michael’s head? Are the in-ears keeping the fans’ screams out, or Michael’s screams in? Fuck. Shit. Oxygen is being awfully unreliable today. It’s so loud. Michael closes his eyes again. He knows this song. He’s played this stupid fucking song a thousand times. He could play it in his sleep. He could play it in his casket. That might be what he’s doing right now.

Fuck.

-

Michael is in a constant game with himself, pushing his own limits just to see where he’ll snap. The way he sees it, it’s like exercising a muscle; wherever he breaks, he grows back stronger so he won’t break there again. At this point his threshold is high enough that when he’s feeling particularly masochistic — although when isn’t he — he really has to work for the breakdown. 

It’s a blessing and a curse to be able to handle this much. It means that even when everything is wrong, Michael doesn’t collapse. Which means that he can still play an entire concert at the O2 Arena without having a meltdown, but also that by the time he actually does break, his insides are charred from all the damage control that hasn’t quite succeeded in containing it. 

At least a hotel room is a better place for it than an arena stage.

He can feel it creeping up on him, and he knows it’ll be soon. It won’t take much. There’s already enough wrong as it is. The hotel room is too cold. It’d been nice for a little bit, immediately after the show when he’d been sweaty from the performance, but now it’s making him shiver.

He has sweatshirts, hoodies, blankets. But that would be cheating. Michael stays where he is, sitting at the chair by the window in the tank top he’d played in, staring outside at the sprawling mass of London with all its flickering lights. Sitting by the window is also definitely not helping the temperature situation, but Michael isn’t shying from the crash; he’s trying to induce it. 

Just then, Calum comes out of the bathroom, still towel-drying his hair, and Michael knows what’s next.

Sure enough: “Hey,” the same way one might talk to a baby animal, like if Calum talks too loud he’ll startle it. “You okay?”

Guess, Michael thinks, swallowing. Take a guess. What do you think? “Fine,” he says, because that’s his line. Calum won’t believe it, as well he shouldn’t, since Michael is lying.

“You don’t seem fine,” says Calum. His voice moves around behind Michael as he gets dressed in joggers and a hoodie. “I saw you when we went on to play tonight. You looked like you’d seen a ghost.” There’s a pause. “Like you were a ghost.”

Michael swallows again, and it’s more difficult this time. His eyes sting; his fingers twist anxiously around the hem of his shirt. “That’s a bit dramatic.”

“Well, you didn’t see yourself,” Calum says. 

“Was probably the lights.”

“Don’t be like that, Michael. It’s not like I think you’re okay. I know you’re pretending for the rest of the world, but you don’t have to pretend for me.”

Fuck.

This conversation is not going to be your breaking point, Michael thinks fiercely to himself. Calm down. He inhales raggedly, although it does nothing for his composure. He’s breathing around thorns only by telling himself that they’re roses, and all the while they shred the walls of his lungs, making it more difficult to cling to oxygen when he takes it in.

I’m not pretending, he wants to tell Calum, but he can’t. “Well, you don’t have to worry about me,” he returns. Fuck. His voice sounds shaky and the lights of London are swimming in his vision.

“I don’t worry because I have to,” Calum says. His voice is closer, but before Michael can figure out what he’s doing, he’s taken the seat across from Michael at the window, dropping a flannel into Michael’s lap. “I worry because I love you. You’re shivering.”

Is he? Michael hadn’t noticed. He looks down but he can’t see anything, but if he blinks then the tears will fall and Calum will notice and Michael will have to admit that maybe this is his breaking point and he doesn’t want it to be but he is cold and when he blinks even his eyes feel cold and he quickly looks back at the window and moves his hands on top of the flannel and Calum says, “At least put it on, it’s cold enough in here without wearing a tank top,” and Michael’s throat closes up because however much he can control himself around cameras and crew members and friends and fans, something about Calum makes him completely unravel.

Maybe it’s not that this is his breaking point. Maybe it’s just that this is a safe place to break.

(Maybe it’s a little bit of both.)

So he picks up the flannel and pulls it around his shoulders without putting his arms through the sleeves, and he sniffles and says, “Thanks,” voice all fucked up and wobbly.

“Yeah,” Calum says softly. “What’s on your mind?”

“I’m tired,” Michael whines, and that’s the last he manages before he’s crying like a little kid, tears streaming — it’s been so long since Michael’s cried and he’d forgotten that tears were this relentless, fresh new ones falling now matter how many times Michael tries to squeeze them away — and Calum moves like he’d just been waiting and pulls Michael into a hug, where Michael hides his face and tries to hold his breath because he’s going to die eventually and it will probably happen soon and Michael would at least like to die in Calum’s arms, while he has the chance. But the sobs wracking his body force him to inhale so that plan falls through almost immediately. Because Michael can’t even die right. Fuck.

“Oh, babe,” Calum murmurs. His arms are tight around Michael. “I’m sorry, love, honestly, I’m so sorry.”

Michael can’t stop crying or else he’d say why are you sorry? even though he knows this is more of a sympathetic platitude than anything. Calum does sound sorry but surely he knows it’s not his fault — that this is Michael, all Michael, Michael’s fucked up brain and fucked up self and total inability to get his shit together like everyone else. The more successful the band gets, the worse he feels, and he knows that’s not what’s supposed to happen and he feels even shittier that he’s not being fucking grateful for everything the band is giving him and all the opportunities he has thanks to this, and instead is so stuck in his own fucking head that he’s tallying the passing days like an apocalypse survivor, counting each one he lives through. Or possibly counting down until his death. 

The wrenching sobs slow to nothing. Calum doesn’t try to get Michael to talk, and that itself gets Michael to talk. The silence is worse, and Calum is here, and Calum is safe, and Calum loves Michael. 

“I am not okay,” he mumbles into Calum’s shoulder, which should be a given at this stage, but Calum only squeezes him a little tighter and doesn’t interrupt. “I know that’s a shock.” Calum hums. “I can’t explain why. I don’t know. I just know that this…isn’t how okay people feel.”

“Yeah,” Calum says quietly.

“I don’t know what to do,” Michael says helplessly. “I don’t — I don’t know. But I keep — like — the things I think, you don’t even…you don’t want to know. If you’re worried now, you definitely don’t want to know.”

“I am worried,” Calum says. “But you can tell me if it’ll make you feel better.”

“I don’t want to. It’s not your job to be my therapist.”

“I’m not trying to be your therapist, I’m trying to be your friend.”

“It won’t make me feel better. I’m not going to tell you,” Michael says, though that just means Calum will draw his own conclusions, which might be worse. Not that anything is worse than Michael’s actual thoughts. He adjusts his grip on Calum, tightening his hold. The flannel is falling from around his shoulders, but he doesn’t want to move to pull it up.

“That’s okay.”

“I hate this,” Michael whimpers. It hits him like a hurricane how true that is. “I don’t like this. I don’t want to not be okay. It’s not worth the effort.”

“I know,” Calum says, rubbing circles on Michael’s back.

None of them are okay, truthfully. That’s why Michael can cry on Calum’s shoulder; he knows Calum would cry on his. It’s possible he’s a little worse than the rest of them, but he’s not alone. There’s a twisted comfort in knowing that he doesn’t really have to explain himself to Calum.

“I’m sorry,” he says mournfully.

“Don’t be sorry, you’ve got no reason to be sorry.”

Michael nods, though he’s still sorry. But they won’t get anywhere if Michael’s always apologising. It’ll only serve to annoy Calum, and right now Calum is all Michael has. If the world got any bigger it would crush him, so he keeps it close; it’s only him and Calum and the chill emanating off the window and the flannel dragging against Michael’s back.

Later, when the world expands again, when Michael can bear it, when he’s expelled all the water out of his lungs and stuck plasters over the cracks in his facade to hold himself together, Calum will sit with him on the bed with his laptop open before them and type up a search for virtual therapy despite Michael’s half-hearted protests. Later, Michael will sort himself out a little, Calum by his side to pull him over gaps when Michael’s too much of a coward to step across. Later, much later, a Michael of the future will write about the Michael of the present like he’s a distant memory, using past-tense verbs to make the most tragic sentences into a success story. That Michael is okay, or at least more okay. 

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I really think you’re going to be okay,” Calum whispers into his ear now, pressing a lingering kiss to the curve of his jaw. 

Which doesn’t make anything better in the long run, but certainly doesn’t hurt to hear right now. 

“Thank you,” this Michael sighs, as Calum tugs the flannel back up over Michael’s shoulders. 

“Of course,” Calum says lightly. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Present Michael can’t see past this moment, but as he takes his first deep breath in days, inhaling the familiar scent of Calum and warm from Calum’s embrace, he thinks that if the future were to hold more moments like this one, it might just be worth living through.

[yichens]

am gonna be so bold and ask three characters for the meme:

- nam sunho (my country)

- chacha (jatn)

- hei xiazi (because i wanna hear more about this boy)

have fun 💞

wow ok this was such a delight! i’m so happy you ended up asking for three bc this gives me such amazing variety ;; there are so many characters i love and have loved throughout the years and am happy to take this trip down the memory lane~

(placing under a cut obviously bc three characters at once makes this a damn novel. also, a spoiler warning for my country and sand sea!)

Nam Seonho – My Country: The New Age

How I feel about this character

Oh boy. It’s been a hot minute since I watched My Country, as you know. I still remember how I messed up the beginning and actually skipped the whole first episode, so I think I kind of… Didn’t get to see Nam Seonho being more carefree? Yes, I saw them all in the kite flying scene which still breaks me to this day, but I didn’t see him and Hwi being absolute disasters together (in the funny way). So, because of this, I think my first feelings with him were annoyance and maybe even distaste. I am a bit prejudiced like that. Especially when he got compared to someone like Seo Hwi.

Despite my first thoughts about him, Nam Seonho very quickly grew on me. I hated to see him make all those mistakes and bad choices just because he had decided that all the people he loved hating him was easier than letting go of his own wish for revenge. He was a very complicated character because of this, and I very much enjoyed that conflict within him. He tried very hard to be bad and cruel and horrible (and succeeded to some length) but underneath, he was still kind and loving and just so very, very hurt. I understood his wish to avenge his mother. I understood his hate towards his father (as we both did, that man can burn in hell). I understood why he chose to do all those things he did and still wish he didn’t have to. That there had been another way. That he could’ve trusted Hwi and work with him instead of taking this lonely path by himself. But then again, I know they both were fighting against powers that were bigger than them, against powers they wanted to protect the other from, and there were many occasions where they didn’t have any other choice but to take the worst option out of all the bad options available. My Country broke my heart with that and I still can’t be mad at it because it made all those punches so perfectly.  

Simply put: I love him, but I also hate him. I am angry at him for doing all these things, for being so damn selfish, but I understand why. He is good underneath all the bad. He is so broken underneath all that grace. He deserves to think more highly of himself, and I wish he could’ve regarded himself as someone to be loved instead of someone to be left behind. He has done horrible things, some of those for solely his own benefit, but I think he still deserves forgiveness in the end. He is dear to me and watching him grow and get at least some brief glimpses of happiness made my heart swell.  

All the people I ship romantically with this character

There is none other than Hwi. I can’t really ship Seonho to anyone else despite the drama trying that very badly. I never felt he would’ve worked with Hui Jae and his thing with Yeon also felt more like a bond between siblings. I also know he had a strong bond with his… second in command? Companion who he saved? Frenemy?? Sungrok but I felt like that didn’t go over there either. And hey, why change something that works? He and Hwi were meant to be, somehow. I can see it as something one sided and painful and breaking and desperate, something fragile that was never made to exist, but I can see it as something reciprocated too, something discovered and learned and gently blooming. They could work either way, either Hwi never learning about Seonho’s deeper feelings and just going away with Hui Jae, or them colliding in the middle of everything and deciding they can’t let go. It’s canon anyway that they were bonded from the beginning. I can’t remember any exact lines from the drama, but they kept saying that they were tied and I think it really works no matter what the feelings between them are.  

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Oh boy. Seonho didn’t really make that many friends throughout the drama because he just kept pushing people away and being a dick, but I did adore how he came to trust and care about Sungrok. They started off as enemies, Sungrok just threatening to kill Seonho any chance he got and Seonho giving back the same amount, but then they just slowly bonded? And Sungrok came to admire Seonho, and then, in the end, sacrificed a lot for him. They worked, and I was happy that Seonho had at least someone by his side. That he allowed that for himself. Also, I just enjoyed some of their banter a lot because Sungrok really gave Seonho some reality checks out there which he needed, that idiot. And the death scene still haunts me to this day, okay. Seonho after such a loss, once again, was just… So horrible to watch. He lost so much and gained so little. It was cruel that he had to lose his only self made friend too.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I have no idea what people think about Nam Seonho in general? I think my love for him is already an unpopular opinion :’D That I’m willing to understand him and forgive him might already feel strange to some. He just… We’ve gone through this, right? I have a type when it comes to characters I love and relate to. It’s angry, annoying, and broken. Nam Seonho is all three and that’s why he just makes my heart ache. He is loved despite his flaws. Hwi cares about him despite all the wrongs he’s done. He is, in some sense, still redeemable and deserving of better things.

I don’t know what else to say about him? There might be more if I remembered more of the drama in general. It’s just been a long while and I’ve basically relieved all of that through fics alone. Which we have too little of. I am so sad. They would deserve many, many words written about them sigh. Maybe one day I could rewatch this heartbreak fest too, right? Would you join me if I did?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

As I said, I don’t really remember all the twists and things that got said or done in that show. I feel like it was very much complete. At least nothing has bothered me enough to remain in my mind. Of course, I wish the ending was different and that they were given proper happiness but I am not mad about that ending. It worked. It was some type of peace for them. Seonho figured out his most important thing in the world, his reason to live at all, and then got to die in Hwi’s arms. I don’t think there’s anything better for him, knowing who he is and what he’s done. I don’t know if either of them could’ve lived on with all the burden they would’ve had to carry after their life choices. So, I very much have to say that there is nothing I would change. Maybe if I rewatched I would think differently but for now, this is all I have.

Zhang Chacha – The Journey Across the Night

How I feel about this character

The first feeling I have for Chacha is happiness. She just made me so deeply happy all the time when I saw her in JAtN, with all of her craziness and flirting and smiles and adorable expressions. She was a delight and I adore her.

Another feeling (or feelings) would be warmth and fondness. She was so very real in that drama. She was very human. I loved how strong she was, how strongly she reacted to everything and how demanding she was with other people. She knew what she deserved from others and treated others the same way she wanted them to treat her. She was complicated but in a very loving way. She made me cry so much. She was so unafraid and so trusting despite getting her trust betrayed. She was so accepting. She was just… Everything. I can’t even give words for how amazing she was.

One strong feeling I have for her is also pride. She has gone through so much, since she was very young, and still, she manages to stand there. Still, she manages to smile and laugh and be very open with people (even if she hides certain parts very carefully). I loved that about her, how there was this balance between things she wished to tell and things she didn’t want to talk about. She had somehow found this perfect line to her intimacy with people. And then it was amazing to follow how she slowly redrew those lines with Shi Cheng and Li Jia. Those two of course had to push a bit, came a bit too close for her comfort, but in the end, she learned to trust them with her secrets. She learned that these people don’t change their opinion of her just because of her mother. It was amazing to follow the main trio’s joined growing process. And Chacha somehow felt like she was the most competent out of all of them, Li Jia probably falling to the bottom instead and Shi Cheng hanging somewhere in between, but it was somehow so comforting to watch her stumble too. To find herself again. To reach outside of the lines she had come to know within her life. (And because of all of this growth, I can’t even put to words how much I love JAtN.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

You pretty much know this already but Li Jia of course. And then Shi Cheng (or A-Cheng I guess?) too because I am still mesmerized with the thought of having them become a trio. They would work so well like that. They balance each other out. They’re such a mess but they ground each other in this messy world. Everything is simple when it’s the three of them and I adore that for them. They would love each other so well. They would be so happy and would continue to grow. Also, I just love it how different Chacha’s relationship with both of the boys is because that leaves such interesting options for their romance.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

To be honest, the main trio falls in here too. I adore them as friends, first and foremost. They just work so well like that! I love how they keep helping each other when it comes to understanding all of them. I love the friendship between A-Cheng and Chacha because they bicker, but they are so supportive of each other too. A-Cheng would fight the whole world for Chacha. Chacha would punch A-Cheng in the face when he needs a reality check. They love Li Jia so fiercely, both of them, and Li Jia loves them back the same amount. It’s wonderful to watch.

Another one is Sharp. Their friendship is just so soft. They have grown up together and Sharp is like an older brother and a dad to Chacha and I love that for them. And then Chacha is this huge support and help to Sharp too, his closest connection amongst people. Chacha is so protective of him. She takes zero shit when it comes to the people she loves because it doesn’t matter to her who they are and how society sees them. And just. I don’t even know what to say about Chacha and Sharp. I loved how they understood each other even without any words and then did all these random things instead. The stairs jumping thing was so amazing and broke me so badly. They showed how deeply certain people can affect who you become in the future. It’s a relationship I wish I had for myself.

My unpopular opinion about this character

Oh no. To be honest, I don’t know if I have anything but love for Chacha. She is one of those very few female characters I actually like. One of the few I can even relate to, on some level. She was well written. She felt consistent and fleshed out. She had complexity and her own character outside of the romance which is usually the part that irks me if it’s not handled well. She was not just “the girl”, she was her own self and had her own story to tell and her own problems and her own flaws and decisions and mind. She was good. I have nothing else to say.  

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

God I can’t say this here because you haven’t finished the drama yet :’D I don’t want to spoil anything. Come ask me about it once you’re finished okay?

Hei Xiazi - Daomu Biji

How I feel about this character

Wow I feel like I come here to dig out my heart to present all these thoughts to you. But I don’t complain. Hei Xiazi, Hei Yanjing, Hei-ye – he’s an enigma, okay. I am not sure how to grasp him. He gives me different feelings in every adaptation where I see him, a little like Pangzi who I talked about while answering the other asks. But for Hei Xiazi, it’s also a bit different? He fits so differently into every story. So let me try to unpack all of that.

In Reboot, Hei Xiazi gets probably the biggest role between all the three adaptations I count him as part of (in Explore With the Note we see him maybe thrice and that doesn’t give much to think about so I exclude that. Though I love it how obviously he flirts with Xiao Hua even there lol). He was this funky secret agent type of guy there. He went to places and did stuff and fought people and maybe exploded something. He had his own romance story going on in that one and it, surprisingly enough, made me emotional. It intrigued me because Hei Xiazi is this deep mystery no one seems to know (not even NPSS probably) and Chuchu was slowly figuring him out? I liked that. I liked seeing that soft side of him and maybe the most serious side we ever get to see of him? It was kind of amusing how lost he was before that young woman.

My second meeting with him was in Sand Sea. I wasn’t that sure about the actor in that one, but he managed to give Hei Xiazi this very… Dramatic feeling? After Reboot’s epicness and somewhat lightness on his part, it was kind of a shock how shabby and gruesome and almost cruel he could be. Sand Sea in general seems to bring out darker sides of all the main characters, so maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised, but that still shocked me. Hei Yanjing being cynical! And snarky! And almost evil! He felt so cold in that one. I started to realize that he also has all these burdens to carry. That he also has pains we don’t know about. That he has all this past hurt we aren’t privy to. It made me want to wiggle my fingers inside the tiny cracks I could see in him (especially through his relationship with Su Wan) and pry him apart. He fascinated me but unfortunately, was left to the shadows at the end.

And then Ultimate Note happened! And I was so cynical about how he looked, how Liu Yuning made him look, that I wasn’t sure how seriously I could take him. I was so prepared to like him less than I had because Reboot’s version still felt like the best one. But, surprise surprise, I came to love him. I adore Liu Yuning’s version of him because he’s just so silly and confident and unapologetic and doesn’t really care what others think about him when he can survive without them anyway. I was a bit horrified with the strong humor aspect they gave him with his money craziness but that also worked in the end? I grew so fond of him. 

So, my feelings for him are a mess and go in many directions but I do like him as a character. I love it that Xiaoge has this other immortal around himself who is so different. I love it that he is a complete mystery (and so I can put my hands on him as I wish). I love it that he’s full of these cracky jokes. I love how cool he is but how he also manages to be the most uncool person out there. Maybe that’s his charm. (All the leather totally isn’t the other charming thing about him, nope.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Oh boy. Like I said, I did enjoy him with Chuchu in Reboot. They worked in some sense, or at least it was kind of interesting to follow their very… random romance? Hei Xiazi really was so lost with her and it was so amusing when usually he’s so sure of himself. It was puppy love and never led anywhere but it was sweet nonetheless. 

But then? After Ultimate Note? Is there anything else but Heihua? Not really. I like those two together because they’re such polar opposites but somehow manage to complete each other. For Hei Xiazi, Xiao Hua is someone who is his match and won’t fall behind no matter where he goes (that is his biggest concern when it comes to Chuchu who is just a normal person and not a tomb robber). Who he can tease without worrying about crossing some type of line. Who understands secrets and not being able to talk about certain things. Who understands death and loss and pain. And for Xiao Hua, Hei Xiazi is someone who will take him as he is. Who doesn’t care that he’s the head of one of the Mystic Nine families. Who allows him to be his cynical and calculative and neat freak self. Who makes him smile. They’re amazing. I hope we can watch Ultimate Note together at some point and you can see them being chaotic gays together :’D

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Ah, I feel like Hei Xiazi is very similar to Pangzi when it comes to this too because he just knows everybody. He’s just worked with so many people throughout the years that he has connections everywhere. And I don’t even know how tight those connections are in reality? He feels a bit like a ghost, just drifting in and out of people’s lives. He doesn’t stay. He doesn’t have anything permanent to come back to. He just does his job to whoever is paying him the most and then moves on. It makes me kind of sad but also suits him. 

But from what I’ve seen him now, I have some relationships I love to see him in. The first one is with the Iron Triangle because he feels like this silly uncle, especially to Wu Xie? One more uncle for that boy haha. Then with Pangzi they are really very similar and get along great because of that (Reboot is a delight with this). And with Xiaoge it’s just so funny to see him continue his joking XD He’s the only one who I know can tease Xiaoge and get away with it. They are some type of friends? I’m not sure if they know their relationship even themselves but it warms my heart.

Then there’s him with Su Wan! I was very doubtful about that relationship once I first heard about it. Su Wan is such a soft and gentle and naive boy, I couldn’t imagine him being with someone like Hei Yanjing. But wow, they work so well? Su Wan adores his Hei-ye. He just wants to make his master proud! And even if Hei Xiazi is very annoyed by Su Wan and cynical about him at first, Su Wan really surprises him. He’s very smart and capable and learns quickly. He clicks with Hei Xiazi and somehow ends up honing some of his sharper edges, especially after all the darkness he’s obviously met before the events of Sand Sea (man has been stuck on a desert for ages?? No wonder he’s a bit done with everything). It’s so cool :o Probably the best duo if I consider all the parent/guardian/teacher relationships our boys acquire in Sand Sea (Yang Hao and Huo Daofu are such a shit show and then Li Cu and Wu Xie are just way too questionable and in need of so much therapy oh boy). I love them. I’m so excited to write about them :’D

My unpopular opinion about this character

As always, I have no idea what opinions there are regarding Hei Xiazi. I don’t think I have even given him so much thought that I would be able to give any opinions. I am still just euphoric about the fact that I’ve come to love him. I’m so happy Liu Yuning loves him too. He’s a secret I’m keen on solving. He’s cool. I hope there was more content about him. I am so excited about my standees!!! Sorry, I really don’t have much to say here haha

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

If I could get one thing (because let’s be honest, at this point I would love a whole side series for Hei Yanjing because I am just so intrigued), that would be more of him in Sand Sea. Especially at the end of it? Because after falling for Heihua, I just keep thinking about that brief glance and nod he and Xiao Hua share across their battlefield. They never talk there and I wish they did. I wish I could see that. I wish I could hear Hei Xiazi talking about Xiao Hua’s damn fake funeral with him. They have a bond between them, I wish we could see more of it! But for now, I guess I need to make do with writing that myself hmph

thank you so much for sending me this ask! i’m sorry it took a while to answer but you know me the best so i’m sure you will forgive me. i had fun and i hope you enjoyed reading all of this ^^ ♥ 

[thelawsofdaylight]

tête-à-tête

For @cosette-appreciation-week!  This takes place during the chapters that follow Valjean adopting Cosette when they’re living in the Gorbeau house, specifically between 2.4.4 and 2.4.5. Obviously we’re dealing with Cosette who has only been free from the Thenardiers for a couple of months at this point, so here is your content warning for references to past child abuse.

It’d been a few months since their arrival in Paris and Cosette was as happy as she could ever remember being. The man she’d come to call her father never made her clean or sweep or fetch water when it was cold outside. He never hit her or raised his voice or made her sleep on the floor. The absence of these behaviours was all it took to endear him to her, and she woke each day with a warmth in her heart and a song on her lips.

How lovely it was to wake up and not be made to sweep floors! Sometimes she would wake up and reach for her broom before remembering it was no longer necessary, and the shock of it would force her to sit back down. Once recovered, her newfound joy would then return, as she realised she was free to do whatever she pleased. She was not made to work and thus could devote all her time to Catherine, who spent every moment by her side and was Cosette’s greatest friend in the world.

When her father woke, he would always prepare them a large breakfast- larger than Cosette was used to and which she still struggled to eat, but which succeeded in filling her stomach. She was growing used to eating more and more, and she was beginning to forget what it was to go hungry.

They were enjoying such a breakfast one morning towards the end of Winter when her father spoke.

“Cosette,” his voice, by now familiar and well-loved, had been soft, “I am going out alone this evening. Mme. Bougon will watch you.”

Cosette had been disappointed to hear the news; she liked the walks with her father when it had grown dark, for they formed her only glimpses of the city she now called her home. She didn’t know much about Paris other than what she had observed on their walks together, and the trips had become her favourite part of the day. Although he took her with him most nights, there were some nights they didn’t go at all, and even rarer still, nights when he left on his own. Tonight was, apparently, to be one of those rarer nights.

After breakfast her father had read to her, and she’d practised her handwriting, repeating the lesson to Catherine afterwards. Cosette enjoyed being taught, but she especially loved to teach. Hours later, she was still engaged in the process of showing Catherine the alphabet when her father stood up to leave.

“I will be back soon,” he told Cosette, lifting her hand in his as he prepared to leave. Cosette had learnt not to flinch away from the contact and instead squeezed his hand back as she bid him goodbye.

There was always a distant fear in her whenever she watched her father’s retreating figure out of their small window. Fear that he would forget to return, or be hurt on his walk. Fear that she would be alone again with only the nosy old lady from downstairs for company. Fear that Madame would return before her father and snatch her back to the inn.

Cosette shivered, even though she was perfectly warm in her new clothes. She went back to Catherine at the side of the room, for the doll had always provided her with comfort. From those strange first days when she wasn’t sure what to make of the man who had taken her away to Paris, it had been easy to take Catherine in her arms and remind herself that it was he who had gifted her to Cosette, that his kindness meant he wouldn’t harm her.

It unsettled her to hear their rooms so quiet, and so she began to speak to Catherine, as she often did when alone. Her voice was quiet, barely a whisper, but it made the silence more bearable. Catherine was a brilliant conversational partner.

This was how she occupied herself for the hour or so it took for her father to return. She had just decided to take up reading one of the books her father had given her for use in their lessons when there was a familiar knock at the door.

“Father!” she jumped up, running over as the door swung open to reveal his figure. “You’re back!”

“Of course.”

“You were gone for so long this time! We were getting worried!”

Her father smiled down at her. “I am back now, Cosette.”

“Good!” Cosette pronounced, running back and returning to her book. Maybe if she asked, he would read to her again. Cosette could read, but she still struggled putting the words together and it was much nicer when her father read them out for her, his voice making the lines easier to understand. She smiled, the plan forming. Yes, she would ask him to read to her and he would say yes and they could pass the evening nicely inside.

But her father was not in the room anymore when Cosette looked up. “Father?” she asked, craning her neck round into the small room opposite her own.

Her father didn’t look up when she entered and Cosette frowned. “Father?” she asked again. “What is the matter?”

His head snapped up, as if only then becoming aware of her presence. “Cosette,” he muttered softly. “Nothing is the matter. You should be in bed.”

“Bed!” she exclaimed, as if the idea were reprehensible. “We haven’t yet eaten, it can’t be time for bed!”

As soon as the words had left her tongue she bit it. Those same words, uttered only a few months prior, would have gotten her a beating. Cosette looked down, feeling shame wash over her as tears prickled her eyes.

Her father said nothing. When Cosette looked back up he was staring vacantly ahead, as if he was looking past her. “Of course,” he muttered softly.

He stood. Cosette flinched away automatically, but he did not come towards her. Instead, he walked around her, retrieving some bread and cheese from a bag. Cosette watched as he brought plates down and set their modest table.

“Come,” he said softly. “Let’s eat.”

Cosette did as she was bid, feeling silly at her actions and disliking the sad look that had taken residence in her father’s eyes. He seemed distracted by something and Cosette couldn’t think what. She hoped it wasn’t anything to do with her or why she hadn’t been permitted to accompany him on his walk.

They said grace and ate in silence, the table devoid of the usual chatter she had come to expect from mealtimes. Once she could eat no more Cosette excused herself, hoping to execute her earlier plan of getting her father to read for her. When she returned, the table was cleared of plates but her father still sat there, head in his hands.

Cosette wilted. She was perceptive by nature, and she knew something to be wrong. She had observed it many times when Monsieur had deemed himself cheated by a customer or when Madame had been unsatisfied with her cleaning. Her father never responded as they did, with blows and insults, but he did get quiet when something was troubling him. He didn’t tell Cosette of his problems when she asked, and so she didn’t know what it was he worried about, but she knew they must be grave fears to be troubling him so. These occasional moods didn’t instil fear in her the way that they would have if it were Madame she was dealing with, but she didn’t much like them either. She preferred her father when he was smiling his kind smile and telling her stories before bed.

Abandoning her plan to ask him to read to her, Cosette instead went and fetched Catherine. “We are going to cheer up father,” she whispered to the doll.

Cosette took Catherine to a spot on the floor from which she had full view of the table and began to laugh loudly, as if Catherine had just told her a hilarious joke. Cosette whispered back hurriedly and leant down to hear another joke, giggling after a short pause. She often had such conversations with Catherine, though most were far more private. Privacy, however, was quite beside the point on this occasion.

Cosette continued in this vein for a half-hour, glancing up every few minutes to observe her father’s reaction. He had stopped staring at the table and now watched her, though his gaze always slid away when she looked up. Cosette smiled to herself, before laughing once more at another joke.

It was the simple logic of a child; her father always seemed happiest when she was happy, and therefore Cosette endeavoured to be as happy as possible in an attempt to bring back his smile.

“Really?” she asked the doll a few minutes later, raising her voice above a whisper. She glanced back at her father, who was staring back, bemused. “Yes,” Cosette said to Catherine. “It is a good idea.”

She then turned to face him. “Father,” she called, “would you like to join us? Catherine is telling such wonderful stories.”

Her father stared back, puzzlement clear on his expression. “I would not want to intrude on your tête-à-tête,” he said politely.

Cosette huffed. “You will not,” she declared, gesturing to Catherine as proof. “Catherine has asked me to tell you the story she just told me.”

Her father smiled, just slightly. It was a wonderful thing to see and Cosette felt that familiar warmth in her chest light up again. “Well,” he said slowly, “then I suppose I must.”

Cosette nodded, satisfied as her father joined her and Catherine on the floor. She told him the story, which was really just the book she and Catherine had been reading earlier, detailing the adventures of the characters within. Her father smiled as she spoke, his eyes flitting between her and Catherine as the tale went on. Cosette was pleased.

Eventually, her recount faltered, for she had not yet read the ending of the story. Of course, not wanting to lose her progress in restoring her father’s happiness, she continued on, trying to imagine how the story would end and telling it as if it were truth.

Her father noticed when she began to struggle, however. “Did Catherine tell you how the story ends?” he asked when she paused for breath.

Cosette hesitated. “No,” she admitted softly.

Her father smiled, warm and bright. “Shall we see if we can figure it out? Maybe there’s a book around here that could help us…”

Cosette beamed, then leaned towards Catherine, cupping her ear to the doll’s mouth. “She says there is,” she reported back. “She says that’s where she got the story from.”

“Does she know where the rest of the story is?”

Cosette consulted Catherine again, nodding throughout the exchange. “She does.”

And with that, Cosette went to fetch the previously abandoned book. Her father smiled when she brought it over and she settled into his lap as he opened it at her bookmark, Catherine safely in her arms as he began to read.

Soon, Cosette began to grow tired. Having brought her father out of his darkness, she was able to rest easier, her previous state of contentment returning to her as she listened to his soft words. There was no longer a hardness in his eyes, no longer a sadness in the set of his shoulders. He rocked her gently as he read and Cosette yawned, her eyes drifting shut as she clutched Catherine tighter. Her father was happy once more, and therefore so was she.

It was like this that Cosette fell asleep, safe and happy and loved.

[bugoverlord]

5 times kuroo couldn’t help kenma, and one where he didn't need to///kuroken

1-

Kenma falls to the ground. His wobbly legs give out after running so far and fast. He breathes heavy as he collects himself again. He looks behind him quickly to find that he was not being chased anymore. 

He hates the other kids. He hates how they don’t like him or his hair or his shyness. He wishes that they would just leave him alone for once instead of harassing him every chance they get. 

Kenma is nine years old and in the second grade when the other kids decide to start trying to get Kenma to open up in the worst way possible. First it started with fake-but-polite smiles in his direction during lunch, but when they realized he wasn’t going to smile back or even look them in the eye, they got mean. They tripped him and pushed him. They would yell and make fun of his hair and voice and clothes. 

Thats why he found himself on the sidewalk, blocks away from school after trying and succeeding to outrun the bullies.

His eyes tear up and his throat heaves a dry sob. He started crying even more when he realizes in the midst of running away, that he forgot his backpack. He knew that his mom would get mad and he knew that if he went back to get it, he would just get hurt even more. So, he stayed on the sidewalk helpless crying at his scraped knee and hurt feelings.

He hears a quiet “Kenma!”, coming from behind him. He sees Kuroo, his best friend and the only person that has ever decided to stay with him voluntarily. He has a concerned look on his face as he draws nearer. 

“Kenma.. did the other kids hurt you again?” He asks.

Kenma nods shakily, trying to get up from the ground. 

Kuroo frowns and shakes his head, obviously angry.

“Well, I knew that you had gone somewhere because when I went to your class after school today you weren’t there but your bag was, and I knew you would never leave your bag unattended with your PSP inside so I went and tried to find you, but you weren't anywhere on school property and I got scared so I ran out of school and-” Kuroo says, his words slightly slurring together as he tries to say all of it in only a few breaths. 

“I’m ok.” Kenma says and interrupts Kuroo. His words are slightly wavering but he puts on a brave face and reaches for his bag from Kuroo's hands. Once he has the bag in his hand he just reaches inside and pulls out his PSP and turns it on. He’s already turned around when he says “Let’s just go home.” and starts walking.

2- (S*LF H*RM TW)

Kenma is on his bed playing a video game when Kuroo bursts through the door. 

“Hey Kenma! I brought Mario Kart!” 

Kenma smiles slightly and scoots to the side on his bed, a clear invitation to have Kuroo sit beside him. Kuroo sits down and sets up the game for two players. Kenma quickly pulls his long sleeves back down his arms when Kuroo isn’t looking, and saves and shuts down the hand-held game he was playing. 

He returns his attention back on Mario Kart as he gets ready to play the game. 

They play about ten rounds before Kuroo decides he’s had enough of being beaten by Kenma. “This isn’t fair! You know everything about this game! How the hell am I supposed to beat that?” 

Kenma grins wolfishly before setting the controller down and shutting the game off for both of them. While he does this, he says “It’s not my fault you’re terrible at video games.” Kuroo gasps, offended and punches Kenma in the arm.

They both laugh and pull out their homework that they got during the day. Kenma is currently in his second year of middle school, while Kuroo is in his third. 

They work silently, only making noise when asking about a question or complaining about the amount of work the have each been given.

Kenma huffs. He doesn't get this assignment at all. 

“Hey kuro, can you help me?”

Kuroo turns towards Kenma and looks at the page that Kenma has laid in front of him.

“Oh! I remember doing this! So basically..” Kuroo starts but he trails off as he looks at Kenma.

Specifically his arms.

When Kenma realizes this his face turns red and he pulls down his sleeves quickly. He must’ve pulled them up subconsciously while focusing on his work.

“Actually I’m okay I can do it later.” Kenma tries to grab the paper from where Kuroo has placed it under his hands but Kuroo won’t let him.

“Kenma.. where did those cuts come from?” Kenma freezes and doesn’t respond. How could he respond to something like that without being suspicious?

“Kenma. Give me your arm.” Kuroo says, and Kenma can tell that this isn’t a request.

He shakes his head and tucks his arms to his chest, trying to fold into himself so he won’t have to deal with Kuroo’s questions.

“Kenma.” Kuroo says as he grabs at Kenma’s tucked away arms. Kuroo struggles a bit before he latches onto Kenma’s left arm and pulls up the sleeve.

Along Kenma’s forearm are horizontal cuts that are littered everywhere from his wrists to the fold of his elbow. Some clearly new and some light pink and old.

Kenma tries to pull back his arm but Kuroo’s grip won’t let up.

“Did you do this to yourself?” Kuroo asks, concerned. After a few seconds of hesitation Kenma nods slowly. 

Kuroo’s expression turns into horror as he stares back down at Kenma’s cuts. 

“Why?” 

“It just got too much and I didn’t know what to do,” Kenma starts, his face scrunching up tightly while tears start to stream down his face. His breathing gets harsher but he continues, “I’m sorry I won’t do it again, I promise. Please let go Kuroo. I didn’t mean to I promise, It just got to much and I didn’t know how to deal with it I’m sorry-”

Kuroo lets his grip loosen but as soon as Kenma pulls his arm back he throws his arms around the setter. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you Kenma. I love you so much please stop doing this to yourself. I don’t know what I would do if you were gone, Kenma. Please promise me that you won’t do this again.” Kuroo says, his words muffled in Kenma's neck. 

Kenma can feel Kuroo’s tears on his skin so he puts his arms around Kuro, trying to comfort the other boy more than himself.

“I promise. I love you too.”

3-

Kenma picks up another ball and puts it on top of the pile in his arms. 

“Kozume-kun! Pick up the rest of the balls in the gym for your Senpais!” One of the third years of Nekoma high shouts at him.

This surprises him so much that he drops the three balls that were balancing in his arms. He frowns when he hears laughing coming from behind him.

He starts to pick the balls back up but he pauses when he hears whispers.

“God, look at him, he’s so pathetic.”

“He’s so easy to push around, I wonder why the rooster-head doesn’t use that to his advantage.” “It’s probably because he takes pity on him, I mean, look at the kid! He looks scared of his own shadow.”

His eyes fill with tears and he stubbornly blinks them away and continues to pick up the rest of the balls on the gym floor. Once he puts all of them back into the basket and gets ready to leave, another third year shouts at him again. 

“Oh, Kozume-kun, I forgot to tell you, it’s our turn to mop the floor tonight!” 

The group of third years leave after that, and Kenma breaths in harshly before mumbling under his breath “yeah, just like it was yesterday and the day before,,,”

He goes to the supply closet and brings out the floor cleaner. As he starts mopping up the floor, he hears shoes squeaking near the door. When he turns to look however, he sees Kuro standing there instead of the third year bully he expected.

Kuroo frowns when he sees what Kenma is doing and walks over to him. He takes the mop from his hand and drags the cleaning supplies back into the supply closet.

“You know you could say no to the third-years once in a while.” Kuroo says.

“We both know that they wouldn’t let me out of the work no matter how many times I say no. And even if they did, they would get back at me for it, later.” Kenma says softly, looking down at his shoes.

“You should have told me.”

“Told you what? That the third years are making me do some extra cleaning? That they’re making me run more than the others? What good would that do? It wouldn’t change how they treat me and you know it.” 

Kuroo sighs and brings his arms up and around Kenma’s shoulders.

“I just wish I could do something. I wish they would leave you alone so you can really enjoy volleyball this year.” Kuroo says nuzzling the top of Kenma's head.

“yeah.” Kenma quietly agrees. 

Kuroo pulls back from the hug and looks at Kenma's face. He leans down a few inches, and plants his mouth on Kenma’s. It lingers for a few second before he pulls away and pulls Kenma back into his arms. This isn’t a new experience for either of them. They have been sharing kisses since the year prior when they both admitted that they had feelings for each other.

They stand there hugging in the gym until a teacher comes into the gym and yells at them for staying too late into the night.

4-

Kenma is sitting in the corner of his room at ‘his’ 17th birthday party. 

It doesn’t feel like his, it feels like an excuse for his parents to invite family and family friends to their house. 

His eyes prickle with tears and he covers his mouth as the sobs start pouring out of him. He can’t control them anymore. The people here and the loudness of everything is getting to him.

He can feel his breathing growing ragged as he tries to control his panic, but knowing that there are at least 20 people in his house mingling right now fills him with unexplainable dread and anxiety.

the only person that he actually wanted here was Kuroo, and he is here, but he got dragged away by Kenma’s parents as soon as he stepped through the door and Kenma hasn’t see him since.

While he’s trying to calm himself down he doesn’t hear the door to his bedroom open and close softly. 

When he’s finally noticed the legs in front of him and looks up, he sees Kuroo with a sad smile on his face looking down at him.

“Hey kitten. Happy birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t say that earlier but you know how your parents are.” Kuro puts his hand out for Kenma and Kenma gratefully takes it. Kuroo pulls both of them onto the bed, and guides Kenma down to his chest.

“I’m sorry that you aren’t enjoying yourself, babe. I wish I could kick all of the people out and just kiss you senseless for a while.” Kuroo says, rubbing hand up and down Kenma’s back.

Kenma nods against his chest and closes his eyes. His breathing has evened out again and the tears eventually stop coming. Even thought he can still hear the people around the house, the voices have quieted. 

Kuroo brings Kenma up to his face and brushes a piece of hair out of his face.

“You are so pretty Kenma.”

Kenma’s face scrunches up in embarrassment and turns red.

“Shut up.” Despite the words, there is no vicious tone in his voice and Kuroo knows that he’s just flustered.

Kuroo brings their faces closer together and says “Happy Birthday, Kenma.” Before kissing him.

5-

“Hello?”

“Kuroo?” Kenma says, sounding nasally and emotional, like he’s been crying.

“Yeah it’s me. You alright?” Kuroo replies already feeling worried for Kenma.

“No.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“You made a mistake.” Kenma says, voice wavering. “I shouldn’t be captain. They don’t listen to me no matter how loud I try to be. The first years are constantly yelling and jumping around and nothing ever gets done. I can’t do this anymore. I have to quit.”

“Kenma, they aren’t doing this on purpose believe me i’ve-”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be a failure Kuro! You were always the perfect captain, able to fix anyones problems with just a stupid speech. I don’t have any talent in volleyball and everyone is finally realizing it after I can't hide behind you.” Kenma says aggressively.

“Kenma. You are so talented. You are one of the best setters I know-” Kenma snorts through the phone. “I’m serious. You don’t have the best technique i’ve ever seen, but you see so much. You can come up with the best strategies when you put your mind to it.” Kuroo says.

“I know how tough it can be to get younger players in line, but believe me, when you finally see their full potential and put it all together, you can create a well-oiled-machine. Please just keep trying. For me.”

“I- I just don’t know what to do.” Kenma says after a moment of silence. “How do you get them to listen?”

“Be calm and keep your head. Try to be as authoritative as you can be, and try to show them some cool plays. That always gets them excited.” Kuroo responds.

They both laugh quietly.

“Thank you, Tetsurou.” Kenma says, sounding a lot more calm.

“Anytime, Kitten.” Kuroo responds. “Feel free to call me whenever you need advice. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

1+

“Hello, welcome to Arcadia.” Kenma says from behind the counter. This job is his favorite one he’s had so far, not because of the customers, but because of the games that are around the store. 

The customer that came through the door nods her head and starts walking around the small store. 

Kuro comes out of the back holding his bag and some headphones.

“I’ll see you at home, my shifts over for today.” Kenma nods and Kuroo gives one of his small genuine smiles.

While Kuroo is saying goodbye and getting the rest of his things, the young girl that came in just a few minutes earlier comes up to the counter.

She smiles shyly and tucks her hair behind her ears while Kenma rings her up. He doesn't pay any mind and just says “Your total comes up to $12.04.” She nods and pulls out her wallet. After she has paid for her game, she says “Um- can we- I mean- do you want to go out for lunch some time?” 

Kenma’s eyes widen. Kuro is standing behind him ready to say something when kenma kicks him under the counter lightly.

“No thanks. Sorry though. Your pretty and all but I’m taken.” kenma says with a bored look on his face. She looks suprised and says “By who?”

“The guy behind me.”

Her face falls into an embarrassed smile and she quickly bows and basically runs out of the shop.

They both let out relieved sighs they didn't realize they were keeping in, and looked at each other before breaking out into small chuckles.

“Wow, I’m surprised at how good you handled that. If we were still in high school you would have turned red and started stammering or something. I guess my shy little Kenma is long gone now.” Kuroo says teasingly as he packs the last of his things from the store.

“Yeah, yeah. Go away.” Kenma says with a red flush on his faced at being teased. Kuroo smirks and pulls Kenma’s face in for a goodbye kiss before leaving. 

“See you at home.” Kuroo says.

“Yeah, see you.”

-END-

WOOO that probably the longest fic i’ve posted on here haha! Hope u enjoy my shitty writing!

[artificialqueens]

The Birthday Party (Diamond Chaney) - Ortega

fic summary: Ellie spends the night of her birthday crying over a girl that doesn’t like her back. Lawrence will consider the evening a success if she can comfort her without her own heart shattering in the process.

a/n: this one goes out to the anon on my blog that asked me “after rereading freshers au about 3 million times I must ask… are we getting a chapter about Ellie’s 18th birthday party? I’m just thinking about the unrequited crushing/diamond Chaney potential”. apparently i am unable to say no to any anon that comes to me asking for more diamond chaney content, nor am i able to name any of these fics after anything other than 1975 song titles. hope u all enjoy!

***

It’s an image that could hang in the Louvre but it’s one that breaks her heart.

Ellie is sitting on a red brick wall with her legs dangling off it, pale and bare except from a couple of bruises where she’s banged them off the flat’s furniture. The grass on the raised ground behind her is wet and cold, shining under the streetlamps in the damp of that hazy timezone between midnight and morning. She’s right in the middle of the yellow spotlight from above, and Lawrence thinks it’s weird how a colour that’s the same as the sun can all at once seem so cold. The mist, though light, hangs suffocating and stagnant in the air. It casts its moisture over the cars parked on the road opposite, and there’s an urge Lawrence has to push down to draw a little heart on a car bonnet, then zig-zag a line down the middle to break it.

Lawrence thinks she looks like some sort of Disney Channel character come to life; pink and white checked gingham skirt, white, long-sleeved crop top. The pink Filas with the hearts that she’d spent way too much of her student loan on and the matching pink bow that sits squint in her curly, rain-frizzy hair. There’s a crumpled, sad ball of a tissue clutched tight in her white-knuckled hands, and her pink acrylics are outlined with black smudges. Her head hangs towards her lap and as she tilts it to the sky Lawrence can see her face; her makeup, still completely perfect, but with two long, unbroken tear tracks of black mascara and eyeliner that stream down her cheeks like some sort of poison.

Lawrence feels like crying herself, almost had done when Ellie had broken down to them all in the club toilets. When she’d sobbed and her chest had risen and fallen so rapidly, illustrating the pieces of her heart that were shattering inside her ribcage as if Tia was blowing them up with dynamite. When A’whora had shushed her comfortingly and rubbed her back and Bimini had fed her tissue after tissue from the loo roll dispenser. When Ellie had whispered with all the hope and life gone out of her voice,

“I like her so much, and she doesn’t even know, and she’ll never see me like that.”

And Lawrence couldn’t say a word because she couldn’t trust herself to. Because she didn’t even know what to say. Really what could she say when Ellie had said it all already?  

She recalls the way the bass from the songs that were playing out in the main room of the club had seemed so much like a sinister heartbeat; the soundtrack to the dread that Lawrence was feeling, that feeling of something slipping away.

Well, not something. Ellie.

Tayce hadn’t had much time for the whole situation. Lawrence knew she cared, of course, it would be harsh to say she didn’t, but she had been drunk and not particularly tactful. She’d hoisted Ellie to her feet, smudged away her tears from beneath her lashes with her thumbs and cupped her face as she gave a speech about how Ellie didn’t need anyone to make her feel happy, and how if Tia wasn’t going to notice her then there were a million other girls and guys out there that would, and how Ellie couldn’t let anyone spoil her night and Tayce wasn’t going to let that happen either. The song’s transition into Be Faithful had prompted Tayce to take charge, gripping Ellie’s hand and leading them all out of the toilets and onto the dancefloor with a battle cry about how this was her song, and how there was no way in hell she was missing the opportunity to get to dance to it with her best bitches.

Lawrence had known that Ellie hadn’t really felt better, though. The smile on her face was fake and she’d disappeared when the others were all too distracted bickering about whose round it was next. Lawrence had seen her disappear through the main doors and towards the exit- really the idea of Ellie being able to sneak off anywhere was laughable given her height- and so she’d dashed off without thinking, following her while a sinking feeling rose in her gut.

And now she’s here, a little way along the street outside the club, looking at Ellie and her broken heart and trying to figure out how to clean up the mess without a dustpan and brush.

So she awkwardly approaches her, forcing a smile as Ellie lifts her head to look at her through sapphires filled with tears. She decides to go with what’s always served her well though life and injects some fake cheer into her voice as she opens the joke.

“Did I ever tell you about the time the police chapped my door an’ told me my dogs were chasin’ people on bikes?” she opens limply, the joke already the verbal equivalent of a racehorse about to be made into glue. “My dogs didny even have bikes.”

Ellie gives an empty shell of a laugh in return. Lawrence supposes it’s the joke equivalent of “ask a stupid question, recieve a stupid answer”- tell a shite joke, recieve a shite laugh in reply. She’s rendered silent again, left to awkwardly scuff her foot over the glistening, frosty ground until Ellie gives a shuddery breath in.

“Y'should be back inside with the others,” she starts quietly, paws at her sniffly nose with the back of her hand, the tissue being long since rendered useless. “Having fun and getting drunk instead of listening to my shit.”

“I’m already drunk,” Lawrence shrugs at her. It’s half true. She feels too exposed as she follows it up with, “And it’s not fun if I know you’re upset.”

The tiny smile that appears on Ellie’s face and the way her eyes gain just a tiny bit of life makes coming out here in the freezing cold worth it.

“Ellie,” Lawrence gives a small sigh of sympathy, moves to stand in front of her and lets the crumpled tissue fall into Ellie’s lap before she takes her friend’s hands. She’s thrown before she can say anything. “Fucking Christ, your hands are baltic.”

“It’s December in Scotland. Everything’s baltic,” Ellie gives the tiniest roll of her eyes, but her expression is mostly one of affection, the gesture clearly appreciated. The way Lawrence’s heart is sparked by it is way too embarrassing and ridiculous, and she feels like a total idiot for being in this deep.

She covers it up with a sarcastic barb, a raised eyebrow used as a capital letter. “Do you want a pep talk or don’t you?”

“Please,” Ellie replies flatly.

Lawrence has about a second to collect her thoughts, try to arrange them into something coherent and supportive like a child making a model out of junk and PVA glue. She knows it’s going to come at the expense of her own heart but really, when has she ever put her own feelings first when Ellie’s been involved? She wishes they both had the same aspect to their friendship as A’whora and Tayce: that undercurrent of flirting and tension, the fact that A’whora’s huge crush on Tayce is the equivalent of a present wrapped in cellophane, and if they’ve not already done something about that whole aspect of their relationship then they surely will soon. But with Ellie it’s different. Lawrence is bound by the ties of the purely platonic nature of their friendship and, while she’d love nothing more than to break them, there’s still that part of her that’s content to stay in the chains they created together because even though they’re tight, they’re comfortable. They’re safe.

Ellie is Lawrence’s friend, so Lawrence puts her own feelings to one side and acts like it.

“I know it hurts,” Lawrence says, unable to meet her friend’s eyes as she strokes her thumb over her knuckles. “I know it feels like the worst heartache in the world, and it’s terrible. You feel like the pain’s not going to go away or…like your heart’s been smashed. It’s that way where…you’re too far gone as friends now, and it’s that feeling of not being able to change that path you’ve both gone down and…it’s too late, and you’re sat torturing yourself with the what-ifs and wondering if…y’know, maybe if you’d done something differently, maybe this, maybe that…”

Lawrence trails off to allow herself to gain back some composure, because all she’s succeeded in doing is making her own heart hurt with the truth. It’s the fact she’s telling Ellie everything: every feeling she goes through when it’s just the two of them bickering affectionately together, or the pair of them spooning when they’re hungover and emotional, or bonding over the Scottish Twitter references that the rest of their flatmates don’t get. It’s the way that with every moment they grow closer it only feels as if Ellie grows more and more distant.

“But you can’t hurt yourself like that, you know?” Lawrence says firmly, snapping her gaze up bravely to look Ellie in the eyes. “You can’t go through every day wondering why you’re not good enough, because the truth is that…you are. You fucking…are good enough, Ellie, you don’t need to change anything about yourself. Just keep being you, because…there’s someone out there who’ll appreciate it. And love you for it.”

Ellie’s gaze turns warm and soft, and she blinks a few tears away before looking into her lap, squeezing Lawrence’s hands. “Thank you, babe. That’s really nice.”

Lawrence can’t bask in the appreciation for long though because Ellie then narrows her eyes at her and gives her an inquisitive look.

“You know. You know what it feels like. How come you know?”

It would be so easy just to let something slip out; a confession, an admission, the secret she’s been holding in for two years now. The way she could bat it all away and cover it up with the amount of Jaeger she’s consumed over the past two hour period if it didn’t go down well on Ellie’s end. The thing is, though, that a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts, and it’s so cold in the street that she’s starting to sober up anyway. There wouldn’t really be anything to hide behind.

So she gives a snort of self-derision. “I know I might just seem like a joke book in a flesh suit, but I actually have a heart underneath it all.”

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees softly, her smile growing a little bigger. “You do.”

Lawrence’s heart soars into the sky like a bubble or a ridiculous novelty helium balloon. Ellie’s being sincere; she’s not layering Lawrence’s joke with another joke, a playing card on top of another. She’s just being honest. She sees Lawrence’s heart underneath all the sarcasm and the comedy and the way she can’t ever lay a single one of her feelings bare. Sometimes Lawrence dares to hope, dares to dream. Maybe everything she feels is reciprocated even a little bit. This- with Ellie’s gentle smile and the way the streetlamp is giving her a halo and the mist that’s wrapping around the two of them- is one of those moments.

Ellie sighs heavily, cuts through her thoughts. “It’s not even like Veronica’s someone I can justifiably hate, y’know? She has to be fucking…nice, and sweet, and pretty and lovely and Little Miss Perfect. Of course Tia’s mad for her.”

Pop.

“Well, you’re nice as well,” Lawrence frowns insistently. She finds herself rambling a little, clearly not as sober as she supposes the cold is rendering her. “And sweet and pretty and lovely. And perfect. Actually, not quite. C’mere.”

Lawrence beckons for Ellie to lean down, and as she does she fleetingly thinks about how easy it would be to kiss her. Too easy but too overwhelmingly difficult all at once.

Instead, Lawrence reaches her hands up to do what she’d intended, and fixes Ellie’s bow as if she’s adjusting a crown for a princess.

“There. Perfect now.”

Ellie smiles sadly at her as she straightens up, whispers a soft, resigned “thank you”. She sighs, looks plaintively up at the sky, the yellow of the streetlamp and the inky black of the vast space hanging above their heads. She pouts, deflated and defeated.

“What do I do now?”

Lawrence looks down the street, back in the direction of the flat. She could tell Ellie to give up and get over Tia. She could tell Ellie there’s someone that she knows- that they both know- that actually has a huge crush on her, she just needs to open her bloody eyes because all that fucking eyeliner’s clearly making her blind. She could tell Ellie that even the blind man’s fucking guide dog can see that Tia is hopelessly infatuated with the tiny blonde children’s storybook character she’s been making heart-eyes at for the past three months.

But Ellie’s already heartbroken enough and Lawrence is trying to make her feel better, and the antidote of heartbreak is hope. So she gives Ellie two options.

“Well. You could just carry on pinning your hopes on a girl who you’re not sure’s ever going to like you back, if you think you’ve got enough hope and optimism left in you. Or you could move on. Find the someone else out there who’ll love you for everything you are, because there is one. I know there is,” Lawrence says, omitting the fact that said person is her best friend, standing right in front of her. She smiles tightly before adding, “Your choice.”

When Lawrence realises she’s holding her breath waiting on her friend’s decision she feels even more of an idiot than she already does.

Ellie’s smile turns a little more genuine and she doesn’t even have to say anything to tell Lawrence what she’s chosen. “Well I’ve never been one to go down without a fight, you know? So…let’s just say Veronica better watch out. I’m gonna come up behind her and knock her kneecaps in to win my girl over. No matter how lovely she is.”

Lawrence shares Ellie’s giggle with a heart made of lead. She’ll keep pining, then. Keep on keeping on, keep on sharing moments with Ellie that make her day and ruin it all at once, the cause and the cure of all her mixed-up emotions. She’d rather keep her friendship with Ellie and have her heart crack just a little tiny bit every day than not have the girl in her life at all.

“Right, c’mon you. I’m freezing my not inconsiderable tits off out here,” Lawrence says decisively, if a little quietly. She wants nothing more than to drag herself back into the club and fill herself with artificial happiness, drink and listen to dance tracks about breakups with a too-fast BPM for the subject matter.

As Ellie takes her hand the split-second before she turns around, though, Lawrence’s priorities change. Her friend’s face is pleading and a little shy as she meets her eyes for a second and then snaps them to the ground.

“Can we just stay out here for a couple more minutes? Sorry,” Ellie explains. Lawrence can tell she feels silly. “I’m starting to feel better just being out here with you, so…I don’t want to go back in just yet.”

Like a complete fool, Lawrence just smiles and nods. “Of course we can.”

There’s a small silence in which Lawrence hugs herself tightly and rubs both her arms, because, well. She is freezing. She’s freezing and she wishes she had a cigarette. Ellie clearly isn’t as wrapped up in her own thoughts as she had been before because she notices her friend’s discomfort, gives a roll of her eyes which is affectionate rather than exasperated and pats the wall beside her.

“Hop up and I’ll warm you up,” she says. The jolt her words give Lawrence’s heart is what can only be described as pathetic, jump leads to a dying car.

Lawrence tries to join her on the wall, placing her palms on the bricks and making to hoist herself up. Her short stature, though, is rendering this difficult, and with each new unsuccessful attempt Ellie starts to laugh more and more until she’s doubled over, unable to breathe at Lawrence’s various attempts to sit beside her.

(Lawrence always loves making Ellie laugh whether she’s intended to or not, because it’s a way of guaranteeing that her attention is on her. The more she can make her laugh, the more of her attention she gets, so sometimes Lawrence will act up as if she’s on an episode of Live at the Apollo with an audience of one, in the world’s first romantically driven stand-up set.)

Ellie continues to laugh, finally holding a hand out for Lawrence to grab with a humoured “c’mere” to accompany it. As Lawrence grasps her hand and feels sparks fly through her bloodstream, she also clearly underestimates Ellie’s strength as she’s tugged suddenly forwards and they’re both flying onto the grass behind the wall. All at once the pair of them are reduced to bundles of giggles; legs scraping against the bricks and bodies flush against the wet grass, both of them breathless with their hands still entwined.

As their laughter dies down, there’s nothing left but their faces close together and the rise and fall of their chests and the small, dippy smile that’s still there on Ellie’s lips as she looks at her. The black of the sky and the green of the grass and the blue of her eyes, colour in absolutes. Simple, like Lawrence’s feelings are anything but.

It’s ethereal and it’s sad and Ellie will never know what it all means to her.

“I love you,” Lawrence says quietly. It’s too real and too painful and too raw to leave it like that, a plaster ripped off a cut too early. She elects to follow it up with, “Ya big bow-legged freak.”

Ellie giggles again, drunk and appeased. This is good. This is what Lawrence had wanted; to cheer her up and put that starry smile on her face on a night that’s meant to be all about her, meant to be special and magical and not the bad dream it had turned into. Lawrence has filled her head with drunk platitudes and compliments that’ve hurt too much to give. Lawrence has done the duties of a friend. She is her friend. And Ellie is happy. Lawrence can’t be sad when she’s happy.

Ellie lets go of her hand, pulls her in and hugs her. In an instant, the dewey grass seems instantly warmer. The moment is nicotine and Lawrence fills her lungs.

“I love you too, babe.”

She pretends she means it like she wants her to, and the bittersweet feeling it gives her fills her heart like tar.

[sachigram]

Telescope Now Chapter 1

((click here to read on ao3!!))

It's a usual busy morning when Izaya catches sight of familiar bleached, messy hair. He considers his options, wondering if it might be in his best interest to let Shizuo pass by unprovoked. Izaya's got a deadline coming up and a meeting to get to, not to mention his stomach is a little sour from leaving his apartment without breakfast. He could wait until Shizuo passes, make his way to the nearest cafe, and the rest of his day could go without a hitch, but somehow the thought of another mundane day has Izaya's face scrunching in irritation. His work isn't normal by any means, nor is his life, but he thinks if it ever started to be predictable, he really might lose his mind for good.

He watches Shizuo, wondering when might be the best time to intercept him, but he pauses when he hears Shizuo's laugh ring out. It's bright, unbridled, happy. Izaya rarely sees Shizuo like this, and he's never seen Shizuo like this up close. By far, this is the most Izaya has ever hated Shizuo. This is the most hate Izaya thinks he's capable of.

Still, he isn't making himself known.

Shizuo passes by with Tom and Vorona, still chuckling about something Izaya didn't hear. All of them are in their own little bubble, and to anyone who didn't know them, they might seem vulnerable. Izaya grins at that, thinks of false perceptions. He really shouldn't interrupt their day, not when there's so much else to do. Shizuo likely wouldn't stop chasing Izaya for over an hour, and even afterwards, Izaya knows staying in Ikebukuro means Shizuo will keep hunting him. It's better for Shizuo not to know Izaya is even in the city at all.

He steps out onto the sidewalk anyway.

It's an instantaneous reaction. Shizuo's happy, contented expression is replaced entirely, and Izaya knows if nothing else, he's succeeded in ruining Shizuo's morning. Shizuo steps closer, his teeth bared, fists clenched. He growls something, but Izaya barely hears it, doesn't need to. It's the same old song and dance, and Izaya knows it by heart.

He turns and books it, and he can tell without looking back that Shizuo is hot on his heels. It's strange, really, that his least favorite person— monster— is always the one who makes Izaya feel most alive. It's probably an animal instinct, something leftover from the past. Shizuo is a predator, after all, another breed entirely. More than that, he's fun. Shinra has mentioned, more than once, that goading Shizuo is akin to self-destructive behavior on Izaya's part, but then what does that make it for Shizuo?

“Getting distracted, flea?!” Shizuo shouts, and Izaya cackles as he dodges whatever it was Shizuo just threw. “You're slow today!”

“Faster than Shizu-chan all the same,” Izaya mutters to himself. He hasn't been sleeping well, which isn't anything new. He's got so much work to do, took on a lot at once, maybe too much. Izaya has always had a hard time sitting still, but at some point he's forgotten how to stop. It's unfortunate he ran into Shizuo today, but what was he supposed to do? Leave Shizuo in peace? Never.

He's propelling himself forward, and he thinks he's finally gaining enough momentum to lose Shizuo, but what he loses is something much more significant. He hears a honking, some shouts, a woman screaming. He feels pain all over, and then his vision goes black.

***

When he comes to, no time seems to have passed. He tastes blood in his mouth and realizes he bit his tongue when he fell. He's flat on his back, concrete smooth against his palms, and he blinks stars out of his vision as he realizes Shizuo is on top of him.

“Oi. You okay? Flea?” Shizuo holds up a hand. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“None?” Izaya asks. He coughs a bit, choking on blood and saliva. He bit his tongue hard. “You're just— it's just a fist.”

Shizuo leans back, eyeing him. His phone is in his other hand. “I'm gonna call Shinra.”

“Don't bother, I'm fine. Fuck...” Izaya looks around. A crowd has gathered, circling them, and Izaya thinks of sharks in the water. “I can walk.”

“Your head's bleeding.”

“Was I hit?” Izaya asks. He looks around for a truck, but he never saw what it looked like.

“No,” Shizuo says. He holds his phone up to his ear, and Izaya realizes Shizuo is calling Shinra anyway. “You weren't hit.”

Izaya barely registers Shizuo's conversation with Shinra. He's foggy, unsure of details, and his head is pounding. He presses his hand into his hair and winces as pain shoots through him. When he looks at his fingers, they're covered in blood.

“I can walk,” Izaya says again. His legs seem to be fine, everything seems to be fine. It's just his head that's hurting, and Izaya has been concussed before. He stands and wobbles a bit, and Shizuo is on his feet in an instant.

“Izaya, stop. You're hurt.”

“I wasn't hit,” Izaya argues. “Did you save me?”

Shizuo glares at him before barking something else into the phone, and Izaya finds himself lowering back to the ground. His stomach is uneasy, and everything about this feels wrong somehow, like he's not in the right place or time. He draws his knees up and rests his head against them, feeling like he's dreaming.

Shinra arrives pretty fast. He's babbling something about already being in the area, and then he's pressing his fingers roughly into Izaya's hair and over the growing lump. Izaya hisses in pain and jolts back. Shinra laughs.

“You're fine if you can complain, Izaya-kun!”

“I don't think that's how pain works,” Izaya mutters. He's noticed that Shizuo is still standing off to the side, smoking as he observes.

“You should come over. You'll need monitoring.” Shinra checks over the rest of Izaya before deeming him fit enough to be moved. “Can you walk?”

“Yes,” Izaya snaps, but when he stands, his legs feel like jelly. “I already said I could.” He winds up blacking out before he can take a step.

***

As it turns out, it is a concussion, a pretty bad one. His head ends up needing stitches, and Izaya is surly and irritated by the time Shinra is finally leaving him alone. Shinra's guest bed isn't comfortable, but the room is quiet and private. Izaya wonders if Shizuo is still out there with Shinra and Celty, but then he decides he doesn't want to know the answer.

It's hard to focus at all, but time is definitely passing. Izaya keeps dozing off and waking to different lighting in the room, usually to Shinra jabbing him. It takes a while for Izaya to feel up for talking, but when he does, he blurts out the only thing he can think of.

“Shizu-chan saved my life, didn't he?”

Shinra hums and writes something down on a chart.

“He did. Tackled you right out of the way from an incoming truck.”

Izaya frowns and tries to make sense of that answer.

“What's wrong? Unhappy you were saved by Shizuo-kun? Or just unhappy you were saved?” Shinra asks, and he grins as he plops into the seat next to the bed. “You should be grateful. You probably would've died if you were struck.”

“Don't tell me how to feel about my own mortality,” Izaya says. “It's rude.”

“You've always called him a monster, but he was human enough to save you! Maybe this is your new lease on life. You can become a better person,” Shinra quips.

“Does that mean I'll finally get better friends?”

“Maybe! I don't have any intention of changing, though.”

“Of course not.” Izaya grins and covers his eyes with his hands, rubbing at them as incredulous laughter escapes him. “Fuck. This can't be real, right? Shizu-chan saving me?”

“He's a good person,” Shinra says, and he swats at Izaya when Izaya just laughs harder. “I mean it!”

“He's barely a person at all.” Izaya uncovers his face and stares listlessly up at the ceiling again. Where does this leave him? Should he thank Shizuo, be indebted to him? Should he stop trying to make Shizuo's life a living hell?

“What are you thinking about?” Shinra asks, and he smiles when Izaya turns to him.

“I didn't ask him to save me.”

Shinra sighs and leans onto the bed, his hand tugging at Izaya's sleeve.

“I'm not saying you should thank him or anything. He'd probably be mad if you did, actually. But maybe just try and hate him a little less, huh? I think you can do that much.”

“Maybe I can't,” Izaya says. “Maybe seeing him as anything other than a monster is a fate worse than death. Maybe this was his plan all along, to torture me.”

“You're being dramatic. Now I know you're fine!”

They wind up playing cards. Izaya's headache is at a tolerable level, due to the pills Shinra gave him. Shinra's presence is warm and welcome, and Izaya's chest aches with how much he's missed this, playing a game with somebody. Usually he's alone, a master of solitaire and his own games, but this is better, much better, seeing Shinra get so competitive and bent out of shape about losing. Izaya considers letting Shinra win a hand, but thinks better of it. Shinra is an even worse sore winner than loser.

“I can leave tomorrow, right?” Izaya asks.

“I don't see why not. You're conscious and alert, no signs of brain damage.” Shinra shows his hand, a full house. He's beaming. “I win!”

“Finally,” Izaya says, bemused. “Here I was thinking that playing alone would be more of a challenge.”

“Liar,” Shinra says, already shuffling the cards. “You look far too happy to be thinking mean things about me.”

Izaya joins Shinra for dinner at the table. Neither Celty nor Shizuo are in the apartment, which Izaya is grateful for. He's not ready to face Shizuo, and he isn't in the mood to deal with Celty pestering him about being nicer to Shizuo from now on. Shinra serves some fried rice with vegetables, nothing fancy, but Izaya eats ravenously, remembering he hasn't had food all day.

“I wonder what's keeping Celty,” Shinra says after a few minutes of quiet.

“She's probably off with Shizuo, both of them discussing what a saint he is for saving my life,” Izaya mutters around his chopsticks.

“Mm, maybe. She keeps odd hours, after all. I love having her with me all the time, but just thinking about our reunion makes me so giddy! I can't wait for her to come back!”

Izaya rolls his eyes and then winces. He rubs at the bandage covering his head.

“Are you in pain?” Shinra asks.

“It's fine, really. It's going to hurt for a while. I think it's the stitches more than the injury.”

“It was a pretty bad injury. You really hit your head hard.”

“So you've said,” Izaya says, letting his hand fall. “Like I said, it's fine.”

“It's unlike you to be so clumsy. I expect Shizuo running into things, but you're usually more careful,” Shinra says, and Izaya nods.

“I've been a little under the weather. I shouldn't have provoked Shizuo today.”

“You shouldn't provoke him at all!” Shinra laughs. “A concussion is less than you deserve.”

“Second chances, and all. I suppose next time I get Shizuo hit by a truck, I'll be more sympathetic to his plight. After all, he saved my life.” Izaya takes another bite of food and then looks up at Shinra. “Have you got any sake?”

“I do, but you can't have any. You're concussed.”

“Worth a try,” Izaya laments, leaning back in his chair.

“I mean it, Izaya-kun,” Shinra starts, and Izaya waves him away.

“I get it, no drinking—“

“Not that,” Shinra interrupts. “I mean about Shizuo-kun. This fight really needs to end before someone gets killed. You came close today.”

Izaya sighs. “Freak accidents happen every day. It doesn't matter what I was doing before it happened to me. For all we know, it still might've happened.”

“Doesn't mean you should further your chances.”

“Why not? I'm a good gambler.” Izaya smirks, but he softens when Shinra keeps giving him a hard stare. “What do you care for, anyway? You've never minded our feud before, aside from your desire for us all to be friends.”

“I mind it! I've always minded it! I don't want either of you to die. It seemed kind of...playful, for a while, but you're both getting worse all the time.”

“Playful,” Izaya scoffs. “We've been trying to kill each other. This isn't anything new.”

“It is, and you know it. You're both out for blood all the time now. I'm so glad Shizuo-kun saved you today. He could've let you get hit, but he didn't. It gives me hope that you two could be—“

“Stop it,” Izaya says sharply. “I mean it. I don't want to talk about him anymore.”

“Izaya-kun.” Shinra is giving him an imploring stare, his jaw set. “No one is going to make the two of you be friends, but can't you at least consider not being his enemy?”

“No,” Izaya spits vehemently. “I can't consider that, and I won't. This isn't some stupid rivalry that's going to end from one act of selflessness. It's not that simple, for him or for me, and I'm sure he'll tell you the same.”

“Saving a life isn't just an act of selflessness, Izaya-kun. It's more than that! Don't you know how much a life is worth?” Shinra's stern gaze turns into something else. “Or is it just because it's your own life that you don't see it?”

“For fuck's sake,” Izaya groans. He puts his head into his hands. “You never know when to quit. I already said this was a pointless discussion, and you're still beating the dead horse into the ground.”

“I'm determined,” Shinra says. “Finish eating before it gets cold. And think about what I said before you just brush it off! I really think you two would be good for each other.”

Izaya doesn't respond because there's no point. No matter what he says, Shinra will always be trying to get him to make amends with Shizuo, and in a weird way, Izaya is grateful for Shinra's tenacity. Shinra is a selfish idiot, but he's the only person in Izaya's life who actually cares about him. He's the only one who would play cards with him on his sickbed, anyway.

“Did you call your sisters?” Shinra asks as he clears the table. Izaya gets up to help, not wanting to be a rude house guest.

“Of course not. Why would I?”

“Well, you almost died,” Shinra says, and Izaya chuckles, thinking to himself that it's really not as big a deal as Shinra is making it out to be. No one cared when he was stabbed, after all.

“I have no intention of telling them. They'd only use the information as an excuse to attack me, you know? Mairu really has it out for me these days.”

“You have a strange relationship with them. Have you meddled so much in their lives that they don't like you now? Maybe you should ease up a bit, and I'm sure they'll forgive you.” Shinra washes the dishes, and Izaya dries them with a fluffy towel. A bright cursive 'C' is printed on the towel, and Izaya shakes his head at it.

“It's not that. We just don't get along well. I'm sure they blame me for...certain aspects of themselves, and they're right to. I was never a very good parental figure.” Izaya stacks the dry plates together, unsure of which cabinet they go in. He doesn't come here enough to know where things go.

“You did the best you could,” Shinra says with a shrug. “When they get older, I'm sure they'll realize that.”

Izaya highly doubts it. He always took care of their physical needs, but when it came to emotional availability, he was out of it. He never understood their mood swings and their tantrums, and he didn't really try to. Their parents are painfully ordinary people, so the twins got every bit of their eccentricities from Izaya, who didn't think anything of it at the time. It makes sense for them to hate him. He doesn't take it personally.

He goes back to the guest bedroom after Shinra disappears to shower. There aren't any messages on Izaya's phone, not even from clients. Things are quiet tonight, and Izaya is grateful for it. He doesn't feel well enough to spend energy on getting involved in anything.

He dozes fitfully. He's tired, but different parts of him hurt enough to where he keeps waking up. He can't get comfortable on this shitty bed. He needs to remind himself to bully Shinra into getting another mattress, or at least a mattress cover. Izaya longs for his own bed, his own place, but there is a certain comfort in knowing Shinra is right in the other room, within earshot. Izaya doesn't have that at home.

By morning, Izaya is warm under the covers, and for all it's flaws, Izaya doesn't want to leave the bed. He forces himself upright, and when he pads into the living room, Celty is on the couch, her helmet off. Still, he can tell she's looking right at him. She holds up her PDA.

“You look funny all bandaged up.”

“Thanks,” he says. “Make fun of the mortal for injuries. How cruel of you.”

“Any lasting damage?” she asks.

“I doubt it. I'm nothing if not resilient. I probably won't have work for you for a few days. Things are strangely quiet, and I should rest anyhow. Phone screens are hurting my head.”

She lowers her PDA almost sheepishly, and he finds himself laughing at her.

“It's fine, really. I appreciate the concern.”

“Are you going to thank Shizuo for what he did?” Her shadows are swirling pensively. Izaya knew this was coming.

“Nope!” he says, and she shoves the screen in his face.

“?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!”

“I didn't ask him to save me, now did I? Besides, can you imagine what he'd say if I thanked him for anything, ever? He'd probably kill me then and there.” Izaya backs away from her and fetches his coat from the rack. “Believe me, pretending it never happened is what we both want.”

“You're wrong.” she types, and he ignores it.

“Tell Shinra I'll see him around,” he says as he exits the apartment. He's ready to be in his own bed, maybe call Namie over to wait on him. She'll hate him even more for it, but she cooks pretty well, and he actually likes her company. It's refreshing to be around people so openly hostile. They rarely hide what they're thinking.

Throughout the day, everything is painfully normal and boring. Aside from the twinges of pain he feels, Izaya thinks to himself it's almost like nothing happened at all. He contacts a few of his clients and asks for an extension, calls Shiki to check in and let him know he'll be resting for a bit, but will be ready for more work soon enough. When Namie comes, Izaya pesters her until she cooks, and she even joins him for dinner, though she says it's just because she's starving.

That night, Izaya sleeps well, though he has odd dreams, which is a normal occurrence for him. He dreams of the twins and himself, all young, together in that house. In the dream, he's trying to spend time with them, but they keep going off by themselves, laughing at him for even attempting to make a connection. No matter what he tries, he feels miles away, and in the end, he relents, leaving them alone until they both vanish. He wakes with a pit in his stomach, a feeling that something is very wrong, even if he can't place it.

He calls for Namie, but he knows she won't answer. It's daylight now, early morning, and she's long gone, clocked out on the time clock he installed just to annoy her. He looks up at his ceiling, remembering the dream. It's like a bad taste in his mouth, something that lingers despite his attempts to get rid of it. He swings his legs over the side of the bed, feeling like something is incredibly wrong, but unable to place exactly what it is.

He showers, forces himself to calm down. Nothing is any different from normal, and no matter what happens, being uneasy won't solve anything. He has so much to worry about already, especially knowing other people saw him injured on the sidewalk with Shizuo lingering over him. He considers messaging Shizuo, ridiculing him for stepping in, but he decides better of it. Izaya is too out of it to run from Shizuo right now, or anytime soon. He'll save it for later.

It's not until Namie is near him, clacking away at her own laptop, that Izaya says anything about it.

“I had a weird dream.” He looks up at her. She pauses from her typing, looks up at him with a deadpan expression.

“Okay. And?” she asks. He laughs, pushes his keyboard away before responding.

“It was about my sisters,” he says, and she raises an eyebrow.

“I thought you said you didn't care about them very much?”

“I don't. It's just... A lot has happened,” he says, and she rolls her eyes.

“Do you want their sympathy? You had a near-death experience. Did you want them to dote on you?” Namie is amused, grinning at him. Izaya shakes his head.

“It's not that. I always have weird dreams, you know? Sometimes I can fall asleep early like a normal person, but when I'm out of it, I see all kinds of things. I guess this one just stuck with me. It seems ominous, kind of. It made me feel...like something is going to happen soon.”

“Like a premonition?” Namie asks, and her playful expression is gone.

“Maybe? I... I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm bringing this up. I've had much weirder dreams in the past. I guess this one just felt different.” Izaya groans before rubbing at his bandage.

“Feelings are enough,” Namie says, and when she meets Izaya's gaze, she is sincere. “I mean it. If you think something is wrong, maybe something really is wrong.”

“You're being awfully engaging today, Namie-chan,” Izaya says, and she shrugs.

“They're your sisters. I understand how it feels to worry about family.” Her expression changes, and Izaya has no doubt she's thinking of Seiji. He makes a face and tries to get back to work, but he still feels off, a little nauseous, too. He's never felt this bad after a head injury before, and he considers calling Shinra, but it's entirely possible he was coming down with a stomach virus before he got hurt. He hasn't felt his best for a few days now.

“I think I'm going to nap,” he says after a while, and Namie glances back at him.

“Nap? You?”

“I feel gross.” Izaya stretches before standing. He pads over to the stairs. “You can go home, if you want. It was stupid of me to try to work today. Sorry to make you come over at all.”

“And now you're apologizing to me? How hard were you hit, anyway?” Namie asks, and she's grinning. Izaya rolls his eyes at her.

“It won't happen again,” he promises, and he starts climbing the stairs. Namie clears her throat.

“Do you need anything before I go?” she asks, and he's a little stunned. Usually she's out the door like a shot the second she learns she can leave for the day. As it is, she's looking at him with a neutral expression, but Izaya thinks she seems a little concerned.

“I still have leftovers from yesterday. I think I have a stomach virus, anyway. I doubt I'll eat much of anything.” He rubs at his stitches. They're really itchy, and underneath there is a constant, throbbing pain.

“Do you have medicine here?” Namie asks, and Izaya snorts.

“I have my own little pharmacy, courtesy of Shinra. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were concerned about me!” Izaya grins at her, waiting for her to argue with him, but she just keeps looking up at him with furrowed brows.

“You don't seem well,” she says, and he frowns. “You look like you're going to keel over.”

“I plan to collapse right into bed. I'm fine, really. Go home, Namie-chan, I don't know what to make of you being nice to me.” He turns and heads back for his room, and he can hear Namie moving around below. He's too tired to make her leave, and really, she has a key. She can come and go when she pleases. He closes his eyes and drifts off to the sound of her footsteps.

When he wakes, his head is buried in his arms, and he realizes he's at his desk. He bolts upright, his eyes wide as he looks around. Namie is looking at him scathingly, as if he's purposely annoying her.

“Bad dream?” she asks.

“I thought I...went to bed. I went upstairs. Didn't I?” he asks, and she raises an eyebrow.

“You said you were tired and fell asleep right there. Now that you're awake, though, can I go?” Namie is already standing, and Izaya blinks up at her. His head is throbbing.

“Did we talk at all? I mentioned my sisters...”

“Your sisters?” Namie asks, pausing in gathering her things. “You never talk about them. Why would you start now?”

“Was it all a dream?” Izaya asks. He feels queasy. He needs to call Shinra.

“You're dreaming about mundane conversations with me? Wow. Here I thought an eccentric like you would have a more colorful subconscious,” Namie quips. She pulls her jacket on and heads to the door. “You have leftovers in the fridge. Don't call me unless you're dying.”

“Well that sounds more like you,” Izaya mutters to himself, waving her out. Once he's alone, he stands and immediately groans in pain before flopping back into the chair. His stomach lurches, and he doesn't know if he'll make it to the bathroom. He sits as still as he can while waiting for the vertigo and nausea to pass, and when he can move again, he grabs his phone and calls Shinra.

“Izaya-kun! I'm having dinner with Celty!” Shinra says as soon as he answers, and Izaya sighs.

“Sorry, I think maybe— Wait, dinner? It's so early,” Izaya says, and Shinra doesn't reply. “Hello?”

“Did you need something or can I hang up?” Shinra asks.

“My head— I think something's wrong. I feel terrible and I'm nauseous.”

“That's normal. You were rattled around, you know? It was a big truck.”

“The truck didn't hit me.”

“Right, right, but Shizuo-kun has more strength than a truck. Either way, just take it easy. You'll feel better soon, but you have to actually take care of yourself. Have you eaten today?” Shinra asks.

“No. I feel like I'll throw it up.”

“You've probably got low blood sugar. Eat something and lounge around, and if it doesn't subside by tomorrow, I'll come by.”

“I'm having trouble telling what's real,” Izaya blurts, and there's a pause before Shinra bursts out laughing.

“I'm not that kind of doctor, Izaya-kun!”

“It's because of my head injury, you idiot!” Izaya snaps, and Shinra keeps laughing.

“I'm sorry. It's normal to have some fogginess. You hit your head hard, and you aren't taking care of your body. Just relax and stay inside tonight. You don't want to pass out in the middle of the city. I'll come check on you tomorrow, okay?”

“Right. Okay.” Izaya hangs up then. He knows Shinra is right. He forces himself to the fridge, and he heats up the food Namie made the day before. He's nibbling at it, already feeling better when his phone rings again. It's Shiki, and he frowns, not understanding why Shiki is calling his personal phone and not his work phone.

“Hello, Shiki-san! What can I do for you?” Izaya answers.

“Izaya-san, I'm sorry,” Shiki says. “Are you home? Are you safe?”

“I'm fine. Yes, I'm home— Is something wrong?” Izaya asks. There's static for a moment, and then Shiki's voice is louder, and it sounds almost like Shiki is right next to him.

“We were worried about you. I'm glad you're safe.”

“We spoke yesterday, right?” Izaya asks. How much of that did he dream? Shiki sighs in his ear.

“Yes, but something has happened. Unfortunately, nothing could be done, and... Izaya-san, it's your sisters.”

“My sisters...” Izaya murmurs. He rubs at his head.

“They're dead.”

[dirt-cup-draco]

Fred x Reader - Break

Omg can I request baking with Fred Weasley? Sneaking into the kitchens at hogwarts on a night time with him and just baking. Fred being annoying (but cute) and eating the food before it’s ready. Having mini food fights. The whole shebang. Ps I love you and your stuff, it’s kept me going through my dark moments and I would like to say thank you. You helped me without even knowing or meaning to and you’re my angel x

A/N: I just want to say you are so amazing and strong and you pushed through your dark times with your own strength and I am proud of you but I am so happy that I have been able to make those moments easier on you or that I was able to help in some way, keep going strong sweet pea! xoxo Message me if you ever need anything! 

With the news of Sirius Black breaking out of Azkaban, everyone was on edge. Yet it didn’t seem as severe as the heavy feeling that the dementors brought as they patrolled the school grounds, their tattered cloaks hiding their gruesome appearance but not helping to remove the depressing air they spread with them. 

You had been especially withdrawn lately. Your surroundings affected your mood more than you wanted to admit but Fred was tuned into your emotions, even the slightest change and he knew. You hadn’t ever been in a relationship before where your significant other could notice such small differences in your demeanor. It was a challenge at first, you’d been unwilling to lean on Fred, worrying that he would grow tired of you.

Fred was stubborn though and had stuck by you, getting you to trust him to a point where you could confide in him without worrying that he would be bothered. Once you had reached that point you realized it took a weight off of your shoulders, sharing your burdens and stresses with Fred. He did the same and you both held each other up with no complaint. 

Today was a particularly hard day and Fred could tell by the way you sighed every so often, scribbling in your notebook just to break up the monotony of the day and the waves of your ever changing emotions. 

“Hello my sweet girl,” Fred said gently, kissing your cheek as you lifted your legs from their spot on the couch as he automatically slid underneath, hands hooking beneath your thighs as he tugged you closer. Tossing your notes to the side you wrapped your arms around his neck as you made yourself comfortable against him, face nuzzled against the junction of his shoulder and neck. 

“Hello my silly boy,” You said back, a small smile appearing if only for a moment. 

“You doing alright?” He asked, hand skating up and down your back in an easy rhythm that had your eyes feeling heavy as you let the pressure and stress of the day melt. 

“‘Course, Freddie,” You mumbled, your breath warm on his neck as you spoke. “I’ve just been so drained. I don’t have a reason to be upset really I”m just not feeling my best. Everything is so tense nowadays, I can’t go to class without students whispering about Black’s escape and how he is going to gut some kid or go after Harry. It’s hard to focus when there seems to be so much chaos everywhere. And quite honestly, I hate those dementors, they’re creepy,” 

Fred gave an exaggerated shiver. “I have to agree with you there love, they aren’t going to be winning any pageants or awards for hospitality and warmth any time soon.” You let out a giggle and Fred was proud of himself. “But hey, you’re safe here, we all are. You know Dumbledore won’t let anything happen to us.”

You fell into a comfortable silence, nodding your agreement. You trusted Dumbledore and the staff, your teachers were able and your headmaster was legendary. You couldn’t help but feel like darker times were ahead however and it had put you in a funk you couldn’t kick even if Fred’s words gave you comfort. 

Some time later, after falling in and out of a nap, Fred shook you, standing as he lifted you with him. Suddenly being in the air startled you and you squealed, clinging to your boyfriend. “Come on, I have an idea,” 

You groaned, “I don’t want detention again,” You whined as Fred carried you out of the common room. “But it doesn’t seem i have a choice,” You figured as Fred kept an arm steady underneath your knees, the other around your midsection as you kept your arms around his neck. 

“Have you no faith in me?” Fred teased, pinching your thigh lightheartedly. 

You laughed and rolled your eyes as he continued to walk. To say you were surprised when he let you go after arriving in the kitchens was accurate. You didn’t think there had been a single occasion in all your time together where he had whisked you away to the kitchens. You were surprised because it was empty at this time of night. Fred didn’t like empty, it meant there was no audience.

You gave him a quizzical look and he grinned, giving you a chaste kiss as he began to rummage through the cabinets and drawers. “We,” He declared as he lifted a canister of flour hi into the air, “Are going to make cupcakes,” 

You couldn’t help but feel appreciation for Fred right then. Cupcakes were your favorite, and baking was a nice release for you. You hadn’t expected him to know you needed something like this. 

However, you weren’t sure what you expected of your jokester of a significant other. “If you keep up with that we won’t have enough batter to bake more than one cupcake!” You scolded as he tossed a scoop of the chocolate batter in to the air, trying to see if he could catch the sweet mass before it made a mess. Needless to say, he had only succeeded in making himself a mess. 

You paused from where you were filling a tin with cupcake wrappers to grab your boyfriend by his tie, holding him in place. “Scourgify,” You muttered, tapping your wand playfully against his nose as the batter disappeared from his sticky fingers and mouth. 

“You’re the sweetest thing in this room,” He smiled as he grabbed your hips before you could return to baking. You rolled your eyes but accepted his kiss eagerly. 

“That would be you,” You decided after tasting him. If it was anything to go by, these cupcakes were going to be scrumptious. Fred winked but settled down a bit. You wished it would have lasted.

You had successfully baked the cupcakes and set them out to cool without any more shenanigans but the waiting bored your boyfriend. You were content to sit and wait but he was full of an energy that had never seemed to leave him, no matter the situation. Knowing he could hold his faith even in difficult times helped you as well. 

Fred asked to do the frosting so he could do something with his hands and you had thought that it wouldn’t end up disastrously. You had been wrong. Fred had made the frosting and it had been perfect, because of this he couldn’t stop sneaking spoonfuls. Sweets were his weakness. You lightly scolded him again and in retaliation he had told you to lighten up, swiping a glob of frosting across your cheek and down your jaw. 

You gaped at him and he laughed, eyes wide with excitement as you jumped up from your seat, hand dipping into the frosting as you chased him around as he laughed. You couldn’t keep up. Fred paused and you ran straight for him but at the last moment he dodged, arms wrapping around you and pulling your back against his chest, making sure your hands were pressed hard against your side so you couldn’t get him back. “Weren’t you just trying to clean me up?” He teased.

“There is no hope of that Weasley,” You giggled. You wondered how Molly had kept up with him as a child. She was an amazing mother but it was a miracle she hadn’t tired out so easily. Fred was definitely the kind of boy to track mud into the house at least once a day or cause some catastrophic mess. 

“How rude of you Y/L/N,” He pouted back pulled you even closer against him, a flash of hair appearing in your peripheral and then you squealed as he licked the frosting from your cheek. 

“You are so disgusting!” You squirmed as he cackled, chest shaking with each wave of amusement that kept him laughing. 

“You were being mean!” He defended but forgot to keep his guard as you turned in his arm, schooling your expression as you brought your hand up, smearing the frosting on Fred’s face as it colored his forehead down to his chin. He went cross eyed, frowning at the frosting that was now apparent between his eyes. 

You weren’t sure how long you two danced around the kitchen, trying to get your revenge against one another as you laughed, pulling each other close to tease before running from one another to gather more frosting. You didnt stop until you stuck your hand in the bowl and it came back nearly clean. You had used up all of your frosting. 

Fred watched as you burst into laughter, your hair stuck in wild directions as some of the frosting had dried. He was sure he looked just as crazy. “We used it all up!” You laughed, tears springing to the corners of your eyes. It wasn’t so funny but you needed this, you needed to forget about everything for a while and now the stress was melting, being let out by your hysteric giggles. 

Fred joined in on the laughter as he wet a hand towel at the sink, dragging it through your crunchy strands of hair as you settled your hands on his narrow hips to steady yourself. “I don’t think my hair is the issue here Fred,” You mentioned as you let out another final laugh, gesturing to the frosting smeared all over your face. 

“I was just saving that for later,” He said, lips as pink as his cheeks brushing against yours, tongue darting out to collect the remnants of your confection there. You smiled fingers tangling in his hair as he trailed his lips over yours before making a path to your cheek. Fred made an exaggerated smacking noise as he placed his lips against your cheek but your laughter died in your throat when he continued his path down to your neck, nibbling and sucking at the skin there.

“I’m starting to think this was your plan all along,” You tried not to sound breathless but it seemed you were doing a very bad job as your boyfriend smirked against your pulse that had spiked. 

“Caught me red handed, detective,” He mumbled. 

After Fred was satisfied he grabbed your hips and set you up on the counter in one easy motion. “It was nice, seeing you smile so much,” He admitted as he washed your fingers and face with a hand towel. The both of you could easily clean up but you didnt want your carefree time to end quite yet and you had a suspicion Fred felt the same. 

“I can’t help myself when I’m with you,” You said, kissing his nose as he beamed back at you. “Thank you for this, I needed it, a break from everything I mean. You are the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ever hope to have,” 

“I know,” Fred teased but his gaze was tender as he took your words to heart. “I’m my best when I’m with you,” 

You hopped down from the counter and wrapped your arms around him, burying your face in his chest. “We’re the best together,” You mumbled, a shyness to your words Fred found too cute for his own good. You might just be the death of him. 

“I love you,” Fred declared as he gave you a quick squeeze. “But I don’t love cupcakes without frosting, lets try once more? I promise I wont ruin it this time,” He grinned, sticking out his pinkie finger in an oath to not touch the frosting until it was on a cupcake, on it’s way to his mouth. 

“You’re lucky that frosting is what makes a cupcake good otherwise I’d just go to bed right now,” You said but there was no real threat. You’d stay up all night long if it meant you got to relax with Fred. You’d needed this and you needed Fred. You had meant what you said, you were the best with him. Only he could bring you away from the edge of a mental breakdown. 

That night you were completely content as you and Fred switched into pajamas, meeting back in your common room to snack on the cupcakes you had worked far too hard on. 

“Thanks Freddie,” You said once more kissing him as he pulled you against him. You were too tired to get up and go to your dorm but you knew Fred would take care of you. 

“Any time my sweet girl,” Fred smiled as you drifted off in his arms, relaxed for the first time in too long. 

[callioope]

Continuing my reactions to Avatar: The Last Airbender

This post is about Book 3. See my overall impressions and thoughts on Book 1 here. See my thoughts on Book 2 here.

ETA: crap i forgot the keep reading line initially SORRY if anyone saw this before i edited. anyways. please see the tags as a disclaimer before reading. gosh it’s late i need to go to bed.

General

Starting S3 now and dang Katara & Toph have gotten so powerful!!!!!

I literally recorded ZERO reactions from Chapter One through Chapter Twelve. And my first reaction is basically my excitement that Zuko is finally with the Aang crew! But let me try to skim through an episode list to recall my reactions.

You may have already seen my post expressing shock that MARK HAMILL voiced the Fire Lord. Still not over that revelation.

So, ultimately, I binged this show in less than a week. I think I started on Monday? And finished Saturday afternoon. That alone should speak to how much I enjoyed it! 

Aang

Okay, a bit weird to have barely any thoughts under Aang when he’s literally the protagonist, but I think (since I wrote other sections before this) that I touch on some of my thoughts on him under other characters. 

I will say, his journey really intensifies in this season. First, when he awakens after being unconscious for several days and has no idea what’s going on, and is still healing and more helpless than he’s probably ever felt in his life. I did really like his arc in this season, but what a stark contrast to the Aang of Book 1. He has to grow up so fast. I gotta say, a lot of Aang’s journey reminded me just a little of Ender in Ender’s Game. 

I do say this later, but his final decision about how to handle Ozai was amazing. I loved every second of his journey to get there, and I was rooting for him to find a path that felt true to him — and not what everyone else kept telling him he had to do. 

There was one small thing that bothered me, which was that his eventual regaining of the Avatar state did not really seem to come about through intentional action of his own. After he goes down at the end of Book 2, sorta feels like they never even talk about him going into the Avatar state again and he doesn’t until the final moment. That moment doesn’t seem a conscious choice on his part; the scar on his back collides with a rock jutting out and seems to jolt him into the Avatar state. I would have liked to see a little more agency on his part in regards to the Avatar state. 

Sokka

My boy! My boy Sokka! Truly the mother of the group. IDK why they pretended in the beginning that Katara was the mom because it’s definitely Sokka. His maps! His scheduling! He is ridiculous and I love him for it. 

I adored that he got his own training master episode! He got to learn some sword stuff and even got to make a fancy space sword! Everyone else got super powerful with their bending and I’m glad Sokka got his own arc of self-improvement. He has come a LONG way from episode 1. He couldn’t really hold his own at all that early, and now look at him! Planning battle strategies! Taking down the Fire Lord’s air fleet! He’s come so far and I’m so proud!

Oh, you know, I just realized that I didn’t really talk about ships with Sokka in Book 2 but he did continue to have the most active romance arc. It was nice to see Suki return in Book 2, and I am glad we found out what happened to her. I liked Sokka and Suki, I have nothing against it. I was very surprised that so little happened with Toph and Sokka. There did seem to be moments where it seemed like Toph might actually harbor a crush on Sokka, but nothing came of it and she certainly didn’t say anything about it. That felt a little odd to me. Why hint at something but then make nothing of it? 

Katara

Sigh. This is early in the post, but probably one of the last parts of it that I’m actually writing. I’ve definitely been putting it off. Unfortunately most of what I have to say about Katara is about shipping, and I’m really not happy about that, but then it’s what comes to mind over anything else. Which is sort of ironic considering some of her lines in the theater episode...

So in the theatre episode, Aang confronts Katara about how nothing has happened in their relationship after they kissed. She responds by saying she is “confused.” I had some issues with the script here, to be honest. It seems to imply that she’s confused about her feelings for Aang. But she also says that she’s been more focused on the war, and that totally makes sense. I really would support this moment if that’s where they left it: “I don’t have time to think about romance, my mind is preoccupied with the war.” 

But no, they say she is “confused.”

This is pretty baffling to me, and honestly seems to come out of nowhere. Book 1 it was very obvious that both Katara and Aang have feelings for each other, and Book 2 might have backed off a little from that but then we get moments where Katara is so keyed in to Aang’s struggles with the Avatar state and also the only one who can bring him out of it. Now, all of a sudden, she is saying she is confused? Where is this coming from? 

I could definitely see people argue that it’s because she has feelings for Zuko. If I shipped them (I don’t, but I also Get It), I could point to numerous moments in the series as ‘clues/support’ for this ship. Zuko and Katara have a moment at the end of Book 2 where they talk about the loss of their mothers. (“We’re both sad about what happened to our mothers!” not really a foundation for a relationship, but Katara is the most betrayed and distrustful of Zuko when it comes to the idea of letting him join their crew and it is because of this moment. She obviously begins to feel some kind of connection — I’d argue platonic but ship and let ship.) 

And yeah, Zuko and Katara have their bonding adventure, but again I don’t think this has to be read as romantic. Clearly the idea here is that Zuko “understands” a part of Katara that Aang doesn’t — except that in the end, Aang is the one who is right about her. She cannot give in to revenge. It’s not her, and Aang knows that. I mean, they’re both right — Katara had go to on the journey to learn that about herself, and it was important that Zuko was the one who helped her. But still. 

Finally Zuko and Katara go together to face Azula. Again seems like plot is pushing them together for Tension. They definitely work together here and Katara heals him and all that but she’d have healed anyone. (Like yeah if you ship it of course you’re gonna be excited over those moments.)

But.

Like. The thing is. When the dust settles? Zuko and Mai return to each other like moths to a flame. I could believe that Katara might have had feelings for Zuko, but I don’t think he ever returned them. I think it was always Mai for him. 

I don’t really want to fan the flames of ship wars — I’m trying to walk a fine line of “I totally understand why people ship this, but I don’t,” and hopefully I’m succeeding, but I’m sorry if I’m not. 

My main gripe is how the show handled this dynamic. It seemed like they half-heartedly thought about creating a love triangle, but then they didn’t follow through. I don’t particularly like love triangles, so I’m not actually mad that there wasn’t one. But what bothers me is that the Aang and Katara moments are so heavy handed in the beginning, that a sudden subtle take on how Katara feels in Book 3 feels strange. It feels like if she was having feelings for Zuko, it should have been more blatant. The depictions are inconsistent — if the writers were even ever intending for Katara to have feelings for Zuko in the first place.

Like, I really can’t tell if those moments implying Zuko and Katara were intentionally trying to start a love triangle OR if it was just sort of a mistake OR if it was maybe creators trying to address and then negate Zuko and Katara as a ship? I mean it’s weird because the play episode really emphasizes Zuko and Katara but then that play is really supposed to be all levels of inaccurate and get under the characters’ skins. 

So, I don’t know. Obviously we all bring different interpretations to a piece of media and I am by no means saying anything here is a “correct opinion” (because I hate that attitude when it comes to story interpretations). Sorry if you don’t agree, hope I didn’t make anyone mad. Ship what you like! You do you, man. 

On that note, please see further disclaimers about shipping and canon at the end of the “Zuko and Mai” section below.

Toph

Loved how Toph was the first to warm up to Zuko. It made a lot of sense. I mean obviously they were looking for a fire bender to teach Aang and it was like “Hello, powerful fire bender on a silver platter!” but also, Toph is someone who joined the crew later on. The group had to adjust to her, and she probably knows what it feels like to be an outsider. Now, granted, she was never alienated from the group in the same way that Zuko (rightfully) was. But she can also understand Zuko’s position as someone who comes from a wealthy family, the sort of pressure that comes from that. None of this was really addressed explicitly, and it might not have really fit then and there, but it was what I was thinking as she was standing up for Zuko.

Um, and also, on that note? Huge bummer Toph did not get her special bonding adventure with Zuko. Toph, I’m with you on that one! Why did Sokka get two episodes for his? 

Zuko

No “& Iroh” on this post because — Iroh spent much of this season in jail, and then the next half just ??? who knows where. 

So, I believe I stated in the last post how shocked I was at Zuko’s betrayal. Knowing he eventually joins Aang’s crew, it seemed like his time in the prison with Katara would ultimately lead to that, and then NOPE! He has this nice heart to heart about his mother, and then… it really shocked me.

But.

As I watched this season, it became clear that this has to be Zuko’s journey. He has to go back to the Fire Nation. He has to win the approval of his father. He has to get everything he wants in order to realize that it really isn’t what he wants. This is integral to his ultimate revelation and redemption and he couldn’t have stayed truly good without verifying and knowing how empty the win of his father’s approval is.

Realizing this, I loved it and appreciated the moments we get. Zuko’s visits to Iroh. Even when Zuko is being cruel, you can see how hurt and lost he is. And Iroh gives him the cold shoulder he deserves, even though of course this is breaking Iroh’s heart, too. 

Now, I absolutely must discuss the Fire Kids Beach Party episode! Because as ridiculous as parts of it are, it provides such an important and necessary insight to all four characters (Zuko, Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee). You see the privilege that they’re all used to, it’s good that no one knows who they all are. (although maybe a little surprising because Zuko’s scar certainly reveals who he is but anyways.) 

and it’s funny how you almost end up rooting for them before you’re like “no no no. they are bad people doing some bad things.” I mean, almost rooting for them. And sure, the campfire scene is a bit Breakfast Club-y but I do think it’s important. And I just loved the moment Zuko admits he’s angry at himself, how his burst of fire as he says it almost covers it up, it’s so hard for him to say. Fabulous character development going on here, fabulous. 

[Uh, side note, so apparently Zuko is descended from Avatar Roku! This is ridiculous but can we get Zuko calling Aang great-grandfather, mainly to get on his nerves?! O:-) this would amuse me greatly]

And GOSH the catharsis when Zuko finally realizes his father’s approval is not what he wants and not worth it! It’s so well earned. It’s so satisfying. I was so excited and just like, so anticipating Zuko going to meet up with the crew. Zuko practicing his speech in the woods to the frog? Amazing. Endearing. I love him so much. 

And despite that and because of it, I also loved how difficult it was for him to earn their trust. It had to be difficult. It would not be believable if it wasn’t. Every character regarded him exactly as you would expect them to, exactly as he deserved. And Zuko tried so hard to be sincere and contrite, and it was hard for him, but he was doing pretty well all things considered! And still, they distrusted him. Yes. This was good and right. And I loved it. 

AND ANOTHER THING I LOVED was that once that initial barrier was surpassed, Aang actually warmed up to Zuko pretty quickly. This is not surprising; he’d reached out to Zuko in the past. First when Zuko (masked) rescues him, and Aang says they could have been friends. Later, at the end of Book 1 when Zuko again kidnaps him, there’s just a moment… I think when Aang spares him. It’s like, my impression is that Aang can sense that their destinies are connected, and he’s not really sure how but he knows that Zuko is important. Also, I mean, Aang just doesn’t kill people and revenge is not his way. 

Each character getting their own side story with Zuko was also integral to his arc — perhaps moreso, theirs, though. Because it was necessary for them to overcome their distrust and forge the bonds necessary for the Avatar’s crew to function. Bummed he didn’t get one with Toph. Toph was robbed.

And side note, but I really would have like an Aang and Sokka bonding episode? Like, Book 1 is all Aang and Katara and Sokka, but some 1:1 time would have been nice. There was almost a chance when Aang flew Sokka to his father and the water tribe (and at the time I was like, “Oh? Aang and Sokka bonding?!”) But then it was really only a few minutes. But yeah, that said, it does make sense to focus on carving out 1:1 time for Zuko and each member of the crew to ease him into the group.

Sokka: You happy now?

Zuko: I’m never happy.

This made me sad. And also made me go “classic Zuko.”

Every time Zuko was like, “What would uncle say?” And then say the most ridiculous thing? Fantastic. Amazing. Fuel for the fire that was my love for this show.

Zuko and Mai

Mainly the Beach Party episode was important in helping me warm up to Mai. Once Zuko is back in the Fire Nation and they’re together, I was of the mindset that Mai would have to do something pretty big in order for me to enjoy seeing their relationship become canon. This episode is not that episode, but it is an important insight into Mai’s character that explains some of her actions. The fact that she’s basically internalized apathy because she’s been forced to repress her emotions. It wasn’t enough for me but we get more later, this is an important stepping stone. 

It’s also important in establishing just what Zuko and Mai’s dynamic is. It’s a bit shaky in this and they end up breaking up but then they just get back together like immediately (moths to a flame…) In hindsight, I just think they’re behaving like normal teens who care about each other but are still navigating what it means to be in a relationship. At this moment in time, their relationship is not good, but by the end of the show I can believe as they mature that it could be a good relationship.

So the actual moment that I was like, “Okay, officially supporting Mai and Zuko now” was when she helps them escape Boiling Rock. I don’t think we’re ever told the full contents of Zuko’s letter to her, but considering what she says to Zuko earlier in this episode, it doesn’t seem likely he explains himself very well. At least not for Mai to understand. And he still isn’t able to explain himself well to her as they talk face to face. Then he locks in a cell and flees! He leaves her again. 

You wouldn’t blame Mai for hating Zuko. You wouldn’t blame her for actively working against him. But is this what happens? No. Not at all. She helps them get away. She betrays Azula for Zuko. Azula!!! Azula who is very powerful and very scary! This is a clear and distinct line in the sand, and … it almost comes out of nowhere, but what it demonstrates is how she really feels about him. She’s decided to trust him and put her faith in him when she really would have been justified in not doing so. 

I’m also going to say that despite some rather odd implications of Zuko and Katara in parts of the series (namely with other characters who really don’t know them), I never feel like Zuko is interested in Katara. I would buy interpretations that Katara might have considered Zuko, the way some parts of her story are portrayed, but I don’t get anything on Zuko’s side and that is all the more reinforced by how he acts around Mai, especially in the end of the series when they’re reunited. 

(Now, that said — because I don’t abide ship wars, ship and let ship, and power to multi-shippers — I can totally 100% see the appeal of shipping Zuko and Katara, and I would contend there is even some canonical implication of it. And I can’t blame people for not totally loving Zuko and Mai. Now, I do think the canonical implications are sort of muddied and confusing, but though I have actually not written it yet, you’ll have read my thoughts there in the Katara section already. OH, and OF COURSE, MORE IMPORTANTLY — ships being canon should not matter! Ship what you love! Who cares if it’s canon! Finding canon justification for ships should not be necessary for shipping! It can be a fun exercise but should never ever be a reason for approving or disapproving of a ship, it’s just a cherry on top!)

Azula

We get some pretty interesting insights into her character this season. I’ve already mentioned the Beach Party episode, and there was some good stuff in there for her. I particularly appreciated the moment that she admitted she knew her mother thought she was a monster, that she even admitted to being a monster, and then admitted that it still hurt anyways. Honestly that’s probably her best moment.

I also thought her breakdown at the end was well done. Mai and Ty Lee’s betrayal just broke her. She probably knows her attitude puts people off, but those two were the only ones she ever really got on with. And it turns out, she really didn’t get on with them, they’d only ever been intimidated and manipulated into being her friends. She has no one, she pushes everyone away. Literally — and it is ultimately her downfall. 

It’s an interesting contrast to her brother. We literally get an episode “Zuko Alone,” and then it turns out the theme of “Azula Alone” is such an integral part of her arc, as well. The last person she has is her father, and he leaves her, too. Sure, he tells her it’s because she’s to stay behind as the new Fire Lord, but honestly Ozai was never truly close to anyone, either. But yeah. Iroh spends a lot of time and effort trying to help Zuko redeem himself. He never tries with Azula? I think, maybe it would have been nice to see him try with her, and be just utterly rebuffed. Now, Zuko also rebuffed him a lot, too. So Azula’s rejection of Iroh would really have to be something. This is the kind of stuff I’d look for in fic. Speaking of fic: I mean, I’d really love Zuko to find his mom, mom to come back, and then maybe some kind of attempt at reparations between mom and Azula. It doesn’t have to work, I just want to see the effort, you know?

Final Thoughts: Ending & Denouement

I loved Aang finding a different way to defeat the Fire Lord. I loved how every past Avatar he talked to was like “no dude just kill him.” And I loved that that was not enough for Aang. He’s pushing himself and ultimately the spirit of the Avatar to think harder, to try harder, to seek a different way. And that mercy was so integral to Aang’s character, and important to his arc that he struggled so much with it. And he’s just a kid! Oh, Aang. And I loved that he was able to find the answer he needed, the fact that it was taking away Ozai’s fire bending. Yes. Perfection.

I was a little disappointed by how little we got post-Ozai’s defeat. I was hoping the epilogue might have shown a little more in the years and decades following. It would have been nice to see glimpses of everyone prospering as they got older. 

Also, as I was watching Zuko’s coronation, I was sorta like, “uhh wait that’s a little too easy.” Now we don’t know when that happens so it’s possible some bit of time has lapsed and I’ll take that. But I thought there would have still been some trouble with some of the Fire Nation troops. Some of them would have remained loyal to Ozai. Many of those general had probably committed war crimes and would have needed to be rounded up and put on trial and put in prison. There’d be so much work to do!

That said, I do understand that we want to see our heroes with a happy ending, ultimately. I guess just a simple like “X years later” before the ending scenes would have sufficed for me to be satisfied that enough time had passed for those things to have been dealt with. IDK, I can probably suspend disbelief enough to headcanon that myself. I’m just saying. Some acknowledgement of resolution and reconstruction as a *process over time*, albeit unnecessary, would have been nice to have!

On that note, we don’t actually find out what happens to Azula. Presumably she is also in prison with her father. 

More importantly, we were Robbed of a Zuko and Ursa reunion scene!

[shibalen]

[1/3] Hi~ May I pls request a Magi + KnY romantic male matchup? I'm a 5'0 hetero fem. I love to draw & sing especially! (I sing opera & I wanna be a voice teacher) I often take endless pics of the sunset and sea bc it's so pretty. I dislike bossy ppl. Quirk: I have a red birthmark on my arm shaped like Alaska lol! To strangers, I'm quiet, shy, friendly, and kind of a loner bc I'm rlly awkward (plus I value my time alone) I easily open up to funny ppl tho.

[2/3] In private, I'm more chill, funny & playful, especially w/ family. I can joke around them a lot. I have a short temper but I forgive just as quickly. I tend to smile or laugh a lot if I'm feeling embarrassed, sometimes I feel stupid for doing so :( I can be hard on myself yet I feel it's necessary to improve. I'm an appreciative person so I'll say thank you like 1000 times lol! I like to be straightforward in relationships even tho I still may be shy. I highly value family & honesty.

[3/3] I'd prefer a s/o who is family-oriented, devoted & genuine. It'd be great if they have a sense of humor too! I'd be the type to sing softly to my s/o while we're alone and close together. Maybe try to lull them to sleep, hehe! Thank you so much! Sorry it was so long, please take your time! I appreciate your hard work! Stay safe and healthy!! (*´︶`*)ﾉ"=͟͟͞͞♡

♡︎ matchup for @ne-nene-ne

bonjour! omg we sound so much alike? idk maybe it's just me? hehe

anyhowdies, thank you for your patience and popping up in my notifications so often! here is your mauchup~

|| magi: i match you with . . .

koumei ren

• since Koumei is not fond of loud and lively people, he would love all of your qualities! you're quiet but still easy to get along with, playful but value family as much as he. someone as well-balanced is a good match for him.

• he completely understands the habit of being hard on oneself. i feel like he's like that as well (hence all those hours of work) while he can appreciate your need to improve, he never fails to check up on you, ensuring you're not being overly critical of yourself.

• you wish he could do the same for himself because the words 'enough sleep' and 'self care' do not apparently belong into this man's vocabulary. you gotta gently remind him to eat and take a bath.

• also pls lull him to sleep, he needs it. all those late nights planning military strategies have done their part so your heavenly voice is the only thing that can put him at ease.

• you can just be talking and he already finds himself relaxing.

• he's eternally grateful to you for coming into his life ♡︎

• Komei is incredibly devoted and would never dream of betraying you. if he comes back late, know he was not out doing anything unfaithful but once again got emerged in planning tactics.

• he knows you get angry at him sometimes for it so he will try to make it up to you by any means!

• your first meeting was at an arranged marriage. your arranged marriage. it was something neither of you wanted at first and honestly it was pretty awkward with both of you being more reserved (ーー;)

• it wasn't until you bumped into each other in the drawing room that you began talking about your shared interests and growing closer.

• since then drawing became reserved for spending quality time together and relaxing.

• Koumei got a tad insecure though when he realised he had fallen in love with you although you were already married. he knew he was inferior when it came to appearances and quite sloppy in mannerisms compared to his brothers, poor thing.

• thankfully you caught onto that quite quickly and reassured him you loved him just the way he was ♡( ◡‿◡ )

• for someone so smart Koumei had no idea what to do except stand there with butterflies in his stomach and heart warming up so much the heat reached to his cheeks.

• he may appear like a gentleman, but once you've gotten past that layer you'll find out he has quite the sense of humor.

• you can joke around with him all you want as long as it's about nothing too inappropriate. you should also expect some light-hearted teasing, hehe

• i'm sorry to say this but occasionally your height will be targeted, he can't help but rest his hand on your head. it's cute, it's vulnerable, it's free real estate!

• if you get annoyed by this he'll just feign innocence . . .

• "could you stop using me as your armrest?"

• "armrest? what are you talking about? i am simply expressing my love for you through physical affection, my dear :)"

• more than teasing though, Koumei likes complimenting you. he will ruffle your hair affectionately, tell you what a good job you've done, how pretty you you look. you might think it's just flattery but rest assured all of these come from his heart!

• look no further because Koumei will use his status to show you the most beautiful sceneries in Kou.

• sunsets from high towers, a wide view of the ocean from imperial ships. when you've got a bit more time he'll carry you through the skies at twilight with his djin equip.

• sneaky bastard might just do a few stunts to have you cling onto him tighter (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

• he prefers staying indoors during his free time so he'd be more than happy to listen to you practice opera singing.

• sometimes he goes outside to feed pidgeons and invites you along. those are such peaceful moments when you can talk about your worries or just admire how nice the weather is.

• Koumei lowkey prays you won't get into fights with Kouen or Kouha because they're both really bossy and you have a short temper.

• but because family is important for them as well, you'll learn to get by. he's so happy.

• though when will you start to think about having your own family? that's a question for later date because at the moment all Koumei wants is to live a happy, comfortable life with you ♡︎

runner up: Alibaba Saluja

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

|| kimetsu no yaiba: i match you with . . .

tanjirō kamado

• you guys have such matching sweetheart energies that i had to put you together!

• you also have the same values of family and honesty which makes your relationship all the stronger. you both respect each other and there is nothing but trust in your communication.

• your first meeting happened when you were teamed up together for a mission along with Zenitsu and Inosuke. Zenitsu immediately, of course, got googly eyed for you and feral boy Inosuke wanted to fight you.

• you started feeling awkward with so much going on but Tanjirō quickly got them to give you space.

• he approached you so kindly, understanding you were shy in this new situation.

• it took little time for you to open up to the Kamaboko gang, seeing as how bizarre they are, but Tanjirō was special from the beginning. needless to say, he was curious about you as well |ω-o)

• you two hit it off so well and continued to hang out after the mission. he never pressured you to talk and his patience felt almost godsent. with every new bit he learnt about you Tanjirō found himself becoming more and more enamoured with you.

• he finds your playful yet relaxed mannerisms so pleasant. you're like his sanctuary whenever he needs a break from the restless world around him. he knows he can tell you everything and anything and you'll listen.

• Tanjirō absolutely loves pampering you! you're such a lovely person that all he wants is to make sure you receive back all the positivity that you spread around.

• he won't judge you for your short temper, i mean he's friends with Inosuke after all. he'll only ever look at you with sweet, loving eyes.

• if you do have a small argument, you both end up apologising a million times and laughing cause neither of you will stop saying sorry. it's the cutest thing.

• Tanjirō is a bit on the serious side, and it's canon that he's insecure about the trait. it would be so wholesome if you taught him how to loosen up and joke around!

• he'd be clumsy at it at first but gradually get the hang of it.

• his jokes would still be so bad, poor child. you think it's really adorable though and laugh anyway ♡︎

• that proud twinkle in his eyes when he sees he succeeded making you smile is just— asdfghjk so full of love

• will assure you there is never anything wrong with laughing or smiling. your laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds to him so be prepared for a lot of silly jokes.

• please teach this boy to draw, i'm begging

• you and Nezuko are basically like siblings already. Tanjirō's heart swells every time he finds you with Nezuko, braiding her hair, singing to her or even simply giving her headpats.

• it's during times like those especially that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life together with you.

• won't not brag about it aloud but Tanjirō likes he's the only person that get to hear you sing (aside from Nezuko) it's like your little secret, something that's reserved for him alone

• Zenitsu always grits his teeth seeing what lovebirds you are. though you were both a little shy about it at first, there is almost always some physical affection between you: hand holding, leaning against each other, cute, fluttering kisses.

• his favourite places to kiss you are your forehead and lips. he may get a bit flustered if you do it to him though but that's because he's so happy ♡︎

• !sharing cool scar/birthmark stories!

• "see, it looks like Alaska!"

• ". . . what's an Alaska? is it an animal?"

• "no, it's a land, silly. a very faraway land."

• "oh, i see! we should go there together some day. it'll be great!"

• your dates include many walks and picnics in the forest. he wants to show you all the best views of sunsets and oceans there are!

• i know this sounds corny but Tanjirō will 100% gaze at you instead while you're admiring the scenery. your reaction is just so precious and you look absolutely stunning in the soft light. you can't really blame him for being smitten ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

• he will remind you every day how dear you are to him. with daily but meaningful displays of affection, Tanjirō lets you know he will never leave your side ♡︎

runner up: Kyōjuro Rengoku

i hope you enjoyed! i admit i haven't seen magi in ages so i don't know how well it turned out ㆆ﹏ㆆ but thank you for the kind wishes, and make sure to take time off to breathe ♡︎

[muthaz-rapapa]

Hope is the Pioneer

Truly, I feel that I can’t say this enough but despite its flaws, StarPre has been such a wonderful season for me in so many ways.

And perhaps the most important one is what this final episode wanted to tell us.

Hope is what paves the way to the future.

Immediately starting with Yuni getting her planet and people back.

She’s been through so much to reclaim her home and her efforts are finally rewarded.

However, it is so important to remember that this miracle didn’t come about because she tricked the universe behind the mask of an idol or that she used her skills to steal from others whatever she needed to achieve her goal, without a care for who she harmed when she did.

The revival of the Planet Rainbow can’t be credited to the mysterious powers of “Twinkle Imagination” either, which Yuni willingly gave up in the end even though keeping it for herself would’ve fixed her planet in a blink.

Rather, the miracle was brought on by Yuni letting go of her prejudices and opening her heart to those who truly respect and accept her for who she is.

This led to Yuni finding the strength within her to be able to forgive Aiwarn, the person who caused her the most pain, which then helped Aiwarn realize the error of her own ways and show sincere remorse by aiding Yuni in finding a cure for the petrification of the Rainbownians.

Had Yuni continued only on the path of a phantom thief, distrusting everyone around her and only relying on herself, who knows how much longer it would’ve taken her to get here? Or if it would’ve been possible for her to reach it at all?

But the point is, Yuni outgrew what would’ve held her back. She threw away what limited her (resentment, suspicions, hostility) and instead chose to cooperate with others to save what was most important to her.

And she succeeded.

Then we have Lala, who’s gone back home after the battle.

No longer is she the neglected scorn of her community or the unfavorite within her household.

The fact that she wants to get back to work right away in order to help better Saaman, the reaction her parents give on not wanting her to leave so soon and that they were even making onigiri to eat together (!!) speak volumes of how gigantic a change her planet is undergoing.

An extremely good change, at that.

Saamanians are no longer overly relying on technology, even though it provided them with so much convenience before.

It’s not just about “Lala style” being the new trend.

Everybody wants to be able to walk on their own two feet now. Regardless of how harder it’ll be for them, at least they can live more freely this way.

They want to live freely like what Lala has learned to do, like what Lala is teaching them how to do.

People don’t have to be assigned and divided by aptitude evaluations anymore. They can chose what they want to do and what they want to be of their own will.

Had Lala not left Saaman in hopes of finding something better for herself, been influenced by her time on Earth and brought back that experience to share with her people, can we say Saaman could’ve removed their attachment to the system they made as the crux of their society?

I don’t think so.

Lala and Yuni’s world are changing, evolving, because they let themselves wish for something even better than what they could’ve imagine.

Yes, them. The girls whose imaginations were stated by the 12 Star Princesses to be even stronger than theirs, the creators of the universe itself!

And that’s just the beginning.

Fast forward several years later, MICHELLE OBAMA has become president of the USA!! HELL YEA, BABY!!! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و

Sorry, I just needed to say that, hee~ :D

Now back to the real important stuff...

The first girl we hear, not see, is post-timeskip is Elena.

And just by that, we already know she not only accomplished her dream of becoming a translator like her mom but she’s gone above and beyond by becoming the person tasked with the job of interpreting foreign news for the entire country of Japan!

What. An. Honor.

Seriously, an international broadcast of a monumental event happening for the nation and she’s at the forefront of that crew covering it. Such an incredibly happy and proud moment, one that other countries want to share their congratulations and well wishes for and Elena is the one chosen to help do just that.

Elena is helping bring smiles on so many fronts like the brilliant sun she is.

Her, a biracial woman of color.

Simply. Amazing. *claps* x3

Then of course, we have our beautiful moon.

Madoka, too, has reached taller heights.

Like her father, she’s become the leader of a very important force, fulfilling and continuing the esteemed Kaguya legacy as she’s always been expected to.

Unlike her father, however, whose (previous) job as a government official was to search for, expose and expel aliens, Madoka is now the head of a project that’s the first, but crucial, step to establishing connections with worlds beyond Earth.

In other words, proactively engaging and forming friendship with the aliens.

And in the face of her father, now Prime Minister, she is nothing but composed and confident.

In her team, in their efforts, in herself.

Again, so different from the Madoka at the beginning of the season who couldn’t even smile from the bottom of her heart until her friends taught her how.

Now she’s out there breaking down barriers in hopes that they can reach even further, to create more relationships like her own. Relationships that can bring so many benefits to Earth and still withstand even the distance of space.

Short-term goals, long-term goals. There’s still so much for Madoka to do.

But when you look at her expression, you can tell that she is nothing but sure in her ability to make them a reality.

That positive outlook not only shaped her but also, I believe, changed her father as well.

For once, it’s Madoka who’s teaching him instead of the other way around.

To not think so restrictedly and to let things come into their own potential rather than controlling them.

If it weren’t Madoka rebelling against him those years ago so that she could find her own way to become the person she is, I doubt things could’ve turned out as well as they did, including him becoming Prime Minister and smiling proudly at her, no less.

Madoka has achieved so many things and will go on to do even more and he’s incredibly proud of her.

Next, the star that never stopped shining, Hikaru.

Let me just say that becoming an astronaut at a major space program must not be an easy feat.

Getting selected to be part of the crew who gets to go space, even more so.

But if we know anyone who can do it, it’d be Hikaru.

Hikaru who’s so passionate about the things she loves, who fervently admires space more than anyone, who wants to know all about the unknown there is to discover out there.

Hikaru, who has a promise to keep with her best friend who’s waiting for her.

Did we expect any less of her?

Certainly not.

She’s made it and she’s coming back to space!

Light years away, said best friend is still waiting but also searching for ways to get back to Earth.

During that time, Lala also climbed ranks of her own, becoming an inspector-of-sorts for the Starscape Alliance and traveling among planets, checking their conditions and reporting them back to her superiors. Making sure the cosmos are in order and so on.

Fortunately, she is not alone as she has Yuni to share her feelings with since they fought alongside together before. 

The two Cures from other worlds.

It’s nice to have someone who understands you in that way, which is why I have at least one reason to be glad that Yuni was integrated into the team as the mid-season Cure.

As for Yuni, I suspect she seldom leaves her planet and has her own busy schedule on trying to make it more habitable to live in.

Thanks to Aiwarn, who may or may not have taken up permanent residence there (and really rocking that haircut), it’s no longer just a possibility anymore and the prospects are growing day by day.

Although I still can’t say I care much for her, I think it’s super nice the Rainbownians have welcomed her among them as Aiwarn had always wandered as a lost child in need of a home and the lack of one is probably why she became so vile and unstable in the first place. With that no longer a concern, she can put her brains to better uses.

On another note, there is no indication whether or not Planet Rainbow has joined the Alliance themselves but I’m pretty certain Lala’s been specially assigned to communicating with them anyway (thanks to her friendship with Yuni) so at least the relation is much more amiable than it was before, even if Rainbow chose to remain independent.

In short, everything’s well on this side of the universe.

A fact further supported by the Notraiders having a planet of their own to call home.

And what a beautiful star it is.

Everything’s flourishing and in bloom. A far cry from their previous headquarters which was perpetually dark and barren.

The facts that the Notraiders themselves made this planet beautiful through their own teamwork and that it was the Starscape Alliance who gave them this planet make it exceptionally more heartwarming in hindsight.

Because remember, these poor souls didn’t have a place to belong. Their previous homes either were destroyed or rejected them.

And then they had their sense of loss twisted and manipulated by Ophiuchus, resulting in them doing bad deeds.

For that, one would expect them to be thrown in jail, maybe even for life. But instead, they’re forgiven and sympathized with.

One would probably expect that they’d want revenge on Ophiuchus as well but instead of chasing after her, they focused all their energy and efforts into making a home for themselves.

Rather than punishment, a second chance. 

Rather than destruction, creation.

So exactly what point am I trying to make here?

Well, I believe that word “hope” means so much more than what we think it really is.

Hope is not just simply having aspirations and dreams. It’s not the good to counter the “evil” of despair.

Hope is something even broader, more difficult, more terrifying and of course, more magnificent than its basic definition.

It’s a sentiment we all share for wanting see a better tomorrow. 

A tomorrow where we can have more than what we have today.

Like the world becoming more innovative, more progressive.

More peaceful and forgiving.

Supportive, understanding and accepting.

Kinder and closer together than we are now.

But tomorrow is also full of unknowns, doubts and questions.

What if it’s not worth it?

What if the world won’t let me be what I want to be?

What if I’m rejected or shunned? What if no one accepts me?

What if I get hurt?

That fear will always be there and it’s indisputable there’ll come a time when you will get hurt because no one lives without being hurt, after all.

From that, you’ll learn what anger, sadness and misery feels like. It’ll either make you want to hide or lash out to protect yourself. It’ll feel like everything’s stopped at that point and you’re stuck there, not knowing what to do next.

But still, there’s always a choice for you to make.

You can decide whether to stay as you are or try to move again.

That is not to say those feelings of helplessness will be invalidated if you choose the latter. Nor does it mean you shouldn’t have felt them in the first place or give up on your cautions entirely.

Rather, it’s because you have those feelings that you can move on from them. To shed them for something better and greater.

“I may be afraid but I don’t want to be afraid forever. I want to face the world with my head held up high.”

“I’ve been hurt and I don’t think I can forgive. But there is something that means even more to me than that.”

“If nobody wants me, if there’s no place for me, then I just have to make a place for myself to be who I am!”

Hope is not guaranteed success.

It won’t always give you the results you want, no matter how strongly you wish for it, and may even bring you down worse than you thought it would.

But without hope, without imagination, then there is no future or possibilities. There is only nothing.

It’s because there’s imagination that worlds and universes can exist. It’s because there is the unknown that we have the desire to know more and become more than what we are now. It’s because there’s hope for us to cling onto that we can always strive to move forward.

All it boils down to is whether or not you’ll let your hopes be hindered by whatever blocks your path.

Be it hesitations, criticism or negativity in any form.

But once you overcome that, the outcome may be even more kirayaba than you could’ve ever imagined.

That’s all, folks! Thanks for reading! :)

[btsfan15]

Interview

Interviewer: I am here with the biggest K-Pop boy band in the world, BTS! And with their friend, Navya!

*everyone claps*

Interviewer: Thank you guys so much for coming.

RM: Of course.

Interviewer: Have a seat.

*everyone sits on the couch*

Me: Oh, there’s no more space for Jin.

Jin: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just squeeze next to Navya.

*sits down next to me*

*everyone laughs*

Interviewer: Welcome, guys. So, what’s it like being popular all over the world with thousands of fans?

RM: It’s really amazing. ARMY is so nice and sweet to us and they’re always supporting us.

V: We want ARMY to be happy through our music, and we will be there for you, with love.

Interviewer: ARMY is very lucky to have you guys. You make such amazing music. There’s so much positivity that you guys and ARMY bring to the world. Why is this message important to you?

Jin: It’s all because of ARMYs. They always give us positive energies. 

Jungkook: ARMY! Thank you for all the love. We can’t wait to surprise ARMY with a great show and let’s get it!

Interviewer: How do you feel being on stage and performing at the AMA’s?

RM: Everything is surreal. *laughs*

Interviewer: The AMA's is well known as the most American and as one of the major awards along with Grammys and the Billboard. A singer having the presence and the invitation to perform at the AMA must be meaningful. I am sure there’s something more to it than “feeling unreal.” What else can you share with us?

J-Hope: I’ve grown up watching the AMA's on television. To be able to perform at the AMA's, especially in front of all our fans here, it definitely was an unbelievable experience. It was a great honor to be here and it’ll be great to have another chance to perform here at the AMA's, in front of our fans. I’d like to thank our fans again for their continuous love and support.

RM: As you mentioned, AMA's is the most American, yet one of the major awards. I also agree that AMA has a great reputation. We definitely felt throughout the process that AMA has put a great thought and consideration in inviting us to perform on stage, not just introducing as "some strange kids from Asia". AMA made us feel like we were part of the award ceremony in many ways, such as having the The Chainsmokers introduce us and in terms of the order of performances. We were the 16th out of the 17 performers, performing right before Diana Ross, who won AMA’s Lifetime Achievement Award. Many details that were prepared by the AMA's made us feel welcomed and we really felt that they prepared a lot for us, taking the time in getting to know us, as well as showing respect to us as artists.

Interviewer: Starting with the Billboard Award in May and now your presence at the AMA's show that BTS suddenly is on a continuous rise. How do you feel?

Jin: We only got our first big win at the Mnet Asian Music Award in Korea last year. We all hugged and cried. I still cannot believe one year has not yet passed since that day. Over the year, we won a Billboard award and performed on the AMA stage. We debuted four years ago, but so much has happened during these years. Events like winning the Billboard award and performing at the AMA's happened so fast.

RM: Twitter is our main social media platform and it is very easy for us to use. We had five million followers six months ago, but now we have over ten million followers. (BTS has around ten point three million followers, which is the greatest number of followers in Twitter's Korea accounts). We have used social media for five years, and suddenly the followers doubled within the span of less than six months. Also, the 'Billboard Hot 100 chart' is the chart that every artists in the world dreams of entering. (BTS's song DNA, released in September as title track of the new album, entered the chart on no. 85. It is the second time a Korean song entered the chart after Psy's Gangnam Style). To be able to debut on the AMA's is an honor that is totally surreal and all of this is 100% due to our fans who made it possible. We have never seen a such fandom before. *laughs* 

Interviewer: BTS has a lot of characteristics. One of them is that you pick a topic and create a series off of the topic such as 'School Trilogy' or the 'Youth Series'. In the process, the growing story of each BTS member becomes the core content. This correlates into the meaning that BTS's own growth is equivalent to BTS's musical content. Do you think that these stories matches the ones of your real life? And if yes, how much do they match up with your real life?

Suga: I cannot say that our lyrics are 100% based on our experiences. But our experiences are very well-embedded in the songs. We try to tell our generation's story through our songs.

RM: Our debut song was 'No More Dream'. If you listen that song, you realize the lyric "Hey, what is your dream?" keeps repeating through-out the song. At that time, my friends were about twenty years old and most of my friends were ones with no dreams. I was very angry and frustrated to see these friends because I just could not understand why they didn’t have any dreams. I tried to convey my emotion through the lyrics. In that way, our lyrics tell the life story of teenagers and now my peers. It makes them easy to listen and relate to. The song 'Danger' also expresses such hardships. However, when we released song 'I Need You', we got so many new fans. It seems they understood title of the song. *laughs*

Interviewer: Some people said that using social media is one of the reasons why you have succeeded. I wonder, what was your plan when you started making video content like the Bangtan Bombs?

Jin: With the Bangtan Bombs we take videos of our lives and upload them without any editing. When we shoot the videos, we try to do funny things. But we don't edit anything. Uploading videos weekly is really hard to do, so we try to keep the videos simple. But it seems that our fans really enjoy these uploads from our everyday life.

Suga: In the past, I did not like social media very much. When I started doing social media, I was afraid of the risks. But in doing it, I think that the most important thing is to show my natural self to the fans. Cool, cute and handsome looks can be seen on TV or other media, but the fans are curious about the rest. The Bangtan Bombs are closely related to our daily life and shows what's happening behind the surface. We really have befriended social media. We don't look at it like work at all. We just upload whenever we want. And the upload cycle is fast. Maybe this is why fans like our social media accounts.

Jimin: Fans say that we use social media a lot, but in fact, since we all use one account it seems like we use it more often. *laughs* This is one of the advantages of using one account all together.

Suga: If we use one account, we can be seen as a team so many more times over.

RM: These days, all of us do social media a lot. I think it is natural for us to do it, not as work but because we want to upload for our fans.

V: We have uploaded over one million posts on Twitter since our debut. So far, we have released over one hundred songs. Sometimes I look at our songs and melodies and feel regretful and ashamed. But at the time we did them, I sang them sincerely so I hope it was good enough.

Interviewer: Navya, do you have any social media?

Me: Yes, I do. I have Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Pinterest, Tumblr, etc. I have a lot of social media. I have so many people following me on Instagram. Whenever I post a photo of me or with the other members, I get so many comments. *laughs* 

Interviewer: *laughs* Really? What kind of comments?

Me: I get so many saying “So pretty!” or “Love you!” or just emojis. *laughs*

Interviewer: What’s the most common comment you get?

Me: Um...it’s probably “You are so lucky!” or “I wish I was with them!” or “I wanna take a selfie with BTS!” *laughs*

*everyone laughs*

Interviewer: Wow, I guess you are really lucky to be living with BTS! All those fans out there are jealous of you!

Me: I guess I’m lucky, aren’t I? I’m famous all over the world! *laughs*

Interviewer: Yes, you are. So, what are the goals of each member?

Jin: I want to be happy. I do not have a huge life goal. I just wish that I can laugh and have a happy life like I do now.

Me: I want to make everyone happy. I want to laugh and have fun with everyone.

Jimin: I want to do well at what I am doing right now. I want to hear the fans say "you are doing well". My wish is that when I've grown up and look back at myself, I will be able to think I was really cool back then.

J-Hope: I want to release my mixtape. I'm ready now. I want to release it as soon as possible. It's not just a short mixtape, but on the level of a full album. After seeing RM and Suga release their mixtapes, I felt that I really wanted to make music with my own colors. I also want to study languages so that I can communicate with American and other foreign fans.

Jungkook: I want to do many things during this and next year. I want to write songs, improve my dancing and speak foreign languages well. The goal is not to be lazy, but to become a practitioner.

V: I want to add various charms and improve in more fields as an actor. I want to continue to study photography and take better pictures. As a singer, I want to become a more wonderful person as a member of BTS. I want to be someone that is doing a lot in many fields.

Suga: The final goal is that when the day comes for me to quit doing music, I want to leave when people still applaud. But I really hope that the departure will happen gradually. I've been playing music for quite some time now, but I hope I will get to do it far longer than the time I've been doing it so far. I do not know if it will be possible in reality, but I think that I want to leave music at a time when I'm still on top.

RM: Loving myself is my dream, but I don't know if I will achieve it before I die. *laughs*

Interviewer: Those are some good goals. Now I want to know: Do you guys date?

RM: We just wanna focus on our careers right now. We don’t usually have time to find that special someone. *laughs*

Me: I’ve always wondered what it’s like to date because when I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to date. I would *laughs* always see everyone holding hands at school and I would get jealous, to be honest. *laughs* 

Interviewer: Well, you have multiple choices right here in this room, so take your pick! *laughs*

*everyone laughs*

Me: I don’t know about that. Everyone is busy with everything, so I’m gonna wait for sometime. I don’t want to stress anyone out.

Interviewer: Yeah, being an idol is hard. Okay, my next question is what’s your ideal type of girl or guy?

RM: A sexy girl who can converse with me for a long time with a nice voice, is appropriately tall, has pale skin, feminine Girl, looks good in a white T-shirt + Jeans + Red Converse High. Someone sexy, even to a brain. Someone that are thoughtful and confident.

Jin: Someone who's fun to be around. A soft-hearted girl who'd wear elegant make-up. A girl whose looks and personality is similar to that of a puppy, whose good at cooking, kind and takes good care of me. I want her to laugh at my jokes and play Mario games with me.

*everyone laughs*

Suga: A girl who has a peaceful manner, but also has a great sense of humor. I don’t laugh very much, so I think that she can make me laugh on a regular basis is very appealing to me.

J-Hope: I like a girl that wears feminine clothes but not too fancy because I think  most important thing is to wear clothes that suit your body. I like girls that are interested in books, good at not only taking care of me but also others, besides I would like to have a girl that is very supportive of me.

Jimin: I want a girl who truly loves me and gives me all the love I want. She has to be smaller than me and is caring, cute, loves sharing, and has a big heart. She has to love to cuddle, too.

V: I want a girlfriend who’s kind and compassionate. I want her to be healthy mentally. Even better if she talks nicely too. It doesn’t matter if she’s not beautiful. But everyone says let’s wait and see how my future girlfriend looks like, I’m curious too.

Jungkook: I like a girl who’s intelligent, talented, and competitive. I want her to be older than me and I want her to be a gamer girl to impress me with her talents and not be afraid to show off her strong points.

Me: I like a guy who’s sweet to my friends and gives me lots of love and cuddles. I want him to teach me how to cook something cause I don’t know how to cook a proper meal. *laughs* I want him to play Mario video games with me and make jokes to make me laugh. He has to be cute and handsome, too. 

Interviewer: Hey, that sounds like Jin! Looks like we got a match, everyone! 

*everyone laughs*

Me: I don’t think we’re ready for that yet.

Interviewer: Do the members always tease you?

Me: Oh my god, yes they do! Especially about Jin. Whenever Jin and I are together, they say stuff like “You both look like a couple’ or “You two should date since you both hang out so much.” 

Jin: Even for me, too! I always get mad at them and have to scold them!

RM: It’s true. He actually gets mad at us.

Suga: Jin always talks fast whenever he’s mad at us about something.

Me: Yeah, that happens a lot. I always crack up laughing. We all do, in fact.

Interviewer: Really? It must be very embarrassing. 

Me: Yes, it is very embarrassing. Every time they do something like this, me and Jin are like “When are they gonna stop doing this” or “How long are they gonna keep this up?”

Jin: But they keep on assuming these things about us, but we just go with it.

Interviewer: My next question for you guys is what are your favorite songs?

RM: My favorite songs are ‘Panini’ by Lil Nas X and ‘Super Rich Kids’ by Frank Ocean.

Jin: Mine is ‘Senorita’ by Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes and the remix of “Despacito” performed by Luis Fonsi, Justin Bieber, and Daddy Yankee.

Suga: ‘Loco’ by Mustard and ‘Summer Story’ by DJ Doc.

J-Hope: I like ‘The Big Day’ by Chance The Rapper and ‘Beauty and a Beat’ by Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj.

Jimin: My favorites are ‘Goodbye Days’ by Yui and ‘Love Song’ by Sara Bareilles.

V: My favorite songs are ‘Floor Seats’ by A$AP Ferg and ‘Blue Room’ by Chet Baker.

Jungkook: I really love one of our songs, ‘Mikrokosmos’ and I also love ‘Just Hold On’ by Steve Aoki with Louis Tomlinson.

Me: I love ‘Handclap’ by Fitz and the Tantrums and ‘War of Hormone’ by BTS. 

Interviewer: All great songs. I have another question for you guys: Have their been any embarrassing moments before?

RM: Um, I think there’s one between Navya and Jin.

Interviewer: Oh really? Can we hear about it?

Jin: Um, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I’ll tell it. So, one day, me and Suga’s dorm door wasn’t working. If we closed it, then we couldn’t get in. The person on the outside has to open it. Anyway, we both didn’t know what to do, so Suga went to call the other members to see if they could fix it. I waited in the dorm for him, but it took a while, so I called Navya to see if she could fix it. She came over and I told her what the problem was. She came in the room and guess what happened? Navya locked the door.

Interviewer: Oh no! Then what happened?

Me: I didn’t know the door would get locked. We both tried to pull the door open, but it wouldn’t open. So, we were both stuck in there for a while. Who knows how long. *laughs*

Interviewer: What did you guys do in there?

Me: We just talked and laughed. I mean, we WERE in a bedroom, so I don’t really know what happened...*smiles*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: I’m just joking. All we did was talk and laugh. Jin told me a lot of jokes. I cracked up so hard.

Jin: Yeah, I did. I have so many in mind right now.

Me: I laughed so hard that my stomach was hurting. I almost died.

*everyone laughs*

Interviewer: That does sound fun. How did you both get out?

Jin: Suga got us out. He found the members and brought them to our dorm room. Me and Navya were both relived that we got out. 

Me: The funny part was that Suga was so confused about what happened. *laughs* We both laughed and explained what happened. 

Jin: We were still laughing after that. *laughs* We also told the other members what happened.

Interviewer: Well, that was an amazing story! Did the door get fixed?

Suga: Yes, it did. It won’t lock again from the inside. I think Navya’s gonna be careful next time. *laughs*

Me: I sure will. I probably should ask one of you if I can close the door. *laughs*

Interviewer: That was an amazing story, but I thought it was an embarrassing story.

Jin: After we got the door fixed, the embarrassing things started happening. At dinner that same day, the guys kept on nagging me and Navya about what happened. They kept on asking what we did in the room while it was locked.

Me: Jin and I were so embarrassed. We both said that we both talked and laughed, but they kept on suspecting that something else happened.

Jin: Now, that I think about, I think there was something else. I can’t remember.

Me: Me neither. *remembers* Oh, I remember what it was! 

RM: What?

Me: Jin and I both fell asleep on the bed. 

Everyone: Ohhhhh!

Jin: Oh yeah, now I remember. 

Interviewer: How did you both fall asleep?

Me: I guess we were both laughing so much that we were both tired and fell asleep. 

Jimin: I knew there was something else!

V: We keep on saying it, but they just won’t admit it.

Jungkook: Admit what?

J-Hope: That they make a perfect match. 

Suga: They would make a perfect couple. Just imagine.

Jin: *embarrassed and blushing* Ah, Yoongi...

Me: *embarrassed* I seriously don’t even know how long this is gonna go.

RM: Jin’s embarrassed! His face, neck, and ears are red!

Jungkook: They are!

*members start teasing Jin by poking him*

Me: *giggles* Okay, guys. Stop teasing Jin. 

Interviewer: *laughs* Well, it might happen in the future. Who knows? Well, thank you guys for taking the time to chat with us today! I had an awesome time!

RM: Thank you! For having us! We all had a great time! 

Interviewer: *looks at the camera* ARMY, know that BTS is there for you whenever you need it and stay tuned for more awesome music!

Us: Bye! 

Me: Saranghae! Annyeong! 

Jimin: We love, ARMY!

Jin: Since I can’t blow a kiss for you in person, I’ll just do it to the camera. *blows a flying kiss to the camera*

*everyone laughs*

I hope you guys enjoyed the story!