#I actually feel physically sad how to I explain this to my partner oops

[theeminentlyimpractical]

I’ve been on a Remus/Sirius fic memory hole speedrun for the past 3 days and jesus christ no wonder I was so depressed in high school I was basically injecting USDA grade A angst directly into my veins for like 3 years straight there.

[lavenderjacobs]

fluff alphabet - karl jacobs

tw; none just pure fluff >.< wc; 2K pronouns; tried my best to make it gender neutral <3

A=Attractive (What do they find most attractive in a partner?) 

Karl just loves looking at your pretty face. He loves the familiar feeling he gets when he looks at you. He loves your nose and how it feels under his fingers. He loves the way your face fits perfectly on his shoulder. He loves cupping your face with his hands and looking into your eyes. It might be really cheesy, but Karl also just adores your smile. This man just melts at the way you’re entire face lights up when you laugh.

B=Best memory (Their favourite memory of you) 

Karl is a simple man lmao. Obviously he loves going out and doing fun things with you. But he would way rather enjoy your company in private. Just the two of you. His favourite memories of being with you probably consist of being cuddled up and completely devoured by blankets while watching a movie. Or you sitting on his lap while he plays Minecraft, struggling to stay awake while he keeps planting little kisses on the top of your head. 

C=Cuddles  (What type of cuddles do they like?) 

OMG KARL IS SUCH A HOE FOR CUDDLES. Whenever you two lay in bed together he just holds you so close to him the entire time. He just loves feeling you so close to him and knowing that you’re safe and happy. He loves being bigger spoon so he can wrap his arms around you and rest his head on top of yours, but he definitely won’t complain about being little spoon either. He loves resting his head on your chest, just listening to your heartbeat as he has his arms wrapped around your waist. 

D=Dirty mind (Do they have a dirty mind?) 

Karl definitely has a dirty mind oops. He is very open about it too. He can be very soft with you but when he’s whore knee he just wants to have his way with you. That can mean planting sloppy kisses on your neck from behind you while your just minding your business in the kitchen, or giving you ‘that’ look when you come out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around your body.

E=Effort (How much effort do they put in the relationship?) 

Karl is on it 24/7 to make sure your happy. He loves planning little dates, even if it’s just a walmart run or a drive around the neighbourhood, he just wants to spend time with you. Whenever you’re going through a tough time he will drop everything to make sure you’re okay. For example he could be streaming, and you would text him saying you’re sad, not knowing he would be streaming, and he’d just end the stream right there to go spoil you with cuddles and loving words.  

F=First date (What was your first date together) 

Your pre-dating relationship was probably either a friends to lovers one, or an enemies to lovers one. Constantly teasing each other but everyone, including your friends, would know what was really going on. You probably got tricked into going on a date with him for the first time, both acting like you hated it but secretly falling harder and harder for each other with every second. 

G=Gentle (How gentle are they with you?) 

This dude literally treats you like he could break you. He hold your hands like they’re little butterflies and plants the softest kisses on your forehead. He’s also super protective and possessive of you. He hates the thought of you going out alone, and whenever you two are at a party or something he’s just constantly holding your hand or having his arm wrapped around you, to show you’re his.

H=Hands (Do they have nice hands?)

To be honest, Karl’s hands are probably one of his best features. He takes such good care of them and loves wearing rings. He also loves wearing black nail polish, and constantly wants you to polish his nails for him. He could easily do it himself but that’s not the point lol

I=Impression (What was their first impression?)

The first time Karl saw you walk into a room he lost his breath for a second no joke. He was just so taken aback by your charming attitude and thought you were the most gorgeous person he had ever seen. He just immediately walked up to you to ask you for your name. 

J=Jealousy (Do they get jealous often? If so what do they do?)

Karl is such a pouty little jealous boy. He gets really whiney and needy in public when you’re not giving him enough attention. Whenever he sees someone hitting on you, he just gets extra lovey-dovey with you, wanting to make sure everyone knows you’re his. You would know exactly what was going on but just play along with it. One time you joined him on a filming day with the mr beast crew. All the boys would give you lots of attention, making flirty jokes mostly just to mess with Karl. Which worked because oh my god you had never seen him so touchy. You would ask him what was up and he would act like nothing was bothering him. “I’m fine why? Am i not allowed to show affection to my gf/bf/so anymore?” 

K=Kisses (What type of kisses do they like/give?)

Anything that has to do with touching you, Karl is a sucker for. (have I mentioned this man’s love language is 100% physical touch?) He litarally kisses your neck or forehead every 5 seconds, it’s just his way of showing he’s there. He doesn’t shy away from pda either. He won’t hasitate to kiss you passionately in front of a crowd of people. He doesn’t care who’s watching, all he cares about is you. 

L=Love  (Do they show their love?) 

As I said, this dude’s love language is definitely physical touch. After that probably comes quality time. He will get super pouty if the two of you haven’t gotten to properly spend time with each other for a while. For example, whenever you’re on your laptop working on something for school or work he will get super whiney, constantly begging for you to get off your laptop and come cuddle with him. He’s less good at expressing his love through words of affection. Obviously, this man tells you he loves you all of the time, but he gets scared about having deep conversations about your relationship, he’s just scared he’ll say something stupid and mess it all up.

M=Memory: (Their favourite memory in general?)

His favourite memory in general 100% has something to do with you. If he had to pick one, it would probably be that one time he introduced you to all his friends from the SMP. He’d be on a videocall on discord with Dream, George, Sapnap, Alex, Tommy, and Wilbur. They had been begging to meet you since forever, but he always said no, because he was scared they’d say something to embarrass him. But after some persuasion of you, he finally gave in. “HOLY FUCK I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE REAL THATS SO POGGERSS!” Alex yelled when you joined the call and sat next to Karl. You burst out laughing. You all just played Minecraft and messed around with each other for that night. All of Karl’s friends really liked you, and Karl himself couldn’t be prouder. 

N=Nickname  (What nicknames do they call you?)  

He has practically replaced your real name with “Baby” at this point. He loves calling you baby or babe in front of other people to show that you’re his. But when it’s just the two of you he would definitely be the type of guy to call you something really cheesy like sweetheart or darling. You love it tho :)

O=Over  (What happened the one time you ‘broke up’?)

The only thing you and Karl would ever fight about would be whenever your schedules would clash and you would spend less time together because of work/school. A lack of communication and both being exhausted lead to a huge fight once. Ending with you both thinking it just wasn’t gonna work out like this. You had slept in a nearby hotel for a night or two, basically crying yourself to sleep every night, because Karl wasn’t laying next to you. After a few days of both being miserable you realized that the two of you are meant for each other. You showed up to your house again, and almost tackled Karl with how fast you ran into his arms. “I’m never letting you go again.” He whispered in your ear. 

P=Parents (What would they be like as a parent?)

You and Karl both think it’s too early to have children, but you love just having endless conversations about how amazing it would be to have a little baby of your own. Just fantasizing about showing the little thing off to all of your friends, thinking of ridiculous baby-names together. Everytime you have these types of conversations you just melt at the thought of Karl actually being a dad one day. He’d be perfect for it. 

Q=Quirk (Something special about them)

I’m not saying homeboy has abandonment issues but....whenever you get up in the middle of the night to go get some water or something, he either gets very twitchy in his sleep, or wakes up right away and asks you where you’re going. “Y/N?” He says with a sleepy voice. You reach out for his face in the dark and gently ruffle your fingers through his hair. “Only getting some water baby, I’ll be right back.” You reassure him. 

R=Romantic (How romantic are they?)

Karl doesn’t want things to feel forced. He just wants things to be effortless. Big romantic gestures and fancy restaurants scare him. He has a very specific way of showing his affection to you and you know this, so you don’t expect him to wake you up with breakfast in bed or anything. Making it even more special whenever he does pull something like that. 

S=Sad (What are they like when they’re sad?)

Karl didn’t really like showing any emotion to you whenever he would be sad, he felt like he’d be bothering you with his problems. But after you explained to him that you just want to be there for him whenever he’s feeling down, he started warming up to you. Sometimes he would just crawl in bed with you hiding his face in your shoulder. You would play with his hair while he talked to you about what bothered him. He always feels so comforted and safe with you.

T=Together (What are they like when you’re together?)

Karl can be super hyper. Constantly wanting to do stuff like bake cookies or play minecraft with you. You’d obviously always be down to do these types of things with him. But he could also really find the joy in simple things like just watching a movie or getting his nails painted by you. Whenever you would have these types of moments, Karl just keeps cracking little jokes to make you laugh. He also would be telling you how much he loved you every 5 seconds. Just so you know.

U=Understanding (How understanding and empathetic are they?)

Sometimes Karl can have a little trouble trying to get into your mindset. But he does think it’s super important to know what you’re going through and do his best to help you. Whenever you’re dealing with anxiety or depression, he makes sure to ask you what he can do to help you and be there for you. He tries to do as much research as possible, trying to find the best way to help you.

V=Value (What do they value most about the relationship?)

Karl cherishes the relationship you have for so many reasons. One of the most important ones being that he can have fun with you. Both understanding each other’s type of humour, finding joy in the same types of things. He just loves that you know and understand exactly how his brain works, because it’s very similar to yours. 

W=Wedding (Would they want marriage? If so what would they like?)

Karl literally proposed to you 2 months into dating. He knows you’re the one. It’s very clear to him. But after discussing it you both decided that having a wedding would be way too stressful right now. It’s definitely not that you wouldn’t marry him, obviously you would, but you both know that breaking up just isn’t an option, so why go through all that trouble, just to get it on paper? You both agreed on this, but after all Karl just wants to see that ring on your finger, just so he knows you’re his forever.

X=X-Ray (How well can they read you?)

Earlier in your relationship, Karl would often have trouble reading you, he would be very hyper and touchy with you, and would just be completely oblivious to the fact that you where sad or tired or something. But as he got to know you better, he learned exactly how to tell when you’d be sad. He knew to get you some food, put on a tv show and play with your hair, without you having to tell him you weren’t feeling like going out or doing something extravagant.

Y=Yuck (What they would never want in a partner)

Karl would hate to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t in it for the same reason as he is. He doesn’t like to ‘date around’. He want’s someone who was a very similar vision of their future, so that’s why he’s so lucky he found you. The most reoccurring arguments you two have are about not agreeing on your future. He finds it very hard to compromise and doesn’t just ‘agree to disagree’. 

Zzz (How do they sleep around you?)

Karl just has to touch you in some way when he’s sleeping. Having his arms wrapped around you, having his legs intertwined with yours, resting his face in the crook between your head and shoulders, you name it. He also loves to hold hands whenever you two are sleeping. As i said, this man gets very icky about you leaving him when he’s sleeping. So, he just wants to know you’re there. All of the time.

[weirdo-with-a-nametag]

Brain is tv static with random frames interspersed

Think I'm like. Really stressed and jumping between topics to try and find something that helps / feels good

Topics:

Anyone know a good health tracking app for adhd people? I want one that like pops up when you open your phone, maybe? But is unobtrusive. Like maybe you just rate your mood or whatever when you open your phone, and it closes, and you go about your business. I just hate every app and paper method I've tried but really want to track some stuff

Pigeon. ? Pigeon as pet?

Service animals re: cats, pigeons, my cat specifically, and then also ESAs and also what to use as treats while training my cat (he's pretty happy to learn behaviors with praise and pets as reinforcement, but treats would make everything move much faster, but I haven't found something I want to give him so we've just been y'know. Chillin)

Service animals re: what tasks can my pet potentially do that would help me? I don't really know a lot about service animals and there is a Huge range. If anyone has suggestions, or places to read about it, I'd appreciate it! Mostly thinking they may help with anxiety, sensory, and mobility/fatigue related stuff. Not much of a need for medical alerts.

Bioactive enclosures for my snakes, need to research their biomes and make progress on designs and equipment specifications

Also. Hit a seriously hard patch and haven't been handling them much at all this month so that's not great

Casting stuff. Saw jewelry today made of metal casts of claws, skulls, etc, and they were really well done and made me want to do that

Some taxidermy / vulture culture stuff I won't get into right now

Puzzles????

How to organize my room

Need a shower

Need to organize bathroom

So Much Schoolwork

Uhhhhh trying, but not making much headway, to figure out how I want to do my music collection. Also really need to clean my records..

Make?

Food??? Ew.

Dental hygiene ://

Plampts. So many. Houseplants need maintenance, many need repotting. Keep taking in people's problem plants and like, they're doing better, largely, after being trimmed and watered and whatnot, but need repotting. Also need to trim some aquarium plants.

Also need to put water in tanks. And spray nepenthes.

Laundry.

Gotta pick up trash in my room. There's so much. Everywhere. Why.

Schoolwork. I'm so behind. So, so stuck. Kind of feel like I'm dying.

Going on a picnic tomorrow. Have to figure out what still needs doing for that, probably need to go to the store.

Leo needs water. I'm so....ugh, I'm trying so hard, but it feels impossible. I do my best to take good care of my pets, and I think they live pretty good lives most of the time, but sometimes I get like This and completely drop off the face of the earth and then like, wake up or whatever and two weeks have passed by and I have not cleaned a water bowl! That's a serious problem!!!! I do not know how to combat that, really, besides more reminders. Having someone around who is willing to like, help, when things are especially hard, would be great, but I don't live with my partner right now and do not feel like I can ask anyone here for that. But I can't put my animals at risk. I check on them every day, and if their bowls are dirty I do take them out and clean them, but sometimes (like now) i cannot get myself to do it without a pressure like a dirty bowl, or a feeding day. And like, it's really important that they have clean water. I'm talking to myself here but like, if anyone has advice. Please. With the tank redesigns and upgrades, the bowls will be more accessible, which will help because one of them is very heavy at the angle I have to pick it up, and another requires moving a lot of branches and is best to take out while the snake is out (this is Leo) which is fine because I love my boy, but adds time to the process, and makes it harder to start, you know? Maybe if I just got more bowls - I could take the bowl out and immediately replace it, fill the new one, and replace the decor and snake, and then clean the bowl as a separate task? That would be easier for my brain. Currently I have a Specific bowl I prefer to use for each tank, and then everything else is Just In Case, but I mean. Acquiring extras is something I want to do anyway, and it may help with several problems, so. Yeah. I'll try that. But also, any other ideas, guys?

Anxiety: can't stop picking at my face, skin, nails, cuticles, scalp, pretty much everywhere with callouses, also scratched a mole off my face, which is something I've been trying Not to do for a while, so that's...not great. Can't find my earmuffs, and also all of my headphones are painful? Ears are really sensitive lately.

Been playing a lot of Moth Game (flutter: starlight if you wanna be friends say hey I don't know how to do it but would enjoy talking about moths if nothing else. The game is just like, an idle ish collecting game with cutesy versions of different species, and very little actual information, but it's still fun, and if anyone else is on there and also Into Moths like I am, hiiiii) and like it's fun and cute but also greatly impacting my productivity, and raises my stress levels during events, which is most days, so the game has. Not been helping. But I can't stop because then I'll miss Exclusive Moths.

Anyway. Had baklava and two mugs of Thai tea today and the sugar has made me nauseous.

Trying to journal. Hurts to write. Also takes too long. Also my handwriting is very bad. But typing is..not as good

Want to draw. Thinking about drawing cats

Plants again! Want to make seed bombs, have seeds, have most of the other ingredients, just need to put em together, basically.

Really sad :(

Or am I?

Weird noise coming from dining room?

Birds. Spent half an hour at least on the deck tonight listening to a hundred different bird calls (literally) to identify one I was hearing, it was a pine siskin, which I checked early on but the recording was bad and I didn't realize which call was identified. Anyway, cool to put a name to a face, so to speak.

Need to practice for ASL

So much.....to do...

Only had like >3 hours of work this week which was not great because money, but also like I'm really feeling those 3 hours....

My cat is basically refusing to come into my room? Which is very strange and I'm worried something is Off but cannot figure out what. Also means less cuddles which means I'm sad.

It feels strange whenever people follow me, the attention is nice but I have no idea what content y'all are here for. So to everyone: hi, enjoy, hope my random personal posts aren't a surprise to anyone who followed for like. News reblogs and informational stuff.

Do I even have it in me to..be successful in school? Should I drop out of college? I'm struggling really hard and do not feel like I'm building on the skills I need to continue, so like. Uh.

My dad is being. Abrasive.

Mom and grandma are very angry lately

Housemate is also angry, about things i thought we were on good terms about, so I am stressed because like,, are we okay?

Can't find my eye mask :(

Yoga? Like...restorative yoga? Need to track down my PT stuff. And. Do it.

Need to put the stickers on my license plates....oops...

Still haven't found my antidepressants! Yay!

Do I want to store my stuff in open bins, or with lids? Which stuff needs spill protection and stacking capability and which stuff needs easy access?

How to earn money without..chaos

Gotta go to the pet store tomorrow. Have to compile my list of pet store items i need. Uhhhhhhhhhh

Also I have an essay due tomorrow that I've barely started. So. Wooooooo

Kt tape for supporting arches / inner ankles? I keep messing up my ankles, and part of it is walking wrong because I don't have the energy to engage the muscles in my feet/legs right to like, avoid injury, and part of it is I just need new shoes inserts. But i wear slippers a lot and they do not have arch support and it hurts. PT to help with this also but Where Is It

Family can't seem to get dish soap I can use, so I've just been having to avoid washing anything by hand, or being in the general kitchen area while anyone uses the stuff, which has led to more of my dishes sitting out, and more conflict over dishes. Lovely.

How hard is it for parents to learn they have to respect boundaries? Very hard, apparently. And you're supposed to just sort of remind people, and explain, over and over and over but like at this point my self worth is actually pretty good and the lifetime of proof that they do not want to listen? That's making me want to stop trying. Like, if you're not going to respect my boundaries I'm just not going to involve you in my life. I'm not talking to my dad right now because of this. Maybe I'll decide to lay things out to him, again and again and again again, maybe not. And I'm comfortable saying that's on him.

How to drink water

Am I dehydrated or are my hands just completely callous now. My fingertips have such hard skin. Why? It's uncomfortable. This is part of why I've been biting them.

Also testosterone. Been having a lot of trouble doing my shots, because anxiety and physical freakouts, but also not feeling super urgent about it. Which I'm realizing may be a sign i need to look at the effects so far and the possible effects of continuing, and see what they make me feel. It's possible I'm where I want to be as far as T, and don't really want to stay on it. A big thing for me is a deeper voice, so it seems time to take a look at whether I like my voice where it is or want to see if it'll drop any more. Etc etc

Miss my lil sisters

Saw a lot of cool rocks today. Huge (like hand sized) ammonite for $28. May go back and buy one because. Wow.

Want to plant food plants

Also my natives. Whole garden plot standing empty with a bunch of stuff waiting in nursery pots, needing to go in the ground. Because I can't get out of bed. Love that. Stuff is dying out there, I'm dying in here, there's a poetry to it and I do not want to romanticize suffering so I will say this: I brought a Bucket full of moss home a month ago and planted it and now go outside sometimes to drench my moss and it is very rewarding because the stuff is just so green. Incredible. When the rest of my plants are finally in the ground, that feeling will only intensify. But, for now, the moss is very nice.

Made a glow in the dark bead lizard from memory during therapy yesterday, and I love him. Also, still struggling with bringing up autism and psychosis topics with my therapist. Still very worried about. Things. Would like to get a new person? But sometimes she is helpful? And we have a routine. It's very hard to break the routine. Maybe I can set some time aside during the summer, to figure out what to do there.

Term ends in a couple weeks. The task of catching up, of passing, seems impossible. I really need to pass my courses. I'm on academic warning, because my GPA is lower than it should be, and if I can pass all of my classes this term I can get off academic warning but otherwise I'm not sure what will happen to my financial aid.

My phone is playing the same 50-100 songs on shuffle and I don't even particularly like most of them and it is very strange

Got my face wipes! Hooray, i can wash my face again

Been eating too much sugar in general. It's making my joints hurt more, and the nausea

Pet a dog the other day. I miss that. It would be really nice to have a dog in the house again. The exuberance, the cuddles, the tail wagging, the walks... I'd really like that. Maybe once I'm out in my room, tanks and catio built and everyone is situated, I'll look into getting a dog instead of a cat next. Was planning on holding off in case I'm not physically able to take them out on walks and such, but I've been pretty successful at doing this job, and I think that my main hurdle for walking really is motivation. Dog walking is a strong motivator for me. Best to start by fostering, or just do Wag, for a while though. I'm feeling overwhelmed with my current responsibilities, and here I am talking about getting a dog. Good job, me

How do you get wax off of somewhat water soluble rocks? My housemate broke my lava lamp on some of my rock collection and I am not sure how to get some of them clean without damage.

I am...pretty sure there are collared doves nesting over my room but it seems they're less common around here than I thought? But they are..pretty distinctive. Like if I'm wrong, what are those birds. Some very distinctly colored feral pigeons? Who are nesting here, in a tree, without their flock, and who happen to have pretty much the exact same pattern?

Probably should go to the dollar store and get some bins for organizing

Been wanting to keep a bin by the door and stock it with stim/fidget stuff people can just .have ..like extras of some of my favorites and other things i can get ahold of, to offer to my friends who haven't really had the chance to explore the world of stim toys

Hands are really just not doing great the last several weeks. Arthritis type pain cropping up more and more in all the little joints, making it hurt more to write, type, or just use them for whatever. Coordination isn't great because of that distraction, and because my hands/arms are slow to respond and kinda weak. Most people would say I'm not using them enough but I've been doing 15ish hours of manual labor per week, so maybe it's the other direction? More water would help. If only it wasn't so heavy.

I haven't taken a single shower since I started my job. Which was March 29th. That's not great.

Practiced parallel parking today. 10/10 still very bad at it.

Having anxiety that my friends think I'm lying about things, faking, and are watching me to see if I'll slip up. So that sucks. Can either talk about that directly or indirectly, or just shut up about those things until I can get my brain under control again. I'm not sure right now if the reassurance would work as a reality check or make me believe it more, right now, so might hold off on the talking bit for a little while.

Saw, smelled, picked a couple pretty roses. Good times

At this point I'm just trying to list all my thoughts so that maybe I'll be able to sleep and not worry I'll forget

My mom has put her spider plant on the deck, and it has maybe five living leaves. I have no idea how she killed such a well established spider plant, the last time I saw it it was so happy. Did she stick it in a corner and forget to water it? Whatever happened, it is now in the Plant ER, so hopefully I'll be able to...help get it on the up and up again

Leo is such a pretty noodle. He's so pretty. He's posing. Hi, baby boy.

Oh, he saw me moving around and decided to come say hi. Sorry little man, i did not mean to disturb you. Please resume lounging. I can't bring you out right now, I'm trying to sleep.

Also, terrariums. Water features. Need to ask. Someone. The one who was making that super cool garter snake enclosure and blogging the progress? With the lazy river and pool? About maintenance on that kind of setup. My milk snake really enjoys water, and I'd love to put a water feature in his tank. But I'm unclear on how to keep it clean, or honestly where to start. Don't want any huge falls or anything, though it actually may not make the humidity too high if I did maybe a small drip wall into the pool? That seems like something he would enjoy, and a good way to support different types of plants. But like, that's the thing, it's bioactive and I haven't done that before and no amount of research is ever enough.

Oh, Shogun has a dirt hat. How cute. I love when they do that

See, this is the thing. My snakes make me so happy. All three of them are actually hanging out where I can see them from my bed right now, and it's really nice. I want their lives to be the best possible, and I think I have the resources to do that. Which is so exciting. Now if only my brain and body would cooperate. It would hurt quite a lot to have to re-home any of them, but the most important thing is their health and quality of life, you know? If I can't get my act together somewhat, it may be that one or all of them would be better off with another keeper. I don't know. It's just, i talk about all these tank ideas and all this husbandry standards stuff but how much of it actually gets applied to my own animals whose lives are in my hands? How well am I caring for them, really?

Oh!!! My red thread! I thought that was gone forever.

Anyway, please do not worry. My snakes are healthy. I pay attention, and watch for signs of illness, and they're okay. There will always be places to improve, and the water is a big one, but most of the time i change their water out frequently, I'm just worried because of bad depression and fatigue times, you know? I'm working on making the most self sustaining systems i can, in part so that I am sure they'll be okay if I mess up sometimes. Just saying this because I hope you guys don't feel like you need to worry about the welfare of my pets. They're okay, i just always want better for them, is all.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I should probably go to sleep. So uh, thanks for reading, if you read all of this randomness, and if anyone has thoughts or advice on anything in this post, i would welcome it! Good night!

[simkjrs]

fic: see you in the dark

chapter i: a troublePSIme development

saiki kusuo no psi nan x worm web serial | saiki kusuo & taylor hebert | 3k

----

Psychic power. For instance… hearing other people’s thoughts, or seeing what’s on the other side of a wall, or even manipulating objects through power of will alone. A power to do what normal people can’t. That’s what I have. 

My name is Saiki Kusuo, and I am an esper. 

Q: Are you a chuunibyou?

A: No. 

I’ve lived with this power my whole life. Some of you might be thinking, “How lucky! With that kind of power, you could do anything you want!” Wrong! Do you know how annoying it is to always be hearing people’s thoughts, or constantly seeing through skin and muscle until everyone simply looks like walking sacks of bones? Not to mention each power comes with its own downsides too. Read the manga if you want to learn more. In any case, having psychic power has done nothing but inconvenience me since the moment of my birth, and is barely any help in my pursuit of my dream to live a completely ordinary life. 

That said, thanks to my psychic powers, nothing bad has ever really happened to me, so I don’t really have anything to complain about. 

Well, there is one thing. 

“Saiki. How did your part of the project go last night?” 

As I haven’t brainwashed the people of this world into ignoring me speaking directly to their minds with telepathy, I can only respond through physical gesture or by speaking with my actual voice. I don’t particularly care to do the latter, so I simply nod in greeting. 

Here, Hebert. Take this packet of papers with all my work so you can look over it and calm down your paranoia about me ruining your grades, and so I don’t have to speak. 

As you may have guessed, the one speaking to me is named Hebert. Taylor Hebert, to be exact. Since this is a story and not a manga or anime, I’ll describe her for you. She’s tall for her age, thin, and has long, curly black hair. As for her facial features… She probably has a wide mouth, but I wouldn’t know, since my X-ray vision is always on and looking at anyone for longer than a second means I start seeing through their skin down to their muscle and bone. Thanks to that I’ve never bothered to memorize people’s faces very closely. I can identify them by their thoughts anyways. 

So why are you complaining about Hebert? you might be asking. Is she a bad school partner? Does she smell bad? Does she have a romantic inclination for you that you can’t maneuver your way out of no matter how hard you try, like a certain blue-haired perfect pretty girl loved by God? 

None of the above. There’s nothing wrong with Hebert herself. She’s capable, diligent, and introverted, which suits a shy and withdrawn student like me. No, the problem is the trouble that she comes with. 

Here they come, right on cue. Hess has walked by and bumped Hebert just a little too hard, almost jostling the papers out of her hands. None of that, now. I’ll help Hebert keep ahold of them with a little telekinesis. I worked hard on those papers, you know. No knocking them down. 

“Oops, sorry, we didn’t see you there, Taylor,” says Barnes sweetly. “I guess we just didn’t notice you, what with how plain and ugly your clothes are…” 

And there they go, starting up with one insult after another. They’re not even very good insults. Well, carry on a bullying campaign for a year and a half and you’ll eventually run out of material, I suppose. It’s still quite annoying to hear themselves congratulating themselves for a job well done with each insult, though. Like this, with Barnes…  

<Hehe. The look on her face. She’s totally self conscious about how she looks, now. I wonder if she’ll go cry in the bathroom later?> 

That’s not something you should be proud of, you know. The level of self-congratulation sure is amazing. Actually, what’s more amazing is how shamelessly they bully Hebert right in front of others. I’m right here, you know? Not that I want them to notice me, but it’s the principle of the matter. 

I shift in my seat slightly, which successfully draws their attention away from Taylor for a moment. 

“Oh, sorry, Saiki,” Barnes says. “Were we interrupting a moment between you two?” Yes, our homework consultation time. “Nah, who am I kidding? No one would ever get together with flat-chest over here.” What’s the big deal about the size of someone’s chest? One mass of fat and muscle is basically the same as another; if there’s a little more or less, who cares. “You’re still working with her on this project? You can do way better than her.” 

Is that so? Certainly I could find a partner with better grades if I wanted, but I don’t want good grades. I want ones that are completely ordinarily average. Standing out is the opposite of what I want to do… although, being partnered with Hebert, I’ve already failed step one. What a pain. 

“Yeah,” says Clements. “Haven’t you heard how bad her grades are? She never turns in anything on time…” That’s because you steal her things. “And she cheats…” That’s because you frame her after you copy her work. “And when she does turn in original work, the quality is so bad, she might as well drop out and join the Merchants!” That’s because she has to redo her work after you destroy it. Who has the time to redo everything perfectly a second time. 

The bullies all seem to think this is very clever though, laughing at Hebert. It’s actually quite incredible that anyone could be this cliche. 

Hebert has lowered her head. … It’s only natural to be worn down after months of this treatment, I suppose. 

<Damn it. Why did they have to do this in front of Saiki? Now I’ll lose another partner, too. Can’t I have just one class without having to worry about them?> 

It doesn’t really make a difference if they do it here or in another classroom, Hebert. I can still hear it with my telepathy. This bullying case is even worse than Akechi’s. At least Akechi had acquaintances who would help him in the aftermath. But no one steps up to help Hebert. 

“Hey, it’s rude to ignore people when they’re talking to you,” says Barnes. 

Ah, that’s right, they’re waiting for a response from me. Why did you have to drag me into this, seriously. 

“Well?” says Barnes, putting a hand on her hip. “What do you think?” 

Now that it’s come to this, I have no choice but to respond. 

What should I do? Talk to her? I’d rather not make my first spoken words in this story to someone like her. 

Ignore her? 

<This guy is ticking me off. If he keeps ignoring me, I’ll have to explain to him properly how it works around here…> 

That’s just trouble. How annoying. 

With those two options off the table, you’ve left me no choice but to show you the power of an esper, Barnes. You brought this on yourself. 

“Hey, she’s talking to you,” Hess says menacingly, stepping up to me and grabbing me by the collar of my shirt. “Or do you want to end up on the shit list like Hebert, here?” 

I narrow my eyes. I see. So you want to pick a fight with me? 

Then you better be prepared for the consequences. 

Hess flinches for a second, before gripping my shirt harder. “What’s with that look?” she says lowly. <What was that?! Usually he just sits there passively with a blank expression. He doesn’t respond to anything. He’s totally prey! He’s basically air! But for a second there, I could have sworn…> 

“Don’t bother with him,” Clements says disdainfully. “I mean, if he doesn’t want to talk, he’s pretty much declared where he stands, right?” She smiles. Next to her, Barnes holds the papers I worked so hard on last night. She makes direct eye contact with me as she rips it into shreds. I have the feeling I’m supposed to be hurt by this action somehow, but this level of harassment is so petty it’s just sad. 

<That’ll show you not to mess with me. So hurry up and change your expression already…Hm?> 

She follows my gaze to the doorway behind her. 

There stands Mr. Prescott, looking at the shredded paper on the desk. That’s right. Behold the revenge of an esper. 

“Miss Barnes,” says Mr. Prescott, “Care to explain?” 

<Damn it, it’s Shadow Stalker and her friends. I can’t turn a blind eye to this, but if I’m too hard on her, we could lose the PRT funding…> 

“Oh, Mr. Prescott!” Barnes says sweetly. “We were just messing around between friends. Sorry, it looks a little compromising, huh?” 

Mr. Prescott’s gaze travels to where Hess is still holding my shirt. Hess lets go quickly and straightens up. 

“Yes,” Mr. Prescott says slowly. “Well. There’s nothing wrong with having fun with your friends. But be sure not to disrupt class. Everyone be seated, then. The bell is about to ring.” 

“Sure thing, Mr. Prescott,” Clements says, and the bullies disperse away from my desk. 

<At least they gave me an excuse not to do anything, but honestly, if you’re going to do anything, make sure I won’t see it…> Mr. Prescott, you sure do love that PRT funding, huh. What is with this school. So irresponsible. 

<What bad luck. Usually the teacher doesn’t get here for a couple minutes more,> Emma thinks. <What was that timing?> 

That would be my doing. Using my telepathy, I nudged Mr. Prescott into deciding to walk over a few minutes earlier than usual. Of course, now he’s thinking about how he’s strictly not entering the classroom until after the bell has rung because he wants to avoid seeing trouble like that again, so it seems it was a one-time use trick, but it’s enough to make everyone back off for now. 

<That Saiki, he didn’t even flinch. It’s like he knew Mr. Prescott was coming.> There goes Hess speculating about me again. <Or it could just be his face. He always looks like he just smelt something foul. I don’t think I’ve seen him change expression once. Or heard him talk, for that matter.> A pause. <Wait, is he mute?> 

She feels a moment of shame. That’s right. You should feel bad. 

<…Typical. How weak. He’s got to be prey after all.> 

Wow. What a character. 

Hess, for someone who likes to call herself a predator, you’ve sure got bad instincts. 

“I’m sorry, Saiki,” Hebert says to me as Mr. Prescott sets up the projector. “It’s my fault your work got ruined.” 

<Why’d he have to catch their attention like that, anyways? If he’d just kept his head low, maybe I could’ve gotten through this class’s project...> 

Your resentment is saying something totally different. I don’t hold it against her, though, since anyone would gather up resentment after being bullied for so long. It’s only natural to lash out against someone you can actually have an impact on instead of the people whose fault it actually is. At least she’s only doing it in her mind. 

<No, what am I thinking? It’s the Trio’s fault. It’s just so frustrating. They’ve already ruined my notebooks this morning.> … It’s a tough life. I’m surprised at how reasonable Hebert is being even in the confines of her own mind, though. It’s okay to sling mud at me a little longer. I can take it. I’ve heard thoughts like that my whole life. Although, thanks for not blaming me for too long, I suppose. It would have been annoying to work with you while constantly hearing how upset you are with me. <And now Saiki’s going to stop working with me, because he won’t want to be dragged into this. I’m alone again.>

Hahhh, seriously, what a pain. I haven’t even responded yet, you know? 

I shrug at Hebert, and then I reach into my bag for a spare sheaf of papers. With a bit of thoughtography, I copy the research I did last night onto the papers and pull them out. 

Hebert’s eyes widen when I put it in front of her. “You brought a second copy.” The amount of relief she feels is a bit depressing. The suspicion that immediately follows, even more so. “Why?” 

I slide my eyes to look at Barnes across the room, curl my lips into a slight sneer, and then turn my eyes back to the front, going back to my usual blank expression. 

<Emma? Wait, so he made preparations in case the Trio did anything?> Sure, let’s go with that. <Then… Well. Of course he’s noticed the bullying by now. But if he knew what was going on, why didn’t he do anything earlier? Why now?> 

Sorry, Hebert. I’m not really a nice person. I don’t take action unless it directly affects me. You’ve gotten quite the selfish partner. 

<But at the same time… I guess if I was in his position, I wouldn’t be able to do anything about them, either. He’s only just transferred into the school, and I don’t think he has any friends.> Don’t say that with such a pitying tone. I don’t want any friends here. <How would he even stand up to the Trio’s social circle? But he still stuck with me as a partner even though he knew. He made backup copies so we’d still be able to complete the project…> 

Hebert lowers her head at her desk. 

<And for a second there, I thought he really was going to fight Hess, too.> She noticed too, huh. Well, hopefully she’ll write it off as easily as they did. <That basically makes him the only person here to show me any kind of support, doesn’t it?> Just my luck. Of course she didn’t. <Maybe if someone like him had arrived here just a few months earlier, the locker incident wouldn’t have...>

Hebert, your life is seriously depressing. I haven’t done anything for you. It’s just a copy of my work, stop reading so much into it. 

<He didn’t have to go that far for me.> 

Seriously, it wasn’t for you. They were just getting me involved. It annoys me when someone thinks they can get the better of me. 

“…Thanks.” 

I said it wasn’t for you. 

Whatever. I give her a curt nod and then go back to ignoring her. This is an important class to pay attention to, after all. 

“Good morning, class. Welcome back to our Parahuman Studies unit. As a reminder, your research project is due this Friday…” 

<I wonder why an upperclassman like Saiki is taking this class, though. Is he taking it for easy units, maybe?> 

Hebert, I’m trying to concentrate here. 

<Well, it is an elective class, so maybe he’s just interested in the topic. The research he did looked really thorough and well-cited, too. I wonder how knowledgeable he is? Maybe I’ll ask after class.> Please don’t. I’m a sensitive soul. If too many people try to engage me in social interaction in one day I’ll wither away and die. <Who knows, maybe he even knows something that could help me with my debut.> 

Oh boy.

<Yeah. I can’t put off debuting any longer. I’ve had these powers for long enough, it’s time I stop delaying and start doing something meaningful.> 

This is the other troublesome thing with Hebert. 

What? you might be saying. Isn’t it cool that she has powers? Look you can be friends, and you’re not alone anymore. 

First of all, I’m not interested in being anyone’s friend. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. But no, the real problem is that she’s not like me at all. 

<Shard:Queen_Administrator:<PROCESS_INPUT>>

There’s a parasitic alien shard attached to her brain, and it’s the thing that gives her powers. On top of that, she controls bugs. 

It’s not that I’m afraid of bugs. They’re not particularly disgusting, either. Not much more than seeing people’s muscular structure every day, anyways. What really bothers me about them is that they’re so small I can’t read their minds or predict them. Birds, mammals, even fish? Sure. Bugs, though? Nothing. It’s way too creepy. 

I nearly refused to be her partner when I realized what she could do, but it turns out that by listening to this “Queen Administrator” shard, I can predict what nearby bugs are going to do and when. So it’s better to be next to her than not… even though it comes with the downside of knowing where every single bug in a two block radius is. 

And there are so. Many. Bugs. Just my luck. I’ll never be able to relax again. 

I’m getting sidetracked. The point is: I’m different from her. I’m different from every parahuman on this Earth, in fact. Of all the superpowered people on this planet, there is still not a single one like me. 

I’m sure that you, as a savvy reader, have noticed my phrasing by now. This Earth? you may be asking. Yes. This Earth, as one among many. This dimension is a different dimension from my own. 

That’s the biggest thing to complain about, really. I’ve accidentally hopped dimensions, and I don’t have a clue how to get back home. 

—— 

How did I get here? you might ask. Well, it’s a simple answer, really. For all of you manga readers, you may recall that in chapter 206 my limiter device malfunctioned and resulted in me acquiring a wide variety of inconvenient and useless powers. One of those powers? Dimension hopping. 

But that’s not useless at all! you might be crying. Imagine the possibilities! The riches you could acquire! The fame you could accrue! The technological development you could facilitate! 

With my powers I could make money in hundreds of different ways, easily. I don’t need dimension hopping for that. And why would I get myself money anyways, when I can just acquire what I want directly with my powers? 

That’s why I don’t bother with riches, and fame is just annoying because of all the attention. And I wouldn’t want to help facilitate technological development. That would require me to reveal my abilities in some capacity, and you should have realized by now that I would much prefer my privacy. 

In any case, I accidentally dimension hopped here. I managed to use one of the other “useless powers” to fix my limiter device so my psychic powers worked properly again, but now I can’t figure out how to get home. I don’t know how to break my limiter in the right way to get the dimension hopping power back, and I don’t want to risk it either, since my powers without the limiter device are uncontrollably strong and I might end up irrevocably changing this world if I’m not careful. 

Oh well. Kuusuke will probably find where I’ve ended up, eventually. The best thing to do is stay in one place until then. 

——

After a long and harrowing day at school blending into the background, I’ve finally arrived home. 

“Home.” In reality, it’s just an abandoned house that I fixed up with my psychic powers. No one knows I’m here. Well, that’s fine with me, though. 

Finishing all my homework is easy, so I take care of that first. Then I read some books. Then it’s around dinnertime. That’s a simple matter of taking some plants I gathered and deer meat I hunted from a forest on the other continent the other day, and stored in my “refrigerator” of ice I made from my cryokinesis. Then cook everything with pyrokinesis in an iron pot I bought with some money I got from cheating the lottery with my clairvoyance and X-ray powers. 

It’s quiet without my noisy and troublesome family around… Well, I’m always complaining about them, so I don’t have the right to complain about not having them here. 

There’s really not much to do. Maybe I should get myself a computer so I can go look around that PHO forum that Hebert is always thinking about. 

Speaking of Hebert, didn’t she say she was going to debut tonight? I guess I’ll check in on her. It would be annoying if my project partner got herself killed on her first night out, after all. Let’s see… 

Crossing my eyes, I activate my clairvoyance. Where is she… Aha, there. 

“--shoot the kids.”

<What? He’s going to murder children?! I know that’s Lung I’m going up against, but I can’t just sit here and do nothing…!> 

<Shard:Queen_Administrator:<COMMAND>>

Wait wait wait. Lung? As in the leader of that one gang, the parahuman who no one wants to take on? 

Good grief. Hebert, you sure have a talent for getting into trouble. I’m trying to keep this story strictly comedy, or failing that, at least something that’s not dark. You just had to go and change the genre, didn’t you. What am I supposed to do here? 

So much for a quiet, peaceful night.

[justagirlwithastorytotell]

You are stronger than you think

This year started off as the best year ever… kind of. I spent the week before and during the holidays with the man I love, watching him interact with my family and enjoying being in the same space. After a few days in his city, I was thinking that I could do this every day and be with him here. A week of cuddles and laughs and great sex wasn’t enough but we made the best use of the time that we had.

My boyfriend lives on the East Coast with this family and I live in the South near my family. We met at a work conference and a few years later worked out the details and started down this crazy LDR path. We committed to meet as often as possible and to make it work. Love.

I left him on the East Coast and came back to the South to my dog dying. I’m grateful that it happened how it happened but I’m remorseful that I didn’t do more for her. I’ll always love her.

Back to life as usual as we knew it. I was so wrapped up at work the week I got back that I didn’t notice I was missing something. My period! Funny because the day after it was late he casually asked about it, which he’s never done before. We never even talk about my period. Like never. It’s crazy how spiritually connected people can be.

Makes me think back to my ovulation day the last time we were together. I texted my best friend and said oops that same day. I know we should’ve had sex but he pulled out. I wasn’t going to miss out on these limited opportunities to have the ultimate connection with my man. I love sex with him.

He told me don’t worry that it was late it was probably just stress. I made a commitment to take a test if it wasn’t there by the end of the week. Secretly, I already knew the deal. My breasts were sore and the usual pre-period symptoms never came. I bought the test three days before I committed to taking it. It watched me every day.

I woke up Sunday morning scared, nervous, etc. I took the test as planned. Just as I expected. Got back in bed for the rest the day and cried. I sent a picture to my best friend but avoiding her calls all day. He was in church all day so it give me a reason to be distant for the day. My mind was everywhere. How would this affect me. How would this affect him. What would it mean for us? Before we had sex for the first time we talked about what we would do if, so I already knew what he wanted. How could I be so careless and caught in the moment to throw it all away.

It took me three days to tell him. Over a text message. Not how I wanted to tell him. The next day we talked about it briefly and then it all started. :)  He wanted to know what I ate, if I slept well and what I did. He fussed at me for not taking care of the baby. He called just to check on “us.” He’s such a good man.

Morning sickness is for the birds! Every day my breast got more sore and seemingly bigger.

We talked about our future. He wanted to keep it. We talked about making it work and being a family. He’s not crazy about the idea of abortion. I’m just scared. I missed my first actual appointment to confirm, but it’s all part of a plan. I rescheduled with an amazing supportive relatable Doctor. I cried and cried and asked her to double check the results. Both times positive. She gave me a follow up appointment and also referred me to an abortion clinic. This is real.

He arrived to town a few days later. He immediately touched my stomach as soon as he got in the car. My man and my baby. Our family. I can see this.

We cuddled all night and had the best sex in the morning. Literally. The best sex ever. We partied and enjoyed each other. As always, another wonderful weekend over to soon. We talked a lot. The pros and the cons. He’s not for the abortion but he’s supportive.

Back to life as usual while we figure this out. The next thing I know I’m called into HR and fired on the spot. I hold it together until I get to my car and break down. This is too much. Demoted and then fired. The car accident. The store. The Dog. Pregnancy. It’s just too much. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Looking back I realize that I am directly at fault by not speaking up for all of the most recent things in my life and vow to not make those same mistakes twice.

We fuss  more frequently now. He’s very distant about the pregnancy. He engages, but he is short. He’s no longer calling to check on “us” like he had before.

I set the consultation appointment at the clinic. 9 am on February 6. I arrived to be greeted by Pro-Life supporters. Shuffled into a room with no electronics, no sounds or tv and all the other girls lost in their own minds. I pay the receptionist and pee in the cup and wait. And wait. I moved to another room and wait more. Finally the tech calls me to the back. She tells me to fill out the paperwork and get undressed. I expect her to leave while I undress and expected something to cover myself. She was anxiously waiting and provided none of the “comforts” that I expected. Minimal instructions and conversation and she shoves the cold ultra sound wand into my vagina. I look at the screen and see it and listen for a heartbeat. I’m am relieved that it is too small to hear a heartbeat. As I redress I asked for a different doctor because I realize who the doctor is. The tech said he’s the only one. Well. No choice. Blood work and then onto the doctor’s consultation. The doctor was halfway through his rehearsed lines by the time he looked up. Awkward. He and I use to hang out years ago. It was actually comforting to see a familiar face. Even given the circumstances. We talked, he explain the options and answered questions. On the way out, the receptionist gave me the price and the information for the day of. I broke down in the car again. Alone. We committed early on to not tell too many people and not telling our families. That commitment left me with no one to talk to. My man wasn’t around. No one to understand my feelings that I barely understood myself. Pregnant and unemployed facing an expensive procedure.

He seemed annoyed when I want to talk about certain aspects. He says “we already talked about it.” He’s short when it comes to it. I have not 100% made up my mind. He asks about the appointment and the picture. I never show him the ultrasound because I didn’t wanna make him sad and tried to shelter him from the process.

The only thing I knew for sure is that I was pregnant and although I felt alone, as grumpy as he seems, my man was by my side. I feel like I’ve been picking at him. He’s on my nerves and my nerves are getting to me. I try to lay off, we are fussing more. I need more attention and he is needing more alone time to process it all.

The procedure is set for 9 AM on February 17. He comes in town late the night before. He doesn’t touch my stomach when he gets in the car. He’s quiet. When we get home he asked to see the ultrasound and asked a few questions and just sat quietly. I have a bad cold so we have to keep some distance, we barely even sleep close together. We talk the morning more of. I try to have sex to ease my nerves, it doesn’t work, he’s not into it.

My friend picks us up to go to the appointment. He makes one final plea “we don’t have to do this, we can make it work.” Honestly, I know he didn’t want this and I’m not sure I did either. I think and think, he’d be a great father. I’d figured out the mother thing. Our families will help. But we are so far apart and I want to share pregnancy and parenting with my partner. We arrive at the clinic. I’m so scared, both the physical fear of the procedure and emotional fear of what this means for us is overwhelming.

Again, they herd us from room to room. I analyze everyone there. All different ages and races and demographics. Some people have been there for a procedure before. I wonder where all of the men are. The paperwork only ask the father’s age and state. No specifics incase there are none. I couldn’t imagine truly being alone in this all.

Pills and needles to prep for the procedure. I’m half awake and half asleep. The tv in this waiting room is showing a murder series similar to Law & Order. It seems like forever before they call my number to the pre-op room. Paperwork and shots. Enter the procedure room which looks like a regular doctor’s office and kind of like a science classroom. The doctor and two nurses walk in and give a brief explanation. She inserts a shot into my cervix that burns. I hear the suction machine turn on. Everything is blurry from my tears. I feel the doctor stretch open my vagina so she can empty out uterus. I’ve never felt this kind of pain coming from some many different places. I have lost my voice due to my cold so I silently crying out in pain and try to close my legs. The nurses hold them open. I can feel everything. I’m trying to count down with the doctor to know avail. I remember her yelling you have to slow your breathing. All I could think about was his disappointment with me.

Finally it was over, I laid on the table crying from shame and pain. They make me get up even though I could barely move. I walk to the recovery room where myself and another girl are painfully out of it. Less than 10 minutes after the procedure they make me get up and walk to the bathroom to pee and get dressed. It’s all over. They signed me out and returned my phone. I call him to come. He’s on his way. He’s not here yet. I call him again. He seems annoyed. I get in the car and try to act normal. He asked if I’m OK. I lied. He sits on the other side of the car. We get home and I fall sleep on the couch. I wake up and he’s across the room, quiet. We go out later for food and pads. I guess I shouldn’t be embarrassed about that kind of stuff. I turn in early.

We woke the morning after to his phone ringing. He spends an hour and a half talking about work. I wanted him to talk to me. I try to be understanding that he’s trying to take his mind off of it. I want to know how he feels. Are they going to talk to me? Finally he opens up. He says “I feel like I killed my kid.” I immediately break down and I try to justify and express comfort. Minimally heated conversation and we get up to start our day. We grab lunch and then he has to work to do. We are apart most of the day and I just want to be together. We catch up for dinner and enjoy our final hours together. He leaves so early the next morning. He was wearing a very nice suit. He was cute.

I love him and I know that he loves me but this was hard. I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted to let my emotions out and cry with him. Barely 48 hours together for us to healing isn’t enough. I cry the whole way home from the airport like I normally do, except I have to pullover a few times to get it together this time.

Fussing is at an all-time high with us. Every week and something else. I’m dealing with this by needing attention and interaction and support. He deals with it by retreating within himself and wanting alone time. This is not a good dynamic for the situation. Anxiety peaks. This pretend not pretend undiagnosed depression anxiety attacks me. I didn’t think I was fit to raise a kid. That was a huge part of my decision. I could barely take care of my dog.

I continue to prep to move to be closer to him. It takes my mind off of things. We talk about it. I prep my family and friends. I’m in love with the idea of really starting a future with this man. Then it hits me. Mid conversation he says, “before you were the mother of my child, now you’re just my girlfriend.” I’m shocked and hurt. I feel as though I am forever spiritually connected with this man. We created a child in love and although we elected to go an alternate route based on the circumstances, we created something beautiful together. He apologized and clarified but it still stuck with me and stings so deeply.

We continues to plan our future despite the short term hiccups. We are excited for our plans. We’re fussing again, we knew it was going to be tough but damn.

The follow up appointment comes. I walk past the same protestors. I find enough confidence to yell “I’m back bitches” which made everyone else laugh. This is really over. I walk into the same room where the procedure was. I immediately flashback to my experience the time before. I hesitate before I am able to climb back onto the same bed. The ultrasound confirmed that my uterus was empty. This is really over. But was it really over? I think about the what ifs everyday. What if it ruined our relationship. What if I would’ve been more careful. What if we would’ve kept it.

Another stinger, “you already didn’t want to have my child.” These really are painful to me. I propose we take some time off to breath. We talked through it and move on. It’s probably just the distance, the situation, the COVID quarantine. That’s what has us short fused. The plus to quarantine is more interaction. More communication and also more time to think and reflect. I realize how upset I am and how insecure I’ve become. Sometimes valid insecurities and some not so valid. I put on weight. My hips got wider. My small breast got smaller. I think back to him not wanting to have sex the last time he was here. I think back to our conversations become a chore. All these insecurities weigh on me and in turn on our relationship. We commit to dates and things to make our LDR more exciting. We talk about anniversaries. I think about us being together. Living together, eventually. I decide that will get engaged eventually get married on September 16, our kids birthday, as a special memory for us.

These large scale arguments are coming more frequently. We end up in a heated text argument at five in the morning. He reveals that he felt rejected. I never thought of that. I immediately tried to reassure him that that’s not the case. I never tell him I planned our family out time and time again and I enjoy being partners and I’d eventually enjoy being parents with him. We make up, minor fussing.

I finally move the ultrasound from the same spot it was when he put it down that night. He was the last one to look at our child’s picture. It’s forever a part of me and I make a mental note that I want to find a special way to remember it.

After reflecting on his feeling of rejection, I realize his hurt and my hurt were similar but unique and there was not one way for us to cope together. Yet I had been upset with him for not coping how I wanted him to cope.

For the first time in months I saw the signs of a distant period. It was like the first time all over again. I didn’t know what to expect, what products to use, my hormones were crazy and it was a reminder of my journey over the the last three months. Quarantine gave me all the time to think. I tried washing TV to keep my crazy hormonal mind occupied but all the families and babies made it worse. I was grateful that I was not pregnant during this confusion, scared and alone alone. But also scared of the future and not seeing him soon or again. Not knowing when this would end.

After more words and heated text messages, we realized we weren’t happy with the current situation and maybe better apart. We ignored each other for days. I called him because I missed his voice. It was also the first day of what would’ve been our second trimester. The day when morning sickness would end and the dangers of the first trimester would pass and we could make the announcement to everyone. Coincidently, such a joyous occasion was spent in a cold conversation about if and when and where and why this relationship could or should maybe would resume or continue or end or evolve.

Abortion is tough. It’s a lot to deal with every day forever. My biggest fear was losing my identity along with my freedom and my man. All I wanted was to be crazy in love, young wild love, excited for adventures and growing into a lasting relationship. I never signed up for the most emotionally taxing experience of my life.

Abortion is tough. If I knew then what I knew now would I have had one? Would I have kept it? Who knows. There is no one answer that fits for everyone. It’s not easy in any capacity, in any aspect in any way shape or form. I’m 100% sure I would’ve been more careful. I would have reached out for emotional support way sooner and realized that this wasn’t something that I could endure in silence. And I 200% would’ve love my man that much more for standing beside me picking me up and supporting me through a situation that neither of us knew the ramifications of.

Abortion is tough. Remember you are not alone. It is a badge of honor to take charge of your future. It is not a cloak of shame.

[nekoabi]

On the Verge of a Heartbreak - Chapter 30

Now I’m really not sorry.

AU: School, Human Pairings: Moxiety, OC/OC Words: 3231 Warnings: Swearing, shouting. Anything else, please let me know!

Summary: The group is told about Virgil’s situation and agree to the couple’s plan. They put in the extra effort to make it memorable. Well, it will certainly be a day they’ll never forget...

Patton knew that Virgil had a free period before lunch the next day and so made an effort to be the first out of his class in order to meet up with his boyfriend. He almost ran through the halls in order to grab his stuff before heading to their little hiding spot for lunch. When he rounded the corner, Patton immediately sat down in order to catch his breath. He went to smile at his boyfriend and catch his eyes but found that he was met with the side of Virgil’s face as he was curled up into himself.

With a soft smile, Patton lightly wrapped his arms around Virgil, causing the other boy to lean into his body, “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. I promise.” Patton whispered soothingly, rocking back and forth gently in order to comfort his anxious boyfriend.

Their friends slowly piled into the small space as the lunch period really began. They all did their best not to ask about what the couple wanted to talk with them about until all of them were gathered. All bets were off when Thomas finally appeared and took his seat.

“So, what the hell do you guys want? I was having a heart attack last night, worried fucking sick about you guys!” Ana said dramatically, throwing their hands all over the place.

Em grabbed their hands and held them in her lap, trying to stop her partner from causing any damage to anyone, “They really were. I don’t think we’ve fallen asleep while being on the phone since we first started dating until last night, we just wanted to make sure you two were okay. The message sounded really urgent…”

Patton could feel Virgil tensing in his arms. This was possibly his worst nightmare, knowing he influenced and panicked his close friends so much that they did something that was out of the ordinary. Before Patton could even attempt to say anything, Em started giggling and leaned against Ana.

“It was really nice though, so I think we should thank you guys.”

Virgil immediately flicked his head up to look between Em and Ana and Patton, as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. Patton smiled wide and pressed a kiss to Virgil’s forehead when he next looked to him, causing the emo to blush and duck his head.

Patton asked them all to wait just a couple minutes longer because he didn’t want to have to talk about it twice with people. Just as everyone was begrudgingly agreeing, his phone began buzzing away in his pocket. He managed to wriggle it out and picked up the call as soon as he could.

“HI!” came Abigal’s loud voice ringing through the small speaker. Patton and Virgil both flinched as they were the ones closest to the sound, their ears beginning to ring a little. “Oh, oops, sorry…” The laughter of the other two that were present on the other end told Patton that everyone was finally able to hear him and so he launched into the explanation.

He talked about what Virgil’s parents had said about Logan and Roman’s university experiences, how that was negatively affecting everyone, how Virgil’s parents had decided the best thing was for them to move. Patton found that he had to pause his rambles as everyone had extreme reactions and opinions to the news, all of them clearly being upset that one of their friends was going to be taken far away from them.

With a little help from Em who was sat across from them and Asher on the other end of the phone, Patton was able to calm everyone down enough that he could begin to explain the idea that he and Virgil had brainstormed the night before. He told them the date that Virgil was leaving and that they wanted this to involve as many of them as possible.

On the other end of the phone, Asher mentioned how they would be back in town next week, while Abigal and Reggie realised they were only coming back a couple of days before Virgil was leaving. That narrowed down the timeframe they had significantly. Thankfully, everyone else was available the day before Virgil’s move, which was also perfect as it could be their send off at the same time.

“So, we’re going to be having it happen in this little park near our houses. It’s really nice and it’s away from everyone else, it’s almost always empty.” Patton mentioned.

There was a soft squeal from the phone in his hand, “Oh my gosh! This sounds like a cute little promise wedding! We should totally make it like a wedding ceremony!” Abigal gushed.

Everyone, especially Sophia and Em, were on board with this idea. They all began to throw out their ideas for how they could make it extra special and wedding-like. As they spoke, Virgil hid his face further and further into his boyfriend’s side, almost looking like he was trying to coax Patton’s body into absorbing him, so he could get out of there. Patton giggled and squeezed him tight for a second, causing Virgil to look up at him.

“It’ll be okay. It’s just us. The most important thing is that we’re doing this for us.” Patton reached down and slipped his fingers between Virgil’s in order to hold his hand comfortingly.

Virgil smiled softly, “I hate that you’re right with your sappy crap.”

“I didn’t hear that!” Patton threw his head to the side and comically pretended to not hear anything that Virgil said for the few seconds that followed, when the emo tried and failed to get Patton’s gaze to fall back onto himself. It only ended when Virgil moved out of Patton’s hold, grabbed his boyfriend’s face between his hands and turned it physically back to him.

“So rude.” Virgil said with a grin, his gaze exceedingly fond as he looked directly into Patton’s. The two shared a brief kiss that only broke because they suddenly heard a soft squeaky squeal.

All their friends were absolutely silent, each dealing with the incredibly adorable scene in their own ways. On the other end of the phone, however, none of their older friends were able to see what was going on and so Abigal felt she had every right to interrupt and ask what the heck was happening. It was explained to them all and she responded with a puking sound that was quietened almost immediately by Reggie’s comment of him ‘never having heard any complaints before’.

The rest of lunch continued with their friends on the phone and it was so wonderful for Patton. He felt like he could almost ignore the fact that he was going to lose his proximity to his boyfriend at home and could instead focus on how lucky he was to have had this wonderful experience with his close friends.

For two weeks in between that planning phase and the actual date of their ceremony, all of their group tried to hang out as much as humanly possible. Exams and last-minute revision got in the way for the first week, but eventually all the testing was over, and they had all the free time in the world to hang out. Each day, they crowded in someone’s home or nearby and just hung out, enjoying not only their last days together before Virgil moved away but also their last time of freedom as college and real adult life was creeping up on them fairly fast.

It only really became real on the day of their ceremony. They split into their initial friend groups and spent the whole day ‘getting them ready’. Abigal and Sophia were playing at being fully trainer hairdressers and makeup artists as they pretended to do Patton up for the ceremony, while Asher and Daniel were sat with Thomas, who’d been appointed to lead the whole thing. They were helping him memorise the script that a couple of the others had written for him to follow.

Across the street, Em was the one sorting Virgil’s make up while Reggie messed with his hair. Ana and Ayana were more than happy to just sit on his bed in the almost empty room, watching all of it happen from a distance.

“So, where’s this park you guys were talking about?” Ana asked, clearly bored.

“It’s at the end of the street. You probably passed it on your way here. It’s mostly covered by trees, so you wouldn’t know it’s there unless you’ve been there before.” Virgil explained. His nerves were rising as the afternoon rolled on. They were going to meet around 3pm at the park and he’d been specifically told to be there just before 3.

“It’ll be fine, Virgil. Just relax.” Em tried to sooth the anxious boy, checking his face one last time before putting away his makeup, “This is all for you and Patton. Just enjoy it.” There were noises of agreement from the rest of his attending friends. Virgil was going to try his best to not be nervous about it.

As they packed up and headed out of the house, Virgil told his friends to wait outside for him as he had to just let his parents know where he was going. He wandered through the empty home and into the kitchen, where his immediate family was still packing.

“Um, so… I’m going outside with some friends, I’ll be back soon. Is that okay?” Virgil shuffled, feeling a little bad at leaving his family right now.

His mom looked at him with a sad smile, “Of course, honey. Just be back before it gets too late.”

“Thanks, I will. We’re just going down to the park, so not too far.” Virgil said as he turned and headed to the front door. He was trying to remind himself to breathe slowly as they approached the end of the road and Virgil led the way into the small, enclosed park space. He stopped dead as soon as he got one foot past the iron gates.

Standing off to the side next to the trees was an archway that he’d never seen before. It was clearly made in a hurry as some of the original wood was showing through the white paint, but it still gave off the wedding vibe. The flower chains that were weaving through it and into the branches of the nearby trees only added to the aesthetic. Virgil almost couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He wanted to know who had done this but, before he could open his mouth to ask the question, he got his answer.

“Well, I guess she found the flowers then.” Reggie chuckled from his side. Reggie looked sideways at Virgil, directly addressing him, “Abigal wanted to make this special and ‘look good for the pictures’ so she and Ana made this last night. She lost the flowers this morning, but clearly, she found them.” Ana clicked their tongue and finger gunned when Virgil turned to look at them.

The stunned emo was almost dragged over to the arch and placed just in front of it, almost as if he was the groom at a wedding who was waiting for his partner to arrive. It was then that everything really clicked, and Virgil’s face turned bright red. He hadn’t expected them to go this hard.

Ayana stood at the end with a small basket in her hand and Virgil couldn’t help but notice her nervous energy. She was looking towards the gate as if she was looking for some kind of signal, but Virgil was still trying to let his brain catch up with him and so couldn’t quite think of what she might be trying to look for. Sure, they were waiting on Patton and the other half of their group, but that shouldn’t be something Ayana was specifically searching for. He found out her reasoning once the rest of their friends stepped into the park.

The youngest of them all walked over to the oncoming group of people and seemed to ask them something before she was put into the lead position. Despite the reservation and nerves that were showing clearly on her face, she began to sprinkle the ground with flower petals. This was yet another part of this that was clearly inspired by a wedding and Virgil was mortified, his face somehow turning an even brighter shade of red. He turned his gaze away, preferring to watch the branches of the trees sway in the breeze than what was clearly meant to be a wedding procession. It was only when his view was blocked by Thomas’ body walking past him and then Patton standing opposite that he finally stopped watching the surround nature.

Thomas perfectly fell into the role of minister, presiding over the ceremony as if he’d been doing these all of his life. He addressed everyone and followed the script perfectly.

Patton was clearly enjoying himself, if the wide, toothy grin he was constantly wearing was any indication. Virgil, meanwhile, was still trying to get over the embarrassment he felt over this whole thing being treated as a full-on wedding ceremony.

It got to the part where Virgil and Patton were to swap their promise gifts. They’d thought about it for a while and they decided to make bracelets for each other. Earlier in the week, they’d gone to a nearby craft store and picked out bead colours they wanted. Virgil went for his usual black and two shades of purple, while Patton naturally gravitated to the pastel blue, pink and yellow.

“Wait!” Patton had stopped Virgil as they were leaving the shop. He dragged the emo over to a nearby bench and dug around in his bag, opening the packets of beads. After a couple minutes of rummaging and more than a few beads running away from him, Patton held out one of each of the colours that Virgil had picked out, “We should swap some! So the bracelets have some of all the beads, a forever reminder in a forever promise!”

Virgil hadn’t admitted it out loud then, but it was a positively adorable idea and he just loved it. The idea that he and Patton would always hold something that was representative of their respective partner filled him with warmth and made him feel so utterly loved. He took the beads from Patton’s hand and then went about getting one of each of the colours he had in his own bag. Patton was cutely swinging his legs back and forth as he waited, the adorable action distracting Virgil just a little. Eventually, he held his three out for Patton to take.

In their hands at the ceremony were the finished bracelets. Patton was to go first. He grabbed a hold of Virgil’s left hand and started to slide the bracelet around his wrist, when a voice called out.

“Virgil? Are you still here?”

The boy in question sighed, the soft moment between them broken as Logan rounded the corner and entered the park. He caught sight of what was going on and seemed to have a moment of disbelief as he paused suddenly. After taking a second to catch himself, Logan headed over to them.

“What is going on here?” The firstborn Mortenson son was taking in everything he could see.

“It’s a Promise Ceremony!” Sophia responded, her hands on her hips as if it was the most obvious thing in the whole world.

Logan looked down at her with a slightly alarmed expression, “A what?” He shook his head before he got an answer, “Doesn’t matter. Virgil, mom and dad need you back at the house as soon as possible. It looks like it’s going to rain. Finish up as soon as you can.” All of them turned their attention to the sky and could see the dark clouds rolling in fast above them. Patton pouted and was clearly a little upset at the change in weather. Logan then turned to head off back home but was stopped by Virgil calling his name.

“Logan, why don’t you stay here? It won’t be much longer…” Virgil asked. He wasn’t sure why he asked for his brother to stay. Normally, he’d love to have the space, but something was telling him to keep his brother close by.

Logan glanced around at all of his brother’s friends, slowly being persuaded by their hopeful faces. He sighed and went to stand next to Ayana at the end, “Fine.”

The ceremony continued. Virgil pulled the bracelet he made for Patton out and grabbed a hold of his hand, staring into his boyfriend’s eyes. He slid the beads over Patton’s wrist and squeezed the hand tight before letting them both fall between them, their fingers still gently interlaced and the beads around their wrists touching.

Thomas finished up the last of the script he’d been given before looking between the clearly love-struck couple in front of him. A spark of inspiration must have come to him as, out of the corner of Virgil’s eye, he perked up and addressed them both, “Now, you may kiss!”

Virgil’s head almost cracked as he turned his head sharply to look at Thomas with a concerned and embarrassed glare. He went to ask what the fuck Thomas thought he was doing but Patton’s gentle giggles and soft hands turning his head stopped him. It was only a brief moment that Virgil had to see Patton’s loving gaze and smile before his lips were pressed so lightly against his own. He practically melted against the other boy, kissing back as the world around him drained away, leaving them alone.

Off to the side, Abigal was watching the boys have their utterly precious moment. She had her arms wrapped around her own boyfriend’s, her fingers locked between his, which meant she was able to feel when he tensed up and hear when Reggie muttered something along the lines of “Oh shit…” in a tone that was really unfitting for the situation.

“Hey, what was that for!?” Abigal looked up, ready to berate him, but she stopped when she saw the fear in his eyes. “Babe, what’s wro…” She trailed off as she followed his gaze. Her heart stopped when she locked eyes with the ones across the small park, her panic rising to levels she hadn’t felt in years. Immediately, she darted forwards to try and warn the others, but a loud metallic crash had everyone’s attention before Abigal even had a chance.

Everyone’s eyes turned to see what had caused the sound, a shout also coming from the same place. “What the FUCK is THIS?!”

Ayana immediately ducked behind Em, who wrapped the young girl in her arms. Daniel looked about ready to bolt in the opposite direction, while Sophia and Ana both seemed to ready themselves for a fight. Asher straightened his back and grabbed a hold of Abigal’s free hand, providing her comfort while she shook. Reggie was a complete statue, unmoving as Logan walked past him to stand fully between the group and the oncoming figure. Virgil and Patton both stood frozen, their hands now tightly clasped. Patton was shaking, tears were rolling down his cheeks as he stared at the approaching face of his older brother that was contorted into an expression of pure rage.

Last Chapter —– Next Chapter

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[dtissagirl]

I fought the war but the war won

Warning: all the spoilers for Avengers: Endgame.

OF COURSE I have no doubt Natasha would sacrifice herself for the world in a heartbeat.

And between her and Clint, it's obvious her thinking is he can have a future with his ~family~, and she's obviously been insanely isolated these last five years, and filled with regret, and sacrificing herself for her found family [and saving the universe in the process] is worth it for her.

But my problem is I don't acknowledge the existence of Clint's family because that's a dumbass story idea from the worst movie ever GO AWAY LINDA CARDELLINI.

And watching Nat and Clint back together made my heart ache because those two belong together -- romantically if you prefer it so, but mainly together as in partners that work insanely well together in a fictional narrative. They have had this lived-in chemistry from the first Avengers, and I didn't realize how much I had missed it until this movie.

[Fuck Joss Whedon with a cactus forever.]

[Someone make me that Black Widow movie and show me Budapest. I DESERVE IT.]

...

And then the scene with all the dudes in the lake angry-mourning Nat looks REALLY REALLY BAD because the only thing that emotionally rings out of that scene is HOLY SHIT THEY FUCKING KILLED THE ONLY WOMAN OH MY GOD PLEASE END ALL MEN WRITING SUPERHERO STORIES BECAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HORRIBLE THE OPTICS ARE WHEN THEY FUCKING KILL THE ONLY ORIGINAL WOMAN AVENGER IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO CELEBRATE THEIR LEGACY. HOLY FUCK.

...

Holy motherfucking shitballs what they did to Thor was a supreme case of extreme fatphobia. So fucking embarrassing. And they could have done the exact same depression/PTSD shit without a fat suit. Fatness is NOT a character flaw, and for this movie to think it's okay to portray it as such, and for most people in the audience to not even realize how horrible this is... well, that's the fatphobic world we live in everyday wherein thin people don't realize how fucking horrible they are about fatness ALL THE TIME. Ugh.

And hey, I think Hemsworth is a comedic genius at this point, and I'm super glad Hollywood at large has realized he can run circles of funny and comic timing around everybody else [THANKS, GHOSTBUSTERS!], but the fat suit soured it forever in this movie.

...

Look, I know at this point Goop is a hazardous danger to women's health at large, and call me a hypocrite for separating actor and character this particular time when I usually don't, but I love and adore and cherish Pepper Potts with all my heart.

SHE is the reason I'm so connected to the MCU. My hook wasn't any of the superheroes, it was Pepper in the first Iron Man movie. She's the glue that has made me engage with this universe so deeply for the last ten years. All the fanart, all the fic, all the fanworks ever I've created or consumed in the last decade, it has been all about how much I adore Pepper.

And to see her in the Rescue armor in the final battle, I just. I wasn't expecting it. I hadn't even thought it was ever gonna happen, but THIS was the true culmination of the past ten years for me. From now on, I can say it without a doubt every single time someone asks me who's my favorite Avenger. It's Pepper Potts.

[I also kept thinking about my friend S. She would have been so fucking ecstatic about this. It hit me right in the face when Pepper showed up in battle -- I so dearly wish S were here to see this.]

...

Okay, so, disclaimer: I don't have a horse in the Steve Rogers 'shipping infinity wars. I crack 'ship Steve with Maria Hill forever and ever because they would make the prettiest babies on the planet and I don't even like babies. The only part of Ultron that I acknowledge is Maria wearing Steve's jacket at the party. It's the ONLY thing that happened in that movie, NOTHING ELSE DID.

And I don't even blame Steve in any of this mess, to be honest.

The problem here is structural. The narrative went OUT OF THIS WAY to establish HOW time-travel works in this universe. They even got all gloat-y about how every movie ever made was wrong about the ~quantum physics~ of it. They even had bald Tilda Swinton MAKE A POWER POINT PRESENTATION about the rules of time travel.

They set up ONE very specific rule -- changing the past doesn't alter one's own future, it creates a separate timeline of events. O-kay. Pretty simple rule.

...And then Old!Cap who looks scarily like Joe Biden broke that one rule.

Because he did. He went back in time and put all the stones in their proper place in the timeline[1]... and *after that* he went back to the 40s to live happily ever after with Peggy[2], THUS ***CHANGING THE PAST*** and *****CREATING AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE*****.

So there's no. fucking. possible. way. he could have grown old in the original timeline.

And like. They could have fixed that by having Joe Biden Old!Cap legit come back IN THE TIME TRAVEL SUIT IN THE QUANTUM PLATFORM. THAT WOULD HAVE FIXED THIS PROBLEM. But they didn't, so they broke their own story.

And the consequence of this fuck up is... Steve a horrible person. [And even writing that makes me sad because he isn't? He wouldn't ever?] But by breaking their story and their own time-travel rules, it fucks up Steve so badly I wanna cry. So what, he lived a whole life in this same timeline, and did nothing to change anything? Did he marry the future DIRECTOR OF SHIELD and never told her about Hydra? About Bucky? Did he open a newspaper one day and read that Howard and Maria Stark died in a car accident and went, oops? Did he pretend he was sick when his wife told him she was going to the funeral of her lifelong friend?

Do you see how badly it looks? It's bad. The Steve I know and love doesn't deserve this. Please go punch the Russos in the face, Cap.

Notes:

[1] HOW did Steve even put the stones in jewel form back in their proper places in the timeline when they stole the Tesseract in cube form, the mind stone with the scepter, the whatever stone that was they got from Star Lord that was inside an orb... HOW do you even put the soul stone back, like, does Cap go to Vormir and goes, oh hey, RED SKULL MY OLD BUDDY, MY OLE TIME FELLA, here's your soul stone back? Does he get Natasha back for the stone? Isn't it a soul for a soul? Does it work in reverse too?

[2] Hey, so if Steve lived happily ever after with Peggy in this timeline did he erase her future kids? This is Barry Allen levels of fuckupdness, Steve. Gah. And also -- I would pay actual monies to watch time-traveler Steve explain to Peggy that after he went to her funeral he kissed her niece. This is why I 'ship Steve with Maria Hill, man. No complications. Only pretty.

Also: STEVE ROGERS ERASED THE ENTIRETY OF THE AGENT CARTER TV SHOW. That's pretty unforgivable, man. They even had TV show Jarvis right there in this movie driving Tony's dad around in the 70s to make THIS BETRAYAL hurt more.

...

Four hours after I watched the movie I remembered Tony died and started ugly crying again. I'm glad he had those five years of a good life, I'm so glad he had a kid -- that kid, so obviously HIS kid it hurt, I'm so glad Pepper and Rhodey and Peter were there with him in his last moments. I'm glad he got the proper hero death. It still hurts like a son of a bitch.

...

Professor Hulk is a forever delight and he and I need to become besties so we can talk about quantum physics and eat hulkish amounts of breakfast foods every day.

...

I find Thanos to be a complete bore, so every time he sat and started monologuing I stopped paying attention because I DESERVE TO NOT have to listen to giant purple incels pretending they ~know best~ about anything.

But I did appreciate that there was a difference in tone. This was 2014 Thanos, before he went full on cray cray with the monologuing, so he spoke less [bless], and he went full nihilist I AM GOING TO DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE instead of only half of it ~for balance~ or whatever. Because Infinity Wars tried to make it like Thanos wanting to kill 50% of the universe had some sort of ~logic~ behind it, and that was way too close to ~both sides~ shit, and, no, son. Him wanting to destroy EVERYTHING put him in the right proper category of batshit crazy bananapants deranged, and that's where he should have been ALL ALONG, no ~he has a point~ arguments ever valid, he doesn't, he never did, shut the fuck up.

...

I actually really really enjoyed the pacing of this movie. Granted, I'm not stupid and I took a muscle relaxant beforehand so that I could sit still for one hundred and eighty two fucking minutes, but I honestly didn't feel it drag at all at any time [and I felt all the other Avengers movies drag at some point or another].

I appreciated it so much that the set up for the final battle took waaaaay longer than the final battle. [I know people go ga-ga for battle scenes, but eh. I prefer my superheroes as pretty people who talk really fast, and battles make them stop talking.]

My favorite sequence was the revisiting of the previous movies. I loved every single piece of it, and I know in my heart that I'm gonna rewatch those sequences over and over and over again for the rest of forever. THE CAP 2 ELEVATOR SCENE REENACTMENT BUT NOT REALLY OH MY GOD THAT WAS GLORIOUS.

Also Loki stealing the Tesseract [again!] was aces. Sure it was to set up extra time-travel shenanigans, but still. Loki and the Tesseract belong together. Please let this be the premise of the Disney+ series.

...

Even though battle sequences aren't really my thing, I would like to express my DEEP ABIDING LOVE for the part when all the women got together to help Peter move the Big Glove of Kitsch towards the van. My packed theater clapped so hard. I cried.

...

HOW DOES PETER PARKER GO BACK TO SCHOOL FIVE YEARS LATER AND HIS BUDDY IS STILL THERE DID HIS BUDDY FLUNK HIGH SCHOOL FIVE YEARS IN A ROW? WHAT?

...

Also Cap and the Hammer, the actual true love story of this movie. Thor's little "I knew it". I knew it too, buddy.

...

I'm gonna need Marvel to release the behind the scenes footage of the filming of Tony's funeral. I hope the cast had an actual party right there, all somberly dressed in black and everything.

...

After a full season of 22 episodes of television in a movie screen, this was a pretty great finale. Congrats on making the most expensive tv show of all time, Marvel. Excelsior!

[freedom-shamrock]

Homesick 4 You

Also on AO3. This Hugdrien story is a sequel to “ All the Cats Out of Bags,” though it can stand on its own.  It’s probably not quite as direct a follow up as I’d implied in my reblog (timing and set up needed alteration). It is also @miraculousfluffmonth‘s Aug 21 prompt, distance.

Marinette's computer blipped at her, notifying her of an incoming Discord message.  "Oh, hey Alya, Adrien's online," she spoke quickly into her phone.  They had started out doing homework, but had moved on to the ethical considerations of keeping sensitive information confidential.  Alya was writing a paper on it, and the all her research and reading made her rethink a few things about her goals with the Ladyblog.  "I know he's super lonely in Milan, so is it okay if chat with him a bit?"

Alya laughed.  "Yeah.  You've heard all this before, anyway."

Marinette met Tikki's eyes and smiled.  "True, but for what it's worth, I agree with you.  And I think your change in policy or whatever it could be called, is a mature and socially responsible perspective."

"Thanks, cupcake, I'll see you tomorrow," Alya said.

Marinette jiggled her mouse and signed in to her computer.  Her chat with Adrien popped up.

Hugdrien : Do you have any idea how hug deprived I am right now?

Princess : I do, actually.  I've been logging your hug activity for the last several months.  You are going to require intensive cuddling when you return.

Hugdrien : Should I schedule an appointment now?

Princess : No need.  I've set aside my entire schedule for your treatment.

Hugdrien : Oh good.

Princess : How was today's shoot?

Hugdrien : Terrible.  Pretty much everything that could go wrong, did.

Princess : Oh, no!  I am so sorry. That's awful.

Hugdrien : Camile asked my father why you weren't with me.  She claims you're some sort of good luck charm.

Hugdrien : She'd be far more right than she realizes.

Princess : Really?!

Hugdrien . Obvsly.  Have you not noticed how well my shoots go when you're there?

Princess : I just figured I hadn't hit a bad one yet.

Hugdrien : Yeah.  Well you are the personification of good luck, too, and it counters my shit luck, so…

Princess : It's so unfair that you have bad luck.  You don't deserve that.

Hugdrien : If it means I get to be your Kitty, it's worth it.

Princess : Awwwwwwwww

Hugdrien : I'm supposed to be getting ready for dinner, but I wanted to check and see if you could Skype tomorrow?  Not as nice as actually hugging you, but seeing you and talking to you would be really nice.

Princess : Yeah.  What time?

Hugdrien : Is 21:30 too late?

Princess : Pffft.  I have patrols that start later.

Hugdrien : True.  But since I've been gone for two weeks. Two god-awful long weeks, that is, I'm not sure where you are in your sleep status.

Princess : Pretty well rested.

Princess : 21:30 it is.  I put it in my calendar.

Hugdrien : Ooh.  It's… like a date and everything.

Princess : Skype date?

Hugdrien : It's a real thing.

Hugdrien : Anyway, see you tomorrow.  Sleep well my bug.

"I just e-mailed you today's homework," Marinette said, smiling at the real-time image of Adrien on her monitor.  "I eagerly await your… impression on the physics reading."

Adrien laughed, leaning back in his chair, the pale pink walls of his hotel room behind him.  "Do you, then.  Should we do another Skype date tomorrow to go over it?"

"Oooh.  Study date," she said, giggling.  She wasn't sure if he was intentionally using the word 'date' to make a point or if it was a hint, or if it was just a coincidence.  Though their relationship hadn't really changed since her parents caught him sleeping in her bed, she'd felt tension that hadn't been there before.  It was like she had a need to define what they were.

"Nino swears by it," he said, shrugging.

Marinette snorted.  "I don't think they get much studying done.   And I'm pretty sure they don't do it over Skype."

He sighed.  "Yeah.  Hard to cuddle from another country."

"Digital cuddle date?" she asked.

"That is definitely not a thing," he said, pouting.

"It would be missing a crucial component, yeah."  She nodded in agreement.  It was nice to be able to see him, but it almost made her miss him more.  When she watched his hand slide through his freshly washed hair, pushing it back, she felt a pang of jealousy.  She wanted to be the one to tangle her fingers in that soft mess.

"I really miss you," he said, his voice softer all of a sudden.  "It's… always hard to be away from Paris, but it's extra hard this time."

"Why do you suppose that is?" she asked, trying not to let any of her hopes form into full ideas.

"You," he said simply.

She straightened up, one hand coming up to tap the center of her chest.  "Me?  How?"

He tilted his head and gazed at his fingers, tracing patterns on the table in front of him.  "Both sides of you have been important to me since we met, but now, you're just this constant wonderful presence in my life.  And I don't think I can go an hour without finding something I want to share with you, or a pun I want to tell you."  A small uncertain smile settled on his face.  "I used to miss Ladybug when I had to go away, of course.  But that was… shallower in a way.  Now it's like being homesick, only for a person rather than a place."

"Oh," she whispered, finding it strangely difficult to breathe.  She reached out and touched his cheek on the screen.  It was hard and warm, nothing like his face in real life.  "I miss you a lot, too.  I don't think I really have the words to explain it."

"Can I tell you something?" he asked, more uncertain than she'd ever heard him. 

"You can tell me anything, Kitty," she insisted.

"It's… um… intense.  Very personal and potentially embarrassing.  I don't want you to feel pressured in any way."  His hand ran from his forehead, through his hair, to finally rest on the back of his neck.  "You don't have to have a response to it.  I just… I feel like I'm lying by not telling you."

"It's okay," she promised.  "I am very familiar with personal and embarrassing.  You've met my parents, remember?"  She snickered.  "You know, those people who give you bread baking lessons and sex advice at the same time."  She felt her cheeks heat up.

He nodded and took a breath.  "Okay.  Uhm… this is harder than I expected."  His eyes flicked down to his hands than seemed to consciously come back up to meet hers.  "I really like you Mari."

Oh.  That was definitely okay.  "I like you, too."

"It's… quite a bit stronger than friend kind of like," he explained.  Oh god, he was blushing and it was adorable.  "Uhm.  A lot stronger.  And different.  I'd noticed it before.  I mean, I was definitely crushing on you when you took the zip line.  And then you hugged me, which was just soperfect.  It was a little moment of heaven.  I thought hanging out with you and getting hugs once in a while would be enough, you know?"

She nodded, but he continued before she could speak.

"And it was .  But then I found out you're my partner, and it was like a door opened up and I could see you so much better."  He was talking quickly, rushing to get his thoughts out.  "There were no more secrets or barriers.  I knew you, and you knew me."  

This part of his rambling monologue resonated with her.  Learning he was Chat Noir, her secret best friend, had dramatically changed her understanding of him.  She nodded, but didn't try to interrupt.

"But about a month ago… a month before I left, I mean, when we were watching movies, I looked at you and I realized it."  He was waving his hands around at this point.

"Realized what?" she prompted.

"I just looked at you and I thought, oh.  I love her."  He froze for a moment, his mouth hanging open as he stared at her through the monitor.  "And thinking it, it just felt right.  There was this calm that sort of washed over me.  It was natural and comfortable, like finding where you belong."

"Oh.  Wow."  Her fingers had wrapped themselves in the front of her shirt, clinging desperately.

"And you absolutely don't have to do anything with this information," he held out both hands and shook his head.  "You don't have to feel the same way for me.  I just… I know that when Chat flirted with Ladybug, it was easy to brush it off.  It was fun, but lacked depth, and… I was actually in love with you then, as Ladybug, but I never really made that clear.  And I wanted to be clear this time around."  He let out a heavy breath.  "So… yeah.  Uhm."  He glanced around his room.  "I should probably let you get to sleep, so…"

"Would you go out with me?" she blurted.  She hadn't meant to ask like that, rushed and crazy.  She wanted to give him some beautiful words, but her brain was not cooperating at the moment.

"Uhm… what?"  He looked so hopeful.

"When you get back to Paris," she said.  "Would you go out to dinner with me?"

"Like a date?" he asked.

Smiling, she nodded eagerly.  "Not like a date, but an actual date."

"Yes," he said, beaming and nodding.  "Yes, I would love to do that."

She nodded, wondering if he was almost overwhelmed by happiness like she was.  "Okay.  I'll plan something."

Marinette's phone chimed.  Figuring it was Alya, she ignored it and focused on her history homework.  The phone chimed again.

"Ooh.  Marinette," Tikki said, swiping her paws over the screen.  "It's Adrien."

"Oh!"  She straightened up so abruptly, she nearly tipped over her chair.  "Oops."

Kitty : I miss U!

Kitty : Want to see U!

Smiling, she texted back.  "I miss U 2!"  She followed up with, "Wanna Skype 2night?"

Kitty : Can't. <sad kitty emoji>  There are reservations.  And plans.

He'd be home in a few more days, and she'd planned out a nice date for them that allowed for cuddling while hitting a couple of their favorite places in both forms.  "Don't be sad," she sent back.  "It's Friday.  You can text me even if it's late when you get done."

She heard footsteps on the stairs, heavier than Mama, but swifter than Papa.  She turned just in time to see Adrien burst into the room.  His cheeks were pink, maybe from the wind, and he was holding a bouquet of red roses.  "Hi."  His steps faltered.  "I got off early for good behavior."

She got out of her chair so fast it fell over, and she didn't care.  She rushed toward him, throwing her arms around him.  "You need so many hugs."  To be fair, she wanted a whole lot of hugs, too.

The bunch of flowers settled in the center of her back as he returned her eager embrace.  "My father is still in Milan, will be for the whole next week."

"Excellent.  You can stay the whole time."  She burrowed her face in the front of his shirt, breathing in his scent.  Next time he had to travel, she was making him leave a shirt.  "Did you bring clothes?"

"Did he bring clothes?" Plagg's slightly nasal voice piped up.  "He's ready to move in, Princess."

"Good."  She felt giddy.  Without letting go, she leaned back to look up at him.  There were shadows under his eyes, things they'd had to hide with makeup that told her he needed rest, but he looked happy.  "Welcome home Kitty."

He leaned in a little, brushing her nose lightly with his.  "May I kiss you?  I really want to kiss you."

Giggling, she tilted her chin up to him.  "I'd like that."  Her initial impression was warm and soft.  It was slightly reminiscent of the kiss she'd given him during an unfortunate valentine related akuma.  There was no rush of desire or fireworks, it was more of a sense of peace settling over her, as if she'd been tightly tense since their last Skype chat, and his kiss melted it all away.

At the end of the kiss, he didn't pull away immediately.  His eyes were still closed as his slow breath brushed over her face.  "Hmm."  His eyes fluttered open.  "I think I'm kiss deficient."

"Oh no."  She moved one hand to his cheek as she attempted to role play dismay.  She was too happy.  "We'll have to fix that, too."

He kissed her cheek and stepped back.  "I'm taking you to dinner.  If you're willing to accompany me, that is."

"But I have a date all planned for Wednesday," she protested.  "I made reservations, and everything."

He grinned.  "Is there a rule that says you can't take me out Wednesday if I take you out now?"

She'd wanted to be responsible for the first date, but it wasn't worth getting bent out of shape over.  She shook her head.

He let out an exaggerated sigh.  "Good.  Because I think we're date deficient, too, and we'll have to work hard to address that."

Next in series > Furrever Home

There will be one more story in the Hugdrien series for Fluffgust.

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.