#I actually do miss sociology though I’m gonna try do some reading

[gaytobymeres]

Rereading old essays from my first degree like damn maybe I’m not as much of an idiot as I thought I was

[solomonish]

Solomon Headcanons

I didn’t like my old headcanons for him and I think I have a slightly better feel for him so I’m posting these bad boys. Maybe at this rate I’ll just post Solomon HCs every month 

Also this turned into more of a “I’m going to talk about Solomon in depth and maybe throw in one headcanon about kissing him” and is no longer “lol what kind of dates do you go on? <3″ so uh. do with that what you will. It’s also SUPER LONG (or feels that way) so make sure you have a hot second to read them

you can find my for real headcanons for him here but I don’t necessarily stand by them anymore? They’re just there for fun now lol

Solomon’s Relationship With Relationships

Solomon has been alive for...a long time, and with that naturally comes a lot of experiences, negative and positive. It’s also natural that it would also have him break out of traditional structures regarding...everything, but especially things regarding relationships and specific other people.

(Not to get sociological or philosophical about society or whatever, but the way we view everything is accented heavily by the end. With exceptions, and this certainly varies from culture to culture, but as a general idea, we view things expecting them to take place over the span of 70-100 years. Certain positions in politics or business or something try to look at things generationally, but how capable of that are we and how far ahead can we truly see?)

(What I mean to say is that immortality naturally shifts the entire context in which you would view things that were expected to be “lifelong.” What once existed to enrich a life is now a tether to a system that doesn’t necessarily suit his existence.)

Psychologically, however.....I don’t think Solomon has tried to (or even can) rewire himself entirely to the point where he doesn’t feel love. He’s already got a fondness for Simeon and Luke (always crying about him calling them “dear friends” in the circus event i don’t know if he says anything in the lessons because i’m only on like 21 LOL) so he’s clearly capable of fondness and affection.

Not that those should equate exactly to romantic feelings (because they shouldn’t), but there’s undeniable similarities between platonic and romantic affection and, for the purposes of speculating about an immortal’s capability to still feel both, I think they can be equated in this regard.

There are a lot of assumptions I’m making about him to make this post, namely the following: that there is still reconciling to be done internally between his immortality and humanity, that Solomon’s composed and confident nature is a bit of a front (only a bit - I’ll explain more later), and, related to these two, that he even cares about humanity and that he still wants to preserve his humanity.

While this might be my perspective as a regular human, I really don’t believe that the desire to be human and fully encompass what that means has left. If anything, I think his intrinsic desire for knowledge and power stems from it, and he’s just suppressed the “mushier” emotional parts of that as a sort of....defense mechanism, if you will.

SO the tl;dr of this is that you know how alloromantic people just like feel in love and they get their romantic crushes and it’s natural and they can’t control it? Solomon gets that! He just isn’t the type to swoon over someone or really make it known.

He also as a person is big on being manipulative shady and in control, so if he were to just be super obvious about having a crush on someone and not being able to do anything about it, that would sort of tarnish his whole image.

So yeah, I think Solomon just has his emotions on a tight leash when they probe to be out of control. Clearly, he doesn’t have every part of him under this sort of watchful eye (whether that’s because he still wants to feel genuine happiness or he knows if he came across as emotionless and calculated people would trust him even less, I haven’t decided), but those that cause trouble stay behind locked doors.

Additionally, I don’t think Solomon is opposed to falling in love. I’d bet he’s had lots of different partners over the years and remembers them fondly (you know, assuming they ended well)

I also think his immortal status makes dating different? I feel like doesn’t really date to find a life partner because. well. (gestures).

That’s not to say that he doesn’t date casually sometimes or something. In the terms of a serious romantic partnership, though, it’s rare that it happens because he knows that it’ll die with them (and stay within him for probably forever, even if/when there comes a day he can no longer remember their name or their face).

Another assumption I’m making that I forgot to mention: I think it’s rare that Solomon’s serious, long-term partners know the true extent of the magic he dabbles in. Maybe he lets them know it’s real magic, or he pretends it’s all show magic and parlor tricks. Sometimes he pretends his pact marks are tattoos, sometimes he tells the truth. If ever these confessions are laughed off, he laughs them off too and creates a cover story.

He doesn’t intend to lie, but it’s very difficult to meet someone and explain........all of THAT. On which date to you mention that you can control 72 demons? Do you send a card explaining how you’ve been alive since Biblical times and you’re not even sure if you birthday is your real birthday anymore, let alone how old you are? And should that card be store bought or homemade?

So while it’s rare for Solomon to have a serious romantic partnership, it’s even more rare for him to be entirely understood or accepted for EVERYTHING that he is because he can’t get into it. Arguably, that hasn’t happened since his “death” in his original timeline.

A crush for Solomon isn’t a hopeless affair, either. Should you choose someone else, he’ll allow himself the disappointment and move on.

With Solomon, romantic love sparks naturally, but genuine true love isn’t some all-powerful, unstoppable force. He falls more in line with the people who believe it’s a choice and a decision, somewhere between “it’s purely a biological impulse we just gave a fancy name” and “it’s the magic that makes life more enjoyable”

With MC

In the case of MC, however, I think he might initially see it as bothersome or a hinderance to whatever his plan is with being down there for the exchange program. Maybe he convinces himself he’s just naturally attracted to you because you’re human like him. Once he comes to terms with his feelings and gets to know MC a bit more, he might even see it as a lost cause seeing as you already have several of the brothers vying for your affections.

For Solomon to act on a crush that he’s already decided is hopeless, it’ll be up to the MC to show that THEY are interested in HIM

He finds no particular pleasure in being someone who is chased after or “playing hard to get,” but he already has a complicated relationship with complicated relationships. He’s gonna need a down payment of affection a sign that there’s anything even there to pursue 

Traditional flirting, while he’ll have his fun with it (and probably enjoy it at least a little - who doesn’t like feeling desirable?), doesn’t really work for him. Lots of people and creatures have used it to try and charm him, plus he has a pact with Asmo, so at this point he really sees it as more casual fun then an indication of true interest.

Honestly, to get him to realize “oh shit I actually have a chance,” you’re going to have to do two main things: 1) make him feel chosen over the others, and 2) respond to his displays of affection

Making Him Feel Chosen

This isn’t really a competition thing, or some selfish hoarding of your time. The thing is, Solomon knows he isn’t the only one in the running and he knows that anything he has to offer, somebody else could give you a portion of it.

(You won’t get the same experience or combination of traits with somebody else obvi, but with 11 suitors and an added chihuahua, there tends to be a little bit of overlap with everyone)

A crush for Solomon is a romantic interest, but if he intends on pursuing a serious relationship (which, I feel, is what he intends to be the final goal of his crushes as opposed to more casual affairs), he needs to see SOME reciprocation

Being with him is an ordeal, maybe a lifelong one for you, so he needs that assurance that it’ll be worth it and there aren’t better avenues

Basically, this means that ✨ quality time ✨ is of the utmost importance

At first, it doesn’t have to be anything big. Sit with him at lunch when you see him in the cafeteria, meet him in the library while you wait for your demon escort to be finished with their extracurriculars, chat him up in the one class you have together (and then ask him to help you study what you missed in class by talking. it’s a required transfer class but you already know everything about it, right, Solomon? 🥺)

As your relationship progresses, that’s when things start to get harder. Invite him out to things that you think he’ll enjoy, and say yes to as many excursions with him as you can. Bonus points for making it clear that you want to go when you’re unable to attend. 

(He finds himself a little embarrassed how happy it makes him when instead of just a “no” or a “sorry, not today” he gets something like “I’m on dinner duty so I have to spend that time preparing :( but we should definitely make a date so you can tell me about it later!” It makes him feel like a priority.)

It isn’t until you find yourself comfortable enough to ask him to accompany you to something you want to do that he starts to realize you’re hanging out with him for him and not because he’s just offering up a bunch of fun new experiences for you to try.

You don’t even have to say “hey, i’m pretty sure you know all about the birds in the Devildom aviary but I haven’t had a chance to go and would really like to spend the day with you. Wanna come with?” If it’s something that he knows you know isn’t in his wheelhouse, he’ll be able to figure out that OH.....you’re inviting him for HIM.....oh

Make him feel like a priority, like he’s the one that you want, even out of all your choices. You can be as enthralled by the birds in that aviary as you want, just as long as you make it clear that your enthusiasm to be with him is on the same level and he’ll finally kick himself into gear.

Responding to His Affections

Now, you don’t have to do anything you don’t like. I hear in his dame card devilgram he’s a consent king, and he stands by that every day of the week

He also isn’t the type to need an exact equal to everything he does. Yes a relationship is a two way street, but this isn’t saying that if he gets you a gift you need to present him something with equal or greater value within the next 24 hours. he’s not mammon haha i’m so FUNNY

Just...let him know that he’s doing things right. His serious relationships are few and far between and people change as often as the times do, so make sure that he knows what he’s doing is landing. He’s not insecure per se, but he would like to know that he isn’t making a fool of himself entirely, you know?

Don’t brush him off in front of the brothers or he’ll think he’s read the situation all wrong and you’re back to square one. If you do it because you don’t like touching and he put an arm around your shoulder or something, that’s fine, but if he thinks you’re uncomfortable being with him in front of the brothers he’ll wonder if you even liked him at all.

To him, a secret relationship isn’t really feasible. First of all, those brothers are ALWAYS in your business so bold of you to think you’ll have ANY secrets by the time the exchange program is done, and secondly, don’t you both have enough on your plate that you shouldn’t make something that makes you happy needlessly complicated?

He is an odd case and knows there’s a lot that comes with him, so if you’re uncomfortable simply showing that you’re in a relationship and reciprocating, he’ll think you aren’t equipped to handle.....All That.

In case you haven’t noticed, he’s weird. He’s a weirdo. He doesn’t fit in. And he doesn’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen him without that stupid cape on? That's weird.

If you respond to his affections in a similar way, such as putting you arm around his waist or a hand on his back when he puts an arm around your shoulder or reaching up to fix his hair when he reaches to mess with yours, it’ll make him happy for sure. He doesn’t have any specific expectations for you but he’ll like to feel like you’re on the same wavelength.

A lot of his affections are morphed into specific and targeted teasing (but not like *gently bullies u* teasing). It’s a lot of inside jokes at your expense (and the more inside jokes he has, the more he probably likes you)

It’s also a lot of messing up your hair, sharp pokes and frustrating games like “guess what?” “i don’t know, what?” “i told you to guess, MC.” “ugh...you won the lottery” “guess better” “please don’t do this to me Solomon”

He probably responds best to Acts of Service and Quality Time (though at any stage in the relationship he’s a flexible man). While he’s trying to woo you to solidify his spot in first place against everyone else, if you continue to make the effort to be around him or like. recognize he’s taking time out of his day to romance you and do something for him in return he’ll cement the fact that oh yeah, this is happening between the two of you

(not to say that romancing you is a chore, because it’s not, but man if it doesn’t make him happy that you’re wanting to make his life easier on him so he can pursue the other things he enjoys, too.)

What a Relationship with Solomon is Like

He isn’t the biggest person on PDA, or at least not on purpose. He won’t see you and immediately be like ‘oh there they are i need to kiss them kiss kiss kiss’ or whatever, but he’s not averse to it?

He doesn’t want physical affection to be a big deal, or at least not in public. unless that’s what you’re into ;) If the two of you are out and about and you kiss his hand, or you’re a generally physically affectionate person he’ll smile and respond and be generally unbothered by it, but don’t expect him to ever really have the desire to like make out in public or something. Really, you probably won’t get much more than a quick kiss because he DOES always have other things on his mind.

You will NOT be able to get out of him messing with you. If you need him to tone it down that’s fine, but the more you let him get away with, the less energy he’ll have to redirect into other troublemaking activities

Has a weird thing with licking too probably? like he’s not gross about it and it’s not like a NSFW fixation but he’ll do that mom thing where he licks his thumb because “you’ve got something on your cheek” and then reveal that he’s a LIAR

or he’ll put his face really close to yours and stick his tongue out when you turn your head so it hits your cheek

it just gets such a DRAMATIC reaction out of you so that’s why he does it? if you ask him genuinely to stop he will but if you comment on it he’ll just give you a small smile and not say anything then continue to do it

when he messes with you, it’s ok if you say he’s doing something weird but don’t make him feel childish. setting boundaries (and making regular observations - he is kinda weird) is more than alright but admonishing him just feels......off and will turn him sour for a bit

VERY appreciative of someone who supports his adventurous side. Also fond of someone who’s happy to tag along but knows that some things he has to do on his own.

Even if you don’t want to go, he’ll appreciate the support or the interest you show in what he does. Ask him where he’s going and what he’s doing there, but ask him because you’re interested and not because you’re overly worried.

Please be there for him when he gets back to talk about it. He really likes feeling important or cool when he tells his tales, even if all he did was go and catch a few magic salamanders or something.

PLEASE be a soundboard for all of his ideas. He knows that sometimes he’ll talk about things that are way over your head that he hasn’t learned yet, but he really does want your undivided attention. It doesn’t matter if you’re encouraging him, debating with him, telling him the idea is stupid (though don’t pull this one too often unless you intend to ask to be let in to the fun) or just watching in confusion. It’s important to him that you value what he has to say, and he hopes one day that he’ll be able to tell you anything and you’ll have a response to it all. (Even if you don’t learn magic to the degree he knows it, he hopes you’ll get to a point where you understand what he wants, even if you don’t know what magical elements he’s talking about or something.)

A relationship with Solomon is one where you’re both independent, but also can’t imagine not going to the other at the end of the day. It’s startling how quickly you become constant in the other’s life despite being in COMPLETELY different stages of magical development and learning about the demon world.

The relationship will be lots of fun, but there will be many serious moments, too. 

They’ll happen randomly. Maybe something from a class or a spell reminds him of something from his past, or maybe he’s reminded that he can’t remember so many things that he knows were important to him.

Sometimes, his Tuesday night blues will feel like a life-changing existential crises for you, but please, do what you can to be there for him in these moments. It worries him how much love and happiness he’s lost, especially when he knows he promised to remember it.

Once you get him to think aloud, he’ll say super heavy stuff life “What if I’ve forgotten who I really am and now I’m just something other people and magic have morphed me into?” or “When will the human race evolve or go extinct and leave me behind?” and it fucks you up, really. It fucks him up too

But please be patient with him, because there’s something important he has to get off his chest eventually. He’s worried already that he’ll forget you the way he’s probably forgotten so many others, but he doesn’t want to offend you and know that saying it would come off as uncaring.

You won’t have an answer for these moments, and he knows it. It’ll be best if you just hold him tight, stroke his hair if you’re laying down, and reassure him that you don’t care.

With how long he’s been alive, you’ll have to get past caring if you’re his “one true love” because he doesn’t have that. He gave up the right to having a one true love in exchange for never-ending life. But he still loves and he does love deeply, it just has a lot to cut through to properly be articulated.

So tell him. Tell him you know he’s had other loves, that you know you might not even be the best partner suited to him that he’s had. Tell him that you know when your time has come, he’ll find someone else eventually.

Tell him that what matters to you is that he loves you now, that he’s making things work with you now, and that he isn’t secretly yearning for some lover that’s come to pass or yet to come when he’s with you.

You can’t control what happened in the past or what happens in the future, but right now he’s yours and you’re his and he needs to learn to take things one lifetime at a time. Right now is YOUR Solomon time, and what happens after is just a consequence of time and you’ve already forgiven him for it.

instead of “mom says it’s my turn on the xbox” it’s “god says it’s MY turn on the Solomon”

send that to him for real and he’ll probably never forget you lol

How to Make a Relationship with Solomon Work

With all this in mind, the key to a good relationship with Solomon is keeping his head on his shoulders.

He’s ambitious, powerful, scary smart, and capable of so much more than you can even guess and he knows it. It’ll be good for him to have somebody to keep him on the ground.

Now, don’t be overbearing. If you try to stop him from going places or try to hinder his pursuit of knowledge out of fear for his safety, that’ll cause unbelievable strain on him. You will have to learn to let him work his things out the way he wants to, and it won’t always be the safest or most responsible way either.

He doesn’t mind a gentle scolding if he gets hurt. He won’t say it, but he kinda likes to be reminded how important he is to you.

Also be down to have fun and be a little reckless. Your safety will always be a priority to him, but nobody ever got anywhere without a little struggle, right? Sometimes adventuring with him and following him into the darkest magical corners of the world will require multiple (sometime literal) leaps of faith, but he’ll always be there to catch you.

Let Solomon work for you and the relationship, and you work to keep him sane and remind him that he can belong somewhere, even when he’s been himself for who knows how long and nowhere ever really stays the same.

You’ll always have to remind Solomon that not everything revolves around magic and power. He’s not been mortal for some time, so he gets caught up in the heady and lofty topics and ideas. 

Remind him about the simple joys of just having fun and goofing off, that not every moment not spent on homework has to be spent on potions. Remind him (in the human world) how cool a sunset is, or convince him to go through a museum and pretend he’s seeing everything for the first time. 

As much as he lives for understanding the grand topics most people can only dream of beginning to grasp, remind him of the little things. Remind him of human indulgences that he’s abandoned. Get him back in touch with that part of himself.

Solomon as a character feels like he’d be really aloof, but he’s honestly extremely devoted to what he invests his time in. He shows this devotion in small ways that feel more like riddles sometimes, in the way he always comes back after a rather dangerous magical excursion, in the way he shortens his time away so he can get back to you, in the way he learns to quiet his mind so he can properly take care of you and what you need and strengthen your relationship.

One thing that I think is a hallmark of a relationship with him is that Solomon loves things that can teach him more about what he doesn’t know. You don’t need to be the smartest person on the planet, or have a specialized and thorough education in some bizarre topic, or come from somewhere entirely different than what he knows to keep his interest.

You are uniquely human, and you help teach him about himself, the one thing that he can never seem to properly grasp and understand the way he wants to.

More importantly, you are you, the one who made pacts with all seven demon lords, the one captured his heart and promised to take care of it when you could throw it away for anybody else.

And you are the only one who could say those words that he believes. Hopefully, you’ll believe him when he says them, too.

[imagine-docx]

interested.

Summary: Being best friends with Bucky, he always thinks you’re trying to get with Steve, when in reality, that is far from the truth. [college!chubby!]

Warnings: Swearing.

A/N: helloooo, i know i have been practically dead. but post secondary really ain’t it chief. here’s a small chub buck fic before i go back into the void that is my 3 hour online zoom lectures. - amanda 💛

»»————-　★　————-««

First year religion, with Professor Hill was quite possibly the most boring class to exist, but hey, that’s how you met Bucky Barnes. First year religion was a mandatory course that you had to take for psychology, and Bucky had to take for history. During the first lecture Prof Hill made you turn to the person next to you and discuss ideas, which happened to be Bucky. 

The two of you felt so comfortable with each other, that you were always sitting next to each other during lectures, and eventually becoming the bestest of friends. To the point where you two spent breaks together, Friday nights together, hell he even came to a few of your classes, even though he shouldn’t be there as he wasn’t enrolled in them. 

Even Bucky was surprised at this close friendship. He always had the small thought in the back of his mind saying, “She’s just using you for an easy ninety. Once the semester is over, she’s gone.” But to his surprise, here you were in your fourth year, still as strong as ever. 

He could pinpoint the moment he realized he was in love with his best friend. 

Second year, it was a random party that Thor was holding around early November. You were wearing a basic grey long sleeved shirt, some dark blue ripped jeans, and a pair of heels. You were dancing with Nat and Wanda, and he felt the switch in him flip, and he saw you in an affectionate way.

Needless to say, he left the party and went through a crisis at two am in the back of an Uber, at his new realization. 

Since that day, he kept his feelings to himself. Not even telling his best friend Steve about the feelings he harboured towards you. 

He always felt insecure whenever he was around you. You were always glowing, even when you had no makeup on and were in sweats on the days you had 9 am lectures. You were always this ball of sunshine that anyone would be glad to hang out with. But here he was, stomach protruding over the top of his jeans, sweaters used to hide how thick his arms actually were, and all around embarrassed about the way he looks. You could never possibly like someone like him back.

»»————-　★　————-««

It was the rare Friday night, where the two of you couldn’t meet because you had a gender studies essay to write, and he had an essay due for ancient civilizations. But, of course, the two of you were on FaceTime.

“You going to Thor’s party tomorrow?” He asked, typing in his name and student number.

“Depends, I still have three readings and a discussion post over my head for Drax.” You responded, finishing up the last sentence.

“You should come, you’ve been pulling essays out of your ass since the semester started. You need to have some fun,” Bucky said, studying your face as you yawned.

“Perks of being a social science major,” you responded, making slight adjustments to your essay.

“Please?” He begged, “I need my best friend there.”

“We will see.”

»»————-　★　————-««

God, three years later, and he still didn’t understand how you pulled off every look possible. Last night you were in one of his hoodies, hair greased, and no makeup on. Today you were pulling off a slightly oversized band tee, some ripped jeans, hairstyled and effortless makeup.

“Didn’t expect you to be around here, thought Drax owned you tonight” Bucky jokes.

“Thought about it. But a certain Brooklyn boy talked me into coming. There’s always pulling an all nighter tomorrow night,” you said, taking a drink from your cup.

“Glad to know I am useful.”

The two of you spent a good chunk of time talking by the bar. The two of you didn’t stop until Sam pulled him away for some beer pong. 

You debated going over to your friend group, but from where you were, it looked like they were wasted out of their minds. And talking to them will probably result in them drunkenly saying that you should fess up and admit your crush to Bucky. And knowing your exact luck, he would be around, and that would be a hard hole to dig yourself out of. 

You decided that you were gonna get some peace in the kitchen. You were sitting on one of the counters, hearing drunken screams, while scrolling through Instagram. 

“You know, it would be easy to tell him how you feel,” you look up to match the voice to the person, only to see Steve.

“And I am assuming Nat did some drunk mumbling to you,” you mumbled, looking down into your cup.

“Or anyone with eyes could see the way the two of you look at each other,” Steve said, leaning against the fridge next to the counter you sat on.

You let out a sigh, “He doesn’t see me in that way. I’m just his best friend.”

“He looks at you like you hung every single star in this galaxy. I should know, I was told I look like that when I look at Nat.”

You laughed and punched him in the bicep, “At least the loverboy admits it.”

Bucky was looking for you, passing by the kitchen he saw that you and Steve were smiling, laughing and talking. He never realized how much of a couple the two of you looked like. Absolutely perfect for each other.

He felt nauseous and decided to head home. Of course you wouldn’t like him, you liked guys who were fit, like Steve. An absolute sweetheart, like Steve. Someone who could care for you, like Steve. Steve.

»»————-　★　————-««

The next morning, he saw that you were calling and kept the talking to a minimum, saying he didn’t feel good and hung up.

He needed to get his feelings in check before he exploded. 

From then on, he always scheduled stuff with Steve too. You deserved it.

You deserved happiness, even if it was with Steve and not him. 

He would make coffee dates on campus, and never show up. Or invite you for movie night at the apartment, and at the absolute last second ‘have his shift extended’ at work.

»»————-　★　————-««

At some point, he just started blatantly ignoring you. From phone calls, to texts, to even practically running away from you.

The last straw for you was the day your sociology professor let you go early for the day. And you were already feeling under the weather, so you just decided to head back to your dorm, and spend the rest of your day taking it easy. 

While you were walking down the tunnel from your class, you saw an all familiar head of hair walking in the opposite direction. You shouted his name several times, and practically ran after him. And you knew he saw and heard you, but continued to walk away from you.

You finally stopped, realization hitting you. He doesn’t like you anymore, and you don’t know what you did. You took a deep breath, turned around and walked back to your dorm.

You sat on your bed, confused as to what the fuck you did to him for him to do this. At that point, you gave him the space he wanted. You stopped texting him, calling him, even going over to his apartment.

»»————-　★　————-««

What caused Bucky to do all of this? Two days prior, he finished his contemporary civilizations class and was on his way to the student centre to get something to eat before his colonial encounters class. 

When he walked into the centre, he was greeted with you and Steve sitting at a table, laughing about something, while drinking bubble tea. 

He felt something stab him in the chest. It’s supposed to be him. He’s supposed to be the one taking you out for bubble tea. He’s supposed to be the one making you laugh like that.

It was then he realized, he didn’t set up this meeting. He drew the conclusion, that he pushed the two of you closer together, and that neither of them wanted him to know.

He knew he was acting childish. But he didn’t care.

»»————-　★　————-««

Since the encounter after your sociology class, you haven’t messaged him, called him, or even made the effort to see him. It was starting to bother him. He felt empty.

He missed the random texts he would get from you about something stupid in your readings. Or the ‘I accidentally watched too much Netflix, and my discussion post is due in an hour and I have NOTHING’ texts. Or you randomly calling in the middle of the night asking him if he wanted to meet up for milkshakes. 

All he would see was Instagram stories or posts of you. Whether it was you at a party getting wasted with your friends, or if it was you being cozy and studying, or you and your friends doing late night stupidity. He missed having you around.

Every single thought he has, would be of you. What were you doing? Who were you hanging out with? Did you get enough sleep? Did you eat anything for the day?

He eventually decided to start essays early just so his thoughts weren’t fogged by you.

»»————-　★　————-««

Bucky was wrapping up his notes on his latest reading. As he closed his textbook, he felt something collide with the back of his head. He turned around to see Steve sitting on his bed. “What?”

“Why are you ignoring her?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bucky turned back around.

“You damn well know what I am talking about. So, answer the question, why are you ignoring her?” Steve asked.

“Why do you care? That’s your girlfriend.” Bucky seethed. 

A laugh erupted from Steve, “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Then why do the two of you act like it.” He muttered.

“Because she’s giving me pointers on asking out Nat,” he responded, “I bet you feel so stupid.”

Bucky turned back around in shock, “Wait, you’re not dating her?”

“Never was. It’s cute seeing how jealous you are,” Steve said, getting up, “Go get your girl.”

»»————-　★　————-««

Bucky has never sprinted out of his apartment so fast. He was about to walk up the stairs leading to your dorm, when he was about to open the door, the door opened revealing Carol. “Oh hey Buck. What are you doing here? You know she moved out like last month right?” she asked.

He never realized that you left the dorms, hell he didn’t even know where you were now. “Oh yeah, force of habit.” He nervously laughed.

“Anyways, I’m late for my date. Tell her I said hi!” She said walking off.

»»————-　★　————-««

Bucky returned to the apartment and was pacing around. He didn’t know where you could have gone. Nat and Wanda had no space, so you wouldn’t be there. Your parents were way too far out, and you wouldn’t want to commute all the way back. His mind was running through possibilities. 

Steve and Sam were just looking on at the spiral that was occurring in front of them. “Does he…?” Sam asked.

“Nope.” Steve responded.

“Ah.” Sam responded.

“Where could she have gone though? I don’t get it.” Bucky said to himself. 

“Can I tell him?” Steve asked.

“Nah.” Sam said.

“Wait, you guys know where she is? Why don’t you tell me?” Bucky said with despair laced in his voice. 

Sam sighed, “Nat and Wanda.”

And with that Bucky practically sprinted out the door. 

»»————-　★　————-««

Wanda and Nat were out for the night, leaving you in the living room finishing up your essay for sociology. Wrapping it up, you slapped the submit button, and headed for the shower.

Upon getting out and changing into some sweatpants and hoodie, you were contemplating what you wanted to eat. Until you heard a knock on the door, confused, you opened it to Bucky, you were about to close it but he managed to let out a, “Can I talk to you?”

You were about to say, “No.”

But once you heard his voice cracked, when he said, “Please,” your heart broke, and accepted talking to him.

»»————-　★　————-««

The two of you sat on top of the building overlooking the city. Bucky was looking at the view of the city, whereas, you were sitting on the bench. 

He took note that you were shivering, and he shrugged off his jacket, wrapping you up in it. You were trying to shrug it off, when he said, “You’re gonna get sick.” You accepted that he was probably gonna tie you up in it so you don’t take it off, so you kept it on.

“So why did you ignore me?” You said, looking down at your feet.

“I thought you were dating Steve, and I got jealous. I know I pushed the two of you together, but I still couldn’t bear the thought of him being the one dating you.” He muttered, taking a seat next to you.

“Wait, you were jealous? Why?” You asked, confusion laced your voice.

“I really like you, god I’ve liked you for so long and you deserve someone better than me. Someone who’s fitter, someone who’s better looking, someone you would want to be seen with.” He said, looking down at his feet, hair falling into his face.

You pushed the hair out of his face, “No. I deserve someone who is willing to pick me up for burgers and milkshakes at 3 am. I deserve someone who is willing to drop anything they're doing to come and spend time with me. I deserve someone who would respond to my psych readings, even though they aren’t in my program. I deserve you.”

“You like me?” Bucky stammered.

“Wasn’t it obvious?” You asked. “I thought me calling you at three am because I missed you was obvious.

He wrapped his arm around you and pulled you closer, kissed your hair before muttering an, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m only accepting your apology under one condition,” you said.

He looked at you with the biggest eyes ever. Ready to do anything you even asked for. “Get bubble tea with me?” You asked.

“How about tomorrow we take a trip out of the city, to a zoo or aquarium, and bubble tea?” He said with pleading eyes.

“Only if it’s a date,” you said smiling at him.

“Anything for you.” he said, finally leaning into kiss you.

[dipplie]

This is how I cope don’t @ me

1: Top 3 pets you wish to have Bunny, Mouse, pet bee 2: Top 3 Disney Movies Tangled, Zootopia, and a close tie between The Princess and the Frog and Wreck it Ralph 3: Top 3 OTPs Nick and Judy (I’m not a furry), honestly probably the other pairings from my 3 (4) favorite movies like Felix and Calhoun or Tiana and Naveen or whatever 4: Top 3 pick up lines Pick me up- no literally please just carry me around like sweep me off my feet no like ACTUALLY like ju- 5: Top 3 summer activities Lying in the grass, listening to music on the swings, drinking from the neighbors sprinklers because you didn’t bring water on your walk 6: Top 3 school memories    -Once in 5th grade we were doing an egg drop, and I put mine off till the day before, so my parents just gave me a jar of peanut butter, and I just put the egg in the jar, and when they dropped it from the school roof it exploded all over the pavement and left a stain for years.    -Another time in 9th grade, a couple friends and I wrote a giant “send nuds” in the snow beneath my friends next class’s window, and some other kids took a picture of it and spread it around, and like the whole school was talking about it for a day or two (though we denied it was us so we didn’t get in trouble).    -And in 12th grade the last day of the 3rd semester, my AP Psych teacher said “you know you guys might not come back after spring break since the covid-19 virus might come to America.” And half the class was like: “I hope so we don’t have to come back haha.” And then we went into lockdown for a year 7: Top 3 things you find attractive Being looked at, Being talked to, Being touched at all oh my go d 8. Top 3 shops I dunno man can I say Build-a-Bear Workshop I’ve never been there 9: Top 3 romantic dates Theme park, Aquarium, Build-a-Bear Workshop 10: Top 3 drinks Milk, Milkshakes, the color purple 

11: Top 3 spices/herbs oh my god im too white for this question I think doritios are spicy, SALT 12: Top 3 apps to use not tumblr 13: Top 3 months of the year not winter 14: Top 3 clothing items Skirt, Bows, Thigh-highs 15: Top 3 kinds of flower Daffodils, Buttercups, Dandelions (yes I’m aware they’re a weed) 16: Top 3 Christmas movies Home Alone 1, Those stop motion rudolph ones, the original grinch 17: Top 3 things you don’t/Won’t miss Angsty middle schoolers, Angsty high schoolers, Angsty people 18: Top 3 games Minecraft, Stardew Valley, All the Zelda games between 2002-2009 19: Top 3 binge perfect tv shows I really don’t watch actually T.V. shows I just watch anime sometimes maybe and youtube series man 20: Top 3 kinds of candy Butterscotch, Chocolate coins, Those little pebble chocolates that looks like fish tank rocks 21: Top 3 ways to exercise/be active Well I have an answer, but I don’t think I can say it~ 22: Top 3 spirit animals (I’ve heard something about this being possibly racist so I’ll approach this wish caution) Bunnies, Lambs, a pet rock 23: Top 3 petnames Honey, Muffin, Sweetheart 24: Top 3 places you’ve been to A yearly carnival my old town had once a year, Disney World even though I almost drowned there, The Arcade in my old town called Bananas 25: Top 3 most used websites Youtube, Tumblr (regrettably), Pintrest 26: Top 3 people you last texted My boyfriend, my friend, my co-worker friend 27: Top 3 hashtags you use imagine using the tags how they’re supposed to be used 28 Top 3 items you can’t leave the house w/o clothes (i’m really funny) 29: Top 3 guilty pleasures I write self-insert sometimes I guess 30: Top 3 subjects of study/classes to take Psychology, Sociology, certain art classes 31: Top 3 things to draw/doodle My OC’s, My friends, inappropriate stuff 32: Top 3 aesthetics Cottagecore, Bloomcore, Wonderland 33: Top 3 things you’d buy if you gained three million dollars Pretty things, Cute Clothes and stuffed animals, therapy 34: Top 3 ways to treat yourself Buying pretty things, Wearing cute clothes and holding stuffed animals, therapy 35: Top 3 cartoon crushes Kyoya from OHHC, Mako from Kill La Kill, Marceline/Marshall Lee 36: Top 3 things to do in the snow Draw in it, make snow sculptures, eat it 37: Top 3 accents to hear Russian, Spanish, idk spanish 2 38: Top 3 scents Vanilla, Cream, Strawberries 39: Top 3 things to do in the rain Sit in the car quietly, make out probably, cry 40: Top 3 cupcake flavors Chocolate, Chocolate 2, Chocolate 3 41: Top 3 fruits Cherries, Strawberries, Grapes 42: Top 3 holidays to celebrate Halloween, Christmas, Valentines 43: Top 3 embarrassing moments My friend jokingly revealing my weird self insert fanfic I wrote in middle school (that was gross don’t ask about it) to my friend group, getting a constant D- in AP Stats the whole semester and the whole class secretly knowing about it, wearing an oversized minecraft shirt in my 6th grade school picture 44: Top 3 crayola colors Seafoam, Canary, Cotton Candy 45: Top 3 things you hope to accomplish in college Get back into theater and actually be included and noticed, not cry in the bathroom, feel cared about by my classmates 46: Top 3 fanfictions you’ve read don’t ask me that you can’t ask me that the last fanfics i’ve read were in middle school  47: Top 3 people you miss right now My boyfriend, Two of my friends GJ, my dopamine  48: Top 3 fears Being hated, Being alone, Being abandoned 49: Top 3 favorite literary devices (oh god it’s been a minute hang on) Alliteration, Juxtaposition, Colloquialism 50: Top 3 pet peeves Saying one thing and doing another, trying to act like you’re being the bigger person by not choosing a side, constant self deprecation 51: Top 3 music artists AJR, 3OH!3, Fake Type 52: Top 3 bad habits BFRD OCD, speaking before I think, lately I’ve been lashing out  53: Top 3 ice cream flavors Cookie Dough, Bubblegum, Cheesecake 54: Top 3 meals you love Bread and cheese, cheese with bread, I like dairy and bread 55: Top 3 things you want to say to someone in your lifetime Where are we going, What are we gonna do, what are you doing onii-chan (im so sorry) 56: Top 3 dog breeds Small, fluffy, actually a cat 57: Top 3 TV shows from your childhood The Amazing World of Gumball, Courage the Cowardly Dog, y’all remember Might Bee??? 58: Top 3 languages you speak/wish to speak Better French, More ASL, I guess Spanish would be useful 59: Top 3 series (book, movie, television) I like the first couple Saw movies but then it went kind of downhill, I eventually stopped keeping up with SU ad AT but they have lesbians now and we love that, and I guess I read Warrior Cats in middle school. 60: Top 3 pizza toppings Cheese, ???, that’s all I need 61: Top 3 youtubers you’re subscribed to Markiplier, Erolds Story, Wilbur Soot 62: Top 3 tattoo / piercing ideas Little Flower earrings, Little flower tattoos, Little flower stuff 63: Top 3 awards you want to win love trust and affection  64: Top 3 emojis 🍄🐝🍋 65: Top 3 things you’d do differently have different parents 66: Top 3 places to be in the world In love, Back up, Purgatory  67: Top 3 things you miss about being a kid Lack of responsibility and pressure, Mental illness, Lack of shame 68: Top 3 baby names Penelope, Theodore, Sofie 69: Top 3 smoothie combos/flavors Grape, Strawberry, Cherry 71: Top 3 turn ons People being patient with me, People treating me equally, Being touched kindly at ALL 72: Top 3 turn offs looking like Tyler1 73: Top 3 recipes you want to try Sugar spice and everything nice 74: Top 3 dream jobs Primary School Teacher, Child Consoler/Therapist, I dunno being a storytime animator sounds nice... 75: Top 3 lucky items Fidget Toys, Stuffed Animals, Random Office Supplies (you know the ones)

[ruoyeming]

My Top Ten Anime, a chaotic list

This was so hecking difficult, I’m gonna have to do some ‘honourable mentions’ for ones I can’t bring myself to leave out. This list is based entirely on my personal feelings, not an objective assessment of what are logically the best anime. There also may be mild spoilers at points because I can’t control myself. Doing this in quarantine cause I looove ranting about things I like.

10) Attack On Titan

This was the first anime I ever watched, and it blew my mind a bit tbh. The music is iconic, and the animation is great as well. It might have been a bit harrowing for my first experience with anime, but I absolutely loved the story. It’s set in a world where titans (man eating giants) have driven the dregs of humanity to live within giant stone walls. There’s a group of humans trying to research titans, kill them, and protect humanity, and the main character decides to join them after a titan breaks through one of the walls and his mother is eaten. It’s one of those where you think you know everything and suddenly the world gets turned upside down by a new discovery. All the puzzle pieces start fitting together the longer you watch, and you find out that everything going on is much bigger than what it originally seemed (government conspiracy time lads). The plot twists are unpredictable (for me at least) and devastating, and the emotion this series evokes is awesome - you can FEEL the sheer desperation of the characters, their rage and despair as they fight again and again against a seemingly unending enemy. Despite almost every battle being a suicide mission and despite too many losses, the characters keep going out of the human need to survive and protect. 

10/10 for brutality and gore, but also theme of hope.

9) Naruto

A founding father of anime. Surprisingly not one of the first I watched, in fact it took me a few years to start. It’s set in a feudal Japan where ninjas are the defenders and servers of the people, and different villages have different ninja styles. Naruto is a young boy with a dangerous spirit sealed inside him which has caused him to be shunned by society (even though it’s not his fault??), and he wants to become a ninja. First off I’m a sucker for the Naruto archetype: dumbass, cocky, obnoxious, but kind and loyal too. Years of solitude and ostracisation as a child mean that Naruto desperately wants people to acknowledge him, and he intends to become the Hokage to prove himself. There’s a huge range of characters and villains, all with cool ninjutsus and different philosophies. Friendship, power, and determination are some of the main themes and it makes me so proud to see my son *COUGH* Naruto progressing and learning from his mistakes. It IS a long boi though and I haven’t even finished Shippuden yet, but I think Naruto captures the essence of shounen anime and is a great underdog story. Manga is lit too. 

10/10 for cool battles and great characters.

8) Psycho Pass

One of the earlier anime I watched, and it became an instant favourite for the way it makes you question morality. It’s set in a kinda dystopian future Japan, where a technology called the Sibyl System checks people’s mental state and determines their ‘crime coefficient’ - how likely they are to commit a crime. The main character is a young woman who joins the police and begins to realise that blindly following this system is perhaps not the best way to go about things. For example, they have special guns that automatically kill people whose crime coefficients are over a certain level, but she soon proves that you can easily lower someone’s coefficient by talking them down and negotiating instead of killing them off immediately. It’s got great drama, great government conspiracy, compelling villains, and some really badass characters. It pushes the question of what is right or wrong, and how far technology should go when it comes to justice. 

10/10 for sociological debate and horror elements.

7) One Punch Man

OPM is an anime that stands out for me, partially for mocking the tropes of battle anime, and partially for the uniqueness of the main character’s predicament. It’s set in Japan where heroes and villains exist, and the protagonist is a man called Saitama who gained superstrength after doing 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats, and a 10K run every day. However he’s become so strong that he can defeat every enemy with a single punch. Nothing is a challenge for him anymore so he becomes depressed and unfulfilled; he’s still a good man who helps people, but he feels he’s missing something from his life. A cyborg called Genos makes Saitama his master, determined to learn his ways and they become friends. It’s one of the first anime that made me laugh out loud; it’s funny and entertaining, but also shows us that power is not equal to happiness. 

10/10 for moral lessons and good jokes.

6) Tanaka-kun is Always Listless

The only slice of life anime on this list and not very well known, however it has a special place in my heart. The main character Tanaka is a boy who dozes off constantly and acts exhausted when awake; he loves expending as little energy as possible. His best friend Ohta looks out for him and essentially makes sure he doesn’t get lost/ be late/die on a daily basis, including carrying him when he just falls asleep sometimes. Although Tanaka seems uncaring, it’s shown that friendship isn’t a bother to him, and he realises that he actually relies on his friends despite saying he likes being left in peace. His friends all have great personalities, my personal faves are a tough gangster girl who’s rude to everyone EXCEPT her adorable loli girlfriend, and a popular girl who’s trying too hard to fit in and starts to become more herself after befriending Tanaka. All the characters share one brain cell, and it’s genuinely a funny anime - I’ve burst out laughing watching it a few times. Also Tanaka and Ohta are extremely shippable if you want to go down that route; it’s said several times in the series that they’re like an old married couple. 

10/10 for wholesomeness and comedy.

5) Ouran High School Host Club

Another lighthearted show, probably the anime that’s made me laugh the most out of any. It’s set at an academy for rich-as-heck kids, and there’s a ‘Host Club’ where all the girls go to drink tea with a group of handsome boys. There’s the cunning Kyouka, prankster identical twins Hikaru and Kaoru, stoic Mori, adorable Honey, and princely but obnoxious Tamaki. Haruhi, a working-class scholarship student who is mistaken for a boy, accidentally breaks a precious vase and is forced by the host club to join them to pay off her debt. The group of boys realise fairly quickly that haruhi is a girl, but she becomes a popular host amongst the girls (LOVE the secret lesbian vibes) so they keep up the charade. I think I have a weakness for groups that share one brain cell because aside from Kyouka, they’re all idiots. I also love how flexible the show is with ideas of gender and sexuality despite being a slightly older anime. The daily antics of the host club combined with their personalities is a recipe for comedy, and they’re all lovable in their own ways. 

10/10 for characters, drama, and comedy; it’s well-paced too.

4) Bungou Stray Dogs

Set in an alternate modern Japan where some people have secret abilities that can be activated, this anime became an obsession when I first watched it. The cast of characters is amazing and the villains are awesome too. Atsushi is an orphan who discovers he can turn into a powerful tiger, and is hired by the Armed Detective Agency, a small organisation of powerful individuals who fight crime. NEED I SAY ANY MORE?? Many of the main characters share names with famous Japanese authors such as Osamu Dazai and Ryūnosuke Akutagawa which is really cool and something that might add to the story more if I had an understanding of Japanese literature. Anyways the main character Atsushi is kind of a wimp at first (understandably because the world of ability-users is actually terrifying), but he learns to stand up for himself and use his ability to save people. The show’s mixing of dark and comedic tones is perfect to me; one moment a character is off his head on mushrooms and the next Atsushi’s leg is brutally sliced off in a back alley fight (it regenerates later no worries). The plot is really cool and full of intrigue, and eventually you get the whole ‘Usually we’re sworn enemies but we’re forced to become allies in the face of a greater evil’ thing and it’s great! Turns out our main guy and our main bad guy are actually a pretty powerful and efficient team, hoho?? 

10/10 for supernatural detectives being super cool.

3) Yuri!!! on Ice

Y’all already know what’s going on. Ice skating, emotional breakthroughs, gay shit, HIT ME WITH IT. The story follows Yuri Katsuki, an insecure figure skater trying to regain his confidence, and his self-appointed coach Viktor Nikiforov. Viktor is enthusiastic in helping Yuri train, and Yuri has been a big fan of Viktor since his childhood *throws pillow across the room*. Yuri becomes determined to, quote, “surpass Viktor’s wildest imagination”, and they end up agreeing - through a series of convoluted events - to get married if Yuri wins gold at the olympics (I think it’s the olympics??). Either fuckin way this series has angst, humour, cuteness, and god DAMN did I get invested. When Yuri was doing his free skate my own heart was beating harder than it did when I finished a 10K. Love the vibes and also it’s the closest to full healthy gay representation that I’ve seen in anime for a while. Not much more I can say, but do I really need to say more???

10/10 for GAY and MY HEART

2) Kimetsu No Yaiba (Demon Slayer)

Ok this one’s kind of a cheat cause I’ve read the manga as well which is way ahead of the anime, but FUCC. It takes place in the Taisho Era in Japan (begins 1912), where Demons exist who eat people. Tanjiro Kamado’s family is killed by a demon one night and his sister Nezuko is turned into a demon - but it is soon discovered she’s different to other demons, and can restrain herself. Tanjiro joins the Demon Slayer Corps to try and track down a cure for his sister, while proving that demons are not inherently evil. I LOVE Tanjiro as a main character because he values kindness over everything else, not forgiving demons for their sins but recognising they are tormented creatures, trying to give them peace before they die. All demons were once human - a fact that only Tanjiro seems to remember when fighting them. He’s patient, gentle, and determined - hotheaded and brash sometimes, but he has this vibe that just makes people become his friend/respect him even if they don’t intend to. He befriends two other slayers - Inosuke, an absolutely feral Best Boy who was raised by wild boars, and Zenitsu, a cowardly but ultimately loyal guy. This trio works really well together and Tanjiro is a great protagonist. Don’t even get me STARTED on the music and animation. Impeccable. Kamado Tanjiro No Uta makes me cry every time I hear it, and the water/fire effects used to show the metaphorical way the swords move like the elements takes my breath away.

10/10 for morals, music and animation.

1) Mob Psycho 100

Where the fuck do I start here. This anime is so unique in its style, story, and characters that I think it will always be my favourite. It follows Shigeo Kageyama (nicknamed Mob cause that’s what they call extras and background characters in Japan), a plain boy with incredible psychic powers that explode when his emotions are too high. Over time he’s learned to suppress his emotions, causing him to become socially inept and emotionally withdrawn. His (fake) psychic ‘master’, Reigen, uses him to make money exorcising spirits, making Mob believe that it’s for ‘training’. Mob appears naive at times, but he is so simply kind to people that it makes my heart hurt. Unlike many of the egomaniac psychics that Mob comes across, he recognises that without powers, he is just an ordinary boy. Mob’s greatest power isn’t his OP psychic abilities, but his power to show people they can change, that he can change. He forgives (and eventually befriends) people who have tried to kill him. Redemption and empathy are big themes here and they’re done really well.

The other characters are so well rounded and are also given time to grow, including Reigen - at first he’s a seemingly manipulative sleazebag, but later you see that he is a genuinely good man who has taught Mob many lessons and helped him grow up. This is a core message - Mob’s ability to change is due to support from his friends, not purely his own desire - people need other people!

This is also one of the true rarities in anime where the second season is absolutely just as good (if not better!) than the first one. The music is unique to the show, the ops for both seasons get me litty, the animation is incredible, the jokes are great and although it’s not all about big-ass fights, when we do get a big-ass fight it’s so fucking cool. The fight sequences are beautifully animated and visually stunning. MP100 makes me laugh, cry like an actual baby, and want to become a better person. Idk I could literally write pages on it like the big nerd I am but that’s all I’ll do for now.

10/10 for literally everything.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Given : about a boy who joins a band which helps him work through his trauma. Lovely healthy gay representation and themes of healing.

Samurai Champloo : ragtag trio consisting of two samurai - one lowkey feral and does breakdancing, the other lofty and withdrawn - and a bold young girl. Themes of friendship and journeys. I simp for the lofty samurai.

Cowboy Bebop: jazzy music, bounty hunters in space, 90s anime WHAT MORE COULD U WANT. Yet another group of characters that share a single brain cell. Love it.

[chaoticlamphoagietaco]

2020?

Well what can I say, it seems like it’s ending with a bang, but there’s still two months left.

Biden is president, and trump has yet to retaliate, I wonder what that’s going to look like.

My boyfriend and I are having sexual issues, or rather I’m seeing issues in our sexual habits.

It feels one-sided, I please him (he cums), he pleases me and I don’t cum. It’s frustrating because I’ve seen him go on hikes, talk to people for hours, if you can be active in this way, why is it difficult to just suck my dick for like 30? I understand if you lock jaw, but over the course of our relationship, sex has been me being patient and him getting off. It’s hard to maintain sexual interest, and maybe that’s why my mind goes in these fantasies. I’m almost at the point where if we have anal, I know where gonna end up jerking off... maybe I’m asking for too much, or maybe I’m just tired of being patient.... I wanna see if he will be open to swinging, or wearing a long dildo for a couple of days to resolve the issue, but I’m not sure how he will respond, or when this conversation will happen. I’m hoping that Sunday will be the day but I’m not sure.

I miss my mother, I feel her trying to reach me but I struggle to connect to her spirit. There’s so much unsaid, that it’s hard to equate the relationship to only a spiritual level. I... don’t know what I would say. Am I angry for the suppression. Of my dance enthusiasm? Am I upset because I never told her I was gay? Am I upset because she’ll never see the fruition of my dreams?

Ri

Speakings of, I don’t know my dreams,p anymore.... or rather they feel like they are transforming. I wanted to be a research analyst after falling out of love with psychotherapy and sociology, but I realized what that actually meant. Research analyst is a broad term, that can encompass a business, health centers/organizations, government, and nonprofit. And essentially these are all the sectors you. And work for other than a school which I do not want to do. Through my conversation. With NASA I found more about becoming a data analyst, and while the salary was enticing I realized that was a computer science that didn’t incorporate sociology or psychology like I had hoped. When I stumbled upon market/marketing research analyst I was hooked. I knew that finance and accounting wasn’t my passion, but marketing itself wasn’t either. Marketing has been largely traditional, and digital marketing is basically a new field. I think this is why I made the decision to transfer my major so hastily, it encompasses everything I was searching for with program evaluation, I can conduct research based on consumer intelligence which incorporatess social psychology, and have the promising effects of impact. Or in other words, my research will be used and considered valuable to the company I’m working for or working with. In program evaluation, sociology and psychology, the effect that your research has is truly perceptional and has a large ambiguity around its impact. You can go 4-10 years without achieving a goal you intended, which is expected and encouraged in some situations. On top of all this, withi program Evaluation and psychology there’s an expectation around the support you give in the exchange. Not only am I conducting research for MBH, but we (the school) are helping the business attract African America. Participants to their establishment, which can be done in so many different ways, it would take. A considerable amount of money, resources, and process and attention needs to be there if you want to achieve an impact. How can this be achieved when the business in itself is not liable for its own pretentiousness? Or it’s own self-processing that I can’t change? Thankfully, with marketing I get the best of both worlds. I can incorporate my social psychology background, while also attending to my creative side in branding, and even furthermore conducting meaningful research that is almost guaranteed to have an impact (since if I don’t, I’m not doing my job well haha) and will be used as vital data for profitability will not only motivate me to take the job, my peers, and the business seriously, but will also compensate me tremendously well, I mean it’s very lie,oh that in 2-3 years time I could be making a 6 figure salary. With this in mind, I feel Clarity around my occupational pursuits, but as for my dreams... that’s another story...

My dance past is struggle to bring up, even typing....,

I was so close, yet everything was taking from me, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

With this, I keep falling in and out of love with dance, I watch a video and I feel inspired to dance again. I’m feeling more drawn to Alonzo Lines ballet, Nunes, and of course my all time favorite Batsheva. But watching hip hop videos make me cry, it reminds me of what I use to be, what I could have become, and how many friends I’ve lost along the way. Dance is brutual, forcing vulnerability and deep connection within a short period of time, I’m not sure how I to come back to it but I’m getting more inspired to. My roommate doesn’t make me feel comfortable eno to explore my creative side, but when me and bf live together, I hope I can feel more comfortable and start recording myself more often, the encouragement he brings is so ephemeral, I’m lucky to have him. But I know that at the least, if I came back to dance, I outdone be more interested in dance film, and being inside of that industry rather than concert dance, sinner the world is kind of moving into a digital world, definitely open to site specific work, given the right amount of viewers and support of course,

For my other dreams that are transforming, I know want to become marketing manager, and possibly a yoga teacher. I’ve gone back and forth with a yogic certificate, but I didn’t feel that I had enough practice, knowledge, or the right people to start with a subject like that. But fuck, I mean soooo many white people do it haha. I’m feeling more motivation for this certificate since I realized that I can make friends this way. I can find like minded people who practice, engage in processing, and are willing to go into platonic physical interactions, since I’m also realizing this is crucial for me in any platonic relationship. If this program started progressing, this could become a business that provides an income, I met awesome people, and I can a lot of ppl along the way. Downsides are of course if the business collapses, but I would gain knowledge in Hinduism which I’ve been wanting but unsure how to engage in.

What’s serendipitous though, is that the the timing of marketing could not be better, a program has a date right after my classes end, I can attend their classes, then continue my spring courses, and work a full time job and on my way to 6 figures. There’s so many resources and side that this transition feels right and meaningful, I’m feeling good about this change, I just hope I won’t want to change again 5 years from now.

Hinduism and Buddhism.... my practices and faith have been wavering, after Naropa, my experience with Buddhism is a bit tainted, maybe I need to go to retreat again and release any energy surrounding my mother, but other factors play a part. The prentiousness, the fake smiles, that school had a lot of problems, but none more so than racism pure and simple. This is why I love Virginia, racism over there is overt and blatant, I know who the racist is and I know where not to go. Here in boulder, everybody will smile at you, and you don’t know who is truly being racist, you have to really read behind the lines and analyze to understand the truth of what somebody is saying, I mean the school burned down on its own so I think my wishes are being granted... I don’t know where this leaves me with Buddhism, Charlotta was amazing, and I want to attend her classes, but something always holds me back and I don’t know what. In regards to Hinduism, my yoga sequence has pretty much been the only stabilizing thing in my life. Through all the obstacles and trauma, maintains these practices have really kept me balanced through whatever comes my way, although I have been slacking I some ways, I’ve also been progressing in chakras, balancing, and following a routine. Maybe in this way, Buddhism is something for me to contemplate, maybe Hinduism is what I want to talk about...there it is, Buddhism is my process and Hinduism is my faith. Shiva will always be my everything, in not sure why on that mountain, or even if I made a connection, but that trip to Japan truly changed me, and I want to follow a Shiva path that is right for me, I just wish I had someone to help guide me, but that might make things harder.

[saundraswriting]

Hercules Chapter Three

SUMMARY:The Case continues with some interviews of the victims families. Morgan and Reid work on the Geological Profile. Reid begins pushing himself hard, and Morgan is the one to calm Reid down. It only works for a little bit when the realization hits the entire team that with the lack of connection and the breakthrough Reid finds, Reid will be the one to solve the case by working himself to death.

WARNINGS: Maybe slight self-harm? Spencer is pushing too hard.

Previous // Next

Hotch and Gideon were on their way to Leonard Davis' home. Mrs. Mary Davis, his mother was their interviewee. "Mrs. Davis, are you home? My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am with the BAU at the FBI. I wanted to ask you a few questions." Hotch said loudly.

"Hold your horses. I'm coming. Haven't I answered enough questions? but come in, come in." Mary held the door open, and only Hotch's years of experience prevented his flinch. Her blonde hair was falling out if its clip, she was dressed in a teal cami and black yoga pants. She had deep bags under her eyes and a half empty bottle of gin in her left hand.

"Hello. I'm Mary. If we could hurry this up, I have a lot to do yet." Mary stood by the sink, took a swift swallow of the gin and dumped the rest down the drain. "Self-medication was okay for a little, but time continues on and so should I"

"He was in the top 15 of his class. He was going to do great things I just knew he would. I was so happy to find out that his meds were working and that he liked them. " Mary's voice was as soft as the wind.

"Medications for what?" Hotch asked?

"Depression. His best friend was his sister. She was killed by a drunk driver when she was 16. He was 13. she had left in a hurry when we were fighting over the divorce announcement. After words I sent Leo to a therapist to help with the issues he was going through. I figured it couldn't hurt, right? Turned out he really liked going. Sorted out a lot of problems that Leo was having at the time. Things looked like there were turning up and then he turned 15. He began reading, psychology, sociology, Buddhism, Hinduism.  He would question me randomly, about my thought on God and the state of the world and Creationism among other things. Please remember I wouldn't have even noticed had I not gone into his room the night he was murdered. I saw the books and I understood. Leo was lost and confused, all I did to help was hand him over to a therapist.  I never forced him to go to church with me, I let him return to therapy seeing it may help him. Then 3 weeks later Leo is found strangled to death." Mary sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "Are we done here? I don't want to talk about Leo anymore. I have several appointments today as well. "

"We don't have any more questions for you.  Thank you for your time, Mary. If you need us please call." Gideon said, handing over his and Hotch's card.

"Good day to you as well." Mary walked them out.

Hotch and Gideon arrived at the station a few minutes after Morgan and JJ returned from their interview with Lucy Basset. They walked into Spencer's cave  where coffee cups littered the table.

"Pretty Boy, got anything?" Morgan asked.

"Yeah, sit please. I talked to Garcia and if this doesn't check out. then we'll move on. First, you guys; what did you find out?" Spencer pointed to the seats round the table.

"Ophelia resents the fact that her dad died. vocally questioned God. Mom is on meds and Ophelia's been running the household since she was 16." Morgan explained.

"Leo was a great student. Was in therapy for the divorce + death of his sister. Leo was researching psychology, sociology, Buddhism, and Hinduism. He was vocal but not drastically so." Gideon explained. Reid's eyebrows rose but wrote the observations in the notes taped to the wall opposite of the maps.

"Ophelia refused to light the candle of her father's shrine Lucy made. Besides that, I am not seeing any family involvement." JJ mentioned.

"Which makes sense considering the amount of violence the victims suffered But it wasn't torture becasue it wasn't for a period of time, the cause of death is the only wound on them. So not a sadist, not family, does that mean we have a run-of-the-mill serial killer whose delusional we need to crack?" Morgan ground out through his teeth, frustrated.

"I may have suspects. It's a long shot but worth a try. Garcia found two people in the 20 Mile radius of the image the relevant sites make that have RR as their initials. I labeled and mapped out the relevant places: Potential kill site based of distance, the dump sites and family homes. When I get the actual kill sites I can narrow it down more-anyway-I feel like I'm missing a link, a piece to the puzzle. The map isn't looking right at all. I did the locations in order from oldest murder to most recent and in crime order so family home to kill site to dump site. It will get more accurate with more information. I know that with the mass of uncertainties that we have right now, this is going to take a while but it is the biggest help we have. Feel free to look in here if you need anything, this map will update as I get information. I will keep working on this. There may be a pattern." Spencer rambled quickly. He gulped out of his coffee cup.

"Sirs and madame, we have the official kill sites now. Forensics gave us a very close locale adn we checked them out to get the exact coordinates. I have them for you Agent Reid." A uniform handed out a list of places to each of the BAU.

"Come here." Reid demanded. The two consulted the map for a few quiet moments and then the purple marks were moved. Reid's key gained a new color: Orange for new information and the black got changed to permanent. The team took the pause to gather their thoughts. Morgan used the table speaker to call Garcia.

"Garcia, any new info on our possible suspects"

"Well, hello, to you too, Chocolate Bar."

"Hey mama. Please give me something good."

"Well you are down to one. Numero dos has been found in jail-GTA. Numero uno is worth a shot." She rattled of an address. Hotch jotted it down and left.

"Pretty Boy, anything else?" Morgan asked.

"No! Damn it, this case is residing on my ability to crunch numbers and find a pattern, on my geological profile. And I can't make rhyme or reason." Spencer ranted. Morgan grabbed Spencer and herded him out of the room.

"Break time. Get some coffee, sit and breathe, Spencer." Morgan began making a cup, pulling hazelnut creamer out of the fridge.

"No, Morgan! I need to get back in that room. This profile. is the only thing going for this case right now. There is no vicitmology, no sexual sadism, we really can't form a normal profile." Reid stated. He sipped at his coffee, eyes widening at the taste.

"Spencer, calm down man. you'll go into a anxiety attack if you keep worrying like this. Listen to me, everything will be fine. Ask a local uniform to get the distances if they can. After that begin your in-depth look at everything. You are fine, you're doing great. Chill out a little." Morgan soothed.

"Morgan, you wouldn't have but hazelnut creamer into my coffee, would you? Thank you, I don't deserve a friend like you. But right now, even the smallest pieces of paper, the smallest connection can help us." Spencer said.

"You can go back in, if you calm down. Promise me?" Morgan pleaded. Spencer nodded and sipped his coffee slowly.

Morgan  stood near Spencer, silent and still as a sentinel. He had a bad feeling about this case and they still had one family to interview.

"Morgan, Reid, I'm gonna visit the Brown's. Garcia said that Tabitha Well's parents are drug addicts won't be any help. They are in rehab and the program forbids visitors." Gideon said. Morgan nodded and helped Spencer stand straight. He was swaying slightly. Spencer yawned deeply. Morgan felt his concern for his friend grow.

"Let's go. We can get started looking at the G.P. Can I have a uniform please?" Morgan said. Matthew stepped forward. The trio walked into the map room.

"We need the exact distances between each point on this map. As soon as possible, please." Spencer paused "And each victim's personal effects. Tell me that you did search their rooms and houses." Spencer said.

"I believe so, at least as much as the families allowed. I'll be right back." Matthew smiled timidly at Spencer before leaving.

"Hey, man. Mr. Matthew is into you. You gonna jump on that?" Morgan teased. The name tasted sickly sweet and tangy on his tongue like new metal.

Spencer sighed and shook his head at Morgan's antics. He appreciate the never-ending support he had gained from the team when he came out as gay months ago. JJ and Garcia had been enjoying it the most though, they spent the evenings at the clubs and bars checking out the men and finding dance partners for the girls.

"I don't do case relationships. You know that. Why aren't you hitting Maddie up? She seems into you." Spencer shot back.

"No. I'm not, uh, feeling it now." Morgan answered. Spencer side-eyed him but didn't push the issue. Morgan exhaled in relief.

"So, I am thinking about the connection between victims will be unorthodox in comparison to a 'normal' serial killer. It will be something in common with the age group. 14-20 year olds- teenagers. Maybe they are in favor of a controversial topic. one of their generation's problems brought them all to the attention of the killer." Spencer rambled, writing under the victims: Atheism.

"Okay, they are high-school to college students from messed up homes all vocal about something their generation is facing. Drugs? Legalization of weed is a big problem, Colorado, Washington and the District of Colombia all legalized recently. Maybe the UnSub didn't want it legalized and saw them using in the open?" Morgan questioned aloud.

"Today, 90% of teenagers don't do drugs-including weed-, smoke tobacco, underage drinking. The majority of people gunning of marijuana legalization believe it is a victimless crime and unlike other substances aren't full of horrible chemicals. So no, that isn't it, I think. Not drugs, not war, not environment...Gay rights?" Spencer looked over at Morgan.

"Back up, boy wonder. Why not war and environment? And why write down Atheism?" Morgan's confusion drew Spencer's gaze once more.

"If our UnSub was against the current War, don't you think that there would have been something majorly different in his behavior? People that make statements dealing with War or politics blow coffee shops up, gas stations, malls. Large, obvious signals. If the victims were on either side, it would have been obvious even for the uniforms here. If it was environmental issues, they would have home set-ups: recycling on a very detailed scale, composting, gardens, homemade snacks, re-purposing of things. So far each victim has dealt with a devastating death close to them. When that happens, people in general turn to God, but each person in this case has turned away from God at some point at some level. A typical problem with many people of this age group is coming out to people that matter and if they will be accepting or rejected. So it could be both but from what I have heard about the families, victims, and their lives none were open or closeted Bisexuals, or Homosexuals. I am heavily leaning towards Atheism. We will know for sure when Matthew comes back with the evidence." Spencer rambled quickly, his words practically attached to one another. Morgan tilted his head and shrugged, agreeing with the young genius.

"Dr. Reid. I have the evidence you requested. Unfortunately we don't have anything to give you for distances. When we looked on G.I.S technology and the ones we used varied, so we validated the coordinates for you to calculate." Matthew explained from the doorway.

"Damn it. That is going to take me a while. Okay-Morgan go outside and sort through the evidence. Use social media of any type, journals, diaries, photos, to see if there is anything relevant or strange. I need to not be bothered while I do these calculations, they are going to be extensive." Spencer ordered, He turned to the map. He stilled, body tightening with a laser-like focus. Morgan chuckled softly and herded Matthew out the door.

"Okay. You heard Spencer. Lets get cracking. He is gonna work himself death on this. We can at least help." Morgan spoke to Matthew and the three other volunteers he had gathered along the way. Everyone grabbed a different tub and began sifting through the journals, pictures, and printed pages from social media.

************

Gideon arrived at the Brown's home. He knocked and patiently waited to be invited in. "Kimberly Brown? My name is Jason Gideon. I am an agent of Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. I have a few questions for you and you family. I shouldn't be too long." Gideon said entering the well designed home.

"Okay, Agent Gideon. I have a few minutes to talk. Come on in." Kimberly was dressed in a pencil skirt and blue button up shirt.

"I just want to know how Everett was before he died. How was he in school. Did someone close to him die?" Gideon asked. Kimberly grabbed two glasses and filled them with ice and water.

"Everett was a good student. Not the greatest, but he did well with football and baseball pre-seasons, season, and off-seasons. He was the star Quarterback for three years and and the star pitcher for two. He loved it. We were immensely proud. He was working on the final things to be ready for Oregon State University to play football for them and go into business and economics. It was the best thing that happened to us." Kimberly said. Gideon noticed that her tone was rather practiced and empty.

"Who were talking to? Cause that wasn't my brother. He did football for so long becasue you would disown him if he did. He wanted to be a doctor, Pediatrician specifically. He wasn't going to play at OSU. He decided his grades would be more important. Everett loved science. He never made a decision without thinking all the variables through." A male voice from the door said.

"Cameron. Enough." Kimberly snapped harshly.

"He wrote me letters-emails really. I brought them with me. Some were really strange, written in a code or something? I'm not sure. With Mom into fashion design and Dad into the stocks, Everett really didn't have anyone to turn to. So he vented to me. He would even write the first word of the subject line: Ventilation so I knew not even to open those ones. I did sometimes anyway. I go to Columbus for English and History. I am a novelist. I felt that he may not want a response but he deserved to get one." Cameron explained nervously.

"Can we have those? They would be marvelous help. I know he recent death must be difficult but this could help find the murderer." Gideon pointed out. Cameron nodded his consent.

"I can show you his room? I know that the police would have taken things they found relevant, but the BAU is different, isn't it?" Cameron ignored his mother's protests and showed Gideon to Everett's room. The room was tidy, shelves and cube organizers were everywhere. Everything had a place but it seemed that the items didn't return instantly to its place. The room had small stacks of books here and there, probably from the overflowing bookshelf. The clothes were in the hamper, and the walls covered in pictures and collages. "We traveled a lot. Everett believe even if he was a science man, he should be creative with something. called it Art therapy. He did these all himself." Cameron explained.

"I am sorry. We work hard to stop these people but more just slip right through." Gideon looked around and on the desk saw a piece of paper with what looked to be gibberish. He picked it up to look closer.

"That may be true, agent Gideon. but at least you try. Hey, that is what the strange messages looked like." Cameron waved at the paper. Gideon put it in an evidence bag and nodded at Cameron.

"Thanks Cameron. We will keep you posted. If you need anything here's my card. Also at the police station." With that Gideon showed himself out, noticing the two cups from earlier were gone as was Kimberly. He continued to the station.

***********

"Okay, gather round, I've got something." Gideon said upon arrival.

"Me too. And Reid is working and said to not be disturbed. I will fill him in." Morgan said. A shout from the map room had them racing.

"Sorry. I just finished all those distance calculations. I had to do the distance between homes and kill sites, kills sites and dump sites, and homes to dump sites. I also did places last seen when they applied and kill sites. And the distances between the homes of the victims for information. That was 20 intricate equations. I had to validate each coordinate with my info and the police to make sure it was right....and I'm rambling." He cut himself off at Morgan's look.

"What did you find out Reid?" Hotch demanded.

"That it isn't a number compulsion. Each distance is different. And the points aren't making a closed shape, in any order. I rearranged this 6 different times but nothing made sense. I think I am missing a location. Or the homes isn't where they were picked from. Any evidence support home break-ins?" Spencer asked. Hotch shook his head. "So, it isn't the home that are important. That isn't the grab site. I need coffee." Spencer's stomach growled.

"And food maybe?" Morgan commented.

"I will be fine. Give me some more time and coffee and I will have more." Reid said leaving the room.

"Wait, you're a genius but you haven't had a breakthrough? What good are you?" Someone said sardonically. Reid and the rest of the team froze instantly; Reid from terror-that tone brought back awful memories and the team from reacting to Reid's tense body language. JJ and Morgan felt murderous.

"I am a genius, maybe-if an IQ of 187 reading 20,000 words per minute, holding three PhD.s, two bachelor degrees and working on a third is considered genius. But I don't like measuring intelligence with numbers and such. People refer to me as a genius, if that helps. I have just crunched out 120 intricate equations, 20 for each of the 6 different order I have arranged them trying to find a pattern. In my head. From this conversation alone I can tell your life story and I am trying to do the same for someone I have never met and leave me dead people to examine. I think what progress I and my team has made is more than you and your colleagues. Now, I was being nice, pleasant even. If this happens again, I can't guarantee that the two fully-certified murderous looking agents behind me won't do you bodily harm. So do me, you and everyone a favor and sit down and shut up." Spencer sassed. The room was deadly silent. Morgan couldn't (didn't) stop the proud smug look from settling on his face. His Pretty Boy just went Alpha Male on the local bully and Morgan couldn't be happier.

In the quiet Spencer made his coffee and returned to his room. He settled in a chair and rubbed at his temples drinking his coffee. Morgan looked in quickly and returned to JJ. "JJ, can you order some food. I don't know when the last time he ate was. He and us need something, anything. His sugar is getting high, too much sugar in one cup let alone several pots. Gideon, Hotch, I have something to share. Reid needs to hear this as well." the trio commented they'd be there in a minute.

Spencer stood in the middle of the room, hugging himself and trembling. Morgan stepped in close after shutting the door.

"Hey, Spence. You did awesome out there. You went all alpha on him and it rocked his world. Come on, sit down. You are fine. No one is gonna hurt you. I'm right here. He was an asshole and deserved the chewing out you gave him." Morgan sat Reid down and gave him a tight hug, exaggerating his breaths, trying to get Reid to catch on. Reid did, calming down slowly.

Spencer tensed slightly at the beginning of the hug but quickly reveled in the warm, human contact. Morgan and JJ and Garcia may touch him often and Gideon and Hotch less often but no one hugged him like this. He usually got fleeting touches, faint and quick as a butterfly's wing beat. Morgan may touch him the most but only claps on the shoulder, fingertips to a wound's dressing, a  guiding hand on his elbow. No one ever touched him like this; with love and kindness, with the purpose to comfort and share your troubles. 'Isn't that the purpose of hugs in difficult times? To share your burdens with a second pair of shoulders? To share your space with another human, to make the world more bearable?' Spencer thought. He opened his (when did they close?) closed eyes and caught a swirly ray of the sun covering part of Morgan's neck. He knew from tracing Morgan's with his eyes and his own with his fingertips the eight outer swirls and the larger middle one from memory, seeing it this close made Spencer anxious for reasons he didn't know.

Morgan felt Spencer stop trembling but tense up. Morgan only squeezed tighter. He was confused about his reactions to the young genius as of late. He could barely tolerate seeing the look of awe and admiration in Matthew's eye when Spencer spoke in general, the look only got worse with direct communication. Morgan didn't even really understand why he felt so protective of Reid either. He understood as friends you try to protect one another but Morgan was ready to tear the asshole from earlier (Thomas)'s head off so thinking so little of the genius. Morgan wanted to make sure Spence was cared for-eating healthy and sleeping right. He wanted to be the one to administer the human contact he knew Spencer needed. Not just the fleeting touches he gave out but hugs, wonderful hugs that lessened the pressure Reid felt from the world. He wanted to be near Spencer if only to watch him think then so be it. Morgan never felt this way about anyone before. He knew that this was beyond friendship he was feeling but wasn't sure what it was he felt for the Boy Wonder.

"Thank you Morgan. I needed that. I was really scared. I thought he might hit me." Spencer said as they broke apart.

"Do you need any help? I am not sure what I can do but I can sure as hell try." Morgan glanced around and realized that with the case looking the way it was, Spencer would be the one to solve it. He would synthesis the evidence, he would be the one to get the breakthrough, he would be the one ending up overworked, overstressed, malnourished and fatigued.

"No, I've got it. could you get me some...uh...food? Please?" Spencer asked hesitantly. Morgan laughed.

"JJ is already on it. We will give you updates if we get anything. I will be around if you need anything. Just take your time and work you magic. I found something earlier, I was going to tell Hotch and Gideon right now. You keep working. If we need you I'll get you." Morgan left and stepped to the right of the doorway, seeing Hotch and Gideon standing there.

"We believe these texts to Leo, Tabitha, Ophelia, Everett, the emails from Everett to Cameron, the diary of Ophelia are written in a code. We also believe that the note you got from Everett's room was the key. I think he was a recent addition to whatever group uses this code, no one else had a key. We need to use the  key to crack the code. Does anyone want to try?" Morgan asked Hotch and Gideon.

"Neither one of us would be able to do it in a timely manner. We know you are terrible with codes and riddles, Morgan. That leaves Reid and Garcia. JJ is having a rough time with the press right now." Hotch mused.

"Bring it all in here. You know that I am the best and really the only option."Reid called from his room.

"No, Spence, you have enough to do Garcia may have a program she can run." JJ said.

"You have to break the code first and then give it to her or she has to run all her programs on it. I can read 12 languages and am pretty smart I can at least break it quick. Hand it over." Reid strode out, sleeves rolled up and pen spinning in circles. A different persona than when he is calculating something where he has a specific formula and direct end goal, this is thinking-trying one idea to reject it and go to another. He needs to be loose, have no end goal planned.

Spencer began pacing and muttering, spinning his pen and pausing every once and while when a train of thought might lead somewhere. 15 minutes in and he stopped and looked up.

"It's pig latin." He said awestruck. Morgan internally sighed at the tone, it was usually followed by a statistic or random or obscure facts. Morgan wasn't wrong. "The single-page is a cheat sheet for most common transitions between English and Pig Latin. I mean a large number of the population can say they have heard of Pig Latin, smaller percentage say they have heard it, and an even smaller portion say they have ever spoken a word of Pig Latin. This is a great idea. It also means that whoever this correspondence was from or to is smart and manipulative. He had to know and be able to teach these kids Pig Latin, and to get them to use it willingly when talking about this group without brainwashing or violence is no easy feat. If they write in code then no sneaky parents will understand if they accidentally see it. Garcia should be able to help, I can if she can't." Spencer handed back the cheat sheet and return to his lair of maps and used coffee cups.

"Hey, man. None of them were open or closeted Bisexuals or Homosexuals. Leo and Ophelia were openly Pro-gay rights but I don't know about the others." Morgan said to his retreating back. Reid paused and turned.

"Nothing of relevance. So I was wrong. That word is around me more in the case than my life.  But at least we aren't dealing with homophobia or something, those cases are touch and go. So it has to be Atheism. We are dealing with religion." Spencer saw Hotch's mouth open. "No, I don't know what that means, but we have something. We can work with something. Give me some time to think." Reid walked in and shut his door.

"That kid is going to kill himself with this case." Morgan murmured. The others consented their agreement.

Previous // Next

*******************************************************************************************

Okay, The focus of the fic shifts from here. This isn’t a case fic so to speak, it is a soulmate au fic. So be prepared for that. 

[deakyjohns]

Friends Will Be Friends - Ace!Reader x Queen

Based off the following prompt: Hello I’m sorry to bother you but could you please write a Queen x asexual reader please? Where the reader slowly realizes she’s asexual then is scared to admit it to the boys?

Warnings: Not a ton! Reader is anxious about coming out, so there are potential triggers there. [word count: 2,265] 

pls note: i don’t identify as ace but i am queer, so i’ve done my best to express what? coming out can be like? but everyone’s experience is different. hopefully this does some justice to that notion! <3

You knew everyone meant well.

That when Freddie told you anyone would be lucky to have you, or when Roger jostled your shoulder, pointing out potential suitors, it was because they cared about you. They thought it was what you would want. You used to think it would be what you wanted, too.

You weren’t sure how to tell them. It had been difficult to even figure it out yourself. You always understood the feelings you had, but putting a name to them had been something else entirely. Through your teenage years, you’d begun to find slight differences between yourself and your classmates. When they got excited about dating and relationships, you found yourself more interested in the books you were reading and the music you liked. You cared about your friendships and loved meeting new people, but you never really liked the idea of dating.

You used to assume it just meant you hadn’t met the right person.

In a few attempts to give it the old college try, you had gone on dates. Once or twice you’d had nice conversations with people over dinner or a drink, but you didn’t feel yourself longing to see them again. A date that you hadn’t had a particularly good time with once tried to kiss you, and you’d pushed him away out of instinct. He’d mumbled an apology and a good night and you hardly answered before flying up the stairs back into your apartment.

You leaned against your door, letting out a long breath. Part of you wondered if you should have just tried it to see if you’d enjoy it. But the rest of you knew you wouldn’t have.

It frustrated you to no end that the world, everyone around you, really, expected you to be a certain way when you just weren’t.

You didn’t want to think there was something wrong with you, but you felt like you had to look for answers. What was it that made you different? Why, when people talked about marriage, sex, and dating, did you feel like you came from some other world?

As silly as it made you feel, you found yourself at the front desk of the nearby university’s library looking for answers. A kind-eyed and young librarian peered at you through her glasses.

“Can I help you find something?” she asked politely.

“Yes, actually. I’ve got to write a paper for my human sexuality class?” It was a bit of a shot in the dark, but you were fairly sure you could get away without too many questions.

“Oh, sure. Are you comfortable with the Dewey Decimal System? I’ve just got to log a lot of returns up here.”

“Yes, no problem!” You’d had to prowl the shelves in search of horrendously obscure books before.

“Great,” she said, relieved, “thank you. You’ll want to head down to the early 300s. It’s got sociology and all that. Try… maybe 301 or 306?”

“I will,” you said, “thank you. Good luck with all those.” You pointed to the hefty pile of books on the cart beside her and she let out a quiet chuckle.

“Thanks. Good luck with your paper.” It took you a second to remember: you’d told her you were writing a paper.

“Oh, yeah, thank you!” And with that, you shuffled off into the stacks.

It took a while before you found anything that resonated with you. But eventually, after paging through countless indexes and glossaries, you found something that resonated with you–– and deeply.

You left the library with a bit of a spring in your step, but also a sinking feeling in your stomach. It felt so good to understand yourself. But understanding yourself meant that you’d be able to tell people. And you had four dear friends that you feared might not understand you the way you did.

You’d met Brian and Roger right as Smile was falling apart. Roger had tried to chat you up at the bar and since he’d made you laugh, he thought he was getting somewhere. Right as you were about to politely decline anything beyond a friendly drink, Brian came over, distressed. He let loose that Tim Staffel was thinking of leaving before Rog could make a snide remark about being interrupted, and when you expressed your despair at the possibility of the band breaking up, they both seemed cheered. You’d greatly enjoyed the music, and told them so. The night had ended with the three of you closing down the bar and the boys walked you home (or stumbled you there, on Roger’s part). After concerts, they began to count on seeing you, and you were swiftly introduced to Freddie and later John. You came to their shows as often as you could and soon you were part of the family.

What had started as the boys inviting you to parties after gigs had blossomed into a real friendship–– one you could never imagine living without. Sometimes you’d spend time with them while they were recording, and they’d even brought you along on tour for a few weeks once. You’d shared an apartment with John for a stint when neither of you could afford rent alone, and there had been many nights when the five of you all woke up in someone’s apartment, tangled together on couches, in beds, sometimes on the floor. You’d taken shifts in Brian’s hospital room when he collapsed on their first tour of the US.

You’d been through so much with them, and there was no way they’d abandon you just because you were different. They were all different, too. It’s why people loved Queen.

Your best friend and current roommate Amy reassured you of this about a hundred times as you got ready to go see the boys at a recording session. She sat on your bed as you tugged on a t-shirt and dug around in your closet for your favorite jacket.

“Those boys adore you, Y/N. And if they’re going to stop speaking to you over something like this, then they don’t deserve to call you their friend.” You sighed, voice echoing a bit as you spoke.

“I know, I know… But if for some reason they do stop speaking to me, it’s gonna break my heart. Even if it’s not worth the pain, you know?” Finally, you felt your hand brush against denim and you pulled your coat of it’s hanger, slinging it on. Amy stood and put her hands on both of your cheeks.

“They’re not going to. I really believe that.” She pressed a kiss to your forehead and you let out a soft chuckle.

“Thanks, Ames. I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.” You smiled at her and took a breath. With that, you picked up your bag and headed for the door. Amy’s voice drifted down the hall as you made your way to the front door. “And you let me know if something happens. I don’t care if those guys are famous, I will start a brawl!”

You laughed at that despite the pit in your stomach and hopped in your car. It was now or never, you supposed.

----

When you arrived at the studio, they were recording a song you’d never heard before. It was fun and a bit jaunty, which eased your nerves a bit. Brian stood in the booth, playing a guitar solo, and Roger and John were sat on couches at the back of the control room. Freddie sat, enraptured at the panel as you crept in, not wanting to disturb anyone.

John was the first to look up and notice you, and just as he was about to stand and offer you a much calmer and quiet greeting, Roger was on his feet and already halfway to the door.

“Y/N,” he cried, “just who we needed to see! Do you know, it’s been bloody boring without you all day.” You couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled you into a hug. Over his shoulder, Freddie glanced up at you and smiled, wiggling his fingers in greeting. Soon though, his attention was back to Brian, who was still laser-focused on his playing.

“It’s not as if I’m here all the time, Rog,” you protested, but he waved you off as the two of you separated.

“Well, we’ve been missing you anyway.” John nodded as he came over to greet you as well.

“It’s true, we were just talking about you,” he said, giving you a quick squeeze of a hug, “How are you, Y/N?”

“I’m all right. I’ve been wanting to talk to you all.” As you spoke, the sounds of the Red Special stopped.

“Hey there, Y/N,” came Brian’s voice over the speakers. “Good to see you! We’re just finishing up.” Freddie spun around and stood, planting a kiss on your cheek and grasping both of your hands in his.

“Yes, darling, do stay and have a chat. Brian here’s just finished his solo for Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy and we’re just about to have a spot of tea.” You grinned at the name of the song.

“One of yours, Fred?”

“Who else’s?” he replied with a dazzling smile, brushing his hair over his shoulder.

Once Brian emerged from the studio, the boys led you off to a little kitchen where Freddie put on a kettle.

“We’ve missed you,” Brian said, plopping down in a chair beside you, “How is everything?”

“It’s, er–– Well, it’s been good.”

“You said you wanted to tell us something?” John added helpfully. He always seemed to know when you were nervous, and you shot him a grateful smile. The kettle began to whistle and Freddie lifted it off the stove.

“Yes, I did,” you said, voice quieting a bit. Freddie passed mugs around and took a seat on your other side–– finally all eyes were on you. This wasn’t going to be easy, you knew that, but now with all of their gazes fixed on you with varying degrees of kindness and concern, you felt a little safer.

You cleared your throat in an attempt to push down the lingering anxiety. “Well, uhm… You all know that I don’t really… well, date. And, ah… I was doing some reading because I was feeling frustrated with everything and I…” You paused and took a deep breath. “I think I’m asexual.”

Time seemed to stop after you said it. It was still one of the first times you’d said it aloud, and your heart was pounding so loudly in your chest that you were sure you wouldn’t be able to hear their reactions. All of a sudden panic took over and you felt the need to speak again, as if you owed them an explanation. “I think I’ve known for a while now, but I never really had a name for it and then I went to the library and I started reading all these books and––”

A warm hand came to cover yours as it quivered on the tabletop and it was only then that you realized you’d begun to cry a bit. You looked up and Brian was smiling at you softly.

“That’s great, Y/N. I’m sure I speak for everybody when I say we’re happy that you’ve found a way to describe who you are.” He gave your hand a squeeze. “You know we all love you, and we’ll all be here to support you.” The other three boys gave you encouraging smiles and you nodded, reaching up to wipe the tears from your cheeks.

“I’ve just always felt different, and finally it just got too much. I was so scared.”

“Aw lovie,” Freddie cooed, throwing an arm around your shoulders, “why didn’t you tell us? You know we all would have been happy to help.”

“Well,” John ventured, “I’m sure it was a bit nerve-wracking. Not everyone is kind about these kinds of things. But nothing is going to change the fact that you’re our friend, Y/N. You’ve got us, no matter what.”

“It’s true,” Roger said, “we’d all go mad without you. And besides, if you’re asexual, that means there’s just more for the rest of us, eh?” Freddie shot him a long-suffering look from beside you, but the comment made you laugh as Roger knew it would. As you let yourself laugh, you felt some of the anxiety draining out of you.

“Oh god,” you said, “I’m so relieved. I was afraid that you’d all never want to speak to me again.”

“Nonsense!” Freddie cried, “you’d have to really do something terrible for that to happen, and I happen to know you haven’t got a mean bone in your body.” He paused for a moment and then smiled, standing up and gesturing for everyone to rise with him. “I propose a toast,” he announced, lifting his cup of tea in the air. “To our darling Y/N, whom we all love so dearly, and whom we celebrate on this day of discovery.” Everyone laughed at this, and Roger added in a cheerful “Hear, hear!” as you all clinked your mugs together.

You all drank your tea and spent the next little while catching up and laughing, just as you always did when you spent time together. When it came time for the boys to begin recording again and for you to head home, everyone joined in a group hug, placing you at the center. Standing there, literally surrounded by some of your closest friends, you knew you’d always have people in your life who loved you for who you were.

[tarithenurse]

girl i dont know about u but it was whedon who made nat’s infertility as some kind of defect and something that made her a monster and thats why people are so ticked at the way he wrote nat. so for you to say that he’s at least standing up for women in that way is ????? what

Oh...yeah...I guess I should have seen this coming, so first off:

I don’t mind engaging in discussions about tough topics, but this will be the only time I do so with anyone who doesn’t have the guts to do so openly, preferring to hide behind anonymity rather than stand by their words.

Other asks (prompts, or whatever) are still welcome to be anon, though.

...

So. Where to start?

Let’s start easy: “girl i dont know about u...”Well...I suppose I could explain a lot of things about myself, but most would be a repition of my first response to the post this is all about, so start with reading that.

Then:Josh Whedon chose Nat’s infertility as a topic. I’ll go that far and agree to that. But does that make *him* the one declaring Natasha, and by extension other infertile women, to be monsters? Or is he pointing out an existing problem?

I’m gonna come back to that, but first:Natasha has a lot of red in her ledger. She knows so, she has said so...and she’s trying to clear it out (remember her talk with Loki in the first Avengers movie). It could be relevant to pick up on how she used to kill people when she worked as an assassin/spy after the training in the Red Room, and as a part of her arch it would make sense to focus on her trouble with negotiating her past now that she’s defected and joined the “good guys”. It’s mentioned now and then, of course, but not fully explored.

Why not?Because that arch’s been reserved for Bucky/the Winter Soldier. He’s the one that gets to deal with the switch and the guilt of past actions. Maybe because he’s journey through that hell hole’s both present (Nat having gone through several stages of this before the movies) and also a lot more condensed because of the status and relationship to the heroes that he has.

Which is why we don’t even get to see the full consequences of Natasha putting herself in the hot seat when Hydra in SHIELD is fully exposed and all her own covers are blown. The consequences aren’t just domestic (senate hearings etc), but you can bet your ass that she’s become a market for her old handlers and any other covert teams anywhere in the world...but it’s still too close to Bucky’s arch that this issue was granted proper attention.

Do I think that’s a shame? Yes.If it had been done, though...how many people would’ve complained that it was a rip-off of Bucky’s story and not “fair” that Nat doesn’t get a unique issue to tangle with?

So what does make her unique?Well for one: she IS a woman. Excuding femininity. What really defines a woman?This is of course a very long list...but historically and culturally speaking, I think you’ll have to admit that some of the sociological aspects have been tied to “Motherhood (TM)”.

And that’s where we come back to the beginning.

YOU may not have experienced the pressure from society of “having” to get children. I’m happy you don’t. Maybe you’ve just been lucky, maybe you’re not old enough yet and can’t fathom that other people may have a different reality...but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

I can just say that the scene were Natasha words her lack of confidence and how much she KNOWS she’s missing out on (whether by choice or not) that left me crying because FINALLY someone put into words what it feels like for me and others.

Has anyone ASKED Josh Whedon WHY he chose that subject? Maybe he knows someone who’s been the target of that kind of abuse? Or maybe...sure...maybe he just couldn’t figure out anything better.

But...Be very careful with placing blame on someone for something that isn’t actually their fault. There’s a fine line between criticising a director’s or actress’ choices to bashing them for something out of their power.

For the same reason:Feel free to disagree with me, to stick to your opinions...but don’t get pissed off at people for thinking something else.My opinion doesn’t hurt you. It doesn’t devalue those who aren’t able to get children though they badly want to. It doesn’t diminish you.

[csykora]

hey i've been meaning to ask this, but would you mind explaining to me in general terms (or specific, if you're so inclined, i like detailed explanations but I don't want to give the impression that I expect them), like, What Happened With Alex Semin That Makes Everyone So Weird About Him? I know you've referenced a complicated legacy that makes caps fans weird about him, and maybe some way that caps fans/ western hockey culture/the nhl wronged him, but wikipedia was not very helpful (1/?)

3/3) None of that as presented seems, like, worthy of the level of weirdness/erasure that you've mentioned/hinted at, so I'm assuming there's a lot more complexity and detail involved here, which I would love to understand.

First, I need to say this, you are an utter doll. You’re out there reading and questioning and investigating further and it’s all so great.

And you’re right, on dry paper the whole thing is pretty weird.

There isn’t a smoking gun, here. I’m not going to point at a particular coach or GM and tell you, “They made a poor or a prejudiced decision, and the rest of us are fine.” A staggering number of things happened to happen to Semin. Each one of them didn’t mean so much by themselves. But I think the fact that they happened, and kept happening, and were expected to happen, all to him says a lot about us.

What there is is a context, and then there’s a story here. I think what a lot of us missed at the time, and are still missing, is how they fit together.

So I’m gonna drag us all through both. Congratulations: you get two posts.

I’m traveling through Montréal, so I come down to grab coffee in just a jersey and my little pink running shorts.  I’m not surprised when a man stops me. He asks what’s up, am I Russian, am I a Caps fan. “Oh, yeah,” I say.

“Yeah, yeah. They’re a great team every year,” he says, for the benefit of the man next to him. “No luck in the postseason though!”

The second man is Danish, and nervous, stuck between us. “You have a big rivalry?” he asks.

I have a personal rivalry with Les Habitants. “Oh, no,” I say.

I negotiate. If I admit I grew up watching the Canadiens as my hometown team, the first man will quiz me. So it’s friendly overture #2, angling towards him to show him the back of my sweater. The first man isn’t looking. “My favorite guy, Alexander Syomin, he played up here for a bit.”

I pronounce it that way, Сёмин, not an Anglicized eh. We can come back to that.

He admires my sweater. “Good player?” he tries.

“Oh, yeah, real skilled player,” the first man says, checking back in. And then, like he’s watching Semin backcheck right now, like the insight just struck him, “Lazy, though.”

“Oh, no,” I say, reassuring the Dane. “That’s just he plays Russian hockey, it just looks different than Canadian style, so some people think it looks like that.”

First man says, “Ovechkin doesn’t play like that.”

Of course he says that.

“Oh,” I say, laugh, cut him off. “Nobody plays like Ovechkin.”

(The Dane is looking between us like he’s about to ask how these people died.)

Something percolates through the first man’s mind. “Who’s your favorite player?”

And I turn around and walk away. He says, “Oh,” reading my shoulders. He hadn’t heard a word except the opening to tell me what he already Knew.

Listen, I don’t like feeling rude. But I was about to be late to interview for a graduate research position in hockey biomechanics, and I already knew I needed to go put on pants and fold Semin’s name back into a suitcase if I wanted them to respect me.

I’m not being dramatic so much as I’m trying to show the odd way that we all know things.  That man knew I wasn’t an expert, because I don’t look like one. We all know my favorite player isn’t a good player because he doesn’t look like one.

(And I don’t mean the ethnocentrism and neurotypical judgements we paint all over his face, although that’ll come back into it.)

G, you might be saying, that guy was a stock character of a misogynist hockey fan. Of course he only saw what he expected to. Well, here’s one thing: we all kind of think like that. Of course we don’t know when we aren’t seeing things that conflict with our view. Just keep that in mind when we talk about Russia.

And when we watch hockey, a good amount of the time, our eyes are telling us real persuasive narratives. There are certain visual cues in the game that we think mean good, make someone valuable. They signal to us that the player is playing ‘well’, and once we’re hooked on them that reading is hard to shake. Experienced analysts like Steve Dangle will talk about this: after decades watching hockey, they still get caught up in all the great-looking things a player is doing and miss underlying weakness, or get stuck on what a player doesn’t do and miss what they contribute overall.

(This is why statistics are valuable and controversial: they can be used to reveal patterns, like how a player who scores plenty of pretty goals is also on the ice for a suspicious number of goals against, and sometimes that conflicts with what seems obvious to the eye-test.)

Ethnicity comes back into it because what we think looks valuable depends where we’re from.

Later, I’m laughing over it to my buddy. She’s an older fan than me, and I admire her so much, because she listens to me, and she says, “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you—I don’t know what you mean when you keep saying Russian hockey.”

Context: Soviet and Russian Hockey

Any moment that I have the puck and you do not seems like it should be good for me.

But if you’re allowed to just come up and smash me, and I just hang out holding it, you’re going to try to take it away. Some of the time you’ll manage and then you’ll have it and you can score goals with it. So maybe I want to risk trying to score goals with it before you do.

That’s good old North American.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you want this? Did you want to try to score some goals with it? Sure, I suppose you can borrow it for a bit.  

Catch me first.

That’s Soviet.

This is a difference of philosophy; it’s a preference in coaching and play-making. There are some kids who weren’t considered particularly naturally talented who would be in Russia, and the other way around. But people also train to meet those standards, so by the time you’re in your teens or early twenties, you’re caught somewhere between the abilities and inclinations you were born with and the values you shaped yourself to try to fulfill.

Imagine a benchful of Evgeny Kuznetsovs.

Soviet hockey players were skaters first. At age 4 or 5, they would be learning skating fundamentals for an hour two or three days a week. Then an hour and half. At 10, they would skate every day. At 12, two practices a day.

“We put kids on skates at a very young age. Much earlier than in the U.S. and Canada. There are advantages and disadvantages to this. On one hand early development may influence game thinking, on the other skating may become a burden and be detrimental for the health.”—Sergei Gimaev (USSR champion)

I’m quoting Sergei because that’s my stance: on the one hand, and on the other. There’s a lot to say about the Soviet hockey schools. Athleticism was patriotism in the Soviet Union, as it is in many states, and the treatment of athletes was frequently disturbing—but it’s always more complex than a dystopia.

Their eerily effortless technical skating contributed to the outside image of the “Red Machine”, a North American narrative than Soviet skaters were only trained to be interchangeable pieces without any fun or independence or Canadian grit, but the Soviet style also valued a child-like intellectual creativity.

“Kids were always allowed to improvise on the ice,” according to Dmitri Efimov. “We surprised our opponents with the fact that we were difficult to ‘read,’ our actions couldn’t be anticipated.”  

This play, from hockey-graphs.com, is a great example.Vladimir Krutov, Igor Larionov, and Sergei Makarov skate so tightly they seem about to combine into a single giant mecha, luring in the Canadians, and then fly past them.

All that skill and creative energy fed into the endless, eternal, interminable passing. Each player on the line swung around each other, dragging the opposition into position until one of them found a chance to shoot. The goal of Soviet hockey wasn’t to score goals: holding possession and winding the clock down was pretty much an end in and of itself.

“For me, I would love to have empty net at end of season, then (have someone else) score a goal you know? For me, that’s how my father teach me and how my whole coaches when I grown up teach me. You better to give your partner empty netter than you score it. It’s in my heart.”

So, Evgeny Evgenyevich…if you’re always giving the goal to your teammates, who’s taking the shots?

Ovechkin isn’t like that

Kristi St. Allain of St. Thomas University wrote a dissertation on why people say this. It was adapted and accepted for publication by the Sociology of Sport Journal in 2016, it’s 43 pages, and it’s worth a read.  

There’s a more technical take, which I think is also interesting: yes, he is like that.

Ovechkin is a monster. He’ll be once in the world, not once in a lifetime. Comparing any Russian player to him is pretty pointless, but comparing him to them is actually useful, because we can see that Ovechkin plays a specific role in Russian hockey.

Hockey was at its lowest low in Russia in the ‘90s, after the dissolution of the Soviet national team. Everyone had gotten used to Soviet hockey, and that was over. The new nation was wondering what the new Russian hockey was going to be, and it mostly seemed like it sucked.

And then they got...these two.

The Aleksandrs revolutionized Russian hockey by building a new role for themselves: the specialized sharpshooter.

I’m not saying there weren’t skilled shooters before them in the Soviet system, but those teams made plays in a more balanced way, effective divvying up shot attempts between three fairly equal forwards.

Two years older than Ovechkin, Semin was the first player to prove what that shot could do. In 2008 he led Russia to the first World Championship gold since 1993, against Canada in Quebec City, ending over a decade of low self-esteem in a moment of transcendently wicked awesomeness to a generation who grew up after but still very much under the weight of the Soviet Union.

Arguably, he’s the one who told us all what Russian hockey was going to be. 

Sasha and Sasha both stood out from their teammates for their spectacular aim and strength. Semin’s wrist-shot was described “arguably the most powerful in the game” during his years in the NHL. (And that’s from SB Nation, not just me and Kuznetsov.)

Instead of skating and passing until they happened to be in position for a particular shot, both Semin and Ovechkin would deliberately take up a shooting position, and their linemates  would pass between themselves, dragging the opposition around until they could send the puck to the Sasha for a shot.

Taking those shots isn’t selfish: it’s a new way of using their unique skill to play for their teammates. 

At this point in his career, we often get to see Ovi skate straight to his office and crouch there in active waiting. He’ll slide a little up and down in search of openings as the other team chase his center and right winger: “he’s the best in the world at adjusting to passes.”

Semin would circle. He hovered over the blue line like some large and carnivorous bird, allowing him to either swoop in for a shot, or swing and pass back and forth with his center to set up his opposite winger. He could essentially shoot like a second Ovechkin or partner with Nick Backstrom to hold possession.

We can succeed

There’s something heart-wrenching to me about that quote from Kuznetsov. Because many Russian players don’t succeed in the NHL; they don’t fit in the spaces allowed for them in the Canadian conception of hockey. That should hardly count as a failing: like Kuznetsov said, Canadians don’t know how to play Soviet or Russian hockey. And they aren’t asked to.

Do you know how many Russian players are in the NHL right now?

It’s 39.

(Less if we set aside the goalies, which arguably we should here).  That’s barely more than one per franchise, and that shakes out to mean something pretty profound for players who have it in their hearts to try to match what their teammates are doing, but who by their late teens and twenties simply can’t reshape the entire way they play the game.

Semin is a spectacular player in context. So is Ovechkin. For most of his career Ovi’s context was Semin, and Ovi is quite honest about that.

Semin was the best possession player on the Washington Capitals in 2012, while also seeing the highest percentage of scoring chances. He was a 40+ goal scorer while being someone else’s main man for assists. 

I’m going to come back and to talk through his actual story in order, but this is the first thing to keep in mind: 

All that circling didn’t look good. When he looked for passes, waited for scoring chances, played high-scoring but still play-making Russian hockey, he looked lazy.

[gatorfruit-moved]

200, 192, 189, 174, 171, all in the believe in category, 154, 149, 146, 145, 142, 141, 138, 131, all in the here's what i think about category, 86, 84, 76, 66, 60, 54, 49, 44, 22, 18, 15, 11, 6, 2 Only answer the ones you want - there's a lot...Sorry lmao. I'm just curious

I love when I can go on and on about questions, thank you

200 My crush’s name is:I have two and people irl have my tumblr and one of them has a tumblr so :x they’re both a K name. 192 I am allergic to:Cats which does not stop me, all kinds of pollen, and lavender. 189 Last book you read:I’m currently working on When The Moon Was Ours174 Do you have any siblings?Not biologically but my friends may as well be my brothers, we say we are. 171 Do you play an instrument?I’ve been on flute since late third grade and I’m learning both guitar and bass. Do you believe in169 Love at first sight:Mmmmm not really? I dunno. 168 Luck:In a way to just describe entropy yeah. 167 Fate:Again not really but I like to use it in a poetic sense. 166 Yourself:Pfffft not really165 Aliens:HELL YEAH164 Heaven:Nope163 Hell:Nah162 God:Nada161 Horoscopes:No but I think they’re neat160 Soul mates:It’d be cool but no159 Ghosts:No but I like supernatural shit like that158 Gay Marriage:OH YEAH BABEYYY157 War:No but I don’t really like involving myself in that discussion, i don’t know jack about psychology or sociology. 156 Orbs:In the supernatural sense no but I do believe in my friend’s cat we call Orb. He deserves all the love. 155 Magic:No but another thing I think is cool. 154 Hugs or Kisses:I love bear hugs so much but I’ve also never been kissed. Cheek and forehead kisses are good but I’m going with hugs. 149 Hot or cold:Cold but with warm sun146 Chocolate or vanilla:Vanilla! Swirl is the best though145 Night or Day:Night but like just as the sun is starting to set. 142 McDonalds or Burger King:mcnaldos. I was gonna italicize it but mobile sucks. 141 White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:Milk unless it’s cookies and cream which reminds me of the summer, when Uzii and Abbas bought out the whole stock at the general store on Kelley’s Island. 138 Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:I mean I’m ugly and poor lmao. If we’re talking personality, sweet and poor. If it’s appearance, i don’t care ab looks sooooo ugly and rich. 131 Small town or Big city:This is so hard for me because I live for Pittsburgh but Kelley’s Island was so perfect. Here’s what I think about122 War:Like I said in the do I believe one, I don’t know enough to say anything. It’s a complicated issue but for the most part I hate it121 George Bush:I have no idea120 Gay Marriage:I may be gay married one day lmao119 The presidential election:I mean this past one gave us some top notch SNL. It’s a shame though that the first on I kept track of was this shitshow. 118 Abortion:I’m very pro choice117 MySpace:Idk116 Reality TV:I love me some drag and cooking competitions but not things like the bachelor. 115 Parents:Mine? I’m fine with. Our relationship is a little weird. Plus I was raised by grandparents so it’s a complicated thing. I can go more in depth if you want. 114 Back stabbers:Rot in hell Alexa. Sorry just a vent. 113 Ebay:I dunno really112 Facebook:I barely use it but it was good to come out on lmao111 Work:I need it110 My Neighbors:I don’t talk to them but my old ones were creeps109 Gas Prices:I don’t drive so 🤷🏼‍♂️108 Designer Clothes:Hate it when they steal my culture 🔪🔪🔪 but other than that idc. There’s some stuff that is ridiculously priced but others, it’s just people making money doing something they love so power to them107 College:Let me in106 Sports:I bleed black and gold. I’m such a pittsburgher. 105 My family:Strange. I love em but they’re weird. Like I’ve got Opa’s side in Detroit which is all 6’+ and fairly well off, although we did lose the matriarch. There’s Oma’s in the Netherlands that I don’t know anything about. Papaw’s who are also well off, Aunt Martha outbid a college for her house but other than that I don’t really know them. Grandma’s Mexican yinzer family I love. We get petty over refried beans and guacamole. There’s some issues with me and coming out though. 104 The future:I’m kinda of afraid but there are days where I’m not and those are the best. 86 The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:Testosterone tbh84 People call me:Scottie, Scooter, Scoots, Major, two people are trying to push Scrotum and Scootums, along with various things like faggot and dumbass lmao. By friends, it’s not in an insulting way. 76 Right now I am talking to:Mack and attempting to get tumblr to let me talk to @kairoth although answering all these did take time66 People that make you happy:This list would be bigger if I talked to some people more and others didn’t betray me but the big ones are Mack and Kennedy60 I lose all respect for people who:Oof I can’t remember any of the big ones but if I heard them I’d remember. Deadnaming and misgendering is the biggest tho. 54 The worst pain I was ever in was:I can’t remember what it felt like when I got the fishhook through my shoulder but it left a scar. Granted falling in the parking lot during practice did too which didn’t hurt a lot. The one I can remember though is waking up in the middle of the night not able to move my knee, and so my leg, at all. It stills hurts from time to time and it’s got a mysterious bump that’s stressing me out. 49 Do you want children:Yeah, I feel like I’d be a good dad. I have dreams about it sometimes. I had one where I had a little tan freckles blonde haired daughter was teaching how to box. Another with a little brown haired brown eyed son, tying his tie, talking to him about how if he likes a girl, not to be mean but to treat her like a princess. If he ever makes a mistake, to buy her and her mother flowers, maybe even her sisters. I dunno. It’s nice to think about. 44 One person that you wish you could see right now:Carson so I can have a serious talk with him. Opa because got i miss him, and Great Grandma Laney. Dad, although I saw him recent enough that I’m not desperate. And the two crushes, not gonna name names. Favorites22 Animal:I love hyenas with all of my heart18 Sport to play:Hockey. Not only am I good at the actual game and get so much enjoyment out of it, but there’s nothing like a solid shoulder check. I threw a kid way bigger than me into the wall in middle school. 15 Day of the week:I used to really like Tuesday for some reason but now it’s probably Friday, especially if I go out and do stuff with friends right after school. 11 Food:Wedding soup I guess? It’s a comfort food. 6 Flower:I really like snapdragons, bleeding hearts, and warm colored roses. I’m also a huge fan of daffodils, tulips, hydrangeas, snowball bushes, and pansies for nostalgic reasons. I just really like flowers. 2 Dog breed:Oh man that’s tough. I really like big dogs, not quite in size but like stature if that makes any sense??? Things like bulldogs and pitties. Xolo dogs are great too

Thank you again!

[bughead-fic-request]

I would like to thank @leaalda for making these amazing banners.

This is an effort to spread the word about all fan fiction writers in our little fandom. If you would like to be featured or nominate a writer, please contact me. Please reblog this post if you can and check out some of @onceuponamirror work!

1. First things first, if someone wanted to read your stories where can they find them.

Ao3! url: onceuponamirror, same as tumblr. i also post on them tumblr at this point. no longer using FF, but it's got old ouat stuff.  

2. Tell us a little about yourself.

I'm Sarah, i work in a creative field (i always vacillate between how much i like talking about my work on my blog, because i like to keep careers and hobbies separate) and i live in the states.

3. What do you never leave home without?

A hairbrush! my hair is wild

4. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

The utterly terrible combination of both

5. If you could live in any fictional world which one would you choose and why?

HP universe, obv, as long as i'm not also a muggle in this scenario. i mean. magic. need i say more??

6. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met.

I mean like, what is fame / it's a different barometer for everyone. for me, i met Regina Spektor when i was 16 and that was like touching god for that time of my life but wouldn't be now. More currently, i've met some artists/musicians that meant a lot to me, but like...feel like they might not be considered famous in the sense asked by this question.

7. What are some of your favorite movies/TV?

Parks and Rec and The Office for tv. and for movies: tbh, The Princess Dairies.

also, i was mostly an OUAT blog for the last 5 or so years, though at this point have a love-hate relationship with that show, but all those years still gotta count for something.

8. What are some of your favorite bands/musicians?

Right now i'm listening to a lot of Sade, Rhye, and Sylvan Esso but Belle & Sebastian are one of those bands i've listened to my whole life and never gotten sick of, so there's that.

i like a real range of eras though; lot of groovy 70s disco, a lot of 50s dreamy doo-wop, etc. just depends on my mood.

9. Favorite Books?

I read a lot of psychology/sociology books, tbh all about love by Bell Hooks are kind of the greatest thing ever written and I highly recommend it and right now i'm reading a book about cultural relationships with independence in America. i'm into it.

But honestly I need to read more fiction because this stuff can be heavy to read back-to-back all the time. I'm on the lookout for healthy romance fiction, but it's hard to find fun rom-com books that don't feel cheesy and filled with internalized "i'm not like other heroines" misogyny.

I also like a lot of Haruki Murakami's books, but after a while, they all become some morphed story of "The Missing Wife and The Mysterious Talking Animal that leads the character through the seedy underbelly of magical realism"

(if you've read his books, you know what i'm talking about) (but if you haven't: read them!) (Kafka On The Shore and the wind-up bird chronicle are both great!)

10. Favorite Food?

Nectarines!  

11. Biggest pet peeve?

People being presumptuous. drives me bonkers

12. What did you want to be when you were little? What do you want to be now?

I'm one of those really lucky people who is doing exactly what i wanted to do as a little girl as an adult with a career!

13. What are your biggest fears? Do you have any strange fears?

I get freaked out by being near edges of any kind, which is probably just vertigo in disguise. I also don't like swimming out to spaces wherein you can't touch down (if you've read my fic heart rise above, this makes an appearance)

I also hate daddy-long-leg spiders because i used to have nightmares about them poking my eyeballs out with their freaky ass legs

14. When you are on your deathbed what would be the one you’d regret not doing?

As of right now, i'm young, so i'm trying not to look at things with regret already, but rather as things to learn from as i go forward.

Okay… lets talk about your writing!

15. Which is your favorite of the fics you've written for the Bughead fandom?

Well, i've only written 3, and one was a oneshot. The Winged Beast was something that i helped me over a lot of humps I'd been blocked by before, but I think Heart Rise Above has been an experience that has been kind of innumerably personal in terms of my growth as a writer and as an individual.

16. Which was the hardest to write, in terms of plot?

Both mc-fics have had their trials and tribulations but reaching 30k words in The Winged Beast kind of made me realize that I could do sustained plot, though for me, that story is a lot more about plot. It was a challenge to tackle the heavy themes that came up. I wanted to get it right, do it justice, but also a lot of those topics are not personal to me, so i was scared to handle it appropriately.

17. How do you come up with the ideas for you fic(s)? Do you people watch? Listen to music? Get inspired by TV/movies?

I'm actually really inspired by Hayao Miyazaki as a storyteller, even though he's known for animation. He has this quote that i really love, so i'll just share it:

I told [Hayao] Miyazaki I love the “gratuitous motion” in his films; instead of every movement being dictated by the story, sometimes people will just sit for a moment, or they will sigh, or look in a running stream, or do something extra, not to advance the story but only to give the sense of time and place and who they are.

“We have a word for that in Japanese,” he said. “It’s called ma. Emptiness. It’s there intentionally.”

Is that like the “pillow words” that separate phrases in Japanese poetry?

“I don’t think it’s like the pillow word.” He clapped his hands three or four times.

“The time in between my clapping is ma. If you just have non-stop action with no breathing space at all, it’s just busyness, but if you take a moment, then the tension building in the film can grow into a wider dimension. If you just have constant tension at 80 degrees all the time you just get numb.” (http://www.rogerebert.com/interviews/hayao-miyazaki-interview)

Ma as a concept of breath within scenes is something i really consciously put into my writing. Both as in breaks wherein it's just a quiet, observed action---and as in, literally. My characters are always physically exhaling and sighing and breathing between speaking. like. constantly. probably to a fault.

I also try to explore this through pacing and structure of paragraphs, as well. bricks of text are not fun to read, so i break things up a lot more than i probably should.

I get into my writing inspirations with more detail down a few questions, but: i always set out with thematic structures in mind.

For example, i wanted to write the winged beast because i'm super excited by the upcoming "class divide/civil war" plot for season 2 and wanted to write a canon divergent serpent jug story! i also wanted to address "dark betty" because i thought there was a lot more nuance to the anger inside her, coming from a place of moralistic justice and disillusionment, and not just simplified into some sort of evil alter ego.

I was seeing a lot of romanticization of the Southside serpents too, so it kind of turned into half of an exploration the cycle of gang psychology through classism; empathy but not rosy glasses. the fic kind of devolved into a story about drug epidemics too, at some point. idk. like i said above, heavy themes.

With heart rise above, it was the concept of time; how much we have of it, what we do with it, and how we handle the passage of it/marks left behind but i'll come back to that.

Tangentially to this original question, i think my training/career as an artist has had a pretty interesting impact on the way that i write. i'm a visual learner, and i see things so clearly in my head as moving scenes; as if i'm watching a movie of what i'm writing---but literally the whole picture. the music in the background to highlight the mood, the expressions on their faces as they happen, etc. it's also why i use a ridiculous amount of visual metaphors, i think, because i'm borderline obsessed with atmospheric graphics.

Idk if others do this too though, i haven't talked to a lot of other writers about process. (however if you'd like to, please please @ me, because that's my favorite thing in the world)

18. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

I think a multi-chapter (or, at least, more than 4) fic set in another era, or at least one that's pre-1900. I'd get too obsessed with making it feel relatable and readable but also being accurate to the history and getting all the facts right but also while really not wanting to write any "historically accurate" sexism/racism etc. so it just wouldn't work for me.

19. Least favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

Hmm. i think if i could go back and do it again, i would add in a lot more at the beginning of The Winged Beast and move things a lot more slowly as jug and betty got to know each other.

That story was a lot of me testing the waters and getting back into the swing of writing while also pushing myself to write a multi-chapter fic, which I'd never successfully done before, so i definitely set a low bar in the beginning. I wanted to keep it to like, 12 chapters, so I think I rushed things at the start.

20. Favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

Disclaimer: this turned into an essay and I'm not even sure I answered the question

I feel like overall my favorite plot point is just thematic structure. I know that's a broad answer to a direct prompt, but I'm gonna take this there anyway because I get pitchy about process. so! i set out to explore a few things in Heart Rise Above. One: the cycle of a person's greatest strength usually also being their greatest flaw.

(Betty as a person who is so giving, that she never gives to herself. Jug as the apt observer, who observes within his own life rather than live it. etc etc)

Two: thematically, I really, really wanted to explore time.

I wanted explore both jug and betty coming to grips with the identities formed by adolescence and whether or not those have had inhibitive impacts---as in, coming to terms with change. insofar as represented physically, as friends all start to head in different directions or make career choices, but also emotionally, as people start making the personal growth decisions for ourselves that force them to often choose themselves over work, family, relationships, etc.

Basically: the reflective transition from childhood to adulthood, and how when we reach our mid-twenties we're kind of forced to think about what has defined the last 20 years of our life vs. how we want to define the next.

(lmao I'm also definitely working through some personal shit, considering i'm turning 25 soon) (like, really working through something)

This is also why I set the story with such a specific time constraint: a very looming 3 weeks that sets the stage for the relationship tension. it makes them both question a lot of what they're feeling and whether or not their emotions are exacerbated by time, or the opposite.

It's also why I heavily have peppered the story with quote-un-quote timeless americana aesthetics (the one the tv show loves playing with: neon signs, vintage cars, etc) (and on my end, also doo-wop music that is equal parts lovely and sad and absolutely meaningless in terms of language) because i really want the story to feel stagnant because of while also ominously shadowed by time.

Also omfg i'm sorry for unloading this actual goddamn thesis on a very simple question. i'm a massive over-thinker and I love to talk about this kind of thing and i haven't had a chance to put these thoughts out in such a direct way so it just exploded outta me. I'm sorry, I know this was annoyingly winded.

21. Favorite character to write?

Probably Veronica. Jughead is fun too, and has the kind of measured angst vs. wry wit that is satisfying to parcel out in sustained character growth, but Veronica has that kind of silver tongued whip that lets me exercise a type of voice i would never otherwise get to.

I mean, who the fuck else would say, "just enough décolletage to make your mail-order love interest swoon" and get away with it?

22. Favorite line or lines of dialogue that you've written?

Betty tucks a damp, tousled strand of hair behind her ear. Jughead's eyes follow the movement.

This line was the last sentence of chapter 6 of heart rise above. It was this intensely visual scene in my head that I really wanted to read that way; while saying almost nothing but representing a major shift in their relationship. i'm not sure it sells without the context, but within the chapter I feel like I pulled it off, so I'm proud of it.

23. Best comment/review you’ve ever received?

writing-as-tracey and @village-skeptic always leave me the kindest, most thoughtful reviews that really makes me feel stupid kinds of happy inside. I put a lot of thought into my writing and when the little details I don't want to over-sell but not go unnoticed are picked up on, it means so much.

24. How do you handle bad reviews or comments?

I had a troll once, which is different. I just deleted it all but I think being able to handle constructive criticism is really necessary in all parts of life, so it's important to take those kinds of points in stride and not personally. we always can be better!

25. If you could change anything in any of your stories, what would it be?

kinda answered this in #19

26. What is your favorite story you’ve ever written? Any fandom?

Definitely Heart Rise Above!

27. What are you reading right now? Both fan fiction and general fiction?

Answered for the on-paper books above in #9, but as bughead fics, really loving the work of @lessoleilscouchants, @sylwrites, and @stillscape right now! but there's so much more to get to, I feel like I'm just barely scratching the surface.

28. Do you have an advice for writers that want to get into this fandom but might be scared?

yo idk, i was kinda lurking on Riverdale for months and then i just...started writing for it, without really accepting or realizing that indicated how much i liked the show/bughead. it wasn't until about 30k into The Winged Beast that i was like "ok ok ok I guess i'm here now" and actually started sharing my fics on tumblr too.

Also, I'm honestly not sure if this question was meant to be about entering fandom or entering writing, so i'm just gonna answer it as both i guess.

So, I guess that means my advice is, very ironically, to not think too much about metrics beforehand, and just start doing it, which, I realize, sounds completely at odds for how much i've talked about process and over-thinking.

What i mean is: get passionate about what you want to write, and write it for yourself. I’m encouraged by reviews to an immeasurable degree, but i'm telling these stories because i really want to explore certain themes or certain parts of the characters i love. if you're not doing it because you're excited by it, you just won't have the motivation to get through it, honestly.

So find out what it is you love about Riverdale, or about your ship, or about your fave character. then write that down, and then make a story around that. if your favorite part about jughead is that he pushes people away because he's afraid of getting hurt, write a story about why he is that way. etc

Ask yourself a lot of questions about what or who you like and why you like that. fandom is a really useful looking glass into ourselves and reflecting on what we're interested in or have gone through by way of analyzing what it is that resonates with us. turning that into fic is just a deeper part of that self-exploration. (again---i love psychology)

And comment on other people's stories! that really creates the sense of back-and-forth that builds a community. but i'm still poking my head around the fandom side of Riverdale/bughead and am more or less still living on ole hermit mountain, so there's a long learning curve and an individual way to do it.

[heytaemin]

end-of-the-year update (it’s a big one)

hi friends 

to begin if you’re on mobile i’m sorry because this is probably gonna be super long but i’ve decided to give an update as to what’s been hip hop happenin’ in my life for like the whole year i guess

as i’m sure many of you were aware i spent the first two and a half months (until mid-march) doing literally nothing before i studied abroad in japan (!!!!!!!) from march 15th to august 2nd and had a super great time. it was absolutely amazing, and i miss it so much and wish i could go back ugh. if you ever have the chance to go to tokyo, i 1000000% recommend it because it was absolutely wonderful and there’s so much to do and see 

after i got back i was home for like 20 days before starting my senior year in college. i spent like half of that time super jetlagged and hella sick (i was in 4 different airports on my way back, travelling for over 24 hours so it’s pretty much understandable tbh). but i went to school early for a volunteer thing that i did the past two years and got to see my friends!! which was nice!! and then i started classes which was okay. i was taking 5 classes (my international affairs capstone (rip), two sociology classes (soc of mental health and soc theory), astronomy and macroecon) and some i liked more than others. my soc of mental health class was a grad-level class that i have to take for my honors in major, and me and this other guy were the only two undergrad students with 5 grad students (some of whom were like ‘ah yeah this is my last class before i get my phd’ and i felt super incompetent the whole time and like i knew nothing), one of whom was my ta for my other soc class which was super strange. it wasn’t bad, and the professor was not as harsh of a grader as i expected her to be tbh. my astronomy class was awful (bc it was a gen-ed and my friend that i was taking it with and i were like two of the five seniors in the class with the rest basically freshmen and sophomores) and i honestly learned like very little from it, but i liked econ more than i expected i would. 

i also went back full-swing into my clubs which was one of the main things i missed when i was abroad. i joined the japanese culture club that was created at the end of the semester, and did a presentation on my time in japan for our last meeting which was fun. i also went into the japanese classes and presented to all of them. i did some presentations for scholarships that i got as well. which also kind of leads me to my other point of becoming a global ambassador for study abroad!! which honestly sounds a lot cooler than it actually is but hey it’s another thing to put on the resume am i right

along with that, i was cross-trained to work at circulation at the library, so now the majority of the time i’m upstairs at the front desk which isn’t as bad as i thought it would be. it’s definitely more fun than being down in multimedia all the time, and i feel my customer service skills have gotten better. i tutored two people this past semester in psych stats, which was okay (as i didn’t take that class but oh well close enough), but towards the end of the semester i was like ugh can i be done with this. but i was hired as a tutor support assistant which i’ll be doing a lot of work for in the spring (which means i’ll be making more money bless). i’m also set to work curtailed operations at the library when the school is closed for snowdays (which is $15/hour bless) and i applied to be a part-time staff member there as well. i’m only going to be taking 3 classes in the spring so i’m hoping to spend a lot of my time working which is why i applied for all these things

and as for my classes, i’m going to be doing another grad class (social demography), another soc class (class, status, and power) and course about business in asia that’s taught by my japanese professor (the only reason why i took it tbh). my roommate and i were trying to create an independent study for japanese in the spring but we weren’t able to get it to go through because the chair of the department is literally the worst at responding and doing things in a timely manner, and the dean’s office also isn’t helping at all :))))) i’m planning on going to the dean’s office at the start of the semester and complaining a bunch. for ia, i needed to get through the 632-level for japanese to complete the major but because the program is so small they don’t have that class, and i was told before i studied abroad that i could do an independent study when i got back to count but they wouldn’t let me make one so i’m like lowkey screwed? maybe? but the ia department emailed me asking if i took a class for credit in japan and i emailed my sensei and was like ‘hey they won’t let me do an independent study can you say that you approved one of my classes in japan thanks’ and we shall see what she says so i might be okay. so for the spring i’ll have classes monday 9:10-12, 3:40-5, tuesday/thursday 9:40-11 and wednesday 3:40-5 which ain’t too shabby i’ll say. so i’m planning on doing 10-hours normally at the library, with potentially part-time staff, and hopefully 10 hours a week for tutoring support stuff and other tutoring if i have students that need it. 

i have no idea what i’ll be doing after graduation but we shall see what’ll happen when the time gets to it. i’ll probably work at the summer program i worked at last summer (or take my sister’s job at the one she worked at ayy), and then we’ll see from there. i thought about applying for grad school for the spring of 2019, but if i’m being honest i’m pretty much tired from school. doing school for 16 years straight has left me super worn out, especially with all i’ve been trying to do in college with two majors and a minor and two+ jobs and five clubs. i might like halfheartedly apply to some places but like this semester was too busy with all of my stuff to even think of the GREs or applications. we’ll see what the future holds though. 

okay i’m gonna end this here but that’s pretty much what’s been happening to me academically at least. i’ve made a lot of new friends this year which i’m super grateful for, as well as gotten close with other ones. i’d say that i’ll be on here more but we’ll see what next semester holds. if anyone’s read through all of this (which i highly expect no one to have done) congratulations, you have made it. 

thanks everyone for sticking with me so far (especially since i’ve been gone for the majority of the year)! it’s been real

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s04e08 Masterpiece - or that episode where I realize that Jason Alexander can also be a dramatic actor :O

Episode 08 – Masterpiece

Hey guys! So last time we were introduced to Henry Lamontagne! So happy! He’s so cute! Also, apparently Jordan is now officially taking over JJ’s post till she comes back from maternity leave … god, I have a bad feeling about this.

Let’s just see what happens.

I don’t like this.

I don’t like this at all.

There are bugs (the insects), and cameras, and then underground forgeries. That look like they belong in the Louvre, but I don’t get it.

I’m so confused here.

“Most of us have done extensive post-graduate work in areas such as abnormal psychology and sociology, as well as intensive study of relative case work and existing literature …”

“But that’s after selection to the unit. First you have to be an agent, work in the field, and that’s what we’re here to talk about.”

Aw, my poodle and Rossi are giving a seminar.

Wait. Is that Jason Alexander or am I conditioned to assume that any fat Jewish guy with a round face that looks like the moon is George Costanza?

“What did you study?”

“Criminal justice. But sports appreciation was all full up at my community college.” Oh my god, I love you so much, Rossi, he got his degree from a community college??? SO AMAZING!

“I hold doctorates in chemistry, mathematics, and engineering, as well as B.A’s in psychology and sociology.”

Oh my god!

“How old are you?” Oh my god! “Uh, I’m 27. As of last month, I turned 27.”

I love you, Spencer!

“I’m – I’m also completing an additional BA in philosophy. Which reminds me that I have a joke.”

“How many existentialist does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

Rossi whispering: “Don’t.”

“Two. One to change the light bulb and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.”

Oh god, that was hilarious!

How can no one but me and Spencer get it????

“Um, an existentialist would …”

“Okay, before he does his quantum physics knock-knock joke …”

Oh god, I actually had to pause this cuz I laughed so fucking hard.

Oh my god, this show is literally the best thing out there. I don’t know why people at my job diss this.

Maybe cuz I’ve gone back in time, and it’s in season thirteen in the real world, but I don’t give a shit.

Their silence after the guy ask if they shot anybody. Oh my god.

Ha. Jordan is messing up. You can’t top JJ, sweetie.

Whoa. Derek just stepped to the rescue? I love you, but back off. You need to go to Penelope, baby.

Whoa. He’ll call the guy personally? Awesome.

Hey! Whoa! Back off bitch!

My angelface was just trying to help you, and you go after him like he just stepped on your turf like you’re in some West Side Story bullshit flick? Uh-uh. Back off.

Whoa. Okay. That just came off gangster. I’m sorry.

I’m a white girl from Israel, whose only connection to anything remotely “African” is that my late grandfather came from Egypt. Sorry, guys.

“Well, from now on, Supervisory Special Agent Morgan, if I need your help, I’ll ask.”

Bitch.

I really don’t like Jordan Todd. Not one bit.

“You do know we want them to actually join the bureau?” “What?”

“Existentialism?” oh god, Rossi making fun of Reid is the funniest thing ever.

And did that girl just seriously try to hit on Reid? Wow.

“I tell them I shouldn’t – they keep on sending me here.”

Oh my god.

“Wouldn’t they sit in the dark and hope that the bulb decided to light again?” “Excuse me?”

Yeah, excuse you, dude with a girl’s hair.

“An existentialist would never change the bulb. He would allow the darkness to exist.”

And that is definitely Jason Alexander and my excitement level just skyrocketed for this episode.

Reid’s impressed face, and Rossi’s all like, oh shit, who’s that guy? I’ll never get him down from the tree after this bozo.

So the guy lathers him with flattery, and is like, “I wanna show you something” and Reid’s like, sure.

And a second earlier Rossi was looking at his watch and he’s like, dude, we don’t have time for this shit. Come on.

Wait. Why did he just hand them a dossier with seven homicide victims’ pictures? What’s going on?

Wait. I’m sorry. But I can’t take Jason Alexander seriously if my life depended on it, yet here he is in one of, what I am assuming, his rare dramatic roles. What the fuck? How can you cast that shlump in a dramatic series? I’m dying here.

Acid?

“Are you saying that you killed these women?”

Wait what?

“There is still time to save the others, though.” WHAT?

“Others?”

“Five more.”

Oh my fucking god.

This just became the most awesome episode ever.

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I FREAKING LOVE JASON ALEXANDER???? BECAUSE I FUCKING DO!

Mark Twain: “Let us consider that we are all insane. It will explain us to each other. it will unriddle many riddles.”

Have I also mentioned that I fucking love Mark Twain? BECAUSE I DO!

“You’re my boss, correct?”

Er. Yes. But why are you being so aggressive, bitch?

“I report to you.”

Yup.

“Has my job performance been to your satisfaction, sir?”

“It seems fine.”

And yet you bitched at my honeybuns, so back off.

“And if it weren’t to your satisfaction, you’d tell me?”

No, I’d kick your tiny badonkadonk out of here.

“I can promise you that.”

“Because I can do this job.”

Nope.

“I’m sorry, has somebody suggested that you can’t?”

And lady, better check yourself, before I wreck yourself. Hey! No need to be a bitch to Prentiss, she only said hi.

“I’m missing the coroner’s supplemental for victim 3.”

“That’s supposed to come in this afternoon. I just turned that in last night. When do you sleep?”

I’m with Prentiss here.

Hahahah oh my god, I’m so with Hotch on this one, even to me it sounds ridiculous that he turned himself in and challenged Reid and Rossi. Lol.

Oh my god, David Rossi said “Something hinky”.

“It’s obviously tank girl.”

“Tank girl?” “Absolutamundo.”

Shit. Lynch is back. I hoped they broke up. Fuck.

“Is she even a good guy?” WHAT?

Lynch the Bitch, listen to yourself, ‘she’ and ‘guy’ don’t go in the same sentence, you idiot.

“Um, A. She’s not a guy at all. Big plus.”

“B. She is all about wild hair dye, flatulence, nose picking, spitting, explosive vomiting, occasional random sex, and more than occasional drunkenness.”

“And she has a tank.”

“And that, mon ami, is girl power.”

You said it, lady.

“Superman can fly.”

SO WHAT?

Oh god, this is going to be long. Fuck.

I’m so sorry, guys! Apologizing in advance.

“Thank you for the help with the … uh … stuff thing.”

See, that’s why I hate Lynch the Bitch, he’s trying to be all smooth, but it ain’t natural, and he’s trying to lie about being there, when everyone knows they’re together. And he’s being a douche. Fuck you.

“Kevin, you don’t have to lie.” See?

“Possible?”

Yup, your gorgeous ears heard correctly, lady.

“Kevin?”

“Yes, sir?”

“She’s busy now.” So get the fuck out.

So he isn’t a professor at the university they lectured at okay.

“Your degree in philosophy surprises me, Dr. Reid. It doesn’t fit with mathematics and engineering.”

“I kind of like it because there’s no right or wrong answers.”

“Without right or wrong, how would we recognize perfection?”

What?

“Are you having fun?”

“It’s quite a bit more complicated than that.”

How?

“You wouldn’t understand.” “Try me.”

Hey! Not nice, Jason! Why assume Rossi’s an airhead?

“I’ve read your books, David. You’re not of the intellectual capacity to grasp what’s going on here.”

WHAT? Oh my god, that was one major burn.

“If you’re trying to piss me off, it’s not gonna work. But if you killed seven women without leaving a trace of evidence, why turn yourself in?”

So much for ‘not of the intellectual capacity to grasp what’s going on here’ XD

“Imagine what the world would have missed if Da Vinci never showed his work.”

So he sees himself as an artist? Oh god, I wanna barf.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“Why?”

FUCK YOU BITCH!

I’m about to slap that bitch in the face so hard, her brown, gorgeous skin would literally turn purple. I’m not kidding.

Fuck. The five Jason mentioned were the daycare lady and the four kids. Fuck.

“Are you pissed off yet, David?”

Oh god, I love this man so much, even if he’s the bad guy here.

“It’s not your fault, you know. Your IQ is your IQ. It’s not education, David, it’s genetics.” Oh my god, does he ever stop?

“What’s this?”

“I need to explain what a pendant it?” “What does it mean?”

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you.”

“You have the right to have an attorney present. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.”

“Do you understand your rights …”

And then Jason keeps on interrupting to make fun of Rossi and provoke him. Love it.

BAM.

“Do you understand your rights?”

He doesn’t want a lawyer? Oh boy.

“Harming a person weaker than you doesn’t take any special ability.”

“Neither does slamming your fist down on a table.”

WHOA.

“Bring Dr. Reid back with you.”

Now you’re making demands?

“I never have any normal fans.”

Oh honey.

“This guy loves the attention.” Ahem.

“He has a god complex.”

Well, that’s true.

“We need a button to push.”

Oh god, I love it when the real good actors get to be the most prominent. Amazing.

What’s reverse profiling?

“From the unsub to the victim.”

Oh boy.

Crap. Morgan didn’t get anything. Fuck.

“You have to be fingerprinted to be a teacher.” Why?

Sounds sketchy.

“What kind of professor doesn’t teach?”

“A researcher? Someone on a grant, maybe.”

God, I hate that woman.

“There must be some sort of central grant database. I can’t imagine the government just handing out money and not ….” Looks around. “I’ll look into it.”

I love you!

“Psychopath.”

To say the least.

“Be nice to them.” HA.

Wait. Did Hotch just pair up Morgan and Jordan? FUCK.

Ah. So Rossi is a genius. He wants to play with Reid’s mind, so they’re not gonna let him have what he wants. Awesome.

“Ok, how far could he have gone from Loretto and make it back to Fredericksburg by noon? There must be some sort of mathematical equation to do this.”

“Should have paid more attention in algebra.”

“Note to self, get Dr. Reid in here ASAP.”

I love you so much.

An incoming email?

Oh shit.

Penelope just got an email with a video of the victim. Fuck.

“You have something going on more important than me?”

“My dry cleaning is more important than you.”

Oh burn.

“I think you’re just a big-mouth wannabe who doesn’t have the guts to do anything at all about this.”

LOL

Wait. Did he just admit he was at it for five years? DAMN.

Did he just flinch away from Prentiss?

“A god like you doesn’t have a problem with women, does he?”

Oh crap.

They got him.

“Hiding in the weeds like a snake.”

Yup.

When it comes to women, he’s just a nervous bunny.

“Rules?”

Oh boy.

“Two o’clock.”

“And then there were four.”

WHAT?

Wait what?

“Every two hours, one of them will die.”

SHIT.

“Is there something else I need to know?” “Only that I’m rooting for you, David.”

Oh, Jason is a GENIUS actor! Fuck! He’s literally scaring the shit out of me.

And yes, I’m aware that I’m only 20 minutes into the episode. And no, I’m not sorry for making this the fucking longest review ever.

“There were four when I went to go get you.” Fuck.

“Well, maybe the gas provides another purpose.”

“Such as?”

Oh my innocent honeybun.

“It’s a chess game, he’s two moves ahead.” Shit.

Wait. David thinks he’s making progress? Then that’s good, right?

Hey! Whoa!

David. Calm down.

Hotch was just making a suggestion. Not a slight at your intelligence. Baby, relax.

Calmate.

Yeesh. Chillax.

I really don’t like Jordan. I really fucking don’t.

She just puts herself apart from the team and it’s not right.

And then Morgan tries to show her that she is now, and it’s fucking driving me insane, because she’s one bitch that I can’t stand. And I don’t normally do this to members of the FBI who join the team. Well, okay, I did it with Lynch, but once again, only because he was in my ship’s way.

“Do you know that I was born with an extra y chromosome?”

So?

“It means… I was born to be a killer.”

WHAT?

That makes no sense.

No wonder Rossi finds this funny.

“That’s junk science, a joke. It was debunked years ago.” I love you, Rossi.

“If those people die, it’s because you chose to make it happen.”

Word to mouth!

So that lady is an airhead, like I assumed.

Morgan just talked to her in the car, and she took nothing from it? REALLY?

He wants to talk to the husband, because men respond better to men. It’s basic. Ugh.

Hells yeah. It’s a fucking weird position to leave toys in.

My lovely genius.

“I know where to find them.”

WHOA!

“It’s an irrational number known as ‘phi’.”

“It’s based on the ratio of line segments to each other and of the whole.”

What?

“It’s called the golden ratio.”

“Golden rat.”

Yup. That’s the website.

“It’s a ratio found all through life. In fact, many people that we find conventionally attractive are proportioned based on that ratio.”

Damn.

“He made a reference to Leonardo Da Vinci, remember this?”

“Da Vinci used it in a lot of his paintings. As matter of fact, the Last Supper …”

“Reid, Reid, how do we find them?”

Yup. Hotch once again stopping my genius poodle’s tirade of infinite knowledge to get to the point XD

“The whole concept is represented by this pendant, including the logarithmic spiral created using a Fibonacci sequence. Follow me on this.” XD

“He’s subconsciously counting off the Fibonacci sequence in his head over and over again.”

Oh crap.

I love it when Spencer goes off on explanations that eventually prove he’s the most genius of geniuses to ever genius this earth, and then they find the victims.

WHOO!

Whoa. Hey. Hotch is taking Reid and Prentiss? Not Rossi? Weird.

“There’s still something bugging me about this.”

Why?

“Do you know what homo sapiens sapiens mean? It means man, wise, wise …”

“We named ourselves doubly wise.” Wow.

“Humans are a blight.”

What? “You hate humanity?”

“Every bit as much as you do.” What?

I’m really confused here. It was all because Rossi’s books mentioned that there is pure evil out there? Oh dear.

“Any man who feels that the only way to have power or purpose is to hurt others deserves pity.”

Wow.

“You may have your vengeance, as I am about to have mine.”

WHAT?

“They’re never going to make it out of that house, David.”

Oh dear.

“It is about your team.”

WHAT? NO!

Fuck you, asshole!

“The minute they stepped into that house, they were dead.”

Oh god no.

“You lose.”

Oh god.

Oh shit. The man Rossi called “the face of pure evil” is actually that fucker’s brother? Oh god.

So he had a fiancé, who broke it off with him, because of that fucking brother. Oh boy.

“Vengeance.”

Oh god.

“I killed twelve people, ‘cause of you.”

Wow. Okay, this review is long, and the finale is going to be long too. Prepare thyself.

“You took my family. I take yours.”

Oh dear.

“Did you get all that?” WHAT?

“Every word, boss.”

Oh snap!

They fucking recorded him! Oh my god.

Wait. Hold up. So they knew it was all a ruse? Reid figured out everything? They saved Kaylee and the kids? Derek is still alive? Oh thank fucking fuck!

“You’ll only face murder charges on the original seven women.”

“With no evidence.”

‘Yeah. You, uh, mentioned that when we first met, that we would never be able to get you on those. But I think you’ll discover that the videotaped confession has the power to move a lot of jurors.” BOOM.

YOU DO NOT SNEAK UP ON ROSSI!

Crazy Henry. Ugh.

“I’m going to be there when they strap you down for that lethal injection. And just before they hit the plunger, I’m going to lean in really close and tell you to say hello to your scumbag brother.” DAMN.

So Jordan apologizes to Derek, and he takes the blame? OH MY GOD THIS MAN IS IMPOSSIBLE!

Oh my god, this woman is driving me up the walls! Someone kick her in the shins!

“This is going to be interesting.”

Uh, no, poodle. It’s going to be annoying as fuck.

Jason looks so majestic here. Even though he’s being led to the execution. Damn.

Martin Luther King Jr.: “Man must evolve for all human conflict; a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”

LOVELY!

Okay. Whew. That was fucking intense. Holy shit.

Okay, so first off the bat, I HATE JORDAN TODD SO MUCH! Just had to put it out there.

Now, about Jason Alexander, holy shit that man is amazing, I can’t believe such an actor actually exists, where he can be this genius comedian on the one hand, and then this brilliantly dramatic actor who can assume any persona of the role he’s undertaking, and it was just breathtaking to watch him and Joe Mantegna working together. I was literally on the edge of my seat.

I literally cannot wait to see what else this season has in store.

So, I’m gonna cut this short, because this review has just exceeded the 3,000 word mark, and that is seriously long – I haven’t written fanfiction chapters this long in a while. Yikers.

So, I’ll leave it here, say THANK YOU because you are all amazeballs. And enjoy the photos that didn’t make it into the post above XD

[themigratingdesk]

Surviving Uni, Part Two

The semester itself (or at least the beginning--I trust you guys enough to figure out something that works for you based on your classes, needs, and methods once you settle in)

Part one available here

It’s a lot of (physical) work getting your stuff moved in, but you’re at college to do hard (mental) work in your classes. This means that you really need to try to get a strong start, so you can have a little more wiggle room later on if things start to pile up (professors often have a bad habit of scheduling assessments on the same couple days... not fun, but I guess they have to have something to grade per university regulations)

The first two/three weeks:

Go to all your classes. You can skip later on (with moderation--more on this later), but you want to make a good first impression with your professors, get them to know your name/face, and you want to get a feel for the how the rest of the class is gonna go. If you have an 8 AM, this is especially important so you can get in the habit of waking up in time to get ready, walk to your building, etc. 

Don’t use syllabus week as an excuse to slack off. Get your planner/bujo futurelog and fill in ALL your assignments ahead of time. The nice thing and the curse about college is that all your stuff is in the syllabus (an exception for this might be for language courses, because not every student is going to go the same pace and in language classes you really need most people to be on the same track, so professors might adjust that or only give out homework one week at a time) 

Get your textbooks within a week of class (or check your library for short-term rentals, like 2 hours at a time). There are cheaper options for textbooks than buying new from the official bookstore, so lots of people will tell you to wait until your professors actually tell you the book is required (or what order you’ll be reading them if you have lots of smaller texts like a lot of sociology classes of mine have done). Still, see above: get your readings done ASAP, then you can sleep/chill/explore your new town/etc on the weekends.

Have fun the first weeks. Even though you aren’t slacking, the workload is going to be easier the first week or two, so you will have more time to get to know people. Get a group together and go to that free yoga in the park or the cat cafe or take the bus to a different part of town and find some cute local shops. (Bonus: this is a good way to find study locations that won’t be totally swamped later on in the semester.)

Create your study schedule. Once you’ve gone through the syllabus and know where/when you’ll be working (if you have a job or will be wanting one), you’ll know when you’re free and when the readings/assignments should be completed (ie before class bc you’ll have reading quizzes, or afterwards to clarify anything missed during lecture). I’m using a schedule by @emmastudies that I keep in my accordion file--I have my classes written in pen, shifts marked with washi tape (since they’re subject to change), club meetings in pen (if you’re a freshman, use pencil for this, since you’ll quickly realize that you really only can be involved in 3 of the 30 you signed up for), workout schedule in pencil (since this changes a lot based on how I’m feeling/who’s willing to go with me), and scheduled times to work on meal prep/assignments/readings in pencil for the next couple weeks before I’ll finalize them in pen.

Set guidelines for skips. (I told you we’d come back to this!) Ideally, you could make it to every class every time on time, but come on. You’ll stay up late and sleep through an alarm, your roommate will get you sick, or if you’re anything like me, you’ll just need a mental health day. With that in mind, I made an absence tracker printable that can help you stay informed on what happened in class and identify different places you can go for help to make up what you missed. Before using that, though, think over the rules given in your syllabi regarding absences/participation points/etc and give yourself rules for what can excuse a skip. For example, if I can get out of bed but I’m coughing really badly or if I have a fever, I stay home and email my professors. Or if I can get out of bed but couldn’t bring myself to shower or go get food, I’ll try some coping strategies that my boyfriend sent me during a bad period of time last year before deciding to stay home. 

If you have any disabilities or chronic conditions, physical or mental, get documentation so your professors can provide accommodations. This can be extra absences without penalty, extended deadlines under certain conditions, more time on tests, etc. In my experience, most professors have been understanding even without documentation because they care about their students, but if you need an accommodation beyond attendance leniency, I’d definitely bring this up one on one after class or during office hours so that they both learn your name/face, see that you're upfront about your needs, and so that if there’s anything special that you need to provide as “proof,” you can get that process started early.

Finish setting up your room. If you’re in a dorm this is especially important since you have to be sharing the space, but in an apartment it also helps having a space tidy so you don’t have to worry about it when it’s 7:45 and you missed the bus to campus so now you have to find the keys to your bike lock because your class with mandatory attendance starts in 15 minutes >.> ...

Call home (family, friends, whatever). Say hi. Skype your dog. Make plans to meet up over break if your friends all went to different schools. 

Journal if you journal. Write some stuff down even if you don’t usually journal. I met my boyfriend of almost 2 years in the first week of college, and looking back in my bujo with some of the early outings we went on and my general “OMG” thoughts is great. Also take lots of pictures and post them to facebook if that’s your thing--the memories posts are going to be popping up, and looking back you’ll have a lot of thoughts.

As always, feel free to message me if you have any questions about class/clubs/roommates/majors etc!

Up next: my method for reading journal articles (a must for anybody in the social or “hard” sciences, also a good skill in general so you can make informed, evidence-based decisions)

My posts

My printables

Study tips