#I actually finished this fellow last month and was going to make a whole batch of little guys and list them at the same time

[bookrat]

I have one (1) little Sinosauropteryx available for $200~

[sugarmaplewings-fics]

I'm Yours

Pairing: Kirishima x reader

Warnings: There's kissing. A lot of kissing. Just some teenagers being dumb really. No canon characters were harmed in the making of this fic. I didn't include a cheating aspect since I don't write for that kind of stuff, but there's still some jealous!Kirishima here >:3

Author's Note:

Uhhhh I kinda forgot to make this fluffy . . . .

Thanks to uwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwi from Wattpad for requesting! (that's a really fun username hehe)

Enjoy!

-Sugar

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Swamped.

That was the only way he could describe it. Kirishima didn’t think he’d ever been so busy, and he wasn’t the only one.

Finals had the entirety of the hero course stressed, especially the second-years like himself. Between training, doing homework, and going to class, there wasn’t exactly room for being social. Any time he was able to hang out with his friends, they were studying together. Nothing he'd really describe as 'fun'. And that’s what had him feeling the worst about all this.

He’d started dating you a few weeks ago��going on three months now, actually. Things had been going well between the two of you. You liked him and he really liked you, so to him, there hadn't been any type of problem.

Even so, there was something a little unique about your relationship: no one knew about it. You yourself were never one for letting others get too involved in your business. And besides, you also knew the nature of most high school relationships. Maybe you’d announce yourselves as a couple and make a big fuss only to grow tired of the other and end it all within the first month. But clearly, that hadn’t happened.

There was a strange thrill to keeping your relationship a secret; a novelty your boyfriend hadn't expected. Though he wasn’t much for dishonesty, Kirishima practically lived for the stolen glances across the classroom you’d share, and the way he’d sneak you behind the school for impromptu makeout sessions with no one ever the wiser. You were his little secret, and he was yours.

Until it had all come to a grinding halt with the extra schoolwork.

He still tried to make time to spend with you in one of your dorm rooms, but the both of you finally had to admit to yourselves that neither of you could get any work or studying done when you were alone together. And so it was back to study groups; holding hands under the table as either Bakugou or Yaoyorozu went over the newest batch of hero laws that needed to be memorized.

God, how he wished this could all be over. Kirishima just wanted things to be normal again. When was the last time he’d even seen you? He could remember watching the back of your head duck out of the classroom at the end of the day, but after? . . . Nothing.

He frowned at the physics worksheet laid before him, mind wandering to thoughts of you as one of his sharp teeth sunk into the eraser at the end of his pencil. Kirishima supposed he should go check on you later, once he’d finished up his assignments for the evening.

…

“Did you see (L/N) yesterday?”

Kirishima’s ears unconsciously perked up at the sound of your name. He stood with his tray in the lunch line directly behind some of his female classmates. They were chatting amongst themselves as they slowly stepped forward. Kirishima wasn’t generally one to listen in on conversations he wasn’t a part of, but now they’d captured his interest. Had one of them seen him sneaking into your room?

“No, I didn’t,” Uraraka said in response to Ashido. “Is she alright?”

“Of course she is,” the pink-haired girl said, rolling her abnormal black and amber eyes as she reached for a clementine. “Actually, she may be doing more than alright.”

Kirishima swallowed. Uh-oh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jirou asked, sounding largely uninterested in gossiping about her fellow classmate.

“Well,” Ashido began, bouncing a little on her toes, “I saw her on the tech floor yesterday and you won’t believe who she was talking to.”

“Who?” Jirou asked dryly, probably hoping to get the discussion over with as quickly as possible.

“Kobayashi Tatsuo. The third year,” Mina announced proudly.

The redhead behind them quietly sighed. Thank goodness. They still didn't know.

“And?” Uraraka questioned.

“They were totally flirting!” Ashido said. “(L/N)’s bagged a cute upperclassman boy! They’ll be dating soon, I just know it! If they aren’t already.” She smugly leveled her shoulders, grinning with an odd look of satisfaction.

What?

“I guess that’s good for her,” Jirou commented, picking up her tray from the lunch bar in order to follow her friends to a table.

“I know, right?” Mina said excitedly as they walked off. “And he’s totally cute too! I wish a hot guy would pay attention to me for once.”

Kirishima watched them leave, almost forgetting to grab lunch for himself after being so absorbed in what they were saying.

The majority of him knew he shouldn’t pay any mind to it. This sort of thing was bound to happen. Of course his peers try to figure out who was involved with who, even if it wasn’t really accurate or from the most credible source. The girls didn’t know that you were already taken by someone else, in fact, the very person behind them in line.

At least now he knew where you’d gone after class yesterday . . . but why? What were you doing on the tech floor? And who was this third year you were talking to?

He was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of Kaminari’s voice. Kirishima returned the greeting, sliding into his seat next to his friend. As he settled into the atmosphere of his usual table, he couldn’t help but scan the cafeteria for your face, just as he had done every day, even before you were dating.

But for the first time, his search came up empty. You were nowhere to be seen.

…

Kobayashi wasn’t exactly the person you wanted to be spending your lunch with.

Really, a part of you wondered why you had to skip going to the cafeteria at all today. But then you remembered the stack of work that sat on your desk. It stubbornly refused to ever shrink, no matter what you did. Recently, it felt like as soon as you got one thing done, two more assignments would find their way right back at the bottom. And this was just another one you had to deal with.

While reviewing your materials for your upcoming finals, you’d begun to take note of other heroes’ costumes and support items. Particularly, you’d taken interest in a hero from Ukraine who’d debuted a few decades ago. Your quirk was wildly similar to his and you couldn’t help but further research his techniques, costume, and gadgets that enhanced his abilities.

You weren’t one to copy. Actually, you quite liked the way your current costume functioned and looked, with its own unique style of your own. Even so, you’d read things about him and his quirk that you honestly hadn’t even thought of for yourself, and you’d begun to make a special section in your notebook for improvements to your hero ensemble. Was it the best use of your time? Perhaps not, but you did have a practical exam coming up, and a part of you couldn’t help but wonder if these improvements you were sketching might make all the difference in your performance . . . .

You decided you could use an upgrade. Which is exactly why you went to the second-year in the support course who was in charge of making adjustments to your costume. Until your hopes were immediately dashed when you found out he was sick. Determined, you went to the next best option: Kobayashi.

He was a nice enough boy. Tall, witty, and a whole year older. You hadn’t expected to be spending so much time with him over the past week, but for whatever reason, he kept calling you back to his workspace in the shop for ‘daily check-ins’. At least he was making good progress.

But now you were spending your lunch hour eating with him. It felt strange, being alone in a different classroom with the guy—not an uncomfortable strange, merely “I’m not used to being here”. You’d let him borrow your notebook full of sketches for your costume, and that’s what he was going over with you now.

He’d ask you for clarification on one of your notes before jotting something down of his own right next to your handwriting. He had also been eager to show you his process, explaining the steps of what he was doing while you ate from your bento.

To be honest, it was kind of nice being in a different setting. Kobayashi was fun to listen to; it was clear he was passionate about what he was doing.

But still, he ran out of things to talk about. That was, when it came to your hero suit. Figuring it was too late to go back to the cafeteria anyway, he ate his own lunch with you, striking up a new conversation.

At first, you didn’t pay any mind to it. But then you began to take notice of how close he sat. Then you realized how eager he was to make you laugh, how smoothly the casual chatter flowed between you. And then it struck you just how much he peppered in compliments to you. Finally, it clicked.

Uh-oh.

You refused to meet his gaze when he waved you off after the bell rang. Dashing away, you wondered how serious he might be. Did he actually like you? No, perhaps you were overthinking the situation.

Then again, he had been being awfully nice to you ever since you’d met. But what if that was just how he was? Kaminari could be like that at times, and you knew he didn’t usually mean anything too serious behind it. Or—well—perhaps Denki the Flirt was a bad example for your case. Still . . . how were you supposed to make it clear to Kobayashi that you weren’t interested?

You shook your head to clear it of these thoughts. He hadn’t actually done anything, so what was the point of worrying about it? You were loyal to Eijirou, you knew that. You’d made a commitment to him just as he had to you, and that was all there was to it. No matter what, you’d continue whatever it was you had with him. Kobayashi wasn’t an issue you should be losing sleep over. Besides, you were probably reading too far into things anyway.

Content with the conclusions you’d made, you walked back into your homeroom class for fifth period. Settling into your seat, you faced the chalkboard in front of you, awaiting the return of Aizawa-sensei, unaware of the pair of ruby eyes fixed on your back.

…

Kirishima shot up from his desk the moment he heard a soft knock on his door. As soon as he opened up his room, you came barreling into his arms. “Hey!” he greeted you, reciprocating the hug.

“Study break!” you announced quietly, not wanting to alert his neighbors of your presence.

He tittered happily to himself, leading your bodies back to his desk where he could sit you on his lap in his chair. Settling comfortably on his thighs, you were quick to slot your lips against his. Kirishima melted into your touch.

How many days had it been since he’d last gotten a chance to kiss you? Two? Three? Either way, it had been far too long.

“Shall we take this to the bed?” he joked after a few minutes of kissing.

You chuckled at his harmless allusion. “You know I’m going to fall asleep as soon as I lay down.”

He brushed a stray strand of hair out of your face, concern morphing his features. “Have you been getting enough rest with all this going on?”

“No,” you admitted. “I was up last night with my English flashcards. I swear Present Mic is trying to kill me with this new vocab, it’s like I can’t get it in my head at all.”

“I could help you study it,” your boyfriend offered, his hands resting lightly on your waist.

“That would be productive,” you said sarcastically with a roll of your eyes. “What was it last time? ‘If I get a set right, I’ll get a kiss’ and then next thing I know, we’re making out on your bed for twenty minutes.”

He grinned up at you coyly. “At least I made studying fun.”

“That wasn’t studying!” you protested with a grin. “Speaking of, my timer’s going to go off soon—” you pressed your lips against his for a moment, “—and I want more kisses.”

Kirishima let you have your way with him, threading your fingers through his hair while you savored the taste of his lips. But there was something still nagging at the back of his mind.

“(Y/N)?” he asked when your phone buzzed and you pulled away. “Where were you during lunch today?”

You shrugged, pulling your phone out of your pocket to silence it. “I’m getting improvements on my hero costume. My regular guy got sick so I’m working with this third-year dude.”

“Ohhh.” Kirishima’s worries dissipated almost instantly. “So that’s why you were on the tech floor.”

Confused, you frowned. “Did you see me there or something?”

“Oh, sorry! I just overheard Ashido saying that she saw you down there.” He laughed. “She thought you were flirting with him or something and that you were going to end up dating.”

“Ah, well,” you mumbled, “I wasn’t sure if I should say anything or not but he, um, actually might have been flirting with me.”

Kirishima’s smile dropped, his arms subconsciously squeezing you tighter to him. “What?”

“I only noticed it today—it totally could be nothing—but I think he’s caught feelings? I mean, why else would he ask me to have lunch with him like this? Not to mention how he was smiling at me, and looking at me, and touching my hand—” You bit your tongue, stopping yourself from saying anything else. Maybe this was more serious than you realized.

Your boyfriend was silent, staring at the floor below you with a troubled expression. His ruby eyes traced over the rectangular patterns on his floor, seemingly lost in thought.

“You know that nothing’s going to happen,” you attempted to reassure him, lifting his chin with one of your fingers so he could look into your eyes. “Those feelings aren’t reciprocated and I’m not going anywhere. I’ve already picked you, Eijirou. There’s no one out there like you.” You pressed a kiss to his forehead, sealing your statements, not only to him but to yourself. “We’ll sort this out. If I have to tell Kobayashi I’m taken, then so be it. Maybe keeping our relationship a secret isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be.”

When you pulled back, you noticed that there was still a pout on Eijirou’s face.

“Aw, what is it?” you asked, tucking one of his fallen sticky spikes back under his bandana.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged, pulling you even closer to him.

“Talk to me, baby.” You ran a hand down his back.

“I don’t like the thought of him being around you,” he confessed into your shoulder. “I . . . don’t want him smiling at you like that, or touching you, or letting people think that you belong with him. You’re . . . mine.” He paused before laughing dryly, hiding his face in the crook of your neck. “I’m sorry. That sounded . . . totally selfish of me and probably not very manly at all—”

“No,” you said simply. “It’s actually kinda hot.”

He pulled back to look at you, perhaps to see if you were joking. Your expression was intrigued, maybe a little flustered. “Really?”

“Yeah.” You swallowed. “I . . . like when you call me yours. It’s cute. And besides, it’s okay that you feel that way. Feelings don’t have to make sense. I'm frustrated about this too.” Pecking his lips a final few times, you regretfully stood from his chair. “I wish there was something more I could do right now, but I should get going. I promised Tsu and Uraraka I’d meet up with them. We can talk about this later.”

“See you, (Y/N),” Kirishima said.

You smiled and waved, turning to the door and checking to see if anyone was in the hall before slipping back out. Kirishima watched you go, wondering what he should do.

Kirishima hadn’t even met the guy and he already hated him. Sure, Kobayashi wasn’t aware you were taken, and he had every right to show interest in you, but that was supposed to be Eijirou. It was Kirishima’s job to flirt with you and be there for you and sweep you off your feet. Your classmates should be shipping you with him, not this random guy from another year.

The redhead sighed. He shouldn’t let himself get so caught up in this. He knew you were capable of sorting this out on your own, and if you really needed him, Kirishima would help you. He couldn’t start getting whiny like some kind of child.

Besides, your friends could think whatever they wanted. It couldn’t affect your relationship. They were just high school kids. They didn’t even know what they were talking about.

Despite the fact he was trying to get back into focusing on his work, Kirishima’s mind couldn’t help but wander. Maybe once exams were over you could finally announce that the two of you were together. Then you wouldn’t have to sneak around so much anymore. He could hug you whenever he wanted, and you could sit on his lap during movie night. He’d be able to kiss you in front of his friends, no problem. Maybe, just to see the look on his face, he’d kiss you in front of—

No, no. Japanese Literature. That was what he was supposed to be thinking about right now. The sooner he finished his work, the sooner he’d be able to see you again.

…

Finally it was Saturday afternoon, and you knew you had an entire day to take things a little easier tomorrow. Maybe you’d even try to take the evening off and spend some time with your boyfriend. But of course, you had to meet with Kobayashi about your hero costume first. Hopefully it would be quick, and perhaps even the last time.

You walked down to the tech floor, heading straight for the workshop. You needed your suit for the practical exam next week, so you hoped he was ready for you.

Peeking into the room, you spotted him putting something into a very familiar case.

“Oh, are you finished?” you asked, walking in.

“Yeah,” he said brightly. “You’re all set, (L/N).”

“Thanks,” you said.

“Here,” he popped the little box open, showing off the finalized improvements he’d done and the changes he’d made that you’d spoken about together. He walked you through everything and you listened politely, asking the occasional question. Even with the newfound bitter taste in your mouth at being around him, you had to admit he'd done a spectacular job.

“That should be everything,” you said, ready to go. “Thanks for working with me.”

“No problem.”

Satisfied, you began to walk away.

“Wait, (L/N).”

Apprehensive, you stopped, turning back to him. “Yeah?”

“I was just wondering,” he began, bashful, “if you’d like to grab lunch with me sometime.”

You frowned, apologetic. “I can’t, Kobayashi senpai.”

“Why not?” He looked hurt.

You winced. “I’m already involved with someone else.”

“You’re just ‘involved’?” he asked dubiously, the expression on his face changing. “Please give me a chance. I can see that you feel something for me too. Whoever you’re with, I could be better.”

“I’m not interested,” you said firmly, any momentary sympathy you might have felt evaporating. “Goodbye, Kobayashi.”

He let you go, watching as you walked stiffly out of the classroom. As soon as you rounded the doorway, you felt something grab you. Gasping, you startled, but you were quick to register a familiar head of red hair. You saw Kirishima put a finger to his lips, pulling you further down the hall and towards the empty stairwell for some privacy.

He pushed you up against a blue-gray wall, grinning at you with hooded eyes.

“Eiji, what—?”

“I heard the whole thing,” he murmured, leaning in and capturing your lips for a quick kiss. “I thought that guy might make a move on you so I followed you down here. You held your own.” He kissed you again; this one longer, his tongue sneaking its way into your mouth. “You’re really mine, aren’t you?” he murmured against your lips, a stubborn trace of hesitancy still present and quavering in his voice.

“Of course I am, Eiji,” you whispered, touching your forehead to his. “I’m yours.”

He surged against you again, kissing you hungrily and pinning you even harder against the solid surface behind you.

You gasped against his force, eyebrows drawing together as you struggled to keep up. “Ei—” you tried. “Not here, let’s go someplace else.”

“Who cares?” he murmured, uninterested in stopping.

“Me. I don’t want to get caught by a teacher or a random fifteen-year-old. We could get in trouble.”

Kirishima sighed, finally drawing back for a moment to meet your eyes. “Okay, fine. But we’re going straight to my room, right?”

You snorted. “Where else do you think I want to be?”

He smirked, taking your hand again. “Good answer.”

Kirishima briskly walked you back to the dorms, his hand migrating ever lower down your back. It wasn’t long before he was sitting you on his lap in his bed, mouth once again connecting with yours right where it belonged.

You weren’t sure he’d ever kissed you like this before, in all the time you’d been together. His passion blazed before you, unrelenting as your teeth and tongues crashed together. He nipped at your lips until they flushed and swelled, and you knew they’d be noticeably bruised by morning but neither of you stopped. He kept going, trailing more kisses from the corner of your mouth, to your jaw, and all the way down your neck only to return right back to your parted lips whispering his name.

Kirishima’s room had never felt so hot and stuffy, even as he pulled off his uniform jacket and helped you out of yours. His cheeks burned red as his eyes, so caught up in what he was doing, the only thoughts his mind was still capable of having were simply You.

It went by in a haze. He wasn’t sure when exactly he’d lowered you onto his pillow, or how long he’d been hovering over you and caging you in with his arms as he cherished you.

But he knew one thing. His love for you wasn’t something he could hide anymore. No, he’d never let anyone think they stood a chance with you again while he was around.

One day soon, he would kiss you good morning at breakfast. One day, you’d hold hands in the halls on the way to class. One day, he’d pull you in close after school, slinging an arm around your hips just so he always knew you were there at his side.

But he was happy to be here with you now. He was happy to be your secret. He was happy, even as his kisses began to soften and slow, content with the way your body melded against his as he laid himself at your side and hugged you closer. All that mattered was that you were here with him now, and he was yours.

And you were his.

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[queensdivas]

Hidden Blade Chapter 1

Y’all I’ve been to excited for this because I loved this movie with a passion. (Nothing beats Bohrap btw but damn 6 Underground was awesome not just because of Ben. Though he really made the movie even better.) If you’d like to be tagged in future chapters please hmu! 

Please enjoy and I’ll see you guys in the next chapter or one of my updates. I’m on a train ride to London from Edinburgh so it’s about five hours. I plan on getting a crap done this ride so you might be seeing multiple updates! 

Enjoy! 

Next Chapter

Masterlist

Governments should always be in fear of who they govern over..those who are being governed should never be living in fear of who they are ruled over. Yet we live in a world where those in power abuse it badly so they can live the lavish life of the vices, greed, lust, and even the gluttony of having everything at their feet. Those who suffer under those sadly are living in a society in fear, hate, and uncertainty of whether they’ll be okay by the end of the day. 

That’s where I come in. 

You have to start somewhere small in order to cause a chain reaction. That lovely snowball effect. I start small by cutting off the suppliers resources, such as their plants, dirty shacks, and even the old warehouses. Once the resources are extinguished, I then move up to those in high up positions in order to really cause the rolling to begin. 

Yet I was given an opportunity to do a little more good with a lot less strings attached. Who doesn’t love a little more freedom. But what I was offered was complete freedom and who wouldn’t want complete freedom. 

You ever played the Assassins Creed games? I like to consider myself a walking version of that except no magical abilities, no special creed, or even a long line of ancestors that are meant to look similar and only the first three or four games nailed the similarities. Not the point. For those of you who’ve never heard of those games, imagine someone who's able to scale an entire flat building, stand on top of a metal cross, and even have some really cool equipment to help get the job done. We’ll be getting to those a little later. 

My name is eight. The Assassin. 

What’s the difference between a Hitman and Assassin you ask? One gets paid to do any form of killing for money, the other one does it for either political or religious reasons in this world of ours. But you both kill people? True. Never declared myself a saint anyhow in this world so shush! Story time! 

I pulled up to one of the abandoned planes to turn off my 4runner and climb out. Love the whole abandoned airfield look for the hideout. Really gives that fast and furious sort of vibe. How many movies are in the series anyhow? 

A ram truck came pulling up next to my 4runner as I began grabbing all my junk to hopefully store somewhere that was a little more secure than my new apartment here in California. Keeping a bunch of ropes, weapons, and my vast amount of foreign fruit would get me busted and I certainly love my Nectarine! 

“Glad to know I wasn’t the only one brought into this little adventure.” He appeared in front of me as I swung my duffle bag right on my shoulder. I closed the door as I turned to see him all dressed in american/military gear. An American soldier? Real power move.  

“Glad to see we got ourselves a soldier. Eight.” I held my hand out to him as he shook it. 

“Seven. At Least according to that dude.” He pointed as one came out of a tiny airplane and smiled. 

“Weird to see you not looking like a GAP model.” He showed up at my apartment in Israel looking like he walked out of Sunday church for some god knows reason. At first I thought he was apart of Jehovah's witness but as you can see we’re about to kill some mother fuckers.

“Ah really funny. Come meet the rest of us oh so lovely fellow campers.” We walked into the base as a women with blonde hair was reading a map while another woman was reading what looked like some sort of medical book. 

“Ladies this is seven and eight our newest batch of newbies. The one reading the map is two and in the cap is five. Not sure where the other two are but I imagine they’ll be showing up sometime soon.” I gave them a small wave as I put my bag on the ground next to the large table. 

“Look who finally showed up. Four this is seven and eight our eyes from the sky.” He tossed his hoodie down on the table as he gave us a small smile. The last member came into the room which is what I’m assuming was three. 

“There’s this trick that we all do to get through our day. We take a box and into that box, we place all the horrors of the world, all the wrongs humans do to one another. And then we close the box and pretend it doesn’t exist. Only some of us spend too much time inside the box. We’ve lost our ability to pretend. We know there’s too much unfinished business in this messed up world. Our job as ghosts is to do the dirty work the living can’t or won’t. And we do it from here. This is our haunted house. It’s a lot like the Batcave, except it’s nothing like the Batcave. Seven, eight. You’re dead. You’re gonna be restricted to cities that you’ve never visited before. People that you’ve never met. All of course your fellow ghost, none of whom you’ll know by name, only number, for safety, and so no one gets too close.” I mean. All we need is a butler, some random child to say “geez guys” and I think we would be set. 

“So basically what we’re doing is a sense of a justice league but with no moral codes?” Asking as One nodded. 

“Yes. Except Wonder Women uses guns and Batman is okay with killing people.” I..okay that works. 

“Each one of us has our own little gifts we bring to the table and now that we’ve required you two, we now officially have a set team.” 

“We’re like the A-Team but on steroids except Mr. T is this guy.” The Spainard commented as everyone just stared him down. 

“In your vast dreams.” One commented.

“Will we be required to wear matching rings?” Asking which made I believe his name is four chuckle a little. 

“Funny. Alright c’mon I wanna show you two something.” We all followed him into another room where a wall covered with nine pieces of paper with a single roman numerals on each one. 

“This is our target hitboard. These nine fuckers have been placing too much shit inside the box. So now they answer to us. Target number one: this prick. The Dictator of Turgistan Roach Alimov.” I walked over to his photo and began studying the guy. Radiates small dick energy already from all the work I’ve done over there, kind of like Kim Jong-Un except he doesn’t flaunt his money. 

“God I’m really craving french fries. Can we finish this over at Luckies?” I believe he’s three asked the group as I began walking past the other eight pieces of paper as I lightly saw their faces. Efrain Gracian. He runs the largest drug cartel in Mexico and has been killing a shit ton of innocent people in their villages. Oh my god they put Kim Jon-Un on their target list hell yeah. 

“So we plan on just killing all these pricks because they keep shitting on their countries and the rest of the world?” Leaning against the wall facing them as one nodded. 

“I say we finish this thing at Luckies. I’m really feeling a shitty beer to set the mood of introductions.” One began walking out of the fort as everyone else followed except for me as I looked at the wall again. Figured there would be less on the board in all honesty. 

~~~

I slipped into the booth with myself facing the middle of the window and the inside of the restaurant, seven sitting to my left while four was on my right. To think that I’m now officially dead and I cut all my ties off when I left home so no funeral. Bet they thought I was already dead anyhow so this works nicely. 

“So what do you bring to the table?” I was asked as I tossed my car keys on the table. 

“The soundless steps of a killer is what I bring to the table. You guys make a shit ton of noise if I think I know who you are. I’m assuming you guys we’re the one destroying Florence?” His eyes widened a little which makes my assumption correct cause these fuckers really had fun in Florence. 

“Florence was an absolute disaster.” He stopped talking as the waiter came to the group. 

“A round of Heineken for everyone. Then whatever else they want.” I ordered as everyone smiled a little as they began ordering their preferred drinks. 

“Figured you’d be a good match since you graciously just bought us all drinks. So if you’re a soundless killer, who have you eliminated?” You can thank the new democracy in South Sudan, and ending an entire sex trafficking operation in Chad. Both we’re super difficult to achieve but damn I did an awesome job. Both were run by major cunts obviously and took months of planning to even get close to them. 

“Who do you think got rid of the cunt from South Sudan?” Seven looked over at me then leaned across the table. 

“You killed Zafir Bahri?” Seven asked as I nodded. 

“Yup. Yet it was one of my most difficult assassinations since I had to make a break for it in the countryside. Kind of stuck out like a sore thumb till I made it to a reservation station.” The waitress came with the first round of beers. Four took a big gulp of his beer then sighed. 

“Alright if we’re going to show off what our past selves have done. I got the chance to steal a 5.0 carat ruby necklace that had two smaller diamonds that were about 4.2 carats that was about 100,000 dollars worth.” Yet he’s sitting here in an American restaurant drinking some shitty beer and eating high heart attack food? Sounds about right. 

“And here you are in America drinking Heineken and about to eat a very greasy double cheeseburger. Cheers” I grabbed my bottle as he did for us to clink our bottles together. Four seems super chill actually and now I’m kind of curious how he pulled off that heist. 

“So. What’s the absolute best thing about being dead? I mean you don’t have to pay taxes anymore.” Seven asked the entire group as they all had an inner conversation with themselves about the best part of being deceased. 

“No more dmv lines, no more shopping for Christmas.” Christmas has always been stressful for my old life and I didn’t even celebrate it!

“Or backstabbing girlfriends.” Raising my eyebrow at four. Damn someone broke his little heart. I’d play the worlds saddest song on the tiniest violin but not sure if he would get the reference. 

“They should make an “Out of office” reply for dead people. Sorry I’m away from the planet right now. I’m fucking dead.” That’s a bit much but if it makes her feel better about being dead then let her do her own thing. 

“No more tax, no more criminal records, no more getting arrested by the pigs just for being naked and or just the usual stuff. You know, being naked, getting drunk. Casual stuff.” How is being naked casual? Since when is being naked considered casual in any standard? 

“Umm. How is being naked any form of being casual?” He took a drink of his beer as he licked his lips.

“Ya know. Just walking around naked on your balcony or even on your front porch. It’s a casual thing.” I..I still don’t see that as a casual thing. Around the house yes because oversized t-shirt and underwear is always a comfy.

“Is that like when Jersey people say it’s a jersey thing?” Before he could answer One chuckled a little. 

“Guys. You’re all wrong. The best thing about being dead is the freedom. I mean, we’re all gonna die. May as well do it while we’re alive, right? When you’re young, you lock yourself into all of these bad decisions. Marriages, mortgages, and all that kind of stuff. But you die. It’s all escaped. Poof! Gone! From that point forward, all that matters is what you choose. The point is that we should bring seven and eight behind the curtain. You wanna hand me those over there?” Three handed him a bunch of plastic cups as leaned a little more forward on the table. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see him quickly glancing away back at the demonstration. Guess he’s kind of cute, not exactly sure how getting involved with people on the team is viewed. Rather avoid the whole situation. 

“Alright here. A little deminsation, no technology. So this is how to stage a coup in three not so easy steps. Alright you got a country, Turgistan right? These are the people, nice people, going about, doing their thing. Then you got the four generals, cuatro cunts, very bad guys. But there’s one worse guy. That’s the piece of shit dictator, right there at the top.” Sounds about right. That was basically the entire set up in South Sudan. 

“Don’t forget his brother.” Brother? Oh yeah, the guy has a brother that basically has been isolated or off the face of the earth at this point. Gotta love it when Governments hide those wanting a better world, or hiding sick pedophiles when they fake suicides so they don’t go to prison or end up being executed. 

“Democracy loving brother.” So we’ve got a shitty dictator and a loving democratic. Of freakin’ course!

“He’s the key. So we’re gonna hit the four generals. They’re gonna lead us to the brother.” 

“You kill top Generals, you fuck the dictators day.” Three shoved a few French fries in his mouth. 

“Can confirm.” I took a big gulp of my beer as I leaned back against the booth.

“Second thing we're gonna do is free the brother. And the last thing we’re gonna do is we’re gonna say goodbye to piece of shit dictator and hello to democracy loving brother.”

“It all goes down in four months, El Dia de los Muertos, The Day of the Dead.” Kinky.

“Oh that’s it?” Seven and I looked at each other for the both of us to nod in approval of the plan. 

“Um well that’s pretty simple ya know. The cups.” I took a drink of my beer as I began mentally seeing the whole plan in my head. 

“Wonderful presentation.” We’re gonna die aren’t we?

“So we’re all gonna die?” At this point I say that’s a hard yes. 

“Not me.” What confidence she has because there’s something about her that just kind of scares the shit out of me. Must be something federal in her former life.

“She’s not, we all are. Painfully.” Peachy. Real fucking peachy. But hey I’m already technically dead so this works out perfectly in the end. Just when my body shows up at someones house or is found floating on the coast, going to be quite a headache trying to figure out since I’m already dead. 

Maybe I should be more optimistic with this new life. Could be worse. I could be stuck in a work camp in Siberia. Maybe we just see where this goes and if it doesn’t end well I just disappear into the unknown. Sounds like an absolute plan! 

Taglist:

@bonafiderocketqueen @filmslutt @imjustboredso @intoanothermind @4lendow-norris @wickedholland 

@takemetoneverland420 @art-flirt @intoanothermind @raylan-c

[cheshiresense]

so i'm curious about the hunger au. how do the other arcos decided that they like tsuna?

Uhhhh this will probably require some jumping around since I definitely haven’t thought about most of the details in this AU. Also, I feel like it’ll take a lot to actually get to the point where all the arcobaleno like Tsuna. So how about I just write a bit of POV for a few of the other arcobaleno of when they first learn about Tsuna.

Edit: Ugh, Colonello’s bit turned long, so you only get him and Viper in this one, and like three lines of Lal.

Pinglist: @yoshifics @bewarethemandragora @runeofluna @selenedreamwalker @hypnos28 @verticallychallengedintrovert @fandommaniac2401 @lovingempress @cynthia-of-the-wallflowers @shadowsofmoonracer @pairp @warriorofbooks @charlottedabookworm @lyra689​ @sheyrenawyrsabane @sora-the-empress @xadriannax @yumeniai @arrysa @lirial89-fanfiction @skysong246 @caiahat @grimreaper19 @arosethornbyanyothername @mtkiseki @kaminoko-x @nesskyru @tatarako @parklena42 @zibeth-a @aerdnanocte @timegrenades @healingmichiko @shiko-rae @soraofmelody @fandoms-make-the-world-go-round @north-peach @yannilicious @wolfsrainrules 

Viper:

Viper doesn’t leave. They should, they know they should. Reborn may have lost his mind (again), but Viper knows better than to fall for this song and dance a second time.

But logic of all things makes them hesitate. They hover there, right outside this barrier made of Sky Flames stronger than anything Viper’s ever felt. They think about Reborn, and yes, the hitman’s always been quick with his threats, but not… not like he was earlier, all desperation and urgency and stone-cold certainty.

He would’ve shot Viper dead right then and there if Viper hadn’t complied, and for Reborn of all people - who’d arguably felt Luce’s betrayal deepest - to turn on his fellow Arcobaleno, and for the Sky Arcobaleno at that, after everything they’ve suffered, it makes Viper wonder.

Reborn was always a bit of a fool about Luce, before they found out the truth. But he isn’t stupid, and the greatest hitman in the world didn’t get to be that by making the same mistake twice.

So Viper hesitates, because logic says Reborn should be on the other side of the planet right now. Logic says he would’ve warned the rest of them as soon as he found out.

Logic says that even if the new Sky Arcobaleno only learned how to feed off his elements’ Flames after he met Reborn, Viper would’ve still started feeling the violation again months ago. Everyone knows when Reborn was sent to train the last eligible Nono-approved Vongola heir.

But they didn’t. Nothing’s changed since Luce died.

And Viper needs to know why.

Just a quick look, they tell themselves as they slip through the hole they made for Reborn. Just a quick look to see what’s wrong - because clearly something has to be wrong with Iemitsu’s son, he’s not acting like the Sky Arcobaleno at all - but after that, Viper would leave, as quickly as they can book the first flight out of Japan, even if they’re overcharged.

They follow the tug of Reborn’s Pacifier up to one of the bedrooms, and they enter just in time to witness Reborn all but force-feeding a piece of his Sun core to Tsunayoshi Sawada.

Viper is an assassin for the Varia, their stomach might as well be cast-iron. They still think they might just hurl.

“Get out if you can’t stomach it,” Reborn orders, because of course he saw Viper come in. He hasn’t looked away from the frail-looking husk of a boy on the bed though, and there’s something, something in the way Reborn has a hand on the boy’s pulse even as he prods the Sky into a more comfortable position that makes Viper feel like they’re intruding.

And normally, that wouldn’t bother them. But this time, they float back out of the room without a word, closing the door for good measure. When they close their eyes, they don’t even have to focus particularly hard to feel the Sun-Sky bond a mere few feet away, strong and bright and bursting with power, nothing like the brittle links of rot and decay that their bonds with Luce had been reduced to from the moment she betrayed them.

Viper takes a deep breath and - for now - pushes aside the hair-trigger instinct to flee.

They do not leave. They settle against the far wall and wait.

Colonello:

It feels like both forever and not long enough since the last time Colonello saw any of his fellow Arcobaleno. On one hand, most of the time when they gathered together in the past, it was to either visit Luce, discuss half-heartedly whether any of them had found a way to break the Curse, or check in with each other to see if they’d discovered who the new Sky Arcobaleno is. On the other, Colonello hasn’t had a decent workout in ages. Reborn’s appearance at least promises some high-level sparring.

Reborn with Viper though… That’s a new one.

He waits for them to find him, the way they usually do when they’re in Mafia Land, but hours go by, and as far as Colonello has heard from the grapevine, both Reborn and Viper remain in the civilian sector where relatives of mafiosi usually frequent. It’s where the… calmer rides are found, along with food and drink and other entertainment facilities that don’t involve an overabundance of violence.

What in the world would Reborn and Viper be doing over there?

Colonello finishes delivering his routine ass-kicking to the latest batch of  overconfident mafiosi attempting one of his obstacle courses, and then his curiosity wins out, and he tells his men that he’s going on break early.

He finds them easily enough, although he wonders briefly why his Pacifier doesn’t glow. That’s  easily forgotten when he spots them, and he can only stare for a long moment. They’re at one of those ridiculous game booths where you have to shoot balloons with one of those plastic dart gun to win prizes. The whole thing’s undoubtedly rigged, but Reborn - who’s wielding the shitty gun - is popping balloons like no tomorrow while Viper hovers menacingly nearby, staring down the poor bastard who’s manning the booth. Colonello doesn’t doubt that they’ve received a discount per round.

And… there’s a boy. Colonello can only see his back from where he’s perched in a nearby tree, but he’s thin as a rake, small and harmless, couldn’t possibly be over the age of eight. He’s standing beside Reborn, giggling at whatever disparaging remark Reborn is saying about either the gun or the game or maybe the dismal attempts to manipulate how many people would be able to win anything. The hitman pops the last balloon, tosses the gun down with a disdainful sniff, and then turns to the boy and gestures at the prizes.

The boy comes back with three stuffed animals - a chameleon that looks remarkably like Reborn’s Leon, a floppy-looking salamander, and an oversized lion. He gives the chameleon to Reborn, who rolls his eyes but takes it and somehow manages to hold it without looking like an idiot. The salamander goes to Viper, who visibly heaves a long-suffering sigh but accepts the thing all the same, making it float beside them and even seemingly come to life with a few well-placed illusions so that it hisses at anybody who wanders too close to the group. The boy hugs the lion, looking bafflingly happy about the stuffed toy. It isn’t even that well-made, in Colonello’s opinion.

What the heck is going on?

They turn as a group, drifting towards the rollercoaster ride nearby, which just so happens to be in Colonello’s direction. He gets one clear look at the boy’s face - Sawada’s kid, slated to be Vongola Decimo, that’s right, Reborn was going to train him - and then he’s practically blindsided by the innocuous-looking pacifier hanging around the kid’s neck, wrapped in a chain and not glowing but unmistakeable.

What the fuck.

He subconsciously takes a step back and then goes crashing to the ground because he forgot he was in a tree. Even more unfortunately, the noise definitely serves to draw the attention of both the other Arcobaleno and Sawada’s kid - the Sky Arcobaleno, Colonello thinks rather hysterically - and before Colonello can really think about it, he’s reaching for his rifle.

That’s all he gets to do though before a handgun has been leveled between his eyes and the chilly weight of Viper’s Flames lurk just at the edge of his senses, as much a threat as it is a warning, ready to attack.

And the boy, Sawada’s kid, the Sky Arcobaleno, hangs back behind them, peering anxiously at Colonello in a way that sets off every last one of his fight-or-flight instincts.

“What the hell, kora?!” He snaps as soon as he finds his voice. “Do you know who that is? What’s wrong with you two?!”

Colonello can’t quite make out Viper’s expression with that hood of theirs but he can practically taste their disapproval.

“I told you we should’ve gone to a different amusement park,” The illusionist says to Reborn.

Reborn doesn’t take his eyes off Colonello but he retorts without missing a beat, “You also said your chains would ensure this moron wouldn’t notice we’re here.”

“I said the chains would prevent him from tracking us with the Pacifiers,” Viper snipes back flatly. “And they did. It’s not my fault he’s actually decent at his job.”

Right. That’s enough.

Colonello bats the gun aside and flips backwards onto his feet. “Get that thing outta my face!” He snarls, keeping one eye out for Viper’s illusions. Reborn doesn’t look particularly impressed, but he also looks like he’s willing to let Colonello say his piece. “What the hell’s going on, kora? That’s the Sky Arcobaleno!”

“Shout it a little louder,” Reborn mutters irritably. “The other end of the island didn’t hear you.”

But other than that, there’s no… reaction. Reborn and Viper are hanging around the Sky like they’re perfectly aware of who he is and also perfectly content with it.

Colonello doesn’t get it. He knows he’s not as smart as Reborn or even Viper, but this should be pretty damn simple, right? It’s the Sky Arcobaleno. They can’t kill him, but they should all be doing their utmost to warn the others and then scatter, preferably before the boy figures out how to eat their Flames.

He swallows and takes another step back. He can’t- He can’t do this again. If it was just him, that would be- well, not fine, but he’d be able to tolerate it. But Lal. Lal, who looks at him sometimes like she wants to hate him but only really hates herself, who shoulders guilt like it’s her due, even though it was Colonello’s choice through and through, and he’d do it again, every time, if it means sparing her.

He doesn’t want to be fed on again, of course he doesn’t, but more than that, he doesn’t want to see Lal’s expression when it happens. He knows there’s nowhere on the planet he can go where the Sky Arcobaleno won’t be able to get at his Flames, but they’d agreed, hadn’t they? A while back, during one of their get-togethers to talk about what they’d do if they found the new Sky. And they’d agreed they would warn each other and do their utmost to stay away from the Sky Arcobaleno, in the hopes that if whoever it is never actually meets any of them, they wouldn’t be able to realize they can feed on their Flames or maybe learn how to do it to begin with.

This is very much not warning each other, let alone staying the fuck away from the Sky Arcobaleno. So Colonello doesn’t get what’s happening, because out of all of them, Reborn hated Luce most, in the end, and Viper was probably the most bitter about placing their trust in the wrong person, the one time they allowed themselves to trust. It makes no sense for these two to just be… hanging out with the Sky Arcobaleno, and at a fucking fun park of all places. Has the Sky done something to them? Luce could never force them to like her, not after she and Checkerface revealed everything, but she could order them about if she wanted to, in addition to feeding from them whenever.

(It was perhaps her one kindness to them - she ordered them back every now and then, gathered them all together once in a while for a fuller meal because distance didn’t do shit to stop her from taking their Flames but proximity did allow her to take more, faster, but she never ordered them to stay.)

Maybe this Sky Arcobaleno can though? Reborn and Viper aren’t acting any differently - aside from the whole associating with the Sky Arcobaleno - but-

“Hey, idiot,” Reborn interrupts, somehow sounding both bored and annoyed. “As amusing as it is to watch you panic, there’s nothing to panic about.”

Colonello snorts with disbelief, darting another look at the Sky Arcobaleno, who for some reason looks a little miserable now, and he’s shuffled back several steps. “You do remember the Sky Arcobaleno eats-”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Viper cuts him off this time. Their voice lacks inflection as usual, and Colonello would’ve mistaken it for disinterest or dismissal if not for the very watchful presence of their Flames. For an illusionist, Viper’s never been particularly subtle when he isn’t actively trying to be. “Tsunayoshi hasn’t touched your Flames in all these years; he isn’t about to start now.”

“He’s the Rain Arcobaleno by the way, Tsuna,” Reborn adds, glancing back at the Sky. “Even if he’s also a moron.”

Colonello bristles. That’s just bullshit. Between the three of them, he is not the one acting fucking weird.

And to his utter shock, the Sky Arcobaleno actually rolls his eyes a little and takes a step forward, only to pause when Colonello immediately tenses again. The kid’s expression falls but he only says to Reborn and Viper, “Don’t act like you two weren’t running scared too.”

Reborn scoffs, and Viper makes a moue of offense, but neither exactly protests.

“I still approached you,” Reborn points out, almost smugly of all things, like it’s something to be proud of. “I was first.”

“Yeah, but you’re a little crazy like that, Reborn,” the Sky says. Fondly, if Colonello isn’t mistaken.

“And besides, you were first only because you didn’t know what the Nono was sending you to,” Viper interjects, tone dry as the desert. “You aren’t special. Our situations were the same.”

Reborn turns glinting black eyes on Viper. “I was still first.”

Viper sneers back, cloak fluttering around them, but before they can snark something back, because apparently that’s a thing now, the kid sighs, “Oh my god, guys, stop. I like you both, and it doesn’t matter who came first. Reborn, your ego’s gonna get too big for this island.”

Reborn turns his gun on the Sky and fires, but only water of all things comes out of it, leaving the kid spluttering and laughing at the same time. But he also stops poking at Viper, who snorts softly before whipping out a handkerchief for the Sky.

Vaguely, Colonello wonders if he’s come down with something. Or maybe he’s been drugged? Is he hallucinating? Dreaming?

“Anyway, let’s just go,” The Sky suggests once he’s wiped away most of the water. He smiles, the expression warm in a way that startles Colonello. “Thanks for bringing me here. It was really fun.” And then he glances apologetically at Colonello. “We didn’t mean to intrude though. We’ll leave now.”

Reborn scoffs again even as his gun transforms back into Leon and hops back onto his fedora. “We’re hardly intruding. Last time I checked, Mafia Land didn’t belong to Colonello.” He sighs when the kid frowns at him. “But fine, it’s almost time for dinner anyway, and it’s better if we do that somewhere private.”

As if on cue, Viper whips out a phone and begins tapping away. “There’s a five-star hotel with decent prices in one of the coastal cities nearby.” Somehow, they look particularly sinister for a moment without twitching a finger. “I’m sure they’ll even be happy to give us a discount.”

The kid looks away briefly, not quite able to hide an exasperated smile. “Alright, let’s go then. Is there a beach nearby? I’ve never been to a beach before.”

Reborn looks torn between pity and contempt, and yet somehow both emotions come out soft when he directs them at the Sky. “And yet you live on an island.”

The kid pouts.

“I’ll book a room with an ocean view,” is all Viper says, but they also float over to the boy and settle down on his head while the stuffed salamander toy coils itself around his shoulders.

And just like that, they’re leaving. Neither Viper nor Reborn gives Colonello a second glance, but the Sky offers an awkward wave and an even more awkward smile, something sad in his expression before he too turns away.

They’re long gone - Colonello can’t even sense them anymore - before he manages to move. He heads back to his apartment in a daze, half-thinking he must’ve imagined the whole bizarre encounter.

He checks his Flames. Still there, unmolested since Luce died.

He’s shaky as he fumbles for his phone, and he almost hangs up as he waits for Lal to pick up.

If- If there’s nothing wrong, should he worry her about this at all?

But then the line connects, and Lal’s brisk voice answers, and it’s too late to change his mind.

“Lal,” Colonello greets, inwardly grimacing at how hoarse he sounds. He clears his throat. “I- I’ve found the Sky Arcobaleno.”

Lal goes dead silent. He can’t even hear her breathe anymore.

“He was at Mafia Land today, kora.” He continues. “But he didn’t- Lal, he didn’t even try to eat my Flames. And he wasn’t alone. Reborn and Viper were with him. And I think-” He casts his mind back, and now that he’s had the time to digest the entire unexpected confrontation, something in him is certain, “They have a bond with him, Lal. Not like with Luce. They’re his Guardians, kora. Real Guardians. I think Reborn’s bond with him is stronger, but I could sense Viper’s too. I don’t know why, I don’t know how they can stand it, but they’re his.”

In the end, after a long, strained silence that seems to stretch on forever, Lal asks only one question. “Who?”

And Colonello can’t help the bark of laughter that escapes him, because if ever there was a thing called Fate, “Tsunayoshi Sawada. The Vongola Young Lion’s kid. And their future Decimo hopeful. Not so hopeful anymore.”

Lal Mirch:

Lal hangs up. She gives herself five minutes to put her racing thoughts in order, calms herself down as much as she thinks is possible at this point in time, and then she goes hunting.

She doesn’t so much find her target as she does greet him with her Flames so thick in the air that Iemitsu half-leaps out of his desk chair where he’s been snoring away over a pile of paperwork, hand at his gun before he catches sight of her.

Lal very carefully rests her hands on his desk even as she pins him with an unblinking, uncompromising glare.

Iemitsu shrinks back, just a little. “U- Uh, Lal? Is something wrong?”

Is something wrong. Hah.

“What,” Lal hisses through gritted teeth. “The fuck have you not fucking told us about your son, Iemitsu?!”

[waterandsilver]

Drarry fic: Sleeping Charm

@drarryonline get to know the members: Ally

Favourite fic tropes: eighth year, hurt/comfort, bed sharing

Title: Sleeping Charm

Length: 5.6k

Summary: Returning to Hogwarts after the war, Harry discovers that Draco is plagued with nightmares of Voldemort. He proposes a creative solution.

Read on AO3 or under the cut

When the school year starts up again after the war, it takes exactly two weeks for Harry Potter to start stalking Draco Malfoy.

In his defence, who can blame Harry for taking notice when he starts acting oddly? Suspicious behaviour from Malfoy has tended to be a precursor of Very Bad Things, in the past.

Still, Harry doesn’t really pay much attention to Malfoy in the first couple of weeks of term. He hears about his reduced Azkaban sentence; he hears that he’s been allowed back into Hogwarts on parole. But Harry is too busy to give much thought to it. Sometimes it feels almost scarily like any other year at Hogwarts. The routine of walking between classes; the familiar scratch of quills on parchment. Sometimes it’s almost possible to forget everything that has happened.

But then Harry sees a haunted look in the eyes of a fellow student, or rounds a corner to see a half-demolished wall that hasn’t been repaired yet, or catches a glimpse of a ghost – one of the new ones, one of the young ones - vanishing into a classroom, and everything comes flooding back.

Maybe he doesn’t notice Malfoy because he, too, seems to have changed. He doesn’t swagger around the castle making his presence known so much anymore.

No, Harry doesn’t have any reason to notice Malfoy, this year.

Not until he starts to act strangely.

It’s a Saturday, and Harry is sitting at the window seat in Gryffindor Tower working on his Charms essay (determined to actually do his assignments before they’re due this year) when a familiar flash of white-blond hair catches his eye from the grounds.

Harry sits up straighter.

Why would Draco Malfoy be walking alone at dusk?

His eyes follow Malfoy as he as he makes his way to the edge of the Quidditch pitch, then raises his wand. A minute passes, then two. Then a broom comes soaring through the air towards him. Malfoy swings himself onto it, and in a flash of white, rises into the sky.

Harry stares.

He waits until the sun is long set and his essay is long finished before finally heading to bed. But Malfoy’s silhouette is still dipping and soaring on the horizon, circling the pitch aimlessly, well into the night.

.

.

At first, Harry doesn’t tell anyone that he’s watching Malfoy again. He remembers sixth year all too well. Hermione’s rolling eyes. Lupin’s scepticism.

No: at first, the only person he tells is McGonagall.

It’s not as if he can be accused of unreasonable paranoia this time. Malfoy is, indisputably, up to something. Harry only goes to McGonagall after he spots Draco doing the same thing not once, not twice, but five whole times. Every night, Harry takes to the window seat in Gryffindor Tower, waiting, and almost every night, Draco crosses the grounds, summons his broom, and flies away. He misses Monday night, and Thursday. What makes it even stranger is that he doesn’t really seem to be doing anything that Harry can see, nothing but flying around the pitch.

McGonagall’s reaction, when he visits her office, only makes him more curious.

“I’m aware of Mr Malfoy’s situation. Stop prying, Potter.”

Situation?

Harry wants to ask, but restrains himself. It won’t do any good. McGonagall’s tone is closed. And if there’s one thing he’s learnt at Hogwarts, it’s that if he wants answers, he has to get them himself.

And so, after that, he starts paying proper attention to Malfoy.

Harry finds himself frowning when he gets his first proper look at Malfoy since eighth year began, a couple of days later, in Potions. Maybe it’s the poor lighting of the dungeon, but Malfoy... doesn’t look good. His trademark smirk is gone. He doesn’t seem to have anyone to share it with anymore; he stays at arm’s length from the rest of the Slytherins, the few who’ve returned, and they don’t make any effort to interact with him.

He must feel Harry looking, however, because he looks up. Their eyes meet for a long moment, in which Harry struggles to read them.

Tired, is the only word that really comes to mind. There are dark circles the size of Saturn’s rings underneath Draco’s eyes.

“Watch your daisy roots, Harry!” Hermione cries, and barely stops him from pouring the entire batch into his cauldron.

Harry’s mind, however, is very far from the Shrinking Potion. Because Draco Malfoy looks so incredibly tired, and Harry is more curious than ever.

.

.

Harry realises a few things, after that. If Draco is heading out on his mystery excursions almost every night, he isn’t sleeping, which is probably why he looks so exhausted.

“Why is he doing it to himself?” he wonders, when he eventually tells Ron and Hermione. It wasn’t long before it came out; he can’t keep secrets from them for long.

Hermione looks unimpressed when he tells her that he thinks Malfoy is up to something yet again, but even she looks intrigued when Harry tells her the pattern of behaviour.

“Maybe he’s searching for something,” she suggests.

“Or someone,” says Ron, more darkly. “Last time he went wandering around the castle, he was meeting Death Eaters.”

But Hermione is shaking her head. “He can’t be. Not if you say McGonagall knows what’s going on. She knows how to run her school. Besides… Voldemort is gone, isn’t he? All that… it’s all supposed to be over.”

She’s right. The days of plotting and scheming and secrecy are supposed to be in the past.

Maybe it’s for that reason that Harry decides to go for a direct approach.

In his head, Harry plans on waiting until a moment when he and Draco are alone. But that isn’t quite what happens. The very next morning at breakfast, Harry looks up to find himself face-to-face with Malfoy, leaving the Great Hall as Harry is entering. Last night was a Quidditch pitch night, and he looks, if possible, even worse than yesterday. Malfoy has always been pale, but he's practically grey.

It comes blurting out before Harry can stop it.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

Malfoy stops in his tracks. He looks up abruptly, surprise colouring his face.

“What?”

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Harry finds that his mouth is dry. It feels strange, being face-to-face with Malfoy like this, without any open hostility between them. He's used to Malfoy snapping and snarking, but caught off guard, he isn't, and Harry doesn't know what to do with himself. “Why do you keep going down to the Quidditch Pitch at night?" he continues, because apparently he's committed to this now, and Harry has never been one for half-measures. "What are you doing down there?”

Malfoy balks. He looks affronted. Astonished, perhaps, that Harry has the nerve to just ask outright.

It doesn’t really feel right for Harry either. Usually, it takes at least a few months of skulking behind each other’s backs and complaining to anyone who will listen, before they confront each other.

Then, Harry sees a wall come down over Malfoy’s eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Potter.”

He moves to leave, but Harry blocks his way.

“Really? So if I went for an evening fly tonight, I wouldn’t find you on the pitch until the sun came up?”

Malfoy’s jaw clenches. “It’s none of your business what I’m doing, Potter.”

“Even if you’re breaking your parole?”

Malfoy’s eyes flash dangerously. “I am doing nothing to break my parole.” His eyes darken. “Not currently, anyway. If you don’t get out of my way, I might end up doing something that that changes that.”

And then he shoves past Harry so hard that he almost knocks him to the floor.

“It’s only a matter of time,” says Hermione, when Harry finds her and Ron at the Gryffindor table.

“Huh?” says Harry.

“Of course he’s going to be touchy,” says Hermione. “Do you know what sleep deprivation does to a person?” She shakes her head. “It’s only a matter of time before something worse happens. If he carries on like this, he’s going to do himself serious damage.”

.

.

Two days after her prediction, Malfoy passes out in Charms.

“Please fetch the dung-beetles from the top shelf for our demonstration, Mr Malfoy,” says Flitwick, half way through the class.

Malfoy rises, chair scraping against the stone.

And then he simply crumples to the floor.

Harry is the only one who reacts. The thwack of Malfoy’s unconscious body hitting the stone echoes awfully loud in the classroom. Every eye in the room turns to stare at Malfoy’s suddenly-unmoving form, sprawled across the stone, but only Harry is out of his seat in an instant, springing to Malfoy’s side. His heart lurches painfully at the way Malfoy's head lolls when Harry rolls him onto his back.

“He needs the Hospital Wing,” he says urgently, when it becomes clear that Malfoy isn’t waking up.

“Yes, yes,” nods Flitwick. “You can take him, Potter.”

Harry is tense with anxiety as he manoeuvres Malfoy there. He doesn’t think he’s ever concentrated on maintaining a Levitation Charm so hard in his life, not even in his OWL exam.

Madame Pomfrey doesn’t look surprised when she sees who it is. She ushers them to a bed, and Harry finally, carefully, lowers his wand. Malfoy doesn’t stir when Harry drops him onto the sheets, or even when Pomfrey briskly checks his vitals.

“He hasn’t been sleeping,” says Harry.

Pomfrey doesn’t bat an eyelid. “I’m aware.”

“What do you mean, you’re aware? He hasn’t been sleeping, he’s hurting himself—”

“I didn’t know you were so interested in Mr Malfoy’s welfare.”

Harry folds his arms stubbornly across his chest.

“I’m staying until he wakes up.”

“Potter, I don’t think that’s a good—”

“I’m staying,” Harry repeats firmly. “I don’t care what’s going on with him. I’m not leaving until I know he’s alright.”

“And what gives you the right to decide to involve yourself in Mr Malfoy’s issues?”

“How about the fact that no-one else seems to care that he’s killing himself!”

Pomfrey gives him a very flat look. “Mr Malfoy is not killing himself. He’s sleep deprived, yes. But he is not on death’s door.”

“He just passed out from standing up,” says Harry, through gritted teeth. “You’re the school nurse. How can you let him do that?”

“I have hundreds of students to attend! I cannot be expected to keep tabs on one boy, especially one like him!”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Pomfrey shuts her mouth quickly. But the words have been said, and Harry knows what they mean.

“You can’t refuse to help him just because he made some mistakes in the past.”

If Harry of all people can understand that, why can’t anyone else?

“I have other students to see,” says Pomfrey, but she hesitates before moving away from the bed, turning on Harry with serious eyes. “Believe me, Potter. He will not want you to stay.”

.

.

A few hours later, Harry finally understands what she means.

For a while, Malfoy sleeps quietly, his chest rising and falling softly. It’s… strange, seeing him like this, his eyes closed, his sneer gone, his face open and vulnerable and softer than Harry imagined it ever could be. He’s still so pale, even against the crisp white bedsheets, but when, after several hours, nothing drastic has happened, Harry is still beginning to wonder what all of Pomfrey’s fuss was about.

And then, the sounds begin. They’re only quiet, at first. Harry glances up when he hears a faint groan slip past Malfoy's lips. His face, which has been blank for so long, is pulled taut.

Then the noise turns into a whimper, louder and distinct. Harry sees Malfoy's eyes moving rapidly behind his eyelids. His fingers curl slightly, digging into the bedsheets.

Then, out of absolutely nowhere, a blood-curdling scream tears from his throat, so high and loud that Harry jerks back. The sound pierces the air, and suddenly Malfoy is thrashing on the bed, shrieking like somebody is using the Cruciatus on him.

Harry jumps to his feet, ready to run for Pomfrey, when Malfoy's eyes shoot open. They’re wild, pupils blown. For a moment, he stares at something above the bed, panting for breath like he’s run a mile. His blond hair is plastered to his forehead. His eyes dart over to Harry, and for a moment, he looks straight through him. Harry sees the moment when come back to reality; his eyes blink, and refocus on Harry’s face, and his breath hitches in realisation.

“Potter.”

Fuck. His voice is actually hoarse.

“Malfoy.”

Harry doesn’t know what to say. He wants very much for the floor to swallow him up right now.

He should have fucking listened to Pomfrey.

“What's going on? What are you doing here?”

Malfoy pushes himself upright, too stubborn to stay lying down, even though Harry can see that his arms are shaky.

“I…” Harry’s head is spinning. “You’re having nightmares.”

Something vulnerable – pain? Humiliation? – flashes across Draco’s face. But anger quickly rises in its place.

“Do you consider pointing out the utterly fucking obvious to be a full-time job, Potter? Or just a hobby?”

Harry winces. He guesses he deserved that one.

He can see the pain beneath the sharp words. Malfoy is hurting. Whatever that nightmare was, it must have been pretty terrifying. He looks even more ill than before, something Harry didn’t think was possible.

“You’re in the Hospital Wing because you collapsed,” Harry explains. “You fainted in Charms.”

“I fainted in Charms?”

“Yeah. That’s a thing that can happen, when you stay awake for days without sleeping.”

“We’ve already had this conversation, Potter—”

“There’s no point lying, Malfoy. I know, okay?”

Draco says nothing, but Harry sees his shoulders sag slightly, giving him away. Harry has worked it out. Malfoy isn’t sleeping, because he’s been having nightmares. Nightmares bad enough to force himself to stay awake for dangerously long periods of time.

“Why don’t you just ask Pomfrey to give you Dreamless Sleep potions?”

Harry isn’t a stranger to night terrors. Fifth year was particularly awful, and since the war ended, sleeping potions are some of the most trade-worthy items in the Gryffindor dorms.

“Do you think I didn’t think of that?” Malfoy snaps. “Do you think I’m completely idiotic, Potter? She can only give me two per week apparently. It’s not ‘safe’ or whatever.”

He throws himself down dramatically onto the bed.

“Congratulations. You’ve solved your little mystery. Potter does it again. Now fuck off and leave me alone.”

Harry really should. He’s already seen more than he should have. He should have listened to Pomfrey; he should have respected Malfoy's privacy.

But he can’t just leave. Not when Malfoy looks so pained.

“Have you… have you tried talking to anyone about it?”

Malfoy gives him a look sharp enough to cut him into slices.

“The last think I want to do on this entire earth, Potter, is talk about it. Now are you going to leave me alone, or do I have to call for Pomfrey to Stun you and drag you out of the ward? I would do it myself, but that would be breaking parole, you see, and I know you wouldn’t want that, because for some reason, you’ve decided to involve yourself in my business even though you have absolutely no fucking right to.”

Harry knows when he’s lost a battle.

At the door, however, he can’t help but glance back, and his chest aches harder than ever to see Draco lying on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling like he wants it to fall down and crush him.

.

.

Harry spends a lot of time thinking about Malfoy, over the next few days.

Malfoy, on the other hand, seems to be avoiding him.

They’ve both missed their afternoon classes (so much for keeping on top of schoolwork this year) but Malfoy doesn’t turn up to Potions the next day either. In fact, Harry knows that Malfoy is avoiding him, because he’s missed the class that they have together, but Harry catches sight of his blond head ducking into the greenhouses for Herbology, which they don’t share.

It’s not until Transfiguration on Thursday that Harry finds himself in the same room as Malfoy again, and he’s not wasting the opportunity.

A murmur ripples through the room when Harry walks straight past Ron and Hermione and plonks his bag down at Malfoy's desk.

“What are you doing?” Malfoy hisses, leaning away from him like he has the plague.

“Sitting,” says Harry, as he does just that. “Sorry, is this seat taken?”

He knows damn well that it isn’t. Nobody has sat next to Malfoy, in any class, since the beginning of eighth year.

“Potter, I swear to Merlin—”

“Shh,” says Harry. “The class is starting.”

McGonagall’s gaze lingers on the two of them sharing a desk for a long moment, before she clears her throat and begins lecturing.

The Malfoy that Harry used to know would never have stood for this. He would have interrupted the lesson. Demanded that Harry be moved. Complained until the entire class was sick of him. Now, however, he does nothing but press his lips together tightly, and face McGonagall, turning a very cold shoulder on Harry. He doesn’t say a word until the lecture is over, and they’re left to practice the spell.

“Move,” he says immediately.

“No.”

“I don’t want you here, Potter.” Then, Malfoy lets out a resigned sigh. “If you’re not going to leave, at least make yourself useful and Summon some snails.”

That when Harry knows that he doesn’t mean it. Malfoy would never concede so quickly, if he really wanted Harry gone.

Harry flashes back to the sight of Malfoy the Hospital Wing, and it strikes him just how alone Malfoy probably is. His parents are in Azkaban. The Slytherins seemed to have turned their backs on him, probably because the reputation he has from the skull on his forearm won’t help their efforts to reform their House’s image. The staff have given up on him.

Whatever bad blood has been between them in the past, Harry can’t leave him alone when he’s struggling with something like this.

He Summons two snails silently, passes one to Malfoy, and begins to practice on his own.

A few minutes in, Malfoy makes a frustrated noise, shaking his wand.

“Wretched thing,” he scowls. “I never had a problem casting a Lapifors Spell with my own wand.”

Harry glances down at it. He spent a long time using Malfoy's wand, and he can see the difference. This one is chunky, awkward, Ministry-issued, while Draco’s was slender and precise.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I would have given yours back to you, if they’d let me.”

“Merlin, you actually mean that, don’t you?” Malfoy shakes his head. “Ugh. You’re so sincere, Potter. You’re such a Gryffindor it’s actually painful at times.”

Harry sees his opening.

“You know, Malfoy, we’re not as different as you might think. I know what it’s like to have Voldemort in my head, for one thing.”

Malfoy jerks like Harry has electrocuted him.

“Shut the fuck up, Potter.”

“Will you please just let me in, Draco? I might be able to help.”

“Why do you care?”

“Because I never wanted to hear someone scream like that again,” Harry says quietly.

Malfoy stills. He’s silent for so long that Harry has stopped expecting a reply, and then,

“Me neither.”

His voice is barely above a whisper.

Harry glances around the classroom. McGonagall is instructing Parvati on the other side of the room. Nobody is within earshot, and nobody is paying any attention to them.

"I'm not saying you have to tell me anything," says Harry. "But I might be able to help. You know you're not going to improve anything by isolating yourself, right?"

Malfoy doesn't reply. He repeats the motion of the spell, even though it’s doing nothing. His snail is steadily making its way to the edge of the desk.

"And I'll fuck off whenever you want me to," Harry adds. "I swear."

Malfoy glances at him. Is that hope, that Harry sees in his eyes?

"Whatever, Potter."

He does a good job of sounding disinterested. But when, after the class finishes, Harry suggests in a low voice that they go somewhere and talk, Malfoy only hesitates for a moment before giving a sharp nod, and following him out of the classroom. Harry steadily ignores the looks and whispers that follow them as they walk side-by-side through the castle.

He isn’t sure where they’re going until they head into the grounds, and then, he knows.

When they reach the Quidditch pitch, and sit down in the stands, he thinks he’s beginning to understand why Malfoy chose this place. It’s airy and quiet, but still familiar.

“I can’t fall asleep on a broom,” Draco explains, reading his mind. “I tried studying. Reading. But I kept falling asleep.” He shakes his head. “Sleep. It’s a joke. How am I ever supposed to sleep again, with him in my head?”

He gazes out across the pitch, but Harry can tell that his eyes are seeing something else.

“I didn’t sleep much, last year. When he was there… at the Manor. We would never know when he was coming. Sometimes he would arrive in the night, unannounced. Sometimes I would be woken by the screams… I didn’t know whose they were. I would think… my mother… my father…” Draco’s eyes slip shut. “We weren’t safe. I know everyone calls me a traitor, a Death Eater, and they’re right. But nobody was safe from him. Nobody. I saw enough Death Eaters’ blood spilled by his wand to know that.”

Harry tries to imagine it. Living with that monster in his home for a whole year. A terrifyingly powerful monster, who could turn on anyone, at any time. He doesn’t think he’d have gotten much rest either.

Harry bites his lip. When he opens his mouth again, the words are more difficult to form, this time.

“He was in my head,” he says, “For a long time. I… I don’t mean like a memory.” Harry swallows. “We had this… this mental connection. Sometimes he would take over my mind. Put images in my head.”

Sirius. The Ministry, the prophecy.

Harry squeezes his eyes shut. Even two years later, it still hurts.

“I understand,” he says. “Believe me, Draco, I understand.”

“What I don’t understand is how you’re still sane. I don’t understand how you do it, Potter. How can you find the courage… I can’t even bring myself to sleep and face a memory of him. You faced him in the flesh… you stood up to him…”

“You would have died,” Harry says flatly. “There was nothing you could have done, Draco. He would have killed you in the blink of an eye. For what it’s worth… I know that you didn’t want to do it.”

He recalls that night in Grimmauld Place, the vision in the bathroom. Voldemort had forced Draco to use Cruciatus on a failed Death Eater. Harry does not mention it. Some things, he knows, are Draco’s memories, Draco’s secrets. Harry will listen if he chooses to reveal them, but they should never have been Harry’s to know.

"I kept hoping you would win," says Draco, whispering like he's still scared that Voldemort will hear, even now. "Sometimes I dreamt that you came to the Manor. That you killed him. I knew it would be you, if it was anyone. But..."

"But?"

Malfoy shakes his head. "I'm a Slytherin, Potter. We're practical. We don't believe in fairytale endings. I thought he would kill you, and then eventually he would kill us all."

Not for the first time, Harry is immensely glad that the Sorting Hat honoured his wishes when he was eleven, and that he didn’t end up in Slytherin.

He doesn't know what to say, so he gazes out across the Quidditch pitch, full of bright memories that feel as if they belong to another lifetime.

.

.

Harry comes up with the idea a few days later. It comes to him in the morning while he’s brushing his teeth, and when he goes down to breakfast, he heads to the Slytherin table, dropping into the seat opposite Draco.

“Why don’t you sleep with me?”

Malfoy chokes on his mouthful of pumpkin juice.

“Not like that!” Harry says quickly, feeling his face turning beetroot-red. “I mean, why don’t you sleep beside me? If you dream that Voldemort is attacking you... would it help?”

Malfoy is staring at him like he’s gone out of his mind. Harry is pretty sure that his face is only getting redder.

“I mean, you said it yourself. I killed him. I killed Voldemort. I was the only one who could. So maybe we can, uhh, convince your brain that you’re safe, if you’re with me?”

It definitely sounded a lot smarter in his head.

“Sleep with you?” Malfoy echoes.

“Beside me,” Harry corrects, face still burning.

“Are you insane, Potter?”

“No. Why?”

“Have you forgotten about this?” Malfoy yanks at his sleeve. He doesn’t pull it all the way up, just enough to reveal the curling tail of the snake, awful as ever against his skin.

“No,” says Harry. “I haven’t.”

But he’s known Draco for years, followed him for years, watched him for years. He understands how Draco works; he knows his motivations. He saw Draco cry in a bathroom, two years ago, at the thought of being forced to kill someone; he saw Draco hesitate, torn, in the Manor last year, not wanting to give Harry away. Somewhere along the way, even though they were never really friends, he’s come to know Draco. And he knows that Draco has never really wanted him dead. Draco is not really that kind of person.

“I know you always need to save people, Potter. But there are better people who you could be saving than me.”

“I’m not saving you,” says Harry. “I’m helping you. If you let me. And I think I can decide for myself who is and who isn’t worth helping.”

Harry thinks he sees something clear in Draco’s face, but it passes before he can read into it.

“We sleep in different dorms.”

“I can get you into Gryffindor for a few nights.”

“How?”

Harry shrugs, reaching for a slice of toast. “I’m the Chosen One.”

“You’re insufferable.”

But there’s something playing on Draco’s lips. Something that almost looks like a smile.

And Harry can’t help but think that it looks good on him.

.

.

He thinks about using the Invisibility Cloak, but doesn’t, in the end. It’s his dorm, and he’ll invite in whoever he likes. It’s fairly quiet in the Common Room when they put their plan into action. A group of fourth-years gape when Draco follows Harry through the portrait, and Dean raises his eyebrows as they head to the stairs. But Harry has survived a lot worse than a few looks of disapproval.

“What do you think?” he asks Draco, plopping down onto his bed.

Draco peers at the fixtures.

“Too much red.”

“I think it beats being underneath the lake. How do you deal with the damp?”

“This is a magic school, Potter. How do you know what the Slytherin common room looks like?”

“I’ll tell you one day.”

Draco gives him a sidelong look. “Well, it can’t be one of the girls from our year that snuck you in. They’d have never managed to keep that from me.”

When Harry realises what he’s implying, he feels his face growing hot again.

As Draco sits gingerly on Harry’s bed, the air between them sobers, and all traces of amusement slip from his face.

“I can put up a Silencing Charm,” says Harry. “If it doesn’t work… nobody has to know.”

“I can cast Silencing Charms myself, Potter. That’s not why I haven’t been sleeping.”

Sympathy courses through Harry.

“But thank you.”

Harry starts talking then, talking to fill the silence between them, trying to distract Draco, or perhaps to distract himself from the unexpected butterflies that enter in his stomach at hearing a genuine thanks from Draco Malfoy.

He talks about Ginny potentially being signed for the Holyhead Harpies, if she can prove her skills and lead the Gryffindor team to the Cup this year. He talks about how Hermione wants to go into the Ministry but also thinks it’s a scandal that the Wizarding World doesn’t have any universities and wanting to reform the system. He talks about how Ron is actually doing well in Transfiguration this year, how he’s playing Keeper again, how he’s doing better than Harry and Hermione expected, given what happened.

He’s just talking about summer at Hogwarts, about staying to clear up the aftermath of the Battle, when a flash of silver catches his eye, and his voice dies. Draco has noticed it too.

“It’s one of the new ones,” says Harry.

A pair of ghostly eyes is peering at them. Harry has seen this one lurking in the dorms and in the common room. He can’t have been any older than a fourth-year.

The ghost blinks, then vanishes back into the wall.

“Why are you helping me, Potter?” Draco asks quietly. “You know which side of the war I was on.”

“I don’t like seeing people in pain,” Harry says honestly.

“I deserve it,” Draco whispers. “You don’t know what I did. I deserve the nightmares, I’m just too much of a coward to face them.”

“That’s not true.” Harry shifts. “I did things I regretted in the war as well. There were people I couldn’t save. I acted rashly… people died because of me. If I’d have stopped and thought things through for a second, some people might have still been alive. You’re not the only one who gets nightmares.”

“It’s different. You’re a hero. I should be rotting in Azkaban.”

Harry never thought he’d live to hear Malfoy calling him a hero. Or expressing regret.

“They let you out on parole because they know you don’t belong in there. You didn’t have a choice.”

Draco opens his mouth, no doubt to argue, but Harry cuts him off.

“Stop,” he says, “Just stop, okay? Look, we could do this alll night, and it’s not going to change anything. You made some mistakes, yeah. But that’s done now. The war's over. There’s nothing you can do about it anymore.”

At Draco's doubtful look, Harry lets out a long breath.

“Look," he says. "We survived, didn't we? I know I didn’t win a war to just spend my whole life reliving it. And you’ll have more choices. We both will. You can make the right ones this time.”

Draco is gazing at him with round eyes. “You’re something else, Potter.”

“My name’s Harry, Draco.”

Draco’s tongue darts out, swabs across his lips. “Harry.”

Harry’s tiredness hits him then. He lies back on the bed, and Draco, after a moment’s hesitation, copies him, settling beside him. Harry’s bed is big enough for both of them, but there’s still only inches between them, and Harry is so very aware of the warmth of Draco’s body beside his.

He turns onto his side to face him. Harry has been watching Draco for so long, for what feels like his whole life, but he’s never been so close to him. Draco has the tiniest of freckles on his nose, almost silver against his pale skin, something Harry never could have noticed from afar. His hair looks so soft where it falls across his eyes, eyes that aren’t hard and cruel anymore like they used to be. And his lips look so soft when they aren’t drawn back in a sneer.

Harry realises that he has been staring for far too long, but Draco hasn’t said anything or pulled back. He doesn't look uncomfortable. In fact, he’s staring back at Harry, with something intense, something almost like hunger, in his expression.

Harry doesn’t even think before reaching up. He hears Draco’s breath hitch when he moves so suddenly, and Harry stills. Slowly this time, he reaches up and brushes the hair out of Draco’s eyes. Draco’s gaze doesn’t leave him the whole time. Harry’s heart is beating so fast and so hard he thinks the whole of Gryffindor Tower can probably hear it.

“You know that this probably isn’t going to work,” says Draco.

“I know.”

“This was a stupid idea.”

“I know.”

“We’re both going to regret this a lot, when it goes wrong.”

“I know.”

Draco bites his lip. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

.

.

Harry fully expects to be woken by piercing screams and Draco kicking him in the shins.

But that isn’t what happens. It’s strange, at first, trying to sleep while Malfoy is beside him, but the weirdness wears off eventually, and Harry drifts off at some point in the night.

He wakes to the feeling of the sun warming his skin, and when he opens his eyes, he sees it seeping in through the crack in the curtains of his bed.

He doesn’t remember, at first. He registers skin on his own, a weight on his arm, the rise and fall of a chest that isn’t his own, and frowns in sleep-hazy confusion.

Then he glances across, and sees Draco Malfoy, and remembers.

Harry lets out a soft breath. Draco is sleeping peacefully in the sunlight, his eyes shut and his face calm. Harry does his best to lie back down without disturbing him. He’s going to have the worst pins and needles in history in his arm, but it’s worth it. There’s no way in hell that Harry is waking him.

Draco’s arm is curled across Harry’s chest, holding onto him, and a smile tugs at Harry's lips. It looks like they’ve found Draco’s sleeping charm.

[truthshield]

Will Zalatoris keeps the faith after another close call at U.S. Open

Placeholder while article actions load BROOKLINE, Mass. — As Sunday afternoon finished gasping and Sunday evening started coming, 25-year-old Will Zalatoris said something golf geeks know and rational people almost disbelieve: “I’m three shots away from practically being a — having a chance of being a three-time major champion.” He said it because it’s true. It’s true because Zalatoris, who has entered all of nine major tournaments, has become a lavishly televised mainstay in a whole batch of them. It deserves a full typing-out that he has finished tied for sixth at the 2020 U.S. Open at Winged Foot in New York; second by one shot at the 2021 Masters; tied for eighth at the 2021 PGA Championship at Kiawah Island, S.C.; tied for sixth at the 2022 Masters; second in a playoff at the 2022 PGA Championship at Southern Hills in Tulsa; and now second by one shot at the 2022 U.S. Open at the Country Club. His contention has become a convention. It’s incredible and it hurts, all at once. “This one hasn’t sunk in,” he said soon after the drama on No. 18 left him a runner-up for a third time. “Masters [in 2021] was pretty special, just obviously being there, considering that seven months prior I was playing on the Korn Ferry [Tour]. … Yeah, this one’s — I honestly don’t know what to take from this yet. I was pretty pleased just because I’m known for my ball-striking. I’m sure all the Instagram morons are going to say it has something to do with my left wrist flexion coming down, but I promise you, it’s got nothing to do with it. I think just keep doing what we’re doing. “This one stings for sure, but I know that we’re going to get this.” Svrluga: Matt Fitzpatrick — head down, blinders on — beats all comers at U.S. Open In the latest tantalizing, Zalatoris’s 14-foot birdie try at tying Matt Fitzpatrick on the closing hole slid barely by and fooled both Scottie Scheffler and Zalatoris. “When it was two feet out,” said Scheffler, the fellow Texan and top-ranked player who had finished his round and tied Zalatoris for second place, “I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, that one’s in’ — and for some reason it went off to the left. It’s one of those deals. You’ve got to get the breaks.” “With about six feet to go,” Zalatoris said, “I thought I had it.” It’s striking that Zalatoris hasn’t won a tournament since the 2020 TPC Colorado Championship on the Korn Ferry Tour, the second tier of men’s golf. Yet already he’s a wild success story with a No. 12 world ranking and an arc that bends back to early childhood in San Francisco, where he got hooked at the California Golf Club with its shrine to Ken Venturi’s 1964 U.S. Open trophy from Congressional, to later childhood around Dallas after the family moved, and to college at mighty Wake Forest. “Will is a really talented player,” Scheffler said. “He’s strong mentally. That’s why he performs so well. It just happens the last two majors he’s been up against great champions in [Fitzpatrick] and Justin Thomas [at the PGA Championship]. It’s one of those deals where you keep knocking on the door and keep putting yourself in position, and he’ll come through.” Matt Fitzpatrick digs out of the sand to win U.S. Open for first major title In the act of gathering major experience, this reedy blond with a sturdy mind has been gathering major experience like mad. His ninth major brought his third final pairing already, with caddie Ryan Goble on the first tee mentioning how both felt far more nervous at the 2021 Masters. Now this rarefied terrain actually feels normal, and Zalatoris said, “I just felt comfortable all day.” He led by two with seven holes to play, and he found his driving “atrocious” with a hip bothering him, yet he shot a 69 in the pressure to which he has become accustomed to make it all four rounds at par (one) or better (three). “The comfort level is there,” he said, “especially now that I know I can do this. I just have to keep waiting my turn.” https://ift.tt/NHmfcPl https://ift.tt/189MKDP

[because-its-important]

transitions & transformations

i. the rest of my batch at RC

I spent the first six weeks of my batch at Recurse Center in an out-and-out sprint. I learned Python, built and released projects, and wrote blog posts every week. I wasn’t sure where my limits were, but I was determined to find out - preferably by overshooting them, then adjusting after the fact.

A curious thing happened. I kept finding that I was more than capable of starting and finishing projects, especially when I had a firm mental image of the end goal. There were at least as many unexpected good-turns as there were setbacks, and I certainly didn’t come up against any inscrutable barriers. Mostly the challenge was in overcoming the distance between a thing that doesn’t exist and a thing that does, which I was able to sort out pretty handily through a consistent application of effort across time.

Who’d have thought?

A selfie taken on my birthday, which also happened in the last few months and was really great!

The second half of my batch was not so visibly productive - with the exception of The Question Game. The Question Game is a simple game designed to help groups of people get to know each other better IRL. I designed it with my friend Brittany a few years ago as an icebreaker when we found ourselves in a group of folks who knew us but didn’t really know each other. The game only really needs a method of generating random numbers for a small but arbitrary group size, but building it out as a toy webapp was a good excuse to get practice working with a JS-only stack. I learned React, got a lil more familiar with node, and even went as far as to attach an otherwise completely unnecessary PG database and Sequelize ORM. You can see the code for it here. Outside of this project, however, I didn’t publish any code. I didn’t publish any writing, either.

So I’d like to take a moment and shine a bit of light on the work that I did during the rest of my batch.

🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

First, I made the decision to leave community.lawyer, the social impact startup I co-founded in 2016 following the Blue Ridge Labs Fellowship.

I’m happy to report that I left on the come up, which seems a rare and privileged thing for a founder to be able to say. Gaining traction in a hyper-specialized industry like legal tech takes a gargantuan amount of sustained forward momentum, and I departed just as we began to reap the fruits of our labor. In the last few months community.lawyer has reached final approval on partnerships a year in the making, won federal grants we’d submitted to in 2016, and every day our software is being used to help connect people who have legal needs with credible lawyers. Our first two partners were exactly the types of legal organizations at the heart of our mission: the Justice Entrepreneurs Project and the DC Reduced Fee Lawyer & Mediator Referral Service.1 Based in Chicago and Washington DC respectively, these orgs are specifically chartered to deliver quality services at rates that more Americans can afford. I am so proud. ⚖️

Second, I started my first ever job hunt as a software engineer. Wowee, this was scary! I knew that I had to prepare for interviewing, which meant a) getting my career change narrative straight, b) studying Data Structures & Algorithms 101, and c) learning how to perform my handle on both of these in a live, semi-adversarial environment.

At one point during my batch my laptop broke. I read through this wonderful illustrated book during the two days it was being fixed.

In order to direct my search I also had to craft a set of selection criteria of my own. Foremost: “What good will my work do for the world?”2 Additionally, “What degree of access will I have to supportive mentors?”

Getting started with interview prep was a challenge, at least partly because I had so many options for where to start. But I did get started! I read Cracking the Coding Interview, I did the free trial and weekly free problems on Interview Cake. I attended a few group mock interviews at Recurse Center and signed up for a 1-1 mock interview with an RC alum. Her name is Leah, and she’s amazing - the superbly friendly and encouraging Comp Sci TA I wish I’d had years ago. 💚Brittany also set up mock technical screens for me with her pals, Leaf and Ian. They were the vanguard against my outsized anxiety about programming for an audience and they each took the time to give me solid feedback.

Third, I extended my batch at Recurse Center by another 6 weeks. I had decided early on I wouldn’t extend (for no real reason) and stuck with this decision up until two days before my batch ending. A small group of folks - Lily, Connor, Alicja and I - went to NYX in Union Square to try out lipsticks. We played with different colors and finishes (satin! matte! shimmer!) for half an hour or so. There came a point when I looked up, glanced across the narrow makeup store at my beautiful friends’ beautiful faces and thought, “You know, you don’t have to leave yet, right? What’s the rush?” I’d already accomplished my primary goal, to forcibly rework my identity as an engineer, but it sure seemed that I could stand to reach for a second one. That night I decided to extend my batch, with the intention of sampling a more open method of self-directed learning, i.e. with a little more chill and a lot less panic. Specifically, I wanted to practice connecting meaningfully with my limited supply of social energy.

In my bonus six weeks, I: gave three talks (2 planned, 1 impromptu) under encouragement from Ayla and Lily, learned to juggle thanks to instruction from a fellow RCer, Edward, who also loaned me a book about learning, made it into weekly Feelings Check-in (read as: opt-in support group) fairly regularly, picked my first ever lock, saw a live-coding show and then later attended two live-coding workshops (one on TidalCycles, another on Super Collider), sat in a dark room and played howling wolf clips while Microsoft Sam read grimoires aloud, got my hair braided for the first time in a decade, made dumplings and DJ’d for a dinner party, connected with folks about queer-poly relationships, gave fiery advice, and received compliments so earnest and rational and persistent that it was difficult to refute them.

Zine fair plus Lightning Bolt concert inside a movie theater in Times Square??

I also put my interview prep to use and interviewed with a handful of Recurse Center partner companies. Job searching meant squaring off against impostor syndrome and a ton of related anxieties in rapid succession. I successfully choked most of that down when it mattered, though, and it was only a couple short weeks before I received my first offer.

To that end, I’m super happy to say that I’ll be joining Blink Health as a Fullstack Product Engineer! Blink Health is a healthcare startup in SoHo. They make it easier for people to afford prescription drugs, especially for those with limited insurance plans or none at all. These savings aren’t trivial either: an extra $50 can spare someone from choosing between groceries or medicine that week, and for some folks Blink saves many times that. I’ll be starting at the end of this month. ✌️🤓

The last two years have been a wild ride: participating in a social impact fellowship and accelerator, busting my product chops and learning web dev to get a public benefit company off the ground, then diving into four months of self-directed learning at Recurse Center. I’m really looking forward to having some externally imposed structure again. Real health insurance, too.

ii. some hard truths

I made a few radical life changes in 2016, like getting involved in activist spaces, dating more, biking everywhere, building strong friendships, going capital-B Boogying, programming full-time. As I carried those changes forward through 2017, I began to notice a lot of mental and emotional reconfiguration happening to me.

Did you know that along its way to becoming a butterfly, a caterpillar nearly completely liquifies inside its cocoon?

Psychological growth is confusing, full of false starts, and generally painful. You’ve got the static pain of stretching beyond your limits, the pleasure-pain of feeling an old knot finally release, the frustrating pain of stubbing your toe because some helpful asshole has been rearranging your psychic furniture when you weren’t looking. There’s the more dramatic knife-in-the-gut pain of realizing that just because you’re growing doesn’t mean the people closest to you are, and that now in certain cases what you previoulsy regarded as friendship actually looks a whole lot like run-of-the-mill exploitation or even emotional abuse, if you're being honest, and it's a realization that only hurts more because it’s so irredeemably cliche and boring. And despite all that pain you gotta go ahead and grow anyway, claw your way out of the relative comfort of ignorance. Transcendence may not be the only show in town but afaik it’s the one most worth watching.

Prior to attending Recurse Center I’d spent lots of time exploring my surroundings and cataloguing people and places worth coming back to. My view of myself did change (and positively!) as a consequence. But sooner or later, ya get tired of the taste of low-hanging fruit.

So, armed with the bookshelf of a philosophy grad and a burgeoning psychoanalytic vocabulary begging to be let off leash, I decided to use my time at RC to try confronting a few of my Hard To See truths in addition to becoming a better programmer.

Here’s what I’ve found so far.

Truth #1: People like me a lot. This causes me problems.

I’ve been metabolizing this one for some time. I remember having a conversation with Brittany in January of 2016. I don’t remember what social anxiety I’d been vocalizing, but I must have been worrying that someone “hated me.” Brittany cut me off, exasperated in the way that only a friend can be in the face of utter delusion: “No one hates you Nicole! You’re always worried that people don’t like you and it’s never true!”

I carried that admonishment with me through two years of voracious friendship-building. On the whole, seeing that people do in fact enjoy and seek out my company has curbed the most egregious overreaches of my social anxiety. But reckoning with my anxiety honestly has also meant acknowledging that my compulsive instinct to withdraw from social situations is also a protective (if suboptimal) response to a few very real dangers.

Most acutely: being friendly, generous, and intensely empathetic makes me a ready target for users. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt for as long as I can, which makes me proportionally susceptible to being taken advantage of and then gaslighted about it. A lifetime of socialization as a petite woman don’t help, neither. This leads to a pattern where, semi-regularly, I look up and take stock of how someone has been treating me and realize that the answer is Very Badly, For Quite A While. This in turn leads to rough periods of cutting ties and moving on. Ideally I’d like to be be able to filter bad actors out sooner, but I also want to stay open, giving, and hopeful beyond reason. Those desires are fundamentally at odds with each other - raising vs. lowering one’s defenses - but it’s clear that I need to come up with a strategy that balances both.

More broadly, though, I operate under an ever-present dread of inevitably disappointing everyone who knows me. Whether people project onto me because they already like me or like me more because they project positively onto me, I am extremely sensitive to the fact that when people meet me the conception they form has waaay more to do with what they want to find than what’s actually there. My body is a surface readily projected upon: young, female-shaped, ethnically ambiguous, small, smiling. These well-intended projections cause me the most trouble when people see me interacting socially; they’ll witness fifteen minutes of seemingly effortless extroversion on my part and extrapolate out massively. As far as they’re concerned I’ve got plenty of social energy to spare, and if I don’t spend it hanging out with them, it must be because either my friendliness is fake or I don’t like them.

Pretty much none of this is conducted consciously, of course, but it still creates a lot of unnecessary pressure that I can’t pretend not to feel and resent. I know there are people who dream about attaining this kind of “popularity” - to be assumed Cooler than one truly is - but getting buffeted around by folks’ totally unexamined, unarticulated psychological desires mostly sucks.

Truth #2: I’m non-binary.

I’ve also spent a very long time resisting this one. Two decades on the rack, easy. As such, the story of getting here is long. Perhaps one day I’ll tell it. 😛

The short of it, though, is this: I’m probably at least as much of a boy3 as I am a girl. Outside of where my life has been mutated by the chronic background radiation of sexism, “benevolent” and otherwise, I don’t strongly identify as a woman. Furthermore, I find the two-gender system to be infinitely more alienating than comforting. Gender is a social construction designed to impose order on the natural messiness of sexual experience, and as far as I’m cool with that, I am decidedly Not Cool with the “normal” state of affairs, i.e. aggressively shoving whole human beings into an absurdly reductive false dichotomy.

Between its either-or-ism and its forced assignment, the traditional approach to gender reveals itself to be obviously bullshit to anyone who spends more than a few minutes thinking about it. Its boundaries are arbitrary, inconsistent, and generally ill-fitting at the level of individual experience, which why they require such an outrageous amount of coercion and bodily violence to enforce. As much as other folks want to participate in a system of ritualized violence I guess they are free to? Personally, I’d prefer to see it actively dismantled.

If gender is to be saved it’ll be by subverting it, taking it apart, remaking it into something life-affirming. Not the dehumanizing garbage we’ve got now.

As of yet I don’t have any plans to change my presentation because I don’t fuckin’ gotta!

I do have a preference towards They / Them pronouns, but She / Her is still fine. For most of my friends this isn’t going to be at all surprising nor will it in any way negatively impact our relationship. Anyone who needs me to just-be-a-girl, however, can expect turbulence.

Truth #3: My righteous anger is justified and I am good at using it to help others.

I have felt conflicted about my anger for a long time. Since a very vocal childhood I have been regularly frustrated by prejudices and injustices, and I was frequently the first voice of dissent against them, whether that meant challenging adults or my peers. Unsurprisingly, I became well acquainted with the standard strokes of the backlash.

When you are confronting bigotry in a mixed environment, the voice of the status quo will generally manifest in one of two ways:

Gaslighting, e.g. “you are wrong to have said this at all, obviously I am a Good Person, you are just imagining that what I said sounded like XYZ, honestly how could you even think this, as a matter of fact it is I who is offended!”

Tone policing, e.g. “you’re too upset about this! after all, I, the person who did Fucked Up Thing, am perfectly calm about Fucked Up Thing, so any amount of anger makes you irrational by contrast, and I get a raincheck on whatever this is about!”

I know these responses are repulsive. I know they are merely the signs of a weak and imperiled ego acting out of fear. And yet I still spend an inordinate amount of time second-guessing my own anger. Gaslighting and tone policing are a favored weapon of the status quo because they work, and they work in direct proportion to how agreeable their target wants to be.

content warning: the following segment talks about sexual harassment and assault

About couple weeks ago I had the misfortune of being sexually harassed at a club in Bushwick. After numerous rejections and explicitly telling a creep bothering me, my friends, and other women in the club to get lost, I finally went to get a bouncer to eject him. The bouncer got the creep to leave. When I went to thank him, the bouncer told me a whole story about how the creep was “a harmless guy.” Then he reached down and grabbed my ass. Presumably he felt entitled to do this after helping me get rid of a person I asked him to remove... for unwanted touching.

It Really Sucked.

At every turn during the whole ordeal (and its aftermath) I had to hold onto my anger, convince myself that I wasn’t overreacting, remind myself that anyone who thought this was acceptable to do to me is almost certainly doing worse to more vulnerable people. I kept picturing myself the way this guy, this man in a position of power, must have seen me in order to feel okay doing what he did. That I was young, small, female, too friendly to say No, already indebted anyway; that he was one of the Good Guys, that his behavior was also “harmless” because he had decided it was. I conjured up as much anger as I could, pushed down the nausea of envisioning my own degradation from an attacker’s POV, and got to work. I reached out to the club and was quickly put in contact with the owner. The venue now has a publicly posted zero tolerance sexual harassment policy. The entire staff is going through training with a local org dedicated to creating safer nightlife spaces. And that motherfucker has been fired.

I demonstrably made the world better. I wasn’t alone, but all that happened because of my actions. Me and my anger, we did that.

I wish more people were this fucking angry. 💢

~ end of content warning ~

iii. an opinion

My Saturn return is upon me, y’all. As Frank Ocean serenades, we’ll never be those kids again. I have lived a few of these here nine lives and it seems only prudent to be moving forward with some sort of opinion on the matter.

My opinion is this: us folks with financial and physical security should be spending more time fixing shit around here. Figuring out what needs fixing and how you might help are the first steps.

If you’re operating on a similar scale of privilege as I am, maybe that means changing jobs to do more mission-oriented work. If you can’t swing a change of that magnitude, maybe it means showing up to community events and engaging with, caring for, supporting people you otherwise wouldn’t talk to. Churches, libraries, volunteering, supporting local artists, participating in local politics - this all counts. If you’re already doing this sorta thing, that is awesome! Maybe you also have a friend worth inviting who you sense is just itching for a chance to exercise compassion?

I’m using “fixing” pretty loosely here, too. Fixing, to my mind, means making the world brighter, safer, and sweeter for your fellows, human and otherwise. We’ve all got different ideas about what that looks like, and there are definitely folks - myopic or malevolent or both - who will swear up and down that their fear- and hate-driven behaviors will bring about better world. Ultimately, though, I believe that many hands reaching towards their personal vision of Better will in fact make things Better, especially when that vision is informed by meaningful interaction with the real world and its real sorrows and its real triumphs.

But ya gotta reach. Ya gotta try.

I am so tired of hearing my well-fed, well-homed friends piss and moan about late capitalism4 without lifting a damn finger in service of the communities bearing the brunt of material hardship. Unfettered capitalism sure does have a marked tendency to wreak havoc on organic life! But capitalism is not a monolith, and lamenting the abuses perpetuated by its principle benefactors as unchanging or inevitable only normalizes them. Any investigation into the history of capitalism (or the broader phenomena of how a Few come to subjugate the Many) will very quickly disabuse you of the notion that this shit is going to stop without a great deal of active resistance.5

So unless you are personally doing work to put our current strand of democracy-withering corporatism six-feet-under, seriously, just STFU instead. Your nihilism is boring! You don’t sound woke! Save it for your local DSA working group!

Which isn’t to say that I’m not convinced of the wickedness6 of the problems we’re facing: skyrocketing wealth disparity with no relief in sight; the destruction of most of Earth’s biodiversity via mass extinction; a pernicious climate of racism and xenophobia that scapegoats black and brown folks and then visits misery upon them; the weight of an aging population bearing down on the shittiest healthcare system of any nation in its class; a widely disenfranchised electorate further fragmented and fatigued by hyper-polarization; the gendered terrorism that is inflicted daily on women, trans and non-binary folks, and queer people at large; a rising wave of depressive anxiety as people become more aware of these problems and how thoroughly they’ve been disempowered from changing things for the better.

So yeah, I get it. These are hard problems. I just don’t see any better option than trying anyway. I want to spend my time fixing things around here and encouraging others to try their hand too. You already know the bad news: real change is hard and it can take a very long time. You might work your whole life sowing seeds whose fruit you never get to taste.

The good news, however, is that you can get started whenever and wherever you are. The good news is that a sense of purpose is its own reward.

iv. how to get started

When you’ve got hard work ahead of you, your best bet is to use your beautiful human brain and create some leverage. Ask Archimedes about it.7

Lever systems got two parts:

The lever, which is the tool you use to amplify your effort. The longer your lever is, the easier your job will be.

The fulcrum, which is the wedge the lever rests on. The nearer your fulcrum is to the thing you want to move, the easier your job will be.

If you’re starting from zero - “I want to do more for the world but I don’t know how!” - my advice is to forget about the lever arm for now. A lever ain’t shit without a fulcrum, anyway. Your time is better spent exploring the world, keeping an eye out for problems you’d like to solve, and identifying nearby points of leverage. If you want to get into activism, a fulcrum might be volunteering to fold pamphlets for an organization with a mission you believe in. If want to see more self-expression in the world, it might be might be inviting your friends to a zine-making class or hosting your own arts and craft night.

The best fulcrum is one that makes you Feel Good when you apply any amount of effort against it. Too many people get caught up in a self-defeating belief that if they can’t give 110% of their creative energy to something they might as well not try. I can confidently say that trying is itself a virtue. Every time you try even a little bit you make it easier for yourself to try again later, and more importantly, you make trying easier for others. A bunch of people altering their behavior a smidge in the same direction doesn’t add up to nothing; on the contrary, it’s a sea change.

If you’ve got a decent idea of the types of problems you want to solve, though, and you’ve tested your fulcrums, and you are thinking, “Okay, but is this all I’m capable of giving?” then it’s probably time to work on your lever. Given your own interests and inclinations, what skills can you develop that will increase the good you’re doing 10x, 100x over? This is the long game, but it scales a whole lot better than “keep doing what I’m already doing, but more.”

For me right now this means deepening my technical knowledge, building a resilient support network, and sharing what I’m learning. Helping others has been a powerful motivator for self-improvement, not the least of which because it’s a convenient shortcut through the snarl of self-confidence issues.

I am so grateful that Recurse Center was a stop on lengthening my lever! What a concentrated cluster of helpful, considerate beings.

I’ve spent the last two years wandering around New York City in wide-eyed wonder, asking myself the most ambitious question I could think of: how do you save the world?

Getting older comes with a lot of downsides, but asking yourself big questions and living your life as the answer is the primary pleasure of adulthood. It took a ton of courage to get started and I am still frequently awed to find myself moving in the right direction. I’m humbled by the grace and fortitude of the folks who’ve been at this for way longer.

I’m also a hell of a lot happier. This summer’s gonna be rad. ☀️

There are lots of extraordinarily sexy company names like this in the legal world. ↩︎

Having the choice to direct my energies in this way is a privilege. Working in tech gives me this freedom of motion and I have been drawn to software engineering in part because it is the freest of the free (if you still gotta labor for your living). ↩︎

😱😫😖😬😬😬... 😏 ↩︎

Substitute with whatever modifier is en vogue. As a point of fact, “late capitalism” is a term that’s been floating around for literally over a hundred years. ↩︎

Thankfully, history also clearly demonstrates that the tide can be turned. ↩︎

“The use of the term ‘wicked’ here has come to denote resistance to resolution.” Wikipedia page. ↩︎

“Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world,” etc etc. ↩︎

[eylaniii]

BTS Explain Concepts Behind 'Love Yourself: Her' Album: 'This Is the Beginning of Our Chapter Two'

From the meaning of "Go Go" to why the band needed to flex their win at BBMAs, BTS' Rap Monster explains it all.

Mere hours before the release of BTS'Love Yourself: Her, the album's significance wasn't lost on the group's leader, Rap Monster.

"It's really a huge, big step for us," the 23-year-old rapper/songwriter/producer told Billboard during a phone call from Seoul. "Of course, every member is so excited about the album. We've been just practicing until now, day and night, to show these new songs and perfected performances. I left a message on our fan cafe, the other day, after we finished that 'this EP will mark the turning point of BTS' and even though the wait felt really long with this album -- I think it was the huge event, the BBMAs, were in May -- so much has happened."

The wait has been particularly anticipated for for the band's famously passionate fan base, known as Army, who have been waiting for new tracks from Rap Monster, Jimin, Suga, J-Hope, Jin, V and Jungkook band after voting them Top Social Artist at the 2017 Billboard Music Awards over fellow pop juggernauts Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande, Selena Gomez and Shawn Mendes.

Since then, the BTS guys have landed distribution deals with Amazon and U.S.-based The Orchard ("We believe the physical album, still, really counts and it's really important to connect with our fans around the world," Rap Monster said) and hung out with worldwide chart-toppers like Major Lazer, Halsey, Charli XCX("Maybe it's just my sixth sense, but I think maybe we will be collaborating with even more interesting artists," he added); even snagging The Chainsmokers to produce a beat for Love Yourself: Her.

One listen to the tightly produced record -- which looks likely to make a big splash on the Billboard 200 next week -- and the passion is palpable from the intense lead single "DNA," the societal commentary in "Go Go," among multiple lyrics and moments that feel ripped from the members' personal journals. There's also loads of passion in Rap Monster's voice talking about these new songs as he sees and envisions the larger picture and message for his band's latest batch of forward-thinking EDM, hip-hop and pop tracks. Read on for Billboard's deeper analysis of Love Yourself: Her with Rap Monster.

Let's start right from the beginning with "Serendipity." Why was this the right song to choose as the intro and kick off the era?

When I wrote the lyrics, melodies and the first themes of "Serendipity," I tried to come up with some rare things you find in life, something very special, like the calico, three-striped cat; things that have extraordinary meanings in people's lives. I wanted to share this moment.

I was reading the lyrics are gender neutral, which I think is really powerful. Was that a conscious decision?

The lyrics were based on rare and special things in life. So, I thought, those feelings transcend genders, cultures and barriers between people.

We always put out the "Intro" just before releasing our single, so the intro is taking the role of telling the concept of this album. But "Serendipity" was actually the right song to share the feelings of our single, "DNA." The title is about how our DNA is connected in the universe, I think that was the right feel for this album.

Let's talk about "DNA." How does this single continue and progress the story of BTS?

When we're talking about our title tracks, "DNA" is about the expression of a young, passionate love. The lyrics are like, "The two of us our connected fatefully from the start, our DNA was just the one thing." At the same time, "DNA" is taking BTS to new ground. We tried to apply new grammar and perspectives -- if you listen to the song, you'll understand what I'm trying to say -- it's very different from our previous music, technically and musically. I believe it's going to be the starting point of a second chapter of our career; the beginning of our Chapter Two.

"Best of Me" is really impressive. It sounds like The Chainsmokers, but it also sounds like BTS. You didn't lose yourself which isn't easy when collaborating with new artists. What was that process like?

I love that track! We met them at BBMAs, we were so lucky. Actually, they invited us to their concert just the other day -- they had a huge concert in Korea and we sang "Closer" together. For "Best of Me," they gave us several tracks and samples months ago, we and our producers picked one sample, like, "Okay, this is fit for our next album." So we worked on it, we sent it to them, we asked them what they think of the track we developed and got their opinions. And we made it! I'm so excited for it. [Laughs]

Your albums always have deeper social and society commentaries. Let's talk about some of the topics with this release. "Go Go" instantly comes to mind.

"Go Go" is a trendy song, but it's about how our young generation are living their lives with low expectations and standards so people are upset with reality; they have little hope and there's so much economic hardship. We wanted to say something about it and emphasize to the world that it's not their choice, but brutal reality that forces people to live and spend as if there's no future.

But in Korea, "YOLO" has become a big key word for young people because we don't have money and it's really hard to get a chance to earn a lot of money. I think society has a lot of problems for young people. Young people spend their money on claw crane machines at arcades and they spend like $30 on trying to win these dolls. And then it's like, "Oh! I spent all my money…shit. But I don't regret." That's the biggest luxury for Korea's young people: collecting accessories, cosmetics, that's what they think is a luxury. It's "YOLO" because it's like, "I'm gonna buy allthis! I’m gonna buy all this food and I'm going to eat it! I'm going to do it!" I think it's sad because it's all we can. "Go Go" is just saying, "Okay, just do it, we won't regret it. Just spend several bucks on the machine and eat the food!" But at the same time, the song is very easily to sing along to so I think many people will like that song, especially if they find the deeper meaning.

Of course, I have to ask about making a skit interlude out of your BBMAs acceptance speech.

You need to hear "Mic Drop" because the skit was my speech at BBMAs --  because that was a big moment for our history -- and then we put "Mic Drop" next to that because it's like a flex -- like, "Okay, we're done. We don't need to give a shit about anything." That was the right skit and follow-up song for this album.

The last song, "Outro: Her" really spoke to me. It almost reads like a diary.

Ha! [Laughs]

After talking with you, it feels like it recaps the whole album and is really introspective.

I think that was the fastest work I did for this album. I wrote the verse in 20 minutes; it just came, very truthfully, from the bottom of my heart. I thought it was the right outro for this album because it is really a range of emotions -- I'm saying I met this person that I really love, this person is the love of my life right now, I'm saying that I was confused and I was looking for love and this world is complex. But I think it's you so, "I call you 'her,' 'cause you're my tear." "I think you're the start and the end of me." That's what I'm saying: You're my wonder, but you're also my answers. You're my "her," but you're still the "tear."

The hook is saying that love is not all about the happiness, it's just not just about the joy, it's not just about delight. If you want to love a person, you should know that there are tears and there can even be hatred inside of it. I think a love really includes all of that. That's what I was trying to say. It's complex.

And if fans are so lucky to own the physical album, they'll hear two hidden tracks at the very. Why keep them secretive?

I think they're hidden because you have to be a real fan of BTS to understand them. Otherwise, you won't. Otherwise, you'd like be, "Why are they feeling so confused about things? They're good?!? They're No. 1 somewhere, they have so much stuff, why are they worried?" People always talk about that. But if you are true fan of BTS and you buy the album and you listen to the hidden track -- if you are an Army and we spent time together from 2013, 2014 -- they could understand. It's kind of more special, more closer, to our true hearts.

Credits : http://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/k-town/7966098/bts-love-yourself-her-album-rap-monster-interview-analysis-meaning 

[idrinkcoffeebeforeisleep]

Coffee: A Comfort and a Quest

This blog post comes to you after another somewhat sleepless night of studying. I’m four weeks into fall semester and so far things are going very well: I love my classes, I’m balancing all of my obligations and responsibilities, and I’m drinking a LOT of coffee! Actually, I just finished up my history midterm and I’m rewarding myself with a writing break and the thermos of delicious (and still piping hot!) coffee I made before I left the house this morning.

I’ve settled into a bit of a rhythm in the past month, and lately I’ve discovered that I like the comfort of having a a rhythm. I think “comfortable” things are often dismissed as boring or lacking adventure, but I completely disagree. Coffee, for example, is one of the most comfortable things in the world to me, and many of my best adventures have been a result of a coffee quest. Last week I randomly stumbled across a Facebook event for a coffee bike ride in DC, and I immediately wanted to make it happen! I hadn’t ridden a bike since I was a kid, but I’d been thinking I wanted to try biking around the city sometime. Plus, coffee was included! So, with an irresistible opportunity in front of me, I borrowed a beautiful bicycle from my housemate, told myself that all the hiking I’ve done in the pasts several months would be enough preparation for a 14 mile ride, and pedaled off toward The Bike Rack in Brookland.

It was a truly gorgeous day, and the moment I got on the bike and realized that I was thankfully not an exception to the “you never forget how to ride a bicycle” rule, I was in total paradise. When I arrived at the bike shop everyone was so welcoming and friendly, and I couldn’t stop smiling once we started and I rode a bike on a city street for the first time *ever!*

The ride included three stops, all of which were local coffee shops. Our first destination, Zeke’s, was only about a mile and a half in, so it was a perfect warm-up. Zeke’s Coffee is a family-operated coffee roastery that originated in Baltimore and specializes in small batches. I was in heaven as we took a tour of their Woodridge location, which included touring the facility, examining the differences in the coffee beans, a Q&A session with one of the managers, and a tasting of three of their blends. I learned that “bird-friendly coffee” is a thing (and something I’d like to learn more about), and had a chance to chat more with my fellow bikers.

After Zeke’s we rode somewhere between 10 and 12 miles to our next stop. Qualia Coffee in Petworth is one of my favorite coffee shops in the city (and the only shop where I genuinely like the pour overs), so I was so pleased to find that they’ve opened up a second location in the Eckington neighborhood. The space was lovely and quiet, and again we were treated to a mini lecture and a sampling of two of their coffees. At that point I was feeling pretty wiped out from all the biking, so I also drank a lot of water and felt very relieved when someone told me we only had about 15 minutes of the ride left!

Although I slowed down quite a bit at the end, I still finished the ride (only a few minutes behind the rest of the group, all of whom I forgot to mention were rather experienced bikers) and felt giddily proud of myself as I locked my bike up outside our final destination: Fox Loves Taco, a coffee shop/vegetarian taco restaurant whose mission is to provide tasty food for coffee drinkers that goes well beyond the usual (often sparse) coffee shop fare. Fun note: Fox Loves Taco is actually connected to The Bike Rack, and the combination of the two spaces results in a super fun and creative vibe! We sampled their cold brew (I’m not usually a cold brew drinker but it was perfect after the workout) and house-made sweet potato tortillas, and I ordered the cutest, brightest purple kombucha and some of the most fantastic tacos I’ve ever eaten in my whole life.

During all of this, I kept thinking about how amazing it was to connect with a new group of people over some very simple (but exciting!) shared interests and comforts. I love that living in the DC area provides me with so many opportunities to meet people and explore my interests in new, creative contexts. I love that someone at The Bike Rack thought to design an adventure that didn’t make me have to choose between two of my favorite Saturday comforts: going to brunch and spending time outdoors. I love that I was so happy and refueled by tacos that I ended up biking 3.5 more miles home. I love that I believed in myself enough to attempt the ride in the first place, and I love that it was all inspired by my intense adoration for coffee and the adventures it inspires.

[entergamingxp]

DualShockers’ Favorite Games of 2019 — Logan’s Top 10

December 25, 2019 2:00 PM EST

While 2019 didn’t have one, major standout game, it ended up being one of my favorite years in recent memory based on my own personal tastes.

As 2019 comes to a close, DualShockers and our staff are reflecting on this year’s batch of games and what were their personal highlights within the last year. Unlike the official Game of the Year 2019 awards for DualShockers, there are little-to-no-rules on our individual Top 10 posts. For instance, any game — not just 2019 releases — can be considered.

I kind of fell out of love with gaming to a certain degree this year. Believe me, I still spent countless hundreds of hours over the course of 2019 playing a variety of different games, but unlike past years, I didn’t feel an inherent obligation to try and get my hands on every hot new release. While you might be questioning my gamer status because I say this, I feel like stepping back a bit and not feeling a responsibility to play every major release was really healthy for me. Not to mention, I actually got physically healthier as a result of limiting my time playing games because I focused a lot of my newfound free time on activities like going to the gym. I feel better here at the end of 2019 from a physical standpoint than I have in quite a while, which is nice.

I also just had a really difficult 2019 when it came to my personal life. As a result, spending my free time playing games was something I didn’t always want to do. I mentioned this in my Sekiro review earlier in the year, but I had some health issues in the early portion of 2019 that dragged on up until a few months ago. Even though I didn’t let on much about it to close friends, the whole situation really stressed me out quite a lot and took up a lot of my headspace.

With all of this being said though, I really just want to express love and gratitude to our team here at DualShockers and to our community who follows the site. Even in the midst of a variety of personal hardships, our staff really helped pick me up this year when I was down, whether they knew that or not. I’m forever grateful for the crew we have at DualShockers and to you–yes, you–if you’re reading this. Running a website is actually a pretty hard gig but I feel continually #blessed because of who I have the pleasure of working alongside here. I’ll never take that for granted.

Anyway, of the games that I did spend time with in 2019, here are my ten favorites. Merry Christmas to you all and best wishes in 2020.

10. League of Legends

If 2018 was the year I fell in love with League of Legends, 2019 was the year in which I was exposed to the dark side of the ever-popular MOBA. Elo hell, toxicity within the in-game chat, and players running it down mid seemed to be present constantly when I was playing. To be honest, I have no idea how I’m still playing the game after such a terrible year in solo queue.

Despite all of this, I played over 900 games of League in 2019 and it was my most-played game of the year by a mile. Heck, it’s hands-down the most-played game of my entire life at this point as well and I don’t really see myself stopping moving into next year. I didn’t want to put League of Legends very high on my list this year since it has become such a staple of my gaming diet at this point, but with how much I still play it on a weekly basis, I needed to at least mention it. Hopefully, 2020 will prove to be a more positive experience for me with League. And, uhh, I should also probably stop playing it as much, too.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for League of Legends.

9. Halo 2 Anniversary

For some reason, myself and fellow DualShockers writer Michael Ruiz decided about a year ago that we wanted to replay all of the Halo games before Infinite releases next year. We’ve still got quite a bit of ground to cover before late 2020 (we’re about halfway through Halo 3 right now), but we did end up playing through the entirety of Halo 2 Anniversary, and it was some of the most fun I had this year.

When The Master Chief Collection released back in 2014, I actually never ended up playing through the remastered version of Halo 2 for one reason or another. In hindsight, I’m actually glad that I waited because it allowed me to revisit the second Halo entry with an Xbox One X and a 4K TV, two things that I didn’t own five years ago. 343 Industries really did a great job of bringing this classic to the present day and my experience was made all the better because I played through the whole campaign with one of my good pals. I’m really looking forward to finishing our playthrough of the series in the coming months.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Halo: The Master Chief Collection.

8. Devil May Cry 5

I’ve been wanting to play the Devil May Cry series for years at this point. In the lead up to Devil May Cry 5, I told myself that I would play through every other entry (yes, even DMC2) before diving into this year’s release. Once Devil May Cry 5 launched back in March though, I threw all of those plans out the window and just decided to jump into the latest entry in the series. All in all, I’m really glad I did this.

Devil May Cry 5 is one of the more enjoyable games that I played this entire year, which says a lot considering that I probably didn’t get the most out of the story like others surely did. While it definitely has a fair number of problems by my own estimation, the combat is unrivaled and never gets stale at almost any point throughout the entirety of the experience. Plus, hacking demons up as Dante while screamo music plays in the background is just a joy in every sense of the word. I haven’t spent much time dwelling on Devil May Cry 5 since I saw it through to completion, but I definitely loved my time with it in the moment.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Devil May Cry 5.

7. Gears 5

Following an outing that I didn’t care for all that much with Gears of War 4, I was shocked by how much I loved Gears 5. I said this in my review of the game earlier this year, but The Coalition really blew me away with the strides they took in this entry in the long-running shooter series. All of the new elements such as the open-world style areas, the addition of Escape mode, and the other minor refinements seen throughout Gears 5 made it my favorite installment in the saga since Gears of War 2. Not to mention, I also think it’s the best first-party game Microsoft has released this entire generation.

If there’s one thing about Gears 5 that I’m saddened by, it’s that I haven’t played the game more this year. Obviously, I’ve spent my free time on other games rather than playing Gears 5, so that’s my own fault. Still, I think about returning to Gears 5 very often and I might end up diving back in over the holidays.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Gears 5.

6. Apex Legends

I ended up bouncing off of Apex Legends pretty hard only a few months after it released, but I also cannot deny how much pure enjoyment I got out of it when it stealth launched. In a time where I didn’t see myself playing battle royale games much anymore, Apex Legends spiced up the genre in inventive, fun ways that brought me and my group of battle royale friends back together.

I also have to credit Respawn for creating such a polished, tight experience and continuing to push this relatively young subgenre forward. The idea of playing as characters with different abilities sounded a bit odd to me at first, but Respawn proved with Apex Legends that this scheme can work in the battle royale space. Not to mention, I think Apex is just flat out the best shooter of the year in terms of controls. I might not play it too often anymore, but Apex Legends is very good and I’m so glad that it exists.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Apex Legends.

5. Death Stranding

Death Stranding is such a weird game. On one hand, I love many aspects of it such as the world, the story, and the characters. On the other, I think the gameplay is incredibly one-note and the full experience could’ve been tightened up so much. Hideo Kojima was essentially given a blank check from Sony to make this game, but he also was in dire need of an editor. Death Stranding just drags on for far too long at certain points.

Despite my complaints though, Death Stranding could very well be the most memorable gaming experience I had all year long. It’s a grind to get through, but it’s unlike anything else in the gaming space right now and tells a really touching (albeit insane and confusing) story. The Metal Gear saga is still Kojima’s magnum opus, but I liked the famed director’s follow-up despite its flaws. I cannot wait to see what he and his team decide to create next.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Death Stranding.

4. Judgment

Judgment is the most slept-on game of the year, and this is coming from someone who isn’t a longtime Yakuza fan. Judgment ended up being my first foray into Ryu Ga Gotoku’s world of Yakuza and I loved every minute of it. The journey of the game’s main character Takayuki Yagami and his cohorts in the city of Kamurocho is filled with laughs, drama, and boss fights with people named Ass Catchem.

Pound for pound, I don’t think I had more pure enjoyment with any game this year more than I did with Judgment. The game is filled to the brim with content and just when you start to get burnt out with what it’s throwing at you, something new and exciting shows up. Play Judgment — I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Judgment.

3. Resident Evil 2

I love Resident Evil; it might very well be my favorite franchise in all of gaming. As such, it shouldn’t come as a shock whatsoever that I adored the remake of Resident Evil 2. Capcom masterfully took the story and main beats of the original, adapted it for the RE Engine, and created a final product that felt like a great mix of RE2 and RE4. In the process, they also turned Mr. X into likely the most popular character in any video game this year. I love that bowler hat-wearing monster.

Resident Evil 2 is probably the best video game remake ever made and it might be the best RE game to boot. A few years back, it felt like Resident Evil as a whole was nearly a dead franchise, so to see it come back with such a vengeance has warmed my cold, dead gamer heart. I absolutely cannot wait to see what Capcom does with Resident Evil 3 next year.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Resident Evil 2.

2. Return of the Obra Dinn

Yes, Return of the Obra Dinn did release last year, but I didn’t get a chance to play it until January of this year. It’s a true shame that I didn’t get around to it in 2018, either, because I really think it was in dire need of some Game of the Year consideration.

Regardless, better late than never, I did get around to playing Obra Dinn and it enraptured me more than any other game did in 2019. From the opening moments that I climbed aboard the remains of the good ship Obra Dinn, I was mesmerized; not just from the game’s wonderful art style, but from the mystery surrounding this eerie tale. What happened to this ship’s crew? How did everyone aboard it disappear? And how exactly am I going to tie all of these threads together?

I played Return of the Obra Dinn in one fell swoop and didn’t turn it off until I had seen it through to its conclusion. In my old man age of 25 years, it takes a lot for me to stay up until around 3am solely to keep playing a game, but I just couldn’t put Return of the Obra Dinn down. It’s not just one of my favorite games that I played this year, it’s one of the most unique experiences that I have ever had with a video game and I cannot recommend it enough.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Return of the Obra Dinn.

1. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice

Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice is far and away my favorite game of the year, which shouldn’t be a shock whatsoever if you’ve talked to me at any point since I first played Bloodborne back in 2017. I was a late convert to the Church of FromSoftware, but now, the developer is likely my favorite in the entire world.

Sekiro has a lot in common with the Souls games that came before it, but also feels like such an evolution and advancement of all of the ideas at the root of the genre. The gameplay, specifically, is what makes Sekiro stand out to me so much in this year’s crowded slate of releases. FromSoftware created a system of combat mechanics that make sense at a baseline level right out of the gate, but takes hours upon hours to fully learn all of the intricacies. The boss fights, which I specifically think are the best of any FromSoftware game ever made, continue to throw new things at you throughout the entirety of the experience. You’re always learning new things in Sekiro and then are quickly asked to take everything that you have learned and apply them within the context of a new challenge.

I know Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice might not be for everyone, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s a very hard game and not everyone may want to spend their gaming time screaming at their televisions. If you stick it out though and learn the ins and outs of what Sekiro tries to teach you, you’ll have an experience that is unmatched compared to anything else that released in 2019.

Check out DualShockers‘ review of Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice.

Check out the rest of the DualShockers staff Top 10 lists and our official Game of the Year Awards:

December 23: DualShockers Game of the Year Awards 2019 December 25: Lou Contaldi, Editor-in-Chief // Logan Moore, Managing Editor December 26: Tomas Franzese, News Editor // Ryan Meitzler, Features Editor  December 27: Mike Long, Community Manager // Scott White, Staff Writer December 28: Chris Compendio, Contributor // Mario Rivera, Video Manager December 29: Scott Meaney, Community Director // Allisa James, Senior Staff Writer // Ben Bayliss, Senior Staff Writer December 30: Cameron Hawkins, Staff Writer // David Gill, Senior Staff Writer // Portia Lightfoot, Contributor December 31: Iyane Agossah, Senior Staff Writer // Michael Ruiz, Senior Staff Writer // Rachael Fiddis, Contributor January 1: Ricky Frech, Senior Staff Writer // Tanner Pierce, Staff Writer

December 25, 2019 2:00 PM EST

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2019/12/dualshockers-favorite-games-of-2019-logans-top-10/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=dualshockers-favorite-games-of-2019-logans-top-10

[geek-and-nerd-are-not-the-same]

“If you missed this article, I recently underwent a full 30-day commitment to self-tape a scene every single day. No batching. No cheating. Blah blah blah. I also posted about it every day from my Instagram here.

A few people even got so pumped they asked to participate with me...I can safely say I love all the enthusiasm, but it died shortly after on day 3. So I pushed on alone. Here is how I set it up, what I learned, how I (kind of) did it, what I wish I could have done, and what I am planning for the future.

137C39F9-55EA-4371-B536-6F1406DDA021.JPG

the technical set up

I posted about my lighting set up in this article, I highly recommend having an easy at home set up not only for this but for your own random auditions. Rarely do auditions come in at convenient times and there is a solid chance you won't be shooting in the purest daylight. I also use this camera rig to prop my iPhone on one of the light poles, then simply move it back to the side of the office space when I'm done. As few technical steps as possible will make this (and all self-tapes) a lot easier and then you can focus on the thing you are required to be good at...the acting. I prefer to shoot with the app FilMic Pro, just because the quality is solid and the ability to adjust the lighting on the video itself is so key.

getting material

I seemed to have picked a solid few weeks of summer wherein I had little to no auditions. Yay. Thank god I keep sides. I know a lot of people therapeutically throw them away after every audition, but I have a massive file folder they go into instead. And not just mine. I also put in scripts I was actually hired to work on, sides I used with friends, or even VO's. But if that's not something you have on hand, I have a few suggestions. 1, ask your fellow actors from FB groups, classes, etc to pass along anything they don't have to sign an NDA for (duh), 2, keep a list of the projects you self-submit for and then head to ShowFax and search the sides for the projects (whether you get them or not, if you pay for a membership you have access), or 3, Google literally any movie or TV show with the word "pdf" after it and you'll probably find the script. This option will obviously require a little more effort to search specific scenes.

getting readers

Other actors will tell you they want to help you...but actually getting on the same timeline is easier said than done. I used my boyfriend (thank you again Caleb....thank you) for a LOT of my auditions (did I say thank you?) mostly because he lives in the same home. Recruiting roommates would be helpful too. If you've been a reader for your friends before, nows the time to cash in on those favors. There's a good chance they too could use some dialogue work. Skype is a viable option, it's annoying and not as clean and simple as in-person, but I resorted to this a time or two to get a reader. Last ditch efforts: monologues (I know) or recording the other half of your lines on video on your computer.

*What I wish I would have known: WeRehearse. This is an online platform based on self-tapes. Not only does this revolutionary company run taping over webcam, they also provide readers if you just need to rehearse, as well as casting and other opportunities. And you can make money by becoming a reader yourself...win/win! Keep an eye and ear out, you'll be hearing more about them soon!

getting it "done"

The hardest part by far was just working the material and getting it into a good enough place to film it. I would schedule my taping session into my calendar the night before (I have a whole post coming soon on how I use my calendar) and then make it happen. I will tell you, not every piece was my finest work. Somedays they were just...complete. Usually, I would not have time till 8-9pm and would film without any makeup, my hair in a messy bun, sweating profusely (side note: don't do this in the dead heat of summer without central air).

*What I wish I would have done: I wish I would have picked my scenes in advance, about a week or so. Scrambling to get it together minutes before my reader arrived was stressful and I never felt properly dressed to be on camera.

where i went wrong

Mid-way through the process, I lost steam. On top of that my grandmother got pretty ill and I needed to travel to see her. I had already traveled quite a bit during the time I set aside (nothing new, we all know self-taping when out of town is a skill we should have since the second you book out, they come flying in!) but this was different. A full few days of solid family time require a lot more attention, so I set aside my challenge for those 4 days. Getting back into it was hard after that. I felt like I failed because I took time off. I had lost my streak. I managed to go the next few days but then I started a new acting class intensive that required a lot of rehearsals and I also started interviewing for a new job. I hit day 26...and stopped. That's right folks: I did not complete the 30 days.

*What I wish I would have done: I tend to go really all into an idea. And never just one idea at a time. For example, I finished Improv, started a new class, did this 30 Day Challenge and decided to change jobs so I could spend more time on acting...within the same 6 weeks. Great in theory...terrible in execution.

I learned a LOT though. Getting material into my hands every single day was a game changer for my skills. Getting off the page comes quicker now than it has in months. I hope to keep the skill sharp AF. I also love that I was an actor every single day. I went to bed knowing I did some sort of work on my career...even if the only thing anyone would see was my screenshot on my Insta-story. And that is priceless.

The next time I do the Self Tape Challenge, it will be 7-10 days long. And all my material will be reel-worthy. And I will film them all as if they were going to execs at Warner Brothers...anyone wanna join?”

[wellpersonsblog]

Freezer Cooking Tips

Looking for some Freezer Cooking Tips? These simple ideas from a Registered Dietitian will teach you how to make freezer cooking work for you by saving time and reducing stress during a busy week.

Hi friends!

Let’s talk freezer cooking tips, shall we? One of my number one requests from you guys is more freezer meals so I hope you’ll find today’s post helpful. First I want to introduce you to my friend and fellow RD Mary Ellen over at Milk & Honey Nutrition. (You may recall we started a mama support group over on Facebook last month called Turnips & Tantrums. Be sure to join us over there if you haven’t already!) She just so happens to be a freezer cooking pro. She even wrote an ebook about it! So I asked her to share a few tips with you guys and here’s what she had to say:

Freezer Cooking brings up a number of ideas for different people, but regardless of your previous opinion… keep reading to see how my version of freezer cooking can not only save you time, but also money and stress. Most people I’ve talked to, if they haven’t tried freezer cooking already, say they’re scared about being in the kitchen for “so long” and worry they’ll be so stressed having to prepare so much food.

BUT, if done right, freezer cooking actually accomplishes the opposite… you’ll feel less stress the day of, and for the whole month ahead knowing you’ve got dinner already done… every single night!

Stress less in the kitchen

Here are a few ways to ensure you experience less stress in the kitchen, especially on your prep day:

Double and triple check you have all the ingredients you need.

Set aside uninterrupted time (no other distractions) for cooking.

Read through all of your recipes before beginning and print them out! (imagine your phone or tablet locking up with you’re elbow deep in shredded chicken and spinach.)

Prep the meat and vegetables first. Whether you’re just doing some basic meal prepping or a full freezer cooking session, these are often the most time-consuming parts. Once you have these done, everything else goes pretty quickly.

Use freezer-friendly disposable containers to store prepped meat and vegetables, and finished recipes once ready to be stored.

Prepare the recipes in a logical order… if something needs to bake, get that going first, and work on other recipes while that one is baking in the oven.

Have a designated “trash” area on the counter, a common place to rest spoons, wrappers, continers, egg shells, etc.

How to pick the right recipes

Build collections of 6-9 recipes that you feel comfortable making all at once. Try to group recipes that have similar ingredients to reduce the cost at the grocery store and the time you’ll need to spend preparing them. And look for recipes that are easy to double. Some of my favorites include:

Asian fried rice

Hearty lentil stew

Cranberry Quinoa Veggie Sauté

Carrot Apple Butternut Squash Soup

Cheesy Beef and Kale Pasta Bake

Building your grocery list

Set aside time to do a totally separate grocery trip for a freezer cooking day.

Build a separate grocery list as well. (Doing this typically means I’m less likely to forget things)

If a recipe calls for canned beans or veggies, look for reduced sodium or no salt added varieties whenever possible and if a recipe calls for them to be drained, also rinse them off before using them in the recipe.

When using canned tomato products specifically, try to find preservative-free varieties (without calcium chloride; citric acid is ok) when possible. One nationally known brand available at many stores is Pomi.

Freezer Cooking is an excellent meal planning tool. It allows you to spend less time in the kitchen, while still making healthy choices. But if the idea of choosing your own recipes, and building a grocery list seems too time-consuming, my eBook, Freezer Cooking with Milk & Honey Nutrition provides you with step by step instructions for how to prepare 9 different recipes in a matter of hours, ensuring you have dinner and/or lunch prepared for weeks in advance. Once completed, you’ll have 50+ adult meals. Check it out here and use code LEANGREEN for $5 off.

Big thanks to Mary Ellen for these tips! I wanted to pop in an add a few of my own thoughts as well.

Like she mentioned, my best tip for freezer meals is to pick recipes that can easily be doubled. It’s super easy to prep 2-3 batches of the same recipe all at once and have them on hand. Things like casseroles, soups, burgers and meatballs work especially well for this. Then you can spread them out over the next few months so you don’t get bored with them.

Think beyond dinner. A lot of people think only dinners can be prepped for the freezer but my freezer actually tends to full of a lot of breakfast and snack options. I like to make and freeze energy balls, smoothie bags, popsicles, pancakes and waffles, muffins, baked oatmeal and more to have on hand for quick meals and snacks for the kids.

Use your slow cooker! Some of the easiest meals to prep are dump and go crockpot meals. You can just throw everything in a ziploc bag and freeze them. The night before you want to make them, put them in the fridge to thaw and then just dump everything in the slow cooker the morning of.

Prep components. It’s super easy to prep a big batch of shredded chicken, pork or beef. Portion it out and freeze. Then you can just pull it out and use it for things like enchiladas, casseroles, soups and more. Same goes for things like rice!

Invite a friend. If you’re going to do a big prep day, it might be a fun to invite a friend to prep along with you. Then you can chat the whole time and both end up with a freezer full of food. Make a master list, split it in half and you can each go to the store for half the items.

For a few more resources, be sure to check out my friend Regan’s podcast called This Unmillenial Life. She has a whole episode of freezer meals that you may find helpful. And my friend Kelly over at New Leaf Wellness is another queen of freezer meals with tons of ebooks and blog post full of great freezer recipes.

Some of my favorite freezer recipes are:

Lemon Energy Balls

Whole Wheat Yogurt Waffles

Baked Oatmeal French Toast Sticks

Freezer Chicken Tenders

Cilantro Lime Chicken

Slow Cooker Honey Garlic Chicken Thighs

That’s it for today! Hope these Freezer Cooking Tips were helpful! Be sure to check out Mary Ellen’s blog for more great recipe ideas and check out her ebook as well to get started on your freezer meals journey.

Have your own freezer cooking tips or favorite recipes? Leave them in the comments!!

Enjoy! –Lindsay–

The post Freezer Cooking Tips appeared first on The Lean Green Bean.

First found here: Freezer Cooking Tips

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It’s that time of the month again!  Today I’ll be sharing how I’m doing with my New Years Resolutions.  I honestly feel a bit reluctant to share my resolution check up for February because I feel like not much has happened but the whole point of this blog set is to keep myself accountable and continue to reach for my goals regardless of setbacks so here we go!

My 2017 New Years Resolutions

Lose 15 Pounds

Do A Running Event

Pass JLPT N3 & Start Studying for N2 –> Change to 30 minutes of daily study for the month of March

Blog at least 3 times a month  –> Change to blog at least 7 times a month

Vlog at Least Once a Month

Make a Few Aronzi Aronzo Plushies from Book  –> Change to make at least 2 new plushies a month with at least one new pattern

Use All Old Beauty Supplies Before Buying New Ones

Re-Pick Up Journalling Daily

Practice Yoga –> Change to 30 Days of Yoga with Adriene

So compared to how much I hustled in January, literally nothing has changed in regards to checking things off my list except one of my monthly goals and actually, I went backwards with with on my goals.  Let me go a bit deeper into how I did with each goal for the month of February.

Weight Loss

I feel like I’m just at a standstill with this goal which is extremely disappointing.  One day I get all pumped to track my food with MyFitnessPal but then that same day I get ravenously hungry and eat everything in sight.  I have a feeling it has to do with the mentality that I’m going on a “diet” or restricting my intake which makes me want to eat more and more.  I know I should re-read “Intuitive Eating” to work with this food issue I have because I KNOW it’ll help but it was just so boring the first time I read it and I couldn’t finish it.  Maybe an audio book would help?

If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, you’ll know I’m in the midst of a 4 Week Shopping Fast and I had hoped that cutting out buying any sort of snack or candy will help me with my eating but so far the restricting of buying snacks has done the opposite!   I’ve literally eaten almost every snack I have stockpiled in my house in aims to “get rid of them so I wont eat them later” but obviously this isn’t doing much for my weight loss and I’m probably just gaining weight!.  Another issue I’m facing is that because I can only eat snacks and treats I’ve made myself…I’m baking and making my snacks all the time! Which sure is a bit healthier but I have already made two batches of brownies and a thousand batches of croutons to snack on and it’s only Day 5 of the shopping fast…! I feel like in terms of my eating habits I’ve barely changed much in February. Or possibly gotten worse?  I know it because I feel incredibly guilty about it and I hate this guilt that I feel collecting at the pit of my stomach.  I know what I need to do to make better changes but I guess I’m afraid of the change and afraid of taking the plunge.  Afraid to move out of this comfortable routine I have with eating.  I may even be afraid of how I’ll look once I actually do lose the weight.  That’s hard to own up to but I think I need to take hold of the fear and learn to be friends with it in order to really tackle this eating issue.   I think the only way to work on my weight loss goal is to make mini goals for myself for the month of March so here are a few I have in mind..

-Try and track but maybe not on MyFitnessPal. Just log in a journal so you can see what food reacts badly with your body so you can make better changes in terms of feeling better (and not bloated / gross).

-Eat more fruit instead of baked goods…get creative with said fruit

-Continue to meal plan and stop being bored with eating the same thing because it only makes me more frustrated. I hate that I get so bored with food..I’m not sure how else to fix this though.

-Make healthy decisions when eating out and stop when you’re full.

Exercise: Running Event & Yoga

Actually with this goal, I’ve made some headway.  Bae, bestie Rachael and I signed up for the Nihondaira Sakura 10k on April 2nd!  I’m super excited but also nervous.  I haven’t been running as consistently as I was last month since I had a bad case of shin splints at the end of January and beginning of February buuut I am trying my best and the last few runs I’ve gone on I felt great so I’m hoping that I’ll be trained up enough to at least finish the 10k (even if it’s not within the time limit haha).  As for other exercise like yoga, I have been going nowhere.  I think it’s because I just am not motivated and extremely lazy right now. ITS SO COLD!  The goal: “Practice Yoga” is also super vague so I think I need to narrow it down a bit and trim off the fat.  So, I’m planning on just trying to do 30 days of yoga straight with the famous Adriene (check out her channel linked above).  I’ve done this challenge before but only made it to 12 days.  I’m hoping to do the full 30 and see where and how I feel from there.  Narrowing this goal down makes me feel like it’ll be easier to accomplish if I’m given a time limit.

(Update: I just realized I set the  goal to do 30 days of yoga with Adriene last month but didn’t end up doing it….so that kinda sucks but it motivates me more to actually do it in March..whoops)

Study

I’ve been keeping it pretty consistent with my  weekly study sessions with my fellow ALTS so I hope to continue to make every session for the month.  I also hope to try and study a bit more at work instead of just reading books, blogging, and doodling around.  I feel like I have so much time to study right now since I don’t plan on taking N2 for another year or so but I know that every minute and hour adds up so I should focus on trying to study a little every day.  So for March I want to log 3o minutes of daily study either on flashcard apps, study books, or maybe just a full conversation in Japanese with my friends.

Creative Endeavors

This is one goal that I’m actually proud to say I’ve done really well on in the month of February.  I’ve gotten so much better from where I was before!  I’ve made three handmade plushies in the month of February and also started on a new pattern.  I’m thinking of making my own pattern and trying out some original designs (possibly making a Pokemon plushie? Cough cough maybe even a Snorlax?) but I also hope to keep working from the book I’ve been using.  Since I’ve been doing so well with this goal, I wanted to up the ante and so I’ve changed my goal from “Make a few Aronzi Aronzo plushies from book” to “Make at least 2 plushies a month with one new pattern (or more)”.   Here are the two plushies I’m most proud of from this past month:

The bear’s mouth piece is a bit crooked but other than that the two look great! I actually made the bunny last night so technically it wasn’t in February but whatevs.

Blogging and Vlogging

Another goal I’ve done quite well on this past month.  I think I made this goal a bit too easy so I’ve changed it to blog at least 7 times a month to make it a bit more challenging.  I think what’s helped me with keeping this goal in track is the fact that I have a journal and calendar just for blogging to write down any ideas I have for future posts and when I want to post them.  In the month of February I’ve posted 9 blog posts which is pretty darn good!  As for vlogging, I didn’t get around to making anything and I feel like part of it is because I don’t really have great lighting at home when I am actually free (after work) and the only day I could possibly vlog with good lighting is on a Sunday and I just haven’t had any good ideas or I’ve just been busy doing something else.

Anything ya’ll want to see in vlog form about Japan or just life in general?  Please leave a comment below. I’m really desperate for ideas.

Journalling & Finishing Beauty Supplies

So I didn’t journal at all in the month of February.  I know the reason and it’s going to sound super stupid but I hate how my journal looks.  I’m really particular about how things look and my journal is uuugly!  I think the only way I’ll be able to journal is to buy a new one or leave my journal at school so I can write when I know I have time. Plus it’ll be within hands reach so I am much more likely to reach for it when I have some free time on my hands.  Since I’m in my shopping fast, there’s no reason to buy a new journal so I think I’ll bring it to school log daily and hope I can just finish it up so I can buy a new one in the next month or so.  As for beauty supplies, I’ve finished up quite a few things (Clinique Moisture Surge, Ros Argan Body Conditioner, Clinique Spot Corrector, hand cream, toothe paste, various sheet masks, Glossier’s Bounce..)  and it feels nice to finally be using up everything before buying new ones.  I ran out of my eyebrow pencil today though, so I may have to cheat on the shopping fast and buy myself a new one because I can’t go a day without my awesome brows.

So I feel like this month’s check up was more about me owning up to the fact that I got REALLY lazy.  I’m honestly proud of myself that I’m actually writing about my failures though.  It’s a step in the right direction.  I’m now motivated more than ever to accomplish the goals I’ve set out for myself in March!   Thanks for reading! <3

Also if you haven’t already check out my new post:  2017 Wish List

Resolutions Check Up It's that time of the month again!  Today I'll be sharing how I'm doing with my…