#I also ate lunch at the queer bar my friend works at

[chaoskiro]

I love being just casually visibly queer in public. Like I'm just wearing my cap where I painted the nonbinary pride flag onto and dressing on the goth side of my usual and the most coollooking person ever smiled at me on the station. Family.

[lifewithoutmeds]

Tuesday, March 26

Tuesday. work from home day, and the first working day since yesterday was a holiday.

recap: monday, march 18th: nothing calendared. probably just wfh and the usual chores. tuesday, march 19th: in office day, and i met up with stephen t during lunch break and we had hainan chicken in his office and chatted and affirmed how much we appreciated and enjoyed each other's company and conversations. we had an in-person training day at the office learning how to fill out this quarterly form and i knew all of the answers and would raise my hand and eagerly answer the questions. afterward, the three koreans in the office waved me over and told me about a happy hour next wednesday as a colleague was retiring. i was surprised because i hadn't yet been invited out to a happy hour and i really hadn't seen myself making friends in this office. i was flattered, naturally. after work i went to BJ's for a few beers and met a queer lady at the bar and we had a really nice chat and exchanged ig handles and have been keeping up a bit. no attraction on my part but we had a lot in common so that was fun. wednesday, march 20th: mm, nothing calendared. thursday, march 21st: coworking day with danielle. we took a long walk with snicks at lunch and another one after work, instead of the typical happy hour. we walked over to get a healthy wrap from hummus republic, and then watched an episode of Love Is Blind and kind of realized that we could have fun without drinking and be healthy as well. it was still a bit tempting to go out and drink, but that was nice also. friday, march 22nd: worked from home, and about noon a guy came over to inspect my windows and we identified three that needed a tuneup. after work i joined a new abbey hiking group at griffith park, and i almost threw up as the elevation and pace were a bit much for me, but had a really nice hour and a half chat with one of the hiking leaders. saturday, march 23: slept almost the entire day, and then lana came over at about 6pm and we drove downtown to watch fortune feimster at the United Theater (formerly known as the Ace Hotel). we had pretty good seats, tig notaro made a surprise guest appearance to introduce fortune, and later on we realized that she and her wife were sitting directly in front of us so after the show we said how we were fans. afterward we walked to senoratown and lana treated to a delicious burrito. it was a really nice time. we get along really well, understand each other really well, and also have a very complementary sense of humor. however the burrito gave me a bit of a stomachache so i didn't sleep well. sunday, march 24: slept all day. about 12 hours. didn't go to church. just slept. monday, march 25: this is a newer county holiday, cesar chavez day. i finally got up, met up matt klapp for brunch in pasadena, and then we walked about one and a half hours on the trail behind JPL, talking the whole time, about life, about relationships, about xio, about how to get better. it was a really good time. i came home, did some chores, then hung out with my mom for an hour and ate some of the costco pizza she had purchased earlier that day. afterword i met up with lorena a bit spontaneously at BJ's and we had a couple beers and for some reason i had gotten randomly very sad and wept, per usual.

tuesday, today! worked pretty productively from home. did two loads of laundry. took a longish lunch hour walk, took a shower, read about 25 pages of my book while sitting out in the partial sun by the pool, reserved my Puebla hotel on the phone, and had planned to go walking with tracy after work, but she asked to postpone since a therapy session had to be rescheduled. although i was a bit disappointed to not be able to meet up as she's great company and i was looking forward to a long walk, this week has gotten increasingly busy, so i don't mind the break from activity.

the week ahead: wednesday: in office day, and happy hour afterward at highland park brewery near chinatown. will try not to get manically drunk and leave by 7:30pm. 8 tops. thursday: work from home, and then chrissy d will be coming over so we can go to the wiltern to see Sleater-Kinney, one of her favorite bands from high school. i think she mentioned she'd get dinner before, as i'd quit work at 5 and we'd probably need to leave around 6 or 6:30 to get to the wiltern and find parking timely. friday: RDO, but a 10:30 a.m. brunch with matt and patti, facetime with kelda at 2pm, and dinner with jeanine randomly at 6pm. saturday: just VBAS volunteering from 2-4pm. sunday: church, and lorena has said she'd come.

so yhea, lots to do. literally something every day or night.

i'm happy to note that this last week has been so much better than two weeks ago. it's a bit unsettling, how much my emotions have settled down. the intensity, the pain, the horror, the screaming in my soul have abated, and i just have a sort of sweet heavy sadness. the burden is not too great. i'm a bit lower energy than usual, but i'm not shrieking in pain. i had a really nice time with matt and i hope i was a help to him. i want to make it a point to go out walking with him every few weeks. although i can't quite relate to the depths of grief and sorrow that he is experiencing, i think i get it more than others, as my daily existence is typically plagued by that.

i'm thinking again about our incompatibilities. i was messaging with jingmai and she was saying how she does the little things like drink out of a klean kanteen and other small acts of consideration to people and the environment. i remembered that i drank almost exclusively out of my nalgene for water, and out of my little yeti thermos for coffee, and my reusable utensils at work. i make it a point to recycle. i bundle up or use a small space heater if i'm cold even though i can turn the heat up as much as i want without having to pay any extra for it. it's kind of interesting how i don't think people have much of an effect on big things, global things, like climate change, or capitalism/consumerism, or racism, or poverty, etc., so i don't think it's a worthy investment of resources to even try. but then again, why then do i use my nalgene? why do i reuse deli cups? i must in some way think that i'm capable of helping out, of making a dent, of trying to make the world even a slightly better place to live. i'm not sure what to do with that information though. if i think my small actions can make a difference, should i also throw myself into systemic change and wide-ranging policies? how can i actively not think it's helpful but also automatically act in ways which i think are helpful? there's some incongruity there that i should take some time to think about.

this week has felt better. i'm watching less youtube, and it has less of a pull on me. granted i think on saturday i had 14 hours of screen time, which is odd, considering i also logged 12 hours of sleep. i somehow wasted more than 24 hours in a given 24 hour period. hm.

small successes today: took a few walks got some sun while reading my book made my puebla hotel reservation counted my calories, and even though i'm not quite in a deficit, also won't just completely sabotage myself by running to ralphs to get a pint of ben and jerry's.

i feel grateful to have friends.

friends i am so grateful for: lana grace yoon grace kim amy lee tracy danielle caroline patti lorena amy caves jingmai

matt t matt k steven t amir t raymond m that's a nice amount. also in terms of gratitude: 15 years in the County (10 away from health insurance for life) condo $1300 mortgage payments 2.625% interest rate subaru my coffee set up mom, alive, and living close by working on the health. lots of walking in the last couple days, and i've eaten an apple (but also four slices of costco cheese pizza) more consistent reading, and less screen time also this week has an insane number of social activities i also signed up for my next few sessions of VBAS volunteering to make my 8 hours/month

i remember thinking about how my last two years have been. 2022 was mostly sleeping, crying, raging, and numbing myself. it was buying a bunch of gummies, it was playing 30 hours of oregon trail on my phone a week. it was new horror after new horror as i saw myself being scrubbed from jadai's ig, of watching her stuff slowly get moved out. it was also the year of my obsession with lorena, messaging her, visiting her, flying her out, spending so much time and energy in keeping her engaged, in treating her to the finest foods and experiences in LA. taking her camping, taking her fishing, all while she was falling for reyna, and eventually partnering up with her, and the agony i felt as i facilitated it like the simp/cuck that i am. 2023 was the year i tried really hard to get myself out. i made a bunch of resolutions, i started reading a bunch of books, i started an llc for my kimchi pancake business that never really got off the ground, i fostered kiwi and signed up to become a volunteer at the burbank animal shelter. i made friends with LD and tracy via bumble bff. i camped in bishop with LD and her partner. but then in may the mental health crisis hit and i could do nothing but sob for months. the week i felt my new meds start leveling me out, i learned about jadai's engagement and lost it all over again. but there was something a tiny tiny bit different. i reached out like crazy. i visited nida. i constantly called and texted my friends. i made plans. i coworked with amir once, and made monthly plans to cowork with danielle. i bought a bunch of books about grief and lost relationships. i reached out to kelda and made my therapy sessions more frequent. in a sense, i was the saddest i'd ever been, but there was also this weird sense of .... desperate attempts to dig myself out. granted there were so many triggers: my birthday, her birthday, christmas, new year's, etc.

2024 was off to a good start. i hung out with my mom and cindy eemo a lot. i went camping at joshua tree with my new lesbian asian friends. i followed through with the volunteering stuff (interview, livescan, etc.) i started to read again and made resolutions. i scheduled in live shows to fortune feimster and alanis morissette. i started listening to alanis, jason mraz, and pearl jam again. i watched more of The Office and less of police body cam videos. but then, the text from jadai came, and then the insane, sick coincidence of bumping into her on the street. on our anniversary. and the week and a half of mental breakdown that precipitated.

i know that it won't be smooth sailing, that it won't be that once i push through one crisis or hardship, that i'll be one and done. i am feeling some new insights occasionally, and sometimes my sighs are not so deep and heavy.

things to keep working on/at: maintaining friendships working out and eating healthily reading and writing volunteering at the shelter dressing and feeling better about myself making some home improvement repairs

i just need to keep plugging away and not feeling and acting only in extremes. i also want to spend more time with people who bring out the best in me like lana, tracy, and patti, and less time with those who drain me, as selfish as that may sound.

[helenoftroybolton]

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week - My Story

Hi all.

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and I’m gonna tell you something I don’t think I’ve shared in the past, like, anywhere.

I am, very much so, in constant recovery from an eating disorder. It can be best described as Restrictive Anorexia Nervosa and/or Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, depending on which doctor you ask.

I’m going to go into the story of my eating disorder, the signs of it, the (very nonspecific) ways in which I carried it out, and how I am doing now. If it’s triggering or upsetting, please do not continue to read. But if you need to hear a story of a young woman who hasn’t “beaten” her eating disorder but  is living with it, just more in check these days, please read on. I love you, be safe.

I have always been an anxious person and my anxiety specifically manifests itself in both nausea, the inability to eat, and a fear of vomiting. So you know, it was pretty easy to not eat if I was afraid that the nausea was going to make me sick. Then, sometimes, I’d just be too exhausted to get up and eat, or even carry out the actions to eat at all. Well, surprise surprise, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. So the anxiety makes me afraid to eat. The depression makes me too tired to eat.

I also thought I was super out of shape, always, even when I was probably in really great shape, because my heart would beat really hard and I’d feel faint and out of breath whenever I did any light exercise. Well, I also have a condition known as Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS, which basically means that my body thinks I’m bleeding out all the time, especially when I exercise. So when I don’t eat or drink enough, I get dizzy and need to sit or lie down for a while or else I may pass out.

So, lots of anxiety + nausea + fear of physical illness + feeling out of shape + Depression and lack of energy = solid building blocks of an eating disorder

The disorder itself began when I was a young teenager, before high school. My parents and a few close relatives, all of whom have struggled with their weight and were told by their doctors they needed to diet to lower their blood pressure and cholesterol levels, made a concerted effort to diet with the express purpose to lose weight. That meant that everything from a dash of table salt or a pat of butter all the way to birthday cake was not only gone from my household, but shamed if anyone expressed desire for it. I watched the Sunday breakfasts turn into SlimFast shakes and freshly baked cookies looked at as if they were the downfall of the free world.

A friend of mine in middle school was tall, lanky, and incredibly insecure with how she looked I am sure. She’d often point out how her naturally high metabolism kept her thighs from touching while she sat down or how her stomach had no pouch while she wore a bikini. Myself, a girl who hit puberty before anyone else and with curves that are oddly ridiculed when you are young, felt that my body was just wrong. It had to be.

So, I restricted my food to the bland, saltless, fatless, almost carb free and sugar free diet of my father. I’d skip breakfast, because if I could conquer the most important meal of the day, I thought, I’d be happy. I’d eat a salad for lunch and drink a huge bottle of water and feel full but sloshy inside. I’d get home at eat a high fiber pita bread, counted to exactly 100 calories, or so sad the packaging, and one whole SlimFast shake which, the bottle said, could replace a whole meal for 200 calories, and then sit, fearing dinner. The best was when there was tons of slightly charred broccoli and unseasoned, tasteless lean ground turkey, cooked in a teaspoon of olive oil, because it tasted so disgusting I didn’t eat it. I was in control. And I was winning.

My family continued to struggle with weight and tell me at every turn just how jealous they were of me; how skinny I was, how little I had to eat, and how good I was about not eating sweets. The validation was incredible. I was always considered the “smart” cousin, but never the pretty one. My parents would wonder aloud how I could possibly be their child if my waist was so small with my dress size to match.

Occasionally, either in a prediction of genetics catching up to me or jealousy, my mother would often ridicule me for wearing “tight fitting clothes” that stretched across my chest (because they were designed like that) or would only buy large or extra large shirts (even if I was a size 2, at best) because I’d “eventually just grow into them.” Horrified by this prospect of taking up any more physical space in the world, growing into something my parents taught me was “ugly,” I tried even harder. I restricted more.

It got to the point that, while I was a senior in high school, I welcomed the flu that left me unable to eat, save for the occasional spoonful of broth and sip of water. I remember weighing myself, which I did at least ten times a day (when I woke up, before I showered, after I showered, with clothes on, with clothes off, before and after meals, before and after trips to the bathroom) I realized I had lost ten pounds in a week. How amazing! All I had to do was have a 104 degree fever and restrict every single part of my diet and I’d never have to worry about fulfilling my mother’s prophecy. I felt wobbly and frail, but my thighs didn’t touch, so I must be doing something right.

Eventually, I headed out to college and began my freshman year at a university in rural Rhode Island. The place was incredibly confining and claustrophobic by the fact that I couldn’t actually leave campus if I wanted to.  I was dating a handsome  yet incredibly shallow man who complimented me only on my body and gave the reasoning that, because I was “so hot” he wouldn’t cheat on me. I was lauded at Thanksgiving and Christmas by my family for not gaining the dreaded “Freshman 15″ which was easy when you were too worried about the calories in beer to drink at parties or stress eat. My parents visited me often and I rarely spent time alone on campus and would often pick up extra shifts of any one of the number of jobs I worked. I filled my time of extreme anxiety and depression with the control that food restriction gave me. I knit so I could relieve pent up anxiety feelings in a positive way. I rarely ate breakfast and often only ate health foods (when I ate any food at all) and survived mostly on quarters of Clif bars and still those wonderful SlimFast shakes that my father, very kindly, gave to me in case I “went hungry” when I didn’t want to eat dining hall food.

I transferred out of that terrible school to a women’s centered college in Boston which had programming, people, and resources that helped instead of hindered me. Still, I was surrounded by predominantly women or people assigned female at birth, who all were at least raised with an expectation of those good unattainable body standards. Lots of friends were still extremely into restricting food and exercising almost to a fault. But something was different. I was much much less depressed and wanted to be participatory in a way that required me to make a change.

When I figured out I was queer and started dating other queer folks, getting rid of the straight cis male gaze, it didn’t magically cure me. I did, however, get to feel a little bit more human than object during my time there. I took active steps to helping myself, because I knew by my junior year of college that this was an issue that wouldn’t be going away on its own and barely eating was making it hard to both stay awake and be present in the things I wanted to do.

As a first step, I decided that I would stop looking at scales all together. It stressed me out too much to know if I was weighing “too much” or “too little” and came to the comfortable understanding that, as long as I fit in this one pair of yoga pants. Or something. I don’t really remember. I stopped telling myself that the world was over if I ate a brownie. Actually, I just kind of started to eat the sweets I think I deserved. Ate good food? Check? Deserving of chocolate? Also check.

And it was hard to swallow, literally, when I saw my hips get even half an inch wider or my collarbone fading more into me. And I panicked and tried to stop eating, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself hurt so much again. I had things to do now and a purpose and a future, not just a controlled environment of people who want to see me stay as small as possible. To “beat” the idea of largeness. To stay sick.

It still sucks. Every single day is a shitty battle with my own brain and body. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing better with it, like treating myself and not feeling like it’s the end of the world. Sometimes, I don’t , like when I use work being “too busy” for me to take a lunch break. 

Recently, I decided I wanted to start eating better and getting into shape by working out again. After a few days of eating healthily, but not adequately calorically, I started to fall down the same rabbit hole again. I need to stop eating carbs and meat and butter and cheese and oil and dessert and drink cold water because it burns more…wait. I had to stop.  

Little steps in the right direction.

Last night, I took a bath and watched my stomach bunch up and I thought to myself, oh god, what have I done? It used to be flat! Now it’s basically flat but there’s fat there. 

My eating disorder is never going to go away. Ever. It’s always going to be a part of me and how I interact with the world around me. Am I happy about this? No, not at all. If I could wish it away, I would.

Recognizing my negative behaviors and forcing myself to overpower them took 8 years and a whole bunch of therapists and friends who support me. There isn’t always some happy ending, but it’s not a sad ending either. In fact, there is no ending, at least not right now. It’s still going.

So that’s my story. Hope it helps or at least does not hurt anyone who has read it. I love you. Thank you for listening. 

[2slowgoers]

Ghosts of Christmases Past

Hi L,

I find that since it’s the end of the decade it’d be a good idea to write a tribute to all my fleeting memories of our friendship. Initially a challenge from you because you think I forget everything, I’ve used it as an exercise to remind me of why we’ve been able to become and stay so close in the relatively short 5, 6 years we’ve known each other. I realised that oftentimes it’s not the memory of our interaction but more so a feeling that stayed with me. Thus, the list you’ll see below is vague because I don’t really recalls details, but they’re there because they left a mark (I did use a few hints from my phone album). I’ll be writing this in chronological order from our first meeting to the last time we met in November

I’d love to hear if any of the things I write down are not in your memory or are remembered differently :) Memories are such a curious thing. 

-I think we were in front of LDC? But it was ISO and we were all getting to know each other and you complimented my fashion ;p I really appreciated it. I think at that time I had a pretty good impression of you and thought we might get along (I think I have a pretty accurate first impression of people for myself).

-I also remember me, TT, and ST visiting you in your dorm at Goodhue during spring term maybe? You said that T’s bf at the time had come to visit but I don’t remember that. I just remember you weren’t too happy then but I don’t remember why :\ maybe you were stressed from work?

-winter term after you came back from studying and trekking abroad, I remember feeling nervous messaging you about your trip. Somehow it felt like we didn’t get to talk too much about it during that first conversation, or at least it wasn’t fully positive. I think you’d opened up about the struggles of traveling alone as a woman and getting harassed then?

-feeling replaceable when you and T got close, wondering if y’all would have dated if you’d met earlier. Anyway we talked (I don’t even know how I managed to approach you about this lol), and you talked about being friends with couples in your past

-summer after second year, going to Monterey with your family and eating at the Italian bistro bc your dad loves Italian food

-you visiting me in Seattle that summer and getting high with R. We had lunch with some college mates and were planning to go out but instead y’all just napped all afternoon. That was annoying but funny still

-visiting you in Berlin that fall -- going to all those weird bars, and in the last bar this guy came to sit with us and you talked to him, telling him we were all in relationships and he fibbed that he also was in a relationship. Later you told me his breath stank lol (let’s not mention all the other wildness that night -- still traumatised by the racist heckling and the people openly having sex at KitKat)

-meeting up in Venice (it’s still one of my fondest places that we went to together), trying to find cheap aperitifs and drinking them in front of a church, and lamenting over how romantic everything was and how many couples there were everywhere

-you, TT and ST coming to visit me in Budapest and us going to ruin bars. We left early and I remember being woken up at like 4am to open the door for TT. Also walking around Margitsziget (the island), and going to the open-air thermal bath. Do you remember zipping around in a whirlpool with throngs of people in it? 

-me doing your hair in T’s room the following winter, with you sitting on a pile of newspapers on the ground. I think we were trying to dye your hair brown

-us cooking at your house with your hs friend H and then the garbage can set on fire (?!); I think you were trying to make carbonara that time but the eggs weren’t going great or something; it was also the first time I’d seen anyone microwave tomatoes

-you and V trying to eat her frozen coconut water from a box and using a knife to hack at it. I was so scared for your fingers

-us going to the career center training with a quarter of a watermelon and eating it with spoons. I loved eating watermelons like that and feel like I haven’t really eaten that way since :(

-our birthday picnic and going to Valley Scare -- do you remember being scared? I feel like most of the folks were freaked out by the clowns and I was trying to not exhibit any fear so the attention would get directed to everyone else

-that one group confession/conversation we had in our room where people brought up their insecurities and feeling left out; I later confided in you about my hesitance with everyone trying to uplift each other through their looks

-going tubing toward the end of the year with J and trying to blow up those damn tubes! You had to blow mine up eventually because I was running out of breath

-the next time going tubing with everyone and it being a mess! Definitely thought we were going to die a few times (there was one particular moment where some of us were trying to latch onto a tree but there were bugs on it, and behind us TT and someone else -- was it you? -- got stuck on a shallow pebbly area)

-during graduation, I pulled you and T together to introduce to my parents, purposely to pad their meeting with T. I was hoping also that your dad would get along w my dad but they barely talked :[ 

-visiting you and H with T in August! I remember paddle boarding with y’all (lots of fun), watching you all play games, and going to eat pizza and trying kombucha for the first time. That was a much needed break from my family then

-you and J coming to visit for my bday! We went to Ktown and sang karaoke and ate bbq (J said that while we were waiting in line some girl passed by and gave me a judging side-eye); watching the Parent Trap with you; us all sitting in the pool area and chatting (K and JN came with a cake! it was so good) about the future and all its unknown

-the two wonderful weeks in Taiwan :) the pace was good and I really appreciated having you show me your city (and also exploring new places with you). I remember waking up early and staring out your window as you snoozed next to me; your smelly dog and me not knowing how to pet him; going to the most beautiful little thermal spa (and taking advantage of our time there alone); going to night markets with you and of course getting my ears pierced :)); playing with super fluffy cats at the cat cafe; scoping cute stores and cafes at the artsy warehouse area; eating that nasty eel in Tainan; biking around in Tainan and then you getting bird poop on your scarf (!); the cute capsule hostel in Kenting; driving scooters around Kenting and being terrified of the wind. I’d love to do something like that again, with a nice pace to explore a place that’s less familiar to us both and maybe through a decolonized lens :)

-seeing you and J in the Bay Area after you moved there. We were taking all kinds of photos with different flowers in your neighborhood; going to First Friday in Oakland; eating at a cafe in Berkeley and spotting Nick Robinson even though you and J were sure I was mistaking him; us eating cioppino in that one seafood restaurant outside (I don’t think it was very impressive)

-you came back again in like October and we went to see A in the burbs. It was practically blizzarding and we tried to go to that one mall but ended up at a Mexican resto. I think we ended up going back to her place to play Life? 

-spending Christmas, another precious chill time :) painting ornaments; decorating the tree; you and that puzzle (which still lies on our floor); cooking everyday; watching Strong Girl; going to that comedy show with my cousin and walking back in the cold; going to see the Christmas lights and paying money to see a rather unimpressive “4d experience”; buying a butcher’s knife and you hacking away at some chicken bones happily because I was too scared to do it

-hiking in March was also fun! You chose a beautiful and lovely b&b. I remember exchanging music with you (lots of Spanish electropop); eating that overpriced hotpot; and taking a bunch of photos while waiting for pizza

-seeing you again in June (feeling claustrophobic; going to that strange queer fashion show), 

-August (going to see Yuna <3; that bike trip where you and T were going so fast; eating food at that little pagoda with our hodgepodge of food which was actually pretty good; having Thai temple brunch), 

-September (2x! Spending time with my sister and all the stress incurred on us both that came with it before and after; I really appreciated you being there for me; getting good vegan food and trying but failing to find a plan for M; and trying to find hotpot mix all over the store but it was right under our noses?? -- the 2nd trip you came to Chicago and we watched Hamilton!!) 

-and then November (going to see Mean Girls in NYC and you were waiting in line with that white saviour-seeming lady and the guy in the t-shirt; trying to meet each other’s friends; eating at Modern Love --still the most inspiring place I’ve eaten in 2019 aside from the Mexican Michelin place T and I went to for our anniv; walking around the park and you giving me a leaf for a bookmark which I actually kept for like a month)! 

So many times this year lol, often unexpected and last minute. I’m sure there are plenty other memories rolling around in the back of my mind but these are the ones I wanted to highlight. Although I don’t know when we’ll reunite next, I have no doubt we’ll continue to support and uphold each other no matter the distance and time. You’ve been such a funny, supportive, insightful, and passionate part of many of my best memories in these past few years. I don’t say it enough but I hope you recognise the influence you’ve had on my life and those of others. Thank you, and I love you <3

Onwards to 2020!

W (December 30, 2019)

[eastithoughtyousaidweest]

Seoul Train

6/19-6/24

Thanks for reading, you good lookin’ human, you! Whether you’re my mom (highly likely) or you’re a New York talent scout browsing the web for your next Internet superstar (slightly less likely), you’ve come to the right place. Because this, my friends, is Scotty B’s travel blog #3.

I’m actually writing this opening post about a week after I left Seoul, South Korea, staying with my friend Ben, because I haven’t had time to catch up. So it’s gonna be more of a hodgepodge of feelings and thoughts, and will most likely be semi-non-chronological. I hope that will not turn off those of you who are linear time-inclined.

Anyway, I arrived in Seoul on the afternoon of June 20 after a loooong flight across the planet. The best part of my flight was the woman sitting next to me, who was from Seoul. She initiated a conversation, and then about 10 minutes in, asked me if she could “ask me a very sensitive question about my culture.”

I said yes.

She told me she’s a leadership coach that works with a lot of businessmen, including her business partner and best friend in Albany, New York. He also happens to be gay. She brought this up because she described to me next how in Korea, it’s not socially acceptable to be gay. (After spending some time there and actually seeing some gay and trans bars in at least one neighborhood, things may be changing outside where her social circles take her, but overall, she’s right about the general taboo). However, when she comes to the U.S., she’s noticed that at the conferences she goes to, there’s been a steady trend of encountering more and more openly gay folks.

She said she truly is interested in trying to understand this better, and asked me if being gay was some kind of fad, or if it was truly these people’s identity. To which I responded that of course it was really who they are. I explained to her how many people had fought so that U.S. society would begin to open up to LGBTQ people, so that over time it’s become more acceptable to be gay.

She also asked me why there are so many gay people in the U.S. as compared to Korea, to which I responded that proportionally, it’s probably the same, but people are just not talking about it in Korea as much.

Finally, she asked me if being gay was perverse in some way, like a fetish, or if it was really how they felt. To which of course I said it’s real. “Oh, so society just distorts who they are?” she responded. Yup.

It was a super interesting insight into an outside perception and conception of homosexuality, someone who genuinely had just never lived in a place where that was accepted and so didn’t know anything about it. I’m not gay, but I still felt I’ve built enough relationships with queer folks and been exposed to a lot of gay culture to the extent that I could answer her questions confidently. But it really highlighted to me how sometimes I’ve looked at other cultures and been baffled by their beliefs or practices, but actually U.S. culture can be just as baffling to outsiders. In many ways, we’re all operating on very limited perceptions about how other places and people operate, and it’s only through conversations like this that we can start to not only understand where others are coming from, but also see that they’re much more relatable than we made them out to be. Which I think is a pretty good lesson in regards to U.S. politics these days. If we come in with a desire to understand better and are willing to give the time and energy to answer one another’s questions (of course taking into account who’s doing that answering and not putting work on marginalized people who don’t have the energy/time to do that work), maybe we’d come out a little more open-minded, a little less afraid to ask questions, and a little closer to seeing everyone as human.

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I did a whole lot in Seoul, from history museums to saunas, street food to buffets, meeting grandparents and taking shots.

But here, I’m just gonna tell you about my favorite place I went, which I think sorta capture all the most positive experiences of Seoul.

Ben and I hiked up Bukhansan, the tallest mountain in Korea north of Seoul. Buk means north, han is the old name for the geographic region of Korea, and san is mountain. North Korea mountain. But it’s not in North Korea. It is a mountain.

Anyway, despite the misleading name, Bukhansan is a beauty. It was lush and woodsy, a lot like forests in New Jersey or the rest of the NE U.S. It was pretty damn hot, although not much hotter than Washington D.C. in the summertime; Korea is about on the same latitude as our capital, so the weather is similar. And though it was only about half a mile high, it was steep as hell. We climbed up hills, stairs, boulders, sometimes walking between railings, sometimes holding onto railings desperately as we navigated up sloping flat rock faces, trying not to slip on their smooth granite surfaces. By the time we reached the top after 3.5 hours, my thighs, calves, knees, heels, and pretty much every other nameable part of my legs were wobbling. By the time we got back down 2 hours later, they were straight up collapsing under me.

But what really was beautiful was that the whole time, it was just me and Ben. singing, rhyming, having deep talks, and just fucking around. My best college friend since literally the first day we moved into the dorms. Bringing me into his world, where he grew up until he was 10, and I felt so privileged to be the one to get to do that with him. It was even more special because even though it was his home, he hadn’t been there since he was 17, so a lot this was new to him too.

We reached the peak of Bukhansan, the other mountains like round, tan islands in the sky around us, while Seoul stood faded and grey in the distance.. We sat on the top and ate some packed lunches of Korean fast food, rice and meat and sauce, and laid on the rock together for a while. The wind whipped around us, a Korean flag fluttered above us, and a memory cemented itself between us.

Even though I probably won’t see Ben again for a long time (or at least a few months, which is comparatively a long time when you’ve spent years seeing each other daily at dining halls, gyms, and open mics) I can’t think of a more freakin beautiful way to close this chapter of our friendship and prep ourselves for a new one.

This one’s for you Benji. Mwah.

<3 Scaht

[nofomoartworld]

Art F City: The AFC Guide to Inauguration Resistance Actions

I think I have more Facebook invitations to different demonstrations in Washington D.C. and New York this Friday than I have friends. If you live within a hundred miles of either city, it’s likely you already have inauguration protest plans. For those of us not presently near the respective political and media capitals, it can feel like we’re left out of the party. But don’t fret: we’ve reached out to artists in seven cities where we have a large number of readers—Baltimore, the Bay Area, Berlin, Chicago, Los Angeles, Mexico City, and Philadelphia—and got the scoop on where you can go while joining us in the #J20 art strike. It’s incredibly inspiring to see hundreds of thousands of RSVPs across the country and beyond. And after the demonstrations, we’ve found some fun nighttime activities to raise funds and solidarity for the long fight ahead.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20TH

Baltimore

Day: GO MARCH IN DC!

It’s a super-fast, super cheap MARC train ride, straight to the middle of the action. I know it’s a point of local pride that Baltimoreans turn the fuck out for protests, but let’s take the battle to them for once.

Night: Nasty Women & Bad Hombres: Inauguration Night in Baltimore

The Creative Alliance 3134 Eastern Ave, Baltimore, Maryland 21224 8:00 p.m. – 11:59 p.m.

Nonprofit art space The Creative Alliance is throwing a fundraiser ($15 suggested donation) for their program Artesenas Mexicanas, and it looks to be the stuff of Republican pesadillas on every level. Queer B-More Club diva TT The Artist (authoress of hits such as “I Just Want My Pussy Ate”) will be performing at a wild dance party. There will also be a drag soiree hosted by queen Betty O’Hellno, and collective project b1 will be hosting a workshop to make banners, which will be delivered to the White House on February 1st. Piñatas will be involved, and we have a suspicion certain political figures might be depicted in the craft.

Bay Area

Day: Protests Everywhere

Throughout Inauguration Day, famously rebellious Bay Area folx will be taking to the streets. In Oakland, there’s a whole day of actions, from teach-ins to protests of the ICE, starting early at 7 a.m. Across the bay, the day kicks off at 11:30 a.m. with a Pussy March from Market Street’s Embarcadero Station. Attendees of all genders are encouraged to wear “pussy protectors.” That wraps up around 2:00 p.m. Later, the local chapter of A.N.S.W.E.R. (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) is hosting an anti-Trump rally at United Nations Plaza (Civic Center BART station) at 5:00 p.m.

Night: 100 Days Action Inaugural Ball

Royal Nonesuch Gallery 4231 Telegraph Avenue, Oakland , CA , 94609 7:00 p.m. -10:00 p.m.

100 Days Action is a group of artists and activists looking to counter Trump’s first 100 days in office with actions of their own. To celebrate their own “inauguration,” they’re throwing a “fancy” ball, complete with drinks, a swearing-in ceremony (on a book of your choice, to a deity of your choice) and a performance by L.A. artist Teresita De La Torre, among others. If you’re planning on wearing heels to the ball, pack flats for the day’s many marches (I speak from experience).

Berlin

No to Global Trumpism at Brandenburg Tor

March begins at Alternativ für Deutschland, Schillstraße 9 at 5:00 p.m. Rally at Brandenburg Gate at 6:00 p.m.

Berliners know a thing or two about how bad of an idea walls are. That’s why an infamous border crossing is the perfect spot to say no to Trump’s xenophobic agenda and the potential rise of similar Right-Wing politicians across Europe.

The next day, at 11 a.m., there will be a solidarity Women’s March on Washington in Berlin, also at Brandenburg Gate and the American Embassy.

Chicago

Day: Protest at Trump Tower

401 N. WABASH AVENUE, Chicago, Illinois 60611 5:00 p.m. – 11:59 p.m.

Night: Hail to the Queef! A Middle Finger to the New Administration

Call Bar 1547 W Bryn Mawr Ave, Chicago, Illinois 60660 9:30 – 12:03 p.m.

Another evening of drag and burlesque, this time in support of The Southern Poverty Law Center. Bring $10, and marvel at the amazingness of this pun I wish I had come up with.

Performers: Emma Glitterbomb, Willie LaQueue, Mo Less, Hot Lunch, Diva LaVida, Rosemary Maybe, Ashley Morgan, Coco Sho-Nell, Whiskey Sixx, Jimmie Swagger, Hot Tawdry, Cruel Valentine, Prima Vera, Dirty Bird Burlesque, Nelly Clementine

Los Angeles

Day: United Against Hate-Inauguration March Los Angeles

Olympic & Figueroa- LA Live 800 W Olympic Blvd, Los Angeles, California 90015 11:00 a.m. – 6:00 p.m.

Night: Fight the Power: Inauguration night at Cinefamily

611 N Fairfax Avenue, Los Angeles, 90036 7:30 p.m.

L.A. nonprofit Cinefamily is hosting a screening night of protest films curated by Lost and Found Film Club. It’s free with an RSVP, and includes gems from the 1960s to 1990s.

After the film program, there will be a reception and sign-making party hosted by art collective/DJs Honey Power, in preparation for the LA Women’s March the next day at Pershing Square.

Mexico City

Morning Protests, Evening Protests, Protests All The Time

Ángel de la Independencia (11:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.) Paseo de la Reforma 350, 06500 Mexico City, Mexico Embajada Estados Unidos en México (4:00 p.m.) Paseo de la Reforma #305, 06500 Mexico City, Mexico

It should come as a surprise to no one that Donald Trump is really, really unpopular in Mexico. But it might surprise some to know that an estimated 700,000 Americans call this megacity home—meaning more US citizens live here than in our nation’s own capital. And we’re all fucking pissed too. Over the past week I’ve met a bunch of artists here working on a US-MX solidarity group, and we might have some performance shenanigans planned. At least one of the other demonstrations will feature work from local artists, performers, and poets.

But we also realized there are a bunch of other protests that day, centered around the Ángel de la Independencia (a national symbol) and the American Embassy. Conveniently, those two spots are a block apart. And they’re just on the edge of the city’s infamously rowdy gayborhood.

All of this is going down while Mexico is extremely unhappy with its own president, so demonstrations in the streets are common. At least one of the anti-Trump protests I’ve been invited to features an anti-homophobia march to the cathedral at Zócalo, so who knows where this will end up? But for those of us fortunate enough to be enjoying Mexico’s hospitality to foreigners, it’s important that we show up.

Philadelphia

Day: ResistTrump! Join the Philly Peoples Inauguration!

Thomas Paine Plaza, Philadelphia Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19102 3:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.

Night: Riot Nerd Presents: Burlesque & Punk Against Trump

The Barbary 951 Frankford Ave, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19125 7:00 p.m. – 10:30 p.m.

Man, if there is one demographic Trump has alienated, it’s gotta be the burlesque community. Here’s another strip-tease fundraiser (with punk bands!) for Planned Parenthood, featuring performances by The Up Up Ups, Kino Kimino, Bare and the Bold Burlesque, lady lazarus, Taylor Sweet, Kate Nyx, and Liberty Rose. There’s also a raffle to benefit PP (the kind Trump doesn’t like), with donations from businesses from guitar stores to tattoo parlors and comic shops. Rad. 

$8 advance, $10 at the door

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