#I am just staying afloat. truly not living just surviving. I am not living my life and I’m too much of a coward to make a change

[de-ligts]

.

[thornsent]

Its well and truly not that I'm ungrateful for what I have and what I am given

It's just that I've had to rely on begging to survive basically my whole life and I wish more than anything I could make a living for myself without becoming violently and near immediately suicidal because of the amount of pain and stress it causes me. I wish I could just Work and Be Normal but when I've forced myself to be that way it has not worked and I've become more and more disabled over the years while barely having it recognized by the people who could help me. Instead I sell my art or I sell my body and either way I'm still left begging for help to stay afloat, because this world quite literally isn't meant for me. And I hate that.

[agirldying]

Thank you for your reply!

I don't think what I experience is dissociation per say because the numbness appears at specific times but I think I'm always overall aware of my own body/thoughts.

As for emotional amnesia I do relate to that. It made it really hard to get anything from therapy because I simply wasn't able to tell how awful I felt a couple of days prior our sessions.

I'll look into the self gaslighting a bit more but from what I've seen, the thing that might make me resonate with it is the fact that I always have the feeling that whatever happened to me is okay because it either wasn't really that bad or because I was just made to handle it. While my abuse was still ongoing as a child I did not show any sign that something was wrong. I was not carrying the burden around all the time, I just dealt with it when it happened and *almost * completely ignored it the next day. Even when I actually told my parents what was happening and a therapist asked to see me I just refused (and didn't see her as a consequence). I just wanted it to be done and now it was so why talk about it?

And I'm not sure how "healing" applies to me. What am I supposed to heal from? I'm not mentally ill. I'm not always dealing with pain either. Even things I do that are considered unhealthy aren't actively impairing me. I feel like trying to "heal" will just be a slap in the face that nothin was ever bad. By that I mean I might "try" and figure out that I really did not have to try hard at all, it would just be easy because I was never truly struggling with anything to begin with. I feel like when people talk about healing they're trying to escape from something (be it symptoms of mental illness or self destructive behavior), like (excuse the metaphor lol) trying really hard not to drown and actively struggling to stay afloat, while maybe all I have to do is simply not move and let myself float around. And maybe I should simply do that, but it feels wrong

Hey etoilause,

Dissociation can be momentary or take different forms other than a disconnect from your body or thoughts, but of course it's up to you how to describe your experiences.

The thing about enduring trauma is that often times we as survivors will act "normal" while we're actively being abused, because it's a survival mechanism. Sometimes our line of logic is that if we show we're distressed by what's happening, that could only get us in more trouble or escalate the situation. When we're in an abusive situation we do not give ourselves the time psychologically to actually process what's happening, which is why this tends to only begin once we get to a place that we can subconsciously register as safe. Instead of processing, we're focused on just surviving. I wonder if any of these things resonate with you.

But I also understand refusing therapy because you wanted to just be done with it. Even 6 months after I reached safety, I was already tired of rehashing the details in my mind. 8 years later I'm still battling it. I think sometimes we believe it's more efficient (like with avoiding escalation) to just carry on as normal and try to live as if nothing happened. But when you have trauma, that's not really possible, at least without professional help.

About the use of the word healing, I do hear what could be that internalized gaslighting, in feeling like healing almost invalidates what you've been through. I will just say that you don't have to be mentally ill to heal (and mental illnesses tend to be more... chronic? i.e you can manage it but it will likely be there indefinitely, though the same goes for trauma), and that you don't have to be always in pain to heal either. Even if you got a paper cut you can heal, you know? But that's not to minimize your experiences. Suffice to say, your pain doesn't have to be constant or debilitating to need or deserve healing.

And tied into the healing and internalized gaslighting thing is perhaps that idea that healing is to escape something. On one hand, yes absolutely, and rightfully so. But on the other hand, I think there's a certain implication attached to the word escape or even escapism, because it insinuates that it's bad to escape (not necessarily trying to say you intended for this implication, just bear with me lol). And that's maybe where I see that internalized gaslighting coming back in, because it's almost like (correct me if wrong) you think, on some level, that it's worse to heal and better to stay in the pain, however severe that is.

I hope I could help, and feel free to reply.

[butterfliesoverfeelings]

Drowning in the ocean of love

I don’t know where this ocean of love inside me begins or ends. It feels as if I’m a ship cracked and splintered, holes in every board, sinking no matter how hard I try to stay afloat. With every breath, I try to empty you from my heart, bucket by bucket. But the more I pour out, the faster it floods back in, drowning me. I am filled to the brim with you, sinking helplessly, as your love overwhelms every corner of me.

Where are you now? How are you? I still can’t stop worrying about you, even when I know it does me no good. How is your migraine? How are you living without me? These thoughts never leave. Do you hurt as much as I do? I wonder—because pain, like love, is something that demands to be felt, to be shared. But I don’t want you to suffer, even though I know you carry your hurt in silence. I know you’re hurting deeper, more quietly, more fiercely than I ever could, while I’m here, unraveling, spilling over with emotions I can’t contain.

How am I supposed to survive this? I look at your picture, and I’m stunned, every single time, by the realization that this—this is the man I love. The man I can’t stop loving. And the cruelest part? I fall for you more and more with every memory that passes through my mind. Every laugh we shared, every look, every moment—each one makes me love you in ways I can’t even put into words.

I’m not just in love with you; I am consumed by you. I am lost in you. And there’s no denying it, no fighting it, no way to express it enough for the world to understand. I am doomed, aren’t I? Doomed to carry this love forever, like an anchor pulling me under, sinking me deeper and deeper into a sea that has no end.

And yet, despite all the pain, I still can’t bear to think of you hurting. If I could take every ounce of your suffering and shoulder it myself, I would. But that’s the thing about love, isn’t it? We can’t carry each other’s pain, no matter how much we want to. Love demands we feel our own grief. And so I carry mine—and maybe I’ll carry yours, too, in my heart.

I love you. I always will. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. There’s nothing I want to do to stop it. Even if it means I never resurface, I’ll sink into this love, because it’s all I have left of you.

Forever wondering yet ever grateful,

Yours truly.

©butterfliesoverfeelings

[no-52]

hello, it’s me. I’ve thought about you for a long, long time… time for my 3 year update… Every once in a while I just think about tumblr and get extremely sentimental. Made so many friends on here and one day we just all decided to never speak again, I guess. My account got hacked and I lost a lot of followers because of it. Oh well, hope they’re fine. I no longer live in Nashville. I still am working with the artist that I was referring to in my previous post (Penny Lame, pictured here), except now we’ve been in a deeply committed relationship for a year and a half, and we live in Los Angeles with our dog (made a goofy video with him that accidentally went viral in China, Koda, and our cat, Joni. I love Gracen dearly and she apparently loves me.

I kept making music videos for all these years. After surviving COVID, I took a step back from that. It was the same situation where I felt like I wasn’t making what I need to make for my soul. I was getting lazy and pumping out thoughtless drivel and wasn’t happy with it. Last one I made was in November of last year. I liked that one a great deal. I got a job, instead, making videos for a tech company. I hate this job with every bone in my body, but it sure is nice not being a freelancer anymore. I’m saving up money to make a short film that I think is going to change my life. It’s hard to save much of anything right now though. Have a lot of debt hanging over me and California is expensive. I don’t get paid nearly as much as I was led to believe I was going to make, but I like the guys I work with.

I drive a motorcycle now. Bought as a pile of scrap and fixed it up to be my dream motorcycle from when I saw it on this very website when I was 13. A yellow 1973 Honda CB500. It’s pictured here, on a road trip to Utah that ended with my bike on fire and me stranded in the most nothing town in America (think Radiator Springs from Cars, that’s exactly it, mechanic that helped me was even named Doc) for 5 days, truly a life changing experience.

I also recently bought a 1983 Porsche 944 to learn how to work on cars. It broke down the second day I had it and it’s been a 4 month struggle trying to get it to run again. Wish me luck there.

As of right now, I don’t feel especially happy, nor do I feel an immense sense of sadness. I feel like I’m on the cusp of something really good happening to me, and I’m just in an awkward waiting period. California has been hard. I’ve lived here for 2 years now. I’ve been mugged (but you should see the other guys), hit by 2 cars, then COVID started and my car was stolen, tires on motorcycle blew out while I was riding, and I am exhausted. I’m treading water as hard as I possibly can, trying to stay afloat. I think everything will turn out alright. Sometimes it does. I can’t wait for my next 3 year update. If I remember, maybe we’ll go for a yearly post.

Godspeed.

[redwinterroses]

it is time! to talk about Void Walkers, End Cities, and to spice it up a little, Watchers as well!

Voidwalkers: Status: Very Rare Classification: Player Void Walkers have become incredibly rare after the fall of the great end civilizations, presumably even fewer still live in the End to this day. The Void Walkers of the Overworld rarely reveal themself either, rather disguising as other species to avoid unwanted attention. As their naming suggests, Void Walkers are the only known species to have developed a resistance to the Void, capable of surviving in it for a significant amount of time. Their original habitat was on the underside of bigger End islands, along with wild shulkers.

Void Walkers are one of the few player species capable of (limited) shapeshifting. Their base shape are tall humanoids covered in "void marks" which differ from individual to individual, with supposedly no two Void Walkers looking the same. These dark colorations spread the more time a Void Walker spends close to or in the Void, with those who have never left the Overworld only sporting freckles. Their wings remind of elytra, being of a similar insectoid shape and chitinous material, though colors differ. A more detailed description is near impossible, as they subconsciously shapeshift their appearance at all times. Void Walkers who grew up around other players for example usually mimic those they grew up with or whoever they currently feel a close familial bond to, while stories suggest native End Void Walkers mimic Endermen or the Void itself, with black-stained limbs and sharper claws and teeth. Their intentional shapeshifting is limited to a general humanoid shape and their actual size, along with imagination and practice in holding a form. Adding or hiding limbs is said to be incredibly hard, but Void Walkers hiding their true nature still often choose to shift their wings away.

The evolution of Void Walkers is a complex web of other, older End species, with the most accepted theory being them originating from hybrids of Lesser End Avians, early Endermen and Mirage Ray (Phantom ancestor) Hybrids*. Like Endermen, a diet of chorus fruit gives them the ability to teleport.

Void Walkers are so adapted to the harsh environment of the lower End and Void that they cannot survive in any of the other dimensions without at least masks to filter excess oxygen out of the air. Thermoregulating armor is also recommended, as the lower End and Void are incredibly cold.

End Cities:

Before the End was turned into the empty wasteland we know today by power-hungry dragons, raiders and greedy elytra hunters, End Cities were busy settlements in all shapes and sizes, spread out across the dimension with busy trade routes between them. The not-quite-Endermen of the past were their main inhabitants, along with End Hybrids, Void Walkers and the occasional Avian. Trade happened not only between the cities, but also with the Overworld, as the End has neither wood nor ores (though chorus plant stems, if prepared right by skilled craftsmen, were quite sturdy building material similar enough to wood, or alternatively quite soft fibre for cloth). Around the cities were carefully tended to forests of chorus plants for their useful stems and fruit alike, shulker farms to harvest their bullets to keep the end ships flying and their meat to feed the people and finally roosts for Mirage Rays for simpler transport or once again, meat. The farmed goods were sold in markets inside the endstone towers of each city, the tall buildings being clear landmarks and docks for the flying ships alike. A shame that chorus stem crafts do not preserve well over time, leaving only purpur and endstone behind.

The fall of the End Cities began with the Endermen, their minds stolen by the dragon, their cities left abandoned. The remaining Hybrids, Void Walkers and Avians tried to stay afloat, but raiders from the other dimensions arrived as soon as word of the Endermen's fate got around, looting all unprepared settlements they could find. The elytra hunters were the final nail in the coffin, raiders who were only after the legendary wings finally resorting to hunting down anything in the End capable of flight.

Finally, the portals were closed, by who is unknown, but for most inhabitants of the End it was far too late. Void Walkers hid below the bigger islands, basically within the Void, while some Avians may have flown far enough out to survive as well. And the empty cities remained, silent monuments to a fading past.

bonus Watchers: Status: ??? Classification: ??? All that is known for sure about the Watchers is that they came from the End. Some speculate they are the last truly free Endermen, warped beyond recognition by the Void. It is unknown where exactly they reside, how they acquired their powerful magic and wings, or what motivates their seemingly random actions. All players know is that the presence of a Watcher, no matter their intentions, is never a good sign.

* mob hybrids and actual hybrids of two different species aren't the same thing. "mob hybrids" are actually a mix of standard player data and the data of a mob and spawn into the world like that, counting as full players with some interesting additions. actual hybrids tend to get really weird because different species codes can clash and glitch something fierce

And thats it for the End headcanons! Just to be clear these are completely free for anyone to use (i sure aint doing anything with all these ideas) just nobody go and copy them word for word and say they're their own. For more fun overly detailed headcanons about all things minecraft do not hesitate to ask, send a pigeon or just think really hard in my general direction

you have put so much work and imagination into these and _I love them._ This kind of worldbuilding takes Minecraft lore out of game mechanic territory and into epic fantasy lands and I am HERE for it.

[efsukirtiyashi]

Day 19

GKP 1:28 pm. May 5 , 2022

Writing after a very long time .. many things have changed since the last time I wrote .. the people of the world have been tested by the mighty miniscule invisible Corona virus .. millions of families have lost their loved ones .. fortunate are those who have survived all these .. I lost my grandmother just before COVID struck .. and then .. gained a lot ... lost a lot as well !!

But still in the fight ..

Hopefully gonna be a postgraduate this year ... Preparing to take my dad's legacy forward .. need all your blessings .

There have been many times that I felt like starting a fundraiser for rebuilding out house because it's financially not feasible for us .. contrary to what people might think .. yes my parents do come from a family wealth but they lost it all .. why ?? you might ask .. that's because they were way to kind to people who took advantage of them their whole life .. untill the point where there was nothing more left to give apart from our lives .. and the reason that I am able to write here is because of those handful of people .. I'd rather call them angelic souls.. they stood by my parents when we had absolutely nothing .. they are kind enough to be with us even today .. and my parents have always told me about these angelic souls .. and I'm truly grateful and forever indebted to them.

I want them to know that as long as I shall live .. I'm always there for them with however little capacity that I have managed to acquire .!!

There have been a lot of selfish mean unkind people around us .. always .. as I'm sure they must be around everyone in different forms .. trying to bring shame upon thy name and belittle you.. in front of the world through false words ... but these angelic souls have always helped us stay afloat in this ocean of dangerous and treacherous minded people ... God has been extremely kind in sending us his help !!

Enough of this .. so yeah .. I didn't start the fundraiser .. cause there are a lot of people in much worse condition than we are and there are a few people who are in a position to help others .. and if someone in this position is reading this .. please start helping the less fortunate ones if you already haven't .!!

And secondly, because I am working hard to improve our condition and it is wrong to ask anyone to help us because they have also worked hard as equally as me if not more .. but if I may ask for something .. it would be to have goodness for all !!

P.S. : I wouldn't mind if someone would put in a prayer for my family's well-being as well !! 😜

I wish I could share the events in detail ... perhaps someday .. till then ...

May you all be bound in happiness , good health and jhappi of your loved ones . 🤗🤗❤️🙏🏻

[jinterlude]

Mik’s Follow Forever

↳ Resource Credits: Seokjin | Floral PNG 

Hi and hello everyone! Wow. Can we just take a moment to appreciate that we survived the shit storm that is 2020? Ranging from the pandemic to politics to social injustice happening around the world, we manage to stay resilience to the say the least. With that said, I wanted to finally acknowledged that I hit a big milestone as of November (?) or was it September (?) [I don’t even know anymore LOL😂]! Before I get into my letters underneath this cut, I wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for following me! Even though, I post once in a blue moon, and my blog is run on queue 24/7, you still hit that follow button! For that, thank you so much for giving my blog a chance, whether it’s for the multi-fandom content I reblog or my very own creations, something made you stay 💙 Alright let’s get to the personal letters 💌 

To Jey @softjeon : 

Jey. Honestly, where do I begin with you? The End. Just kidding! Damn. I can’t believe you’re one of my oldest friend on this website. We have had our ups and downs, but our friendship always manages to come out strong in the end. You and I always manage to be on the same wavelength in terms of story telling, talking about everything and anything, or just shooting some random ass, extreme ideas that manage to go to the WIP pile in our brains. While, we do not talk as frequently as we used to (I blame school + internship on that part), I just know that I can always go to your DMs whenever I need someone to talk to or if I want to randomly bug you. You my hardworking queen is a force to reckon with, and I am forever in awe of your work ethics. Like who can simultaneously run 20+ blogs? You. That’s who. Granted, knowing you, there’s some tears and sweat (mainly tears with that), but the finished product is worth it in the end. I honestly can’t wait for the day when we have our own apartment, and we can just sit in silence in our living room couch with our fur babies. Can’t wait to see what 2021 has in store for you and know that I’m cheering you on every step of the way (whether it is in silence or vocally). Love you, Queen Jey! 

Signed, 

Your first wife, Kimi 

p.s. thank you for giving/helping me with the idea of creating KWW and creating our seasonal themed headers (all while promoting girl groups)! Seriously, thank you for being and staying in my life. T-T

To my fellow BHQ Admin/Mod Team [ @chillingkoo @/guktro @mygsii @dee-ehn @nightowls388 @yoonqiful @taerseok   @btsxdoll @minloop @namluve ​ ]: 

What can I say except this is an amazing team to be part of in terms of Networks? The Head Admins Vivi, Gray, & Renae are like the board of directors that help make sure that the operation runs smoothly. Then, us Admins (Danica, myself, & Daria) are like the VP’s followed by the amazing Mods (Beezy, Penelope, Daija, & Dani) are the Supervisors/Managers of each division. What I am going with this business analogy is that BHQ is nothing without the amazing team members that make up the network, and I am grateful to be part of a cohesive team where I truly felt like I was with Gray since the beginning of the network establishment. It is thanks to this network (BHQ) that I learned how to run my own network more smoothly and professionally. I can’t wait to see what 2021 has in store for BHQ. Thank you for being amazing and wonderful people and just being a rock for the members during the major events that occurred throughout this year. You’re the best! 

- Mik

To my fellow KWW Admin/Mod Team [ @queen-of-himbos​ @atiny-piratequeen​ @sugarcookiesandsins​ @meraki-mark​ @samuelkimz​ ]: 

First, can I say to the fellow admins, thank you for keeping me sane and helping me run this network while I was swamped with school + internship. Forever grateful of both you (Kes) and Fie for being a driving force and keeping the network afloat while I focused on my school work. It is no secret that I had confrontation, so I’m thankful that either Kes or Fie agrees to being the enforcer and messages someone for me T-T Also, Kes, thank you so much for taking over the coding/member page for me all while still doing the queue. I can never say this enough, but thank you for doing that. Fie, thank you for lightly slapping me and keeping me sane whenever I feel quick to jump the gun. You are there to help me see reason and point out things that I overlook a lot. (This is why I have Jey too lol) To my wonderful Queue-tie Pies! Thank you so much for dedicating a few hours out of your day to add content to the queue and keeping our blog alive! KWW is nothing without you amazing mods. I hope you all know that! Let’s kick butt together in 2021!

- Admin Mik 

To my fellow supportive and loving SIMPS [ @ppersonna​ @jinned​ @sunkissedjk​ @hongism​ @monotape​ @wintertae​ @dreamyhan​ @koophoriia​ @j-sope​ ]: 

First of all, how are you doing on this lovely Wednesday (well it’s Wednesday when I wrote & posted this lol)? I hope each and every one of you are doing fine! I feel bad that I haven’t been in touch lately uwu but I do silently stalk/lurk on the Bangtan University discord server or on your personal blogs (totally not weird whatsoever). I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! Now, simply put, I want to say that I’m thankful that you all came into my life this year. In some shape or form, you made my 2020 incredibly bright and filled with so much inspiration and passion for writing that I honestly believed that I would not get back. Whether it is by joining a collab with you all, simply talking about ideas or just in general, or even screaming about potential AUs, you made me want to write again. For that, I am extremely appreciative of it and know that I will forever be a silent cheerleader for you all! 2021 will be the year I invade your ask box a lot more and just scream how much I love you all! You are all rays of sunshine on this website!

- Owner of Mikdonalds, home of the famous Mikimchi

To Kat @yeoldontknow​ & Sarah @yehet-me-up​: 

First, long time and no talk! How are my resident EXO wives doing? Are Chanyeol and Junmyeon treating you ladies well? I hope so! Anyway, I honestly can’t not include you two ladies in my Holiday thank you post because how can I not include the two authors I look up to the most on this website. With how you write your characters, the scenery, background information on the reader/OC, you just leave me completely speech less whenever I finish reading your works. Ah, I might start tearing up as I write this section because I just can’t thank God or fate enough for allowing me to meet two of the most beautiful souls on this website. While we do not talk as frequently as we used to, I wanted to let you both know that I hope you had a wonderful Holiday! Whatever 2021 has in store for you both, just know that you have a silent cheerleader in good old CA! 

- Mrs. Kim Kim 

To every single one of my followers (mutuals or not): 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much, again, for following me and just staying with me. For my newly established mutuals, I can’t wait to talk and get to know you all in 2021! Granted, I suck at talking and keeping the conversation going, so I apologize for that. I promise I will be better!! I want more friends, okay! T-T 

Anywho...

TLDR: Let’s kick butt together in 2021! Also, I’m establishing my New Year Goal of that I will become more consistent of writing + posting content. Instead of once every blue moon, it will be once every full moon. See? That’s doable, right? Right?!

- Mik

[sheislearning]

Sometimes I think something is wrong with my mom.

** this is going to be a really long story, I'm sorry, but I needed to get rid of all of this**

I have been living with a depression (non diagnosed, because I don't have the money to go to a psychologist) for some time now.

The thing is that I've thought about taking my life more than once since being s teenager, but specially this last year (I'm 24 y.o. now).

I haven't done it mostly because of my mom, and also my dad. I don't want to cause them suffering.

Recently I've been really bad into the depression, but at least I could convince my mom that I do have a depression (she thought I was exaggerating before). She's been pushing me to try to focus myself, because I don't have a job (I live in Spain, and here it's really difficult to find s job nowadays, specially if you are young and inexperienced). I'm going to Germany to visit some family and get better at German, and at last to try to find a job there maybe.

Today I told her about trying to buy a skate there to do some exercise and to learn skateboarding, something I've always wanted but were too scared and embarrassed to do (I'm a woman, and idk I just don't look like a teenager, I have a more mature body and somehow it's embarrassing to do skateboarding when I don't look like a teenager, idk why). I asked what did she think about it and she said it wasn't a good idea, that it was not something easy and to focus myself in what is important.

Then I told her that I'd like to maybe go and have some little adventures there, not expensive ones, little ones, but adventures after all. She turned serious and said that I couldn't do that, that I have to think about my future. That I can't expend my family's money in those things.

I understand. I do. The money I have comes from my German family because my mom's a single mom and we don't have any money. But I've been responsible all my life. I didn't go to parties while teenager or in my early 20s, because of money. I haven't traveled at all. I didn't do Erasmus (it's studying at other universities for a semester) because of money. I haven't lived at all. I spent all these years worrying about my future, my future job and the boyfriend I had. Never thought of myself.

And now that I'm burned. That getting up every day is an effort, that I can't focus in anything, that I find difficult to do almost everything that demands some concentration, that I don't even get any pleasure by doing things that I really enjoyed before...

Shouldn't I be able to live a little bit? I really need a reason to live. Seriously. I don't have any. I'm struggling to find something in this world worth living for. Seriously. I'm scared of myself. I'm driving sometimes and I just think that it would be so easy to just turn the steering wheel suddenly and, by that, stop all of this. I sometimes think that I don't have any future, that there's nothing worth this suffering, that I'm not enough and will never be.

And today, when she told me that, what I said before, I answered saying the truth: that I think she doesn't really understand how bad my mental health is, that I've really thought of su*c*de, that I've always been responsible and I think now is my time to just enjoy a little bit. I told her I wasn't too ambitious, I didn't plan on going to a big trip to other countries, as many of my friends have done. I was just talking about going to a city that is 3h from the city my German family live. Maybe staying one night in a cheap hotel or whatever. She still thought I was selfish because I was spending her family's money.

I do understand. But when I started really crying after confessing about wanting to end my life, she came, hugged me and said: focus yourself (basically focus on finding a job/future).

Wtf. I just told you I've thought about ending my life more than once. What the..? Your daughter tells you that and instead of, oh, idk, trying to comfort her and tell her that you are by her side, that you understand, that you are going to help me, that you can try to guide me... You just... Say... Focus? That's it?

And then I squeak something like: focus? Really? That is just like if you said "calm yourself" or "keep calm" to someone in the middle of a anxiety attack. She complains a little and I answered insisting. I go to my bedroom. And she...

She just...

She just keeps watching tv.

Wtf.

Are you fucking serious? Are you a fucking psychopath?

The only reason why I don't k*ll myself is you, damn. And you... You keep watching tv. If I did k*ll myself... Would you still keep watching tv?

I'm trying to stay afloat. I'm grabbing what little force and will and hope I still can have and I'm trying to use it to survive. I'm trying to talk about my feelings, to not keep everything inside me... But she...

I swear I'm trying but sometimes I don't see the point in living. I don't see the point in trying anymore.

I know I look like a lazy person, waking up late, spending my whole day inside my bed, reading... Eating a lot. Sometimes going out with some friends. Laughing every now and then. I know I look ungrateful.

Don't you thing, mom, that I don't feel that? That I don't feel not useful, that I don't feel good enough, clever enough, independent enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, kind enough... Whatever enough? I do.

What you don't see is the lack of everything. I get up late because I don't wanna wake up. I don't wanna be here. I want to be in a world of dreams where I don't have to live any more stress.

You don't see I don't get up early because I go to sleep late because I'm finally feeling something at night reading, after hours trying to feel anything I finally focused enough in my book that I'm actually enjoying it and feeling *something*.

You don't see that spend my whole day in bed because I don't see the point in doing anything, I don't know what to do, or i don't want to see the world, I don't have the energy in me to face it.

You don't see that eating is a way to feel. Eating chocolate sends endorphins into my brain. I don't get many endorphins nowadays anymore. Eating makes me feel something. Eating fills me inside, distracts me, makes me full of something, even if it's just food and not joy.

You don't see that I'm not lazy, I just don't have any motivation. I burned out. I kept burning through the last years. I gave everything in me.

I know I'm not the most responsible person or the most active one, I am not saying I'm not lazy at all. But it's not why I'm in bed.

I'm sorry, mom. I don't know how to say this. And you won't understand me anyway, because you are too fucking proud to see it. But you have never really supported me.

I know you shouldn't live for your kids, you shouldn't give all of yourself to them, you are your own entity, you have a life of your own. But I've never felt you by my side.

When I kept asking you through all my childhood to stop smoking, or at least stop smoking infront of me? You didn't give a fuck. You kept smoking your filthy cigars/whatever in front of me, you didn't give a shit about my health. Not even when Opa died of lung cancer. I begged you more than once. That was something important for me. You said I was wrong when I said that smoking was more important for you than I was, but that's what you showed me. And actions speak louder than words.

When I was lost and didn't know what to study at university? You said you supported me. But supporting is also guiding sometimes. And I was truly lost. You said you talked to me about it, but you are wrong. You never researched with me, never spent hours looking for different career paths, subjects, possible jobs,... You didn't. You said you didn't know about how it worked. I didn't either. But I had you do it by myself. I was 17yo. You were 49yo. I needed a guide to support me. You weren't there.

I'm sorry, that was wrong. You were there. You were there to give judgement when I failed at my first year at university. To say: I told you so, that wasn't the degree for you. And then pushed to the degree you wanted for me. Did you ever researched a little about what future I could have studying that here in Spain? Should I say it? No, you didn't. What future do I have here? None, apparently.

When I finished my degree...where you there to help me finding a job? Creating a curriculum? Finding courses or something? No, I'm sorry but you were not there. I know I didn't ask for help. That was my mistake, I just wanted to be strong and show you I could do it. But I was so lost. You told me once that you couldn't have helped me anyway because you didn't really know how to find jobs, because you've had the same job for forever. Do you think I knew how to do all that? I didn't. But you could have spent some time researching with me, guiding me with whatever experience you had.

I'm really sorry, but you've supported me with words, and not even that sometimes. You complain that I don't enjoy spending time with you, but have you wondered why? Maybe because I feel that I have to demonstrate something to you, because when I'm not strong enough you remind me of it, instead of supporting me. Not just with words that usually feel more like judgment than support. But with actions. Because actions speak louder than words.

And you know what would have spoken loud? Maybe renouncing to your smoking or maybe to cut some other fun expenses to maybe pay for an hour with a psychologist once a month (that like 50/60€) to save your daughter's life. Don't you think so? I'm not trying to attack you or judge you, but it's what I feel.

That being said... Guys, if you feel something similar to what I do, speaking about depression, ask you help, in any way possible. I hope you'll get more help than I do.

[libsterslobsters]

Ramble On

Summary: Late night phone calls are rarely good, especially when they come from someone known for texting. Or maybe, just this once, it's for the best

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x gem! enhanced! Reader

(Reader sees bits of the future, understands all languages, and processes information abnormally quickly)

Warnings: Strong language, tiny bit of angst, mostly fluff

Author's note: Reader is unnamed, but when I'm writing this character, I call her Violet.

*************************************************

 As she rolls over, rearranging the covers around her for what must be the fiftieth time in an hour, she catches sight of the bedside clock. 2 a.m. She really needs to get to sleep. She has an interview in the morning, after all. The only problem: she can’t, too worried about what the outcome will be to get any rest.

 There’s so much riding on this one meeting. If she gets the job, teaching English as a second language at an actual college in Bucharest as opposed to in her apartment, her whole life will change. It will no longer be a constant struggle to stay afloat, often leading to the choice of whether she’s going to pay her heating or electric bill this month, eat or have a place to live.

 Applying for any job is a risk, because what if they look her up and a notification pops up on SHIELD’s radar? She’s forged her papers well, payed the right person to invent a background for her, but while it may hold up under the Romanians’ scrutiny, will it be enough to convince anyone lurking in the shadows that she’s a perfectly normal woman with nothing to hide? Or will there be a knock on her door in the middle of the night, followed by her being captured, herded onto a plane and then locked in a cell or worse?

 Rolling over once again, she tries to convince herself that enough time has passed, she looks different enough from the scared eighteen year old that flagged the American government’s interest when she fool-hardily took a job as an intern translator and performed a little too well.

 It’s not long before she’s tossing and turning once more, and this time her phone’s screen lights up. 2:30. Only three and a half more hours before she’s got to get up and prepare for the day ahead. She wishes she had some tea left, but she ran out three days ago. For a few minutes, she plays on her phone, rereading old messages between Barnes and herself, but eventually she has to stop. Thinking about him definitely isn’t helping her sleep, especially since she knows, no matter how much she wishes it were otherwise, he’ll never care for her the way she cares for him.

 Chiding herself for allowing the foolish longing for something different, for the man who’s only ever been kind to her, treated her like a close friend, to want her, she tosses her phone to the side and closes her eyes. She’s completely unaware that, inadvertently, she’s hit the little icon of a telephone and on the other side of the city, a ringing noise is filling the air.

__________________________________________________________________________________ 

 He’s not asleep when his phone rings. Not even so much as dozing. Still, it takes a few moments for Bucky to put together that the whirring noise is coming from his phone, and he should probably check to see who it is. As her name flashes on the screen, all weariness disappears, replaced at first by excitement, and then when he answers, receiving no reply, worry. It’s not like her to call this late, or really, to call at all without texting first to make sure he’s free (even though he’s told her multiple times to call whenever she likes, he’ll always answer). His first instinct is to rush over to her apartment and make sure she’s alright, but ultimately, a cooler head prevails. He should try to call her back first. Maybe they have a bad connection and she couldn’t hear him.

 That’s what he does, and after the third ring, she picks up.

 “Bucky?” It’s said in a voice that’s rough with disuse. “What’s going on? Are you alright?” That’s supposed to be his line.

 “I’m fine. What about you?” He hears her yawn over the line.

 “Dealing with some insomnia, but nothing huge.” Funny. She sounds exhausted.

 “Is that why you called? You’re having trouble sleeping?”

 “What?” He can imagine her brow furrowing in keeping with the confusion in her voice. “I didn’t call.”

 “You did. Didn’t say anything, though.”

 There’s a pause, and then-

 “Crap. I’m sorry, Buck. I must’ve rolled over on my phone and accidentally called you.” Oh. Now it makes sense.

 “It’s alright.”

 He’s about to tell her that his night’s so much better for hearing her voice, but stops short at the last second. It’s been going on for a few months, these casual dates at one or the other of their apartments, occasionally a cheap restaurant in the city, or just out for a walk. Still, he hasn’t so much as kissed her yet, too worried that he’ll push too far and frighten her, or worse, make her feel like she has to do something she doesn’t truly want. She hasn’t made a move to speed things up either, so he’s waiting, taking things slow. It doesn’t bother him; he’s got all the time in the world on his hands, and frankly, he’s enjoying just getting to know all the little things about her.  Still, he doesn’t want to come on too strong, so he simply says,

 “Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

 “Nothing.” She chuckles, but he can tell it’s faked for his benefit. “I’ll let you go now.”

 “No, you won’t. You’re going to tell me what’s keeping you up so that maybe you can get some rest before the sun comes up.” He internally winces as his words. It sounds like he’s ordering her around.

 “Alright.” She sighs. “I have that interview tomorrow-” He nods, even though she can’t see him. “-and I think I’m just too in my head about it, you know? I keep going over all the ways it could go south, and the more I try to push that aside, the more I think about it.” 

 He chooses his words carefully, knowing that it’s not just the possibility that she won’t get the job that’s worrying her.

 “They don’t check things as closely here as they do back home. And even if they did decide to do some sort of background check, so far as all your paperwork is concerned, you’re just another college grad looking to put your teaching degree to use.”

 He may have done a little reconnaissance, gotten into certain government buildings not open to the public and checked out exactly what they know about her just to make sure her forgeries would stand up, but she doesn’t need to know that. It would just worry her that he’s taking unnecessary risks over something she doesn’t consider a necessity.

 “I know. It’s just a niggling feeling. Not a vision or anything. Just paranoia.” 

 Speaking of…

 “Have you had any visions lately?” Sometimes they’re funny. Sometimes useful. Sometimes, downright bizarre.

 “Yes. I’m having one right now of you sitting up in bed, talking on the phone when you should definitely be sleeping because you’re too polite to tell me I woke you up.”

 “Must be something that hasn’t happened yet, because I’m actually lying down, and I was wide awake when you called.” He hopes that’ll be enough to assuage her guilt.

 “Hm… I’m calling bullshit on that, Barnes. Have you looked at the time? It’s nearly three a.m.”

 “It is, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was up.” She’s not going to believe him unless he explains. “I don’t sleep much.” 

 “Part of the super soldier thing?”

 “I don’t think so. More like I’m afraid that if I close my eyes, they’ll get the drop on me and put me back on ice.” He definitely didn’t mean to say that last part, but now that it’s out there, he can’t take it back.

 “Bucky, you need to sleep. That’s not healthy.” The corners of his lips turn up. All the way across the city, awake at three a.m., and she’s scolding him for not getting his beauty rest.

 “Neither is worrying about a job interview that you’ve got in the bag since you’re a great teacher.”

 They’d be stupid not to hire her. She literally speaks every language on the planet, and even though they won’t know that part, she’s still completely qualified. Plus, she’ll give this job her all, work harder than anyone else they could possibly hire, because she actually cares about the people she’s teaching. Them; not just their lives so far as it pertains to her classroom.

 “How would you know that? You’ve never been one of my students.” Maybe not, but she’s taught him so much, like how to be alive again instead of just surviving. But, he should probably keep that to himself.

 “Well, I already speak English.”

 “Good point. Spanish, then?”

 “Afraid I speak that one too.”

 “French? Mandarin?”

 “Yes and yes.”

 “What about gibberish? Surely you’re not fluent in gibberish.” 

 He chuckles.

 “You’ve got me there. I don’t speak it.”

 “That’s too bad, because I’m only conversational.” Another yawn sounds from her side of the phone. “Alright, this time I really am letting you go.” Good. Hopefully, she’s finally able to get some rest now that she’s shifted some of the weight of her worries to him. “Goodnight, Bucky. Thanks for talking me down.”

 “Goodnight, Doll. You’re gonna knock ‘em dead.”

 As the call ends, his phone flashing the length of their conversation, Bucky finds that maybe, just maybe, he’ll get some sleep tonight after all.

[runawayfairie]

━♡ guess the 21 YEAR OLD NOVEMBER baby just arrived to dallyeog! it makes sense, because AHN SEOJIN is just as RAW as the month of NOVEMBER. wait, why do they remind me of LEE GAHYEON? beyond that, they seemed OUTGOING & RESOURCEFUL upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of REBELLIOUS & SELF-SERVING though. i hope they get acquainted here in COMPLEX # 4 / APARTMENT # 6 / FLOOR # 3 ; they seem to have a lot going on with HER job as BUSKER (unemployed).( Bee, 24, she/her, cst. )

Hello everyone!!! My name is Bee ( the 2nd lol. She/her, 24, cst! ) and I’m so happy to be in this group with my sad girl Seojin!  Please add me on discord too, its so much easier to message there! bee121#9991 I will be posting links to her navigation but I’ll also put in a little bio under the cut with some plot ideas and connections I need filled out! Feel free to message me or like this post and I’ll come message you lovely people!! ━♡

Profile || Wanted Connections || Plots || Full Nav  Pin Board & Playlist for Muse!

━♡ STATS & BASIC INFO

☾ Ahn Seojin is 21 years old, born November 5th, 1999 and the moment she was born her life was nothing but struggle. 

☾ Backstory!!  Seojin never knew her dad because she was actually the result of a scandal between a man who was married with a family of his own and her mother. The two had a secret relationship for years before she came along, naively her mother thought he would do something for them but instead of physically being there for them he simply paid her off and forced her to never speak of the affair or the accidental kid. He gave them enough to get by on, or what he deemed was enough, and sent them away. Her mother had to work multiple jobs to keep them afloat and they were happy for a while with just the two of them. Her mother died her junior year of high school and she ended up dropping out to work because she wouldn’t of survived if she’d continued school. With no other family to lean on, any relatives on her maternal side disowned them the second they found out about her and she didn’t even know her father, not that she would want his help anyway, she was on her own and did her best to get by. This resulted in her having to work any job that would give her a chance but it wouldn’t be long until she was fired for stealing food or supplies she wasn’t able to pay for, since most of her paycheck went towards trying to keep the apartment her mother and her had. It also wasn’t long before she eventually lost that too and she was on the streets for a while, finding people to stay with or spending most nights in internet cafes or norebong bars. She finally realized that she could make more money singing in busy shopping districts, especially when its known for attracting tourists, and with this new “job” she was able to barely afford a new apartment! Now she’s living in Dallyeog and life is looking up!

━♡ PERSONALITY

x  Just like the changing and chilling weather of November, Seojin is quick to adapt to whatever life throws at her, no matter how dark or difficult it may be. She is very extroverted and comes off as extremely sweet and friendly, but she is quick to get defensive and although she is always dealing with something she rarely ever shares her personal issues with others. She likes to live in the moment and not worry about the past or the future, even if she does dwell and overanalyze everything in her life when she lays down to try and sleep.

x She likes fun above all else, any excuse to have a good time is something she is totally down for, anything that keeps things light and impersonal. When people try to get to know her personally she tends to take a step back, putting up a bit of a wall around herself for protection.

x She likes to be the center of attention, the life of the party, and she tends to surround herself with a lot of people and from an outsider’s perspective you could assume that she was very popular and had many friends, but she never really let anyone get close enough to truly start to know who she really is. She is worried that people will think she’s no good, broken, a waste of space- all that stuff, and she tries to make herself as likable as possible so that people will want to keep her around.

━♡ WANTED CONNECTIONS / PLOTS

★ Family Connection wanted!!  Seojin never knew her dad because she was basically a “mistake” from the beginning, no one could know about her lest her father’s “perfect reputation” be soiled by HIS mistake. He couldn’t let his own family find out either so she wasn’t even told his name, she took her mother’s surname which is exactly how she wanted it. She does eventually find out who he was and learns that she had a half sibling (or siblings) that were living in Seoul and she wants to learn more about them. Do they know about her?? Would they be mortified? Embarrassed? Angry? Would they be able to get along maybe..? After all, they are the only family she has now, so she feels like she has to try. || OPEN ||

★ Much like a stray cat, Seojin is always over at other people’s apartments begging for food, she seems to always know when someone is cooking, and she tends to spend a lot of time on couches receiving love and affection while she talks about where she went out the night before. Her heat and electricity is often shut off at some point towards the end of each month because she is late on payments, which is also why she’s always seeking out meals. (Rip her empty fridge lol) I am needed many muses who either don’t mind her coming over for food or people who seem to have to just deal with her because she’s cute and they pity her or just enjoy her company. || OPEN for many muses ||

★  As a way to deal with what she’s been through, Seojin has been known to party and go out, sometimes more than she really should, and you can be sure that she’d never turn down an invitation to have a night out on the town! She goes out often and makes it almost a game to find new places that are tucked away and usually have secret menus. If your muse ever wants a drinking partner, she’s your girl!! || OPEN for many muses ||

★ Wanna go on a picnic? Food and drinks on me! Or well.. The convenient store down the street! She may be a little bit of a clepto.. but it’s not because it’s an addiction, it’s because she needed to do this to get by, and it’s so much easier than paying for things! She’s gotten quite good at it too, she rarely ever gets caught anymore. Does your muse approve? Will they join in? Turn her in? || OPEN ||

★ “Would you light my candle~?” -Rent Seojin comes to your muse’s apartment complaining that her electricity and heat is off and she needs a candle lit and maybe some time to warm herself up. She is looking for company and maybe a place to sleep, and she isn’t too shy about how grateful she would be to them and how she would definitely repay them, make it “worth their while”.  ( I get big Mimi vibes from Seojin in most ways but the junky part, she is more into alcohol than drugs. I just love this song so much and think a plot like this scene would be fun! ) || OPEN ||

★ (more to come soon, if you have any ideas feel free to message me!)

[bigskydreaming]

So this is definitely one of my least favorite things to do, because there’s so many people on here that need help, but if anyone has a couple bucks or a five they can spare, that would be an enormous help to me today. 

For those that know my situation, as far as I know, everything is still on track for me to have the lets-pull-all-twenty-eight - of-your-remaining-teeth-at-once-it’ll-be-fun! surgery on Tuesday. I’m reeeeally looking forward to it, and also the Month of Living Without Any Teeth At All while I heal and they figure out the fittings and everything for my bionic teeth or whatever. Everything about it sounds swell. Can’t wait, it’ll be great.

SO. The plan is for me to take the bus out to the desert on Monday afternoon, reenact some of the best scenes from Saw on Tuesday morning while under hopefully heavy sedation, with fingers and toes crossed that these doctors actually listen to me for once about my ridiculous metabolism making most anesthetics wear off super fast. Because. Ugh. Doctors literally never believe me about that which has led to some pretty not cool experiences in the past, but none of those experiences have been yanking out every one of my teeth by the root all in one go, soooooooo, if ever there was a time for them to think maybe I actually know what I’m talking about and make adjustments for that, I’m pretty sure I want this to be that time. 

Thanks to my keen intuition, I have predicted that this whole process is something I probably want to be deeply unconscious for, and during, and tbh, maybe a week or so after that too. But like, I’ll mostly settle for just not waking up when they’re only actually on tooth eight, you know?

If I seem like I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous, its probably cuz I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous. I’m so not kidding about unpleasant experiences with anesthetics in the past, so while this wasn’t actually my reason for making this post, while I’m thinking about it, if anyone wants to also maybe shoot a quick prayer-tweet over to whomever you might personally @ with that kind of thing, I would be super grateful for anything of that nature, like something along the lines of “Dear Merciful Higher Power/Universe/etc, if there’s any way you could see to it that Kalen spends most of Tuesday knocked the fuck out, that would be awesome, thanks!”

Its just, I’m kinda over being in excruciating pain all day every day, like, I gave it a shot, just don’t think its for me, I’m afraid I just don’t have what it takes to be a hardcore raging masochist or whatever, so I’m just really not looking to set any new personal pain records next week if at all possible.

ANYWAY, requests for spamming higher powers on my behalf aside, the other reason for this post is I only have $3 in my bank account and an appointment this afternoon whose co-pay is going to be $50. But I can NOT miss this appointment, its super critical. See, so, the other thing is, my jaw has decided its reached the point where it just doesn’t want to close at all anymore, so I’ve gone from only eating once a day to only eating no times a day, and since I’ve already lost an absurd amount of weight and muscle mass over the last two years because of all this shit, they’ve put me on a regimen of regular IV intakes or whatever that’s called, just to like....get the nutrients I need into me somehow, y’know?  

And especially with the surgery coming up on Tuesday, and my immune system all shot to hell and my various other Vitally Important By-Products of Eating Food levels are low enough to have my doctor using mostly just four letter words when reviewing my latest labs, they’re literally trying to pump me full of as much of the various Nutrients And Other Stuff IVs as they safely can between now and then. And as much as I’ve been pretty much going 24/7 trying to stay afloat with all of this, I just...did NOT budget for needing to be hooked up to an IV every other day because my fucking jaw picked now to level up on being an asshole and like, physically will not cooperate with my attempts to survive on cheap $5 a day meals. 

So instead this week its been $50 co-pays every other day, because apparently when your body for whatever reason literally can’t take in the cheap 7-11 snacks and Happy Meals you usually live off of because That’s How Being Poor Works, it makes total sense that the one and only alternative for keeping your body fueled is to go to this little clinic place that hooks you up like you’re at a gas station, except you’re some kinda pretentious European model that won’t accept any less than the top dollar diesel, because I guess even Bags of Nutrient Water gotta somehow manage to be name brand shit, because yay capitalism. Everything about it is just so efficient and logical and works so well, especially if you’re part of the 99%.

Anyway I’m TRULY sorry I’m all over the place with this, I haven’t taken my ADHD meds because swallowing is the Devil’s Work right now, and also I haven’t had my daily Bag of Nutrient Water yet so my brain is like no I will not be cooperating. To sum up, once I get to next week I’m all set, everything’s in place for the surgery, insurance, I have a place to recuperate, I even already have my bus ticket for Monday purchased, my specific monetary issue right now is I am literally down to my last $3, I am currently physically unable to chew my way through a full meal, so I’m literally just paying co-pays of $50 every other day to spend 45 minutes sitting in a chair while my body sucks life-sustaining nutrient water through a needle. 

That might actually be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said or heard said and yet its factually 100% true. Our world is so fucking bonkers, jfc.

Literally ANY help getting me to today’s appointment, would be amazing, and then I have one scheduled for Monday morning before I leave, if I can find a way to make that too. And tbh I don’t actually know if one is even an option for tomorrow yet because the clinic I’ve been going to so far isn’t open tomorrow and I’ve yet to hear back if my doctor found somewhere else to send me that I can actually get to. So who the fuck even knows.

So yeah, sorry for making you ping-pong your way through that mess, this is my brain on Empty, like I said, I haven’t had my Bag of Water yet today. But any help is appreciated, whether reblogs, donations or good-thought-tweets for me on Tuesday. I’m a big fan of any of the above. Even $2 or $5 gets me closer to what I need, and if you can’t spare anything or have already sent or are sending what you can spare to another donation post, I totally and completely understand. And again, even just....good thoughts for Tuesday would be awesome, and certainly can’t hurt. I’m not like, worried about the surgery or whatever, its pretty simple, its more just....extensive. And my only real hope or want for it is just keeping the Ow factor as limited as it can possibly be. Whether that’s from the doctors coming through with a good strong hit of the goofy juice or some higher power telling all my nerve endings to take a sick day or just sit this one out, I am so open to either or anything in between or even coming out of left field.

And now I’m done. Thank you. You’re all rockstars, or insert your genre of choice. In conclusion, capitalism sucks, eat the rich, and buy a  bi a bag of water today please. I’m pretty sure there’s a T-shirt slogan in there somewhere, but fuck if I can pin it down.If anyone else does, hey, go nuts with it. I’m literally a bi guy who needs to buy bags of nutrient water every other day right now. That’s so fucking dumb, someone’s gotta be able to milk some mileage out of it.

My Paypal:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

Or if that link doesn’t work, try this one instead:

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme2/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

My Ko-fi page: https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

[sierrabinondo]

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could. 

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration. 

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid. 

then... the following week came. 

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of. 

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah. 

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.” 

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.  

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic. 

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried. 

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal. 

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.  

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs. 

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH.  i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am 

-watching so. much. anime. 

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals 

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green 

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

[otaku-manga-fangirl]

My Virtual Poem Gallery

“Who How I am”

What you find here, you may never

Really truly comprehend or

Believe, for it is too difficult

Since, it is against, the whole world

 You ask why, well let me explain

There are too many confusing

And misleading people, that aim

To lead blindly and blind others

 I am but an ordinary

Person, that has much to learn and

Understand, while living faithful

To He, the one who rescued me. ****

“Villainess”

After everything I’ve been forced to

Experience, remember, relive,

Hide within myself everything that

I’ve always wanted to say and do

Whatever you throw my way, will fail.

For I’m not here to be subjected

To your whims, schemes, desires, and plans for:

I shall tear your plans asunder, as

I am here to stay, live, survive to

Return your injustice with vengeance.

****

“Flailing”

I am a woman that lives in between two halves of her life

I live with the sky, that can boast varying colors

Depending on its whimsy mood

It can either be smooth soaring

Bouncing and through, the differing shapes of fluffy white

Or with turbulence, with pelting icy drops or stone-like pellets

 And then, there are days where I live with the dark blue depths

Sometimes, it only reaches up to my ankles, on a sunny day

Other times, it’s a rushing river I struggle within

But on most days, I’m trying to stay afloat

The empty bottom, fueling my anxiety, as I lose strength and sink

My days vary, what I know I’ll stop doing

Is hoping help, from those who are both seeing and blind

I’ll just allow the storms and curved looming walls crash and thrash me

I’ll let be the currents and the wind move me dizzily

I’ll just ride with the constant flow, like I horribly usually do.

****

“The Obloquy You Enforced Upon Your Blood”

My country, multicultural and abounding in riches

Home to many warmhearted and joyful humans

A hotpot of talented and brilliant minds and skills

Oh, how my love and compassion, runs deeply for you

My homeland of the hard working, for their loved ones

 However, my hatred runs deeply here too.

I loathe the ignorance being spread by the blind

Who seek to lead astray everyone around them

I despise the immoral that feel pleasure over being

Disgusting and cruel, harming all who cross their path

 I especially abhor, the corruption whose deeps roots have entrenched

Itself into our fertile land, filled atop on its surface are innocents

Who could not receive proper wages and service

Who fear natural tragedies, which could be properly planned against

Oh, how I hate the stupid, the greedy, and most of all the power-lust politicians

You, who scour our land for influence and wealth

You, who deprive others of what you have in abundance

You, who seek to defile and ruin and destroy

All life that surrounds you; the ones you abandoned

You, who spend money that does not belong to you and take chunks from it!

 Oh, how depressing it is for us to be looked down upon

Caught in the news stealing from a mall; a store

Our situation broadcasted, to the world of how much we suffer from evil

Our drenched and hurt and starving faces in every screen in existence

How dare you, plaster this on our good-natured brothers and sisters?

 Have you no shame? Have you no compassion?

Do you not have mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers?

Daughters, sons, nieces, nephews, granddaughters, grandsons?

Cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and more?

What must it take for your heart to be thawed and soften?

 Now our future, the youth and more dream

Dream to run away and never return

Hope to bring everyone they love and befriend

Towards better lands, more fulfilling lives

Lives filled with warm shelters and food

Water and opportunities

 Even if our country lacks nothing

My dear fellow victims, wake up and realize

All which was spent from us

Wake up to the deaths and the tortured and the raped

To the sold and the used, and the next to be cast aside!

 We were not born to merely endure, persevere, and survive!

We are here to live Christ-like lives, to be used as instruments

For the expansion of His Kingdom! To share love and hope

To be the light and salt of this world, sharing the Gospel!

We are servants of God in charge of protecting life and loving each other

 I only hope and wish for my motherland

Is to start over after we crush our current systems here.

****

Adieu adieu

It could not come true

We could have been happy

It was nugatory

For an interference too strong

Made everything planned go wrong

To struggle against it would require sophistry

I do not possess unfortunately

Farewell love

I could not go beyond and above

For us

“Pain”

[creativegago]

2020’s Closing Entry

*. ~ My thoughts, analysis, and why I’m grateful for this year (even though I, too, am gravely affected by the shit storms it brought upon us).

January 01, 2020 – firecrackers launched into the night sky; colors started painting themselves for a fleeting moment before vanishing into thin air. Surely enough, I know I’m not the only one who caged themselves inside the source of false security that is a bedroom, staring into these flickers of light, while awaiting the worst to happen this year.

Oh, I’ve had so much to expect. Tarot, astrology – any occult forecast have told me that this is not an easy start for a decade. And surely enough, as I watched people unknowingly celebrate the beginning, my chest ached to tell them a warning they won’t believe.

Because, people want to be realistic, yet people also have idealistic dreams. So if there is anything that I can use to describe this year, ironic parallels would be fitting.

Then it came.

March 13, 2020 onwards – A pandemic slowly got out of control, trading real human lives with the sudden, erratic turning of events. People slowly falling into a pit of isolation that posed risks of insanity, unrelenting disruption within politics, worsening climate, economic and social conditions, creators and entertainers desperately trying to create hope for the sake of surviving – all things went to an abrupt pause, and for a long time, I felt like I was stuck in a rut like everybody else. And this is where the irony comes in – because in the midst of my mental state, I managed to physically function well, curated routines that are fit for my academic responsibilities, and even feel fascinated by the events that most people would call tragic. Of course, I did feel disheartened, but I was overpowered with helplessness, which I found ironically interesting. But, maybe that is my detachment playing a card of fabricated nonchalance. I find that people would say the same thing, too. But, I doubt that they would admit what they really feel in front of everybody. All we could do is agree silently, while listening in to hopeful cries that help us keep our heads stay afloat.

It all felt disorienting. At some point, we were all worried for our survival, yet because of the state of imbalance, all we could ever do is plead and eventually be angered in a state of suffering we can’t fully describe.

Was it pain?

Regret?

Sympathy?

Was it our desire to survive?

Was it our drive to resist authority?

Was it distaste for power?

Was it realization?

Some would reply with a definitive answer to this, some would dismiss it for being too sentimental or senseless, and some would just don’t know.

There is this state of confusion present in the society. Because, this is the first time, perhaps in centuries of being too caught up in creating and rising up the ladders, that humanity is on the edge. No one truly knows what would happen next.

In fact, I am writing this while listening to an upbeat pop music that sings about love, happiness and the warmth of being under the sun. Ironic, isn’t it?

Distraction – is what we believe that we need.

People in power – are what we believe to be villains.

Hope – is what we cling on to.

Change – is what we desire to unfold, but cannot agree as to how it should unfold.

And finally,

Control – is what we keep doing to each other.

The thing is, we are aware that change is already happening way back before we existed. Perspective is what makes it interesting, because we like to believe what we want to, and due to everyone’s varying limit of understanding, conflicts are to be expected.

That’s why, it brings me to a question:

Was this the result of the lack of understanding one another?

We have come so far tricking each other in the guise of teaching something “morally accepted” that it led us to have a warped perception of reality. These days, sometimes a child’s understanding, as simple as they can be, would remind an adult of how the world really is a simple place.

Life and Death.

Hmph, maybe that’s why I find this year to be so interesting. Maybe I question myself if that’s what people during the previous wars, plagues and colonization felt.

Usually, the realization lasts shortly, before we revert back to the ways of thinking we’re used to.

People say it feels like a movie or a novel. Intense, groundbreaking, dramatic, surreal, it just goes on forever.

This year, is just like falling in and out of love, in repeated cycles which get painfully worse until the lovers pass away in each other’s arms.

So, why am I thankful?

To put it simply, it made me realize that the world is round, but the systems we built for ourselves aren’t.

What made me see it this way, is when I went out for a walk and then seeing a man peacefully cleaning the streets at 6 in the morning. He is just doing his job, contributing to the society and the environment, but most people still think that his job is indecent. To get such meaningless criticism and depreciation from doing us a favor of cleaning – prove me wrong that it’s a system of hierarchy.

I still might be wrong for thinking this way, but at least I have a facet of perspective I can switch into.

Wow, how I wear so many glasses.

I do acknowledge the fact that most of my friends will probably I’m on the brink of insanity if I show this to them, but thankfully to that, I’m not.

I’m just constantly thinking.

December 27, 2020 – I mean, for a year that brought us so much finally coming to an end, what is there not to think about?

just be safe, yeah?

[padfootagain]

A Crimson Christmas (II)

Chapter 2: Erika

 Here we go for the next part of my Steve Rogers series! Will be focusing quite a lot on some character building for the reader, and some cute things with Steve. As several of you seemed to appreciate how I started the first chapter, I tried to make something similar for this chapter too. I hope you all like it!

Gif not mine

Word Count: 2417

18 000

11

400

150 000 to 300 000

It is a strange thing to sum up an event in numbers. It makes one's head spin, and yet it never quite stirs the true horror of a tragedy or joy of a miracle. Yet, most of the times, when trying to describe an event, using numbers as a first weapon is almost a reflex, an automatic response of our brain as it tries to grasp something it can't hold.

If one wanted to sum up the sinking of the oil tanker Erika in December 1999, off the shores of Brittany, they would use the 4 numbers written above.

The first is the number of litres of gasoline that were released in the ocean from the cracked hull of the ship.

The second is the number of days it took for the fuel to cross the distance from the wreckage to the shore.

The third is the number of kilometres of French coast that were polluted by the floating gasoline.

The fourth, and last, is the estimated number of birds that died in the catastrophe.

Numbers though are but abstract quantities, and if one wants to truly describe the event, there is no other way but to attempt to draw a fair picture of the shores at the time.

The scenery is easy. December 1999, a lot of grey and blue as a storm rages out. The violent waves end to pierce the already weakened steel skin of the oil tanker and cause its carcass to sink to the bottom of the ocean. Its sailors are saved, but the shipment, 30 884 tons of petrol, is partially released in the Atlantic Ocean. The attempts to stop the black wave to reach the coast are cut short by the storm that shakes the sea at this time of year.

11 days later, the first pools of gasoline touch the islands that stain the French coast.

4 more days and 400 km of coast are completely covered by toxic oil.

At first, it is but a few dots staining the sand, some grey caught in the foam left by the waves. A few hours later, there are large blocks of black sticky substance all over the seashells. The next day, the rocks, and the paint of the boats, and the sand are barely visible at all. The army is sent to clean the shores, but the scale is too great. Volunteers join in, with shovels and sponges and knives and brushes in an attempt to clean up every rock, every grain of sand.

Walking through a beach at this time is walking midst soldiers and volunteers. Every step is a fight against the sticky product, with boots sometimes buried ankles deep into the dark petrol. It is the fresh salty smell of seaweeds replaced by the sour one of gasoline. It is cliffs falling in black sand instead of the blue sea. It is bodies of birds stranded all over the place.

What did it change? For the people living on the coast, it is still today an open wound. If one tries to talk about the incident with the local population, they will be met by a pair of sad eyes and the tale of Christmas holidays spent ankle-deep in gasoline.

For the world? Nothing. Just one more incident to add to the long list of chasms carved in the environment.

For you? Everything.

You remembered the long ride from Saint-Malo to the western coast. First holidays since you entered University. For this first semester, you were majoring in all subjects, but you already had a vivid passion for bio-ecosystems, and in particular, marine biology.

Then the Erika sank. It was natural to go and help. You remembered Christmas day spent breathing the toxic petrol until it was all you could smell. Your boots buried in the sticky, black slime. Shovels and shovels digging the polluted sand. Soldiers all around you, but despite all this help, it wasn’t enough. You knew everything the gasoline would touch would surely die. It would take years for nature to heal. It had taken a few hours and a few minds craving for money to destroy it all.

You were picking up your fifth dead gull of the day. The gasoline, stuck to its feathers, made it impossible for it to float, and impossible for it to fly. Most of them had drowned, and all you could do was pick up the corpses.

You had ventured further than the rest of your friends, closer to the rocks now barely visible in all this black, when you heard a loud cry. A cormorant, without a doubt. You needed only a few seconds to spot the bird, covered in oil already, struggling to escape, struggling to avoid drowning, struggling to survive…

Somehow, it was just too much. After all you had seen that day, it was the last thing you could endure. You didn’t think at all as you ran across the slippery rocks and jumped in the salty water, trying to keep your head above the petrol.

You grabbed that poor agonizing thing in your arm, trying to keep it afloat, and you didn’t let go as it tried to escape.

The sea was far from calm though, and the thick layer of gasoline made it impossible to swim. At the first big wave, you were submerged, swallowing a bitter gulp of mixed salty water and fuel. You heard then the distant voices of your friends calling after you, they sounded scared, and you realized that you were too. Another forceful wave had you pushed against the rocks and you hit your head hard, and all went as dark as that bloody gasoline…

The rest was a blur. You remembered waking up in a hospital bed a week later, a real miracle. You should have died, that was what everybody said. But you didn’t, instead, somehow, you lived with new abilities.

You didn’t know where they came from, and were too scared of what any doctor could do to you if you ever showed any sign of abnormality, you had seen too many movies and read too many books to ignore the threat of becoming a lab rat. Years later, the Avengers formed, and you were spotted by Nick Fury. What had happened in your mind when you accepted to join them, you didn’t know. You reckoned that in the end, it was worth it all. This moment now, especially, made it all worthwhile.

After all, seeing Captain America wearing mascara and red lipstick was a sight to see.

"Mets tes lèvres comme ça!" the ten-year-old girl instructed Steve as she pursed her lips to show him what she wanted him to do, and he imitated her.

"Parfait!" she clapped her little hands in excitement as she added even more red to Steve’s lips.

"Gwen, laisse-le tranquille," your brother admonished, trying to rescue Steve from the excited child. But Steve merely smiled.

"It’s okay, we’re just playing," he reassured the worried father.

"Lèvres! Comme ça!"t Gwenn called Steve back into position and he pursed his lips again.

You picked up your phone and sneaked a picture, that you immediately sent to the entire Avengers WhatsApp group. With the different timezones, you reckoned you would have no answer before a few hours, but it was worth the wait.

It was true that joining the Avengers had meant a lot of changes, a lot of risks, a lot of pain. But it meant that you had met your best friends as well, and you couldn’t refrain a tender smile as you watched Steve play with your niece now.

"Y/N… the coffee is growing cold!"

You reached absentmindedly for your cup and warmed the beverage again. Your sister gave you a look.

"Cheating again."

"Controlling water has to have a few advantages. My drinks are always at the perfect temperature!"

She rolled her eyes.

"So, for how long are the two of you staying in Saint-Malo?"

You merely shrugged as an answer.

"We don't really know. I mean, we're supposed to just stay for the holidays, but I guess we don't know what to do next."

"Ha… retiring superheroes… poor you. You will definitely not have the complete retiring allowance now! Does that even count as a job, superhero?"

"I don't think it does. Shit… I've lost all these years…"

The two of you giggled, but your father did not.

"You should think about what to do next. And you could stay here. It's home."

"Papa, it's not that easy."

"Why not? Because monsieur muscle over there won't move here for you? So, you could be with your family."

You and Steve exchanged a glance.

"Well, we… haven't really talked about that," Steve tried to elusively respond, but it failed.

"You've spent years living a dangerous life. It's time to settle down. And you have to think about financial security now."

"Papa…"

"You need to get a job. A real one."

"Saving the Earth was not a job important enough for you?" you fired back, feeling more and more annoyed.

"You wasted years over this superhero adventure. I'm not saying it was useless, of course not. And I am proud of you. But you sacrificed your life during all this time. You didn't settle down, you didn't think about having a family, you didn't think about your old days… And I think it's time for you to have a normal life for a change."

You considered his words, and realized there was wisdom in them. You didn't quite like the way he put it, but you couldn't deny that you had spent years putting your life on the line. And maybe he was right, maybe now it was time to think about your own happiness before everyone else's.

"And you?" your father turned to Steve, his tone accusatory. "Don't you want her to be happy?"

Steve was playing your fake boyfriend, yet, he didn't need to lie to answer that question. And you could see it, deep down, in the depth of his blue eyes, that he meant the words he spoke. That was what friends were made for, right?

"There's nothing I want more than for Y/N to be happy, sir."

It was hard to look away from his baby blue eyes for some reason. Despite his funny look, covered in make-up, you didn't want to laugh at all. You just… wanted to keep on looking at him.

You guessed that you were letting your thoughts drift too far, and forced your brain to focus on your family again.

"We'll see, papa," you gave your father a smile. "It's not that easy to decide what to do next. It was our life for so long."

"I haven't forgotten how much you had to sacrifice," he mumbled in a dark tone, and you knew that he was referencing to the years you spent on the run with Steve.

You heaved a tired sigh.

"We've talked about it… countless times. It was my choice to make, and I agreed with Steve. You would have preferred for me to become a pawn that could be used by governments whenever they wanted?"

"Of course not. Governments couldn't be trusted…"

"Then why are you still bringing that up?"

"Because I didn't see my daughter for two years, that's why!"

You heaved yet another sigh, and Steve finally stood up from his spot on the carpet where he had been playing with Gwen. He took some cotton and started to clean up his face.

"I think we've both had a life that was out of the ordinary for too long," Steve spoke with a slow, quiet tone, his voice deep and calm showing he had been giving the situation a lot of thought. "It's hard to imagine what to do with the life we have left. I think… we just need a little time to let it all sink in, the truth that it can be over, that we don't have to be the ones in charge anymore. I think… we had both come to be at peace with the idea that we didn't have the choice of a life of our own. Now that we do, it feels strange. We don't really know what to do with it. Personally, I've never been anything else. We just need a little bit of time, to get used to it all. Then, I'm sure the decisions will come to us quite naturally. In the meantime, we just want to enjoy Christmas."

He reached for your hand, and you guessed that it was just for the act. Just because he played your fake boyfriend. It would be logical, if you were a couple, to be holding hands then, you reckoned. He was right. Besides, it felt safe to hold his hand.

"You know, I think I'm very tired after our long journey and everything. We should go to bed," you proposed.

Your grandmother finally joined the conversation.

"I've forgotten the blankets."

"I know where they are, mamie, don't bother."

But she was already walking towards the bedroom, and after you bid goodnight to your family, while they were getting ready to go as well, you and Steve joined Martine in the bedroom she had prepared for Steve and you.

You were not surprised to find that she had already put the blanket upon the bed.

"Oh, I forgot," she explained, but you were not fooled.

There was a short silence, before she heaved a sigh.

"Your father is worried. He always is. He's just not good at showing it. He does it all wrong."

"I know."

"It doesn't matter what you choose to do next. We're all here for you. Et puis, je l'aime bien, ton petit Steve," she added with a tender smile towards your 'boyfriend'.

He gave her a warm smile.

"I'm glad you like me, I've spent a lovely afternoon with you, Martine," he answered.

"Tomorrow you can show him the town," your grandmother instructed you.

"Yes, I will."

"Goodnight, les amoureux!"

You could only bury your face in your palm. She had to call you lovebirds, of course… if only she knew the truth.

"Bonne nuit, mamie."

The second she closed the door behind her, Steve and you exchanged a tired glance. It was more than time to go to bed. Tomorrow would be a brand new day. And there was much to do, and many questions to find answers to.

********************************************************

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