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badchoicesposts · 5 years ago

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In A Land of Myth...

Chapter 12

Summary: When Selene, a young sorceress, arrived in Stormholt she had every intention of remaining anonymous. King Constantine Rys had strict rules on sorcery. The act itself was punishable by death, and she had no desire to be burnt at the stake for her “crimes”. However, it becomes increasingly difficult for her to remain unseen when she becomes Prince Liam’s personal maidservant, and it seems that it’s her job to protect him from everyone that wants to kill him.

Disclaimer: This AU is a cross between TRR, The Crown and The Flame, and BBC’s Merlin. Merlin follows the tale of King Arthur and the sorcerer Merlin. Merlin comes to Camelot where magic is outlawed and is made Prince Arthur’s servant. You do not have to watch the show to understand this fic, but it is based on the BBC show Merlin so the story line will be similar. I don’t own the plot to Merlin or any of the TRR characters.

Word Count: 3,340

Author’s Note: This series is finally back and with a new mood board! Thanks so much for being so patient with the fact that it took so long!

Taglist: @flowerpowell, @bobasheebaby, @alexintheskyy, @slytherincursebreaker, @kingliam2019, @furiousherringoperatortoad, @goldenbirdcrystalcage, @burnsoslow, @zilch3, @desiree-0816, @sanchita012

Let me know if you would like to be added to or removed from the taglist!

Catch Up: Masterlist

“I put Kiara up in the room right next to yours, and her father is down the hall,” Selene told Liam.

“Good. The room next to mine is great,” Liam said with a dreamy look in his eyes causing Selene to look at him in curiosity.

“You know, Kiara is really pretty,” she said casually as she began sorting through his laundry.

Liam let out a soft laugh.

“She’s more than just pretty. She’s beautiful, she’s…” he trailed off, wiping the lovesick look off of his face once he noticed her amused gaze. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“I didn’t say anything,” she said, with a smile.

“You didn’t have to. I know that look,” he said with a smile. “I’ll have you know that my intentions with Kiara are completely noble.”

“Of course, Prince Liam,” she teased, grabbing a basketful of his laundry and making her way to the door so she could get started washing it.

Selene had barely made it out of Liam’s chambers when she let out a surprised yelp as she felt a firm grip on her wrist, causing her to turn towards a concerned looking Madeleine. The King’s ward led her to a more secluded corner before immediately launching into her questions.

“Who was that woman?” she asked harshly, causing Selene to startle slightly.

“Lady Kiara. Liam and I saw her and her father being attacked in the woods and brought them back with us,” she said.

“How long are they staying here?”

“I’m not sure. Constantine said that they were welcome for as long as they wished to remain. I think he’s considering Kiara as a potential suitor for Liam,” she said, recalling the way the king had spoken earlier. “Liam seems to like her too.”

“They can’t stay here!” Madeleine said insistently, her eyes giving away her concern.

“What? Why? What’s wrong?” Selene questioned.

Madeleine looked conflicted, and Selene could tell that she was holding something back.

“Madeleine, what is it? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me,” she said, trying to convince her to open up.

“Nevermind,” she finally said, turning away from her and walking away purposefully.

Selene stood rooted to her spot for a moment, not sure what she was supposed to do now. Something was obviously bothering Madeleine, but if she didn’t tell her what was going on she couldn’t exactly do anything to help. She carried on with her chores, getting to work on Liam’s laundry and wondering what could be bothering the other woman. Maybe she was jealous because Liam was showing interest in another woman. Liam was showing interest in another woman. Selene was happy for him. She was so happy for him. He deserved to find someone great.

She groaned in frustration as she scrubbed at a dirt stain in one of shirts that refused to come out. She was being passive aggressive. Selene dropped the shirt back into the bucket of water in front of her and sighed tiredly as she thought back to the moment she had shared with Drake a mere week ago.

The two had been avoiding each other like the plague since, both refusing to bring up what happened. She felt another surge of guilt. She was jealous of Liam having feelings for someone when she had been kissing Drake just a few days prior. She was a terrible person. She sighed and began hanging his clothes out to dry before making her way back into the castle. She walked quickly through the halls, a purpose behind every step. If she didn’t talk to someone about what was going on she was going to explode.

“Come with me,” she said, throwing Leo’s door open and grabbing his arm.

“Where are we going?” he asked as she continued pulling him down to the physician’s quarters without answering.

“Hello, Xinghai. Hana, can we talk?” she asked inclining her head towards her small bedroom.

Hana looked at the two of them curiously before following them into the bedroom. Selene pushed Leo down onto the bed and began pacing back and forth in front of him as Hana sat down next to him.

“This is all your fault,” she said, pointing aggressively in his direction. “You and Maxwell did this!”

“Did what exactly?” Leo asked, smirking in her direction and crossing his arms over his chest.

“I was perfectly happy believing that I didn’t have feelings for either one of them and living in blissful ignorance, but then you had to open your big mouth,” she continued rambling.

“What’s going on?” Hana whispered leaning closer to Leo so he could hear her.

“Selene is finally realizing that both Drake and Liam have feelings for her, and I’m guessing she’s realizing that she has feelings for both of them too,” Leo responded, not bothering to lower his voice.

Selene finally stopped pacing and let out a loud groan.

“I kissed Drake,” she confessed, a pained expression on her face.

Hana’s jaw dropped, and Leo let out an impressed whistle.

“I didn’t know you had it in you,” Leo said with a smirk, causing her to roll her eyes.

“And he pushed me away,” she finished, her shoulders dropping in disappointment. “He said that he couldn’t because he could tell that I had feelings for Liam too.”

“What are you going to do?” Hana asked.

“I don’t know! That’s why you’re here,” she said motioning to Leo. “You caused this now you have to tell me how to fix it!”

“Sorry, I don’t fix problems. I just cause them,” he said casually, leaning back against his elbows.

“I hate you!” she said, grabbing a pillow from the bed and throwing it at him. “How am I supposed to make a decision. I should never be left to make decisions. I’m an idiot!”

“You should explore your options. Spend time with the both of them,” Leo said.

“That’s your advice? Just lead them both on?” she asked incredulously.

However, his next comment was promptly interrupted by the sound of Xinghai’s voice ringing through the main room of his and Hana’s chambers.

“Ah, my favorite patient! What brings you by today?” he asked jovially.

“I had another dream. A nightmare,” Madeleine’s voice broke through the air.

Selene raised up her hand to silence him and inched closer towards the door that separated Hana’s room from the main room of their chambers. She pressed her ear against the closed door in attempts to hear their conversation better.

“Liam was drowning, and there was a woman standing over him. She wasn’t touching him, but I could tell that she was the one keeping him under. It was that woman, Kiara,” Madeleine said, causing Selene to take in an anxious breath.

“The mind plays tricks, my dear,” Xinghai said soothingly. “It borrows from everyday life and uses that information to play out its own fantasy. I’m sure everything is going to be just fine.”

“But, I had the dream before she came to Stormholt,” Madeleine insisted.

“You must be mistaken,” Xinghai said again. “Have you been taking the sleeping draught I’ve been sending you?”

“It doesn’t help,” Madeleine replied, her discomfort still obvious in her voice.

“Here, take this. It’ll make you sleep stronger,” Xinghai said.

Selene heard the front door shut a few moments later, and she let out a nervous breath. Leo cleared his throat loudly behind her, causing her to turn back to the two of them. Neither of them had heard the conversation between Madeleine and Xinghai as clearly as she had. Even if they had, she wasn’t sure their minds would have gone to the same place hers did.

“I have to go,” she said, absentmindedly twirling a curl around her finger as her mind began moving a mile a minute.

She opened the door to Hana’s bedroom and sprinted out, saying goodbye to Xinghai on her way out. She went through the motions of the rest of the day on autopilot. That is until Liam pulled her out of her distracted state that evening.

“I’m taking Kiara out for a ride to show her around Stormholt. Can you make sure that two horses are prepared?” Liam asked with a smile.

Selene hesitated for a minute, remembering Madeleine’s dream. However, she couldn’t exactly say no.

“Of course, sire,” she said, causing him to look at her in surprise.��

She had gotten into the habit of simply calling him Liam and only ever used a title for him when they were around others and it would seem inappropriate to address him casually.

“What’s troubling you?” he asked, approaching her and pulling her to sit down next to him on his bed.

“Nothing. I’m just tired. I’ll go prepare your horses,” she said, slipping out of his grasp and moving down to the stables.

She made sure everything was ready for the two of them and saw them off before retiring for the day. She picked at her dinner nervously as she tried to figure out a way to bring up Madeleine’s dream with Bastien.

“Bas, there’s something I wanted to ask you,” she finally said, causing him to look up from his plate.

“What is it?”

“Madeleine was being strange this morning after she saw Kiara and her father Hakim, and then when I was visiting Hana I overheard a conversation she had with Xinghai,” she said.

“What conversation?” he asked, listening with rapt attention.

That was something Selene loved about Bastien. He always listened to her. He never brushed off her concerns or made her feel stupid.

“She said that she had seen Kiara killing Liam in a dream, a dream she had before she and Hakim came to Stormholt.”

Bastien let out a nervous breath.

“Is it possible that she has some kind of magical ability?” she finally asked.

“It’s a… possibility,” Bastien said slowly, causing Selene to narrow her eyes at him.

“You already knew didn’t you?” she asked.

“I suspected when I first heard of her nightmares. They may not not be nightmares as much as they are prophecies, visions of the future. I think she may be a seer,” he concluded.

“If that’s true I should talk to her,” she said.

“No,” Bastien immediately said, his guard automatically going up.

“Why not? I can show her that magic isn’t something to be afraid of, that Constantine’s views are wrong,” she argued.

“She’s Constantine’s ward, Selene. If we’re wrong about this then you would have just confided in someone close to him about your own abilities. You can’t risk it,” he insisted. “You would be giving her leverage over you.”

“Bas,” she let out a tired sigh. “I want to help her.”

“I know, but it’s too dangerous.”

“Fine, it’s too dangerous. But, what about right now? If Madeleine’s this great and powerful witch who can see the future and Kiara is trying to kill Liam, what do I do?” she asked.

“You save him,” Bastien replied simply, causing her to roll her eyes in annoyance.

“Can I go one day without having to save him? My life has gotten unnecessarily complicated since I got to Stormholt. You know for a place where magic is outlawed, there seems to be a lot of it around here,” she groaned out. “I should let him figure this out by himself for once.”

Bastien just gave her a knowing look.

“Oh, fine, whatever, I’ll do it myself,” she grumbled, pushing her plate away from her and standing up.

“Where are you going?”

“To talk to Madeleine,” she said, causing Bastien to throw his hands up in frustration.

“What did I just say?” he asked.

“Relax, I’m not going to tell her anything. But, maybe I can calm her down a bit. She seemed inconsolable when I spoke to her earlier.”

Selene walked through the castle halls slowly, trying to figure out how what she was supposed to say to Madeleine when she saw her. She couldn’t tell the other woman that she had magic, but if she didn’t deny it maybe that would get her to open up to the idea. She came to the woman’s door and knocked softly. She was greeted by a smiling Penelope who motioned for her to enter the room.

“Can you give us a moment?” she asked, inclining her head towards Madeleine.

“Of course, if that’s alright with you my lady,” Penelope said, looking towards her employer for confirmation.

“Of course, Penelope. Thank you,” Madeleine said absentmindedly.

Selene approached Madeleine cautiously and took a deep breath before speaking.

“Madeleine, are you alright? You seemed upset when we spoke this morning,” she said slowly.

“I’m fine,” the woman snapped, causing Selene to take a deep breath to avoid getting upset.

“I was with Hana earlier, and I heard what you told her father. I heard about your nightmare,” she said softly.

“And you think I’m crazy?” Madeleine asked, her voice still hard.

“No, I don’t. I just wanted to ask if you were sure. Are you sure that Kiara is the person you saw killing Liam?” she asked, noticing the surprised look on Madeleine’s face at her statement.

“I’m sure of it. And I’m not going to let her get away with it,” she said with determination.

“Let me take care of it,” Selene responded.

“What? Why? How are you going to stop her?”

“I’m not saying that I think for sure that she’s trying to kill him, but there is something about her that I don’t fully trust either,” she responded, not wanting to say that she believed her dream was a vision of the future, but also not wanting to invalidate her feelings. “First, I need to find out who she really is, and what she and her father wants.”

“How do you plan on doing that?”

“I’m a serving girl, remember? It’s my job to clean up rooms around the castle,” she said with a mischievous look. “Don’t worry, Madeleine. I’ll take care of this.”

Selene left the other woman with a reassuring nod and made her way to Kiara’s room. She knew it would be unoccupied because the woman was out with Liam. Her stomach dropped as she remembered this. If Kiara truly wanted to kill Liam she could be doing it right at that moment. Selene battled internally with the thought for a moment, before continuing on to the woman’s room. She pushed the door open and looked around as it shut quietly behind her. Nothing in the room seemed out of the ordinary. In fact the room didn’t seem to be used at all. The only thing that was different was the tall staff that was leaning against the wall next to the bed. Kiara and Hakim both carried it with them at all times, and the woman taken hers when she left with Liam, so this must have been her father’s.

At first glance, Selene had originally thought that the father and daughter had been using them as walking sticks, but on closer inspection, she realized how ornate it was. The staff itself was taller than her, which made sense because Kiara and Hakim were both taller than her, and there were intricate carvings along the wood. There was a large blue crystal at the top of the staff, and it seemed to light up at Selene’s touch.

“What are you doing in here?” an angry voice called from behind her.

Selene whipped around quickly, meeting the gaze of a furious Hakim.

“I’m so sorry. I’m Prince Liam’s servant, I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay in here,” she quickly explained. “Next time I’ll make sure you or your daughter is present before I enter next time. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“See to it that it doesn’t,” Hakim growled out, his eyes briefly flashing red.

Selene did her best not to outwardly react to this, bowing her head slightly to the man in a respectful manner instead and running out the door. She ran back to her chambers without stopping and threw the door open.

“Hakim has red eyes!” she exclaimed, shrinking back as she noticed that Drake and Bastien were both staring at her in surprise. “I mean hello, Drake. How do you do?”

She smiled at him awkwardly, and he did the same, neither one of them making eye contact with each other.

“I was in Kiara’s room cleaning, and by cleaning I mean snooping, and Hakim caught me, and as he was yelling at me his eyes glowed red,” she said.

Selene walked over to the desk Bastien had at the other side of the room and grabbed a piece of parchment and quill from it, bringing it back to where the two men sat at the dining table of their chambers. She began scribbling down the markings she had seen on Hakim’s staff before turning it towards Bastien.

“Does this mean anything to you?”

Bastien shot a nervous look in Drake’s direction and cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“Drake, perhaps you should go,” he said.

“It’s okay. He knows,” Selene said, causing both men to turn to her in surprise.

She had originally planned on keeping the fact that Drake knew about her magic a secret from Bastien, but at this point it couldn’t really do any harm. If anything it would help to have another set of eyes.

“Selene,” Bastien began to scold her, causing her to smile at him sheepishly.

“It’s not my fault! He figured it out on his own!”

“Then it is your fault! He wouldn’t have figured it out if you weren’t so reckless,” he argued.

“Have you ever stopped to think that maybe Drake’s just really smart. If anything it’s his fault for actually using his brain,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest and jutting out her hip.

Drake snickered softly and for a moment it was as if there was no awkwardness between the two of them as she elbowed him roughly to get him to shut up. Bastien rolled his eyes at the two of them and pulled the piece of parchment closer to him. He examined her scribbles for a few moments before rising and rifling through the books he had in his wardrobe. He opened it to a specific page and handed it to her. She looked over the page to see similar markings to the ones that had been on Hakim’s staff. The heading on the page indicated that the creatures were called “the sidhe”, and illustrations of small, blue humanoid creatures with wings were all over the page. They looked like magical creatures out of some fairy tale.

“So the sidhe are like fairies?” she asked, looking up to him for confirmation.

“Oh, no. They’re a cruel race and are masters of enchantment. If we’re dealing with the sidhe Liam could be in grave danger,” Bastien said.

“Of course because it could never be easy for me,” she said, rolling her eyes and sitting down next to Drake. “Last week I was saving Drake’s life and now I’m saving Liam’s. Again. You’d all be dead without me.”

“Technically, it was your fault that you had to save me in the first place,” Drake said.

“Details, details. If the sidhe are freaky, little fairy things, why do Hakim and Kiara look like regular humans?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Looks like you’ll need to find that out on your own,” Bastien said.

~~~

Lucretia looked up from the water filled basin she was watching Stormholt through and replayed Bastien’s words in her mind. The sidhe. Perhaps this would be easier than she thought. She didn’t know this Kiara and Hakim, but if what she knew about the sidhe was correct perhaps they could make this job easier for her. Bastien was right. They were vicious and powerful. If they wanted Liam dead then she had no doubt that they would be able to accomplish it. Constantine’s perfect son would be dead, and she wouldn’t even have to lift a finger.

#the royal romance #the royal heir #trr #trh #liam x mc #liam #king liam #drake walker #drake x mc #drake walker x mc #bastien lykel #bastien x mc #trr bastien #my fics #choices #playchoices #choices fics

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itsreallylaterightnow · 5 years ago

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Sometimes I Feel Like I’m Being Pulled In So Many Directions (Irondad Fic Exchange 2019)

Summary:

Peter knows he did poorly on his final, and he feels bad enough. Then May finds out. Peter doesn't know how to handle all the pressure of being a normal high-school teenager on top of trying to balance the responsibility that comes with being spider-man.

Thank fully he has Tony Stark and May Parker to keep him in check- and comfort the stressed teen along the way.

Notes:

Hey guys! Ok, so rant coming:

I poured my heart and soul into the two pics that I did for the Irondad Fic Exchange. I spent so long outlining and writing and re-writing the two works that I signed on for. I tried to craft them for the enjoyment of the two wonderful people that I was writing for. Then someone came onto my last fic and called me "Laughably stupid". I just.. I don't understand pointless hate. I'm all here for constructive criticism. But blatant hate on something that was a gift for someone else is just... not okay. So, if you have anything rude to say, keep it to yourself. All you are doing is discouraging me. It was quite hard for me to build up the courage to post this after that. So, please just be positive.

The prompt I chose from Whimsicalethnographies was "May grounds Peter for something non-Spider-man related and Peter sneaks out to the Tower, cue co-parenting." I hope they enjoy this fic! I loved writing it!

also the title and the line in this fic that follows the name of the title are from the BBC show Merlin, which everyone should watch!

Warnings: Mild Depictions of a Panic Attack (Nothing too serious, but take care of yourselves babes)

Tags:

@irondad-fic-exchange @whimsicalethnographies

Peter had felt sick for the past three hours. He had done really, like really bad on his Chemistry mid-term. He had been handed the results and he felt hot tears pricking in his eyes. Peter had ignored Ned and MJ the rest of the day, hiding behind exhaustion and his hoodie. Peter knew May was going to kill him. Ever since she found out about his extra-curricular activities, she had insisted he could continue as Spiderman as long as his grades and mental health didn’t suffer. He had been able to maintain a fairly solid mental health situation, I mean sure, most of the time it came from him just pushing back all of his real feelings. But, up until now his grades hadn’t suffered. Peter had been able to do keep up his schoolwork and web-slinging, but last week had been a huge arms bust, and Peter had gotten so carried away that he had completely failed to realize that he had his chemistry midterm coming up. He had thought he could have scraped by with a C, but Peter got the test back with 1 point above an F. He had passed, barely, but his entire grade was going to be trashed.

Peter rushed out of school the second the bell sounded, finding the nearest ally and slipping into his Spidey gear. “Good afternoon, Peter.” Karen’s familiar voice greeted him, and Peter sighed.

“Hey Karen.” Peter began swinging his way to the top of the building.

“Peter, you appear to be in distress. Would you like me to call Boss?”

“What? No- no, Karen I’m fine. Just, just mute.” He would deal with this disaster later when he needed to. Peter heard someone yelling in the distance and all thoughts of his stress went away.

Peter moaned deep in his throat as he slipped in through his window. He could smell May’s tragic cooking coming from the kitchen as he tapped the spider emblem on his chest. He tossed his backpack onto his bunk and slipped out of the uniform. His right shoulder was killing him, but he knew the strain would be healed in about an hour, so he ignored it as he pulled a Midtown sweater on.

Peter looked down at the test peeking out of his backpack. The infuriating D- making him want to scream. He rolled his eyes and left the room, finding May standing over the stove and stirring burned rice. Peter grimaced as he popped onto the counter, munching on a grape.

“So, I’m guessing you want me to order our usual?” May just huffed, turning to Peter and pushing her wide-frame glasses up on her nose. She began sniffing and made a sour face.

“What I would rather you do, is shower before you come into my kitchen after spidering around Queens!” She exclaimed, tossing her dish towel at him with a grin on her lips. Peter caught it as he slid from the counter, hands raised in defeat.

“Alright, alright. But I expect Martin’s Thai to be on their way with our order by the time I get out!” He quipped back before slipping back to his shower. The second the door closed behind him; Peter felt a tension release around his shoulder. It had become too normal for him to have painted a mask of being “okay”. May thought he was handling everything fine, but Peter knew he had just perfected the art of faking it.

The heat of the shower on Peter’s sore muscles had him sighing. It was little moments of peace like this where Peter could catch his breath. It took him longer than normal to finish his shower, and when Peter slipped into his pajamas his stomach growled. Okay, so the single grape he had eaten wasn’t enough to curve his hunger. He was really hoping the Martin’s was already here.

Peter ducked out of the bathroom, using his towel to dry out his curls. He passed by his room and tossed his towel without looking in there, on his way to the kitchen, when May cleared her throat. Why is May in my room? Peter turned back around, sliding into his room before his feet froze on sight. May was sat on his bed, Chemistry test in hand, and an unreadable expression on her face.

“Hey, May- Uh”- She held up a hand, mouth in a grim line.

“Save it. I’m not going to talk about it right now, because I know I would start yelling, and I don’t want to have to apologize for that.” She took a deep breath and stood up. “Do your homework, finish all of it. Study for whatever you need to study for, I’ll bring your food when it arrives.” She turned to walk from the room and Peter huffed.

“So, you’re just going to ignore me, then?” May laughed, in a way that made Peter know that she did not find the situation funny.

“Peter, you hid this from me. You know our deal, and you lied to me. I’m not ignoring you; I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do about this. I’m still learning how to do this whole parent thing, so a little grace would be very appreciated!” She stated, her hands flying in exasperation. Peter felt his nerves grating against one another, and he should have kept his mouth shut, but he had never been very good at that.

“You’re right. You’re not my parent. So, I made a bad grade, alright? So, let’s just forget about it, it won’t happen again.” May was fuming at this point, Peter knew the nonchalance that he had laced into his voice was really driving her crazy, but he couldn’t seem to care.

“Peter. Benjamin. Parker. I did not sign on for this. I was thrust into having you. And I would never change that, but I am still learning. I don’t have Ben anymore, and he was always so much better at this than I am. I give you more freedom than you know what to do with, and you’re still a kid. I can’t expect you to know how to handle yourself. No kid your age should have this much responsibility. For now, no internship, no spider-man.” Her voice was firm and Peter was fuming at this point.

“Well I’m just sorry that this all got thrown on you! But you can’t take away the internship and you can’t take away Spiderman! They’re all I have!” May recoiled.

“Don’t you dare think that I am mad that you’re mine, but you are mine and you will behave! I don’t know how long this will last, but you best believe yourself that there will be neither of those things until you get yourself together. And I am here to help and to talk, but you have to take responsibility for your actions.” With that, May strolled from the room, shutting the door behind her and Peter ran his hands through his hair, anxiety crawling up his throat. What- how- what was he going to do if he couldn’t be Spiderman?

Call it a lapse of judgement or teenage stupidity, but Peter pulled his mask on, activated his web shooters and peeled the window open. He climbed onto the fire escape and leapt to the building across from his.

“Karen, tell Mr. Stark I’m going to use the lab tonight.” The AI obliged as Peter began his web-slinging to the tower. The crisp breeze of the night air on his body helping to zone him in, and he imagined all of his stresses being left on the ground behind him.

The tower came into sight and Peter zeroed in on his window. He feet connect with the top panel, and the second the trapdoor closed behind him peter pulled his mask off, leaving him right next to a private elevator in his pajamas. He pressed the call button and waited on the “ding” that was so familiar to him.

Peter hopped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the lab before he put in his pin. Very few people had access to the lab. Tony, Peter, Happy, Rhodey, and Pepper. That was it. Peter leaned against the glass wall of the elevator, his heart still pounding. The anxiety he had been feeling all day was slowly clawing away at his heart and he felt like he was going to throw up.

Peter made it to the lab, and he sighed, before standing by his table and running a hand through his hair. He felt tears pricking at his eyes, the safe place around him having Peter wiping at the tears.

He pulled up the new web formula he had been working on and began to mess with the equations and holographs on it. He let himself get lost to time. Peter was so caught up on working on the tensile strength and the weight of the new formula that he didn’t realize Tony was in the room until he heard the man clear his throat.

Peter turned suddenly; eyes wide. “Mr. Stark! You have to let me know when you’re behind me!” The boy’s anxiety began to race again. Tony just scoffed, looking at the work on Peter’s table.

“What, your Peter Tingle stop working or something?” Peter grumbled out something about how Tony wasn’t seen as a threat and to stop calling it his tingle!

“Yeah, well- on another note, what are you doing still here at three in the morning?” Peter’s head whipped up, fear clutching his heart. Holy sh- May is going to kill me! “If you are currently thinking about the wrath of May Parker, then you’re on the right trail. I got the most interesting phone call from her.” Tony said as leaned on the table across from Peter, who suddenly found everything but look at his mentor interesting. “She calls me, freaking out, before explaining to me that you weren’t home, your suit was still on your bed, and that you had been in the middle of a big argument. She tells me she woke up to get water and found your room light still on at 2:30 am and went to check on you. And that’s how I get a call, waking me out of the little sleep time I do actually get. And May, May tells me the most interesting thing. You aren’t supposed to be here. And she wants to know why I allowed you over the tower when you’re royally grounded- which is news to me by the way. So, you have-” Tony looks at his watch. “Five minutes to explain yourself before Happy gets here to take you home.

Peter takes a deep breath, his heart pounding. He turns his face away from Tony, wiping at the tears forming in his eyes. Angry at his emotions for slipping.

“It’s nothing- I just got a bad grade. I shouldn’t have snuck out.” He began to pack his stuff up, before standing, but a hand pushed his chest, forcing him back down onto the seat.

“Nope. Explain better. Since when do you forget about a midterm?” Tony is concerned, Peter knows that, but he doesn’t want to open this can of worms. But Tony’s eyes don’t leave his, and Peter sighs. There is no way out of this.

“I- um- listen last week was just, it had a lot of Spiderman related problems, and I just forgot.” Peter shrugged, looking up. The look in Tony’s eyes making Peter realize that he wasn’t going to worm his way around this one.

“Then we need to cut back your-”

“No! Why does everyone think the solution to this is to take Spiderman away from me?” Peter finally erupted, standing up hastily. Tony put both of his hands in the air, eyebrows raised at the outburst.

“Listen, listen- I’m not talking about taking him away, I’m talking about reducing hours.” Peter just shook his head hastily, panic building.

“No, you can’t- you cant!” He gripped his hair between his hands, shaking his head and backing into the wall behind him. Tony’s face radiated concern, but the monstrous ball of anxiety that had been sitting in Peter’s chest was finally going to claw its way out, and it was going to do it viciously.

“Pete, just calm down and let’s talk this out.” Tony moved forward but Peter held out a hand.

“Stop, I can’t- you guys don’t get it!” The teen was screaming at this point, breaths short and he couldn’t control anything climbing its way out of his mouth.

“Then explain it to me, alright?” Tony sat on Peter’s work table, leaving the teen against the wall, giving him his required space.

“I just, I can’t lose Spiderman, he’s all I have! I do so much, and I work- I work so hard, and college is coming up, and school is hard, and no matter what I do, whenever I turn the corner there is always something else! May needs me, and MJ and Ned, and you, and sometimes, between bad guys, tests, paper, and saving people’s lives I feel like I’m getting pulled in so many different directions that I don’t know what way to turn!” Peter was sobbing now, his breaths choking out in harsh gasps as he slid to the ground, shaking hands wrapped around his knees.

“FRIDAY, tell May I’ve got Peter for the night.” Then, there were arms around Peter, warm strong arms and the teens just sobbed harder. “You hold too much Peter. The weight of the world isn’t for you to bear.” And Peter curled up on Tony’s side, burying his messy face into the man’s shoulder. “And, don’t get me wrong, you’re definitely still grounded, but neither May or I are ever going to take Spiderman away, but we want to avoid these meltdown things as much as possible, and if you constantly feel this pressure on your shoulders and you never take a moment for you, well it’s going to crush you, Pete. So, let us help.” Peter just cried and gripped onto the man holding him. Tony leaned his head down, placing a kiss on Peter’s head. “Let us help, kid.”

#irondadficexchange2019 #irondadficexchange #whimsicalethnographies

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capmerthur · 6 years ago

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THE ONCE AND FUTURE FIC

Yet another resurrection fic (sorry?). ARTHUR RETURNS IN CHAPTER 2. Lots of feeeeels, and overdue conversations (at last!) between our precious King and Warlock. Title might change as this goes along, but this has always been the work title in my head since I started thinking about writing it, so… Starts right when 5.13 ends. WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN CHAPTER ONE.

Excerpt PART VII:

"Will you tell me - what happened?"

Arthur can't help but hold his breath - his loved ones being long dead is bad enough; Arthur isn't sure he could deal with learning that the circumstances of their deaths had been bad too...

(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS UNDER CHAPTER VII)

VII. (ALTERNATE POV)

Merlin sadly but undeniably beams at him - and still doesn't seem willing yet to stand up. So Arthur gets down - sitting on the ground instead of commanding Merlin up once more. It's the result that matters anyway: to get them both on the same level. And it works, Merlin finally quitting bowing down to simply sit too.

Arthur focuses for some time on the ring back around his finger, and finally exhales:

"I was unnecessarily harsh, wasn't I?"

And he knows Merlin hears it for the apology it is - and accepts it:

"It's all right, Arthur. I realize it is a lot to take in."

And somehow reassured by Merlin's understanding, Arthur finally dares to ask:

"Will you tell me - what happened?"

Arthur can't help but hold his breath - his loved ones being long dead is bad enough; Arthur isn't sure he could deal with learning that the circumstances of their deaths had been bad too...

Merlin feels stabbed in the heart. Because of the swift cut from his own pain at his losses - still, no matter how long ago. And because he can read not only Arthur's pain but also Arthur's fear in Arthur's features.

So Merlin hurries to give Arthur both a firm nod and a fragile but positive smile - a silent soothing promise that it is not the worst, at least:

"I can even *show* you; if you want. Share my memories?"

It's out before Merlin had time to weigh the pros and cons; but Merlin won't back off. Sharing his memories implies sharing how he feels about them - and Merlin of course doesn't want Arthur to get more hurt in the process. But sharing his memories brings an added level of truth and certainty and knowledge to what only words ever could - and Merlin's priority right now is simply to make sure Arthur never gets to wonder about how much he might have edulcorated the past in his retelling.

Arthur starts breathing again, but still has to ask for confirmation, in probably the tiniest voice Merlin ever heard from his King: "They aren't bad, right?"

And Merlin just knows what he should mention first; what Arthur fears the most:

"Gwen lived a full life, and brought Camelot his golden age in your name."

Arthur seems to absorb the information. And then, he smiles - a smile both fond and proud:

"I always knew she would be the greatest Queen."

Arthur meets Merlin's eyes again; sad, of course, but assured:

"I'd like to see, then."

"All right."

Merlin moves closer, extending a hand towards Arthur's forehead, explaining:

"We'll have to be connected. And you must close your eyes."

Arthur studies his eyes a moment - not his hand; then gives a nod, doing as requested. Merlin presses his hand against Arthur's skin; not even taking the time to relish on its welcome warmth - alive! alive! - before plunging inwards.

Merlin focuses on Gwen, and there she is.

"I understand why you need to stay here. But please don't become a stranger?"

And so Merlin had taken a pebble from the ground and had enchanted it before giving it to Gwen. If she held it in her hands, they could communicate through their minds.

And that's why Merlin can show to Arthur how she reigned - or, in fact, not. She soon took the title of First Guardian instead of Queen, taking care of Camelot until the return of its true ruler, and ruled Camelot with her Concil of Knights. One guardian in waiting was elected right away, and then every five years, by and from Camelot's commoners, both to assist and to be trained as next Guardian, so that there would always be continuity by people aware of the kingdom's affairs in case Gwen would suddenly disappear. The new Concil Knights were chosen by all Knights from the Knights ranks whenever a Concil Knight had to be replaced. The First Knight (Sir Leon had been the first of course) was elected by his fellow Concil Knights. The next Guardian was to be chosen from and by the guardians in waiting. Everyone admired Gwen's natural grace, intelligence and gentle heart. She was a just and concerned ruler, and her people thrived to be worthy of her. Merlin had placed magicals protections on Camelot's borders, so attacks were rare, and never a surprise. There were winters harder than others, and summers harder than others; but all in all, life in Camelot was good.

His last memory of Gwen still brings tears to his eyes.

"I'm sorry I have to leave you too, my dear old friend; but my time is coming to an end. I can feel it, Merlin. This is our last conversation. And I thank you, for all you did for Camelot, for all I know you will continue doing for Camelot, and most of all, for being here for Arthur, when he finally returns."

Merlin needs a pause.

Arthur is crying silent tears when Merlin cuts their connection.

Arthur doesn't know how to deal with the force of it all. He hadn't realized he would not only see but FEEL Merlin's thoughts as clearly as his own - nor that Merlin's feelings would be as conflicted as hiw own.

Because Arthur feels relieved, from what he saw: Guinevere had been well, indeed. And Arthur is grateful, and amazed, and proud, and grateful, again, for all she accomplished, indeed. But he can't help but ponder about what he didn't get to see - or better said, to hear: her laugh.

"Was she happy?"

Merlin confirms his doubt, making a face and hesitating before answering; and Arthur can't help but wince.

"Happiness comes in all sorts, Arthur. After all that had happened... But all in all, she was *content*, I believe. Satisfied about what she had achieved, about her people living in peace and prosperity. It brought her joy, and fullfillment. You know she was always happy for anyone being happy. That counts too, Arthur."

"She never remarried?"

"She didn't."

And Arthur's first emotion at Merlin's words is guilt.

"I've doomed her, haven't I? My love for her trapped her into becoming this resplendissant but melancolic Queen." She had been his Queen, and she would always be his Queen, no matter the title she had chosen to wear.

"No. Her love for you."

"I let her down."

"It was neither your fault nor your wish to begin with, Arthur; she knew that."

"But I did it all the same. I had sworn to take care of her; and I didn't."

Arthur can't help but let out a huge sigh.

"She would have been happier with Lancelot, wouldn't have she? If only they had escape-"

Merlin's heart definitely cracks at the honesty in Arthur's words. Because Arthur loves Gwen that much indeed - to put her first; even if too late. And because Arthur's remorse is only wishful thinking anyway.

"It wasn't Lancelot at the time, Arthur."

"What?"

"Lancelot had passed behind the veil, and never came out of it. It was a shade, an empty shell brought back and controlled by Morgana to tear you apart. Remember how he was different? So Gaius and I checked. It wasn't Lancelot."

Again, Arthur doesn't know how to deal with this new information.

On the one hand, it makes sense, indeed. Lancelot loved Guinevere; had always loved Guinevere - Arthur had realized in retrospect after his Knight's death. But he was nothing but honorable to start with. The Lancelot he knew wouldn't have tried to...

On the other hand, if it hadn't been real, why hadn't Merlin explained it? Merlin had known Arthur had felt guilty for being the reason for Lancelot's death - again. Merlin had known Arthur had blamed Guinevere, even as he had missed her.

But Arthur understands, eventually.

Because it didn't change anything in the end.

Arthur was still the reason for Lancelot's first (and only) death. And Guinevere still loved Lancelot to start with. Arthur had realized that too, long before then - as she had mourned his passing. Knowing bad magic had been involved explained why things had actually happened - Lancelot wasn't Lancelot and Guinevere was enchanted - but it didn't erase the reason things happened from...

Still, it mattered.

Because even if it didn't change the reason, it had taken away Guinevere's choice in the matter, hadn't it? Arthur had accepted not once but twice that he was her second best. Because he loved her. And because she loved him - Arthur had never doubted her love, even though knowing 'With all my heart' meant 'With all there is left of my heart'. So Arthur had chosen to forgive her, of course; but he had blamed her, at first. And he knows Guinevere had always blamed herself. But knowing now what he knows? Arthur believes there would have been nothing to blame her(self) for, if no magic had been at play. Even if Lancelot had been real and she had chosen Lancelot over him? She would have told him, before, instead of...

"Did you ever tell her?"

"Yes. Only after you- but yes."

"Thank you."

AN:

It's canon after all magical beings *can* communicate through their minds. Merlin is just powerful enough to create such a link even with not magical persons, bear with me. I mean - he could even communicate with Lancelot's mind after his death, right ! (so no, no, no, this has nothing to do with me being too a Trekkie in love with mind melds...)

Also: I have a lot of feelings about how BBC butchered my heart with 4.09 (and their lousy treatment of its aftermath) and it shows, sorry?

(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS)

(Warning for this chapter: suicidal thoughts)

I. (MERLIN POV)

Merlin holds Mordred's sword in his right hand, appraising it. He still can't believe he has found it; still can't believe it's actually in his hands.

Over sixty years now - nothing; yet far too long - Merlin has been waiting for this moment. Since he has begged Freya, and threathened (and apologised - he couldn't blame Freya for not listening; he wouldn't have either, if their roles had been reversed), and begged again - in vain, for Excalibur. Since he has finally understood that he was a fool to hold onto hope for something that couldn't, wouldn't come to pass. Arthur was *never* coming back: Merlin had simply witnessed enough - he had witnessed too much; and too many times; and definitely one time too much one time too many - to ignore it any longer.

It was not that Merlin had grown too tired of waiting - too tired of the ache, the longing, the loneliness... For Arthur? Merlin would *always* wait; however long it might take.

It was not that Merlin had come to believe mankind didn't deserve Arthur to rise again to start with - even though it *was* an easy conclusion, when it was at its worst, when it turned its anger against itself - too many horrors, atrocities, bloodshed. But mankind could be beautiful, when loving, in any form; and marvelous, too, when it was at its best; when it turned its anger towards its limits: the medical progress over the ages would have had Gaius exhilarated, and proud; and what about its general neverending thirst for discovery, for explorations, for quests? - of course Arthur would come back: if only he could.

It was just that Merlin had finally understood that he had been played - not even because Albion (the name has since long fallen out of use and its people had been scattered through the globe, so it might mean nowadays something else than it had used to to start with) had got united without Arthur (and even if it still only meant Great Britain, well, it might after all need to be united again); but simply because the list of unending reasons why Arthur should have come back to save the day and yet hadn't (to mention only the very top of the list: half of humanity wiped out in a finger snap by the Black Death? the whole world collapsing in chaos, bend on destroying itself - World War?) had turned out suspiciously too long, and finally impossibly too long, as mankind had truly reached the lowest point not only ever but even possible without Arthur rising yet again (organised experiments and torture on toddlers, honestly?).

So.

Arthur wasn't ever coming back from the dead, simply because no one ever came back from the dead (except as a shade - and that would be even worse, wouldn't it? - or at a cost too great to burden anyway). It had been easy to believe in the prophecy; simply because it had been what Merlin had wanted. A distant promise of Arthur returning was still way better than no Arthur at all, and so Merlin had willingly taken the bait. But the fake prophecy had obviously been made up; as revenge, or entertainment - or both; and Merlin had felt stupid for not having realized this ages ago - The Sidhe were proud indeed; and Merlin had thwarted them. (It had been easy to forget it at first - to tell himself that they hadn't known Arthur was THE Arthur at the time, whatever...) Merlin wasn't sure about what Kilgharrah might have exactly known or not (On the one hand, Kilgharrah had forged Excalibur, who had always truly helped them. And Merlin had been warned by the Great Dragon, right from the start, and repeatedly; so wouldn't it all have worked out just fine if he had listened. On the other hand, if he had listened? Wouldn't he have been a monster, punishing people for crimes they had not yet committed? So maybe giving him the truth had in fact been the sure way to have him not acting on it. After all, Kilgharrah had hated the Pendragons - at least Uther - enough to have tried to wipe out Camelot. And he hadn't been exactly pleased either to discover Merlin was a Dragonlord, even if he had seemed to soften when he had realized that Merlin would not control him as a puppet. And last but not least, Kilgharrah hadn't taken care of Aithusa as Merlin had thought he would; and that's how Aithusa had ended up with Morgana - and had forged the sword that had killed Arthur), but it didn't change anything anyway...

Well, you bet Merlin hadn't been willing to indulge them any longer. Not that anger was what was driving Merlin, of course. There was simply *no point* anymore in waiting. Nor in living, to be honest - especially as it might be what kept him from actually finding Arthur again somehow; next life, paradise, wherever and however and whenever? Merlin was no religious man, but even he had no answer about what happened after death after all. Maybe it was worth a shot? It was a very, very thin chance indeed; but it was still more of a chance than just staying here waiting for *nothing*... So. Merlin had begged Freya for Excalibur. But as she had kept absent, it had dawned on him at some point that Excalibur wasn't the only blade he could use... Merlin had searched for that other mighty weapon through his magic for years; then had sent his creature to retrieve it when he had successfully localized it.

And here, now, finally, is Mordred's sword.

And Merlin feels no dread, no fear, while holding it. If anything, he feels calm - calmer than he has ever been, probably. And that's how Merlin knows that his decision is indeed right: even his magic agrees.

He should do it in the lake though. Magical artifacts just shouldn't linger around in the open, huh...

Yes.

Let Mordred's blade rest along Excalibur.

And let Merlin rest along Arthur.

Freya will make sure they all lay undisturbed.

Merlin blindly pulls at the cord around his neck, taking it out from under his tunic and sliding his left hand along it until it closes around Arthur's mother sigil (AN) and Camelot's ruler's ring (Gwen had it brought to him, so he could give it back to its true owner on his return: Camelot in the meantime was to be ruled by a Concil of Knights and a Guardian, until Arthur would come back to sit on his kept empty throne and his kept empty seat at the Round Table).

Merlin closes his eyes; makes a silent promise.

I'm coming, Arthur.

He takes a first step into the lake.

Backstory: +1500 years in short - because it hurts and I just don't have the heart to fully write the prologue I had intended to write:

Merlin has never left the lake. He kept waiting. He couldn't, wouldn't leave, (nor SLEEP even for that matter by the way) no matter for how short - imagine if Arthur came back just when he was NOT there, huh. And of course he wouldn't trust his magic to warn him somehow - it had failed Arthur when he needed it the most after all. So no. Merlin has never left the lake. But Gaius has mentioned to him (Merlin got visitors, in the beginning (and his mother came to live with him until she died); before he cut himself off the world) how maybe the time he was given without Arthur was to LEARN more about magic; so that he would be prepared when Arthur came back to face whatever ordeal they were supposed to face. Because even if Merlin is hyper *aware* - he feels *everything*, through his magic - practice is necessary too. So Merlin mastered the art of molding sand/clay and animating it with his magic (basically, he walks the Earth as Old Merlin - because people tends to let old grumpy men on their own - whenever he needs anything physically). He can speak, hear, see, learn, through him, following the world as it expands (America, Australia, etc etc, because even if he was aware they existed, he couldn't physically *go* there before they were 'found'). And he can touch, and carry (for example you bet he brought back something red for Arthur to wear every time - Merlin sort of owns a 'male red mode through the ages' museum by now - and he hates it, of course). The first time Merlin has truly thought Arthur *would* come back has been The Great Plague. The second time has been WWI. The last drop has been the Nazis and Unit 731 experimentations. So Merlin sent its creature to fetch Mordred's sword after having localized it though his magic - and that's what Old Merlin is bringing back to him when this all starts (aka that shot at the end of 5.13)…

(AN: Just so you know, Merlin's magically pierced in the thickness of Ygraine's sigil to pass a cord - he wouldn 't make a hole in the front design of course!)

(Also… A resurrection fic!? What am I getting myself into!? I’m still a newbie around here so I definitely haven’t read enough Merlin fics to ever claim making something original (so by the way, please feel free to let me know your all time favourites resurrection fics! So far I’ve read The Change Trilogy and Like the cycle of the year we begin again (and they’re both gorgeous reads so run and read them if you haven’t yet!) but I haven’t seen (yet?) my take, both on the waiting and on the getting along after Arthur’s return, in the fics I’ve read so far, so I thought I might as well write this down ?)

II. (ALTERNATE POV)

Arthur regains consciousness under water.

He's cold; so cold he's shaking - helpless, steady spasms he just can't put an end to (being past half dead apparently has repercussions?). But it's bright, up over him, and he instinctivally pushes himself up towards the light; towards the air.

The moment he breaks the water, Arthur registers that he's not only alive but that he feels *just right*. No pain in his side, no weakness, no dizzinesss, no strain: nothing wrong at all - except from the convulsions from the cold, but you bet he's not going to complain, all considered. The sun is veiled by clouds, but feels nonetheless like a welcomed warmth on his face, and Arthur breathes deep, bringing his arms up and turning his palms towards the warmth too as the tremors start to subdue; he's alive!; and well! He doesn't need to pat his absent wound in wonder, nor to look at the water, transparent clear instead of bloodened red, to know that what he feels is true.

Merlin's done it.

He *has* saved his life.

Again.

It's both unexpected (Arthur had been so sure he had taken his last breath, when all had finally faded to black) - and yet somehow expected. Magical waters and a sorcerer who knows how to work its power would do wonders, obviously. It has happened before after all, bringing his beloved Guinevere's spirit back?

A sudden realization; and Arthur can't help but laugh. And it feels so exhilarating - alive! alive! - the laugh turns into a howl; and Arthur relishes on it, throwing his head back. Honestly? How could he have ever been *so* blind - of course it had been Merlin then too by the water edge, disguised as an old woman!

Somewhere on his right, a buoying laugh erupts.

And Merlin knows that laugh. So hearing the exact right tone of that entirely unexpected laughter at once feels as if a vicious invisible hand is squeezing at his heart.

He had forgotten it; he realizes. But he would recognize that howling laugh amongst any other...

Merlin doesn't dare to *believe*. Cruel hope nonetheless blooms unbidden in his heart, and his eyes can't help but zero in on the source of that sound.

And it is exactly as it should be; exactly as it has used to be...

There *is* ARTHUR; standing in the lake, water reaching his hips, chainmail glistening, head thrown back as he laughs. (Has anyone ever looked more simply breathtakingly majestic no matter what they did and even without trying?) Merlin can only see his back, but you bet he would recognize the shape of that back amongst any other too.

Merlin's breath is knocked out of him; and Mordred's sword falls from his hand.

Merlin knows what he hears and sees *cannot* be true. He has seen the world in a much, MUCH more desperate state without Arthur coming back then. There is absolutely no reason for Arthur to come back right now. So. He is being granted a vision; that's all. But of course Merlin wouldn't, couldn't, try to take his own life anymore, not after having had even just a glimpse... Besides, he has just handed over the last sword that could end him anyway. Merlin has to acknowledge The Sidhe's thinking; they know exactly well how to play him. But damn, they are vicious.

But no matter the abysmal pain from such a low blow, Merlin still considers this to be a gift, and is determined to draw it out for as long as he will be allowed to. Those few seconds might sustain him for another fifteen centuries to come, and maybe more...

Arthur quiets down after a while. Thinking about his savior: where is he?

Arthur scans his surroundings; and the warmth he feels when he finally spots Merlin definitely eclipses the sun.

The laughing stops, and Arthur turns, eyes searching; and a bright smile appears on Arthur's face the moment they find him.

"Merlin!"

Merlin's knees give out. His name through Arthur's lips has sounded *exactly* right - righter than in any memory Merlin has relied on to live on hanging onto. And it hurts. The shame, and guilt - to realize he had forgotten *this* too? It shouldn't have been possible - to have something so dear going misformed; a pale, withered, incomplete, erroneous copy, so far from the original that its truth has disintegrated? Oh yes, it hurts.

And Merlin's fingers dig; hard, deep into the sand. He cannot reach out. He longs for; he *aches* to - both physically and emotionnally. But he cannot. As long as it's only his eyes and ears that are deceived, then he can pretend it is true...

Merlin starts to cry. He can't help it; he cries - as he hasn't cried since, well, all those years ago: silent tears endlessly streaming down his face, unabached, treacherous; and Merlin hates them - hates the way they blur his vision when he has to - HAS TO - *see*. He is powerless to stop them though.

It is *blinding*.

Merlin has tried, so hard, to keep remembering, to NOT forget. But his memories, even sustained with his magic, have so obviously failed him; haven't done Arthur any justice at all. Merlin has forgotten so, SO much; and being proven just how much he has actually forgotten slices through him like a knife. The exact darker shade of Arthur's blond hair when wet. The exact way Arthur stands and moves. The exact sharpness of Arthur's features - his nose, his cheeckbones, his jawline. The exact shape of that smile - that particular, undeniably fond smile following his name Merlin has used to live for and from. Guilt slashes through him again. How could he have *forgotten* the exact shape of *that* smile; the most precious to him amongst the myriad of each and every of Arthur's smiles?

But then Merlin collapses, instead of cheering with him - he has thought him gone for good? And Arthur suddenly feels like there is still after all a gaping aching wound on his body; but this one deep in his chest, and of his own making. He owes Merlin *everything*, doesn't he? Yet he has hurt him - and so very severely. Despite it, though, Merlin obviously still cares for him; and so very much... His own behaviour puts Arthur to shame. So. Arthur hadn't had the time nor the strength to plainly apologize before. But he has now; and he won't run away from the words that he needs to say - and even more important, that Merlin needs to hear...

Arthur is now rushing through the water towards him - so fierce!, so strong!; alive and well!? His smile is gone though; replaced by worry - because of Merlin's tears, no doubt: yet another reason to hate them then...

And then Arthur is plopping down in front of him, out of breath; and Merlin gets proof again of just how much he had forgotten - the exact colours and depths of Arthur's eyes! There is now a fragile smile back on Arthur's face - a soothing smile, meant only for Merlin's sake; and it's going to break Merlin's heart, no doubt.

III. (MERLIN POV)

"I'm fine, Merlin. I'm fine."

And not only the voice is perfect, but the language is the one Merlin hasn't heard for over a millenium...

"Arthur?" is all Merlin can let out - no more than a somewhat hiccuped whisper as he still has no breath, no voice, to start with; but an obvious plea coming from the depths of his soul. A world of wonder, and longing, and ache, and disbelief, and hope - because no matter what, Merlin can't help but want; can't help but hope - in those two syllabs that own his heart. Magic *does* exist, after all; and Merlin would give it all - all the magic he possesses, all his pain, all his hopes, everything - for this vision to turn real.

Arthur's already fragile smile falters: "Don't you remember, Merlin. No man is worth your tears." The reproach is nothing but badly fake though, and Arthur's voice somehow breaks as it ends: "Especially not me."

And then suddenly - and so quickly Merlin doesn't register any of it before it has actually happened, and so it is too late for him to move backwards to prevent it from happening - Arthur brings his hands on Merlin's face, gloved fingers brushing his tears away under his eyes - and Merlin can *feel* them!?

Merlin is lost; lost in what he sees, lost in what he hears, and lost in what he feels. Can this be true? Can it truly be true?

But then Arthur starts speaking again - rushed out words leaving Merlin stunned.

"I apologize, Merlin. The way I reacted- (sigh) I deserve all the names you've ever called me and more. I'm thick, and dumb, and *such* an idiot, and a complete dollophead, and a cabbage head, and a prat, and a royal *ass*, and I still don't know what a clotpole exactly is but I'm certain I am the definition for one indeed too. I may have seen anyone with magic turning against me; but I should never have doubted *you*, Merlin. I should have remembered the butterfly (AN)."

Merlin just cannot believe what he's hearing. It's everything he has ever wanted to hear; everything he has ever hoped to hear - so how can it be real?

"But more than anything, I think, I'm sorry because I should have known, Merlin. I called you a liar; looked at you like you had betrayed me. But you've told it. You actually shouted it for everyone to hear; and I believe you nearly told it to me, privately, at least once, and presumably more... But I just didn't want to hear it, did I? So I'm sorry I was such a coward; a *coward*, Merlin. And I'm so sorry, and so ashamed - and honestly I really can't blame you for not trusting me to understand: because you were right; and it guts me, Merlin. 'There is no place for magic in Camelot'? How hard it must have been for you to say-"

Merlin can't help but shake his head, about to interject. Not because (even if it's true) one exception shouldn't and couldn't be enough to break a rule anyway; at least not at once, and not until Arthur would understand that magic itself isn't corrupt. Not because it hadn't been hard in fact to say those words - at least not hard enough, and that will always feel wrong. But simply because real or not just cannot matter anymore; not when Arthur's gaze is boring into his very core, pleading and honest and full of a guilt Merlin just can't bear to witness: "Arthur-"

Arthur silences him though, cutting him off by shaking him once by the shoulders: "But what counts is that I know, now, Merlin. Your magic is not only part of who you are; it also makes you who you are. And I will trust it; because I trust *you*. You must believe- No, let me rephrase this before you obey me again - because you *always* obey me, don't you Merlin; even when whatever I say in anger or despair isn't intended nor meant to be an order; and I've done it so often, haven't I... 'Do not put me into that position again'? 'Tell me it's gone'? (AN) So. Can you believe me; Merlin? It's not an order; I definitely do not deserve to give you any order at all to start with anyway. You don't even have to forgive me; you shouldn't forgive me maybe. But please, at least, can you b-"

"Of course I believe you. And there is nothing to forgive, Arthur. Nothing." Merlin half shouts, ancient words flowing instinctively, head skaking 'no' for emphasis, bringing his hands up to Arthur's wrists and pushing downwards, keeping Arthur's hands in place on his shoulders. If this is a waking dream then Merlin never wants to leave it. This is solid enough, real enough, for the rest of his maybe neverending life. "You're here. You're well. That's all that matters, Arthur; I swear that's all that has ever mattered to me."

Arthur holds his gaze for a long, long time; as if waiting for Merlin's clear eyes to betray his words. And when he finally seems confident enough that they are indeed genuine, he whispers, but it sounds like a pledge: "And you're here, Merlin, and you're *you*; and I swear that's all that will matter to me from now on."

AN: Tiny quotes from my Body Swap fic; sorry, I just couldn't NOT put it there, it just FITS...

(Also, just imagine they speak in old brittonic... but please don't expect me to write it? sorry?)

IV. (MERLIN POV)

Arthur squeezes his shoulders one last time and then lets go, about to stand.

"Now, let's go home. We have a feast to prepare in your honor."

Merlin cannot tell if his heart has just completely healed or totally disintegrated. Let's go home?

It's real! Of course it's real. If Arthur doesn't know- It's real! Arthur is truly back! And that's...

But *Arthur doesn't know*. And so *Merlin will have to tell*.

Merlin blanches. He feels guilty, anew. Because he has hoped and prayed and begged for Arthur to return; with everything he had. He has been selfish, hasn't he? And he has been blind; stupidly blind - again. All those years he has prepared for taking care of a still bleeeding wound, for clothes, for food, for any necessities; but it has never crossed his mind that Arthur wouldn't know... and he is not prepared for Arthur's emotional pain; and even less for causing it. Some small part of Merlin can't help but wish now that Arthur had stayed in the lake after all, had never awoken. It's too cruel. Merlin shouldn't be the one to break Arthur's heart.

Arthur is reading his panick wrong, of course:

"Don't worry- No one else has to know about your magic if you don't want to. But you DID end the war, Merlin; you did what I couldn't do - Morgana... All Camelot should know what they owe y-"

And Merlin can't bear Arthur's concern on his behalf any longer; making it last feels like a betrayal. And no matter how much Merlin doesn't want Arthur to get hurt, ever, he cannot and will not lie - not about this. Conjuring ghosts wouldn't be real and would only make it worse in the end anyway. The only option is a clear cut, right away.

"It's not- (deep breath) I'm so sorry, Arthur. We cannot go home. You were gone. For such a long time. For such a long, long time, Arthur. I'm so, so, sorry."

And Merlin watches, feeling his eyes filling up once more, as Arthur's eyebrows furrow in incomprehension; as Arthur blinks, taken aback as realization hits; as Arthur's eyes turn desperate and pleading, shaking his head in denial-

"No. I remember just-" His voice falters as he probably notices the house behind them - the house that definitely hadn't been there before - and who knows what more (trucks on the road farther away? joggers in strange clothes passing by?) "And you look exactly-"

And Merlin has nothing to say, nothing to offer, to soothe the hopelessly growing pain ready to crush his King, hollow him out - nothing but the cruel testimony of his once more, always, useless tears; and Arthur knows, indeed.

It comes out as a whisper, but it sounds as if Arthur's spirit has gone with it, vacillating.

"They're all-"

And the only thing Merlin can say still is: "I'm so sorry" - again.

"My people? My Knights? My- Guinevere..."

And it hurts. Oh, it hurts; to have to see Arthur's broken heart on his face, to hear its crack as his voice breaks on his Queen's name and his head turns away.

"I'm so sorry."

A litany; a chant; a prayer. Over, and over, and over. Pointless, worthless, useless, anyway; as his King cries silent tears, all the more shattering by their quietude...

Then Arthur is up and pacing, a fierce but dark spark in his eyes as his hands turns into fists - anger, rage; of course.

"Why did you bring me back then? How could you bring me back if-?"

And Merlin would gladly take a blow; if it could help Arthur to feel better, somehow. But nothing comes. It's Arthur. Of course nothing comes.

Arthur briefly closes his eyes, inhaling sharply. And when he opens them again, Arthur's anger hasn't faded; but isn't directed towards Merlin anymore.

"But then; you would have brought me back right away, wouldn't you have - if it had been in your power..."

And Merlin feels crushed, again; by how he *always* fails Arthur, indeed.

"I'm so sorry..."

AN: I realize I do have a thing for Merlin crying - blame it on Colin’s A+ crying performances - so of course it has to appear somewhere… Merlin will not weep though for much longer, if it can reassure you…

V. (ARTHUR POV)

Merlin hasn't said the word; but Arthur heard it anyway.

Dead.

He'd been dead.

And for such a long, long time, Merlin had said; even though it feels merely minutes since he closed his eyes?

It makes no sense; it feels unreal - impossible. Merlin hasn't aged a day...

And yet... The grief in Merlin's eyes tells him it's true. Everyone he knows, except Merlin, is gone. Arthur doesn't know what feels worse. To know that he will never see any of them again; or to know that he has failed them all... He feels unfulfilled, hollowed out; utterly lost, even though knowing exactly where he is...

He feels furious, too. What is the point of coming back to life, if it's coming back *too late*?

But Arthur simply knows, somehow, that Merlin - who has literally collapsed upon seeing him emerge from the lake; who has seemed so utterly shattered by his apology; and who looks now so honestly sorry for his loss, gazing up at him from the ground, nothing but stabbing understanding and concern in his eyes - isn't to blame for that lost time.

Which means his presence, here and now, is puzzling indeed:

"What are you doing here, then? If you neither cured me through the lake nor provoked my return?"

VI. (ARTHUR POV)

("What are you doing here, then? If you neither cured me through the lake nor provoked my return?")

Merlin seems to hesitate - looking embarrassed?

"I was waiting. Since you- I've been waiting for you."

And this just doesn't make sense.

"Why would you think I would, I could, ever come back, if I was...?"

"There is a prophecy, Arthur. So you were to return, in order to fullfill it."

"A prophecy?"

Arthur is stunned shocked. He had expected some malicious sorcery at work and Merlin having heard of it and come over - it would have made sense; and it would have given him the opportunity to fight, if not to save then at least to honour his lost people. But Fate? How is he supposed to make Fate pay? And what is Its intent to begin with? A prophecy about him? Arthur feels powerless. Is his life not even his own?

Then Arthur remembers the puzzling word has passed Merlin's lips once before.

(I'm sorry. I thought I'd defied the prophecy.)

So. Merlin had known about this? Before...? And had never said a word - again? Another secret Merlin has kept from him; but this time, about himself - about *his death*? It feels even worse than Merlin hiding his magic. After all, Merlin's magic concerned Merlin, indeed. But how and why could Merlin - who Arthur considered as his true friend, no matter how often he had repeated they couldn't be - keep something that concerned HIM from him? Especially something that monumental?

It hurts. Arthur wants to scream. But all that comes out is a shocked whisper:

"All those years; and you never said a word. You knew how and when I was to die; and you never said a word."

Merlin looks shattered by the accusation - but he doesn't refute it; only try to explain the unexplainable, eyes apologetic under Arthur's blaming gaze, voice so evidently full of guilt and regrets:

"Because I believed I could actually prevent it from happening, Arthur. You are the once and future king who will unite Albion and bring magic back to the land; and helping you achieve such a goal is to be my destiny. So says the prophecy. So I believed I was the one, the only one, able to prevent it from happening. And as it depended on me alone anyway, I thought I should spare you from the weight of such a burden."

Merlin lets out a deep sigh before meeting his eyes fully again, his voice turning urgent and pleading:

"What was I supposed to say? That your loved ones would turn against you? You wouldn't have believed me. And even if you had... I didn't want you to have to worry all the time and about everything. You have no idea how it feels - the infuriating and desperate helplessness; to constantly fight to stop something you constantly fear, but to see everything you ever try twist and turn against you; to realize at every corner that what you thought you understood means something entirely different; and that nothing you ever do makes a difference in the end... 'Once and future'? I used to think it meant you would win the war; take your throne back for good. Or die trying, by Mordred's hand and Morgana's will - but only if I failed. There were two stories, and I thought it was to be or/or; but it was and/and. I was such a fool, Arthur; such a blind fool. It's only when you- when you- that I understood what it truly meant as a whole."

Merlin sounds utterly sincere; not only heartbroken but even empty after his confession.

And Arthur wants to believe that Merlin's silence had been well-meant.

But Arthur can't help but feel betrayed still, lingering on the echo of yet another odd word he hadn't realized to be literal at the time.

(It's my destiny. As it has been since the day we met.)

And Arthur finally understands what he has never been able to comprehend until now. Merlin's puzzling bone-deep *devotion* to him; that dumbfounding unequivocal absolute *commitment* he has never wanted to doubt nor question. Well; it turns out it has in fact little to do with him... He is just a mean to an end, right? Arthur can't help but replay their shared years through his head now with this new knowledge; and it all slashes through him like a double treachery. Arthur can't even tell what feels the worst:

Did I ever know you at all?

Do you even like me at all?

'I want you to always be you', he had said - and he had meant it: the magic, all in all, had only been an addition to who Merlin was. But this? This isn't a simple revelation. This feels like a revolution - a definitive, shattering change. And it hurts, losing Merlin; even though he's right in front of him. Does the person he had always believed Merlin to be even exist? Yet another grief, on top of his fresh mourning for everyone and everything he's lost...

Arthur's hands turn into fists at his sides to suppress his urge to snarl.

"So that's why you came to Camelot. For me to bring magic back."

"What? No! I had no idea- My mother hoped Gaius might be able to guide me: I had questions, about my magic, and-"

Merlin seems honestly surprised - and appalled - by his train of thoughts; at once standing and coming closer in his urge to explain. But Arthur moves away, keeping distance between them. He cannot trust anymore in his abilities to see straight through Merlin without further information. He has never seen straight through Merlin, apparently.

"When did you hear about it then?"

"A few days after I had arrived in Camelot", Merlin confesses right away; eyes pleading, definitely understanding the terrible weight of his words yet obviously choosing to come clean - but not moving closer this time, knowing it would only be rejected.

And it's here, again; in those little things. The way Merlin not only respects his boundaries, but respects them *even at his own expense*. The way Merlin has kept so much hidden, and for so long; yet can't actually tell a lie right to his face when asked for the outright truth, even to save his own skin. It cannot be pretense, right? On the one hand, Merlin's face tells him all he needs to know. But on the other hand, Arthur still needs more answers, and he commands them.

"Who told you?" (Not Gaius, right? Please; not Gaius.)

"Kilgarrah."

"Kilga- who?" Arthur is honestly puzzled. He surely never heard of someone with such a name in Camelot.

"The dragon your father kept prisoner under the castle."

"What are you speaking about?" Arthur doesn't let Merlin time to answer though, cutting him once more as he opens his mouth - collateral information must wait for later, when faced with such an enormity. "No matter; one treacherous beast just said (can dragons even talk?) *this nonsense*, and you believed it? It's insane!"

"The druids spoke about it too."

"That's even more insane! Why would the druids trust- They hated Camelot. They hated me."

"They didn't. Not all of them, at least. (helpless sigh) Anyway, the prophecy is truth, Arthur. Your return is proof of it. You were to rise again; when Albion's need would be greatest. And you just did, Arthur. You just did."

The words stab through Arthur, making him see red. So Arthur cannot be softened by the evident not only wonder but even joy in Merlin's voice and eyes and everything. It comes out in a roar.

"My people needed me! What need can ever be greater than that responsability!"

Silence falls, all the more shattering after his outburst.

But Merlin has heard his need for an answer, and so he gives him one - even if it's none; shaking his head in helplessness, voice breaking and eyes begging:

"I do not know, Arthur."

Merlin is nothing but obviously caring, and sorry - sorry for him; holding his gaze with only patience and commiseration - hurt about his hurt, regrets about his regrets, and helplessness about his helplessness.

And somehow, having to see Merlin's hurt and regrets and helplessness feels worse - worse than his own hurt and regrets and helplessness, somehow: because the pain on Merlin's features is his own doing, again - even though Arthur has sworn to himself only moments ago never to hurt Merlin that badly anew; and even though Arthur knows that none of the injustice he feels is Merlin's fault to start with, if everything had already been written in the stars anyway. Arthur now feels guilty for having lashed out.

Besides, Arthur knows his rage cannot and will not change a thing, sadly. Even Merlin's supposedly unparalleled magic is powerless, obviously. So. His whole purpose, his reason to be, has simply vanished. The desperate rage finally turns into crushing grief, the shout into a devastated whisper.

"The only destiny I ever wished for was to be the King Camelot needed. And now Camelot is gone."

"No."

The fiery professed word brings his attention back to Merlin - Arthur hasn't been expecting an answer; it hasn't been a question. Merlin shakes his head, a clear denial; and then kneels down on one knee, all reverent, head bowed down.

"For as long as I draw breath, Camelot still stands, Arthur. I may have grown up in Ealdor, but you have always been and will always be my King."

The words ring nothing but deeply heartfelt. But to Arthur, they only feel infuriating. Merlin officially bowing to him off formal ceremonial occasions makes him sick. Because surely Merlin is deferent in any way but not that one, especially when it's just the two of them. And most of all, because this is fake and wrong. Arthur wouldn't tolerate even for the most helpless person to bow to him simply because he should to start with; so the greatest warlock to walk the Earth, the most powerful being alive probably? The idea isn't only ludicrous, it's simply nauseating.

"Because a prophecy says that you were 'born to serve me'?", Arthur can't help but spit out, knowing now how literally Merlin had meant those words. It is not enough. It could never be enough. Arthur lets out a deep sigh though at the edge he couldn't keep out from his tone, realising in fact and no matter what, he is more angry at Merlin's Fate than at Merlin himself. How come Merlin isn't enraged too, to start with? He is just as much a puppet of Fate as he is, isn't he? "Get up Merlin; this is ridic-"

"Because I wouldn't change a thing, Arthur", Merlin exclames, cutting him mid-sentence. And it is not often indeed that Merlin actually raises his voice in anger at him; and it startles Arthur silent.

Arthur has crossed a line, apparently. The most startling though is to realize that Merlin's lines aren't about himself (he sure never looked angry over buckets full of cold water over his head or anything): they're about Arthur - once about Arthur creeping around in the woods unprotected for example; now about Arthur misreading him. Merlin's eyes are now boring into his, nothing but fierce and ardent; even though his voice turns again gentle and even adamant:

"You are not my King because of a prophecy. You are my King *in spite* of it. I grew up wondering why I was born with the abilities I had, indeed. But when I was told... Believe me, I really didn't want it to be true; at least, you bet I didn't want it to be *about you*. But then... I got to see what you were truly made of; who you really were. And everything I've ever done since then has always been for and because of you. That's why my magic is for you; and only for you, Arthur. Not because I am supposed to; but because I want to. Because I believe in you. And if my destiny is to be of any help to you then I am proud of it indeed - because I am proud of you."

As always, Merlin just sounds sincere, radiating unwavering loyalty; and Arthur is baffled. Can it still be true, despite it all?

"Please get up, Merlin," Arthur repeats, this time more gently.

"Not yet."

Stubborn - as always, again. It would make Arthur smile if it didn't feel so heartbreaking.

But then, Merlin lowers his gaze once more as his hand moves about his collar, and Merlin is presenting him with Camelot's ruler's ring, holding it out.

"Here. Gwen had what is rightly yours - according to each soul in Camelot - sent to me; so that I could give it back to you on your return."

And Arthur is paralyzed. It means so much. But he cannot take it. It is both too much and not enough. And more importantly: he has no right to - he has let his people down.

"Please, Sire."

And Arthur hears the word exactly for what it is. 'Sire' had used to be his official appellation in Merlin's language in their beginning ('My Lord' being restricted for sarcastic comments since its first use). But its meaning has grown over time - as Arthur had let simply his first name or nothing at all become the norm between them - and Merlin only uses it now on special occasions: whenever Arthur needs an extra boost in confidence and Merlin feels like insisting on his allegiance to him. Some things apparently truly never change.

"It doesn't have to be for me; nor for you."

He's transparent to Merlin, isn't he? Always has been, probably. It doesn't feel worrying though. It is a gift, to have someone who understands him that intrinsically.

"It is the wish of your people. Take back your ring. Wear it with pride. For the love of Camelot."

And how could Arthur deny this? The rallying cry is deep embedded in his soul, indeed - and he would never turn it down. No matter his guilt or inadequacy, Arthur will honor his people's will.

"For the love of Camelot."

Arthur finally takes the ring from Merlin's hand and puts it on.

AN:

I swear, those two will be the end of me. Everything about them is so LOADED, and it hurts :( Their shared history is heavy. Merlin's lonesome centuries are heavy. Arthur losing in a wink his reason for being is heavy. I'll never rest until they get some happiness, they just deserve it :(

Also, please don't be angry at Arthur. He's not at his best in this bit, I agree; but his purpose for being alive is gone for good and he's supposed to be all right 'because it's meant to be'? He has a lot to go through, and it is a lot to take in. So remember two chapters ago. Arthur isn't good with talking about feelings; but he's brave, and when it matters, he speaks - and he actually said A LOT to Merlin then, for someone usually emotionnally constipated who expresses his affection by throwing punches, right...

@clone-number-1

#merlin #merthur #bbc merlin #bbcmerlin #merthur fic #the once and future fic #my own two spells #fanfic #fic #text

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shprka · 6 years ago

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“Of Lions, foxes and bears” and me – my literary journey with Part 1 of Merlin and Arthur's story

YOU CAN READ PART 1 OF THE STORY ON AO3

Hi, I'm Szpurka!

INTRODUCTION

(if you just don't wanna read this big ass wall of text and you came just for the fic, scroll to title SO, THE FIC)

Some of you might know I write and I love to write, anything and everything – short stories, longer stories, fanfiction, screenplays. As of yet most of them haven't seen the light of day and to be honest, some of them never will. You can say I am both self-conscious and confident in my writing. If I wasn't at least somewhat proud of what I write, I would just sit day-dreaming about the ideas I have and I would be miserable and too afraid to show it to anyone. And I was that for a long time, until I decided this year that no, I don't have to keep what I write a secret (even if it's a self-indulgent fanfic). I started to believe in myself more and am still trying to write and read and find like-minded people, who can relate and maybe have a good word or two to give.

But you're most likely here not to listen to me ramble about myself! You want to know how “Of Lions...” came to life. I don't want it to be a long post, so we'll just go over some technical stuff.

Fantasy is a genre that I loved since I was little, later on in my teens I became interested in different cultures and their mythologies. This is why I started watching Merlin in the first place, as probably many of you. Knights, sorcerers, magic, evil kings and witches? Sign me the fuck up!

Don't kill me, but I started my journey with Merlin pretty late (January 2019, the beginning of this year). I watched a few episodes on the telly, and never gave it much thought. Until a friend of mine mentioned it a few times and it was on Netflix, so yep, that's how it all started.

I was in a few fandoms before, have written a few fanfics for them (that are lost forever because I don't remember where I saved them, and then I changed laptops like three times, so... rest in peace, forgotten words of a teen me). I was honestly surprised Merlin fandom is so active and, you know, even alive after all this years. The show ended in 2012, wow.

I've written a few pieces, especially encouraged by the Merlin Memory Month May 2019 prompts, which got me really excited and thinking of all the possibilities. I've read a lot of Merthur fanfics by then and seen all the variations of the characters and the story, and honestly with every knew author I fall in love with writing and the particular movie or show even more. That's when I heard the words After Camlann Big Bang 2019 been uttered somewhere on this corner of the internet and I was like, yep, I'm in, I have to write a story now.

SO, THE FIC

(interesting stuff, finally!)

I had idea for Ranger!Arthur for a while and I wanted to try and write high fantasy on my own, kind of like in the show but more mythology and Celts and druids, and magic. I turned out in Part 1 of this you can read like 1/3 of it, though, and there's not a lot of magic, sorry! I will write the rest and I promise it will be much more magic-y.

What I also wanted was for BBC's Merlin to give me at least a few more episodes where Arthur knows about Merlin's magic and they work together to bring magic back and kick ass together. Basically, an fantasy adventure. And I settled on that.

You can see I took some liberties with the world-building. Arthur's characterization is what I had a problem with because he was a spoiled prince we all know, on the other – I had to describe how being in the Otherworld changed him.

Otherworld – it's underworld/hell/heaven, where souls go after people die. It's most of often than not depicted as a land of everlasting youth and joy and a paradise, basically. You can now it as Avalon, a magical island where King Arthur (from the legends) was taken after the Battle of Camlann. Avalaon became associated with heaven/paradise. That's where magic lives, fairies, spirits and such.

You can remember from BBC's Merlin how the Sidhe tried to drag Arthur with them to their own world by an open portal in the river. This is because Celts believed gates to other worlds (and in this case just one, Otherworld) were in lakes, rivers, in fires, on the top of mountains or hills – places where two elements collide.

So why depict Otherworld as a wasteland with gray ugly sky, and the only life there are beasts that want to eat each other alive and this is a place where only the strongest survive? Don't want to spoil anything, but there is a big reason that Arthur ended up in this kind of place, and not some kind of heaven.

Wyverns – if you look up a definition, they are smaller dragons with only two legs, that's why mine don't have four like in BBC's Merlin. They don't breathe fire, but mine spit fire just a little bit, because that's cool.

Midsummer – which is one of the most important traditions Celtic year. It takes place between June 19 and June 25. And because I am lazy and just came up to write this and have to go to bed because of an early morning, I added my notes (I hope you can understand my awful chicken scratch) + photos from the book that I came across called “Midsummer: Magical Celebrations of the Summer Solstice” by Anna Franklin.

MY SITE, MY BOOK AND MY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

As I mentioned on ao3, yes, I have a site in the making! I hoped to have it set up before posting this fic, and this post would be one of the first, but you just can't rush some things. While it's slowly coming along and will be a place where I share some of my personal view on writing and filmmaking (because I am a film student, hoping to be a director, if you didn't know :)) and maybe it would a platform to share my stories, both fanfiction and future novels, scripts (hopefully) and my progress of taking my life by the horns (is that the saying? Probably not) and becoming who I want to be, instead waiting for a publisher to call and say, “I don't know who you are, what you do or what you've done ever in your life, but I want your story that no one knows about to be published!!!”.

This isn't the post to be really talking about it (haha, exploiting your merthur love to read this, I am awful, I know), but I have a finished novel of over 100k words sitting in my drawer (in a folder on my laptop) and I have to focus on it finally, not get distracted and translate it all from Polish (my mother language) to English by myself. Then I'll have to find an editor to check it all for me and some beta readers, because no one but me even touched the finished story and we'll see from there. By talking about it to more people I hope to actually get it done and find my enthusiasm again.

The story is an urban fantasy happening in our times in New York. The fates of two completely different people are more intertwined than they think. The first one is a fantasy writer from London and the other is a broker's bodyguard, a woman who is a splitting image of Death from the writer's short story, exactly how he imagined her when he'd written it as a kid. They meet as adults and try to discover how's that possible that she's Death.

If you were interested, intrigued maybe check for the updates, I'll definitely talk about it in detail within the next few weeks, maybe even share some spoilers ;) on my site. Was thinking of posting a first chapter/prologue some day to get you into the feel of the story and maybe support the creative process.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK!

CLICK BELOW FOR MY NOTES :)

#merthur #merlin #bbc merlin #high fantasy #ranger arthur #ignore me spelling midsummer wrong #it was like 3 am ok?#i am embarassed #and um forgive my bad handwriting #i have no excuses #i write like that everyday

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talesofafangirlwithadvr · 6 years ago

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Top Picks--January

Yes, January is not officially over and yes I have been watching a lot of TV especially since intercession. I decided instead of doing a “What I’m Watching” for the week to sum up some of my overall favorites for the month. [Although ironically a good amount come from this week.]

You’ve been warned of spoilers....

THE GIFTED

Now in its second season, The Gifted has quickly become one of my favorites of not only January but of the 2018-2019 season. I enjoyed the first season but this current season has so much more drama and twists and turns that are keeping me tuned in and (believe it or not) I’m actually up to date. Which makes me super upset after the most recent episode and that ending. How am I supposed to wait 2 weeks when characters’ lives hang in the balance? There are a lot of plot lines and characters to keep up with but now so many story-lines are coming together. I can’t wait to see where this season goes (in the remaining episodes) and hope that it gets picked up for a third. (We are entering that scary time of renewals.)

ROSWELL NEW MEXICO

The latest CW show created by Julie Plec has, of course, caught my interest. While I know this is a reboot from a series made in the 90s I have not watched the original so I don’t know how close it will be following it. So far I am enjoying the concept and the style of the show. It’s nice to see some familiar Vampire Diaries/Originals faces, but I have to keep reminding myself that they will not “wolf out.” I do have a lot of questions (which I understand is good and should continue to bring me back to the show), but I need some of them answered now, like: What kind of powers do the aliens have? How did they learn to use them, etc... This might not seems super important but they are constant things popping into my head while watching the episodes. Right now I’ll just have to wait and see.

LEGACIES

From one Julie Plec show to the next, you might have seen from previous posts that I am loving Legacies. This spin-off of The Originals and The Vampire Diaries also reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with its supernatural big bad of the week and humor. I love being already familiar with this world and can’t wait to see what guest star shows up from the previous shows. While this week I was not the biggest fan of the episode--Main complaints-I missed seeing more characters--(and I was pumped to watched it following the winter hiatus) I am crossing my fingers this show is getting the love it deserves and will return for a 2nd season. So make sure to watch it if you haven’t already. [Even if this week’s episode will be a dream sequence and those aren’t always the most exciting.]

SCHOOLED

Are you a fan of abc’s The Goldbergs or just feel nostalgic for the 90s and love a good sitcom? Then you should be tuning into Schooled Wednesdays on abc. This spin-off (ha another spin-off) of The Goldbergs which follows Adam Goldberg (show creator’s life) living in the 80s. Schooled jumps into the following decade and follows Lainey Louis as she becomes a music teacher at the school she attended as a teenager. While teaching might be her fall back in order to pay off credit card bills, already by episode 3 you can already tell she is enjoying her new career. While I am a huge fan of the original series (which brought me to this show as it so conveniently follows the parent sitcom) I also LOVE reminiscing about the 90s (as I grew up in this decade). This week they referenced tamagotchis.

AT THE MOVIES

THE KID WHO WOULD BE KING

The Kid Who Would Be King premiered this Friday in theaters and you know I was in the theater opening night. I was pumped for this movie and every time I saw the commercial on TV everyone around me knew I was going to say that I wanted to see it. A loyal fan of all things King Arthur and always interested to see how they re-invent the legend and let me tell you that it did not disappoint. It met and exceeded expectations. Funny, exciting, and full of magic it reminded me of a cross between BBC’s Merlin and Percy Jackson. I will definitely watch it again.

BINGEING

WE FINISHED SEASON FOUR!!!!!! GOTHAM has been a showing that my sister and I have been watching since December 2017. Yes, that might seem like a long time (it feels like it as I just wrote the date down). But it’s been a slow but steady race. The show has gotten better and better as the seasons have gone on and Season 4 has been my favorite so far (and the quickest one we have watched). While there were moments that were frustrating (not a huge fan of Sofia Falcone, Jim and Harvey not speaking to one another and Bruce’s party-boy status--which honestly just felt weird to watch) it really ended on a high note and I am SUPER excited to start watching the last season that is now airing on FOX.

STRANGER THINGS

For the January break I decided to FINALLY watch Stranger Things because it’s been on my list for like ever. I watched the first season in about four days and have two episodes left of season two. So obviously I am enjoying it. :) The story is so intriguing and the characters are easy to know. It feels like you become a part of the story. I really like how in both seasons there are multiple plot lines to follow and then the characters meet up and work altogether at the end. Can’t wait to finish season 2--just don’t know if I can wait till July 4th for season 3.

What are you watching? Let me know what were some of your favorites from this month!

#fox the gifted #the gifted #roswell new mexico #roswell new mexico cw #legacies #julie plec #schooled #abc schooled #adam goldberg #the kid who would be king #gotham #bruce wayne #jim gordon #stranger things

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nyxelestia · 6 years ago

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What I Didn’t Write in 2017

So thanks to a confluence of limited time and resources, I had to put a moratorium on starting any new fanfics. That said, I'm still getting plotbunnies. I've found that the process of writing out and talking about a fic is a surprisingly good way to get it out of my system.

Hence, this tag/this series of the posts. Basically, a little bit about my plotbunnies, and what it was about them that intrigued me - whether it was a premise, a theme, or even just a particular scene or two.

(And if anyone finds themselves intrigued by an idea and wants to give it a shot, I absolutely encourage them! :D Please just make sure to drop me a line if you do.)

This particular post is over a year late, and I will be making a separate "what I didn't write in 2018" post soon enough.

Quick list:

Mermaid/Siren+Banshee!Lydia. Lydia as a Siren/Mermaid as well as a banshee (or rather, all three are the same creature at different "stages").

Accidental Mob Boss Scott. Scott gets mistaken by the FBI for a criminal prodigy and he kinda runs with it because reasons. :)

BBC Merlin "Crossover"/AU. The Core Four (Scott, Stiles, Allison, and Lydia) are reincarnations of the original medieval Core Four (Arthur, Merlin, Guinevere, and Morgana).

"Bitten!Melissa AU". Canon divergence from Season 1, where Stiles wasn't able to get to Melissa in time when she went on that date with Peter, and he Bit her.

Dark Scott/Deucalion fic. After Season 5, Scott starts sleeping with Deucalion in exchange for Deucalion taking some of his more traumatic memories involving his loved ones.

CSA!Survivor Scott. Rafael molested Scott, and everyone finds out because nogitusne. Scott still resents Rafael more for leaving him than for abusing him in the first place, but also still loves him - so he tries to protect his father from all his friends.

Boyd/Malia, bonding over their guilt about being responsible for their little sisters' deaths, and finding a new family in their pack (and each other).

bb!Scott and Stiles brushing up against the supernatural. "I've got a prompt for you, Can you write a story about Scott and Stiles as kids exploring/getting in trouble in Beacon Hills with a bit of supernatural throwed in because it's Beacon hills but they don't really realise it ?"

Sheriff Stilinski as a LEAP Officer. How that influences him being a police officer to such a crazy town as Beacon Hills, and how that's why he encouraged Stiles to become a detective/go the FBI route instead.

Expansions and elaborations below the cut.

1.) Mermaid/Siren+Banshee!Lydia. Lydia as a Siren/Mermaid as well as a banshee (or rather, all three are the same creature at different "stages").

All right, so we already know that many of the supernatural creatures and shapeshifters have multiple shapes - i.e. the werewolves have their largely human shape, their somewhat monstrous shape, and then some change into a wolf or coyote altogether. It's also mentioned that the kanima has another stage of development in which it has wings - and honestly, put wings on the kanima, you basically get a small dragon. We also see that most of the legends are heavily distorted, but with grains of truth to them, and sometimes the different legends get mixed up.

What if banshees are the same way?

We know she has psychic capabilities - which extend well beyond merely detecting people's deaths, as we see in the later seasons. We also see that her voice is her power, giving her powers far beyond what banshees have in legend...but coming awfully close to certain other legends. i.e. Lydia uses her voice to "call people's names" and draw people forward - almost like what sirens and other "water women" in myths (most typically associated with sound, singing, and seduction) also do.

Additionally, what was Lydia and Lorraine's favorite fairytale? The Little Mermaid.

This one, I never wrote because it was more of a headcanon or concept idea, rather than any actual plot or story. I might still incorporate this into another AU entirely. But tl;dr, banshees are just mermaids (and/or sirens) whilst on dry land, so along with being a banshee, Lydia is actually a mermaid.

2.) Accidental Mob Boss Scott. Scott gets mistaken by the FBI for a criminal prodigy and he kinda runs with it because reasons. :)

This one is actually still in the works with @liveandletrain, but it's still mostly a collection of ideas without much plot yet, and it was planned in 2017 but it's now 2018 2019, so it's on this list.

The gist of it is, take a look at all the mayhem in Beacon Hills from the perspective of the FBI. In particular, take a look at Scott McCall. There is all this violence and chaos - and Scott seems to be at the center of it, time and again. There seems to be a long history of violence and bad blood between the Hale and Argent families, for no discernible reason - and yet Scott swoops in and suddenly it gets resolved, with the descendants of those two families making peace with each other, and apparently even working together?

FBI eventually concludes that this must all be secret mob activity, and Scott is some kind of evil teenage prodigy that somehow managed to take over these two different mobs in high school. They start stalking the McCall Pack in an effort to figure this out - and now the pack has to balance preserving the secret of the supernatural, with keeping their own asses out of jail. Clearly, the answer is to actually pretend that they're a mob, without doing so in a way that creates evidence.

They...have a little too much fun pretending to be in a mob. If you don't believe me, I ask you to imagine asking Corey and Mason to be pretend mob henchmen.

3.) BBC Merlin "Crossover"/AU. The Core Four (Scott, Stiles, Allison, and Lydia) are reincarnations of the original medieval Core Four (Arthur, Merlin, Guinevere, and Morgana).

To be honest, I don't have much more thought behind this than that. I noticed some parallels and ran with them, and I might still make a gifset or something out of this. I just had this idea that everything we see in Beacon Hills is just a "dress rehearsal"/precursor to something far bigger and deeper, something that's going to change the world - a change that will be spearheaded by the original Core Four. But we don't see that yet, we just see what they're up to as kids just warming up for the real deal.

Scott and Arthur are both leaders who have to contend with a lot of warfare, lies, and manipulation, but try to rise above them -- instead striving for peace and diplomacy, though with mixed results. They will both battle if they have to, and their proficiency gives them the capability to end wars. But, while they sure always end fights, they never start them.

Stiles and Merlin are, of course, their best friends and confidantes...and the ones occasionally willing to do their "dirty work" so to speak. I had two ideas, one is that Stiles inherits Merlin's powerful magic...and the other that Stiles isn't magical at all/is no more powerful than any other given Emissary like Deaton. He's just a regular ol' Emissary, because magical power is not his power, what makes him particularly powerful. But things like a certain level of suspicion to counteract their leading friends' whole heartedness, and doing "under the table" work to supplement their friends' best efforts. The kind of magic Merlin had is not all that necessary or helpful in the modern era, but just about everything else about Merlin is, and Stiles has them in spades.

Allison and Guinevere are both beautiful women, but also warriors in their own right - and on top of that, both of them make weapons, too! Ironically, I originally paralleled Allison to Guinevere purely for them both being leaders (Allison as the Argent Matriarch, Guinevere as the Queen of Camelot), and for the fact they both forged weapons/made weapons. I then remembered they both had a relationship with the other leader/the king. XD

Lydia and Morgana can both, in their own ways, see the future. They both also had their early stories marked by people lying to them and manipulating them, and people constantly trying to use them. They both had a somewhat sororal relationship with "the king" (Lydia being somewhat sisterly to Scott, and Morgana being Arthur's half-sister) and to "the queen" (Lydia being Allison's best friend, and Morgana once being Guinevere's best friend).

4.) "Bitten!Melissa AU". Canon divergence from Season 1, where Stiles wasn't able to get to Melissa in time when she went on that date with Peter, and he Bit her.

I didn't really have a plot for this, it was just a neat idea. What would change about the ending of Season 1 if Melissa had also become a werewolf? And the rest of the show after it?

The most significant idea I had was that Scott, still believing Derek's claim that they have to kill the alpha who turned them, would realize this means they can't both be cured. In his desperation, he would likely finally cave in and go to the Argents - especially if he finally told Melissa everything, and she assumed that Derek's claims (and the limited conclusive evidence he presented) were exaggerated or unfounded.

The Argents would probably still be quite hostile to Scott and Melissa, but also a little more sympathetic if made to see them both as victims, neither of them willing werewolves and both seeking a cure. They wouldn't have one, but since most of the Argents at least try to stick to the Code, they wouldn't just murder the McCalls on the post.

...except for Kate, who they still don't know really DID murder the Hale pack, despite their innocence. >:)

5.) Dark Scott/Deucalion fic. After Season 5, Scott starts sleeping with Deucalion in exchange for Deucalion taking some of his more traumatic memories involving his loved ones.

Slightly dark AU in which Scott desperately wants to get rid of certain memories - not of the people who he hates hurting him, but of the people he loved hurting him. Ranging from Derek's attacks on him to Allison hunting him down to Stiles' lashing, Scott's been hurt by the people he loves one too many times. Rather than try to do the healthy thing and address those traumas, he figures he might as well take a silver lining in being a werewolf, and manipulate memory - in this case, his own. Especially since he records a video diary of what happened or writes it down, so it's not like he's trying to pretend it never happened - he's only erasing the trauma itself.

Of course, it turns out an alpha can't take their own memory away, so he has to find another alpha to do it for him...and the only one willing to do this is Deucalion.

And he's not gonna do it for free.

6.) CSA!Survivor Scott. Rafael molested Scott, and everyone finds out because nogitusne. Scott still resents Rafael more for leaving him than for abusing him in the first place, but also still loves him - so he tries to protect his father from all his friends.

I ended up not writing this for my mental health/personal reasons, but I actually outlined this entire thing. The nogitsune, when it needs to buy itself some time, distracts everyone by revealing Stiles' long-standing suspicions about Rafael to everyone. Of course, it doesn't significantly change things at the time, save one way: Allison's last plan, made in the car with Derek and her dad on their way to Oak Creek, was to try to find evidence to get Rafael imprisoned for what he did to Scott, and to do so without having to tell Scott what they were doing.

And then she died, but Chris and Isaac are determined to carry out her last mission - even against Scott's wishes - and Derek, finally coming to terms with what Kate did to him, agrees to help. Scott insists that this is between him and his father, and it should be up to him to decide whether or not to forgive Raf or press charges, right? The only one who agrees with him is Lydia - though she argues if there are other victims, they should have the same right. So, Scott brokers a deal - if his friends find evidence that Raf ever hurt a single other kid, Scott would press charges to get the investigation rolling, but if they didn't, they let it drop.

Unfortunately for everyone, they never did find such evidence, nor are they willing to just drop it. They're a step away from just killing Raf to be safe, and Scott has no idea what to do...until someone reveals that this was Allison's last mission, and her effort to protect Scott, or at least get justice for him. Scott walks into the police station himself, after that, with not just an accusation, but video evidence - which it turns out he'd had the whole time, and held onto because he wanted to protect his dad.

7.) Boyd/Malia, bonding over their guilt about being responsible for their little sisters' deaths, and finding a new family in their pack (and each other).

Everyone lives AU, and also one of those premises without a plot. Mostly, I liked the idea of Boyd and Malia bonding because they both felt responsible for the deaths of their little sisters.

Malia doesn't know how Boyd can stand working at the ice rink she went missing in - until she realizes he has held onto that job despite all the supernatural-induced inconsistency due to the rink owners' guilt, and Boyd uses his position to make sure no creeps ever harm a child again. It's too late for him to save his own sister, but he can make sure there's never another case like that again.

Meanwhile, Malia never stops regularly visiting the crashed car where her mother and sister died, preserving the doll she leaves there in remembrance. It's with Boyd's support that she finally tells her dad the whole truth, and indeed he doesn't take it well at first. But he eventually comes to realize that it wasn't Malia's fault, how much she regrets it, and how she was the one taking care of their death site all these years. Boyd helps Malia make a new, proper roadside memorial/grave for her mom and sister.

8.) bb!Scott and Stiles brushing up against the supernatural. "I've got a prompt for you, Can you write a story about Scott and Stiles as kids exploring/getting in trouble in Beacon Hills with a bit of supernatural throwed in because it's Beacon hills but they don't really realise it ?"

This was a prompt, which I promptly lost and sadly am not getting back to because I don't even remember what the prompt was for/from in the first place. In retrospect, that means it probably wasn't an event? IDK

But basically, wolf!Talia's POV taking a relaxing stroll through the forest when she comes across a dog whose leash is tangled in a bush. It takes a bit of cowing to get the dog to hold still, but she's able to untangle the dog and release it, whereby it runs back towards two little boys who are clearly looking for a "Roxy", shouting around in the woods like that.

Boys and dog are reunited, though Talia is a little worried that two unsupervised boys made it this deep into the woods, and she realizes they must've given their parents the sleep. So, she gives a nice, theatrical growl, that scares the boys right back to their parents' sides where they belong.

All in a day's good work.

9.) Sheriff Stilinski as a LEAP Officer. How that influences him being a police officer to such a crazy town as Beacon Hills, and how that's why he encouraged Stiles to become a detective/go the FBI route instead.

This was more of a headcanon than any kind of plotbunny, and thus absent of plot, I'm not writing a dedicated fic for it. But the idea is that Sheriff Stilinski is a member of LEAP - formerly Law Enforcement Against Prohibition, and nowadays Law Enforcement Action Partnership. Basically, it's a group of cops, judges, and other law enforcement officials who advocate for community based and less-/non-violent policing.

The group was originally founded by police officers who saw the War on Drugs as needlessly creating more violence and solving almost nothing in relation to drugs. They wanted to end drug prohibition, seeing it as a source of violence and a waste of police resources. They've since expanded to ..."improving police-community relations, reducing and finding alternatives to incarceration, improving access to harm reduction services, ending the War on Drugs, and global issues.".

So how is this relevant? Well, the focus on this kind of policing is about expanding public safety - and not on "justice"/arrest and incarceration. Community comes first, and arresting people is not nearly as important as reducing recidivism. In other words, it's a kind of policing which puts "help the people" first...and "catch the bad guys" last. This certainly goes against the typical image of policing, doesn't it? But while this does change law enforcement priority, both are necessary.

The fic was basically about the Sheriff telling Stiles that he'll make a great detective one day...which is exactly why he shouldn't be a cop. A cop is someone who sticks around in their community and focuses mostly on helping and protecting good guys. Analyzing messy situations, finding bad guys, and taking them down, that's not really a big part of police work - and ideally, the least amount of police work. He thinks Stiles should focus on being a detective, with someone like the FBI, where their entire job is hunting down bad guys (rather than protecting and serving the people).

Given how much Stiles has idealized himself as a beat cop, it's a tough conversation to have - but a necessary one, because putting someone who sees bad guys everyone into the metaphorical blue shirt is a recipe for police brutality. He thinks Stiles has great skills - he just wants to make sure those skills get put to use in the right place, and the streets ain't it.

#nyxie DOESN'T write things #teen wolf #nyxie talks about her writing

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dreamingbrownie · 6 years ago

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Tagging games #5

I’ve been tagged by @fandom-glazed and wanted to do this anyway, so here we go! Tagging anyone who wants to do this ^__^ 1. what’s your favorite way to dress? Black all the way. I’m a fancy goth on the inside and trying (but most likely failing) on the outside. 2. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Not to be so voulnerable to the people that mean a lot to me would be nice. Not getting attached so fucking fast. 3. What movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? I tend to love movies reducing me to a sobbing mess, so that doesn’t count as calming me down, does it? As for a series, I’m all for Merlin BBC at the moment which I watch unfrequently with @fandom-glazed on Netflix and usually laugh my ass off at Arthur and Merlin’s antics. :D 4. What does your room smell like? Dust, nailpolish, some tea and the slightly burnt smell of my old heaters. 5. Do you like to organize? Hell fucking no. I’m an ADD person, nope, I don’t. 6. What kind of music would you listen to if you could only choose one? German rock / gothic rock. Unheilig, Staubkind, Blutengel, Lord of the Lost, Letzte Instanz, that kind of thing. Not that either of those bands would ring a bell with most of tumblr users, I assume. 7. What song is your aesthetic? Oh man, making me choose there is mean. Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, Stand my ground by Within Temptation, Morgana by Lord of the Lost. Hard and heavy. 8. What color do you think goes best with your personality? Crimson like my hair right now, probably. 9. Do you believe in auras? Nope. 10. What do you wish you hated, but actually like? Ballet. To wish for having been introduced to how to ruin your body in the most beautiful way as a child is kind of unhealthy. 11. Vague about your crush(es) Valentin Winter / van Porcelain. That man. Go to his tumblr @valentinvanporcelaine and dare ask me again why I’m addicted to his aesthetics. 12. Is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? Yep. Not talking about specific people in my personal life here tho. 13. Talk about an AU or story you came up with Oh boy, here we go. If you get me started on my vampire novels, we’ll be here all day and I won’t even be half way finished. I adore my own characters to a decree that might be weird, I ship some of them and the main gay pair Count Louis and his life long best friend and personal vassal Chris, later Knight of Alderton, to death and writing anything with those two idiots in love soothes me so much. The main trilogy (A shimmer of Red, Black and Silver respectively) is huge (as in 200k for the first, 140k for the second and 110k as of yet for the unfinished third) but not finished yet, I’m almost there and would have been a year ago if I’d just get my arse out of the Fantastic Beasts Fandom and saunter off to writing my own stuff again. Unfortunately, Albus and Gellert own my ass at the moment and I’m overflowing with plotbunnies that won’t go away on their own. I know my mind. I need to write them all down before I get any peace at all. Lol. 14. Do you like makeup? No, not really, I like sharp-winged-eyeliner though. 15. Do you prefer space or the ocean? Ocean all the way. Space is fascinating and I’m a massive nerd for SpaceX because their projects are so promising for the future of mankind, but standing at the shore, being able to breathe properly again (asthma kid here, hi) and cry from sheer relief of hearing the waves crash against the cliff or roll onto the beach again is my life blood. I’ll have that next week again. Fucking finally. The sea soothes me so, so much and I suffer from constant longing for distance. We have a very fitting word for the feeling in German. Fernweh. Roughly translated to “I want to get far away from here so much it hurts.” Yeah, that’s the German language right there for you. 16. If you could pick any planet besides earth, where would you live? Pandora, probably. You know, three meters tall blue humanoids, a captivating nature, trees large enough to be a bother for the planet’s rotation, probably? Yeah. I’d like that very much. 17. What form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) I’m quite content with the German system of Social economy. Pure capitalism, socialism and communism are shit, don’t work in the long run and should just be abolished altogether. 18. What animal would you keep as a pet, if you could? Give me a black cat, please 19. What do you think our purpose is in the universe? To find our place between the stars, become a multi planetary species and to develop a way that’s not as destructive to the planet we inhabit. There’s a beautiful sentence that sums it all up in Interstellar from Cooper: “We might have been born on earth, but we don’t have to die here.” 20. Do you believe in god(s)? Nope. Atheist all the way. Before anyone misunderstands me, though: believe whatever you want to, I don’t judge people for their religion, it’s just so not my tea. 21. Is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? Yep. Chasing cars by Snow Patrol. 22. What ex do you miss the most, if you have one? Mean question. I only have an ex-girlfriend and sometimes I miss her gentleness and how instantly she saw right through me, but she replaced me, we’ve been done for a bit more than five years now and I’m over her. :) 23. Do you like soft, fluffy blankets or rough/smooth blankets? Soft, fluffy blankets all the way. 24. What is your favorite thing to learn about? History. What do you think I’d study that for? :D 25. What country’s history do you find the most interesting? Man, that’s a mean one again. I’m pretty solid on English history, but I don’t know the first thing about Asian history altogether because german schools don’t teach that and we’ve got a different subject for Asian culture in university so it’s not included in my must-do-schedule too, but I’d like to learn more about it soon. 26. What do you think about genderbent ____ (insert someone here) Nope, noping right out, nopedinopenope, not my tea. At all. 27. What breakup was the hardest, if you had one? The one I had was... bad. Not talking about that here any further tho. 28. Do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? A couple of weeks ago, my answer would have been yes, but I’ve got that all sorted out now. Not dwelling on it, though. It doesn’t matter. 29. What do you think about tumblr discourse? Ughhh. Exhausting most of the time. I loved the metas in the Sherlock fandom before it all fell apart and I like Fantastic Beasts metas, but people get so emotional so fast that normal discussions are all but impossible here. 30. What instrument do you wish you could master? Piano. Still salty that I’ve been forced to stop that as a child. 31. How easy is it for you to be honest? Very. I’m a very honest person and I’m shite at lying. 32. Do you have any strange interests? Fandoms, probably? xD I find fossils infinetely fascinating, anything conserning dragons (that sounds strange in context, I’m well aware that they don’t exist) and the way stars are born in large nebulas is something poetic to me. 33. Do you have any strange fears? Strange? I dunno, I’ve just about ran out of the kitched screaming at the top of my lungs when a fucking spider dropped ON MY HEAD yesterday evening, you tell me if that’s strange. Drowning would suck a lot, I guess. Anything that makes you suffocate. Nope. 34. What food do you binge on when you’re lazy? Toast with something on it. I did that in exam week last week, not because I’m lazy but because I just did not have the time or the nerves for cooking. 35. When you get angry, how do you show it? I go all quiet and drill my posture to absolute perfection until it hurts. You’ll notice when I’m mad. Seldom happens, though, I’m hard to offend. 36. Do you have any impulsive movements? (twitches, ticks, flapping, etc.) Picking fingers. Bad habit that I’m trying to get rid of. 37. What do you listen to music on? YouTube and Spotify on the PC, used my phone a massive lot for that during the summer too but now with all the layers of jackets and coats and such it’s a bit hard to stuff my large phone anywhere. 38. Are you left brained or right brained? Uhhhh what? I’m right handed, but I don’t think I have any tendencies otherwise. 39. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. 40. Do you like light blankets or heavy blankets? Light blankets for around the flat, heavy in bed. I’d like to be able to breathe.

#tagging games #tagging games part five #not hp

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malecsecretsanta · 6 years ago

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Merry Christmas, @hisa-ai!

Hey, Caitlin! I had an awesome time working on your gift, I hope you enjoy it. Have a Merry Christmas!

Summary: BBC Merlin, but malec. Alec is the crowned king of Idris, Magnus is a sorcerer in hiding. He has been Alec’s manservant for four years. They don’t always get along, but they have a special connection. Only, the time he come for Alec to marry and Magnus knows when he chooses a bride things will change.

Read on AO3

*****

A King and His Warlock

Magnus was more than frustrated. With Alec finally having taken his place as king there was a lot of expectations. Multiple princesses had been paraded through Idris in the past fortnight. Magnus thought Lydia had seemed the most promising, not that a servant’s opinion mattered. Then again, Magnus was more than a servant. Not that he could say as much, but he’d been Alec manservant for years, and despite them constantly butting heads, Magnus knew they were friends.

However, he wasn’t at all supportive of this widely agreed upon rumour that Alec was getting ready to marry. He understood, Alec needed a spouse, and it only made sense to do so now that he was king. But, throughout their friendship Magnus had done something so incredibly stupid. He’d fallen for the prideful king.

He knew it wasn’t a servant’s place. To fall for the king, to love him in ways different than that of a carer. Magnus almost felt it wasn’t his fault, though. They were bonded. According to the most cryptic dragon in the entire world, Ragnor, their fate was intertwined by a thread that could not be broken. All this stress had definitely caused it be frayed and tangled, however. Which meant Magnus was doing what always calmed him down. Magic. Which of course he was doing in the privacy of his chambers. Not only was he stuck in Idris watching Alec choose a bride, but he also couldn’t tell anyone what he was.

“It’s not like it matters,” Magnus muttered to himself. “Alec doesn’t want to marry, he’s told me as much. I’ll have time to prepare.”

Which he needed, desperately. Magnus had always worn his heart on his sleeve, and it had caused him far too much pain. There’s something in Magnus that’s beginning to believe he’s not meant to love. Zachariah had told him many times that he was the greatest sorcerer of their time, possibly ever, and perhaps that was his purpose. Just a man with magic, that he wasn’t granted the luxuries of a simple life.

“Ugh,” he sighed, pushing the bowl away.

He’d been working on potions lately. His caretaker, Zachariah, was a physician but he’d once been a sorcerer like Magnus. He was teaching him everything he could whenever they had time, but Magnus had also been doing a lot of studying in private. He wanted to know more, he needed to. It was hard on his own, though.

“Magnus!” a voice came bellowing and the man lifted his head to give a small smile at his closed door. “Magnus, are you here?”

He hopped up from the bed and pushed the bowl under it, before making his way to the main area. Clary was standing in the doorway, looking more than a little frazzled.

“Where have you been?” she demanded.

“Good afternoon to you as well,” Magnus couldn’t help himself.

Clary was Lady Isabelle’s handmaid and Magnus had been fast friends with her when he’d com to Idris a few years ago.

“I haven’t seen you since this morning, Magnus,” she sighed. “What have you been doing all day?”

“Zachariah needed my help,” he rolled his eyes. “He had to run out for herbs and needed me to be here in case any patients came by,” which was true.

“Well, it’s clearly not busy,” Clary gestured to the empty room. “Anyway, I need you. We need to get the castle ready.”

“Ready?” Magnus questioned.

“Yeah,” she raised her eyebrows, but as no recognition seemed to fall upon him she sighed. “You really didn’t hear? I thought the king told you everything.”

“Clearly not,” he responded. “What’s going on, Clary?”

“Alec,” she said softly, she’d known him since she was a child and was one of the few servants that could call him by his name without a title. “He’s chosen a bride.”

Magnus felt the wind had been knocked out of him. Already? But, Magnus had asked Alec if he intended to marry and he’d said no. Why had he changed his mind? What had changed?

“Are you coming?” Clary sighed. “We expect whoever it is will be visiting soon.”

“You go ahead, I really do need to watch things until Zachariah returns,” Magnus insisted.

“Okay, be sure to find me later,” she insisted. “Bye.”

“Bye,” he called after her.

Magnus slumped down into one of the wooden chairs at their eating table that was littered with scrolls and herbs. He looked around the small room, all the dusty books and discarded pieces of cloth. This had been his home for many years now, and he’d come to regard it as such. Edom had never been home, and he only faintly recalled he various villages he’d spent time in. Idris was home to him, Zachariah and Clary were home to him, Alexander was home to him.

Perhaps that was wrong, though. He was just a servant after all. Ragnor’s prophecies or not, Magnus was a servant, and servants are replaceable. If he left Alec would be fine. He was a smart and strong king, he had an entire army, not to mention his siblings. The more Magnus thought about it, the more he realized… Alec didn’t need him.

He moved to his room, sitting down on the poor excuse for a bed. Alec didn’t need him. Sure, he’d saved the king’s life a few times, but there was a chance Alec could have done it himself… maybe. And, at the end of the day, no matter how close he believed they were, Alec was still a king.

Magnus grabbed his bag and started packing. He needed to do it right away or he might talk himself out of it. He just wanted to get away. Alec would be mad, but he’d get over it. Probably find another servant and forget all about Magnus.

Once he was done packing Magnus moved over to one of Zachariah’s work tables, grabbed a few pieces of parchment and wrote goodbye letters. One to Zachariah to thank him for all his care and help. And for keeping his secret and nurturing his gift. One to Clary, for being such a good friend. One to Lady Isabelle, for being so kind to him and also keeping his secret, as she also knew of his magic. Then, for Alec. This one wasn’t a thank you letter, instead he apologized. For leaving. Magnus wanted to confess his feelings, but it wouldn’t be fair. Alec probably wouldn’t even care.

Once he had the letters ready he got up to leave, which was when Zachariah returned.

“Magnus?” he questioned. “Where are you going?” he motioned to the bag.

“I’m leaving,” he admitted. “Alec is getting married, and I can’t be here any longer.”

He’d never told Zachariah that he was in love with Alec, but he was sure the other knew.

“He needs you, Magnus,” he said softly.

“No, he doesn’t. He’ll be fine. I can’t be a part of this any longer,” he shrugged.

“Well, I won’t stop you, I doubt I could,” he sighed. “I will miss you, though.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Magnus nodded and took out the letter for Zachariah, placing it on the work table. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” Zachariah nodded. “I don’t believe this is the last time our paths will cross, though.”

“I hope not,” he replied before slipping out the door and making his way to the castle.

He gave the letters for the three others to another servant. He knew if any of them talked to him he might not be able to leave, and he couldn’t risk that.

He went to the stables and got his horse. It used to belong to Alec, but Alec had given it to him after one of their many hunting trips. Saying that Magnus needed a proper horse.

He was out of Idris by mid-day. But, since he left so late he had to set camp early. He went to a lake just on the edge of Idris’ borders that he’d always loved. He could travel at night, but it required him to use a lot of his magic, and he always felt exhausted after. So, it was just the smart call to set camp.

As he fell asleep that night he thought of Alec, of everything they’d done together and for each other. Leaving it behind, it hurt. Magnus could feel the ache in his chest, deep and pulsing. He loved the king so much, but he could only suffer in silence for so long. And, he knew it wasn’t Alec’s fault. You don’t get to choose who you love.

He woke the next morning later than usual. Zachariah was always waking him up on time, not living with the other was going to be a strange reality to get used to. Magnus decided to bath in the lake before he set off. He still wasn’t sure where he was going, but as far away from Idris sounded right.

He thought about Alec as he washed himself. He must be so mad at that moment. For Magnus just bailing right before one of the most important days of his life. He was really going to miss hearing Alec call for him.

“Magnus!”

Nevermind.

His head shot to where the sound had come from. There stood Alec, in Idris’ golden colours, looking every bit the king he was. Also looking furious.

Magnus would admit being caught naked in a lake was not his idea of an appropriate place for whatever was about to happen, but he was Magnus Bane, and he wasn’t about to show his hand. So, he placed his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrows.

“Alexander,” he said simply.

“What the hell!?” he held up the latter Magnus had written him. “You can’t just leave.”

Magnus sighed, moving over to his clothes, not even bothering to try and hide his bare body from Alec’s view.

“It’s a free kingdom,” unless you have magic, he added in his head. “I think you’ll find I can leave,” he argued as he got dressed.

“What is wrong with you?” Alec demanded, moving over to him now that he was out of the water. “Are you ill?”

“Does it really shock you that I don’t want to spend my life doing chores for you?” Magnus shot, tugging on his breeches.

“Magnus!” Alec was confused beyond belief. “Did I do something?”

“No,” he grumbled. “Yes… I don’t know.”

“What’s going on?” Alec pushed.

“I don’t want to stand around watching you marry some girl, okay?” Magnus finally said, deciding he was leaving, so why hide it now? “I can’t, Alexander. I can’t stand there and pretend I’m happy for you when I’m not. I can’t just put up with it. I love you, and that’s not going to change. It’s not going away, and I’m sor-”

He stopped abruptly, mostly due to the lips that had suddenly found him.

Alec was kissing him. Magnus didn’t even hesitate before kissing him back, despite the fact that he had no idea what was going on. Magnus’ hands dropped the tunic he’d been about to put on and found their way into Alec’s dark hair while the king’s hands settled on Magnus’ bare hips. Magnus had been close to Alec physically before, hell he’d dressed him for years, but this was different. Different and so much better. Magnus felt Alec begin to pull away and squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to lose it so fast. He did let the king pull away, though.

Alec’s eyes were wide, as if he’d surprised himself. A flush Magnus was all too familiar with was blooming across the king’s cheeks, sneaking down his throat and below the collar of his shirt.

“You’re full of surprises this morning,” the warlock finally said.

“Magnus,” he sighed, and finally a smile bloomed of his stressed face. “I am not marrying some foreign princess. I want to marry you.” Alec shook his head. “Now, will you come back to the kingdom so I can properly court you?”

Magnus was not known for admitting he was wrong, or feeling embarrassed for the very same reason. Both were occurring in the man now.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Alec crossed his arms. “You might want to put on a shirt before we return, as well.”

Magnus snatched up the tunic and began to dress again, his eyes watching the other man, unable to help himself. The two silently readied their horses, and Magnus wasn’t sure if they were going to talk at all.

“And, Magnus?” Alec finally called his attention.

“Yes?” He looked up as he climbed onto his horse.

“I love you, too,” he said softly, turning his horse to head back to the kingdom.

Magnus smiled.

The End

#hisa-ai #malecsanta18 #*fics18 #*gifts18

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mcrfanficsforall · 7 years ago

Text

Historical Fic Rec

Frank/Gerard

Twelve

When Frank stopped coming to the fence, the bluebirds stopped singing.

A Good Ocean Gone Wrong

Titanic AU - The Way's are one of the richest families in America and sometimes being an artist requires the need to travel. On the doomed maiden voyage of Titanic old friends are found, new love is formed and put to the test and the most luxurious crossing of the Atlantic ocean becomes a fight for survival.

Shadows Fall Behind

Just before the turn of the twentieth century, the Iero household experiences it’s second devastating loss. When Edward Iero, world renowned architect, replaces the recently deceased and much loved head of staff, Donald, with his eldest son, Gerard, no one knows if anything will work out.

Frank is a book loving recluse who rarely sees the outside of his study, but when Gerard enters his house and his life, he gets a love story all of his own.

Imitate the Sun

A BBC Merlin AU. The passing of the crown is never easy, but Gerard has the additional task of bringing Camelot out from the shadow of his late father's fear of magic. Meanwhile, Mikey's nightly visions are growing more ominous by the day, and Frank, a new arrival at court, is occupying more and more of Gerard's thoughts. Is Frank other than he appears at first glance? And how can Gerard, Ray and the rest of his knights protect Camelot from the dangers of the world when the threat may come from within? A tale of magic, betrayal, sacrifice and true love.

Hide and Dress

Sir Frank Iero is married to the man he loves, but nothing is perfect.

Ain't We Got Fun

Gerard's smile is slow and lazy, reflected in the mirror he's seated in front of as he fixes his hair and smudges kohl around his eyes. "Well, well, well," he says, his voice low and pleased. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The year is 1927, and Frank Iero never did learn to look before he leaps.

This Tornado Loves You

1933. Frank's been on the run a long time and he's forced to stop in his old hometown. At first things are about what he expects - old friends, unpleasant memories, and a less-than-desirable home life. Everything changes one night when he stumbles on an old hedge maze hidden in the woods. It's not the hedge maze that intrigues him the most, though, but the secrets of the house hidden inside.

Nevermind About The Shape I’m In

The pirate nods. “Frank. I like it. I’m Gerard. I would shake your hand but, I’m afraid I can’t reach from here.” He tilts his head back to laugh and Frank can’t take his eyes off the line of Gerard’s throat. “So, Frank,” he starts, and Frank’s eyes snap up, unaware he’s been staring. “How would you feel about rescuing an innocent man?”

Variations on a Fugue

Frank Iero is a young nobleman currently living with his parents in the Lake District, where he plans on leading a quiet life away from London and its temptations. However, temptation moves into his neighbourhood in the face of one Gerard Way. (Early Edwardian AU.)

Deadly Masquerade

The year is 1792, and the mysterious Black Parade has become famous for saving people from the guillotine. Frank, an idealistic revolutionary, has been recruited by Korse to uncover the secret identities of the notorious Black Parade. What he discovers will change his life.

Pantomime (being here with wings on our feet)

Victorian era. Gerard is the son of a wealthy salesman and Frank is his chimney sweep. ‘Calming’ is an important word for Gerard, especially when his brain spends most minutes of the day in a blind and desperate panic about the rest of his life. But somehow, Frank manages to stop all of that.

A Lovely Apparition (or, The One Where Gerard's A Crossdresser in the 1790s)

Michael didn’t seem particularly shocked when Gerard approached him with the idea, but then, Gerard had never seen his younger brother look particularly shocked at anything. He merely looked at Gerard, blinked once or twice, and repeated in a flat tone, “You want me to help you dress up like a woman.”

“It’s the stays in particular I think I’ll need help with,” Gerard told him. “Well, and buttoning the dress, and perhaps the wig.”

Chimerical Romantics

It began with two boys, brothers, peculiar even in the peculiar place where they grew up.

Against the Wind

Frank is the tutor for the two young children of Michael and Alicia Way. He has always been sickly, but when he begins to fall seriously ill he tries to hide it from his employers, terrified he will lose his position and have nothing. When Michael’s older brother Gerard unexpectedly returns from the continent, however, his problems only grow.

I will bring a mirror

Written for prompt number five of the yobrothatssick challenge: One foggy, wet afternoon, a mysterious young man collapses on the doorstep of Lord Morrison's manor. He does not remember his name or how he came to be there, but he does not seem that unfamiliar to Gerard, Lord Morrison's ward...

Lived Those Nights Like We Were Dying

WWII AU

All the While You Hold the Key

Frank is in an arranged marriage and/or a mail-order bride type position (with Gerard), and is... secretly sick and hiding it!

A Sound of Far-Off Music

Prompt: 77 - Secret Garden-style AU where Frank is the sickly son of a reclusive Lord, hidden away from the world because his family believes he will never, ever get well. So he stays in his room with his guitars and his books, basically just waiting for the time when he gets so sick that he wastes completely away. Then Gerard comes to stay at his manor (bonus points if there is also Mikey and they are ORPHANS) and accidentally discovers him one night during a storm, and they become friends and bond over music, and Gerard basically out-stubborns Frank and forces him to believe he can get better. And he does! And then they make out!

Shook-Up World

Frank is just a kid when he discovers Gerard's secret, and it changes his life. When they meet again by chance years later, Frank's carrying around a few secrets of his own.

What Ships Are For

A ship is safe in a harbor, but that's not what ships are for. -William Shedd

Gerard is most concerned when he finds that, while away at university, his father has taken in a new ward of his own brother's age. But upon his return home, he finds the young man to be particularly enchanting; unfortunately, according to the High Society he lives in, not only is Frank entirely too poor to be considered, but they might as well be brothers.

Like a Horse and Carriage

Frank was raised wild, on a merchant vessel that sailed all around the world. When he returns home, an orphan, he is wed to a man with money and name that he has never met. A Victorian AU.

These Walls Are Built To Fall

Gerard falls in love with the stable boy.

Creep In Like a Whisper

Gerard and Mikey are wealthy land-owners, and Frank is a newly-attained slave with trust issues. They show him they're not like typical masters.

A World So Small

When Frank, a sickly young man, is advised by his doctors to leave London for the country, he makes arrangements to stay with his friend Michael, who just so happens to be in possession of a large, old, and somewhat creepy manor house. What Frank has no idea of at the time is that Michael has an older brother, whose presence in the house he conceals. Gerard is an eccentric recluse who spends most of his time hiding in the attic and avoiding any kind of interaction with people, but he finds himself fascinated with Frank, who in turn realizes that the house has secrets, and becomes determined to uncover them. When he finally does discover Gerard, their first meeting is only the beginning of their story.

King and Country

Today, they'd woken up and Gerard was King of Illyria. Frank hasn't really been a stable boy since he ended up in the archduke's bed, but now Gerard's exile is over and he's king. Frank has to survive court, politics, and scheming nobles to figure out exactly what he is now.

Can Never Wrong this Right

Written for the hc_bingo challenge, for the square of 'forced soul-bonding.'

It's 1949 and Dr. Way is a professor of Archeology and Frank is his constantly exasperated (and secretly pining) assistant. When their latest trek takes them to South America to locate the fabled Blood Stone, however, they both find more than they bargained for.

Frank/Mikey

Below the Trees, Which Are Below the Stars

In the mid-1920s, Gerard and Mikey moved to France - Gerard to pursue art, Mikey because he couldn't stay behind. Now, it's 1930, and Mikey's become an airmail pilot, flying the mail route to Dakar with his navigator Frank. For a long time, the only rough thing about Mikey's life was the strain on his and Gerard's soulbond when Mikey was away, but his growing feelings for Frank and the arrival of Frank's old friend Ray could change everything.

#frerard #my chemical romance #mcr #fic rec #historical

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panharmonium · 5 years ago

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Hey! Loving the Merlin takes on ur blog, and I wanted to ask—what are your opinions on Morgana? Haven’t seen a lot of talk abt her. I loved her, esp in season 1, which is also my fav season cuz after that I feel like things started to make less and less sense, lmao. I understand her descent into villainy (mostly, but why does she start to hate Gwen so quickly? feel like that could’ve been handled better) but I would’ve loved to see some solidarity between her and merlin!!!!!

hi there! :D

so, i LOVE morgana. most of what i’ve said about her has been in the tags of gifsets that are now scattered haphazardly around my blog; i don’t think there are larger pieces yet besides my finale round-up (urgh lol), and most of that is just a function of time - i can’t possibly write expansive tracts of meta about every single merlin thing i love, because i love the whole show; i’d never leave my computer again. i generally sit down to write long essays about whatever grabs my mind at a particular moment, even though there are a bazillion other things out there i love just as much. XD

but with morgana, i also feel like part of the reason i haven’t written much about her is because up until three and a half weeks ago (....oh my god, was it THREE AND A HALF WEEKs??? IT FEELS LIKE A YEAR) i hadn’t even finished the series yet, and the whole time i was watching this show i was sort of...waiting to see whether they would finally tie her arc together. i didn’t feel like i could say too much about what was happening with her, because my evaluation of her arc was going to depend on where the writers finally chose to take it and whether they brought it to the place i thought it needed to go.

and...they didn’t, obviously, which is what i sort of suspected would happen, though i was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt all the way up until the end, because i don’t believe they ever wrote themselves into a corner with her. there were things they could have handled with more depth, definitely, but i do not believe that they ever dug themselves into a hole they couldn’t climb out of.

i. what happened to you, morgana

essentially my opinion (just mine; nobody else is obligated to share it) of morgana is this: that the series ended before her arc was over.

to me, season 5 was the nadir in our characters’ journeys. they had reached their lowest point, their...“darkest hour,” to quote the show itself. and in many familiar storytelling formats (the ones that have the most in common with bbc merlin, at least), we take our characters to a moment where they hit rock bottom, where everything is going wrong and things seem hopeless, and then we light a spark under their butts that starts the process where they fight their way out of it. the nadir isn’t the endpoint of the curve; it’s the point where characters start climbing their long, slow way out of the pit. it’s what they have to overcome in order to earn their eventual triumphant ending.

to me, season 5 was that nadir, for morgana and everyone else. i never would have imagined season 5 to be the final season of the show, if i hadn’t known it was beforehand. i would have read season 5 as the show’s ‘empire strikes back’ moment. the episode that ends with our team losing, but with a whole other episode remaining where they can fight to Make It Right.

i view merlin bbc as tantamount to a cancelled tv show, to be honest. i know that’s not necessarily what happened (though it does feel pretty weird that they officially announced S5 would be the final season only four weeks before the finale was about to air?? very bizarre), but regardless of the actual behind-the-scenes-whatever, the fact of the matter is that for me, the series doesn’t end. it stops. and those two things are not the same.

this is particularly relevant to morgana because, as you said, there are aspects of her character arc that weren’t handled as deftly as they could have been, but if the show had brought morgana’s arc to the place where it felt like they were going in 5.09, they could have rescued so much of what came before.

to get into more detail -

i think the biggest issue with morgana’s arc for me isn’t so much what she does, it’s what we’re not shown as she does it.

i fully believe that morgana would eventually start working to ensure uther’s downfall. (obviously. she’s been presented as the voice of moral authority on this show since episode one, and there’s no reason to believe that she wouldn’t ultimately start rebelling against the king’s oppressive policies.) i believe that she would reject arthur, eventually. and i believe that she would reject gwen, too. but i don’t believe the show illustrates enough how painful this would be for her, or how conflicted it would make her feel.

and again, as i said, there are my own personal opinions, couched in...some personal experience with certain kinds of family conflict - but i do understand where morgana’s bitterness toward arthur and gwen comes from. arthur, for all that he’s “a better man than [his] father,” never fully breaks with uther the way morgana does. he has his own little rebellions, yes, but ultimately he always falls in line. he tolerates his father’s actions even if he doesn’t necessarily agree with them, and he continues to support uther even after uther is revealed to have lied about being morgana’s illegitimate father. and because of this tacit acceptance of uther’s poor behavior, arthur reaps benefits and privileges galore. morgana is cast out with nothing, whereas arthur, who didn’t even take a stand for justice, wants for nothing. arthur is sitting pretty on the throne of camelot because he continued to bestow his honor and respect upon a man who deserved neither of those things, because he chose the villain of the series over his sister, even knowing what uther did to her. and that’s gutting, for her. he betrayed her.

(and there are things to be said on arthur’s end of this, too, of course - morgana doesn’t ever confide in him; she doesn’t come to him for help or give him a chance to even be informed about what happened to her before she jumps into invading camelot and dethroning uther - so for arthur, her sudden turnaround comes as a total shock, and HE feels betrayed, like he has no choice but to fight her - i mean, it’s just a big mess.)

but i understand why she hates him. he continues to stand with a man who did demonstrable evil, despite the harm that was specifically done to morgana herself. and by shutting up and letting atrocities be committed in front of him, arthur escapes the harm that morgana suffers for speaking up. i understand why morgana is so bitter about it.

and gwen is a very similar situation - from morgana’s point of view, gwen is playing the arthur to arthur’s uther. gwen sides with arthur over morgana, despite knowing full well that arthur’s policies harm people with magic. gwen abandons morgana for her love interest, and for morgana that’s just like - “why would you do that? i was your friend before he ever cared about you, i loved you before he ever did - don’t you see the evil he’s perpetuating? don’t you care what he does to people like me?”

that’s why morgana tells merlin, “don’t think i don’t understand loyalty just because i’ve got no one left to be loyal to.” she feels like everybody who supposedly cared for her ultimately dumped her because her situation interfered with their comfortable, morally uncomplicated lives. they weren’t willing to acknowledge what was done to her, and they stuck by the man responsible for it, and it seems incomprehensible to her, that they would make that choice, when his misdeeds are known and out in the open. i can’t blame her for wanting to raze the city to the ground.

HOWEVER.

while i believe that all these things are completely plausible, i don’t believe that the series shows us appropriately how these things would be tearing morgana apart inside, underneath the rage and the armored front of ‘you brought this on yourself, so burn in hell, i don’t care.’

there are moments where the show gets it right. when morgana wakes up after uther dies and says that she felt his pain - it’s not presented as gloating; she’s - almost confused. uncertain. like she doesn’t know what she feels. when she confronts arthur at the end of season 4 (i thought we were friends/as did i) there’s real pain under the surface there. when they confront each other at the beginning of season 5, too (what happened to you, morgana/i grew up) - you can feel the undercurrent of something deeper there, too. and that moment with mordred in 5.09, when he appeals to her humanity (i hope one day you will find the love and compassion which used to fill your heart) - that is an amazing scene. the show absolutely nails that moment. morgana hesitates. you can see the grief and the - the conflict written all over her face. it’s perfect. it’s exactly the turn i would have expected morgana’s arc to be taking, at that time in the series.

but then the show just stopped. and without taking morgana’s arc further - without following it through all the way to its conclusion - there’s never any resolution to all the ways the show dropped the ball earlier. all the moments where morgana appears to be just...evil-smirking her way through her revenge, the way she suddenly seems to have no feelings for gwen whatsoever, the utterly lost opportunity that was the “enchanted gwen” arc (which could have been such a powerful exploration of their broken relationship) - all those could have eventually made sense and fit into a narrative where morgana’s conflicted feelings finally begin to escape the stranglehold in which she has them choked, where we start to see the pain of these destroyed relationships rising to the surface.

i can understand how morgana would just - shut off her feelings about these people. she had to close her heart to them - the alternative would have been too painful. but underneath - we know it wouldn’t be that easy. we know it eats at her. and it’s just - so incredibly frustrating that the series was starting to go there - the moment with mordred in 5.09 feels like the beginning of morgana’s big crisis of faith - and then the show just Stops.

so the thing about morgana for me is that, like you said, the show does drop the ball on illustrating her quick descent into evil-villain territory, and they especially drop the ball on her break with gwen, but all of it could have been salvaged, if they had committed to following her arc all the way through to its conclusion. instead they chose to kill her (and everybody else, lol) just as her deep-rooted internal conflicts were finally starting to rise to the surface.

ii. we can find another way/there is no other way (aka the merlin problem)

i’ll say right up front that anything i say here is, as always, just my personal interpretation of things. this is not necessarily the One True Way this show is meant to be understood; it’s just my own preferred read.

i have definitely seen some things in my brief foray into internet fandom that are sort of...piling on merlin for abandoning morgana or “gaslighting” her, most of which seem to be centered around the beginning of episode 2.03, which is weird to me, because the whole point of that episode is that merlin does help morgana, in the end - he’s the one who doesn’t gaslight her. he defies gaius and takes her to the druids, specifically so they can tell her yes, she does have magic. he tries to distract the attacking knights in order to enable morgana to escape with the druids permanently, like she wants. and when the attempt fails, and they’re brought back to camelot, he comes to morgana’s chambers specifically to check on her and to assure her that he won’t reveal her secret to anyone, and she’s grateful for this - she thanks him, she’s appreciative of everything he did for her, she feels comforted to know the truth and to know that someone else knows it, too. this episode ends with their relationship at a high point - it’s overwhelmingly positive, and it doesn’t take a nosedive until 1.12, when morgana gets in way over her head and merlin thinks she’s trying to murder them all. (and even in that episode, it’s worth it to note, merlin is still covering for her magic in front of arthur, giving her chances.)

(and obviously also, of course, the end of that particular situation gets Real Bad Real Fast, which could be a whole post in and of itself, so let’s stay focused on the earlier eps, for now.)

the criticism of merlin in those earlier episodes seems to stem solely from the fact that he doesn’t out himself to morgana, which i can understand - i mean, i like the idea of a ‘merlin+morgana secret magic squad’ AU as much as anyone - but i’ll be honest and say that nowadays, i’m not quite as willing to condemn him for it as i might have been on my first viewing.

i’m not willing to condemn him for it at all, actually.

(and again - as i said, these are my own opinions! everybody else is welcome to have different opinions! we all engage with media differently, and there isn’t a right or wrong way to approach this situation, just whichever way feels best to you.)

so, for me, i’m not interested anymore in telling merlin that he should have revealed himself to anyone, at that point in the story. it would be different if he had been like - continuing to tell morgana ‘oh, no, you don’t have magic, don’t be crazy,’ or if he had been pretending to hate magic like everyone else so he could blend in, but he doesn’t do that, at the end of the episode. he sends her to the druids. he chases after her when he realizes she's in danger. he openly acknowledges her magic, he supports her in having it, he makes sure she knows she has nothing to fear from him. by the end of 2.03, he’s gone to great lengths to help her; he’s already made certain that she knows he’s on her side and that she can trust him. she clearly knows that he accepts her and that he supports her - those are his responsibilities to her as a fellow human and as a friend, and those are exactly the responsibilities he makes sure to fulfill. she knows her secret is safe with him.

now - whether or not merlin feels safe enough to out himself, after making sure morgana knows he accepts and supports her, is his own business.

i think there are a number of reasons why it wouldn’t be fair for me to criticize merlin for continuing to conceal his secret, the first of which is something i already mentioned in another piece - that a marginalized person’s first responsibility is to their own safety, when forced into hiding under oppressive social conditions. merlin isn’t obligated to reveal himself for anybody. he’s not obligated to put himself in danger out of some kind of...responsibility to the community. (not at this point, anyway. it gets more complicated later, as merlin becomes more powerful, which i also address in that other piece, but that’s all in the future for him and not relevant at this moment.)

i think it would be easy for me to forget that merlin isn’t safe, in the early seasons. we’re so used to thinking of merlin as ‘the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth,’ because that’s what we keep being told he’s going to become, but again, that’s all so far in the future for him. merlin in the early seasons can do some things with his abilities, but not consistently, and not to the level where we can reasonably expect him to resist the entirety of camelot’s army, if they were to come for him. merlin is in real danger, and he’s not evil for being unwilling to share a secret about himself that would ensure his death, if it somehow got back to the wrong people.

second - i don’t think it would be fair for me to discount merlin’s personal history, either. merlin’s life didn’t start in camelot, and he hasn’t even been in camelot for all that long, comparatively, by the time we get to S2. season one takes place over a few months, starting in either spring or summer and ending in the fall (after the referenced harvest in 1.10/1.11, but before winter sets in). the weather is nice by time season 2 starts, so we can probably assume that S2 takes place once winter has passed (although, it’s technically possible that S2 takes place over the same autumn as S1, I guess...but it’s not made clear to us, timeline-wise.) either way, we just really have to remember that merlin’s stay in camelot by the time we reach 2.03 is still this blip compared to the rest of his life.

it would be very easy for me to say that merlin should have told morgana, that there’s no way she would ever have given him up - and i probably would have said that very thing, after the first time i watched the show - but like - nowadays, i really think i have to step back from that certainty and be a little more gentle. we say we “know” that morgana wouldn’t have willingly betrayed merlin’s secret at that point, and sure, i agree, that’s probably true - but does merlin know that?

of course not!

i think he hopes that. i think he would dearly like to believe that. i also think merlin grew up in a situation where he couldn’t fully trust even the people he’d known all his life, with two (vital!!!) exceptions, and he has been in camelot with a bunch of brand-new people for less than a year, and he can’t be certain of them, however much he wants to be. (and that’s not even considering the possibility of accidental betrayals, or coerced ones - remember, the witchfinder shows up in S2 also, as just one example.)

remember that exchange merlin has with freya, later this season?

“you can’t always trust people.”

“i know. that’s why i left home.”

merlin is not used to showing himself to people. he has been taught all his life to NEVER, EVER show himself to anybody. everyone in camelot who finds out about his magic finds out either by accident (like gaius or lancelot), or necessity (like freya and gilli - though gilli is interesting, because i think merlin’s decisions there are motivated precisely by the choices he didn’t make with morgana - which i’ll go into more later).

in twenty-odd years, merlin has only ever told one person about his magic. and even that generous assumption requires a little bit of inferencing for us to determine, though i think it’s likely enough, if not confirmable.

(i am, in case it’s unclear, referencing 1.10, when merlin is explaining to will why hunith sent him away to camelot: “when she found out you knew - she was so angry.” that, to me, has always been a signifier that merlin told will about his magic, as opposed to will finding out by coincidence. i know there are a lot of headcanons floating around out there about various...accidental situations that may have occurred which forced merlin to reveal his magic in front of will, and those are all obviously totally fun to play with, but after hearing this particular line - i never understood that to be the case, to be honest. we’ve seen hunith enough to have a pretty solid understanding of her character. she and merlin are always easy and gentle together, she’s so kind and calm and thoughtful - i can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have understood, if there had been some kind of accident that forced merlin’s hand. she’d be just as afraid for his future safety, of course, and she would have wished he’d told her right away, but she wouldn’t have been “so angry.”

...she might, however, have been “so angry” if she’d found out that merlin had specifically undermined every sacrifice she’d ever made to keep him safe/ignored every single one of her warnings/rejected every cautious thing she’d been telling him for his entire life and TOLD somebody about his magic when it wasn’t remotely necessary. that’s the only scenario i can imagine that would prompt merlin to say “she was SO angry” in that half-awed, half-intimidated tone, with that little headshake, like it was such a singular event, like it’s still formidable for him to remember.)

so anyway, that said - it’s too easy for me to say ‘he should have told morgana/gwaine/gwen etc; they would never have turned on him,’ as if it would have been such a simple thing for him to do, as if there were no dangers associated with their knowledge even if they would never have willingly given him up, as if he was refusing to do it because he didn’t want to, or because his fears were overblown, or because he was foolish for thinking they would ever hate him for his gifts. i think that really minimizes the reality of his struggle, and the danger of his situation. without the pressure of some crisis to force his hand, merlin has only ever willingly revealed himself to one person. that person is dead. that person died specifically ensuring that merlin could stay safe and hidden from the rest of the world, morgana included - merlin’s continued secrecy is a gift that was bought at an impossibly high price, and it’s not simple for him to contemplate squandering it, especially with no guarantee that things will turn out okay.

because there IS no guarantee that things will turn out okay! a lot of the “merlin should have told morgana” online talk centers around the idea that knowing about merlin’s magic would have kept morgana from feeling alone/betrayed, thus preventing her from turning to the “evil” methods she uses later, but again, i don’t think we actually know that at all. solidarity between merlin and morgana would have been a nice thing, definitely; i’d like to see that too, but i don’t think the fact that she and merlin are both magic-users would have guaranteed harmony between them. merlin and gilli are both magic-users, too, and merlin expects this to be enough to convince gilli to “see the light,” but the fact of the matter is that merlin and gilli just have very different ideas about what it means to do the right thing. merlin thinks it means biding his time and waiting for change to come from the top (because he’s been TOLD by greater powers that this is the right course of action, of course; let’s note again that merlin’s situation is extremely complicated) whereas gilli thinks that doing things merlin’s way makes merlin complicit with an unjust regime. gilli says ‘i shouldn’t haven’t to wait for someone else to give me my rights. i’m going to take them myself.’

the fact that merlin and gilli share a bond as magic-users doesn’t protect them from an ideological divide that puts them on different sides of the same struggle. i’m not sure that merlin and morgana wouldn’t have still ended up in the same situation, eventually, if merlin had chosen to out himself to her - but doing so would certainly have made him a thousand times more vulnerable to attack.

third - it’s also important to remember that if we’re going to hold merlin to this rigid ‘he should have told morgana everything/confided in her/trusted her at the expense of possibly his own life despite the fact that she exists at the completely opposite end of a rigid social hierarchy as him and he’s known her for less than a year’ then maybe we ought to raise the bar for morgana, as well. morgana is very clearly shown to trust and appreciate merlin at the end of 2.03, but by 2.11, when alvarr and mordred show up and convince her to steal the crystal of neahtid, she doesn’t hesitate or come to merlin at all, despite the fact that we never see him do anything to lose her trust between then and now. she never asks him for help, even when she’s uncertain about alvarr’s methods, and that leaves merlin in the dark, only privy to confusing images of her sneaking around and acting suspicious. and even with that, merlin doesn’t condemn her for what she does, the same way he doesn’t blame her when she tries to kill uther in 1.12 - he helps arthur retrieve the crystal, but he doesn’t give morgana up. and he doesn’t hold any kind of grudge, either - in the next episode, merlin doesn’t even suspect her, at first - he thinks it must be her magic protecting her; he doesn’t even consider the idea that she has anything to do with the illness, not until kilgharrah tells him.

and even after that, he STILL covers for her in front of arthur, and he gives her a chance to come clean to him - but she doesn’t take it.

i’m not condemning her for that - i get why she would be afraid to admit to such a big mess - she was in way over her head and didn’t know what to do. but if we’re going to cut morgana this much slack and accept her fears as a valid enough reason to block a potential moment of connection, then we have to accept that merlin’s fears were valid, too - morgana’s descent into “villainy” was not something we can pin solely on merlin’s already overburdened shoulders. the end of season 2 was not some kind of one-way failure.

in summary: merlin and morgana were trapped in an impossible situation. they were both victims of the same oppressive regime, and both of them had very real, very dangerous obstacles to letting themselves trust in and reach out to others, and i think pitting them against each other while forgetting who the real villain was is unfair to them both.

also, a brief postscript: circling back to the first section of this piece, where i talked about how season 5 just stopped before anyone’s arc was finished - merlin and morgana could have had so much more, if we’d gotten another season. their relationship is really in the pits, by season 5, but there is this deleted scene where arthur is reflecting on what happened to morgana and blaming himself, and merlin says arthur shouldn’t take the blame, that “there were others better placed to help morgana” (implicating, of course, himself) and that was SUCH a jumping off point for their story to have continued. merlin wanted to do better by her. he blamed himself for what happened to her. and morgana, for her part, was starting to question herself, as we saw during her confrontation with mordred in 5.09.

there were places for this relationship to go. it wasn’t a lost cause. but the writers decided that it made more sense to just...eliminate everybody at the exact moment when things were poised to possibly change.

the story wasn’t over at the end of season 5. but the show was, and i am always going to regret those many lost opportunities.

#the once and future slowburn #meta #replies #long post

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junkyard-trash-blog · 5 years ago

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Another weird vivid dream with some sleep paralysis thrown in halfway through the dream. In the dream, it jumps to several different scenes which I find really weird because there’s only ever maybe one or two scene jump in any of my dreams.

Scene 1

Information: I’m in a haunted residence with my team of paranormal investigators - there’s four of us total: two guys, a girl, and me (I don’t know if I’m male or female). We’re all adults in our late twenties. The residence is three stories + basement and it’s a castle-like residence made of stone (it actually appears later on). There’s a green filter over my eyesight as though my eyes are like night-vision cameras.

We’re just doing our normal investigation thing when some weird shit starts happening - growling, voices, dark shadow, one guy gets scratched. We run down the three levels of stairs, this being spiral at the time, because the one dude is freaking out and telling us to run.

I enter the basement and the scene shifts suddenly.

Scene 2

Information: My eyesight has a kind of black and white grainy filter except some things are in color. I feel younger than before, like I’m a teenager. The basement is filled with a bunch of cages either stacked on top of each other in the center of the room or on tables lining the walls. Some cages have critters in them: one a raccoon, another a cat, a couple rabbits, and several birds that are crosses between cockatiels and parrots.

I walk through the room in a funk and for some reason my only thought is about where my laundry basket is because I need to wash my clothes. I see a man near the cages on the right side of the room that is supposed to be my uncle but he looks...off (I can’t say what about him looks weird, it was more his aura or something? idk, he’s just...off...somehow).

I ask him if he’s seen my laundry basket while staring at a raccoon in a cage nearby. He looks at me and starts speaking in tongues, then he opens a cage and takes out a dark calico-ish cat with glowing golden eyes (like in BBC’s Merlin) (the cat is in color instead of black and white).

Uncle: Watch over this beast.

Me: *unsure, taking the cat* oh...kay?

*the cat squirms a bit in my hands*

Uncle: It’s important. Watch over it. Treat it well. Promise me. *stares me down and his eyes are pitch black like demon’s eyes, this doesn’t seem to bother me*

Me: Okay, I’ll watch over it.

The cat settles in my arms and starts sucking my thumb when I tell my uncle that I’ll watch over it. I ask him again about my laundry while follow him to the left side of the room, this is where I see the bird cages.

I look into the four bird cages there while my uncle rambles in tongues in the background. There’s five smaller birds in one, three small/medium-sized birds in another, two medium/large-sized birds in a third, and another small/medium-sized birds in a fourth cage. The birds (cockatiel-parrot hybrids) are all in color instead of black and white.

My uncle enters my field of vision, he mentions rats and the scene shifts.

Scene 3

Information: The world around me is in normal colors. I am a younger teen, maybe 13-15, and I’m in a pet store with a man who’s supposed to be my father but he looks odd too (again, can’t say exactly how he looks odd, but he does; and again, I think it’s his aura or something)

I follow my father around while he talks about pets, he’s going to buy me any pet I want. I tell him that I want two rats and he says okay, but we look at some other animals first. In an open section of the store are two older teen girls wanting to get married (they look like the girls from Hayley Kiyoko’s “Girls Like Girls” music video). They’re talking about how the priest nor their guests would ever show because they’re two girls in love and everyone’s homophobic.

I talk to my father about the different kinds of rats and he nods along - he doesn’t really understand. We run into an employee - a young black woman in an orange-yellow uniform with red suspenders and khakis. I tell her what I want for my pet rats - I want something like a double rex rat, two of the same gender so they won’t breed.

She leads us right over to the rodent section - there’s three whole rows of ten tanks/cages with rats and mice, on the ends are bigger pens for a few giant guinea pigs (and by giant, I mean like the size of a Yorkshire terrier). She shows us the rats and I see two curly-haired ones that I like, both young. One is a toasted marshmallow color and the other is a silvery-grey color with a white belly.

I decide these are the two that I want, the lady says she nicknamed them [demonic scramble] and [demonic scramble] (the scramble means that whatever is said is in another language, the demonic part means that it sounds demonic).

She packages the rats up for me. My father pays for everything: rats, cage, food, bedding, and supplies. We start to leave and I can hear a commotion in the background that involves the two girls, the scene shifts as I’m looking back.

Scene 4

Information: I’m maybe 13-14 years old and I’m with my family: my father (looks a bit like Zak Baggins but with a mustache), my mother (who’s face is blurred out), and my older sister. There’s supposed to be one other, my eldest sister, but she’s missing. My middle sister is a popular YouTuber who goes by the name “Jim”.

We’re sitting in the stands of a ballpark, my father is angry and yelling about something (it may have to do with gay/lesbian relationships) while my mother tries to calm him down. He storms off.

My middle sister walks down the stairs (she had gone to the bathroom and missed dad’s outburst), people are screaming around her about “Jim!” because they recognize her from her YouTube channel. Her hair is short with a few long thin braids (I think she cut her hair while in the bathroom but it could have been before, idk) and she’s wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a dark brown-grey t-shirt, and cargo shorts.

She smiles at her fans as she passes then stops in front of me and mom.

Sibling: I’m sorry, Mama, but this is who I really am. My name is Jim and I’m your son. If you can’t accept that, well -

*Mom hugs him, cutting him off*

Mom: It’s okay, honey. I love you whether you’re a boy or girl. I’m just glad that’s you’re finally on the path to finding out who you truly are.

The scene shifts after our mother says this.

Scene 5

Information: I’m a child of 6-7 years old and I’m sitting in the backseat of a small car between my older sisters (this is before the middle one joins YouTube). Dad is driving and Mom is in the front passenger seat.

Mom and Dad are talking about having to leave because of some guy. I tune them out as I look back at our house - it’s a big three-story stone house. When I look at it, it looks abandoned and decrepit, there’s vines going up the sides, windows are boarded, and there’s a couple doors missing.

The house isn’t supposed to look like that yet (it’s the same house from the first scene that me and my team are investigating). I turn to my parents to tell them this and the scene changes.

Scene 6

Information: I’m an older kid of 11-12 years old. The family has stopped to stretch for a moment before we continue our journey to wherever we’re going - Mom and Dad are near the car, my eldest sister is missing, my middle sister is on the train station platform, and I’m standing near her on the ground. The area in front of me has an old train station platform and a small white stone building with a caving roof, one window hole on the side, and a doorway with no door.

Me and my middle sister are arguing but the words are scrambled to my ears. I do have the feeling that it’s about having to move again because she did something that she wasn’t supposed to do. (it feels like we move around a lot)

The scene quickly changes. (this is weird because it’s such a quick scene, like it was played in fast-forward)

Scene 7

(I wake up briefly here but immediately slip back into unconsciousness, this is also where I believe the sleep paralysis begins though I’m unsure of that)

Information: I’m 9-10 years old and I’m standing behind a white stone building. Up a small grassy hill is a store called femmel duol (it’s supposed to be all-lowercase. it’s sign is: a yellow and red half-flower on top of a shield). Outside femmel duol, in the parking lot, is a black guy in a sequined maroon suit (like Elvis’ white suit but maroon), he has a microphone and he’s singing about “Baby Sugar Ray”.

I’m scared of the guy singing so I run around the building behind me to get away. I quickly find myself in front of a mechanic shop called “Chuck’s Wood Stock Chop Shop” I’m all alone and I know that I’m not supposed to be here - I’m supposed to be with my friends, my paranormal investigation team, and I’m supposed to be an adult.

I’m starting to freak out because I’m a child in an unknown area. I find a cellphone, a flip phone that I was given in case of emergencies, and I call my dad on instinct.

Dad: Sweetie? Honey, where are you?

Me: I don’t know, Daddy, I don’t know where I’m at. Where’s Mom? I have to speak to Mom. Where is she?

Dad: It’s okay, Honey, Mama’s here. She’s a bit preoccupied, she went into one of her [scrambled words] and is speaking in tongues. Can you see a sign or any marker of where you are?

*I look around and see a homemade sign: there’s two guys on a motorcycle holding up something - the something is missing; there’s a name above them*

Me: W-Wood Stock, Chuck’s Wood, Stop Shop, Stock Wood *I’m struggling with the words and getting them turned around even though the words on the sign clearly say: Chuck’s Wood Stock Chop Shop*

Dad: Describe it. Does it have Chris Angel with Death on it? (idk why he says this but he does)

Me: It has two guys on a motorcycle.

Dad: Are they holding a scythe with Death’s Skull on it?

Me: I...I don’t know. Part of the sign is missing. Where’s mom?

Dad: Is it called “Chuck’s Wood Stock Chop Shop”?

Me: *I nod then remember we’re on the phone* uh-huh

Dad: We’re on our way. Just wait there, sweetie.

Me: Okay, Daddy

I hang up the phone and wait inside in a little hallway. In the next room are four biker guys (one may actually be a female but it’s hard to tell) and they’re arguing about thieves - someone stole part of their sign.

Suddenly my father is there and so is my eldest sister. The middle sister is still in the car with our mother (this is before my middle sister becomes famous on YouTube and before she realizes she’s trans). I tell my eldest sister that I need to speak to mom but she doesn’t listen.

Me: Where’s Mom? I need to talk to her.

Sister: She’s a little busy right now. She’s [scramble]. You can’t talk to her.

Me: It’s important.

Dad: [scrambled sister’s name] Go check on your Mother, see if she’s okay.

Sister: All right, Dad. *she leaves the small hallway and I follow her* Just stay back, okay? Stay out of my way. *the “stay out of my way” is said in a gentle tone, not menacing like one would normally say it*

Me: Okay

*We go out behind the building and find Mom standing there looking odd and staring at the sky. She’s speaking in tongues*

Sister: Just stay right here, I’m gonna talk to her.

Me: But I need to talk to Mom. It’s important.

Sister: *insistent* Stay right here. You can talk to her in a minute.

Me: *sighs* Fine

*Sister walks up to Mom*

End

The scene is abruptly cut off and I wake up because of my phone alarm. It takes me a minute to move because I’m still in that paralysis state. It’s a lot easier to get my body to move this time which is odd because it normally takes me awhile to get out of the state, but this time it only took a minute or so for me to be able to move.

I just found the dream really odd because of all the scene jumps. As I said above, there’s usually/maybe only one or two jumps in a dream, but this had seven scenes total which I don’t think has ever happened in my dreams before.

#weird dreams #vivid dreams #sleep paralysis #dreams

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chewbaccasbutthole · 5 years ago

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When I was 18 I got a tattoo that said “the love that binds is is more important than the power we wield” it was a quote from bbcs merlin and I loved it but didn’t really understand it then. I really wanted a tattoo. I began to resent it when my dad questioned me why I got a tattoo and if it was because I had a crush on my friends brother who took me to get it.

At 20 I lost my virginity for no significance other than to lose it. I sadly stared at my reflection in the mirror as I got out of a strangers shower. My tears mixed with the water. I stared at the tattoo on my collarbone and wanted to wipe it away. I couldn’t. I didn’t believe in love. I sadly let him drive me home with glazed over eyes. “I’m a Virgin.” I said it as if in disbelief of what just happened. It fell from my lips so softly and terrified. Something he didn’t believe when he picked me up or roughly shoved himself inside me.

“You’re not anymore.”

A few weeks following I was still 20 and I became desperate and hungry to feel...love. I forgot about the tattoo. It was like I erased it from my mind and stopped looking to it with pain in my heart. I became empty. I slept with anyone I thought was nice. Atleast I was loved for one night. Even if it was just one night. Atleast it would give me some semblance of whole.

By 21 I met Zach.

I felt like maybe this was my chance. I was hesitant and he was kind. He looked at me with adoration. Persistent and sure of what he wanted. I was beautiful to him but also very broken. I didn’t see what he saw but he looked at me as if I was a rose. I loved him as much as I could let myself. I still felt empty. But it was company and I instantly loved him, even if there was the lacking word of in somewhere in there. In love.

I let my guard down. Just for a bit.

When his brother gave me the news of his death I dropped to my knees and openly sobbed. My whole word crumbled. I lost him.

He was the first time I came to being close.

that tattoo remained resented. I hated love. I began to fear it. I remember my eyes started to show it. Always a bit wet and maybe a bit wider in fear. Alert and on guard.

I hated love but I still sought it with desperation as if was a last hope.

I met Lyrik in the aftermath. He pulled me out of a broken and empty apartment where there was nothing but white walls and quiet. His family took me in and I did my best to love him until I realized I never was in love at all. My smile never quite met the eyes and I my heart never became unguarded.

I would run my fingertips across the black lettering and wonder what the words even meant. Nothing. Nothing at all.

I met Martin at 25. Instant enamorment. I never kissed someone and meant it. I remember closing my eyes and feeling home. Like aha! I found it. I pulled away a little too quick and stared between him and Jeremy. We all agreed to do this. A polyamorous thing.

“What do you want?” I didn’t know. I remember shivering and I remember asking Martin to leave. I remember walking him to his car and almost pleading, for the first time with sincerity for someone to stay. It was with the eyes, the body language. He didn’t. Of course he didn’t. You can’t expect someone to read you. He left and I crawled into bed and I felt violated. I didn’t know why at the time. But he was touching up on something I never felt and didn’t like.

I numbed it. Tried to talk to others with disinterest. Tried to continue what I had with Jeremy. But I was numb and unhappy.

He reached out again on a dating website I used. I remember hesitating. I always hesitated. I wished I didn’t. Eventually after a lot of coaxing I crumbled.

And suddenly I was with someone new. A messy someone to my even messier something. He hurt me and I hurt him even more. When it was good it was good. Beautiful and all encompassing. When it was bad I wanted to run like a scared little girl into hiding.

I was hurt. Lost something inside me, a life I created and always wanted. Gone into bloody tissue. I reached a final straw.

I went back to Jeremy in my grief.

And Martin tried to coax me back in.

“Just one last time.”

But I ran.

“I’ll never forgive you”

I didn’t think I could either.

I would throw up, I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and the inky black words on my chest were haunting me.

He hated me and he earned it.

And I hated him right back until I realized I don’t.

I really loved and love him. But I fucked up. And I can’t take it back. And that’s also ok. I never fell in love with someone. It’s a rare thing for me. Yesterday I screamed at the top of my lungs how I hated him and I hated Jeremy and I hated the way I was treated and I hate everything.

But the only thing I hate is myself.

When the quiet fell and the tears were done falling I realized I shouldn’t. What did I ever do to deserve to hate myself so strongly? That I subjected myself to this? To suffering and torture and abuse?

I looked at that tattoo for the first time in a good 5 years.

“The love that binds is more important than the power we wield.”

And I get it now.

The love for myself and the love that I lacked and the lack of empathy for me is more important than the power of anger and destruction and hatred and...

It’s more important to love yourself than to destroy yourself.

It’s more important to love someone than it is to hate them and destroy them out of fear.

That’s all I ever did.

#personal

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rocknvaughn · 8 years ago

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Transcript of the new Colin Morgan Interview

Colin Morgan is a man of many talents. Enigmatic performer. Charming Ulsterman. Method actor. Qualities that have underpinned his ability to reinvent himself at every turn. Since bursting onto the scene over a decade ago, Colin has transported us back to the Middle Ages, explored the meaning of life as a twenty-first century android, and broken a few hearts as a troubled Victorian shrink. Gee Wong talks to the rising star about the intensity of the roles he plays, his way with accents and why he’s giving social media the cold shoulder.

Arranging an interview with Colin Morgan is a lesson in timing. Given that his brisk schedule and unforeseen events have thwarted our previously arranged powwows, it’s a relief when the phone eventually whirrs into life. He introduces himself in his deep loquacious Ulster drawl and all is forgiven. “I’m glad we’ve finally got the chance to talk, there’s been a lot of back and forth, hope everything is alright?” he says. The raw accent, while expected, is captivating to hear for the first time—largely because he’s a master at disguising those native vowels.

From the West End stage to television to the silver screen, the vocal gymnastics have been key to defining this award-winning actor’s march toward stardom. In fact, they often go hand in hand with the intense and angst-heavy roles he clearly relishes. “I couldn’t write down any specific reasons why I go for a part because it really is instinctive. It’s more of a feeling than a reason, you know what I mean?” he explains. “It’s like when you meet someone and you just click, but you don’t really know why, but you just do. It’s a bit like that. I’m meeting a character when I read it on the page and if it does something to me, it literally calls.” His confidence in an ability to single out roles is striking and the approach clearly works for him. “It has to be the only way. The scriptwriter, director and producer—theyre all on board because they’re passionate about a project and you’ve got to come in and respect there’s been a lot of hard work gone into the stage where they’re casting—these things can go on for years!” Auditions must be pretty intense then? “Yeah, I can feel it sometimes in auditions—if you can’t come in and deliver that level of what’s come before then you shouldn’t be there. You’ve got to love it.”

For his breakout performance—as the eponymous young wizard in the BBC’s fantasy drama Merlin—Colin owned an English accent so convincingly that his burgeoning fan base couldn’t quite believe he was from County Armagh. What’s his secret to cracking an accent? The answer is, of course, a lot of talent, practice and immersing himself in the role. “When I’m working on a character the voice comes first, or initially the way they move, it all influences each other,” he says. It’s a habit that’s seen him in good stead over the years. “Just like a runner training for a marathon, you need to do your training, listen to a lot of people, the way they talk and move, and imitate a lot because you’re working in the business of mimicry,” he admits. “It’s a case of muscle memory for me. I love accents, I love doing them, as many as I can really.”

He’s recently been back on the box—fine-tuning his Received Pronunciation English—in the supernatural period drama The Living and the Dead. It’s a darkly written role about grief and holding onto the past, with no shortage of terrifying apparitions to hammer home the message. What was it like returning to the fantasy genre after a few years away? “It’s weird because fantasy implies a story is lifted from reality. I don’t feel like I get affected by the genre because the character is just living their story,” he says. “For me, it’s all about the script and reaching into the character that I can inhabit.” The actor gave his all to the role, including staying in accent throughout filming. “I didn’t plan on it at all on the first day, but after we did our first scene it just stayed with me for the whole shoot. You’re in costume and even on your lunch break you’re still dressed as the character, you’ve still got the long hair and the beard,” he explains, laughing. “You still feel it—the person and the voice are just part of it.” So, in reality, not as odd as it sounds. “It’s just so much easier especially when you have a Northern Irish accent. To try and go from that to an English accent from 1894—they’re miles apart!”

Talking of his appearance, his fans set Twitter alight after the first episode. The reason? A sit-up-in-your-chair topless scene that let slip an ‘all growed up’ physique and, inevitably, a new-found pin-up status for the actor. It’s a far cry from his fresh-faced debut in Merlin at the tender age of 22. Nevertheless, the comments went right over his head—he shuns social media. “It’s just not me really. You have to want to do it,” he states without hesitation. “It’s an amazing medium for getting the word out for shows, promotion and for staying in contact, but there are a lot of negative sides as well.” Can he point out a few of the downsides? “When the words you want to say don’t have to be said face to face people tend to say a lot of stuff—that’s not something I think is healthy for an actor to be an open party to,” he adds. I get the impression he’s been burnt from personal experience and now views his privacy as sacrosanct. When pressed further, he confesses to a distaste for so-called ‘insta-stardom’ and all the baggage that comes with it. “The good stuff can make you arrogant, the bad stuff can stay with you forever,” he declares.

That said, don’t call him a technophobe. Although he doesn’t watch much television these days, he’s all for the BBC’s decision to simultaneously broadcast and stream his latest show. “It’s brilliant. It’s absolutely in keeping with how people are watching nowadays. When I do watch television, it’s on catch-up, Netflix and Amazon.” He does also venture online to shop and email. He has googled himself once—purely out of curiosity—which was enough to put him off for life. So, how does he receive feedback on his performances? “I never hear about it unless it’s mentioned to me. Fans show their support in many different ways. A lot of them write fan letters, which I think is much more in line with how I’m likely to respond.”

A low-fi solution indeed, but totally in keeping with Colin’s old-school, yet easygoing style. Not much fazes him: was turning 30 a big deal last year? “No, not really, weirdly. I can appreciate it’s one of those milestones in your life,” he states matter-of-factly before pausing and reflecting on intriguing new possibilities. “At the minute, I think I’m still on that younger side of the age bracket, but I’m looking forward to being an ageing actor and getting to play all those great Shakespearean roles as well.”

A busy year it certainly was. Having played the lead in the mystery drama Waiting for You, he returned for the second season of the UK sci-fi drama Humans. Apparently, there was tremendous pressure to live up to the first season, which was a surprise hit for Channel 4—its biggest show in 20 years. “It definitely went up in scale, much bigger, much faster, lots of new characters and more storylines,” he says of the production. “I think fans will have loved the direction it went in.” A third season looks like a shoo-in.

Then there was the closing chapter of The Fall. Over the course of the show’s story arc critics and audiences endured the stuff of nightmares as Gillian Anderson’s detective hunted sadistic serial killer Paul Spector, played by fellow Ulsterman Jamie Dornan. Colin joined the show in season two as enigmatic detective Tom Anderson and reveals it was equal parts tension and anticipation during the filming of the endgame. “A pure page-turner! I couldn’t wait to get the next page of the script and that says a lot about the writer’s skill,” he admits. What was it like working with Gillian? “Just brilliant. Gillian’s a consummate professional, such a joy to work with and she has a really good sense of humour. She had really heavy scenes, but she was just able to let go after filming.” What about Jamie? “Absolutely brilliant, he’s had global success and he’s exactly the same as when I first started working with him. He’s a real talent.”

If last year was good, then 2017 is set to be even better. He’s in final talks on a number of projects, including another film that he hopes will start shooting in the early summer. Meanwhile, he’s attracting considerable attention from across the Atlantic. “There are a lot of exciting dramas happening, and right now a lot of American things are coming through,” he says.

Talk turns to the day of his photo shoot, which I suspect might not have been the most enjoyable experience for the publicity-shy actor. “It was brilliant! The guys were so good! It was basically a group of people in a room with a camera having a bit of a laugh,” he volunteers, somewhat enthusiastically, before pausing as if to compose himself. After a few seconds he continues: “Obviously, in any of those situations it’s not a normal thing to be photographed, it’s not really second nature to me. So, anything that makes the whole experience relaxed, enjoyable and fun that’s the key, and the guys really did that for me.”

It’s apparent he draws a clear distinction between performing for his art and self-promotion—the later of which he accepts as part and parcel of his profession. “I think it’s important to divide the line between your professional and personal self,” he says. I press him further on how he finds the right balance between championing his work and maintaining a safe distance from media intrusion. “With so many shows being on TV there is a commitment in terms of publicity that wasn’t as strong as in the past. Yes, when you work on a job, it’s important that you’re proud of it and you want to support it. The other side of it is the nastier side, which can backfire on people.” A diplomatic answer tempered with his signature frankness.

It’s nearing the end of the interview, but his last remarks remind me of something he said at the outset that neatly sums up the actor’s perspective. “Whenever I did theatre, I’d go in, do the job, go home and trust that the work we had done was enough. We didn’t need anyone’s approval, disapproval or opinions.” In our current hashtag culture, it’s refreshing to hear someone completely unfazed by fame, while somehow still managing to wear their sensibilities so lightly.

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