#I am filled with anxiety sooo often

[girlgenius1111]

healing

alexia putellas x reader you don't like to admit when something is wrong, alexia knows this. she also knows that with a a scheduled surgery coming up for you, she'd have to wade through these hidden emotions as best she could to support you. basically, r has a breast reduction surgery, and alexia does her best to take care of her, even when r is a bit resistant. this is, obviously, very self indulgent. potentially the most self indulgent fic i've ever written. it's very reflective of my experiences recently so. you know. i hope you enjoy. hugeeeeee thanks to @pickledwoso who sent the request in and gave me sooo many ideas to work with.

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You sat up with a loud gasp, clutching at your chest. The specifics of the nightmare evaded you instantly, but you knew it had been horrifying. Filled with needles and doctors and knives and pain. 

“Amor?” Alexia mumbled groggily, emerging from where she was curled up under the covers, despite it being a warm evening.  She had barely been dragged from sleep by the sound you had made, only one eye cracking open to look at you.“You okay?” 

Unable to say much in response, you could only whimper quietly and shake your head. Alexia was wide awake in a second, sitting up and tilting your face towards her.

 “Ale-” You cut yourself off with a sob, leaning forward to bury your face in your girlfriend’s soft sleep shirt. 

Shaking once more, Alexia pulled you into her, cradling your body close. “What is wrong, mi amor?” 

“I-I… nightmare. I had a nightmare.” You admitted, too far gone into panic to try to hide your anxiety from your girlfriend. Alexia didn’t say much for a while, just nodding her head to show that she’d heard you, before she got to work calming you down. She did it rather easily, reminding you to breathe, stroking her fingers through your hair. She was soft, gentle, loving, and her affection bled through every light touch. Alexia always cared for you so easily; she made it seem simple. 

“Easy, just like that amor. In and out, slowly. It was just a dream, you’re right here with me. You’re okay.” 

It took a few minutes for you to calm down, and even still, you were still practically vibrating with anxiety. Alexia shifted over so that you were curled against her chest, and she could lean back against the headboard. With your face barely visible buried into her shirt, your girlfriend couldn’t really tell if you were still crying or not. Breathing steadier, for sure, but the sniffles coming from you every so often told Alexia that you were still very upset. 

The blonde began to run her fingers through your hair, massaging gently at your scalp. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

You were quiet for so long, she was sure you’d fallen back asleep. “I don’t remember what happened. It was about the surgery I think.” You murmured finally. “I’m a little nervous, I guess.” 

Alexia repressed a sigh. It was beyond clear to her, and had been for weeks, that you were more than mildly anxious about your scheduled breast reduction. She’d been waiting, less and less patiently, for you to just tell her how scared you were, but now the night before your surgery, she knew she couldn’t let this go on any longer. 

Wrapping both her arms tight around you, she pulled you even closer before she spoke. “It seems like you are maybe more than a little nervous, hmm?”

“Why do you say that?”

“You seem completely terrified, mi amor.”

“I am nervous, but I know I want to do this. I’m sure, Ale, I’ve made my mind up, and I-”

“You can still be nervous, even if you feel confident in your decision. That’s okay, amor. Why would you think it’s not?” 

“I… I just didn’t want you to try to change my mind.” 

“Why would I do that?” She sounded confused, and logically, you knew why. Ale was a deeply respectful person, and she’d never ever presume to tell you what to do with your body. Ever.

 No reply came, and Alexia realized you’d begun to tremble again. Frowning, she gently guided your chin up so she could look into your eyes, less than content with the anxiety so clear on your face. “Amor, talk to me. Please.” 

“What if you don’t like them? You know… after?” 

Alexia could have laughed at the completely ridiculous notion, but she saw the wet shine in your eye that told her you were completely serious. “Do not be silly. I will love them. ” She insisted. 

“You love them now.” You argued. “They won’t be the same.” 

Carefully, Alexia took your face in between her hands, insistently gazing down at you. “I know. They’ll be different. They won’t hurt you so much anymore, and that is all I want. Nothing will make me happier than you feeling better. I will love them, just like I love you.” She promised, her voice low and soothing. “You could get them removed completely, you could do anything, and it wouldn’t change how I feel about you. This is your body, mi amor. I love your body, and I will love it even when it changes.” 

“But… it doesn’t have to change.” Chewing on your lip, you took in your girlfriend’s completely puzzled expression. 

“I don’t understand. It doesn’t have to change, but you want it to, no?”

“I… don’t you think I’m being dramatic about this? A whole surgery just for some back pain…” Your words were not things you really believed. You knew you weren’t being dramatic, and you knew you were getting this done because of more than just back pain, although if you had, that would have been okay too. You’d just spent the last years hearing from your family and your doctors that you were being dramatic about your pain and the issues that came with having an absurdly large chest. Even getting a surgeon to agree to do the surgery was difficult, though you wouldn’t have even gotten there at all without Alexia. 

Not until you were with her, did you find yourself being believed. When you said you were hurting, she believed you. She wasn’t skeptical that you were exaggerating, or just looking for attention. It was this earnest belief that had you reconsidering, and ultimately deciding on, a breast reduction. Now, though, the years that people had spent belittling you and your struggles were rushing back to you, and you very suddenly felt like you were being ridiculous. 

The lights flickered on in the bedroom, and Alexia rolled back over to you. Having been lost in your thoughts, you’d missed her roll away to turn the bedside lamp on, and now she was studying you with a focused look on her face; one you knew to mean she was concerned. 

Her hand found yours, and she absentmindedly pulled the shoulder of your shirt back up as she spoke. “It is not a little back pain. It is debilitating. This affects your whole life, amor, you’ve wanted this for years. You know you aren’t being dramatic. Where is this coming from, hmm?” 

There was a deep reluctance in you to tell Alexia what you’d been through in the past with doctors and your family alike. You weren’t sure where it came from, or why it was so persistent, but you were too exhausted to fight it. Too terrified to even think of doing something that would make your anxiety spike. 

Your girlfriend seemed to sense this reluctance, because she brought your intertwined hands to her lips, leaving a kiss on your knuckles. A part of you had expected her to be annoyed for not talking, but another part of you knew better. Alexia didn’t get mad about stuff like that. All she had for you now was a sweet smile, and another kiss for your cheek that had you blushing unnecessarily. 

“We don’t have to talk about it.” She promised, mumbling the words against your face as she interspersed kisses in between her words. “You are not being dramatic. Your body changing does not bother me, could never bother me. I love you, and everything is going to be okay.” 

Entire body seemingly deflating, you leaned heavily into your girlfriend, torn between exhaustion, anxiety, and the overwhelming feeling of being adored. It wasn’t one were sure you’d ever get used to. With your face tucked into Alexia’s chest, it was hard to feel anything but safe and reassured, so you focused on the soft fabric of her shirt against your cheek, instead of what would be occurring the following morning. 

“I love you.” You murmured, burrowing in closer when your girlfriend tightened her arms around you. “Ale?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you come with me tomorrow? And stay?” You hated the vulnerability seeping from your words, didn’t want Alexia to ever see you as pathetically as you saw yourself. 

She only nodded, though, rubbing your back slowly. “Of course, cariño.” 

“It’s not too late to get out of training?” 

Alexia gave you a soft smile, though slightly embarrassed, rubbing her thumb across your cheek affectionately. “I am already called out, mi amor. I was going to stay anyway.”

“You were?” You asked with a shy grin. 

Alexia nodded enthusiastically. “Of course. I thought you might change your mind, and if you didn’t, well… I would have just pretended to go to training. I want to be there for you, and I would not be able to focus anyway.” 

You were overcome, for a moment, with affection for your girlfriend. She always seemed to anticipate what you’d need even before you knew herself. There was something about not only being loved, but known by Alexia that made you feel like the most special person in the world. You felt it even more when she placed the gentlest of kisses on your lips, and smiled at you just enough that the dimples on her cheeks appeared. 

“I am so lucky to have you.” You murmured, feeling emotion tug at you once again. 

Alexia shook her head with a grin, almost exasperated. “It always amazes me that you think you are the lucky one, when it is me. Because you are perfect and beautiful and I love you.” 

Before you could reply, and begin a back and forth of who was luckier, Alexia had pulled you to lay down practically on top of her, stretching her long arm to turn the bedside lamp off. 

“You need to rest, amor.” She insisted. And though when you’d woken from the nightmare, you had been sure you wouldn’t be sleeping any more tonight, there was something so soothing about being held so securely against your girlfriend. Your eyes began to shut of their own accord when she began to run her fingers through your hair, and you wondered briefly if there was anything Alexia couldn’t do.

------

The following morning came much too quickly. The first alarm went off at 6, only rousing you. Knowing you still had 15 minutes before you had to get up and get ready, you curled yourself back into Alexia’s side, shutting your eyes tightly and pretending that today was no different than any other day. Of course, the persistent anxious shaking of your body woke your girlfriend, though, an alarm in and of itself. 

It took her a second to realize what had woken her, as she couldn’t hear the alarm going off. Soon, though, she processed the way you were clinging to her, feeling her heart simultaneously melt and break.

“Oh, mi amor.” Alexia sighed, sliding her hand up the back of your shirt and splaying it across your spine, knowing you liked to feel her skin on yours. 

“Sorry I woke you early.” You whispered. 

“Don’t be sorry. I am always happy for 15 extra minutes to lay with you.” She said sweetly, tucking her face into your hair and sighing contentedly. She knew that if she kept herself calm, and didn’t react to your anxiety with her own, you’d be able to stay calmer. 

It felt like only minutes later that your second alarm was going off, and you groaned into your girlfriend’s chest as it did. Extracting herself from your rather tenacious grip, Alexia quickly rose from the bed and walked around to your side, grabbing your hand before you could bury yourself under the covers. 

“No hiding, amor. Time to be brave for me, sí?” 

Not one to deny any of your girlfriend’s requests, you let her tug you from the bed with a pout, one she very determinedly kissed off your face. Once she was done with that, she pulled you into the bathroom. 

“Okay. Shower quickly, I will eat something, and then we leave at 7:03.” She said, as if that was a normal time to plan to leave. You were long used to Alexia’s strict punctuality, though, so you just shook your head fondly at her. It was only when she attempted to pull away from you that your anxiety really rose, and you clung onto her hand with a look of panic on your face. 

Alexia turned back to you, expression completely open, as if she was ready to do whatever you needed her to do to feel better. 

“Shower with me?” You asked shakily, looking up at your girlfriend with wide eyes. 

“Siempre, guapa.” 

Your movements were practically robotic as you undressed yourself and allowed Alexia to guide you into the shower. For a moment, you allowed yourself to just rest against her under the warm stream of water, forcing yourself to breathe in and out slowly. As always when you showered together, Alexia insisted on washing you herself. Somehow, she knew that you needed to use the special medical soap on your chest, but could use your regular body wash everywhere else. 

You thought you caught a glimpse of sadness as she gently washed over your chest, and she must have felt you stiffen under her hands, because she was tilting your chin up and looking down at you, forehead crinkled in concern. 

“Are you sure you won’t hate what I look like after?” You asked, voice wobbling. 

Your girlfriend’s face softened. “I am sure. I will love you all the same.”

“You won’t miss them?” 

“Oh I will miss them. I should say farewell, no? Goodbye,” Alexia said wistfully, cupping each of your breasts in her hands. “I will miss you, but I will be happy when you stop bothering my pretty girlfriend.” 

“Oh my god.” You rolled your eyes, flushing at the attention on your chest, but feeling your heart soar at how genuinely she seemed to mean what she was saying. You appreciated her honesty. It wouldn’t have been believable that she wouldn’t miss them at all; the blonde had made it very clear in your time together that she very much enjoyed them. But for Alexia, she’d happily give that up if it meant that you were happier and more comfortable. And then felt like another level of love she must have for you. 

 Alexia leaned down to kiss you again, this time a bit more intensely as the water rained down over your heads. 

She broke away after a minute, a satisfied smile on her face telling you she was pleased that she had successfully distracted you. And distracted, you were. 

“Do we have time to-”

“No.” Alexia said sternly. “That is why we made sure to have enough time last night. We will not be late because you are horny even after I made you co-”

“OKAY. I don’t want a reminder if I can’t really enjoy the reminder.” You argued, barely noticing how Alexia turned the shower off and wrapped you in a towel. She really was doing a good job distracting you, because the mere step forward in your morning routine didn’t make you nauseous like it normally would have. 

The rest of the morning, Alexia went out of her way to keep you distracted. Whether it was giving herself a beard with bubbles in the shower, or forcing you to have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen while she ate a quick breakfast, your girlfriend gave you very little time for your mind to wander. Once you were in the car, though, it was inevitable. You were on the way, and there was nothing else to think about. 

Alexia kept her hand on you throughout the ride, noticing as you grew quieter as she pulled out of the drive, and brushed a few tears away when you thought she wasn’t looking. 

“Alright, mi amor?” She checked, well aware that you were not even close to alright.

“I’m so scared.” You whispered, Alexia just barely hearing your voice over the hum of the car engine. She moved her hand from your bouncing knee to grab onto your hand, squeezing it three times. 

“I know. Everything is going to be okay, amor. They do this every day, you will be in such good hands.” 

“What if I wake up in the middle?”

“You will not.” She sounded so sure. 

“What if I don’t wake up at all?

“You will wake up.” Again, her voice was filled with confidence. Whether it was truly what she believed, or if she was just saying it for your sake, you didn’t know, but you appreciated it nonetheless. 

“What if something goes wrong and I come out with three boobs or something?” 

“I will buy a sewing machine, and get to work making bras for three boobs.” Alexia said seriously. 

You gave a wet laugh, wiping at your eyes. Alexia smiled at you happily, fixing her eyes back on the road as the light turned green. Her hand didn’t leave yours the rest of the way to the hospital. 

------

Without Alexia there with you, it was likely that you would have bolted out the front doors of the hospital within a few minutes of arriving. You weren’t alone, though, and Alexia began to resort to absolutely ridiculous tactics to distract you and see a smile on your face. 

First, she blew up a glove she found in the room you were brought to wait in and then let it fly all around. It wasn’t really funny but the way she released it, and then looked at you with a hopeful grin on her face made you laugh anyway. If you counted correctly she made six bad jokes when they made you take a pregnancy test, that had you giggling even though they were quite juvenile. As the nurse put your IV in, the blonde reminded you of the time she got stitches in her leg on the sidelines of the football pitch, in the middle of the game, going so far as to point out the scar on her shin that you’d seen many times before. This wasn’t really funny either, but the somewhat disturbed look on the nurse’s face was. 

She was goofy when you needed her to be, she was serious and listened carefully whenever anyone was telling her important information, and she didn’t let go of your hand for the entirety of the pre op process. The minute your heart began to pound in your chest, or tears began to well in your eyes, you’d feel her squeeze your hand, and feel inexplicably comforted. Realistically, you knew Alexia had no ability to keep you safe once you were in the operating room. Still, you had the overwhelming feeling that because she was here with you, nothing bad could happen. 

“Okay, it’s time.” The nurse said kindly, walking into the room just moments after the surgeon had left. He had drawn all over you while answering Alexia’s seemingly endless questions about your recovery. 

You looked at the blonde next to you, willing yourself to remain calm, breathe deeply. She leaned in, kissing you softly. Once on the lips, then once on each cheek. 

“I love you. You are going to do so well, mi amor. I will be right here when you wake up.” She promised, helping you to your feet and squeezing your hand one last time. “Brave for me, okay?” the last part was whispered just for you to hear, and you nodded.

You could be brave for her. For her, you could do anything. 

“I love you, Ale.” 

She smiled at you until you disappeared out of sight, finally allowing the anxiety she’d been repressing all morning to let itself be known. It was going to be a long three hours, and she’d known that. She was absolutely resolved not to let you see her own nerves, knowing they’d only make you feel worse. Already calling her Mami as she was led to the waiting room, she hoped she did a good job at making you feel more comfortable. And she hoped, more than anything, that you’d be okay. 

-------

It felt nearly impossible to keep your eyes open. They opened and closed of their own accord, the room a bit different every time. Very vaguely, you recognized the surgeon coming to talk to you, saying something about everything going well. A nurse asked you about pain, and you focused enough to notice a slight twinge on your chest. 

The only coherent thought you had, though, was of your girlfriend. She said she’d be here when you woke up, and the beautiful blonde was nowhere in sight. 

“Would you like a sip of water?” The nurse asked kindly, holding a straw up to your mouth. You shook your head, though, frowning dramatically. 

“Alexia.” You murmured, eyes falling shut once again. The nurse chuckled, replying even though she wasn’t sure you were hearing her. The heart monitor attached to you was making a rhythmic beeping sound, and you were bobbing your head along to it gently, though you didn’t seem aware of it.  

“We’ll bring you out of recovery in a few minutes, and then you can see her.” 

Sure enough, you felt the strange sensation that you were moving, before you opened your eyes once again. Now in a different room, there was a smiling face next to yours, a gentle touch on your cheek. 

“Ale.” You sighed happily, eyes half shut, but a big smile adorning your features. 

“Hi, bonita.” Alexia chuckled. “How are you feeling?”

“Mmm.” You hummed. “Sleepy.” 

Alexia thought you looked incredibly adorable, all groggy and happy to see her. Clumsily, you reached for her hand, pulling it to cup your cheek. Your girlfriend laughed lightly, stroking her thumb over your cheek bone. 

“Are you in any pain?” 

“I loveeeeeee you.” You sang, clumsily patting her face with your free hand. 

Alexia laughed again, her features soft as she gazed down at you. “I love you too, cariño. Can you tell me if anything hurts?” 

“Nothin’ hurts.” You slurred. “Are my boobs small?” 

“Sí, look. The buttons on your shirt aren’t pulling apart anymore.” 

You’d bought several cotton button up pajama shirts especially for the occasion, having been told not to lift your arms above your head to put a shirt on. As always occurred with button ups, though, the buttons pulled tightly across your chest. Or, they had. Now, the shirt sat unstretched across your chest, and you felt a staggering amount of joy course through you. 

“Oh.” You said weakly, blinking hard as your eyes filled with tears. 

Alexia’s face fell. “What? Does something hurt? What’s wrong?” She asked frantically, looking around for something to stop the pain you weren’t actually feeling. 

“No, no. It’s good, it’s happy. They’re small and my shirt fits. Shirts like this never fit right and now they do.” You cried, too out of it to really feel embarrassed for crying so hard over such a small thing. 

“Oh, amor.” Alexia whispered, feeling like crying herself. She knew more than anyone how much you struggled with the way you’d looked before. She’d genuinely never seen you look so happy over your appearance before, and it was her new favorite thing. “I’m so happy you’re happy.” 

“I’m happy.” You mumbled, allowing Alexia to dry your face of tears. Carefully, Alexia brought the water to your lips again, and this time you drank some, feeling more and more awake with every passing second. And even though she was pretty sure you wouldn't remember this later, Alexia had to make sure you knew something. 

“You know what, amor?” She asked. 

“What?”

“You are beautiful. Even more beautiful now, with such a happy smile on your face.” 

It didn’t matter that you’d just cried, or that your hair was a mess. It didn’t matter that you were decidedly not beautiful at the moment. Because Alexia thought you were, and that made you think it, too. More than ever before, you felt beautiful like she said you were. 

------ 

The first two days went pretty smoothly. Everything ached a bit too much for you to really do anything on your own, and Alexia was more than happy to help. The trouble came after you were given clearance to shower, on the third day of your recovery. You wanted to do it by yourself, and Alexia was insisting on helping you. 

“No, Ale.” You snapped, trying to sit up and get out of bed on your own. Alexia wouldn’t move, though, still perched next to your legs, arms resting on either side of you, and honestly, you needed her help to get upright. 

She was being overly patient with you, and that only bothered you more; you didn’t like to be treated like you were fragile. “Amor, it says in the instructions, ‘have someone nearby to help for the first few showers.’’” 

“Nearby. Not in the bathroom with me. I’ll be fine, please just let me do this myself.” 

“It is not safe, I would like to be in there with you. I don’t understand, you have never had a problem with showering me before.” Alexia’s hazel eyes squinted at you, as though she was trying to visually ascertain what the issue was. 

“It’s different.” You grumbled, feeling your stomach twist at the idea of your girlfriend having to do another thing for you. Enough was enough, you had to be independent. If you couldn’t shower on your own, you’d feel completely helpless and you hated to feel helpless. 

“How is it different?” Alexia wondered, her patience with you still unwavering. 

“It just is! Move so I can get up, please.” 

The blonde just shook her head. “Not until you tell me how it’s different.”

“Alexia, I am disgusting right now, I’m gonna be all bruised and swollen and I haven’t showered in two days. It’s gross, I’m gross.”

She didn’t even blink, as though she’d already known this. “I don’t care about that, cariño. I just want to make this easier for you. Please let me help.”

“I don’t need help.” 

“You do, and that’s okay. Please, amor, just let me come into the bathroom with you. I’ll sit on the counter if you want me to, but let me be in the room. Please.”

Your girlfriend had a way of asking you things and making her eyes wide as she did so, making you agree without really thinking. It was genuinely difficult to say no to someone so pretty, who very clearly just wanted the best for you. This was how you found yourself in the bathroom, allowing Alexia to carefully unbutton your shirt and remove the bra from your chest. 

You’d tried to do it yourself at first, but it was ridiculously difficult to get your arms to do what you wanted them to do without pressing against your chest or your sides, and your yelp of pain had Alexia firmly telling you that she was helping you, and that was that. 

You waited for her face to turn disgusted, or at least for her eyes to give her away. It didn’t happen. She looked pained at the sight of the bruising on your body, but that was sympathetic. The kiss she gave you filled your body with warmth, but that warmth disappeared as soon as Alexia stepped away to turn on the shower, and you turned to look at yourself in the mirror. 

It was the first time you were really seeing your reflection, seeing the full results of what had been done, and you were more than a little horrified. 

When Alexia turned back around to help you into the shower, you had turned several shades paler, and your legs were shaking. Eyes fixed on your chest in the mirror, you looked completely disgusted with what you saw reflecting back at you. 

 Worried that you would pass out or something, Alexia stepped in behind you, carefully placing her large hands on your upper arms to hold you steady. “Amor? Feeling okay?”

“Dizzy.” You managed, leaning back into her. Alexia grabbed the water she’d had the foresight to bring into the bathroom, and carefully urged you to take a few sips. She knew how you were with stuff like this, ever since you’d passed out once watching her get stitches after a nasty tackle. 

“Just breathe. In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Don’t look if it’s bothering you.” 

“I-I… please don’t look, either, Ale.” You requested, shutting your eyes tightly. Alexia only hummed in response, resting her chin on your shoulder and rubbing her hands up and down your arms. “It’s awful, it’s so gross.” 

The bruising and the sight of the incisions through the tape over them was enough to make you nauseous, but Alexia being there only made it worse. She shouldn’t have to see you like this. 

She seemed unphased, though, her eyes on your face in the mirror, not distracted by your chest. “It looks exactly as the doctor said it should look. Your body went through so much, healing isn’t going to be perfect and pretty. Everything is okay, I promise. Just look at my face, and focus on me. Everything is okay.” 

You did as she asked, breathing deeply for a few minutes, your eyes fixed on hers in the mirror. Only when some color had returned to your face, and you weren’t shaking as badly, did Alexia move from where her body pressed to yours. 

“Are you ready? She murmured in your ear, enjoying that at least from this angle, from behind you, she could feel your body against hers. You enjoyed it too, your head dropping back to her shoulder as you nodded. “Okay. We’ll go quick. I’ll wash your body, wash your hair and then you can lay down.” 

Too afraid of what would happen if you stepped into the shower by yourself, you nodded again. 

It always struck you how gentle Alexia could be. On the pitch she was a force to be reckoned with, her body a well oiled machine that always got the job done. Her job was so physical, it always surprised you how soft her hands were, how gentle her touch was. 

She was so careful with you, especially now. The blonde maneuvered you under the stream of water, getting to work right away, as if she knew how exhausted you already were, just from standing for a few minutes. She hummed as she worked the loofa across your skin, intermittently leaving kisses wherever she saw fit. Done with that, Alexia moved on to your hair, her fingers feeling absolutely magical on your scalp after several days of it being tied back in a bun. 

You were mostly silent, only speaking to reply to Alexia’s quiet check ins every few minutes. It was only when she was facing you, massaging the conditioner out of your hair as you tilted your head back under the stream of water, that you said anything of substance. 

“Thank you for helping.” 

“Always.” Alexia mumbled, her lips pressed to your forehead. “I miss hugging you.”

You melted even further, as if the careful way she washed your hair for you wasn’t soft enough. “You’re adorable.” 

“No, I am tough and strong.” Alexia objected. 

“And incredibly adorable.” You insisted. For the first time that day, Alexia saw the ghost of a smile on your lips, and she made herself a promise that she’d make you smile more often. Even if she had to be ridiculous to do so, though it would prove to be harder than she wanted. 

------

It felt like there was a dark cloud hanging over you. You were irritated and depressed and near tears for no discernible reason. Alright, there was a reason, but you were too upset to really think rationally about it. Everything hurt more once you’d stopped taking the prescription painkillers you’d been prescribed, and the lack of the drugs was definitely not helping your mood. The last two days had been horrible, your recovery hitting a wall. It had been a week exactly, and suddenly, nothing was moving fast enough. 

Now that you were used to the sight, your breasts didn’t seem as small as they had at first. They were swollen, you kept reminding yourself, but the worry that they wouldn’t be small enough, that you’d gone through all this for nothing, persisted. It didn't matter that logically, you knew they were smaller. You’d seen what was removed, been told the measurements, and still. You’d convinced yourself they looked mostly the same. It hurt to move and showering took you at least an hour every time. You hyper fixated on your appearance, worried that now that your chest was supposedly smaller, everything else would be bigger. Alexia kept taking days off work, and when she didn’t, her mother or her sister would randomly show up with something random to drop off or pick up. You hated that she felt like she couldn’t leave you alone, and you hated even more that she was right to feel that way. You couldn’t lift anything, could barely sit up on your own. Your girlfriend was stuck helping you with every little thing, from showering to walking down the stairs. It was miserable. 

It felt like she asked you every other minute if you were in pain. And god, you were. More than you thought you’d be. Everytime, though, your answer was the same. Just a bit, you’d tell her. Both of you knew you were lying. You’d grit your teeth and bear it, unwilling or perhaps unable to admit to Alexia that your chest ached and stung and pulled and hurt. Your brain didn’t feel much better. 

Of course, Alexia knew you were miserable. The doctor had warned her this might happen; it wasn’t uncommon for individuals to fall into a depression after surgery like this. There were a lot of complex emotions involved. Combine those emotions with pain and narcotics, of course you didn’t feel like yourself. She’d been awake last night, when you’d cried next to her, holding her hand like a lifeline even as you stayed as quiet as you could. Alexia knew you didn’t want her to see you in pain, and if she could bring you comfort because you thought she was asleep… she’d take that. 

Still, though, every part of her ached with how sad you seemed, and how shut down you’d become. She was sure that if you talked about even one of the things bothering you, you’d feel so much better. You weren’t talking, though, and Alexia was running out of ways to help you. 

The blonde had one final idea before she broke and called your doctor to tell him that you just weren’t coping well, and she really didn’t want to do that. So, she made you tea, put on a boring documentary, and played with your hair until you were half asleep on top of the covers of your bed, as snuggled into Alexia’s pillow as you could get at the moment. 

She gently roused you, informing you that she had to run out for groceries but she’d be back very soon, before grabbing her list and slipping out the front door. Alexia had assumed you’d gone right back to sleep, but you hadn’t.

Instead, you’d realized you had to use the bathroom, dragging yourself off your bed and into the bathroom. It was there that you bumped into the door, which hurt way more than it normally would have. It had been the last straw of an already horrible day, and you just couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t be brave anymore. 

Alexia had been in such a rush to leave so she could come back, that she forgot her wallet, turning the car around only a few minutes into her drive to return and grab it. 

“Amor, I forgot my-” Alexia’s whispered words halted as she walked into the bedroom, and the sounds of your sobs hit her ears. You weren’t in bed where she’d left you, and your girlfriend whipped her head around in panic. “Baby, where are you?” She shouted, able to tell that you were closeby. Answering her own question, she rushed towards the bathroom, only relaxing slightly when she found you. 

Hunched over by the sink, your shoulders shook with the force of your sobs. Somewhere in her mind, Alexia realized that the movement was likely causing you pain. The blonde hadn’t ever heard you cry this hard in her life, and when you whipped your head around to look at her when she pushed the door open, you looked broken. You only looked more upset at the sight of her, and your girlfriend tried not to panic. 

“Baby, are you hurting?” Alexia questioned, moving forward as her hands fluttered uselessly in the air. All you could do in response was continue to cry, and reach one shaky hand towards the blonde. “I need you to talk to me.” 

It was all just too much; you couldn’t hold it in any longer. You needed her to kiss you and hold you and promise that everything would be okay. “I..I- hurts, Ale, it hurts so bad.” 

“I’m so sorry.” Alexia frowned, giving your hand a squeeze. “What can I do?” 

“I d-don’t know, it just hurts.” You sobbed, your chest stuttering. 

“The crying is not helping, amor, try to breathe.” She encouraged, exaggerating her own breaths for you to copy. It worked only slightly, and your face was still contorted in pain. “Let me get you some more medicine.” 

“No, stay.” You panicked, only tightening your grip on your girlfriend’s hand. 

“Okay, I’m right here.” She cooed, trying to move closer and give you a gentle hug. You winced away from her, though, in too much pain and too afraid of it worsening to allow her close to you. 

“I don’t know what to do,” you whimpered, wanting the pain to stop if only so she could hug you. 

Pausing and pursing her lips, your girlfriend tried to think logically. Getting up was difficult for you, standing only worse.  Sitting propped up on the bed was the only way for you to be even slightly comfortable, so Alexia took each of your hands in hers. “Back to bed, okay? You’ll feel better sitting.” 

You nodded, and allowed your girlfriend to carefully lead you out of the bathroom, and back towards the bed. “Okay, almost there. You’re doing so well.” 

It felt ridiculous to be praised for something as simple as walking back to bed, especially as you needed her help to do so. Still, she sounded so earnest and encouraging you couldn’t doubt her sincerity. 

Alexia got you settled on the bed just how you liked, and adjusted the pillows until they were just right. You sighed shakily, shifting as you tried to get comfortable. 

“Tell me how to help you.” Alexia practically pleaded. 

“I want ice please.” You sniffled, desperate for anything to numb the pain on your body, and the pain inside your head. Alexia tucked the blanket around you, using her thumb to wipe a few tears off your cheeks, gazing at you regretfully. 

“I’m sorry, amor, the doctor said no ice, remember? It is bad for the circulation. I can get you more medicine and a cool towel for your head?” Her suggestions felt weak, and she wished she could just take it from you, take away how badly you felt. 

You nodded, a few more tears falling from your eyes as you did so. It seemed to Alexia as though every time she offered to help you, you cried more. She rose to go get what she needed, and you let your head fall back on the pillows, a few quiet sobs escaping. You wished you could stop needing her so badly. 

Crying too hard to notice her return, you jumped when she placed her hand on your upper arm, crying out quietly as you did so. 

“Easy, amor.” She soothed, handing you two pills and holding a straw to your lips. Once you took the medicine, she wiped the tears off your face with the wet washcloth in her hand, her features wrinkled with worry. You hadn’t stopped crying, and she didn’t know what else to do to help you. 

“Are you crying because it hurts, or because of something else?” She wondered. 

“I don’t know, I just can’t stop.” You whimpered, clutching almost desperately at your girlfriend’s hand. 

Letting out a sad, sympathetic sound you’d never heard her make, Alexia took her place on her side of the bed, scooting over so she was pressed up against the pillow that was pressed up against you. It was the best she could do at the moment, even if she wanted to pull you into her and never let go. You reached over the pillow to grab onto her hoodie, the brown one with holes all over it you liked to make fun of. She’d put it on earlier, hoping you’d do just that, but she’d had no luck. 

Alexia just watched you for a few minutes, both of her hands on you, tracing patterns into your skin wherever she was sure wouldn’t hurt you. It became clear to her that you were exhausting yourself, your eyes barely even open anymore as you wiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. 

“Amor, you need rest.” She whispered, watching your eyes flutter open to look at her helplessly. 

How were you supposed to sleep when you were so upset? 

“I can’t.” 

“Try for me. Close your eyes, relax your body.” The blonde instructed, smiling despite herself as you instantly did as she asked. Grabbing the cool washcloth again, she folded it in half and draped it over your eyes. Sighing you settled back into the pillows a bit, chest still stuttering every few seconds, but less intensely than it had been. “Sleep, cariño. I’m right here, I love you, and everything is okay.” 

Her words had an incomprehensible power over you, and it wasn’t long before you were barely clinging to consciousness. The tears had stopped, and all you could really think about was that you were really glad that Alexia was here with you. 

------

Alexia wasn’t sure how long you’d cried for before your grip on her sweatshirt had gone slack, and you’d finally relaxed. She let you sleep for an hour or so, though, unmoving so she didn’t disturb you. She busied herself with her phone, placing an order of the things she needed so she didn’t have to leave you, but mostly, she just watched you sleep. Swollen and red eyes, tear stained face, uncomfortable frown on your face even as you slept, you were still the most beautiful person she’d ever seen in her life. 

Once the delivery was made, your girlfriend slipped out of bed as carefully as she could, heading for the front door. Turning around with the bags from the front porch in hand, Alexia jumped a little at the sight of you standing behind her. She hadn’t heard you follow her out of the bedroom, but she saw you now, more tears falling down your flushed face. 

“Hey,” she said soothingly, moving closer even as you backed away from her. 

“You were supposed to go grocery shopping and I ruined it,” you cried, feeling a little ridiculously upset that you’d messed up her plans. You just thought she needed the time away from you. It wasn’t as though you were pleasant to be around right now. “You didn't get to run your errands, I’m so sorry.”

“You haven’t ruined anything, mi amor.” Alexia cooed. “Come on, sit on the couch for me, and I’ll show you what I got.” 

Sniffling, Alexia led you to the couch, helping you sit down and once again, placing the excessive amount of pillows exactly as you liked them. She began to pull items out of the bags once she sat down next to you, explaining what she’d gotten as she did so in a very quiet, almost shy voice. 

“A new candle, it makes the crackle sounds you like. Your favorite candy. Some roses, and I will put them in a vase and you could put them next to your bed, if you want. This is supposed to be a cooling blanket, so you don’t get too warm. I noticed you were almost out of the hair ties you use, so I got more of those. You liked that one button up shirt you got, so I got more because they are easier than other shirts, and these are very soft.” She listed everything out, putting it all on the coffee table in front of you. 

It was endless, the number of things she’d bought for you. Favorite snacks, a book you’d mentioned wanting to read once. A new coffee mug, even though she always complained that you had too many already, just because she knew you’d like the color. One bag was full of the ingredients to make your favorite dinner. She grabbed the last bag off the floor, really rambling now that you hadn’t said a word in at least 2 minutes. 

“I can return this if you don’t want it.” She finished, pressing the small, plush elephant into your hands as her face turned red. “I thought he could keep you company when I’m at work, but it’s probably stupid-”

You cut her off, tucking the elephant under one arm as you tilted her chin up with your other. Her face fell further, because you were still crying. 

She didn’t know that they were no longer sad tears. 

“I love you.” You blubbered, absolutely sure that there weren't words to describe how grateful you were for her at that moment. Ale, your perfect, sweet Ale. What had you done in your life to deserve her? “I love the elephant, I love everything. What did you do all this for?” 

Alexia looked at you incredulously, her fingers linking with yours. “You have been so down. I just wanted to make you smile. I thought maybe one of these things could.” 

“Oh. I… I didn’t know you noticed. I thought I was doing a good job hiding it.” 

You would never be winning an Oscar, Alexia thought to herself. “Why would you hide that from me?” She wondered, her face adorably confused. 

“You’re dealing with enough from me right now, you don’t need-”

“I decide what I need and don’t need.” Alexia cut in, her voice so firm it had your head snapping up to stare at her. She wasn’t angry, though, just… passionate. “Don’t push me away because you think you are being too much. I knew what I was getting into when you scheduled this surgery. I arranged to have time off so I could take care of you. I know you are hurting and I know you are upset, and I want nothing more than for you to talk to me.” 

“You’re too good to me.” You murmured, eyes flitting all over her face, trying to memorize the sincere expression on her face. 

“This is what you deserve.” Alexia disagreed, her knee shifting over until it pressed into yours. “Now, I know you are hurting because you just had surgery, but I do not know what has you so sad. Can you tell me? Please?”

How could you say no to that? The issue was, you weren’t even sure where to start. “There’s too many things. I’m just… I don’t feel right.” 

Alexia hummed. “Amor, it is normal to be depressed after a surgery like this. It says in the post op notes, your doctor talked to me about it. This is normal, how you are feeling is normal and it isn’t going to last forever.”

It was the same thing you’d been telling yourself, except now it echoed around your head in Alexia’s voice, and that held so much more meaning. Nodding meekly, you wondered if you should keep going. 

“What else?” 

Nervously, you glanced down at your chest. You didn’t want to sound ungrateful. Not everyone got the chance to have this surgery, even if they needed it, and it felt so disgusting to complain. The feeling that they were still too big was unshakeable, though. 

“You don’t like how they look.” Alexia stated simply. You stared at her, jaw dropped, wondering suddenly if she could read minds. She gave you a small smile, tugging at her ponytail and fiddling with the ends of her hair. “That is normal, too. I read about it. They don’t feel different enough?” 

“No.” You replied quietly, still ashamed of your feelings. 

“They are still swollen. It will take three to four months for them to look how they are going to look. You have to be patient, you have to give yourself time. I know everything is overwhelming right now, but I promise you, they are smaller, and they will get smaller still.” 

This time, Alexia raised your intertwined hands to her lips, pressing a kiss to the back of yours. “What else?” She asked again. A mind reader, for sure, you decided. 

You bit your lip before speaking, though it was progress that you verbalized your feelings without Alexia having to guess. “I’m in so much pain. It’s taking so long to go away. You can’t do anything or go anywhere because you’re here helping me. I’m such a burden right now and I hate it. I’m so tired of this. I don’t want you to have to help me with every little thing.”

Alexia looked almost offended. “You have never been a burden a day in your life, and I am sorry that anyone has ever made you feel that way. I am happy to be here, and help you heal. Really, amor. You’ve wanted this for so long, and this part isn’t very fun, but you’re doing so well. It hurts, and it sucks, I know that. It feels like it’s taking forever, but it’s just barely been a week. You aren’t helping yourself by keeping all these negative thoughts in your head, either.”

“Probably not.” You agreed timidly. 

“Probably not.” Alexia echoed, her hand coming up to cup your cheek. “I am here for you because I want to be, so let me help, okay? It isn’t your instinct to tell me when you are hurting, or when you need help, but I want you to try, okay? Just try.” 

“I’ll try.” You promised. Because, honestly, if Alexia was this good at making all your fears and stressors melt away and she was happy to do it, there was no justification for suffering in silence anymore. 

“I”m proud of you. You are doing so well, and I love you. Everything is going to feel better soon, and until then, I am right here with you.”

“Are you going somewhere once I am better?” You asked teasingly, just the hint of a smile tugging at your lips. This did not go unnoticed by your girlfriend, who leaned closer and got a look on her face you knew to be her I just won look. 

“A smile.” Alexia grinned, pressing her forehead against yours, still making sure to give your entire midsection a wide berth. 

“It’s just for you.” You whispered, holding eye contact with her, and enjoying that it no longer felt insincere because you were keeping so much to yourself. 

“I’m not going anywhere. Ever.” Alexia promised. Her words were barely more than a warm exhale on your mouth, and before long, she was brushing her soft lips against yours, giving you the world’s most careful kiss. 

She had magical kisses, you decided. Magic hands, as they linked with yours. A magic smile that made you grin, too. Good taste in get better soon gifts, you thought, picking up the elephant and asking her if she’d thought of a name for it. 

“Alex.” She smirked, looking rather proud of herself. 

And maybe she had egotistical taste in names, but you were more convinced every second that she was right, that things would get better, and a bit of ego was something you could handle. Especially when it came wrapped up in a package with overwhelming amounts of love and care. You were the luckiest girl in the world, you’d never been more sure of that. 

Hours later, after you’d eaten your favorite dinner and lit your new candle, settling into bed with a much more relaxed look on your face, Alexia thought the same thing. She was the luckiest to have you. Your smile was worth everything, and she’d missed it these past few days. It didn’t feel like she’d have to miss it anymore, though, especially as you drifted off, your hand in hers. Lips curved just slightly upward. You always had a smile to give Alexia. 

------

i'm honestly not sure if this is too niche for people to enjoy, so i'd appreciate any thoughts anyone has :) this feels wildly vulnerable and i will do my absolute best to not get embarrassed and delete it 🙏 love to you all 🫶🏻🫶🏻🥰🥰

[brokebonewritings]

omg please do a sequel to the anxiety request it was sooo cute and relatable tbfh

A SEQUEL YOU SAY?!! Absolutely 😩🤍 You guys seemed to really like that request and I appreciate it!

Jupiter, Bringer of Jollity

Matt Murdock x reader

Tags: 18+, First Date, Fluff, Falling in Love

Summary: You and Matt go to a candlelight concert for your first date. You learn something new about music, and he leaves you with a new sense of love.

Word Count: 2K

Navigation | Masterlist

You woke up with the same amount of pressure that was in your chest the night before. It wasn’t every day that you felt like this. Just today. 

Trying to justify your anxiety because you had a date was reasonable right? Wrong. Well that’s what your brain believed anyways. You reach for your phone charging on the nightstand and check the time.

Eight AM. Perfect. The concert was for another 11 hours. Just the right amount of time to freak. You notice a voicemail notification. Confused to see that it’s from Matt, your heart begins to pound.

‘He’s canceling’ You thought ‘I knew it was too good to be true’

Despite the anxiety coursing through your veins, you open the voicemail and raise the phone to your ear. Matt's voice came through the receiver smoothly, which eased some of the tension.

“Hey sweetheart.” He began. “I can’t wait to see you later. I’ll be there to pick you up around 5:30. Hope you have a good day.” 

That’s where the voicemail ends. No cancellation. No excuses. He was actually going to come! You close your eyes and smile. Probably looking like an idiot, you stay like that for a while.

You go about your day, cleaning, finishing a report to send to your boss, and remembering to hydrate. However, you begin to pace your apartment after finishing all of your chores. Checking the time just a bit too often.

4pm. That’s what the clock stated. You still had a few more hours left until Matt would come pick you up. But the thought of waiting was becoming unbearable. Your mind was racing with all the possible scenarios that could happen tonight and you couldn't help but feel nervous.

You walk over to your wardrobe and start rummaging through it. It didn’t have to be perfect, but you wanted to look nice. This was the first orchestral concert you had ever been to. You finally settle on a floral patterned dress. 

As you stare at yourself in the mirror, you can't help but feel a little proud of how you look. But the anxiety still lingers in your chest like a heavy weight. You take a deep breath and try to calm yourself down. Suddenly, your phone buzzes. It's a text from Matt.

Matty 4:48pm

I’m on my way, I’ll be there in 10 minutes.

You 4:50pm

See you soon!

You take one last look at yourself in the mirror, running your hands through your hair and finishing your makeup. A knock at your door causes your heart to  jump in your chest. Making sure you have the tickets in your wallet, you grab your purse and rush to the door.

As you open it, you see Matt standing there, a bouquet of roses in his hand. His dark hair is styled neatly, and he's wearing a sleek suit that fits him perfectly.

"Hi," he says with a smile.

"Hi," you reply, your voice shaking slightly.

"These are for you," he says, holding out the bouquet. You take them, inhaling their sweet scent. 

"Thank you," you say, feeling your face flush.

Stepping aside, you allow him to enter your apartment. He steps in as he leans his cane against your coat rack. Shutting the door, you take his hand and lead him to your living room. He takes a seat as you take the bouquet to the kitchen and set them in the sink for a brief moment. 

You open your cabinet and reach for the dusty vase on the middle shelf. After washing it off, you fill it with water and place the roses within it. They were gorgeous. A mix of colors among the red roses. You loved it. Once you finish, you set the roses on your dining table and walk back to Matt.

“Ready!” You say taking his hand timidly.

He rubs circles into your hand with his thumb as if to say it was going to be okay. That’s when you realized how fast your heartbeat was. You could feel it thumping against your chest.

This was your very first date ever. So of course your heart was running a million miles a minute. Matt was no stranger to this though. You appreciated his patience with you.

As you both leave the apartment and lock your door, you attempt to make idle conversation. Mostly about how his work week has been, how Karen and Foggy were doing, and if he was getting any more sleep.

Walking down to the street, Matt calls a taxi and you both are on your way.The ride to the concert hall is filled with light conversation, the butterflies in your stomach still flying high.

Upon arriving, you notice how small the venue is. Intimate. It was perfect, really. You had expected it to be a much larger production.

Looking at your watch, you both had made it early. It really was a miracle due to how much traffic there was. You and Matt make your way to your seats, noticing you were towards the back of the theater. Again, it was perfect.

The stage is decorated with a beautiful array of instruments, and the musicians are tuning their instruments. You take a deep breath and try to relax.

Matt notices the tension in your body and gently places his hand on your thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. You look over at him and he gives you a reassuring smile.

His touch and warmth help calm your nerves, and you're grateful to have him here with you. You had waited such a long time for this. Dodging other dates in hope you could catch Matt’s attention.

As the lights dim and the conductor takes the stage, the audience falls silent. The orchestra begins to play, and the music fills the room.

The sound is rich and beautiful, and it instantly transports you to another place. You close your eyes and allow yourself to be swept away by the music. 

There were pieces you had heard before, and some you were hearing for the first time. Every so often you would look over to Matt to see how he was doing. He sat silently throughout the concert.

“How are you liking it?” You lean towards him and whisper.

His lips curl upward into a smile, “It’s beautiful. You?”

“I was thinking the exact same thing.

The conductor turns towards the audience after the previous piece. She smiles and thanks everyone for joining them that evening. Introducing the last piece, you hadn’t recognized the name. It was part of the Planet Suite by Holst. 

“Jupiter, Bringer of Jollity” The conductor says, “It is big, and powerful. Such as this symphony orchestra. Enjoy.”

She turns back around and raises her baton. The music starts slow and quiet, building up with the sound of the strings and horns. The music is loud and grand, and it fills the room with a sense of wonder and awe.

As the piece continues, you begin to feel a strange sensation wash over you. It's like your entire body is vibrating with the music, and you feel as though you might explode at any moment.

You look over at Matt, wondering if he is feeling the same thing, but he seems completely still, his face calm and serene.

Suddenly, the music reaches a crescendo, and your heart feels like it's going to burst out of your chest. The entire orchestra is playing together, and the sound is almost too much to bear. You close your eyes and surrender yourself to the music, letting it wash over you in waves. 

The anxiety that filled you earlier in the day had seemed to go away once the concert started. You both already knew each other, you just needed to bask in each other’s presence. How music could affect you so much, you will never know. 

As the piece comes to an end, the audience erupts into applause. You open your eyes and look around, feeling disoriented and dizzy. Matt’s head is towards you as you notice others standing from their seats.

The concert was over. Which meant the date was almost over. His hand gives your thigh a slight squeeze. Your heart began to pick up pace.

“Are you alright?” He says barely above a whisper.

“I’m great.” You begin, “That was the most beautiful piece I had ever heard in my life.”

“It was beautiful, wasn’t it?

You watch his face as it softens from his worried look. Was he concerned because of you? Grateful for the concern, you rest your hand on his. It made you feel seen and cared for.

Making your way out of the theater, the cool night air hits you as you step outside. You shiver and wrap your arms around yourself. 

"Are you cold?" he asks.

"A little," you admit. “How did you know?”

He’s silent for a moment before responding, “Call it an instinct.”

Without another word, he takes off his suit jacket and drapes it over your shoulders, his hand lingering on your arm for a moment. You feel a jolt run through your body at the touch.

"Thank you," you say, smiling up at him.

He smiles back at you, and you feel your heart flutter. You can't believe that someone like him is interested in you. It feels too good to be true.

As you both walk down the street, enjoying the cool night air, Matt takes your hand in his. You squeeze back, feeling a rush of warmth and affection wash over you. 

The walk back to your apartment was filled with a long comfortable silence. You couldn't help but feel giddy inside. Matt was holding your hand. It was more than you could have ever hoped for.

As you approach your building, he stops and turns towards you. You look up at him, your heart beating rapidly in your chest.

"I had a really great time tonight," he says softly.

"I did too," you reply, feeling a blush creeping up your cheeks.

He leans in close, his breath warm against your ear. “Would it be okay if I kissed you?”

This was it. Something you had been waiting for since you were just a teen. Your first kiss. Leaning back, you give a slight nod. 

“Please.” Is all you managed to say. Your heart pounding in your chest. 

Matt's lips meet yours, soft and gentle at first, but then growing more urgent as the kiss deepens. Your heart feels like it's going to burst out of your chest, and you wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you.

The kiss feels like it lasts forever, and when you finally pull away, gasping for breath, you can't help but feel a little lightheaded.

"That was amazing," you say, smiling up at him.

He grins back at you, “Was it worth the wait?”

“You have no idea.”

You both stand there for a moment, just staring at each other, and then he leans in to kiss you again. This time the kiss is more urgent, more passionate, and you feel your body responding to him in ways that you never thought possible.

Finally, he pulls away, his forehead resting against yours. You both are breathing heavily, and you can feel your heart pounding in your chest. 

“It’s getting late.” He finally says.

You nod in agreement. Pulling away from him your hand lingers on his chest for a minute.

“Thank you for tonight.” You say, “It was amazing.”

“I’ll see you soon. I promise.”

“Good. I was afraid you would ghost me or something.”

He chuckles. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Saying goodbye was a lot harder than you expected. It did happen eventually, and with that you walked into your building.

As you climb the stairs to your apartment, you can't help but replay the night's events in your head. The music, the kiss, the way Matt made you feel. You're filled with a sense of contentment and happiness that you haven't felt in a long time.

Opening the door to your apartment, you're hit with the familiar smell of home. You throw Matt's jacket onto the couch and collapse onto it, a wide grin on your face. You've never been one to believe in fate, but something about tonight felt like it was meant to be.

[apolloendymion]

listen to me. i am talking directly in your ear now.

save your kitchen scraps. I'm talking carrot tops, peels, and greens. the tops & skins of onion and garlic. celery leaves. squash rinds. citrus peels. apple cores. tomatoes and lettuce that are just a little too wilted/mushy to be palatable. eggshells. cheese rinds. chicken skin. potato skins if you washed the dirt off. the water/oil from canned foods. BONES!! skins, peels, stems, leaves, anything that isn't poisonous but you wouldn't normally eat. we're going to make some fucking Broth.

(note: cruciferous veggies like brussels sprouts are ok in small quantities, but keep in mind that they're bitter and may bitter-ize your broth in larger amounts.)

put those scraps in a bag in the freezer. I'd recommend storing the liquids in a separate bag from the solids. add scraps whenever you've got em, until you've accrued about half a gallon ziplock of solids. now, you're Ready.

put a little oil at the bottom of a soup pot. just enough to sauté your solids. add some minced garlic and herbs/spices, if you have them (dried is fine, but i don't recommend powdered spices unless they're all you've got.) i like warming spices like star anise and cardamom pods; they make it taste like pho, sooo cozy. and of course, bay leaves!! if you have them, put at least 3 in there. minimum. trust me.

(if you don't have/want animal parts, add a little more oil than necessary for sauteing. you're gonna want the extra, believe me. I'd also sauté for longer, and pick an oil with a little flavor if you can, like olive. canola/vegetable is perfectly fine though.)

add the solids and sauté. i usually just thaw them in the oil, but if you're better at planning than me, you can put them in the fridge the night before. ideally you should sauté until the veggies start to brown. I'm not always that patient. it's fine. just make sure everything fully thaws and separates from one another. get a thin coat of oil over everything.

next, add the liquid ingredients and fill the rest of the pot with water (taking care to leave some space in case it boils over.) bring the pot to a boil, then turn it as low as your stove allows and leave it to simmer for as long as possible. this is KEY. let that shit MARINATE. let it STEW, no pun intended. i usually try to start this project in the morning, so i can leave it for the rest of the day. i have left it on overnight before but i can't recommend that in good conscience. do not burn your house down for broth. 2 hours would probably be my absolute minimum. stay close by, and stir it every so often so it doesn't boil over. chill on the couch. watch tv. enjoy the smell that permeates your house and makes it feel like a home. it's cozy time.

add salt, tasting as you go. you don't want to overdo it. some folks say to add the salt at the sauteing stage, but i feel this gives me too little control over the final product. i need control. I've got anxiety. but you do you. live your life. I'm not your boss.

once it tastes how you want it, strain out the solids. if I'm going to make soup right away, then I'll strain the liquid directly into another pot, throw in the soup ingredients, and simmer till everything's soft. otherwise, put it in a container you can freeze for later.

rejoice. broth be upon ye.

sip it when you're sick, make it into soup, use it in a casserole, cook rice with it. give a jar to your neighbors. you are the broth god. you are unstoppable. you will never waste a vegetable piece ever again.

go forth and Experience The Broth.

[roseaesynstylae]

I have never started a tumblr ask exchange thing so please be nice

Okay so when I first was drafted into the Null arcs and Badbatchers were separated at decanting theory a few months before I stumbled upon your Ao3 account I coincidentally also came up with a Au involving one half of the Null-Bad batch going on a platonic yandere rampage towards their estranged batch mates although my wip is roughly waist depth in liquid gen rated romcom crackfic hijinks which has been giving me sooo much tonal whiplash whenever I reread your fic which I adore in a way that if I was free of writers block forever i would indulge you with a review of how goregeous it is but i am having a hard time describing your really cool serial killer platonic yandere dark fic and have to ask about something here so I thought maybe that you would enjoy reading what I have of my wip ( if you don’t mind me sharing of course and premature apologies for the remodel of the Great Wall of text on Tumblr I don’t know any other formatting techniques)

So um the major influence behind why I often write with a very humorous quirky quip filled style is due to my mental disabilities/disorders being mostly tolerable when I communicate in person orally ( except when I have an anxiety attack about talking ) but my struggles begin when I have to try to articulate/brainstorm/discuss/summarize my thoughts and fic ideas. I discovered that it is comparatively much easier if I use analogies and describe my things with comedy and wordplay so that is why I tend to be a editor’s nightmare in my wording and sorry for the dumpsterfire of my attempt to explain my take on this au

This au is set in a vaguely no order 66 timeline mostly in the background due to my complete inability to make the fic have a plot if the republic is suspiciously dead despite the empire coincidentally inheriting Literally everything so just picture the entire now living in the Jedi temple the former GAR eating bangcorn while they watch the shenanigans of the Bad batches involuntary collaboration with Keeping Up with the Skiratas like a soap opera. Still brainstorming exactly how the Nulls figured out that they are the first clones eligible for compensation for being swapped at birth but they do and they are NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT so obviously the First contact goes as poorly as the Nulls results on a emotional intelligence and social tact exam and the Bad Batch response is their signature combo of Fight AND Flight ( or well they utilize the inside knowledge of their perfect attendance of 99’s regular Take your Vodike to his Maintenance shifts cause it isn’t safe to use Kamino Daycare and the cadethood spent exploring,navigating and basically knowing every single crawl space maintenance tunnel secret compartment and clone accessible nook and cranny on Kamino to first go into hiding but they are as always overachievers and accidentally hide so well they cause the Nulls to make up for the lost time by terrorizing kamino with the most Intense Game of Hide and Seek ever played. And part of the reason the nulls are so Yandere is that a ever increasing amount of the clone population both on kamino and in general is that starting with the Alpha clones have begun aiding and abetting the Bad batch out of spiteful vengeance towards Skirata Poodoo such as ahem when wrecker leaves to safety of inside the walls to get more food from the cafeteria and a kal Skirata spots him they are blocked by a sudden crowd of petty commandos and reg troopers getting up to go to the fresher and the skiratas are caught in the living traffic jam of clones and all sorts of efforts like this increase frustrating the Skirata clan which is done due to the kal and co having a VERY POOR reputation with the Gar to the point that clone sympathies for the Batch having to escape from their increasingly unstable batchmates are helping in a enemy of my enemy is my friend and I owe the lowercase j jerks for being the indefinite distraction for the mando idolizing Jedi-hating chauvinist condescending egos with the second name skirata. But yeah so part one is basically the nulls impulsively making the worst approach at reuniting possible and the batch for the first time in their clone equivalent of Leeroy Jenkins lives decided to react to the threat via retreat and observation ( for Omega and cause crosshair was sick and thus incapable of voting that violence is the solution for the nulls especially) and the Nulls begin their development arc from at first the nulls notice the Search/hunt for the batch is challenging ( I HC that one of the things that the cloners messed up is having impulsively violent wired for adrenaline clones AND then only giving them physical emotional and mental enrichment via combat makes the way the relationship between both halves of the batch turn toxic … ( I am stuck cannot break the characterization of platonic yandere nulls into words will try later ) so that is what I have of my wip

That sounds funny! I personally wanted to try to be more sympathetic to the Nulls, but the only way I could think of to make them more sympathetic was to just hit them with a ton of trauma. Combine that with my desire to write a particularly dark version of the Bad Batch, and the result is what you’ve seen. I didn’t think of it before, but “platonic yandere” sums up the story.

[hasturswig]

I am losing my mind (again) about the fic when the world has dealt its cards. bravo.

thank you for making me feel ✨BUTTERFLIES✨, wow!!

I personally have been feeling a lot of anxiety preparing for season 2, and seriously this was like a gift to me as I have often pondered just posted "I have so much anxiety about this someone please console me" - this fic did just that. Because I remembered that no matter what happens, the dumb angel and not angel love each other :) It'll be fiiine.

this is the lovely gorgeous writing that made my heart unwind, firstly (this isn't an exact quote I'm sorry) "who was it that pleased the angel so?" sooo sweet

and gosh secondly...

As they watched, the angel new to Earth could feel what sparked between them, brighter to their senses than everyone around them, shining, splendid, strong, and beautiful. They felt its resonance within them, knew it as they knew their very essence.

Love.

Enormous love, ancient, potent, and very well established. Together, they were glorious, their heads so near to one another, the halo of bright curls tilted towards a burning crown of fire. Here were two beings alike, but not alike, complementing each other. There was strength there, and endurance, fidelity and loyalty. Whatever brought the interloper here this damp and chilly night, it would be better faced with these two on their side.

And the scene with their hands on the umbrella.... oh my gooooshh!!!! 😭 It's so innocent and sweet but it's so meaningful and precise and ohhh the part where Crowley is feeling so protective. Seriously on my "wishes and predictions" twt acc I wanted the new angel to feel the love between them and this just completely filled that part of my heart up to the brim for me. Thank you soooo much. I know of course this wasn't written *for* me, but isn't it such a lovely thing when a fic fits with your heart so well that it feels that way??

You are a talented writer and I'm so happy I follow u on tumblr! Lol! I'm like half star struck! 🤓💜

Okay back to being Super Normal Totally about the Michael sheen and David tennant-looking creatures... thank you for reminding me of your sweet fix it literally it cured my season 2 anxiety that has been keeping me up at night ❤️ sending u hopes for a fanatic day and a warm feeling like I had reading when the world has dealt its cards

sry this is a rambling nutso mess u don't have to post this LOL I am maybe embarrassing sorry ❤️❤️ I don't think this properly conveyed the many layers of your writing but I hope you Feel The Vibes

Gosh, this was the sweetest message to receive today! Thank you so much @rosetylahcrowleyinthetardis that is incredibly kind of you! I suspect I am wrong about just about everything here, but I absolutely love the idea that the angel will feel the love between Aziraphale and Crowley. Maybe Muriel will too, that would be incredibly cute. Thank you for reading my story and for getting in touch! ❤️

[marthawrites]

I'm trying something new for this month's book recap! For January I did a separate post for each book I read. Instead of doing that again, I'm combining all of them into a single post with a smaller afterthought/summary.

Here are my February reads! I'm so close to finishing my current book, "The September House" by Carissa Orlando, so that will be my first finished book of March. I'm LOVING it and can't wait to see how it ends!

My thoughts are below the cut! ♥

A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire: I enjoyed this book more than the first one (From Blood and Ash)! My biggest con with this series is Poppy's constant inner monologue. Like. Girl. I don't need to know every single thought that goes through your head - UGH. I often have to tell myself that when I was 19 I was also incredibly stupid and annoying. So, she gets a pass. BUT STILL. Sooo often I'm pinching the bridge of my nose like an exasperated mother or auntie. The ending was CRAAAYzeeee and it had me so excited to start the third book! Armentrout is insanely good with her cliffhanger endings!

Tender is the Flesh: Wow. Okay. So, first of all, this is an extremely heavy read and definitely not for everyone. It's terrifying. Throughout the whole thing, the scariest part to me, was the anxiety of 'wow I can actually see something like this happening'. The way "heads" - ESPECIALLY women - are treated in this story is absolutely horrific. While there are many many many horrendous acts spoken about, none of it (imo) goes into explicit detail. It really lets your mind wander and fill in the graphic details - which to me was both a blessing and a curse. While some readers might think the ending somewhat predictable, I can't say I saw it coming. It hit me like a truck. If you consider checking this book out, please read other (amazon or where ever else) reviews before diving into it ♥ because it is DISTURBING

Whalefall: I think this was my favorite read of the month. It was extremely emotional, powerful, and gritty. It gave me goosebumps a few times, made me tear up and even cry a couple times, and generally go through sooo many emotions with our main character, Jay. This story is so many things wrapped up in one and I really can't say enough good things about it. Part horror, part thriller, part coming of age, part self-discovery. Chefs kiss! Loved it loved it loved it

The Crown of Gilded Bones: The third book in the From Blood and Ash series! This one, to me, was definitely the slowest and the hardest to get through. SPOILERS!!! I'm honestly so glad Queen Isbeth/Ileana knocked some of the wind out of Poppy's sails and one-upped her. Like, yeah, I get it - Poppy is super strong and super powerful and super tough. Constantly reading about her badassery and sass gets irksome though. While I AM enjoying this series overall, I can only take so much of it at once. I need to take breaks between books so I don't get burnt out. I'm excited to see where the fourth book takes us! Because once again this author is wickedly good at cliffhanger endings!

Butcher and Blackbird: This book wasn't really what I was wanting it to be, honestly. Especially after seeing it hyped up soooo much on pretty much every social media site I frequent. The story - like, the overall plot not just the smut - fell flat. I wanted to read more about the whys and the hows rather than the constant snarky banter. I'm not trying to dis this book at all because I generally enjoyed it, BUT with how hyped it is I was expecting more, ya know? I swear books like this get so much hype BECAUSE OF the smut. While it was hot, YEAH, I can name three people in fandom off the top of my head this very instant that write better (dark romance) stories AND smut than this. Again, I'm not dogging it, I am simply spoiled by the hotd fandom and their talent. Tbh I'm unsure if I'll be reading more of this series!

Gild: Normally I wouldn't pick this book up - it's a King Midas retelling and I'm not familiar with the original myth! But I joined a local book club and this is what we're reading this month (feb). I'm really excited to have joined a book club and I hope it's something I keep up with! I really enjoyed the last quarter or so of this, and with the introduction of the pirates and fae I'm stoked to dive into the rest of the series!

(dis)honorable mention for my first DNF of the year. Bride by Ali Hazelwood. Between the way she writes and the narrator (audible) I... just... can't do it. This book has been hyped up all over the place and I fell for it. I tried. But, no. Maybe one day I will try it again. But for now it remains unfinished during chapter 6.

So far this year I've read 10 books! For some that might not be a lot, but for me it is! My tbr is growing as quick as I'm finishing them! Reading different genres is a lot of fun too, because this way I don't get burnt out of any one of them. I'm LOVING it!

Overall I recommend all of these books to fellow readers! If anyone wants to chat about them please hit me up!

[kael-writ]

agree that you should give other people space from any and all of your own smoking including vaping. Dont smoke and vape in closed spaces, it's rude as shit.

Vaping being new DOES mean we have to educate people that it isnt safe. People are less aware and more in denial.

So, Not saying the following to criticize anyone Im rb-ing here personally, just using it as a jumping off point to maybe help develop this message a little more? Obviously their intention was good, nothing wrong with it, and it's an important first step.

So.... I think people really need to understand that smokers know smoking is harmful. Drinkers know drinking is harmful.

Addicts know they are endangering and injuring ourselves when we use.

I just think it's worthwhile to add that unfortunately just "you should stop, it's dangerous" is not gonna make most vapers actually stop.

If you could "just stop" you would not be an addict. If you even really want to stop, you're often already pretty far into it to a point where it's really, really hard without a lot of resolve and a lot of help.

The reason people do things like "vape instead" is because they're looking to drugs and drug-like, addictive solutions to their problems and often addicts do know they're fucked but do try to practice some harm reduction, some control. As opposed to going into a full self destructive spiral, which can also happen.

but addicts are often trying to "maintain", to keep it together, to keep our feelings in check, to keep from having a panic attack or meltdown... and I think smoking is like the epitome of that in addiction, cigarette smoking is an addict trying to get through their workday and just take a little bit of the edge off. It's just a little drug that chills you out a little bit without getting you actually fucked up.

Sooo... quitting smoking is hard. Managing addiction is very, very hard. It can take decades to complete a process of really realizing you need to stop, really wanting to stop, and really being able to stop.

When I smoked cigarettes, I knew it would fuck up my lungs, but I also thought didn't particularly plan on living past my mid-20s.

Sooo if we want to really reach young people who are just starting to smoke and vape... I think we have to have a more comprehensive understanding that what addicts need is not so much to be told not to use, but to be told, "I understand you are stressed out, and if you need help de-stressing in a more healthy way, I am happy to help you."

I wish I could tell people how to quit smoking cigarettes. The only reason I did was because I got so fuckin sick I couldnt physically do it for long enough to quit.

I can say that quitting drinking and weed took many tries and lots of help but the biggest thing was massively investing in my mental health and being willing and able to suffer a lot and work a lot for that sobriety. And it's fucking awesome and worth it.

Some little practical things to do with drug cessation in early stages:

- deep breathing and meditation exercises, like grounding.

- take a long walk without your drug or your wallet.

- take a hot bath.

- wait just five minutes. Then try five minutes more. Let yourself feel your anxiety and discomfort rise and fade.

- write. Write for five full minutes, or just fill one page. Write through the hard thoughts and feelings that are making you want to use.

- call a friend, or go be around a sober person who you feel comfortable with

- tell people you are seriously quitting and dont spend time with people or in places where that sobriety choice wont be respected or you will be tempted

- take your ID out of your wallet and leave it at home.

- reward yourself with some healthy alternative, like a good movie

- practice positive self talk. Cheer yourself on. Dont beat yourself up if you use, it wont help, and dont give up, just keep trying.

I know I sound like your mom but you kids need to stop fucking vaping

[am3ricanj3sus]

4/24

song of the day:

yayayay another anxiety filled day!!!!!! YES!!!! i’m gonna die bro. but I chose to focus on the happy things. it was js a little sad tho. my friends could tell I was off but I js told them that I was tired. it’s whatever tho life goes on.

in first period we started using the sewing machines and I thought it was gonna be easy but nahhhh. I wanted to die. I accidentally made a nest like two times and it’s so embarrassing like. but I think tmrw i’ll do better. I js was scared so I think i’ll get used to it. in second we started reading a new book and it’s kinda fire so far. it’s a dystopian novel so yeah. talking about it also js made me remember I had work so…. I wont do that!!! in third my teacher wasn’t there so blah blah blah. I js played my little games and talked to my friends. fourth was pretty normal. I made another plate liek yesterday and it is kinda ass. also I am starting to think this guy in the class is cute. but he sits at the table where all the annoying guys sit so it’s like…. I do like that class tho. it’s something i’ve always wanted to do so it’s cool. but that was the day.

I cant wait for summer to start ugh. i’m going on a big trip and I think that it’ll fix everything. I js needa get out of this town (I sound so movie wattpad) it’s js like I literally can’t do anything. my parents aren’t like strict in anyway it’s js they don’t want me going to certain places cause they grew up here and they know how much it’s changed. and I don’t blame my friends for getting annoyed but I only listen to my parents to get the other freedoms that I have. like i’m not very restricted on many aspects in life and ik they js want me to be. also like I js don’t like going out that often.

but to talk about my favorite thing: crushes!!!! dude I literally can’t even. I have like 4 now. like 3 in the past week this is embarrassing. there’s the guy i’m friends with, mr c and the dude in my fourth period. like they’re all really small crushes but they’re there. mr c is probably the biggest. I really want to talk to him and get into one of his classes next year but I don’t think that i’ll be able to since i’m taking so many other things that need to be done. like I have to retake part of a class and that’s sooooo. but it’s whatever. i’ve told like 12 of my friends about my crush on him and they all like agree in a way. I mean he is super young. like 25. he went to our school to. like he may have come back to his old school to teach but I don’t think he peaked here. anyways he wasn’t here today I was sooooo sad. I walked by his class with a friend that also thinks he’s cute and was like “FUCKKKKKK” really loud lowkey like…. embarrassing! and this other guy I have a crush on was right in front of me. and this other guy, i’ve literally had a crush on him since like october. it’s not even funny. like I don’t know what it is. he’s like smart? and quiet? and cute? and like ugh. but he also has sooo many downsides. but I wont say them that’s embarrassing. he got this bad haircut recently but now that it’s fluffed out it’s kinda eating. I really wish he’d bring back his hair cut from october - december tho. it was soooo amazing. like it was slicked back and ooooh. and his hair now it’s like eh. it’s like slicked back but a mullet. I think he got a low taper fade this shit not hard. also I found out his birthday. and I may or may not have done something with that info muah ha ha. he’s an aquarius what the fuck. nasty. sorry to my fellow water signs. anyways like

I think everyone js needs to disappear. like I need the earth to myself for a solid 25 years. anyways i’m tired. honk shoooooo

[thoscheiongallifrey]

Top best moments of the last year and top best moments of this year

Ask me my “TOP 5” anything!

2018: in no particular order

attending my first Pride with my sis and scream-singing “Born this Way” while waving a rainbow-flag. Awesome

seeing Fall Out Boy in concert

I got my driver’s license, moved in with my boyfriend and got my first job during this year. I call this: Major lifetime steps. It feels like one big moment/movement in my life that’s why it’s summed up. 

I have no idea why but the moment me and my boyfriend were at our hotel in Berlin and we just decided to take a nap. We fell asleep all cuddled up together and just spend a few hours sleeping, tired from walking all day. I smile thinking of this. I cherish the stillness and relaxation with him so much

It was late September and we took a small trip to the Swiss Alps, perticulary the Bernina passage. I reeeally wanted to dip my feet into one of the lakes up there but didn’t feel curagous enough to just do it. My boyfriend just rolled his eyes and ran down to a small lake, took off his shoes and went in. I started laughing and ran after him. My mother was terrified and called us insane. I loved it so so much. He gives me the courage to do things 

2019: in no particular order (it’s only February okay) 

building a giant LEGO Saturn V rocket. Freaking awesome wooohoo

I got invited to ONE job interview in January and got the job.

I have finally the mental capacity to start thinking about hobbies. Like I started learning American Sign Language just because I can. 

I have quit my gym membership. Honestly it was a huge step for me to admit that I wasn’t ready for it. I am GLAD I did it. Like finally I don’t feel bad about sports. It’s just not the right thing for me right now. 

I have received all my credits for my Master degree. I will hand in the documentation to get it tomorrow or even today. give me a few weeks and I will be finally the Master and NO STUDENT ANYMORE. omg. 

also one moment from 2018 I want to add: “I see Fire” during sunset at the Ed Sheeran concert. *___* heell yeah. Also riding a giant unicorn floatie on the Zugersee was so memorable. 

aand a major plan for 2019: I want to get my Swiss passport. Intimidating bürocratic stuff but I want it. 

[hhhecates]

Jujutsu Kaisen Second Years Headcanons

• Inumaki can either binge watch YouTube or an entire anime for the entire night and run on 10 minutes of sleep, one carton of strawberry milk and be ready to challenge God on a pokèmon match, or need his 8 hours of beauty sleep and if someone dares to wake him before 10, they're just not coming back alive, sorry;

• On this account, the rest of the second years play rock, paper, scissors every day to decide who's gonna be the victim the one waking inumaki up;

• Side note, the first time it happened, Maki was 100% done already and thought they were just being stupid, she made the grave mistake of just barging into inumaki's room unannounced and girl came back traumatized. From that day on, rock, paper, scissors moments are taken very seriously;

• They all collectively share one braincell, they are super reliable on their own, but put even two of them together and see the braincell disappear. It's also twice as bad if inumaki is involved. Man can turn reliable senpai okkotsu into a menace (and it's megumi's biggest nightmare tbh);

• However, it's three times as bad if it's yuuta and inumaki with maneater!reader, nobody knows how their sense of responsibility all completely vanishes, but it does, and then you get OP children roaming free, and they're not just ready to fight God, but to become him;

• Maki is probably the most responsible one of the bunch (arguably, it would actually be yuuta or reader, but man is too tired and most of the times too soft, and reader just doesn't give a fuck);

• However, the roles quickly reverse when maki isn't taking good care of herself (which is often, cause girl is just that stubborn and focused on training) and then she'll turn into the whiniest baby and yuuta and reader become literally her parents,,, example;

• "Maki, eat your veggies" "Not doing that, they taste like fucking grass, I'm not a cow" "... Alright then, good luck finding your junk food in the cabinet then" cue maki begrudgingly eating her veggies because she knows better than to try yuuta and reader;

• Also girl will literally forget to drink water and even when she does drink, it's always energy drinks or sodas, and it's an unspoken agreement between second years to switch out her water bottles (filled with soda) with one that actually contains water;

• We all know that Panda and Inumaki are a dangerous duo, but have you considered Panda and reader?? The two of them are unarguably the two smartest students at Jujutsu High, and you know what they also are? Completely merciless. They will play mind games on you for fun and laugh at you if you cry;

• Yuuta is reader's bestfriend, and inumaki is a close call too, but if asked reader will always say that maki is their bestfriend because it makes the other two sulk adorably. Maki will then proceed to say that her favourite though is Panda, which will make reader just look at her with the most betrayed and affronted pout on their face, and tbh it's a sight too rare to pass up. Really though, they're all each other's bestfriend, the second years are a super tight group and consider each other family;

• During their first year, reader was the tallest of the bunch (aside from Panda), but after Yuuta comes back from his year overseas, he grew to be almost as tall as Gojo and reader legitimately didn't speak to him for two days cause they were a n g r y. Please, inumaki had so much fun seeing reader so frustrated sksksks. But poor yuuta genuinely thought they were angry at him (don't worry though, they quickly made up, reader couldn't stay away from yuuta if they fucking tried to);

• Now though, reader always walks on their tip toes around him or wears platform shoes and yuuta finds it so fucking precious, but please don't tell reader or he'll get bOnKeD;

• Reader, Inumaki and Panda have anime nights together in toge's room (man has the biggest room out of everyone too) yuuta will come at 3 am to tell them to go to sleep but he ends up joining, maki yells at them but ends up joining too;

• Maki is the most obnoxious cuddler when sleepy or tired (she will deny it tho, so don't bring it up unless you wanna get smackedd) and she will cling onto reader like her life depends on it because reader gives her head scratches and plays with her hair (pliz, maki and reader are so soft for each other);

• Yuuta and reader unconsciously hold pinkies when they are out in a crowd because they both have social anxiety and find lots of comfort in each other;

• Inumaki and reader always go to the convenience store together to get snacks at like 1 am, most of the times they successfully drag along maki too with the promise of junk food, and then they get lost in the ailes having a competition about who finds the weirdest flavour of chips or smth;

• When yuuta is overseas, the rest of the second years videocall him every night (or every week, depending on how long his missions are) it's the most chaotic calls too and it makes yuuta laugh so hard.

I honestly have sooo many more of these,,, I just love the second years too much--

[lostinfantasyworlds]

Hello dear! When you come up with an idea, what is your writing process like, from conception to publication? What comes easy for you with writing? What do you struggle with? I'm so excited for you to finish Under the Northern Lights--I'm so looking forward to the binge!

Hi @fawn-eyed-girl!!! Thank you SO much for this question!!! I've always wanted to explain my writing process a bit more, since I feel like I'm always making cryptic, weird references to it 😆. I'm so excited to finish UTNL too, and I'm so excited for you to read the rest!!! 🥰❤️

Answer under the cut because it is LONG...sorry hahaha

What is my writing process like, from conception to publication?

So...when I see those posts that circulate on tumblr about writers having tons and tons of WIPs, I can't relate 😆. Ideas for stories are actually kind of few and far between for me, and they seem to pop into my head randomly, often in response to some kind of visual or a song or something like that. Most commonly though, I get a lot of ideas while I'm in the shower, for whatever reason 😆. In fact, I think I had just gotten out of the shower (back in February) and was looking out my upstairs bathroom window down at my snow-covered backyard when the idea for UTNL suddenly popped into my head, and within minutes was a fully-formed story with all of the major plot points and everything!

Once the idea has been had, I need to write it down immediately because my memory is AWFUL and I will definitely forget otherwise. So as soon as I get an idea for either a story, or for a scene, dialogue, etc, I will jot it down in the notepad on my phone. Sometimes I'll write down an entire rough draft of a scene/story, sometimes it's just a couple bullet points. 

Then comes the planning, especially if it's a longfic like UTNL. I am a planner through and through, and don't think I will ever be able to publish a multi-chapter story without having a super clear outline of the major plot points and an idea of what needs to happen in each chapter. This is not to say that I think there’s anything wrong whatsoever with the pantser approach! We are all different, and I very much admire those who can figure out a story as they go along! It’s just that for me, I need to have it planned out as much as possible, otherwise I think I would have sooo much anxiety.

With UTNL, I had all of the major plot points planned way back in February, as well as rough versions of a lot of the pivotal scenes, written down in my phone. Then, I made a Google Doc with an outline each chapter, making bullet points for all of the major plot points to be covered.

After that, I created the doc for the actual fic, and just started pasting in the scenes I had already written down in my phone into their respective parts of the story, and started writing the rough versions of the early chapters. In my rough first drafts, I just kind of "word vomit" and try to get the general idea of the chapter down on paper without any regard to sentence structure, flow, etc. I might leave certain details or even entire scenes to be filled in later.

I then would have Jane ( @goshinote) read/comment on the rough draft to get general feedback/just to share the story with her as it was created because it’s dedicated to her and she has been such a huge fan/support! 

At some point after that (sometimes months later, depending where I was at with publishing) I start finalizing the chapter to get it ready to post. I used to refer to this process as “editing”, but it's pretty much the opposite of that lol so I stopped saying that. This is where I fully flesh out the chapter (often doubling or even tripling/quadrupling the word count of the rough draft), do any research that needs to be done to fill in details, add in all the transitions etc that I might've left out before, and start paying attention to actual writing style. At some point around this stage, or during the next one, is when I have Jane read through the more finalized version again to help catch grammar errors etc!

AND THEN, FINALLY, the part that really takes me the longest is the final pass-throughs, when I really get into the nitty gritty of every single sentence and start overthinking all kinds of little nitpicky writing things like word choice, syntax, flow, not repeating words too often, etc etc etc. Those things are kind of new to me, so it takes me forever and a half for me to figure out the best way to convey what I'm trying to say and keep within my writing style, etc. Also, at this stage I'll really put myself in the shoes of the characters and try to mentally act out each line and think 'Would they actually say that? How would they say it? What would they be doing?' etc.

That still doesn’t even fully cover my level of neuroticism and the insane amounts of time I spend combing through every line of every chapter even after it’s already been published, but this answer is already so long and I haven’t even answered the rest of your questions! 🤦🏻‍♀️Sorry 😆

What comes easy with writing?

I guess that initial stage, where I’m just kind of letting the ideas flow directly from my head to the page and not worrying about all the extra stuff. Most of the time it’s just a scene that I’m seeing play out like a movie in my head, so I try to just plop it down as plainly as possible to describe what I’m seeing. 

Also...at this point, I think I’m known for writing really emotional stuff. I think that comes really easily to me too, and it’s what I love exploring most when writing. My main goal is make whoever might be reading feel something.

What do I struggle with when writing?

Pretty much all of that nitty gritty, technical writing stuff that comes in the later stages of my process. I’ve learned a lot over the past year and I think I’ve improved quite a bit, but obviously still have a long way to go. I think one of the biggest things for me has been grasping the concept of ‘show, don’t tell.’ I have a tendency to want to dive into the characters heads and write long descriptions of their thoughts and feelings, so I’ve tried to get better at reeling that back a little bit in favor of dialogue and/or actions. And in the beginning of UTNL, I definitely wrote wayyy too much backstory that I could have just shown/revealed later on (and still did, so it ended up being repetitive).

Oh, and I also dragged through the location research I had to do for UTNL omg. I hated it so much at certain points 😆. Some of it was fun, but with them traveling all over a state I had never been to before, I had to do SO SO SO much research about all kinds of little details, and at one point I was like please make it stop 😭😂hahaha. WRITING IS FREAKING HARD.

If anyone has actually read all of this, BLESS YOU ❤️

Thank you so much again for the questions, Fawn!!! This was a lot of fun to answer!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[tenya]

Got any headcanons for Project Diva Infinite? (Maybe some stuff about what he and Sonic like to do together between battles?) (like braiding Infinite’s hair)

before we get into that i just want to take a second to acknowledge how your phone (presumably) autocorrected “nova” to “diva” because i am absolutely LOSING it. that’s so funny. maybe in a parallel universe, miku infinite became a trend instead of miku amy. wouldn’t that be somethin

but anyways, yeah i got some headcanons!

as we’re all aware, infinite takes himself Very Seriously. he also has a very straightforward set of goals: get revenge on shadow and prove he’s not weak (by taking over the world). i’d imagine this leads to him not doing a lot of fun stuff, since there’s no time for games when he’s so devoted to his persona and his goals.

sooo he probably trains a lot. both physically and with the phantom ruby! i think it’d be fun if he and sonic sparred. there’s no doubt in my mind that infinite would make a remark about how he’s not used to “holding back” to sonic, since the goal of their brawls is to keep their skills sharp, not kill each other.

that being said, i don’t think infinite would have been too keen on the idea at first. he’s a big “lone wolf” type, so it probably took some convincing from eggman to get him to agree to it. not to mention, the last people he trained with like that are dead now and you know what they say about old scars still aching. but yeah, eggman would probably want to observe/take notes on sonic in a controlled environment, so he’d push for it.

other than that, i think it’d be interesting if infinite didn’t like to sleep much. cuz, like, it’d make him feel vulnerable, which is a big no for him. his squad used to sleep in shifts, probably, and i like to think sonic would pick up on this anxiety pretty quick and be like how can you be at your best if you’re tired all the time? don’t worry--i’ll watch your back! :]

in that same vein and unlike sonic, infinite also still needs to eat, but because he doesn’t want anyone else touching his food, he makes all of it himself.

some other stuff... infinite has a weapon collection that he maintains in his (purposefully small) spare time. he doesn’t use them because they’re trophies or keepsakes. most of them he ““acquired”” on past jobs. he tells sonic about how he got all of them... eventually.

i don’t think infinite would let sonic touch his hair tho. at least not often. maybe very rarely. i said it once already but that’s a huge display of trust and it would take a long time to get to it. 

and one last thing while we’re here... since he’s awake all the time, sonic has a lot of time on his hands. he burns through it by reading basically anything he can get his hands on. there’s a lot of books lying around and even though a lot of them are boring cuz they’re just filled with schematics and stuff, at least they’re something to occupy himself with. infinite is kinda intrigued by this behavior since he didn’t think sonic was the kind of guy who liked to read lol. he also pays attention to which books sonic picks up, just in case he stumbles across something incriminating. 

[xbellaxcarolinax]

Forging A Heart (Ivar the Boneless) 16- Free

Pairing: Ivar x Artemis (OFC)

Word Count: 3381

Warnings: None.

AN: Thanks for the love guys, I appreciate it sooo much 😊 For those who have read this on Wattpad, I have edited the hell out of this story, so some parts have changed. Anyway, hope ya’ll enjoy.

15- York

...

One thing Ivar loved to do was sing.

They were usually the old lullabies his mother would sing to him as a child on nights when the pain was impossible to ignore. It remind him of his father. It was his peace of mind.

"Just wait, though wide he may roam, always a hero comes home,"

Ivar's hand hovered over the chess board as he contemplated his next move. His voice was almost a whisper, the melody ghosting over his pink lips, haunting yet beautiful.

"He goes where no one has gone, but always a hero comes home."

He quickly moves his piece forward, snatching his opponent's piece from the board and into the small horde of his collection. His opponent, the bishop, was as surprised as Artemis, his eyebrows shooting up at Ivar's quick attack. Ivar continues to hum the rest of the tune while waiting for the bishop to make his move. Apparently he learned the game from Prince Alfred sometime ago.

"What do you think of the bishop?" He suddenly asks her, his blue eyes following the bishop's scarred hand.

"I'm more interested in the game, I think."

Bishop Heahmund did not seem like a pleasant man. He often shot her accusatory glares after noticing the cross about her neck. He didn't resemble a man of the clergy with his leather clothes and cropped hair, and even less so with a sword in his hand. He didn't speak often, but when he did, it was rough and strained, as if he'd been screaming for an entire lifetime.

"He fascinates me. He is quite an impressive fighter." Ivar comments, turning his body to look at her from across the room, "His sword, I'd like you to examine it. It is unlike anything I've seen."

"As you wish, Prince."

The bishop mutters something to Ivar in that Saxon language. It was so dissimilar to the other languages of the Mediterranean, so foreign and strange. The way his mouth would move and how his tongue shifted to make certain sounds was beyond her, but Ivar grasped it with ease.

The bishop gazes at her with scrutiny in his eyes before looking back at Ivar's amused ones.

"He asks of your origins. He can clearly see you're not of the north."

"And I can clearly see he is no bishop." Ivar snorts at her comment, beckoning her closer. She was much too far for his liking. Artemis was hesitant in taking the seat that Ivar offered beside him, but she complies. She kept her eyes trained on the pieces on the chess board, very elaborately decorated.

Ivar speaks once again in the Saxon tongue, repeating her words and watching as the bishop rolled his eyes.

"I am Greek." She tells the man, waiting to see if he understood her. She didn't know whether he spoke her language or not, but most priests and clergymen did. He must have, because he hesitated, completely caught off guard.

"Do you understand me?"

"Minimal." The bishop answers brokenly. Perhaps he really was a bishop. "You are far from home." He continues.

"I have his brother to thank for that." She discreetly motions toward Ivar, who watches their conversation in fascination.

"Your people do not follow the Holy Father in Rome." Bishop Heahmund grunts out in his terrible Greek, finally losing his king piece to Ivar. Artemis rolls her eyes.

"Right. It has been a pleasure." She stands, pushing the chair back with an unpleasant screech before marching off to where she previously stood.

"Why has he upset you? I thought you'd both get on well," Ivar waved his hand about to explain himself further, the king piece in his tight grip, "He even speaks your language."

"I am not Christian enough for him-" Ivar snorts at this, "The people of the east do not follow the pope of Rome."

"What? What is a pope?"

"A man who has power over all Christian men of the west, even the kings." Artemis tries to explain the petty rivalies of the church, making herself busy by sorting out all of Ivar's daggers and wiping them down with a dampened cloth.

"I do not understand," Ivar frowned, helping the bishop set up the board again for a new match, "Are you Christian's not all the same?"

"It is much more complicated than that," She says, "There are different rules and traditions." If she were facing him, she would have seen him roll his eyes.

"East, west, you are all the same to me." He says after moment, his eyes following Heahmund's first move.

There was a long silence that followed, and only the clinking of the chess pieces against the porcelain board filled the chamber. Artemis settled comfortably in her thoughts as she polished Ivar's daggers. It was a useless task, really, as they would probably be impaled into an unlucky brute soon.

"Are you his whore?" Heahmund's scratchy voice burned the insides of her ears.

She really didn't like him.

"Of all the words to learn, you learned that one?" The bishop shrugs.

"You learn the bad ones first." Artemis scrunched her face in displeasure, turning to look at him from over her shoulder.

"I am his blacksmith, bishop." Ivar looks between the two in confusion.

"It seems I will have to learn this language as well," Ivar grunts, "Did he offend you?"

"I believe you should ask him that."

Once again the odd sounds of the Saxon language filled the room unpleasantly until Ivar snorts again, a large smile breaking across his face.

"The man has humor." Ivar let's out the laugh he'd been holding in when he sees her obvious distaste for the bishop.

"I find no joy in his humor." Ivar sighs, but the annoying smile still plays on his lips.

"Then I shall put you at ease. You may go." She was glad for it, storing away his daggers in a leather pouch and setting them aside before turning and giving Ivar a respected bow. She didn't miss the bishop's glare, and she was quick to return the gesture.

"Artemis?" Ivar calls after her, "Do not try anything stupid."

What he meant to say was do not try anything stupid because I have a guard following you.

...

Ivar decided to have guards posted at every entrance way and anywhere he felt a need for them, reflecting his rising paranoia. He felt treachery at every corner and deception in every path. His anxiety escalated ever since he'd severed ties with his older brother.

When Ubbe left, he took a small fleet of boats with him back to Kattegat. He was in obvious disagreement with his youngest brother. He had no desire to venture farther into England for raiding. All he wanted was to live out their fathers dream and farm the land that was given to them by King Ecbert. Except, that land wasn't really rightfully theirs anyway.

It was sad to see such a family drift apart from each other, all because Ivar was ambitious and wanted more.

Hvitserk had hesitated, leaving with Ubbe aboard the ship until the very last moment, deciding to jump off and change his allegiance with Ivar. The oldest left quite solemnly, but it didn't deter him from what he felt was his duty. He didn't agree with Ivar nor his ideas or commands, and therefore he felt no need to remain under such leadership.

It was sad to watch Ubbe leave. He was the glue that kept the Ragnarson's together and was a good man with a heart of gold. Artemis offered him an apple before he left. It made the blonde smile.

Ivar felt betrayed.

Despite all the taunting he had done watching his brother leave, it hurt him so much more than he could express. Ubbe was his defender, the one who always looked out for him. Now he was gone.

Ivar did what he knew best, throwing things about in his fury. His anger lasted days, lashing out on anyone who dared to approach him. But the anger passed as it always did and the conquest in York continued.

He kept true to his word, having a guard monitor her whenever she was alone.

It was a trust issue at first, but then word spread that a slave woman was raped by one of his own men. In a different situation, Ivar wouldn't have batted an eye at that as it was no business of his what his men wanted to do with slaves. But then it had him thinking about his own slave. Not that the men would dare touch her for obvious reasons, but still, it was precaution.

She was safe, for the most part, but grew weary of such boring company. And she was sure this guard was bored of hers. If she wasn't followed by Ivar's guard then she was in the company of Hvitserk, who constantly joked about having to play caretaker. Artemis actually liked his company.

Spring was slowly beginning to transition into the summer heat, carrying with it the humid airs and more rain. Her hair didn't agree with the weather, the long strands expanding into disarray until she finally decided to sport them into mediocre braids.

It took Artemis some time to grow accustomed to the new city. She often explored it when she could spare the time, following the path of the river Thames's slow moving waters. She found herself admiring the English view.

But if anyone were to search for her, she could be found in York's forge. It was nothing like Ecbert's forge, but it was still impressive. The area was large and heated, made for multiple men to work at once, with a large pit for a blazing fire in the middle. She loved it.

She became aquainted with the technique of the northerners with Arvid's help, and now she strived to retain more knowledge from the Saxons, specifically the bishops sword. She had taken the sword to examine it as Ivar requested, and she understood why he was so fascinated by it.

It was forged of a stronger material, and she could already tell it was quite expensive to own. The long sword had a golden pommel, with precious stones embedded on the grip. There was something engraved into the blade, which only added to its mystery.

Heahmund was obviously once a rich man.

Artemis ran her fingers over the smoothness of the blade, working to shine it to perfection. She was reminded of her father, a master of crafting blades. She thought less of him. The less she thought of him, the less it hurt, burying it deep within herself as to not feel the emotional pain of having no family and being utterly alone.

...

Artemis had done a fantastic job staying away from Arvid.

She didn't speak to him, she didn't even glance in his direction. He'd catch her from time to time, speaking to his wife, sharing a laugh or two with her, inquiring on his health, but nothing more. He'd wondered how she managed to dance her way around him, despite them working together. He suppose he deserved it.

Arvid found a chance to speak to her, catching her sitting on the stool that Ivar sat on only days ago while enduring the painful pricking of a tattoo. Artemis hears his boots scuffing up the dirt, stopping in front of her. His handsome features were clouded with remorse.

"Do you hate me?" He asks bluntly.

"Hate is a strong word, Arvid."

"It was not my intention to-"

"I do not understand what your intentions were." She interrupts him with a sigh. Her small fingers held onto a whetstone, sharpening the bishop's sword. When Arvid steps closer for a better look at it, the guard he failed to notice made his presence known, hand resting on the hilt of his sword. They were part of Ivar's personal guard. The guard was quite a distance away, but he held a threatening stance. Arvid frowns.

"What is done, is done," Artemis continued to say, posture becoming more rigid the longer he stood there.

"Surely you have much more to say than that." Arvid insists.

"Not really."

Arvid runs a hand down his rugged face. He wanted to shout at her and elicit something from her, but he was better off steadying his tone if this guard was watching.

"Odin help me. You are infuriating."

"And you are a traitor. You do not value our friendship," She replied harshly, sheathing the sword and placing it at her feet with less care then she should have before crossing her arms. "You sold me out for your own selfish reasons, and now you want to reconcile?"

"I did not wish to see you make a mistake." His tone drops lower, and his blue eyes shone with regret. He didn't want to have a simple friendship, his passionate heart wouldn't allow it.

"That was my mkstake to make," Artemis remained with her arms crossed, but her anger slowly faded, leaving nothing but a frown in its wake, "He could have killed me, you know."

"Nonsense, he cares for you," Arvid scoffs with a roll of his eyes, "He even has that nice guard to watch over you,"

"Now is not the time for your petty jealousy," Artemis, stands grabbing the heavy sword in her hands, "I could have been home. I had a chance." A wave of emotion erupted in her like a storm out at sea, and angry tears blurred her vision. She told herself she wouldn't cry anymore, she refused to show such weakness, but her voice quivered terribly, and her skin flushed pink from the stress of tears.

She was emotionally tired.

Arvid felt terrible. His attempt at making amends was failing miserably. The last thing he wanted was to see her weep.

"Forgive me." He says dumbly to her, but he knew that wouldn't be suffice. He was pathetic, pining over a women that would always belong to Ivar. The youngest prince of Kattegat did not hide his feelings well, it was obvious. He cared for Artemis in his own way, even if he couldn't admit it.

Arvid had no right to be envious. He had a beautiful and loyal wife who cared for him as any wife should her husband, yet he felt the jealously tighten its hold on him. He should not have been so selfish.

"Artemis?" The sound of Hvitserk's voice made her quickly wipe her face free of any tears.

"Ivar is requesting your presence." His brows rose in silent questioning, but he says nothing, only watching with eyes of suspicion as she casts Arvid one last look before walking over to Hvitserk.

"Prince Hvitserk."

"You know, I tire of such formalities." He says with a small smile, draping his arm about her shoulders as he usually did when he was being particularly friendly. She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the rare sunlight that poked through her wet lashes before turning her gaze to the Ragnarson.

"Hvitserk." She corrected herself, rubbing at her nose with the back of her hand.

"What did he want?" Hvitserk looks over his shoulder. At least Ivar trusted him enough for the guard to slink away when he came around.

"He was seeking forgiveness." She mutters, clutching the sword tight.

"I should be seeking yours as well." He laughs, ruffling her already messy curls over the area where her wound should've healed by now. He did it to ease her discomfort, but only succeeded in making her feel like a child. She swats his hand away, offering him a smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

"Can you forgive me?"

"I suppose," She begins, looking away from him, "What does Ivar need?"

"I am not sure, you know he refuses to disclose his plans." He was clearly annoyed about it. Hvitserk stayed behind with Ivar expecting for them to share the role of leader, but Ivar always kept his older brother out of the loop, leaving him in a foul mood.

"But he appeared to be in better spirits, so I'm sure he is up to something." He shrug, laughing when she playfully pushes him off before entering the church.

She wished she could have seen it in its glory, before it was desecrated. The walls were draped in Ivar's new sigil, a red banner with a circle of gold and black swirls. It was a sign of the future king he desired to be.

A blonde woman came skittering out into the hall, barely dressed and a large grin on her face. Artemis recognized her as Freydis, a pretty slave that roamed about the camp as a woman of pleasure. Freydis passes her, giving her a wolfish grin. She runs off in a flurry of giggles, pulling her tattered dress over her thin shoulders.

That was strange.

Artemis rounds the corner to see Ivar sitting on his throne with a blush dusting his chiseled cheekbones. He clears his throat when he sees her approach.

"Artemis."

"What can I do for you, Prince?"

"I have news." Artemis's brows knit in confusion.

"News?" He smiles, glancing at the sheathed sword in her hands.

"Yes, but first, how fair's the bishop's sword?"

"...It is impressive, made of superior steel, but surely not by any dwarfs." She jokes, which in turn makes Ivar smirk, resting his chin on his hand. He wore his metal legs, tapping a finger along the dark iron.

"You know nothing of the dwarfs, Artemis," He says with a chuckle, before straightening his posture, and suddenly he wore a thoughtful expression. He cleared his throat, bringing his hands together and lacing his fingers across his lap.

"I've decided to grant you what you most desire."

The words barely hit her, her mind slowly wrapping around the meaning. She opens her mouth as if to speak, but stops herself, not knowing what to say.

"I thought you'd be more excited," He was rather serious, staring at her with an odd intensity, "You have your freedom." His brow wrinkles as he awaited her response.

"I do not understand." She says, feeling her kneecaps shake, "Why did you not let me go with Bjorn?"

"...I did not want you to leave...under such circumstances, and without my consent," He hesitates, unable to meet her eyes, "I thought it would be the right thing to do." She had longed to hear him say such words. She lowers her head in disbelief, placing a hand to her brow as a weight lifted off her shoulders. It seemed too easy.

"No, none of that." Ivar says with a roll of his eyes. When she turns her eyes towards him he frowns, leaning forward on his throne as if to examine her features closely.

"Have you been crying?" Ivar grips his axe tightly, making movements to stand, "Has someone hurt you?" She shakes her head, biting her lip, but otherwise remains quiet.

"Are you hurt?" He urges, this time his tone was softer than she's ever heard it before. She sighs.

"Only my heart. I am homesick,"

"You are a free women now," His demeanor changes instantly, straightening his back against his makeshift throne, "You are free to navigate, but I cannot spare you any ships or men to help you, I need them all at my disposal." Artemis nods, keeping her eyes downcast.

"But," He continues, "I will offer to have you stay in my service as a blacksmith if you wish to remain loyal to me. You shall always have a roof over your head and food in your belly, if you choose to accept." She shifts on her feet, holding the bishop's sword to her chest in thought.

"You will be protected." He adds, noting the doubt in her eyes. After a few moments of silence, she nods, raking a hand through her hair. She hoped it wouldn't be a mistake.

"I accept the offer, Prince Ivar," He smiles at her, a genuine smile that could light every candle in the hall.

"Excellent choice," He says, "I shall like you to come back to Norway with me, to King Harald's lands. It is time to enact my revenge on Lagertha."

...

A Hero Comes Home- Beowulf

...

@heavenly1927 @didiintheblog @rastakami23

[fanfiction-blep]

Avengers group chat P6

Hey! I'm sorry this has taken me soooo long the last month has been hectic but I am gonna put some time aside each week to update the story. I was going to keep it to a simple text method but I'm going to try and do some first person bits just to develop the story and see where it goes. 😅❤

Masterlist here

(Y/N) felt ger phone virbarate frantically in her pocket. It wasn't the group chat she had muted it. But it was infact continued phone calls and text messages from her many extended family members. Unfortunately she had a problem with deflection and any situation which forces her to face things she would rather ignore well she runs. As quite simply shown earlier. A sign left her plump lips. She had been biting them out of anxiety. Her dad's were Tony freaking stark and Captin Steve Rogers. And they would find her soon and she would be sooo grounded and not able to see Peter which did not sit well with her at all. Then a particular noise caught her ear it was the star wars intro meaning that Peter had messaged her. Her delicate fingers slipped into the pocket of her chunky coat that fell well below her knees.

She started heading in the direction in the cafe where they had their first date. The rain that fell around her was light and spread out barely hitting her hair that is spread over her shoulders.

"(Y/N)" she heard him before she saw him. His sweet yet concerned tone. He knew why she had ran from her dads and all the other over protective family members. They cared about her they both knew that but they also knew that due to the trauma they had faced they often saw the worst in situations, but when it came to the idea of dating? Well that was just a dad thing, (Y/N) has two.

"Peter" a smile spread across her face as he pulled her to his chest, left hand around her waist right pushed into her hair and humming into her forehead. "You're acting like its been months since we've seen each other" she giggled.

"Well it's a boyfriends job to get worried. Especially when you run off in the middle of the night"

"Its barely 10pm" she snorted.

This time it was Peter's phone that began to ring. His hand reached into his pocket and fear quickly realised that It was in fact Aunt may calling him, not one or both of her protective fathers.

"Hey aunt may... yeah, i know...... he called you? Oh.. she's fine just a little upset.... yeah I know I know. I can't tell you right now but I will get her home safe and tell Mr stark she's fine.... love you too. Yeah I know I'm grounded"

Panick had set in a fresh.

"I'm so sorry that I got you in trouble" Peter looked down at her and smiled.

"You didn't aunt may was just a little upset that I had lied to her about us is all" he placed his arm over her shoulders, and at that moment both teens noticed a flash in the corner of their eyes. To the right something had made a rather quick jump across a building and landed perfectly. No doubt one or both of her fathers. But she was not about the have a public confrontation and gripped Peter's hand tighter.

"Can we just go somewhere quite?" She looked up at Peter, they hadn't moved from the spot thet met in and the soft glow from the cafe spread across Peter's face.

"The cafe is still open?" The side of his lip pulled up ever so slightly "we could just cuddle in the back?"

They entered the building almost with fear, as they were both very aware of the growing amount of eyes watching them from a afar. The shop appeared small from the outside however you enter and you find three addition rooms besides the main entrance. The destination Peter had spoken of was filled with cushioned and layered couches and bean bags accompanied by coffee tables.

Peter and (Y/N) made their way to their favourite couch and sat down with relief. This was their safe place, their date and study hotspot sometimes both.

[cursiveblob]

(Pentel touch pen/sign pen, on ivory paper)

With myself, I often got confused with laziness and anxiety a lot (because I do feel both of them in abundance). At the end of the day though, it's just easier for me to blame things around me since I had no control over it. Which is just sooo lazy, as I often realize afterwards.

So here I am, fighting off either of them or both. Trying to. Now I'm making my own blog, which I have to fill with stuff I love to make (currently, it's calligraphy).

One messy piece of paper full of mistakes is better than... pristine white paper.

[ranawaytothedas]

slightly emotional venting...

I put the actual post below a cut if you want to avoid the emotional word vomit...

(TLDR - My anxiety over potential backlash for Maeve has caused my writing to slow and my anxiety over posting to increase because she is so much of a self-insert and I deal with a lot of my personal trauma with her...thus making her “problematic” in some people’s eyes. We also just need to generally be better to each other in the fandom... just a lot me rambling and spewing emotions...)

You know what’s frustrating when you want to put out new content but you are also in the middle of evolving your writing style and learning digital painting.. so you don’t have anything that you can/want to share. I have a bunch of half-finished oneshots....a folder full of WIP.... but nothing like... substantial... not right now.

Since becoming part of this fandom, one... I just am way more critical of all my work because DA is not an active fandom. The handful of things I wrote in my old style haven't done well.. I know that likes and comments are not the purpose behind writing but it’s nice. So that just makes me think I must be a shit writer... maybe I am... IDK.. but it’s forcing me to change the way I write to try and see... if I am a shitty writer. I have never doubted my ability to write fic...till now....

The second big factor is that has somehow, after 20 odd years of active fandom participation, I am actually scared to post stuff... I am scared for people to read my writing. I have lived a rather...shit... life... not looking for sympathy but it’s just a matter of fact. A lot of my trauma comes up in my fics (points to her AO3). This means I often write things that people could deem problematic. I make no secret of the fact Maeve is very self-inserty... Poly-Bi, snarky and deflects all real emotions with humor, has a soft spot for the unwanted creatures of the world, with a mischevious and sassy male cat <.<., that falls in love with a guy she has known most of her life and was like a brother for a time (this is actually how I ended up with my husband IRL), with a narcissistic control-freak mother who wants to impose her will upon her child... like guys... *gestures wildly* that is basically me... yes things are different but there is reason Maeve has such depth because I put sooo much of myself in her... She is fairly unique among DA OCs, at least through my digging and the pride I have in creating her and doing all this stuff for her is immense... like SO MUCH pride. I love each person that engages in Maeve’s content because like that engagement is validation for the countless hours I (and cornfedcryptid) have put in fleshing Maeve out (and she is still isn’t 100% there) and also because there is so much me in her... maybe I do take things a little more to heart with Maeve but... like I don’t know if I can express how much this character I created has come to mean to me...

So that fear of people reading her story and saying “Well... this is problematic. for all these reasons..” And then come at me is SO real. I has me actually terrified to do anything. I am not saying that I have had anything but fairly decent interactions with the fandom. Even the few times I have put my foot in my mouth or said something that was/could have been taken the wrong way... things were fairly civil. I am a grown-up and know that yes, I still have growth to do as a person... At 31 almost 32... I still have more to learn... but I just want to write my fic and be in my happy bubble of trash...

One reason I am so excited about all these little “fandom positive” things that are popping up lately is that it reminds me of the communities I was in back in the days of LJ and early tumblr... when people got excited over their friends and fellow fans creations... like some young people may have missed this but it used to be... amazing and I still am real friends with some of the people I met through these types of events. 

The modern world is a lonely, hate-filled, tragic place... I do all I can to make my corner of it less so...I retreat to the internet to find people who have the same interests as me because my life doesn’t afford me the ability to have a social life in the “normal” way... It doesn’t... I love my son, I would die happily for him... but he takes up so much of my attention, time and life... No regrets but it is what it is... I am home all day watching Paw Patrol and Super Monsters, doing laundry or cleaning.... It’s not some grand life... my grand life comes from being able to write fanfic...do art and make friends who enjoy doing the same...

I am really lucky to have made the friends that I have in this fandom, I meet amazing and lovely people... but I have seen a lot of really not nice things in my short time.. like these little events like the Awards and stuff like that can have consequences at times... I know this. I lived through LJ I KNOW THIS, but I also know that the intent behind these types of things are usually genuine and come from a place of wanting people to feel validated by their peers. 

I get people may be overlooked, I am one of them, but I also like to think I am self-aware enough to know that just because I may be overlooked because Maeve isn’t popular, my fear of potential backlash has slowed my writing to GRRM like pace so she has little actual content other than HC, a few drabbles and some art I did and really lovely commissions...that other people who even if they are “popular” don’t also want/crave/enjoy the validation that comes from people say... yes... I LIKE YOU... I LIKE WHAT YOU DO... here is the made up award that says WE LIKE YOU...  

I guess my point is... we need to be better to each other... I get why people don’t want to be nominated but it also is a sweet idea at it’s core... and we need to make this fandom a place (even a small corner of it) someplace where people aren’t petrified to post their fics... because feeling like this honestly sucks fucking ass...