#I also understand being stuck choosing between several evils is frustrating

[friskafriskito]

I wanted to say, regardless whether you are American or not, I know a lot of you are feeling hopeless and frustrated right now, between everything that's going on in the world and this is apparently being past the last straw on the camel's back, but please remember to take care of yourselves

there is a lot of suffering in the world between wars, genocide and famine, and leaders that refuse to do anything about it or even actively encourage it

It's not wrong to want to take a break and find something to smile about, nor does any of it invalidate your own suffering

Help where you are able to, and when you can of course, and remember to reach out to your loved ones when things start to get too much

I know some people feel bad for using resources or for trying to find ways to cheer up because "It's a luxury some people can't afford" but I am telling you they are not luxuries, they are necessities. The tragedy of these events isn't people not being able to access luxuries, it's being denied necessities

so as sort of harsh as this sounds, do not deny yourself your necessities because it helps no one in this situation; it's just one more person suffering in this entire mess. you cannot be expected to help or care for anyone if you're too burned out to do so.

Please take care of yourselves.

[erikthedead]

entry #4

Started reading FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY’s ‘Notes from the Underground,’ and I just got into the second half of him rambling and reflecting on his behaviour in detail. I never would have thought a Russian man from the 19th century would make me feel a little bit less alone in this world (or at least the ‘character’ delivering the narrative). Yet the more I read about what goes on in peoples’ heads the less insane I feel, or at least comforted by realising that everyone is a little bit insane, as long as they’re being honest. Should that be comforting? I feel like that should actually be disturbing, but I kinda like being disturbed. The bit that struck me to get writing about myself was how he recurringly mentions this need to be seen and heard and be a noble member of society, but flip flops between that and a state of isolating himself and being a recluse, ashamed by how his own face looks. I hope I’m interpreting it right, as I’m not so sure I’m smart enough to fully understand everything the man was trying to convey. The whole thing reads as him trying to make sense of himself, if anything. But if I am right in that, I can totally relate, and it causes me much distress as it seemed to have tormented him too.  His way was to throw himself into busy streets and bars, never feeling comfortable with it from what I’ve read, and possibly did it on purpose to feel uncomfortable, because he was getting bored with the current discomfort of isolating himself in his room with his books. That’s the interesting thing about it, he never once says he ‘leaves the comfort’ of his own home, like you’ll hear many well-adjusted introverts say. People who are content on their own. He obviously wasn’t content, he was bored, sick of his own brain, he tells us how he would break down into tearful fits from some sort of mental anguish that he tried to escape from through consumption of literature. I do exactly the same thing with media of all kinds, not because I ENJOY spending time with myself and my things, but because it helps me COPE with it. I am so envious of consistently introverted people who relish in their alone time. That SHOULD BE ME. All the same, it annoys me to death when someone complains about being ‘stuck in the house’ all day when they want to go out and mingle and see the world, because that is too exhausting a thing to wish for compared to creature comforts and solitude, surely. Both of them irritate me because I’m jealous of their seemingly consistent understanding of themselves, their desires and what makes them content on a regular, general basis. I’ve been trying to hard to figure out my own. I’m twenty-six now, yet I still feel juvenile as hell. I still feel like a child that goes up to the next thing that catches its eye and wants to ask, ‘can I have a go?’ And of course, to an innocent child, you let them have a go, without any expectations. You don’t get that luxury as an adult. You are expected to choose, commit, KNOW what you want. But again, I can’t help but think this isn’t me being special, that everyone probably feels this way, you certainly hear it from a lot of old people who humbly state that they are still always learning and discovering new things. Then again maybe they miss the point. Discovering things is fine, all the time. Learning is appreciated and encouraged. But actually changing or choosing not to change (both can be bad, right?), that is unsettling. We’ve given up good and evil for behaviourism and yet still people like me, Fyodor and to name a few other people I relate to when I read their autobiographies, Russell Brand, Stephen Fry, Steve-O (oh yes I compare myself to the greats, in all my unheard mighty feats), people like us can’t even get that right. Creative, expressive, bipolar people. People with big heads and sensitive souls, I’d say. Although I connect deeply to people like this I’d never want to be around them for too long. I know their torment and quite frankly my own is enough to contend with. There is a feeling of ‘pay attention to me but leave me alone.’ ‘Love me more than anything but don’t care too much about me because I’m bound to hurt you or make a fool of myself.’ Actually, in Notes from the Underground, Fyodor talks about man’s unconscious desire to smash up something he has been building, because he is unconsciously terrified of what to do what he has completed it, and Brand actually mentions this quite a bit in his Bookywooks. How he’d personally reach a level of fame and notoriety but then sabotage it, fearing the peak or what comes after – the come down. I hope I’ve interpreted these guys correctly, because it does make sense to me. The only thing that really sets me aside from these guys is my utter lack of ambition. At least in these peoples’ hypomanic states they were achieving something. What do I do? I’m the classic, slightly mentally ill underachiever that never sticks to anything. The sheer magnitude of my unconscientiousness could be used as an example of how not to be during a Jordan Peterson lecture. My downfalls were not self-sabotages, conscious or unconscious for the first half of my life. The rest you can blame on me, that’s fair enough, but puberty hit me early and like a train, and all that meant was I was spotty and got a bullied a bit, but that didn’t excuse me from performing well in my exams and essays. I was predicted to come out with some of the top grades in the whole school. I even started finding my confidence and standing up for myself to bullies after a few years adjusting to adolescence. Then my mother died suddenly one night from an overdose when I was fourteen, and my whole world flipped upside down. Like an anime main character backstory right there. It wasn’t perfect beforehand, anyone who knows my whole childhood situation will agree, but I had a bloody good chance up until she died. After that, I became nihilistic, rebellious, promiscuous and generally self-destructive. ‘How would your mother feel if she could see you now? She wouldn’t have wanted this.’ Oh how I wish I slapped anyone that said this to me. How dare they even try to assume what she would have wanted, having never known her. Of course, I said it to myself all the time, I still do sometimes, but I have that right. The rest of you don’t. Hah, rights. What a joke, even as I try to be dominant through typing to imaginary figments of the past and the future, I’m not even convincing myself.

The inconsistency, of my desires, my attitudes, my cognitions, my emotions and ultimately my behaviour is what pains me. I would rather be a complete abolition that was sure in himself than be like this. What’s even more frustrating is that it’s not that uncommon for people to be like me in that sense, but they just go with the flow with it, seemingly unaware of their inconsistency, and become incredibly defensive when you point it out. It’s understandable, I get defensive with myself, which could be an early sign of schizophrenia, who knows, time will tell. At the moment though I am without doubt an anxious, depressive, inconsistent muddled mess of a person, and even the HOPE for my future self comes and goes in powerful forms. I have the grandiose fantasies of being interviewed by people because I’m just that interesting and my achievements are that remarkable, and I also have the sheer terror while preparing to talk to the shop assistant when I’m buying something. Oh yeah, buying things, that’s a tricky one for me an’ all! The trick with me is not to give me too much choice, because if I have I will never decide, or I will make a silly last minute decision or pick the third thing after debating with myself for ten minutes between choosing from the first and the second. Not only indecisiveness, but impulsiveness plagues me. Not just buying things I don’t need, or don’t even want yet because I haven’t finished the last thing, but even charitably so. I saw a stranger E-begging by chance and decided to send him money. I have no idea why. Am I just a good person? I don’t have enough money for myself, and even if I do have some to spare, that should go to others who have helped me financially before a stranger on the internet. Maybe I’m not a good person, and I just did it to cleanse myself of some feeling of shame or guilt for wasting money on myself. As well as the positive fantasies of my future where I am destined to greatness through nothing other than my own conviction and virtues, I have the other vision in the crystal ball that shows myself destitute and addicted to hard drugs, homeless or institutionalised, ultimately suicided. Addiction and suicide run through my veins afterall, and I’ve been close to becoming the 3rd generation of my bloodline to go out by my own hand. The decently sized scar on my arm from a self-inflicted slash that was intended for my neck, that nearly severed my nerves and would have left me with a malfunctioning left hand had I gone any deeper. Sometimes I look at it and feel ashamed for doing it, for trying to throw away my beautiful, special life, and other times I look at it and feel ashamed for missing my real target, my consciousness. I battle with my consciousness a lot, I try to minimise it through drink and drugs or healthy mental exercises, distract it with my media, sublimate it through writing and drawing, but rarely do I get peace from it. Then other times, I count my blessings and praise the universe for bestowing onto me just the ability to think and feel and be a person. Neither approach to life is crazy to me, what’s crazy to me is not being able to bloody pick one and settle on it for more than a couple of days at a time. Like Fyodor describes his character going out into a busy bustling area in his urges to be part of society after a stint of isolation, I will go out some weekends and do the same, but that’s only a more recent, probably more healthy advance in my development than what I have been doing for a long time which is going online to provoke and debate people with my thoughts and opinions, and sometimes cheeky insults. I really resent when people who know me call it ‘trolling’ when I go off on these episodes. Trolling to me is when you put something out there that you don’t actually stand by, but you know will get a reaction out of people because you’re bored and want to mess with people. Now fair enough, there’s a lot to be said for that last part, but I have no reason to say things I don’t really think/feel/believe when the things I say genuinely are enough to upset people on their own, things I sincerely believe are correct. I’ll feel ever so right and convicted during these online tirades, then the next day want to delete all my social media and wipe my name from the planetary database. Perhaps I could just delete my existence while I’m at it. Seems like my self-doubt and my self-assuredness play equal part in my misery, because like everything else, I can’t choose one. The same happens if I go out and meet new people on the weekend, I’ll exchange numbers and add people with all intention of meeting up in the future, only to ghost them afterwards. I don’t know why.

[wroughtbetwixtfanfic]

A Memory Of The Smell of Smoke, Ch 4.

Fandom: The Society.

Summary: Everyone liked to pretend that Campbell had been born bad. That their fear and hatred were logical, rational, justified, because Campbell was a monster incapable of making the choice between good and evil. Because he couldn’t feel the way they did. Well, fuck that. He was gonna prove them wrong. At least, that had been the plan.

Rating: Mature.

Tags: Canon Divergence, Pre-Canon, Emotional Baggage, Mental Health Issues, Child Abuse, Substance Abuse, Animal Death, Complicated Relationships, Pre-Slash, Denial of Feelings, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Implied Rape, Campbell has mild ASPD and is self aware enough to try and be better, the non-con is NOT Campbell, didn’t add an official warning because it is the aftermath only, yes it is the party becca mentioned and there will be a warning in the notes of that chapter, Campbell/Harry, Campbell/Elle.

Word Count: 4673 (chapter 4/5).

Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 5 || AO3

Disclaimer: This chapter involves what happened to Becca, and discusses the aftermath of sexual assault. (The perpetrator is unknown.) It is implied, not shown, but still may be upsetting. Reader discretion is advised.

Senior year didn't seem to be too wild, at first.

Knowing made things better, but they also made things worse in some ways. Campbell did agree with Cassandra that they didn't have to be evil, irredeemable  people. Unfortunately, there were few resources out there that had any  sort of positive, hopeful outlook. Campbell knew that, be he still tried  to find some anyways. The ones he did manage to find were often anonymous men talking about how awesome they were and laughing about torturing animals, abusing their family, and sharing prison stories. Some forums were a bit less intense, but Campbell never bothered engaging. He was like a jalapeno among a bunch of ghost peppers. They weren't going to improve his situation any.

"It's like any other condition," Cassandra said while Campbell helped her bake cookies for some sort of asinine fundraiser. "There's a spectrum of severity. Some people are on the end where it's not really noticeable."

Campbell  stirred a giant bowl of batter, taking out his frustration on the chocolate chip mix. "I know people can't help being what they are, exactly, but I don't know where I fall on that spectrum and it's kind of..."

"Scary?"

"Maybe. They say people like us can't get scared. Do you believe that?"

Cassandra  popped a batch in the oven and flopped onto the kitchen stool. She tilted her head, thinking. "Mm. I don't know. I suppose that for me, it's more that I get concerned, but I think that's what it's supposed to  be. Fear. But it's fainter, you know? It doesn't last long. Just enough  to make me think."

"That's why you're so good at debate, I guess."

"Probably. What about you?"

"Dunno.  I guess social anxiety is common in guys with it. I don't know if that's the same as fear, though. I just hate getting in front of a group  of people I know hate me, and try to pretend they don't, you know? I don't worry about much else."

"Handy."

"Sometimes."

Cassandra swung her feet. She leaned on the counter and rested her hand on her chin, peering at him. "What about love?"

"What about it?"

"Have you been in love?"

Campbell  stopped stirring for a moment. "I don't know. It's kind of a weird thing. I guess I do feel attracted to people, sometimes."

"Like Harry?"

"How do you figure?"

"I have eyes, and I know you."

"Whatever."  He started scooping balls of dough onto a cookie sheet. Cassandra made a  gesture for him to continue. "Yeah. Harry, but he's got Kelly now. And  there's this girl in school I kinda like. Elle. Never seems to really  hang out with anyone, kinda has a snooty vibe, but she's pretty."

Cassandra nodded. "She is. But attraction isn't love, really."

"It's not. I don't know, I guess it's... I think I love Sam. I mean, you love Allie, right?"

"I  do." She shrugged. "She's fun. Smart. I wouldn't give up my dream of going to Yale to go to her college or anything, but we take care of each  other. I want her to be safe and happy. I try not to hurt her on purpose, even if I do by accident, sometimes. I think that's love, or something like it. I loved our cat. I love my parents."

"Then sure. I've felt love. Too bad the last time I tried to get close to someone, it all got fucked up. Doesn't bode so well for the future, does  it?"

The timer dinged, and Cassandra pulled a tray of cookies  out. The kitchen filled up with the scent of butter and chocolate. She  set the tray down and popped another in. "I think... I think that a lot  of people, in general, judge a group of people by the worst among them.  And I think some symptoms are just scary, and people don't get enough  help or don't care enough to mind themselves, and it all just  snowballs."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's not like professionals  have studied every single person on the planet. They're going off  reported cases and prison records. Maybe the people you're reading about  are just the worst of us. In any case, it doesn't mean you have to be  like them."

"You're not."

"No. Not quite." Cassandra  tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I'm lucky. I'm a privileged white  girl, so they just assume I'm a frigid, entitled bitch. Or an angry  feminist. If I'm careful, and I try to be good, that's all I'll ever be  to them. Annoying and self righteous and stuck up."

"Doesn't mean I've got a chance."

"Of  course you do. Evil is a choice, Campbell. So we have low empathy.  People don't need empathy to understand other people, or to be  compassionate towards them. We can still understand and choose to do  what is right. At the end of the day, all it comes down to are what  choices we make. We can decide the type of person we're going to be."

It was a nice thought, if nothing else.

He didn't really want to change everything about  himself. He kind of liked some of it, and since things went tits up with Sam, Campbell had come to appreciate and embrace even some of the messier, darker parts, too. But it was true enough. He could choose to not burn his house down, he could choose not to steal, he could choose not to kick dogs or pick on people more vulnerable than himself. Now that he had some idea of what was going on and had Cassandra there to help him, maybe it was worth it to try and follow her example a little.  He didn't care about trying to be someone he wasn't, and his peers weren't going to forget his history at all, so there was no point there.  But keeping out of legal trouble, and keeping himself from turning into  some kind of animal that beat up his loved ones? That was something he  was keen on avoiding. If he knew what his risk factors were for the  future, maybe he could just be his natural asshole self without leaving  too much destruction in his wake.

In a world of small blessings, he had other people's  drama to keep himself entertained, without having to cause any of his  own. Harry and Cassandra ran for student body president, and it was a  vicious campaign on both sides. Naturally, Cassandra won. Harry was  charming enough, but he didn't have the cutthroat attitude needed to  secure a victory. Harry still had a party after, though considering the  turnout was crap despite the fact that his parents were out of town, it  could hardly be called a party.

"Nobody wants to be here," Harry  groaned into his pillow after the last of the meager guests had left.  "I've lost it, Cam. I had it and I lost it."

Campbell chewed on a  slice of cold cheese pizza. "Pretty sure you never had it, buddy. I  think it was the alcohol and pot, there."

Harry let out a  strangled whine. He tried to hit Campbell with the pillow, but Campbell  caught it with his free hand and tugged it from Harry's grasp with ease.  "Fuck." Harry sat up and rubbed his face. "What am I supposed to do?  I'm a loser. Everyone hates me."

"I don't hate you. Kelly doesn't hate you."

"I'm still a loser."

"Don't  be boring." Campbell sighed. "Look, you've got parents who love you, a  gorgeous girlfriend, an expensive car, and you're not a leper or anything. You've got it pretty good. Why worry about popularity? It's all a bunch of bullshit, anyways."

"Because you've never felt what it's like to have tons of friends and see it all slip away because  you're not drugging them up anymore. It's humiliating."

"Nah, you're right. I definitely don't know what it's like to lose people I thought loved me."

Harry  winced at the sharpness in Campbell's tone. "Shit, man. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just... You've always seemed so above it all. I'm not like that."

"You used to be. What changed?"

"It's not worth talking about."

Campbell  gently whacked Harry with the pillow. "Tell me. C'mon, I never ask otherwise, and you never share. Is it a girl problem?"

"My dad's dying."

The  words tumbled out of Harry's mouth in a rush. Campbell wanted to say something, but Harry began to cry. Fuck. Reaching out, Campbell lightly  rested his hand on Harry's knee. Was that an acceptable level of comfort?  He didn't know, but apparently it was, because Harry leaned over and  burrowed against Campbell's side.

"I just wanted to do something  important, so he could be proud of me," Harry sobbed into Campbell's  shoulder. "He's not gonna be around to see me get to college, and I  can't even manage this one fucking little thing."

"Hey. A lot of  colleges have early decision programs. I heard Cassandra talking about  it, with Yale. If you want, I can help you look into it."

Harry blinked up at him, and goddamn those doe eyes did it every time. "Really? You'd help me?"

"Sure. You want to go to Harvard, right?"

"Yeah, I mean, if I can pull it off."

"You can pull it off. Trust me."

Campbell  managed to steer the conversation towards college, and what they planned to do after graduation. It was an easier subject for Campbell, and Harry seemed to welcome the distraction. Harvard did in fact have such a program, and he helped Harry gather together everything he needed. Maybe Harry couldn't be president of the school, but it would be  more impressive to show his dad an admissions letter from one of the  top three universities in the country.

"What are you gonna do?" Harry asked. "I know you hate this town."

"I don't know. I figured I'd run away to LA or something."

"Seriously?"

"I  saved most of the money I got off of dealing. My parents never found it, so why not? Just buy a one way ticket and figure things out when I get there."

Harry gave him a rueful smile. "If anyone here could make it there, it'd be you."

But  they both knew it was just a silly dream. Of course Harry got into Harvard; he'd gotten his letter late December, and Campbell knew he couldn't move across country from his best friend. Campbell applied to colleges in January, like most other students. He'd know his fate in six  to eight weeks. In the meantime, he balanced his attention between Harry and Elle, the girl that had caught his attention before.

Elle  Tomkins was one of those rare people who wasn't born and raised in West  Ham, transplanted there in the 7th grade when her parents moved from  New York. Too young to get that "new interesting freshman" mystique, but  too old for the other kids to forget she hadn't always been there.  Campbell had never seen her with anyone. And she was quirky, from what  he knew. She didn't seem interested in hanging out with the other  students much, and she rarely smiled. He heard from Harry, who heard  from Kelly, that Elle was a dancer. It explained some things, like her  almost fragile appearance, and the fact that he'd never seen her eat  anything. Of course, not all dancers were tiny or thin or never ate, but  she fit the stereotype.

He hadn't really considered dating  before, but now that he had some grasp on what was happening in his  head... Well, everyone else was pairing off, or flirting with some  out-of-town hottie. Hell, even Cassandra had some guy she'd gone out and  had coffee with when she went to scope out Yale. There were only five  months of high school left, and he'd spent his entire school life just  trying to survive and not get himself in trouble. Maybe it was possible  he could find someone, too. And maybe, if he was right about her, Elle  was a possibility. Even if it resulted in another friend, well, maybe  having another friend was something that could benefit them both.

But then Harry's father died, one cold morning.

"All the money in the world," Harry seethed after the funeral, "and it still can't save you from stage four prostate cancer."

Campbell passed him a bit of weed that he'd gotten from one of his suppliers. "Shit luck. Most people survive prostate cancer."

"Yeah, well the dickbag never could be convenient."

He  couldn't blame Harry for being pissed. Harry's mother was a wreck, diving into alcohol and pills herself in one of the most hypocritical displays Campbell had ever seen. She was on the verge of losing her job,  the house was going to shit despite the fact that Harry tried to clean  when he didn't have school. The only reason Campbell knew was because he  started coming over to help Harry once a week. Which was, incidentally,  how he found the cocaine.

Campbell held up the little bag of white powder as he cleaned underneath the bathroom sink. "Uh, Harry? What's this?"

"It's mine." Harry reached for it, but Campbell pulled back. "Fuck, Cam. Give it to me."

"You're snorting cocaine now? Harry, you're going to Harvard soon. You can't afford to get hooked on this shit."

"That's rich, coming from you."

"Yeah,  I get it. But I also got my ass back in line, for the most part, and I'm not going to Harvard fucking Law School. Weed is one thing, alcohol  is one thing. But this will fuck you up fast, man."

"Just give it back, okay? I just need a little bit right now."

Campbell  stepped away again, as Harry tried to snag the drugs from Campbell's hand. Before he could blink, Harry had tackled him to the ground and was  fighting for the bag. Campbell get punched across the jaw, but he barely felt it. He managed to flip Harry onto his back, pinning him down  and holding him there while he struggled.

"Looks like you finally got me where you wanted me," Harry spat. "Asshole."

Campbell shrugged. "I actually prefer being on bottom."

"What, you actually turned fucking gay or something?"

"Bi, I think. Maybe. I haven't figured it out yet. Would explain a few things, though."

Harry  stared up at him. At least he'd finally stopped wiggling. "Seriously?"  When Campbell raised an eyebrow, Harry let his head thump back against  the floor. "Huh. And I always thought you were joking."

"Were you?"

"I'm not gonna get my coke back, am I."

An evasion, but Campbell let it slide. "Nope. Not a chance in hell."

"I could get more."

"Sure,  but then I'm not helping you clean up your mother's grief-riddled trauma hoard. Then you'll end up just like Lexie, trapped in your room by a wall of Cosmopolitan magazines and yogurt containers full of cat poop."

Harry let out a huff. "Whatever, fine. Get rid of it."

Campbell  pocketed the cocaine and took it with him when he left. Of course he would get rid of it, in his own way. If he found the right buyer, he could get an easy $300 off it. He didn't sell much anymore, but it was an opportunity, and he wasn't going to pass that up. Especially since, after eight weeks of waiting, all his application letters had been rejected. No fancy school for him after graduation. Maybe he'd start a band and movie to New York City instead, or go flip burgers for some funky food truck in Boston, or buy a car with a rattling muffler and go  on a cross country road trip with Harry when he was on break. Whatever.  There was more to life than getting in debt for a slip of paper during a  shitty economy with few job prospects.

In the meantime, he could  still have a little fun. $300 was enough to get an ear piercing, and  have plenty left over. The left ear, just because it was easier to get  the damn thing in there; it wasn't any kind of statement. It was an  impulsive purchase, but it made him feel good, and he needed the  pick-me-up after all the college crap. Plus, it made his parents and  other adults give him disapproving looks. Always a bonus.

Cassandra  offered to help him apply to other schools. "You could still get into a  decent one," she said as she made a poster for the pro-immigration rally coming up in March. "There are plenty of colleges near Yale that would take you. Or maybe you'd wanna go to Massachusetts with Harry?"

"And  watch him drape all over his girlfriend every weekend? Gag me. No, I think I'm gonna run away to India and learn how to grow tea or something."

"Whatever suits your fancy. Are you coming to the rally with us? Gordie and some other friends are going."

Campbell  sprawled across the sofa, peering at her upside down. Any reason to go  past the West Ham town lines sounded like a good time. "Yeah, sure. Just  in case I need to punch some fucking neo nazis for you."

"Perfect."

As  things so often went, there were some little hiccups when it came time  for the rally. No one had told Campbell that Sam was coming with. They  all got piled into Gordie's truck, with Gordie, Becca, and Cassandra in  front, and Campbell stuffed into the back with everyone else. Thankfully, Campbell managed to grab a window seat by saying he'd throw  up like a dog otherwise. Sam was next to him, with Allie on the other side of Sam and Will at the driver side window. Less thankfully, Campbell could see Allie shooting him glares and whispering something to  Will; he couldn't hear what was said, and he didn't really care, but it  was an annoyance all the same.

"Do you have water?" Sam signed  to him. It was the first time they'd really spoken in a while, and of  course, it had to be to mother-hen him. "It's going to be warm out."

Campbell bit down his irritation long enough to reply with a curt 'yes'. Sam didn't speak to him for the rest of the car ride.

It  was a bit less claustrophobic once they got to the rally. It wasn't huge, and they managed to stake out a spot in the shade. It was still too crowded for Campbell's liking, so he stuck to the little headquarters they established, guarding the snacks and drinks while the  rest of them went out and got their protesting on. Becca came back sooner than the others, a vague pink stain on her tshirt and a smug smile on her face.

"What did you do?" Campbell asked as she flopped down and popped open a soda. "I usually only have that face when  I've tripped Clark down the stairs."

Becca laughed. "Milkshakes are even better when you yeet them at an alt-right douchebag, as it turns out."

"Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"I'm kinda surprised you came at all. This isn't usually your scene, is it?"

"No.  I'm more of a stay at home and binge watch Riverdale sort, but Cassandra wanted me to come with, and it's a few hours away from Stepford Central."

"For sure." Becca eyed him. He knew that look,  that wary and curious sort of squint where someone was trying to figure  him out. "Are you going to Harry's party tomorrow night? I think he  finally got desperate enough to invite me, and my mom's got an appointment with Two-Buck Chuck, so I thought I'd check it out."

Campbell  let out a small snort. "Yeah, I guess. He met some older folks when he  went up to Harvard in September, so he's inviting them and their liquor."

"Ooh, anyone cute?"

"Like, guys?"

"Anyone," Becca grinned.

"Probably. Harry likes pretty people."

That  was how they ended up going to the party together. Campbell had never really taken an interest in any of Cassandra's friends before, but he knew Becca was Sam's best friend, and she seemed like the right mix of sarcastic and broken that Campbell found relatable. Becca had never been  to a proper party before, so they stuck together at first; Harry was  off schmoozing with his new college buddies, Kelly smiling politely on  his arm, and that wasn't anything Campbell wanted to interrupt. Not until Becca vanished.

"Hey,  have you seen Becca?" Campbell wondered. "She went to get a drink about  ten, fifteen minutes ago and I haven't seen her since."

Harry glanced up from his pack of drinking buddies. "Nope, I haven't. Maybe you got ditched?"

It  was possible, Campbell reasoned. After all, he and Becca weren't exactly friends, and they hadn't made some sort of blood pact to stay together the whole night. Still, Campbell didn't know any of these people and something in his stomach didn't sit right. He prowled around  the house, looking for some sign of her, but Becca wasn't downstairs at  all and Campbell felt his suspicion deepen as he headed upstairs. When  he finally found her, she was in one of the spare bedrooms, sitting on  the bed and staring into space.

"Becca?"

She looked over at him. Her eyes were glassy, vacant. "Campbell, where..." Her speech was lightly slurred. "Where'm I?"

Fuck.  Campbell moved slowly, coming over to her and kneeling down next to her. Her hair was messy, her clothes askew. Fuck, shit. "Hey. You're at  Harry's party. What do you remember?"

"I don't... I don't feel good."

He  grabbed her a wastebin and held her hair back as she threw up. At some  point, she started to shake, and Campbell ran through the options. First, he had to check to make sure she was breathing okay, check her forehead with the back of his hand to see if she was clammy, check her pulse. She was sweaty and her pulse seemed a little slow, but maybe he could just drive her to the hospital himself.

"Do you think you can walk?" he asked. "I need to get you to a doctor."

Becca shook her head and moaned. "No, no, no. I don't wanna."

"Becca, if someone attacked you..."

"He  didn't. He didn't, I wanted to. I really wanted to, but then everything  got fuzzy and I don't... I don't even remember what he looked like."  She began to cry, hard. "I just wanna go home."

Campbell frowned.  If she had been raped, she needed to see someone. Didn't they test for  DNA and shit? But he wasn't going to further traumatize her by trying to  force her into an emergency room to get prodded at. Not when she was  still drugged. "Alright. Do you want me to take you home?"

She  nodded, leaning against him as he curled an arm around her and helped her to the stairs. Harry gave them a quizzical look as they made their way to the door, but Campbell just shook his head and Harry backed off.  It was a longer walk to Becca's home, but they made it without too many  stumbles. Becca's mother was passed out in the living room, so Campbell  just steered Becca towards the room she pointed at.

Propping her  up with pillow, Campbell tucked Becca into bed, but wasn't sure what to  do after. Someone needed to stay with her for a few hours, make sure  she didn't throw up and choke on it. "Do you want me to call Sam?"

"Don't."  Becca huddled under her blankets, looking pale and miserable. Her voice  was still weak and muffled. "Can you... can you stay for a bit?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure."

Campbell  sat on the floor next to Becca's bed, watching videos on his phone with  the sound muted. Becca drifted in and out of sleep, and every so often  she'd cry again, but she didn't throw up and she managed to keep down  the glass of water Campbell brought her. Four hours later, and Becca  seemed to be pulling out of it; her heart rate was better when Campbell  rechecked, and her speech was clearer.

"Must not have been a big  dose," Campbell muttered. Sick fucking assholes. "I think you're going  to be alright from here, if you want me to go."

"I feel better. Thank you for helping me."

It  would have been easy to just nod and walk out, but he knew she'd just been hurt. Badly. She was probably in shock. Even if she still didn't want to go to the hospital, he had to try a little before he  just left here there. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Becca  chewed her lip. For a moment, Campbell thought she'd reconsider, but she  shook her head and forced a watery smile. "I just want to get some  sleep." The smile faltered as her eyes filled with tears again. "I don't  even know what happened."

"I'm pretty sure you got slipped GHB. That's not your fault, Becca."

She just stared down at her hands. "Can you not tell anyone about this? For now? Maybe... I need to think."

"Of course."

"Thank you."

Campbell  picked up Becca's phone, adding his number into the contact list. "When  you wake up tomorrow, if you need anything or want me to take you  somewhere, or get you something, text me. Okay?"

"Okay."

And  that was that. Campbell headed home, his mind racing as he tried to figure out what to do next. He couldn't tell Sam, and he couldn't tell Harry. Not yet, not without Becca's permission. Was it someone they knew? One of those leering frat boys Harry invited in? What if they gave  Becca HIV or something? There was nothing he could do, not without  betraying whatever thin amount of trust or friendship there was between  them. All he could do was go home and wait.

What the hell was  wrong with their town? Sam, getting a weird infection that took his  hearing. Cassandra, with her heart problem and them both having strange  brain wiring, cancer that just suddenly appeared and killed a man,  hoarding and drugs and alcohol and, and, and... It seemed like it was  just a never ending bunch of bullshit. What, was the town built on some  kind of goddamn burial ground or something? He used to find people's  petty dramas amusing, but looking back, things had always been just one  rotten thing after another.

Campbell stood outside his home,  gazing towards the door. It was past one in the morning, and he could  see the light on in the living room. Maybe he could just... not come  home at all. Shaking his head, he walked up the steps and opened the  door. His parents were there, waiting. He didn't even try to speak  first, or explain.

"Where have you been?" his mother snapped. "It's almost two!"

"Sorry. A friend of mine got sick and I had to make sure they were okay."

His father crossed his arms. "You're supposed to called. Who was this friend? Where are their parents?"

"Are you gonna ground me, or what? Because it's been a really bad night and I kinda wanna just go to bed."

"Apologize properly, and we'll think about it."

Campbell closed his eyes a moment, taking a slow breath. "I'm sorry that I didn't call. It won't happen again." You fucking creeps. "May I go upstairs now?"

"Fine. Go."

No  need to be told twice. Campbell headed to his room and took a long shower, rinsing the smell of booze and smoke off him; if his parents had  noticed, they had chosen not to bring it up. Yet. A small miracle, maybe. By the time he crawled into bed, he could barely keep his eyes open. He'd figure out what to do in the morning. It  was April. Three months until graduation. After that, the town poison  wouldn't be his worry anymore.

With luck, until then, things wouldn't get worse.

[gffa]

It’s totally cool to be crying over STAR WARS and then crying over Star Wars fic, too, right? Yes, totally cool, totally fine. STAR WARS FIC RECS: ✦ Hear no Evil, Speak no Evil by ChibiObiwan (araedan), obi-wan/anakin, human au, 7.9k    Forced to flee the city from both the plague and men hunting him, Anakin takes refuge at a Convent under the pretense of being both deaf and dumb. Brother Kenobi, a monk who has secluded himself amongst Nuns for a reason, is at first skeptical but then protective of the seemingly innocent man. ✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan (sort of), 68.6k wip    During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone. ✦ Sith Anakimono. by lurkingcrow, obi-wan/anakin(/padme), sith!obi-wan, 1.5k    Imagine if you will, a universe where Knight Kenobi and Padawan Skywalker are unexpectedly lost on a mission, and find themselves stuck on a planet/in an ancient temple with a bevy of Sith ghosts for company. ✦ Clarity by anecdotalist, obi-wan/anakin & anakin/padme & ahsoka & cast, 82.1k wip    Anakin’s jealousy leads to the start of something new between him and Obi-Wan and a lot of frank discussions about things they should have talked about but didn’t in canon. ✦ The Exchange by MissLearn, obi-wan & anakin & some anakin/padme & ahsoka & qui-gon & rex & cast, time travel, 77k wip    The Daughter has a bad day and it irrevocably changes the fate of the galaxy, twice over. Or; ROTS Obi-Wan and Anakin are swapped with their younger, TPM, selves. It changes things, in both parallels. ✦ In Time by Ripki, obi-wan & anakin, time travel, 4.9k wip    As the Clone Wars drags on and the secrets between them grow, Anakin and Obi-Wan have begun to drift apart. When a mysterious holocron sends them through time, they don’t only have to confront their past and future – but the present as well. (Or the Force, frustrated and tired with all their bullshit, sends the Team to an unconventional couple’s therapy.) ✦ Precipice Bonus Content by shadowsong26, obi-wan & anakin & leia & ahsoka, 2.9k wip    Bonus fics and other snippets in the Precipice universe. ✦ Cataclasm by dendral, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & waxer & cast, 51.9k wip    For reasons unknown to all but himself, Obi-Wan Kenobi has left the Jedi Order in the midst of the Clone Wars, taking with him a single clone. Anakin Skywalker has been unofficially tasked by the Order to find Obi-Wan and bring him home. Unfortunately for Anakin, it seems his former master is always ten steps ahead of him. ✦ “The Padawan Chooses The Master” by lurkingcrow, obi-wan & anakin & cast, 3.6k    prompt: AU - The Jedi say “The Padawan Chooses The Master” Qui Gon lives, Obi Wan is very preoccupied, and Anakin is put into the creche as an Initiate to learn what he can until Qui Gon wakes up from his coma and gets yelled at by the Council. In the meantime, Anakin meets other Jedi Masters and when the Council asks him who he wants to be his teacher, his answer isn’t Qui Gon. Instead it’s *insert your fav Jedi here* ✦ Obikin Drabble by fn_6969, obi-wan/anakin, ~1k    Anonymous prompt: “fic idea- darth vader thinking about obi-wan oh no” ✦ untitled by subskywalker, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, d/s elements, 1.5k    Anonymous asked: Could you do a headcanon about Sith emperor!Obi-Wan and his Sith apprentice Anakin…who is also his sub?? ✦ For the Sake of the Mission by TheKinkAwakens (thekinkawakens), obi-wan/anakin/padme, NSFW, 2.6k    Anakin and Obi-Wan have to go undercover as Padmé’s husbands. Of course, no one mentioned the public display of ‘pleasure’ they’d have to put on to prove their loyalty to her. ✦ Surrender to the Light by Raven_Knight, obi-wan & anakin & luke & qui-gon, 1.1k    Ben Kenobi knew exactly what he was doing when he saw Luke watching his duel with Darth Vader. ✦ The Sun and the Ocean by zarabithia, obi-wan/anakin/padme, 2.3k    Five things that happened when the twins were born early. hint: threesomes happen and assholes die. full details + recs under the cut! 

STAR WARS FIC RECS: ✦ Hear no Evil, Speak no Evil by ChibiObiwan (araedan), obi-wan/anakin, human au, 7.9k    Forced to flee the city from both the plague and men hunting him, Anakin takes refuge at a Convent under the pretense of being both deaf and dumb. Brother Kenobi, a monk who has secluded himself amongst Nuns for a reason, is at first skeptical but then protective of the seemingly innocent man.    This was really cute and adorable! It’s an Obikin version of that Virgin Territory movie (where Hayden is the prettiest person you have ever seen, oh my god) and it just sort of sailed right by for me because it was happily embracing the fun, cracky concept it was putting forth, that Anakin wound up in a convent with Obi-Wan as a monk there and of course they’re wildly attracted to each other, even as Obi-Wan thinks that Anakin is deaf and mute. It’s just this light-hearted, silly romp in all the ways it was meant to be and put such a smile on my face! ✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan (sort of), 68.6k wip    During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone.    Chapter 14: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. As always, even before I begin writing this rec, I’m sure it will be a completely ridiculous one, because this fic is tailored to hit my wants, as well as being so well thought out and so well-written that I can’t not talk about everything that comes up in it! Which means spoilers for the events of the chapter and everything up to this point, of course! One of the things that I really love, as odd as it might sound, is that not everything is perfect, that it’s been almost 70k of fic and it’s been fourteen chapters and they had even more intimate sex in the previous chapter, hell, even several chapters ago, Anakin told Obi-Wan about the murder of the Tuskens. If the fic had made everything smooth between them, I wouldn’t have complained, because it certainly laid down a lot of the work necessary to smooth that path out–but it’s not all perfect between them, even as they’ve grown so much closer, and as much as I love when things are fixed, I love it even more when it takes time and it’s not a straight line there, because it gives further weight to just how much those issues do mean when it comes to Anakin, that it actually wasn’t so easy to do and that’s why it took so long to get them even this far. That Anakin doesn’t tell Obi-Wan about the hand he felt on him in a previous chapter when he and Isten went to confront Ugly, that Veris knows exactly how to use this, that Anakin still fearsthat Obi-Wan will reject him, that he’s wrong to hide this, but it’s so, so understandable why he does, that the entire chapter ends in a not-quite-fight, all of that was so incredibly true to who Anakin Skywalker is that I just wanted to roll around in it.    Of course, it’s not just that, either–it’s also in the way he sees Isten and Veris’ interaction, the way Veris treats him as well, the way he calls Anakin a stubborn boy, with fondness and exasperation, the way he’s commanding and Anakin may be annoyed, but also it felt like some part of him unthinkingly responded to it, wanted to, while the imagery shared between them still chafes at him because he’s still fighting it. I love that Isten (WHO IS SUCH A BREAKOUT VERSION OF ANAKIN HE IS SO MUCH FUN) is so brash and cocky when he speaks aloud, but is much more obedient when mind-speaking with Veris, the contrast between the two sent a shiver through me because, oh, yes, he wants that, this is his balance and it works so well for him. All of this is tied up in the imagery that Anakin glimpses, the version of Anakin Skywalker naked and kneeling and bound up with ropes, the one who is at peace and wanted there, but by who? Isten? Versis? Obi-Wan? Anakin? All of them or maybe only some of them? This is where the deliberate care with the interactions really is highlighted and you can see why these Sith versions are my favorite–because they’re reflecfions of wants and desires and thoughts from Obi-Wan and Anakin, but also they’re their own people made real now, so everything is a murky fog to try to peer through, to see what the truth is, and that is so good, both for me as a reader and for the legit well-written story!    There are so many other little moments I loved here, too–Isten sleeping across Veris, the sense of two very large predatory cats lounging against each other, sleepy for now, but something dangerous hidden underneath. The way Veris seems so incredibly fond of Anakin, that I truly felt the gentleness there, that he had no wish to harm him, that this is the last person he’d want to harm–unless he was somehow a threat to Isten and then Veris would cut anythingdown, even the original source of the one he loves so much. That he’s gentle with both Anakin and Isten when looking inside them, gentle and yet so sharp and cutting, someone not to be denied, and yet you feel the difference, that there’s such easy and familiarity and desire with Isten, while with Anakin it’s a more distant fondness. And there’s such rich, lucious imagery in this chapter, as Veris is in Anakin’s mindscape and vice versa, the rich, roiling darkness, the flower buds on the vine that were so nicely done I could practically feel their weight in my hand and smell them in the air. As well as the dream Veris has in the beginning, the imagery and sense of a person not being where you think they are, that you held onto them and still somehow what you’re holding onto isn’t them, the light and deft touch that let my own imagination do the shading in of the creepy things to match the creepy descriptions, is beautifully done and you can just feel how much the author enjoys writing creeping horror and how good it is here!    But also I’m still stuck on how Anakin withheld things from Obi-Wan, because I didn’t quite expect it and I should have. The way Isten, who seems so charming and fey and uncaring at times, absolutely will follow Veris’ orders, you remember that when he looks over the campfire and Anakin tells him, “Master wants to see you.” and his eyes catch on the firelight. And the way, of course Obi-Wan finds out, the absolutely justified frustration he feels and how badly Anakin takes it, even when Obi-Wan reaches out and touches him and shows such care for him, because Anakin overreacting and bringing his own fears and issues to the table is spot fucking on. The way Obi-Wan does not take well that Veris opened Anakin up and looked into him, even manipulated him (if in a very obvious way) and how it’s different from what Veris does on behalf of Isten, but also very, very much a deliberate parallel. The way all of this is about these twisting and twining versions of each other, desires and light and dark and balance, that there’s such darkness in Anakin and he’s trying to work through it, but he’s not there yet, having someone who likes that darkness versus someone who isn’t afraid of it but doesn’t fling them into it, the way Anakin is so wound up and still has so many knots in himself to untangle, oh, it’s such a complicated thing and it’s all there in the fic, in the way he interacts with each of them!    Which is why I am so glad the fic ended on Anakin and Isten off together again because they are an absolute joy around each other and I always come away from their scenes with more to think about in regards to Anakin’s character at heart, just as much as I come away with Isten’s relationship with Veris will always reflect something of Anakin’s relationship with Obi-Wan, that they don’t have to be the same for me to draw insight from, and let me tell you about how incredibly satisfying and engaging that makes the fic. I can’t believe there are only four chapters left and I still don’t know how it’s going to end and I’m still so eager to find out and yet never want to leave this one! It really is one of the author’s best and one I would encourage anyone who’s a fan of the pairing to read or just wants a good fic that does the heavy lifting of the pairing while still being subtle and thoughtful. Or just wants a good case story to go with their pairing fic! ✦ Sith Anakimono. by lurkingcrow, obi-wan/anakin(/padme), sith!obi-wan, 1.5k    Imagine if you will, a universe where Knight Kenobi and Padawan Skywalker are unexpectedly lost on a mission, and find themselves stuck on a planet/in an ancient temple with a bevy of Sith ghosts for company.    It’s been a week for Sith!Obi-Wan fic again apparently! And this was a lovely piece where it’s a sketched outline/half-fic piece where Obi-Wan and Anakin are stuck in a Sith Temple, it’s getting to Anakin, and so Obi-Wan takes the Fall to save him instead, which then becomes all about how much Obi-Wan loves him and won’t let anything bad touch him and how of course Anakin follows him, as he always does, and they become entirely co-dependent on each other and stuck in this feedback loop together and, oh, it’s just so satisfying to me, who loves these two and their relationship so much. Padme is eventually roped into this as well, it’s eventually an ot3, but it’s just such a charming and fun AU fic, that there’s something warm and kind in this AU, it’s just so satisfying and happy to read! Like, there’s something legitimately engaging here that makes it not really that cracky so much as fun and easy to see in my mind’s eye and hits on all these really wonderful beats and it’s just clearly designed to make me happy while reading it! ✦ Clarity by anecdotalist, obi-wan/anakin & anakin/padme & ahsoka & cast, 82.1k wip    Anakin’s jealousy leads to the start of something new between him and Obi-Wan and a lot of frank discussions about things they should have talked about but didn’t in canon.    Chapter 16: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. I actually went back to reread chapter 15 when picking this one up again and I loved being able to settle in for a nicely long read and I’m still just totally hooked on everything going on here, that this is a universe where Order 66 still happens, but things have changed and the fic doesn’t gloss over that. One of the neatest things is how much time is being spent on the actual investigation into the clones and what happened, that they’re fumbling blind on this issue and have no idea what’s doing it or where to start looking, so they really have to work at it! And this brings Shaak Ti into the picture and, oh, she’s wonderful, there’s such a serenity to her even when there’s also an intensity to her at the same time, it’s lovely and perfect for her. There’s a bunch of little moments I loved–Cody being super deadpan! Obi-Wan making it worse because that guy always has a quip to make it worse and of course he finds it funny! Anakin practically crawling into Obi-Wan’s lap when he’s happy and wants kisses! the reunion with Shaak Ti! Obi-Wan and Anakin eating dessert in bed and talking, a moment of quiet before everything starts happening again!–that it feels really well balanced between the more quiet, intimate moments and the bigger plot happenings.    It’s a fic that balances between all the shit that’s happening in the story at the moment, but still gives hope and affection and love and humor when it’s needed. It’s a story that clearly cares about the characters and plot it’s writing, it’s a story that clearly loves the Obikin pairing at the heart of it, but also wants to write the plot around it, doing both justice and weaving the two together. And it’s a fic that I’m definitely eager to see where it goes next, now that the Kamino trip has gone well (or at least well enough) because it’s just such a good story being told here! ✦ The Exchange by MissLearn, obi-wan & anakin & some anakin/padme & ahsoka & qui-gon & rex & cast, time travel, 77k wip    The Daughter has a bad day and it irrevocably changes the fate of the galaxy, twice over. Or; ROTS Obi-Wan and Anakin are swapped with their younger, TPM, selves. It changes things, in both parallels.    Chapters 12-13: This is an update rec and will focus on these chapters, rather than the fic as a whole. There’s been about 20k added to this fic since the last time I caught up on it and this was both a good and bad decision to wait–I lovereading bigger chunks of this fic at once, it’s such a warm, soothing story even in the middle of all the angsty stuff, but also now that I’ve finished with it, I have something of a fic hangover and I don’t want a new one, I want more of this thisone for the next day or so! I will warn that there are a lot of typos and such in the writing, but I do so because I want to encourage readers past them because this is honestly one of the fics I look forward to most, as it’s just so solid in everything it does. It’s a story that has fun with the time travel aspect and does the necessary heavy lifting to show the changes, it doesn’t forget about Qui-Gon or Ahsoka or Padme or Palpatine or Maul or the Jedi or the Clones, they’re all very important here, but at its heart, it’s about Obi-Wan and Anakin. At the center of the story, it’s about repairing the relationship between them, it’s about giving them them circumstances that would force them to look at it and then letting them naturally do what they would, to show that the majority of their problems were external and they just needed the right space to see that.    And, oh, it’s so good for both characters, it really takes its time with repairing it from both sides, that Obi-Wan is more explicit in his care for Anakin, sees that Anakin needs more of it, and Anakin understands just how little consideration he’s actually given Obi-Wan despite how much he loves him and needs him. These chapters have another swap happening, where Anakin is put back to his right time, but Obi-Wan isn’t, so you have moppet!Anakin with ROTS!Obi-Wan and Knight!Anakin with TPM!Obi-Wan and, despite that they just spent 50k working on things in such an emotionally satisfying way, the fic doesn’t stop there, it keeps going with Anakin further realizing just how much has been placed on Obi-Wan’s shoulders and just how much Anakin hasn’t seen that. It lets ROTS!Obi-Wan look at bb!Anakin and wonder if the path of the Jedi is right for him, but in a really warm-hearted way, where both paths are valuable. And, oh, when TPM!Obi-Wan has a conversation about the Jedi and emotions, how love and attachment aren’t the same thing, that it comes in such a way that works for the scene it’s in, I practically melted for how much this fic really got the Jedi in a way that’s right to canon, in a way that’s right to these characters, and in a way that’s kind. It was so incredibly satisfying and cathartic and made me love all of these characters more, because this is building up instead of tearing down.    But most of all it’s the way the fic really embraces so many things that need talking about and gives them the space to do so in a really understanding and constructive way, that it doesn’t feel like it’s giving canon the middle finger, but instead building up from there and then just nailing what the characters are feeling and how they would see the situation and what they bring to the table. Anakin and Padme’s relationship needing to grow, but in a way that makes me root for them! Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship having grown so much and still needs more, in a way that shows just how important they are to each other and how good they are together! Ahsoka having issues with Anakin but it comes from a place of love and their relationship grows as well! Anakin really having to think about what his path in life should be! That the TPM versions of the characters and the ROTS versions of the characters are the same person and yet there’s such stark differences in who each of them are, that they affected each other and the war affected them, both in good and bad ways! Just, oh, man, this fic is so well written for how it gets all of that down and lights me up, that it’s 77k into the fic and it’s still absolutely doing justice to how much there is to unpack and have them work through, in a way that’s so engaging and so thoughtful and really, really emotionally satisfying. I cannot rave enough about that warm glow I feel every time I read more of this fic! ✦ In Time by Ripki, obi-wan & anakin, time travel, 4.9k wip    As the Clone Wars drags on and the secrets between them grow, Anakin and Obi-Wan have begun to drift apart. When a mysterious holocron sends them through time, they don’t only have to confront their past and future – but the present as well. (Or the Force, frustrated and tired with all their bullshit, sends the Team to an unconventional couple’s therapy.)    This fic is only two chapters so far but I’m already absolutely hooked on it and completely endeared to it! They’re being bounced around to different significant moments of their lives, which mean big dramatic reveals happen, just dropped right in their laps and they barely have time to catch their breath before on to the next one, but where the fic really works is that you can feel those conversations are still coming, it’s not glossing over the aftermath of them (which is where the real fun is) but instead they’re still trying to stop spinning first. And this is definitely centered on Obi-Wan and Anakin’s relationship, the emotional weight between them and you feel that especially hard in the second chapter where there’s so much love and hurt born from love there, it was such a bittersweet scene in exactly the way the fic intended it to be. There’s so much history and connection there, so much sadness and yet love and hope, just the way Obi-Wan watches Anakin and watches the people they stumble over, there’s something he just gets and it’s perfectly done. But also Anakin! Being kind of a disaster in that brilliant way of his! Banter! Breaking the tension by teasing each other! It’s already so good and I wan’t wait for more. ✦ Precipice Bonus Content by shadowsong26, obi-wan & anakin & leia & ahsoka, 2.9k wip    Bonus fics and other snippets in the Precipice universe.    You probably have to at least be familiar with the Precipice story to read these, though, my favorite of chapter 3 where Anakin and Obi-Wan discuss Leia’s dream, can be read just knowing that the twins are being raised separately, Luke with Padme and Leia with Anakin, and she’s getting old enough to start talking about her connections with Luke and she’ll have questions soon. While I enjoy all of the ficlets in this series (the Ahsoka one had such a lovely bittersweet longing as she almost sees Padme again), that chapter was my favorite for the complicated, difficult position Anakin was in. Telling the truth would put everyone in danger, would put children in danger, would risk their lives, but also Anakin chafes at the idea, and it’s not an easy decision and the light, delicate touches on his relationship with Obi-Wan, who is there to help him, is just so satisfying, to see Anakin put in a position where the answers aren’t so easy and it just makes me love him and everyone more and want the best for all of them. So, I really enjoyed this piece for the quiet tables turning in a gentle, bittersweet way! ✦ Cataclasm by dendral, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & waxer & cast, 51.9k wip    For reasons unknown to all but himself, Obi-Wan Kenobi has left the Jedi Order in the midst of the Clone Wars, taking with him a single clone. Anakin Skywalker has been unofficially tasked by the Order to find Obi-Wan and bring him home. Unfortunately for Anakin, it seems his former master is always ten steps ahead of him.    Chapter 11: This will be an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. This continues to be a fic that I never expected to actually have, it’s one of those that I feel like is a “Oh, wouldn’t it be great if someone wrote it and did it justice…?” but usually doesn’t happen, even in the bigger fandoms. But Obi-Wan getting visions and leaving the Order, but still being absolutely a Jedi at heart, that the worldbuilding and understanding of the GFFA, the sheer amount of charm and charisma in the writing that makes me want to read about everyone and everything here, it still sort of boggles me a little! And that’s exactly what I mean when I say this chapter is a slower one, where Waxer gets sick and he and Obi-Wan just spend some time on their ship alone, but it’s great character and world-illustrating stuff in these little small but incredibly charismatic ways, it gets these characters and makes them so, so easy to read about. “Waxer gets the flu and has to drink a terrible thing to help him.” shouldn’t be that interesting and, yet, with this fic it is!    Because it’s also about the banter between the characters, it’s also about showing who Obi-Wan is, it’s about showing the dynamic between these characters once they’re away from the rules of the Republic that have been set down on the clones and Jedi both, that we get to see that friendship evolve as the fic actually does the work of showing us, in a very natural and organic sort of way. But it’s also heartbreaking, as Waxer is no longer part of the Republic that owns him, and the individuality that he’d been granted as much as he could have been, starts to grow and he really starts to think about what he wants and what his life means, and it’s not an easy thing, becuase the clones got such a raw deal and it’s heartbreaking to read here, even as I have hope for something better.    Basically, the fic is doing everything it needs to to hit my id straight on and be a legit wonderfully written story, right down to one of my favorite things in fandom–taking two characters who aren’t that close, throwing them into a seperate story and seeing how they interaction, which the fic does brilliantly, makes me care about them all over again, and really and truly gets both of them, in a really sharp, interesting way! This is a fic to read even if you’re just sort of a casual fan, even if I sort of worry that it’ll kinda spoil you for the rest of fandom. It’s just so good! Obi-Wan is so spot on, Waxer is so well-written, the other characters (like Ahsoka and Bant and Mace and, oh, Anakin) have been given so much thought and understanding for why they are how they are and it’s “Obi-Wan and Waxer go around trying to fix the galaxy as best they can” kind of road trip antics that are so, so satisfying. ✦ “The Padawan Chooses The Master” by lurkingcrow, obi-wan & anakin & cast, 3.6k    prompt: AU - The Jedi say “The Padawan Chooses The Master” Qui Gon lives, Obi Wan is very preoccupied, and Anakin is put into the creche as an Initiate to learn what he can until Qui Gon wakes up from his coma and gets yelled at by the Council. In the meantime, Anakin meets other Jedi Masters and when the Council asks him who he wants to be his teacher, his answer isn’t Qui Gon. Instead it’s *insert your fav Jedi here*    I’ve probably recommended this one before, but I reread it again recently and was just as in love with it as ever, because it’s so good-hearted and so sparkling and so spot-on, both in the details it pulls in from the GFFA and the worldbuilding it does in the background. I love it because it’s a fic designed to give Anakin some more breathing room when he first comes to the Jedi, to get used to life as an Initiate and also that way Palpatine can’t have access to him, because that’s not the same thing as a Padawan, who has more independence in choosing who they hang out with, which means he doesn’t have the same poison being dripped in his ear. It also means there’s more time with various teachers to bond with Anakin, where sometimes they’re serious about getting his attention and sometimes they’re not, they just want to have some fun or teach him some things (THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING, when people aren’t wholly serious about vying for someone’s attention, but do so in a way that’s clearly meant to be fun for everyone) and it shows the heart of the Jedi and who they are without outside influence. It’s understandable why it didn’t go this way in canon (Anakin needed the security of having his position as Obi-Wan’s Padawan locked down tight) but it balances that against how this feels true to the spirit of the Jedi and is just an absolutely screaming delight to read! And, oh, when Anakin does choose his Master, it’s better for everyone that they had this breathing space, that everyone had more time to adjust to the new places in their lives and have more experience, in addition to just being really sparkling and charming to read. It’s cute as fuck and leaves me with a warm glow every single time and that feeling is the best. ✦ Obikin Drabble by fn_6969, obi-wan/anakin, ~1k    Anonymous prompt: “fic idea- darth vader thinking about obi-wan oh no”    This was a short but feelings-laden piece about Vader thinking about Obi-Wan, it’s softer and probably more leaning towards Anakin recognizing the truly monstrous betrayal he’s done, but it was all about making me want to slump down in my seat and cry about my feelings on these two, this character especially, and it accomplished that! ✦ untitled by subskywalker, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, d/s elements, 1.5k    Anonymous asked: Could you do a headcanon about Sith emperor!Obi-Wan and his Sith apprentice Anakin…who is also his sub??    This is a series of headcanons and it’s very much about embracing the iddy aspect of Sith!Emperor!Obi-Wan and sub!Vaderkin in a very porny way, but if you’re hanging around my blog, there’s a reasonable chance you’re into that kind of thing and god knows I really had fun reading it! It’s cheerfully filthy, it’s an excuse for pure porn, and it’s meant to hit a person’s id dead on, if that’s your thing, and, look, we all know I have a weakness for this and I’m really, really here for this, especially when it’s clear the OP is having an absolute blast with it! ✦ For the Sake of the Mission by TheKinkAwakens (thekinkawakens), obi-wan/anakin/padme, NSFW, 2.6k    Anakin and Obi-Wan have to go undercover as Padmé’s husbands. Of course, no one mentioned the public display of 'pleasure’ they’d have to put on to prove their loyalty to her.    I have not read nearly enough undercover fic in this fandom yet and so this was a delightful fic to find, where Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme go undercover on a mission as the description says and, of course, that means Obi-Wan and Anakin need to touch each other to not blow their cover and what could have given me secondhand embarrassment neatly avoided that feeling for me and instead there was just something fun and light-hearted about this story. It was a really fun read to find today! ✦ Surrender to the Light by Raven_Knight, obi-wan & anakin & luke & qui-gon, 1.1k    Ben Kenobi knew exactly what he was doing when he saw Luke watching his duel with Darth Vader.    A look at Obi-Wan’s point of view during the duel on the Death Star and everything that’s brought them all to this point, the history with Anakin that’s soweighhty, but also the hope for the future with Luke. Canon shows us that Obi-Wan’s motivation was to buy time for Luke to get to safety, away from Vader, to take Leia and Han with him, but I found this an interesting piece that delved into what the Force was telling him and what Obi-Wan hoped for the future. ✦ The Sun and the Ocean by zarabithia, obi-wan/anakin/padme, 2.3k    Five things that happened when the twins were born early. hint: threesomes happen and assholes die.    This is a totally cute, fun, fluffy Happily Ever After fic and I need more of those in my life! It does do the attachment = love thing, which is contradicted by canon, and it sort of stuck out all the more because it was a jab in an otherwise warm-hearted, good-spirited fic, but I only mention as a caveat for those who care about that and to encourage past it, because this was soft and adorable and just gleefully embracing the making of everyone happy! It was just the right length for a oneshot and was all warm and fuzzy with how the twins being born early shifted the focus enough to let everything turn out better and I NEED HAPPY THINGS IN MY LIFE I will read all of the happy Obianidala fic, especially when it’s just bouncy and fun!

[catcomixzstudios]

How To Life Chapter 49

How To Avoid Being An Asshole

- NEVER create a religion out of these guiding beliefs, and ESPECIALLY NEVER create a religion out of these guiding beliefs where you spread the message by killing, harming, and/or prosecuting others who do not share your beliefs. Religions, in theory, generally seek to do good in the world. I respect that. However, almost all religions (or even just groups of people) will usually develop at least a sub-sect of individuals who spread messages of goodwill towards others by violently attacking them. It’s vain of me to assume someone would try to make a religion out of these ideals, but just in case, I’d like to clearly state that I do NOT want that to happen. That person is doing something I don’t approve of. If these guiding beliefs help you, that’s awesome, but I don’t want it to be any more than that. If you ever have to cause harm to someone else to try and spread a message, that to me says that either your message is shit, or at least you yourself are a piece of shit.

- Don’t kill, harm, or threaten people, animals, etc if you don’t have to. This is a very tough thing to fully elaborate on. I firmly believe that most situations can be resolved without the use of violence. But if someone is trying to stab you, I don’t think it’s bad to try and defend yourself. To me, violence is always and absolutely the last option and NEVER something you should start. If others have hurt you, acting on their level isn’t how you beat them. Be better than them. Actions taken on a violent impulse tend to have drastic consequences. Obviously I can’t speak to every single possible scenario, but you should seek to avoid causing others physical or mental harm whenever possible. A vast majority of people will likely not be trying to kill or hurt you. As a matter of respect, you should do the same for others.

- Don’t be a dick to people. You don’t have to be friends with everyone you meet to offer even the most basic levels of respect. If someone helps or just offers to help, be thankful. If someone disagrees with you, you don’t have to be an asshole about it. If someone’s a dick to you, dwelling on it is only going to get you to act that way as well. Not every day is a good day, of course, but trying to make other people’s lives worse because of your issues isn’t helping anyone. You have to take a stand at times, of course, but try to pick your battles wisely. Some dicks are going to be dicks no matter what you do, and just aren’t worth the time or brain-space. We have to live together, so the least we can do is go about our business without pissing each other off when we can.

- Don’t rape or molest others. No one owes you sex, no matter who they are or what you’ve done for them. You don’t owe anyone else sex, no matter who they are or what they’ve done for you. Your body is your own, and everyone else’s bodies are their own. Forcing or trying to coerce someone into sex they aren’t interested in is one of the most shitty things you can do to another person. Listen to people. If you pay even the slightest bit of attention, they will give you cues on how comfortable they are. If you choose to ignore these and force someone into that situation anyway, then I absolutely hope the most horrible things possible happen to you.

- Never own another human being. Slavery is great if you’re a slave owner. Lots of free labor done by people you get to mistreat with no repercussions. If the tables were turned however, I don’t think you’d be so happy to get up in the morning. I hope it becomes REALLY obvious that forcing or coercing people into shitty situations is a shitty thing to do. No sentient species should be subservient to their own people. No one should live a life feeling like they can never escape.

- Don’t use drugs or other things that can have a negative impact on yourself and others. With things like alcohol, use it responsibly. The medical field has made great strides with drugs that can help treat diseases and increase our chances of survival. Crystal meth is not one of those drugs. Hardcore drugs like that will fuck your body up something fierce, and the “benefits” are not worth it. Unless you enjoy staying up for several days straight and feeling like invisible spiders are crawling all over you. On the other hand, there are things like marijuana and alcohol. While I don’t use them myself, if used responsibly, I don’t think there are any problems with things like that. Those can be just as (if not more) problematic than the hardcore drugs if handled poorly, however.  

- Don’t steal from others. Would you be happy if your most prized possession was stolen from you? I’d wager not. Respect people’s property. If people have bought or made something, taking it from them is a dick move. There certainly will be cases where a person might have to steal to survive, but there’s a big difference between that and taking your neighbor’s sweet new laptop because you hate your current one.

- Don’t break or damage people’s stuff. Pretty much the same idea as stealing, while also remembering that destroying something of someone else’s is an asshole thing to do as well. If someone stealing your stuff makes you unhappy, just imagine how you’ll feel if it turns out they broke it instead?

- Don’t lie whenever possible. Spreading lies, mistruths, or withholding important information can and often will make situations worse. Technically, telling the truth in some cases may do that as well, but I’d personally rather learn to accept truths then become more comfortable with lies. Like with most things, there are levels of lying; saying you’re having a good day rather than a mediocre one isn’t on the same level as blaming someone else for a theft you committed. It’s absolutely good to tell the truth in most cases, but I will begrudgingly admit that sometimes you might have to lie to keep the peace. Just understand that lies built on lies may eventually be revealed as being just that, and the fallout for it will be much worse.

- Avoid holding grudges. Do the best you can to hang onto the positivity in life. I firmly believe that most people are generally good, though it might not always show. We can be distrusting and rude to one another, but at least part of that comes from a fear of the unknown. There might be some individuals that you come to know that hurt you, but I promise there will be others who want to help you. Focus on those that want to help you and who make your life better. I’m not asking you to completely forgive those that have wronged you; you owe them nothing. But once you can get them out of your life, don’t let your anger towards them continue to pull you back in. Doing so only serves to hurt your more.

- Try not to get too worked up over little things. In the day to day, lots of small annoyances will come and go. If you choose to hold onto them and let them keep breaking you down, it will make things worse. Acknowledge them, of course. Don’t pretend that bad things have never happened. Yet find time to consider how important some of these things might be. Consider what situations are things you won’t ever have to worry about a few years down the line, let alone even for tomorrow.

- Don’t fear those that are different from yourself. Things that you don’t know or fully understand can be intimidating. Some people react by dismissing these things. Some react by showing overt aggression. Most of the time, however, those that are different from yourself simply live their lives in a different way (usually one that doesn’t negatively impact you). There will certainly be individuals that seek to harm you for aspects of your being that you may or may not have control over, but spreading more of that behavior around never serves to make things better; it just validates fear. Try to look with fresh eyes to people that live differently but mean no harm. To me, it’s the differences between individuals that make life interesting and help us grow.

- (Generally) avoid absolutes. Very few matters in life are purely black and white matters of good and evil. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that one certain thing is always good or bad, but keep in mind that all groups are made up of individuals. Many things we get angry about are merely tools, and while some might absolutely be misused, it is the singular cases we should focus on. This isn’t always possible or practical, of course, but deciding that any thing or person is ultimately one way or another without much evidence can be dangerous. Carefully put pieces of evidence together and draw your own conclusions.

- Try to avoid frustration from perceived ignorance. Or to put it another way, remember that not everyone has the knowledge and/or the experience that you do. We’ve all lived different lives and had different experiences. Some of us have obtained much more knowledge of a particular topic over time, and keeping in mind that most others haven’t had the same opportunity will help you avoid some minor frustrations. Remembering that for yourself when learning from others will also help.

- Never get a tattoo of a romantic partner’s name. Look I know you might really love the person you’re with right now. But I swear, like the day after you get that tattoo of that person’s name, you’ll totally have some big fight or something and possibly even break up right there. Then you’re gonna be stuck with a tattoo of your exe’s name and you’ll have to go through a whole big process to either cover it up or get rid of it. Tattoos can be pretty awesome, mind you, but just be absolutely sure it’s something you won’t regret to have on your body like 50 years from now.

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[beautypoweranddeath]

Dostoevsky, Desire, and Soullessness in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

This semester I wanted to do some work on nihilism, and one of the books my professor recommended I write on was Dostoevsky’s Demons.  Since that sounded like a lot more fun than just writing on Heidegger or Nietzsche (both of whom I ended up writing on for another class anyway), I decided I’d pick up the novel.  Now, this was my first time reading a Dostoevsky novel.  I didn’t know what I was in for, or honestly what the novel was even about.  However, I did know enough to print out a cheat sheet of character names so I wouldn’t get completely lost among the huge cast list in which everyone has their long Russian name, a title or two, and a patronymic.  And on my list, next to Stavrogin’s name, it said “the main character”, and then simply: “has many of the characteristics traditionally ascribed to vampires”.  My first thought was “wtf”, and then my second, Buffy-loving trash self’s thought was “awww yiss”.  Little did I know I would be solving the dilemma of what the heck “having a soul” entails in the Buffyverse.  Buckle up, folks.  

I will be spoiling pretty much all of BTVS, sections of Angel, and most of Demons.  I’ll touch briefly on some of the typical triggers for the Whedonverse, but plan to leave out the really triggery parts of Demons, i.e. Stavrogin’s written confession in the alternative censored chapter.

When Stavrogin is first introduced he seems to be a kind of mild-mannered society boy, except that he occasionally does very strange, kind of violent things, with absolutely no warning and for no apparent reason.  He bites a diplomat’s ear at a fancy party. (This gradually turns into something of a meme within the community depicted in the novel.  People are literally described as “ear-biters” when they behave strangely or unexpectedly.  It’s hilarious.)  He makes out with his host’s wife at a social gathering.  And in both cases, when everybody’s shocked and horrified with him, he appears genuinely confused as to what all the fuss is about.  His family decides he has brain fever, he gets medical care, and almost everyone figures he was just temporarily insane.

When Stavrogin returns later in the book, he’s seems to be cured - he knows how to behave in society, he’s not obviously breaking any rules, and there’s even a kind of chilling beauty to him.  But then, there’s a chapter midway through the book, where Stavrogin converses separately with two wildly different characters.  The first is a man who is dispassionately planning to kill himself, not because of any sadness, despair, or mental illness, but out of a French-existentialist-type belief that the man who rejects life as given to him makes himself a god.  (“For three years I have been searching for the attribute of my divinity, and I have found it: the attribute of my divinity is – self-will!  That is all, by which I can show in the main point my insubordination and my new fearsome freedom.  For it is very fearsome.  I kill myself to show my insubordination and my new fearsome freedom.”)  The second man is one of the few good characters, an idealist who loves his country and recognizes that without God, Russia will always be lost.  And it is revealed that both of these men received their worldview from talking to Stavrogin some years ago.  But it wasn’t the case that he had changed his mind, believed that life is meaningless and suicide is power at one point, and that loyalty and love of God are great values at another point.  He was talking to both men concurrently; he was married to neither belief, just saying things for the sake of saying them - he created both the sick apathy of the one and the hopeful idealism of the other, and even now doesn’t care either way.  The good character finds this disgusting - can’t stomach that his hero who showed him beauty is also the same man who convinced the other to contemplate suicide - but Stavrogin can’t understand why the coincidence of the two opposites is seen as a betrayal.  

This scene illustrates what Stavrogin’s character is meant to embody: absolutely indifferent freedom.  He is capable of both great beauty and great evil, and stands undecided, apathetic between the two.  The priest Tikhon reminds him of what the Bible says about this kind of neutrality: “I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing; not knowing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.”  And the further we go into the story, the more the otherworldly, chilling beauty of Stavrogin just becomes unsettling.  Nothing moves him, nothing motivates him to care.  He stands between the characters who have very clearly given themselves to evil and the characters who are striving for the good, and somehow, he is scarier than all of them - more evil, somehow, than those who have deliberately chosen evil, because of his standing still.

But wait! you say. He stands in between goodness and evil, capable of both, able to choose either -- aren’t we all in that position?  Isn’t that just what freedom means?  Au contraire, my friends!!  This understanding of neutral, indifferent freedom is fairly new in the history of thought, and hopefully I’m going to be able to demonstrate (briefly) why it doesn’t even adequately live up to our experience.

Imagine you are in the position of having to make a very simple choice between basically equal or at least comparable alternatives, what philosophy usually calls “commensurate goods”; an easy example is choosing between ice cream flavors.  Now if you’re anything like as indecisive as me, there will be at least two options that you think you might want, and you’ll spend several minutes stuck between the two of them, trying to figure out which to get.  You’re free - no one is coercing you, and the two options really are basically equal in and of themselves.  But even though you are completely free, this state of indecision still isn’t comfortable - while you’re caught between choices, you probably feel restless, frustrated, rushed.  This is because while black raspberry and mocha chip are basically equal among themselves, you don’t stand before them in neutrality.  The phrase “getting pulled in two directions at once” maybe sounds a little melodramatic for an example this mundane, but it applies nonetheless: rather than standing absolutely still before the two options, you are getting pulled by both of them - the choice is hard because you want both of them, not because you’re apathetic.  What moves and motivates the choice is desire, and desire doesn’t let you stand still unless you resist it; it tugs at you.  

This bit might be a little tough, because in modernity we typically think of desires as things that well up from within us spontaneously - desire is seen as something starting in the person, projected onto the thing desired.  But in classical philosophy, the shorthand for “desirability” is just “goodness” - when you say something’s good, what you mean is that it’s desireable - so desire starts in the goodness of the thing, not the perception of the one desiring.  Setting aside sexual desire and all of the attendant baggage, just think about stuff in the world.  Flowers, pets, ice cream - all this stuff is good, and your desire to have it around you is because the stuff is good, not because you randomly decided to assign value to it.  Desire isn’t you sitting atop your indifference throne, looking over an assortment of blah things and pronouncing boredly while you wave a bejeweled hand, “I suppose I want that one”.  Desire is the good thing yelling out to you, “HEY, LOOK HOW GREAT I AM”, and your soul coming alive in response, saying “GOSH DARNIT YOU’RE RIGHT, YOU ARE GREAT”.  Goodness lives in the object, and desire is your ability to feel the goodness of the object reaching out to you, pulling you toward it.

So how does freedom work if you’re always getting pulled towards goodness, you ask?  Well, get ready for the GREAT news: everything in the world...is good.  

You don’t have to remake things so that they’re worth something.  You don’t have to bestow value on things by the power of your choice.  You don’t have to go searching for goodness, or come up with it yourself.  It’s everywhere.  It’s ALWAYS calling to you, out of everything that’s real.  The reason that you’re free, and the reason that you’re not completely frozen in indecision, is that you are drawn into action by ALL the goodness in the world - your making a choice is just the final step in a movement already begun, your consenting to the desire which was enkindled by the object.

If, then, this is what real freedom is, what would it mean to be indifferently free, like Stavrogin?

Indifferent freedom, if the whole world is good and calling out to you, is like closing your eyes and covering your ears.  It’s not neutrality - or rather, it is neutrality, but neutrality as detachment.  It’s like if someone who loves you spent seven hours in the kitchen, painstakingly preparing your favorite meal, making everything from scratch and using the best china dishes and pairing the perfect wine with the meal - and then when they showed it to you, with all the steam rising from the food enticingly and the whole house smelling like heaven and home, you just shrugged and said “eh...I could take it or leave it”.  That’s indifferent freedom - standing in front of beauty and love, and saying that it doesn’t matter one way or another.  At its essence, it’s being unmoved - but by something that should move you.  It detaches the person from the world, shuts them in on themselves where no thing and no goodness can reach them - and from the perspective of the person, it evacuates the world of goodness, of all its vitality and power to draw.  Everything is equal, not because everything is equally good, but because everything is equally meaningless.  This explains Stavrogin’s strange behavior - any of us at a party have the freedom to bite someone’s ear or not bite someone’s ear, both options are before everyone - but Stavrogin genuinely cannot tell why one of those options should have more weight for him, why the goodness of not biting someone should outweigh the debatable goodness of the amusement he would get out of biting someone.  

It should be pretty clear where I’m going from here.  It is my proposal that what it means to be soulless in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer mythos is explained by freedom of indifference.  The vampires and the demons are essentially people who have become insensitive to the pull of goodness; all options, no matter how heinous, are equal to them, because the voice of desire has been stifled.

I like this theory for several reasons: one, I just like to imagine that Joss has read Dostoevsky. It’s funny to me.  Two, I feel it explains more than any of the alternative theories I’ve seen or been able to come up with.  So let’s go through the main players!

Alternative Theory #1: Vampires and other soulless creatures have a fundamental desire for what is evil.

This is the simplest explanation, and it’s definitely what the show in its early seasons professes to be the truth.  However, there is a giant gaping hole in this theory: as evidenced by season after season of character development for Angel and Spike, and the creepy similarities between Vamp Willow and Dark Willow, there is a real continuity between a character when they have a soul and when they don’t.  If the souled version and the soulless version had simply opposite desires, then they would be pulled in opposite directions and basically be two totally different people.

Alternative Theory #2: Everyone (or at least some particular individuals, including both vampires and humans) has a fundamental desire for what is evil, but having a soul keeps this desire at bay, like a stop-gap for humanity’s natural darkness.

Don’t get me wrong, this theory is more or less completely consistent with the show (“Orpheus” on Angel in particular seems to put forth something like this theory in regards Angel and Faith), but it’s a really hopeless view of the human person - and would also suggest that characters are most free and most “themselves” when they’re soulless.  Unless you want to say that Angel with a soul is basically identical to Spike with a chip (like a serial killer in prison), there needs to be a change that goes deeper - if instead, as I propose, the most fundamental desire of human beings is for the good and losing your soul just dampens and confuses this desire without reversing it, this explains the continuity between souled and soulless while firmly locating the “real” identity of the person with the one who has a soul.

Alternative Theory # 3: Vampires and other soulless creatures have a desire for the good as always, but they are incapable of distinguishing good from evil.

This is another tempting explanation, except that it pretty much describes the human condition - it explains why Angel sometimes does the wrong thing, but not why Angelus is so markedly different from Angel - you have to explain the continuity and the difference.  Angel occasionally does wrong things because he thinks he knows what the right thing to do is, is being drawn by the goodness he perceives, but happens to be mistaken.  Angelus, on the other hand, seems to do the wrong thing knowing that it’s the wrong thing - but this knowledge is only in his head, it doesn’t extend to his heart, and so he’s not drawn by what he knows to be good and is able to cheerfully pursue what he knows to be evil as an equally viable alternative.  Furthermore, if being soulless means you literally can’t tell the difference between right and wrong even in theory, Spike’s conversion in seasons five and six is completely and utterly inexplicable - it seems like he should have been showing up at Buffy’s doorstep with offerings of stuff he’s killed, like a cat, growling that his gift is going unappreciated.  In reality, although he does suck at doing the right thing because the good still isn’t attractive to him, and although he expects way more credit than he actually deserves for every act of non-evil, he has a pretty straightforward turnaround - he knows basically which direction to face on the spectrum of good and evil, even while soulless.

So now that we’ve run through the alternatives, let’s look at some helpful examples from canon which I think illustrate my theory!

Possibly the best example of my theory is on Angel the Series, which is surprising, because for all its lightness that show typically has a much more pessimistic view of anthropology and soteriology than Buffy does.  However, Darla’s pregnancy is one of the most interesting uses of the soul/no-soul device in the entire ‘verse.  Darla starts to experience souled-ness as a result of the proximity to her son - and while this demonstrates next to no knowledge as to how matter and form, body and soul work, it leads to the fantastic moment of self-awareness: “I won’t be able to love him.  I won’t even be able to remember that I loved him.”  She has no illusions.  Love is not a choice that she can continue to make once she’s no longer experiencing souled-ness - she can’t pull herself up by her bootstraps, love by sheer force of will.  The pull of love that she feels comes from him and not from her, it is his goodness touching her.  Once she gives birth, goodness will lose its grip on her and she’ll detach absolutely from her child; he will mean nothing to her, and there is no guarantee that she won’t hurt him.  It’s not her choice to make - without the drawing power of his goodness, she is helpless to make the right choice.  

Another really interesting example is the parallels drawn between depression and soullessness.  Spike tells Buffy she “came back wrong”, and she’s immediately ready to believe him, because it is the same lie that depression is telling her.  Depression silences our desires, shuts us in on ourselves, convinces us that there is nothing truly good in the world for us.  Depression makes us indifferent, when that is not our natural, healthy state of being.  Buffy’s journey in season 6 is a slow regaining of desire, from “this isn’t real but I just wanna feel”, then to “I don’t wanna die, that’s something right?”, and finally to “Things have really sucked lately, but it's all gonna change. And I wanna be there when it does.  I want to see my friends happy again. And I want to see you grow up….There’s so much I wanna show you.”

The most obvious hole in my indifferent freedom theory is the lack of absolute apathy in the vampires, i.e. Spike famously being described by James Marsters as having “delight in all the wrong things”.  The vampires seem to enjoy things, particularly, to enjoy being evil and inflicting pain.  However, on the other hand, Angel tells Darla (I’m paraphrasing), “you took me places and showed me things and blew the top off my head, but you never made me happy”.  Vampires are seeking something - notoriety, a rush, power - but it’s not satisfying.  In the end, Spike’s delighted obsession with slayers and Angelus’ cruel pursuit of the girl he remembers loving are just a slightly more hyper version of Stavrogin quietly doing whatever happens to cross his mind just because he can.  And if a disproportionate number of vampires seem to lean towards inflicting pain, this statistic can probably be explained by the fact that they need blood to live - and all options being equal, you may as well pick the one that keeps you comfortably undead. Or, perhaps all their desire for the good has been replaced by desire for blood, and it’s only everything else in the world that is neutral?  This would explain why “vampire with a soul” is such a difficult idea for everyone to grasp - they still need blood to live, and yet their desires are in order again.  (If we delve deeper into the Dostoevsky, there’s also a whole thing with beauty being replaced by the shocking, the absurd, or the grotesque.  But seriously, this essay is monstrously long already.)

Another possible objection: wouldn’t this schema make having a soul the easier option, to the extent that it’s basically a cheat?  Wouldn’t it be more worthy, more impressive, more good, to choose out of a vacuum, without desire pulling you?  To which I would respond: of course it’s easier, but that doesn’t mean it’s less worthy.  We have a weird obsession with doing difficult things; we glamorize the long arduous struggle before the right choice is finally made - and in storytelling, that makes a certain amount of sense, since if everyone did what was right instantaneously, there wouldn’t be much of a story.  But our preference for the difficult good thing over the easy good thing is also coherent with our typical conception of freedom: if indifferent freedom is about raw choosing power that wells up from within, the “stronger” person is the one who chooses what is difficult, i.e. the tortured hero presented with the impossible dilemma in a world of moral grays, gritting his teeth and saying, I’m choosing so hard right now.  But within a goodness and desires-based theory of freedom, it isn’t the struggle that makes good action heroic.  On the contrary, real goodness is easy - ease is actually one of the traditional qualities ascribed to virtue.  The truly good person does the right thing consistently and easily while taking joy in it, without having to deliberate about which choice is best.  They’re so good at doing the right thing that it’s practically effortless, automatic.  Somebody who has to struggle to do the right thing is on the path towards virtue - they know what the right thing is, and they’re trying to do it - but if it’s difficult for them, that means that they haven’t become internally convinced of the goodness/desirability of the right thing, they’re only doing it because they think they ought to.  The good character who chooses the light over the dark without any hand-wringing, the “cinnamon roll” if you will, is more morally heroic than Gritty Georg who makes 10,000 difficult morally gray choices per day.  That guy is just really bad at doing the right thing, really bad at being in love with goodness.  So while we can be kind of impressed by Spike choosing to save the world in season 2 and choosing to get his soul back in season 6, those choices are still not at the moral level of something as simple as, say, Buffy loving her sister.

Another objection: what about Spike falling in love with Buffy? Wasn’t he being drawn by her goodness, and therefore not totally indifferent even while he was soulless?  And don’t get me wrong, this objection has weight - Spike’s arc in the last three seasons is fascinating, and I want to do justice to it.  But a lot of theories about souls in the Buffyverse tend to do justice to his arc by a kind of “Spike exceptionalism”, and while that’s somewhat warranted, it makes the mythos of the show very messy and that drives me crazy.  Plus, the more emphasis you place on Spike being a “special” vampire who loves goodness and tries to do the right thing, the more “Seeing Red” becomes a wholly unintelligible character moment, and I think it’s actually a very important conclusion to the season 6 Spuffy arc.  So here’s my interpretation.

In order to truly love, your primary stance toward the other has to be a kind of “letting be” - you have to recognize that they are other than you and wonderful precisely in their otherness before you desire them for yourself, or else desire becomes merely appropriative, a matter of power and possession.  Indifferent freedom (or soullessness) is not capable of this, because letting the other be is a receptive stance which prioritizes the being of the other, and indifferent freedom always prioritizes activity and the being of the self - all action has to start from within, nothing can move the person except the person himself, or else it isn’t considered “free”.  There is no love, there is only power.  So, Spike is genuinely indifferent all through his soullessness.  If he has moments where he appears to love (his mother, Dru, Buffy, etc.), it’s because he remembers that this used to be a value that was important to him and therefore chooses it out of his position of neutrality.  He isn’t brought out of himself, he doesn’t receive anything from the person he “loves” - and this is why his supposed loves are so warped.  Beating up Druscilla until she loves him again is a coherent plan to him - because it’s not about wanting what’s best for her, and not about the way that his love for her pulls on him, but rather simply his possession of her.  He can achieve love by power, because for him the two are identical - both have the same basic form of something initiated from within and exerted onto the chosen object.  And this, of course, is why season 6 Spuffy ends the way it does.  All of Spike’s actions toward Buffy have been calculated so that she would do what he wants, and when this fails his manipulation becomes overtly violent power - because power has been the inner form of his relation to her all along.  Emotional manipulation fails to let the other be just as much as physical violence does; it is the bedrock of a relationship where one person only cares about being in control, getting what he “wants”.  “Seeing Red” is important because it reveals the dark truth beneath the “edgy” season 6 Spuffy relationship, that power is not and can never be love, emotional abuse is not and can never be romantic.

So is this what Joss Whedon intended the soul plot device to be an analogy for?  I’d have to rewatch the whole show to make a final decision, but I kind of doubt it.  Do I have questions about how it would work, in-universe?  You bet.  Are people to be held accountable for decisions made when soulless?  Why is it that Angel and Spike are overwhelmed with guilt when they’re re-ensouled and Darla and Anya are basically apathetic?  What does the indifference of soullessness have to do with immortality?  What is the nature of the slayer’s power?  Much remains to be answered.

IN SUMMARY (i.e. I’ve burnt myself out and this is all you’re getting)

Any reading of the Whedonverse must account for soullessness in a way which allows for a real continuity and discontinuity between souled and soulless iterations of the same character, and doesn’t treat the soul as an extrinsic addition which does nothing more than restrain desires which are actually fundamental. This is the only way to locate the true self of characters with the good/souled version of them, while avoiding overly simplistic readings which treat a character’s soulless actions or personality as entirely irrelevant.  In a world in which goodness really exists and really draws you, it is not possible to have a desire for evil except under the aspect of good, because desireability implies goodness.  Thus, if we want to avoid a completely nihilistic interpretation of the show wherein nothing is really good and nothing matters, the form that evil has to take is indifference or neutrality rather than somehow a desire for evil as the “opposite” of good.  And therefore, what it means to be soulless in Buffy the Vampire Slayer is to be in a state of diabolical neutrality, where goodness and love no longer call out to you and all action is just a result of sheer arbitrary power which can be directed one way or another.  While soulless, characters are detached from goodness and therefore incapable of virtue and love.  Effort or choice is not enough for conversion – they have to be taken hold of by something outside them, which is why re-ensoulment is necessary.  You can’t create your own goodness by an exercise of power, it has to be given to you.

FIN

Note: this essay contains a necessarily simplified account of Stavrogin’s psychology and the picture of evil presented in Demons. Since Stavrogin is still only human, the indifference is less absolutized in him than it is in the Buffyverse vampires.

Further note: at a certain point, you just have to come to terms with the fact that Whedon’s soul/no soul system is sloppily constructed, and develops inconsistently throughout the show.  There will be holes in any theory.  I would be unsurprised to hear of any more holes in mine that I have not already anticipated.    

[miss-musings]

Why The Blacklist Needs To End Soon

Don't get me wrong, my fellow TBL fans, I love this show.

Correction: I love what this show once was.

I think many -- granted, not all of us -- have become frustrated with this show's lack of focus, character development and creativity over the past few seasons. That's why, despite what I think is an amazing premise, a great cast, and the occasional game-changing episode... this show needs to end soon.

Read below the jump for how and why I think it should end:

I don't think it should be cancelled after the fourth season ends. I don't think the writers will have time to give us a satisfying ending.

Ideally, what I'd like, is for them to use these last few episodes in S4 to build up to a shortened fifth season. It could be like "The Blacklist: The Final Season" or something. They could promote it as the season that will give us all the answers we want; all the big, badass villains; all the crazy explosions and plots and whatnot. It would be epic!

Before I delve further, let's take a retrospective on this show and the story it has told us.

In S1, we were introduced to Liz -- a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed FBI profiler whose life was on the up-and-up. She was starting her dream job; she had a great, loving husband; she and him were talking with adoption agencies. Then, in walks one of the FBI's Most Wanted: Raymond Reddington.

He changes her life. He makes her question everything she knows and believes about herself: her life, her past, her choices, her moral center, etc.

She begins to realize that she's changed, and it's partly thanks to him. Whether she likes it or not isn't really in question: it's happening and she needs to deal with it.

Then in S2a, we get jaded Liz. She knows that there's a line, and she might be willing to cross it. Because she's been through hell, and she can't go back to that idyllic life she once had. So, she's going to make her suffering mean something, and she's going to prevent it from happening to others.

In S2b, she starts seeing that Red -- while she cares about him -- is at the root of all the evil that is happening in her life. It's all his fault, and she treats him with venom and suspicion. She runs back to that life with her supposed husband. But then everything changes when her new life -- the Task Force, Reddington -- is threatened, and she makes the choice to kill someone in order to protect it. Even though she knows she will become a criminal in the process.

So, in S3a, she's on the run. She starts to understand Red more and grow closer to him. She realizes that while some evil in her life is his fault, it's also him who's protecting her from as much of it as he can. She sees that she and Red aren't so different. At their cores, they're both good people, who want to do the right thing, but the System is against them. They're vilified, no matter what they do. Liz starts to rely on Red, and it's ultimately him and her Task Force friends who help her clear her name, to a degree.

Then in S3b, everything changes. This man she's grown so close to -- he's the enemy again. He's putting her and now her soon-to-be-born child at risk. He's putting that idyllic dream life she had, and wants back, in jeopardy, and she won't stand for it. But, she can't push him away completely, either. She needs him, too.

Then, she has to make a choice; and -- regardless of what damage it did to those who care about her -- she chooses to escape and have that idyllic life without them.

So, then in S4a, her life and her loved ones are in jeopardy; and those very people she spurned so she could live a quiet life without them are the very ones coming to her rescue. Liz cares as much as she can, but in the end, she wants to get things back to normal, while still wanting to find out more about the mysteries of her past -- her family, her childhood. In the end, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. But, things don't work out that way.

Except, in a way, they do. She gets brought back on as an agent; she gets a Presidential pardon. Red came through for her again, but she doesn't really seem to care all that much. She never confronts him about what she did to him, only what he did to others who had seemingly betrayed him.

And, now, Red's sins are coming back to haunt him in the most life-threatening ways, and he doesn't really seem to care all that much. Now, he and Liz have to work out the answers, while they are emotionally still keeping each other at an arm's length.

Yeah, sorry, that was really long. But, I wanted to demonstrate the emotional journey and character arcs we've seen so far... After all this time, Liz and Red are still only 'friends' and colleagues? (I say 'friends' tentatively, because I'm not sure if Liz would punch a guy and ask where her friend is the way she once did in S3a.)

Liz, even after going through her gritty, jaded life in S2a... after being on the run in S3a... after betraying and abandoning her friends in S3b... Liz is still very much the same woman "trying to have it all" that we met in the pilot. Yes, her eyes have been opened to some extent; but she's still in denial of the criminal world, of her own past, and her own personal choices.

I'm glad to see that Liz's trials haven't made her bitter or villainous. But, why does she seem so deluded into thinking that she's that much different than Red, when -- not too long ago -- they literally were on parallel journeys... it's just that Red was farther along in his. He was walking her through the very same things that (assumingly) had happened to him decades ago.

She didn't sink as low as he did; she didn't have to live that life of a criminal on the run as long as he had; and in the end, she got her plea deal and her pardon, and now she's back to Square One: pure, untainted, naive. Except that she shouldn't be.

In any case... what I'm trying to say is that the Blacklist has run out of ideas. Liz's character has not progressed much. Besides getting kidnapped and complaining to Red about what danger he puts her and her family in, she really hasn't done that much since S3a ended.

Red and Liz's relationship has remained so static, when there was such an opportunity for growth. After she faked her death, and Red helped her and Agnes get un-kidnapped... what was the fallout? Red was bitter and distant with her for a few episodes.... and that was it. No emotional conversation. No "Hey, I thought you died, and you have no idea what that did to me." No "you were putting my family in danger, I had to do something." No confrontation. No tears. No anger. No frustration.

Nothing.

I sometimes feel like the writers forget that these characters are people. Sometimes they feel like cardboard cutouts instead -- chasing down this week's bad guy and having the same old blasé conversations about it... Like, there are scenes missing... Like, these characters never address things or situations that real-life people definitely would. There are still dozens of elephants running around in the room, that no one ever talks about, and probably never will.

One big one that has stuck around way too long is the “daddy” question. The show supposedly answered this in S1, and The Blacklist could’ve explored so many exciting plotlines with the firm “no” answer that it gave. And it did, briefly.

Then, the show kept stringing us along with the possibility of a “yes” answer, to the point where Raymond “I never lie to Elizabeth Keen” Reddington told Alexander Kirk that “Elizabeth is my daughter.” I know there were a lot of mitigating factors and vagueness involved in that answer and the situation that led to it... but it’s almost like the show is waiting to give a definitive answer to the question “Who is Elizabeth/Masha’s biological father?” until the final episode. Why? Because you can’t think of a way to answer it now without losing many of your viewers? Because you’re too afraid to explore a possible romance (which has been hinted at since S1) between Red and Liz? Why is this show so static? Why is it so afraid to answer some of these bigger questions now?

I understand waiting until the end to answer “Who is Red to Liz?”... but it was fine with answering he wasn’t her dad in the freakin’ 10th episode. Why go back on that now? Why confuse your viewers? Why build up Liz’s dad to be not Alexander Kirk, but either Red or a third dude? And, if it’s a third dude, who the hell is he that he’s so terrifying and evil and scary that Liz can’t know who he is, and Kirk is floored to hear about it when Red whispered it in his ear?

That's why I want the Blacklist to end now.

I don't have faith in the showrunners any more to give me a coherent, cohesive story. To treat these characters with dignity and give them arcs, or at least some character movement.

Harold Cooper? What progress has he made since S3a ended? Or Ressler? Samar and Aram are getting tighter, now that Aram's abusive conwoman of a former girlfriend is out of the way... but what else?

The procedural elements in this show -- which were once well-done -- are now becoming rote and boring. The serial elements are uncreative and uninspired. When was the last time we had a fall/spring/season finale or premiere where somebody didn't get kidnapped and need rescuing, or where somebody didn't betray Red? It's like those are the only two plotlines the writers can think of anymore.

Look, I know I'm bashing them a lot in this diatribe, but I really do appreciate all the hard work that the showrunners, writers, producers, actors, and crew members have put into this show. The fact that I care so much to take time out of my day and write 2,000 words about it demonstrates that they are performing their craft(s) well. But, there's a limit.

I know that several thousands, if not millions, of viewers have checked of the show by this point, but I want to see it through to the end. I started this show the day the pilot aired, and I dislike quitting anything that I've seen progress so much (even if it wasn't always for the better).

I want this show to bow out as gracefully and as poignantly as it can, and I think the best way for it to do that would be sometime soon.

James Spader and the other cast members deserve to move onto other projects. I understand the show does well with DVR and syndication numbers; and while I don't know how much it costs NBC to produce it, I feel like it's going to cost more to make it than it's worth very soon, if it hasn't reached that point already. Between all the NYC shooting locations, the effects, the stunt-work and the actors... this show has to cost a lot. NBC could make some multi-camera studio comedy, and it'd probably do just as well in the live ratings.

This is all a very long way of saying: the storylines have become uncreative and stale; move on to the end-game now, and try to catch as many fallen-away viewers as you can in the final episodes. That way the network can save money, and all the crew members can move onto other projects.

Otherwise, you're going to have actors becoming fed-up with the show, and decide not to renew their contracts and leave. The show's entire chemistry will be off, and -- while that could be a good thing in most situations -- I doubt that this show has the momentum or the creative wherewithal to pull those kinds of major changes off this late in the game.

This show had an amazing premise, and it made a few well-done creative turns early on. I think in trying to build up to the spin-off, the writers had to tread water -- both plot-wise and character-wise -- and the live ratings have shown that people have much better ways to spend their Thursday nights than watching this show flounder.

Start building up to the end now, and end on your own terms.

That's my advice. Take it for what it's worth.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Sherlock: The Final Problem (4x03)

I'm not going to discuss all the scandal what with the leaked episode and all that. I'm going to do my best to look at this episode on its own merits, and not get in to all the extra-diegetic aspects at work here. And... I gotta say, I was pleasantly surprised. I liked this episode way more than the first two in the season. I had a few little things that I strongly disliked, but they were minor. A few things gave me pause, but the bulk of the episode... I really loved. I'm going to go a bit off-script and break this into three sections instead of two...

Stuff I Hated:

There wasn't much, but there were a few things. So, Eurus spends the whole episode torturing Sherlock, John, and Mycroft. There are various ways she goes about doing this. One of them is by threatening to kill Molly Hooper. The way to save her is for Sherlock to call her and get her to say "I love you" to him. This will stop the bomb. This is the only scene Molly gets in the whole episode, and it's such a shame. Imagine that phone call from her perspective. She thinks Sherlock is just using her in a case, and she says "I love you" anyway, because she's just so pathetically in love with him that she wants to live in a fantasy for a moment? It's such a lame way to leave her character. I mean, come on. She's a competent scientist and a good person. I can't believe her only moment in the episode was about her unending love for Sherlock Holmes. (Apparently Moffat called this the "best scene in the episode" which is just... ugh. Another mark against that horrifically cocky and sexist man).

There was this tiny little moment at the end, when everything is happy and cheesy, where Sherlock sends a text that says "You know where to find me." It's strongly implied that he's texting Irene Adler. I don't want to repeat myself here, but... NO. Come on. Irene is GAY. She said she was GAY. And now we get this suggestion that she and Sherlock are going to hook up? For the sake of my sanity, I'm going to ignore this mercifully brief moment, since without it, the whole ending is very indicative of domestic bliss between Sherlock and John. I need that to be the truth, okay? I need it.

Mary sent John a post-death message that talks all about what Sherlock and John will be if she dies. They will go back to being the 221B Baker Street Boys. It's important that they be that way because it's always been about the legend, the stories, and not about the people they really are. This speech is accompanied by a montage. The montage I didn't mind. The words Mary was saying? Oh my word. Too cheesy. Way way too cheesy. Nothing else about this episode earned that kind of ridiculous sendoff. And what is Mary talking about? The legend and the story are what's important? Not the people that Sherlock and John truly are? What a weird message! It was almost meta, like Mary was talking about the characters of Holmes and Watson through the ages.  But why? And why would Mary have said such unforgivably cheesy stuff in a goodbye message for John in the first place? She didn't so much as mention her relationship with John herself. It was all about him and Sherlock. Unrealistic bullshit.

So-So Stuff:

The "Stuff I Hate" section is mercifully filled with things that are not big parts of the plot. They are small scenes or moments that I could have done without. In this So-So Section, I need to confront a few more small things, and then one larger complaint.

If this is indeed the final episode of Sherlock that we'll ever get, then I'm disappointed that a few things never got resolved. In the first episode of this year, John gave Molly a letter to give to Sherlock. Are we never going to see what was in that letter? Also, there was an underutilization of many characters, especially Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade, and Molly, who I already mentioned. Mycroft was given a lot of screen time, but his part of the montage at the end was very limited, and didn't give a sense for his continued role in Sherlock's life. I hate to say this, but the fact that Mycroft doesn't die in this episode was actually a fairly large wasted opportunity.

This is maybe a nitpick, but I found some of the transitions a bit abrupt. Last episode's cliffhanger showed John being shot by Eurus, and this week we learn that it was just a tranquilizer, and we don't get to see any of the immediate aftermath of that. John and Sherlock are together and safe, and we can just assume that John filled Sherlock in offscreen. Same thing after the flat explodes - a great scene, full of tension, that is then immediately supplanted by John, Sherlock, and Mycroft going to see Eurus at Sherringford. We don't get to see any of them recovering from their injuries, or even see Mrs. Hudson's reaction to the explosion. It was a lot of jumping from one big scene to the next, with not a lot of room to let these scenes breathe.

And my biggest structural complaint goes to the resolution of the plot. Eurus is a formidable, evil foe who kills multiple people and puts Sherlock in a state of psychological turmoil for the bulk of the episode. In the end, Sherlock deduces that Eurus is in some ways still stuck as a child, and is lost and confused in her own mind. Sherlock tells Eurus she's not alone anymore, gives her a hug, and... she's suddenly willing to help Sherlock. She's not magically cured or anything, as she stops communicating with words and is severely damaged after this prolonged incident. But the fact that Eurus basically stops being the villain because Sherlock gave her a bit of affection is... well, it's a  bit anticlimactic, and there wasn't quite enough time and detail put in to the whole thing. Throughout the episode, we come to understand that Eurus is not just a genius like Sherlock or Moriarty, or even a mega-genius like Mycroft. She's practically supernatural in her ability to corrupt people. She convinces the entire staff at the Sherringford holding facility to help her. She's like a God to them. This is a bit off the rails, even for Sherlock. It also makes the resolution feel even more flimsy.

I'm inclined not to give too much weight to this flaw, because I actually quite like many of the things they did with the character of Eurus. If we can just accept that her mega-genius mind can basically control people, then we can go on with the rest of the episode in peace. It might be ridiculously unrealistic, but I was able to suspend my disbelief for the sake of the storytelling. Still, I can't deny that the intensity of her genius coupled with the ease of her redemption made for a bit of a lazy conclusion to this whole thing.

Stuff I Loved:

Um. The premise. Oh my God. This is something straight out of a fanfiction but in a good way. When I first saw promo clips of this season of Sherlock, I was hoping and praying that the scene where Sherlock, Mycroft, and John were all in a room together would be this exact scenario. Sherlock has to choose between shooting Mycroft and John, and instead threatens to kill himself to stop it from happening. Yes. This is my dream come true. I could go on and on forever about all the stuff with the trio - Sherlock, Mycroft, and John work off each other so well, and each of these scenes was so intense and memorable and important.

Some highlights:

Sherlock must make either Mycroft or John kill another man. He tries to make Mycroft do it, but he won't. John is about to do it, but he can't go through with it. The man then kills himself, and Eurus shoots his wife anyway (the conditions under which she would spare his wife was that Mycroft or John had to be the one to kill him). This was such an intense scene, and it went on for just long enough to make me really anxious. I really loved the way Sherlock acted in this scene. He didn't get frustrated or angry with Mycroft and John for being unable to do the deed. He maintained a calm demeanor the whole time.

Mycroft was the character displaying the most outrage and fear during most of the scenes trapped in Sherringford, which was just perfect. He would be the one who had the hardest time adjusting. Sherlock and John are both used to situations like this. One of my favorite moments is when Mycroft is rambling on, saying "this is inhuman, this is insane!" John interrupts him, cuttingly: "Mycroft! We know."

Sherlock and John have this back-and-forth during all the torture scenes where they remind each other to be "soldiers." They are doing this to save a little girl who is alone on a plane full of unconscious people. Eurus keeps cutting back to audio of this poor girl, adding urgency and "context" to this web of torture she's weaved for Sherlock. It means that they don't get to care what happens to them - they need to do the right thing to save an innocent child's life. I like that John acknowledged that Sherlock was being tortured. The lack of physical abuse was not really a factor - the psychological nightmare of this scenario was more than enough to constitute true torture.

The scene where Sherlock has to choose to kill either Mycroft or John... it was just... it was everything I ever wanted. Mycroft immediately starts telling Sherlock to kill John, using his cruelest, most sneering tones. Sherlock knows what Mycroft is doing - he's trying to make it easy for Sherlock to kill his big brother. This sacrifice, of course, making it all the more difficult for Sherlock to do that. But, that's the choice he initially makes. He holds the gun on Mycroft, appearing to never contemplate the idea of killing John. There's something so powerful in this. It's not about Sherlock loving John more than he loves Mycroft. It's about Mycroft owning up to his own culpability. He's the reason they're in this situation. He's the one who concealed Eurus all these years. If anything, Sherlock is giving Mycroft the ultimate sign of respect by adhering to his wishes. Killing Mycroft is something Sherlock never would have recovered from. Of course, in the end he takes option #3, holding the gun under his own chin and counting down from ten, calling Eurus' bluff. She arranges to have the three men shot with tranquilizer darts before Sherlock can actually pull the trigger.

We should talk more about Eurus, and the twist with Redbeard. The episode begins in sort of hilarious fashion, with Sherlock and John concocting a fake break-in to scare Mycroft into admitting the truth about Eurus. We then have a prolonged explanation, where we learn that Eurus killed Sherlock's dog Redbeard, and then burned down their family's home. She was then taken away. Mycroft lied to his parents and said that Eurus had started another fire and that she had perished. Sherlock was so young and so traumatized by what had happened that he repressed his memories of Eurus. We later learn the truth: Redbeard wasn't a dog. Redbeard was the pirate nick-name of Sherlock's best childhood friend. Eurus trapped him down a well and he drowned. The reveal of this truth is brilliantly done right at the very end of the episode. John is trapped down that same well, and Sherlock is faced with the very real fear that Eurus may be about to kill his best friend - for the second time. This is all intercut with Sherlock believing that a plane is about to crash... until he realizes that this is all Eurus' elaborate cry for help.

Like I mentioned above, I'm not super thrilled with the resolution here, but the fast-paced intensity of the climax was really amazing to watch. Sherlock is trying to stop a plane from crashing, he's panicked about John's impending drowning, and it's all colliding together with the realization that his little sister once killed his best friend. I loved it all.

Mycroft and Sherlock's relationship got so much beautiful, intricate attention in this episode. One of the best scenes comes relatively early on, when Sherlock, Mycroft, and John are all trapped in 221B by the presence of a bomb that will go off if any of them moves, since it's powered by a motion sensor. They decide to try and move when Mrs. Hudson moves to the back of her flat below, since that will be the least dangerous place for her, in the event the blast is stronger than anticipated. John and Sherlock will jump out the windows, while Mycroft will take the door, since he's closest. They have this very intense planning session, and then John mentions Oscar Wilde, identifying the source of a quote that Mycroft had used earlier about the nature of truth. Sherlock and Mycroft then reminisce about a time that Mycroft was in The Importance of Being Earnest, and Sherlock gives him a genuine, un-sarcastic compliment about his performance. Mycroft seems genuinely pleased. Sherlock wants to know if John might be able to move enough to make a phone call to say goodbye to his daughter, but it's not possible. The time comes, Sherlock says "good luck, boys," and they all move at the same time.

The acting, the pacing, the genuineness of these final moments... it was so beautiful. Sherlock thought of Rosie, Mycroft and Sherlock shared a moment of unabashed affection for one another. They made a plan to survive that included giving Mrs. Hudson her best chance, knowing that they might very well be saying goodbye to each other. It was such a perfectly constructed scene, and it began the long list of great scenes exploring the dynamics between these three men. I understand that some people might be pissed that this episode didn't focus as much on the John/Sherlock dynamic, as it did the Holmes family dynamic. But I was surprisingly okay with that. Mycroft has become my very favorite part of this show. I was more than thrilled to get so much time with him.

We should talk about Moriarty. Some people might be annoyed at the fact that he was built up and then didn't really appear. But I was actually pretty okay with it. The basic idea is that once, years ago, Mycroft exchanged important information from his genius sister for five minutes unmonitored communication with James Moriarty. During that time, Moriarty recorded little clips that Eurus uses throughout the torture sequences in order to shake Sherlock up, including the "did you miss me?" clip that started this whole thing. They even predicted Sherlock's choice to kill Mycroft instead of John, and got Moriarty saying "Holmes killing Holmes!" We see Moriarty and Mycroft in a flashback to five years previously, so we do get a couple of solid minutes with good ol' Jim. But he's not in it for long, and he's really there just to serve as another tool that Eurus uses to complete her psychological torment. For me, it really worked. For big Moriarty fans, I can understand why you would be disappointed.

The resolution of Eurus was nicely handled. I mean, the fact that a hug stopped her from her evil tirade was a little disappointing, as I've discussed, but everything that happens after that is great. She basically shuts down, refusing to talk to anybody. Mycroft and Sherlock reveal the truth to their parents, that their daughter is not in fact dead. We learn that Eurus will respond to Sherlock playing the violin, and we see a shot of the two of them playing, as Mycroft and their parents sit by and watch. That scene of the whole family being back together was surprisingly affecting. This episode could have gone further into the fact that Eurus is quite mentally ill, but the idea that she stops talking to people due to her traumatic experiences, and instead just communicates through music behind an impenetrable wall of glass is actually quite the fitting end for a character like her.

Then let's discuss the ending. I mentioned that Mary's little epilogue speech was unforgivably cheesy, but there was one nice thing about it: she does say, quite clearly, that she's thought about what the two of them could be, if she's gone. That implies that she understands the two of them will spend their lives together, even if we don't get a kiss or anything like that between them. We see this play out in the way that the two of them work together to repair the blown up flat. We see Sherlock holding and playing with baby Rosie. We see little details, like John repainting the yellow smiley face on the wall, and Molly, Mrs. Hudson, and Lestrade all stopping by to see them. Even if it's not explicitly stated, we can infer that John and Rosie are actually living with Sherlock, and from there the possibilities are endless for our imagination. As groundbreaking as it would have been to have the two of them romantically connected, I never thought that was going to happen. I never for one second believed they would follow through with that. So, if I look at what we were given, I'm actually pretty happy with it.

I'll stop there. If this really is the last time I'll ever get to review Sherlock, then I'm oddly okay with that. It felt like a good ending. The superb acting and the cool visuals made up for any plot stupidness, and this episode actually had a lot less to piss me off than I might have expected. I'll miss these guys, despite my conflicting feelings for this show and its creators!

8.5/10

[the-cryptographer]

re: voltron s5-8

- Ah, yeah, there were a lot of plot holes and unbelievably convenient coincidences going on to keep the story rolling. But I’m not going to be talking about that just because there are so many and it’s the type of thing you must handwave to enjoy the show and I’m okay with that.

- Lotor family drama was pretty great. I’m glad we got the great, horrible filicide/patricide battle. Like, damn, it was great. And Lotor lighting the pyre at the Kral Zera was also very hype. Still not as great as him terribly rejecting Haggar/Honerva. I’m not sure all of these threads were seen to the best conclusion given how hype they all were individually, but I’m in general pretty glad with the way Lotor’s villainy happens and gets revealed to the crew. The honest feelings and affection for Allura getting flipped into ‘if you won’t go along with what I say, I’ll kill you’ was pretty frighteningly believable to me.

- Axca’s endless roulette of deciding who she’s going to align herself with today was also pretty great. I like that moment when her, Ezor, and Zethrid all are like ‘okay no’ to Lotor’s mad rambling and try to bail. Quality.

- Haggar/Honerva might be my favourite character in this canon though (competing with Lance and Coran) I like how competent she is, and how much we see of her personally struggling with the changes in her psyche after being affected by the quintessence. The choice to change her back was really excellent, and I love what it brought out in her, and I hope we get to see a lot of her in the final season.

- Monsters & Mana episode was really amazing. I’m sad it wasn’t the real Shiro playing - but it was still so IC and so fuckin hilarious that he kept on playing Paladin. Best episode.

- Gameshow episode was also good - Pidge’s run of the minigolf course in particular. But it can’t really compete with Monsters & Mana. A low point of it for me was Keith choosing Lance simply because he didn’t want to get stuck with Lance for eternity. Cold bro.

- The timey wimey stuff wasn’t too bad, but it was one of the contributors to what I felt was pretty uneven pacing. I kind of feel like we should have seen some of the stuff with Romelle and the stuff with Keith and his mom and the space wolf first hand, instead of rushing through a lot of it and then presenting the rest of it in flashbacks.

- Not so much the moment everyone was talking about, but The Black Paladins was really emotional in the end. idk like, as frustrating as it is seeing Keith be terribly reckless and consistently willing to sacrifice himself to save Shiro and everyone else, I do feel like it had payoff in the final scene of the episode. hit me hard for those times my teachers/coaches stood up for me. Yeah, Keith- if only you’d stop giving up on yourself.

- Uh, bruh, Earth isn’t in the centre of the Milky Way Galaxy. It’s all the way over to the side on the edge of the spiral. You guys seem to be headed in the wrong direction.

- This show really be overestimating how much I care about the extended Holt family. I think it got off on the wrong foot with the kind of overemotional bait & switch regarding Matt. But there’s also the issue of Pidge getting really reckless and inconsiderate whenever they’re threatened and putting them above everyone else which is... very real and understandable. But at the same time it’s kind of frustrating to watch, especially when the first thing I know about them is they make Pidge act this way before I’m given any reason to know or care about them.

- And I know it’s really just a coincidence, but how Admiral Sanda was handled really rubbed me the wrong way, especially how the other woman she’s (unintentionally?) juxtaposed against is Coleen Holt. Like, first you have this dutiful mother and wife who waited on Earth for 3+ years for her husband to return and she doesn’t stray at all and welcomes him back and supports him in every way he needs. And then Admiral Sanda is this woman who’s actually has rank and power and she’s constantly being vilified and told she’s unfit for her position by all the men working around her. And these are the heros and villains in Sam Holt’s story. When I think about it, there might not be a single woman on this show who’s actually at the top rung of the leadership hierarchy who’s not misaimed or evil. And, yeah, that kind of bothers me a bit. I mean, obviously on an in-universe level, Sanda is a pill. But on a meta level- You get to her death scene. And that she’s, like, the only person who the show actually lets die on screen in the fight to save Earth, as part of some death equals redemption arc... Like, it’s unrealistic and idealistic how many people didn’t die on this show - and that’s fine bc idealistic kids’ show - but Sanda is an acceptable target. If only she had listened to the men who were her intellectual superiors, boo hoo. It felt really obnoxious to me all around.

- Allurance lost some points with me. I still ship it, which is more than I can say for about 90% of the other relationships for this canon/fandom, but I’m decidedly more meh about it now. I know Lance is just a teenager and all, and it’s not out of character or something I couldn’t see happening, but the narrative going along with stuff about how ‘none of the other girls are like her, she’s just so speshul’ is the kind of thing that irritates me. As for Allura responding to Lance’s feelings - it was believable to me given a lot of the pieces that were put in place - but I think more time should have been devoted to following Allura’s feelings and thoughts through the whole of season 7, both in regards to this ship and otherwise. I see why other people say it felt rushed.

- And Axca/Keith is a cute battle couple, you guys are just bitter.

- Buuut, I totally think ppl have reason to be bitter. I don’t know exactly who all was responsible. And I know the creators apologised, and I don’t think they should have had to, necessarily. But, at the very least, some of the marketing decisions here were queerbaiting. The show has gone out of its way to market itself to its lgbt+ audience and fans and has created a lot of hype around Shiro and the show being gay aaaand, we got some subtext, a dead ex-boyfriend, some evil lesbians, and two strongly hinted het ships with the show’s major cast. Yeah. Even though I like those het ships, I get the bitterness.

- And... I think there’s a marked difference between the way the narrative treats Adam and the way it’s treated the other Paladin’s loved ones over the course of the show. Like, god, we’ve gotten so much of Pidge’s family drama. We got a whole episode of Pidge crying over Matt being dead when he wasn’t even dead. We got a lot of Hunk trying to come to terms with not being able to see his family at the Garrison this season. We got quite a bit of Veronica this season, and have touched on Lance missing his family since season one. Keith got several episodes about his mother and the lead up to and effects of his father dying. Coleen Holt waits for Sam Holt to return from space. But with Shiro we get this breakup and then Adam dies and it’s brushed over in a couple of minutes? Like, I’m not saying Adam shouldn’t have died necessarily, or that Shiro’s relationship with Adam shouldn’t have been on the rocks. I’m just saying it’s hard to really divorce this from the fact that the relationships straight ppl have are societally valued so much higher than the relationships lgbt+ ppl have, and this show isn’t really disagreeing with that in terms of what it continues to show us. And, like, I’m not angry and don’t really care all that much, like- I stopped looking for mass media to validate me in this way a long time ago. And I prefer to see myself represented in media through angst as opposed to nice, happy relationships anyhow. But, like, I’m tired of hearing that people /shouldn’t/ feel upset or betrayed by this, lmao. Like, yeah, there are totally valid reasons for people to feel that way. And it’s not like feelings even need to be validated to be there and deserve respected anyhow, smh.

- But, yeah, I’m serious. I’m over the moon about Ezor/Zethrid and I love them so much more than I could have possibly loved any heroic gays. I hope we get a lot of them being their wonderful selves and living to tell the tale next season :’)

- Hunk/Shay is also still good and quality.

- Also, this isn’t really a failing of Season 7, so much as just my preference but- I kind of wish the show hadn’t moved back to Earth. Because one of the major draws the show has for me is the weird alien culture exploration aspect of it. Without that it’s just kind of one string of ‘intricate plans to overthrow Galra -> intricate plans fail and the enemy seizes the upper hand -> heroes come through with a way to take back the upper hand -> enemies come up with a way to seize the upper hand back’ and so on and so forth in a ridiculous escalation of who can turn into the biggest dumbest giant robot and save the day from arbitrary time limit the fastest. And, like, I realise a lot of fans are here for the giant mech battles but I am so not. So I hope we get away from the ultra militant save earth stuff soon and get back to weird worldbuilding shenanigans soon <.<;;

[impulseoflife-blog1]

Temporal Rummage

Why? 

I am glad that I have a platform where I can type these three letters and scream out loud, and no one would judge me or ask me to keep it to myself or be submissive. Why should I be submissive and be subject to any atrocities? Does being a woman mean that I demean myself? 

From the moment of conception, millions of thoughts run in our society. Why a girl? How are we going to raise her up? What if she brings shame to our family?These are just some questions that I have heard over and over again. With the advent of the 21st century, I took it for granted that all of these prejudices and skepticisms would change. Little did I know that I was born into one such society till I moved to India. Personally, my life has been immensely blessed. I had the privilege of being born and raised in a country so far away, with no intervention of society. I held on to my faith and the rich Indian culture. I never knew that the system was shattered back in India. You, like me could have had a very blessed life. But, I am taking this opportunity to voice out several other souls who do not deserve this in any way, shape or form.

Womanhood is not a curse. And in a culture like ours, it is heartbreaking to see how womanhood crashes down most of the time because of ‘women’ themselves. Such an irony! I have been blessed with a wonderful family which let me take pride in my womanhood. Fortunately, I have been designed to be an empath. Fortunate I say, because I feel the pain of those who are less fortunate, and feel much privileged to voice their torment.

Men and women have been designed to complement one another, but in no way exercise power or superiority over each other. Often times, people mistake ‘respect’ for power and control that we see women submitting to the slavery that they are forced into.

My recent encounters with women in different stages of their life, stuck in the bondage, instilled in me a notion to ponder upon their unacceptable status. Beginning with being judged for being raised in a city or a certain circumstance to reasoning for her every action, women are subject to the opinion of a large mass. The people that form this society do not influence a woman for the better, rather trump her down and lead her to questioning her very existence. For understanding this, I think it would be most appropriate to walk through a journey of a woman from her teenage till her marriage.

The instant a woman attains puberty, it is the mark of a whole new life with prejudices and rules which is reinstated and passed on from generation to generation. These rules may lean towards good and bad, but the intention with which these rules are conveyed is purely out of the joy of seeing another woman in misery. Yes! “Don’t smile too much when you talk”, “Don’t touch any guy”, “Be more submissive”, “Why are you still running around like a kid?” are some of the several dialogues that you keep hearing bouncing off the walls. Overnight your life changes! I remember spending sleepless nights and praying that I had one more day to enjoy being a kid. Of course I never heard any of this from my mom, but of course our society never lets parents take charge, does it? I have always wondered if these dialogues could ever be replaced with “Be more vigilant”, “We have all been through this. And we’re here for you”. If you’re one of the lucky ones who has had a better experience, cherish the people you had and have in your life. There’s only a handful.

The next phase is adolescence, which is marked by the excitement of college life. Besides the area of study, there are several challenges that you face - making new friends and creating lasting memories. The relationships that you form here can make your or break you, since it is such a vulnerable stage of life. This stage or any stage of life, for that matter can be aptly compared to a ‘performance stage’. You perform your best to please the audience (the so called society). Any mistakes made here is always blown out of proportion. You have limited chance to learn from any of them, because by the time you learn from your mistakes you are trashed and brought down to a very belittling meaningless object. I have seen women taken advantage of, abused, manipulated and ruined. Do these women deserve to be judged? Do these women deserve to be wronged? Who are we in all this? Who are we to judge? The innate tendency of a woman would be to condemn evils and bring goodness to all. I still recall several women being blamed for mistakes that they never did. The reason being, if a man was involved, it was always a woman’s fault. This only makes me question, are men the weaker sex? Is it so hard to accept mistakes? Remember, this is indicative only of the few demeaning men that I had encountered, who are the most poisonous ‘weeds’ among the others. (Let me refer to these men and woman who cause eternal damnation on earth as ‘weeds’, for the purpose of making this more specific to those with such evil notions). So, from here you try to unload your baggage and try walking upright. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do it. What do we do when we watch inspirational stories of world leader who failed several times, but made it to the top due to persistent effort? We respect and honor them, but we don’t do it to women. Women who face these challenges and take a leap forward are often termed with offensive words and respected by a handful.

Soon after, she is displayed with the finest of jewels and clothes and adorned with sweet fragrance. Oh yes! this is how she is sold for her marriage. I was once told that being a woman was a curse and that it was a very expensive one. My father would never approve of this statement, nor will my brother, but remember I said weeds, yes one of those weeds. I was deeply affected and felt like a burden since I never felt any of this till I moved back to my own country. I also recall my father having to face people who often told him to be careful with his money since he had to marry me off. I salute my dad for responding to all of them with a smile and a few powerful words, “Such a family will never deserve my daughter”. And he remains true to those words till date. During this phase, I encountered women displayed in those art galleries with a price tag and weeds walking down the aisle picking and choosing the best price. Forgot to mention that the color of a woman’s skin was an added benefit. I saw some weeping as they were forced into getting betrothed. I saw some preparing to put up with a life that they had no clue about. I was stunned and shaken. Soon they were all sold. But nothing ends here. Here are some ‘truths’ and ‘facts’ that I had learnt from few of the ones who were subject to this kind of life. 1. “If you’re honest with your better-half about your baggage, you are assured of abuse in some way, shape or form. You are mistaken if you think trust can be built through honesty”. 2. “No matter how bad you’re tormented, put up with it, since your relatives will have to respond to the questions from the rest of the society”. 3. “As a woman, you’re considered temporary with regard to everything. Your job, friends, parents, possessions are all temporary”. 4. “Your in-laws use you to live their fairy tale”. 5. “A woman is a machine. She is meant to produce babies. The sooner she does, the better”. 6. “You can never live a fairy tale that you had dreamt of in your younger years”. Again, I think at this point it is worth mentioning that i am taking about the weeds and not everyone. Living with these truths and facts become second nature. Do any of these people take a moment to think of how sacred marriage is? Do they take one minute to realize that any major life changing decision is personal between the couple and God and none have the right to interfere whatsoever. The frustration of not being able to fulfill your purpose and live the life that you’re meant to live is a curse in itself. And it is the society and the weeds among men that impose this curse.

Faith has been my very pillar that led me to believe that there is a fairy tale that is designed for each of us and when we look up to God, we are always safely placed in the path that he has designed for us. I married into a family which believes in God and love. I have encountered God’s perfect love through the very existence of my beloved. My father proved himself right to the society which tried to bring this curse on me. I have broken through every chain that could have pulled me back into the pits and now live a life that I could have never imagined. But, through all of this, I see how rapidly empathy is growing within me. I use the strength that I have mustered up with the help of my husband, to pen these brutalities without a second thought. If you are one of the many women who go through these cruelties, it is time that you seek out God’s purpose for your life. It is imperative that we kill the weeds as and when they start blooming. I have witnessed the destruction that they can cause.

All of this only brings me to one thing. When we have an innate tendency to love and give to people, irrespective of their gender, why do we let evil creep in? Why?

[thehallofgame]

Review: Resident Evil Zero

Release 2002

My Rating: 6.5

Resident Evil Series: 1/11

This is part one of a review series I’ll be doing of all the core games, code veronica and revelations spin offs of the Resident Evil Series. Whether or not I’ll doing be doing Operation Racoon City is still undecided. I currently plan to launch these on Sundays when I have nothing else slated and on Thursdays. Review under the cut.

Resident evil zero wears its heart on its sleeve. That is to say it is a thorough and obvious love letter to the original resident evil games. It takes you way back to where it all began, the Arklay mountains of Racoon City, on the night the S.T.A.R.S Bravo team went missing.

The player takes the role of S.T.A.R.S rookie and medic Rebecca Chambers who finds herself alone in a zombie infested forest after a helicopter crash (and her team splitting up in true nonsensical Resident Evil fashion). She soon runs into an escaped military police prisoner by the name of Billy Cohen and the two form an uneasy partnership. Umbrella Corp. Hijinks™ soon follow, trapping the pair in a string of aging, puzzle riddled edifices and secret underground superstructures.

The plot of the game is basically what you’d expect from the Resident Evil series. The fabulous Umbrella corporation has a massive screw up and viral outbreak on their hands which was probably caused by the ubiquitous corporate espionage that borders on company policy as this point. The villains are ridiculous and overwrought, the plot makes zero sense and barely serves to explain the Frankenstein’s Monster style monstrosities that Capcom tries to murder Billy and Rebecca with. That said, the leads in the game are both charming in their own distinct ways and my caring for them led me to push through to the end of the game long after the nostalgia had given way to annoyance with the gameplay.

Rebecca is clearly a rookie, and while her inexperience shows, her bravery and intelligence shine through. Her earnestness, ability to trust others despite reasons not to and pure grit are all incredibly endearing and left me hopelessly enamored and rooting for her.

Meanwhile her costar, Billy, is a brusque, aggressive ex-marine who slings Resident Evil’s signature awful one-liners (to my infinite delight). He’s not instantly likable and he’s pretty suspicious considering he escaped custody at exactly the time zombie nonsense sprung up. Yet over time he reveals bits and pieces about himself that help the player to understand him and how he got to where he is. His personality doesn’t change, but as the trust between he and Rebecca grew so too did my liking for him. I find myself hoping he one day makes another appearance in the series.

Characters notwithstanding most other features of Resident Evil Zero are not welcome to return. The game uses the traditional Resident Evil gameplay mechanics. You move your character around stationary sets and must stand still to shoot enemies. You have a small inventory with which to carry your equipment and the odds and ends you need to solve puzzles scattered around the levels. The game adds little touches in order to innovate the formula, but most of those changes only serve to make the game more frustrating than its predecessors.

Unlike previous games your partner is almost always with you. With a button you switch between them to access their different abilities. Billy is stronger than Rebecca. He takes significantly more punishment before falling and can push larger objects. Rebecca is the only one who can mix medicines and fit through ventilation ducts. The player is given some basic controls to order the partner around. They can either wait or follow and attack automatically or hold fire. The partner comes into play in several puzzles which usually involve having one partner operating switches while the other completes an activity in another room as the player switches back and forth between them. Resident Evil Zero takes this opportunity to adopt puzzles from other games and make them harder. One memorable puzzle was borrowed from resident evil two. At the bottom of a reservoir several boxes need to be pushed into a bridge in the empty reservoir before the water can be returned, the boxes floated and the space crossed. In Resident Evil Zero they add more boxes and a rotating grate to the formula. This results in there being one specific order of steps that solve the problem and any mistakes will render the puzzle unsolvable so that the player must leave and reenter the room and start again.

Zero also takes the inventory system of the older games and brings it to new heights of obnoxious. You must carry your guns, ammo, puzzle solving items and medications with you because unlike in other games there is no storage box you can leave things in. This often means choosing to leave items behind and in several cases ultimately results in back tracking through entire levels to retrieve something.

Luckily those levels are usually fun to look at. The game obviously took care in its design. The colors are faded and muted, giving the game a dream-like and dusty quality that suits and ties together its different environments. The homages to earlier games continue strongly in the level design as the ‘training facility’ mansion you visit is strongly reminiscent of the mansion in Resident Evil and farther into the game you revisit locales from Resident Evil 2. The game adds some new enemies to the original set. They’re mostly leach themed since that’s the big enemy hook of the game. The new enemies are often infuriatingly hard to kill and can trap you in locations. It’s familiar to how Resident Evil 2 used Lickers in early game, but unlike Lickers the leach enemies are only effectively harmed by fire based attacks and so can leave you stuck if you’ve exhausted your supply of Molotov cocktails.

All together Resident Evil Zero was a competent outing for the series. Its frustrating controls and baffling story might be a bit too much to overcome for some. Fans of the series, however, will probably find a lot to love in the subtle and not so subtle call backs to the early days of survival horror.