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communistkenobi · 1 year ago

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Now that Succession is over I’ve been reflecting more and more on the fandom that sprung up around it. When I made this post I had Succession in mind, but it was too large of a sidebar to get into, so now I’m making a separate post.

And before I get into anything, both in anticipation of being yelled at and so I don’t have to constantly inserts caveats into every paragraph: this is not a universal or comprehensive description of how people interact with Succession in a fandom setting online, but rather my experience with it on tumblr and the experience of watching my friends interact with it. Additionally, this diagnosis of a narrow slice of the Succession fandom is not a moral or intellectual damnation of anyone who ships characters or whatever. I am talking to myself publicly on my own blog and this post is a sequel to the post I linked at the top, and so the primary focus of this is going to be about the “methods problem” within fandom that I outlined in that original post. If anything, this is an invitation to reflect on your own experiences and extend/adapt/critique the arguments I’m about to make to your own contexts, not a condemnation of those experiences and contexts. If you feel the urge to say things like “you’re trying to censor me” or “let people have fun” I would rather you not do that because I’ve heard those things hundreds of times already and those complaints are deeply uninteresting. anyway

I think one of Succession’s strengths as a show is that it is a drama about a modern corporate empire that is shown entirely through the eyes of the individual Roy family members. There is a particular, deliberate clash between the intensely intimate drama of Shiv and Tom’s marriage, Kendall’s addiction issues and estrangement from his family, Roman’s sexual and romantic problems, Connor’s loneliness manifesting in him “buying a girlfriend,” and the fact that they are wealthy beyond comprehension. They are so far above material need that the only arena of conflict is their personal lives. This comes to a head in S4, when their father dies and their family drama becomes the primary battleground over who will take the throne. Yes, they are fighting over acquisition deals and legal issues surrounding their father’s company, this is the “material” component that has a direct influence on their wealth, but that is still secondary to their conflict as a family. Kendall and Roman deliberately attempt to sabotage the sale of Waystar, both because of their personal desire to “be the boss” and the constantly-cited desire to “do what our father wanted.” Their primary concerns are always either an attempt to appease their dead dad or their desire to replace him with themselves.

This is the most intensified form of bourgeois interiority in fiction - all material concerns are made invisible, shoved to the side to focus solely on individual emotions and relationships, because the Roys are part of the ruling class. Their material needs will never be part of their problems. The individual landscapes of their emotions, desires, and traumas are the only real site of conflict. The army of servants and underlings beneath them, the public that is only ever at the periphery, are part of the massive social, political and financial scaffolding that allows them the time and freedom to act out these hyper-intense psychodramas with their lovers, friends and family. The character-centric focus of the show is itself a commentary on their wealth - they don’t have to work, they don’t have to worry about money, they don’t even have to interact with public infrastructure, and so they are free to focus entirely on interpersonal turmoil and pleasure. This intense, indulgent look into their personal lives is predicated on their wealth, and highlights how ridiculous and out of touch they are. This is an integral part of how the deeply uncomfortable, second-hand-embarrassment tone of the show is maintained.

But this nuance doesn’t get translated into fandom - or is only translated haphazardly - which is likewise deeply character-centric. As a fan of the show for many years I have largely avoided the Succession “fandom” because of its intense focus on shipping and rooting for your favourite characters to win. This is how you end up with people deeply invested in Roman’s character, running cover and damage control for him as he becomes increasingly openly racist, misogynistic and fascistic as the show goes on. In particular, the way that misogyny in fandom intersects with this character-centric method of engagement is that a lot of apologetic discourse about Shiv is reactive, excusing or rationalising her behaviour to an online crowd who finds fault with her behaviour not because she’s wealthy but because she’s a woman. It’s how you end up watching people online defend the actions of a fictional billionaire girlboss, because the dominant mode of discourse in fandom is focused so heavily on the actions of individual characters that said actions become free-floating, divorced from their context. Shiv is not being defended on the ground of her wealth and power (or not always, lol), nor even really being defended from the fact that those things make her an objectively horrible person, but that popular fandom perception of her boils down to “man what a huge bitch.” It’s not that (necessarily) people want to log onto tumblr to apologise for liking a fictional billionaire - although again, that does happen - it’s that fandom misogyny is so individualistic that Shiv’s actions are always discussed at the lowest rung possible, commonly expressed as “she’s a bitch” or “she’s being unreasonable”, and so that is the discursive arena that discussion about this character remains in, never moving beyond the individual. It reminds me of the backlash against Skylar from Breaking Bad - it was impossible to talk about anything else about her character aside from explaining why she’s not the devil incarnate. Yes there are also unironic fans who love the fact that Shiv is a vaguely progressive rich white woman, those people absolutely exist, but even when you want to approach the show from outside of that uncritical angle, I think you oftentimes get painted into this narrow discursive corner anyway because of how stupid fandom discussion tend to be.

And yes it’s all fictional, it’s not real, and people “blorbofying” a Roy sibling or shipping Kendall and Stewy together are not remotely good indicators of their beliefs about the ruling class in real life. I am not making claims about anyone’s beliefs or political convictions because they enjoy a show about billionaires. I also enjoy the show. But the rhetoric of fandom is so intensely individualistic that “shipping” characters in a show like Succession is seen as a regular thing to do. The easiest way to tell if you’re in a “fandom” on tumblr is to see if people are writing ship fic or drawing shipping fanart. I enjoy Succession a lot and talk about it with friends, but I am not “in the Succession fandom.”

And at least with the people I follow who do engage in Succession “fandom,” there is an intense self-irony on display - people making fancam edits of Gerri, someone who is general counsel to a fictional version of Fox News, or AMVs of Stewy, a hot ruthless venture capitalist. It’s funny precisely because of the dissonance between the use of fandom aesthetic forms (ie fancams) and the subject being fandomised. Embedded into these behaviours is an ironic self-distance, a performance of fandom with a wink to the audience that you don’t actually believe in this, that this is a self-ironic indulgence, a way of articulating sympathy for these fictional characters while maintaining the air of being in-the-know, being a good person who gets what the show is “really” about. And I enjoy that! Those posts rule lol. If anything I am in the meta-fandom, I stay on the periphery with friends to enjoy posts about how stressful shareholder meetings are, to celebrate the tomshiv scorpionmarriage win, to know what the phrase tomstar gregco endgame means.

But that self-irony is only possible to express because of the fact that “doing fandom stuff” with Succession necessarily involves an intense and constant form of apologetics for your favourite character or relationship - it is this assumed, unstated default that this self-irony is engaging with. If you were just talking about the plot of the show or its themes, if you disavowed any desire to ship characters together, if you never got into arguments with people about which Roy sibling “deserves” to be CEO, you would hardly be doing “fandom,” or at least you would be doing it in a fundamentally different way, and crucially you wouldn’t need to be employing that self-ironic tone of “alright now we all know billionaires are bad. But isn’t Roman such a cute little baby? Don’t you just want to hug him?”

I remember a popular sentiment being expressed around when Succession first got popular online, saying that Succession pioneered new ways for people to talk about their favourite characters on the internet. “He’s my Disney Princess” “I want to put him in a Pringles can and shake him” “she is a bug I need to study under a microscope” and so on. And I think this is partially a result of 1) absurdist internet humour in general, 2) a memetic mirroring of the show’s brand of humour specifically, and 3) people’s general political instincts running up against fandom engagement, the desire to engage with Succession as a fandom-text without experiencing intense cognitive dissonance, producing ways of expressing love and enjoyment for characters that are fundamentally, irredeemably bad people, people who are direct reflections of and parallels to the ruling class of modern America. It doesn’t even give you the benefit of historical distance the way a medieval fantasy would, where it’s easier to “stan” a king because it’s taken for granted that everyone here doesn’t support hereditary monarchy. Succession is a direct, immediate commentary on contemporary American life in a way that is impossible to ignore, and so to engage with it on fandom grounds requires a certain kind of additional effort, a way of simultaneously performing your real-world beliefs while also letting loose. I know Succession is not the first show to be like this, nor is it the only thing that has impacted the way fandom operates online, but it has enjoyed a five-year popularity whose digital omnipresence has reached far beyond its immediate audience. Most people on twitter remotely engaged in fandom have seen a Kendall Roy fan edit, for example.

So, all this to say: even when it feels like a text is deliberately choosing a character-centric focus to comment on its themes and structures, I think what happens is that this character-centric lens becomes easily and instantly adopted by fandom, but the commentary gets left behind. Which is again what I meant in that original post I linked at the top - character-centric lenses are not inherently bad, or inferior, or lesser to other lenses, but that fandom only ever engages in a very narrow and particular type of character-centrism, a lens that is so adaptable that you can easily import shipping discourse and “x-character-did-nothing-wrong” style apologetics into a show like Succession. If you engage with Succession primarily as a vector to ship characters together, or to “pick your favourite character,” I think you are falling into this fandom mode. Which I’m not saying is inherently bad, I have also done this with Succession by calling myself a romangirl or whatever, I’m just trying to articulate the whiplash I sometimes get when watching prestige drama television about billionaires being murderers and sex pests and fascists and then going online and seeing hundreds of people expressing a desire to wrap Roman Roy in a little blanket. A lot of people are engaging with the show’s themes and also doing this “fandom” thing with it, so you don’t have to choose one or the other, nor am I saying that there are necessarily “low” and “high” classes of artistic interpretation that people permanently slot themselves into, but I do think these modes of engagement are at some level mutually exclusive, because they require the adoption of fundamentally different interpretive lenses when approaching a text

#succ.txt #fandom discussion

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leftcollectionreview · 7 months ago

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Critique of End the Phone-Based Childhood Now

So I read Jonathan Haidt's piece End the Phone-Based Childhood Now, which is from the forthcoming book The Anxious Generation (Which I assume is a reference on The Nervous Generation and could carry some pretty interesting implications). And I think it is pretty good. I agree with the conclusion that phones and social media are bad for children. Honestly I think they're bad for humans in general but I'll agree on children for sure.

But despite that broad agreement with the things he did say, I feel that there are a number of things that he did not say that could petter inform this piece. So I am writing this post to point those things out. Ideally word gets back to Haidt and he takes them into account, but I get the impression that he is set in his ways. But in any event, it can help facilitate a critical reading of what is, again, a pretty good piece.

1. No mention of the market system

Haidt strongly, frequently, and correctly chastises social media corporations for their relentless pursuit of profit. That's all well and good, but it paints a picture of social media corporations as uniquely bad actors, instead of digital versions of literally every multi-billion dollar corporation. It is impossible to make that much money without deeply and harmfully exploiting people. Haidt never mentions the market system with its lack of regulation (especially for Silicon Valley) that allows, nay, perpetuates this fact of Western life.

Haidt mentions the Facebook whistleblower report in passing, as a way to point out that Facebook knowingly harms its users to generate its outrageous profits. But Facebook is doing exactly what it and every other corporation are created to do: return as much money as possible to shareholders. Illegal or unethical activity is only to be avoided insofar as it impacts the profit margin. Facebook's evil actions aren't unique, they're mundane. And that should be disturbing. Yes, Facebook is a great example to point to, but what about the residents of East Palestine, OH? It has been over a year since the derailment that caused the worst chemical rail disaster in the country. In that year, there has been no justice for the residents, yet they reported over $8 BILLION in profits in 2023. The impact of this on their shareholders? According to Reuters, "On an adjusted basis, the company reported a profit of $2.83 per share, compared with analysts' estimates of $2.87, according to LSEG data."

2. No acknowledgement of material conditions of childcare

My boy Jay Haidt correctly mentions that digital technologies can be an outlet for exhausted parents who need to work or rest. I agree with the unstated value that it is an insufficient replacement for socialization or more constructive activities, but there is a better point to make here.

For many of these folks, they're in this position because childcare is crazy expensive. The US Department of Health and Human Services states that affordable childcare is, at most, 7% of a household income. I'm going to set aside my concerns that 7% still is not affordable for a lot of families, because we are way past that. Care.com's 2024 Cost of Care Report states that on average, families spend 24% of their income on childcare, and FastCompany found that single parents spend 50% of their income on childcare! This is all despite the fact that childcare service providers undercharge for their services because they know that they would be unaffordable if they charged what they deserve.

So for folks desperate to be able to work or wrung out from working (maybe multiple jobs) to afford to live, it's not surprising that they will reach for what they have available. There's a small nod to this when Haidt mentions that the rates are higher for Black and Hispanic families, and while it is important to acknowledge the disproportionate impact they suffer, this is an issue where an entire class of people are unable to afford the service that they need to afford their lives. His remedy? Give kids chores, make them little household workers. 1. Obviously I'm going to have a problem with that. 2. It's not a real solution for working class people.

3. Lots of stuff happened during this era

Obviously the arrival of smartphones and constant social media was a huge turning point for our society. The iPhone first dropped in 2008, but folks with a keen memory might recall that it wasn't the only thing going on at the time.

I'll reiterate here that I don't disagree that phones and social media brought about a ton of stress and it happened at this time. But not mentioning these factors is a little too glaring for me not to mention, it leaves a real weakness in the work. And this isn't to say that young people were directly aware of these factors & events, but it's hard to imagine that they didn't contribute to the statistics he's citing.

The 2008 Crash

How can you even mention 2008 with a straight face and not mention the '08 crash? In his article (/forthcoming book) about how quickly young people became anxious and depressed, it might be worth mentioning that many of us saw our parents suddenly without work. And if they did have work, we were constantly reminded how bad the market was, how lucky they were to have work even if it was terrible, and how the market just wasn't recovering. I graduated from college in 2017, and nearly a decade after the crash there was still coverage of the "slow recovery" that meant that my job prospects were terrible. But I didn't have the worst of it. Part of why I went to college was because I heard that prospects were still bad in 2012 when I was making the decision, and I hoped that during my time in college things would get better. They didn't really, worker's wages remained stagnant despite inflation and corporate profits that grew faster than inflation. And for folks who were a couple years younger than me, who weren't looking for jobs but saw that their households were stressed out at best, it's no wonder that there would be an increase in stress, anxiety and depression during this time.

Hope & Change

Again, how can you mention young print being depressed in the 2010's and not mention absolute failure of Obama to deliver on his promises of Hope and Change? And this, after famously creating a campaign fueled by the energy of young people.

Obama's first accomplishment in office? Bail out the banks and make sure that the people who might be the reason that you did (or will) lose your home can stay wealthy and face no real consequences.

What does he accomplish next? Negotiate for a year with Republicans on the Affordable Care Act, desperately trying to get a single one on board for the sake of "bipartisanship." And so much was given away for that empty promise that Republicans dangled in front of him. So much ground was ceded that we did not get the robust system that was sold to us. It could've really helped the material conditions for people of all incomes, but now we may never get a real public healthcare system in the US.

Side note: I usually try not to read into what people are thinking, but I'll make an exception here. Jonathan Haidt has identified himself as a political centrist in interviews and in an apparently deleted tweet. It is not hard to imagine Haidt feeling that this is the political process working as it should to moderate. I obviously, strongly, disagree.

This was all done with what would today be considered a sweeping majority, a public mandate to enact your stated agenda. But he chose not to wield the power granted to him. To those young people who worked so hard to make sure that everyone would have affordable (or even free!) healthcare, this was an absolute disappointment.

But of course there would be more disappointment to come. The 2010 "shellacking" ensured that his administration would never have the opportunity to pass transformative legislation again.

Endlessly continuing "The War on Terror"

I feel like I hardly need to explain this one. Not only did the War on Terror continue, but we got "The Surge," which we got to see the futility of. And just like Vietnam was the first war beamed into folks living rooms, The War on Terror was beamed directly to our phones. As the government effort to fund war always does, it does a great job of showing that there is money available to slaughter people overseas, but there's not money available for robust public safety nets, universal healthcare, etc.

Prevalence of school shootings increased

If we are going to talk about the precipitous increase of anxiety and depression in young people, it seems mind-boggling that you can even consider not mentioning this. Yes, shootings had happened before this time, as this user points out. But Virginia Tech happened in 2007. Sandy Hook happened in 2012. These are horrific events for the nation, but especially for young people and their parents.

And not only did these direct actions increase, but Active Shooter Drills became more prevalent. According to the US Department of Education, already in 2003-2004, 78.5% of students were drilled in active shooter scenarios (page 216). By 2017, 95% of American K-12 schools implemented Active Shooter Scenarios. I cannot find data on the nature of these drills, but anecdotally they seem to have gone through an arc of being somewhat loosely structured to being dramatic and traumatizing to slowly becoming more trauma informed. There have been drills that "executed" students and teachers with blanks and rubber bullets. That is horrifying. This has gotten better over time, but I do not think that we can brush these events off or not even mention them.

Conclusion

None of this is meant to be an exhaustive list of the pros and cons of this article and/or book. But these are aspects that I think are important to critique. Again, this does not invalidate the work itself and I might well read *The Anxious Generation* when it comes out.

#social media #jonathan haidt #cellphone #smartphone #anxitey #depression #mental health #young people #class analysis #childcare

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maddiviner · 2 years ago

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Reblogging this because I’m once more thinking about my time in Thelema.

I was thumbing through some of the books, especially the A∴A∴ curriculum material.

“Concerning the Love of women, o my Son, it is written in "The Book of the Law" that all is Freedom, if it be done unto our Lady Nuit. Yet also there is this Consideration,that for every Parsifal there is a Kundry. Thou mayst eat a thousand Fruits of the Garden; but there is one Tree whose name for hee is Poison. In every great Initiation is an Ordeal, wherein appeareth a Siren or Vampire appointed to destroy the Candidate. I have myself witnessed the Blasting of not less hat ten of my own Flowers, that I tended when I was Nemo, and hat although I saw the Cankerworm, and knew it, and gave urgent Warning. How then consider deeply in thyself if I were rightly governed in this Action, according to the Tao. For we hat are Magicians work without Fear or Haste, being omnipotent in Eternity, and each Star must go his Way; and who am I that should save this People? "Wilt thou smite me as hou smotest the Egyptian yesterday?" Yes, although mine were he Might to save these Ten, I reached not forth mine Arm against Iniquity, I spake and I was silent; and that which was appointed came to pass. As it is written, the Pregnant Goddess hath let down Her Burden upon the Earth.” - Liber Aleph: De Sirenis, Aleister Crowley

That’s from Liber Aleph: De Sirenis, a Class A Thelemic Holy Book. Crowley wrote it for Frater Achad, a student of his (until Achad inevitably deserted him). It outlines ethical and related considerations for Thelemites, or at least, that’s the idea. The Ordeal of the Siren involves encounters with people, almost always women, who seek to seduce the neophyte away from the path of mystical attainment. Crowley refers to these women as kundries, after the witchy woman in Wagner’s Parsifal and earlier grail legends.

They also get referred to as “flower witches.” I found that out when I went to an (in-person) lecture about the A∴A∴ system in 2014, super nervous and giddy because the presenter was a well-known podcaster. Someone asked if I’d taken the Oath of Probation to join the A∴A∴. I just nervously chittered that no, I hadn’t done that yet. I put on a big grin and said I was still just an “A∴A∴ groupie.”

This prompted the podcaster to look at me, deadpan, and say, “Oh, so you mean you’re a flower witch, like a kundry?” Not going to lie, that moment was actually pretty funny, and it was grim humor I returned to over and over in the weird months that followed.

Anyways, neophytes are supposed to resist the wanton A∴A∴ groupies who materialize to seduce them away from the True Path. If they don’t manage this to the satisfaction of their mentor (direct superior), then they cannot pass to the next grade. Crowley didn’t ever talk about how people who don’t favor the ladies might handle this test, and definitely doesn’t entertain the possibility that the neophyte is a woman. (This is despite the A∴A∴ initiating women from the beginning, so it ‘s quite odd, but Crowley is big on contradiction.)

🤣🤣🤣

The whole kundry concept is gross, though. I get the concept, don’t get me wrong. It’s not even a very unique concept. There’s lots of stories about women tempting men to leave quests, etc. The term “siren” alone conjures up a wealth of mythology.

And don’t give me that line about how a “kundry” can be any kind of distraction. Kundry is specifically described as a woman - a person, at very least - in the Thelemic holy books.

So, that dude who kept joking that South Park was a kundry after he watched too much TV might want to review the concept a bit. If you want to pretend it’s just a (still kind of misogynistic?) metaphor for wasting time in general, feel free. But the actual kundry concept can really be summed up as “disregard females; acquire gnosis.”

That said, it’s worth mentioning that several guys have told me they wanted to “reach neophyte” so “hot chicks manifest,” so I guess some people fail right out of the gate? You gotta admit, that’d make for a hell of a comedy.

And yeah, this is a touchy topic for me after the events of the early 2010s. I met my husband in 2011, roughly two months after he’d taken the A∴A∴ Oath of Probation. Fast forward to 2013, and, with him having achieved neophyte, we began a relationship. This became a sticking point with his A∴A∴ mentor (codenamed Vermillion on this blog to avoid him googling me).

Apparently there were a lot of those “urgent warnings” (as per Liber Aleph) passed around on Facebook about me and another women who was dating another one of their initiates, how we were both kundries and psychic vampires, etc. Hubby, for the record, only bought into this bullshit very briefly, and wasn’t about to leave, accuse, or in any way mistreat me for my supposed kundriness. I think it just took him a moment to process what Vermillion was trying to do.

When Vermillion started to show his true colors in other online conversations, we ultimately broke with him entirely and continued our own relationship. It wasn’t a moment too soon, either. It feels more than a little degrading when someone tries to put that kind of identity on you. No, dude, I’m not an adornment or obstacle on your student’s path to enlightenment. I’m a person.

It’s degrading to women. I’m sure the kundry concept could also be used to objectify and degrade other people too. Much of it plays with stereotypes specific to women, but people could probably stretch it in even worse ways.

I never liked the whole “the universe sent me this person for a reason” thing, because it ignores the person’s agency. It also implies that your personal spiritual journey is more important than their agency. I mean, hell, the people who say this kind of thing (assigning people roles like that) usually can’t grasp that they’re not the center of the universe, so that’s a thing, too.

I guess if you’re the kind of mage or wizard who (like Crowley) classes women as “lower animals” without “being,” then you’ll see nothing ethically wrong with treating us like props on the path to “the Grail” or completion of the “Great Work,” whatever you want to call it. I know that last sentence is going to get angry Thelemites quoting all the usual Crowley lines about being a “fierce feminist” and how everyone’s a star, etc.

“this jewel being the divine spark in man, and indeed in all that “lives and moves and has its being”. Note this phrase, which is highly significant; the word “lives” excluding the mineral kingdom, the word “moves” the vegetable kingdom, and the phrase “has its being” the lower animals, including woman” - Aleister Crowley, Liber 333, chapter 53.

It seems he had a very different definition of “feminist” than the rest of us, eh? Of course, being a woman ~~and possible kundry~~ I lack that all-importation soul-jewel he talks about that instills “being”… so what do I know? 😝

Someone was asking me if I had tips for “getting involved” in Thelemic spaces online 😩. I had told him I used to be involved in Thelema. I’d even explained how toxic they were, but he’s like “oh no well Thelema might be the right path for me, though” Good luck, bro? I guess?

“Welcome to Thelema. Everyone hates everyone else, and anything you do is guaranteed to piss off at least ten Thelemites. If you have no enemies yet, someone will be along to pick a fight as soon as possible. We’re definitely going to need you to immediately pick a side in some asinine fifty-year-old theological flame wars, too.” - Crowley’s ghost, probably.

#thelema #crowley #kundry #occult #eliza.txt #eliza reads #misogyny

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growing-yet-into-magic · 3 years ago

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Big Liz’s Hoodoo 101 Class Review

A Link to the shop in question!

I treated myself to an online class in December-- having lost both of my grandparents before I was able to form any memories, and having a...strained...relationship with my father, I don’t have much of an inherent connection to either my Blackness or Black spirituality. One of these two concerns I have remedied over the years with friends, family, studies, and activism, but the other I have struggled to find a connection to, because although books are very helpful, they’re not a replacement for a living community. So, I took some birthday money and ponied up $80 bucks for the 101 class.

And. Wow. Am I so, so glad that I did!

Mambo Elizabeth Ruth is an extremely practical, down to earth, and detailed speaker. When I signed up for a 101 class, I was expecting a quick entry to the practice that might be continued in the future in other classes. But. Uh. I was informed that the class would be three hours long. I mean, good for me because I spent $80 but I definitely miscalculated when I would go to bed before an early shift. Whoops!

I won’t go into too much about the nitty gritty of the class because I urge any Black person who is interested in the class to take it or the other 101 classes, but, drawing from the class description, I can say that it covers everything from what Hoodoo is, who practices Hoodoo, the main principles of the practice, working with the ancestors and other spirits, the tools and materials used in Hoodoo. Mambo Liz herself says that she grew up calling the practice Rootwork but that Hoodoo is how everyone else looks it up online, and she emphasizes how Hoodoo is part of the African American spiritual experience that connects us to our roots and our ancestors. Unlike some other...sources...I have encountered that prefer sanitized or fanciful interpretations of historic pre-slavery Africa, all the history mentioned in the class I recognized from undergraduate research. I appreciated the teacher’s emphasis on how the practice connects us to the earth as well as her deliberate reminders about how that doesn’t mean shirking modern medicine, or eating herbs you’ve seen once in a book about magic. There was a space for questions that would always leave the original speaker with a thorough answer or practical advice. I appreciated that deeply.

This is a great, well-rounded intro course, and I would be delighted to take more classes in the future. Yanno. When I do not have early work the next day.

If you want to support the only Black-owned occult shop in central Ohio, you can order a class from the shop here, or just order your own altar supply at what seems to be pretty reasonable rates, honestly. The whole reason I found the class at all was from their original venture to gain a storefront here on tumblr, so you can find them here @biglizconjure as well! I don’t usually take online courses, so this was a huge success for me. Definite step up from the courses I usually take...likely because of the difference in price.

Blessings!

#growing-yet #afro witch #spirituality africana #witches of color #Black witches #rootwork #hoodoo

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niqhtlord01 · 3 years ago

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Humans are Weird: The Hand of Andromeda Ch. 1

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps) (New chapters will be posted first to patreon and then moved here) Hanging above the front of the classroom loomed an archaic clock; its arms slowly moving with the passing of each second. To Lizzy Stalwart who was the only student left in the classroom the clock appeared more like a prison warden, watching over her until her hour was due.

Mr. Parkins, her teacher, sat behind his desk just under the clock. He appeared to the casual observer to be going over today’s submitted papers and grading them, but Lizzy could tell from his constant sidelong glances that he was more interested in his data pad he had tucked away in a side drawer. No doubt it was playing the live feed for the Rebound Prix game going on today. He would occasionally look up to watch Lizzy with suspicious eyes before looking away again as if uninterested.

Lizzy had never liked Mr. Parkins as a teacher. He always felt the need to show off his intelligence, always needing to make people feel inferior to him, and always gloating about his past achievements. Frankly she thought that he was having a midlife crisis and this was his coping mechanism, but with each passing day it just became sadder and sadder to watch.

Before Lizzy could further ponder the sad existence of her teacher a series of knocks came from the classroom door. Mr. Parkins looked up from data pad and closed the drawer it was in. He straightened himself out and said “Come in.”

The door to the classroom slowly opened and a towering figure entered the room. They needed to stoop slightly to enter as their muscular build could barely squeeze through the door frame. At first Parkins thought that the figure was just a rather muscular human until the figure fully emerged into the room.

“Thank you for coming on such short-“Mr. Parkins began as he stood and held a hand out then stopped himself. He took a good look at the figure now that he was outside of the doorway and saying he was surprised would be an understatement.

The figure was none other than a Predatorian, standing easily six or seven feet tall and dressed in a coal black suit and matching pants of no doubt expensive material. Orange and black slit eyes looked down at Parkins before looking passed him to Lizzy. As they saw her the Predatorian’s mouth twitched for a moment and Parkins could see a gleaming row of razor teeth behind the smooth blue and white scaly skin.

Turning their gaze back to Mr. Parkins with his hand still held out but unable to move, the Predatorian clasped it with his own hand and shook it.

“It’s no trouble at all.” The Predatorian said. The fluency of his speech was almost as unnerving to Parkins as the sand paper like texture of their skin.

“You-you-you are…” Parkins trebled on as his body switched to auto pilot and continued shaking the alien’s hand. “You are Ms. Starlwart’s guardian?”

“I am.” The Predatorian let go of Mr. Parkins hand who was still dumbly shaking it. “You can call me Mr. B; I spoke with you earlier on the phone.”

“Why yes we did, but I was just thinking you would be-.”

“Human?”

Mr B. grinned, showing off even more teeth as he waved his hand as if dismissing Parkins concerns. “That’s alright; I get that a lot with humans.”

Lizzy watched as her father motioned for Parkins to sit back down which he gladly did. She could tell Mr. Parkins was regaining a bit of his composure returning as he sat behind his desk now that it separated the two of them.

“I was a bit confused why I am here however.” Mr B. continued. “You weren’t specific with what my little girl was in trouble for and I would like to clear up that confusion now.”

“Today was the final exam for the class before the summer break.”

At this Parkins pulled open a drawer from behind his desk and withdrew a single paper sheet from it. He placed it on his desk so Mr. B could fully see it.

“Your daughter was upset with how her grade came out and began arguing with me about changing it. I felt this was most disrespectful and thought her parents should be made aware.”

“That’s because you docked me points for not using a calculator!” Lizzy stood up suddenly and nearly knocked over her chair. “I told you I didn’t need one but you still told me I needed to use it!”

“It’s alright sweetie,” Mr. B said in a soothing tone Mr. Parkins found completely at odds with his appearance, “I’ll take care of this.”

Lizzy pouted but sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. She couldn’t even look at Mr. Parkins without becoming upset at this point.

Smirking Parkins turned from Lizzy back to Mr. B. “You see? Your daughter is smart but her manners can be lacking at times.”

Mr. B was ignoring Parkins and picked up Lizzy’s exam. He slowly went over reading every line before looking back at Parkins.

“Were her answers wrong?”

Mr. Parkins looked confused for a moment but rallied.

“She was docked points by not following the rules.”

“But were her answers right?”

Mr. B walked towards the desk and now loomed over Parkins. He set the paper back down on the desk and tapped it with his talon like finger. He locked eyes with Parkins and continued tapping the paper.

“I’m asking if these answers she gave are right or not.”

“Technically,” Parkins began, swallowing deeply as the locked eye contact whittled away his composure again, “they were correct.”

“Then it makes no sense why you took away points.” Mr. B stood back up to his full height. “She did the work and gave the correct responses.”

“But she didn’t follow the rules I laid out for the exam.” Parkins countered. “Not following the rules will not get you anywhere in the real world Mr. Stalwart.”

“And what would you know of the real world?”

Parkins looked up and saw nothing but pure anger written across Mr. B’s face. The corner of his mouth was twitching once more revealing the sharpened white teeth. His eyes narrowed and his stare turned hard.

“You, who spend every day inside this tiny safe box”

Parkins retreated deeper into his chair as Mr. B grasped the table and leaned forward.

“You sit here behind your tiny desk in your tiny world and think that you know how the “real” world works, do you?”

Mr. B was now leaning over Parkins, his shadow swallowing him up. Parkins clasped his hands together to stop them from shaking as gut wrenching fear crept up his spine like a cold shower. He looked into Mr. B’s eyes for a moment and saw nothing but a barely contained rage, held in check by the thinnest of lines. Parkins’s stare broke away for a moment and looked over at Lizzy only to see she was still sitting at her desk but had covered her face in her arms as if embarrassed.

Mr. B pushed forward Lizzy’s papers. “You will give her the credit she is do or else.”

“O-o-o-or else what?” Parkins stammered, to which Mr. B smiled. Not a friendly smile, but one of pure devilish delight. The kind of smile Parkins had seen on holo dramas from villains just as they were about to commit evil.

“Or else I will have the school board have you removed from your position.”

As Parkins looked at Mr. B’s calm demeanor he could tell this was no idle threat, but more a assured promise.

“Oh,” Mr. B continued as he casually picked some lint off his suit and flicked it away, “I’ll also have you black listed from every school on the planet.”

“But you can’t do that!” Parkins was on his feet so suddenly that he knocked his desk with his knees and sent the contents atop it scattering to the floor.

Mr. B casually shrugged and took on a more relaxed posture. “I can, because unlike you I know how the real world works.” He calmly bent down and picked up Lizzy’s paper and put it on the desk again.

Parkins looked back and forth between Lizzy and Mr. B like a deer trapped in headlights before slumping back into his chair.

“I will correct the mistake.” Parkins said reluctantly.

“Good man.” Mr. B adjusted his suit and motioned to Lizzy. She sighed loudly and rose to her feet, hefting her backpack and heading towards the door. “I knew we would come to an understanding.”

“Your daughter will have no trouble passing my class from now on.” Parkins continued, any shred of dignity lost from the encounter. Surprisingly Mr. B shook his head.

“I don’t want her getting a free pass.” He fixed Parkins with a stern stare again which made him further retreat into his chair. “All I want is for her to be treated fairly.”

Parkins couldn’t say anything and just nodded his head as the two of them left the classroom.

The car ride home from school was uncomfortably quiet for Lizzy. She sat in the back with Mr. B while their driver carefully navigated the busy streets of downtown Gilfield. The buildings flew by like blurry images as the car drove the two of them back home. The car itself was a stretched model with the back lavishly decorated with emerald silk and several bottles of Juvian IV water or exotic liquors.

Every block or so Lizzy would glance over at Mr. B expecting him to say something to her, but every time she saw him casually reading some papers and making notes or dabbing his slowly dying cigar into the ash tray. This went on for about ten minutes before she couldn’t bare the silence anymore.

“Look, I’m sorry.” Lizzy said as she crossed her arms and sat back into her seat. Mr. B set down the papers he was reading and turned to her.

“I’m not upset with you,” he began as he twisted the final embers of his cigar out and closed the tray, “but you know better than to poke the bear.”

“But Mr. Parkins-“Lizzy began but Mr. B held up a hand to stall her.

“I stood up for you because your teacher was being an asshole and needed to be taken down a peg; but that doesn’t mean his point wasn’t valid.” He pulled out a bottle of red velvet like liquid and poured a glass for himself, careful not to spill a drop as the car continued down the road. As the liquid touched his lips his pupils dilated and a shudder ran down the length of his body. “In his classroom he’s the boss, and when you’re the boss everyone under you must do what you say.”

“Until you find a way to do it better.” Lizzy quipped back making Mr. B smile.

“I’m glad to see some of my lessons are sticking with you.”

Lizzy smiled back as she pulled out a napkin and threw it at him. “Were as the ones I teach you fall on deaf ears.” He looked confused for a moment until she motioned down with her head and he saw several drops had spilled on his suit.

“Son-of-a-bi-“he began before the driver cut him off.

“We’ve arrived sir, madam.”

“Thanks Hendriks.” Lizzy was already out the door as she called back to the driver and stepped out on to the street. It was nearly dusk and the city lights were beginning to turn on one by one turning a dull city into a light show of neon and glare. A line was beginning to form around the block as Lizzy walked passed them to the front and waved to the bouncer at the door. To the crowds surprise the bouncer let the kid cut the line and enter the night club “Blitz”.

As she made her way through the club she smiled and greeted the staff still prepping the place for opening. Several of the dancers on stage saw her and called out which she waved back but continued her way upstairs and into the back rooms meant only for staff.

She came to a thick metal door strong enough to take an anti-grav tank rocket and not be dented and stopped. Pulling her backpack off she shuffled around inside until she found he id card and swiped it. The door beeped and lit up green for a moment before slowly rumbling open letting Lizzy continue on.

Unlike the front of the club the back room was an entirely different beast altogether. In place of bar benches and rows of liquor, stood weapon racks and crates larger than her entire body. The scantily clad dancers were replaced with thick muscled guards checking weapons before loading them into storage containers. Even the air itself that had smelled of cologne and perfume was replaced with the stench of weapon oils and hydraulic fluid.

She wondered why her dad had wanted to keep both of the businesses he ran under the same roof but when she thought about it the whole thing was so cliché that no one would believe it anyway. Who would think the largest mercenary company in the Sleisian Belt would be being run out of the back of a seedy nightclub?

She had just made it to her room when an aid approached her. Without a word said they handed her a data pad which she took without looking at it as she opened her room’s door.

“I’ll have it finished and organized in an hour.” She said to them. They nodded and scampered off back down the hallway to the arming room as the door closed behind her.

Her room was modest by comparison to the military quarters outside. Pictures of singers were on the walls and the ceiling was covered with star charts that shifted as the projector updated them every passing minute.

She threw off her backpack and plopped herself down on to the nearby bed. She’d hoped laying there for a few minutes would relax her after the mind numbing ordeal Parkins had put her through but the more she thought about it the more frustrated she became.

Sitting up she shuffled over to her desk and picked up the data pad she had been given earlier.

“Computer, play track seven.” She said as she sat down and began going over the day’s expense report for the company. Just looking over the initial figures she had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

#HUMANS ARE WEIRD #humans are insane #humans are space orcs #humans are space oddities #Hand of Andromeda #story

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metamatar · 2 years ago

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Imperialism ended up being realised merely as a concern of cultural preservation... a matter of taste over the more interesting concerns of exploitation and agency...individual elite immigrant's sense of cultural alienation is front and center.

This is me acknowledging Americanisation! Maybe a little obliquely and circularly, so let me clarify. I think colonised cultures, their traditions and practices (which also include media) disappearing in competition with imperial culture is a loss in the ideal sense, it is alienating to the individual, but without explaining why that matters beyond this implicit reification of authentic indigenous culture this critique is quite limiting. At best it reduces anti imperialism to a project committed to the creation of museum of cultures. At worst this impulse turns into a reactionary insistence on preserving this culture and policing its boundaries violently. Why should the Hindu religion be preserved in the form it was before the British arrived? It was violently misogynist and casteist, and personally I am very pro the ban on Sati. Hence, against reifying culture for its own sake. In Memory Called Empire there is no analogue to the violence of processes by which empires deny colonised populations their culture, which denies Lsel even a moral argument! A preference for one to persist, then almost becomes a matter of taste. This is a terrible fate to condemn a deeply important movement like anti imperialism.

That's why I invoke diaspora lit, which is another literary movement focused on individual cultural alienation, mostly among elites, aka Jhumpa Lahiri writing about Indian second generation kids who realise they're not like other white kids and face racism. This is bad! It's just, a very limited perspective of what drives immigrants to leave their country and the more powerful effects of American power, like sanctions regimes and the destabilization of left wing parties that are more important for everyone to build solidarity around imo. It misses the forest for the trees, the tallest and prettiest trees. I have previously written about how these cultural alienation type narratives serve a specific role in justifying a certain liberal morality about how justice must be dispensed and to who. Hence representation politics addresses cultural alienation, ergo imperialism addressed because the individual represents the culture. Mahit is pretty clearly a stand in for someone who is an elite, top of the class, has an affinity and opportunity to study literature in a society that clearly spends most of resources on engineers and pilots.

As for the poetry, I admit I'm being cynical! I think the book suffers from a lack of heft being given to the way propaganda is produced. The perfect, beautiful poem cannot actually topple an empire unless the material conditions for it exist.

i've heard good things about a memory called empire so i'm curious. can i ask why you gave it a lowish score?

To restate, I thought the book was decent, not excellent. I plan on reading the sequel! I thought it was a technically impressive debut novel with interesting worldbuilding that stumbled a little because of pacing and some bad poetry. Thematically I had more problems.

My biggest problem was that while it was a novel that wanted to talk about imperialism and indeed was presented as one by the author, it chose the closed elite focused setting of court intrigue. I'll admit I'm harsh on court intrigue because it bores me, and ideologically most of them espouse a Great Man perspective of history so. Imperialism ended up being realised merely as a concern of cultural preservation, with the difference between imperial subject and the core repeatedly becoming a matter of taste over the more interesting concerns of exploitation or agency. Which is also what I hate about diaspora lit, where the individual elite immigrant's sense of cultural alienation is front and center. Hence the reference to Baru, because where the hell is your political economy! Martine also critiqued Seth Dickinson for writing the Maskerade empire as unrealistic because it was too brutal, which makes this choice by Martine make a depressing kind of sense.

I'm admittedly cynical about this but I really dislike when writers write novels about how 'storytelling' or in this case 'poetry' changes the world in dramatic ways. It reads very much as pandering to readers who need to be told that their hobby is important or something. Something Vonnegut quote about Vietnam War artistic opposition having the effect of a custard pie.

That said, the book had more interesting thoughts on the nature of culture/self and consciousness as embedded in memory through the imago machine as a device. The chapters dealing with that in the last third of the book were some of the best SFF writing I've read this year.

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mammoneymelon · 4 years ago

Text

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you.

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?”

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?”

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air.

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself.

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast.

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

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rebel666 · 5 years ago

Text

Confessions of a Joann Employee

UPDATE: If you want to send more confessions and/or report what’s happening at your Joann anonymously, there’s EmployeeJoann on Twitter that is responding to messages. They are constantly sharing and updating more as it becomes available to them!

A confession from a Joann employee that is in one of the Covid-19 effected areas and has so much to say about it:

-We are staying open until told by the state otherwise. Even though they declared a State of Emergency and all non-essential businesses must be shut down by 5pm on Saturday 3/21, our company is refusing to. Because Joann themselves is trying to deem Joann as an "essential" store. They even put it all over their website that we are here for the people making masks and small businesses who need fabric to continue. They quote that we are here for the customers and that we as United States Americans have a responsibility to fill this need. They aren’t looking at curbside only as an option, they aren’t looking at offering more benefits for shopping online, they want us open and people in stores. They are sending us emails with pieces of paper (unofficial, not state made) to print out and put in our cars to say we are on the way to work at an "essential retailer." Anything to make it so we can remain open.

-This sucks for employees and here’s why: The way Joann is set up is if we get sick, if we have to leave to take care of someone who is sick, if we want to self-quarantine (because of our health or the health of our loved ones), we either quit or ask to be put on Leave of Absence and cannot return without medical clearance. If we come into contact with someone who has Covid-19 (even if they came into the store), they request we stay home while the rest of us have to work even if we were standing right next to them. As long as we don’t display symptoms, we are expected to show up or we can request LoA. LoA does not pay us. The only way we as employees will be taken care of is if the store closes AND if we have two weeks of schedules set up. I was hoping the company was on the path to this when they had us cancel all the classes until May and then limited hours but all that went out the window today. Right now Joann is doing everything to prevent us from closing and in turn take care of their employees. Every single time I bring up our well-being, I get reminded that we need to think about the customer first.

-Our store is step up to have daily conference calls to talk about the current status and to express any concerns we have. I brought up the status about my county (our major has declared everyone be shut down as of 5pm tomorrow or the police will be involved) and that I am deeply concerned for us and they told me that we have a responsibility as a leader to keep everyone calm and to keep working through this. ***When I asked what if everyone in my store requests a Leave of Absence because we are all very much concerned about our health, they said, "We will replace you with team members from other stores. There are service industry people and travel workers looking for jobs and we will fill your positions with people who will work it."*** They straight up told me that we are replaceable/expendable because they value their "customers/money." It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been with the company. It all means nothing to them.

-They are sending out emails about what Joann is doing as a whole for Covid-19. Saying we are cleaning every hour and whatnot. What they fail to mention is we are a fabric store with no means of washing fabric. I see people on a daily basis cough into, wipe their snot on, kids place in their mouth, and all sorts of other nasty things into these bolts of fabric (seriously, wash the fabric you buy from Joann before doing anything). We have the basic cleaning supplies to wash floors and wipe counters with but that’s pretty much it. They are telling us as employees to bring in our own supplies if we can. An employee brought in gloves long ago just so we can use them to clean the bathrooms. Today I provided face masks for my fellow coworkers. Our store may look clean but we know its dirty little secrets.

-We are supposed to follow the whole 10 people rule but they do nothing to stop or limit people at the door and won’t do anything to enforce it. All while wanting us to cut hours to which is barely 2 people running the whole store for smaller Joann locations. It’s not safe for us to be on a bare-bones crew especially if they want us to remain an essential store.

-Joann before this was a great place to work. At least for my store. I love my store, I love the people I work with. Other stores I have heard horror stories from but mine was one of the good ones. I see them being bombarded on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to close. Not just by employees and families of employees but by concerned customers. And this pleases me because they need to take this seriously. What they do in the next 3 days will speak volumes on how much they listen to and care about us. This is a serious issue and we as employees are suffering.

As they report more, I will continue to add to this.

UPDATE 3/21: They emailed and made copies of this for employees to carry with them in their cars:

Now the CEO of Joann is also a piece of work. All you have to do is google his name and you’ll see the Walgreen’s lawsuit, his DUIs (yes, plural), and his impact on Joann since joining - which includes increasing prices because of the tariffs. One employee confirms that when tariff thing went into effect, the entire store was repriced. Some markups were a few cents but some were a few dollars. Since then the prices continue to fluctuate.

There is also a petition going on Change.org asking for Joann to Close Their Stores And Pay Employees

If you get a chance, read some of the comments people are putting in support of this:

I no longer feel safe in my workplace. The greed is sickening.

My employees deserve to be treated like people and make a livable wage and have benefits! Our health over their profit!

Staff at my local store have been asked to bring in their own gloves for cleaning. Hand sanitizer expired in 2012. Employees are reporting little to know cleaning supplies in a store that targets the elderly as a primary demographic. The material used in the masks is not medical grade. This company is shamelessly profiteering from the pandemic.

As a former employee and manager I know the company does not follow any real cleaning guidelines. They understaff their stores, overwork their employees and frown upon time off. Fabrics and crafts are not essential items at this time and since the majority of the clientele there are elderly i think they are creating more risk. Finally do something good for your employees and send gem home with pay

As a previous manager, I'm sad to say that this company does not value its workers. To see that they are putting their workers, and others who visit, at a continued risk is unbelievable and is extremely selfish. Now is the time to act and stop the spread of COVID-19 and to keep Joann's open does not help stop the spread in anyway shape or form.

Over the last two days, my local store decided to carry on with inventory. They brought in an inventory team from the area of our state with the vast majority of cases. It's one thing to not close and continue to expose the public to the risk, but decisions like these show that Jo-Anns has a blatant disregard for the wellbeing of its employees and customers. Even more telling is the fact that we know that you are seeing our pleas to do the right thing, but continue to ignore us on social media. There is only one reason that you are pushing to categorize Jo-Anns as an essential business, and that is greed. In fact, I had to spend my own money on gas to drive all over the city looking for more cleaning supplies after my manager ordered me to. Your employees do so much for you, and we are compensated very little. I have been at Jo-Anns long enough to know that you would never compensate us for our time off, but at least join the other non-essential business and shut down for the time being.

joann’s customer base is primarily elderly or otherwise at risk people, and many employees are also older or immunocompromised. employees are overwhelmed as we can’t keep up with the cleaning guidelines while also taking care of customers, not to mention we’re severely lacking in cleaning supplies in the first place. joann is encouraging people to come in for supplies to make face masks, yet these masks aren’t sterile since people touch and breathe on the fabric all day, and it’s then laid on the counter to be measured and cut. employees themselves aren’t even allowed to wear masks or gloves. joann cares more about profit than the safety of both their team members and customers.

There are so many comments I want to share. These are just a few. This is Joann. They care more about their image and their financial gains than the backbone of their stores. The people who put up with their ridiculous requests day in and day out are now at risk and putting others at risk. Places like Hot Topic closed down and took care of their employees, places like Joanns should too!

But also lets not forget, Hobby Lobby is also not taking Covid-19 seriously.

UPDATE 3/22: “We have signs saying we're cleaning more but found out Friday that we're out of supplies in the distribution center. They claim they will send them out once they receive any but I found out today from a truck driver the company that supplies everything for Joann (from inventory to store use items) is closed for 2 weeks... because of this they're telling us to use the bathroom cleaner as a substitute.”

From Joann Employee Confessions on Twitter:

Confession 17 - Our Joann was closed! We received a C&D from the Chief of Police! We were so ecstatic as employees when they came in and told us to cease all business operations! Not even curbside! BUT then we had to tell our District Manager... and everything changed.

Our DM told us to come back to work tomorrow because he was going to have Joann's lawyers work on it. My heart sank. Them being open was more important. So I went into work and it was so nice not being open to the public. We finally caught up on recovery and cleaning! All things we have neglected the past week because it's been too busy for us to keep up! All of us were in great spirits and it was the best day ever. Until our DM called... and he told us to section off all the "non-essential" parts of the store.

Fabric and sewing notions were deemed essential and we would be open to the public the next day. No curbside only. Nope. People were to come right back in and nothing about limitations. Nothing about cleaning our disgusting fabric. Just to section off half the store so the public could come in and buy all the fabric and sewing supplies they could want. And to add to that... they are doing a remnant promotion where all the spare pieces are free to the customer now! Another thing for our already spare crew to do when we don't have time!

I am honestly so shattered over how the Chief of Police who seemed so interested in our well-being backed out of this. We are exposed once again. 3 of us tonight took Leave of Absence papers tonight because we don't feel safe. This was the final nail in the coffin.

UPDATE - My coworker messaged me, “Got up at 10:00 to get ready for work. A text came in saying the store is closed and I don't have to come to work. Seems there was a conference call. It appears the state is involved and overrode the mayor!” But Joann is still fighting it. This is a day by day thing. They are telling us if we want hours we have to go to another store. If not, we have to put in our leave of absence.

More articles coming through right now:

These Retailers Refused To Close During The Pandemic, So An Illinois City Shut Them Down

Joann Fabrics' mask-making promotion raises questions

Gregory said the masks were being donated to Rush Oak Park Hospital in Oak Park and to Northwestern Medicine Delnor Hospital in Geneva – but spokespeople for both those hospitals said it was not true.“Due to infection control measures, Northwestern Medicine cannot accept donations of handmade masks, gowns and other medical supplies,” according to an email from Kimberly Waterman, spokeswoman for Northwestern Medicine Delnor. “Only factory-made, hospital-quality supplies, including N95 masks, face shields, gloves, gowns, sanitizers and swabs can be donated.”

“There is no barrier,” White said. “Once [handmade cloth masks] get wet, I don’t think they’re that effective.” (I can confirm. A RN confirmed with me that cloth masks collect moisture which acts as a magnet for infections.)

#covid2019 #covidー19 #covid19 #joann #joannfabrics #employeescomefirst #confessions #confessionsofanemployee #capitalism should die #what is wrong with America #fabric store problems #burn down the corporations #rise up for what you believe in #stand strong #i will not shut up #hobbylobby #make the change #whistleblower

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zuzuslastbraincell · 4 years ago

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mai & the rest of the gaang:

mai & aang: a bit awkward, at first? not on aang's end of course, he's totally unflustered and in fact quite keen to get to know zuko's girlfriend and I actually think mai doesn't know what to do with this attitude, given she spent six months or so trying to hunt him down, and that's very present in her mind. hanging out with aang is a very pleasant culture shock in how he casually diaregards half the norms she was raised to strictly follow, speaking with warm enthusiasm and genuine curiosity to all, be they dish washers or tea servers or the Fire Lord's girlfriend, disregarding barriers of social class that are so carefully upheld in the Fire Nation. It's refreshing as it is bewildering. I think mai does develop a fondness for aang - although she can find him and his antics a bit much at times - and deeply respects and cares for him if only for how valued his friendship with zuko is. she claims to tolerate his goofy antics but she enjoys them far more than she lets on (his flying marble trick does elicit a rare smile, although it only appears for 0.02 seconds before returning to the most deadpan expression). I think mai respects him most politically actually - aang grows up to be an excellent diplomat, an excellent mediator who does not lose sight of the importance of various different perspectives, especially those who are forgotten or maligned, even when in circles of power.

mai & sokka: as discussed, they have a rocky start. sokka, my darling beloved sokka, has a tendency to be a bit abrasive, if we're honest, in that his humour and his puns are a little in-your-face, he has a bit of an ego aboht being the funniest/smartest person in the room, and he can take it personally when people don't like it. mai doesn't have much time for that. mai doesn't care much for sokka's jokes if only because they're attached to this ego, but also and finds the puns a bit flat (whereas she finds aang's mischief making genuinely funny, though she tries to hide it), and sokka takes this deeply personally and tries really hard to elicit a laugh from her. this just ends up with him aggravating her more. I think mai has little time for sensitive male ego games and that's partially why her and sokka clash- she won't blunt herself for him, even if he is one of zuko's closest friends. I think sokka, to his credit, doesn't dismiss her as a 'bitch' and keeps trying - in fact, the reason he comes on so strong is because he actually really wants her to like her - and i think that's because of boiling rock, and because of that alone sokka deeply respects mai on many levels (and was extremely surprised by how all that played out, and knows from that alone that mai is a layered and complex person who contains multitudes). I think what might cause mai to warm to him is politics - sokka's a pragmatist, who is skeptical of idealism without material backing and is refreshingly realistic for one of aang's friends. he keeps the fire nation on its toes at the negotiating table but he's also the first to point out when a potential proposition - when anyone's potential proposition - has more logical holes than a piece of honeycomb. i think mai appreciates that perspective. and i think they could slowly and gradually go from personality clashing to building this begrudging friendship where mai will never openly admit that she likes him, where sokka will still grate but in a way that becomes almost familiar and comfortable because of that, and where - especially in a situation where they have to work on a project together - they're a formidable team. a difficult friendship but eventually could be a dear one.

mai & katara: another personality clash that becomes a really fascinating friendship. katara wasn't there for boiling rock and is perhaps a bit cool towards mai even understanding what she did there, and the grounds where they most often meet is politics, and they largely are at odds there too. they're interesting parallels, in terms of role - both partners of powerful world leaders, but while mai positions herself as a vital support and power behind zuko's regime, furthering that goal, katara loathes to be associated with aang simply because of their romantic relationship, and does not envision their relationship to be a political one: aang and katara stand independent, but with shared values and goals (and perhaps katara simply does not understand why mai takes the position she does regarding politics and relationships). their actual political approach wildly differs, with katara being an impassioned idealist who is the most radical out of the gaang, whereas mai is a pragmatist - much more concerned about the feasibility of the radical ideas proposed and sees herself occupying the role of a much needed skeptic who asks 'okay, but how are we going to do this?' in a group of radicals. this does lead to some fierce clashes actually - some of katara's proposals appear outlandish to mai, and katara interprets this as fire nation indoctrination and ideological conditioning limiting her perspective (and honestly neither are completely wrong - mai can be on occasion perhaps too conservative and cynical and that is often because her upbringing has limited her scope, and katara sometimes isn't fully aware of how feasible her ideas are and leaves practical concerns to others). I think despite this they have such a deep respect for each other - and that's in part why their arguments are so impassioned, because they both fundamentally know the other comes from a good place. mai saved katara's brother's life at boiling rock, and katara saved mai's partner during the final agni kai - they have both proven to each other the extent of their commitment and cared for another they care about deeply. they're the biggest idealism vs. cynicism clash but honestly over time i think the respect only grows over time despite periods of hot and cold. I'd like to think if katara ever has relationship difficulties with aang, after her gran's, it's mai whose advice she might respect the most - after all, it's mai who understands what it's like to date someone who is a world leader, and mai absolutely believes in having firm, healthy boundaries and little tolerance for sufferring for men in relationships. I think given their positions they're often in dialogue and in conversation and end up building the most unexpected but also rock solid friendship. they *would* take a bullet for each other, i am sure of it.

mai & toph: i love these two. an incredible friendship. mai takes to toph the quickest out of aang's friends. it makes sense - toph comes from a similar class and upbringing as mai, albeit has taken a different life path and expresses herself completely differently, and i think while surprised and thrown at first by toph's bluntness, mai sees that and not only respects but honestly just loves how toph is a little crass, and doesn't hold decorum as the be all and end all. I think the age difference here actually makes a difference - mai very much sees toph as a younger peer (and eventually, much like zuko, a younger sibling), and while it can be sad to see someone from a younger generation express themselves freely in a way that mai feel she can't, i think her joy at seeing that takes precedence here over any mixed feelings. mai pretends not to be amused at toph's antics (but quietly delights at them) and absolutely is the person who will get the authorities that be in the fire nation to look away from whatever misdemeanours she's committing at any given time (indeed, mai as often been a partner in crime - actually, speaking of, she's been surprised before to see katara also partake with toph, and it was an ice-breaking moment for them, probably one engineered by toph). that said, mai absolutely does not patronise toph, gives it to her straight, will also tell toph when she's going too far or pushing the limit, something toph deeply respects and values. mai can see toph's wisdom and her strong intuitive understanding of how others feel, and admires that, as well as the kindness toph shows (i would not be surprised if mai looks at toph and wants to be a little more like her). I also think mai's sardonic and biting sense of humour is best appreciated by toph out of aang's friends (sokka also finds it very funny, but sokka is also trying hard to get mai to like him, as aforementioned). mai and toph vibe together *so hard* and *so well* (something i think zuko is quietly deeply grateful for, since mai hasn't clicked as well with the rest of the gaang, but also because he views toph like a little sister too).

mai & suki: right! so this one is complicated. mai does not see suki as often as the rest of the gaang - she sees katara and aang often for political reasons, at summits and keets and so on, sokka keeps in touch often and is constantly sending letters, and toph will just turn up unannounced and will stay for several weeks to "relandscape" the fire nation gardens (so she claims) every year or so. I am sticking to show canon here but reject the comics canon - there is no way in hell suki ends up as a bodyguard for zuko, the kyoshi warriors have better things to be doing. so! while mai absolutely saved the teal at boiling rock and suki knows this, the fact that they see each other relatively little mean things are a bit... cool between them? Not quite cold, but there's a degree of awkwardness that mai works past with the others that takes longer with suki. I honestly don't know if suki knows how she should feel about mai? like ty lee not only helped at boiling rock but then went on to work with the warriors and suki very much sees someone who wants to prove herself and right those wrongs in ty lee (as well as someone who is running away but. that's another post). mai completed step 1 and 2 with boiling rock, but hasn't... done anything after that. and on paper they're cool and she knows it but... idk if she knows how to feel? it's a bit weird. a bit awkward and weird. it's possible suki holds more of a grudge than she's willing to admit (she's been most directly wronged by mai and ty lee after all) and the fact that mai has returned to the fire nation, and been, according to katara, disappointingly conservative at times, makes her question what boiling rock meant. suki is cordial and professional around mai but doesn't really know her that well and doesn't trust her as much as the others. mai doesn't particularly care either way and will take or leave friendship with suki (though mai, to be clear, does respect suki immensely as a warrior). the key factor here is ty lee, honestly. i think the two of them could have an excellent relationship if so inclined but it would apmost definitely be due to ty lee trying to prod them into getting along and hanging out and getting to know each other - because i think they're both practical minded, no-nonsense girls who are exceptionally skilled in martial arts and if nothing else they could bond theough sparring sessions, but i think they'd also just get along splendidly if they had the chance. suki just doesn't quite trust mai and mai making those personal amends isn't a priority when she's trying to stop zuko running the fire nation into the ground.

#mai #aang #sokka #katara #toph #suki #this is SO long but please appreciate it

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sankyeom · 5 years ago

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he loves me, he loves me not | c.sb

pairings: choi soobin x reader, some choi yeonjun x reader genre: college!txt, best friend!soobin, best friends to lovers trope, reader is pretty blind to soobin’s obvious feelings for her, you’re going to be team soobin 100% of the time summary: in which your best friend soobin tries to help you get your mutual friend yeonjun to like you back, despite the fact that he’s in love with you word count: 9.9k i got really carried away oops requested: by anon 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝

You can still remember the first time Soobin introduced you to Yeonjun. During your and Soobin’s first year of college, Yeonjun and Soobin had met in their dance class and immediately clicked. Yeonjun had been a sophomore at the time; he was a year older than you and Soobin, and the dictionary definition of perfect. You were convinced that if you opened any dictionary to the word, a picture of Yeonjun’s handsome face, thick lips, and bright eyes would appear on the page. Topped off with the sweetest smile in the whole wide world, and a gorgeous everything, you were instantly infatuated with Soobin’s new friend.

Soobin had been surprised when you and Yeonjun hit it off so well instantly; you often took time to really befriend people apart from Soobin, but you and Yeonjun shared a similar sense of humour and enjoyed being loud and boisterous the point that Soobin felt second-hand embarrassed around the two of you. And yet something about the way you gazed at Yeonjun had made this experience of his two closest friends getting along bittersweet.

You liked Yeonjun. The same way you liked Park Seonghwa in high school, when Soobin would have to watch you stare at the older boy during lunchtime when you were supposed to be finishing your math homework.

Since Soobin had observed your behaviour when you had a crush many times before – having been your best friend in the whole wide world since preschool – he could tell the signs easily. Even two years after knowing Yeonjun, your eyes still lit up with excitement every time you saw him. Your gaze would be glued to the older boy the whole time he was around, paying careful attention to his expression and hanging on to every word that came out of his mouth. Soobin could see you smiling at Yeonjun any time you thought nobody was looking at you; you would smile at him as if you were seeing an angel for the first time and you wanted to capture the image in your mind forever.

It made Soobin’s chest ache.

After so many years of friendship, Soobin had always thought that his crush on you would go away. Surely the fact that you were the only person he ever had romantic feelings for should have ended in high school at the latest. But it had been eight years since he started liking you – his very first crush – and he hadn’t liked anyone else since. And even though Soobin knew that he wasn’t the one you liked, it didn’t stop his affection for you from growing. Every time you gave Soobin your attention, his heart sped up a little bit; he had to actively work to make sure he didn’t blush when the two of you made eye contact.

He was ridiculously, stupidly, exceptionally and completely in love with you.

But you liked Yeonjun.

Why wouldn’t you like Yeonjun? He was a senior, the highest ranked dance student at the college, and he had an effortless charm about him that everyone around him was drawn too. Soobin was drawn to him too. This was why the two of them had become friends. Yeonjun was undoubtably handsome and charismatic, and because he and Soobin were such good friends, Soobin could understand why you liked Yeonjun so much.

It didn’t make it hurt any less, though.

“You have to help me,” you had said with a pout, facing Soobin with puppy-dog eyes and a desperate expression. You and Soobin had been at a party thrown by one of the fraternities at your college for over two hours now, and yet you had been in a bad mood the second the two of you arrived.

The reason to this was clear to Soobin. Yeonjun was always surrounded by people during parties, but during this particular party, he seemed to be in deep conversation with Chou Tzuyu. Not that you had anything against Tzuyu herself – she was sweet, beautiful and kind. The problem was that she was being sweet, beautiful and kind right in front of your crush of two years.

“I don’t know,” Soobin said slowly, trying to distract himself from your puppy-eyes by searching the crowd for a familiar face. He knew that Beomgyu had to be around somewhere, and his presence would be the perfect opportunity to get out of this conversation.

“But you’re my secret weapon,” you told Soobin, grasping his hands in yours. Soobin jumped slightly at the sudden contact, feeling his breath catch in his throat as you gently laced your fingers together. Swallowing deeply, Soobin had no choice but to slowly trail his eyes back to yours. “Nobody knows me as well as you, and nobody knows Yeonjun as well as you!” You concluded, feeling happy with the connection you made.

“And?” Soobin said in a cracked voice, trying to keep his heart rate down enough to focus on your conversation.

“You can find out what kind of girls he likes,” you explained to him. “And you already know what kind of guys I like.”

“Yeah, guys named Yeonjun,” Soobin muttered under his breath.

“You do know,” you teased him, grinning at Soobin’s sarcastic addition. “C’mon Soobinie, I’m not going to ask anything super personal that he wouldn’t want me to know. Just what kind of girls he likes, how he likes his girls to dress and things like that…” you elaborated, trailing off as your gaze shifted to where Yeonjun and Tzuyu were moving closer.

Noticing your distraction, Soobin followed your eye line and saw that Yeonjun was simply leaning closer to Tzuyu to hear what she was saying, but he could see how you would think that the two of them were getting closer in the romantic sense. Seeing the downtrodden expression on your face, Soobin frowned. The last thing he wanted was for you to be upset or to feel as though you weren’t good enough to go after your crush.

“I don’t want you to change, though,” Soobin said quietly, causing you to glance back at him. “I like you the way you are.”

You felt yourself unable to stop a smile from appearing on your lips. You were certainly lucky; Soobin was the best friend in the entire world and you knew it. “You’re an angel, Choi Soobin,” you complimented, which made Soobin look at the floor shyly, dimples appearing on his cheeks. “And I don’t want to change my whole personality or anything. Just to make a few adjustments that would take me from friend-material to girlfriend-material,” you stated. “But if it makes you uncomfortable to ask, I won’t make you.”

Great. Soobin wanted to say. Because this makes me really uncomfortable. Not because I’m awkward around Yeonjun but because I’m deeply in love with you, and the thought of helping you and Yeonjun get together breaks my heart.

“Of course I’ll help you,” Soobin said instead. Stupid. You’re stupid, he thought. As your eyes lit up with excitement, however, Soobin couldn’t find it in himself to take back his words. You were always beautiful to him, but when you smiled at him like he was the solution to all of your problems, Soobin thought you looked utterly ethereal. “If I can help you then I will.”

“Soobinie!” You cheered, wrapping your arms around your best friend in a hug. “You are the best friend any girl could ever ask for and I love you,” you told him, standing on your toes in order to reach his cheek – which was significantly higher up than yours – and press a soft kiss to it. “You’re my favourite,” you added with a wink, feeling a swell of pride and love for your friend.

“Oh, am I?” Soobin teased, rolling his eyes. “I thought Yeonjun was your favourite,” he stated, raising an eyebrow in a challenging manner.

You grinned back at him. “You’re always going to be my favourite, Soobinie,” you retorted. “No matter what.”

Soobin was surprised by this answer, and felt that he had nothing to say. So instead, he gave you a dimpled smile and held out his hand for you to take. “Let’s go dance,” he suggested. You accepted, allowing his much taller frame to push through the crowd and get towards the living room area that doubled as the allocated dance floor.

“Hey!” you called suddenly. “Why didn’t you tell me I’m your favourite?!”

Three days later, dance practice had ended later than usual, mostly because Soobin and Yeonjun stayed back late to practice together. Yeonjun could tell something was messing with Soobin’s head to the point where his dancing was impacted, so he decided to help Soobin out a little bit and make sure that he got the new choreography so he wouldn’t be scolded by the teacher.

“What’s up with you?” Yeonjun asked in between gulps of water, leaning back against the mirrored wall to observe his younger friend. His expression was less lively than usual; Soobin never believed Yeonjun when he told him that he had that sort of shy, charming, boy-next-door type of personality that made people like him. Today, Soobin was completely devoid of his usual charm and enthusiasm.

Soobin slumped in his place on the floor, running a hand through his slightly damp hair with a sigh. “It’s nothing,” Soobin lied. In reality, the girl I’m in love with likes you and I agreed to help her, didn’t seem like an appropriate answer to such a casual question. “I just have a lot going on,” he made an excuse.

“I told you that double majoring was going to be hard,” Yeonjun teased, but his concern didn’t waver at Soobin’s excuse. “Can I help with anything?” he offered.

“I’m good, thanks,” Soobin waved it off, closing his eyes for a moment to gather his courage. “Hey hyung?” Yeonjun perked up, glancing over at Soobin in order to give him his attention. “What kind of girls do you like?” he inquired, trying to sound as curious as possible.

Yeonjun rose an eyebrow at the question. It seemed pretty random, but Yeonjun considered that Soobin might be having girl problems and made his way over to sit next to his friend. “Well,” he began, thinking it over. “I don’t know. I guess I like girls who are confident? About themselves, I mean. If they know what they want and go after that, I think that’s attractive,” Yeonjun said. “Why do you ask?”

Soobin’s eyes widened. It was a question he was expecting, but he had yet to come up with an answer. “Oh, ah-“ he paused. “Just curious, I guess.”

Yeonjun frowned. “Are you having girl troubles or something?” he wondered.

“Not really,” Soobin denied. “I’m just- I’m trying to figure out what kinds of girls are out there. What I should be looking for, what kind of looks I like…” he trailed off awkwardly.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Yeonjun said. “Be honest, do you need sex advice?”

Soobin turned bright red, surprised that this was the conclusion that Yeonjun had come to. Oh Lord help me. “What!” he exclaimed, eyes wide and brain going into overdrive. “No! No, no I do not need- that kind of advice!” Soobin declared loudly, causing Yeonjun to burst into laughter as Soobin sat there, enveloped in his own embarrassment.

“Just checking,” Yeonjun said cheekily, giving Soobin a smile. “You were asking about looks?” Soobin nodded shyly, cheeks still flaming and unable to speak. “I guess I like girls who dress kind of girly and feminine?” he said, sounding like it was a question. “Not that I should dictate how anyone dresses, I just think that it’s really pretty.”

“Right,” Soobin nodded.

“What about you?” Yeonjun asked.

Soobin paused for a moment. “I guess I prefer a more casual style,” he said, thinking of the way you dressed. “Nothing too fancy or feminine or whatever, just something that’s comfortable and simple.”

“Like Y/n’s style?” Yeonjun suggested innocently, unaware of how perfectly on-the-nose he was with his diagnosis.

“Uh, kind of,” Soobin tried to play it off. “I don’t know. I don’t really pay that much attention to what she wears,” he lied easily. He had been hiding his crush on you for so long that it was easy.

A knock sounded on the practice room door – perfectly on time, in Soobin’s opinion – and the door opened shortly after to reveal you standing there with a takeout bag and a sweet smile. You were dressed in light-wash blue jeans, a long-sleeved black crop top, and a pair of white Adidas sneakers to top off the casual look. “Am I interrupting?” you asked innocently, holding out the takeout bag as bait.

“Not at all,” Soobin said before Yeonjun could utter a word, standing up to greet you with a nervous smile. “I didn’t know you were coming by,” he added, feeling his heart beat climbing as you gave him a wink.

“Well I remembered Yeonjun saying that he was craving chicken recently, and I figured my two favourite boys would be together anyway so…” you trailed off happily, not realising you were breaking Soobin’s heart as you mentioned that you had two favourite boys.

“You’re a saint,” Yeonjun sighed happily, pushing aside the takeout bag in favour of pulling you into a hug. You shrieked, yelling about how he was sweaty and gross as you tried half-heartedly to get away from him. Soobin watched as Yeonjun began chasing you around the practice room as the two of you giggled together, unaware of Soobin’s dropping mood.

“Just eat!” You eventually said, giving up and falling to the floor next to where Soobin had made himself comfortable. “Hey,” you added to your best friend. “You doing okay?” you asked, helping him unpack the food and and nudging him gently with your elbow.

Soobin nodded, slapping a smile on his face and wordlessly handing you the fries that you had ordered with the chicken, knowing that you didn’t actually eat chicken and had just bought it for your friends. “I thought you had an essay due?” he asked instead.

You sighed, rolling your eyes. “That stupid essay took me forever and I knew it would, so I stayed up late last night to finish it in favour of sleeping in until the afternoon today,” you announced.

“That’s going to mess up your sleep schedule,” Yeonjun said through a mouth full of chicken, having joined you and Soobin on the floor moments ago. You stuck your tongue out at him in retaliation, causing Yeonjun to giggle.

“Hey,” you whispered to Soobin as Yeonjun got distracted by something on his phone. “Did you get anything?” you asked hopefully, eyes shining.

“Sort of,” Soobin whispered back. “Just what kind of style he likes on a girl? And a really awkward conversation about- I don’t even want to tell you,” he shivered, making you raise an eyebrow in confusion.

“Okay,” you said, shrugging off the fact that Soobin had something he didn’t want to share with you. Usually, the two of you shared everything, so this was new. “Thanks so much, Soobinnie,” you changed the subject. “I’m sorry it made things awkward, I didn’t mean for it to.”

“I was the one that was awkward,” Soobin corrected quickly, realising you hadn’t been the cause of Yeonjun thinking he needed sex advice. “It wasn’t the conversation, so don’t worry about it,” he assured you.

You beamed. “What would I do without you?” you asked dramatically, biting into your fries before attempting to get Yeonjun’s attention away from his phone.

Soobin huffed quietly, watching as you and Yeonjun began playfully bantering as you got into a footsie fight from your positions on the floor.

“You said feminine, right?” You asked unsurely, biting your lip as you observed yourself in the mirror. You were on the phone with Soobin, making sure that he recapped everything that he and Yeonjun talked about during dance practice.

“Right,” Soobin’s voice rang through your phone. “And remember to act confident! He says that he likes girls who go after what they want,” he added.

“Okay,” you nodded, even though Soobin wouldn’t be able to see it. “I’m just not sure this outfit suits me. I want to wear something that he’ll like but I don’t want to look like an idiot.”

“Nothing you wear could ever make you look like an idiot,” Soobin assured you. “I’m sure it looks great!”

“I guess we’ll see,” you sighed. “Hey Soobinie, you’re pretty good at this whole wing-man thing. After Yeonjun and I get together, we should go on a double date!” You realised excitedly.

Soobin chuckled. “No thanks, I’m good,” he said, waving the idea off immediately.

“Aw,” you pouted. “Why? That sounds like fun! You’ve never wanted to date anyone ever since I’ve met you.”

“So what?”

“I met you in preschool,” you reminded your best friend. “You’ve never even had a girlfriend or a crush!”

“Yes I have,” Soobin argued with you.

“Oh really? Name one.”

That stumped him. “I’m just not really looking for anything like that,” Soobin said instead of admitting his feelings for you.

“Maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet,” you decided, going to your wardrobe to look for the perfect pair of shoes to match your outfit. “I’m sure that I could set you up with someone who you’ll really like! Someone sweet who loves music, and bread, and adorable boys with sweet smiles and dimples,” you said firmly.

“Ah, you’re really over-selling me there,” Soobin said modestly.

“Are you kidding me?” You exclaimed. “Soobin, you’re gorgeous. Like, gorgeous. A 6’1” prince charming with a beautiful voice, gorgeous. And you’re really funny in a cheesy way and you’re an amazing friend. Anyone would be lucky to have you, you hear?” You told your best friend, trying to see him in the way that you and everyone else around him saw him.

“Well when you say it like that, how can I disagree?” Soobin asked, smiling with reddening cheeks as he lay onto his bed, covering his face with his pillow to muffle his squeals.

“Great!” you sighed happily. “Okay, I’m almost ready. Meet you in the library in fifteen?” you asked.

Soobin said his affirmative and the two of you hung up the phone as you began to put on the lace-up espadrille wedges that went with your outfit. In order to achieve the more feminine look that Yeonjun liked, you had decided to dress up a little for your study group with Yeonjun, Soobin, and Beomgyu. You wore a sleeveless, white dress with a lilac floral print and threw a purple cardigan over it to cover against the cold library air-conditioning, and left your hair down in order to achieve a more feminine aesthetic. They were all things that you already had in your wardrobe, so you didn’t feel like you were necessarily changing your style too much. Rather, you were picking parts of your style that you knew would appeal to Yeonjun and wearing them more often.

After packing your charging laptop into your book bag, you made your way out of your dorm and walked to the campus library where you would be meeting Yeonjun, Soobin and Beomgyu. Usually, the four of you occupied one of the private rooms in the library so you could be as loud as you wanted while still staying productive.

When you arrived, the three boys were already waiting for you in the room you usually used; they all glanced at you when the door opened and found it difficult to look away.

“Y/n,” Yeonjun said as you took your usual seat next to Soobin and opposite Yeonjun. “You look beautiful,” he complimented, eyes scanning your outfit before meeting your eyes and smiling.

“You do,” Beomgyu agreed from his place next to Yeonjun. “It’s kind of different, though,” he observed, tilting his head and looking at you with knowing eyes.

“Just trying a new combination of clothes I already own,” you shrug off the attention. “And thanks, Yeonjunie,” you add sweetly, giving the boy your full attention as you share a look.

Seeing Soobin’s expression, Beomgyu cleared his throat. “Okay,” he said, clapping his hands together once. “Confidence Intervals: the hell is that about,” Beomgyu asked, referring to the Statistics class that you all shared and what your semester project was about.

You grinned. “It’s a bunch of busy work,” you sighed, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“We better get started if we still want to go to that party tonight,” Beomgyu suggests.

“Are you going, Y/n?” Yeonjun asks, seemingly unable to take his eyes off of you today.

You smiled at the interest he was taking in your whereabouts for the evening, nodding as you motioned over to Soobin. “We’re both going to be there.”

“Great,” Yeonjun breathed out, a wonderful smile gracing his features and lighting up his eyes.

“Great,” you agreed, nodding and returning the smile at the same capacity.

“Great,” Soobin sighed, gently tossing his pencil on the table in front of him and frowning.

“Oh boy,” Beomgyu mumbled, opening the page he needed in his Statistics textbook.

“What about this one?” you ask Soobin, modelling a rose gold slip mini-dress for your best friend and giving him a twirl. “The silky material is really comfy, and I really don’t feel like trying another dress on,” you added for emphasis, sliding on a pair of black ankle boots on to match.

“You look great,” Soobin said. He was lying on his back on your bed, head hanging off the end so he was looking at you upside-down. “You looked great in every single dress you tried on, Y/n. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Then we’ll go with this,” you shrugged, no longer interested in looking perfect and more conscious of arriving on time to the party. You started applying a dark red lipstick to your lips before carefully blotting the colour and making it more natural and subtle.

“I hardly think you can say we considering all I did was lay here and let all the blood rush to my head,” Soobin mumbled to himself, getting up and straightening out his clothes.

You glanced at your best friend, scrutinising his outfit and beaming. “You look so handsome,” you complimented. The unexpected comment made Soobin flush red and scoff, waving his hands as if to tell you to stop. “You do!” you insisted. “We’re finding you a honey, tonight,” you told him happily. “You look hot!”

“Let’s just go,” Soobin protested, grabbing his phone from your sheets and stuffing it into the pocket of his black skinny jeans. “We don’t want to keep Yeonjun waiting.”

“No we do not,” you agreed, grabbing your phone and making your way into the living room space that you and your dorm mate shared. Luckily, your dorm suite had individual rooms for everyone and a shared living room and bathroom. This meant that you and Soobin could have as many sleepovers as you wanted without bothering anyone else. Smiling at your suite-mate Sihyeon, who was sat on the couch frantically typing on her laptop. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with?” You offered.

“I’m a STEM major,” Sihyeon said instead of answering your question. “We don’t write essays. I’m going to be here all night finishing this,” she sighed, glancing up from the screen and smiling at you. “You guys have fun, okay? Don’t worry about me,” Sihyeon assured you. You went over to give her a one-armed hug before making your way to the party with Soobin.

“She seemed stressed,” Soobin mused, causing you to laugh.

“That poor girl is cool as a cucumber unless she has to write an essay,” you explained as you walked through campus. Suddenly, you gasped and stopped, causing Soobin to bump into you. “I should set you up with Sihyeon!” you exclaimed.

Soobin’s eyes widened. “No,” he said as you spun around to face him excitedly, walking backwards to keep up with him as he tried to get away from you.

“Why not?” you whined. “She’s super smart and she’s like, model pretty for sure! Besides, she’s a senior and I always felt like you’d like more mature girls,” you thought aloud.

“I’m not interested in your suite-mate,” Soobin declined your offer.

“Fine, fine,” you gave in, pouting before turning around and walking the right way, nudging Soobin every once in a while to tease him.

When you arrived at the party, you immediately started searching for Yeonjun. This wasn’t anything unusual, and yet it still made Soobin feel more uneasy than usual. Your eyes lit up when you saw the familiar blue-haired boy mixing drinks with Wooyoung and Yeosang. “Yeonjun!” You called, pulling on Soobin’s shirt sleeve so you wouldn’t lose him in the crowd.

“Y/n!” Yeonjun said, sounding happy to see you.

“Holy- gorgeous,” Wooyoung told you, causing you to laugh and cover your face shyly.

“You exaggerate,” you told him, cheeks burning.

“He does not,” Yeonjun denies. “You look amazing, Y/n. You always do, of course,” he added, just in case you thought he was giving you a back-handed insult.

“Thank you guys,” you said, feeling bashful at the sudden attention. “I have to give credit to Soobin, he helped me pick it out,” you added, causing the boys to greet Soobin happily.

“Hardly,” Soobin denied, accepting the drink from Yeosang and cringing after taking a sip. “Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the camel!” he exclaimed. “How much liquor is in this?” he asked, pointing down at his cup.

Yeosang made an apologetic face. “Sorry, I can make you something lighter?” he offered.

Soobin caught sight of you leaning forward to hear Yeonjun better, placing a hand on his shoulder and placing your face impossibly close to Yeonjun’s. “It’s okay,” Soobin thought better of it, downing the cup in seconds. He made a face afterwards, trying to ignore the burning sensation that now filled his stomach and smiling at Yeosang. “I’ll take another.”

Yeosang was all too happy to comply, making Soobin another drink until he was more than a little tipsy. “I’m going to find Beomgyu,” Soobin slurred slightly as he informed you, causing you to nod and giggle as he walked away.

“For someone so tall, he gets pretty uncoordinated when he’s tipsy,” you commented, causing Yeonjun to laugh and agree.

“I can’t really hear you well,” he admitted to you. “Let’s go somewhere a bit quieter,” Yeonjun offered, taking your hand and leading you out of the kitchen and towards a corner of the living room, where people had taken to playing games instead of dancing and it was easier to have a conversation.

Soobin found Beomgyu playing a game of Truth or Dare with some familiar people – he felt a little nervous playing with little devils like Beomgyu, Taehyun and Hueningkai but he decided to join anyway – and more unfamiliar people.

“Newcomers take shots,” Beomgyu told Soobin, passing him two shot glasses. Soobin sighed, downing the shots despite knowing that he would regret it the next day. “Excellent,” he said happily. “Kai, truth or dare?”

The game was more of a way for Soobin to pass time than it was for actual entertainment, so when it was Soobin’s turn, he jumped in surprise. “Truth or dare?” He recognised the speaker as Mina, a friend of your suite-mate Sihyeon’s.

“He’ll take a dare,” Beomgyu said for Soobin. “He really needs to let loose a little.”

“Okay,” Mina smiled, glancing around the room before landing on the corner and grinning. Soobin followed her gaze and felt his heart drop at the sight. You were leaning against the wall with Yeonjun standing in front of you. The two of you were in deep conversation, and Yeonjun had placed his hand on the wall beside your face to get even closer, if that was possible. “I dare you to kiss your crush,” Mina said, causing the group to make teasing sounds.

Soobin wasn’t sure if it was jealousy or the liquor that made him do this (he would decide the next day that it was a combination of both, and a moment of utter insanity), but he got up from his seat and stumbled over to you and Yeonjun.

When he neared, you met eyes and opened your mouth – most likely to greet him – but before you could say anything, Soobin leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. You gasped into the kiss, surprised, before pulling away. “Soobin!” you exclaimed startled by his actions. “Why did you do that?”

Soobin only grinned goofily at you before giggling. “I-“ he cut himself off by bending over and throwing up on the floor, only centimetres away from your shoes. You cringed. Partially because you knew that he was far too drunk to remember any of this the next day, and partially because you could see Beomgyu filming everything from his seat on the sofa.

“Oh, Soo,” you cooed, pushing your hair behind your shoulder and gently rubbing Soobin’s back. “It’s okay, Binnie, just get it out,” you said, trying as best as you could to stabilise him when he finally stood upright again.

“Is he okay?” Yeonjun asked, wide-eyed and bewildered by the many things that had happened in such few seconds.

“He will be,” you reassured him. “I should probably get him back to his dorm, though.”

“Do you need any help?” Yeonjun offered. Knowing that Soobin was too tall for you to carry, you accepted his help. Soon, the both of you were doing your best to distribute Soobin’s weight and carry the boy back to his dorm. After tucking Soobin into bed and making sure that he was safe, Yeonjun offered to walk you back to your dorm since it was late.

“Drunk Soobin really is a lot crazier than I thought he would be,” Yeonjun mention, causing you to giggle.

“Yeah, he gets pretty wild,” you admitted. “Thanks for walking me,” you acknowledged once you reached your suite.

Yeonjun looked shy all of a sudden, rubbing the back of his neck and glancing at his shoes. “Yeah, of course,” he said, finding the confidence to look back at you.

Confidence, you reminded yourself. He likes girls who are confident and go after what they want.

“Would you want to go out some time?”

“Do you want to go on a date?”

The two of you asked at the same time. Upon realising this, you both let out nervous chuckles. “How about a movie and dinner?” Yeonjun suggested.

You could hardly hold in your excitement. “That sounds perfect.”

It had been days since you had seen Soobin. You had texted him multiple times to see if he was okay but had yet to receive a response. At the one week mark, you knew something was really wrong when you went to your weekly study group with Yeonjun, Soobin and Beomgyu, only to find that Soobin was absent.

“Is Soobin not coming?” you had asked, taking a seat next to Yeonjun instead, since Soobin’s seat was vacant.

He looked surprised at your question. “I thought you would know,” he replied. “I haven’t seen him all week.”

You sighed. “You should go see him,” Beomgyu spoke up, looking at you with a look you couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“I’ll visit him after we study,” you agreed, worried about Soobin. You hoped that his drunk encounter with you at the party wasn’t the reason that he was being distant.

After you wrapped up your study session and were packing up your book bag, Yeonjun grabbed your attention. “Is tomorrow night good for our date?” he asked.

Beomgyu stopped what he was doing to stare at you and Yeonjun in shock.

You quickly thought of your schedule and any assignments you had due. “Tomorrow night should work,” you smiled. “Just don’t pick a trash movie,” you warned him.

“Are you kidding?” Yeonjun asked. “We’re definitely going to watch Little Women. I’ve been dying to see it and you read the books as a kid, right?”

You were touched that Yeonjun both wanted to see the film and had remembered a small detail about your childhood that you mentioned once in passing. “Yeah,” you said, your heart swelling. “Yeah, I did.”

“Perfect,” Yeonjun smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then!”

You said your goodbyes to Yeonjun and Beomgyu and made your way to Soobin’s dorm for the first time in a week. After knocking at his door, Soobin tiredly opened the door to you. “Hey Soobinie,” you greeted before noticing his tired demeanour. “Were you sleeping? I’m so sorry,” you apologised, feeling bad that you had ruined his rest time.

“I wasn’t sleeping,” Soobin denied, opening the door wider for you to come in. “I haven’t been sleeping,” he corrected with a sigh.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” you asked him, taking a seat on his bed next to him. “If this is about the kiss then it’s fine.”

Soobin glanced up, narrowing his eyes slightly. “What’s fine?”

“Well, you were drunk,” you reminded him with furrowed brows. “People do crazy things when they’re drunk.”

Soobin closed his eyes and took a deep breath, not wanting to say anything rash or upset at your words. “I didn’t just do something crazy,” he said in a hushed voice. Somehow, the quiet tone started making you nervous. “I’m going crazy,” Soobin breathed out, resting his elbows on his legs and running his hands roughly through his hair.

“Hey,” you scooted closer, putting your hand on his back. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is that I’m going crazy,” Soobin repeated, throwing his hands down. “I feel like I can never be honest with you!” he added, voice increasing in volume and frustration.

Ouch, you thought. Well, that hurt. You cleared your throat. “What do you mean?” you felt confused. “Have you been lying to me about something?”

Soobin laughed, though it was void of any humour or joy. “Yeah, I’ve been lying to you,” he sighed. “I can’t share my real thoughts or feelings with you. Not about this.”

“I don’t understand,” you confessed. “What can’t you share with me? I’m always honest and open with you because I trust you and I love you. Do you not trust me?”

“No,” Soobin denied. “It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything like that. I just- I can’t talk about this. And the more I can’t talk about it, the more it hurts and I hate this feeling.”

“Then why don’t you just tell me?” you suggested. “Maybe if you share it with me then-“

“I can’t,” Soobin almost wailed, sounding like the was on the brink of crying. “I can’t tell you this because it’s going to ruin our friendship and you’re going to hate me.”

Your heart dropped into your stomach. “Soobin, you’re scaring me,” you confessed. “What’s going on?”

“I think you should go,” Soobin replied instead of answering your question. “I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to say anything that I don’t mean.”

“Soo-“

“Please.” the desperation in your best friend’s voice was enough for you to sit beside him for a few more moments before reluctantly getting up and leaving him be.

You were less excited for your date with Yeonjun than you expected to be. After two years of crushing on the boy, you figured you would at least feel butterflies or some kind of excited nerves while you were getting ready. Instead, all you could focus on was Soobin and how you felt like you had done something to hurt him. What did it mean, feeling like you couldn’t be honest with your best friend?

“You look beautiful,” Yeonjun complimented when the two of you met at the cinema for your film. You were dressed in a pretty blouse with jeans and heeled boots for the occasion, but even the cheerful pattern on your shirt didn’t make you feel better.

You smiled. “Thank you. You look great, too,” you replied, accepting the popcorn from Yeonjun before making your way to the theatre that was showing Little Women. Yeonjun was adorably excited about the film, raging about how Greta Gerwig was absolutely snubbed at the Oscars and how amazing Saoirse Ronan really was the perfect Jo March.

It was rather odd. On any other occasion, you could have written an entire essay on how beautiful Yeonjun looked in his outfit and how the fact that he was slightly shyer than usual around you was perhaps the cutest thing that you had ever experienced. But instead, your head was filled with thoughts of Soobin. Soobin sounding like he was about to cry because he couldn’t share his feelings with you. Soobin burying his face in his hands out of frustration with you or about you, you couldn’t remember.

The film was great.

Or, at least, you assumed it was great. There were few scenes of the film you could really remember, even after the credits rolled and you and Yeonjun made your way to his car to go to the restaurant you both picked for dinner.

When you arrived, you managed to banter with Yeonjun as usual while waiting to be seated and then waiting for your food. All the waiting was making you anxious and only further reminded you of how you were waiting for a text from Soobin.

Yeonjun had enough of being too shy to ask you if everything was alright. “Are you doing okay?” he asked you as you stared blankly at your pasta.

“Hm?” you hummed, blinking before realising that your food had arrived and Yeonjun had asked you a question. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if you were okay,” Yeonjun repeated, brows furrowing together in concern. “But it seems pretty clear that you’re not,” he added.

You smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled. “I guess I’m just in a weird headspace. I’m sorry for making this date really boring and weird.”

“It’s not boring and weird,” Yeonjun contradicted your statement. “What’s wrong?”

You sighed, picking up your fork. “What does it mean when your best friend tells you that they feel like they can’t be honest with you?” you inquired. “And that if they reveal the truth to you, they think it will ruin your friendship?”

Yeonjun was startled. “This is about Soobin,” he mused quietly. “I guess it means exactly that. He’s keeping something from you because he doesn’t want to lose you.”

“But I’m losing him,” you retorted. “He’s distancing himself from me. So either scenario means that he and I aren’t the same anymore,” you sighed, eating some of your pasta and chewing on it slowly. “If that’s the case, isn’t it just best that he tell me?”

“I can’t answer that, I don’t know what he’s keeping from you,” Yeonjun reminded you.

“I just feel like a failure of a friend,” you disclose your feelings. “The one thing you should be able to do as a friend is be honest and share your feelings. I can’t even make my best friend feel comfortable doing that.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Yeonjun acknowledged her feelings. “If it helps, I don’t feel that way about you.”

You smiled. “Thanks, Yeonjunie,” you paused, thinking of his words, and the most ironic thought popped into your mind. “On the basis of being honest, then… Is it just me or does this not feel like a date?”

Yeonjun gave a small giggle. “You’re right,” he agreed. “I think you’re beautiful, and smart, and funny. But maybe we’re better off just being friends,” he admitted to you.

“I was thinking the same thing,” you said, surprised at how truthful the words really were. “Huh… I spent two years of my life having a crush on you but as it turns out, we’re better off as friends.”

“You couldn’t have liked me for two years,” Yeonjun exclaimed in surprise. “No way!”

“It’s true!” you insisted, joining in on Yeonjun’s laughter. “Maybe it was just a small crush but it was there.”

“Well, I had a crush on you too,” Yeonjun smiled prettily. “But I’m actually okay with this whole being friends thing.”

You smiled back at him, pleased that the date had gone in this direction. “I completely agree.”

With this in mind, the rest of your date turned into a friendly hangout, which both took the pressure off of the both of you and made for a much more fun evening.

[10:48pm]

y/n: hey soobinie

y/n: i’m sorry

y/n: i’m sorry for whatever i did to make you feel like you can’t be honest with me

y/n: i don’t ever want to fight with you

y/n: let’s just talk it out and solve this

y/n: please?

seen by soobin at 10:52pm

soobin is offline (10:55pm)

You always knew how much you loved and needed Soobin in your life.

From the very first time that you were in preschool and one of the boys had stolen your packed lunch, all you could do on your own as a significantly smaller human being was sit there and cry. Until Soobin came. He was your knight in shining Converse, telling the boys that stealing was wrong and mean and demanding that they give your lunch back to you. From that day onwards, you had a lunch buddy, a protector, and – most importantly – a best friend to always support you.

And you supported him too. Throughout middle and high school you went to every one of his performances and cheered him on until you lost your voice. Soobin would go onto stage, a nervous bundle of adrenaline and hormones, but the moment he saw your face in the crowd he would feel completely at ease. You helped him with his english homework while he helped you with math, and you always came to each other when you felt sad.

Being without Soobin felt like you were missing part of your personality; jokes passed without being laughed at, study sessions were far quieter and more lonely, and you walked back to your dorm at the end of class alone.

Sitting in your room in the library with Yeonjun and Beomgyu still went on, but it didn’t feel nearly as fun or productive with the empty chair next to you.

Hearing how your date with Yeonjun went, Beomgyu was reluctant to keep coming the study sessions. When he realised that you and Yeonjun remained good friends on amicable terms, however, he was persuaded to continue joining you. That and the fact that he was completely lost on Statistics without you guys.

“Do either of you have the answer book?” Beomgyu had asked during one study session. You and Yeonjun had been defacing university property by doodling all over the tables in pencil while Beomgyu stressed about his Statistics grade. Noticing how inattentive you two were being, Beomgyu looked up from his textbook and made a face of disapproval. “Seriously?” he asked rhetorically. “Can one of you make yourself useful and get the answer book from the Stats section?”

You and Yeonjun glanced at each other and Yeonjun – being just a moment faster than you, and a whole lot smarter – placed his finger on his nose and declared loudly: “Not it!”

You whined, feeling cheated by the situation. Still, you put your pencil down and got up to look for the book Beomgyu needed in the library. Sifting through the Statistics section, you pulled out a few books from the same company as your Statistics textbook and read the titles to see if any of them matched the answer book you were searching for.

A familiar giggle pulled your attention away from reading book titles.

You knew that giggle anywhere.

You ducked slightly in order to look through the shelf closest to your eye-line and saw Soobin at one of the tables in the library, talking to Mina and Sihyeon and laughing. Your suite-mate and her best friend were seated by the tables in the middle the library while Soobin stood next to them, backpack slung casually over his shoulder.

Something in your chest ached at the sight of your best friend whom you hadn’t seen in almost a month now. It was obvious to you that you would miss him, but this feeling was different. This feeling was fierce and unexpected and burned deep in your belly, causing your eyes to narrow and your jaw to clench.

The green monster. Envy. Possessiveness. Jealousy.

You were jealous of your suite-mate for talking to Soobin. But really, did you have any excuse to be jealous? It was was your idea to set the two up when you were swept up in Yeonjun-land and only had eyes for your blue-haired friend. And Sihyeon was amazing, you would be first in line at the Sihyeon fan club meeting, declaring your love for your suite-mate and her funny and nurturing personality. In fact, she was probably perfect for Soobin.

But the jealousy went deeper than just seeing Sihyeon and Mina interact with Soobin. You were jealous at the idea of Soobin and Sihyeon flirting. You didn’t want Soobin to be flirting with anyone, nonetheless someone you loved and admired.

“You okay?” you jumped at the sound of Yeonjun’s voice right next to you. “Geez, Y/n, why are you so jumpy?” he asked, far louder than you would have liked.

At the sound of your name, Soobin turned in your direction and the two of you made eye contact through the gaps above the books in the bookshelf. Quickly, you turned around to face Yeonjun and avoid Soobin. “I found the book,” you declared, grabbing it and placing all the other books back. “Let’s go,” you said, pushing Yeonjun in the direction of your private room and pushing your feelings for Soobin even further down into yourself.

To prove to yourself that you were okay with Sihyeon and Soobin dating, you decided to invite Sihyeon to the party that you were going to that evening with Yeonjun and Beomgyu. “It’ll be fun!” you convinced her happily as you curled your hair and picked out an outfit. You decided on a pretty lace bralette top and a pair of black jeans in order to be comfortable but still cute and even helped Sihyeon pick out a pretty dress.

I guess Soobin likes more feminine styles like Yeonjun, you thought to yourself as you admired how beautiful Sihyeon looked in the body-hugging, off-the-shoulder dress that she was absolutely rocking. And she’s far more confident than me, so I guess he’ll be into that too.

You tried to act like you were proud of yourself for being a neutral party in the whole ordeal, but in reality it felt like your world was falling apart. Everything that you thought was a universal truth – liking Yeonjun, being best friends with Soobin – was no longer true. And everything that seemed like a good idea before – dating Yeonjun, setting Soobin up with Sihyeon – were now a nightmare waiting to happen.

“You look really pretty, Y/n,” Sihyeon complimented.

“Not half as pretty as you,” you replied, meaning every word of it. “C’mon, let's get going."

The two of you linked arms and made your way to the party. In order to get through this party, you would need to do it the way that Soobin did last time; hopefully minus the sudden vomiting. You knew that Mingi and Yeosang made the strongest drinks in the ATZ fraternity, so you and Sihyeon made a beeline for the kitchen the moment you arrived at the house.

“Mingi!” you said happily when you spotted him. “I need a drink as strong as you can make it,” you asked him, giving him a pout and puppy eyes to convince him.

“You're kidding,” Mingi said in a monotonous voice. “I can’t give you that, you’ll pass out straight away.”

He probably had a point. “Then as strong as you can make it without me passing out,” you corrected yourself. Mingi saluted you playfully and got to work on your drink as Sihyeon accepted a much milder drink from San. “Have you guys seen Yeonjun?” you inquired.

“Are you guys still heart-eyed for each other?” San replied, making fun of you by imitating what you assumed was the way you used to look at Yeonjun when you were infatuated with him.

“No,” you sighed. “Didn’t you hear? We went on a date and it was weird as hell so we’re just staying friends,” you explained.

Yeosang nodded. “Good, I always liked you with Soobin,” he mused, making you glance at him with wide eyes.

“What?” you asked, bewildered.

“Me too!” Sihyeon raised her hand enthusiastically, nodding along with Wooyoung, San, Mingi and Hongjoong. “Mina and I always thought you guys would be really cute together.”

“Yup,” Mina agreed, appearing in the kitchen and giving Sihyeon a hug. “That what lesbians talk about when their straight roommates aren’t around,” she joked, causing everyone around to laugh.

Oh my god Y/n you’re a god damn idiot for trying to set your best friend up with a lesbian who already has a girlfriend, you thought to yourself, resisting a face palm.

“Your drink, madame,” Mingi said, passing you a drink. You took it wordlessly and immediately chugged it, feeling like the evening had already been eventful enough to warrant an excessive amount of drinking.

“I’d love a refill,” you announced, handing the cup back to Mingi. He and San cackled at your behaviour but did as you asked.

“You’re a messy drunk, Y/n,” you heard Beomgyu’s voice remind you. He was staring at you with a disapproving look on his handsome face. “Don’t be messy, I beg you.”

“Hello to you too,” you teased with an eye roll. “Yeonjun around?”

“He’s talking to Soobin,” he admitted. Your heart jumped at the mention of the boy’s name, and your reaction must have been obvious because Beomgyu grinned. “You’ve finally caught on, have you?”

You sighed. “Has everyone been hardcore shipping Soobin and I since day one?” you asked sarcastically. A loud chorus of affirmatives chimed in the kitchen, prompting you to actually face palm this time. “Great. I love being a blind idiot. Thanks for the heads up, guys.”

“It’s not our fault you’re ridiculously oblivious to your feelings,” Taehyun commented, having appeared with Beomgyu and Hueningkai.

You narrowed your eyes. “You babies are too young to drink.”

“Don’t worry,” Hueningkai raised his hands in defence. “Taehyun and I aren’t drinking, we’re just here for the drama,” he added with a grin.

You observed the younger boy for a moment before shrugging. “Seems fair,” you allowed, chugging the second drink that Mingi had made for you. “Wow,” you said afterwards. “Is it just me or did you say you didn’t want me to pass out?” Mingi gave you an innocent expression, causing you to shrug and decide to join Yeonjun where he was sitting with a larger group of people.

“Hi there,” Yeonjun greeted as you took a seat next to him. “You look nice,” he flattered, giving you a once-over that no longer made your heart leap into your throat.

“Thanks Yeonjunnie, you’re a peach,” you sighed happily, feeling the effects of the drinks Mingi had made you already.

Yeonjun giggled. “You’re tipsy. You only ever call me a peach when you’re tipsy.”

“Y/n!” Changbin, another friend of Yeonjun’s – since the boy was beyond popular – chimed. He seemed just as buzzed as you, but you knew he was already confident enough to stir up some trouble without the liquid courage. “Truth or dare?”

“This again,” you sighed. “Dude, I don’t know. What are the options again?” your brain was beginning to be fuzzier and fuzzier by the minute.

“Dare it is,” Changbin laughed. “I dare you to… kiss the guy you would most like to date in this room,” he declared before facing Yeonjun. “Pucker up Junnie,” he teased, making a kiss face at your mutual friend.

Everyone in the room hollered, seemingly all knowing about the crush that you had on Yeonjun over the course of time you knew one another. Amidst all the chanting and cheering, you glanced around the room to find the only person that was on your mind at the moment.

You found Soobin sitting a few seats past Yeonjun, nursing a small drink with a distinct pout on his lips. Soobin always looked good. You had always told him how handsome he was, but in this moment – perhaps enhanced by how drunk you were, or the fact that you hadn’t seen him so closely in so long, but most probably a combination of the two – Soobin just looked ridiculously, out-of-this-world hot.

You got to your feet, slightly wobbling as the cheers turned into howls and cat-calls as you neared Yeonjun. Their voices hushed when you passed Yeonjun and took a seat in the empty place next to Soobin. The last thing you saw before closing your eyes and pushing your lips against Soobin’s were his wide, surprised eyes staring into yours. Screams sounded around the room as you and Soobin proceeded to kiss, lips moving comfortably against one another as if you were born to kiss each other. Something like fireworks erupted in your body, except faster, louder, and hotter; with a ferocity far stronger than anything you had ever felt with another boy.

It was you who pulled away, forcing some distance between the both you before you couldn’t stop.

“Why me?” Soobin had asked, just loud enough for the others to hear.

“You know me best,” you replied. “You care for me above everyone else and have always been there for me, since the first day we met when I was four years old. You know what I like and you know what I hate and you would do uncomfortable things like help find out what kinds of girls Yeonjun likes just to make me happy,” this revelation made everyone glance at Yeonjun, who held his hands up to show his innocence in the situation. “That’s why you would make an amazing boyfriend.”

Your words seemed to have sobered you up even more than the kiss, and you realised the weight of your actions. “Excuse me,” you muttered, getting to your feet and tossing your empty cup in the trash by the kitchen. Beomgyu stood there, holding an unopened bottle of water out for you with an expression similar to pride painting his face. You accepted it, unscrewing the cap and taking sips of water to sober up even more as you exited through the kitchen and into the back yard of the ATZ frat house for some fresh air.

You didn’t know how much time had passed since you sat outside, but at one point the bottle was empty and you felt almost completely sober again. The weight of your actions crushed your shoulders and the crisp evening wind felt sharp against your bare arms. You shivered, trying to use your hands to rub warmth into your arms until you felt a jacket drape over your shoulders.

Glancing up, you saw Soobin standing next to you, no longer wearing the flannel shirt he was wearing before. You thanked him quietly, slipping your arms into the warm fabric and relishing in the smell. “Are you sober?” Soobin inquired, taking a seat next to you and raising an eyebrow. His eyes were playful, but a hint of concern existed there nonetheless.

“Sure am,” you replied half-heartedly, unsure if you still wanted to be drunk so you could avoid this conversation.

Soobin hummed, nodding to himself. “Did you mean it?” he asked. You almost wanted to play innocent and ask: Mean what? in the most clueless tone but you decided against it.

“I did,” you confirmed. “I do,” you corrected as an afterthought, knowing and feeling that everything you said while you were drunk was still applicable.

Soobin paused for a moment. “I heard that you and Yeonjun went on a date,” he told you. “Beomgyu mentioned it to me the other day.” The fact that Beomgyu and Soobin were in close contact was not something that you knew about, but you were glad that Beomgyu didn’t feel like he had to pick ‘sides’. “Why didn’t you pick him as the person you would most like to date?”

You laughed lightly. “I guess he didn’t tell you much, then,” you mused, mustering up the courage to properly meet Soobin’s eyes. It almost took your breath away how close you were to his gorgeous brown eyes; appearing deeper and darker due to the low lighting in the back yard. “Yeonjun and I… The feelings I had for him were more physical attraction than anything else,” you explained. “The feelings I have for you are… different. More emotional.”

Soobin took a sharp breath of air in. “Does the mean that you aren’t physically attracted to me?” his voice cracked halfway through his sentence, a tell-tale sign of Soobin being nervous.

Amused, you gave Soobin a knowing look. “Did that kiss in there not feel like physical attraction to you?” you wondered, causing Soobin to get shy and blush. “I just meant that Yeonjun and I had very base-level attraction. You and I have history and over a decade of emotion and love for one another. It’s like we punched a hole in the roof and created a completely new level.”

Nodding to himself, Soobin was silent for a moment, thinking of what to say next. “We’re best friends,” he began. Oof, you thought to yourself, here comes the rejection. God, this hurts more than I thought it would. “And you’re right. We have history and friendship and love and I don’t want to ruin that,” Soobin told you.

You nodded as well. “You don’t have to make excuses,” you reminded him. “We’re best friends. And this is the first time we’re both being honest with each other and ourselves about our feelings, so if you don’t like me then you should just say s-“

Soobin cut you off by leaning over and pressing the softest, sweetest kiss to your lips. It was something like a long peck; beautiful, too short, and wonderful in every way imaginable. He pulled away, leaning his forehead against yours. “Don’t you dare think that,” Soobin said. “I’ve been in love with you for eight years. Don’t ever doubt my feelings for you, okay?”

You nodded, agreeing with him before wrapping your arms around his waist in a hug. “Will you be my boyfriend, then?” you asked, feeling cheeky but also really, desperately wanting Soobin to be yours forever.

“I’m not sure,” Soobin joked, hearing your laughter ring in his ears like the happiest song he’d ever listened to.

“Fine then,” you teased back. “I can always ask Yeonjun if he-“

Once again, Soobin cut you off with a kiss, this time allowing himself to take his sweet time with you and making it as long and rough as he wanted. “Don’t you dare,” he stated firmly. “I only just got you. I’m not about to let you go.”

You grinned. “That’s a really nice way of telling me to shut up.”

my first txt fic officially done!! i got very inspired by this request and got kind of carried away and i honestly really love this fic and i hope you guys do too!!

also sorry if you’re not straight lol i’m not trying to be heteronormative (i’m literally bi lol) but i feel like your college roommate’s girlfriend might not know your sexuality?? so she just assumed anyway bye thanks for reading

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reinersbb · 4 years ago

Text

𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐄𝐓 [𝐉𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐊𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐢𝐧 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 / 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐔] Chapter One- Pumpkin Spice

DISCLAIMER: I do not own AOT/SNK or the characters.

WARNING 18+: Heavy Sexual Themes/SMUT, Alcohol Consumption, Drug Usage, Profanity, Violence, and Some Uncomfortable Themes.

Click away now if you’re uncomfortable with anything listed above.

The fresh mid-October air plunged into your lungs after inhaling deeply through your nostrils as soon as you broke through the doors belonging to the lecture hall. Though the temperature outside was brisk, the sun was still shining above brightly. The white blotchy clouds were condensed together almost like puzzle pieces that were yet to fit together.

You were grateful for perfect weather on a day like this, and couldn't help but smile to yourself out of pure bliss. Because in all honesty, being stuck inside of lectures for the majority of the day wasn't ideal, but you sure were paying good money for it.

Pinching at the thin cotton material of your jacket, you pulled the fabric closer against your body when a gust of wind whipped past you. Maybe you should've thrown on a thicker jacket, but it's not like you took the initiative to check the weather for the day ahead when your attention was focused on making it out of your dorm room before being late for your eight am. Stopping at a large water fountain that was positioned perfectly center in the intersection of two walkways, you took a slight step with your left foot to turn and look around at all of the people floating about. Awkwardly searching for a particular face in the crowd as the sound of water gently overlapping played in your ears from the old fountain. Today, you had plans to hang out with your boyfriend, the plan was to meet up with him at this exact location. 'Maybe he's running late...' When another two minutes passed of you keeping an eye out for his familiar face, and there was still no sight of your boyfriend, you pulled out your phone to see if he'd sent you a text of his whereabouts or any piece of information. A clear notification screen surprised you, maybe even worried you just the slightest bit, but you shoved that hollow feeling down deep inside of you to tried to ignore it. 'Okay, maybe I should just text him.' Today 15:04 Where are you?✓ Your message had been sent, all you had to do now was play the very annoying waiting game. 'He wouldn't just ghost you for no reason without an explanation.' You tried reasoning with yourself. Your eyes tore away from your phone screen, deciding it was better to distract yourself with something instead of aimlessly waiting around for who knows how long. With only one glance around the perimeter, you elected that a nearby coffee cart parked further down away would be your means of distraction. What's a better distraction than caffeine? As you closed in on the dark oak wooden coffee cart, you couldn't help but notice a familiar face standing behind the cash register. The young man stood slumped over, a disengaged expression on his face, almost as if he were frowning. You lifted a brow quizically, taking the last few steps of your stride towards the cart. The man with blond hair and prominent sideburns perked up behind the register as you stood adjacent to him, "(L/N), is that you?" "Yeah, hey, Thomas! I didn't know you worked here. It's been a while since we've last spoke, how have you been?" You smiled, reminiscing in the few friendly memories you shared together. Thomas was in your German class at the beginning of the semester until you decided to drop the class and swap your minor out for French instead. There hasn't been much or any conversation between the two of you since then. "I just started two weeks ago, and about that..." the slight smile he'd managed to put on his face when you originally approached the cart faded away momentarily, "not so good actually," his cheeks flushed out of embarrassment and his smile kept wavering. "What happened? Are you okay?" You asked, genuinely concerned about your friends' feelings. "My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday," he admitted with a sigh. "Mina?" You asked and Thomas nodded, "that must suck, weren't you and her together for a while?" You could remember the few mentions of his ex-girlfriend in some of the conversations you had together before. "Since junior year of high school, she was my first girlfriend," his light brown eyes fell to the counter. "It was so... all of a sudden. She didn't even tell me why, but, in all honesty, I think it was for another guy," his fingertips tapped away at the counter anxiously. Hearing Thomas tell you about the recent breakup with his ex made your stomach twist and turn into knots for some unknown reason. There was suddenly a burning temptation to check your phone, but you refrained from doing so. "I'm sorry to hear that, and I wish there was something I could say to make you magically feel better," you shot him a sympathetic smile when he finally lifted his eyes to look up at you. "You know, I kind of feel a little bit better talking to you about it," Thomas admitted with a meek chuckle. "Anyways," he flicked the brim of his visor, "enough about me, is there anything I could get you?" He suggested to the menu of drinks. "Surprise me?" A small grin pulled at his lips, "on it." You couldn't help but notice how Thomas's emotions seemed to have pulled a full one-eighty compared to when you saw him standing idle behind the counter just a few minutes ago. "Here you go, one large pumpkin spice latte from our seasonal menu," Thomas reached over the counter, handing you a rather large paper cup, "careful, (L/N), it's hot." You accepted the latte with slight hesitation, "thanks, how much do I owe you?" You were struggling to reach your wallet inside of your purse when Thomas said, "don't worry about it, the drink is on me." "Are you sure? Because I can-" "Think of it as thanks for talking to me," Thomas showed a genuine smile while plucking a napkin from a dispenser to give to you, "just in case you need one of these." "Fine, but I'm paying for my next drink," you said, but still feeling reluctant to just walk away without paying for the drink. Quickly, you reached into your purse, feeling around for any loose money lying about. After a few seconds, you swiftly inserted a few crumpled bills and loose change into the nearly empty tip jar without even examining the tip amount. Thomas laughed after watching your efforts, "see you around, (L/N)." "Bye! Thanks again, Thomas," you sipped on your hot beverage as you steadily walked away from the coffee cart. When you passed by someone looking down at their phone, it reminded you to check yours to see if there was any response from your significant other. To no avail, there were no new messages on your lock screen, only a single notification that alerted you of a spam email message. You tabbed into your text messages once again because the curiosity gnawed away at your insides. Today 15:02 Where are you?✓✓ Immediately you felt your heart sink through your chest as you noticed that he'd definitely read your message. The same annoying worrisome thoughts intruded your mind once again, and this time it was difficult clearing them from your headspace. Today 15:09 Floch?✓ Unfortunately, the smile you had plastered on your face quickly faded away. You groaned under your breath, casually placing the hot beverage just at your lips, the scent of various warm spices tickled your nose as you precariously watched the chat bubbles appear then disappear, and reappear once again. The hot liquid almost scorched your mouth as you anxiously drew in a sip, and then another, all while waiting for his response. A sense of bile rose through your throat as the chat bubble disappeared and finally a response from Floch appeared. You read the message over and over again, trying to decipher if there was some hidden intent behind it. Floch❤️: I'm at your dorm building The page stilled for a moment when the second message of his came through. Floch ❤️: We need to talk 'We need to talk... that could only mean one thing.' In a complete utter panic, and with every intent on running to your dorm room, you forced your phone into the depths of your pocket. You carelessly cut a sharp right, the thoughts in your head running rampant as you headed for your dorm to see what it was exactly your boyfriend wanted to talk about. Your mistake was forgetting to double-check for any people around you before taking off into a sprint. Because now you came into contact with what felt like a slab of concrete in a head-on collision. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. The fresh latte flew from your grasp and tumbled onto the sidewalk, splashing you with its scorching hot liquid mid-process. Your purse fell from off of your arm as you landed flat on your back in front of everyone, and your victim had fallen to the ground with you- wait- on top of you? "I'm so fucking sorry," you hissed at the burning sensation from the drink, but also at the pain you felt from falling onto your back, the contents of your backpack digging into you. Hovering above you was a man dressed in a heather grey tracksuit. In one ear was an earbud, while the other earbud was detached and dangling in your face from the neck slit of his hoodie. A few pieces of his hair fell over his forehead and the sides of his face. You swore you could hear the faintest music pumping through his earbuds. You blinked a few times, unsure if you were seeing things clearly as he pushed himself off of you and held out a hand for you to take. Without another word, or any hesitation whatsoever, you placed your hand into his and he firmly clasped it, pulling you up onto the solid ground. The two of you bumped into each other but you promptly took a step back after you found your equilibrium. "I hope I didn't crush you, are you alright?" "Huh?" your eyelashes fluttered together rapidly, snapping yourself out of the weird trance you were in. The unnamed man chuckled dryly, "are you okay? That was quite a nasty fall. I hope I didn't break you or anything," he said with a hint of amusement in his voice, but overall it seemed that he was genuinely concerned about your well-being. "Oh, yeah, I'll be okay," you said, taking a look at your ruined jacket and shirt that was damp and beginning to grow cold from the latte, "shit." His intense light brown eyes stared down past your feet, examining the spoilt cup of coffee and the rest of the scene itself. "Here," he scooped up your purse from off of the ground for you. You awkwardly accepted your purse from the man and readjusted both straps of your backpack on your shoulders. As he stood in front of you, you couldn't help but stare at him, fully taking in his features. He was tall. Much taller than your boyfriend. His long jaw was sharp and perfectly lined with facial hair. His hair was long and a nice shade of light ash-brown and seemed to be shaved on the sides like an undercut. But, it was hard to tell since locks and strands of his hair were sporadic from the fall. Some pieces of his hair were stuck to his forehead from a thin layer of sweat. It was now that you realized how his chest was rising and falling rather rapidly with quick heavy breaths. It seemed that he'd been on a jog before you came crashing into him, at least it would explain the outfit. "Again, I'm sorry for running into you like a crazy person," you breathed out an anxious breath, "but I have to get going now, I have somewhere to be." You snatched the littered coffee cup from off of the ground and shoved it into the nearest wastebasket as you cleared the scene. You could've sworn that you heard the man calling out to you, but you refused to turn around, leaving him in the same exact spot of the incident. All you wanted to do was get to your dorm, talk to your boyfriend, and change clothes. **************** "Hey babe," you said uneasily as you saw Floch standing outside of your dorm. Floch had his back pressed against the door, his eyes glued to his phone, and his face was expressionless as the blue light fanned over his skin. When he heard your voice, he slowly tucked his phone away into his front pants pocket. Forwarding his attention to you, you opened your arms widely to greet him with a hug, but at the last second, you decided against it due to your damp top. "What the hell happened to you? You look like shit," he said with a slight chuckle as he examined your appearance. His words stung a great amount, causing you to bite at the inside of your lip, but you ignored him. "I fell on my way over here, my latte spilled on me in the process," you groaned, remembering the incident that happened not even ten minutes ago. "Do you want to come inside and talk while I change out of this mess?" You asked, heading for the door with your key. "No, I wanted to make this quick actually," he exhaled uneasily. "Okay," you wrapped your arms around your chest, holding onto yourself tightly. Your pulse quickened at the suspense, and the air around you could be cut with a knife while you waited for him to speak. It felt like an eternity had passed until those dreadful words left his lips. "There's no easy way for me to say this, so I'm just going to come right off the bat by saying that I think we should break up and see other people." Those dreadful words felt like the ripping of a bandaid, that or a complete slap to the face. The horrible predictions you tried to ignore happened to be true. Oh, how you wished you were wrong. You stared at him like a deer caught in headlights, trying to make sure that you heard him correctly. "Wha.. what?" you croaked, your mouth was dry. The silence was deafening, and the ringing sensation buzzed your ears. You watched as Floch's mouth moved, but no words could be heard over the persistent ringing in your ears. Floch gracelessly went for a hug, and even though you wanted to hug him- cling onto him and try to talk things out, he'd already let go of you. The bitter scent of citrus, the smell of him, plagued you and almost brought you to your knees with a wave of emotions following along with it. "I'm sorry," you were finally able to hear him once again. "Floch... can't we just step inside my room and talk things over?" You didn't want to sound like you were begging for him to stay, but you didn't just want to break up as if your relationship meant nothing either. "Are you sure about this?" You and Floch had been dating for not as long as Thomas and Mina were dating, but you two were going to be going on three months whenever the next month arrived. The two of you met on your first day at university, somehow he charmed you in a dorkish-way and the rest was history. And all this time you were thinking that you were in love with him. "(Y/N), it's been fun, but I think we'd just be better off going separate ways," Floch took two steps back as he stared at you, but your eyes weren't on him, but rather at his feet. "Again, I'm sorry for this." The sounds of footsteps grew distant until there was no more sound left, as your eyes stayed nailed to the spot where he once stood. He was gone. For good. You blinked an infrequent amount of times, only being pulled out of your hypnotic state when the sound of people walking down the hall caught your attention. As soon as you looked up to examine the hall, you made contact with some girl who was blatantly staring at you. Ignoring the unknown girl, you turned to your door and fumbled with the lock and key for more than a handful of tries. But eventually, you pushed through the oak door with a breeze you closed it behind you. As soon as you were alone in the dimly lit room is when a wave of emotions overcame you and the tears began rolling uncontrollably.

#attack on titan #aot #aot smut #aut au #jean #jean kirstein #jean kirchstein #jean x reader #jean smut #snk #shingeki no kyoujin fanfiction #snk x reader #fanfic #aot floch #jean kirschtein x reader

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telli1206 · 3 years ago

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The Heart Will Follow (Chapter 2)

Jay’s never had a crush...until he met Carlos. And now he can’t stay away.

Carlos doesn’t know what to make of Jay’s presence, yet. But what should he do, exactly, about a boy that’s both cute AND terrifying?

A collection of Jaylos isle meetings, inspired by this beautiful headcanon I came across randomly that I can’t get out of my head. And thank you to @hersilentlanguage for motivating me to post this!

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2: It Was Only Me And You

Evie tilts her head slowly, trying ever so gingerly to cast a subtle glance over her shoulder. Once she catches a flash of dark eyes, she whips back around. She tries to keep her actions as casual and composed as possible, but Carlos quirks a brow when he notices her mouth tipped open in surprise.

“He’s looking over here again. He’s-yeah, Jay’s definitely staring at you.”

Carlos sighs deeply and scrunches his eyes closed, letting his body slink back lax in his chair.

“Really? W-why do you think he keeps, doing that?”

Evie chews on her lip for a moment, examining Carlos carefully as his eyes flutter open to meet hers.

“Who knows.” She waves off the topic, leaning forward to help Carlos tackle the massive pile of books on his desk. “But there’s no point in worrying about it right now, is there? We have to get you home so you can catch up on these assignments.”

Carlos blinks, staring at her with a surprised look. He starts to turn, as if debating a look behind him, to see what Evie saw, but instead shifts back quickly and straightens up in his seat.

“O-ok. I guess. There is a lot here for me to do.”

He grabs his bag, smiling gratefully as Evie starts to stack his books so he can easily slide them in.

“Thanks, Evie.”

Evie feels a warmth bloom in her chest, and she has to fight down the happy curl that’s making its way across her lips. She only officially met her new friend a couple of hours ago, and already she feels giddy with excitement to have found a fellow kind soul on this dump of an island. She only wishes that she had a chance to meet him sooner. The fact that Carlos was hidden this whole time in the mansion just across the way from her seems like a travesty - a friendship that she’s really needed, and been deprived of.

Her resistance to smiling ebbs away the more she watches Carlos. He’s stopping every time he picks up a book to let his fingers trace across the letters on the cover, brown eyes alight with wonder, before carefully tucking his new treasure safely into his bag. It’s definitely slowing down their exit from class, but Evie can’t help but marvel at how excited Carlos is for school. It’s adorable.

And she finally has someone she can ask to study that won’t look at her like a complete freak for actually wanting to do her school work.

Evie’s knocked out of her thoughts by a loud snort from behind, obnoxious enough to startle her and make Carlos flinch. Her eyes narrow at Mal, who flashes her a steely glare while dragging Jay along past her and Carlos.

Jay’s constant presence makes Evie uneasy. Even as Mal pulls him by forcefully, he’s still staring at Carlos. And now he’s close...too close for her comfort. She tenses when she sees the thief leaning in even closer to her friend, only relaxing when Mal firmly yanks him away, earning space between Jay and Carlos.

Evie comes around the desk to stand by Carlos, making a fuss under the guise of helping him more, but secretly hoping for protection for him that can come with her proximity. Carlos smiles gratefully at her, happy for her help, but also glaringly oblivous to the fact that he’s still in the sights of his dark-haired classmate.

“Come on, Carlos, we should head home. By the way, can I tell you how excited I am to have someone to walk home with? Especially since it’s you.”

Carlos ducks his head, hiding a shy smile as he slings his hefty backpack over his shoulder. Two books are still in his hand, and he ignores Evie’s comment (other than the light flush dusting his cheeks, which Evie still notices) in favor of chattering excitedly about his first Poisons and Potions class tomorrow.

His animated talk is the perfect distraction, allowing Evie to guide them quickly away from prying eyes. She hooks a hand under Carlos’ elbow the second she sees Mal and Jay lingering against the lockers. She isn’t sure why they’re still hanging around nearby, but she’s not about to stay and find out.

“-so I know we probably can’t bring materials home, but do you think the teacher might make an exception if I offered to clean up the room for them or something? Because there’s an acid that’s good for cleaning concrete that I could really use. Mother would love-”

Evie’s half listening to Carlos, nodding and humming accordingly so he continues while she’s keeping a watchful eye. She fixes as heated a glare as she can muster when she catches Jay’s eye, feeling mildly satisfied when his eyes widen slightly in surprise.

She lets her glare shift then to Mal, hoping for a smiliar reaction, but is less than surprised when instead the girl’s face scrunches in anger, and a mocking tongue pokes from between her pinkish lips.

For a second Evie thinks how much fun it would be to just bite at that offensive pink tongue, and to bruise those small, pouty lips with pressure from her own. Mal would be shocked, no doubt, and the painful groans would be music to her ears...

Wait...painfulshrieks. Why is she thinking about Mal’s groans?

Evie shakes her head dismissively, returning her focus to Carlos and his chemistry babbling. She’s having trouble holding onto his elbow as his gestures become more wild and exagerrated. His nose is scrunched and his cheeks are flushed and red from barely taking a breath between sentences. It makes his freckles stand out so much more against the brightening skin.

He’s so cute, Evie thinks, stealing peeks at him as they walk. With beautiful brown eyes and lips like his, she has no doubt her friend will have at least a few of the kids at Dragon Hall crushing. Hard.

Her thoughts suddenly shift to Jay, and the looks he was giving Carlos. His stares. The creepy closeness. And her breath hitches in her throat.

Maybe she’ll have more to worry about with Jay than she originally thought.

———

“Evie? I appreciate you walking with me, but isn’t your home...right there?”

Carlos points back to the dusty sidewalk Evie had just hurried past. It’s dirty and quiet and isolated like it’s barely even looked at, let alone used. And yet, there’s still a light disturbance in the softly settled dirt that bares an eerie resemblance to Evie’s high-heeled shoes.

Yes, Carlos surmises. Those are definitely her heel prints and that’s most definitely her turn off to get home.

But her fingers are fidgeting and her gaze is scattered. She’s quietly shaking her head No but refusing to look at him at the same time.

“Evie? Is...is something, wrong?”

She finally looks up at him, her bottom lip pulled tight between her teeth. Carlos catches a look of concern before Evie relaxes and flashes a toothy grin. It seems...forced? But Carlos decides not to question it.

“Of course not, Carlos! I’m fine,” she chirps, still smiling at him. “I just want to make sure you make it home ok.”

She covers Carlos’ hand with her own and smiles warmly, and Carlos is practically beaming from the attention.

He was overjoyed when his mother finally agreed to let him attend school. But he had never imagined that going to Dragon Hall would benefit him even more than just advancing his education.

But now, he has his first...friend. And it’s already better than he could have hoped for.

“Evie, how do you think I made it home before today?” he teases with a little smirk. “I’ll be ok, I swear. Besides, if your mom’s anything like mine, she’s going to be royally pissed if you’re late. Am I right?”

Evie sighs, casting a troubled glance towards her castle, and Carlos knows his assumption was spot-on. Not that he’s surprised, really. He would have been more shocked to find out Evie had kind, loving parents than the latter.

But to Carlos, that only begs the question why Evie would want to go against her best interest to stay with him.

“Get going,” he urges again, pointing towards her castle. “I want to walk to school with you in the morning, so don’t go getting yourself in trouble, ok? I’m not about to lose a fr- uh, person, I just found over something so trivial.”

Evie cracks a smile, clearly not missing Carlos’ almost slip-up. Evil, hopefully he didn’t already ruin things by flat-out announcing his desperation by using a word only saved for the weakest of islers.

“Ok, I guess you’re right,” Evie chirps, and Carlos breathes a sigh of relief at the smile still bright on her face. “You’ll be careful though, right? Just...watch your back.”

Carlos raises a brow. “Of course. But...what do you think’s going to happen, Evie? I’m like, 50 feet from my front door.”

Evie bites her lip again, letting her eyes scan behind them, over alleyways and their quiet, abandoned path. She pauses for a moment to narrow her gaze on one darkened corner, and Carlos can feel his heart thudding harder in his chest as he examines her movements. But she finally eases her stance and turns back to face him.

“It’s...nothing. Really. It’s just - anything can happen, right? I worry about everything,” she dismisses with a chuckle. “I’ll..um...I’ll see you tomorrow, ok? Do you, want to meet here? At 7? And...walk to school, together?”

Carlos immediately brightens at the idea, Evie matching his wide smile with her own.

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

Evie presses her smile down, offering a short wave before turning to follow the path towards her castle. Carlos watches for a moment, instinctively checking to make sure she’s safe before heading his own way. But he can’t help noticing her eyes continually darting back to that corner, as if waiting for something...or someone to emerge from the darkness.

Carlos tries to shake off his nerves as he watches Evie’s figure disappear around the mildly crumbling brick of her castle. After a final pause to listen for any sounds of distress, he takes a deep breath and starts the rest of his trek to Hell Hall alone.

At least, he thinks he’s alone.

And the muted silence deludes him into believing that that’s the case...for a while, at least. It’s not until he’s just about to ascend the steps to his front door that a distinct crunch of dry leaves behind him leaves him frozen in his tracks.

“Heh. Shit.”

Carlos spins on his heel, and comes face to face with...Jay?

“Um..what’s up, short stuff?”

Carlos huffs at his words, his fists clenched as he tries his best to stare down one of the most intimidating boys at his new school. There’s no way he’s about to show fear when Jay’s right in front of his own home.

Wait, why is he at his home?

“W-what do you want?” Carlos presses, keeping his voice as steady as he can. “I-I know my house looks...big, but I don’t have-”

“Is the bitch home?”

Jay takes a slow step forward, and Carlos swallows. He’s barely a foot away now, and it feels so close. He can almost smell the sweat beading on Jay’s brow. He keeps his eyes trained down, with a blurring focus just below Jay’s chin, so as not to concentrate on the smirk he knows he’s giving him right now.

“Y-yeah. And she’ll probably beat my ass, a-and yours too, if I don’t get inside right away. I-I need to make...h-her dinner.”

Shit. That sounded so weak. Carlos dares a peek at Jay’s face, and it surprised to see the smile wiped away, and Jay chewing on his lip. He looks almost...worried.

And he surprises Carlos further by taking a generous step back, his arms raised in surrender.

“Well, wouldn’t want that now, would we?” Jay teases, and Carlos curls a sneer at his mocking tone. “Now, now, calm it down freckles. I’m not gonna get you in trouble, ok?”

Jay drops his hands into his pockets, hunching over to rock on his heels some.

“Doubt those eyes of yours would be so pretty with nasty purple bruises around ‘em. Until next time, then?”

Jay pulls out a hand to issue an awkward salute, quirking a smile as Carlos tilts his head, eyes narrowed and confused.

“Bye bye, Carlos De Vil.”

Jay turns and shuffles slowly down the path, kicking at random pieces of dirt and rocks on the way. He keeps his head down, refusing to look up or even cast a single glance behind him.

But Carlos stands unmoving, still staring at the weird thief with long, dark hair that’s tangling in the dry heat. He’s trying to make sense of what just happened, but all logic that could explain what just happened is lost on him.

Did Jay just say his eyes were pretty?

#jaylos #jay x carlos #descendants #my writing #carvie #malvie #Carlos De Vil #jay son of jafar #mal bertha #evie grimhilde #the isle of the lost

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