#I am so fucking tired of cleaning up diarrhea

[zenjestrr]

not to be a dick but I cannot wait for my grandfather to move in with my uncle next month

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

11.4.24 Monday--Madness???

8:12 am

Still, have windblow...

Done,washing John's floormats... It is really difficult without the washing machine... This Uncle Jun, I don't know if he is real but he is just assisting on food but something is a mystery.

A mystery just like my fakers Uncle DD... This is not my ideal life,angels... Lack of everything...

It seems that Uncle DD is having a msytery of ritual to curse someone???

Nana is vomiting and having a slight of diarrhea...

Our toilet bowl inside is not yet ohkay... I really wanna cry... I need high-end cleaning materials or modern stuff angels...

Please, make my nana healthy... Angels of death pass the death on someone has a bad heart...

This is plan of Uncle DD or Uncle Jun or plan of my biological mother Bethsilogz???

Does Betsilogz owned the cursing power?

I need a job and money angels...

11:07 am

Still,have windblow...

Uncle DD is super fakers doesn't want us to connect on their electric...

He just said that he connected it but I know just like the bad kid Ivan they didn't plug on the wire inside their house...

Uncle DD is fakers as always... It is really hot angels...

Good thing in a way Uncle Jun is still here... It is so hot...

Uncle DD is our main waiter boy. What did they do??? 17 years??? WHAT DID THEY DO WITH MITCH?

Uncle DD is really a bad person as well,planning things this way...

2:40 pm

Still,have windblow...

I'm so fucking-less tired today... I need to talk to Kuya Erning just to ask if he clean the water filter coz all of us is having a bit of diarrhea... But not accusing just simply asking...

The morning is not good today, it is like a showdown of poops of both nana and John... John poops is in the kitchen floormat but today is somehow huge and 2 poops on 2 other places....

Nana accidentally had her loose poops on the floor before going to the bathroom and inside the bathroom floor. It is really hellish this am... Not my ideal life... I'm earning nothing here hahaha This is my nana and family but I used to be spoiled but we can't afford yaya and helpers anymore...

The connection of electric on Uncle DD is back but it seemed everything were "intentional" scary character...

I need to get a job and I need money... Trying to make friends or get a bf to be my shoulder to lean on these days or a good hearted person to assist me on money... A philantropist with love and care...

8:10 pm

Still,have windblow...

I feel bitterish... I feel frustrated here in Cavite... I feel depress for being a bummer... I can't get a best friend or bf who is religious just willing to assist me now on money...

I feel ugly and old and I'm not happy not getting the vanìties that I want... I feel frustrated...

I feel angry on my cousin's, some old fakers friends even some unfair relatives...

I have mixed-up emotions about everything... This is not my ideal life...

There are people like Uncle DD who is, I "guess",behind of my failures in life... "Perhaps",one of the people who are just at my back to put chaos in my life....Like what I posted here from the previous days,that there are group of people who are organized to destroy my entire future...

Once again, this is not my ideal life... I always want to have love and security... There are so many admiration that I can post here but I feel hopeless and frustrated coz time is passing me by without any security of future or without any stability. I feel fear and I worry so much and I'm not happy...

I don't know if Mitch and some other people that I know from the past years of my life, are having that kind of "chaotic entanglement" and they used my name or me? Coz I was supposed to be the baby...The baby right?

The baby that can be used to link themselves on each other's mystery chain... An unfair entanglement at my back, just like my anger point on my Aunt Ten/Tin and the cousin that I like most my cousin-white, what happened from the past years? If they did have entanglement on people that I know or probably a past crowd or worst a crashing of each other's physical aspect like a blended toppings on the ice cream of first and 2nd degree cousin's. It is a mystery and unfair linking without my knowledge. WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE?

Did Mitch give me those and these "simple batteries"....

The people who are involve on? Since 2007? They met each other, happy without me obviously,right?

I already have these "deep smile lines"... No, Starbucks, I can't go back to gym and no any modern vanities... So saddish... Stealing my men and most didn't like me coz of my poorish situation and some like me but they put them into an unfair maze and some love never strike...

Define Baby? The favorite, the darling of the crowd. Having gathering every now and then... The host... The MC... The guide of the crowd... Always in the center in group picture... Party will not start without her,the baby...

[litterspace]

Wanting to help someone is so fucking hard

I'm supposed to move out this month, before August. And I'm worried my roomate won't be able to afford the unit after I'm gone.

She makes enough to afford it, but she won't go in to work. She's worked 2 days this week, maybe 8 hours total. Out of 40. I woke up at 11:40 AM and she was sat playing on her PS5. Like... I can't do it.

I don't want her to be homeless, I don't want her to struggle, I want everything to be okay. But I've run myself ragged. I've covered rent 2 months in a row, I'm tired of adopts ALL the time bc it's always an emergency.

I've been the sole earner in this apartment for 2 months. She won't go in because she says her back hurts, or her stomach hurts. She wakes up in pain every morning, vomiting, diarrhea, the whole deal. I've begged her to go to the doctor, because leaving this untreated could just make it worse. I've begged her NOT to go to FastPace because FastPace isn't able to diagnose what's proving to be a genuine issue. It's not normal to wake up and immediately die in the bathroom, but she won't go to a doctor no matter how many times I ask.

"I can't afford the doctor." meanwhile she's not gonna be able to pay rent. She won't be able to make her car payment. She won't be able to cover the internet and electricity. She's skipping work because she's sick, and that's WHY she can't afford anything.

My issue is... Thousands of us go to work everyday and work through the most gutwrenching pain every day. Every morning, hundreds of thousands of people are waking up and going to work even though they're in pain- because they still have bills to pay.

And she doesn't realize how fortunate she is to still even have her job. She's been skipping 3/5 days a week, and isn't getting fired because she works for her dad. Her dad has worked at that company for 30 years, he's got the power to decide wether or not his kid can keep her job.

Most of us don't have that. I've never worked for my family, and I know most people don't either. Most people either show up or get fired. She's been skipping for months and hasn't been let go, meanwhile if anyone else did that? Termination.

It's endlessly stressful to me that she gets to "have" a job where she can pick and choose when she feels like going in, often choosing to stay home and play video games and watch TV. But every day she's home? We're not making money.

So then I have to.

And I have been.

But now the leasing office people have been informed that I'm leaving. And with a week left, she won't have worked enough to afford July's rent.

But I can't help. I've tried. I've done it all. I've kept the money flowing, I've kept the dishes washed and the apartment clean. I've kept the world spinning. While she's playing games and watching TV.

I'm tired. Physically I'm tired of making all the money. Mentally, I'm tired of worrying myself to death over someone who's willing to let herself drown and lose her home because she's unwilling to work with a tummyache.

[tommiematthews]

Lighthouse Keeper

15/11/22

My tea has gone cold because I have had my hand on my dick for the past 30minutes trying to write my daily diary entry. It’s hard to taste, the cold tea that is, not my dick, although, in some way they should taste the same, they both, are English breakfasts. I have no direction on these thoughts, the ones on the daily, I am not smart enough to remember my epiphanies and write them down in clear actualisation like the brilliant people. I should take notes, about the things I think about, but when I usually get to you, the computer that is, my mind is beset with a determination to produce absolute verbal diarrhea; it’s a shitty habit. So, I will make a point from now on, to write down any potentials thoughts that may cease the rotations of the earth, cure cancer or ideas that will help farts not to stink anymore. I don’t know if I am inherently lazy, I just wasted another 20minutes scrolling, can’t be fucked writing this and can’t be fucked cleaning the house or doing my uni. Maybe I’m tired, maybe I’m fucking lazy, maybe I feel helpless and if I don’t do anything, this shit few months will pass. Its voting week in the state of Victoria and living in my suburb really makes you feel helpless, helpless helpless. Every BMW that drives past my house revs in a an aggressive arrogance, like I have places to go, get the fuck out of my way. They say that they vote Liberal because our economy is more important than people, the position Australia should be financially cannot be left with the people who believe in the environment or public health. We vote in private school graduates, who went into private health, private offices and private drug addictions. The people we need running the country, are people who know how to act and not embarrasses us when attending yacht parties in the Mediterranean or at the white house. Because image is more important than what a person has to say, how they act, is more important than what they believe. Put a piss ant in a suit, tell them they are important and part of the club and they will manipulate you for capitalist interest. It’s a fucking herarchy, the problem is, they all think they are at the top; they fuck each other’s one wood covers at the golf club and pretend their lifestyle is not a habit. How good it would be to be the king, if every day the only worry was what to do, who to do it with and not whether or not can I afford it, but can I afford to care. Helpless, helpless, helpless; it rings in my ears and weeps out of my heart, it hurts to live around here when you’re dying of a broken heart. Oh, he is just bitter, don’t mind him, he could have done anything but he chose to be a fuck up, dumb with money and a failure at school. I dropped out of school because my parents couldn’t afford to send me to school anymore, I chose to work full time at 15 to help contribute to the family. I loved school, I was good at sport and English and I never wanted to drop out, I wanted to help my family and its taken nearly 15years to finally get a uni degree. Well, you parents shouldn’t have forced you to drop out, or put you in that position. Maybe, maybe, but I don’t know about you, but the older I get in life, I see how easy it is to fall behind, to keep falling behind until you are put in a position of choice, an act of desperations or an act made out of your control from those desperations. Being are inherently good and people are doing the best they can, I don’t blame them and I hope they don’t blame themselves. I know who I was at 15, I was proud, I wanted to make them proud, I would have done anything to help and I guess that’s still the same. Only now, I am happy to walk away, walk away from the drowning ship or do I mean swim away? I have swum away, but I will continue to be a gatehouse keeper to search and warn of trouble. Only now, I will come with helicopters and speedboats, rather than the rope and dinghy I once had, still have, but no longer use.

[blood-decay]

Having an eating disorder isn't just clean pink insides and pretty bones in the mirror.

It's having diarrhea or constipation because you haven't eaten in days.

It's stomach pains that paralyze you.

It's throwing up and the splash of vomit and water coming back at your face from the toilet.

It's the voice in your head that calls you a failure, even if all you had to eat in a day was 5 almonds and a fruit cup.

It's a panic attack when you step on the scale and realize you've put on a pound.

It's sleeping all day because you'd rather be lost in your dreams than awake and hungry.

It's waking up in a cold sweat because even in your dreams you're a pig that can't stop eating.

It's hurting yourself because it's either self-punishment or a way to take the pain of self loathing and relocate it from your brain to your skin.

It's fucking miserable, and I wish this wasn't the brain worm that occupies my mind. This has been my life since I was thirteen, and I am so, so tired.

[mostlymaudlin]

@carryon-countdown day 12: hurt/comfort

korinne is a big meanie for writing this HURTY HURT/comfort but also they inspired me to write this hurt/COMFORT/CRACK to combat how emo i was feeling soooo go teamwork! takes place probably not long after awtwb

“Simon, please just let me in.”

I can just barely hear him on the other side of the bathroom door. Taylor Swift is playing from my phone at full blast — “I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy” — and I’m pretending it’s loud enough to prevent Baz’s vampire ears from hearing what’s going on in here.

I’ve been sick all day. Stomach bug. And not in the cutesy hurling way. I’m in the trenches of never-ending diarrhea.

And now Baz is home from classes, and he won’t just let me be. He insists on making this the most embarrassing experience of my already embarrassing life.

“You don’t want to be in here,” I say. My body makes another noise that makes me want to go back on every promise I’ve made and break up with him right now. Anything to get him to leave. Wartime decisions. “Please just go to Penny’s or Fiona’s or something.”

“I am fully capable of breaking down this door.”

“Do not,” I warn. The knob rattles again, and I growl. I’ve reached a lull — a temporary ceasefire, no doubt — so I clean up, pull up my pants, wash my hands, and stalk over to unlock the door.

Baz doesn’t charge in when I open the door like I think he will. Instead, he leans against the door frame and reaches out to touch his cold hand to my forehead.

“You’re warm,” he says. “Have you been drinking water?”

“No,” I grumble, turning my face into the coolness of his fingers. He straightens up so that he can place both palms on my cheeks, tugging me forward by my face so that he can kiss my temple.

I sag into him, wrapping my arms around his middle. His skin feels more icy than usual, and it’s fucking blissful.

The war isn’t over, though. (Will I ever get to just live in peace?). A hot, loud, gurgling sound erupts in my stomach, and I whimper. I pull away from Baz and shut the door on his frowning face.

“You need to calm down,” Taylor sings to me. “You’re being too loud.”

“Shut the fuck up,” I whine back.

When the round of fire finally subsides, I move myself to the floor next to the bathtub, hugging my knees. There’s a soft knock, then Baz opens the door. I didn’t lock it this time. He sits down across from me and hands me a sports drink. I take a few sips, but the idea of putting more things into my body feels wrong.

“I really wish you would go away,” I mumble, not meeting his eyes. He laughs, so I change course and glare at him.

“How is this the line you don’t want to cross?” Baz asks. He slides closer so that he can bracket my body with his long legs, pulling me against his chest.

“It’s just so gross,” I whine. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“I’ve seen you grosser.” Baz says the words into the top of my head. His arms hold me securely around my shoulders. “I’ve seen you covered in goblin blood. In wereskunk blood. Didn’t you have to collect a giant’s feces for the Mage in seventh year? That was a nightmare.”

“This is me being gross, though,” I argue.

“You’re sick, Simon. And it’s not like I’ve never gone to the bathroom before.”

“I really doubt you’ve ever pooped like this. Not in my presence.”

Baz flicks my bicep, making me flinch.

“No,” he admits. “But you’ve watched me desperately tear into several small animals. That’s definitely more mortifying.”

“Not the same,” I mutter. “That’s hot. This isn’t.”

I can feel his eye roll from here.

“Get over it, love,” Baz whispers. He’s rubbing circles between my shoulder blades. “Because I don’t fucking care.”

I shake my head against his chest. I’m so tired. I wish I could go to sleep. I wish I couldn’t feel the way my intestines were gearing up for the next battle.

Baz hears it brewing too, I think. He sighs, pulling back except for a palm pressed to my too-hot cheek.

“Oh, goddamn, my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand,” Taylor sings. I snort, and Baz smirks at me.

“I’ll leave you for now,” he says, leaning in to brush his lips briefly with mine. “But come out when it stops again. I’ll heat up some broth.”

I spend the rest of the night between the toilet and the sofa, curled up against Baz’s side as he forces me to drink various liquids. Eventually, late in the night, I stop shitting my brains out long enough to fall asleep. The next morning, I wake up in our bed. Baz is pressed up against my back. When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is the white curtains on our open windows. They flutter gently in the summer breeze.

[[now also on ao3 :D]]

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

i am ready

already starting out with a bop

yo this is great

also im tapping my foot as a stim bc these are good

facetime with my mom tonight reminds me of like.....pop videos....like pop music videos, im saying it reminds me of “what do you mean” by justin bieber, as it was also shot in a single room

ah yes the butterfly effect

hello socko

socko be spittin’ facts

aw :( poor socko

NSID

if only the companies during pride month said the same lol (some are legit)

“against racism in theory” uh-

yo butterfingers are kinda nasty (to me)

an avocado

A WHITE WOMANS INSTAGRAM OH MY GOD

damn it got real, you good white woman’s instagram owner

a dreamcatcher bought from urban outfitters oml

some ppl can shut the fuck up lol...i cant, i choose not to

for an hour, hell yes

also this lighting is very nice

yo what the fu-

*cries in inception*

him reacting to him reacting (and on and on) glass after glass, i honestly really like how he portrayed that. that’s kinda how it feels when i go on a tangent, and have to pick up the pieces of my original thought, especially if i’ve lost my train of thought.

IVE HEARD TIKTOK AUDIO OF BEZOS AND I OH MY GOD

ITS SO GOOD

this is going on repeat, and i love the meaning

the scream is really good too

im....horny honestly same

you send me a peach....ill send a carrot back...cool cool

we love asking for consent (as should everyone)

sit why do you have a knife

the sexting song reminds me of “orange juice” by melanie martinez

sir why do you have a knife-

*disassociates*

“well well, look who’s inside again, went out to look for a reason to hide again”

i didnt need to be called out

ah yes a wet hair segment

this is so 80s, giving me “holding out for a hero” we love it

bitch im trying to listen, shit ive been complicit, my brain

age is a very scary thing. i feel like a lot of people start throwing others away once they’ve reached a certain age and that isn’t really okay. people should be able to enjoy what they want to enjoy at any age (within reason, of course). the venom that some people face is so....gross. just because they’re in their 30s and enjoy reading fanfics, or making them like??? they arent hurting anyone, mind your fucking business. im honestly happy that a lot of my pals are older on here. i may not know what the fuck they’re talking about sometimes, but there’s still a lot of shared experiences, and things like that.

im absolutely terrified of getting older. i know and understand that i’m young, i’m literally 15 years old, what do i need to be scared of.....a lot. i just dont have a good relationship with death, and sometimes i lie awake at night, thinking about how nothing in life is permanent, besides the life cycle itself. things live, and things die. and i know it happens, i’ve just yet to accept it.

for so long, i’ve wanted to “be a big kid” and do all these different things, but i just...dont know. i feel like my brain is older than my body. and my thoughts, and things i like. it’s really weird. i’ve been told that im “mature for my age” and all that, which i see as a compliment, rather than someone trying to be a predator. which is understandable in both aspects. but i sometimes wonder if i wasnt...me...y’know. if i wasnt mature for my age, and looked a bit younger. (i look young in general, but eh, you get it) i look tired sometimes, (its because i probably am) but it’s odd. anyways, back to me reacting.

turning 30 is a bop

hes not out of touch, it’s honestly fine to not be on social media and shit

yeah, i already disassociate enough, it happens mostly when im listening to music...hmm

2030 i’ll be 40 and kill myself then.......yeah

ME EXPLAINING WHY I SAY WHAT I SAY SO PEOPLE DONT WORRY

dear lord, yeah its too real

i know i dont want to, but i really just....want things to stop sometimes. so i can breathe, and gather my bearings and get through it. things get a lot and i just need a break.

YO WHY DO I RELATE DEAR LORD

i really need help jesus christ

thank you for cleaning me mr burnham

yes i like the show, im not tired of it, its just fine :)

yo he put a whole game in this shit, hell yeah

yeah i want out of the house, but like......AUGH no

why tf is this so accurate

wake up at literally 4 in the afternoon, feeling like a bag of shit (oh no)

if i mentally feel like shit, i cant sleep it off lol, my dreams exhaust me at that point

“could i interest you in everything all of the time” me listening to tunes

THATS WHERE THE MANIACAL LAUGHING SOUND IS FROM AND IT CUTS OFF I DIDNT KNOW THIS INFORMATION

love ur forehead glowstick dude

i like the idea of it being like...contained, but im sure that im losing it because i havent been like...NEAR OTHER PEOPLE. the pandemmie has NOT been great. anyway.

total disassociation, total out your mind, googling derealization, hating what you find

PLEASE THIS IS TOO ACCURATE

aw :(

its 4 in the morning so my hands are gonna be up, and im just looking at him

this is so beautiful

yo he put a “the living tombstone” on that one

him sitting on the chair reminds me of the one scene in “kill your darlings” where the main character has diarrhea, and they’re sitting on a chair bare ass naked (so they dont have to take the pants off, yada yada) while also writing on a typewriter.

yo this was great

okay i admit that i was mad sad earlier, but like....im fine now. and especially not now. i’ve been told not to watch inside when not in a good mental state, and i get it. im fine now, but that was good. i honestly laughed more than anything. i dont feel like crying. it represented a lot of my thoughts and feelings well. i like it.

[chilvanakin]

If I had to remember how it started, I would have to replay the flashback of being told that when I became obese at 15, that I couldn’t “come crying”. I was 8 when my dad told me this. Afterwards, I had this increasing feeling of being in the wrong body, like I had been misplaced at birth and was suddenly realizing it. I looked around at everyone else, having fun and enjoying their childhood while I compared me to them. I compared me to my best friend who I often I asked, “why can’t I look like you?”

I felt misplaced in a body that was my own, always had been, because someone else told me I was. How do you teach an 8 year old to go on a diet? I loved food, I was a picky eater but aren’t we all at that age? So how do you tell them that they need to change and that they don’t look pretty enough without traumatizing them? My dad now reafirms that he only said that to me because he wanted me to have high self esteem. He wanted me to “take care of myself”.

I developed anorexia at 14. I became obsessed with diet culture, “clean” eating, and exercising until I colapsed. I used my notebooks for tracking my daily intake and writing hateful messages to myself. I would motivate myself through my own hatred. Slowly, I decreased my meals until they weren’t even meals anymore. I thought I was being “healthy” by going on 3 to 4 day fasts, thinking that the kiwi I had before I began was enough. Newsflash, it wasn’t. But I continued.

My family situation got complex during this time. My parents were separated and I felt alone. I distanced myself from my friends and I had also stopped going to school. Everytime I talked to my dad through Skype, he would comment on how I was too thin. Amazingly so, I thought he was complimenting me. I got more and more obsessed, the loss of my period and hair became my motivation. The internet was my best friend because I read all about the “tips & tricks” of starving. I was tired, lonely, cold and angry. I had no patience and I was insufferable. This is what being malnourished will do to you.

After months and months of these rituals that and rules that seemed like an endless of “how to die in 10 days”, I tried to recover. How? By getting into fitness. I did Insanity while I was recovering, which was bullshit because that is NOT recovery. I didn’t challenge myself, I didn’t give my body time to rest- I exercised every day, I underfed and I normalized exhaustion. I was terrified of chocolate, processed foods and fats. The thought of putting on weight became a source of nightmares, LITERALLY. I would have NIGHTMARES about looking down at my body and seeing fat start to accumulate over my bones. Somehow, I thought that since I was exercising and eating more than my standard oatmeal and toast, that I was recovered.

I went to live with my father at 15. I feel like this decision shaped me as a person because I was forced to grow up way too fast. I made choices that no one should make a 15 year old make. At this point in time, I had put on weight and I was no longer exercising. My dad had a baby with this girlfriend of the time and all I wanted to do was be with my new baby brother. I didn’t think about food or dieting because I felt like somehow, watching him eat made me be at peace with food. My baby brother was growing and being nourished by the food we gave him and I wanted to make sure he was never hungry. It made me feel so happy to watch him laugh and wobble his way over to his mom for lunch time. I loved seeing him nibbling with a toothless mouth on a soft cookie, and offering the slobbered leftovers to me. That all stopped very suddenly, because my dad would start to make comments. Not only him, but his girlfriend too. Comments about how I was “eating too much” and how I “would look better if I was smaller”. I was experiencing extreme hunger when I moved in with my dad, because I had stopped exercising and my body no longer was focusing the energy on repairing my muscles, it was focusing on repairing me as a whole. I HAD to eat a lot because I needed to be healthy again. This was thrown completely out of the window and I caved into my disordered brain again. I felt almost grateful to them for motivating me to start losing weight again because I thought that it meant that they cared. So the food rules started again. It’s just that this time I didn’t need to learn the tips and tricks, I already knew them. Losing weight was easier now, and faster. So 2013 was the year I dedicated to my disorder. I restricted long enough that my hunger cues began to fade away. I thought that my body had gotten used to what I was eating. A green apple in the morning, some lettuce leaves and half a red bell pepper for lunch, and a single serving of prepackaged soup at night. My brain stopped screaming at me and I stopped thinking. I was reduced to being a zombie of my disorder. I stopped singing, I stopped writing, I stopped making art. I never cried, I laughed only when I was around other people. My body felt numb. I felt numb.

I remember taking showers and watching as day by day the fur growing all over my bones got longer and longer. I later found out that this is called “lanuga” which happens when you have lost an extreme amount of fat and your body reacts as an attempt at survival by growing these hairs, desperately trying to protect you. I felt tired, I couldn’t carry my baby brother anymore. He would ask me to hold him and I would try, but be very afraid of dropping him so I would have to refuse. I remember how upset he looked, we were so close. He loved being with me but I was so scared of him watching me do these things to myself. What if he learned from me? What if my actions stayed in his subconscious? I tried putting distance between us because of my fears. I hate myself for that because I miss him so much now, I miss the days we would spend and the naps we would take. I can’t take back that time.

We went to the doctor because I now, was at the brink of death. Truly I wish that I could say I’m being dramatic about that, but I’m not. My heart was weak and I could barely move. I was no longer sleeping and even sitting down hurt. My bones felt like knives crushing into my skin. I learned that I was at risk of heart failure and if I didn’t start recovering now, the next step would be having a tube thrusted down my throat. Force feeding. I couldn’t ever let that happen so I decided to once again, embarc on a lonely recovery path. As soon as I left the doctors, I told my dad to buy me chocolate. In response, he was annoyed. He thought that I was going to use my “verge of death illness” as an excuse to get obese. I cannot make this up y’all. He didn’t buy me shit and barked at me about how “you can eat at home”. Please, if anyone you know is going through restrictive eating disorder and they say they want chocolate- BUY THEM THE FUCKING CHOCOLATE!

I began refeeding and it was the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. I couldn’t stomach food. I would eat and instantly have diarrhea. I had to have baby sized portions of food to be able to hold it down. This caused my weight to drop more, so I was now at the point where I actually did need to be hospitalized. I was afraid that I was going to die at any given point of the day. My dad once told me that “just because you have to start eating again doesn’t mean you can get as fat as you used to be”. I cried. This was the first time I had cried in so long. My numbed down feelings reflourished. The hate, the anger, the sadness I bottled up began overflowing. I didn’t stop eating, I gave myself the time I had to so I could stabilize myself. I was sent to go spend a few months with my dad’s girlfriend’s family. I barely knew these people, but they couldn’t handle me being this sick anymore. They didn’t want me. I was a bad influence to my brother. I was hurting them. My dad would have hated me if I told him I needed to be in the hospital, because that’s too much money so this was the easy way out. I guess if I needed to be hospitalized while I was there, it wouldn’t have to come out of his pocket.

I hated being away from my baby brother. I hated acting happy all the time when I was so depressed and furious. I tried making friends during my time away and all of them idolized my sick body. They asked me how I got to that point. I remember telling them I was sick, that I had to eat. They made me feel like that wasn’t neccesary, that I looked like a model. I ate anyway. I couldn’t go back home and still be sick, that would mean that I would be hated by them and maybe even have to leave home.

After a few months I gained some weight. I went back home. I asked my dad’s girlfriend if I was “fine now”, as in “am I not scary anymore”. She said I still looked very thin, but that it was fine. She told me not to go overboard. This meant “DO. NOT. GET. FAT.”

My dad and his girlfriend separated after a year and a half of my recovery. This whole period was very stressful since I was left alone with my dad. I was weight restored and I found some kind of peace with having no peace. I lived with the comments as a daily thing. “Don’t eat that, why don’t you do some arm exercises, you don’t really want that, why don’t those pants fit you anymore.” I got used to feeling foreign in my body. So being extremely malnourished was bad, bein inbetween wasn’t good enough and being restored to my set weight was just awful. I had no idea who I was or what I was supposed to be. I hated myself and I got used to that.

I am now 23 years old and I relapsed a few months ago. I understand now that I was never recovered. I was begging for help for years, but I got irritation and annoyance as a response. I never stopped having food rules, I never stopped being afraid of food. I cannot recover until my brain is completely rewired. I have to eat. I have to lose my fear around food. I have to HATE my disorder and push it out of every one of my pores until I am completely cleansed of it. I remember reading about how “this disorder never leaves you and you will always struggle with it”. I believed that for so long. I believed that I was never going to stop being afraid. I’m tired of feeling comfortable with my anorexia when it has ruined me to the point of feeling completely astranged from my body. I want to know who I am and not hate myself for it. I can’t recover fully until I rewire myself. Keep this with you. You cannot believe you are recovered just because some doctor tells you that you are weight restored. Your food rules need to disappear competely, you need to challenge yourself even if it terrifies you. I am so afraid, but I don’t ever want to go down this disordered path again. I want to spend time with the people that love me and not let anything get in my way. I am young and I am smart. So are you. Eat your fears.

[starlightiing]

Poop a fucking palooza at my house this morning. Koki had diarrhea and I had to clean that up. Bailey decided to poop in her kennel. The puppies pooped and stomped all in it and got it everywhere. Luna was the only well behaved doggo this morning.

So much poop. I had to clean up so much poop. And I'm still sick. I'm tired beyond belief from being sick. And my patience is low.

I am wishing myself a very happy Can I Die?

😂

[glowrioustrash]

Well That’s Embarassing

Summary: Mox goes to the mall with his girlfriend but quickly grows bored. Luckily, they have a game they play sometimes where they try to embarrass each other in public.

Pairing: Jon Moxley x OC (Dani)

Word Count: 1500+

Warnings: False, humorous accusations of kinks and medical issues? It’s an odd one, feel free to message me if you have concerns. The whole premise is them saying fake things in public to embarrass each other so it gets pretty silly.

Author’s Note: Hey, I’m alive! Well obviously I am, I have been reblogging stuff but I wrote a thing! Wow! Thanks to @kingcorbean and @vonschweetz for their help in it <3 The post that gave me the initial idea is at the very end.

Also apparently in the time I’ve been gone they took away line breaks? Gross.

I don’t have any tag list anymore it’s been eons, but I’m also tagging @robwiethoff because I love her.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Just go by yourself.”

“But that’s not as fun.”

“So?”

A groan was his only warning before his lap was suddenly occupied. Dani’s legs hung over the arm of the chair he was sitting in as her arms wrapped around his shoulders. He made a show of it, letting a woosh of air escape as if she had knocked the wind out of him - she couldn’t knock the wind out of him even if she tried, he was used to being tackled by men 3 times her size.

“C’mon Mox.” She pouted at him.

“I don’t want to go to the mall.” He told her plainly, his face unamused even as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He might not be interested in going to the mall, but he’d never be upset about his girl in his lap.

“Jon.” She whined, dragging out his name. He responded by mocking her, whining wordlessly back at her. She tried to fight back the laughter at his girlish noise but a small smile broke through.

“Just go to the mall. Take my card, get whatever you want.” He offered.

“But who will tell me if I look good if you’re not there?” She huffed, leaning into his chest.

“Someone who works there.” He shrugged.

“They tell you look good in everything so you buy more.”

“They’re right, you do look good in everything.”

“Jon.” She whined again, adding a wiggle of her hips for good measure.

“You really want me to go?” He sighed.

“Yes.” She sat up, smiling brightly at him.

“You want me to go, be miserable, make fun of all the stores we go into, and sit around while you try on clothes?” He reiterated, trying to make her reconsider.

“Yes.”

“You want me to complain the whole time we’re walking around, asking how much longer until we can leave, reminding you every 5 minutes that you owe me big time?”

“Did I mention I’m stopping at Victoria’s Secret?”

“Why didn’t you say so, woman?!” His entire demeanor changed, perking up at the thought. He tightened his arms around her as he stood, picking her up. She laughed as he started walking towards the garage. “Let’s go to the mall!”

It didn’t take long for Moxley to grow bored of the mall as Dani wanted to stop in at several other stores before Victoria’s Secret. They were in some home decor store when he decided to try and hurry it along. He saw a horse figurine and picked it up before calling her name loudly.

“Hey Dani, we should get this for your sister. You know, the one that likes to fuck horses.” He spoke loudly, making sure any shoppers in the area could hear.

Dani’s eyes widened at first before narrowing, knowing exactly what game they were about to be playing. They’d done this a million times before, trying to embarrass the other in public for fun.

*****

The airport was busy around them as they said goodbye. Dani was used to him leaving to go back on the road, but it was harder now that he was wrestling in Japan. It was so much farther, the time difference was huge. He was going to be gone for almost a whole month before he got a chance to come visit.

“I gotta go.” He spoke softly, the moment just for them in the hustle and bustle of the airport.

“I know.” She admitted sadly, tears threatening to spill over as she loosened her grip on him.

“I’ll call every day.” He promised.

“You better or I’ll fly there to kick your ass.” She threatened weakly.

“If that’s the case, maybe I won’t call.” He teased, making her laugh softly.

“Don’t you dare.” She pouted, pulling him in for a quick kiss.

“Miss you already.” He murmured against her lips.

“Miss you more.” She replied, reluctantly releasing her hold on him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Let me know when you land.”

“Always do.” He pecked her on the lips once more before joining the line through security.

Dani brushed away at the tears that had started to fall, cursing herself for being so emotional as she watched him progress through the line. She was happy for him, this is what he wanted to do. He was happy and healthy, he had a spark he’d been missing for years.

“Hey Jon!” She called out to him, refusing for their good bye to be so mushy. “Take care of that rash, okay!”

He grinned, taking a few steps forward as the line moved. “Okay, but remember to wipe front to back while I’m gone.” He called back.

Dani laughed, seeing the shocked and disgusted looks on the people around him in line. “I will. Your hemorrhoid cream is packed in your carry-on. Take care of your butthole.”

“Thanks for letting me borrow it.” He answered as he moved to the front of the line. He lowered the shades he was wearing to wink at her before stepping into the area where she couldn’t see him anymore.

*****

“No, no. She didn’t fuck a horse. She said that being with another man after you was *like* fucking a horse.” Dani shot back. “Because of your tiny penis.”

“Your mom didn’t think it was tiny.” He shrugged, setting the figurine back on the shelf.

“My dad had a micropenis, I wouldn’t trust her.” Dani responded flippantly as she continued to browse.

By the time he had his comeback loadad, asking her how she knew, she’d already moved to the next aisle.

Point Dani. Game on.

...

“I don’t care if you consent, I’m not putting all of these candlesticks in your ass.”

Point Mox.

...

“Oh, we need to get some puppy pads. I’m tired of cleaning your explosive diarrhea out of the carpet.”

Point Dani.

...

“This dress would look really nice on you, but it might show off all those boils you’re trying to hide.”

Point Mox.

...

“I’m not comfortable bringing any blow-up holiday decorations into the house until you can promise you’re not going to try to have sex with it.”

Point Dani.

...

It carried on throughout several stores and it didn’t speed up their shopping at all, but at least Moxley was having fun now. By the time they made it to the final stop, his arms were full of bags from the other stores. His annoyance of being dragged along and having to carry all Dani’s bags lessened as he wondered what in the store Dani was going to be trying on.

“You can go set those down and sit in the boyfriend chair if you want.” She told him with a peck to his cheek. Mox nodded and headed to the back of the store where he’d find the chair. He stopped a few racks away from Dani as he saw a display mannequin wearing a lacy blue thing with straps all over the place.

“How about this?” He pointed it out to her, wiggling his eyebrows.

Dani dropped the bra she was looking at and came to see what he was pointing out. She looked it over, feeling the fabric between her hands. “It’s nice,” she agreed, “but the last time you wore lace you complained about the chafing.” She smirked.

Before he could respond, she shot him a challenging look and picked one up off the table, the look clearly saying that if he wanted her to try it on, he should accept the defeat. He kept his mouth shut, not entirely sure who won the point considering he was walking away quite happy with himself.

After browsing, Dani made her way to the change room to try things on. She stepped out of the room to get his opinion on a few of them (his opinion always varying degrees of “yes get it” and “wow that’s hot”) but kept a few for later surprises. When she left the change room ready to buy, she had an armful of multicolored garments, lace and silk and cotton all mixed in.

Moxley stood behind her while the items were being scanned and bagged. He was happy to notice the strappy blue piece made the cut - she hadn’t let him see it on so it must be good.

“I’m going to rip that off of you with my teeth.” He claimed happily as he watched the piece being folded gently. Dani looked back at him in surprise while the cashier turned pink at the declaration.

“Stop it, that’s embarrassing.” Dani admonished with a gleam in her eye. “You’re my brother, you need to stop saying things like that.”

Mox sputtered as the cashier looked up in shock at the two of them. The poor woman quickly looked back down and focused on finishing the transaction. She took the credit card without looking either of them in the eye, running off as soon as she handed Dani her bags. Dani handed them off to a still shocked Moxley, who followed her dumbly out of the store.

“You okay back there?” Dani finally asked once they had passed a few stores, looking back over her shoulder at him.

“You’re gonna pay for that,” was the only thing he could think to say.

“I assumed I would.” She shrugged coyly as she slowed down to walk beside him.

“Tonight.” He promised.

“I’ll be the one in blue.”

[arcanesupern0va]

Down With The Rickness; Ch3: Scene Of The Crime

Summary: Vindicators 3: The Return of World Ender? Never heard of him either.

A/N: Thank you for reading this far and thank you so much for your continued support. ♥ So I think the next one is gonna be a Halloween inspired one. I watched a movie last night that I really wanted to just force Rick into so I think that's what's going to happen. Probably won't be anywhere near as oooey gooey as this one was but I can't resist making Rick a goshdang sap because it's my god given right. Hahaha. Be sure to let me know what you think! Unless it's mean and just generally not constructive in which case pls don't because I am soft and my feelings bruise easily.

CW: Thar be Drunk Rick here. And blatant use of an episode.  Pairing: Rick Sanchez/Reader Word Count: 6704

My ao3

Masterlist

~Rick In The Water~

|Ch2: Silhouettes|

Surprisingly, it was a horrid stench that woke me up, along with Morty gently nudging me into consciousness. I groaned, rolling over and bringing the blanket up to cover my nose and save me from the horrendous smell that had permeated the room.

“C-Come on Aunt Nova, we gotta go,” Morty murmured, shaking me again before standing up and moving away from the bed. “Rick, uh- He had one hell of a night last night.”

Whatever I had been imagining didn’t match what I found in the conference room. Rick was splayed out, completely coated with shit and sleeping peacefully despite it. I clasped my hand to my face trying desperately to purge the image from my brain before it made itself at home. I turned to focus on Supernova and Morty, turning my back on Rick completely.

“Good morning. Looks like your boyfriend had a long night,” she remarked. My cheeks burned as I peeked around her despite myself, seeing the full extent Rick’s mess went to. “Crocubot, why don't you escort Mr. Sanchez to a more comfortable spot so that someone can… clean up his diarrhea.”

“Whoa, I'm nervous about my first mission,” Noob Noob declared proudly, entering the conference room toting multiple weapons.

“Actually Noob Noob, you have a new mission,” Supernova told him coldly, flicking her wrist to replace the weapons with a mop.

“Got damn,” he said sadly, resigning himself to his new “mission”.

“Vindicators, prepare for arrival. Worldender dies today, with or without Rick’s help.” She ordered, leading us to the ship we would be descending to Worldender’s hideout planet in.

My head was still reeling as the ship took off from the main ship and soared down to Worldender’s planet. Morty kept me calm, explaining the different Vindicators to me before we were forced to drop down onto the planet from midair. Vance grabbed my waist with a sly grin, pulling me uncomfortably close to him before jumping out of the back and landing safely on the ground below. I pulled away from him quickly, only to be confronted with the pungent smell of burning flesh and rotting corpses as I surveyed my surroundings. Most of the planet seemed to be composed of corpses and bones and it just reinforced my assumption that the vast majority of space was just disgusting. Vance offered me a handkerchief to cover my nose with but I politely declined, not wanting to offer him any more of an ‘in’ than he already thought he had. I used the sleeve of my shirt instead, pressing it against my face hard enough that the skin ached around my nostrils from the pressure.

“A-Aunt Nova, are you okay?” Morty asked, looking up at me with concern plastered all over his face but noticeably unbothered by the smell.

“Y-Yeah,” I coughed, unsurprised the air tasted as bad as it smelled, “how are you so relaxed right now? This place fucking reeks.”

“Oh, Rick implanted me with a scent filter for my nose. There was a planet that smelled like burnt tires and rotten eggs and he got tired of hearing me complain about it,” Morty explained, “Sure, it’s based off Rick’s preferences so I haven’t smelled lavender and sweet pea in over a month but whatever you’re going through looks like it sucks.”

“So you can’t smell anything right now?” I asked, astonished.

“Nope,” he shrugged, “right now all I can smell is your shampoo and Vance’s cologne.”

“Must be fuckin’ nice,” I grumbled, staring at the ground ahead of me as we followed behind Supernova.

Drones approached us at an alarming pace but Supernova made quick work of them using the powers of whatever the “Star Mother” was. We advanced, only to come to a total dead end. This time it was Alan Rails’ turn, somehow creating a train to blast through the wall so we could advance further.

“Is it just me, or are their powers a little… stupid?” I whispered under my breath to Morty, only to earn an annoyed sigh.

“You sound just like Rick. These are actual superheroes, Aunt Nova. Most people just get movies but you’re actually in the presence of people that do everything they can for the better good,” Morty chastised.

“Like, I get that but even you have to admit they’re pretty lame. I mean, sure Supernova uses powers from some ‘Star Mother’ but like, the one guy is literally just an amalgamation of ants? And Alan can just call on the power of trains? Ghost trains? In what way could that possibly be helpful other than complete and utter destruction?”

“You don’t get it-”

“Aah! Gun Turret,” Million Ants interrupted us.

“Are you alright?” Supernova asked, concern flooding her voice.

“Yes. I only lost 400 ants. My queen is laying more,” he assured her as the holes in his chest mended in front of us, “I am back to one million ants,” he announced proudly as a look of relief flashed over Supernova’s features.

“Someone wake up Sanchez,” she demanded, glaring as she watched Crocubot toss Rick gracelessly onto the ground as Vance bent over him.

“H-Hey, wait- What are you doing?” I started nervously, as Vance pointed a finger at his face. Supernova shook her head briskly at me, holding up a hand as the tip of Vance’s finger opened and a blue gas emerged from it.

“Ugh,” Rick groaned, his bloodshot eyes taking in his surroundings as he familiarized himself with his location. “Oh, christ.”

“Oh, good. You’re up,” Supernova remarked sarcastically.

“Barely,” Rick growled, pulling himself to his feet.

“Rick, we're taking fire from an automated turret. Can you bring it offline?”

Rick grunted in response, pulling out a thermos as we watched him mix chemicals to produce a small creature. He held the plump creature over his eyes, squeezing it and relishing in the relief the liquid it produced offered.

“Ahh, that’s better,” he sighed, blinking away the bloodshot in his eye and looking around the room. His eyes fell on me and for a moment, a look of fear passed through them. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“Rick!” Supernova shouted, irritated by the delay.

“I can’t help if I can’t see,” Rick shot back, shaking away his concerns for a moment and pulling out a small roving device that scurried over the floor into the line of fire. The top opened to allow a transparent disc to absorb the bullets before it spit out three compact discs that morphed into small robots. They climbed on top of each other, propelling themselves up onto the turret and fixating themselves over the barrel. Rick winked at me before jumping in front of the turrets in a ‘ta-da’ pose and I felt my heart drop as the turrets began shooting. I’ve moved to go after him, to pull him out of what I assumed to be certain doom but he turned to face me, grinning like a madman as the turrets fired until they exploded.

“And that’s how you do it, baby.”

“I could've just used a ghost train,” Alan grumbled, shoving past Rick and continuing through the door.

“Really? You don't say. You would have used a ghost train?” Rick gloated, rolling his eyes as he looked around the room. “H-Hey, everybody, the ghost train guy would have used a ghost train!” The rest of the Vindicator and Morty pushed passed him, mumbling under their breath and shooting looks of disgust and irritation at Rick as they passed.

“Is there coffee?” Rick asked, stopping Morty as he pressed on past his grandfather, the disgust and irritation even more prevalent on his face than the rest of them, “H-Hey, Morty, can you be a pal? Grandpa left his coffee maker on the ship. Y-You know, the French press thing?”

“Get it yourself,” Morty shot back, going around his grandfather to follow the rest of the team. As I passed him, that same look of fear covered his face as he looked me over, making sure I was okay. Once he seemed satisfied, he turned away to follow the group silently. We navigated the halls to Worldender’s lair in silence, Rick focusing in on Morty to avoid having to face me.

“You’re sni-uuuuurp-ppy this morning,” Rick remarked, following closely behind Morty while also keeping a watchful eye on my progress behind him.

“Just focus on the mission, alright,” Morty snapped, not interested in anything his grandfather had to say at this point.

“Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, you're right. Ooh, real serious. Gotta take it real serious, huh?” Rick said mockingly, glaring at the back of the Vindicator’s heads.

“Rick…” I called out gently, trying to relieve Morty of the punishment of dealing with his hungover grandfather. Rick turned to face me finally, a bit too eagerly for his liking it seemed as he groaned and stopped in his tracks to wait for me to catch up.

“H-Hey, Nova,” he grumbled as I caught up, “You shouldn’t have come.”

“And what, miss out on all the fun?” I chuckled. “Seems like you’ve had one hell of a night.” I watched him carefully, trying to ignore the part of me that was simply relieved that he was awake.

“Yeah, I got, uh, upset,” he shrugged, sidestepping a corpse as we entered a large room.

“I didn’t mean-”

“It’s fine,” he said, cutting me off. “What are you even doing here? You know this is supposed to be incredibly dangerous right?”

“I figured you’d be here,” I shrugged, holding my arm against me and rubbing it.

“Jesus,” Rick muttered, shaking his head.

“Son of a steam engine! They're all dead!” Alan interrupted before Rick could say anything else. I took the room in only to find it littered with corpses, posed in various sex positions.

“Why would Worldender do this to his own men... and several women?” Crocubot asked, confusion leaking into his robotic tone.

“Well, he is the Worldender. The guy ends worlds. Kind of his thing,” Vance said, rolling his eyes. Rick kept moving forward, not interested in the massacre only to step on a hidden panel on the floor. A large hook bearing a corpse swung down from the ceiling in front of us, leaving Vance to cry out in horror, “What the fuck?!”

“It’s Worldender!” Supernova exclaimed, “What happened to him?” Worldender let out a weak moan, alerting us that he was still alive. I stared in horror as the monster on the hook gurgled in agony at us, unable to form any true speech.

“I sense his life force is fading,” Million Ants remarked, moving closer to take a better look.

“Million Ants, ladies and gentlemen! The ant colony with the power of two human eyes!” Rick snarled, unable to help himself. Worldender sputtered some more before an organ flew out of his mouth. “All right. Short mission, good mission. Remember when Alan wanted to use a ghost train? See you guys in Vindicators 4. Morty, Nova?”

“Rick, whoever did this is an even bigger threat than Worldender! We can't leave now!” Morty exclaimed nervously, looking to me for assistance.

“He's right. This is far from over,” Supernova insisted, hovering over to Rick.

“Well, have fun with that. But we have a comet girl, a monorail man, two assholes, and a full alligator to meet in, like, an hour,” Rick dismissed her, ready to head back through the door to the lair. As he turned to leave, however, a large shutter descended in front of him. It missed him by a hair as all of the exits sealed up immediately and left only one remaining door. The Vindicators and Morty prepared themselves for a fight but Rick grabbed my arm and dug into his lab coat for his portal gun, only to come up empty.

“Shit,” I murmured, the real terror of the situation descending on me quickly, realizing whatever had locked us in here truly had us stuck and Rick didn’t have a way out.

“I sense the presence of a greater evil,” Million Ants remarked looking around the room as if whatever it was would pop out at us immediately at his revelations. A large monitor descended from the ceiling, much to my surprise and it immediately cut to a video of a very drunk Rick.

“Check, check, One, two. Okay, is it recording? Good. Hello, Vindicators. Welcome to your reckoning, babyyyyy,” Drunk Rick held the last word out as we all turned to look at him.

“Well, it's official. I had too much to drink last night,” Rick remarked sheepishly, not quite meeting my eye.

“Rick, what did you do?” I asked nervously, my eyes darting around every corner.

“To be honest with you, I don’t really remember,” Rick admitted quietly, his eyes still trained on the monitor.

“ If you guys are watching this, you're, you know, the Vindicators,” Drunk Rick slurred, adjusting the camera to assure he was in the frame.

“R-Rick… buddy…” Vance started, training one of his wrist-mounted pistols on Rick as he looked him up and down cautiously, “What’s, uh, what’s going on?”

“Obviously, I came here last night during a blackout,” Rick told him flatly, gesturing up at the screen.

“Obviously?” Supernova demanded, exasperated, “You came here and defeated our arch-nemesis while so drunk, you don't remember doing it? That's something ‘obvious’ to you?”

“Look, I'm a lit-little more complex than you guys and, no offense, but I've always suspected that a lot of what you do in a year could be knocked out in a couple of hours,” Rick replied nonchalantly. Supernova opened her mouth to speak again but instead trained her attention on the screen.

“...So I thought, why not just do your job for you so we can have a little fun game,” Drunk Rick mumbled, pointing to the left where a spotlight flashed on and illuminated a large board with each of the Vindicators on it along with a defining trait for each of them.

“Rick, what did you do?” I demanded again, eyeing him nervously myself now.

“Is this a ‘Saw’ thing?” Morty asked angrily, moving closer to the board to investigate closer, “Are you ‘Saw’-ing the Vindicators?”

“I’m a drunk Morty, not a hack,” Rick snapped, looking around the room nervously.

“I certainly hope you idiots didn’t bring Nova with you because if you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die. Like in *uuuuurp* ‘Saw’,” Drunk Rick finished clumsily. Rick’s eyes met mine nervously and my mouth went dry.

“Well, I-I-I think we've seen enough. I'll just figure out how to unplug this,” Rick hurried off quickly looking for a plug while the rest of us stared up at the screen as Drunk Rick continued his tirade.

“Okay, here we go, room number one. The Vindicators are known throughout the galaxy, but do they know yourselves? Do you know yourselves? Match your... your shit, your... your gimmicks with your faces and y-you get it, it's a matching thing. And do it in three minutes, or you'll *uuurp* all die.”

“Screw this, I’m not playing his game,” Vance declared. “I'm gonna find us a way out of here.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Vance. He said we'd die if you tried to leave,” Rick reasoned, stepping in front of Vance, “I really don’t give a fuck about you but I can’t let Nova die, why in the hell did you assholes let her come again?”

“I informed her of the risks yesterday, she seemed assured that you would keep her safe,” Supernova told him coolly, much to his irritation.

“Th-this guy probably knew she’d be too stubborn to listen to any of you assholes so here’s hoping he didn’t go too crazy with the booby traps.” Rick was trying to convince himself as well as the rest of us as paced back and forth.

“Why are you acting like that's not you?!” Vance demanded hysterically.

“What part of ‘blackout’ don't you understand? I thought you drank?” Rick snarled, looking up from the floor.

“Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho trailer-park shit!” he bellowed, looking around the room for some kind of reassurance that he was in fact not the crazy one.

“Vance, stay calm…” Morty said cautiously, bringing Vance’s wrath down on him instead.

“Oh, so you're the leader now because we gave you a jacket?! You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo-ops with!” Vance reamed Morty, his breathing quickening with every syllable. I moved to step in, to defend my godson against the sudden onslaught from his heroes when he shook his head at me quickly and swallowed his hurt.

“Okay, ouch, but-”

Vance began hyperventilating fully again, fanning his face against the red that was inching its way up from his collar. “Okay, this... this is triggering me. I need space. I-I need SPACE! FROM THIS!”

Before anyone could stop him, Vance engaged his rocket propellers after eyeing a conveniently placed vent in the ceiling. He shot his way up to it, ripping away the grate and flying into it. Sounds of saws and gunshots echoed as we could do nothing but watch as Vance’s legs contorted in agony before plummeting back down and landing in front of us. We stared in abject horror as one of the rocket boots kicked back to life and started flying around the room leaving a trail of blood in its wake.

“I really wish I could say I was sorry about that one,” I murmured numbly, staring at the rocketing foot until Crobubot finally took aim and shot it out of the air. “What the fuck is going on right now?”

“H-Hey, Nova,” Rick started, moving closer in an attempt to comfort me but I winced away from his touch, “it’s gonna be okay, I’m not going to let-”

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn't crush your windpipe!” Alan interrupted, grabbing Rick by the throat and holding him against the wall.

“Wait, no!” I grabbed Alan’s arm, trying my hardest to pull him away from Rick. I may not be able to reconcile all of this away right now, but I still couldn’t bear to watch him hurt. Alan looked over his shoulder for a moment, pushing me down to the ground with a malicious glint in his eye that was all too familiar before returning his attention to Rick.

“Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defense mesh,” Rick answered coldly, strange electricity covering his body before Alan was launched back away from him. “And because, like I said, I don't remember last night.”

“I told you not to invite this mummified motherfucker back!” Alan bellowed from the ground, shooting a dirty look over his shoulder at Supernova.

“Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me or if you touch another hair on Nova’s head, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train,” Rick snarled, taking a step toward him and leaning down to really drive his point home.

“Guys!” Morty called over to us, “I figured it out.” While Rick and Alan had been fighting, Morty had taken to solve the puzzle Rick had set up for the Vindicators. “I figured I didn’t want to die so I better actually figure this shit out before this asshole gets us killed.”

“Congrats! You did i-uuuurp-it!” Drunk Rick slurred proudly when the monitor flashed back on. The door opened, revealing our path forward.

“It was a bit. All of the descriptors apply to all of you,” I murmured, reading the descriptors and matching them up to what little Morty had told me about the Vindicators, “Drunk Rick's point is that none of you are very special or different.”

“That's always his point,” Morty affirmed, despondent.

“Let's just get through this as quickly as possible. Then, we'll deal with the three of you,” Supernova said contemptuously, hovering past Rick and me.

“Th-Three of us?” Morty exclaimed, looking heartbroken before he turned his ire to Rick, “I hope you're proud of yourself!”

“Uh, I kind of am. I saved the goddamn universe.”

“That's not the issue, Rick!”

“Ahh, it would've been if I hadn't.”

*+*

We made our way through the next room, losing Crobubot in the process. Drunk Rick appeared on another monitor again, this time sporting a deerstalker cap and presenting a large map for the puzzle of the room. Crobubot’s confidence had chosen to reveal even more questionable backstory about the Vindicators from when Rick hadn’t been with them. This time it was concerning an entire planet they had to destroy because they couldn’t locate their target at the time, something called Doomnomitron. I was stuck watching in real-time as glimmers of hope and respect Morty held for the team started to rapidly deteriorate. Rick pointed out that he could’ve just created a device to seek out Doomnomitron but apparently it had been Alan’s call not to call Rick back.

Morty solved the puzzle yet again and the in-fighting only worsened as we made our way into the next room. This time Drunk Rick was wearing one of my old Hawaiian t-shirts, holding up a coconut filled with more booze.

“Aloha... means hello and goodbye in Hawaii. But, uh, aloha means... has nothing to do with this room,” Drunk Rick sputtered as his head rolled around loosely on his shoulders. “I'm so fucking drunk. Nova’s going to be so mad at me in the morning. Jesus Christ, she better not be in here with you.” Rick’s eyes met mine, unspoken apologies and frustration boiling over. “Ugh, okay, here's the deal. I-I want to rest my eyes for a little bit. I'm--I'm not going to sleep. I just... just need to rest my eyes, so let's make this one simple. Just try to hit some three-pointers.” Lights came on to light up a basketball hoop and a small bomb rigged to blow. “Let's say... you have to hit... five three-pointers in... five minutes or, I don't know, the whole place--the whole planet will get blown up with a n-neutrino bomb. And try to make it a-a lesson about yourselves like, like how... selfish you a-are, or something. Also, Hawaii,” he rambled, his head resting on the desk for a moment. This time, however, the video didn’t cut out and just continued playing as Drunk Rick struggled to keep the contents of his stomach within.

“Jesus Christ,” Rick murmured, staring at himself on the screen before Morty grabbed his arm and dragged him over the neutrino bomb.

“M-Maybe I should take N-Nova to Hawaii,” Drunk Rick mused, stifling down the urge to vomit as he rolled his head back and forth on his workbench, “She thinks I hate her… The fuck is she thinking? I can’t even get up in the morning without thinking about her.”

“O-Oh,” I blurted out, my eyes glued to the screen as Million Ants and Supernova made quick work of the Three Pointer Challenge and Alan Rails started accusing them of some alleged infidelity. Rick’s eyes were still trained on me, however, much to Morty’s chagrin as he continued disarming the bomb without Rick’s help.

“I mean, s-she’s not the brightest when it comes to my work but sh-she’s just brings me so much peace. Like a stupid amount of peace that I don’t deserve,” Drunk Rick continued almost incoherently, “She doesn’t expect me to be the s-smartest guy in the room and sh-she’s never wanted me to solve all of her p-problems even though I’ve tried like hell and p-p-put more effort into her problems - oh, fuck I’m gonna puke - th-than I’ve put into anything else in my life. I-I-I don’t know, sh-she’s just so-so-so special to me. And sh-she keeps asking me what’s wrong and I-I-I don’t know how to explain it to her. I-I-I can’t get drunk and tell her, I mean look what do when I’m just mildly irritated with Morty,” he rambled. I couldn’t stop the watery giggle from falling out of my mouth as my eyes flicked to Rick again. He and Morty were struggling with the drunkenly improvised bomb but my small outburst didn’t go unnoticed by Supernova behind us.

“Something funny to you, girl?” she hissed, her voice wavering. I tore my eyes away from the screen to find Alan, well, everywhere. While I had been enraptured in the drunken ramblings of the emotionally closed-off man I’d fallen in love with, Supernova’s affair with Million Ants had come out into the open. The fight had turned deadly when Supernova had confirmed Million Ants’ superiority in the bedroom, leaving the sentient ant colony to defend the woman he loved. The fight ended when Million Ants possessed the Ghost Train Conductor or whatever the hell he was and exploded him from within, surprisingly killing the “undead” man.

“I-I-I wasn’t- I-I-I didn’t,” I stammered as she descended towards me at an alarming pace.

“You think you can just wander through here while all of my friends are killed at the hands of your… boyfriend,” she spat the word out as though it left a disgusting film in her mouth. “Who’s to say you deserve to live when my team has reduced to shambles.”

“You touch her and what happened to your friends will seem like a day in the park after I’m done with you,” Rick threatened lazily, barely looking up from the bomb as Supernova drew closer.

“Rick!” I squeaked, trembling as the cosmic grew closer, the energy from her righteous anger pulsing around her.

“She’s not going to do shit,” Rick said dismissively, focusing in on the bomb as Morty’s attention was drawn away. “There we go. Disarmed.”

“Y-You’re supposed to be heroes!” Morty bellowed, standing up to face the cosmic atom bomb in front of me. “She hasn’t done anything to you! Leave her alone!”

“Morty- Don’t,” I urged him, as he moved closer to the ticking time bomb in front of me. His words seemed to have an effect, however, and the pulsing around Supernova shrunk as she stood down.

“You will all pay for Rick’s crimes,” she declared coldly. With a flick of her wrist, cuffs appeared around our wrists. “I don’t want you three disappearing once this is over, all of these deaths are on your hands.”

“Oh, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the train guy,” Rick scoffed, quickly searching the black bands around his wrists for a way out but coming up empty.

“All of them,” Supernova hissed, launching one of the planets hovering around her into Rick’s groin. I moved to rush to his side, only to be launched away from him with another of her planets. “Not so fast. Rick won’t leave you behind, judging by his drunken ramblings, so you’re what I like to call… insurance.” Million Ants made the final three-pointer, allowing the door to open to one final room. It was a simple room, only a small pedestal sitting in the middle of it.

“All right, by now, I've been pretty clear that I think the Vindicators are full of shit,” Drunk Rick slurred on the monitor, taking a bite out of his piece of pizza, “But... you do have one thing I'll never have and probably another that I probably won’t have much longer. The first is the only part of the Vindicators that has any value to me and the second the most amazing thing in the room, besides me. So if you know what they are, place them on the platform. Guess wrong and the pla-planet will explode. And probably the solar system, 'cause I kind of fucking eyeballed the neutrino bombs on this one.”

“So what's the trick? Morty, you're the Drunk Rick expert,” Supernova asked callously, looking between Morty and me.

“I think for the first one... no matter what we put on there, we die. He said it's the part of the Vindicators he values. That means nothing. He wants our last moment alive to be spent knowing how few fucks he gave.”

“Jesus! Okay, open to second opinions!” Supernova glared, looking around at each of us.

“I-It could be Morty,” Rick admitted reluctantly.

“What?!”

“Hey, I don't know,” he shrugged. “I mean, look, when I get drunk, I get stupid and emotional and there's no logic to it. We all heard all that shit from the last room. It's, like, possible I got so drunk, I felt like I was losing Morty to the Vindicators, and maybe this is my way of saying ‘Okay, you can have him, but only if you know how important he is, otherwise I'll kill you.’”

“That is a... really specific guess,” Million Ants remarked.

“Look, I... there's nothing in the room but us. I'm just using logic to connect some dots. It's the best guess I've got.”

“But you're betting our lives on it,” Supernova said accusingly.

“I'll cover that bet. I get it,” Morty said smugly, heading for the platform.

“Wait, Morty, I think you're making that smirky face because you're misinterpreting the moment,” Rick said urgently, “I am not being coy about some hidden love for you. I want to be really clear that, if anyone has a better guess, like, if I gave you an amulet last night, or-” A loud ding rang out and everyone let out a sigh of relief before a chair shot up and scooped up Morty.

“Oh, shit,” Rick swore, staring at the now-empty platform.

“Alright. The second one?” Drunk Rick demanded expectantly.

“Well, go ahead, Nova.” Rick nodded at the platform in frustration.

“M-Me?” I stuttered. “I just watched that thing eat Morty. I don’t think I’m in a hurry to hop on up.”

“Look, he said the most amazing thing in the room. It’s definitely none of these assholes. Do you really think I’m going to hurt you, drunk or not?” Rick said flatly. I walked up to the platform hesitantly, glancing at Rick one last time before another seat appeared, dropping me into a cardboard Tunnel of Love.

“Jesus Nova, couldn’t just stay out of the line of fire could you,” Drunk Rick chuckled, twisting his hands over as I floated down the long tunnel. “Look, I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick and I’m really sorry you had to go through all of these hacky shenanigans to prove my point to the Vindicators and Morty. I brought you down here because I just didn’t know how to tell you how much I was struggling with all of this. Watching you hurting- Seeing you walk out into that lake and not come back up. Jesus Nova, you know you’re everything to me, right?” His voice cracked and the tears welled in my eyes instantly. “It’s not like I can’t relate though, believe me. When I came back, it was just to give Beth some closure before I killed myself but when I saw you- when I saw the way you looked at me, something changed in me. For once, I can’t explain it.

“I’m sorry for leaving you with these assholes too, by the way. I thought you were going to come with me like you usually do and when you didn’t I just- I don’t know, I took it personally I guess. I got about twenty minutes away before I shut my damn ego up and flew back.” The cart pulled up to the final monitor and much to my surprise, Drunk Rick was crying. “I can’t do this without you, Nova. Please, despite all of the logic in your brain, please don’t give up on me.” I bit my lip, fighting back tears as I stared at the broken man on the screen in front of me. “So just, you know, think about it okay? Whatever you want, I’ll accept but I don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry I couldn’t just say this to your face. I’m just… so sorry. Alright Nova, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later.” The cart sped back up the track and soon I was being raised back up through the platform. Morty looked less than amused standing next to his grandfather but I started to rush into his arms, only for one of Supernova’s planets to launch me back to her side.

“Not so fast, girl,” she hissed. The room shuddered and the entire platform began rising from under us.

“I sense this means we’re not dying,” Million Ants said, surveying the room.

“Not all of us,” Supernova said darkly, using her telekinesis to hold Rick, Morty and I up by our throats.

“Sweetheart…” Million Ants started gently, moving toward Supernova.

“Just let Titty-Bean do this, Snuzzles. It's for the greater good,” she replied irritably.

“Titty-Bean?--”

“Greater Good?--” we sputtered under her force-grasp that grew tighter with each movement.

“It's like you said, Morty: there's no right or wrong,” Supernova hissed, hovering closer to Morty.

“Never said that!”

“It's the galaxy's faith in the Vindicators that keeps the galaxy secure!”

“Yeah, I feel safer already,” Rick muttered sarcastically.

“No doubt. Who do we make the check out to?” I replied, meeting his gaze for a moment.

“Titty-Bean, listen to me. When you came to me, I was merely a sentient colony of ants. It was your beliefs, your pursuit of justice, that taught me to be a man,” Million Ants said soothingly, pulling her closer to him. We fell to the ground, sputtering for air as Supernova became distracted with Million Ants. Rick pulled me into his arms, desperately clinging to me for dear life as he patted my hair down.

“When did it get so complicated?” she asked mournfully, nuzzling into his hand.

“Who knows? But we can make it simple again.”

“You were always the romantic,” she remarked sadly before taking a step back from him, her eyes narrowed. “Which is why you can't leave either.” We watched in horror as she dug her hand into his chest and extracted his Queen Ant, crushing it in her palm. “Goodbye, my love.”

“Damn! She double-crossed Snuzzles!” Rick exclaimed, pulling away from me momentarily as she descended upon us.

“Silence! I'm going to enjoy this,” she hissed, raising her hands in front of her. As I buried my face into Rick’s chest, airhorns interrupted her attack as the platform finally reached its destination.

“Let's give a huge thanks to Rick Sanchez for killing Worldender, putting this awesome party together, and for booking one of the hottest talents out there: Logic!” an announcer called out and a spotlight descended upon us. Supernova lowered her hands, realizing the sheer volume of witnesses surrounding her.

“Look at that. Geez, I must've planned a whole party. Invited a bunch of people. Not bad, Drunk Rick, not bad,” Rick said, pulling himself to his feet before extending a hand out to me and pulling me to my feet. As Logic started a song about the Vindicators, Supernova slipped into the crowd, much to Morty’ dismay.

“Rick! Supernova’s getting away!” he shouted, pointing at the section she disappeared into.

“Oh well,” Rick shrugged, dancing along to the song.

“But… she was trying to kill us!” Morty retorted.

“Morty, twenty people try to kill me every week. I end up getting high with half of 'em,” Rick assured him flatly. “J-J-Just enjoy the festival, alright? I’ll worry about her later.”

It looked like just about everyone had gotten an invite as Beth, Summer, and Madi squeezed through the crowd over to us. I hugged Madi tightly before Summer pulled her into the crowd to introduce her to some of the friends she’d made adventuring with Rick.

“So, I’ll just assume nothing is going to happen to her here?” I asked Rick nervously, watching her hair bounced as Summer pulled her behind.

“Look, I invited Beth to this, she should be safe.” I narrowed my eyes at him, unconvinced but he just groaned, grabbing my hand. “Come on, let’s party.”

*+*

When we finally got home, the exhaustion from being in a life or death situation hit me like a truck. The moment I fell into my bed, I was out like a light. When I finally woke back up a day later, I was surprised to find Rick sprawled out next to me, sleeping peacefully with his arm draped over me. I carefully extracted myself from underneath him and made my way to the bathroom, desperate for a shower. As I opened my door, I found Morty headed in the same direction.

“O-O-Oh, hey Aunt Nova,” he mumbled, his eyes trained on the ground in front of him. “W-Were going to take a shower?”

“Y-Yeah, but you go ahead. I waited this long, I can wait a little bit longer,” I assured him, moving to head back into my room.

“I-I-I heard what Rick said, in the Hawaii room,” he said quickly, grabbing my wrist. “I’m not saying I was wrong about him, but I get what you see in him, I guess. A-A-And, I guess how he feels about you too? He’s still a dick and piece of shit a-a-and you deserve better but-”

“It’s okay Morty, I understand,” I assured him quickly. He looked relieved, waving as he headed for the bathroom. I went back into my room to find Rick stirring, sitting up and rubbing his eyes as he looked up at me.

“I was starting to think you were in a fucking coma, you know,” he yawned at me.

“I don’t know, something about almost dying just makes me really tired, not sure what that’s all about,” I shrugged sarcastically. “Speaking of which, we should probably talk about all of that.”

“Yeah, I get a little… dramatic when I drink. Sorry about that,” he groaned, standing up and stretching.

“Well, yeah. That was something else, but I’m talking about what happened when I got up on the platform,” I said cautiously, watching his face for a reaction.

“What about it? I don’t remember anything from that night? I probably just called you like, super pretty for five minutes,” he said defensively. “Did I say something fucked up? Morty was not happy with me after coming out of his.”

“N-No, not quite,” I chuckled. “No, it was more along the lines of you being worried I was going to leave you or whatever. You know that’s never going to happen, right? A lot of bad shit has happened since you’ve been back. I’ve been kidnapped, you killed my husband and maybe even my parents but you haven’t fucked up nearly as bad as you may think you have. I probably wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you.”

“Well, I mean, if that Rick was going to come kidnap you then you would probably just be stuck living on the Citadel and hella fucking confused,” Rick argued awkwardly.

“So not the point,” I groaned, rolling my eyes at him. “Look, all I’m trying to say is you don’t have to worry about that. I’m not going anywhere. Effectively, you’re stuck with me.”

“Are you okay? With everything that happened?” he asked hesitantly. “Being with me, it’s not a normal life and it never will be.”

“Rick, not to sound cliche but my life has literally never been normal. As long as you bring me home now and then so I can see Madi, I could literally care less. Just don’t leave me, okay?”

“Nova, I told you already, I don’t think that’s possible,” he assured me. “Even that twenty minutes I left you with the Vindicators and Morty was hell. I tried to get back as soon as I could but by the time I got back, you guys were gone.”

“Look, I get it. I’m not going to say it was okay because it wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination but I get it,” I reasoned. “I was drunk and being a dick.”

“Welcome to the club, sweetheart,” Rick laughed, holding his flask up in solidarity. “We’re gonna be okay, right?”

“Oh, I hope not. Putting my neck on the line all the time is half the fun of being with you.”

“I love you too, brat.”

+Ch4: Every You, Every Me+

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

12.27.23 Wednesday

9:09 am

Still, have windblow... Hmmm.... Who are the people behind this ritual... I pray for our extension here on earth, me and John...

He is having diarrhea... But I think it is just a normal diarrhea ( hope it is)....If this dog will die, I will be with him....I love this dog so much...

What happened? Did someone put a spell on my baby???

One of the major things on getting a bf, he must treat my son-dog as his own baby.... If I have extra money, I will bring him right away to a vet. But I hope this is not serious,just like on us human, sometimes we have diarrhea and it will just heal on its own.

I want someone who is tall, handsome and sensitive about dogs and me ( on getting a daddy-bf ). Sensitive that he needs to assist me on my expenses on my son-dog. I wanted John to have his rightful life with me but I'm so broke these days... But I'm taking care of him on the best possible way that I can...

There was never a day I feel tired on taking care of John....There was never a day I feel that I hate him coz he is pooping around the house and I need to keep on cleaning it... I never feel obligated... I never feel that this is just a show but it is all coming from my heart the love I have for my baby-dog.

I always wanna make sure that you are feeling ohkay....I raised him since he was a lil boy, he was pooping around the house and I always clean it until he is a grown-up boy now... He knows where to poops as long as he sees his floor mats,he will go there...

1:59 pm

I think Uncle DD is in ritual?

If they kill my dog, kill me as well and this is a seŕious message for the ritual group of INC probably linking with Uncle DD and Betsilogs gang. PROBABLY MITCH IS PART OF THIS RITUAL...

Kill me if they will kill my dog... I know it is not yet the time for John to leave not yet....We can still be dinosaur...

2:19 pm

Doing this ritual windblow...

Or Uncle Jun probably or the fucking old friends? Missing friends???

It will be just an unfair thing to kill us here, me and my dog without having a fair fight. You end us without allowing us to prove something. The ritual group don't deserve what they acquire,that power to kill and make someone alive.

George Eusibio probably part of rituals?

2:23 pm

I'm not scared to die, I just don't want to struggle... Be fair! I don't deserve to struggle even my dog or dogs...

6:10 pm

Hmm..... I wonder where is my alcohol.... I need it and I'm on thrift.

6:15 pm

Sorry for my cheapness but still on art!

Got it here... It is 29 pesoses angels!

9:12 pm

Here now in Conduent... Super badtrip! I tried that Pittx from Salitran Dasma. It is a super wrong route...

Then, that bus drop off me at the Pittx terminal. When I went at the gate 7 it was super long line... ( as in Potang inah )... Then, someone told me to go at the gate 10... Then, I rode the bus going to Double Dragon... Somehow a heavy traffic.

When that bus reached the Double Dragon, I saw this fucking ebike who asked me a 50 pesoses instead of 15 or 20 pesoses... Then, I asked the other ebike driver then my driver told the other ebike that hey! It is really 50 pesoses,right? I saw them talking using their eyes or making a sign on eyes, the other driver said it's really 150. I said wow ! Taxi!!! I let it passed coz I was already in the middle of high way....But I feel bullshit!

12.28.23 Thursday

6:09 am

I hope my baby is ohkay... I'm worrying so much,angels...

7:09 am

Riding a bus going HOME with Jocelyn

[ditto]

wi rehab week 3 review: the Week™. i KNOW this post is long but god please read about my misfortune if yall want a Saga

current status on raccoons: clement

number of monster energy drinks consumed: 2

number of buns directly killed: 1

Days Since Last Diarrhead on: 1

Baby Raccoon Count: 150ish? probably 130 that need to be bottle fed 

new tasks performed:

baby opossum cage maintenance

baby waterfowl cage maintenance

SQ fluid administration on raccoons

SQ vaccine administration on raccoons

What To Do When Your Tire Goes Flat 101

oral medication administration on possums

CHRONOLOGICAL TALE OF MISFORTUNE: i’m not going to do this regularly but the sheer amount of bad shit that happened this week was COMICAL so let me break down everything that happened to me this work week

MONDAY 6/8

got diarrhead on during 6am raccoon feeding

straight up killed a baby rabbit during bun feeding. they stress real easily and i’m bad at tubing so i had him out for a while and he just fuckin. died. from stress. in my hands. directly because of me being bad at my job. so you know that was uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

shovelled out wet dirty woodchips out of a walk-in enclosure with like 8 goslings using a snowshovel w/ another baby intern. you can’t put a ton of woodchips into one trash bag so we had to keep changing out the trash bag and it was like 92 degrees out and we were both wearing cloth masks and on god i really thought we were gonna die in there

during the pm feeding i get peed on by the EXACT SAME RACCOON that diarrhead on me during the am feeding 

TUESDAY 6/9: the Day(tm)

i have a therapy appointment scheduled at 2pm. my shift is 6am-2pm. i’ll need to leave at 1:30pm to get to it. i tell my supervisors this. it’s chill. i still feel bad about it, because i have anxiety.

right off the bat, i get scolded by my Actual Boss for doing something i watched one of the supervising interns do 

6am raccoon feeding: get diarrhead on again. 

a rac RIPS the fucking nipple off of the baby bottle we’re feeding them with and formula gets fucking everywhere. i say out loud at this moment “IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK”. one of my supervising interns feels bad for me and keeps trying to cheer me up throughout the day. she does make me feel better.

i get dishes which is fine bc i dont mind dishes for real but my hands turn into sandpaper the day after doing dishes for 2 hours so this is more :| than :/. i make jokes about how bad my week is going. the mood is, generally, looking up.

next raccoon feeding is scheduled for noon. raccoons are housed in a separate building, so it’s about a 5 minute drive to get there from the main area. we get ready to leave around 1pm. recap: i need to leave at 1:30pm for a therapy appointment. i’m planning on driving my own car down there so i can do this. it’s chill.

on my way down there, i start hearing the most godawful screeching of metal. i am, quote, “like uhhh.” when i open the gate to turn onto the highway, i stick my head out the window to look

my tire is flat.

i have a flat tire.

my fucking tire is FLAT dude.

>mfw

>

>

pull over after gate

tell the staff member following me “hey i have a flat tire so im probably not going to make it down to feed today” and shes like flkdjsalfksd okay

call the ONE supervising intern whose number i have, who is the one who heard me say IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK, like GUESS WHICH BITCH HAS A FLAT TIRE LMFAOOOOOOO. just making that one call was the funniest fucking thing that’s ever happened in my entire life

to quote her verbatim: “i guess you are having a bad week”

call my dad, who as it turns out was actively teaching a class when i called, so i am well and truly facked and am DEFINITELY not making this therapy appointment

ok. take a deep breath. check my car. i have a donut in my car. i have not changed a tire in three years, and have never changed one in the scenario of I Have A Flat Tire. fack. relay this to the one supervising intern whos number i know (i’m going to call her supervising intern 1 going forward here). ask her if anyone knows how to change a tire. 

supervising intern 1 calls back. apparently there’s a guy who lives on the same property we’re on named donnie. donnie is a maintenance worker who helps out a lot around the rehab place. donnie can help me change my tire. apparently someone currently down feeding raccoons is going to come pick me up and bring me over there so i can continue to feed raccoons until donnie can fix my tire. 

get call from supervising intern 2, whose number i did not have, apparently it got relayed. i ask her if anyone down there can change a tire. she says she can change a tire. she will help me change my tire she finishes on raccoon feeding. ok sounds good. someone is still going to come pick me up.

get call back 10 minutes later. apparently donnie is in the middle of a field right now and it is unlikely that he can fix my tire. someone is still going to come get me to feed raccoons, maybe. i tell her supervising intern 2 can help me change my tire after we finish our shift. she says thats fine. ok cool sick.

try to call therapist. i have no signal. send email which is, verbatim: “Hey! I'm currently on the the side of of the the road in [TOWN 30 MILES AWAY] with a flat tire, so I'm not going to make our appointment today. If we could reschedule for sometime soon, that would be great.” signal is bad, so this ends up being sent at 3pm.

(ALSO I LEARNED ABOUT THIS TODAY BUT APPARENTLY IN THE TIMELINE THERE’S A FIGHT HERE BETWEEN SUPERVISING INTERNS 1 AND 2 OVER HOW THE SITUATION IS PLAYING OUT WHICH IS EQUAL PARTS HILARIOUS AND “MAKES ME FEEL BAD”)

one of the other baby interns comes to pick me up and bring me down to racs. i walk in like AYYYYYYY and start feeding raccoons.

i get diarrhead on again.

i get diarrhead on again again. 

apparently 3 in one day is a record.

my shift is supposed to end at 2pm. we usually end up staying until 2:15-2:30ish, because that’s usually when the other team gets down here. since supervising intern 2 is currently my savior, she is going to drive me back over when the other team gets here and she leaves. other baby interns leave at 2:15ish, i think. 

the other team is, apparently, running late. they get here at 3pm.

supervising intern 2 drives me back over at 3pm. we get to my car.

the donut is on.

the tire is in the trunk.

apparently donnie was, in fact, able to come change my tire. no one told me this. 

im like ok. this is fine. i tell supervising intern 2 thank u for my life. i leave.

my donut has a 50mph max speed limit. i tell google maps to avoid highways on my way home. this turns my 30 minute drive home into a 50 minute one, and still ends up with me being terrifyingly tailgated by trucks for going 10 miles under the speed limit. i almost, but do not, run out of gas on the way home.

i get home around 4:10pm. i call the auto shop across the street from me and tell them i have a flat tire, but i need the car by 6am tomorrow. do they think they can have it fixed by then. they tell me to bring it over and they’ll let me know.

i bring the car over. i give them my keys. i say thank you and leave.

i realize that my garage door opener is in my car, which is now locked. i have no other way into the house, because our garage door keypad has been broken for 2 years. the sliding glass door in the backyard is locked.

i walk back into the auto shop 5 minutes later and ask in the Polite But Obviously Having A Day tone if i can have my keys back so i can get it. i get my garage door opener out of my car. i give the keys back.

i enter my home. i lay spread-eagled on my bed for one hour.

auto place calls back and tells me they fixed the tire. im like did you replace it or did u fix it. theyre like we fixed it come on over. i almost cry on the phone.

go back over. guy is like “ya u ran over a screw LOL”. gives me my keys back. i wait to pay

after a bit hes like “you dont have to pay anything. this is on the house.”

almost cry

thank him

get car

go home

eat

shower

go to bed at 8pm 

WEDNESDAY (6/10)

everyone at work is immediately like AYYY and in general just very nice about the whole thing. i thank everyone involved for helping. its chill

dont get diarrhead on this feeding but i do get bit for like NO got dam reason what the fack

next up is cleaning juvenile cages and i swear to god i get the nastiest. fucking. raccoon cage i have ever seen in my entire life. there was an...i wanna say eigth-of-an-inch thick layer of raccoon diarrhea across this 2 foot x 4 foot cage

like on GOD the smell was so bad i was gagging through a goddamn cloth mask just. oh my god. i had to just go stand outside and stare into the abyss afterwards for a few minutes it was so NASTY IT WAS SO NASTY

mercifully, i am spared from further misfortune for the rest of the day. i come home. i am so tired.

WAIT I HAVE TO MENTION THAT SUPERVISING INTERN 1 HAD SUCH BAD LUCK FEEDING RABBITS TODAY SO LIKE...my luck is contagious 

notes and observations

anyone who is anti-euthanasia in animal shelters and any other large-scale animal welfare places in general can absolutely suck my dick

most other baby animals will generally have various stages of “baby x”, but opossums look like Adults Except Tiny from a very early age. they have stolen my heart.

birds are poopy little creatures

[chiveburger]

today...... has been the most tiring day of my entire life, I want to fucking molt into a new human being after today. most of my time spent shadowing at the zoo has been cleaning which is understandable because that’s what zookeepers DO! I am totally fine with that, but halfway into one of the routes I was scheduled today my allergies to hay kicked in and I thought I was going to die. I think I just inhaled too much dust and I couldn’t stop sneezing or sniffling and then later into lunch it started SNOWING! so not only was I already looking like a demon, I was also soaked from the sleet. I honestly thought I was going to drop dead, and yeah? everyday here at the zoo has been physically tiring but today was just..... Too Much. I felt so drained when I finally left work, so my mom and I got take out chicken tenders from KFC and I came home and LITERALLY vacuum sucked 15/12 chicken tenders down into my throat in the span of 15 minutes with rice, coleslaw, gravy and fries. then I topped it off with a blueberry cream cheese sandwich and IT WAS GOOD! but I immediately felt so terrible, and I ended up crashing on the couch and I woke up and had diarrhea LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!! I cleaned up animal shit the whole day and now I have to clean up my own good god.......... like, today was not a good day for me, but in other news I saw a hippo up close and they are BIG! like, really big. 

[due4amiracle]

Day 471

Listo:

Laundry/cleaning, Reading, Dailies, #TTRPGThings, Watching.

Laundry/cleaning - Some garbage thrown away, always more to go! ✔

Reading things - - 3 Ebooks for me, 0 Audiobook for Sir! ...Yea. 218 for the year, 25 for the month! - Vampire Dawn (Vampire for Hire #5) by J.R. Rain 53%! Chugged through sommore of this before i read my email and saw i had a hold come in lmao. - House of Hunger by Alexis Henderson 3%! HOLD CAME IN ahh i’m very very excited for this one! - Spells for Forgetting by Adrienne Young 100%! 3🌟 You know what. It was pretty decent. It went places i wasn’t prepared for, but it left us with a tiny teaser of something that maybe, one day, mayhaps, might be A Thing. Or not. That’s fine too. UwU♡ ✔✔✔✔

Dailies - - Waifu Did mah dailies! Also, level 0/50 BP now~! AND! Tree lvl 40/50! Also! 27/43 max friendship namecards acquired! New MONTH! new weeklies! Gem thingy now level 9/10! ♡ω♡✔

#TTRPGThings - More preparations! AHH! +0 -> 2448 words for the backstory! More kitten things! They’re getting adopted and i’m all weepy about it!✔

Watching things - - Vancouver by Night: Season 1 - Episode 10/19! - 100 Club: Episode 5/??! So... behind... oh no... x_x; - New York by Night: Season 1 - Episode 8/8! SEASON TWO T O M O R R O W AHHH

Other things - Daily Diarrhea Diary - Okish. CPAP timer - ?.? hours with ?.0?disturbances. ???/9. CPAP so confused. i took the mask off last night and read the 4.8 on the screen. i know i did. This morning? There it sits, a big fat 0. i’m very confused. It’s very confused. But! It’s got night before last’s numbers at 4.7 0.2 so... ??? idk. i’m sure this will continue. i’ve got it written down and i am going to take it with me to my appointment tomorrow. So yea.

In other news! We learned so many things today. First and foremost - we cannot be removed from this apartment unless we suddenly commit a felony, start doing/dealing drugs, or other such chaos. That’s it. Once you’re in, you’re in. Whew. Secondly, Sir’s income, because He hasn’t worked for at least a year before this, will not count against rent (aka increase rent) for the first year He works, then the second year it will count halfsies, and the third year it will count fully. That’s... wild. And amazing. Thirdly, as to His Medicaid - Medicaid counts us each as single families, because we are not married, so He would lose Medicaid. But because of The Bad C currently still going on, Medicaid is not removing people. At all. Period. So He will not lose Medicaid until things change. Then it’s ACA and you get what you pay for, so, find the good stuff, and pay good for it. So all of that to say - 40 hours a week is a go. We are already planning on money uses and expenditures and Fixing The Car and Building Battle Stations and Donating Money To Places and other stuff. It’s... wild. It’s amazing. This is the most income we’ve literally ever fucking had. Whew.

Also had my Therapist appointment today, she’s so thrilled for us. But bless her, her poor shitting-the-bed computer just would not acknowledge her camera or her microphone. At all. Period. Thankfully someone in corporate or somewhere apparently got fed up with constantly getting called about The Computers Are Fuckin’ Dying Again WTF Fix It and new computers are being built to arrive Soon™️ so that’s fantastic. So essentially, we sat in Zoom, with me on cam, but us talking on the phone. It was hilarious. It was a great appointment overall.

Anyways. No perioding. Oof my head Hurts, mild abdominal pain, both ears ache, back aches, joints all just kinda ache, lungs kinda grungy. Mood was overall pretty decent, after the stress was relieved, and sobbing about kittens getting adopted, but i’m very tired so. Ya know, SSDD.

Food: A Liquid: A Pain: C Brain: B

Tomorrow: Laundry/cleaning, Reading, Dailies, #TTRPGThings, Watching.

Ever Onwards and Upwards!

[catullus16]

..

i am so frustrated like..... i got the results back from my physical (and in japan they check EVERYTHING like i had multiple sonograms, ex-rays, a barium swallow, they took 4 vials of blood, etc etc) and i have a completely clean bill of health like they even grade you here and i got straight A's in every health category and YET... i am still so severely constipated.

i had like two good weeks earlier in the month where i felt amazing and sex was no longer uncomfortable/painful and i felt really good about myself and my body and i thought "oh this is great i finally beat my constipation problem the probiotics i started taking are working alongside the chinese herbal supplement thing" and then it got sooooo bad again and im so tired of feeling fat when im not, i literally just have multiple days worth of food and shit in me.... it makes sex uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.... like im so sick and tired of living this way and waking up every morning hoping and praying i'll be able to poop and then getting let down again. i dont get it i can feel the poop i know its right there but something just makes it impossible to push out. i dont get it why is my otherwise supposedly perfectly healthy body unable to do this most basic function unless all the stars fucking align???? i cant even enjoy food as much cus i know im just adding to the backlog of shit that i can only hope will come out some day (probably when i get so fed up i just take another laxative which'll give me extreme abdominal discomfort and diarrhea all day which means i can't even leave the house and live my life)..... like it's not fair i have tried everything. i eat well, i walk for hours on end most days (like speed walking), i've been trying to wake up earlier cus apparently mornings is when your colon is most active. i've tried colon massages and yoga poses and pressure points and i drink coffee and soooo much fucking water and NOTHING fucking helps and of course on paper im perfectly healthy there is no easy answer or thing i can specifically work on fixing to poop more regularly. i hate it so much like all i want dear god in heaven is just to be able to poop regularly and comfortably and not constantly feel stuffed with poop and trapped gas that make me look huge when im actually not..... it's like im a teenager again with a constantly shifting body image except my body is literally different sizes on any given day and i hate it i hate all of this so much i would literally give anything to just be able to poop everyday or at least most days.