#I can listen to a single song and suddenly I’m back in The Mindset

[singinbluebird]

Having a moment

[thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness]

GIGS No519 Interview Toshiya [Bass]

Despite the hidden gimmick elements in the new single “Oboro”, which brings to the fore “simplicity” and “clearness”, Toshiya’s bass sound has a strong presence. With his words, we are going to start the second half of the solo interviews.

“[Oboro] is a song that holds both DIR EN GREY’s essence and novelty. For me, rather than that uniqueness and novelty, I felt this is going to be the core song of the album.”

Notes before reading: This is Toshiya’s solo interview from GIGS No519 June issue released on April 27th. 

You can buy the magazine at Amazon Japan.  Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistakes or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) ----------------- *Toshiya’s interview comes after Kaoru’s, Die’s and an analysis of the latest gear, that’s why in the introduction of his interview the “second half” of the solo interviews is mentioned.* Text by Yukinobu Hasegawa Photos by Reishi Eguma. -You were already composing and arranging songs for the new album and from that, “Oboro” was first announced as a single. What kind of mindset did you have when you tried to move on to the next album from the previous one “The Insulated World”,released in 2018? T: At the beginning, I didn’t have any specific image of the album as a whole. -I think you want that (image) to appear naturally while you are doing the creation work. T: That’s right but as I feel like I’m always making songs, whenever I start, I only have the mindset of “let’s make something good”. -The songs you composed (from early stage) have not been released to the world yet but, what kind of songs did you make? T: Surprisingly, simple songs. Not very detailed. But I think it depends on the song. I started writing songs thinking I wanted to make something different from the previous DIR EN GREY, but there were some parts that seemed too different for me. So, I feel like I'm still searching for the direction of them. -Looking back at the various songs that you’ve made in the past, I feel like you tend to prefer an avant-garde* approach. So, I was a little surprised when you told me you were working on a simple song.

* Avant-garde is a tend for music that  sounds nothing like the music we're accustomed to, experimental, considered to be at the forefront of innovation. T: Ah, I see. But basically, I think I'm a simple person. I've made songs that feel avant-garde but it’s just that such songs were easy to be accepted/used (by the band). I don't know the specific reason, but I think it's probably because the range of the band will be expanded. However, many of the songs I make myself are very simple. -Even if you say "simple", I think people feel differently about it. For example, Shinya also says his drum playing is “simple" but it's actually very difficult.  How does that simplicity that you mentioned feel for you? T: That's right…..I'm wondering how to describe it, but to put it simply, it may not be something very DIR EN GREY-ish. I think many of the simple songs I make are like that. -What do you think that is “DIR EN GREY-ish”? T: Our band is probably "heavy" or "intense"…. Another things that is often said (about the band) is “complexity”, I think that’s the image of the band. With that in mind, the songs I make aren't very DIR EN GREY-ish. Of course, when I write a song, I'm aware of that. -Do you dare to make something that it’s far apart from those ideas? T: It’s the other way round. I’m not trying to do something close to that, but I’m like “I have to take it in the direction of DIR EN GREY a little more". But from that point on, I started thinking, "How about getting too close?”, "It's more interesting to be in a slightly different place." Well, I might just think those things on my own (laughs). -Are the avant-garde songs born from those thoughts? I think musical input and stimulation are also important when you are composing.  In 2020, we were in a situation in which you couldn’t do many public activities but, how did you get that input during that time? T: Basically, even with this corona situation, there are some things that haven’t changed much. If I had to say something, I can spend more time on composition and production as there are no tours or live performances. Regarding the input part, it seems to have changed, but I feel like it hasn't changed. Besides, I don’t think it’s something I’m conscious about so, I haven’t changed anything in my music because of Corona. -Last year in August, “Ochita koto no aru Sora” was released in a digital format but, I think this song has a complex pattern in the development of the next step. What was in your mind when you were arranging and recording this song? T: Riffs are also the main melody of the song so I basically listened to the guitar riffs and arranged it so I could put my own play in some parts. In terms of sound making, there isn’t much change. Making in a basic way the feeling of my favourite distortion, it feels like mixing various things there. -For the past few years, you've been actively experimenting with various bass effectors every time you record, but have you tried several of these in the "Ochita koto no aru Sora" recording? T: Basically, I don’t remember which one I used anymore (laughs), but the basic system hasn’t changed, the head is an ampeg cabinet from the 70s, I think it was SWR. In the recording of the previous album "The Insulated World" the bass I used was also a dingwall one. That bass can be used for almighty (pedal). *1.A bass cabinet is the box with the speaker.   2.Ampeg is a manufacturer best known for its bass amplifiers.   3.SWR Sound Corporation is a specialist manufacturer of bass guitar       amplifiers, preamps, speaker cabinets, and acoustic guitar amplifiers.  4.  Dingwall Designer Guitars is a  canadian manufacturer of bass guitars.  5.  Almightty is driver pedal for bass.

- “Ochita koto no aru Sora” was a song with a positive message. Did you find a new direction as a band giving shape to this song?

T: There might some different aspects now but at that time, it may not have changed. I don't think we can completely overlook that, so I can't say anything about it. However, “Ochita koto no aru Sora” itself was made completely to be a single. That's why there may be new things, but surprisingly, I have a strong sense of putting out what was inside us in that way. In what way is it the opposite? Does it feel “new”?

-There are various elements, but I feel that each one is like DIR EN GREY-ish. However, it resonates very much that the lyrics leads from a negative perspective to a positive one.

T: I see. Regarding the lyrics, I think it’s a continuation of the taste of other songs we’ve done so far, but I don’t know because I haven’t asked. However, although the flow of the lyrics are not the same in content, I felt like it was written from a close place.

-The song that follow this one is the new single “Oboro”. Kaoru wrote the original melody but, what was your impression when you first listened to it?

T: I don't think it's much different from the finished form in terms of feelings. The intro had this kind of atmosphere from the beginning. I think it's a song that holds both DIR EN GREY’s essence and newness. However, I personally felt that "this is the core song in the album" rather than being unique or new. As a result, “Oboro” became a single, but at first it wasn’t written with that purpose. We suddenly talked abour releasing a single and after that, as we all agreed that it was a good song for that, we decided to choose it as a single.

-From what part of the song did you feel that it was going to be the core of the album?

T: I felt that this ballad-type atmosphere and feeling really stands out in the album. Because of that, we decided to release it as a single, but we haven't released many singles like this, so I think it made a good change.

-The fact that you feel that  a ballad with a melody  it's going to be the core of the album….does that mean that the other songs are the opposite of it? It seems to be quite an atmosphere where this amazing song was born! (laughs)

T: Well, I can't say anything about that because not all of them have come out yet (laughs). However, it's easier to make a slightly up-tempo songs, so I wonder if there are many songs like that for now. Even if I actually make a song, I don't know if it will be included in the album, so I can't really say anything about the direction of the album or the feeling of the songs. However, "Ochita koto no aru Sora" was made to become a single, so there are a lot of parts of it that hit the target. And as for "Oboro", I felt that it was meant to be release as a single, but also that it was meant to be kept for the album.

-For example, do you change the arrangements and the bass approach if it's an album song or a single song?

T: Yes, it changes. It's completely different for me if is going to be a single or if it is going to be a song for the album. Even if I make  the original melody, it’s different on how much time it takes. Singles are harder to do. You can work more relaxed if it is a  the song for the album. For singles, I feel that the part I am aiming for as a bassist is very strong at the time of elaborating the arrangement.

“If you think that everyone has slowed down in many ways, I think you can start running again. I think it's better to act than to think. So, I'm looking forward to the future.”

-Did you do a lot of trial and error in your part when you made the bass arrangement for "Oboro"?

T: It’s really a minor part. It feels like the details are boiled down when it seems to be a bass phrase like that in a rough flow. The bass in the demo of the original song had many root-playing (basic) phrases so, how to elaborate them from there? what do to with the cadence?  However, “Oboro” has a bass line that snuggles up to the song, I think this phrase has the strongest awareness of song melody.

-While focusing on that sustain-based roots playing components, some bass phrase will come up when you are doing the arrangements but won’t turn out very showy. And when it comes to the ending of the song, it will show fierceness while increasing the distortion of the sound. I felt it was a carefully selected phrasing.

T: I think it’s easier to hear it at the ending of the song, but that distortion is actually there during the whole song. Not only the ending part is distorted but also the beginning. However, when all the instruments came together, I don’t think that distorted feeling could be properly heard. Even if it's distorted that much, surprisingly, it goes well easily. I usually have two patterns at the time of recording. For example, even if you use the same distortion effect, the distortion is applied with a little shallow sound like a hunting sound. So, this time, it was a way of finding what I felt comfortable with when it got mixed with the sound of the band.

-So the reason why you can’t hear that distortion in the first half or the middle of the song is because it got completely blended once the sound of the band got together?

T: That's right. I think there is a perception that if it is distorted, the sound will inevitably be drawn into it. However, if it's distorted that much, it gives a plump low feeling and you can see the phrase. It's simply because we don't stack as many guitars as we used to. Sometimes the sound of each instrument can be heard firmly, so the approach can be focused on what you want to hear. To put it simply, I think it's a big thing that the direction of the band has become simpler. So, in recent years, I think the balance of the band is very good at the time of put together each member’s part. I think that vocals are especially attractive in "Oboro".

-Kyo is very fast adding the lyrics, I’ve heard that he finished recording his part before the instruments  (recording) were done.

T: That's right. "Oboro" already had the vocals done at the stage of recording the bass. However, although he recorded it first, in the end this part will be the last one. After all, it seems that there are parts  he wants to record again once the other parts (instruments) are added. However, even if it is not the final form of the lyrics, if they are already included, the nuance of the phrase will change. Maybe it’s the same with the other members. I think everyone ends up arranging their parts for the lyrics.

-So, the idea was to keep the bass of "Oboro" as simple as possible?

T: Whether you're playing or listening, it was a simple form that seemed comfortable. I think a phrase that requires a lot of work is also good. If there is a song that suits that idea, I wonder if I should take a laborious approach. In that aspect, I thought the dynamic of “Oboro” feels as pleasant as possible. However, I was allowed to play a bit with it. I think the proportion and the sense of balance are also good.

-Did you choose to record some takes while changing your approach?

T: "Oboro" was decided by the current phrase from the time I did pre-production work at home.So, when I recorded in the the band's pre-production room, I just made a few minor corrections when I made the actual recording. As for the mix,  regarding my part, it was a good feeling from the beginning

-Neal Avron has been appointed as a mix engineer this time. Did his mixing work significantly change the nuances of the bass sound?

 T: It has changed. But the biggest change depending on the engineer is the sound of the drums. More like, I feel that the personality of the engineer can be understood in this aspect. Personally, I think the vivid and deep sound of the "Oboro" drums is good.

-A remake of your song "T.D.F.F" is recorded as one of the couplings. What kind of mindset did you have approaching this song including the arrangement?

T: As always, I thought about the phrase from the perspective of what it would sound like if it were done by my current self. When we do a remake, I listen to the original version of the song to confirm what I was playing at that time. Sometimes it's interesting to discover that I was playing it live with the wrong idea(laughs).

-The person that you were at that time is brought back as well?

T: There are times that happens when we rethink our approach. It was like this at that time, but I think it's different to do this phrase now, or to do it with a different feeling. Some of the old songs are due to youth, I have a variety of knowledge and experience now. So, there are times when I change to an approach with a completely different interpretation, and there are parts where I want to play faithfully to the original. For example, keep faithful to the main phrase that  would change everything if you changed that. At the time of "THE UNRAVELING" (released in April 2013), I had a strong desire to change everything if I wanted to remake it, so I changed it completely, but in recent years I have been thinking about the original carefully and the idea is to put my current sense into that. Because when you're making a song, it's your song, but it's not only yours. In that case, it’s better to capture our thoughts and the memories and the thoughts of the fans together in order to shape that song in a good way. If you want to make a bold change, I think you should use that idea to create a new song with it.

-The other coupling song is a live track from the concert without audience at Meguro Rockmaykan. What do you remember about this?

T: It's one of the first stages I've stood on since I became a member of DIR EN GREY, but the Rockmaykan with no audience felt strange. When the live starts, there is only one thing to do, so it's not much different from usual. But I’m not sure if there is something extra in it. It’s not about the call and response (from the audience), I think that the tension inside me is different depending if there are fans or not. After all it is more interesting to have audience. It can also inspire you. I think that such a form of live is also a possibility in times of Corona, but it doesn’t have to be like this every time. However, I learned a lot from this new experience with this new way of expression. Besides, it was a confirmation that there are various things that can be done in a situation like this.

-After this, there is a concert with audience on May 6th. How are you feeling now?

T: I'm looking forward to it and I'm happy. Above all, I am very grateful to be able to perform in front of the audience. Something that used to be normal is not normal anymore, so I wish I could do it with a new feeling.I think the world has simply changed due to Corona. Until now, everyone was running, and I think there was a huge difference between each person’s position. However, because it's all gone, to put it the other way around, everyone restarted from the same position. How does each person perceive that? Of course, the negative effects of corona are huge, but just thinking negatively does not change anything. So, if you think that everyone has slowed down in many ways, I think you can start running again. I think it's better to act than to think. So, I'm looking forward to the future.

[blueofthesun]

incoming long post of slightly better articulated (yet still waffly) phalaris main album thoughts before i log off and go to bed

schadenfreude is musically quite reminiscent of tiw and/or twom at times, and while not my personal favourite, i think the opener spot is the best place for it. i see it as leading us into the new album while also tying into the previous era. it does still feature the kinds of synth elements that punctuate this album, and those parts in the song (i.e the intro and the bit at approximately 3:30 with the twinkly guitar and the low synth backing kyo’s vocals) are the parts i like the most.

i don’t understand the title choice for the perfume of sins but the song is a right banger and i wish it had been a single instead of ochita. but i guess that’s what you get when you start putting out singles as early as they did for this album. the symphonic bits are amazing. i also finally watched the mv and i love the execution (pun intended...)

at least initially i feel much more drawn to the second half of the album, which i think sounds fantastic and refreshing after the tiw era. songs like utsutsu, bouga wo kurau (which, yes, is technically still first half but closer to the halfway point), mouai ni shosu and otogi remind me a lot of arche and listening to those for the first time i could clearly see why so many arche songs were suddenly thrown into the live set rotation for the new tour lol. i hope they bring out these new songs for live shows soon too.

ochita is the weakest song on the album by far for me. especially with the way they muffled the guitar bridge/breakdown in the album version (i still think that can't have been intentional. but who knows. i don't trust their mixing engineers), but also composition-wise. i can feel quite fond of ochita when in the right mindset because after all this pandemic hell the song already feels nostalgic to me, but on this album, not so much.

hibiki is beautiful and one of the songs that made me get choked up hearing it the first time. the vocal lines on the more melodic tracks really stand out to me on this album and this song is one of the ones where the melody really carries the song.

i expect eddie to grow on me hard. so far i like it fine, but i think it will be a fantastic live song.

otogi really stands out to me as a complete piece, definitely a gem and one of my instant favourites (and not just because it could be an arche song). the instrumentation is so dreamy and the composition is nice and dynamic. the chorus is gorgeous with the harmonies in the background and the powerful low drums. the rhythm section interlude is very cool too. i also feel like this is the best place to mention that i will never not be in awe of kyo’s versatility as a vocalist. this is one of those dir songs that make me go I LOVE THIS BAND SO MUCH AHHH.

when i say i sobbed for the entire nine minutes of listening to kamuy for the first time i am not exaggerating. i was so surprised by the direction this song took since i had not expected it to stay so mellow the whole way through. with dir, you begin to expect a big breakdown or a dramatic switch up in a long song like this, but this one stayed dreamy and melancholic and slightly trippy, keeping the tension in the subtlest most beautiful way possible until the very end, sort of pulling the rug from underneath my feet but in the best way imaginable. also i’m very emotional about the double acoustic guitar. kaoru on acoustic!!!!! we love to see it.

all in all, i like this album a lot more than tiw right off the bat. i promise i will stop with the arche comparisons but the way i felt about the last two tracks in particular vividly reminds me of the way i felt listening to arche for the first time, how awestruck i was. i’m very pleased rn and excited to listen to this album more and discover more about the songs!

[atinydise]

Ateez reacting to their s/o holding their hands for the 1st time

❦ Genre: Fluff.

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 3k3.

❦ Requested: Yes, thank you! 🦋

HONGJOONG

You were peacefully staring at the sky from your window. You've been staring at it since the departure. It was such a beautiful view that you wouldn't be bored it even with 11 hours of flight. "What are you staring at, love?" Asked Hongjoong, finally removing his earphones. 'Love'. You will never get used to him calling you this way. It never fails to make your heart beating faster than ever. "The view with the sunset is just so relaxing." You smiled. "Look at this with..." he struggled to untangle his earphone. The short imagination of him losing his AirPods for the 823rd time, got you smiling. "Song." He finally inserted it on your ear.

A soft and calm music started to play. All of your senses were comforted by these clear notes. "Sounds like a commercial music, right?" Giggled your boyfriend. "No... it's relaxing." You claimed. "I could fall asleep in 2 seconds because of it." "Then go ahead." He patted his shoulder, telling you to rest on it. Without hesitating, you put your head on. It was comfier than what you thought. Not something pointy and hard that could bother with your earrings or piercings. "Is it comfy?" Asked Hongjoong, a tiny bit worried. Too reassure him, you simply nodded and grabbed his forearm with your hand. Just to keep him close. Hongjoong wasn't used to you, showing this kind of attention in public. He was a bit taken a back, but finally only you mattered. The song was leading you in a soft and calm mindset. Your eyes were closing at every note and your entire body felt like a feather. Your boyfriend guessed that you were falling asleep because your hand was sliding on his forearm. 5 minutes later, your head almost fell from Hongjoong's shoulder. He quickly put it back in place, but it caused your hand to rest right in his free one. The warmness and the softness of his palm made you unconsciously held his hand. Tight. Hongjoong took his time to realize what was happening. Even if you were sleeping, he was hickey flustered. He was staring at your fingers, intertwined with his. Your boyfriend couldn't help but smile and blush. More when he tried to remove your grip, but you tightened it. "Cute." He whispered. Hongjoong and you were not really tactile and clingy persons, but when these moments happen, for the first time or rarely, both of you desire that it never stops. It was your moment only.

SEONGHWA

"I can't believe we are here already!" You stomped enthusiastically. Seonghwa was staring at you. You were so happy and cute. The way, you were holding your backpack straps made him melt instantly. "Disneyworld..." you sighed joyfully. "It's magic!" Seonghwa nodded, they really created a whole world and it felt unreal since he put a foot there. "Where do you want to start?" He asked, opening the map. "Space mountain!" You almost yelled, pointing at the localization pin. "Really? But we ate 2 hours ago?" He gulped, thinking at the amount of looping. "What a baby." You smirked. "Then what about... Peter Pan? Or Ratatouille?" "Okay I agree for the last one." He accepted. "Let's go!" You almost ran to the crowd, not wanting people to take your place in the queue. Seonghwa was looking at every details of the amusement park. All the shops had their own magical surfaces. He needs to come here with the members one time. They would go crazy for sure. "Fast Park Seonghwa!" You pouted. To tease you a little bit more, he started to walk slower. He deducted that it was working well because he spotted the vein on your forehead. "You are so slow!" You complained. Not thinking twice about your actions, you held his hand and led him to the attraction. The moment he felt your hand in his huge one, his stomach clenched. A thousand of butterflies were flying there. You were too focused on the board that you didn't saw the light blush on his face. But you secretly liked to hold his hand. It felt just right. "Bingo!" You pointed at the clock, "only 5 minutes of queueing." Seonghwa was barely listening to you. He was looking at your hands fitting perfectly in his. You had a moment of doubt, maybe he didn't like it and was too nice to tell you. You tried to detach your embrace slowly, but he tightened his grip on it. "Don't." He said seriously. "I like it." You smiled shyly at him. "It's the first time we are holding hands." He giggled. "A-Ah really?" You stuttered, a bit flustered. Seonghwa was about to reply when his phone buzzed in his pocket. You thought that he would let your hand free, but you were wrong. He struggled a bit to get it out of the pocket but no way he would use both of his hands. "Yeah Joong?" He rolled his eyes. "No. I told you I had a date today with Y/N. At Disneyworld." You glanced at him when you heard the word "date". Seonghwa saw your facial expression and winked cockily. You ignored what feels the most magical now; Disneyworld or a date with Seonghwa?

YUNHO

More and more you were moving forward in the queue, more you wanted to run away. Your friends advised you to go in a haunted house with Yunho, for your first date. At first, you didn't realize the situation. You only thought about a way to be close to him without being awkward. Yunho is scared of absolutely, nothing. He could play with a tarantula, then dance with a venomous snake without problem. So, a haunted house was nothing for him. But for you, it was another story. "Are you okay Y/N? You are shaking a bit." Asked Yunho thinking that you were already scared. "Even a lot." "I'm good!" You slapped his shoulder, puffing a bit. "It's just the anticipation." "Ok cool. I thought you had this kitschy idea to stay glued to me for the whole time. But I would probably be the one doing it." He laughed. "N-No. So, cliché." You laughed nervously, cursing at your friends in your mind. Not even 30 seconds later, the host led you inside. You were completely terrified. You couldn't even enjoy a single moment the proximity or the thought or having a romantic intercourse with Yunho. "Oh wow, that's well made." He pointed at the spider above you. You did your best to suppress the scream stuck in your throat. "W-Wait. You are working too fast." You tugged his shirt. "Are you scared?" He teased you. "We can go out if you-" "No." You shook your head. "Just stay close." You wrapped your arm around his. Yunho admitted that it was cute. Of course, he was aware of your plan when you invited him to the haunted house. You couldn't even walk next to a worm, without yelling. Suddenly and even Yunho shivered, a skeleton almost fell at your right. Your first reflex was to grab his hand and to hide behind his tall figure. Even though the situation wasn't the best, Yunho's heart flustered. Thanks to the darkness, you couldn't see the blush on his cheeks. His stomach clenched when your fingers placed right between his long ones. This action never had such an impact before. He was used to hold Atiny's hand during fansign. But it was nothing compared to this feeling. The rest of the way, you never let his hand go. Nor let 2 centimeters away from you. When finally, you exited the nightmare, the reality hit you. "Well done Y/N." Said Yunho. "F-For what? I've been a scared baby there." You faked to fix your clothes. "I thought you would jump on me right when we entered, but no. You had shown an amazing braveness." He giggled patting the back of your head. You grunted few words, too nervous and shy to admit your plan. "Give me your hand lady. Let's go inside again. I liked it." He smiled.

YEOSANG

["Y/N"] ["Bring ice cream."] Without hesitation you run to your kitchen and took a vanilla post in the refrigerator. You messily put your shoes and exited the college dorm. ["On my way!"] After 5 minutes of walking and avoiding bumping into every single person in the street, you arrived to Ateez' dorm. Right when you exited the elevator, you saw Wooyoung closing the door. "Wow. I want a best friend like you. In less than 15 minutes you there." Claimed Wooyoung. "How is he? Good or?" "A complete mess." He replied. You rolled your eyes, "I swear... I told him to stay away from this type of girl." "Good luck." Shrugged Wooyoung. "Wait, you are not going to comfort him?" "Why. I know that you are here." He patted your shoulder. "I'll watch a movie. See ya!" "Jung Wooyoung! I swear-" "Are you going to stay there the whole day, or you are going to enter and comfort me?" Asked Yeosang, who came out after hearing your voice in the hallway. "Be nice with me. I brought you a vanilla pot." You lifted your plastic bag. "Cool. Now I can be completely depressed and heartbroken." He whined. After that, you both sat on the couch, enjoying the calm for once. Yeosang explain that he prepared the best date for her and he even bought flowers. But she never shown up, nor replied to his texts. "You don't deserve her. I told you that already and a bunch of times." You ate another spoon of ice cream. "Are you going to eat all of this by yourself?" He slapped your hand, causing the spoon to fall. You rolled your eyes and faced him. "Yeosang, stop being sad for her. You are a real treasure and too bad for her, she lost someone really special." You grabbed both of his hands and rubbed it with your thumbs. "Even if you are a bit savage sometimes, you are such a good person." Yeosang's eyes couldn't leave the sight of your hands, holding, squeezing and rubbing his. "And she's stupid. You are probably the perfect boyfriend on this earth." You claimed. "I would be grateful to have a boyfriend like you." He raised his brow, by surprise. You instantly flickered his forehead. "Don't even think about it." He sneered, knowing that you would say something like that. "How do you feel?" You asked when you finally saw a smile on his face. Yeosang hesitated a second, but finally chose to take his sad facial expression back. "Hold my hand and tell me how amazing I am again. It might help." You rolled your eyes. "This guy... Anyway." You ordered and held his hands once again. Screw the compliment. That's what he really wanted.

SAN

You were waiting your boyfriend for 15 minutes already. He as late. Like always. But you never been mad about it. San was doing his best to spend some time with you despite having a heavy and full schedule. The last thing you could do, to just show him how grateful you are, is to be patient. "Y/N!" Shouted San, running to you. He was smiling widely and waving crazily. "Slow down, you are going to trip." You warned him when you judged he was close enough. "Sorry." He paused, catching his breath. "I'm late again." "It's okay babe." You pecked his cheek, making his heart jolt a tiny bit. "To apologize, you can choose everything you want us to do today." He said happily. Next thing he knew he was trying to walk for the first time with rollers. "Y/N, I can't do this!" He whined, holding the ramp on the wall. "Come on! I know that you can be really good at this." You encouraged your boyfriend. "How do you manage to stay still with this?!" "It's still my feet. I'm the only one controlling them." You smiled, turning around him. "Oh my god, help me." He sighed, trying to stop his legs to shake like a newborn. "Okay." You stopped at his left. "I'll help you." San gulped when you slid your hand over his forearm to gently hold his hand. He was still amazed by the softness of your palm that he didn't realize that the wall was getting far away every seconds. "I can't believe that we are holding hands." He finally said. You simply giggled, ignoring what to say. "I thought that I would need to do it first. I know how shy you are princess." "Stay focused Sanie." You replied, a smile glued on your face. "Your hand is so cute in mine. It's like it was meant to be there." "San." "I want this moment to pause forever." He claimed. "Babe." "I can’t believe!" He sang, using the same tone as Chen in Exo*. "And I can't believe, you made a whole round without falling." San finally looked around him. He was so focused on your hand that he completely forgot his main task. "I'm roller-skating!" He shouted victoriously. "I'm a grown man now." "Can the grown man detach his hand now that's he's a pro?" "Never."

MINGI

Mingi is shy. On the stage, he always looks fierce, confident and cool. But in reality, he is a cute and shy boy. It took him 20 minutes to ask you on a date. You spent your entire break from your old part time job, to listen to him, stuttering 2 words by minute. With respect, of course, you always kept your distance and understood that he was not into showing affection in public. Then you always 'stayed in your place' and be affectioned in private. But even not that much because he was still taken a back. Tonight, they all had a rough day and Seonghwa offered to walk an hour in the park below. You encouraged them, saying that it was a good idea. So here you are, leading the walk with your boyfriend. The rest of the members behind you, a bit like chaperones. Everyone could tell that this little walk was relaxing. One by one, they all found their smiles back. "Do you remember Bridgerton?" You asked. Mingi raised a brow, "the show that made you drool and fangirl about the dresses?" "Yeah!" You snapped. "The boys looks like our parents, checking that we don’t do anything wrong." You smirked. The tall boy looking behind him. The 7 other boys were minding their own business. "Not really. They totally don’t give a f about us." He sneered. "Ah really? So, it won't bother anyone if... I do something like." You removed your hand out of your pocket to held Mingi's one. As expected, he blushed and stuttered that they were just behind. "Come on...." You teased him, squeezing his hand. "We are dating for 3 months and you never held my hand. So, I do it." "Y/N!" He blushed even more. "Ooooouh Song Mingi!" Shouted the boys behind. Some of them were whistling, one by one. Few ones were clapping, and San Yunho were imitating the scene. Even though Mingi was cringing, it was not bad at all. "Song Mingi is a man now! He's holding a girl's hand." Shouted Wooyoung. All of their comment started to make you awkward too. But in a good way. Judging that you teased Mingi enough. You tried to untangle your fingers. "Finish what you started." Said Mingi, tightening his grip. "You put us in this situation, so you need to assume it too." A nervous laugh came out from your throat when he put both of your hands in his pocket. Of course, this move caused the other boys to start yelling behind both of you. But you could still live with it.

WOOYOUNG

Even if you agreed to spend the night at the dorm Wooyoung still found the situation awkward. It's been 2 weeks that you were officially dating. Everything was perfect. You both had a real great harmony. Even the other members claimed that they were jealous of your chemistry. The only problem which was not a big deal but still bothers Wooyoung, was that you were not really the 'clingy type'. You barely touched each other. He respected that you needed to hold our hand sometimes or just give you a hug or a peck randomly. "What are you thinking about?" You asked sliding under the sheets. "You keep looking at the ceiling." Wooyoung hesitated a second to tell you what was bothering him. But he finally decided to not say anything and to not put you in a awkward situation. "Nothing, just tired." He yawned. "Let's sleep." You nodded and made sure both of you were well covered. "Good night Wooyoungie." "Night Y/N." You couldn’t see his face, but he was disappointed when you turned around, showing your back to him asking if he was asleep already. He finally cracked an eye when he felt your warmness just next to him. His heart started to rush. Wooyoung even though it would stop functioning when you grabbed his hand to held yours. You slowly rested your interlaced hands on your belly. Wooyoung was burning behind you. The dozen of mini him were dancing and shouting along in his head. When you started to rub your thumb over his skin, it completely drove him crazy. Wooyoung could felly your belly on his forearm. because of that, he wanted so bad to squeeze and hug you until you couldn't breathe anymore. "I know that you are awake." You whispered, giggling a bit. Just in case this moment would stop, he preferred to stay quiet. "I feel your heart bumping, jolting and clenching in your chest." You added. "I just... love this." He finally admitted. You simply stuck your body closer to him and snuggled gently against it. "This shit drives me crazy. You seem so tiny." "Just sleep." You giggled, enjoying his presence. "I can't sleep anymore! I feel like I'm going to explode." He replied, happily. "What did I do..." you sighed, smiling a little bit.

JONGHO

You just felt your friends. You spent the whole day looking for a dress. And not a casual dress. An amazing and fancy one. Just to go with your boyfriend at a gala. You needed to get along with everyone there or to be at least presentable. Jongho told you that you could wear anything you want, but your desire was to impress everyone there. Especially the CEO, so he could stop looking at you like a trash. Just when you got out of the café, you spotted a red-haired guy, in the same alley of you. You doubted a second, but you saw him holding an Ice americano. It was your boyfriend for sure. Without hesitating, your ran to his direction. When you were at 5 meters behind him, you walked slowly and quietly. You recognized the Chanel earrings you gave him and his Louis Vuitton sport bag. "He's so expensive." You thought. Not waiting anymore, you grabbed his free hand. Jongho had the instant reflex to step away and to brush the hand off. "Hello young man, are you single?" You winked at him. His face softened, when he saw your face. "No sorry. I'm taken and take care because she's crazy." "Hey!" You pouted. Jongho sneered, proud of his own joke. When finally, he realized. "Oh." Wondering why this sudden behavior and glanced where's he was looking at. "What?" "It's the first time that you are holding my hand." He blinked. "We do this all the time." "No. You don't get it. It's incredible." "What?" "Your hand is hold mine. It's the best thing ever." You raised a brow, "you are too much." “I’m usually the one holding yours but now!” “You-” "Do not move." He kept staring at it. People walking past to you, were giving you a weird look. Jongho was looking at your hands in awe. "She's holding my hand too! And the first time!" He said to a couple passing by. "Choi Jongho." You slapped his shoulder gently, completely embarrassed. "Let's go to Hongdae!" "Why suddenly?" You asked. "So, we can walk there!" "It's 1 hour far away from here!" "Yes. Exactly. That's the point." He smiled widely, already enjoying the idea.

*Exo - Tempo: it’s a song which had been praised by many (I do recommend to watch Ateez covering this because it’s a m a z i n g) and Chen’s lyrics intro (0:02) really had his impact.

[bts-weverse-trans]

201124 Weverse Magazine ‘BE’ Comeback Interview - J-Hope

j-hope: “Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world” BTS BE comeback interview 2020.11.24

On April 28, j-hope streamed a Log ( ON ) video of his dance warm-up on BTS’s YouTube channel, BANGTANTV. Over the course of an hour and four minutes, he stretches out his whole body, gradually advances from small motions up to big movements, and demonstrates more of his other techniques. And he didn’t leave out his cooldown exercise, either. This has been j-hope’s life as a BTS member for the past seven years.

A whole lot happened this year. j-hope: Like I said in another interview, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. It started out with our performance at the Grammys, which was really, really, great, and then Map of the Soul: 7 came out, which was great, too, and then it plummeted. With COVID-19 happening, I did a lot of thinking, did some studying, then everyone met “Dynamite” and we had some great results. And the ride repeated. Roller coasters are scary, but you keep thinking about them even after you get off. That’s how I felt about this year: it was scary, but memorable.

One of those memorable things must be how “Dynamite” topped the Billboard Hot 100 but you never had a chance to actually go to the U.S. j-hope: So when we got first place, we couldn’t even check the charts. We were asleep. We checked when we woke up, and there we were, at the top. But then we went straight to work. (laughs) We had to film something here in Korea. It was hard to enjoy ourselves, the whole situation being what it was, but it was all right because we could still enjoy it together.

You must have had a lot on your mind, making BE during this kind of year. j-hope: I tend to think of BTS albums as being a reflection of the whole team, but this time I thought of it as putting in the stories I wanted to tell, making it my music and infusing myself into the new album while still being a BTS album. It turned out to be right at home with BTS’s color, and the whole team’s energy led to an even bigger synergy.

What made you think to go in that direction? j-hope: We started this album off by getting together and asking what kind of story we wanted to tell. The end result of that conversation was, “Well, hey, we still have to live with this situation; we can’t give up.” And from there, “Life Goes On” was born, and then we got to work on the stories we each wanted to tell. I think it sounds more raw, since we tried to capture the emotions we felt living through the pandemic.

I imagine you each had a lot of songs you wanted to include, and that your opinions were probably all a bit different. How did you compromise on the final product? j-hope: None of us made any kind of plan. We’d listen to a track and someone would ask, “Hey, anybody wanna give this a try?” and someone else would say, “Me! I’ll do it.” We just did it that way. There were clashes, too. When each person starts to speak louder, it’s hard to find a common ground. But we’ve always been good at communicating with one another, and we know when to back down or be gracious, so everything went smoothly including planning for the unit songs.

How did each of you choose your songs? You put “Dis-ease” on the album. j-hope: There’s one song where we were working in the studio and someone said, “That track wasn’t very good, was it? Jung Kook’s one before was better” and we’d switch on the spot. The song would be done recording and we talked to the label and ended up switching it out. We listened to it all together and said, “What about this?” And that’s how we decided. So then “Life Goes On” was done, and I wasn’t sure if “Dis-ease” would be on the album. We gave the seven songs from each member to Jimin, who was project manager, and he suggested we listen to them first and then get feedback from people inside the company. I think it was one of the stories each member could feel was his own.”

Where did you get the idea for the theme of “Dis-ease”? j-hope: First, I wanted to get into the mindset that this song is a sickness. When I make a song, I work on the chorus first, and then move onto the first verse. When I had only finished the chorus the song felt upbeat, but I thought the overall theme shouldn’t be too playful. That wouldn’t reflect how I felt. But while the theme of “Dis-ease” itself isn’t very light, when it fuses with the beat, it feels as if the song is trying to get over itself and stay positive. So I threw some scratching into the chorus and put in some “bbyap bbyap bbayp” and then started to think, “Aha! I’d better call this song ‘Dis-ease.’ ”

I didn’t expect you to write a song portraying your love–hate relationship with your work as a disease. A lot of people would expect you to have a positive, hopeful attitude, given your name. j-hope: I was too busy to ever give much thought about the work itself. But, as you know, that suddenly changed, and there was a lot we could no longer do. When I was working, I’d say, “Ugh, I need a break,” but then we took time off and the words, “Ugh, I want to work,” jumped out of my mouth! That’s what made me think more closely: “Why is this bothering me? I have a chance to rest—just take it. Why do I feel like I need to work under these circumstances? Is this an occupational disease?” I felt like this was a part of me that I could express at this point in time.

This is the first time in your lyrics I’ve heard how hard you push yourself to be successful. It made me wonder about the burden you felt about work over the past seven years. j-hope: Out of habit, I would say, “I’m okay; I have hope,” and keep working, but I think I was just avoiding my work-related problems rather than facing them head on. The nice thing about music is that I can say what’s on my mind, even feeling of sadness or depression, in beautiful ways.  I don’t usually express those feelings but this time I wanted to try.

It sounds like you have lots of different thoughts about work. j-hope: With my work? Well, actually, I’m not sure. Work is kind of an ugly duckling. Work gives me good energy but there’s energy you get from resting. But someone like me feels alive when they’re working, so I need to keep moving and keep doing. I feel anxious when I stop and content when I go. Every once in a while I don’t want to work, but I can’t not work.

You’re saying you and work go well together? j-hope: Exactly. It’s easier just to think simple. If you think too hard, that’s when things get difficult. Because I’m me, I can’t just keep it simple all the time, but I’m trying my hardest to do my best.

Thinking simple isn’t always so simple. j-hope: Yeah. Maybe it’s because I don’t have many problems to deal with. I feel uncertainty because of that. Uncertain about how my identity will be affected if I do encounter some great hardship.

BTS has faced a lot of hardship, though, right? j-hope: That is also true. (laughs) But the team wouldn’t have kept going if it’d just been me cheering ourselves on. We’re possible because we all think the same way. I wonder if we would’ve been able to come this far if it was just me saying, “Let’s go, guys!” That’s why I’m even more thankful to the other members.

What do those emotional changes affect your music? j-hope: I didn’t want to make an overly cheery song this time. I thought it would be best to do some softer songs about the way I was feeling this whole time, so I chose “Dis-ease” as well as “Fly to My Room.” The other members also thought, “Yeah, we’ve done a lot of bright songs, so it should be fine if we try it this way, too.” “Blue & Grey” is like that, too. I love that song.

You have a completely different voice when you rap on “Blue & Grey.” Did your rap style also change, along with your emotions? j-hope: I wanted “Blue & Grey” to sound like I was talking, actually. The tone and feel of my voice changes a lot depending on how I vocalize my rap.  I noticed that a lot this time. Namjoon actually helped me a ton. His part was after mine, so I turned to him and said, “Maybe it would sound better if I did it like this,” and tried it out. Then I used his advice and found the right sound.

How does it feel moving away from your normal style? j-hope: It’s really refreshing. I thought it wouldn’t work but I think it did after all. And I always thought this was a feel that I wanted to give it a try. For me, BE is sort of like the first step down an unfamiliar path, so there were parts that were challenging, and also parts that were a welcome change.

I think your rap in “Dis-ease” demonstrates that change well. Instead of trying to keep time in the intro, your flow just follows the story. j-hope: I made sure not to overthink anything this time. It ended up sounding natural because I just matched the rhythm of the words as they left my mouth. And it was refreshing because I haven’t done a long verse like in “Dis-ease” in forever. When we rap, there tend to be four or eight-ish lines; I thought I’d try and pack in a verse with sixteen. It also helped because the lyrics came out before many of the other things for this song.

The music makes “Dis-ease” sound upbeat, but then there’s a surprising message: “To be honest, I have this problem.” It’s like you were holding yourself back from crossing a line. j-hope: It was something like that. Shouldn't we stay on this line? Maybe that’s a disease too (laughs). I thought if j-hope leaned too much to one side people might think that’s strange, too. That’s why I tried to stick to my standards, but since I’m also human I also expressed emotions I couldn’t articulate into music.

You don’t want to try and cross that line? j-hope: I’ve thought about it, obviously. I want to, but in my life itself and in my mind, I always think if there’s a line, it shouldn’t be crossed. But I’m becoming more generous to myself about crossing lines when it comes to music.

So you haven’t crossed yet, but right now you want to say, “I have something else,” and go further. j-hope: Yes. This is maybe a time when I really need to. I’ve been lucky because I met great people, had success and reached where I am now. Now that I’m here, I always want to try new things myself and keep growing. That’s why I’m working hard and thinking about what kind of music I should make.

There’s a part in “Fly to My Room” where you sing, “You can change the way you think.” It’s like you were explaining the past seven years of your life. j-hope: It all depends on how you look at it. Say there’s some kind of food. You might feel lonely while eating it by yourself, but if you forget about your loneliness for a minute and think, “There is no difference in food I would be eating out (with other people) anyway,” then it’s just like eating out. So even though I was stuck feeling lonely at home, I started to think of it as another trip instead. I thought of my room as my world, and delivery food as a three-star hotel meal. As you can tell from the title, I worked on that song by thinking about the way I endured this year so far.

And why did you decide to “change the way you think?” j-hope: Because I get a lot of love. Because I’m in this position and in this place, there’s things I have to deal with, and I should do things and think things I am able to bear. I thought about that a lot and accepted it. So I thought about what I could do during these hard times, and how I could help out my friends, my team. I think I’m still going through that process, too, so everything’s an “-ing”, because I might need to know what to do later about what I can do, even if I don’t quite know it yet.

What effect does being surrounded by so much love have on you? j-hope: It’s amazing to be loved by even one person. Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world. And I know this isn’t something to take for granted. I’m so incredibly thankful that sometimes I feel overwhelmed just thinking, ‘Wow, how can I ever return this much love?’ I want to express that in any way possible, every moment I can, because I’m so honored to be so loved that I can’t begin to put it into words.

A little while ago, in an interview with Rolling Stone India, you said that, when you were young, you equated debuting with success. What does success mean to you now, now that you’ve had success after success? j-hope: Success … It’s a simple idea, but it can weigh on you. In all aspects of life, I think success means being satisfied with what you’re able to do.When you lose faith in your work and it starts becoming a chore, that’s when it starts to get depressing.

There are inevitably times when you can’t enjoy it. j-hope: It’s just, you know, it’s really simple. If you can’t do it now, you can always do it later. Do that, and you can put your mind at ease. And I think that’s the secret to living a long, happy life. Anything you can’t do in your 20s, you can just do in your 40s. Of course, there’s going to be stuff you should do now while you’re still (laughs) energetic. But if that’s the position you’re in right now, you just have to ride it out. Try again later if you can’t enjoy yourself now. You’ll probably feel different in the future anyway. Yeah, that was pretty much the key to my self-preservation.

Where do you find the strength to hold on like that? j-hope: From the group, it’s very clear what that is. It’s our fans. ARMY. We had to pull through, for the fans. At any time of any day, the fans come first. I keep thinking about how painful it would be for the fans if we just gloss over something or feel like giving up just because we’re having a hard time. I was 20 when we made our debut. I didn’t know much about having a social life, but the messages our fans sent were a big comfort and gave us hope. I learned a lot just by reading fan letters and understanding the kind of thoughts they had. Fans and artists really are one and the same.

That makes me think of a line from “Life Goes On”: “People say the world has changed but thankfully between you and me, nothing has changed.” j-hope: Yes, right. I thought that line expressed the feeling really well as soon as I first heard it. Yoongi wrote that. He is really good. (laughs) I think that describes our relationship with our fans.

Trans © Weverse

[skzfairies]

confident queen

time: mama 2019

pairing: yuri + ateez

summary: yuri wants to show everyone a new side of her, and the boys are completely shocked.

warnings: mentions of people bodyshaming yuri

they were currently backstage at mama, and they were preparing for their first ever performance there. they were very excited, this was their first time at such a big event, and they were ready to show everyone who they really were.

they were all getting changed, just coming back from rehearsals and ready to start getting ready for the real thing.

recently, yuri has been a lot of comments concerning her body, and she was tired of it. she was very confident in her body, and she didn’t think any one else should have a say on how she feel. although it was hard to keep that mindset, she worked very hard to brush off every comment that told her she needed to loose weight. she knew she was healthy, and she would be damned if she would let anyone tell her she’s not.

she quickly grabbed her outfit from her stylist, and ran to get changed before any of the boys could see it. normally, she would show them before hand, but she wanted this to be a suprise.

she was going to show off her body at the show, to show all the haters that she did not care about one single word they told her. she was going to show her confidence on stage, and even though she could perfectly do that in any outfit, she thought if she showcased her body tonight that it would be a big slap into the face of haters.

she was wearing a white crop top with rhinestones on it that ended above her rib cage and a pair of white demin shorts. this was paired with white sparkly gloves, and white combat boots, along with a fluffy white jacket. she looked in the mirror, and she loved the outfit so much, she was so excited to wear it on stage, and show it to the boys. she took a deep breath, and opened the door, and walked out. she posed in the middle of the room, and laughed at the boys expressions.

they were speechless, their mouths were open, and their eyes were big, they never saw her in anything that was more revealing than them, which wasn’t very much. hongjoong was the first one that spoke up, “you look amazing yuri!” he began clapping and yuri laughed and bowed, murmuring a soft thank you.

“you do look amazing yuri, gorgeous too. are you sure you want to wear it though, with everything that people were saying?” seonghwa asked, making eye contact with her. yuri chuckled, and nodded her head.

“that’s exactly the reason i want to wear it, i want to show everyone i’m happy with how i look, and that i’m already incredibly sexy. a slap to the face to them, you know?” yuri said, and the boys started clapping. some started yelling “queen”, and “show them”, and yuri laughed and smiled. she was happy the boys were supportive, because she would defiantly need a lot afterwards.

“yuri, i am so incredibly proud of you. thank you for not listening to them.” mingi said and ran up and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and yuri hugged him back.

“it was hard, but i did it! i cant wait to watch the idol reactions later.” yuri laughed, loving to watch those in her free time.

“when you get on stage, can i scream that your my best friend?” mingi asked.

“mingi, no, you gotta show your abs remember? we can both show skin together, besties do everything together.” yuri commented, making everyone laugh. they we’re definitely being revealing twins today.

yuri was getting her make up done, she was sitting by the wall with san to her right.

“you do look really good, by the way.” san said, looking over when the stylist walked away. yuri laughed, were they all just realizing it now?

“i need to show my body to get compliments? noted.” yuri laughed when san protested.

“i know that’s not what you meant. thanks though. i don’t know if i’ll be able to make it today without freezing to death though.” yuri chuckled, reaching over to the table and wrapping the blanket around her.

“say hi to atiny yuri!” wooyoung screamed, and yuri looked at him through the mirror and waved at the camera through the mirror.

“atiny, did you like my outfit?” yuri asked, winking into the mirror. she could hear wooyoung chuckle and the zoom in noise behind her.

“oh atiny is going to go crazy, i won’t have any atiny biasing me anymore! they are all going to go to you!” wooyoung complained, zooming back out.

“sorry wooyoung, but the sexy position is being handed over to me. maybe next time” yuri giggled, laughing harder when wooyoung screamed.

“atiny, the best time to mess with my members is when i’m getting my makeup and hair done, they can’t touch me then.” yuri chuckled, it was true. they would get in trouble if they tried to get back at her, so she was completely safe.

yuri was currently sitting on the couch now, scrolling through her phone, when she felt someone sink next to her. she looked up, and smiled at hongjoong, who sat next to her.

“yuri, i was thinking about something, only if your okay with it.” hongjoong said, causing yuri to hum.

“i was thinking at the end, you know how normally seonghwa has the ending part?” yuri nodded, not seeing where he was going with this.

“i was thinking that you could do it instead, since you do it earlier in the song too, so we could just flip the timing of those parts. like you take seonghwa’s part at the end, and then he take’s you singing the chrous in return.” hongjoon said, looking over to yuri. it could work, they could just practice it real fast in the room, and it wouldn’t be a big change, since they both stand by each other.

“did you talk to seonghwa oppa about this?” yuri was fine with it, as long as seonghwa was fine with it.

“yeah, he’s fine with it. he really wants you to do it, so do i. i think it would be really iconic if you do the ending part, and it would add a even more thrilling ending you know?” hongjoong said, smiling.

“i’ll do it, we should practice it now.” yuri stood up, and walked over to seonghwa.

“do you want to practice the part change?” yuri smiled, and looked down at seonghwa. giggling when he shot up.

“yes, let’s do it. i’m happy you decide to do it!” yuri laughed and got in position, practice with seonghwa.

“what are you two doing?” yeosang asked, looking at them through the mirror.

“we are switching parts, yuri is having the ending part.” seonghwa said. all of the members gasped, they weren’t aware of this.

“so suddenly?” jongho asked, they only had a few hours until their performance.

“it’s not that big of a change, so it’s no biggie.” yuri said, it really wasn’t. they both already figuried it out.

“should we practice it as a group real fast?” wooyoung asked, looking around. all the members nodded, and did a quick run through of the dance. the staff clapping when all of them were done.

“it’s cool when you do it yuri, you should permanently do that part.” yeosang joked, all of them laughing when seonghwa screamed in protest.

all of them were stretching, getting ready to be called.

“ATEEZ, stand by!” one of the directors yelled, and all of them stood up, making last minute touches and putting on their mics, and heading back stage.

“are you ready to show them that you are a confident queen, yuri?” mingi asked, nudging her and smiling.

“oh, i was born ready, get together guys!” yuri whispered, gathering the boys into the circle.

“leader, would you do the honors?” yuri looked up at hongjoong and smiled.

“1,2, nine makes one team, fighting!” all of them said together, and yuri felt the chills run up her arm. she was ready to give the performance of her life.

[rosyk]

Clichè

pairing: lee minho x reader

genre: heavy or light angst, fluff, marriage, misunderstandings

warnings: light curses, situations that involves deep anger or sadness, mentions of disease, death(?)

word count: 5.2k

a/n: Hi it’s your gal, rosyk. I’m back with writing fanfictions and it’s like 4 in the morning. I haven’t slept yet so there are many grammatically incorrect sentences or spelling errors. Hope you enjoy this one though! (Inspired by Dear John- Taylor Swift)

I sat by the car, the same old one he and I used to drive in. This was a simple car but we swore to use this for our wedding since memories are still stuck. It made me wonder what could’ve happened if everything went right? What would’ve happened to us if there were no obstacles in life? It then made me realize that indeed there were no obstacles, none other than you.

I drove the car to meet your sister who desperately needed to talk to me. She said there were secrets I needed to know but I get the gist of what she’s trying to do. Set me up? Trap me? Convince me? So I could be tempted to get back into your cage? I don’t want that to happen, never again. I’m sick and tired of this one-sided relationship I never noticed because I was blinded. Aced all my tests, I am smart. But when it comes to you, I look like a whole fool trying to fall in love with a guy who gave up. This is why I wanted to show her that I’ve moved on, at least based on my view. Wearing both of my earphones and played our song, I sighed deeply and continued to drive along Cornelia street. My days only revolved around you but what exactly went wrong in between us? Scratch that, what happened to you?

Back then, all I could do was love you. Not less but everything more. I could never stand loving you lesser each day. It’s not on obsessing but to the point that I recognize your feelings though still, I try to force myself. You know how I do grow tired from time to time, but that’s all because I care for you. There’s not much positivity from that though. The downfall happens when I love you much more than you feel for me. It was never equal no matter how I try to persuade myself, desperately needing your affection.

My mother used to tell me how crazy I was to fall for a guy like you. How was I supposed to tell her you were fine since then? Yesterday, you rained me with care. On Friday, you sucked it all up and acted as if nothing happened. All I could do was pray that the guy I used to know, is the one I’ll meet today and greet me in front of the door with wide gentle hugs.

You give me hope, then take it back all at once. I remembered a sunny sky in blue that suddenly turned grey after you decided to shrug me off several times. I was in your tiny piece of chess game. Though you change the rules every day, hoping I would give up until the end. What’s funny is that typically families opposing would be the ones who would give tests to both of the couples to prove their love. And yet, you were the one who was trying to give me a hard time and when I was lost in the thought of giving you up, you decided to save me at the end of the day.

You were a puzzle I couldn’t solve. Little did I know, there was a missing piece I could never find until then. Just like a whole puzzle, you were complicated but due to my drive and need, I had to hang on to my aim. I had to do it because I was convinced by all your “sorry“. Or maybe it’s just me trying to change my mindset to find a reason to stay because I knew there was no difference between all your other sorrys before.

“Which Minho would I be able to talk to on the phone?” It runs through my mind each Sunday of my life and gives me anxiety. But every time I hear the phone ring? I never hesitated to pick it up. No matter what kind of guy I am faced with, I wanted to know deeper why you were acting so confusing. But on that single day, I didn’t pick up the phone. I cried and had sleepless nights. My worst nightmare just came and here’s why:

“Don’t you think this is a good improvement? We’ll sit by the couch and place a big screen tv.” You placed your arm above my shoulder and I continued your lovely story.

“Then we’ll watch your performances?” I looked at you in the eye, grinning as you smirked at my idea. You hummed in question and tilted your head. “Lee Minho, the most famous kpop idol who reached internationally and was supported by his lovely fans” I placed both of my hands above, imaging a billboard banner with your name and face on it. Thousands of people watching and idolizing you.

“Really?” You shifted your position into a more comfortable one as I leaned on your chest. Nodding at my suggestion, you pressed your lips together and listened to me, getting all happy after trying to predict and set goals in our lives.

“Of course! Why not?” I turned my head to face you and gave you a slight hit. “I could feel the energy of the universe as if it's trying to tell me that was our fate” You playfully laughed at the girl in front of you who is telling such an exaggerating fairytale. “Besides, ” I went back to my position and grabbed your arms around my waist. “Your number one fan is just a surgeon anyway” You responded with an oh? as you began to get amused with my statements. “A surgeon who never failed to help people even in a situation full of pressure. The best surgeon in the district” I smiled in a bragging manner, lifting my hand to flip my hair.

“I like that” you nodded in approval. “But don’t you think it’s much better with the title, the best surgeon found around the world?” My eyes lit up with stars because indeed that was a better match. I grinned and raised my eyebrow.

“That’s better” an idea popped up and so I turned back once again. You looked at me in confusion and waited until I would continue what I wanted to say. “But how about the dating ban? Does that mean we have to keep it low?” You looked at me concerningly and so I did. Panic arose in my mind. “Or maybe we-“

You placed your hand up my lip and shushed me. Everything is going to be fine, you tried to assure me. Lifting up your hand and caressed my face, you continued and stared at my pouty lips. “Of course not. It’s you,” with a silent pause, you pointed directly at me with a lovingly stare “and I” you did the same back at yourself and held my hand, enclosing it together. “against the whole world”. You chuckled whilst you tipped your forehead on mines.

“Too cliché” I laughed at you but no doubt that made my heart flutter. Oh, how I wish he knew how much I love him.

[MONTHS LATER]

“Do you have everything packed?” I sighed deeply the minute I rummaged through the closet. I stopped as soon as I saw the yellow hoodie hung inside. “You forgot the hoodie!” I chuckled though scared, deeply hoping this isn’t what I think it is.

“That’s your favorite. Keep it” he smiled but those words pierced straight through me. I felt what he meant. My last token for our relationship, isn’t it? What happened to all those you and I against the world? Were all those just things to make me feel relieved?

“Oh” I responded dryly and gulped, pressing my lips together to stop these drops from falling. “Mhm, ’kay” I closed the closet and faced the guy who’ll soon be leaving. “Go” You looked at me with pity and everything I didn’t want to see in your eyes. I’m okay, at least that’s what I like to believe. As I was busy trying to act tough because I don’t want you to see me being vulnerable once again, you gave me the warmth I needed. A necessity in my dark days.

“I’m sorry. I won’t leave you alone, maybe quite busy but I’d never wanted to split up with you” I finally cried after everything. It was a big wash down of emotions and you felt sorry again. It was a painful sight for you, I know.

“But those hoodies..” sniffs went in between those sobs. As usual, you tried to assure me by caressing my face. It was an act to show that we’ll still stay the same.

“I want you to return this to me after I become an idol. I want you to promise you’ll hold on to us. Wait for me okay?” That was the first and last time I’ve ever seen you cry. It hurts deep bad, but I didn’t want to be an obstacle to your goal as well. I’ll wait no matter how many years it may take.

[DECEMBER OF 2018]

Hey, I’m not sure if you still received my letters. It’s been long, don’t you think? I feel like you don’t remember me anymore but I was your first love haha. Would you still be able to know me after I come back there? I’ve heard you all over the news. Minho, the guy who brought K-pop internationally and broke the Billboard charts. I told you that you’d make it. Me? I’m now a surgeon. Not internationally, but definitely in the district. I’ll get there soon, right? One more question, can I return the hoodie? I did wait for you, hoping you did as well.

I sighed for only God knows how many times for this day. The more I’ve been sending letters, the less I’ve been receiving.

I held on to the letter and got up from my bed after hearing a call once again. The last time I was able to sleep was decades ago and so I had to go back to work. Luckily, it wasn’t a heavy operation but I just had to check-in by the hospital to get the patient’s results.

“Good afternoon, Mrs!.” My patient joked and I could clearly see my best friend smirking.

“Maddie! Stay safe when you get home alright?” I smiled greeting the patient who joked before getting ready to leave

“Hey, hey it’s not too safe to go outside yet. Call someone to assist you. Take care!” Another response of mine was said after a boy who was operated on and took rest for three weeks passed by me.

Beaming from ear to ear, I squealed and hugged my best friend tight. “ALICEEE!” It’s been years since I’ve seen her. She accompanied Min on his way to Korea. And before any of the readers misunderstand, they are siblings. Quite awkward at first if I must say but it’s great to know lots of information about him.

“Hush, we’re in your workplace. You told me that, right? Alice, don’t scream or get hyper whenever you’d come back here.” She mimicked the way I talked in an insulting manner, not that I’m offended by it. We just like to mimic one’s tone as a sign of sarcasm. “Well, look who’s talking?” She furrowed both of her eyebrows as I laughed and took my hands off her.

“So how was Korea, Lisa? Did you find someone? Maybe that guy who you friend-zoned at?” I started chuckling after seeing her blank face. It was honestly funnier to see her reaction. Her stop-it-kind-of-face made my laugh gradually get lower but never failed to make a remark soon after. I thought of someone and so I tried to casually ask her about it. “How are you and Min? Was Korea that good? Just wanted to ask because I’m scared to get into their hospital” I shrugged it off but saw her eyebrow raise. Of course, she always knows what’s up.

“So is this why you’re called Mrs.? Mrs. Lee?” Now it was her turn to laugh. I playfully pouted and narrowed my eyes. “Excuse me?” I acted all offended, placing my hand to my chest as if I took it to heart “It’s miss for you, Mrs. friend-zoned” Rolling my eyes and entered my room, her never-ending saga of teasing me continued.

An hour came by after packing all my things left in the hospital room and we talked about our lives. She still never told me a single thing about Min because of her chattiness. We got in the car and went to the airport. My flight has been called and so I had to leave.

“Wish we could’ve spent more time. I’ll come back soon anyways after visiting the hospital” she hugged me so tight causing me to be so confused.

“Min.. I tried to talk to him” I looked at her in the eye asking for some problems that happened years before. Though no words that came out of her were expected.

“But he didn’t want to hear anything about you”

Hours came by like a flash but my thoughts filling out my mind went by for years. I arrived at my destination but is this truly where I am destined to be in? I knew there was something much more than her words because her voice was shaky.

I didn’t leave a single minute to go by my hospital though. Work always comes by my mind. But usually, I would hang by the café in your building hoping to see you pass by. There were no people because I was busy studying late at night after the closing time. It was scary, but I was too busy to notice.

“I miss you! I’ll come by soon, okay? You better wait for me, sweetie. Love you, take care!” I smiled after hearing my patient’s voice. She was a lovely kid and it seems like I wasn’t the only one missing her as well. It had just been a day yet Yeina has been panicking through the whole call.

“Got a boyfriend now?” The one who talked suddenly came up near my seat and giggled. It was cute but I was busy closing all my documents. Besides, it was not that important. I responded unknowingly but was cut after hearing the voice.

“No, it was my patient. She’s a cute kid” I looked up and God-, was that the biggest thing I regretted but enjoyed at the same time. The guy I waited for years was the same guy who didn’t want to hear anything that involves me. The guy who didn’t want to talk, approached me first with the same smile as if nothing happened. I don’t know what to feel nor what to say. It took whole 5 minutes of me trying to smile awkwardly.

“So, no hugs, internationally known surgeon who cured people around the world for the guy who is loved by his lovely fans?” You looked at me shocked but smiled as soon as I got back to my senses. Everything still remained vivid in your head when I thought it wouldn’t be.

I went up to you and cried in your embrace. The same warmth, it never changed even after all those years. “I thought you had forgotten” I tried to explain though it came out as short phrases because of my sobs. You held my head to nuzzle near your neck and caressed my hair, patting in between.

“Thank you for waiting even in tough times. You did good, doctor”

[WEEKS LATER]

Yes, it just had been weeks. Everything was good but turned downhill soon after. I don’t know what’s hitting on you because you just turned.. off.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?” I yelled after you constantly trying to ignore me. “Wow, so now you’re deaf?” I exclaimed as I held on to your arm and making you turn around and face me.

“You wouldn’t understand anyway!” Loud shoutings were just everything that was heard in the room. I am patient but was frustrated that moment you took on that dumb decision.

“So now I was wrong here? YOU QUITTED THAT FKING JOB OF YOURS BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT? YOU FELT BORED? The world doesn’t adjust for you! It’s not like you are the reason why the Earth revolves! It’s not easy to find a new goal and get it as soon as possible!” I expressed all my thoughts because things weren’t matching up. Who the hell leaves something just because he or she was bored? I felt like there was something more to it but why do you seem so nonchalant about it? It was that easy of a decision to make?

“SHIT!” You grabbed the vase and smashed it on the floor. That shocked me. I was clearly shaking yet I tried to stand by my point.

“Why did you come back here anyway?” I felt the world stopped. No, because he was actually true. Why did I come back here? Expecting that the love of my life would be the same even when it had been years he didn’t bother to call? Even after all these years, the guy I waited for would remain the same? After all the dating issues, he would stay irrelevant and think of me every day? I was just a surgeon not even known worldwide. Who am I to him?

“You’re right. I’m nothing to you anyway.” I packed up quickly placing all of my clothes unorganized. It was easy to get into someone but how is leaving not the same?

You tried calling me out but I left due to my blind optimism over the week. I came back to Korea but you soon got me with all those sorry. That was just a single moment that left a scar on me deeply. But now that I think of it, I was used to it because you were an on and off switch

The first day of a week you asked me out on a date then suddenly you claimed to have forgotten about it. You’d tell me how much you loved me, yet add me to the list of traitors who wouldn’t understand a single thing. It was basically just a love or leave me game of yours. It went on for months that I was tired of it. Sick of everything else but you suddenly turned nice again. I waited for the moment you would hate me as usual but it never came by. Was it because you finally realized how much you had hurt me or were you trying to be nice because you were planning a sudden break-up. Maybe a Dear Jane letter? I was scared because I feel like it was more of the latter.

But after all the overthinking, another unexpected thing came by. You spoke the words:

“I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through after everything I’ve done. It hurts so bad and I don’t want to see you taking all that pain anymore. I never had forgotten about you not even a single bit of my life. I made decisions that could lessen your pride and was also close-minded with all your opinions. But my love for you stays true which is why I wanted to stop seeing you cry. The only tears I’ll ever allow you to shed is the one I needed all my life. The words I wanted to wait for you on. This might be the most clichè thing you’ll ever see, but will you marry me?”

I could never get over that preparation of yours. Because who’d knew you were actually into those surprises? I looked at the ring and smiled at it. How precious this is to me. But time surely passes by fast.

Looking at myself in a white gown, we passed by on lots of obstacles but it felt like yesterday even though it took even years to convince my mother and bless the marriage. She allowed but was forced to.

I still remembered how my mom used to hit me several times every day just to understand if there was something wrong with my head, but apologized soon after because she believed my father was watching from heaven. Mom had many beliefs and one of them was to ask my father whether to accept me. She used to tell me with not a missing day left aside, “run as fast as you can”. Up until now, I find it too hilarious.

“Aren’t you rushing too much? You’re still nineteen” the one who placed my natural makeup on, whispered in my ear.

That was what I was scared of. I was anxious about getting hurt at 19 what more if I was getting married then it went downhill when I was 19? But you were a risk I was willing to take every day, so why not? I know you’ll stay true to your words, I just know so.

“No” I responded short and smiled at myself for acting so brave with my thoughts. I went out of the hall and looked up to my mother who was dressed up so nicely. Sure, the girl who took time dressing me up, definitely did not say she wouldn’t attend if I marry Minho. I sarcastically remarked at her logic.

“So where’s that guy? It’s been 15 minutes since the guests have arrived!” She placed her hand on her hip and tapped her feet on the floor impatiently.

“Ma, he will arrive” I assured my mother and hugged her after I saw a glimpse of tears on her face. Of course, she raised me, and to finally see me with a guy who will take care of me then, she would be brought into tears. She told me once, before the wedding starts, all her thoughts including how she was sad about me leaving but happy about me finding and receiving the love I am willing to fight for. She doesn’t show it as much but she knows how much of a good guy Min is.

“You’ll be Mrs. Lee minutes later!” I found Lisa near the entrance and hugged her. “I told you we would have the same last name years ago!” she continued

Minutes came by and indeed you look handsome in a tux. Everything was worth the wait. You were worth waiting for. We’ve said our vows that express our love would remain until forever runs out, and it was truly you and I together against the world.

[PRESENT]

At least that is what was supposed to happen.

Your dumb-ass mind left me hanging and crying on the white dress. Everything was prepared and you suddenly decided not to show up? You were claiming you had forgotten? What kind of excuse is that? You were no doubt an expert on saying sorry. Just because, you were an exception when it comes to me not being forgiving. Just because, you’d know how to get me back. With a single smile, sorry, that’s it! My mind would start to revolve once around you, playing hide and seek or chase. I was always the one chasing and I’m tired of having to run a hundred miles just to get that love I wanted, which you never wanted to give anyway. It’s all you and your sick need of giving love and taking it away.

Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in a white dress who was supposedly having fun on her grand day, went away and started crying? I should’ve followed what my mom said. You should’ve known and I should’ve seen. I was played, you were the one who controlled the game.

“Where will you take me, Alice?” Truly, it’s hard to have feelings for a guy who is the brother of your best friend. If things go wrong, then clearly your friendship is over.

“To him” you responded shortly, tightening your grip on my wrist.

“Stop. I don’t want to go.” I forced her hand off me and whined in a frustrated manner because clearly, you screwed up Alice.

“Could you please stop?! I’m sick of this! He doesn’t have to hide it forever!” You looked away and continued dragging me as soon as I stopped. Hiding what now?

I don’t know what to say when I meet you. Scratch that, I didn’t even want to meet you anymore. Because what if this habit of mine comes up and actually accepts you? I’m tired of it but there’s just something that makes me want to hold onto the love or something that isn’t in you anymore.

You took me in a place so questionable as you stopped and cried. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and yet you say it was the right place. That can’t be, right? How did this happen? Shaky hands, dry throat, words don’t come out my lips. “I’m sorry” I didn’t know why that was the only thing that escaped from my tongue. I did not accept it yet because I belived that wasn’t reality.

Lisa took me to a hospital in which I saw you laying down, unconscious.

I could do nothing but curl down. I was hurt but I never did ask for this. “Alicia, since when?”

“The doctor told me he had cancer way before you went back to Korea. This is why he didn’t want me to talk about you because he gets hurt and couldn’t even imagine what you would do in lengths just to cure him. He used to joke about how you loved him the same way he did. Side effects? Memory loss, sudden mood swings. You know, he was the same guy you knew in the past. Except, he had gotten braver of leaving you behind just so you wouldn’t get into more pain as to seeing his condition. He was very open but he thought of decisions way better when it comes to you than of himself. He loved you every single day of his life and I do know how he misses your touch, crying himself to sleep. He faced a much harder life, missy. As to the wedding, he said he had forgotten about it but it was more due to the reason of having a husband that wasn’t able to take care of until the end of the world, when he promised you to. It was because of a guy not being able to see you getting known worldwide nor exposing you in all medias, when he wanted you to. It was because of a man who simply wanted you to be happy, because he needed that too.”

This is the point where my world started to crash. It wasn’t you who should’ve known. It was me. I should’ve been there at times you need someone to rely on. I based on my selfishness and need for love, not knowing that what I need was the thing that kept me from hurting. I’m sorry for misunderstanding. I’m sorry for making things harder for you. I’m sorry for not opening up all my thoughts about you. I’m sorry because I left you fighting against the world, and I stood by just watching. I felt as if I was the person who was miserable and yet it was you who was trying to act tough.

Lisa continued to tell all those hidden words of yours “I even remembered the time he continued blaming himself for hurting you but concluded that it was everything that he could do. His situation isn’t something that can be fixed and he knows about that even if he wasn’t told about the months he have left. He told me that once you come back and see how bad of a person he is for leaving you all alone and asking you to wait, I am allowed to tell you everything once you’ve moved on.” The girl I’m talking with continued crying filling out the silence I make.

It was a shock and seeing you were the only thing that made me cry deeply. I couldn’t breathe as my chest weighed heavily. I grasped my shirt as I was desperately needing to calm down. But none of this sight made me calm down. I understood the situation I did, but it was too far, in reality, to keep it in check. You were unconscious and Lisa wanted to let me see you before your last breath. Standing up, I cried up to you.

“Idiot” I sniffed, Trying to act strong and let it all out but that’s everything I could only say. “You said our story was cliché. What happened to the true love’s kiss that wakes one up?” I kneeled down and held your hand with the ring that was encircling your fingers. I felt the cold air as tears continued flowing. I kissed your hand and gulped, crying helplessly. Is there really nothing I could do?

“The last time he saw you were way back you were able to smile again. He said it was a blissful sight to see and he would be happy even if that were to be the last time.” Lisa explained and cried her heart out as well after seeing such a painful sight.

“You do know you can see me every day right? Wouldn’t that be nice?” I tried to persuade an unconscious body who can’t hear my words. “Hey, wake up” I clasped our hands together and entwined both. “I’m here, so wake up. I’ll be with you until the end okay?” The volume of my talks gradually decreases but I still believe you can open your eyes up. I know so. I know that at this very time you could still see me and hug me, letting me feel the same warmth I needed once again. “I’ll be with you and it’s still going to be you and I against the world. Cliché right? I know you’ll never miss a chance to tease me when I take that cheesy statement. So please do. Please wake up and talk to me once again. I am here for you.. always and forevermore”

I closed my eyes and heard the beeping of the machine. I looked at you and the monitor that showed a single, straight line. I sighed deeply and my heartbeat is everything I could hear. Repeating your name, demanding you to wake up but all I could do at the end of the day is being so helpless. Even my optimism couldn’t change my mindset yet I was hopelessly begging to see your loving eyes as Lisa and the other staff held me out of the ward for the doctors to take care and clean up everything.

I wished to see those eyes I never noticed years ago. I didn’t know whether it was my selfish act or optimism that kept me not noticing all those details but if only I could see those once again, I could’ve lessened your pain before you disappeared. I was wrong but even up to this end, I hope you know that I love you and forever will do, Min.

I see it all now that you’re gone, don’t you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole way home

[matchasprouts]

Our Little Secret - Chapter 5

[ finally updating this thanks to Bev's peer pressuring wjbfhwefewbfewj anyway self harm tw for this chapter ]

First || Next || Previous || Last

Jonah heard it first.

The clattering, the distinctive sound of someone trying to quietly make their way through an unknown environment.

His only available weapon was his cane- luckily, it was the good one that he brought from home- so he took it out of his office with him. His hip wasn’t giving him nearly as much trouble today, so he should be able to get a good few swings in before going down.

With this mindset, he still swung when he saw Irvin. He recognized him- he was also just aware that this could be the moment when Irvin decided it was time to kill him.

Irvin, to his credit, simply grabbed the cane and cut him short, readjusting his glasses with his free hand. “Hello to you too, darling. Your friend let me in.” Oh. Banky.

“Sorry,” Jonah replied, setting the bottom of his cane back down on the ground when Irvin released it. “You just scared me, that’s all,” he added, gesturing for him to follow him back to his office.

Apparently, judging by the look on his face, Irvin wasn’t expecting the wall of pinned bugs, or the messy state of the office, or the old pottery on the desk that Jonah had been dating when he’d arrived.

“I’d apologize for the mess, but I’m a historian, and I’ve never met one that was organized in a way that was tidy,” Jonah spoke up, moving past his murderous lover to get to his desk. “Well, usually I’m more clean than this. But we just got all of these in and I’ve been cataloguing them all day. If I have any hope to finish before the night is over, I can’t waste time cleaning.”

Huh. This was probably the most confident Irvin had ever seen him. It was like he wasn’t there anymore as Jonah returned to his seat and continued his work, hitting play on his stereo so his office was filled with soft music again.

Notably, he seemed to be listening exclusively to older songs, from the eighties and older. Maybe he had a homemade cassette or CD in there? Irvin couldn’t see the stereo well enough to decide which it would be.

“Well, I apologize for interrupting you,” he spoke up finally, only getting a hum of acknowledgement from Jonah, “but I did come to speak with you about something.”

“It can’t be more important than my work,” Jonah suddenly said, not taking his eyes off the pitcher in front of it as he slowly turned it, his gloved hands not leaving a single mark. “If it was, you would be acting like it.”

Who knew he was good at reading body language? “I just wanted to ask-”

“About my scars? You can ask, but I probably won’t answer.”

… That was fair enough. After all, they hadn’t known each other for long, and Irvin did kill a girl right in front of him. If he were in Jonah’s position, he wouldn’t trust him either.

“I understand,” Irvin replied, pulling a chair up in front of the historian’s desk. “I was just… curious if they are part of the reason for you being so jumpy. I didn’t get a good look at them-”

“Irvin?” Jonah spoke up, getting a “hm?” from Irvin. “Let’s not talk about this. I know you worry, but we’re not dating. I think you’ve made it clear that we only continue seeing each other because you need someone to fuck after a killing.”

That seemed to shut him up good this time. Partially because Jonah was right, but mostly because that nervousness that had shown to be a large part of his personality seemed to have melted away. He was in his comfort zone, and it was interesting for Irvin to see. He took a mental note of it, vaguely wondering if Jonah would take some control should they get together in here.

Jonah took the silence as a chance to return to his work, scribbling down some notes as he inspected the pottery in front of him.

They didn’t talk again until he was done and putting it all to the side to be set up in the museum later, in their small human section. When he was looking over them, propped up against one of the walls, was when Irvin came up behind him and grabbed him by the hips, pulling him against him.

Slowly, his arms snaked around his waist, and Jonah instinctively leaned into the warmth he radiated, despite his hesitation to even consider him a friend.

Irvin pressed his face against Jonah’s neck, pressing a soft kiss there. “I don’t want you to think I’m using you,” he muttered, pausing to reach up and pull his glasses off, to ensure they didn’t counter his warmth with their coldness. “I hope you understand that you’re more than that.”

Right. That wasn’t the first time he heard that. “Well, you haven’t killed me yet, I’d say that’s worth something,” Jonah replied, vaguely trying to lean his head away from Irvin but immediately giving up when the cold hit.

“I’m not going to kill you, Jonah,” Irvin replied, his voice suddenly hard and serious. “I will admit that I considered it when I met you that first night, but it hasn’t crossed my mind since.”

“Unless I tell someone, right? Unless I spill your secret? I’m not stupid Irvin.”

There was silence, before Jonah untangled himself from Irvin and moved away from him, quietly mourning the loss of warmth but knowing that he couldn’t let himself slip up.

“I can-”

“You’re not going home with me unless we’re having sex. I promise you, I’m not going to fall into any trap you leave for me. I already learned that lesson the hard way.”

God, now he was really curious about what happened to him.

Hm. Maybe there were psych records on him somewhere. It wouldn’t be hard to track down where he came from, see if he was ever admitted or went to therapy. Because if Jonah wasn’t going to tell him, then he would just have to put a little more work into figuring it all out.

“I need to head out,” Jonah suddenly spoke up, looking down at the clock he kept on his desk. “Before it gets too late and all. It was nice seeing you, really, but I’d prefer it if you let me know beforehand from now on.”

Admittedly, Irvin was loving this side of Jonah. He really did need to fuck him in this office and see if it changed his demeanour during sex too. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he replied, a slight teasing tone to his voice.

Before leaving, he tried to pull Jonah in for a kiss, but the historian turned away, leaving him to press a kiss to his hair again. “I do hope you’ll get more comfortable with me,” he whispered, squeezing his hip slightly. “I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.”

And then he left, leaving Jonah to gather him things and head out for the walk back to his home.

As soon as he got inside, it all came crashing down. The anxiety, the fear. He was comfortable in his office, his job, but anywhere else was different. And now he was realizing what he’d said to Irvin- a man he’d watched bludgeon a girl’s head in with a fucking hammer- and was now sure he was going to die when Irvin got bored of him.

In a panic, he sent several apology texts to him. He then almost had a breakdown over it and proceeded to pass out on the couch after being on the verge of tears for about an hour.

He was fully aware that people would ask about the bite marks now covering his hands, but at least he could pretend he was attacked by an animal when he covered them in bandages in the morning.

The pinging of his phone fell on deaf ears, since Irvin apparently got back to him after his body knocked him out to avoid a full blown panic attack.

He didn’t even look at it when his alarm shocked him awake, his focus instead going to the dull stinging in his hands.

There was blood on his couch, but he knew how to get it out, so he got up to shower first. The water hurt when it hit the wounds, but he genuinely didn’t care. The towel hurt too, and so did the substance he put on them to help heal them.

And then he bandaged them up with quick and skilled motions, like he’d done it a million times before.

Which, he had. This wasn’t new to him. He knew himself too well to forget how to tend to himself.

Admittedly, he tried not to go for his hands. He needed them to be mobile, even if they did tend to be shaky. But he wasn’t thinking straight last night. He’d been terrified that Irvin was going to change his mind and decide he was too much of a hassle to live.

That was when he finally checked his phone.

There were several texts from Irvin reassuring him that he’d done nothing wrong, and there was no need to apologize.

Luckily, unlike times where he texted his old friends, there were no texts asking if he’d hurt himself. How would Irvin possibly know it was a relapse? He couldn’t. He refused to tell him.

He let out a heavy sigh as he turned off his phone before getting dressed and making himself some coffee to go, heading out for work as soon as physically possible so he couldn’t sit there and stew.

By the time he got to work, he had a full story planned out in case anyone asked why his hands were wrapped. It was an animal attack- it had gotten loose in his house and he’d been injured by the time he got it out. He was perfectly fine, it was acting normal, and he’d thoroughly cleaned the wounds.

He was aware that he found it all too easy to lie like that, but strangers didn’t need to know that he hurt himself when he was upset.

That wasn’t their business.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t going to be so easy to lie to Irvin.

[thelastyetfabolousmidwestmadman]

That One Fanfic Idea I Had That Was Too Fucked Up For Me

So picture this.

Your watching Highschool DXD with your mother. It’s weird I know but my mom has done much more disgusting stuff so it seems rather normal in comparison... 

No? You Don’t want to picture it?

Kay, now stop picturing it, cause you’re either squicked out or have issues so imagine just watching alone, with a friend, or if good fortune strikes you the best girlfriend/Boyfriend ever.

But lets talk about YOU.

You are a lonely depressed coed, who straight out of high school suffered one of the most painful experiences of your life. The one you love the most just broke up with you for reasons you don’t understand or can comprehend at the time. 

For brevity’s sake I won’t tell the cause of what happened between me and my ex. I think some things should remain private and everyday I’m regretful for how I acted and wish that things could have gone differently. That is the past now and it should only be revisited to show how much you changed for the better.

You present yourself a mask of happiness when in reality you are in so much pain you are genuinely considering suicide but in a attempt to keep your mind off the pain, you listen to music that you never liked before because what you loved reminds you of them, and most importantly you watch shows that you previously had no interest in due to a desperate attempt to feel something, anything.

Its been nearly four years since that happened and some things are better but the scars still bleed deeply in the sides of my cerebrum. Today while I still have many issues and I wont pretend to have them together, but with the passing of time wounds become less salted and eventually will heal. Parts of myself I lost I’ve regained and that has made me proud but in other ways my trauma made myself break in two more then shatter. I may never be the same again but that doesn’t mean I could be something new or better.

Some of you might me wondering, “Why Madman, why are you talking about this now.” Well if there is one positive thing I can say about what happened is that it made ma a better writer. I now take my time, and don’t stress out about due dates. Since I experience one of the worst experiences of my life, I could greater write and understand the pain, sadness, and fears the characters I adapted experienced. I guess talent increases through suffering and struggle. I guess the best I can say was before I wrote like a child who hears a song and only focuses on the feelings in their simplistic form while now the adult who has life experience and sense the greater meaning.

But even now I still have so much to learn, and improve from! Sometimes I look at both my ongoing and old work with a equal measure of fondness and disappointment knowing what I know now. Even after the tragedy, I wrote in stasis for a while and works like Goodbye Innocence could have started less like a soup opera and be better for it. But suddenly I had a ephinany. I couldn’t allow myself to keep my writing at this level with the lackadaisical attitude I had before. I had to try harder! And that meant  updating less and taking my time to get back in touch in why I loved writing so.

Then it hit me. The childish magic and wonder I got from writing hasn’t left me at all, even at my lowest most pathetic moments. There are people better then me and instead of repeatedly getting down on myself, I accepted my limitations and regained my enthusiasm that I thought lost. 

But briefly over a period of twenty months my mind sorta went to a dark, bitter place and I sorta gave in into nihilism and despair. I kept thinking about Deconstructionism in general and what it could be applied. As you could guess, my mind landed on one show in particular.

So I kept stretching out my mind, in a rather feverish pace, thinking about how could I turn Highschool DXD dark? I mean the show is literally nothing but fanservice and tame ultraviolence how can anyone possibly make that edgy? Even without Funimation’s help the show is so ludicrous how could anyone take a dark fic seriously?

Well... Unfortunately for my sins, I came up with one.

I thought about Issei when I got to the Diadora Asteroth part. I thought about how hypocritical he could be at times considering how he tried to influence Gasper into stopping time in order to fondle unknowing women, which is pretty much beyond comedic anime perversion and more Diadora levels of sexual predation. 

Granted, I’ve long since learned that if you spend all the time thinking about the unfortunate implications of jokes, plotlines, and character arcs, particularly in politically astute context like myself, you’re quickly drive yourself crazy and be unable to enjoy any work of fiction ever. There are some that are admittedly more egregious than others but author’s intent, values dissonance/resonance, and alternative implications are important to examine as well. Life is too short to turn into a zealot and their are other social-economic problems that require requisitely radical solutions like Medicare For All, Reparations, BDS, etc that are more important to focus on then minor shit like this but anyway why the fuck am I rambling, you didn’t read this far to hear me pontificate on politics, back to the point.

TRIGGER WARNING from this point onwards

So the idea goes like this. The girls of Rias’s harem fall in love with Issei just like in canon. But what if said love is only due to Ddraig’s influence? What it Issei now had a excuse and means to justify his perversions and channel them into outright sexual and emotional abuse?

Yeah I don’t particularly feel like going further into what I entailed other than saying that it got really graphic and disturbing. So why you may ask, why would someone who was infamous for his rape fics be unable to write this of all things?

I couldn’t stomach it.

The amount of talent required at the time was beyond me and I think it’s beyond me even now but lets pause for a second and really think about this. This is something that I have no experience but sadly too many people do. IF I got even the most single fact wrong, I simply wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

Even worse, the part that I would be at most knowledgeable about, the emotional aspect of abuse, would bring up memories that I would rather not think about.

You don’t like fics like this out of passion or joy, you write them out of sheer artistic conveyance to a particular issue. You write them cause you are in pain. You write them to punish yourself. You write them to reveal a dark part of yourself you suppress with thousands of years of civilization and morality. It would be an all around miserable experience for everything.

And why would I do that to myself and others? That is not the sign of a healthy mindset and it is counterproductive to the reason I write dark fics in general.

So I am happy to toss this idea in the bin. I can’t stop anyone from doing this idea, all power to you, but I don’t want to read it. Perhaps my curiosity would get to the better of me.

Either way, I say goodbye to this fic, and hopefully this painful period of my life.

Peace.

[fyeah-bangtan7]

j-hope: “Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world”

On April 28, j-hope streamed a Log ( ON ) video of his dance warm-up on BTS’s YouTube channel, BANGTANTV. Over the course of an hour and four minutes, he stretches out his whole body, gradually advances from small motions up to big movements, and demonstrates more of his other techniques. And he didn’t leave out his cooldown exercise, either. This has been j-hope’s life as a BTS member for the past seven years.

A whole lot happened this year. j-hope: Like I said in another interview, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. It started out with our performance at the Grammys, which was really, really, great, and then Map of the Soul: 7 came out, which was great, too, and then it plummeted. With COVID-19 happening, I did a lot of thinking, did some studying, then everyone met “Dynamite” and we had some great results. And the ride repeated. Roller coasters are scary, but you keep thinking about them even after you get off. That’s how I felt about this year: it was scary, but memorable.

One of those memorable things must be how “Dynamite” topped the Billboard Hot 100 but you never had a chance to actually go to the U.S. j-hope: So when we got first place, we couldn’t even check the charts. We were asleep. We checked when we woke up, and there we were, at the top. But then we went straight to work. (laughs) We had to film something here in Korea. It was hard to enjoy ourselves, the whole situation being what it was, but it was all right because we could still enjoy it together.

You must have had a lot on your mind, making BE during this kind of year. j-hope: I tend to think of BTS albums as being a reflection of the whole team, but this time I thought of it as putting in the stories I wanted to tell, making it my music and infusing myself into the new album while still being a BTS album. It turned out to be right at home with BTS’s color, and the whole team’s energy led to an even bigger synergy.

What made you think to go in that direction? j-hope: We started this album off by getting together and asking what kind of story we wanted to tell. The end result of that conversation was, “Well, hey, we still have to live with this situation; we can’t give up.” And from there, “Life Goes On” was born, and then we got to work on the stories we each wanted to tell. I think it sounds more raw, since we tried to capture the emotions we felt living through the pandemic.

I imagine you each had a lot of songs you wanted to include, and that your opinions were probably all a bit different. How did you compromise on the final product? j-hope: None of us made any kind of plan. We’d listen to a track and someone would ask, “Hey, anybody wanna give this a try?” and someone else would say, “Me! I’ll do it.” We just did it that way. There were clashes, too. When each person starts to speak louder, it’s hard to find a common ground. But we’ve always been good at communicating with one another, and we know when to back down or be gracious, so everything went smoothly including planning for the unit songs.

How did each of you choose your songs? You put “Dis-ease” on the album. j-hope: There’s one song where we were working in the studio and someone said, “That track wasn’t very good, was it? Jung Kook’s one before was better” and we’d switch on the spot. The song would be done recording and we talked to the label and ended up switching it out. We listened to it all together and said, “What about this?” And that’s how we decided. So then “Life Goes On” was done, and I wasn’t sure if “Dis-ease” would be on the album. We gave the seven songs from each member to Jimin, who was project manager, and he suggested we listen to them first and then get feedback from people inside the company. I think it was one of the stories each member could feel was his own.”

Where did you get the idea for the theme of “Dis-ease”? j-hope: First, I wanted to get into the mindset that this song is a sickness. When I make a song, I work on the chorus first, and then move onto the first verse. When I had only finished the chorus the song felt upbeat, but I thought the overall theme shouldn’t be too playful. That wouldn’t reflect how I felt. But while the theme of “Dis-ease” itself isn’t very light, when it fuses with the beat, it feels as if the song is trying to get over itself and stay positive. So I threw some scratching into the chorus and put in some “bbyap bbyap bbayp” and then started to think, “Aha! I’d better call this song ‘Dis-ease.’ ”

I didn’t expect you to write a song portraying your love–hate relationship with your work as a disease. A lot of people would expect you to have a positive, hopeful attitude, given your name. j-hope: I was too busy to ever give much thought about the work itself. But, as you know, that suddenly changed, and there was a lot we could no longer do. When I was working, I’d say, “Ugh, I need a break,” but then we took time off and the words, “Ugh, I want to work,” jumped out of my mouth! That’s what made me think more closely: “Why is this bothering me? I have a chance to rest—just take it. Why do I feel like I need to work under these circumstances? Is this an occupational disease?” I felt like this was a part of me that I could express at this point in time.

This is the first time in your lyrics I’ve heard how hard you push yourself to be successful. It made me wonder about the burden you felt about work over the past seven years. j-hope: Out of habit, I would say, “I’m okay; I have hope,” and keep working, but I think I was just avoiding my work-related problems rather than facing them head on. The nice thing about music is that I can say what’s on my mind, even feeling of sadness or depression, in beautiful ways. I don’t usually express those feelings but this time I wanted to try.

It sounds like you have lots of different thoughts about work. j-hope: With my work? Well, actually, I’m not sure. Work is kind of an ugly duckling. Work gives me good energy but there’s energy you get from resting. But someone like me feels alive when they’re working, so I need to keep moving and keep doing. I feel anxious when I stop and content when I go. Every once in a while I don’t want to work, but I can’t not work.

You’re saying you and work go well together? j-hope: Exactly. It’s easier just to think simple. If you think too hard, that’s when things get difficult. Because I’m me, I can’t just keep it simple all the time, but I’m trying my hardest to do my best.

Thinking simple isn’t always so simple. j-hope: Yeah. Maybe it’s because I don’t have many problems to deal with. I feel uncertainty because of that. Uncertain about how my identity will be affected if I do encounter some great hardship.

BTS has faced a lot of hardship, though, right? j-hope: That is also true. (laughs) But the team wouldn’t have kept going if it’d just been me cheering ourselves on. We’re possible because we all think the same way. I wonder if we would’ve been able to come this far if it was just me saying, “Let’s go, guys!” That’s why I’m even more thankful to the other members.

What do those emotional changes affect your music? j-hope: I didn’t want to make an overly cheery song this time. I thought it would be best to do some softer songs about the way I was feeling this whole time, so I chose “Dis-ease” as well as “Fly to My Room.” The other members also thought, “Yeah, we’ve done a lot of bright songs, so it should be fine if we try it this way, too.” “Blue & Grey” is like that, too. I love that song.

You have a completely different voice when you rap on “Blue & Grey.” Did your rap style also change, along with your emotions? j-hope: I wanted “Blue & Grey” to sound like I was talking, actually. The tone and feel of my voice changes a lot depending on how I vocalize my rap. I noticed that a lot this time. Namjoon actually helped me a ton. His part was after mine, so I turned to him and said, “Maybe it would sound better if I did it like this,” and tried it out. Then I used his advice and found the right sound.

How does it feel moving away from your normal style? j-hope: It’s really refreshing. I thought it wouldn’t work but I think it did after all. And I always thought this was a feel that I wanted to give it a try. For me, BE is sort of like the first step down an unfamiliar path, so there were parts that were challenging, and also parts that were a welcome change.

I think your rap in “Dis-ease” demonstrates that change well. Instead of trying to keep time in the intro, your flow just follows the story. j-hope: I made sure not to overthink anything this time. It ended up sounding natural because I just matched the rhythm of the words as they left my mouth. And it was refreshing because I haven’t done a long verse like in “Dis-ease” in forever. When we rap, there tend to be four or eight-ish lines; I thought I’d try and pack in a verse with sixteen. It also helped because the lyrics came out before many of the other things for this song.

The music makes “Dis-ease” sound upbeat, but then there’s a surprising message: “To be honest, I have this problem.” It’s like you were holding yourself back from crossing a line. j-hope: It was something like that. Shouldn't we stay on this line? Maybe that’s a disease too (laughs). I thought if j-hope leaned too much to one side people might think that’s strange, too. That’s why I tried to stick to my standards, but since I’m also human I also expressed emotions I couldn’t articulate into music.

You don’t want to try and cross that line? j-hope: I’ve thought about it, obviously. I want to, but in my life itself and in my mind, I always think if there’s a line, it shouldn’t be crossed. But I’m becoming more generous to myself about crossing lines when it comes to music.

So you haven’t crossed yet, but right now you want to say, “I have something else,” and go further. j-hope: Yes. This is maybe a time when I really need to. I’ve been lucky because I met great people, had success and reached where I am now. Now that I’m here, I always want to try new things myself and keep growing. That’s why I’m working hard and thinking about what kind of music I should make.

There’s a part in “Fly to My Room” where you sing, “You can change the way you think.” It’s like you were explaining the past seven years of your life. j-hope: It all depends on how you look at it. Say there’s some kind of food. You might feel lonely while eating it by yourself, but if you forget about your loneliness for a minute and think, “There is no difference in food I would be eating out (with other people) anyway,” then it’s just like eating out. So even though I was stuck feeling lonely at home, I started to think of it as another trip instead. I thought of my room as my world, and delivery food as a three-star hotel meal. As you can tell from the title, I worked on that song by thinking about the way I endured this year so far.

And why did you decide to “change the way you think?” j-hope: Because I get a lot of love. Because I’m in this position and in this place, there’s things I have to deal with, and I should do things and think things I am able to bear. I thought about that a lot and accepted it. So I thought about what I could do during these hard times, and how I could help out my friends, my team. I think I’m still going through that process, too, so everything’s an “-ing”, because I might need to know what to do later about what I can do, even if I don’t quite know it yet.

What effect does being surrounded by so much love have on you? j-hope: It’s amazing to be loved by even one person. Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world. And I know this isn’t something to take for granted. I’m so incredibly thankful that sometimes I feel overwhelmed just thinking, ‘Wow, how can I ever return this much love?’ I want to express that in any way possible, every moment I can, because I’m so honored to be so loved that I can’t begin to put it into words.

A little while ago, in an interview with Rolling Stone India, you said that, when you were young, you equated debuting with success. What does success mean to you now, now that you’ve had success after success? j-hope: Success … It’s a simple idea, but it can weigh on you. In all aspects of life, I think success means being satisfied with what you’re able to do.When you lose faith in your work and it starts becoming a chore, that’s when it starts to get depressing.

There are inevitably times when you can’t enjoy it. j-hope: It’s just, you know, it’s really simple. If you can’t do it now, you can always do it later. Do that, and you can put your mind at ease. And I think that’s the secret to living a long, happy life. Anything you can’t do in your 20s, you can just do in your 40s. Of course, there’s going to be stuff you should do now while you’re still (laughs) energetic. But if that’s the position you’re in right now, you just have to ride it out. Try again later if you can’t enjoy yourself now. You’ll probably feel different in the future anyway. Yeah, that was pretty much the key to my self-preservation.

Where do you find the strength to hold on like that? j-hope: From the group, it’s very clear what that is. It’s our fans. ARMY. We had to pull through, for the fans. At any time of any day, the fans come first. I keep thinking about how painful it would be for the fans if we just gloss over something or feel like giving up just because we’re having a hard time. I was 20 when we made our debut. I didn’t know much about having a social life, but the messages our fans sent were a big comfort and gave us hope. I learned a lot just by reading fan letters and understanding the kind of thoughts they had. Fans and artists really are one and the same.

That makes me think of a line from “Life Goes On”: “People say the world has changed but thankfully between you and me, nothing has changed.” j-hope: Yes, right. I thought that line expressed the feeling really well as soon as I first heard it. Yoongi wrote that. He is really good. (laughs) I think that describes our relationship with our fans.

© source

[mariaorsic]

The Importance, Role, And Power Of Our Subconscious Minds

We are all victims of some kind of bad programming. Some people were programmed to think they have God-given right to exploit, persecute, and dominate other people. Some were programmed to think they were born to be financially poor and serve “wealth”, by laboring from their young age to their caskets, and some were programmed to think they have genetic predispositions to be obese. In any case, we are all being powered by programs that are controlling our minds, which means informations and thoughts we adopt have absolute control over all areas of our lives (and bodies), from social life to financial incomes.

Since only one percent of the global population controls 97% of the money, it is not hard to realize most of us have grown up in poverty. Not just financial poverty, but all kinds of poverty that we can and usually are led to from the point of being or becoming financially poor.

Many marriages fell apart as a result of financial poverty. Many children stopped daring to dream or chase their dreams. In fact, since children have highly suggestible subconscious minds active for most of the time, they are easily influenced by their impoverished, overly-cautious, bitter, discouraged, fearful parents. The aftermath?

Those children grow up into younger mental & characteristic replicas of their parents, which means that all kinds of poverty are inheritable.

Yet, 1% which controls pretty much everything we can imagine, from radio, music, and movie industry to pharma and military industry is giving their best to extinguish even our last will to “fight” for the creation of better, and healthier living standards. We are being bombarded with destructive information, thoughts, pictures, sounds (frequencies) all the time.

However, a partial cause of your poverty may be found in you. After all, you can change yourself. Start a journey into prosperity by reprogramming your (subconscious) mind. From now-on, FORGET opinions and thoughts about money and fortune which you inherited or adopted.

FIRST of all, money is NOT evil. It surely can be used for evil deeds, but it can also be used for noble deeds. Therefore, materials are neutral. The reason you must stop seeing money as evil is the change (improvement) of vibration (frequency, energy) your mind is operating at for most of the time, because everything, and everyone works, lives, and exists on a certain frequency. Poverty and fortune are not exceptions.

The frequency of a cold cocoa-milk mix is much higher than of the hot cocoa-milk mix. White and black ceramic cups of the same size and shape have different frequencies. Don’t believe me? Fine, make a test! Take two identical ceramic cups, one white, and one black. Fill them with the exact amount of water, and take a small teaspoon. Make a sound test! The difference will shock you. By the way, never ever use dark-colored dishes, clothes, etc.

Anyway, back to the point about the money. Once you realize that money is not evil nor is poverty noble, you will automatically start attracting greater opportunities into your life, because the frequency your mind operates at will skyrocket. Like attracts like. You will suddenly start finding yourself being in a harmony with (frequencies of) greater incomes.

SECOND, replace negative thoughts, opinions, and pictures with positive ones. Remember, subconscious minds accept all orders and opinions as “right”/”correct”, and “truthful”. Yes, you can remain focused on poverty that can be found in everyone and everything, and you can keep thinking about it forever, but that will not do you any good.

By embracing the same old thoughts you will find yourself repeating the same old actions (that are being called “habits”), and you will find yourself “manifesting” the same old results.

Therefore, build a new habit of being focused on building a positive, courageous, determined, and focused mindset, that will deliver you into a new spiritual realm/level, on which your character will be unrecognizable.

I suggest you avoid “negative” people because no matter how positive you are, after seven minutes of being in their presence, your mind will enter a harmonious state with their minds.

So, if you are an optimist who deals with a single pessimist at the time, your energy will decrease, his/her will increase.

If you are an alone optimist in a group of pessimists, you will become a pessimist, at least for a while, because their mental energy is dominant over yours.

If you are an optimist who is surrounded by negative family members, try to avoid them. Spend more time in nature (trees can lift our spirits up), or exercising. Build an iron mindset by constant repetition of positive affirmations, and try to concrete the following idea to your mind: “Other people cannot affect me. I am the captain of my mind.”. That idea really helped me, because, for a long period of years, I was able to be positive only when alone. Whenever a negative, drama-stricken mind would enter my presence, I would lose the ground and begin to sink into the old, negative, and destructive mindset. I highly suggest the teachings of Dr. Joseph Murphy who claimed it is insanity to let other people affect your mind.

THIRD: you must realize, you are not your mind. Stop searching for answers and solutions in your mind or the outer world. If your mind knew any better, rest assured it would not create any problems in the first place. Your mind is the creator of all “problems” in your life. In fact, there are no “problems”, just “things” your mind calls problems. Once you quit letting your mind have control over you, you will take the wheel.

Human beings live on three different plains of existence simultaneously:

A) Physical — Outer

B) Mental — Central/Middle

C) Spiritual — Inner

Instead of being subdued (dominated) by your mind, start paying attention to the inner voice. It is the voice of your soul. With a little practice, it could become immensely powerful. In fact, if you want to know yourself, you must start listening to your inner voice, instead of your mind (or the body). You are a spiritual being in a physical body.

Do not let the outer world control your inner world. Instead, create your outer world by following the orders of your Spirit (inner voice).

Therefore, each and every time your mind tries to stop you, discourage you, intimidate you, go back to affirmations and start reading them. The reprogramming process may last for a day, a year, or a decade. Do not hurry nor force the change to occur. After all, you’ve been programmed since your birth!

FOURTH: of immense importance is to stop listening to music/songs with negative lyrics that contain I-finite negative affirmations. For example, the song “Bitter Sweet Symphony”, by the band: “The Verve”.

“No change, I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change, but I’m here in my mold, I am here in my mold. But I’m a million different people from one day to the next. I can’t change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…”

You see, “the enemy” is sneaky and wise. Rest assured, he will not be direct and tell you to start repeating that you are poor, or brokenhearted. Instead, he will embed such destructive affirmations into a catchy and what seemed-to-be “positive” song.

When you begin to sing it, you are actually programming your subconscious mind, and therefore, creating/manifesting a negative reality. To think and speak negative, yet expect something positive to happen is insane. It is equal to jumping off a building and expecting to go up. The law never changes.

Therefore, start paying close attention to the lyrics of songs you like to listen to. Stop reading news, start avoiding pessimists, and ignore movies/videos that contain gore/explicit scenes, language, etc.

FIFTH: tune your music (preferably happy instrumentals) to 432 Hz.

Shortly; standard worldwide tuning 440 Hz, which is unnatural, and destructive. 432 Hz is natural. I strongly suggest listening to 432 Hz piano overnight (while sleeping). If you encounter bad dreams while listening to such melodies, start celebrating, because that is the first sign of mental cleanup. Your old, hidden, and consciously forgotten traumas are reaching the surface and dissolving.

[patchodraws]

Can I ask about Bees Musician please?

it was actually one of the first au’s i ever started, back in the spring of 2019!! i posted the first chapter back then but took it down promptly after bc i wouldn’t be updating it bc i became too busy and started other wips. the fic is about blake, a classical pianist with synesthesia, meeting yang, a rock guitarist who plays a song she recognizes in a way she can’t describe. i always keep it open bc i’m always slowly making my way through it every couple of weeks and i love this au bc it’s very personal to me! hopefully one day i’ll have enough to post!

snippet below!

That doesn’t stop her from halting at the sound of a chord breaking through the noise.

She pauses, listens more intently for that sound again, that soft guitar strum that drew her out of her focused mindset. Still noise for a moment, and then it comes again, though this time a new chord, a new colour; G, black but solid, comforting, and embraced by golden yellow.

Blake shifts her focus fully, unable to hear Sun calling to her as she drifts towards the source of the sound, the chords shifting into a palette of colours, of greens, of reds, of purples, and of gold. She stumbles over her steps as she moves towards the music, her lips almost giving way to a smirk when a soft voice joins the chorus, and suddenly she is more drawn to the song, hypnotised by a sound she’d not realised had been robbed of her for years, held from her grasp in favour of cold, colourless notes.

She stops several meters away from the sound, and she swears for a moment that if the music is enough to draw her in, the woman playing guitar and singing underneath the shade of a tree can keep her there, still and entranced by her beauty. Amber eyes study the singer, whose thick mane of gold is pulled into a messy bun above her head, and whose lilac eyes intensely study a notebook sitting in the grass in front of her; a guitar sits on her lap, balanced by her left arm and played by a prosthetic on her right.

And when she plays her next chord, Blake sees the purest symphony of colours, sees every single tone in her voice and from the guitar like colourful ocean waves washing against her feet, the threat of being dragged into the depths ever present but the gentleness of the sound a reassurance that she’s free not to be pulled in. It’s an invitation, and by god does she want to accept it.

Lilac joins the symphony of colours; there’s not a note to accompany it, just a quick glance from the woman under the tree. She clearly notices Blake, as when her eyes fall to her she offers an earthy smile, gentle and far more serene than it has any right to be, before her eyes fall back to her notebook.

"Blake!”

[nelllraiser]

old town road | jared & nell

LOCATION: some random street in white crest, and jared’s farm. PARTIES: @themidnightfarmer and @nelllraiser. SUMMARY: “i got the hellhounds in the back. bies tack is attached” and a reunion long in the making.

Alright. So perhaps she shouldn’t have fallen asleep in the middle of the park under a tree, but the sun had been so nice today, and Nell hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. Plus the park was peaceful. Or rather...it was peaceful until the thudding of a bass permeated it, birds scattering as the sound got closer. Nell woke with a start, not having been in all that deep of a sleep. What the fuck? Was that- Old Town Road blasting over from the street. Neven one to be particularly cheerful when suddenly awakened, she wasted not a single moment in stalking over to the truck in question, already yelling out accusations before she could even see who might be driving it. “Hey! Dumbass! Are you shitting me? This is public property!” No mind that she’d been party to many a loud car driving through the streets of White Crest, not caring in the least when it was she who was having fun by doing so. But was that a fucking tractor? “Hey!” she called out again, the sun blocking whoever was in the driver’s seat. “I’m talking to you! And Old Town Road is old news by now! Some of us are trying to sleep!”

Jared was truly singing his heart out as the songs on his tape -yes tape- played out. He was only listening to the music that loud to be obnoxious, the old boom box also just for added irritation, so when he heard the yelling he smiled a little. As he was squinting down from his seat he squeezed on the brake to stop the slow moving vehicle, taking his sweet time leaning over to turn the music down a notch so that he could actually hear the accusations. “What was that?!” he yelled down to the fuming girl. The top of her head was barely visible so he sat up a little straighter and peered over the side. He blinked. He blinked again. The third time he actually turned the boombox all the way down and rested his elbows on the steering wheel. “Is there...a bag yelling at me about noise?” he hollered down. Already itching with excitement and unable to stop himself pushing open the tractor door and sliding out. “Weird. It is a bag.”

The slower the man moved, the more heated Nell became, little fists balling up at her sides, all too ready to make this guy regret the very day he was born. But instead, the hands loosened in an automatic response to that voice, one she’d heard far more times than she could count over the years. Her expression went slack with shock before his face came into view, and then the effect was instantaneous. “JJ?” she asked, at a loss for words while she was being surprised with one of her best friends that she hadn’t seen in person for some five years. Once the shock wore off, a grin that took up the majority of her face was quick to find her lips, and a laughter of pure joy and surprise tumbled from her. “Jared!” she exclaimed, far too excited to see the man standing in front of her. It only took a fraction of a second for her to throw her arms around him, giving him no choice in the matter as she tried her best to squeeze the life out of him, not so much as pausing in her trajectory before making their collision come to fruition. She couldn’t even pretend to be insulted by the bag comments at the moment, pure eagerness overshadowing anything else— though she’d certainly get to those.

Jared had a wide smile of his own as she came to realize what he already had. He was momentarily glad the anger from before had washed away, as much as he liked a little bit of chaos about things he didn’t really want that to be the set mood for meeting again after so long. Jared was a little more solid than he was five years ago when she’d left, he’d grown a little taller and had a little more hair on his face. But the stumble from a hurtling Nell was so familiar it was impossible to avoid. A few steps back, but he took her with him. Laughing uproariously as she tried to rid the air from his lungs with her hug. “You’re back,” he said as if it hadn’t been years, and more like a few moments, as if she’d stormed out of his house and then remembered something and had come right back in. The years washed away and he laughed again at how absurd that thought was. She was definitely different from five years ago. He squeezed back, not as hard, but with the same feeling. Texting tiktok links back and forward wasn’t quite the same as this.

“You’re back!” Nell exclaimed, feeling like they were picking up exactly where they’d left off, like they’d never been apart in the first place. Now that the initial shock was through, she could really take him in. Her nose and eyes were still scrunched up with their smile, but now she was also squinting a little. Had his face always been that far away? Doing her own little test, she went back into the hug. No, no, this was definitely lower than where her face had landed in years past when hugging him. Leaning back again, she simply exclaimed, “Why did everyone get taller?! This isn’t fair?!” But there was more than just the height that had changed. “Do you have a beard?” Jesus, when had Jared become an actual adult? It was like someone had taken her best friend, and replaced him with a ‘what do they look like now?’ photo. Reaching up, she teasingly but gently plucked at a few of the hairs. “Sorry I didn’t grow one.”

“I think you being back is a bit of a bigger deal,” Jared pointed out letting the hug ease as she pulled backwards to look at him. “I was here most of the time and you weren’t.” he adds, his arms accepting the new hug before hearing the complaint and snorting at her. “Just because you’re a gnome in the making.” Jared knows it’s been a while, maybe they should be more awkward with each other, but it was just so easy to forget the time. His own hand runs over his cheek. “I don’t usually, just got lazy this last week.” he tells her as if that makes the existence of his sort of beard any easier to digest. Jared squints down at her and hums “Are you sure you didn’t?” bobbing his head up and down as if trying to see under her chin. It was all teasing, an easygoing test of how much had actually changed. She certainly had, she looked different than the eighteen year old that had left. “You changed too, beard or no.”

“Well-” Nell shrugged with a little head waggle, faking overconfidence as a joke, falling right back into old habits. “I can’t help it if I��m a big deal.” Of course, she was only teasing. “Still...I’m glad you’re back when I’m back.” They’d tried to see each other over the years, but it had simply never lined up between their messages and memes they’d sent. “A gnome?!” Her eyes went wide, obviously deeply indignant. “I’m not a gnome! And I’m also not a bag! I’m not a Katy Perry song about plastic bags, either!” Her words were each punctuated with authoritative pokes to his chest, as if the action would prove she was right. “I think it looks good,” she said with a bit of a shrug. “Look at you all grown up.” This time the words held a bit of a tease. “Finally went through puberty and all that. And I tried to glue some hairs on, but it just wasn’t the same.” How long had it been since she’d gotten to be such a fool around someone? With everything happening in town, it was as if Jared couldn’t have appeared at a better moment. “Well yeah- changing tends to happen to people. I don’t live in the body or mindset of a prepubescent boy anymore which is great.”

“You chose shit times to visit.” he accused lightly. “I live here and you choose the few times I go away for something, sounds like a pattern to me, sounds like you didn’t want to see me.” Jared turned his nose up. “I’m a delight I’ll have you know.” Each prod almost cracked his facade, until the song was mentioned and he started to warble the words teasingly down at her finishing with an “I don’t know, sounds biographical to me.” Jared rubs his hand over his facial hair once again before looking at Nell outraged. “I’ve been at this for a lot longer than you have, one of us has owned a house even before you left.” he reminds her before blinking. “Five years is a long time though, a lot has happened back at the farm you know Nell. Five years of mostly unnamed bonedoggles have come through.” Safer to just not comment on her body. He had the self preservation of a goldfish that had jumped out of it’s bowl, but he knew a losing battle when he saw one. 

“Or maybe you choose shit times to not be here,” she shot back, though her eyes were still shining with amusement. Always enjoying literally poking fun at him, and having been devoid of it for so long, Nell couldn’t help but also reach up to try and gently pinch his nose, as if in rebuttal to his words and joking, superior attitude. It was rather like a puppy who’d been reunited with their favorite chew toy. “If I’m a bag, you’re a suitcase. And not a nice one.” As he spoke of the farm, a wave of nostalgia hit her all at once, remembering all the memories she’d made there. But his initial tone made her stomach drop. Was everything alright, there? Certainly things had changed but...hopefully for the better, right? A wave of relief washed over her, and a rare giggle was pulled from her, feet pattering in place against the asphalt in anticipation as she shifted quickly from foot to foot, hands going straight into the air with her excitement. “Names! Bonedoggles! Can we go now?” Her eyes were wide, far too ready to commence to the next page of their story. “I can bring the boys!” Wait, he wouldn’t know the boys yet...would he? How strange to think of how different things were, but how exactly the same things felt between them. “Hellhounds! Three of them! And Greg, too!”

Jared wiggled his nose when she got a hold of it, flaring his nostrils and sighing heavily as if it would make her let go. With a pinched off nose his voice came out oddly as he said. “I’m too big to be a suitcase, I couldn’t even fit in a suitcase. And you just said you liked the scruff, so I’m a nicer suitcase than I used to be at least if I have to be one.” Nose released as the excitement took over Jared jerked a thumb over his shoulder “Get in loser, we’re going bo-dog naming.” Then he looked back at her and taunted “Need a boost shortie?” He paused when she mentioned bringing some other people, squinting at her like she’d lost it. His farm got less safe the more people were there to bother the animals, or more people for him to look out for, and she knew that, or he hoped she remembered. And then she clarified and he perked up. “Hellhounds! Genuine Hellhounds?”

Nell couldn’t help but laugh as his altered voice filled the air, and finally released him from her grip. “It’s not my fault you’re oversized. Mmmm, you’re a scruffy suitcase- which can be nice to some, but overall…still scruffy,” she teased. Another exuberant laugh, still high on being reunited and hearing his jokes once more was cut short by the second shoe falling. “I can climb!” she refuted heartily. And if she couldn’t, her tone said she’d die trying. And sure enough, she began to make her attempt at an ascent. “So do I get to drive?” Nell paused to look over her shoulder with half a smirk, wondering if he’d dare to say yes. “I’ve already got tons of name ideas, though. And yeah! I summoned them a while ago, and worked with them enough to get them to like me! It took a while but, definitely worth it. I’m sure they’ll love hanging out with the bonedoggles.”

Even he had to reach far to haul himself into his tractor, so her climbing attempts did little to show her prowess considering she wasn’t anywhere near grabbing the handle, nor reaching the first step. “You don’t get to drive, you get to sit on the boombox and obnoxiously tell me directions to my own house.” Jared said in a tone which suggested he was doing her  a massive favour. As he said this he put his hand under her hanging foot and pushed her upwards, giving her the boost she’d insisted she didn’t need even if now she could grab the handle of the door. “Do you want to go pick them up or want to come see the madness as it is at the moment first?...Where are you even living now you’re back?” So many questions came to mind, it might have felt like no time at all, but enough had happened. Nell had travelled far, they spoke about it a little while she’d been gone, but considering Jared was still where he always had been he’d run out of things to say in comparison quickly. There wasn’t a lot of story time when they’d both been busy. But now felt like the time to catch up. Back in the same place again for the first time in years. It felt good to be reunited with his best friend.

As with most things, Nell would die trying before admitting to needing help to climb the tractor. Already she’d grabbed onto a part she definitely should not have grasped based off of how hot it had been under her hand. “Alright, I’ll drive it home, then,” she said in the same tone as him, as if it were a given. “But I was serious. Old Town Road is old news now. Unless that’s what you were going for.” She made a surprised noise as she felt herself being lifted, but didn’t hesitate to climb the rest of the way up after the boost. “Thanks...I guess,” she said stubbornly, though also with that same air of a joke. “You couldn’t bear to see me perish with the tractor?” As for the hounds. “Oh- no, we can go straight to your’s! I can just Summon them once I’m there.” When they weren’t with Nell, the hellhounds lived their normal lives in their adjacent demon realm, though they sometimes slipped through to pay Nell a visit even without her magicking them there. “I’m living at Bea’s with her and Luce. You know- the house she got with my parents’.” Her tone was decidedly...neutral on the matter, living with your adult sisters not coming without its struggles. “Wait- but you haven’t even seen! Guess what my parents got me as part of me coming back!” She was glowing again, excited to see Jared’s reaction. 

“How else would I irritate people on my way to the store? It’s all by design Nell.” Jared told her with a solemn nod behind her that she couldn’t even see. Once she was inside the cab he made his own way inside, pulling himself up with a grunt of effort and hustling her to sit on the boombox. It was sturdy enough she wouldn’t tip it over easily. “My tractor wouldn’t survive taking a life, it’d be too heartbroken in the end. Can’t have that.” With that Jared turned the keys and the noisy machine rumbled back to life. They had to speak a little louder now, but once the door was closed it wasn’t too unbearable. “All sisters together huh?” He gave her a sideways glance. “That working out alright?” he threw in as casually as he could. He knew living with siblings was no walk  in the park a lot of the time, and he hadn’t done that without a parental mediator present. His eyes were flickering between Nell and the road as they drove up the street back towards his farm on the outskirts. “They got you….a new favourite nymph? I’m upset. Truly cut deep.” he guesses with a hand over his heart dramatically. 

Nell’s head shook in her amusement, glad to find that this part of Jared hadn’t changed in the least. Her own chaotic nature had always reveled in his tricks, taking part in far too many of them, herself. “If you ask me- I wouldn’t have been mad to also see some of those big, inflatable noodle men dancing on the back of the tractor.” The rumble of the tractor underneath her brought another, softer smile to her lips, the sensation of it bringing back a flood of warm memories shared with the man beside her. Just like that it felt like she was eighteen again, no responsibilities to think of. “We can’t have that,” she echoed, suddenly at peace with where she and Jared had found themselves, and the feeling that whatever bad thing that might be waiting for her out in the world couldn’t touch them. “Mhm, all sisters together. It’s been...interesting. I don’t know- you know how Bea and I have always been. And-” With what Luce had witnessed between her and August, the ground was somewhat uncertain there, as well. Even though Luce had supported her. “It’s just different. But I guess we’re managing,” she finished with a lackluster chuckle. She didn’t want to think about that, though. Not when Jared was here, and everything felt like it was shining and good. “Well- yes to the nymph but- that’s not what I was going to say,” she said, grinning at his theatrics before jokingly picking up the hand he’d placed on his chest and putting it back on the tractor. “Two hands on the wheel,” she teased, not actually minding in the least. “But they built me a greenhouse! My own greenhouse!” 

“I’ll think about it, Don’t want anything the animals could potentially destroy and be a waste of money. I need some good durable irritations.” Jared reminded her with a snort. He could just imagine those inflatable men meeting a sticky end on the wrong side of a set of teeth. His eyes flickered over to watch her face as she explained how living with her sisters had been since she got back. “Well, the farm’s a big place still if you want to crash anytime,” Jared offered offhandedly. Not only would it be good for her to have that familiar setting to escape to again, but also he was forced into a kind of solitude with the high gates and the strongest locks in place. He was guarding precious livestock, but that same livestock stopped it being safe for people who were unaware to come visit. None of his beasts had ever phased Nell much however, he was lucky she was just as invested as he was in some creatures just without the otherworldly ties. “Tractor goes so slow it’s hardly a risk, I’m even sober!” he argued, but kept his hands where they were anyway, having been denied a moment more of the drama. “Oh damn, how big? What are your plans? I assume you’ve got plans right? Irrigation system? Is it big enough for an irrigation system? Ack what am I saying any system can be forced small enough where needed.” Jared asked question after question looking at her curious and excited. “Do you need cuttings? My crops aren’t in the best health they’ve ever been but they managed the winter alright, they’ll perk back up now I’m home, you can cut from them as soon as next week!”

“But what if they were detachable,” Nell continued to joke. “Purely for ornamental going into town purposes. And then you could stow them away when you’re not using them. But if you’re after more durable irritants, it’s lucky you found me, isn’t it?” She certainly wasn’t about making some vaguely self-deprecating jokes at times. His offer for the farm brought another warmth to her chest, remembering all the times she’d found herself crashed there before when she hadn’t wanted to deal with her family. “Thanks, J.” To think that even after all this time they were so ready to jump back into this as if nothing had happened. “It’d be fun to do that again.” Even if she hadn’t always been there for the best of reasons, those nights were some of her fondest memories. Nell laughed at his exclamation, simply rolling her eyes in amusement as he carried on with his dramatics. But once it was talk of her sweet, baby plants, she was all pure smiles again. “Yes! So many plans! Right now I’ve sort of just got- a ‘normal’ section and then a supernatural section, but it’s beautiful in there. You should definitely come over to check it out.” It would only make sense. After all, Jared was who had taught her most of what she’d learned when it came to getting things to grow. “And I have something of an irrigation system but- honestly I’d love to see what your thoughts were there, too.” Beyond having her best friend back, it was nice to also have someone who just understood the pure excitement she felt when talking about her plants, and she couldn't help but enjoy the delight on his face, as well. “Really? Next week?” she asked, perking up as her back straightened and she wriggled on her boombox seat in excitement. “You know I’d love to have any cuttings!”

“Humans are far easier to irritate, with far less effort you know. Case and point, I caught a wild Nell in the square and made her furious enough to come and fight me.” Jared pointed out with a small smug grin. “With only a boombox...and now she’s in my tractor, basically kidnapped. A rousing success in my books, with very little effort.” He shrugged a shoulder when she thanked him, in his eyes it would be no different than it was before, plus he lived alone in a large expanse of fields, some company would do him good as well. “Wouldn’t have to stay in the barn anymore, probably wouldn’t be as safe in there anymore considering I’ve got far less cows of the real sort roaming the place since the original livestock passed from when the parents were around.” The excitement over plants maybe wasn’t as strong as it would be for Jared than if they were still talking about her hellhounds, but he was still a farmer, he would always be interested and excited about these things in a greater measure than perhaps another might. “Yeah, your greenhouse is probably in better repair than mine at the moment, but it never takes me long to resurrect anything that was failing. Downfall of being gone for a winter, but last winter we managed around a week. You can have cuttings of anything you want. Though don’t go undercutting me on the market, I have a hundred mouths to feed. Can’t go starving my children now.”

“Well- we all know it’s not that hard to get me going. And I was napping which is like- extra irritability points.” That same smile was tugging at the corners of her lips, though Nell was doing her best to pretend to be serious for a single moment, as if she were truly insulted when that was nowhere near the truth. “Look- I give credit to the boombox. And the tractor. I’m just surprised you didn’t go with ‘She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy’. And you know it’s not that hard to catch a Nell in the wild,” she teased. “Especially if you have...snacks?” It was her way of asking if there were any stashed in here, as she was always ready to eat. “I mean- it’s not like I didn’t like the barn.” How could she have when they’d spent many a night there? “But I’m honored to be welcome into the actual home. Wait- you meant the house, right?” she asked, realizing she’d assumed. “How was it, though? Your winter? Where exactly did you go?” The concept of a migration was rather fascinating to her, and she felt comfortable enough by now to ask Jared any questions that might come to mind. “I won’t starve the children- I steal the children, and make sure they’re well-fed. Then I can safely steal the market, right?” she teased.

“I think my tractor gets double points, and I think the boombox gets special consideration since you just know it would annoy someone that I was using a tape instead of a bluetooth speaker.” Jared insisted despite the points meaning absolutely nothing. “‘She thinks my tractor's sexy’ was next on the tape, but we wouldn’t be able to talk if we turned it back on. “Okay well it may not be hard to catch you, but it’s still worth points and that’s what counts.” he said nodding his head to the backpack slung over the back of the chair. If she could see around the various treats and lures for his livestock she'd find a bag of chips in there and a few cans of soda. “Yeah I mean the house.” he snorted, giving her a glance as he turned off the road onto a dirt path towards one of the main gates into his land. “Where else would I mean? On the roof? In the shed? You have stayed in the house before...one time… right?” It was then Jared was truly stumped, he could have been sure, but her reaction led him to wonder if he’d -I don’t know- dreamed it or something wild. “So turns out migration into Canada isn’t unheard of. The whole herd walked for miles and miles a day. Their behaviour changed over the border and I didn't even realize that was possible!” He started off, having to stop himself from launching into a tirade about his trip. They’d have time for that, best not bore Nell to sleep right off the bat. “Oh so you’re going to leave me to starve, see how it is. Steal the kids and run huh? Left on an empty farm to starve.” he turns his eyes to her as he halts the tractor, letting his glamour alter slightly to make his eyes bigger and glassy. A puppy dog look if ever you’d seen one. “Would you really do me like that?”

“Where do you even find the tapes?” Nell asked with a chuckle, always finding amusement in Jared’s mayhem. “I’ll grant the double points.” Her expression was carefully thoughtful, as if seriously considering these ‘points’. “The boombox gets a point because I’m sitting on it, so that’s obviously a multiplier.” Utter nonsense spilled from her in the name of joking around with her best friend. It was only a moment later that Nell was foraging into the backpack, pulling out the bag of chips and popping it open. She took one out and offered it to Jared, one again teasing, “Both hands on the wheel,” curious how he would go about this. “Yes I’ve been in the house,” she laughed. “But also like- the roof sounds pretty cool too, to be honest. Probably a nice view up there.” She straightened as Jared talked about the migration, looking more interested the more he spoke. “Really? That’s so cool! What do you mean it changed? Did you like it, though?” Nell had never minded Jared launching into wherever his mind took him, always happy to listen. “But yep- that’s basically the plan. I’ll let you keep this bag of chips, though. I’m takin’ the kids and the dog!” she joked as the tractor came to a stop. Nell looked up from the chips to be met with Jared’s puppy dogs eyes, and nearly instantly- a small smile formed. “Stop that- that’s no fair!”

“I made them! My own mixtapes. Took a bit of fiddling but I got them to go. Bit of extra effort, but once they’re done they’re endless enjoyment.” Jared insisted falling silent to nod solemnly as Nell allotted points to his efforts that day. “Do I get a combo bonus because it added an extra player to my party? Gotta be worth something!” Jared groused cheekily. He snapped his teeth in the air towards her and the offered snack. Eyes firmly on the road he missed the treat by several inches. “C’mon Nell, I’m a growing boy.” This was punctuated with a few more reaching bites in the air. “What’s the phrase? me casa, soup casa? Just make yourself at home, don’t have any locks on the place, if you can make it through the gauntlet of the farmlands then you’re welcome inside.” A beamed grin took over his face when she asked for clarification, trust Nell. “Before the border they travelled in a different order, stuck closer together at night and feeding times while they oved, then they crossed and seemed to lose organisation. Still one member of the herd in the lead but they all walked in a line across the way, like they were minimising the damage to the woodland. It was spectacular.” Jared hummed in delight. Her smile gave her away and soon Jared was pushing his eyes to blow out, his pupils dilated as far as he could go without slipping into a demonic blackout. “You’re taking everything but the dog? Don’t you care for me? Did we mean nothing?” he says heaving a heavy breath and shaking his shoulders as if in a mock sobbing fit. 

“What? DJ Beets isn’t good enough for you, anymore?” Nell teased, referencing the nearly ancient iPod they’d traded back and forth since she was fourteen. “I feel like an original iPod dock with speakers could provide some very chaotic and irritating vibes.” Nevermind that the iPod was currently in her possession. “Now you’re getting greedy with points,” she finished with a bit of a smirk. “You never know when to quit, do you?” Again she laughed as his teeth gnashed at the chip, having far too much fun while darting the chip around, a moving target. But finally she took pity, holding it still before him as she said, “If you grow any more, I’m suing. I already look like a troll next to you. A cute troll. But a troll, nonetheless.” Again her head shook gently in her delight. “That’s not even close to right. I accept the challenge, though.” But the mention of soup reminded her of something. “What have you been eating?” By now she knew that Jared wasn’t exactly Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen. But then she was back to being curious about his herd and migration. “Really? And they did that the whole way until they got back to the border, and crossed over again?”  Nell raised her hands to jokingly cover her eyes as Jared continued to look her way, always ready to be equally dramatic as him. “No!” she exclaimed, though it was mixed with another laugh. “I’m taking the dog, too.” Her fingers parted to reveal a single eye of her’s peeping out at Jared. “You know purple’s my favorite color.” The words were in reference to his true eye color, rather than the blue he usually put on, though she loved both of the shades. “You know that’s not true.”

“My allegiance will always be with DJ Beets. But I didn’t have them did I? Had to make do, the old tape player I had has a better battery life than DJ Beets anyway. It’s why I posted them to you when I left for the winter. No music on a trail would have left me tragically trudging on.” Jared shook his head and huffed a breath. “I don’t know when to quit, but it’s not like you do either.” he stuck his tongue out at that point teasingly before crunching the chip offered to him. “You’re not a troll, a gnome remember? But like a ceramic one, we could get you a pointy hat and a fishing pole if you want? Isn’t that how humans do wild miscalculations about other species?” Jared messed with her, it was far too fun to rile her up, and he’d been in serious withdrawal. “Eating? Who is that? I don’t know her.” He joked to deflect the question. Jared was certainly not a person who was at ease in a kitchen. He hadn’t really stepped foot in his own since he got home. Preferring to light a camping stove in the yard and heat some water for some sort of camping meal, the same as he’d been doing while away. A much easier fix than burning perfectly good food. “They did! It was incredible, they even took a different path on the way back, and seemed to step in different patterns than the way there. Very chaotic, but uniform at the same time.” When Nell covered her eyes Jared rolled his eyes and slid out of the seat, popping the door of the tractor open again and decided to leave it there instead of throwing the gates wide. “Come on then traitor, let's divide our assets and tell the kids the bad news. Nell doesn’t care about me anymore, she is taking everything and I’m going to have to skip town to avoid the heartbreak.” Offering her a hand so she didn’t fall face first out of the cab. Although even as he said this he let his eyes slide back to normal, the real normal. Blue making way for purple as the puppy dog facade faded.

“That’s true, DJ Beets might need a new battery, actually.” Maybe Nell could ask Winston about that, especially with their new magic developing, and possibly even make some nifty upgrades to surprise Jared with. “Everything with you is tragic,” she joked, certainly no stranger to Jared’s dramatics. “And you’re lucky there’s no actual gnomes around to hear you. I think I’d want to be one of those disturbingly sexy gnomes on lawns, though. The ones that make you wonder why something like that was ever made in the first place. Not that I’m that small! I’m not a gnome at all! You’re just...abnormally big!” she finished stubbornly, though the words were...obviously untrue despite her bias and pride. Her eyes narrowed, suddenly serious as she considered the man in front of her. “Your answer does nothing to make me feel better, Jared. I’ll make something while I’m here.” It wasn’t a question so much as a certainty in her eyes. It seemed that the coast was clear as she heard Jared slide to the ground, and she leaned tentatively over the side of the tractor, as if to make sure it was safe for her to look. “Like I could ever break your heart,” she simply said before accepting his hand without qualms this time. Then she was stepping down, carefully, and soon enough she was planted on the ground next to him. “Should I bring the hounds, now? Or wait?”

“I’m sure there’s one somewhere on the internet.” Jared assured her. He wasn’t worried. Their ipod had lasted this long, no reason to think it would give up the ghost now. If it was a new part it needed, it was a new part they’d find. “The gnomes won’t find me, and I’m faster than them.” He tried to gloss over the food thing. He wasn’t worried, so he didn’t want her to be. He’d never been good at cooking and he was doing just fine so far. Even after she left, he managed on take out, pre packaged foods and camping meals. A perfectly respectable diet in Jareds eyes. “Good luck with that, see what you can find.” he was certain she wouldn’t find anything suitable. Maybe a bag of raw pasta. But absolutely nothing to go with it. As was the way of Jared's kitchen at the moment. Once she was on her feet he simply made his way to the fence to climb over. Tall it was, but the charms on it had been broken a day or so ago with his return. “You break it every day.” he shot back teasingly as he threw a leg over the top of the fence waiting for her to climb after him. “Days without a tiktok sent, I was going spare!” he lamented with a wrist laid on his forehead. “I’d wait until the other side of the fence.” He was eager to meet genuine hellhounds, but he also knew they’d need to be on the move so as not to linger in the path of one of his herds that travelled the property. He wasn’t one to try and tame his animals, rather he let them feel he was a safe being and allowed him to live so that they could thrive on his land without issue. Probably not the safest practice, but five years in he was yet to have any serious repercussions. “Can you summon on the move?”

“I have a friend who might be able to help, too,” Nell began. “You remember Winston?” They’d already been friends when she’d met Jared, and long before that. “Well, they’re still a nerd,” she began fondly, “and I was thinking they could maybe help spruce DJ Beets up a little. You know- make sure they had a long, and healthy life. Have plenty of grandchildren. A wrap-around porch. All that jazz.” As for the food and Jared’s lack of proper nutrition, she’d let the conversation die for now, though he certainly wasn’t off the hook in her mind. Nell wasted no time in launching herself over the fence, perhaps even more agile than Jared might remember. She’d been doing gymnastics back in the day, but now she also had five more years of fighting experience beneath her belt. “If I break it, it’s only because you break mine first. So who’s really to blame, here?” As always, she laughed at his theatrics before playfully trying to swipe his dramatic hand away from his forehead. “You just use me for the Tiktoks,” she accused, matching his histrionics, it being her turn to bring a hand to her chest, apparently aghast. “But, yeah!” she said with a bright grin. “See?” The she was pulling up the sleeve of her jacket, revealing a summoning circle tattoo she’d gotten while they’d been apart. All it needed to bring the hellhounds to where she stood was a bit of blood. “So whenever is best for you!” It wasn’t unlike the first tattoo she’d gotten while she was fifteen, having shown that one off to Jared as well when Luce had done it for her. It had also been for summoning, though when activated had only brought forth a single, juvenile cockatrice back in the day.

“Yeah I remember them, if they’re willing to sacrifice some time for DJ Beets I’m all for it.” Jared knew of Nell’s other friends, she spoke about them often and he was always willing to hear the shenanigans. There just hadn’t been an awful big chance for him to interact with them. He’d seen them around, but considering his friendship with Nell had been born of a fluke single moment at a party, it wasn’t unusual that her other friends didn’t interact with him. Considering also the fact he left school shortly after they met and skipped a lot of his last year. Nell seemed to be very certain he held more cards in their friendship than he felt he did, but he didn’t argue any further, they’d be at it all day knowing them. She made quick work of the fence and he lowered down on the other side laughing at her own dramatic flair. “Not only for the tiktoks but they’re such a big bonus, how could I refuse?” Feet hitting the ground he tugs on her wrist gently to get a good look. “And it works like the other one?” he asked as he encouraged her to walk along the path with him. He took a few longer strides to be ahead before turning to walk backwards. “Do it now? Are they as wild as my bonedoggles? Or are they too classy to be vicious? I’ve yet to meet hellhounds for real.” He gushed with excitement. 

Nell’s eyes rolled gently as she grinned, but also knew that she’d been truly lucky to come across Jared today. She had no doubt they would have met, anyway, whether it be planned or not, but sooner was always better than later when it came to seeing him. “A bonus, he says. Is there anything you can’t charm your way out of? Or at least try to charm your way out of?,” she teased. Nell let him examine the tattoo, laid above the lines and lines of scars that ran along her forearms, the places where she took her blood sacrifices from when it came to fueling more serious bits of magic. When she’d left, she’d already had a fair amount, but after all the fighting and spellwork she’d done over the past five years, they were now overlapping over one another. She often glamoured them in public to avoid questions, but she knew she didn’t need to do that when it was only Jared here. “Yay! Exactly the same!” She’d been trying to keep up with him as his strides lengthened, her own, shorter legs carrying her faster before she realized what he was doing. Nell nearly collided with him when he turned around, and came to a quick halt as she laughed. “Generally...yes. They wanted to burn my face off when we first met but- now they’re used to me! And they listen to me! But I’m sure they’ll love you!” she said, alluding to his nymph status, and the creatures he was patron to. “Cheater,” Nell joked, though Jared’s excitement was spilling into her. It only took a moment for her to bite her thumb until it bled before swiping it over the summoning circle, speaking a few summoning words as she did so. In another moment, the trio of hellhounds burst forward, instantly going up to Nell with wagging tails and sitting neatly, as if expecting a treat.

“I’m very charming. Incredibly charming even!” Jared argued in return making a face at her, and just proving the exact opposite. He took in the new tattoo carefully, eyes roaming over the increased level of scarring also, but not saying a word. It was witch business, he knew he’d never understand even if he felt he understood enough to get by on the trust that Nell knew what she was doing. He stopped moving when she almost crashed into him and laughed lightly at the action. “We’ll see if I can make a good impression.” Jared insisted, miming straightening a tie on a non existent collar, and fussing with the cuffs of a dress shirt he wasn’t wearing. He waited eagerly as she drew blood. Watching closely with interest as she went through the summoning process. The appearance of the hounds had Jared clenching his fists to stop himself from making any sudden leaps about their character. They might be lined up for Nell, but he actually didn’t want to make a bad impression or assume too much. “Beauties.” He commented looking at Nell for a moment before digging in his pockets. If you thought the nymph had left the house with empty pockets you were dreadfully mistaken. Sometimes you needed to carry a little dried flesh to bribe with. He almost bows to the hounds, as he rounds to get beside Nell in his excitement, in the end completely giving in to the notion and giving the trio a bow of respect anyway. “Fuck Nell look at them.”

Nell stuck her tongue out at him playfully when he laughed at her abrupt stop. But as soon as Jared started digging in his pockets, Scooby’s ears pricked, knowing that sound from having received far too many treats in his lifetime. Turning his head towards Jared, he broke formation before his tail began to wag in even more earnest. Out of the bunch, he was the one most easily charmed by snacks. Hence- having been named the Scooby of the three hellhounds. “Go ahead,” Nell said with a soft smile on her lips, her voice taking on that gentle quality she saved solely for animals or beasts that weren’t attacking her. Scooby barely even waited for permission before bounding over to Jared, nose trying to shove its way into the man’s pockets for the delicious goodness that was hidden within. “Come on, Scooby!” Nell laughed. “Use your manners!” But she’d known Jared would adore them just as much as she did, and she couldn’t help but love the way he was with them. Meanwhile, Scrappy and Shaggy held back, stood in front of Nell as if making sure this man wasn’t any sort of threat before taking a single, curious step forward. Thankfully, Nell’s hellhounds had been with her long enough to listen to most things she said, though they were still very much wild creatures at times.

Jared didn’t dare do anything but shoot Nell an incredibly longing look. It wasn’t polite to touch without permission, but with a snout in his pocket he was struggling hard to resist. He turned out the pocket that was being broken into carefully slow enough for the hound to catch the treats that would fall out. Once he was at Nells side he pulled the rest of the treats out of his other pocket and offered one in each hand to the other two hounds. He waited with baited breath, marvelling at how Nell had control of the, at how they sat and interacted with her and each other. They were truly fascinating, and he could already feel the usual small lingering tie to them that he usually felt with vicious beasts of all kinds. “Scooby? Like the cartoon?” He asks Nell, not taking his eyes off the trio for even a second. He was ecstatic to have Nell back at his side, but she’d brought something he’d never bargained for. “Hellhounds are just everything I imagined and more.” he breathes, stooping and tilting his head to get a slightly closer look without invading anyone's personal space. “The three of you are wonderful.” he compliments. “Absolutely stunning.” But he’d run out of treats and -as he was desperate to make a good impression- he nudged Nells arm. “Race to the house for more treats?”

Nell knew that look, and trusted her hounds and Jared, but it was always good to proceed with caution when dealing with creatures such as these. “Scooby’s always happy if you give him treats. And yeah, like the show,” she laughed. “And then Shaggy and Scrappy too,” she said, motioning to the other hounds. “Also from the show. The gang’s all here.” Scooby wasted no time in gobbling up as many of the treats he could get, and Nell tried to remind him, “Save some for your brothers!” But he wasn’t having it. As far as the hellhound seemed to be concerned, these were all his treats. “I’m glad I could show you them.” Her voice was perhaps the most sincere it’d been since she’d found him in town on the tractor, for she was truly happy she could give Jared this spark of joy. Shaggy was next to come forward, always the one who was most hungry for any form of affection he could muster up from those Nell trusted. It was only a moment before he was shoving his enormous head under Jared’s hand, demanding the petting he obviously thought he deserved. Scrappy still seemed hesitant, fur raised ever so slightly as he watched the other to dogs. Out of the bunch, he was the smallest, and the most cautious, which also meant he was the one most willing to attack at a moment’s notice. A slow and mischievous grin blossomed on Nell’s lips before she simply took off running towards the house, wind whipping in the air as she called back to Jared. “I’m going to win!” The dogs fell into line behind her, excited to run after her.

“Does that mean I get to be Velma? Since the name is still open for any takers.” Jared’s eyes were firmly watching the hounds as they scoped him out -some more thoroughly than others and that was very clear. “They’re brilliant Nell, I’ve been gifted this day. Take note. Today was the day only good things happened...so far.” He said in a loud resounding voice, passing treats over easily to Shaggy and withdrawing slightly in proximity to the smallest hound. Hoping to ease any stress the beast might have felt. It was this motion that distracted him enough to not notice Nell take off towards the house. All three of the hounds spinning on a dime to give chase. “CHEATER.” Jared yelled after her, slow to start but running after her and her new charges across the open farmland soon enough. 

[pan1c1ng]

leaving on a jet plane | alex brightman x fem!reader

prompt: ❝ i think i’m in love with you....and i don’t know what to do. ❞

summary: when you get the amazing opportunity to appear on a television series in the uk, leaving your life in new york becomes a massive challenge. but the encouragement of your best friend helps the change. what happens when he suddenly confesses feelings for you at the airport?

warning(s): fluff, angst, cursing

gif credit: @broadwayfaceshq

author’s note: first off, thank you to the amazing human who had requested. it means a lot that you want to see more writing from me. i took a lot of inspiration from the infamous ‘running through the airport to say goodbye/i love you’ trope. cliche i know but it’s cute dammit. basically look at that scene in love actually and pam’s goodbye to michael in the office. also, i’m so sorry it’s so long. i’m gonna get murked by how long this is so haha woopsies. ( i also wrote this before robb mclure left. rip my angel you were an amazing adam )

     alex brightman had been your sort of guiding light for the past decade. the two of you had met at a 54 below show you were doing alongside drew gaspirini. the two of you had done a song called ❛ overboard ❜ that drew had written. and you seemed to click immediately. alex was supportive of every role you had landed and vice versa. you were inseparable. alex made sure that the two of you were sitting next to each other at every tony’s that you had attended. over the years, feelings had arisen on both of your behalfs, but nothing was ever done about it. maybe you were too scared to say anything. no, not maybe...you were definitely too scared to say anything. 

     in the present-day, both of your careers had taken a turn for the better. alex had been nominated for his second tony award for ❛ beetlejuice ❜. he did end up losing which you believed was totally rigged but both of you had brushed it off. you had just been cast as the newest jenna in waitress before it’s untimely closing. life couldn't be any better. or so you had thought. the opportunity to appear on an upcoming television series based in london had been given to you. it was a step for sure, a massive one at that. but it was your dream. and the fact that it was in one of your favorite cities in the world; nothing could be better than that. so you said yes.

     to alex, the news hit hard. harder than he thought it would hit him. the fact of the matter was, he would be losing his best friend for a full year. and he didn’t want that. alex didn't want to show his negative emotions towards you. all he could do was put on a brave face and say that he was proud of you; say that he was always going to be there for you; say that he loved-

     ❝ alex? ❞ a knock came from the outside of alex’s dressing room. ❝ we’re calling places now. ❞ the voice of the production stage manager called to him in a softer voice. everyone in the production understood how hurt their lead actor felt. but being gentle around him wasn’t helping, in a sense it made him feel worse. they all knew that deep down, alex loved you with his whole heart. but he was still so blind to it. or so everyone thought. he took one last look at himself in the vanity mirror. his complexion white and green due to the makeup. ❛ come on man. ❜ he turns off the lights and starts walking towards the stage for the show. 

     upon arrival to the wings, the sound of the audience chattering away immediately captures alex’s ears. people running around backstage to find certain cast members and props that weren’t set beforehand. the noise and the commotion is clouding alex’s mind so much, that he doesn’t notice a familiar site walking towards him. but the sudden grip on his arm stops his thoughts and brings him out of it. 

     the exact second his eyes meet yours is like something out of a woody allen rom-com. ❝ hey, what are you doing here? ❞ he pulls you in for an immediate hug. your face shows excitement to see him, but there’s a shadow of sorrow and worry. ❝ i came to see you before i left... ❞ your words choke near the end. his hands rest on the sides of your arms and the smile that once plastered his face is slowly starting to fade away into confusion. ❝ but, i thought you weren't leaving for another month. ❞ the lights flicker in the audience. ❝ i know, i know... the studio called and they needed me sooner. i leave for london in three hours. ❞ alex lets go of your arms and his expression slightly changes from confusion to grief. the stage managers take their place behind the podiums. your hand grips alex’s as it gently slips from your arm. ❝ alex listen to me. please don’t let this cloud your mind. you have to promise me that you’re gonna go out there and make this your best performance yet. don’t let me ruin any of this for you. okay? ❞ you were on the verge of tears at this point. he lost eye contact with you at some point during this speech. he could feel tears start to fill his eyes. the first booming notes of the show roll through the theater. he looks up at you again, a single tear slipping down his cheek. you smile through the heart-wrenching pain and dab the liquid away. ❝ you’ll ruin your makeup if you keep this up. ❞ alex laughs at the comment and sniffles. you immediately wrap your arms around him and hug him tightly. alex’s head gets nuzzled into your neck as he closes his eyes and continues the gesture.

     the stage manager calls for alex to take his position. it’s so fast and so sudden that you can’t think of what you’re doing. as he pulls away from you, you plant a kiss on the corner of his lips. it’s gentle and soft just like you. and underneath the heavy makeup, you see him blush slightly. alex locks eyes with you for one more second before turning towards his place for ❛ the whole being dead thing ❜. you cross your arms against your chest and turn to head towards the door. you can feel alex’s eyes on you one last time before you walk out into the cold night.

     laguardia airport was the busiest you had ever seen it. it wasn’t a holiday or anything special. but it was just busy. as you sat at the gate, gazing out the window on to the runways of the airport, alex brightman clouded your mind. your mind was racing over the thought of that kiss. if it even counted as one. rain had started to fall down on the tri-state area the minute you had walked out of the stage door. perfectly fitting the situation you had just found yourself in with alex. from this moment on, everything seemed to go into slow motion.

      alex brightman had just given his best performance yet as the infamous ghost with the most. but it came with a cost. his mind wasn’t in the right mindset the entire night. sure, he still could act and sing and dance and kiss robb mclure twice; but his mind was fogged over with the thought of you. so much so that he had finally realized something. something that he’s known for so long. the minute he’s in his dressing room, alex grabs his phone. 

     a notification from your phone interrupts the sound of george salazar in your ear. a tweet from alex brightman. ❝ not stage dooring tonight. personal emergency. apologies ❞ 

     alex did his best to leave the theater before anyone could notice he left. leaving the majority of the makeup on his face and hands. on the street, he yelled for a taxi but found no luck getting one in all of the rain and the chaos. he yelled and yelled and yelled before the loud sound of a whistle came from beside him. a taxi immediately pulled to the side. a girl wearing a black and white striped dress and a raincoat stood next to him. her hair was black and as short as lydia’s. she smiles; looking up at the man who she had seen as an idol for so long. he smiles back at her and hops in the yellow cab before yelling at her over the rain. ❝ come back tomorrow and i’ll sign that playbill. ❞

     ❝ attention passengers. flight 238 to heathrow airport has been delayed for another forty-five minutes. we apologize for the inconvenience.❞

     ❝ hi, i need a ticket please. ❞ ❝ and where will you be flying today sir? ❞ ❝ london. cheapest flight possible. ❞ ❝ i’m sorry sir, all london flights have been booked, and the last flight leaves in twenty minutes. ❞ alex sighs. ❝ listen, there’s a girl somewhere in this airport that could quite possibly be the person i wanna spend the rest of my life with. and she’s about to leave me for a whole year. i can’t have that happen without telling her how i really feel. i just need something- anything to get to the gate in time before she leaves. please. ❞

     ❝ flight 238 to heathrow airport is now boarding. repeat, flight 238 to heathrow is now boarding. ❞ you stood from your spot and adjusted the green romper and large overcoat that covered your body. before you could even move towards the gate, the buzzing of your phone startled you in your pocket. ❝ alex? ❞ ❝ don’t say anything. it’s taking me longer than i thought, so i gotta do this now. ❞ you looked around the area confused. ❝ i think i’m in love with you.... and i don’t know what to do. ❞  you freeze in your tracks. ❝ alex... i- ❞ ❝ no-no, i just need you to listen to me. when you came to the theater tonight and told me you were leaving, it sounds weird but everything; at that moment; had started to make sense. for the past decade, i have lied to myself over and over about how i truly feel about you. saying that you and i were just friends. and now that i’m looking back at it all, i am kicking myself for not realizing all of this sooner. you have been the reason why i do what i do. i go out onto that stage every matinee and every night thinking about you. and it’s all because i love the shit out of you. ❞ you could hear the cracking in his voice over the phone. alongside the shortness of breath.

     ❝ where are you right now? ❞ you let out the smallest laugh that’s only filled with joy and shock. and before you could say anything else, someone taps on your shoulder. you turn around to greet a drippy hair, beetlejuice face, alex brightman. his phone still pressed to his ear. ❝ i’m right here. ❞ 

     alex brings one arm around your waist and brings you towards him, his lips instantley locking with yours. it’s a moment in which your mind is reeling with different emotions. first off, his lips are incredibly soft. and it’s something you’ve always imagined. you pull away from him for a slight second to examine his face. his makeup is smudging around his mouth which makes you laugh. ❝ you’ll ruin your makeup if you keep this up. ❞ alex smiles at you. ❝ fuck the makeup ❞

[babyioniive-blog]

home

a/n: i wrote this a while ago. kinda love it. kinda hate it prolly some mistakes but oh well enjoy some calum fluff

pairings: calum + y/n

word count: 1.8k

Y/N POV

My love with Calum was unexpected. We found each other in a time of need. He was finishing what seemed to be the longest tour of his life. He was mentally and emotionally drained. He didn’t know who he was anymore. That was, until he found me.

Ironically, we met at a party. Crystal is a close friend of mine. It was her birthday party. I’ve never been a big partier but this one in particular, I just wasn’t up for it. I was miserable. I walked outside to her patio to look at the stars and decompress. It was a warm June night at 2am.

As I walked outside I saw a body sitting on the ground. He had a cigarette in one hand and a Corona in the other. His head was in his lap. I was about to turn around and go back inside until he saw me.

“I’m sorry.” I started, “I didn’t think anyone was out here. I’ll go back in.”

“No no, you don’t have to. I just needed a breather.” He said back and patted the ground next to him for me to sit.

“Not a big partier?” He mumbled to me.

“Is it that noticeable?” I said laughing lightly. “Calum right?”

“Yeah and you’re Y/N?”

I nodded. “Crystal has talked about you before. You’re a good friend to her.”

I smiled.

“Crystal brought to one of your shows. You’re one hell of a performer.” I said to him

“Thank you.” He said sincerely.

“Why are you out here? Shouldn’t you be in there?” I asked.

“Yeah, I just, saw someone from my past and it’s too soon. I really don’t want to go back in there.” he mumbled softly. That’s why he was hiding. I didn’t push it.

“Well, I was about to leave and I don’t think you’re in any form to drive so do you want a ride?” I asked the brown eyed boy.

“If you don’t mind.”

“Let’s go” I said. He was hurting. I could tell. We went into the house and said our goodbyes. I saw him staring at someone. A girl. Probably who he was talking about. I could see the hurt in his eyes. I just met him but all I wanted was to help him.

“I know we just met and you might think this is weird, but can you please stay the night? I’m not in the right mindset to be alone and i-” he started to ramble. I grab his hand in a friendly way for reassurance. “Yes of course. Just give me directions.” The car is consumed with small talk. “Do you like dogs?” he asked suddenly. “Yeah why?” and then he goes on about his little dog Duke. The way he cares for him is beautiful. I think I saw him smile. I was excited to meet his little bundle of joy.

We arrived at his house 20 minutes later. His house beautiful. It wasn’t big but it wasn’t small either. We walked in and he briefly showed me around. After that he gave me one of his T-shirts to wear to sleep. I sat on the couch for a little while petting Duke.

“You can sleep in my guest room.” He told me. I just nodded. He sat on the other side of the couch. I could tell he wasn’t okay. He looked like he wanted to break down.

“Do you want to talk about it? I’ll listen.” I said. “Are you sure? It’s pretty sad.” He said back “If you tell me your story, and I know you have one, and then I’ll tell you mine.” i said. “Well..” he started to talk. He told me everything about his ex girlfriend. About how she used him for fame and how she cheated on him. She tried to make a move on one of his band members. He called himself an idiot for going back to her every single time. I listened to every word he said. He told me his breaking point was when he caught her making moves on Luke. He broke it off right there and the party was his first time seeing her since the incident. This boy had so much hurt.

“Okay I spilled my story to you. Your turn.” He said to me.

“Well my started off like any cliche highschool romance would. He was the jock football player and I was the outcast. He was my brothers friend. He asked me out one day and I was hesitant but I just went for it. He took me out to this diner down the street from my house. The date was amazing. I fell for him. And I fell hard. Soon we did everything together. I loved him. He was my first love.” I paused to make sure he was still with me.

“And then something in him changed. He became distant. We hung out one day. We had sex.” I choked. I haven’t spoke about this in a while. “I didn’t want to but I figured if I did, he’d want me. I just wanted to be enough for him. He was my first time.” i paused. “I was wrong. I was so wrong. Soon he came over all of the time and every single time, we had to have sex. If i told him no, he’d say I didn’t really love him so once again i bit my tongue and just went with it.”

This time he grabbed my hand. He knew this was a lot for me. He listened to me intently.

“I hit my breaking point when he started cheating on me. The first two times i let it slip. He said he was drunk. Whatever. Then the third time, he cheated on me with me best friend. I couldn’t keep doing it to myself so I cut him off. The next day, he went to school and told everyone that I practically threw myself on him and that I forced him when it was really the other way around. Because of him, I haven’t let myself trust again.”

Calum looked at me as I cried. He hugged me. We both needed that hug as we cried to each other. We listened to each other carefully. A beautiful bond was born that night.

We finally released after what felt like forever.

“You’re gonna love again. I promise. It will get better.” I said to him.

“I know. So will you.”

After that night, we became the closest of friends. We had little inside jokes and we did everything. There was a night when I received a call from Calum. I answered and it was Ashton.

“Hello?” I asked

“Y/N? It’s Ash. How far are you from the studio?”

“About 20 minutes. Why? Where’s Cal?”

“He’s… well hes having a panic attack. I’m trying to calm him down but he just keeps asking for you.”

“Oh my god okay. I'm on my way now.”

I was panicked. He briefly mentioned how he used to have panic attacks. He hasn’t had one in 4 months. He used to get him a lot after the break up. I rushed, passing through red lights. All that matters in that moment was getting to him.

I stormed in. “Where is he?”

Ashton took me to him. I found him on the floor. Back against the wall. Tear stained cheeks. In that moment, he looked helpless. I went down to his level and grabbed his face. He refused to look at me. I think he thought i was disappointed. I grabbed his chin and forced his eyes to mine. I could get lost in his eyes. He look scared. He looked hurt. I hated seeing him so upset. All I wanted was to take away his hurt. I hugged him. He held onto me so tightly as I did to him. We stayed like that for what felt like forever.

I released him and just looked at him. “What happened?” I asked. I was scared for the answer.

“I saw her earlier.” Fuck, is the only word that came to mind. “I came straight to the studio and I was writing a song a-and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn;t know what to do this hasn’t happened to me in so long. I thought they stopped.” I wish they did. I hated seeing him like this. Seeing someone you care so deeply in such pain, shatters your heart. I could only imagine how helpless he felt.

“I just wanted you here.” He said. God I loved him and i wish I could just tell him. But i can’t. I hadn't felt so deeply about someone in so long but this moment, just confirmed my feelings for him. I loved him more than anything in this world.

“Calum, you can always turn to me. For anything. I'll be here in a heartbeat.” I said to him.

He grabbed onto my arms and looked into my eyes. In his eyes were hurt and love. In that moment you could tell he felt at peace. He softly placed his lips onto mine. He whispered a soft “I love you” to me. The world disappeared. It felt like we were the only people who existed.

“What?” I said so softly. I'm surprised he even heard me.

“I love you.”

“I love you so much.” I said back.

Calums POV

I was working on something special for Y/N. Our one year was approaching. This woman was my entire world. The boys and I were writing the new album. I’m writing a song for her. She’s helped with more than sh will ever know. I wish I could thank her for everything but there's nothing i could do that will ever repay her.

This song is my favorite one i've ever written. It has the most meaning to me. Y/N is my whole world.

She had just come home from the store and she was making dinner. We wanted to stay in on our anniversary. Once she was done i asked her to come to the studio in the garage. Once she walked in I started. I asked for the boys help on the instruments and stuff but I sang to her. One of the lyrics that stuck out the most was,

“You are my home.”

And it’s true. She is my home. I feel safe when I’m with her. I never want to leave her side. The look on her face once I finished was the cutest thing. I took a picture. I will cherish it. I will cherish her. With her, it was complete bliss. When I met her, I was this broken kid just coming off of a long tour. I was in the worst mental state. I found her in a time of need.

I guess she was just what I needed.

[grimelords]

October Playlist

My October playlist is finished and it’s complete from Rico Nasty to Rachmaninoff. I absolutely guarantee there’s something you’ll love in this 3 and a half hours of music, and probably something you’ll hate too! Something for everyone!

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Santeria - Pusha T: In anticipation of Jesus Is King I relistened to the entire Wyoming Sessions project a few times, and a year removed from all the hype and controversy here's the thing: it's fucking great. The individual albums ranged pretty widely in quality and felt slightly unfinished for how short they were sometimes, but taking the project as a whole 5-album 120 minute playlist it turns out it's a masterpiece. My personal tracklist goes Ye/Daytona/Nasir/KTSE/Kids See Ghosts, which isn't release order but I think makes it flow the best - both Kanye albums bookending it and the less impactful Nas and Teyana Taylor albums buried a bit further in where you can appreciate them now that you're deep in the mindset of the whole thing rather than alone on their own.

Puppets (Succession Remix) - Pusha T & Nicholas Brittel: This remix is such a perfect match: Pusha T’s corporate villainy finally given a context and prestige it deserves. It’s also short enough that it could feasible be the actual theme song next season, which would be a marked improvement imo.

Use This Gospel - Kanye West, Clipse & Kenny G: I am and remain a Kanye stan, even after everything. It’s nice to see him going back to the extremely uneven mastering of MBDTF era, it’s a sound that is uniquely his and it’s fun to see him revisit it. The thick vocoder harmony is so soupy you get lost in it, and the way it opens up to include the full choir in the No Malice verse is beautiful. Kanye reunited Clipse through Christ and we have Him to thank for that at least. The Kenny G break is great, and the grain and dirt on the whole track when the beat kicks in is so gritty you can feel it.

Man Of The Year - Schoolboy Q: I didn't love the Chromatics album they surprise released but it did thankfully remind me of the time Schoolboy Q sampled Cherry for Man Of The Year. Taken exclusively on lyrics, Man Of The Year is a triumph: he's the man of the year and it's all worked out but the sample and the beat underscores the dead eyed melancholy that runs through the whole of Oxymoron of never winning even when you've won.

Cold - Rico Nasty: This song fucking tears your face off. Imagine STARTING your album at this level of intensity. She just goes straight to 100 and burns the house down. Outside of Lil John so few rappers can get away with just straight up screaming in the adlibs but the way she just lung tearingly screams GOOOO through this is fucking sick.

Fake ID - Riton & Kah-Lo: TikTok songs are becoming their own genre, but it’s a very nebulous sort of a mood encompassing everything from aughts pop punk hooks to skipping rope raps like this. It’s a strange new way for songs to blow up that everyone seems compelled to write articles about but my take on it is it’s exactly the same as ads were in the old days. Remember how many songs did absolute numbers because someone put it in a Motorola ad? Same thing except you’re not being sold a phone this time, so in some ways it’s better. Anyway, this song bangs. The spirit of 212 era Azealia Banks lives on even if she’s doing her best ever since then to kill it.

Doctor Pressure - MYLO & Miami Sound Machine: There was a very good era in the mid-2000s where you could just put mashups out as singles and they’d chart, it was sick. My only two examples are this and Destination Calabria but I’m sure there’s more. Drop The Pressure is a masterpiece but as an alternate version this mashup is equally masterful.  

If You’re Tarzan, I’m Jane - Martika: Martika is unfortunately best known for the 1989 one hit wonder Toy Soldiers, a sort of boring overdramatic ballad which is best known for being sampled by Eminem in 2004 in his quite bad super duper serious song Like Toy Soldiers. I say unfortunately because every other song on her first album is great, it’s all hypercolour 80s synthpop and I love this song especially because it is so completely stuffed with activity it becomes dizzying. It gets so lost in itself that they completely abandon the dramatic pause before “I’m Jane” for some reason toward the end and instead just layer three different tracks of vocal adlibs. Every part of this song is great, the weird ‘o we o we o’ chant before the second verse? The neighing horse guitar before the bridge? The musical tour of the world IN the bridge? The part where she says ‘I want to swing on your vine?’. This song has everything.

You Got Me Into This - Martika: Every part of the instrumentation in this is amazing. The bass sound, the main synth, the extremely athletic brass, the wonderful echoing 80s snare that’s as big as a house. I just love it. She also does some really intriguing slurs on the word ‘love’ all the way through, just moving it around absolutely anywhere.

Space Time Motion - Jennifer Vanilla: I love when someone has such a clearly defined aesthetic and mission from the very beginning. Jennifer Vanilla is the alter ego of Becca Kaufmann from Ava Luna who I've had in this playlist before but never competely investigated. Jennifer Vanilla feels like an episode of Sex And The City where Samantha gets really into Laurie Anderson and she is incredible. This video is the best mission statement I’ve ever seen and is currently criminally underviewed so please do your part and support the Jennifer cause by watching these two videos.

So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings - Caroline Polachek: Caroline Polachek said watch me write a Haim song and did it. Apparently the very early versions of this album started when she was in writing sessions for Katy Perry, but then it started to turn into something else and she took it for herself, and I think you can hear that. With more normal production and a little faster this is a hundred percent a Katy Perry song, but instead it’s completely uniquely Caroline Polachek and it’s all the better for it. And also Katy Perry must be furious because her new songs are simply not good at all.

Electric Blue - Arcade Fire: I just love the obsession of this song in the outro, chanting over and over and over “Cover my eyes electric blue, every single night I dream about you”

Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado and Timbaland: I got a youtube ad for one of those Masterclass videos the other day and it was Timbaland teaching production. This ad went for five minutes for some reason and I watched the whole thing and it made me admire Timbaland even more. He’s demonstrating his compositional technique which is basically to just beatbox, and then loop it, and then add some extra percussion layers with more beatboxing and hand percussion, then loop that and add a little melody by singing or humming. ‘It’s that simple’ he says. Then later he goes back in and puts in actual drums or synths or whatever. I was stunned because suddenly a lot of his music makes sense. Without the barrier of instrument or timbre to get hung up on it allows him to write from this instantly head-nodding place of just making up a little beat you can sing and dance to immediately. Listening to a lot of his music now you can hear the bones underneath everything so clearly, all his beats are supremely beatboxable and all his melodies are very hummable, they’ve never overcomplicated by instrumental skill or habits, they just exist to serve the song.

Serpent - TNGHT:  TNGHT are back baby and this song is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. It feels like afrofuturist footwork from another dimension, the mbira sounding lead against the oil drum percussion in this cacophony of yelps and screams that just builds to an irrepressible energy without a bassline in sight.

Ghosts Of My Life - Rufige Kru: I'm reading Mark Fisher's Ghosts Of My Life right now and some good person has put together a spotify playlist of all the songs he mentions. He has a whole essay about why this song is sick so I’m not going to go into it here but it’s interesting to hear about someone growing up with jungle when it’s a genre that has always felt very niche to me. I guess partly as a result of it never really making it mainstream as a genre here, and also me being a little too young for it.

Renegade Snares - Omni Trio: My biggest introduction to drum and bass comes from the game Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition and this really great song from the soundtrack that is finally on spotify after a very long absence. At almost the exact same time as I discovered this song with its spacious piano and repitched snares, I discovered Venetian Snares and breakcore in general. Having no particular frame of reference for breakcore as an offshoot of drum and bass only amplified its appeal to me as a completely alien genre that sounded like nothing else I’d ever heard, and so my personal history with drum and bass is a story of walking backwards into it after the fact which is interesting if not helpful.

Punching In A Dream - The Naked And Famous: The Mark Fisher book also mentions the Tricky song which I’ve never heard from which The Naked And Famous got their name and I thought ‘man remember The Naked And Famous, they were sick?’. The sort of harder edged Passion Pit instrumentation mixed with pop punk, a winning combination.

Vegas - Polica: My favourite part of this song is the unexpected blastbeats after the chorus, using their two drummers to their full advantage and just shaking the song by its foundations every now and then lest you get too comfortable.

Right Words - Cults: I’m beginning to suspect I may be the last surviving Cults stan but if this be my lot I’ll gladly do it

Running From The Sun - Chromatics: The new Chromatics album got me to relisten to their definitive document Kill For Love, and something new I appreciated this time about an album I love a lot is its length. Kill For Love is almost 80 minutes long and it luxuriates in that length. It’s sequenced perfectly so it never feels like it’s long for no reason, but large chunks just completely space out and go out of focus in the soft neon light and the second half of this song is a good example. The whole thing just evaporates into smoke and it feels perfect. If this were a shorter and more concise song that had a proper ending it wouldn’t feel right, this whole album has no straight edges at all and it’s all the better for it.

Chance - Angel Olsen: I cannot belive this song. This feels like she wrote her own version of My Way looking forward instead of back. Instead of the ruefully triumphant "I've lived a life that's full / I've traveled each and every highway" it's “I don't want it all / I've had enough / I don't want it all / I've had a love." before the turn from the future to the present at the end, where she gives up on a forever love in exchange for right now. I love how raw this vocal take feels. It's not her best voice but it feels very very honest as a result. She's just singing her heart out in this huge showstopping closer. In an interview she said "I didn’t love the recording of it very much, and now I just feel in love with it as a closing statement, because it’s a way of saying, ‘Look, I have hope for the next thing in my life.’ I’m not going to anticipate negativity or hate or an end. But instead of us looking towards forever, why don’t we just work on right now?"

Something To Believe - Weyes Blood: This album just keeps paying dividends. I’m systematically going through long obsessive periods with every single song on it and now it’s Something To Believe’s turn.

Don’t Shut Me Up (Politely) - Brigid Mae Power: Without meaning to, Brigid Mae Power seems to have created some incredible fusion of folk music and stoner metal. The way this song absolutely sits unmoving on one deep and resonant chord for so long is amazing. When it does change chords it feels like a full body effort to get up and shift. She has a similar feeling to Emma Ruth Rundle, who more explicitly wears her metal influences, but Brigid Mae Powers' strength is in how much it resembles the traditional folk side of the spectrum. Her voice is also amazing, with the huge effortless runs she goes on about halfway through just coming unmoored from the song completely and floating off into space.

Sweetheart I Ain’t Your Christ - Josh T. Pearson: I had a real problem with Josh T. Pearson for a long time because of how he presents as so authentic on this album, and as I’ve previously discussed in these playlists the concept of authenticity in country music is a source of neverending anguish for me. But his newest album The Straight Hits! has largely cured that for me because it’s not good at all, is extremely contrived (all the song titles have the word ‘hit’ in them) and he’s shaved his beard and replaced it with one of the worst irony moustaches I’ve ever seen. So now I’m free to enjoy The Last Of The Country Gentlemen as a character construction, which allows me a far deeper and truer engagement than the idea of a man actually living and thinking like this which is frankly a little embarrassing.

Codeine Dream - Colter Wall: I love this song, it has that feeling that great folk songs do of feeling like you’ve always known it. The strongest moments on this Colter Wall album to me are in songs like this that chase this particular feeling of morose isolation, and where he leans away from storytelling like his biggest hit Kate McCannon - a kind of cliche country murder ballad. This song is fantastic because of the way it wallows in this black depression not as a low point, but as a reprieve from the lower previous point. Things are as bad as they get now, and they’re always going to be like this, but at least I don’t dream of you anymore.

Motorcycle - Colter Wall: I only just found out about Colter Wall this month and have been listening to this album over and over. When I first heard him I though it was strange I'd never heard of him before because he's obviously some old country veteran based off his voice, but it turns out he's 24 and this is his first album he just sings like he ate a cigar. I love this song especially because it's so straighforward. It's a simple and supremely relatable mood: what if I bought a motorbike and fucking died.

Who By Fire - Leonard Cohen: I watched American Animals a couple of weeks ago and it’s a great movie, highly recommended. This song plays near the end and I waited for the credits to find out what this great song was, and like a rube found out it’s only one of the most celebrated songwriters of all time. I’ve never had much of a Leonard Cohen phase, somehow. In my mind I always get him mixed up with Lou Reed, which I’m learning is actually way off. I love the harmony vocals in this, and the way they move around into the shadows in the ‘who shall I say is calling’ parts.

Words From The Executioner To Alexander Pearce - The Drones: Alexander Pearce was a convict who escaped Sarah Island’s penal settlement in Tasmania with seven other convicts in 1822. He was recaptured two months later alone. In 1823 he re-escaped with a fellow convict, Thomas Cox and again was returned alone.He was executed by hanging later having eaten six men during his escape attempts.

It Ain’t All Flowers - Sturgill Simpson: I found this album going through the Pichfork 200 albums of the decade list and I feel like a fool for not having heard it sooner because now I am completely obsessed. Sturgill Simpson is doing the very best work in country music right now because he's looking backwards with one eye and forwards with the other and this song is a great illustration: a perfect Hank Williams Jr type country song with big voiced hollers that morphs into a surprise psych freakout for the whole second half.

Desolation Row (Take 1, Alternate Take) - Bob Dylan: I’ve always liked Desolation Row a lot as a song but the acoustic guitar on the album version is simply not good, it's just kind of mindlessly playing this long directionless solo the whole time and over the course of a song this long it really adds up to just being annoying. Luckily because it’s a Bob Dylan song there’s a whole universe of alternate takes and mixes and this is a great pared down version I found without it. The best kind of Bob Dylan songs are the ones where he just makes an endless stream of allusions and bizzare imagery, and this and Bob Dylan's 115th Dream are my favourite examples of it.

Living On Credit Blues - El Ten Eleven: This is a groove I get stuck in my head a lot, and this is also a song I think would work well as a theme for a tv show. I've been meaning to do a 30 second edit of it just for my own amusement, maybe I'll do that soon. El Ten Eleven are a duo where one guy plays drums and one guys plays a double necked guitar/bass and looping pedals and somehow against all the odds of that description they manage to make emotional, driving instrumental music of very deep feeling, like this song which is one of my all time favourites.

Dusty Flourescent/Wooden Shelves - Talkdemonic: This is sort of a companion Living On Credit Blues, and Talkdemonic are similarly an instrumental duo with good drums. This entire album from 2005 is highly recommended, it's a sort of halfway between the post rock of the time and a kind of acoustic hiphop instrumentals that ends up sounding very rustic and homemade, like a soudtrack for a winter cabin.

Turnstile Blues - Autolux: This is a perfect song, built around a perfect beat. Every part just fits perfectly.

Fort Greene Park - Battles: The new Battles album is finally out and I absolutely love it. I cannot think of another band that has shed members in the same way as Battles; originally a quartet on their first album, then a trio for their second and third and now down to a duo for their fourth album - and somehow still performing material from their first album live. The paring down has seemingly only servers to focus them and the new album sounds fresh but still distinctively Battles, with no sense of anything lost or missing. This song is my standout so far, and the guitar line in particular is so good and interesting to me because I don’t think I’ve ever heard Ian Williams play something so distinctly guitar-y in his whole career. This is a straight up pentatonic riff with bends and everything. Filtered through his usual chopped and looped oddness it feels like he’s almost gone all the back around the guitar continuum and is this close to just doing power chords next album. And I’ll support him!

Diane Young - Vampire Weekend: I've listened to this song a lot in my life and I only looked up the lyrics the other day to find out that the opening line is 'you torched a SAAB like a pile of leaves' which I somehow never noticed. What a power phrase. There's also this very good quote from Ezra about it: "I had this feeling that the world doesn’t want a song called ‘Dying Young’,“ says Koenig, "it just sounded so heavy and self-serious, whereas ‘Diane Young’ sounded like a nice person’s name.”" and he was right to do it. This song is 100 times better because he’s saying Diane Young than it would be if he was saying ‘Dying Young’. That’s a songwriting tip for you.

Monster Mash - Bootsy Collins & Buckethead: Hey did you hear Bootsy Collins and Buckethead did a cover of the monster mash? Thank god for freaks.

The Dark Sentencer - Coheed And Cambria: There's not that many bands that I absolutely loved as a teenager that I've completely abandoned. I've moved on from a lot but I'll still keep up with them if they have a new album or something. Coheed And Cambria are one that I've almost completely turned my back on. They've had 3 apparently pretty patchy albums since I stopped listening after Year Of The Black Rainbow, which was extremely bad and really taught me what people mean when they say an album is 'overproduced'. On a whim I decided to see what they're up to now and listened to their album from last year and guess what: it rocks. It's got everything you'd expect from them: big riffs, bad and confusing lyrics, his weird high voice, overwrought and overlong songwriting, cheesy muscleman solos. Everything about this band is sort of cheesy and embarrassing and takes itself way too seriously, but I'm discovering slowly that that's what's so good about it. The weird pulp sci-fi story and mindset that underpins this whole band is ridiculous and overwrought and as a result it gives the music a reason to exist the way it does. It’s so big and dumb because the story it serves is so big and dumb. It feels exactly like reading Perry Rhodan or some increidibly long and dense but not especially good series like that, it’s pulp music and that’s what I love about it.

Romance In A (6 Hands) - Sergei Rachmaninoff: Piano works for 4 hands (where two guys sit next to each other on the same piano) have always seemed to tend towards the realm of the gimmick or party trick, and works for 6 hands (where three guys do it) even more so - but this Rachmaninoff piece is just beautiful and I can’t believe I haven’t heard of it before this month. It doesn’t overload everyone with a million things to do, it just builds this very wide harmonic bed for the simple melody to swim in - then the way the melody transfers over to the middle register is just magical before the tension of the final section takes over and builds.

Love's Theme - The Love Unlimited Orchestra: I’m so glad I got to learn about the Love Unlimited Orchestra this month. Aside from having one of the best names in music, they were Barry White’s backing band and had their own solo instrumental records too. Here’s a fun aside: Kenny G was a member when he was 17 and still in high school. This is a genre of music that has seemed to totally disappear into the realm of parody and farce only which is sort of a shame because it is unironically very beautiful and dense in its own way.

Dancing In The Moonlight - Liza Minelli: Can you believe I thought Dancing In The Moonlight by Toploader was an original until the other day when my girlfriend played this Liza Minelli version that predates it by several decades? This also isn’t the original! It was written by a band named King Harvest in 1972, with this version AND a version by Young Generation both coming out in 73 and a whole bunch of others in between (including a Baha Men version in 94) before Toploader finally had a proper hit with it in 2000. Truly the world works in mysterious ways. This version is the finest I think, it just goes and goes, frenetically unwinding at a breakneck pace before opening up into a flute solo of all things and then winding up again even and finishing in a kick line breakdown. Absolutely no limits.

Girls - Royal Headache: The sheer amount of power and melody that this song manages to pack into a minute and a half is incredible, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more instantly relatable opening lyric than “Girl! Think they’re to fine for me! Oh girls! And I’m inclined to agree!”

Pov Piti - Matana Roberts: In anticipation of Matana Roberts new volume of her Coin Coin album series that just came out I relistened through the three previous albums and they are even more powerful than I remembered. This song serves as a pretty good mission statement for the whole project, and the heartrending tortured screams that open it set the tone for the rest of it. Matana Roberts sings the injustices of slavery into being, and her sing-song delivery highlights the trauma - her indifferent delivery mirroring the indifference of the world at large. The way she rattles off this story like she’s gone over it a million times and grown numb to the facts only accentuates the pain in the telling, a pain that rises to the surface in the screams of her instrument and herself.  

Kingdoms (G) - Sunn 0))): This new Sun 0))) album is one of my favourites they’ve ever done because it’s so straightforward and back to basics. Every song is just ten minutes of straight up no-nonsense, big, rich, drone. They even put the notes in the track names so you can drone along if you like.

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