#I can’t do anything without a recipe it scary

[ah0yh0y]

Craving food but not what’s in the house or like I don’t have to make it

I just want someone to cook with me

[hades-in-bloom]

Al Dente

Leon S. Kennedy x Reader

summary: he might be of Italian descent, but he still can’t nail cooking pasta.

warnings & contents: assumed older Leon, but could be of any period; assumed age gap, but could be none; reader could be of any gender; fluff with attitude and smth that could be considered a prelude with grabbing and kisses; mentions of drinking; no pasta recipes, really, just stupid banter; a little bit of manhandling

a/n: am not Italian, so please let me know if I’ve committed any blasphemy. Also, this is one silly piece of writing because I’m de-stressing and can’t write anything serious, but am also obsessed with Leon tapping into his Italian descent. As always, proceed with caution and at your own risk; minors DNI! Masterlist

***

‘Oh, I swear…’ Leon mumbled, taking a look into the deep cylindrical pot that was cooking on the stove; the water boiling merrily. Kennedy sighed; he got distracted for a few minutes while taking a call from D.S.O.—which seemed enough for a batch of pasta to turn into goo.

Again.

Leon huffed out a bad word, lifted the pot from the heat, and dropped it straight into the sink without any attempt to retrieve its doughy contents. The man cracked open another beer bottle and took a sip, visibly consumed with heavy thoughts; the number of beers had perfectly correlated with the number of unsuccessfully cooked batches of pasta. Although Leon has never encouraged food waste, this time the big and scary D.S.O. agent refused to give up, steadily losing his sobriety with each try.

You watched him suffer for quite a while, half through the bottle of wine yourself—because grabbing popcorn would be too obvious and undoubtedly rude, although the show was getting more entertaining by the minute; Leon’s frustration was evident.

‘How’s it going?’ you hummed from behind his back. You did your best to hide your smirk.

Leon groaned. He knew you were having a laugh; who wouldn't in that situation, anyway.

‘I’d rather shoot a horde of zombies,’ Kennedy mumbled. He took another sip of his beer and hummed, assessing the situation. ‘Also, I'm running out of pasta.’

You were convinced he deserved the roast; however, his genuinely concerned facial expression made you chuckle.

‘Should we take a break?’ you tilted your head slightly, watching his reaction.

‘We?’ Leon raised his eyebrow, giving you a side-eye. ‘I am getting tortured. What exactly are you doing?’

You thought about it briefly; took a sip from your wine glass.

‘I guess I should be qualified as moral support?’ you assumed.

Leon scoffed, then couldn’t hold back a chuckle. He turned around, facing you; his eyes trained on your features then.

‘I bet you don’t know how to cook a proper al dente either.’

‘You bet?’ wine was your liquid courage, so you might have been too venturesome at that moment. Neither of you complained, though. The man of the hour was intrigued. ‘What if I were to cook you the nicest al dente pasta you’ve ever eaten, Kennedy?’

Scott snorted in a friendly manner and folded his arms over his chest.

‘Ever eaten is a bold claim, sweetheart,’ he teased, his smile growing wider. ‘My family were immigrants from Italy, you know that, right?’

You shrugged his comment off light-heartedly.

‘If I lose, I lose, right? And you could claim your prize,’ you smirked. Oh, you had no doubts he was interested.

His gaze bore into yours for a second; then his features relaxed, although you still could see his shoulders tense—you let it slip.

‘Alright, go forth and forward,’ he smirked; his stare spoke volumes. ‘I will start thinking of what you owe me in return when you screw it up.’

You quickly cleaned up the kitchen countertop, allowing clean water to boil one more in the cooking pot while you measured two portions of store-bought pasta.

Leon watched your actions over your shoulder before you felt his large palms on your hips.

‘Nicely done,’ he murmured from under your earlobe.

You knew he wouldn't be able to play fair; he wasn't big on losing, whether major or minor—and you cooking pasta al dente better than him, taking into account his heritage, was a below-the-belt insult to him. Thus, he didn't mind deploying desperate measures.

‘That’s cheating, Kennedy,’ you muttered, putting the batch of pasta into the pot.

‘I don't remember me touching you being against whatever rules,’ he hummed, placing his lips on your neck. Your heartbeat fastened. ‘Fairly, I don't remember us discussing any rules.’

‘You’ll regret it when I win,’ you claimed. Leon glanced into your pot once again. ‘A couple of minutes more…’ You hummed.

‘How do you know the perfect timing?’ he moaned into your ear. You smirked.

‘Who knows, maybe it would be awful…’ you teased, and he shook his head.

‘No, it won’t,’ Leon concluded quickly and, by lifting you up, grabbed you onto his shoulder. You squealed, losing the ground from under your feet, and clung onto his t-shirt from the back in an attempt to keep your balance.

‘Oh, you fiend!’ you watched him turn off the stove before dragging you into the bedroom. ‘That was our dinner!’

‘I think you're right—we should take a break; maybe, we could order pizza…’ he hummed. You groaned in response, helplessly hanging from his height, his hand holding you tight right under your asscheeks.

Leon let you slide from his shoulder onto the mattress in the bedroom, hovering over you in the next second. His lips barely touched yours when he smirked and watched you blush then.

‘…after I finish with the appetizer.’

[lxstfathier]

Cachorrita

Los Vaqueros x Reader

Headcanons

Summary: you got caught in the middle of the narco violence, losing everything. Thankfully, the vaqueros rescued you and decided to adopt you… as a pet.

Warnings: murder/trauma mentions, pet play, collaring, poly relationship (?), slight smut.

A/N: i can’t stop thinking about Ale and Rudy, they’re both so cute and boyfriend shaped and i love them very much 💗 so i got this silly idea in the middle of the night and decided to write it, don’t ask me what the hell is this, just enjoy it. And please remember that english is not my first language. Hope y’all like it :)

♡ Your parents were killed by el sin nombre, and you were kidnapped for a few days with the intention of human trafficking. Luckily, you were rescued by los vaqueros before you ended up being trafficked for real.

♡ It was nice to be free again, but everything you had ever know didn’t exist anymore. Not even your home. You had nowhere to go, and such a naive little girl like you would be an easy target in Las Almas… again. That’s why the vaqueros offered you to stay with them, in their base.

♡ You accepted immediately. They saved your life, and you would trust them with it.

♡ At first, it was weird to live among military men. Seeing them always with a serious look on their faces and yelling orders was quite scary, but soon you got used to it. You got along with everyone, and they all treated you in the nicest way possible, so it wasn’t as bad as you thought.

♡ They even gave you your own little room!

♡ Once you started to get more comfortable, you gained the confidence to get out of your room more often, exploring the base and helping around with the daily tasks, learning the basic things. And it wasn’t long until you grew closer to Alejandro and Rodolfo, following them around any time you could.

♡ Alejandro thinks of you as one of those stray dogs that Rudy used to bring into the base (in a cute way), that’s why they started calling you “Cachorrita”.

♡ You love the nickname, but you loved it even more when they actually started treating you as a puppy, making sure that you’re always happy and taken care of.

♡ One day, they surprise you with a pretty collar. It’s made from the softest and most finest leather, in your favorite color, and it also has a cute heart-shaped tag that says “Cachorrita” and “Propiedad de Los Vaqueros” in the back. Such a sweet gift. It made you teary. You hugged every single one of them as a thank you and then Alejandro put it around your neck <3

♡ It doesn’t matter if they’re all at the base, or just a few soldiers, you always go out to spend time with them. You keep them company, listen to anything they have to say, comfort them, or just snuggle on their lap while they play with your hair. They say often that you’re way better than a therapy dog, but you don’t really think so.

♡ One time you decided it would be a great idea to cook something for them, so you prepared chilaquiles con carne, and they all went insane, saying that it was delicious, better than the bland military food they were used to eat daily. So now you cook for them almost every day, remembering the recipes your mother taught you.

♡ Even though they all agreed to collar you, only Alejandro is allowed to put a leash on you. He doesn’t do it often, just when he has to do a lot of paperwork in his office, taking you with him to keep you at his feet for hours. “Good girl” he says petting your head while you rest your chin on his thigh. “Keep being obedient and i’ll give you a treat when i’m done”. If he gets stressed, he might use that pretty little mouth of yours.

♡ They won’t hesitate to spoil you. You want new clothes? Stuffed animals? Jewelry? The newest iphone? don’t even worry about it, Ale and Rudy will be buying it all for you.

♡ When they go away on missions, they always text you whenever they can, making sure that you’re fine without them. Rudy always gives you one of his credit cards, telling you to use it if you need something. But you have never used it, you have everything you need at the base.

♡ When they come back, the first thing you hear is Alejandro yelling “Dónde está nuestra cachorrita?”, and you’ll come out of your room as fast as you can, running to them to hug them tight, glad that they’re all safe and sound.

♡ Sometimes, when Alejandro or Rodolfo get horny (which is often), they come to you, and you spread your legs for them, happy to please them however they want. Rudy fucks you sweet and slow. Alejandro fucks you fast and rough. But you like it more when they both fuck you at the same time.

♡ When you get your period, they all treat you as if you were dying, giving you everything you want and need. Alejandro makes sure you have pain pills and a hot water bottle to put on your tummy, and Rudy goes to the store to get more pads and your favorite snacks.

♡ When you wake up in the middle of the night because of your constant nightmares, you sneak into Rudy’s room, getting in the bed with him and cuddling up in his chest. “Qué pasa, cachorrita? you got nightmares again?” he asks, half awake, and when you whisper a “si” he just holds you closer, hearing his heart beat until you fall asleep.

♡ They teach you how to use a gun, just in case. But you really hate it. Those things are heavy and loud and scary.

♡ Speaking of things you hate, you also don’t like going outside due to your trauma. But Alejandro and Rudy insist on taking you out at least once a week, going to the local market for some groceries, and you hold Ale’s hand as if your life depended on it, way too scared to let him go. But, if you behave well, they buy you ice cream on the way back.

♡ You’re not a brat, but sometimes you accidentally do something they don’t like. They’re the military after all, highly disciplined men, and you aren’t used to that. If you do something slightly disrespectful or don’t listen to orders, it will result on Rudy or Ale yanking you by the collar, planting a firm smack on your ass. “Don’t do that again, entendido?”.

♡ You love stealing Ale’s military jackets. They’re comfy, oversized and smell like him. But you didn’t expected him to get you your own jacket, embroidered with “cachorrita” on the front and a bright pink armband that says “emotional support”. And you love it, of course, but that doesn’t stop you from stealing his jackets again.

♡ You have an oral fixation, and Rudy thrives off it, letting you bite his arms, lick his neck or have a really messy and heated up kissing session (if he’s not busy). Sometimes he even lets you suck his fingers, but be careful with that one cuz he might want to give you something bigger to suck on.

♡ If any of Los Vaqueros gets hurt on a mission or training, you will take care of them just like they do with you, not leaving their side until they feel better. You can’t stand seeing any of your -new found- family in pain, makes you feel sad :(

♡ When your birthday comes, Alejandro and Rodolfo enter your room early at morning, singing las mañanitas and giving you the gift they got for you. It’s exciting, so you quickly open the box, eager to see what’s inside. Gasping when you finally admire the pretty set of fluffy ears, tail plug, and thigh high socks with paw print, all in your favorite color. “Why don’t you try it on for us, cachorrita?” Alejandro suggests, and you’re more than happy to do so, already feeling a tingle between your legs.

♡ You’re on birth control, obviously, but Rudy and Ale are already thinking about getting you off those stupid pills…

[courtofmatchups]

Hello! I stumbled across your page and I love it so much! I was wondering if you could match me with a character from Obey Me.

Pronouns: She/Her

Zodiac Sign: Pisces

Personality to lovers: Lovey dovey, affectionate, cuddling, willing to listen an/or just sit in silence with them to spend time together. Loves kisses

Personality to everyone in general: Very polite, kind, listens wholeheartedly, is often sought out by other to give advice. Loves giving hugs

Likes: Water (drinking water and being in bodies of water), sleeping, playing video games, watching tv, reading, trying out new recipes. Hanging out with friends and family. Will try just about anything once.

Dislikes: excessively scary and horror things, gore (I can be a scardy cat)

Fav foods: Chicken, non dairy ice cream, tea(all kinds of tea) alcoholic beverages (I like trying them to see how they taste), WATER(I can’t go without it).

Least Fav Foods: anything I’m allergic to (seafood, mushrooms, dairy)

Also I am a very creative individual I like to paint, edit photos build things small house restoration projects.

It seems to me you've captured the heart of...

The Gluttonous Sixth Born

Beelzebub!

I saw that you enjoyed trying out new recipes and KNEW that Beel would be the perfect match for you. Your personality is compatible with his too. Beel is super affectionate, so expect lots of hugs. And sitting in silence with you would be something he'd like to do with you. Your presence is calming to him.

Beel also appreciates how you treat people. Especially since his brothers would trust you so implicitly. You give out really good advice, and that to me seems like a big indicator of a great personality.

Beel would want to try new things with you, since you have mentioned you enjoying doing that. He already does much of the activities you enjoy with his brothers, but doing them with you would be even more special to him. I think he would also like whatever you create: edited photos, paintings, whatever. And in the event you have to do a home renovation project, he's gonna help. He's super strong so that would be a huge advantage.

But his all time favourite thing to do with you would be to try different foods with you. Well, the ones you aren't allergic to, of course.

In conlclusion, I see a very happy relationship between the two of you

[lunarsun12]

Jay Parenting Dilemma

Masterlist

After a week babysitting, Jay kids. Heesung has enough of their behaviours. First he got pushed by Sunghoon as he claims the bathroom first. Then Sunoo literally tried to rob him! Luckily Jake was there to stop him.

Heesung decided to make a bet with Jay. If he can actually control his kids, then he will be Jay chauffeur.

Will Heesung be Jay chauffeur?

Back At Enhypen Chat

Today 16:00

Niki🕺: Who took Sunoo and Sunghoon soul?

Jake🐶: Same question, those two are being so nice. Sunoo didn’t call Lyla a furr ball

Niki🕺: Sunoo even complimented Sunghoon his hair. And the scary part, I saw them giving eachother a hug

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: Your Uncle Jay has been strangely responsible. He made Sunoo say sorry to Sunghoon for stealing his clothes

The day before the strange behaviour

Back At Heesung and Jay Chat

Today 1:00am

Jay🦊: HYUNG! Why did you call me! It is 1am!!

Heeseung🦌: You wouldn’t answer if I texted you so calling you is the best answer

Heesung🦌: We need to have talk about your kids!

Jay🦊: They are fine! Mind your own business! Look how angelic they are

Heesung🦌: I wish…I don’t have to intervene BUT when it was my turn to babysit the kids. They almost turned against me when I said no when they asked for more money!!

Jay🦊: They love the hustle and bustle. What’s the problem?

Heesung🦌: Name one time, there hasn’t been a problem with them?

Jay🦊: Hmmm, it’s late! My brain is not working right now

Heesung🦌: Hah! I bet you can’t go a week making the behave. Without having me and Jungwon to intervene

Jay🦊: Is this a challenge? I show I am always responsible. When I win, you will to be my chauffeur

Heesung🦌: Hah, that is never going to happen. Good luck making them behave

Present day (Day 6) …

Back At Enhypen Chat

Heesung🦌: I wonder how Jay is holding up?

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: He is doing fine…actually. He is making them his 3 hours curry

Niki🕺: Eomma can we come over! I want to try his famous curry recipe

Jake🐶: Us too!!

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: This is suspicious! I have the police on speed dial. No one come near Jay house tonight

Sunoo☀️: Good Evening fellow family!

Sunghoon❄️: Today is the best day! Appa finally told Sunoo off. He immediately started to be beareable

Sunoo☀️: Appa, finally stopped showing favouritism to Sunghoon. Naturally I will be nice

Niki🕺: This gotta be a joke…

Sunoo☀️: NIKI! WHEN YOU ARE COMING OVER! I MISSED YOU!!

Niki🕺: You guys are seeing this..

Jake🐶: SOMEONE FIX THEM OR ARE WE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: Could get your Appa to come. We have some questions

Heesung🦌: Drats, Jay is taking it seriously. I gotta do something fast before I really become a chauffeur

Jay🦊: Hey guys! What’s up? Who knew parenting is so hard. Thanks Sunghoon for helping!

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: You okay hyung? You actually sorting your family out?

Jay🦊: It’s time for me to change my attitude! I have forgotten how cute my kids are

Niki🕺: Something is wrong you…YOU NEVER COMPLIMENTED THEM LIKE EVER

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: Sunoo and Sunghoon is your Appa making you act

Sunghoon❄️: I don’t act. That’s sunoo job, he actually sorted the bathroom fight this morning and gave us a hug

Sunoo☀️: Appa is the best!

3hours later…

Jay🦊: YOU BRATS! HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY CURRY. YOU BOTH HAVE ONE JOB!!

Sunoo☀️: We didn’t do anything….

Jay🦊: That’s it! THIS IS THE THANKS I GET FOR BEING NICE. I WILL CONTINUE MY OWN WAY!! Heesung Hyung is a liar!!

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: Hold on hold on! How about you continue this new leaf. What about you said calling them cute

Jay🦊: Cute my butt! They are little demons! This is coming out both of your pocket money!

Sunoo☀️: THIS IS NOT FAIR! IT WASN’T US!!

Jake🐶: Has anyone seen Appa? He has been missing for some time…

Jungwon🐈‍⬛: Awww you miss your Appa? He said he is going on a run, don’t he will be home soon

Sunghoon❄️: This didn’t last long! Sunoo can be so annoying..

Sunoo☀️: YOU NOT INNOCENT EITHER!!

Jay🦊: Why did I even adopted kids! I just can’t win!!

30mins later…

Heesung🦌: I’m so glad, I put a stop to this. I can’t be Jay chauffeur my rep

[thesiblingsoftheblackandwhite]

Tinky sighs, closing his eyes in hopes of resting them for a moment. He shifts his position. The pullout creaks under him. The stove has been off and it’s too dark out, they should all be asleep.

Karaxis?

A tad annoyed, he breathes in, opens his eyes, and swivels his head to the hallway. Blinky waits at the spot just before the foyer entrance. Tinky expects some sort of response, but doesn’t get one. Widely confused, he opens his mouth to ask.

Can you read to me?

They stare at each other. T’noy blinks. Bliklotep makes a strange face before smoothing it out as best he can. He visibly squirms in place. Tinky tilts his head, eventually setting his expression into a little smirk as he leans forward.

Oh, I see. The Watcher wants another bedtime story? Don’t you know all of them by now?

Thank them Blinky is able to catch the teasing tone. He relaxes as Tinky gets off the couch to look through their pile of books. He gestures for him to sit. Tinky frowns at their selection.

There’s not a lot of stories, unless you wanna fall asleep to cookbook recipes.

He chuckles, hoping to get a similar reaction. But Blinky doesn’t respond, lightly kicking his legs out from where they hang.

You know there’s no point if I pick for you.

Bliklotep kicks his shoes off to hug his knees.

…I really messed up today.

Tinky sighs, foregoing his search and climbing onto the couch.

Wiggly’s going to forgive you. Other than that, I can’t think of anything else you did wrong.

Blinky squeezes his legs tighter. That hadn’t been what he’d meant.

…Do you want me to make something up again?

Bliklotep liked that word. Again. As if the last time they had done this was no more than two days ago. He nods. Tinky hums in response and crosses his legs.

C’mere.

He holds out his arms as if expecting a hug. Blinky watches him and slowly uncurls. He crawls closer to T’noy with a neutral face and rests his head on his thigh. He waits there, unblinking, as Tinky starts carding his fingers through his hair.

OK, timelines…timelines…

He tries to come up with a suitable story.

Oh! Remember that timeline where Hidgens finally got his dumb musical accepted, and then he killed everyone in the cast and almost the whole audience-

Blinky tenses. His hand grips the sheets tighter as his body’s discomfort increases.

Tinky. Nothing scary.

The story stops.

…I’m not sick, T’noy.

The hand leaves his forehead.

Just checking.

Tinky keeps running a hand over his hair. The noise is nice.

…OK. Did you like the one about the dinosaurs?

Blinky hums tiredly, yanking his eyes open the second they close.

Dinosaurs…yeah…

Tinky never got why that was one of his favorites. Bliklotep had been around for it, after all. It wasn’t unknown. He starts the story anyway. Not the meteor part. His little brother had said no violent stories tonight. But everything before was just fine.

…Herbivores like sauropods and iguanodons would eat plants that were around the Earth, or underwater…

Eventually, he stops when Blinky’s breathing doesn’t change. Karaxis looks down to find his brother’s eyes wide open and slightly shaking. He knows it’s not from a lack of exhaustion.

Bliklotep. Close your eyes.

His tone is gentle. Blinky frantically shakes his head. Tinky rests his hand on his shoulder.

You’re exhausted, hon.

He gets another head shake in return. T’noy makes a face in the dark. He knows why he’s doing this; it doesn’t make it easier.

It’s just us. Promise.

He adjusts Blinky so that he doesn’t slip off his thigh. Blinky stiffens and gets shushed.

Would the rest of the story help?

A hesitant nod.

OK.

As T’noy continues, whispering, Bliklotep darts his eyes around the dark room. He reaches up to grip his big brother’s leg and squeeze. This doesn’t cause Tinky to stumble over his words. They’re the only sound in the house, save for Pokotho’s quiet breathing from behind them. Blinky unwillingly whimpers.

Blinks?

That manages to stop Tinky’s story, his voice laced with concern. Still without fully blinking, Bliklotep lifts himself off his leg with a shuddery breath. T’noy questions if he’s OK. Blinky only shakes his head once and, in a split second decision, dives into his brother’s arms.

Ugh-

Bliklotep crushes him in a hug, hiding his face. Tinky is quick to adjust them so they’re both resting comfortably. He rubs his back, feeling along his spine and shoulder blades. Tinky holds him tighter and starts humming a slow tune instead of continuing the story.

It’s around forty minutes after that when Blinky closes his eyes.

[v-sansings]

For our beloved lemonberry lady <3

🍲, 🎞️, 🛏️,☀️

You know me too well, Holo! As you wish☺️

🍲: If I had to think of anything for this one, hers and V’s would probably be the same thing. Having such a long time spent in the human world, Ena would probably have a couple favorite foods she’s tried to bring back to the compooter.

I’d have to say her and V’s shared comfort food during fall would have to be a tortellini soup: V somehow managed to get the recipe from her mother and when her and ENA made it together, it sealed in a core memory of them spending time together as a couple: laughing and getting ingredients all over the place. It’s one of their favorites not just because its fucking delicious, but also because of its sentimental value🥰

🎞️: Both women enjoy movies that are soft and gentle compared to more action based movies(that’s more Moony’s speed).

That and since they both love music, it’s become a tradition for when V and ENA hop into comfy vintage pjs and watch things, it’ll be things like Ghibli movies, period romances like Pride and Prejudice, and maybe some recorded or movie musicals if they’re feeling a little peppier. It helps them both relax🎶

🛏️: Without a doubt. Both of them would try to, but when it doesn’t work, they both wake up tangled in blankets and with no escape. Until they can figure out what to do, they just get as close to each other as they can while they’re squeezed into the blanket and push themselves together like ingredients in a pressure cooker🥲

☀️: I have a feeling that neither one particularly likes the brutal heat of a southern summer. Spring is nice but it also is the time for bugs to swarm in after a long winter and they are particularly angry when they wake up.

Fall is the best time for both women cause it’s not freezing to the point where ENA can’t take the cold anymore(the computer world doesn’t often get winter cold), but it’s not so hot that V will pass out from heat exhaustion.

Fall has so many benefits; the sun finally cools just enough for going outside to be enjoyable, there’s all sorts of special flavors for things, you can bundle up in the cutest little sweaters and skirts, etc etc. That and there’s always Halloween: which is a time that both women go crazy over! Funky music, cool costumes, scary movies, and cool decorations everywhere!

What’s not to love!🌞✨

[thebookworm0001]

It’s past my bedtime and this is a mess

Here you go @ell-vellan

So I’ll be examining the dangerous fantasy lover trope specifically with regards to ya literature/media that is geared towards young girls.

I’ve chosen this specifically because of the way it reflects the developmental stages of both the characters and the intended audience and because adults (usually men) tend to misinterpret what’s going on inside the heads of both. I should also not that this is largely based off my own personal experiences but that includes a number of discussions with people who were also socialized as women who share very similar experiences to my own. This is also gonna be very cishet because despite some Later Realizations, that was very much my experience and very much where this particular trope stems from

So with that out of the way: why girls love the scary hot guys that are walking red flags

In order to set up some of this, we get to fall back to the age-old “Jesus Christ everything is the Victorian’s fault.” So, historically, in Western Christian culture, women were dangerous, sex-obsessed harlots who needed to be controlled by men. The idea of a wandering womb that needed to be satiated, or a ‘cold’ womb that sought heat (in the form of sperm), and a couple other ideas all kinda made men weird about women’s sex drives. Then (and I am simplifying greatly here) the Victorians come along and we get the idea of The Angel In the House. The Angel is the ideal of womanhood. She is meek, she is mild, she is caring, she is doting. She is also, above all, devoid of any actual desire for anything besides bearing/raising her husband and children. She does not want sex. In fact, she should be a little put off by it. The Angel is here to tame man’s baser nature - and a man is a sexed up beast who can’t so much as see a table leg without getting horned up. So The Angel must dutifully and lovingly put up with her husband’s advances to keep him from straying to one of those *gasp* fallen women identifiable by their clear use of makeup (side note: yes prostitutes would wear visible makeup and this is why the Look of the mid-1800s for rich women was being barefaced. Or close to it. There are still makeup recipes from the time that suggest it might’ve been more of a ‘my eyelashes are totally this dark naturally what do you mean’ situation). All that to say, the Victorians cemented the idea in Western culture that men were rampaging sex animals incapable of controlling themselves and it was the woman’s Sacred Duty to keep his attention and keep him from sinning. This is also the era of Freud so take that as you will.

So, fast forward a century or so. This idea is still going strong. People lost their minds when women wore skirts that bared their ankles when a few centuries ago bare boobs were the courtly fashion because necklines just got that damn low. Throw in a good dose of moral panic - especially around birth control being a Thing that allows people to fuck without risking pregnancy and childbirth (so naturally it was illegal to even discuss it for several years in the US) and Christian patriarchy, and you get this weird brand of projected sexualization of kids.

I can only speak for my own purity culture experience, but there’s something particularly fucked up about spending a few weeks telling a building full of pre-teens and teens that 1) they are going to be consumed by the desire to have sex and 2) satisfying this desire will send them to hell unless they get married first. Also weirder when followed up with a ceremony in which you sign a certificate promising your virginity to your future (cishet) spouse in front of those same peers and your parents. You may even get a ring to wear about it and feel compelled, for some damn reason, to share that the ring means you will not be having sex thank you very much (and later realize that the ease of keeping that promise was one hell of a queer flag that nobody noticed). Anyway the point was very much that not only did culture at large tell you that sex was a thing done to women by men rather than something enjoyed by both parties, but now you had your Trusted Adults telling you that whatever hormone-driven impulses you had were going to get you tortured for eternity. This had no adverse effects.

Yeah no so! Enter my first experience with Bad Boy Lover: David Bowie’s tight ass pants. Now, I was too young to care about the pants the first time I watched Labyrinth. I was mostly just desperate for anything magic related and David Bowie was fucking cool with the big hair and the mismatched eyes and the Being Magic. But the thing that’s attractive about David Bowie as Jareth is that he oozes danger but he never does anything Sarah doesn’t /want/ him to do. Sarah is at a crossroads in her life - specially the one from child to adult. She’s a teenager - crossing the line from having no agency (and no sexuality) to having ownership of herself and her desires. A key moment at the start of the movie is when she runs home late to babysit her younger brother. It’s not that she’s late, but rather than her stepmother makes it clear that aside from rarely asking her to babysit, she’d happily find a different sitter if Sarah ever told her about her plans. She also awkwardly makes the comment that she’d quite like it if Sarah had plans - especially if they were for a date. Sarah’s reality is that she is desperately clinging to childhood/innocence while she is rapidly growing out of it. In fact, she’s ready to move on herself. Hence the story about the Goblin King being in love with the girl that she recites. The girl is her. This movie is her self-insert fanfic come frighteningly and amazingly to life. In fact, that’s pretty explicit in the text of the movie - every aspect of the Labyrinth, Jareth included, can be found somewhere in her bedroom before the plot begins. Everyone plays a role - Jareth is the safe exploration into adulthood. And in this case, that means sexuality.

Hence the Bowie Balls. Both the crystal ones he’s constantly twirling and the ones they had to actually tone down for the movie because yes that bulge was entirely intentional. Jareth is the fantasy of a young girl who is not comfortable with her own sexuality - exactly what is expected of a girl raised in a white, Western, Christian culture. Sarah is expected to date, sure, but what part of her world has told her that action is safe? The movie released in 1986. After the 60s and 70s saw a sexual liberation, and, while it did continue into the 80s, there was a backlash. And, of course, there was the AIDS epidemic. The US Surgeon General’s report on AIDS was released the same year as this film. There’s also an interpretation of a prop newspaper clipping that holds that Sarah’s biological mother is an actress who left her family to be with someone who looks a lot like David Bowie so there is potentially a layer of influence w/ an older man ‘stealing’ her mother away. All that to say, even if Sarah didn’t have the fatal flaw of refusing agency in her own life, there’s a fair bit happening in her life that would tell her sex is not a safe thing for her.

And this is where the dangerous lover (DL) comes in. Because the dangerous lover give you an out. DL gives you a loophole for all the various pressures that tell a not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman she is not allowed to want sex. DL ignores what you say - because you are not allowed to say you want him. DL gets in your space - because you are not allowed to get into his space. DL makes innuendo at you - because you cannot under any circumstance do the same. DL is uncomfortably attractive and sexualized - because then his hotness is just a statement rather than an expression of desire. DL needs to be controlling so that when someone asks why you were in a compromising position, you can say he forced you. Arousal looks a hell of a lot like fear. And when you’re taught to fear your own arousal? Well. That line gets fucking blurring real fast.

Fast forward a few decades to Stephanie Meyer, mother of modern YA. Not even joking - we don’t get YA as a market the way we have it without Twilight. Twilight has a ton of issues unrelated to the romance (donate to the Quileute Tribe here [https://mthg.org]) but it’s probably the most well-known of modern DL, and Edward Cullen was definitely my first conscious engagement with that. So yes Edward was dangerous and pushy and ignored everything you said. But this was when the other integral part of the DL clicked - the DL must be utterly and completely devoted to you.

Backing up to the Angel in the House, the woman in the relationship is expected to be everything for her family. Her sole purpose is to be whatever her husband and children need. Her life is devoted to their service. She should never expect the same from her family. Her children are, well, children (now being seen a a separate thing from Adults - and so we have the golden age of fairy tales) and her husband is little more than a slightly better dressed child insofar as emotional intelligence goes. His job is to make money and support his family and try not to fuck the sex workers down the street but if he does, well, not his fault. Christian purity culture similarly teaches that sex is not enjoyable for women. In fact, the earlier description was more egalitarian than most. Much of purity culture teaches that boys, being sex monsters, will pressure girls into sex they will not want and it is their solemn duty to resist so not as to 1) ruin their virtue and 2) not lead the boys astray. There is no conversation about how women might enjoy the act and the implication is that if you do, you’re dirty. Many people will outright compare a girl who has had sex to a used piece of tape, a crushed flower, or a chewed piece of gum. You are something to be used and discarded. Best not be thrown away before a Godly ManTM snaps you up. Should a boy be compared to an object, he is a skeleton key, a girl a lock. A girl should ‘fit’ for only one partner, and the boy has no such commitments. Your job as a woman is to devote yourself to a single man and stay ‘pure’ enough to hold his attention. If he strays, you should have expected it and it is your fault.

Now take that lesson - that you should never expect the level of affection and care you are expected to give in a relations and pair it with the fact that the single most important thing a teenager wants is acceptance. To belong. To be seen and loved and cared for deeply and without reservation.

Enter the obsessive nature of the DL. Because when you’re too young to realize that a dude secretly watching you while you sleep is creepy as fuck, what it reads as is devotion, protection, and being known. He sees you with your bed head, no makeup, drool on the pillow case and thinks you’re beautiful anyway. He knows that you face danger at night, even just in your own head, so he watches over you without being asked. And every time he watches you from the shadows, every time he pushes a boundary you don’t want to have, every time he makes a decision on your behalf to keep your safe - he is showing that the single most important thing in his life is you. That he sees you, wants you, and will put you above every other god damn thing in his life - including whatever power and/or immortality he has. And damn that is powerful. Because being a teenage girl sucks. You have no power. There is nothing you want more than the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want. You have been bombarded with the idea that you are in the prime of your life and the moment you graduate, everything is over - you will lose your youth and there is nothing worse than that (so says your mother, who frets over her fine lines and grey hairs. So says your grandmother, who praises the metabolism you’ll soon lose. So says your aunt, tell you to treasure these years because soon you’ll be a mother and your life won’t be your own anymore).

In Labyrinth, this manifests as Jareth’s constant changing of the game to fit what Sarah wants. Not what she verbalizes, but the story she wants to play out. She wants him to cheat. She wants the odds made more drastic. She wants to be seduced and frightened and kept from winning through dirty tricks. All of Jareth’s final scenes outline that he has, as both sexual partner and villainous bad guy, been working overtime to giver her the story she wants. He has ‘turned the world upside down…and done it all for [her]’ and he is fucking exhausted. The ‘fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave’ offer? It’s a promise that she will get everything she’s ever wanted if she just gives in. But Labyrinth is also about accepting your childhood and bringing it with you in a healthy way as you mature, so we are not going to fall into bed with the much older Goblin King. That’s what Adult Sarah fanfic is for. But the offer on the table is ‘I know the desire you have for intimacy - sexual and emotional - let me fulfill it’ but Sarah ain’t ready for that so we move to a bedroom dance party with muppets.

Edward Cullen, on the other hand, is in a an older journey to adulthood where sex is an age appropriate step, rather than a concept we are starting to accept. So we get bed-breaking, bone-bruising, can’t-believe-it-was-that-good sex. So he fits the bill and manages to fulfill the implied desire for sex itself that tends to be more implied when the story is written with an audience of women in mind.

So no fucking wonder Edward Cullen is attractive to teenage girls. Though Edward, funnily enough, is actually something of a poor example going by Jareth’s metrics for no other reason than he’s not particularly sexual. Bella finds him as such - as does the entire town - but when push comes to shove, Bella is the one pursuing him sexually. Though I believe this is due to Meyer’s Mormonism and her particular DL fantasy having the added factor of Will Wait For Marriage to Ravage Me. He’s absolutely down for it, he’s just gotta put a ring on it first. But again - it’s the loophole. The fantasy needs to give the reader permission to engage in sexual imaginings and clearly, Meyer needs that safety net of marriage to feel safe doing so.

Anyway I think I have exhausted my brain on this matter for the moment. Questions? Clarification? Something to add? Go for it.

Next up on essays I should take more time to write: the ‘I can fix him’ trope is actually a power fantasy and yes I will die on this hill

[dionysianmirth]

i love this recipe and have been making it for about a year with some thoughts

i only add 2 ingredients so it’s 3 things total but they do wonders and it looks deceptively simple/plain despite the flavor punch it packs.

i don’t fry the potatoes or add any oil (don’t worry, the last ingredient will take care of it) but i do peel the potatoes because i found the fry is too much work to flavor ratio (it’s a lot more active to monitor the potatoes for browning than to peel and throw them in a big pot and set a timer, but it does give it a very savory french fry flavor if you do decide to fry them first), and potato skins can cause stomach discomfort if you eat too much of it (something about enzymes?). it’s quite fast and low effort to remove the skin with a good peeler (i use the cheap $15 for 3 y-shaped peeler recommended by everyone from professional chefs to reviewers by kuhn rikon that is scary sharp and cheap enough to replace often despite it staying sharper than most of my peelers for longer) then:

i boil the potatoes in chicken broth (i use the knorr professional flavor base because it comes in a huge tub that you can use with rice and stuff, you just gotta chip off a little piece of the thing and it lasts forever without being $$$) and

throw a few blocks of a savory cheese instead of adding butter or cream. i found that this recipe is especially good at incorporating cheese because it mixes beautifully without getting the chewy or stringy texture when you make cheese too hot but it still add the butterfat flavor + the characteristics of the cheese without needing to use actual butter which i never seem to have on hand (i use the $14, four pound block of cheddar that i get from walmart and cut into rough chunks based on my intended usage before freezing. the cheese is cheap asf but tends to get moldy quickly if not used quick enough or if the fridge isn’t cold enough.) i’ve only tried a few standard blocks of cheese like the colby jack and cheddar you get in the refrigerated section, im not sure if soft cheeses would work as well with the flavor of the mashed potatoes or if hard aged cheeses would melt as easily, you might have to grate it first instead of just. throwing a 1.5 inch cube into the saucepan like i did when i made this but it still tastes great and you can’t even tell that there isn’t “butter” in it and it has more flavor depth than butter or cream alone

the broth will take care of the saltiness and the cheese will add the butterfat flavor missing from the butter so it doesn’t taste bland or inedible. you can add spices during the boiling period like garlic and onion powder or even like dried herbs for maximum flavor, but it’s honestly good enough to eat on its own.

the mashed potatoes are to die for and freeze beautifully so i’ll usually make this is bulk and freeze a bunch. it’ll be a bit grainy when reheating because the water will have separated from the cells of the potatoes but recooking it over the stove and mixing it a bit will bring it back to the original flavor and texture, maybe a little less wet and more deluxe or dense tasting if anything.

it’s savory, hearty, and comforting as fuck honestly. looks beautiful with a slight yellow tinge and would do numbers at a potluck since it scales well without a lot of additional work. i honestly ate more of this than i’m comfortable sharing when i was in the throes of depression esp. since i didn’t feel too bad since potatoes are the somewhat nutritionally complete (not entirely, you’ll need to supplement a few things but good enough when you’re tight on cash and have no energy)

the only upgrade i can think of would be to pass the mash through a sieve instead of mashing inside the pot (or a drum sieve if you’re fancy) as that helps with texture allegedly but i just used a fork. they’re soft enough usually after boiling. or like better ingredients but we’re here to ball on a budget

My perfect mashed potatoes

The secret is in the water; literally, it’s IN the water.

See, when you boil potatoes, a lot of special starches and sugars and stuff leeches out into the water. When you drain the water before mashing them, you throw away a lot of good stuff, which is a big part of what makes mashed potatoes “dry” and bland, even when you add large amounts of cream and butter and things.

So don’t throw out any water.

Here’s how you do that:

First, cut your potatoes into smaller cubes than you probably do. (I’ve left the skins on for flavor and also, that’s where a lot of a potato’s nutrients are, like protien and iron and vitamins B and C, just to name a few)

The reason for cutting them smaller (besides avoiding giant peices of skin) is so that there is less space in the pot between each peice for water to fill, so you use less water to cook them. That’s important because you won’t be draining any water, so you can’t afford to have too much water! For the same reason, just barely cover them with water when they go on the stove.

But! Before you do that, put the pot on the stove with some butter, garlic, and seasonings; let the butter start to sizxle just a little then put most of a single layer of potatoes in the pan and let the brown and sear. Turn them, brown them on all sides, get ‘em fairly dark (I forgot to get a pic here because I was worried I’d burn the butter).

Ready? now throw the rest of the potatoes in right on top, and add your water, give them a stir. This way, you’re boiling in some of that lovely fried potato/french fry flavor.

Okay, so, as they cook, you may need to add a little water, not too much! ideally the very highest piece of potato will be poking just above the surface. Now, when your potatoes are really really soft, mash them directly into the water. Just pull them off the stove, leave all the water in, and start mashing. Trust me. At first you’ll think there’s too much water. If you get them mashed and they ARE a little too liquidy, just put ‘em back on the stove. You’ll have to stir often or constantly, but they will steam off additional water without losing any good stuff.

Now add some salt, and taste. Right?! And you haven’t even put in any cream or cheese or anything yet.

Speaking of which, you can use like, a third of the amount of butter or cream or anything, and they will still taste better than usual. So they taste better AND they are higher in nutrients AND lower in fats and salts! That’s a lot of win — enjoy your potatoes!

Fuck Columbus! Indigenous Rights! And happy Thanksgiving!

[terrible-twst-oc-ideas]

3 Terrible Three Questions - Halloween Edition

Question 1: How do you celebrate Halloween? Do you do anything specific to celebrate?

🌰 Oh! My granny and I always used to go pumpkin picking. We’d pick out one pumpkin each, and then go home to carve them. They were never very good jack-o'-lanterns, but we had fun making them. The best part though was what we’d do with all the innards afterwards– we’d bake with them! We’d always make roasted pumpkin seeds and pumpkin nut muffins, and then pick out a new recipe to try, usually one that seemed weird. Last year, we made pumpkin pasta, and it was actually really good! I won’t be home to bake with her this year, but I am still planning to keep up the tradition while I'm at school. Granny even sent me a few recipes to try.

🎶 Not particularly. When I was still attending school in Fleur City, we’d usually participate in the Topsy-Turvy festival instead of celebrating Halloween. Our teachers would have us gather in the square and allow us to enjoy the festival at our leisure. I never liked it much – it was always too bright and chaotic – so I’d usually try to sneak off somewhere quieter. One year, I think when I was about seven or eight or so, I got it in my head that I’d simply walk all the way back to the school. I only made it to Noble Bell College’s main street when I was found and promptly returned to my teachers by one of the students, who’d recognized my school uniform. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but it probably saved me a lot of trouble…

🏹 Well, when I was younger, I used to compete with all the neighborhood kids at trick-or-treating. None of us would ever play fair, but that was part of the game – we’d all find the sneakiest way to collect as much candy as possible without getting caught cheating. Like, if you just bought bags of candy from the store or got it from your house, you’d get caught for being too obvious, and same for saving candy from previous years or holidays. I always had a winning strategy, though: I’d start early, get my brother to trick or treat with me for double the candy, and have him drive me around to different neighborhoods for maximum candy-age. It definitely worked every time.

Question 2: Do you enjoy horror media?

🎶 I don’t like horror movies, but I do appreciate a gothic horror novel every now and then, especially in the colder months. The idea of exploring an old, secret-filled castle or mansion has always stirred up my imagination, ever since I was a kid listening to my hometown’s old legends… It's admittedly my favorite thing about living in my dorm.

🏹 Uh, yeah, of course! I’m a horror movie champ. I can watch any of those movies no prob, and totally don’t get scared and wanna hide behind my brother or anything… I’ve never understood why he likes all those movies so much…

🌰 Um… no. Horror’s admittedly not my thing. Though, I might entertain seeing a horror movie on a date. The idea of cuddling a partner during a scary scene does have a particular romance to it...

Question 3: Do you usually dress up for Halloween? If so, what are you going as this year?

🏹 Yup! And this year, I'm going as a chimera! Been planning the costume since August, and I’ve already got all the stuff for it. It’s totally gonna wipe the socks off of the judges of the school’s costume contest this year.

🌰 I do enjoy dressing up when I can, usually in something elegant. This year, I’m planning on going as a ghost prince. I found this lovely sparkly white suit on clearance at the formal wear store in town, and I can’t wait to wear it.

🎶 No, but that hasn’t stopped Delano from trying to get me to wear something. He even went out of his way to buy me this vampire costume that... does have a particular classical and gothic quality to it… hmm. I think I'll probably end up humoring him and wear it, just so it doesn’t go to waste.

[moonflowerchanniesgirl]

Protection

Pairing: boyfriend chan x gn reader

Genre: fluff, drabble, light humor

Warning: cursing, mentions of threatening messages and calls,

Summary: Just a light moment when you confess to your boyfriend why you didn’t go to him for help.

Word Count: 900ish

Authors note: this is not an accurate representation of stray kids but an interpretation based on an idea that stems from them.

Wanted to do something light for Chan’s birthday and managed to get this done as I finish up a longer piece. Happy Birthday Channie~

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Chan yelled as soon as he walked in through the door. You were so surprised that you dropped your phone in panic as you looked at your boyfriend who was clearly very angry.

“Tell you what baby?” You asked cautiously as you bent to pick up your phone.

“That you’ve been getting threatening messages and phone calls,” he asked with his arms crossed and you felt your heart drop down to your stomach.

“How did you even find out about that?” You asked as you gulped nervously.

“My manager told me to pass you a list of lawyers that you had asked him for. When I told him I had no idea what he was talking about, he explained everything. You went to my manager for help but not me?” His voice went from quite loud to incredibly soft as he got in front of you and grabbed your shoulders. You realized that in your desperate need to find a solution you had forgotten to tell his manager not to tell Chan about your request.

“I was going to tell you soon,” you explained without really explaining in hopes that would be enough for Chan to drop it but of course Chan being Chan… it wasn’t.

“How soon?”

“As soon… as I dealt with it,” you finally said with a soft sigh. His hands dropped from your shoulders only to come around your back as he pulled you into a hug.

“Why not ask me for help? Or at least talk to me about it?” He let you nuzzle your face into his neck as he patted your back in a slow rhythm.

“I didn’t want to bother you while you were busy preparing for the comeback,” you grabbed at the material of his black hoodie, feeling safer than you had in weeks.

“Baby you’re never going to be a bother, come to me for anything especially if it's something scary like this.” Chan moved one hand from your back to the back of your head as he pressed your body against his with slightly more force. “I’m here to protect you yeah?”

“But I don’t want to always get protected by you, I want to be strong enough to protect you too.” You complained into his neck letting out more of your true emotions. Chan was the best boyfriend, he was busy but he made sure to be there whenever you needed him. He wasn’t always physically on your side but you knew that if you needed him, he’d be there for you through whatever you were going through. You lifted your head from his shoulder to look up at his face. “Want to protect you too,” you said with a pout that made Chan giggle. 

“But look at me! I’m your big strong wolf!” He made a growly barking sound that was more cute than threatening and you laughed at him. 

“Big strong wolves need protection too sometimes, I wish I could be one there for you instead of you being here for me all the time.”

“But you are there for me baby, whenever I can’t sleep and you make yourself stay up to keep me company when I missed my mom’s curry and you called her up to ask for the recipe.”

“Those are such small things though,” you complained while Chan leaned in to give you a peck on the lips.

“They mean the world to me. With you, I know that whenever I’ve had a good or bad day, I can come to you and you’d be there to listen to me and make my day better.” Chan leaned in again and this time he gave you a much longer kiss. He lightly nipped at your lips before pulling away. “That’s why always come to me first yeah?” He asked in a pretend stern way and you nodded.

“Alright Channie,” you said, and almost on cue before you could say more, your phone rang. You moved to check who it was even though already had your suspicions and you cursed them for ruining the moment. It was an unregistered number on your phone, not one that you were familiar with but you knew exactly who it was.

“The person who's been threatening you?” Chan asked when he noticed your reluctance to pick up the phone.

“Yeah no matter how many numbers I block they always seem to have a new one,” you complained as you showed him the number on your screen. Chan gently took the phone from you with a grim expression and he pressed to answer.

“Listen here you fucker, I don’t know who you are but if you don’t stop harassing my girlfriend I will personally make sure to give you as much distress as you have given to her,” he spoke harshly before he hung up and handed you back your phone.

“That was kinda hot of you,” you said as you slipped your phone into your pocket.

“Guess I’m your big strong hot wolf then,” he said with a grin as he pulled you closer again.

“Didn’t know you were such a furry.”

“What- that- I didn’t mean it like that!” Chan exclaimed as you laughed out loud. 

“I love you my big wolf,” you said as you hugged him.

“I love you too,” he hugged you back and you felt that no matter what happened, as long as the two of you were in each other’s arms, things would be alright.

“But I’m not a furry,” he started tickling your sides, ruining the moment as you started giggling hysterically while trying to get him to stop.

Things would be more than alright.

[projectilecry]

crock pots are fucking magical. get one, you can seriously pick them up for cheap at like goodwill and places like that, and look up some slow cooker recipes. the crock pot does the work for you while you go do other shit and you come back and have wonderful delicious fucking food ready for you. (and the crock pot is a jewish invention!!)

you don’t need lids for all of your pots. it makes them more annoying and harder to store. get a flat lid or two that’s pretty big so that you can use it for like any pot or pan you have. if they come with lids don’t just throw them away, but you can pretty safely put them an an annoying to reach area for long term storage if you have the flat lids.

a tip on food safety/storage: the rule i learned for foods that need to be refrigerated (like dairy and meat and anything that contains a decent bit of either) to keep them safe to eat was essentially a rule of fours. these foods have a window of four hours (cumulatively!!) that they can be in conditions between 40°f and 140°f and still be safe to consume. after that amount of time is up, they’ve been in suitable temperatures to harbor and grow bacteria for long enough that you really shouldn’t eat them. this is a bit flexible for some foods if they are uncooked and you’re going thoroughly cook them before eating, but it’s generally not the best practice. whole cuts of red meat like beef or lamb is probably the best bet for this type of treatment (or cheese, but some cheese doesn’t need to be refrigerated in the first place) (it’s often the hard cheeses that can do without refrigeration, the soft and wet cheeses should always be refrigerated just like dairy milk) as they are generally less dangerous bacteria prone than poultry, but it’s not advisable in general. moral of the story, don’t freak out if you accidentally leave your expensive tenderloin roast you were looking forward to out on the counter for five hours, just check it out to make sure nothing seems to have changed with it and it doesn’t now smell or look obviously off and it should be completely fine once properly cooked. do not, however, do this with any ground meats, as they can and do develop bacteria all throughout (every exposed surface is another place for bacteria to easily grow) much quicker than whole cuts (plus the die/extrusion plates used with the grinder and the grinder itself can easily harbor and grow its own bacteria which is then transferred to your meat when it’s ground). this is why humans can generally eat steaks that are still pretty raw inside, but you don’t and shouldn’t eat a burger that’s been barely cooked at all (a bit of pink is fine, but if it still looks raw at all or is a darker red it should be cooked more). the phrase i remember this rule by is four between forty and one-forty - maximum of four hours spent between the temperatures of 40°f and 140°f.

spices are your friends and aren’t scary. you don’t need super good quality of everything at first, there’s no need for the $10+ tiny jars of artesian garlic powder, the cheap store brand stuff will do unless you decide to invest in higher quality ones later. don’t be afraid to use them and experiment with them. sure, don’t dump like tablespoons of things in your food without knowing what you’re doing first, but add a little at a time and taste frequently when it’s safe too and you’ll get more comfortable with them in no time. the worst thing that will happen is your food ends up underseasoned, which can be pretty easily fixed (unlike overseasoning).

there is no real way to stop pasta from boiling over and doing that weird starch foam thing it does other than just having a really fucking big and oversized pot to the point there’s so much pot and so little water it physically can’t climb the whole side. none of those tricks and hacks you see will consistently stop it, and while some like putting a wooden spoon across the top can help mitigate the damage a little bit, you’re going to have a little boil over sometimes. don’t freak out about it, just turn down the heat a little bit and stir it around to collapse the bubbles. it’s not going to ruin anything, it’s literally just water and starch, and it’s quicker and easier to clean the outside of your pot and wipe your cooktop down after you’re done than it is to try to outright prevent boil-overs.

good and sharp knives keep you safe, especially if you’re not as good with them in the first place. i cannot stress this enough. sharp knives actually do what you want them to do and don’t require you to put half your body weight into leverage to try to cut something. a dull knife requires you to exert all sorts of weird force on it to get it to do what you want and increases your risk of it slipping and accidentally cutting you exponentially. be careful, of course, like you should with anything sharp at all, but don’t be afraid to work with properly sharp knives. if you’re uncomfortable with your skills, try practicing often on things you don’t necessarily need to cut but can. if you’re eating an apple for a snack, why not go cut it up beforehand for some extra practice instead of eating off the core?

you can grow a lot of your own vegetables pretty easily, and even from store bought ones!! you can make a simple container garden out of a home depot bucket or anything like it with a few holes poked in the bottom to allow drainage. squash are pretty easy to grow from seed (though you may want to start them inside in a small pot and transfer them into your outside containers once they’re not seedlings anymore, especially if you have rabbits) and fairly hearty, and if you chuck a grocery store tomato in any old patch of dirt it’ll probably start growing little baby plants by itself.

Anyway some things to follow when youre a beginner cook:

Don’t constantly shift your food around in the pan if you want to form a crust on it, the less you move it the better.

Don’t be afraid to add water if youre frying up food and the food/sauce looks a bit dry.

Don’t fry up your garlic early on in the cooking process (unless youre making a quick garlic oil) as the garlic flavour can straight up disappear if overcooked for too long and/or the garlic can become bitter if burnt

Don’t overcook your vegetables. Look up recommended cook times for them. Your distaste for vegetables stems from them being overcooked and being poorly seasoned.

Don’t microwave stuff for more than 2 minutes at a time unless you know what you’re doing. Reheating stuff tends to fare better when you mix food between microwaving times since microwaves develop hotspots if you microwave it uninterrupted for too long.

Don’t try cooking everything at the hottest setting. It’s super tempting to have a high flame and do a meal quickly but actually follow directions and cook at medium or low heat.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Yeah, I just was vibing. Hope you don't mind if I go off again...

I do not mind!! I now want to meet Steve’s girl and have the reader teach her some recipes. Or maybe the boys take them on a group date to a baseball match?

This is from Steve's girls' POV

Baked Over

No explicit warnings but you know the tone of my work. Bucky is a big jealous baby.

Please let me know what you think <3

🥧🥧🥧

“Try not to make a mess,” Steve’s large hand rests on your hip as he kisses your forehead, “and listen,” he whispers.

You wince as his breath tickles your ear and you give a nod, “yes, Captain.”

“Good girl,” he winks as he pulls back and looks at you, “I really like this,” he plays with the frilly trim of the apron he gave you that morning, “you look nice.”

“Thank you,” you smile and rub your arm as you glance over at your visitor. She watches you vacantly as her husband’s hand lingers shamelessly on her behind. “We should get started.”

“Yes, I can’t wait,” Steve says, “Buck, come on, we gotta figure out this thing today or I’m just gonna trash it.”

“I told you it was a clunker,” Bucky parts from the other woman with one last pinch, “but you never listen to good sense.”

You give a shallow laugh as the men leave. The other woman goes to the counter and unpacks the cloth bag she brought with her. She’s quiet as she sets down three shining Gala apples.

“Thanks so much for this,” you come to her side, “I’ve been watching all these videos but my pastry just doesn’t turn out.”

“No problem,” she says, “pastry is… fickle. And I need to do something with these apples.”

“Last time I served pie, Captain got sick.”

She tucks her lower lip under her teeth and nods as she continues to pull out ingredients, “you really call him Captain all the time?”

“Um, habit, mostly just… to him, but it’s easier,” you have to keep yourself from hyperventilating, “he likes it.”

She looks over at you, “yeah, they’re like that. Anyway,” she sighs, “I wasn’t sure if you had a good pan but I have a spare, so I brought it with me.”

“Oh, thank you, you didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s fine,” she shrugs.

You smile. It’s nice, you only hope you don’t ruin it. She starts, running through the steps by rote; peel and chop the apples, next, mix the dry ingredients, then… you try to follow her instructions, even as she slows down and has you do it yourself. Still, you don’t have a mind for it. You told Steve a dozen times, your head doesn’t work like that.

“You okay?” She stops as she lines the pan with the dough. It looks better than anything you’ve ever done.

“Mhmm,” you hum weakly. She’s so confident about all this. “Um,” you stare at the band on her finger, the large stone sparkling beneath the remnants of flour, “how long have you and Bucky… been married?”

“Couple years, I think,” she answers dully, “are you and Steve planning to…”

“Oh, er, he really wants to. It’s all he talks about but I just think it’s so early. Moving in that was… a lot. And it’s only because my building kind of… well, there was something about a buyout. Anyway, um, I’m rambling.”

“No, it’s fine, Bucky’s not much of a talker.”

“Yeah, he’s scary,” you say without thinking then cover your mouth. She looks at you but doesn’t answer. You drop your hands, “I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

“Let me give you some advice, don’t marry him,” she says, “if you can, get out. This Captain thing, that’s the first step.”

“What do you mean?”

She gives you another long stare. You teeter on your feet and blink as you avoid her gaze.

“You know,” she says and she’s right, you know, but she doesn’t know, you can’t leave.

[moemoemammon]

Tall undateables with super short MC please I love the first one!

Are Humans Supposed to be This Small?

(Feat. GN!MC and the Dateables)

(Part 1 with the brothers here!)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Diavolo

Diavolo is enchanted with the human world, and yet he didn't expect for you to be so... tiny? Even so, it's downright adorable! Look at you, practically the size of a child!

What a tiny little thing you are, like a little collectible doll! Diavolo would love to keep you in his castle if it weren't for the rules of the exchange program....

But that doesn't mean he can't invite you over every chance he gets! Be it for afternoon tea or a simple tour of his home, the Demon Lord can't get enough of your company! He has a special affection for small and cute things, and you fit the bill!

Unfortunately it's hard for him to take you seriously when you're mini... But then again, is there anyone Diavolo takes seriously?

"MC, are you free this afternoon? I would love if you'd come to visit again. Barbatos has prepared more uniforms that should fit you perfectly, along with a few other things that I've picked myself! I'd like to see if I understand your tastes."

Barbatos

The loyal butler was known for always being ready for whatever could be thrown in the Prince's way, and yet.... somehow, he didn't account for you being so tiny.

You're practically the size of a common toddler on the Devildom! It's as charming as it is troubling, since he worries that you'll be made into a meal.

He trusts Lucifer so Barb doesn't doubt that you'll be well taken care of. Though as far as the OTHER brothers go, he has his doubts... especially about Beel who's bound to mistake you for a club sandwich-

But by some miracle you DO survive, and he couldn't be happier! Diavolo sure does enjoy your company, and you've grown on the mysterious butler. It's also pretty funny watching you try to eat an entire slice of cake on your own-

"I imagine Lucifer and the others are taking proper care of you, but I can imagine such a busy household can be overwhelming for someone fo your size. Should you ever need a break, feel free to come and visit. I'd love to serve you."

Solomon

You 🤝Solomon Being the tiniest ones around

Though Sol already knew that, what with the 92739378473 demon pacts he's got. He's seen enough demons to make sure he's well prepared for this year in the Devildom.

Magically adjusting his uniform is a breeze! He's willing to get yours all fixed up for you too, if you want? Though, it’d be pretty funny to see how you'd attend school while they tired to tailor something for you-

Probably cheats and uses a spell to make himself bigger-

"It's intimidating, isn't it? The size difference? I remember the first time I met a demon... it was exciting! Though I guess for someone like you who can't use magic, it must be scary. I'm sure you'll be fine though."

Simeon

Ah..... were humans always so small? It made sense in a way, as an angel's duty was to protect humanity. Something so tiny clearly needed protection!

He finds it endearing, and is ready to take you under his wing like he does with Luke. Have you eaten today, MC? How are your classes going? Do you want to walk home together? Here, have a snack! Do you need help reaching what's on the shelf?

Simeon dotes on you and he'll continue to do it unless someone stops him- You'll be spoiled rotten at this rate! Also may or may not have a tendency to snap pictures of you doing cute things-

Head pats head pats head pats-

"I'm patting your head again? Ahaha, I'm sorry. You're the perfect height for it, so I find myself doing it without thinking. Eh? I snapped a photo?? That was an accident but... I'd like to keep it, if you don't mind."

Luke

HE SHOULDN'T BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS, YET NOT BEING THE SHORTEST ANYMORE IS....

Ehem. Luke contains his excitement in favor of realizing an undeniable fact: You're BOUND to fall victim to one of those nasty brothers! You're so small there's no way you can protect yourself!!!

It's like he's designated himself your guardian angel/big brother, and he's taking his role very seriously! Don't worry MC, he won't let any slimy demons lay a claw on you!!

If there's anyone that's close to you, it's definitely Luke. He's only a little bigger than you are, after all! He sticks to you like glue and often invites you over for sweets. It's better to be in welcoming company than to hang around those demons, right?

"If anything happens, you can count on me! I don't mind if you sleep over, so come by if you're sick of those brothers! And if it's the weekend, we can stay up and try out a few recipes I've come up with! You'll try them, won't you?"

[shxfting]

onyx is a little…apprehensive of an arranged marriage. it’s a lot of responsibility and while he would never purposely do anything to jeopardize the court, he can’t stop thinking about all the ways this could accidentally blow up in his face. and beyond any diplomatic concerns, what if they just don’t get along? what if they’re total opposites or too similar and it’s a recipe for disaster? after a long talk with his mother, he shifts his thinking. what are all the ways this could go right? and it’s still scary, but in a weirdly exciting way.

he’s relieved that their introduction is in private. he’s sure he would’ve been a bundle of nerves with all the royals watching. he still sort of is, but it’s much more manageable without an audience. he smiles brightly at the compliment. “oh, wow, that’s very nice of him. i hope i can live up to the, uh, expectations he’s set,” he responds. “i’ve heard good things about you too. i know mei from a long time back and i sort of asked her about you and she had, like, an almost obsessively long list of nice things to say.”

@shxfting sent: ❥ from onyx for one of the fae???? || Send ❥ for my muse’s reaction to an arranged marriage with yours.

calix asked first, which she appreciates. she didn’t expect it, honestly. she’s always known an arrangement was a possibility, but she didn’t expect to be consulted on it. but calix did, and he was surprisingly straightforward about why he thought it was a good idea. if she didn’t want it, she was free to say no. he would figure something else out. but… it’s kind of an easy choice. the court of fortunes isn’t going to murder her for shits and giggles. mathilda? might. and if merlin is willing to do this, why shouldn’t she be? maybe she’ll get lucky and they’ll fall in love. or maybe they can just be friends. she’ll take that, too. anything that isn’t miserable sounds great.

she’s glad that they get to meet just the two of them. there will be an engagement party later, she’s sure, but she’s never liked being the center of attention and meeting her fiance with everyone watching sounds like a nightmare scenario. “i’ve, uh, heard good things,” she tells him, with a tentative smile. “calix thinks pretty highly of you and your court.”

[ibasae]

Sprout*Waning Hermitage - Wednesday 2

Shu: ...(chewing)

(Aaah, rich fragrance fills my nostrils the second I bite into it! This bakery's croissant is an unmatched perfection, after all...!)

(Having some croissants from this place is almost the first thing I do whenever I come back to Japan!)

(I wonder what made the difference? The flour...salt...? Or is it the water...)

(If it's possible, I'd like to figure out the recipe so I can bring it to France with me. That way, I'd get to taste this every day.)

(The bread overseas just can't compare, I can't stand it... Although, some of it is tolerable.)

(But in the end, Japanese-made bread suits Japanese people's tastes the most. Even if you disregard that, the bread from this bakery is a top tier delicacy.)

(Huu--- perfect croissants and a cup of delicious coffee. This is what a breakfast in heaven looks like, my day is ought to be filled with happiness after this.)

Mika: ...[1]

Shu: Ack! K-Kagehira?! Don't just stand at the door without saying anything! You could seriously give someone a heart attack.

Mika: ...

Shu: ...Kagehira? Are you still not awake? Pull yourself together. Since when were you this sleepy in the mornings? It's not like you're Rei.

Shu: Did you stay up all night seeking entertainment?

Mika: ...

Shu: Kagehira...? Can you hear me? Are you quite alright?

Mika: ! Uwah?!

Shu: Uwaaaah?! W-what the hell?! Why are you so loud all of a sudden?!

Mika: Eh?! Oshi-san, What's wrong? When did ya get there?

Shu: I'm the one that should be asking that! Is there something unusual about me having breakfast in the kitchen?

Mika: Um...Kitchen? Uwah, yer right! This is the kitchen! Why am I in the kitchen?!

Shu: ....

Mika: Oshi-san....? Why are ya makin' that scary face?

Shu: Kagehira! Have youlost your mind from sleeping so much? You are way too relaxed. Do you not remember that we are in the middle of a new song's touch-up?

Mika: Eh~? But I really weren't slackin' off! I found myself here unconsciously....

Shu: That's why I said you slept too much.

Mika: Ngah~ I might've gone silly from sleeping then. Even though I don't think that's the case...

Shu: Non! Seriously...Have some self respect, you are a member of Valkyrie! You have to straighten up your attitude in your daily life.

I will be especially hard on you in today's practice, mentally prepare yourself. Perhaps that will straighten up your mind.

Well, time is precious. Let's head to the ES building and begin today's practice session.

Mika: ♪~ ♪~

Shu: ...!

Mika: 'M done.

Shu: W-well that's... fantastic! Kagehira! You managed to achieve this amount of progress in one day...!

Shu: You are exactly like a marionette. You are even better at it than you were in past Valkyrie! Spectacular job, Kagehira!

Hm, but now the stage isn't good enough for your dancing... Then I'll cooperate with Kagehira and change up the decorations...

Hm, yeah. I'll have to use the plan that I thought was too difficult to execute....

Mika: ...

Shu: Huh? Oh, yeah. My apologies. I was lost in my own world for a second.

"Acanthe" is the catalyst of Kagehira's thoughts, as well. So I should ask your opinions on things.

To match your acting, I'd like to include this change in the stage decorations. How do you feel?

Mika: ...Sure.

Shu: Then, you can rest assured I'll be taking good care of the stage decorations. I'll match it to your current acting level, and we'll have the most perfect of performances.

Mika: ...

Shu: ? Kagehira?

You aren't nearly as energized as you usually are... are you perhaps tired?

Hm, to achieve this level of perfection, you must have worked hard outside of practice.

Let's end practice early then. That suits me too, I can properly study how we can change up the current decorations.

Go to your room and rest well, Kagehira.

Mika: ...

Shu: ? Left without saying a word... That's certainly strange. I've never seen Kagehira so quiet.

Aack. I'll go check on him after I wrap up this bit. I'll go back to my room to finish up the performance design and the stage decorations. Ah, right. I forgot the outfits...

Maybe I'll head to the ES clothing gallery for that, I always think clearer there.

Mika moves with an almost robotic animation in his live2D for the duration of this dialouge, he only snaps out of it when Shu shakes him