#I am about to fall asleep bc tired
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(OC Lore and design time!)
(it got longer again ... sorry ... idk how to make things short, i just need to talk, but i guess if you can read the written stuff in the pic thats the barest bare bones of what i wrote here)
i was asked what new lore story stuff i had thought about that made me sad which i mentioned a bit ago, and while that is too hard to explain given all the missing context i thought i could at least talk about lore having to do with it :D
so, (Lord) Eadrya is one of my fav OCs (big blue lad, here a rough sketch in humanoid form) they are both one of if not THE most powerful demon alive and the most battle trained;
at the mid point of the story the demon world gets invaded by the celestials (the angel inspired things i talked about in the previous lore post with Xaror) and Shargon, as the king, should be their first and only frontline, but at this point his life is only being sustained by maschinery after being mortally wounded, he cannot fight (he realizes what is going on, rips himself off the maschinery to get at least his youngest child to safety, barely managing it before dying- the guardian, the demons god, takes over his body to attempt to fight against the celestials but cant keep itself alive long enough since its host is already dead) Eadrya takes the role of the frontline fighter (despite being very full of themselves and aggressive they care about their 'job' of protecting their own, also giving them the chance to show off just how strong they are); the fight was going well for them all things considered, but when the guardian activates it drains the power of all elemental lords (which Eadrya is one of, and since they have the most strength it also takes the most from them), so much so that they lose the fight and suffer deadly wounds (the worst being a spear through the chest made of a material that grows hard, root-like formations when in contact with demonic blood like a fungus but worse, also stopping any self healing processes) after the guardian falls apart it creates a huge shockwave of energy that stuns every living thing within a certain distance and possibly more-
Eadrya (in true demon form, so like a blue whale in size at least) was likely taken through an active gateway to the human world in a large tidal wave also created by the guardians fall; they wash up in the harbor of a small secluded village, the head of which is 'lady 13'; although never having seen a demon before and everyone being afraid (largely thinking its a strange hurt animal, only she suspected otherwise), they still gather all villagers to pull out the celestial spear, which is diffcult and brutal given that its already taken root, but the village lacked both knowledge and means to help any other way- doing so damaged their heart which is how they were able to collect samples of all three demonic blood types ('normal' -red like humans-, energy -essentially purely magic- and heartblood -highly concentrated energy only found within the heart of a demon and the only one to contain genetic material) (this is the start of Eadryas character arc, having to deal with the fact that their world is likely destroyed, them failing what they didnt think they could fail, having lost a battle so badly (even if not really their fault) for the first time and not knowing if literally anyone else has survived .. also being now stuck in the human world, which they dont like)
Lady 13 (placeholder name? stands for experiment 13) is a human that was tricked by demon hunters to enroll into a series of experiments trying to create hybrids of demons and humans, which they hoped would be powerful and easily controllable tools for their endeavours, though the two are inherently not compatible, they tried grafting body parts of demons on humans to make them compatible- all experiments failed except for her, more or less, though she never got to see the hybrid she carried and was then told it had died too, they threw her out believing she wouldnt survive much longer either and all such experiments were cancelled due to the high cost of human life, research material (demons are still rare) and upkeep with no successful results Lady 13 survived though (perhaps even via the pirates picking her up?) and she ended up living in said small village far away, hiding her half demonic body, though most know there soemthing 'wrong' with her (her being this tall when it doesnt fit the rest for one), only few know the full extent; she enjoys the life she has now, perhaps on the more poor side but safer and more loved than ever before; she largely lead the efforts to try and help Eadrya when they ended up in the harbor, though there wasnt that much anyone could do it was still enough- they leave immediately after waking up, but return after really having nowhere to go and struggling to deal with everything that has happened; over time (probably years) they start to open up towards the people there (though not .. very much) enough to get rather close with Lady 13 too- she actually falls madly in love but after Eadrya (extremely aro/ace) rejects all her attempts quite clearly she respects their boundaries
However, after hearing news of potential demon sightings Eadrya decides to leave in hopes of not being the last demon left after all; Lady 13 then decides to reveal her secret to them (though hearing and seeing what lengths hunters would go to for their experiments makes them absolutely seething with rage- she insists on not being out for revenge) and asks if they would be willing to donate a small amount of heartblood; shes always wanted to be a mother but is now incompatible with humans too- through things she picked up back at the experiments facillity, hers and her doctors research she is sure that is all that is needed, she dares to ask since she does not know when, if ever, she will meet another demon, much less one she could actually trust enough for this though Eadrya hesitates (why would she want to go through the same thing again that didnt work and threatened her life, if it does work, do they want to be involved with any of this? what if hunters find out it worked after all?) but after her ensuring that they would have no part in it other than giving up a little blood and would not be considered a parent in any way, nor made responsible for anything that might happen to her, but considering it all in the end they agree to it
only for her to reveal shes had a small bottle of it already, along with multiple samples of the other types, which she collected when Eadrya was bleeding out into the harbor not knowing if they will survive, though not wanting to make use of it without their consent either way (they are actuallly rather touched by this)
alot later the main group returns here and it turns out to have worked (though she is unable to walk/bedridden for a long while bc it did alot of damage to her body, which can heal since its demons parts, but only really slowly bc she does not have a full functioning system and no demonic blood of her own -she uses the other samples for the healing process-) though its a little awkward to explain, especially considering that 13.1 took alot after Eadrya xD (their theory as to why it worked so "well" that time is that even though the sample was already taken, them giving their consent for it still made it less likely to be rejected; demons dont need partners to have offspring, and all can do it, they just have to decide to- so them agreeing to it, even though its long been outside their body, still had an effect on the blood sample)
#ganondoodles#art#ocs#original art#oc lore#demons#monsters#WHY does writing things liek this take me so long#i spent two hours again on this and im falling asleep as we speak bc its almost 2 am#ANYWAY this was alot again ... sorry#but its a relatively new storyline that i have been afraid of telling#since it touches on things im afraid might come across wrong and uses themes im a lil uncomfy with#but i found it interesting ... and works well with eadrya as a character bc it challenges alot about them#yes im wrote and mean this genuinely#i would have made the cut from her human body to the demon parts more smooth ... but this hard cut is the point#so that she looks rather normal on the upper part and can hide the rest#thoguh im unsure about the color scheme and if maybe i should be more creative with the demons parts#then again its largely just legs lol#if anyone actually reads this ........ i hope it comes across correctly#i like to use darker and more mature themes but am riddled with anxiety over how it will be understood#im gonna work on zelda comic stuff again now .. sorry for all the oc spam#but if there are questions PLEASE feel free to ask im pretty sure i have answers to almosst anything?#also i havent thought of a name for her or the kid .. though im starting to like lady 13#13.1 wont do as a name though poor kid deserves a proper name after already being a weird hybrid that shouldnt exist#either way ... going to bed now GOODNIGHT q-q#(any typos are excused by me being deadly tired ok)
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i used to freehand comics all the time as a child and since the part i liked was the drawing part i would just draw panel after panel because i didn't want to stop drawing to think about icky icky words, plus the story TOTALLY still made perfect sense! to me! and noone else, but 'whoooo caaaaares omgggg its not like comics and sequantial art are a communicative meeediummmm lmaoooooo'. i spent my entire childhood telling myself stuff like "oh pfft I know this story by heart- ill SIMPLY remember the dialogue and write it later" ...and. I can't help but admire baby maiora's (call that a minora ba tm tsk) fucking audacity? hubris? confident wrongness? kid couldn't even remember to finish the comics in the first place? INCREDIBLE levels of unearned self assurance, wish that were me, genuinely- what an icon!!! anyway i think i have forever cursed myself
#maiora garrulates#the maiora overthinks the process of writing dialogue saga continues!!!!!!!#im so tired. i have been overthinking this shit in circles i have not been making any progress in any which way lmao!#im bitching and moaning for funsies this is not that serious in the Grand Scheme Of Things i just wanna improve at my fav thing#and ❤️ Unfortunately ❤️ my favorite thing in the world involves learning MY MOST HATED *NEMESIS*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! verbal communication. ew#words are fun! i LOVE words! toys!!!!! im using words right now and i didn't combust!!!!! wow look at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#putting words in SEQUENCE? multiple times?? filtering THOUGHTS into SENTENCES???? sentences that a character would or wouldn't SAY???#AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER SOMETIMES???? AND THAT BITCH ALSO HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS????? AND THEY ALL HAVE PERSONAL IDIOLECTS#AND TONES THAT S U P P O S E D L Y ARE IMPLICATED BY MANNERISMS AND VERBAL HABITS AND CIRCUMSTANCES (AND THERE'S WRONG ANSWERS! ALSO!!)#AND THEY'RE IN A CONTEXT!! AND THEY'RE INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER AND INFLUENCING EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE CONVERSATION COULD VARY GIVEN ENERGY LEVELS WHETER OR NOT SOMEONE'S FOOT IS FALLING ASLEEP THE F U C K I N G WEATHER#“oh dialogue is easy just say it out loud to yourself until it 'sounds normal' ^^”#screaming crying throwing up NONE OF THIS IS INTUITIVE TO MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!#ok dramatics over its out of my system! for now!!!#this is all easily explained bc i just. draw a lot more than i talk to people. so like. OBVIOUSLY i have more practice drawing#so drawing comes natural! talking does not! subsequently dialogue is Hard! No FUCKING Shit Sherlock!!!!! (affectionate)#so yeah. im using y'all (the tumblr void) as practice! hi!!! words at you!!!!!!!!!!#so yeah thanks for baring with me while passing by my corner of the internet#i do love self indulgence this is fun check out my navel gazing actually no do not look at my belly button#anyway i just think this is mildly interesting. some of my writer buds have the same “not good enough” allergy towards visuals#but they use it to be mean2me >:( same bitch that “omg i cant i suck at drawing i can't do this-” does the “uhm. just write? lol.” 2 meeee#we could have peace and love on planet earth and a common experience and yet you KICK miette for being bad at words!!!1!!! </3 heartbreak!!#what the fuck was i talking about even#oh yeah. perfectionism within creatives i guess. LMAO JK i am talking about NOTHIN!!!!G i am just putting Words Out Here ehehehehehe#its practice >;)c#all this bc ive been doodling comics for myself again and im V!! PROUD OF THE ART!!!! wanna share- but DIALOGUE!*⚡sfx!!*....... so! options#a) leaving it blank. no there are NO microphones in the budget. b) leaving blank *balloons* so that the Rythm is there. implied convo!!!#c) ...doing it badly. (tragic)(heartwrenching)(teeny tiny bruise 2 the ego) *dramatic single tear cleches fists * its the only way.........#...we shall see! literally none of this is all that serious i am procrastinating!! <3 playing with my tuoys!!!!!!!! silly time!!!#/all lh! am reaching 30 tags so that is all for THIS episode of the maiora bitches about dialogue saga thank you for joining me!!okilyBuhBY
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hey does anyone want to come over and knock me out cartoon style with a frying pan or perhaps an anvil so I can get some sleep
#i have a long term sleep repair plan#but i can't start it until late april at the earliest bc of schedule stuff#i just can not for the life of me fall asleep earlier than usual but it's so easy to stay up later#so the my temporary solution is to sleep in on weekends. except apparently i can't do that either#sooo in the meantime I'm just. suffering#i keep waking up the same time as usual (normal and expected just annoying bc I'm trying to sleep more)#and yeah the exhaustion is catching up to me via sleepy tired etc. but it's also been really taking a toll this week physically#many ahces and pains no matter how I sit or lay or stand and I've gotten sick twice in the past few weeks and am hardly ever sick#anyway. brb gonna scream into the void about it#personal
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i miss the era of internet where all we got were anime fansubs made by people who had the time to do what they enjoyed
#translations of everything have started to suck more and more each passing year. everything is rushed out so quick theres no time to#localize literally anything#this is specifically the OFFICIAL dunmeshi anime subtitles saying theres not going to b a duck with an onion or something#ok. that wouldnt have even needed localization. you just didnt translate the fucking thing. you cannot take a saying and directly translate#all the words in it and expect people to get it#also theres a culture of ppl who know a language being like 'uhm. why did you translate it like that when it literally means xyz'#like yeah sure i'm sure translating everything directly ignoring the original prose and flow and meaning is going to be great#yakuza is the only game series i trust to b translated properly tbh. bc of the safe sects joke.#i wish ppl hiring translators a very pay them more and give them more time to work#is this rant even coherent. after ages i managed to fall asleep around 4 am and sleep a whopping 2 hours before waking up#and then i tried to go back to sleep bc i am so incredibly tired but then the clock hit 8 am (i have one of those clocks that chimes every#hour) and i just gave up and decided i need to write down what ive been thinking about for#the past half an hour#though i feel this is missing over half the context i thought of but idk bc im so very tired gdhwbfks
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in "fuck you we're not sleeping tonight" hell again :((((
#really should get back to a normal sleeping schedule#like the 'oh i'll go to bed around 1am so i'll be tired enough to fall asleep quickly'#strategy only works when 1am is not quite the default yet.#or it's something else but i don't wanna think about that#like sure i am overall way more nervous and sensitive and have just generally been feeling on the brink of collapse lately but#that's probably nothing <3 the fact that my sleeping and eating schedules are also fucked is completely unrelated btw#neither a cause nor an effect. it's just january. ignore it and sleep that's what i do best#except for the last few days bc i can't sleep but AGAIN. this means nothing
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not doing good. at all
#purrs#today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge#getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a#and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak#i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry#and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d#do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b#be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of#km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for#any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is#making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis#miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being#shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this#delete later
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happy birthday to the incredible paul bellini!!! may this be the best bellini day ever
(picture on the left is from the first mouth congress concert i went to last december and picture on the right is from my first ever zoom with paul bellini which is going to be exactly a year ago in a few weeks. so surreal how far our friendship has come since then, he's genuinely like family now)
#uncle paul <3#i should make a ''top ten paul bellini moments'' thing some day. the chia pet story is number one#but also shoutout to literally the first thing he ever said to me on that zoom#i was like ''just so you know i'm feeling a little starstruck right now'' and he was deadpan like ''you'll get over it in 5 minutes.'''#and i did <3. but just because i'm not starstruck doesn't mean i've ever stopped being excited that he knows who i am#also i'm like 99% sure that i reminded the kith instagram to make a bellini post today lmao. i posted this exact thing on instagram#and the kith account liked it and then 5 minutes later posted happy birthday paul bellini like i'm out here reminding people it's bellinida#last thing. this is not a post about scott but can i just take a moment to appreciate how far my friendship with scott has come#just looking at the pics of us together???#like the one on the left here. that's the first time i ever met scott so obviously he wasn't as familiar with me as paul#so he's just kind of posing doesn't look as excited (plus he was tired it was like 3 a.m. that's fine)#but look at the ''family photo'' i took with all three of my guys in june??? (the one where he's directly next to me)#he looks SO HAPPY by then it's such a difference! like over the course of those months he did get to know me better#and now any time i'm in town it's a whole Event with everyone trying to get their jess-time lmao#as i was falling asleep last night i was thinking about how different that new year's eve trip would be if i went up this year vs last year#just bc everyone knows me a lot better#and it just makes me so happy. character development all around
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.
#good news first: it's a sunny day! yay!#and it's also Friday!#and we've got a hearing this morning AND then we're going to another courthouse which is supposedly very pretty!#now the mid news: I'm gonna spend all day with *them*#which I am inordinately happy about#but also#now that I know they're ~spoken for~ this is only going to make it worse for me#like I don't look forward to deepening this crush at this point in my life#should I also add that I've barely slept?#like I was dead tired got home past 10 pm#and then couldn't fall asleep until 2 am#bc I kept thinking about it all#(and blasting music in my ears)#where is the bad news you ask?#here ya go#first of all I'm even more nauseated now that I've got this new piece of info#(which at least somehow has the merit of corroborating my theory that it's all psychological/stress/etc)#second of all I'm hyper mad at myself for crushing so hard on a near stranger#and I've got a whole different kind of stomach ache every time I think about yesterday#and how it came out that they've got a girlfriend#third of all I've got no idea what to wear today bc I feel like I've run out of outfits this week?
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just me alone in my room against the horrors
#renee rambles in the tags#the worst thing abt bei.g friends with 2 men exclusively is i cant have an enotional breakdown without serious fall out#theyre just not used to dealing with emotions gently#so now its me alone#anxious about the bugs in my bed#zack asleep without saying goodnight#seth lost his mind at me and i told him i went to bed hours ago#i just barely made it into my room#bam cockroach right there by the door#there was one in my jewerly box this morning#and another on my bed this evening#and i just want to go to sleep i literally am so tired#so mentally exhausted from crying all day#but i cant get into my bed i cant#i took all my stuffed animals off of it#and im moving them to my bfs place#bc im so afraid theyre gonna get full of bugs#and then ill judt have bugs forever wherever i go#or be forced to get rid of all my beloved stuffies from the past 20 years#its like im just#so tired of being so anxious in my own home#stfu renee
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,
#hey y'know what#i normally fall asleep holding beyonce (my favorite lil guy)#at least lately#it's just nice to hold smth#i dunno what it is about tonight but i wish i were beyonce y'know#i haven't felt that in a minute. it was too uncomfortable of a feeling y'know so i pushed it away for a bit but#dunno. smth about here and now#i would not mind being a bit vulnerable#i would like 2 curl up w someone or people that care abt me and rest for a bit#smth about love or whatever it's 3 am and i'm tired and feeling a lil small#but it's alright it's not too bad right now#just a lil achey. i reread that cat poem i keep with me on my phone and started feeling things again bc God if that isn't me#so unrelated but i'm a lil sad i had to clean up my nails bc i tried repainting them like 5 times before i realized i was#getting bubbles bc the. polish has gone bad shdjfhg#no cool black nails 2 go w my ken fit but that's okay 😔#anyways#g'night#sap says
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Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*
#and don’t say take your medication#fuck. my moms sitting here like I was under the impression you had this all figured out and I’m like well I was under the impression you#we’re going to fucking sit down with me and help me book a room for the last night of driving bc I can’t book and I have to find somewhere#between like three states that will let me check into a hotel room bc if I get somewhere and they don’t let me stay I’m fucked and have no#where to go or sleep bc I can’t sleep in the car on the way back bc my car is packed to the FUCKING top with my brothers shit fuck fuck fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#it’s just like being a kid I can hear my family making fun of me for my emotions in the next room over FUCK I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE T#THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS#I think I’m having caffeine nic and med withdrawals at the same time while pmsing#AND WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR DRIVING BACK DOWN#I think I’m the biggest bitch on the planet rn#i was listening to father by tfb in the car and there’s a line about something about falling asleep while you drive and I apparently sang iy#with a lot of passion bc my brother said ‘please don’t’ and that was literally the first time anyone has called me on my recent musicchoices#but it really has all been like I need to go anywhere but where I am right now and I need to die far away and that’s it#no more starting over no more self hatred no more family shit I just need to stop#I want to hire someone to drive my brothers shit down to Florida and then I want to kill myself in New England#Anyways. I’m gonna go try to eat something and take my meds and then move stuff around in the car and also try to get a room somewhere by#the end of my trip and I don’t have much time at all and I need to kill everyone and then myself now now now now now now now now now now now#every time I move my body the entire world spins and idk if it’s anxiety or med withdrawals or being tired or what but I am losing it and I#feel like I don’t have it in me to drive any fucking more this trip and the way back is only just beginning#and in less than hour were supposed to check out of this hotel and go to my aunts for a big family celebration of my brothers graduation and#Mother’s Day and I’m going to see all my family who still has a fucking father and I want to be fucking dead I hate all of this I hate it#I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
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Now im the dumbass who said "I'm so cute you better claim me for real before I get lost out here" and then made a very serious comment about our shared hesitation for monogamy and that we could hypothetically work around that. I sent that after they went to sleep and then followed it up a few hours later by saying that in less serious news I am watching Bluey and its cute. I added this just in case they didnt want to address what I've just said bc we do have plans to hang with a friend tomorrow afternoon and I will not be awake for long before then so like uhm. Yeah. Idk why I'm getting so impatient to have the conversation. I think I just realized how much I like them recently and idk, I want to be able to call them mine, which is idk. I know they arent big on the whole feeling like they belong to someone, because they belong to themselves first and foremost but idk, the idea of being able to call them like... my girlfriend. And it be true. Woah. And like, maybe thats why they say it jokingly so often but like aaa!!! It would be so nice to say that idk!!
#my mushroom#I get why people say they're green when they're high#it makes so much sense and sounds real good. thats exactly what it feels like. I am green. woa#greened is bad tho. not a fan#this is my personal opinion feel no need to share it#anyway I think this will all be okay#ultimately I think this was a good thing for me to say which will lead to something better in the future#hold on this episode of Bluey is so cute and like. aa#it felt like having a real family wtf am I living vicariously through a cartoon dog?#i wish I had a dad like him#hes just so involved and caring and he commits to the bit and his family AAA#I also wish I had a mom like her. in less episodes#thats mean but yk whatever#im just being edgy bc bluey is so cute and I need to balance it out#I think I'm going to go eat my butter cookies now#Im so excited about them. ive been snacking on them lately bc I havent had the time or energy but I can put butter on them today & I will#bc like. they're like coffee cake. its just that its better with the butter yk? yeah#oh im so tired tho honestly. might fall asleep on couch with cookies and bluey#that sounds nice
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if lasting integrity has one hater it is me etc etc
#okay maya too.#outgoing transmission#im uncomfortable and cant sleep and am plagued by memories that are mostly vague#just... being awake too much and then when i eas finally able to fall asleep#i could Not stay asleep bc everything was too stressful and maya wasnt around and I was worried#about her and other things. half sure id be stuck there#thought a bit too much abt kal i didnt Quite know how much i liked. or loved yk. him then but#i was like ah itd really suck if i couldnt see him again i wonder if he'd find a way or if ill die here#there was a lot more to think about but Often when i felt hopeless i figured at least he was doing better#(he was not /: but he's alive)#i don't think i was the one for LI#i mean I was i guess I just am In There Now#like logically yeah maya was able to talk because of me sort of. because of us. saying me feels wrong.#but without her i would have been fucked#and its a moot point bc it was all fine and yk.. idk. i was Good enough to love my spren to life so i was the guy for the job#but ohhh the. horrors of feeling inadequate in the moment#this is Peak middle of it all. the most stressful part.#im so so tired.#adolin post
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i can't decide if i should bother applying to go to oboe camp this year or not. the first year was pretty good and while i still enjoyed last year too i wonder if the amount i'm getting out of the experience is enough to justify the trip anymore since i already feel like it's diminishing in terms of what i have left to learn or experience there
#sasha speaks#idk i mean. i guess there will Always be new stuff to learn and it is Always going to be a good thing for me as a musician#to learn from new teachers and colleagues and socialize and/or play with them or whatever#but i am truly so bad at making friends that. that didn't go so well last year.#i think failing to find partners to play chamber music with me two years in a row and some embarrassing feedback on my solo#put a bigger dent in my pride/confidence/whatever than i realized.#idek why i'm fretting over it atm. i mean i know it's bc the application opens next week#but i basically already know that the deciding factor is probably gonna come down to whether i get an internship/fellowship in the summer#and if my work schedule will even allow me to go. and i certainly won't hear back about those for at least two or more months#sigh. i want to have fun and i want to travel and i want to socialize and i want to learn and grow more as a player#but i don't want to stagnate by trying not tk fall asleep during barrett day in and day out again#and for gd's sake i don't want to be the sad bitch at the lunch table every day that no one wants talk to or play with#for another stupid fucking year#i'm tired of not even being the last choice just the no choice#oboeposting
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sooooo sleepy and i have to go prep for rehearsal in an hour and a half...
#.txt#i can't take a nap bc it will leave me more tired for a while and also the last nap i took was accidentally two hours so i won't risk it#but god am i crashing#reading my book about zombies ans trying not to fall asleep instead of doing homework as is my right
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So this is my thing now, I’m afraid to go to sleep. This is kinda bullshit, brain.
#I feel like I’m going to die when I fall asleep#see… I’m afraid you think I just mean I’m scared of death#no no no. no. I feel like I’m suffocating. I have to force myself to breathe. my body tingles (in a bad way). I get really overheated.#I get dizzy and feel like I’m going to pass out from lack of air. I feel sick.#I haven’t slept much lately.#I’m miserable alllll the time. I can maybe force sleep with super exhaustion but I’m drained no matter what#this isn’t the first time it’s happened but this is the longest it’s gone on#from that my anxiety is now blanketing everything bc I’m so tired and scared about not getting to sleep#sickening anxiety. I feel like puking or passing out. and I got hit with some heavy (but thankfully short) virtigo yesterday#terrible terrible terrible#and seriously. anxiety. so bad. I’m constantly trying to get high right now to fight it but it’s rough#getting high is starting to make me feel sick too. and my tolerance is building. it’s like… it’s all bad. all options.#I hate this.#AND it’s the weekend and my new primary can’t see me until Wednesday and then I’ve got to beg for… I dunno… the good stuff#god. I told myself I’d go see my doctor about this a couple of weeks ago when this last hit and I didn’t 😓#ideal scenario: all doctors fall in love with me and medically induce a short coma for me to catch up on sleep and then they give me drugs#this new doctor doesn’t know me! I haven’t laid enough groundwork! how am I supposed to beg for klonopin if we have no banter!?#that wasn’t a joke. I mean it was but it’s also serious. I need some GOOD anti-anxieties and he doesn’t know me enough to know I NEEDS IT😬#also my tinnitus is just… no sleep + stress means it gets stronger and it’s… a fucking wet willy shoved through my ear into my skull#and if I hit a bad patch of virtigo… I will… redacted.#I won’t! I will go running crying and screaming in the street before I off myself.#HEY! my insurance says I can get 30 days in-patient and I always keep that thought in my bad pocket.#*back pocket. I’m not about to go back and start redoing tags because of a few misspellings#this is so rambly#my brain is fried! I’m tired! my appetite is fucked! I don’t want to do ANYTHING!#I mean… I never want to do anything. I love being lazy. I should say that right now I CAN’T do anything. but I can. but it’s… a lot. fuck 😔#this must sound so whiny. I’m sorry. I’m sure I’ll be making more posts like this until this goes away#you can ignore this#text
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