#I also missed a day of meds accidentally and had brain zaps which are so fucking scary

[didi-on-the-side]

oh NoOoO it's bad today. bad bad.

smack it with a hammer.

🧠🔨

[snowieluna]

Random post popped up reminding me that Viibryd exists and I used to take it. The brain zaps were hell, and my doctor didn't believe that was a side effect 🙃

Life is weird. Last week I freaked out because JR is moving to the lab. Body had a "our powers combined" moment of shitty things that led to me crying in the bathroom at work, then continuing to cry at my station while trying to hide it. Period was early, I made a small mistake not cleaning the pill counter sooner, JR pointing that out triggered rejection sensitivity, and Daylight Savings seemed to be bringing on seasonal depression.

So when I found out he was going, I panicked. I got attached super quick and didn't want him to go. Also felt a little conflicted because I had decided to stay in filling rather than pursue moving to the lab partly because of him. I thought he was pretty cool and I wanted to get to know him better. But I learned that he's been wanting to move to the lab for months, and it feels shitty not being happy for him. But him leaving brought up a bunch of memories from CR leaving at the last job. How I had to go outside so I could cry in peace and try to breathe. That bad pain in your chest from being abandoned again. (Yeah dramatic brain is dramatic.)

So when I was back at my station and trying to calm down, I was failing. Because I'm partly focused on trying to breathe, trying to fill testosterone orders, and trying to not be super obvious with my current breakdown. So I'm breaking boxes from packing syringes when my brain goes to "I could cut myself with my box cutter. It could look like an accident. It might help. It'd be logical to be crying from a bad cut. And maybe I'd feel better. The pain is a little shock. And I deserve it, right? I'm a shitty friend for not being happy for him." But I pushed past the thought. And honestly later on, he kind of made me feel better. I'm not sure if he noticed that I was off, but he got me talking about music and it helped.

So onto this week. I went in, depressed that he was probably not going to be there, but he was still in filling. I heard bits of him talking to the others in Spanish, that he might be staying until our other coworker gets back from vacation. (Which tbh I kinda thought would happen. It doesn't make sense to have us down two people at night.) But he was kinda in an off mood, besides me still being in depression mode, so the vibes have been weird.

Now another coworker from the day shift has moved to nights, so that helps with us being short. So now JR is gonna start lab stuff on Friday. I've been trying to be less reliant on him this week. Bugging him less for help. A different coworker from the day shift joked that I should be asking JR for help when I couldn't reach something today, and I kinda shot back "Well he's leaving me, so..." So later on when I carried a bunch of meds downstairs, he was like "Hey! You're good. You don't even need me." It still kinda hurt, like no dude, I'm still gonna miss you.

Finally got the courage to be like "So I've had something I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to freak you out." Cue our coworker popping back up to drop off the pill counter. Yo my heart was pounding. Like damn I've been psyching myself the past ten minutes 😭 After she went back downstairs, I continued. "So you remember I said I was in an open relationship? Well, is that something you'd be interested in?" And he said right now, no, but it's nothing he'd freak out about. I said something like "That's fine. I had to ask, though. You're really cute." 🙈 He said he appreciated the directness, and we both agreed that signals are hard to read. He seemed a tiny bit flustered after, but we went to visit the pharmacist's bulldog downstairs. Then I babbled about cosplay, and it felt comfortable again.

Like obviously I'm bummed I won't get to do anything with him. Hell, he accidentally flicked me with his hair earlier when he turned quick and I was more like 😳 than annoyed I got hit in the face. He's still gonna give me the doki dokis tomorrow, but I'm glad I got to ask, and not keep thinking "what if." Plus he knows how I feel and if he changes his mind, I'm here 😆

So I guess that's the end of that? I'm hoping we still get to catch up more on breaks sometimes.