#I am on my adhd meds and don't have anything to do and also wanted to draw SO YOU'RE GETTING THIS NOW

[chirping-robyn]

Uhhh uhhhhhhhhhh uhhh uhhhhh

Favourite colour: Don't know? I mean it changes. Maybe blue? Right now, at least.

Last song: The Light That Comes Through, Sparkbird. It was playing and then I put it on loop to not fuck with me writing this all down.

Currently watching: Avatar (airbender not blue people). Again. Not right now. I'm at school. It also depends on how I'm feeling. I watch many different shows at once. But ATLA was the last show I was watching.

Currently reading: The Martian, Andy Weir. Well. Also not currently. But it was the last book I was reading. Currently I am reading tumblr? It was also a while ago since I haven't really had too much time or energy to read.

Currently craving: Nothing? ADHD meds fucking with the appetite I fear. I'd like some water I think.

Tea or Coffee: It depends. Why am I drinking it? If I have a sore throat, I'd probably have some peppermint tea. If I need to stay awake, likely coffee. If I just want tea to be cozy, black tea with milk. It also depends on temperature and preparation. I don't like my tea with sugar but I love coffee with sugar. Is it hot or cold? I prefer cold coffee over hot but hot tea over cold. Am I having it with anything? The snack accompanying the drink is important. If there is a snack, I am more likely to want coffee. Unless I am munching on some nuts, in which case I will want tea. It also depends on what cup is being used. I hate using the insulating cups because the drink will always be too hot. However, I like cups with lids because I am clumsy. Also where am I? Coffee is more of a home drink to me while tea is for going out. Also, the type of tea or coffee is not specified at all. How much is there? There are so many variables to consider yet so few to work with that making an informed decision is nearly impossible.

Anyways. Uh. Friends. Yes, I have those. Uhh... @maned-wolf-caboose? Who else do I know? @mattressonacountryroad? I mean they're also above but. You know what I can't be bothered to think. Still on tea and coffee dilemma.

get to know your moots tag game!

✶ answer the questions, then tag six people

Thanks for the tag @kiraandhervibes

Favourite colour: blue and purple

Last song: the challenge from EPIC

Currently reading: I just started Silverborn

Currently watching: rewatching Series of Unfortunate Events

Currently craving: nothing in particular rn, but I’m always craving iced tea

Tea or coffee: tea!

Npt: @somanyquestions-featuringanxiety @shelbeforgotten @sparkleylittlepoo @stars-and-leather @ravensncrowsx @permetutotheworld + anyone else who wants to

[deoidesign]

.

[which-qsmp-egg-would]

I love having hands

[belovedcarrion]

More rambles!

I have ADHD, right? Well in case it's not abundantly obvious by *gestures at blog* this I have ADHD. Officially, therapist diagnosed, ADHD.

Which is wild considering I did not even begin to consider I had it until I graduated highschool. Though looking back it explains so much

Since my diagnosis I've wanted to try stimulates since my ADHD was often crippling especially since I no longer could rely on my similarly crippling anxiety to help me brute force my way through the more problematic symptoms (wooo for anxiety meds, less woo for my lack of healthy coping mechanisms)

Long story short it took like, I wanna say two years? Probably. Time is hard. To get in contact with a psychiatrist who could prescribe controlled substances. (I live in MO and my previous prescriber was a nurse practitioner so she couldn't apparently. According to my friend it might be different in IL but idk). Who could have guessed ADHD would have made getting a prescription for ADHD meds hard? (Everyone. Everyone could have guessed that)

So I've spent like a month trying out different strands(?), brands(?) before settling on Adderall which is honestly kind of funny considering how ubiquitous it is with ADHD, but I digress.

And honestly it is amazing.

Like I was told repeatedly that it's not a miracle drug, which to be fair it's not.

But also for the first time in my life I can get out of bed without laying around for hours. I can take regular showers. Keep on top of homework. Go to class.

Like this isn't a miracle. I can't suddenly find boring lectures fascinating or look forward to doing my laundry. But the fact I don't like these things hasn't stopped me from doing them. Which is kind of a miracle considering how much I struggled with this kind of thing for, honestly, my whole life.

It's hard to put into words how much this has helped me. Like my whole life I've been the problem. Too loud, too selfish, too lazy. And for the first time I'm starting to realize maybe it wasn't just me. Maybe I wasn't the problem.

I don't tend to talk in depth about my problems, especially not to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but this whole experience has been both a massive relief and a weirdly bitter pill to swallow.

Is this what it's like for most people? Is it this easy? This doable?

I don't know.

It just made me think a lot about when I was a kid and what my life could have been like if this had been caught sooner. (That makes ADHD sound like some kind of life threatening disease lol)

Still better late than never. The best time to plant a tree is ten years ago and the second best time is today and all that.

I've only been on medication for a few weeks now and I'm going to have to adjust the dosage now that my body is getting used to it, but now I have a metric for what I can do

My future always felt like it came with an asterisk.

"This is what I'm going to do (*as long as I'm not too me about it)"

And now...

The parts of my future that felt like pipe dreams feel possible, and the parts that I was terrified would forever be out of reach have finally stopped moving.

I'm sure things won't work out perfectly, my situation will change, the world will change, but for once it doesn't feel like I'm going to be what messes everything up

[hyperfixiation-station]

Behind Enemy Lines Pt.2

CW: Detailed description of wounds and torture, talk of derealization, disassociation, medical inaccuracies Summary: You were a friendly medic, captured years ago and held prisoner, forced to do do the bidding of your captors. Years later, a man by the name of Ghost is dragged in and changes the trajectory of your life A/N: I had severe ADHD, and i am unmedicated rn, and it makes it really hard to work on things unless I get the hyperfocused drive for it, so I'm sorry I'm so bad at making the other parts to my fics. Know that I will never abandon them. it just might take me a while. ALSO I CAN'T FIND THE SAME GIF I USED FOR THE LAST ONE IM SO SAD and also this is shorter than the last one.

thanks to @haven247 for being my beta idea playlist part 1

“I'm a medic, please I don't know anything!” wrists strapped, metal on metal, ears ringing

“Stop please I-” touching, pulling, biting

“Im just a medic pl-” it hurts it hurts stop it please

“I don't know anything!” I'm innocent in this

“Please!” just let me die

“Stop it, please!” hurts hurts hurts

God just let me go

Humans are a funny thing. They crave life and living, no matter how awful the circumstance. You thought a lot about the apocalypse shows you used to binge watch, though about how they all fought to survive, even when it would have been better to die. You never really understood them until now. How someone could lose everything, be betrayed and hurt again and again and still want to live. And yet here you are.

Maybe hope if foolish. You'd lost hope for a long time, or at least you'd thought you'd had. But as the soldiers came crashing into your prison, as they held you at gunpoint as you tried to save their friend, you could feel her crawling out of the dark recesses of your heart. Her light was flickering, but there.

Stepping outside almost sends you into shock. The sights, the sounds the smells, everything just came rushing at you like a freight train. For so long you'd been floating in some half-aware state, the world around you muted and dull, and to have it crash back in like this was startling, to say the least. You would have fallen if not for the dark-skinned soldier holding your arm in a vice-like grip.

You can hear gunfire and screaming, so loud it almost made your ears hurt. Smell the smoke and the burning rubber. Feel the wind in your tangled hair and the blood slicking your hands. The blood. It is hot and slippery, coating your hands and soaking into your ratty t-shirt. You can hear Ghost's rattling, wet breaths, smell the metallic scent of his blood, feel the way his meat, his muscles and fat, brushed against your hand as you kept him from bleeding out, can feel his organs pressing against your fingers with each shuddering breath he takes.

Oddly enough, these sensation help ground you. They were things you knew, feeling you had grown accustomed to since your first day in med school.

You reach a helicopter, the rotors already spinning. Its a bit of a struggle to get in while making sure you don't let go of Ghost, but you manage. The soldiers carrying him place him on a row of seats, and you kneel down next to his body, hand still firmly holding gauze in place.

It wasn't doing much good, but it's not like you could tell anyone.

"Help him." The soldier with the mustache orders the moment you're in the air. He thrusts a med-kit at you, and the dark-skinned soldier opens it for you, showing you the contents.

They don't give you much to work with. Some gauze, a needle and thread, bandages, and a lighter. Rudimentary supplies. But hey, you've done more with less. Probably.

Your free hand drifts to the lighter, a distant memory of a soldier and a gunshot wound in a similar area flashing through your mind. It's not quite the same, more than just an artery nicked this time, but cauterization is all you can really do.

You grab the lighter, flicking it on and holding to his body. a hand closes like vice around your wrist, yanking your hand away.

"What the 'ell are ye doin'" A man with a Scottish accent practically snarls at you. You whine in response, tugging your arm uselessly.

"Soap." The mustache man says sharply, "Let 'em work."

"Sir-"

"Let them go." Your wrist drops, and you fumble with the lighter before holding the fame to Ghost's skin. You watch in sick fascination as his skin bubbles and burns, the fat and muscles shrinking away under the flame, the blood vessels sealing precariously as the heat sears them shut.

You don't know what effects this will have on his organs, if he'll be able to function the same way again. But you have to keep him alive. You look at his pale face, watch the way his chest shudders with every breath.

God you hope he makes it.

~line break~

They don't let you was before throwing you in a cell. Okay, maybe they didn't throw you, but regardless, you were still cuffed to a table with Ghost's blood crusted to your skin. It was gross. And cruel. They had stripped you away the second you reached the infirmary, not letting you see what was going to happen to your patient.

The door swings open and you flinch, looking up at the soldier that comes in with eyes. Its the man from the helicopter. Soap, you think his name is.

"Yer lucky the medics sayd he'll live." He says, his voice distinctly Scottish. He stalks towards you, sitting on the table on your left side.

" 've been instructed tae question ye, but first we ha'e tae git a look at yer face." He reaches for your mask, tugging it off your ear. All he succeeds in doing is pulling your head forward.

The mask is secured behind your head with a metal clasp, and could only be opened with a specific key, ensuring you couldn't take it off. You had tried, at first, to pull the stitches out, and this was the solution. You can't pull out stiches if you can't touch your mouth.

Soaps brow furrows, a flicker of confusion crossing his face. HE grimaces as he touches your hair, finally just pulling a knife out of his pocket. You tense automatically, squirming away as he brings it closer to you.

"Oh for fu- hold still!" He grasps your head, sliding the knife through the cloth by your ear. The mask falls away, leaving your face exposed

"Lets see what we're-" He freezes, the knife dropping to the floor with a clatter as he sees the mess that is your face. Your lips are sewn together, and the skin of your cheeks is red and raw from the tape that holds your feedign tube on.

"Oh shit." the blood drains from his face, his hand fumbling for the comm unit on his vest.

"Cap? Yeah, we've got a problem."

A/N: Okay, i'm not sure I like the second half, but here it is! Part 3 will have more Ghost/medic interaction :) tags: I definitely didn't get them all, I'm sorry there was just so many of you @smile6890 @cricricorner @unclearblur @redzluvvesage @just-a-harmless-potato-05  @vesna-the-spring @princess312 @norsehorseofcourse-blog @bonniperinktrance @soggywafflezz  @littlebunie @sirbonesly @havoc973 @mommymilkers0526 @thegreyjoyed @pinkiliciousgunp0int @poopoobuttsy @darcellethedreamer @kamote-kuneho @z-wantstowrite @i-ate-ur-fries @fakeguysarehot @shitrandom @yunho-leeknow @idontreallyexistyet 

[wlwsoccerfics]

Focus(Viv MiedemaXMiedemaReader)

Warnings:this Is quite personal, i am posting it so you know you are Not alone and adhd has many different faces and everyones experiences are Different.

Summary: your sister notices you struggling with your adhd again.

You sat on the couch, fidgeting with the sleeves of your favorite Hoodie. Having your Headphones on, listening to the same Song over and over again. Something you do alot cause you hate trying new Things Like music, TV Shows and movies. You often google the Outcome of a Show or whatever you are watching cause you get stressed not knowing. Could also be your anxiety playing into this. When you play football it's different. You don't mind not knowing the outcome. You are (almost) always at your best on the pitch.

Viv always knew exactly what to do to get you out of your head space when your mind was all over the place. She sat next to you and took your hand in hers, squeezing it. Trying to ground you, which slowly worked cause you stopped fidgeting. "Thanks Viv. " You told her. Offering her a small smile. She smiled back at you. "You don't have to thank me, it's what i am here for!" She replied. "You are only two years older, yet you do so much for me and always take care of me. Don't you get annoyed sometimes? Isn't my adhd too much for you sometimes?" You wanted to know. She pulled you in for a hug. "Yeah i get annoyed sometimes! But not cause of your adhd! I her annoyed cause you are my little sister and you are supposed to annoy me! It's how that works! Little siblings annoying the older ones." Viv told you with a soft laugh escpaing her lips. Which did make you chuckle. "Okay that's fair!" You answered. Then you jumped up cause you had to do something important. "Wow easy there, don't injure yourself on a match day! Or preferebly ever!" Viv told you. "I won't! I am careful! I just have to...." You frowned softly cause you realized you just forgot what you wanted to do. Viv knew that look so she stood up and suggested the two of you would check If you have packed everything in your bag.

Indeed you did have everything packed for today's game. "Are you feeling any better? Or is there anything i can do for you?" Your sister asked. "Thank you! I feel a bit more relaxed. But i also think i forgot to finish up something important." You let her know. Sighing softly. She offered you a sympathetic smile. "Whatever it is i am sure you gonna be able to figure it out! Let's try and get your focus on the game!" She suggested. But then Viv was thinking for moment. Which you noticed so you tried to study her face. "y/n? did you take your meds?"she asked you. And you suddenly realized that you were in the middle of taking them when you got distracted by your Phone giving you a notification about your favorite Podcast having a new Episode out. "I took one of them and forgot the other pill!" You answered. "So that was what you forgot!" Viv stated. "Yes indeed! Thank you for helping me to figure this out!" You hug your sister as a thank you and she hugged you back. "Always there for you, Baby sis! Always and forever!" She let you know. "It's deeply appreciated!"

You drove to the game together. Your best friend Jill hugged you and smiled. "Happy to have you back." She told you. you missed the last three games because of your ankle giving you a hard time. but things have been great now. "Glad to be back! Not gonna lie kind of glad i didn't have to play against Alessia last Weekend!" You told her,which made her laugh. You and Alessia have been together for two years now. "Don't injure yourself next time we are up against Arsenal again though, please i am begging you!" Jill said, half jokingly.

Your head was free from any distracting thoughts so you were 100% focused on the Game against Aston Villa. You even scored two goals.

Thankfully your sister is always there to help you figure things out.

[naamahdarling]

I don't GET it.

My doctor doesn't want to write me a scrip for a specific med because I'm on a super high dose and he wants me to see a specialist.

He sent me to a specialist. A PITA since usually I do my bloods at the same time I visit whatever GP I have and have done this since 2007. But fucking fine, whatever, not like I have other shit to do and limited access to transportation or anything.

The specialist is like "...You're stable on this so why change it???"

The specialist didn't tell my GP last year that I could just be on this dose.

A year later my GP balks at refilling the scrip. I am severely irritated.

FINE. The referral expired months ago. I need a new one, I get one.

The specialist's office calls. He has moved 40 minutes away, one way. I like the drive but No. Just...No.

The specialist's office, the largest in the area, has nobody else that takes my very common insurance. It is also very firm that there are very few of these specialists, and the ones there are tend not to take many new patients.

My GP DID agree to refill these meds until I could see someone. Hopefully he won't change his mind.

The medication that is such a big deal? Is it the stuff I'm on that is scary and bad and not for naughty future addicts? Is it the stuff I'm on that is so dangerous it is also on the nastybad fuck informed consent list?

No.

Fuckin $10 thyroid meds. That I'm stable on. That's the huge problem.

Like, I get that having levels that are too high is Bad. But so is not having ANY meds. I did that for 2 months last summer when I ran out of ADHD meds and lost the bottle of thyroid meds and because my ADHD was so horrendous I never tore my mess of a room apart looking for where they fell, and did not realize how long it had been because time is unknowable.

I could not THINK. I genuinely thought something was direly wrong. No. It was brain fog, which is terrifying AND inconvenient and dangerous, by the way. I was cold and tired all the time and hungry all the time (lack of ADHD meds does that, though so it may have been that). I was forgetting to do things like them off the stove burner, or turning on the toaster and immediately putting something on top of it. I was fine in a week once I got the meds again.

I will not be able to organize multiple appointments in that condition. The person who helps me? Also has horrible ADHD and a job that does not leave them free to make calls for most of the day. Or watch me to make sure I turn off the stove.

I'm so annoyed.

I get why this is happening, my GP is not wrong, exactly, and I know he will fix this. I know it is the lack of endocrinologists. But oh my god. Come on.

Also I REALLY do not want to take up an endocrinologist's incredibly important time with something so basic. Like, I really do not need to be doing that. I prefer specialists for most things, honestly. I just get better care. But the ones I usually see are plentiful. Everywhere. I really, really have a moral objection to using specialists if the discipline is understaffed and it is not absolutely necessary. Elderly folks, kids, and truly sick folks need this more. Just give me my meds until my bloods are out of bounds again.

[thebibliosphere]

Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

[deqdlyowl]

I actually have some old doodles TPtR au related... This one portrays an event from the second chapter.

I have a few more things, but they're kinda spoilers and I'm not really into spoiling... Though one of them is just a spoiler of one interesting detail I want to add (the event my sketch shows most likely won't appear in the fic), while the other one is a WHOLE AHH SPOILER of the shit happening in, maybe like 10+ chapter, I'm still not sure how big I want to make the fic, ahaha.

Also rambling and venting out my feelings under the cut because I forgot to take my meds yesterday. You don't have to read but I would be happy if you do.

.

Every time I start something I like, it begins to feel like a small obligation after some time, no matter how I feel about the thing I create. I love my fic and I really want to finish it, because it's also a huge emotional boost for me when I understand that I passed my word count goal in the chapter and I finally can write down my 24/7 daydreaming about CotL (even if not all of them, I often think about selfship, sorry, ahaha),AND I have a nice feedback. BUT. My ability is to abandon things. I have many unfinished drawings, unfinished crafts, like, a crocheted Spycrab or a full-sized HHH tf2 weapon, even though I really want to finish it all, but since I took a really long break, I just abandoned it all. That's usually the reason why I don't make comics. (The only comic I've ever made is that one silly meme about bees). And a month ago I started writing TPtR.

I'm scared of this happening to my fic, that's why I force myself to write if I'm not doing so for more than two days. Somehow it boosts my motivation, but at the same time, the thought of having to force myself to do something, even if I love it, makes me anxious. Why am I not doing anything if I love it? Perhaps it's just my depression with AuDHD kicking in, and sometimes I forget to take my ADs (I don't have ADHD meds yet) that makes me suddenly apathetic about everything. And then anxiety. And then I get sad when I can't come up with words.

Today I was describing the thing I have no experience in. I made tonnes of research, watched many videos of how people do it, tried to find words, but it looks... Meh. And I'm sad. And when I'm sad about something I do, I abandon it. BUT I WON'T. I will force myself to not, because I still want to write! I try to reassure myself that it looks shitty because it's still a draft and written in my native language. However, if looking at my current word count, the chapter won't be short, and it makes me happy. I'm sad and happy. I'm confused about my feelings about what I do!! I can just abandon doing ANYTHING and be lazy for years as it happened in middle school! But I have to force myself. To do anything at all. I already bed rot when I'm not studying, and if I'm studying at home, I still do it in bed. I'm losing weight (I'm severely underweight), my dogs feel bad (they're almost 12), it's my final year in school so I also study hard for my finals, my dreams say weird things (I believe in dream-telling or whatever, and I kinda can decipher them) and it all devours me from inside. But I can't give myself a rest. Or. I'll. Abandon. The thing. I love!

I'm repeating, but my head repeats everything most of the time as well, it's either loud and messy (adhd) or quiet and agonizing (autism), my ADs make my body parts twitch, I don't think that I need my therapist anymore, because it feels like there's no different between me before and me after talking to her.

I love my friends though. Their cheerful reaction to my fic or sketch updates is something that also boosts my motivation of doing something. I love art because of the feeling of creating something, but after finishing, I get the desire to see someone's reaction to what I did.

That's all, I think. I mean, not all, but I don't want to repeat again and again, my memory is getting worse as well, I feel like I kin Shamura ahahahha. I want to take an MRI. What if I have a tumor.

[bomberqueen17]

smorkles

So anyway. I don't remember when I last posted about anything and I'm not going to go look it up.

I don't start back at the farm until May 13th. My cabin has no electricity currently but there is apparently a trench being dug, and it will contain both a real electrical line (not a duct-taped extension cord!) and a water line??? of some kind??? with actual potable water??? sounds fake but ok.

but I am going to, not quite the farm, this week, leaving tomorrow. And i am going to stay with my middle-little sister. Because her housemate moved out, and her house needs some renovations, and now she's thinking she needs to sell that house and downsize to a smaller one, and that's all fine but like the main thing she needs to do is to get rid of like 3/4 of the objects she owns, and i say this from a place of I also have to get rid of like 3/4 of the objects I own and I dont' know how to do it or how to make her do it either and hate the entire concept of the process. But hey. There it is.

I am bringing her a kitchen table and a whole-ass tree that was rescued from dude's work office but is too tall for our ceilings. she has higher ceilings. we'll see how this goes.

i feel like i should be sort of retrospecting on what i did this off-season. right? like my life is in two annual chunks: farm work season, and not farm work season. Farm work season is usually April-ish through the beginning of December. And then since the beginning of December I've been doing Not Farm Work and I have no idea if I've achieved any of those goals. Did I set goals? IDK.

I did want to get my ADHD shit sorted out. So I started seeing a therapist. And she's admitted she's like, for short-term stuff, and needs to get me passed along to more of a specialist type person maybe. IDK. I've been told to form habits, told to buy a notebook to turn my life around with, and in other doses been fed things that i have largely seen before because i have been living like this for like, 40 years.

anyway. and also i tried all the basic meds, everything's "here try this and see what it does" dosages have given me negative side effects and no good effects, so if I want to continue trying to medicate myself I need to actually have a psychiatrist who I can ask questions of and get a response faster than two weeks. (That's how long it took to hear back on whether I could stop taking atomoxetine when it started giving me really bad anhedonia. Thankfully i had already figured that out on my own twelve days before, because i could not have lived like that for those twelve additional days, it was really bad. also he was like "and discontinue wellbutrin" my friend i discontinued wellbutrin in 2014 so i'm not sure who this was addressed to.)

but. yesterday's conversation, the therapist was going on about different things-- I had been given a rundown by a friend about the different types of behavioral therapy that existed, and how some of those might be more useful in trying to make concrete improvements in one's life, and my person was like "the thing is most of those are just fancy names for stuff you've largely already encountered so there is not going to be a magic technique that fixes you" and it's like

the thing is when have i ever said "find magic technique/drug that fixes me" is a therapy goal? That's not my goal. My goal is explicitly "figure out better coping mechanisms than what I have because brute-forcing normality for as long as I can and then feeling real shitty when I can't anymore isn't very sustainable", and no, I don't think that ACT or DBT is going to magically fix me, but if I can find more tools through a coordinated approach, wouldn't that be good?

What i can say is that so far using a lot of CBT-lite language and making lists has actually given me a borderline-pathological avoidance of my Special Notebook, in which i can no longer write but i do still carry it everywhere like a talisman (it's very useful. not), so I'm writing essays on discarded envelopes because I can't even use The Good Scrap Paper for this, when I tell you I've scarred myself trying to figure out how to make a fucking to-do list I'm not exaggerating.

So I have an essay written on an envelope from which i'm trying to extract, like, a thematic through-line to guide me in what to do next, and then a bunch of witterings in a discord convo, and I wrote a list of things I want to bring, and I did go move some furniture just now so I can get that table out of my house at some point.

Anyway, though, mid-conversation, the therapist was like, "have you ever heard of smorkles?" and i was like "i'm -- what? smorkles?" and she was excited and was like "oh this one will be so good for you!" and i was like "Sporkles? Smorkles? I'm not sure i"m hearing you, can you spell that" and she proceeded to spell out the word "smart" which

yes I do know about SMART goals actually, they are a management technique from the 80s that my dude uses extensively in his job as a staff engineer (which is like management but not quite) in his very corporate job at a very large software company, and he had laid out the criteria for me very earnestly once on a walk. so i do in fact know about them but not how to really apply that to my own life, and would need to figure out how to break that down, and i need a lot more steps than 'find a pen' and 'buy The Notebook That's Gonna Turn Your Life Around' to make that work.

but anyway.

i've decided now that smorkles are my new technique. and yes also smart goals but I think I'm going to call it "smorkles" because then I can make memes about my commitment to smorkle motion etc.

i need to figure out what SMORKLE is an anagram for. er, not anagram. the other thing.

[bougiebutchbinch]

clicked on ur blog from the awesome surgical theatre post and saw that u don't practice as much now adays bc of disabilities! if u ever want to write about it, i'd be interested in hearing what it's like to be disabled in the healthcare field bc i don't see it being feasible for me but it's lowkey a dream

Healthcare is honestly an AMAZING career!

For... some disabilities.

If you're autistic and have adhd but aren't SUPER sensitive to Lots Of Sensory Stimuli (it is. very noisy. and very bright. and everything stinks) it is the best field I have ever found for getting into the hyperfocus zone while also flitting between a million tasks at once!

But on the physical side... it's gruelling, ngl.

I have a million Reasonable Adjustments in place. Half the time they get ignored because of understaffing, and I have to put my own very fragile body at risk to help patients. That's entirely because of shitty management, but I've heard it's a pretty endemic problem.

Also because of understaffing, if you have a lot of sick days, it's a problem. It shouldn't be your problem, but it winds up being that - again, because of shitty management.

I'm very, very lucky in that I am incredibly driven to do the ridiculous necessary amounts of physio/take all my meds/do everything 'right' as a patient. It's kept me working in the field far longer than I would've been able to, but it's also Very Fucking Difficult and does require, for want of a better word, a grindset.

I have a specific five-year plan that will get me into what is essentially a desk job, but where I can still make all the diagnoses (and hopefully still have some patient communication T^T) that I love. I've been told by my specialists that I might not even have five years where I'm able to walk even at a stagger and use my arms, but uhhhh. We'll worry about that when we get to it, lol.

If all else fails, I will become The Enemy (a manager) and pray that the hospital I'm moving to is more accessible to staff than my current one. Where the managers' officers are all up a steep flight of stairs and you literally cannot reach them by lift. Because fuck disabled people I guess.

All in all: yolo attitude mixed with reasonable expectations and strong ambitions/drive will get you far! But like. It's difficult. Really fucking difficult. I won't lie. I don't regret it, and I genuinely LOVE working in healthcare - it energises me and I have a passion for it that I've never felt for anything else except writing!

But if you're considering this career as a disabled person, I think you need to be very realistic with yourself regarding not just your own physical capabilities, but what reasonable adjustments will actually be put in place and how management will try and skirt around them. Shit sucks but it's reality, and at the end of the day, the patients are your priority.

You shouldn't be put in a position where you have to choose between your health and theirs, but you might be. What decision would you make in that scenario? I think that's a good question to ask yourself, before you take the plunge!

[madlificent]

EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS/DONATIONS - Carrd link below!

Carrd Link for Commission Info! Hello, everyone. My partner and I have recently had our bank accounts drained by stupid US bureaucracy. My husband got injured at work in November, it took him two months to start getting care and consistent worker's comp payments and at the start of the year we were getting charged for insurance that we weren't even eligible for because of a minor -but massive in effect- clerical error. We were losing $550 out of his already small compensation payments, putting us at $35 a pay period. As you can imagine, we have all but run out of money. My husband has called and harassed HR to get the insurance problem fixed, stressing the issue of us being nearly bankrupt, but all we can do is wait and hope they actually fix it this time. And since they decided to make us continue paying for the insurance for the time being, we are still getting practically nothing for comp payments.

So, what this all means is that we have less than a month's worth of funds in our bank. With our medication costs (we're both trans, depressed, and ADHD so we need our meds), rent, utilities, student loan payments and gas payments for my husband to go out of town for PT, we will be broke within a month. I am loathe to ask for money right now, but to be honest we don't have many options. I want to provide something if I can, hence stressing my commissions, however we honestly need anything we can get. We have been selling what we can and I have been trying to hunt for a job, but it's been difficult as an anxious, autistic, and honestly terrified transwoman living in a red state. Know that this is our last resort and we don't make the decision to call out for money lightly.

If you just want to donate, my cashapp is $madlificent or you can send donations via my Ko-fi page.

My husband is also doing emergency commissions if his style is more your jam (he's super talented you should check him out). We do not plan for this to be a recurring thing and we will 1000% update you when things are back on even footing. But for now, we are asking for help and would appreciate anything anyone can spare.

Warmest thanks,

Maddie <3

[11vein]

strawpage answer dump #2

hello. as always u can always send me things via my tumblr askbox or my strawpage for now. check out my faq first too

i personally am not too scared of it! fellow artists online are very vigilant about stolen works, so you will be safe and defended if it ever happens to you. if it ever happens, i recommend trying to resolve it private first though before calling it out publicly (consider it more of a last resort). it hasn't happened to me much (that i've noticed), and when it has i have tried to resolve the situation privately. i understand it can be nerve wracking to post your work to the internet because of this though!

thank you ^_^ !! i really wanna use chis-a and eri on future songs, (also yi xi again , her voice is just too good)... i also really wanna use a masc voicebank like noa hex or riku! i think my ultimate goal... (although controversial) i really want to use acme iku!!!! specifically her original maidloid version. i have a real physical copy of her! though i'd have to get better at vocal editing first probably....

hmm i think this is okay!! i do not have any refs or name or anything for that character though, they were kinda drawn as a one-off but i do have the design in my head and i wanna reuse it in the future for something. feel free to draw them in ur school project :]

( some context i asked on twitter if i should make comics of my ocs) THATS GOOD TO HEAR... i am so busy with commissioned work and other stuff but when i am finally free from the dungeon i will have to...

it's hard to say... but i do know i will probably be making things by myself in the future and focusing more on my solo work once the bulk of my commissioned work/collabed projects are out

thank you!!! honestly....... i struggle with it really bad especially as of late. i don't have much advice other than: IF YOU HAVE ADHD GET MEDICATED NOW!!!!!!! YOU MUST!!!!!!!!!!!!! (turns out most of the time the reason i cant do anything is because i need stimulants to function bc of my adhd ass) . actually thats a lie i do have more advice. but that is my major one. genuinely just try and let yourself work freely and not to fit yourself into a specific mold (experiment and dont focus on trying to be "one thing"), and let yourself do little indulgences on the side while you work on other things to keep you motivated. in between private projects right now i do little OC doodles as a treat for myself :] another tip is to allow yourself to "finish" something you've started. whether it came out exactly as you want, if you keep abandoning things it'll become a habit. so even if you dont make a perfectly rendered illustration and even if it doesnt come out how you want, if you can finish the piece in a way that you can go "this is good enough", you'll build up that drive to finish things. Obviously you don't want to half-ass everything but you don't want to overthink and give up on everything either. It's finding the right spot of ambitiousness and streamlining your work that gets the motivation working for me.... (and meds)

[docholligay]

Oh you don't need to say this in jest, I am super-aware of this about myself to the point that I'm really cautious about new drugs.

both behind a cut and unrebloggable because I don't want to get axe murdered

Because this is hidden to some extent, I'm just gonna say this shit the annoying way. I don't have time or energy to try and couch this 87 ways. If me saying anything about ADHD is going to annoy you, bail out now. My opinions are for me and you're allowed to feel different about it. Good day.

So the diagnostic criteria for ADHD has been greatly expanded since I was a kid, and was diagnosed. So, some of the things that used to be common in ADHD people aren't as much anymore, because of a much wider pool with different behaviors.

These kind of pharmaceutical contradictions were not considered uncommon at all in ADHD kids--especially in ADHD kids, which, back then, were different from ADD kids--and I was diagnosed with severe ADHD*.) When my mom was like, "I can't give her benadryl or she'll burn the house down' my doctor was like, "Oh yeah. That'll happen." I had a professor who moved like me, and talked like me, and it was very game-recognize-game, and one day he came to glass and was talking about how he had some elderflower tea for his cold, because "I can't take cough syrup, it makes me confused and strange. I don't know why!" and I, wide-eyed, sat there thinking, 'I bet I know why"

It's why you can basically give ADHD kids meth and it makes them calm. It's why I use caffeine to sit still. My wife doesn't even like it when I take adhd meds because it basically turns me into a completely different, very calm, very still, quiet person**

Anyway, this has been a thing my whole life and really doesn't bother me except for the fact that I really really really wish we sold JUST codeine cough syrup in the US, because it's one of the few cough suppressants that doesn't send me to fucking Mars.

*which I think they call impulsive type now, or something? I have no fucking clue. I am not a 'scrolling through phone doesn't like cleaning' type I am a 'Never stops moving, gets into fights all the time' type. I am a 'statistically significant increase in mortality rate due to insane risk seeking behavior*** and never stopping to think about anything ever' type. Though I also do hate cleaning. That's legit.

**I AM NOT OFFERING A REFERENDUM ON YOUR OWN USE OR FEELINGS ABOUT IT. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. IT'S NONE OF MY AFFAIR.

***boy do I have stories that'd curl your hair.

[actuallyadhd]

Why do my ADHD meds only help in making me able to get up every morning, instead of actually doing something for my ADHD symptoms?

After Ritalin didn't work at all, my psychiatrist put me on Vyvanse (50mg). I've been taking it for at least two years now, and it helped me beyond belief. But not in a 'aiding in concentration' way, instead, the only thing they do is not letting me go into a catatonic state all day.

Whenever I'm off my meds, I return to the same condition I was in before starting them: I can barely get up. It's a fatigue so intense I literally cannot do anything but the very basic, let alone study. I honestly cannot tell you how I survived so many years without it.

Yet, no matter how much they improve my quality of life (and though my sensory issues got more manageable), they don't do anything to aid in my studies. I still cannot focus on tasks, nor manage my hyperactivity (be it in a physical or mental level). I still get executive dysfunction, talk too much and too loud, can't sit still, have no restraint or self-control and am basically still the same inattentive, agitated person I always was. Am I just in a too-low dose, or there's something else wrong with me?

(Crossposted from Reddit. Sorry if this is too long, and feel free to take as long as you need to answer this!)

Sent December 8, 2023

There are a lot of different reasons this may be happening, and the first one that comes to mind is that your dose may be too low.

There is another aspect that's important, and that is the need to manage your expectations.

Medication doesn't make all of your ADHD symptoms go away. It doesn't make you neurotypical. It doesn't magically give you the skills you never learned due to ADHD stuff.

It sounds like you have quite severe ADHD (hi! Same here!), which makes every single little thing harder. But here's the Really Simplified Explanation about how meds help.

Let's say that a person's overall functioning can be rated on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is "completely neurotypical" and 10 is "completely non-functional".

Given this, your unmedicated ADHD is at a 7 or 8, and it sounds like your medication is pulling you to around a 5, or maybe a 4. This sounds awful, but what it does is give you the ability to actually learn the skills you need so that you stand a chance of being slightly more functional when you're off your meds.

The other part of this is that the Big Four (sleep, diet, exercise, & stress) also affect your functioning, and if any of them is out of whack then your medication won't be able to help as much. So having something screwing with you may put you at a 9, and then your meds will only be able to get you to a 6.

Things that may help with the issues you've listed here include active breaks, fidget toys, and lots of routines. We have lots of information about all of these here, but if you want specific information about any of it please feel free to ask.

Followers, what do you think about this situation? Do you have any advice?

-J

[edendawg]

hello! I am a 23 year old self-employed, disabled, transmasc creative living in the us faced with rent and bills I can't pay due to “unemployment” and refusal of disability payments by state and federal government. i need to raise money and get a job asap because I don't have enough to pay to survive.

rest of description and health update below the cut ↓

I need to raise/ make $250 USD before the end of January, and I'm hoping at least half of that can come from donations, as with recent developments, I'm in a near complete shutdown. it's hard to do anything because my brain is making my body go into survival mode, and I'm constantly bombarded with body pain and headaches and nausea. I'm scared for my friends. family, and myself, and want to give up

I make art and write poetry full time, but marketing with no way to pay for advertising online doesn't get me very far, so please share this if you can. I have some examples of my work available and more if you shoot me a message, but my creative skills are mainly in freewritten poetry, acrylic painting, mix media collage/ collage poetry, anthro character design and artwork, graphic design/ logo work, and minimal web design (not the coding side, but like wix and such). I'm also experienced in tech writing, blog/ article writing, customer service, sales, and more.

I am offering lowered rates on all custom work for a limited time, with traditional media pay rates dropping from $70/hr to $45/hr and digital media from sliding scale $30-50/hr to a flat $25/hr. I'll run discounts on any finished pieces that spark interest. I don't have an hourly rate for poetry, I'd do something like $5/15 lines or send a document with 5 premade poems for $5

if you have any leads for remote work, or you yourself could use some load lightened that you could pay me to do, please reach out. my state's minimum wage is $15/hr, but depending on the work, I'd be hoping to work closer to $20/hr based on experience and education. I really only need to make $150 a week to survive, so a part time gig or two would help me at least afford food, bills, meds, and doctors

thank you for sharing and supporting me at this time. donation links available on request, message here or DM floraternum on discord for more information

--

--

physical & mental health cw!!↓

as far as my health goes, I have a bug right now, my tummy is uncooperative, my head hurts all the time, my back and neck and hands hurt all the time. this on top of the aches I'm always dealing with, it's rough. and between my anxiety about the anti trans stuff going in in the us and tension and problems on this planet, the OCD, autism, ADHD, bipolar, etc are all aligning to make the most unbearable and just LOUD depression of my recent memory. brain is just a lot to deal with and I don't know how I'm supposed to support myself through much more than surviving rn.