#I am team hold your hand at the dentist. just fucking ask me

[barin-mclegg]

What fucked up social rule is this supposed to be about. Don't ask people that are in your life to help and support you and be helped and supported to help you with something or spend quality time together? Are people going insane? Am I going insane? Is this another nt rule that I can't hope to understand, like "you have to phrase things that are demands as questions"?

[ghostjelliess]

I'm so sick of being the "interesting" patient to various general healthcare people. Dentist, orthodontist, oral surgeon, optometrist, general doc, everyone. They all gotta say something about how interesting my body is, as if I don't know that's code for "fucked up."

What's it like going anywhere for normal human maintenance with a working vehicle? I wouldn't know, I was born the modern equivalent of a 1957 amateur restoration project: guts out. It's only been wear and tear downhill since. But at least as an adult they stopped bringing all their friends in to look at the anomalies on the big projector screens in front of me so I could hyper fixate on all their big science words before bed for months.

Now when they bring their friends in, when they video conference and hold their phones to my face, flash-on, I call them my team and am much less embarrassed cus I know how weird all bodies are. But still, it must be nice to have been born with a make/model that matches your generation, or I guess to have had the expert mechanic to restore everything well, the investor to keep the timeline on-track.

Jokes on me though, cus there was no normalized procedure before, I was part of the experiment, I was lucky to be in the later batches that survived well enough to be handed over to normal doctors. This is good, I am grateful, but it's a weird third-culture kind of intersection. I guess in this metaphor I'm actually a UFO spaceship that the generalist-specialiats are a little confused and excited by. Cus the oral surgeon didn't even blink at the trauma lines in my mandible—man spends every single early morning surgery slot reconstructing spaceships, was not phased. Everyone else though? Everyone else gets a little too excited, and I'm just feeling a little self conscious about that today.

I guess this is why people stick with one person, cus then you only have to explain once. Unfortunately, explaining once is not an option in the New England healthcare landscape, cus even the optometrist I've had for six years forgets everything cus he has a billion patients. I'm known as "special hazel girl" and it doesn't sound weird in his old man accent, but we both know the special is just another word for interesting, and they both mean shaken, not stirred. I don't call him "my optometrist" either. I do, however, know his name.

Anyway, I have my first general dentist appointment next week after three years of reconstructing from a traumatic injury (as in: caused by blunt force trauma) that happened when I was ten. I'm never going to be able to not explain, no matter how much I look okay now, no matter how faint or hidden the massive scars become, or how many times I circle this country like a drain, because they're written on my bones, and sometimes it's embarrassing, but mostly I like it. No matter how I grow and recover to overcome twenty years of duct tape and WD-40 handcrafted poverty-solutions, the evidence remains. The suffering endured is still visible, but rather than a fresh bruise or a new line of stitches patched with those stupidly fat white square bandages, it's flexible, maybe even wise. I can think of myself as a classic and move on the road with ease, and maybe it's not so bad that the enthusiasts stop at gas stations to applaud the reconstruction, and maybe it's not the worst when amateurs ask what happened in that surreal gawk. Maybe it just means I'm still alive enough to endure the attention and aware enough to feel a little embarrassed by it. At least the guts are on the inside now, and doing pretty okay given the mileage.

But twenty years is a long time to run a malfunction, and now I'm learning what all these new dash lights mean. It's overwhelming. The stories are anticlimactic, the mental trauma recovered long before the physical, maybe numbed into acceptance, and caused different kinds of staccato bruises as I dragged myself up ladders. But now, the healthy and stable results I'm currently experiencing (not done, but almost there) gave me a functioning cloaked spaceship, and continue to confirm everything I knew. Angry road rage-y people have passed by my whole life while people around me said things like "that wasn't because of you, you can't even tell, it looks fine, if it still hurts, take some more Motrin," and now it doesn't hurt and it does look fine and you actually can't tell much if I don't want you to, and people don't road rage past me anymore.

I'm mad about it. I'm mad they lied to me, I'm mad I knew they were lying, and I'm mad I was right. It doesn't matter if the physical recovery allowed me to get up to speed and move more confidently or if the cloaking worked and people stopped rubbernecking past me, either way, my daily experience in the world is drastically changed. It's overwhelming and underwhelming in aggravatingly equal measure.

Except that when I go into the doctor or dentist or optometrist, I still become interesting and special. Maybe someday that will be a comfort, but right now it's still an anxiety-inducing irritation. Not because I don't want to be interesting or special, I was born a spaceship, it's fine, but because of the endless novacaine needles that follow, the exhausting choices to intentionally mutilate and endure pain because of improper healing and patches on patchjobs that have molded into me for decades and the other damages of coping for so long; to face the consequences of choices made for me, to trust the medical professionals standing over me despite a history of shoddy snake-oil promises by others wearing the same coats and charging half the price. I'm angry that people lie, to their children and themselves and each other in the name of comfort, and they never have to endure the repercussions. No matter how curious I am, I won't know the whole story of my own anomalies, and it's exhausting to walk into the same offices and be eroded with the same tidal questions: why is it like this? Why did they do that? Why didn't they try this? Why did this happen?

I don't know. I'm just a spaceship. Maybe this isn't even my home. Please don't hurt me if you don't have to. Please let me be mundane and uninteresting in the ways that don't matter to me.

But also, thank you.

[faerie-goddess]

my chronic migraine/brain trauma/ptsd timeline is actually:

infancy was spent with horrendous ear infections that led to the discovery im allergic to penicillin and my left ear suffered major ear damage, i could only hear 75% as a child, its worse now. i had to have speech therapy as it affected how i learned to speak. -ages 1-3

whacked in the head with golf club (frontal bone, left side above eye) had to get stitches - age 3

first distinct memories of having migraines - grade school

got glasses; actually remember parents, fam and doctor encouraging/hoping/praying it would fix my migraines - 3rd grade

glasses dont magically fix migraine issue, lots of going to doctor and a neurologist, tests, CT scans, diet restrictions, pills, and weekends spent in the dark with a wet rag on my head while my parents hosted parties - 4th grade

dentist realizes i will need braces but also orders removal of 8 teeth and then i had spacers :) - 4th grade also!!

neurologist told my parents good news is nothing is showing up. i dont actually have any idea what was actually concluded. i only remember stopping the medicine(s) and being told we would go back after puberty????? i think it was abandoned and assumed i would "grow out of it" - between 4th and 5th grade

"your dad has enlisted and will be going away for 3 months for basic training" - 5th grade oh yeah so that explains why it was suddenly dropped.

lots of moments with my best friend erica's family on trips spent puking in public or their car from my migraines amd calls to my parents and my sweet friend stroking my head for me. when we played pretend at sleepovers we would try old school witchcraft and even resorted to black magic to try to cure me. light as a feather but her head stiff as a board no cap - 6th grade

me to my dad one summer day in the BK drive thru: hey dad... my left hand and arm are tingly hehehe is this puberty?

dad: hold these fries we are going to the ER right now

*hours later* ER doc: ah yes what your daughter is experiencing are migraine PRE-symptoms its quite normal for those who suffer from migraines often. its like a warning bell youre about to have one. hope this helps. thank you come again. -summer before 7th grade. this was the day i realized migraines are just basically microdosing having a stroke. i realized i could have a stroke one day over age 30 and i will chalk it up to another pesky ole migraine and will die. sometimes the problems choose you. this day/revelation was a major pillar in my decision to never get pregnant. in a nutshell: my quality of life already sucks lmao fuck adding more shit to it.

"your dad and i have decided its best we are your parents separately. oh also your dad is deploying to iraq so like though separate, we are united. okay? okay." - 7th grade

rehearsed cheer routine during halftime game for junior cheer team, i was a flyer, was thrown into basket toss, wasnt caught on my way down. i remember it all. everything about that day. everything but when i blacked out when i hit the ground. coach jumped onto field running to check on me, my mother screamed "my baby my baby my baby" made a huge show. i stood up and finished routine bc i am committed. it wasnt until i was re-telling this story at age 29 to my boss that i actually had a eureka moment when boss asked me "what did the ER say after? i bet you had a concussion!!! you poor thing!" and I was like "ummm what do you mean? my mom took me home?" I blacked out after hitting the ground for an unknown amount of time, and i was not even taken to get looked at after. - 7th grade, dad was deployed so i bet he would have taken me tbh.

migraines raged on, but remained fallen to the wayside because when my parents got too wrapped up in themselves, my migraine pain was dismissed, gaslit or simply ignored. (or made fun of.) i accepted there was no fixing it anymore and had for a long time, and was committed to just ... dealing with it. especially when kicked out my fathers house the summer i graduated high school, and was then promptly without health insurance until age 28. dealing with them is all i know.

i should add my rape to the timeline. most of it i dont recall. thank fucking heavens. but because it was a huge gap in time, i should consider if i received any head trauma during as well. who knows. the alcohol addiction i fell into after most definitely damaged my brain either way. - age 19.

so yeah if you see me getting uppity with either of my parents NOW who have the fucking balls to try to tell me "why dont you try using mind over matter?" im going to say with no holds barred right back to them "let me hit your head with a golf club and you tell me if YOU can use mind over matter"

im done with their narrative of throwing up their hands and being like welp oh well what can you do??? because what i have been doing is connecting all the fucking dots in my childhood and theyre painting a very obvious picture.

my migraines have to stem from BRAIN TRAUMA right?

i have huge memory lapses in most of my childhood and thats partly from many times spent laying with migraines and also because some blocks are there on purpose. one babysitter my brother and i had was abusive. she did a lot of fucked up things that i remember and i know she did worse bc recently these memories have been resurfacing to me!!! i will only mention what i think relates to migraines: this bitch would lock all the older kids outside every single day (i was one of the older kids) for hours and never would allow us back inside for anything. i was severely dehydrated and prob suffered from mild heat strokes. i remember crying my eyes out to her husband on a harder day when he would always bring the one alotted cup of apple juice bc i hated apple juice and would wail for water. i remember and even discussed in therapy how when i told my parents this they didnt take action. but when i told my grandma the babysitter ripped my 1 year old brother off her couch holding him by just 1 arm to toss his ass on the floor THEN did we finally get told we would be going to a new babysitter. again new memories have been resurfacing but only in flashes and i k n o w i suffered abuse there. i remember trying to find words for the shit i was seeing at age 6 that i didnt know the words to yet because i was 6 that now when these memories present themselves im reminded of how bad it was.

its just beyond infuriating and frustrating now all because my parents had it in their minds i would "grow out of it" so now that we are here presently still with my migraines.... unchanging. still roaring. still chronic. (nothings changed but my routine in preventing and caring which is damn better now that i am in control as a responsible adult BTW.) now that all proof of childhood neglect is staring them in the fucking face theyre blaming me actively in the tone of "you STILL cant figure them out?" which is.... hello???????? hello?!?!!! where do i even begin with that statement....

i just wanted to make this list to remind myself it isnt all in my head.

[sapphicmsmarvel]

JJ: Pregnancy PT 4- Labor

masterlist

-You and Reid were the only ones that hadn’t gone to Maryland. You couldn’t fly because you were in your third trimester, and Reid, well, he had to get requalified to shoot a gun later that day. 

-Reid, you and Garcia were in Garcias lair, Garcia was researching as you and Reid put your input in.

-You were currently diving into your most prominent pregnancy craving, popcorn dipped in pickle juice. Yes, it was quite disgusting to others, including Garcia who told you, “if you spill pickle juice, I will ensure that your child's first word is a swear word.” To which you laughed. 

-But then, you felt a sharp pain. You winced, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. It had been happening earlier in the day, you were sure it was braxton hicks contractions, you dealt with them last week, wasted a whole hospital visit checking them out. You were waiting until your actual water broke. 

-You sighed, “I’m gonna go get some cookies and dip them in peanut butter.” They both chuckled, your cravings changed constantly. 

-As you got up, you felt something, it felt like discharge but you knew it wasn’t. “Guys,” You breathed.

-They both turned, “my water broke.” You breathed. Oh, how you were absolutely terrified. 

-Garcia squealed. “Oh my God!’ She turned to Reid, “you take her to the hospital. I’ll call JJ, Hotch said she could fly in no matter where they were in the case.” 

“Take my car, it has my pregnancy bag.” You handed Reid your lanyard that had the keys. 

-He gently guided you to the car. People stared, people congratulated you, it was all very odd, you hated the attention but appreciated the sentiment. He got you to the car, buckled in, and prepared for the hospital. 

-Another contraction hit, you groaned, “I swear to fucking god if this labor takes longer than 24 hours, I will kill someone.” “Did you know the longest labor was 75 days?” Reid nervously babbled off as you guys pulled out of the parking lot. 

You felt like you were gonna throw up, “Reid…” You trailed off. 

He took the hint, “the shortest labor was two minutes.” He offered. 

You sighed, “that’s much better.”

“Taller women are more likely to give birth to twins.”

“Thank God, we checked. There’s one bitch in there.”

You looked at Reid to see him smile slightly, “should you be cussing since babies can hear you in the womb?”

“Should you be criticising the mother?” You punched his shoulder jokingly and he smiled back.

Then you winced, another sharp pain radiating through your stomach, “speed Reid, we get pulled over, we show our badges and say a baby is about to pop out of my vagina.” 

“On it.” He swallowed. 

-You heard your guys’ phones go off, pinging constantly, you answered JJ’s call. “Hey babe.” 

“Are you okay? How dilated are you? Are you eating ice chips?” “If going into labor and being a pain is okay, then yes I am. I don’t know and no. I’m not at the hospital yet.” 

“I’m boarding the plane now, the team is staying behind. Am I on speaker?” 

“Yeah.”

“Reid, you stay with her no matter what.” “Already was planning on it.” Reid answered as you guys turned into the parking lot of the hospital. 

“Okay, when will you be here?”

“3 hours tops. I love you so much, goodbye.” “I love you too.” You answered. 

-Reid got you into the waiting room, shouting, “we have a woman in labor!” 

-That got their attention. 

-In ten minutes you were in a private room, Reid was next to you, holding your hand. They had brought you ice chips, then the doctor came in. 

-Before you let him even touch you or your baby you said, “listen here buddy, if you put a husband stitch in me I will destroy your career. I will sue your ass. Do you understand? Cause if you don’t understand, I will find another doctor. Don't test me.” 

He nodded and said, “of course. Would you be more comfortable with a woman?” He offered. 

You shook your head. 

-He said you were at 2 centimeters, so you had a lot of time to kill. Reid went out and got your bag, you guys tossed a stress ball back and forth, colored a coloring book that you had in your bag, read a book that you had stashed for this exact reason. 

-You felt your anxiety crawling up your throat, the hot feeling of anxiety crept up your arms. “Reid, talk to me about something. Anything, any random fact in that head of yours.” 

“Hitler invented sex dolls.” “What?”

“He wanted to keep his soldiers away from prostitutes, so he invented the dolls.”

“Not gonna lie, I didn’t expect that one.” 

-Thus, that started a whole discussion about random facts. 

“A dentist invented the electric chair.”

“That makes sense, I feel like dentists are just people who haven’t discovered certain kinks yet, with all the weird ass tools they use.” 

“You can’t bring a furby into the pentagon.”

“Sounds about right, they are the devil.”

“Mary Shelley allegedly lost her virginity on her mother's grave.”

“That is so fucked up.” 

-JJ arrived 3 hours later, right when you were 6 centimeters. She ran in and gave you a kiss right on the lips. “Keep that up and we’re gonna make another baby.” You said. 

“That’s not how it works.” She giggled. 

“I know, but don’t give me any ideas.” 

-She said hi to Reid and said, “this is gonna be another 5 hours, you can go home.” “I drove Y/N’s car, you guys are stuck with me.”

At least you weren’t left in bad company. 

-Pretty soon you were getting irritable and sweaty.  JJ asked Reid to go get you more ice chops, he went happily, you were being a bit of a bitch but he couldn’t be mad at you, you were extremely uncomfortable. 

JJ wet a towel that was in your bag and patted it onto your forehead, “I’m sorry.” You mumbled.

“It’s okay, baby.” She said,

You sighed, “I’m gonna buy Reid a book after this, I’ve been a pain in the ass.” 

“He understands.” She said softly. 

“I still feel bad. I can be a real bitch.” “At least you’re beautiful.” 

You scoffed, “I’m sweaty, bitchy, hungry and pissed off. How can I be beautiful right now?” 

“You are.” She shrugged, “you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, you have the most beautiful soul, you are a loving mother to the boys and the little one in there. I love you more than anything.” Your eyes were watering, she gave you a kiss. 

-Reid came back to you crying, he was really confused and worried. “What happened?” 

“JJ’s being a sweetheart. I’m okay, hey Reid?” You sniffed. “Yeah?” He asked, handing you the ice chips. “I love you,” you squeezed his hand. 

“I love you too.” He smiled and kissed your forehead. 

-The pain was getting worse, which meant you were getting closer to the birth of the baby. The doctor came in after Reid went and got him. “You’re about to become a mom Y/N.” The doctor said. 

-Your eyes widened, “oh God.” 

-The doctor told Reid that only the moms were allowed there and the nurses. He left but didn’t go far, he stood outside the door. 

-His stomach lurched when he heard your screaming. You were his best friend and you were in pain. 

-JJ was trying to keep her cool, she was worried obviously. You were her wife and her child was coming today. 

-After a painful thirty minutes, you guys heard the cry of your beautiful baby. All three of you were crying. 

-”It’s a girl.” The nurse said, going to clean up your child.  You started sobbing some more and went to reach for her. Another nurse jumped in, “we have to take her vitals, put a bracelet on her foot, then you can hold her okay?” 

You nodded, crying more. JJ leaned over and kissed your head, “she’s here.” She breathed. “Our baby girl is here.” 

You sniffed. 

-It felt like an eternity before the nurse handed you your baby back. You quickly wiped your eyes and took her. Of course, more tears slipped out and JJ wiped them away gently. She leaned her head on your head, both of you gazing down at your beautiful daughter. 

-She had opened her eyes, they were your eye color. Her face was red and splotchy from crying, she was the most beautiful baby you had ever seen. 

-”Do we have a name?” The nurse asked gently. 

You looked at JJ, you had agreed on a gender neutral name, in case your baby doesn’t feel connected with being a female, they don’t have to change their name, but you knew that if they wanted to, you and JJ would have their backs. 

“Aiden Penelope L/N-Jareau”

[theficplug]

Wild N Out - Karlous Miller

Karlous Miller x Black Reader

warnings: none, fluff

{You are the new Wild N Out girl. Fun ensues.}

Wild N Out was never your first option , hell, it wasn’t even really your last option. So, becoming the new Wild N Out Girl never even crossed your mind.

You had met Karlous at an event on a business trip in L.A. where you two had hit off and began dating ever since. You were in school to become a dentist and did modeling in your spare time, but both were becoming something you despised.

After your boyfriend convinced you that you were the funniest person he knew and your manager agreeing with him. You finally caved and went through the casting call process. Fast forward and you were chosen to be a part of Wild N Out: New School vs Old School. 

The day had finally come for the first taping and rumours were that Mo’Nique and other well known fans of the show were in attendance tonight. 

Karlous massaged your sides backstage and gave you a run-down of how the show would typically flow and run.

“Bae, Keke Palmer said she liked my shoes earlier and asked me where I got em from. Bae she called me a pretty girl and everything, like, I’m really doing this.” you say talking a mile a minute

“I call you that everyday now I’mma have to come up with somethin’ else. Keke just gon’ steal my girl right in front of me.” he jokes. “You gon’ be alright . It’s like a family here so everything gon’ go smooth. You up here worrying for nothing with your fine ass.” Karlous says holding your hands and kissing them gently.

“Okay, you right.  I got this and don’t think just cause you my man i’mma go easy on you! You not on my team, Old School.” you say to him teasingly and the stagehand lets you both know that it’s time to go on. 

“Alright but don’t be talkin bout “you sleepin’ yo ass right on that couch” when I return that heat!” he calls after you and you just shake your head laughing as you walk out onto the set and wave at the fans. You see a few familiar faces like Tim and Justine and Chico/DC of course. But, there's also a few new faces that you didn’t recognize. Probably people who couldn’t make it to the welcome dinner so you make sure you go by greeting everyone and accepting hugs from some of them.

“Welcome to Wild N Out: New School vs Old School Edition. If you’ve been watching the show you already know what the hell is about to go down. Dj D-Wrek is going to give us some answers and we’re going to come up with some funny questions, and then rush up to this buzzer. Team with the funniest answers wins the game.  I am your new host Keke Palmer and this is Hood Jeopardy.” she announces and the crowd cheers before the round starts. You blow a kiss at Karlous and his goofy self catches it and places it in his pocket dramatically. 

Your eyes scan the crowd and you definitely seen some well known faces in the crowd. You even flanced over at Dulce Sloan on the upper deck. 

You give a small smile to the crowd and then keep your focus on Karlous knowing that he’d either nod his head at you or do something to distract you from your nerves.

“Things Karlous Miller is built like.” DJ D-Wrek calls out 

You let out a loud laugh before your team starts ooh-ing and ahh-ing like schoolyard children as you run over to the buzzer at the same time as DC. 

“Aww hell naw , bae you just gon do me like that?” Karlous shouts while throwing his hands up in the air and you can hear the crowd giggling already. 

“Move DC. That’s my man. You BETTA MO-” you squabble with DC and play fight over the buzzer before knocking him on the floor with your hip and he makes a show of it flying and sliding across the floor yelling “damn she-hulk damn”. 

You smile softly to yourself as the bell goes off and a point goes to your team, letting the small victory ease your nerves.

“What is zaddy built like. Well, that’s easy, what is  “a beautiful chocolate man” ”. you say in the White Chicks voice before Karlous adds “that’s right baby, that’s right.”

“Sike, what is Crash Bandicoot. What is Perry The Platypus from Phineas and Ferb. What is-” you blurt out as you hear the crowd and both teams in hysterics laughing and falling over each other as Karlous stands there with his lips pushed out. 

The bell goes off repeatedly signaling that your team had won that round as DJ D-Wrek stands there wiping tears from his eyes and Chico comes over to join you. 

“What is a small Booker T.” Chico wheezes into the microphone as you two hold onto each other’s shaking shoulders. 

“Hold on I’m not done. Who is Thurgoode from the PJs. What is-” Karlous cuts you off by running over and saying “Yo baby daddy” into the mic and your team yells oop. 

“Don’t be salty baby. It’s not my fault you built like a Fun Dip stick and a thermometer had a baby. You still luh me though?” you ask and he follows up with hell yeah. 

The crowd eats up your dynamic as they watch the both of you interact. 

“Alright, Alright , Alright.  That round goes to New School. They coming with that heat for the o.g.” 

You take a quick commercial break before starting the next segment “Now You Wild Out”. 

“Everybody already knows how this goes. We get a topic from D-Wrek and we go in. Team with the best improvs wins the round. Let’s get it!” Keke says before going stepping back onto team New School. 

Each person from the team goes with almost everyone being evenly matched with points until it’s finally you and Karlous up next with the category Date Night. 

“I got this. I got this.” you tell your team as you strut to the front of the line and Karlous runs over to steal a kiss real quick while the crowd aww’s .

“Aww nothing. Get your milk dud headass over here Lous.” DC says pulling him by the back of his shirt. 

“Lemme get a quick wax. Lemme get a quick wax. Now you wild out.” you say and you hear a mhm before a roar of laughs from the women in the crowd.

“Gotta wash the balls off. Gotta wash the balls off. Now you wild out.” Karlous returns with quick fire while his team copies him and dances with one leg up.

You dance to the music before patting your pockets and all over you “Where’s the plan B? Where’s the plan B? Where’s the plan B? NOW YOU WILD OUT.” you say and Karlous stands there with his hands on his hips with his mouth slightly open as the crowd and your teams laugh along. 

He was standing there shook at the fact that your lil quiet shy self was standing there talking about it. 

He quickly snaps into the character and starts yikin side to side yelling “I sholl did. I sholl did. I sholl did. Now you wild out.” 

The audience erupts into laughter at the chemistry and comedy between the two of you. 

You push him playfully and return to the back of the line as the bell signals that his team had won that round.

The rest of the episode goes smoothly and your team comes close to winning but Old School ultimately won overall. Karlous finds you waiting for him in the parking lot and in a conversation with some people from your team.

You grab his hands softly as he hugs you from behind. “Damn Justine, I've been thinking bout you too.” you joke and turn around to kiss him deeply for a moment.

“Girl you were on fire. I’ll see later. “ Gabby,  one of the new girls on your team says before leaving you two alone. 

“I was talking to one of the producers and baby, they loved what they saw from you. They think you add something extra to the show and in they words “you guys were off the chain”. I know you ain’t have nothing to worry about.” Karlous says mocking them and congratulating you. 

“Thank you baby, for pushing me to do this. I actually really enjoyed today and can’t believe this is my new gig and my new lil found family. I love it here. I can’t believe freaking Mo’Nique was in the crowd. I got to talk to her. Queen gon’ tell me “You remind me of how comedy used to be. Just spittin’ about life and shit. We ain’t mean nothing by it. Just shooting the breeze. You’re going to go far niece.”  I thought I was gonna pass the fuck out or something babe.: you say to him and he just stands there in awe of you while you give him the rundown.

“I told you. You be funny without even trying. Just doing the most random ass shit and I still be in the crib hollering.” he says chuckling softly

 “Thanks baby. But the way you was looking at me all night in my lil Wild N Out shirt. You like what seen or what?” you tease as you lean in to lick over his lips and he lays you against the car grabbing your chin and kissing you. 

“Where the Plan B? Where the Plan B?” he jokes and you shake your head , chuckling softly.

“Now you wild out.” you say , wrapping your arms around his neck

@arination99 @genuinedonnie @ljstraightnochaser

[anemonenemerosa]

The Spare - Chapter 12

Here we go! Thank you, @lumosinlove for the SW-verse!

Chapter 12

Out of precaution, Regulus decided to sneak into Malfoy Manor through the kitchen window. He scoffed at the thought that everyone always assumed he was a model son. Sure, he kept his head down, all appearances and he was once very eager to please his parents but that didn't mean he hadn't a rebellious streak.

Sirius often got caught trying to sneak out the house... through the back door... too obvious. Idiot. But he learned over time. Regulus, on the other hand, learned to pick locks and sneak out of windows quiet early on. It was much stealthier and more unsuspected from the obedient, quiet kid.

Around 16, Regulus did this very often, trying to live a little under the thumb of his parents and while pretending not to. Sirius was bold, brave and often getting shit for it. Regulus was collected and sneaky. His escapades went unnoticed. It was all about the right balance. He asked to go out often enough to be considered normal. His parents said no more often than not and Regulus just had to ask for events he was not really interested in. When they said no, he would obediently stay at home and just sneak out to the stuff he actually wanted to go to. Unsuspecting.

He went to several high school parties and concerts, albeit hating crowds, because that was what teenagers did right? What they enjoyed. Regulus did not enjoy the drinking, the stuffed rooms and the gross drunk make-out sessions. Maybe he was born as snarky old man, always been more of a Waldorf, in need for his Statler.

Once in his room, Regulus showered, changed and was just in time for Lucius to take him to practice.

The mood in locker the locker room was disgustingly cheerful. Several Death eaters were reciting their favourite slurs against Sirius and all the “faggots”, how they called queers, in general, accompanied by hollering, whistling and applause.

Regulus thought of Sirius, of Ben and Mateo, how kind and loving they treated him, and it took all his badly patched up self-control to keep his expression blank and polite. This is not right.

He did not return to the shire this evening. Instead, he spent a long time running in the neighbourhood of the Malfoys, trying to sort through the last days.

When he collapsed exhausted into bed this evening, he came to the conclusion that there was actually no way he could get through the mess in his very own… The psychologist-thing was meant as a joke at Thanksgiving, Black…

                                                    oOo

The next evening, he nervously rang the bell besides the name tag Hayes/Alves, not knowing whether someone is even at home but he was let into the building and a moment later he found himself unable to knock on the door to their flat. These people owed him noting, why would they even let him in again after he practically stormed out yesterday?

The door was yanked open anyway and a relieved looking Mateo pulled him inside. “There you are, we were worried!”

“What? Why?”

“You were rather upset when you bolted yesterday” Jo provided from the kitchen, a spoon in her mouth and an almost empty can of ice cream in her hands.

“Hey, there you are!” Ben chimed happily, stepping out of the bathroom in his pyjamas and towelling his hair.

“Are you guys mad?” Regulus blurted suddenly, “You don’t know me, I stormed out yesterday after all you have done like an ungrateful asshole and you are actually happy that I'm back?”

“Sure.” All three answered as one, baffling him completely.

“Why?” He was almost desperate, “You have absolutely no gain from me being here... I am just a rookie so no one will buy my secrets from you, I am rather rich but you have nothing to properly blackmail me so what do you want?!”

“Are you serious?” Jo asked after a short silence.

“No, that’s my Brother, I am Regulus.” he answered absentmindedly. Ben and Mateo snorted but Jo just looked puzzled.

Regulus looked back, similarly puzzled. “Sirius Black, the famous, freshly outed, Captain of the Gryffindor Lions?”

Still nothing but a furrowed brow... “NHL?”

'Yeah, yeah, heard of it but hold on, your full name is Regulus, like your real name? And your brother is, in fact, named Sirius, that’s not a fake, too?”

“That is your Question? And no, its Sirius Orion and Regulus Arcturus Black, actually.” Jo anything but shrieked, joining the other two hobbits already shaking with mirth by now.  

“Ok, that’s - that’s just bad, I'm sorry” she wheezed after a few minutes.

“I always thought these were aliases… I see that I need to revaluate my bad-name categories.”

“Alors, I call you Josephine from now on?” Regulus was met with a surprisingly deathly glare that sent Ben and Mateo straight into another fit.

A grin started to tuck at the corner of Regulus’ lips but there were still pressing questions.

“Jo, you have no idea of the disaster that went on? You didn’t even check Twitter?”

“Nah, I don’t frequent social media. While I prefer to limit my direct interaction with other people, assholes accumulate there and throw all their bullshit around, guarded by the anonymity of the internet. I think a dentist appointment is less annoying.” The grin tucked again. This weird mixture of slang and hoity-toity wording was just gold.

“But you do watch ice hockey?” He was not sure why that was important for him. Maybe to find out, what she knew about him, maybe because to find out more about her.

“Sometimes yeah. For me you are Reg, the rather giant dude that slept on our couch, that prefers his tea bitter and gross and does not say thank you. The guy with the enjoyable dry humour and good taste in literature that luckily balances his abysmal taste in movies.”

At that Regulus laughed, too. He didn’t know, why exactly but he felt giddy with the idea that these were the first people who wouldn’t define him through hockey and his family.  That although they knew of his profession, here was just Reg, not Regulus Arcturus Black, Son of Orion Black, number 72 of the Snakes. Maybe I can have this, after all.

Is this, what Sirius had with his team, with Remus? Another pang of guilt let the laughter die in his throat, his eyes welled up. Not again…please.

But there was no time to recompose himself. Quickly, he was shoved onto the couch, wrapped in the chicken-blanket and surrounded by these idiots caring for him for some reason he still did not understand.

For the third time, his walls broke. Where there even walls by now? Regulus felt rather leaking with emotions.

But of course, he could not keep it in around them and spilled all his life to the three of them, not in as much detail he told Mateo in the hospital but also not keeping his role of Sirius’ outing to himself. Once all was out, there was a tense silence... of course there was, he just told the gay couple in front of him that he forced his brother out to be tormented by a crowd of imbecile haters on the internet.

Regulus was sure, his little excursion into a happy family ended now. Just as he guessed on the first evening here but instead of scolding and disapproving, cold glares he found himself hugged by Ben, again. He gives good hugs; his brain supplied uselessly.

“It’s a shitty move to out someone Reg, there is nothing to sugar coat.” Ben sighed.

“But what they did with that information and how the people online reacted is not your fault.”

Regulus said nothing, just closed his eyes and buried deeper in the shoulder of Ben, who practically sat on his lap to reach the height for such an embrace.

“But your feelings were hurt, too at that time and a lot of people used you. Fuck your family. You know what, I’m your mom now!”

Regulus just continued crying silently into Ben’s Shoulder, Mateo’s hand rubbing slowly over his back, chuckling at Ben’s statement.

“Mother hen.”

This showed what he had suspected for a while now, proof that his parents were not just a little strict. That something in his childhood went horribly wrong and he has no idea what to do with that information except crying it out.

When he calmed down a bit, Ben and Mateo got up to make some tea and finish dinner while quietly talking in Portuguese. So, it was something he was not meant to understand. His stomach knotted uncomfortably.

“Reg?” Jo tried quietly, she had not reacted in any way so far. He had even forgotten that she was still perched on the carpet beside him and somehow, he dreaded what was to come next.

“Hm?”

“Earlier, at the door, as you said that you do not know of what use you are for us as we cannot even blackmail you... you were not joking?” He shook his head, new tears threating to well up. How were there still tears left and what happened to his composure again?

“You really expected us to just care for you as long as we could gain profit?” There was no accusation in her voice just sadness and concern. He shrugged his shoulders; did he think that? No, but this was the only form of interaction he knew, everything always came with a price, an expectation.

The next thing he felt was Jo not practically but literally perched on his lap, straddling his hips, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her cheek against his temple. He knew already that, opposite to her brother, Jo was not the touchy feely type with strangers.

He was not considered a stranger anymore, after a day?

“I don’t know if there is anything one could say to make it better, so I will just keep my mouth shut and hug you until you believe that we like you and care for you. Just like that. As long as it will take.” She wiggled a bit to demonstrate getting comfortable.

There was nothing sexual about the embrace although they were pressed together from shoulders to hips und she just wiggled in his lap. It was completely opposite to the girls that approached him at the parties he sneaked out to. These were eyeing him hungrily, like a trophy. Some of them (very drunk, to their defence) even told him how similar he looked to Sirius�� and how sexy they found his brother. He shivered a bit at the memory and gladly went back to reality.

“You might die of old age while waiting.” Regulus lifted his head to check the effect of his attempt in humour on her face but she just tucked his head back, giving a soft huff.

“Nah. 'M convincing but probably need to excuse myself to the bathroom or the fridge in between”

He closed his eyes again, wrapped his arms around her waist and relished in the hug without questioning why this hug felt different, more intimate than Ben’s or Mateo’s.

After an undefinable amount of time, the men came back with plates of Vegetable Quesadillas and Guacamole.

“Comfort Food, my avozinha’s recipe.”, Mateo commented

Instead of answering his question for cutlery, Ben met his eyes, pointedly grabbed a Quesadilla, dipped it in the guacamole and shoved the whole thing in his mouth without breaking eye contact.

Reg snorted with laughter.

                                                oOo

Of course, Ben spilled more than just a little on his shirt.

While Ben and Jo were cleaning the dishes and Ben, Mateo came over with a fresh cup of tea.

“Hey” Reg lifted his head. “I’m talking now as your fried -or co-mom, apparently- that just happens to also have studied medicine” he nodded for Mateo to continue.

“You went through a lot. Not just lately. And you struggle to cope.” Alors, the poker face seems to be gone…

“I do not say that you are weak, you are not! But you might want to consider the help of a therapist to sort through your feelings and your past. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of knowing your boundaries and taking care of yourself. I do not want to talk you into this, you need to want that for therapy to help. So, take you time to think about that, if you need. You can always come to us to talk but no one here is a therapist so we can only help you so far. OK? We are not disposing you to a shrink. Our door is open for you but you might want to have different type of help.”

Reg sat the in silence after this speech, hand running through his hair and rubbing his neck.

He had thought about that, more and more serious since Thanksgiving but hearing it and having the confirmation that he was welcome here …a thought formed in his brain, shortly followed by his usual determination.

"I want this to stop. I want to get better." He looked at Mateo and was met with his signature genuine, warm smile.

"You have a team therapist, don't you? It might be the fastest way to an appointment."

Reg grimaced at the thought of Dr. Slughorn. Generally well-meaning but when in doubt always humouring Riddle.

"I wouldn't trust him with taking the trash out." Regs grimace it met with a raised eyebrow.

"Do you want me to help you find someone else?" Mateo asked carefully and after a relieved nod from Reg, continued. "OK. Good, this is really good. Now for the next part."

Reg furrowed his brows

"Ben and I talked, and we want to offer you to stay here for a while after All Star, out of the clutches of your family. Of course, you have to go to practice and stuff but maybe it would be healthier for you to feel less controlled, less suffocated by them. We would find something else for you to sleep on than the couch, of course." Mateo joked.

Reg blinked at the guy in front of him in disbelieve.  Encore: What the hell? "You would do that? Let me stay?"

"Yep. We are your moms now, after all." Ben all but yelled over from the kitchen.

 This isn't a fever-trip. This is a dream, and I hope that I will not wake up too soon.

This night, he spent in Jos bed.  

"The couch is lumpy so we will share that bed. I'm not ruining my neck for you." Was her announcement before she marched off, Reg in tow.

He was led into the room, expecting a bedroom and was greeted with a little bureau.

"Erm..." Was all Reg could say.

"Well I only stay here during semester breaks so it's mor like a multi-purpose room." Jo seemed to miss the point entirely.

"But there is no bed?!"

She gave him an odd look and... folded a mattress out of the closet? "You've never seen a Murphy bed?"

"Obviously."

A little while later Reg squeezed himself beside Jo in the double bed. How does such a small person take up so much space?

“Won't it fold up in the night and swallow us whole?" The thought made him nervous, but he was greeted with the Hayes™ way of soothing. Bullying into feeling better.

“Not with your fat ass in here. Sleep or I send you back to the couch.”

They did not sleep for a long while.

Instead the talked a lot like on the first morning that felt like years ago although it has been just two days. In these days, his life was turned inside out, fortunately. He liked this version better.

The more they talked and bantered, the more Reg understood, that she really did not calculate her moves but just did what seemed the honest, right and fair choice… which is why she was horrible at the midnight chess match: Not thinking a few steps ahead and no intention of sacrificing figures or threatening enemy figures… irritating and endearing.

Also, she had quite a lot of very good burns but apologised every time afterwards. Hilarious... too nice for her devilish mind.

The next morning, he woke up around four, with Jo's back tucked against his side. He had slept about two hours, not able to sleep any longer anyway but he stayed in bed, secretly enjoying the feeling of a warm weight beside him.

Thoughts about his brother were still omnipresent in his mind but right now, other thinks demand his attention. Reg was pretty sure that he was falling for Jo.

He had had one or another crush in school but what he felt now was magnitudes stronger. Coming to think of it, his feelings about Ben and Mateo were also magnitudes stronger but... different. The idea of the girl he just met not being within an hour driving distance, once she returned to Boston, left a weight on his chest, accompanied by an unfamiliar longing.

But that was not the point... everything would be OK with that point. The point was, it's not the same as he heard all the other guys in school, in the locker room talk about girls… he didn't get off imagining her naked, or both of them having sex, he never thought that about anyone, actually, and was convinced the boys boasting about how they want to hit all these girls and how they got horny every time some girl with a too-short-to-be-comfortable skirt walk by, were just exaggerating… or were they not? Was there something he just didn't understand, hadn't experienced yet? It's not that he hadn't had sex before and it was nice enough, but he never quite understood why people would go absolutely nuts about this past-time exercise. It was basically wanking with extra steps.

Hell, Reg felt not even aroused by Jo's ass pressed to his thigh in her sleep but he was very sure that he wanted to hold her close, feel her skin under his hands, her body pressed to his, to kiss her and be definitely more than friends with her; And he had absolutely no idea how to explain this to her and still hope for a chance of dating her eventually... This was not what people were looking for in a partner, was it?

He groaned... was there nothing simple on this world for him?

But then again, Jo was different, that's why he liked her, she had this no-bullshit attitude that let her stomp on several feet regularly. She was the only person he knew that would most likely appreciate if he just spoke his mind about the situation and have a balanced, rational and decidedly calm discussion about their feelings. He silently laughed. The thought about such a conversation was ridiculous but fairly simple. Maybe this would be easier than he first thought. He was not sure on what terms they would end but the situation would be evaluated and free of misunderstandings at the end.

He would talk to her after All Star, after facing his brother and trying to... what?

                                                     oOo

Telling Lucius and Narcissa that he wanted to stay elsewhere for a few nights went smoother than expected. After a short call with his mother she agreed to give him a bit of freedom. After the outing, his parents seemed to be eager to keep Reg as the good son. So, Walburga was in kind of open for some little claims. Of course, she wanted to know where he was staying so he pretended to need alone-time after the shock of his brother's outing and booked a hotel room until All Star as cover. He was definitely not risking his Mother taking this very fragile attempt of escape away from him.

Reg quietly packed a bag with clothes to take with him directly from the airport after All Star and spent his waiting time at the airport on the phone with Mateo, looking for a therapist. He would meet Dr. Bones close to the Hospital, Mateo worked at, next Thursday.

The flight with Snape was horrible. Reg tried to keep his thought about Sirius at bay, not checking social media at all but Severus kept sneering about Queers in general and Sirius. He laid open all the information he could dig up out about Remus and even announced proudly, that he forwarded it all to the commentators of the red carpet

Oh… merde. C’est pourri! They are in for a shit-show.

But Reg would not have to opportunity to contact Sirius before that.

[taehyungtrash2-0]

Sincerely, Love and Affection

— genre ➙  fluff!!!

— words ➙  2057 bitch

— member ➙  Yuta Nakamoto

— warnings ➙  slowburn! strangers to lovers! foreigner!

Note: this was done out of inspiration from Kismet by Froggyyong! please look it up on AO3!!! So in the spirit of that all words in italics are them speaking in Japanese! This is the first of many imagines and maybe a part 2, let me know! pls take it easy on me

-----------------------

“HEY NO GO BACK” I yell at Hyuck because he can never seem to follow simple instructions. Everyone around us watching us play FIFA or on their phones, I know a few are in the kitchen doing whatever but right now I am trying to focus on kicking the other team’s ass. 

“Hey I just wanted to give everyone a heads up, my sister is stopping by in a few” Taeyong yelled over the noise in the living room. 

“Didn’t she just move back?” Mark called from the kitchen, why is everyone yelling out of nowhere, wait he has a sister? 

“Is this the sister that Johnny thirsts after” Jaehyun chuckled out and nudged Johnny.

*SMACK*

“HEY, THAT HURT” Jaehyun whined.

“How old is she?” Sicheng called from the couch. 

“HoW oLd iS SHe? What are you, 12???” Hyuck mocked him. Okay, now that was funny! 

“I do not THIRST after her.” Johnny clears his name to the group. 

“You cried when taeyong took her back to her hotel room because you couldn’t.” Ten laughed out, making everyone else start laughing with him. 

“I WAS EMOTIONAL THAT DAY!” Johnny whined, with his face getting red. 

“AS I WAS SAYING, shes going to come over and we are probably going to go to dinner so whoever wants to, can come.” he invites loudly so everyone can hear. 

“ILL GO” Johnny screeched, standing up just for Ten to put his arm in front of him,

“First of all Johnny, Hyung said ‘come’ not ‘cum’ and secondly, you have a recording session with donghyuck, jaehyun, and I at 4 o’clock,” he said in response. 

“When you try your best but you don’t succeeeeeddddd” Lucas starts yelling and Sicheng joins in, everyone laughing at Johnny all over again, myself included.

“I’m going to go get ready, everyone better have CLOTHES ON! IM LOOKING AT YOU JOHNNY!” Hyung yells leaving the room. 

*Johnny cries in zipper*

“Hyung, has a sister?” I ask Ten, keeping my eyes trained on my player. 

“Yeah, you and a few other members were busy with a photo shoot the last time she visited, remember?” he recalled, looking back at his phone. 

Oh, I never really focused on it I guess. 

-------

*knock knock*

“SHES HERE!” Hyung yells from his room. 

*CHAOS ENTERS CHAT*

*Choking sounds in the background*

“JOHNNY IS DYING HELP!” Mark yells from the kitchen and everyone starts laughing al over again. Taeyong runs through the living room and opens the door as everyone crowds into the living room to greet her. 

“Y/N!!!!!” he yells and covers her in a tight embrace. Wow, she’s a little thing, slim thick with your cute as-

“YONGIE!!!” she cheers back into his arms. AWWW even her voice is cute what the FUCK. 

“Wait, is everyone here?? Wow!” she steps back, her eyes widening at the group, you can definitely tell shes hyung’s sister. Her eyes are so big, she looks like a little doll. I can finally understand the hype on Johnny’s part. 

“Yeah, you haven’t met everyone yet,” Taeyong replied, guiding her further into the living room. 

“Everyone this is y/n!” he presented to the class. Her little form bending to greet us all in unison. 

“Hello! I’m a very big fan of the group! You all are so great! Especially this recent comeback! I have so much respect for you all!” she said sweetly, her smile is so heart-melting that everyone can’t help but smile back. It’s almost infectious. 

“She’s so sweet” Sicheng coos.

“Look how cute” Lucas whispers.

“Johnny stop drooling!” Ten elbows.

“Y/n it’s so good to see you! You moved back finally!” Mark exclaimed, pulling her into his embrace. Are they a thing? 

“Hey, Mark! It’s so good to see you too! And yeah ill text you my address so we can hang out again!” she states casually.

“AGAIN?! WHAT H-” Johnny’s voice being covered by Taeyong’s glare. 

“Hey y/n! I’ve missed you so much, no one likes to go shopping much with me but you! So as soon as you get settled and arent too busy I’m treating you to a day of shopping!”

“I’ve missed you so much too Ten! Facetiming just isn’t the same and I would LOVE to go shopping! I can’t tell you the last time a man spoiled me!” she giggled out and I nearly choked. I say nearly because Johnny audibly choked and everyone laughed at him...AGAIN

 “Hey y/n...do the thing I’ve been telling everyone about it, please!!! He has been acting like a total spaz since he heard about you coming back to Seoul.” Ten whispered to her. 

“Cmon Ten, I can’t be that mean to him!” she whined out like a little puppy.

“Pleaseeeee?” he whined back.

“Fine,” he huffed out.

 “Johnny?” she called, looking around past the group of boys until they met in gaze, he looks like he’s about to piss himself.

“Johnny!” she squealed, running to him and jumping into his arms. HIs huge form completely engulfing her, lucky little asshol-

“I think I missed you the most, you big teddy bear!” she muffled into his chest, his face turning a keen shade of red. 

“I missed you too y/n!” he almost cried, is he smelling her hair?! She slowly unwrapped herself from him, waiting to be released, and she never was.

The End. 

*Wheeze*

Taeyong stepping in to pull his sister from the giant as she winks at Ten and everyone laughing. 

“So Johnny, why didn’t you call? I thought you missed me huh?” she pouted as she trailed her little finger down his chest flirtatiously. What a minx, no wonder Johnny was such a simp. 

“I uh my um the Yong, I mean I’m aakjhladks I’m sorry, I gotta go to the restroom.” he blurted out, turning red all over again and leaving the room. God, so blatantly sexy, has a sense of humor, and she is so sweet I feel like I need a dentist on speed dial. WHAT A WOMAN LADIES AND GENTS.

“Y/n you remember Haechan and Doyoung right?” Hyung asks her, pointing them out as they wave.

“Of course! Hey!” she smiles and waves back at them, look at her so innocent and friendly. 

“Hey, y/n I love your bracelet!” Hyuck tells her.

“Aww, thanks, Channie! And how are you holding up these days Doyoung?” she asks.

“I’m barely managing but thank you y/n.” Doyoung smiles at her, heading back to the kitchen. She’s so dainty and pretty, is it bad I just want to kiss her face. Her hair looks so soft and her voice sounds like butter. What the hell is wrong with me??

“I’ve been working on this for a little while so I think I’ve got it down pat, let me try,” she tapped her finger to her cheek, making her way over to all of us.

“You are Jungwoo, the sweet voice that also is always hungry?” she asked and smiled at him.

“HAHA yeah, hello hi!” he chucked and bowed to her, politely. 

“Oh my lord, such an aegyo face!” she cheered at him as he posed for her, what a ham. 

“You are Sicheng! Your voice is great! Your hair looks amazing by the way!” she greeted.

“Awww thanks! It’s so nice meeting you y/n!” he smiled and bowed to her. 

“Taeil! Wow, your aura is just as striking in person!” she exclaimed getting to Taeil. 

“Thank you! You look just like Taeyong but prettier!” he complimented with a bow. 

“I get that a lot, especially with the hair. I like to see what colors work on him and use them to my advantage!” she laughed out. A sudden throat cleaning gets the attention Jaehyun is asking for

“And the notorious Jaehyun, who could miss such a face!” she smiles to him, he boldly grabs her hand and gives her a soft kiss to her knuckles.

“The gorgeous Y/n. I’m so sorry I had to leave so early last time,” he speaks softly to her, who does this handsome man think he is???

“Oh, its no problem at all! I understand really, I love your comeback photos by the way! The theme really suited you.” she complimented again.

“God, she is so hot! Do you think Taeyong would mind me getting her number?” Lucas whispered to Kun as everyone else was distracted. 

“Hey man, that’s his sister!” Kun commanded. 

“I know that’s why I said do you think he would mind. I mean she is so hot, I could cry!” he whispered back to him, no longer paying attention to the fact that she was now listening in as they were turned away from her. 

“I think you’re very attractive too Lucas,” she whispered like she was in on the secrets passing between their lips. Kun and Lucas jumped so high she laughed and so did I. (HOw could you not when seeing this unfold).

“Oh my god! I am so sorry about him. Hello, I’m Kun and this is-” 

“Lucas, of course, I’m actually a really big fan.” she smiled to him as he smiled back

“Oh really? Say less?” he chuckled lowly and started looking her up and down. 

“DOWN LUCAS!” Yongie called out.

“Yes, WayV is actually my second favorite band entirely.”

“Oh, that’s cool! You should meet the rest of us then!” Kun added in, getting his phone out like Lucas. 

“We should so do that!” she smiled.

“Here just give me yo-” Lucas fades into the background now… She’s looking at me... Her big doe eyes staring into mine. I feel my heart just drop to my balls. Her perfect form walking softly up to me, a gift of presence, really. 

“And of course you are Yuta.” she smiles shyly at me. 

“Hello! It’s nice to meet you y/n!” I say with the most genuine smile I think I’ve ever made.

“I think I’m a bigger fan of yours than Taeyongie’s! I was so sad I couldn’t meet you the first time!” she starts speaking to me sweetly and happily. Wait,

“You speak Japanese?” I ask, catching my jaw from its home now on the floor. 

“Yongie didn’t tell you?” she quirked in confusion, looking at him and back at me. 

“No, he just said that you moved back here, he never said anything else.” I chuckled in surprise, her pronunciation is so native-like. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve heard such a clear pronunciation from a foreigner. 

“He’s such a dummy, I just recently graduated with a major in Japanese Literature from the University of Tokyo. I’ve been living there for almost 5 years.” she giggled.

“You have no idea how happy I am to finally talk to someone in MY language! This feels like a breath of fresh air. That is so cool! He never said a word about it.” I ramble on, wondering how someone could dePRIVE ME OF SUCH HAPPINESS.

“It’s okay, I assumed he would either brag or neglect it altogether. I’m glad you enjoy the natural conversation if you ever just want to talk or vent in a way that’s easier for you, I’m always here! That’s if you want too…” she mumbled shyly, was that blush on her cheeks? God, she is so adorable.

“Of course yeah! I would love to talk more with you. Do you think it would be too much to ask for your number?” I asked, rubbing my hand on the back of my neck. 

“Yes, Yongie can I have a pen?” she turns to her brother. With a confused face and everyone looking at her weirdly, he gives her the pen.

“All my friends back hom- well back in Tokyo all my friends call me Yua, so if that’s easier on the tongue you can call me that…” she recalled while writing her number on my palm. 

“I’ll definitely text you later, is that okay?” I asked, looking at my palm and back at her.  

“Can’t wait, it’s really nice meeting you Yuta.” she looked deeply into my eyes and took all my breath away.

“It’s nice meeting you too, Yua.” I smiled back.  

“So Taeyong, show me your room so I can steal my beloved plush back!” she turned and call to Hyung. 

No way…

[angrylizardjacket]

you wrote ‘don’t forget’ on your arm // 1 // charlotte&lola (penny&jupiter)

Summary: Jupiter’s going to dress as Lola for the premiere of The Dirt, is dating MGK, and also the premiere happens.

A/N: @misscharlottelee and @local-troubled-writer . I split this into 2 parts because the second part is almost entirely this AU’s version of The Dirt and it was getting too long. Next part to be posted tomorrow!!

Part 1 of 2

----

Jupiter looks like Lola; the same dark hair, same angular face. They’re not a spitting image, they’ve inherited Tommy’s waifishness and green eyes, so the honour of looking like a carbon copy of their mother belongs to Cerie, but whenever people write about Jupiter, on blogs or in magazines, they always feel the need to mention; Jupiter looks like Lola. So with the premiere coming up, Jupiter thinks it’s only fitting; if all anyone sees is their mother, then spitefully, they’ll play into that.

For the record, Alicia, the woman they’ve got playing Lola, looks eerily similar to her, and by extension Jupiter, and Jupiter wonders if it’s egotistical of Freudian to think she’s hot. Whatever; that’ll be their therapist’s problem. The cast for The Dirt is hot, which is an uncomfortable truth that Jupiter has to live with. Even Iwan makes Mick hot, which is somehow way weirder than her mom being hot, because Mick is a gremlin and the only band member Jupiter actually gets along with, their father notwithstanding. 

Some time when Jupiter was a teenager, Mick had told them, with the haunted wisdom of a man who has spent over half his life putting up with their parents, that he’d had broken guitars with more common sense than Lola, and Jupiter decided then and there that he was their favourite, and their opinion hadn’t waivered since.

So it’s with a well-worn resentment that they acknowledge how actually stylish Lola was in her youth, not that she isn’t now, but she was more of a punk in her twenties than Jupiter knows they could ever be. 

Penny thinks it’s self-destructive behaviour, and that Jup is too old for this shit, but she tags along, never one to pass up a good trawl through a vintage store, that is when she’s not in the studio with Dominic. Jup joins them when they can, when they’re not working on the final touches for their own album.

“Am I allowed to say your mom is hot?” Colson’s laying back on Jup’s sofa, flipping through a scrapbook Tommy had leant him, filled with old newspaper and magazine clippings, trying to find a good photo of Lola, while Jupiter scrolls through pinterest, looking for any and all photos of their mother in her youth. Preferably with clothes on. Christ, Lola. Jupiter shoots him a look, but it’s not angry, it’s just rather… uncomfortable.

“I think you are, but I wish you wouldn’t.”

None of the jackets are ever right; they’ve got the ripped fishnets, the black platforms, the leather shorts, they’d even managed to get their hands on a spiked bra, but for all the leather jackets they’d looked at, none of them were Lola-level of over the top gutter punk. Oh they had spikes upon spikes, and buckles, and a few had some custom detailing, but none of them were right. Up until Motley’s first tour, Lola had lived and died in her black leather jacket, with the spikes on the shoulders, that looked better open than it did zipped up. There was only one option left. They could go to Tommy, but they knew ultimately they’d end up at the same place.

Lionheart Management’s thirty-second floor offices had the same effect on Jupiter as a dentist’s office had on a child; deep seated discomfort, but Jupiter would rather meet her there than have to go to the bullshit family home she shared with Nikki.

Jupiter knocks on the door that bares their mother’s name, grimacing at the little plaque beneath that reminded everyone that she was the CEO. Lola’s voice rings from inside, inviting them in, and she seems pleasantly surprised to see Jupiter when the door opens.

Lola still wears all her earrings she’d given herself in her youth, though now they’re studs rather than safety pins and pieces of wire, as Jupiter had come to see, and for all she’s grown up, she still favours black. Maybe that’s why Jupiter’s always gone for pastels.

“What a lovely surprise,” Lola sits back in her desk chair, haloed  the golden records on her wall, and gives a fond smile to her child, “what can I do for you today?” And it kind of stings that Lola knows that Jupiter wants something, though Jupiter considers that that’s no-one’s fault but their own. They don’t make a point of seeing Lola for idle chatter.

“Do you still have that black jacket from the eighties?” Jupiter cuts right to the chase, and Lola frowns a little.

“Which one?”

“The one with the spikes on the shoulders and the weird sort of panel design?”

“I think Nadine gave me that one -” Lola says, something gently faraway about her tone.

“I don’t need it’s history, I’m just asking if I can borrow it.” Jupiter’s tone is sharp, and Lola’s expression falls. After a moment, she agrees quietly, giving a sad smile as she tells Jupiter they can pick it up later that night from her house. Before they turn away, they think they can see what people mean when they say that Jupiter looks like Lola, something haunted, wise beyond her years. They turn away.

“It’s good to see you, Jubilee,” Lola tells them just as Jupiter goes to leave, using the nickname she’d given Jupiter after they’d come out and changed their name, “I’ve heard you’re working on some new music, that’s exciting.” She’s trying so desperately to make some sort of connection with the child who barely acknowledges her, and Jupiter feels a twinge of guilt.

“It’s releasing a month after The Dirt, my album,” Jupiter’s tone is soft and a little cautious, but they turn back in time to see Lola smiling, “I even had Seo and Cyrus help out with one of the songs.” To which Lola actually laughs, warm and fond.

“I heard; Cy has not stopped talking about it, and about how he’s going to thank you when he’s headlining Coachella in a few years time.” Lola enthuses, leaning forward, elbows on her desk, eyes sparkling with amusement. This has Jupiter grinning, amused at their little brothers antics, actually sharing a nice moment with their mom. “Sounds like you’re really keeping busy; dad’s got you and Penny working on some stuff for the premiere, right?” 

“Yeah, along with Colson and Dominic,” Jupiter says with a faint smile.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Lola says, a gentle pride in her words, “taking the world by storm, you’re a powerhouse, Jubilee.” And Jupiter feels a strange sort of warmth flourish in their chest. 

Lola doesn’t ask why they want the jacket, just hands it over easily when Jupiter comes to pick it up.

When he sees it, Colson whistles low through his teeth, poking at the spikes on the shoulders with an awed fascination.

“Holy shit, dude -”

“Don’t cum too hard, it’s just a jacket,” Jupiter makes a face, but Colson actually snorts.

“Do you know how many guys would give their left nut to touch this jacket?”

“Are you into me or my mom?” Jupiter snaps, and he turns his gaze on them, eyes wide, looking a little guilty. In an instant, he’s put the jacket on the table, and has wrapped Jup up in his arms.

“You, babe, of course, it’s just weird after seeing the replica costuming made; it doesn’t hold a candle to the real thing. I’m into you, Jup,” he adds, “jesus fuck.” Jup will leave enough bites and hickeys on him to remind him of this fact later that night. 

They haven’t thought much about the movie itself; they’ve been around set out of sheer curiosity, and also to spend time with the cast, as they’re becoming fast friends, but they don’t actually know even the plot of the movie, or have read the script, and they haven’t been motivated enough to piece together any of this information from the snippets they’ve been on set for. Penny’s got a better grip, mostly because she, Lola, and Tommy have had meetings with the director, writers, and actors on how to handle Charlotte and Razzle with sensitivity, but Penny never talks to Jupiter about it, she knows Jupiter, for lack of a better phrase, would rather be surprised by the movie.

So their expectations are low by the time the premiere comes around, but they’re going all out, getting ready with Penny and the hair and makeup team they’ve hired for the occasion. 

Dark hair dark eyes, the makeup and hair women do a fantastic job, and Penny’s quiet for a long moment after the reveal.

“They did good?” Jupiter asks with a sharp smile, and Penny gives her a strange smile, a nod, but no words leave her lips. Jupiter doesn’t quite know how to take that, so they get dressed, leather shorts over ripped fishnets, knee-high black platforms that make them taller than any person should rightly be. They’d inherited most of Tommy’s height, which now, with six-inch platforms, is more of a curse than a blessing at 6′7″, but it doesn’t matter. They pull on the spiked bra, and leave their room with Lola’s jacket in their arms.

And Penny is silent.

“Holy shit.” Soft, eyes wide and awed, Penny takes them in, and Jupiter feels a strange sort of discomfort. “You look just like her.” Penny looks stunning in her own right, in a gorgeous, vintage-inspired jumpsuit, hair styled big, looking every bit like her parents’ daughter. Before her words could really sink in, she’s giving a bright smile, rifling through her bag, “we should get a polaroid; Andy and Sami asked if I could send a photo of us from tonight.”

They get a photo together, wait for it to develop before sending it to both the kids’ groupchat, affectionately titled Bastards Incorporated, as well as the group text Penny’d started with the rest of Hanoi Rocks after visiting them a few years ago.

Sami Yaffa sends back ‘holy shit pennylope and kid lee!! what a blast from the past’ and Jupiter feels like they’re hearing that a lot lately. He follows it with a few kind words about how authentic they look, and how their parents would be proud. Penny pretends like she isn’t tearing up a little at that, and Jupiter pretends like they don’t take the comment as a compliment. 

Meanwhile, in Bastards Incorporated, populated by the various Lee and Sixx children, amid compliments, Cyrus has changed Jupiter’s nickname from Daddy Kink  to Electra Complex 😘 and Cerie is sending selfies from the limousine that’s on it’s way to Jupiter and Penny.

[Jupiter] Electra Complex 😘: cyrus im gonna break all the bones in your arm [Cyrus] DJ Dumbass: im ambidextrous [Jupiter] Electra Complex 😘: *arms [Cerie] Evil Cyrus sent a photo to Bastards Incorporated. [Penelope] the only valid lee: Cerie sTOP you look incredible!!  [Cerie] Evil Cyrus ❤️ reacted. [Jupiter] Electra Complex 😘: wait is that SEO NOT WEARING A HOODIE [Seo] King of the Ripsticks ❤️ reacted. [Cerie] Evil Cyrus sent a photo to Bastards Incorporated. [Penelope] the only valid lee: SEO YOU LOOK SO GOOOOOOOD [Seo] King of the Ripsticks ❤️ reacted. [Seo] King of the Ripsticks: 🤵

Since turning 18, no-one outside of the family has seen Seo’s face without his hoodie and sunglasses, a personal choice, and kind of a gimmick to make him more memorable in the skating scene, so when Penny and Jupiter slide into the limousine to see him dressed to the nines, in a powder blue suit with his hair blown out, it comes as a welcome surprise, and they both shower him with compliments.

“Oi!” Cyrus cuts in where he’s sitting opposite them beside his twin, “what about me?”

“You look like a rat,” Jupiter tells him, despite how well dressed he also was. Cyrus flips them off, “Cerie you look stunning.” Jupiter tells her with a warm sincerity, and Cerie gives a toothy grin. Cerie’s always had the makings of a model, and in a sparkling, champagne colored dress and understated makeup, she’ll outshine them all with ease.

“Come on,” Cyrus whined, before tugging at the lapels of his jacket, doing the bottom button up, putting on his most winning grin as he turned on Penny, “come on, Pen, thoughts?” And Penny, ever the favourite cousin, humours him.

“You look great, Cy; I can’t believe you’re wearing a keyboard tie, but somehow it looks good on you, bud,” and at her praise, Cyrus practically preens.

“I can’t believe you’re dressed as mom,” Cerie’s a little disbelieving when she finally takes in Jupiter’s attire, quickly making mention that they look spectacular, it’s just a little jarring.

“You look -”

“Just like her, I know,” Jup gives a tired smile, and pulls out a hand mirror to touch up their lipstick, “it’s kind of the point.”

They all enthuse about the film, about the story they’re about to witness, about how it’s probably going to be weird to see their parents like that - Penny is quiet. And Jupiter takes her hand without a word. 

They step out onto the red carpet one at a time, first the twins, Cyrus leading like the peacock he is, followed by Cerie, then Seo. Jupiter goes to leave, but Penny won’t move, won’t let go of their hand.

“What if they tell it wrong, after everything, they tell it wrong?” She asks, a shake in her voice that Jupiter knows all too well. 

“Then we’ll burn the theatre to the ground -”

“Don’t be like Lola for just a fucking minute, Jup; this is really important to me, I know you don’t get it, but arson won’t fix if they’ve ruined my family’s memory, you know?” 

Jupiter pauses for a long moment before wrapping Penny up in a hug, just as she had so many times for Jupiter before. Penny dabs delicately at her eyes before her tears can ruin her makeup.

“Our family wouldn’t let them release anything that didn’t do your parents justice; you wouldn’t sign off on anything that wouldn’t do them justice.” Jupiter tells her with the utmost seriousness, though Penny’s expression is still doubtful.

“But what if I got it wrong?”

“Penelope Dingley Lee, first of her name, if your parents were here, they’d be so immeasurably proud of you, because they loved you more than anything else in the world,” they took Penny’s face in their hands, made sure she was looking at them, “you couldn’t fail them even if you tried.”

Together, they face the crowd, who go wild at the sight of them, and smile like this isn’t one of the most uniquely strange and painful experiences of their lives. Flashbulbs go off and Jupiter strikes pose after pose, soaking up the attention with Penny by their side. They get to their siblings, to the rest of their family, there’s shock, and surprise, and when they look at Lola, wearing a black, velvet dress with her hair slicked back, she’s shocked. 

“Look at you,” Tommy marvels with a million-watt smile, “this is one hell of a stunt, kiddo, you look fantastic!” And he wraps them up in a hug, looking proud as punch. 

Mick is laughing harder than Jupiter’s ever seen him laugh before, and Vince and Nikki are wearing almost identically fond and disbelieving smiles. But Lola is unreadable.

“Never thought I’d see the day,” Mick makes his way to Jupiter, pats them fondly, and Jupiter makes a point of patting his head with their enhanced height, “you wear it well, kiddo; didn’t realise those two had good genes to pass on but it seems they did.” Tommy, who overheard the remark, sees Mick’s good-natured smile and teasing tone, and flips him off with a smile of his own, while Lola snickers.

“Fuck you, you geezer,” she tells him with a well worn fondness, before looking back at her child, who suddenly feels strangely nervous, though they try their best to cover it with bravado.

“They say I look like you,” Jupiter says with a smirk, and Lola shakes her head, expression turning amused. The rest of the family and the band is busy taking photos, but Lola tentatively approaches Jupiter, asks if she can hug them. Jupiter, who’s never really been one for physical contact, acquiesces, bending to hug their mother. 

“You have a much better head on your shoulders than I did at your age,” Lola mutters, and gives Jupiter a squeeze, before adding, “you look so badass, sweetheart.” 

Jupiter has no idea what they were expecting, but this almost definitely wasn’t it. Lola and Jupiter get countless photos together, and in the moments that follow, when the cast arrive, Alicia almost doubles over with laughter, crowing about how they should have cast Jup instead. The three of them get a photo together, and it’s one of the proudest moments of Lola’s life.

Focus from Jupiter dies down as people are splitting off to get photos with their doubles; Max and Josie tug Penny away to get a cheesy family photo with her, while the band and cast were taking side by side comparisons. 

By the time Douglas has reintroduced himself to Seo, not recognizing him without his hoodie and sunglasses,the rest of Lola’s kids are doing an incredibly poor job of hiding their laughter.

“Dude, who is that?” Colson asks Jupiter, trying his hardest to be discrete. Jupiter raises their eyebrows, casting their gaze to Seo before looking back at Colson.

“That’s my brother.”

“How many do you have?”

“Four.”

“And that one’s -”

“Seo.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Colson half laughs, looking back at where Seo was taking photos of Cerie on her phone for her instagram, “are you- that’s Seo? Seo! Dude!” He calls, and Seo looks over in their general direction, flashes a toothy smile, before turning back. “That dude was under that hoodie that whole time? Guess I owe Daniel five bucks.”

“What?” Jupiter laughs, and Colson looks a little sheepish, wrapping an arm around them as a photographer calls their names.

“We all had a bet about what was under his hood,” Colson tells them, posing for the camera, “Iwan’s money was on alopecia -”

“He thought Seo just had no hair?” Jupiter snorted.

“I was thinking embarrassing face tattoo, Doug had weird-coloured hair, and Daniel had -”

“Regular dude?”

“Weirdly handsome dude, actually, and I can’t believe he’s spot on -”

“And I can’t believe you seem to have a thing for my whole family,” Jupiter gave him a gentle shove, while Colson gave a rougish grin.

“Only ‘cos if I think too hard about you, lookin’ the way you look, we’re not gonna make it to the actual movie,” he murmured in their ear, and Jupiter swallowed hard, smile widening on their face.

“The movie starts in half an hour; meet me in the second story bathroom in ten minutes,” and with that, they split, each moving to take more photos, Colson doing a few interviews while Jupiter made their way to the bathroom discretely.

Before he leaves, Colson can’t help but say hello to the oldest Sixx child; Seo squints at him for a moment before smiling.

“Hey man, good to see you,” he says, and without a doubt, that’s Seo’s unflappable baritone. 

“Gotta say, man, you clean up nice, almost didn’t recognise you,” Colson admits, wrapping an arm around Seo’s shoulders as they take a few pictures together. Seo looks at whoever calls his name loudest, smiling brightly. “How you doing man?”

“Great, man, like a pig in shit,” he says, “can you do me a favour?”

“Depends, what’s up?”

“Point me in Penny’s direction; she’s wearing the same colour thing as Cyrus and I am fucking lost,” he laughs, and Colson does a double take, which Seo seems to miss, “Cerie was right, I should have just worn my damn glasses.”

“Dude, are you blind?”

“Legally, yeah, can’t properly see anything that’s not six inches away from my face.” And suddenly things are make a lot more sense.

“Your sunglasses are prescription, aren’t they?” Colson steers him in the direction of Penny, who caught sight of the pair of them, meeting them in the middle.

“Bingo,” Seo tells him with a grin, before letting Penny tuck her arm in his. After a beat, he adds, “thanks Daniel.”

“Actually I’m -” Colson goes to correct, actually a little embarrassed, but Seo snickers.

“It’s a joke, Kells, I know it’s you,” and he adds, “Jup left like twelve minutes ago, if you were looking for her.” And it’s eerie that he knows that he was. But it sounds like a blessing, if anything, and Colson tries to get away as unnoticed as possible.

[Cyrus] DJ Dumbass sent a photo to Bastards Incorporated. [Cyrus] DJ Dumbass: JUPITER WHERE U @ UR BOYFRIENDS ESCAPING [Jupiter] Electra Complex 😘: none of your business [Cyrus] DJ Dumbass: :O [Penelope] the only valid lee: they’re really in character ;) [Cyrus] DJ Dumbass: lmao what if i sent a screenshot to lola [Cyrus] DJ Dumbass: Jup [Cyrus] DJ Dumbass: @Electra Complex 😘 Penelope changed Cyrus’s nickname to QUIT SNITCHIN MFKER. [Cyrus] QUIT SNITCHIN MFKER: they’re not even RESPONDING [Cyrus] QUIT SNITCHIN MFKER: @Electra Complex 😘 this is the fuckin funniest i can’t believe you’ve been possessed by the spirit of 80s mom on tonight of all nights [Penelope] the only valid lee: since they aren’t here to defend themselves, cyrus im gonna rip out ya spine mortal kombat style [Seo] King of the Ripsticks and [Cerie] Evil Cyrus ❤️ reacted.  [Cerie] Evil Cyrus: a threat jup would be proud of [Penelope] the only valid lee ❤️ reacted.  [Cyrus] QUIT SNITCHIN MFKER: thats fair

Jupiter doesn’t mind, just this once, that history, in it’s own twisted way, repeats itself. If both of them look a little too pleased, a little too rumpled, no-one comments; it’s in the spirit of the film after all.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #279

“she could kill you with a wink of her eye.”

Have you ever met a guy for coffee? No, I don’t like coffee. Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? I don’t currently have any dogs, but when I did, it was very rare and (almost) only if he wasn’t begging for it. The only exception was chicken nuggets; Teddy loved him some chicken nuggets, holy shit. That and peanut butter he would always get so excited about. What tricks does your pet do? Neither my cat nor obviously my snake know any tricks. Do you believe in psychics? No. When you hear the name “Ginger” what do you think of? Jason’s fatass beagle. I wonder how she is a lot, she was a darling. What is the worst damage that your car has seen? N/A What was the last thing that annoyed you? Probably my chronic boredom. :’) How would your parents react if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant)? Both would be extremely confused seeing as I’m not with a guy and absolutely do not want kids. Have you ever had a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mom or dad? Nope. Are you afraid of frogs? No, they’re Good. How would you react if a complete stranger complimented you? It depends on the compliment and how it’s delivered. If you sound genuine and it’s not creepy, it’s honestly really flattering and sweet, though I get really shy. Who was the last person to make you cry? Myself, technically, thinking too much about he who I shouldn’t, y’know. Do you have Facebook? I do. How would you react if you found out your crush had a terminal disease? God, I don’t want to think about this. I’d be absolutely crushed. Do you eat applesauce? I don’t go out of my way to get some, but sure, I like applesauce. What was the last pill you took for? It was one of my mood stabilizers. Are you in the hospital a lot? No, thankfully. What is your dentist’s first name, if you know it? I have no clue. Have you ever walked on the beach at night? Yes. Does your mother have any sisters? One. Do you read poetry/make it? I don’t really read it anymore, but once in five blue moons I’ll write one if I’m really inspired. Have you ever had braces? Yes, for way too long because we couldn’t afford to take them off. I think it’s why one of my bottom front teeth is angled back a bit. Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? My parents are divorced and I live(d) with my mom. Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? To Mom, yes. My sisters and I were going to visit Dad and it was just easier back then to make something else up. Are you afraid of lifts? Elevators? Yes. Not terribly, but I’m not a fan. Who did you last talk to in person? Is that person attractive? My “other mom” Tobey; she brought me some groceries while Mom’s away. She’s Mom’s age though so no, I’m not attracted to her. She’s like family. Have you ever had a deep, personal conversation with a stranger? I mean, isn’t that therapy at first? lmao Let’s talk about the person you had your first kiss with. Do you still talk to that person? If so, do you still like them? Would you kiss them again? No; no, I like his memory; I fucking hope not. How many times have you cried over the person you love/like? A couple times. When was the last time you wanted to cry, but didn’t, because you didn’t want to show that you were upset? Why? I’m really not sure. What are three things that are guaranteed to make you smile, or put you in a good mood? Going on a car ride with me in shotgun to blare my music; seeing Mark laugh oh my FUCKING god; and seeing meerkats being cute. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Nothing. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? My first teletherapy appointment. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Chicken of some sort is very, very common. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Ummm… good question. I know I have done this recently, I just can’t remember it… Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Jason is practically a staple. Mom is there a lot. And sure, doesn’t everyone? Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we’re basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? I think it’s possible, there really is some convincing evidence, but I lean more towards not believing it. What worries you most about your future? What the fuck I’m doing with my life. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? Deep breathing. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom, and sure. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I’m not sure. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? Give. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? OH MY GOD, SUDDEN MEMORY. There was this book we read in elementary school about this kid who made everything he touched turn to chocolate and it was fuckin wild. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? Oh, absolutely with someone. Y’all know I don’t enjoy TV that much anyway. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching the VOD on-and-off of a WoW streamer I like. Who taught you the most valuable lesson in life and what was that lesson? Jason. Don’t let anyone but yourself become your main source of happiness and worth. Have you got perfect vision? Hell no. I’ve got glasses for a good reason. What colour is the door to your house? White. Would you prefer a pet rat, mouse, snake, lizard or spider? Snake. <3 Are you a good liar (tell the truth this time)? Yes. Do you like the smell of a barbecue or bonfire? Yeah, even though I hate barbecue itself. Do you think rainbows are pretty or overrated? Who the fuck thinks they’re “overrated”??? Rainbows are gorgeous. I think we can all agree on that. Are you more skeptical or gullible? Skeptical. How often do you drink sodas or fizzy drinks? LOLOL I DO NOT WANT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? Considering I’m the polar opposite, no. Prefer being in control in a team environment, helping out, or taking orders? Help out. Do you like carrot cake? GIRL yes. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? Yes, because we have no greater right than them to be here. Hell, they’re probably more deserving with humanity’s selfishness. I’m aware as a meat eater there’s some hypocrisy here, buuut still in my heart I see them as just as valuable. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? She made an absolutely infuriating, false assumption of my mother. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? I’ve forgiven him. Forgetting’s a different story. What are you like during arguments? Regardless of the topic or severity, I will absolutely be fumbling over my words, stuttering, and find eye contact difficult. It’s definitely not rare that I’ll be crying. Where do you like to be kissed? WELL this depends on the mood y’know. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? I dunno, both can be very hard. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? It’s petty and I’d rather not give it the time of day. But I still am kind of angry, though I shouldn’t be. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? Why is this so oddly specific lol. But anyway, Mom, and that I love her. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? The one I trust the most. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them one hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or why not? No, because she was miserable. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? I don’t know. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Sara. Her friendship means a fucking lot to me. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? Yesterday to my mom. Are you old fashioned? HA, definitely not. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? Oh my god yes. What’s your most irrational fear? There are plenty of them that I have. Whale sharks lmao. Musicals: yay or nay? I can’t help it, they’re always cheesy to me. Do you play the games on MySpace/Facebook? No. When was the last time you were sunburnt? A few years ago when I went to the beach with Colleen and her fam. It was actually to the point of being sun poisoning. No words for how painful that shit was. How many times have you re-pierced a piercing yourself? Never have, never would. I’m trusting a professional with that. What’s your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. :’) How often do you pray? Never. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collarbone? I already have one but am getting it covered with something else eventually. It just doesn’t really apply to me. Do you wake up cranky? Not usually; I’m usually in my best mood in the morning. Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? No. Who was the last person to hold your hand? I don’t recall. What do you miss most about your ex? Define which ex. Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yeah. Do you and your last ex hate each other? We’re best friends lmao. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Absolutely typing on the computer. I make typos while texting too much. Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? Probably. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yes If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? Nooooo no no. Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? I’ve heard small stories about past relationships. Do you know anyone that’s gotten an abortion before? Yes. Have you ever been arrested? No. Who’s the last person that gave you roses? Tyler. Who’s the last guy you texted? My dad. What about the last girl? Sara. When was your first real relationship? From age 15 to 19-ish. Have you ever cried over an ex? I have PTSD stemming from one of them so guess lmao. Do you ever think about your ex and cry? ^ Have you ever cussed someone out? I remember one occasion at my sister’s stupid fucking ex. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Hm, not sure. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. “Your secret it safe with me” is something I’m hardcore about. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don’t think so, no. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what’s in it? No. Have you ever you shop lifted? No. What state (or country) do you live in? North Carolina. Are you listening to music right now? Yes; 3TEETH's cover of "Pumped Up Kicks." I have fallen in LOVE with them. What is your newest favorite website? I don’t think I’ve really had a “new” favorite website in like eons. Do you have embarrassing memories of stupid things you've done? You have no fucking idea. I still remember things that embarrassed me in pre-k. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Scrambled eggs, I’m sure. What color Christmas tree do you want when you have a house someday? BLACK. BLACK WITH FAUX SNOW. How fucking gorgeous would that be??? Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No. Do you know the names of 3 of your neighbors? No. I only know the name of one. What was the last thing you cooked that you burnt or cooked for too long? I’m unsure. If you could have a car in any color, which color would you choose? ANY color? Pink. What was the last grocery store you shopped at? Walmart. What was the last type of milk you drank? 2%. Do you plan to vote in the next election? Yes. I believe silence speaks for the evil in situations like this, and I’m done doing that. Thooouuugh I gotta educate myself on the candidates… What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing. What is the last thing you charged? My laptop. Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? I don’t know, been a long time. Do you like peas? NOOOOOOOOO. It’s funny, according to Mom, I loooved peas as a baby, but now I’m just like… can’t relate. Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? No. Which friend are you most similar to? Sara and I are very similar. Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? Well Sara is many states away so like,,,, we can’t unless I wanna buy a plane ticket lmao. If it was Jason, I pretty much know I’d say yes like a fucking idiot. If it was Girt, it’d be a yeah, we haven’t hung out in forever. Do you have alcohol in your house? No. Have you or anyone you know been to rehab? I’m sure someone has. Have you ever swung on a tire swing? I think I have at least once. What’s a discontinued product you wish they still made? Damn, I know there are some, but they’re not coming to me. Have you ever been involved in Facebook drama? Yes. Actually told a motherfucker off a few days back that claimed there was “something wrong” with Breonna Taylor and her death was justifiable. I. Went. The fuck. Off. Then everyone joined in. :D Do you have anything against women who choose to be stay-at-home-mothers? No?????? The fuck?????????? Have you ever kissed someone with a beard? Not a lengthy one. What gaming consoles do you own? PS2, Wii, GameBoy Advance, Nintendo DS Lite, my laptop, and uhhh I think that’s it. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Well, mentally sick. Do you know any lesbian couples? Yes. Did your parents monitor your internet usage when you were a teen? Yes. Well, Mom did. Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Yes, the thing that communicates with my wireless mouse. What advertisements are on your screen at the moment? None. Was there ever a time when you felt absolutely terrified? If so, why? I can’t describe how terrified I was the night of the breakup. It felt so unreal, and I was so certain my life was over. Then there was an occasion where my dad picked my sister and me up from school and he was in an AWFUL mood; he was speeding like a motherfucker and running red lights. I absolutely thought a we were going to get in a wreck or die. Then I have anxiety and have experienced panic attacks, so… guess lmao. Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? One of the most profound in my life is actually Rhett and Link as well as Hannah Hart. When I started watching GMM, I was actually still homophobic, but gradually I started to ship the fuck out of those angel boys despite it. I started questioning my viewpoint, and finally, on their podcast where Hannah was the guest, telling her personal LGBT story, it just clicked how disgustingly wrong I was. When was the last time you went to a bar? I’ve never been to one. Why did you last see the doctor? I’m going to assume you mean a doctor for physical reasons, in which case I went in to talk about if I qualified for a sleep study regarding my nightmares, only to be told that because my actual doctor was absent, she could do nothing. Sooo Mom and I walked in pretty much just to pay someone to say “wait.” How do you spend the majority of your free time? Something on the computer, I’m sure. Lately, what I’ve been doing most is playing WoW while watching/listening to something. List the cards in your wallet. I don’t care enough to look. Not a lot. What was the last thing to inspire you? Ummm idk. How has COVID affected you? It really hasn’t, other than giving me anxiety regarding my mom as she is in the “of most concern” demographic, if you will. We don’t know if her cancer is gone yet due to the whole emergency trip to NY. But yeah, I personally leave the house like… never, so my daily life hasn’t really had any deviations. What is a comfort show of yours? Hm. I share enough that I’m not a TV person, so I don’t really seek out a show when I need comfort. But I guess if I was sitting there with the remote and I was really down, I’d be happy to find That ‘70s Show. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? As I believe *some* sort of greater intelligence is responsible for the universe, I like to think so. But if not, make your own reason. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? I’ve been home alone for over a month now and am somehow doing okay, taking care of the house and myself. Animal Crossing , yay or nay? I’ve never played it. Not of my interest in games. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? “Breaks” are bullshit. You’re either together or you’re not.

[shesgayfor]

Teenage Wonders

Summary: Reader is the newest teenage avenger just like Peter, and has to get braces on because dental hygiene is still important as an Avenger. Steve, who acts as a parental figure to reader, brings her. Stucky. We’re also pretending Tony lives after the new snap because, fuck that.

Characters: Steve Rogers, Reader [she/her], Peter. Mentions of Bucky, Tony, Natasha, Carol, and Bruce.

TW: Dental, Dentist tools/talk, Anxiety

“Y/N, please open the door so we can go. I really don’t want to have to send Vision in to get you.” You heard Steve speak to you through the door.

“Why do I need them? I’m an Avenger fighting bad guys, having metal in my mouth will make everything so much harder.” You fought back.

“I understand that, but you have been complaining about your teeth the past few months, and they can really help you out.” Steve replied.

You knew Steve was right, you did hate your teeth. You had a gap in the front, and it caused you issues when smiling. The back few were also overlapping weird in your mouth, making it hard to eat certain foods. You were just afraid of how you’d look with them on, not to mention the entire team would constantly make fun of you, especially Tony. You didn’t want to deal with that.

You opened the door slowly, to reveal Steve and Bucky standing at your doorway, staring you down.

Steve and Bucky were like the parents you never had, and them finally confessing their love to each other years ago made it easier to look up to them, together. Watching healthy romantic relationships will shape the way you see relationships in the future, and you have Steve and Bucky to thank.

“...Dads.” You said to them.

They looked at each other and smiled. Everyone knew it was a joke, but it made Bucky and Steve happy to hear that.

Bucky planted a kiss on Steve before saying “you got this Y/N? Or do you want me to accompany you as well?”

“I think I should be okay with Steve. Besides, you and the team have that thing you gotta do, don’t worry about me.” Bucky’s lips curled into a smile as he agreed and walked off, leaving you and Steve together, preparing for the day ahead of you.

Steve put his strong arms around you pulling your nervous self into his tall figure. “Ready?” You looked up at him with sad eyes, to only agree and head to the dentist to get your braces on.

You and Steve sat in the waiting room, waiting for your name to get called. Steve grabbed a magazine next to him, and you just sat there still as a board, unable to move. Steve noticed your nervousness and put the magazine down to look at you.

“What’s going on?” His eyebrows looked calm and his eyes were concerned, but understanding. Steve appeared to be an emotionless robot a lot of the time, but you knew how kind and understanding he was out of everyone on the team. You hesitated before finally spitting out what thoughts you’ve been thinking the past week were.

“Well, for one the thought of metal sitting on my teeth is just weird. Like I know I’ve dealt with aliens throwing metal at me but like, this is different somehow. Is it gonna hurt? And I know everyone’s gonna make fun of me, you saw the way they treated Peter when he had them on too. Tony especially oh my god I’m not gonna hear the end of it from him.” You said it all so fast you literally ran out of breath.

Steve nodded, acknowledging he understood your concerns. He let out a small smile, before looking at you saying “I’ll deal with Tony, yeah? I won’t let him say anything to you, and if he does I’ll punish him.”

You let out a tiny smile, feeling cared for by Steve.

“As for metal on your teeth? I know it’s a weird thing. Braces and all this wasn’t a thing when I was a kid, in the 20/30’s. We’ve come a long way, and therefore the advanced technology will make it safe and comfortable as possible, yeah?” Steve reassured you.

“I hope.” You replied.

“Y/N?” A woman in purple scrubs called out.

“Fuck.” You muttered under your breath.

Steve grabbed your hand and lead you to the back, into one of the rooms they had set up. You took a seat in the upright sitting chair, that just looked horrible to you. Steve grabbed a seat right next to you, still holding your hand.

“Hi Y/N, how are we doing today?” The same woman in purple scrubs asked.

“Uh, fine.” You replied hastily.

She smiled at you and Steve, and began to describe what was going to happen during the appointment.

Steve chimed in to ask a question, “Does this process hurt at all? Will she be in any pain?”

“Not at all,” the woman replied, “there’s no drills or anything of the sort. It is slightly uncomfortable the days following having the braces on, but the initial part does not hurt.” She reassured. Steve nodded and flashed a tiny smile your way. You forced a smile back his way, but it was clear you still looked nervous.

“Okay! I am going to start by cleaning and then drying your teeth, and the dentist will come in and finish the rest of the process. Sound good?” She stood in front of you explaining. You nodded in agreement, and laid down in the chair ready to accept your fate.

The woman in purple scrubs laid back the chair bringing you to a 160 degree angle. You felt at ease as Steve continued to hold you hand. There was no reason for you to be so nervous, but you were and it was killing you. The woman pulled out a mouth device that looked like a weird shaped circle.

“So this is going to hold open your mouth so that I can see all of your teeth.” The woman told you.

Steve looked at it with confusion, not understanding how something that looked like that would fit into someones mouth.

“Okay, open please!”

You did as instructed. The woman put her gloved hands to fit the device into your mouth, adjusting it until it was in the right position. Steve looked wide eyed at your mouth, baffled that this was a thing. The device was properly placed, and the woman began to clean your teeth as she said she would. This part was painless, but you felt embarrassed in front of Steve, but you knew he didn’t actually care or have judgement towards you.

She finished up her cleaning, and began to dry the teeth so that the braces could be put on. Moments later she was all done with her part.

“Okay! This part is finished. I will go grab the dentist who will be the one putting your braces on, I put a tongue guard in your mouth so that the teeth stay dry. I apologize that it is uncomfortable, but are you in any pain?” The concerned hygienist asked you.

You shook your head no, because you were not in any pain thankfully.

“Great. The dentist will be in shortly.” The hygienist left the room leaving you and Steve alone for a bit.

Steve brought his face to yours, and you felt relaxed just by looking at him.

“Doing okay?” He asked you.

You weren’t able to talk, with the tongue blocker in your mouth and all, so you nodded at him. He let out a comforting smile, and nodded back at you.

“I think if I was a kid in this century, I probably would have gotten braces too before I became a super soldier.” Steve started. “My teeth weren’t straight by any means, but unfortunately dentistry wasn’t as enhanced as it was now, therefore there was nothing anyone could do. After the serum though, they all of a sudden were ridiculously straight and fixed, I was so baffled. Even Bucky noticed when we finally reunited 80 years later” he laughed at this comment, “which was cool.”

“I ‘ish I ‘ould ‘ave ‘ome of the ‘erum.” You tried to get out.

Steve laughed. “I know. But hey, you’re going to have straight perfect teeth like me in a few years, we’ll be twinning.” He was smiling big at this point. You always loved Steve’s smile, and the thought of you having a similar smile made you happy.

Moments later the dentist approached with a handful of tools and equipment.

“Hey everyone, I’m Dr. Blu, but you can just call me Anna!”

“Hey Anna, I’m Steve and this is Y/N.”

She laughed before explaining she knew who both of you were, and not because of the patient file.

“So I’m going to start putting the braces on now, okay? This part is painless, it’s just application with some glue involved, nothing else.” She reassured you. You nodded at her comment, and the dentist began her process. Steve watched the entire thing, amazed by the process.

“You ever have braces Mr. Rogers?” The dentist tried to start a conversation.

He laughed, “No, and we were just talking about that. I told her how after I became a super soldier, my teeth straightened themselves and became what they are now. Before all that, I feel I definitely would have needed them because they were all over the place.”

Anna laughed, “That’s incredible, because I was going to compliment you on them, they’re very straight.”

“Oh wow thank you! Yeah it was more of a miracle.” He joked.

The dentist began putting on the braces on each tooth, and you could feel it, but it didn't hurt. A while later, your entire mouth was filled with metal. You felt as the dentist attached a wire to each of them, finished up putting them on. She did the final touches before finally concluding the process.

“Okay, you are all done!” The dentist spoke as she removed the device from your mouth. You ran your tongue over your teeth, feeling metal squares everywhere. Steve was still looking at you comfortingly while holding your hand. He smiled at you when you met eyes. You smiled back, showing your new set of braces.

“They look cool Y/N.” Steve tried to make you feel better.

“I doubt it, but thanks.” You laughed back.

You were back at the Avengers tower with Steve, and you were nervous about facing everyone now with a mouth full of metal. You were walking in as Peter swung past you, webbing himself everywhere.

“Hey Y/N!” Peter yelled as he was flying around everywhere.

“Hi Peter.” You replied.

You were met with Bucky as he greeted you with a big hug.

“Let me see.” Bucky said with a huge smile. You knew he wouldn’t make fun of you like Steve, so you were comfortable bearing your teeth.

“Damn Y/N, you hold so much power with those on now. I’m a little intimidated you might be the most powerful avenger now.” He was doing his best to make you feel better.

“I’ll never be Carol.” You laughed at his comment, and Steve and Bucky both shrugged.

The three of you made your way to the kitchen, where Tony, Natasha, Carol and Bruce were all mingling. They all stopped talking when they saw you all walk in.

“Hey guys,” looking at Steve and yourself, “where you been?” Tony asked.

You looked at Steve with pleading, worried eyes. You knew it was coming, everyone was going to make fun. You knew Steve could only do so much, so you had to get ready for it.

“I took her to the dentist,” Steve started. You placed your arm across his chest as an attempt to stop him from talking, so that you could.

“I got my braces on.” You bared your teeth to everyone to show them. Steve looked at you confused, but you just shrugged.

“Awe Y/N you look so cute.” Nat said to you.

“They look good Y/N, you're gonna have amazing teeth after it’s done.” Bruce reassured you.

Carol, your mother figure, and the person you admire the most out of everyone on the team, gave you a reassuring nod.

“Oh my god Y/N, where do I start.” Tony was about to take a sip of his drink when Carol zapped the cup with her hands, making the water explode all over him.

“Say something Tony, I dare you.” Carol sternly said to Tony.

Steve and Bucky put their hands over their mouths trying not to laugh. You did the same. Ever since Carol showed up many years later, her and Tony have had an interesting relationship. Tony was always the “one in charge” with the Avengers, since he has all the money and is the one who funded the Avengers tower. But Carol is, the most powerful one of them all and has asserted a certain power in the group, and is highly respected by everyone, with her and Tony having a back and forth thing.

Tony put his hands up as a surrender, “Okay I won’t say anything my god. Y/N you look great.”

You gave him a dirty look as Carol walked over to hug you. Her and Steve looked out for you, and you were grateful for them both.

“How’d it go?” Carol asked you and Steve.

“She did amazing. No issues at all.” Steve told Carol.

Carol smiled at that comment, looking down at you gleefully. You nodded at Steve’s comment, assuring Carol everything went well.

“You’re gonna be ten times more powerful after these are off, because you’ll show up to the battles with those perfect teeth that enemies won’t even want to fight us, they’ll just surrender immediately.” Carol spoke to you.

You laughed at her comment. “Right.” You replied with a grin.

“Thanks for taking her Steve. I know I was supposed to but, you know that superhero life sometimes be in the way.” Carol told Steve.

“Not a problem! It was cool to watch the process of how braces are put on. Something I’d never would have seen in my older days.” Steve explained.

“Yeah true, it’s interesting to watch.” Carol responded.

“Did you ever have braces, Carol?” You asked.

“From what I remember about my childhood, I think I did.” Carol replied.

Steve interjected “Wait really?”

Carol’s face became relaxed. “Oh yeah, the 80/90’s was a revelational point for dental advancements, everyone had them who could afford them. I came across a box of pictures of me from like middle school and I had them on in a few pictures.” She smiled towards you. “Only the best come from improvements.” Carol whispered to you.

“Thanks Carol.” You replied pulling her in for a hug.

“Don’t sweat it, they only hurt for a bit, then you’ll be brand new.” Carol told you.

“Y/N!” You heard being called to you from behind. It was Peter, and he had just realized what was going on.

“You finally got them! Let me see let me see!” Peter exclaimed as he walked fast towards you.

You groaned and showed him your braces. “That’s what I’m talking about! Braces buddies!” He put his hand up to high five you, but you just looked at him with annoyance.

“Sorry,” he said softly. “They do look good though.”

“Thanks Peter, I’m not really a fan of them.” You replied.

Peter was a year older than you, and you guys were best friends. He joined before you, and he made you feel welcome and comfortable when you joined. Months went on when Peter confessed to you that he has romantic feelings for you. You knew you liked girls, so you had to gently let him down because it wasn’t going to happen. He happily backed off, to become your best friend and biggest supporter. You were like siblings, either fighting or getting along really well.

“I know Y/N, but it’ll be over soon. And then you and I will have the straightest teeth of the Avengers.” Peter tried whispering to you.

“Hey,” Steve interjected, “don’t forget about me.”

Everyone laughed, and headed back into the kitchen to sit around and chat, being the loving family that they all are.

[divagonzo]

Knight’s Side Castle - Ch. 4 of Beloved

Ch. 1 - Bishop’s Castle Ch. 2 - Pawn Ch. 3 - Knight

Ao3 // FF.net

A/N: In light of the lovely Ace followers, this is the PG-15/15 version of the story. Ao3 has the unedited version for appreciation.

Tagging Tagging @xweasleyfraserx, @remedial-potions ,@weasleymama @kingronw @vivithefolle @austenpoppy @melimelrockswell1204 @ashleopardd @hillnerd since people asked to be tagged when this first went around. (Sorry @justsaya for the extra tag.)

Tags: There’s some serious rowing in this one. So if you’re easily upset at intense arguments, you might want to IM/ask me so I can summarize for you.

“We came as soon as I heard,” Percy and Audrey slipped into the room with the rest of the family. “How is he?” Audrey kept back, looking splendid in her pale blue mind healer robes. “If I’m late for work so be it,” Percy spoke up.

“Alive, thankfully,” Arthur stood up first and went to give his middle son a hug. It wasn’t as awkward like it was years prior but tension filled the room. He hugged Audrey too, smiling at her. They hadn’t been engaged a month yet. “But that’s all we know for now.” Percy bent over to hug his Mum firmly, whispering something in her ear before she said something back too quiet for the others to hear.

“He got hurt on the mission,” Harry added. “We were out chasing a werewolf and – “

“The Healers will try to wake him later,” Molly interrupted, dry washing her hands on her lap.

“The Healers don’t know if he will wake,” Hermione wiped her eyes, for what looked like the hundredth time this morning. “It’s bad, Percy.” Audrey came over and hugged Hermione, whispering in her ear before the younger witch nodded back.

Percy turned and took a long, hard look at his youngest brother. He took his glasses off, pulling a kerchief from his pocket and cleaned his glasses. “How? I mean, how did he get hurt?”

“Our forth was on loan from the Welsh office. He cocked up,” Harry spoke up.

“You never said that git Trowbridge was on loan from the Welsh office.” Hermione’s dark eyes turned towards Harry and he felt the first instinct to recoil. She turned back to Percy. “That git hurt my husband accidentally.”

“Well, he was and it was, Hermione. He screwed up his wand movements and misaimed. It wasn’t intentional. We knew he was not the best but he was all we had available at that time. It’s not like we can ask a loose werewolf to go curl up and sleep while we try to scare up someone more competent than a troll.”

“And you just now thought of telling us, that Ron might die because you couldn’t be arsed to speak up and say, No, that git isn’t going with us.” Some of her hair escaped the wrap around her hair, covering her face before she tried to swipe it away before falling back in her eyes.

“It’s not like we have a choice in the matter, Hermione. It was a werewolf on the loose in a mostly muggle village. We took who we had and went with it. How was I supposed to know that he was completely incompetent? We thought he was only half-way incompetent.”

“Oh, I dunno, maybe tell that witch Jones that you’re not having someone who could kill my husband going out on the mission with you. Did you ever think of the others on your team?”

“This isn’t some cushy desk job where you sit and write legislation all day to protect others,” Harry snarled.

“Enough!” Audrey’s firm voice interrupted. “Harry, take a walk. Go eat something but go take a walk.”

Piercing green eyes turned on his eventual sister-in-law. “I am not – “

“I’m not asking, Harry,” Audrey kept her voice light and jovial but the edge was underneath it. Everyone in the room was watching, much like when he first faced the Norwegian Ridgeback way back when.

“Fine,” he stood and grabbed his jacket. “Rowing with Hermione isn’t how I want to spend my hours worrying about my best friend,” he slid past Audrey and to the door. “But I’ll be arsed if I’m the one to blame for this whole fucked up situation.” He slipped out, leaving it ajar.

“I’ll see if I can sooth his ruffled scales,” Arthur got up, “Maybe get some tea and scones for us,” He slipped out of the room silently, leaving the others behind.

An audible sniff broke the tension in the room.

Percy bent over the end of the bed, holding his head between his hands, saying something under his breath. When he stood up, he pushed his glasses back on. His eyes were puffy and red. “I can’t stay but I’ll be by after work. If anything changes before then, someone let me know,” his eyes fell on Hermione and she nodded in silent agreement.  She sniffed before raking the back of her hand across her face.

Percy went to the head of the bed and leaned over, making sure to not touch his brother’s head. Cracked lips were an inch from the Quidditch helmet covering the bandaging around Ron’s head. The contusions on his face clashed with the bright ginger hair on Percy’s head. He spoke quietly, so quiet that no one could hear him before he stood up and went to give hugs for the others. “I’ll let the Minister know,” his voice was rough.  Percy found Ron’s size 12 feet and squeezed them once. Percy left the room, leaving the women behind.

“Healer Cattermole, how long have you been on duty?”

The junior healer looked up from her expansive parchment at the older woman. “Since 8 last night. Things have been touch and go since Midnight with Auror Weasley.”

Audrey glanced around at the others. Molly was looking at Ron, trying to hide the tears leaking down her face with the handkerchief from her housecoat before tucking it back in and then pulling it right back out. Hermione had her head in her hands, shaking without making a sound.

“Why don’t you take an hour and grab a bite to eat or take a kip?”

“But I am supposed – “

“I’ll cover for you for an hour.”

“But Healer Greengrass and – “

“Nonsense. I can cover for an hour. I don’t want you exhausted and make a mistake. I promise to wake you if anything changes.”

“Yes, you’re right,” She slumped in the chair. “I’ll go get a kip.” The junior healer left her parchment and quill on the desk. She slipped out of the room, leaving the Weasley wives behind.

Audrey picked up the parchment and scanned it. She stopped, looked over the top of it at Ron in the bed and then went back to it, scanning it again.

“What does it say?” Hermione asked.

“Most of it is medical jargon. It’s quite boring,” Audrey looked back at the parchment.

“Rubbish,” Hermione spoke up. “What does it say?”

“Hermione, I – “

“Audrey, my parents are dentists. I read their medical books as a child. I have some understanding, even if it’s not as detailed as you might have.”

“You would,” she muttered under her breath. “You’re not going to like it.” The two women shared a long look, not bothering to look at Mrs. Weasley.

“Please,” Hermione begged.

Audrey pierced her with a hard look before relenting. “Don’t say I didn’t try to protect you.”

“That passed years ago and you know it.”

“I know.” She took a deep breath. “The Healers, including the junior healer, laid out their diagnoses and what they hope they can accomplish.”

“And?”

“Everything in this says to keep him comfortable and pain-free. They,” her voice broke a moment, “they don’t expect him to wake and eventually succumb to his injuries.”

“They did not,” Molly interrupted. “They said he would wake.”

“They said he probably would,” Hermione spoke over her. “I can’t believe they fed us a line of rubbish.”

“They aren’t, Hermione. What this is discussing is what reasonable outcomes they consider. Of course they want the best outcome. We all do. They aren’t going to give up on him. And it also discusses options when he does wake. You’re getting bent over normal medical information.”

“But that’s not what the junior healer wrote there.” Hermione came over to demand the parchment.

“I can’t let you read it. If you did she would be fired immediately and I would too. I can’t share this.”

“But you said – “

“I can discuss generalities. I can’t discuss specifics.”

“Bullshit,” She snapped. “This is all bullshit. I want answers and you’re feeding us Dragon dung. We need some Neurologists brought in. I’m going to call my parents and get the name of the best one in London.”

“Hermione,” Audrey tried to calm Hermione down.

“No, I won’t. We need them. We need another opinion. Or three. I will not stand by waiting for him to perish when I could do more than sit on my arse waiting on him to wake when it’s not guaranteed, much less expected.”

“Hermione, please, he’s getting – “ Molly tried to quell her.

“No,” she screeched. “He has to get better.”

“Hermione, I’ve read everything on the page, including what happened to him. The prognosis for what they had to do to save his life, it’ll be a bloody miracle he will wake.”

“He has to wake!” She shouted. “I’m not going to sit on my arse and do nothing to help.”

“Hermione, hush. That’s enough. I know you’re -”

Hermione cut across Molly. “No, I won’t. I can’t lose him. I refuse to sit idly by when he’s in this state. He’s come so far,” she yelled. “We’ve come so far.” She turned and yelled his way. “Don’t you dare leave me, Ron Weasley! You promised!”

“Hermione, yelling at him won’t make him wake.”

She turned, snarling. “Yes, it will! It worked for me.” She went up near his head. “Ron, wake up! Ron!” She grabbed his larger than life hand, dwarfing her own. “Ron, please, wake up!”

Molly went to hug Hermione from behind. She shrugged her off, twirling on her. “Don’t you tell me to calm down.” She turned back to Ron and pulled his hand to between hers, squeezing off and on. “He got to wake! I can’t do this without you!”

“Why do you think you’re alone in this, Hermione? We’re here. It’s not like – “

Hermione huffed, trying to regain her composure and failing. She turned on Molly. “Oh, like how you had no qualms listening to liars trying to cause strife and not asking me? How you were more than happy to send Harry and Ron monstrous amounts of sweets at Easter and barely anything for me, all because of that dung beetle Skeeter writing rubbish about me.” Hermione started shaking. “How about when I sent my parents off to Australia and when I arrived at your home you barely acknowledged me for the first week and only when Harry arrived that you deigned to speak with me? And I won’t even discuss how you intentionally kept me apart from Ron then, when nothing was happening between us, thinking me a scarlet woman already?

“If anything did happen to Ron, I would not be welcome anymore. You’ve shown me that time and time again.”

“That’s not true,” Molly hissed.

“Really? I remember you screaming at me to not hurt George when he was pissed at Harry’s birthday party, or how you branded me a scarlet woman, chasing me off because you couldn’t cope with Ron choosing me over you. And let’s not forget you telling Ron to abandon me to come live at home with you and Arthur and Ginny when he’d already told you what he was going to do and it wasn’t that. Or don’t you remember those terrible things you told me the week before we left to go to Australia to find my parents? Don’t you remember those horrible things when we came back? Or how you didn’t give a damn about me, only the rules of your home?”

Audrey stepped between the two witches, feeling the animosity bouncing off of her. She chose to focus on Molly. “Molly, how about I join you for some tea and then you run home to get changed? I know you want to be here today and wearing your housecoat and slippers won’t be that comfortable.” how about I join you for some tea in a moment and we can leave Hermione here with her husband a bit?”

Molly ignored her sodden handkerchief and focused on Audrey’s suggestion. “Yes, I think I will do that, and come back in an hour or so too.” She stared past Audrey, seeing Hermione falling apart. “Maybe having some tea and toast this morning will help.”

When she turned back, Hermione was bent over the edge of the bed, slowly soaking the white blanket covering his feet. Audrey understood that the two witches with her were on edge but the two of them would break if they kept at it.

Molly wiped her face before stuffing the linen handkerchief back up her sleeve. “Tea and a shower would be nice. Yes, I think I will.” Molly picked up her purse and slung it up onto her shoulder. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it, shaking her head in grief.

Audrey went behind Molly, closing the door yet leaving a crack. “Hermione, you’ll call us if anything changes? I will be back in five minutes.”

She ignored them when they left the room.

Hermione moved to the side of his bed, taking his left hand and rubbing her fingers over the hand-carved goblin silver band that he never took off. “Please, come back to me.” Hermione knelt down at the side of his bed, holding his hand. “I can’t lose you.” She kissed it gently before taking his hand and placing it on her face.

“Ron, I’m going to be late!” Hermione tried to throw Ron’s arm off of her but he held her tight, snuggling closer under the covers.

“Ten more minutes. I just got here.” His face was muffled in her hair but she learned to understand him with a mouthful of her hair in his face.

“It’s been two hours, Ron. I have to get up.”

“Call in, Hermione. I’ve not seen you in a week.”

“And I’m in the middle of a project for work.” She slid out from under his arm to the edge of the bed. “I’m due to present it Friday morning. I’ll take off after and spend the next few days at home with you. I’ll take off three days for you.”

He groaned. “Don’t bother. I’m being sent out Wednesday on a mission and don’t know when I will return.” Ron pulled the pillow over his head. “I get it. Isalright,” he mumbled before drifting off to sleep, missing her stricken expression and a tear falling down her face.

Hermione collapsed on top of him, completely satiated. It had been a week since they’d done this and her heavy breathing betrayed how much she did need him that way.

An enormous hand worked its way down her spine, resting low on her hips. “Do you have any idea how much I needed that shag?”

“Probably more than I did,” she replied back, trying to gather her wits about her from such an energetic session and failing miserably.” Hermione looked up at the blue eyes she loved and saw mirth dancing over his face.  “Then again, I did miss your hands on me.” She blushed and turned away from his face. “They are amazing hands, so talented.”

She lifted her head and saw his other hand pulling the hair away from her face and threading it behind her ear. “Oh so you liked that earlier when I  - “

She looked away. “That was different, absolutely.”

His eyes creased. “You, you didn’t like that? But I saw you reading in that book and – “

“That? And you read it too?”

“Well, yeah. I even made note of the bookmarked page so I could read that. Last Mission was bloody boring when I wasn’t on surveillance. So I thought I’d pluck up a copy and see what was so fascinating to you. Once I read that, I said why not try it and see?”

Hermione blushed hard. “It wasn’t like that, Ron.”

“It wasn’t?” His voice cracked and blanched.

“No,” she dropped her eyes to his chest and toyed with the smattering of gold hairs cresting his chest. “I was reading up on it because of something Gi – “

“Please don’t mention anyone in my family right now,” He groaned. The pillow exploded under his head, compressing down. “It’s not that I don’t know you compare notes with the others but damn, that’s barmy.”

“Anyway, someone we both know mentioned something interesting happened and it got me curious so I found that book at the local library and was reading up on it while you were away the last time. I found it academically interesting, not necessarily something I did want to try. I thought about it and discarded the idea. I didn’t realize that it might be something that would interest you.”

“So I nicked that book and read that rubbish, thinking that was something you wanted to try and it wasn’t?” He tossed his head back into the pillow, groaning from what happened. “And it was your curiosity to get you to read it? Merlin, I’m such a tosser.”

“Ron, it’s fine. It surprised me. That’s all.”

Ron lifted her arm off of his body to sit on the edge of the bed, shaking his head. “No, it’s not. I should have asked instead of trying to surprise you with something like that.” He looked at her, sitting on the edge of the bed with him. “I know you aren’t fond of surprises or anything you don’t bring up first.” He got up and went to the loo. Moments later, the shower turned on, leaving Hermione boggled at what just happened.

“Oh good, you’re still here.” Ron popped his head into her workspace known as an office. Books and parchment were stacked everywhere. “Want to pop over to the Leaky for a bite before I go on shift?”

“I’d love to but I have to finish this report tonight. We busted an elf smuggling ring and brought in a dozen elves that had been trafficked in from Belgium. My report to Cutcliffe is due in the morning.”

“Oh.” Ron’s face fell.

“But I can bring dinner by for you once I finish with this. It won’t be but an hour or so.”

“No, it’s fine.” He sighed. “Jones has us out for a training session tonight. I dunno when I’d return so don’t wait on me in the morning.” Ron disappeared before Hermione could move her chair back from the desk. By the time she got to her door, knocking over half a dozen sheets of parchment Ron was already in the lift at the end of the hallway, looking forlorn before the doors closed with a thud.

“Ron?”

“Hmmm.”

“We’ve been invited over to my parents for brunch today.”

“Hmmm.”

“Would you come with me? I don’t think I can handle Mum right now. She’s on a tear and I dunno if I can cope with her criticism today, not after the week I had. At least with you there, you know when it’s time to fake an emergency and we have to go.”

Ron put down the morning edition of the Daily Prophet, scanning the Saturday Quidditch scores. “Sorry, Hermione but I can’t.” He picked the paper back up and continued to read.

“Why? You actually love my Mum’s cooking. Dad enjoys spending time with you, too.”

“I promised George I’d be at the shop at 10 to work today so he could take the day off. He’s not had a day off in three weeks.”

“Ron,” she whigned. “An hour then?”

“I can’t, Hermione. I wish you’d have asked me Thursday. I could have told George no or made other arrangements with him.”

“I didn’t find out until Thursday evening. It slipped my mind until this morning.”

“Sorry, love, but I promised.”

Ron got up from the couch, pointed his wand at the wireless to turn off the Quidditch recap. He folded the paper back up the way she liked and put it on the coffee table. “Maybe next time, perhaps?” She was left standing in the living room, wondering where she went wrong.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Harry kept writing, trying to finish his thought for the report due in an hour.

“Harry, when is he coming back?”

Harry kept his eyes on his parchment, writing while also considering what Hermione asked. “I dunno, Hermione. He was called into Robard’s office along with Williamson and they were in there a while. When they did come out, Ron went home, was gone maybe ten minutes tops before returning with his Ruck. They left this morning and I’ve not heard a thing since.” He kept writing, hoping to finish with -

“It’s not like him to not tell me when he’s sent off on a mission.”

Harry finally looked up, tossed his quill down on the desk and pushed his chair back. “These things happen from time to time.”

“But he always tells me when he’s sent off. He knows I go mental if he leaves without saying something.”

“I dunno what I can tell you, Hermione. I don’t even know what he was sent off for. It’s not like they run every mission by me, you know? I’m only a junior Auror myself. I have no control over who is sent off on a mission, much less knowing everything happening outside of this department.”

“Yes, I know,” she huffed. “I wish he’d at least have sent me a memo.”

“Maybe there was no time? They did leave in a hurry from the portkey office.”

“Maybe,” she looked over at his desk, seeing how organized it was and tidy, too. “It looks like he won’t be back for a while, the way his desk looks.”

He saw Robards starting out from his office. He was on a short leash today it seems. “I dunno, Hermione. Sometimes we plan on being gone a month and its two days. Sometimes it’s 2 days and turns into weeks. We just don’t know until we get into the situation. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

She sighed again. “Dinner then, after work?”

Harry grimaced. “Sorry but Ginny is back from Berlin and I promised her a fancy dinner date in Soho. Who thought being a professional Quidditch player would change your tastes in food?”

“Oh, ok. Well, have a good time tonight.” She picked up her briefcase and walked out of the department while trying to hide the tears that were falling down her face.

Hermione jumped into Ron’s arms, peppering his face with a plethora of kisses. “You were gone so long,” she cried into his neck. “You never sent word while you were away.” She burrowed into his neck absorbing the sweat, stink, smoke and just how Ron naturally smelled.

Ron lowered her to the ground and buried his nose in her hair. The weight of the cocked up mission fell off of his shoulders. “I couldn’t. Robards forbid us from making any contact with anyone who wasn’t an Auror, and even then, only him or Jones. I couldn’t even tell Harry about it.”

Hermione pulled back from his jumper and looked at him with concern. “Ron, you smell of fire and of blood. What happened? Are you hurt? Is Harry hurt?”

“I… I can’t talk about it.”

“But I’m your – “

“Mission orders, from Kingsley himself.” He slumped slightly. “Merlin knows I want to tell you. God knows I do. But I can’t talk about it. I just can’t.”

“That bad?”

“Yeah, it was.” Ron threw his cloak and jacket off. “And I need a shower. It’s been too long without one.” He pulled the jumper off and grimaced.

“You’re hurt.” She looked up at him, studying his face.

“Yeah, I am. But I’ve been checked out by a healer and I have a few days off. It’s nothing a few days of rest won’t help.”

“Well, let’s tend you in the shower and see how badly you’re hurt.” She reached her hands to the vest on his body and he caught her hands, holding them like you’d hold a baby kneazle. “As much as I’d love a leg over tonight in the shower, I’m completely knackered. So if you want to scrub my back and let me sleep the next sixteen hours, I’ll make it up to you in the morning.”

Hermione bit her tongue to keep from screaming. But if that’s what Ron needed, she’d do that for him, even if it meant missing him for another week.

She couldn’t bear to tell him that she was leaving in the morning for a conference in Florence and would be gone until Friday evening.

Audrey held two cups of tea, one fresh and one tepid. The day old scones, freshened up slightly for crème tea were her second favourite for breakfast but in this case, anything is better than nothing. She bumped the door with her hip to quietly slip into the room and froze for a moment, thinking that everything went to hell. Hermione was laying her head under his hand, crying. “I can’t lose you. I need you. We need you. You have to come back to me, to us.”

[chicgeekgirl89]

I Could Have Loved You: A SEAL Team Fanfic

Chapter 2

A/N: I’m back. I’m alive. I’m writing. Kind of. It’s been rough people. 

Recommended Listening: Poison and Wine by the Civil Wars

                                  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Read Chapter 1 Here

They were practically living together. In the last three weeks they’d only spent two nights apart when she’d gone to visit some friends in Georgia. Sure, they still had separate homes. But he had a toothbrush at her place and she’d taken over a drawer at his and honestly it didn’t seem to matter where they ended up at the end of the day as long as it was together.

Sonny had never been a relationship kind of guy. He’d had court side seats to watching Jason and Alana implode, nursed Trent and Brock through more than one bender and subsequent hangover precipitated by a woman. He didn’t know how the fuck Ray managed it with two kids. And if Clay Spenser wasn’t the poster child for what being a SEAL could do to your relationship with your kids, he didn’t know who was. The idea of something more permanent wasn’t even on his radar.

But here they were shopping for groceries like the fricking Cleavers. Part of him was completely freaked out, but a bigger part of him told his worries to shut the hell up because he’d never been so happy and content in his life.

“Do you want barbecue chips or regular?” she asked as they wandered the store. 

Sonny took the bags from her hands and put them into the cart. “Both.”

She rolled her eyes. “In what world do we need two bags of potato chips?”

“In a world where maybe we have some guests over. And they need chips.”

“Are we feeding the whole neighborhood?”

“A little spontaneous block party never hurt anybody.”

“Like you’ve ever thrown a spontaneous block party.” She added a pineapple to the cart. “Do you want to get pork? We can do sliders tomorrow night.”

“Yep.”

He wandered to the meat section then grabbed a case of her favorite beer on the way back to find her. He could hear her laughing before he saw her and realized too late she was chatting with a friend. He was already in the aisle so he just walked back up to the cart and deposited his findings. “Sorry to interrupt.”

The other woman was looking at him curiously. “Oh, Sonny this is Casey. Casey this is Sonny.”

“Nice to meet you.” Sonny shook her hand.

He might not be the most well versed on the inner workings of women but the way Casey was looking at him told him she was interested. “I’ve heard a lot about you Sonny. Honestly I kind of expected a pistol and some spurs.”

He chuckled. “I like to save those for special occasions.”

“You’re one of the team guys right?”

“I’m Navy, yeah.” 

“Hmmm….” She openly looked him up and down and he nearly laughed out loud at how obvious she was being. “So what are you two shopping for?”

“Team barbecue. At Sonny’s place,” Lisa improvised.

“Oh fun! I love a good barbecue.”

Sonny faked a cough to cover his laugh. She was fishing for an invite.

Lisa’s eyes had become a little frosty. “Good to see you. We’ll get coffee next week?”

“Yeah definitely.” Casey took the hint and began to stroll away with her cart. “Nice to meet you Sonny. Enjoy your shopping!”

Sonny raised his eyebrows, waiting only until Casey was out of earshot before voicing a question. “What was that?”

“What?” Lisa asked, pushing the cart in the opposite direction of where her friend had headed.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were a little jealous.”

She scoffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Mmhmmm.”

“I am not jealous!” She shrugged. “And technically you’re free to flirt if you want to.”

It occurred to Sonny that the little spark of green eyed monster he’d seen in Lisa’s eyes might not have been there if she’d come outright and said they were together. But they weren’t. Not officially. That was the deal right? Have fun together for as long as it was good and beyond that…He frowned. The idea that Lisa would think he’d even consider seeing someone else while they were doing whatever this was didn’t sit right with him. “You know I’m not…that I wouldn’t…I told you I was giving up my punch card to the Pleasure Palace and I meant it. I wouldn’t lie to you about that.”

She stopped and looked at him. “I know. But I’m not going to be here forever. I wouldn’t want to hold you back.”

“Back from what? Bars and strippers? They’ll still be there when you’re gone.” He winced as soon as he said it. “That’s not what I meant.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know what you meant.”

“Davis—“ It suddenly seemed extremely important that she knew what she meant to him, but he couldn’t quite find the words.

She smiled. “It’s all right Sonny. Come on. We still need stuff for tacos.”

She seemed sincere enough, but something felt different over the next few days. He tried to put it from his mind as they sat at a coffee shop enjoying breakfast. She was smiling at him, holding his hand across the table and he honestly couldn’t even process all the things that made him feel.

Of course that was when he spotted Clay and…was that really Stella with him? They were walking directly toward the shop. Sonny cursed internally. For a freaking SEAL he apparently wasn’t good at staying underground. “Sonny!” Clay raised a hand in greeting and Lisa’s fingers immediately slipped away.

“Clay.” Sonny nodded. “Stella.”

Stella looked a little uncertain, as if she wasn’t sure she’d be welcome, but she smiled and greeted both of them. “You want a coffee babe?” she asked Clay.

“Yeah and a bagel.”

“I’ll go with you,” Lisa said. “Sonny you want a refill?”

He nodded and handed her his cup. Clay settled into her empty seat. “You and Lisa drink coffee now?” he asked.

“Something wrong with coffee?”

“No I knew you two were drinking buddies I just thought it was more of the beer and whiskey kind.”

“Too early in the day. Gotta know your limits Hannah Montana.”

“What’s with you lately?” Clay asked. “You’ve practically turned into a monk the last couple months. Something you want to tell me?” 

Sonny glanced inside and saw Lisa laughing at something Stella had just said. “Just trying something new.”

Clay followed his gaze. “You want to talk about it?”

He cleared his throat. Clay might have his suspicions, but Sonny wasn’t giving up anything specific. “Clearly you have something to share with the class.” He turned the tables on his buddy and raised his eyebrows. Stella had been a pretty taboo subject since Mexico. Apparently a lot could happen when you got blown up and separated from your team for months on end.

Clay shrugged. “She came to me. And I…I don’t know.”

Sonny leaned back a bit. “You know young Jedi, I am definitely not the person to come to for relationship advice. But I always thought Stella was one of the good ones. So if she’s back, I’d give it a shot.”

“And what about you?” Clay’s look was pointed. “Is ‘Something New’ one of the good ones too? Because you know she won’t stick around if you’re out there looking for a little something on the side.”

“Hey!” Sonny said sharply, his temper rising. “I would never do that to her. I may be a little rough around the edges, but I have never, ever cheated on anybody.”

“Sorry,” Clay raised his hands and backed off. “Not my business anyway.”

The spike of defensiveness Sonny had felt ebbed way. Clay wasn’t wrong in suggesting he’d been a bit of a player. Heaven knew they’d been to enough strip clubs together to make that clear. But he hadn’t seen anybody else since this thing with Lisa started. Hadn’t even wanted to. 

That thought lodged in his heart as the ladies came back, coffee in hand and Stella and Clay took off. Lisa sipped her brew and studied Sonny. “You all right? Sounded like it got a little heated out here for a second.”

Sonny forced a smile. “Nah. Just arguing about the game last night.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You think I don’t know when you’re lying Sonny Quinn?”

“Well,” he cleared his throat,  “just a head’s up, Clay might suspect something. I didn’t confirm or deny it but, he made it pretty clear he knows something’s up.”

“Will he tell Jason?”

Sonny shook his head. “Nah. He’ll keep it to himself. Til he thinks I need a little heart to heart or some shit. Then he’ll get all quiet and say one of those bromance moment things like, ‘You want to talk about it?’”

“Would that be so bad?”

“Have you ever sat through a chick flick moment with Clay? It’s like being at the dentist. He just asks question after question and looks at you with those sad, puppy dog eyes and suddenly you’re telling him about that time your mama whupped you for eating the pie she made for the church potluck.” Sonny shivered. “Terrible.”

“I thought you were trained to withstand interrogation.”

“Not that kind. Damn kid always gets what he wants. It’s that stupid hair.”

“His hair makes you tell him things?”

“And the eyes. Remember what I said about the eyes.”

“You know you talk such a big talk Sonny when I know full well that you’ve made the guys spill their guts to you on several occasions.”

“Yeah but I don’t like it the way Clay seems to. When I do it, it’s a necessity. And it is usually followed up by a lot of beer.” He fiddle with his cup for a second. “Why are we keeping this a secret again?”

“Because of policy. And it was just kind of…a one time thing.”

“Yeah but that was before. Now it’s like a…” he thought for a second, “well a lots of times thing. Why aren’t we telling people now?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. At first I think we both thought it wouldn’t work out. And I know we’re both having fun here Sonny but this has an expiration date.”

“Would you want it to work out? If you were staying?” The words surprised him and it was clear they surprised her too.

“Sonny.” She set her mug down. “I am going to leave. Are you going to be okay with that?”

“You asking me if I’m going to sink into an alcohol fueled depression full of glitter and panties?”

“Well I wouldn’t have put it that way but, yes, I’m telling you that I want you to be all right. That I want you to move on.”

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll be fine.” But it didn’t sound convincing, even to his own ears.

She looked serious. “Sonny I have to know that you’re going to be okay once I’m out of here because if you’re not…then that’s my fault.” 

“Your fault? It takes two to tango lady.”

But she wasn’t listening to him, instead shaking her head, distress written all over her face. “Maybe we never should have started this. If I leave you behind and you fall apart, if something happens to you like what happened to Danny…”

“I am not going to end up like Danny.” Things were rapidly spiraling out of control. This wasn’t how he’d intended for this conversation to go.

“You have to be one hundred percent at all times Sonny. It’s the difference between you coming home on a plane or in a box. I don’t know, maybe we should just stop now.”

His heart squeezed in his chest. “Lisa, I’ll be all right. But don’t—don’t push this away just because you’re scared of the future.”

“Don’t lie to me Sonny.” She shook her head. “I’ve seen you when things go wrong. After Alana. After the last deployment. You bury yourself in drinking and partying and push away the pain until there’s nothing left but this empty shell.”

“That’s not going to happen this time.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’ve changed me!” The words exploded from him, and then he lowered his voice, realizing they were still in public. “Because I’m different now.”

She bit her lip and looked up at him like she didn’t quite believe what he was saying. “Lisa, I was a mess before you. And I’ll admit, it’s not going to be smooth sailing when you’re gone because,” he paused and tried to gather his thoughts, “because you mean a lot to me. But I will be all right. I promise. And I…I really, really don’t want to stop doing whatever this is just because it’s going to hurt like hell when it’s over. I think it’s worth having.”

“I don’t know Sonny. I think we just moved too fast here.”

She was pulling back. He could see it in her eyes and it hurt like hell. “Lisa, I am all in on this. But if you’re not, if you want to walk now…I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

She looked so confused and he wanted to take it all back to how it had been just an hour ago when she was holding his hand like they were real. Like this whole thing was more than just a fling. 

“I think um, I think I’m just going to go back to my place for a little bit. Figure some things out.” She was fighting back tears.

He tried to keep his voice normal even as his heart ripped in half. “All right. You want to talk, you just give me a call all right?”

“Yeah. Yeah I will.”

It felt like the air had been sucked from his lungs watching her walk away. Damn it. Damn it all to hell. 

[violetsystems]

#personal

Yesterday after two extremely long email chains, I was able to link my hosting and my epic account to a new email.  They both happened around the same time.  In both threads, I spent a lot of time explaining my situation over and over.  That I was let go from my job.  That I was locked out of the work email attached to the accounts.  I ended up having to provide a bank statement from four years back for the hosting.  I sat there skimming through page after page.  My spending was just erratic back then.  I looked at the liquor store charges in disgust.  I felt like it was more the universe nudging me with a gentle reminder than anything.  As I installed the professional version of Teams and thumbed through the Azure Active Directory panel, I realized something else.  I am incredibly overqualified to make somebody else money at my expense.  The other dull realization over the last week has been about finances.  I spent a large amount of my days biking back and forth around the city.  I purchased that bike years ago with the profits from a freelance job.  I designed a Drupal website for a video production company that wanted to encode ads in house before YouTube or Vimeo was industry accepted.  That was over twelve years ago at this point.  The same messenger bag from over fifteen years ago draped over my shoulders.  I maybe spend more time at the store but less on groceries.  My mind isn’t scattered around fifteen places at once with no answer.  I am a person who is bothered by ambiguity as much as the next person.  But I’ve also travelled to Seoul fifteen times alone on a passport without really knowing anyone out there.  On my way through the loop I stopped at the county offices to ask a security guard about state id’s.  He told me I’d have to queue up at the location I suspected.  Anything these days is easier to do before nine am.  I still wake up insanely early.  Ironically I’m up before the markets.  These days I’ve spent more time researching investment portfolio strategies than looking for salaried long term work.  It is true that living in America has offered some protections for people in my position.  But the ambiguity I’m living in regarding the final agreements for the end of my employment are still legally up in the air.  The decisions I made in the short term really don’t rely on any of that.  I chose to become liquid.  Like not in some hippy sense.  The truth of the last two decades of working a salaried job was that I was unable to rise out of debt.  I worked a non profit salary feeling that the environment was more suited for a person like myself.  I even sat in meetings like the Office where we scoured through gallup poll statistics.  I remember the echo in my head as the room was addressed.  People like us wouldn’t fit in working in the corporate world.  It was a Prison Mike speech.  All the dementors lined up outside the hallway so no one could leave or dissent.  Years later, I’m like Neo.  Flushed down the vacuum tube and stranded on my own little pirate ship.  Purple bandana notwithstanding.  Left with a final message from the Epic Games customer service agent encouraging me to play Fortnite.

It’s hard to miss a motherfucker riding around on a bike with pink handlebars, I know.  But really the experience from my side in the last two weeks has been telling.  Nobody wants to address it other than the fight to reestablish my identity.  Being locked out of your email sucks.  But this is kind of par for the course in IT land regardless of how liberal you think your employer is.  A lot of my life was tied up in my job.  It was a hard reset.  Twenty years of email is just gone.  It’s not backed up anywhere.  I can’t dig through and reference anything.  It wasn’t like this was the first traumatic thing to happen in my life.  I broke up with my girlfriend over ten years ago.  I had worked with her for years at that same job.  I literally got so many friends and people I cared about jobs.  Mainly because I thought I’d want to work with my friends.  I’m kind of used to getting burned by the truth in that respect.  I’ve had to spend a lot of time alone protecting myself from giving too much.  When I walked away from a ten year relationship I had to give up the car I paid for and the apartment I paid most of the rent in.  And in that respect, I started my life over far quicker.  A twenty year job and resume ending on an understandably legal note is just life.  The hardest part about getting a job is finding the right one.  And in an election year with a swarm of vultures looking for a poster boy, now may not be the right time.  And yet for all the shit I’ve done over twenty years, I’m still just as invisible if not more.  I feel like this is a real skill.  Much like building computers on the cheap and hosting enterprise level services from your couch.  I spent eight hours a day trying to motivate people to do work.  Now I just live my life.  This isn’t to say people could copy my advice and have the same results.  The first and most obvious fact is that to this very day, people think they’re better at knowing me than me.  And nobody really knows who I am or what my value is aside from a few people.  Most of them are hidden under layers of industrial camo for occupational reasons.  But I’m the one out in the open.  I’m the one wandering the streets while people ask me to read into their messages and agenda for free.  I’m the one who writes or posts a logo and could stand to benefit from the viral activity sparking up my financial portfolio.  Or I’m the one who can plug back into the matrix and get siphoned off for less than I’m worth.  I’m the one standing here three weeks later while nobody other than the people I write for even give a fuck.  I’m sure people spend hours talking about me.  How they’re worried about me and how the government did this or that?  But nobody even calls or cares to reach out from that old life I left behind aside from the people I’ve helped.  Even then.  Total silence.  And you thought pink was a loud color?

Week three and what I’m going to do is fairly simple.  I’m taking a break.  I’m pausing from life.  I’m paying my bills and holding down my liabilities comfortably until my birthday at the earliest.  I’m researching my benefits.  Organizing my expenses online.  Experimenting with my skills.  Building a better home office than any salaried job has ever accommodated.  I’m working for myself.  I’m not really entirely sure I can even claim unemployment.  I spoke with my dad last night about it.  It was nonchalant conversation.  He was all for taking the money.  That money is taxed.  It’s a complex situation.  And a highly political one during a time when politics in America literally don’t do shit.  Money does.  I have a COBRA extension to my health insurance.  That can be expensive but I’m not too worried about it.  I rescheduled a dentist appointment on Monday.  I got up to speed with them two years ago so I’m not expecting anything bleak.  I have vision insurance.  I have a battle axe of a resume and no fear of interacting with people.  I think that’s the worst thing about losing your job.  The self worth aspect of it.  Jamie Dimon of all people was talking about how he went from working 80 hours to zero.  It affected his net worth.  Not his self worth.  The problem being is that Jamie Dimon works for a bank.  I worked non profit academia along the same lines.  I’m also in an extremely opposite situation.  My net worth, liquidity, and choices to eliminate debt put me somewhere I haven’t been in twenty years.  And the mind fuck of it all is a lot to adjust to.  Kanye is out there crying every second of the day.  Super rich.  Super in debt.  Doesn’t make sense right?  Kanye was also three floors below me trying to teach a class at my old job.  I’ve literally been pile-drived continuously and held onto an invisible hand lovingly the entire way.  And here I am.  Not making excuses.  Not pointing at politics.  Not shouting nationalistic bullshit to divert the attention from the real problem.  It’s a lot to face for sure.  I deserve some time to process it.  Truth be told, the severance is thirteen weeks.  I’m not sure when that starts because I haven’t seen the lump sum yet.  It’s a tricky, contractual thing and I have no choice but to wait for it.  It definitely confuses my situation in terms of unemployment.  Definitely didn’t get to take advantage of any boosts other than the jetpack in Crucible.  I have money.  I can pay my rent and utilities.  And there’s no shortage of people watching to make sure.  Just nobody asking how I’m doing.  Which is good because that’s only for you to know.  People should already know.  Pink isn’t a hard color to read into.  Blue... that’s not my team.  I’m far too angelic for that kind of shit show. <3 Tim

[beardedchrisevans]

CHRIS EVANS IS READY TO FIGHT His success as captain america has made Chris Evans one of Hollywood's sure things, which means he can do whatever he wants with his free time. So why jump out of airplanes and get into it with David Duke?

The Canadian commandos are the first to jump. Our plane reaches an altitude of about eight thousand feet; the back door opens. Although it's a warm winter day below in rural southern California, up here, not so much. In whooshes freezing air and the cold reality that this is actually happening. Out drop the eight commandos, all in black-and-red camouflage, one after the other. For them it's a training exercise, and Jesus, these crazy bastards are stoked. The last Canuck to exit into the nothingness is a freakishly tall stud with a crew cut and a handlebar mustache; just before he leaps, he flashes a smile our way. Yeah, yeah, we get it: You're a badass.

Moments later, the plane's at ten thousand feet, and the next to go are a Middle Eastern couple in their late thirties. These two can't wait. They are ecstatic. Skydiving is clearly a thing for them. Why? I can't help thinking. Is it like foreplay? Do they rush off to the car after landing and get it on in the parking lot? They give us the thumbs-up and they're gone.

Just like that, we're at 12,500 feet and it's our turn. Me and Chris Evans, recognized throughout the universe as the star of the Marvel-comic-book-inspired Captain America and Avengers movies. The five films in the series, which began in 2011 with Captain America: The First Avenger, have grossed more than $4 billion.

The two of us, plus four crew members, are the only ones left in the back of the plane. Over the loud drone of the twin propellers, one of the crew members shouts, "Okay, who's going first?"

Evans and I are seated on benches opposite each other. Neither of us answers. I look at him; he looks at me. I feel like I've swallowed a live rat. Evans is over there, all Captain America cool, smiling away.

While we were waiting to board the plane, Evans told me that as he lay in bed the night before, "I started exploring the sensation of 'What if the chute doesn't open?'. . ."

Oh, did you now?

". . .Those last minutes where you know." As in you know you're going to fatally splat. "You're not gonna pass out; you're gonna be wide awake. So what? Do I close my eyes? Hopefully, it would be quick. Lights out. I fucking hope it would be quick. And then I was like, if you're gonna do it, let's just pretend there is no way this is going to go wrong. Just really embrace it and jump out of that plane with gusto." Evans also shared that he'd looked up the rate of skydiving fatalities. "It's, like, 0.006 fatalities per one thousand jumps. So I figure our odds are pretty good."

Again the crew member shouts, "Who's going first?"

Again I look at Evans; again he looks at me. The rat is running circles in my belly.

I look at Evans; he looks at me.

Another crew member asks, "So whose idea was this, anyway?"

That's an excellent question.

I ask Evans the same thing when we first meet, the evening before our jump, at his house. He lives atop the Hollywood Hills, in a modern-contemporary ranch in the center of a Japanese-style garden. The place has the vibe of an L.A. meditation retreat—there's even a little Buddha statue on the front step.

The dude who opens the front door is in jeans, a T-shirt, and Nikes; he has on a black ball cap with the NASA logo, and his beard is substantial enough that for a second it's hard to be sure this is the same guy who plays the baby-faced superhero. Our handshake in the doorway is interrupted when his dog rockets toward my crotch. Evans is sorry about that.

We do the small-talk thing. Evans is from a suburb of Boston, one of four kids raised by Dad, a dentist, and Mom, who ran a community theater. The point is, he's a Patriots fan, and with Super Bowl LI, between the Pats and the Falcons, just a few days away at the time, it's about the only thing on his mind. You bet your Sam Adams–guzzling ass he's going to the game in Houston. "Oh my God," he says, doing a little dance. "I can't believe it's this weekend."

Like any self-respecting Pats fan, Evans is super-wicked pissed at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Evans won't be rolling to SB LI with a posse of Beantown-to-Hollywood A-listers like Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck. For the record, he's never met Damon, and his only interaction with Wahlberg was a couple years ago at a Patriots event. Evans has, however, humiliated himself in front of Affleck.

Around 2006, Evans met with Affleck to talk about Gone Baby Gone, which Affleck was directing. Evans was walking down a hallway, looking for the room where they were supposed to meet. Walking by an open office, he heard Affleck, in that thick Boston accent of his, shout, "There he is!" (Evans does a perfect Affleck impersonation.)

By then, Evans had hit the big time for his turn as the Human Torch, Johnny Storm, in 2005's Fantastic Four, but he still got starstruck. As he tells it, "First thing I say to him: 'Am I going to be okay where I parked?' He was like, 'Where did you park?' I said, 'At a meter.' And he was like, 'Did you put money in the meter?' And I said, 'Yep.' And he says, 'Well, I think you'll be okay.' I was like, this is off to a great fucking start." Stating the obvious here: Evans did not get the part.

No, Evans will be heading to the Super Bowl with his brother and three of his closest buddies. Like any self-respecting Pats fan, Evans is super-wicked pissed at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for imposing that suspension on Tom Brady for Deflategate. Grabbing two beers from a fridge that's otherwise basically empty, Evans says, "I just want to see Goodell hand the trophy to Brady. Goodell. Piece of shit."

In Evans's living room, there's not a single hint of his Captain Americaness. Earth tones, tables that appear to be made of reclaimed wood. Open. Uncluttered. Glass doors open onto a backyard with a stunning view of the Hills. Evans stretches out on one of two couches. I take the other and ask, "Just whose idea was it to jump?" Since we both know whose idea it wasn't, we both know that what I'm really asking is Why? Why, dude, do you want to jump (with me) from a goddamn airplane? "Yeah," he says, popping open his beer, "I don't know what I was thinking."

Settling in on the couch, he groans. Evans explains that he's hurting all over because he just started his workout routine the day before to get in shape for the next two Captain America films. The movies will be shot back to back beginning in April. After that, no more red- white-and-blue costume for the thirty-five-year-old. He will have fulfilled his contract.

"Yeah," he says, popping open his beer, "I don't know what I was thinking."

Back in 2010, Marvel presented Evans with a nine-picture deal. He insisted he'd sign on for no more than six. Some family members thought he was nuts to dial back such a secure and lucrative gig. Evans saw it differently.

It takes five months to shoot a Marvel movie, and when you tack on the promotional obligations for each one, well, shit, man. Evans knew that for as long as he was bound to Captain America, he would have little time to take on other projects. He wanted to direct, he wanted to play other characters—roles that were more human—like the lead in Gifted, which will hit theaters this month. The script had brought him to tears. Evans managed to squeeze the movie in between Captain America and Avengers films.

In Gifted, Evans stars as Frank Adler. You don't get much more human than Adler, a grease-under-his-nails boat-engine mechanic living the bachelor life in Florida. After a series of tragic circumstances, Adler becomes a surrogate father to his niece, Mary, a first-grader with the IQ of Einstein. He recognizes that Mary is a little genius, and he does his best to prevent anyone else from noticing. Given the aforementioned circumstances, Adler has witnessed what can happen when a kid with a brilliant mind is pushed too hard too quickly. Then along comes Mary's teacher. She discovers the child's gift, and a Kramer vs. Kramer–esque drama ensues.

During a moment in the film when things aren't going Adler's way, he sarcastically refers to himself as a "fucking hero." Evans says the line didn't lead him to make comparisons between superhero Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) and Everyman hero Frank Adler. But now that you mention it . . . 

"With Steve Rogers," Evans says, "even though you're on a giant movie with a huge budget and strange costumes, you're still on a hunt for the truth of the character." That said, "with Adler, it's nice to play someone relatable. I think Julianne Moore said, 'The audience doesn't come to see you; they come to see themselves.' Adler is someone you can hold up as a mirror for someone in the audience. They'll be able to far more easily identify with Frank Adler than Steve Rogers."

Dodger. That's the name of Evans's dog, the one who headbutted my nuts and has since done a marvelous job of making amends by nuzzling against me on the couch. Evans got him while he was filming Gifted; one of the last scenes was shot in an animal shelter in Georgia. Evans had wanted a dog ever since his last pooch died in 2012. Then he found himself walking the aisles of this pound, and there was this mixed-breed boxer, wagging his tail and looking like he belonged with Evans.

Dodger is not exactly a name you'd think a die-hard Boston sports fan would pick. His boys from back home have given him a ton of shit over it. But he has not abandoned his Red Sox for the L.A. team. As a kid, he loved the Disney animated movie Oliver & Company, and his favorite character was Dodger. Anticipating the grief he was going to get from his pals, Evans considered other names. "You could name your dog Doorknob," he says, "and in a month he's fucking Doorknob." Evans's mom convinced him to go with his gut.

Right around when Evans was wrapping Gifted and heading back to L.A. with Dodger, the 2016 presidential campaign was still in that phase when no one, including the actor—a Hillary Clinton supporter—thought Trump had a shot. He still can't believe Trump won.

"I feel rage," he says. "I feel fury. It's unbelievable. People were just so desperate to hear someone say that someone is to blame. They were just so happy to hear that someone was angry. Hear someone say that Washington sucks. They just want something new without actually understanding. I mean, guys like Steve Bannon—Steve Bannon!—this man has no place in politics."

Evans has made, and continues to make, his political views known on Twitter. He tweeted that Trump ought to "stop energizing lies," and he recently ended up in a heated Twitter debate with former KKK leader David Duke over Trump's pick of Jeff Sessions for attorney general. Duke baselessly accused Evans of being anti-Semitic; Evans encouraged Duke to try love: "It's stronger than hate. It unites us. I promise it's in you under the anger and fear." Making political statements and engaging in such public exchanges is a rather risky thing for the star of Captain America to do. Yes, advisors have said as much to him. "Look, I'm in a business where you've got to sell tickets," he says. "But, my God, I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I felt strongly about something and didn't speak up. I think it's about how you speak up. We're allowed to disagree. If I state my case and people don't want to go see my movies as a result, I'm okay with that."

Trump. Bannon. Politics. Now Evans is animated. He gets off the couch, walks out onto his porch, and lights a cigarette. "Some people say, 'Don't you see what's happening? It's time to yell,' " Evans says. "Yeah, I see it, and it's time for calm. Because not everyone who voted for Trump is going to be some horrible bigot. There are a lot of people in that middle; those are the people you can't lose your credibility with. If you're trying to change minds, by spewing too much rhetoric you can easily become white noise."

Evans has a pretty remarkable "How I got to Hollywood" story.

During his junior year of high school, he knew he wanted to act. He was doing it a lot. In school. At his mom's theater. He loved it. "When you're doing a play at thirteen years old and have opening night? None of my friends had opening nights. 'I can't have a sleepover, guys; I have an opening night tonight.' "

That same year, he did a two-man play. For all of the twenty-plus plays Evans had done up to that point, preparation meant going home, memorizing lines, and doing a few run-throughs with the cast. However, for this play, Fallen Star, he and his costar would rehearse by running dialogue with each other. Hour upon hour, night after night.

Fallen Star is about two friends, one of whom has just died. As the play opens, one of the characters comes home after the funeral to find his dead friend's ghost. Evans was the ghost. Waiting backstage on opening night, he knew he didn't have every line memorized, but he had the essence and emotion of the play down. Onstage, he remembers, "I was saying the lines not because they were memorized but because the play was in me. I was believing what I was saying."

He was hooked. He wanted to do more of this kind of acting—real acting. He wanted to do films, in which the camera was right on him and he could just be the character, rather than theater, in which an actor must perform to the back of the room.

A family friend who was a television actor advised Evans that if he wanted to go to Hollywood, he needed an agent. Toward the end of his junior year, he had a ballsy request for his parents: If he found an internship with a casting agent in New York City, would they allow him to live there and cover the rent? They agreed. Evans landed a gig with Bonnie Finnegan, who was then working on the television show Spin City.

"I just fucked off. I lost my virginity that year. 1999 was one of the best years of my life." Until it wasn't.

Evans chose to intern with a casting agent because he figured he had more of a chance to interact with other agents trying to get auditions for their clients.

The kid was sixteen years old.

Finnegan put Evans on the phone; his responsibilities included setting up appointments for auditions. By the end of the summer, he picked the three agents he had the best rapport with and asked each of them to give him a five-minute audition. All three said yes. After seeing his audition, all three were interested.

Evans went with the one Finnegan recommended, Bret Adams, who told Evans to return to New York for auditions in January, television pilot season. Back home, Evans doubled up on a few classes the first semester of his senior year, graduated early, and went back to New York in January. He got the same shithole apartment in Brooklyn and the same internship with Finnegan. He landed a part on the pilot Opposite Sex. Even better, the show got picked up and would start shooting in L.A. that fall.

"I know I'm going to L.A. in August," Evans says, recalling that period. "So I go home and that spring I would wake up around noon, saunter into high school just to see my buddies, and we'd go get high in the parking lot. I just fucked off. I lost my virginity that year. 1999 was one of the best years of my life." Until it wasn't.

He wasn't in L.A. for even a month when he got a call from home. His parents were divorcing. Evans never saw it coming.

Family and love and the struggles therein are part of what attracted Evans to Gifted.

"In my own life, I have a deep connection with my family and the value of those bonds," he says. "I've always loved stories about people who put their families before themselves. It's such a noble endeavor. You can't choose your family, as opposed to friends. Especially in L.A. You really get to see how friendships are put to the test; it stirs everyone's egos. But if something goes south with a friend, you have the option to say we're not friends anymore. Your family—that's your family. Trying to make that system work and trying to make it not just functional but actually enjoyable is a really challenging endeavor, and that's certainly how it is with my family."

In the plane, a decision is made.

"I want to see you jump first," Evans shouts my way.

Of course he does.

Like any respectable and legal skydiving center, Skydive Perris, which is providing us with this "experience," doesn't just strap a chute on your back. First, you go to a room for a period of instruction. Then you go to another room, where you sign away your rights.

You may be wondering how the star of a billion-dollar franchise with two pictures to shoot gets clearance to jump from an airplane—never mind the low rate of fatalities, as Evans has presented it. So am I.

"Well, they give you all these crazy insurance policies, but even if I die, what are they going to do? Sue my family? They'd probably cast some new guy at a cheaper price and save some money."

Thinking the answer is almost certainly going to be no, I ask Evans if he's ever gone skydiving before. Turns out he has, with an ex-girlfriend. Turns out that ex-girlfriend is now married to Justin Timberlake. Evans and Jessica Biel dated off and on from 2001 to 2006. They took the leap together when Biel hatched the idea for one Valentine's Day. According to media accounts, Evans was recently dating his Gifted costar Jenny Slate, who plays the teacher. "Yeah," he says, "but I'm steering clear of those questions." You can almost feel his heart pinch.

"There's a certain shared life experience that is tough for someone else who's not in this industry to kind of wrap their head around."

We end up broadly discussing the unique challenges an international star like Evans faces when it comes to dating, specifically the trust factor. Evans supposes that's why so many actors date other actors: "There's a certain shared life experience that is tough for someone else who's not in this industry to kind of wrap their head around," he says. "Letting someone go to work with someone for three months and they won't see them. It really, it certainly puts the relationship to the test."

In Gifted, there's a moment when Slate's character asks Adler what his greatest fear is. Frank Adler's greatest fear is that he'll ruin his niece's life. Evans's greatest fear is having regrets.

"Like always kind of wanting to be there as opposed to here. I think I'm worried all of a sudden I'll get old and have regrets, realize that I've not cultivated enough of an appreciation for the now and surrendering to the present moment."

Evans's musings have something to do with the fact that he has been reading The Surrender Experiment. "It's about the basic notion that we are only in a good mood when things are going our way," he says. "The truth is, life is going to unfold as it's going to unfold regardless of your input. If you are an active participant in that awareness, life kind of washes over you, good or bad. You kind of become Teflon a little bit to the struggles that we self-inflict."

He continues: "Our conscious minds are very spread out. We worry about the past. We worry about the future. We label. And all of that stuff just makes us very separate. What I'm trying to do is just quiet it down. Put that brain down from time to time and hope those periods of quiet and stillness get longer. When you do that, what rises from the mist is a kind of surrendering. You're more connected as opposed to being separate. A lot of the questions about destiny or fate or purpose or any of that stuff—it's not like you get answers. You just realize you didn't need the questions."

This here—this stuff about surrendering, letting life unfold, taking the leap—this is why he wanted to go skydiving. It's why that sixteen-year-old took the leap and did the summer in New York; it's why he took the leap and turned down the nine-picture deal; it's why he got Dodger. Surrender. Take the leap.

And so I go first.

Oh, one important detail: Novice jumpers like Evans and me, we don't jump solo. Thank God. Each of us is doing a tandem jump. Each of us is strapped with our back to a professional jumper's front. I'm strapped to a forty-four-year-old dude named Paul. Considering what's about to happen, I figure I should know a little something about Paul. He tells me he used to own a bar in Chicago. Evans is strapped to a young woman named Sam, who looks to be twenty-something. She's got a purplish-pink streak in her black hair and says things like "badass." In fact, Sam introduced herself  by saying, "I'm Sam, but you can call me Badass."

At the plane's open door, my mind goes to my wife and two teenage sons, to those I love, and to the texts I just sent in case my chute fails. Then Paul and I—well, really mostly Paul—rock gently back and forth to build momentum to push away from the plane, to push away from all that seems sane.

Three.

Two.

One.

Holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK. This is what I scream as we free-fall from 12,500 feet, at more than a hundred miles an hour, toward the earth. Which I cannot take my eyes off of. I think about nothing. Not living. Not dying. Nothing. I simply feel . . . I have let go.

Suddenly, it all stops. I'm jerked up. Paul has pulled the chute, and it does indeed open. This is fantastic, because it means we have a much better chance of not dying. But it's also kind of a bummer. I had let go. Of everything. I had chosen to play those odds Evans had talked about. I had embraced jumping and letting life unfold.

Now I had been jerked back. I would land. Back on the earth I had been so high above and from which I had been so far removed. Back in all of it.

Once I'm on the ground, safe and in one piece, a staffer runs over and asks how I feel. I say, "I feel like Captain America."

The staffer runs over and asks Evans the same question. He says he feels great. Then he's asked another question: What was your favorite part?

"Jumping out," he says. "Jumping out is always a real thrill."

This article appears in the April '17 issue of Esquire.

[paler-than-thou]

a’ight so

you just want

everything

welp

here we go (under a read more to save dashes)

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? In the real sense or in the alien/gods/etc sense? XD Nah, I’m aware there’s things other than humans to this world. I don’t doubt, because hell, I know.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? I’d say about a 2, headed into 4-5 depending on mood, people I’m with and if I’m in an unfamiliar place.

3. The person you would never want to meet? I don’t really know? Can’t think of any one person, tbh. There’s plenty I’d hate (like Trump etc) but yeah...

4. What is your favorite word? Oh fuck, I don’t know. It’s more of a phrase but ‘Damn straight’ I guess? There’s a few I like the sound/feel of saying, and a lot of Polish I like (’przyjaciel’ being no 1 for sound and meaning) but yeah.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? Uh. Prehistoric and smelly.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? Good god why.

7. What shirt are you wearing? Nada, clothes are for heretics.

8. What do you label yourself as? Different and weird. But I think this might mean more sexuality-wise? I’m an quoiromantic asexual transman with a beard and I’m not afraid to use it.

9. Bright room or dark room? Dark room, every time. Prefer low lights.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Playing Doom and cackling.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? This age, until I’m the next one.

12. Who told you they loved you last? @koto056 by a narrow margin ^^

13. Your worst enemy? Myself, honestly.

14. What is your current desktop picture? Hah, I go to take a screenshot and welp, story time. I have a two-screen setup, one smaller than the other, and the one on the left is uh...when I first came on the internet as a wee artist I didn’t really know/care about tracing/editing other people’s work. I found one I liked of @anndr‘s pieces and edited it without permission, and I have never put it up for people to see because it was a shit thing to do. I keep it as a reminder of not to be a shitheel and because it was done so I could better visualise a character, and I never will either, so yeah. No desktop pic here.

15. Do you like someone? Well, I got two partners, so I assume so.

16. The last song you listened to? Twenty One Pilots - Heathens

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? There are too many people for this one to be answered. ¬¬

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Again, too many people. 

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? Nooooot comfortable with this question (though @koto056 will probably know the first thing that came to mind)

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) I’d say my eyes. I mean

look at this cute motherfucker

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? Loaded question. Honestly, I’d cry and then hide until the day was over.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? I dunno, possibly to be as annoying as humanely possible? Heh, that’s the shitty inner voice talking. I guess the fact I can make people smile no matter what and feel genuinely cared for?

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? I’m not sure I have unique fears. Heights, claustrophobia, arachnophobia, eye stuff, dentists...

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. I’ll make it in a minute.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? Art supplies or straight to bank for MCM monies.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Ireland, maybe Poland, not sure.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? Well, I can’t drink thanks to my pills, so I’d probably just ask for tea as it’s brewed. :3

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Don’t Be A Dick.

29. What is your favorite expletive? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? My computer. That shit cost nearly £2k, I am not letting it burn.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Loaded question there. Honestly, I wouldn’t erase the years of abuse and bullshit because it’d be erasing a fundamental part of my development into this wonderful human being I can stand to be now. But if I could do so without it affecting me? Yeah, that’s a no-brainer.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Ireland 8D

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Yeah, no. I wouldn’t. I mean there’s plenty about the whole ‘gone too soon’ but...no, I wouldn’t.

34. What was your last dream about? Nothing good 8D woo for nightmares and flashbacks huh.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? I dunno, am I?

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Yuuuup. More times than I’d like. Latest was this January after having an internal stitch go necrotic and cause me to lose 2 pints+ of blood.

37. Have you ever built a snowman? Once ^^

38. What is the color of your socks? Bare Naked Beans

39. What type of music do you like? Anything that isn’t obnoxious to my ears, mostly things with good bass/beats as I can hear them a bit better.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Both are just as beautiful.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Banananananananananana.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) Hand Egg and Leg Ball bores me to tears so...none.

43. Do you have any scars? Too many.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? Well, I ain’t in college/uni so...

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? The chronic pain.

46. Are you reliable? Depends on how. In communication/getting shit done? Probably not. In being there when needed? Absolutely.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? Lottery numbers.

48. Do you hold grudges? Nah. Too much energy. I get angry, it burns out, I let it go.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? Snekbirb!

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Holy shit, what sort of question is this? So many holy fuck

51. Are you a good liar? Yup. Incredibly so. At one point I was almost pathological - lying even when I didn’t need to - though now it comes out rarely as embellishing. Means I’m a great storyteller, but I used to be very manipulative/unknowingly gaslighty with it. Thankfully I grew out of it and got better.

52. How long could you go without talking? Hours, really. I sit with the fiancee for a long time without really saying anything other than the odd request for tea. Other than that? Yeah, I talk for days.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? Buzzcut. I don’t suit it.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? Yup, with varying degrees of success XD

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? Plenty.

56. What do you like on your toast? Honey, jam, peanut butter, fish...

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? A wolf! With wings! On fire!

58. What would be you dream car? Chauffeur-driven.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. Sing, talk to myself, act out rps/conversations...

60. Do you believe in aliens? It’s a statistical impossibility that we’re alone, but also very very fucking unlikely we’ll ever be contacted simply through sheer numbers.

61. Do you often read your horoscope? If only to laugh at it/swear at the fact I’m a fucking typical Scorpio yeah...

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? ...Whut. Um. Well. I don’t know? X maybe?

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Oh come on, dragons.

64. What do you think about babies? Nice. Soft. Good smell, unless not. Squidge.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.  No one put in a q for this so...w/e 8D