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ashintheairlikesnow · 5 years ago

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Mask/Breathe

Another gift for @wildfaewhump because your comment about putting your oxygen mask on inspired me! Sorry that I had to rewrite the part that got erased this morning!

CW: Some HEAVY subject matter is referenced or discussed here, please heed these CWs: referenced torture, referenced past burns. discussed extended metaphor involving parenting and plane crash/loss of cabin pressure, mentioned/referenced sudden death of spouse and grief, self-loathing thought pattern, brief memory of choking

tagging: @oofowouchies who asked to be tagged for Antoni-stuff, plus @astrobly, @burtlederp, and @finder-of-rings who are my everything taglist!

"Have you ever heard the saying, 'put your own mask on first', Antoni?" Dr. Berger smiles at him. She has a bit of hair coming loose from where it's been tucked behind one ear, her short, sharp bob dyed a deep, rich brown. It was red last year.

Chris loves that about her. He loves seeing people who change themselves in small or big ways year by year, the way he does. Antoni, though, doesn’t change. He stays the same, more or less. His hair a little shaggier, or longer, his eyes set a little more deeply in his face. But mostly he is the same.

Antoni gives her a thin smile, a barely-there stretch of lips, and gives his head a little shake, ducking his chin to look down towards the floor in the safehouse he goes to for therapy on Thursdays. "No, I am sorry," He says, softly. "I don't know the phrase."

At least, he doesn't know it anymore.

It does sting at the inside of his mind, in a way he can't turn into anything coherent. Itches like his scars. Gives him a sense of feeling very small in a big space, of falling asleep in someone's lap. The sudden dip in his stomach like being at the top of a roller coaster and knowing there is no way you’ll survive the trip back down, and yet you do, and yet he did, somewhere in the deeper recesses of his memories.

Dr. Berger can see when Antoni’s eyes go distant - she works with fifteen rescues at any given time, meeting with them in the evenings and weekends, fitting in an hour here or there when her regular practice won’t notice. She is used to the way a rescue’s face can shift to something empty and sad in a blink, as they find some part of themselves just peeking up above the surface.

With Antoni, he tries to let it drift back beneath as often as it can. What he remembers is bad enough. He doesn’t want to know how much worse it could get, for him to know why all of this happened to him.

She waits, as always, for Antoni to find himself again. Only then does she speak. "When you board a plane, there's a bit about safety at the beginning," Dr. Berger says thoughtfully.

Her pen taps the notepad she keeps. She’s written some things there, in the code she uses. Even if someone found her notes, they would be about a manic-depressive, a man fighting generalized anxiety, treating an adult with ADHD - you would never look at those notes and know she is writing about Leila, about Antoni, about Chris.

You could read her notes on a patient struggling with abandonment issues caused by an abusive relationship and never once understand that she speaks to Kauri on Friday nights, the weeks he agrees to show up at her door with a shy, nervous smile and the wish, just one more week one more meeting one more time, to try.

Antoni's fingertips tap against his own leg. His left leg is the bad one today. They take turns, his limbs, burning over old scars with new injuries that aren't real. They keep him tightrope-walking along some terrible boundary between the person he must be - strong, capable, always ready with a helping hand - and the smaller, meaner, worse person he really is.

The damaged skin, the broken nerves inside of him are all reminders that he deserved it all, and worse, and if he went back he could wear all his wrongs on his skin like he should. But he won’t go back.

He is too needed. As long as he’s needed, he will stay.

As long as he’s needed-

"They give the same speech every time. Wear your seatbelt as long as the light is on, stay seated, all these basic things. We all kind of know it by our second or third flight but they still repeat it, so that your… well, so your muscle memory will remember in an emergency even when you can’t think rationally, even if you’re following the lights towards the exit because your body knows there was a speech about this even though your mind’s just… checked out with panic. Sorry, let me get to my point. There's a bit there about what to do in a worst-case scenario... like a pressure drop if the plane has to change altitude too quickly. These little masks drop down from, ah-" She frowns, eyebrows furrowing. "Little... panels above your seat. And if you put the mask on, it gives you oxygen until you have enough in the plane to breathe again."

Antoni nods, just to show he's listening.

“One thing that they say, during the speech about the oxygen masks, is how important it is if you’re flying with someone who needs assistance, or you have a child or infant, that you put their oxygen mask on before your own. In the case of a pressure drop, you have seconds, Antoni, before you’ll stop thinking rationally, start acting drunk, losing reason. You have a minute, maybe a couple of minutes, before the situation is even more dire than that. So it’s imperative, absolutely essential, to put your own mask on before you help your child. Do you know why?”

He looks up at her, her warm understanding eyes, and shakes his head. “If you did that, you would save only yourself,” He points out, his voice low, a little gravelly. “You should save the child instead.”

“No, Antoni.” She licks at her lips in thought, and his eyes drop to her hands, to the wedding band she wears with a sparkling diamond on one finger layered over a plain band next to it. I wear one for my late husband, She’d told him when he asked, and one for my second husband.

I am so sorry. How did he die?

It was… sudden. Let’s not discuss my scars on our first meeting, Antoni. I’m sorry, it’s just difficult for me to talk about.

But they must talk about his, the ones he will admit to anyway, until he can barely breathe for the burning. He has to admit, though, he feels cleaner when he leaves these appointments, like he’s been purified by the fire, not burned by it. If he could only burn enough…

Dr. Berger clears her throat and gestures with the pen in her hand as she speaks. “As a mother - no, a parent - every single instinct in you will scream to save your baby first. This doesn’t apply across the board, obviously, but for most parents there will be a primal need to get your child out of danger before you care for yourself. In the case of hypoxia, those moments you spend trying to put a mask on your child could result in enough of a loss of oxygen to the brain that you are not only unable to get your own mask on, but you don’t put your child’s on correctly. But if you put your own mask on first, you will have a clear head and working lungs and can take the steps you need in your right mind to provide the best possible result to the situation.”

Antoni waits a beat, then swallows. “Dr. Berger, this is not a plane crash. I am not… I am not a parent.”

He can’t imagine the terror, of handling something so tiny and fragile as the children he sees, like Leila’s tiny infant daughter. Of having to hold it and feed it and care for it when it needed you more than it needed anything else in the world. How could you ever be expected not to shatter under the weight of that sort of responsibility?

Bad parents made sense to Antoni, the way that bad owners made sense. Power and control over another human being gave you too many reasons, too many chances, to make them suffer for their sins against you. What staggered him wasn’t the existence of bad parents, but that anyone could be a good one.

“Aren’t you, Antoni?” Dr. Berger gives him that slight smile again, then waves her hand. “Sorry, that wasn’t a useful question to ask you. What I’m trying to say is that you come here every week and tell me about your life, but there is something missing from the story.”

There’s a flip in his stomach. He knows where this is going. “What?”

“You.” She taps her notepad again, where she’s written his ‘code’ name, the fake one she uses for all her reports on him. “You are missing, Antoni. You spend your every waking moment supporting Jake Stanton, and Chris, and helping out with the other shelters, and these are all valuable things, but… what of your life is about you?”

He rubs his face with his hands, shaking his head back and forth. “I am not-... I am not sure what you mean.” His voice trembles, a little, something inside him twists and turns to ice. “I like what I do.”

“I know, but… Antoni.” Dr. Berger sits back, glancing over at the window at the night outside. There’s a street light shining a circle down on the sidewalk, and outside of that hint of light the rest of the neighborhood is shrouded in darkness except for the dim yellow lights he can see cutting through blinds or shining out second-story windows. “Do you begin to see how the metaphor applies?”

He doesn’t answer. If he doesn’t answer, he won’t have to say yes.

“You have built a life that consists of providing oxygen to everyone else around you,” Dr. Berger says, and her voice is very low, and soft. “I know the feeling. I did the same, after… well. I did the same once upon a time. I had two young children and it was, God, I don’t even remember the first year. It’s just… the life I’d had was gone, and rather than think about a new one, all I did was tread water. All I did was put the masks on my children and pray I would find the air to breathe before it was too late for me, too. When we have our talks, Antoni, I find… I see a lot of that same way of living in you.”

“I have not lost my husband.” He looks up at her but she isn’t smiling, only looking at him very seriously again, studying his face in that way she has of looking beneath.

“No,” She says, quietly. “But you lost a life, one that you have been led to believe you were responsible for losing. You are entitled to your life, Antoni. You did something immense to reclaim it. I’m only saying… well.” She shrugs, just a little. “I’m only saying that you must remember that you did reclaim it. I’m saying… Chris deserves his life, yes, and you are an essential part of it. Jake deserves his life, and he couldn’t do this without your support. But…”

The pause between them draws out and draws out until he can barely stand the itching that covers every inch of his skin.

Beg for me to stop, darling. Beg for it to be over, but know that you don’t deserve the mercy. He can almost feel the hands gripped around his throat, crushing his windpipe under the press of thumbs, the weight of Mr. Davies pushing his back into the floor until he thought he might sink into it and be buried under the floorboards of Mr. Davies’ beautiful home, another swirl in the woodgrain, a man’s life soaked into a rug, bled away, painted across the walls.

You don’t deserve the life I allow you, darling.

“You deserve to breathe, Antoni,” Dr. Berger says, softly. “You deserve to put your mask on. You deserve the air. You won’t be able to grapple with anything until you are willing to look me in the eye and admit that you deserve to live.”

The clock strikes the hour.

Their time is up.

#Antoni Sings Lullabies #trauma recovery #trauma recovery whump #referenced spouse death #referenced death #death tw #scarring #referenced scarring #self-loathing #freed whumpe #recovering whumpee #plane crash tw #referenced grief #grief tw #referenced choking #brief choking ref #choking tw #pain tw #scars

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switcher666 · 4 years ago

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First post: ⚠️ 1st warning ⚠️ triggering content “committing not alive” “sharp things” “addiction to things” “harmful” “Sad”

— — — — —

⚠️ 2nd warning! ⚠️

This is going to be emotional to certain people and this is my story. I’ve dealt with a lot so im going to say a lot. Remember on “UnFiltered Depression” there is no filter and your are allowed to speak your truth and admit your wrongs.

Names:

Going through school i was considered the “weird kid”, “Gothic Fag”, “That one asshole”, “The Barcode kid”, “Actual scar face”, “pin cushion”, “Scary dude”, “Austin scissor wrist”, and many.many.many more.

School:

In High school it was not easy for me. I had to keep my head down and never talk because, when i talked i got in fights I win at most of my fights but, not when I’m in my vehicle driving away and a student drives in front of me and 4 people from the car drags me out of my own car. I was gay for a year of my high school life because i was trying to find who i am and right about when i had a boyfriend for a week they break up with me because of rumors which are true. And the rumor was self harm and restoring who i was with pain, suffering, punching things, smoking cigarettes in the parking lot, telling the teachers to quote from quite “Fuck of and burn in hell where you belong.” 😬 not my proudest moment in life but, hey at least i didn’t have to go to weight class haha. I have much more and way more about my high school life but i want to keep this short and i might drop more of my stories if you are interested. And this story is based off my life in high school i graduated in 2021 and this is just a soft story compared to what i have.

Friends:

I had very little friends in my life and high school put together. And when i had my 2 best friends they were just like me all fucked up and broken like me. But I had a friend named shawn im not dropping initials or his last name but, when he was still alive he always told me to “Stay safe,live, and stop the cutting shit.” He was suffering from self harm too just like me but i was worse. I told him EVERY single day of my life “how are you feeling?” “Are you okay?” “Do you want me to help you?”. He vaped just like i did and he always wanted a aegis hero mini kit for salt “nic” and 2 weeks before we

Were about to turn into seniors i got him one from STL (St.Louis mo) and i was excited to give it to him! Then things took a change. He started to show up more limp than usual. Slouched over, eye lids dropping,straight faced, and always wore a gigantic black hoodie even when it was 90 (F) degrees outside (32 C). I know what happened. He “quit” he told me straight faced and not looking me in the eye. I cant tell the rest because im getting emotional just writing this.

He committed suicide,gashes on his wrists/arms,neck,face, and Shoulders. I never got to give it to him the vape is still in my possession and i use it still but im quitting now i only use it every 6 hrs but i stare at it and currently keeping it as a way to remember him by. I miss him everyday.I promised him 2 days before he committed suicide that i would never fight unless i have to

(I have controlled anger issues and adhd etc. and i was in boxing so i can hold my own and i would never cut or use self harm again.) i kept my promises and never broke them. Well i whooped some ass here and there but that’s because people try to gang up on me and i had a crack headish person in stl try to get in my personal space and tried to hit me with a broken plunger with spit and maaaybe shit on it 😬 trust me i 1000% had to. I often look up at the sky and pretend he’s waving at me from the clouds and i wave back like a mad man. Rest in peace my brother continue to party and drink whiskey with the angels and watch over us all.

⚠️ 3rd trigger warning ⚠️

My harm.:

Im getting this out of the way now. Yes I DID self harm but I currently am not because, the one i love with all my physical soul and passion is with me so there’s no more reasons to feel pain anymore. And i swore an oath to my partner. Also my friends who are no longer with us currently that’d i’d NEVER cut or use self harm as a “Comfort” ever again. Im going to list the things I did so you can understand how emotionally damaged i was. And you can use this as a way of looking at yourself and feeling better that your not doing these things. And I’m doing this so we can ALL open up and admit our wrongs and find a way to fix this. Not as a community but as a family. You are not alone anymore, I welcome you to your new family where you wont be judged or insulted.

⚠️ Please do NOT read these if you have a weak stomach or triggered easily ⚠️

-Cut

(face,neck,chest/stomach,shoulders, and hands,wrists)

-starved

(even when i was only 140lbs in high school)

-Punching

(punchingmyself in the face till my teeth were almost crooked and bleeding and my face looked satisfactory to me)

-Headbutting

(bricks,wood,trees, marble counter tops,cabinets. Anything that was around me.)

-Suicide

( once with a gun with no ammo and a rope that i found in my garage and has been worn to hell so it snapped)

-driving

(I left my hand off the wheel and closed my eyes for 10 seconds after i got done counting to 10 i opened my eyes and placed my hands on the wheel and repeated “I guess it wasent my time to go.”)

-Burning

( i held lighters to my skin after 15 seconds of being on them i put the flame out and place it on the most sensitive parts of my body and watched me scream and squirm with anxiety and thrill)

-Free running

(Free running is a hobby i used to do and still do whenever i get time, but back then i would “accidentally” fall off of large platforms and fail “trying” to do a back flip or a hand spring off of something)

END:

Thats it for now. Sorry for making it shortish/long posts. I still have many many many more stories unfortunately. So stick around and get help with what you or a love one needs. Remember! WE are a family and you are apart of it now. You are not alone anymore.

We love you being here and hope we get to see you another day.

MORE INFO:

Go to my snapchat:

I do face to face therapy talks on Snapchat

Monday4:00pm-9:30pm

Wednesday 5:00pm-7:30pm

Saturday 4:00pm-9:30pm

ALSO! My native tongue is only english but i do know a decent amount of Japanese. And im not promising you i know it Fluently but i know enough to help you. 😁

#UnfilteredDepression #sad #depression #acceptance #worth #family #hotline #stories #harm #safe #not safe #alone #not alone

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steponmepinkjun · 4 years ago

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I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

#felix-bi-anon #asksteppie

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transrightsjimin · 4 years ago

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im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

#rambles #i dont even feel like explainig any of this stuff more if it was unclear #bc trying to re-tell what ppl from bureaucracies told me and each nd every thing explained is so complex

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maki-and-sushi · 7 years ago

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DGR2 boys with a S/O who forgot to take their meds, and seeing them for the first time like that.

I do this sometimes, and I hate how people treat me. i also always have a soft spot for the DV2 boys... so I'm glad to serve you this meal! -mod Katie

Warnings: Language, probably. (fuyuhiko AND mod katie = swears) I also delved into some of the more negative aspects of living with things like ADD, ADHD (even though they aren't mentioned by name)

Nagito Komadea

Nagito is a little thrown, at first. he noticed a slight change, but he wasn’t going to say anything, he didn’t feel like it was his buisness. but after you explain to him what’s going on to him, he’s glad he can see you as you are naturally, without the drugs. You have to kind of remind him that you’re supposed to take the meds, that they help you! He understands and tells you he likes you as you are, meds or no.

nagito doesn't really see a difference, at first. but after an hour of two, when the meds have fully left your system? Ho, Boy.

you’re almost like a child, how you’re running this boy ragged all over the island, following your every impulse. (”Nagito! let’s go build sandcastles at the beach.....Nagito, lets go watch a movie!!! Nagito i’m huuuuungry!!”) You laugh a lot harder at teruteru’s bad jokes, and smile easier at sonia’s metaphors than usual, too.

he doesn't seem to mind too much, though. he hasn't seen you genuinely smile so care-free in a long time. And being able to get you to smile like that? It fills him with hope and joy!

at the end of the day you get quiet and tell him you’re glad he took care of you today. that it means so much to you that he would put up with you like this. you hugged him tight and apologized for being a pain. He assures you it’s no big deal! he’s glad you graced him with you're presence, and the fact that you trusted him to take care of you in a venerable state, means you trust him. and that means the world to him.

Hajime Hinata

Hajime is a little freaked out when he walks in for breakfast and you and teruteru were cooking and baking while dancing to music blaring from a radio.

at the best of times, you would talk to teruteru with common politeness. and at best, you weren’t one to want to do much in the morning. you preferred to lazily chat with people over some fruit for breakfast. And that was about it.

when hajime commented on the fact you seemed more energetic than usual, you just giggled and skipped over to him, and gave him a big hug!

“Hajime is so sweet for worrying! i just forgot to take my meds today, is all!”

He didn’t really know how to respond to that, so he instead asked if there was anything he could do to help you. you had explained to him before why you took medicine when he had noticed pill bottles around your cottage one day. hearing his question, you smiled and gave him a sweet smile.

“well, since you asked!~”

hajime didn’t like the look you were giving him, and rightly so. you spent the entire day just doing whatever you pleased, dragging him along with you. you were loud, and acting very childish. The worst thing about it was when hajime got annoyed, all you would do is giggle and not take him seriously!

Hajime was tired, his feet were sore, and he had a headache. you not taking his annoyance seriously didn’t help, either.

Noticing the look that had passed over Hajime’s face, you quieted down and curiously asked him what was wrong.

He knew he couldn't yell, because the way you were acting was just how you were, and he shouldn't blame you for being yourself. but hearing you so casually dismissing his annoyance,, and then asking what was wrong-!

he had had enough. with a firm ‘nothing. i’m tired. i’m going to lay down.’, hajime turned and left. he hadn’t made it 10 feet when you scrambled after him and tugged his shirt.

“hajime i’m sorry! what did i do? please forgive me!” you pleaded with him, as he kept walking to his cottage. the rest of the time it took to get to his cottage was filled with you pleading and whining about why he was leaving. He eventually just tuned it out. It wans’t untill he had made it to his cottage and he turned to tell you goodbye that he notice the quiet sobs and tears that had appered on your face.

“H-haji-me i’m-m sorry!” you cried, “i kniw t-that i’m annoying, a-and that i’m stupid and more t-troublt than i’m worth b-but-..... P-Pleas don’t leave! tell me why you’re mad at me! please, please, so i can make it better-!” and with that, you curled into yourself and dissolved into quiet sobs. All the previous annoyence and anger had left him in one swift punch to his gut, and was replaced with panic and sorrow for seeing you cry.

He pulled you to him in a tight hug and started trying to calm you. It occured to him that he probabaly looked like he was petting a distressed puppy, but at the moment he didn’t care.

its only when your crying had slowed and the hiccups had begun that he finnally noticed the judgmental stares of bystanders (kozuichi) and realized how bad this looked.

with a gentle hand he guided you into his cottage and sat you down on his couch. when you had finally calmed down enough, he quietly asked if you needed anything, like water or something. when you nodded he went to grab a water bottle and thought about what he was going to say .

when he came back, and you were quietly sipping on the water he began to calmly explain how brushing off his feelings had made him feel. you started to tear up and apologize again, and it occurred to hajime how small you looked then, how venurable you looked when you asked him to forgive you.

with a gentle smile, he told you that he could never hate you. he just asked that you be more considerate to his feelings next time. you hastily nodded.

you two spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling and napping in hajime’s cottage.

sure, you were a lot to handle when you were like this, but hajime found that you were worth every moment.

Byakuya Twogami

Byakuya was annoyed, at first. he was trying to keep an eye on everyone, and you were just running around, and causing havoc and discord among everyone.

when he finally manages to pull you aside and ask just what has gotten into of you, you tell him you just forgot your meds is all, no big deal!

he settles you with a firm stare and tells you to go take them. You resist because you don't want to take them! you're doing just fine without them! besides, he's your boyfriend! he should like you just the way you are, no meds needed!

you're being stubborn, you know you are, partially from boredom, but also partially because you were getting tired of people hating the real, unfiltered version of you. sure, everyone preferred the calm, mellow, quite you. everyone was constantly annoyed by the loud, bright happy you.

you resented those pills. even if they helped you focus and helped you study for school, they made you sad and quiet. so much so, that you had to take pills to make yourself feel better. you hated it. pills to make you focus, pills to make you happy. it kind of made you feel like you were, for lack of a more fitting word, broken.

And the more you argued with byakuya, the more upset you got. it was a petty argument, you knew, (and one you had done many times in the past) but it was one you were determined to win.

he told you that you were acting like a child. you smirked.

"well if you think so lowly of me for acting like a child, what does that say about you? someone who fell in love with this child?" you told him, smirking.

he paused "I don't look down on you. how could I look down on someone I care about?"

this confused you. "how do you not look down on me? you want me to take those pills because you hate the way I am now. because you hate the fact that deep down, I am a child at heart. and you, you're so serious, so mature. it makes sense you wouldn't want me to act like a child. it would ruin your reputation to date someone like me, right? I mean-" he cut you off with a stern glare. "I don't care weather or not you act like a fool or are a 'child at heart' as you put it. I merely called you a child because you will not listen to reason. I am not saying you should take your medication because I hate your true nature, but because those are medications to balance out your brain chemistry, given to you by a medical professional who believes that they will help you."

needless to say, byakuya was often your voice of reason in these scenarios. and he always eventually got you to surrender and take the medicine. (better late than never , you would always concede with a tired smile) usually after you had some time to reflect, you apologized for your behavior, and thanked him for being so good to you. (and byakuya would never admit it, but the hugs you gave him as thanks always made his day so much brighter.) he always assured you that it wasn't any sort of labor to him, and if it was, he would do it anyway. because what kind of boyfriend would he be if he couldn't look after you?

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

His temper runs short on a good day, but on the days where you aren't your calm self to ground him? his temper is a loaded gun. needless to say you both have petty arguments over little things and usually end up storming off away from each other.(until one of you comes to their senses and apologizes)

peko is useually there to smack some sense into him when he won't man up and apologize, or to point out that you were at fault in the argument and guilt you into apologizing.

fuyuhiko and you always make up after though, neither of you belive in going to bed angry at the other, so even when you both are furious with each other, you always end phone conversations with 'stay safe' (or some variant of ' I love you' when you are in relative privacy) and will always tell the other goodnight. (everyone knows about this and thinks it's the cutest shit ever)

fuyuhiko thinks you should probably remember to take your meds, but after you tell them how they make you feel sometimes, he fully supports you when you take days off. (and tell any of your more sarcastic friends to go fuck themselves when they patronizingly ask if you've taken your meds today)

fuyuhiko is a loving and supportive boyfriend (even if he gets a little emotional sometimes) and he is firm in loving you , meds or not.

Gundham Tanaka

gundham first thinks you are possessed. he actually tries to put a spell on you to remove the demon before you get hurt. when you notice him weirdly chanting while intensely staring at you, you come over to ask him what's up.

"I am attempting to remove the foul entity possessing you, my dark companion."

you laugh and tell him that you aren't possessed, that you just ran out of meds and forgot to pick up more from usami yesterday. he looks a little relived (and also a little disappointed?) and carries on like normal by demanding you tell him your evil plot for the day. you tell him you were just going to hang out with ibuki as she's usually the only one who can keep up with you when you get this way.

Gundham, however, takes this as both personal insult, and challenge.

"only -.... My dark love! do you doubt the power I posses? no? then why do you not think I can ' keep up'?!" gundham demands. When you explain to him that you can get a little rowdy and energetic and annoying he merely scoffs and demands you cancel your plans so he can 'steal you away and show you his true power'. you think it's sweet he wants to spend the day with you, and accept.

you and gundham spend the whole day running around and doing things. you went to the rocket mart and built a little playground lair for the four dark devas, you helped him gather some books on ancient summoning rituals, you re-enacted his battles with him, you both had lunch at the diner and then went to the beach....

you had so much fun! at the end of the day, you kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for being with you. he quietly assured you that it was no problem, and that you should always come to him if you needed a distraction, or needed to have a demon slain. you laughed and told him you would remember that.

Kazuici Soda

the first thing kazuichi noticed is how touchy-feely you were. you were constanlt hugging him and asking for piggy back rides. you and him were both normally touchy people, but this was a little much.... but who was he to complain if they wanted to hug him? he loved hugs, and he loved them!

the second thing he notices is how easily you're laughing at his jokes. he's telling some pretty crappy ones, and even though you usually gave a pity laugh, you seemed to actually chuckle at these. when you started laughing at everyone's jokes, however, he was getting a little irked.

it wasn't till you suddenly paused in the middle of your conversation with him and quietly said to yourself "I forgot to take my meds." that he realized what was up. he stood up and grabbed your hand.

he walked you back to your cottage, chatting along the way with you. he knew you proffered you didn't miss a day of your meds because sometimes you could get headaches and get snappish during the withdrawals.

after your meds are taken care of, he invites you to his cottage to watch a movie with him while he tinkers with stuff. he makes sure you remember to eat throughout the day, and asks if you want stuff whenever he goes out for something. you fall asleep watching a movie together, and the next morning kazuichi makes the trip to your cottage for your meds so you don't forget to take them again.

Nekomaru Nidi

You actually don't usually forget to take your meds with him around. he either(unintentionally) wakes you up on his way out for a morning jog, and leaves the pills on the nightstand, or makes breakfast and has your meds sitting on the counter. He can't help it! he's a manager! he just wants to make sure you have everything you need to be sucsessful!

on the off day where you do forget to take them when he goes out for his morning jog, the night before hand you had been up until 3 playing games, and completely bypassed the meds on the nightstand in a search for coffee. when he got back from his jog and discovered that you had torn apart his cottage looking for your book (it was on the counter) and you had misplaced your reading glasses (they were on your head) , he asked if anything was wrong.

you looked at him, annoyed. you also wouldn't stop fidgeting, tapping your foot or running your hands through your hair. "I don't know what's going on today! I'm just so forgetful! first I left the faucet on, then I forgot where I put my pen, then I couldn't find my book, but as soon as I found it, I lost my glasses! gosh, it's times like these where I really don't see a difference in my meds- ... Oh my god I forgot my fucking meds." he let out a hearty laugh and told you that your glasses were on your head. when you reached up and found them, you kissed him on the cheek

"thanks hon! I'll clean up my mess after I go take my pills." as you left the room, nekomaru looked after you fondly. you were a force of nature, that was for sure.

Teruteru Hanamura

teruteru loves when you forget to take your meds, and can always tell when you don't. your meds tend to curb your appetite, so you usually only snack throughout the day until dinner. being the ultimate chef, you declining his offers for meals and food always stings a little. but he gets it. his mama, after she got sick, had to take pills that sometimes curbed her appetite too. so he always made sure to have a few snacks prepped in the kitchen whenever he could coerce you to eat.

when you weren't on your meds, however, it was like a holiday for teruteru. you were always hungry and eating whatever he cooked! you supposed that it was your body's way of trying to catch up on all the food you miss when your on your medicine. so whenever you ask him what's for lunch (you usually managed to squeeze in something light for breakfast before pills kicked in) his face just lights up, and he gets right to work making something tasty and original for his babe!

sometimes he packs picnics for the beaches, sometimes he makes buffets so you can try a little of everything! and since you don't like to take your meds in the afternoon, he can even get you to eat dessert with him after dinner!

you eating the food he prepares makes him so happy! and because you seem to love it so much, it makes him so prideful!

even if you run him ragged when you don't take your meds, teruteru loves having you around, and he loves taking care of you in his own way.

#super danganronpa 2 #danganronpa 2 #mod katie

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sanderssides-fics · 8 years ago

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A special haven chapter 2

Chapter 1: https://sanderssides-fics.tumblr.com/post/161948293942/a-special-haven-chapter-1

Tw: hospital, ADHD interpretation, multiple issues.

Tags: @analogically-prinxiety @the-prince-and-the-emo @princeyandanxiety @softlogic @polysandershell _____2______

Anxiety spent a little while in his room still, just looking around. Posters coated the walls and there was another of Logan’s ties on a hook near the door, the magenta one Anxiety had once complimented Logan on.

The tie he had with him last night was wrapped around his wrist like it was a bracelet. Anxiety finally decided to leave his room when the door opened, it closed behind a tall man with dirty blonde quiffed hair and a suit on. “Ah hello Anxiety, I am Mr.Donnovan the caretaker of this home. I have to go to the hospital to retrieve everyone’s daily medicine, do you need anything?” Mr donnovan had a strong southern U.S. accent. Anxiety shook his head No, not ready to open up to him, what he wanted was pain medicine and Logan. “Not even your nurse?” Mr. Donnovan questioned, Anxiety looked at the tie and then held up his wrist, pointed at the tie and nodded. “Okay hun, I’ll be back in half am hour. Maybe you should socialize”.

Anxiety didn’t leave the room for 5 minutes after that. When he did, he wish he hadn’t. The walls were a bright yellow, the carpet an unnatural grey, the lighting was flickering in one spot, and the noise… God, the noise. It wasn’t that it was annoying… it was that it was loud and a lot of layering. Children laughter, Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, a TV somewhere, the hospital ambulances, teen grumbles, a single scream of ‘shut up!’.

Anxiety went downstairs where instantly he had that 10 year old kid again near him. “Come on! You need food! Why are you here? Did you do something bad? Are you bisexual? Are you agender?” He then gasps in his little question spree as he sits Anxiety down at the breakfast bar and gets him orange juice “O M G are you gender fluid?” They asked.

“I’m not any of those” Anxiety spoke slower and quieter than the kid.

“Oh okay! That’s cool! Do you like the juice? Vander made it at 3 this morning!” The kid beamed “I’m Elliot! I have ADHD, I get tired a lot and distracted. It’s a really weird case because I’m not like other kids but I’m not exactly different yknow? My parents are in huggy shirts, they laugh a lot. I think the huggy shirts and pillow rooms make then happier than I do” Elliot got sad for a moment “Oh well!” He beamed right back up “if live with my uncle who owns this place! They thought it would be easier if I lived here, better eyes on me to make sure I don’t fix things all the time.”

Anxiety helped Elliot take a breath to calm down just as a girl entered the room. “Fresh meat” she mumbled, her ginger hair up in two pigtails held up by ribbons and curled at the ends. She smacked gum and fixed her overall jorts. The white shirt she wore read 'Basic’ in big black cursive letters and it couldn’t have been more right.

“That’s Ash, you won’t see her around much. She’s released tonight, she finally got rid of her illness and gets to go home. Her mom is a buisness woman by the name of Anne, her dad is a congressman named Steve, she has a baby brother who would 3 years old in a week his name is Allen.” Elliot explained to Anxiety, whom just nodded.

“You don’t need to reveal everyone’s life story dweeb” Ash growled flicking Elliot in the temple. Elliot whimpered after Ash left with a bowl of dry cereal. Anxiety patted Elliot’s head gently, a little Unnatural since he hadn’t done that before. Elliot smiled and noticed Anxiety had finished his orange juice.

“My uncle says your name is secret, you get called Anxiety though because you have bad Anxiety. He said for me not to jumpscare you so you don’t get scared ” Elliot laughed gently. Anxiety smiled a little, Elliot showed Anxiety the rest of the house. The bathrooms and the bedrooms they were allowed in.

“The twins are very cuddly, I warn you” Elliot said as he opened the door slightly and instantly there was two kid on Anxiety’s legs. They rubbed their pudgy 3 year old cheeks on Anxiety’s legs and acted like cats. “Dr.Alice found them on the street with a posse of cats. They’ve acted like this ever since. ” Elliot said. Anxiety knew exactly who these girls were. Dr.Alice told Anxiety about Kit & Kat.

The kids let go of Anxiety when an older teen came out of his room, they hooked on to him as well and the guy laughed and went back in his room without a notice to Anxiety or Elliot.

“That’s Kyle, he only associates with the care takers and the twins. He’s here because he has nowhere else.” That was almost the last time Anxiety saw Kyle.

The door downstairs opened and Mr.Donnovan entered. “Uncle Donny!” Elliot exclaimed and slid down the railing and right into his uncles arms. Anxiety retreated into his room, weird, he felt no way about calling this room his own. He didn’t think he’d mind it here after all. Though he had no idea who this 'Vander’ person was.

There was a knock on the door before Anxiety looked up from his spot in the middle of the floor. Logan closed the door behind him and Anxiety smiled gently at the Nurse. Logan was glad that the only thing disturbed in the room was the sheets. “Hey” Anxiety spoke gently.

“Salutations” Logan said and Anxiety giggled making Logan smile and sit across from him “How do you find the place? How do you feel”

“Its okay, Elliot showed me around… I’m in some pain and Anxiety levels” Anxiety mumbled the last part, Logan moved closer to Anxiety and noticed the tie around Anxiety’s wrist.

“So you have left the room, that’s good. You went with a hyper boy as well. I see you found the tie, I thought it might help you calm down… you know, about being forced into this place even though you said no.” Logan looked down a little ashamed but still he knew this was best for his anxious patient. He gave Anxiety some pain medicine he had in his white coat pocket.

“Its okay, I can see where you came from on the whole safe view this place is definitely better than with my brother” Anxiety said and Logan nodded in agreement. Anxiety hugged Logan gently to seal his opinion on Logan so that Logan wouldn’t worry as much.

Five minutes of talking about Anxiety’s opinions of the other tenants later and they both were leant against a wall, Anxiety more leaned on Logan’s shoulder though. Logan was Anxiety’s comfort.

“Dr.Alice told me about Ivory, that other nurse, I’m really sorry about her. I don’t know why she did that” Logan said casually.

“Dr.Alice said it’s because you and her dated and you broke up with her because of a… complication” Anxiety said, his head half in Logan’s neck and half on Logan’s shoulder but he still saw the deep blush on Logan’s cheeks.

“Yeah, I realized I didn’t really like her. She wasn’t nice anyways” Logan admitted

“I figured” Anxiety smiled gently, Logan’s watch beeped “Do you have to leave?”

“Yeah, it’s lunch time for you. I’ll come back tonight before my shift is over to check up on you okay?” Logan said as he got up and helped Anxiety up. Anxiety nodded and lead Logan to the door before saying goodbye. Anxiety didn’t like Logan leaving, he didn’t really feel safe anymore.

“Anxiety!” Elliot smiled and took Anxiety’s hand dragging him to a dining room. “Its lunch time! Uncle Donny let me help with it. We are having macaroni, grilled cheese, and salad!” Elliot was very hyper and kept talking; some how Elliot managed to switch the topic from lunch to roller coasters to the Vander person again.

Elliot made Anxiety sit next to him as Ash and Mr.Donnovan served the food. Most of the kids dove into their food savagely but still neatly. Kyle had came down with Kit & Kat and he was helping feed them their food so they didn’t make a huge mess. Anxiety just nibbled on his food. A peace of lettuce or a corner of bread found their way to his mouth every so often. He was used to Roman taking his food, it would be half way to his mouth and Roman would steal it and eat it then laugh. He was used to one small meal a week from the breakfast club at school.

Elliot kept everyone entertained with stories he heard from 'Isaac’ but most people referred to him as Imaj. Imaj was sitting in the living room, he ate his food there while next to the small terrarium for a gecko or something. Anxiety got up when everyone was distracted and entered the living room. Imaj looked up instantly, he smiled gently.

“You’re the new one, you came in last night. I like your scars” Imaj referenced Anxiety’s wrist, Anxiety hid his wrist against his chest.

“How did you know about those?” Anxiety asked nervously.

Imaj just smiled “I’m Imaj, I am 8 years old and my parents are dead” He said without hesitation, without the smile leaving his face either.

“I’m Anxiety, I’m 16, and my dad is dead. I never knew my mom.” Anxiety said quietly as he sat next to Imaj.

“This is Quiche, he’s 5 months” Imaj held up a small gecko, it was no bigger than the brunettes middle finger. Anxiety smiled at the reptilian creature.

“He’s adorable” Anxiety smiled, he pets the gecko gently.

“Donny says he’s like me. Adorable and all knowing.” Imaj made a mystical face making Anxiety laugh gently. They talked about Quiche and about their time here until lunch was over for everyone else. Then the living room flooded with TV hogs, it got too loud for Anxiety so he covered his ears and speed walked to his room, when he spun around to close his door he noticed Imaj had followed him.

“Can I come in, please?” The day-dreamy eight year old asked.

“Sure” Anxiety found it weird he felt more comfortable with the 8 and 10 year Olds than with people his own age. Then again, people his own age liked to hurt him outside of here.

#roman sanders #logan sanders #anxiety sanders #sanderssides #thomas sanders

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0201-sims · 8 years ago

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(WARNING: LONG) About Me~

I was tagged by @thepathofnevermore and @blackswan-sims; thank you!!

1) Rules: Tag 9 people who you would like to know better. It’s kind of long so no pressure! @kentaborisov @memento-sims @angelbeam19 @simsmono @fallenangelphoenix92 @lemon-lime-sims @sadepaivas @the-garden-statue @alwayssims2

Relationship Status: Single Last Song I Listened To: Instead of Tears - La’Mule Last Book Read/Listened To: Anguished English by Richard Lederer because I keep it next to me on my desk in case I need cheering up. (Although I usually end up laughing so hard I start gagging ._.) Favorite Color: Blue Top Three Shows: Forensic Files, Trauma in the ER, The X-Files and honorable mention Jackass because the movies are better but I still love it! ;D Top Three Characters: Really don’t think I have any Top Three Ships: Kyo (Dir en grey) x Ruki (The Gazette), anyone tall x Kyo, anyone manly x Ruki

2) Rules: BOLD the statements that are true for you!

APPEARANCE: I am 5'7" or taller (5′3″ / 160 cm) I wear glasses (Contacts) I have at least one tattoo (Never!) I have at least one piercing (Had my left ear pierced until I took it out for a cosplay and never put it back) I have blonde hair (Dyed - it’s brown really) I have brown eyes (But often wear grey contacts) I have short hair (A little past shoulders but I need to cut it!) My abs are at least somewhat defined (I’m squishy. . .) I have or have had braces (If you’re an American with any kind of money/insurance you have probably had them LOL us and teeth!)

PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people (But it scares me too) People tell me that I’m funny (And they’re right! ;D) Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me (Too big really...) I enjoy physical challenges (I might actually throw up) I enjoy mental challenges (Only of the crossword puzzle variety!) I’m playfully rude with people I know well (Swear like a sailor!) I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it (I do this. . .) There is something I would change about my personality (More confidence!)

ABILITY: I can sing well (Not terribly though!) I can play an instrument (Used to play piano and violin years ago) I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (Will cry at 1) I’m a fast runner when I’m in peril I can draw well (But I don’t much anymore. . .) I have a good memory (Mostly visual) I’m good at doing math in my head (I’m good with times tables though thanks to a certain teacher :P) I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute (Technically, but no because of contact lenses LOL) I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling (I get beaten in thumb wrestling!) I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch (But don’t test me, okay?) I know how to throw a proper punch (Violence is scary!!)

HOBBIES: I enjoy playing sports (Dude, I make mods for a video game) I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else (HAHAHAHAHAHA) I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else (Was in orchestra) I have learned a new song in the past week (Lyrics?) I work out at least once a week (I usually go out to a park and walk/hike and I count that!) I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months (When I was 5 probably LOL) I have drawn something in the past month :( I enjoy writing (RAUNCHY) FANDOMS ARE MY #1 PASSION (I love that this is in caps) I do or have done martial arts (Surprised? My mom used to teach me tai chi.)

EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss (Only during truth or dare and honestly “making out” doesn’t appeal to me at all) I have had alcohol (RUM!) I have scored the winning goal in a sports game (It was probably an accident. . .) I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting (I have ADHD, man.) I have been at an overnight event (Summer camp!) I have been in a taxi (Yay for not being able to drive!) I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year (Phew!) I have beaten a video game in one day (Only adventure games) I have visited another country (Canada) I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts (I’ve progressively seen all my favorite bands!)

RELATIONSHIPS: I’m in a relationship (Never been!) I have a crush on a celebrity (I think you know who too ;D) I have a crush on someone I know (I have though, I swear!) I have been in at least 3 relationships (See below) I have never been in a relationship (Haven’t tried though! ;D) I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them (See above...) I get crushes easily (Haaaaaaa. . .) I have had a crush on someone for over a year (But lose interest easily) I have been in a relationship for at least a year (Redundant “no!”) I have had feelings for a friend (And it sucked)

MY LIFE: I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” (Not anymore. . .) I live close to my school (I’m not in school!) My parents are still together (It’s sad that this is a question.) I have at least one sibling (I get all the attention!!) I live in the United States (But I’d actually rather be dead) There is snow right now where I live (In April?! I would cry!) I have hung out with a friend in the past month (People but not friends because I don’t really have any in real life ;D) I have a smartphone (But it’s old and only kind of works but is very loved!) I have at least 15 CDs (But I will not list them ;D) I share my room with someone (If I do then they’re sneaky. . .)

RANDOM SHIT: I have breakdanced (I wish I could say yes; what an image!) I know a person named Jamie (This name is unisex) I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce (You’d have to really not care about school to not be able to pronounce your own teacher’s name. . .) I have dyed my hair (Present tense!) I’m listening to one song on repeat right now (Not right this instant but I’m always doing that) I have punched someone in the past week (Never!) I know someone who has gone to jail (A far-off family member) I have broken a bone (Drink your milk, kids) I have eaten a waffle today (I wish!) I know what I want to do with my life (But it probably will not happen LOL) I speak at least 2 languages (white American here so no :P) I have made a new friend in the past year (Hello!)

#nonsims #tagged #sorry for rambling

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miharunakashima · 8 years ago

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I found this ask game on @adhdcomorbid‘s blog, thought it was very interesting and decided to answer it!

1. Are you a fast talking hyperactive or a pacing hyperactive? for as long as I can remember ive always had problems with speaking smoothly or quickly; quite the opposite. So id say im a pacing hyperactive.

2. Are you a doodling daydreamer or a window gazing daydreamer? it mostly depends if im alone or with other people because if im alone i tend to gaze and daydream a lot, mostly while listening to music (i cant stand it when theres too much silence), but if im with other people and i have the possibility to doodle ill do it.

3. Do you like hand stims, foot stims, or mouth stims the most? my number one way of stimming is to jiggle my leg, often to the point my muscles are sore and im unable to stop (the first time it happened i kinda freaked out) but when hyperactivity kiks in i often find myself in need of using my hands, and i always end up playing with the first thing i can lay my hands on without even noticing, so id say hand stims. (i also like to chew on things, mostly my gf’s fingers).

4. Are you a planner person or a phone reminder person? i try my best to plan things (even tho i often need other people to do the planning, expecially when my brain decides that doing more then two tasks is “overwhelming” and “impossible to organize”) but i still have to get better at it, so im totally a phone reminder person.

5. Do you hyperfocus on productive things or irrelevant things? oh boi if i wish i could hyperfocus on productie things... it happened a couple of times with writing but always when i couldnt do it or i shoulndt because i had other things to do. I always hyperfocus on the most stupid and irrelevant things ever--

6. Are you a multitasking ADHDer or an overhwhelmed ADHDer? i swear to the gods, cannot multitask to save my life. and as i sad above, sometimes my brain sees a list of more than two thigs to do, gets overwhelmed and blanks. error 404, brain.exe not found.

7. 504 or IEP? i have no idea what these means, i’m sorry ;__;

8. Diagnosed or Self Diagnosed? when i was in elementary school i went to a child psychiatrist and she told my mom that i showed signs that could mean i have adhd, but since i was seeing her for other reasons she didnt went deeper and never actually diagnosed me. later on, roughly at 22/23, i started to connect the dots and the more i read about adhd/the experience of other people with adhd, the more i see myself and recognize things i do or experience.

9. Are you a 5000 tabs person or blank tab trying to remember why person? its a huge pet peeve of mine when there are too many tabs open, and the order of the ones i have opened is pretty strict, but i do forget what i was going to look up or the general reason i opened another tab.

10. Are you a self-hate when rejected or extreme rage when rejected kind of person? such a self-hater that’s not even funny.

11. Are your family do yoga people, eat clean people, or put down the phone people? im not sure i understand the question, but both my parent dont want me to look at my phone while im eating (my father doesnt even like to have tv on during meals) so defenetly a “put down the phone” kind of people.

12. Which were you called the most in school: lazy or irresponsible? OH BOI. i heard the sentence “has potential but doesnt apply it” so much that when i was 14 it actually lost its meaning.

13. High stim or Low stim seeker? unfortunately i dont know the defference beetween high and low stims, also because i started to look things up very recently, but im very sensitive to everything thats too loud, to crowed places and everything thats “a lot”? if anyone can give me the definitions of high and low stims id be very happy!

14. Comorbid conditions? I have anxiety and depression (i mean, these are the things i know about, since i dont have the economical means to afford a more in-depth analisy).

15. Which have you been told more often: meds are cheating or meds are street drugs? i have never took medications for any of my mental issues (meh) but i know for a fact my father is very against any of these meds because he thinks that they are “useless” and that “only make companies richer”.

16. Not social to mask symptoms or overcompensating to mask symptoms? i try my best to avoid social situations, but whenever i cant i try to prepare myself the best i can (by knowing how many people there will be, what will i need to do, ecc) and im lucky enough that my firends understand this. i dont know if i overcompensate, tho; i find it difficult to answer this question.

17. Reading hyperfocus or reading impossible? R E A D I N G H Y P E R F O C U S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it happened more than id like to admit that i was so focused with what i was reading that i forgot to eat or even to go to the bathroom. (with things i had to read for school, tho, i had problem starting. but i remember sometimes reading chapters i didnt had to read because they were interesting)

18. Do you parents believe it exists? my mother isnt very well informed on mental health while my father may be more cultured but i have no idea what his opinion may be.

19. Diagnosed late or early? for a numer of reasons ive never been properly diagnosed, but the first time a psychiatrist noticed something i was 6/7 years old, but i self-diagnosed around 23/24.

20. Ever wonder how much of you is your personality and how much is ADHD? as a general way of thinking, i believe that every person is the combination of a number of things. adhd is a part of me, one way i have of explaining a part of myself. It can be a “big” part or not, but its not the whole thing. I am many things, there are many aspects of my personality, and each one of them is essencial to create that something that is “me”. I wouldnt be the way i am now without adhd and i defenetly wouldnt see the world the way i do.

#text #long post #miharu.txt #mental health #sorry for the tag!!

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lizzzie-jpg-blog · 7 years ago

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I am in love with you.

Okay, first and foremost, if you aren’t someone who knows me IRL, you don’t really “know” me. Secondly, I try to make it clear on my blog that I’m in a relationship, have been for almost two years, (two years on the 23rd of this month) and am not interested in anyone else other than my current boyfriend. I say you don’t know me, simply because if you just think you love me based on what I post here, you don’t really know the half of it. Loving me is a SHIT ton of work, and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I have bipolar disorder, hypochondria, depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I am not severely mentally ill, but if you are interested in someone who is mentally ill like me, loving us is not easy. I am someone who needs validation, attention, and reassurance fairly often. I have anxiety therefore I occasionally worry about things that can get frustrating. I have a SHIIIIT load of family problems too, and it adds a lot to my need for someone to be there for me 24/7, everyday, all day. I am sensitive. I can be incredibly emotional. I have stomach problems so I’m sick quite often, I have an autoimmune disorder so when I’m not at work, I sleep a good 2-7 hours of the day in naps, meaning if you needed me to be there for you, there is a fair chance I would be asleep. Also, I have been in abusive relationships in the past and this also attributes to my need for validation and my worrying. Anyway, I am a shit load of work. I am more work than most girls. And I’m not saying this to be rude, so don’t get offended, but you don’t love me. There is no way you could possibly be in love with me, because you don’t know me. You don’t know my problems and mental illness. You don’t know the half of it, and again, I’m not saying that to be rude, I’m just saying that because it’s the truth. I appreciate it, but I know you are probably only saying this because I’m beautiful. You probably just find me attractive, but that doesn’t mean you love me. You don’t know me. And if you do know me IRL you should know better because everyone and their mom knows I have a boyfriend. Anyway, best of luck to you, I really wish you the best, but you don’t know what it like to love me. It’s not fair to say you love me because it really isn’t easy TO love me. My boyfriend is just an amazing person who has grown to understand me, and has learned how to care for me. He knows when I’m getting sad or worried again. He’s the one who is there for me all day everyday, tbh he’s so wonderful and he deserves a medal. Have a good day, though. I’m sure you will find love, but it won’t be from me.

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docboots · 7 years ago

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On Working w/ a Disability

Ever since I was diagnosed with my disorder, I kept being assured of a net should it prove too difficult for me to make it in the professional word there was a department for this. In social security, there was a magical division made to assist those born with disorders that wrecked their bodies like me. I was too proud at the time. I might have been taking things my own way, at my own pace... But I was certain I could make it out there.

Degree after degree I found the agony difficult to focus and my attendance was terrible. I tried a number of things: Culinary Arts, Engineering, Computer Science, and Graphic Design while studying everything and anything that caught my interest. My hunger for knowledge did not change my blood. It just seemed to get worse with age, and each attempt at a new degree just lead to a worse experience. The stress of college made it so my body was swelling at random. Concerned teachers constantly asking what is wrong, and days I couldn’t properly do my work. Days I couldn’t show up at all. That is the good thing about school, you can take your work home without having to barter or prove you are trustworthy. You fail or you don’t. School has never been easy with ADHD, but adding HAE on it? I am sad to admit I had to give up. Only to try again.. And again.

Similar can be said about the workplace, but they are not as accepting of attendance problems. If I didn’t screw things up by being unable to make it to my first day because the stress and excitement of the application and interview process made it so, wouldn’t you know it, first day on the job my gastrointestinal system is swollen and I am left bent over a toilet while my stomach and esophagus work together in teaching me how to best imitate a banshee; I would eventually end up swelling too much. Too many sick days, not able to do the job, and once blaming me because apparently, I didn’t stress enough how often it would happen. Like I can schedule when I am going to have a flare up from a disorder that actively likes to defy my theories on it.

The main difference with the workplace is how crooked managers are. Be it the place that, while I was 17 or so and in school mind you, was forced to work 60 hour weeks and was consistently only paid for 30 hours. Then strung along saying the next check would have what was missed, only for that one ALSO to be ripping me off 30 hours PLUSX the previous 30 hours. I was a young teenager though. NO one took me seriously. Even as I was ripped off. This wasn't the first time either. It was yelling at the void. Apparently, the world can scam me all it wants. Law doesn't cover that.

Even had a lovely time involving Voc Rehab. If you don't know who they are then let me tell you. In Reno, at least, VOc Rehab is another fairytale given to up and coming disabled youngsters claiming it will help us with our problems! If by that they mean to have us talk to a person who acts like he is helping but really just pushing you to use their job website. Which is like any other job website. I am familiar with them. This does nothing to assist in the disabled. I completely stopped humoring them after my caseworker asked 'Well dfo you want to work or do you want to be disabled?' Without giving me any alternatives. He'd suggest jobs rarely, but given I kept repeating I needed something low on stress or help dealing with stress then being recommended something horrifically stressful or taxing (Read flair ups). I assume I was difficult for him. How sad.

A particularly damning case involved a company that had a disability waiver. From the moment I spoke to someone, I was very clear about my disorder and what I needed. Namely, that occasionally I would need, not want, NEED a goddamn cane. I am guessing that because I was 25 they thought I wanted to look like a pimp or something and not because I NEEDED IT TO STAND, they took my stipulations with a grain of salt. Fast forward a mind-numbing two months that can be summarized as ‘You seem to work fast, you must be able to work fast all the time! Can’t be compensating for that blood disease you won’t shut up about, not unload that truck even if there are 5 other jobs we acted like you would be getting and aren’t a danger to your health.’ Everything else swells but my leg or foot. The day finally arrives, and every day I have asked my manager about my cane only to be told he’ll find out and tell me later. Repeat 40 times.

I limp my butt in with a cane, and immediately my manager is disappointed because he wanted me unloading trucks again. The rage begins to bubble, but as with every day, I zip it up like a good work slave unconcerned with my own well being. They want us all to do group exercises as they do every morning. Given I am operating on one good leg and one that is living its dream of being one solid bone, I have to improvise. Luckily my knee was swollen in a way it was bent and I can balance on one knee. I could have probably just stood back, but if there is anything I learned it is that you have to act like you can run like every other four-legged horse in this rigged race to even compete. Even if you have one.

I work for an hour and a half. I am a hint slowed down, but I can manage. I need the money. The manager comes up and meekly says I am not allowed the cane. Something he could have easily found out in the two months I had worked there since. Given I have to climb up, get onto a tiny catwalk, and climb down a ladder to get to this station I am not at all pleased. So I shrug it off and go home mad as ever but holding it in. As I had the past few months.

The very next day, my knee is not at ALL better. If anything it is worse. I had to call out a lot that month so I forced myself to go into work believing if I just go at my own pace I’ll be fine. I’d worked like the devil otherwise. It is pure agony and feels like my knee cap is going to explode out of my leg with every minute twitch while my other is growing tired from constantly balancing on that alone, but I manage. Until I go to the bathroom to put water on my face and pep talk myself into not screaming bloody murder at the throbbing in my leg.

I waddle myself towards my station only for the manager-who-shall-still-not-be-named-for-legal-purposes to come up to me with this smile on his face. This smile a person like me has begun to associate with bullshit. The smell a person gets when they smell a fine smelling flower. Only more pompous, cause it is from a whiff of the bullshit they have strewn together. Since for some reason even after I had told him at LENGTH about this issue.. He starts rolling his hands up in an ‘up up’ motion. Saying I should pick things up a bit. As I am slowly limping back to my station with each step causing more and more pain because I was not allowed. Which he would know as he was the one that kicked me out for the cane.

I like to believe myself a reasonable, patient man. There is a point that the pounding of your own enraged blood through your ears starts to sound like war drums. I have been put through many horrors. Through physical torment and emotional belittling. I still was not prepared for the humiliation of my manager coming up to me on the factory floor and telling my crippled ass to pick it up. To go faster. I exploded.

I am not at all a violent man. Not even at my most enraged. I am a man of many words though, and I have been taught by a lunatic how one’s tone can be used as a weapon. Two months of hatred (admittedly further fueled by some issues I was having outside the workplace and bloodline) exploded out in a rabid rant. If the fucker was going to humiliate me, I was going to humiliate him by lecturing him like the child he was. Loudly. It might have been immature, but every bit of relief was worth it. I stormed out and was told by a friend who worked at a security guard that my picture had been put in the security room. I was apparently seen as a threat. As the worst thing I did was yell at him and call him a child.. OR something (I mildly blacked out until I stopped talking) but I never threatened and never made it seem like I was going to hurt him.

I was mad. I was in agony and it was only being made worse by the man I was yelling at. Yet they call us millennials sensitive little flowers. This man was in his 40s if not 50s. Least I didn’t end up making this one cry. I will not apologize for it though. If you are going to do that to someone disabled and actively having a flare up, you deserve your ear chewed off. The bit of power that being a manager of a FedEx Express gives you does not make you exempt from that.

To top it off, I call HR. I talked to the congressman...'s assistant. (Who I had become quite familiar with after my attempts to get the money from the school (Morrison) I went to that went bankrupt and sent me my final loan stipend which bounced. As well about the check they sent me to fix the bounced on. Which also bounced. The fees all this accumulated from overdrafts and the like mean a particular university owes me NOT ONLY my god damn transcript but quite a bit of money as well. ) Shrugged their shoulders. Local HR shrugged their shoulders. General HR had me give a list of demands to work there (Have a cane) which was just an elaborate way for them to shrug their shoulders in a new way and send me a paper with my demands typed out with NO written in bold red letters. I thought I was the dramatic one in this situation. So, all that came from that was a headache.

So after a few more attempts at getting an ‘honest’ living or trying to get a diploma for a job that isn’t buried under needless stress, I gave in. I made my way down to the Social Security office. So that should be the end of this part of my story, right? I stood in line, filled out my paperwork, they saw my struggles and my inability to get a job proven right?

Heh.

#job #working #disability #rant #pain #career #hereditary angioedema #HAE #disabled #flare up

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