#I am NOT a fire trial Uber by the way

[miss-eli-starfleet]

Wait wait wait… so you’re not supposed to be unable to see the next candle??? The first floor is fine but on the second floor, I just bumble around in the darkness and hope that “flame” icon pops up before I die.

Well I guess I’m never doing fire trial ever again

So after this update, the first thing I notice is that the floor looks really nice

The second thing I notice is that I can’t see the next candles anymore

I could barely complete the first level. I gave up partway into the second because there was just no way. I like the fire trial, I like to run it with no oobs or anything, I have a pretty good sense of the map… and now it’s simply impossible. That tiny bit of white of the next unlit candle is the only direction you get. Now it’s gone, and I’m just charging into the dark with a three second lifespan.

[undyingskies]

Scared Off

“ Alright guys, you did great today! We’ll pick up where we left next week, go get some rest!” You say letting Madi and Charlie know they were done practicing Perfect Harmony for the day. 

You turn from their smiling faces and let them talk to each other while you gather all your belongings. You shove your dance shoes into your duffel bag, then slip on your sneakers and sweatshirt over your sports bra. It seems that you wake up and it’s freezing, and the when your day is over it’s freezing again. Not that there is much room to complain, you love your job and you never thought that at 20 years old you’d be choreographing a show for Kenny Ortega for the second time. 

“Y/N, do you want a ride back to the apartments?” Charlie asks you turning from Madi to look at you, giving you that smile that would make any girl melt. 

Yep. As cheesy at it is or as obvious, you’ve fallen for the cute brown headed boy. You would assume anyone would, especially after all the time you spend together, choreographing Perfect Harmony and dancing together in Hollywood Ghost Club. To top it off, your apartment is in the same building as Owen and Charlie, just your luck. 

“Um, I think I am okay! I took an uber here today so my plan was to uber back anyways, I wouldn’t want to intrude.” 

“Oh myyy, why do you always say that? We live in the same building, just let me drive you home. You never intrude.” Charlie says back to you with a roll of his eyes and a smirk plastered on his face. 

“Yaaa Y/N, you never intrude!” Madi dramatically says, while raising her eyebrows, knowing damn well that the only reason you’re always trying to get out of it is because of your feelings for Charlie and the lack there of on his part. 

“Fine, okay. I just get nervous is all you know that.” You say back to the smiling pair. Charlie lets you know that he has to run to his trailer to grab his backpack and keys so he would be right back. 

“Y/N, you know he always offers to drive you here and back is because he wants to spend time with you! I literally neverrrrr hear the end of it when you tell him no or that you ubered here, he just complains and complains.” 

“Madi, as much as I would love to believe you, Charlie sees me just as a good friend and is just nice!” 

“Girl if I could hit you with some common sense I would.” Madi laughs and you roll your eyes at her sassy behavior. She may be tiny but that 5”4 girl is 50% sass and 50% pure talent. 

“What are you girls talkin about?” Charlie asks, his Canadian accent really pronounced when he says about which makes you giggle a little bit. To which he rolls his eyes at you in return.

“Nothing important! Ready to go?” You ask while slinging your duffel bag over your shoulder, walking towards Charlie who gives you a nod of his head. 

“Bye Madi, get some rest this weekend! See you Monday!” You say while walking away, she leaves you guys with a wave of her hand. 

You follow Charlie to his car, walking just a few steps behind him. As always Charlie opens the passenger door for you, giving you a small smile as you climb in. Madi’s words swirling around your head. You want to believe her you do, even the rest of the cast has made comments similar to hers, but you always brush them off. You didn’t want to get caught up in there words and just end up with a broken heart. 

Usually you would say that the job keeps you from falling for people, especially your co-workers. It’s usually a general rule of thumb, no getting involved with people you work with no matter how cute you think they are. Except, Kenny has even made those comments and told you to just go for it. Surprising? Maybe, but not for Kenny after knowing him for 5 years and working for him for 3, he just says what he wants and doesn’t place many rules on you. He trusts you, which you are very grateful for. 

“Y/N, do you think maybe over the weekend you could help me practice for the lift in Perfect Harmony? I just feel like i’m still struggling with it and I’d like to have to down by next week.” Charlie asks you snapping you out of you what feels like your never ending thoughts about him. 

“You’re doing great bud, but sure! You could come over tomorrow in the morning if you’d like? I was going to have a movie night tomorrow so I could squeeze you in before that.” You say with a laugh. 

“Oh wow, thank you so much for gracing me with a small amount of your time.” Charlie says with a laugh. A small silence overcoming the both of you for the rest of the ride. 

You reach your apartment building quicker than usual, or it seems that way at least. You both make your way to the building still in silence. It’s like this quiet agreement that Charlie would walk you to the door every time he drives you home, you don’t really argue with that one anymore. 

You stop at your door and turn to look at him, finding him already looking at you. His eyes meet yours and a smile covers his entire face, eyes sparkling. 

“Soooo, you said you were having a movie night tomorrow? Just you or....” 

“Oh you know me, a hot date. Thought it’d be a good one, watching me pig out on my couch, saying all the lines to What a Girl Wants” You laugh, he rolls his eyes. He does that a lot to you. 

“Nah, it’s just me as usual. If I was even able to get a date the last thing I would do is let him witness the mess that I am.” 

“Oh stop, any guy would be lucky to be graced with your present! I feel pretty lucky myself...” He trials off, looking at you almost sheepishly. You can feel the heat reach your cheeks. 

“Well thanks Char, but you know me. Not many guys coming around these parts. Something always scares them off.” You say with a shrug of your shoulders. 

You watch as his face drops a little at your words. His eyes staring into yours, you look down almost embarrassed. You see his feet take a step towards you and his hand reaches under your chin, making eye contact with you again. 

“I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself Y/N. Plus you haven’t scared me off and I have witnessed those movie nights.” 

He says still maintaining eye contact, you reciprocate with a small smile. 

“Well thanks Char, but you eat even weirder things than I do.” You say with a small laugh that even gets him to chuckle. 

“You know what I mean Y/N, you’re great. Stop selling yourself short, any guy would be lucky to be with you. Hell, I would be lucky to be with you, lord knows I think about it all the time.” 

“You think about being with me?” You ask almost at a whisper. 

“I—, well of course I do. Look at you, you’re beautiful, talented, and every other good quality I could ever wish for. I’ve liked you since day one, I know everyone’s told you that. I just don’t know why you never believed them.” 

Your eyes widen at his words, and all of a sudden you realize how close you two really are. That his hand is still under your chin making you look up at him. Silence falls over the two of you at his confession. His eyes flickering between yours and your lips. 

He looks up at you one last time, looking for what feels like permission. You give him a small smile and that’s all it takes. 

His lips are on yours, his lips interlocking with yours instantly. Your hands instantly reach up behind his neck to entangle in the bottom of his hair. His arms wrapping themselves around your waist, pulling you closer. 

You slowly pull apart when your lungs feel like they’re on fire and you can feel the swelling of your lips. Charlie takes a small step back, looking at you with the biggest smile on his face that you reciprocate with what feels like an ever bigger smile. 

He pulls you in again to leave a sweet kiss on your lips. This time leaning his head on yours. 

“How about after we’re done tomorrow, you let me join you in that movie marathon and see who will scare who off with their weird food habits.” 

You let out a chuckle, leaning in to kiss him one more time. 

“I think you’ll always have me beat on that one Gillespie.” 

[diaryofabeautyfiend]

This is two parts because I got carried away. I wrote this on my phone and proof read as much as I could.

Warnings: cheating, male masturbation, m/f sex, minor spoilers for “Defending Jacob”.

——————————————————————————————

Plain Gold Ring

“Plain gold ring on his finger he wore

It was where everyone could see

He belonged to someone, but not me

On his hand was a plain gold ring”

-Nina Simone

When the Barbers moved to your building every old bitty in the place was buzzing with excitement. You had loosely followed Jacob Barber’s case as it played out on the evening news. The whole thing was bizarrely too neat and tidy for your liking. You tried to stay out of idle gossip as much as possible. But, when you heard Andy Barber was interviewing for a senior position at your firm, you had questions.

Andy was brought in to interview for a position that you were also interested in. You requested a meeting with your boss and you went in guns blazing. Your poor boss was not ready for all the excitement.

“Am I still being considered for junior partner?”

“Y/n, calm down.” When he saw you winding yourself up, he popped an antacid an a few ibuprofen.

“Calm down? Calm down he says. I’ve been with this firm since I clerked for you in Law school, Stan. I’m the best fit for this role and you know it.”

“I know you are, kid. I’ve been out voted.”

It’s common knowledge that the partners don’t want too many women gunning for their jobs. They already have one token female partner. They didn’t feel the need to add another. You were infuriated. You stomped back to your office and slammed the door.

All of the work you put in. All of the late nights. You don’t have time to even date. And all for what? You had to calm down now because you were starting to cry out of sheer frustration. You took a deep breath and started going through your to do list. With a relatively light schedule you decided to leave for the day. You mumbled something to your assistant about a doctors appointment and headed for the elevator.

You saw some of the senior partners headed your way shaking hands with Andy. You pressed the elevator button furiously trying to avoid them. Could you make it down seventeen flights of stairs in your stilettos? The elevator dinged and you jumped on just as Robert called your name.

As soon as you put your car in gear, your assistant called. You sent her to voicemail. She called again. Declined. Finally she texted call me back ASAP. Emergency. Fuck.

“Caitlan I said I had an appointment. What’s the emergency?”

“Sorry. Mr. Cramer insisted I call. He’s standing by my desk” she whispered. “They want you to have lunch with them today. Maybe it’s about the job.”

“Did you see guy shaking hands with them? That’s the new junior partner. They are asking me to lunch to reject me. Fuck! Where?” You rested your head against the steering wheel.

“Commander’s at 1:00.”

“Fine.” you groaned.

You went home to freshen up and send out your updated resume. You made sure to include “Willing to relocate” at the end to broaden your prospects. You had a friend in Chicago who worked for a very high profile firm. They were always looking for new blood. You shot her a text to let her know you were looking then emailed your resume. The prospect of starting over completely made you nauseous. You would have to go through the ranks and probably waist another five years to get exactly where you were right now.

When you arrived at the restaurant the maître d brought you to the table where Stan, several other senior partners and Andy were waiting. Andy stood up to pull out your chair.

“Gentleman. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Sit down, Y/N. We wanted to introduce you to Andrew Barber.”

“Andy. Please call me Andy. It’s very nice to meet you, Y/N. These guys haven’t stopped talking about you all morning.”

“All good things I hope.” The men laughed and ordered a round of martinis. Good thing you ate a big lunch at home. No one likes a sloppy drunk girl.

“Yes. Well, Y/N, as you may not know Andy has accepted the junior partner position. We would love if you brought him up to speed on anything you’re working on and show him the ropes.”

You were seething. “Of course Mr. Cramer. Happy to.”

“Oh. Good. Let’s order huh? I’m starving.”

You were silent for the rest of lunch ordering two more martinis very dry and a salad. Dressing on the side of course. The men spoke loudly and never even tried to include you in the conversation. You excused yourself to use the restroom. Andy, ever the gentleman, stood up at the same time.

You didn’t go back. Not that it would have mattered. You ordered an Uber and checked your email. You didn’t notice Andy at the valet stand.

“I’m headed back to the office. Need a ride?” he called to you.

“No. I’m good. Thanks though.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.” He watched you pace back and forth reading a message almost out loud.

You didn’t look up from your phone. “Shit.” You scowled looking at the screen. You dialed Caitlan’s extension. “Caitlan, Sloan Treadaway’s deposition was moved to today. I need it pushed to Monday.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I figured you would be coming back so I told them it was ok to push it up. I can call them back.”

“No. Don’t bother. I’m on my way back.”

“Looks like you can use a ride after all.” Andy was grinning from ear to ear.

He held the door and rushed around to the other side. You pulled a small bag out of your purse. You freshened your hair, popped some breath mints, lotioned and spritzed away the smell of booze. Andy thought this must be commonplace for you. It’s not easy trying to run with the guys. He could walk into this deposition piss drunk and most people wouldn’t care. You had to be perfect. He always hated that aspect of working in a big firm like this.

“Sorry. I’ll pay to have your car cleaned.” It smelled like you now. Expensive perfume and minty breath. Sweet but not sickly so. He inhaled letting his nostrils flair breathing you in. “Don’t want your wife to be pissed.”

“Lori? Don’t worry about her. She’ll understand.”

“How is she doing with her job search?”

“Doing ok. Thanks for asking. She’s interviewed with a few places.”

“She worked for a non profit right?” When he looked at you quizzically, you quickly explained yourself. “I hear things. Anyway. I know the director of a non profit organization that might be a great fit for her. I’ll pass along her information.”

“Thank you, Y/N. I really appreciate it. Stan told me you were the front runner for this position. I know how hard it is for women in this industry. I want to say how sorry I am…”

“Let me stop you there. First of all, don’t be sorry. You’re high profile and a damn good litigator. They would be stupid not to offer you the moon. You’re over qualified for this job. You didn’t come here gunning for me. I’ll be fine. Besides, a few of these old bags have one foot in the grave. It won’t be long for me.”

Andy smiled at you but still kind of felt like shit at the way the firm treated you. When you pulled into the garage you offered a quick thanks and rushed into the building to prepare.

Andy stayed behind for a bit. He spent a few precious moments breathing in your scent, letting it linger and wash over him. He hoped his clothes would smell a little like you. Stan said you were a “fire cracker”. Andy always hated that analogy. He knew by the way the group of men talked about you that he would like you. Your quick banter in the car confirmed it. Throughout the rest of the day you would invade his thoughts. He and Lori were still married but their relationship was long over. You had excited him more in a couple of hours than she had in years. When he got home he didn’t eat dinner or speak to anyone. He went right to his room where he replayed your exchange over and over. The ghost of your perfume lingered on his shirt. Both of your scents mixed together gave him a raging hard on. He kept your shirt over his face while he fisted his cock.

——————————————————————

The next morning you decided to face the day with a fresher attitude. Sometime yesterday you heard from your friend. She was thrilled that you reached out to her. She has been trying to get you out there for a while. Knowing that you had a solid backup plan was giving your hair volume and clearing your skin.

You thought you were early but Andy was already in your office waiting for you.

“Morning, Mr. Barber.” God he loved how you said that.

He scoffed, “Andy. Please. I brought you a coffee. I hope it’s ok. I got your order from Caitlan. I thought we’d order in lunch today. We have a lot of ground to cover. You should probably let your family know you’ll be missing dinner.”

“I don’t think my dead ficus will worry too much.” Your tone was dry.

“I apologize for the assumption.”

“Not necessary. Though my mother and my therapist would both be pleased to know that I look like someone who could have a family.”

You were funny. You seemed to say whatever thought popped into your head. You had one hell of a poker face though. He didn’t know if you were trying to be funny or if this was just you. When you didn’t look up from your computer screen he didn’t laugh.

As the day wore on you warmed up to him a little. You filled him in on the three big cases you were working on. You were actually going to trial on a very important case soon. He insisted you rehearse your opening statement a hundred times.

During the third run through Andy’s phone was blowing up. He finally turned it off and told you to keep going. He watched you pace around the room and coached you on your stance. “Stand with authority not arrogance.” He chided. He showed you himself then, asked if he could touch your shoulders. “Round them out like this. Good. Back straight. See?” he pointed to your reflection in the window, “It’s not menacing or arrogant. But you look like you’re in charge. You look perfect.” Hell. Was he flirting with you? By the time you looked at the clock it was 9:30.

“Fuck is that the time?” he said with a boisterous yawn.

“Shit. We should pick this up tomorrow.”

“Let’s go get a drink. I’m buying.”

You quirked your eyebrow, “I’m sure your wife and kiddo are dying to see you.”

He stacked some folders neatly on your desk and looked up at you through his lashes, “I’ll be sure to tell my therapist that I look like a guy who has a happy marriage and a good relationship with his kid.”

Your cheeks heated. The way he was looking at you made you sad but it also warmed your insides. “I’m sorry.” you mumbled.

“Don’t worry about it. We said we would stay together until Jacob went away to school. He pretends to ignore the fact that we have separate bedrooms. We put on happy faces everyday. We’re a typical American family.”

You laughed at his admission. His whole story was so fucked up. You wanted to know everything about him. “You know, I think I will let you buy me a drink.”

“Good girl.” he said in a low voice that went strait to your core. The whole way to the car you repeated a mantra in your head reminding you not to get involved with a married man. It didn’t matter how unhappy they were. But you wanted him. Every time he touched you, your insides would quake.

The bar was packed with regulars from the DA’s office and other firms. You introduced Andy around. The guy was a legitimate pro. He was so smooth working the room. The whole time he kept finding small ways to touch you. The brush of his fingers on your arm his breath against your ear when he asked if wanted another drink. Your heart nearly stopped. You stuck with him for a while until your feet couldn’t stand anymore. Every time he caught your eye from across the room he winked at you.

For the first time in a long time Andy was enjoying himself. Your friends were fun and not at all stuffy like he thought this crowd would be. You were adorable. Your laugh was cute. The way you brushed against him on purpose was cute. You were openly flirting with him the more you drank. He had a massive crush on you. What grown man has a crush these days. He thought maybe if he fucked you and got it out of his system he’d get over it.

Your friend Liz sat down at your table trying to talk to you for a solid minute before you noticed. “Sorry. I was distracted. What were you saying?” She threw her head back laughing at you.

“I said you two would make a gorgeous couple.”

“Stop. He’s married.”

“Happily?”

“That doesn’t matter. Married is married.”

“So that’s a no. He’s been eye fucking you all night. Shoot your shot, darling. We get so few in this life.” The light hit his wedding ring just right making you feel horrible for even entertaining the thought. Do not get involved. You kept chanting it in your head over and over until Andy slid in the booth next to you. He leaned over so he could talk over the din of the crowd.

“Hey, you. Wanna get out of here?”

“You don’t need to bring me home, Andy. I can catch an Uber.” That was such a ridiculous statement since you lived in the same building.

“That’s not what I asked. I said do you wanna get out of here?” His eyes were fixed on your mouth. A salacious grin splayed across his lips just knowing you’d give in.

“Andy. I….” You stuttered over your words. Your brain stopped working when you felt his warm breath on the shell of your ear. “Let’s get out of here.” Your breath hitched in your chest when he touched the small of your back. He payed his tab and lead you out of the bar.

You held hands in the car. His thumb rhythmically traced patterns on your knuckles. Every touch sent bolts of arousal to your aching cunt. It felt electric. You were ready to crawl into his lap by the time you made it into the garage. He parked in his spot and followed behind you to the elevator. You lived two floors below him. You glanced back at Lori’s sensible suv next to his car and felt embarrassed. He caught you looking and stopped you in your tracks. He took your chin in between his thumb and index finger forcing you to look at him.

“I understand if you don’t want to invite me in. I’m asking a lot of you. But I really like you, Y/N. You are funny and intimidatingly smart. And, fuck me, you are fucking stunning. I can go to work tomorrow like nothing happened. Don’t worry about Lori. Worry about what this means working together. Can you handle this?”

Your brain was no longer working and deferred to your pussy for any and all further decisions. You had not had even mediocre sex in six months. You just knew Andy was going to blow your mind. All day you have been working together so well. You challenged each other and he encouraged you when you faltered. Would this change the dynamic at work? Absolutely. Could you handle it? You’re damn right you could.

“I can handle it.”

“Good girl.” You all but sprinted to the elevator. He wouldn’t touch you until you actually got inside of your apartment and closed the door. When you did, he pushed against you and covered your lips with his.

You tasted the golden flavor of beer on his tongue as it probed your mouth. He unbuttoned your blouse and pushed it over your shoulders letting it hit the floor. He kissed his way down the column of your neck to the swell of your breasts. You panted underneath him raking your nails through his hair.

“God you smell incredible. At any point if you don’t want this….”

“Andy, shut up and fuck me.” He growled low in his throat before he picked you up and carried you to your bedroom. You could see how hard he was through his impeccably tailored slacks. You unzipped his fly and took the whole throbbing appendage in your mouth.

“Fuck, baby yes.” he hissed. You relaxed your throat muscles and swallowed him deeper. “You look so pretty with my cock in your mouth.” He moaned your name over and over soaking your panties. “Stop, honey. Let me see that pretty pussy.”

He eased you down onto the bed and undressed you painfully slow. It had been so long since he was intimate with someone, he wanted to take his time. He started with your feet removing your heels and massaging your insteps. His hands ran up the length of your legs to your skirt. He took off your panties first letting the skirt material pool around your waist. “So wet for me. So beautiful.” He slipped two fingers in between your folds hitting everywhere but your clit. He built up a tortuous rhythm that had you begging for relief. He smiled down at you watching completely fall apart. When he dipped his fingers inside of you, you were done. Your orgasm spilled out in one glorious cry. Before you could catch your breath he pulled off your skirt and unhooked your bra. His cock was weeping at the sight of you. A large hand held the back of your neck holding your head in place so you could look at him. Your eyes locked as he buried himself inside of you. There were no more words as he moved inside of you. Only breathless moans and sighs would escape your lips. He increased his pace and your orgasm started building again.

“Fuck. Andy, I’m….fuck!”

“I’m with you, honey. Come with me.” His words were your undoing. You latched your whole body onto him. He held you tight whispering praises in your ear. He kissed you slow and deep easing you back down to Earth. “You ok?”

“I think so.” You both laughed at the sight of yourselves. Sweat glistening off of your skin, lips puffy and kiss swollen. He eased off of you and rubbed your thighs to relax you. You thought he would get dressed and rush out but he crawled under the covers instead.

“Can I stay for a while?” Big arms pulled you down to his chest. He stroked your back softly to help you drift off to sleep.

“I’d like it if you did.” He pressed a kiss onto the top of your head and let his eyes flutter closed.

When dawn found you a few hours later, you were still tangled with each other. You jolted awake panicking because Andy was still in your bed. “Andy, wake up. You stayed all night.”

“I know. What time is it?”

“6:45.”

“Then we have time. Go back to sleep.”

“But Lori…”

“I told you not to worry about her. Get back on this pillow and let me hold you. Please.” The poor guy was so touch starved you guessed. Andy Barber was not a man who did well being single. He loved being in love. He longed for a connection. For passion. He knew those things would sometimes fizzle out of a marriage. But, with you, he couldn’t see that. Your fire matched his fire and Lori was the wet blanket that always snuffed him out.

He supposed that wasn’t really fair. Two people were in their marriage. He worked long hours and spent very little time doing anything but being an ADA and being a dad. He didn’t give the same dedication to being Lori’s partner. The stress of this past year pushed them further apart. He felt obligated to be with her. It was his idea to stay together for Jacob’s sake. He regretted pushing for it.

He pulled you close to his body and wrapped an arm around your waist. He nuzzled your hair and fell back to sleep. You did too.

[punchdrunkdoc]

Updated K-drama list (3)

4 more shows DONE and there’s been some changes to the rankings...

FAVOURITES

1. Crash Landing on You

He’s from North Korea. She’s from South Korea. They never should have met, but they’ll change each other’s lives.

This was my first K-drama, and its still my favourite. The full cast of characters is great, the lead romance is ANGSTALICIOUS and its genuinely, laugh out loud funny (when its not making you cry or swoon).

Male lead: Officially the best boyfriend ever. With added dimples.

Tear-jerk factor: 4/5

2. Healer

The lives, and pasts, of a hot shot reporter, a spunky young tabloid journalist and a mysterious thief-for-hire intersect.

This was so addictive - the plot was tight and engaging, and this is one of the few shows I’ve watched where there didn’t seem to be a lot of filler. I loved the central 3 characters, and the romance was amazing. I especially loved that the male lead started off such a brooding loner, but he became super-affectionate as soon as he admitted his feelings. So many good hugs and lots of face-cradling in this one.

Male lead: Effortlessly beats up 2 henchmen while comforting his girl over the phone. What more do you need?

Tear-jerk factor: 1/5

3. Itaewon Class

A young man’s life is forever altered when he runs afoul of a powerful family.

This felt like a big step up in quality from everything else in this list, in terms of the production, soundtrack (which was brilliant), the lack of annoying sound effects, and just the overall ‘real world’ feel of the show. All of the characters were fleshed out and 3-dimensional, and they all had their ‘moment’ to shine. The story itself was gripping and so well done - some of the twists and reveals had me gasping! And what can I say about the 2 leads? I love them, both separately, and together. He is so wise beyond his years, and his journey will break your heart and inspire you. She is borderline sociopathic, but I adore her.

Male lead: Tenacious, principled, kind, innocent, caring, driven, loyal…and he can cook!

Tear-jerk factor: 2/5

4. Descendants of the Sun

A special forces Captain meets a capable and beautiful trauma surgeon. They feel an instant bond, but their jobs and philosophy on life get in the way, threatening to tear them apart.

Halfway through this show, I seriously thought this might overtake CLOY as my No. 1 fav. I absolutely LOVE the male lead character, and the romance was beautiful…but it didn’t quite nail the angst and the last minute was a bit twee which dropped it down the rankings a bit.

Male lead: A cocky, charming, absolute BADASS with the most adorable, cheeky smile.

Tear-jerk factor: 2/5

5. My Holo Love

A lonely woman falls for a holographic AI and then meets his creator...

I love the concept of this show (I’m a big sci-fi nerd), and it was beautifully shot. The lead relationship is well developed and it doesnt fall into a typical love triangle. I’ve come to realise it utilises a lot of K-drama tropes (face-blindness! shared childhood trauma!), but it does it really well, imho.

Male lead: Tortured loner genius. My catnip.

Tear-jerk factor: 2/5

6. Goblin

A 900yr old immortal guardian finally meets the ‘bride’ who will end his existence

Once I got over the slight ick-factor of the age difference between the two characters at the beginning, I really fell for this show and it’s world. It had me in tears. And I especially loved the secondary character of the Grim Reaper.

Male lead: Surprising innocent and funny for a 900 year old

Tear-Jerk factor: 5/5

7. What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim

An personal assistant decides to quits her job in order to get a life. Her boss has other ideas.

I loved the female lead in this - I’m a sucker for uber-competent people, and the actress is STUNNING. Her boss is self-centred, entitled and vain...but over time, somehow that just becomes endearing! This show also has lots of very good kissing scenes...and when he started to unbutton her shirt during one encounter, I was SCANDALISED (did I mention these shows are usually very PG!!)

Male lead: Like I said, somehow makes vanity and narcissism endearing. Also not afraid to get his shirt off and flash his 6-pack. Bonus.

Tear-Jerk factor: 0/5

8. Legend of the Blue Sea

A mermaid comes onto land to find the man she loves

The (literal) fish-out-of-water scenes in the first half of this show were hilarious - the actress is a comic genius! The romance was nicely done, and there wasn’t a lot of extraneous plot or too many characters. I couldn’t stop watching this one!

Male lead: Cocky, arrogant conman with a soft mushy centre

Tear-Jerk factor: 1/5

9. Fight for my Way

Two life-long friends decide to go after their dreams

I found this during my Park Seo Joon binge and, even though I fast-forwarded large chunks of it (I wasn’t interested in the secondary couple at all), it still made my favourite list because I love the leads - both as separate characters and as a couple. This is one of the best friends-to-lovers stories I’ve seen, mainly because you truly buy that these 2 have known each other their entire lives (their  bickering and teasing feels so natural). And then when they take the next step, they’re so affectionate and refreshingly open with their feelings.

Male lead: I love his contradictions. He’s goofy and childish…but can really turn on the sexy charm; he’s a badass MMA fighter…who loves when his girlfriend sticks up for him and protects him.

Tear-jerk factor: 0.5/5

10. Suspicious Partner

A young, hardworking lawyer has her life turned upside down when she is put on trial for murder.

This has been officially bumped up to my favourites list - partly because I’m now a massive Ji Chang Wook fan, and partly because I’ve rewatched scenes with better subtitiles and it made everything10x better. Its still overly long, but the serial killer plot had some nice twists and it was central to the story, so it didn’t feel extraneous like some of these types of plots do. I really enjoyed the central romance - the 2 characters sparked off each other well and I loved their evolution from sort-of enemies to lovers.

Male lead: Its Ji Chang Wook! He’s so good at playing serious guys who are secretly big dorks

Tear-jerk factor: 0.5/5

Notable mentions

These are shows which I completed and enjoyed but they didn’t set my world on fire. Usually because they were overly long, or the plot got in the way of the characters/love story.  

1. The K2

An ex-mercenary takes a job as a bodyguard protecting the illegitimate daughter of a politician. A sort-of Snow White retelling.

This started off really well, with some amazing fight sequences (hello, shower room scene!). However, the back half became too bogged down in double crosses and manipulations, and it focussed too much on the politicians. The writers did well to give these characters some layers, but they were all essentially doing bad things for the wrong reasons, and I just didn’t care about them. The show was much better when it was following K2’s journey. The romance also started off well, but was a bit underdeveloped (mainly because they barely interacted).

2. I Am Not a Robot

A man who is allergic to human contact finds companionship with a robot…or does he?

I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it passed a couple of episodes of this - the concept was just too ridiculous. But I’m glad I perservered, because it developed some real depth and some proper good angst towards the end.

3. My Love from the Star

Alien stranded on earth meets an actress soon before he’s due to be rescued.

I finally gave this another chance, and I’m glad I did. The female lead got a LOT less irritating, and I enjoyed the present-day romance and all the flashes back to the past. However, the ending was really abrupt and disappointing (which kept it out of my favourite list). There should have been 1 less filler episode in the middle, and a decent, fleshed out finale instead.

4. Her Private Life

A talented art curator tries to keep her professional persona separate from her fangirl obsession with a pop idol.

This was cute and I loved the central relationship - he was so supportive of her, and their interactions were refreshingly mature and their banter felt really natural. Ultimately, it was a bit forgettable (I’m not dying to rewatch any of it), and the last minute tacked-on childhood trauma subplot was really unnecessary.

5. Strong Girl Bong-Soon

A woman with inherited super-strength gets a job as a bodyguard for an eccentric young CEO

The lead couple in this are AD-OR-ABLE and I loved their relationship. But there was a weird tone issue in this show. The romance is super cute...but there’s a whole dark sub plot involving multiple women being held captive by a psychopath. I ended up fast forwarding most of that, and just concentrated on the romance.

6. Touch Your Heart

Star actress rocked by scandal works at a law firm to prepare for her comeback role

This starred the secondary couple from Goblin and I really like them, even though they are playing very different characters in this (more opposites attract, than doomed lovers). At first I found this too ‘cutesy’, but I’ve since realised the sound effects/graphics are a K-drama thing and not unique to this show, so I’m not as down on it as I was. I still had to fast forward a lot of the secondary romances which I wasn’t invested in.

The others…

1. Hyde, Jekyll and Me

A woman becomes involved in the lives of 2 men, who share one body

This stars Hyun Bin from CLOY and he is sooo watchable, especially as the slick-haired, glasses-wearing, uptight Seo-Jin. And the show started well...but quickly went off the rails into a convoluted, dragged-out revenge plot.

2. Melting Me Softly

Two people are accidentally cryogenically frozen for 20 years. They have to navigate the modern world and their new lives together.

Another good concept, but it ultimately descended into little more than a light work-place romance. Had a couple of good kissing scenes, but it was overall a bit forgettable.

And the DNF:

My Secret Romance

I started watching this because I was looking for something a little less PG - the characters have a one night stand in the first episode! But I couldn’t get passed the bad acting and cheap production.

Master’s Sun

I liked the premise but the 2 leads weren’t very attractive (at least in comparison to the insanely beautiful actors/actresses in the shows listed above). Call me superficial, but I couldn’t see myself spending 17 hours watching them and willing them to kiss.

[pedantichoe]

Rhythm of War spoilers under the cut

...

Perfect I’m glad that actually worked :)

1. WHAT THE NUTS?!2?:??:?:? I’VE LOST MY GOSHDANG MARBLES NOT TO MENTION SEVERAL PIECES OF MY SOUL AND ALL MY SANITY (clearly since I already said marbles r gone) HEAD IS EMPTY FELLAS

I’m honesty just still at a loss for words. The implications every major investiture-related reveal has are enormous. The light. The harmonies. The spren experiments??? Ishar what the eff word are you doing dude!??!???

I was under the delusion that there was going to be a mega battle between Moash and Kaladin at the end of the book that was gonna be Uber painful but then have that allow Kaladin to swear the fourth ideal (in my head it was smth like Dalinar v Odium in Oathbringer but I am aware that would be way too clean a parallel and branderson just doesn’t work like that). INSTEAD we got an altercation that caused me to BAWL MY EYES OUT FOR FOURTY-FIVE MINUTES

Some lead-up. Somewhere around the time Moash got the spren-killing dagger I could just feel an awful build-up of tension and anxiety. I may not be able to hear the rhythms of Roshar but let me tell you if I could..... I would be attuned to terrors m8. So anyways I knew shit was gonna go DOWN but I didn’t know exactly what. Then Moash got the knife and my brain was just like “if he kills Sylphrena....” but I was just like HHHHH GOTTA KEEP READING

I’ll need to go downstairs and actually grab my book at some point to make sure I have the timeline right but there was a point where I had to set the book down and do some breathing exercises and walk around a little. And then Oho boy. When Teft walked in and saw Moash I just... I lost it a little. And then what actually happened????? My dogs woke me up at 5 AM and as I’m struggling out of some weird cosmere-related dream I remember whag Moash did and I’m just sitting there in the dark dogs whining to go out -crying- because how could he do that how could he how could he

And I know at the start of the book when Godeke or whatever edgedancer came to get Kal out of the manor fire was standing in the doorway and Moash had some kind of.... bit of his soul? Smth??? Show a version of who he /could/ be (wait that wasn’t Renarin was it cuz that would make sense...... hmmmmmmmm). That COULD mean he will have some opportunity at redemption which. If there is ANYBODY I trust to do it well and with feeling, it’s Brandon, but also a huge part of me does NOT. WANT. HIM. REDEEMED. I want him crushed and broken in every way with the full weight of what he did bearing down upon him but also hhhhhhh I’m sure we will get smth much cooler than anything I could think up ANYWAY

Why are the splits between paragraphs getting so big tumblr what is wrong with you

See this one is normal

Okay ANYWAYS

Kaladin. Bitch this man is a LOT. he’s just. I think the thing I appreciate most about these books is that the heroes aren’t perfect. They’re often damaged. Feel broken. And IN that they expand upon their ideals and ultimately make the first one just such an inspiring message. Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.

So Kaladin. He is just uhhhh amazing??? What I think truly encapsulates what I love about him is when it’s just he and Syl and the stonecast statue of Teft. The sadness is still there and I know it hurts him so much. But the guilt? The ability to grow in your losses and find yourself stronger and more human and more understanding because of it??? Ultimately THAT is where Moash and Odium are wrong. Kaladin and Dalinar have found and CONTINUE to find how to grow in their pain. How to not just deal with, but ACCEPT and OWN their pain and sorrow. They are finding the peace that Odium would have brought through numbness and loss. I don’t really know how to phrase this exactly how I would like. But I’m proud of this message. Im glad for this message.

When Wit helps Kaladin into that warm bubble and tells him he will be warm again, that just hit. The message in these books is about oaths and ideals and promises. It’s about growing into something so much more than you ever could have dreamed, and NOT by giving up your pain or your guilt or your loss or your anger to someone who would leave you a shell as a byproduct. When Teft died he died full of hope. He knew he was forgiven. He didn’t lose to Moash, to Odium, to the moss or to anyone or anything else. He lived and died with Honor. And in doing so proved that the power to change existed within him. It just needed support. Like a small flame. You can’t leave it open to the winds, or it will extinguish, but it DOES need air. It does need to be stoked to grow. Teft did it. So can you.

I went on both Instagram and Snapchat to try and talk about how deeply connected I feel to these books and the messages and characters in them. I wasn’t nearly as eloquent as I would have liked. But at the end of the day I am so grateful for how I’ve been able to grow and change and be shaped by my trials and experiences. I didn’t spend this year in as dark of a place as Kaladin, but I did feel trapped and stuck. I felt like a failure. I felt weak and angry and like there was no way to get to where I had been. Like I couldn’t remember the words.

And not just this book, but so many things in my life have helped me to see that I am valid and I am growing and I will stumble and make mistakes but through it all, the oaths that I have made, and the ideals that I keep are what make me me, and will continue to temper my soul and my spirit as I go along this journey.

I don’t need everyone to love these books as much as I do. Or feel as strongly about the messages or be as affected by the characters, the plot, and the INSANELY good writing. But I hope everyone has, finds, and clings to what makes them warm. What brings them light. We all make mistakes. We all will continue to mess up. We need to be corrected and shaped and we need to grow and change. But I for one am sick of hating people on principle. I’m sick of the feeling in my stomach like the world is falling to shit and that nothing I do or say will ultimately have any positive effect. I’m sick of living in a shade-darker world where I hate everything and feel like I should hate everything. I’m sick of being angry.

As a related side note. As we get to know more about the shards I hope someone makes a “which shard of Adonalsium are you!” Quiz because that would be very interesting. As is?? This year I have been Odium. I am passionate. But I am angry. I am so so angry. And I don’t -want- to be so angry anymore. I want to have hope. I want to follow light. I want to CHOOSE life and strength and journey and I want to sacrifice what I need to to get there. Kaladin’s fourth ideal is recognizing he can’t save everyone. I want to follow the ideal that those out there deserving of love and compassion outweigh my need to feel angry and unjust at those that destroy those things. I’ll work on phrasing as I go. I’m not quite ready to swear it, but the words are coming. I can feel them.

What Maya did was reveal that in the darkest of times for Radiants and their bonds, there was a choice that was made. And -no one,- spren, god, or otherwise, can take away the fact that it was THEIR choice. It is my choice whom I serve. It is my choice what I sacrifice and what I hold on to. And I will not let the voices of those telling me I have to hate everything and everyone take charge over me.

I hope everyone out there finds their ideals. And keeps to them. And knows that there is hope and light and life. That there is strength before weakness. And courage before cowardice. And a journey before their destination.

And that ultimately, the most important words a person can say are: “I will do better.” And the most important step they can take is the next one.

Life before death. Always. Life before death.

[maramahan]

Weird dream:

Something something I had to fight a giant kraken-beast known as the Rat King right off the coast of Florida

Hard-won victory. Rendezvoused with my companions where they’d been sheltering at a nearby gas station on the way out of town.

Gas station gets robbed before we can leave. The criminals steal our car and (somehow) stuff every one of my companions into the trunk. I convince them I am a Fellow Criminal and am allowed to sit in the backseat instead

I get chatting with the leader to try and learn what their plan is so I can stop it. Turns out they literally just. Needed to borrow a car and didn’t wanna pay for an Uber? Ok I guess

The road we’re on passes through the Poison Forest. It is dark and forbidding, and a (weirdly translucent) hugely giant spider with the face of a human child wearing a paper crown is perched above the entrance, spraying toxic mist into the air.

‘Good thing all of us are immune to poison,’ I say cheerfully. The criminals are not. (Technically I’m not either, but apparently I have enough resistance to fake it. My companions are still in the trunk so they’re safe.)

I leave the car and go on ahead to try and scout a safe path, and have several close calls with the drones patrolling the trees — they shoot poison darts. I also manage to rescue several strangers from treetop prison-platforms. We join forces.

It turns out this Forest is a kingdom ruled by a family of five elaborately-patterned giant balloons with faces drawn on. I pop three of them in the initial conflict before I’m captured by the remaining two: the balloons which call themselves Queen and Princess

They’re going to execute me, but I manage to convince them to instead to engage in a trial by fire/combat (Aka: the princess balloon tries to execute me by tossing me into a sack with hundreds of thousands of bees and if I live I get to fight the queen)

Bees. So many bees. Too many bees. The buzzing was terrible. So many bees. But I lived. Got to fight the Balloon Queen. But instead of an honorable one-on-one duel it turned into a fiasco where I was also being fired upon by a battle drone while a nearby guard tower hurled explosives. Shaggy from Scooby Doo was there. I don’t know why.

Chaos. Fire. Smoke. The tower’s explosive hits the battle drone my mistake. The battle drone careens into the tower. They both go down. I pop the Balloon Queen and drag myself out of the wreckage to collapse in a patch of grass.

My companions arrive. The strangers I rescued got them out of the car’s trunk, and all are safe. They’re ready to resume our road trip.

‘Good,’ I say, ‘but before anything else happens? I need a nap.’

I pass out — and that’s where I finally wake up.

[unnecessarywriting]

Heeeya love, can you please write about Luke in which Luke is your sugar baby? I couldn't find a imagine like that. If you do that, it would be really appraciated by me. Have a good day angel xx 💖

My Sweet Boy - Luke Hemmings

Sugar baby!Luke Hemmings x Reader

A/N: Hello. I kinda took this on in a different manner. I hope you all enjoy it, and I am willing to add on to this world more! Requests are still open!

As the CEO of a very successful company, you made quite a lot of money. You worked very hard to get to where you are today. The constant business meetings with people around the world just furthered that idea. The only problem...You’re a woman in a man’s world. If you weren’t being looked down on by all of the old white men, you were being hit on by them. It’s not your fault that you’re younger than them, beautiful, and insanely successful. Well, successful at work. The relationship department of your life was always lacking, especially with your long hours and rushing around the world to make sure deals didn’t fall through. 

One day, you decided to get your own coffee. Typically, your errand boy or personal assistant would do it for you, but you had time to kill, and it wouldn’t hurt to walk into the office 15 minutes late. What was going to happen? You firing yourself?

As you walked into the coffee shop, you stood in line behind a young man. He ordered his coffee, but as he went to pay, his card was declined. He was digging through his pockets trying to find any spare change. 

“It’s on me.” You say behind him. 

“That’s not necessary.” He turns to look at you. When your eyes reach his face, you can't help the small intake of breath. He is absolutely stunning. What a handsome man. Picking your jaw up from the floor, you begin to speak again.

“Listen, I’ll buy the coffee this time, but you can at least drink it with me.” The smirk he sends your way brings up an idea.

You walk over to a booth over by the windows. Both of you sit down before he starts to speak.

“I guess I should say thank you.”

“Well, I guess you should. I will say it is nice to have company in the morning, so I think I should also be thanking you-” you look at his cup, “Luke.” He smiles down at you and thus a small conversation about anything pops up. After about 20 minutes of mindless conversation, you get the nerve to strike up your proposition.

“Listen Luke, I think you are very attractive. You do, however, seem to be struggling in the financial department of your life.” He avoids eye contact with you, most likely out of embarrassment. 

“I would like to employ you.”

“Doing what exactly Y/N?” 

“I go to plenty of events, and the media is quite fond of my life these days. I am willing to provide you with whatever you may need, so long as you fulfill your duties to me.”

“And what exactly do I have to do?”

“Well, it would start by attending these events with me, but also going on public dates. I’m not saying that we have to really be dating, but you will be paid well for your time spent by my side. Anything else that happens behind closed doors, is up to what you are comfortable with, but I will say it again, I do find you very attractive.” You say the last part staring him deep in the eyes with a hint of seduction in your tone. 

He continued to gaze into your eyes before he nodded his head. 

“Okay. So, what should I call you? My sugar mama? Because that seems to be what you are.”

You laughed in his face at the thought. You exchanged numbers and told him that you would be seeing him soon. 

----

Clear your day and night. We’re going shopping and then to a gala. 

Come to my office now

Luke looked at your texts and couldn’t help but smile. He did really like you, but he somehow couldn't stop thinking about what you meant about things behind closed doors. Did you really see him more as just eye candy?

He got out of the Uber and walked up to your office. Your assistant led him in, where you were on the phone, angrily yelling at someone to get off of their ass. You slammed the phone down on the desk before looking up at the amused expression on Luke’s face.

“Is that the kind of treatment I’ll get if I do something wrong?” His words were lightened by his playful tone. You smile in response.

“C’mon. We have to get you a new suit for tonight.” You say grabbing your coat and ushering him out of your office. 

“So what exactly are we doing tonight?”

“Like I said in the text. We are going to a gala, so I need you looking extra sharp.”

----

A few hours later, he was on your arm as you entered the overly extravagant ballroom. 

“This is your world?”

“Sadly, it is.” You groan and find a waiter with some champagne. This night needs to be done as soon as possible. Luke catches your glance and frowns. Sure, he may just be seen as the attractive young man on your arm, but he can make these events as fun as possible for you. To be fair, you did pay for his suit, and a few other things while you two were shopping.

“Hey, you see that guy over there. He’s in the red suit.” You turn in the direction of his pointing finger.

“Yeah. What about him?” 

“Nothing, except I can’t seem to figure out if he has a mole on his face, or if he’s sharing his face with a rodent.” Luke watches your face as a smile begins to form.

The whole night continues like this. Whenever you’re talking to someone, he is whispering terrible jokes and observations about the rich assholes that seem to be a part of your life.

A while later, you two were outside of his apartment, sitting in your car. 

“Thank you for making my night fun. I typically go home afterward, grateful that I no longer have to be in that room.”

“Well, isn’t that my job? You give me anything I could ever want, which is wonderful, but I feel like I should do something more than just stand around and look pretty.”

“You’re right. Thank you again. Goodnight Luke. I’ll talk to you soon.”

He gets out of the car and walks up to his apartment. You drive home with a smile tattooed to your face. 

When Luke enters his apartment, he starts to undress. In his jacket pocket, he feels a card and note.

Spend what you want. There’s no limit. Have fun.

The credit card sat in his palm. This was his payment. He did his job, and nothing more. That was how you saw it. You could never have real feelings for someone like him. Of course, but he just needed to get that through his head.

----

A few months had passed since the first night you two had worked together. Things had been, well, different than you had initially hoped. You thought that with time, you two would spend time together, the money would act as a sort of aphrodisiac of sorts, and then you two would be together for real. That was not the case. This became ever apparent at this moment. 

You were in the middle of some friendly small talk in hopes of developing a relationship that could ensure that there would be business deals in the future. You had left Luke at the bar when a young tall blonde had made her way to him. You kept glancing over at their conversation. She was laughing and rubbing her hands all over his body. Now, you weren’t a jealous person, but this was unacceptable. He seemed to be enjoying her company.

Little did you know that Luke hated this. He was trying to not indulge her, but this girl just wouldn’t leave him alone. When he glanced over at you, you were deep in a conversation with another man, most likely about business. The girl next to him continued to speak, so he just started laughing, hoping that she would be fulfilled with that. Soon enough, you made your way over to him, saving him from his personal hell.

“Hey, honey. I think it’s time to go.” Your voice was too sweet. It was more fake than he thought you could ever muster. The other girl scowled and huffed as she walked away reluctantly. 

In the car, you were more silent than usual. Typically, there was music playing, and your voice showed through lightly as you hummed along. The silence was deafening to Luke. despite his trials of reminding himself that he was only your employee who was spoiled beyond belief, he couldn’t help but fall for you. Everything you did sparked some interest and by the end of the first month, he was in love. He was just oblivious to your passes.

You are inexperienced in real love, so you tried to buy it. Neither of you knew that you were so in love with each other. 

“What’s going on with you?” Luke looked over at you trying to figure you out.

“I buy you everything. I give you money, cars, a new apartment, all the clothing you could ask for, and yet I’m not enough for you. Yes, I am your sugar mama or whatever you call it, but all I want is to be someone you love. And God Dammit, I don’t know what else to do.” You pull up to the apartment you bought for him. “Just go. I have to go home and sleep. I haven’t slept in a few days, and I just need to be alone.” Luke got out of the car, stunned. Before he could process anything, you sped off. He could almost smell the tire burning at how fast you had left. You had feelings for him. There was no way, but he knew that he needed to show you how much he cared.

----

You woke up the next morning with mascara all over your face and pillow. You didn’t care to take off your makeup. You were too exhausted and your tears were represented by the makeup being pushed around everywhere. You knew that this was your fault, but it was time to put an end to whatever it was that you had with Luke. After a shower, you made some coffee and sent a text to him.

I’m sorry Luke, but I can’t do this anymore. 

You can keep the card. I feel terrible about leaving you behind like this, so spend all the money you want. 

Thank you for working for me. 

When Luke woke up, he checked his phone. You ended things with him. He didn’t even get a chance to tell you. He got up and walked around his apartment. Everything in there was paid for by you. You were everywhere, and he couldn’t help but feel terrible. He moved around his place getting ready to see you.

A couple of hours later, you were sitting in your house watching nonsense television hoping to take your mind off of Luke. There was a knock on your door, but you were too unmotivated to go and answer it.

“Y/n! I know you’re in there. Can you please open up?”

You rolled off of the couch and opened the door, but immediately you made your way back to the couch.

“Can we talk?” Silence.

“Fine. I’ll talk. You listen. I have fallen for you. I kept trying to tell myself that you could never feel that way about me, but then you confessed, and I don’t know. I was shocked that you could feel that way. I don’t need the money, but I’m not gonna lie, I do enjoy having it. I want to be with you, not just as your employee, but something more.”

“You love me?” he reached over the couch and took your face in his hand. He pulled your face to his and pressed his lips against your forehead. Then to your nose. And then his lips reached yours and you fell deeply into it. It was better than you could have ever imagined. It felt right.

“So, am I still your sugar mama?” He threw his head back and laughed. 

“Of course. You think I could afford to keep up with your lifestyle?”

You beamed up at him. His eyes looked past you and saw your gift to him.

“What..is that?” You turned your head and saw it.

“Well, before I confessed like an idiot, I bought this to thank you and hopefully make a more successful advance.” He got up and picked up the guitar you had specially made just for him. He returned to you and swallowed your body in his.

“I really do love you. Thank you for being the best sugar mama in the world.” You giggled.

“I love you too, my sweet boy.”

[suckerforsmylex]

I Think I Made You Up Inside My Head - Pt. 5

“I fancied you’d return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)” - Sylvia Plath, Mad Girls Love Song

 You set the mail down and step back slowly.  This has to be an elaborate joke.  Yes, the Joker impersonator that toyed with you and then leaped out your patio door planted these pieces of “Gotham mail.”  He must be really eager to make you think you live in Gotham City.  This has to be part of the “arrangement” he was referring to.   Fucking nutcase.  

But why can’t I remember anything except my name?

You start to scroll through your phone for familiar names.  

Vern.  Nope. Harvey.  Not ringing any bells. Janice. Nothing.  Hunan Wok.  Really? I have the local Chinese food spot saved in here?  HQ.  WTF is this? Headquarters? Headquarters to what? No clue. Mom. Yes mom!

You realize that you can’t recall what she looks like, but have a good feeling about calling her anyway. By now it’s about 4:30 in the morning but you call anyway.  She’ll get it.  An icy sensation creeps down the back of your neck as you realize that you can’t remember much at all about yourself. As you dial, you rummage through your living room for anything that will tell you more about your life, holding the phone in place between your right ear and shoulder, while frantically looking for items that will revive your memory.  There is barely anything in your apartment.  In fact, it’s a minimalist’s dream, right out of an interior design magazine.  Everything is metal, glass and leather.  You do find a half empty Starbucks cup on your coffee table and give it a sniff.  It’s pumpkin spice.  

So, it’s between September and December.  It’s not cold so September or early October sounds about right.   You check the date in your phone and its September 18th.  

After about four rings, a sleepy voice answers.  “Hello?  Are you ok? ”  “No…no mom, something’s wrong,” you choke out.  You recognize the sound of her voice and are grateful for it.  A number of mother-daughter memories flood back to you:  Cleaning your childhood house together while playing music and dancing.  Arguments over an old boyfriend – hers not yours. Midnight pancakes and gossip at the dining room table.  

 “What is it, hun?” Your mother is fully awake now.  “Mom, someone broke in and tried to…he threatened me and told me not to leave.”  You leave the whole sexual element out. It feels too embarrassing to mention. “What?  Oh my God, did you call the police?  Is he still there?  Do you know him? Oh my god I’m flying out to you.”  

Flying out?  

“Mom wait…I…I’m having a hard time understanding…you don’t live…nearby?”  There is a long silence.  “You know I live in Sacramento.”  Her voice is slow and sing-songy like she’s explaining it to a baby.   Your mom’s voice shifts and you hear frustration and what sounds like disappointment.  “Christ, it’s been five years since I sold the Gotham place.”  “Go..Gotham place?”  You are stuttering now.

“Have you been drinking again?  Please don’t tell me you are back off the meds.  Sweetie, we talked about this!”  

Meds?  “I can’t keep doing this with you.  It’s 1:45 in the morning over here!  I have work in the morning.  Please tell me that you are going to take the Haldol.  Go to sleep and call me a little later.  It’s going to be ok.  Call Dr. Leland when you wake up and schedule a session.”  

The phone is dead now.   You run to the bathroom and check the medicine cabinet. Sure enough, there is a bottle of Haldol in there.  A quick google search on your phone reveals that Haldol is used to treat Schizophrenia, amongst other things.  I need to sit down.  You stumble back into your bedroom and sit on the bed noticing the pictures on the walls. There is a picture of you smiling broadly in a skirt suit and briefcase.  You are standing in front of a courthouse.  Another frame holds a diploma…from Gotham City University.  

Gotham!  This is a comic book world.  Why am I in it?   Oh my God, is he the real Joker? Fuck!  

Another frame holds a certificate that reads “Certified Court Reporter.”  You throw open your closet and discover that it is split down the middle as if two different people live with you.  

On the right side of the closet: Pencil skirts in black, blue, nude and oxblood. Secretary blouses.  Pearls.  Monogram chains.  Numerous pairs of pumps in black and tan.  Briefcases made of good, smooth leather.  You notice a case holding a kind of weird typewriter in it.  You open it up fully and read the words “steno-graph”.  I really am a court reporter? Huh.  I guess that’s pretty cool.  I can’t be that nuts if I’m a Court Reporter, right?  

On the left side of your closet:  Bodycon dresses and miniskirts.  Short, strappy and lacy dresses.  Lots of sparkly dresses in gold, silver and glittery fabric. Short shorts, crop tops and tons of knee-high socks.  Thigh high boots and stilettos.  Quilted mini backpacks.  Big, gold chains.  You realize that you are smiling broadly as you finger through the gold chains.  A memory of you laughing madly, covered in gold chains and diamonds rushes back to you.  You can hear other laughter in the memory but you can’t pinpoint who it comes from.  You close your eyes and let yourself become immersed in another recollection that rapidly comes to you.  

The memory unfolds before you like a dream and then you’re there, witnessing when you jogged into the same courthouse from the picture in your bedroom, dressed in one of your pencil skirt/secretary blouse ensembles. Your hair was pinned up in a loose chignon and you were carrying your steno-graph.  The plaque on the side of the courthouse read “The Solomon Wayne Courthouse.”

“Your late. The trial is about to start.  You better get in there before the judge gets in there.”  A sharply dressed man called out to you while standing under a metal detector.  He was getting scanned with a hand-wand by a security guard.  You called out loudly and out of breath, “Thanks Harvey!  Janice, can I cut in front of you?”  An older blonde turned to you and sighed while shaking her head.  “This is becoming a habit.  Just go.” You rushed past gratefully.  “Thank you!  My Uber was late again. Here – take my coffee, I don’t have time to drink it,” you said as you shoved your coffee into her hand.  You put your arms up and ran through the scanner as the security guard shook her head.  “I don’t drink coffee!”  Janice yelled out to you as you ran into the court room.

You had just enough time to set up the steno-graph as they were letting in the defendant.  He walked in an orange jumpsuit.  You remember his snowy skin.  It was so pale against the bright green hair.  His lips were crimson with a mouth full of metal.  This was the first time that you laid eyes on the Joker in the flesh.  You had followed his petty crimes before but this was the first time you shared the same air in the same room.  

You couldn’t help but stare as he was seated on the bench handcuffed.  He looked all around the courtroom and laughed as his lawyer tried to consult him.  His lawyer seemed nervous as Joker lunged forward making a biting motion with his mouth.  As he looked around the room again, Joker locked eyes with you and smirked and a vicious grin spread across his face.  You blushed brightly and crossed your legs. It felt as if the room was on fire as he began to cackle, the sound of the “HA HA HA HA HA,” filling your ears. 

You were embarrassed by your arousal, but you grinned back, your hand raising your pencil skirt and rubbing the outside of your panties under the wooden desk.  Your purse sat underneath your chair, a red fabric peeking out of it.

Your cell phone buzzes, snapping you out of the memory.  It reads:

[Here’s Frost’s number xxx-xxxx. Stay put. I’ve got eyes on you. Don’t you dare move.]  

You look around panicked. 

He has eyes on me.  What does that mean?  Oh my God what have I done.         

[victorluvsalice]

AU Thursday: Alice Vs The Questionnaire I Just Made

Because it would be remiss for me to send it out into the world and not answer it myself, right? ;p

1. How many of the sidequests did your characters do? Did they manage to complete all of them?

Alice completed most of the sidequests, mostly because I find them interesting, they're good to advance the plot of my story, and -- in-game -- they're good sources of XP. The only ones I skipped/failed were (Edit: naturally I forgot a few on my first posting; what can I say, there’s a lot of side quests!):

Drug Trip -- The Unofficial Patch Plus only quest where you can get some XP and +1 Finance by stealing some drugs for Trip from the clinic. In-game, I completely forgot this was an option and never did it. In-story, Alice is trying to get drugs by more legitimate means for Mercurio rather than steal morphine, so I don’t think she’d be keen to get the recreational stuff for Trip.

Daydream Believer -- Only marked as an official “quest” by Unofficial Patch Plus, this is where you can sell Copper “unicorn blood,” fang-blunting gum, and a stake to kill the head vampire if you’re feeling maliciously playful. Alice was not -- in fact, she likes the Thin-Bloods and wants to help them. And that includes sympathizing with Copper about his desire to become human again, while also warning him off doing anything stupid.

Replanting A Lily -- The quest where you send Vandal someone to replace Lily in his blood-draining chair once you’ve freed her as part of Thinned Blood. In-game, I simply Demented him into some hysterical laughter to forget the whole thing (in case I needed him for emergency rations). In-story, Alice slammed him up against the wall and informed him the only reason she wasn’t about to kill him was because she needed to stay in the Voerman sisters’ good books. Vandal being Vandal, he immediately found this the sexiest thing that had ever happened to him and tried to give her free blood (like might happen with the Intimidation option), which she told him to stick where the sun don’t shine. Yeaaaaah, Alice doesn’t like Vandal.

Occultish Personality -- The quest where you get occult items for Pisha, and she gives you powerful items in return. Rather than work with Pisha, I had Alice kill her after taking care of the Simon business. This was purely a character choice, as I didn't see Alice ever working with her (she disapproves too strongly of what Pisha does to sate her Hunger -- she understands that the woman is under a pretty nasty curse, but the entire camera crew?!).

Venucide -- Okay, this is an interesting one -- this is the alternate side quest you get if you take Boris up on his offer to kill Venus during And Her Name Was Venus. I didn’t do this in-game -- I’m not doing low Humanity with Alice, and besides you earn a lot more with Venus alive and giving you club profits -- but I mention it because Alice pretends to take the offer, goes back to Venus, and works with her to fake her death before going back to Boris to get the reward, then kill him. Venus is quite tickled by the whole thing. XD

Dirty Dishes -- The quest where you help one of the three Giovanni relatives at the party to gain an advantage over the other two. I attempted this one, with the intent of having maybe Victor or Victoria do something with the info in the story (as they're the ones actually doing the social stuff -- Alice snuck in Obfuscated with them), but as it turned out, I didn't have the Persuasion necessary to get the dark secrets out of all three. I only managed to get Adam Dunsirn to admit he’s broke -- ratted him out to Mira for an experience point. Ah well. . . In-story, Victor will probably learn Adam’s secret while socializing, but not actually tell anybody.

Model Citizen/Cover Girl -- Imalia's quests -- either planting webcams to spy on her rival Tawni, or (if you piss her off/want extra XP after the previous quest), getting her a copy of a magazine with her on the cover back before Nosferatuing. Imalia is one of those characters who reacts very poorly to meeting a Malkavian, and is generally pretty conceited, so I didn't have Alice stick around to actually get the quests. By this point in the story, she's not doing favors for people who treat her like ass unless she has to.

Poster Session -- The quest where you trade various objects you can collect around the world to Gary for posters of the ladies in the game. Okay, in all actuality, I am doing this one in my game, if only because I'm collecting the objects he's asking for anyway while doing other quests and I might as well, but Alice in-story wouldn't be interested, and I'm not sure Gary would make the offer anyway, given their relationship.

2. How long do you think their stay in L.A. lasted, from Embrace to ending?

I'm working on figuring this out right now in my current playthrough! Part of the reason I fired up Bloodlines again was to actually work out a timeline for "Londerland Bloodlines," as the one given on the wiki feels absurdly short (and cuts out all the side quests). The way I've currently got it, it looks like Alice's Adventures In Los Angeles will stretch from October 21st, 2004, to the middle of November that same year (maybe about the 15th or so?), though I think I'm going to be adding in extra time in the story to help develop relationships and build in some extra breathing room for the characters. So, at a rough estimate, about two months.

3. Which ending did they go for? And if they're the rare Kindred who sided with Ming or LaCroix, did they somehow manage to escape their canonical fates (blown up/sunk to the bottom of the ocean)?

Alice is Independent all the way -- by the end of the game, she neither likes nor trusts practically anyone in the Kindred/ghoul community of L.A. (with four key exceptions, and one of those -- Beckett -- has already skedaddled by the end game) and just wants out. Hell, she would have left earlier if she'd gotten the chance -- she would have happily left L.A. the moment LaCroix sent her up against the Sabbat alone if said Sabbat hadn't kidnapped Lizzie and Victoria, and she would have just left straight after rescuing them and killing Andrei if she hadn't had a guilt attack about helping to get a Blood Hunt called on Nines and deciding she had to tell him about what Ming-Xiao told her. And the Cabbie is the one who talks her into taking down LaCroix and Ming-Xiao when she escapes the Blood Hunt, telling her that the only way to truly feel free is to make sure neither of them can come after her again. She is only too happy to leave the city when everything and everyone is done and dusted.

(Also, semi-related I had what I feel is a pretty awesome idea regarding why she gives LaCroix the key -- a post in the vtmb tag mentioned that anyone who had Auspex might be able to scan the sarcophagus and see there's no uber-vampire inside. The way Alice uses Auspex in her story, it functions partially as a real-life "Shrink Sense,” to fit with her madness. Maybe, at the end of the game, Alice finally uses Auspex on the sarcophagus to see what she can glean, and sees that a) there's no vampire and b) the Insane Children have drawn jack-in-the-boxes all over it, along with arrows to leave. Figuring LaCroix can suffer the disappointment of it being empty, she drops the key and heads off, not QUITE realizing WHY the kids told her to leave -- that is, until her Wonderland friends start BOOKING IT out the door when she gets down to the lobby, and she realizes those jack-in-the-boxes look like her own Jackbombs. . .)

4. How do they feel about the major power players in L.A. (LaCroix, Strauss, Smiling Jack, Nines, Isaac, Ming-Xiao, Gary)? Did their opinions of them change at any point thanks to a quest or just more time spent with them?

LaCroix: Hates him from the moment he Dominates her into leaving the Nocturne Theater instead of bothering to answer any of her questions. She's willing to keep her head down when she's around him (for fear of more Domination) up until Grout's mansion -- then she starts demanding she be paid like a proper employee, at least, and getting a lot snarkier in his presence. When the Blood Hunt on Nines was called (which involved him Dominating her AGAIN so she wouldn't warn Nines beforehand), she was about ready to gut him, and sincerely hoped there was something in that damn Sarcophagus so it would eat him. She doesn't particularly mind he got blown up in the end -- she was much more concerned for anyone else who was in the upper levels of the tower.

Strauss: She found him a little condescending, but helpful, when she first arrived in Downtown and sought him out. (Didn't think much of his poetry skills, though.) He gave her some good information on vampires around the city and the Camarilla in general, and she can't deny he paid well for helping take care of the plaguebearer situation. Her opinion of him plummets the moment she learns about his role in creating the Gargoyle, though. The idea that he kept that living, thinking being as his slave. . .not to mention, his low opinion of ghouls doesn't do much to endear him to her either.

Smiling Jack: Like Strauss, she spends most of the game thinking he's not exactly the best company, but he was helpful and gave her a hand in a very tough spot in her life. And he seems to be the most chill of the older vampires she's come across.

And then the sarcophagus explodes, Alice manages to put together the clues on who's behind it, realize he slaughtered all those people on the Elizabeth Dane and is indirectly responsible for a lot of the shit she's gone through. . .and basically exiles herself from Los Angeles forever by staking him and leaving him for the sunrise on her way out. (She is as shocked as anyone that she managed to pull it off -- she thought it would be a much worse fight!)

Nines: Alice is grateful to him for helping to save her life at her initial trial, and she likes his philosophy just fine. Unfortunately, their relationship was wrecked fairly early on by two factors:

1) Alice making a joke about the Last Round, which Nines took poorly -- Alice attempted to apologize, but Nines refused to hear it

2) Alice not liking Skelter and Damsel, both of whom immediately gave her shit for being LaCroix's "lapdog" and a Malkavian

So yeah, there was definitely some tension there. And the whole Blood Hunt mess happened, and frankly Alice is shocked Nines was willing to talk to her when she went looking for him on her way out of L.A. post-Sabbat. She sometimes wishes they'd had a chance to make up, but given that she doesn't think much of the Anarchs in general anymore. . .she's not losing sleep over their cool relationship.

Isaac: He's one of the main reasons she doesn't think much of the Anarchs in general. She thought it was pretty smart of him to have someone to direct vampires new to Hollywood to him to say hello -- up until he mentioned "tribute." That and his generally imperious attitude toward her at first means she considers him just another Prince under a different title. Learning what happened between him and Ash didn't help either -- she can understand not wanting to let someone you care about just die, more than she would admit, but he doesn't seem to have handled things well post-Embrace, given he didn't do jack shit about the hunters menacing him. (Hoping the threat would drive Ash back into his arms, perhaps?) Add in that he didn't even pay her for taking care of the Gargoyle (never mind Alice didn't actually kill it -- she still convinced it to leave), and -- yeah. She considers him everything wrong with the Anarch movement.

Ming-Xiao: Alice considered her fairly stuck-up when they first met, but really no worse than any of the regular Kindred she'd met -- and it was interesting to quiz her on how Kue-jin are different. Of course, learning that the Mandarin was on her payroll and she's actively trying to kill her lowered her opinion of her a bit. She actively avoids Ming-Xiao after the Fu Syndicate stuff, and nearly just puts her new enchanted katana straight through her when she shows up post-Sabbat. She certainly doesn't shed a tear when she has to destroy her at the end of game.

Gary: Alice thinks he's a bit of an overdramatic jerk, but she kind of enjoys matching wits with him. And at least he's more honest about being a jerk than most vampires, and keeps up his end of the bargain when she frees Barnabus, no problem. Whatever relationship they have is built upon snarking at each other, basically. :p

5. How did they handle the situation with Heather (or, if you're like me, whoever you replaced Heather with in their personal story)?

Obviously, in my world, Victor got hit by the car and got the ghouling treatment. Alice saw him lying all alone in that room and -- couldn't let him just die like that. She's utterly horrified to learn that she created an addict by doing so, and actively has Betram and Knox seek Victor out (using the Cathayan's laptop as payment) and send him her way so she can keep an eye on him and hide any Masquerade violations he may commit. Her original intent was to hold onto him until he stopped being a ghoul, then quietly set him loose, away from prying Kindred eyes. . .

. . .And then she fell in love.

Cue quite a lot of angsting over the fact that she doesn't want to lose him, but she feels so guilty about the Blood Bond and she doesn't know if Victor's feelings are actually real -- which only gets worse when Victoria and Emily join the group, as then she's like "I should let Victor be with one of them -- oh crap I like them too, what the hell Alice, years of not falling in love and now it's two mortals and a zombie." It took Mercurio explaining that his Blood Bond does not actually force him to like LaCroix, just be loyal to him, to convince her that keeping Victor -- and turning Victoria into her ghoul -- might not be as bad as she feared.

And then Victor had his prophetic dream about the Sabbat. He and Emily successfully fled the city (the "letting Heather go" branch of her mini-storyline), but Lizzie and Victoria got captured by the Sabbat and used as bait for a trap for Alice (the "Heather gets captured and killed" branch). Unlike in canon, though, Alice is able to successfully save them (with the help of Bonejangles, VV, and Bertram), and ghouls Victoria to help her heal before sending them away. They all reunite once she's done with the endgame. :)

6. More generally, how closely does their storyline stick to how you have to do things canonically? For example, in quests, did they find third options that weren't offered by the game? Are their stories affected by mods you use while playing the game?

I play with the Unofficial Plus Patch, so there's going to be some stuff from that included in my story, just because that's what I'm used to -- for example, Alice is doing the restored library quest featuring the Lasombra in her storyline. As for the main storyline itself, I'd say that, even with the character replacements and suchlike, it stays pretty much true to the game until about the time Alice hits Hollywood -- namely because I've replaced one-shot character Sam with Victoria, who has a much larger role in "Londerland Bloodlines." After that, it starts to veer off a bit more, in particular during "Italian Dinner," where Emily, Lizzie, and Bonejangles join the party --

But the most major break with canon is in the endgame. Namely, Alice decides to skip fighting her way up Venture Tower and instead climbs up the outside with the help of some climbing equipment she sources from Mercurio. :p Lacroix is more than a little surprised. XD (Though she still has to fight the bat-form of the Sheriff -- can't escape the whole boss fight, Alice!)

7. Do they have an alternate storyline/history of what might have happened had they been Embraced but not ended up the protagonist Fledgling?

I covered that a couple of weeks ago! You can read the "Mistakenly Thinned Blood" AU of the AU in detail here, but the short version is "Alice is Embraced more secretly by her sire Fish, manages to kill him post-Embrace, goes to Santa Monica, and ends up hanging out with the Thin-Bloods because everyone thinks she's one of them. Still saves Victor, meets Victoria, and rescues Lizzie, Emily, and Sam from the Giovannis, though -- and then gets out of town before the freaking-out populace who just learned what she actually is can catch up with her."

8. Is the Cabbie a) Caine, b) another Kindred who believes himself to be Caine for whatever reason, c) another Kindred playing the long con by pretending to be Caine, d) something else entirely?

He's Caine -- I like the headcanon, and the idea of him posing as a random taxi driver in L.A., looking upon all this chaos and wondering "why. why." amuses me. XD

9. How do you handle/explain away obvious "this only works in a video game" mechanics in their storyline (e.g., the inventory system that allows them to carry like seven guns and five melee weapons at once)?

With me, Alice is going to be carrying a lot fewer weapons at once -- she'll generally pick a few favorites to take with her on missions (she always has a knife on her, at least), and uses Obfuscate to truck them around invisibly when she's in crowded areas. She probably also gets a bag or backpack to carry useful things. She also goes through a lot more clothes until she gets some decent leather jackets and such -- her starting outfit is basically wrecked by the tutorial mission, leading to LaCroix's agents having to buy her a new dress before she can pick up her things and go to her new haven in Santa Monica. (I have decided to make it Symbolic by having her wear the modern equivalent of her London outfit from A:MR when she gets Embraced, and the outfit being destroyed representing her change from human to vampire.)

10. How do you explain why the Fledgling is so ridiculously overpowered when compared to most other vampires their age (beyond the fact that they're likely 8th generation, going by their blood pool)?

My personal explanation, which might come up in the final conversation Alice has with Caine in the cab, is that some people in this universe are born with great supernatural potential, for whatever reason, and Alice is one of them. There's just something about her that lends itself well to being a supernatural creature -- and a powerful one at that. If she'd been from a werewolf line, she would have been an amazing werewolf; if she had awakened as a mage, she would have been a super-talented mage. As she was Embraced, she gets to be a terrifyingly strong vampire. Alice personally considers this a pretty shitty "chosen one" status, but she can't deny she liked getting really good at Obfuscate really fast!

[eldritchsurveys]

358.

What was the brand of your first ever cell phone? >> Kyocera. (Is that brand even still around...?) What are your 3 favorite internet sites? >> I don’t know. tumblr’s pretty cool. Do you have a favorite pair of blue jeans? Describe them. >> I only have one pair of blue jeans. They’re... just jeans, I don’t know what to describe. What profession do you respect? >> I can’t think of a profession I don’t respect for some reason or another. Have you ever been the recipient of a practical joke? >> No.

Have you ever ate something you’ve dropped on the floor, if so what? >> Probably, but it’s not something I generally do (especially nowadays). Would you consider being an Uber driver if you needed to make extra money? >> I can’t even drive, dude. How do you know when you’re in love, what’s the main sign? >> I remember when the situation with Wednesday resolved, and for like a week afterwards I would randomly remember that he existed and would feel pretty happy about it for a few minutes. And I literally was like, “omg, is this what people are talking about when they talk about being ‘in love’???” at Can Calah lmao. The moral of that story is that I have no idea what being “in love” means and I often labour under the suspicion that people are just exaggerating or something. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? >> Yeah, I’ve had everything from t-shirts to towels to a copy of Watchmen autographed (the person who autographed the copy of Watchmen was in no way related to that book, I just had no other paper products on me lmao), by various musicians. I don’t have any of those autographs anymore, because I ceased to find them valuable in any way. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? >> I prefer Target. What do you long for? >> I’m good with language but not good enough to put this into words. If you could be a personal assistant to anyone, who would it be? >> No. What is the most important thing you can do to improve yourself? >> Me, personally? Not put so much energy into “self-improvement” that I completely lose sight of what I actually want out of life and what kind of person I actually want to be. Everyone’s got a million opinions about how other people should live their lives, but frankly, none of them are living mine, so. Maybe I’m happy the way I am. Maybe self-improvement is a thing that happens organically and I don’t need to be constantly “working at it” like it’s a fucking race or something. Everything’s self-change, bitch, let’s eat some fruit. What makes it hard for you to keep your focus? >> Having a brain that sometimes finds it difficult to focus on things for various reasons. Do you think society has become too PC (politically correct)? >> I think it really doesn’t even matter anymore. Things will go the way they’ll go and I don’t need to be involved. What tragic love story do you relate to? >> I’m still looking for one. Has your intuition or “gut” served you well? >> More or less, I guess. What’s the longest you’ve ever waited in line for something and what was it? >> I don’t remember. Who is your favorite model? >> --- What have you done that is out of character for you? >> LOL nothing is out of character for me. I’m not that kind of character. Would you rather get a gift card or a gift that someone bought for you? >> Either is fine, but I’d rather someone get me a gift card than something I’m not going to have any use for. Who is the most visionary person in your life & how do they inspire you? >> What. How do you handle a betrayal? >> I don’t even know what a betrayal feels like.  What do you feel strong enough to protest about? >> Nothing. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? >> --- If you owned a restaurant what kind of food do you want to serve? >> I wouldn’t want to own a restaurant. What will we find if we look in the bottom of your closet today? >> I don’t use the closet. What kind of car did you learn how to drive on? >> --- What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? >> Continued to live my life the way I do. Have you ever had to go to court or testify and if so what for? >> No. Do you believe in karma? >> No. Are you more worried about doing the things right, or doing the right thing? >> I’m honestly not all that concerned about either. Do you believe in the term “Mother knows best?” >> It doesn’t apply to me or my life experience at all, so. Who is your favorite movie action hero? >> *shrug* What is one thing you can get in your hometown you can’t get elsewhere? >> --- How important are looks in someone you’re in a relationship with? >> Important enough, I guess. I don’t think I’d have a good relationship with someone if I can’t even stand to look at them. What freedom do you feel is not really free anymore? >> *shrug* ???? What are you most thankful for? >> The internet. LOL Do you have any favorite talk shows or talk radio programs without music? >> No. What was the last book you read? >> The last book I finished is Factfulness. What’s your favorite online store? >> I don’t have one. What band would you love to tour with or be a roadie for? >> I’ve entertained the idea of being a stage tech or something like that, but that’s an extremely impractical and stressful kind of life for someone like me for several reasons.  If you were to throw a message in a bottle into the ocean, it would say? >> I wouldn’t. Do you have common sense or do you think people are lacking in it? >> I don’t believe in the concept of common sense in the first place. I think people learn stuff and it becomes so practical and useful in their life that they assume that everyone else knows and applies that same knowledge, but that’s not necessarily true. What’s your favorite non-alcoholic drink? >> Jasmine green tea, apparently, considering how much of it I could drink in a day if left to my own devices. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? >> I like the idea of them, but in reality I find them too disorganised and overwhelming for my needs. What do you like to put gravy on? >> Biscuits and gravy is the only gravy-related thing I like. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? >> No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? >> When I think about how much I’ve gone through and how it could have made me worse off, but none of it did. I really do feel as though I am stronger for my trials, so that kind of rhetoric definitely applies to me. What is priceless to you? >> Nothing, I guess. What do you wait for discount sales to buy? >> Video games, oftentimes. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? >> --- What 3 songs will always be found at the top of your playlist? >> --- What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done for someone? >> I consider some of the leeway I’ve given to people in relationships to be crazy as fuck. Like, people have done and said some flagrant shit to me and I just fucking let them, lmao. And I’m not just talking about in the distant past, I mean just as recently as last fucking year. What kind of madness is that? I hope I’ve learned my lesson, at least.  Do you keep a budget? >> Not a formal one, no. I don’t have many issues with keeping a vague mental record of how much money I’m spending and how much I can afford to spend.  If you could cast a spell on someone what spell would you cast and on who? >> I don’t want to cast spells on people. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? >> A good sleep, I guess. What is the funniest joke you have ever heard about? >> --- Who depends on you the most? >> I guess Sparrow depends on me for certain specific things, like my memory lmao. But nothing too big. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? >> I doubt it. Has one of your biggest fears come true? >> No. Is there anything about the opposite sex you just don’t understand? >> --- Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? >> --- Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? >> No. If so, what were two things you wanted? >> --- Have you ever ridden on a subway or train an what did you like about it? >> Yep. What I like about the subway is how extensive it is, and the fact that it runs 24/7/365 (although *insert 50 salty memes about MTA service delays and interruptions here*). I miss it a lot, despite its many not-so-awesome features. What song on your playlist gets played the most? >> --- Have you ever received a harsher punishment than you deserved? >> Sure. Do you prefer sporty or academic members of the opposite sex? >> --- Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? >> Yeah, doing or feeling or experiencing something myself is the easiest and most reliable way for me to fully grok it. Has anyone in your family ever served in the military? >> --- Finish the next line in your style: Roses are red, violets are blue… >> --- What embarrasses you instantly? >> --- Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? >> No, because 1) I really don’t want to be one, so jot that down, Do you often read your horoscope? >> No. What current event are you tired of hearing about? >> Literally all of them, to be honest. Not necessarily because people are being obnoxious about them or anything, but just because I don’t care nearly as much as the average person does. Are you a daredevil? >> No. What common pitfalls do you find yourself dealing with in your work life? >> --- Describe your “poker face”. >> Er. What do you think should be censored? >> Personally, I don’t want anything in my purview censored. But I don’t speak for all of society, and I don’t believe I should, either. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? >> I wouldn’t know even if I was. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? >> Maybe, but I’d rather just never be faced with that decision. How do you encourage yourself when you go through hard times? >> I remind myself that they’re temporary and I do shit that I enjoy. Have you ever fired a gun? >> No. Do you think people, including yourself live up to their full potential? >> I don’t believe in this “full potential” nonsense. It usually sounds like code for “how I believe a person should be”, and if that’s what you mean, then at least have the stones to say it. How are you different from most people? >> I’m not different from “most people”. That feeling is just the human brain being a human brain and forgetting how mind-numbingly common most experiences are once you widen your perspective. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? >> The ability to admit to one’s mistakes and learn from them. Because you’re going to make them. A lot of them. Doesn’t matter who you are or how many books or mommy blogs you read or how many other children you’ve had or what you think you know, you’re going to make. a lot. of mistakes. And if you can’t get used to that and do your best to learn from them without punishing yourself or placing blame or getting obsessed, then you’re going to do a lot more damage than good. What creature do you admire for its ability to adapt? >> Humans. How do you feel about GMOs? >> I think the whole process is interesting, and I think there are clear benefits to genetic modification, and I think there are clear detriments to genetic modification, and that’s just how it goes. Have you ever stayed up for an entire 24 hours, why? >> Yeah. Because I was on stimulants. Who is a female role model in your life? >> --- What childhood dreams have you neglected? >> --- How often do you reevaluate your life? >> Eh, not often. It doesn’t require a whole lot of scrutiny, to be honest. What’s your favorite place just to hang out? >> My room, lol. What gives you a zest for life? >> Lemons. *rimshot* What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? >> Hmm. I don’t know, man, I think I’m pretty good at visualisation. What three things do you think of most of each day? >> I don’t know. Would you travel to space if possible? >> I sure would love to... Name a famous person you wouldn’t mind for a business partner. >> No.  

[circa1889]

200 Miles into the Deep

That night around the camp fire I am avoiding the men who are eying me, scanning my clothes, my posture, when John finally poses a direct question, “How does it feel to be the only straight guy here this weekend?” They are looking and beginning to recalibrate their detectors toward the new knowledge that yes I am straight, and yes I am participating in their 200 mile AIDS benefit bike ride, and yes I had glanced a number of times at their padded cycling shorts but only to read the brand names and admire their team colors. I am a cyclist, obsessively so. Brand and color ways are our Pinot and Cabernet. 

“I suppose it feels like every other day being me.” 

My need to participate in a monumental and awe-inspiring ride had lead me here. Perhaps I was over my head again. Here’s the thing-

I cycle because riding a bicycle is the closest I come to reliving my childhood in a way that does not annoy or upset the other adults around me. My sister had a kid and I watch them at play, clawing at dirt piles, squealing on a trampoline, talking in that baby talk, you know the one. Parents should be exiled to some Parent Island and reintroduced back into society very slowly, maybe after having taken some classes, brushed up on their etiquette, gotten back up to speed on, for example, how to maintain the quiet in a retail store or a restaurant.

Perhaps it is the quality of air that I love about cycling, or the quantity of air moving over my skin. Perhaps it is the speed, or the riding companions I have met. More than likely though what I love are the distances, the peril of venturing out too far and risking the safety of your return trip home. I imagine ocean swimmers face similar trials when heading out into the deeper waters. There is a moment, far away from shore that a true decision about yourself, your life, your security must be faced. The decision is whether or not to stay within a safe distance of the shore, or to continue wading out into broader and lower waters. In the saddle the decision is whether to stay within walking distance of home, bus distance from the city, Ubering distance from any civilization at all. For my friends and me, we bury ourselves in the miles. Because the moment you are a kilometer too far gone, it may as well be two hundred kilometers or more. For us there is a freedom out beyond the point of no return, so we pedal, so we swim. And my friends are there to help guide, support, challenge me, make me feel less abandoned out there in the wild, in the deep.

Marshmallows, crackers, and two pronged metal rods were being handed out around the fire. The topic of discussion had already changed away from me and towards a deliberation about the next 100 miles tomorrow, 5 a.m. 

A man to my right twirled his mallows upon the licks of orange fire. He leaned toward me and whispered, as if it were a secret, that I was in fact not alone on this journey, that I was not the only one.

[henry-hart]

The Secret Gets Out s1 ep3

Some quality Charlotte in this ep. Yay!!!!

ooh I know what happens in this one :))))

yay for that bb chenry content

Jasper just taking over the tv screen when c x h won’t watch his clip ajsklsj same

“CM’s big fail” man they do not go gentle with these video titles. really going for the throat

“Hey, look! My bellybutton!” Hen, sweetie. You need to work on your distractions 

Ray looks hella good. just saying. ;)

poor CM. his face when the news lady says, “once again escaping capture from CM.” HE’S TRYING, LADY.

“CM, isn’t it true that the phone shark has been attacking ppl’s phones for over a year now?” “Uh, yes that is true.” askjlk y does he sound like he’s on trial???

“So why don’t you catch him?” “Well, KD and I have been trying.” “But you keep failing. Doesn’t that bug you?” “Yes.” we always talk about Hen’s sass, but Ray has his snarky moments

AJSLKSLKJ JASPER BAD-MOUTHING KD AND HEN JUST STOPS DRINKING HIS DRINK AND IS LIKE, “One more time???” like, the pg version of “tf did you just say???”

“Just saying, I’d be way better at catching bad guys than KD.” “You couldn’t catch butt warts!!!!” Hen u couldn’t be anymore obvious if you tried aksljsjksjl 

“Why are you getting all mad?” “Because Jasper’s being unfair, and I think it’s unfair to criticize m--that...that KD guy when he’s probably doing the best he can. And people should be fair. Fairness. I’m pro-fair.” THAT’S RIGHT BB. U DEFEND YOURSELF. YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST AND I AM PROUD OF U 

his lil pouty face after he gives his little speech is TOO CUTE

can I just say, once again, s1 Hen is the cutest thing ever 

@jace how were u this cute at 13??? I didn’t even look human when i was that age aksjlksj

[MY DRAMATIC DAUGHTER, ENTER STAGE RIGHT]

Pipes blackmailing Jasp with that cup song video alksjslksj (no wonder her parents assumed it was her who was arrested in that xmas ep lolol)

“I NEVER DID THAT!!!! Why would I do that? I NEVER DID THAT!!!!”

Pipes just shoved Hen out the way to sit on the couch aksljslk

Henry didn’t put up much of a fight against Piper in these earlier eps (I mean, when does he ever anyway lol).

jasp....i love u...but...that video is really cringey....

Hen telling Pipes not to put the video on line :)))) my sweet son :)))))

Piper mocking Jasper in the video alkjlsk 

“Why does your watch beep like that?” “It means they need me at work....bye!” “Wait! It’s Sunday. Junk ‘n Stuff is closed on Sunday.” “Right....I better go tell the customers.” Henry you are a terrible liar

which is expected bc he’s sweet and a mess. not a combo that makes for a skilled liar alkjslkj

“There is something up with that boy.” YAS CHARLOTTE YAS my smart/observant daughter (tho hen does make it easy with his crap excuses lolol)

“I’m so tired.” “Oh, quit whining. It was only 4 miles.” “Yeah, 4 miles there and 4 miles back!” ajkjslk poor J

“Uuuggghhh I’m gonna die.” “NOT in the house! If you’re gonna die, do it outside!” Piper does not care. at all. 

so, what??? Char’s just been chillin in Hen’s room in the dark waiting for him to sneak back in??? lolol

poor hen had a mini heart attack ajklksj

Char clearly knows. she’s just asking all those questions to hear Hen’s bs lolol

“I like your shirt.” nice try hen. it’s not working, but nice try.

Char really covered all the bases. she called the store to see if Hen was really there. girl doesn’t mess around when she’s figuring something out. r.e.s.p.e.c.t.

“You wanna know the truth? I’m a jazz musician. I don’t tell a lot of people, but secretly, I play jazz. A-a-and the only time the jazz clubs are open is late at night.” Hen...who taught you how to lie????

God, P x H are such antipodes. You have one sibling who blackmails others with embarrassing secrets to get what they want and then you have the other sibling who can’t come up with a better lie than “I play jazz late at night” aksjslk

“That’s where I was---at a jazz club. Blowing jazz. On mah horn.” i love the way he says this lol

“That’s because YOU’RE Kid Danger!” and a hush falls over the room...

Hen, make as many weird noises and mock being KD all you want. It’s not working. aksjlskj

you know, even if Char wasn’t an uber smart cookie, hen makes it unbelievably easy to figure out

“And I guess you must be Beyonce.” AJKSJKSLJ AN ICONIC HENRY LINE TO PUT IN THE BOOKS, GUYS.

“Okay, this is really big, what I’m about to tell you.” “What? That you’re KD?” “Shuuut UUUuuuUUUpppp!” akljslkj

“I’m KD.” “I know. I figured that out.” CHARLOTTE YOU ARE MY QUEEN

“I swear I’m never gonna tell anyone.” “Thanks.” “Can I tell Jasper???” “Wha---NOOOOOO!!!!”

I love the way he says this in his lil 13 yr old squeaky voice aksjlsksj 

also Char wanting to include J from the get-go :’))))

Ray was so light and cheerful in this season. he’s all “Henry, I didn’t know you were working today. Did I butt-beep you???” whereas now he’s all “YoU cAn’T bE sIcK. yOu’Re ObViOuSlY lYiNg To Me!!!!” ugh

:(((( you can tell Hen is having a hard time telling Ray that Char knows

props to him tho. i would’ve put if off until it eventually just came out at the worst time possible jakjslskj

“Can I talk to you about something?” “Uhhhh....babies come from the baby store!!!” oh Ray

“What’d you tell her?” “That I am KD.” “Ohhhh.” “You’re not mad, are you?” “No, I’m not mad.” “Oh, good.” “You’re fired.” jkalsjlk RAY YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TERRIBLE HE IS AT LYING. IT WOULD’VE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE IF HE KEPT UP THE LIE

also Hen’s face is causing me pain. he’s so sad :((((

Ray’s being so serious....I’m not used to this. 

“When trust is broken, it can never be fixed.” “Yes it can!” “Read this fortune cookie.” “’When trust is broken, it can never be fixed’....” “Let’s not argue with the Chinese.” aksjslk 

also Ray is really that next level extra. he has fortune cookies to prove his point lolol a legend

Henry listening to jazz and downing a bottle of chocolate syrup alksjslk is this the pg version of drowning your woes in alcohol???

“You’re not gonna find the answer at the bottom of a bottle of chocolate.” *takes bottle away* *Hen takes out a second bottle* “I won’t know if I don’t look.” 

my poor bb. he really thinks he’s a lousy KD

I WANT TO HUG HIM THRU MY LAPTOP SCREEN.

HEN YOU SAVED CM ON YOUR SECOND DAY ON THE JOB. YOU ARE A GREAT KD. 

klajdkl Henry singing a sad version of the cup song

they played a cheering sound effect while he sang omg

(I remember watching a vid where Jace said he doesn’t sing and it’s “probably for the best.” aksjslkjs)

classic pouty/depressed hen laying on his couch. :((((

it’s kind of playing tricks on my mind bc i remember when he did that after he couldn’t defeat Drex, but he looked SOOOO much older in that ep lolol

Jasp having to do Piper’s chores lol

“Henry, come to the Swellview Park right now.” “Nooooo. I’m not in the mood for trees.” jaklsj it be like that sometimes

Piper: “AHHHHH!!!! HEN-RYYYY!!!” Henry: *sighs like ‘here we go again’* akjslk

I LOVE THESE PIPER X HENRY INTERACTIONS (even if it’s her yelling at him lolol)

“Is that makeup on your face???” jokes on you, Hen. you’re all wearing makeup.

i love the faces Hen makes while Piper yells. they’re great

gotta hand it to Ella. she was really committed to this part

“To a club with mah gurlsss.” PIPER NO

“Club 11″ god can u imagine a whole place dedicated to 10-11 yr olds??? i have siblings that age and it’s the worst. possible. age. ever. 

I don’t even understand them most the time. you think i would be able to considering how in tune I am with my kid side, but the stuff they do/say/like is lost on me

sorry for that sidebar

okay, Piper has a fake ID??? a fake license, a fake ID. HOW R U AND HEN EVEN RELATED???

Hen’s out here fighting crime while his lil sis is committing them akljsslkj

I love Hen’s overall indifference??? Like, he’s just like “you better hope mom doesn’t find out” he’s not threatening to tell on her. he just like “not my problem”

even when she’s yelling at him he’s like “whatever. i gotta go.” ajlskjlk I love him

j now has blackmail of his own. oh, how the tables have turned. 

“THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!!!” NEITHER IS YOU TRYING TO GET INTO CLUBS UNDERAGE, PIPER!!!!!

Char is so awesome. instead of just feeling bad about getting hen fired, she’s out her actively trying to help him out, and she’s not doing it for him. she’s just guiding him. she leaves all the redeeming to him. what a stand up character. wow. i lover her. 

wedding crashers chenry style aljksjsl

duh it looks like the phone shark, hen. HE HAS METAL TEETH.

“Now go do CM a favor and catch the phone shark.....Kid Danger.” I squealed. we love supportive bffs here

Hen’s got that pep back in his step 

“What up with the gum?” aksjlsklsj 

OKAY ABOUT THIS GUM THING

I thought Schwoz made the gum???? If he did, then how does Hen have a tube with his own gum for his costume??? Ray and Schwoz are estranged at this point in the show. Schwoz doesn’t even know Ray has a sidekick let alone who Hen is, so how??? does he??? have it????

are they trying to tell me Ray made it???

i love him, but no. 

maybe Gooch??? 

I don’t know

“In sickness and in health, in fitness and obesity, as long as you both can stand it.” these wedding vows are more accurate than the traditional ones, honestly

Henry. looks. so. cute. in. his. lil. costume. like. a. baby. duck. trying. to. be. a. superhero. :)))))

okay, so phone shark guy bites phones, but why??? like, does he eat them, or does he just enjoy biting them??

homeboy is looking at hen’s phone like it’s a whole snack....so he does eat them???

i need to know. 

“Mmmmmm gotta love that new phone smeeEEeeellll.” akjslkj jace was so goofy in the earlier seasons

Charlotte......y do u have binoculars??? this is all happening ten feet in front of you.....???

HEN JUST JUMPED ON THE BACK OF A MAN WITH METAL TEETH. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYONE DISSING HIM AS A SIDEKICK OR ANYTHING ELSE. 

omg the phone shark spun hen and his feet clocked the bride in the face ajklsjlksj

yo wedding gifts are expensive af and Hen just made the phone shark wreck all of them lolol oops

EVERYONE IS CHEERING FOR KD. YAS. YAS. YAS. GIVE HIM THE RECOGNITION HE DESERVES. 

omg Hen’s lil celebration dance is so cute :))))

he. gave. CM. all. the. credit. can. u. believe. my. son. is. such. a. good. person.

“It was really my boss, CM.” “Interesting. Can you tell us more?” “.....No....” lololol

Ray’s all “you gave me all the credit” in this awed voice DAWWWWWW

y is he suited up as CM tho???

“Well everyone’s been giving you a hard time about catching the phone shark. I figured I’d help you out.” YA’LL I AM SOBBING. THIS IS THE SWEETEST BOY.OL

“Uhhhhh excuse me? I’m the one who found the phone shark.” 

TELL. THEM. CHARLOTTE. Like, who are you to go giving credit??? I’m the one who found him???

Ray doing one of those full body groans that he always does. dramatique

“Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte. What am I going to do with you?” “I think it’s pretty obvious: give me a job here! You guys need me.” GIRL YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT.

srsly how many times does Char save their a**es??? too many times to count. hiring her is one of the best things you’ll ever do, Ray.

HENRY IS SUCH A LIL BEAN COMPARED TO`RAY. LIKE, THEY’RE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER, BOTH WEARING THEIR SUPER SUITS, AND JUST---HENRY. IS. SO. TINY. O. M. G.

Char explaining how she found the phone shark and making it clear how obvious her thought process was while Ray x Hen are just like “.....”

“I called some dentists...” “We should’ve called some dentist!” “We totally should’ve!” “Then I went online...” “We should’ve gone online!” “What is wrong with us???”

they feel so dumb for not thinking of cheCKING DENTAL RECORDS FOR SOMEONE WITH METAL TEETH. HONESTLY YOU TWO. HOW HAVE YOU GOTTEN THIS FAR????

if it wasn’t obvious before that you need Char, is pretty obvious now. 

“Off to my cousin’s wedding. Hope they serve phones for dessert. LOL.” “She’s good.” “She is.” COME ON GUYS. I AGREE, CHAR IS GOOD, BUT HOW DO YOU NOT PIECE ALL THAT OBVIOUSNESS TOGETHER????

Honestly, Ray getting a younger sidekick makes the most sense to me because can u imagine Ray trying to navigate social media??? or going through the internet like char did??? or hacking into anything??? No.

dude needed some gen z kids to help him out with the modern world aljskljs

“She could really help us out around here.” YOU AIN’T LYING.

“Us???” “Oh, right....you fired me.” “Well you broke the oath.” he sounds like such a pouty manchild akjslkjskj

wow hen ur already on a first name basis with your boss

i don’t know why i’m just pointing this out

homeboy was calling him Ray within a few hours ajlkjsklsj

Hen was so happy when Ray hired him back :))))))

DAWWWW HEN X RAY JUST SHARED THE CUTEST HUG!!!!!!!!

Char: “Cough cough cough.” lolol

“What are you going to do about Charlotte???” “UUUuuuuuUUUggggGGGhhhHHH well, she knows you’re KD. She knows who I am. She knows where the Man Cave is because you brought her down here!” I laughed so hard here. poor Hen was too excited about his job well done so he just took Char into their super secret hideout akljslk

“Sooooooo what does that mean?” “That we either have to kill you, erase your brain, or give you a job.”

REALLY RAY. REALLY. YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR SIDEKICK’S TRUSTWORTHY BFF SPILLING YOUR SECRET, BUT WHEN A VILLAIN. WHO. WANTS. TO. DESTROY. YOU!!!!! ESCAPES WITH BOTH YOUR IDENTITIES, YOU JUST LET HER GO???? YOU NEVER TRY TO FIND HER AGAIN???? TF?????

“I vote job.” “We can really erase her brain???” “Dude!” cuties

“Alright, she can have a job here--” *C x H celebrate* “--IF--” *C x H jump* “--she can pass the pickle test.” *C x H share similar ‘tf???’ expressions* 

BORK!!! MY MAN!!!! (i just realized Gooch wasn’t in this one)

I wish they’d give Bork more of a role. :( they just have him kind of....grunt....and that’s all.

I do like in the green finger ep where he just dumps Ray out of the shopping cart though bc same jkajlskjl (Ray was being such a baby in that ep and I would’ve done the same)

“You have to prove you’re clever enough to work for CM.” “I found the phone shark.” “Well anyone could do that.” “Not you two.” “Well, you know what--” “Okay, let’s not go there.” aksjdlkj

not gonna lie, when Ray was like, “get the pickle out” the first thing I thought of--before Char did it--was to just break the jar alkjslksj great minds think alike, Char ;)))

“How much time does she have?” “Exactly five min--” *shatters the jar* “Here’s your pickle.”

“That was Bork’s favorite jar.” pfffff

“So, wait, is Charlotte hired???” “Yeah....yeah she’s hired.”

they’re little celebratory high-five was too. cute. 

i love my smol happy bbs

Henry being all excited to show her the tubes :)))))

“Hug me.” *side-eyes him* “Just trust meee.” CLASSIC CHENRY MOMENT AJLKSJLSKJ

BORK COMING BACK TO GET HIS JAR AND SEEING IT BROKEN AJKLSJSLK THAT DRAMATIC LOOK OFF INTO THE DISTANCE WHILE A SINGLE TEAR FALLS DOWN HIS CHEEK. GET THIS MAN AN OSCAR ALKJLSKJ

Piper scrubbing J’s feet lolol that’s karma, P.

another wholesome episode that left me all smiley and happy :)))))

i love early Henry. he was such a little cutie who was excited about everything

there was some GREAT Char content this ep---she was one of the biggest parts

<3333

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds S07E01 “It Takes a Village” review - or more aptly named, PAGET BREWSTER AND AJ COOK! <3

Episode 01 – It Takes a Village

Hey everyone!

So I’m uber excited about this season!

So without any further ado ...

Let’s see what happens!

Wait. Why are my honeys on trial? What’s going on here?

“Three and a half months, sir.”

“Agents Rossi, Morgan and I were there with our technical analyst Penelope Garcia.”

“Seventeen, sir.”

They solved seventeen cases over three and a half months? DAMN.

“Thank you.”

“Why aren’t we in there?”

“They’re just trying to intimidate us.”

“Well, that’s not about to happen.”

“I’m not okay with this.”

“You may not even be a witness.”

“Sir, I’m not worried about me.”

“Don’t they have anything better to do than …”

“Baby girl, this is just what they do?”

“Anything?”

“It doesn’t look good.”

Well, shit!

“How long is she gonna be there?”

“It required a lot of detail.”

“We didn’t have time, sir. Once the subject was confirmed, we had to act quickly.”

“Don’t take the shot!”

“Don’t shoot!”

“I got him!”

“Yes. We put an international criminal with terrorist connections in federal custody.”

Yeah, baby.

Queen Elizabeth: “The past cannot be cured.”

“No one could locate Doyle, except Agent Morgan.”

“After hiding dead ends in that world, Agent Morgan put himself in Doyle’s shoes and knew that he would be looking for his son, Declan.”

“Okay, Emily needed to get Declan a new identity. So she must have used someone she trusted.”

“All right, well, that’s a short list, but it’s probably not even written down.”

“Even if it was, she’d had contacts all over the world.”

“Oh, tell me about it. Two columns – domestic and imports.”

“Hey. You guys seen Spence?”

“He’s at the firing range.”

“Again?”

“Ever since Prentiss died, he …”

“Right.”

“Uh … did you guys just get a new case?”

“It’s just an old one.”

“Do you want some fresh eyes?

“Not just yet.”

“Okay. Um, well, let me know.”

“Shouldn’t we tell her?”

“Garcia, this has been a long shot for six months. Why get her hopes up?”

“What about Hotch?”

“He knows I’m doing this.”

“He does?”

“Not technically, but he knows I’m not about to let Doyle roam free.”

“Does he know we’re looking for Declan?”

“I just figured I’d call him when I have something to report.”

“Okay.”

“But it feels weird not sharing.”

“Baby girl. You don’t have to do this.”

“I know.”

I love how loyal and protective my puppy is.

“Ian Doyle wasn’t at the top of anyone’s list, Senator.”

“I’m thinking domestic contacts. Em was already in the states when she faked Declan’s death, so … Her associates must be in Boston?”

“No, Garcia, she would have covered her tracks better than that.”

“All right, why did Prentiss join the BAU?”

“To have a normal life.”

“She could have gone anywhere with her skill set, but she chose DC.”

“Maybe to be close to her mom?”

“No. No way. That was just by default.”

“Garcia, she did all of this to protect a child.”

“Right. So you’re saying she came here just so she could be close to the kid.”

“And if she did, she probably had people she could trust living right here.”

“Right. So domestic contacts.”

“There are surprising few in our nation’s capital. One of which is dead.”

“Ben Corelli.”

“He was the forger. Doyle killed him and Prentiss’s friend. He worked out of his apartment, remember?”

“Yeah. And we processed his belongings.”

“Thanks.”

“This would have been a heck of a lot easier had he gone digital.”

“Garcia, there’s an art to all of this. This guy was meticulous. Definite control freak.”

“Yet he’s dead. He couldn’t control that.”

“There can’t be a lot of IDs for children.”

“Actually, you’d be surprised.”

“Okay, wait a minute. Didn’t Prentiss live in Reston, Virginia, for a while?”

“Yeah. Before we knew her, she rented a big house in a cul-de-sac.”

“Okay, why would she live way out there.”

“To be close to Declan.”

“Who had blond hair and blue eyes.”

“Well, I’m sure they’ve changed his hair color by now.”

“Yeah, but you can’t change those cerulean blues.”

Aww.

“Okay, here’s the nanny.”

“Garcia, she still lives in Virginia.”

“Here’s all I got. Declan’s going to a boarding school in Stafford County. His nanny lives five minutes from campus. All signs point to a really well-adjusted kid. He’s an honor student. He’s playing lacrosse. He’s winning science fairs. It looks like he’s got the life Emily wanted for him.”

Surveillance Derek is hot.

“I knew if I could find him, it was only a matter of time before Doyle did.”

“When I wasn’t in the field, I was there.”

“I set up pole cameras for surveillance.”

“Senator, I needed to protect this child because I knew Doyle would find him eventually.”

“Lock down security on his son and then move in on Doyle.”

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God.”

Why is my baby freaking out?

“It’s him. I’m pretty sure it’s him.”

“It’s blurry and, you know, he’s not like posing for the camera or anything like that, but you said he’d come and see and it’s been a while and now he’s here and –”

“Garcia, Garcia, calm down. Let me take a look.”

How dare they put my goddess on the stand? Well, on the bench ... but still.

“What? No, it doesn’t work that way, sir.”

“Agent Morgan called Hotch – excuse me, our unit chief, When the team downsized, he was assigned to lead an investigative task force.”

Wait. So everything went to shit because of fucking money? God, I hate this world.

“Hotchner.”

“Hey, it’s me. How’s it going out there?”

Out where? Where the fuck is Hotch right now?

“You know, long days, some territorial issues to work out. Nothing surprising. How’s everything there?”

“Hotch, we found Declan Doyle.”

“What?”

Ooh, my puppy is in trouble.

“I’ve had surveillance at his house and his school for a few weeks.”

“Morgan, I didn’t authorize this.”

Whoop.

“I know you didn’t, Hotch, but listen to me. I think Doyle may have found Declan, too.”

“All right, I’m coming back.”

“You want me to wait?”

“Morgan, it could be a trap. You make sure you have eyes on Doyle.”

Oh dear.

“And if it is him?”

“Then you take the shot.”

WHAT?

“Hey, Spence.”

“I can’t find him.”

Uh-oh.

“What do you mean, you can’t find him?”

“The headmistress said Declan got sick and went home.”

“Okay, uh, call for back up and get to the house.”

“We’re already here.”

“You see the agents?”

“The lights are off. I’ll call you back.”

“What – Reid!”

“I’ll check the back. You take the hallway.”

“Must be the nanny.”

“Three bodies and no kid. Doyle’s got him.”

“The squad car that went by got Doyle’s attention.”

“You see that?”

“I’ve got movement.”

“He’s in there.”

“He’s going to the roof. JJ, cover the back stairs.”

“He deserved the same beating he gave Prentiss, but I did not unleash that on him, Senator.”

Ooh, Doyle is in trouble now.

“Have you ever been in the field?”

Oh, Rossi burn!

“Then maybe you can imagine what it was like for Agent Morgan to find Emily Prentiss dying … at the hands of Ian Doyle.”

“Now ask yourself … was it wrong for him to want to take that man out?”

“Doyle, where’s Declan?”

“Where is Declan right now?”

“You expect me to believe you had nothing to do with his abduction?”

“Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I am not playing games with you.”

“If you care about anybody other than yourself, you’ll give me a list of who would have done this.”

“You tell me.”

“Someone does.”

“Because when we followed you to that little rat trap, somebody took him from his house.”

“Somebody else was watching you, Doyle. Now tell me who.”

“Your son is missing. So think.”

“The night he killed Prentiss in Boston. He refused to believe Doyle just vanished.”

I hate Strauss.

“Why are you surprised?”

“He seems genuine.”

“See his carotid? His heart started racing when Morgan told him about Declan.”

“Damn it.”

Huh?

“Rossi, it’s me. I just see one ninja-like guy.”

“Yeah, he came out of nowhere, you sure?”

“And just clipped the camera.”

“I’m sorry.”

Crap.

“Don’t worry, Garcia. You were busy looking for Doyle.”

I love papa Rossi.

“She didn’t see a team on the footage. This was well-organized.”

“One could have cut the camera while the other started in here.”

“So they cut off the power, but no signs of forced entry.”

“So how do you overpower two armed agents?”

“A male and a female.”

“Maybe whoever did this posed at the next shift?”

“Make sense. Everything about them seems efficient.”

“Except they took the time to shove her in the closet.”

“Only Declan and the caregiver live here, so whose stuff is this?”

“You still think Doyle’s behind this?”

Oh God, someone bonk Strauss on the head.

“He’s capable of a lot of things, but being two places at once isn’t one of them.”

“Doyle, I’m gonna ask you one last time … who hates you long enough to take him?”

“Six hours.”

“That’s not about to happen.”

“He didn’t do it.”

“No.”

“He’s on his way.”

“What have you got?”

“Got a top-ten list of Doyle’s enemies.”

“Anybody recently in the states?”

“Richard Gerace’s been here a few weeks. He’s a low-level gun-runner who angrily crossed paths with Doyle. I caught an image of him on the surveillance camera at Declan’s house, confirmed it was him through a scar on his neck.”

“All right. Get me everything you can on Gerace.”

“Yeah. What I just told you is everything I’ve got.”

“Well, that’s a good look.”

“How was the desert?”

I LOVE ROSSI!

“Hot.”

“You seen Jack yet?”

“No. Jessica took him to Hershey Park for the weekend.”

“Well, he’ll love that beard.”

“Yeah, we Skyped every day. He’s not a fan.”

I LOVE HOTCH!

Whoop.

“Doyle, do you consider Richard Gerace an enemy?”

“Tell me about him.”

“Whose problem was he?”

“Why not?”

“That’s correct, sir.”

I don’t know why Jack didn’t like it, the beard was an improvement.

“Hey, Got your message.”

“It’s time.”

Time for what?

“Why? Morgan may be able to break Doyle without her.”

“Declan tried to make a call. She’s on the way.”

“All right.”

“I’ll get Morgan.”

“I’ll tell the others.”

TELL THEM WHAT?

“You get anywhere with Doyle?”

“Doyle doesn’t think Gerace had the guts to take them on. But that’s definitely Gerace on the tape.”

“Welcome back.”

“Thanks. Everyone have a seat.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Everything’s all right?”

“Seven months ago I made a decision that affected this team.”

“As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her.”

WHAT?

“And she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration.”

Wait. WHAT now?

“Her identity was strictly need-to-know. And she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.”

WHAT!

“She’s alive?”

FUCK.

Called it.

“But we buried her.”

“As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me.”

“Any issues? Yeah, I got issues.”

“Oh, my God.”

“At least you’ve got her back.”

“Did we?”

Yes, you did! Puppy, get back on track!

YES!!!!!! PAGET!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I am so sorry. I really am.”

“Not a day went by that I didn’t want to … Really, I … you didn’t deserve that.”

“And I’m so sorry.”

“There’s so much I want to tell you guys, and I will. I promise. But right now I really need to know what’s going on with Declan.”

This is fucking breaking my heart.

“My friend Tom Koehler. He was raising Declan as his own.”

Huh.

“I never saw him, where is he?”

“Go in or out of that house. He was on assignment overseas.”

“But he’s all right?”

“Yes. He’s on his way back now.”

“He got a call from Declan, he called me, and when I landed, Hotch told me that you had Doyle in custody.”

“And because of Tom’s line of work, that’s why you enrolled Declan in a boarding school.”

“I made sure that he, Louise, and I were the only ones allowed to take him off campus.”

“Louise took him home last night because he was sick. Food poisoning.”

“Yeah, a few of the kids had it, apparently.”

“So whoever did this got to him on campus. The knew they only had one chance.”

“Current suspect is Richard Gerace. He’s the most recent arrival into the States.”

“We’ve been tracking his progress through the city, but we came up empty.”

“But we know it’s him because he has the scar.”

“That doesn’t make sense. Gerace gave up on Doyle a long time ago.”

“He said you were the only one who knew Gerace.”

“Which is why I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have the balls to pull this off.”

“There was no forced entry at the house?”

“I had two agents working security.”

“We think Gerace and his partner posed as the next shift, and one of the agents was a woman.”

“She’s the alpha.”

“So we’re looking for a woman who’s getting back at Doyle.”

“And our suspect list just got a whole lot longer.”

“Doyle had relations with all of these ladies?”

“Most.”

Yikes.

“Wow.”

“Hey, can you shoot these into the roundtable room for me?”

“Anything you say, visitor Prentiss.”

“Thanks.”

“I haven’t seen Ashley.”

“Oh, well, she’s transferred to Andi Swan’s unit.”

YES.

I’m starting to like this season.

“Good for her.”

Sure.

“So, how, uh, angry is the team?”

“They’re in shock.”

“Of course.”

Duh.

“Thank you.”

“It is really good to see you.”

“These women are associates of Doyle’s who may have crossed paths with Gerace.”

“Anyone with deeper personal connections with Doyle?”

“Whoever took Declan showed a lot or rage at the nanny.”

“She had been with Doyle since before Declan was born. The nanny represents a caregiver, a mother figure.”

“Who is Delcan’s mother?”

“Doyle told me she was dead.”

“Which one is Declan’s mom?”

“How do you know? Did you kill her, too?”

“She brought tainted cupcakes to the boarding school and just walked right in.”

“Oh, that is creepy. We thought Doyle was bad.”

“Check her out.”

“Yeah, she ran an international prostitution ring before moving on to chemicals. Distribution and trafficking, manufacturing, possession, weapons charges?”

“Went away for three years.”

“That’s it?”

“She hardly seems the mothering type. Why would she take Declan? It isn’t love.”

“Who were her contacts in the States?”

“This is about you, Ian. You just told me you kept her a prisoner for nine months.”

“Seven.”

Like it matters.

“Did Louise help deliver Declan?”

“That’s called revenge, Ian.”

“Chloe didn’t just forget about what you put her through. Chaining her to a bed wasn’t the answer.”

“That was torture, Ian.”

“And you don’t think she spent years figuring out how to do the same to you?”

“She took the only thing you love.”

“What else would she and Gerace have to gain from taking Declan?”

“I need a list of everyone with the kind of money they’re looking for, and anyone else who wants to hurt you.”

“You know, statistically the abduction of a child by its mother, no matter the psychological disposition of said mother, would be one of low risk to a child.”

“She’s got plenty of connections. She could go underground.”

“Is there anywhere in the US where Chloe and Doyle had a history?”

“No. But they do have a lot of ties in Europe.”

“Doyle came up with associates of Chloe’s who have healthy bank accounts.”

“He thinks it’s a trade? For what, weapons? Drugs?”

“Does it matter?”

Nope.

“Garcia, run these names. See if anyone have locals connections.”

“Yeah. What else should I be looking for, you guys?”

“Secluded properties. A legitimate business that requires international bank accounts and trade.”

“It could be mundane. They survive under the radar.”

“Garcia, start with Irish backgrounds. This type of feud could go back generations.”

“Oh. It looks like the Doyles and the McDermotts have a thing.”

“What kind of thing?”

Yeah, what kind of thing?

“Ian Doyle murdered Jimmy McDermott, but his younger brother Lachlan owns an import company.”

“Do they ship internationally?”

“You know it.”

“He has three warehouses, one of which is slated to be demolished.”

“Where?”

“Inner Harbor, Baltimore.”

“Let’s go.”

“No, sir.”

“He’s gone.”

“Over here!”

“Doyle said Chloe would clean house. So what the hell is she doing now?”

“She’s getting out of the country.”

“Gerace was dead weight. She thinks she’s gonna get more for the kid without him.”

“Yeah. Declan’s disappeared.”

“They had him at the warehouse, but now they’re gone.”

“Your ex is working with Lachlan McDermott. How would he leave the country?”

“He hates you, doesn’t he?”

“Then I think we should give him what he really wants.”

“You.”

“A young boy’s life was at stake. I ran the probability of his survival and it wasn’t good.”

“If you want to punish me for taking a risk, then I encourage you to do that, but do not put the rest of my team on trial for something that I suggested.”

“This is calm, and it’s doctor.”

XD

“No, we are not letting him out of here, Reid.”

Wait, he wants to let Doyle out? What the hell is going on in my poodle’s brain?

“Prentiss, I will chain myself to him if I have to.”

“He’ll find a way to escape.”

“No, he won’t, and we’re running out of time. If we find McDermott now, we have a chance to save Declan.”

“New York City, July 2010, referred to as the spy swap. Igor …”

“You can’t change the rules, sir.”

Ooh, don’t mess with my doctor.

“Is Strauss still here?”

“We need full support.”

“Doyle said McDermott’s family imported weapons to a private airfield in Maryland.”

“I fully understand that, ma’am, but I’m telling you, it’s only a matter of minutes before they leave the country with him.”

“We won’t let that happen.”

“I am certain that without this move, there is a good chance that little boy is going to die.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Lachlan McDermott and Chloe Donaghy, this is the FBI.”

“We know you have Dechlan.”

My badass cupcakes

“To ensure his safety we would like to trade. We will give you Ian Doyle and you send us the boy.”

“Hotch, are we really gonna do this?”

“Gun!”

Poodle shooting!

“May I?”

“The journey was not traditional, but this team neutralized four international criminals and saved the life of a young boy in the process.”

“Agent Prentiss, we’re not done.”

“Hey.”

“I never thought we’d be taking one of these down.”

“I already tried. It’s screwed in.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“I got this.”

“Perfect.”

“I also have Sergio.’

“Oh, I knew you would.”

“I need visitation rights.”

“He’s a love, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he takes after his mom.”

“Morgan.”

“I know what you’ve been through.”

“I understand that you’re angry, but I hope that you understand that this is not about you … or me.”

“This was about saving Emily.”

“We need to talk.”

So Emily saved them all XD I love this woman so much.

“So we’re okay?”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

So she’s invited back on the team and she needs to think about it?

“May I think about it?”

“I’m in.”

Emily, you little shit.

“I have a stack of cases on my desk. I’m happy to pass them all off to you.”

“I’ll pick them up in the morning.”

“Emily, uh … what did you tell him?”

“The only people I know who could accomplish that mission just walked out.”

“They do their jobs with integrity, and most importantly, they honor their oath.”

FBI oath: “I will support and defend the constitution of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic. I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion. That I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter, so help me God.”

So ... that happened.

Oh my fucking god, I am so fucking excited about this season! Also, it is not fair how hurt Derek is bec axuse my heart is literally breaking here.

But, thi sseason is foing to be off the chian, bro! So, as ever, thank you so much for sticking around, and here is a series of photos of Derek.

[ashfaultradio]

This episode is a look back on all the bands who have contributed interviews to ASHFAULT RADIO.

Episode 10 features local and international bands including COCK SPARRER, MUNICIPAL WASTE, THE ADICTS, LILIM, X, BULLDOZER and so much more! It’s time to fucking PARTY!!!

Who Killed Spikey Jacket - Throw Up the Punks (00:29)

X - Soul Kitchen (2:05)

SNFU - Drunk on a Bike (4:28)

Black Flag - No Values (7:12)

DRI - I Don't Need Society (9:09)

Dealer - Don't Worry I Got You Man (10:25)

Dirty Work - Out For You (12:45)

DS13 - D.I.Y. Or Die (14:48)

Dead Boys - I Need Lunch (15:35)

Dead Kennedys - California Uber Alles (19:07)

Cock Sparrer - We're Coming Back To You (22:33)

Golers - Gateway to Mars (25:48)

Municipal Waste - The Art of Partying (29:10)

HAXAN - New World (31:14)

LILIM - Prettiest Girl (34:48)

SAGO - Harm's Way (36:38)

Lydia Lunch - Atomic Bongos (38:45)

MUTANK - P.O.P.U.L.O.U.S. (41:00)

Napalm Raid - Endless Walls (42:39)

Oi Polloi - Your Beer is Shit and Your Money Stinks! (45:27)

Rotten UK - Slipping into Darkness (46:17)

The Adicts - Joker in the Pack (47:43)

The Erections - Don't Fuck With Me (50:31)

The Murder Squad t.o. - Send the Wolves Packing (52:36)

UK Subs - Riot (54:39)

AHNA - Colony (57:23)

Alcohol Fueled - Poision (1:03:24)

Anvil - Metal on Metal (1:04:57)

Brutal Wulfsex - Brutal Wulfsex (1:08:46)

Bulldozer - Fallen Angel (1:12:36)

Cauldron - Summoned to Succumb (1:16:25)

Horse Lung - Dragon (1:21:36)

Malignant Tumour - Earthshaker (1:28:45)

Manacle - Stand Tall (1:32:54)

Midnight - All Hail Hell (1:37:03)

Paranoid Visions - Missing in Action (1:40:28)

Piledriver - The Executioner (1:44:21)

Red Alert - Still Burning (1:49:10)

Sardu - Metal Punk Exploding Master (1:52:39)

SATAN - Trial By Fire (1:56:25)

Shitfucker - I Am Of The Devil (2:00:42)

Volur - White Phantom (2:05:26)

Bishops Green - Senseless Crime (2:11:30)

Mayhem - Cursed in Eternity (2:13:40)

Sex Master - Cellar Door (2:18:38)

[lgbt-teenager-support]

Warning: Long post!!

@mercialachesis said:

Hey I was wondering if you could recommend some books or films with an agender character either main or side? Thank you !!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello! I'm sorry I couldn't answer your ask straight up, this post includes a lot of links.

I couldn't find very many books that describe the character as specifically agender, but there are a lot that use the words "gender fluid" "gender flux" "gender queer" and the like if you're ok with that! Summaries taken from Goodreads

Mask of Shadows - by Linsey Miller

"Sallot Leon is a thief, and a good one at that. But gender fluid Sal wants nothing more than to escape the drudgery of life as a highway robber and get closer to the upper-class and the nobles who destroyed their home. When Sal Leon steals a poster announcing open auditions for the Left Hand, a powerful collection of the Queen's personal assassins named for the rings she wears -- Ruby, Emerald, Amethyst, and Opal -- their world changes. They know it's a chance for a new life. Except the audition is a fight to the death filled with clever circus acrobats, lethal apothecaries, and vicious ex-soldiers. A childhood as a common criminal hardly prepared Sal for the trials. But Sal must survive to put their real reason for auditioning into play: revenge."

Symptoms of Being Human - by Jeff Garvin

"The first thing you’re going to want to know about me is: Am I a boy, or am I a girl? Riley Cavanaugh is many things: Punk rock. Snarky. Rebellious. And gender fluid. Some days Riley identifies as a boy, and others as a girl. The thing is…Riley isn’t exactly out yet. And between starting a new school and having a congressman father running for reelection in uber-conservative Orange County, the pressure—media and otherwise—is building up in Riley’s so-called “normal” life. On the advice of a therapist, Riley starts an anonymous blog to vent those pent-up feelings and tell the truth of what it’s REALLY like to be a gender fluid teenager. But just as Riley’s starting to settle in at school—even developing feelings for a mysterious outcast—the blog goes viral, and an unnamed commenter discovers Riley’s real identity, threatening exposure. Riley must make a choice: walk away from what the blog has created—a lifeline, new friends, a cause to believe in—or stand up, come out, and risk everything."

What We Left Behind - by Robin Talley

"Toni and Gretchen are the couple everyone envied in high school. They've been together forever. They never fight. They’re deeply, hopelessly in love. When they separate for their first year at college—Toni to Harvard and Gretchen to NYU—they’re sure they’ll be fine. Where other long-distance relationships have fallen apart, theirs is bound to stay rock-solid. The reality of being apart, though, is very different than they expected. Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, meets a group of transgender upperclassmen and immediately finds a sense of belonging that has always been missing, but Gretchen struggles to remember who she is outside their relationship. While Toni worries that Gretchen won’t understand Toni’s new world, Gretchen begins to wonder where she fits in Toni's life. As distance and Toni’s shifting gender identity begins to wear on their relationship, the couple must decide—have they grown apart for good, or is love enough to keep them together?"

The Tiger's Watch - by Julia Ember

"Sixteen-year-old Tashi has spent their life training as a inhabitor, a soldier who spies and kills using a bonded animal. When the capital falls after a brutal siege, Tashi flees to a remote monastery to hide. But the invading army turns the monastery into a hospital, and Tashi catches the eye of Xian, the regiment’s fearless young commander. Tashi spies on Xian’s every move. In front of his men, Xian seems dangerous, even sadistic, but Tashi discovers a more vulnerable side of the enemy commander—a side that draws them to Xian. When their spying unveils that everything they’ve been taught is a lie, Tashi faces an impossible choice: save their country or the boy they’re growing to love. Though Tashi grapples with their decision, their volatile bonded tiger doesn't question her allegiances. Katala slaughters Xian’s soldiers, leading the enemy to hunt her. But an inhabitor’s bond to their animal is for life—if Katala dies, so will Tashi."

Love Spell - by Mia Kerick

"Strutting his stuff on the catwalk in black patent leather pumps and a snug orange tuxedo as this year’s Miss (ter) Harvest Moon feels so very right to Chance César, and yet he knows it should feel so very wrong. As far back as he can remember, Chance has been “caught between genders.” (It’s quite a touchy subject; so don’t ask him about it.) However, he does not question his sexual orientation. Chance has no doubt about his gayness—he is very much out of the closet at his rural New Hampshire high school, where the other students avoid the kid they refer to as “girl-boy.” But at the local Harvest Moon Festival, when Chance, the Pumpkin Pageant Queen, meets Jasper Donahue, the Pumpkin Carving King, sparks fly. So Chance sets out, with the help of his BFF, Emily, to make “Jazz” Donahue his man. An article in an online women’s magazine, Ten Scientifically Proven Ways to Make a Man Fall in Love with You (with a bonus love spell thrown in for good measure), becomes the basis of their strategy to capture Jazz’s heart. Quirky, comical, definitely flamboyant, and with an inner core of poignancy, Love Spell celebrates the diversity of a gender-fluid teen."

Chameleon Moon - by RoAnna Sylver

"The city of Parole is burning. Like Venice slips into the sea, Parole crumbles into fire. The entire population inside has been quarantined, cut off from the rest of the world, and left to die - directly over the open flame. Eye in the Sky, a deadly and merciless police force ensures no one escapes. Ever. All that’s keeping Parole alive is faith in the midst of horrors and death, trust in the face of desperation… and their fantastic, terrifying, and beautiful superhuman abilities. Regan, stealth and reconnaissance expert with a lizard's scales and snake's eyes, is haunted by ten years of anxiety, trauma and terror, and he’s finally reached his limit. His ability to disappear into thin air isn’t enough: he needs an escape, and he’ll do anything for a chance. Unluckily for him, Hans, a ghostly boy with a chilling smile, knows just the thing to get one. It starts with a little murder. But instead of ending a man’s life, Regan starts a new one of his own. He turns away from that twisted path, and runs into Evelyn, fearless force on stage and sonic-superheroic revolutionary on the streets. Now Regan has a choice - and a chance to not only escape from Parole, but unravel the mystery deep in its burning heart. And most of all, discover the truth about their own entwining pasts. They join forces with Evelyn’s family: the virtuosic but volatile Danae, who breathes life into machines, and her wife Rose, whose compassionate nature and power over healing vines and defensive thorns will both be vital to survive this nightmare. Then there’s Zilch, a cool and level-headed person made of other dead people, and Finn, one of Parole’s few remaining taxi drivers, who causes explosions whenever he feels anything but happy. Separately they’d never survive, much less uncover the secret of Parole’s eternally-burning fire. Together, they have a chance. Unfortunately, Hans isn’t above playing dirty, lying, cheating, manipulating… and holding Regan’s memories hostage until he gets his way. Parole’s a rough place to live. But they’re not dead yet. If they can survive the imminent cataclysmic disaster, they might just stay that way…"

Black Sunrise - by Christina Engela

"When a single Ruminarii Hammerhead arrived to invade the small backwater Terran colony of Deanna, the people of Atro City went to meet them at the space port with open arms. (Perhaps ‘exposed’ is a better word?) Life as a private investigator, slash bounty hunter isn’t all Gary Beck wanted it to be. There weren’t any big mansions on a palm beach owned by an affluent writer generous enough to let him live rent-free and use his spare Ferrari. But then, you have to ask yourself, what could you expect living on a planet like Deanna? As a third rate colony in the Terran Empire, Deanna had more than its fair share of dull moments. It orbited a star called Ramalama. If you think that’s funny, Deanna’s two moons were called Ding and Dong, respectively. (This is a local joke.) Cindy Mei Winter hoped to put her violent and somehow depressing past behind her, but now it seemed her new beginning (and her holiday) were going to have to wait."

If Found Return To Astropop - by Lucas Hargis

"Unaware of one another’s gender or appearance, a poor, aspiring architect and a spoiled, free-spirited astronomy fanatic find themselves mutually smitten by reading each other’s journals. Genderfluid, sixteen-year-old Robin “Astropop” Chicory lost a journal three months ago. When a stranger (known only as Pippopotamus) secretly returns it, Astro discovers that Pip read their innermost thoughts and meticulously traced Astro’s past movements. Without meeting, Pip believes s/he is smitten with Astropop. Astro knows this because Pip wrote a heartfelt journal in response. Astro reads both journals side-by-side, amazed at how simple words on paper can exert a mutual gravity between complete strangers. As their tandem confessions and intimate stories tangle with the drama in Astro’s everyday life, Astro ends up hopelessly smitten with Pip, too. But because of distance, timing, and interference from the universe, it’s impossible for them to ever meet. When Astro flips to Pip’s last precious page, a supernova of hope explodes—a precise time and place where shy Pip will be waiting. Astro can finally meet the intriguing Pip, but fears their deep, inexplicable connection will be broken. And there’s the world-shattering chance the revelations of who they each truly are will eclipse their imagined versions of one another."

And here's the entire Goodreads list in case any books I didn't include speak to you! Hope this helped! For the life of me I couldn't find any agender movie characters :( If anyone knows of other books in this vein feel free to add!

-Mod Gaby

[jeremystrele]

Emmylou Maccarthy Takes Motherhood’s Invisible Labour And Makes It Visible – And Paid

Emmylou Maccarthy Takes Motherhood’s Invisible Labour And Makes It Visible – And Paid

Family

Ashe Davenport

When you live your job on the Internet, everyone has their say. ‘People criticise me about not spending enough time with my kids.’ Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

Sage, Vida and Camellia. Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

‘The camera doesn’t change how I do things. I’m the same way whether I’m being recorded or not.’ Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

‘I was pretty single minded in the beginning if I’m honest. I think I’ve got a better balance these days. I put my career first for about 24 months, but man, did I see that affect my family.’ Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

Making the switch from the primary to secondary carer doesn’t come easily. Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

Emmylou, Aaron, Sage, Camellia, Vida and their two pups! Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

Emmylou’s nominated Sunday activity is a morning spent at the South Melbourne Market. Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

Happiness (as well as confidence) in the kitchen, always! Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

Emmylou’s dream dinner party would be alfresco, with bifold doors folded in so she can cook but still hear the chatter. Photo – Sarah Collins of Work + Co.

Emmylou Maccarthy carved out her media career with nothing but an Instagram account and a dream. Her story is the digital equivalent of rubbing two sticks together to make fire – seemingly impossible at first, but ultimately achievable with time, dedication and the right hashtags and/or wind conditions.

The term ‘influencer’ has become somewhat of a dirty word, but in Emmylou’s case it’s simply an accurate description of how she got her start. Her audience is astoundingly engaged. If Emmylou so much as mentions a brand on social media, product sales tend to skyrocket. Her Instagram stories are a seemingly endless tangent on domestic life, with over 50 instalments a day. She might be making hummus, plaiting her daughter’s hair, waiting for an Uber, applying or removing her makeup, but the activity is irrelevant. Emmylou’s charisma is undeniable. Why else are tens of thousands of people tuning in to watch her do a fishtail braid? She’s luminous. She makes mistakes often and genuinely laughs when she does. She’s a comfort to people at home on their phones, craving connection with a real human person, with the emphasis on real. 

We talked over coffee at St Ali in South Melbourne. In person, Emmylou was shorter than I’d imagined and significantly more professional. My instinct was to greet her with a hug, my bestie, the person I’d watched cooking in her pyjamas, but she held out her hand as she approached the table, establishing a boundary in the process. It was a gesture she seemed to have had some training in, a gentle reminder to people that they were, in fact, strangers.

She gets a bit of flack – for not spending enough time with her kids, not having a ‘real job,’ for not fitting the traditional moulds/straight jackets of ‘wife’ and’ mother’, you name it. The reason is obvious. She��s a self-made woman who doesn’t play by the rules. People don’t know what to make of her. I stan. 

What do you say to people who question whether or not you have a ‘real job’?

You can let the opinions of others feed into how you see yourself, but at the end of the day, it’s just a career, and it’s mine. It’s driven by joy and excitement. Everything I’ve done, I’ve loved: beauty therapy, skydiving, working in hospitality, working as a receptionist. I’ve done it all with a massive smile on my face. So I just try and not let it affect me. People don’t see the emails and hundreds of DMs. I’ve got staff members now, a legal team, accounting, the whole thing. Emmylou Loves is a business, no question.

You’ve taken a lot of the unpaid invisible labour of motherhood and made it paid and visible, it’s hugely impressive, actually.

People criticise me about not spending enough time with my kids. They say: ‘Oh! Her poor husband is stuck with everything.’ And in fact, he’s not the poor husband, he’s their dad. When he did fly-in-fly-out he was away for four weeks at a time working in the mines. Four weeks! Then he’d be home for five days, and he’d be knackered because he’d have worked 12 hour days for weeks on end, and never once did I hear how lucky he was that I was doing everything at home.

How do you share the parenting load now that you’re so busy with work?

For the last six months, Aaron’s been a stay-at-home dad. He’s the primary carer. He does all the school drop-offs and pick-ups, kinder drop-offs. I often do them with him, then I’m off working every day. I’m home in time to cook dinner. We all pitch in for the housework. We wanted to have one of us as the constant figure at home, so the kids would feel more settled in a routine. It makes the most sense for us right now that Aaron is that person.

How’s that going?

It was hard at first. It doesn’t matter what your situation is, if you’re changing things, it’s not all going to click straight away. You have to give it a trial to see if it’s going to work, and to allow for the icky, uncomfortable part. With any job you have a three month trial, it’s exactly the same as changing the roles up at home. After three months have a sit-down with your boss, or partner in this case, and see how you’re both feeling. Discuss what’s working and what’s not, where the gaps are and how you can fill them.

How did you build your business while being the primary carer to three young kids?

I was pretty single minded in the beginning if I’m honest. I think I’ve got a better balance these days. I was starting late in life. I wanted to go for it, and I did, I really went for it. I put my career first for about 24 months, but man, did I see that affect my family. It impacted our happiness, my personal happiness too. Aaron and I weren’t together during that time, we were co-parenting, so that didn’t help. We were living in the same house, but we were emotionally disconnected. I was prioritising emails at the dinner table over enjoying the meal with my kids. I was so focussed on keeping the momentum going with Emmylou Loves, sometimes it felt almost like the kids were impeding on that. I had to take a good hard look at myself. Like, they’re my kids! What am I doing?

What was it like not being in a romantic relationship with Aaron, but still living in the same house?

Man, did it hurt. Did I spend a lot of time crying? Yes. Did we go long periods of time without speaking? Yes. But did we try to fill that silence with nasty hateful things? No. Sometimes couples will come upon a time in their family life where things are silent. Not much is going on. It’s a bit fucking boring. So what do we do? We get snarky, we get restless. We think, hmmm there’s not much love happening here, let’s try and get a spark going with a bit of hate. That was the one thing Aaron and I decided not to do. We didn’t fill our silence with nastiness. We were just silent for a while, and we were okay with it. I just kept pointing out that it was the hardest time in our lives.

My partner and I have two under four, and our relationship has been hanging on by a thread at various stages since becoming parents. How did you guys get it together?

We let go of expectations and the fantasy that we should still be in the honeymoon period. My advice to any couples going through a tough time is to not under any circumstances compare your relationship to anything you think you’re seeing online or in the world. Aaron and I completely understand that romance can die, and die in a scary way, where you think it’s not going to come back. Make a conscious effort to lead with respect, which is easier said than done when you’re new parents, underslept and stretched so thin.

Is it hard to stay present when so much of your life is on camera?

The camera doesn’t change how I do things. I’m the same way whether I’m being recorded or not. That’s why I muddle up my words, they’re just flying off my tongue. That said, I’ve had to work at staying present with my kids. It doesn’t come naturally to me. When they want to do a jigsaw puzzle for example, the easy part is saying yes, but I have to make a conscious effort to sit down and bloody enjoy it. My instinct is to be in 100 other places in my head, whether it’s what I’m cooking for dinner, or replying to emails, or whatever it is that needs to be done. Being present is a discipline, it’s a muscle that needs building, and I’ve had to work at that.

Describe your perfect dinner party…

Hmmm… An open alfresco area with bifold doors going inside. I don’t know much about interior design, but I know about bifold doors, because I want them. Then I could be in the kitchen cooking, but still be able to see out and hear the party going. I’d want cool beats playing in the background, hip hop or funk or something chilled out like Erykah Badu. I’d make a communal feast with some of my mates helping out. We’d bring out big bowls of gorgeous food and people would be drinking gorgeous wine. It could be anytime of year. Summer, Winter, don’t care!

What can people expect from your upcoming book Confidence in the Kitchen?

It’s a collection of really easy recipes, but tasty, with beautiful imagery. It’s a happy book, one you can flick through and smile. You don’t have to be a wiz in the kitchen to follow the recipes. The point is to give you some spunk and vibe in the kitchen. It’s food that’s meant to be enjoyed with people and that’s enjoyable to make. That’s what food is all about for me. It’s about the experience.

Family Favourites

Activity or outing

Definitely movies. Colouring in. Nothing better than a fresh batch of play-dough. And cooking!

Sunday morning breakfast?

South Melbourne market to shop, coffee and a quick bite. Almost every Sunday we have my sister and her family over. She and I will cook up a storm while the kids play.

Date night?

We’re more into date days! We’re so tired at night and we just want to watch a movie and not talk. But date-days are great. A walk, a swim, just simple things together.

Desert island album?

If I could cheat and say my Spotify playlist…. Oh my God… This is the hardest question I’ve ever been asked… Okay… breathe… okay. Mama’s Gun by Erykah Badu.

Family getaway?

Torquay. We love love love the beach.

‘Confidence in the Kitchen’ will be available from all major retailers in June 2020. You can pre-order a copy here.