#I also felt like in a weird way I wasn’t allowed to be a butch lesbian

[elysiuminfra]

gender thoughts I guess. im definitely comfortable in camp woman at this point. which I guess makes me technically a “detransitioner” (even though I have plans on going back on HRT for cosmetic reasons. trying to get hairier) but the way I look back on my time as a man is that I fully was living as a man. bc I just was one. i have no discomfort about it and it taught me a lot about myself. but im definitely not “cis” bc my gender is just nebulous and unlabeled. im just a butch on hormones. but I think a lot of that was running from womanhood in a weird way. now i have my own definition that im comfortable with, which is completely unaligned with heteropatriarchy’s definition. does this make sense. i unlocked woman the sequel (butch dlc)

[asleepinawell]

Book Recs

I was gonna do one of these at the end of the year, but I’ve somehow managed to read 26 books this year already (12 novellas, 14 novels), almost all featuring queer authors and/or characters so this is already a long list.

Note: There’s a few on here I was kind of meh about, but in most of those cases it was a ‘book might be good but it’s not for me so i’ll mention it to put it on people’s radar anyway’ type of thing. Insert the usual necessary tumblr disclaimer about all of this being only my opinion and your opinions are valid too etc etc.

In order of when I read them:

Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower by Tamsyn Muir - Fantasy novella from the author of gideon the ninth that’s a twist on the classic princess trapped in a tower waiting for a prince story. Quite fun. (novella)

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht - Dark fantasy about revenge and magic. m/m couple but like I said it’s pretty dark and twisted all around so definitely not a happy queer romantic story. My opinion was interesting premise that could have been executed better and probably should have been a full novel to embellish on the world building potential. (novella)

A Memory Called Empire & A Desolation Called Peace - Arkady Martine - Probably tied with murderbot as the best things I read this year. Scifi, f/f couple, wonderfully done exploration of what it means to fall in love with a culture that is destroying your own. More of the many queer anti-imperialist books that have come out recently and certainly some of the best. The second one is a direct continuation of the first. (2 novels)

The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson - This is the third in the Baru Cormorant series (The Masquerade) and was my favorite so far. The second and third book were originally one book that got split I believe and the second book didn’t stand alone as well (though was still great), but the third book really made up for that. Dark fantasy world starring a queer woc whose country and culture is destroyed by the imperial forces of that world colonizing and assimilating them. She vows revenge and decides to work her way up within her enemy’s ranks to enact it from within and bring an empire to ruins. Really really fascinating study of so many different aspects of our own world and the systems which enable and allow bigotry and how bigoted and violent narratives are used to control minorities. This is definitely a darker series and I was particularly impressed with some of the commentary on the racism prevalent in non-intersectional feminism as depicted through a fantasy world. Can’t wait for the last one to come out! (3 novels, 1 forthcoming)

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells - There’s six of them--5 novella and a novel--and the first is All Systems Red. Told from the point of view of a self-aware droid/android that is rented out by a corporation to provide protection in a dystopian capitalist hellhole future that isn’t that unlike our current capitalist dystopia but is in space. Muderbot hacked the chip that controlled it and instead of going rogue just wants to be left alone to watch its favorite tv shows. Murderbot is painfully relatable and the books are both funny and poignant. Highly recommended. (5 novellas and a novel).

Winter’s Orbit - Everina Maxwell - This was a m/m romance novel with a scifi backdrop of royal intrigue. Generally I’m more into scifi with a queer relationship in the background than vice versa, so it wasn’t my favorite, BUT I think it was still well written and someone looking for more of the romance angle would enjoy it. Has all your favorite romance tropes in it, especially the yearning. (novel)

The Divine Cities - Robert Jackson Bennett - Three book series. I’m very conflicted about this one. Set in a fantasy world where an enslaved nation overthrew the country enslaving them and now rules over them. It’s a story of what happens after the triumphant victory and within that it’s also a murder mystery tied into the dying magic of the conquered nation. It also has a six foot something naked oily viking man fist fight a cthulhu in a frozen river. The second book was by far my favorite, mostly due to the main character being brilliant. My conflict comes from the fact I don’t feel like the story treated its women and queer characters well. Like it had really great characters but it didn’t do great by them overall. That and the third book didn’t live up to the first two. But still definitely worth a read, can’t stress enough how cool some of the world building was. (3 novels)

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant - This might be the only one on here I disliked. It’s got a doomed boat voyage and creepy underwater terror and monsters and a super diverse cast of characters, but I just didn’t enjoy the writing style. While having a diverse cast is great, there were a lot of moments where it felt like characters were pausing to explain things about themselves that felt like a tumblr post rather than a normal conversation you might have while actively being hunted by monsters. I also bounced off all the characters. But a lot of people seem to have liked it so if you’re into horror and want a book with a f/f main couple then maybe you’ll enjoy it. (novel)

Dead Djinn Universe - P. Djèlí Clark - Around the early 1900′s, a man in Egypt discovers a way to access another world and bring Djinn and mysterious clockwork beings called Angels through. As a result, Egypt tells the British to get fucked and Cairo becomes one of the most powerful cities in the world. So Egypt, magic, djinn, a steampunk-ish vibe, oh and the main character is a butch queer woman who enjoys wearing dapper suits and looking fabulous while she investigates supernatural events. Her girlfriend is also mysterious and badass. And she has a cat. There’s three novella (one of which technically might be considered a short story) and then the first novel. You should absolutely read the novellas first (A Dead Djinn in Cairo, The Angel of Khan el-Khalili, The Haunting of Tram Car 015). Super fun and imaginative series. (3 novellas and a novel, more forthcoming)

River of Teeth & Taste of Marrow - Sarah Gailey - From the book description

“In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true. Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two. This was a terrible plan.”

Queer hippo riders!!!! Very much a western but with hippos. Main couple included a non-binary character. Loved the first one. The second one I was more meh about due to one of the characters I was supposed to like having obnoxious man pain that a woman had to take the brunt of the whole time. Also there were less hippos. But queer hippo riders! Definitely read the first one, and they’re both novellas so no reason not to read the second as well. (2 novellas)

A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers - I may be the only person who hasn’t read the long way to a small angry planet at this point, but I did grab her new novella and I loved it. It made me want to go sit out in the woods and feel peaceful. The world it’s set in feels like a peaceful post-apocalypse...or diverted apocalypse maybe. Humans built robots and robots gained sentience, but instead of rebelling they just up and left and went into the wilderness with a promise that the humans wouldn’t follow them.The remaining human society reshaped itself into something new and peaceful. It’s the story of a monk who leaves their habitual monking duties to go be a tea monk and then later wanders into the wilderness and becomes the first human in ages to meet a robot. Very sad there’s no fan art yet. (novella, more forthcoming)

The March North - Graydon Saunders - This was such a weird book that I’m not sure how to explain it. The prose style is hard to get used to and I suspect a lot of people will bounce off it in the first chapter. There’s no third person pronouns used at all and important events get mentioned once in passing and if you blink you’ll miss them. Set on a world where magic is extremely common to the point that rivers sometimes run with blood or fire and the local weeds are something out of a horror movie and most of the world is run by powerful sorcerer dictators, one country banded together (with the help of a few powerful sorcerers who were tired of all the bullshit) to form a free country where powerful sorcerers wouldn’t rule and the small magics of every day folks could be combined to work together. The story revolves around a Captain of the military force on the border who one day has three very powerful sorcerers sent to them by the main government with the hint that just maybe there’s about to be a big invasion (there is) with the implication of take these guys and go deal with this. The world building is extremely complex and very cool...when you can actually understand what the fuck is going on. There is also a murder sheep named Eustace who breathes fire and eats just about everything and is a Very Good Boy and belongs to the most terrifying sorcerer in the world who appears as a little old grandma with knitting. It had one of the most epic badass and wonderfully grotesque battles I’ve ever read. But yeah, it is not what I would call easy reading. Opinions may vary wildly. I did also read the second one (A Succession of Bad Days) in the series which was easier to follow and had a lot more details about the world, but overall I was more meh about it despite some cool aspects. The chapters and chapters of the extreme details of building a house that made up half the novel just weren’t my thing. (novels).

The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson - In this world parallels universes exist and we’ve discovered how to travel between them, but the catch is you can only go to worlds where the ‘you’ there is already dead. This turns into an uncomfortable look at who would be the people most likely to have died on many worlds and how things like class and race would fit into that and what we would actually use this ability for (if you guessed stealing resources and the stock market you’d be correct). The main character is a queer woc who travels between worlds with the assistance of her handler (another queer woc) who she has the hots for. She accidentally stumbles on a whole lot of mess and conspiracy and gets swept up in that. Really enjoyed it. (novel)

Witchmark - C.L. Polk - Fantasy world reminiscent of Victorian England (I think?) where a young man with magical gifts runs away from his powerful family to avoid being exploited by them. He joins the army and fights in a war and comes home to try and live a quiet life as a doctor, but a murder pulls him into a larger mystery that upturns his life. Also he’s extremely gay and there’s a prevalent m/m romance. This one was a fun-but-not-mind-blowing one for me. (novel, 2 more in the series I haven’t read)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon - This was one of those that everyone loved but I couldn’t get into for some reason. I tried twice and only got about halfway through the second time. It’s got dragons and queer ladies and fantasy world and all the things I like, but I wasn’t that invested in the main story (which included the f/f couple) and was more interested in the smaller story about a woman trying to become a dragon rider. There are few things that beat out a lady and her dragon friend story for me and that was the storyline that felt neglected and took a different turn right when we got to the part I’d been waiting for. But, I know a lot of people whose reading opinions I respect who loved it, and if you like epic fantasy with dragons and queens and treachery and pirates and queer characters then I’d say you should definitely give it a try. (novel)

Bonus: I didn’t read these series this year, but if you haven’t read them yet, you should.

Imperial Radch (Ancillary Justice) - Ann Leckie - Spaceship AI stuck in a human body out for revenge for their former captain, but that summary does not come close to doing it justice. Another one examining imperialism and also gender and race.(3 novels)

Kushiel's Legacy Series - Jacqueline Carey - This is two series, six books total, and starts with Kushiel's Dart. Alternate universe Renaissance-y Europe in a fantastical world where sex isn't shameful and sex workers are respected and prized. Lots of political intrigue and mystery. A lot of BDSM and kinky stuff too (the main character is a sexual masochist, oh and also bi!). I first read this series when I was fifteen or sixteen and it definitely made a big impression on me. Same author also wrote the Santa Olivia series which I’d also recommend. (6 novels)

The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir - I mean, if you follow me, you know. If you don’t follow me you still probably know. I’d have felt remiss to have left them off though. Lesbian Necormancers in Space. Memes! Skeletons! Biceps! Go read them. (2 novels, 2 forthcoming, 1 short story)

Books On My To Read List:

Fireheart Tiger - Aliette de Bodard

The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water - Zen Cho

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

This Is How You Lose the TIme War - Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee

Also, if anyone has any recs for scifi/fantasy books starring queer men (not necessarily having to do with a queer relationship) and written by queer men I’d love them. There’s a lot written by women, and some of them are great, but I’d love to read a story about queer men from their own perspective.

[freddiekluger]

Why Cap Being Internally Closeted Is Not Only Possible, But Valid Representation 

i wrote this to a lot of mitski and onsind, so you can’t blame me for any feelings that bleed through

now i don’t know if it actually exists, but i’ve heard of there being a lot of discourse surrounding the captains story arc regarding his sexuality- i believe the general gist is that having a queer character that remains closeted to themselves is either unrealistic or ‘bad’ representation, and as someone who really treasures the captain and relates to his story so far a lot, i thought i might break this down a bit. 

i’ve divded up every complaint i’ve heard about this into four main questions which i’ll be covering below the ‘keep reading’, because this is gonna be pretty comprehensive. full disclaimer i reference my experiences as an ex-evangelical non binary butch lesbian a couple times, and i spent a year studying repression and the psychological impacts of high demand sexual ethics for my graduating sociology paper, so this is coming with some background to it i swear

the big questions:

can you EVEN be gay and not know it????

but isn't this just ANOTHER coming out arc, and aren't we supposed to be moving beyond those?

but if cap can't have a relationship with a man because he's a ghost, what's the point?

since cap's dead, isn't this technically bury your gays, and isn't that bad? 

1. "but is it really possible to not know? Isn't that bad representation?"

short answer: no and no.

before i get into the validity of the captain's ignorance about his own orientation as 21st century rep, let's break down how the hell the captain can be so clearly attracted to men and still not even consider the possibility that he might be gay, as brought to you by someone who literally experienced this shit.

the captain's particular situation is both a direct result of the lack of information around human sexuality he would have had (aka clear messaging that it's actually possible for him to be attracted to men. i don't mean acceptable or allowed, i mean physically capable of happening- the idea that orientations other than heterosexual exist and are available to him, a man), and a subconscious survival mechanism. the environment in which he lives is outright hostile to gay people, while the military man identity he has constructed for himself doesn't allow for any form of deviation from societal norms, let alone one so base level and major. as a result of this killer combo of information and environment, instincts take over and the mind does it's best to repress the ‘deviant’ feelings until a. one of these two things changes, or b. the act of repression becomes so destructive and/or exhuasting that it becomes impossible to maintain. the key to maintaining a long-term state of repression of desire is diverting that energy elsewhere, and a high-demand group such as the military is the perfect place for the captain to do this (this technqiue is frequented by religions and extremist ideologies worldwide, but that’s not really what we’re here to focus on). 

while the brain is actively repressing ‘deviant’ feelings (aka gay shit), this doesn't mean you don't experience the feelings at all. when performed as a subconscious act of survival, the aim of repression is to minimise/transform the feelings into a state where they can no longer cause immediate danger, and something as big as sexual/romantic orientation is going to keep popping up, but as long as the individual in question never understands what they’re feeling, they’ll be able to continue relatively undisturbed. you know how in heist movies, the leader of the group will only tell each team member part of the plan so they can’t screw things up for everyone else if they get caught? it’s kind of like that.

this is how the captain appears to have operated in life AND in death, and it’s a relatively common experience for lgbtq people who’ve grown up in similar circumstances (aka with a lack of information and in an unfriendly-to-hostile environment), and accounts for how some people can even go on to get married and have children before realising that they’re gay and/or trans. 

personally, while i can now identify what were strong homo crushes all the way back to childhood, at the time i genuinely had no idea. there was the underlying sense that i probably shouldn't tell people how attached i was to these girls because i would seem weird, and that my feelings were stronger than the ones other people used to describe friendships, but like-like them in the way that other girls like-liked boys? no way! actually scratch that, it wasn't even a no way, because i had no idea that i even could. i even had my own havers, at least in terms of the emotional hold and devotion she got from me, except she treated me way less well than cap’s beau. snatches of the existence of lgbt people made it through the cone of silence, i definitely heard the words gay and lesbian, but my levels of informations mirrored those that the captain would have had: virtually none, beyond the idea that these words exist, some people are them, and that's not something that we support or think is okay, so let's just not speak about it. despite only attending religious schools for the first couple years of primary, until i got my own technology and social media accounts to explore lgbtq content on my own- option a out of the two catalysts for change- the possibility of me being gay was not at all on my radar. don’t even get me started on how long it took me to explore butchness and my overall gender, two things which now feel glaringly obvious. 

when shit starts to break down, you can also make the conscious choice to repress which can delay the eventual smashing down of the mental closet door for a time (essentially when the closet door starts to open, you just say ‘no thanks’ and shut it again by pointedly Not Thinking About It). in the abscence of identifying yourself by your attractions, it becomes quite common to identify with a lack- in my case, this meant becoming proud of how sensible and not boy crazy i was, and in the captain’s case, this means becoming proud of how sensible and not sensuous/wild (aka woman crazy) he was, identifying with his LACK of desire for women and partying (which, even in the 40s, involved the expectation of opposite sex romances and hook ups). i’m not saying that’s the only reason he’s a rule follower, but i think the contrast between About Last Night and Perfect Day pretty much support this. (the captain getting on his high horse about general party antics that he inherently felt excluded from because of underlying awareness of his difference & his tendency to project his regimented expectations of himself onto others, vs. joining in the reception party, awareness of how the environment supports difference in the form of clare and sam, and relaxing his own rules by dancing with men- the captain doesn’t mind a party when feels like he has a place there.)

so the captain was operating in a high demand, highly regulated environment (primarily the military, but also early 20th century England itself), with regimented roles, rules, and expectations. working on the assumption that he wouldn't have had out/disclosing lgbt friends, he would have had little to no exposure to lgbt identities, and what information he did receive would have been hushed and negatively geared. while my world started to open up when i started high school was allowed to have my own phone + instagram account, resulting in me realising something wasn't quite 'right' within a few years (making me a relatively early realiser compared to those who don't come out to themselves until adulthood), in life the captain never had that experience. he didn't receive the information he needed, his environment didn't grow less hostile. with the near-exception of havers related heartbreak, his well disciplined and lifelong method of repression never became destructive/exhaustive enough to permanently override the danger signals in his mind and allow him to put his feelings into words. neither of the most common catalysts for change happened for him, so he continued as usual, even after his death.

BUT, and here’s where we come to why this is actually great representation, arrival of mike and Alison represents the opening up of new world. for the first time, the captain is actively made aware of the fact that his environment is no longer hostile, and better than that, it’s affirming. he’s also getting access to positively geared information about lgbtq people and identities, so option a of the two catalysts for change is absolutely present, and resoundingly positive. 

the captain’s arc is also relatively unique as it acknowledges the oppressive nature of his environment, but actually focuses on the internal consequences, and the way that systems like those that the captain lived in succeed because they turn us into our own oppressors. for whatever reason, we repress ourseslves, and often can’t help it, and i find that the significance of the journey to overcome that is often overlooked in more mainstream queer media. perhaps it’s just not very cinematic, or it remains too confronting for cishet audiences, but ghosts manages to touch on it with a lovely amount of humour and hope. Jamie Babbit’s But I’m A Cheerleader is another favourite piece of queer media for the same reasons.

not only does it show this, but as the captain continues to get gayer and lean into some of his less conventional traits (like an interest in fashion and the wedding planning), it shows lgbt people who have been or are going through this that there CAN be a positive outcome. it takes a lot to unlearn all the things that have painted you as wrong, especially when a massive institution is desperate to continue doing so, but you can do it, you can be happy, and it's never too late. (i've been meaning to say that last point for ages for ages, but a mutual beat me to it here)

2. not just another coming out arc

i absolutely support the demand for queer stories that don’t center around coming out (it’s like shrodinger’s queer: if you’re not coming out on screen, do you really even exist?), but i don’t align with the criticisms that the captain should already be out. for the reasons mentioned above, the captain’s particular story is fairly different to the ‘young white teenager who mostly knows gay is fine, it’s just everyone else that’s got the problem, but have a unremarkably straight sounding soundtrack, a trauma porn romance, and a cishet saviour’ that we keep seeing. the captain’s ongoing journey with his sexuality emphasises the overaching theme of the show: recovering from trauma and humanity’s endless capacity for growth, and i think that’s worth showing over and over again until it stops being true.

additionally, while the captain’s journey regarding his gayness is a big part of his character and story, ghosts makes it clear that it’s not the ONLY part, and being gay is far from his ONLY characteristic or dramatic/comedic engine. the fact that i’m even having to congratulate ghosts for doing that really shows how much film and television is struggling huh.

while all queer media is, and should be, subject to criticism, i think if it helps even one person then it absolutely deserves to exist, and i can say i’ve found the captain’s journey to be the lgbt story i’ve found that’s closest to my own, which says a lot considering he’s a dead world war 2 soldier who hangs out with other ghosts including a slutty Tory, a georgian noblewoman, and a literal caveman. 

3. if captain gay, why he no have boyfriend???? 

another complaint that’s been circulating is that since the captain doesn’t, and likely won’t, have a boyfriend, that makes him Bad Representation because it follows the sad single gay trope. i kind of get the logic from this one, and a lot of it is up to personal interpretation, but part of me really enjoys the fact that the captain’s journey towards accepting himself is separated from having a relationship.

coming out is often paired with having romantic/sexual relationships (either as the reason or reward for doing so). my own struggle with repression didn't end the second that came out, and i still struggle with letting myself develop & acknowledge romantic feelings as a result of actively shutting them (and most other feelings in general) down for years, and statistics show that lgbtq youth in particular tend not to live out their 'teen years' until their twenties. by not giving cap a relationship straight away, ghosts separates the act of claiming identity and sexual orientation from finding a partner (two things which are, more often than not, separate), and also provides some very nice validation to folks who have yet to have the relationship they want, especially when lots of mainstream queer media is now jumping on the cishet media bandwagon of acting as if every person loses their virginity and has a life defining relationship at sixteen. it’s essentially a continuation of the earlier theme of “it’s never too late”, and who’s to say the captain won’t get a gay bear ghost boyfriend to go haunt nazis with??? people die all the time, it could happen.

(also, i think him and julian will have definitely shagged at least once. it was a low moment for both of them and they refuse to speak of it.)

lots of asexual/ace spectrum fans have come out to say how much they’ve loved being able to headcanon cap as ace, and while that’s not a headcanon i personally have, i think it’s brilliant that ace fans feel seen by his character- we’re all in this soup together babey (and sorry for cursing everyone still reading this with that cap/julian headcanon. i’m just a vessel)

4. “okay, but cap’s a GHOST- doesn’t that make this Bury Your Gays?”

this is a bit of a complex one, but i’m going to say no as a result of the following break down.

Bury Your Gays (BYG), aka the trope where lgbtq characters are consistently killed off (and often with a heavy dose of trauma, while cishet characters survive) is probably one of my least favourite lgbt media tropes. BYG has two main points:

1. the lgbt character is killed, thus removing them from story entirely- hence the use of the phrase ‘killed OFF’ (killed off of the show/film)

2. the character’s death reinforces the perception that lgbtq people’s lives must end in tragedy, instead of being long and fulfilling, or are inherently less valuable. bonus points if the character is killed in a hate crime or confesses same-gender love right before they die (that one implies that queer love genuinely has no future!)

not every death of an lgbtq character is bury your gays, and i personally feel that the captain is an example of an lgbt death that isn’t. 

first of all, while the captain is dead, so are the vast majority of characters in ghosts. the premise of the show means that death is not the end of the line for its characters- for most of them, it’s the only reason we get to see them on screen at all. as such, the captain being dead doesn’t remove him from the story, so point one is irrelevant.

at the time of posting, we don’t know how or why the captain died, but we've had nothing to suggest his death was in any way related to his latent sexuality, so his mysterious death doesn’t actively play into the supposedly inherent tragedy of queer lives, nor the supposedly lesser value. that’s as of right now- since we don’t know the circumstances of his death it’s a little tough to analyse properly. while the captain’s life absolutely features missed opportunities and it’s fair share of tragedy, hope and growth (which seems to be the theme of this post) abounds in equal measure. the captain may not be alive, but we DO get to see him growing and having a relatively happy existence, that for the most part seems to be getting even better as he learns to open up and be himself unapologetically- that doesn’t feel like BYG to me.

while writng this, it’s just occured to me that death really is a second chance for most of the ghosts, especially with the introduction of alison. from mary learning to read, to thomas finding modern music, they’ve all been given the chance explore things they never could have while they were alive, and hopefully grow enough to one day be sucked off move on.

in conclusion,

i love the captain very much and i hope his arc lives up to the standards it’s set so far. i don’t know where to put this in this post, but i’d alo like to say i LOVE how in Perfect Day, the captain wasn’t used as an educational experienced for fanny at all. i am very tired of people expecting me to be the walking talking homophobe educator and rehabilitator, so the fact that it’s alison and the other ghosts that call fanny out while the captain just gets to have fun with the wedding organisation made me very happy.

here’s a few other cap posts that i’ve done:

the captain’s arc if adam and the film crew stayed

a possible cap coming out 

the captain backstory headcanon

if you’ve read this far,

thank you!

also check out @alex-ghosts-corner , this post inspired me very much to write this

[maraudersandlily20]

ok dorcas and marlene as chaotic professors at the same university? could be an AU, could just be Hogwarts

As told in Text Conversations: 

Groupchat: Picasso is a Bitch 

Dorcas: New Teacher alert.

Lily: Department?

Dorcas: Engineering

Remus: Sounds hot

Dorcas: shut up immediately.

Remus: you’re not my mom

Lily: M or F

Dorcas: F

Remus: Dammit

Lily: seem nice?

Dorcas: idk. I didn’t get the chance to actually talk to her. It was more like a moment in passing. She was surrounded by guys, though

Remus: what a lesbian move

Lily: how… how is that even a thing?

Remus: Lils, are you dumb? If girls ONLY hang out with guys, chances are they’re butch. Or they know they aren’t attracted to guys and are wild as fuck and have nothing to lose. They have no one to impress, really. Those are the only two options.

Dorcas: Jesus

Remus: No, I’m sure he wasn’t there

Dorcas: I have to leave this conversation before I physically kill Remus Lupin. Talk to you both later.

Lily: Lunch in our usual spot?

Remus: Tell me if you see the Lesbian again.

Remus: Also, where the fuck is Alice?

---

Groupchat: The Walking Dead

Sirius: Well lads, I dropped off the love of our lives at school. Felt like a proud parent. Almost cried.

Marlene: You are aware that I know how to make explosives from scratch right? I’ve been aching to do it for a while, so you wanna keep doing this? Is this happening?

James: I need him, though. We’re gonna get married eventually. So no. You are not allowed to blow him up

Marlene: Fuck

Peter: How's the new campus? 

Marlene: Small. I mean, it’s a lot smaller of a university, harder to get into and all that. But still. For a place that boasts a great deal of wealth, they certainly don’t show it in building size. 

Sirius: That’s how you know they have money. They have nothing to prove. Classic rich people move.

Peter: You should know.

James: Did you get settled though, Mars? 

Marlene: Enough. I still have to set up the lecture hall to my liking, but it’s nice to have an office that will probably be permanent. And I saw your door just a few down from mine, Jamie boy! Sirius: I should have become a professor. I feel left out. I hate being left out.

Peter: You have the right degree, Paddy. You could be a professor if you wanted.

Sirius: Desk jobs are gross. No thank you. Also, children.

Marlene: It’s not a desk job. And, like, these children are basically full grown adults.

Sirius: Physically, maybe. But I remember what we were like at their age. Mentally, they belong in daycare. 

James: You’re just bitter because those college boys outdrank you the other night.

Sirius: THEY FUCKING CHEATED!

Peter: They didn’t though

James: Whatever you say, Pads.

Marlene: Also, I just saw a very beautiful woman. Will keep you updated if I see her again.

Sirius: WHY ARE YOU ONLY SAYING THIS NOW?!?!

---

Groupchat: Picasso Is a Bitch name changed to Hamlet, that’s fucking gay

Remus: Any sign of the lesbian?

Dorcas: No. 

Alice: What? What Lesbian?

Lily: Oh, while you were sick, Dorcas saw a very pretty girl. Remus thinks she’s a lesbian.

Alice: Ooh, that’s fun! 

Remus: I don’t THINK Lily, I know. 

Dorcas: You haven’t even seen her

Remus: Irrelevant. 

Lily: Do you guys know if Potter is back?

Alice: I saw him this morning. He was getting coffee.

Remus: I love that man so much. He’s so beautiful I could literally cry. With that hot caramel skin and that wild hair and how he always smells like some weird spice. I want him to be the father of my children.

Lily: Don’t encourage him.

Remus: He’s not even here.

Lily: He can sense your enthusiasm. So shhhhh

Alice: Do we still not like him?

Lily: No.

Dorcas: You know it was an accident, Lils. 

Lily: You don’t know that. And I don’t know that. And who in their RIGHT MIND asks someone out after they’ve pushed them into a fountain? Like, the audacity?!

Remus: At least he’s authentic

Lily: Yeah, an authentic bitch. 

Alice: Lol.

Alice: I’m honestly really interested in this Lesbian situation, though. Can we get back to that?

Remus: She’s in the engineering department. So if your cute little math loving butt just wanted to wander over there…

Alice: I’m on my way. 

Dorcas: Why are we friends? You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.

Dorcas: ALICE

Lily: They’re doing it out of love.

Dorcas: Well their idea of love is something I am not interested in. 

Alice: Blonde?

Dorcas: Fuck.

Remus: Is she blonde, Dorcs?

Remus: IS SHE?!

Dorcas: Yeah.

Alice: Marlene McKinnon. Blonde, blue eyed, I’d say 5”8, 5”9. Masters in Engineering. Very nice.

Remus: Alice, I fucking love you

---

Groupchat: The Walking Dead changed to Update, I’m still gay

Sirius: Why the name change?

Marlene: Needed to get your attention

James: But like… with that?

Marlene: It fucking worked, didn’t it?

Peter: What happened?

Marlene: I saw that beautiful woman again. And I was right. She was beautiful.

Sirius: Sounds riveting.

Marlene: I told you I’d keep you updated, and I am. Stop being ungrateful.

Sirius: Yes commander

James: Who was it?

Marlene: Don’t know. Short, black, curly hair?

James: Where did you see her?

Marlene: She was getting a plate of spaghetti in the Canteen.

James: Hm……….. 

Sirius: James doesn’t know anyone because he’s too busy mooning over Evans.

James: I am so much stronger than you. Do not come for me right now

Peter: Sirius, you have an appointment here, come down.

Sirius: Fuck. 

James: Peter, you know you can just text him personally, right?

Peter: I can’t shame him publicly if I only text him. 

Marlene: Facts.

James: Did you talk to her?

Marlene: Nah, she was with people. I wanted to though. She seems lovely. 

James: Lovely? Who are you and what have you done with Marlene McKinnon.

Marlene: She’s dead now. I’ve inhabited her body. 

Sirius: Thank god, she was a bitch.

Peter: SIRIUS

James: I’ll keep an eye out for her. Let me know if you want me to scout it out.

Marlene: Okay, James Bond

---

Groupchat: Hamlet, that’s fucking gay changed to Dorcas McKinnon has a nice ring to it

Dorcas: Remus, stop changing the group chat name. I know where you live.

Remus: We live with each other.

Dorcas: Exactly.

Lily: Are there lesbian updates????

Remus: I met her. She was wandering around, looking for a pop machine. 

Alice: Yay! I love Lesbian updates

Remus: Good news: she’s funny. Like, super funny.

Lily: Saying good news like that often means there is bad news to follow

Remus: She’s uh… friends with Potter.

Dorcas: Uh-oh.

Alice: Oh no.

Lily: I’m really sorry that you have to eternally break up with this woman, Dorky. Because NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. ANYONE who is friends with James Potter is not worth knowing.

Alice: That’s pretty judgemental, lils.

Lily: .... And?

Remus: Luckily, you don’t have to date her.

Dorcas: No one is dating ANYONE. Jesus, you guys. Chill out about this whole thing

Remus: I don’t think that’s physically possible. 

Dorcas: Can we talk about anything else?

Alice: Frank is taking me out for sushi tonight. 

Remus: I would marry Frank in five seconds, if he’d let me

Alice: I’ll let him know. 

Remus: Thank you, I appreciate it.

---

Groupchat: Update, I’m still gay changed to Emotionally Unavailable Idiots

Sirius: I have met the love of my life.

Marlene: Stop being dramatic

Sirius: Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? He quoted the Princess Bride with me. Word for Word? Marlene, I must marry this man. WHO IS HE?

Peter: Why do I keep missing all of the fun stuff?

James: The fun stuff is watching Sirius gay panic over a stranger?

Peter: Yeah. Obvs.

Marlene: He’s the lit professor.

James: Lupin?

Marlene: I think so, yeah. 

Sirius: An english nerd. Perfect. He can read me poetry while I give people tattoos. We’ll make millions. 

Marlene: I think… he wants to be my friend. He’s come around a few times. He even brought me coffee once, with a croissant. I didn’t know people were so nice to strangers. Am I in a hallmark film?

Peter: It’s cause you're such a catch, Mars. 

Marlene: I will shove that “catch” up your ass, Pettigrew, if you don’t stop being stupid.

James: Impossible. Stupidity is Peter’s middle name. 

Sirius: Yeah Peter Marcus Stupidity Pettigrew.

Peter: My middle name isn’t Marcus.

Sirius: Wait really?

Peter: No?

Sirius: Why the fuck did I think it was Marcus?

James: I think Lupin is bi, Sirius. So…

Sirius: James, you are the other love of my life. I will kiss you when you get home. You provide me with the most valuable information and attention. I can never truly repay you.

James: Finally. Getting the recognition I deserve. Can’t wait.

Sirius: Marlene, please. Be his friend, I am begging you. I will give you our first born child.

Marlene: Pass.

---

Groupchat: Dorcas McKinnon has a nice ring to it changed to I won’t hesitate bitch

Alice: Marlene is so nice

Lily: You’re all traitors. She’s friends with the enEMY

Dorcas: I thought Remus was supposed to be the dramatic one

Remus: I’ll take that as a compliment

Dorcas: Whatever helps you sleep at night. 

Alice: Seriously though. She’s so nice. A lot of my students have her and they’ve been gushing. Apparently she’s one of the best professors some of them have ever had.

Remus: Damn. High praise. 

Lily: Still skeptical

Alice: She asked about you, Dori. 

Dorcas: wait, what?

Remus: ALICE SAY MORE RIGHT NOW?!?!

Alice: She said she had noticed that you and I are close and she wanted to know about you. What your name is, what you teach, how long you’ve been working here, if you were single.

Dorcas: She did not ask that.

Remus: Dorcas, shut up forever. Alice is talking. Alice, my love, please continue. 

Alice: I may have invited her to eat lunch with us.

Dorcas: Uh…

Lily: You did what?

Alice: She’s new, Lily. I’m trying to help her make friends.

Lily: You did it, didn’t you. 

Alice: ummm

Lily: YOU TOLD HER SHE COULD BRING JAMES POTTER, DIDN’T YOU

Alice: He’s her friend. I couldn’t exclude him.

Lily: I never thought this would happen to me. To be betrayed so thoroughly by my own friends. I don’t even have the words. 

Alice: Who knows, it might be fun?

Remus: I’m so excited I could burst

Dorcas: Is it legal to drink on campus in the middle of the day?

Remus: Unfortunately not. Trust me, I’ve tried.

---

Marlene McKinnon to Dorcas Meadowes

Marlene: It was nice of all of you to invite me to lunch. I know it was probably awkward for all of you to have to spend time with a stranger. But I really appreciated it. 

Dorcas: No problem. You’re always welcome.

Marlene: Maybe… we could go get something to eat off campus sometime?

Dorcas: Yeah, of course. We go to the bar on Wright all the time.

Marlene: Oh, I meant like… just you and me. Actually.

Dorcas: Oh.

Marlene: Yeah. Did I guess wrong?

Dorcas: Guess wrong?

Marlene: About you being into women?

Dorcas: Ohhhh…

Marlene: ??

Dorcas: What did you have in mind? For our date?

Marlene: Wait, is that a yes?

Dorcas: I expect like, first class treatment, because I’ve seen you in action now. Anyone who can wrangle James Potter like that is someone who deserves knowing. So yeah. It’s a yes.

Marlene: Yay! Okay, you won’t regret it!

Marlene: Also, my friend is in love with Lupin.

Dorcas: wait, James? 

Marlene: Lol. Nah, James is still hung up on Lily. She’s wonderful, by the way. Tell her I’m grateful she was so kind. I know about what James did last year, so I can understand her bitterness. Fucking funny, though, to see it in person.

Marlene: It’s my other friend, Sirius. He owns the tattoo parlor, Cannis Major, on Levi. 

Dorcas: Hmm. Well, let me know what I can do. I’m sure we can get them in the same room at some point.

Marlene: Are you offering to meddle in people’s lives?

Dorcas: Is that okay?

Marlene: Dorcas Meadowes, I’m pretty sure I’m already halfway in love with you. 

Dorcas: Thank god. 

--------------------

This has been in my ask box for literal months. I’m sorry @tonftyhw !! I had finals and stress and I don’t know how to write. I hope this makes you smile though.

Clarifier for who teaches what if anyone is interested:

Lily-History

Remus-Literature

Dorcas-Art (painting)

Alice-Math

James-Chemistry

Marlene-Engineering/Physics

Sirius owns a tattoo shop because I will die for that AU every time. And Peter works with him, kind of like the brains of the business.

Should I write more of this? It was so fun lol 

[femmedionysus]

sorry if this is super weird pls feel free to delete this if you want but i just wanted to say as a bi/pan (w/e idk what term ppl use at this point for me) wlw it meant a lot to hear someone who’s a lesbian say i am in fact allowed to call myself butch. i’ve always had more in common with butch lesbians than anything else to the point where when i wrote a coming out post about also being transmasc (gender’s complicated i won’t get deep in it here) one older butch lesbian i knew commented like “oh yeah!!! i feel the same way!!!”

but then like i go online and my peers are like. “if you’re not a lesbian and you call yourself butch i don’t trust you” and just a lot of really,,, painful shit. it just always felt like i wasn’t allowed to be openly myself even among people i called friends bc i wasn’t queer Enough, somehow.

and yeah idk i’m sorry i know this is a lot over just a really really small comment you added to a short reblog but it really meant a lot to read so thank you, sorry to bother you, i’ll be on my way now kfnfkff take care!!

oh, hey, no bother at all & in fact I’m really glad you took the time to tell me this!! I hope you know this but just in case: bi butches are no less butch than butch lesbians, being butch is about so much more than just if you’re Only Ever 100% Attracted To Women Only. (& same for bi femmes!)

I’m so sorry that you’ve heard that kind of nastiness from people you call friends. biphobia is ugly & I hope you find people who love & support you, I promise most lesbians (at least, the ones who are worth spending any time with) are not biphobic & will recognize that bi butches & femmes are our siblings & should be cherished!! (also, about the gender stuff: that’s also super common, & I’m glad there was an older butch who validated that for you!)

I recommend this to basically everyone on this topic but if you haven’t yet, check the content warnings first but absolutely read stone butch blues. there have always been butches & femmes who are bi, & lesbians, & transmascs, & transfems. the diversity is part of what makes those identities so meaningful.

thanks so much for stopping by to tell me this 🥺 I hope you have a wonderful day, & I am sending you a kiss on the cheek!

[nerdyqueerandjewish]

I want to ask a question and I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way. So please forgive me if I offend you, but can you tell me what made you decide/learn you are trans? Like where did it all begin? I’m just curious because I, someone who is not trans, would like to kind of understand a little more as to what people feel with this sort of thing. You can be as specific or as general as you like obviously. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Thanks.

Sure! I feel people tend to assume that trans people “always knew” they were a different gender from a young age, and I didn’t feel that way at all so I like talking about it to challenge those stereotypes.

Tw- gender dysphoria / body talk / dated language, including slurs

Growing up I actually enjoyed being a girl for the most part. I like things that people considered feminine and I even felt sorry for the boys and thinking that I was glad I wasn’t one because they seemed so restricted in how they expressed themselves (didn’t realize at the time that i was actually grateful I didn’t need to deal with the expectations of toxic masculinity). I think as I got older I sort of knew I was “different” because I was bisexual, but I didn’t think about it in a gender way that much. Even though as a teenager I knew trans people existed in an abstract sense, the idea of me being trans wasn’t really on my radar. I do remember sometimes I would just really want facial hair. Like, I thought if I could just be a “bearded lady”, that would be great. I didn’t really think beyond that, I would say it sometimes to friends, like “UGH I’m just so jealous of so-and-so’s beard I know that’s so weird lol (but I guess I’m just weird and quirky like that)!” And in hindsight I’m like Oh that was dysphoria! I was feeling weird about gender but didn’t know what was going on.

When I was in college I got out of my small town bubble and actually was around other out lgbtq+ people, and I think that really allowed me to explore my gender expression more. I said before, I enjoy femininity, and that’s true, but a lot of the looking like what society expected a girl or woman to look like felt like a costume to me. It was enjoyable in the way that dressing in drag can be fun - but it didn’t feel like an authentic expression of myself. Not that like, questioning the sexist expectations society places on women makes people trans, but it felt like, it wasn’t just make-up and woman’s clothes - having a smooth, peach fuzz face felt like drag on me. I had boobs and I thought they looked nice but i felt like they were not an actual part of me and they got to a point where they actively bothered me / made me uncomfortable. My costume wasn’t a bad costume, but having it be my everyday reality was exhausting, and transitioning was a way for me to have a life where I didn’t feel like I was playing dress up all the time.

I identified as genderqueer and nonbinary for a long time because I didn’t know if I was a man or not. I defiantly didn’t identify with the idea of “wanting to be a man” or “wanting to be masculine.” My community was primarily queer women, and a lot of the trans men I knew were butch in the way they presented before they came out so I felt like being a trans man required a certain level of masculine gender presentation. Eventually I just kind of gave up finding a right word for me though and started more thinking like “what would I want to do if nobody was around? If no social pressure existed? Would I want to start testosterone? Would I want to have top surgery?” And the answer to those things ended up being yes. Reading about the trans scene in the 80s - 90s was also really helpful to me because things were a bit less focused on identity labels and more focused on being and doing what is best for yourself personally. Riki Ann Wilkins is an activist and in one of her books she has a quote that’s something like “I’m not invested in identifying as transsexual. I’m invested in being myself and feeling at home in myself, and society has certain words to label and communicate that idea.” And that really helped me start to focus on caring for myself and what I needed instead of trying to find the “right” answer to what I was. It was also reading her books that I found out that there was a subculture of transgender men (identifying as transfags) who rejected a lot of the masculinity that people saw inherent to male-ness and being a trans man and embraced gender nonconformity and their attraction to men. A lot of them also vocal about not wanting bottom surgery. Which, I know these things might not sound out there now, but it was actually pretty radical because adherence to gender roles, heterosexuality, and desire to “”fully”” transition was a requirement to get access to things like hormones and other parts of medical and legal transition. Anyway, I read about their existence and I was like holy shit !!! I can be a man in a gay way ?? And (related to the Rikki Ann Wilkins quote) being trans / being a trans man doesn’t need to be The Perfect Identity Label? It can just communicate some information relevant to my experience ?? Cool I guess I’m a trans man. I still consider myself nonbinary too, because I feel like that also communicates things about my experience with gender. I also feel comfortable using the term genderqueer to describe myself, but I feel like that term isn’t as used as frequently anymore.

I know that was probably long but there were multiple starts and beginnings of things. Gender feelings probably started around me being 15 years old, but I didn’t know they were gender feelings until I was around 19, and I didn’t really get settled in my own identity until I was around 25. So. It’s been a Time lol.

Also I just wanted to add - although I’m sure you get this and it’s just hard to know how to phrase things - there really isn’t a “decision” to be trans / have these feelings or experiences , it’s just what it is. But we do make decisions about what words to use to describe ourselves and decisions about social and medical aspects of transitioning. Some trans folks experience things so strongly that decisions are ones where they needed to pick a certain option. The option of not coming out or not taking certain steps in transitions are just not viable alternatives for them. I personally feel like I could have decided to not do certain things and survived, but my quality of would have been significantly worse and I wouldn’t be honoring my actual Self.

Also I know my experience revolved a lot around my experience relationship to my body, and following that, I know that’s not everyone’s experience. Totally cool to be a trans person who doesn’t experience dysphoria or be someone who really vibes with the newer wave of how we talk about identity, it’s just not me and I can’t speak on that experience 😎

[nyyyyyyyyyyyyx]

Barbie rewatch - Barbie Dolphin Magic

Right, so I began my Barbie marathon with one of the newer movies. I had never seen this one before, and without the nostalgia to make me enjoy it, I wasn’t sure I was going to like watching it that much at all. But I was wrong! It’s a children’s movie, obviously, but it’s still pretty entertaining. I really like the laid back summer vibes, and though the plot is sort of bland the characters and their dynamics are interesting enough to carry the movie well enough.

(There will be spoilers from now on) Something that really stood out to me was how this is probably the one Barbie movie with mermaids where Barbie isn’t the mermaid. It makes sense, since this movie is one of those where we see Barbie’s sisters, which means it’s is more of a real world sort of setting? Anyway, it was super fun to see Barbie bond with this girl who knew absolutely Nothing about life on land and try to pretend that was normal. The scene where she finds put about Isla being a mermaid, though, that was amazing and probably my favorite scene in the whole movie. I mean, the necklace being activated by a dolphin was sort of anticlimactic, and I felt like there were more interesting ways to make Barbie find out, but what followed was still very good.

On a side note, I love Barbie’s sisters so much! They all have such distinct personalities without being those rigid archetypes with only one trait. For example, Stacey was annoyed at not being able to practice any extreme sports and similar activities, which are her jam, but she isn’t portrayed as whiny or one track minded about it. Instead, she turns to people watching, and is shown to be grateful for Barbie giving her a good tool to do that. Skipper also clearly is a nerdy stay at home sort of person, but she still goes out and does stuff and bonds with other people, thankfully not fitting into the “annoying teen” mold which I’m honestly so tired of seeing. Her technology even helps the plot!

Lastly just a small comment on the art style... the cgi is obviously a lot better than in older movies, but I need to ask, why are their eyes so big??? Seriously, the eyes are freaking huge and it scared me a bit.

Gay thoughts: In this part I’m going to point out the things about the movie that come across as allowing for lgbt interpretation to me, so be warned. Well, I think I was up to a good start with this one! There is definitely some potential between Barbie and Isla, and I can’t possibly be making this up. This is one of those cases where making a little imagination exercise and putting a boy in the place of one of the girls will make you realize that the plot would definitely be setting them up as a couple were they not two womenً. Like seriously, right at their first meeting they have a cute interaction and chemistry, and I’m not even joking when I say there was romantic sounding music in the background. Barbie immediately becomes fond of her and invites her over to hang out with her? Like imagine you’re one of Barbie’s sister and she suddenly appears with a random girl saying “this is my new friend, she’ll be spending the night here :))”.

Now, all of Isla and Barbie’s interactions are super cute, but nothing beats the gosh darn transformation scene. Like?? Since this is my stupid gay rambling and I owe no one nothing, I’m just going to go ahead and say that it feels like a coming out scene. Isla was so scared of Barbie not being okay with it and happy when Barbie accepted with no issues (add that to the fact that Barbie then asked Isla to teach her how to swim like a mermaid. Hm. You can definitely get a metaphor out of this if you want to.), it resonated so much with the coming out experience. Also, Isla asked Barbie not to tell anyone, not even her sisters, because even though she did trust her sisters the more people who knew a secret, the more likely it was to get out, and if that’s not relatable idk what is. Plus the quote “people tend to not understand other’s differences” (or something among those lines, I can’t remember exactly) hit a little too close to me.

There was also another scene that felt so much like a break up??? And in the middle of the climax Barbie’s first worry was making things up with Isla??? No seriously, I could not make up how gay the last 20 minutes of this movie are if I tried.

Sure, Ken is in this movie as Barbie’s boyfriend (and as a marine biologist. That was weird, I don’t think I’d ever seen him be anything other than Barbie’s Boyfriend jdbfjhfjf), but they have very few interactions and honestly? Not that great of a chemistry. He is essentially a plot device for the Barbie family to be near the dolphin, and in the moments he actually talks to Barbie it feels more like a “childhood friends” thing than a “significant other” thing. Tbh Barbie and Ken look so much alike that I’d even go as far as to say their relationship gives me some sibling-esque vibes.

Now the last thing I have to say is probably a lot of a stretch but I still want to mention it. I probably only saw this because I have my rainbow goggles on (I mean, the whole point of this marathon is to watch the Barbie movies through queer eyes), but the villain looks kind of lesbian coded. Something about her haircut and demeanor reminds me of the “mean butch” stereotype. On one side, that’s something so subtle that it probably wasn’t intentional (if anything they probably meant to make Marlo a Karen sort of person), and on the other, it’s kind of sad that the one character without a cookie cutter appearance is the villain. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still white and thin (but if you squint she’s a little less skinny than the rest of the gang), but it would still have been nice to at least have someone else in the good guys’ side with a similar style.

Well I guess that’s all I wanted to say! Good to see Barbie movies have been doing well since I stopped keeping up with them. Hopefully I can start Rapunzel tonight

[thewritingstar]

In The Depths of the Deep Sea

Pairing: Blossucth (Blossom x Butch) 

Fandom: Powerpuff Girls

Notes: Prob one of the fluffiest things I've written and I’ve had this idea for months now and finally its here. After rewriting more times than I care to admit, I actually like it. Also go check out @lisathefan she made the most stunning art work for this!!

Tag list: @shellielyzabeth @unvalley @over-under-through1

Enjoy! 

---

“Never go past the Crystal Reef.” Her father said to when she was just a young mermaid.

Naturally she listened to the rules. As the eldest of her sisters, it was her duty to make sure they did the same. Even if she had to scold Buttercup for getting too close or urge Bubbles not to because of the scary monsters, no one went past the reef.

It wasn’t a hard rule to follow though. Crystal Reef was massive and was filled with a city of sea life and other mermaids that kept everyone happy. They lived in the ocean and were free to travel the lengths of the sea, but the Deep Reef as it was called, was off limits.

She had heard the stories many times. Disgusting creatures lurked in the murky waters and even mermaids had a hard time swimming it's currents. It was ice cold as the legends told and no one made it out alive to tell the tale. There were messages of mermaids becoming food for the massive predators that lived there and even said to be home to blood thirsty sharks and fish who were more bone than flesh. It was creepy and distasteful to even think about and Blossom rarely had any desire to swim out and down below.

But one evening after her father told her about the treasures pirate ships could hold, she found one. It was just short of the edge of the reef, only a few meters down, the water was still clear enough but she knew that any further and she could be risking her tail. But as she grew older, her curiosity got the better of her.

So she swam and found it. The massive ship that had been sunken years before she was born. It was breathtaking even with the mass of water damage eroding its boards. Her mind had drifted further out to sea, her judgment foggy as she wasted the daylight in the boat.

It became a habit of hers. She would leave for hours to go towards that ship and each time, there was something new for her to see. She never had trouble there before, but her luck could only go so far.

The water had turned colder towards the night but she wasn’t worried, wasn’t afraid. Her tail guided her along the outside and she had decided maybe that was enough exploring for the day. Her family would get worried if she wasn’t back soon but then again the giant shark looming over her didn’t care too much about her time.

She gulped as the creature stared at her. Her breath being held in her throat as its eyes locked on to hers, daring her to make a move. Her blade in her bag was out of reach and even if she had it, there was no way she could fight off a shark ten times the size of her.

Perhaps this was it. The day she would be eaten alive and never found. And if she were to die, her sisters better keep their fins off her stuff! She shut her eyes tight as she felt the shark move closer. The torment of feeling the bubbles around her was making her uneasy and thought if she remained still, then it would leave. But her eyes, she decided to open them all too soon.

She only saw white. Rows and rows of exposed sharp teeth were only merely inches away and she couldn’t help herself from losing her cool. She screamed at the top of her lungs causing the shark to open its jaws and bite down at her spot where she just managed to get away.

In her younger years she had been deemed the smartest of her sisters, speed was not the attribute that she had been gifted and she wished in these very moments that Buttercup's ability to swim faster than anyones was here.

She circled the corner of the ship, hoping to lose the shark but one more mistake of looking back cost her time. She didn’t know this area well and made the mistake of swimming past the boat and towards the darker side. Her eyesight became cloudy as the water merged with the fading light and soon she could only see a few feet ahead of her.

The shark's nose grazed her tail and she let out a scream as she found a giant rock rounded to the back pressing herself to it hoping the creature wouldn’t find her. She covered her mouth with a shaky hand. She shouldn’t have ventured this far, shouldn’t have let the mysterious be her guide.

She could see the shark a few feet away, it had lost her scent for a second and she knew that if she dared to swim, it would all be over. She had spoken too soon, those beady eyes turned and locked onto her frame and she swore she could see the sickly smirk of its teeth before it bolted towards her.

Her eyes tightened close and she took one final break, her bag dropping to the ground as her hand was pulling to the right and down. In a matter of seconds she felt the cavern shake from the impact of the shark, yet she was still alive, and wrapped around warm seaweed?

Blossom opened her eyes, now inside of the hidden cave, she looked down to see an arm holding her waist and hand, that was not hers, covering her mouth.

“Don’t move.” A voice came into her ear. It was deep and hoarse as if someone had just woken up.

Another jolt of fear ran through her as the shark bashed its head against the rocks. She let out a muddled squeak and the arm tightened slightly on her body.

“It can’t get to you, don’t worry.” The voice tried to reassure her.

For when the arm loosened on her after moments of waiting and he told her the shark had left, she turned and was met with vivid green eyes and an uncertain expression. Her eyes went to the top of his head. She had heard of mermaids that adapted to their surroundings but she had never met one with a light stand of an angler fish. It bobbed in the water giving off a faint glow.

“Thank you.” She said, trying to hide the fact that she was staring at him. She didn’t mean to be rude but he was so

“It's uh, no big deal. You should probably leave.” He said but when he swam away, that wasn’t the last he saw of her.

--

His first thought was to leave her there to die, just like all those other pesky mermaids who don’t know what lurks below. He knew that they all thought badly about the creatures here, serving them the right to try and test fate. But by all means if they want to risk their stuipd lives and dive down deep then they are in a rude awakening for a game of predator or prey with the creatures that feast on the oblivious.

But for some reason he couldn’t allow it to happen, not this time. It wasn’t his fault that he had stumbled across her, just a curious mermaid looking through an old sunken ship. Maybe if she knew that he was hidden behind the rock staring at her like a creep, she would have wished the shark ate her up. It was just...he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

He had seen countless mermaids and sea creatures, nothing special new about them. However her electric magenta tail brought his memory to the glowing anemones he used to pick as a little fish. The heart swirled on her tail was oddly cute and he found himself drawing closer and closer to her.

Did he spend weeks going back and forth between the ship hoping that she would come back to explore? Did he maybe place items he found in there so that the presence of new things made her come back? Maybe. It wasn’t creepy. He was just...curious. His brothers had no idea that he would spend his afternoons and even evenings wandering over to the shipwreck. They hadn’t had a clue about what was so interesting that he would be gone for hours but when he came back with some fish, they didn’t bother to ask any questions.

Sometimes he wondered if he should keep to himself. He had been told to never mingle with a mermaid of pure blood. Those whose fins and tails were fully fish and mermaid-ie, unlike him who looked mostly pure blood but had the light of an angler fish bobbing out of his forehead. He didn’t care, though he looked cool but it became his own worst enemy at some times.

She however thought it was adorable when she would place a sweet kiss to his cheek and the little light would brighten to an illanecent green and his cheek as pink as his tail.

“It's weird.” he would grumble.

“I think it's cute.” She would respond and give him another kiss to increase the brightness. “You’re like a lighthouse, always guiding me right back to you.”

He laughed. “You’re a sap.”

---

She found herself swimming deeper and closer to the murky water, even her ability to see in the dark wasn’t holding up but there was no fear within her even as the water altered to a colder climate. Hesitation was something she knew of often, always second guessing herself to make the right choices and be the best version of herself but with this, there was none of that.

It was certain that within these twilight waters was something for her. Something that could offer her more than the crystal reef and the same school of fish. Something unique and intriguing. Something of her own.

She knew better than to venture to the darkest part of the ocean. She knew about the horror stories where creatures go but don’t return, but there she was, following the path that others dared not too.

Her excuse was the ship and her desire to excavate it, but her family didn’t need to know that she was only going there to see him. It started with just a few questions and friendly chatter.

“What are you doing?”

“Finding treasure.”

“Think you could search me next?”

“You’re a riot.”

But even with the not so subtle stares and the blushing of her cheeks, she found herself gravitating to him as if he were a magnetic field and she let herself drift to him. Those sly comments turned to pamper kisses as their conversations formed into topics of their hopes, dreams and fears. And how she knew he had placed those items for her to find.

Sharp teeth left shivers all over her body as they caraseed her neck and lips so delicately like that as a whisper. His eyes, how enchanting. The deep green was viid against his greyish skin that faded into a beautiful black at his fingertips. She never thought eyes could shower her with  adoration even when she was just rambling. He held her close, chin resting on her shoulder as she would go on and on about the items she would find. She found his voice appealing and safe and he had comfort whenever she spoke.

Kissing him was like being plunged into cold water., A rush that left her head dizzy as she begged for more and wanted to never leave his side. At first he treated her as if she would break. Soft touches and feather light kisses but she loved when his hands would tangle into her locks and kiss her senseless as if she needed to forget her own name. His fingers would trace along the patterns that form on her skin and she would kiss the scar on his chest.

When their time to meet was coming up, she would swim towards the darkness, never looking back, hoping that he would always be waiting, perched on the rock just her. And sometimes she would get there and he would play his game of cat and mouse

“Caught you.” He whispered into her ear, a tingle running up her spine.

She giggled as she turned in his arms and threw her own around his neck. She gazed into his eyes for a second. The brightest green she had ever seen, like that of emerald from the world above. Her lips came onto his and even with her eyes closed, she could sense the light coming from his head. Its precious green glow just for her eyes, like her own little star in the dark sea.

She ran her finger along his sharp jaw and when he tilted his head to deepen their kiss, she felt those teeth that were just as dangerous. She was addicted to every part of him, no matter how hard the warnings were, she would find herself back in the dark surrounded by his warmth and that bright light.

---

She never understood the others. How could they say that everything below the reef was cruel and dangerous, well she knew why. All stereotypes hold a sliver of truth but when she was here with him, bodies slumped against the coral as they relaxed and watched the fish passing by, she had never felt safer, more comfortable, more free than when she did up above.

She brought him to the surface and showed him the reef, though he did better in the colder waters, he couldn’t comprehend just how gorgeous she was as the sun breached the water and her scales were like drops of sunlight. The pink of her iris sparkled and he found himself falling deeper and deeper in love with her just as she did with him.

They would collect sea glass together and he showed her the garden of anemones and sea flowers that bloomed with vivid colors. Sometimes they would swim to a hidden shore and look at the humans above before returning to water to snuggle in the kelp. They would treasure hunt and find other sunken ships.

“What's your favorite treasure or item you found?” He would say and without skipping a beat, her lips would linger over his, pink looking into green before whispering “You.”

She was told to never leave the reef and he was scolded to stay away, but within the darkness and the cold currents, there was a flash of green that guided her heart to her other home, to her other half.

--

I hope you enjoyed and thank you to miss Lisa for making art!!

[ranma-rewatch]

Episode 12: A Woman's Love is War! The Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics Challenge!

AAAAAhhhhh! After 10,000 years, I’m free! Time to watch more Ranma 1/2! We’re getting ready for the middle part of what I guess you could call the Kodachi introduction arc, and like I intimated last time, she’s not exactly my favorite character. That said, I am interested to see how this can play out over the course of two episodes, so next paragraph I’ll have watched the episode.

Uh, so, I don’t think an episode has surprised me by being this much better than I was expecting so far in this rewatch. Like I said before, low expectations, but I really enjoyed this one. The episode starts with Akane and Ranma heading to school on the day before the marital arts match, only for Kodachi to show up and attack Akane.

This has nothing to do with the match, though. She literally just came by to see Ranma, who she has fallen completely in love with, but decided to attack Akane on-sight because why not. After Akane literally throws her at Ranma, he is suddenly confronted by our old friend Tatewaki Kuno, who is surprised to hear of Kodachi’s affection for this rapscallion. After a few seconds of thought, he makes it clear Ranma has his permission to date her, but when Ranma snaps about now being asked about this, Kodachi gets sad, feeling like maybe Ranma hates her.

Trying to avoid her wrath, Ranma runs and hides behind Akane, pointing out that he is her fiance, which would put a hamper on dating. When Akane confirms this, new stakes are given to their upcoming fight: if Kodachi wins, she gets Ranma. Kuno is totally down with that, since with Ranma out of the way, he sees himself easily winning Akane’s (and Ranma’s) affection.

It’s as Kodachi runs off, laughing, that Kuno finally reveals why he jumped into this conversation in the first place: Kodachi is his little sister. He’s aware that she has quite a few terrible qualities, and so warns Akane that she is likely to cheat quite a bit before and during their fight. As he walks away, Ranma and Akane reel from this family revelation, and Ranma notes that he can actually see the resemblance now.

From there, we cut to Akane practicing that night in the dojo with Ranma. She’s clearly gotten a lot better, though makes it clear the new stakes have nothing to do with why she wants to win so badly. Just as Akane notes that she hasn’t had Ryoga’s assistance in training for the last few days, or seen P-chan, the piglet runs into the room, carrying evidence that he’d been in Hiroshima and Kyoto. (Fun fact: my best friend went to Hiroshima while she was studying abroad there!)

There’s some banter over Ryoga’s reappearance, but then Akane trips on a tool, injuring her ankle in the process. It’s bad enough that Kasumi makes clear there’s no way she can play in the match, which means they need a substitute to avoid giving up. They consider that they’d need to find someone with great marital arts skills, who is really acrobatic, and looks like a girl. All eyes go to Ranma just as Ryoga enters the room, having once again used Soun Tendo’s hot bath to change back to human, and throws cold water on Ranma.

He offers to train Ranma through the night, though it’s clear quickly that Ranma’s general skills do transfer pretty well. The only big hurdle is that in Rhythmic Gymnastics Martial Arts, the fighters aren’t allowed to deal direct blows, only use their themed weapons to fight. Akane observes at first, but they both tell her to go and get some sleep, which she ends up agreeing to. Once she’s gone, Ryoga gets serious in fighting, and reveals why he’s really doing this: he wants Ranma to lose. If he does, Ranma has to date Kodachi, which leaves Akane open to date him. He’s not trying to spar with Ranma, he’s trying to injure him bad enough that he can’t fight.

Akane wakes up the next morning and quickly hears the fight is still going on, heading into the dojo to find they’re going at it, though they’re both clearly exhausted. Oh, and the dojo is wrecked. Ranma is delirious from lack of sleep, and almost falls for a thumb tack in the hand trap from Kodachi when they go to the match at her school. Meanwhile, Ryoga is amazed to find that he’s managed to get from Akane’s house to the school without getting lost, and chalks the miracle up to the power of love. There’s another trick from Kodachi in the dressing room, and Ryoga is hit by random cold water while trying to get to the gymnasium, leading to Kodachi kidnapping him for some scheme.

Soon, it’s time for the match to begin, and Kuno is watching in the stands, ready to root for his sister for what he admits is the first time ever. Kodachi descends from the ceiling in a wedding dress while having rockets fired at her new opponent, all very on-brand for her. Ranma is asked what his name is, and he just gives them his real name, to Akane’s confusion. The Kuno’s both just take this as Ranma somehow having the exact same name as, well, Ranma, and some of their classmates in the crowd notice that they do look alike, pondering on how they’re connected.

The fight goes to start, but Kodachi begins by dazing Ranma with a twirly ribbon and an onslaught of black roses, then uses that opening to attach a chain to Ranma’s wrist. On the other end of that chain is P-chan, which Kodachi thinks will ensure she ends the match. But we don’t get to see that yet, because that’s for next episode!

So, a lot of thoughts, actually. First things first, I feel like this is the first episode of the series so far that’s really gone whole-hog into what a lot of people think of as the series’ main premise. For this whole set-up, Kodachi loves uncursed Ranma but hates Akane and cursed Ranma, Kuno loves cursed Ranma and Akane but hates uncursed Ranma, and Ryoga loves Akane and hates Ranma whether he’s cursed or not. This creates a network of alliances that all work against Ranma and Akane’s wishes. He doesn’t want to date Kodachi and Akane wants to get a victory for her school after Kodachi unfairly beat up the actual gymnastics team.

It all feels very farcical, in a good way. Throughout this rewatch, there have been times when the humor doesn’t really land for me, usually because it just gets too silly for me, if that makes any sense. But this worked perfectly, it was all very character driven while also being deeply ridiculous. Things like Kuno having the sense of mind to see that his sister is a weird one while not being cognizant of his own strangeness kind of brought it to earth in a way, and it was all just a good time.

I also quite enjoyed a lot of the animation, the changes to character designs, and the general dynamics on display. There was something weirdly smooth to how Ryoga entered Akane’s room and put his arm around Ranma’s shoulder that just felt cool to watch. The facial expressions in that scene, and throughout, were also in top form. The way he goes from clearly coming in with an ulterior motive, to revealing what he’s really up to, it all felt a little more devious than we get from Ryoga, but in a good way.

I’m not usually a big fan of leotards, but, uh, Ranma and Akane can both really rock them. (I’d also love to see uncursed Ranma in one, I’m sure his butt would look just as good.) Akane showed up to the match dressed like a ringside coach, and it just radiates powerful butch lesbian energy. The referee to the match is also dressed in a pretty masculine way, and similarly gives off wonderful vibes. Just a really aesthetically pleasing episode for me.

The pacing was also really tight. A lot of stuff got packed into the episode’s runtime, and I’d love to compare it to this section of the manga to see if that’s because it’s a particularly dense storyline or because they made the decision to just stuff the episode with as much manga as they could. We’ll get to my rating after the Character Spotlight, but this is just a treat of an episode, and one I have to say again that I wasn’t anticipating in the slightest. Major kudos to everyone who worked on this episode.

Okay, so, now let’s do a Spotlight on Kodachi. The big reason I held off on doing one last week is that her last name hadn’t been revealed, and her Kuno-ness is kind of a big part of who she is, I didn’t want to wait for the next time I decided to give her a Spotlight to cover that part of her.

Alright, so, as usual, let’s start with voice actors. In English, she actually had three different VA’s over the course of the series run. I’ve actually decided that, going forward, with cases like these I’m just going to focus on who the current voice actors are, and talk about the new ones when they appear. Her first actress in my native tongue is Teryl Rothery, who is actually more well known for her live-action work. She appears to play a main character in Stargate SG-1, which I have never seen, and has filled the role of Jean Loring in Arrow. (Which I have seen, but never noticed that Ray Palmer’s ex-wife was in the show in the seasons I saw of it.) In Japanese, she’s portrayed by Saeko Shimazu, who has actually played a role in every Rumiko Takahasi anime adaptation from that era, so that’s neat.

They definitely play the character a little differently. Shimazu is genuinely fantastic at playing Kodachi as the well known anime archetype of the Ojou. The way she does Kodachi’s laugh might be the best Ojou laugh I’ve ever heard, and she’s generally good playing the character oddly seriously. Like, if you didn’t know Kodachi was a dangerously violent person, her voice acting would just make you think she’s a soft spoken, very feminine girl. It fits her whole aesthetic really well, honestly. Rothery went in a very different direction. I feel like it’s hard to think of Kodachi as anything other than a villain in her voice, she’s more clearly malevolent, like a Sailor Moon villainess. Her version of the laugh is a lot more unhinged sounding, for lack of a more appropriate word.

That kind of leads into one thing I was kind of surprised to notice. It feels as though the Dub and Sub versions of this character differ quite a bit. In the English Dub, they frequently use words like ‘crazy’, ‘unstable’, and ‘mad’ to describe Kodachi, and in a way it kind of dominates her characterization. I’ll talk more about that in a minute, but I’ll say for now I had to sigh at those bits. But imagine my surprise to see the Sub instead talk about her being ill-mannered, stubborn, tenacious. As far as I can recall, they didn’t use any mental health-related words, instead just focusing on the idea that she will do anything to get what she wants.

This creates two fairly radically different versions of the character, at least for me. And I actually greatly prefer what I’m finding in the Sub. Kodachi there is played much more as a dark mirror to her brother. Ranma might say they’re the same, but they clearly aren’t. Kuno is a jerk, and doesn’t seem to take the objects of his affection’s input. But he also, at the very least, sees himself as honorable, a man of culture, and doesn’t seem like the type to cheat in a competition.

Kodachi has no such scruples. She is utterly ruthless, while also sadistically delighting in causing pain to other people. She is, in a way, defined by the fact that she is constantly trying to cheat, to get any victory she can, even while acting as though there’s nothing wrong with what she does, that’s she’s just a beautiful girl doing what she has to. The way they each fall in love with a different form of Ranma, while hating the other, is also a nice touch.

That was all a lot of nice stuff I said, but sadly it’s alls I gots for ya. Going back to the whole ‘crazy’ thing, that’s definitely the thing that, at least growing up, dominates her character. As far as I can recall, the fandom generally thinks of her as the ‘craziest’ of all the main cast, and that’s...not very good? I feel like, at least among some sectors of culture, we’re trying to be more aware of other people and trying to take in feedback, and ableism feels like one of the last big areas where a lot of people, even those who are otherwise far left, struggle to get past their prejudices. I’m including myself in there, I screw up all the time. But yeah, I think we need to kind of think a lot more about the ‘crazy’ tropes in media, especially the ones that associate with violence and evil characters. So far at least, I don’t really have a lot to dig into with Kodachi especially, but it’s something I’ll have in mind going forward.

The other area I feel like I have to rain on this Spotlight a little is just what Kodachi brings to the dynamic of the show. Which is mostly...not a lot. Of all the main characters who are a part of the primary love dodecahedron, she is the one who feels like could generally just not exist without impacting anything. She basically just does what Kuno does, but in the opposite direction. Ranma is going to end up with a lot of suitors, and someone else generally fills the role of ‘violent and amoral’ much better than Kodachi, plus she’ll be appearing pretty soon from where we are now. At least as of now, Kodachi is a character I find doesn’t hurt the show at all, but also doesn’t particularly make it better.

If it wasn’t clear from all the gushing before, I really liked this episode. But how much? Where does it fall among the ranks of all the episodes I’ve seen thus far? After some careful consideration, I think I’m actually going to put this at the number two spot. It really was that good, I have very little bad to say. The only reason it didn’t take the top spot is that I just love episode 7 too much. That makes the current standings:

Episode 7: Enter Ryoga, the Eternal ‘Lost Boy’

Episode 12: A Woman's Love is War! The Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics Challenge!

Episode 9: True Confessions! A Girl's Hair is Her Life!

Episode 2: School is No Place for Horsing Around

Episode 6: Akane's Lost Love... These Things Happen, You Know

Episode 8: School is a Battlefield! Ranma vs. Ryoga

Episode 11: Ranma Meets Love Head-On! Enter the Delinquent Juvenile Gymnast!

Episode 4: Ranma and...Ranma? If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

Episode 5: Love Me to the Bone! The Compound Fracture of Akane's Heart

Episode 1: Here’s Ranma

Episode 3: A Sudden Storm of Love

Episode 10: P-P-P-Chan! He's Good For Nothin'

This has been a really fun one! Next time, we’ll be covering lucky episode number 13, “A Tear in a Girl-Delinquent's Eye? The End of the Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics Challenge!”, which will also be the ending to this little arc. I’m excited to join you then, and see if that episode fulfilled the promise in this episode’s set-up! See you all then!

[soulvomit]

I feel like identifying as non-binary would totally be impossible with how my life is set up. I do business with fairly square people in my own age group and older. I'm in a heterosexual-presenting relationship with a heterosexually identified man.

In the social group I'm adjacent to that's accepting of and encouraging of non-binary identity, I'm "othered" for other reasons (being Jewish, being over 35, and actually not being geeky/fannish enough.) And I'm not androgynous the "right" way (the young, skinny, Manic Pixie Dream Person art student way) for them.

I don't know, sometimes, where I fit.

It might have been different 20 years ago when I was mostly among LGBTQ people, except *then* I wondered if I was trans (possibly because this conversation was just not happening yet).

Even then, I wasn't gender non-conforming in the *right* ways. I wasn't a butch lesbian with a nonetheless homosocial social setup, who prioritized women in every part of my life. I was a snarky bisexual computer nerd who had mostly male friends and liked lots of "guy" media. I felt pressure to identify as lesbian from my 20s, believe it or not, mostly for the sake of the comfort of women - especially my male friends' spouses and partners - but also because of the "sibling" dynamic I had with *men* and not wanting to give that up in order to date them.

One reason I didn't date much is because it was a confusing mess and being in *any* relationships, fucked with my sense of identity and self, even though I've no desire to change my body or dress like a man. I dated a lot of guys in my teens but had fucked up dynamics with them, because I wasn't the kind of woman they were expected to be with by their entire social world. Whenever a guy liked me, he also expected to change me. It was just constantly humiliating and debasing and I got sick of it and preferred a sibling dynamic with men. But then I discovered that I wasn't womaning right for lesbian and even bi women, either. Whenever anyone did like me it so often conflicted with their assumptions about themselves and their sexual orientation and *that* got old quickly.

For a long time, my gender was my job, as long as I picked the right job. I couldn't do front-facing service jobs without being nitpicked to death about gender conformity stuff and I wish people understood that this is not about how one wears their hair. It's about stuff like facial expressions, body movements, how one speaks, etc, and when you're a woman who isn't gender conforming then you risk being seen as uncooperative/unlikable. My voice was nitpicked to death. It's a reason I thought I had Asperger's for a long time.

What helped was discovering that I got on better in environments where women are allowed to have a "serious" persona. Computers in the 90s, were a great environment. But a big reason I couldn't go back in, is because of the MPDG persona being so compulsory among women geeks/nerds now in ways that it wasnt in the 90s, and it being reeeeeally amplified in nerdy/geeky environments. The one environment I was accepted in, I now feel chased out of. I feel like I'm supposed to have a bright hair color, giggle a lot, talk like I've been sucking helium, and bounce around like I drank 4 Rockstar drinks. (Has anyone considered that this is ageist, btw, and an ageist performance that's required of lots of LGBTQ people and women in some environments, but *not* cis men, *ever?* In every environment I've been in where this is expected, cis men got to just be reserved dudes in polo shirts. There is NO unmarked manner of presentation for any other group. Maybe I'll even venture as far as to say cis het men.)

Another great environment was health because tbh I experience much less of the skin crawling in very ethnically and socially diverse spaces, less being held to one specific (white, upper middle class) behavioral standard. The women I did work with in those spaces? Super down to earth, we got along great! I could be a totally serious person. The requirements for being seen as nice and likable as a woman in health care are different from the requirements in customer service. Also: SCRUBS AND UNIFORMS. Some women wear hypergendered scrubs, but I could wear black, tan, or blue and it wasn't a big deal because plenty of women wore those, too. It was the only space where there was actually a gender neutral standard of any kind.

I'm in art now and it's a *major* cause of absolute skin crawling discomfort, because male artists can look like anything but there's a *very* gendered performance that's popular with female artists - the young manic pixie dream girl with a high voice.

And I have to market *myself* which is filling me with absolute dread.

I want to disappear from the world, I can't just be in the world as myself as any kind of public figure (and I can't just be in the world as myself anymore, anyway, because of the social space I now move in. At least business clothes and business spaces give me a way to make my private self private, because of weird social rules around people in business dress and business spaces. A businessperson or professional is allowed to be impersonal and have a closely guarded private self, to a much greater degree.)

[amarauder]

the adventures of captain bubbles ♆ percy jackson x reader

                               001. the adventures of captain bubbles

pairing; percy jackson x reader

request; Percy and (Y/N) were dating but Hera took Percy's memory and all he remembered was (Y/N). (Y/N) kept searching with Annabeth for Percy. It was obvious to everyone but Percy that Annabeth liked him but respects his choice of him liking (Y/N), so she doesn't try to break them up and actually ships it a LOT. Percy goes through all the stuff in the book, meets (Y/N) again, regains his memory then The End.

date; Febuary, 11th 2019

word count; 7603

warning; lots and lots of angst, kissing, er i don't know. mentions of death-but wrongly accused? i don't know. you'll see.

a/n; i am so incredibly sorry for how long this took. you literally requested this seven months ago-more than a half of a year. i feel so so bad. so i tried extremely hard on this one in order to kind of make up for it. i hope you like it. if not i am very willing to rewrite it or change anything you want to. :)

trailer; in which a girl's boyfriend goes missing leaving her to pick up the clues to his disappearance.

requested by;

-

The girl's face was pale as she walked through the Camp. Everything looked just as she remembered it but it seemed different somehow. There were still children running around with glee splashed across their spaces along with strawberry juice dripping down their chins but the air seemed tense as if everyone was waiting for someone to ruin something. It reminded her of last Summer.

She felt her car keys bounce in the pocket of her army green cargo pants as she walked towards the Big House. Annabeth had written her demanding that she come to Camp immediately and meet with the rest of the Head Counselors. Y/N had obliged knowing Annabeth's temper, besides it wasn't like she had been planning on coming within the next month, she had already packed as she was going to leave within the next week.

A small laugh escaped Y/N's lips when she made eye contact with Clarisse and her siblings. They were currently bullying a poor child into giving her their money. The daughter of Hermes would have felt grim at the sight of the scene but after knowing Clarisse for years she didn't care anymore. But it didn't mean Y/N wouldn't try and distract her friend.

"Oi, big lump!" Y/N called, her footsteps increasing as she got closer. Clarisse spun around with a shrewd look in her eye just as she knew she would. Y/N watched her search for her next culprit before stopping at her form, a small smirk formed as she held in a laugh.

Clarrise rolled her eyes at Y/N and grumbled, "I should have known it was you." The girl walked over to Y/N and held out her hand. Y/N was slightly surprised at the gesture as she had been expecting a punch on the arm for insulting her. But Y/N shook it off and finished off the Camp's handshake with ease.

Y/N noticed Clarisse shoo her goonies away-who probably went to go mess with that poor child again-and scrutinize her face with purpose as if looking for any kind of feeling but happiness. When she found none Clarisse looked at her with a sadness that made a pit form in the bottom of her stomach. She hated it, the disgusting feeling almost as if she was going to throw up at any moment but her tummy wouldn't give her the satisfaction of doing so.

"What's wrong, La Rue." Y/N said after a while. She couldn't handle the silent but purposeful look every few seconds anymore.

"Nothing, nothing is wrong." Y/N rolled her eyes at her friend and gave Clarisse a harsh look. Surprisingly, she looked away with a guilty look. Y/N let herself start to worry after that. Clarisse was acting completely out of character which only meant one thing; something was seriously wrong. "Let's just walk a little faster. I don't want to be late for the meeting."

Y/N snorted from behind her friend, "Since when were you ever worried about being late when it didn't consist of Capture the Flag?" Clarisse didn't answer Y/N.

The rest of the walk to the Big House was silent and left Y/N restless, wanting to know what was causing Clarisse to act more sinister than usual. "So," Y/N started as the door hit from behind them, "How's everything been going with Chris?"

"Shut your trap, L/N."

"So, it's going well then." Y/N grinned and pickpocketed a pile of dramachas on a random wooden table. Clarisse didn't answer her again and instead made their presence known to the rest of the Head Counselors.

While Clarisse was making her usual ruckus, Y/N glanced around the room. Her eyes traveled around looking for a special sixteen-year-old boy named Perseus Jackson. Instead of finding him, her eyes landed on her two troublesome brothers. They were both grinning mechanically and for a split second, she was distracted by nervousness.

"Stolen anything recently, sister?" one of the twins snickered.

Y/N laughed and rolled her eyes, "Not since I learned that the phrase 'ignore it and it will go away' does not apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars."

"Wow," Y/n decided it was Travis. He was the only Stoll who had freckles over his left eyebrow bone. "Twelve cop cars, you special little thing."

"Stuff it, Trav-"

"It's Connor."

Y/N smiled sheepishly and would have apologized if she hadn't been interrupted by her dear friend Annabeth. Her stern glare pierced through Y/N leaving her more than a little shocked. It had been a while since she had been on the receiving end of Annabeth's famous death glare. Y/N bit the inside of her cheek and looked away, everyone had been acting weirdly since she got to Camp. Clarisse was looking at her like she was about to break any second, Annabeth seemed like she wanted to murder Y/N, even her brothers were even acting nicer than normal. It was weird but before Y/N could voice her thoughts, Annabeth had started the meeting.

"Chiron had given Butch and me permission to leave the Camp to greet two demigods and a supposed special surprise that is supposed to help us find P-"

"Chase!" Clarisse snapped from next to Lee Fletcher, Y/N had almost jumped out of her seat from her booming voice, "She doesn't know yet."

Y/N watched the exchange with curious eyes that quickly turned into wide, embarrassed peepers. [lol, I couldn't say eyes again bc it sounded terrible. so peepers it is-i'm not saying hues. I did that before when I was younger and never again will I use that word.] Unfortunately, it was a bit intimidating to have all of Camp Half-Blood's most powerful campers waiting to see a reaction out of Y/N. "Y/N is also in the room and would like to remind everyone of that." Y/N said, "She would also like to add that she wants to know what is going on and doesn't like gossiping."

Annabeth went silent after Y/N's comment and shared a look with Clarisse. Analyzing the situation more, Y/N realized it must be bad if no one would tell her. Suddenly, Y/N had a thought that made her entire body shiver. "Kronos isn't back, is he?"

The majority of the counselors laughed at the absurdity of the question and shook their heads making Y/N sigh in relief, but Annabeth wouldn't even break a smile which only made Y/N more worried.

When everyone calmed down, everyone except Chiron had arrived and it was quiet. Almost too quiet. No one said a word as they looked at her but she could all see the sadness in their eyes. Katie had her mouth covered until she stood up and walked over to her. It was a bit awkward since she had never been close to the girl and making Travis move only made it worse. Surprisingly, she took her hand and lead her over to sit between her and Clarisse, never once letting go of her hand. As time moved on, Y/N started to wonder if Katie had somehow developed a crush on her, but she shook the thought away after making a joke about it, "Katie, you're a nice girl and all but I don't feel that way about you."

Katie snorted and gave Y/N a light shove after letting go of her hand, "Fine, if you are that weirded out by physical contact, I won't touch you again."

Y/N grinned and relaxed, stretching her legs out in front of her before remembering the situation she was stuck in and quickly curled herself back into her original tense position. "Again, what's going on?"

Y/N looked around the room, trying to figure out who was missing. The only missing person seemed to be Percy and Chiron. But Percy wasn't supposed to be at Camp until next week. Even though she knew that fact, an uneasy feeling settled into her chest, worrying her instantly. Her gut had always been right.

"Where's Chiron?" She needed someone to answer at least one of her questions.

"He's on his way," Clarisse told her. Y/N scrunched her lips together in frustration. If Chiron was the only one allowed to give her answers then why couldn't he hurry up? The centaur had known Y/N for more than half of her life, yet he couldn't bother to think that she would be uneasy about this whole meeting-especially with everyone still looking at her with sympathetic gazes.

"Can someone please tell me what's going on?" Y/N whispered into the silence of the room. Katie put her hand on top of hers again but didn't say anything. When Chiron finally arrived, Y/N was done waiting for an answer as her patience had completely dwindled. She stood up quickly and rushed over to Chiron with shocking ferocity.

"What's going on? I want to know right now!" Chiron faced her, his eyes avoiding hers for a second. "Chiron please, Everyone else seems to know exactly what is going on, why isn't anyone telling me..." Realization suddenly hit Y/N, Percy had called her last Monday letting her know that he would be arriving earlier that week. She remembered the soothing sound of his voice telling her how much he missed her and couldn't wait to see her. She had made him promise that he would wait for her at the front of the Camp. Piecing all the clues together, her mind immediately went for the worst. The knowledge seemed to have struck her in the face, buried itself in the pit of her stomach, and pierced her heart as she shook her head slowly. "No...no."

"Y/N-" Chiron began but Y/N refused to hear any of it.

"NO!" She grabbed at her hair, covering her ears. "Don't you dare tell me, don't you dare say it!"

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. We don't know how it happened."

"NO! NO! NO!" She screeched at him. Connor went to grab at her arm, but she snatched it away, glaring at Chiron. "It's not true! It's not true! Tell me it's not true!"

Connor took a full step forward and caught Y/N as she fell to her knees breaking into a full cry. "It can't be true... Percy can't be dead. I don't believe you. I don't-" Y/N tried to push away but Connor wouldn't let her go-in shock of what she had interpreted.

"He's not dead, Y/N," Connor said meeting eye contact with Chiron who was also looking at Y/N with confused eyes.

Y/N looked up with a distraught look settled on her features. She studied him for a moment before shaking him with an angry scowl, "You better not be joking, Stoll or I swear to Hera I will-"

"He's not joking," Annabeth said interrupting Y/N in her trance-like state. Annabeth came over and kneeled next to Y/N who breathed out in a sigh of relief before sobbing into her shoulder. Y/N felt a surge of emotions as she cried, relief, happiness, and worry being the front-runners. She was so incredibly relieved and happy her boyfriend wasn't dead but she was scared for what was actually going on. She had a feeling it still had to do with Percy as they hadn't realized what she was crying about until later. Although, at the moment she was completely content knowing he was alive and hopefully healthy.

♆ ♆ ♆

She felt useless, completely and utterly useless. There was a sense of denial for the first few months. Y/N could only hope that Percy had moved to another country and had been too cowardly to break up with her. But even that sounded ridiculous to Y/N, she knew Percy was anything but a coward. Stupid at times maybe, but certainly not a coward.

With a flip of her hair, Y/N tied the strands into a ponytail. She was getting ready to start some of the Summer homework that she had been assigned last week. Y/N knew most people wouldn't even look at the work that early in their break but Y/N liked to get things done early despite what everyone thought.

"Hey," Someone said from behind Y/N, she looked over her shoulder as she was placing a headphone in to see Annabeth.

"Hi."

Y/N felt the bed dip and assumed it was the girl she had seen come in earlier, "How are you holding up?"

"I'm... I don't even know, Annie. It's rather weird it's like I keep expecting him to walk in at any given moment and act like we used to but I keep having to remind myself he's not here. I just feel like there is something I should be doing about this but there is nothing. You all already sent many search parties and no one has found him. To be honest, I am starting to get worried. It's just there is a very big possibility that he could be..." Y/N took in a deep breath and tightened her hands around the comforter, "gone and that is what scares me the most."

Annabeth nodded silently, "I know you probably don't want to hear this but I know how you feel."

"Annie, it's fine. You are best friends just because you had a crush on him when you were younger doesn't mean anything."

Annabeth looked away from Y/N. She didn't know how to break it to one of her best friends that she still had a crush on her boyfriend. She knew she was going to have to say something to her eventually but now was not the time. Especially since she thought Percy and Y/N were one of the cutest couples at Camp and she didn't want to be the person who ruined that. Annabeth knew both Y/N and Percy would agree to break up to help ease their friend's pain but she also knew it wouldn't be fair for them to be suffering by silently pinning after each other.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this serious before, Captain Bubbles." Y/N cringed at the terrible nickname, Percy had nicknamed her that after he realized that she knew how to sail and because she apparently reminded him of a pirate. She still didn't really understand the bubbles or the pirate part for that matter but Y/N just decided to roll with it. "I remember when Grover thought of the name. We had been looking for you two when we found you and Percy on the docks. I still hadn't liked you then and Grover had said something about you two would look good together." Annabeth said with a laugh, "I was pissed after that comment and had said you would be a great pirate and Grover declared your ship name would be Captain Bubbles. I don't remember how it became a nickname but."

"Oh, I thought Percy had thought of the name, but that's a rather odd way to gain a nickname."

"I know," Annabeth nodded, "But umm, Chiron said we are going to pick up some demigods later today if you are free then. It will be just me, you, and Butch."

"Butch from the Iris Cabin?" Y/N asked not looking up from her work. Annabeth nodded and stood up to leave, "What time are we going?"

"At Three, don't be late." Y/N heard the door shut behind Annabeth as she quickly jotted down 3 PM - picking up demigods on a bright pink sticky note. Pasting it in her Planner, she didn't hear Annabeth come back in quickly.

"Hey, Argus is looking for you."

"Oh! I completely forgot! Thanks, Annie."

"Where are you going?" Annabeth asked, hanging around the door for a little bit longer. She watched Y/N hurriedly grab all of her stuff and throw it into a bag. She wondered how Y/N was so level headed about the situation she was stuck in if Annabeth had been in Y/N's place she didn't know what she would have done. Annabeth knew she would certainly be a little more productive in trying to find Percy, but Annabeth also knew that Chiron had instructed Y/N not to go looking for Percy. It was a good thing Annabeth was a little pushier than Y/N.

"I'm visiting Sally Jackson."

♆ ♆ ♆

Y/N's fingers drummed on her thigh slowly as she waited for Sally to open the front door. She didn't quite understand why she had so much more energy than normal, she knew she shouldn't be nervous over something as stupid as visiting her Boyfriend's Mother. But she couldn't help be worried that Sally might blame Y/N for her Son's disappearance or even worse, she might not know about it yet.

At that final thought, Y/N almost turned around but decided against it when the door opened and she made eye contact with Sally Jackson. The woman looked a little bit beat up, more tired than normal but the second she saw Y/N her face lit up. She was still in her work outfit leaving Y/N to wonder if she had arrived too early. She hadn't wanted Sally to not have a break after her exhausting work.

Silently, Sally's arm lifted up to give Y/N a hug. Y/N closed the hold quickly. It felt good to be in held into a true embrace, not one that was forced out of pity or because the person felt the need too. But Y/N knew that Sally was feeling the same pain as she was which was enough to let Y/N relax into the warm hug.

"I'm so sorry, Sally. I would have come earlier-I just found out yesterday and-"

"It's alright, Y/N. Come in, I'll make some Hot Chocolate and Blue Cookies. How does that sound?"

"It sounds lovely, Mrs.Jackson. Thank you for having me."

"Now, now, what have I told you about calling me Mrs.Jackson?"

"Sorry, Sally."

A half an hour later, Y/N was sitting on the countertop listening to Sally as she sipped on hot chocolate.

"Then, in the bath, he would move the water back and forth until it would spill over and of course, right after, he would be in a fit of giggles. Teachers told me they have never met such an energized kid before-especially such a naughty one too."

Y/N laughed into her own cup, looking at Sally with mirth in her eyes. "My younger sister is quite a handful too. She has a very bad habit of getting lost all the time. I'm pretty sure she had even gotten lost in her own school once."

Sally laughed, grabbing an oven mitt and pulling the cookies out of the oven. "How do you do that?"

"That's what I said, not to mention that she had been going there for several years now. She's in Sixth Grade at the moment, I'm a bit worried about her going into middle school. Zeus knows how lost she will get there."

"She's in her Sixth Year already? My, my does time fly by. I can't believe how old she is."

Y/N shrugged and took a sip of her Hot Cocoa before answering, "I suppose. I haven't really thought about it. She is starting to look rather like an old woman though."

Sally rolled her eyes with a laugh and placed a plate of cookies in front of her. A small smile made it's way onto Y/N's face as Deja Vu washed over her. The smell of the stupid cookies was the same scent Percy seemed to obtain whenever she hugged him. She knew she usually would have loved the smell and would secretly take in deep breaths to feel as if she were in his arms again. But instead, she felt sick to her stomach like how a small child would feel when knowing they were seconds away from getting grounded by their parents.

"I have got to use the restroom, Y/N." Sally said, "I'll be right back."

Y/N nodded and picked at her cookie, it tasted the same as always. The mouthwatering taste of chocolate overwhelmed Y/N's senses as she eyed a photo on the wall. She was rather surprised it was there. She had thought Gods weren't able to be in pictures. But she had thought wrong, there standing side by side were Poseidon and Sally. They seemed to be laughing at something and before Y/N knew it a small smile landed on her face, Sally looked completely content with Poseidon at her side. Something Y/N hadn't seen in a while, a feeling she hadn't seen on Sally's face since Percy had been back at home.

Y/N pursed her lips, it must have been hard having a child that's a demigod. But at least Sally had tried, her Mother had not. Proving her unhealthy mental state further, Y/N shrugged to herself as if she had been narrating her own story. Her unstableness only seemed to get worse as she felt as if someone was staring at her when it was only the cookies. She had two more on her plate and she was painfully brought back to memories of Percy eating two or three of them. She tapped her thumb on the counter, debating if she should eat another one. She decided too. After all, it was what Percy would have done and Y/N found that doing what he would have done lessened the pain of his absence.

♆ ♆ ♆

"Oh, shut up, doggo. You're only making this situation worse."

"I still don't get the nickname."

"Seriously?" Y/N asked in disbelief, "I've been calling you that since we were thirteen."

"I know."

"Have you ever seen Tom and Jerry?" Y/N asked sneaking a glance at him from the corner of her eye, as she steered the Chariot a little more towards the left. Judging by the look of his face, it looked like he hadn't seen the hilarious cartoon making Y/N feel a little bit of pity for the boy. But it went away soon after. Y/N started to wonder if she had been spending too much time with Clarisse. "Anyway, there's a dog named Butch in the Cartoon. When you first said your name, that's the first thing that came to mind. So now, I call you doggo or puppers. I like them both."

"Whatever, Speedy Gonzalez," Butch said sticking his tongue out at her.

Y/N laughed, "You really are still bent out of shape from that stupid race."

"You tripped me! I should have won!"

"Now, now, puppers. Don't go all Rottweiler on me."

"Hey," Annabeth said, interrupting Butch and Y/N from their 'conversation', "We are about to land. I would appreciate it if you both would shut up and concentrate on the landing. I really don't want to die today."

"Ay Aye, Princess." Y/N said doing a mock salute. Annabeth narrowed her eyes at Y/N making her turn around in pure terror before turning back to Butch, "How's my first mate doing?"

Butch rolled his eyes and nudged her in the hip, "I'll take it from here, Y/N. Go sit with Annie."

"It's Captain Bubbles to you."

"The name's Bond, James Bond," Y/N said holding her hand out towards the stocky blonde, "I'm Sherlock's Newest Assistant. My current mission is figuring out the mysterious disappearance of Shark Doodoo."

Butch rolled his eyes, "Ignore her. She's been affected by his disappearance too."

Y/N scoffed, "I've always been like this, Doggo. that's something we should all know by now. Now onto important matters, any leads, Puppers? They seem like suitable witnesses." Y/N said eyeing the blonde and brunette respectively.

"I'm Piper Mclean." The only girl said in the group. Y/N offered her a grin which she returned.

"Jason."

"Nice to meet you, Just Jason. Where's the third one?" Y/N asked, turning to Annabeth, "Weren't we supposed to pick up three demigods?"

"Yes, and Hedge."

Y/N felt her eyebrows raise to her hairline, Y/N hadn't seen the Saytr anywhere. Thankfully, Butch had seemed to have developed mind-reading powers overnight and had been brave enough to voice his opinion out loud. Y/N didn't like to listen to Annabeth's lectures, they bored her to death. It didn't matter how close of a friendship they had, Y/N never had the attention span to listen to 'authority', "Hedge? Are you sure? I don't see the tiny goat anywhere but I do see the other demigod."

"Now, now, you know the correct term, Doggo. Don't want Sage hearing you say that."

"For Iris' Sake, Y/N. Sage isn't my girlfriend."

"I never said she was." Y/N said with a smirk and her hands up in a surrender position. Y/N watched Butch growl under his breath, he looked close to losing it making Y/N worry a little bit. Maybe she should take down the teasing a notch.

Thankfully, it seemed Piper had also sensed the tension between Y/N and the son of Iris as she had mentioned that no one had gotten Leo, the other demigod. Thankfully, Butch had volunteered to grab him letting him cool off. Y/N followed Annabeth, Piper, and Jason into the Chariot as she listened to Jason's Point of View for the past hour. By the end, Y/N had only realized one detail from his story. He and Annabeth were going to get along very well.

"Wait," Piper said. "So, what's your name again?"

"Y/N, Y/N L/N." She said, mimicking the same extravagated James Bond impression she had done earlier. Piper nodded, her lips perking up as she took a seat next to Jason, Y/N smiled softly at them. They reminded her of her younger self and Percy. They looked so clueless but confident in each other-well, Piper did. The blonde haired boy just looked rather confused. If she didn't have a memory of anything like he did, Y/N guessed she would be acting the same, maybe even a bit worse.

Annabeth had seemed to break a new record in somehow digging herself into an even worse mood after she found out Coach had gotten himself sucked up into the Sky. She had snapped at poor Leo many times and she glowered at anyone in her path. By the time they got back to Camp, it seemed Annabeth had yelled at everyone on the carriage for just existing. Butch had explained the Percy situation with detail and how it could possibly be affecting Annabeth. But Y/N couldn't help but wonder why Annabeth would care so much about a person she pretended to dislike half of the time, especially enough to put in a bad mood when they didn't find him.

If anyone should be pissed off, it should be Y/N.

Y/N's fingers tapped against the edge of the Chariot in rhythm with a song stuck in her head, it had been silent for a few minutes now. Annabeth had been extra harsh when she snapped at the curly haired boy for apparently being too loud.

Even though Y/N hated the way Annabeth was treating everyone, she was relieved that there was finally silence throughout the carriage. She enjoyed listening to the rustling winds against her ears, it had always been relaxing to her. It reminded her of riding Blackjack with Percy. Suddenly, a thought occurred to her, why hadn't they thought about using Blackjack?

Sitting up very quickly, she saw herself grab the others' attention including a rather annoyed Annabeth. However, before she could snap at Y/N, Y/N quickly brought up her idea, "Do you think Blackjack could bring us to Percy?"

Annabeth had almost accidentally turned the entire Chariot over in excitement.

♆ ♆ ♆

Y/N was up in the air again. Although this time, Y/N felt her stomach turn from bubbling pits of excited nerves. According to Annabeth, they had been getting closer and closer to Percy for the past few days. Y/N didn't know if she was right, but Blackjack seemed to get more and more restless as the days passed and Y/N was hoping it was from the excitement of getting closer and closer to his "boss". It had been years since Y/N found out that Blackjack called Percy 'boss' but it was still one of the funniest things she had heard in her life.

Annabeth and Y/N had been traveling for weeks,  flying on horseback to look for the man known as Seaweed Brain. It had been rather tiring in Y/N's opinion but she knew it would be all worth it in the end.

"Hey," Annabeth said urging her flying horse towards Blackjack, "We are almost in California."

Y/N perked up at that, she had never been to California. She knew Annabeth used to live there before she ran away with Luke and Thalia and that a lot of monsters lived there. But at the same time, the monster may have just been in San Francisco. Y/N's jaw clenched as freezing clouds blew through her hair, at first feeling the puffy material is interesting and delightful but later on, Y/N realized it's only delightful if it's warm and if she hadn't been blowing through clouds the entire day.

A feeling of unsettlement washed through her as her thoughts poked at her fragile feelings. They were almost in California which meant they which meant they were running out of land to search for Percy. Sometimes Y/N regretted being a hopeful person, she seemed to always be disappointed and it was starting to get depressing.

"Stop looking so depressed, we'll find him," Annabeth promised. Y/N started to wonder if being able to read minds was a power you got when you were a child of Athena.

"I've never been more thankful for you always being right." Annabeth laughed but it was cut short from a choke like a gasp as her flying horse started to buck and wiggle around. Annabeth hung on tight resembling a bullfighter which contrasted greatly with her very unadventurous personality. Y/N tried to move Blackjack towards Annabeth but he wouldn't budge if anything it felt like he was moving backward. Y/N didn't even know horses could fly backward, she thought only hummingbirds could do that.

That thought was quickly lost in the abyss of her short term memory as she stared in front of her. With an increasing acceleration, a huge boat was flying towards them. Y/N felt her hands grip Blackjack's mane tighter and tighter as her heart raced in panic. If they didn't move soon, they would be squished by the giant thing.

"Annabeth!" Y/N screamed over the whistling of the wind coming from the stupid boat. "We need to move!"

Annabeth turned to look at the h/c haired girl and somehow managed to glare at her despite her current situation. "Shut up, L/N! Can you not see I am a little busy here?"

Y/N rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath, "Well, don't go haunting after me once you've died." Blackjack whinnied from under her and Y/N looked down to see them moving towards the crazy horse and Annabeth. "Blackjack, what are you doing, you crazy horse!"

Blackjack didn't seem to like that very much and did an experimental twirl in the air as if to say, 'Watch your mouth, lady. I could very much be like my friend over there." Y/N decided to ignore Blackjack's imaginary comment and instead scooted back until she was on the edge of his hide. She was not planning on getting hit by some crazy horse or a jerking Annabeth. How was that girl still alive? Let alone the fact that she was still on the horse? Blackjack whinnied once more and nudged the horse with his nose. Y/N rolled her eyes, no wonder Blackjack choose Percy as his owner. They both acted the same, reckless but somehow lucky.

"Annabeth, are you alright?"

"Yes, I am fine." She said and shakily straightened out her outfit, "Maybe I should have listened to you about taking the car."

Y/N laughed at the absurdity of Annabeth's comment, "That's what you are thinking about right now?"

Annabeth shrugged, "That's what Percy would have said." Y/N went silent after that and looked towards the boat that seemed to be getting closer and closer as they floated. Y/N was sort of confused as to why she wasn't nervous about the boat. It was flying in the freaking sky but she didn't really care. It sort of looked familiar to her but Y/N couldn't think why it did. "Why were you so nervous about the boat?"

"Umm, Annie, in case you haven't noticed it's flying, something boats aren't made to do."

"It's the Argo the Second, genius." Realization washed over her like a wave crashing onto a dock, vigorously and dismayed. Annabeth and Y/N had been Iris Messaging Clarisse and Nico back and forth to keep in contact for any recent news, a week or two ago they had received some interesting news from them. Clarisse, the obvious sympathizer of the pair, [i'm being sarcastic by the way] had broken the news of the new Prophecy. It had hit Y/N hard. She didn't know if she could stand another war, another round of losing people she loved. The only good part of the situation was that it gave her hope that Percy was alive. After all, who would be a better hero to close the Doors of Death than Percy?

However, Y/N wouldn't be joining them on the quest. Something that scared Y/N, how was she going to be able to take care of Percy when he was going to be Hermes' knows where?

The Giant Ship slowed down next to them, giving them a good view of who was inside. Piper, Jason, and Leo were aboard the ship looking mighty pleased with themselves, especially when they made eye contact with the girls; well, Leo was. "Annabeth? Y/N L/N! Where have you been, Captain Bubbles! We've missed you!"

"Wow, don't I feel so loved," Annabeth grumbled from beside Y/N.  Blackjack seemed to want to rest immediately, he had sailed over to the deck of the ship way to quickly and had almost forced Y/N off his back due to a rather jerky landing. Leo helped her down as fast as he could, then quickly enveloped her in a hug. Y/N returned it just as tight and looked at her friend with a grin, "How's my muchacha?"

Later on that day, Y/N found herself alone on the edge of the deck. It was near sunset time and the wind was comfortably rustling her hair, a stark contrast to the sharp wind that felt like tiny needles ripping apart your face and disheveling her hair into painful knots.

A long sigh escaped her lips as she rested her head against the edge of the warship. She was alone for the first time in a while, Y/N had forgotten how important it was to develop this habit every day. She would escape time with Percy once and a while, usually it was more calming with him as long as he sat in silence. But that didn't happen most of the time.

Y/N missed Percy immensely, it had been a long few months without him and now when she knew she was so near. She could hardly wait.

Earlier that day, Jason had broken the news that they had an idea where Percy might be. So far, all of Y/N's theories were pointing positively towards Camp Jupiter. Blackjack had been flying in the direction of Camp Jupiter, thankfully they were rather close to the sight. Jason had been thrown to Camp Half-Blood with a lost memory and Y/N had a feeling Percy was having a similar experience. Which had brought on unnecessary worries, Y/N was scared that Percy might have forgotten her. She didn't want to think about what would happen if he had forgotten her. How would she be able to react to that? She knew she would try to help him remember her, but Y/N knew it wouldn't be the same-especially if he didn't love her back.

She shivered at the pure thought of the loss of Percy's love. She knew she would be heartbroken for Hermes' knows how long. The situation would only be worse with him absent from her life, going on a life-threatening Quest.

Instantaneously, Festus blew fire from his mouth breaking Y/N from her thoughts. She turned to look at the dragon only be in a rather awkward position with Leo. Nose to nose, Leo pulled back with a smirk, "You're a nice girl and all Y/N but I don't feel that way about you, Y/N." Y/N threw her head back in laughter, it felt good to laugh after so many depressing thoughts. "We are here, Y/N."

Y/N's eyes widened as she took the information in slowly, she was going to see Percy after many long months. Out of excitement, Y/N stood up too suddenly and hit her head against a rather thick beam that held up a part of the sail.

Leo cringed at the sound, shutting his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. His eyebrows scrunched together as he looked around worriedly, she was nowhere to be seen. That was until Annabeth screamed at him and picked up Y/N's limp body from the ground.

♆ ♆ ♆

Pain.

It was the first thing she felt, the first thing Y/N seemed to have registered, and she had yet to even open her eyes. It seemed like a continuation of the last thing she remembered, but this time it was dull and widespread rather than sharp and acute.

She was on a bed, Y/N could feel it. Something warm enveloped her, most likely a blanket. There was a very muffled scraping and banging in the background, something that reminded her of Y/N's Mother's adventures in the kitchen back home. If it weren't for the dull ache in her skull and the itchiness of a bandage, she would have presumed everything that happened to be a dream.

All of this Y/N registered with her eyes still closed.

She decided to open them then, too curious to withhold it any longer. Her eyelids were heavy with exhaustion as she pried them open, despite having the feeling that a long time had passed when she was asleep. She blinked a few times to let her vision clear. She was indeed on a bed, indeed covered with the softest blanket she had ever felt. The room wasn't too large or too small. It was very cozy, however, dim sunlight poured in from the frost covered window, the rest of the light coming from a roaring fire to her right. There was a glass of water on the bedside table which she eagerly gulped down. A chair sat at the edge of the bed, a smaller blanket draped over it. Someone had been sitting with Y/N. A pair of fuzzy slippers still sat at the chair's legs.

She slowly shifted her legs to the edge, reaching to place her feet in the slippers. They were way too big for you, but they had to do. As she moved, Y/N felt her cranium constricted with what felt like bandages over her hair. The questions in her mind got louder.

Surely, she wasn't captured. If Y/N had been, she would either be dead or kept in a condition worse than death. This environment looked like something out of a movie. Above her rippled a colossal white sheet that was balancing between four wooden beams. In front of her was the crashing waves that reeked of comfortable familiarity.

It was harder to stand up than she had thought. Her legs were wobbly, probably from disuse. How long had she been out? Y/N dragged her feet towards the door. Every step was an effort since her crown still hurt, and she had to hold her arms out to steady yourself.

Y/N was only halfway across the room when someone entered. Her heartbeat sped up as soon as it did, and she immediately knew who it was.

His raven hair was disheveled beyond belief, considering how particular he was about his hair. The shirt he had on him was wrinkled, and you knew he probably hadn't changed in days. The exhaustion on his face was almost pitiful when he turned around to face her, yet he was still a sight for sore eyes.

He gasped in surprise to not only find Y/N out of bed but mere feet away from him. He recoiled slightly at the change but immediately stepped towards her afterward, speaking before Y/N even registered his presence.

"You shouldn't be out of bed! Took us ages to get the wounds to start closing, you'll open them up again." He was next to you then. "C'mon, back to bed."

She took a sharp breath as his hand came in contact with her side, skin erupting in a burning fire. He froze too, and she knew he felt it. Y/N hadn't been near Percy in almost half a year, maybe more since she didn't know how long she had been knocked unconscious. This was the first conscious touch in a long time. And it felt magical.

His hand moved further down until it reached the small of her back. He applied slight pressure, making Y/N move closer to him. Her shaky hands found his chest, traveling upward to his shoulders and behind his neck. Percy didn't hesitate before connecting their lips.

It felt as good as the first one. No, it felt better. She couldn't help but moan out loud at the feeling of his lips lapping at her own, his tongue entering her mouth. Her fingers found his hair, tugging it in a way she knew he loved. Their bodies were flush together now. She could feel every shift in his muscles. His hands were soft against the bandages on her hair, and it reminded her of the million questions she had. Reluctantly she pulled away.

He almost whined at the loss, making Y/N smile slightly. She watched as he forced his eyes open to look into her own, and she felt her body relax into his, a familiar serenity taking over her. A feeling she had craved for so long.

"Percy," His eyes fell shut again at the sound of her voice saying his name, his forehead coming down to rest onto her shoulder. She let him hold her to himself, enjoying his touch like the drug that it was.

"What happened?" She finally whispered, hands moving over his shoulder blades, feeling them relax under her touch. He shook his head and buried himself deeper into her body, his own shaking.

"Gods, I missed you so much," he whispered, his voice was chalky and cracking every now and then. It made Y/N nervous. What had happened to her or worse, what had happened while she was knocked out?

"Hey now," Y/N started to stroke his back softly, "I'm here, Perce. Just calm down and then let's talk, ya?"

His grip tightened on her before he sighed and finally let himself sink into her as he nodded. Y/N let him hold her for a while as she basked a little longer in his touch.

The story of every event from that night onward was a shocking one. Percy had snuck Y/N onto the Argo the second with them, claiming he needed her if he was going to go the quest with them. Along the way, Y/N and Percy had somehow ended up in Tartarus and she had apparently almost died there. She had been asleep for the entire rest of the Quest, including the second Giant War.

Percy let them bask in silence for a while, he knew it was a lot to take in-especially since she didn't remember anything.

"I love you," Y/N whispered as she took Percy's hands in her own, she had realized it when he was gone for so long and she had been reminded of it when he whispered it into her hair creating a warmth shiver over her body when she was asleep.

"Mmm," Percy hummed capturing her in his arms once more, "I love you so much, Captain Bubbles."

[forgetmenotsandroses]

The Now

Carry On Countdown: WLW

Summary: Trixie and Keris are huge canonical lesbians thank u for coming to my ted talk.

Dedicated to @slightlystalesushirolls ily💕

•••

Trixie laughs way too hard at Keris’ jokes and hates herself for it. Even though pixie laughs sound like tinkling bells, Trixie’s human mother ensures that hers is more akin to a braying donkey than delicate silver. But Trixie is trying so hard to be delicate. And pretty and sweet and soft. Because Keris seems like she might be into the whole femme thing. Most butch girls aren’t looking for a super androgynous mate, right?

So Trixie tries. Again and again. How can she be more perfect, more appealing? She tries to be more masc, adopting flannels and working out and ever-so-slightly changing the way she talks. It doesn’t work. She tries high femme, goes a solid month wearing only pastel shades, tries jewellery and flowers, spelling her hair rainbow colours to send a message. Nothing seems to work. Keris shows no interest at all, save sputtering at the table the first time she shows up to the breakfast table the first time with her newly-spelled hair, wearing a skirt shorter than dress code will allow and the lowest-cut blazer in all of England over a bralette. But Trixie’s pretty sure she was just laughing at the pathetic attempts to be attractive for once. Even her snobbish roommate notices her state of misery, and leaves her alone for a full two days after that one.

Despite botched romantic efforts, Trixie and Keris do become friends. Best friends, even. Their personalities are too compatible for them not to be, both so snarky and spontaneous that even their other friends tire of being around them. And this is part of the problem. Being best friends means that Trixie is in close proximity with the girl of her dreams all the fucking time. Which is great, in theory. But the longing and loneliness and stupid wishes to kiss Keris until both their lips turn blue put a strain on Trixie’s brain. It threatens to stay that way, for a whole half year, before more drama happens.

The chosen one runs off to slay dragon or whatever (Trixie personally didn’t think Simon had it in him, doesn’t he like to hang out with the nice goat lady and stuff? And she’s pretty sure dragons are an endangered species or something). Anyways, the school is plunged into chaos. Again. This time, though, there’s a slight difference. Keris is shivering, arms wrapped around Trixie, and they’re completely alone in the catacombs.

“Keris?” Trixie whispers, “Are you okay?”

Keris glares. “No! The school is under attack again, my face is fucking bleeding, and we’re hiding in what is probably the most structurally unsound place in this school! Why does Watford even have catacombs in the first place?”

Oh. Trixie’s embarrassed, which has been happening a lot lately. But also freaked out a little, because there’s a lot of blood coming from Keris’ forehead and how did she not notice that before?

“Your forehead is bleeding, like, a lot.”

Keris grimaces. “Thanks for pointing that out, genius.”

“Wait! That wasn’t what I meant! I just… There might be something I can do about that?” Trixie stutters her way through the sentence. Because this isn’t just a normal healing.

“What can you do? We haven’t gotten onto flesh mending spells yet, and I’m not in the mood to have you experiment on me.”

“No, not that. I mean, um. Pixies can heal things with kisses. And sometimes I can too. But it only works if—”

“Oh! I mean, if it’s alright with you…” This is awkward, and not least because Keris has cut Trixie off at a crucial rule of healing. To heal, you have to be in love with the person. Deeply in love. Which is why her father’s kisses can mend her mother’s broken bones, but do nothing for her. Not that her halfbreed magic is strong enough for healing bones. But superficial cuts and bruises she can do.

“It’s alright with me.” Trixie manages a nervous smile. It’s not like a kiss on the forehead means anything anyways. It’s not like her heart is pounding through her skull. It’s not like her mind is begging her to open her mouth and say something, tell Keris the truth. Instead, she gently, gently places a kiss directly over the open cut on Keris’ head, and watches it seal back up.

Keris grins, bright enough to blind Trixie (not that it doesn’t blind her every time already). “Thanks! I haven’t felt magic like that before! It got all hot and tingly and I felt my skin seal back together and—“

“Can I kiss you?” Trixie cuts her off.

“What?”

Trixie continues, panicking. “I mean. On the mouth. It’s totally okay if you don’t want me to, I mean I’m sure I wouldn’t want to kiss me either but it just seemed like the right moment and I’m panicking right now because I love our friendship but I can’t live like this anymore I’ve tried so hard to get you to notice me like that and you never seem to care which is cool but I figured you deserved to know, y’know? And I just, I mean. I just think that. I guess…”

“Trixie, I—“

“Keris, I love you, and if I have to go another day without saying something it might kill me.”

Trixie opens her mouth again, only to be cut off with the sensation of Keris smashing her lips to her mouth. It’s not entirely pleasant, but not unpleasant either. As first kisses go, it’s pretty good, actually. They make out for a good half hour against the walls of the catacombs, which is metal and romantic and weird and kind of perfect. Just like them. Later, Keris will tell Trixie everything she noticed. Later, Trixie will properly ask to be her girlfriend. But that’s the future. This is the now.

[emzymakesbelieve]

not to be fake deep but let's talk about all your old walt babies that you haven't mentioned (because i love the hainline's okay and you and all your kids and i miss you

Send me an old muse and I’ll gush about them.

oKAY SIT DOWN AND BUCKLE UP, KIDDOS.

(I love you, too, sweet pea.  *smooch*)

Frank Hainline

So Frank is a prick, to start off, but he’s my prick and you’re not allowed to trash talk him without my say so (which of course you have because he’s A PRICK).  He was the kind of kid who wore an anarchy symbol on his jacket but never actually did anything to represent or invoke anarchy.  He’s also a gigantic slut and can’t keep his pants zipped for longer than ten minutes.  Fidelity is not this man’s middle name (*CoUgH* illegitimate child he never knew about).  He definitely wasn’t ready to become a father when Victoria got pregnant (and more or less trapped him into marriage), but by the time baby Penelope came, he devoted every ounce of energy he could to making sure she had a good life, and the two of them actually grew very close.  He passed away from cancer when Penelope was about ten.

Norma Hainline

Penelope’s eldest.  The two most important things you need to know about Norma are that she’s a dancer and she’s gay as a maypole.  Her main focuses are tap and ballet.  She loves old Hollywood - she got her start watching Singin’ in the Rain and Fred & Ginger films - but definitely prefers to live in the here and now where she can express herself both as an artist and as a lesbian.  The dance world, much as she loves it, is a crusty old institution that needs to break some pointless rules and get over itself.  She is also Grade A Mom Friend Extraordinaire™.  Her love language is definitely acts of service, particularly making sure you’re eating and sleeping well and taking your medicine on time (though turns out she’s a terrible patient herself).  Much to her frustration, her two closet friends - Noah and Nick - are both more or less bent on self destruction and driving her completely bonkers, but she loves them just the same.

Francis Hainline

Francis, the third eldest, has no business being in this family with how shy he is, but nevertheless.  Definitely the black sheep of the family, but his siblings defend and support him with everything they have.  (Well, Kath usually does it with a lot of sarcasm, but you can tell she loves him.)  He’s a total hipster and has a special love for anything that was built before the year 2000.  His prize possession is an old camcorder that uses real VHS tapes, so naturally he becomes a film student.  I envision him growing up and working as a cinematographer and eventual director of poignant indie films and documentaries - stuff with lots of lingering, fly-on-the-wall shots.  Also, special shoutout to Seraphina, the love of his got dang life.  Those two gave me so many freaking cavities with their cuteness.

Kathleen Hainline

So Kath is a mess, but that’s just par for the course in this family, I suppose.  She’s the baby of the family and has always felt like she’s living in her sister Norma’s shadow.  She’s a bit of a wild child, but certainly not to the extent Victoria was.  It’s all just a cry for attention, trust me.  She wants to feel needed, she wants to feel wanted, she wants to feel special.  And anything that takes the attention of the people she loves off of her needs to die, plain and simple.  She’s best friends with Daisy and is technically endgame with Jonas (though we really didn’t get to write them that far), so here goes a prayer candle for my lovely Becca.

Dory Novak

As you can probably guess by the name, Dory is based on that delightful blue tang we know and love.  In the Walt universe, she developed her short term memory loss after an accident that killed her parents, and was adopted by Marlin.  She loves swimming and her family and especially anything combining the two.  She’s a freaking sweetheart who is actually pretty hard on herself, and it was so heartbreaking to play her in any kind of stressful situation because five minutes later she would still be freaked out by have no idea as to why (looking at you, Scream event).  Also, Scooby liked her a lot and I felt so freaking blessed???  She ends up becoming a social worker and helping kids in the foster system like her.

Charlie Harper & Jenny Harper née Parkington

I never got to properly play Dory’s parents, but here’s the fast and skinny on them.  Jenny was a shy bookworm who never thought boys would be interested in her and (for the most part) had made peace with that theory.  Charlie was a jock who was head over heels for Jenny but never knew how to communicate it without being a sleaze.  Eventually, he manages to ask her out, she says yes, and they pretty much become attached at the hip.  She comes to his basketball games and swim meets decked out in the school colors and cheering like a maniac.  My guess is Dory came a little earlier than they were expecting, but not so early that it would be considered scandalous - probably when they were almost finished with college or something.  Dory became their world and they spoiled that little girl beyond belief.  Unfortunately, both of them were killed in a car wreck when Dory was very little.

Marlene Novak

Dory’s first kid, adopted.  To sum it up nicely, Marlene’s a hot mess because she was never able to come to terms with the fact that her birth mother didn’t want her.  I tried to start this whole plot where she ran into her birth mother just out in the wild and that made her get even messier, but I think I was just throwing crap on the fire to see what blew up at that point.  She also has a…flirtatious arrangement, shall we say, with her friend Viv.

Lyle Novak

Dory’s second kid, also adopted.  *sigh*  Lyle, Lyle, Lyle…  He’s a cutie, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like I didn’t give his character enough punch?  He just seems kind of blah now that I look back at him.  I have a history of being super self conscious about my male characters if they don’t have like a Super Archetype personality for some freaking reason, and Lyle is definitely an example of that.  He’s a little shy, but not so shy that it’s endearing, and he’s also a little courageous, but not so courageous that he actually gets crap done.  He’s a little complacent, looking back on him, which is kind of the opposite of how I wanted to play him...?  I dunno.  Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself.  HE’S CUTE.  LIFE GOES ON.

Cinderella Tremaine

To the surprise of absolutely no one, I’ve actually played a Cinderella counterpart in a few different groups, but let’s just talk about how I portrayed her at Walt.  French transfer student in America (I changed her to straight up American after a point) who loves animals arguably more than life itself and tries her best not to cry over things she can’t control.  She’s also daydreamy as FRICK.  Loves to get lost in her own imagination.  If she’s not engaged in conversation or work of some kind, I can guarantee you her conscience isn’t even on this plane.  Also, can I just shriek about the superhero AU version of her where she was a counterpart to Zatanna and literally became her own fairy godmother?  Because I think about that far more than is probably healthy.

Emmett Tremaine & Johanna Tremaine née Cartier

Same thing as Dory’s parents, just gonna give you a quick lowdown.  Johanna came from a fairly well off family in France (distantly related to those guys, but far enough away that it doesn’t really count), but her parents thought she was an absolute embarrassment.  She was never afraid to speak her mind when it came to things like etiquette and politics, and she had a fabulously wild imagination.  She never stopped believing in fairies, ghosts, gremlins, things like that.  Emmett was that quiet nerd dreamer type, very much obsessed with travel and history.  And like I need to spell it out for you, but they were LUDICROUSLY in love with each other.  Like, nauseatingly so.

Robby Tremaine

Robby is Cindy’s son I whipped up real quick one next gen when I was going crazy and wanted to snatch Nick Robinson’s beautiful face.  He’s a hardcore farm boy who doesn’t mind a little mud behind his ears and super environmentally conscious.  Not just recycling and veganism and all that, but he will go off on you about sustainable farming and animal raising, and how the hydrogen fuel cell is the way of the future.

Taige Bailey

Based on Terk from Tarzan, Taige is a super jock, total butch lesbian, and altogether DUMBNUT.  Like, GOD she’s so stupid sometimes because she just barrels into crap with reckless abandon and doesn’t think things through.  Dear God, she will PUNCH you if you so much as look at her funny, just ‘cause she feels bored.  And she walks around like she’s God’s gift to creation, but she’s just a little twerp.  But she’s my twerp.  (Huh.  I’m just now realizing how similar Taige and Pen are.  In a weird way, Taige is like the tomboy version of Pen.)  Here, you can imagine me lighting a prayer candle because I never got to play her against her two best friends and I’m SAD.  Y’ALL NEVER GOT TO EXPERIENCE THE TOUR DE FORCE THAT IS T CUBED.  Also *cough* she and Vitani may have had a *coUGH* flirtationship.

I would also put Taige’s parents on this list, but they’re so hardly even developed that it’s not really worth mentioning them.  I only know their names: Lamarr and April.

Jared Bailey

Taige’s only child, Jared’s still trying to figure out what masculinity means to him, what with being raised by two women and all.  He can get a little “dudebro alpha male” sometimes, but he’s also that kid you definitely want to have your back when things get rough.  He’ll help you with your homework, teach you how to shoot a three-pointer, and walk you home when it’s dark like the gentleman he is.

[tmitransitioning]

I know that only I can know my gender and that everyone has a different experience, but are there any ways of knowing for sure if I'm trans? I feel like I need some concrete, scientifically proven (or really really well supported) method of knowing before I can accept myself. I've been questioning for roughly a year and I'm fairly sure I'm ftm, but I'm still so scared to take that label and try to live my life 'cause "what if it's really a phase?" hits me on the regular.

We don’t have a brain scan to tell you if you’re trans, but: Wanting to be a different gender is enough. If you want to be a man, congratulations! You are, and every step you take towards that is bringing yourself in alignment with what that means to you.

Cis people do not generally spend a lot of time questioning their gender. I say generally because sometimes, for example, cis women will go “ugh! I wish I wasn’t a woman, because I’m treated so badly as one”, but they don’t go “I wish I wasn’t a woman because being viewed as one is like being viewed as something I’m inherently not”. They don’t usually spend a lot of time stressing or worrying over their gender, and questioning whether or not they’re really trans. The fact that you’ve already come to this conclusion of “pretty sure” means that you are already some flavour of not cis.

But me giving you platitudes doesn’t necessarily help this kind of anxiety. So, instead, here’s a list of questions I asked myself when I was trying to figure out if I was really trans or if I was just going through a phase. For context, when I first realized I was trans, I identified as a demigirl, and this was during the first peak of reactionary “ugh these neogenders”, and the fact that knowing one’s identity is inherently an internal process scared the shit out of me, because I felt like I would always be second-guessing myself. And I felt like if I stopped identifying as trans in the future, I would be playing into the stereotypes about trans people, that we don’t really know ourselves. So, I asked myself:

When someone calls me a girl or a woman, how do I feel?

When someone calls me the gender label I’m questioning, how do I feel?

When someone calls me she/her, how do I feel?

When someone calls me they/them, how do I feel?

If I feel bad about being called she, or a girl, do I feel bad because I think they are viewing me with misogynist stereotypes, or because of another feeling I can’t label?

When I think about being “mistaken” for the gender I’m questioning, does the idea that someone might view me like that on first impression make me feel good or bad? Does it make me feel scared because I’m afraid of how people might react if they find out I’m “really” a girl?

If I hypothetically decide that I am the gender I’m questioning, and I look at previous times in my life where people have called me a girl/she/cute/feminine/etc., does my reaction at those times make sense with this new context?

When I see other trans people being out, how do I feel? Do I feel jealous? Do I feel afraid, and is that fear because I’m scared for them? Do I want to be part of their community? Do I want them to notice me?

When people comment on things about me or my body that they think are feminine, how do I feel? Do I feel repulsed? Does it make me upset? Does it make me just feel weird inside? Does that feeling change if it’s a stranger versus someone I know?

Usually, when we worry about something about our gender being a phase, it’s either a fear of conforming to stereotypes or a fear of being invalidated. Sometimes, if we have previous relationships where we’ve been routinely invalidated or put down, it’s also a fear of opening ourselves up to more of that. Those fears are rational. I hate describing fears as irrational, and in this case, you are worried about things that, for you, are real and salient threats.

But:

Stereotypes about the trans community, including that we’re going through “phases” or that we’re in some way delusional, are the product of transphobia, and not our fault. Just like how a butch lesbian fitting some stereotypes does not justify those stereotypes existing or being levelled as part of homophobia.

Even if we do turn out to have been going through a phase, that’s okay. If we are part of the incredibly small percentage of people who decide later on that we’re actually cis, that’s okay, and we know more about our experiences of gender as a result.

Other people invalidating us cannot touch our internal experiences.

Someone else exercising power to invalidate or hurt us because of our gender is because of their transphobia, and not because of anything we did.

You also don’t have to do this all at once. You can go as slow as you feel, and you can do trial runs. You can try calling yourself a boy or a man in your head for a day, or a week. If you have sympathetic friends, you can ask them to call you he for a day or a week, or use a different name. You don’t have to come out all at once, and you’re allowed to test things out before you feel sure enough to do those things long-term.

- Mod Wolf

[thewritingstar]

Prompt list 5: some greens for the soft tender kissing please? 🥺 maybe they just finished fighting an awful monster or just got out of a rough sparring session and needed some affection to help ground each other again. Pretty please and thank you!! You’re the best!!

This is cute! Hope you enjoy :)

Pairing: Greens (Butch x Buttercup)

----

No matter how old she was fighting monsters never got easier. Maybe the planning and how to fight them did. Blossoms leadership had grown over time and everyone’s skill had too. What didn’t change was the feeling of pain that rapidly spread through her body everyone she got hit or smacked down.

The feeling of her head rushing with to much blood and white noise playing had never ceased to get easier. You can prepare and say it will be a bloody battle, but the bone crushing blows and the scraping of the knees always caught her off guard.

The chemical X that jolted through her system and sent a rush through her was also unprepared. The sensation of a cool liquid almost exploding in her veins and organs felt weird as if she was feeling death being sucked out of her. Yeah, it never got easier.

The only thing that helped over time was the turning of age RowdyRuff Boys. During their middle school years, the boys, mostly Brick, had enough of dear old dads. Being bossed around and left for the aftermath of the puff fights had gotten old, especially when they began to realize that none of what they stole for their fathers ever showed up for keeping.

They rebelled in an odd way. Coming to the good side and practically fighting against their creators. It was weird when Brick had approached Blossom during the beginning of high school and nearly demanded that she allow them to join the team cause he was fed up with monkey brains. Princess cried saying she was never allowed to join and Blossom only rolled her eyes and agreed for the safety of the city and not because they were secretly making out behind closed doors and Brick wanted to impress his “flower”.

So they joined forces in high school, big deal. They grew as a team and possibly closer. It wasn’t long before the notorious leaders of both groups had hooked up and apparently Bubbles and Boomer had secretly been together since middle school, but for the green duo, it was another story. 

They were both alike, naturally as counterparts. Always picking fights and holding stupid grudges against each other. Even with two years of high school down and their teamwork with the city, they still never moved past the frenemies tier. 

And maybe it was because they were both afraid. Sure they teased each other and everyone was dying to see them get together but those strange warm feelings that kept them both up at night were shut down as the sun rose in the sky. It was easier to be friends, maybe they had become best friends at the start of junior year, sue them. 

And maybe, just maybe after a brutal fight on the battle field where they had flown to hid from the monster, Butch had wiped the dirt off her face. And maybe that sent a jolt of electricity to powerful to contain through them both as they began to lean forward. And maybe, maybe, they had kissed. 

And maybe that kiss broke through that barrier of fear she was holding onto. The tears she shed as she faced death one too many times had slipped away as his lips fell to hers. They should be focused on the wounds they had received from the wonderful monster fight but her mind was only on him. She never thought that he could be so delicate and tender as he careful cupped her cheek. The way his body pressed against hers felt so right and she swore that this explosion of fireworks was due to her hitting her head hard, not the breathtaking kiss she was currently involved in. No, the monster was at fault, but god his lips were so soft. 

By the end of winter break junior year, the green duo had completed the dating between the puffs and ruffs. 

So no, monster fights didn’t get easier, but the people you fought along side made it better.

--

And now here she was at age twenty two. In the middle of her college studies looking towards a degree in sports medicine and a teaching credential, she didn’t know either, don’t ask. But instead of her studying for her exam on Friday, she was up in the sky blasting laser beams and sending punches that could easily kill a person towards a giant ass monster. 

It was all yellow and fuzzy and Bubbles thought it looked like a baby duck, yeah know, before it spit poisonous acid out of its mouth and melted half a skyscraper. Gross. 

She kept hitting harder and harder, letting her muscles tense to the extreme as she fought alongside the others. She had lost sight of her boyfriend a while go, Brick had yelled at him to create a barrier of some sort and she was only focused on beating the living shit outta this thing. 

Its roar was loud as the sound rumbled the town but Bubbles sonic scream nearly caused an earthquake from the high pitch shatter of her vocal cords, p.s. you will never win a fight with her, she learned that the hard way when she was seven. She can still feel her eardrums ringing. 

As her fist collided again and again, she felt the dripping and burning sensation on her forearm as the acid fell from its mouth, Blossom sending the monster tumbling towards the ground. It stung like hell as the thick goop made her skin bubble and her eyes welded into tears because it was literal fucking acid. 

There was nothing she could do as it rushed through her skin. The chemical X fighting back as quickly but the pain was harsh. 

The whimper of her voice caught the attention of her leader and soon a nice layer of ice had coated the burns but left her skin bubbly and puffy as Blossom worked quickly. 

“Not suppose to put ice on burns.” Buttercup muttered but it was better than letting the acid reach her bones and take her whole arm off. Her sister smiled lightly and just patted her head. 

All she wanted to do was fly back to her dorm and study. 

“Wicked burn babe.” Butch flew up next to her and her eyes widened as she saw that half of his shirt had melted off and his chest showed the same sickly bubbling that her arm did. 

She just stared at the scars and even though the chemical x would cover it, it somehow made her feel worried. She had seen him in a worse state. Broken ribs, hips, arms, you name it and hes broken it. But in a matter of days, hes brand new. Still sucked. 

“Hey, hey.” He brought her into a hug. “Come on babe.” His voice was low and soothing. Buttercup only hugged him tight as she buried her face into his chest, avoiding the burned area. 

Her body felt heavy and her eyes even heavier and she assumed he had talked to their red leaders because the next time she opened her eyes they were in his own apartment. She was being carried bridal style. Usually she would complain about being treated like this but she had a massive headache and snuggled closer to her carrier. 

“Damn Butters I haven’t seen you like this since we got totally shitfaced during freshman spring break.” She felt the vibration of the laugh against her head and soon 

She picked her head up and looked at him through her lashes. “I want kisses.” She muttered and she felt his hold tighten on her as he brought her into his room.

He let out a low laugh before setting her on the bed and patting her head. “Easy Babe. Let me just wipe the dirt off and you can have me.” She mentally pouted as he went into the bathroom and she heard the faucet turn on.

She kicked off her shoes and peeled off her shirt that had become ruined but thankfully her tank top didn’t take as much damage.

He came back with a clean face and a wet rag before sitting on his knees and gently wiping it around her face to reveal the fair skin that was caked under dirt and dust.

Her head pressed into his palm and he swiped the rag around her mouth, purposefully making some of it go into her mouth which she scowled out.

“Maybe I don’t want those kisses any more.” She began to say but he only laughed before scooping her up so that he could lay on his bed with her against his chest.

“Fine.” Butch smirked but she rolled her eyes and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

His hands traveled to the back of her thighs as he began to rub her skin that was most likely sore. She made a small noise against his lips as she rocked her hips and took his face in her hands, her thumb gliding gently along his jaw. 

“You should shave.” She kisses his lips again.

“I know.” He mumbled as one of his hands came to rest on her behind. “Kinda annoying right?” He laughed lightly and he loved the feeling of her kissing his cheek.

“Mmmm” she hummed with another peak to his face. “You just look better with a clean face. And maybe a few cuts and bruises.” She kissed the dark circle that was forming under his eye from when he got hit today.

Some people might think it’s weird but she really liked watching the skin expand and turn to deep shades of blue and purple before it quickly fades from chemical x taking care of it.

He leaned up causing her to lightly gasp before holding her against his chest and kissing her neck.

“But for me babe. I prefer to see you crystal clean. Don’t get me wrong you look hot as fuck with scratches and burns but I like to see you in prestige condition.” Butch bit her neck gently drawing out another noise from her lips.

“But you know what I like best?” He asked. And she shook her head as he kissed the bite mark. “I like the feeling of you after a battle. Scars or no scars. This soft feeling of your lips on mine and the way that you act so shy, really gets me going love.” She silenced him with another tender kiss.

She longed for these soft and quiet moments. The world would crumble around them and her focus would be on him as they laid peacefully. 

“I love you.” She said to him and she loved the way his expression soften and the ends of his lips turned up into a smile. 

“I love you too.” He kissed her temple before she felt her eyes flutter close and they fell asleep in a calm bliss. 

--

just something cute. Hope you enjoyed :) 

[moomooblackshep]

My dysphoria

Well... I'm 26 and so very fucking trans. Ftm. Pre everything. Fuck. It finally makes sense. For the longest time I've always identified as a crossdresser when much younger and then gay as a teen. As gay I've been out to most of my friends, took a while to come out to the family. I hate the word lesbian because it's a label that just doesn't fit and now this. I've only told my closest friends about the trans thing right now. Hopefully I can tell my mom about it later on when I finish my schooling again. Be warned this is long to whoever reads this.

The community has been very visible lately, YouTubers are also getting in on that band wagon. Media over all is so vocal about it now. Also, my mother used to watch a lot of trans surgeries for a solid year and would make me watch it with her. Those were disturbing but dear God like a train wreck I couldn't look away. It wasn't the surgeries that made me realize but they did open up my mind about researching and just looking into what trans is. Looking back there are many red flags. My dysphoria was generally supressed. I remember when I was young, around 10, I considered myself a crossdresser. I was new to the internet then since we just immigrated to Canada and I couldn't stop reading psychology books, journals, articles, anything I can get my hands on to put a label on what I am. I didnt make sense so I settled for something that seemed the closest thing I could find, crossdresser. I internalized that and moved on. We also didn't have much money at the time so I started wearing my brothers clothes and it felt right. Prior to moving into a new country my clothes consisted of dress like uniforms for school and shorts and t-shirt for home/play clothes. My classmates here then started asking me why I dress in boy clothes and I always said I was a crossdresser. They'll have a look on their face but I wasn't making a big deal out of it so they didn't either. I was also the kid that's good at art and I used to give them away a lot when done which people always wanted for some reason. I was also pretty calm and just took a lot of things at face value so people knew they could tell me whatever and I won't freak out, it apparently helped because I was told a hella amount of secrets. Graduation came and yearbooks were signed. Some even said I was the coolest crossdresser they knew and that hopefully everything worked out for me. Then highschool hit and suddenly the whole gay thing cropped up. I realized I didn't like boys early on. It was weird. Everyone tells me that I should and that I have to but I knew I didn't like boys like that at all. When I was younger still, by the pics probably as young as three maybe five, I had a playmate that everyone and their grandmother keep saying that he's my boyfriend. As far as I remember I've always denied it. I had mostly boy playmates but the few girls around I always took special care to make them feel included or give them attention. I didn't understand them. I didn't know why they liked only certain games like the dancing, skip rope, the make up or why they prefer dresses or various things I can't even remember now. I always chalked it up to my two older brothers will beat anyone up that doesn't include me in their games or are mean to me. It was a small enclosed neighborhood. My brothers were in the older crowd and knew everyone being 7 and 9 years older than I was. It still didn't make it any less confusing to me tho. I questioned a lot of things but no one would give me answers or they'll just ignore me. It didn't help that my mother always said disparaging things towards gays. Things about religion and how shameful it is. I don't want to get into it but I ended up internalizing it. We're also Catholic so the Catholic values of how we are in God's image, we should treat everyone as how we would treat ourselves and how God loves us clashed horribly with what she was saying sometimes. I was confused for a while but I tried to rationalize it myself and came up with "he's (the gay man my mom criticized and the only gay person I knew growing up) happy, he seemed comfortable with himself, he's not hurting anyone, he seems like a good person. So I said to myself that if he's all that then it's okay. It's his life and it's his choices. But even when it's okay for him to be gay I knew I wasn't allowed to be gay because of the homopobia my family was showing. I was probably around 7-8 at the point when this all went down. This is also why I stay away from church now. The hypocrisy is something that gets to me but I have my faith and I just try to live as "good" as I can while still being human. I'm probably missing a lot of the stuff because I don't remember much of my childhood. Anyways, that's the internal homophobia and why I couldn't be comfortable with it until later on in my life. By the time highschool rolled around I've immersed myself into the internet and have accepted my love for the female form. Also porn and Anime was a great motivation for an asian teen. Went to an all girls school for highschool, met my best friend in grade nine and proceeded to date her the following year. We lasted all of highschool but I knew I wasn't the best gf at the time or ever. We broke up because she was moving on to better things and I was lost and not going anywhere, I wasn't gonna hold her back to not experience stuff, so we split amicably. We're kind of friends still and adulting sucks. On that note, my dysphoria. In all honesty I never took it as that because my mental and emotional coping mechanisms are suppression and distraction. Anyways, as a kid I always envied the boys. They're always portrayed as being stronger, bigger, the hero, they seemed to have more freedom. As a kid I wanted that. Everyone treated me like such a delicate girl when I didn't feel like a girl at all much less delicate. I was a crybaby sure but that was because my brothers teased me relentlessly and the only time they'll stop at all is if I cry. I wasn't allowed a lot of freedom for expressing myself either because it was met with indifference or anger from my family so I had to figure a lot of things out by myself. Mom isn't the most affectionate or vocal person about feelings either so it's just been me for a long while. Looking back it was a steady progression and the feeling of helplessness that I can't change my sex. It permeated my entire being so I supressed and distracted myself and accepted that I can't do anything about it. Until I was 10 I tollerated the dress ups mom used to put me in, the expectations of being a girl was just another duty I had to uphold as the "youngest daughter" even the long hair was a point of annoyance for me. It was grown past my butt and I hated every second of it. I used to bug mom to get shorter hair, to have a cut like the guys and she gave in once when I caught her on a good day and she cut it to my shoulders. I was happy. It was a step in the right direction. Now if only I can get pants and a dick I'd be happier. Fast forward to puberty and lord was that a thrilling ride. Labelled myself as crossdresser in elementary and now Im gay leaning to Butch lesbian in highschool. Fuck I hated that but again it was another thing I had to tollerated because I couldn't change my sex. I knew transexuals existed mostly I thought that only applied to effeminated men. Aka gay men crossdressing. It didn't connect in my brain that women can be transexuals too. I thought they were just butch/ stud women. I was sheltered and very big on the internal homopobia okay. Now, highschool brought more insecurities. My chest grew like what it does during puberty. I wasn't happy about that. I was a chubby kid but fuck that was such a bad time. I hated them. I strapped them down as much as I can with tape or ace bandages, we had med kits everywhere, when that didn't work I'd wear something to try and flatten them or super baggy clothes. Also I had smaller bras than what I needed so it made them smaller. Had to hunch to hide them. I couldn't figure out why girls bought lingerie for them or why the hell they show it off. I forget a lot that people don't feel what I feel and that I'm not normal. Even with me wanting my chest to be gone but mostly be more male type I also wanted bigger shoulders, a few more inches in height (I'm 5'6), a deeper voice, my jaw and cheeks to be chiseled like the males I see in media. Yeah that was a trip into a rabbit hole. When I was younger I wanted to be like the guys in anime with the body builder like body, the voice, the heroism, the super powers because it's anime and surprisingly how they get the loyal girl. I learned all the chivalry because I always see myself as the guy in the relationship. Flowers, compliments, do nice things even if I don't say my feelings, open a door, pull out a chair, make a girl laugh. Then being a bit older still made me want all those things but now I have certain preference for girls, I wanted to be tall dark and handsome. It's more about being debonair with chivalry thrown in together and having adventures with my partner. It just became more age appropriate as time went on. It was all so confusing but I took the idea and ran with it. I couldn't change my sex? Fine. I'll suppress the need to cry and the depression until I can be free to be myself. Also known as me living by myself. I was terrified of what my family will say and how they'll react. They tried hard to make me girly during highschool and I just repeatedly said no. I never said I was a boy but I saw the need for them to turn me into this girl that I've never felt I was. I hated it. Then I fixated on the aspects I can change. My hair, the way I dressed. How I presented myself. I didn't change my pronouns or name because while I didn't like it it was negligible in the whole. There wasn't much to change to begin with since I already dressed as a male most of the time. Crossdresser in elementary remember. Wasn't much of a shock to the family really, just more annoyance cuz I took my brothers clothes. I sound like I hate everything but aside from a few things that I just glaze my eyes over now I'm pretty laid back and chill. It's just the way I present myself that really gets to me. Ive never given a fuck on why or how others percieved me aside from my family. 15/16 was a rough time. Suicidal thoughts started and escalated. I started self medicating in that I took up smoking cigarettes and weed to dissociate from everything. For a while it worked. Suicide was very close to happening, had it all planned out but when I came home mom was weirdly home. Once we were in Canada my brothers disappeared mostly because of college/uni and work. Mom was the same, she had three jobs at one point to cover all our expenses and Dad hasn't been in the picture for a long while. But yeah, mom was home in a rare off day. We somehow watched a documentary or a show that had suicide in it and she started talking about it. Could've knocked me over when she said that she wouldn't know what to do if she ever found us, mostly me, like that. How she would be devastated and everything. Things like that. It fucking threw me for a damn loop. But I was fucked up and that night I just kept writing and writing and writing until the sun was up and I had to go to school. When I came home no one was there again and I just broke down. My emotional instability, my hopelessness that I can't have the body/sex I want and need, my loneliness, thinking that my family doesn't love me just finally broke me. So I cracked. I cried and I screamed and I just fucking let go. At one point the neighbours even knocked on the door to see wtf was happening. Wiped my face, plastered a smile and said I was practicing for drama class and sorry that I bothered them. I had drama anyways with a play that year so when the neighbours brought it up with mom it was a solid excuse. After that the supressing habit became so strong that for example when I glance at my chest it just disappears from my mind that I even looked at them. There are days where I'm 100% okay with them ( or any part of my body that I can't deal with)for several minutes and I'll look at them and inspect them then later on I'm back to trying to find something to strap them down because the anxiety and panic is back that I don't have the right body. Once the break down was over I couldn't function for days. The dysphoria and depression just consumed me so I figured I needed to do what I needed to do. I cut myself off from that part of me emotionally and mentally. I hid it and I ran. I distracted myself with bad relationships,bad friends, the drug habit kicked up and I even became entangled in the crowd I never wanted to be in. I was a mess and as long as there was something else to worry about I didn't have to deal with myself. It worked for a long ass while but I was never happy. I've never felt joy after that breakdown. I had some contentment but that was it. The lows were manageable because once it starts I pick up a new thing to distract myself. Adult me discovered binders, bought a bunch of them with my first credit card. I was 18/19 and in college. I couldn't wait for it. Finally! I get to have a flat chest. They came and I couldn't be happier. I wore them every day from the time after I shower to just before I slept. Sometimes my mom would wake me to go to the store and I'll throw it on before my clothes. For a solid two years I wore it like my second skin. I went out to my first drink with my second brother with it on. Went to a gay club and picked up someone with it on. Worked in it even though that was a bad time. I was confident as hell. I was finally a step closer to myself. I was mistaken for a guy more often than not and that was fantastic. Then the inevitable happened. I lost them when my mom raided my room with no warning to clean it because it wasn't up to her standards and took all my laundry. I was frantic in looking for them. I was desperate. I kept asking mom where they are. I only ever got one of them back but I went into such a depressive state that shame and guilt and self doubt/hate came crashing back down on me and I couldn't wear it anymore. I went on a drinking bender at that point and I moved out at 20. 21 and I became an alcoholic for the next year. The truth that I'm stuck in this body slapped me so hard I slipped. I dropped out of college, drank from morning till night, was even drunk when I was at work. I just slipped. It was so easy but in the end I had to pick myself up. My family didn't notice much. Just that I was never home and mom and I had a blow out because she expects me home when no one is even home. When there's no food in the house because I didn't know how to cook at the time. She also kept pushing if I was gay and i admitted it. I was never gonna be ready so I just sucked it up and said it even though it felt wrong. Let me be clear as a transman man I'm not gay but right now I'm still seen as a cis woman. Im pre everything so I will, for now, say I'm gay. However, I'm a man trapped in the body of a woman and there is not much I can do until I start transitioning. After that horrible dip in my emotional instability I stopped binding. I just picked up shitty girlfriends after shitty girlfriends. Girls who were selfish and immature and made it all about them without giving back to me. I got stressed over that instead of my body and managing them is more doable than my body. Don't get me wrong I could've dropped them any time since I knew what I was getting into. My need to run from my dysphoria intensified my so called "need" to have them around. Did I love them? No. They were a means to an end and a way to distract myself. Have I ever loved any of them? I did love my first girlfriend but I never gave her what she deserved. When she broke up with me I was sad but I knew that she needed to grow into the person she wanted to be. I wanted her to find happiness even though it wasn't with me. So I let her go. Not completely tho. We're ish friends and I'd rather have that than nothing at all. At 24 I went back to school to finally graduate college. I picked up another shitty girlfriend for 7 months and 2 months after I ended my last relationship. My best friends just laughed and shook their heads at me because they can't believe I'm doing it again after I'm trying to get my shit together. But that was the last relationship I went into. The trans community started being more visible then. Acceptance for LGBT+ was at an all time high. Mom and I were okay. Things were looking up. Me being single was terrifying because I slowly started to unpack all my issues. I had supportive friends who won't leave me, my family is okay with me, I lived alone for a while but came back to mom's because her house is closer to the school and they've been trying to get me to move back in for the last four years. At 25 I just started unpacking and unpacking and unpacking and dear God the amount of issues I had to resolve with myself was a fucking lot. But the biggest is my dysphoria so I researched and read and watched a ton of vids to finally come to the conclusion that I'm trans. I'm trans not because I hate my body but because I believe I'm in the wrong one. It's terrifying to know that because there's no immediate remedy. I'm trapped and the process to switch is long, expensive and not permanent in a way I won't ever have the biological markers without outside influence. Having biological kids will be an issue too but I've always thought that I would never give birth to one, I've always assumed that I would adopt or somehow one of my friends will make me the guardian for theirs if they ever pass away. I've never felt compelled to have one of my own. A family yes but I would love any child in my family whether it's biological or someone else's. At 26, just had my birthday last month, I'm contemplating transitioning in the next year or so. I still have issues to work through but I think when I talk to a psychiatrist or counselor I would be okay. It's a lot to consider and I need to be sure it's the right way for me. In all honesty I'm pretty sure I'll transition. I've waited long enough I can wait a little longer to make an informed decision.

To whoever is reading this just know that it was hard and difficult journey for me but if you can accept the situation even just a little, enough to get you through until you can deal with it financially, emotionally and mentally it gets easier. Self hate is a very heavy burden to carry I wish it could be easier but youre a stronger person for it in the end. It helps to focus on other things to build your life. Finish school, have a good job, maybe a relationship because if you focus too much on the dysphoria once it's taken care of you will still have life in general to deal with and it's good to have the ideal life you want ready for you because you built it and you changing your body is the last piece to make it perfect.