#I also have a tf2 one w scout where the two of them are so unbelievably closeted

[kaleschmidt]

bringing this back because I think it's super funny to do this w oc x canon as well

some ships are better left unrequited..

[multiheadcanons]

TF2 MERCS AND MUSIC

scout: scout, as we know, loves tom jones. he’d probably also be an elvis guy. but that’s not what i’m here to talk about, frankly. i’m here to talk about how scout is the team’s sole music influence. anything the team discovers past like… the 80s scout put them on. and scout gives anything at least one listen. he’s actually got an s tier music taste. knows exactly what to recommend to each of his team members, except snipes. he never knows what to do with that guy. making active attempts to listen to more classical, though will naturally opt for 70s pop. he loves elton john. also loves tom cardy. blasts mixed messages. on his really shitty days, both the enemy team and his own team taunt him with this stupid fucking song, he has no idea where they came up with it; but when he’s getting his shit rocked everyone follows him around yelling “my name is the scout. doc. i need some healing. scout. that is my name. scout. i want another. scout. where is my baaaaaaall? i’m running out of the spawn; there is a booooooomb, and it is gonna hit me—” AND THEN THEY KILL HIM AGAIN. that shit pisses him off so much.

soldier: this man was wrecked when he heard the news of karen carpenter. the day scout showed him the carpenters he was gobbling it up. when he’s not listening to straight up “women still don’t have credit cards” doo-wop, he opts for what he calls the hippie dippie shit, it’s a guilty pleasure. love hates the beatles. loves a lady with a nice voice. demo put him on the proclaimers. he’ll listen to them when he misses his bud. really enjoys christmas music!

pyro: pyro is a white knight swiftie and nothing will ever change that, bar her like… purposefully running over puppies. in the pit five times during rep tour. CRUSHED when loverfest got canceled. LOVES their pop girlies. loves all the girlies, really! has NEVER been a barb and will never BE a barb. is an active member of stan twitter. is the kind to harass you aggressively online if they don’t agree with you. has a very long dni list. is blocked by many people. spy won’t help them dox people.

demo: demo loves the proclaimers and jazz in all its forms. god, he loves jazz so much. regular attendee of jazz clubs. brings his own drinks, just goes for the music. goes to jazz open mics. also loves sade. he adores that woman. does the old man two step when he’s really getting into a song, and if someone’s in in the room with them he will urge them to dance with him. if you don’t know what the old man two step is, it is a very effective dance move. you do a wide two step with your elbows out. it is not an old man two step if your elbows are any less than a 45 degree angle from your body. scout put him on thundercat and his life has never been the same. will drunkenly scream sing dragonball durag. he’s an appreciator of hemlocke springs.

engineer: obviously engie loves country. he’s from texas. but here’s the thing about him; he is a strange elitist and HATES covers. he will not listen to a cover, he wants to hear the person who wrote it sing the song. has a stupid amount of random country facts floating through his head at all times. tries to bond with pyro through what he knows about country taylor swift but pyro knows everything there is to know about her. pyro is actually the one to educate him about taylor swift. pyro appreciates the attempt though. they ate up red tv together. engie tried really hard to deny the fact that he was tearing up to all too well but pyro placed a hand on his shoulder, paused the track, and said “it’s okay to cry.” like a cult initiation. and frankly that was it. “it’s just so well done.” he mumbled. and pyro supported him through it. also LOVES tracy chapman. he has cried to fast car a couple times. loves all his country girls. carrie underwood being an anti-vaxxer threw him off though.

heavy: heavy is an opera nut. his favorite is the nose by shostakovich. has taken medic and anyone else who’s interested to any opera he can find within five hours of them. will go on AT LENGTH if allowed about it. picked up on the old man two step from demo. has found a great appreciation for hozier. oh he eats that irishman up actually. finds him to be a prolific, unsung poet of the modern day. he told scout this; said his favorite song was eat your young. scout said “oh the take me to church guy, didn’t peg you for the yearning lover type. noted”. medic heard that, gave the song a listen, came back, and stared heavy down the rest of the day. his face was unreadable. he never asked who he could possibly relate that to. and heavy did that on purpose. it was so hard for him to keep a straight face, the second he got to his room that night, he tried so hard to remain quiet, but his laughter echoed through the base. has a signed unreal unearth on accident. he thought he was just buying the regular cd. also a supporter of npr. he’s got the mug and the tote.

sniper: snipes is a genuine “i’ll listen to anything” person. he prefers podcasts anyway. he’s got a favorite song in any genre you can think of, and no interest in listening to music outside of the one “favorite song” slot per genre. there’s only like, three songs he actually ever wants to listen to when he has the itch though. and you bet your ass down under is one of them. he’s got an old walkman with cassettes that he recorded his favorite songs on over the years. he’s got maybe seven, eight of those cassettes total. he’s got some crazy live performances on there that nobody would believe for a day sniper was at. but he’ll tell you go look up pictures in the crowd, and you’ll find him everytime by his hat. this doesn’t mean he doesn’t listen to music; he just never goes out of his way to pick anything. he’s open to everything. me, personally, i think snipes would enjoy distractible. he’d find them humorous. probably listens to like…. critical and strategic dnd podcasts abt how to build encounters and craft dungeons.

medic: DEFINITELY a rave kid. made a POINT to go to the brat concert. team was just down a doctor while he went on holiday. told everyone to not die while he was gone. i mean, come on. go look at him. right now. you don’t even have to look at the fanart, you can go watch meet the medic, or literally look at his face in any panel of the comics. i’ll wait right here. welcome back. you saw that face, right? at all angles? that is the face of a young man from a time past who went by “DJDEADDOVE” and stole from the hospital he worked at in his mid twenties to sell drugs at raves and frame the intern on duty. his buyers LOVED him. you want to tell me that man DOESN’T listen to techno? you mean to tell me his synapses don’t function to erratic cracks of static and his heart is not fueled by a steady drum? you’re insane. a hard beat always takes him back to the good old days. back when he was a young man and the world was his to conquer! loves seeing the rave scene nowadays, but he doesn’t think he’s got energy like that anymore. ach! the days! how they pass!

spy: spy prefers silence most of the time. but there was one song he had a spiritual experience with. scout played fireflies by owl city offhandedly and it altered spy’s mindset, genuinely. he has never listened to it since. otherwise, he will take one (1) quiet instrument solo at a very low volume. hates brass instruments. the woodwinds can also fuck off. he will take a string instrument. percussions can stay but they’re on thin ice. he just likes to be able to hear his surroundings. when people ask him what his favorite song is he says 4’33” by john cage.

[hadesisonlyalad]

yk i dont post a lot on tumblr but we all saw that red flags post so im gonna take a moment of ur time to say something on each merc and the red flags listed for them. im doing a read more incase u havent seen the “mercs red flags” headcanon post and it does not flood ur page

both the medic and engie things with “not wanting to spend time with you/wont make time for you” is SUCH bullshit if that was the case they wouldnt even date you. and then ur telling me engie tf2, DELL CONAGHER, would NEVER want to take you on a date? like ever??? u are INSANE. And then sorry to tackle medic and engie in the same paragraph but they had a lot of common “””””red flags””””” that were listed. why would he yell at you. he hardly even yells in general (based off comics and voice lines) if anything hes just kinda a loud person 💀 AND YOU BRINGING UP ONE THING WONT MAKE HIM SUDDENLY IGNORE YOU FOR DAYS LIKE?? he KNOWS hes committing medical malpractice btw. he would not leave you for bringing that up he is WELL AWARE of what hes doing. and we see him CANONICALLY DISCIPLINE ARCHIMEDES IN MEET THE MEDIC, WHY WOULD HE TOLERATE HIS BIRDS ATTACKING YOU????

also why are we listing an addiction as a “red flag” what the fuck is wrong with you. i get not wanting to date someone with an addiction, its a valid concern, but thats SO much more serious than a “red flag” or “ick”??? LIKE ARE YOU OKAYYYY???????

AND THEN HEAVY’S RED FLAG IS “he has trauma” FUCKING. PACK IT UP GUYS IG IF YOU HAVE TRAUMA YOU CAN NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. (/s) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

i’m fine with the miss pauling ones, at least two of them, because yeah, it’s canon that she doesn’t have the most time and i imagine if ur not a merc or work in that area a relationship might be a bit hard? but shes an honest person, i don’t think she’s gonna lie to you. idk im very neutral about the pauling ones, if anything theyre the most in character of this shithole list.

all i have to say for pyro is like. yk those people who hc pyro as aroace except theyre super weird about it? like theyre either infantilizing them or have weird ableist feelings about pyro? yeah thats the vibes im getting. actually wait where did u pull codependent pyro from actually wtf

i think the “tryna live like hes 20” thing for spy is really fucking funny 💀 like go girl go live through that middle age crisis!!/j no but seriously. hes dating you hes gonna think you’re a 10, and even then YOU’RE SAYING IF YOU AGE AT ALL HE’LL LEAVE YOU??? CANON MILF LOVER SPY. “OFF TO VISIT YOUR MOTHER!” SPY TF2. WILL LEAVE YOU IF YOU GET OLD AND AGE AT ALL…? HE LIKES HIS WOMEN LIKE HE LIKES HIS WINE MOTHERFUCKER: AGED. sorry bad joke lets keep going uh- i think the other hcs are garbage too i just really hate specifically this spy hc. just this one specifically.

im not a sniper connoisseur, my friend will is way better versed in sniper’s characterization, but even i know this isnt sniper. “thinks if he argues long enough he’ll win”…? “cannot support you in anything”?!!?! “IF YOU’RE HIS FRIEND AND YOU TWO GET INTO A BAD ARGUMENT PREPARE TO NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN” IM GENUINELY AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. I JUST. I DONT..? WHAT DO I EVEN SAY. I DONT K N O W WHAT TO SAY. BUT IF I DID KNOW WHAT TO SAY I’D BE SAYING VERY BAD THINGS.

i dont think scout is misogynistic- i see why people think that but me personally i just think he has no game and people mistake it as violent misogyny for some reason. but. listen we know scout is a dick we do okay but he loves women. why would he cheat on you.? bro he’d be glad u picked him 😭 AND THEN THE PERIOD THING?? he was raised by a SINGLE MOM do you REALLY think shes gonna raise him and let him think that way about a natural body function. im speaking entirely from the single mom experience and the answer is NO!!!! also how is loving your mother a red flag. being the youngest child is also a red flag, i guess. and having issues with his dad. (/s) also, second verse same as the first: IF HES DATING YOU HE THINKS YOU’RE A 10 WHAT IS SO HARD TO FUCKING GET ABOUT THISHXWHBVWBWBXvqvsbs?1?2!2’wndjwke

uhhh soldier wasnt. here for some reason. so nothing to say about him.

anyway leave ur opinions below. i rly dont wanna get into any tumblr drama or internet drama at all bc it scares me dearly and im always self conscious about leaving a bad digital footprint especially over something as petty as tf2 drama but i cannot stand for this slander I CANNOT‼️‼️‼️‼️ sorry if u also think im mischaracterizing anyone here i only put hours of studying into my fav mercs and thats. abt it,, listen im silly okay

[graegrape]

ranking every single tf2 ship name. you know how it is. full ranking under cut

DISCLAIMER: i don't actually like some of these pairings too much because of personal comforts, but still ranked 'em based on name. also i left out the gross icky stuff like sp*scout for obvious reasons

35. heavyneer (heavy/engie) - did we even try. 0/10

34. fruit scones (medic/soldier) - is there something i'm missing here. what do either of them have to do with fruit scones. what 0/10

33. haggis sandvich (demo/heavy) - So Long and has no pop factor at all. where is the excitement. the cute wordplay. this is just slapping two things that relate to each other vaguely together. 0/10

32. vegemite sandvich (sniper/heavy) - even longer than demoheavy but this is a down under (the song) reference so. i guess. 1/10 points for consistency

31. gentle surgery (spy/medic) - i get where both parts are from but this is just random words mashed together. what the hell is a gentle surgery and where do i get one 1/10

30. spyper / hide and seek / bloody suit (sniper/spy) - does anyone actually use anything other than sniperspy in this context. just saying i understand because these names barely relate to these two. 1/10 at least hide and seek is there

29. spoovy (spy/heavy) - points for sheer hilarity 1/10

28. heavymedic / red oktoberfest (heavy/medic) - you dont know how much it pains me to put this so low. i just dont see it im so sorry 2/10

27. bear grill (pyro/heavy) - why. points for the mental image tho 2/10

26. swordvan / piss drunk (demo/sniper) - ok. ok. i know i complained about demoheavy earlier for smashing random words against each other but whoever came up with PISSDRUNK is fucking hilarious so i have to put it higher 2/10

25. battling helmet (scout/soldier) - i get the helmet part. but what about scout screams battle to you. he is not that much of a warrior 2/10

24. american aviators (sniper/soldier) - dont get this one entirely but at least it has a nice ring to it :-) 3/10

23. trucks n' vans (sniper/engie) - sniper my boy we have got to get you some better ship names... i guess it's sort of clever but it will never be what it clearly wants to be (boots n bombs) 3/10

22. texas two step (engie/scout) - 3/10 (not commenting on this for personal reasons)

21. speeding bullet (sniper/scout) - i guess man. kind of lame but checks out 4/10

20. cold war (heavy/soldier) - kinda lame as well but on all technical levels its perfectly servicable 4/10 i can only imagine what results this will yield on google images. "tf2 cold war" heavy and soldier fought in the yaoi war.

19. heavy hitters (heavy/scout) - ok. 4/10

18. 4th of july (soldier/pyro) - a little funny 5/10

17. molotov (pyro/demo) - i see it. perfectly fine... just missing that zing factor 5/10

16. napoleon complex / practical espionage (spy/engie) - this one would rank lower if it were just called practical engineering but because its not... well... its higher :-). napoleon complex is hilarious as a ship name 5/10

15. science party (medic/engie) - i myself am a science party enjoyer but we all have to admit it's a bit lazy to just call your ship (subject they both engage in) (party). come on now... i think its still pretty cute tho 5/10

14. helmet party (soldier/engie) - where science party goes helmet party follows. i enjoy this one just a tad more because at least i get a silly mental image with this 5/10

13. jaegerbombs (demo/medic) - kind of owns but has too little to do with medic imo. the part w/ bombs and the fact that it's an alcoholic beverage rules 6/10

12. french toast (spy/pyro) - clever. i like it. subtracting points for just using spy's nationality tho 6/10

11. texas toast (engie/pyro) - slightly above the previous because it has the same first letter and a nicer ring to it 7/10

8. bush medicine (medic/sniper) - best sniper ship name 100%. so good. bush medicine. medicine out in the wild. bush because of bushman. who came up with this i need to kiss them 7/10

10. hot shots / campfire (pyro/sniper) - first ship with multiple names to have both of them be fairly good. hot shots sounds kickass and campfire is cozy. :-). good! 7/10

9. burn ward (pyro/medic) - not too big on pyro ships in general but i wont lie. this rules. also im fairly sure this is the name of a pyro achievement in tf2 7/10

7. bomb voyage (spy/demo) - first off. incredibles reference. immediately pushes it way up and also the wordplay is so fun and silly fuckin bomb voyage. yes. you get it. reblog 8/10

6. flash fire (scout/pyro) - this one kind of rules. very nice ring to it AND it's a pun? awesome as hell 8/10

5. quick fix (medic/scout) - not my thing but this name is so good. quick fix... 9/10

4. boots n bombs (soldier/demo) - how can i not like this one!!! it doesn't have a clever pun name but it's so cute and charming. boots and bombs that's their thing! and it's so satisfying to say. giggling and kicking my feet. 9/10

3. short fuse (demo/engie) - i know i'm like biased and stuff but let's be honest here this one is just a banger. short because engie height moment. fuse because demo. shortfuse. it just works. owns 10/10

2. freedom fries (spy/soldier) - naming ships after food is always a hit or miss situation and im SO glad this one works as well as it does. youve got the wordplay. the two related things. the two same first letters. fucking rules 10/10

1. hop scotch (demo/scout) - i'll be honest this pairing itself is not my cup of tea at all but i mean this entirely genuinely this name is genius. hop is scout. scotch is demo. hop scotch as in The Game?! it's so good. why can't every name be this good man... 10/10

annnd that's it. additionally, feel free to suggest some other names for the ships that in your opinion have shitty names <\3 especially heavyneer come ON you guys. thanks for reading + have a nice day/night :-)

(additionally please don't comment on any ones i didn't really comment on that much. personal stuff <3 thank uu)

[my-misplaced-stew]

hi again this is a rather specific request that only works if youve read all the comics but i was wondering if you could write (with the same 15 y/o male reader from my last ask) with the same dynamics with scout n spy but this time taking place during the comics? (if youve read them all ofc) and how reader had to move when the team disbanded but eventually came looking for them w/ the classic mercs bc they found that they were looking for the tf2 mercs? (1/3)

Where were you during the comics? [Spoilers obviously] Part 1

Massive brain, absolutely massive my guy. This idea is so good it's just *chefs kiss* fyi I've only read the main comics [the ones that haven't been updated in years] but it's been a while so please tell me if I get something wrong

TW: Ask to tag

Living with all the mercenaries was definitely chaotic and could be dangerous at times, but it was home. You wished it stayed like that.

When Gray Mann sent the robots to attack, everyone on base was very very focused on staying alive, protecting the base and all their information, and you. Heavy had become very very protective of you, you're family now and he doesn't want to lose you. Spy couldn't take any risks with you so he insisted on everyone teaching you at least one thing to help protect yourself if worst came to worst.

But the day came when Gray Mann took over the company after Saxton Hale lost to Olivia Mann. The team had to disband and go their separate ways, that ment you had to go live in Tuefort with a temporary foster family for a few months until you could be sent to a bigger city. It sucked. You had no clue where your family went or if they were even ok. Sure the foster family you lived with were ok, but they weren't your family. The father often read the paper, so when you saw the headline "Merc Scum To Hang" with two accompanying photos of Spy and Scout. You were horrified at the thought of them being hanged.

You couldn't just sit there and wait for them to die, so you decided to sneak out to be there for them [and maybe save them but you're just a 15 year old boy you probably couldn't do much before you were stopped]. The day of the hanging you snuck out of the house to the town square. The shock you felt when you seen not only Spy and Scout, but also Demoman and Soldier. You ran to the front of the crowd to get a better view just to see the floor beneath Scout drop. You ran forward to do something, anything! By then everyone knew you were there, including the mercenaries on the deck. You tried to lift him up by his legs to help him breathe, which thankfully worked. Miss Pauling came forward to explain the mayor had no right to hang anyone and surprisingly he went with it. Scout, Spy, Soldier and Demoman were let go scott free. You were surprised with how quick the townspeople were to just forgive and forget everything they did. "The water is contaminated with lead. I should have told you that sooner, but you haven't been drinking tap water have you?" The majority of the group said no but unsurprisingly Soldier had no idea the water was full of lead.

Miss Pauling didn't want you to join them, it was much to dangerous for you. But you being you [and a lot of convincing], she allowed you to join them.

[antagonistchanremade]

my main playstyle for each class:

scout: stock scattergun, pretty boy’s pocket pistol, atomizer. i’m pretty good at dodging and capping the objective, but i can’t aim for shit and i have a bad habit of overextending. was my main for a crazy long time and i still have far more hours on it than any other class, but as my skill has increased with the other classes the same can’t really be said for scout, so he’s falling behind a little.

soldier 1: rocket jumper, mantreads, market gardener. i try and fail to trolldier.

soldier 2: air strike, stock launcher, or direct hit; buff banner, battalion’s backup, or stock shotgun; disciplinary action. with the air strike, i try and fail to rain death down on the world; with the stock launcher, i do a pretty decent job with splash damage; with the direct hit, i do a pretty decent job with direct hits. i try to use the banner/backup regularly, but if i’m using the shotgun i only take it out against pyros. and i use the disciplinary action fairly effectively as a mobility tool.

pyro: stock flamethrower, flare gun, axtinguisher, though i may easily switch out one or more of them for something else depending on my mood, especially the secondary and melee. i’d honestly be best off just w+m1′ing, but the longstanding stigma against w+m1′ing combined with my self-consciousness means that i try to do a bit more comboing with the flare gun and axtinguisher. it doesn’t generally work out well for me. if i’m using the Detonator i’m mostly gonna use it for Detonator jumps rather than for actual flare stinging.

demo: iron bomber, stock sticky launcher, stock bottle. it’s a pity that demo is one of my more well-played classes these days because my inventory for demo- both in terms of cosmetics and in the actual usable stuff. i only just got the Iron Bomber (and i specifically picked it out myself, since i got it by using a war paint), and i also plan on getting the Claidheamh Mòr the same way. why these? the Iron Bomber’s supposedly easier to aim than stock once you get the hang of it (and while i haven’t gotten the hang of it yet, i can already see what people mean when they say that), and the Claidheamh Mòr is the best sword for demos who don’t really want swords, since it has no downsides when sheathed. i want a sword, but not really, i don’t wanna deal with the downsides of all the other swords, so. Claidheamh Mòr. and then the Scottish Resistance is probably the best sticky launcher, but it’s a bit of a hassle, especially for sticky jumping which i really like doing, and stock is definitely second best, and i don’t really want a shield. but while i like the sticky launcher, i kinda avoid using it for similar reasons why i tend to avoid w+m1′ing- the stigma. since i barely use it, i’m considering switching to a shield. probably the Targe since it has the most resistances and would thus keep me alive the best.

heavy: stock minigun, second banana, and either the GRU or the warrior’s spirit. stock minigun and the tomislav are generally considered the only *really* viable miniguns and i don’t have the tomislav; the second banana and sandvich are the best lunchboxes and while i have three sandviches it’s been the meta for forever and the second banana was only added at the end of 2017 so it’s more novel. the GRU is basically the meta melee for Heavy for very good reason. and finally, the Warrior’s Spirit has a reputation for being really terrible, but i noticed after watching a video about potential rebalancing that it really doesn’t sound all that bad on paper? so i try using it myself to see just how bad it really is. i mostly just... play heavy? there’s really not much variation in heavy gameplay, sadly. the heavy update better bring some new weapons that do Gunslinger-level recontextualizations to the entire class.

engie: hoo boy, i change loadouts multiple times a match if i’m on my a-game. i generally use either the widowmaker or the frontier justice; the stock pistol or the short circuit; and a mix of the eureka effect, jag, stock wrench, and gunslinger. primarily the gunslinger, though, because i’m a battle engie all the way. i set up my teleporters and dispenser in places where i think they’d be the most useful but also most safe (since i don’t wanna babysit them too much), then i just go ham with my mini-sentry and my shotgun. when i was first learning what tf2 was back in like 2009, i thought engie was the most interesting class, and was certain i’d main him once i actually got to play. and when i did actually start playing at the beginning of 2012... Scout ended up being my main because i got used to his speed and couldn’t look back. but now that i’m starting to graduate from scout, i’m finding myself playing engie more and more. especially battle engie, since it lets me strike a balance between being a support class and a fighter class. i do still wanna improve with scout, though, especially since he’s got so much of my good shit

medic: blutsauger, quick-fix, and solemn vow. blutsauger because it’s the best weapon medic has, quick-fix because it’s the best at just straight-up healing, and solemn vow because... it’s funny. the Meta(TM) for Medic is crossbow-stock medigun-ubersaw, but i avoid the Medic Meta out of principle because it’s just so stacked. the ubersaw and crossbow are just too good and overused, it’s tiring. also, the Blutsauger/Quick-Fix combo is known sometimes as the “i don’t trust my team” loadout, and i definitely don’t trust a pub team very far, and pubs are mostly how i play so far. also sometimes i like going battle medic, and the quick-fix is good for taking a short break from battle medicking to heal someone, and the blutsauger and solemn vow are good for fighting.

sniper: stock rifle or classic, cozy camper or jarate, any melee really. the stock rifle is tried and true; the classic is gimmicky and weird but fun; the cozy camper provides a fairly basic buff you don’t really need to think about; the jarate is, well, the jarate; and none of sniper’s melees are really good. i don’t really like picking off heads from all the way in the back, so i prefer to be at medium-range on the battlefield. not too close, not too far. it’s more fun that way and i tend to perform better. SOMETIMES i’ll use the huntsman and just shoot peeps with arrows.

spy: diamondback or ambassador, stock knife, stock watch, stock sapper. the spy’s stock loadout is tried and true, so the only one i replace is the revolver; the diamondback is borderline op because it rewards you for just playing the class effectively, and the ambassador can be good for training your aim. i like to put on a disguise, sneak my way around the enemy team with a cloak, then do my mayhem. which is, i guess, the entire point of spy. but you know.

also, to clarify, when i talk about using a stock item, i probably actually mean a reskin. i have the C.A.P.P.E.R. instead of the stock pistol. i have a botkiller flamethrower and sticky launcher. i have the Ap-Sap instead of the stock sapper. the two major exceptions are the stock watch and stock knife, which i have no reskins of (yet).

[botseeksbot]

sorry 4 a lot lol but spy/heavy/sniper/soldier

im just gonna answer all of them here bc bruce repeated the same characters other people sent me but ty everyone who sent one ily

also read more bc i fucking cant shut up

spy 

favorite thing about them

ghfkldjshkj i have a soft spot for trying dads :pensive: also he’s so fucking funny and i love how he talks ?? he’s such a fucking asshole but also he’s like sweet when he needs to be [like to Miss Pauling in the comics and when Scout was dying. also just the whole thing he says to Scout when he thinks hes dying makes me so fucking emo i fucking love one dad]

least favorite thing about them

ok real i like never get angrier playing in game than when im constantly being backstabbed by spies / my shit it getting sapped [but playing engie makes me so aggressive to begin w gfdghlksdhg] . about his actual character though ? uh . IDK REALLY LKJGHLKSJG 

favorite line

god he’s so fucking funny sometimes but really the whole speech he gives to scout in the comics when scout’s dying . also whatever he tells that baby in the smissmas comic is good . thats a dad !

brOTP

i was gonna try to pick out my fave buddies for him but i was really just listing all of the rest of the mercs glkhfdsjk but if i must limit myself Miss Pauling and Scout [his lesbian daughter and gay son]

OTP

SNIPERSPY ! close second is . literally like everyone else except pyro [and obvs anything deplorable]

nOTP

ok ignoring anything deplorable [including Pyro] . uhhh nothing rly . Spy ships are good

random headcanon

his first name is Léon ! and he’s in stealth abt being trans except to Sniper [obvs], Scout, Medic [Medic knows bc hes . the medic], and Heavy . also he learns tht he actually likes doing “dad” stuff with Scout [and Miss Pauling] through doing stupid shit with both of them . he also enjoys singing [and gets drunk during the holidays to sing holiday songs + play the piano] . also he’s half Japanese + wears colored contacts [bc i’ll die the day i give any of the mercs natural blue eyes]

unpopular opinion

UH idk many opinions about Spy bc i try to avoid most fandom spaces [despite running a discord server kjglhl] but i think . most of the time he’s overhyped [along with the other skinny white characters frm tf2] and theres a lot more interesting characters 

song i associate with them

fuck idk man Love by Of Monsters and Men or Killer Queen by Queen

favorite picture of them

im not looking for anything new ths is just what i have saved .

heavy

favorite thing about them

sweet giant russian man . also a bear [thank god] . also i love his family ?? and he’s just a cool dude ?? what’s not to love GOD I LOVE HEAVY

least favorite thing about them

not enough fan content for him :[

favorite line

he doesnt talk much but tht one line where he’s like “in russia, if hand is sick, you cut of hand, etc” tht ones so funny lkfdshlkjh i love heavy 

brOTP

again literally everyone all the mercs are best friends =__=

OTP

BABEY YOU ALREADY KNOW ITS HEAVYMEDIC

nOTP

again nothing weird [Scout or Pyro and obviously Miss Pauling]

random headcanon

autistic legend . he’s really bad at reading the room / people’s feelings and he feels bad about it sometimes . really bad at displaying emotions too . also in stealth about being trans [only out to Medic and Spy] . he smokes with Spy when he’s stressed and doesn’t drink that often . also one of the neater mercs [he was the oldest sibling !!] and had one of the cleanest rooms on base .

unpopular opinion

heavy is NOT just Medic’s bear boyfriend PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD give him more solo content @ the fandom . also he’s trans and theres like no art of it even tho he’s like . trans man legend.

song i associate with them

lemon boy - cavetown  .  shrug .

favorite picture of them

idk HOW i dont have ANY pics saved of Heavy besides pride icons but here you go 

sniper

favorite thing about them

stinky australian man . he has such creepy voice lines lgkjlkj . what is not to love  ? also sexy . 

least favorite thing about them

stinky . and creepy voice lines gkldhlkjds NO i love sniper sm again what is there not to love

favorite line

god his voice lines are so fucking good . all of them .

brOTP

SNIPER SCOUT BABY ! but really him w the rest of the mercs is good

OTP

SNIPERSPY . but again everyone else is good too . DemoSniper ?? very good .

nOTP

SPEEDINGBULLET . ITS SO FUCKING POPULAR TOO I WANNA DIE

random headcanon

he likes walking around a lot !! cant sit still very well . always smells like the outdoors [though not always in the best way .] can sleep almost anywhere . also not really good at picking up social cues but can wing it . cant socialize for very long periods of time without getting tired . really affectionate to people who know him . can catch any animal with his bare hands . sunglasses make it harder to see [esp in the base] but he wont admit it . really self reliant . has a lot of weird talents he just picked up while he was growing up . also he’s maori bc fuck canon .

unpopular opinion

THAT MAN IS NOT 30 YEARS OLD AND ALSO SPEEDINGBULLET IS SHIT . also like i said abt spy overhyped bc he’s white twink .

song i associate with them

UH vagabonds - misterwives or the wanderer - dion dimucci or rose colored boy - paramore 

favorite picture of them

idk if i have it saved but theres that one sexy panel frm the comic

i just have ths edit but u get it . sexy .

soldier

favorite thing about them

STUPID RACCOON MAN !!!! he’s so fucking funny and i love him so much he’s so sweet .

least favorite thing about them

UH not popular enough and some of his voice lines are dumb

favorite line

literally everything Soldier says is comedy gold esp the comics w Merasmus  

brOTP

again literally anyone

OTP

DEMOSOLDIER !! and also his 2nd boyfriend is Merasmus . soldier has two hands

nOTP

soldier/engie makes me wanna die 

random headcanon

he’s really as dumb as rocks but has a heart of gold . he’s smart in where it counts [THE HEART] . he likes helping people even if he fucks up . he collects different things but eventually gets bored of it and moves onto something else . kinda shy about his appearance ?? hence the helmet . one of the more outspoken mercs, he’s not afraid to speak up if someone needs him to . doesnt understand any of Medic/Engie/Demo’s inventions/work but he admires them for it anyway . a beacon of joy for the base . they all love soldier even if he gets violent accidentally 

unpopular opinion

HELMETPARTY IS NOT GOOD . idk much else about what the fanbase thinks of him

song i associate with them

god im running out of songs frm character playlists i made months ago tht arent tf2 related at all but We All Die Young - The Decemberists or Buzzcut Season - Lorde

favorite picture of them

HE HAS SUCH A GOOD SMILE

pyro - bruce sent me another ask w pyro on it but im lazy so im doing it here

favorite thing about them

LITTLE ARSON BABY !!!! I LOVE PYRO SO MUCH

least favorite thing about them

??????????? idk people hate pyro a lot for gameplay reasons but i could never be angry :]

favorite line

all of pyro’s lines are good esp the ones where it has multiple interpretations 

brOTP

ENGIE !! THATS HIS DAD !! also Scout . and really the rest of the mercs

OTP

none . 

nOTP

really anything except ig Scout . engiepyro ? exceptionally bad imo

random headcanon

the youngest of the mercs !! self conscious about his appearance . looks up to Spy bc MASK BUDDIES . gnc nb trans man [he/they pronouns] . sees engie as a dad figure and uses the muffledness of his speech to call him “dad” sometimes >:] !!  really affectionate . doesnt have many talents besides setting things on fire but willing to learn any . hates talking about his past . has the worst sleep schedule out of the mercs [medic being a close 2nd] . speaking of medic, medic is the only one who knows what he looks like [secret buddies !!] . also calls spy “dad” sometimes .

unpopular opinion

im so fucking sorry i dont know how to play pyro besides wm1 but also i really dont give a shit if other people do it . let people play however they want . 

song i associate with them

little pistol - mother mother / machine - misterwives / lost boy - ruth b 

favorite picture of them

[mercenarypark]

in my the honest onion:

[brief mentions/implications of #incest, #rape, #cheating, and #antiblackness for the shit tier section]

shit tier tf2 ships:

-cheavy/medic [you know why the fuck this is]

-pauling/any man [shes a canon lesbian, harold]

-pauling/administrator[HUUUUGE age gap and power imbalance]

-scout/spy [You Know Why. The Fuck. This Is.]

-scout/any of the mercs aside from sniper [implied or canonical age gap w/ all of the other mercs. only possible exception is pyro depending on someone’s headcanons]

-sniper/any of the mercs aside from scout[he’s only three years older than scout]

-sniper/spy [singled out for being unbelievably common, a god awful hateship, and almost always crossfaction- while demo/soldier, the Origin of the crossfaction starcrossed lovers, barely gets any love]

-sniper/demo [singled out for just being annoying as hell and for the fact that sniper drugged demo on two occasions within a few minutes of each other, once for literally no reason except that he wanted to, and then wanted to bury him alive] [leave demo the fuck alone]

-sniper/medic [singled out because i personally hate this ship specifically. also you would not BELIEVE the amount of shitty art ive had to sift through where sniper and medic are dating behind heavy’s back. not to mention the ones where medic isn’t doing so consensually. if you get what i mean. anyway i fucking hate this ship!]

-engie/spy [literally there is no way to ship it without them both despising each other why do yall love ur hateships and abuse so much]

-demo/”medic’s wife” [gabby has a whole post on why this entire concept is rooted in antiblackness:

http://thefrenchiestfrytisi.tumblr.com/post/161643992161/team-fortress-2-medics-wife-fanon-is-terrible

 [a post which many people didnt read and instead turned it into a discussion on whether or not ppl can erase pauling’s sexuality]]

average tier tf2 ships:

-sniper/scout [like, i personally dislike it because scout’s too good for piss man but i tolerate it just fine]

-engie/soldier [bordering on negative, because it was so oddly popular]

-pyro/scout [IF someone hcs pyro as being around scout’s age. if pyro is as old as most of the mercs then it goes to shit tier]

-soldier/medic [i dont see it personally but i dont mind it

-pyro/medic [as a ship ALONE its fine, but bcause in my hcs pyro and medic are kind of like family, its obviously shit tier to me. but as a concept theres nothing wrong with it]

-soldier/spy [there is one[1] video that made me feel a lot of affection for this ship, but otherwise its not a big one for me, i dont mind it though and some stuff is cute]

good tier tf2 ships:

-spy/medic [a personal fave- it really, REALLY depends on the context though. like is someone portraying it as a hateship or are they on equal standing with each other and if they do insult each other they both know the other’s limits and genuinely care about each other? if not this is shit tier]

-pauling/zhanna [IF they clear up their misunderstandings about soldier- but if they have the antagonistic relationship they have in canon then its shit tier]

GOD TIER TF2 SHIPS:

-heavy/medic -demo/soldier -any combination of heavy, demo, and engie -medic/engie -pauling/bronislava -pauling/yana -spy/scout’s mom [IF he redeems himself and stops being a fucking dick and apologizes for what he did to her and IF she decides to accept that apology.] -soldier/zhanna -pyro/demo —–any ships not listed, i either didnt think about, or i dont really have an opinion on them so theyre probably average or good. also obviously my word is god now and you have to conform to everything i say [thats a joke. yall can have ur own preferences. i stand by the fact that pretty much everything in shit tier is irredeemable garbage though!!!!! :D]

[mercenarypark]

tf2 mercs and pets

ive been writing on this since yesterday and now im sick of it so heres a lot of words i made to distract myself from my father #animal abuse #abuse #physical abuse #antisemitism #insects #spiders #dogs #cats #birds #snakes #long post #text heavy

-medic, obviously, has a LOT of experience with birds. his mother had a cockatoo that he was basically raised with, and throughout his childhood he would always try to befriend the wild birds around their home [on the occasion he was allowed outside, that is]. in college/med school, he kept up that same trend, earning a less than stellar reputation as "that weird fucker who tries to climb trees around campus to get a better look at the birds’ nests", alongside his other reputations, "the weird gay jew who doesnt understand personal space" and "probably the cause of at least three "disappearances" throughout the semester since they were last seen harassing him"

-BLU engie gets ein[the canary] after a family member dies, they werent particularly close but the guy didnt have a will or any friends willing to take the bird, and engie was basically the closest living relative available [note: only BLU engie has the canary, not RED engie, and he recieves it a few years after joining the mercs]

-pyro kept the dalmation puppy they take in the comics, and he's a big comfort for them, they'll sometimes spend hours just playing with him or hugging him to calm themselves down from a panic attack; funny thing is, no one's entirely sure what pyro NAMED him, not even the people who can usually understand pyro's mumbles[engie, medic, solly, demo]. all 4 of them seem to hear completely different things so theyve just kind of accepted as a group that the dog has four different names that are all equally valid

-pyro also loves a lot of bugs, BLU py had a pet praying mantis for a while until the administrator made everyone move bases again, this time to a much colder climate- they were worried the mantis wouldn't survive the lower temperatures and released it before they left; theyve also kept tarantulas, ants, and stag beetles before -engie is also really into ant keeping and he and pyro bond over that, engie builds big elaborate setups for their ant colonies

-medic talks to birds, a lot, and seems to hold full conversations with them a lot of the time. not just his pigeon flock, either, but any bird- from sparrows to falcons to parakeets

-demo volunteers at the "kitten orphanage" shown in end of the line- hed work at the regular human orphanage too, but... he has too many bad memories of his own time as an "orphan". the kittens all love him, engie will sometimes come by to find demo sprawled on the floor on his back, three kittens on his chest, one asleep on his neck, one kneading its paws on his cheek, one chewing on his shoe...

-medic doesnt understand dogs. hes not scared of them, not really, he just. doesnt understand how they work. he cant read their body language at ALL and he was rarely around them as a child. he's ok with cats, though he still cant understand their body language that well, and sometimes irritates the shyer or more aggressive ones by being too affectionate- he only blames himself for getting scratched/bit though

-spy says he never had pets growing up, which is probably a lie- he just doesnt want to give anyone any information about his childhood and family life. he's mentioned once or twice that he wouldnt mind getting a pet snake, though, which engie thought was fucking hilarious and fitting

-scout actually didnt have pets growing up- her family spent a lot of time trying to make ends meet, and a tiny, shitty apartment w/ her, her ma, and her 7 siblings wasnt exactly an optimal environment for a pet. she always liked cats, though, and mice, and after she joins the mercs she grows to really love birds, too, because theyre Everywhere at the bases

-[RED] demo got his parrot, joyce, from BLU soldier[only RED demo has the birdman of aberdeen in my hcs]. solly found it in a bush somewhere as a chick, and brought it to demo. demo has no fucking clue how the hell jane managed to find a baby parrot out in the badlands, but he winds up taking her in, getting a lot of help from medic to get adjusted [medic is absolutely delighted and fawns over joyce the whole fucking time he loves her so much]

-demo's really worried for the longest time that he wont be able to take care of joyce properly ["i can barely keep myself together, how'm i supposed to keep you alive?"]  but he grows to really love her and she becomes an emotional support animal for him, on some of his worst days he keeps himself from drinking himself into a blackout by keeping her busy and happy

-she becomes even more important to him after the WAR update events, as a living reminder of his old relationship with jane; it hurts him sometimes to look at her and remember the grin on jane's face when she first handed him that parrot chick, but he loves joyce anyway and nothing's gonna change that

-demo also used to own lizards, he's partial to bearded dragons

-both RED and BLU solly are licensed falconers and wildlife rehabilitators. no one's entirely sure how. but its the reason shes allowed to have her Horde of Raccoons and also her fucking bald eagle [note: BLU solly is the one with the Compatriot, RED solly is the one with LT bites and the other raccoons]

-engie grew up with farm animals, because of course. he's good with horses, pigs, cattle, and sheep, and working dogs. one of the times the mercs had their bases relocated, they wound up in texas so RED engie took everyone out to his family's old farm [he pays to have it taken care of while his dad's... gone and he's w/ the mercs]

-spy flips the fuck out when he realizes just how fucking huge hogs are. then someone[scout] absolutely knocks spy into the mud with the pigs and he gets trampled and everyone laughs. also spy is mildly terrified of horses. spy does not have a good time at dell's farm

-speaking of terrified of horses, demo,

well really he's not terrified, hes just distrustful. it takes a long time for tavish to warm up to engie's horses, with a lot of reassuring from dell that hes not doing something wrong

-medic's pigeons are extremely affectionate and loyal to him, first and foremost. at least one or two accompany him at pretty much all times, except for when they're locked into their aviary at night. they also love heavy, scout, and pyro, and like/tolerate everyone else

-heavy loves birds. his family has a lot of chickens, and hes very partial to them; he also has a parakeet, who his sisters take care of while he's with the mercs. RED heavy is the one that finds the red army robin; he sees an injured little bird in the snow and he brings it to medic

-jane “soldier” doe cannot take care of cats or dogs or other normal pets for the life of her but if you hand her an injured wild porcupine and say "hey, how do i take care of this" she'll know exactly what to do; sometimes both soldiers will just come out onto the battlefield bottlefeeding a squirrel or something, and somehow artfully dodge enemy fire while shooting rockets AND feeding a baby animal. how's that for multitasking

-scout's ma, peg, has a cockatiel that she gets after all her children have left the nest, so to speak. scout teaches it to whistle happy birthday and demonstrates that on peg's birthday and its sweet

-heavy has a very specific [canonical, at least w/ "pokernight at the inventory"] childhood memory of watching a boy kill a sparrow, w/ the implication that the memory haunts him a little bit; seeing the injured robin brought that memory to the surface, and it freaked him out more than he'd like to admit. he was kind of panicking when he asked for medic's help, but trying desperately not to show it

-spy hates dogs. he hates horses. he hates insects. he tolerates cats. but most damning of all, he hates birds. thats a big problem with at least half of the base loving or at least liking birds, and with all the pigeons/doves everywhere

-it takes YEARS before spy stops insulting or scolding medic's pigeons every time he gets the chance, and the main reason he stops is because medic absolutely was NOT having it... still though, spy has his limits. he never hurt any of medic's birds, or anyone else's pets, because he may be a mercenary but he does have some standards. mostly

-this is notable, because, hahahhhhhhh. im gonna eventually make a much longer post about this, but medic has a fair amount of Trauma[tm] from dealing with classic heavy's abusive bullshit; the thing is though, cheavy realized quickly that medic could handle being yelled at or physically punished for his mistakes or his worse quirks... but he had a very vulnerable flock of pigeons with him, that he regarded as family and who meant the world to him

-the scene in the comics where cheavy grabs archimedes tight and throws him to the ground was not an isolated incident, is what im saying. though it /was/ one of the more violent ones, since after a few threats and a few times of cheavy proving he absolutely would follow through on his threats, medic got the hint

-through his time working w/ the classics, medic becomes more secluded and on edge, and more prone to breakdowns and fits; and even more protective of his flock, urging them multiple times to fly away and leave him, to find heavy or scout or SOMEONE and stay with them, that he would come back for them when he could[but they always refused to leave him]... the baboon infant incident was a long time coming and he only held off on detonating it as long as he did through sheer willpower and a healthy fear of retribution

-ANYWAY. projecting aside.

-scout /would/ get a cat from the kitten orphanage but shes worried it would try to kill or eat some of medic's doves, since they basically free roam the base; so instead she goes by with demo sometimes to play with the cats and its Good

-ms pauling is a big dog person, and i mean that both in the "she really loves dogs" way and in the "she loves dogs that are Massive" way; she grew up with newfoundlands and bully breeds and shes still got a big soft spot for them; she has two shelter dogs, one's an 11 y/o pit+rottie, the other is a 7 y/o mutt that has some st bernard in it and who's blind in one eye; she spoils them rotten

-engie is really into fishkeeping and after all this merc business is over, he wants to have big fucking tanks installed in his home; hes also surprisingly passionate about the proper treatment of fish, like, he nearly decked spy once for saying betta fish just needed a fishbowl and not a whole aquarium setup

-medic has stolen at least a couple fancy pigeons from pigeon shows, mostly the ones that have been bred to an unhealthy degree to fit show standards, he spends a lot of time trying to give them the best care he can and maybe undo the effects of years of awful breeding 

-i literally dont care about sniper so he gets no headcanons

im tired