#I am; and I quote; “my own worst asshole” and it can be applied to me doing stupid shit to myself or being a perfectionist <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[the-greek-mythos-project]

The Greek Mythos Project: What We Accept Within Submissions

Hello everyone, it is once again Camila here and I am writing this post because I decided I should probably clarify things sooner than later. I know I and quite a few other lovely people can struggle with open barriers within things, especially in such a large and "imposing" project, so I decided to write down the general specifics of things to lessen everyone's anxiety. This can and will definitely be improved if we are given more information/questions/asked for clarification so feel free to check every once in a while or reach out if you don't see a specific question you have answered. This is once again here to promote better communication within things and break down this large project to more manageable things. So, let's get into it!

[Note: This post will go from the broader, more unspecific, topics to the smaller, more specific ones so feel free to scroll down or up as you please :)]

The Biggest Thing First! One Singular POV. This is something that I, Camila, want for the project and therefore, it will be the most enforced thing within here. Don't worry, though! We will be releasing a Second Work alongside this main project consisting of things that didn't quite fit into the original project, such as works that aren't exactly (or at all) one POV but still want to be recognized or OC pieces that are like reincarnations of various gods/mortals/characters which I'll get into later. So you work has a place with us, I promise you <3.

Anyway, back to the One Singular POV thing. It genuinely does not matter whether the piece is First Person, Second Person, Third Person, or something within those parameters as long as the setting, scene, thoughts, and work are being described in that one character's thoughts/experiences. A great example of this in Third Person is in the Heroes of Olympus by Rick Riordan, a popular YA Book Series centering around Greek Mythology in a Modern Setting told by their Demigod Children, where the narrative is in Third Person POV but it only ever follows whoever's POV it's in. Such as we do see the character's actual name and "he/she/they" instead of "I" but we're not privy to anything other than what the character is experiencing.

That is what I am asking for, and I am asking for this mostly for myself!) As we all may know by now, this project was created because I--Camila--took one look at my goal to rewrite the entirety of Greek Mythology in my search to learn more about the Greek Myths, was like "yeah... no," and then proceeded to make this public with the intent to bring out those niche writers, gain a community, make friends, and generally learn more about the various communities and ideas surrounding such a vast and deep thing such as Greek Mythology (remember, people not only know this across the globe, but across centuries. It's not just our ideas and the original texts, it's the Roman Empire's thoughts, the Rise of Christianity, all of our forefathers, and even those who we have read dissecting these things and creating academic papers or other works. It's just so interesting how much character and change and even how much influence various things have had on our modern perceptions). But, this is also a Project, this is also mine, and so I am very politely asking for it to be One POV of a Greek Mythological Character--However Niche They May Be--Only.

Thank you so much for understanding and, again, I will be hosting a Secondary Fic for all the things that don't quite fit under this Main Project but may still want to have the recognition/community that this comes with <3.

Note!! Because this post ended up being a little long and would be hard to properly organize going further, the rest of it will be comprised in reblogs <33

[mel-155-a]

Okay, this is stupid and self-defeating on numerous axis, the obvious one being that it is deeply stupid evo psych horseshit that has negative evidence supporting it being harnessed in support of what would functionally be an aristocracy (remember that "high status" here means wealthy) and would have a decent chance of rapidly transforming into a monarchy or some other form of strong man dictatorial government.

But, it is also self-defeating by putting an exception to the argument within the argument! It isn't just "high T, high status 'Alpha' males" that are "free to think", it's also people on the autistic spectrum, who can come from any background!

This is put in there to flatter the people reading it, who are generally going to not be the high-T, wealthy Chads it argues should rule over us. But, they can be lumped in near to that ENTIRELY IMAGINED group in order to get a portion of the status being applied to the Chads, because the readers likely identify as a particular kind of self-diagnosised aneurotypical status that makes them "INTJs" who are DEFINITELY genius programmers who get to excuse being an asshole by gesturing at vague ideas of "brain shape".

But!!! Elon Musk and others in this fascist nonsense parade have another belief, that trans women are just autistic men who are being corrupted by Gender Ideology and Woke. This is a very common argument among anti-trans radicals so you can find examples of it all over, but here is Musk deploying it against his own daughter because he is the world's biggest piece of shit:

"Musk posted on Monday that Wilson was “born gay and slightly autistic” and added that as a child, she would “pick out clothes for me to wear like a jacket and tell me it was ‘fabulous!’"

- Quote from: https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/25/tech/elon-musk-daughter-vivian-jenna-wilson-criticizes-posts/index.html?nb_mobile_app=1

So, it is technically an entirely logical conclusion from those two things that Musk and his Channer buddies would support a government made up almost entirely of trans women, which I can actually support as well! Not for the same reason though, I want to see this because it would rapidly escalate into basically the world's worst fucking polycule imaginable and the drama posts would be INCREDIBLE. Strange Aeons would have content for the rest of her life.

Does any of that actually matter though? No, it doesn't, fascists don't operate in good faith, they don't actually believe their own arguments. They are starting with the conclusion of "me and my in group (in this case cis het white men) should be allowed to do whatever we want with zero consequences" and working on backwards to make up shit in order to justify it, no matter how thin or stupid the "argument". Jean-Paul Sartre phrased it beautifully back in 1946 in his book "Anti-Semite and Jew", written after the liberation of Paris from Nazi occupation:

"Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."

Am I saying that all of these people are the same as the early 20th century Nazis? No, of course not.

Only some of them are.

But all of them are eating the fruit from the poisoned tree, all of their stupid evo psych shit is eugenics and social hygiene theory by another name, all the "high status male", "Alpha" worshipping nonsense just the concept of the Ubermensch repackaged for the modern day.

You aren't going to convince these people they are wrong by showing them how stupid what they are saying is, how offensively contradictory and hypocritical it is, because it doesn't matter to them. Nothing matters to them other than getting their way and hurting the people they don't like. "I don't care if this hurts me too, it Triggers The Libs."

So why did I go to all this effort? Because it's fun, it's worth dunking on them if it makes you laugh, and also, it can help sharpen your own critical analysis and reading skills to find the loose threads and pull on them. Just don't let yourself get sucked into the idea that engaging with them will do anything but platform them.

oh hey just in case anyone who left twitter is wondering how things are going over there

last night elon tweeted a 4chan screenshot (with bonus antisemitic text in the OP image) advocating for only “high status males” in government and the implied repeal of women’s suffrage. Cool cool cool

[terrifyingstories3]

today was tasha’s birthday and i’m late so here are things i love about her 

no one taught her goodness, but she’s good anyway. one of my favorite things about watching supergirl was finding lena luthor quotes to apply to her. the following is one of my favorites: “while i came from poison, you came from love. and if the rest of this family stands steadily in darkness, you will always fall into the light.” tasha came from this poisonous, toxic family obsessed with vanity and image with no regard for the people around them and she has no reason to be good, but she is. it isn’t something that was taught to her - in fact, much of what was instilled in her would inspire the opposite - but somehow, despite everything, is inherently inside of her. there’s something gentle and kind in her that the world, despite all of its best efforts, has never been able to stamp out.

she screws up a lot in the end but she really said: the way that things are is wrong and i am going to end it here. at 18 years old recovering physically and emotionally from unspeakable horror and unable to turn away from some of the darkest truths imaginable, tasha made a choice that she was going to build something good. she came from hate and lies and deceit and fear and selfishness and vanity and no one taught her this and she had no reason to know any better or choose any differently but tasha, for all of her faults, is made out of love. she looked at her nephew, who she loves more than anything in the world and was now faced with raising, and decided she was going to do things differently. she would not allow him to grow up the way she did, the way his parents were intent on raising him. she was going to change things. she was going to create a place that neither of them had ever known: a safe place where christian was free to be whoever he wanted with as much love and encouragement as possible. where the life they lived before was harsh and restrictive and uncompromising, their new life would be open and warm and accepting. without pressure to conform without fear of love or affection being ripped away without criticism and ugliness without decades worth of darkness. they would have a new life, and they would build it together.

she doesn’t do it perfectly! she isn’t perfect, and her own childhood trauma and teachings don’t go away. they still inform her actions and reactions. but breaking out of patterns that have existed for decades before you is hard, and it’s a battle tasha chooses to fight every day. ultimately it’s christian who is really able to create a new way of life divorced from past trauma and the darkness of their family where tasha falls short, but she really tried, god she did. and in a million little ways she succeeded, planted flowers where nothing should have ever been able to grow again.

tasha was taught to despise weakness or anything that could be perceived as such, but she’ll never underestimate the power of softness. gentleness is powerful and wonderful and it can change everything.

she can laugh at herself. she can try something new even if she’ll be terrible at it

she’s funny without ever being mean

she doesn’t care about being the best in the room, she just has to be the best that she’s capable of being

she puts too much sugar in her coffee. like, contain her

she gave herself the worst possible bangs once and had the courage to try it again and again until she finally got it right.

she likes those shows about interior design

she will give you all of her opinions even when you haven’t asked for them and in her defense, she’s usually right.

she likes plants but has to get fake ones because she keeps killing them on accident

she’s been known to throw drinks on rich entitled assholes

randomly starts house related diy projects at 3am because of who she is as a person

she’s really kind and good with kids and thinks the lack of quality sex ed especially lgbtqia+ inclusive sex ed is bullshit. much to christian’s dismay she’s taken it upon herself to correct this

she’s a bomb ass self defense instructor and has filled the studio with lots of little subtle nods to rock history

i just love her

[nxtehqs]

hiii, everyone !! i’m lacey. i’m 22 years old in the gmt+1 tmz with she/her pronouns. i am beyond excited to get into this rp !! i’m so glad you all decided to apply and fulfill my dreams. this is a really old muse of mine that i’m really excited to get to play once again. i hope you all hate love him just as much as i do !! excuse how terribly rushed this intro is, but i’m lazy and i gotta help my paps with something real quick. enjooyyyy.

[ harry styles, cismale, 21 ] did you see NATHAN ‘NATE’ SINCLAIR ? looking as broke as ever. rumor has it HE is usually -CYNICAL and -OBSTINATE but is also known to be +PLACID and +DEBONAIR. we’ll see about that. they kind of remind me of DEEP FROWN CREASES, RESTLESS NIGHTS, MORNING AFTER HAIR. maybe because they’re a SCORPIO. they’ve been living around here for 7 YEARS. i wonder when they’ll make it out…

**please feel free to read up on nate’s statistics HERE !!

nathan ‘nate’ sinclair was born on november 7th, 1998 to christopher and amelia sinclair. he was the middle child of three.

and as the stereotype goes, the middle child is the forgotten child. which was definite for nate. he always got his older brothers hand me downs. for christmas, he got toys that his older brother had gotten before that he was now bored of

the sinclair family were originally born and raised in a small village known as lacock, wiltshire in england. 

christopher and amelia sinclair were two extremely religious parents who devoted their lives to the church and and spoke highly of the bible. nate’s father would read a passage before each meal they shared together.

money was always an issue for the sinclair family. they were almost only going to send the eldest brother to school because they couldn’t afford it. but christopher prayed every day for a better life for their family

and that was when christopher was offered a huge job opportunity across the globe in south carolina, usa. he was convinced that this was as a result of the workings of god. 

not too long later, their home in lacock was sold and the family got the most affordable flight to south carolina.

they moved to crawford when nate was fourteen years old

nate immediately took a liking to the states. previously, he had always struggled to make friends because he wasn’t one to talk much. he’d always been socially awkward. but living here, he made a friend in his neighborhood quite quickly ( AVAILABLE PLOT ? )

his siblings were his friends before but when they moved to the usa, his brother and sister found their own friends and quickly, they drifted apart. what was once endless laughter and cheers quickly turned into yelling and constant arguing.

when nate was 17, he was around that age when he was beginning to explore his sexuality. the worst mistake he ever made was doing just that but at his own home. that night when his dad walked in on his son straddling the lap of some boy was by far the worst night of his life. ( AVAILABLE PLOT ? )

he grabbed his arm and pulled him off the other, and yelled ‘how could you?!’ over and over, as if nate had done something wrong. 

for months, christopher didn’t speak to his son. he watched him with disapproving stares, eyes of pure disgust. the tension at the dinner table was awful. and nate noticed how his dad always make sure to quote particular passages in the bible. every night.

“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her,” or  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,”

Nate tried to explain to his father that he did love women. but he loved men too. and that wasn’t a bad thing. christopher didn’t want to hear a word of it, and insisted that there was something wrong with nate for him to think like that.

not even half a year later, nate’s dad lost his job. the only source of income was nate’s mother, amelia, on minimum wage at the local cafe. immediately, christopher took it out on nate. he blamed it on him, insisting that it was god punishing them for nate’s sins.

the constant mental abuse from his father left nate in a way that could be described in no other way then sad, lonely, and insecure. he felt as if the whole world was against him. any friends he had, he slowly drifted from and struggled to make anymore. 

he spent almost every day in his room, keeping to himself and perhaps reading or learning something new. something nate prided himself in was his intelligence. he was always top of the class, and had never in his life failed a test. he actually enjoyed studying, because it was one of the few things that distracted his mind. his dream was to some day be able to afford college, or get a scholarship somewhere.

as nate got older, he found that it actually wasn’t as scary walking into the local pub and ordering yourself a drink underage. the first few times, he was rejected because the bar tender knew his family. but when the gossip spread that the owner of the pub had passed away, and someone else had bought it, nate found himself as a regular customer. a whole year passed, and he wasn’t asked for id.

now that he’s 21, he wished he was because he could now show off his age card.

since he started going out more, going to the pub or the few take aways around town, nate discovered a new way to distract his mind. a way almost as enjoyable as studying. sex. is he really kinky ? that’s a secret he’d never tell. xoxo

was he embarrassed that he quickly became known as one of the biggest fuck boys around the village ? not at all. nate stopped caring a long time ago. what was the point?

besides, he didn’t understand why people were so mad. all he wanted was a quick hook up with no strings attached. it wasn’t his fault that some people just didn’t understand that. 

nate wasn’t the greatest flirt but with a smirk and some showing off of his dimples, he could get his way. 

but nate hated people who played hard to get. if you’re going to drag it on, then he didn’t have time for you. why? because nate knows he has a tendency to fall for anyone who’s nice to him. 

last time someone was all cute, and nice and kind and adorable and teased him and played hard to get and was all annoying but beautiful...nate spent a good week crying because they didn’t like him back. ( AVAILABLE PLOT ? )

he swore to never embarrass himself like that again but it was only a matter of time.

because he’s a crier and he hates that.

nate tries to act like he doesn’t care but he so cares. in reality, he’s quite the softy. he cries reading books or watching sad movies, he falls weak when people kiss his forehead, he loves cuddling. he’ll never admit it but he’d actually like to get married and have kids some day. but not for a long time.

for now, his dream is college and to make enough money to travel the world and prove his parents wrong. or to just move out and away from his god awful family.

he may come across as rude or standoffish or like an asshole but it’s all an act, do not be fooled. he will start fights to seem cool but end up getting his ass beat. 

he does love gossip and drama but hates being involved. if he hears about something happening, he needs to know about it. 

okay that’s all i can think of for now i’ll add more later xoxoxoxoxoo

[makeste]

a hero under construction

A.k.a. “yep I really went and tried to defend Bakugou ‘hey there bad decisions, it’s me, ya boi’ Katsuki in BnHA chapter one, if you can believe it. No, I don’t know why I suddenly felt the pressing need to do this either.”

So as you may know from sources such as: This Entire Blog, I like metaing about Bakugou. All sorts of meta! I have talked about Bakugou and Deku. Bakugou and Mitsuki. Bakugou and Determination, and Bakugou and Redemption.

But one thing I have not ever really talked about is Bakugou And That One Time He Told Deku To... You Know. The Thing. Because lol. That was so bad. You guys. Everyone agrees. Fandom doesn’t debate about this. That was a shitty, shitty thing.

And look, I’m not going to debate it either! Not really. But what I will say is that Bakugou Katsuki has always been my favorite BnHA character. Literally from the moment he was introduced. And I don’t feel like I’ve ever really adequately been able to explain why. I don’t gloss over his actions -- or at least I don’t think I do -- but to me those actions also don’t define him. Anyway, out of nowhere I had the sudden impulse to talk about this, so I’m gonna try and take a stab at it. Here goes.

So here’s Bakugou on page one of chapter one:

oh no baby what is you doing.

And then later on, all grown up! Not really though. But you know, older.

Yes, he really was my favorite right from this moment. Quote:

“YOU ASSHOLE, TWO SENTENCES IN AND I’M ALREADY POSITIVE YOU’RE GOING TO BE MY FUCKING FAVORITE. YOU’RE SECRETLY SENSITIVE AREN’T YOU. WITH A TRAGIC PAST. OR SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES THAT YOU’RE OVERCOMPENSATING FOR. YOU SON OF A BITCH. YOU PIECE OF SHIT”

He absolutely was a piece of shit too, the little fucker.

But anyway, the point is, I knew right away. And it’s not like I just went “OH MY GOD WHAT AN ASSHOLE I LOVE HIM” or anything lol. The thing is, it wasn’t Bakugou himself that I immediately fell in love with on the spot. It was his inevitable redemption arc. That shit was written in the stars from day one. It was inescapable. You do not introduce the main character’s antagonistic childhood friend (you can put air quotes around “friend” if you like), who wants to go to the same school as him and seems to be living a charmed life up until this point with everything going for him, and who is, to be blunt, a Humongous Shithead, and not have a redemption arc planned for him. Some things are just fate, guys. So anyways, yeah, I saw that and I immediately went “oh my god, it’s going to be so good,” and I decided right there and then that the only expedient thing to do was to go ahead and make him my favorite right there, before the proverbial ink had so much as dried.

Like, to put this another way. You know Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban? Specifically the part where Harry explains how he was suddenly able to cast a perfect Patronus charm in order to save Sirius and his own past self? “I knew I could do it this time, because I’d already done it... Does that make sense?” Anyways, you see, what happened here is sorta like that. When I first saw Katsuki, he was not immediately my favorite. But I knew that he would be, because two decades of reading shounen manga has helped give me a sixth sense for honing in on this very specific type of character arc. Rivalries, character development, the works. And pretty much the second I laid eyes on this little shit, I fucking knew he was gonna have that kind of arc. And if he did, he would become my favorite. So I thought I’d save time and make him my favorite right there and then. So I did. And I’ve never regretted it. Basically, I don’t love him because of who he is; I love him for who I have faith that he will become (and in the more recent chapters is, in fact, becoming).

Anyways, now that we’ve established that, just understand that all of this was in the back of my mind the whole time as I went on to read the rest of the chapter, and indeed, the series. So! Katsuki then goes on to brag about how he’s going to be the first AND ONLY!! student from Aldera Jr. High to get into U.A., before he blows up the main character’s desk for absolutely no reason. Which, by the way, their teacher just kind of sat back and let happen. You know, I tend to give the U.A. faculty a lot of grief, but maybe I should ease up on them some. The standards for teaching in this society are really kind of abysmal.

Anyway, so we should probably just fast-forward to The Thing already.

Oh Deku, honey. Nah that ain’t gonna happen.

So then,

Like, just in case it wasn’t clear enough before. Katsuki is, in fact, being a big ol’ anus.

And just in case it still wasn’t clear enough!

Honestly, I know fandom has zeroed in on the scene that takes place one page after this, but truth be told, I feel like this was arguably even crueler than that. If only because he went right for the thing Deku values most. He knows how important those notebooks are to him. This wasn’t just the physical destruction of Deku’s property (which is bad enough); it was also a direct attack on Deku’s aspirations. He’s trying to stomp them out. He specifically stayed after class to torment him just for that purpose.

Anyways, he goes on to reiterate that he’ll be the first and only student from Aldera to go to U.A., and then he tells Deku “don’t you dare get into U.A., nerd.” Which is what this entire scene boils down to, really. Bakugou, despite giving Deku endless grief for being quirkless, and repeatedly telling him he doesn’t stand a chance and needs to face facts, in truth feels threatened enough by Deku applying to U.A. that he goes to all of this effort just to try and scare him off. He doesn’t tell him “you’ll never get in”; he doesn’t even say “don’t try to get in.” It’s specifically, “don’t you dare get in.” Even here, at his very worst, at his most arrogant and cruel and physically violent, we can see hints of the insecurity that’s secretly at the root of this entire thing.

Anyways. And then...

Hahaha okay sob so we have finally come to this.

Look. I’m not gonna turn around and start defending this. I absolutely will not. The actions are indefensible. What I will defend, however, is the fourteen-year-old boy who made them. Because he is just that -- a fourteen-year-old boy. In other words, a kid. A very stupid, mean kid, who was old enough to know better. Youth doesn’t excuse everything. But I’m not going to condemn a child for life because of the shitty things they did at age fourteen. Fourteen is a very stupid age. No offense to any teenagers reading this! There are plenty of teenagers who do manage to navigate adolescence without temporarily losing their fucking minds. But I think it’s fair to say that just about everyone makes at least one or two mistakes during that period. Most people wind up with at least a few regrets. Which is honestly a good thing. It’s natural. If you don’t screw up at least once or twice growing up, you don’t get the chance to learn from it.

Anyway, so yeah. That’s my defense. He’s a kid. Maybe to some people it’s a weak defense. And yeah, maybe I’m too forgiving! Again, though, I’m not saying it’s in any way okay. What I am saying is that I don’t believe in one-strike-and-you’re-out. Especially if it’s a child. Yes, some people never change, and they keep on being shitty people for the rest of their lives. But for the most part, people are trying their best. And for kids and teenagers especially, I’m just about always willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and trust them to keep trying to do better. Kids aren’t completed works; they’re still only rough drafts. And this applies to Katsuki as well. He’s still an effort in progress. A hero under construction.

Anyway, though. Basically you either cancel Bakugou after this scene, or you don’t. If you don’t, then let’s go ahead and keep moving forward. So how does Deku react to all of this?

Honestly, I think this here is a scene that doesn’t always receive its share of consideration. There are two things that stand out to me here. First, that Deku’s reaction to his former friend telling him to jump off a roof is to get frustrated about what a stupid fucking thing that was to say, because Katsuki could get in trouble for it. Never mind that this asshat just burned your notebook and joked about you killing yourself! He’s angry because Katsuki didn’t fucking think for two seconds before saying something which could have potentially had such devastating consequences for him, let alone Izuku.

Just. Okay. So not that this makes it any better, mind! But it is worth pointing out nonetheless, because it’s a definite Thing in fandom for people to sometimes retcon Deku’s reaction to this and make this one incident into The Single Biggest Issue From Their Entire Fucked Up Childhood. Like, I’m talking about those fanfics where it somehow gets out that Hey Guys, One Time Bakugou Told Deku To Kill Himself, and Deku is all angry and tearful about it, and Bakugou is super guilty and Ashamed, and everyone is horrified and there is Fallout and Drama and so forth, and then usually some kind of reconciliation afterwards. Which is nice. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice to have that kind of catharsis. But what I am trying to say is that I think fandom perhaps places more weight on this one particular incident than the canon does. Or the characters, for that matter. Because while Izuku has every right to feel horrified, and Katsuki by all rights should probably be losing a bit of sleep in his guilt over this, the reality in canon seems to be that neither of them ever treated it as that big of a deal. Possibly because it never occurred to either character for even an instant that Izuku might actually go through with it. I honestly don’t think Katsuki would have said it if he’d thought otherwise. Not that that’s an excuse either, because there was no way for him to actually know. But just trying to get into his mindset here, I honestly don’t think it entered his mind that Deku would try it. And clearly Deku never entertained the thought either. So in that regard, Katsuki basically just got very, very lucky.

Moving on to the second of the two things I mentioned, what does hurt Deku more than the go kill yourself implications, I think, are the I literally do not give a shit about you implications that naturally accompany a statement like this. And that, more than anything, is the sentiment I think Katsuki was actually trying to get across. I don’t care about you at all. I have so little regard for you that it wouldn’t bother me if you died. Which of course is equally as terrible a sentiment as the other, if not more so. It’s an exceptionally cruel thing to imply. But it’s what he wanted to express, regardless. Because, again, he has an entire dissertation’s worth of insecurities when it comes to Deku, and as we learn later on, he’s gotten the idea somehow that Deku is purposely mocking him and trying to knock him down a peg. And so this is his retaliation; his way of trying to deal with what in truth is his own self-imposed baggage. Meanwhile Deku is just trying to mind his own business -- contrary to popular belief, I think he has gotten the message by this point that Katsuki doesn’t want him following him around -- but he still refuses to relinquish his own dream of getting into U.A. and becoming a hero, no matter how out of reach it may seem. And so he puts up with the abuse, because he can’t fight back, but he’s not willing to back down, either. Basically things are tense!! And shitty!

Anyway, so that’s pretty much my breakdown of The Thing. This meta isn’t done yet, though! Because obviously no “Bakugou in chapter one” meta would be complete without an analysis of what I'd argue is actually the much more important Thing that also happens in this chapter. Namely, this:

Hahaha. Welcome to being a character in shounen manga, kid. When that karma train loops back around, it loops hard.

So! Bakugou stomps around some alleyways with his fellow middle school lowlives grumping about how Deku pisses him off. It’s worth noting that he already understands he’s done something wrong, here. His buddies even call him out on it -- “you went too far today” -- and his only argument is that “it’s his fault for messing with me.” He knows he was a shithead. Rather than denying it, he’s already moved on to trying to justify it. Really he’s just got too much pride to admit he went too far. It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s actually one of the reasons he’s so angry in this scene, even. He knows he done fucked up, and that just pisses him off more. Anyway so then he suddenly gets eaten by a giant blob, which. Yeah, this is BnHA. That can sometimes happen.

Let’s go back for a moment and talk more about the “GO KILL YOURSELF” thing! In real life, how would you deal with that situation? Like, imagine that it’s your job to discipline this kid. And assuming also that you work at a school that actually has policies about bullying, rather than teachers who just sit around filing their nails while the kids blow up each other’s desks. But anyways, my guess is it’d probably be some combination of suspension, detention, and/or community service, etc. But here’s the thing -- punishment can only go so far in dealing with the underlying issue. The real goal is to change the behavior. So there should be some measures to address that as well. Mentoring, behavior contracts, counseling, whatever. You don’t want the thing to happen again. You want the pattern of behavior to change.

Anyway, because BnHA society has massive problems which no one seems interested in tackling, this of course doesn’t happen, and Bakugou appears to get away scot free as far as Official Consequences For His Actions. But, because this is shounen manga, and we can’t just let our characters carry on not developing, something does happen instead which fortunately gets the ball rolling toward Redemption in its own unorthodox way. Namely, Katsuki gets eaten by the aforementioned giant blob, and Deku saves him.

That’s right! That Deku! Who, and I cannot stress this enough, bears absolutely no responsibility for Katsuki’s predicament at all, despite what he might think. Deku, whom none of us are worthy of in the slightest. Deku, despite being powerless, despite having no quirk, is the only person to try and do anything at all to save Katsuki, who -- and I can’t stress this enough, either -- is fucking dying. Like, holy shit. How the hell did this whole thing go from zero to fuCKED UP!! in such a short period of time?? just. !!

Anyway, so remember the part earlier where I said like a dozen times in a row, "he’s just a kid”? Yeah, I feel like that bears repeating just one more time.

Yeaaaaah. Fuck me so hard. Like hell there was ever even a chance of me ever not adopting this toxic fucking shitnugget after this. Just go ahead and fade me now. I know what my weaknesses are, and they are: This. Just, all of this.

Because here’s the thing about Katsuki: he tries to be tough, but he’s not. Not really. Not yet. He’s strong! He’s determined! But he’s still young, and far more fragile then he’d ever want people to think. All of his shitty behavior stems from the fact that he’s much less sure of himself than he puts on. He’s someone who has always been the best, and wants desperately to be THE best, and it also just so happens that he has absolutely no idea what he would do if he wasn’t. If he ever failed. If he wasn’t strong. And he’s scared shitless of it, and every last one of his most despicable actions stems from that fear.

But because he’s so bullheaded, he stubbornly refuses to acknowledge any of this, and persists in applying the only solution to this problem that he can think of: just fucking get stronger, and also CRUSH!!! anyone who dares to get in your way. If you’re afraid of being weak, then just don’t be weak. Don’t you dare. And so he doesn’t. He persists in Being Strong even to his own detriment. Even when it destroys his closest friendship. Even when it reaches the point where he can’t take joy in anything less than total victory. Even when it warps him into someone others see only as a villain. As Uncle Iroh once said, Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source.

So he tries to be tough. And he puts up an incredible fight, honestly. This thing is suffocating him. We know from Deku’s earlier POV just how painful and frightening of an experience it is. But he fights back regardless. He doesn’t give up. But he’s terrified. We can see it, in this scene, in case it wasn’t already apparent. He’s struggling, he can’t breathe, no one is helping him, everyone’s just watching. He’s not strong enough to beat this thing on his own. He’s a child, and he’s dying. Like, fuck, though.

And I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this is probably the first time in his life that Katsuki has ever actually felt helpless. All his life, he’s been afraid of being weak, but he hasn’t ever actually been weak, though. But this, now, is something he’s actually powerless against. For the first time in his life, he’s up against something that not his quirk nor his intelligence nor his sheer stubbornness can get him out of. And the ironic thing is that he’s spent his entire life mocking Deku for being useless and weak. But here, for this one critical moment, the roles are reversed. Katsuki is now the one who is powerless.

And it’s Deku who comes to save him.

Fucking look at how Horikoshi devotes an entire panel to the notebook flopping down on the ground, though. The same notebook Katsuki burned earlier that day. Because Horikoshi likes to really get in there and make you feel that searing irony deep in your bones.

Why, indeed. And we already know the answer, of course. No need to delve any deeper into that one again. Deku has many reasons, but truth be told, he only ever needed one.

That’s it. That’s all the reason he’ll ever need. No further questions asked.

And then All Might springs into action and rescues them both, and the whole dramatic scene ends. With both of my kids intact, much to my relief.

So, to recap! (1) Katsuki burns Deku’s notebook and tells him to off himself, because he’s a fucked-up little turd with a raging case of gifted child syndrome who was not thinking about any of the potential consequences of his actions, and also was just being a straight up jerk. (2) Katsuki then receives a karmic bitchslap in the form of A Giant Sludge Man, Come to Devour Him. And finally (3) Katsuki is saved by none other than the kid he was being a straight up dick to!

So after all of that, I think there’s only one thing we can say, really, and that is: Katsuki did you learn your lesson!?

KATSUKI WHY.

Lol okay, but. In all seriousness, I think it’s pretty clear here that he does realize that Deku just saved his fucking life after he, Katsuki, behaved like a piece of flaming hot garbage to him for eleven years. He understands the implications of that. Otherwise he wouldn’t have chased him down afterwards just to scream at him, “YOU ABSOLUTELY DID NOT SAVE MY LIFE!!” before stomping off to go sulk some more. Like, clearly he gets it. It’s just that his pride won’t let him acknowledge it out loud.

And it would be easy to look at this and say, “smdh, clearly he hasn’t changed a bit even after all of that.” Except that in the very next chapter,

And it would also be easy to say, “well woopty doo, he’s not actively deriding and bullying Deku anymore, finally, after a dozen years, and all it took was for Deku to save his fucking life. HOLY SHIT HOW ALTRUISTIC OF HIM, WHAT A GENEROUS FUCKING GUY, WE’RE NOT WORTHY, etc. etc.. And okay, yeah. Point made. I get it.

But still. Change is change. He realizes that what he did was wrong, and so he changes the behavior. As trivial a gesture as it might seem in comparison to the LITERAL DECADE OF ABUSE -- it’s still a gesture. It’s the start of something. A sign that he is in fact capable of learning, and that he might not be beyond redemption. And much in the same way that I won’t cancel a fourteen-year-old kid for doing shitty cruel immature fourteen-year-old kid things, I’m also not going to deride someone’s baby steps. Just because he doesn’t transform overnight into Deku’s devoted loyal follower doesn’t mean he’s not changing. It’s a process, is all. But one very much worth supporting and encouraging. Because Bakugou Katsuki plays redemption arcs on hard mode; but in spite of that, as with everything else, he plays to win. And when you’re starting from so low, the only thing you can do is rise.

Deku once said that Bakugou as a child was neither “bad” nor “good”, but that after he got his quirk, “he started down the path towards ‘bad.’” And from there, it took him another eleven years to course-correct and painfully start back on the path towards “good” again. But, crucially, he did. And that, right there, was the hardest part. Once you’re back on course, the only thing you have to do is keep moving forward, and not quit. And if there’s anything Bakugou excels at, it’s that. This one thing, he is very, very good at.

He’s still learning. But this is why we trust in the power of redemption arcs. As the saying that I just made up goes, Once a shithead, not always a shithead. You have to believe in the potential. People don’t write stories about characters who only ever stay exactly where they started from on square one. They just don’t. And Bakugou will not. He has not.

And I for one can’t wait to see the good this kid can do.

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[cummunication]

23 Lessons

Today is my birthday. 24 years of ups, downs and everything in between. 23 was a challenging year full of obstacles but needless to say, I got through it (always do). At the heart of a birthday is an opportunity to tell someone, “I’m glad you were born,” also “I’m happy you’re alive.” Despite the fact I am getting older, aging is a sign I have breath in my lungs and my heart is still beating. I am blessed for the lessons I continually learn the more time I spend on earth and the amazing people I continue to meet. So I will let my story unfold and see what 24 has in store. Every one of our stories is important and that is something worth celebrating. So here are 23 lessons I have learned over time plus 1 bonus for my birthday.

1. There is no such thing as a pain free life. Living life to the fullest requires bad experiences. In order to genuinely enjoy life, you must take the bad with the good and vice versa. “Courage is not the absence of fear.” Meaning, fear and courage co-exist. There are voices in my head that tell me to give up and I let them boss me around. Fear can be crippling and it has prevented me from doing things many years. It can seem as though everybody else is moving forward while I’m left behind. That’s terrifying. Bravery is accepting your fear and doing it anyway. 

2. It’s nearly impossible to accept love until you love yourself. For so long I pushed people away; creating walls between me and people I care about. The thought process behind this was if I did not let love in, they could not hurt me. I know letting people close is uncomfortable for me because when you’re unable to love yourself, any type of love given seems threatening. Human connection can feel repulsive and foreign when you push it away for so long. But if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to? 

3. I am not a label. Just because you’re diagnosed with something does not mean it is your identity. Having bipolar disorder does not mean I am bipolar. We are so much more than the boxes society puts us in. You need not be ashamed of your illness, mental or physical. If you wouldn’t be ashamed to tell somebody you had cancer, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed of your mental illness. 

4. All emotions are valid. Sometimes we can feel depressed and we don’t have to justify it. No matter how insignificant our feelings may seem, they are important. You are entitled to your emotions because your experiences are real. Don’t let someone tell you it’s “all in your head.” Being continuously invalidated is one of the most damaging things you can do to the psyche. However, don’t fool yourself into thinking your entitlement to emotions is entitlement to unacceptable behavior. If you hurt someone, you are accountable. We should always take responsibility for our decisions.

5. Emotions do not own me. I am guilty of letting emotions overpower me at times. It’s easy to let them take control and get flustered. Sometimes we choose our battles and sometimes, our battles choose us. There’s a quote that says “God only gives us battles he knows we can handle.” Or something to that extent. I’ve been dealt some hands in this game of life I did not want. And yet, we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Someone once said the hardest battles are given to the best warriors. Instead of asking why me? I’m learning to ask why not me?

6. There are wars we must face to uncover our full potential. And sometimes we must win without support. Meaning, it sucks when we feel misunderstood by people closest to us. We need to be “saved” because we feel we won’t make it. While guidance is always appreciated, at times, there is no hand to save us from drowning. I have learned that I can walk this road alone if I must. 

7. Everyone everywhere is going through something. Everybody is fighting their own version of hell. You never know what the person next to you is going through so try not to be an asshole. You probably have a lot more in common than you realize.

8. Quality over quantity. What good is a lot of something if the quality is shit? This especially applies to relationships. Having thousands of Facebook friend’s left me feeling empty when I had zero friends in real life. Nurture your close relationships to create strong support systems. 

9. Try to embrace the present and live less in the past/future. Basically, stop and smell the roses. When you remember to, practice mindfulness. Practice gratitude. It’s super helpful and important to appreciate all we have in our lives, good and bad. Each day I try and reflect on something I’m thankful for. It can be easy to take things for granted and focus on what we don’t have; comparing our negative to everyone else’s positive, resulting in feeling inadequate. Studies show practicing gratitude daily results in increased life satisfaction. 

10. Treat everyone you meet with respect. This is a simple rule that can be hard to implement. When people are mean spirited, it can be tempting to spew it right back. But the way we treat others says more about us than it does them. 

11. Don't sweat the small stuff. Not everything is a tragedy. I’ve spent so much time and energy on things I later realized I stressed over for no reason. I understand having anxiety can be relentless & debilitating however, we can train ourselves to prioritize what consumes the majority of our attention.

12. People are quick to judge. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people, only human. People will jump to conclusions about what you’re doing wrong & how you could be better but I’ve learned this is to take the focus off of them. I’ve come to realize it’s less important what we say and more important what we understand. That’s why we have two ears and one mouth. 

13. There’s more to being beautiful than our looks. There’s more to a person than their clothes, their car, the size of their waist, and their inherent value can never come from the outside. I’ve hated myself because of what I look like, basing my worth on my weight, if my skin is breaking out etc. Throughout my life my appearance will change but at the end of the day I am still me no matter what. Instead of aiming to be “perfect”, I now dedicate most of my awareness to how I can better myself as an intellectual. A boob job or whiting my teeth doesn’t make me more lovable. Real confidence can only come from knowing who you are. 

14. Just because I believe something is true, doesn’t mean that it is. A famous quote says “we see things not as they are, but as we are” or something like that. Thoughts are extremely powerful in affecting our beliefs and morals etc. and these are shaped by our experiences growing up/what we were taught. Nonetheless, it is helpful to question our perception of reality. I’ve been forced to challenge what I tell myself in therapy since for a long time all I told myself was that I’m fat, ugly, and useless. We do not see ourselves as others do. Something may feel true in the moment and we are entitled to our feelings but remember, we can not see it from an objective lens. Being in therapy has been especially useful in distinguishing my mental illness and me. It can be tempting to give into my ANTS when things don’t go my way, yet the older I get the better able I am to take a step back. 

15. This too shall pass. Everything is temporary. Cliche but true. I enjoy learning Buddhism since it teaches that ultimately, nothing is ours. We own nothing and have control of very little. At first glance this can seem overwhelming and depressing but it gives us a chance to live life to the fullest because, well, in 100 years we’re all going to be dead anyway so why not?! It can be nearly impossible to believe the worst moment of our lives will be a thing of the past when we are entrenched in them, but life is full of ups and downs. It helps to recall the last time I was feeling that way and remind myself I got through it, even though I doubted I would. At times I am scared of happiness in fear of it slipping away, afraid of love because I know all good things end, but living like this will prevent me from seizing opportunities and experiencing joy. Pain passes and so does happiness but when we are willing to let things go with the knowledge they return, they do infact, come back. 

16. Nobody thinks about us as much as we do. It is human nature to be all up in our head about ourselves. Humans have a tendency to be self focused and narcissistic. But when I’m feeling particularly self conscious, I tell myself nobody judges me as much as me. Basically, we are our own worst critic. We worry what others think when most likely nobody is worried about us in the first place, they are too busy worrying about themselves. Free yourself of your self scrutiny and let people think what they want. It’s more important what you think of yourself. 17. You can’t change people. I had trouble accepting I could not change my ex. We make excuses for people as to why they are like they are and remain in denial, letting love blind us and keep us in harmful situations. But sometimes love isn’t enough. You can love someone from a distance and let them go. People have to want to change themselves, you can’t do it for them. And you can’t help someone unless they are willing to help themselves. 

18. Healing is a journey that comes in many forms. Recovery is not linear and is about progress, not perfection. Self care is vital: don’t let anybody make you think taking care of yourself is selfish. You should always be your number one priority. There’s a different between self love and selfishness. 

19. Being single is nothing to frown upon. Never depend upon another to be the source of your joy. You have to get comfortable with yourself before you can ever be in a healthy, interdependent relationship. It’s totally normal to want to be in a relationship but it’s another to need to be in one. I would so much rather be alone than in a relationship out of desperation or loneliness. Celebrate your single-hood and take it as a time to enjoy your independence and self discovery. After all, love comes when you least expect it. 

20. Boundaries are necessary. We can’t be truly vulnerable and deeply intimate with someone without clear communication and setting boundaries. I was and still am to an extent, very bad at this. I tend to be an enabler, a doormat, a people pleaser. I want to avoid conflict and not rock the boat so I just say yes to everything. But something I’ve learned is to never destroy yourself in aims to make others happy. It is never worth sacrificing your own peace of mind to try and appease somebody else. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and your sanity is what’s most important. Trust your intuition; your gut instinct is almost always right and can never lead you wrong. If you don’t want to do something say no! If you want to do something, say yes! Speak up! Setting boundaries and speaking your truth is hard but imperative if you want to have genuine, equal relationships. If not, you will be full of resentment, take it from me. I’ve learned the truth always comes out one way or another anyway, and people respect those who respect themselves enough to be honest. Besides, the most kind people are those who are in touch with themselves and can be assertive in a caring way.

21. Forgiveness is one of the hardest but most crucial steps to happiness. I’m not saying it is necessary to automatically forgive every person who wronged you, trust me I know how shitty it is. But at least have the intent to, at least be open to it. It’s hard to be free until you release the chains of hate from your heart. We may have to continuously address this searing emotional pain and continually work on it but be aware that holding on to past traumas does not prevent them from occurring in the future. While experiences makes us grow, holding things against people only makes us weak and bitter. It’s something I’m still working on, but I know the more I try to forgive people who have scarred me, the less power I give them. 

22. That being said, even though certain events may make us feel powerless, our power can never be taken from us. I have dealt with many tragedies in my 24 years. I have felt hopeless, out of control, victimized, helpless and everywhere in between. People may have broken my heart and crushed my spirit, but they can never destroy my soul. They can never touch me at the core of who I am. And the same goes for you. 

23. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to eliminate anybody or anything from our lives that makes us feel less than, or less powerful than we really are. Cutting out toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional people is the biggest favor you can do for yourself and you will see immediate change. 

BONUS - We are never alone, no matter how isolated we may feel. There are people out there who feel the same as you. Find your tribe. Reach out for help. Speak up. You are worth it. 

Each time a birthday passes we can take it as an opportunity to reflect and celebrate. It’s a chance to celebrate your story and to give those struggling a chance to find hope in that we can survive all that questions our strength. No matter where life has taken me or what I come across this year, I know for the most part, my worst days are behind me. I have the tools and insight to survive almost anything that crosses my path and with that, I can make light out of the darkest nights. I am a survivor, and so are you.

[welllpthisishappening]

A Touch of (March) Madness (1/2)

Emma can't quite remember how it started or why it happened, just that it did and she wants to win. Desperately. To prove something. Probably.

Or just to beat Killian. Either or. It doesn't matter.

She's picked her teams and her upsets and she's got a string of trash talk ready for any potential on-court situation. They're not playing the game, but they're playing a game and this one might change everything.

Rating: Teen’ish. Trash talking requires swearing.  Word Count: 9.1K HA.  AN: I owe @laurnorder​ my fic-writing soul, so when she texted me a couple weeks ago and was like...”It’s March, I think you should write basketball fic,” I was like...ok. And because I cannot rationalize Killian Jones playing basketball unless he’s some kind of JJ Reddick-type asshole, here are a lot of words about over-competitive friends and brackets and (maybe my very specific, personal) college basketball opinions. I will be honest and tell you guys this is definitely the most sports niche’y thing I have written and you probably need a general working knowledge of what the NCAA Tournament is, but there’s banter and eventual makeouts because of who I am as a person. Thank you, as always, to @distant-rose​ & @katie-dub​ for being endless sources of support and general fantastic’ness.  Also on Ao3 if that’s how you roll.

Selection Sunday

“Can you just pick?”

“No.” “No? Did you tell me that you can’t pick? Are you physically incapable of making your picks then? Because that would almost explain some of your choices last year.” Killian doesn’t lift his head up, keeping his eyes trained on the small stack of papers in front of him and Emma cannot sigh loudly enough. His lips twitch slightly.

“This is not that hard,” she says and it’s hardly the first time she’s told him that, but it doesn’t seem to be making much of a difference and it’s nearly eleven o’clock at night.

“You say that like you’ve got a title to defend, Swan,” Killian mutters. “This is a tried and true system with several minutes of actual research put into it and long-standing biases that have helped shape the sport for what it is.” “Overflowing with controversy?” Emma asks glibly, jumping onto the edge of the counter and kicking out towards him. “Deception? Disgrace?” “You’re trying to goad me into quoting something, it’s not going to work.”

She sighs, but she absolutely was and his pen sounds impossibly loud in the otherwise relative silence of the apartment. Mary Margaret fell asleep hours ago.

“That’s stupid,” Emma grumbles, drawing a quiet laugh out of Killian and she probably should have left already. She’s not sure why she hasn’t. Well, no, that’s a lie, but her apartment is far enough uptown that it’s probably better if she takes an Uber and she’s fairly certain they’re doing construction on the 2-train anyway.

Killian will probably make her take an Uber.

David’s probably got it on speed dial already.

“You really haven’t picked yet?” Emma continues and Killian shakes his head slowly, eyes darting up and she’s glad she’s already sitting down. “That’s also stupid. What’s your system, then?” “Excuse me?” “You said you had a tried and true system, explain it then, o ye master of competition.” Killian smirks, one eyebrow pulled dangerously high and Emma knows she’s not going to get an answer. “You know, I’m starting to think your compliments are ringing a little hollow there, Swan. I’ll admit that’s disappointing, but, again, I’ve got a title to defend and I’ll probably feel a lot better when I beat you all this year. Again. As per usual.”

He tugs a different pen from behind his ear – Emma dimly remembers something about color coding and possible upsets getting a different ink, but she’s fairly certain that it’s all conjecture just to annoy her. His tongue is pressed into the corner of his mouth and it’s as infuriating as it is distracting because he’s absolutely right.

They’ve been at it for what has felt like actual days, crowding, as tradition dictates, onto the couch in Mary Margaret and David’s apartment for the selection show

And, as tradition dictates, they complain about every single seed and the pros and cons of Syracuse making it again – ”They finished tenth in the ACC, that’s just insulting to the rest of the field. “We know, David.” “What even is an Orange? That’s a fruit. That’s not a mascot. That’s not intimidating me at all.” We know, David.” “If I were Mt. St. Mary’s, I’d sue.” “We know, David.” – and eat a questionable amount of Indian food from the place that is, technically, closer to Killian’s apartment, but he knows their orders by heart now and he got Emma an extra samosa, so she’s not ever going to complain.

Unless it’s about how goddamn long it’s taking him to fill out his bracket.

It’s March and there’s still, somehow, snow on the ground in New York, but Emma’s just brought in some perp she’d been trailing for the last month and she’s got the next week off. It is, officially, the most wonderful time of the year.

And she can’t even really remember how it all started.

Technically, it probably started when she landed in the Nolan house several decades before, a vaguely jaded orphan no one had ever really wanted until Ruth Nolan did and decided, quite quickly, to give Emma the world.

And a brother she didn’t ask for.

Emma and David didn’t get along at first. They argued and bickered and they were the same age and he had that annoying, incredibly nice friend who lived down the street in Storybrooke who, at one point, Emma was convinced could talk to birds.

Emma was a frustrated, bitter eleven-year-old and the new girl again and Storybrooke, as far as she was concerned, was the absolutely worst. Until she tried to run away – and Mary Margaret found her.

It was Mary Margaret’s birthday and Emma couldn’t stomach the idea of another party and another town event at Granny’s and she slipped out the backdoor and...couldn’t get any farther. Mary Margaret showed up, exactly, twenty-seven minutes later to find Emma huddled in the corner of the alley, shoulders shaking and disappointment looming over her like a storm cloud and she did the single most Mary Margaret thing that Mary Margaret had ever done.

She hugged her.

And then went to bring her a slice of ice cream cake.

It got better after that.

Mary Margaret kept smiling and, presumably, talking to birds and Emma stopped picking fights with David just because he was there.

They were some kind of three-headed monster – never more than a few feet apart and speaking in blinks and tilts of heads when they had to and no one was surprised to discover that all three of them applied to the same school.

Xavier.

Naturally. They were already like the three musketeers.

And it was good and great and a slew of other adjectives for three musketeers who’d never really experienced the world, until David got assigned a new roommate second semester freshman year and Emma Swan hated Killian Jones with a passion strong enough to rival several suns.

He hated her right back.

Loudly. With a string of curses that regularly made Mary Margaret blush and left David smacking Killian’s shoulder, mumbling that’s my sister, man under his breath.

He was smug and far too good looking and he did that thing with his eyebrow that made Emma’s stomach twist and she would show up in his room unannounced and laugh when he couldn't quite scrape by a passing grade in that one business class they both took together.

The good looking thing wasn’t important.

And the bracket thing had been Mary Margaret’s idea.

Naturally. Again.

“Maybe if we’re doing something fun, you won’t hate him so much,” Mary Margaret reasoned and Emma hadn’t argued, much, because it was a chance to beat Killian Jones at something and then make sure he never forgot about it for the rest of his life.

Only Killian Jones was, actually, really, really good at picking teams in the goddamn NCAA Tournament.

“He’s some kind of soothsayer, I swear,” Emma shouted, her own bracket torn to shreds  and she still hated him, but he was always around and Mary Margaret and David had started acknowledging the longing looks they kept sending each other’s way that January.

“I think he’s got an algorithm or something,” David muttered.

Emma spun on the spot, glaring metaphorical daggers because she didn’t have any real daggers, and Killian held his hands up in mock surrender.

“There’s no algorithm,” he said. “Just a very good gut instinct and proclivity to being right.”

“God, you’re such an ass,” Emma groaned. “I bet you’re the only person in the country who picked that upset.” He shrugged.

And defended his inaugural title. For three years straight.

No one ever asked if they wanted to keep going, even after college and jobs and life, but no one asked if they all wanted to move to New York City either.

It just kind of happened.

And Emma just kind of stopped hating Killian.

He got under her skin. Or something less disgusting.

“Swan,” Killian says, jerking her out of memories and back to reality and she has no idea where she actually put her bracket.

“Yeah,” she mumbles and he’s smiling at her. Not smirking. No stupid eyebrow thing. A real, genuine smile and she wonders when that started making her breath catch and her eyes widen just a bit. “Here,” she adds when he stands up, eyeing her like she’s lost her mind. She might have. It’s probably with her bracket.

“I can see that. Although here seems a bit more physical and a hell of a lot less mental.” “Was that an insult? That sounded incredibly insulting.” Killian shakes his head, crossing the tiny space masquerading as a kitchen in three steps and his hand lands on her knee like there are magnets involved. “Not an insult,” he promises. “A genuine show of concern when you look like you’re trying to teleport back home.” “None of these words are making sense the way you’re saying them.” “Sounds like a sign.” “And an insult,” Emma hisses, kicking him in the shin. That feels a bit more normal. “Are you finally done?” “Mmhm.” “That’s awfully smug.” There’s the eyebrow arch.

“You’ve got quite a few opinions on my bracket, Swan,” Killian says and he’s started tapping his fingers on her jeans. Emma swallows. “I think it’s a defense mechanism.” “I think you’re refusing to talk about your so-called methods for picking teams because you know your good luck has finally run out and you’re nervous about what will happen if you don’t live up to expectations.”

She regrets the words as soon as they’re out of her mouth, Killian’s fingers going deathly still when her mouth snaps closed and Emma bites her tongue to stop herself from doing anything else quite that stupid – like crying while sitting on the counter in David and Mary Margaret’s apartment.

And maybe she knows exactly when she stopped hating Killian.

“Purdue,” he says, ducking into her eye line and Emma has to blink, at least, sixty-seven times because the whole thing is ridiculous.

“What?” “Purdue. I picked Purdue to win.” “For real?” Killian tilts his head. “Why would I lie about that?” “I honestly have no idea, “ Emma admits. “But I’ve kind of lost track of the conversation and...honestly, Purdue though?” “You have something against Purdue, Swan?”

“No,” she snaps, shoving lightly at his shoulder and his gasps like it actually hurt. His hand is still on her knee. “But, like, why?” “That seems to fall decidedly in the realm of giving away my plan.”

Emma groans loudly, drawing a set of footsteps that were absolutely eavesdropping on the conversation and David hands her the bracket she filled out hours ago as soon as he’s within arms reach.

Killian’s hand is gone.

That’s fine. It’s fine. Cool. Totally cool. God, she can’t believe she just thought that.  

“You’re going homer again, this year, huh, Em?” David asks, phone already out and she nods so he can order her the goddamn Uber.

She scowls, eyes darting Killian’s direction before she can stop herself and he’s trying very hard not to smirk at her. It’s not really working.

“I am going with a potential winner this year,” Emma corrects archly. “If it just so happens that I pick our alma mater, then, you know, so be it. It’s their year.” “Did the boosters get you to say that?” “How far do you have them going?” "Far.” “That’s not an answer,” she mutters, but it sounds more like a growl and they’re definitely going to wake Mary Margaret up at some point. “When did we all decide to descend into secrecy over our brackets? M’s told me as she was filling hers out.” “That’s because Mary Margaret is not trying to win,” Killian points out. One of the pens is back behind his ear, arms crossed lightly over his chest and there’s really not enough room for all of them in this quasi-kitchen.

Emma rolls her eyes, but it’s probably true and Mary Margaret regularly makes her picks based on nicknames, color schemes and the overall creepiness of mascots.

She’s never picked Providence. Ever.

“Whatever,” Emma mutters. “We’ve all reached a brand-new level of super strange competitiveness. I picked Xavier to win, not just because we all possess degrees from that school and they’ve now started calling asking for money, which I think is a sign of actual adulthood, but because they’ve got a good team this year and I genuinely believe they can win a national championship.”

“Because it’s their year, right?” David asks and he can’t quite keep the laughter out of his voice. Emma flips him off. “Honestly though, Em, tell me something. Did you...did you rehearse that?” “Oh my God, you’re even worse than him.”

She jerks her hand in Killian’s direction and he makes a good show of being affronted, but there’s something lingering just on the edge of his expression that makes her wonder all sorts of things she shouldn’t even be thinking.

“These insults, Swan,” Killian grins. “And you do remember that Xavier lost to Villanova twice this year, right?”

“Villanova lost to St. John’s. At home. When they were the top team in the country.” “That’s a good point,” David mumbles, but Killian and Emma both wave him off and this is almost, painfully, normal. “Xavier still won the Big East outright,” she argues. “First time in like...I don’t know, whatever it was historic.” “Not the tournament and if you’re going to bring up facts, you need them to be accurate. That’s arguing one-oh-one..” “Why are you so against a Xavier run?” “I’m not,” he says. “I’m simply pointing out that Xavier has a habit of fucking up once they get to the later rounds. It happens every year.” “If you say tried and true I will get off this counter and punch you right in the face.”

Killian laughs, head thrown back and shoulders shaking and Mary Margaret makes noise from wherever she fell asleep. Hours ago. “I wasn’t going to,” he says lightly and maybe Emma’s got food poisoning from that extra samosa. It would explain whatever is going on with her brain and her thought processes and whatever her whole being does as soon as Killian’s hand lands on her knee. “These are just facts, Swan. And David picked Arizona.” “What?” Emma gasps, laughing as well when David starts cursing Killian to several different underworlds. “Oh my God, David, seriously? You want to talk about a team that disappoints regularly. Plus all that off-court shit! No way they even make the Sweet 16.” “They’ve got the best freshman in the country,” David reasons. “This is a sound choice. And I’m doing some kind of thing this year.”

Mary Margaret pads into the kitchen when Emma can’t bring herself to stop laughing, a blanket tugged tightly around her shoulders and sleep clinging to every one of her movements. “It’s a Wildcat movement,” she mumbles. “He’s picking Wildcat teams this year.” “What?” Emma asks. Killian is barely standing up.

“Wildcats. He's picking as many Wildcats teams because he thinks it’s funny.” “And because it makes sense,” David adds sharply, rolling his shoulder when Emma grips it to try and stay upright. “Or it would have if I’d been able to get it to work, but Midwest doesn’t have any Wildcats--” “What team,” Emma interrupts and Mary Margaret drops her blanket when she starts laughing, shouting back Wildcats on cue.

David rolls his eyes. “Anyway,” he continues pointedly. “I got three of four, so that’s a majority and it’s totally going to work because an Arizona and Villanova final is not only probable, I’m guaranteeing it.” “Wow, talking a big game.” “I’m confident. That’s all. And I’m tired of Jones winning every goddamn year, so I’m willing to do whatever it takes. “It’s not going to work,” Killian says easily and the other pen is in his back pocket. Emma can feel Mary Margaret staring at her. “I’ve got a system. And I’ve got consistency on my side. And nicknames or mascots or whatever don’t have anything to do with it.”

“Yeah, yeah, so you’re always saying,” David grumbles. “You know what? Get out of my apartment and take your research with you because I’m not walking down the hall to put that in the garbage disposal.” “I mean, it should probably be recycling, right?” Emma asks, sliding off the counter and she’s suddenly far closer to Killian that she anticipated. She’s ninety-two percent positive he moved.

“You can get out of my apartment too. Your car is here, anyway.” “Ok, well, that’s rude, but thanks for the ride. Go back to sleep, M’s.”

Mary Margaret salutes, already halfway down the hallway and Emma glances Killian’s direction before she can lose her nerve. “You want a ride?” He blinks, like he’s trying to make sure he heard her right, and Emma chews on the inside of her lip, willing her stomach to act like an actual part of human anatomy.

He nods before he answers.

“Yeah, sure, Swan,” Killian says, grabbing his stack of paperwork and his ridiculous number of pens and they both sit in the backseat of an Uber on their way uptown.

They don’t say anything for the first dozen or so blocks, a companionable silence Emma never would have considered possible when she was a sophomore in college and spent most of her free time trying to figure out what Killian’s deal was.

She’s still not entirely sure she knows.

It’s a work in progress.

Or something.

Whatever.

“I can hear you thinking,” Killian says, gaze flitting her direction. “It’s very loud.” Emma bites her lip – mostly so she won’t smile and he won’t lord that over her for the rest of time. “Is it distracting?” she asks, but it feels like a much bigger question.

“No. Just general curiosity.”

“Because you claim to hear my thoughts. That’s...you know that’s weird, right?” “Only because you’re making it weird,” Killian challenges and they’re at his apartment already. Emma’s not disappointed by that. God, she needs to sleep for the entire week she’s off. She can’t. She’s got basketball to watch.

And a bracket to defend.

“God,” Emma sighs, rolling her head on the back of the seat and top of her hair is damp from resting on the window. “Do you have to be right about absolutely everything? Or do you just get a kick out of arguing with me?” “Did you just use the phrase get a kick, Swan? That’s...did we teleport in this Uber?” “Get out.” “I’m asking a genuine question.” “And I’m telling you to get out.”

He blinks, lips pressed together tightly enough that it’s difficult to make them out in the dim light from the street lamps and the Uber driver is getting more and more pissed off by the second. And suddenly it’s like that day and Killian’s face does something stupid, softens or settles more into him, like he’s seeing Emma for the first time and pleasantly surprised to find her there.

She’s going to bite her lip in half.

“You know I’ve got Friday off,” he says and maybe they did teleport.

Emma lowers her eyebrows, tilting her slightly and if he doesn’t stop smiling at her she’s going to get out of the Uber and walk the rest of the way home. “What does that mean?” “Are you confused by the words or…” “God, stop being a dick!”

The Uber driver snorts.

Killian glares at him.

“I’m saying that I know you caught that guy last week and now August requires you to take at least five days off to recoup or make sure you actually get the kind of sleep a human being needs to function. Which means that you, presumably, will be home screaming at your TV--” “--I don’t scream at my TV.”

“Swan, sometimes you get up and actually try and play defense with the team. It might be my favorite thing you do.” “Ok, well, if this is just some twisted way for you to make fun of my questionable interest in college basketball then…”

Emma trails off when she notices the look on his face – another expression she’ll probably file away in that metaphorical file she’s absolutely, positively not keeping because they’re kind of friends now and that’s cool.

She can’t believe she just thought the word cool.

“What?” Emma asks, the word coming out like a whisper and her lip is bleeding.

“I wouldn’t do that, Swan.

“Anymore.” He shakes his head, the muscles in his throat moving when he swallows and maybe whatever place they’ve teleported to has slightly brighter street lamps because the blue in his eyes seems to get sharper when he looks up at her.

“No,” Killian says. “Not anymore.” “So...was there an offer or an invitation in there or…” He grins. “I’ve got Friday off and I know you’ve got Friday off and I’ve got a better takeout selection than you do.” “See, you’ve just gotta add in those last, little insults don’t you?”

“You blink quicker when you get angry, did you know that?”

Emma shoves at his shoulder, like that will do anything at all, but he’s always had impossibly quick reflexes and she’s not even surprised when his fingers wrap around her wrist. She’s a bit more surprised by whatever her heart does in response and she’s fairly certain it’s the most he’s ever touched her in a 24-hour span. Or, like, a two-hour span.

“You want me to come here on Friday so we can watch basketball together?” Emma asks skeptically. Killian’s nodding before she can get the question out, eyes a hint wider when he tries to speak without actually speaking. “I think your team plays on Friday.” “I’m aware of the schedule, Swan. Xavier does too.” “It’s weird that you’ve memorized it already.” He hums noncommittally, but he really does have better takeout near his apartment and an exceptionally good coffee maker that Emma will undoubtedly use several times and, well, it might be kind of nice.

They’re friends now.

They spend time together. On their own. It’ll be fine.

Cool. It’ll be cool. Cool, cool, cool.

“Was anyone actually going to get out of the car or….” the Uber driver starts and Emma can’t quite mask her laugh. “Because I’ve got other fares I could be taking and…” “Yeah, yeah, I’m leaving,” Killian promises, twisting behind him to open the door and it’s fucking freezing outside. He glances back at Emma, one leg on the sidewalk already. “Friday?” There’s something just on the edge of that too, but Emma can’t quite figure it out and the Uber driver is the single most impatient person on the planet. She nods before she can come up with any of the reasons it will not be cool.

“Yeah,” she says. “Friday.”

He flashes her a smile, rolling his eyes at whatever noise the Uber driver makes when he kicks at the door and Emma’s fairly positive she doesn’t mishear him when he leaves, the quiet see you later, love ringing in her ears for the rest of the night.

  The Play-In Games

David Nolan, Tuesday, 7:53 p.m.: Did we know that LIU Brooklyn was in the tournament? Emma Swan, 7:54 p.m.: It’s a play-in game it doesn’t count.

David Nolan, 7:55 p.m.: Also, what channel is TruTV?

Emma Swan, 7:55 p.m.: I’ll repeat myself.

Mary Margaret Blanchard, 7:56 p.m.: They’re playing a game, it definitely counts! They’re doing their best. And almost winning, kind of. Emma Swan, 7:57 p.m.: They are not almost winning. Where is LIU in Brooklyn? Shouldn’t it be...on Long Island.

Emma Swan, 8 p.m.: ????

Killian Jones, 8:01 p.m.: It’s right near Barclays.

Emma Swan, 8:03 p.m.: Why do you know that? Who knows that? No one. No one knows that.

Killian Jones, 8:04 p.m.: I know everything. You know this, Swan.

David Nolan, 8:07 p.m.: Guys. Seriously. This is a group text.

Emma Swan, 8:08 p.m.: Did you pick them?

Emma Swan, 8:15 p.m.: ……. Honestly, Jones? The tournament has started you can tell us who you picked.

Emma Swan, 8:17 p.m.: Killian, seriously!

David Nolan, 8:18 p.m.: This. Is. A. Group. Text.  

Emma scowls when LIU Brooklyn shoots like garbage in the second half and loses its opening-round game and she’s already picked one team wrong, which doesn’t seem like a very good sign. Her phone dings almost immediately.

Killian Jones, 8:59 p.m.: I didn’t pick them. Did you?

Blackbirds are stupid mascots.

David Nolan, Wednesday, 11:37 p.m.: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ORANGE, ANYWAY?!?

Killian Jones, 11:38 p.m.: Bahahahahahahahahaha.

David Nolan, 11:40 p.m.: Screw you, Killian.

Emma Swan, 11:42 p.m.: Did you put a period after your maniacal laughter?

Killian Jones, 11:44 p.m.: Proper punctuation is important when you’re lording your basketball-picking ability over your lesser competition, Swan. And I take offense at maniacal. It was reserved, at worst.

Emma Swan, 11:44 p.m.: Think very highly of yourself, don’t you?

Killian Jones, 11:45 p.m.: The Pac-12 is garbage. ASU was never going to win. Syracuse plays in the ACC. Strength of schedule is important.

Killian Jones, 11:45 p.m.: Plus, no college kid knows how to play against a zone.

Emma Swan, 11:46 p.m.: You shoot out of it. That’s just...that’s basic.

Killian Jones, 11:47 p.m.: Tell Arizona State that.

David Nolan, 11:49 p.m.: This. Is. A. Group. Text.

 The First Round, Thursday, Day One

Emma sinks into the corner of her couch, hair still a bit damp from the shower she probably should have taken hours before, but she’s officially in basketball mode and basketball mode requires her to be as lazy as humanly possible while watching college-age kids be the exact opposite for the next twelve hours.

It sounds weirder out loud than it does in her head.

LIU Brooklyn was the only misstep in her First Four picks and, really, that was more of a technicality because most brackets don’t require First Four picks, but they’re all a bunch of over-competitive weirdos and they do it anyway.

She still has no idea what Killian’s bracket looks like.

It’s probably frustratingly accurate, but there are sixteen games that day which means there are sixteen chances for him to be wrong, which is really all she wants.

And maybe she’s the most competitive weirdo of all.

Because Emma really, really likes winning and she liked it a hell of a lot more the one time she beat Killian the first March after undergrad, but she doesn’t hate Killian nearly as much as she did before.

It's a very confusing sentence and a very confusing thought and she needs to watch some of these games to distract her from whatever her mind has been doing over the last few days – replaying that Uber ride and the slight shake in his voice when he asked about Friday, like he was scared she’d say no or like, maybe, it meant something good and big and important and it felt a bit like déjà vu because his voice had done the same, exact thing when she decided she didn’t hate him.

He’d just defended his championship, making sure to point it out as often and loudly as possible, a few days into April and Emma desperately needed the Benadryl she knew David kept in a box under his bed in the apartment just off campus.

She considered going back to her own room – only a few blocks away with her own stock of Benadryl because pollen seemed to exist only to ruin her life every April – but Emma was fairly convinced her nose was about to fall off and she was walking through the door before she even realized she’d taken her key out.

And Killian nearly ran her over as soon as she walked through the threshold.

“Swan,” he slurred, eyes a bit glazed and an actual bottle in his hand. He wobbled when he stopped to glare at her, a sneer to his lips that had become almost too familiar at that point. “What are you doing here?” Emma shook her head, kicking back to close the door and Killian winced when it slammed into its frame. “What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked, reaching out to tug the bottle out of his hand. He tightened his hold. “It’s like...two in the afternoon.” “Ah, well, then we’ve clearly fallen behind schedule. You want a drink, love? There’s a few options in the kitchen, although I’m not willing to share the rum.” “Not your love,” she said, mostly out of habit and he stumbled when she took another step towards him. “Seriously, what the hell is going on with you? You can’t even stand up straight.”

“That, my dear, is the point.” Emma glared, pressing her tongue on the inside of her cheek and it probably would have been intimidating if she didn’t sneeze very loudly two seconds later. It shook through whole body, leaving her sniffling and red-nosed and Killian was staring at her like she’d been replaced with a cyborg as soon as she lifted her head up.

“What?” Emma grumbled, sniffling again.

Killian opened his mouth, only to close it three more times and Emma realized, rather suddenly, that they’d never really had a conversation about….anything. They’d circled around each other for more than a year and had almost gotten the hang of small talk when David and Mary Margaret started making eyes at each other, but there was no depth to any of it.

She’d never asked about his hand – the prosthetic at the end of his left arm catching her attention the very first time she met him, but David had glared at her and the questions got caught in her throat and no one ever gave her an explanation. She’d never even really asked how he ended up at Xavier or why he was a year older than all of them with far fewer credits and he kept taking six classes a semester.

She hadn’t really ever bothered.

That felt decidedly….wrong.

Killian had, simply, come blazing into their lives like some kind of dying star or possibly a comet and Emma didn’t know enough about space to make those kinds of comparisons, but the dying part seemed particularly apt at the moment.

“David’s not here,” Killian said softly, a note of something that might have been disappointment in his voice. “He and Mary Margaret had class and then they were going somewhere to be painfully adorable so…” “So you decided to drink your entire alcohol supply?” “No, no, that had nothing to do with their proclivity to romance. Quite the opposite, in fact.” “That was a lot of very fancy words for a guy who’s having a difficult time staying upright,” Emma pointed out, tapping her finger lightly on his chest and it looked like he’d frozen. “Honestly, you’re really not going to tell me what’s going on with you?” Killian tilted his head, gaze a hint sharper than it had been a moment before and Emma bit her lip. Tightly. “It’s not exactly like we’re friends, Swan. Or even acquaintances, really. You tolerate at me, at best.”

“Ok, well, you don’t really like me either,” Emma argued. “You think I’m…” “What? Please. Tell me exactly what I think about you.”

She stomped her foot, growling low in the back of her throat and Killian did something absolutely ridiculous with his eyebrows. “Fine, fine,” she hissed. “You want to get blasted in the middle of the afternoon, fine. I couldn't care less. I came here to steal some of David’s allergy medicine because the world is attacking me. So I will go get that and then you can get back to your one-person pity party of whatever it is you’re being pitiful about.”

Emma nodded once, like that had won whatever argument they’d been staging, stepping around him towards David’s room, but she barely made it one step before Killian’s fingers wrapped around her shoulder.

“Did you say the world was attacking you?” he asked and it was the last question she expected.

“Yeah. I’m, uh...super allergic to pollen. Spring is, like, my own personal brand of hell.” Killian hummed, taking another swig of whatever was in the bottle – the label had peeled off at some point – before offering it to her. “It’s almost better than Benadryl,” he said and it felt like a much bigger offer.

She took the bottle and the rum – it was rum, incredibly good rum that probably cost a questionable amount of money – shivering when it burned the back of her throat and settled in the pit of her stomach and it almost felt like she could breathe a little better.

“He really never told you?” Killian continued softly. “David, I mean. He knows...the whole thing.” Emma shook her head. “David wouldn’t do that. Not if you didn’t want him to.” “Well, I mean, they’re dead, so it’s not as if they’re going to be offended by me talking about them behind their back.” “What?” “There really is almost a reasonable explanation for the alcohol.”

“Ok,” Emma muttered, nodding in the direction of the second-hand couch in the corner of the room. “But we really should sit down for this because you honestly look like shit and I don’t know that I’ll be able to do anything if you fall over.” Killian scoffed, but he didn’t argue and they spent the next forty-six and a half minutes sitting on opposite sides of the couch, passing the bottle back and forth and he told her everything.

He told her about Liam and Milah and the accident that took both of them at the same time and how he was fairly positive it was some kind of absurd joke when he woke up in the hospital bed, eighteen years old with one less hand than he expected.

He told her about getting out of that town and trying to decide what do next and how to honor both of them without living in the past.

It wasn’t easy, but there were classes and loans and his brother always thought Killian could do anything, so he figured he might as well. He ended up at Xavier by chance, a scholarship that just sort of landed in his lap and a business program that was good and great and a slew of other adjectives that might have included insane because--

“Liam would have been thirty today,” Killian said, taking his time on the words and he kept staring at a piece of string on the one couch cushion in between them. “And he would have hated that I did…” He waved his hand through the air, as if that was enough description, smiling softly when Emma pulled the bottle back to her side of the couch. “But I woke up this morning and I got another shit grade in that marketing class and I can’t…” “So then don’t,” Emma shrugged. Her words felt heavy, hanging on the tip of her tongue and jumbling in the air and Killian stared at her like she was that cyborg again.

“What?”

“Don’t,” she repeated. “Do something else.” “Like...what?” “Anything. You’re minoring in something, right?” Killian nodded slowly, groaning when she wouldn’t relinquish control of the bottle. They’d put quite a dent in it. “Classics,” he said. “You know...Greeks and myths and that kind of thing.” “So do that.” “That’s not really how it works, Swan. And this is sounding incredibly out of character. I wasn’t aware you were so positive.” “Ok, first of all, that’s rude and, second of all, I have known Mary Margaret for nearly a decade now, so some of that is bound to rub off. And third of--” “--There’s a third thing?” Killian asked incredulously and he grinned when Emma stuck her tongue out.

“There would be if you’d let me finish,” she muttered. “Everything you’ve just told me about your brother makes it seem like he was Mary Margaret levels of supportive, right?” Killian hummed again. Emma rolled her eyes. “So then he thought you should major in business because, what, there were careers in it?” Killian shrugged.

“God, you’re the most frustrating drunk in the world, you know that? We’ll go with that theory for now because there are also jobs in the classics and you could...I don’t know, you could teach or something.” “What?” “We are going in circles.” Killian shook his head, like he was trying to work through some more fog or metaphorical cobwebs and Emma felt the muscles in her face shift. She was smiling.

She was smiling at him.

“I just think you could do it,” she said, absolutely ignoring whatever Killian’s entire being did as soon as the words fell out of her. She took another swig of rum. “And I bet your brother would have too. You shouldn’t have to be worried about a marketing grade.”

He didn’t say anything for several days, at least, and Emma had never been particularly good at patience and she wasn’t entirely prepared for--

“I’m sorry,” Killian whispered, leaning forward to rest his hand on one of her knees. Emma suddenly felt far more drunk than she was. “For, well, for all of it. Being a dick and...being a dick.”

Emma’s smile widened, ducking her head and she sneezed when her hair brushed her nose. “Yeah, me too,” she said. “Truce?” She stuck her hand out and, eventually, she’d blame the rum and whatever he was doing with his face, but in the moment it made a hell of a lot of sense and Killian’s fingers were warm.

“Truce,” he echoed.

Emma never got the Benadryl, but they finished the rum and Mary Margaret’s laughter woke both of them up where they’d fallen asleep on the couch.

He changed his major two days later.

And, now, Emma can’t stop thinking about that day and what it meant or, maybe, means because things got better, but Killian is still David’s friend and Emma is still David’s sister and she’s definitely thinking about this way too much.

Particularly when there’s an upset brewing.

“Oh shit,” Emma breathes, reaching for her phone because she totally picked this one. She absolutely picked this one. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon,” she mutters and patience is still not one of her strong suits.

He picks up on the third ring.

“What?” Killian whispers. “Is someone dead?” Emma nearly drops her phone. “No, what? Why?” “Swan, it is four in the afternoon. I have class. I am in class.” “Why did you answer your phone, then?” “You called me, love,” he says like it’s obvious and it kind of is and it makes every single one of her internal organs do something stupid. “So just to double check. No one is dead? David and Mary Margaret are fine?” “Presumably.” “Swan.” “Yes,” Emma sighs. “David and Mary Margaret are both fine. I just...well, it sounds stupid now. Are you actually in class? Aren’t there rules about that?”

“In a normal class, sure, but I’m a fantastic professor and my rules are much cooler than a normal class. And,” he adds, ignoring her not-so-quiet laughter completely. “It’s March, Swan. Early’ish March. There are midterms, you know.”

“Is that why you have tomorrow off?” “Mmmhmmm.”

“Oh, shit, does it make me a bad friend that I didn’t know that?” “I don’t expect you to have my schedule memorized, love.”

That’s two loves in the same conversation and, maybe, three in the last week and it’s not like Emma’s counting, but she isn’t not counting and--

“Yeah, but I feel like I should know that,” she continues. “Are you talking on the phone with me in the middle of a midterm? Because that’s also kind of shitty.” “I went outside. Figured if there was some kind of death notice imminent then I should be away from the prying eyes of undergrads.” “That is...morbid.” Killian laughs and Emma’s organs are just, like, on fire at that point. “I’ve been reading a lot of essays about the Underworld recently. It’s put me in a mood.” “Maybe I should bring more alcohol tomorrow.” “I wouldn’t say no, although we probably should wait until the later games for that, don’t you think?”

“Look at you, a picture of responsibility,” Emma says and her cheeks are starting to ache. She refuses to acknowledge the symmetry of her thoughts and their current conversation and he never brought it up again.  

He just changed majors and started taking more classes and went to grad school and he had a satchel now. She teased him about it mercilessly.

“Sometimes,” Killian admits. "Why’d you call, Swan?” “Did you pick Loyola Chicago?”

“Excuse me?” “First-round games. Loyola Chicago. Did you pick them beating Miami because they just beat Miami. I know you didn’t pick this so--” “--Of course I did.”

Emma blinks. “What?” “I definitely picked them. I think they could make a run. How’d they win?” “No, no, you don’t get that,” Emma mutters and he’s laughing again, free and easy and she wishes he were there. So she could kick him. Or something else. Whatever. “You can’t be serious. What the fuck is Loyola Chicago even?” “Presumably it’s a school,” he reasons. “And you might want to watch that, Swan because my research shows they’ve got some kind of nun on their side and I don’t think you want to jinx yourself like that.” “I’m going to murder you.” “You’ve just jinxed it.”

Emma makes some kind of noise in the back of her throat and it’s not particularly human, but it draws another laugh out of Killian and at least she also picked the upset. “I can’t believe you researched Loyola Chicago,” she says. “Why?” “Swan, we’ve been over this, there’s a system and it’s tried and true and I’m sharing it with you. Also Miami has been streaky all season. That was an easy upset.”

“Of course it was.” “Anything else to report?” “Don’t you have some kind of internal update that lets you know when your bracket stays perfect? That way your ego never takes a hit?” “That’s rude, Swan. And, no, I don’t. C’mon, update me.”

She does – spends the next five minutes giving him a run down of the early games and the pros and cons of Trae Young leaving Oklahoma after his first year, of which there are many because his jump shot is off sometimes, Killian, you know it, I know it, NBA front office knows it and she’s almost surprised when he mutters that he has to actually go acknowledge his class eventually.

“Oh, right, right, right,” Emma stammers, but she’s ninety-nine percent positive Killian is still smiling. “And I think Collin Sexton is a better freshman than Trae Young and whoever that Arizona kid David was talking about.” “I’ve got no doubt you’re right, love,” Killian says. Her body, possibly, explodes. “You want to tag-team David when Arizona gets upset later on tonight?” “Arizona’s not going to get upset later on tonight.”

Her phone dings as soon as the Arizona game ends and Emma’s watched enough basketball that her brain is starting to get a bit muddled, but she can still spot a monumental sporting moment and Arizona got upset.

By Buffalo.

Mary Margaret Nolan, 11:57 p.m.: Please do not say anything. He threw the remote.

Emma Swan, 11:57 p.m.: Uh oh.

Mary Margaret Nolan, 11:59 p.m.: I’m serious, Emma.

Emma Swan, 12 a.m.: I said no words.

Killian Jones, 12:02 a.m.: I will gladly say words. Off-court issues are on-court problems and Sean Miller is a terrible coach. Go back to Dayton.

Emma Swan, 12:03 a.m.: Were you...just talking to Sean Miller? Via text?

Killian Jones, 12:03 a.m.: Yes. Also I will repeat myself from the First Four. The Pac 12 is terrible. You picked the wrong Wildcat, David.

Emma Swan, 12:04 a.m.: It’s unfortunate, but you know, someone’s got to be out first, David. It just so happened you were first on the first day.

Emma Swan, 12:04 a.m.: The very first day.

Emma Swan, 12:04 a.m.: The first one.

Killian Jones, 12:05 a.m.: As early as possible.

David Nolan, 12:11 a.m.: THIS. IS. A. GROUP. TEXT.

The First Round, Friday, Day Two

“It’s freezing and I’m here and I bought really expensive rum!”

The lock to his building clicks and Emma doesn’t exactly race up the stairs, but she doesn’t just walk up the stairs and by the time she makes it to the third floor there’s a stitch in her side that leaves her just a bit breathless.

Killian’s eyebrows are doing something ridiculous.

“You ok, Swan?” he asks, stepping out of the doorway and grabbing the bottle before she can object. “Did you run here?” She sticks her tongue out in response, pushing lightly on his shoulder and she really does lose her breath at the sight in front of her. There’s already a pre-game show on TV and two more screens and some kind of projector thing hooked up to his laptop and Emma can feel Killian behind her, something that feels like nerves rolling off him.

“Wow,” she breathes. “That’s just...wow.” He makes a noncommittal noise, more nerves and caution and Emma wonders if her week-long thought process makes a bit more sense than she originally thought. But that’s only more confusing and she kind of wants to drink some of the rum now.

“It’s really not that impressive,” Killian promises, dropping into the corner of his couch with forced casualness. “The laptops are mine and I borrowed the projector thing from school and there are a lot of games, so I figured…” Emma nods slowly, trying to take it all in and it might be the nicest thing that’s happened to her in several years. “You figured right,” she promises. “You going to let me see your bracket then?”

It’s enough to break the tension or the nerves or anything else that isn’t the sort of normal she and Killian have settled into and the couch creaks when she sits down.

“I think you’re obsessed with my bracket, love,” Killian says. She’s still not counting. “And, no, you can't look yet. Not until it's over.”

She rolls her eyes, but doesn't really argue because there's a game starting and she doesn't really want to argue. They’re both more than vocal when Cincinnati plays, shouting a string of insults that gets progressively more crass throughout the game.

And they’re somewhere in the middle of the schedule, debating when they should order food and how qualified Emma is to operate the coffee maker on the other side of the apartment, when she decides fuck it, she’s going to ask.

Or something a little less crass.

“Why’d you pick Purdue?” Emma asks. “Honestly?” The question catches Killian short, eyes widening until there’s far too much blue there and it looks a little like the Creighton uniforms on TV, which is, honestly, the single most absurd thing she’s ever thought.

“And please don’t make a quip about being obsessed again,” Emma adds. “It’s stupid and a deflection and--” “That’s where Liam wanted to go,” Killian cuts in, voice scratchy and emotional and she knows her mouth drops open. She’s not sure she’s breathing.

Her lungs have been through the wringer all day.

“I have no idea why,” he continues and he’s not looking at her anymore. “It makes no sense whatsoever because Purdue is several states away from where we grew up, but he did and he thought a Boilermaker was some kind of fantastic mascot and I think he kind of wanted to be an engineer? But then my mom died and he had to take care of me so--” “That wasn’t your fault.” They need to stop interrupting each other. They need to stop having these emotionally-charged conversations in the middle of a basketball marathon with takeout menus everywhere.

They probably should have done this before.

“That sounded suspiciously like a compliment, Swan,” Killian grins. “And you didn’t even make a joke about Purdue’s top kid getting hurt.” “You think I’d make jokes about kids getting hurt?” He sobers for a moment, eyes darting to hers immediately and the whole word seems to shift when he shakes his head. “No,” he mutters, but it sounds like several admissions and some kind of major sporting moment and Emma tries to remember how important oxygen is to the human body. “I know you wouldn’t do that.” “You’re kind of a sap, you know that?” Killian chuckles softly, leaning forward and his hand is on her knee again. Time, it seems, is some kind of twisted circle.

“Sometimes,” he agrees. “I’m glad you’re here, love.”

Emma’s mouth goes dry at the sincerity in his voice, the hint of hopefulness on the edge of his gaze, like he means it and has been waiting to tell her for several years. She can feel the flush in her cheeks, teeth digging into her lower lip and his hand tightens a fraction of an inch.

He doesn’t flinch when hers lands on top.

She considers twisting their fingers together, but there have already been enough upsets and that team with the nun mascot was all over social media the night before, so Emma figures the world only allows so many surprises in a twenty-four hour span.

“Yeah, me too,” she says instead and she might think about his answering smile for the next week. “You want to order some food?”

They order way too much food and eat way too much food and Emma almost expects Killian’s cheers when they both start yelling during the Xavier game.

It’s easy and simple and they watch every single moment of every single game, only pausing a few times to answer David’s manic texts once UMBC takes a lead into halftime against Virginia.

“He thinks they’re going to win,” Emma mutters, but she’s standing and pacing, mumbling instructions under her breath.

Killian arches an eyebrow. “Do you not, love? As predicted, you’re playing defense. And rooting against your own pick.” “Aren’t you? I thought we determined you were a giant, sentimental sap?” “I’m not sure we settled on that turn of phrase, particularly, but to answer your question, of course I am. A little bracket chaos never hurt anyone.” “Plus you’re a great, big history nerd.” “You know none of these compliments sound much like compliments.”

Emma flashes him a smile, but her gaze darts back to the TV when Jim Nantz’s voice reaches a previously unachieved register and she’s not sure she’s ever heard of UMBC before.

They’re up double digits.

“I’m definitely complimenting you,” Emma promises. “And you know…” She waves her hand towards the screen, rolling her eyes when her phone makes more noise. Killian hasn’t blinked since the takeout got cold. He’s staring at her like he’s trying to read her mind or figure out what league UMBC plays in and they’re equally disconcerting and exciting because there’s more history to be made.

Maybe.

Emma hates her own metaphors.

“I don’t,” he mutters, gaze steady and just a hint imploring. Like he wants to know. Desperately.

“Well, maybe you deserve some compliments,” Emma starts. “And, you know...maybe I’m kind of a sap too. Rooting for the underdogs and upsets and picking the alma mater because there’s some history and...cut me off whenever.” He shakes his head, standing up slowly, and he’s in her space a moment later, one hand on the curve of her shoulder – as if he’s trying to make sure she’s there or keep her there and there are only a few minutes left in the game.

“That’s not a bad thing, Swan,” Killian says. “You’re allowed to care about things.”

“Yeah, sometimes those have a habit of blowing up in my face. The underdogs disappoint. That’s just how it works.” They are drowning in metaphors.

And he showed up on her doorstep a little over a year ago when she and Neal dissolved into whatever they weren’t, got her to let him into the apartment and brought her an entire box of samosas. He slept on her couch.

The buzzer on the TV goes off.

UMBC won.

History made.

Or something less sentimental.

“Not always,” Killian breathes, but Emma hears him perfectly and she’s, at least, seventy-six percent positive he’s going to kiss her when her phone dings, at least, seventy-six times.

She’s not sure which one of them groans louder.

“David needs a hobby,” Emma grumbles.

“This is his hobby.” ‘Well, then he needs a new one. This is just…” “Yeah, exactly.” “Why did that sound like an insult?” Killian makes a dismissive noise, an air of frustration lingering around him and Emma needs to go home. She doesn’t really want to go home. “It wasn’t,” Killian says. “It was just…” He’s going to do damage to his neck if he keeps shaking his head, but Emma’s forgotten how to hold a conversation and she’s too busy being stunned by the next words out of his mouth to be worried about saying anything except--

“What?” “It’s late,” he mumbles. “And you’re going to get surge pricing and you can just stay here.”

That’s what she thought he said.

Huh.

“Oh,” Emma blinks. “That’s um...are you sure?” That’s not what she expects to say.

Huh.

Again.

Killian nods. It’s a nice change of pace. So is the smile and that one lock of hair on his forehead and his hand is still on her arm.

“Yeah, yeah, it makes sense, right?” he asks. “And then you can raid the coffee again in the morning. It’s a win-win for you.” “Ok,” Emma says, a quick agreement that seems to rush out of her and into the air molecules where it lingers for several history-making, relationship-changing moments. “Ok.”

He absolutely refuses to let her sleep on the couch and Emma doesn’t argue, just smiles and lets herself be silently charmed by it and of course he has extra toothbrushes in the bathroom cabinet. She falls asleep under the questionable number of blankets on his bed, a smile lingering on her face and in her soul or something equally ridiculous and he doesn’t say anything when she drinks four cups of coffee the next morning.

[vulva-o-queef]

@hestiaq​ (making a new post because I don’t want to keep reblogging a long threat)

I’m really sorry for what you were put through. I sincerely hope you’re in a better situation now and doing okay. That’s horrific.

I remember the Ted Bundy bit you’re talking about- and she’s…. honestly quite right? If enough men have NPD/ASPD a few of them are going to seem intelligible, I think. I don’t really understand what you’re saying about Ted Bundy- if it’s tongue in cheek or not.

Okay, like I said, I haven’t seen this post she made. necromancerdoll just said that larps said sociopaths/psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others.” I know aspd and being a sociopath are often considered the same thing, and I know a lot of them are pretty transparent assholes. Psychopathy isn’t a formal diagnosis at all, but criminal psychologists do use the term, and there’s a pretty solid consensus on what it means. Some people say psychopaths are a subset of sociopaths, and other people say it’s a similar but distinct thing, but in either case, one of the main characteristics of a psychopath (which a sociopath doesn’t, or doesn’t always have) is that they’re smooth and charming, and they use those traits to manipulate others.

My comment about Ted Bundy was sarcastic (and probably not in very good faith, but also wasn’t really related to the main point of all this), because saying psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others” is the opposite of the truth. Ted Bundy was charming, socially adept, approachable, and likable, which was exactly how he managed to lure in many of his victims. He would put on a fake cast and ask women to help him get things into his car, which is what that scene from silence of the lambs is based on. Larps might be totally aware of all that and just phrased something too broadly. The only way it would be relevant to the rest of what I’m saying is, if she really meant to say that psychopaths are socially inept, it would be another example of how she tries to speak as an authority on mental disorders she doesn’t understand. Mostly I was just poking fun.

Women are over-diagnosed. But I don’t understand how Larps pointing out shitty behavior is the same as “diagnosing everyone”. Also, she’s talked about how borderline personality is over-diagnosed and often ascribed to women who are dealing with trauma. She’s also not talking about it from a “I don’t personally like them” only- “these people” are people who are cruel and vicious and play victim when called out on their cruel vicious behavior.

Clearly, you and I interpret the things she says about bpd and ‘cluster b’ in general very differently. For one, diagnosing anyone over the internet is absurd. In my first response to her, I did agree that she has made some good points, mostly about the link between autogynephilia and narcissism. But that’s about noticing an overarching theme within a specific population, and there’s already a decent amount of academic writing about that link. Case studies done by real psychologists. Actual studies done with controls and statistics and so on. And even with stuff like fucking “trans lesbian” dating profiles that larps points out herself, there is some solid evidence there due to the sheer repetition of entitled attitudes, fetishism, etc, the list goes on. My issue is with the way she thinks she understands BPD when she clearly doesn’t, how she applies “cluster b” or bpd to an awful lot of people, largely young ‘transmen’ or radfems she doesn’t like, and how whenever anyone she’s put down for having BPD tells her to cut it out, or tells her that she’s wrong about them, she dismisses anything they have to say by citing “people with bpd are insane,” or telling them they’re being irrational due to their disorder. Basically she’s using it as a shield to avoid being held accountable for the things she says. “Anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!” I’m not saying she’s diagnosing “everyone.” And regarding transmen specifically, there are a lot of psychological factors involved in that situation, and for someone who’s so vocal about the cultlike, exploitative, backwards nature of the trans movement, you’d think she would understand how absurd and frankly just plain egotistical it is to think she can simplify all of those psychological factors and dynamics down to “cluster b.” Again - remember that she’s talking about people she’s never met in her life, usually judging from one blog description, a handful of posts, or sometimes nothing more than a fucking selfie.

Even as a younger girl with supposed “BPD” (who even identified with the label)- I wouldn’t have found this stuff offensive, and if it did (which I might have, and sometimes still do)- it’s really that easy to log off or go outside.

That’s good for you, and I respect your perspective. And you’re right, I could just log off and ignore what larps is saying. You can say that about anything anyone says on the internet, and technically it’s true. But I didn’t. The things she’s saying are ignorant, I find them personally hurtful, and I think she’s spreading misinformation, harmful stereotypes, and regressive thinking. I see that she’s saying dehumanizing and belittling things to women on this site who deserve respect, and probably worst of all, I see that there are a lot of people who look up to her, ask her for advice, sometimes idolize her a bit, and many of them will believe pretty much anything she says. She’s feeding them bullshit and some really vile ideas about mental health stigma, and how people with certain disorders (mainly BPD) deserve to be treated. I don’t think she’s the devil incarnate, and I don’t think she’s out here ruining lives and destroying families. I think she’s an asshole with an inflated sense of her own insight and knowledge, and I decided to say something. I could have logged off, but in this case, I didn’t. That’s all.

...I don’t understand how Larps memeing on a Tumblr blog and often posting insightful ideas about personality disorders is “insulting, ignorant, and dehumanizing”.

Yeah I don’t know what you consider “insightful,” but posting the definition of “insane” and copy-pasting a list of bpd symptoms and saying “see? these people are insane,” and tagging her response to my post with #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders (callback to “anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!”) ...doesn’t quite cut it in my book.

She doesn’t bring up cluster b whenever she “feels” someone is acting unreasonable and dramatic- they… are unreasonable and dramatic- at least in whatever context, and people don’t have to dig deep to see who someone really is to be able to just say “no that’s insane, bye”.

Mmmm... I realize you see the situation differently from me, but am I acting insane? I mean, at worst, I’m making the undeniably blunt way she talks to people into something bigger than it needs to be. And yeah, I know... classic cluster b, amiright? But even if that’s the case, even if I’m misinterpreting her views, surely you can see where I’m coming from. And there are quite a few people who have the same objections that I do (mostly radfems, radfem adjacent women, terves, etc.). When she wrote that tag #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders, isn’t it clear that she was referring to me, as well as the rest of the radfemmish women who have been speaking against this behavior from her lately? Isn’t she making an assumption that I have a personality disorder (which I do not)? 

Do you really think my objection to the way larps talks about bpd is an indication that I have a personality disorder, and that I’m insane? Unreasonable at worst. But yes, she is absolutely using the excuse that those who object to her saying borderline people are irrational are saying so because they’re borderline/irrational. And like I said, I’m hardly the only example of her saying things like this. Someone just reblogged the original post of all of this and said #I just blocked larps bcuz shes been reblogging random old posts from me calling me a cluster b as bait #as far as I know I’m the only quote on quote crazy bihet that doesn’t have a pd? Someone else wrote #I really looked up to larps hence I’m so torn about this #if I didn’t believe she was a smart and decent well meaning person I wouldn’t care. That’s just on that particular post, within the last few hours.

People with personality disorders are diagnosed because they’re anti social and cause harm to those they “love”/interact with and the cluster b community (that I hung around) spend most of their time groveling in misery- despite often constructing their own fantastical narrative of people horrifically abusing them and demanding to be coddled for every emotion.

Some of them, yeah. Not all of them, and not enough to justify making assumptions about people you’ve never met.

What I mean is- the pain that they’re feeling is an offense to ego a LOT of the time. And other’s shouldn’t have to walk around eggshells to make sure that they don’t injure others egos.

Agreed.

Like it’s not real, rudfems don’t enable or contribute to violence against women. None of these women, no matter how mean they are, contributed to the pain I experienced in childhood for being called BPD- actually it was always men and handmaidens.

I didn’t accuse larps, or any other ‘rudefem’ of contributing to violence against women. I know that men were the reason ‘hysteria’ could be diagnosed in the past, and I know that men are the reason bpd is being overdiagnosed in women today. And I’m honestly not even trying to say larps is being misogynistic to the women she says this stuff to (though re-reading, I realize it could easily sound that way). Misogyny or not, dismissing someone’s perfectly measured, reasonable objection as irrational just because they have a bpd diagnosis - which in several cases, dr. larps diagnosed all by herself - is unacceptable, is the same pattern and circular justification used on ‘hysterical’ women in the past, and is particularly bad because, as we agree, bpd is too often being diagnosed as the new version of hysteria. She’s re-enforcing age-old stereotypes about mental illness, and she’s buying into it so completely that she really believes that borderline people are so unreliable that she knows what’s going on in their heads better than they do. Hence saying that borderline people objecting to her backwards stereotyping are doing so out of a kneejerk reaction to a damaged ego, rather than because they know what she’s saying is false.

Also - she isn’t talking about everyone with “diagnosed” BPD.

If that’s what she means, then she’s the one who needs to say it, not you. Again, I respect that you have a different view of this, and I understand your perspective, I can’t believe what others say about her intentions and supposed read-between-the-lines distinctions, when she doesn’t say it herself, and the things she says and the way she acts do not communicate what you’re saying about her.

Meaning, there’s a distinction between people who have been diagnosed and are suffering, and people who have been diagnosed (or not) and are cruel and have a total lack of insight and disregard for other people.

Mental health is complicated. You can’t divide people with bpd into two clean categories like that. That’s not how it works. And you CERTAINLY can’t lump people into the “bad” category simply because they don’t like how you talk about their disorder. You can’t see someone objecting to what you’re saying and assume that YOU know that they’re coming from a “total lack of insight.” People are not psychic. Larps is using the fact that some people with pds have a lack of self-awareness to dodge accountability when it’s convenient for her. It’s complete circular logic - something you would think she would be above, no? “they’re irrational, and when they complain about me calling them irrational, I can shut them down by saying that any complaint they make is irrational.” I know I keep saying this, but it’s true. In my first comment, I pointed out that this is her pattern, and what was her response? hashtag have u ever noticed how all these people have personality disorders. fucking exactly what I said her response would be, because that’s the only excuse she has. 

And yes, insight is a qualifying factor that “””exonerates”””” (quite a loaded word in this context????) someone from being “really” BPD. The thing about BPD is that they will not (or cannot) change- like it’s not a fixed part of your personality, and if it is- you deserve to be called out, and if it isn’t and you still behave like that… you deserve to be called out, still.

Again, no. If this is the case, then we need to make a second definition to separate “REALLY bpd” from “sorta bpd,” since currently they both meet the same diagnostic criteria. It’s not up to you, or larps, to create definitive new categories of mental illness.

I went from being told I had “borderline tendencies” to being diagnosed with full BPD, to basically nothing at all, because I became aware of those patterns, learned how to be objective about my thoughts and emotions, and practiced resisting them to the point where they only show up if I’m already in a really bad state. I don’t consider myself to have - or to have had - a personality disorder, because I’ve almost completely gotten rid of those mental reactions. But I know people who do have BPD, who are self aware, who are trying the same things I did, but the difference is that even though they now have the tools to keep them in check, those mental and emotional reactions are still present for them, and likely always will be. To say they don’t REALLY have bpd because they’re able to control it is frankly insulting. “If you’ve been able to improve it through treatment, you never really had it in the first place.” I know that’s not how you meant it, but that’s what it boils down to.

BPD is not defined by a lack of self-awareness. It’s a pattern of ingrained emotional and mental reactions (and, subsequently, behaviors). These often develop as a method of self defense against external abuse. Or sometimes there’s no abuse and it’s there anyways. The cause isn’t always clear. But the criteria calling these symptoms “pervasive” doesn’t mean the individual is unaware of them. People who know they have bpd, and who are working on treating their bpd still have bpd.

“...deserve to be called out”... it’s not larps’ business to “call someone out” for having bpd. She can call someone out for acting like a shithead, but simply having bpd is not a flaw that needs to be criticized. Your phrasing makes it seem like that’s what you’re saying, and although I’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant, that’s what larps seems to think.

Not only are neither you nor larps qualified to determine the “category” of bpd that people on the internet who you’ve never met fall into, but even IF that’s how she sees it, then, again, she needs to say that herself, and she needs to reflect that view in the way she treats people.

But to conclude, she really does make that explicitly clear that she doesn’t think everyone with BPD is a “screeching, manipulative, hysteric”.

Where

You made a bunch of excuses for her and I still have no reason to believe any of it is true

However, I’m mostly speaking for myself here because I’ve been hanging around tungle for too long and I mostly want to say that this all doesn’t really matter. Like, so many feminists on here ramble on about “but what about bpd women who get misdiagnosed?” yeah I didn’t face brutality at the hands of snarky women on the internet. These are not the people that even enabled the violence that me or many other women with trauma face.

Again, I didn’t say that. I don’t think she’s destroying lives either, I was just frustrated, saw that many other women are frustrated about her too, and I felt like saying something, so I did. That is the extent of my motivations here. I do think that she is spreading harmful stereotypes and misinformation, but I’m under no delusion that she is causing damage on a massive scale. She is, however, just one more raindrop in the proverbial ocean of mental health stigma. Insignificant as a single drop may be, surely it’s no less significant than any of those people with bpd whose bad behavior you say should be called out. If it’s larps’ business to call them out, then it’s just as much my business to call her out.

It’s not up to her and other women like her to clarify every single thing they say- people DO generalize and we should be able to communicate without having to specify for everyone.

I’m not asking her to clarify “every single thing” she says, I’m asking her to stop acting like a shithead, labeling people she’s never met, acting like she’s an authority on personality disorders, and using her actually wildly skewed perception of these disorders which is steeped in regressive, harmful, and demeaning stigma and stereotypes about mental illness in order to manipulate her way out of being held accountable for any of it. I’m not telling her to stop generalizing for the purpose of communication, I’m asking her to stop making inaccurate generalizations based on stereotypes, and to stop using “cluster b” as a catch-all for bad behavior. Just because someone is a shithead, or unreasonable, or overdramatic, doesn’t make them borderline, and it’s insulting to the people with bpd who are truly good people, who also have to deal with their disorder being an internet trend for self-dx’ers to milk sympathy and excuse their abusive behavior (sounds just like what larps would diagnose as cluster b, I know, but it turns out that many people who don’t have bpd exhibit these traits as well), deal with shitty treatment from healthcare providers who read the diagnosis and think they know everything about you before you even walk in the door (back when I had the ‘full bpd’ diagnosis, a therapist said to my face that people with bpd were considered ‘used goods,’ and my current psychiatrist treats me with an absurd and totally unjustified level of suspicion), deal with the massively pervasive stereotypes everyone else holds about bpd (ranging from ‘serial killer’ to ‘used goods’ to ‘fake trend on the internet to get attention’), as well as dealing with - oh yeah - the actual fucking disorder, as well as often comorbid cases of PTSD, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.

I’m just saying, it would be a lot more effective and hurt a lot less people you supposedly didn’t mean to target if you just called out the actual behavior instead of “calling out” a disorder. Additionally, I’m pretty sure that people with bpd who do lack self awareness are far more likely to respond to direct criticisms of their behavioral patterns than they are to respond to the label of bpd being “called out.” They’d just see the latter as more fuel for self-pity. It’s a little harder to justify being the victim of someone saying “hey stop being abusive.”

And if that’s not enough reasons for you, consider: people who have shitty behaviors who don’t have a cluster b disorder (yes, larps, they exist) are just gonna hear criticisms of a disorder they don’t have and brush it right off. Call out the actual behavior, and there’s a chance they might recognize it in themselves. It’s like a quadruple win.

A hallmark of bpd/npd/aspd/hpd is having no insight into that, that people say shit, and you take what you can and leave it-her, or me, or anyone else mincing that up….. doesn’t help bpd women live in a world where nobody is going to mince anything up ever. It did not help me when people coddled me, and I intuitively knew that and was deeply frustrated with it.

You’re right that it doesn’t help to have people make excuses for you or ‘coddle’ you. But not being unfair and pushing harmful stigma is not the same thing as “coddling.” Nor is “not mincing” words the same thing as saying things that are untrue, unfair, dismissive, and insulting. Much like Trump saying blatantly racist things is NOT “just telling it like it is.” (and no I’m not comparing you or larps to trump or calling anyone racist. except trump)

Many of the women who have ‘spoken up’ about larps on tungle, I’ve seen on other mediums (fb, wordpress) and they’re often just blatantly manipulative

Really? Am I being blatantly manipulative? Or insane? And, to reiterate, is what I’ve said on her post enough for her to assume that I - and anyone else raising these issues with her - ALL have personality disorders? Is it justification for her to say that I’m “glorifying” ASPD/BPD?

and will never have any insight to the fact that all of this is really a non-issue

I gave you several examples above, and here's your treasure trove:

https://larpsandtherealgirl.tumblr.com/search/cluster%20b

Notice how she loves agreeing with everyone saying they’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b disorder, or otherwise says something negative about a person/people with a cluster b disorder, makes sweeping generalizations and basically uses “cluster b” with the same tone that you would call someone an asshole - that is to say, using the same logical standards of “you said some shit I thought was rude, so I think you’re an asshole & I’m going to call you one” when talking about psychological medical diagnoses?

Yeah, occasionally she claims she’s only talking about The Bad Ones, but that’s a pretty thin excuse when 99% of the time you make no attempt to differentiate, and post things like screenshotted symptoms (which - if the “good ones” with that disorder actually have that disorder - would apply to the “good ones” too) with captions like “these people are insane.”

Again, I realize you see the things she says very differently from me, but surely you can see where I’m coming from. And I would hope that you can see that my having this perspective does not justify saying I have a personality disorder, that I am insane, or that I am “glorifying” ASPD and NPD. I would hope that the similar shit she’s said about several other women who said things similar to what I said would also strike you as unjustified. You can make excuses that she wasn’t literally diagnosing me with a personality disorder, but you can’t make that excuse every single time she says something like this.

but instead “leave radical feminism because it’s so full of mean lesbian separatists” and make huge texts about it everywhere else and how rfeminism is a cult.

Okay... this is an entirely separate and irrelevant subject and I’m not sure why you’re bringing it up. I mean it sounds like you’re saying “people who don’t like being told they’re insane are just butthurt kek” which I really hope is not what you’re saying. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of radical women who would object to being called insane and having their opinions dismissed because of a mental health diagnosis, who would raise their objections and still believe in their politics, probably due to the fact that - in this context - those things have virtually nothing to do with one another.

My point is- she’s not just saying ppl who criticize her have bpd- they often do because people with personality disorders come out of the woodwork to be hideously angry at anyone who calls them abusive or “wrong” and “bad” (whatever that means at any given moment).

In summary: I appreciate and respect that you interpret the things larps says in a very different way, and I’m not trying to tell you that you should be hurt or anything like that. But I can’t accept what I see as excuses that you’re making for her, since she doesn’t offer any of those explanations herself, and I don’t see any evidence of the intentions you’re attributing to her, in her own words or behavior.

At the end of the day, larps is the only person who can speak for larps’ intentions (much like the people whose criticisms larps deflects by claiming they’re motivated by irrational emotion and a threatened victim complex SHOULD be the only ones who can speak for their intentions).

And at the end of the day, larps didn’t show anything but disrespect and a total unwillingness to even consider that the way she speaks to, and treats, people with bpd and people who criticize her portrayal and internet-diagnosing of bpd, might not be 100% faultless.

At the end of the day, larps read what I had to say about her dismissive attitude and manipulative, circular justification for avoiding accountability. Her response was to double down on calling people with borderline “insane,” and double down on her own belief that googling a list of symptoms makes her an expert on psychology, as well as an expert on the thoughts in other peoples’ heads. She used the exact circular, dismissive excuse I was calling out, yet again said that the people criticizing her were all doing so because of their - well “our,” I should say, since she diagnosed me - personality disorders, rather than their actual thoughts, opinions, and perfectly reasonable objections. And then she answered a bunch of messages laughing about how crazy and terrible “cluster b”s are. No, she didn’t literally say “EVERY SINGLE PERSON with bpd is like this,” but come on. She’s not the only person who can recognize patterns of behavior.

[snowedinpodcast]

Long time no chat, friends. As usual, transcript is below the cut!

Let’s Walk: Life is (not?) a Strategy Game [Transcript]

“Wake up without you/flood in your [my] room, I see your headlights” 

Wooooo we have a situation right now ... I would like to cross the road because there’s people coming down towards me on the sidewalk but there’s several cars that are making that tricky. Please allow me to cross the road, I beg of thee! Ok, great. That’ll do. 

Hi. Let’s talk about ... romantic love! Everyone’s favorite, love to hate it. Ok. Ok, so, this comes to mind because I do kind of have a crush right now. I say kind of ‘cause it’s waning—thank goodness—but [laugh] it happened and I’m not ashamed of it. I am a little bit, let’s be real here: is anyone ever genuinely, wholeheartedly in love? I don’t think s—[laughs] I promise I’m not bitter, I’m just like this. This is just my personality, babe. 

Yet again I find myself in a weird position on the road, ok, great. This is what i get for not being on the sidewalk ... but also, what am I supposed to do when there’s only one sidewalk and there’s other people coming towards me on it? Quarantine problems, guys. Every human’s a biohazard! We always have been, but, just now more so than ever. 

The point I want to make here is ... Good question, what is the point I want to make here? I feel like I’ve had pretty good luck in terms of having crushes on people who wind up being interested in me back. I’ve only had ... mmm ... three solid dating experiences ... and those all taught me something, for which I’m grateful, but in all three cases ... Wow. Wow, I think that’s actually true. In all three cases, I was the first one to like them ... and that coming to light was what prompted them to either start liking me back or, like, y-you know what I mean? Like ... I didn’t necessarily make the first move in every instance but the fact that I was interested in them ... came to light before their interest in me surfaced, does that make sense? 

So what I’m trying to say is, am I a siren? [Laugh] no, I’m sorry, I’m joking, I’m sorry. But no, I kind of have to wonder, right? I’ve heard that someone being interested in you and you realizing this, knowing it as a fact, can encourage reciprocation in you. Y’know, the idea that someone liking you is kinda hot and it’s fun to be wanted, right? So even if you didn’t initially notice them at all before, now that you know this, that might make that person just a little more attractive to you ... which may lead to a date which may lead to a relationship, you see what I mean. So in that way, I wonder how much agency I’ve had in terms of these romantic experiences. I wonder how many of them ... came to be because I kind of willed them into being? 

[Distressed sound] I know that sounds a bit ... um ... cocky ... which I don’t want to be. I’m not trying to say that these people I’ve dated don’t have their own free will and thoughts because ... gosh, I hope they do. Otherwise, what’s the point of other humans if we all just merge into one another? Part of the joy of being human—one of the few joys—is that we’re all so different and interesting. 

But yeah, crushes, the way that reality changes depending on what reality is? Ugh, that’s confusing, how do I say that better ... Yeah, it’s—it’s that idea of willing something into being ... like speech acts, kind of, y’know? You say it and the act of saying it is what makes it true. The act of liking another person in a romantic way can sometimes be a factor in making that romantic relationship between you and that person work out. And I don’t know what to call this. It feels weird to call it power because power implies it’s a tool that you can deploy at will. I can’t do that. I can’t—I’m not a siren, I can’t ... inspire sudden, unquenchable lust in other people. Wait, er—is that succubi? Sirens are the ones who sit on rocks and sing songs that sailors cannot resist, so, similar idea, I guess. Cool. Thanks, Odysseus. That’s not what I’m doing because it’s not guaranteed. Me liking someone does not guarantee that they will like me back but it does up the odds in an interesting way ... sometimes. 

Which I guess goes to show, if you are interested in someone, the worst they can say is no—which can be kind of an emotional blow, so I get it. I get why you might still hesitate in terms of asking them out, but ... if they don’t know that you’re an option, then—then there’s no chance of this happening at all, y’know? So, so you might as well exercise your pseudo-siren powers and let the person you are interested in—or people—know and see if that may increase your odds. In an organic, non-creepy way! ‘Cause it’s worked out for me. I’m twenty-one, twenty-one divided by three is seven, so—is that how math—am I applying averages correctly? On an average of once every seven years I’ve had a successful romantic interaction. Maybe that doesn’t—mmm, maybe that doesn’t actually sound like such a, such a solid set of odds anymore. Maybe I don’t have the experience to be giving this advice but I just noticed this and I just think it’s interesting. That’s what this is for. 

Here’s another thing I find interesting. I’m the kind of person who is an open book. Full stop. I am extremely expressive with my face and with my tone of voice, I—I talk with my hands, I talk to myself, I scowl, I clap, I make finger guns ... and, incidentally, I’ve noticed that I am more dramatic with my emotional cues than I usually am especially when I’m on a Zoom class call. And I think that’s ‘cause I’m adapting to being in quarantine and doing class remotely and wanting to still give my peers validation for their cool points and also allow myself to be read easily ... ‘cause I have to put more effort into emotional cues to be read over call versus in person when there’s just a lot more visual data available to you. 

And that’s what I want to get at: the ability to be read easily. People tend to see that as a weakness and I have seen it that way before. In fact, there’s still moments where I’m like, god damn, if I could just keep my own feelings a secret, that would be extremely useful. Hey brain, can we do that? And my brain’s like “hmm ... no. No, sorry, your nature is just to be extremely readable.” But that doesn’t mean this doesn’t work for you in interesting ways. 

So on the one side, right, people think “ah, if I keep my cards close to my chest then I am less easily read by opponents and I thereby have power over them in two ways. One, they don’t know what I’m up to and I have that knowledge, and two, I can read them more easily so I have a sense of what they’re going to do, I can predict them,” right? 

Then look at my side of it. By making myself more easily read—or just by being that way in general, ‘cause a good fair amount of this is just how I am, and sometimes I amplify parts of it intentionally, but ... yeah. By making myself easily readable, I set up my opponents, quote unquote—or my peers, or my parents, or whomever I’m talking to—I set them up to read me accurately, which is actually extremely useful in getting a very quick, very accurate picture of how someone I don’t know that well treats other people. 

Lemme give you an example: something somebody says to me upsets me a lot. It is extremely hard for me to hide the fact that this person has done something to upset me or said something to upset me. I will react vocally, I will react emotionally, my face will contort, that whole deal. Trust me, I’ve tried to not react to something that deeply upsets me ... I’m incapable of it! I would have to practice a lot to be capable of that. This means this person now has, very likely, a pretty clear idea of [thing that upsets me]. If they continue to repeat it with malicious intent, then it is very clear to me that you are an asshole who doesn’t extend their empathy towards other people and I probably don’t want to be friends with you. I probably don’t want to hang out with you because I’ve seen how you are, how you treat people. On the flipside, if that person notices the connection between the thing that upset me and my very visceral reaction and they either ask me about it like “oh hey did that bother you? Um, can I ask why? That’s interesting” or if they stop the behavior because they realize it freaked me out, then you’re probably chill. You probably have a sense of empathy and you could be a really cool friend. Yeah. We can hash out our differences in a meaningful way and continue to interact healthily and excitingly. 

So, do you see what I mean? Because I am so readable, I prepare people to receive the message that I want them to have, which is how I genuinely feel. And that teaches me a lot about them. By giving information, I actually get back a pretty fair chunk of information. However in-power my opponent seems to think they are, they always give something away to me. 

I realize that this language might make it sound like I view the world as a constant battle. And I do a little bit, trust issues will do that to you. Everyone is, on some level, an opponent who I must shield myself from somehow ... and you have to make use of the tools in your arsenal, right? So if you happen to be very readable, you need to be able to frame that in a way where it works to your benefit and this is the framing that has been useful for me. Because this part of my nature would be a lot harder to change than it would be to adapt to be useful. 

But that said, I do like to think that in general, people are cooperative. That is how a lot of things have happened in history. That is how a lot of beautiful structures have been created. That is how a lot of core human ideals have been developed, challenged, changed ... and that is why, if you sat me down and made me pick between being able to hide my cards or constantly having to show a card or two—perhaps even my whole hand, god forbid—I would still pick being the type of person who can’t not emote. Because I think being willing to give information is not only useful in the way I laid out but it’s also ... more conducive to cooperation. I almost always appreciate it when someone gives me more information rather than if they hide it because that means I can help you better. It also means I could hurt you better [laugh], but that’s just kind of a risk I think is worth taking. Again, this is very generalized, like, don’t bear your soul to someone you barely know because that’s probably not going to end well, but ... incremental willingness to ... to share, I think, is just kind of ... good. 

There’s some worldview ideas from a twenty-one year old. You’re welcome. Play life like a strategy game! No, I’m kidding, don’t, don’t do that ... [laugh] oh my gosh. Alright. Thanks for talking. I love you very much. [Click]. Catch you on the next one. 

[surflove808]

RE:  Cockles, Bi!Bros, J2M, J2 over-the-top shipping bullshit.  Please read this.  Here goes....part 2.

UPDATED 10/10/2017 for clarity and stuff.  More examples, less whiskey.  Same potty language. 

I've seen too much bullshit misinformation and conjecture out there and I can't stay silent anymore.  So... here's the promised Part 2 of my ridiculously long rant.  Again, I'm asking that whoever reads this, really reads the whole thing, and if you agree...please reblog.  Because this "issue" affects a lot more people than just these guys.  And I know it's long, but if it starts a discussion on how to treat people better and pave the way for acceptance without fear, as well as for how internet witch hunts are NOT ok, I'm hoping we're ALL for it.

Here we we go!

This statement applies to both the actors in this show, and the characters they portray:  I think we can all agree that these men are otherworldly handsome.  And I think that some of us can agree that reading fan fiction (particularly smut, in my case), is very enjoyable. I love the smut!  I'm not here to disabuse you of the notion that seeing these guys together, apart, with you, with me, with a fucking doughnut...sexually... would be seriously hot.   I'm not here to bash fan fiction.  I'm not here to poop on your fantasies or freedom of speech, either.  But I AM asking for more social responsibility.

I am also here to shut down the mentality that we own these characters and these individuals, and that it's ok to take our fantasies (because that's what they are), and try to force feed them to the general public, and even the actors and their families (some of you no-boundary having, people) as if it's ok for our uninformed opinions about the private lives of these men to be twisted and regurgitated to reflect our own desires for them, especially in a public forum.

I'm here to inject some realism.  Via real experiences.  And actual analysis that's thought-out, and based in objective reality.  If you choose to ignore that, and carry on with your fantasy in a way that's harmful?  I can't stop you.  I'm just here to provide a counterpoint and hope that it takes hold with even 1 person, and maybe that person can tell someone else...and maybe apply reverse osmosis with some of this toxic mentality that it’s “ok if you don’t actually know them”.

*Minor, basic, psychology warning*:  Repressed individuals, for example (by example, I mean this is one instance that I'm using) who are uncomfortable with their own sexuality, and are not yet ready to address/express it, have a tendency to avoid circumstances, conversations and actions that may threaten to shatter a carefully constructed facade.  They will go to great lengths to cover-up or act against any instinct that might "out" them.*  

And by repressed individuals?  That doesn't mean GAY individuals exclusively.  That means ANYONE who feels repressed by the "norms" inflicted by their family, their friends, their classmates, their upbringing, etc. But, I just don't see that with these guys. At all.  They're as comfortable with each other as you'd expect long-time collaborators and friends would be... and that should be awesome.  It should be ok.  But for some fans, it's become their job to attempt to force these actors into roles that they've written FOR them.  And that's fucked up.

What sucks is when, much like their onscreen counterparts, these guys can't express affection, support, physical closeness, have dinner together, laugh at the same dirty jokes, defend each other, etc.... without being put under a frigging microscope and dissected.  It breaks my heart a little bit when I start to see them pulling back and being more inhibited and defensive as a result of this BS.  Being a public figure invites a whole new level of scrutiny, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...some of the shit I've seen "fans" say about these guys.

And when the occasional rebel of a "fan" ignores the very limited number of things that can't be asked about anymore (**see dickheads**) at conventions, let's be honest - they are, in fact, being dickheads.  They KNOW what they're doing.  This isn't a press conference with Trump.  This is supposed to be a safe place for the actors and fans to interact about the show.  And yet.... when the occasional someone posits the very old and very, definitively answered question about Destiel - and Jensen in particular - shoots it down or tries to avoid it (and only twice that I've seen.  And very politely), suddenly, he's a homophobic asshole.  He's ALSO gay, BTW.  He just doesn't know it yet... (for those of you who take everything literally, that was sarcasm)

I'll tell you what.  He's a helluva lot nicer than I would ever be.  I'd tell the pushy shitheads that insisted on asking the same fucking DELIBERATELY INFLAMMATORY question that had already been answered, to go fuck themselves.  But Jensen hasn't done that.  Because I guess he's just a more patient person than me.  

He has been inhabiting this character for 12 years, and living with himself for much longer.  Despite that, maybe you DO know his character better than him.  Maybe YOU know him better than he knows himself.  Highly unlikely though.

The way I see it, if faced with seeing my life’s work (actor, husband, friend, father) negated and torn apart for the benefit of a few snarky gifsets, and being ambushed by inappropriate questions, after  dedicating so much of my time and energy and love towards it, I’d be pretty fucking bummed.  It'd be incredibly offensive to have someone tell me I wasn't who I said I was or not doing what I said I was doing.  Over and over and over.

 "YOU say Dean's hetero and there's no Destiel.  The writers say it.  But you're WRONG. Because reasons..."  "YOU may THINK you're fooling us with your marriage and kids, but WE know better!"  What.  The.  Fuck.  Is that all about, people??  If you're doing this, approving of this, liking posts about this?  I'm sorry to be the one to tell you... it's not cute.  It's damaging.  it's disrespectful, and you're that asshole.

I hate seeing anyone put in a position that makes them question how to go about policing their own behavior, their own truth and their own perception with regards to their **REAL** interpersonal relationships, based on the very legitimate fear that certain people won't give a second thought to making not only their life, but the lives of their families - a mockery.

For those of you who have had people snickering behind your backs or spreading gossip about you - it wasn't pleasant was it?  In WHAT situation is it ok to take your unproven hypothesis, and use it to shame, "out", poke fun at, fetishize, or attempt to force feed your theories to the world-at-large in public forums about anyone's private lives?  I really want to know. What makes this ok?

EXAMPLE TIME (using a few common examples I've seen time and time again, that people use to justify the shit that comes out of their mouths or fingertips):

1.  The male cast and their butt swatting and dick grabbing pranks that make certain, excitable people jump to conclusions: This may be just my experience, but still:  I'm a woman, and I know that my gay male friends and straight lady friends think it's not only ok, but a hoot to grab each others nethers,  brazenly flirt, and share explicit sexual info like it's NBD, primarily because we are 100% uninterested in each other, physically.  There is no perceived threat, either way, between us friends.  And no fear of rejection.  We don't view each other as potential mates.  Therefore, we're a bit more "free" with each other.

A lot of my straight guy friends that are comfortable in their own masculinity (I hate that I even have to say that), have no hang ups about swatting each other on the butt, grabbing each others dicks, performing "cup checks", etc.  *Also, see football.*  I don't know why this is a thing that they do, and I don't judge them for it.  In my observations, it's just a thing a fair amount of guys do, that they consider to be an "acceptable" display of affection among friends.  They seem to find it amusing, and frankly - it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS.  So, there's that.  Most men, (that I've known, at least), will never not be fascinated with their own junk, not to mention dicks, balls, asses and boobs in general.  I've also seen them be quite tender with, and observant of over one another when a situation arises.  You know?  Like a normal human response to someone they care about who may need some support??

And if a couple of dude friends want to act like they're 5 years old with each other, well into adulthood...I think it's rather charming, and hilarious, if I'm being honest.  I may not date men, but I absolutely adore them!  And I sure as fuck don't want to see the baby steps that they are able to take away from toxic masculinity (to quote a lovely DM I got earlier), turned against them by people who think it's ok to project their own crap on them.

2.  Sharing clothes: Again, just speaking from years of experience, and not claiming to know these guys or their reasons for (what, on 3-4 occasions, being seen with the same shirt?)... It's not just Jensen and Misha that do this, IF in fact, they do it at all.  A lot of us do this.  And if they do?  It's not a big deal, people.

I share clothes with friends for convenience and comedy's sake, quite a bit.  I own a bright orange hoodie that has been borrowed by so many friends that it's got it's own traveling backstory.   I've borrowed pants, shoes, tops, etc. on occasion, based on my immediate needs,  and vice-versa.  Especially when traveling.  Saves hassle and space to share a wardrobe, when possible.  But then, maybe Jared, Jensen and Misha do it because they are clearly boning the shit out of each other in secret.  And they're MEN.  And men can't do that without some deeper meaning ascribed to it, apparently.

**Side note:  2 weeks ago, a guy friend of mine came straight from his construction job to a bbq at my house and asked to take a shower.  But he didn't have any clean clothes of his own to change into.  As a joke - I offered him my frilliest, silkiest top.  And he LOVED it!  Wore it all night and then wore it home. Got it back, freshly laundered last week. His girlfriend (one of my best friends), especially got a kick out of it!  Lots of pics were taken and laughs were had.  But none of us even considered that this was something worth ruminating over.  It was Just. Funny.**  

Good grief...If I were subjected to the same scrutiny that these actors are, based on wardrobe swaps alone, I'd be covertly fucking or wanting to fuck 75% of my friends.  And folks, that's just not accurate.  And no, I'm not fucking the other 25%, we're just not sharing clothes.  :D

3.  Perceived jealousy: Yes, some lovers get jealous.  You know who else does?  Friends, co-workers, siblings... Does the occasional side glance from one of these men merit dissection and exposition?  Do we really have the prescient knowledge that enables us to know what these men are thinking and feeling with every glance, every movement?  I'm only asking because certain individuals seem to think that these miniscule moments are more meaningful when they can be attributed to these guys.  What makes these guys so damn special?  Sorry.... maybe I'm just jealous.  Feel free to speculate.  I really wanna know.

4.  "Longing looks", "sexy eyes", "the romantic gaze":

I'm going to tell you what I see with my own eyes, without the benefit of slowed-down gifs, conjecture, or the Cosmo Guide to Body Language and Crushes....or whatever the hell is informing opinions out there.

I'm going to focus on Jensen here because he seems to be the lynchpin that holds this whole sordid affair together.  In addition to him "eye-fucking/loving" Jared and Misha, have you also noticed the way he "gazes" at and how affectionate he is with Rob, Billy, Jim Beaver, and JDM?  If you have, you may have noticed that he has a very open, expressive face and big, gorgeous eyes.  And he seems, by all accounts, to be a very affectionate dude.  And to his credit,  despite our best efforts to call attention to every single fucking thing he does, he continues to try to be himself.  

And when he's paying attention to someone when they're speaking or performing (which is kind of a normal, respectful thing to do, as opposed to looking in boredom at the ceiling or the floor).... he seems to be 100% in the moment.  Unless he's competing to tell a story.  :D  Again...just using my eyes to observe.

He's especially oooey gooey with Rob.  Why hasn't he been linked with Rob in a torrid, secret affair?  Is Rob too short?  Not cute enough?  I wanna get to the bottom of this.  What?  Is Rob chopped liver or something??

Folks, I do the same thing.  A LOT of people do. Anyone who focuses on whoever is in front of them or next to them, really.  Or am I in the minority, in that I'm capable of holding eye contact with, and paying attention to people that I'm not attracted to when they're speaking?  If so, ya'll are some shallow fuckers.  Wait!!  Have I been eye-fucking people all along??  That would explain a lot, actually.

One buddy of mine in particular, has these big, gorgeous brown eyes and he gets this look when he's listening to people, and he looks like he's in love.  He's not.  IT'S JUST HIS FUCKING FACE.  Poor guy has gotten in some hot water over that with a few hopeful, clueless ladies thinking he was *into it* when he wasn't.

Well, you may say... WHY does Jensen always gaze that way at Jared and Misha??  (First of all - see above), but I have a theory:  Have you ever seen him do panels with anyone else?  Who are the three main characters of this show?  Who does he share all of his public appearances with, when he's not solo?  He spends the lions share of his time working on and promoting Supernatural.  Is Danneel in Supernatural?  No...she's not.  When they DO have precious little private time together, are they sitting in panels and being videotaped before a live studio audience, so that we can analyze their chemistry?  Again...NO.

I don't know what their marriage is like.  I'm gonna do the thing where I take their happiness and love at face value.  Because it's none of my damn business.  I believe what they've said and presented as a couple, because why wouldn't I?  The better question is... why wouldn't you??  What's your motivation?

Misha affection:

Misha is a bad ass.  Misha has been supported and enabled to evolve (again - going off what he's SAID in panels) Misha is not afraid of what people are gonna say about him when he wears a dress, or fakes an orgasm onstage with Jensen, kisses Jensen on the cheek, etc.   And anything that he does to convert prejudice and fear into understanding, is A-OK by me.  You can be masculine, and straight and still be open to exploration, still retain softness, and allow yourself to have your fingernails painted onstage without fear of repercussions from the peanut gallery, if you are allowed to get to that space, without people fucking with you.  I could speculate on how Jensens friendship with someone like Misha might have made it more tolerable for him to handle all the bullshit that comes his way via unfounded speculation about his sexuality, but then, I wouldn't be sticking with simple observations based on what I hear from their mouths and what I see with my eyes.  I know, it can be hard....BUT IT'S POSSIBLE, PEOPLE.

Grooming:

There's a reason why our behavior correlates to the fact that we share 99% of our DNA with chimpanzees (*also, see above for obsessing over our own genitalia*).  I've had frigging strangers reach over and pull lint off of me.  I had a guy on a busy NYC street try to pull a mole off my neck once, because he thought it was a tick.  I don't know what else to say.  From their own mouths, these guys have said it's a learned behavior from over a decade of checking each other before cameras roll.  But if you think it means that they're in love... well.  Ok, I guess.

"Checking in":

Again, I'm assuming and hoping all of us have at least one friend or family member that we're close to and care very much about, especially if they are, or have been, at risk.  If you think that this person is approaching an emotional cliff  (or any other kind of cliff for that matter), would you let them fall off, or would you let them know that you were there?  Via a song, a look, a call, a touch, a word, a pat on the back, etc?  

Or is that just a gay thing?

Conclusion:

These guys don't have to give a shit about the fans, but they go above and beyond.  They're as invested in their characters as we are.  MORE so, and rightly so.  And they're dedicated and invested in their fans in a way that I've never seen before.  And just going off written and verbal accounts that I'm sure you all have been privy to as well, these particular actors go to bat for vulnerable people and at-risk people, both personally, in situations that don't involve PR, as well as outreach through their respective campaigns.  So, I respect them very much as creative entities and as people.  I think most of us do. And I'm fucking going to bat for THEM.   For those who don't, well... here's to hoping that changes.  Or that your focus does. I am guessing the average age (intellectually/emotionally/or physically) of the people who read way too much into every gesture between these actors, and FREAK OUT...is pretty young.  And I'm not saying that's a bad thing (being young, that is), but I AM saying the constant badgering of, and attempted *outing* of anyone is pretty abhorrent behavior, regardless of your maturity level.  

Again, your words matter.  They affect lives.  They affect perception.  These aren't just your private thoughts and fantasies anymore when you're making public statements on a worldwide forum/social network, and taking things way out of context to back up your ill-informed theories about people you don't even know.  And by "affect lives", I mean that these public figures have developed a thick enough skin and enough sense to largely ignore the bullshit, but they are still human beings and deserving of our respect, no?  

And by “affect lives”, I think as a society, we have a responsibility to the young men and women coming up in this world who still see -  via these kinds of posts - that despite years of slow progress, their slightest actions can still be dissected and analyzed and gossiped about, with regards to their sexuality in particular.  I think that people who like to post real accusations about real people, based on their skewed perception of these peoples interactions, in the "interest" of supporting actual LGBTQ people, are causing FAR more harm than good.

It can be destructive.  And it can be limiting to intellectual and emotional growth, at large.  And you're kidding yourselves if you think you're being "cute" and that it's harmless to ship real people to the point of harassment on a public forum.  All you're accomplishing, is showing current and future generations of kids that if they don't stick with your definition of heteronormative behavior, that you'll do the outing for them via social media. I wish certain individuals were a bit more responsible with their online musings when it comes to real people who have real families and real children who will probably stumble upon this content one day... and try to be a bit more empathetic in general.  Get out from in front of your screens and look around you and ask yourself:  How would I feel if someone posted this kind of shit about my sister?  My Mom?  My Dad?  My GF/BF/best friend without their consent??

Or is spreading malicious gossip only ok when you're not directly affected?

I'm just hoping that the people who fuck with these guys wives and make vids and publicly try to sexualize their friendships on Tumblr and elsewhere, are too young to know better.  Here's to hoping they learn better, going forward.

If you are doing this?   It's never too late to learn how to be a better human.  Find a way to indulge your theories without harassing these very decent men, and well... anyone, right??  If these guys DO in fact have any "secrets"?  They're entitled to keep them.  But the likely reality?  They're living their lives truthfully, in the face of the shitty online perpetuation of rumors, and giving us all a lesson in what it means to behave graciously under pressure and move on with kindness, when they could just as easily shut down convention filming as well as fan interaction.  Appreciate that.  And appreciate each others right to live without shame, scrutiny or unfounded speculation.

And if I missed some tags?  Please, let me know.

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ A brief recap for those who couldn't glean this info from the body of this open letter:

I am not anti-LGBTQ, anti-Cockles, anti-J2M, anti-J2, anti-shippers.

I AM anti-harassment

And I AM anti-slanderous gossip in any form.

*******That being said*******

I am pro SPN actor, pro human, pro fandom, pro positivity

I am also pro education with regards to acceptance and tolerance, and just....basically, leaving people the fuck alone.  Especially when you do not know them.

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s02e09 The Last Word review - or more aptly named, how dare they replace Elle like that, oh shit I fell in love with Paget Brewster from the two scenes in this episode, never mind, continue, my lovelies XD

Episode 09 – The Last Word

So last episode played on every bit of emotion I had – happy, sad, fucking crying like a baby because Derek put himself in harm’s way just to comfort a victim who could be blown to smithereens like Cooke and he was completely dependent on fucking Cassie to do her job and not fuck it up. I was in emotional shambles! I swear!

So I hope this episode would be better in that it gives me some humor fodder, but I doubt it, cuz the title is very cryptic and not helpful. And the opening shot is kids running in a park and we all know by now that if you watch Criminal Minds, something fucked up is going to happen to whoever is the first shot. Fuck.

Aww! The guy ran with a Dalmatian!

Wait. They’re playing catch with their daughter like a dog? Oh my god, they’re so cute!

Oh fuck. That girl just ran into the woods on her own. Uh oh.

Hey! That guy played that fake head of S.H.I.E.L.D!

Wait, so you’re just following this guy who popped out of nowhere into the forest? Oh my god.

Oh my god, I knew this guy was gonna be awful. Shit!

Why is he seeing his mom in her bra? Come on.

And she’s blaming him for not waking her up on time?

I’m with this kid, get a fucking alarm clock. And I’m not even mad at him for being sassy.

He gave his baby brother pizza and milk? Oh my god. That mom is awful.

Aw, she’s the worst mom ever. Not bringing him pancakes when she promised.

Oh god, she’s a hooker? Oh baby.

Oh shit! He just shot that hooker! Damn!

Okay, that’s a new face. Emily Prentiss. Cute name. She’s a daughter of an ambassador. Nice. And she went to Yale? Wow! Smarty!

Oh my god, there is something we’re not getting, Hotch.

What? She’s supposed to work with the team? What? But. They haven’t gotten over Elle yet! What are you doing???? No!!!!

Wow. He just blew her off. Wow.

Wait. Someone went over Gideon and Hotch’s heads to enlist Prentiss? Uh oh.

Yup. That was is St. Louis, someone is killing hookers and moms. Yikes.

Wait. Emily is officially on the team? Okay. Welcome, Paget Brewster. I’ve seen a lot of her on the web, so she should be ok, right?

Elbert Hubbard: “If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.” What? That made no sense. I guess I’m tired… so in order to wake up a bit, eating schnitzel with noodles.

Aww, groggy, pensive Reid is the cutest.

I’m jealous of that cup in Derek’s hand.

One of the killers wrote a letter? Oh lord, that is sick.

Oh my god, Derek talking to children is the cutest thing ever. I swear. She’s so adorable! I can’t believe Shemar is still unmarried, but it makes me beyond happy.

Oh god. She’s dead? Fuck.

Wait, the killer is still visiting her? Oh my god.

Oh god, I am totally grossed out right now. He’s actually putting lipstick on her lips, brushing her hair, and making out with a corpse. I’m sorry, but I really am trying not to judge here, but that is so disgusting to me. I know she probably is alive, but the whole acting thing is way believable.

Wow, that old lady creeps me out.

Oh, she’s the hooker’s mom. Hey! That’s no way to treat your grandkids. Oh my god, the baby is crying, do something about him.

Wow. That lady is seriously jaded.

Great. Humanizing the victims. It’s a great season, emotionally speaking.

Wait, they only have one file about the guy who killed the hooker? But three boxes on the freak who kills women, buries them up till their necks and makes out with them? Oh boy.

I like that reporter. He’s hot.

They found the mom. Thank goodness. But seriously, oh my god.

Oh shit! That taxi driver, who is apparently the Hollow Man just killed two hookers at once! Dang! He’s a quick-shooter. Fuck.

And he put the paper that glorified the Mill Creek River, ha. He was pissed.

It’s not a guessing game, dude, JJ is as much a profiler as the other guys, come on! Trust her, jackhole.

Graphology. Interesting. It’s awesome.

So he’s oppressed in his job and feels it’s draining him and he’s underappreciated and underpaid? Shit, I could be a serial killer with that profile, Reid, I’m not really feeling it.

An attention whore. Got it. That’s the Hollow Man.

The Mill Creek River is disturbed on the inside. Got it.

Another death. Fuck. The Creek Killer. Shit.

That’s him! That’s the killer! Please let them find something on him so they don’t find more bodies. But he’s too smart for that. But seriously? Hiking with no water or food supplies? That’s seriously suspicious.

So he’s familiar with the woods? Oh god.

“Now that is an awesome place to dump a person.” “Come on, Garcia.” “What? I’m just saying, angel fish … Evil knew what he was doing.” God, I love those two.

“What? Forget … No, no. I don’t want to know that. Bye-bye.” Oh sweetie, you’re so adorable, but I agree, I wish I hadn’t known what that meant either. But I do. Gross. I actually giggled over that sentence like a little girl.

They call a sniffing dog Brownie? Aww, those tough FBI agents are softies.

Well yeah. If it’s imperative that he comes to see her, he’s gonna come see her, and if they set up a trap they can catch him.

Wait. That’s the reporter guy! What the fuck?

The Hollow Man told him? What the fuck?

A news chopper? Oh no.

Oh god. He’s gonna get her on the street? Oh god.

Hey! Leave her alone, you dick! God, you are amazing, lady! So brave! And he’s such a coward.

Fuck.

I’m pretty sure the Hollow Man is an inside man. I’m suspicious he’s inside the PD.

LOVE YOU REID!

They’re talking in the personals in codes? Oh my god. The two serial killers corresponded using Catcher in the Rye names! Fuck! And dude, no offense, but every white guy/girl knows that story. Wait what, it’s a loved book of sociopaths. And Mark David Chapman quoted it after offing John Lennon? Oh lord. Wait. They know who killed him? I thought it was a random shooting. Oh lord. I have so much to learn.

“Hey, sweetness. Make me smile and tell me you got a name.” “Oh, I got scads of them, babe, but none paid for these personal ads. They went with cash, totally old school. I hate it when they’re smart. Two separate accounts in good standing.” Apart from the psychos who are outsmarting them, I love the interchange. Someone kiss someone already!

Fuck. Why pressure Reid? Damn.

Oh god, they’re using a doppelganger to bait him. Oh my god. She’s so brave. I love her. Ew.

So the Mill Creek Killer bought it. You go, Reid. Oh my god, he’s sick as fuck. Damn.

YES! They got the fucker. You go, Derek! I love watching him cuff those assholes. Thank you, Criminal Minds writers for doing it.

Oh wait, they want to give a show now? That’s impressive. They want to show the Hollow Man they caught him. And he didn’t. Ha.

I hate that guy so much. I mean, again, the character. I liked him as Mace in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

So he’s denying it? After they found him about to apply lipstick to the poor woman’s lips?

Oh he’s good. Gideon is trying to goad him into confessing by admitting they thought they’d never catch him and by implying automatically that they know it’s him.

And he’s just trying to seem nonchalant but he’s describing himself (the serial killer) as an artist, come on.

Oh snap! He just gave himself away! He just totally implicated that he belittles the Hollow Man’s work, he think there’s no imagination there in simply shooting the hookers. He thinks he’s the artist here. Oh god.

Seriously? He’s just giving it all away. Except for confessing. Damn.

Hey! Don’t tell Gideon to shut his mouth! He’s goading you into confessing!

Ha! He just confessed. He killed them. He doesn’t want them to know about his fetish? Oh come on. Give me a break.

So they’re just separating them and completely dismissing him as a dumbass? I love them. They’re just goading him into submitting himself. I love it.

I love this show.

Shit. That’s the killer. Damn.

What?! Oh god.

He just totally knocked that security guard to the floor. Damn.

Shit! He just walked into the police station like nobody’s business with a gun pointing at the security guard. Come on, man!

Yes! They got him! You go, Morgan! I love you so much!

Bah. That was awful.

Aww, Meyers sent them an article remembering the victims. So great.

They don’t need to mention the shooter. The victims are important. The assholes are now behind bars.

Mahatma Gandhi: “Remember that all through history there have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they seem invincible. But in the end, they always fall. Always.” Great, that’s very wise, Gandhi. But what about the period while they are raging terror? Huh?

Hey! What is Prentiss doing waiting in Hotch’s office? Come on.

I already love her tenacity.

Okay, I just fell in love with Emily Prentiss. I love her.

 Oaky, so let’s recap. Sickos killing people, really hate that part. Introducing Paget Brewster as Emily Prentiss, of course, fell in love with her immediately, even though it’s super hard for me to get over Elle leaving. Gideon was awesome as per usual. Lovely Derek and Penelope scenes. Though they were few. And overall? Just yuck over the entire case. It was weird, but won’t go unappreciated. See you all tomorrow <3

[rogue-rook]

many many highlights from The Crystal Kingdom from a first-time TAZ listener

featuring some bits from the Lunar Interlude II: Internal Affairs

travis: “it was streaming on witch. that’s like magical twitch!”

SWEET ANGO HAS RETURNED!

i cannot believe griffin went to the EFFORT of making a fantasy costco jingle

the lockpicking garden gnome called the Nitpicker that insults the damn party is a beyond brilliant object for sale at the fantasy costco

I really want to lodge a complaint with the HR department of the bureau of balance on sweet angus macdonald’s behalf bc these grown men are FULL ON BULLYING THIS TEN YEAR OLD BOY GENIUS

so is this new shitty scientist consultant lucas a bigger annoyance than shitty train butler wizard jenkins or does jenkins still retain that title

travis: "anything this touches turns to crystal?" griffin: "yeah, pink tourmaline" travis: "yeah, I'm not gonna say that, because I'm an adult"

CAREY FANGBATTLE is like on par with Jess the Beheader in terms of Cool Names

griffin: “so the three of you are currently sitting in a gondola, which is another word for a little boat” travis, singing: “the more you knoooowww”

“so it’s made of crystal, right?” “yes, everything is crystal” x1000000

the crystal kingdom song is beautiful

griffin: “you see a sign that says The Magical World Of Elevators” justin: “griffin's really stickin it to the people who say he's not allowed to have elevators in this game”

today in failed brand marketing: “Upsy, your lifting friend”

this arc is ACTUALLY set up like a video game level puzzle, when griffin says “ah, you’ve solved my crystal puzzle” it will actually apply

clint: “I rolled a 4 but I get another roll...a 5″ travis: “wow, you're really bad at dnd”

merle: “I'm gonna use Banishment on the cockroach” griffin: “okay, you're just gonna yell GET OUT OF HERE COCKROACH, I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE”

magnus is being fucking mean to lucas, the genius inventor, and he’s been a TOTAL DICK to sweet boy genius detective angus macdonald, and i feel like pointing out that he was WAYYY nicer to shitty evil wizard train butler jenkins who beheaded a guy with a teleportation door

griffin: “one of the signs is labeled Radiation Ventilation Maintenance Chamber, and the other is labeled Lil Genius BuddyBot R&D" travis: "I feel like this is a trick” clint: “I feel like griffin has been playing Fallout”

I LOVE HODGE PODGE THE LIL GENIUS BUDDYBOT!!! EVEN IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE EVIL, THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE MADE ME LOVE HIM PRETTY INSTANTLY AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT

hodge podge: “magnus! merle! take-o” goddamnit griffin

justin: “can we just put the stone of far speech in front of the robit and griffin, you can just talk to yourself?”

hodge podge is exactly the kind of unsettling demon robit with a mostly-adorable voice, except for when he goes demon-y, that I expected from griffy

justin: “my character taako has innate skills in: investigation, nature, history, religion, arcana, and religion” so is he double good at religion then

taako: “okay, I got a question for you: who....do we work for?”

lucas: “hey, are you just mean to everyone?” THANK GOD SOMEONE VOICED THIS LEGITIMATE FUCKING CONCERN, THE GRUBBY GRIFTERS ARE MONSTERS

clint: “I look up what scrumbled means” griffin: “justin said that in a Monster Factory once and I’ve been using it like it’s a real word” justin: “I am the lewis carroll of my generation”

noel the friendly medic robit’s voice started at vaguely-angus like and then became straight up country southern and i really hope somebody calls griffin on it

i really think griffin introduced the nitpicker so he could have a way of introducing his own critiques of his dad and brothers’ dnd skills

the little compact mirror has some shit in it that i think must be important

there’s a rift in space and time and pink tourmaline is coming out of it and the damn song is super ominous and making me MEGA NERVOUS and honestly i don’t know what the flying goddamn fuck is happening but i am SO INTO IT

lucas: “you’re just yelling hugbears at me” magnus: “BUG! HEARS!” “what” “what”

so is lucas just like holding these poor bugbears in fucking slavery

the grubby grifters discover the tourmalined body of boyland and magnus asked if he can DESECRATE THE GODDAMN BODY OF HIS TRAGICALLY DECEASED COWORKER

griffin: “these two figures are just taking these ice robits to Fool School”

awww they’re gonna fight one of my favorite little creepy crawlies! human sized tardigrades that will absolutely fuck their shit up!!! so cute

griffin: “you’re so loosey-goosey with your possessions! ‘hi scuddle-buddy! bye scuddle-buddy! go get on that train to hell!’”

clint/merle’s immediate panic when they decide the only option here is to CHOP HIS GODDAMN ARM OFF

killian, after picking lucas up: “THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST SHITTIEST DAY EVER, WE ARE TWO PEOPLE DOWN, YOUR LAB SUCKS!!” #relatable, I feel u killian

during this arc the mcelboys keep talking about how they don’t remember shit from the beginning of the show bc that was two years ago and im like what? what? that was three days ago, friends!! its bc ive binged this shit in under a WEEK

merle basically has a plant fetish okay, that’s the only reason this soul-wood shit worked

griffin: “it actually curls up and gives you a thumbs up as if to say 'hey! I'm your arm now!’”

so like this planar system shit is probably important, right

this parseltongue motherfucker that’s like fucking haunting the grubby grifters needs to start explaining what their whole, like, DEAL is

this Red Robe dude is having a FREAKOUT over the damn umbrella and im like mmmmm maybe taako shouldn’t have just taken the damn umbrella, no questions asked

killian’s scanner is having a major freakout over a lich being present and im like, yeah, its the fucking umbrella, yall

oh, real quick, the mcelboys gotta pause the action to whine at each other about character voices

killian: “I am going to ABSOLUTELY murder that man” yeah, killian remains the most goddamn relatable npc in this fucking world

i sure hope The Adventure Zone Zone doesn’t have any super important info in it, bc im not gonna listen to the mcelboys talk about the maxfun drive from two fucking years ago

the crystal golem just called the grubby grifters bounties, and said it was time for noelle the friendly medic robit and the grubby grifters to all go back to the astral plane and im like WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? GRIFFIN! WHAT?

OH FUCK ITS BEEN KRAVITZ THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME!!!!! KRAVITZ!!!!!

griffin: “a D6 is like a dice-ass-dice! that's like some monopoly shit!!”

kravitz: “i don’t even know how that even worked, like with physics”

taako: “luke! use the fork!” merle: “the fork will be with you, always”

magnus: “I want to roll an investigation check on noelle...I rolled a 2″ griffin: “okay well you know noelle is a robot”

YALL!! SHITTY TRAIN BUTLER WIZARD JENKINS AND MAGIC BRIAN THE GERMAN MORON BOTH CAME BACK!!

magic brian the german dumbass: “i had an invitation to my wedding for you, and instead of RSVP-ing, you murdered me!”

travis: “when you say they evaporate, do they go back to heaven or hell or the after plane, or whatever, or are they GONE?” griffin: “it kinda seems like you obliterated their soul. kinda seems like you just kinda ERASED them” travis: “you know, at the end of day, I punch people, but dad unmakes their existence, who's the real monster?”

the fact that noelle died in phandolin when the grubby grifters and gundren rockseeker turned the whole town to glass is so goddamn fucking tragic, THANKS GRIFFIN!!!!

lucas miller: yet more proof that dickin around with science and magic and mad scientist shit is always gonna end badly for everyone

kravitz: “taako, you’ve died eight times”...[...]..”magnus, you’ve died 19 times”...[...]...”merle highchurch, the richest bounty i have ever hunted, you have died 57 times” WHAT?? WHAT? WHAT???? WHAT???? GRIFFIN!!??? WHAT????

THIS STORYLINE IS LIT

griffin: “a legion of ghosts” justin: “great”

i think both griffin and I have forgotten that carey fangbattle and killian are in this scene. also merle has had a soul-bond wood arm this whole time

the grubby grifters beat a goddamn LEGION of ghost robits, or ghrobits, and then kravitz slides back into the scene all like “uh, hey, assholes, thanks for saving me, I’ll make up some legal loophole bullshit to thank you” that’s not a direct quote, that’s me editorializing. i fucking love kravitz

taako: "they found new bodies, just because they're mechanical doesn't mean the life is any less valid - battlestar galactica"

oh fuck magnus got a cheating deck of cards in like episode goddamn THREE and he just whips em out in episode fucking 39 against kravitz

kravitz, massively misunderstanding the assholes he’s talking to: “the rules of nature are there for a reason, so lets just stop running afoul of them, as if this all just funsy-fun make-believe!”

magnus: “kravitz! tell julia I love her” TRAVIS!!!! TRAVIS MCELROY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO MY HEART!!!

lucas: “you'll never see me again, but if you do, i'll be doing good, and please don't kill me instantly”

justin: “i give angus a thumbs down” motherfuckers

killian: “hell yes! I love this plan! me and carey, and a robot ghost with a gun arm! sounds like a plan!” magnus: “sounds like a spinoff!” killian: “that’s sounds like some torchwood shit!”

davenport the goddamn pokemon

on one hand, I’m really goddamn suspicious that the director isn’t actually destroying the relics but is collecting them for her own gain. but on the other hand, if this turns out to not be true, I will feel bad for suspecting her so hard

taako: “director, here’s the truth. what did you have for lunch on Dec 3 2015? you don’t remember right? that’s when you told us not to talk to the Red Robes. what’s I’m saying is WE FORGOT!”

YOOO THIS EPILOGUE PROPHECY IS SOOOOOOO COOOOOL GRIFFIN!!! WHAT IS THIS!!!! ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!

this was a wild wild wild wild ride and whatever griffin is doing with this story is LIT

[roman-winter]

ALL OF THOSE NUMBERS

WELP good thing ur the only one who actually sent me anything. HERE WE GO. every single number under the cut lmao

1. your favorite face claims

ZANE HOLTZ, MICHAEL TREVINO, BOB MORELY, STEPHEN JAMES, CAMERON MONAGHAN, if i could only use those faces for the rest of my rping life, i’d be perfectly happy, they’re my babes

2. your least favorite face claims

fcs i actively don’t like are p much bc people ruined them for me such as dane dehaan, xavier dolan, that blonde guy who’s always w xavier dolan and serval others that i never see around anymore anyway so it doesn’t really matter

3. face claims that you are dying to use

for the love of god someone actually let me use dj cotrona jfc. also miguel angel silvestre pleaseeeeee. and more zane holtzes always. like if u want a holy holtz, i’ll give him to you

4. face claims that you are dying to play against

rn i’m super into american gods so def both ricky whittle and emily browning. i’ve always wanted to play against a billie piper. every single person in this tag

5. your favorite original-verse oc (or one of your favorites)

shit that’s hard ummm i’m just gonna go w a current fav which is eli whitehall mostly bc of the amazing world that we’ve created for him and andrew and the like super amazing and rich backstory that has been developed, also just like playing a trans character who’s 50?? BEST THING EVER 10/10 WOULD RECOMMEND esp since he’s got the best husband in the world #relationshipgoals

6. your favorite fandom oc (or one of your favorites)

not technically an oc since his name is mentioned in the books BUT since the verse is so completely not canon he’s basically an oc AUGUSTUS ROOKWOOD ALL DAY EVERY DAY my love my light my fav i will keep playing him forever and ever and then a bit more

7. your favorite oc who isn’t yours (or one of your favorites)

can i just say every single one of @chrysalis-writes​‘ characters??? but like atm probably oliver who is the love of my life. like wtf is better than an unplanned ship just taking form out of nowhere and then being THE BEST SHIP EVER CREATED like fuck man i get emo when i think about oliver and how beautiful and pure and wonderful christine made him. i’m crying ok bye

8. your favorite fandom character to have played

rn my fav has to be richie gecko my trans son, i love fdtd w my whole soul and i love having the privilege of writing richie w my two fav ppl 

9. a fandom character who you would really like to play

hey guess what i want? i want to play bruce wayne in my horrible crossover crackship helldream that is ironbat, aka the best ship in the world. i want bruce wayne and tony stark to fuck and i have zero regrets

10. a fandom character who you would like to interact with

see above.

11. an rpg that meant a lot to you

knockturn meant the world to me and i’m so so glad that i’ve gotten to keep writing in that verse even if it’s outside of a group environment, but it was such a fantastic experience and so much fun to create that world with my best bruv and i’m so so proud of all the writing we did, everyone was just absolutely amazing, and it’s also how i met nikki GOD BLESS US EVERYONE

12. an rpg that you’re excited about

i just applied to an rp a few days ago and i’m pumped about maybe getting to be in that but i'm not gonna tag it bc i dunt wanna be that asshole but it’s all the worlds and it looks hella cool

13. an rpg that you’d like to create

lmao NONE i’m done w that game man. i still dream of bringing back knockturn w christine one day bc that was legit my fav rp that i’ve been part of but a lot of things about the rpc would have to change before i’d feel okay about putting that much work into something again

14. your favorite rp friendship

i’m not gonna say christine bc that’s a cop out and also we were friends years b4 rping 2gether, so i’m gonna throw a bone to my two favs SUZIE and NIKKI the loves of my life whom i am so so lucky to be friends with and get to write with, and if either of u read this i love youuuuuuu

15. your favorite rp otp

every single ship that i have w christine but mostly oliver and val alwayz

16. your favorite rp notp

lmao idk bro you’d be surprised about how many notps i have tbh i’m just quiet about it bc i mind my own business unlike some people :~~~)

17. your favorite rp family relationship

UM SETH AND RICHIE GECKO OFC WHO DO YOU THINK I WOULD SAY the first time we started a thread w them we were legit like wtf why have we never played bros???? and it was the best and i’m always emo about those two trans losers

18. your favorite rp universe/world

i’m super into the little sensate world we’ve got going bc we have such cool and amazing characters and evil jeff goldblum exists and the story we’ve got concocted is great and can you tell i’m just talking directly to you now christine? bc i definitely am, who else would read this whole thing????

19. your favorite non-playable character

that is very very hard bc i’m notoriously bad at npcs, but i luv valentin’s daughter, alexandra bc she’s just so sweet and kind and accepting and i love her and all of the cute little things that have and will happen with her interacting with val and all the other sensates KILLS ME

20. your first rp character

omfg my first chara was an oc when i was like eleven called lily lupin and she was remus’ secret brother’s child???? i remember nothing else about her but that. idk guys i was a weird child but i had a good time rping on an hp forum lmao

21. your latest rp character

ELECTRIFICATION KOZLOV who is a badass kgb agent during the cold war who i’m super excited to start writing soon. he’s awful and great and idk what happened but i have a thing w playing russian characters rn????

22. a plot that you’d like to play out

see numbers 9 and 10

23. a real-world setting that you’d like to use as the setting of a plot

i think i’ve got all the real world setting plots i want rn tbh i’m really into grabbing more supernatural plots!

24. your favorite rp genre

probably scifi, esp atm! i’m so so bad at science myself but i really do love playing inside a scifi environment that i didn’t have to build lmao

25. a quote you’d like to use to build a character on

omfg i’m the WORST but i really would love to build a few characters (probably like a 1x1x1) based on “you are jeff” just literally the whole damn poem. i’ve had some character relationships that mimicked the twins section of it very well, but i think it’d be super fun to literally base a plot on that

26. a song you’d like to use to build a character on

i just saw reeve carney live and i’ve been listing to his new album nonstop and “resurrection” would make a really REALLY good character song, so THAT!

27. a song you’d like to use to build an rp relationship on

i’ve had the need since the album came out to have a ship based on against me’s song “haunting haunted haunts” i feel like it could make a pretty good plot tbh and i’m always here for angst

[originalcontent]

On the Topic of Logic

Uuuuuugh okay. I don’t want to write a whole fucking essay in Skype of all things so here we go. Plus, I’m sure everyone is fucking tired of hearing from me rant from my polarizing anti-fascist biases. I guess I’m writing this here instead because while I will defend my ideals to the grave, it can get pretty exhausting.

If there’s something that I find morally objectionable, I have to go out of my way to argue it. I mean, I don’t always, I don’t even as much as I should, but leaving things unanswered gives me a gross feeling for a number of reasons. It’s fine if you’re looking to discuss things with me, but please, please, please actually look at my responses if that’s what you want to do? I can’t let other people in my direct circle of influence spread harmful ideologies in good conscious, I’m sorry. Something that people like to do is take my arguments and assume I’m making absolute statements, so I just want to say I’m not saying to never use logic, I’m not saying don’t call bullshit when necessary, I’m not saying violence is good. I’m sure you were all abundantly taught the merits of the converses by society already. You don’t need me to explain those to you. This isn’t a condemnation of well-accepted ideas, it’s just saying that there are flaws to them as well.

Part 1: Ethics do not follow formal logic

Before I start, I would like to ask a general favor. Please for the love of god, stop trying to explain logic and fallacies to me. I fucking know what a fallacy is. I’m especially partial to the straw man, or I must be, because that’s the one that I find used against me the most often. Some other fallacies that deserve honorable mentions. The slippery slope fallacy, that I may often seem to fall into. Except that historically, things actually are slippery slopes to bigger things. Plus, if you’re not going to speculate on potential consequences, what’s even the point of analyzing current events? I personally think it’s best to prepare for the worst case scenario, especially if the things you do to prepare are good and revolutionary acts that our society probably needs anyway. I know that I cannot predict the future. Next honorable mention is proof by repeated assertion. I will say statements and then a couple days/hours/minutes/whatever later, I will see the exact same arguments, again, that I had already refuted in the first place. I’m glad you like the nonviolent movements of the past in India and 60’s America! I’m glad you’re happy with the results! I hope that you can acknowledge that these movements were only successful because they were partnered with more radical, violent movements! Like, I understand that you don’t always want to read through all of the links I post, but in that case take my word for what they say, don’t just ignore them! And then there’s ad homenim. You know what, I think that itself needs its own section so let’s shelve that one and come back to it later. Same with false equivalencies, I’ll get to those soon. Point being I know what fallacies are. I know what logic is. I’m betting on the fact that most other people can conceptualize basic logic as well. They may not show their work every step of the way, but assuming that they don’t and that they need you to explain logic to them is incredibly disrespectful. If you’re telling someone to “be logical” then you’re really, really an asshole. If logic is flawed, sure, you can point that out, but that doesn’t discredit a whole argument, nor does it replace a counterpoint.

The title pretty much says it all here, but I’m currently taking philosophy classes, so let’s talk about formal logic.

First off, logic should not be your gold standard for truth. The (albeit very, very simplified) way that logic works is you take a set of precedents and deprive other statements from them. (You know, Socrates was a man, all men are mortal, therefore Socrates was mortal. Not rocket science.) The way you measure logic is if it’s valid or invalid, not true and untrue. That’s right folks, just because logic is invalid, that doesn’t mean the conclusion is false! And the reverse is also true. Assuming that logic and reality match up is my actual, absolute, personal favorite fallacy, the fallacy fallacy, the assumption that imperfect logic leads to a wrong conclusion. For example: “others using formal logic as the end-all of discussions frustrates 312, 312 is frustrated, so others must be abusing their abilities to cite formal logic.” There are plenty of other things that could have frustrated me, the logic here is unsound, but the conclusion is still true. (Apologies for passive-aggression, although to be honest I’m not feeling all that kind right now.) Furthermore “312 enjoys debating ideas, 312 is currently debating ideas, so 312 must be enjoying this!” Here are some true premises with perfect logic and a false conclusion.

You might argue for the first case that the result was just come up with by chance, but it can’t be independently accepted as truth because the premises didn’t contain enough information to form a valid conclusion. For the second you might argue that my issue is in my premises here. My statements were true, but they weren’t universally true. And then I would congratulate you on having come up with such a great and original points that had in no way ever occurred to me before you so graciously enlightened me. Then, we can proceed to break them down. The first example was in fact a case where precedents didn’t fit together into a clear message, and the second indeed did not have precedents that always held. But I can’t possibly think of a real-world example that doesn’t have clear and objective premises. Oh wait, now that I’m typing it a few examples are coming to me.

Am I straw-manning your argument? I’m very sorry. You know what, to clear up the confusion, why don’t you send me all of your opinions on these issues and logically why you have them, fully explained and everything. If anyone needs that from me, message me because I’ve literally already done that on several occasions.

In the meantime, I’m going to do my own little logical proof, right here.

Premises:

There is no objective moral truth

Logic without inherently true premises will never lead to inherently true conclusions

Conclusion: You can’t use fucking logic to discuss moral issues and have it be correct.

I may have skipped a few steps there, but I don’t have the patience and I think you get the idea. When discussing ethics, you have to make up your own criteria, your own precedents, because nothing about ethics is logical. Sure, you could argue lots of things. For example, that if people are good to each other then that helps society which therefore benefits the people, but not all people benefit from society, and who’s to say what makes any society better than anything else? I have a set of premises that I deem to be correct. They basically boil down to “A fair and just society for all people is good.” And how about “all people deserve basic human rights.” I don’t know what yours all are! I do know that I don’t have any rational explanation for these ideas aside from that I believe them to be right. Because that’s how this whole thing works. There’s no formula for right and wrong, so stop trying to find one. Instead just do your best to make the world a better place however you feel that’s possible.

Part 2: Ad homenim does not necessarily apply in cases of politics.

Well, if that isn’t a provocative title. As I stated above, nothing in ethics is right by any objective measure. I really wish we could set down some objective truths, like say, genocide is a bad thing, but apparently that’s fucking controversial. So here we go.

I do need to put a huge disclaimer on this to say what I am not saying. I am not saying I think you can just take anything that anyone you don’t like says is false. 7+5=12 no matter who the person who says that is. As much as I hate it, you can’t always just listen to assholes and take the opposite of whatever they say (although honestly that’s not as bad a strategy as one would think.) I’m not saying that it never applies, I’m saying that it doesn’t necessarily apply.

For anyone who doesn’t know, ad homenim is the practice of targeting the person who made an argument rather than the argument itself. It is my belief that that should be reserved for purely logical debates, not as applied to society at large.

Some context for what specifically inspired me to make this post, earlier this week there’s been a theme of discussing violent resistance to nazism and fascism. On Wednesday someone posted, in response, “‘An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind’ -Mahatma Gandhi.” I made a comment that we should keep in mind all of the bad things Gandhi had done. The response was of course “ad homenim.” I had to go right then, but when I got back there were a shit ton of messages. One person said that I hadn’t argued with the quote, I had just made a statement, to which his response was “why bother putting that there in the first place.” Someone (bless her soul) cited the fallacy fallacy at him, and he responded with “well yeah but this was a very simple case of ad homenim. You shouldn’t use fallacies like that because they’re very easy to refute.” The two who had tried to defend me started trying to address him and the quote, and they kept getting the response of “well what 312 said wasn’t even relevant to the quote, you need to argue with the quote itself.” They were effectively shut down in terms of having an actual discussion, and I’m sorry for that because I had supplied him (and one other) with the means by which to do that. By the time I was online again I scrolled up to read the whole exchange, but everyone had moved on from this topic and it was abundantly clear that no one wanted to return to it, so I let it be. Then of course, I did as I do and grew bitter that I hadn’t been there to argue and started to stew in my bitterness until this post came into being. There we have it, the secret origin story of my unbridled rage.

Call that bullshit for unreliable narration, whatever. I’m not here to talk about that exchange any more than I’m going to express my pissed-off-ness at a couple people. I’m going to talk about why my original statement did not qualify as ad homenim!

I stress, earlier this week we had already been discussing violent resistance. We had already made all sorts of arguments on both sides. We had already pointed these people to a number of sources discussing why nonviolence is objectionable. Posting an image with this quote that all of us probably already knew added nothing new to this discussion. This quote did not stand alone in place of arguments. All it really managed to achieve was bringing famous people into the midst, in this case Gandhi. Whether or not you realized it, posting that quote was an entirely ethos-based argument. Ethos, for those who haven’t taken an english class, refers to an rhetorical tactic that appeals to authority. Thus it’s separate from pathos, emotional rhetoric, and logos, logical rhetoric, aka the literal only one of these three where logical fallacies apply in the first place. Like actually. The only response to appeals to authority is attack of character? How do you even expect me to argue with that quote? There’s nothing to argue! All the quote is is a baseless claim making a general statement meant to be inspirational. Which is great if there’s something new to take from it, but there’s not. Seriously, the fuck do you expect me to say? “No, actually the first person would lose an eye, then the second person would lose an eye, and then everyone else would be left alone”? Oh huh, I guess there is a logical response to that quote, my bad.

Actually, if you’ll indulge a tangent, remember when up there discussing fallacies I said I’d come back to false equivalencies later? Specifically the whole “eye for an eye” or “hate breeds hate” kind of thing. Other people on this website have stated that you can’t equate the hate of oppressors to the hate of the oppressed for their oppressors in far more eloquent terms than I can. Nazis hate jewish people, for instance, because they view them as inferior and inherently deserving of death. Jewish people might hate nazis because they literally want them dead. That hate is not just as bad! Violence coming from jewish people is self-defense! They can’t make a choice about their ethnicity, and nazis will want them dead regardless, whereas nazi ideologies are absolutely a choice, it’s people choosing to believe they’re superior and everyone else should be killed.

Back on the topic of ad hominem, in terms of politics and social change, everyone has an agenda. Many quotes seem very reasonable if you just take them at face value. You need to look at who’s saying them and why they’re saying them to understand what they mean. For example, the statement “Make America Great Again” might not sound too bad in of itself, but when you look at the platform associated with that line, you’ll realize that that’s a white supremacist statement. There’s nothing about that statement that’s white supremacist. It’s advocating for greatness, that’s all. I’m sure you know that to not be true. Political figures do this all the time, where they make a general, wide-reaching statement that you can critically analyze to see it doesn’t necessarily benefit who you think it would. (Such as conservatives calling for “safer neighborhoods,” when really what they want is stronger police forces.) Or where they call an initiative something seemingly unprovocative while including not-so-great policy in it if you bother to look past clever wording. Who says things matters. Who pushes things matters. Freedom and opportunity mean very different things to me then they do to libertarians, for instance. We could say the exact same sentence about wanting to protect freedom and opportunity, and it would still mean completely different things. So I’m just saying that if you decide to focus on statements themselves rather than who’s saying them, especially in the case of anything even remotely having to do with politics, you’re blind sighting yourself.

I had more to say, but to be honest I’m somewhat tired. Sorry, I’ll try to write more later.

One more thing:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/09/playing-devils-advocate/ Normally when I send this one to people I make sure to do it very nicely, but you know what? Right now I’m not feeling very nice. The role of a devil’s advocate is to represent perspectives not present in order to get somewhere constructive from a different angle. The role is not to argue against any points brought up. Read this, memorize this, love this, learn to live by this, I am actually 100% serious here.

That’s it for now.

Hope you got something out of it. I’ll probably write something about opinions, that’s another important issue. Well, 312 out.

[marcusssanderson]

50 Best Anthony Bourdain Quotes On Life, Food & Travel

As a chef, author, and T.V. personality, Anthony Bourdain traveled the world with one mission: to find out what people like to cook and what makes people happy.

He was a conduit for igniting wanderlust and bridging the gap between inaccessible culinary masterpieces and the cultures in which they are entwined.

The world cherished Bourdain as the alternative, rule-breaking, bad- boy chef who took initiative to make the world a more inclusive place through his many cultural collaborations featuring the one thing that brings us all together: food.

He had a big appetite and an even bigger heart and thirst for adventure. You would never find Bourdain in the same place, he was constantly exploring and sharing his revelries with the world, teaching us more about life, food, happiness, and adventure.

We remember Anthony Bourdain as someone who’s attitude and outlook on food and life was unparalleled. His passion infected the nation and his words are a reminder of the legacy he has left behind. Pay tribute to his memory and reflect on your own adventures with the following quotes.

  50 Best Anthony Bourdain Quotes On Life, Food & Travel

  1.) “Food is everything we are. It’s an extension of nationalist feeling, ethnic feeling, your personal history, your province, your region, your tribe, your grandma. It’s inseparable from those from the get-go.” – Anthony Bourdain

2.) “You learn a lot about someone when you share a meal together.” –  Anthony Bourdain

3.) “Bad food is made without pride, by cooks who have no pride, and no love. Bad food is made by chefs who are indifferent, or who are trying to be everything to everybody, who are trying to please everyone… Bad food is fake food… food that shows fear and lack of confidence in people’s ability to discern or to make decisions about their lives.” –  Anthony Bourdain

4.) “To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living.” –  Anthony Bourdain

5.) “Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don’t have.” –  Anthony Bourdain

6.) “Your body is not a temple. It’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.” – Anthony Bourdain

7.) “If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. Walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food. It’s a plus for everybody.” – Anthony Bourdain

8.) “Barbecue may not be the road to world peace, but it’s a start.” – Anthony Bourdain

9.) “In America, the professional kitchen is the last refuge of the misfit. It’s a place for people with bad pasts to find a new family.” – Anthony Bourdain

10.) “Do we really want to travel in hermetically sealed popemobiles through the rural provinces of France, Mexico and the Far East, eating only in Hard Rock Cafes and McDonald’s? Or do we want to eat without fear, tearing into the local stew, the humble taqueria’s mystery meat, the sincerely offered gift of a lightly grilled fish head?” – Anthony Bourdain

11.) Meals make the society, hold the fabric together in lots of ways that were charming and interesting and intoxicating to me. The perfect meal, or the best meals, occur in a context that frequently has very little to do with the food itself. – Anthony Bourdain

12.) The Italians and Spanish, the Chinese and Vietnamese see food as part of a larger, more essential and pleasurable part of daily life. Not as an experience to be collected or bragged about – or as a ritual like filling up a car – but as something else that gives pleasure, like sex or music, or a good nap in the afternoon. – Anthony Bourdain

13.) “I travel around the world, eat a lot of s—, and basically do whatever the f— I want.” – Anthony Bourdain

14.) “I’d put aside my psychotic rage, after many years being awful to line cooks, abusive to waiters, bullying to dishwashers. It’s terrible — and counter-productive — to make people feel like idiots for working hard for you.” – Anthony Bourdain

15.) “Travel is about the gorgeous feeling of teetering in the unknown.” – Anthony Bourdain

16.) “Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life—and travel—leaves marks on you.” – Anthony Bourdain

17.) “To be treated well in places where you don’t expect to be treated well, to find things in common with people you thought previously you had very, very little in common with, that can’t be a bad thing.” – Anthony Bourdain

18.) I don’t have much patience for people who are self-conscious about the act of eating, and it irritates me when someone denies themselves the pleasure of a bloody hunk of steak or a pungent French cheese because of some outdated nonsense about what’s appropriate or attractive. – Anthony Bourdain

19.) Anyone who’s a chef, who loves food, ultimately knows that all that matters is: ‘Is it good? Does it give pleasure? –Anthony Bourdain

20.) “I don’t have to agree with you to like you or respect you.” – Anthony Bourdain

21.) “Assume the worst. About everybody. But don’t let this poisoned outlook affect your job performance. Let it all roll off your back. Ignore it. Be amused by what you see and suspect. Just because someone you work with is a miserable, treacherous, self-serving, capricious, and corrupt asshole shouldn’t prevent you from enjoying their company, working with them, or finding them entertaining.” – Anthony Bourdain

22.) “The way you make an omelet reveals your character.” – Anthony Bourdain

23.) “If you’re twenty-two, physically fit, hungry to learn and be better, I urge you to travel – as far and as widely as possible. Sleep on floors if you have to. Find out how other people live and eat and cook. Learn from them – wherever you go.” – Anthony Bourdain

24.) “No one understands and appreciates the American Dream of hard work leading to material rewards better than a non-American.” – Anthony Bourdain

25.) “What nicer thing can you do for somebody than make them breakfast?” – Anthony Bourdain

26.) “It’s very rarely a good career move to have a conscience.” – Anthony Bourdain

27.) “Context and memory play powerful roles in all the truly great meals in one’s life.” – Anthony Bourdain

28.) “Basic cooking skills are a virtue… the ability to feed yourself and a few others with proficiency should be taught to every young man and woman as a fundamental skill. [It’s] as vital to growing up as learning to wipe one’s own a–, cross the street by oneself, or be trusted with money.” – Anthony Bourdain

29.) “Luck is not a business model.” – Anthony Bourdain

30.) “Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” – Anthony Bourdain

31.) “Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” – Anthony Bourdain

32.) “When dealing with complex transportation issues, the best thing to do is pull up with a cold beer and let somebody else figure it out.” – Anthony Bourdain

33.) “Without experimentation, a willingness to ask questions and try new things, we shall surely become static, repetitive, and moribund.” – Anthony Bourdain

34.) “I am not afraid to look like an idiot.” – Anthony Bourdain

35.) “I, personally, think there is a real danger of taking food too seriously. Food should be part of the bigger picture.” – Anthony Bourdain

36.) “Without new ideas success can become stale.” – Anthony Bourdain

37.) “Don’t lie about it. You made a mistake. Admit it and move on. Just don’t do it again. Ever.” – Anthony Bourdain

38.) “I’m a big believer in winging it. I’m a big believer that you’re never going to find perfect city travel experience or the perfect meal without a constant willingness to experience a bad one. Letting the happy accident happen is what a lot of vacation itineraries miss, I think, and I’m always trying to push people to allow those things to happen rather than stick to some rigid itinerary.” – Anthony Bourdain

39.) “I’ve long believed that good food, good eating, is all about risk. Whether we’re talking about unpasteurized Stilton, raw oysters or working for organized crime ‘associates,’ food, for me, has always been an adventure” – Anthony Bourdain

40.) “I always entertain the notion that I’m wrong, or that I’ll have to revise my opinion. Most of the time that feels good; sometimes it really hurts and is embarrassing.” – Anthony Bourdain

41.) “The journey is part of the experience – an expression of the seriousness of one’s intent. One doesn’t take the A train to Mecca.” – Anthony Bourdain

42.) “People are generally proud of their food. A willingness to eat and drink with people without fear and prejudice… they open up to you in ways that somebody visiting who is driven by a story may not get.” – Anthony Bourdain

43.) “There is no Final Resting Place of the Mind.” – Anthony Bourdain

44.) “Sometimes the greatest meals on vacations are the ones you find when Plan A falls through.” – Anthony Bourdain

45.) “Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.” – Anthony Bourdain

46.) “For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we’ve all had to become disappears, when we’re confronted with something as simple as a plate of food.” – Anthony Bourdain

47.) “I am not a fan of people who abuse service staff. In fact, I find it intolerable. It’s an unpardonable sin as far as I’m concerned, taking out personal business or some other kind of dissatisfaction on a waiter or busboy.” – Anthony Bourdain

48.) “An ounce of sauce covers a multitude of sins.” – Anthony Bourdain

49.) “Our movements through time and space seem somehow trivial compared to a heap of boiled meat in broth, the smell of saffron, garlic, fishbones and Pernod.” – Anthony Bourdain

50.) “It’s been an adventure. We took some casualties over the years. Things got broken. Things got lost. But I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” – Anthony Bourdain

Anthony Bourdain was an American treasure. His thirst for the weird, crazy, and unusual inspired many to explore outside their own comforts.

The charismatic and silver-tongued chef and adventurer broke borders and brought new cultures into living rooms across the nation, a gift that we may never truly appreciate. May his words continue to inspire, ignite, and challenge us to embrace the unknown.

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