#I also think moist would actually HATE being patrician but it would also make him feel Alive in that way particular to him

[portmantaur]

actually hang on, nobody asked, but I do have thoughts about moist von lip wig and the office of the patrician. because while I couldn’t bring myself to believe that vetinari only has one single option in mind for possible successors, I do think that the idea of him “grooming the city” (a la this post) and leaving a very specific shape behind to fill is absolutely why he’s testing to see if moist specifically can tie himself into the appropriate knots to fill the post.

I actually think that Night Watch’s depiction of young vetinari paints the picture of a young man quite similar to moist in a lot of ways. Yes, young havelock is reserved in ways that feel familiar to people who have read all of discworld up until that point, but he’s got this distinct unfamiliarity of youth that feels echoed in a lot of moist’s inner narrative. He’s cocky, he stirs shit on purpose sometimes just because he feels compelled to, he is motivated by and invested in Big Ideas even when he can’t quite grasp them fully or think all the way through to all their possible logical conclusions. Even at the end of the book, adult vetinari describes himself as having joined the melee over Keel’s body with a lilac bloom clutched between his teeth. Even in a position where he’s supposed to be - and is quite adept at being - understated and subtle, he has an urge to be showboaty that he sometimes, at least in the throes of youth and revolution, cannot resist. he’d rather take a failing grade in his concealment class if it means he can truthfully say he faithfully attended every lesson and was simply never seen by the instructor. he hides the last remaining manuscripts of a specific author on the art of camouflage inside the cover of a large book on accounting.

and, as the patrician, he’s in the perfect position to see the truth of moist as a young man who can be incredibly creative, pragmatic (especially socially), and almost absurdly dedicated to the Long Con when sufficiently self-motivated. I see so many moments in moist’s stories where vetinari seems to be very clearly testing the idea that moist might maintain all of these useful qualities while being Something-Else Motivated. and so, much like Carrot sort of proposed to angua with the city itself, vetinari begins to introduce moist to Ankh Morpork like a gift, like an engagement ring. yes, the stakes are not necessarily immediately city-sized, but the rewards by the end of it absolutely are. by the beginning of making money, moist has his very-nearly gold chain - he’s a Respected City Figure. and when vetinari sees that moist is internally conflicted about how Boring this feels, he then dangles another challenge - he opens another door and says “but look, there’s still more.”

and I think something that’s interesting about vetinari’s relationship with moist being viewed through this specific lens is that vetinari is also being really very practical and forward thinking. for all that the two are alike, moist has qualities that vetinari doesn’t - possibly that vetinari could not have, to have done the job as well as he has up until this point. but he’s looking to the future, and he sees a man the the people - the big, nebulous, mob-like creature that is The People of The City - cannot help but love, cannot help but be open to. vetinari is older by the time he, for whatever reason, sees himself as someone who can invite lady margolotta more officially into his life, and moist already has a similar bond in adora that could practically be described as load-bearing. miss dearheart is as integral to moist’s life as a functioning heart or brain, maybe moreso given what silliness he engages in when she is away, and she absolutely has a sharp bear trap of a mind that could and did tame the clacks and could and absolutely would tame some equally wild aspects of the city itself. she is exactly what it would take to temper moist in necessary ways, and she is fully the only one who can.

and since carrot cannot, would not succeed vetinari in all but the most extreme and likely temporary of circumstances, moist might also be the closest person available to fill the vetinari-shaped hole left behind while also cultivating a similar Good With People quality that has thus far not significantly existed in any of ankh morpork’s leaders. vetinari is distinctly good At people, much like granny weatherwax, and carrot is good By people, both for his apparently infinite ability to seek out and wrench forth the internal goodness of most anyone he comes across, and for the mysterious nobility quality that would absolutely mark him as a well-intentioned step backward into the divine right mindset that many people (especially Vimes) see as messy at best and harmful at worst.

But moist is good With people. he doesn’t have to like them, and often doesn’t, to appeal to them and to guide them into his own way of thinking. people don’t necessarily like him because “he is moist von lipwig,” the way carrot once described his reluctance to step into an official leadership role in the city. they don’t like him because he’s “what works” or the “least bad option” the way many citizens have describe their views on vetinari. people like moist genuinely for how he treats them, for how he moves through the world, for how relatable he is both in his wild & lucky success and his predictable and dramatic failures (that he still manages to turn around for himself in the end). and what a thing that might be, for Ankh Morpork to have a patrician who is beloved not by obligation or by lack of suitable alternative, but by his humanity and his willingness to love right back - imperfect and clumsy and even somewhat insincere as any other citizen might be. a man of the people because he is just a person, and he just happens to be the exact right person for the job.

[nireidi]

You get it! I depending on when in the Discworld timeline they show up I can see the Summoning Dark looking like either the Dark or the Slaughter, which really would just make Jon even more Leary of the man- not to mention one look at Angua and she’s got the Hunt written all over her. I feel like Martin’s friendship with Sybil is probably instrumental in getting this resolved.

I imagine it takes a long time for Jon to accept that the Entities really are banished to the dungeon dimension. Which is probably how he ends up at the university in the library. He’s doing research. And he’s there so often that everyone just sort of assumes he’s a student and before he knows it, he ends up going to classes, and has taken his first levels and is an actual wizard.

There’s probably a subplot where they threaten to kick Jon out of the university unless he wears the hat- and thats when he realizes he accidentally became a wizard while he wasn’t paying attention 😂 he has a minor crisis about this- cuz how many times must a man stumble into supernaturalness in one life time? But given how wizards are viewed on the Disc, Martin thinks it’s hilarious.

As for Vetinari- here’s my thoughts on how that goes down. Jon has to resolve an issue related to evil books that are being sent through the post office and encounters Moist Von Lipwig. Moist, is constantly being summoned to see the patrician so Jon gets swept up along for the ride. Watching the two of them talk at each other certainly doesn’t make the patrician less terrifying- but seeing Moist’s reactions does. I imagine this takes place after Making Money so Moist’s status as a former criminal is known. And Jon gets the run down from him. Does he like Vetinari? No. Absolutely not. Does he sort of understand him enough not to have a ptsd flashback by being in the room with him? More or less.

Moist also reminds him a bit of Tim so to everyone’s surprise the two of them don’t actually hate each other. And Jon becomes Moist’s go to wizard for shenanigans.

I feel like Jon would probably be hesitant to travel away from the university he’s deemed as safe, so Martin would be more likely to encounter the witches- maybe a colony of swamp dragons gets discovered in the ramtops and the sunshine sanctuary gets called to help remove it? Either way I feel like Martin would get along great with all of them and end up as pen pals with Nanny Ogg- who occasionally acts as a proxy for him and granny who I can’t see being pen pals with anyone.

As far as Dibblers sausages are concerned- I’m not sure even the Eye could give Jon a clear answer there 😂

Magnus Archives/Discworld crossover (a fic I will never write but always crave)

- Jon and Martin end up somewhere else. That somewhere else is ankh Morpork.

- there’s some hijinks and shenanigans and the fears get banished to the dungeon dimensions.

- I feel like Jon and Ponder Stibbons will be friends.

- Jon becomes a wizard, since knowing things and not doing magic is half of what it takes to be a wizard anyway. I feel like he would probably end up working in the library, and helping keep students away from the dangerous books.

- eventually I think he would end up a professor in his own right, maybe a professor of Catastrophic Literature, that feels fitting. He would have his own department, but in the way Wizards do, so he mostly hangs out with the librarian and the grad students in the library or high energy magic building. I feel like the way wizards approach academia would be good for Jon.

- also at unseen university Jon could openly talk about his experiences without judgement. Maybe commiserate with Rincewind.

- meanwhile Martin- I think if they were in the country Martin would become a witch, but in the city, I think he would end up working for the sunshine sanctuary for sick dragons and end up becoming friends with Sybil.

- he would absolutely end up bringing a dragon home, and Jon would be utterly charmed by it. Even if it does leave acid stains on his robes. It’s like the more pathetic version of a cat.

- Martin had kind of been hoping Jon would be the voice of reason about the dragons- but before he knows it they have three and they couldn’t be happier. (Though they could probably be a bit less singed.)

- I know Martin has his thing about burning and fire, but also I feel like the dragons are therapeutic for him.

I may add more thoughts later- I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts tho!!!

[morporkian-cryptid]

Today in "Elliott's Niche AF AUs": one (1) person asked me about this, sooooo...

Lupin III Discworld AU crossover headcanon pile thingy!!!

For those who don't know: Discworld is a flat world held on the back of four giant elephants on top of a giant turtle, floating through space. That world has magic, as well as trolls, dwarves, goblins etc... but in a way that's meant to subvert typical fantasy tropes.

Ankh-Morpork, the biggest city on the Disc, is a hotbed of crime, innovations, and innovations in crime. It is run by a council of guilds, and by a Patrician (a lifelong tyrant; he's elected by the guilds but he has the final say in everything). Notorious for having an Assassins', Thieves', Beggars', and Seamstresses' (sex workers) Guilds. Also notorious for its Watch (the police), which is actually surprisingly good at solving crimes. It's also the biggest immigration destination on the Disc.

Character backstories/situations:

Lupin : half-quirmian-half-agatean (Quirm being the DW equivalent of France), grew up in the Agatean Empire (DW equivalent of China/East Asia). He moved to Ankh-Morpork to follow Fujiko, and/or to escape Zenigata. He’s an illegal thief (meaning he's not registered with the Thieves' Guild), and his favourite hobby (besides just stealing in general) is screwing with the Guild. Commander Vimes, the head of the Watch, is supposed to catch him (or at least help Zenigata catch him), but he's secretly rooting for him because he dislikes the Guild slightly more than he dislikes Lupin.

Jigen : son of a couple of Agatean immigrants in Ankh-Morpork, grew up as a street urchin in the Shades (the most crime-ridden neighborhood of the notoriously crime-ridden Ankh-Morpork). He joined the Assassins’ Guild later in his life as a (mostly self-taught) sharpshooter, with a talent that outshone that of the Guild's best students. He later quit the Guild after he met Lupin (possibly had a contract to kill Lupin, and decided “screw this I’m going with him”). He can use any kind of shooting weapons, but favors crossbows. He’s tried stealing and using the gonne (DW's first and only firearm); it didn't go well. He somehow managed to learn one single spell from the wizards, the fireball, by becoming pals with Arcchancelor Ridcully (wizard, head of the Unseen University, and famous for his unfortunate passion for crossbow shooting).

Goemon : agatean immigrant/fugitive, master swordsman. He left Agatea because Fujiko stole his Zantetsuken and fled to Ankh-Morpork, so Goemon had to follow her to retrieve his sword. He then met Lupin and Jigen and decided to stick around. The Zantetsuken is a talking sword, and its personality is basically the embodiment of Bushido. It's extremely annoying (like all talking swords), but Goemon loves it. (it was probably his only friend back in Agatea)

Fujiko : agatean immigrant/fugitive. Ran away from the Agatean Empire chased by Goemon. She joined the Thieves’ Guild, but everyone confuses her for a seamstress because her technique usually involves seduction. She tried it on Vetinari once. It failed spectacularly.

Zenigata : agatean immigrant, part of the Empire’s police force, who came to Ankh-Morpork chasing Lupin. He only brought his assistant Yata with him, and has to cooperate with the Watch to have resources to catch Lupin. Vimes doesn’t particularly like him, but he’s good at his work so he can’t say anything (they're both too stubborn to get along).

Bonus:

Yata: Zenigata’s assistant, came to Ankh-Morpork with him, rapidly became great friends with Rufus Drumknott (the Head Secretary of the Patrician, Lord Vetinari). He has a bad influence on Drumknott. He also befriended Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, but then again Carrot befriends everyone.

Ami: She's a clacks operator. Clacks are basically the DW equivalent of telegraph. There's a group of clacks hackers called the GNU, so she might have joined them.

Albert: He's part of the Patrician's Dark Clerks (they're the secret services of Ankh-Morpork)

Rebecca: She's from Quirm. That’s all I have about her for now. (Quirm's the equivalent of France, but in the french translation it was made into an equivalent of Italy)

Random-Ass Headcanons

Lupin gets along like a house on fire with Moist von Lipwig (former conman and current postmaster, notorious adrenaline junkie), both figuratively and literally. Lupin and Lipwig sometimes team up on heists and rely on each other’s help, when they’re not busy competing against each other because Lupin keeps daring Lipwig to thieving competitions.

One of the contests’ goal is to steal Vetinari’s manuscript, The Servant. Fujiko wins. She wasn’t even in the race.

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Fujiko quickly became friends with Adora-Belle Dearheart (Moist von Lipwig's rather explosive girlfriend), they get together every now and then to trash-talk their respective boyfriends.

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For some reason everyone thinks Lupin is a werewolf. (it’s actually Jigen)

(maybe. I haven't yet decided whether or not he is. That would be a very good source of angst, considering what most werewolves are like, and also a very good source of domestic fluff if the whole gang has to adapt to the moon cycle and Jigen's transformations. Idk. Might be fun.)

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Fujiko owns a horse golem (a gift from Adora-Belle or something she stole, we may never know). The Gang also owns a carriage, modified with a spell so it will drive faster, and they drive it completely carelessly. It has been destroyed and rebuilt countless times. (actually a bunch of spells, Lupin probably found a way to blackmail Ridcully so he could mod the shit out of his carriage. Or they rely on Jigen’s friendship with Ridcully)

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Lupin uses swamp dragons as firearms (dialogue courtesy of @marquise-de-clarabas: Jigen: You stole a dragon??? Lupin: I didn’t steal him! He’s his own person and can make decisions himself! Dragon: I wanna steal). He has an alias and disguise entirely dedicated to visiting the Sunshine Sanctuary For Sick Dragons, and somehow became friends with Lady Sybil Ramkin-Vimes (Commander Vimes' wife, and the greatest expert on swamp dragons in the city, probably on the Disc). Vimes doesn't know about it, and Lupin finds the whole situation hilarious. He constantly makes jokes about how he’s playing with fire.

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The Thieves’ Guild and the Watch are competing to catch the Gang, but secretly Vimes is rooting for the Gang (the Guild just hates them). That said, Vimes also hates Lupin (only slightly less than he dislikes the Guild), because he's always a little shit whenever he gets put in jail, and then he immediately breaks out.

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Rincewind (famously bad wizard with a shit luck and a tendency to run from problems) once got arrested by Zenigata, because he got startled by him yelling LUPAAAAAAAAAN! and started running for the hills, making Zenigata believe he was Lupin in disguise. Rincewind is terrified of Zenigata.

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Zenigata is actively trying to stop the Thieves' Guild from catching Lupin and Co, both because he wants to catch them himself, and because he knows what the Guild does to illegal thieves and he doesn’t want it to happen to Lupin.

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Lupin stole Ridcully’s hat (custom wizard hat with a bunch of pockets, drawers, a crossbow, and a tiny flask of alcohol) as a gift for Jigen’s birthday. He also stole Lipwig’s hat (golden cap with dove wings), after which Adora claimed she didn’t recognize Moist (dialogue courtesy of @marquise-de-clarabas: Moist: C’mon babe, it’s me, your boyfriend! Adora, knowing full well who he is: I have never met this man in my entire life). He also raided the Assassins' Guild's armory/museum to get a birthday gift for Goemon.

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About Jigen and the gonne (spoilers for Men at Arms) : basically, the gonne being such a dangerous and destructive weapon compared to crossbows, it has a nigh-magical attraction on people, and awakens and strengthens whatever lust for power, vengeance, blood etc they have. It basically controls its user and feeds on their convictions, addictions, wants, etc. The only person known to have resisted it is Vimes (because he's a stubborn mofo with a sense of morals you could bend iron on), and even he came damn near to losing his mind. (And Carrot, because... he's Carrot.)

Assuming the gonne didn't get destroyed in this AU: after they steal it, Lupin tries to use it, gets completely possessed/cursed (again) and accidentally tries to murder his friends (again), prompting Jigen to take it from him. Jigen then gets possessed as well, and they start fighting for the gonne, until Goemon just walks in, takes it out of their hands and takes it away. Goemon's completely unaffected by the gonne because 1) of his ascetic training and 2) "it is a filthy morporkian artifact and cannot compare to the noble art of the sword."

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Zenigata often teams up with Angua (resident werewolf of the Watch), they get along very well. The Gang is very easy to track, they smell like a tobacco factory that has caught on fire.

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Yata and Drumknott (Patrician's head secretary, and confidante, sort of) get together after office hours, and argue about whose boss is the best (because as we all know they both have a crush on respective bosses). One day Drumknott accidentally calls Vetinari “Sempai” after he heard Yata call Zenigata that all the time.

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Lupin follows Lipwig’s example and steals all of Yata’s pencils every time he visits the Pseudopolis Yard (the Watch's HQ). Drumknott is fuming when Yata tells him about it.

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Leonardo Da Quirm is butt-naked, because Part 4.

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Something with vampires, probably.

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tagging @carriagelamp and @mad-whoman-with-a-book00 because I know you may be potentially interested in this AU ^^