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staticscreenwriting · 5 years ago

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12 Days of Christmas - [Day 4]

A/N: Day number 4 for the Christmas coundown with @mattysheelies. This one’s almost 6k words. I loved writing this and I hope you like it too. It’s cheesy and cutesy and maybe cliché but it’s Christmas so idgaf. ENJOY ♥

Prompt: Snowed in together.

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Reader

“I felt so lonesome, all of a sudden. I almost wished I was dead.”

It happens, every once in a while, that you read a sentence in a book that you’ve read a hundred, maybe a million times before and it suddenly hits you like a punch straight to your gut. Because it’s different now. The book has stayed the same all through the seasons but you realize, you’re a whole new person who’s been through a whole new set of trials and tribulations. And all of a sudden you understand.

I slump back into the cold, sticky plastic of the bright blue seat and clutch my beat up copy of Catcher in the Rye closer to me. I face the huge windows, looking out into the black of the night and the airplanes, firmly rooted on the ground. There’s a heavy downfall of snow and no sign of it stopping anytime soon.

Maybe, I realize, this is my reckoning. Isn’t this what I’ve been wishing for ? A white Christmas like the one from the songs and the movies ?

Well merry fucking Christmas, (Y/N).

Every snowflake is a sick reminder of what could have been. Of what isn’t.

I let my eyes travel around the area. Rows and rows of blue plastic seats. There’s not a lot of people waiting around here. I assume most people have flown home a few days ago to make it in time for Christmas and the few that weren’t smart enough to do that, have resorted to some bar or a restaurant or something.

In theory, I could do that too. The thing is, spending Christmas eve by myself in an airport restaurant, would just seal the deal for this being the most depressing and downright sad Christmas of my whole life.

So I stay seated and lose myself in Holden Caulfield's delightful pretentiousness.

They’re playing Christmas music from a nearby speaker. I wonder if they want to taunt me. Me and everyone else stuck in a fucking snowstorm on Christmas Eve in god damn Indianapolis. They even have a tree set up and where it should make people happy, it only makes me even more sad. I wanna be home with my family, decorating my own tree with all the weird and quirky ornaments we’ve collected over the years. They all come with their own stories and it fills my heart with bittersweet nostalgia.

I’ve never known what being homesick feels like until tonight.

Again my eyes move along the rows of plastic seats. There’s a man in a sharp suit a few rows down. He’s got neatly combed hair and a red tie and shiny shoes and a face that says “ My name is Michael and I don’t allow anyone to call me by a nickname and I have an important job and I drive an expensive car and I probably fuck my secretary. “

It’s not a face you particularly want to look at. Except maybe if you’re said secretary.

A family of 3 sits by the end of the row. They seem — at peace. And for a moment I wish I could be them. I guess it’s different being stuck if you’re stuck with the people you love.

It makes me bitter to think about it so I avert my eyes and let them travel down the other side of rows. Which turns out to be no better for my mental state because there’s a couple there and they do not seem to care that an airport terminal is not the ideal place for some serious tongue action.

Across from them sits a guy, he’s got a mean mullet. Strands and strands of golden curls. He’s wearing a leather jacket and big black boots and there’s a deep scowl permanently edged onto his face. If he’s aiming for the whole bad boy vibe, he’s really nailing it.

I can see him shaking his head, as he too notices the couple getting awfully touchy, and I can’t suppress a laugh.

He notices and he looks at me and even across two whole rows of plastic seats I can see just how gorgeously blue his eyes are.

He doesn’t laugh or smirk or does anything to give me any indication of his feelings. Maybe I’m grateful for it. Maybe I wish he would. It would be quite nice to make a connection with someone right now. Just to make being alone feel a little less lonely.

“ the snow's comin' down

(Christmas) I'm watchin' it fall

(Christmas) lots of people around

(Christmas) baby, please come home”

It’s quite ironic, really,that they would chose this damn song. Of all the Christmas songs in all of the world.

Mullet boy seems to be a kindred spirit in this regard, I can see him sigh and murmur a “for fucks sake” into to collar of his jacket, as he sinks deeper into the chair.

“They’re singing deck the halls, but it’s not like Christmas at all. “

Yeah it really fucking isn’t.

A smacking of lips catches my attention and I focus back on the couple just to witness the guy’s hand travel straight under the sweater of his girlfriend. It’s a sight I don’t particularly want to see.

A sight that apparently makes my face screw up in aversion. And as it does, old blue eyes looks back at me and this time, I see a smirk. It vanishes as quickly as it appeared but I know for a fact that it was there. Maybe I don’t have to be all that lonely after all.

I close the bruised and battered orange book that, at this point, is hardly orange anymore, and place it in my backpack. If my life was a John Hughes movie or maybe any other romantic comedy, I’d get off my seat and walk over. There’d be some cheesy some playing in the background, maybe by the Smiths. I would throw him a smile and he’d look at me, an angel’s choir singing wonderous melodies. And tonight would change both our lives forever.

Alas my life is not a movie that Morrissey wrote any songs about. I am a coward and my heart already lies in several little pieces at my feet. So I don’t walk over just like that with no idea what to say, no incentive.

Instead I grab my backpack and walk past him, down a long corridor and end up at a vending machine that sells both, coffee and soup and I secretly pray that they don't come from the same jet.

The last coffee I had, I think as the warm liquid fills the paper cup, I bought at the little cart by Kelvin’s dorm room. It was a good coffee, had Hazelnut sirup in it. I remember the warmth of it in my hand. I remember the taste on my tongue. I vividly remember the sound of the cup hitting the floor and the stains on my pants and the feeling of my heart as it broke in two.

I don’t want to remember that though, so I will myself to ignore it. To push the thoughts away. I fill the second cup, grab it, put lids on them and then carry them back towards the row of seats.

Mullet boy doesn’t as much as glance at me as I drop down in the seat next to him. Only shows me that he notices me as I hold one of the coffee cups out to him.

“ Sorry it’s not booze. I know that would make looking at these two a little more entertaining. “

For a second he just looks at me in confusion, contemplates whether or not to trust me. In the end he takes the drink so I take that for a good sign.

“ Thanks. “

His voice is deep and raspy and I really really like the way it sounds.

“ I wonder if they even realize there’s other people around “ I say, watching the dude’s hand travel down the girls back, as they dreamily blink at each other like the main characters on a romance novel. Maybe those two get the romance and the the Smith song in the background. Maybe I’m just a sad side character in their story.

Mullet boy scoffs, takes a sip of coffee then speaks up. “ Don’t even think they’d notice if we joined in “.

He smirks at that. There’s an absolute underappreciation for people who laugh at their own jokes. I think it’s charming, endearing even. If you can’t laugh at your own joke, how do you expect anyone else to do it.

“ Least they’re not alone on Christmas fucking eve “

I don’t know why I say it. I don’t necessarily want to share my sob story. Sometimes my words just move faster than my head does.

“ Christmas is overrated anyway “ blue eyes says and shrugs his shoulders in a way that’s supposed to look casual. Only you can’t say shit like “Christmas is overrated” and be casual about it. There’s always more to a statement like that.

“ You think ? “

“ I know. “

“ How come ? “

He turns to face me and raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow. It’s like he’s straight from the cover of one of my mom’s romance novels. I think it’s quite unfair that he gets to look like this on a day like today and I — I look just the way I feel. Sad. Exhausted.

“ It’s none of your business. “

“ Oh geez, and here I was thinking we were bonding over our shared distaste for PDA. Guess not. “

“ You guessed right. “

For a moment, we fall into silence as another song plays over the stereo that has entirely too many obnoxious jingle bells in the backing track. For a moment I feel very lonely again.

It’s then, that the universe seems to have pity on me. It sends me a sign. A gift. A little Christmas miracle if you will.

That comes in the form of the couple getting more touchy, more — obnoxious. So obnoxious that the girl leans back, presumably to lay on the seats, only that’s not what happens. It seems to happen in slow motion when really it’s probably only the blink of an eye. She leans back and back and back and suddenly tumbles off the seats and onto the cold linoleum floor, her mister holding onto her so tightly, he falls right down with her.

My mama always told me not to laugh at other people’s misfortune. But at 18 years of age, I feel it’s time to break some rules my mama set. And this is one of them.

I can’t help it. I laugh. It comes from the deepest corner of my belly and fills my entire being. Then I catch those gorgeous blue eyes looking at my and I notice he’s laughing too. A hearty laugh. I think it’s a good one. No halfway laugh. No bullshitting. It’s a proper laugh and, as we lock eyes, our laughter only seems to increase.

The magic bubble that, until now, has surrounded the couple, seems to have been popped. It’s vanished. For them at least. Because as our laughter rings in unison, a proper harmony of joy, I feel like maybe me and mullet boy have been given a tiny spark of magic ourselves.

“ I’m (Y/N), by the way “ I say, trying to hold in more chuckles.

“ Billy ”

“ No no, you got it all wrong. His name is Michael and he’s on a business trip that he tells his wife he couldn’t postpone but actually he just wanted to get away from his family for the holidays. “

“ Michael ? nah. This dude’s not a Michael. “

“ So what’s his name then, Billy ? “

He thinks for a moment, face scrunched up in a way that is absolutely adorable. It makes him look way younger than he probably is. Very boy-ish. Very cute.

“ Edward “

“ Edward ? “

“ Yes. Look at him, he looks so boring. And can you think of a more boring name than fucking Edward ? “

I have to admit, he has a point. So I shrug and nod. “ You have a point. “

The little family from earlier, passes us and, as the mom glances towards us, her eye linger on Billy just a moment too long for it to be accidental. And he notices, the cocky bastard. He notices and revels in it, letting the corner of his lips lift up in a teasing smirk.

“ What the fuck was that ? “ I asked, flattened by the sheer audacity for both of them.

“ I got that effect on women of all ages. “

“ Wow, your ego is really tiny, huh. “

When he looks at me, grin widening and eye filling with mischief, I know I just said the wrong thing. I set myself up with this one, I admit that.

“ That’s the only thing tiny about me. “

“ Aaaand that’s my cue to leave. “ I pull myself halfway out of my seat when his arm shoots out and his hand grabs onto mine. The mischief in his eyes in gone, completely replaced by a pure and unfiltered honesty.

“ Stay. Please. “

I sink back down and we fall into a silence. He knows that I saw it in his eyes, the fear of being left alone and I know that he knows and so we’re stuck in this weird limbo of whether to ignore it or spill our sorrows to one another. And maybe it’s because today is Christmas and on Christmas you tell the truth, even if it to a stranger at an airport, but he suddenly breaks the silence and starts talking.

“ I don’t wanna be alone. “

“ Yeah me neither. “

“ I uh — I was supposed to be in California, to visit my mom over Christmas. I haven’t seen her in — in years. This was supposed to be our first Christmas together since I was 8. I called her earlier, from the payphone. I thought she might be devastated. She’s not. I don’t think she cares very much if I’m there or not. I’m still debating whether or not I wanna get on the plane if it ever goes. “

“ I came to visit my boyfriend for Christmas. Surprise him, you know. He’s going to college here in Indiana. We’re both from California and we haven’t seen each other since the summer. I thought It was the ultimate proof of my love to him. Well — turns out he’s been fucking his way around campus while I’ve been busy making plans on how to rearrange my life and all my dreams, to come study with him in Indiana after I graduate High School. “

Another silence fills our hearts but this one isn’t thick with anticipation and tension. It’s one that settles deep in our bones as we realize, that sometimes there’s comfort in shared misery.

“ Merry fucking Christmas to us. “ Billy murmures.

“ Do you wanna go see if we can get a drink at the bar ? “

“ That’s the best idea I’ve heard in a while. “

“ I can not believe your fake ID says you’re name’s Ricky Hardman. “

“ If you’re mocking me I can just drink this myself, you know. “

“ Oh come on. It’s just — that sounds like such a porn name. “

“ So what. “

I have to snort at his complete lack of self reflection. He knows I’m right but he’s so stubborn. Again I find myself thinking it’s endearing rather than annoying.

To come back to a statement I made earlier, I also think we don’t appreciate the people enough, that make us snort-laugh. Is it a bit embarrassing and cringy? Sure but it’s a laugh either way and I don’t think we should ever take that for granted.

“ Put the cups down so I can spice it up a little bit “ Billy instructs me and I do as he says. This is probably our 4th refill of coffee for the night, my mom would have a go at me for all the caffeine but whatever.

Billy opens the bottle of booze he just purchased at the airport store and pour us both a decent amount into our coffees. Might as well have our own little Christmas celebration if we’re stuck here with nothing else to do.

Cups clutched in our hands we roam around the airport, cheeks warming up from the alcohol. I feel more at peace now and yet my heart is ever as heavy with the longing to be home.

A sign directs us towards the visitors terrace where families usually gather to watch the planes take off and land. It’s deserted now but that’s not really a surprise. It’s cold, it’s snowing and there’s no flights going anyway. It’s just a dark, snowy night and a lonely runway illuminated by small lights that, if you believe hard enough, almost look like fairy lights in the distance.

“ I know it looks pretty, “ I say as I lean against the banister of the terrace “ but I really don’t find snow all that great.”

“ I fucking sucks, “ Billy replies. “ It’s cold and wet and turns into gray slosh in the matter of a few minutes. “

“ I always dreamed of a white Christmas, now I can’t wait to never see snow again. “

“ Me too. I hate it. Snow. Indiana. At least you get to stay in California once you make it there. I have to wait until graduation to finally move back home. “

I don’t want to pry, I really don’t but there’s something about him that intrigues me. Everything he says and does in scrowded in some kind of mystery. Some hidden meaning in all of it.

The way he looks and the way his words hold a certain softness to them, is a whole enigma in itself.

“ You wanna come back to Cali ? “

“ Fuck yes. I can’t stay here longer than I need to. I miss the sun and the beach and — my home. “

“ Oh god yes, the beach. “

“ See, and you wanted to give up on all of that for a guy called Kelvin. “

“ I — he’s nice.”

“ Oh I’m sure he is. And secure and smart. “

“ He is. We’ve been together since my sophomore year in Highschool. He was my first — everything. He studies business and is gonna take over his dad’s company one day. “

Billy blows a raspberry before turning to me with his perfect eyebrow raised in mockery.

“ That is so dull. “

“ It’s not “

“ But it is ! Tell me honestly, do you really love this guy or is it just — comfortable. Being with him ? “

And once again, something that I’ve considered so many times in my life, suddenly affects me in a completely different way than I am used to. I understand all of a sudden.

I get it.

“ I mean, maybe you have a point. What makes you the relationship expert though ? “

“ Nothing. I’m not saying I am. But I know I never plan on spending my whole life with someone because I am comfortable with them. It’s your goddamn life, you should live it for yourself. “

It hits me light a freight train. Straight in the heart. He’s right. Whether I want to admit it or not, Billy is right. I don’t let him know that though, it’s hard enough admitting it to myself. I think he knows anyway, by the way I look at him. By the way he looks at me.

“ Have you decided whether or not you wanna get on the flight ? “ I ask. It’s still not my place to ask those questions but it feels like something has shifted between us. Like tonight is ours entirely. A night of truths. Of heart opened and unguarded.

“ The alternative is spending Christmas with my dad and his wife and my stepsister. “

“ Sounds alright to me. “

“ Yeah, only my dad is the biggest asshole on the planet. He’s not a nice guy. His wife is a fucking nutcase, obeying his every will. She has the backbone of a jellyfish. And Max — Max hates me. That one’s my fault though. “

I want to hug him. It’s a strong urge that overcomes me. A sudden rush. His words are soft and sad and frustrated and I can see in his eyes just how much this hurts him. And god, it’s Christmas Eve. I just want to make him feel a little less alone.

So I do. I hug him, rest my head on his shoulder and together we look at the snow falling around us, covering the world in a thick white frosty blanket.

“ I’m sorry about that. Just so you know though, I’m glad we’re stuck here together. “

“ Well yeah, I’m hot and fun and I have great hair. “

“ Oh there we go again with the ego. “ I laugh. He makes me me laugh. Like genuinely laugh. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this around Kelvin.

“ What’s that book you’ve been reading. “ Billy asks as the laughter settles down again.

“ Catcher in the Rye. It’s one of my favorites. “

“ Uh-huh. What’s it about ?”

“ This boy, Holden. He gets kicked out of prep school and runs of to New York City and yeah it basically chronicles his days in NYC. It’s about loss of innocence and isolation. “

“ Sounds absolutely — “

“ Wonderful “

“ Boring. “

Here’s the thing about interests and hobbies. They’re a very personal, very individual experience. They’re yours. And yes, maybe it’s nice to share your passions with another person who feels the same. But let’s be honest: It doesn’t really matter. I am not hurt by Billy’s disinterest. Not even by his mocking scoff. Because it in no way lessens my love for the book. The story it tells and the nostalgia it brings me.

It also doesn’t lessen the affection growing inside me, towards Billy. An affection that both scares and excites me at the same time. By all means, it is delusional to fall for a stranger at an airport, who doesn’t even live in the same state as me. Someone I’ve only spent a few hours with.

Then again, life is never a straight path. I used to think it was but after tonight, maybe I can let myself take some backroads. Take a road less traveled. See where it leads me and if it brings me to a dead end, turn around and try again.

Maybe sometimes it needs a boy with a leather jacket and gorgeous blue eyes, to make you realize that life can be so much more if you just let yourself live it.

“ Okay sure. What are your interests then ? I’m sure there’s something you like doing, something you care about. “

“ My car. “

“ That’s such a guy answer. “

“ Pff, whatever. “

“ What else ? “

He takes a moment to answer. Contemplates. Mulls his answer over in his head. There’s a vulnerability in his eyes I haven’t seen since he talked about his mom earlier tonight.

“ Music. “

“ Music ?”

“ I really care about music. Not — not playing it but just music in itself. You can’t tell anyone this, okay ? It’s a bit ridiculous and It’s not really realistic, but I would love to work at a record label. Or maybe have my own music venue. To help discover bands and find new, awesome music. Whenever I’m sad or angry or frustrated, or even happy, there’s a specific songs for any emotion, any situation. I want everyone to be able to have that in their life. “

There’s something undeniably sexy about someone being passionate about something. He only just started but I could honestly listen to Billy talk about music for hours and hours and hours.

“ So who’s your favorite band then ? “

“ I’ll sound pretentious as fuck but my favorites are probably some local bands from my hometown in California. “

“ Maybe when you’re back home after graduation, you can take me to a gig. Show me some of those bands. “

My heart beats faster as I realize this is the first time either of us has mentioned there being a future. More than just one magical night at the airport.

It slipped out but I’m glad it did. The idea of more nights together, more time spent listening to him talk about his music. Experiencing that music with him. It doesn’t scare me. In fact, it excites me so much.

“ Yeah. Sounds like a plan. “

“ A good plan. “

“ A great plan. “

I don’t know if he notices that I notice, but his hand drops to the small of my back, so gently it’s but a whisper of a touch. It warms me up more than our boozy coffee ever managed to.

Airports have a weird energy. A specific mood that transcends through every corner in every room. It’s loaded with the arrival of change. It might be good and exciting or it might be sad. But something is about to change and you can feel it sizzling in the air.

As I stand next to Billy in the softly falling snow, I know that the girl that arrived at the airport earlier today, heartbroken and without purpose, is not the same girl that’s gonna get on that flight home. Something has changed. I think I like this new girl better.

“ They’re singing deck the halls … “

“ Oh Jesus, what is it with this fucking song ? “

“ What, you don’t like it ? “

“ Do you ? “

“ Totally “

I don’t know what hits me. Maybe it’s the fact that the future is so awfully unknown. I don’t know if after tonight I will ever see Billy again. Or maybe because it’s Christmas.

Or maybe because I’m a little drunk and half in love.

But I start to dance and sing along. With the snow falling down on me. Snowflakes dropping onto my hair and melting, leaving it wet and streaky. But it doesn’t matter right then. All that matter is the music and the night and him and I.

“ Come dance with me. “

“ I don’t dance. “

“ It’s Christmas Eve, Billy. It’s my Christmas wish. Come on. There’s no one around. “

Here’s some piece of advice from me to you: If you’ve never had a guy in a leather jacket and biker boots twirl you around while the snow is falling and Christmas songs play over the stereo, then you’re missing out.

Billy’s hand is warm, his smile is gentle. It’s all so vastly different from the way I felt when touching Kelvin. Everything that comes with Billy is an enigma, a surprise. Nothing is certain and yet I am sure that I’ve never felt more alive than I do right now.

The last chord of the song echoes through the night as Billy pulls me close to him, I can see his breath in the cold, accumulating in little clouds. I can feel his skin in mine.

“ You’re gonna get on that flight, Billy Hargrove. “ I say, my voice but a sigh. A whisper

“ I’m gonna get on the flight. I’m gonna graduate and then come back to California. Permanently this time. I’ll find you and take you to all the underground clubs and show you all my favorite bands. And I’ll even listen to you talk about your books. “

“ Even if you think they’re boring. “

“ Uh-huh. “

“ Hey Billy. “

“ Hmm ? “

“ I think I wanna write a book. I think that’s what I want to do with my life. “

He’s so close now, our noses touching, our breaths touching, our lips touching. Warm and soft and gentle.

“ Write about us, so you don’t forget me. “

I kiss him then. Or he kisses me. I don’t know for sure but really what does it matter. In the grand scheme of things it’s irrelevant who initiated the kiss. It matters that it happened. And by god I will never be able to forget this kiss or the boy that gave it to me.

“ Dear passengers, we are delighted to announce that the runway has been cleared. The sky is blue and free of any downfall. Flights will resume shortly. More information about departure times will be available shortly. Feel free to turn to our staff for guidance or additional information.

“ Billy. Hey, Billy. “ I say, and shake him awake. He looks so peaceful and boyish while sleeping, it breaks my heart a little to interrupt his sleep.

“ Hmm.. ? “

“ I think our flights are gonna go soon. Snow’s stopped. “

“ Oh. “

I don’t have to ask to know what he’s feeling. What he wants to say. “ Oh. this is it for us. “

We gather our stuff, stretch our limbs and get off the uncomfortable plastic seats. The board on the wall shows us that our flights go in just two hours. His to San Diego, mine to LA.

Our time is numbered and we finally have an expiration date. My heart breaks once again though this time I try to hold onto the fact that we both want a future of whatever it is we’re sharing. Even if it’s just a friendship, I want Billy Hargrove in my life.

“ Hey uh — “ Billy speaks up and takes my hand in his “ let’s make a deal. “

“ What deal ? “

“ To see each other again. Maybe — maybe next Christmas Eve. “

“ Where ? “

“ I don’t know. Let me — let me come to you. “

“ Santa Monica pier. “

“ Okay sure. “

“ Cool. “

He kisses me again and this one too, will stay with me forever. In my heart and in my head.

“ Here I’ll give you my phone number. Call me if anything changes. If my dad answers just ignore his stupid comments “ He says, fumbles around in his backpack and come up with a pen and — a cassette tape ?!

“ Something to remember me by “ he points out as he scribbles his number onto the little slip of paper. “ Some of my favorite songs on there. “

“ If you give me something, let me give you something too. “ I say and pull out my old worn out copy of Catcher in the Rye, scribble a message on the first page, then hand it to him.

“ There’s a bunch of notes in the margins. I never got to share them with anyone, I’ll gladly share them with you. “

Then I kiss him. Again and again and again, until it’s all I can think about and all I can feel.

“ Flight 207 to LAX boarding now. “

And that is it for us, at least for now. The magic of last night is broken. It’s Christmas Eve gone, replaced by Christmas day. No snowstorm. No magic. Just the brutal truth that real life awaits.

So we part. With more kisses and a promise.

“ Until next Christmas. “

The plane is already high up in the air when Billy Hargrove pulls the book from his pocket. It’s old and worn out and what looks like it used to be orange once upon a time is now a washed out beige.

He opens it up to the first page and can’t suppress a smile. A real one. Not one of those he fakes for his dad and susann. A real smile that reaches his eyes. One he feels in his heart.

“ Meet me at the Merry-Go-Round! “

His heart soars as he thinks about next year. A future that suddenly looks much brighter than ever before.

There’s a lot of notes and scribbles and highlighted sentences. He skims through it until one passage catches his attention.

“ Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do. “

And so he thinks back to the overly touchy couple and their magnificent tumble from the plastic seats. And he remembers her laugh and his ringing up in unison.

He understands. That Holden guy has a point. Maybe it’s worth reading the book after all.

A year later.

I’m rushing through the crowd of people, a vibrant clementine sky the backdrop for my misery. God, why can I never be on time.

My heart hammers in my chest. Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave.

His eyes meet mine across the way as he leans against the banister by the Merry-Go-Round and I feel like I am back at the airport. The magic is back.

“ Sorry I am late. I am so so sorry. “ I say and can’t help myself but pull him into a kiss. One filled with passion and longing and a promise kept.

“ Ah If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she’s late. “ He replies.

“ You read the book. “

“ I read the book and all your notes. “

“ That’s good, I uh — have something else for you to read. “

It’s a bundle of papers, no cover art or fancy pictures on the front page. All it says in big bold letters is “ A white Christmas - a story of girl meets boy. “ I hand it to Billy and he looks at me in confusion.

“What’s that ? “

“ That’s the first draft of my book. “

“ You wrote it! “

“ You believed I could so I did. “

“ What’s it about ? “

“ Oh you know, just a girl and a boy and a magical night at the airport. Lots of snow. Lots of kissing. Little bit of magic. “

“ Can’t wait to read it. So, you wanna go see a band ? “

“ They any good ? “

“ Pretty fucking good!”

Darlene Love’s voice echoes through the stereo and for the first time I have to disagree. This feels like Christmas more than any moment before ever did.

And my baby is finally home.

Taglist; [I copied this from @mattysheelies and just added a few new ones, if you wanna be added or deleted from the taglist please let me know]

@sebastiansloserclub ; @killer-queen-xo ; @william-hargroves ; @billysgodcomplex ; @daisyxbuckley ; @allabouthargrove ; @mcrmarvelloki ; @charmed-asylum ; @1998--js ; @naiomiwinchester ; @hargrovesprincess ; @mystrangerfics ; @teafrompari ; @staybruuutal ; @colourado ; @higher-further-faster-bb ; @ayybtch ; @carlaangel86 ; @baebee35

#billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove fanfic #billy hargrove imagines #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fanfic #stranger things imagines #stranger things imagine #12dayswriting

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tslasvegas · 4 years ago

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Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore!

youtube

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge.

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK.

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~)

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

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childofthetheoi · 5 years ago

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my religious journey - hellenic polytheism

this is going to start when i started on the hp path because before that it was a MESS yall. but uuuuh here we go!

edit: uh holy shit this really got away from me - i’m really not kidding when i say i could write books about this stuff. there’s a tl;dr at the bottom

here’s an attention-grabbing summary: my path has had a LOT of bumps and pain and sadness but im in a really good place right now!

okay, so my hp path began when i was 16-17 ish (i’m 22 now). i was raised presbyterian and wasn’t personally christian, but i liked the idea of having something to believe in and help guide my life.

my high school years were some of the darkest of my life second only to freshman year of college, and i felt like i was floundering and needed an anchor. i started thinking about religion, but i just Wasn’t Christian, so that wasn’t a path for me. i had dabbled a little in general paganism, doing some things here and there, so i started turning my attention to the theistic forms of paganism. i followed a lot of people who were very open about their faith, and i think that really helped me feel comfortable with taking the first steps - i wasn’t weird for being pagan.

at first, i looked to the kemetism. i had a lot of interest in it as a kid, so i thought that was as good a place as any to start... but nothing ever really clicked for me. i felt pretty bummed about that, because i was just so desperate for SOMETHING (you’ll find this is a common theme here lmao). so i went back to being unsure, until i started to take a hard look at things that felt powerful to me and special. i’m someone who is incredibly drawn to the ocean and the night sky, but also fire in any form. so, i started looking into those things individually. i’m not really sure how, but i eventually ended up reading a bunch on hellenic polytheism - this is around age 17-18.

nothing still quite felt right that i was reading, but i really liked hekate. i started trying to reach out - i built an altar, made offerings, said prayers, the works. i now do think she was there with me, but i was so caught up on needing Big Signs and Religious Moments that i just discouraged myself when that didn’t happen. i stopped working with hekate at age 19 - i was upset, mostly with myself for my own perceived failures. i went back into sadness and desperation, and continued to read about hellenic polytheism and following blogs on tumblr about it. i was frankly jealous of everyone else, because they seemed to have these intense, special relationships with these deities. i think part of my downfall is that i am an extremely skeptical person - and i tend to be a bit dense and miss the little things. i had (and have, at times!) SO much doubt in me, and i just didn’t see the whole religion thing happening for me.

finally, at the end of 2017 (age 19) i met one of my best and most special friends sarah. i honestly don’t remember how i found out she was a hellenic polytheist, but i don’t think it was until 2018? anyway, i asked her a bunch of questions and was just generally excited to actually meet someone IN REAL LIFE who was pagan like me. she is... a very patient person, and answered any question i asked her (and still does - bless you) about her experiences. something that sarah said off-handedly at one point really changed the game for me.

there’s no right way to do or experience religion. WHAT? i had lived my whole life thinking there was One Right Way to do everything, and she crumbled that impression with just one sentiment. i don’t think i’ve ever actually mentioned this to her - but it really opened me up to realizing that things may turn out right for me, and i’d find where i belong in religion.

i spent a lot of 2018 in a lot of pain and upset about not being able to figure out religion, and it all came down to new year’s. i had been talking for months about wanting to find my place, and a deity (or several) to worship and maybe even dedicate myself to. i told her about how much it hurt to feel like i was lost, searching for my anchor. she did a tarot reading for me about my path, and told me about where i was and where i was going. she told me she felt someone extremely excited to meet me, almost like they were outside a window - pointing and jumping in my direction, and going “I CHOOSE THEM! I WANT THEM!” this absolutely flabbergasted me. a deity, excited about meeting me? excited about having me in their followers? surely that couldn’t be right.

i took this experience to heart, and began trying to reach out and soul search about who could be reaching out. i hit a lot of brick walls, but i kept reminding myself that i was strong, and that it would happen with time if i just kept myself open.

and then it happened. i was in my room, doing a general prayer, basically just talking out loud about how badly i wanted to ‘meet’ this deity. then hermes hit me like a brick wall. i feel like this is a universal experience for people who worship hermes, lmao.

i did a ton of research, started directing my prayers at hermes, and i realized that he was in every facet of my life. i felt him when i worked out, i felt him when i was in class, i felt him on the road, i felt him when i was at my lowest points. and, honestly? he really was excited to have me. i had someone on my side.

i’m not sure i can even begin to put how happy, overjoyed, satisfied, and peaceful i feel now that i have been working with hermes, worshipping him, loving him. his presence in my life is honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and i cannot express how thankful i am for him.

TL;DR: i had an extremely bumpy path throughout my religious life, and when i stopped putting pressure on myself to be perfect, i finally came to the new beginning i was looking for.

if you’re curious about any part of my story, or want to know more about my worship with hermes, or even about random things like how i think my christian upbringing affects my current religious path - PLEASE send them my way! i would love nothing more than to share.

i may make another post soon about more specific things - the things i have experienced working with hermes, my particular relationship with him, my doubt, other things like that in various posts. i’d really like to share more in the future, because i know it’s important to me to try and help others religiously - i pray that my stories can help anyone like others have helped me.

i hope you enjoyed reading this, and maybe it brought some kind of new perspective to your worship or your path ♥

#hermes #hermes*#hermesdeity #hellenic polytheist #hellenic polytheism #hellenic pagan #hellenic witch #paganism #theoi worship #theoi #mine

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athyrabunlord · 7 years ago

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LLSHP 14 - Farewell

Arc1: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7]

Arc2: [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10] [Chapter 11] [Chapter 12] [Chapter 13] [Chapter 14]

Arc3: [Chapter 15] [Chapter 16] [Chapter 17] [Chapter 18 - sanguinem pudicitia (TBD)]

Interludes: [Carbonado (1)] [Carbonado (2)] [Of Feathers and Wind] [Delphinus (teaser blip)]

[Brief note about School Term] [other LLSHP AU stuff] [YohaMaRuby concept arts] [ChikaYouRiko concept arts] [KanaDiaMari concept arts] [Hogwarts Staff]

[FFN link] (up until ch14!) [Pixiv Link] [Translated to Chinese by plin2290]

A/N: Sorry this took over a month! The last chapter was a horrible cliffhanger XD;; Well, issues IRL make it hard to write. Yoshiko’s state of mind is hard to portray as well sigh. Anyway, this is the last chapter of Arc2. Before moving onto Arc3 (which is also the last arc of this story), I will be writing another Interlude, to fill in some blanks and to transition into Arc3. As always, thanks for reading and the support! Hope you’ll enjoy this chapter! Words: 5,717

Yoshiko could only stare in horror as the wand pieces slowly fall from Hanamaru’s loose hands, landing with a soft thud that echoes rather loudly in her ears. The brunette just stands there, her gaze lost and her face pale.

Even though Immobulus has lifted due to the broken wand, Yoshiko still couldn’t move. Numb, she glances between the girl and the two halves of the now useless wooden stick.

“You foolish human.”

Hanamaru’s eyes widen a fraction when a dark-colored spell strikes her in the back. Like a marionette with its strings cut off, she slumps sideways in a heap.

Snapped out of her daze, Yoshiko hurries forward and gathers the petite girl in her arms, though she keeps her wand warily pointed at the smirking Yohane.

“Hanamaru-! Hanamaru!! Can you hear me? Hanamaru!”

After a few frantic shakes, Hanamaru languidly opens her eyes and moans in pain. Her gaze is unfocused and her breathing is rather shallow and strained. “C-Cold… cold… nngh…”

“Hanamaru!”

Yoshiko grasps for her hand, blanching at how cold her skin is. When she gently caresses Hanamaru’s cheek, she notices how alarmingly hot it feels in contrast.

“What did you do to her!”

“Hmm, something similar to what I did to that blonde girl, except this time it’s a bull’s eye.” Yohane appears quite pleased. “Good to know it does work.”

Yoshiko recalls the Moonstruck incident, of how Mari was unable to utilize magic and had taken a while to recover her strength. Wandless and now hit by this unknown Curse, what does this mean for Hanamaru?

Though filled with rage, Yoshiko could not utter any incantation to attack Yohane. The winged girl tilts her head and smiles prettily, her gaze condescending as if daring her to attack and scorning her for her weakness.

“You’re useless, both of you.”

Yoshiko trembles in anger, her magic sparkling at the tip of her wand yet her parched throat still refuses to cooperate.

“It’s okay though. I was once just as powerless as you are, so disgustingly useless.” There’s pity, perhaps even sympathy in Yohane’s soft voice, and it sickens Yoshiko to her core. “But then I learned and grew up. You see, the two of you are hindered by mortal emotions. The same goes for Lily and the Kurosawa heiress. They brought their own downfall.”

“How dare you-!” Yoshiko snarls, this time successfully firing a Diffindo at her adversary. However, just as expected, Yohane blocks the Severing Charm with her wing. None of the feathers are ruffled, remaining as impeccable and glossy as ever. She continues speaking as if a potentially fatal spell hasn’t been sent to her.

“I must say I’m disappointed in Hanamaru. She has such potential! I thought she was worthy to be by my side. Alas, it appears that she has chosen you,” Yohane narrows her eyes, her tone dropping to a venomous octave. “How dare a little demon betray her master!?”

Maybe it is instincts, or her intangible connection to Yohane, for Yoshiko senses her intent the moment Riko’s wand is pointed at Hanamaru. Frantic, Yoshiko pushes the defenseless girl behind her and spreads her arms wide just as Yohane fires the terrible Curse.

“Crucio!”

She screams.

It’s pure agony.

Nothing can compare.

Her nerves are on fire.

Her mind is blank and she couldn’t think.

Not even to pray for the pain to stop.

It only lasts a few seconds, but the aftermaths still cause excruciating stings to travel up and down her limbs. She is vaguely aware of being half-curled up on the ground, her wide eyes staring at the spinning ceiling. As she struggles to breathe, she barely hears Yohane’s contemplative voice.

“...it’s freakish hearing my own voice screaming. Perhaps I’m not as detached as I thought, still hindered by mortal emotions. I’ve spoken too much to you already because I took pity on your ignorance...”

Quivering, Yoshiko manages to roll onto her back and peers weakly at Hanamaru’s prone form. Is this it? This is what Chika, You and Riko had felt, struck by this torture Curse? Riko was right in Obliviating them back then. It’s better off not remembering anything if only to escape such agony. But how about Riko? How will she recover… if ever?

Tears slide down her cheeks in streams, though she isn’t quite sure why she is crying. From the pain? From self-pity? From… guilt?

Even though Yohane is the one ultimately making her friends suffer, Yoshiko feels just as much blame. And, in a way, her existence causes Yohane to become the way she is too.

What should she do?

What can she do?

Before Hanamaru broke her own wand, Yoshiko’s goal had been to save her but how could she do that now-?

“I don’t want your blood on my hands, so I’ve made my choice,” Yohane says suddenly and stretches her wings wide.

Under the dim light of the Chamber of Secrets, surrounded by darkness and faint silhouettes of wall carvings and ornaments, Yohane truly looks every inch of the charismatic fallen angel that Yoshiko once aspired to become. Shadows begin to descend upon them, hovering closer and closer as they follow Yohane’s command.

Shivering, Yoshiko notices that her breaths are coming out in white puffs, for the temperature around them has dropped drastically. Before, her body was seized in fatigue but as the cloaked figures glide towards her, she understands that it is sheer terror that paralyzes her.

Dementors.

“Consider this my last concession towards you two.” Yoshiko could not see the winged girl’s expression but she could hear the complacency in her tone. “They should be familiar, no? Don’t worry, it’ll be painless, and it’ll be over within moments. Your souls shall forever become part of them, and thus part of my legion. Is that not wonderful?”

Yoshiko twitches feebly, her hand desperately reaching for Hanamaru’s. The brunette’s hoarse whimpering feels like continuous stabs to her heart, especially because she couldn’t do a goddamn thing to protect her.

Her vision flickers in and out of focus until only tunnel vision remains. Instead of the ceiling, she’s watching her memories flash by one by one in reverse.

And only the bad ones.

Riko lying motionlessly in the basement of the Hut; the werewolf’s trapped body; the tendrils oozing out of her hand and slashing at Kanan’s Animagus form-

“What’s she doing again?”

“Some black magic ritual… seriously, what’s wrong with her?”

“Junior high students shouldn’t be doing stupid stuff like this.”

“She calls herself a fallen angel, hahaha! Probably watches too much anime!”

Yoshiko holds up her head high, ignoring their whispered conversations, snickers and any odd looks. Her classmates are the foolish ones. They have no idea what she’s capable of! Ku ku ku, she’ll show them! Compared to the series of misfortunes she’s experienced, bullying means nothing!

...yeah, it doesn’t affect her at all.

“Now now, there is no such thing as magic, angels and all that. Tsushima-san, you must have been hallucinating. Cups don’t move on their own.”

The psychiatrist’s patronizing smile only irritates Yoshiko. Alas, the ten-year-old could only glare at the adult, who shakes his head at her lack of response.

“You’re a bright kid, from what I can see from your assessments. I can only hope this is a phase and you’ll grow out of it.”

Yoshiko huffs. Oh she’s tried to be ‘normal’ like every other kid, but the feeling of ‘wrong’ is just so pervasive that she has to trust her instincts. She’s not hurting anyone, so why can’t she just be herself?

“What did you do?”

The matron’s panicked voice makes Yoshiko want to flee too, but the six-year-old could only sit there and stare at the empty space where the stool’s leg once stands. She then tilts her head and claps her hands proudly.

“Look, I have special powers! Hehe, I really am an angel!”

Her smile drops at the matron’s somber expression. Did she do something she’s not supposed to do? But she’s been a good girl, following rules and always on her best behavior…

“W-Why are you crying?!”

“Uuuaaa! Yoshiko-chan is going to disappear! Uuuaaa!”

“What!? No I’m not! What makes you think that?”

“Y-You said y-you’re going to -hic- return to the -hic- sky! I-I’m not an angel, so I can’t -hic- go with you!”

“What? That’s silly. You’re silly, Zuramaru.”

“What -hic- do you mean?”

“When I return to the sky, I’ll bring you with me, duh! So stop crying already.”

The pudgy-cheeked brunette rubs her eyes and beams up at Yoshiko. “Promise?”

“Promise!” The two small five-year-olds lock their pinkie fingers, giggling as they resume playing at the monkey bars and slide.

Right, Hanamaru’s always believed in her… but, is this her memory, or Yohane’s? Yoshiko doesn’t know anymore. She reviews the memory in a detached manner, both fascinated and saddened by the scene before her.

The petite brunette was always by herself at the playground, engrossed in the thick books she brought every time her grandparents dropped her off by the bench. The other kids would only give her curious glances but not once invited the quiet girl to their games. Yoshiko decided to approach her one random day, having failed in recruiting any of the other kids. None of them believed that she was an angel, so maybe this girl would?

“Whatcha reading?”

The ochre-eyed girl jolts and peers at her shyly, probably not expecting anyone to talk to her. After Yoshiko takes a seat beside her, she relaxes slightly and gives her a friendly smile. “An encyclopedia zura!”

“En-sy-klo-wut?” Yoshiko leans close, frowning at the big paragraphs and terms she couldn’t even pronounce, let alone understand. At least, those colored pictures look cool!

“It’s like a collection of information about various subjects zura,” the small girl looks happy at her interest. “Would you like to read with me? I’m on the chapter about the Earth’s core zura!”

Shrugging, Yoshiko then found herself spending the rest of the day with this girl, who had the weirdest dialect. It was fun though, looking at the pictures and learning about stuff like volcanoes and earthquakes and tsunamis. Through the girl’s helpful explanations, Yoshiko now understood why these natural disasters happened, and how land only made up a small portion of the world.

“Wow, so we live… on a planet… that’s mostly water?”

“Yup! The oceans are huuuuuge zura!” The girl spread her arms wide, her eyes sparkling. “And deep too! There are many places people haven’t explored yet! Look at this zura!”

Yoshiko stared at the odd-looking fish on the page. It was bony and, frankly, ugly. At least, next to the toothy monster called ‘Anglerfish’ or something, this deep-sea fish looked more dignified. After reading a bit more, she became more attached to this odd ‘living fossil’. Apparently, its kind has lived in this world for millions of years! How incredible!

“I’ve decided, this SHIIRA-KANSU is gonna be my little demon!”

“Littoru...deh...mon?”

Yoshiko flustered. She wasn’t prepared to introduce the concept to the girl yet. She thought of herself as an angel but she’s also considered the possibility of being an angel trapped in the mortal world. That was why she needed to recruit followers and minions, her little demons, to help her return to where she should be.

The question was, how could she explain all that to this girl without getting shunned like everyone else did?

To her surprise, the brunette gave her a big smile. “That’s pretty cool! Tell me more zura! I like good stories!”

At least, she seemed to think it was a story. Only a fine line existed between fiction and nonfiction, so there was hope to recruit her! Grinning, Yoshiko spent the rest of the afternoon running around the playground with the giggling girl. They made up more and more aquatic characters to join the coelacanth, drawing them in the sand with sticks. “Shiira~” “Kansu!” “Shiira~” “Kansu!”

They danced and chanted. It was the most fun the two little girls ever had.

Hanamaru was her first friend.

Whether this memory was hers or not, this feeling of pure joy was real.

Yoshiko could feel strength and a bit of warmth returning to her body. By concentrating her mind on this positive feeling, her senses are no longer muddled and she could think again. She doesn’t remember the specifics, and she certainly doesn’t remember where and why the Dementor attacked them when they were so little.

But she is certain of this feeling. Her first friend, and now…

She painstakingly sits up and grasps for her wand. “I may have fallen, but I’m not as far gone as you are.”

Yohane quirks an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Oh?”

Yoshiko smiles serenely. “I will protect the girl I love, and rid you from her world.”

The fallen angel scoffs and flicks Riko’s wand. A Dementor raises its bony, rotten hand towards Yoshiko, and she could feel those depressing memories resume clawing at the edges of her vision. She takes a deep breath and focuses her thoughts on Hanamaru and Hanamaru only.

Her hand is surprisingly steady as she points her wand at the atrocious creature. “Expecto patronum!!”

There’s a burst of light, causing the Dementors to reel back with raspy shrieks that sound more like sandpaper dragging against another. A silver fish, just as bony yet noble as the one from the illustration, elegantly swims across the air. Wisps of light flutter behind it like waves and the tidal wave of its magic forces the Dementors to retreat. The coelacanth gives chase, its relatively small size belying its tremendous power as it shoots across the air like a torpedo.

The silver waves around it give off an illusion of a hungry shark chasing after its preys. The Dementors, seemingly anxious to avoid getting in contact with the light, have no choice but to flee entirely.

The coelacanth then swims towards the small ball of fur, gently enshrouding the unconscious bat in a veil of silver light. Wordlessly, Yoshiko uses a Charm to summon Lucifer towards her and gingerly places her little demon beside Hanamaru. The brunette’s breathing has evened out and she is no longer trembling.

As if in a trance, Yoshiko holds out her hand towards the approaching coelacanth, the tip of her finger touching its translucent head. It is surreal, that she’s finally able to cast a corporeal Patronus and actually fight off the Dementors.

“Thank you, Shiirakansu.”

The Patronus is conjured from the memory of her feelings for Hanamaru after all.

“H-How? How are you able to cast the Patronus-?” For the first time since their encounter, Yohane’s composure has cracked. Fear flickers in those narrowed red eyes as she raises the sakura wand defensively. “How could you, when I can’t-?”

“I don’t know,” Yoshiko murmurs, still wrapped in the sensation of floating even though her feet are rooted on the ground. “But… maybe, it’s because I love her.”

Yohane’s expression contorts to something that could only be described as Devil-like, so full of hatred and murderous intent. She flaps her wings, sending powerful gusts towards them as she springs into the air.

Before she could make the next move, the coelacanth suddenly charges towards her. The Patronus tears through Yohane’s left wing despite being impenetrable under all those spells earlier. At the same moment, it feels as if a sledgehammer strikes Yoshiko in the left chest.

She collapses on her knees, clutching her heart, while Yohane plummets to the ground and groans in pain. She could feel her strength waning, similar to how she almost lost consciousness from when the Dementors appeared, yet it also feels different in a frightening way.

Something drips onto her hand and it takes her a moment to register what the dark liquid is.

Blood.

Yohane looks just as shocked as Yoshiko, glancing between her damaged wing and the blood trickling out of the latter’s nose. Tendrils of black magic attempt to fix the gaping hole in her left wing but to no avail.

“... if either of us gets injured, the other cannot escape unscathed either huh…” Yohane’s voice is rather shaky, her face pale as if unable to accept such revelation.

On the other hand, Yoshiko feels strangely calm as she stares at the blood in her palm in morbid fascination. She’s supposed to be a matured Horcrux, an entity that was once just a quill pen, yet she was given a chance to experience a human’s life.

Since she’s not a human in the first place, why be fearful of death? Now, she has the power to protect Hanamaru, so she has nothing to be scared of anymore. If wiping out her existence can defeat Yohane, to cause the Fallen’s downfall, then that’s a rather cheap price to pay. This way, her friends would no longer suffer, and there will be no more danger to Hanamaru and the others.

This way, she could atone for Father and Mother’s deaths.

Grim determination fuels her exhausted body as she raises her wand once more. She pours all of her magic into her Patronus, causing it to shimmer even brighter than ever.

“Farewell, datenshi Yohane.”

“No...no! Don’t come near me!” Yohane snarls desperately, dissolving her feathered wings into a black mist of raw magic before directing it to intercept the coelacanth’s dive.

The collision causes a terrible explosion that sends the two girls flying. Yoshiko barely registers crashing against the wall, no longer feeling pain or any other senses for that matter. Her consciousness is starting to drift away again.

Before that blissful oblivion could claim her, Yohane’s distorted voice reverberates in her mind and squashes her hope for ending this once and for all.

“We’ll meet again. Yoshiko. Next time, I won’t be so careless. Next time, I won’t be so soft… I will reclaim you, one way or another.”

Yoshiko passes out with a wry smile on her face.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

She wakes up to the sensation of terrible fatigue weighing down her limbs.

Opening her eyes alone seems to drain her, and she musters all her willpower to keep her mind from floating away. The acrid smell of blood no longer fills her nostrils; instead, she is soothed by the fresh scent of clean linen and sweet fragrance of potions. Though her vision is limited, she deduces that she is in the Hospital Wing.

Ah, she is still alive, somehow.

“Y-Yoshiko-chan!”

She feels oddly detached even as Ruby appears in her vision, followed by Chika and You with Mari and Kanan close behind. She should feel relieved and happy to see her friends, yet there’s a void in her emotions. Perhaps she’s simply tired from everything.

She should be disconcerted by her lack of emotion, but she isn’t. She doesn’t care about herself anymore, really, but she doesn’t want her friends to worry either. She closes her eyes wearily for a few moments before opening them again, vowing to at least try to act normal.

“Can you hear us?” Ruby gingerly reaches for Yoshiko’s hand, smiling when the latter weakly squeezes back. “Y-You recognize us, right?”

Yoshiko nods slowly, unable to speak due to how dry her throat feels. Noticing her discomfort, Ruby hastily helps her sit up and summons a glass of water.

“You’ve been unconscious for a whole day,” Mari says grimly, and the bags under their eyes imply they probably have not slept since.

Though touched by their concern, Yoshiko’s mind couldn’t seem to grasp at that gratitude and soon she feels like a hollow husk again. She drinks the water mechanically, if only for the sake of being able to speak.

“...where… Hana...maru…”

Kanan gestures at the neighboring bed and, with Ruby’s help, Yoshiko is able to see Hanamaru’s sleeping form, tucked snuggly under the blanket. She looks unharmed, and the small cut on her cheek must have been long healed by the school’s matron.

Under Yoshiko’s questioning gaze, You elaborates with a shaky sigh. “Chika-chan and I found you two in the abandoned lavatory. When we left St. Mungo’s and returned here, we looked all over the school for you, but neither of you was in your House’s Dorms. The Room of Requirement aside, we could only think of that lavatory and…”

“You were both covered in rubble and have many bruises and cuts all over,” Chika leans forward, her eyes damp. “T-There was blood on you, but Madam assured us that you’re both physically fine. S-She healed your wounds.”

“And where… she-?”

“She was here until moments ago, summoned away by a staff meeting. We promised her to look after you two. We also found your bat. Madam healed it as well…” You trails off, pointing at creature hanging upside down on the chandelier. Lucifer keeps its distance, though it does let out a scratchy bark as if in greeting.

Yoshiko smiles and is puzzled when the feeling of relief stays. Then again, Lucifer is connected to her like nothing else.

They’re both Horcruxes after all, Lucifer being a failed experiment and her being an unwanted but successful one. Yoshiko cringes and bites down on her lip to repress the urge to throw up. The others exchange worried looks at that.

“Just what h-happened, Yoshiko-chan?” Ruby then holds out the broken halves of Hanamaru’s wand, her voice wavering. “Madam almost wanted to send you to St. Mungo’s because her Diagnosis Charm d-detected traces of a powerful Curse that was cast on you.”

Yoshiko lowers her head, almost wanting to hide somewhere so that she could be alone and not deal with all this. She still doesn’t fully understand most of what happened down in the Chamber of Secrets. Or, rather, she cannot accept anything even though deep down, she knows that it’s the truth, as painful as it is. For someone who just regained consciousness, she is surprised by the clarity of her memories.

I can’t forget even if I wanted to huh?

One glance at her friends’ anxious expressions convinces her otherwise. She owes them that much.

“...it was the Cruciatus Curse...”

Under their horrified faces, Yoshiko begins to retell the events in the Chamber except she omits some facts. She cannot bring herself to reveal Yohane’s identity and the whole matter of Horcrux; instead, she just vaguely mentions that the enemy is a Slytherin descendant whose face was hidden from view by a mask. She wants to talk to Hanamaru first before sharing the whole story with the others. Hanamaru probably doesn’t want anyone to know that she’s been under the Imperius Curse, if she even remembers that part.

Besides, if that Curse really did work like Muggle hypnotism as Yohane said, then what were the instances that Hanamaru was under its influence and wasn’t?

Yoshiko doesn’t dare to think how this would affect their relationship.

Being a matured Horcrux or whatever, she has these human feelings. She does love Hanamaru, she has no doubt about that, and honestly, this is the only emotion that’s keeping her from breaking down in self-pity and self-loathing.

Hmn, what would her friends do if they know what she really is?

In the end, even here in the world of magic, she is still an abomination. How ironic.

“... and somehow my Patronus Charm worked on the witch’s feathered wings and, I lose consciousness afterward so I don’t know how and who got Hanamaru and me up from the Chamber.”

Silence greets her after her condensed story, and Yoshiko notices that her friends appear to be absorbing her tale. Mari looks understandably concerned about Hanamaru’s health, having been hit by that unknown spell before, while You and Chika have a murmured conversation about how the lavatory looked undisturbed, meaning someone must have closed the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets before their arrival.

Only Yohane could have possibly done that as a Parseltongue. But why did she not take her or Hanamaru when she fled?

Yoshiko rubs her temple. There’s no point in figuring out her motive. It’s more important to decide on what their next step should be, considering everything that has happened over the span of merely two days.

It was all too much.

“So… where is Dia-san? Is she still at the hospital with Lily?”

At this, Kanan actually growls and might have changed to her Animagus form if Mari hadn’t kept a vice grip on her shoulder. The blonde’s scowl, however, is just as dark as the ponytailed witch’s.

“Riko-chan is under magically-induced coma to help heal her mind,” You says dully, her hand whimsically patting Chika’s back when the latter leans against her with a sad frown. “It’s the most the Healers could do, considering how m-many times she was h-hit with that Curse…”

Yoshiko swallows hard, feeling nauseous again. There’s nothing they could do except believe in the Healers.

“And Onee-chan is…” Ruby’s subconsciously tightens her grip on Yoshiko’s hand. “She’s considered the prime suspect behind what happened to Riko-san.”

“What?!” Though fatigued, Yoshiko gladly embraces this burst of anger since it is better than that quagmire of depression.

“The Professors all spoke on Onee-chan’s behalf, the House of Slytherin and other students too. But, from the official s-side of things, we all do seem very suspicious. We just happened to be near the Shack and at Hogsmeade during the Moonstruck incident, and then how Onee-chan discovered Riko-san in the middle of nowhere, and now y-you and Hanamaru-chan, in the abandoned lavatory...”

Kanan’s fists are clenched. “And the fact we all seem unwilling to divulge details. Of course we can’t, we don’t know what we say may or may not affect Riko-chan. Each of us has already been questioned by the investigators, but just as expected, they suspect that we’re not telling the whole truth.”

“But Dia protected us. She took any blame and redirected any suspicion towards herself. She is not a Minor anymore and is treated as the heiress and a full Pureblood adult who will eventually be granted a seat in the Wizengamot, so they could not exactly arrest her without trial. We think it’s only due to the Kurosawa name that the Ministry officials are prevented from using the Veritaserum. È solo che è così ridicolo!” Mari then continues to mutter in Italian, which is most likely swear words.

“At least, our family name is able to protect her to an extent,” Ruby lets out a quiet chuckle. It’s a rather disconcerting, cold sound. “But it’s not for Onee-chan’s own good, but for the sake of our family prestige.”

“Those fucking geezers. They didn’t take Dia’s relationship with Rikocchi well.”

“Even though the carbonado necklace is damning evidence,” Kanan pauses thoughtfully. “Come to think of it, I don’t think Riko-chan’s parents said anything about it…”

“Either way, our family is trying to suppress as much news as possible, while keeping Onee-chan under house arrest. In fact, she’s already been withdrawn from Hogwarts for an undetermined time.”

Yoshiko stares at Ruby blankly. The younger Kurosawa gives her a slight nod, though the gesture seems to be more for herself than for her friend. Yoshiko then glances at Mari, You, Chika and Kanan, who all share the same helpless and weary looks.

The world out there is not nice. Hogwarts has been like a shelter for the teenagers, for the students, but the society is cruel and unforgiving to those who step into adulthood. Magic is a wonderful thing, and they’re supposed to be having and enjoying their first year at Hogwarts, yet…

The Christmas Banquet almost feels like a long time ago, even though it actually only took place two months ago.

“So… it’s come to do this, huh?”

Mari exhales shakily. “For the next while, we will be monitored closely - we would still have freedom as any other students, but meeting up in the Room of Requirement or anywhere else would be impossible now. This is already more than we could’ve asked for. It’s only Dia’s… sacrifice and the Professors’ words that prevent us from being under constant escort and daily detention-”

“But we didn’t do anything wrong! Why!? Why should we be punished?!”

You and Chika nod in agreement, but Kanan shakes her head grimly. “We still broke the rules. We left school grounds outside of curfew, for starters. It’s… the school’s way of trying to protect us, to keep us out of trouble from now on. As horrible as it was, the fact that you and Maru were discovered unconscious and injured is the leverage that the staff used to convince the Ministry otherwise. We are the victims.”

“And we really are!” The angrier Yoshiko feels, the more tired she becomes and all she wants to do is pass out and hope that everything would be back to normal by the time she wakes up. Alas, she knows that would never happen, and thus she struggles to stay awake. “I still can’t believe they’d do that to Dia-san…”

“Me neither. But, this will only be temporary. I’ll definitely figure out a way to help Onee-chan.” In spite of her meek countenance, Ruby’s voice is hard like steel.

Chika gives her a supportive pat on the shoulder. “Of course, Ruby-chan. We won’t let things stay like this.”

“That’s the spirit,” Kanan also pats Ruby’s head while You gives her a salute. “For the time being, we need to focus on recovering and get things back in order. From what you’ve told us, Yoshiko, it sounds like the enemies will be keeping a low profile for a while too.”

“We will be ready next time,” Mari’s grin is predatory. “They’ll regret in underestimating us.”

Normally, Yoshiko would have joined them in their resolute vow and rely on this positive energy to recuperate spiritually. However, she could only think about what would happen when this so-called ‘next time’ comes.

Yoshiko forces a small smile on her face. No, she’s already made up her mind. Her fate is inconsequential as long as she can bring down Yohane and the Fallen. As long as her friends are safe.

As long as Hanamaru is okay...

“...mnnn…”

“Maru?” Being the first to notice the slight movement, Kanan hurries to the other bed to check up on the brunette.

“Hanamaru-chan! You’re a-awake!” Ruby smiles tearfully but glances between her two friends, uncertain whether to leave Yoshiko’s side or go check up on the other girl.

“Ruby, I want to see her.”

“But Yoshiko-chan, you’re still-”

“Please.”

After sharing an understanding look, You and Chika help her get up and keep her supported as they all gather around the brunette. Mari quickly sends off her Patronus to alert the matron and proceeds to cast a simple Diagnostic Charm on Hanamaru in the meantime.

“Just low on energy but overall she seems okay,” Mari sighs in relief. “Of course, we should wait for the matron for a proper check-up.”

Ruby glances at Yoshiko, as if waiting for her to speak first but the latter shakes her head and gives her a weak nudge. Though puzzled, Ruby nods and turns towards Hanamaru.

“How are you f-feeling, Hanamaru-chan? Can you hear me? Do you r-recognize us?”

Yoshiko stares at the petite girl closely for any sign of discomfort. Hanamaru appears groggy still, her body limp as Kanan gently helps her sit up and lean against the pillow. Smiling feebly at them, she is about to say something when she begins to cough.

“Could I… water-?”

Similar to earlier with Yoshiko, Ruby hastily summons a glass of water and holds it towards her friend.

However, she almost drops it at Hanamaru’s reaction.

“M-Mirai zura!”

“Eh?”

“The glass just flew! How did you do that zura?”

Yoshiko could feel her heart dropping.

Ruby’s face is pale and Chika’s eyes are wide in shock, while Kanan and Mari exchange nervous glances. You lets out a strained chuckle. “Aw, come on, Hanamaru-chan, that’s just the Summoning Charm…”

The brunette tilts her head, her ochre eyes glimmering with fascination. “Charm? You mean magic? Ooh, so this is how you cast a spell zura!”

Yoshiko could feel her throat clog up.

“H-Hanamaru-chan, do you not r-remember us?” Ruby holds her friend’s hand desperately, her voice shaking.

Hanamaru blinks and winces a bit, looking even smaller on the big bed and under the thick blanket. “I-I… no… t-this is the first t-time I’ve met you all zura…”

Yoshiko could feel her heart clench in pain, comparable to that of a Cruciatus Curse.

“Maru, what do you remember then-? D-Do you,” Kanan swallows hard, gazing at the smaller girl hopefully. “At least remember how you got here?”

Mari wraps a comforting arm around Ruby’s shoulder, pulling the frozen girl against her. “This is Hogwarts, the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You seem to know the concept of magic at least…”

“Erm, yes, I-I got a letter and…” Hanamaru shrinks even more, the previous sparkle in her eyes now replaced by confusion and anxiousness. “I packed many luggages-? M-My grandparents d-didn’t want me to leave b-but they said they a-also understood z-zura. Oh, I live in a temple, so we weren’t too surprised that a school of magic exist zura! Well, it was still shocking but a-according to the witch w-who took me t-to buy supplies and my wand, w-we took the news pretty well zura, compared to other Muggleborns, um…”

She looks at them helplessly, her small hands gripping the blanket.

“W-What happened to me zura?”

Yoshiko could fee her eyes sting as she leans on the bed, nearly hyperventilating. She could feel You and Chika attempting to support her but she can’t find the strength to even try anymore.

Then, a familiar hand is caressing her back as if to ease her ragged breathing.

“Are you okay zura? M-Maybe you should be resting?”

Yoshiko peers up at Hanamaru’s soft smile in disbelief, her heart cracking from the girl’s unconditional concern.

You should be the one in distress! Why are you comforting me-? Why… why did this happen? Why you? Why?!

She allows herself to be pulled into Hanamaru’s arms as tears slide down her cheeks and sobs shake her body. She burrows her face against the crook of the brunette’s neck, indulging in her scent and warmth for one last time.

After all, in a way, this is farewell.

#athyra writes #LLSHP AU #yoshimaru #datenshi yohane #finally finished *cry #actually made it to the end of Arc2_(:3 」∠)_#very thankful to people who stay and stick with me DX #but yeah a wrap-up chapter and still lots of things happening #some questions are meant to remain unanswered but you're welcome to speculate #difficult chapter to write for many reasons ofc #diariko #aqours is no longer a group of 9 #please look forward to arc3 #ah but first the Interlude #something light hearted after all the angst and intense stuff

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callmestp · 7 years ago

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Tagged?

Tagged by @glassestouchdown. Thanks for considering me! It’s been ages since I’ve been tagged on anything (big surprise there), and I like thinking up answers to the questions.

Rules:

1. Post these rules

2. Answer the questions given by the tagger

3. Write 11 questions of your own

4. Tag 11 people!

1. If you could change just one thing about the world what would it be? To take some lyrics from the Creed song “Higher”: “The only difference is to let love replace all the hate.” And that would be it. Christ asked his followers to love their enemies and pray for those who would injure or persecute them (Matthew 5:44). And 1 Peter 4:8 states that love covers over a multitude of sins. Many other problems in this world, I feel, would be resolved in a few generations if people stopped their hate and loved instead.

2. Name a song that regularly gets stuck in your head. A song that has been stuck in my head lately is “Come for Us” by Evan Wickham. You can listen to it here: https://youtu.be/Jen0s9V4e5Y A friend of mine called the melody “majestic” and I’m inclined to agree.

3. What was the last movie you watched at the cinema and what did you think of it? That would be “American Made,” starring Tom Cruise. I was surprised to find out that it was based on a true story. I had known of the historical events mentioned in the film -- the drug cartels in Colombia, the Sandinistas in Central America and the Contras fighting against them -- but didn’t realize there was one person who was getting involved in all those areas.

4. If you could take some time off and just go study in a foreign country for a while, what would you study and where? I had to think about this one for a bit, but then the answer hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. If I could go abroad to study something, it would be to Israel, especially Jerusalem. It’s such a hub of cultures, and it’s steeped with history, Biblical and otherwise. Part of the reason I would go, would be as a pilgrimage to see the places where Christ lived and taught, and where he met His end.

5. What’s a skill that you don’t have at the moment that you would like to have? There are several ways I can approach this question. I can think of it in terms of a skill I would like to have but don’t really need, or a skill I really ought to have. In terms of a skill I’d like to have, I’d like to know how to play certain instruments: a steel guitar, a steel drum, and a church organ. In terms of a skill I ought to have, it would be public speaking. (It’s difficult for me to think up responses on the fly, making spoken conversation awkward for me.)

6. Who is the first fictional character that you felt really connected to, and who you still feel connected to today? It’s possible that there may have been someone different when I was younger, but in terms of what I can remember today: Sonic the Hedgehog was a video game character I connected to, from the first time I played one of his games, ca. 1996. Without saying any words, I saw someone with a sense of adventure, traveling all over the place, fighting for what he thought was right. I’m still a fan of the franchise and I still enjoy Sonic, but with all the other characters that have since been added to the cast, I adore the ancient Tikal the Echidna. She was a girl after my own heart: spiritual, compassionate, nurturing, almost motherly.

In terms of something a little more contemporary, I quickly gravitated to Toriel Dreemurr in the 2015 video game Undertale. I saw an older woman with a good heart, compassionate, protective (almost to a fault), left alone to wither away in the Ruins with only a few small monsters for company. I felt so bad when I had to leave Toriel behind, and nearly cried when she hugged me and walked away. Thankfully, in the Pacifist story arc, she got a chance to fulfill her dream of becoming a schoolteacher.

7. Are there any particular types of stories that you find yourself always drawn towards? I enjoy mystery stories, trying to piece together the clues before the protagonists can. I also really enjoy underdog stories, where one or more “small time” people work to achieve what others would have dismissed as impossible. These are probably why I love the movie Zootopia so much.

8. If you could meet a fictional character and spend a day with them, who would it be and what would you do together? To build upon my answer to question 7, I would like to meet and spend a day with Judy Hopps from Zootopia. Though the movie shows a bit of her back story, I’d love seeing a day in her life right now: how things are going with her partner Nick, how she’s treated by Chief Bogo and the other cops at the ZPD now that she’s definitively proven her worth, and how she spends her free time away from work. I’d also ask for more of her back story: exactly what age she decided she wanted to be a cop, what she did in pursuit of her dream between ages 9 and 24, and whether she’d have done anything different with her life if she had the chance.

9. What are three things you would never want to go without? Family, the Bible, and a means to connect with other people.

10. List three things about yourself that you take pride in. I hesitate to use the term “pride” because, while it’s good to have a moderate degree of self-esteem, runaway pride can be one’s downfall. But in terms of things in my life that I’m glad are true:

A. I earned my Professional Engineering license in 2015. By far, that is my crowning achievement in my career. I’ve been wanting that ever since I was in college, and I put in the long hours for 6 months, studying for that eight-hour exam. And I certainly make use of that license in my job, though sometimes I get the feeling that it’s being taken for granted.

B. Since 2011, I’ve been able to express my ideas through creative writing. If I remember right, I’ve completed 11 fan fictions (plus one currently in progress). The writing has gotten progressively better (and usually longer) with every new story I compose. Regrettably, I’ve made little progress in this area during 2017, for all the other demands being made on my free time.

C. I’m glad that I’m at a point in my life where my circumstances are stable enough that I can help out others in need, whether that’s offering my time or my financial resources. For years, my sister has come to me for help on her university coursework, and this week, I learned that she trusts no one else (not even her own classmates) to give her advice and support she needs to succeed. I suppose I’m a victim of my own success, but still, for someone to actually say that I am valued that much...

11. What are you looking forward to in 2018? I am looking for a change in my life for the better. As of right now, every day, my evenings and weekends are occupied by one of three things: I’m either working late into the night (as part of my job’s on-call rotation), filling out applications for a new job, or helping my sister. If I was to get a new job -- and by tomorrow, I pray that some very good news is coming my way -- it would remove two of those three drains on my time. Thinking more long-term, moving into a new apartment closer to where (I hope) my new job is located, because this apartment has all the memories associated with my current employer. And maybe I can even work on other areas of my life I’ve been neglecting: finding friends, maybe even getting into a relationship.

The following questions are what I’m writing for this assignment.

1. If you could change one thing about yourself, whether it’s your body, your mind, or your life, what would it be?

2. (This is a morbid question, but it’s been on my mind since All Saints’ Sunday) If you died tomorrow, who do you think would attend your funeral? What do you think people would say about you, good or bad, if they were being honest?

3. Name your favorite thing about where you live right now. This could be in reference to your actual dwelling place, or the geographic location thereof.

4. What was something you had said or done when you were younger, that you now look back on and cringe?

5. Name your favorite hobby, and briefly explain what got you interested in it.

6. Your Tumblr blog: how’d you come up with the name? How long have you maintained it? Have you ever moved or changed names on Tumblr, and if so, what was the reason?

7. Christ Jesus once said that wherever your treasure lies, your heart will be there also (Matthew 6:21). What is it that you treasure most in your life?

8. If you could step into the life of any other person, living or dead, for 24 hours, who would it be, and what would you do with the time?

9. Describe your preferred platform for video games. Why do you prefer that platform over others?

10. If you had the option to be born into any time period, any place, where/when would it be and why?

11. What would be your thoughts of a world where humans co-existed on Earth with some sort of non-human sentient beings? They could be existing Earth species (feral or anthropomorphic), they could be extraterrestrials, or they could be non-organic robots.

Usually, for me, the most difficult portion of this activity is finding people to tag. On Tumblr and elsewhere, I tend to be a dead-end for most content. I don’t follow many blogs. Many are run by bots, and the ones that aren’t, I don’t know their authors personally. The only blog I follow, whose author I know, would be @glassestouchdown, and for that, all she would have to do is answer my written questions. Of course, anyone reading this, who follows my blog or otherwise, is welcome to try this themselves.

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academla · 7 years ago

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Summer 2017 Update

Hey guys! Finally, another big update post. If you haven’t read these before, I split it into sections: Academic, Financial/Professional, Social, Mental Health, and anything else I feel like. Feel free to skim! (Give this a like if you’re actually reading it because I feel like most people ignore these update posts, which is fine, I’m just curious haha.)

Academic

I go back to school on September 5. I’m super excited, but I think my underlying anxiety has been affecting me a bit.

Classes I’m taking on campus: Classics of Children’s Literature, Abnormal Psychology, and Ethics & Society (an Honors seminar).

Classes I’m taking online: History of World Civilizations Before 1500 & Child Psychology.

Here are some comments on each class so far (I’m nothing if not thorough, guys):

Children’s Lit: Well, Harry Potter is on the reading list, so I’m already there. I’ve emailed the professor already and she seems super nice, so I’m pretty excited. The syllabus is a bit intimidating; I’m sure it will be fine, though, and having a nice professor makes a huge difference.

Abnormal Psych: I’m going to have the same prof as I did for Intro, and I’m really pumped about that (so is she). I’m nervous because the tests are harder and longer, but she was very reassuring that I’ll be fine. There was a whole issue because I thought that Abnormal had service learning linked to it (service learning is basically where you get experience doing things related to the course, so essentially volunteer/internship work) and was planning to use an internship that has been in the works since the winter for that. However, turns out that it isn’t linked. My prof was super nice and said she would be flexible. I emailed my adviser in a bit of a panic, and she informed me that actually service learning is no longer a requirement of my major. So, I’m going to go ahead and do the internship for my resume, but not have to worry about the assignments and grade aspect.

Ethics & Society: I don’t know anything about this really, but I do know that the professor is well-liked and I’ve seen him a few times.

History: Okay, so I hate history. I’m quite well-rounded as a student and I know that I’m lucky that most classes, I do very well in and enjoy. But history just... I don’t even know. My history teachers in the past have all thought I was really good, and I was grade-wise; I simply didn’t enjoy it. So to make this bearable, I know I need to have a professor I like. I was going to take it on campus, and emailed briefly with the professor I was going to have, but he had bad RateMyProfessors ratings and struck me as not very personable or understanding or nice. I checked about online courses and saw that there is one being taught by the director of the Honors College that I’m in, whom I really like and has a great reputation and ratings. Unfortunately there is a $125 fee associated with online courses that I wasn’t aware of, but cost-benefit wise, I really think I’ll be happiest like this.

Child Psych: Oh GOD. Why am I so extra? I emailed the prof once and she was super nice. Then I replied, and since online courses are different from real-life ones in that you don’t really get that ‘getting-to-know-you’ vibe with professors because it’s so remote, I mentioned that I can be an anxious student. I just said basically that means sometimes I’ll ask a lot of questions or check and double-check things for reassurance. I also asked if she was a professor willing to look at drafts or not. She completely got the wrong impression and sent back an email (that was quite final too; signed it “All the best”) as though I had been a hysterical student coming to her with anxiety that I had no idea how to handle. She told me that there are personal counseling services offered by the college as well as the writing center with writing tutors. I’ve had outside counseling for 7 years, and I’m a writing tutor... so that was ironic and also a little embarrassing. Whoops. Honestly, when I get embarrassed about things like that (which I often do) I kind of remind myself that I’m just there to learn and hopefully earn that A, so what they think of me doesn’t matter that much.

All and all, I’m excited for school to start. I want to learn things and take notes and have stuff to do. I also have waves of anxiety, which I’m working very hard to combat with reality checks and focusing on the positives. Oh, and I got an A somehow on my chem accelerated summer course :)

Financial

I have worked two jobs this summer after a lot of miscommunication and lack of clarity:

A preschool, the same one I worked at during my gap year. It was unfortunate because I thought I was going to work full-time there after my chem course, but they didn’t need me because they had so much help. I ended up working Thursdays and Fridays there and Monday through Wednesday at my dad’s job. Now that all the summer help is leaving, though, they’re back to being in desperate need. Everyone there is pretty stressed (and families have been leaving).

At the place my dad works. They produce food and formula for people with metabolic disorders (primarily PKU). I was extremely appreciated there, which was nice, and I got a $4 raise on my second week! They’re desperately understaffed and having problems with their products, as well as not being able to keep up with general demand. I electronically filed faxes dating back to 2016, stuffed envelopes (my favorite), put in tons of orders (one day I put in 34 out of a total 62 orders that day), and by the end was allowed to check emails and reply to some of them. I LOVED the job. However, there’s the possibility I might be able to work there on Fridays during the school year, which I would love. It’s stressful there because there’s so much shit going on and people are basically running around putting out fires all day, but I enjoy my work so much.

During the year, I’m hoping to work at my dad’s job on Fridays, do my psychology internship (if you don’t recall, I’m going to be working at a VA hospital helping with a study on suicide prevention), and tutor! I’m a math and writing tutor. They’re two completely different trainings and types of tutoring, so it should be interesting. Luckily we get to shadow a writing tutor for awhile before being on our own.

I’m not doing well with money, guys. The entire year of 2017, I’ve only made $300 or so. I’ve spent $1,800 on school, even with scholarships, and $940 on medical things such as medication and copays. I did win a $1,000 scholarship which has been very delayed in arriving and I’m praying it will get here by the end of this week or next week so it can be applied to my account. I didn’t work over winter break, which was really my downfall; I needed the time for a mental health break, though... so I’m trying not to beat myself up over it.

Unfortunately it took awhile too for me to lock down my jobs, meaning I only got to work for like 4 or 5 weeks. That really isn’t very much money even with the raise I got. Right now I’m owing $615 per month for my payment plan, and even with tutoring and potential Fridays at my dad’s job, I’m definitely going to lose money. I’m considering taking one winter class online, so I can still work all winter break. That $125 extra fee from my web class sure didn’t help me.

But I must soldier on! I’m going to make sure that none of my money ever goes to frivolous things and never goes to waste. Money is meant to be spent and not hoarded, as my mom reminds me, and it’s okay to spend some on things like going out every so often as well, so I shouldn’t be beating myself up for that (though I still am). School was always going to suck up money. I’m trying very very hard to stay in the moment now and not stress about next semester or worse, what will happen when I get hit with that $30k bill when I transfer and don’t have even close to that much saved.

Social

I’ve changed several times throughout my life socially. In 9th grade, I was extremely social because I needed to be and I had trouble being by myself. It was a lot like that through high school. When I made online friends in 11th grade, they were my social life while drama and bullying and shit went on in real life. Recently, I had a major burst in socialness online, and eventually reached breaking point when I became embroiled in drama.

Look, I’m 20 years old. I’m turning 21 in November. I had to ask myself, why the fuck am I on vacation with family, working on scholarship essays last-minute, and spending my time in the bathroom on my phone dealing with drama with someone years and years younger who’s slandering me to people whose opinions I shouldn’t give two shits about?

That was a big reality check. Because I wanted vengeance, I did. I wanted so badly to expose someone who was gleaning attention and convincing others and spreading half-truths and ruining people’s lives. But then I realized, you know what? That isn’t my goal in life. My goal in life isn’t to tear people down because they’ve torn others down. It’s so, so difficult. I was angry. I was upset. This person violated all of my principles. And we had the evidence against them, we could have potentially won most people over, and I wanted it not for my sake but for the sake of those they had hurt so much more than they hurt me.

But I couldn’t do it. In the end, I called it off. I backed out. I told people to lay off and let karma do its work. I realized how toxic the situation was, how absurd it was for me to be living on the internet when I’m in one of the most exciting periods of my life. How utterly imbecilic I was acting, getting caught up in so much senseless, meaningless, fruitless drama.

After that, I disengaged further from large social groups. I was already overwhelmed by the amount of people always trying to talk to me, so I had to cut myself off from that. And it feels so. Much. Better.

I’ve become more introverted, really. I work all day, then I write fanfiction and watch Netflix and color in my room by myself and I love it. I have any number of people I could hit up anytime and ask to hang out or video chat. But I don’t feel that push, that obsessive need, to be social all the time. Social media became addicting. I still work on that.

I’ve stayed in touch with real-life friends and done things with them when I had the energy, money, and time. Unfortunately my ex and then long-time guy friend both asked me out, and that was incredibly awkward, and the end of that. The trouble with my school is that there are a lot of dual enrollment students who are like, 16 or 17. Much as I love them, I’ve been thirsting for someone my own age with similar interests who I can hang out with. At the tutoring training I attended, I met someone (a guy, oooh). He’s 21 and we had a really good time together. I’m hoping we can hang out once the semester starts! I also met a girl who’s only 17, but she seems very mature and sweet and I also hope to hang out with her.

Things are good socially. I’m always working on that area of my life (with regards to mental health, mostly) but I’m still going strong. I have moments of loneliness for sure. However, I’m happy with myself and happy with my life. That’s what counts.

Mental health

If 10 is completely flawless and 0 is utter breakdown and 5 is rough, I would say my summer has been a solid 7 or 8. Which is pretty damn good!

Areas I’m working on still:

Body image. My ED voice has been loud this summer. That’s probably the area of most concern to me.

Anxiety. It hasn’t been too bad, but with transitions it usually increases, and I’ve noticed myself being more anxious (free-floating anxiety mostly) and irritable in the past few days.

Worrying way too much about others’ opinions. This pretty much traces to the internet. I mean, before I went on hiatus, I had tens of thousands of people criticizing my every word and move. That takes a toll. Moreover, as a fanfic writer, it’s pretty difficult to post things to the internet without craving comments and kudos and hits. I’ve turned off viewing hits for my own sanity, and taken breathers when I felt like I was getting too hung up on the ‘popularity’ of my fics. I write for myself, because I enjoy it. Not for the attention. I just have to remind myself of that from time to time, and I try not to be competitive. It’s really the numbers that get me - the hits and the kudos. I mean, I compare myself to people in different fandoms, fandoms I don’t even write for. It’s so dumb.

All in all, I’m proud of how I’ve been doing. I do have moments of stress mainly about money, but that’s par for the course. I would say I’ve made a 100% improvement from last summer/year and intend to continue doing so, even in light of the impending stressors.

Other

My new favorite movie is Gifted. Oh my god, I love it so much. I’ve seen it like, 5 times (2 of those were illegally whoops). I’ve been fairly active on Snapchat still - add me there edye327. I don’t really have much else to say, except thank you to people who have bought me things from my wishlist that I couldn’t otherwise afford. I haven’t gotten anything recently, but I just wanted to reiterate my appreciation.

If you’ve read this all the way through, reply with the color of your favorite shirt.

Much love,

Edye

#academlets #academla blogs #update #2017 #back to school

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shadowwolf6 · 6 years ago

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Resurrection Love One

"A while back...way back...after Animazement 2017, I made it official to move on from my ex. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but one thing I wanted to do, was find myself someone more. I thought solely about going online and giving online dating one more shot. I joined places like Ferzu, FurryMate and the recently taken down Pounced. "I found a girl on Pounced who later had a second account. She had told me about the reason for her second account and that her location was not listed on her profile. I found out later that she was elsewhere, on the other side of the continental United States. When it came to wanting a relationship, I wanted someone close...somewhere close. This...lie...wasn't going to cut it, not when she wanted me to do the moving when I neither had a car nor enough money to support even myself on my own ventures. "I continued and met another...halfway across the US. She seemed pretty much right on for a little while. But even then things slipped through. Yet another one that wanted me to do the moving, even when we were already in talks about meeting up here in NC just to get to know one another. Truth be told, I went online and updated my profile and...she found out. I told her that I wanted something else. I was angry at myself...angry at the unfortunate circumstances that layeth before me. "For a while, it seemed as though my ex had the upper hand on me...that I was only going to be made a mockery through deception. I would go to bed each night after that one praying "God...help me. Somehow...help me". "Then an idea hit me...'why not try this thing called Telegram?'. It took me a night or more just to get to understand this new piece of technology that plopped into my lap...that I dropped there...but I later realized and grew to understand that it worked very much like Skype...minus the video calls. "From there, I made connections. I NEEDED to get myself out there. I joined groups, added friends, talked endlessly for hours...and then another idea hit me. 'Alright...you're a local fur...time to hit the local group up on Telegram and start looking. I asked to join and joined a few group conversations, some of which I'm no longer a part of. Days where I would "chat kill" the conversation with awkward silence would be times where I simply walked away from groups and wiped them free from my paws like dust. The Fayetteville Furs for one, and another fursuit group chat for another...fucking popular fucks... "But I stayed loyal to one group...one I had been seeing even in public. And there, I met a girl...someone local...really local! How about...30 minutes from where I'm at, a little older than I was, but the last time I had a relationship with a girl older than I, we stayed together for a while and made great chemistry. The chemistry is even still with us to this date even though we have yet to go beyond just meeting up and talking every now and then. The two of us have hope for one another for our relationship to work while I strive to getting a car next. THIS is the next big step in my life. "For a while though, there was a minor setback...one that ended my hobby for a while...back in October, I went to a meet and suited for about two hours...sweat in my eyes, nose and mouth, causing my vision to blur in my left eye. When I finished suiting, I regretfully forgot to dry my suit. This would be my downfall, for later in November at the next meet I would attend...the unthinkable. I pulled my suit out and noticed a horrid smell...the smell of water. I turned the head around and noticed several black spots lining the inner foam to my head. Black...Mold... "Black mold is one of the most harmful mold one can be around, and even though its effects themselves are harmless at first, constant introduction to mold spores can lead to problems with the respiratory system and even moreso...further health issues that could put one in the hospital...but on this day, my neglect...my own tiredness when I wanted to collapse instead of take care of the one thing I fought to obtain for so long...jeopardized and eventually destroyed my suiting days. "Many don't know what it means for me...but my prior suit has been through a lot with me. It has been there when I have sought counseling for my fears of driving and social anxiety, and even to this day it saddens me that it was like a sad story book ending - when I was finally over what I was over, my suit could be labeled as it's job being done and time for it to go. I came home crying...but I knew what had to be done...I had to burn him...and let him go. "It was one of the hardest things to do in my life...harder than driving for the first time...harder than applying for a job...harder than, well, letting my ex go. Even to this day I call where I laid Shadow to rest the "Shadow Wolf Memorial Flameground. "I had two close friends who knew about the disaster, talking to me online, comforting me, telling me that they would be more than happy to help me get a new one. But I refused...I knew that if I wanted him back, I had to do it on my own. Shadow was MY...WOLF. MY SUIT. I appreciated the offer fully, but that night, I went back to my previous suit maker. I got an email later that night hearing of how heartbreaking it was for her to hear what had happened. She even mentioned that she knew the faults of going for a resin base as well to know that my resin base wasn't holding up. "She later mentioned the one thing that, like a hand from above, held my chin up. 'I would be more than happy to make a new suit for you'. She knew how much it meant for me to have this suit...knew what it had accomplished for me and knew that, even if it sounded childish, this suit wasn't just a suit to me. Shadow felt like a brother I never had. Like a being that could comfort me when I sought comfort. "I went back to work with a sign in my workzone saying "Do It For Shadow". I had trucks to break down, stock, backstock to run, reclaim to throw out, other trucks to move, new guys to train, and so much more. That each day, I hand counted how many boxed I moved and destroyed, when all products inside were shelved. Each day being close to either 100 or some...even 200 boxes... "This went on for MONTHS...move, stock, count, destroy...move, stock, count, destroy...And after 140+ days, more than 10,000 boxes later, on March 21st, I received an enlightening update. "'Your suit is now finished! I will have it mailed out tomorrow and will send you the tracking information as well. Thank you for commissioning me'. "Back in 2015, I drew up the new concept to Shadow Wolf as a "Hellion". I thought 'Well, what would he look like if he had hair...actual hair? A Mohawk...a goatee...and why not through some stripes on him?' She added spikes to the Mohawk...that if one rubbed the hair today, one would faintly see yet feel the spikes. She even gave him eyelashes so his eyes looked as though he had attitude. When I saw her pictures debuting the suit, I was amazed...I still am amazed. I am in love with this suit. Saturday...March 24th...He Was Resurrected. I say it like this and say it because I felt as though I was a suiter again. I had the ability to suit again and enjoy him. But...Nowadays, he's something more. Now he's my soldier...he's my rock...I started picking up these New World Order shirts online to tell the world "Look who's back and looks who's ready to break every Hollywood light and Wolfpac howl every full moon night". I didn't want him to represent one click...I wanted him to represent BOTH. No sides...just brotherhood. He might still be cute, we just...haven't quite reached that point yet. Not when my ex is trying to be some punk figure hybrid off of Lion King...God knows what he's trying to pull off...or tried to. Most importantly, he's back, and he's gained quite the attention thus far. Why even Uncle Kage is jealous that Shadow has hair that even this Phd. Dumbass can't grow...or tries to grow...saying that his goatee is "out of style". Shadow says "No...you're out of style...someone like me needs to throw you into a retirement home where all you have to do is worry about the next number that gets called on Bingo night and when your nurse comes in to change your adult diaper before tucking you in for bed". "Along the way, I picked up quite a bit of new music to my library to help restimulate those past days where I was just new to the fandom. Lamb of God now grazes and fills my library, along with Metallica. THAT was a long LONG time coming. "In short...life is good again...even when my ex is unfortunately on my mind. I'm back here for hopefully a longer span and while I would like to make more pictures and more content for FA and YouTube, I've got ideas for videos mostly. I did make it to Animazement '18 this year and rocked out all 4 days that I was there with the nWo cosplay with Shadow Wolf that I had. I owned it all...room and everything. I invited those who wanted to attend and they attended with me. I resolved last year's issue with this year's "put up or shut up" moment. And Shadow promises he was a good boy *winks*" -Shadow (nWo) P.S. "Hey-Yo! Sparky...if you can read this...I'm more punk than you, I can make a black eye seem like your fashion statement...if I told my girlfriend what you were into, she'd say you need counseling...that and it aptly matches how much of an asshole you are. That if I told her you once at my shit in RP, she'd look you in the eye and tell you that you were already full of it to begin with. One more...for the good guys...

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lovefollowsknowledge · 8 years ago

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“Above all, trust in the slow work of God”

So this past Sunday, by recommendation of my doctor, I made a retreat with the visiting Int’l Statue of our Lady of Fatima, on her 100th year anniversary, at a cloistered dominican monastery (*major Catholic fan girling over here*!!), and I think this quote kind of sums up what visiting her meant for me...

First of all, my doctor was there, and I was blown away by how blessed I am to have her in my life. I mean, I always knew she was awesome. She's gotten me over some steep hurtles. She's assured me countless times that I’m in her prayers. But seeing her in her actual prayer life. Seeing her actually encounter the Lord…goodness, that’s a whole other ball game. She not only kept checking in on me and expressed such joy to see me there, but she kept checking in with the people all around her. I just got to see a whole other side of her. I got to see her love in action. I got to see her motherly heart. I don't know what it is but that was probably one of the best parts of Sunday. Maybe it was just assuring knowing this is the kind of woman God has placed in my life to help take care of me. That meeting her was no accident, but that it was totally on purpose, orchestrated by God to have such a holy woman in my life walk with me through my deepest wounds. It was just the most comforting thing.

But mostly, my favorite part was the most wonderful surprise of all - Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament was exposed! Right above the sanctuary in just the largest tabernacle/monstrance I’d ever seen. It was just so beautiful. I knew Our Lady would be there, I knew the sisters would be there, I knew all these prayers were gonna go down, I even had a feeling confession would be available. But I did not know that I would have the chance to sit with our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been able to do that?! No, since I’ve brought myself to do that?! I’ve always had the opportunity. It’s no big deal to drive myself 2 miles over to the nearest Adoration chapel. But I never did because I’ve just been so mad, so confused, so unsure if I could trust Him anymore because of all I’ve been through in the last year and a half. But for the first time in a long time, probably like even before I left Michigan, I prayed a prayer of surrender. I don't remember if I actually said the words “I surrender,” but for the first time in months I fell to my knees, and I just cried in surrender. I cried all my hopelessness, all my helplessness to the Lord. I finally cried out to Him and begged, “I have no idea how to do this.” Because I finally let it hit me - this is my new reality.

People have been saying that around me all this time, and it’s crossed my mind quite a few times as well, but it’s never really hit me. This is my new reality. 1) Bipolar. This is real. My depression can be triggered but also can my hypomania, and I’m gonna have to start being conscious of that. I’m gonna have to start really thinking of my actions and their consequences. I’m gonna have to learn the balance between truly embracing life and taking advantage of all this time to make memories with loved ones, and strictly living a reckless yolo life, where I say whatever I wanna say, do whatever I wanna do without considering anyone else around me, living selfishly for myself. I’m gonna have to watch how I put my worth in my work, in the fruits of my labor, in the impressions I leave on people. Because it’s all of those things that can cause my downfall once again into a pit of depression. I’m gonna have to watch my overzealous, motivated days because those can turn into deep, dark, self loathing days. My bipolar is real, and it’s time I start really taking care of it. 2) Lupus. This is real. If I don't take my medicine, my body will start attacking itself again, and I’ll be right back in the hospital practically dying. If I do take my medicine, it’s going to suppress my immune system which makes me vulnerable to any kind of simple and complex illness. That means even a common cold, a regular cough, feeling a little tired, headaches, all of that is not to be taken lightly. If I’m feeling the slightest bit sick, if I’m feeling the slightest bit weak I need to rest because it can get worse. Just like anyone else, if you’re sick and you don't rest, it’ll only get worse. But it’s even more important for me because I basically don't have an immune system which means anything can take me down. My new reality is that I need to start doing what I can to live a healthy life. My new reality is that I need to understand that I simply do not have the same strength that I used to have. My new reality is that I’m sick. And no, that doesn't need to define me. I don't need to be stuck in bed paranoid of falling to pieces again. But I do need to consider my new limitations. My new reality is that I need to be ok with taking things slow. I need to be ok with saying no to things. Saying no to things I wish I could commit to, no to things I wish I could help out with, no to events I wish I could attend, no to trips I wish I could go on. My new reality is I need to be ok with regular doctors appointments, with these people knowing every part of my business, asking all kinds of questions because it’s these questions and my honest answers that’ll keep my healthy. My new reality is that I’m sick.

But what hit me the most with being with our Lady and our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament is that yes, I’m sick, but that’s also not the end. For the first time, I realized the reality of my situation. I saw the severity of it. And I saw how scared I actually am. Scared to change my life around. Scared to redefine my limitations and who I am and what I’m capable of. Scared of letting go of who I think I’m supposed to be. But what struck me was not only the reality of my situation, but the truth that God still has something great in store for me. That this truly is not the end. That He has something good to come from even this, the most shittiest experience of my life, my whole world turned completely upside down. That even this, He is completely aware of and He knows what He's doing. That even this, He has a way. He has a way for me to get through this. And He has a way for me to come out even better at the end of this. That even with this, He has a great plan. That even with this, He's there with me. It may not feel good and I may not understand it, but who said I have to? Who said it was gonna feel good? And who said I have to understand it every step of the way? That’s what I kept thinking of.

I kept thinking of talking to Ate J about all this and asking, “I just don't understand why He would put me through this.” and Ate would say, “but does it matter?” At the beginning of the retreat, all I could think was I need to ask Ate or a priest or a sister or just someone holy, “have you ever been mad at God? and how do you move on from it? how do you push forward? how do you trust again?” And I was so stuck on that. I was getting ready to figure out how I was gonna get a priest or sister to talk to me that day or how I was gonna word my text to Ate. But then the priest gave his talk and all he had to say was “offer it up.” That term has become so cliche to anyone who spent their four years of college at Franciscan. It was totally overused and after my time there I basically dropped it because it started to lose meaning. And then when the real suffering started to hit, and I would think of that, but I would push it away even further in anger like “fuck that, I’ve bore my cross, it’s time for me to reap the fruits of my labor.” But that’s what it came down to that day. That yeah I’m suffering, yeah this is my reality. And maybe there’s no immediate or obvious reason for it, but who cares; I need to offer it up.

...Cause that’s what I was thinking. All my suffering in the past seemed to be caused by something. Suffering in school was because I procrastinated or I didn't understand my professor. Suffering in prayer was because I was looking for feelings or becoming complacent. Suffering with the Lord was because I stopped praying and got prideful. Suffering with depression was because I had wounds I didn't want to acknowledge. All my suffering seemed to have a reason, so it was somehow more bearable. But this suffering just seemed so pointless. Why, after suffering all that crap with my mental illness, fighting hard against suicidal thoughts and desires, fighting through my days of endless therapy in the hospital, why after all that, after giving up my life in Michigan that I loved so much, why after all that I still had to suffer this most random physical illness that I have completely no control over. This suffering just seemed to come out of no where. And it didn't just stop with the illness, it came with so many following consequences. This illness kept me from religious life. This illness kept me from jobs. This illness kept me from going out, from going on trips, from going on hikes. This illness seemed to take everything away from me, and I just couldn't see why. Even on a medical or scientific level, there’s literally no reason for me to have this. There is no defined cause; there are things that may lead to a trigger, but there is nothing you can absolutely point to and say this is why you have this. And even more, there is no foreseeable cure. So not only is there literally no reason for my suffering, there appears to be no end in sight. And so my biggest question through all this has been, why? Why after all the suffering I’ve already been through? And why this particular suffering that is effecting all parts of my life and is changing every plan I ever had set for me? But what came to me that Sunday is, “does it matter?”

The fact is, this is my reality. But it’s not just my reality. This is my cross. This has been specifically given to me by our Lord. He knows what he's doing. And if I heard that maybe a month ago, that would’ve made me even more upset because it’s like, if He knows, then why would He choose for me to suffer like this, if He loves me so much, if He's true to His promises, if he's so faithful and so loving, why would He knowingly bear this load on me? How is that love? But for some reason hearing it this time, actually by grace alone, by the intercession of grace by our Lady, hearing that our Lord knows what He's doing, that He is very aware of my suffering, very aware of the heaviness of it all, of how it’s completely crushing me, hearing that He is right there with me was the most comforting thing. Because I think that was the most frustrating part of it all. That yeah I’m suffering. But I’ve suffered before. The difference this time was that it felt like God was opposed to me. Like He was causing the suffering because He simply hated me, because He was simply tired of me and just wanted to see me suffer, wanted to see me hurt. But knowing that He’s in control of all this made me feel assured that “ok good, if His hand is in all this, then I know i won’t be crushed because i know He would never do that to me.” It was just finally assuring that I wasn't alone. That He wasn't opposing me, but that He is in fact on my side. And whether I ever find the reason or not for all my suffering, the fact of the matter is that this is my cross, and like it or not, I need to come to accept it, embrace it, and simply offer it up. Do it for the salvation of souls. Do it for the reparation of my own soul. Do it for the glory of God because He suffered first, and this is my part in His cross. Thinking of my suffering as a cross versus a punishment just makes a world of a difference. Because a punishment feels isolating and never-ending. But the Cross, I know, has an end, and it’s redemptive, and it leads to greater life for myself and for all those around me.

“Above all, trust in the slow work of God.” — This Sunday, Our Lady of Fatima made me see that our Lord is at work in my life. That He’s right there with me. That she's right there with me. And that it may be slow, this suffering may be long, but there will be something good at the end. There will be life. There will be more. She made me realize that yeah this sucks and everything is changing and everything is out of my hands (which I hate!) but everything is also good because it’s all orchestrated by God. So no matter the reason and how long it takes, I feel like I’ve been assured that the good is still yet to come, and that’s a promise.

But i’m just amazed that Christ would love me enough to seek me out like that. it was literally to Jesus through Mary. Because I honestly wasn't even thinking of Him. That’s probably why Adoration never even crossed my mind. Cause I was literally just thinking of our Lady, and if there’s anyone that could help me, it would be her. So I came desperate to be close to her, desperate for her to hold me and console me and show me a way back to Him. I came for her, but I found Him. She literally led me straight to Him. My time there that Sunday was barely even about the statue; it was about our Lord being present, exposed in the Blessed Sacrament. Amazing. Talagang to Jesus through Mary. I’ve never seen it so real before. So thank You, Lord, for doing what You can to bring me back to You. For using who You needed to use to bring me back to You. For giving me time with You. You totally set me up, and I’m just amazed that You would do that. After all my anger, all my cussing You out, all my avoiding You, all my pride, Lord after all I’ve put You through, all the ways I tried to run away, You still came running back for me. You still never gave up on me. And I just can’t believe it.

Anyways, thank you all for your prayers. Thank you for reading this, haha. All glory to God through Mary! Praise Him!

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