#I am. So damn tired I literally spent all day doing that thing for the proyect

[exile-arc]

.

[bellflower-goat]

eepy

[eringobragh420]

🖤 Pairing: Damian Priest x f!Reader 🖤 Summary: Damian’s girlfriend and Rhea have a deep hatred for one another, leaving Damian in the middle to referee. 🛑 Warnings: NSFW. Overstimulation, unprotected p in v, cum 18+ 🖤 Notes: Spanish translations are at the end of the story. I do not speak Spanish, so if anything is incorrect, please let me know and I’ll fix it! Thank you so much to @miss-kuki-nz for being my muse 🖤 Taglist: In the comments. If you’d like to be added, please click here! 🖤 Requested By: @twistedprincess-92. Hope you enjoy! 🖤 MASTERLIST

“I am so tired of this bullshit,” Damian complained, unlocking the front door to his and his girlfriend’s home. He shoved it open, and no matter how angry he was, the man never forgot his manners, so he motioned for the tiny woman beside him to enter ahead of him.

Had she not been absolutely livid at the moment, she’d have swooned, as she was prone to doing, but as the situation stood, there would definitely be no swooning this time. “You and me both, babe,” she hissed as she passed him.

Damian slammed the door and locked it before stomping after her into the living room. He watched as she kicked her heels off and doffed her leather jacket, tossing it carelessly to the couch. She crossed her arms, and he knew it was going to be a long night. “You’re acting like you’re the one that should be mad right now,” he said, motioning in her direction.

“Are you saying I’m not?” she asked evenly, brows in her hairline, and it was that perfectly held-together tone that gave Damian an ominous chill down his spine.

“Yeah, I’m saying you’re not. I’m the one that has to referee his girlfriend and his best friend every damn time we go out somewhere.”

“Oh, poor you,” his girlfriend spat. “At least you’re not the one getting called a golddigger!”

“She did not call you a golddigger.”

“Wait, no, you’re right. What she said was you’re just like all the rest. Like the girl you dated before me who spent all your money.”

“She’s just looking out for me.”

“Well, Damian, which is it? Did she not say it or is she protecting a six-foot-five grown ass man who can take care of himself?”

Damian’s hands came to his head but they dropped quickly. “You both literally want the same thing. I don’t understand any of this.”

“Maybe we do want the same thing, but she’s the one being a bitch about it.”

“Oh, great. Next you’re gonna tell me she’s the one that started it.”

“Actually, she did.”

Damian’s eyes went to the ceiling. He couldn’t believe they were having this argument again. It had been almost a year since he’d introduced the love of his life to his best friend, and ever since that day, he hadn’t had a moment’s peace. Maybe the two women were simply too alike and would consequently never get along. So where did that leave him? He refused to choose between them, and he refused to allow them to bully him into choosing between them. Had they reached an impasse? Was this just supposed to be his life now? And when the couple inevitably got married, was Rhea not going to be invited?

“And what if I just say I’m done with it?” he suddenly asked, turning his head to look at his girlfriend.

She stared at him. “What does that mean?”

Damian sighed. “Never mind.”

“You wanna be done with me?”

“I didn’t say—“

“The hell you didn’t. I’m not in Rhea’s cool book, so you’re just gonna toss me aside?”

“You’re not lis—”

“Fuck you, Damian.”

His brows rose and he nodded. “Fuck me?”

“Fuck you.”

She stomped past him, glaring the whole way, and it was clear she didn’t want to be followed, nor did he particularly want to follow her. He knew the door slam was coming, but he still jumped just the same as he removed his jacket, dropping it over the back of the couch before he fell onto the cushions with a heavy sigh. He scrubbed his hands over his face, grabbed the remote, and turned on the television knowing full well he wasn’t interested in watching anything.

He was all threats, and she knew it. He wasn’t going to break up with her, and he wasn’t going to sever ties with Rhea, either. He would live with it, he supposed, like he had been, spending the rest of his life hoping things would change. In the meantime, he’d have to keep them separated. Like children.

“Damian?”

Damian stirred, clearing his throat, and his eyes slowly blinked open. He must have fallen asleep at some point as he was now prone on the couch, one boot on the cushion, the other on the floor. Had he heard his name in a dream? He sat up, yawning, and arched his back to work out the kinks.

“Papí?” his girlfriend called again from upstairs.

“Yeah, babe?” he replied, looking over his shoulder toward the staircase.

“Will you please come to bed?”

He smirked. Yeah, he was gonna live with it. He loved her too damn much. “I’m on my way.” He pulled his phone from his pocket to check the time, discovering a message from Rhea.

I love you, twin. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.

Damian’s smile only grew and his heart swelled, but then realized his girlfriend hadn’t been the first one to apologize. Did that bother him? Did it really matter? He could build on this. Light at the end of the tunnel. He turned the TV off before climbing the stairs and made his way down the corridor toward their bedroom. The door was open and the lights were off save for the nightlight near the bed on her side—she’d never admitted to it, but she had at least a slight fear of the dark. She was in bed, under the blankets, facing him, the azure hue from the nightlight painting her face in blues and shadows. Damian took his clothes off and crawled under the blankets behind her, pulling her naked body to his. That distended heart of his promised to pop, as his girlfriend cuddled back into him, rubbing her ass against his cock, moaning when his arms wrapped around her.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she mumbled. “You’re right. I’ve been a jerk. Rhea and I can figure this out.”

Damian’s grin could have lit up the entire room. They are just alike. He kissed her neck softly, attacking her spots as his hand drifted along her body. She squirmed when he cupped her breast, rocking her hips against his. “I know you will,” he growled, omitting the text from Rhea. “Because you’re wonderful.” He pinched an already hard nipple, ripping a groan from deep in her throat. “And you’re perfect.” His stiffening cock thrust against the crack of her ass, and she reached back to clutch his hip over the blankets. “And you’re so fucking sexy.”

She giggled. “You sweet-talker.”

“Mhmmm,” Damian mumbled, nibbling on her earlobe. His warm hand slid from her breast, the pads of his fingers skating along her abdomen, and she lifted her leg so those fingers could slip into her dampening pussy.

“Fuck,” she whined, tightening her thighs around his hand as she rode his digits. “Shouldn’t this be the other way around?” she breathed. “I’m the one that screwed up.”

“That makes me right,” Damian boasted, “which means I get what I want. And this is what I want.” His middle finger slid inside her, her hips bucking to accept and bring him deeper. “I’m gonna make you cum at least three times before I even fuck that pussy.”

And he made good on his word, working her over with his fingers until she was trembling beside him not once, not twice, but three times, and by the third time, his girlfriend was a sobbing, quivering, begging-for-mercy mess. She almost protested when Damian began to slide his stiff manhood inside her, and maybe she did a little, but her objection was weak and unconvincing. His hand on her thigh lifted her leg in the air, she pivoted her hips, and her pussy sucked him deeper within her, Damian groaning.

“God, I can’t,” she all but wept, “I can’t, I can’t.” She repeated the words in time with Damian’s pumps, and he nuzzled her neck with tender kisses.

“Yes, you can,” Damian panted. “You’re doing so good. You can take just a little bit more.” He placed her leg gently on top of its twin, tightening her already impossibly tight cunt, and he squeezed her hip before thrusting into her. “That’s it,” he whispered, watching with wild eyes as his girlfriend fisted the sheets and bit down on the pillowcase, “take it for Papí.”

His girlfriend lurched, strangled sounds escaping her lips as her pussy pulsed around him. And that was enough to send Damian over the edge. He pressed his face to her hair and emptied himself inside her, his hips stuttering, pounding, pausing, thrusting again. After several moments, he tried to pull out, but she grabbed hold of him anyway she could, and that’s where he stayed.

“Don’t even think about moving for at least the next five to seven hours.”

Damian chuckled. “Little sensitive?”

His girlfriend scoffed. “You would be too if you just came three times in a row.”

“Oh, you didn’t cum while we were fucking? Let me fix that.”

Her grip on him tightened. “Don’t even think about it. I swear, I don’t even know what Rhea and I are fighting about. I’m the one that needs protection from you.”

Damian laughed again. “I love you, mi vida.”

“I love you … jerk.” 🎀 Papí - Daddy 🎀 Mi vida - My life

[forever-rogue]

Okay but imagine when (nurse!steve) reader gives birth and literally all of the nurses are so excited because todays the day!!!!

It's a long and painful labour but once the baby girl's here and checked over and the two of you have spent some time bonding with her - reader rolls her eyes and says "go on, go show her off" and steve whispers that they'll be right back and he cradles baby against his chest, carrying her out to his ward with hot tears rolling down his cheeks.

Literally all of the nurses gush over her and it distrupts the entire hospital, everyone wanting to get a glimps of Baby Harrington. Steve cries the whole time and just can't believe how lucky he is.

AN | Nurse Steve finally getting to meet his baby girl and getting to show her off! What a dream, I am so soft 🥺

Warnings | Mild Language, Nondescript mentions of labor/delivery

Pairing | Nurse!Steve x Fem!Reader

Word Count | 2.4k

Masterlist | Steve, Main, Nurse Steve

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Steve thought he’d prepared for this moment. Really, he’d done a lot of reading, research, and mental preparation. He’d been in on several emergency births and c-sections, and was sure he had seen it all. 

But it all was so incredibly different when it was his wife in labor, when it was his baby girl being born. 

It was like everything in his mind had flown out the window and he was learning everything for the first time. All he could do now was to hope he was being a good and supportive husband.

“You are never touching me again.”

Okay, maybe he could do a better job. Or maybe it was the fact that you’d been in labor for several hours and seemed to be in a lot of pain and stress. Understandably, of course.

“You’re doing so well, angel,” he was sitting at your side and holding your hand, wishing there was something he could, “you’re almost there - she’s almost here.”

“Steven,” you turned your head to look at him, a pathetic little expression, “I don’t want to do this - I can’t do this. I’m not ready for her.”

“You can do this,” he insisted softly, “I have no doubt about that.”

“I can’t be a mom,” you ran a hand over your tired face, grimacing as another contraction came on, “I’m scared.”

“I know it’s scary,” he cooed as he touched your face, gently stroking your cheek, “and we’ll fuck it up along the way but that’s okay. None of that matter because we’ll always try and there will always be love.”

“Do you think she’ll like us?”

“She’ll love us,” he assured you as you smiled softly, “you’re going to be the best mom.”

“And you’re already the best dad,” you squeezed his hand particularly harshly and he tried to keep his expression neutral, “Stevie, I-”

“Alright,” you found the doctor looking at you with excited eyes, “time to start pushing!”

“Stevie?”

“You’ve got this, angel,” maybe he was right…maybe you could do this, “it’ll all be over soon.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

And….that turned out to be a lie. Not by choice, but circumstances. Life happens. 

Once you started pushing, you had a nagging feeling in your gut. And yeah, it was several hours and a lot of pushing and tears and pain later before you finally got to meet your baby girl.

But as soon as you laid your eyes on her, it was all worth it. All the months of morning sickness, back pain, heartburn, shortness of breath, and lack of sleep were worth it. You fell in love all over again as soon as you got to hold the little blob of a grumpy looking potato that was placed in your arms. All things considered, she was pretty damn cute in your little pink hat and blanket. 

“Look at her,” you were exhausted and wanted to do nothing more than to try and get a few hours of sleep. You knew that your sleep schedule wasn’t going to be consistent anymore, not for some time anyway, “we made her. She’s all ours.”

“Our Camila,” his eyes were puffy and red-rimmed and he looked just as exhausted as you. He’d been a wreck since he realized you were in labor and as soon as he’d laid eyes on her he was a goner. He reached over and gently touched her chubby, splotchy little cheek, “she’s perfect.”

“She is,” you leaned into Steve’s touch when you felt him wipe away your tears, “I hope that she knows we’ll always love and try to do right by her.”

“She will, she’s going to be so spoiled with love,”  you couldn’t even imagine all the excitement that was going to overwhelm once she was at home. You knew that everyone was waiting to meet her. Steve, naturally, had called everyone (you swore it could have been everyone he’d ever met) once you got to the hospital. And of course, his coworkers and half the hospital were eagerly waiting for the good news and to see the new addition to the family, “she’s going to have everyone wrapped around her little finger.”

“She’s already got you,” you teased, but it wasn't denying anything.

“So does her mother,” the way you beamed at him made him practically melt, “I love you. So much.”

“I love you too,” you whispered back, “so, so much.”

You laid back in the uncomfy, hard bed already dreaming of going back to your own bed. You watched as Steve looked at Cami, clearly trying to memorize every detail about her. She was still in your arms but as you leaned back you angled her towards him, “go on.”

“Hmm?” he raised his eyebrows but eagerly took her from your arms, holding her securely against his chest. He’d practiced this and readied him for this moment, but he still grew nervous. He was holding her like she was made of glass, “do you want to get some rest, angel?”

“I do,” you admitted, “but I also know you, my love. Go on and take her. Show her off to everyone.”

“A-are you sure?” there was a spark in his eye and you nodded. If there was anyone you trusted, it was him. Plus, you couldn’t lie, you kind of wanted him to show her off, “I don’t want to take her if you’re not comfortable with it.”

“I’m sure,” you promised, “go and gloat about Baby Harrington. I know they’re dying to see her just as much as you’re dying to show her off.”

“I won’t be gone too long,” he leaned over and pressed a kiss to your forehead, “I’ll be extra careful with Blob - Cami!”

“HA!” you grinned through a yawn, “I told you it would stick. Cami the Blob. I love it, it’s perfect.”

“We’re not…fine,” he laughed softly as Cami made a few small sounds as if she was trying to make her opinion known, “oh Cami girl, I’m afraid your nickname will also forever be Blob. Until your sibling comes along and then they can be Blob.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m doing this again,” you snorted in amusement, “and even bolder to assume they would also look like a blob! Maybe they’d be scrunkly or something!”

“I’m not even going to pretend I have any clue what you just said,” he pecked your lips a few times, “get some rest, mama. We’ll be back soon.”

“Love you both,” your eyes were already closing as you watched him leave the room. You loved them both terribly…but you were ready for a little rest before the chaos truly started.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Steve practically had a spring in his step as he walked out of the room with his daughter - his daughter! - and went to look around for his fellow nurses. As soon as he’d stepped foot out the door, he was stopped by one of the doctors. By now everyone had heard about the arrival of Baby Harrington and everyone was eager for a look at her. 

“She’s beautiful,” the doctor was on her way to another room but took a few moments to stop and admire the baby. Steve felt every bit the proud father, “well done to both of you, but mainly your wife!”

“She did do all the hard work,” he agreed softly with a wink, “but I’ll let her know.”

Before going downstairs to the ER, where he knew his partner was working, he popped his head into the breakroom, finding curious eyes on him, “I’ve got a little visitor!”

They all gathered around him, quietly and leaving some room so they wouldn’t disturb the sleeping baby. How she managed to still be asleep was besides him. They call cooed over her, throwing in their well wishes and congratulations. Everyone loved Steve - he was a likable guy after all - and naturally they loved anyone associated with him. 

This kid was to be a little star at the hospital. Then again, people were still in love with how the two of you had met there; all because of a silly broken ankle. It was the best injury of your life, despite the mess it created. It had given you the best thing in your life and together the two of you had created the next best thing. 

Once he made it out of the breakroom, he made his way downstairs to where he knew his partner would be. If there was anyone he wanted to share this moment with, it was her.

Luckily, he didn’t have to go far. Word had already gotten to his fellow nurse and she caught him just as he came back into the hallway. Her entire face lit up as she took in the small, soft looking bundle in his arms.

“Is that who I think it is?” she asked softly as Steve eagerly nodded. She wanted to squeeze him in a big hug, but didn’t want to crush the baby either. Instead, she gently peeked at the sleeping baby and made a quiet sound of delight, “Steve! She’s beautiful.”

“Thanks,” he grinned at her, his heart full to bursting, “I have to admit, I’m pretty scared right now. I don’t wanna mess up this whole dad thing.”

“Steve,��� she touched his cheek, her tone melting into the sweetness she often reserved for him, “I’ve watched you grow from a brand new wide-eyed nurse into the wonderful husband - and father - you are now. You have such a good heart, and you’re a good kid. You’re going to screw it up sometimes, trust me when I say we all do, but if there’s anyone that’s going to do this thing right, it’s you. And you know that if you need anything, you’ve got plenty of people that are willing to help. You know you can call me day or night, anytime for anything.”

“Thank you,” he was teary eyed for what felt like the hundredth time that day as he managed to give her a side hug, “you’re amazing, Brenda. I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“We certainly wouldn’t be here right now,” she teased; she was the one that had finally convinced Steve to ask you out, despite his initial hesitation with the whole patient-caretaker thing. But she was right - if he hadn’t listened to her, none of this would have been possible, “tell you what, try and get some rest while you’re still here and one of the other nurses will look after her. The two of you are in for quite a change.”

“Another good idea,” he snickered, “among your many.”

“I know,” she winked at him before stealing a last look at the baby that had already won over so many hearts, “tell your wonderful wife I say hello and congratulations. When you get settled at home, let me know and I’ll bring over some food. Cooking is going to be the last thing on your mind.”

“I will.”

“Promise?”

“Pinky,” he grinned. 

He was still scared and worried, but somehow he knew that this would all be okay. He’d always wanted to be a father, and now he was. What a world, a wonderful, weird world.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It was a few days later when you were finally home and had started to settle into a routine. As much of a routine that a newborn allowed for that was. 

It was a wonderful strangeness that having a baby brought into your home. It was no longer a quiet, pristine place, but a perfectly chaotic house. You liked it; it felt like things were falling into place as they were meant to.

And Steve, wonderful amazing Steve, made everything so much better. He was definitely hands on and helped with Camila just as much as you did. He claimed that you did all the hard work and she was the result of both of you not just one of you, so why would you do everything. He was definitely the opposite of a lot of fathers, but then again, you’d always known he was special and that you were lucky. There was still a lot to learn and navigate but you had no doubt that the two of you would figure it out. 

You came back from the bathroom after taking a much needed shower and padded into the bedroom, ready to catch a bit of sleep for however long you were able to. You found Steve in bed, Cami curled up on his chest as he stroked her back gently. She was asleep, and he was getting there too. 

“Hey,” you whispered as he looked over and gave you a sleepy smile. He still managed to look at you as though you’d hung the moon and all the stairs. You crawled into bed next to him, curling into his side, “you got her to sleep!”

“Didn’t take much this time,” he admitted with a small laugh, “gave her some milk and down she went.” 

“I’m ready for a nap too,” you yawned, “I think we all are. I can put her in the bassinet?”

“Nah,” she shook his head gently, “she’s okay right here. I’ll be careful…you get some sleep and we can trade off later on.”

“Are you sure, love?” you peeked an eye at him, but he just nodded, “you can take a nap first-”

“I’m sure,” he reached over and touched your cheek gently before kissing your forehead, “you need some rest, mama. I’ll probably just read for a bit.”

“Will you read to me?” you asked softly as he beamed at you, your own personal ray of sunshine, “just until I fall asleep. I won’t sleep for too long.”

“You’ll sleep for however long you need,” he insisted sweetly, “but of course, I’ll always read to you.”

“You’re the best,” your eyes were already closed and you knew that it wasn’t going to be long until you were asleep, “I love you so much, Stevie. And you too, Cami girl.”

“I love you too,” he grabbed his book and started to read out loud softly, so he wouldn’t disturb either of his girls. 

It wasn’t more than a few minutes before he read you snoring softly, along with Cami’s deep breaths.

Yeah, this wasn’t so bad after all. 

Steve had his girls and all the love in the world.

[whrthewindgoes]

Here is the next chapter to Third Wheel. I’m sorry this took so long to get out but I’ve literally been in my head about posting it 😑 Also sorry if there is are any grammar mistakes or typos I am way too tired to recheck it! But I hope y’all enjoy 🥰

Third Wheel

Series Summary: After a terrible break up with your boyfriend of 5 years, you plan a long visit to Cincinnati to visit your cousin Ja’Marr. This was meant to be a time to catch up and make up for lost time, but no one could predict you’d fall in love with his long time friend and teammate.

Chapter Summary: You’ve made yourself comfortable in your new space for the foreseeable future, now it’s time to spend some much needed time with your cousin Ja’Marr.

Series Warnings: Angst, mentions of anxiety, mentions of cheating, fluff, smut, alcohol, weed (that’s all I can think of right now!)

Chapter Warnings: Angst and anxiety

How did I get here?

You spent the remainder of your first day in Ohio unpacking and making yourself comfortable in your new surroundings. You really didn’t want to do much the first couple of days there, the long travel and flight delays were enough to deplete your energy for the entire weekend. You did however make sure to check in with your parents once you got settled, as you knew they were worried about you. You sent them a text as soon as you landed, but you knew they’d want to hear your voice rather sooner than later. “So yeah, I made it safely despite getting here an entire 8 hours later than I planned.” You were on the phone chatting with your mom while you looked through the spacious walk in closet. It was Sunday night, and you and Ja’Marr made plans to hang out together the following Monday. You had taken the entire week off of work to allow yourself to get acquainted in Ohio, so you were looking forward to some much needed time off with your cousin. You reached into one of the many drawers located in the closet, pulling out a bright pink workout ensemble— a solid pink sports bra with matching seamless tights. “I can wear this with my black jacket.” You mumbled quietly to yourself, forgetting for a moment during the silence that your mother was still on the phone line. “Are you and Ja’Marr going out tonight? Are you picking out something to wear?” Your mom sounded almost a little too eager to hear whether you had plans or not. “We have plans to start tomorrow’s day with a run, and after that we’re going to hang out and see where the day takes us.” You said, folding the outfit neatly and placing it on top of the dresser as you shut the closet door. “A run huh? I remember we couldn’t pay you guys to leave the track when you were back in high school. Remind me again why you ever quit the track team?” You rolled your eyes, not wanting to indulge your mom in this conversation again for what felt like the millionth time. You ran track in high school and you were pretty damn good at it, but an ankle injury kept you from wanting to pursue it longer. You felt like you lost too much time after the injury, and that you were just never good enough. Your parents made sure to remind you of what could have been, even though you really only ever wanted to do it for fun in the first place. “Mom, how many times do I have to say that was the past. Besides, I never wanted track and field to be my entire life. That was a you and dad thing, remember?” You said firmly, reminding your mom of the boundaries you set on this topic previously. “If you say so, K. I just know you would’ve an olympic star had you kept at it.” Your mom was the only one who referred to you as K, and you knew she only used that nickname when she wanted downplay the conversation, or when she disagreed with what you were saying. This was enough to slightly annoy you, and so you hurried to make an excuse to get off the phone in order to avoid any more unnecessary comments from her. “Okay mom, I have to go. I really need to be well rested because you know Ja’Marr, he doesn’t play about his early morning work outs.” “Okay sweetie, I’ll talk to you soon. Let me know how everything goes tomorrow! Love you!” Your mom sounded completely oblivious to the fact that you were slightly annoyed. “Goodnight mom, I’ll tell you all about it of course. Love you too!” You said hanging up quickly. You sighed and sat the phone on the bed, allowing your body to follow suit shortly after. You put your face in your palms and shook your head left to right. “How the hell did I end up here?” You said quietly, running your fingers along your eyebrows simultaneously. You pulled your journal out of the nightstand next to the bed, writing down your thoughts from the last couple of days before turning off the lamp and passing out for the night.

After sleeping for what seemed like 5 minutes, you involuntarily opened your eyes—the bright sun illuminating the entire bedroom. You rub your eyes and allow them to come into focus, spotting Ja’Marr in the corner continuing to pull the curtains open. “Ja’Marr, what the fuck?! What fucking time is it?” You sit up in the bed, placing your right hand over your eyes while your elbow rests on your thigh. You could barely fathom what day it was, let alone why anyone would want to be up as early as it seemed to be. “It’s 6am, sunshine. Let’s go, when I said morning work out I meant morning. Get up! Ja’Marr scoffed, not one bit phased by the fact that he woke you up out of a deep ass sleep. “Yeah and when I agreed to visit, I didn’t think I was signing up for bootcamp! Who the fuck wakes up THIS early to work out?! It’s off season for you!” You glanced at your phone on the nightstand, rolling your eyes when you noticed the clock said 6:09am. “I don’t even think the birds are up this early bro.” You scoffed, dragging one leg around the edge of the bed, hesitant to do the same with the other leg as you wanted to stay cozy in the bed. “Yeah, well I need all the conditioning I can get. I can never be too ready for the start of the season. Hurry up will you?” You glared at him as he started to leave the room to allow you to get ready. “Remind me again why I came here?!” You said raising your voice just enough so he could hear you. You went into the bathroom and got yourself ready for the morning. You tied your hair in a high pony tail with a braid, knowing any other style would just sweat out from running. When you were all dressed, you sat on the edge of the bed lacing up your nikes, grabbing your earbuds and phone from the nightstand before heading out of the bedroom.

You quickly made your way around the house, pacing to the kitchen to grab something to drink. Upon entering, you noticed 2 frosty glasses on the kitchen counter. Ja’Marr entered from around the corner, “I made protein smoothies, can’t run on an empty stomach.” You shot an excited look at him in agreement, making your way over to the counter to take a sip. Your face changed quickly after you tasted the drink, turning your lips up and holding the glass in front of you while looking at it in suspense. “Oh my god, ugh! What the hell is in this?!” You asked Ja’Marr. “What you mean? It’s good, just drink it so we can be on our way!” You plugged your nose and chugged down the rest, making giving a disgusted look at both the texture and the taste. “Yeah okay, tastes like straight up ass if you ask me!” “Yeah you would know exactly what that tastes like huh?” Ja’Marr said laughing, heading toward the front door.

The two of you began by stretching, you paying extra attention to your stretches since it had been quite some time since you had a been on a run. You always kept up with working out, but running was just a different beast for you. You both started the run out steadily paced, Ja’Marr making sure not to have you bite off more than you could chew too quickly. You came up on a short hill, you silently cursing yourself for ever agreeing to this in the first place. “Shit.” You mumbled to yourself, trying your best to keep up with Ja’Marr as he made running up the short hill look extremely easy. You noticed your heart rate increasing, your apple watch alerting you as you reach the peak of the hill. You tried to ignore it, however you could literally hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears. You quickly removed your earbuds, stopping in your tracks as Ja’Marr paced on. You bent over forward placing your hands on your knees, breathing heavily, your heart rate showing no signs of slowing. You closed your eyes and took an intentional breath, noticing a hand on your back once you let the breath out. “What’s going on? You need a break?” Ja’Marr asked, sounding sincerely concerned. “I don’t know…I just. I think it’s too much.” Ja’Marr gave you a look as if a lightbulb went off in his head, realizing this was probably the first time you had been on a run since your high school track days. He knew how much pressure your parents put on you to succeed, essentially sucking the fun out of the task at hand. “Hey, this is just for fun. No pressure, no strings. Just go at your own pace, don’t worry about all the other bullshit.” You took a couple more deep breaths, remembering how much you used to love running before your injury. You took a few more moments to catch your breath and calm down. You gave a slight smile and nodded in agreement, slowing leaning back into the run to not overwhelm yourself. After about an hour of what seemed like torture with the sun beaming on your bodies, both of you decide to head back toward the house.

There was noticeable silence as you both tried to catch your breath and cool down. “What happened back there?” Ja’Marr spoke quietly, breaking the silence between you two. You sighed before replying, “I think I just got in my head too much. My mom brought up the whole track thing last night, and all of a sudden I remembered what she said as I was running and it just triggered me I guess.” Ja’Marr shot you a sympathetic look, “I never understood why Rob and Elaine put so much pressure on you. You don’t have to do everything damn near perfect.” he said. “Ha! Tell them that. Sometimes I almost wish I had a sibling to take some of the pressure off me.” You replied to him, stopping in your tracks as you heard your phone chime with your watch simultaneously. You pulled out your phone and instantly smiled when you saw the name on the screen, one of your longtime friends Jessica had sent you a text. “How is Ohio treating you so far? Call me tonight and tell me all about it!” You thought about sending a long winded text to unpack everything that has gone down so far, including the unnecessary comments from your mother. However, you were exhausted from the run and desperately needed food and to rest, so you decided to keep it short and sweet. “Everything is great so far, different than being home for sure. Text me when you’re home from work later and we can facetime!” You replied to Jessica, including a simple heart emoji to follow up. You and Jessica had become close during your sophomore year in high school, and while you both went to different colleges, you managed to maintain your close relationship. Jessica was one of those friends you could go days without talking to, and then pick up where you left off like nothing happened. She was one of the only close friends that you felt you really had left after breaking up with your ex. Unfortunately a lot of the friends you acquired during college were friends that Sean (your ex) introduced you to. It was simply too awkward to keep things going with these friends after the break up, and quite frankly the basic nature of the friendships just simply weren’t worth the trouble. It was fun while it lasted, but you craved more genuine friendships with people whom you felt like you could be yourself around. Being around Sean’s friends always felt like added pressure, and you never really realized it until everything was over.

You and Ja’Marr finally made it back to the house, and you could not wait to shower and eat something, considering the only thing you consumed this morning was the disgusting smoothie he made. You were headed back to your room when he stopped you and asked, “Let’s go to brunch or something, like old times? I’m starving and I know you are too, since you were hating on my smoothie earlier.” Your eyes lit up, “You read my mind, I am literally dying for food. Let me take a quick shower and I’ll be ready in 20!” He nodded and walked the opposite way. You walked back to your room swiftly, desperate to get out of your sweaty clothes and get ready to head out. After quickly showering and picking out a cute pair of high waisted jeans with a baby blue crop top, you headed into the closet to pick out a pair of shoes. You hadn’t gotten the rest of your things shipped from your parents just yet, so you only had a few options. You brought just enough shoes that you could match up with just about anything, so you settled for your white high top converse. Your fitted jeans accentuated the curves on your body, your skin just slightly peeking through your crop top. You did a once over to check your outfit in the mirror, before undoing the braided ponytail in your hair and fluffing out your soft curls. You gave your roots a quick tease to add volume, put on some shiny pink lip gloss and grabbed your purse and phone to head out to the living area to see if Ja’Marr was ready. Upon walking near the living room, you see him leaning against the wall as if he had been waiting there for quite some time. “You know, after so many years I forgot that 20 minutes to you is actually an hour!” He teased. “Oh come on, it was no where near an hour! More like 45 minutes!” You laughed, admitting that you took way longer than you expected. “Same difference, let’s go before you take even more time and we end up having to skip to dinner.”

You both headed out and took a quick car ride downtown. It dawned on you that you hadn’t even bothered to ask him where you were going, as you were starving and could honestly eat anything at that point. You ended up at a local spot that was very small and quaint. Obviously Ja’Marr was well known so you knew he wouldn’t want to go anywhere too public, so this place was perfect as it was a weekday morning and wasn’t crowded at all. You both ordered brunch and sat talking for over an hour, both enjoying each others’ conversation and catching up. “You know, it’s so weird because I feel like everything is coming full circle.” You said, putting the cup of coffee you were nearly finished with down on the table in front of you. “You always had this dream of being an athlete, and I had no doubt you could do it. It’s just so crazy that it’s actually happened! To me you’re still just the same ol’ Ja’Marr that I grew up with. Goofy, annoying as hell, and funny!” You said giggling. “Chill with the insults okay, you’ve only been here a couple days and already with the name calling.” He laughed along with you. “But yeah, it’s definitely a night and day difference from how my life used to be. I’m just glad I can take care of the people I care about now.” You replied with a smile, glancing up when you noticed the waitress coming by the table to give you guys the bill. You barely had time to reach into your bag before he interrupted— “Absolutely not! I got it Kenz.” He said removing his wallet from his pocket, placing his card on top of the bill. “I wouldn’t let you pay for stuff when I was broke, so why would I let you pay now?” He said, giving you a puzzled look. “I mean I don’t know, I’m only an adult and I can pay for myself?” You said back sarcastically. “But thank you for brunch, if I haven’t said it already I really appreciate everything you’ve already done for me in such a short amount of time.” He smile and nodded, “It’s really nothing, you know I’d do anything for you!”. Once the bill was paid, you both headed back to the car, chatting it up on the way there. “So, I know it’s still early in the week, but I was thinking maybe we can have a bbq with some of my teammates at the house this weekend? A lot of them are coupled up, it’ll give you a chance to meet some of their girls.” You didn’t think twice about it, “That was seriously be so fun. I’m dying to meet the people you’ve been spending all your time with! Plus, I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve done anything in a social setting that didn’t involve my parents.” You joked. “Good, I’ll set it up for this weekend then. I’ll get the guys on board and let you know once I have all the details.” You were low key excited, you were a planner deep down and you loved nothing more than getting together with all of your friends. Although this was going to be with Ja’Marr’s friends, you were eager to meet some other girls that you could possibly spend time with. After all, you didn’t know how long you would be here in Ohio, and you didn’t want to spend all your time being cooped up under Ja’Marr.

It seemed like the rest of the afternoon flew by. You took a long nap once you got home from brunch and woke up to an empty house. Ja’Marr sent you a text letting you know he was going to hang out with his teammate Tee, but he would be back later that night around dinner time. You spent the time alone on your phone, scrolling through social media mindlessly. You looked up at the time and realized it was nearing 5pm, and you were starting to get hungry again. Suddenly, you had a great idea to make dinner for you and Ja’Marr since he was currently out with Tee. You hopped up and strolled to the kitchen, going to see what you could possibly throw together in a short amount of time. After looking through Ja’Marr’s extensive pantry, along with his fridge, you found a few items but nothing that went together. “This kid literally has nothing but protein supplements and junk food. How does he survive off this?” You stared looking into the fridge, trying to come up with options. “Oh! I got it!” You said to yourself, grabbing your phone to place a quick delivery order for groceries. Ja’Marr had a few things you could work with, like rice and a few vegetables. You remembered he loved Asian food, so you decided to whip together a chicken stir fry. You were however missing the main ingredient, chicken, so you had to place a delivery order for that, along with a couple items you needed to make a stir fry sauce. Once the order arrived, you began whipping the meal together, as cooking was one of your favorite things to do. It only took about 30 minutes to cook, and it was perfect timing because you heard the back door opening as soon as you grabbed bowls from the cabinets. “You order takeout?” Ja’Marr said stepping into the kitchen, removing his hat and oversized hoodie. “Um, no. You’re never going to believe this but I….COOKED! You know that thing where you heat up the stove, and chop up ingredients to make a meal? Yeah that!!!” You couldn’t help but laugh at your own sarcasm. You knew he wasn’t a chef by any means, but you thought with him being a big time NFL player that he would at least keep the fridge well stocked. “How do you even survive?!” You asked him as you were placing the stir fry into the bowls. “I order out, it works.” He shrugged. He always had a fast metabolism which you envied. You side eyed him and sat at one of the barstools at the counter, both of you finishing your dinner while chatting about the upcoming bbq. “I’m excited to actually hang out with people my age ya know? I feel like I’ve been stuck with my parents since the whole break up ordeal.” You said getting up from the barstool, taking both your empty plate and Ja’Marr’s to the kitchen sink. “Yeah you never know maybe it’ll give you the chance to make some new long time friends. Especially since you don’t really have a timeline on how long you wanna stay and all.” You nodded in agreement, quickly tidying up the kitchen and excusing yourself to go call your friend Jessica as you both promised to talk this evening. You thanked Ja’Marr again for brunch earlier that day, and for spending time at dinner with you. It was such a small gesture, but it meant so much to be able to have a conversation with someone that was about something other than your ex. You felt like it was all your parents ever brought up, and although you and Jessica were close, she still didn’t know the full picture of what happened between you and Sean.

You entered your room and took a seat on the bench, putting your legs up to your chest to cozy up before dialing Jess on FaceTime. She quickly answered after just one ring, “MACKENZIE! I feel like it’s been way too long. Tell me everything, how is Ohio so far?! Have you met any cute boys yet?! Are you totally living the lavish lifestyle now?! Don’t forget about us little people!” She fired off, barely giving you 2 seconds to interject her. “Whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves now. I’ve only been here a few days, no I have not met any cute boys. And before you say anything, no Ja’Marr does NOT count” Jess had met Ja’Marr a few times a long time ago, and she kept her innocent crush on him no secret at all. “Okay, no one was even thinking that but I mean since you brought it up…” She giggled in response, covering her hand with her mouth trying to hold back her laugh. “Okay but no seriously,” Jess continued “How are you? Have you talked to your parents at all?” she asked with a slightly concerned look. “I talked with them yesterday, well mainly my mom. And you know how she is, always bringing up the past and insisting on focusing on my wrongdoings. But besides that, things are going really well. I’ve just been trying to get comfortable here, it’s so weird because everything is so different with Ja’Marr from the last time I saw him. I mean I’ve seen him since he’s been in the NFL, but things have definitely blown up since then. His house is incredible! I can’t believe it took me this long to come visit.” You said as you let your legs hang off of the bench, coming out of the UGG slippers you were wearing. “Well in your defense, you both had a whole lot going on. I always tell you everything happens for a reason and I think it’s the perfect time for you to be somewhere new, especially at this point in your life.” She gave a comforting smile, appearing to walk into her kitchen and pour a glass of wine. “It look me a long time to get to the point of accepting that I needed a change of scenery, but I’m glad I did. Ja’Marr is even throwing a bbq this weekend so I can meet some of his teammates’ girlfriends.” You stood up from the bench, pacing back and forth as you and Jess continued your chat. “Teammates’ girlfriends huh? What about the teammates?” Jess said with a smirk. “Oh do not start with me Jess, absolutely not!” You laughed, ever since your break up, Jess was trying to throw you at the nearest attractive man she could find for you. “I mean you never know Kenz, I’m just sayin’….you know they say the quickest way to get over one guy is to get undernea—“ You quickly interrupted her before she could finish her sentence “Okayyyy! And on that note I think it’s time for me to get ready for bed. I love you girl! You should seriously come visit me once I get settled.” “Oh I definitely will, I love you too Kenz! Please, call me tomorrow if you’re not too busy?” She said giving you a pouty look. “Of course Jess, goodnight!” You both blew a kiss to each other and hung up the FaceTime call. It was so refreshing to laugh with Jess, she has always lightened the mood even when you felt at your worst. After the call you quickly made yourself comfy in your bed, passing out for the night without a care in your mind.

Hope y’all enjoyed this chapter! Who’s ready for Mackenzie to meet Ja’Marr’s teammates?! 😉 The next chapter hopefully won’t be as long so we can get to the good stuff already!

Taglist: @toterry

[lains-reality]

hey lain! im so sorry if this post is long asf but i just spent like 25+ minutes reading your posts and replies to anons. i (well ego, actually) has spent every day since she learned about non-dualism seeking something that would "click." she was desperately trying to find what she needed to do to realize self, because as much as she told herself in her mind that she understands non-dualism, she really wasn't understanding. so anyway, she basically just had this feeling of "i'm done trying. this is exhausting and i'm so damn tired of this. there's nothing to try. the fact that i desire things and want to understand things etc., is all irrelevant." so with that, she started scrolling thru your posts, reading them fully rather than skimming them (she's lazy and doesn't like reading all the way, she always just skimmed long posts💀💀)

she just wanted the most simplest understanding on what to do and now she knows that it's literally just to stop identifying with ego. so i, my actual self, literally does not need to ask questions. i do not wonder what to do, all thoughts of "what do i have to fix" is ego. i do not have to convince ego that i am not her because... she isn't real and self doesn't think anyway, so anytime i have one of those exhausting mind battles where i think i'm telling ego that everything is fake and an illusion, i just need to remember that both of those thoughts are literally the ego. so feeling like i need to read more information, or i need to convince myself of something, will always be the ego, not ME. ALL THAT I NEED TO DO IS NOT IDENTIFY WITH EGO.

and let me tell you, i paused reading for a sec to "test it" (not necessarily testing anything but i was just getting into the feeling of not identifying) and i genuinely felt the difference. like i felt what i was supposed to, the freedom and desirelessness yk? every thought in my mind, every feeling i had, any desire i was thinking about "getting" i just said quietly said in my head, not me. that's all ego. and i didn't bother convincing or reassuring myself like "see its just ego so relax, okay i don't need to worry. i'm not ego! remember that!" because the only thing that ever needs reassurance is ego, and reassuring her is identifying with her. i didn't bother trying to "believe" anything because i knew anything further was ego. and if i am not ego, it is absolutely pointless to do anything more than just observe the thoughts and let it pass. i'd be holding my own self back from freedom by doing anything more than observing and letting it pass.

basically i just wanted to share that, because i got this giddy and relieving feeling because i know exactly what i need to do. it's not even something i "need to do", it's not a process, it's just a simple look at anything that makes me feel not free or like i'm desiring and thinking "not me, just ego." and moving on! i already feel less stressed because i'm not trying to achieve desires, i don't feel desire, ego does, but i'm not her so i don't have to fix it or remove the desire, i just let it pass on. i feel so relaxed now and just empty (in a good way. i'm emptied of hopelessness, desire, confusion) the "click" ego wanted so bad is basically this. and its so SIMPLE. i know that the habit of identifying is still kinda there for me though, but understanding the simplicity of this now and not feeling the need to search for "what to do" is gonna make it so easy to break the habit once and for all. thank you so much for your posts lain sincerely. i might delete tumblr to avoid the ego's habit of mindlessly opening the app and scrolling for hours cuz she thinks she needs to find the secret krabby patty formula to realizing self but at the same time your page brings such a comforting and safe feeling that i love 💙💙💙

i'm so glad you understand! it's good that you finally practised, you can read everything and get nowhere if you don't take the leap ♡

keep going!

[idontplaytrack]

✧ Flaws

Janis ‘Imi’ike x fem! reader

Warnings: fluff, angst. coarse language, quarrelling. Implied/slightly described messy home life

In which, Janis has always been reader’s source of love and comfort. Through the pretty and the ugly.

“

I’m on the incredi-coaster. Some days I am on the highest of highs, huffing chocolate-chip cookies, and, other days, I liiiterally want to jump right off

”

— Auli'i Cravalho, 2023

I like making myself emotional apparently 😁

“Are you okay?” Gretchen asks in a quiet voice, studying your face closely.

No.

“Yeah.” You shrugged, focusing your eyes on the whiteboard and teacher at the front of the room.

“You alright?” Regina shot you a look, “What’s going on with you? You’re not yapping about like you usually do.”

“No, nothing.” You replied dismissively. Why’d she notice anyway?

“y/n, what…what are you doing? You’ve got the answer wrong.” Cady mentions.

“What?” You snapped out of your trance, shaking your head slightly as though to get rid of the unwanted thoughts. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry- I just-”

Just felt like crying, honestly.

“Maybe you should sit this one out.” Aaron says, “You look a little pale, are you sure—”

“Yeah, why the heck not?” You cut him off, grabbing the dodgeball and then threw it back to him.

Your day was going…alright— arguably.

“y/n, what is going on with you? I literally called for you twice and you just stared at your food.”

“I’m fine. Just tired, Damian.” You plopped the fork back onto the tray.

You spent half your school day without Janis since you both had, essentially- the same classes but at different times. After lunch was art class, where you’d see Janis for the first time since she picked you up from your house. “Hi, baby.” She presses a kiss to your cheek before taking her usual seat in class. You sat down beside her, your mind drifts back to last night’s useless quarrel with your Mom and Dad.

Janis was watching, you could feel it. But you continued looking straight ahead at the front of the room. You couldn’t lose it now, not after you’ve tried so hard to keep it together and you weren’t about to just…give up.

"Okay." Janis' voice pulled you back, "We're ditching, let's go."

"No." "Yes, come on. Before Mr. Riley gets here." She insisted. Next thing you knew, you were being led out of the school by Janis and into her Mom's car. She'd texted her Mom to come and pick the two of you up, and she did. But quickly left the house after you two'd been dropped off to go run errands.

"It happened again, didn't it?" Janis asked knowingly while shutting her door.

You scoffed, avoiding eye contact with her. Janis sat down beside you and carried on speaking, "I told you- you don't have to pretend with me. You do enough of that every fucking day, trying to care for your sisters, your Mom, yourself."

Damn, she really was always listening whenever you'd vented to her.

"I'm sick of it, you know? Have to re-parent myself, gentle parent myself- it's ridiculous. They made me this way and yet I'm the one doing all the work? While whatever's made me like this is still happening?" Your voice quivered, you sniffled, got up and walked to a corner of her room to avoid having her see you like this. Upset, teary, weak.

Janis saw a side of you that everyone else failed to see: the little girl inside you pleading to be loved and cared for instead of being picked on or dismissed. Or having every little flaw of yours scrutinised. Every time after you'd poured your heart out to her, you brushed it off as 'being in a mood'. But she doesn't. Janis knows it means something and has been helping you all this time. To undo the damage that's been done to little you. Janis allowed you to express your emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, anxiety, disgust...all of it. She's never once held you back but instead stayed along side you while you did what you needed in the moment, felt what you needed to feel in the moment. Janis knew every little quirk of yours like the back of own hand, she knew what made you happy, and what made you not so happy. She knew exactly what to do in any given moment which has made you feel like her burden. Which...you'd expressed in passing but she didn't agree. Janis immediately shut you down. But you insisted, saying it wasn't her job to fix you.

"y/n- listen to me. You are right, it's not my job to fix you- to fix any of this. But as your partner and someone who loves you, it is my responsibility to help you grow into a better person- a better version of yourself. You don't realise that so I'm telling you my point of view, okay? You've helped me too, you know that? You've made me less blunt, more patient...things that I weren't before I met you, y/n. It's not just me putting in the effort, you are too. I see how hard you're trying...to break the cycle and that's so important to remember in moments where it doesn't feel like it."

Now was one of those times...but you couldn't fight what you were feeling. Those emotions you've tried so hard to work through were all boiling back up. But still, you bit back those tears. And it physically hurt.

————

The more eager you seemed in avoiding looking at her, the more eager she was in walking up to you to make you took at her in the eye. "Why do you even love me?"

'What the fuck.' Janis thought to herself. That was honestly her first thought and what she wanted to say but she stopped herself, taking a deep breath instead, "You cannot choose who you fall in love with. And I don't have just one reason why. It just feels right, like it's meant to be." Janis slowly walked up to you from behind, "You don't see yourself the way I see you and it hurts me that you hate yourself this much. You're doing the best you can, baby. I see that, but please listen to me now, okay? Let it go, you need to let those tears go. Stop holding it in, it's okay. It's okay to cry."

Oh, what the hell.

You really just let go of the tears you've been swallowing all day long, falling limp in her arms as you choked on a sob. Whatever happened last night was anything but new, but it always upset you and brought you to a shitty place. Eventually, her back hit the wall and you two slid to the floor with you still safely in her embrace. She's witnessed worse, but this doesn't cause her invalidate your emotions. Janis would never do that to you- she never has. Janis loved you - every part of you. It's been clear since day one, nothing fazed her but what you had to go through all your life only angered her, wanting nothing but the best for you.

Janis had days like this too, and you were there for her without a second thought. Nothing mattered more than making sure she knew you were there for her. When you were in her shoes, you do it without even thinking. But whenever you were on the receiving end, you never could take your own advice or words that you so earnestly gave to your girlfriend.

Right now, was one of those days where you felt like jumping right off. Nothing felt worth it, everything you fought and worked for seemed futile. You, felt like shit. But Janis, no- she was a fucking saint, so damn patient and loving and it scared the shit out of you to have seen and experience the stark difference in her personality in public and in the safe walls of home...that side of her was as real as it was a show for self-defence. You never did experience love like this till Janis came into your life. All your life, you learnt that love had to be earned. That love was smashed glasses, broken walls and slamming doors. Absolutely nothing like what you could've imagined it to actually be and it terrified you.

Hurt in private, shine in public. Right?

You stop eventually, feeling nothing left inside of you anymore. It's not like you were a loud crier by any means, but it just went on for several minutes and the more sober you felt, the more you kept thinking that you should just...stop. Even with her whispering words of assurance into your ears over and over, her telling you she loved you.

"Do you wanna stand?" She asks, both her hands cupping your cheeks. You just did, not giving her a verbal response. Sighing, you went into her bathroom to freshen up then changed into a set of clothes that were hers. Wordless. Not another word came out either one of your mouths as all of this was carried out. Because she knew you- that's how you worked. You climbed into her bed, and she does the same, spooning you as you felt yourself relax further under her touch. Your arms rested on hers as you gave her hands a squeeze, hoping she got what you meant. She did, of course she did. She knew what every little gesture meant. Janis could read you like a book.

You two dozed off for a little while, and when you woke up again you were expecting a bitching headache- which did start. But eh, you'd be fine. You felt better after letting yourself feel what you needed to feel. Both of you acknowledge whatever's happened prior to the nap, but moved on with your day focusing on anything but that. That was done. While you were curled up on the couch, Janis threw a frozen pizza into the oven along with the last bit of chicken tenders, she said. Again, you did not say a thing but she knew you were listening. You were the one who requested the pizza after all.

You two've gotten the routine done and that's what mattered on days like these. You knew she loved you and why, but when emotions were running high, a lot of crap tended to be said. A little bit of love, patience and peace went a long way in these times. "Janis." You looked at her, she looked back at you, "Thank you. I love you." "Anytime, baby. I know you do. I love you, too." Janis said back, running a hand through your hair while you had your head in her lap now, "We're doing just fine."

[ghostofasecretary]

feelings sorting

how am i feeling? stressed. numb. overwhelmed. bad.

how does my body feel? floaty, cold, stiff. the floating started *after* i took my emergency anxiety meds, which is. annoying.

ok. put on socks and a jacket; that might start to help.

i haven't watered my plants in three weeks. been longer since i vacuumed, also.

haven't sent an email i need to send or a texted someone back.

i am so, so--i feel like i've just failed and failed and failed, and not just in a general "not getting what i wanted at the times i wanted it" way but in a daily "i haven't been eating food or giving myself tea or keeping my promises to myself that i would *do things to make my life better*" way.

ok. watered the plants.

i keep thinking "i want to give up" and i don't know what i mean by that. what do you mean, you want to give up? i mean i'm tired of picking myself up off the ground over and over again at both literal and metaphorical expense to fling myself at things that don't love me back. i mean i want to go to grad school but i DON'T want to tell my recommenders "haha yeah i got into [extremely prestigious institution] but didn't go because i'm too poor to afford it and too unimpressive to win the lottery that still calls itself merit-based." i mean i don't understand why i'm so tired all the time, and why doing the things i love scares me, and why studying is so hard, and why applying myself is so hard, and i keep sitting still for hours and hours and days and days and my whole WEEK went by and i hardly NOTICED because each day was the same. more or less. somehow.

Thursday feels like it didn't happen.

i don't want to skip poetry this week but i didn't prepare a single thing i was meant to and there's no point to it if i haven't prepared because i don't have the vocab i need to do this shit casually and anyways i'm past the point of doing stuff casually, i'm better at this than i used to be, i'm meant to be better

i'm so tired of myself.

backing out is easy, right? it's meant to be easy? "Hey, So sorry but I didn't make time for this thing that makes my life feel worthwhile this week, this passion project I've spent years on, the thing I feel like actually makes me interesting and knowledgeable enough to justify being a dumbass in other areas"--wow, it's nice to speak freely

i can tell i'm being crazy. i don't care. not saying it will only make me more crazy and less productive/capable of getting what i want/trapped in a cycle of Avoidance for things that Feel Bad.

my jaw's tense, my mouth's burnt, my throat is dry. drink some water. write an email.

i have, in fact, been pretty damn diligent about pursuing my goals for years. let's just--fucking--a bad month does not ruin you. a bad day does not ruin you. it's embarassing not to be prepared! it feels bad! i don't like it! nevertheless if i had the resources to be prepared i would be, and as i am not it is fair to assume i lack the resources, and my priority should be *getting* said resources so i don't *explode and die.* as it were.

placing this much weight upon my academics, on *not looking stupid,* is also very embarassing, but to be cringe is to be human and i'm stuck with myself.

listen. babe. do you think you can do poetry today? no. okay. that's fine. go communicate that like an adult.

(if i'd been that diligent wouldn't it have worked? if i'd been that diligent wouldn't i fucking have my goddamn life in order right now? ...does everyone you know who's worked hard have their just desserts for it, babe? does ANYONE? ask any of your mentors who are winning and they'll tell you it's at least half luck. privilege matters, your work matters, your character matters, and also sometimes people luck out and sometimes they don't.)

god this is excruciating.

EMAIL SENT.

i'm gonna resume this in a bit, i think, but i don't want to lost this so i'm gonna post it

ok. back at it. person texted.

i think the anxiety meds were a good call. talking to myself in public was also a good call. i wish i'd done this earlier but there's many things i might wish different and so instead i'll just be glad to be alive and moving.

i need to eat. and i need to start my grad school apps and email my recommenders politely, with respect and decency, without tearing myself down. firstly because tearing yourself down in front of others puts them in an uncomfortable position, and secondly because if you don't speak of yourself with respect you are doing an unkindness unto yourself.

oh, and i got an email about Job Onboarding. yay. (i have a job now btw, Go Me. that's not nothing. that was a significant source of stress for months and tackling it took a week, two on the outside, and soon i'll be making money and socializing more which is good for the monkey brain and improving my baseline levels of stress.)

plan:

- go to the bathroom oh my god

- eat + do dishes

- ~~account set-up~~

- schedule other job stuff

- vacuum the second half of the room

- grad school list; make/re-activate accounts; make spreadsheet of required docs and list of people to email

- make + eat dinner

- i would LIKE to a) catch up on my cards, b) Knit, and c) listen to my audiobook. and i'd like to do these things on purpose for fun. go me. let's try. if you don't get through all of Grad School List that's okay but PLEASE start in on it

(previously in q: what's up with mystery package from hell (figure out commute during lunch, change list if needed) (actually i do not care) (sent email, no response))

head hurty. back and body aches. how about i make some tea before i finish vacuuming.

update: i did not finish tea before vacuuming. i did not even start tea. things are Off The Floor which is good, but On My Bed which is less good. need to put the vacuum up also. blargh.

mystery mail situation is resolved thanks to the power of emails! huzzah.

3 hours 40 minutes after taking my anxiety meds i feel, uh, A Big Headache. tired in a drained way. i have a few things on my list left (*start* grad school shenanigizing, put up vacuum, make tea, make food (is banana bread + yogurt + fruit + seeds an adequate dinner, who knows not me. probably not given what else i've eaten lately. hush), eat food, Do Relaxation). i feel i have been more effective than i have been at improving my circumstances. i've been meaning to vacuum for actual weeks, and i managed to reorganize my bookshelf and put up some new books that have been languishing on the floor for two weeks in the process. i went through some very annoying job stuff that furthers my goal of making, like, Any Money At All this month! cancelling poetry today was fine actually. all my conversations with people were positive. i am kind of pleased with myself.

i think i may try some grad school bullshit now and THEN do upstairs taskz and then have a chill evening. maybe i will even vidya game, who knows. okay? okay!

evening update: i love approaching baking like it's cooking. instead of using a real recipe i used my two old bananas + 2 remaining carrots + bread like ingredients in quantities approximately similar in ratio and measure both to about three other recipes. it'll be a bit before i know how it tastes as it needs to cool but i'm quite pleased by the appearance, at least!

[andromedasummer]

Over a third of the way through The Whispering Skull heres my current thoughts

- If I were Lockwood and Lucy I would be a little bit mad about George missing the whole "area theyre searching was an execution ground for criminals" thing but also I feel like it's the first clear sign we get that something is off with George. Like hes burnt out. Hes tired. Hes just a teenager. They all are and theyre working adult jobs and literally dont have the capacity or past experience to communicate with one another. Very realistic for teenagers.

- I love Kipps so much I love how full of himself he is I love how pathetic he comes across even when he gets the upper hand I cannot wait to see him and his team get cut down to size.

- That being said I would have thrown down then and there had I been struck with a Mag Flare like that. better ways to go about ghosts, its dangerous as shit, badly damaged L&C's clothes and perfectly shows that the Fitts agency arent really trained in a people-first way. The way they put pressure on their teams to secure a source above all and encourage hostility towards other agents.... Super telling about management and an early warning sign to me. Esp with what we know happens to Ned Shaw (which i'll have a lot to say about later when it happens) and Kat, Bobby and Kipps v trauma.

- I liked Joplin a lot when I read the books as a kid + my reread 2 years back but now... idk. Too reckless, esp with how he treats ghosts when in the company of teenagers and children. Hate how comfortable all the adults in this world are about putting children at risk. They really treat them as a resource or rather than anything else.

- The skull is such a fucking shit stirrer which again makes so much damn sense when you learn hes a teenager whose been stuck with no one to talk to in a jar for like a hundred+ years. Of course you're trying to push apart Lockwood and Lucy. You are a fucked up ex-cultist teenage boy who finally found someone to talk to and are perpetually stuck in your teenage brain and hormones. You are So Jealous.

- Lucy, George and Lockwoods argument about the Georges recklessness and then The Skull seeding distrust again drives home my point about communication but also Christ these kids need more friends. Their entire childhood and teen years are stripped from them. They have no family to talk to or guide them. No non-work friends their age to vent to. Immense trauma and no one to help them through it.

- Jonathan Stroud give me a follow up series following the team in their mid twenties coping with having their lives dedicated to a job they literally cannot do anymore and the repercussions of no education and no safety nets for agents once they reach adulthood. What do they do? Where do they work? Where do they go? How do they afford to live? What happens to agents who only built relationships with coworkers they cant even face because of trauma? Agents disconnected with their families? Nightwatch kids whose education was ruined because their days were spent recovering from their shifts? I need to know.

- Okay back to the book the ghost cult stuff hits so much harder in a post-covid world. I was there getting harassed by anti vaxxers when they invaded parliament for a month and it ended in violence. of course in times of fear people become vulnerable to misinformation. You Are Not Immune To Cults. Or Propaganda. Again, spin-off following the people who try to fight those who profit off of peoples fear and build wealth and followings off of it. Theres so much interesting stuff in this world I want to explore.

- Kipps and Lockwoods teams having to work together bcos of Barnes is so good. I love Kipps team so much I love seeing them

- Kat Godwin is autistic and I know this. Because I am Autistic. Also she comes off as someone who has shut down to everything around her because, again. trauma of her work. at 16 theres no way she hasnt been through something similar to Lucy or Lockwood. I'm sad we see less of her after book three. same with Bobby.

- Now I want to write a hyper empathetic autistic lucy/low empathy autistic kat fic where they both realize they have a lot in common with their Talents and work and bond it doesnt even have to be romantic i just want to see more of Kat

- A LSO i need lucy to have more female friends for the love of god i understand this is your pick me phase of your teens but it makes me so sad to see your internalized misogyny even though it ABSOLUTELY makes sense for her character and is so common for teen girls like her but the way she talks about sensitives and every other female operative she meets. girl. who are you trying to impress rn. you dont need to.

- Ned Shaw getting the shit kicked out of him by Lockwood DESERVED.

- I love this little nightwatch boy who helps the team with all my heart. what is his name. my son. hes such a little cunt.

- FLO TIME FLO TIME i am so excited to see Flo you people DO NOT UNDERSTAND shes so fucking cool mudlarkers are so fucking cool fuck you if you hate flo this is a flo bones appreciation zone

- obligatory "i miss holly" comment even though. she hasnt been introduced yet and wont be until the next book. i love gay people okay.

- Anyway I'm enjoying this a lot I said TWS isnt my fav book (mostly the stuff later on in the book isn't as compelling to me) but this stuff at the start rules. I didn't expect to write so much. Im having so much fun.

[tellevangeline]

(Photo of me and my husband by @mettieostrowski on insta)

Caroline Polachek as a Sociological Phenomena and why it’s Important to Gatekeep Twinks.

So there I was (picture unrelated) waiting for the train at 10:30 PM on a Sunday so I can go take some extra estradiol from a generous friend at a gay bar, full incognito, wearing a fucking hoodie, I’m so tired I spent all day working on the flier for my new absurdist drag bingo because I and everyone I know are walking parodies of bushwick transexuals.

Train is taking forever so I have some time to kill, and I decide (d? Should I care about continuity? I am not a writer, I’m an author.)

Anyway I decided to put the recent Caroline Polachek album on, which is big for me because I have been a bit of a Caroline Polachek denier. I listened to Chairlift very casually when I was a teenager but I was far from die hard and since then I’ve kind of just thought of her as an unfortunate but all too common case of a talented musician being so aggressively HAIM-Pilled that it’s practically deafening. I say this as a dyke with love for all dykes❤️

Also the “new queen of artpop” claims coming from the exact type of 5’8 naturally dirty blonde he/they’s I’ve made it my life goal to disagree with at all times are really not helping her case for me.

Because here’s my thing. I’m a Kate Bush ride or die, surprising I know. I have I’ve always been a coward tattooed below my collarbones like the only 1% I’ll ever be a part of is her Spotify listeners.

But here’s the tea, if you’re not ready and willing to hee haw like a fucking donkey on a song that’s probably about some form of domestic abuse you just aren’t the new queen of artpop. I do make the rules and to be honest the only people in pop music right now not named lady fucking gaga who has the panache, the gaul, the unwavering commitment to pull stunts and shenanigans on that level are Ethel Cain and Lingua Ignota, especially since FKA Twigs decided she wanted to live a happy and fulfilling life (and good for her, thank you for all the good times queen)

And Caroline is simply not there, she’s too squeaky clean and widely appealing to go to those absurd and ugly places that make a Bjork.

Now my personal cocomelon/surrogate father figure Anthony Fantano the Internet’s Busiest Music Nerd did love her album, and I usually agree with his takes (mbdtf is mid you just love it because it was baby’s first concept album and you have a deep yearning to return to a time in your life where you first realized music could be art) BUT WHILE I AGREE WITH MANY OF HIS TAKES (sorry) my one glaring exception is that he never takes how cunt something is into consideration while evaluating a piece of music, and by that I do mean that he said gaga peaked at fame monster and 212 is the only good azealia banks song. He doesn’t have the tools to engage with music in a fag like manor, so when we’re dealing with music for gays, I don’t trust him.

And then last night I saw a Drag Queen named The Illustrious Pearl perform welcome to my island as a showgirl vampire wearing rhinestoned knee pads and frankly if Caroline is good enough for her she’s certainly good enough for me.

And I’m gonna be really vulnerable here, I really enjoyed the album. Like, there’s about as much art in it’s pop as cranberry in a gay bar vodka cran but it’s damn good pop and the art adds a nice little aftertaste.

I believe is definetely my favorite, those Rhythm Nation/Mortal Kombat ass synth hits always make me convulse (America Has A Problem is my favorite track off Renaissance) (it took me a whole 2 minutes to spell renaissance right) but I also like welcome to my island a lot and I at least liked everything else except for Billions which sounds like a song that was rejected from The Sensual World because Kate would never release a song that non-violent.

But it was cute. I have a meeting with a literal church upstate that is trying to book me for their pride drag show tomorrow and one of them just texted me “Brainstorming with the Holy Spirit is so exciting and so fruitful ✝️💜✝️) and I believe those synth hits on I Believe will carry me through my challenges tomorrow. Love Down.

Xoxo

-Evangeline

[egg-emperor]

still think about that malicious reposter that likely still crawls my blog and Twitter acc for my edits and gifs and compilations to repost on their daily Eggman Twitter acc. the way all the proof was there that they'd see my posts, download all the images from it and schedule them to post exactly a month after at times

and how they denied when I kindly sensibly asked for credit when they were using things I recorded and screenshot right from the games myself, or edited and cropped, or spent hours making into gifs. and it was extremely obvious that they weren't just happening to find them on Google, in the exact same order I'd posted them on my blog because that's not how it works

and I told them it was upsetting that they were heavily running their account on all my hard work and using the account's followers to raise real money on two different occasions. especially because it takes a lot of effort for me to make it all with my disability and the exhaustion and pain just the process of doing what I love can bring but I pour my heart into it anyway just for them to get all the credit and traction

and they just didn't give a shit lol they never consistently credited and when I asked the third time they just ended up blocking me and saying I'm a liar, even though I provided tons of proof that they were straight up all mine posted for days in a row and all were so obviously taken directly from my blog in the orders they were posted in. things I've literally drawn and colored on myself to correct at times too

and they're definitely still doing it to this day to everything that I'm too tired and in pain and fatigued to watermark now but I can't look because I'm blocked. and I told my friend to stop telling me when they do it because it just upsets and stresses me out knowing that someone would disrespect my hard work and leech on it and even raise money using the account while I struggle with money and my disability lol

so yeah I'm not just being an asshole this is genuinely hurtful and disrespectful. and if these people tell you rumors about how horrible I am for wanting credit, they aren't true. especially because they have a lot of people sided with them against me liking them out of spite because they hate me for various reasons that also aren't true

and they can't say this is me harassing because I'm not going to tell you their username anymore. but I know they're reading this and I wish they realized how disrespectful they are and at least apologized if they're not going to give me credit

and what got me thinking about that today is how also my disability also isn't being respected irl as I'm about to be forced into that programme I can't do. and it's like damn it would've been nice if it could've at least been respected online before then but nah couldn't get it there either

[hellsbellschime]

So I'm really at the end of my rope, bitching and moaning under the cut

So for those of you who haven't been around since the stone age or just aren't in the know, my mom is bipolar. Her doctors in their infinite wisdom decided to test taking her off lithium, and shock of all shockers she is now manic as fuck. Like I just got an email from my landlords threatening possible eviction if her erratic behavior doesn't stop even though we haven't even been here for six months level manic.

So, given that she's literally mentally ill and is a selfish, manipulative, uncaring asshole even when she's medicated, she took my brand new car (it literally doesn't even have 1k miles on it yet) probably like 17 hours ago at this point (I have a time-stamped DM about it from like 13 hours ago), did something to damage it enough to need one of the tires replaced (and she says it's fine but somehow doubting it) EARLY YESTERDAY AFTERNOON and she still hasn't come home. I have called repeatedly, she has occasionally answered, and even giving her the biggest benefit of the doubt in the world it should have taken her about 20 minutes to get home when I called two hours ago.

Honestly my level of stress is just unreal, not only has she managed to abscond with and fuck up the most valuable thing I have ever owned in my life that is brand new and was a pretty huge thing for me to even get in the first place, but as you can imagine, this is not my first rodeo so the childhood trauma triggering is A LOT. And I just can't help but hate myself for not disengaging from this mess, deadass I moved to California as soon as I graduated from college specifically so this would not have to be my life anymore, and now here I am going through this same shit years later and never fully being able to enjoy my life and accomplishments because I have to wrangle a literal crazy person who has no one else.

It just sucks, I never asked for this, and unsurprisingly every other person in her life has tapped out over the years because it's too much and she's just too unkind for anyone to power through it for her so-called good times. She has said many times that she would have literally died at some point if it weren't for me, and while I obviously don't want her dead, that is an ENORMOUS amount of responsibility that I never asked for, and it is a responsibility that has drained a lot of good out of my life. I know everyone has to deal with shit, but having to deal with a mentally ill person who just takes and takes and takes and will tell you you're an asshole every time you try to genuinely help them just completely sucks the life out of you. At this point I wish she would just go off and live her dream crackhead life and leave me out of it, FFS we've been living in our new apartment for 5 months and she hasn't given me rent money once so at least I know I can do it on my own if necessary, and I'm just so fucking SPENT. For god's sake, I just called her again in the process of writing this damn post and she started yelling at me as if I'M the asshole in this scenario.

I just want to sit and cry and have the biggest pity party in the world and more than that I JUST WANT THIS FUCKING SHIT TO END and I want to feel like I can have a full life rather than trying to play cleanup crew for a person who treats me this way. I never dislike myself more than I do when I'm around her, and I hate that pity for someone who is frankly a complete asshole even on the best day has kept me trapped in a situation where I always feel like I'm my worst, saddest, meanest self. I'm just so fucking over it and don't want the responsibility of holding someone's life together when it feels like all I've done and dealt with since I was a kid. So all of you mfers better send all of your pity feels my way because literally no one on planet earth has a more difficult life than I do!

[unrequited-words]

6/19/24

Juneteeth

What pisses me off more than fucking ANYTHING . . .

When you go on social media, and all you've ever wanted in your life is to be included. This has to deal with his stepmom. She posted pictures of going to a water park/amusement park with all of the kids/cousins. I know we can't be invited to everything and I only get so much PTO off but they never fucking ASK us.

I received an email from work stating that the time I asked off is denied so I can do one of two things. I can wake up, work 3 hours and then go and get my step kids and spend 7 hours on the fucking road and have Sunday off to recuperate.

OR

Say, FUCK IT you have to drive, pick up your kids with the child we share while I work.

I should be getting more PTO in the next 2 weeks when I get paid again to replenish the time I have now off or have them take the points I received everyday by clocking in which is 200 I'm covered either way but I'm just like

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

He's recently been gaming with his best friend while I work and it's actually starting to really and I mean really piss me off. It's hard to hear customer at full volume with headphones trying to understand their order and how I can help them while he's gaming with his buddy and talking pretty loudly etc.

I had to go on mute today to shush him to basically say shut the fuck up and the weak ass bitch that I am apologized after and said sorry when I'm the only one working and the agreement was you watch our kid while I support family of five when sometimes it's usually a family of three.

It's really difficult when my daughter is almost four likes to scream and dance and jump when if I worked in the office it would be harder if I worked IN the office... I would never see my partner or my kid because I would spend the time commuting on a damn train and somehow walking to work and losing sleep so it's better that I work from home but working from home currently sucks and I shouldn't have to babysit a grown ass man and say could you tone it down a bit... So I can you I know, idk... maybe work?

What am I doing now? I am making dinner again. I might have another beer maybe I'm tired of having terrible and I mean terrible sleep

I'm tired that everything lies on my shoulders... bills, chores, dishes and laundry ... I asked him to vacuum last night which he was glad to do and he threw out his back and I felt like garbage because I know he's healing and he hurts... He threw out his back .. but I mean isn't that kind of in the job title of stay at home dad?

Some days, feel like I have another toddler. As soon as I get on break I ask him what can I do for you? What do you need? I also also make sure my kid is taken care of I also make sure she's fed, if she needs to go potty etc

I have zero and I mean zero FUCKING mom friends.

I have no female mom friends and this feels so and I mean so

FUCKING LONELY

I make too much money for state insurance... I cannot afford to go to the marketplace to insure myself and my kid when I'm not barely making rent were in a comfortable spot because of the dividend I got from work, and taxes but I also just spent $1,000 on parts for the car and his truck

When I want something like to get my feet done or to get my eyebrows done because he drives everywhere and I don't have a license it's hard for him and inconveniences him for. Aan hr or so for me ... I look like a dude

I'll probably delete this later because I have literally no one to bitch to

FUCK I NEED A VACATION and to be included

SO.BAD.

[altschmerzes]

gang you would not believe the week i am having. extended explanation of my current nightmare under the cut. please understand this is also mid ramp-up to finals season at my second year of law school and still trying to find a summer student position which means one million cover letters and applications.

when i moved to canada i tried to import my car. i did this twice, once by calling a company before i left that does this professionally, and they were like oh don't worry about it. you're fine, you don't need to do anything. i get to the border and the man at the border tells me the same thing. don't worry about it. you're fine you don't need to do anything. i go to the dmv here to try and title my damn car because my registration is expiring and i need to do that. the woman who works there is like oh you needed to import it :) but also get your driver's license first, trust me. okay. i go through the hell process of getting my ontario license. i now have my ontario license. i need to get a safety inspection and two forms from border control. sure. i don't have the first fucking idea how to do this but i'm sure i can figure it out.

fastforward. i got in an extremely minor accident on wednesday. entirely my fault, i was slightly distracted for a moment in stop and go traffic and a like. spider in my sleeve or something bit my arm and i hit the wrong pedal. got a ticket, spent 90 minutes dealing with the cops including the part where one of the cops spent several minutes lecturing me about how he can and should seize my car on the spot because it's registered out of country and i live here and that's tax evasion. i explain that i have been trying to get this dealt with but everybody kept telling me i didn't need to do that or worry about it. he tells me that's not his problem. sure. not his problem. understood. this has now become a problem that Cannot Wait though.

so what do i need to do to get my car registered here? still need those pieces of paper. i can get the safety inspection done at any old canadian tire, which, sure. that's fine. word. so what about the border forms? well. i call the canadian border services agency. i sit on hold for a while, and eventually the man on the phone not only can't seem to fucking comprehend anything i'm saying at first, he then also tells me that the solution to my problem is to drive to the fucking us/canada border, go back to the states, then drive back immediately and get the form then. oh my gd.

so i did that. i make the two hour drive to niagara fucking falls and i tell the us border agent what i'm doing there and he's like you can't do that. you need to export it from the us first or you'll get a five thousand dollar fine. and i'm like. okay. thank you sir. have a nice night. thank gd they give me no issue returning on the canadian side. so i make the drive home. having achieved nothing. nobody has given me any actionable information and the only thing more confusing and complicated than importing a car for personal use in canada is exporting one from the united states. literally on the government website it says 'every export office operates differently' which made me almost collapse into tears when i read it.

last night i decided okay, tomorrow i am calling a professional import/export service to throw myself on their mercy and beg them to help me. i might need to leave the country for a few days to get this dealt with bc it's possible i can't export it except for from us soil. all i am trying to do is follow the rules and every single person at every juncture of this nightmare has given me different, conflicting information.

just had that phone call. the good news: i am not going to need to go to the states for several days to deal with this. some nice lady from a company who does this professionally is gonna do the paperwork for me and has found me apparently the only us/canada border crossing that will let me do the us export shit from this side of the border. the bad news: it is an even farther crossing than the one i drove to yesterday, and i’m gonna have to wait a couple days to do it and then do it immediately, which means missing more class than i already missed yesterday trying to do this. hopefully then it will be sorted.

[shih-coulda-had-it]

Just so you know, the assignment was something among the lines of "use these words to write a short story" and I may have went slightly overboard. Rushed? Obviously. The ending was literally write in the middle of the lesson. But that's the effort that counts right? (Please I hope it sends in one ask)

It was a bad idea. Obviously. It wasn't worth the risk. Right. Right? He was definitely losing his mind or has lost it already if even a part of him thought it was anything else.

Nana would laugh in his face if she were to see this. Or, more likely, yell at him for being such an idiot who didn't care about himself at all. Well damn, he was running out of ideas, sue him. And that? That seemed like an opportunity. An opportunity to reach a confinement between them. To keep him safe without becoming fugitives and hiding for years, if not decades.

Torino exhaled slowly, eyes locking on the man in front of him. To a certain extent, it was funny to realize how hard it was to believe that he could actually look even benevolent when they were not trying to murder each other.

It was almost nice, actually. To sit like that in a quiet cafe, doing small talk as if they were old friends and one of them wasn't the reason the other had spent days trying to wash the blood off himself. To a certain degree, the hero still couldn't get rid of this feeling, of how hideous he'd felt reeking of metal and ashes. How his self hatred surfaced the moment he was finally left alone and how drained he was of any energy to shed even a single tear and-

"Sorahiko," the villain's voice startled him and he gasped for air sharply, eyes darting to the white haired man who looked so damn genuinely concerned that he felt sick to the bone. This couldn't be right, he couldn't be even capable of that, he was just a fu- "Sorahiko," All for One repeated, this time placing a hard on his shoulder, and the gesture was so weirdly soothing that he flinched at this. "I am not going to hurt you. You know that, Sorahiko. Otherwise I would've done so already."

He registered, in the back of his mind, that it was likely to be an effect of a nerve soothing quirk, it must've been also touch based, because the moment All for One pulled away, anxiety washed over him again.

"Why?" He choked out more of a sob than a solid question, making the villain frown in confusion and worry. "Why even make an effort? You could've just killed me. Could've- you could've come for him and, I don't know, used some quirk on him to make him-"

"But I didn't. And I am not planning to, at least, not yet," he shook his head with a sigh. "Truth is, I'm tired of this, Sorahiko. Think about it. My brother was murdered years, decades ago and I'm still trying to get the last thing left of him only to meet newer and newer generations of people trying to murder me. I haven't been fully in control of what I've built back then in years, I'm sure you have noticed that. You- oh God, you really haven't noticed the drop in crime activity, have you?"

"I had other concerns," the hero shrugged. "Why now?"

"As I said, tiredness. Nana's successor hasn't been quite shaped into the Commission's murder machine, yet, and I want to make this deal beneficial for both sides."

Torino eyed him suspiciously and crossed his arms, considering his chances.

An opportunity to make All for One step back. To not let more blood be spilled later. Though, in exchange for the only thing capable of stopping him…

"What would be our benefit from this, then?" He arched an eyebrow.

"Freedom," he said simply.

"Freedom?"

"No more heroics," the villain nodded, continuing. "No more being the Commission's lap dog. No more all of this, raising your successors thing and hiding for years. Freedom."

"What makes you think I would agree to this?"

That, for some reason, made All for One laugh. Startled, Sorahiko stared at him for a moment perhaps too long enough before he decided to ask.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, nothing much. You've spent so much time fighting along side with Nana, helping her carry her oh so tremendous duty of the Saviour and now you have her successor, but tell me what, Sorahiko. Would you still try to play a hero, were these factors to be taken away? And even if you did, do you actually want to burden a literal child with this? What is he, seventeen? I could crush him with one hit if I wanted. So, do you really not think it'd be stupid to refuse this chance? After all, you guys have made it your duty to defeat the demon lord or whatever people call me these days with One for All and see where the problem steps in. I am not willing to fight anymore, taking apart everything my brother's little heroes tried to build so hard. I can't bring him back, either. In other words, I am only asking you to be reasonable. To help me end this. So, what will be, Sorahiko?"

Gran Torino hesitated, looking at All for One, who was now back to calmly drinking his tea, once more. Suddenly, he became hyper aware of everything around them. All the people, every life to be lost if he refused.

He was cornered. And honestly, he was so, so tired.

Torino sighed. "Fine. Let's just get this over with."

thank you for sharing! wow! i need to know CONTEXT and RESOLUTION. reading and rereading it, i'm pretty sure sorahiko's not betraying toshinori to all for one for 'the sake of survival'. then again, what could AfO be asking of sorahiko...?

[caption id: Additional note from the writer that says, "Side note number two while I'm at it. The same classmate who decided to retell a one piece arc asks when is the next chapter. Should I go for it lmao."]

The answer being, yeah, of course!! Would I ever deny myself Prime Torino content???

[autisticempathydaemon]

hello! for your redacted matchup!

some basic things about me is that i'm just an intj-t and a reserved person and have a lot of difficulty opening up to someone. i also am the stubborn type, trying to solve my problems alone and head on with no breaks. it does lead to a lot of issues where people think i'm too hyper-independent, but we ball and we vibe!

as for your whimsical questions (that i adore btw):

i adore long video essays on youtube! usually about books, drama and social issues around the world. mainly because it's cool to hear about how different people perceive the same piece of media!

i spent most of my life hating my name, so you'd have to put me on gun point to change it. that being said, there was a point in time i wanted to change to something similar to my current name so people can pronounce it easier.

the recent avior video is definitely one of my top fives now! i also adore sam and aviors' healing videos, vega's first video with warden and all of vincent's videos where he gets to act like a dork.

i hope i don't get crucified for this but i really can't see the appeal in lasko. he's too jittery and jumpy and i'm way too impatient to deal with someone like that. i'd still want him as a friend, thought.

as for who i am attracted too platonically, all of the DAMN boys, milo, asher and vincent! they're all too best friend shaped for me.

oh god, when i get tired, i tend to ramble about how people annoy me. i'll be shit talking people in my sleep and i think that's funny!

my go to gas station is circle k and i'd usually get either coffee or a peach quencher!

my favourite playlist rn is my darlin' playlist because it's filled with nostalgic songs for me! (a lot of 90a and early 2000s rap and rnb)

ooooh, my guilty pleasure media would have to be redacted audios! i'm a very basic person when it comes to my media choices so this is literally the "weirdest" thing i listen too!

thank you sososo much for having this event open! do take your time and don't feel pressured to have all of these done! i love you and i hope you have a good day! 💞💞💞

Your INTJ-T (the Turbulent Architect) nature gives me fun Aaron vibes- not that I’d necessarily pair you with Aaron but that you remind me of him… and you know what you and Aaron could use? A cute, bubbly pizza Guy.

The beauty in yours and Guy’s relationship would be the lovely, charming ways you contrast; where you might be introverted and stubborn, Guy is extroverted and open- maybe a little opposites attract sort of thing? He seems the type who could easily draw you out of your shell and become, if not your rock, your safe, happy space.

Also, I think Guy would be so tickled pink to hear you be sleepy and grumpy and gripe about the people who irritate you. He’d love laying next to you and encouraging your mumbling, probably recording silly, nonsensical snippets of it for when he misses you. Guy’d think it’s so cute and sweet how garrulous you can be when it’s just the two of you, and he’d be so proud that he is granted the privilege of experiencing you that way.

Song:

Some people want diamond rings/ Some just want everything/ But everything means nothing/ If I ain't got you, you, you

You just know, without a doubt, that Guy would be a sucker for a good, nostalgic, shower jam, and is there any better than this? It’s classic, it’s simple, it’s cheesy as hell, and Guy absolutely sings it off-key in the car, knowing you’d never skip the track and throw him off his groove when he’s having fun.

Runner-ups:

Leaning more into comparisons than contrasts, I definitely considered David and Aaron for you. David, who is also independent and stubborn, would make himself very available as a rock and foundation for you; he is incredibly dependable, which is very attractive in a partner. Aaron strikes me as having the same MBTI as you, as being similar in that way that would make you fast friends.

Note: I am having a fantastic day, thank you ❣️ I hope you are as well and that this, god willing, made it just a touch better 💖

Want a match-up of your own? Read this post, and tell me about yourself! 💌