#I am so much stronger than my fear of the internet I am so much stronger than my fear of the internet

[mothmothwoth]

sends a tumblr ask: ah I have shown weakness in wanting things. I must immediately delete everything and never show my face on the internet again.

[magicalblerdpenn]

So this year, I'd been struggling to embrace being alloplatonic. I'm already genderqueer, bi, and grey aro-ace so you'd think it'd be easy.

Except that I didn't know alloplatonic was an identity until I learned about aplatonic people on Valentine's Day this year.

Ironically, it was several years back on Valentine's Day that I realized that I rarely experience romantic or sexual attraction, and experience aesthetic attraction more.

Yet I struggled to embrace being alloplatonic for several reasons:

Being raised by a Dad who made me feel like I couldn't be "just friends" with someone of a different gender than me. Since I was AFAB, any friendships I had with boys were assumed to be related to romance or sex.

Struggling to make friends, even though I wanted them. In high school, almost every potential new friend I made ended up changing schools or schedules.

Being bullied made me scared to make friends b/c what if I try to make friends, but end up bullied again? I also felt like I wasn't good enough for friends b/c of this trauma.

The unexpected death of my Dad made me scared to get close to anyone. I considered my Dad a friend as well as my parent and losing him hurt me deeply.

People being dismissive of internet friendships

This past Sunday, my closest internet friend Jaz, gave me a shout out in their upcoming book. It touched me deeply; I cried for ten minutes. They are a Black trans friend & we've been internet friends for six years, bonding over our identities, our writing dreams, music, and more. We've kept in touch through social media, email, and chat apps and become each other's source of peer support.

Over the years, our friendship grew stronger little by little and I felt a strong platonic love for them. I loved reading their newsletter, chatting with them, seeing updates about their life and career that they were willing to share. I loved having them encourage and reassure me, and doing the same for them. I loved their empathy, when I told them about my trauma or troubles. I loved how their writing helped me learn something new about myself & the world around me. I've shown my appreciation for our friendship through poetry & digital art and they love it.

Yet, I struggled to fully bask in our friendship until very recently b/c the trauma I'd experienced and the heteronormatvity and allonormativity I'd been taught. I didn't think my strong platonic attraction was normal b/c people dismiss platonic love in favor of romantic love. I've seen this on tv, movies, and online fandoms. I also thought I wasn't worthy of friendship b/c I felt I had to be a certain way & be flawless to have friends.

My friend Jaz, repeatedly proved me wrong, but it didn't sink in until I saw these words in the Acknowledgement section of their upcoming book: "To my internet friends, whose bonds are as deep as any other. To Penn; love you!"

With this, all my fears and doubt washed away with my tears of joy.

And now, I can finally say that I love my friend Jaz. I even wrote them a poem to do so and they enjoyed it very much.

TL;DR I am alloplatonic & proud and no one will take that away from me. I love my friend Jaz and they love me platonicallly too.

[power-handmaiden]

what I want to (re?)gain from reading all these tinglers.

Long ass personal ramble below because this is my blog where I ramble about things now

I used to draw all the time and even longer ago I used to write and at some point I just stopped because I got hung up on whether I was "good" at these things things or whether it was a waste of my time creating such "trivial" things rather than art with "meaning" or maybe of I should be spending my time on more "useful" skills. Why write if you're just going to write gay fanfiction? But when I tried more "serious" things to "develop my skills" and also do things like proofread and edit, it just wasn't fun anymore and the hobby was dropped. Drawing lasted longer and I never dropped it so completely but I think smartphones put a damper on it. Once we all got little Google machines in our pockets I was never just out somewhere doodling freely, there was always the option to look up a reference, to draw the thing Correctly, and then time would pass where I was trying to find a picture of a ram's horns at just the right angle, and my number at the DMV would be called or whatever else I was waiting for would demand my attention and I would never even set my pencil to paper in these moments when I used to doodle.

I also felt like I could never express sexual ideas as much as I wanted to because of the "quality" of my work. Making "bad" art was one thing, everyone in the learning process does that, but sharing "bad" sexual art? Well, everyone on the internet forums I frequented was *justified* in reposting their art to mock them and linking to their online galleries for passersby to point and laugh personally, I thought at the time. How dare they be horny and express it in an appropriate adults-only space without mastering their craft first!

There's a lot holding me back. I deeply miss drawing and writing. I miss how freely I used to be able to just do them without the mental block telling me I need to run certain steps for Quality when I never did intend to do these creative things as a profession or anything?

Why is it so easy to sit down and "waste time" playing a video game or scrolling the internet, but so hard to spend the same amount of time drawing something for fun?

here's where Chuck Tingle comes in. He is someone who just DOES IT. This is the writing of someone who is not overthinking the process like I am when I become too paralyzed to create. And, I cannot stress this enough. IT'S SO GOOD. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. So much fun, joyful art has come from a process that I had convinced myself was something to be reined in and feared. The free act of creation that I'd convinced myself was nothing if I didn't learn to refine it into something "respectable". Ideas that would definitely not have passed a committee vote but make the process of reading all these stories one after another so exciting.

Even when I hit the occasional one like today that doesn't hit well anymore, it's evidence of someone who was creating from the heart, in the moment. Weirdly, they make me feel that yearning even stronger, with the knowledge that I know I'll love future stories.

I still haven't gotten there yet but I hope the love I find in these stories eventually breaks down the mental walls I've built and makes me feel free again to DRAW SOME GODDAMN LESBIAN FURRIES.

[mzsvelenaya]

A Sparxshipping Inspired song ? Really ?

Hey Winxers ! Today I was scrolling on the WinxClubRus VK to see fanart and cosplay. I don't understand the text but I don't care I just want to see pretty Winxy stuff One post was... different, their was a picture and a song

The picture :

Those two look like Bloom and Valtor during their 2nd meeting : on Andros (maybe the easier picture I had to search during my whole existence on internet)

Except the Wings and the pose, the two picture looks alike (I'm pretty surprise to see the accuracy of the hair) Bloom also seems to not have her tiara

The song :

EDIT 2 : This is the Remastered Song, from the single Чувства

I Copy-Past the text on Translate Google (my best friend during this research) and see it was about a song, about those two

My reaction was : "I'm pretty sure they overreact, it can't be the official Music group who post that song, it's surely a fanmade"

So.. Which music group am I talking about ? Its ЭКСТРЕННЫЙ ВЫЗОВ (meaning : Emergency Call)

EDIT : Now, the group name is EXTRENNA (I think the group change their name because it was difficult to find their song while searching Emergency Call Russia or Emergency Call July) The Group VK Page

Yeah, that's what is written on the picture The song is called Чувства (meaning : Feelings)

So, that's real but... We only have the picture which looks like Bloom and Valtor, but, Maybe the characters from the picture just... randomly look like them Miza continue her scolling on a VK page about a group I absolutely know anything Everytime I see the title, I Copy-Past in a automatic translator Some post below, I find a Text, without the song but I saw the title I'll share with you what the translator gave me

Translation of a text from the writer of the song

"I dedicated 'Feelings' to a man who doesn't exist." History of the song In the summer of 2022, Renata wrote the track "Feelings", which was included in the "Tautophone". 

(NB : the first version of the song was in this EP. The remastered version is in the Single Чувства)

This is a love song that everyone perceives differently. For some, this is a story about a difficult breakup, for someone about an abuser or unrequited love.

 “I think many children fell in love with Disney princes, specialists from the Winx or Caleb from W.I.T.C.H.. And I am no exception, so I dedicated the song to a fictional character. He cannot be called positive, in the animated series itself he was an antagonist, but I was hooked by the charisma, the stamina of the character of this hero, and of course the visual. I really liked him when I was in the 4th grade, and now, this summer I again wanted to revise my favorite animated series. You can love a person who does not reciprocate indefinitely, let alone a fictional character with whom there is no way to even meet. I reviewed a lot of art, comics, fanfiction with him, from which I began to like the hero even more. The result is a song. It may seem strange from the outside, but my desire to share my thoughts is stronger than the fear of rejection of my work. Everything in the song is quite abstract, so listeners will be able to interpret it in completely different ways. However, Winx connoisseurs will understand who this song is about. ”, Renata comments.

Well, an antagonist, Charismatic, from Winx How to be more obvious ? Especially when we have the Black and Red picture

The lyrics (translated in english)

Now i'll share the lyrics I find : Someone called Milena Daїanova post the lyrics in a comment on the VK Page of WinxClubRus

I'll never find thee Well, okay, the hell with thee Tears are running, but I'll wait Maybe a month or two The fire of hair and turquoise eyes Drive me crazy at night Purple smoke will envelop us And will cover the houses by fog

Our music of summer will not be repeated again But I'll still be waiting, waiting for thee until dawn

Feelings are drenched with sadness Empty in cold eyes His art is to make a person fall in love with himself so much and destroy Feelings are drenched with sadness Empty in cold eyes His art is to make a person fall in love with himself so much and destroy

This is the last story about love It will be forgotten as a sadness In the cold morning the fire will go out Turning our hearts into steel But I... but I... but I'm dying without thee But I... but I... but I'm dying without thee

Feelings are drenched with sadness Empty in cold eyes His art is to make a person fall in love with himself so much and destroy Feelings are drenched with sadness Empty in cold eyes His art is to make a person fall in love with himself so much and destroy Feelings are drenched with sadness Empty in cold eyes His art is to make a person fall in love with himself so much and destroy

I'm not really good to understand lyrics... I'm bad at it

But I think with this whole post it’s more undertandable

Translation of a comment from the song Writer : Renata Vafina

On WinxClubRus, there are 2 posts : The most recent, with the black and red picture (posted on february the 1st) The older (posted on january the 27th) On the oldest post, the writer of the song, Renata Vafina add an explanation :

This is the story of Bloom and Valtor in my interpretation (I think that Valtor definitely liked Bloom and this couple would be wonderful. In general, BLOOTOR VAN LOVE) The story is told from the perspective of a magician. The song describes his feelings during the final battle of season 3. There, the fairy defeated Valtor, destroyed his feelings (refused to join him) and himself (in the animated series they showed how he dies)

I reaaaaally like that Winx inspired song exist And I liked writing this

Last Edit : 06 August 2023

[ace-and-ink]

[i turn 20 this year and the aspect scares me]

[i turn 20 this year and what can i say for it? / all i have to my name is some shitty internet poems / and i can’t even show them half of where i’d like to / because my school will stop believing me that i’m not suicidal anymore / sometimes i look at the world and i stop believing me that i’m not suicidal anymore]

[i turn 20 this year and i’ve had half my hobbies ruined for me / my art teacher’s pitying smile will be behind my mind / no matter what i draw until i stop / and she’ll tell me all that should’ve made it stronger / and that i’m not portraying what i want to portray properly / and she’s the professional / she has the experience / so i’ll just scribble it out / and let the sketchbook gather dust for a month or two / i haven’t felt not guilty playing a game in years / because i see the way my dad smiles when he walks in on me playing one / and the shift in his voice when he speaks / and how i know he believes i’m wasting my time / and i believe i’m wasting my time / if i’m not doing something else too while it loads then the time’s a waste / if i don’t spend my time making something else then i’m a waste / if i don’t spend all my time doing something productive then i’m useless / if it doesn’t make me feel like a child again it might make me feel worse]

[i turn 20 this year and i’m still a child / i feel the same excitement and joy i did when i was 9 when i play a new pokemon game again / i just want to love my friends / and i don’t understand why some people feel hate by default / and i don’t understand why we hate our differences / and i don’t understand why they have to mean anything other than things we can admire about each other / and i don’t understand why everything has to have a price both capital and physical / and i miss the things i used to have / the games i used to play / and i miss the time i had to play with them / and i just want to have fun / i want to have the job i enjoy / the job i would daydream about in the shower / i still daydream in the shower]

[i turn 20 this year and i still have no clue who i am / another decade older and people still ask about my backup plan / and tell me my dream is going to be too hard / a decade older and i still dream about throwing half of it out to do something i haven’t done in a decade / i still fantasize about singing on a stage in a way i enjoy / but see the hobbies section: / i can’t sing anymore without fear / i am two decades old and still figuring myself out / who knew i liked geology like that? / who knew goth music was that cool? / who knew my ex’s imprints on me still keep me from seeing some people as anyone but them? / i turn my second decade old this year and i have no plans / this was a decade i never saw myself being / and as i tried to write “i still can’t see myself getting all the way through it” / i started crying / so i guess i hope i do]

[i turn 20 this year and i’m still living in the background of my own life / my headphones work to the brink of death because i’ll never let my music disturb someone else’s silence / i sit on the edge of the room because who wants this girl sitting and eating alone in the center of it all / i write a collection of poetry but it never goes anywhere but my desktop because who really cares about it / that age feels like i’m supposed to know so much, do so much, and yet i don’t / turning the big 2-0 and i have nothing to my name / no stories despite all i’ve written because it’s never good enough to go how far i want it to because who wants to read that / i don’t have a pop star’s voice but i want to sing like i do but who wants to hear that / my friend got published when we were in middle school / billie eilish is 22 and she was a hit at 17 / at 17 i was still getting tripped on the lacrosse field / and i was never enough then either / you could always be better sure but i never even hit that minimum criteria / at 17 my sister was modeling / at 17 i started to learn that i hated my stomach / at 18 i couldn’t look at pinterest for more than a few minutes at a time every month because those outfits would never fit me like them because i have too much of a stomach in comparison / at 19 i’m still struggling to stare myself in the eyes in the mirror and say “i love you, thank you for keeping me alive” / because there’s hair i didn’t know women would grow there and now i’m too nervous to wear bikinis / and i turn to the side and suck it in because wow, it really shows when i’m wearing gray or leggings / i’m a little more and a little less than a woman but i still shave underneath my chin twice a month because i hate the comments my dad and stepmom make about it / i got tan and thought it would hide the stretches on my thighs but they only got easier to see but i didn’t bring pants with me on vacation]

[i turn 20 this year and that’s a number that carries such weight / that’s not old at all, i know / the world is my oyster still but i don’t know what it is / that number isn’t me / i could never see myself as 20 / 21 as the oddball in the family who won’t celebrate it by getting drunk / 22 just to say it / 23 to maybe be in that band / 27 as the year i’ll never make it to / i hope i can say the same for 30 / but i hope by then i’m more important / i hope i’m not a cog in the machine but if i am i hope i have a name / turning twenty and i still can’t describe the way the songs i loop make me feel / i hope i’m maybe making music that makes someone feel that way / turning twenty and there are still poems that have stuck with me that i think about for no reason / i hope my words maybe stick that hard with someone else / turning twenty and i still think about my characters doing things to entertain myself to fall asleep / i hope maybe someone shuns their sleep to read the things i make them do to / turning twenty and maybe i’ll just be looking at cool rocks by then / that sounds fine to me too]

[i turn 20 this year and i started crying trying to write this poem / if you can really call all this that / and i don’t know where to go from here / but i’ve always dove in blind / so maybe i’ll turn around and close my eyes anyway to walk backwards over the edge / make it funny for someone else because that’s what i’ve always done]

[i turn 20 this year and i’m terrified and crying and surprised and wishing i could tell 17 year old me / “we got this far, at least, so there you have it / we’ll have to sit through this decade together and see if we make it again / in the meantime, congratulations / you turn 18 this year”]

— 2004

[trashyswitch]

Liiisten…

This is gonna be a long info dump on when I was thinking about the tickle community. Feel free to read, or don’t. I don’t care. I was just thinking, and writing it down.

I am a sensitive person. I always have been. Never could take jokes as a kid. Felt offended by the tiniest joke against me. I’ve gotten better since then, but I still struggle with being sensitive. And that may never change.

But…I sometimes feel sad about being part of the tickle community. Not sad about the people or the fan stuff people write, all of that is amazing! I love it all!

But…the tickle community is seen as controversial. Like, certain kinks are looked down upon, but still accepted better than the tickle community has ever been accepted. People who have a feet fetish, are poked around and joked about more than tickling. And…it’s really sad. The tickle community gets a lot of hate for being what it is: a community of people who like tickles for different reasons. There are some who enjoy it for more intimate, yet innocent reasons. Some people enjoy it for NSFW reasons. Other people enjoy it for platonic/SFW reasons. And some people enjoy it for a mix of both. I don’t judge people who do enjoy it for those different reasons, because we’re all human who have complex ideas on how tickling should be treated.

But let me tell you: the community that seems to get the most hate out of all of them…is the SFW tickle community. And that’s because of the way people were educated. People were educated on the NSFW tickling before they were ever educated about the other types of tickling. So when people see the SFW side, they assume that the SFW community is a mix of sexually active people who hide their sexual desires to act innocent and catfish people. And…though there is a chance of that stuff happening…trust me, I’ve experienced it…that’s not what we are.

We are people who treat tickling like it’s cuddling. Tickling is just another way to show affection. And though there are other ways to show your affection, tickling is something we gravitate towards because it fills you with stronger hits of dopamine faster than cuddling does. Cuddling is nice, but not everyone is able to sit still for hours and cuddle. Tickling allows you to move around and throw your genuine reactions out into the world without a care to be seen. And I’m consensual situations where you know the person really well, it makes for an amazing experience.

And as @parker-fluff told people in another post I reblogged, it’s mostly people with mental health issues and past traumas that resort to the more childish, but classic way of feeling affection. My theory is that people with mental health issues, traumas and developmental diagnosis’s, are not shown as much affection for fear that things will go wrong for the Ler, the lee, or for both. People are too scared to show that love, which leaves those in a lee mood, really sad and lonely. And then there’s the opposite: when people aren’t afraid to show that love at all, and it gets to the point where they often do it too much. And it overwhelms the person in the lee mood. Though, not everyone has this problem. But there are people that do.

And there’s a third potential reason: this generation has become so scared to do anything for fear it may trigger people. And the long, complicated explanation of tickle fights is hard to navigate for an outsider of the community. Certain criteria’s aren’t met. The tickles don’t occur in the right places. They tickle too hard, or too soft. Or they start tickling, and then the lee mood switches off in a snap. There is so much that goes wrong and so much that people fear, that no one wants to try anything. So we gravitate towards the internet, we learn to navigate the internet and its pros and cons, and we develop friendships with strangers who feel the same things as you. And while it’s amazing, it also makes the person feel more lonely than ever. Because they can’t actually experience the tickles with those people online. They can roleplay, but nothing beats the real thing.

I just want to live in a world where being tickled can be a joyful experience for both people without fear or doubt. Where people can telepathically establish boundaries and start up tickle fights whenever they want to.

But…this is a complex world. And even utopia’s like mine are impossible to keep up. So…thank you internet for giving us a place to come to, where we don’t feel nearly as lonely or sad. Thank you.

[tea-and-secrets]

I am so lonely it has been poisoning me for over 10 years and I have so many reasons or really excuses to distrust others but I am so tired of fear. My two internet friends are the world and I love them but I cannot rely only on them and I do not want to put pressure on them.

And why I do not have more friends is a lot to explain. I really oftsn feel doomed and considering the social issues etc I have had it makes me feel bad invovling more people in my life even though I have changed so much. Like idk I have been an absolute monster, and aometimea still feel like I am deapite everything so why subject others

But I want to be surrounded by ppl who care. I guess it isnt stronger than the fear, paranoia and shame, otherwise I wouldnt be so standoffish even to ppl who express interest. We are all such scared animals...

.

[nightcolorz]

Hi! I just want you to know I really admire how in you fic Millennia’s gate you have caught the voices of today’s “internet gossip” in a way really fews author who use media to narrate a story manage to! 

I have commented on ao3 but I wanted to reach out on Tumblr to (hope I am not annoying you). 

You also caught the specific way in which people speak on Tumblr lmao, which is very different than others social media. 

I also appreciate how you both write humour and crack but also treat dark and complex thematics.

The whole cult shit with Armand’s discord gave me chills. But I found it a perfect way to adapt the Satanic cult thing that he went through in the canon. 

I also liked the continuous switch of the “internet population” between hating him or idolizing him. 

through the characters of Armand, you caught (in a crack fic!) not only how human can be complex and layered and victims can be imperfect and very, very flawed, but also how the “stan” culture on the internet deny this complexity wanting to reduce their influencers to either idol or demoniac figure. How people are only interested in putting others people into boxes, here the victims, there the villains, and if someone doesn’t perfectly fit the first box in the way they think he should or if someone happen to fix both the boxes in different situation, they get attacked and thrown in the trash. No one wants to UNDERSTAND Armand, but everyone want to be his judge. 

I also liked how Armand, like the little shit he is (affectionate) learn to use the hype around him, to attack Lestat and transform his feud with him in a big show for everyone to watch. 

It’s so in character for Armand, how he is put in the middle of a situation in which he is uncomfortable, with people trying either to victimize him or going through his dirty laundry to expose him, and instead of crying and fearing of being cancelled he learn how to use and manipulate the situation in his favour. I also find interesting and in character that he internet hate seems to electrize and galvanize Armand, who almost seems to like the devil-ish imagine people seem to attribuite him (at least more than when people call him a victim) and who is stronger and more malicious when people are trying to cancel him, while it break and devastate Lestat, who was on the internet in hope to being *loved*. Or, well, adored. So the hate from his followers devastate him. 

Through Lestat’s character and his background, I think, you showed well how, once someone is a public figure, their emotional turmoil and pain, even their worst moments, become all a show for entrateinment. Lestat struck me as one of those people who originally WANTED his life to be a show but because he wanted to be loved and adored, not because he wanted his pain (and, more important, the pain of the people around him) to be consumed by the public for entrateinment. But once you put your life o and inferiority on display, there is no guarantee about what the public will do with it. And this is a sad, sad lesson to learn. 

Also, David Tabloit can choke on himself- I stand by Armand in that. So can Marius. And I am curious of whatever Armand and Louis had a fling (while Louis was still with Lestat officially??), of how the Daniel and Armand’s story will continue, about what really happened with Claudia, about when and how Louis will have a more prominent role (can’t believe that he has managed to stay away from the drama until this point lmao) and I think there are others things that happened to Armand’s life in the past BEFORE Marius (like in canon? Idk the way in the first chapter he esitated before saying that a common “friend” introduced him to Marius was super sketchy and suspected). 

OMGGG absolutely do not apologize I love ur comments and ur ask so so much ur commentary absolutely made my day and I am so eager to get home so that I can write ch6 of millennia gate!! ur passion literally invigorated me lmao I'm so excited to write hehehe. U l get me ur analysis is perfect, ur comment on a03 gave me life. Ur reads of the characters and the themes r exactly how I think about them it’s incredible. Tysm for ur comments they r everything to me. I thought that u may enjoy (if u haven’t seen it already!) this post I made speaking a bit about my own thoughts on the subject: https://www.tumblr.com/nightcolorz/735003495452852224/just-want-to-say-i-enjoyed-millenia-gate?source=share

[peapod20001]

I am still DESPERATE to know about CRUSH's cult. what is it called? how do they recruit people? how did it start? what are its core beliefs? how are T's children viewed by other, non-family members?

Names!! Are not my strong suit. At all. Tbh I forgot a name was even smth I’d need to come up with 😭 and thus I have nothing at all </3 I’m so sorry for disappointing in that department,,,but I can kinda elaborate more for your other questions! <:3

So the cult as it is now has SF pretty much as the head of it all, it kinda operates the same as your average cult but then it also has some influence from the dark web (cheesy I know jus bare with me </3)

The mentality has always been around, see that 1st post with papa T talking about how evil is necessary and whatever, but the followers of this belief have never been grouped together in this way before. They were drawn in by the I guess “awakening” of SF, she has the same presence as her father and he was the one who brought evil to the world

T’s family (both siblings and children) have a glamour about them, this makes people more likely to fall under their influence. A good example of this would be Steve cus he literally convinced himself that getting murdered, by none other than one of T’s offspring, was love and he continues to hold this belief. Of course that glamour doesn’t always work, and some have more alluring qualities than others which makes them stronger in that sense. SF is a lot like her dad in this regard, she brings out the worst in people

So with her alluring aura, and an internet connection, SF was able to reach millions across the world and set off a spark in many that would make them start to feel and act in a certain way (SF is an online influencer in the most literal sense, and gaining access to the dark side of the internet gave her the means to get some crazy people to do some crazy shit).

The beliefs she feeds to her followers are to never water yourself down and act as the purest form of yourself. This can be interpreted differently among them all but the innocent ones takes this as loving without fear, and the less innocent ones take it as act out because it is your right to (Ike was definitely one of the more innocent ones on the surface haha but he was way too down for the murder and cannibalism)

And yea! People are just in the wrong play at the wrong time and are gullible enough to fall for a two faced liar </3

[noodlegodforfun]

old sketch

Sometimes I want to be like them heh It's so much fun and give love to each other even if you're too silly and get hit ahaha

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. I replay old moments in my head, thinking about their other outcomes. Sometimes it seems to me that everything was in vain or that no one needs me, and this is important to me, because honestly I have a lack of attention. But despite the fact that I was able to instill in most people more positive emotions than negative ones, I feel that I have been growing lately. I don’t believe that sometimes I want to say this to myself, but I am proud of myself.

Of course, this happened thanks to many people.. Both my failures and my successes, but I'm glad that I was able to just at least even for moment become stronger and not think about suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. Does that really... calm me down...?

The main thing is if you lose faith in yourself, do not be alone, not everyone can be as strong as they want and resorting to help from others makes you even stronger, as social phobia develops more and more with the advent of electronics. We want to be more anonymous.

And while maintaining anonymity on their part, which I don't mind, because they still show themselves, I still open up to people, because I'm probably the most stupid heh. I want to give them joy, not fear and rejection of me, and also not their first thought to block me. I do not know how to convey idea that the Internet is not safe, but at the same time there are good sides to it.

So here

Why did I start this conversation

Sex bots, go fuck yourself. Anonymously.

[losingfayth]

so i prayed today

if this worries you, have no fear. my religious beliefs are suitably bespoke and eccentric. if you think me foolish, first of all look at my (first) name. i had no choice. second of all, grow up. i spent plenty of time as an edgy "i'm better than you" internet atheist (hence the username). it's old hat. kind of like the phrase old hat, but that's not the point.

so i prayed today. i do that here and there, but those are really little prayers. day-to-day prayers. today i whipped out the candles, the incense, the yoga mat, and my holy books, and had a nice little chat with god (or the universe, whichever you prefer).

i expressed what i was thinking and feeling lately, offered thanks for all the recent blessings in my life, asked for safety and health to find those being victimized by conflict and genocide around the world. yanno, basic stuff. i also specifically asked for help, guidance, and communication about my mental health and my recent apparent progress there, my physical health (which i've always struggled with), and my love life. i wasn't expecting much in the way of explicit communication back (She's not very talkative much of the time, and i don't take random thoughts popping in my head as Her. that's all me, bay-beeeee) but i was surprised to get a pretty clear cut response.

this is what She said:

"you've come a long way recently. give yourself credit for that. you're in a very good place and you should be proud."

"you're going to experience the loss of a relationship in the future. you can get through it, but it will happen."

"you'll enter into some sort of romantic relationship in December."

now, idk about y'all, but god has never given me a month and year before. so that feels weird. technically, She did leave the door open for a romantic relationship to begin before December and simply become stronger once we get there, but it's still very odd. i'm happy for the communication, but it is odd.

if, come December, i'm still as tragically single as i am right now, i'll read it as things changing in unexpected ways or maybe god was just taking the piss. after all, i don't believe god 100% knows the future and i sure as shit don't think She can influence human will in a meaningful way. also She may be a bit of a jokester. i do deserve the prank from the whole "not believing in her for six years" thing. anyway, we'll see.

[weepinggrayrose]

Hello again my dear void. I am running out of poetic words to toss into you. I don't know why I insist on flowery words to describe my pain in my messages. There is nothing to gain from poetic bitterness pushed out into the void. Perhaps it's because my collapse into maddness is so profound, I don't know how else to describe it. So I use my metaphores and symbols to put into words the undescribable.

I also don't know why I speak directly to you, dear void. As if you are a friend who may answer instead of the vacant corner of the internet I have claimed as my own. Perhaps it is another sign that I am slipping.

Anyway. I am weary tonight, dear void. The hollowness in my chest feels as if it's growing. My head hurts from the effort it takes to keep myself present in reality. I barely eat. I can only seem to sleep in the middle of the day.

All I want is to be alone. To escape the noise that is getting louder and louder in my mind. I stay awake at night, battling my own mind in the hours that it's finally quiet enough to do so. During the day I hide myself away and try to sleep so I don't have to face everyone. Their judgement, their concern, their demands, their needs, their opinions...its all too much for me for me to face right now.

I know if they ever find this, they will think it was a cry for help. It's not. I am not asking for help because I don't know what I need. And those things I suspect might help are not possible. This is something I have to face on my own. Something about losing my mind triggers a feverish need to write, to document, to express. Perhaps so if I go the way of Sylvia Plath or Virginia Woolf there will be something left behind. Breadcrumbs mapping out my downfall.

The truth is I am afraid. I am afraid all of the time. My mind scares me and I don't know what to do. Reality feels less and less real every day and I am afraid each time I indulge my desire to escape into the false realities in my mind that it will be the time that I can't pull myself out of it.

I'm afraid they will percieve my escape from reality as me not loving them enough to stay. I want to document this so perhaps one day they will see how hard I fought to stay. How long I held out. And they will understand, maddness is just stronger than I am. I will give it my best fight. But I fear deep down this is a fight I am destined to lose.

[mybook313]

New Book - from August 2023! 🖇.

This book is going to be about God is love; love is God and we are all made in God’s (love’s) image!

It will be written how I like to blog! Date and time and my thought beneath. 

29/08/2023 – 19:21

Love is God if God is love and the church (meaning belief) is salvation.

I am an anomaly. I did anomaly in the HB video! I became The Matrix 4: the anomaly of all anomalies!

I have written a lot as I firmly believe the pen is mightier than the sword which might as well be credited to Max and Shelly!

Max Maher and Shelly Stubley as of DMU.

I am at university currently Starting the third year in October. I don’t want to do it! I will cure my delusion by writing and end my addictions in the same way. I am very addicted to nicotine. I want to quit smoking and would like to not be bothered by vaping!

I am currently watching Avatar – The Way of the Water at home in Waltham. Lmao!

We actually live in Oadby. This may be the first book that could actually be read! I have written a lot on my blogs! I created my own internet, in a way!

I am calling this book W after George W. Bush and James Wilkinson! Andy Warhol was also called Mr W. on a YouTube video I saw!

I am a God. I am a love!

Find me on soundcloud: Obey Little Luck. An anagram for my name: Elliott Buckley!

31/08/2023 – 16:12

I had therapy today with Sophie. She’s a. psychologist! 

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 

― Frank Herbert, Dune

She gave me a copy of the Dune quote above. We talked about perspectives and Einstein. 

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” It doesn't take much thought to see why this little gem is so popular—you can see some of the versions here.

Einstein Fish quote - google

Einstein is quoted as having said, “If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and five minutes thinking about solutions.” The point he makes is important: preparation has great value to problem solving.

Einstein Problem solving – google

Albert Einstein: “We Cannot Solve Our Problems with the Same Thinking We Used When We Created Them”

We talked about the above quote! She said she will print it and put it on her folder!

Enough. We are all God’s. I am a God. We are made in God’s (love’s) image and are messiah. 

Even “no life” is surveilled. Ask NASA! . . . Low blow! Lmfao!

I wish my dad would become an architect! It’s so horrible having to move house when we are settled! We are going to move from 9 Highcroft, Oadby, LEICS, UK at some point and I am not looking forward to it!!

I believe I can fly. I want to spawn a new beginning. People will walk in space and Chloe Delevingne and Damon Albarn will walk into a sunset.

“So Lyra and her daemon turned away from the world they were born in, and looked toward the sun, and walked into the sky.” 

― Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass

I am going to have to new hare and the tortoise this work. I am going to be both! The new hare and the tortoise!

01/09/2023 – 17:02

I have really got this nailed! I should just keep a diary and release it eventually! I blog too! The pen is mightier [than the sword[ - Max Maher and Shelly Stubley!

What doesn’t kill you [will only make you stronger] – Max and Shelly!

Why not? This is the all-time age!! Jesus Christ was a moron to be love (god) on Earth and never surrender!

People 2k years ago would have loved love itself (Jesus and Moses) to have surrendered!

I saw Dino today! Great guy! There is love in him! Lmao! Inspired by the below:

Four Tet – There is Love in You

I don’t think it matters when you surrender! I should have done it in my childhood! And got this civilisation to do my work for me! Oh well! Elliott Buckley surrenders!

[eponymousfics]

Just some personal anecdotal rambling while I take a break from cleaning about homesickness and writing:

(Under a cut bc it’s basically a personal essay lol)

I started writing Alola Again back in late 2021 (I think?) because the pandemic meant that my yearly visits back home had been on hold, and the yearning to go home was even stronger because of the general fear and anxiety of the whole situation.

I mean, it actually started because I decided to finally 100% my Alola ‘dex, since I’d sunk 1000+ hours into Animal Crossing: New Horizons at that point and needed a different game. Then Guzma suddenly hit a blorbo sweet spot in my head that had previously not existed (or had been entirely occupied by Nanu. I am a ‘cynical old man with a heart of gold he does his best to hide’ enjoyer).

I haven’t done a full reread of AA since fully uploading it, but I’ve gone back to some of the earlier chapters and listened back to a lot of my writing process voice memos, where I rambled to myself for collective hours trying to hash out plot details or pacing and character development etc.

I think looking back on it, I can safely say that fic would not have happened without the pandemic. That type of deep, concentrated homesickness that was the root and driving force behind its inception and execution was uniquely a result of quarantine isolation and the fact that I knew it wasn’t safe to travel home, and possibly wouldn’t be for a long time.

I already kind of knew this, because I wound up with the chance to go home in spring of 2022, when I had almost finished the fic but had a few more chapters left of the final draft to work out.

The INSTANT I was home, the tensed up spring of energy and need that had been pushing me along to make NaNoWriMo numbers every month for six months just…evaporated. And it was hard picking the fic back up again afterward. I couldn’t work on it much at all while I was home, which you’d think would be the opposite, since I could do ‘on location’ research, so to speak.

But AA is honestly so much more of the romanticized and idealized memory of my childhood and what I wish it could have been (much in the same way Alola itself is a very clean and idealized version of Hawaii, honestly almost pure tourist vision. Backed by real elements and actual research in places, yes, but also so carefully not mentioning/keeping out of frame the colonization and genocide of native culture while still presenting the polished version of the current state, which is entirely the result of those historical atrocities. Which, I can see why and how that happened, but I still have complicated mixed feelings over it and how much I enjoy the game despite that, and frankly in some ways because of it) that it became almost impossible to hold onto the dream that it was when sitting squarely in the middle of the reality it was based on.

As messy as things got because narratives need conflict, Mahina’s homecoming to Alola was everything I desperately wished my own could be. It’s simpler and easier because I have control over every element of it. All the emotional conflict happens on my terms because I’m the writer, I get to choose which emotional complications I want to examine and which I want to quietly pretend don’t exist.

And I get to see them all resolved, and have love and joy and humor thrown in to make it all palatable and worth it. It is baked with my baggage, it’s possibly more revealing than I should let anything put on the Internet be.

But I think a lot of fanfic is like that, and while there are a lotttt of technical flaws that I see now even just skimming over it in passing, the core of the story and the characters, the core of what it became, is still something I’m proud of.

And the fact that it’s finished, of course. Whatever else, it’s the first piece of long form writing that I’ve stuck to through multiple drafts to bring to completion. Is it perfect? No. Is it popular? No. Is it finished? Yes, and that’s important. For me, anyway.

Anyway, I’ve just had a lot of this on my mind because I’m home again, and slowly warming up to the idea of finally getting started on a sequel, which was always in the drafts but I needed space from it to even consider making a start. And because that deep down, bottom-of-the-soul homesickness is no longer gnawing at my every fiber. Whatever fuels the sequel, it won’t be that. I’ll have to attach a new anxiety onto it, I guess.

I think it did help me understand how to make these visits back home, though. Every time before had been fraught with tension between family members and an unnamed dissatisfaction because the reality of home couldn’t live up to the idealized yearning in my heart, but this trip…it’s been much easier.

I think the impromptu nature of it is helping. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to be here for three more weeks, but Circumstances(tm) dictated otherwise and I last-minute moved up my flight. Maybe I just didn’t have time to build up unrealistic expectations for it. Maybe I was just so depressed that the change of scenery has boosted me enough so I can just chill.

I don’t know what it is, probably a combination. But considering how I use fic as a big bandaid solution to not being able to afford therapy, well, I’ll probably wind up exploring it more in future writing. Whether that’ll be in the sequel to Alola Again or something else, we’ll see.

[spiteandstrength]

Greetings again

Hello again Tumblr (and by extension the internet).

Wow has it been a LONG time since we have spoken in this format. (Though you would have known me by a different pseudonym back then)

SO MUCH has changed these past 7 years.

I feel it appropriate with the advent of my new life being put in motion that I would bring back my internet presence in full.

Things seem to be re-building at an adequate pace, I will admit it’s much harder starting over than it is to keep the original metaphorical wheel in motion.

Where do I begin?

3 relationships later, a grocery list of loss, trauma and betrayal, a completely new home and a much bigger life and world than I could have imagined.

I guess we’ll start with the negatives.

My dissociations are worse than ever (hey! I learned there’s a word for this now too, who knew? I always thought I was just a daydreamer)

I am constantly fluctuating in and out of psychosis, I seem to be splitting now too (that’s a new one)

My dissociations seem to come on stronger, last longer and are more involuntary than they used to be.

My pit of rage that was once completely quelled has come back with a burning vengeance, there isn’t even a combination words I could formulate a sentence with to describe this level of anger.

Gosh and I was doing SO WELL, what happened? Ha I guess I’ll fill you in over time.

Now for some “positives”

I broke into my industry finally after nearly a decade of struggle, I seem to have landed the “Grad program” of wet dreams.

1 year from this post I will be hyper specialised in Networking, Software Development and ITIL/ITSM practices.

I have already been deploying such responsibilities as “Change Manager” and “Incident Manager”.

Now if you search these terms on seek or linkedin you’ll see they command extremely high salaries.

Does this excite me? Not really. People new to my life over the past couple years had taken a very wrong impression of me, I have been accused of being fearful of being “alone”

They’re partially correct, the reasons are wrong.

I am not fearful of being alone because of needing others, but it’s because I become so comfortable in my own company and my own grind that I lose touch and the desire to want to be around others.

I don’t wish to be arrogant (or could even be conflated with narcissistic? Maybe to some audiences I guess) but I really do find interacting with normies and playing their stupid social games where they try to shit test me so very tiresome.

So I’ve been given the golden faucet and I’ll never have a materialistic worry for the rest of my life, to some this would be thrilling, well coming from Perth where all the people I was friends with in highschool went off to grab themselves 6 figure salaries at just hitting 20 and having their houses paid off before being 25, materialism has been a bit of a joke to me for a while.

I guess the culture on the east coast is a bit different, nevertheless here I am, a late bloomer (better late than never)

In the end, it feels rather empty, what’s the point in all these riches with nobody to share it with? It’s the journey that’s the most exciting part, the learning experience, the ups and downs.

Who wants to be with someone that shows up at the finish line? How repulsive.

Anyway that’s it for now I guess.

Oh PS: I have learned to re-connect with my authentic desire to be alternative, there will be some cringe moments involved as I try to nail the desired look, but I trust I will be able to find the perfect balance.

Feels good to at least have that level of normality to my life.

[anoonimthepoorchad]

I feel despair a bit, honestly. I feel like everyone got tired of war and they don't want to hear about it anymore. And that it was just a trend for people I felt connection to for these years.

The thing is, it didn't end at all. And now I don't relate to any trends going on in the internet. The web has been a huge escapism method for me and I learned a lot from people here. I related to them, I empathized with them, I shared their stories all the time with my friends and family. But I feel left alone now.

I wonder if people from east of Ukraine felt like this in 2014. One of the things that the war has taught me is how awful everyone treats refugees. Not that "oh, everyone is so bad and heartless", it's just that people from safe lands get annoyed at refugees easily. The annoyance grows into disrespect and people stop empathizing with those who suffered. It's just sad, idk. I'm so tired and I want to sleep but I also wanted to write a little something here.

I remember I wanted to share this video about Paris being bombed. It was made to show how awful the war would be if we lost. And I love that this video exists because maybe it'll convince people to help our military and our country, but at the same time it sent me back to the first day of the war. I felt like this little shivering scared kitten, crying and weeping of fear. I'm not strong, my peers are much stronger than me. It's just that we were all forced into this war. Forced by putin and his silent majority. I hate them all. I will never be a silent majority. This is also something the war has taught me.

My birthday is on this Wednesday, March 16th, and I'm turning 18yo. Hooray. At least mom and pets came here yesterday.

Why am I still writing all this? Holy fuck do i suck at blogs lmao plus what the fuck is this paragraph. I cannot even blame it on sleepiness, it's just cringe. I'm counting on that noone would read this at this point.

Btw I'll make a post with that Paris video. You do need to see it. It's important. War doesn't come with your consent and you can't be emotionally prepared for it. Even if you're mostly safe, you're forced into agony and trauma. I should make a post about my experience with trauma from the first days in Kyiv.

Also it's Chornobyl, not Chernobyl.

Thanks for reading!