#I am often nauseous at work but never to this extent

[llycaons]

damn. really hope I don't throw up at work but at least then I'll get to go home. probably

[clunelover]

I’m one of those “can’t feed myself for some reason, executive function at negative a billion when it comes to, like, deciding what is for lunch, will mull what to eat while getting hungrier and hungrier until I become nauseous and thus unappetized from being so hungry” dummies (I know @queenconqueso gets it).

Anyway, Jeremy has been super sweet about this - he can’t cook but he loves to feed me when he can. During my recent episode he just had to bring me food without any input from me and make sure I ate it. This has continued lately even though I’m more stable, if he’s making himself a lunch he’ll just bring me some (in bed on a tray if I happen to be in bed which I often am after working super concertedly for four hours). He just brought me up a pan friend Costco pupusa (amazing, better than they have any right to be, filled with beef and cheese and I’ve never encountered any fatty bits in the beef) and carrot sticks and I was so grateful I got tearful and then I thought about how soon he’ll be back to work and can’t just be my loving lunch butler and I got very sad indeed!

Idk what the point of this post is really, other than those pupusas are good and I recommend them, and also it’s a real kick in the pants to be so bad at eating (and also fat, I mean it’s fine to be fat but it’s just people would never guess the extent to which I DONT eat).

[callipraxia]

As long as I live, I will never understand why there is such a disconnect between what Guerlain’s Shalimar is to me and what it is generally perceived as/apparently supposed to be. We all agree that there is vanilla in it, but that’s pretty much the extent of the agreement between what my nose reads and what, apparently, everyone else’s nose reads there.

When I smell Shalimar, I smell two things: lavender on a base of vanilla. Beauty writer Sali Hughes has described Chanel No. 5 as “backbone in a bottle” and like a “strict and impossibly glamorous aunt,” and that’s how I read Shalimar. The vanilla is comforting, the lavender note austere. I imagine Whatever It Is I’m Smelling as exactly the kind of thing I could imagine Peggy Carter wearing after the War in the sadly prematurely cancelled Agent Carter TV show - elegant, no-nonsense, and rather English. It’s the perfect scent for days when I want to get in a very firm frame of mind.

Meanwhile, here is what the folks at Guerlain, who ought to know, have to say about Shalimar:

Apparently, when Shalimar was first released, it was considered scandalously sexy and seductive. Almost an aphrodisiac. A generally well-respected perfume critic (though I personally…don’t really see eye-to-eye with the guy very often) also says that Shalimar has “intensely smoky” and “huge animalic” notes. For the uninitiated, “animalic notes” is perfume-speak for “probably bears a distinct resemblance to either urine or feces.” It can refer to a fur smell or sweat or such, but nine times out of ten, it means it smells like you trapped a cat in a small room all day and forgot to put a litter box in there. Apparently, these notes are supposed to make people think about sex and then want to have some. I find this claim incredible and disturbing, but I’m asexual, so…yeah. In any event, though, it continues the official description’s theme of “this perfume is sexy.” Everyone also agrees that it has no lavender.

I…if I squint really, really hard, I guess I can see how my nose might have taken bergamot and iris notes in at the same time and somehow twisted the combination into “lavender.” Maybe. It sure just smells like straight-up English lavender to me, but maybe. For the life of me, though, I can’t smell anything that brings up the least hint of smoke or a dirty litter box, or even a warm furry friend. I have lived all my life with dogs and currently have a cat, so I feel I am definitely qualified to spot a fur note, and I know I’m not generally anosmic to scents that resemble smoke or bodily wastes, both of which are prominent on my list of “nope” notes when it comes to perfumes - I love the smell of woodsmoke in reality, but I can’t get along with it well in fragrance, somehow. So what in the world is going on when it comes to me and Shalimar???

I would be tempted to assume my nose just isn’t in full working order, and one of my other cosmetic experiences recently could be construed as evidence for that idea. I got a new container of the foundation I wore in high school this week and tried it on today, remembering fondly that I always looked good in it despite how much I disliked the smell of it - it’s L’Oreal True Match Mineral Gentle Mineral Makeup, and L’Oreal cosmetics all seem to have this smell that I find intently offputting. I hated it in my foundation in high school, especially since I could never get completely nose-blind to it and would catch whiffs of it on and off all day, and as an adult, I discovered it was so much stronger in L’Oreal lipstick that I cannot wear L’Oreal lipsticks. The L’Oreal Smell is a lot like the violet smell: I can tell they should be pleasant, but something about them makes me nauseous for no obvious reason. Today, though, I tried on the mineral makeup and…I smelled nothing. No L’Oreal whang, no mineral-y smells, nothing. It’s a bit eerie, if I’m to be honest. However, I also smelled some other cosmetics today and they wer exactly as expected, and I could smell my tea and my mother’s fresh blueberry bread just fine too, so maybe L’Oreal just did everyone with a nose like mine a huge favor and reformulated at some point in the past fifteen years. And I have almost never just failed to agree with the basic consensus on what the dominant notes of a perfume are except in this one case - we might disagree about whether a smell is good or not (a major perfume writer apparently enjoys pee-like animalic notes but despises my mother’s signature scent; I, er, keep a sample of Mama’s perfume around to sniff when my anxiety starts getting out of hand, but am pretty sure I’d consider it a pleasant smell even if I didn’t have that added association going on with it), but we could agree that “this smells vaguely of pee” and “that has some muguet thing going on.” Shalimar, however, is different apparently.

I keep battling the temptation to acquire samples of Shalimar from multiple sources, just to test against my own bottle. I bought said bottle from Macy’s, so I have no reason to suspect it is a counterfeit, but this is all just…odd. Since that would involve more of a financial outlay than I currently consider the issue worth, though, I just take the safe route and mostly only wear Shalimar to bed, where the lavender note I perceive seems to help me sleep after I’m done grumbling to myself about how irksome it is that my calm-down perfume is apparently everyone else’s bow-chika-bow-wow perfume and how I therefore worry about wearing it in public, where I could really do with feeling like I had a strict and impossibly glamorous aunt at my back for support most of the time. As for Chanel No. 5? To me, Chanel No. 5 smells exactly like Johnson’s baby powder…and nothing else. Pleasant enough, but sort of cheap-smelling and something which lacks the austere note I need to go along with the cuddly notes.

And thus I go on, enjoying perfume immensely but always feeling like someone awkwardly standing outside a conversation at a party when it comes to the perfume community. I don’t think Shalimar is the least bit oriental or Suggestive, and I have yet to smell any Chanel perfume I particularly liked. Indeed, they are more likely to give me headaches than pleasure, and I actually recoiled from what is supposedly one of the very best one time. I ain’t cut out for life in Perfume Town, I guess.

[unioncolours]

Fic: CLEAR

Genre: Fluff, slice of life, this has barely a plot

Pairing: implied Shikajin

Lenght: 2,2k

Inojin notices Shikadai behaves oddly. Something is not right and Inojin is determined to find out what it is, and help him when needed.

Alternatively: This is a brainworm that has lived in my head since April 2020. You’re welcome. 

Please read down below and keep reading! 🖤

 CLEAR

They were sitting out in the meadow bordering to the Nara Forest, just talking about this and that, passing time, like they liked to do, just the two of them.

It was a beautiful day in Konoha and Inojin enjoyed this afternoon immensely. He finished the juice they had with them, swallowing the final drop of liquid, as some guests peeked out of the edge of the forest a bit away from them.

Two deer.

Inojin liked the deer. Not the same extent the Naras did, but he found them beautiful to look at. That was why he became so excited when he saw the brown animals sniffing the fresh spring air out in the open.

“Look!” Inojin whispered, looking at the deer. He didn’t dare pointing at them, in case his movement would spook them.

Shikadai looked up and stared. Just stared. He didn’t say anything, just let his gaze wander along the line of trees. Inojin looked at him, waiting for a response.

It didn’t come.

Shikadai’s wrinkle between his eyebrows let Inojin know he was confused.

“The deer,” Inojin said and pointed at them. “Over there. By the big tree.”

Shikadai stared some more before breaking out in a smile.

“Aaah,” he said. “Yes. They are brave when they come out here. Normally they hide inside.” He nudged Inojin gently. “They’ve gotten so used to you, since you come here so often as well.”

He laid down flat on his back, closing his eyes. Inojin looked at him, feeling a little but concerned by the weird reaction. Shikadai’s peaceful face was however enough to calm him down. Maybe he just had been a little bit tired. Inojin followed him down on the ground and let his eyes close as well.

  The next time Inojin noticed Shikadai was behaving oddly was when they watched TV. There was a humour show going on, where the participants had signs with funny text written on them, and even the funniest jokes didn’t immediately warrant a laugh from Shikadai. The laugh came delayed, after Inojin had laughed and after the narrator read the signs out loud and Inojin found that odd.

And after that he found a lot of different moments that only served as proof to his theory. Shikadai didn’t tell hi to friends who walked the opposite direction towards before it was almost too late and both Inojin and Chocho noticed training didn’t go as well as before. This behaviour spanned on for a couple of weeks, before Inojin finally decided to confront him.

“Can you read what it says on that sign?”

They were out on a market square and Inojin had spotted a sign for a teashop a bit away from them, golden text against black metal. It seemed like the perfect text to test Shikadai.

“Which sign?” Shikadai sounded indifferent.

“The teashop sign,” Inojin said. He followed carefully how Shikadai’s eyes darted across all the signs along the streets. He didn’t seem to find the sign. “Black and gold,” Inojin helped even more.

“I don’t know,” Shikadai finally muttered. “I can’t see the sign you’re referring to.”

Inojin grabbed Shikadai’s arm and gently dragged him with him.

“Tell me when you see it,” he said, and they walked closer and closer to the sign. Inojin waited with anticipation for the moment when Shikadai would see the golden text.

“There,” Shikadai said when they were close to the sign. “Golden Leaf – Tea Shop.”

“Yes,” Inojin said. He took a deep breath before opening his mouth. “You know, I saw this text from where we were standing at first. It was sharp and clear from the very start.”

Shikadai was quiet for a while and Inojin gave him all the room to puzzle through the reality.

“It’s not normal to not see it sharply before at this length from it,” Inojin continued softly. “You don’t see things well far away, isn’t that right?”

Shikadai stared up at the sign, clearly irritated at it.

“I guess,” he finally muttered. He sounded angry. Defeated. He turned around to walk back to where they had walked from.

“It’s easily fixed,” Inojin said, trying to level down the situation. He followed Shikadai, who had his eyes steadily fixed on something invisible in front of him. “Hey. Talk to me.”

“This is just so troublesome,” Shikadai muttered.

“But easily fixed,” Inojin continued, on purposely sounding light-hearted. Shikadai shrugged. “Are you embarrassed?”

“Dunno,” Shikadai said.

“You seem like it,” Inojin said. “It’s fine. It is nothing weird to wear glasses. Sarada does it.”

“Sarada has worn them since she was like three years old,” Shikadai retorted, as if that was the only allowed age to have decreased eyesight if one was younger than fifty.

“And it doesn’t matter,” Inojin continued. “What matters is that you don’t seem to see things like deer in your own forest. That we have managed missions so far is a miracle. What if you get hurt because you didn’t see something approaching you, or someone in camo clothing? And what if your eyesight continues worsen? What then?”

Shikadai pressed his hands down his pockets, annoyed, but he knew Inojin was right. He didn’t see faces of people standing further away from him. Animals disappeared for him among the green and brown of forests, the colours blurring together. He couldn’t always read texts in the tv if he didn’t sit closer than the sofa.

He could work around his weakness, and it had worked thus far, but it only worked so far and so long. Soon he’d begin to suffer from not seeing. The worst part was the colours blurring together. Roots in the ground weren’t as visible anymore and he had tripped a few times.

“I’ll talk to my parents,” Shikadai finally said.

“Good,” Inojin said.

   Shikadai stared out of the window while eating dinner with his parents. He saw a big lump of green from the trees, individual leaves not existing for him, only a big green cloud with blurred edges. He stared at the blurry edge, feeling angry, because why wouldn’t his eyes make them sharp again like they once had been?

“Dad,” he finally said, accepting defeat. “I don’t think I see that well anymore.”

Both Shikamaru and Temari looked up.

“What do you mean?” Temari asked.

“I can’t… see things far away,” Shikadai said. “Like the leaves outside.” Both his parents looked out of the window at the leaves in question. “They’re all blurry. I can’t see deer in our forest. I can’t read signs if they’re not close to me.”

For some reason he had expected them to be disappointed. Disappointed in him and his body for not following the perfect shinobi mould. Instead, they offered empathic glances.

“How long have you noticed this going on?” Shikamaru asked gently.

“I don’t know,” Shikadai said. “It’s not like you notice when it happens. Probably for months. All of a sudden it hits you that you can’t see. And I’ve tried to work around it, tried to ignore it and make up alternative ways of working where sharp eyesight isn’t necessary so no one would know. I thought I could defeat it on my own, you know. But I don’t think I can anymore.”

To his surprise, Shikamaru just shook his head fondly and chuckled.

“Awfully stubborn as usual,” he said. “You should have told us as soon as you noticed something was up. It’s okay, Shikadai. Let’s appoint a time for you to an eye doctor and get it checked.”

Shikadai sighed, not knowing how to feel. Partly relieved that he would get to see well again, but also annoyed at having failed making this on his own.

He was a stubborn boy, but one that finally accepted his little weakness.

    “I want to come with you to choose your glasses!” Inojin pouted in the phone when Shikadai called him after the visit to the optician.

“No, I want to choose myself without your input,” Shikadai replied, voice filled with warmth, as he sipped a bit of the milkshake he had bought himself as a reward after the weird experience of having someone shining bright lights in his eyes and having him look at letters, red and green, dots and stripes through prisms and glasses. “I’ll go back to choose frames soon after my milkshake.”

“Choose something colourful!”

“Never,” Shikadai smiled to his phone, sipping some more. “You have to wait until your eyes suck as well.”

“What if mine never sucks?” Inojin teased.

“Hah ha,” Shikadai said dryly. “My milkshake is empty now. I’ll go back and choose some frames for me. They’ll come in a couple of weeks, whichever I choose.”

“You’re going to be so cute,” Inojin said and Shikadai blushed a bit.

“Bye,” he said and his voice sounded like a sunny smile.

   The couple of weeks rushed by. Shikadai lived in the world he was used to and that had become his normal, with leaves not visible and faces he couldn’t recognise. It was what he was used to, and he was a bit nervous as he walked into the opticians’ shop to fetch his glasses. Now something was going to change, he wasn’t going to have to squint all the time or accept some information was inaccessible for him.

And something was going to change about his appearance as well. He didn’t care about that part too much and was more concerned about other hassle that came with glasses.

His first thought when he got the glasses on was disappointment when he became hyper-focused on the black frames around his eyes. So, I am going to look at this all the time, huh? He even expressed his concerns and the optician promised him he’d get used to it and he’d forget they’re there. He’d even forget to feel them on his nose and around his ears. She warned him he could be dizzy or feel nauseous, but he just had to get used to see again without straining his eyes. Seemed fair.

Everything seemed okay and Shikadai walked out of the store, only to stop and just stare.

Everything was so clear. Edges were so sharp he wasn’t even able to comprehend this was normal and this was what the world looked like with a clear eyesight, something he now realised he hadn’t had for months. The depth of his surrounding felt different as well and he walked as in a daze, just staring around him through clear glass with the right adjustments and strength.

He had learned how to recognise Inojin even with the weakened sight of him – it was hard to miss the whirlwind with blond hair and most often purple clothes, but now he could look at Inojin’s features without standing close to him.

Shikadai could see Inojin’s face and despite him feeling like walking on clouds thanks to his depth perception feeling off when he just had everything corrected, he walked faster up to him. His own face cracked up in a smile.

“Hi, handsome,” Inojin said when he was closer. “Oh, they look really good!”

Shikadai put his hand instinctively up and touched the temple pieces. It still felt very new and odd.

“Hehe, thanks,” he said. “Do I look smarter now?”

“You look gorgeous as always,” Inojin said. “Milkshakes?”

“Yeah,” Shikadai said, still feeling the glasses on the side of his face.

He spent the day marvelling at the world around him. Feeling shocked at the brightness, the everything he hadn’t known he was missing out on. The milkshake tasted extra good, despite his head feeling weird from the new perception of his surroundings. It helped also that Inojin smiled to him in that terribly sweet way all the time.

   Two deer were peacefully munching on the grass and Shikadai was sitting on the other side of the river. He observed them while aimlessly touching his face, feeling what would become his new normal and every day. He could see them sharply, every thine on their antlers clear as they’ve never been before-

His parents had taken a look at him and nodded affirmatively when he had come home with the added aid to his face, but they had not drawn any attention to it. Shikadai was grateful for it. This was nothing spectacular after all, just a new look on him and nothing more. When he had gotten used to the glasses, and he took them off before bed or a shower, he couldn’t understand he had once been satisfied with blur around him.

“How many deer do you see?” Inojin asked.

“Three,” Shikadai snorted back at him.

“Good,” Inojin said. “Was just gonna check if you’re eyes work.”

“I hate you,” Shikadai jokingly said and affectionally pushed Inojin.

“Have I told you how good you look in those?” Inojin asked, through a little laugh.

“I don’t need to look good; I need to see!” Shikadai replied, knowing well that Inojin had been staring at him nonstop since a few weeks back when he received his spectacles the first time.

“Sure thing you do, sure thing,” Inojin said and leaned against Shikadai, lacing their fingers together as the deer peacefully kept munching on.

 The End

[magpie-69]

DO NOT RE-BLOG THIS POST & PLEASE DON'T MESSAGE ME EITHER! I HAVEN'T THE ENERGY TO RESPOND AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. THANK YOU.

I am tired. And very down in spirit. Some of you will know that I'm suffering a rectal prolapse as I've posted about it before. It's not a pleasant subject to talk about and it's definitely not something I'd even wish upon my worst enemy.

Living with this condition is hard. Extremely fucking hard! Physically and mentally. The physical difficulties have been on going for about 4 years now. They've gradually got worse as time has gone on. Last year was a veritable fuckfest of suffering with the very long work hours I was doing. That's when I began to really suffer the mental fallout. My job involves standing/walking/lifting/pulling all day long. If I had a sit-down job it would be better because when sat the pressure on the rectum helps to keep it inside the body, where it belongs. It also keeps accidents to a minimum. But unfortunately, that isn't so. My average work day consists of constant leaking and many accidents. The physical effects of the prolapse extend to shaking, sweating, feeling nauseous and weak and getting nappy (diaper) rash. I don't actually wear a nappy. That would be far too costly and what the hell am I supposed to do with the spoiled ones while at work?! So instead I fashion a thick & wide pad out of toilet roll which I can then flush down the toilet when I have an accident, or the leaking has made it useless. On average I have to replace it every hour or two, but it can be much more frequent than that. Being an adult who can't control their bowels is bad enough, but I've just about coped with that. However, being an adult who has nappy rash? That shit I'm struggling with. It's not just the pain, please believe me, it's very unpleasant indeed. It's when it's particularly bad and I've no choice but to go to the works toilet every 1/2 hour to wash myself and apply Sudocrem to help ease the discomfort. To my bosses credit, they never say anything about that, but it's also possible they're not aware I'm going so often. But, I know I am and I feel bad about it. I feel frustrated, embarrassed and like I have no quality of life anymore. When I left work yesterday, instead of turning right to go home, I turned left. That took me to the top of the hill where there's a reservoir. I parked up in the lay-by and watched the sunlight dance on the water. It was serene and beautiful and it's one of my favourite places. I wished I had a hosepipe in the car to end it all. Then I cried until I fell asleep. In my car. In the middle of nowhere. I woke up an hour later and went home. I have no desire to die but this situation is becoming intolerable. I'm a strong person but I'm finding this harder and harder to cope with. I love my children and they are the only people who are keeping me from ending it (they don't truly know the extent of it). I pray that's a strong enough reason to help see me through to my operation. Whenever that might be. I don't care anymore about seeming weak to others. They have no idea what this is like. I am, when all's said and done, an adult baby. Thanks for listening 🙏

2nd April 2021

[lazyyogi]

I saw your recent post about the body and "not being your body." I would really appreciate it if I could hear your take on chronic illness. I have Sjogrens and often suffer from joint pain and fatigue. I have recently gone off of plaquenil - and though I feel less shakey, nauseous, and foggy in the head - I may have to try another medication because of my inflammation. I have refined my diet and am taking supplements, I am always looking for the best ways possible to improve my condition. I dont know people my age (20) who have these issues, but the friends I have are all very supportive. It has just been very taxing psychologically, especially with stress contributing to my flares. How does one reach peace of mind when living with something incurable at the present? How may one find spiritual comfort when living with pain you know won't go away?

In 2014 during my premedical post-baccalaureate program, something happened to me that I can’t quite explain. Even now with my medical education, I can’t understand it. One night both of my knees locked out and even after they eventually released, they remained inflamed and exquisitely painful. 

Not long after, I started experiencing pain in my back. It would sometimes travel down my arms or shoot down my legs. I went to doctors, I tried physical therapy, chiropractors, and acupuncture. Very little helped. I’m wondering if it was some form of kundalini syndrome.

These symptoms persisted for a year. It totally disrupted my meditation practice to the point in which I had just given up on being able to sit. I had a year off between that premed program and starting medical school and fortunately the symptoms largely went away after that. However, my knees have never been the same. 

I can appreciate your struggle. Any chronic condition can become maddening.

A spiritual practice I wish I had known about at that time is called Somatic Meditation. It’s a bit genius, really. In simple sitting meditation, we focus and relax and be present. Whether good or bad thoughts come doesn’t matter. They come, they go, the emphasis is on that which does not come or go. The more patient and relaxed and focused you are, the more that fundamental ground of awareness becomes obvious. When that awareness becomes tangible, the thoughts and feelings that come and go become less important. You stop trying to reject some and cling to others and instead can allow the full experience of both without being confused by either. 

Somatic meditation is similar to this except the focus is on inhabiting the body fully. The sensation of the body can be likened to the thoughts in our head. Sometimes those sensations feel good, sometimes they feel awful. But there is a space in which those feelings come and go and yet that space is not changed by the comings and goings. It is also the space of awareness. That is when you begin to understand how you are not the body. 

“The body” is the sum total of your sensory experiences. How your joints feel, what your mood is like, any pains or restrictions, and so on. These are all sensory phenomena. Just like how thoughts are mental phenomena. 

Somatic meditation can be helpful in finding a new relationship with your sensory phenomena, how you can remain present in your whole body and have enough space for whatever its sensorium is reflecting in that moment. You aren’t any of these things, you are that which knows them, that awareness. Of course, this is only useful to the extent that you discover and experience it for yourself. Hence it requires daily practice.

Belonging Here and The Enlightenment Process by Judith Blackstone are two books on somatic meditation that I would highly recommend. However there is a growing number of these teachings and you can probably find something appealing to you by googling. 

Lastly, I will say that you are not alone. Quite the opposite. There is a significant community of individuals living with chronic illness and pain. They are a wonderful resource for support and guidance. Finding out what worked for others and what insights they might share will save you a lot of time and struggle. Many of these individuals identify themselves with the term “spoonie” named after spoon theory. It’s worth looking into. 

Namaste my friend :) Much love. May you find relief in peace. 

[obscureoperations]

Idk if this is what you meant by weird stuff but here this is: I am currently in the dead of shark week and I feel like shit. Could you write a small drabble about Martin taking care of/comforting a trans male s/o while he's on his period? Maybe Martin like idk 👉👈 calls him handsome or smth 🥺 (And keep it sfw plz?) Thank you!!

Sorry for the late responce. I had a long day and actually wanted to type out a "dialogue"

That is the worst! Sorry man, it'll all soon pass. It's just a physical responce, has nothing to do with who you actually are.

~

At times Martin couldn’t believe he had met someone like you… he would talk, and you actually listen. You were one of the first people in his life who actually made him feel like he was important. You entered his life in a breeze, he could still remember the moment you walked into Cuda’s shop. His eyes were all on you as you skimmed through the various aisles. Something about you made it almost impossible to look away, you browsed the shelves as if you had all the time in the world.

Much to his embarrassment, Cuda was already off on one, urging him to pick his jaw up from the ground. He shoved a broom into his hand, urging him to either sweep or go home. You were always the first person to defend him, that day in the shop was the first of many. He stood at the counter, shaking like a leaf with barely enough courage to look you in the face. Cuda stood behind him, watching his every move, apologizing to you for his employee’s lack of manners.

“I think he’s doin just fine sir… If anything, you need to give this guy a raise.”

His eyes snapped to your face immediately, time enough for you to shoot him a playful wink. He was smitten.

You came into the shop all the time, the two of you seemed to click right off the bat. He found himself looking forward to the moment you stepped in, he had actually finally made a friend.

He thought about you … alot. And the word was mostly an understatement. As he’d sit at home, perched at the windowsill after dinner… he often wondered what you were doing. He wanted to see you. The two of you had become fast friends, you kept him company during his lunch break. You took him around town, to some of the local cafes… despite living there longer, he had no idea those places even existed. The two of you would bum around the park whenever he got off work, and you actually had a day off.

A crush. He actually had a crush on you… the idea didn’t hit as hard as he expected. Despite the fact of being raised in a staunchly Catholic home, everything about being with you felt so natural. He told you things, you told him things… the extent of his confessions were mostly about his sickness. Yours were about how you moved to Braddock to start over. Here you could actually be yourself.

Martin never really picked or pried, you told him things over time. From what he understood, you had a condition… one that required you to take these shots. Once the two of you actually entered a relationship, he had no problem administering them himself. He was really careful with needles.

He loved how happy you seemed to be the days following, every day you seemed to become more and more comfortable in your skin. He was elated, as much joy as you brought him every day, at times, you’d seem to get extremely down.

It was only for a few days out of the month, but during that time, he was always at a loss. He wanted to help you as you’ve always helped him… but didn’t want to mess up and do the wrong thing.

He made frequent trips to the library and by now, he seemed to have a bit of a better idea what was going on. You never liked to talk about it. You apparently had a curse of your own to deal with. That was something that he could completely understand. All he could do during those times was sit back and listen for whatever you needed him to do.

Oftentimes there was nothing, you never liked to be a bother. You never liked to draw any more attention to what was happening to your body. Still, Martin would wait patiently along your side, prepared to do whatever it is that might make you more comfortable. As of now, you were curled up on the couch watching “spook-a-thon” on channel 6.

Martin stood poised over the counter, absentmindedly chewing at his thumbnail. . He was supposed to be making lunch, you were really hungry and needed something in your stomach. He had placed two tablets of aspirin in your hand before tossing you a coke from the fridge. He didn’t want to risk you getting nauseous now. He settled on whipping up a couple of sandwiches.

He could hear your groan of aggravation over the commercials, and began to pick up the pace. He offered to grab the heating pad from upstairs, but apparently “you were fine…” He hated drawing attention to it, he always felt as though might think he was being condescending. He only wanted to help, but didn;t want to hover… the least he could do was feed you.

He turns on the faucet, briefly washing his hands once again. He reaches for the cupboard, pulling out the value sized bag of salt and vinegar chips. It was your favorite,he always made sure to have some on hand for whenever you might be feeling a bit down.

The plates were set, but he almost forgot the pickles, with a sigh he grabbed the jar from the fridge. As he placed it onto the counter suddenly he had an idea. He picks up the jar lightly taping it against the tiles. He sighs, almost audibly, before tapping it again.

“Babe!” he calls

Silence. Surely you couldn’t have fallen asleep. From the way it sounded, if you didn’t eat something soon, you seriously considered biting his head off.

“Y/n!” He calls again, just as you casually pad into the kitchen. You sleepily begin to rub at your eyes. You wore one of his somewhat over sized pajama tops. You looked adorable. According to you, his t-shirts always feel a bit more comfortable. Who was he to argue?

“What is it babe… the movie’s about to start up soon..”

Martin sighs dejectedly as he picks up the jar, prying at the top. “I can’t- I cant get the top off… I’ve tried…” He was practically yanking at the jar with his bare hands. He was about to slam it onto the tiles before you speak up...

“W-woah.. Easy now.. Don’t drop it!” You laugh.

“But-- I it’s-- not..” He was about to hit the jar along the side of the counter again before you step in.

“Hey come here, let me try..”

With a sigh, he reluctantly hands over the jar but not before mumbling “It’s just really tight…”

“M-hmm.. Okay sure.” You smirk…

“It might be expired.. Thats why its so airtight--”

<pop>

You stood there for a moment as though you were waiting for an award, as Martin’s jaw continues to gape.

“No way…” He shakes his head.

“Did you even turn it?!” You laugh stepping over to the counter, surveying the freshly made plates. They looked awesome, he even made sure to layer your sandwich with extra pieces of Swiss.

“I did!.. I almost shattered the lid!!”

“Sure okay…” you shrug, placing the now open jar onto the counter.

“Lunch looks real good, are you gonna finally sit down to join me?”

With a sigh, he reaches for the jar placing a few of them onto his plate, shaking off his fingers. “I guess… "

"Good! Martin, stop sulking...you loosened it up!"

"You have to say that..." He whispers as the two of you walk over to the couch.

"I do...you could jus--"

Your words are inturrupted as he lightly pecks you on the cheek.

"Thanks handsome.”

[hotchscotchh]

Reimagined

Hey y’all! This is going to be my first multichapter fic and I am excited :) I wasn’t sure what to call it, so I went with “Reimagined” because I guess that’s kind of what I’m attempting to do here? But that’s all fanfiction, really. This is mildly NSFW!

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Spencer Reid

Warnings: canon typical violence, kind of smut? I guess

Word Count: 1.7k

A special thanks to @Reidology for your beta-ing and support!

Read on AO3

Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

Based on 3x14, Damaged

Chester Hardwick. A serial killer that managed to take the lives of twenty-three women before he was caught. Hardwick had decided he was ready to talk, and Spencer Reid couldn’t have been more excited to get into this man’s mind. Hotch, on the other hand, was just plain angry, and for good reason. Haley was being completely unfair with this divorce. He figured if he had something else to focus on, the pain and anger would leave the forefront of his mind, at least momentarily.

None of that interview had gone as planned. Hotch had tried to fight Hardwick after the man revealed his plans of killing two FBI agents to get out of the death penalty, thinking maybe he could put his anger to good use. Reid, though, had been able to talk him down, and likely saved his superior’s life, talking and distracting Hardwick for the thirteen minutes they had before the guards returned.

Hotch was impressed. He’d never seen someone distract an unsub for that amount of time, let alone calm him down enough to deter his plan of killing so instantly. But a play on narcissism was always a strong one.

Reid was… Well, Reid was turned on, to say the least. This sort of adrenaline always got him going. And seeing his boss all puffed up, ready to kill the man who had just threatened to kill them? That was a thought for another time.

“So, Haley wants me to sign the divorce paper uncontested so nobody wastes money on lawyers,” Hotch started, when they were in the car on the way back to D.C. “You don’t want to?” Reid questioned. “What I want I’m not gonna get,” Hotch replied, leaving Reid puzzled. “What is it you want, Hotch?” He didn’t get an answer.

----

Back in Quantico, the team had just wrapped up another case. Reid was currently witnessing a very confusing encounter. Kevin had just stopped Rossi and said they needed to talk “man to man,” and then JJ sang some song about Garcia and Kevin and a tree? He had no idea what was going on. Instead of continuing to sit there confused (no one would explain it to him for some reason, apparently what was happening was obvious), Spencer decided to go check on Hotch. He had obviously not taken Haley’s request well, and the interview couldn’t have helped.

“Hotch,” Reid said quietly, knocking on the office door and poking his head in. “Come in Reid, close the door,” Hotch replied, not looking up from his paperwork. Reid sat down in the chair across from Aaron and handed him a file. “My reports for the interview.” “Thank you, Reid, I appreciate you getting this done so quickly. I wanted to apologize for the situation I put you in today, it really was not appropriate. I shouldn’t have provoked him the way I did,” Hotch stated in full “Unit Chief” mode. “Hotch,” Reid began, pausing and making sure the words that were about to come out of his mouth were going to come out correctly. “Let me take you out for dinner tonight. I think you need someone to talk to, and honestly, I probably do too.” Reid didn’t really need to talk, he had been doing much better in the aftermath of Hankel recently, but he did know that his boss would be more likely to say yes if he thought it wouldn’t only be to benefit him. Hotch looked up from his paperwork, gave Reid a look the younger man couldn’t decipher, and thought for a few moments. “Well,” Aaron answered, “that actually sounds lovely. Let me just finish this last file and I’ll come get you. I’m assuming you took the metro?” Reid nodded. “Great. I’ll drive us and I can bring you home after. Think about where you want to go.”

Reid entered the bull pen with a faint smile on his face. Sitting down at his desk, he thought back to how Hotch looked preparing to defend himself and Spencer from that highly dangerous man and found himself beginning to get hard. He shook his head as if he could shake the thoughts from his mind and walked to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. He wasn’t supposed to think about coworkers like that. Especially not his boss. It wasn’t Spencer’s fault the man was so effortlessly attractive. Spencer then reminded himself that his boss was married. It was a failing marriage, but the thought sobered him up either way. He made his way back to the bull pen and saw the face Morgan was making at him. “What, do I have something on my face?” he asked. “No,” Morgan replied. “You just were in Hotch’s office, came back all pale, and ran off to the bathroom. Are you feeling ok?” “Fine, just got a little nauseous for a moment. I’m okay now. Thanks for asking though, I appreciate it,” Reid answered, only half lying about the feeling of nausea.

Aaron came out of his office almost an hour later, finding Reid lost in a book at his desk. “Reid,” he called out softly, placing a hand softly on his shoulder as to not startle him too much. Reid jumped and looked up at him. “Hotch! You scared me,” he exclaimed. “Sorry,” Hotch chuckled. “I’m also sorry I took so long, I got call from the Wichita police department.” Reid looked up at him, disappointment showing clearly in his eyes. “No case,” Hotch said quickly, noticing the disappointment. “They were just letting me know how that case from a few weeks ago turned out. Our unsub was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, landing him with three life sentences, no parole. Have you decided where you want to go for dinner?” Reid nodded and stood up, collecting his belongings and making his way towards the doors of the BAU.

Spencer didn’t begin to feel nervous until he was sitting in the front of Hotch’s SUV. Hotch turned to look at him and asked, “so, where are we going?” Reid replied, “it’s a surprise. I’ll just be your backseat driver and give you directions. Turn right out of the parking lot.”

Twenty minutes later, they were sitting in front of a small Greek diner. “Did you know that Greek is my favorite?” Hotch asked, a small smile playing across his lips. His very kissable lips, Reid thought. Spencer blushed and looked away. “Yeah,” he answered quietly. “I thought you might want comfort food. I don’t really have experience, except for my own parent’s divorce, but I know what you’re going through can’t be easy.” Hotch’s smile grew. “Thank you, Reid.” They got out of the car and made their way into the restaurant.

“I’ll bet you that I can order for you and it’ll be exactly what you were thinking about ordering,” Hotch said, out of nowhere. “What’s on the line?” Reid asked. “Loser pays for dinner.” “You’re on, I’ll make the same bet,” Spencer answered, silently deciding he would wait on the difficult conversation until they received their food. The waitress approached their table and Hotch informed her they would be ordering for each other. The waitress gave a small smile, looking between the two of them. “Of course,” she said, leaning down to look over Hotch’s shoulder to see what he was pointing at on the menu before turning to Reid and doing the same.

The next fifteen minutes were filled mostly with Spencer finally getting an explanation as to what had occurred between Garcia, Kevin, and Rossi. Spencer laughed, not believing he hadn’t picked up on it. Their food arrived then, putting a stop to their conversation. The two men looked down at the food set in front of them. Reid had ordered a Greek soup for Hotch, and Hotch ordered Reid a pork gyro. They looked back up at each other and both said, “you win,” before laughing. “How about this,” Reid started. “I’ll pay this time, and you get the next one.” “The next one?” Hotch questioned. “Well, I hope there’ll be another, I don’t know about you, Hotch, but I’ve really enjoyed myself tonight.” Aaron looked back up smiling in a way that Reid had never seen before. “I have too, Reid.”

“So,” Spencer started cautiously. “Let’s talk. You never answered my question in the car before. What is it that you want?” Hotch heaved a sigh, looking down at his lap before resignedly looking back up to meet his subordinate’s eyes and said, “you can’t tell anyone anything about what I’m going to say.” Reid nodded earnestly, excited that the man was going to open up to him. “Haley wants full custody. Which, in reality, makes sense because of how often we’re away, but it means I’m not going to be able to see him anywhere near as much as I want to.” “That’s all, Hotch?” “Yeah.”

Reid thought for a few moments before speaking up again. “Why don’t you ask for skype or phone calls at least every other night? I know he’s little, but hearing your voice will be good for him. And for when you’re home, ask to have him at least two nights a week. Weeks we have off and holidays can be negotiated by the two of you privately. You know, her lawyers are probably just making an unfair offer to get you to contest it so they can make more money. She is a reasonable person. I’m sure she’ll be willing to compromise.” That was a lot for Hotch to take in. Letting out another sigh, Aaron looked back up as Spencer and replied, “That’s actually fairly realistic. I’ll talk to her about it. If she’s not willing to change, this is just going to have to get messy.” Relaxing back in his seat, Hotch gave a small smile. “I should come to you for advice more often, Spencer.”

That night, when Spencer got home from work, he got himself off to the thought of his (married) boss and only felt guilty for an hour. Or three.

[purplesurveys]

1248

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say?  I feel like I’ve answered a similar situation recently, but I would assume it was a drunk text or wrong text, inform them about it, and move on.

Do you play video games?  Nah. I do feel a sort of connection of video games since I grew up surrounded by them, though; but I’m more of a watcher than anything. I like watching playthroughs of video games I’ll never play. Do you spend a lot of time with family?  No. We used to, back when the quarantine was still a relatively new thing – we hung out in the living room all the time. But now that we’ve settled in this new normal, we’re back to our normal routines and I usually like staying in my room.

Is your house more than two stories tall?  Technically, yes. We have a rooftop that serves as the ‘third’ floor.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you?  My ex and I never hit one another; that’s a gigantic red flag even I would notice, considering I ignored most of the ones I saw hahaha.

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!)  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer this question directly, but I like my generosity. I’m not sure if I can call it attractive, though. But if we were focusing on physical features, I like my smile.

What color is your hairbrush/comb?  Pink.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm?  My dad splurged on chips in his last grocery run so we actually have quite a lot of junk food in the pantry at the moment. He also bought several packs of cookie sandwiches, wafers, sunflower seeds, and garlic-flavored peanuts.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive?  Neither.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged?  No, she’s just a good friend of mine.

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you?  I guess I don’t, because I’m not even aware of them.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female?  Guy. It was another reporter, so I just ignored it and luckily he didn’t PM me just to ask to add him back, which others have already done. I really hate when work people try to make their way into my personal accounts.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you?  My parents, especially when they are rude to service crew. Gen X-ers are impeccably talented at that, apparently.

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate?  Around two or three weeks ago when I had dinner at Angela’s. Her dad gave me a bar of Crunch so I can have something sweet after our meal.

Do you play any games on Facebook?  No, I never did hop on that trend.

What would you like to get a degree in?  I wanted a degree in journalism, and graduated with such. At the end of my college stint I didn’t want to pursue it anymore, but I pushed through with it anyway because it was too much of a hassle to shift and start all over.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? Technically not, because I stay up until the middle of the night anyway. It’s been a while since I fell asleep anywhere between 8 to 10 PM.

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game?  Watch a show.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater?  I don’t like either; I get fries instead.

What genre of films do you like the best?  Drama.

How many bank accounts do you have?  Two but I haven’t been using the other one in months. That was the bank account I initially opened when I first started ~adulting~ but when I got employed I was required to enroll in this other specific bank, so that’s what I mainly use now.

Have you ever had the flu?  Not really. I just get the occasional fever that pop out of nowhere.

What is your goal for the next few months?  Start saving FOR REAL, and also prioritizing furniture over merch for a while so I can finally fix up my room, which is quickly starting to look and feel like just a warehouse and not very homey at all.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life?  Nope.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience.  Yeah, it was from barbecue that apparently went bad, even though it tasted nothing of the sort. I woke up at 3 AM sweating profusely and with the most excruciating stomachache; I was feeling hot, cold, and nauseous all at the same time, and it probably lasted for like an hour or so.

What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for?  Sealed albums and my pets’ vet expenses.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex.  Charming and smart.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it?  It felt nice to help people.

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? Good question; I’ve never encountered this before. I would let her live a more comfortable, privileged life, where she didn’t have to staple her shoes to keep them closed or have to choose between eating at a fast food restaurant or being able to commute back home.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? I’m not sure, actually. Everyone’s always slightly taller than me.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you?  I haven’t.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see?  Tumblr, I guess? My survey blog isn’t for any irls to see.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping?  I don’t really do either often, but I’ll go with mopping.

Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious?  Not for me.

Did you pull a senior prank?  No, that’s not a thing here. Did you graduate?  Yeah, elementary, high school, and college.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship?  Nope.

What was the last song you listened to?  It’s a song called Epiphany.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision?  Not ever since I was like 9 lol.

Is fashion one of your interests?  I’m way more interested in it now for sure, mostly because the celebrities I’m into these days put a lot of effort when it comes to their style; so it makes me more aware of the trends that come and go, as well.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone?  I’m keeping it as a possibility, but it’s not a priority for me now.

Do you care what people think?  To an extent, I would say. My life doesn’t depend on it, though.

Is acting something you enjoy?  Never been.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained?  Do you mean a thing or a body part? Anyway, I’ll answer both. The last thing I broke was my BTS Mic Drop pen of V looooooooooool the figurine came off the pen :(( It was pretty cheap though so I’m fine with it; I can always get another one. Last body part I sprained was my ankle, when I had a bad fall a couple of years ago.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours?  Either hasn’t happened.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?  I don’t think so.

Whose house, other than yours and your families', are you most comfortable at?  Angela’s. Also JM’s, just because their family doesn’t hover and that vibe can sometimes be nice whenever I’m at someone else’s place.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you?  Never.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? Not as a very young kid, but I took up table tennis starting when I was 12. Did you ever watch the show Full House?  Nope.

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry?  Now that’s just delusional haha. I’m pretty obsessed with some celebrities, that much I can admit; but thinking of them in the context of marriage is so many steps overboard.

Have you ever burned someone’s picture?  No. I could, but I am scared of fire and will probably just think of other ways to express my anger, like tearing up the photograph. What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on?  Total length was probably like 3 hours. I haven’t gone too far when it comes to hiking.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo?  Not interested.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Hans.

Do your parents smoke cigarettes?  My mom tried it once in her life, I think. My dad has never smoked.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it?  “Hope right here!”

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want.  Anything that’s supposed to roam freely in the wild, like squirrels.

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller?  Taller, since I’m already quite pint-sized to begin with lol.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times, it's too painful. It also depends on the era of the pictures. < Agree, especially with the eras. Childhood photos are always fun to look at, but I have had to delete a CHUNK of photos from years ranging from 2014 to 2020 because I’ve lost a handful of friends from that period.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people?  It’s hard to for the most part, but I’ve noticed very few people people really don’t. Most of the time it’s bullshit though.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in?  That it’s pretty close to the metro.

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during?  Hmm, I prefer TV shows if I’m craving comedy.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during?  Life Is Beautiful.

What’s your favorite restaurant?  Omakase for my sushi fix; School Tteokbokki if I want Korean; Yabu if I’m looking for a generous rice meal.

Is there a dessert you don’t like?  Anything with fruits.

Favorite album?  After Laughter by Paramore.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it?  I can name authors instead of books – John Green and Haruki Murakami.

Underwater or outer space?  Outer space.

Dogs or cats?  Dogs.

Kittens or puppies?  Puppies.

Bird watching or whale watching?  Whale watching. I don’t get to be in the water as much, so I would jump at the opportunity.

What is your spirit animal?  I dunno if I have one but let’s just go with dog and elephant, I guess? They’re my favorites.

What was your best subject in school?  History.

What was your worst subject in school?  Chemistry.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school?  Don’t waste your time.

Who is your fashion icon?  Audrey Hepburn.

Diamonds or pearls?  Diamonds.

What color dress did you wear to prom?  For my own prom it was cream-colored/beige. When I went to Mike’s ball, I went with a royal blue gown.

What’s your favorite plot-twist?  I don’t think I’ve found my favorite yet.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?  Not actively.

Honestly, what’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?  I dunno...road rage, maybe?

Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad?  It’s very likely.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?  Sometime in the last week.

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? No thanks.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call?  Nope.

Who are you closest to?  Angela.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience?  No, all the ones I’ve been to have been amazing experiences.

Are you currently sad about anything?  Not really. I can’t complain.

Have you had any form of exercise today?  Nah.

Can you handle blood?  Nope, I will feel faint if I see it 100%.

Has any place hired you underage for a job?  No.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?  I haven’t.

Are you currently searching for a job?  No, I like the one I have.

Does eating breakfast make you sick?  No?

[thatlittledandere]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 15, 16, 17, 20, 21, 22, 23, 25, 26, 27, 31 and 40 for that shipper ask meme (sorry for picking so many but those questions are GOOD)

You're right, they absolutely are. I'm sorry in advance that this is gonna be LONG and I'm on mobile so I can't even add a read more;;

1. Talk about the first ship you ever had

So I'm SURE there were relationships I was invested in in movies and cartoons I watched as a child (I've always been a sucker for romance, even though there was that period when I didn't want to admit it) but I can't remember anything from very far back;; So it was either Ron and Hermione from Harry Potter or Ichigo and Masaya from Tokyo Mew Mew, whichever I read first.

2. Talk about three of the most important ships throughout your life

GOSH. You can't do this to me. I guess Romione because it was the time in my preteens when I was becoming more aware of... stuff, in general, abs the two cemented my love for friends-to-lovers. Then Ioryuu, because I've never been AS invested in and passionate about a ship before and likely never will. Nothing can compare to that intensity and ngl I miss it;; I miss the genuine hype I felt in my heart that made me interact with people and make things. So many things. I honestly can't think of a third one with such a lasting impact, sorry;;

3. What's your current OTP?

I imagine Souyo scenarios in my head every night before falling sleep and every morning after waking up, this is not a joke not an exaggeration. I still feel a little traitorous saying this on tumblr but their dynamic IS somewhat similar to the way I see Ioryuu so-

4. What's your current NoTP?

I don't think I have one? I have dislikes, some of them strong, but I don't see any of them often enough to be, like, actively angry. I have better uses for my time than willingly exposing myself to stuff I don't like.

5. Do you have any poly ships?

Not generally, juggling two characters is enough work lol. The only poly ships I've ever really actively shipped are Niels, Duncan and Natalie from the web comic Niels And the Gang by humon and Kinatsuen from Boueibu, but neither are actively on my mind much these days.

8. Have you ever shipped yourself with a character?

BOY HAVE I EVER. I've seen someone on tumblr have a side blog for self-shopping and not gonna lie, it's an excellent idea. My late teens were spent reading character x reader fics on Quotev and I started my fic career with the same genre. I don't really know what to do with myself when I DON'T actively ship myself with a character, which is my state of being now that Yosuke surpassed Yoosung as my favorite character;; Ibushi and Yoosung are the biggest ones but man oh boy I have shipped myself with characters from early age and I'm showing no signs of stopping! There's a reason that I main dating sims.

15. Have you ever "shipped at first sight"?

Not for long. I SUCK at forming first impressions. Usually if I start thinking I'll ship something, I end up not being so invested in it after all, and instead shipping something I swore off at first lmao. Which leads us to...

16. Talk about a ship you initially disliked

As a rule of thumb, all of them. I don't understand HOW it keeps happening but somehow almost all the ships I truly care/d about (that I didn't start shipping through osmosis before knowing them in the source material) started out as something I thought I "wouldn't be able to get behind." Gajevy. Shikatema. Sasunaru. Doctor/Rose. Karabita. Atsutodo. Kiribaku. Yoozen. Enatsu. Freaking IORYUU. EVEN SOUYO. IT'S BEEN YEARS I REALLY SHOULD KNOW THE PATTERN BY NOW

17. Talk about a pairing you've stopped shipping romantically

Like, I started to think they're better as friends after all? I guess NaLi. Then again, I mostly only shipped them out of spite in the first place because I wanted a counter for N/a//Lu, which I never liked at all;;

20. Talk about a ship you feel alone in shipping

Now this time I can say for sure that there isn't one. I can't come up with ships myself and stay on board if there isn't content for it, canon or otherwise;; It's not a conscious decision or anything, it's just how my mind works. I get attached to stuff by exposure, whether from fans or the source material, and if the source material has enough content for two characters for me to pick up on and become interested, it's guaranteed to be enough to become a somewhat popular ship.

21. Is there a ship you just don't get, but have nothing against?

Actually... That's the extent I go to with notp'ing these days. I'm passionate about the right to ship whatever you want so by proxy I can't have anything "against" a ship, even if the sheer thought of it existing makes me nauseous. And I know how to think from points of view other than my own, so I can usually see the appeal, even if it appeals to me personally less than eating dog shit while walking barefoot on rusty nails that are also on fire.

That said, the only ships I have on my Tumblr blacklist are Yoo//ra/n and Suza//lu/lu because they're both popular ships for characters whose tags I am/was following and therefore get suggested a lot even if I want following anyone who ships then. Oh, and all B/LMa//tsu ships! I generally can't feel good about incestuous ships, but can and will fight for their shippers' right to do as they please as long as they stay respectful. (never saw blmatsus who weren't respectful. saw a plethora of anti-blmatsus who were absolute demons. actually the reason i moved away from the last remnants of my anti mindset was that i didn't want to be associated with THOSE anti-blmatsus, when the shippers they wanted dead were all such sweet people. food for thought.)

22. Which of your ships have the best chemistry?

All of them?? Lmao I don't understand this question, isn't shipping all about liking the chemistry between characters? Or the potential for it I guess, in which case the chemistry is whatever you want it to be, which is great B) I'm sorry I keep accidentally dodging questions I'm bad at choosing examples from a long, unordered list

23. Which of your ships deserve better writing?

Hhhhhhh I shipped Jerza for years and was still unsatisfied with their ending, Jellal didn't get to heal enough and we didn't really see them working through their past in an effective way and getting comfortable around each other. It's like they were supposed to be friends to enemies to lovers but the last part didnt really develop and their relationship stagnated at the stage were they were both just permanently awkward out of regret, and couldn't bring themselves out of it even though everything was forgiven forever ago. Or I've forgotten a lot of stuff that happened. Very likely. Is your a case of bad writing or good writing not working out the way I wanted it to? You're asking the wrong person.

25. Have you ever shipped a pairing before you even started watching the show/movie simply because of gifs/graphics or similar?

EYUP. Harumichi was my otp for like a whole year before I saw a single episode with them lol. It was crazy, but it was REAL. I've also went into shows already paying attention to things I knew my friends/people I follow shipped, kind of hoping I'd get into it.

26. Have you noticed a pattern in your shipping? Is there a romantic dynamic I'm writing these questions down from screenshots and I cropped the rest of this one out by accident rip

Eeeh I go for the obvious. Best friend pairs, obvious pining, some rivalry with sexual tension, though I don't really know what to do with those. Then there's the fact that I never see it coming sick Persona 5 reference bro and start shipping the couple I thought "should just be friends" at first. This is more about my relationship to the ships than their dynamic but it's very constant...

27. Is there a ship you've shipped for most of your life?

Hmmm well I got into HP and started shipping Romione sometime in mid elementary school so it's definitely been more than half my lifetime since, but I don't really know if I "ship it" anymore. I didn't start disliking them or anything but for me, "shipping" is an active intrest in a fictional relationship, so if it reaches the stage where I like it, in theory, but I don't have the feels, it doesn't really count. That's why I can say I like ships without shipping them. It's gotta be actively on my brain, man.

31. Talk about one of your favorite headcanons for a ship you love

I haven't mentioned Kannao once, which is criminal. So here's some of what I imagine their future to be like :D I've been getting new Persona followers recently so here's something for you to unfollow me over lmao

So first of all I ignore the canon that Naoto goes back to the city for her detective work after her first year of high school, shhh she stays in Inaba, only taking the occasional jobs. She and Kanji start dating during the spring break before their second year and get more comfortable with each other, so that the next summer they're still cute and very much themselves (which means somewhat reserved) but not as awkward anymore :) I haven't thought about what happens after they graduate but they get married in their early 20s and have a son <3 (Chie and Yukiko adopted their daughter only slightly earlier. They may or may not have had a bit of a competition going on) ((yes Souyo are very much together but if they end up having children I haven't thought about it it's later))

Kanji manages the textile shop and Naoto helps when she's free from detective stuff. They live in Inaba but Naoto is away quite often for her gigs;; She takes up a few jobs less when Kouta is little though so he wouldn't feel less close to his Mom than his Dad.

Both Kanji and Naoto suffered from unfair expectations growing up, so they try their best to make up for it with Kouta's upbringing. They want him to feel comfortable being himself and free to express himself the way he wants; they make sure he knows he'll always be loved and supported, and to never be ashamed of who he is. As a child it doesn't even occur to him that many social norms and social expectations exist, because Naoto and Kanji pretty much let him do whatever as long as he isn't hurting himself or anyone else. They might go a little overboard though, giving into Kouta's whims without much consideration at all. The Amagi Aunties enforce rules and keep kids grounded in reality much better lmao

40. If you could change one thing about your otp, what would that be?

HMNGHNMHGNMGH I WAMT YOSUKE'S INTERNALIZED BULLSHIT ACKNOWLEDGED!! It's there AtlUS!! Stop pretending oh my god.... I love the Dancing All Night story mode (so far. I am by no means done); Yosuke gets cool moments and Yu's internal monologue really shows how much he appreciates him. The dynamic is so much better than with a silent protagonist, and thank god they didn't go with the tactless anime Yu (as fun as he is). I know there are a bunch of nods to the cut romance across spinoffs but mannnn... I wish they were more serious about it. At this point it's not even that far-fetched to think Yosuke has feelings for Yu that he may or may not be aware of, and I know that Yu as the player character can't be too tied down to one option in canon, but still... Even the clown gets tired of jokes at some point. One can dream.

40 ship questions

[rkrose]

“i’ve been trying all my life to separate the time, in between the having it all and giving it up, yeah. i wonder what’s in store if i don’t love it anymore. i’m stuck between the having it all and giving it up, yeah”  ━━  august 5th, 2020 . . . phone call with alice park ( big sister )

it’s been eight years. eight years since rose moved from her family’s home nestled in the suburbs of melbourne, away from her parents and her siblings to the big smoke of seoul, south korea. a country that was thousands of miles away. who knew that at age fifteen a girl could be so driven, so determined to pursue a dream? this dream of becoming a musician took rose across a whole ocean to a country she had never been to before. time had been kind, things had gotten easier. the early days were the hardest. rose’s lack of knowledge on basic customs expected of almost any korean to her clumsiness regarding the korean language and the honorifics that went with it. she recounts her first year as being vacant and lonely, and those feelings even followed her into her second year. no one reached out, and rose didn’t reach out either. it was easier to keep any and everyone at arms length. she wanted to do this by herself. she didn’t want to be a burden.

favouring hours alone playing guitar and piano, singing seventies and eighties songs she had heard on the radio back home. and when tucked away in her bed at her home stay’s apartment on the outskirts of the city, rose would call her big sister and tell her about her day. a part of her felt inclined to lie, to say that she was happy. but she wasn’t and alice . . . alice could tell. alice was off at university at this point, a first year, studying law. charlie was studying medicine and rose was . . . in south korea, at a music school. so she could pursue . .  music. rose always had it a little easier in comparison to her older siblings. her father hadn’t been super enthusiastic to find out that she had applied to this music orientated school across the ocean in his place of birth, but her mom had been supportive. she saw that her daughter had a dream, so she wanted her to go and pursue it, even if meant sending her youngest to a foreign country. 

favouring hours alone playing guitar or piano, singing old songs that she remembers hearing on the radio from back home. and when tucked away in the bedroom of her home stay’s apartment, located on the outskirts of the city, rose would call her big sister and try to tell her about her day, about her adventures. rose felt inclined to lie, to say that she was happy. but she wasn’t and alice could tell. she was off at university at this point, first year, studying law while their older brother studied medicine. meanwhile rose was in south korea at a music school so that she could maybe attempt to pursue music. her intentions hadn’t been to stay in south korea permanently. initially, it was her three years of high school and then maybe if things went well, a year of university. but a year after graduating and having flopped completely academic wise, and no real drive or pull to go back home to australia, rose had found herself in one of south korea’s biggest entertainment companies come winter of 2016. this was where she paved her dream, even if it wasn’t the way she had visualised it. everyone had to start somewhere, or so she figures.

rose had always had it a little easier in comparison to alice and charlie. being the youngest was probably the reason, she was used to being babied and being the favourite. her father, a branch manager of a bank chain in melbourne, had been rather disheartened to discover she had gone and applied to sopa, behind his back more or less. rose’s mother, a psychiatrist, had been much more supportive. she had saw from a young age what her daughter’s true passion was, in efforts to help rose pursue a dream she had found early on. she sent rose on her way, with no certainty of what this meant for her. and even eight years later and rose not returning as she had planned, her mother still feels the same way. uncertain but immensely proud. and even now, her dad’s a little proud too, even if he doesn’t get the whole singing dancing idol thing.

eight years on, late night phone calls still occur between rose and alice. only they’re not as often and rose lives in an apartment with her two bestfriends. rose finds herself stumbling into bed on most nights after training; life is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting these days and the thought of talking to anyone, even alice, sounded unbearable at times. but rose always does her best to make time for the important people in her life. tonight, rose is tucked away in her bed with her long blonde hair in braids. she wears an oversized sweatshirt which rose actually thinks might belong to her boyfriend. rose stares up at the ceiling overhead with eight years of lies and it’s weight resting on her chest. the line is quiet. “something up, rosie? you don’t sound too good.” alice asks down the phone, and although chipper, she sounds concerned. “ah, it’s nothing. don’t worry, ali.” rose says, waving off her concern with a laugh. “well . . . nothing is something. what’s going on? you’re alright, aren’t you?” rose purses her lips, a clutched hand rests on her chest. would it be so awful to verbalise her feelings, what she’s felt for the past four or so years?

“i’m thinking . . . about . . . i’m thinking about moving back to australia.” rose says slowly, softly, in hopes she doesn’t draw attention. lisa and jisoo are home, and although one of two knows, she doesn’t wanna talk to them about that now. “y-you’re what? no. what? what happened?" alice’s reaction was as rose had thought: genuine surprise, shock and perhaps a little bit of disbelief. very alice. “you didn’t break up with chris, did you? i thought you were still at royal.” the mention of chris was enough to remind rose of her first real argument with her boyfriend ( of almost two years now ). “no, no. we’re still together and i’m still . . . at royal. my contract ends in december, though. i meant . . . instead of signing it again, i could just . . . come home, and be with you and charlie, and mel and charlotte, and mom . . . dad too, i guess.” 

the line goes quiet again. alice must be trying to wrap her head around the suddenness of the topic. “ali, y-you there?” rose asks, pushing herself up onto her elbows. she furrows her brows. had she said something wrong? “what brought this on all of a sudden, rosie? last time we spoke you seemed so . . . so happy and certain of everything. are you okay? is there . . . something else going on?” last time they spoke. the last time rose and alice spoke was months ago. rose was still coming to terms with what this all meant, what feeling this way meant. “no,” rose mutters quietly, shaking her head. “i . . . i just . . . “ and so she starts from the beginning, all the way back when rose first landed on the tarmac in seoul, south korea as a bright eyed fifteen year old.

"i wish you had of just been honest with me, rose. about everything.” alice admits quietly. rose wishes she could of been honest from the beginning too, but thinking about the consequences of her honesty frightened her. the lies hadn’t been any better, though. “i was scared you’d tell mom and that she would force me to come home.” having to give up her dream though honesty, to be defeated because of her own feelings had been a fear of rose’s at that age. it still rings true now to some extent. trainees shouldn’t show their weaknesses, they become easy targets in the eyes of their company. “mom always wanted what’s best for you, as she does now. and charlie does, and dad . . . in his own, weird way. and i want what’s best for you.” rose bites at her lip, trying to hold the tears that well at her eye at bay. “and if you think that coming back home to australia is what that is, then so be it. but i don’t think that’s what you really want.” 

i am so passionate about singing and performing. nothing makes me feel more whole than when i sing, i truly feel alive . . . as cliche as it sounds. and i was shy, so i hid behind my guitar and my company forced me to step forward and become this . . . this person. after all this time i came to love dancing, i’m actually somewhat good at it although coaches disagree. but . . . i realise that even though my dream was to debut in a band, in reality, an idol group was what i was destined for. and these past three years i’ve worked so hard, tirelessly, so i can one day debut with my friends. i’ve cried so much these past few months. i’m so tired, ali. i feel so up and down about my future. am i selfish for thinking about myself? is it selfish to stay in the company when a much better person could be in my place? i’ve never wanted something more in my life than this. i can’t believe i’m admitting that. i, roseanne park, want to be an idol. i want to debut so badly but the stagnancy makes me nauseous. is four years going to turn to six years, and will six turn to eight? i see these young idols train for a year and then debut the following year. am i not good enough? am i doing something wrong? and the fact that you all are so far away makes me wonder if all of this is worth it. i just . . . i want to go home. i mean, i think i do. 

"you’re growing restless, rosie.” alice concludes rather firmly. here was the tough love rose had avoided hearing but needed, so badly. “but don’t give up on your dream because you’re restless or because you’re tired.” and by this point, the tears are running down rose’s cheeks, they’re red and warm. she wipes at her eyes with the sleeve of the sweatshirt. alice pauses and rose swears that she hears a sniffle on the other end of the line. “i know you’ve been lying to me all of these years, telling me how happy you were and how you loved korea. i know that things must of been so tough for you, rosie . . . and yet you stuck it out because you didn’t wanna disappoint mom . . or me, or charlie. that’s so . . . so you.” alice chuckles and rose mirrors, sniffling. she was right, after all. rose was too afraid of admitting that she had maybe made a mistake in going to korea so young, but she was still too prideful to give up. “you’re so stubborn, roseanne. you’ll try and make anything work.”

“and it’s because you’re so stubborn . . . that you should make this work. make this crazy, once in a life time opportunity work out, just follow it through.” rose picks at a stray thread on her pyjama pants, still listening intently to alice, hanging onto every word. “because i think . . . that if you do end up coming home, and not signing that contract again, that you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” there’s another pause. “and people like you rosie, people like you need to be where they can shine. and if you can’t do this for you, then do it for me. do it for mom, and charlie and dad. do it because we believe in you and love you more than anything.” there’s more sniffles between both sisters. rose hasn’t shared a moment like this with her sister in . . . forever, perhaps ever. she’s been reminded of how she’d put on a brave face whenever duty called. “i don’t want you to give up on this dream, rosie. just keep holding on. everything will make sense soon. i know it will.”

   to be continued . . .

[fairycosmos]

do you ever get this nauseous feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach thinking about the future and how alone you are and probably always will be? it’s so bad lately and i can’t make the feeling go away. i tried tinder lol but even there all the conversations feel so empty. i just can’t connect with anyone. i don’t know how other people seem to make friends and lovers so easily. it never happens for me. life could be beautiful if only i had someone to be myself with. it hurts so bad

yes, always, all the time.....i haven't really found a solution unfortunately. 😔 though it is my understanding that our perception of the future is often wildly inaccurate, as it is rooted in what we fear (i.e constant loneliness). since we're afraid of it we're more inclined to believe that it's waiting for us. especially if its been prominent in our lives so far.....really we have no way of knowing. maybe the self hating part of you will insist that you understand what's coming, that not finding connection is likely or even inevitable. but you're biased against yourself so it's not a trustworthy judgement. you know? ive also noticed that my solid sense of self has really disappeared since ive been alone, and so all issues pertaining to me and who i am, kind of slip away.... it's hard when you don't have anyone to remind you you're real. it jolts violently between painful and numbing. it's ok to be sad about it, to cry when you need to, to let it be what it is. you don't have to make the feeling go away, you just have to try not to hold onto it. try not to let it dictate your actions and what you bring into actual reality. you're more than this moment and your current self perception. isolation really does a number on the mind and the emotional landscape, so cut yourself some slack in that regard. honestly...... i think periods of solitude are way more common than people want to admit. i know it seems like everyone's got their group and that you're some sort of outlier, but circumstance dictates so much. we lose touch with others, or we grow beyond the relationship, or we just never get the chance to meet the right people at the right time....it's not a personal failing on your part. it's not because you're undeserving of love and friendship. you have to remember that part and live like you believe it. it's just that substantial bonds are difficult to find as an adult or as you're growing up. your brain will always try to twist this and bully you with it like a petulant child, like a 'haha loser' sort of thing (at least mine does) but that's a very narrow understanding of a much broader issue. i guess it's true that not everyone you meet is supposed to be a life changing figure in your existence as a human. i guess it's true that shallow relationships are unavoidable. but you're allowed to be frustrated and you're allowed to want more for yourself, especially if that eventually spurs you into actively seeking what you crave.....even just keeping the channel open and working on your own self confidence enables you to connect with others in an easier way. anyway here are some small coping mechanisms that have somewhat helped me even if they feel dumb:

1. trying to treating myself like a friend and prioritizing self care. it's too exhausting if you don't.

2. being around animals.

3. writing about how you're feeling, making it tangible. and reading. people in the past felt like this, too.

4. time spent alone is still time spent with the world, you still belong.

5. taking the time to see your situation from multiple points of view.

6. talking to a professional or a family member. even if you don't necessarily want to. maybe they won't get it fully, but just saying it out loud is something.

it's a good sign that you want to put yourself out there to any extent and you should try to keep at it. getting discouraged is natural but it doesn't last. ideas like volunteering, looking into support groups in your area, joining internet communities, even just getting to a public place like a library and being amongst the crowd.....it all adds up and keeps you in the present. finding people w common ground like a hobby is important, too. maybe it seems like a stupid or vague idea but there's always communal activities or events to check out. nerves are just a part of it. seriously, where you're at right now is definitely just a stepping stone in your life, nowhere near the final picture. as you get a job and expand your horizons/find your niche, you're going to engage with loads of experiences n people you can't even conceive of rn. and i totally get why you find it hard to believe. but it's not impossible to think that change is in store at some point, especially when you consider how much it's already occurred in your lifetime, right? i believe in you and im rooting for you to find a sustainable support network, even if it's a process or it takes time. you're not as alone in this as it seems. and it's not your fault no matter what narrative your sadness is telling you. take it one day at a time. and try to focus on what you can actually tend to in this moment. that's what ive been doing. anyway im sending a lot of love to you and please feel free to hmu if you need someone 💌

[boyfriem-moved]

the foxhole court bad

(aka the eden’s twilight chapter is gross, the thanksgiving chapter is also gross, andriel is an abusive ship, and nicky and andrew are two terrible people being terrible to each other, a passionate essay by a dude who’s real sick and tired of this garbage)

I was gonna try to reread the whole series so I could factually and definitively prove that tfc sucks once and for all but after 2 chapters I concluded that reading it again was killing my last 3 brain cells, so I stuck with rereading the worst two chapters and gathering a few other moments I thought were noteworthy, and we’re just gonna have to go from there. I’m gonna discuss a bunch of stuff so I’m putting the entire meta under the cut. Also! If you have no idea what tfc is and follow me for other reasons but are intrigued by my hatred I doubt you could get through this whole thing without being bored. I’ve made a couple short posts saying what’s wrong with tfc, most recently this one here, which you could read instead of this long ass mess. 

If you know nothing about tfc and still wanna read, trigger warning for mentions of drug abuse, rape, physical abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, sexual abuse (both of children and adults... well of one adult who was once a child), actually. all abuse. just. don’t read if you’re triggered by any general categories of abuse

You still here? So sorry about that. Now let’s get going! 

I can’t deny that there’s some sort of appeal to tfc. “Sports team for fucked up weirdos” is an interesting concept and one that can draw you in, if it’s done well. But Nora Sakavic thrives on shock value and can’t write to save her life, so it’s not done well. It’s done very, very badly. Now I’m not here to complain about the terrible writing (even though I could, believe me). I’m here to complain about how Nora writes like she gets into tumblr discourse with teenagers and makes anti blocklists. So we’ll just go in chronological order, because I think it makes the most sense that way. 

Eden’s Twilight

Up until the Eden’s Twilight chapter, the bad parts are more or less excusable. Andrew is...being Andrew, but the book has just begun, and as long as he doesn’t get any worse he’s bound to have some character development soon (which ha funny joke but we’re hopeful, the night’s still young). Nicky is likable and seemingly the good guy who’s said maybe a couple iffy things, Aaron isn’t noteworthy (and boy does he stay that way), and we haven’t seen much of Kevin’s “fun alcoholism” yet. 

And then there’s Eden’s Twilight.  The setup to the chapter has a couple interesting moments, most notably Nicky pushing Neil to take out his contacts despite the knowledge that it makes him deeply uncomfortable because everyone just bends to the fucking whim of Andrew apparently (a running theme that I’ll get to later) and a gross bit of setup where Nicky comes onto Neil and Andrew threatens to kill him. 

“...his happy expression faltered when he got a good look at Neil. “Oh man. Neil, you clean up good. Can I say that, or is that against the rules? Just--damn. Aaron, don’t let me get too drunk tonight.” (tfc pg 129)

(Nicky is an adult with a fiancee who he allegedly loves. Neil is 18. Just in case anyone’s forgotten.)

Then they go and buy some drugs! Nora shows a worrying misunderstanding of how drug withdrawal works (Nora do even one ounce of research for your shitty book please ma’am I’m begging you) and they buy some drugs with vague side effects (I have no idea if the stuff they take is based off real world drugs and I’d rather not find out) in a scene that seems unrealistic but I couldn’t tell you for sure (never bought drugs. not about to ask the people in my life who have.). They buy their drugs, Andrew takes some drugs, Nora continues to know nothing about withdrawal, they go to a nightclub! The night is still young!

And now comes the big problem area. 

Their nightclub adventures begin with a complicit bartender who says, “Back so soon, Andrew? Who’s your newest victim?” (tfc pg 133). On a later page it’s established that the bartender was spiking Neil’s drinks and fully aware of everything the siblings planned to do (as is routine with them? apparently?) so. Fun guy. 

They do some drugs, drink some alcohol. Neil refuses to do both. Andrew and Nicky are adamant about him doing drugs with them, but he refuses, so they concede. 

“Drink with us if you won’t dust with us,” Nicky said, holding his open packet in one hand and his shot in the other. 

And Neil does. Because there’s no reason not to, really. Andrew’s gang accepted it when he said he didn’t drink. They’ve so far not forced him to do anything he doesn’t want to. He watched the bartender pour his drink. He has no reason to suspect he won’t be fine. 

So, of course, his drink is drugged, and Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky hold him down as he tries to run away. The twins force him onto the dance floor, then leave him with Nicky, reigning defender for World’s Most Predatory Man. 

“Bodies and lights blurred around him, making Neil nauseous. He clawed bloody lines down Nicky’s arm as he fought to get free. Nicky didn’t let go until they’d reached the middle of the dance floor. He pulled Neil up against him and caught Neil’s chin in his fingers to force his head back.  Nicky’s kiss was harder than Neil expected it to be, and there was more than just tongue in it. Beneath the burn of vodka Nicky shared with him was the sweet tang of cracker dust. Neil didn’t mean to swallow, but it hurt too much to hold it in his mouth.  “This is how the game goes,” Nicky said against his lips. “Stop fighting if you want to survive.” (tfc pg 136)

Nicky is a good guy of the story. Not only that, he’s a fan favorite character. This isn’t even a chapter people gloss over to glorify their faves, either. People often point to this chapter and the surrounding scenes as one of the series’ most iconic moments. Neil’s night ends with him paying a bartender to knock him unconscious to put an end to the drugged abuse, which can be found near the top of pretty much everyone’s “top ten iconic Neil Josten moments” lists.  This scene is fucking disgusting. He’s forcefully assaulted, allowed and encouraged by Andrew, who’s supposedly the force keeping Nicky in line, and who told him earlier in the chapter not to try anything. Aaron and Kevin are complicit in this, as is the bartender. As are the rest of the team members and Coach Wymack, even if it’s to a far lesser extent, because though they’re horrified that Andrew and his gang brought Neil to the club, they’re not surprised. For people who seemed to know it was coming, they did an awfully lax job of keeping Neil safe though they claim that’s their top priority, and Wymack hardly reprimands Andrew. And no one even shifts blame towards Nicky, despite the fact that he’s the worst person here out of all of them.

People tend to ignore Nicky in general when it comes to how bad of people all these characters are. Which is weird, because Nicky is a horrific predator, and this scene can’t be excused. Though he never assaults Neil again, he continues to be interested in him up until his lackluster apology (which, by the way, does not excuse his actions in this chapter so fuck off if you’re gonna say it does), and it’s pretty clearly implied that he only stops flirting uncomfortably with Neil (who, side note, is still barely not a child) because Andrew forces him to, and not because of any personal growth. 

This should be the end of my explanation of why these books are terrible. Writing a scene like this, in which the assaulters are the good guys of the story and will, throughout the next three books, improve as people by exactly 0%, is reprehensible. There’s no coming back from that. But some of you obviously disagree, so let’s keep going. 

There’s more scenes like this, one in particular, but I’m gonna talk about it later. My point is just that “token gay character is a blatant predator” is not a good look, especially when written by a straight woman.

Thanksgiving

Nora Sakavic would not know how to write a rape victim if one punched her in the face and told her she was a horrible writer. I wish I didn’t have to say more. But I obviously do, so let’s go. 

(as always: necessary disclaimer that I am not a csa survivor and if anyone out there is and disagrees with me I’m more than willing to hear you out, however, i don’t think it takes one to tell that Nora Sakavic is a Fraud And Hack) 

This one wasn’t quite as hard to reread as the Eden’s Twilight chapter, probably because even though the acts are worse, it doesn’t have a bad message overall. The rapist is, thank god, the bad guy in this one. 

It does, however, have problems. Because Nora is still unable to write about serious issues without incorporating scenes purely for the purpose of shock value. 

Like, y’all, it’s really not hard to say “this character was raped as a child and has problems with consent and intimacy because of it”. You don’t need to bring the rapist into the story and have them rape the character again only for the main characters to walk in on it and kill the rapist with a lacrosse racket. 

Oh yeah, spoilers, that’s exactly what happens.  

The chapter starts out fine. If anything, it’s tame for a chapter of a book out of The World’s Most Unnecessarily Over The Top Book Series. 

The basic setup is: Nicky’s parents have invited him and the twins home for Thanksgiving after being estranged for 5 years. Andrew refuses to go. He won’t tell anyone why, but after a talk with him Neil learns that it’s because he was raped by his stepbrother and when he confided in Nicky’s dad about it, Nicky’s dad told him it was a misunderstanding. 

Y’all know what that is? Perfectly fucking adequate writing. We learn this thing about Andrew’s past. He has, for probably the only time in this entire series, adequate motivation to do something. But Ms. Sakavic, known Fraud And Hack, said fuck that. We need more. We need to really know what Andrew went through. “Like in a longer conversation sequence?” Someone sensible asked. Nora shook her head. “Like in the second worst scene I have ever written because I am a Fraud And Hack.” 

So they go to Nicky’s house for Thanksgiving! This also gives Nora a chance to remind us all that she is a straight woman and Nicky is a gay stereotype. Andrew is on edge the entire time, but Neil manages to keep him under control for the most part. Then we learn that Nicky’s dad invited Andrew’s rapist ex-stepbrother to the house. And than they’re upstairs together. Alone. 

So y’know, Neil and Aaron run upstairs, break down the door, there’s a page and a half of description of the scene of Andrew about to get raped before their very eyes, Aaron kills the rapist with a lacrosse stick (exy stick, whatever), and scene. I’m not gonna quote this one, because I don’t wanna make anyone read it, but it runs roughly from page 215-220 of The Raven King if you wanna see for yourself. Highly recommend against it. It’s nasty. 

This is a chapter that goes from 0-100 in pretty much too seconds. Someone should probably tell Nora that forcing Andrew to have dinner with the man who discredited his rape is enough digging up of his traumatic past. We don’t need to go deeper. She can stop now. She should stop now. We know Andrew’s history of csa at this point. If Nora thought that wasn’t enough, there are a million ways she could go more in depth without doing this. This scene doesn’t even go more in depth. In terms of advancements in the story, all that happens is that Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky find out about Andrew’s past (something that could have happened in so many different ways) and Aaron kills a man (which doesn’t actually matter because it takes no toll on him and is never mentioned again because nora is a fraud and hack). I was appalled and horrified the first time I read it, and rightly so, because that’s it’s only purpose. 

And putting a rape scene in a book for the sole purpose of shocking your readers is just a nasty thing to do. 

Bonus Point: Riko Moriyama Is An Evil Monster And That’s Bad Even If He Is The Villain 

Riko’s an evil monster! Yeah! Obviously! We’re glad he died! He sucks! But...he’s a very badly written evil monster, and I don’t feel like unpacking all of him, but I just want to point to a couple scenes towards the end of The Raven King real quick since they fit with the whole “Nora don’t write about rape like this” theme. 

I’m not gonna quote this one either because it’s Real Gross. But basically, Riko convinces Neil to spend winter break with him by telling him that he arranged for Andrew to get raped over Thanksgiving, and that if Neil doesn’t comply with his terms, he’s paid off one of the doctors at the psych ward Andrew is staying in and will get that doctor to rape him again. 

So that didn’t...need to happen. It’s quite frankly disgusting that Nora wrote all this (the language in this scene is very explicit). It’s disgusting that she couldn’t think of any other way to portray her villain as evil. This is bad writing. Riko doesn’t need to be cartoonishly villainous. It’s unnecessary, it’s over the top, and it’s sickening to read. 

Also? That scene at the end of The Raven King where Riko handcuffs Neil to the bed and like...stabs him and it’s never said he rapes him but he definitely rapes him because Nora’s predatory subtext is more obvious than a slap in the face? That didn’t need to happen either. 

Andriel is a terrible ship, Nora you FRAUD AND HACK

So Andrew and Neil get together in the last book, because every series written by a straight woman needs a super unhealthy gay relationship for fangirls to call cute.

(This one is...weird because a lot of the fanbase are gay themselves, but I’ve heard there’s gay people who like the captive prince too so. i guess it just be like that sometimes.)

I don’t have time to comb through the entire book looking through problematic moments, and I wouldn’t want to. I’m just gonna grab a couple noteworthy scenes in what I hope will make an adequate outline of this fucked up relationship. 

The Foxhole Court starts by setting up a running theme of Everyone Disrespecting Neil’s Boundaries All The Time with Wymack, Andrew, and Kevin coming to his high school and refusing to leave until he agrees to sign on with their Not Lacrosse team. His first meeting with Andrew is when Andrew hits him with a lacrosse racket to forcibly stop him from leaving the locker room, a pretty good encapsulation of the sort of person Andrew is. They spent the next three books allegedly falling in love.

Neil establishes boundaries. Andrew breaks them.

“I don’t need to be persuasive,” Andrew said, putting a hand to Neil’s chest as the elevator slowed to a stop. “You’ll just learn to do what I say.” 

This is on page 33 of tfc, during their second meeting. Andrew establishes that he’s controlling and manipulative pretty damn early. 

A list of other “romantic and iconic” Andriel moments include:

Andrew breaks into Neil’s room and goes through his belongings

Andrew drugs Neil and allows Nicky to assault him (after threatening to kill Nicky if he tried anything??) because he doesn’t trust him

Andrew uses threats of sharing personal information to force Neil to tell him secrets

Andrew is repeatedly physically violent (their first meeting, beating him up at Eden’s Twilight)

Andrew tells Neil’s secrets to the team psychiatrist, knowing full well it’s a betrayal of Neil’s trust

Andrew delights in Neil’s fear and goes out of his way for most of tfc to make him fear for his safety

Andrew didn’t look at Wymack. “Neil wants to come with me.”  A day ago, those words might have been an order or a threat, but today Neil heard only truth. He’d chosen the Foxes. He’d chosen to trust Andrew, whatever that meant and whatever consequences it brought down the road. (tfc pg. 152)

After that quote the moments are harder to spot (read: I reread less of trk and none of tkm so I don’t have any bookmarks to turn to), but they are still there. The last moment there is from trk, so the abuse doesn’t stop, I’m just too exhausted to keep looking. 

And let me be clear, that quote is barely consent. Andrew physically and psychologically abuses Neil into the position he’s in when he surrenders and sides with Andrew on page 152.  This scene takes place right after Eden’s Twilight, and above all of what went down there, Neil has just been forced into telling Andrew more personal information than he’s ever told anyone. After a night of abuse he feels trapped, like resistance is futile, so he gives in. Saying he wants to be part of Andrew’s crew doesn’t count as consent when his hand is being forced. 

Even though scenes towards the end of the series show Neil beginning to learn how to control Andrew and the two of them coming to stand on a more level ground, their relationship is one built on abuse and violence, and it’s important not to forget that. It’s unrealistic that Neil would come to trust Andrew, honestly. And having the abusive, more mature character give Neil his first ever relationship and teach him that he’s gay (or bi, or whatever he is) is not a good look. Especially when this book has everything else I’ve already mentioned. Especially when Nora is, once again, a grown ass straight woman. 

Nicky And Andrew Are Two Terrible People Being Terrible To Each Other And Actually I Hate Both Of Them 

So Nicky’s predatory and Andrew is violent and their relationship is as unhealthy as can get. Andrew’s relationships with Nicky and Aaron are both unhealthy, but Aaron’s much less so, so I’m just gonna get into Nicky today because I’ve been writing for almost 3 hours and I kinda wanna die right about now. 

We’ve already established that I don’t like either of them. But let me be clear, it takes a lot for me to admit that Andrew “knives hidden up my sleeves” Minyard is right in any situation. And yet, in pretty much any situation where he threatens Nicky, it’s easy to see him as the good guy, at least up until a certain point. 

Andrew is a bad person. He’s violent and manipulative and has no regard for people’s boundaries. Nicky is arguably worse, painting himself as the peacemaker while being horrifically predatory. 

(A point on Nicky: Nora spends pretty much all of the first book showing Nicky as predatory, then abandons it entirely for the next two books, making it easy to forget the kind of person he is. Just because the predatory behavior stops doesn’t excuse it. Just because Nora thinks one lousy apology makes Nicky a good person suddenly, doesn’t mean it does.)

I’m gonna paste in a pretty massive chunk of text from the foxhole court, but I think it’s all important, so bear with me. 

“Andrew is scary territorial of him. He punched me the first time I said I’d like to get Kevin too wasted to be straight.” Nicky pointed at his face, presumably where Andrew had decked him. “So yeah, I’m going to crush on safer targets until Andrew gets bored of him. That means you, since Matt’s taken and I don’t hate myself enough to try Seth. Congrats.” “Can you take the creepy down a level?” Aaron asked. “What?” Nicky asked. “He said he doesn’t swing, so obviously he needs a push.” ... “Nicky’s scheming to rape Neil,” Aaron said. “There are a couple flaws in his plan he needs to work out first, but he’ll get there sooner or later.” “You’re such an asshole,” Nicky said as he started for the door. “Wow, Nicky,” Andrew said. “You start early.” “Can you really blame me?” ... Andrew caught Nicky’s jersey in one hand and threw him hard up against the wall... “Hey Nicky,” Andrew said in stage-whisper German. “Don’t touch him, you understand?”  “You know I’d never hurt him. If he says yes-”  “I said no.”  Jesus, you’re greedy,” Nicky said. “You already have Kevin, what does it-” He went silent, but it took Neil a moment to realize why. Andrew had a short knife pressed to Nicky’s jersey...Neil knew Andrew meant it. If Nicky so much as breathed wrong right now, Andrew would cut his lungs to ribbons, any and all consequences be damned. 

 So there’s a lot to unpack there. I loose Andrew at the point where he’s ready to murder, but though he’s extreme as fuck, it’s not like he’s unjustified. We learn later from his backstory why he’s so extreme in shutting down any behavior he sees predatory, and rightfully so. (Even though there’s still Eden’s Twilight soon after this... it’s Nora’s incompetent writing isn’t it.) Nicky is a creep. He’s an adult. He has a fiance. And he’s talking about how he’s going to coerce a teenager into having sex with him because he won’t tell him his sexuality. 

He says he wouldn’t do anything without consent, but we know that’s not true. He’s just saying what Andrew wants to hear. 

And as for Andrew, though his violence is excused by backstory and mental problems, it’s a big fucking deal. He nearly killed his cousin, who we know he feels at least some sort of fondness for, because it’s established at this point that the reason he’s so heavily medicated is for attacking men who threatened Nicky. Would he regret it later? It’s impossible to say. He killed Aaron’s mom and assumed Aaron would be grateful. He’s threatened or attacked pretty much every member of the Not Lacrosse team. And I honestly don’t know what Nora is trying to tell us about him. He gets tamer once he’s permanently off his medication, but he was violent before it. I suppose that’s because by then Neil has learned how to calm him down, but is that the message? Abuse a boy into hanging out with you and eventually he’ll be a boyfriend who knows how to deal with you? 

Nicky is a predator and Andrew is a violent abuser and neither of them are the good guys and that’s the only conclusion I can possibly draw from the way they’re written. 

Assorted noteworthy moments that didn’t fit into any larger part: 

the part in trk where Nicky’s parents are homophobic and he tells them he loves his fiance and this is the moment that’s supposed to make us sympathize with him? “The sexual predator has homophobic Christian parents feel sad for him” nice try Nora but he’s not getting shit in the way of sympathy from me, your straight is showing

the part in tfc when Seth says the f-slur is bad because uh. Nora that’s not your word to say

bonus Nicky is predatory bit: Nicky waggled a hand at Aaron. “Quick, have we said anything totally incriminating these past few months?” “Aside from your endless inappropriate comments about what you’d like to do to [Neil], I don’t think so.” (tfc pg 239) 

Kevin is also manipulative! I felt like covering it would be a bit of a rehash of Andrew and this was getting really long but he continually uses exy as leverage to get Neil to do things he feels will put him in danger the same way Andrew uses threats of sharing his secrets. 

bonus bonus Nicky is predatory bit (I’m discovering more and more as I go): Nicky’s stare was appreciative when Neil returned, but for once he kept his mouth shut. (tfc pg 243) Is this supposed to be character growth? Being predatory without explicitly saying anything is barely better Nora!! (Side note, in this same scene Nicky does make a comment about Neil jacking off in the bathroom stall which? Seems kinda bad considering everything else with him?)

I didn’t touch on it very much because no one cares about it and it’s way harder to convince people poor writing about drug abuse is bad than poor writing about sexual assault is bad (even though it shouldn’t be, and i could have tried both but again. long post) but Nora’s attitude to drugs and alcohol is bad. Every character and their mom is addicted to something, with Kevin and Andrew being the most obvious touched on (also Seth but I don’t think anyone cares about him), and Nora’s attitude towards writing it is quite frankly disgusting. She’s offensively misinformed and it pisses me off to no end. But that’s a rant for another day.

Every sex scene between Neil and Andrew is gross. (I think there’s two of them from what I remember? At least two, maybe more.) I googled plenty and I couldn’t find Nora’s age anywhere, but I know for a fact that she’s an adult, and I also know the series took her 13 years to write, so I’m fairly sure she’s at least in her 30s. 

I know I said I wasn’t gonna complain about bad writing but. It’s so bad y’all, and I honestly think it gets worse as the books go along. Every time Neil monologued it took a year off my life. 

So yeah. There’s a lot that’s fucked up about the foxhole court. And the worst part of it is that it never gets better. Andrew makes marginal improvement, but Nicky never does. Nora writes shock value scenes until the series end (I didn’t write about the scene in tkm where Neil gets tortured because it’s the same shock value effect of the thanksgiving chapter in a different sort of way but it’s also bad). I am of the honest belief that this book is far too fucked up to salvage. This is my official tfc bad masterpost, because every time I criticize it someone wants to know more. But I’m also putting it in the fandom tags because it annoys me to no end that y’all support these books, and I’m hoping I can at least change someone’s mind. 

[thedrowsydoormouse]

@anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam told me to answer all the god/goddess questions so here goes nothing!

Anubis: How do you feel about death? 

It depends on the situation. I’m not good at dealing with other people dying but I myself am not scared of it. 

Atum: What are your greatest imperfections?

I’m a little too OCD sometimes to the point where I have a hard time leaving the house. 

Bastet: Do you have any cats?

I wish but I can’t because people I live with are allergic.

Hathor: What brings you joy?

Music, Disney, glitter, dancing, being weird with my friends. It’s a very long list.

Horus: What is one thing you’ve had to fight for in your life?

I’m very lucky because I haven’t really had to fight for anything super major. And even the stuff I had to “fight” for was more just like me having to give a really convincing argument.

Osiris: Do you believe in the underworld?

Yes. And there’s a good chance I’m gunna wind up there some day.

Ra: Do you have any major responsibilities or importance?

*laughs* God no! And I like it that way!

Thoth: Do you like to read/write?

I did a lot when I was younger but lately I just haven’t had the focus or inspiration to sit down and write or read.

Arawn: What is the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done?

Several people I know think I’m a witch because weird things tend to happen around me like my evil 1st grade teacher dying after I put a “curse” on her for treating me like shit. For someone who was maybe 7 or 8 at the time that’s both impressive and terrifying!

Bran: How is your health?

Shockingly really good considering I spend almost all my time sitting on my ass watching movies and eating crap!

Brighid: Tell us about your relationship with your father.

With my birth father it’s really good because we basically have the exact same personality so we get along really well. With my adopted dad it’s ok but he gets on my nerves a lot and does it on purpose just to piss me off because he has the maturity of a 12 year old.

Cernunnos: What is your favorite animal?

I love cats! I mean I also love all animals pretty much equally but cats in particular! 

Danu: What is your relationship with your mother?

My adopted mom is like one of my best friends but my birth mom is an evil manipulative psycho bitch who’s basically dead to me.

Morrigan: What do you think happens when we die?

kind of a cross between purgatory and reincarnation where part of us moves on and becomes a new person but the main part of us that makes us who we are stays behind as a ghost.

Olwen: What is your favorite flower?

I actually hate flowers because the smell gives me headaches and makes me nauseous.

Rhiannon: Have you ever been betrayed?

Multiple times by multiple people in some really horrible ways (like the ex who cheated on me with my own sister then dumped me because I wouldn’t go down on him but she would).

Bragi: What kind of music do you listen to?

Pretty much everything but mostly rock and alternative. As I’m typing this question I’m listening to Iron Man by Black Sabbath from this spotify playlist https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2fhB2uO04lD24DZBMEOb8S?si=pd6oDln_RM2bUTTPe94R6Q 

Freya: Have you ever been in love?

I currently am in love and I’ve been in love in the past. Lets hope this time it ends up working out better for me than last time! 

Freyr: Do you have any children?

No. And I don’t want any. 

Hœnir: Are you a silent or talkative person?

It depends on who I’m with. With some people I don’t say a word but with others I never shut up.

Iounn: How old are you?

24 going on 25 in November.

Loki: What is the best trick you’ve ever pulled on someone?

I actually don’t pull tricks or play pranks.

Odin: What is your family like?

Complicated. I was adopted and have a very large adopted family (most of whom I don’t speak to anymore for one reason or another but mostly bigotry) and I also consider my birth dad's side of my birth family to be part of my family but have no contact with my birth mom’s side.

Thor: Would you consider yourself pretty powerful?

I would hope so. Or else all the ghosts I’ve pissed off are going to come after me when they realize I’m defenseless!

Tree: What have you done with your life? What are you going to do with it?

So far I’ve done nothing but drop out of college and almost wind up hospitalized for anxiety related stuff. But hopefully in the near future I’ll be doing something in the entertainment industry.

Aphrodite: What do you think of yourself?

I love myself and I’m really proud of the person I’ve become.

Ares: Are you an easy person to anger?

It depends on the situation. Most of the time no. But if you’re a close-minded bigot I will unleash hell.

Athena: Would you consider yourself an artist?

I should hope so considering I went to art school and want to do something in a creative field!

Apollo: Do you play any instruments?

I used to take guitar lessons but I sucked. Now I just sing because it’s way easier!

Dionysus: Do you drink?

Regularly!

Hades: Do you have a bad reputation?

It depends on who you talk to. With most people they only every have the nicest things to say about me but with certain people who know who they are they won’t even talk about me.

Hekate: Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead?

I have tried and succeeded and do it fairly regularly.

Hermes: Have you ever stolen anything?

When I was like 3 or 4 I stole a tube of lip gloss that was like $3. 

Poseidon: Are you a moody person?

It depends on a lot of factors. I try not to be but some things just send me over the edge.

Zeus: Are you a confident person?

Some may say a little too confident. But I love my body and i love who I am and it shows and if you can’t handle that then that’s your problem and not mine.

Jupiter: Would people say that you are intimidating or fairly approachable?

For the most part I’m intimidating (I’m over 6′ tall with vibrant dark red hair and usually dressed in all black because goth). But I try to be somewhat approachable to an extent.

Pluto: Where do you think we go when we die? I kind of touched on this in a previous question where part of us moves on to another life and part of us stays behind as a ghost.

Apollo & Dianna: Do you prefer to be up during the day or at night?

I’m pretty much nocturnal at this point. 

Mars: Have you ever gotten into a fight?

Multiple times. And I always win!

Minerva: Do you generally give good advice?

I’d like to think so because a lot of people ask me for advice and they wouldn’t keep doing it if I gave bad advice.

Proserpine: Have you ever felt trapped?

Multiple times. And it gives me anxiety just thinking about it!

Plutus: Do you have a job?

Not at the moment.

Venus: Have you ever had your heart broken?

Too many times for my liking.

Vesta: Do you like being home or do you try to get out whenever you can?

I’m a home body. I love chilling on my bed in my jammies!

Morpheus: Do you daydream often? Of what?

I’m in a pretty much permanent state of daydreaming and the subject of them is constantly changing!

[delusion-of-negation]

Honestly if this girl really does have bpd like she said this makes a lot of sense. I don't mean to be ableist or anything but many people I know who have this disorder and haven't sought treatment can be very paranoid about people they think hurt them, believe in guilt by association, and have a hard time with reality. Again I'm not trying to be hurtful and I believe anyone can change with therapy which she very clearly needs

it depends on the person, bpd is a really varied condition, and what "is the illness" vs what "is the person" is a muddy question that I personally (as an alter, I may be biased) don't think is worth asking. so I never want to be like "ah yes, she is being this way because she has Makes You This Way condition" especially when it's stuff not everyone with the condition has, not everyone who is that way to that extent has the condition, we don't know the details of her situation or symptoms, whether it's the condition causing it or not is muddy even at the best of times, nine out of ten dentists recommend consulting your doctor to see if Makes You This Way condition is right for you. but to be clear, conditions have symptoms- absolutely 100% very obvious, that is indeed how that works, good job me- and sometimes those symptoms will make you act a certain way, that's a thing. when I get manic I would be turning into one of those supervillains from miraculous ladybug every time somebody phrases something rudely, I'd single-handedly destroy paris, I'm so irritable it feels like my skin is on too tight, and it is physically impossible to be all happy sunshine rainbow giggle machine when that's how you feel. like I'm sorry to the whole "your mental health issues aren't making you mean, you're just an asshole" crowd, but you try putting up with a rude person when you've barely slept and your entire body is on fire, you get snarky. that's like totally a thing and that's part of why I just don't hold grudges - because like, everyone has their reasons for acting how they did, they were being tormented by the demon in their brain, they've had a super unlucky day, they had some shit to unlearn, they were possessed by an ancient spirit, they haven't had enough sleep, they were a figment of my imagination, etc etc. and being pissy about it in a month isn't going to make it not have happened, it's just going to screw up both of our days, so I just let shit go. but speculating on the reasoning for a person's outburst in the moment tends to just escalate the pressure - I know that the only thing that makes me angrier than being told I'm lashing out because of my crazy when I'm actually not lashing out because of that, is being told it when I actually am lashing out because of that (like same with pms... okay tbf I can't quantify this to compare which is actually worse, but you get the message). anger is a very deep and primal emotion, it's a very Real feeling, like on every level, it makes you warm, it makes you nauseous, it makes your head spin while also making you focused, it makes your skin crawl, it engulfs your brain - I know that I feel anger more intensely than most people, especially neurotypicals, because of my health issues, and I often feel everything more Physically than mentally, but I think even for them it's this overwhelming feeling. so to have somebody be like "lmao quit it that's not real, that's just your silly little brain goo being silly" when you're in the middle of that storm, it just makes everything worse, y'know? so if this is her bpd making her paranoid and angry, then I don't think pointing that out would actually help all that much. that said, we're all having a hard time with reality right now, reality sucks and my psychosis has taken that as permission to go full episode, we're having a halloween special, a christmas special, the beach episode, the one where a character gets an evil clone. no but for real I'm suffering. like, psychosis and paranoia are super bad for me, and I get that, I vibe, big mood, same hat. but I'm not gonna extend sympathy to somebody who's acting like this and snubbing any sympathy I have offered thus far - if they come back in a month like "lmao sorry" I'll be like "bitch don't even worry about it, you doing good?" but right now all I can do is poke light-hearted fun at the stupid asshole being a stupid asshole in my asks, y'know? but yeah, you're not being hurtful or ableist, I don't think so anyway, just maybe not the time or place for attempted armchair psychology.

although I will push back on "everyone can change with therapy" because y'all really do need to stop treating therapy like a silver bullet. it's not magic, it's just talking. it's just teaching a handful of coping mechanisms and hoping you can talk your brain thingy into maybe punching something softer than a wall. it can't fix everything - I've posted about this a tonne before. but also, that's okay. like, I am totally for rehabilitation of criminals (heck I don't even like the word criminal, it's just like "yeah this person has law cooties" like shut up they broke the law that shouldn't be treated like a permanent debuff, it's just some dumb shit somebody wrote in a book because they were an asshole and then we all adopted some mythos about it that it's this super special awesome perfect infallible well-constructed magical thing that keeps the peace when 98% of them are like "you can't smoke this leaf you grew, ehh first cousins fucking is kinda icky tho, no butter knives in public, don't draw anime first cousins fucking I already said that was icky, you got a license for that buddy, and if you do it like this it's rape but if you do it like this it's rape 2 electric boogaloo and if you do it like this it's non-rape rape and if you do it like this it's assault by rape and if you do it like this on a tuesday at sunset it's spicy rape okay now onto sexual assault so if you do it like this it's sexual assault and if you do it like this it's assault by penetration and if you do it like this it's sexual assault by penetration by a cowboy and if you do it like-" and it's like that so they can have slightly different maximum fines for each one). but I don't support rehabilitation out of some dumb idealism that everybody is just going to stop wanting to do a crime if we fix the socioeconomics and talk to them for a bit, I say it because those things will reduce crime rates and help some people, and everybody else can just be looked after safely because why not. rehabilitative justice is just the best alternative movement to the punitive system. sticking someone in a cold, dank cage, surrounded by other troubled people, then releasing them after a few years... that definitely won't help somebody who can't be helped with therapy, and it won't help those who can be, so it's just like... people get pissy like "not everybody will be fixed tho! so we can't do it!" they want perfection from The Suggested Thing, and refuse to just look at the fact that current thing is demonstrably lightyears worse (see: renewable and nuclear power vs coal and oil, better public transport and walkable cities vs basically needing a car to do anything). I'm not a blind idealist, I know sometimes things never get fixed, and I just choose to want the systems of power to be forced to be nice in every situation. because why the fuck would you ever be like "ah yes system of power that controls our lives, here's your be a cunt card, remember you can only use it a hundred times a day :)" like bruh. [edit: to be clear, I was poking fun at the fact that here you have to have a penis for it to be classed as rape and there's just like a bunch of categories that really could all easily come under an extended rape category, I'm not saying rape should be legal lmao, just adding this because you know somebody is gonna misinterpret]

re

[lalka-laski]

are you afraid of letting people down? Yeah, but that doesn't stop me from doing it frequently... are you afraid of trusting people? Hm, I might be a little TOO trusting actually where will you be in ten years? Hopefully happy where will you be next year? Still here I'm sure is life too short to worry all the time? Yes but I can't help it. Worrying is just my nature are you a pessimist or an optimist? A pessimist I suppose, because of the anxiety who do you never want to lose? My loved ones are you confrontational? Far from it are you a pushover? Oh yes how often do you cry? A lot more than the average person do you let little things bother you? Way too often do you believe in soul mates? Absolutely. There's no doubt that Glenn and I are spiritual matters meant to meet on Earth

why are people so judgemental? I think most judgments come from a place of self-defense and protection.

list three things you’re thankful for. Glenn, my family, my friends do you believe in conspiracies? I love reading about them and hearing what wild ideas are out there but I don't necessarily subscribe to them can money buy happiness? Well it's real hard to be happy when you're homeless, hungry, ill and unable to pay for medical care etc.. what’s the greatest feeling in the world? Being loved do you believe in horoscopes? I take them with a grain of salt are you afraid of death? Very list three turn-ons. Wit, devotion & protectiveness, the ability to get along with my loved ones list three turn-offs. ARROGANCE, passiveness, shitty taste in music (lol but true) do you judge people? We all do. As I said above, it comes from a place of self-preservation most of the time. That still doesn't make it OK but that's the root of it. are you jealous of anyone? Yeah but not in a mean-spirited, bitter way, if that makes sense? I don't take my jealousy out on others. are people jealous of you? Honestly, a lot of people are jealous of mine and Glenn's relationship I think.

who is your role model? My mom, my godmother, and Nora who is your hero? ^^ do you love yourself? I am working on it. Glenn's a big help have you had a near death experience? Not exactly have you ever experienced a miracle? Yes! are you happier in a relationship? I'm the happiest I've ever been since I've started dating Glenn list three pet peeves. Slow walkers, stop & go traffic (makes me nauseous), spotty wifi do you wish on stars? Yep! And dandelions, eyelashes, etc etc... do you think you grew up too fast? Not really, no did your parents raise you well? I do. No parent is perfect but they took good care of us, instilled proper values in us, all that stuff can world peace be achieved? No way. Humanity is too greedy are you ashamed of yourself? Yes.. is racism a problem in our society? Only an ignorant idiot would say it's not

is sexism a problem in our society? Same response applies^ does age matter? In a lot of instances yes, of course what happens after death? I like to believe we go somewhere peaceful to reunite with our loved ones do you care about the environment? I do, but admittedly I don’t do much to help it. would you ever join the military? HAAAAA you got jokes! are you a leader or a follower? A follower for sure. And I don't think that's a bad thing. do you believe in magic? Yes do you fit a certain stereotype? Basic white girl, I guess is home where the heart is? Mine is <3 do you believe in karma? To an extent. But there's also a lot of people who've escaped what they deserve... do you donate to charities? I try to. But I'm too poor myself right now. ever experienced tragedy? Yes ever thought about giving up? This is very vague but yes gun control: yes or no? Even the most zealous gun nuts support SOME form of gun control. There has to be rules and standards surrounding firearms. ever had a dream come true? Yes do you think extraterrestrial life exists? There's gotta be how do you think the world will end? I can't even think about this without spiraling into a full-blown panic you just won a million dollars! :D First I'd pay off some debts, then I'd probably put the rest towards a house? I can't even imagine having that much money so I'd probably go wild your enemy was just hit by a car. I don't have any enemies as far as I know you have six months left to live. Can we not you have a baby on the way. I do not... and it belongs to your ex. BYE LOL

you woke up naked next to a friend. Weirder things have happened a waiter spilled food all over you. I'm probably the number one person a waiter would hope to spill food on because I'd be really forgiving and understanding about it you went deaf. That would be horrifying you went blind. Also horrifying you found out that you were adopted. That actually did happen to my sister you found out that your dad was gay. Now THAT would be the shock of the century you were stuck in a house with a killer. I'd die in seconds, no doubt you have no clean underwear. Wash some? a stranger called you ugly. I won't lie, I'd be hurt your friend called you ugly. Again, I'd be hurt a parent abandoned you. They would never