#I am autistic btw - that’s why the sensory issues

[puppmeo]

Got a new stp today (this is my third one now) and oh my god . Instant euphoria . Love it. Literally my best purchase ever i do NPT regret this

[neclearsapphilleanlover]

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New flag

This reminds of the saying “if you thought of it, it’s probably been thought of before…”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting to hang out with my autistic brother?

For context, I (Minor) am also autistic and have EXTREME sensory issues and am very empathetic. My brother (20M) is non-verbal, has very loud stims, and has meltdowns. Not very frequently, but a year or two ago he had them at least once every few months.

Also another note, he is incapable of living by himself and will never move out of our parents house. He is almost in every way dependent on our parents.

AKA I am a lot more “””””high-functioning””””” than him. I hate that term but we are on almost totally different sides of the spectrum basically.

BTW when I say I don’t want to hang out with him, I’m not saying I whine and complain about it to everyone in the general vicinity. ((I have never told anybody about this and keep it to myself.)) But instead I mean that what happens is that I either try to do my best to ignore him or I quietly leave the room.

The first and main reason why I don’t want to hang out with him is that he has extremely loud stims that do not go well with my sensory issues at ALL. He makes loud vocal stims and runs or walks around the area. He usually does this outside or in his room (because he likes to be alone), but whenever he’s in the main room of our house he’ll do it then too.

And our main room is almost always very loud already, which is unavoidable considering 4-6 of us are in the house at a time, plus the house is echoey. (I could be in my room with a closed door and fan all the way on and could still hear people in the main room)

I have already tried to combat this problem with wearing ear plugs, but it just doesn’t work out. 

I don’t want him to stop stimming, I just cannot deal with the loudness. Whenever he is downstairs I usually go back to my room, turn my fan on all the way, and listen to music to avoid it.

The second reason is that when he has meltdowns, he’s even louder (screams/yells) and is “”aggressive”” (he doesn’t have any bad intent he just runs, flips our parents off, punch, kick, etc) usually our parents are able to control the situation, but there have been times in the past where he has harmed me during these meltdowns. I don’t hate him for it at all. But it has installed a fear in me about being around him during/after his meltdowns. 

And for the record, he isn’t a small guy. He’s 6’ft, and at least 40 pounds heavier than me. I am 5’7ft and barely 100 pounds.

And even if this part wasn’t true I still get VERY stressed by his stims + emotions.

I don’t hate him or want him to stop stimming, I just cannot hang out in the same room with him without having sensory overload, being stressed, or sometimes being scared.

I’m probably leaving out some details but. AITA for not wanting to hang out with my autistic brother?

(could you tag this as 1️⃣ so i can find it easier, please?)

What are these acronyms?

[riverofrainbows]

Lately I'm hearing a lot about PDA and autism (PDA = pathological demand avoidance) and it's very good that people become more aware of it and are able to learn more about their own needs. However i often see it framed as like a type of autism, as in PDA autism that's just this thing that happens randomly.

But it isn't just a flavour of autism or something that comes from who-knows-what, it's a trauma response. To having forced yourself to do so much shit that goes against your needs, to feeling like you have to/having to force yourself to do things that go over your capacity, that disregard your needs and do harm to you. Including things where people don't even know their own needs and can't communicate them.

It's a trauma response caused by a lack of autonomy and accommodations (from yourself for whatever reason and your environment). To the point where having to do anything, hearing any demand causes this message of doom to your nervous system

And there is a very simple but not easy solution to it, with the potential of even a cure: Do not force yourself to do anything until your nervous system has healed. Now this is very hard to be able to do, which is the difficult part, because most of us aren't in an environment where we can do that, often have to work etc to survive and don't have people support us for a few years while we do not acquiesce to any demand. Additionally, many of us don't even know how to honor our needs because we trampled all over them for years, were forced to mask them and might not even know what they are or how to recognise them in ourselves.

A possible way to at least some healing of our nervous system is getting to know our needs and working on meeting them better, to try and build down the mask and only conciously use it where necessary but for example not at home or in a safe space, and try to have as many safe spaces to unmask as possible. You might only be able to start while completely alone but even that helps. Another point is decomposition time, soup time as i call it. Where we take however much time we have available, preferably at least a couple days, whenever we can, and do not force ourselves to do anything, even hobbies or getting out of pyjamas, except staying alive, and just drift like driftwood. This also massively helps with autistic burnout.

One additional tipp to recognising our suppressed needs and wants is that when you think "Oh i want this" but immediately shut yourself down: try to recognise this happening and ask yourself "Why can't i do this?" and if you don't have a good reason why not, try doing the thing you want. Might be something as simple as a juice packet or be some leftover rule from childhood. Similar for "I don't look forward to that": if you don't have a reason why you have to do it, and do it exactly this way, consider not doing it. For example you don't have to go to an outing you are very uncomfortable at. You don't have to do the dishes a certain way even tho it's awful sensory wise. Try finding those small impulses and listening to them. It gets easier over time.

This PDA trauma response is also one of the factors of executive dysfunction. Especially for things like when we can't even do our own hobbies or plans we had that we enjoy. Other reasons for executive dysfunction are difficulty transition tasks, sensory issues that make us avoid a task, pending decisions related to the tasks, unknown elements of a task, or not wanting to interrupt the current activity such as listening to music or watching a show (especially since these are big tools for escapism and distraction/coping to keep emotional distress at bay or otherwise aid in emotional regulation).

Btw this whole essay is built on my own experiences, i am not a psychologist or professionally qualified in some other way. So do take this with some critical thinking as my sources are "it's in my head" and we should never take (mental) health advice on the internet without thinking about whether it makes sense and applies to us, and do additional research if any questions or doubts or further thoughts come up.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hi Rachel,

In some of my writing I’m beginning to notice more and more that certain characters (not all) remind me of myself lol. And I hate it, I go back and rewrite them. But I’m interested if you relate to any of your characters as well so—Out of the characters you’ve written (Lonan, Reeve, Harrison, etc..) who do you think is the most like you? And what’s your take on writers seeing themselves in some of their characters?

feel about seeing reflections

Hahaha I used to HATE writing characters that were like me, and it took a while to realize that actually, they ALL are me in some iteration. To answer your question about writers seeing themselves in their characters—if writing characters that are “self-inserts” makes you joyful, DO IT!!! If writing characters who aren’t self-inserts but have attributes to you makes you joyful, DO IT! Or if you’re not into it—that’s fine too! Life is too short! Have fun with what works for you!

My experience below, this gets kind of intense as a warning! CW: suicidal ideation, disocciation

Aligning myself with my characters has been an intensely life-saving experience. I’m not sure I’d be here if it were not for Lonan… 16-year-old Rachel WAS him, and also needed him because literally nobody else “understood” where I was at except for him (undiagnosed autism for BOTH OF US??).

There was a time of my life where I couldn’t emotionally regulate at all, and in moments of stress, would often dissociate and quite literally converse with this man (looking back now, this was just a coping mechanism—confirmed by my doctor btw!—but for a couple years he was a genuine part of my psyche, like moved out of just character territory). I think I talked about this years ago, but I have a really distinct memory of disconnecting so much I quite literally thought he was THERE next to me, which I needed—he really became an externalization of the things I couldn’t deal with (or didn’t understand how to deal with). I needed to see myself reflected in the eye of someone else and for a really long time that was Lonan for me. Actually screaming crying that’s so cute.

And Lonan is similar to me in a lot of ways! This is a side tangent but when I was first diagnosed as autistic it made me wonder if I’d inadvertently written any autistic characters & it struck me way back then that the person most similar to me (Lonan lol) is probably also autistic. I was like—sensory issues?? No emotional regulation?? Speaks a bit oddly?? We are THE SAME. Haven’t really confirmed this in canon lol but I’ve been thinking about it since 2021.

Funnily, now that I have that diagnosis, my life is a lot more stable so like… I’m not currently the most like Lonan lol. But me at 16-19??? Absolutely him.

Unfortunately, I am currently HARRISON, which isn’t ideal but just like he’s a 21-year-old experiencing horrors I’m a 21-year-old experiencing horrors (which is why BB is sometimes painful to write cuz I’m like oooooh I’m feeling this… too much). To be fair, I’ve always said I’m the introverted version of Harrison (because I am lol our personality types are the same, not that I believe in those but since I was like 13 I’ve said this). But just like Lonan, Harrison has helped me now process some tough things this year that I’m not sure how else I would’ve survived. It’s important to me that I have fictional vessels to explore my own life with because it can help me identify problems & then learn to empathize with myself by empathizing with a character first.

Of course they’re also separate from me—they absolutely didn’t start as ME but as time goes on I start seeing myself in them particularly (Reeve sometimes too—our kindred spirits with processing toxic relationships <3). Maybe it’s because I am autistic, but I find it useful to understand my experiences via someone else. I love seeing the ways we can inform each other.

My TL;DR is I’m Harrison if he was Lonan so I guess I’m BB Harrison. Love this for me so much. But also add autism. Which is probably already there because: Lonan. LMAO and a dash of Reeve’s compartmentalization skills. And we have me!

[plutodile]

where’s that post that’s like.god i’m so embarrassed writing this out this feels like the sjw version of writing a greentext post but it’s like this

[transmasc-wizard]

Writing Autistic Emotions: Grief

hello hi greetings to all the allistic writers with autistic characters who have stumbled upon this post! I've decided to start a series of posts that talk about autism and emotions, specifically in regards to how your autistic characters may experience/process/show their feelings.

You already know (I hope, anyway) that autistic people tend to express our emotions in a different way to our allistic counterparts. This post in particular will encompass something I'm sure all you evil evil (affectionate) writers are inflicting upon your characters, including your autistic ones: grief.

Autistic grief is not like neurotypical grief. (That's a link to a great article, btw.) Autistic people are not going to process grief like allistics, and showing this with your characters can give extra accuracy.

Essentially, autistic people often do not do the whole "feel your emotions strongly, cry your eyes out, want to be around people and share in your struggles, are really sad and upset" thing. That's just not how a lot of us tick.

For instance, I lost a family member in 2020. Everyone around me was crying, talking about how they missed her/telling stories about her, constantly thinking of her, throwing themselves into funeral plans, etc. I... cried twice.

Once a few hours after I found out about it, and then once months and months later when it actually hit me. I didn't want to talk to people about her, I didn't know what I was feeling (that is called alexithymia and is common in autistics), and I didn't understand everyone's need to dwell on her. As my low-empathy and high-alexithymia brain processed it, I came to the conclusion that crying & socializing was exhausting and it did not bring her back. However, I was also often tired, frustrated, and irritable during that time--that was my grief.

Autistic grief may look like:

seeming to not be grieving at all, only to have the emotions hit several months later

seeming to be ignoring the source of grief/unbothered by it

having most of the distress stem from everyone dwelling on the source of grief and making us be involved, instead of the source itself

increased meltdowns and/or shutdowns

increased sensory sensitivity/sensory issues

difficulty understanding why everyone is taking so long to grieve and crying so much (especially if we're in the first bullet point, aka not processing until long after everyone else is done)

feeling really really intensely, especially in regards to anger. This is the opposite end of what I am, so I won't touch too heavily on that, but autistic emotions can 100% be extreme

having difficulty describing their grief beyond "It feels bad"

not even realizing we're grieving, but having high exhaustion and stress levels that signal we definitely are

less energy for socializing and communicating; isolating themselves

difficulty with everyday tasks

lowered verbality (a semi-verbal autistic being nearly nonverbal, a usually verbal autistic talking much less or having much more difficulty with it, etc)

throwing ourselves into our Special Interests to an even higher degree as a way to cope (we already use them to cope in everyday life, after all)

using our self-soothing stims a lot more (i.e. i rock when under stress; grieving may have people noticing a lot more rocking from me)

TLDR: autistic people's experiences of grief often manifest in us becoming more "visibly autistic", having difficulty with our emotions/increased alexithymia, exhaustion, and in general not grieving in the "typical" way.

I'm not saying autistics ALWAYS grieve like this (we're not a monolith) and I'm not saying NTs can't also have this way of grieving, but these are just some aspects of grief that autistic people often experience that you can give to your autistic characters. Other autistic people feel free to add on & allistics feel free to rb!

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[homo-sex-shoe-whale]

hey since you’re autistic do you ever have sensory issues while you’re out since you seem to party a lot and they’re rather busy environments? (this isn’t incriminating you of faking btw, i’m autistic too and just like to hear other people’s experiences)

I don't tend to party a lot, but yeah, it can happen. Mainly with touch. Touch is the most sensitive of my senses along with my hearing, but because music drowns out everything else, it's just a single sound for me to focus on. I don't like rave style parties because there's lots of people touching me. I avoid very crowded parties.

This is why I LOVE emo parties. Not only am I very into the music, but the people there are SUPER respectful. When an emo guy flirts with me and I turn him down explaining that I'm a lesbian, I NEVER get a reply that isn't along the lines of "omg I'm so sorry! Have a good night!" And then the guy stays completely clear from me. Emos are such cool people, and there's a huge queer crowd at emo parties too.

The guy that organises the emo parties I go to sets up anti harassment tactics at his parties, so I feel really safe regarding my sense of touch there.

I don't really like just going to random clubs. I'm very selective with the parties I go to. It's always emo/punk parties or queer parties.

[darthplagueis13]

Writing reminder

Handicaps, disabilities and weaknesses.

These can be a difficult topic to approach because there’s a danger of letting those traits dominate a character. At the same time, you put them in there for a reason, so you don’t wanna downplay them either, weaknesses are after all a way of balancing out a character.

I think it is important to distinguish between two categories here and how they are to be approached:

1: Physical limitations. This can be all sorts of things, ranging from injuries and disabilities and genetic conditions all the way to entirely contextual issues such as belonging to a group that is disadvantaged in society. Usually, the way to write around these limitations to let characters find an alternative method around it. That you cannot achieve something through the same methods as others doesn’t mean you can never achieve it whatsoever. Take Mulan for instance (the cartoon animation, not the live action remake or the original legend): She is disadvantaged in that she’s not as strong as the others, hasn’t had the same amount of time to train and prepare as the others and she’s having to keep her identity a secret. Eventually, she manages to bridge the gap and catch up, but not before she achieves something that the others couldn’t - notably because unlike the others she had no reason to be overconfident in her strength and had to actually think about the task and obstacle at hand which allowed her to find a different approach and use what appeared as a limitation (the weights) as an advantage (a climbing aid). This is also, why the life action remake is horrible, btw. “Have super powers” is not helpful advice to someone who faces seemingly unfair odds. There is often more than one way to overcome an obstacles and sometimes it takes someone who cannot rely on the obvious solution to find a better one.

So, if you want to write physical limitations, be careful to not make your characters sorry losers who would rather give up and blame everything on their limitation and be careful to not make Mary Sues who acknowledge their supposed weakness once in the prologue, proceed to say “Oh no... anyways” and move on, never to be bothered by them again.

2: Mental limitations. By this, I do not mean just mental conditions like maybe an autist character suffering from sensory overload and having breakdowns. Those are still physical limitations, even though they originate in the characters mind. I am talking about bona-fide character flaws. Not being able to trust others, lack of confidence, overconfidence, obsession with having a situation under control, lack of consideration for the feelings of others, self-loathing, irrational prejudice against certain people, the list goes on and on... It’s a whole treasure trove of traits that help flesh out a fictional character just as much as they contribute to the personality of real people. They are the kind of spice that makes your stories come to life. Alas, they too can and will hold a character back and thus need to be addressed. And unlike physical limitations which can sometimes be solved through a simple Eureka! moment when your character realizes what they need to do, mental limitations can only be addressed in a proper character arc. This in turn has several mandatory steps to it which cannot be rushed: 1: The character becoming aware of the flaw. 2: The character recognizing that the flaw is holding them back or hurting themselves or others. 3: Feeling out the origin of the flaw, finding the conflict that created it (and optionally, resolving it). 4: A final moment of triumph when the flaw is overcome. These steps are neccessary, though their structure is not neccessarily rigid. 

Interestingly, Mulan also works for this, but it’s being a bit cheeky.

1: Mulan does not know how to act like a man

2: Mulan tries to act like a man and keeps on failing and being humiliated during her military training

3: Mulan comes to realize that she cannot solve her issues by acting like a man because she is not a man. She understands that she has to approach issues as herself if she wants to solve them.

4: Mulan starts approaching issues more like Mulan would and as a result finds success. 

The cheeky thing about the Mulan arc is of course that Mulan’s flaw is not that she isn’t a man. Her flaw is that she believes that she has to be one. Can’t really blame her, because that’s what everyone in the camp is telling her and so it is only when she’s told that she cannot be a man that she realizes that she doesn’t have to be, that she has been chasing after a red herring all along. She wants to be a soldier and though at the time people wouldn’t have imagined it, it doesn’t take a man to be a soldier if you have the commitment, determination and the ability to think of solutions for problems that cannot be achieved through brute force alone.

Probably shouldn’t have made that example because it derailed my entire point a little, but what I’m trying to say is, don’t try to root out character flaws through some kind of quick fix. A characters journey from a flawed, troubled state to a stronger, more positive and healthy self is incredibly satisfying to read if done well. Don’t deprive yourself, your characters or your readers of that pleasure. Be patient and give your characters the time and experience they require to change.

[soryualeksi]

Sigh. As brilliant as my therapist is with literally ANY other topic, it's exactly as useless to try to get into neurodivergence issues with her as with 90% of other, even otherwise well-meaning neurotypicals.

"But why are you making your ADHD out to be this huge part of your personality?"

Ma'am, it's because it literally influences how my brain thinks and functions on the most fundamental level and ALL my issues that don't come directly from the horrific parental abuse I suffered as a child are founded in it.

"But why are you already worrying that your son will have the same issues as you? Aren't you projecting?"

Ma'am, we cannot put up the laundry with green pins if we didn't already use up every single red pin yet. The pins have to be organized by colour. Ma'am, the wooden blocks have to be organized by colour, too, and we cannot (usually) build a house out of yellow AND green blocks.

When I was in second grade, my math teacher brought a pair of sparkling devil's horns for me to put on my head when I had emotional "outbursts" (aka I was frustrated, desperate and overstimulated and thus reacted stubborn). At times, the adults in my life bullied me worse than my peers because I was being "too emotional" and "weird". Ma'am, can you at least UNDERSTAND on a hypothetical level that the prospect of my only son facing this kind of torment would make me anxious?

"But you don't KNOW that he's going to be bullied like you. You can't see the future and yet you're already expecting the worst."

MA'AM OUR SOCIETY IS DEEPLY ABLEIST AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU

Sigh.

...

I do take solace in the stories of autistic parents with autistic children who can make it work, who can protect their children. But it's so hard fearing for the worst and it's like. Nobody UNDERSTANDS. "Why are you projecting onto the kid?" My father, my brother and I all have full-blown ADHD. My sisters show at least SOME form of sensory issues (don't tell me it's " uwu normal" to completely lose it over accidentally touching peach skin, it is not). There is no way in hell my oldest niece is neurotypical.

THE ONLY DAMN PEOPLE "PROJECTING" HERE ARE THE NEUROTYPICALS WHO WANT TO PRETEND THAT ADHD AND ASD ARE THIS HORRIBLE CURSE OF PURE SUFFERING THAT AFFLICTS PEOPLE WITH THE PROBABILITY OF A LIGHTING STRIKE AT BEST

"Why don't you try to see a positive side to it then?"

I SEE THE "POSITIVE SIDE" ALL THE TIME BECAUSE IT IS ALL THERE IN MY FACE

YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME

MY ISSUE IS THAT *OTHERS* COULD TREAT HIM BADLY BECAUSE *THEY* WON'T ACCEPT HIM AS HE IS

...

Sigh. It cannot POSSIBLY be that hard to understand. But here we are.

And they say *I* am bad at understanding what people are trying to communicate to me.

(Obvious disclaimer: And no, I don't KNOW with certainty that he's got ADHD. He's 2. But the small signs are adding up and up. In a million ways, he's acting and reacting EXACTLY like I would, approaching problems like I would, coming to conclusions just. like. I. would. And when my husband cannot follow his thought process, I can lie it out for him perfectly because it is CLEAR to me. And yes, only time can tell. But NO, it is NOT "pathologizing" my kid if I'm keeping an eye out for these things so I can jump in to help IN CASE there are issues.)

Btw, we compromised in so far that I promised to ~focus more on the good sides~, such as that he's a very neat and clean toddler who tidies up behind himself (as much as he is able to at his age *lol*). Which is of course bullshit I made up on the spot, because DUH, yes, I KNEW THIS ALREADY. Do you know how convenient it is when your toddler insists on cleaning up his messes and keeping his toys in order and REMINDING YOU IF YOU FORGOT MINOR DETAILS IN ROUTINES. It's so endlessly convenient. You have no idea. There is no downside. AND I WAS ALREADY AWARE OF THAT AND IT ISN'T MY *ISSUE*

... This got longer than intended. Eh.

[vorcotec]

aidestown brainstorming:

like i said in the initial ramble it’s not that i think aides is incapable of wrongdoing, just that her perspective is going to be different, and how she justifies wrongdoing will be different.

her issue is not about buying, as such, persephone or eurydice and wanting them or any other woman to feel obligated and grateful to her; and, again, she doesn’t have the patriarch’s desire to amass material things as a replacement for an ability to create. money is essentially meaningless to her, always has been.

her issue is about protection and control, specifically. i’ve spoken in the past about how aides, as a character, is much more defined by trauma than any other version of jane, and how obsessive she is about controlling herself and her environment because of the initial shock and devastation of regurgitation and her early, repeated, deeply harmful exposure to stimulation she couldn’t endure. that’s why Classic Aides is covered from head to foot in a Noise Cancelling Weighted Sensory Blanket Cloak that keeps everything and everyone OUT and away from herself at all times.

this isn’t to imply that she doesn’t need her accommodations in that respect, that her sensory experiences aren’t real, but that she compensates for them the way she does because of how much it hurt, because no one protected her or knew she needed protection at first. so she had to do it herself and do it Muchly.

this is also why aides doesn’t have casual sex btw 😂 and why she couldn’t have that “casting couch”/affair subtext with eurydice even if she tried. she can’t let people close because she typically assumes she can’t trust them to touch her or even be touched by her.

off the top of my head, here are some things that have different valences, meanings, weights, etc. given the differences between aides and hades:

the paternalistic dimensions of the role vanish, given that aides is a woman and would be a mother to “my children, my children,” not a father. this isn’t to say that she isn’t controlling and harmful to them, but that, again, it’s a different motivation and justification for that control.

also, yes, she is masculine in appearance, but i’ve spoken before about why i don’t see jane as a character as “masc” or “butch” or even really “futch” and how i am very leery about playing into ideas of autism as “extreme male brain” by essentially denying jane her gender/maternity on the basis of her not liking makeup. so yes, she is a mother, not a father to “her children.”

more emphasis on the wall that surrounds aidestown, its protection and shield, and how no one gets in or out; less emphasis on the “golden scale” and the “chromium throne.“ more emphasis on owning people and less on owning things, and how when you’re in the house of aides, under her wing, you will never leave again.

“hey little songbird” loses its, uh, old man in a strip club looking for his next sugar baby vibe

she does NOT have the following lines in chant II: Take it from a man no longer young If you want to hold a woman, son Hang a chain around her throat Made of many carat gold Shackle her from wrist to wrist With sterling silver bracelets Fill her pockets full of stones Precious ones, diamonds, Bind her with a golden band Take it from an old man like... not to belabor the point but this is one of the show’s nods at gender relations and misogyny and it’s just not aides.

also, this is maybe more of a personal interpretation/aside, but given the STRONG subtext (at the very least, in r/eeve c/arney’s performance) that orpheus is autistic, he and aides are even stronger parallels than the ones already in the show between him and hades.

some other little things that are just nitpicky bits that come to me when i think about aidestown:

hades makes his first intra-narrative appearance in sunglasses. aides’ sunglasses are these weird steampunky doodads, because i reject hades’ wannabe-leatherdaddy vibes. 

obviously this is not something that could be reflected on a stage, but aides never walks into or out of a room(/on or off the stage). she just disappears and reappears.

hades wears silver snakeskin sleeve garters. aides’ are gold. where he has a silver shirt and silver pinstripes on his suit, hers are white. he wears a vest with a red back, but hers has a purple back.

she wears a spider brooch on the lapel of her suit jacket.

hades has a brick wall tattoo sleeve on his left forearm. aides has a floral vine tattoo sleeve instead.

what’s disturbing about aidestown is that it’s silent and you can’t hear any of the activity or people if you’re not immediately in the middle of it. it’s not just like... depressing, gloomy, and exploited; it’s a very creepy place to be.

[noussommeslessquelettes]

hey hey i have a question abt adhd/autism if that's okay. I've been told by a therapist that i have adhd and I've looked at posts and online sources and so far it fits but there's something abt it that's missing/not enough. every time i look at sources and online posts for autism it fits me more (and explains my sensory sensitivities much better) should i look into this? or is that up to me? (thanks btw)

ADHD is highly comorbid with other NDs so it wouldn’t surprise me if you had both. My current therapist told me that it’s very common for people who have milder autism to either be misdiagnosed with ADHD, or for their ADHD diagnosis to be caught while their autism diagnosis is missed (I was a case of the latter, being diagnosed with ADHD for as long as I can remember but only being told I have autism at 20.) My autism only got caught by my third therapist, and even he said he was dubious at first because I can emulate neurotypical social behaviours fairly well according to him. I believe this occurs a lot more with DFAB aspies bc social norms are drilled into us a lot more diligently than to DMAB aspies, which I think there’s been studies on for ADHD that say this is the case and produces a lot more undiagnosed DFAB/female-read aspies. Not sure what ur gender/AGAB is, but if ur like me that might also be a factor.

The reason my therapist suggested autism for me was because of my anxieties surrounding change. When people think autism, they often look only for the social aspect, but we looked into the other aspects of ASD (difficulty with change, sensory issues, and the overlapping aspects with ADHD of course) and felt it was a good fit for me. In the end, he asked if I thought the ADHD was a misdiagnosis after all, but with my hyperactivity and how much my medication helps me I told him I think I have both.

Of course, what you do next is up to you; whether or not you want to go back to that therapist and discuss autism as a possibility is your choice. I would suggest, if you do that, to have a few supportive points in mind when you go to them (I was lucky that my therapist focuses on child psychology so he’s familiar with cases of autism, but ur therapist might not be so well-versed in it so it might not be a decision y’all can bang out in one session.) You can start it as “so I was looking into autism and I feel like some of it might apply to me. For example, I often have difficulties with certain textures of food, which is impacting my ability to enjoy or even eat my food...” etc. etc. In my experience, therapists can tend to be problem-solvers (like if you go to a physiotherapist, it’s because you have an injury that needs to heal, same sort of thing goes for a psychotherapist.) Presenting things as “I have this thing, and it causes me issues when x” helps them know what to do and how to help you. Don’t fabricate things, of course, but draw on real-life experience to let them know why this diagnosis will help u.

If you choose not to go to a professional about this, though, know that’s totally okay. There’s nothing wrong with self-diagnosis, if you don’t feel like it’s causing you issues that need to be dealt with. If you’re on medication for ADHD, though, and you feel that ADHD isn’t what you have (or you feel that the medication doesn’t help/is actually making your symptoms worse,) I would suggest discussing it with a healthcare professional. ADHD meds can be some serious shit, and if they’re not helping your symptoms it’s best to get taken off of them and try a different avenue of treatment. (disclaimer: I am NOT a healthcare professional, and do NOT go off your medications based on the advice of someone online. That is a decision you and your prescribing healthcare professional must make together!!!!!!)

TL;DR, the major points have been bolded for you because this is a lot of typing and I don’t wanna hurt ur poor face orbs. It sounds to me like you might be autistic--whether instead of ADHD or in addition to it. I hope this helps, and I wish you the best of luck! Feel free to send me another ask if you have any updates!

[butterflyinthewell]

I’m currently in that “period can start any minute” limbo and it’s come with a (sarcasm) absolutely delightful helping of brain fog (/sarcasm).

I could start it in ten minutes or in ten more days.

My emotions are starting to get wilder and my sensory issues are through the roof. I’m jumping at innocuous sounds like hearing my parents cough or Monroe (cat) scrambling by in a full on poofy-tail hyper kitty run. 

A little bit ago, I had an explosive meltdown because a tag in a pair of slippers made me feel like I had a splinter in my heel. My body decided pulling that slipper off and hurling it at the wall solved the problem. I used my ‘meltdown recovery’ energy up explaining the bang to my dad because, typical dad, he wouldn’t believe my truthful explanation with what language I could pull together at the time. Instead of calming down, I started building up into a slow burn meltdown. This is why I need time to recover after explosive meltdowns. 

Dad said I need to stop being so pathetic and handle my problems like a “normal person” instead of a baby. I told him I wasn’t a ‘normal person’ and he’s had 36 years to figure that out. He said I was sassing him and a smartass. I spat back that my ass is Einstein and it would’ve been funny if I wasn’t using whatever words I could get my mouth to say when I was losing speech. I was actually trying to say ‘my ass went to school’ and the Einstein thing came out instead. (I think it was the association my brain made with smart = Albert Einstein.)

Dad yelled at me and tipped me into another meltdown. I started crying-- more like loudly bawling-- and mom screamed at dad to leave me alone. He did, but not before giving me the disapproving look he always gives me when I’m not living up to his constantly changing and esoteric expectations of “normal”.

I cried for 45 minutes after he left my room. -_-; That was meltdown number 2.

I *just* now calmed down enough to finally cut the tag out of the slipper. All that bullshit for something that took 5 seconds to accomplish.

Being autistic isn’t all glittery sunshine and rainbow unicorn farts...sometimes it’s rage and tears. Key word: sometimes. Sometimes is not all the time.

I’m okay, just tired. I recognized dad’s behavior for what it is and I know the way he treated me wasn’t my fault. I’ve stopped shrinking when he tries to cross boundaries I set up-- I’ve gotten brave enough to jump up like the lion my zodiac says I am (Leo) and defend them. I hope other people dealing with emotional abuse find that strength, too.

Btw, it’s totally okay to think “My ass is Einstein!” is funny and it’s okay to laugh. I’m starting to giggle about it a little bit as I type this because in writing it’s so much more ridiculous than hearing myself screech it.