#I believe this is true for every single mentally ill person

[subconsciousmysteries]

authority will never give you the knowledge you seek because it is through withholding knowledge from you that they remain an authority

[schizopositivity]

My partner just showed me the strangest video that came up on their tiktok. The video was of a woman that said something along the lines of "Did you know all schizophrenic people smell bad? They just have a bad odor that is always present. Even if they shower, and use deodorant, they just smell bad constantly for their whole life."

And that video was stitched by some guy wearing scrubs who said something like "actually this is true, here is one article from the 70's of a psychiatrist who had noticed that a lot of his schizophrenic patients smelled bad". So, someone posing as a medical care worker saying this is true, but his only evidence is that one psychiatrist said this once. No trials, no real evidence, not even an attempt at an explanation on why they think every schizophrenic person just smells bad all the time.

But the most absurd part about this is that there wasn't a single comment disagreeing or asking for proof of this supposed phenomenon. It was just full of people saying "I knew a schizophrenic person and they always smelled bad!" or "I've noticed this too! They always just smell awful!"

There's so many things wrong with this. First off, they are being vague as hell, "smell bad" could mean many different types of smell, and can be caused by so many different things. Second, like I said, absolutely no proof at all, but they say it as if it is an undisputed fact. People are so quick to bully people with schizophrenia, that they don't even check that this is legit, or even sensical. Third, how do they think this would be true? You could argue that schizophrenic people are more likely to be homeless and not have access to showers or hygiene products. You could argue that schizophrenic people could be mentally ill to the point where they neglect their hygiene for long periods of time. But the first speaker went out of her way to clarify that the bad smell is there even after showering and deodorant. So do they think that this is an innate biological side effect of having schizophrenia? How would that even work? The more you think about this whole thing the less sense it makes.

This was just a ramble about a great example of how people with schizophrenia are consistently harassed and dehumanized. And no one will stand up for us, or even question it, because so many people view us as less than human. We deal with so much stigma that makes people believe we are dangerous, crazy, unintelligent, and a burden to the people around us. But that wasn't enough, so now we are all inherently stinky, just always smell bad, and they present that as a fact. It just goes to show how so many people don't care what we as schizophrenic people will think about it, or how it will affect us, because they simply do not care about us at all. They don't consider us as equal. As humans who are the ones experiencing the stigma along with our mental illness, and have to face each day with the weight of both on our shoulders. With no relief given to us from the people who have the privilege of not experiencing either one.

Not all schizophrenic people smell bad. That is just a lie that people are willing to believe because they already don't care about us as people.

[soapoet]

what's next in love...? [ singles ]

detailed af.

like & rb if it resonates ♡

01.

it seems like you've been living life half awake, daydreaming of many scenarios you'd wish come true. even in established relationships you may find yourself wishing for more of something. you may have been told your ideals are naive, to lay off the romcoms and fics and be a little more realistic. you may have found yourself excited at every prospect of new love, giddy and involved, endlessly curious and a true lover of the rose coloured glasses. and perhaps you've found plenty of reasons to rejoice, but somehow things eventually trickle down and get into the mundane and the routines. and it frustrates you. so much. is there really no one out there whose loving gestures and kind words don't become clockwork, expected chores and scripted events?

there is. and this one feels a little 'too good to be true'. you yourself may sooner rather than later find yourself pinching your arm to check if you're actually awake. i suggest you try to hold back on the told-you-so's to the naysayers, as some of them have your best interest at heart. and not only that, but will provide a lot of guidance and support in terms of navigating this next chapter in love. it'll be a bit of a whirlwind and a maze, but with much promise at the end as a reward.

if you've been sitting on some sort of project, waiting to launch yourself into a new endeavour, you should get back on track. especially if you've been procrastinating. somewhere down that path, there's a person you ought to meet. they relate to your goals somehow, perhaps having done the same themselves before. they have a lot to teach you and will become a priceless source of support, but don't expect things to be handed to you. your work is your own and your rewards will be bigger and better if you can in the future look back and say, damn, look at what i did, i achieved all that! that's of course not to say you can't find help from those around you. definitely ask for assistance and support when you need it. but to come out on the other side and say you made it, ideally you paved your own way for plenty of it because you deserve the final applause and praise so much. believe in yourself and don't let the little voice in the back of your head make you doubt yourself and your ideas.

this person seems like a bit of a flirt. not in a way that should raise any concerns, as they are a very loyal person. they actually make it known loud and clear if they're already spoken for, and enjoy flaunting their partner in many ways. this is a person who will bring up your achievements and strengths at a social gathering, not to flex having you at their arm, but to genuinely shine a spotlight on you. especially if it'll get you flustered. they have a very playful energy to them that's endearing and youthful regardless of their actual age. a little bit of a peter pan vibe where they'll retain their young spirit well into their retirement. they're very easy-going and likeable, and have a lot of friends, and may connect you to a ton of new people. expect your social life to explode as a result of this connection, but at the same time be sure to make time for the friends and supporters that you have right now.

this person is used to being the centre of attention, not just socially, but professionally too. they may have a very visible job or hobbies that connect them to an audience of some kind within their chosen field. their energy is very contagious and fun, though that doesn't mean they're entirely air-headed and incapable of taking things seriously. i'm strongly getting that either they or someone close to them has struggled with a physical or mental illness for a good part of their life, so they have developed almost like an antenna to pick up on things going on that aren't being said out loud. especially if you're someone who frequently avoids bringing up your problems as to not burden others, or have a difficult time reaching out for support and being honest about how things affect you, you can rest assured that this person will quickly try to learn how to read you, or even outright ask how they can best assist you when you're struggling or even request some sort of secret code that you can use to communicate your unease so that they can quickly come to your aid.

they have a little bit of a problem taking their own concerns seriously. they seem to cope through distractions mostly. a positive in this is that they don't let things that are out of their control bother them and they do the best they can with what they got at any given time. a true optimist, but a negative aspect is that they may avoid facing their demons and try to outrun their problems. this can manifest itself with workaholic tendencies and a packed schedule in general. there might be some sort of saviour complex involved, too, in which they feel compelled to help everyone else and neglect their own needs. towards you in particular i'm getting a lot of pda and quality time. you slow them down a bit and help them stop to smell the roses. they'll be surprised by how much they've longed for peace and simplicity, and they find that solace and ease with you and it really heals them on a deep level, which in turn amps up the energy and effort they show you. goodbye routine lovers, honestly. this one walks the talk and really keeps up the pace long after the honeymoon phase.

some additional details: i'm not getting a lot in terms of appearance, which may suggest that you already know them, or at least know of them, even if they don't know of you yet. it's possible that you share mutual friends or interests or work within the same field. there is a big emphasis on their voice, and things may start off as long-distance with hours upon hours on the phone. astrological things that appear significant: leo, pisces, the sun, mercury, 11th house, 2nd house.

02.

you've been flying solo for a while now. perhaps you grew tired of, or dare i say even gave up on love? it may have seemed like there just aren't as many fish in the sea as promised. at least none that you could take seriously. and serious is what you want. and serious is what you're getting.

first and foremost i must say your standards aren't too high. do not feel ashamed of what you want, and don't let anyone tell you that you need to set realistic expectations. they're exactly where they need to be and you're attracting the quality you seek. you've ventured further out to sea to find yourself a bigger catch. the journey hasn't been easy, but it has helped you grow tremendously. i'm strongly getting that your past experiences have really helped you fine tune your build-a-bae, so to speak, and there's no more reconfiguring to do. you know what you want and what you don't want, how much of this and how much of that. the next lessons for you to learn in love are ones you will not tackle on your own, but alongside a long-term partner who is at your level. long gone are the days of disappointments and putting up with feeling like you're outgrowing your partner, because this next person is mature and ready to grow with you.

this person is what fairytales would call your true love. in as many ways as you are one and the same, you differ, sometimes wildly so. if you're an introvert, they're an extrovert. if you seek comfort, they seek adventure. it's your goals and dreams and values that hold hands in agreement, and that builds up a strong foundation for your connection. if you have a lot of feminine energy, they have a lot of masculine energy. you two may even look like opposites in some ways, or come from different cultures. and do not fret, because your differences will be a blessing, not a curse. this isn't a re-run of a love where you felt like you weren't seen or heard and were made to bend. there is a distinct element of give and take here. a beautiful balance wherein they enjoy your world and your ways, and don't force you to change any of it, and you feel compelled out of genuine desire to take their hand and let them show and share their world with you. and you're able to coexist perfectly fine in a way that makes you both feel fulfilled and at ease.

things may stall a little at first, because this person will have a bit of whiplash when the two of you meet. they may feel as if you stepped right out of their dreams in a way. like a ghost from their childhood when they were around their parents or grandparents and thought of the person they'd grow old with some day. and suddenly you're there, a distant memory made flesh, a memory forgotten long ago making a big splash as it resurfaces. but once they gather themselves i see that they'll be very direct in their pursuit of you. and it's quite the old school courting, too. they make their intentions clear and have the follow-through to walk their talk. this is a very open and honest person, although they appear a bit emotionally disconnected at times. it's not due to a lack of emotional sensitivity, but processing things before acting or speaking is a part of their character. they're very serious in love, and don't seem to fit into the modern age of tinder and hookups.

they may have a strong connection to the sea, live by the ocean, look mediterranean, or enjoy activities related to water. their features in general leans darker. be it their eyes, hair, skin, or the way they dress. there is something specifically drawing me to their hands. perhaps they work with their hands, are a very crafty person, or have a physically demanding job. or simply have very attractive hands that you would take note of. physical touch is important to them, and they are very protective of their loved ones.

speaking of loved ones, they have strong familial ties and may come from a big family. i'm also strongly getting that they come from money, though without the nepotism often associated with it. their father in particular may have made it a point to raise them with a lot of discipline and drive to make something of themselves and not just rely on a trustfund. this person is ambitious and a hard worker, and prefers to be involved and hands-on with what they do. i'm also seeing siblings playing a big role in your connection. one in particular could connect with you in a meaningful way. this family is one that will welcome you with open arms and you will feel as though you have gained another family to call your own. if you have any childhood wounds related to family, this one takes found family quite literally.

some additional details: travelling and holidays figure strongly. things get taken to the next level rather quickly because there is a lack of doubt involved. they're very generous with their time and money. this has massive signs of marriage. astrological things that appear significant: aries, taurus, saturn, the moon, the 4th house, the 9th house.

03.

it seems like you're stuck on something, or someone. and that situation didn't treat you fairly. this feels less like betrayal and more like you spent some time hauling dead weight around. in vain, i might add. either you already have or will soon drop it and move on. it might be difficult, though, and i apologise if i'm overstepping here, but in part it's due to an inability to truly let go on your part. if you want to get even, or show someone what they lost, do it by moving on with grace and making decisions for yourself and your own growth and success. beware of people around you who would gladly take advantage of your vulnerability right now. even if it feels like a rebound would benefit you, it'll only hurt you if you find yourself looking over the shoulder of another person to see if the one who hurt you sees and is affected by it. what will truly help you heal is to dust yourself off and focus on feeling whole within yourself. and don't worry, you didn't stumble into yet another love reading that will tell you, well, tough luck, no love for you, work on yourself! whilst i certainly will call you to take care of yourself and pursue things that serve you and your growth, i will also go over what's coming next.

and that's something a little eerie. you may have someone in your past, who you consciously or subconsciously measure everyone else up to. perhaps this was the one that got away, or someone you met at the wrong time. in one way or another, there is a situation you wish had happened differently. in your pursuit of finding yourself again and some solid ground to stand on after enduring stormy seas, you may run into someone who is eerily similar to someone you once knew. but at the right time, now. for some of you this may very well be the exact person you already have history with, or could've had history with, though with major improvements from the previous season. but for many this is just an oddly familiar stranger who gives you a bit of deja vu. they share many similarities with someone you've been attracted to, just less red flags and complications.

this person seems rather cerebral. their job, studies, or hobbies may revolve around psychology, literature, or science. they're very good with their words, both written and spoken. they can also be quite blunt, but not with malicious intent. they aren't afraid of speaking their mind, and may be quite passionate about their opinions. they're a great teacher, and a good student, too. they enjoy delving deeply into things and soak up new information like a sponge. they'll greatly value your opinion and perspective, and the two of you may engage in debates or discussions about a variety of topics. intellectually speaking you're on the same wavelength and seem to understand each other intuitively.

it's very possible that this starts off platonic. whilst you may be ready to jump into a relationship with them from the start, they prefer to take things slowly and really get to know you first. you may worry that the spark between you will fade over time, but this one is a lesson of patience and building a strong connection as a foundation first. especially if in the past you've been quick to hurt or get hurt, you're about to learn how differently a lover will treat you when you're first and foremost a dear friend. this connection has the potential of some serious power couple themes in the long run. the two of you feel almost dangerous as duo, but i think that just goes to show that the initial spark won't fade and actually benefit from a bit of a slow burn before the fire starts raging at full force.

there is a lot of chemistry between the two of you. a very push-and-pull, engaging, and intoxicating energy. you'll keep each other on your toes in a way that keeps things feeling fresh and exciting. you're partners in crime and the world appears to be your playground. any past heartbreaks and feelings of lack, even lackluster, is gone and replaced with adventure and passion. you're very attracted to them, and they to you, in a way that could be classified as an addiction if it weren't for the fact that the side effects are predominantly positive. the two of you may collaborate on some kind of project, and your joint efforts are sure to be a success. though you do many things together, you also support each other in your separate endeavours. there may be a bit of mutual artist and muse dynamic here, wherein you inspire them and they inspire you. you both value your individuality, and hype each other up.

this person feels devilish in some way. a maverick of sorts. they're taller, perhaps lanky, and there is an unconventional attractiveness to them. they have a unique look that really pulls you in and makes them stand out anywhere they go. they might dress in a way that makes them different from the crowd. they really march to the beat of their own drum. i'm not getting much in terms of family, so they may be very independent and live a life separate from family, or they may have some wounds in regards to their home life that they keep their walls up over. they take their friendships very seriously, many of them are ones they'd take a bullet for. this is a very ride or die type of person. they're very resilient and if they've known terrible hardships in their past, you'll be in awe of their personal strength and ability to get back up when they're knocked down.

some additional details: music is very relevant to the point where you should expect to receive a personalised playlist as a way for them to communicate their feelings for you. they might be musically inclined and play an instrument. astrological things that appear significant: scorpio, aquarius, aries, pluto, uranus, 3rd house, 10th house, 12th house.

[misespinas]

I'm convinced men point to Aileen Wuornos as “THE female serial killer” (instead of Juana Barraza, for example) is because she is the embodiment of women they hate.

Many people would use the excuse that they point to Wuornos because she is American. There are more than a handful of examples of female serial killers in America who have killed more people than Aileen Wuornos ever did (Christine Falling, Genene Jones, Nannie Doss, Belle Gunness, etc), so she is not special in that regard.

People would argue that her method was just so unspeakable. Most female serial killers murder by poison or similar less violent methods than their male counterparts. Her method of killings was by shooting her victims, which is not very atypical of female murderers.

Aileen Wuornos is singled out as “THE female serial killer” because she was a lesbian, she was a prostitute, and she killed when she knew she would be r*ped.

It is undisputed that Aileen was most likely raped by the first man she killed, Richard Mallory, because he has a history of s*xual assault and rape. People scoff at the idea of a prostitute being raped, but every time you make a person decide on food for dinner or not having sex with you, that is rape.

These men view her as “THE female serial killer” because she is the embodiment of women that are subhuman to them, yet they still believe they deserving of sex from.

Aileen Wuornos was mentally ill; she had a psychopathic personality and likely had ASPD and/or BPD as well. She was severely s*xually abused as a child. There are definitely red flags of someone who would become a disturbed individual, I'm not arguing against that. I'm just asking, “Why do they focus on Aileen Wuornos?”

Reason 1383929 I hate “true crime communities”

[symptoms-syndrome]

I really wish there were more comparative (?) examples of symptoms like dissociation, amnesia, lack of focus etc specifically because there's a misunderstanding that many of these symptoms are by their own merit seen as proof of a disorder, despite many of them being, to a lesser degree, part of many people's Normal Healthy Experience. It would be far more validating, personally, to see examples of normal levels of dissociation/forgetfulness/etc to compare to disordered levels than it is just to be told "well, normal people don't [x]" when they very much do, just not to the degree I do.

For example, it's normal to not remember every minute of a car ride, what exactly you had for lunch a week ago, or the name of someone you met for the first time recently. It's even normal, to a degree, to not remember chunks of childhood. It isn't normal to not remember your home address or your birthday or your mother's name. Similarly, it's relatively normal to daydream or "drift off" in a boring class or meeting, to a degree, but it isn't healthy to do it so often or so intensely that you can't focus at all on real life.

Not to mention, very rarely are symptoms indicators of one mental illness each. Being unable to focus can be a symptom of ADHD, dissociation, depression, or just being tired, dehydrated, or uninterested. People have talked about how mental illnesses are more than just a single symptom, but it's important to remember the inverse as well, symptoms are not in and of themselves mental illness.

I do understand why people make posts about [symptom] not being something "normal" or "healthy" people do, we all need to validate ourselves and our experiences, especially when they're dismissed, but I do worry about the expectation that this kind of thinking presents. It's incredibly unfair both to ourselves and our support systems. For ourselves, it sets up unrealistic expectations. "I will be healed and healthy when I can focus on any task," "I will be recovered when I remember every part of my life," and "I will be done with recovery when I no longer think about my trauma" are all things I've thought or said in therapy, and none of them are true or fair. It sets up this idea that I will be healthy, happy, healed, recovered, etc when I am perfect, but if I will never attain that perfection, that's setting me up to believe I will never recover. For others, it sets the idea that if someone is "healed," "healthy," or "neurotypical," that they CAN achieve these unrealistic expectations. If I am to believe that a person in my support system does not have a mental illness (because they've told me, or because they simply have not disclosed to me,) I might expect them to remember everything, always be able to focus on tasks, or never be in a depressed, irritable, or down.

[because-its-eurovision]

Hi friends🖤

The week after the Esc final was pretty horrible for me mentally. For the first time ever I was physically ill and actually cried because of the results. The result might have been what I expected, but wasn’t expecting to feel so betrayed and let down. I was really worried I’d start spiraling, but I am lucky enough to have you all here, which really helped. I want to say how sorry I am.

I’m sorry that the televoters didn’t get the winner they wanted. I’m sorry for all of you who used their money to vote in vain. I’m sorry for my country not getting the opportunity to host the contest next year, celebrate and show our culture and I’m sorry that I don’t get the opportunity to welcome my mutuals to Finland. I’m so, so sorry for Yle who put up the best national selection of the year and did everything they could to get the best possible result, and it still wasn’t enough. Most of all I’m sorry for Käärijä who gave his all and damn near burned himself out to reach his dream to win Eurovision and then felt like he had failed us.

As the last seven days have gone by, I’ve slowly gone through the stages of grief. Denial that the results can’t be true and believing that they must be rigged. Anger at the nepotism and favouritism. Bargaining, thinking that maybe the Swedish delegation feels bad and lets Finland co-host next year or even gives us the trophy. Depression and fear that we are never going to get this close to winning ever again and this was our only shot. Finally, acceptance that everyone played by the contest’s rules and the end result is what it is.

Yle made a great choice of showing Käärijä’s Ice Hall show live and making it available all around the world. It was the marketplace celebration he wanted and deserved, but even better. Every single person in that audience was there for him and only him, as was every viewer wherever in the world they might be. Käärijä got the main character moment he deserved and that really warms my heart. The show also gave a closure to the after-Eurovision week and the post Eurovision depression and the new national trauma that all of Finland was starting to experience. It kinda ended this season on a high note for us.

Last night I unpacked the last stuff from my suitcase, put my bolero away, folded my Käärijä shirts to the closet. Then I went for a walk by the seashore, just to clean my thoughts from all the literal and figurative noise. And I remembered how small we are, and how unsignificant everything really is. And after a while, the numb grief was repleced by gratefulness. So I wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to every single one of you. Thank you for all the love you have shown to Finland and Käärijä this year. Thank you for the comments and likes, thank you for making art and memes, thank you for streaming and voting and supporting us. Finland, Finnish artists and Finnish language are so often forgotten and being in the spotlight of the whole world right now feels unreal and incredible. Thank you for watching our silly little national selection and their content, thank you for following Käärijä’s journey. 

Thank you to everyone in Liverpool and all over the world who was rooting for Finland this year. I’ll never forget the German journalist who told me off the record that she wanted Finland to win, or the half dozen Spanish guys in green boleros, or the local volunteer who sang cha cha cha with me in the middle of the street, or the people who chanted for Käärijä at the arena, or the Brits next to us who came to give us comforting hugs when the result was clear. I’ve never seen my nation supporting something or someone in such a unison. The green colour, the outfits, the haircuts; cakes, drinks, decorations, celebrations all over. I’m thankful that people showed up at the airport and made clear to Käärijä how proud we are of him and how much everyone loves him. Not only did he reach a result most of couldn’t have even hoped for a few years back, he did it in our own language. He put Finland on a pedestal for the world to see and united this whole country in a way I’ve never seen before. He showed us how important it is to be yourself, be kind, accept your flaws and laugh at them, just believe in yourself and always do your best. Thank you, Jere from Vantaa. You deserve the world.

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

“fatphobia” for oversized shirts most chronically online shit ive ever heard LMAO?

fatphobia isnt real—no one wants to be unhealthy and it shouldn’t be promoted its ridiculous

I feel like I should actually make a bingo card for this lmao. that would be fun

I'll take 'automatically equating weight to health' and 'saying that fat people existing in any space and wanting love and acceptance is promoting being fat or promoting obesity'

saying that 'fatphobia isn't real' is the free space lmao

I also love it when people say 'chronically online' to diminish someone's argument or to say that someone's problems aren't real. like as if fat people - especially fat women, don't get called ugly, told they are unlovable, are heinously bullied, are diminished in every other area of life, only to come online trying to find some mental escapism and then find most fandoms and fanfiction spaces taken over by skinny people unconsciously saying they are unlovable as well

and you're right! nobody wants to be unhealthy. being unhealthy fucking sucks.

but as someone with a genetic disorder who was near death at my lightest weight and whose weight constantly fluctuates because of my chronic illness - people don't get to fucking choose if they are healthy or not. (and 90% of people don't get to choose their weight/body type either.) skinny able bodied just believe that they choose to be skinny and healthy when it is 100% luck of the draw, and every single able bodied person is one bad accident or one disease away from being disabled and unhealthy and unlucky.

think about that. you are under the fucking delusion that being fat automatically means being unhealthy (not true) and being skinny automatically means being healthy (boo) and skinny people have just made magically better, wiser choices in order to end up in the smart, happy, skinny group. no! skinny people can have genetic disorders, cancer, autoimmune diseases - and fat people can run marathons and exercise every single day and be in peak health. most people who participate in strong man competitions are someone you would consider 'fat', and they are major athletes.

also - can we just fucking annihilate the idea that existing as a fat person is 'promoting' being fat? like if writing fanfiction including fat people to make myself and all the amazing fat people in fandoms feel loved and feel included is 'promoting' fatness - then I will promote it all fucking day.

💖 my blog is now the #1 promoter of being fat 💖

and that is not a negative thing. I just want fat people out there to feel loved and included. and that is the most healthy mindset in the world for people who have been bullied and told they are unworthy their whole lives

also, by your logic, any time that smoking or alcohol is mentioned in fics then those things are being 'promoted'. when these things are just a part of life and people write about them because they exist irl. just like fat people do. gasp! so please - suck a fart out of my ass and go apologize to every single fat person you know for being so damn ignorant (but I don't expect you to actually keep any fat friends with your attitude lmao)

[npdmonoma]

The more I try to get involved in the tumblr NPD community, the more obvious it becomes that we have a serious problem. This community is extremely hostile toward endogenic systems. Now, I'm well aware that many of you want this to be the case, and see no problem with it. This post is for you.

If your justification for hating and excluding endogenics is because "science says it's not possible", you're wrong. Here is a list of professionals acknowledging the existence of endogenic and/or nondisordered systems. Here is a list of studies into non-traumagenic causes of plurality. It's true that CDDs have a high correlation with childhood trauma, and I honestly believe that the vast majority of the time trauma is the cause of them. However, correlation does not equal causation, and belief is not the same as fact. I cannot, in good faith, argue that it's impossible for endogenic systems to exist. For one thing, the vast majority of endogenic systems aren't claiming to have a CDD at all. And the ones who do typically blame trauma for the CDD itself, they simply believe that their plurality has a different cause.

If your justification for hating and excluding endogenics is that "they do [insert bad behavior here]", you're a hypocrite. That's the same logic narcissistic abuse believers use against us. It's true that there are some endogenic systems who behave badly, just as it's true that there are some narcissists who behave badly. However, you don't get to brand an entire group as acceptable targets of ostracization and harassment just because some members of that group are awful. It's not okay when they do it to us, and it's not okay for us to turn around and to it to anyone else. Respectability politics will not save us.

I'm not saying that I don't understand why this community is hostile to endogenics, because I do. Both the CDD community and the NPD community have latched onto the explanation of "I'm like this because of trauma and therefore your attacks on me are invalid", so it makes sense that this would morph into hostility toward, and exclusion of, anyone claiming to have the same or a similar experience for any non-trauma reason. It feels like an attack on your own validity, but it isn't. Your brain works the way it does, and people need to accept and accommodate that no matter the cause.

That being said, being understandable doesn't make a behavior acceptable. We will never defeat ableism by throwing people we don't like to the wolves. We will never be able to tear down any system of oppression by casting out anyone who fails to meet an arbitrary standard of validity. There is not any one of us that will be free until every single one of us is free.

That includes endogenic systems. It includes people whose NPD didn't come from trauma. It includes every single mentally ill and neurodivergent person who fails to fit the mold created by a psychiatric system that would sooner grind us under its heel than allow us to have true self-determination and autonomy. Endogenic systems, especially those with NPD, deserve better.

We're shooting ourselves in the foot if we can't do right by them, so get your shit together

[sirfrancisvarney]

I had been enjoying this season of True Detective so much, and I was so looking forward to the last episode and seeing how they'd wrap things up, but when it finally aired, I was left feeling so disappointed.

The explanation given of what Tsalal was up to in the beginning made absolutely no sense, to the point where I was willing to believe it was a cover story for something else. Unfortunately, the nonsense about whatever they were drilling being too hard to extract DNA from is apparently true, somehow. I don't understand it. We've been drilling into glaciers and permafrost for decades. Why would the core being too "hard" make it too difficult to extract DNA? We're talking about ice; why can't you just thaw it? Are you trying to get DNA out of literal rock, like fossilized bacteria or something? Shearing DNA is the least of your problems. And what sort of pollution is going to make your cores "softer" without destroying or contaminating your samples? Am I really supposed to believe that's the best method available?

Look, on some level, what the Tsalal scientists were doing isn't actually important, because as far as the narrative is concerned, it's just a MacGuffin, just something to get them there and give them a reason to kill Annie K. and kickstart the plot. On the other hand, what they were doing is the most important thing, because it serves as their motivation, and if I can't believe the first crime, the whole plot falls apart. For the story to succeed, I have to believe that they would all kill Annie K. over her attempted destruction of their work. And since the scientists aren't given much in the way of characterization (like at this point I still don't know if they were all completely off their rocker or if Clark was right and they did find what they were looking for), then their research has to be something I would recognize as being worth killing over. But their research makes no sense, so I don't. And this killed the story for me. 

In the companion podcast Issa López talked about listening to indigenous women and getting their input when developing the story, and I've seen people online comment on the show accurately portraying life in Alaska. I just wish the science side of things had received the same level of attention.

On a more personal and subjective note, the ending was also too happy for me. There was a time when I liked tales of badass women getting revenge on evil men as much as anyone, but those stories feel like empty wish-fulfillment nowadays. I can't believe in those kinds of endings anymore, because they only seem to exist in fiction. Was a single video from a dead man who was well-known to be mentally ill really all it took to bring down the mine? In 2020, there were video recordings of both Ahmaud Arbery's and George Floyd's murders everywhere on the internet, protests in every state in the US, people getting their eyes shot out or receiving permanent brain damage from cops shooting them in the face, and for what? After all that, as soon as 2021 rolled around, the newspapers were platforming all these bullshit liars claiming crime was now worse than it was back in the 80s.

I don't know, maybe I'm just too cynical, but I don't believe justice or change can be made so easily or quickly, and it irritates me sometimes to see it presented that way in fiction. Maybe if the Tsalal research had made more sense, I wouldn't have been as bothered by the rest.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #242

What feeling do you have the most difficult in expressing? Jealousy. It's not something I experience often, and I think because it's rare, I have NO idea how to handle it.

Do you make your bed everyday? Why/why not? Only roughly. I just straighten the cover a bit.

Does any particular season make you happier than others? Why/why not? Autumn. I just love this time of year.

Do you give money to homeless people/beggars? Why/why not? No because I literally HAVE no money. I do not own a dollar. I'm also very afraid of people, but if there ever is a time I finally have my own income, I would like to. My mom is the friendliest person to homeless people that I know and she inspires me a lot.

What do you feel is your number one flaw? Are you doing anything about it? When it boils down to it... maybe that I have zero faith in myself and my abilities. That causes a lot of problems in my life. And I mean yeah, I'm in therapy and I've worked very hard on being kinder to myself and just trying to learn to believe in me.

Do you see yourself as worthy of love? Why/why not? I... struggle with this. I'm working on it.

Do you think you are competitive? Do you really dislike losing? No, and I really don't vibe with competitive-ass people. Everyone wins some, everyone loses some. That's the way of life. My mama raised me to believe everyone has their turn.

On which topics do you feel qualified at giving advice? I dunno. I'm too self-doubtful for this.

Will you be single over winter? I don't see the future. I wouldn't think so though, Girt and I are doing great.

Do you add random questions into surveys when you take them? No. I only ever delete some for a variety of reasons.

Would you get married if you could right now? I'd prefer not to right now.

Do you consider yourself spoiled? It depends. I am REMARKABLY lucky that my mom still takes care of me when I'm pushing 30; she understands that I'm a mentally ill person with a lot of struggling points and is being a true mother in never giving up on me. She does what she can, but I'm going to take the phrasing the last person used: I don't think I'm spoiled in a bratty sort of way. I don't get everything I want and stuff. I'm just very lucky to have a mom who didn't kick her chick out of the nest before she was ready.

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? I do.

Have you ever slept on a couch with that person? Not a couch, no. I'm a big person, we ain't gonna be comfortable enough to sleep cuddling on a couch lol. Or rather, I wouldn't be, no way in hell. I already struggle to sleep in bed.

Have you written a letter to a soldier? Not that I remember. I suppose it's possible from elementary school, but I don't remember it.

Where are the majority of your clothes from? Probably Walmart.

Does being in love make you nervous? Yes, because I've been hurt so badly by love before.

Would you do your own surgery to keep yourself alive? (ex. stitches) I have no idea. I would have to be in this situation to know.

Have you ever had any really infected injuries? I've had two infected piercings and those sucked. The cyst I had got BADLY infected, that was hell on fucking earth.

Is racism for losers? It sure fucking is hunny!!!!!!!

Is there any band out there that you like every song by them? No, not even Ozzy or Rammstein.

Are you popular on any websites? No.

Have you ever cussed/swore in front of younger children? Accidentally, yes. I try not to do this in respect to however their parents are raising them. Most don't want their kids hearing words like that.

Will you go to your high school reunion? No. I have no desire to go back there.

If you could meet one famous person, who would it be? Markiplier, probably. I'd love to hear some motivational talk from him.

Do you hate it when people look over your shoulder? Dude it doesn't matter WHAT I'm doing, how innocent it is, don't fucking do this, it makes me insanely uncomfortable.

Would you consider yourself hypocritical? Everyone is a hypocrite to some degree, I think everyone knows that.

Do you know anyone who had had a heart attack under 30 years of age? I don't believe so.

Are you considered popular at school? I wasn't.

If you were starving would you eat food out of a garbage can? Ugh fuck this question, it makes me think of my worst fucking fear in the world, being homeless and having to live like this. If I was LITERALLY STARVING, I'm sure I'd probably eventually look, because it's that or fucking die. I mean, look at the food we sometimes throw away, it's oftentimes fine, we're just being picky. I would never do this if I wasn't in this exact situation though.

When you last watched a movie, did you watch it alone or with someone? With someone. I never watch movies alone.

Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? No bullshit, I wouldn't work somewhere that didn't. Get with the fuckin' times.

Ever had a caricature done of yourself? How much was it, and were you satisfied with it? No.

Do you like peanut butter and fluff sandwiches? I haven't tried this since I was a child, but I remember I didn't as a kid because the texture bothered me.

Ever been to Gaia Online? Do you have an account? No, I've only heard of it.

If you got married and then got divorced, would you want to re-marry? I don't know.

Would you ever enlist in the army? I'd rather diiiiiiieeeeeee <3

Last time you were at a job interview? How did it go? Maybe like... 2019. I got the job. Didn't last long.

What’s one place you’d NEVER want to work at? I would never, EVER work in food, especially fast food. Hungry people are fucking mean. I also write super slow so would write down orders too slowly but more importantly than that, my memory is actual garbage and I KNOW I'd often fuck up, and that pisses people off.

Do you use Tumblr? What do you normally post? Yes, my main blog focuses on Rammstein.

Did you tease freshmen in high school? No, because I found it remarkably immature. Like, you were once a freshman too and didn't want to be picked on.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? Nope, that's farther than I've ever traveled.

Do you like Taylor Swift? I don't like any billionaire, thanks.

What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? Disney Channel movie? I dunno.

Do you ever have to do yard work? No.

Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? Yes.

Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? For both, male.

Do you prefer group or individual work? Individual. I fucking dreaded group work when I was in school. Thankfully most of my teachers trusted me to work alone.

Do you have a key to anything besides your house? No.

Have you ever been to any sort of convention? I went to the country's most popular NARBC with Sara.

Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom.

Last thing that pissed you off? Seeing a video of pet meerkats. I struggle to understand why it's legal in some countries.

What about kids on leashes? What do you think about that? People overreact immensely to this. Like what, would you rather your kid be snatched? Or have them wander off? "Well teach them to stay by you!" That doesn't always work. What about kids with mental issues that are more inclined to wander and stuff? I'd rather your kids be safe.

New tats in your near future? How about piercings or re-piercings? Tattoos, no, not in the near future. I want loads more, but they're not a priority right now for whenever I am gifted money. Perhaps I'll get my nose repierced for Christmas, but I don't know.

Would you ever visit a psychic medium? If you would, what would you wanna know? I don't fuck with scam artists.

What’s something you have a very strong opinion about? Abortion rights, to name one thing. I have a lot of very strong opinions.

Are you family-orientated in everything you do? No.

Do others consider you to be stuck up? I can't see how anyone would think that.

Would you often call yourself a moody person? I know I am.

Are you self-sufficient? Honestly, no.

Sleep position? Side or stomach. I physically cannot sleep on my back.

Who is your best friend? My boyfriend.

Do you have an online best friend as well? My closest online friends are Tez and Mazzy.

Who is your favorite person to spend time with? My boyfriend.

Have you ever had tendinitis? No.

Do you know how to grill a steak? Sure don't.

Do you mosh when you go to concerts/shows? I never have and wouldn't. Mosh pits scare me.

When’s the last time you went to a nightclub? Never been to one, don't want to.

Are you good at playing darts? I wouldn't really know, but considering I'm really uncoordinated, most likely not.

Are “school friends” and friends different to you? Yes. They can overlap, but not all "school friends" are true friends, y'know?

Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? Love 'em.

Ever been friends with someone you didn’t expect? Yes.

The last time you kissed someone, were your arms around their neck? No.

Have you had any form of exercise today? No.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes.

Your first dog? I was born into the family with a collie named Trigger, but I have no memories of her, she died when I was young. Who *I* consider to be our first dog was Angel, because I remember her. She died of parvo when young, though. She got quite unlucky, she also had her leg run over by a car... Don't ask me why she was outside unleashed.

Is it easy for you to pretend everything’s okay? No.

Do you prefer mint, citrus, or cinnamon toothpaste? Mint.

What’s your favorite color out of these five: Green, Yellow, Blue, or Purple? Purple.

Have you done anything sneaky lately? No.

Do you keep notes, drawings or letters that people give you? Yes, I have a box for that.

Have you had a significant other that you never kissed? I've dated people I've never kissed. "Significant other" sounds more serious.

Do you depend on people at all, in any way? Quite a lot. I've already sorta covered how much I depend on my mom. I live with her, don't work, don't have some other stream of income. I don't drive because I panic behind the wheel and it makes me unsafe.

Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else? Yes to both, many times.

Do you have any pictures of yourself with the person you like? A few, but not many. Neither of us are picture people.

[cyanomys]

The Misery Loop

I have a potentially unpopular take. Disclaimer: IANAD, I'm just a person with moderately severe chronic illness and an entirely useless psych degree.

Part of the burden of every illness is psychological. The way you think about your illness, your pain, your agency, and yourself all has an impact on how you feel physically, and even sometimes what is happening inside you biochemically. Always. This is actually true for every single sick person out there, unless they are literally comatose -- because everything you experience has to pass through your brain, which is where you have thoughts and feelings and psychology. This is even true for people who have illnesses we think of as "purely" biological, like a broken leg, or stomach cancer.

But vise versa, how you feel physically (and what is happening to you biochemically) has an impact on your psychology, too. This is because your brain is actually just 3 pounds of meat in your head, just like the other roughly 177 lbs of meat that makes up the rest of you. So your emotions and thoughts, which you think of as entirely within your control (or at least entirely in your head), are actually also moving at the whims of your gut biome or bad joints or whatever. Unfortunately.

People living with chronic illness and chronic pain can be really, really resistant to and defensive against the idea that any part of their illness is psychological. I have been one of these people. This feeling is pretty reasonable, because doctors and family members have used "it's all in your head" as an excuse to refuse us the treatments, accommodations, mobility aids, disability payments, or even just common decency that we need for the biological reality of our illness.

But staying blind to the psychological aspects of our illness shuts us off from knowledge that could help us suffer less. It's impossible to think or will or manifest yourself out of any illness (even psychiatric illness), like ableist people might imagine. However it is possible to learn about how your body and mind interact, and practice thinking in a way that will not increase your suffering.

When I've been at my sickest and most miserable, I always got stuck in a self-reinforcing thought loop about it, which I call The Misery Loop. The loop is never the cause of my illness, but it always makes me more miserable and I genuinely believe it elongates the flare. It goes like this:

Physical pain or misery -> mental anguish and feeling helpless -> physical misery heightened because of the mental misery -> avoiding a lot of things to try to be less miserable -> having no distraction and thinking about the misery more, or avoiding doing stuff that would over time make me feel better -> more misery -> repeat.

I never really saw this cycle clearly until I worked at a physical therapy clinic. Even though I just worked the front desk, I talked to many patients, saw their medical records, and learned from the PTs. For many chronic illness patients, like 60% of the effectiveness of PT was just giving them hope, a feeling of agency, and and human connection. This kicked them out of the Misery Loop enough that they could start feeling better, and benefit from that other 40% of physical exercise.

For the chronic illness patients that didn't respond to PT, sometimes the problem was that they needed some other therapy first to make it viable (like medication) -- but a lot of the time the problem was in the "avoiding things that would over time make [them] feel better" part of the Misery Loop. They were so hypervigilant about not increasing The Misery that they were unable to do the PT that would potentially help in the long run.

And can you blame them? The Misery is really horrible. If they weren't in a chronic pain/illness context, all of this would probably be good and protective right? So this is probably just how the brain is designed to keep them alive but it doesn't understand what to do with long term misery.

And by "they" I mean "I". I was literally working at a PT office, receiving free PT, and struggling with this exact problem. I said I saw the cycle while I worked there. But I was so resistant to the idea that any of this was "in my head" that I was always really anxious and full of cognitive dissonance about what I observed and my own inability to do the exercises. I didn't finish fully unpicking the emotional mess I felt about this until like this week. And it took a lot of journaling.

How do you get out of the Misery Loop? Idk all the answers man, I'm new at this. Just paying attention to how my thoughts and body react to each other is helping me catch when they're in the cycle. Distracting myself instead of dwelling on the Misery helps, or telling my brain when it tries to say "ugh my head hurts" for the 50th time to "shut up, I am fucking AWARE that our head hurts." Acceptance (in the "accepting what I can't change" sense, not the "giving up" sense) also seems to help stave off the Misery Loop.

And I've been keeping a careful health journal but trying to remember to frame what I learn as "this is what I CAN do" instead of "this is what I can't do". Which maybe sounds pollyanna, but it works. Instead of constantly searching for what makes me worse so that I can avoid it, I can search for new things (or old things in new ways) that are tolerable. Instead of my world getting smaller and smaller, it gets bigger and bigger, a teeny tiny bit at a time. I'm going to talk to my therapist about this more soon too, once we get done with the main part of OCD therapy.

Realizing all this makes me extremely angry actually. This is one more avenue that bad doctors and shitty family and medical trauma took from me, for many many years. If "it's all in your head" hadn't been weaponized against me, I think I would have naturally come to believe I had some control over my thoughts about my illness. And I would have been less miserable. But I was clutching desperately onto the thought that "this must be 1000% out of my control in every way" because I had been beaten into believing that otherwise I didn't deserve treatment -- which actually took my agency away and made me more likely to enter the Misery Loop. Fuck ableism.

Not to mention the ableist idea at the core of the whole "all in your head" garbage -- that things in your head are under your control, and therefore moral failings.

When googling around my Misery Loop sounds a lot like the "Pain-Thought-Pain Cycle". Plus there's something very Buddhist about the whole "don't add to your suffering with mental suffering" angle. Considering that I've been wading around in the waters of psychology (as both a patient and a student) and secular buddhism for a while I probably picked it up from there. I think "Misery Loop" is way more catchy though. And sometimes, you have to simmer something around in your brain soup for a while, and then pour it back out as something new, in order to make sense of it.

I have a very unscientifically validated theory that different people (even at different times in their lives) have a different amount that the misery loop contributes to their suffering. So like, one person might be 90% misery loop and 10% literal something-mechanically-wrong-in-body, while another person might be 90% something-mechanically-wrong-in-body and 10% misery loop. That's probably why some people are like "Therapy cured my chronic pain!" or whatever, whereas some people find a medication that cures them.

I imagine that for the vast majority of us, it is an inconveniently sticky mixture of the two in closer proportion. It is cruelly ironic, but it is much more difficult to figure out your Misery Loop (and Misery Trauma) when you're also dealing with The Misery. Falling into the Misery Loop is a perfectly valid thing to do, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. I will probably do it again myself. Hell, I'll probably do it tomorrow.

But maybe eventually we can claw ourselves out, inch by inch, thought by thought. And suffer a little less than we would otherwise.

[theelderhazelnut]

OC Interview

A huge thank you to @black-dragon-posting for tagging me <3

Tagging: @vivilovespink @darialovesstuff @bar10du @huepazu @scentedcandleibex @confidentandgood @aliyaaaepel3 @loverofthewindgod @ninibear3000 @roofgeese @orbitinytheworld @krysta-cross @loreoflemons @detectivelokis @captastra @zoetheneko @isabellawaites

Ombra impatiently checked the white clock hanged on the wall. "How long is this going to take?" She asked the interviewer while maintaining a flat face.

"Not more than fifteen minutes." The interviewer observed the pile of papers in his hands, grinning widely at the thoughts racing in his head. "This documentary is going to be very much different from the previous ones we produced."

"How come?"

"You will soon find out, Miss Ombra." The interviewer gestured to the cameramen. "Cameras? Okay, Let's begin!"

Basics

"Name?"

"Are you asking for my real name? It's Golnaz. And my last is Zomorodian"

"Are you single?"

"No, I am currently in a relationship with one of the most powerful sorcerers among the realms." An uncontrollable toothy smile appeared on her lips.

"Are you happy?"

"I try to be. But uh-" Ombra slightly frowned. "I have to be. This is the least I can do in order to not make my life a literal hell."

"Are you angry?"

Ombra drops her head, letting out a silent smirk. "Only plants are not angry."

"Are your parents still married?"

Ombra nodded a "yes".

9 Facts

"Birth place?"

"Hamedan, Iran. You can read it thoroughly from my eyes."

"Hair color?"

"Do I really need to say this?" She took a wavy strand of her lose ponytail to the front and continued. "Dark brown. You may think it's black, but it reveals its true color under the sunlight."

"Eye color?"

Ombra wrinkled her lips in slight annoyance. "Chocolate brown. Very much dark as well. But it changes. If I utilize an enormous amount of my Metalrealmer energy, it changes to cyber yellow."

"Birthday?"

"November twenty sixth."

"Mood?"

"At this moment? Well, curious I think. Curious to know what happens at the end."

"Gender?"

"I'm half-female half-neutral. I do feel totally neutral sometimes." She paused for a moment then continued. "Do I have to elaborate?"

"Summer or Winter?"

Her eyes brightened. "That's a tough question. Eh...I prefer both. I don't know. The fresh air and the longer days in Summer hypes up my mood."

"Morning or Afternoon?"

"Definitely afternoon. Every single living thing falls in a relaxing silence in that time. And it's just me running around in the base." Ombra let out a soft chuckle.

Eight Things About Your Love Life

"Are you in love?"

"Yes, I am. With myself. No no no, I won't deny that, but yes. I am in love with another person."

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"No. If you feel totally attached to someone in the very first sight, and all of a sudden crave them desperately, you are undoubtedly mentally ill."

"Who ended your last relationship?"

"There wasn't any."

"Have ever broken someone's heart?"

Ombra nodded in agreement. "And I have zero regrets. Of course, I'm not sure how many times I did because, well, maybe some of them were unintentional."

"Are you afraid of commitments?"

"Only when it's about Quan Chi, I guess. Not being to fulfill my promises to him is an absolute nightmare. I don't want to be a fake manipulator."

"Have you hugged someone within the last week?"

"As far as I remember I only hugged Quan Chi. But please don't be afraid if you want to hug me." She calls to no one.

"Have you ever had a secret admirer?"

"I'm not sure if this counts, but I'm gonna say Quan Chi. He did nothing a secret admirer would do." She shrugged. "But still."

"Have you ever broken your own heart?"

"This sounds weird, but no. It isn't easy to break my heart. You must be something so precious to me to be able to do that." She leant her chin on her palm. "I'm not saying that I'm not precious to myself."

Six Choices

"Love or Lust?"

"Both."

"Lemonade or Iced tea?"

"I choose iced tea. It tastes more like water, and responses to my thirst perfectly."

"Cats or dogs?"

"You have no idea what kittens can do to me."

"A few best friends or many regular friends?"

"I am not so professional in taking care of acquaintances, so the answer is obvious."

"Wild night out or romantic night in?"

"It entirely depends on my mood and physical energy. A wild night out with Quan Chi is literally a life-death situation which requires great physical energy. Sadly, I use most of that energy at work, so it's a romantic relaxing night in ninety percent of the time."

"Day or night?"

"My preference changes all the time about this. I'm not going to give you a firm answer."

Four Have You Evers

"Been caught sneaking out?"

"When I was a child, home was the safest place for me, so I technically had no reason to sneak out. But as an adult? No."

"Fallen down/up the stairs?"

"I'm always careful." Ombra lowered her tone to almost a whisper. "But I'm secretly afraid of it ever happening."

"Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt?"

"Not someone. Something."

"Wanted to disappear?"

"Yes and no."

Four Preferences

"Smile or eyes?"

"Eyes tell a different story. It way harder to fake your eyes movements and the truth behind them than faking your smile." She shrugged. "Also they're more beautiful."

"Shorter or taller?"

"You mean my own height? Well, of course, taller. Much taller."

"Intelligence or attraction?"

"Intelligence can also bring about attraction. In fact, intelligence can bring about almost anything, so I think attraction is not enough on its own."

"Hook-up or relationship?"

"It's disgusting to me to touch someone who I just met, so I say relationships, obviously."

Family

"Do you and your family get along?"

Ombra nodded. "I was lucky that I was born in a functional family."

"Would you say you have a messed-up life?"

Ombra frowned, staring at the distance. "Depending on how you look at it, I do have a chaotic life, but it's no "messed up". However, it's on the edge of it, and it only requires a snap of my finger."

"Have you ever run away from home?"

"Not from the building of my home, but I did technically run away from my country. To survive."

"Have you ever gotten kicked out?"

"My family love me. No matter what I do." A bitter smile curved her lips.

Friends

"Do you secretly hate one of your friends?"

"What kind of a question is this? Do you intend to expose me?"

"No no! Absolutely not! You can skip this one!"

Ombra's eyes darkened. "I don't. I can't stand keeping someone I despise so close to me."

"Do you consider all your friends good friends?"

"I deliberate before choosing them."

"Who is your best friends?"

"There's three of them. My sister, Quan Chi and Menace." (@vivilovespink)

"Who knows everything about you?"

"My sister and Quan Chi. Menace knows too much, too." She chuckled lightly. "It's just that he's the last best friend I found, so we need more time. Y'know, not everything can be told."

"That should be it. Thank you for giving us your time, Miss Ombra."

"You're welcome." She responded, and watched the three men leave the room as they chatted cheerfully. "This show's gonna definitely rock it!"

[alittlebitofrainbyyourside]

There's a study that basically says that the happiest relationships are those where both people in the party think that their partner is a better person than their partner views themselves to be.

Not 'when each party thinks the other person is better than they themselves are' but specifically looking at like, our perceptions of ourselves and how that interacts with relationships.

And.. ya know. Yeah.

I think my wife is hot shit. I think syn is amazing, my wife could pull way better than me.

My wife is an almost 6 foot tall they/she with a PhD, who weight lifts and is kind as hell. They are patient, she's an amazing cook, she's smart and funny and has the biggest tits I've ever been blessed to stim with. Body like an hour glass, former kink model, amazingly sweet and soft sadist. My wife is simply amazing in every single way and I think everyone should be jealous they don't have a Syn.

On the other hand, I'm a menace to society. I am in most cases, the most mentally ill person in any physical room I operate in. That's not a weird flex. it's just... true. My physical health conditions + the hours I work mean I don't help out enough around the house. I refuse to work less. Not offering to work more physically pains me more than working more hurts me. I struggle with basic human connection and am prone to lecturing everyone around me. I talk like I swallowed a psychology and sociology textbook. I'm a giant asshole with a chip on my shoulder surrounding care work and activism. I do not cook. My DID and how it works means I often flinch back even from my wife, and if I'm not flinching there is still a huge chance I will audibly gag and make faces if they try to kiss me because ew- kissing is gross.

But that's not how Syn views me. And I can accept that. I might think she's fucking crazy for it, but she loves me. They think I'm smart and funny and okay, a little quirky. My wife thinks I'm really compassionate and likes that I consider all the sides of issues instead of finding me infuriating. For reasons beyond my comprehension, they also think I'm hot. Baffling. My wife considers it an honor that even though all of my brain pieces don't necessarily like, want to be in an adult relationship- that they all trust her enough to come home. Syn thinks I'm a hard worker and appreciates that it means something to me to be able to make a difference in other people's lives.

And I know that previously Syn has had a lot of anxiety in relationships regarding their autism and not picking up on cues. I know that they have feelings about the fact that there are people who have found them annoying and standoffish. That they're aware that a lot of people have problems with how long it takes them to acclimate to the idea of change. Who have gotten annoyed at them for talking about their special interests too much. I know they have anxiety about their physical health disabilities and not being able to work enough/being seen as a burden because of that.

Things that like.. categorically don't bother me/ aren't how I see them.

And I dunno. There's advice I could give about being even more in love and happy at 5 years of marriage than we were that first year. But I think the research is right.

You want a partner who sees a better version of yourself than you see, and you want to see a better version of your partner than they see.

You want to see and believe the best in each other. Not in a 'they have potential' way but in a 'they are already enough' way.

[egg-emperor]

alright so I haven't been bringing up anything about it here for a while and deleted almost all mentions of it on my blog but if you know, you know. the only reason I'm bringing it up is because it's something positive, this is finally the last time I'm gonna

so you know the drama and whole situation? it's finally over. I never got the closure of talking things out with those who made immediate assumptions, believed lies, and blocked me and I can't get off the blacklists, so I'll always just kinda be in the shadows and I'm accepting it

but I found closure in another way on my own. I've been doing my best to shift my mindset into a more positive one and take better care of myself lately and things still get tough at times and I slip a bit, I think some of the reminders will always sting a bit but overall I've been doing better.

and a new development: it turns out, all the main people behind the drama are huge hypocrites that have endorsed the EXACT kind of concepts they had a problem with me for most, I've been given proof. so lol. apparently it's fine if they do it but it makes me a monster. :P

it was never about morals. they just didn't like me for who I am and used what I do and create as a reason to call me out and turn people against me. and I'll never get an apology despite how unfair it is but truly getting the confirmation that I was right about this gives me peace.

I'm going to keep moving and doing my thing. I'm not going to let anything ruin my passion for what I do. I'm not going to allow anyone else or mental illness turn it into something unpleasant for me. I'm going to keep working on myself too and show them I don't need them

it's good to finally feel peace and closure over this the exact time bad shit started happening irl that I don't want to talk about here. I didn't need this on top of everything else, so it's nice to really let go now. this is a positive space for me to unwind and escape irl stress for a while again

and I want to say thank you to every single person who gave me support in any amount. in the height of getting death threats, terrible lies being spread to turn everyone against me, and those involved were dismissing my pain, it really meant a lot that you all heard me out, understood, and supported me. it really helped and kept me going after a year that was very tough for me for many reasons outside of the internet too and I'll always be thankful.

I'm ready to let go of the pain and keep being myself and doing what I love, knowing that I always stayed true to myself and my heart overall, and those that matter most are all the cool people who stuck by me in it. thank you so much! 💜

[waterparksdrama]

I’ve been watching the hunny drama unfold for a while from the sidelines for a while now without saying anything, and I gotta say at this point it’s kinda unsettling how y’all are so ready to justify obvious alcoholism. I’ve followed this blog for like 3 years and this is the first time y’all have given me the ick but like… yikes. Not being able to go a single goddamn show 30 min set all tour without drinking is blatantly alcoholic behavior. I hope he gets help, so I’m not gonna jump on the hate train because, no, it’s not “just wine” and it’s not “idgaf aesthetic”, it’s fucking embarrassing. Not being able to get through a set without drinking isn’t something to idolize, it’s called alcohol dependency.

Adding on, mods, if you feel the need to justify alcohol dependency because it makes you feel less alone in your own alcoholism I genuinely hope you get help. Justifying the negative actions of those around you (or your idols) are behaviors often seen by high functioning alcoholics that don’t want to admit to their problem. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to sobriety. If you’re genuinely not alcoholics, I actually have no fucking idea why you continue to support the behavior of someone who is obviously suffering from addiction. You can support people without supporting their addiction. I hope this helps. Btw I am a listenced councilor who works with unhoused people, many of with have substance dependency issues that I am trained to help with. I hate to bring my job into my personal free time, but you all are worrying me and it’s my job to recognize these patterns.

hey there anon! i was tapped in to answer this since i have the most ability to deal with things like these. glad we gave you the ick! anyways, one, it is a bottle of wine that we don’t even KNOW what is in there. as someone who has lived around alcoholics and struggles with it themselves, assuming alcoholism is just as bad as trying to ignore alcoholism. sure! if it is a problem, then it is! but what are we to do? we are fans of the bands, we can be concerned and that is it. we are NOT his friends and family, so really we have no place to be assuming someone’s struggles if they do exist or not. sure, you are helping people who are actively seeking out help and actually need it, but you are also pushing a narrative on someone you do not know. just because you know the signs doesn’t mean you are right every single time you see the signs.

us on the internet saying “this is a problem!!” isn’t going to do anything or make someone we don’t even personally know seek help if they need it. you all immediately raise arms about people assuming awsten’s mental health struggles or what disorders he may or may not have, but then turn around to immediately do it to others. it is not our place to diagnose a person with a struggle or illness even if you are qualified in the field. it is seriously overstepping boundaries as a fan/celebrity.

you are also assuming that we have this stance you believe we do on his on-stage bit. we are saying he’s winning the “idgaf war” by being unbothered by waterparks fans constantly saying they are a shit band. also “just wine” is TRUE to the fact that we do not know if it is actually wine or a prop. again, assuming that he is ACTUALLY drinking on stage. all of this is assumptions.

-kirsten

[kahran042]

Some good, insightful comments I found by violating the Second Corollary to Kahran’s Law of YouTube Comments:

“everyone says that this animatic is amazing because it shows that Zoe shouldn’t miss Connor because he was terrible to her, and she doesn’t miss him because she shouldn’t. But listen to the way she says “Don’t say it wasn’t true, that you were not the monster… that I knew…” and then it sounds like she’s crying. and she ends with “and my world has gone dark…” and doesn’t finish like she usually does. The purpose of this song is to show that despite everything her brother did, despite the pain and fear he caused her, she still misses him. This whole song is her finding reasons not to hurt, not to grieve, to not feel because why should she miss him? He was terrible to her.But she realised that she misses him because that was her brother. Maybe he ripped the heads off her Barbies, but he still played general and soldier with her while their parents fought. He still picked her a flower and said ‘it’s missing a petal, just like you’re missing a few screws upstairs’, yet the flower was beautiful.He was her first friend. And she loved him and she hates herself for it. That’s the beauty of this song. It shows Zoe’s true persona. A broken, grieving girl who lost her big brother. The first stages of grief, of course, are denial and anger.”

“I thought that Connor and Zoe were close as kids tho? Like, from what was said in the dialogue, plus how Zoe says "you've given me my brother back " it seems more like at some point Connor started struggling a lot with his mental illnesses and stuff and everything went downhill and no one in  the family really knew how to deal with it. So yes, Connor abused his sister with his outbursts and stuff, but their parents never fully committed to helping Connor get the treatment he needed, especially Larry, who used to say that Connor was just 'pretending for attention' and stuff, and during the time that we got to see Zoe interact with Connor at the start of the musical, she seemed to be teasing him a lot and stuff, which, I guess is fair, but it still makes me think about how their parents' careless attitude towards Connor might have rubbed off on her as well in some way, and, well, I'm just saying that it wasn't all Connor's fault. It was the whole family who was messed up, some more and some less, but they all could have handled it all better nonetheless.Edit: oh, also, the removed songs from the musical described how Connor used to be happy as a kid, and how he liked to tell jokes a lot and stuff, so yey, more evidence that Connor isn't an entirely bad person I guess :'>”

“All my hope is pinned on Zoe. That scene gets me every single time I watch this animation. She’s feeling the guilt of hating Connor, and she reads the note fully believing that Connor loved her deep down (He could’ve, but Zoe doesn’t think he did at all, and this note made her think again), and she also is realizing she’ll never be able to forgive him for what he did.”