#I call myself trans and genderqueer and I’ve been trying so hard to find a more specific label

[donnieisaprettyboy]

you know what. fuck it. I don’t know what my gender is. I use any pronouns. I want top surgery, but I’m unsure about HRT. some days I dress more masculine and some days I dress more feminine but I use any pronouns no matter what. I’m tired of thinking about it, I’m tired of trying to understand it, and I’m tired of trying to label it.

I’m just me, I think.

[lycandrophile]

i’ve been seeing a lot of people on twitter trying to assert the “man vs non-man” binary and i want to talk about how that fucks me over specifically because of my relationship to transmasculinity

the thing with binaries is that there’s always going to be someone who doesn’t fit in either category - we’re complex beings, trying to fit us into two boxes (or any boxes at all, really) will always be overly simplistic

whether or not i am “a man” is a complicated subject - i call myself a trans man, sure, but i’m definitely not the same gender as a cis man or anything close to it, and objectively speaking i think genderqueer is more accurate than man when it comes to my identity; i just use the word man because i like it

does that make me a man or non-man in this sense? who fucking knows! that’s the problem, a lot of trans people have very complicated relationships with the binary genders, and we really can’t say which category we fit into

i am a man in the sense that i call myself one, and a non-man in the sense that gender-wise i have very little in common with the other people in the Man Category

and hell, i already had a hard time asserting my gender to people before - some would hear “man” and ignore my genderqueer-ness because they think manhood is this all-consuming evil that tells them everything they need to know about a person, while others would hear “genderqueer” and ignore my manhood because they see manhood as bad and they think they’re doing me a favor by not connecting me to it

and this whole “man vs non-man” thing just enables them to keep doing that

now, they get to appraise each transmasc person they meet: if they see us as close enough to their definition of manhood, they put us in the Man Category and write us off as evil. if they don’t see us as fitting their definition, they place us in the Non-Man Category and act like they’re doing us a favor

and that’s why this feels so relevant to anti-transmasc transphobia even though it’s not just hurting us - it’s the same shit they’ve been doing to us all along

they LOVE finding new ways to divide transmasc people based on how close to their idea of manhood we are and strip us of the nuances of our identities based on their conclusion, and this is just giving them another way to do that

and the fact that i haven’t really seen anyone addressing this aspect of it confirms my suspicions that a large of it is specifically rooted in anti-transmasc transphobia, because our oppression is the one thing even most trans people don’t want to talk about

[thewolfofthestars]

Questions to Ask When You’re Questioning Your Gender

So I'm trans myself and I've spent a lot of time thinking on this subject and talking to other trans people, as well as people who are questioning their genders. I've learned a lot over the past couple of years about what gender is, what it means to me, what it means to others, what it means to society, and most relevant to this post--how to figure out what your gender actuallly is. Cuz this shit ain't always easy. In fact, most of the time it's pretty hard. So I'm putting together a list of questions you can ask yourself if you're questioning your gender.

Please keep in mind: you probably won't relate to everything on this list! There are trans people who don't relate to this stuff and there are cis people that do relate to this stuff. Not every single thing on this list is a 100% surefire sign you're definitely trans, and you don't need to agree with every single point on the list in order to be trans. I am merely making this list in order to get you thinking in a more helpful and productive way to figure out your gender. Additionally: You do not have to figure out your gender if you don't want to! If you're perfectly content just to call yourself by a big umbrella term like "nonbinary" or "genderqueer", or if you just don't want to put a label to your gender at all, that is absolutely fine. This list doesn't need to be for you.

Highly reccommended reading, btw: The Null HypotheCis--https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

-Do you ever find yourself wishing that you were another gender? How often? How intense are these feelings when they arise?

-Do you ever find yourself wondering what your life would be like if you were born as a different gender? How often? How do you feel when you think about it?

-Do you find yourself looking at or admiring people of another gender very often? Is this admiration not really the same as romantic/sexual attraction--it feels different, somehow? Do these people just look really good or cool to you, in a special way that you can't really explain?

-Do you find yourself feeling jealous of other genders at all? Why do you think you feel this jealousy?

-If you are not otherwise LGBTQ+, do you find yourself feeling connected to or attracted to the LGBTQ+ community in a way you can't really explain? Do you feel attracted to the trans community in particular?

-Do you feel more comfortable or happier around trans/nonbinary people? Do you feel as though you can relate to trans/nonbinary people better than you can relate to cis people?

-If you are attracted to people of the same gender as your AGAB (Assigned Gender At Birth), does "gay" feel like the right word for that attraction or not?

-If you are attracted to people of the opposite gender as your AGAB, does "straight" feel like the right word for that attraction or not?

-Do you have trouble understanding your sexual/romantic orientation? Have you changed your labels several times, or perhaps never put a label on your attraction at all? Have you just kinda slapped a label on at random until further notice?

-Do you feel very uncomfortable engaging with your sexuality at all? Do you identify as asexual or sex-repulsed, because of this discomfort?

-Do you experience distress or discomfort when in sexual situations, for no otherwise discernable reason (i.e. nonconsensual situations or dealing with past sexual trauma)? Do you find yourself dissociating during or after a sexual situation? What about anxiety or panic? Do you find yourself becoming depressed after sex or masturbation?

-Do you find that you need to "get into a different headspace" in order to have sex or masturbate?

-When you wear clothes commonly associated with your AGAB, how does it make you feel? Happy? Sad? Do the clothes feel like you, or does it feel more like a costume, like you're cosplaying or performing in a play? How does it feel when you wear clothes more commonly associated with other genders?

-How do you feel when you imagine yourself far into the future, living as an elderly person? Do you find it hard to imagine yourself in old age as your AGAB? How does it make you feel? What about as other genders?

-Do you find yourself coming up with excuses for reasons that you aren't trans that, when held up to scrutiny, don't actually work? Phrases such as "Well, I didn't know when I was little, I didn't start questioning until I was X age (people of any age can question their gender and figure out they're trans)", or "I don't have genital dysphoria, so I can't be trans (trans people can have all sorts of feelings about their genders--no particular kind of dysphoria is required to be trans, or even any dysphoria at all)".

-Do you find yourself thinking things like "Well, statistically, trans people are so rare, there's no way I'm trans"? What about "I'm already (other marginalized identity(ies)), I can't possibly also be trans"? What about "I have a friend/family member/someone else in my life that's trans, I'd just be copying them"? (None of these things need to mean that you're not trans!)

-Do you have a very "mind over matter" mentality? Were you more of a smarts or arts kid than you were a sporty kid in school? Are you the kind of person who wishes your consciousness could be uploaded to the cloud or something like that, so you can leave this fleshy body of yours behind?

-Do you find yourself frustrated with society's emphasis on gender and gender roles? Do you ever feel that gender doesn't even matter at all, and you're confused as to why everyone cares about it so much?

-Do you feel constrained or trapped by being your AGAB? Do you feel like you would be so much freer and happier as a different gender?

-If you could press a button right now and wake up tomorrow as a cis member of the opposite gender, as if you'd always been that way, with a body of a cis person and with everyone referring to you like that, would you press it?

-Do you believe that everyone of your your AGAB probably wants to be a different gender, at least a little bit? Are you baffled when people of your AGAB don't agree with this sentiment?

-Did you ever wonder if or secretly hope that you were intersex? Did you ever get tested by medical professionals for an intersex condition? If so, how did the results make you feel? Were you happy to learn that you're intersex, or dissappointed to learn that you aren't?

-Does it seem difficult for you to be your AGAB, like it doesn't really come naturally to you, and you have to learn how to do it and actively try to be it? Have you felt like you've needed to construct and maintain an identity for yourself as your AGAB? Do you think being a different gender would feel more natural to you, and you wouldn't have to work at it?

-Do you find yourself thinking thoughts like "Well, I don't hate being my AGAB, but I would prefer to be a different gender/would be happier as a different gender"? (I'll give you a hint--you don't need to hate being your AGAB in order to justify being a different gender! You can just be a different gender if that makes you happier.)

-Do your genitals or reproductive organs upset you? Do you wish you didn't have them? Do you think you'd be happier having the opposite set of genitals/reproductive organs? What about having no genitals/reproductive organs? What about having a mix between the two?

-Do your genitals or reproductive organs not really feel like they're a part of you? Do they feel like a seperate entity that's just attached to you or inside of you, but they aren't really you? Do you dissociate when you look at or think about your genitals/reproductive organs? Do you try to avoid looking at or thinking about them?

-Regarding the above two points--ask yourself these same questions about your secondary sex characteristics (i.e. breasts, body hair, hips, the pitch of your voice, etc.)

-Do you only feel these feelings sometimes? If so, when you don't feel these feelings, do you actually feel good about these aspects of yourself, or do you just feel less bad?

-What if I told you right now that you are absolutely, definitely, 100% a cis person, and that you're not trans at all? How does that make you feel? What if I told you that you're definitely, 100% for-sure a trans person? How does that make you feel?

-Were you a particularly androgynous child or present yourself in a gender non-conforming way when you were younger? Did you ever have a "phase" of presenting in this way?

-Alternatively, did you ever present yourself as a very gender conforming person when you were younger (i.e. hyperfeminine if AFAB or hypermasculine if AMAB)? Did you ever have a "phase" of presenting in this way?

-According to the last two points--did you ever alternate between these two modes of presentation? How did these types of presentation make you feel?

-Are you afraid of the idea of this "trans phase" or "questioning phase" being over? Are you afraid of going back to identifying as the gender you were born as?

-Do you like the idea of being a crossdressing or GNC person of the gender you were assigned at birth, or does the thought of being a different gender make you feel happier? (i.e. if you're AMAB, are you happiest when you think of yourself as a crossdressing boy/drag queen, or do you think you would be happier if you were a girl instead? Or perhaps some other gender?)

-Have you ever taken a "guess your gender/am I trans" quiz online, even just for fun? What were the results? How did the results make you feel? Did you intentionally try to skew your answers toward or away from a particular result? Did you go back and take the quiz again, wanting to get a different result?

-What sorts of gendered terms are you happiest and most comfortable being called by? Do you like the idea of being "mom" or "dad" better? What about "brother" or "sister"? "Girlfriend" or "boyfriend"? Or do you dislike both gendered options, and prefer gender-neutral terms like "parent" or "sibling" or "partner"?

[freudensteins-monster]

Harry Potter logyn

I’m so sorry Anon, I have zero idea how many years ago this prompt was sent, because it has almost definitely been years, but I just skimmed past this ask today and honestly can’t remember seeing it before… But let’s not dwell on that - I wrote 1400 words in one (5hr) sitting. Go me.

And yes, I know we may not be loving a certain author right now, but I may have also made Sigyn trans, for certain reasons.

I also made Loki genderqueer using they/them pronouns. I usually write Loki as he/him and kept reverting back to that as I wrote, so if I missed any in editing I apologise.

Transfiguration 

Loki had hated almost every minute of their last five yearsat Hogwart’s, and considering they’d gotten detention their first week back, theirsixth year wasn’t shaping up to be any better.

It started when they’d been sorted into Ravenclaw, which wasboth a blessing and a curse. It rankled them that they hadn’t been sorted intoGryffindor like their adopted brother, Odin’s golden child, Thor.And they were somewhat ashamed to know they weren’t worthy enough (pure bloodedenough) to have been sorted into Slytherin like their half-brothers Helblindiand Býleistr, who had thankfully graduated by the time Loki had entered their thirdyear.

All them of them were assholes who ignored Loki at best or knockedthem off their broom during a quidditch match, breaking their arm in threeplaces, at worst (Odin had sent a raven congratulating Thor on his victory).

But being sorted into Ravenclaw, as much as it made Lokifeel lesser than their brothers, at least allowed them some time away from them.Things might have been better if Loki had managed to make some close friends,rather than just the occasional study buddy/academic rival. And it might haveall been tolerable if only Frigga was still alive to remind them of theirworth.

The arrival of the perpetually grim Professor Snape pulled Lokifrom their depressing musings. It also brought the presence of another student to Loki’s attention as she filed in behind Snape andquickly took a seat.

“You were almost late, Ms Anderson.”

“Sorry Professor. I got lost,” the Hufflepuff girl admitted bashfully with light eastern European accent. “The stairs at Durmstrang don’t move.”

“You’re not in Durmstrang anymore, so I suggest you get usedto it. Quickly.”

Loki bristled at Snape’s tone but kept their mouth shut. Onedetention their first week back was more than enough.

“Now, for the rest of the evening, for however long ittakes, the two of you will be returning these old textbooks and reference booksto the library and reshelving them for Madam Pince – without the aid of magic,”he intoned, gesturing at a small bookshelf crammed full of books.

Loki didn’t give him the satisfaction of groaning.

“What is it Ms Anderson?”

“I’m sorry, professor, but… where’s the library?”

Snape sighed. “I’m sure Mr Borson can show you. I want thisbookshelf empty before my first class in the morning.”

Loki glared at Snape’s retreating back before turning it onthe pile of books. When the sound of Snape’s footsteps finally faded, only thendid Loki get out of their seat. They put together a stack of books, as tall as theydared carry, and almost lost them all when they turned right into Ms Anderson.

“Watch it,” they hissed, stabilising their books.

“Sorry,” the girl muttered as she ducked behind Loki to graba stack of books almost as tall as theirs.

“Come on,” they groused, leading the girl away from the dank Potions classroom.

Halfway to the library Loki broke and attempted to makeconversation with the new girl.

“What was your name?” they asked, loathed as they were tocontinue using the same name Snape called her.

“Sigyn,” she puffed as she tried to keep pace with Loki. “Yours?”

“Loki. I don’t think I’ve heard of a student transferring infrom another school before. It’s quite unusual.”

“There were unusual circumstances,” she replied vaguely.Loki was intrigued didn’t think she’d be more forthcoming if they pushed.

Silence fell between until they reached the library. Loki, ignoringMadam Pince’s stern gaze, led them over to the Potions section. They stared atthe two stacks of books now sitting in front of them and thought about thebooks still waiting to be collected.

“What do you think about us splitting up? I’ll got getanother batch of books while you shelve, then we can trade on and off until weshelve the last of the books together? Might be faster.”

“Okay,” she agreed.

“Can you figure it out?” they asked, gesturing towards theshelves.

Sigyn rolled her eyes. “Yes. They have libraries atDurmstrang, you know.”

“Did they now,” Loki teased before racing off back to the Potionsclassroom.

Within forty minutes they had ferried all of the books overand only had a dozen or so left to shelve. It was then, as they stood in closequarters, that Sigyn made her own attempts at conversation.

“So… what are you in detention for?”

“The usual; talking back to Snape. I kept telling him to usemy preferred pronouns – or “your majesty” if “they” was too hard for him - andhe kept insisting on being an ass.”

“Pronouns?” Sigyn asked with no hint of revulsion, onlycuriosity.

“Mm… They/Them. I consider myself genderqueer. And thisstupid school won’t let me wear makeup, or a skirt under my robes, you’d thinkthe least they could do is respect my pronouns. Most professors and students doit without making a fuss, but some people,” they growled, shoving a book ratherforcibly onto the shelf, “just like to be assholes.”

Sigyn was quiet for a moment, her eyes flicking between Lokiand the book in her hand.

“I’m trans,” she admitted. “Durmstrang and my mother wouldonly accept me as a boy, so my father moved us to Ireland and arranged for meto transfer to Hogwarts. So now I get to be Sigyn,” she added with a softsmile.

“Is that why you’re in detention? Did Snape give you shitfor being trans?”

“What? Oh, no,” she said with a shake of her head. “I don’tthink he knows – only Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey had to beinformed, as far as my father told me.”

“Huh… one point for Hogwarts,” Loki muttered. “Then what didyou do to get detention?”

“I punched someone,” Sigyn blushed. “There was this 7thyear boy and his friends casting some sort of wind spell to blow girls’ skirtsup as they walked passed. All the girls were mortified and the boys thought itwas great fun. When he tried to do it to me, I walked right over to him andpunched him in the nose.”

Loki had a feeling they knew who would do something sorepugnant and looked downright gleeful at the thought of him getting some comeuppance.

“Who did you punch?”

“Um… I think his name was… Thot?”

Loki laughed so loud it drew the ire of Madam Pince.

“Sorry,” they called back, not remorseful in the least. “Thor,”they corrected.

“You know him?”

“Regrettably. He is my brother. Adopted.”

“You needn’t get defensive,” Sigyn smiled as she slotted thelast book into place. “So far I think you have little in common with such abrute.”

Loki smiled back. “So… all finished. Do you think you canfind your way back to your dormitory from here?”

Sigyn winced. Loki chuckled.

“Come on, I’ll show you.”

“Don’t make fun of me,” she pouted as she followed him outof the library. “Durmstrang was not as large as this place, and the layout mademuch more sense.”

“You’ll figure it out eventually,” he smirked. “What yearare you in?”

“Sixth.”

“Really? Me too. I don’t think I’ve seen you around though.”

It turned out that they were both taking Charms, Herbology,and Defence Against the Dark Arts, but Sigyn’s Herbology class and Loki’sPotion’s class caused a scheduling conflict so they would rarely be in the sameclasses on the same days. But they would be both be taking the sameTransfiguration class, they happily discovered, first up the very next morning.

“I’ll see you then,” Loki said as they brought her to thestairwell that would lead down to the Hufflepuff dormitories. “Presuming youdon’t get lost.”

“I’ll try not to,” she smiled bashfully before wishing Lokigoodnight with a kiss on the cheek.

Loki waited until Sigyn was out of sight before making theirway back to Ravenclaw Tower. They couldn’t stop smiling. In less than an hourthey’d found a new study buddy, quite possibly made a new friend, and maybe, ifthe way Sigyn blushed when she kissed them meant anything, they might just finishthe term with a girlfriend who liked them just as they are.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

I’d go so far as to say that the nomination probably saved the site, in fact. For those who need a little background: despite being a small voluntary project the site was nominated for the 2014 Publication of the Year award by Stonewall, the UK’s largest LGBT charity, just nine months after its inception. This was a landmark step in Stonewall’s positive new direction on bi issues. To the best of my knowledge, this was the first time Stonewall had specifically nominated a specifically bi publication or organisation for an award. At this point my co-founder, who was taking care of the business side of things, had recently jumped ship and I was seriously considering packing the whole thing in. I won’t lie, I was astonished to read the email.

I’d worked on a publication which won the award under my editorship a few years previously. Unlike Biscuit, however, g3 magazine – at the time one of the two leading print mags for lesbian and bi women in the UK – had an estimated readership of 140,000, had been going for eight years and boasted full-time paid office staff and regular paid freelancers. Biscuit, by contrast, was being dragged along by one weary unpaid editor and a bunch of unpaid writers who understandably, for the most part, couldn’t commit to regularly submitting work.

Little Biscuit’s enormous competition for the award consisted of Buzzfeed, Attitude.co.uk, iNewspaper and Property Week. We didn’t win – that accolade went to iNewspaper – but the nomination was nevertheless, as I say, a huge catalyst to continue with the site. I launched a crowdfunder, which finished way off target. I sold one ad space, for two months. Then nothing. I attempted in vain to recruit a sales manager but nobody wanted to work on commission. Some wonderful writers came and went. There were periods of tumbleweed when I frantically had to fill the site with my own writing, thereby completely defeating the object of providing a platform for a wide range of bi voices.

The Stonewall Award nomination persuaded me to keep going with the site

The departure of the webmaster was another blow. Thankfully by this point I had a co-editor on board – the amazing Libby – so I was persuaded to stick with it. And here we are now. I don’t actually know where the next article is coming from. That’s not a good feeling. But, apart from for Biscuit, I try not to write for free anymore myself, so I understand exactly why that is. As a freelance journo trying to make a living I’ve had to be strict with myself about that. I regularly post on the “Stop Working For Free” Facebook group and often feel a pang of misplaced guilt because I ask my writers to write for free, even though I’m working on the site for free myself, and losing valuable time I could be spending on looking for paid work.

Biscuit hasn’t exactly been a stranger to controversy, in addition to its financial and staffing issues. Its original tagline – “for girls who like girls and boys” – was considered cis-centric by some, leading to accusations that the site had some kind of trans/genderqueer*-phobic agenda. Which was amusing, as at the height of this a) we’d just had two articles about non-binary issues published and b) I was actually engaged to a genderqueer partner, a fact they were clearly unaware of. Now the site is under fire from various pansexual activists who object to the term “bisexual”. To clarify – “girl and boys” was supposed to imply a spectrum and, no, we don’t think “bi” applies only to an attraction to binary folk. The site aims the main part of its content at female-spectrum readers attracted to more than one gender because this group does have specific needs. But there is something here for EVERYONE bisexual. Anyway, it’s a shame all of this gossip was relayed secondhand, and the people in question didn’t think to confront me about it (which at least the pan activists have bothered to do). We damage our community immeasurably with these kinds of Chinese whispers.

Biscuit ed Libby, being amazing

Whilst trying to keep the site afloat, I’ve also been building on the work I started right back when I edited g3, and trying to improve bi visibility in other media outlets. I’ve recently had articles published by Cosmopolitan, SheWired, The F-Word, GayStar News and Women Make Waves and I’m constantly emailing other sites which I’ve not yet written for with bi pitches. Unfortunately, although I am over the moon to be writing for mainstream outlets such as Cosmo about bi issues, it’s been an uphill struggle trying to persuade some editors out there that they have more readers to whom bi-interest stories apply than they might think. It’s an incredibly exhausting and frustrating process.

Libby and I are doing our best with Biscuit. I can’t guarantee that I would be doing anything at all with it if Libby hadn’t arrived on the scene, so once again I would like to mention how fabulous she is. But we desperately need more writers. We need some help with site design and tech issues. We need a hand with the business and sales side of things. We can’t do it without you. And if you know any rich bisexual heiresses who read Biscuit, please do send them our way. 😉

Grant Denkinson’s story

denkinsonpanel

Grant speaks on a panel chaired by Biscuit’s Lottie at a Bi Visibility Day event

So first of all, explain a little about the activism you’re involved/have been involved in. 


“I’ve been involved with bisexual community organising for a bit over 20 years. Some has been within community: writing for and editing our national newsletter, organising events for bisexuals and helping others with their events by running workshop sessions or offering services such as 1st aid. I’ve spoken to the media about bisexuality and organised bi contingents at LGBT Pride events (sometimes just me in a bi T-shirt!). I’ve helped organise and participated in bi activist weekends and trainings. I’ve help train professionals about bisexuality. I’ve also piped up about bisexuality a lot when organising within wider LGBT and gender and sexuality and relationship diversity umbrellas. I’ve been a supportive bi person on-line and in person for other bi folks. I’ve been out and visibly bi for some time. I’ve helped fund bi activists to meet, publish and travel. I’ve funded advertising for bi events. I’ve set up companies and charities for or including bi people. I’ve personally supported other bi activists.”


What made you get involved?

“
In some ways I was looking for a way to be outside the norm and to make a difference and coming out as bi gave me something to push against. I’ve been less down on myself when feeling attacked. I’ve also found the bi community very welcoming and where I can be myself and so wanted to organise with friends and to give others a similar experience. There weren’t too many others already doing everything better than I could.”

How do you feel about the state of bi activism worldwide (esp UK and USA) at the moment?

“There have been great changes for same-sex attracted people legally and socially and these have happened quickly. Bi people have been involved with making that happen and benefit from it. We can also be hidden by gay advances or actively erased. We still have bi people not knowing many or any other local bi people, not seeing other bisexuals in the mainstream or LGT worlds and not knowing or being able to access community things with other bis. We are little represented in books or the media and people don’t know about the books and zines and magazines already available. The internet has made it easy to find like-minded people but also limited privacy and I think is really fragmented and siloed. It is hard to find bisexuals who aren’t women actors, harmful or fucked up men or women in pornography designed for straight men. We have persistent and high quality bi events but they are sparse and small.”

What’s causing you to feel disillusioned?

“I’m fed up of bi things just not happening if I don’t do them. Not everything should be in my style and voice and I shouldn’t be doing it all. I and other activists campaign for bi people to be more OK and don’t take care of ourselves enough while doing so. People are so convinced we don’t exist they don’t bother with a simple search that would find us. We have little resources while having some of the worst outcomes of any group. I don’t want to spend my entire life being the one person who reminds people about bisexuals, including our so-called allies. I’m not impressed with the problem resolution skills in our communities and while we talk about being welcoming I’m not sure we’re very effective at it. I’m fed up with mouthing the very basics and never getting into depth about bi lives and being one who supports but who is not supported. I’m all for lowering barriers but at a certain point if people don’t actively want to do bi community volunteering it won’t happen. Some people are great critics but build little.”

What do you want to say to other activists about this?

“Why are we doing this personally? I’m not sure we know. How long will we hope rather than do? Honestly, are there so few who care? Alternatively should we stop the trying to do bi stuff and either do some self-analysis, be happy to accept being what we are now as a community, chill out and just let stuff happen or give up and go and do something else instead.”

Patrick Richards-Fink’s story

085d4de So first of all, explain a little about the activism you’re involved/have been involved in.

“Mostly internet – I am a Label Warrior, a theorist and educator. Here’s how I described it on my blog: “One of the reasons that I am a bisexual activist rather than a more general queer activist is because I see every day people just like me being told they don’t belong. It doesn’t mean I don’t work on the basic issues that we all struggle against — homophobia, heterosexism, classism, out-of-control oligarchy, racism, misogyny, this list in in no particular order and is by no means comprehensive. But I have found that I can be most effective if I focus, work towards understanding the deep issues that drive the problems that affect people who identify the same way that I have ever since I started to understand who I am. I find that I’m not a community organizer type of activist or a storm the capitol with a petition in one hand and a bullhorn in the other activist — I’m much better at poring over studies and writing long wall-o’-text articles and occasionally presenting what I’ve gleaned to groups of students until my voice is so hoarse that I can barely do more than croak.” So internet, and when I was still in school, a lot of on-campus stuff. Now I’m moving into a new phase where my activism is more subtle – I’m working as a therapist, and so my social justice lens informs my treatment, especially of bi and trans people.”

What made you get involved?

“I can’t not be.”

How do you feel about the state of bi activism worldwide (esp UK and USA) at the moment?

“I feel like we made a couple strides, and every time that happens the attacks renewed. I hionestly think the constant attempts to divide the bisexual community into ‘good pansexuals’ and ‘bad bisexuals’ and ‘holy no-labels’ is the thing that’s most likely to screw us.”

What’s causing you to feel disillusioned?



“It is literally everywhere I turn – colleges redefining bisexuality on their LGBT Center pages, news articles quoting how ‘Bi=2 and pan=all therefore pan=better’, everybloodywhere I turn I see it every day. The word bi is being taken out of the names of organisations now, by the next group of up-and-comers who haven’t bothered to learn their history and understand that if you erase our past, you take away our present. Celebrities come out as No Label, wtf is that. Don’t they make kids read 1984 anymore? It’s gotten to the point now that even seeing the word pansexual in print triggers me. I’m reaching the point now that if someone really wants to be offended when all I am trying to do is welcome them on board, then I don’t have time for it.”

What do you want to say to other activists about this?

“Stay strong, and don’t give them a goddamned inch. I honestly think that the bi organizations – even, truth be told, the one I am with – are enabling this level of bullshit by attempting to be conciliatory, saying things that end up reinforcing the idea that bi and pan are separate communities. We try to be too careful not to offend anyone. Like the thing about Freddie Mercury. Gay people say ‘He was gay.’ Bi people say ‘Um, begging your pardon, good sirs and madams and gentlefolk of other genders, but Freddie was bi.’ And they respond ‘DON’T GIVE HIM A LABEL HE DIDN’T CLAIM WAAHHH WAAHHH!’ And yet… Freddie Mercury never used the label ‘gay’, but it’s OK when they do it. And he WAS bisexual by any measure you want to use. But we back down. And 2.5% of the bisexual population decides pansexual is a better word, and instead of educating them, we add ‘pan’ to our organisation names and descriptions. Now, this is clearly a dissenting view – I will always be part of a united front where my organization is concerned. But everyone knows how I feel, and I think it’s totally valid to be loyal and in dissent at the same time. Not exactly a typically American viewpoint, but everyone says I’d be a lot more at home in Britain than I am here anyway.”

[tiergan-vashir]

Hi. Just want to thank you for being open about your experiences. Seeing your posts is part of what made me think about whether I’m actually cis or not. Idk what to call myself because I never questioned myself until now, mostly because I’ve always been called a pretty girl (sorry that that sounds arrogant) and figured that’s what I should be. But recently I started thinking about things I did as a kid or even stories I wrote. And I realized that before I even I guess knew the pressures of (1/4)

Hey Anon! I’m going to put my response to you under a cut, because it’s quite long, but I hope it might help and be of some use to you on your journey with your gender.

I think the most useful thing a friend has ever told me when it came to gender is that “Cis people don’t really think about it.”  Cis women don’t typically sit and yearn or dream of being a different gender, wearing a different gender’s clothes with a different gender’s body. If you’re worrying or even considering that the gender you were assigned at birth might not be the gender you truly are - I think that’s something worthy of giving some space and putting some time into in order to explore and discover the different parts of yourself.

If you do all that exploration and internal reflection and decide in the end, that you really are cis after all - then at least you reaffirmed it for yourself and maybe learned some new things about yourself along the way that can lead to greater creativity and self-expression.  But if you realise you’re not cis, you can start walking down a path to even more self-acceptance and self-discovery.

When it comes to gender dysphoria and whether or not you may have it, I would say that sometimes people have set notions on what gender dysphoria is and completely miss that they’ve been experiencing it at all. There’s actually different types of gender dysphoria and different folks experience them in different ways (or not at all. For example, someone might feel physically dysphoric but not socially or vice versa).  I would also try to look out for instances of gender euphoria, which can also be a telling sign.

In my personal experience, I didn’t know being nonbinary was an even option until just a few years ago.  After that, I still doubted my gender, because when it came to dysphoria, literally all the stories I’d ever heard were ones where trans folks were so powerfully dysphoric that living life as their assigned birth gender was absolutely unbearable.

Because I’d never heard anything different, I thought that being in a constant, state of overwhelming suffering was mandatory part of the trans experience before you transition and that if you weren’t utterly miserable, depressed, or suicidal as a pre-transition trans person, it meant you were cis. Period. I had no idea at the time that dysphoria can actually come in different forms (social and physical) and can come in varying degrees of strength. 

This youtube video is the best way I’ve ever heard someone describe how I personally also have experienced gender dysphoria, which is as an ever present ‘hum’.  Background noise that is so constant that you start to not hear it anymore, because it’s always there. Being referred to by she/her pronouns didn’t really bug me (though that’s changed now if I can tell someone’s intentionally trying to misgender me). I don’t HATE my body. I just feel a little awkward about it and don’t really like looking at it all that much - but I thought that was kinda normal for anyone who wasn’t a super model.  I hated most women’s clothing for most of my life, but I just kinda thought I just didn’t like fashion. I could live as a woman if I had to, even if I sometimes found myself wishing and dreaming (both figuratively and literally) I was a tall handsome man instead.

Meanwhile, just like that video above also describes: gender euphoria was like a bell.  This bright, short-lived flash of happiness and joy.  Every time someone referred to me as he/his OOC, I felt this burst of happiness and excitement.  Every time I saw pictures online of androgynous people or women that could dress so masculinely people mistook them for men, I felt a joyful rush. (The Kpop singer Amber had me obsessed for weeks. I thought I had a crush on her, until I realised I straight up wished I could BE her, because so many people mistook her for a boy in a girl’s band.)

There were several times in the past where I low-key avoided telling people what my gender was IRL when I played as male characters in other games, because I wanted to spend just a little more time getting to enjoy people calling me by male pronouns OOC.  And when I was a young teenager RPing male characters, I straight up lied to my RP buddy and told them I was a boy, crafting this whole other persona of this tall, handsome male version of myself.  I liked being seen as a boy so much that I didn’t want to ruin the illusion of it.

Unfortunately, this backfired when this RP buddy and I became very close and they eventually wanted to visit me IRL.  I spent hours trying on my brother’s clothes, and then burst into tears, because my body was all wrong and I just could not pass as male at all.  It was the strongest gender dysphoria I’d ever felt in my life.

I feel like that should probably have been the moment I realised I wasn’t quite cis, but I didn’t even know what ‘transgender’ or ‘nonbinary’ was at that time. And even when I did learn it was a thing, living as a girl/woman wasn’t CONSTANT SUSTAINED SUFFERING to me, so the thought that I might not be cis didn’t even register.

It was instead the repeated, consistent bursts of gender euphoria over the years that eventually made me question myself and my gender.  Noticing again and again how much more ecstatic and joyful I felt when seeing people who were visibly genderqueer or when people referred to me by he/him pronouns or just thought I was a man, really hit home.

Unfortunately, people don’t really talk about gender euphoria very much at all when it comes to the trans experience, just about the suffering.  Even now, I still sometimes get hit with bursts of “but is it really enough? have I suffered enough to earn this label? Am I a ‘transtrender’?”  Sometimes the joy and happiness at being gendered correctly is also a really good sign.

The funny thing is, once I realised I wasn’t a cis woman, I was able to re-examine traditionally feminine things see how I felt about them.  Like I mentioned in another post, I used to HATE and feel frustrated by make-up. Now I love it and deeply enjoy it now that I feel like it’s about my own self-expression instead of me doing something because it’s what women are supposed to do.  I discovered I love long, elaborate earrings and want to wear those things regularly  While I generally prefer more androgynous clothing, there are a few very feminine pieces of clothing I really like (and some that make me so dysphoric I yeeted them into the trash).

On the flipside, I also found out I really, really fucking love suits and want to look and feel powerful in one. I want several masculine-cut vests, and ties as soon as I find ones I like that actually fit me. I love anything that minimizes the existence of my boobs and want to fine more masculine footwear (though that’s hard, because I have tiny feet).  I tossed most of my bras out and replaced them with bralettes.  And I love blending the masculine and feminine together.  I was ecstatic when a friend told me that I achieved Peak Gender Confusion Inducement with my new haircut. Seeing Billly Porter in his gown + tuxedo jacket combo made my heart fucking sing.

I feel really free and empowered to be more myself than I have in a long time. And I hope, if anything else, your exploration helps you find that in yourself too regardless of what your gender winds up being in the end.

Hope this helps! Sorry this was so long.

[eveninglottie]

write what you want regardless of the genders. it's better to spit the story out and then go back and revise then get hung up on whether or not every interaction or plot point could be part of an 800 word call-out tweet-longer that briefly trends on fanfic twitter. everyone comes at fiction from their own distinct background. you could write the most 'pure' romance ever, regardless of the genders, and it could still inadvertently trigger someone or raise concerns. comfort can be misleading.

so I don’t want you to think I’m disagreeing with you here, because you’re right. people spend way too much time thinking out the possible doomsday scenarios of what they might do instead of just doing it to see what happens. I am one of those people, for sure, it’s stopped me from doing pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to do my whole life, so we’re on the same page here with both the concept of not worrying about what other people will think and also how no one holds the magic gatekeeping key which dictates what is problematic or not. every person is different and some things will upset people in a way that doesn’t upset you. that’s just a given. 

but I think that’s not really helpful when you’re trying to figure out your own motivations for doing something. 

like, yes, is a lot of this affected by how I think other people will react to things I create? of course. everything i do will be affected by how I think other people will react. that’s just how my brain works, and it’s my job to keep growing more confident in myself to counteract that (because the older you get you really do give less of a fuck and boy it’s so nice!!) what I was trying to bring up in that post was my own reasons for feeling more comfortable writing one thing than another. 

because I just think it’s fascinating and complicated and I’ve mentioned more than once to friends that it really just surprised me how freeing writing m/m has been vs m/f. it’s like my descent into sk was this moment of enlightenment when I realized “hey this is a hell of a lot easier to talk about when there are two boys involved!” like I realize that the majority of my writing the past two years has been on my own, and even though I can tell you’ve I’ve written well over 500k words and only posted maybe a fifth of that I can’t prove what I’m about to say so you’re just going to have to take my word for it, BUT I’ve included so much more discussion about sexuality and how characters express it and grow with it and figure out for themselves what they are. like it was never a thing I thought about a lot when I was writing my m/f fics (even tho all the women were still bi but that’s a whole other barrel of monkeys). it was never me sitting down and interrogating my choice for writing that pairing the way I did. I just did it. (I didn’t stop to consider the gender is what I mean, I thought about literally all the other things but gender and sexuality were not included in that) but now there’s a whole other sphere of characterization that I keep finding myself drawn to, and even without realizing it, it becomes a big part of how I write certain characters. (like deciding to write keith as demi while still being sexually and physically attracted to shiro has been really eye opening for me as someone on the asexual spectrum.)

because like, for example, I wrote a fem!bilbo fic, right? so clearly I was thinking about gender a bit, but most of that had to do with me having always reimagined that story (and lotr) with female protagonists. that’s what I did with a lot of childhood faves, actually, eragon, harry potter being two of the most prominent, and thinking about fem!bilbo and how that would change the story especially if she was in a relationship with thorin and the shire was maybe a bit more stifling for a woman, etc. - BUT that was one of those pairings that I’d never been drawn to when it was m/m. I couldn’t really get into it, and I was not a fan of the hobbit movies at all, honestly, and I tried, and it was only when I switched things around did that fic click for me, but I wonder a lot if I were to have come to hobbit fic later, after I’d gotten over my aversion to m/m (not in general, just me writing it, because reasons), would I have written it with bilbo as a boy? would I have been less likely to imagine bilbo as a woman? or was it a number of factors that led me to write that fic which really couldn’t have existed in any other incarnation, and would it have been a different fic entirely?

(the hp thing in particular is SO WEIRD to think about now because a lot of what I’ve been grappling with in my drarry fic is very male-centric? not like in a bad way, just thinking about the rivalry and bonds between boys and how boys look up to their male mentors and authority figures in very different ways than they do their female counterparts and also what does being interested in other boys do to one’s internalized and very misogynistic/homophobic ideas of Legacy and Family and Proper Gender Expression specifically when it comes to sex with other men like it’s Very Gendered in my head and it’s hard to separate that from what I used to be interested in which has expressed itself in other ways, specifically roslyn as chosen one in ascendant which I’ve said before was the result of a decade of rewriting those boy heroes as girls because I felt so connected to them and wanted girls to be every bit as important as boys, like I could draw a straight line from me writing bits and bobs of girl!harry as a fourteen year old and me writing roslyn in ascendant and wow I kind of want to punch myself in the face for how long I’ve rambled on about my own stuff but you know what no this is my tumblr and I get to obsessively and exhaustively talk about my own fictional worlds if I want to)

so it’s been a bit of a mindfuck trying to reconcile this shift in my own interests with the fact that I am a woman who identifies as largely asexual. and I think it’s important to sit down with yourself every once in a while and really look at the things you produce and do some self-examination. because I do wonder a lot if my comfort writing m/m now is because of this lack of pressure I normally feel when writing female characters or if it’s because I don’t have to interact with Me As Author so much when I write about boys because I am not a boy or if it’s because I feel a lot more comfortable identifying as queer when for the majority of my life I’d forced myself to be straight even though it didn’t feel right. 

then there’s the whole conversation about women writing m/m and how a lot of queer men feel they’re being fetishized or that their stories are being appropriated by women, in the same way that white people writing stories about people of color can be appropriative, men writing about women, straights writing about lgbtq+, cis people writing about trans or genderqueer people, et cetera with literally any minority being written by someone not from that minority, right? 

and I think it’s a bit reductive to say that it doesn’t matter. because it does matter. you’re right in saying that it matters to someone and I think the job of anyone who creates any kind of content is to think about that and be mindful that you don’t create in a vacuum. your art has power even if you don’t think it does, if you don’t want it to, and that’s something no one should take for granted.

now, I am not saying that certain people do not have the right to write certain stories. no one has the right to write anything, just as no one is forbidden from writing anything. and no one writing anything should be harassed for writing something that people perceive is out of their wheelhouse (because a lot of marginalizations are not visible! abuse, disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, whether you’re neurotypical or not! and there’s no requirement that you make public your trauma/identity to provide cred! in fact it’s kind of horrific that anyone thinks this!) it’s a complicated dynamic but the more we talk about these things the easier it is when a marginalized person says, “hey this thing you wrote is kind of bad,” the writer can go “oh man I’m sorry, let me think about it and see what I did wrong so I can do better in the future” OR “oh wow I see what you mean, but this is important to me” and the reader can go “I respect your right to write what you want and in the future I’ll do more to shield myself from this kind of content” instead of Cancelling someone because they didn’t effectively prostrate themselves before the ultimate judges of problematic content, a bunch of randos on the internet.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, yes, I agree with you that it’s not necessary to worry about this stuff, and that a lot of it is energy wasted especially when you’re worrying about theoretical responses from people who read your stuff, but that’s not helpful to me, because I think that’s disregarding the fact that we live in a society with weird power dynamics that are constantly shifting. I think it’s my job as someone who is mentally capable of dealing with this kind of self-examination to push back on some of these things when I can. because if I didn’t challenge myself every once in a while, I wouldn’t grow as a person or a writer and if there was one mantra I would live my life by besides the assertion that I would be blissfully happy if I downloaded my consciousness into a robot body, it would be that You Have To Be Okay With Critique and It’s Good When People Call You Out In A Safe Setting, like everyone is a dick and an asshole and a Bad Person and pretending you’re not is the most useless battle you could ever fight. we contain multitudes and some of those tudes are downright ugly.

quick sidebar: I would not have been able to have this kind of conversation with myself four years ago, and something I have not even talked about is how my shift toward more m/m content began at the same time as I was getting used to getting medical treatment for my grab bag of mental illnesses, like it’s pretty obvious that I got into sk right about the time I settled into my meds so what does That even mean?? so many THINGS to consider!!

idk. I know when I write stuff like this people think I’m beating myself up over it, but I’m really not. I just like talking about it sometimes and this tumblr is where all my neuroses go to live forever more in the annals of this blue hell until I chicken out and delete them the next day. I guess I know that when I read other people talking about things I’ve also been thinking about, it’s nice to hear. and as this is something that is still new to me, fandom in general is still bonkers to a part of my brain because I came into it as an adult, the whole conversation (if there even is a conversation because there might not be but there’s one going on in my brain) about women writing m/m is interesting complicated and something I think about a lot. clearly without any real focus or conclusions to be drawn, because I dropped out of college and never learned how to make my point in a concise and understandable manner. 

anyway I hope you don’t read this as me arguing with you nonny, I just wanted to clarify what I mean in the original post

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1. Ive been questioning my gender a lot recently. I questioned if I was bi & when I thought of myself as being a nonbinary person it felt like it confirmed I liked women. In other words something felt off but I knew I wasnt straight. That I wanted a gf and bf. But I didnt feel I could say I was same gender attracted (not in a homophobic way). I mean I do feel sometimes like a girl or mostly like one but sometimes I feel gender neutral. Or if I feel feminine I feel like a feminine guy not girl.

2. But then I worry it’s not real I’m just faking or something. Or I’ll go back to feeling more like a girl again so it makes me worry I wasn’t right. Like do I even have a right to identify as nonbinary? Idk what if it isn’t real? I don’t want people to think I’m lying. I still use she/her pronouns and I like my name. I just hate my upper body so much. I also don’t know how to tell between how I feel and how I present. But I think I want to present a certain way because I feel that way

First, a little note that no multispectrum identities, bi included, require same gender attraction. Just to validate your feelings there.

And second, this ask is extremely relatable to me. I feel extremely similar to a lot of how you describe feeling. So I’m going to give you the advice I’ve been trying to internalize for myself.

So long as you feel at any point that you aren’t exclusively a binary man/boy or exclusively a binary woman/girl, you can claim the identity nonbinary. Even if you sometimes feel like one or both of those binary identities fit you, if you also sometimes don’t, or you feel both of those (together or shifting/switching between them) you can still call yourself nonbinary.

I know it can be tough as someone who has a changing gender to feel like you’re faking, or lying to yourself, or that you’re wrong about your gender identity when you shift/switch to a gender that is/feels similar to or the same as your AGAB. Especially if you stay as that gender for a long period of time. (Believe me, I know, I’ve been sitting as something close to a woman in terms of my gender for nearly a month and I keep invalidating myself for it.) But remember your past experiences. Remember those times that you’ve felt, in your case, gender neutral, or like a feminine guy. The fact that you’ve had those experiences and may have similar experiences again if and when your gender changes sometime in the future means that you do have a gender that changes. And even if it’s stable for now, those past experiences and potential future experiences with your gender mean that you aren’t cis and can call yourself nonbinary, or genderfluid, or genderqueer, or any number of labels that fit a variety of experiences up to this point and beyond.

And as for pronouns and name, remember that those don’t inherently have a gender. They’re commonly viewed as gendered things, and many people have ingrained that, and so it’s important to respect those people in how they feel, but you don’t have to feel the same way. It’s not all that uncommon for nonbinary/genderfluid people, especially if they do - even just sometimes - identify as their AGAB or something close to it, to sometimes or even always be comfortable with the pronouns assigned to them at birth and their name. You’ve been referred to by those pronouns and that name for however long you’ve been alive, so of course it’s possible for you to feel comfortable with them, even if they’re seen as being gendered by society.

And presentation versus identity... can very definitely be hard to parse out. But they’re not always completely separate, and the way you present very well might be linked to how you identify. It doesn’t have to, but for you it might. Experimenting, in my experience, is the best way to figure all that out. Experiment with calling yourself (or having safe people call you) different genders, pronouns, etc. Experiment with different presentations. See if they’re linked for you, or if there’s any that appeal to you. And don’t be afraid to have fun with it! People always portray trans and nonbinary experiences as being unpleasant, to the point where they’re only suffering. And of course some people feel that way. But it’s also completely fine to enjoy expressing and experimenting with your gender!

I hope I’ve helped in some way, and I hope you find a way to identify, present, and be yourself in a way that makes you happy!

Jenn

[achublesumi]

Gay Pride Month 2018: I am Fluxsexual

So, I've decided to write about my pride, but not the boastful "Oh I'm perfect," pride. I'm talking gay shit. I don't know if that's really any better, but, honestly, it's one of the bigger facets of my being. I had always been gay and trans. Some of the earliest memories was me dressing as a boy, trying to pee standing up. They are memories I smile at and remember fondly, though I also have the scary, anxious memories as most of us LGBTQI people do. Remembering things like having my mom tell me I need to get a training bra (it literally wrecked my world because I had always seen myself as more masculine). Having to come out over and over again every time I found out something new about myself. That's always nerve-wracking.

So, I'm coming out again. Or, at least, explaining my seemingly complicated sexuality and gender. Do I need to? No, but I want people to understand me. I want to be open to those that have inquiring minds, or even harsh words. I want ignorant people to read this and scream at their god about how sinful I am. At least they now have some knowledge of our struggles as a community, even if they act like they don't. The main point is, this is for me. I don't care what others have to say or what they think. This is me. This is for those that wish to get to know me and to scare off those that thought they did. I don't need negative people who can't accept my fluctuating self. I am a creature of the universe and I will forever keep changing and growing. Get over it. #sorrynotsorry

I'm water, okay.

My gender and sexuality have changed many times. I started as a "straight", unknowingly-trans-cis female who didn't even really believe gay people existed. (Long story short, I had a very religious sperm donor who preached the words of his god and said how bad gay people where.) As I went through elementary school awkwardly I had a bad experience with a cis-male person. (I will need to write about it another time.) It left me fearing cis-male persons (and maybe even others). Though I didn't realize this fear until I was in high school. So, not knowing it was fear I chalked it up to hating men. Which I gave into. I would say things like, "All men are terrible/mean/gross/other means adjectives." I then just started saying I was a lesbian, cis-female throughout most of my high school years. I dated a female friend of mine eighth grade year, though our relationship was secret except to friends. People still somehow heard or assumed and picked fun at us. It was difficult. That was the first time I came out to my mom too. It was a very anxiety filled build up only to be told, "That's nice." I believe I eventually told her I was lesbian, but she would always tell me to, "Do whatever made me happy." I had also met my first actual gay person in seventh grade. At the time, she was a lesbian and talked about her girlfriend. I believe that got the wheels turning for me.

My freshman year of high school I was more "out". I would wear rainbows, but I was still a little nervous when others asked me about it. I had wanted to join my school's GSA, but was too nervous about it at the time. I also had a "boyfriend", but I never saw him because of the fear I was hiding. I avoided him like the plague and any guy that said they liked me. I would purposefully take a longer route to get to class to avoid any guys in that category. Eventually, though, I had to go to the library with a friend. He was there. My heart and mind started racing, I started sweating. I froze as he came towards me and wrapped his arms around me. I was like a scared rabbit or deer. If you had felt or heard my heart, you would have thought it was going to explode. He tilted my head up and kissed me, but all I did was freak out more. I buried my head in his chest and wrapped my arms in a vice like grip around him. I was internally freaking out. I literally didn't know what to do. Typing this now and remembering is giving me the same panicked feelings. Luckily, my friend must have noticed or felt how freaked out I was and grabbed me from him to drag me somewhere else. My savior. I don't know what happened to him, but I never saw him again after that.

I started going to anime conventions a lot with a friend as well and meeting people through that. I started dating a girl we had met at one of those events. She was nice, but lived in Phoenix. And had a boyfriend. She had, of course, cleared me with him first, so that was fine. I didn't mind at all. My first experience with an open relationship. That ended with her cheating, of course. We did try again after, but ended it about a month in. Distance is a killer for me. I also dated that same friend from before (my savior), though, looking back, I feel she is more asexual/aromatic. We broke up soon after dating.

I was a band geek as well, but only sophomore and junior years. Being in band is much like being in a really weird, sexually charged family. Especially with so many of us going through puberty and trying to find ourselves. A few guys in the band liked me, but I eventually became relaxed with it. They didn't do anything unless I told them it was okay. But I was still "lesbian". I had a couple weird experiences with guys through out my high school years, but I brushed them off as flings. I never had sex (and didn't until after I graduated HS). I also dated quite a few more females. Most, again, cheated on me. Sigh.

Through the Gay Straight Alliance club I was president of from sophomore to senior year, I was introduced to the Gay Lesbian Education Network (GLSEN) who would organize a little seminar for GSA's in Tucson. That was where I found the terms genderqueer and genderfluid. I feel I still embody both of those terms. I have feminine and masculine qualities, but I am also fluid through all sorts of genders. They also had meetings in Tucson to plan things like that and our GSA would go often and try and participate the best we could. I was also able to go to a retreat they put on up in NY right outside of NYC. It was a wonderful experience. It was where I had met my first trans people that were looking to transition. It was very eye opening. Hearing their stories started stirring something in my brain. This was the summer before senior year and I was 17 years old.

Though I had come to accept myself as gender queer/fluid, I had never really thought of myself as trans. I think it's because I really only thought of transsexual, as most people do. The night before we were supposed to leave, I had a break down. I sat outside on some grass and just started crying as realization set in. I had always been trans and I could actually see myself transitioning into a male. I don't think I was sad or scared from that, I was just sad because it had been repressed for so long. That, and the fear I had tried so hard to push down came bubbling up. I didn't hate men, I feared them. That ended up helping me define my sexuality as pansexual. I was able to go as Addem the next day as well as use male pronouns. It was so refreshing and felt nice. During senior year, my friends called me male and Addem sometimes. I was even marked absent one time because I was dressed and looked so masculine a substitute teacher would not accept me as who I was! I came out to my mom as well. She took me to a department store and bought me all kinds of male clothing. It was a better response than I could have asked for. Though everyone did not respect my pronouns and what not, I was still just happy. Sure, I had some kids make fun of me throughout my high school career, but kids are just dicks in general.

As an adult, I've also fluctuated. I had sex with a male at 19. We dated for almost 5 years and were even engaged. Though I had always wanted to have sex with a girl first, I was fine with the experience. I had told him I was into open relationships and he didn't seem opposed (when he actually was). I had met a few girls off of Craigslist (yes, I was one of those). We didn't really do much but hang out a few times, but it was still nice. Eventually, my fiance invited another female out for a night of drinking and sex with my first girl happened. She was ideal physically, though she really was not there to be my partner. She wanted just A as a partner, so we ended the relationship. Though she was the one that introduced me to FetLife. I was also on antidepressant/anxiety meds and put myself on Depoprovera shots. My sexual urges took a nose dive. Besides that point, A making me feel gross as a female and never respecting my gender identity. We didn't have sex often and I guess that made him feel I didn't love him? Thanks for the talk...

I got a coworker of mine into FetLife and going to meets. We played with her a few times and she expressed she was interested in being in a relationship with us. There was a couple of others we were in a temporary relationship with that ended soon after we started dating her. We'll call her AB. She had lied the whole time and just wanted A, to no surprise. What was surprising is how they cheated (there's a writing about them somewhere).

Now, my current partner(s), one of which is my spouse (@ekelarsons). Arson is an amazing human being and has helped me grow and express many of my suppressed dimensions. I'm able to say no without feeling bad. I am allowed to dress masculine and be called male pronouns. He uses my preferred pronouns which are "They/Them". It's beautiful.

Now, the point! I am water. I am forever fluctuating, flowing, bending, changing. "My sexuality is as fluid as my gender." is always something I like to say. I go from being hypersexual one week/day/minute to being completely asexual the next. I prefer female bodied partners, but have never been with a MTF person nor a FTM. Cis-males (and maybe FTM?) still scare me to no end, though I am sometimes sexually attracted to them (though older men scare me most, probably because I relate them to my sperm donor). I am usually demisexual with men, but sometimes I just want asexual relationship with one. I am usually highly sexually attracted to most female bodied people, but I get scared or nervous when being sexual with them (though I have had sex with women more than men). I also do this thing where I tell people I have a crush on them so if nothing can happen, I get over the feelings more quickly. I am an enigma. I am complex. My sexuality, gender, and attraction fluxes.

I am gender queer/fluid. I am fluxsexual. I am coming out once again with this term I was trying to make up, but also see others using on the internet. It fits since omnisexual is actually differently defined than what I was using it as.

Thanks for reading. :)

[mediocre-wannabewriter]

My Online Life

By: Mads

Online I can be anyone I want to be. Still me, but a more confident, bubbly version of myself. No longer that little girl, clinging to the back of her mother’s leg while her food is ordered. Although, I’ll be the first to admit, I long to go back to those days, the days when my parents would order for me at dinner, call and make appointments for me, help me to stay in my little safety bubble.

           Back then it was cute, they’d gush over me, “oh look how shy she is.” As you get older it’s no longer cute, it’s a burden. Something that needs to be fixed with medication and weekly counseling appointments. 6 ways to overcome social anxiety, tips for living with social anxiety, how to make friends when you have social anxiety. Am I something that needs to be fixed, and if so, does that make me broken?

           There are all kinds of different levels of social anxiety, there are people with it who find their daily life is hardly affected. For me, however, it’s a constant battle just to leave my house and that was even before covid-19. When I do manage to make it out, I have to have my big headphones on, I watch the ground the entire time and avoid eye contact as much as possible. Sounds pretty bad, wouldn’t you say? I also have generalized anxiety disorder, but we can talk about that one another time. Social anxiety makes it hard to leave my house, to make phone calls, go to appointments, make friends, attend professor’s office hours, go to interviews, and the list goes on and on (trust me you don’t want to know how long it goes on).

           Making friends has never been easy for me, as I get older it seems to get harder and harder, I didn’t think that was even possible. That’s when the online part of my online life comes in. The internet is a safe haven, you’re free to be yourself, if someone doesn’t like it, you block them and move on. You can’t block people in real life, as hard as you may try to. The block button becomes a safety net, you hope you don’t have to use it but find comfort in knowing it’s there.

           Is this the reason I met most of my best friends online? Is this the reason I met my boyfriend online? People tend to like the online version of me better, the version that has all the confidence in the world, the one that’s not afraid to speak first, and speak their mind. The version of me that doesn’t long to cling to the back of mother’s leg. When you make friends online, they get to see the calm, level-headed façade first and find out about the anxious, awkward reality later. When you make friends in person, there’s no room for a façade, all they see is me, in all my nervy glory.

           I have two main groups of friends online, ‘The Struggle Society’ and ‘AC Babes.’ Yes, we have group names, it’s not weird, I swear. The struggle society is what I refer to as my gaming group, it consists of me, my boyfriend and our group of friends. We love playing all kinds of video games together, as well as just hanging out and hosting online movie nights. The AC Babes stands for animal crossing babes, we’re a small group of people who originally got together over our love of animal crossing (you know that cute little Nintendo game) and have slowly become really good friends beyond that. Have you ever met someone that you just instantly connected with, to the point of it feeling like you’ve known them forever? That’s what it was like with the AC Babes, just this instant connection to them all, I knew we were meant to be friends.

I met Jonathan, Anna and Paul just over a year ago, we had similar interests, personalities and played the same games so we hit it off right away. They quickly became very key members of my life, and I spent most of my evenings on the Xbox laughing, playing games and enjoying myself with them. They of course, had other friends in the gaming community and eventually ‘The Struggle Society’ was born. Just a group of 10 or so socially inept, anxious gamers in their 20’s and 30’s.

           Jumping back in time, just a little, before ‘The Struggle Society’ was born, there’s a boy named Jonathan. And there’s me. Yes, the same Jonathan from before, if you were wondering. The age-old love story, girl meets boy online, girl likes boy and works up the courage to tell him, time passes, and boy asks girl to be his girlfriend. That’s how the story typically goes, right? Minus the online part and the fact boy lives 870 miles away from girl, in America. Oh, and the girl no longer identifies as a girl, but we’ll get to that soon enough.

           Leaping forward again (hopefully I haven’t lost you yet), not too far, not quite back to present day. We get to meet the ‘AC Babes,’ a snapchat group of around 7 lovers of Animal Crossing and various other Nintendo Switch games. Just a couple months off of present day, I made a big decision, something I had been fighting with inside myself for a while. I decided I was gender queer, I no longer wanted to use she/her pronouns but they/them instead, and the ‘AC Babes’ were one of the first groups of people to know. I don’t know if it was the fact they had always been so kind and supportive, or if it was because I hadn’t known them very long and it would hurt less if they rejected the new me, but I wanted to tell them before anyone else.

           I’ve always been very certain of my sexual identity, it’s something I confirmed for myself back in high school. If your upbringing was anything like mine, then sexual identities were something discussed very openly among family and in sex-ed. I knew from a young age that it was okay to love anyone I wanted, any gender I wanted, and because of this, it was never too difficult to figure out I liked more than just men. Gender identity, on the other hand, was never really discussed. I learned about trans males and females in high school, but things like non-binary, gender queer, and gender fluid identities were never brought up. To be honest, without the internet I don’t know if I’d have ever figured out, I prefer being genderqueer. Without the internet, I’m sure I would still be identifying as female, so I guess I have the internet to thank for finding my true gender identity.

           Finally, we arrive back at present day. I’m sitting in front of my computer, my cat asleep in my lap, trying to find the right words to bring this talk to a close. How would you end a talk on the importance of the internet in your life? I suppose that would depend on whether or not the internet is a key feature in your life. When the majority of your friends are online, including your boyfriend, it’s not always easy. Sure, it’s easier to be that more confident, bubbly version of yourself but sometimes you find yourself wishing one of your friends could come over to watch movies, paint each other’s nails and do face masks. Sometimes, you just want a hug. It’s hard being so far away from them, and with covid-19 I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit my boyfriend next, or any of my friends for that matter. Nothing in life is ever easy, but I suppose in a way, that’s what makes it worth living. In the end, whether you choose to make your friends the old-fashioned way or on the internet like me, what’s really important is finding those connections. When you find the right people, the ones that are meant to be in your life, you’ll know it.

[wanderingjotun]

Still Alive

Personal bullshit and whining below the cut, but just figured I ought to post something and, you know, reassure everyone I’m still actually in existence.

For the last few months, I’ve been in a very odd sort of funk. The kind where I wanted to be present here and interact with my followers/mutuals/friends, but opening this particular profile on this hellsite almost immediately stressed me out for no discernible reason (even though I had no problem posting crap tons to my fandom account). The kind where I’ve desperately wanted to reconnect with The Spouse Thing, but all I can seem to do is lounge around with my other non-corp boyfriends. The kind where I simultaneously want to never leave the apartment and can’t stand to be home.

I know I don’t owe anyone an apology or an explanation, but I want to try to hash things out for my own brain and here’s as good a place as any, I guess.

Since July:

There has been a lot of massive internal drama within my kindred that I can’t openly discuss, but has been really stressing me out to the point of considering leaving if things don’t improve by the end of the first quarter next year. 

I’ve written collectively over 300,000 words of fanfic with/for my PCP spirits (admittedly, a good 100k+ of that is the massive crackfic I’m cowriting for shits and giggles, but still). This is more than I’ve written in ages, and I’m simultaneously enjoying it and worried that I’m over-obsessing. But, you know, I can still kind of pull the “I’m doing this as part of my spiritual practice, so nyah” card, right?

I started therapy for the first time ever, and delving into these really intense fears of “not belonging” I’ve been attempting to overcome for ages is kind of rocking me off-kilter. I’ve never fit into a societal mold of any shape and, while part of me is proud of that and of being myself, part of me is also convinced that I’m just so far outside the expected that I’ll never really find a place where I feel totally comfortable being who I think I really am.

Which, of course, makes me feel guilty on occasion, because I’ve found such a great, supportive community here, and my non-corp relationships are so incredible with making me feel like I belong--and then the guilt spikes my anxiety, and I just kind of spiral into being one huge Hot Mess.

I’ve been really struggling internally with various aspects of my identity and attempting to figure out where I stand in regards to them--particularly my gender identity (Genderqueer vs. trans? Do I want any sort of medical intervention? How can I better present the way I want to, when I can’t bind and work for my father, who would flip if he knew I wasn’t cis?) and my spiritual path (Do I still consider myself a Heathen? I have such trouble with the bigotry in this path, why do I cling to the name? Do I want to keep on with my kindred? I’m so focused on PCP spirits right now, should I step away from Norse Polytheism altogether for now? Could I? What is my current relationship with The Spouse Thing when I’m focused daily on the spirits that are easier to connect with just to avoid being completely overwhelmed?).

I suppose this last one is rather the crux of the issue here. I’ve been having such a hard time trying to reconcile and work through all these massive doubts and concerns and issues, and I wasn’t sure how to articulate them in a way that would help either me or my followers while I hashed through them. So it just became easier to avoid this blog and the bizarre guilt that came with not posting anything while I tried to work through my own brain.

Unfortunately, I’m also someone who works through things the best by using language--writing about them, discussing them--so it kind of wound up being this unintentional catch-22, where everything was stressing me out no end. And holy shit that was a realization I literally just had while writing that sentence and this is why we write things out, Nonir, you dumbass.

So. I guess I’m kind of back? And may or may not be writing a lot more random personal sorting anxiety bullshit posts as I go? Maybe? I promise I won’t be offended if anyone unfollows me for any of this. I know it’s not really what most of you signed up for, but it’s still this anxious mess of a Lokispouse fumbling his way through this weirdness called life, so hey. Better than nothing, right?

[afangirlsplaylist]

Dear Rhett and Link,

As a kingdom of Mythical Beasts, we (particularly your LGBTQQIA fans and allies) wanted to thank you for choosing the Trevor Project for Gifticality this month. So several of us have written to let you know what it means to see you supporting LGBTQ people. 

“I think of all the young LGBTQQIA Mythical Beasts who just saw two people they admire say “you’re wonderful the way you are.” I imagine how much it may mean to a young person who doesn’t have anyone else in their lives who support them for who they are. You just offered them light in a world that can often be dark. Thank you. <3″

- @mythosethan​

“I haven’t identified or accepted myself as bisexual for very long. I’m lucky enough to come from a family I know would accept me but I’m still partly closeted because I’m not ready to say anything yet. Through your show, I’ve talked to so many other Mythical Beasts that are LGBTQ too, and I’ve really been able to be myself. So one day soon I think I will be able to come out fully - thanks to you guys and your fans. It means the world to me that you’ve done this.”

- Simone, @afangirlsplaylist​

“It took me so long to accept myself as bisexual. When I was in high school in the early 2000’s there was little to no representation of the LGBTQ community in the media and almost no place to find genuine, caring support. I felt alone. I know that there are a lot of teens and young adults that watch your show and many of them are probably going through something like I did. I want to thank you for openly supporting the community and giving us two smiling, friendly faces to remind us we matter.”

- @survivormind

“I barely recognize myself, but it’s a good thing. I was in fifth grade when I realized I was bisexual, but I hated it. I was raised in a conservative, Christian home. My parents and community were not overtly homophobic, but it was understood that it was a sin, that it was unnatural. So I suppressed my feelings and explained them away whenever they would resurface over the years in response to a crush or a fantasy, chalking it up to confused feelings.

I married a good Christian man, and I loved him. I still do. But for the first time in my life, I’ve begun to accept who I am in a way I never allowed myself before. I don’t hate my life. But it’s painful to know I didn’t give myself the chance to learn more about myself when I was still free to do so. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever get that chance.

I was able to adapt, but I know not everyone has that luxury. Being bi rather than gay made me able to just focus on my attraction to men and try to ignore the other part of me, but that wasn't the healthiest way to handle it, and neither is it something every LGBTQ+ person can or should do in the face of adversity. Your support shows that you see us, and it gives more people the courage to not hide themselves like I did. I wish I could go back and have that courage sooner.

- Gwen

“Hi! I am asexual, akoiromantic, and genderqueer. Nothing in my life has made me feel better than figuring those things out. When I found out not only that asexuality was a thing, but that there were others who were like me, it felt like a pressure I didn’t even know was there was lifted. I wasn’t weird or a freak. And when I finally realized that I didn’t have to live in a binary that made me feel small, I couldn’t sleep from excitement. So for me and all my siblings, thank you so much.”

- Erika, @one-true-houselight

”I went to high school in southeastern Illinois in the 80s and that was not a safe place to come out. So no one ever did. The people I graduated with that have since come out had such a hard time, the Trevor Project would have been amazing for them to reach out to. My kids and their friends fall in the age range the Trevor Project supports and I am so grateful they have much better resources than my friends did. Thanks, Rhett and Link for letting people know there is a safe place for them.”

- @mousehill83​

“Recently, I needed to become more of a big sister as I learned that I needed to protect my trans brother from my parents and the transphobic and homophobic people in the world. Knowing you guys - R and L and the crew, support this and also introduced me to this charity, brings me joy. It’s not just knowing that you guys support this charity, but also learning how there are so many sources out there to help and support my brother and others. So thank you.”

- Anonymous

“Growing up in a conservative American family, I knew nothing about anything LGBT. Then I started learning about it from the internet as a teenager. I wanted to be accepting and ended up labeling myself as the most outlandish and accepting thing I could find: pansexual and trans. I don’t know if I am those anymore, but I am grateful for the LGBT community being accepting of anything. It means a lot to me to see allies like Rhett and Link supporting an LGBT charity like this.”

- Anonymous

“I’m so happy that they picked an LGBT+ organization, especially for Pride Month, it shows not only support to the people that they are helping with the money, but it also shows support to other LGBT people out there, the international Mythical Beasts as myself, I can’t be prouder of R&L (I’ve always been proud, but this hits home and I can’t help but feel personally loved by them)”

- Anonymous

Dear Rhett, Link and Crew.

“Thank you for making The Trevor Project the charity for giftacality this month. It warms my heart to know you are fellow allies against bigotry and hate. To some it might seem like a quiet, small gesture but it speaks volumes, and makes me proud to call myself a Mythical Beast.”

Love, - Liz, @613liz

“Re: the Trevor Project- it is great to learn this organization exists to help and provide crisis intervention for this specific group of dear young people (people who face a frighteningly high risk of harm in this world). Kudos to Mythical Entertainment for supporting them and for spreading the word!”

from, - honestly a random Christian dinosaur

“It brought a smile to my face when The Trevor Project was revealed as this months GMM charity of choice. I myself am not LGBTQ+ but I love and support the community with all my heart, so the fact that Rhett and Link are outwardly showing their support and donating to The Trevor Project makes me extremely happy.”

- Anonymous

“For the Trevor Project- as a semi-closeted bisexual woman who fears losing family if I fully come out, and as someone with a serious mental illness and past suicide attempts, this hit my feels. To know that two people I admire greatly are supportive of my community in this way and are trying to address a serious issue like LGBTQIA suicide means so much. Thank you, Rhett and Link, for standing up and saying you support the community like this. I’m sure it will save lives.”

- @elloellerose

“It means so much that ME has chosen to donate to the Trevor Project. This is not just you donating to an amazing and important organization. It is you showing that you and your brand stand up for everybody’s right to be who they are and to love whoever they want. Something that should be a matter of course but sadly isn’t. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for contributing to making the world a better place for me and my lbtq+ friends and family. I am proud to call myself a mythical beast.”

-  @mythicalpatterns

“I grew up in an environment where I was different from everyone else. My family and most of my friends are conservative and I couldn’t be who I was when I was a kid/teen. As a mythical beast, this made me happy to know I am welcomed as I am here and showing support means a lot to me.”

Thank you, -  a 30-year-old bisexual man

“I just want to say how proud I am to call myself a Mythical Beast when our leaders are being THEIR mythical best by supporting such an important cause. It shouldn’t be controversial to do so, but it is. It may be a small gesture, but it means something huge.”

- @whilhelminaprince​

“Thank you so much for supporting an LGBTQ+ charity. It means more than you know to countless Mythical Beasts to know that you two support us and view us worthy of your attention and love. I am so gracious and thankful.”

- Anonymous

“The support for The Trevor Project makes me so happy. 🌈💗👬👭”

- @rileyrooin​

“Ever since I was young I knew something was off, I just didn’t know what. As I got older I started looking at boys, but not because I was into them, I wanted to BE them. I told my closest friend, who was extremely supportive, then one year later I wrote a letter to my mum before school explaining everything. Now at school, my name and gender have been changed. I’m proud to be transgender. :)”

- @linklovesrhett​

@loulougoingsolo left a message here

Thank you @rhettandlink !

[theviolentfembot]

“For all the world we didnt know we held in common all along the common woman is as common as the best of bread and will rise and will become strong-I swear it to you I swear it to you on my own head I swear it to you on my common woman’s head” - Judy Grahn

I don’t feel exceptional. I feel common, so very common. My situation is not that unique or unusual. A lot of women are traumatized. A lot of women, most women in fact, don’t fit inside the female role or ideal. Some of us try to conform but others of us can’t or don’t want to and you catch hell for that. You catch hell for that either way, actually. You can’t win if you’re a woman in a male-dominated society. A lot of women dissociate. A lot of women are dysphoric. Let me say it again, women are dysphoric. And our dysphoria can be as severe or as mild as any case of dysphoria can be. We can experience the full range of dysphoric possibilities, from cringing when we get called she to having a near constant sensation of a phantom penis. There is nothing women can’t feel including dysphoria.

How much of why dysphoric and detransitioned women aren’t taken seriously or listened to is because we’re women in a society that doesn’t value female voices? How much of this is another way of denying women’s suffering? Why is it inconceivable that women can’t experience severe enough pain that we’d change ourselves drastically, alter our bodies, live as men to escape it? And not just live as men for a while, a few months or years or ten years and then detransition, but live as men for good. Women can get to a place where they have to see themselves as men and live as men to survive in a world that hates them as women.Trust me, listen to me. I know it could happen. I know it does happen. I know I could still be stuck, unable to think of myself as a woman or accept myself as female. My womanhood is not an innate gender identity hardwired in my brain since birth. It is not an unshakable feeling telling me who I am. It is something I learned about through reflection and experience, something that I will always be learning about because it is infinite. I am a woman because I am female, because I inherited social meanings and power dynamics along with my body. It is a biological, spiritual, historical and cultural reality and in a patriarchy this reality is obscured because women who know it become more powerful, become dangerous. It can be known and accepted or kept from consciousness, denied. I would have always been a woman, no matter how long I lived as a man or genderqueer, or how much I changed my body but it’s not inevitable that I would have become fully aware of and accepted my womanhood. My whole society has struggled against me ever finding out what women actually are.Sometimes I imagine other ways my life could’ve gone. I could have gotten stuck in dissociation as a way of life. I could’ve grown more functional over time but I’d still be cut off from my root power as a female and never realize what I was missing. I consider myself lucky that I attained the awareness and understanding that I have now. I met brave women who helped me go to places inside myself that scared the shit out of me and move through them into new territories. Without their help I might still be trapped in old structures and ways of understanding myself that confined my possibilities and restricted my movements while leaving me unaware of that I was so limited.It is so hard to face trauma that hurt you bad enough it made you want to become another person, that actually did make you into another person, split off and wrapped around the one who got hurt. It is much harder than transitioning. I know because I’ve done both. Transition was hard. Detransitioning has been so much harder. The only thing I can compare it to is working through my mom’s suicide. So when I look at how painful it was, it makes sense to me that some people aren’t going to be able to stand that pain or go into it. Not cuz they’re weak or not as strong or smart as me or other detransitioned women. Not because they’re inferior in any way but because this world is fucking dangerous and facing your trauma opens you up, makes you vulnerable, makes you feel. It can make you feel ripped open and if you’re already protecting yourself from a society that wants to rip you up, you might not be able to go there. You need some degree of safety and security to face trauma and not fall to shit. So if you’re not safe or you’re not feeling safe enough, you can’t afford to let go of your coping mechanism cuz it could literally be your survival that’s at stake.I couldn’t start seeing how trauma lead to my transition until my life got more stable and I found a woman who’d also transitioned  and stopped who I could trust and talk to. I had also been meditating for years at that point, which made it easier to detach from and cope with the extreme emotions and sensations that often come up when you’re working through trauma.Some women who transitioned due to trauma are never going to get safe enough to drop their defense mechanisms. They’re not stupid, they’re surviving the best way they know how. But I want better for them and all women who transition. It takes a lot of energy to maintain a protective identity over your hurt self. You get used to it when that’s been your life for a long time. You may not know anything different. But if you get to a place where you can put that shit down, wow, do you ever feel lighter, freer, less burdened. It’s easier to move around and act because you’re not using so much energy to keep the world from touching you or maintain a protective persona. The wounded self you’ve been protecting can finally heal and when that happens you get even more powerful and strong.I’ve felt freer and happier than I even thought possible once I started healing from how I’d been wounded as a woman. I had to drop the idea that I was a really a man or genderqueer or anything other than a woman. I had to accept that I was a woman and then I could see all the damage dealt to me as a woman that I’d been blocking out. I could see the restrictive ideas of womanhood branded into my mind and how they had scarred me so bad that I’d transfered the violence to my own body. That was real fucking hard to face. It was hard to face what other people had done to me and it was hard to face how I’d hurt myself. It was a hell of a lot harder than injecting t into my thigh and getting blood drawn every six months. But after I worked through that hurt, after I faced it and started to understand what happened to me, I started healing wounds I’d been struggling to close up and mend for years. I found strength, wellness and the power of my deepest self which has been better than anything I got from testosterone. I got all the physical effects I expected when I took t but I’ve reached places detransitioning that I never imagined. It turned my whole world and sense of self upside down in a grand way. I am happy that I have changed beyond my mere desires and expectations.Facing my damage has shown me I am not broken, I am resilient and ever-growing and transforming. I don’t think anyone is broken or ruined or lost but I think there are plenty of women who are stuck at the present moment as I was stuck a few years back. They have protection. They have a strategy. They have a way of dealing with their struggles that’s become comfortable and familiar. They’re just trying to live and protect their already wounded bodies and psyches from more assaults and abuse. And I’m trying to create more space where these defenses aren’t needed. I’m trying to talk past the armor to the woman inside who’s so desperate to find a way to come out and walk in open air again. You might think I’m crazy, you might think you have no woman in you but if she’s there, she hears me and I want her to have hope. I want her to know I have her back and so do other women who have taken off their armor and disguises and survived. Not only have we survived, we’ve gotten stronger. Some trans people talk about killing their former selves but I don’t think they ever really die and I don’t think they ever stop looking for a way to live openly. They might never find it but they’re still in there, looking out in case it ever shows up. Doubts might really be hope for something better.I know my woman-self was there all along searching for a way to be free. She kept me restless and questioning. She finally found her opening and she took it and let go of the illusions she’d cast around herself. I want to create more openings, more escape routes out of patriarchal mindfucks and trauma cages. There are so many women struggling to get free and I feel so much love for these women and I want to fight along side of them as they work to free themselves from their oppressors.  Detransitioning is fighting back against your abusers and violators, whoever hurt you enough to turn you against yourself. Women become dysphoric and transition because others committed violence against us, physically, sexually, psychologically and spiritually. Imposing and reinforcing male-created ideas of what women are, brainwashing us into accepting society’s reality over our own is violence. We often bear its scars on our bodies. And the violence inflicted on our bodies digs deep into our minds, changes us, our thoughts and feelings, can shatter our selves into pieces. We resist by naming instead of denying this violence, articulating what was done to us and by whom, calling out the lies and distortions and telling our own truths.I am a common woman. I am not an exceptional case. Most women have been hurt and violated, all women have been lied to about what we are and how powerful we are and most of us spend some time believing the lies. A history of dysphoria and transition makes me stand out but only so much and not as much as many think. There are many women like me. First I found one other and then I found more and more. We are becoming more common. We are finding new ways to defend ourselves that require less armor and grant us more movement. We are seeing each other and being seen. We are creating more expansive spaces for women to live in. As we create more space and raise more power, more and more women will come to that space and find their power too. And we will become very common indeed.

[framing-the-picture]

Recommendations for Queer Music

Hey folks. It’s currently 4:57 am as I write this. I tried to sleep much earlier, but ended up having some awful vivid dreams related to recent news about a band I once considered myself a fan of and my own personal experiences. So now I’m awake and seeing that a lot of queer people are looking to find queer musicians they can listen to instead of this band. So because I’m restless and feel especially compulsive right now, here’s a bunch of my favorite musicians who are queer, make music about being queer, or both. (This is kinda in order of most overt to least overt, but all these artists are worth supporting.)

Owen Pallett (orchestral/baroque pop): the queer/genderqueer violinist for Arcade Fire’s solo work gets increasingly overt and varied about its queerness as his discography progresses and he’s been a real important part of my own coming to terms with queerness and self-acceptance (trigger warning: the song “This Lamb Buys Condos” has an f-slur in it due to quoting homophobia Owen had overheard)

G.L.O.S.S. (hardcore punk): they only put out 15 minutes worth of music before disbanding, but it’s hard to name a trans punk band that’s as vital or incendiary in their social commentary as this one

Against Me! (punk rock): lots of trans queerness across their discography and it’s only gotten more overt with Laura Jane Grace’s coming out and their last two albums... you really can’t go wrong with Transgender Dysphoria Blues (trigger warning: the song “Drinking With The Jocks” has an f-slur in it based on an experience from Laura’s past where she’s in denial about being trans and trying to blend in with cis guys)

Car Seat Headrest (lo-fi/garage rock): mostly a lot of his early stuff, especially Twin Fantasy, which is pretty much entirely about Will Toledo coming to terms with his sexuality and being attracted to another man... check out “Beach Life-in-Death” (trigger warning: has a reclaimed f-slur in it) if you want a 12-minute-taste of just how queer his lyrics can get

Frank Ocean (R&B): this was an obvious choice, but seriously, Blonde is an incredibly important album reflecting on the nature of black queerness and self-love... if you haven’t listened to it (and the rest of Frank’s discography), it’s definitely worth checking out

Broken Social Scene (indie rock): at least one member of this massive Canadian collective is queer and a few of their songs reflect that overtly (trigger warning: some reclaimed f-slurs and descriptions of abuse across their discography, mostly in “I’m Still Your F*g” and “It’s All Gonna Break”)

Kevin Abstract (pop/rap): this queer musician just put out an entire concept album last year called American Boyfriend, where the central character struggles with his first relationship with another man and being a closeted queer black man... highly recommended if you’re into Frank Ocean or indie-pop-crossed-with-rap

Ness Io Kain (glitchpop): this nonbinary transfemme is another underrated fave of mine and I can’t recommend her album Soft Blue Halo from last year enough... it’s a poignant album with some really striking reflections of queerness and gender identity across quite a few songs

Bloc Party/Kele Okereke (indie rock/post-punk): British band with an out frontman who has detailed his past experiences being queer in songs like “I Still Remember”

Franz Ferdinand (indie rock): their song “Michael” is the most explicitly queer thing across their albums, but there’s some homoeroticism on tracks like “Do You Want To” too

Sufjan Stevens (folk/baroque pop): Sufjan’s notoriously private with a lot of his personal life, but it’s hard to deny just how queer a lot of his lyrics are... for the most obviously queer stuff, I definitely recommend “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us” and “John My Beloved,” but there’s a lot of subtle queerness across all his albums (trigger warning: “Drawn to the Blood” is about an abusive queer relationship... when asked if this experience was autobiographical during an interview, Sufjan only answered with “yes”)

St. Vincent (indie rock/art pop): Annie Clark has said that she believes in gender fluidity and sexual fluidity, and said she “[doesn’t] identify with anything,” which comes through in the lyrics to songs like “Prince Johnny” and “Chloe in the Afternoon”

Vampire Weekend/Rostam Batmanglij (indie rock/chamber pop): the former pianist/guitarist/songwriter for this band is openly gay and wrote some of his own experiences into the song “Diplomat’s Son”

Grooms (dream pop/noise rock): this group’s an underrated favorite of mine and I’ve noticed that a decent number of their songs deal with queerness in sometimes overt ways (the line “I’m not straight or tough” on “Ghost Cat”) and sometimes a bit more obliquely (both “Later A Dream” and “Expression Of” seem to be about queer attraction)... I made a Spotify playlist collecting some of their songs about queerness for people unfamiliar with the band (trigger warning: one of their song titles has a reclaimed f-slur in it)

Eliot Sumner (indie rock): this moody indie musician (previously going under the name I Blame Coco) has stated that she doesn’t identify with any particular gender, which comes through in her song “Species” and its portrayal of invasive cis people speculating on one’s gender

Courtney Barnett (folk/indie rock/spoken word): to my knowledge, I don’t believe any of her songs have explicit queerness in their lyrics, but she’s an out lesbian whose music is exceedingly clever and definitely worth checking out

[sophygurl]

Navigating Body Image While Genderqueer / Genderfluid / Non-Binary - WisCon 41 panel write-up

These get long to click the clicky to read.

Disclaimers:

I hand write these notes and am prone to missing things, skipping things, writing things down wrong, misreading my own handwriting, and making other mistakes. So this is by no means a full transcript.

Corrections, additions, and clarifications are most welcome. I’ve done my best to get people’s pronouns and other identifiers correct, but please do let me know if I’ve messed any up. Corrections and such can be made publicly or privately on any of the sites I’m sharing these write-ups on(tumblr and dreamwidth for full writings, facebook and twitter for links), and I will correct ASAP.

My policy is to identify panelists by the names written in the programming book since that’s what they’ve chosen to be publicly known as. If you’re one of the panelists and would prefer something else - let me know and I’ll change it right away.

For audience comments, I will only say general “audience member” kind of identifier unless the individual requests to be named.

Any personal notes or comments I make will be added in like this [I disagree because blah] - showing this was not part of the panel vs. something like “and then I spoke up and said blah” to show I actually added to the panel at the time.

Navigating Body Image While Genderqueer / Genderfluid / Non-Binary

Moderator: Theo Nicole Lorenz. Panelists: Lee Bauersouth, Sam Einhorn, Jack Evans, Kris Mayer, Mo Ranyart

#NavigateGNCBodyImage for the livetweets and such

[I feel like I’ve both moderated and been on a version of this panel in past years, so it was neat to just be in the audience this time. Also - while looking around me at the panelists and my fellow audience members while waiting for the panel to start, my internal monologue was just a bouncy repetition of the word “Gender! Gender! Gender!” because IDK folks, I just adore gender and it’s many permutations and discussions of it all.]

Theo began the panel by acknowledging that the panelists were mostly white AFAB folk and that they wanted to invite other perspectives to join them. They also said everyone uses their own language for their own bodies and identities and if people use any words that make you feel uncomfortable, you should do what you need to take care of yourselves and no one will judge you for leaving if you need to.

Jack, referencing pre-panel joking around, introduced themselves by saying “I am goat, and I’m a goat.” Then seriously added that they are a non-binary trans man - but kinda wooshy-washy about it. They added that, as Theo’s assistant, the two talk about gender a lot. 

Sam began their intro with “I am Sam and I am *not* a goat”, and then added that they are genderqueer or maybe non-binary - they have trouble figuring it out. But mostly ID as a genderqueer butch person depending somewhat on the day. 

Sam also talked about how they discovered all of this gender stuff around the time as discovering fat acceptance movement and wanted to talk about how those two things informed each other.

Lee’s introduction began with “I’m questioning if I’m a goat or not...” - then worried some about if they’d offended anyone by calling themselves a goat and added “This is SO Sunday.” Lee introduced themselves as actually being agender, which they consider to be under the umbrella of genderqueer. 

Lee added that genderqueer and gender dysphoria are not a circle but a venn diagram and said “I’m in that sliver.” 

Mo left off the goat-joke intro and introduced themselves as being a femme non-binary trans dude - sort of. They also talked about fat activism in addition to having a history with an eating disorder. They said that they do have trans-related body dysphoria. 

Kris introduced themselves as non-binary and butch - mainly due to how they are read by society. They added that internally, they feel like there are rules to butchness and they don’t follow them, so they don’t necessarily identify as butch. They also talked about how we often worry about doing gender right - even as we tell others and ourselves that there is no right or wrong to how to do gender.

Lee added that they forgot in their intro to say that they are also coming at this topic from the perspective of a professional therapist.

Theo began their introduction with “I describe my identity as .... oh gosh... non-binary or agender or both?” They also said that they are stepping their toe tentatively into the trans pool and it kind of fits for them. 

Theo, author/artist of the coloring book Fat Ladies in Spaaaaace, created it while still thinking they were a cis woman. After discovering genderqueerness, they realized this thing they created for body positivity no longer fit for their own body. This was a loss to Theo. 

Theo then posed the question to the panelists - how has your relationship with body acceptance changed since realizing you’re not cis, and what do you need out of body acceptance movements now?

Jack acknowledged how Theo’s example was a loss, but for Jack there was something they gained when realizing they weren’t cis. It was so freeing because they suddenly didn’t have to fit a model of what a man or woman should be. But Then they started the transitioning process and felt they had to be more serious and conform again, which was hard.

Sam said they really didn’t know about trans, genderqueer, etc. for a long time. They discovered gender discourse and fat positivity around the same time. They were finding it was okay to be butch but not fat on the one hand, on the other in the fat pos. movement there were all of these expectations around femininity. So these two parts of Sam’s identity were constantly criss-crossing.

Lee talked about coming from the angle of chronic health conditions and the disability acceptance movements. They were being told to celebrate being a woman while having 9 week painful periods. They were being told to nourish their body while thinking - no, my body’s an asshole. They had an ablation, which they described as “I had my uterus electrocuted to send a message to my other organs”. 

Lee discussed the frustrations of feeling weaker and being treated as a delicate flower and how that made them want to find some plaid real quick. [I found myself nodding vehemently to this - nothing makes me wanna butch up more than getting sympathy for my chronic health issues]

Mo talked about having issues with “body positivity” - it felt like this was just a way to say it’s not okay to be fat but let’s celebrate other bodies! They talked about how “love your body” can feel like a kick in the teeth and loving one’s body can be really hard for some people. What about a truce instead? Can I have a friendly acquaintance with my body?

Mo also asked - can you be not-a-woman and be part of the fat acceptance movement? They had difficulty finding space for non-binary bodies in body acceptance. Instead of being part of the larger group, they’ve found smaller groups of people just huddling together. 

It can be hard to get all intersections covered so these movements need to be much larger and much more inclusive. 

Kris posed the question of - what if there are parts of my body I don’t want to make peace with? They talked about feeling violent towards certain body parts. When complaining about menstruation, they were told that it was a spectral of the goddess. They replied - no deity owns a part of my body.

Kris also talked about having dysphoria around their breasts. Am I allowed to say I don’t want to be positive about this?

Theo discussed how they were able to get top surgery and how that decreased their feelings of violence with their body. Post-surgery, Theo thought - “I hope they’re happy wherever they are now - maybe on a farm upstate somewhere - frolicking with all of the other breasts.” [I about bust a gut laughing - and had to share this with my friend who is about to have a double mastectomy because we’ve been making all sorts of jokes about her breasts post-surgery. Now we get to imagine them out there in a field romping around with other boobs - thanks Theo!! lol]

Theo posed the next question for the panelists - what do we need from these movements?

Lee answered with acceptance of the fact that chronic pain is not something they’re going to love. They compared their pain to a large dog shredding the sofa continuously and saying - “look, I’m trying to take care of you but you’re not making it easy! But if I stop taking care of you - you’ll crap on the bed.” [yes yes yes]

Jack answered - inclusion of all intersections. They talked about how they got into power lifting in order to build up masculine strength but then realized that health issues meant some days they couldn’t even lift a pencil. They don’t see many examples of trans guys like themselves.

Sam answered with more acceptance of different kinds of bodies - not just size related but gender, and other differences. The importance of not only letting these other kinds of bodies be there in the movements, but of actually making space for and including/welcoming them as well.

Mo talked about the problems with body acceptance focusing on the line of thinking like “you, too, can be attractive!” That’s good, but it’s not the whole thing. You should not have to love or accept parts of your body that are causing you actual harm or trauma, pain, dysphoria, etc. 

Mo also talked about things like “info for all the ladies out there” and being - what about me? Can that be for me too? Mo just wants more general awareness that not all people are like you - is that a big ask? It feels like it some days.

Kris brought up the decentering of attractiveness in these movements. Prioritizing beauty when not all of us are going to or even want to fit societal beauty norms. [wow this sent a lightbulb off in my head so big! need to think/write more about this myself]

Theo talked about more acceptance of bodies in liminal spaces. Bodies in transition are often treated like an unbaked cookie - someone adds in that those can be tasty so the panel finally settled on uncooked waffles as the analogy. So this uncooked waffle is treated like - well, you have potential to be something cool. What if I already feel done though? What if I’ve transitioned as much as I plan to? What if I don’t want to be fully cooked? 

Lee gave an example of a friend with many complicated health issues who was able to get phalloplasty but can’t take T - so there are some parts of the transition process they could and couldn’t do.

Jack added that in that example, the person had the phalloplasty without having a vaginectomy - they wanted to add that so that folks would know you could do it that way.

Mo talked about ways in which non-binary becomes it’s own box to fill in next to Male or Female instead of being an opt-out altogether. Often the idea of non-binary that people carry with them is an androgynous thin person in men’s clothing that’s tailored for people with breasts. And that’s great that those kind of clothes are being made and people who fit that archetype can find acceptance - but that’s not all that being non-binary is or all that non-binary clothing can be.

Kris talked about how they identified as genderqueer for a decade but then switched to non-binary because it felt like a shrug when it comes to gender. For years, Kris chased masculinity as the only model they knew. Now, they are having fun with nail polish and earrings. They added they get most of their accessories from Claire’s because inside they feel like their gender is a 13 year old girl. (Several panelists agreed with this notion for themselves)

Kris added that since exploring more of this feminine side, they find themselves worrying about outside perception of their gender - am I still non-binary enough? Trans enough?

Theo also related to the idea of chasing masculinity. They said they’re much happier since feeling more comfortable playing with femininity. 

Jack brought up sex positivity for a variety of different bodies - especially intersex bodies and for trans people who haven’t had “The Surgery.” 

Theo posed the question of where they’ve found what they needed as far as body acceptance and all of the panelists said at WisCon [me toooooo :)]

Theo also talked about finding a photo, on a website where there were hundreds of photos of trans bodies. This one photo looked like Theo’s body and the person in the photo looked so happy and free with their body and it really helped Theo to feel more acceptance and hope for themselves.

Sam discussed how getting positive reinforcement on twitter about both their gender exploration and their fatness has helped. This was Sam’s first WisCon and seeing so many people who look like them was also very powerful. Most of their friends don’t share all of their intersections. 

Jack reiterated what Sam said and added that they need WisCon for their soul - just to be with people like themselves. Jack then talked about how they didn’t use makeup until they came out as trans - it became more of a choice to them then. They started sharing selfies and got positive feedback and that helped too.

Mo also talked about how taking selfies has helped them. In particular, it’s helped them to gain a greater sense of themselves. Between the gender dysphoria and eating disorder, Mo spent a lot of time not knowing how their own body looked. The first time Mo shared a selfie online, they almost threw up. Then they got home and had 20 positive comments. So they kept trying to do it and have recently realized that they no longer feel sick when doing so. 

Mo also added that having good sexual experiences with people who are not assholes has helped. [I had some *feels* here]

Kris discussed the difficulty they’ve had in finding a network of friends, but they rely on support from friends online. They also feel lucky to have genuine family support.

Lee said - I guess I lied earlier. (Theo asked - so you ARE a goat?) Lee clarified that when they said earlier that they didn’t have any dysphoria, they’ve realized that they do have some around their breasts. 

[At this point, I became triggered by something said and stopped taking notes. This was through no fault of any of the panelists btw - they were only speaking from their own experiences but it was upsetting to me based on stuff going on in my own life so I closed my notebook and just listened to the rest of the panel, which was still really great and I’m sorry I didn’t get it all down. However, do check the hashtag for the panel for much more that I didn’t get! #NavigateGNCBodyImage]

[cat-with-a-yeehaw-hat]

In light of pride month (!!!), just wanted to say, I identify most closely as being bisexual (if you couldnt tell from my icon lol)! I wouldn't say I am pan but I do personally view the two as very similar as I am attracted to all genders lol. I haven't really come out to my parents. I think they would still love and accept me, but it's still hard for me nonetheless. I am still kinda in the closet for that reason, and thus feel wary about allowing myself to feel fully apart of the queer community even though I logically know that I am still welcome whether or not I am closeted. Though, it is getting better thanks to being so fortunate as to surrounding myself with queer friends. It's funny, I find myself most generally drawn to those who are trans and/or nonbinary, and the fact that it's not even intentional is extremely validating!!

In terms of gender-- last summer, I was out fishing with my dad and a friend when I had the very sudden epiphany in my head- "what if I used she/they pronouns?" And I kinda went full send. At least, with my friends, not my family obviously (good luck explaining that one to them). Since then I've been trying to figure out what exactly I am, and am doing so on the basis of not dysphoria, but euphoria, which for me is much more helpful. For instance, I don't think I'd be cisgender if I was this euphoric about wearing a binder lmao

Still coming to terms with it and a lot of inwards introspection. I don't associate myself with being trans, and I never have, really. Labeling myself as non-binary seems more accurate, but still scary, as if I have to "commit" to it somehow. However I do feel most confident in being labeled as genderqueer, more specifically a demigirl. I identify partially with being a girl, but also partially with being agender. It's pretty 50/50, actually. I feel relatively detached from being afab, but there isnt a significant amount of dissociation to create a real dysphoria. If someone were to call me a girl, my instant thought would be "ehh I mean, like I guess"

It makes sense with the she/they pronouns I use, too. I'll be honest, though, I don't like that the term demigirl is a noun, especially ending in "girl", but I do connect closely with the definition.

On top of all that, to a lesser extent I question whether I am also aro/ace? There are certain platonic relationship(s) I have that are very important to me and probably stretch the boundaries of what a normal close friendship looks like that's probably aro/ace in nature. However the thought of having a romantic partner someday is appealing to me, so idk really.

Anyway wow haha I was expecting this to be like two or three sentences and not a full out journal entry, but! Tldr; I am bisexual and most likely nonbinary?/genderqueer/demigirl. Thank you for reading this far it means a lot! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ