#I am still applying for “normal” jobs too. They also don't want to pay well but at least they are required by law to pay a minimum wage

[kairiaka]

Building a Portfolio

Somehow, I feel it's gotten harder to make a portfolio than it was a decade (or even two decades) ago.

Besides from potential employers and clients not wishing to pay a fair wage (and convinced that a computer can/should do what artist do), they also want a one-stop-shop kind of artist.

I've pretty much given up on the idea of a traditional/digital art job, but here were some funny things I saw while looking for work this week:

Job Board postings offering to "pay in exposure"... Paying in "exposure"? In 2025?

Job Board postings hosting art contest in the guise of "Show us how you would make the ___". This is so predatory. They're literally getting free work, and they can decide to "do it themselves" without paying anyone.

"This __ will be commercial, so we'll pay you $20 for your time".

[Solution: Employers/Cilents… Just, don't do this. Pay your workers, and don't post jobs like this. And Freelancers/Employees, it is your right as a human being to be pay for your labor. Also -- always state your terms when it comes to Commercial Work and don't be afraid to get it in writing.]

A person was making a webcomic. They hired an artist... and a writer...and an outliner... and a person to run the socials... and a director to keep everyone on track... (It was weird, but-- oh well, it least it looked like it was paying well. )

[This one was actually funny] A cilent who liked my writing style, but couldn't possibly hire me because I had never written about [insert baseline monster here]. I won't put the creature, but just know: whatever you're thinking, it's probably correct. It wasn't a skill issue, it was a matter of fangs. (And yes-- I can write steamy romances when I have to.)

I had a potential employer state in their job description that the Artist needed to have their own website because they, and I quote: "didn't feel like logging in anywhere".

[Costume Commission] I had a potential client discuss a cosplay idea with me (I was going to sew the main garments and props). The budget had been stated prior. When I told them the price, they said: "Oh, it's that much? I could get on AliExpress for $15. Would you be able to do it for $20 so I can buy locally?" Mind you: the cosplay in question was from a very popular mobile game-- one with a lot of cute outfits and accessories, and not-so-cute weapons. The material they wanted would cost way more than $20. Needless to say, I declined.

[Another sewing commission] A client wanted to get something made. We discussed the price, the turnaround time, and the item's specifics. They seemed thrilled that their project was getting off the ground. But when it came time to pay, the client deleted their socials and ghosted me. Strange, but all I lost was about an hour's time.

[Final Sewing Story] Client: "Hey, I want to get this __ made. I want it like this (shows picture), but I want it a little smaller." Me: "Okay, I can make that! What's your budget?" Client: "Well... That depends on you." ... Okay-- peachy! I don't need to respond back then.

So here is my Portfolio To-Do List (semi-sarcastically):

Write Monster Smut

Draw the Entire Pokedex (with some Digimon thrown in for good measure)

Record a Demo Reel

Create a Successful YouTube Channel (Self-Managed)

Work on my Shop -- I think I'm going to start with Ko-Fi for now. It can act as my "no-login-required" portfolio and Commission hub.

[saiwriting]

What Do I Even Want?

by Saiya Soublet

Now that I have been unemployed for a while, I'm ready to get back at it. My brain is refocused and my burn out has dissipated. The only problem is, now I'm not quite sure what I want because what I wanted before no longer appeals to me. I think that one unique way in which my life choices have screwed me over is that my last job spoiled me a bit. It was full time, it was remote, it was paying fairly well, and it gave me very specific skills to use, especially if I waned to go back to the medical field But, here's the problem. Not only did I feel soul-sucked at that job, but I also have zero interest in going anywhere near the medical field again. Problem is, now that I've had this lucrative job, going "backwards" is difficult because I don't want to and they may not even hire me if I seem too "over qualified," and the industries that I actually do want to go into are not necessarily open books for people with a severe lack of skill in that specific industry. Yeah, the job market out here is rough and people weren't exaggerating.

Sometimes I think, should I have quit my job? I would be making more money by now, but that would probably be the only upside. I would still be severely depressed, still be out of school because I would still be burned out and still be wondering if I should just end it all. What came with the sacrifice of leaving my job was the glorious energy of a spiritual rebirth. My soul no longer feels dragged down by the world; I have a newfound energy to make a name for myself and to continue to touch success. However, things just don't seem to be lining up as much as I'd like them to. I want to write. Whether that be in freelance, content creation, starting to understand the ins-and-outs of a publishing house, or to just continue my education again with a tacked-on English degree, I want to write. The problem with the job industry now is that no one is wiling to take chances, and I understand, but how is anyone supposed to gain experience and even interest in fields that are seemingly locked behind paywalls? This has frustrated me to no end.

It's a twofold issue. I am willing to work a part-time job to fund my passions and what I actually want to do. That is realistic and the most normal way to go about this. However, my previous experience with any job that I have, no matter what the job was, was that it took way too much mental energy and did not leave me with enough mental energy to even think about writing or content creating. Therefore, I think I've built up an aversion to doing things that way, whether at my detriment or benefit is being determined to this day. Life does not occur exactly how we want it to; I know this. I know this all too well.

Another thing that I think is unfair is that platforms like UpWork, a way to gain freelancing work and experience, makes you pay for a coin-type system in order to even be able to apply for opportunities. Shit sucks and everything feels like it's rigged because I didn't take the "normal" way of doing anything! I have done so much to grow and evolve as a person and to align myself with opportunities in writing, but it unfortunately feels like because I am not getting what i want out of it, that everything I have done so far is wrong. I know that, realistically (and even a bit unrealistically), there will come a time when the opportunity comes, the money comes, the recognition and progress comes, and so I have to be used to uncomfortability, but God do I hate to be tested. How much more of myself is the Universe telling me that i have to sacrifice in order to get what I want? And, in the process of sacrificing myself, I am realizing things that jumble up what I even want out of this life anymore.

The only things I know are this: I want to lead a quiet life, writing books, creating content online, and sharing myself with the world through various mediums such as music and art. That is what I want. The how and the when and the through whom are all getting muddier and muddier by the day when all of my life I desired clarity. No one tells you that the clarity that comes with doing things that others expect from you is so much more comfortable than the hell I am in right now trying to readjust my eyes to what I want. Where can I find the glasses that will finally help me see what it is I am doing? Right now, I feel as though I am going in circles, and I'm getting dizzier and dizzier and yelling to get off of this ride.

I have no desire to be so compliantly willing to do it anything other than "my way," nor do I have the desire to complain all the time when I write. I want to write about experience, growth, love, and hope. I want to be able to come here and make a blog post about how successful I am and am becoming over time. I wish to be able to tell people that I made it, that I did exactly what I said I wanted to do. Shit is hard when you have barely any backing of help.

What do I want? I want to write. I say it every single time I come up here and transcribe all of my thoughts onto this website. I want to write and writing is the only thing that I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. I have such a huge aversion to the ways in which people settle for unsatisfactory things. Of course, those are needed to grow, but being stuck in a situation or a job or circumstances in which you are feeling drained and diminished, over time, will arrest you of every ounce of expansion you could possibly have. I think that this New Moon in Sagittarius is carrying the energy of that sentiment. While I deeply want to earn money, my desire to earn money is deeply tied with my desire to be successful, and success to me is doing things that I desire to do, even if I don't desire them after a while. In that case, I then will switch gears. Right now, obviously, is a period of time where my entire gear system is being switched out so that things can run much more smoothly in my life, but for now that means I'll have to be out of commission. That is okay.

Oftentimes, I dislike having to stop and wait. It seems as though there are so many options in life right now that can get me a step closer to where I need and want to be, but none of the steps are the final gear in the system to get my train going again for the long haul. There are parts and pieces still waiting to be delivered that I need to move me forward, but I'm at a time in my life where I refuse to substitute them for the cheap, temporary pieces needed to get me to a place where I will simply just be stuck on the side of the road.

Where do I go from here? What do I want? Who do I want to be? If there is no job success by this month, I know that a "job" is not meant for me. How will my life unfold? I don't want the life that I have now in some regards, but not all. Maybe that is resistance. Maybe I should surrender more. But who knows...

(and if you are reading this an know if anything, please so spill the details)

[cassowary-rapture]

Oh. I knew the schools participating in the NC Promise program capped in-state tuition at $500/semester, but apparently they have discounted out-of-state tuition, too ($2,500/semester)!

I don't know if that actually matters since kind of the main thing for me is dental and health insurance for dental work and ADHD treatment. Particularly the latter since I know from experience that I cannot handle college without ADHD medication

But still. Pretty cool!

I don't know. I guess if I really want to do this I could take out loans to cover...housing? Idk. If I could get on medication and get established re: petsitting I wouldn't need it, really. Rent is cheap in/around the closest NC Promise school (Fayetteville). I could get Medicaid and food stamps

Anyway I have decided on accounting. There are more appealing majors but not more appealing careers, really. Partly because I really, really like working from home. I could definitely do that with an accounting degree. Maybe not immediately, but after a year or two. Or immediately? I've been working from home for like a decade so maybe it would be easier for me to find a remote position than other recent grads

Entry-level positions pay ~$50k/year and I'm used to living on $20k/year or less, so while it would be nice to avoid taking out loans, I could pay them off quickly once I got a job

Oh god it's the last day to apply without having to pay a $50 application fee and I'm stuck on the personal statement. Time to go on about how fucking obsessive I am while avoiding actually using the word "obsessive" because that would probably make me sound a bit unhinged lol

Also I guess I'm applying to attend starting in January??? Which is very soon??? But I can't think of a good reason to put it off and that is really enough time. I think

They do have an online program but I am terrible at online classes. Well, the programming class I took was totally fine. I think pre-calc trig might've been fine if it'd been a normal class vs. an accelerated summer semester one. But the other four were really bad

I guess I could try it for spring semester and if it went poorly, I could move to attend in person? I don't know but that would be a bit less drastic than taking out a $20k loan and moving states

But I can't afford healthcare here and I need ADHD medication for this. I guess I could stay here and take out a loan to cover treatment? That would certainly be cheaper

Ugh whatever. I guess I'll put the online program as my first choice, the in-person one as my second and figure it out later

Edit: Done!

[novaknightwritings]

Some negative energy that I can't share in my social circles....

I am going to say right away that what I am typing isn't something that I would say to the person that this happened too, but I need to get this out in same type of way.

So, a few days ago some schadenfreude shit hit my life really good. And yea I am trying to not be to evil about it because yes, this does in fact suck for the person that got hit with it but that is what makes it schadenfreude.

See I had meet this friend in discord in one of the RP games that I had gotten invited to. And we get a talking and knowing each other over playing characters and such as at some point I came out that the reason he was able to post all hours of the day until other people that can't due to work is that he was a work for home person. Now standard answer to that is a pretty much, "Oh cool, I am happy that you got that kind of job where you can do that." at that time because what other things can you do? So any way, it kind of becomes well know that while he says it is in "Sales" and "Costumer Services" he isn't talking ground floor type. Nope, this guy is totally middle management and its shows because he is the person that gets to make the judgement calls in of people can get the major discounts and had to deal with the mistakes. (I also know this because he had mentioned about his normal pay range to me it was about x3 what I was making when I was working two jobs, like it was near three digits.) Cool, everyone needs a job and someones got to do it right? Even if the man has lost all type of idea of what its like dealing with the normal day to day in the floor shit and is in the full "Just give them what they want." mode. Never mind that I know he spends most of his day playing video games all day. Still my salty ass that got to work a phyical job is salty about this shit a little when he all like "Oh I don't have time to come up with plot or do stuff" when I know he is over in the other games. (Really dude, if you want to lie its cool but turn off the thing in discord that tells me what video game you are playing. I figured out that shit while I was RP in one game and raiding in WoW.)

Well, about two years later he got some bad news, as some time this week the company that he has worked with for many years called him into a zoom or video meeting and let him go. Now, yeas, I know that loseing a job that you have had for 12 years is a bitch and with him and the family there is a lot of pressure now for him to find employment. I know this is all really bad shit and I shouldn't be taking a small messure of joy but I also kind of am? Like, this is the dude that told me that if I wanted a real job that I should apply for one of the jobs under him in sales, that I could make good money working from home in a time where bussiness where trying more then ever to get people back into the offices. This is a person that is dropping $50 like every two months for battle passes because he just could. My ass that is sitting over here and knows how close I am sitting at the line of broke and having to do phyical labor for shit is eatting this up. Do I hope that he can quickly get a new job? Hell yes, but part of me also hopes that some of the ego will take a bit of a hit here and that maybe he will understand how good he did have it. Because being mid management tends to do that, and yes, looking up and seeing that some of the shit does hit them does bring my small pawn ass a bit of joy in this world. And if that isn't schadenfreude... well I don't know what would be.

[coffeehazard]

HELLO TUMBLR I AM NEW PERSON

Never have posted here before, but I wanted a place for all my work experiences, be it funny, stressed, terrible, or probably normal!

I hope you guys enjoy the first one: My getting started experience!

So back in 2021, I was finally 16, old enough for some simple low paying jobs for part-timers. I thought I was just going to work nights for a couple of hours after school, but that quickly changed after christmas. However, that will be a story for another time.

When I started my job search, I quickly ruled out 3 places, gas stations, mcdonalds, and seasonal hires. (Since I started at the beginning of a new school year, seasonals were out of the question.) So I applied at every restaurant in town, even one of our grocery stores. For a total of, I believe, 18 rejections. Taco Bell was our last place(I was also rejected from Mcdonalds but considered after I was hired for TB). Now Taco Bell had an amazing old man of a manager. He had some kids of his own, and our big boss(his boss) was also super nice and would buy us stuff for some holidays!

Now, at the time of job searching and hiring, I had no idea I had autism. I had been diagnosed early on with ADHD since our dad also has ADD and ADHD. Autism wasn't really on our radar since we didn't know of the varying kinds of Autism. I am a very functioning adult now, and we didn't know of the setbacks not knowing I was autistic was gonna cause.

Before we get too deep, I just wanna say if I repeat too much, it's because this is a loooong story, and I'm trying not to share too much. CARRY ON!

For Taco Bell, I had no resume, but I did have a slip of paper of one of my recommendations from a family friend. (And also other information I forgot about) I was mostly hired as a shot in the dark and turned out to be one of their best employee's. I had worked there for a little over a year before getting a new job for some different experience. Now, with TB I was talked through and shown how to do stuff multiple times to get it in my head so I was mostly independant as I could pick up a skill pretty fast(some I have kept with me all this time).

I was taught how to tie knots in bags with no drawstrings, with one hand. I was taught how to use the headsets in almost every drive through as well as how to use the registers. I also got some food experience that I still have, was never able to use. I was quickly made fun of by some other coworkers and shift leads for being "OCD" (Which I am not, I just like being somewhat organized so on days I don't feel like it I can feel better I did it another day). I was often yelled at for "not listening," which wasn't my fault it was either hard to hear because I can't block out background noise or they were talking too quietly or too loudly.

I had been written up for being "insubordinate" when I was explaining to a manager what a waste of time it would be to mop the floors within 10 minutes of me leaving for the night because I couldn't stay later. That same manager was the worst to me and would single me out and instead of giving me positive reinforcement(which is what I need to continue doing a good job) she would constantly say I need to be better, faster, if (someone who has been there longer than me and cheats around his job) can do it faster I can do it faster. I got so pressed for time that I spilled a whole mop bucket with dirty water across the floor and had to clean it up before someone slipped, so it took me 30 minutes of doing that.

My managers were constantly bickering over me and how I do my job, the store manager would be calling our "mother"(grandmom) to ask why I do something or why I can't do something. I went home crying half the year I worked there because I hated that one manager because she was so contradicting of herself, doing what she was trained to do and not what we were trained to do. Expected of us stuff we did not know about until halfway through the year of working there. I was so torn up about leaving that job early on but decided not to because of one manager. She did end up moving to another store because of her treatment towards who she worked with. Favorites and all.

Anyways that's all for now! Harley clockin' out!

[rooigseix]

First of all, thank you @moonlit-mystery-writer for putting in your opinion.

Well, the matter here is we rate how hard of "chores" is possible, and my answer is: Chores like cooking and cleaning is not hard, and yes people who lives alone like Gokudera will definitely need it for lifes.

HOWEVER.

Even when the skill for chore IS NOT HARD, the time we need to put in for those skill to be okay IS STILL A LOT. You can't be Master Chief in a few time you fried perfectly an eggs, cooking needs time and training to make completely and good dishes, and well in this case "different dishes" because eating the same food day by day gonna makes people sick of the flavour.

Same to laundry. It takes time to remember what laundry detergent is this, what needs to washed by hand, what can washed by machine, cold or warm water for this clothes, ect... It's also a skill, and sure of course we can just toss all of clothes into the washing machine, but still it is a skill that takes time to be master of.

Now come back to the Future arc.

The girls DO have trouble the first time preparing the food:

They are obviously better than the boys regarding cooking, and yes in one single moment of not paying attention, their work is charcoal.

Even they also can NOT control the whole kitchen situation all the time if they don't put their mind into it.

Now back to the boys. Yamamoto is shown that he, in fact, can cook:

And this is the mess happening after the girls boycotts:

Okay, even though this is treats as a gag moment, I do view this scene, together with that scene above, as such: the boy CAN do chores. They can cook (sushi, instant ramen) and at least they know to put clothes in the washing machine and put detergent into it for the laundry. (Well a little too much detergent, but yeah they get the basic logic)

No, this is not a good thing that they are so clumsy. I don't think so. Heck, learn to cook at least. I view this skill with very high regard because this is a surviving skill, you can live with dirty clothes but no food means you die. But well, in this Future arc at least, I view this as the boy CAN do chores but they DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO BE GOOD AT IT.

I am sure with instruction and time they would be good at chores too. Like Yamamoto grows up in a sushi stores and he knows how to make sushi. (HxH gonna slaps anyone who say making rice with raw fish is easy :))) so yeah to make sushi good you also have to put a lot of effort) But back to the point, it all comes down to the boy does NOT have the time. They are tired (there is scene of them literally passed out on the table after training) and they don't have the skill, of course it's natural for them to resort to instant ramen which, almost has no nutrition at all. In the boycott chapter, Kyoko and Haru's worry is words by words, "whether they have enough nutrition". They don't comment on how the boy is scraping by because of course instant food can get you by. But this is a war, the normal standard of "getting day by" can't be applied into the situation anymore, the soldier needs their food. (Side note, I will put my bet on Gokudera scraping by day with instant food. This boy got school and part time jobs. He lives alone but more like an adult being squeezed by daily life living alone. Again with school and jobs, the thing you want to do when going home is to lying in bed, not cooking. Again you can get day by with instant food but not in war day)

This is the same with the scenario of what if "the girls are trained to be combatants". Of course they can be good combatants, the impossible here is they are trained to be competent ENOUGH to fight against their enemy IN A VERY SHORT TIME. It takes A LOT OF TIME, or well, shortcut like natural talent (Yamamoto) or a lot of bullet in the head (Tsuna). Both Gokudera and Ryohei have been fighting their whole life, Gokudera has his time on the street while Ryohei is the boxing club captain. In short, even with people who already have battle experience and even talent still struggling to be stronger, imagine training people with no battle experience or weapon using whatsoever like Kyoko and Haru and how long it would take, when time is the thing none of the children have here.

I always emphasis on "they do what they can do" because that exactly what is happening. The girls can do chores and can't fight (to an okay level). The boy can fight and they can't do chores (again at an okay level). Can the girl be good at fighting and the boy be good at chores? Yes, I do think they absolutely can. But do they canonically have the time to do that? No, Millifiore is trying to chop off their heads out there.

So yes Kyoko and Haru's role is never a misogynist scene to me because to me this is children trying their best to survive in a war and they put in all they can offer. Honestly the one should be taken as an example of misogynist mindset is Bianchi because she lacks fighting screentime as hell, I agree. Bianchi is the right example of girl "being reduced" to support, because she can do more than just support and we barely see her "more". But again one more time most of the fandom focus on a completely wrong target.

My original post is a regard to those people: let supporter be supporter. I am tired of people think it is problematic/misogynist that Kyoko and Haru do the chores. I am tired of people keeps saying "Let the girls fight" and call those girls useless because they can't fight. I raise the flag and waving the "the boy gonna death due to lack of nutrition combined with intensive training before facing Byakuran if not for the girls". Support is as much important as the front line fighter in any war. KHR has a lot of problems but Kyoko and Haru cooking and doing laundry in the future arc IS NOT one of them.

I can never find myself see the same perspective with the khr fandom of how the girls' role in the future arc is supposed to be misogynist.

Like, what's wrong with doing chores? What wrong with providing basic necessities like food and clean clothes? What's wrong with "We do our part so you boys can go fight in the battlefield"? What's wrong BEING THE SUPPORT IN THE REAR? Asking any generals from any countries out there, how important the rear detachment of supplying contribute to the overall win. Actually no, just reread the arc again and see how a mess it is after the girl boycotts.

And Kyoko and Haru are civilians. They don't go through Kokuyo arc. They don't go through the Ring Battle. They have zero battle experience. They are not reduced to the "housework", that implies they can do something else other than the housework. No, the housework is the ONLY thing they can do. Can they fight like Tsuna? No. (And remember at the strength level of Tsuna he still has fucking hell time with this battle) Can they activate their flame? No. Can they maintain or fix the weapon? No. What they can do is providing everyone with food so they have energy to be stronger to fight in this battle. If they are pushed to the fight with Millifiore their fate would be an absolute death. So really, forcing Kyoko and Haru to fight and it would result in: 1) their death or 2) the boys defending them which would lead to more burden onto the boys. (Bonus to this, stop dreaming of the girls being badass kicking ass. Natural born hitman like Yamamoto and monster like Hibari still have to train like hell to fight with the Millifiore. How many years would it take for Kyoko and Haru to reach 1/10 of their power? There is absolutely no way for them to be like hella fucking strong fighters in mere few days so they can stand side by side with Tsuna's gang on this)

Tl;dr:

1) Asking the girl to fight in the future arc is a hella impossible task.

2) They are doing what they can do. Underestimating their supporting role is an insult to every rear detachment workers in general and provisions department people in specific.

3) Underestimating their roles in the future arc because they do chores, the only thing they can do, and telling they have to fight in the front line aka something they can't do, is actually a mysogynist mindset itself. Also sum up as "if a female character can't fight and they can only support then they are fucking useless."

And finally: let supporter be supporter people. If you write an alternative universe when Kyoko and Haru being absolute monster from the very beginning, sure, do whatever you want with their role in the future arc. But let them be supporters in canon. There is nothing wrong with them being supporter, they are doing their best.

[thejosh1980]

Get a hair cut and get a real job...

Well, it finally happened... My life has progressed from student, to worker, to musician, to student, to worker ... I now have what, as a musician, I'd call a 9 to 5, the daily grind, a normal job, that thing the folks in the crowd do when they're not at my concerts!

It's been an unusual journey, at least it feels that way. I realise now, I was actually quite comfortable as a touring musician in Europe. I had steady work, especially in those last few years, I knew what I was doing, I was confident and I had a hell of a lot of fun; good bands, good venues, good fans and good money. I was writing songs and I had my own studio too.

I was set...

The transition to working in Australia has brought about a lot of challenges and lessons learned. I know I fell into an awesome artistic opportunity when I worked on Elvis, and then did a few more TV shows (well, the stuff that ended up on Netflix). But that was different than a “real” job. It was fun, casual, challenging and super interesting too. I was surrounded by pros doing their jobs, actors doing their acting or supporting actors, like myself, waiting for the director to holler “cut!” As Baz said “film is forever”. It was and still is a big deal to me.

I am on the big screen! 

But the new job, being part of the Australian workforce day in day out, is a real challenge. 

I don't work 9 to 5, I don't have an office, I drive a lot, I am outside in any weather, I have homework, I work shifts which chop and change every other day... and after all that, I get a pay check that doesn't quite resemble my sense of self worth.

Since starting the job, I've been on edge all the time, I don't mean in the sense I'm scared something might happen to me or my client, but that I am responsible for someone else's welfare while they are in my care. It's a constant thing, in the background, under the surface. 

When I'm finally home trying to relax, I worry about the shifts the next day, did my manager change them and forget to tell me? How will the client feel tomorrow? Am I up to the task? Did I miss any emails today? 

When I finished the course, I wasn't quite sure about what I want to do, and I applied to various vacancies that tickled my fancy. Although possible, I wasn't confident enough to go out on my own as a counsellor. I felt I needed more experience first, and it also felt a bit like being a musician, I'd be constantly hustling for work, or at the very least it would be up to me to find the work, to obtain clients, and network with other professionals. After all the energy it took to study, I wanted something a little easier to slip into, especially because this was a big career change.

Oh boy, was I wrong about it being easy...

When I got the interview, nailed it and then the job offer, that was the easy part.

I am a community support worker. It's a job whereby I support clients, with various mental health concerns, getting out into the world. I help them reach their goals, I support them with any reasonable request, or something they agree to that I or someone else might suggest. Sometimes I am just helping out deleting emails off a phone, sometimes I am booking doctor appointments or arranging scripts and sometimes I am just someone to chat to, play a game with, or take a walk with. The job is constant, spontaneous and intense.

The company I work for is big, and is in a big transitional stage at the moment, there's new management and new processes, policies and procedures. It's very daunting, because the last time I worked in Australia this much, was back in 2002! In fact I started the new job almost 20 years to the day I left my old one in Melbourne! There's so many rules and things I was not aware of, I'm learning on many fronts, the industry, the company, the client, mental health and, funnily enough, myself. 

Honestly, I am finding it hard to adjust to this new life style, it's very energy sucking.

There's management, and how to work alongside them, and the clients who for the most part are lovely folks that are in need of support. There's the whole community services industry which to me is a big complicated mess. I am used to being in a band, with 3 or 4 guys in a van, it's a big adjustment. 

I'm still learning how to do all of that, and how to take care of myself in a job that one can quite easily burn out in. I'm learning I need days off, I need some time to sleep, relax, do the things I enjoy, and enjoy the company of friends and family. I'm still battling that challenge each day, I feel like I can't switch off and there are not enough hours in the day. 

I am learning what I don't like about working too. I haven't done this kind of work before, and it's been really good to know what I want going forward. I may stay in this role for a while, the experience is good, but I will eventually move on, find something more suitable to my needs, and I have narrowed down some future expectations.

I feel that I need regular hours, or at the very least, when my hours are set, they don't move. I've had many shifts chop and change from one day to the next, throwing me way off course. It's a lot to adjust to for someone who likes the safety net of knowing what's coming up. My roster is constantly changing, some days I can adjust a bit quicker than others, some days I just long for a clear plan.

I also know, in the end, I'd like a job that is closer to home. I am driving 100s ks each month getting to clients, and it is wearing me out. I am not paid for that time on the road, I am not compensated, and my time is precious, I'm not getting any younger. It's lonely work too, and while I can work really well on my own, I wouldn't mind colleagues to bounce ideas off. 

I am also trying to get used to having a manager. I have tried to be as available as I can, as flexible as I can, as open and honest and as supportive as I can. Sometimes this approach has worked well, but sometimes I feel I am not trusted. In fact, there have been a few sticking points that I may move past, but it has taught me that having a good manager I can trust is really really important. I will make sure at my next interview that I am confident the manager is someone I wanna work for/with long term.

I am enjoying the challenges of working with clients. It's interesting how each client is individual, and that each shift can offer a large spectrum of behaviours, responses and support (that I am required to offer). This kind of spontaneity I can handle pretty good too. Each week, I am learning as much about them as I am about myself, we all have good and bad days, we all have only so much energy, and our needs change all the time. 

During the first few weeks of this job, I was thrown in the deep end. I had a client before I even did basic training! My manager at the time asked me if it was OK and I felt that saying no would only increase my anxiety for the next first client. Client #1 knew what he was doing and I was honest and asked him for guidance, and he was gentle with me. It was a good beginning, but since that first shift I am recognising I am sometimes drowning in the unknown and in anxiety. As fulfilling as this role is, this position tests your limits on various fronts.

I finally did a “buddy” shift months after starting, it's a shift where some experienced helps show you the ropes. By the time it happened, it was more a handover, as my “buddy” was leaving the company and had some high needs clients, management thought it was a good idea for me to be introduced to these clients. During those shifts I learnt one could relax on the job, my “buddy” was a very chill guy, who didn't seem to let anything get to him. The difference could be that he'd been in the job for a couple years and just got very comfortable in the role, but I had in the back of my mind that if I am not focused on the client, their needs, goals and requests, I am not actually doing my job. While silence and sitting still is part of the work, I don't feel that it's the focus of my work. I still haven't decided if I am over thinking it, if I am wearing my “counsellor” hat too tightly or if I am just not that sort of person who relaxes on the job. 

Only time will tell... 

In the end, I am happy to work, to learn, to find out what I like and don't like about this industry, the direction my next steps may be and how the other half live, that is those who are really struggling with every day life due to mental health illnesses. 

I struggle each day, and I don't acknowledge that enough. I write about it sometimes but I feel it every day, win, lose or draw. Getting my head off the pillow can be a real struggle. I make it look easy, but sometimes it's downright heavy man.

I felt it terribly earlier this week, and all I wanted was to stay in bed. But I had a shift, I had a client, I had someone who has had a rough time and who needed my help... So I got out of bed and helped him. In the end we had a good day, he made me laugh, I got him to laugh and we even worked on some of his goals. It was a good day...

Then I went home, and curled up in bed... 

Thanks for reading

Josh

[ssamie]

epilogue. “your girlfriend’s kinda hot”

kozume kenma x fem dazai!reader

(bsd x hq)

tw: mentions of suicide and suggestive themes + dirty jokes

masterlist.          suicide freak!

"hey uh, welcome to my stream i guess" he said as he spared the camera a quick glance "im not really playing tonight because an incident has recently occurred in this household" kenma said with a tired sigh 

nobody else knew it, but the said 'incident' was y/n accidentally setting half of their living room on fire 

the reason? apparently, she wanted to try burning herself to death in the furnace. obviously, it didn't work. and all that's left from that is more shit for kenma to clean up and a trip to yosano-san. 

kenma is stressed. and y/n is still alive. both of them are facing problems. 

"can you please wear a maid outfit- no."

kenma shook his head as he continued playing, glancing at the chat once in a while to read the veiwers' questions and comments

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: how about cat ears?! 

user: ^^ cATBOY CATBOY CATBOY 

user: u suck at this game wtf

kuroo.tetsu: hey kenma ;) 

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"first of all, i do not suck at minecraft thank you very much" kenma scoffed 

"second of all, go away kuroo. im still mad at you" 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: LMFAOOO kuroo what did u do?? 💀💀

user: he probably broke kenma's pc 

user: PLSS he's the one kenma’s throwing shade at on twitter 

kuroo.tetsu: STOP THE SLANDER 😔✋🏼

user: rooster head lookin ass 

user: ^^ NOT THE HAIR 

kuroo.testsu: 😃😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma sighed as he continued building a cute little cottage. he was currently vibing, just building y/n a cute cottage for her to probably burn later on. 

and he decided it would be nice to go on stream since his oh-so-lovely girlfriend was still out for work. 

ah yes, kenma has somehow kept y/n alive all those years. 

barely. 

hence why his phone was being bombarded with messages from her, all of which being blurry selfies. 

the photos had her sporting a huge grin while atsushi panicked in the background. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: ayo, ur phone's blowing up 

user: do you have a girlfriend? 

user: KODZUKEN LET ME SUCK UR TOES 😋😋🤩

user: ^ ayo chill 😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma simply ignored them and continued on with his task. all was going well until a loud slam was heard. his cat-like eyes widened as he heard a familiar voice singing from downstairs, it was undoubtedly y/n. 

kenma chuckled nervously and muted his mic. 

but of course, cute dumb catboy didn't actually mute his mic. haha <3

he ignored all the questions in the chat, all of them being  speculations that he has a girlfriend. which he does, but they simply did not need to know that <3

"kenma~" she yelled out "i have a surprise for you!!" she said, followed by menacing giggles. 

kenma glanced at the camera before hopping off his gaming chair and peeking his head out of the door. 

"y/n, im streaming!! stay down there!" he yelled out in panic 

"aw, you're playing hard to get aren't ya?" she chuckled 

kenma deadpanned as he saw her limping up the stairs, with her bandages torn and unravelled, same with her clothes. he didn't really think much of it since this is usually how she comes home. 

its most likely just due to work and/or another suicide attempt.

"so, kenma.. you'll never know what just happened to me today" she started off with a goofy grin 

"im streaming, atleast let me turn it off first-" 

she paid no mind to him as she peeled off her ruined coat and pointed to her poorly bandaged stomach

"i got stabbed!" 

"you got what?!"

kenma furrowed his brows as he immediately rushed over to his side, cradling her face and waist as he inspected her injuries

"are you okay, kitten?" he asked worriedly 

"yep, apparently it wasnt deep enough to be fatal" she sighed dejectedly 

"please don't be sad about that." kenma groaned "can you undress?" 

"ara ara~ whats this?" she cooed "you're getting real bold, kenma" she smirked at him 

she unbuttoned her shirt and started pulling down on her skirt "but since you asked so nicely-" 

kenma simply sighed and shook his head. "i was gonna prepare you a bath but now im considering leaving you here to die" 

"but the second option would've been better though" she smiled at him 

"oh my fucking god." 

kozume kenma. (22)

╰─▸ university student, stock trader, pro-gamer, youtuber, ceo of bouncing ball lpt. 

╰─▸ y/n's struggling boyfriend. definitely needs a pay after all he's been through.

╰─▸ currently panicking because his girlfriend got stabbed.

l/n y/n. (22)

╰─▸ operative/member of the armed detective agency. 

╰─▸ kenma's girlfriend. kinda dumb, very hot to compensate for it. still hasn't died yet. 

╰─▸ currently bleeding and wounded. also hoping for severe blood loss.

"kenma, did you know" she mused in a teasing tone "lack of sleep and too much stress could possibly lead to poor memory and lack of awareness" 

kenma looked up at her with a look of confusion. he was currently kneeled down before her while she was sat on the bed as he cleaned her wound up with a damp towel. 

"why are you telling me this?" he asked 

"i just thought it probably applied to you" she snickered 

"why? i didnt forget anything-" 

he cut himself off with a huge intake of air. he slowly turned his head to look at the screen which still had his stream going on. to make it worse, the camera was on and they were both clearly in the camera's field of view. 

to make things worse worse, his mic was on the whole time and the live chat was in shambles. 

"i hate it here" he sighed 

kenma laid his head on her lap as he continued on patching her up, honestly not caring that this whole scene was being recorded for thousands or millions of people to see. 

"well, atleast the internet could finally see my beauty before i die" she laughed 

she ran her fingers through kenma's hair as he grumbled under his breath. kenma was a pretty private person. he made sure not to overshare, given his current 'influencer' status. and he was planning on keeping his relationship a secret, though it seems he can't do that anymore. 

"might as well say hi" she shrugged 

so of course, she then decided to walk up to the camera looking utterly dishevelled and roughed up. 

for context, the newly wrapped bandages around her stomach was being stained already by a crimson red hue and it was only getting worse the more she moved, undoubtedly messing up her wound. 

"hi, im kenma's girlfriend and if i see you flirting with him i will make you regret it" she grinned 

"y/n!" kenma groaned from the bed "you're close to dying right now, turn the stream off" 

ignoring him, she proceeded to read the veiwers' comments, laughing at some of them while she joked around. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: heLLO?!?! 

user: GE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOOO

user: bruh, did i just hear that right? were you fuckin stabbed? 

user: ur kinda hot tho

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma furrowed his brows as he reluctantly walked up behind her, reading the comments with varying reactions 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: well damn, hot bloody girl comes in and suddenly im lesbian

user: kenma looks so done

kuroo.tetsu: hi y/n ;) 

user: HER NAME IS Y/N

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"jesus christ shut up, kuroo" kenma grumbled out with a sigh 

"yup! yup! im y/n, and no, i am not a criminal. i swear." she shook her head 

"i got an injury from my job, that's all." she cleared up 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: tangina nyo sana ol

user: MSKAKAKKA

user: THIS IS LOWKEY ICONIC

user: time to scratch another gamer boy off my possible bf list 😔

user: girl wtf happened to u

user: that's wack bro 🚶‍♀️

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"great question, random person from the internet!" she beamed "see, what happened was.." 

"i went on a certain mission and got severely injured. though, when i called for help nobody responded" she said 

kenma furrowed his brows at her words. "why didn't anybody respond?" he asked. she sighed and fiddled with her torn bandages, pouting her lips as she does so. 

"well, when i told them that i was finally on death's door, all they said to me was 'congratulations!' and all that.." she said "what's your take on that, hm?" she asked kenma 

"im not surprised" he said 

she grinned at his words and leaned in for a kiss. "you're so mean to me, kenma~" she whined 

she licked her lips as she held his blushing face in her hands, she nuzzled their noses as she leaned in closer to him. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

kuroo.tetsu: oh shit 😳

user: we all know where this is heading ;) 

user: sana ol talaga punyemas 

user: AYO CHILL 

user: why we goin so fuckin fasstttt 😳

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma hastily turned the camera off as soon as y/n's lips touched his. 

"kitten, were still- hmph-" 

he was only silenced as she slipped her tongue in his mouth, smirking lightly as she ran her fingers through his hair 

"thanks babe." she said as she pulled away, giving him a soft peck on his cheek and a nod "anyways.." she hummed as she turned the camera on once again 

she looked through the chat while kenma slaps his face to get rid of his blush. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: ur fuckin freaky 

kuroo.tetsu: oya oya 😼😼

user: MS MAAM I JUST MET U AND I LOVE U ALREADY WJABSJSJJS

user: not me blushing chiiilllleeeeee 🏃‍♀️

user: KENMA IS FLUSTERED

kuroo.tetsu: kenma, i didnt expect this from u 😼

user: im so fucking JEALOUS GRR😡

user: girl r u bleeding rn 😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

upon reading a certain comment, she subconsciously grazed her fingers against her bandaged wound. her eyes slightly widening as she felt a concerning amount of wetness seeping through

she glanced at kenma who was still calming himself down and inspected her wound 

"oh my.." she muttered, though she couldn't help but let a smile slip through 

so like any normal person would do, she simply ignored her bleeding wound and the fact that she was getting a bit lightheaded. haha <3

"anyways, let's answer some questions!" she beamed 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: what's ur full name

user: what's ur job miss girl 

user: are you possibly looking for a gf, because i am more 

than willing to take the spot 🚶‍♀️

user: how did you meet?? 

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"alright, those are all very nice questions" she chuckled. kenma, who's now calmed down, sat down beside her to look at the chat. 

"first, im l/n y/n" she mused "nice to meet ya" 

"second im a detective! mhm, im cooler than your fathers" 

"third, it depends, belladonna" she cooed as she sent the camera flirty smirk "are you perhaps willing to join me in a double suicide?" 

"oh god.." kenma grumbled. he pouted at her and shook his head in disapproval. "don't flirt with random girls" he whined 

"why not?" 

"uh- because i am your beloved boyfriend, is that not good enough of a reason??" 

"... anyways, we met at a cafe way back in high school" she said with a smile "also, i asked him to join me on a double suicide" she said 

she was smiling and nodding as if it was the most normal thing in the world, all while kenma nods along 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: wtf are u okay 🗿

kuroo.tetsu: teenage romance 🤩

user: cute ❤️

user: im concerned ❤️

user: ur a detective?? cool

user: LMAOO I'LL GO ON A DOUBLE SEWER SLIDE 

WITH U MOMMY 😩😩😋

user: ^^ SAME 😩

user: CHOKE ME WITH THOSE BANDAGES MOMMAE 😩

user: u r still bleeding 🚶‍♀️        

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma was simply glaring at the chat as more compliments and flirtatious comments came flowing in, all of which were directed to his girlfriend. 

"this is why i didn't wanna let people know about you.." kenma grumbled 

"aww, why not?" she asked with a playful pout 

"people are flirting with you." he sighed "also, stop asking for my girlfriend's onlyfans! she doesn't even have one!" he snarled

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: LMAOO CATBOY IS ANGRY 😩

user: y/n-senpai spit on me 😡😡

user: drop the onlyfans 

user: chupapi munyanyo 😩

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"anyways, i'd hate to ruin the mood" she chimed in with a sluggish giggle "but im so wet kenma" she whined out 

a menacing smirk was etched on her lips as kenma spluttered in response, a bright red hue covering his face almost instantly as he faced her with widened eyes 

"y-y/n! why would you say that?!" he whisper shouted 

"cuz i am" she whined out as she grabbed his hand and trailed it down her abdomen 

she faced the camera and gave them a shit-eating grin as kenma mumbled out incoherent words 

"y/n we should-" he cut himself off as he felt the concerning amount of blood drip down his whole arm 

kenma's face paled as he looked up to see her smiling like a kid in a candy store, completely unbothered. 

"y/n, you idiot! why didn't you tell me!" kenma exclaimed 

"um- my girlfriend is bleeding. excessively. so uh- bye i guess" it was all he said before hastily ending his stream and turning off his computer. 

"y/n, let's get you to a hospital" he said as he reached down to carry her away. though she simply slapped his hands off and closed her eyes. 

"nope. this is my time, kenma. don't ruin it for me" she said 

"you're fucking dying!!" 

"well, would you like to join me?" 

"no"

"damn." she muttered in response 

"so...wanna fuck?" she asked sheepishly 

"for the love of god-" 

this was so messy :/

[enchantinglisa]

I just want to know when does the suffering end?

All my life I have been abused by my family. Bullied in Primary School. Bullied in High School. Bullied in University. I literally had no one. Grew up with only my mothers side of the family. Didn't know my father till I was in university, even then he barely speaks to me. I have worked harder than any of my family members to get away from them. I was able to get a scholarship paying for my university fees. I volunteered most of my days in University, as I did not want to be in my Resident building because of all the bullying. I was working and studying and contiuing volunteering throughout my first qualification. I then graduated and took the money I had saved to rent a place by myself so I could finally have peace in the place I live. In the job I had after university the owner of the company tried to get something sexual with me and I refused and lost the job. Got another job but it was all the way across the country. Used the money I still had to pay for moving etc. The man tries the same thing with me. I then go back to the city where I was staying before moving to try figure things out. Ended up having to stay at my aunt (who is as bad as my mother) because I ran out of money. While staying at my aunts place I was working in a learnership and also started studying my second qualification at university. So I had to do my learnership qualification + university qualification + going to a 9-5 (bare in mind still earning a stipend as it is a learnership). With all that and my aunt treating me badly while staying with her. Her husband ended up touching me inappropriately then I moved to stay in a different area. Then Covid happened. The company I was at would keep people on learnerships for years not hiring them, even up to 6 years. I was applying for other jobs but had to stay in that learnership for 3 years. I had to then move back to my mother as I couldn't pay for accommodation or anything because of all this. So I am back at the place I have been trying to escape, still being abused. I had to deal with depression since University and it got worse early 2021 as I started thinking about and planning to unalive myself as I don't want to do this anymore. I have no happy memories, I am tired and I really don't see when I will actually get to a place where I will enjoy my life. I have to constantly live in fear that my mother will come to my room and get on me for the smallest thing. My cousin has been living with us and she told me how she did not eat for over a week because my mom went off on her for eating 'too much' and she has been eating a normal amount my brother eats the most. And for her to treat my brother better than me and my cousin as 'he is a boy'. That is her reason for the difference in treatment. Never mind how she always wants to tell me and my cousin what is wrong with ourselves, our bodies and how we need to be better. Or how me and my cousin have to do everything in the house and be the best. While my brother gets to do nothing and be mediore as well and be praised for it. My mom had me when she was 19 and I wish she had just aborted me. My father left her for someone else. She then met my step father who is my brothers father and he died sometime ago. I had told my other family members about this how I am treated but either they don't believe or they don't care. I thought about making my own 13 reasons why and writing in detail about each specific one, but I would actually end up having over 26 reasons why.

[meichenxi]

Hi!! I'm a college student about to graduate and my dream is to teach English in China and I was wondering if you could somehow help me and give me some advice. I have been studying Chinese during my years at university (and I love your blog!), along with my physics degree. I don't know if any of this is relevant but my level of Mandarin is not very high (HSK3), I study in the UK and I'm planning to get a TEFL 120 hour certification in June. Is this a solid plan? Love your blog, Isa

Hiii! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I have my final exams at the moment and am on semi-hiatus. First, what an amazing dream!! You'll have a wonderful time :D

SO in general having a degree not in English language and a TEFL certificate is most definitely enough to secure you a job, but at the moment it is a rather 'special period', as every job advert says, and so finding a job is a little trickier because of visa problems.

Basically, there are no work or study visas available at the moment for people from the UK. The only people who can get into China are those who the Chinese Embassy deems 'foreign experts' and therefore 'crucial to China's progress', and your company or school will have to provide something called a PU letter. This grants you the ability to actually apply for the work visa, though itself doesn't grant it. At the moment there aren't that many companies available who can offer that.

Because of this, I'd recommend going through a recruitment company. I do not necessarily mean a graduate scheme (the ones advertised as such are not very well paid and you don't have much control over where you go), but a recruitment company. You can find these on any general site if you google 'ESL jobs China'.

In terms of actual jobs - generally speaking there are three categories, private language schools, state schools, and international schools. International schools are by far the best in terms of packages, but they rarely take graduates without 3 years of teaching experience. The good news is that if you do find somebody who is looking for recent grads (if you go to a particularly prestigious university like Oxbridge, for instance), you might be able to teach Physics or Science rather than English language. International schools will also be the easiest to deal with in terms of communication and visa applications, but the competition is quite stiff, and most people who apply will be teachers in their home countries already.

State schools are another good option if you want 'normal' teaching hours, good holidays, and older children. The position I have next year is in a good state school that has two programs, the Canadian curriculum and the GaoKao (the Chinese university entrance exam). The main disadvantage is that you may be the only foreigner in the school, and communication might be difficult. I don't just mean with Chinese but in general: you will be not told things, you will be excluded, you will turn up to your class and find someone else teaching it and be told just to go back to your office. If you can be flexible and have an open mind, state schools are great, but they may be quite exhausting especially if this is your first time in China. You will also have to teach to exams, and the curriculum might be tight. For me personally though, I would much rather teach in a state school than the next option -

Which is private language schools. These are very good - sometimes. This is the main problem: the quality of the schools, the teaching, and the ethos all vary from school to school. You may be teaching very young children, and you may be teaching exclusively in the evening. The schools may be very supportive of creativity in the classroom, or you may be literally forced to teach the flashcards they give you. The plus about these schools is that they often have competitive relocation packages, are not too bothered about how experienced (or not) you are, and that there will be a community of other English speaking colleagues (natives and not) to help you integrate.

The reason I add this is that it's so, so important. It's very laudable and easy to wish for immersion and want to make Chinese friends - and you should!! - but living in another country without easy access to internet you are used to can be exhausting at times and even the staunchest believer in immersion is going to be stressed and tired and teary far from home. Having colleagues who want to improve their English can also be a good basis for a (somewhat awkward at first) friendship.

Some general tips: brush up on your English grammar. Seriously. Because the amount of teachers who have no idea and bluff their way through it is shocking and disrespects those who try very hard to make it a proper profession. Also having students ask you when you use the present perfect continuous and the present perfect simple and not knowing the answer is a very special kind of pain!! I'd recommend bringing a reputable grammar book with you, and using it when making your lesson plans.

Re Chinese: if you already have a little, your Chinese will improve so much when you're there!! Don't stress about it because China is a wonderful environment for learning - it's literally perfect, few people speak English and EVERYBODY wants to speak to you as many people are direct and very curious - but at the same time, the more you can learn, the easier it will be. Don't neglect your characters!! Learning useful menu characters and signs will be hugely helpful too. You won't need Chinese in your job really, but you definitely will in your daily life, so well done for learning and keep at it!!

The other thing I would say is: sort out your music and your social media and your banking before going to China. This includes a good VPN. You can't download apps on the google App Store, and to make the transition to the Chinese internet easier, I'd recommend getting a Weibo account, any music app, Baidu translate and maps and so on, and accustoming yourself to that before going.

Re where you are going and the package: you should have your flight paid, help with your visa, and transparency about quarantine procedures. You should also have accommodation or an accommodation allowance of between 2000-5000 (2000 is more than fine). Public or international schools may pay for your food during school-time as well. Re cities: prioritise what is important to you. If you want to save, bear in mind that China is extraordinarily cheap and that even in places like Shanghai, you can still save a lot if you live somewhat sensibly. To give you some context: I lived in Tianjin, a second-tier city, and I got 'pocket money' of 2000 every month (with accommodation and food paid), and I managed to save enough to do martial arts for a month at an academy after 5 months. And I was living well - going out about twice a week, taking taxis, eating out almost every evening (cheap food). So don't prioritise one position over another solely because of money, and also bear in mind kindergarten teachers may only be getting about 2000-3000 a month - so regardless of whether you earn 10,000 or 15,000, it's a) SIGNIFICANTLY enough to live very well and save very well too, and b) considerably more than many of your coworkers will be earning.

Also, different cities have different costs of living: 10,000 somewhere like Hangzhou will go considerably further than 16,000 in Shanghai. Another thing to bear in mind is the air quality, and the environment, and the access to green spaces. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THIS. If this is important to you, go somewhere smaller or in the south with access to nature - I nearly went crazy living in such a big city with such poor air quality. The positions I had to choose between were one in Shanghai, better paid and at a better school, and a position in Zhuhai in a campus in the mountains, in a third-tier city by the sea. I know now how important green is to me, how much I prefer a more relaxed pace of life, and so I chose the latter.

Lastly, don't be intimidating and don't be afraid to ask questions about your job. Make sure that everything they say is in the contract, in both the English version and the Chinese version. This is important because only the Chinese version is legal, so if you have a friend, get them to check that the same stuff is in each bit of the contract. Communication might be difficult, but don't be afraid to be direct and press for answers, don't just accept what you're told. You might be messed around with a bit, so it's important to 'shop around' for positions - don't feel bad if you do so, and don't be afraid to turn things down that don't suit. Finally, don't feel terrified if you can't find information about a school online - a lot of stuff isn't on Google, and will also be better accessed via WeChat or mini programs. Not finding information about your school or city does not mean it doesn't exist!!

So be prepared for a wild ride - and enjoy! If you have any more questions about any of this, please feel free to ask at any time!

meichenxi out :P

[thisdreamplace]

I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier

I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-

It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(

This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅

Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!

Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha

Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused

This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen

My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭

To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.

To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.

When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.

So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.

If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.

Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.

Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖

[alto-angel]

in this post, i would like to present my thesis on why the song metaphor by the crane wives belongs to goro akechi.

"i've gotten good at leaning on metaphors": goro's speech as the detective prince is very flowery, exaggerated, and calculated, in order to please the crowds of people with their eyes trained on him at all times. public appearances, television shows, and interviews are all very important for his image, and as such he's forced to adapt his speech and choose his wording carefully to appease those watching. robbie daymond especially does a very good job of vocally pushing the line of politeness into a tone that sounds just a bit too sugary to be genuine, but not something u would notice unless u were listening closely.

"i've gotten good at living on someone else's page": much like the first line, this one can also refer to goro's public image. because he's put an immense amount of work into his life as the detective prince, he aims to please. or at least, he needs to act as though he does. in order to keep up appearances, he needs to be able to get a read of those around him and keep himself on the same wavelength as them. this also applies to shido—not only does goro need to please his fans, but shido as well, in order to stay one step ahead of him. goro is purposefully putting himself on eggshells every day of his life, and in order to keep that up as well as keep himself safe, this is what he has to practice.

"i cut my teeth on secondhand sentiments": goro is often forced to follow a script, or at least an embellished, public-friendly version of his own thoughts. the things that he says when acting as the detective prince are rarely ever his own thoughts as they would be presented in normal conversation. goro has to hide his true opinion of the phantom thieves behind crowd pleasing buzzwords, keep up appearances by catering his opinions, and even quotes philosophers and other literature ("to paraphrase hegel"). the things that he says as detective prince goro akechi are rarely ever entirely his own, and he's gotten very good at tailoring his speech.

"you can't trust a single thing i say": this one, i think, is fairly self-explanatory. the "you" doesn't just apply to the phantom thieves, but to those goro works with as well. what is it he says to sae; "to trick your enemies, you must first trick your allies"? he uses deception to get what he wants, but his primary motivation for it is to move his plan forward, and to protect himself. obviously, if he were honest with shido, he would've been killed on the spot. goro's proficiency with lies isn't just a tool he uses, but a defense mechanism as well. bc of his fear of and difficulty grasping the concept of opening up to someone, through that skill, he is able to keep himself closed off and in control (that is, until he meets akira).

"i keep my closet free of skeletons": this one strikes me as irony, personally. goro's closet is so full of skeletons that it's practically bursting at the seams. but as the detective prince, something like that just isn't allowed. he needs to play the part, otherwise he pays the price. as himself, as goro akechi, he's got so many skeletons in his closet that he probably can't open the door anymore. but as the detective prince, he has to uphold an air of perfection that seems unattainable to others. goro as the detective prince is the epitome of the culture behind the idolization of celebrities, and the way others place and expect them on pedestals of something near godhood, far above the rest of the world.

"cause i'm much better at digging graves": well, goro akechi is certainly no stranger to the art of killing someone without a trace. we have no idea how many shutdowns or breakdowns he induced over the course of his professional relationship with shido. but i also think this lyric in tandem with the one right before it could relate to goro's tendencies towards repression; the idea that he cannot and should not have any "demons" or "skeletons"—such as past traumas, meaningful relationships, or feelings that he's jammed down and shut the closet doors on, if u will—bc since vengeance is his only objective, then digging graves is his primary task, or the only thing he's good for, in his mind. the word skeletons doesn't have to represent mistakes specifically, but could also refer to how goro views his own heart and how he deals with his emotions. something like, he feels he shouldn't deal with all that turbulence, bc he's far better at warping it into anger—something that he's used to dealing with, and can easily rationalize. the more complicated emotions, not so much.

"but i always dig up bones in your sympathy": this is where i start connecting things to goro and akira specifically. another definition of sympathy entails two people who share an understanding of each other. doesn't that sound like goro and akira to u? so, if u take these lyrics to be from goro to akira, it feels to me like this one could represent his regrets/desire to leave his situation. according to rank seven of his confidant in royal, we know that goro is practically screaming for help before the events of sae's palace. unfortunately, as the player, we are not able to save him. but i think this lyric could represent his desire to connect with akira despite his better judgement—"dig up bones," as in; i'll still arrive at the decision to bury them in the first place, but bc we have an understanding, i'll show u as well as i can that i do not want to be doing this. and that's exactly how rank seven with goro plays out, through the metaphor of a billiards game.

"i can't trust a single thing you say": this could refer to the fact that both goro and akira are withholding truths from each other throughout their relationship, and since they are of equal standing, the same deception that applies to goro would apply to akira as well, albiet in a far different way. however, i can also see it as an unwillingness on goro's part; he feels as though he cannot trust akira not bc akira is truly lying to him, but bc there's no other way for him to rationalize the fact that akira cares for him and wants to spend time with him. as goro akechi, not the detective prince. goro can't trust the kindness akira extends to him not only bc he's used to conditional love (shido, foster parents, etc.), but also bc he doesn't feel as though he deserves it. goro does not have a very high image of himself, as we see later on, and it's easy to see throughout his confidant that he cannot quite understand why someone would want to spend time with him, and not the perfectly crafted version of him that he presents to everyone else.

"don't look too hard, cause you won't like the scars he left in me": the "he" here refers to shido. shido is the sole reason for all of goro's trauma and hardships. he has scarred goro more than anyone else in his life. and goro's sharing of these traumas is very limited: he opens up seemingly out of nowhere, before immediately retreating under the guise of things like "oh, that isn't like me," or "oh, am i bothering u?" such as the scenes that take place in leblanc and the bathhouse. goro cannot fathom the fact that someone (akira) would wish to get to know him, as he is, so he assumes that a normal interaction between friends is somehow too much transparency, and keeps himself at a distance. he mistakes his feelings for akira as hatred, right? obviously, that's entirely the wrong word to describe them. but if goro himself believes that he hates akira, he would likely believe akira to hate him as well; as evidenced by the fact that the dialogue options which give u the most points are the ones where u mention ur "rivalry"—bc again, goro cannot rationalize his emotions as anything other than negative; anger, hatred, etc. it's far easier for goro to blurt out the words "i hate u" rather than "i love u," or "i care for u," isn't it? and this is how he keeps himself at enough of a distance, although simultaneously feels himself drawing closer. emotional closeness is not something goro is well versed in, and bc goro has built his image on being talented and skilled, he refuses to reveal his shortcomings.

"i've gotten good at making up metaphors": the words here are only slightly different than the ones at the beginning, which i think works for goro's further descent into his deal with shido, and subsequent difficulty. instead of "leaning" on metaphors, he's completely making them up. it's more drastic, which could represent a sort of desperation. almost as if he's losing his touch—which we do see after the events of sae's palace, during the tv interview where he monologues internally about his backstory, and we start to really see how damaged he is. goro is frazzled and distraught, enough for it to visibly show, something he prided himself on being able to avoid.

"i've gotten good at stretching the truth out of shape": again, the same situation as before. similar to the beginning, with slightly harsher wording. the lies that goro is immersing himself in are getting more intense, and almost impossible to separate from. his "murder" of akira is a turning point, in a way; akira is the first and only character we see goro kill in what he believes to be outside of the metaverse. he's not only stretching the truth out of shape, but he himself is bent out of shape as well—this stuck out to me on my ng+ run; his sprites in the scene just after akira is reported to be dead from him to shido are very unsettling and absent, as if he's almost completely zoning out. it's a very jarring scene to watch, and i think at least part of that has to be due to the severity of his actions.

"and all these words are sweet and meaningless": this feels to me, if we're going by the timeline i've been suggesting throughout all this, like it's directed at shido. now that akira is dead and the phantom thieves are no longer a threat to goro's plan for revenge, he can focus his energy back on his original objective. goro lays it on incredibly thick in his scenes with shido, so much so that it sometime surprises me that he didn't realize shido was onto him. again with the more intense wording here, which fits with the events i'm corresponding it with.

"you can't trust a single thing i say": now this wording is exactly the same as the first time, but given the progression of everything i've talked about, i take this as a sort of last word to both shido and akira. goro intends to follow through with his vengeance no matter the cost, and this could read as a final nail in that coffin. the song repeats this lyric four times, as well. if i wanted to keep it up all the way up to the engine room scene, and go completely off the rails in the process, i could say that the first iteration of this line is an affirmation to both shido and akira that his revenge takes precedence, therefore it would be stupid to trust him. the second is an affirmation to himself that he is in fact doing the right thing, and everything will pay off in the end, that this is just the way things are supposed to be, as always. the third is a kind of plea, born from confusion, after he's defeated by the theives and they offer to bring him with them to take down shido, an offer he cannot fathom the reason for extending. a sort of "why would u trust me" in the form of "u shouldn't trust me." and the fourth would refer directly to goro speaking to his cognitive self; as he decieves the deciever, making it seem as though he is running back to shido only to close the bulkhead door and resign himself to his "noble" sacrifice.

i hope at least some of this makes any semblance of sense. put this song on ur goro playlists, goroboys.

[luvdsc]

1. (You don't have to read it all if you don't want to but I just wanted to send it in) It's honestly really stressful for a bunch of reasons.. The first being no one knows if the year will start on time, and if it does we don't know if we'll be able to take classes in school instead of online (I'm awful with online classes too so I'm really scared they'll start online).

2. The second thing is SATs & ACTs. I'm better at test taking than I am in the classroom so my plan was to take them and submit my scores to show I can do well in school, but they got cancelled this year so I'll have to take them next year. I still don't know when the ACT will be, but I do know the SAT will be at the start of the school year which isn't great because that's 3 months from now and I already don't remember much, so I'm probably not gonna do as well on the thing I was banking on..

3. Another thing is I have zero clue if/when I'll be able to do college tours, which isn't good because I haven't toured any yet :( And finally on top of all that I have the normal highschooler problems of having no idea what to go to school for and having no clue where I want to go... Ughh there's so many other smaller reasons too but those are the important one's.. Thank you for listening to/letting me rant though and sorry it is so long, I just really needed it!! 💕💕 💕

✿ ✿ ✿

of course, i’d read it all, lovebug! 💕 yes, it’s definitely scary with the uncertainty of the school year. i had to go through that with my last quarter where they kept delaying the start in order to accommodate the online switch. i’m not gonna lie to you and say online classes was a breeze because i definitely struggled with it myself, but i ended up with 3 A’s and 1 B, so i can tell you how i studied online if that will help? please go to your classes. don’t skip even though you desperately want to. go to class, turn off your phone, pay attention and take notes. you might tell yourself that it’s okay to skip because you can watch the recorded lecture later, but that’s a big fat lie and you’re not going to watch it lol. hold yourself accountable and watch it live and take notes like you’re in your actual classroom. participate when the teacher asks questions, don’t just sit there silently. actually do the problems and examples they go over and do the practice problems if they assign them. as for studying for tests, if you know when you’ll be having a midterm, start a week early and study one chapter a day and do some practice problems for each one. this way, you won’t be scrambling to cram study the night before and it’ll seem less daunting. you will get through this, honey bee! ✨

secondly, as for SATs and ACTs, i actually do think you remember more than you give yourself credit for. I didn’t study for them very much, and I think I did pretty well on them! I know the SAT scoring changed from when i took it, but I got a 2250 out of 2400 on the SAT and 33 out of 36 on the ACT. There are a ton of mock exams online and I used those super thick, paper thin soft cover books to study from, which had many mock exams. I don’t quite remember what was covered in those exams since it’s been 4 years, but if you want to study for math, i suggest that you review one chapter a day, starting at the beginning of your summer! that way, you aren’t cramming everything into the few days before the test and feel overwhelmed. it’s not as scary this way either, setting aside one or two hours to review each chapter and this will refresh your memory! i wish i could help you with the reading and writing portion, but i didn’t spend much time studying for this part. i mostly just tried out the mock exams because i’m not sure how else to prepare for that. you’re smart, sweetpea, and i know you’ll try your best, and that’s what counts the most! if you aren’t satisfied with your score, you are always able to retake it! there’s nothing wrong with retaking it. colleges won’t count that against you. i believe in you, lovebug! 💗

it sucks that you aren’t able to do college tours, i’m so sorry ): if it helps, i can describe to you how my university is like? a couple of my friends are actually the student tour guides at my school, too, so i can get more info on that if you’d like! my sister and i both went to private universities, so i have a better grasp of how those are and what the class situations are like. but many of my friends go to public universities, and i can ask them what those are like as well! my other friend went to community college, so if you want to know what that’s like, i can also ask her! 🌸

i talked about the struggles of choosing a major earlier, and i’ll put that here as well as add onto it! it’s a scary thing choosing what you want to do for the rest of your life. i went through that as well. i did extensive research and bounced between seven different potential majors. i didn’t know what i wanted to major in either and applied with different majors to each place. but it’s also possible to change your major later on, which is what i did twice. i will tell you this, it is the easiest to transfer majors from engineering to anything else. it’s the hardest to transfer into business or engineering if you’re majoring in sciences or arts. business is in between, so it’s hard to transfer to engineering from there, but much easier than it is to transfer to engineering from arts and sciences. transferring into arts and sciences is the easiest overall. it’s okay if you don’t know what to major in. but also, keep in mind that it’s much more difficult to change your major in a public university than a private one. also, to be honest, as long as you have some sort of degree, you can make yourself marketable to any job as long as you have the experience to back it up. granted, this doesn’t mean you can suddenly become a cardiovascular surgeon with just an economics degree, but what i mean is that it is very possible to get a job outside of what you have a degree in! 🌻

what’s your favorite subject, honey bee? what are your favorite extracurriculars? is there some topic that you’re really interested in? talk to the people around you and ask what their job is like! does it sound interesting to you? can you see yourself doing that kind of work for a while? do you think you’ll enjoy that kind of job? 💓 also, please make sure the average job in your chosen field of study will support the lifestyle you want or that you are okay with the lifestyle it supports! this is the reason why i didn’t choose to major in art, even though it’s my passion. i don’t want to be living in a shoebox and having an unstable income based on whether or not i can sell my paintings. it’s why i chose to go into business because i prefer a comfortable lifestyle with a nice apartment, much travelling, and lots of sushi in the future lmao

i didn’t know where i wanted to go either tbh. i never had a dream school. so i chose based on the school that offered me what i wanted most, which was a small classroom size with good teacher-student relationships, close to home, and the ability for me to change majors easily since i wasn’t set on the one i applied with. and i’m very happy with my decision! so maybe, if you list down what you want from your future school, you can narrow down your choices? 💕

you’re always welcome to come talk to me or rant about whatever you’d like! i’m sorry my response is so long, but i really hope any part of it will be able to help you in making your choices, lovebug! i’m rooting for you, and i hope you have a wonderful senior year ✨ please don’t worry too much about it, and remember to have fun as well!!! enjoy your last year!!!! 💐

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

My head has been full of music...

"Get in the bed and try to love someone"

He says pit.

But i do bed... It so much to me and makes me happy. Try.

It don't matter if i fail. I have a whole video in my head... Tree shot it... Bed full of us in clothes... Turns into a boxing ring. Tree should post it. For Chandler and all my children. It was 2008. I had amnesia. So many people loved me and were there for me after i wanted to kill myself. Because i had failed at the best parts of life and became normal.

Try. Try. Just Try. Don't have to be good at it. Give it a good start.

Just try. That was all i had to do. Try.

Just be in the bed and use that old heart.

No sex. No cuddles. No Nothing.

Just try to be yourself and no one else. Just give it all your go. Your best to be you.

That is what Rock told me.

I was on medication but my head was clear and the medicine induced happiness due to the raising of serotonin levels.

So i remember. How i happy i felt to be given that chance to be Me. How i was wanted and expected to only be myself as best as I could be. No matter what that was.

...

So NHRA i wanted to clarify, the $2500 match from me plus the $2500 match from the NHRA is for any employee

If you gotta scrape under the couch with a few friends to gather up the initial $2500 that's fine.

If you want to give out $200 per person that walks by a camera store any where in the world*. We have Abu that can assist you, free of charge to you. Magic Tree has been dying to get in on this, so he wants to pay the Abu.

So the Abu can assist you in any way to help you give your gifts of cash from the heart. Just let us know.

Alex, NHRA. Mark will tell Saint Luches whom will make a job posting for a specially selected group of Abu that are proud, honest and need this kind of job in their life. They were hand selected by the Tree and Alex will give an email to send your needs to and it goes straight to the tree whom will update and clarify your needs and post it in the system.

The Abu will get an email of the new website and log in so check that out hopefully you were selected.

So y'all get outta the bed and try to love someone.

*lucky for you i was given the gift of the Tree of Knowledge for my 2008 graduation present from the University of New Mexico. So you don't have to look up every camara shop in the world. The Tree of Knowledge will provide a list to each area Abu and hire Abu for each camera store. So you'll need to say "Saturdays is the day i want every week so it's consistent. So people can get rumors and go every week" or you say "i want to give the most randomly. I dont want to give to people that will come by again" So, tree Will calculate the future without changes or if he knows a change will occur in a certain area he will calculate those dates. So it takes less than a millisecond and he can do the whole world in that time and then less than 3 seconds later have the jobs all posted seperate.

So you just need to tell him where, how much, who and what you feel you want.

Like if camaras are your thing and you wanna help with diapers and be a consistent dollar supplier so you do every Sunday $10 from 6 am to 8 pm but you want to really help people randomly so yoh do $200 on the dates he says will be best at the times.

If your goal is to help keep camera shops in operation, then the Abu will notify the store clerk when a customer is making purchase to notify him/her and they will then give a card to apply to the bill to buy more accessories they were going to wait go buy later. Because waiting till they come out wirh a bag is great but letting them buy more that day while they're telling themselves why they have to wait to buy that one thing they crave but had to put back on the shelf...

That helps the shop keeper and changes the day dramatically for the shopper. Then they leave will a full package and the to do list is smaller -- get behind the lens and frame a bitch.

So if you would like the tree to decide for you you can allow that. If you want to be specific about the receivers or how it's going to be done you can do that. If you want him to brainstorm for you. He can and will.

I do require you do give away by your own hands. I am not going to list and bla bla rules I just want to remind you that's one of the reasons you want to do this.

To change a face. To change a day. For a moment in time be who you are, the best you can be.

So to have the Abu do it at the fee of $60 per hour the tree pays as i am under the deep hit man kill number and aren't paying all CIA Abu for extra events. The Tree has agreed to pay for Super Special Events in 2008. This falls under Chandler's Love Rule of never too much love in the world. So there's never too much money either.

It's additional impact of the gift of cash and love to have the Abu earn such a high amount to make people smile.

But its to impact the heart of each NHRA employee.

Steven Torrence. Greg Anderson. A few others already had heart attacks for lack of love.

Jason Line, Mark says, isn't doing to well. Hes about 9 months away from a coronary failure.

My anchors. They aren't only strong and wise. They also need love, too.

That's why I still have them in my Instagram news feed.. Some i could unfollow but others. I just couldn't. They needed love, too. For me it was evident.

So they most need to hand deliver gifts every work weekend.

The angry. The violent. Even if it's just $50 per person on The plane you have the airline attendant pass out with drinks. You will see and hear and feel the change within that plane. And its random but also slightly guided by God. Some greedy will miss their flight just because Jason Line was handing out $300 per person on a flight just to hear a smile in his heart.

And with the match there is plenty of money.

....

And any celebrity or rich person can join in a pledge of a lump sum to be divided. The $2500 or more is you to you. If they want to do a certain way or cause they can join in one already created or suggest to someone who hasn't yet figured out a way to do it or wants a change from the usual way they're using the Abu.

One of my kids, Jamamima, (jah-my-mah -- the a is a short a vowel sound. More like uh. Juh-my-muh would be better if you don't know the long and short vowels) posted the email to the tree so this way you can ask to join in. And if someone is brainstorming, the Tree of Knowledge can add your idea to someone He feels is a match to.

You can remain anonymous if you wish. Or let only the people you're working with (including the Abu) know who you are. Or let every One know. Or all the above according to Your level.

So email if you want the cards printed a certain way because that will change who you will pair with. If you want to have a photo background of the enablers of the free people in the world to not Rob banks then it changes who you will work with. Especially if you want a series of dinner photos and sight seeing photos.

What kind of cause you want. Schools. Children so near toy stores or museums or other child advertised places. Moms. Dads. Fire fighters. Hospitals. Lots of things can be bought online in a hospital. Now days if they're tired of hospital food, they can call up uber eats on a Visa gift card.

The particular style of gift giving you want. Every holiday a hospital in your favorite city. Or every 3rd Tuesday all children's hospitals in The world.

Or tree or NHRA employee choice.

How's it looking, now, Chandler?

[garden-of-succulents]

Wait, so you don't have BPD but you want to write parse with bpd as your representation? How does that work? I'm really sorry, I like your Parse stories and read them and I don't mean to say that you shouldn't write them, but I don't understand where you're coming from on this. Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?

I’ll answer your questions backwards so the long personal story can go under a readmore:

“Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?“

That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last few weeks. Like, mental health is my wheelhouse, that’s a huge thing I write about; what about writing mentally ill characters of colour?  I can do it pretty easily with my OCs (cf. Luis and Maida) but feeling my way into mental health themes with canon characters of colour is more difficult while Kent and Jack are kind of like... low-hanging fruit, for me.

It’s why I’ve started bugging @abominableobriens with thoughts about BPD Nursey, gone back to trying to work my way into Ransom’s anxiety (I can’t find the post where I talk about where I was with this a couple months ago).  It’s not a smooth process, though--I’m flopping around being like “but how do I respect Ransom’s personality and preferences but get him some TREATMENT and REST” and “Okay but I haaate conflict-laden relationships and Nursey and Dex’s canon relationship is so full of sniping, how do I write Nursey without Dex?” and that’s the kind of flailing and experimentation I have to do internally or talking to a few people. Mostly the for-public-consumption stuff that’s come out of that process so far has been fluffy romantic headcanons.

So we’ll see how that goes. It’s partly that positive depictions of BPD/the kind of complex trauma I’m interested in are really rare. Before OMGCP, I spent most of my time writing straight-up OCs in fandom contexts because I couldn’t find what I wanted in the source material. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oookay, and now for the long bit: Why I care really personally about representations of BPD even though I don’t have it myself.

So basically, I’ve been depressed/mentally ill since elementary school, but growing up I kind of internalized the idea that letting my family know I was suffering would be so awful and unbearable for them that I could NOT do it. So I hated myself and I was miserable and was convinced that I couldn’t tell any adults about it. The big lifeline for me were young adult problem novels--books about teens in treatment programs for eating disorders or self-injury or, heck, kidney disease or parapalegia--I never saw myself in the symptoms, precisely, which was confusing, but I did see myself in the emotional experience of overwhelming pain, and I was captivated by the idea that feeling so awful all the time wasn’t normal, it was a disease; and a disease that could be treated. There were people who could help me be Not-That--but I couldn’t ask my parents to see a therapist, since that would be too awful for them, so I tried to soak up what knowledge I could through those books (or the nonfiction books that were available to me).  The books... were very  bland, whitewashed, rendered down to be acceptable; the girls were very soft, very fragile, would never hurt a fly (except themselves). I kind of internalized that as what a Good Mentally Ill Person should look like, and didn’t realize there was any other sort of mental illness.

In junior high school I started being able to articulate this depression to other kids and started making friends, online and in real life, who were also mentally ill like me. We could talk together about feeling worthless and unlovable, and participate in a conspiracy of silence Not To Let The Adults Know.

I’m struggling to explain this and keep my narrative somehow concise, not an essay about my entire childhood--long story short, I’m not Borderline; I was a lot more emotionally stable, even if my stability was in absolute fucking misery. I could take an emotion like a punch to the gut and sit with it, when a lot of my friends would have to get it out somehow--it drove them to do crazy and self-destructive things. (As an adult I know this difference is a lot about genetics and our lives before the age of three.)  And also, long story short, I learned that one way to make people like me was to pay attention to them and take care of them. I nurtured out of self-defense and because it was the only way I knew how to socialize. So I was the person all my friends told about their problems.

And I thought they were like me, that we had the same problems, the same illness? I tried to take what I learned from books and apply it, which was all about being patient and giving and empathetic and loyal and A Good Friend. I thought friendship could cure anything.  No matter what anybody did to me, I was totally disconnected from my anger and self-protective instincts; I thought I had to be a sponge, soaking up all their bad emotions and loving them no matter what.

So I was totally unprepared for them to split on me. I didn’t know anything about the idealization/devaluation cycle.

Splitting is... so, Borderline Personality Disorder is basically an inability to self-regulate, to integrate, to tolerate ambiguity. Either the person with it is an amazing perfect god, or a destructive piece of shit. Either their friend is a wonderful loving angel, or an evil demon who hates them and wants them to suffer. And this is an opinion that can flip on a dime, depending on how the person feels in that moment. So like--

I was maybe 16 or 17, and made a friend through a speech and debate club I was part of. From out of nowhere she liked me, thought I was pretty and smart and special. I stayed up until 3am one weekend and talked with her; we shared our hopes, our dreams, our favourite books. She sang a Scottish ballad that she said reminded her of me (”black is the colour of my true love’s hair”). The next time we met she gave me a little teddy bear with a hand-written note about what a good friend I was.

Then in the club, it was my job to make sure everyone got to meetings on time and was properly dressed and everything, and someone pointed out to me that my friend was wearing a skirt that was way shorter than dress guidelines allowed for. I had to go tell her that she was supposed to change and said, squirmingly uncomfortable, “People have talked to me...”  She stalked off.

That night was a ceremony where people who aged out of the group got to talk a little bit about what the group meant to them, and say goodbye to people, and play or sing a song. Her turn came, and she announced that our entire group was full of fake, awful, petty monsters, two-faced liars, almost as hurtful, hateful, and abusive as her foster parents. The song she played was “Just Like You” by Three Days Grace. I sobbed the entire time and tried to apologize to her, but it didn’t work. 

About a month later, she emailed someone in the group to say she’d been angry and hadn’t meant it, and she was sorry for ruining the ceremony.

That kind of thing happened to me with... maybe five or six different people, to greater or lesser degrees, from the time I was 12 to the time I was 20, which is when I finally got a handle on what was going on and how to predict it and keep it from happening. Friendships where everything was fine, wonderful, great thanks, how are you, fine, wonderf--KABOOM YOU’RE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LIS YOU ABUSER (oh wait sorry i didn’t mean it where are you going).

It took a lot of work to learn that I had to get my sense of self from something other than helping other people, to look after my own needs as well as other peoples’, to learn (GASP) to accept and even ask for help. A lot of things changed when my mom told us, when I was 15, that she was depressed and going into therapy, because that meant we were allowed to do these things in our family. I immediately blurted out, “Can I see a therapist too?”  So I got more centred in myself, and also finally figured out what was going on with my friends, and got better at maintaining friendships with people with BPD that did not explode, at making friendships that were not based around me being a pseudo-therapist, and at getting my helping-people jonesing out with actual paid work.

So you might notice that a lot of my fics about Kent and BPD aren’t actually from Kent’s perspective or about him--they’re about people trying to live with him. Hurricane or Campsites are stories about people who know what to expect, who have some understanding of what he’s like and how to keep themselves safe. They can find ways to love him for his good parts without letting his bad parts hurt them, can love him without letting themselves be sucked in by the extreme warmth of his regard, can maintain their own boundaries and make their own decisions.

(To be honest, I was initially really amazed to find that people with BPD appreciate my fics or me talking about the subject? Because I am an outsider, because I am writing from this perspective--a medical perspective, no less! The voice of the Establishment! But a lot of people have been really receptive to my POV--which might just be, again, the paucity of positive representations at all.)

I didn’t really think about it this way until I got this ask and started trying to explain it, but... I’m trying to write the kind of story I could have used when I was a kid.

(So then you ask, Lis, you’re still writing about other people, about meeting other peoples’ needs--when are you going to write about children like you were, about experiences like yours? When are you going to tell your own story? and then I change the topic and sidle awkwardly out of the room. I’m not ready for that yet.)