#I USED BAILEY because she’s actually a teen here

[creaturewoman]

they are going to eat you

[eagna-eilis]

I'm watching the 1994 'Interview With The Vampire' because I need to make my comparisons to my beloved AMC show and I haven't seen it for ten years.

Without further ado, my liveblog.

*

3.26: the straightwashing begins. Daniel and Louis did not meet in a gay bar.

Christian Slater is kinda cute tho.

5.00: Brad is already phoning it in. Jacob really had no competition at all.

9.05: the score is so melodramatic. kind of a bit much tbh. The flouncy shirts are 10/10 though.

10.44: I do love the line 'I'm going to give you the choice I never had' though.

15.35: also 'Actually I'm quite fond of looking at crucifixes'.

I'm remembering that I used to be able to recite lines from this film when I was a teen.

16.00: THERE WERE TWO COFFINS BOOOOOOOO. Not so in the book or series.

21.15: Lestat isn't being straightwashed as much, what with calling that fella a 'gorgeous young fop', but it's so caged in plausible deniability.

25.00: oh hey look, the racism from the book is in the movie what with the way the enslaved people are being portrayed.

29.00: Pitt's delivery is serving Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker and I don't like it but I DO like the fact that we get Pyromaniac!Louis in the movie. He didn't do a single pyromaniac in S1 of the show and it makes me very sad.

32.32: I do like the creepy harpsichord though.

General observation: I remembered Tom!Lestat being a lot flouncier and flamboyant but I guess he just felt that way compared with Stuart!Lestat. I actually used to really enjoy Tom's performance but it hasn't a patch on the sheer chaotic energy that Sam Reid brings in every scene of the TV show.

37.07: KIRSTEN KIRSTEN KIRTSTEN. She is the best thing in this film.

38.26: THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD LADY YET. Lestat dancing with the corpse is iconic even to this day.

39.40: I always quoted it as 'I always know where to find you Louis, I just follow the trail of rats' and delivered it with about twenty times more flounce, and so 'All I need to find you Louis is follow the corpses of rats' delivered unflouncily is not as iconic. Boo.

43.33: Kirsten whispering 'I want some more' is perfect though. Both she and Bailey play very different Claudias and both of them are incredible.

45.00: Tom!Lestat is so tender with baby Claudia and it makes me kinda sad that Sam!Lestat and Bailey!Claudia didn't get more cute moments together.

50.50: the bit where Claudia watches the bathing woman and says she wants to be like her is a really good piece of writing. In some ways I think we can consider Claudia of having a sort of dysphoria. She wants a grown up body, an exterior to match her interiority.

53.35: Kirsten really brought the rage. I love her.

59.00: 'I hope it's a beautiful woman with endowments you will never possess' is mean, but Tom just isn't as good at the meanness as Sam is.

01.06.15: I'm sad we won't get Swampstat on TV tho.

01.11.22: I love Kirsten waltzing in the dressmaker's in her pretty blue gown. Want Bailey to get a similar moment because I love Bailey.

01.12.12: A WILD STEPHEN REA APPEARED. fuckin Santiago. he IS a buffoon.

01.13.40: the only person in this film who projects any sexuality (hetero or queer) at all is Antonio Banderas as Armand. I know people were whining about Assad Zaman but he looks way more like I imagine Armand than Antonio does.

There isn't any comparing the two from here on out because we're past the end of S1.

01.26.06: I do enjoy that Armand reads some very questionable romantic energy between Louis and Claudia, because of course the fledgeling of freakin' Marius would read that. Marius is vile.

01.31.30: 'I haven't tears enough for what you've done to me' is also a great line.

01.38.50: The Pompeii effect of Claudia and Madelaine's remains is very smart.

01.40.35: TIME FOR ANOTHER EPIC PYROMANIA FROM OUR BOY.

01.44.32: THEY ALMOST SMOOCH. And then Louis is all like, 'Soz Armand I'm leaving' and Armand pulls a 'If you leave me I will die' but then he still leaves Armand. TV show Louis would never leave a shitty manipulative man so easily.

01.50.05: What I DO hope we get in the show in lieu of Swampstat is Pathetic Husk Lestat telling Louis he's beautiful and being genuinely scared of him and absolutely PETRIFIED of helicopters. Delightful. Sam would nail it.

01.53.10: Actually amazing that Anne only fit one 'preternatural' into her screenplay considering it was her favourite word.

01.55.00: Apropos of nothing, I love Daniel's car.

And now it's time for the ending which remains pretty iconic.

So.

Queue up Guns and Roses.

And say it with me with all the glee we ever said it with before we had the TV show...

I ASSUME I NEED NO INTRODUCTION!

(Tidy up your sleeves.)

OH LOUIS LOUIS, STILL WHINING LOUIS! HAVE YOU HEARD ENOUGH? I'VE HAD TO LISTEN TO THAT FOR CENTURIES!

*

Conclusions...

I don't begrudge it. It's all we had for a very long time.

I remembered Cruise's performance being way camper than it was. Maybe it DID feel camp before we had Sam Reid doing the hair toss and shoulder wiggle and being completely unhinged.

Brad Pitt was so badly miscast it wasn't funny. He gives off the most intense No Homo energy I have ever seen and it's cringe. He does look miserable, but not in the right way. He's so monotone he could be saying 'I hate sand'. His hair is the wrong colour. You never really get any sense of who Louis is as a person.

Compare that to the fuckin' revelation that is Jacob Anderson, who has incredible range.

Bailey Bass was the only one who had any competition in terms of performance and I think the AMC writers knew it. The fact that her Claudia is so different from Dunst's gave Bass the ability to go just as hard, to perform with just as much gusto and pathos and horror, and to not have to face comparison. Both actresses are incredible. I hope Bass's career is at least as successful as Dunst's has been because she's SO GOOD.

It's kind of dull, though, the movie. The humour in the TV series is so important because there is something deeply goofy at the heart of the VC (even if 'IWTV' is very serious compared with the other books).

The movie isn't my favourite vampire movie (that's 'Only Lovers Left Alive') despite the fact that Rice's is the only vampire lore I really care for. It isn't even my favourite Neil Jordan vampire movie. That's 'Byzantium'.

I'm glad it exists. I'm glad it was good enough to keep us going for 28 years. But it's like feeding from rats and pigeons when compared with the TV series, which is like a long drink from the jugular of an attractive member of your preferred gender. It sustained us, but it wasn't a true feast.

[akwardlyuncool]

Unpregnant (2020) - Movie Review

Based on the novel “Unpregnant” by Jenni Hendriks and Ted Caplan

CW: Subject of abortion.

Veronica Clarke (Haley Lu Richardson) is a 17 year old high school student who finds out that she’s pregnant, however based on the laws in Missouri and growing up in a very religious household, she decides to travel out of state to potentially take care of the situation. She enlists the help of her former best friend Bailey Butler (Barbie Ferreira) because when rumors fly and your current friends are at the center of the investigation, you kinda need someone on the outside that you can trust. The two then set out on a road trip to really test who they are as humans.

Now I did not read the book, but I had heard of it and seen it at the library, so I knew it was becoming a movie, I just can’t tell you whether it was true to the book or not. Here’s what I can tell you though, Unpregnant was a decent teen buddy movie. It’s a “let’s get the old gang back together because the current situation ain’t it and I need real people,” kind of movie. It’s also fairly honest about people with uteruses and the length they may have to go to for bodily autonomy, especially before they’re adults. Note: This movie and it’s book were made before the overturning of Roe vs Wade, however I think its subject matter is just as timely now as it was back in 2020 and way before that.

I think most people will agree with me when I say that one of the better parts of the movie is that most of the good and safe people in the film were all either POC or LGBTQ. Of course that’s putting a lot of the saving of the white woman on POC and LGBTQ people, for me though, it just gave more of an irony vibe that I could smile at. Like yes you should trust the cool lesbian friend or the random guy you just met and the Black man who is hiding from the government.

To go along with that, this story is still riding on a ton of privilege. They poke a lot at the “safeness” of the road trip that these girls are on, to get us to laugh, but we all know that in real life the danger of a trip like that, for the reason they’re taking it, is so much more elevated and less comical. Not saying that it wasn’t an enjoyable film, just that it was done through a lighter YA book lens and we have to grade the curve on that. There are very serious chunks of the movie that are done fairly well, but then there are also BIG comedy scenes (probably to break the seriousness up) that kinda bring things down a little bit.

Unpregnant is in most part about friendship and conquering fears. It fits in right along with other teen, coming-of-age movies that have been made in the last like 8 years or so and if you’ve enjoyed any of those I think you’ll like this one too.

.

.

Soundtrack Single Shout-Out:

I Love Me Too - Kirby

I realized that before anything else, I’d actually heard of this movie by way of the artist Kirby doing an episode of The Terrell Show and introducing me to her and then this song being introduced to me shortly after. Basically I’m just here to shout out the fantastic Kirby, who’s written many of your favorite pop songs  and that best song on the Unpregnant soundtrack. I love this song so much and if you need a new self-love anthem, you are more than welcome!

[anyathefandom]

Things I'm hoping to see on gh before the end of this year...

Drew x britt to become strangers to friends then lovers by lets say February. (Watch the writers be like "Okay I here you but carly x drew.😭)

The sprina kiss. Listen writers I'm begging.

Caoss to break up. This ship will forever makes me go "Go you guys!!! Give us nothing!!"

Esme's backstory.

The chalynn kiss. I've been waiting since last year. Writers you better deliver it to me by Christmas.

To see willow actually working at her job. Stop telling us that she gets praise at work when she's never shown at work. Like writers it's okay wiley and michael won't fall apart if she isn't attached to them. Like girl could be having her own sl at the hospital.

A messy cassadine christmas that includes anna and laura being there and wondering "why can't anyone just fucking behave?!"

Ooh I hope caoss and spesme are broken up by Christmas so esme can guilt trip cam into letting her do christmas with the webbers and finn/violet.

I'm going to need the writers to write in mrs.wu having a son slightly older than joss who she meets around christmas. I mean she should be out here flirting a mobster who happens to be brad's cousin. Make it happen writers.😈

I'm usually excited about the q's Thanksgiving but ned x olivia's drama has been irritating. If austin shows up him and blq are just going to argue with chase trying to calm both of them down. Drew is going to be confused asf because he has no clue wtf is going on.🙈 I haven't see millow's scenes but someone mentioned they aren't doing thanksgiving with the q's. Is that correct?

I would like to see maybe a power outage maybe some days or weeks before the Christmas episodes. Like we can get some candle lit love scenes with sante and chalynn could be bonding together with bailey as a family and they can have their first kiss together during it. The teens are finally doing that trip and sprina get to have their first kiss as well. Nina and sonny can get closer at charlies during the outage with them nearly kissing. Use the outage for sweet and sexy moments.😉

Olivia x ned getting a fucking divorce. I'm sick of them together.

More sexis scenes. I demand it.

A brad x lucas reunion. I'm not saying slap them back together but y'all can let brad free without him seeing lucas again.🤷

Valentin and spencer bonding at christmas. Like their my favorite cassadine men so let them bury the hatchett.

I really want another family to join pc and no I don't want them to be a mob family coming to mess with the corinthos.

Davis girls scenes consistently with ALL of them there. Krissy better be able to troll sante. I will never stop talking about it til it happens. Ooh I would love for the davis household Thanksgiving to consist of of course the davis girls, tj, shawn, dante, rocco, scout, danny and vanna. Drew can pop in as a surprise.😉

A cassadine thanksgiving: I would like to see the whole family gathering together at wyndemere and laura trying to keep the peace. Also I'm going to need portia to work that day and for trina to mention it to ava and for ava to invite trina over to spend thanksgiving with them. I want it so badly.

The baby lou sl needs to come to a climax by december or january. I'll get my fill of scenes with chalynn being a Loving family and then this irritating sl can end.

I hope we get an aged up jake and danny since we barely see them.

Emma can come to town planning to stay for the holidays but ends up wanting to stay in pc with anna until she graduates hs im a couple years and we get a love triangle with the brothers- jake and danny.😉

[jobrookekarev]

When Chip Babies Turn Into Real Babies

Chapter One of One

Words: 3463

Summary: Since Jo and Meredith managed the whole Hospital while the rest of them are high, as a special treat, Arizona and Alex plan a night for them to have a weed cookie get high. However, Arizona insists that Jo takes a pregnancy test beforehand just to be sure. 

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy.

Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson. 

Characters: Alex Karev, Jo Wilson, Meredith Grey, and Arizona Robbins.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Additional Tags: Weed, Unplanned Pregnancy, Surprise Babies, and of course chips.

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

……………………………………………………………………

“It was totally not fair,” Jo said a few days after the weed incident as they got ready for work. “Meredith and I kicked ass yesterday and we had an amazing presentation planned, but then you all got high as kites and we dropped everything to basically manage the whole Hospital. I did a solo surgery, a partial gastrectomy, and I saved a man's stomach all by myself while you ate chips and hung out with a baby, which are your two favorite things.”

“Yeah,” Alex could only nod and agree because babies and chips were his two favorite things, and he remembered the day with the chips and little Leo very fondly. “Hey, do you think Owen would let me babysit sometime?”

Jo just gave him a deadpan look before she continued to put the files in her bag. “And we didn't even get to do our presentations and now the whole thing is canceled! I’ve been stressed for weeks. I puked and got stress hives for nothing.” 

Alex put down his plate of eggs and walked over to her. He wrapped his arms around her waist. Jo remained stiff in his arms for a second before she sighed and relaxed, leaning against him as he kissed her cheek. “How about I make it up to you tonight, yeah? We'll get some pizza and beer and dirty the bed sheets.” 

Jo giggled and smiled as he rubbed his thumb over the bit of bare skin under her shirt. “That sounds great and maybe you could put your tongue to good use?”

“You know I love to please you,” Alex said with a smiled as he kissed her cheek and trailed his hand lower to the button of her jeans. 

He punctuated his words with kisses down her neck as his other hands slipped under the hem of her jeans. Jo giggled and turned her head to give him a proper kiss as their lips melted together before he pulled her over to the bed. There were some perks to dating an attending, in that, no one batted an eye when Alex made them late for work.

……………………………………………………………………

Alex looked around the halls of the surgery ward for Arizona. She was usually here after rounds and Alex spotted her coming out of a patient’s room and waved her over. 

“Hey,” Alex said, leaning in closer to her as Arizona gave him a weird look. “Do you by any chance have any of those weed cookies left over?”

Arizona immediately smiled and raised her eyebrows, giving him a nod. “Yeah, I’ve still got half the tin. You want another one after work?”

“Not for me, for Jo. She’s pissed I got to get high and eat chips a day, so I thought I’d make it up to her and let her try one,” Alex said with a smile.

He couldn't wait to see Jo when she was high. He could only imagine how cute a high Jo would be, as she was absolutely adorable when she was drunk. 

“Look at you being all considerate and doing something sweet for your fiancée,” Arizona said with a sickly sweet smile as she lightly slapped his arm with the back of her hand. “Yeah, of course. Do you want me to drop them off at the Loft?”

“Well, actually, I was thinking you could come over too,” Alex said, spotting Meredith as she walked by. “Hey Mer?”

“Yeah,” Meredith said, putting down her tablet and coming over to them. 

“I'm going to surprise Jo with one of the weeds cookies. Do you want to come over tonight and have one too?” Alex asked, if there was one thing he loved as much as a drunk Jo, it was a drunk Meredith. The two of them together would be absolute chaos but so fun, and he couldn’t wait to watch the two of them get high together.

“Oh, that’d be great,” Arizona said, as she tapped the counter in excitement. “Plus, it would help with the pain relief for your hand.”

“I don't know, I don't have anyone to watch the kids tonight,” Meredith said, looking a little hesitant. 

“Well, I heard Pierce and Zola we're going to have a Scrabble night, so enjoy that,” Alex said, raising an eyebrow at her.

He knew that Maggie and Zola's scrabble games were avoided by everyone else as much as possible, lest they get roped into being the judge between the two competitive girls.

“All right, I'm in,” Meredith said, immediately agreeing.

“Great! Why don't you both come over a little after eight and Jo and I should be home by 8:30 pm? I was gonna take her to get her favorite pizza as well. She’s been craving it for days,” Alex said with a smile, he figured if he was going to do this, he would go all out and treat his girl. “And I'll make sure that you and Jo can get the rest of the day off tomorrow.”

“Oh, that's smart,” Arizona said as she nodded with a little giggle. “I always feel a little extra lingering effects the next day and after the cookies, I was so out of it.”

“Sounds good,” Meredith agreed with a smile.

The two of them left and Alex looked around. He spotted Bailey walking down the hall and went to ask her about getting the next day off for Jo and Meredith. After getting everything set up, he wandered over to the balcony above the 4th floor nurses station. Alex couldn't wait for tonight as he paused and leaned against the railing. 

He easily spotted Jo at the nurse’s station ordering the interns around. Her brown hair was tucked back in the twin braids he had done for her that morning, although a few strands still stuck out around her face like a halo, and her skin glowed in the morning sun that streamed in through the windows. She worked so hard and had risen so far this year. She had forgiven him when he didn't deserve it, she had divorced Paul and fought for Jenny, and she had relentlessly worked on the mini-livers with Meredith. Most of all, she had grown in the confidence and assurance in herself that allowed her to succeed in her career. 

Jo must have felt his eyes on her as she finished sending off the interns and looked up to catch his eyes, giving him a smile. He easily smiled back and lay down to put his hand on his arm just to stare at her. He could hear Jo’s giggle from all the way up there as she wrinkled her nose when she smiled up at him again, before she held her head high and walked away. She had grown into an excellent surgeon and he was so proud of her. She deserved a night off to relax and have fun and let loose. 

……………………………………………………………………

After Alex took her out for pizza at her favorite spot, Jo was a little suspicious as he didn’t order them beer. Still, she let him lead her up the stairs to the Loft, as he pulled open the rusted red door. 

“Hey,” Arizona's perky voice greeted them and Meredith waved as they came in.

Jo looked over at her wide eyed before she glanced back at him, wondering why their friends were in their Loft. Arizona bounded over to them and quickly pulled Jo in for a hug. If Jo didn't know better, she would have thought Arizona was drunk or high, but it was just her bubbly personality. Alex took Jo’s bag and coat as Arizona led Jo over to the couch. 

“Hey, guys, what are you doing here?” Jo asked them before looking back at Alex, but he just smiled.

“Well, Alex mentioned you wanted to try the weed cookies, so I brought the cookies and some cheeses and chips, and a couple of other snack foods, and we decided to make a little party of it. Oh, and Meredith is here to try the cookies as well,” Arizona said, gesturing to where she had set up several snacks as well as water and a few sodas on the coffee table. 

“I started in on the crackers and cheese since you guys were taking so long,” Meredith said with a shrug as she took another bite of her little cheese sandwich.

“Okay, so Alex and I are going to remain sober, so the two of you are free to get as high as you want and will take care of you and make sure you don’t get hurt or anything,” Arizona explained, giving Jo’s shoulders a squeeze.

Alex grabbed a handful of chips for himself and Meredith gave her an excited smile before her eyes went over to Alex, who was just staring at her. He leaned against the blue chair with this little smile across his face, and she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. 

“You did all of this?” Jo asked, tilting her head and sharing his happy little smile. 

“Yeah, well, you said you are jealous that I got the day off and you didn't, and since you've been working so hard lately, I thought I'd give you the night and tomorrow off as well,” Alex said as he licked his lips, his eyes glanced from her lips to her eyes. 

“You're too good to me,” Jo said, leaning in to kiss him as he melted against her.

He leaned forward into her kiss and she had to lean back as he pressed himself against her as he often did. He just wanted to be as close to her as possible and she loved him for it. 

When he pulled back, Alex whispered against her cheek, words only for her to hear. “I love you too.”

Jo giggled as she untangled herself from him, although Alex didn't let her get far and put one hand around her waist as they walked back over to Meredith and Arizona. 

“Alright, let's get this party started,” Jo said, reaching for the cookie tin on the table and Meredith let out an additional cheer.

“Hold up,” Arizona said, sliding in front of Jo to prevent her from reaching the cookies. “There's one last thing I need you to do Jo, is there any chance you could be pregnant?”

“God no,” Jo said immediately as she shook her head at the ridiculous question. She reached for the cookies again, but Arizona just gave her a look and crossed her arms in front of her.

“Jo,” Arizona said, raising her eyebrows at her and Jo only glared at her. 

“No, there's no way. We're always consistent with birth control and condoms. Alex and I have been together for years and we've never even had a pregnancy scare,” Jo said, looking back at Alex as he just nodded in agreement, and even Meredith just shrugged from where she sat on the couch, munching on her cheese.

“Then it shouldn’t be an issue for you to take this,” Arizona said, holding out a box of pregnancy tests. 

Jo groaned and rolled her eyes as she grabbed the box out of Arizona's hands and walked over to the bathroom. This was ridiculous. There was no way she was pregnant. Her period wasn't late, she didn't have any symptoms, and she was always on top of her birth control. She reached the bathroom door and pulled it open before turning around to glare at all of them.

“Fine, but when this comes back negative, which it will, I'm going to get absolutely plastered, and you're all going to have to put up with me,” Jo said, giving them a smirk, and she could hear Alex laugh before she slammed the door shut. 

……………………………………………………………………

Exactly three minutes later, Jo emerged from the bathroom pregnancy test in hand and that same annoyed look on her face. As much as he knew he shouldn't, Alex loved her adorable little look of annoyance. He loved the way that her eyebrows raised up and her eyes glared at him. Her annoyance was just so funny to him, her anger, however, he would never wish that on his worst enemies. Still, he couldn't help but smile at the annoyed look that she gives him now. She clenched her teeth and crossed her arms, just standing there in the doorway of the bathroom, glaring at him. Alex just smiled from where he was sitting on the edge of the couch with his own bowl of chips. 

Arizona and Meredith looked up from where they were munching on the snacks and Arizona gave her a smile, picking up a cookie and waving it at her. “Well, are you ready to have a cookie?” 

“Oh yeah,” Jo said, as she tossed the pregnancy test at Alex.

He quickly caught it with a smile and got up to go over and toss it in the trash, but then he glanced at it. There were two pink lines, two of them, two pink lines that together spelled out a positive pregnancy test. Alex could feel his breath freeze in his lungs. His jaw dropped and the chip in his hand fell to the ground. He could feel his eyebrows raising as he just stared down at the test. His whole world changed around him in that instant. 

Jo was pregnant. They were going to have a baby.

He looked up at her and her annoyed look had faded into a small smile that graced her cheeks. She bit her lip and her smile only got wider as she saw his expression. 

“But I should probably wait nine months or so.”

“You're pregnant?!” Meredith and Arizona both asked at the same time.

Their excited voices rang in his ear as Arizona shrieked with excitement and slapped him on the back as he remembered how to breathe, just as Meredith crashed into him from behind and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Alex Karev is going to be a freaking Daddy!” Meredith screeched in his ear as both she and Arizona continued with their excited screaming. 

Alex practically dropped the bowl of chips, fumbling with it, but a few chips fell out before he just set it on the floor and rushed over to Jo. 

“You knocked me up,” Jo said, glaring at him, her arm still crossed as he reached out to her, but her annoyed look disappeared the second he put his hands around her waist and pulled her in.

“Did I?” Alex is still not quite believing it as he looks down at the pregnancy test in his hand, if only to confirm it again, the shock finally wearing off. “We're going to have a baby.”

“We are,” Jo said, looking up at him as she reached out to put both of her hands on the side of his cheeks, leaning in to kiss him before she wrapped his arms around her neck and buried her face in his shoulder. 

“Is this okay? Are you happy about this?” Alex whispered to her, putting his hand on her back, his fingers gently trailing down her spine. 

It wasn't planned, it wasn't discussed, they weren’t even talking about trying for kids. Sure, they had talked about wanting kids, but they had only spoken about having kids in the future, not having one today.

“I'm going to be pregnant on our wedding day,” Jo said as she pulled back, she had tears on her cheeks, but a little smile on her face. He could tell she was a little overwhelmed as she continued to nod her head. “But, yes. I'm so happy,”

“It would be fitting for us to have a shotgun wedding anyway, but none has to know, and you're going to be the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen. I'm so happy about this too,” Alex said, pressing his forehead against hers before he tilted his head to kiss her again. Jo closed her eyes as he reached out to hold her face, as a few tears dropped from her cheeks as she hid in his shoulder again.

They stayed in the moment together, just the two of them, and Alex held her. He moved his hand down to put it on her waist, over where their baby was growing inside of her. Then, once Jo was ready, she unhid herself from his shoulder, and they both turned back to Meredith and Arizona, who were still caught up in their excitement. 

As soon as they noticed the two of them, Meredith came over to hug Jo and whispered a few words in her ear as Jo nodded against her shoulder. Arizona brought over a bottle of champagne and apple juice, handing them two glasses before pouring him a drink and pouring Jo some apple juice. 

“To the newest addition to the Grey-Sloan family,” Arizona said as they all toasted their drinks. “I'm sorry about this Jo, I honestly didn't think you were pregnant.”

“It's okay, I should have realized it sooner. I've actually been pretty sick the last couple of days, and I just thought it was all because of the upcoming presentation for the mini-livers, but I guess not,” Jo said, looking up at him with a sneaky little happy smile. 

“I can't believe you two are going to be parents,” Meredith said, leaning over to give his shoulder a little push. 

“I know, right,” Arizona said as she and Meredith exchanged a smile. “Your guys' babies are going to be so stinking cute, though.”

“Their first word is probably going to be a swear word,” Meredith said as they all exchanged a laugh, knowing it was probably true given Jo and Alex's sailor worthy language.

“Yeah, well, we got nine months to clean up our act, and I think we could do it,” Jo said, looking over at Alex as they exchanded a smile. They got lost in each other's eyes for a moment in happiness as he leaned down to kiss her again, all while Meredith and Arizona's whooping and shouting brought them apart.

……………………………………………………………………

Arizona and Meredith stuck around a little while longer after that as they enjoyed the snacks and the rest of the champagne. They decided to save the cookies for when Jo could enjoy them as well. After a few rounds of drinks, Alex put them in a cab and sent them home. Afterwards, he walked back up to the loft and got into bed next to Jo. She was already settled in bed, so he crawled up her body and pulled up the sleep shirt that she was wearing. It was originally his, but he let her have the faded old black Hawkeyes wrestling shirt years ago. He pulled down the hem of her panties just a little bit so he could lay a kiss on her belly right where he knew their baby was. 

“Hey you,” Alex said, kissing her belly again as Jo’s hand went to the back of his head, tangling in his little curls, curls he hoped their baby had to. “Your mama and I are so surprised to find out that you're in there, but we're so happy that we unknowingly created you. We love you so much already. I want you to know that. Your mommy and I, we love you, and I don't want you to worry because I'm going to work so hard to give you everything you ever need or want. You are going to be brought up in a house full of love.���

Alex placed one last kiss over their baby before he placed his hand over her belly and looked up at Jo. She had tears in her eyes, but a soft smile across her face, as she placed a hand on the back of his neck and pulled him up to kiss him. 

“Thank you for that,” Jo whispered against his cheek when she pulled back.

“I mean it, Jo,” Alex said, reaching out to hold her cheek. “I want our baby to know that they were made with love and I want them to know that they are loved every second of the day.” 

“They already know that, because I know that. Every day I know that you love me because all I have to do is look at you, and I know that you love me. You say it to me every morning and every night.” Jo said in her eyes shone and her lips turned up into a smile. “And, I want you to know that I love you too. I love you so much, more than words can ever say.”

“I love you too,” Alex said as he leaned down to kiss her again. “I love you.”

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S2 EPISODE 18 + short Ep 1-17 english dub recap

AND I'M BACK WITH THE MADNESS.

Took a bit of a break from the Fruits Basket recaps because life happened and I wanted to focus a bit more on my art career and my webcomic. But, I came to miss doing the recaps! So, I'm gonna try and finish season 2 and do some of the left over recaps now in time for when Season 3 drops!

I HAVE however been re-watching the older episodes of Fruits Basket Season 2 with the english dub this time and I have a few notes!:

A shoutout to the wording used in the Yuki 'confession' scene on the beach with Tohru. However, in the sub the confession came across a lot more like platonic love to me and in the dub the confession came across a lot more romantic. (Especially in the episode after where Yuki says he doesn't regret kissing Tohru lol)

Laura Bailey stays killing it as Tohru. All the little vocal inflections are so freakin cute and make her sound more human! But that also speaks to the editing as well which is great. The balance between a little naive and scared and yet strong and determined in her scene with Akito was... amazing.

(Also... all of Akito’s most violent and hurtful moments are when it’s dark... I dunno I just found that cool and interesting lol)

Jerry Jewell in EPISODE 9?!?! His scene with Akito always gets me regardless but Jerry Jewell's performance was heartbreaking! Ah, I could cry. (I did) The little shake he did while declaring he wasn't in love with Tohru because he can't say that shit actually truthfully? 😩 Also... is he intentionally making Kyo’s voice sound a little deeper? It definitely sounded like it in that episode with Kagura. I like!!

While I LOATHE Akito, Colleen Clinkenbeard is amazing, I've never heard her sound this sneakingly evil! And yet... it's slightly carefree too. Reminds me a lot of Shigure. As I said before, Akito and Shigure's english VAs pair up so nicely in audible form.

I love how flirty Hatori was in the English dub when it came to him and Mayu’s episode. It was a really lovely performance from Kent Williams :) I always read that scene of Hatori just being friendly when asking Mayu out to get something to eat but this was a whole other wonderful take!!! <3

I LOVE KIMI TODO’S ENGLISH VA’S PERFORMANCE OMG. THANK YOU, CHERAMAI LEIGH 🤣

Kakeru’s English VA continues to sound cuter and cuter... 😘 Whassup, Aaron Dimsuke? I kid, lol

I lovee the fact that Haru calls Yuki ‘fragile and kind’ (two typically feminine presenting descriptions) and Yuki took it as a compliment! I dunno about the description of fragile as many people could take that offensively, regardless of gender, but the way it’s explained here it’s almost like he’s describing him as precious?... Coulda went with that instead...

I like the decisions for the moments where Mikaela Krantz emphasises on Momiji’s put on German accent and when she tones it down and return to his natural voice

But anyways... lol, this episode was... a LOT. Not an easy breezy one for me to come back to at all... I’ll be watching the english dub.

TIME TO DIVE BACK IN!

-------------------------------------------

- Hiro's so cute at the start of this episode talking about his sibling and how he wants to look out for his mum. Of course, it's in the most Hiro of ways but this scene definitely warmed me up to him a lot more :)

Hiro’s mum is like a future Tohru, haha

That hair animation they give Rin is always great 😂 I hope Takaya-sensei is proud.

It’s so curious how Hiro speaks so honestly and true to Rin yet is so careful of her emotions. He’s never really been like this with anyone but Kisa, especially not the other teens or adults. It kinda shows how much seeing what happened to Rin by Akito’s hands really got to him and traumatised him. Of course, Hiro’s not just doing this because of his trauma but cos he genuinely cares!

- I noticed that there was a slight parallel between Hiro + Kisa and Rin + Haru. Kinda highlights why breaking the curse is important to Hiro and gives more reason as to why that event with Rin and Akito freaked him out.

- I dunno if this is intentional or just an animation glitch but I’ve noticed that in that long panning shot in the opening theme that closes into Yuki, Tohru and Kyo looking at the sunset, it looks like Kyo’s experession kinda ‘glitches’ in between a smile and a stoic look. Again, I don’t know if it was intentional, but I like to think it’s as a little show of Kyo not really managing to attain true happiness fully (for now anyway).

- (Also, I think that this opening song might come third in my list of most favourite opening songs in Fruits Basket history!!! <3<3<3)

- I’m super glad that Shigure and Rin scene didn’t go any further than it needed to... 👀 but the fact that Rin thought ‘Gure would be up for using her body as a bargaining chip says more about Shigure than Rin in my humble opinion...

Self-loathing? From Shigure? Unexpected. Empathy? For him? A little.

...Damn it.

🤣

I’m sorry. This scene is very gorgeous, well lit and beautiful and dramatic. But, I can’t not laugh at how early 00s gothic romance this is! But, I love it. It’s sweet and probably the first ‘raunchy’ scene we’ve gotten in this anime, ooo la! But, that kiss animation was kinda awkward for me, sorry. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I hate that Rin is AGAIN getting Outfit Appreciation Award when she’s literally killing herself with stress and worry but... amazing wardrobe as always. 5 stars.

Is it just me or does every zodiac member see Tohru as a parental figure or associate her with motherhood, except for Kyo?... 

*mentally notes essay of Tohru being the depiction of being a ‘merciful God’ compared to Akito being the decpiction of being a ‘vengeful God’*

Heartbreaking. 

but... WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE TO HAVE PARENTAL ISSUES?!

Also, Briana Palencia in this scene was amazing. Everyone is so, so good in this show! Dub and sub!!

...I totally forgot about this bit of Rin’s backstory. I love that they really highlighted how drastic the change was from happy family to an abusive household. Obviously, there must have been some cracks in the frame of the happy family and Rin as a child was inquisitive enough to see them. ...Only for her to be later punished for it. 

Kazuma!!! He and Tohru just be constantly saving these zodiac kids, man.

- Rin’s parents might just be at the same level as Kyo’s dad on the ‘WORST PARENTS OF THE ZODIAC CHILDREN’ list. Well... until later...

🥺💝

Beginning to understand why they’re so attached and bonded to each other now. <3

- Also, lowkey, Kagura’s mum is great! From her protecting Kagura from going to the beach house because of Akito to her taking Rin in without question! And she seemed completely cool with Kyo too! Yay to good parents in anime!!!

- The confession scene between Haru and Rin is so pure and blunt yet romantic and just... so them <3

- I’m not even gonna put any screencaps from the final scene with Akito because I find Akito is just disgusting. But, really? Pushing someone off the balcony?! I mean... I remember why Akito’s feelings for Rin are so strong and darkly intense but I still can’t excuse their actions. I kinda don’t like that they presented this very abusive and violent moment as... poetic? I mean, it matches Rin’s ‘style’, I guess? But... this is just someone going past the limit.

- And her landing like that on the conveniently pointy stone? I was surprised she didn’t damage her spine...

----------------------------------------------------------

I’m so happy I’m watching Fruits Basket again! This anime really is the best! And it DESERVEDLY won Best Drama at the CrunchyRoll Anime Awards! Yayyyyy! Sorry, if this ended on a weird note, I did enjoy this episode. Just a very dark one to return to 😅

See you... soon? Haha!

[aliencowboyqueen]

FIC: The Rules of Accidental Dating (14)

Pairing: Alex/Kyle

Summary: In which Kyle and Alex accidentally pretend-date their way to love.

Rating: Teen+

Note: As far as this fic is concerned, Season 2 doesn’t exist. Or Season 3. Or anything after Season 1.

Find Chapter 1 here. | Find previous chapter here. | Fic Masterlist.

 Kyle knows he shouldn't be this comfortable with waking up to Alex in his bed. Yet he opens his eyes expecting to see the other man beside him and something within his stomach stirs and flutters when he is met with that exact sight. He smiles lazily when Alex opens his eyes.

"Have you been watching me sleep?" Alex asks and his eyebrows jump a little. 

"You're one to talk," Kyle says instead of defending himself. He places his hand over the one resting on his chest. He feels the heat Alex's palm pressed to his body is emitting, even with his shirt separating them and preventing direct contact. 

"We've had this conversation before," Alex replies with a roll of his eyes, but he doesn't rush to pull away his hand. Neither of them is in a hurry to move. 

Kyle lets out a sigh of contentment. He should perhaps assure Alex that there is no medical reason to worry about him ceasing to breathe in his sleep, but he doesn't mind too badly that Alex keeps touching him. The fact that the soldier feels free to is a reward in itself, even if Alex only thinks Kyle's sleeping is weird.

They fall into pleasant silence. It's comfortable. It's exactly as mornings should be. 

Then Alex speaks.

"I've been thinking," he says.

Kyle doesn't want the moment to get serious. They've been through all sorts of serious things lately. Aliens and military and death and resurrection and heartbreak and murder attempts and government conspiracies and family drama, they've seen it all. Moments of respite are so rare and so far apart that Kyle isn't ready to give this one up yet. He doesn't have that much downtime, he wants to use all that available to him to his advantage.

So he mock-gasps.

But to his disappointment, Alex just glares at him. "I'm being serious. Please, be serious for a moment."

"I can be serious," Kyle protests, then mimics zipping up his mouth.

Alex rolls his eyes. He sighs. When he next opens his mouth, he shocks Kyle more than he'd imagined possible. "I think I should talk to my brothers."

Kyle sits up. So fast he might have pulled something in the process. "What? No! We've been avoiding them for a reason." 

Alex rolls onto his back. "I know. And I am tired of it. Aren't you tired of running yet?" He expels air from his lungs in one long exhale. “At some point, you have to stop running and face the danger head on. Or you’ll run off a cliff.”

“That was deep.”

“Little morning philosophy,” Alex replies. Though it comes across as an attempt at a joke, he looks serious. “I tried running. From Roswell, from Michael… It never works. And maybe facing things head on doesn’t always work either, but at least I…” He runs his fingers through his hair with another sigh. “In the end, it leaves you feeling less helpless.”

Kyle knows what he means. He is glad he has explored the mystery of his father’s death and faced all of it himself. Even if it has forced him to confront some dark truth about his personal hero, he is glad he hasn’t run away from the truth. That he actually found the answers rather than accepting the story given to him, hiding from the possibility of complications and danger. Sure, he hasn’t expected to find what he ended up discovering, but he knew from the start that it would be a ride that’d turn his world upside down. But…

“If I had confronted your father head on, I would be dead,” he says. When Alex opens his mouth to protest, Kyle places his fingers against his lips without thinking. “I thought about it, when he was following me. I thought about whether I could walk out with a gun and face him. I knew even before I decided to walk into the gun store that I couldn’t do that. I’m a doctor, not an action hero.”

Alex takes hold of his wrist then and interrupts Kyle by pulling his hand away from his lips. “Was that another pop-culture reference? You can’t keep referencing things you’ve never seen during serious conversations.”

Kyle blinks. He shakes his head. “No?” He has no idea what Alex is hinting at.

“We need to watch Star Trek, too,” Alex sighs. “As soon as our life calms down a little.”

“Will it ever?”

When Alex lets go of Kyle’s arm, Kyle wraps his arm around Alex’s waist. It’s comfortable and grounding. Kyle has been thinking about kissing Alex a lot, ever since their dessert date, but right now he is comfortable to just lie here with him. Alex smells good and Kyle could get used to his sheets always smelling like him.

Bailey stirs on her pet bed at the foot of theirs then. She yawns. Kyle smiles. Despite their conversation, he likes the domesticity they have going on.

“We should take her out,” he says, even as the dog rests her head on her paws again. Not that he moves to do so. He can see the alarm clock from his current position and the numbers say that they still have a while before they need to be anywhere.

“I think we can have a shower first,” Alex says, yawning as well, and before Kyle can get ideas, he adds: “At least I’m going to do that.”

Kyle nods. He slowly extracts himself from his friends and lets Alex sit up and grab his crutches. He doesn’t want to stare, but he can’t take his eyes off Alex. He isn’t sure exactly when he realized how attractive Alex is and how much of an effect it has on Kyle.

If Alex knows he is staring, he doesn’t react. Instead, he makes his way to the bathroom and after some reluctance, Bailey follows after him. She attempts to, at least, but soon decides it’s much too early and lies down again. Kyle’s company is enough. At least until he, too, gets up to get the coffee going. She follows after him into the kitchen, not wanting to be left alone.

It occurs to him that Bailey thinks of them as a family. She has no reason not to. By the time Alex got her, their lives were already all tangled up. Kyle hopes he never has to explain to her otherwise. Having her around is as pleasant as having Alex. Having him around, that is.

“So what do you propose we do?” he asks Alex, when Alex emerges some time later, showered and dressed and with his prosthetic attached. “If you want to stop hiding from your brothers?”

Alex quirks an eyebrow at him. “We?” he asks and Kyle shrugs, because of course it’s ‘we.’ They’ve been in all this together for a long time.

He hands Alex his coffee and Alex sips it while looking for Bailey’s collar and leash and continuing the conversation. “I thought about what you said the first time. Playing Home Alone with them at the cabin.”

“Is that what you want to do? Start spending more time at your cabin, start advertising that that’s where you are, set up traps for when they come?” Kyle shakes his head. Alex is incredibly smart, but that sounds like a terrible idea.

Alex must think so, too, because he shakes his head with a laugh.

“No. I’d just like to be ready when I meet them… I’ve been thinking about inviting them over for dinner.”

[berlinini]

Why Must We Hate the Things Teen Girls Love?

My teenager years are far beyond me now but I found this 2018 article by Laura Moss very interesting. It tackles the way things that female teenagers love (Taylor Swift, Twilight, One Direction, etc) are not only brushed off as non-important but are actually mocked by society, especially in the media.

Here are some quotes that stood out.

(...) "There's an underlying assumption that teen girls are not in control of their emotions or interests and become overly excited or upset for no reason," [feminist writer and activist Bailey Poland] said. "When the reality is that teen girls are often very intentional about what they're interested in and aware of the social influences behind those media products, and they deliberately use excitement and passion as the foundation for community-building and empathetic development."

(...) "I remember, very clearly, what it was like to be a teenage girl. To always feel like my opinion didn't matter, to always feel like my very approval of something instantly lessened its cool quotient," she writes. "We make sure [teen girls] know that their interests are vapid and trite. We hate everything they love, on principle. How are they supposed to grow up to be writers, thinkers, artists, lawyers, doctors or anything when they feel subhuman?" [Poland]

(...) "The next time you have the impulse to dismiss something out of hand because it's popular with teen girls, stop and ask yourself if that dislike is based on who seems to enjoy it the most. Unpacking that attitude internally and changing the ways we interact with teen girls to be more respectful, understanding and empathetic is crucial." [Poland]

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe Alternate Future chapter 9: Little Graduation (originally posted on March 15, 2021)

AN: It's good to be back in business! Steven Universe: Alternate Future has returned at last, and with it, the plot begins to thicken. If I were to compare all four parts to RWBY, the previous one is Volume 1 (goofy fun times with some fighting), this one will be Volume 2 (a fine mix of both), Part 3 is Volume 3 (everything goes to hell), and finally Part 4 is a mix of Volumes 4 & 5 (dealing with the aftermath of Part 3, but things will get much better at the end.) Anyways, can Steven keep a lid on his negative emotions? How long before he learns what Black Rutile has planned for him? And will he be both physical and mentally strong enough to fight one last evil Gem? Tune in and find out!

Synopsis: As Steven prepares a party for Little Homeschool's first graduating class, his fears of growing apart from his friends slowly become reality.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven

Matthew Moy as Lars

Kate Micucci as Sadie

Indya Moore as Shep

Brian Posehn as Sour Cream

Lamar Abrams as Buck

Reagan Gomez Preston as Jenny

Erica Luttrell as Padparadscha Sapphire

Kathleen Fisher as Fluorite

Enuka Okuma as Rhodonite

Ashly Burch as Rutile Twins

Deedee Magno Hall as Morganite's Pearl

Charlyne Yi as Morganite's Ruby

Laura Bailey as Titanite

Michaela Dietz as Blue Lace Agate

Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald

--

"Teens by day, hey! We're all right." Steven began singing along to Sade Killer and the Suspects' hit song as he drove away from home one relaxing day in Beach City. "Teens by day, but every night we're Sadie Killer and the Suspects! Whoa, Sadie Killer and the Suspects!"

Steven continued singing as he drove through Beach City until he made a stop at Lars's interstellar pastry shop Spacetries. Today was a special day, and Lars was going to be an essential part of it.

"Hey, Blue Lace." Steven greeted the Agate as he entered the shop.

"Hey, Steven." Blue Lace replied with a wave. "If you're looking for Lars, he's right over there." She added before getting back to rolling some dough.

"Hey Steven, here to pick up the cake?" Lars asked while looking over the order Steven placed.

"Yeah," Steven answered. "but I also wanted to check up on you. How are things?"

"Oh, y'know, same old same old." The pink man replied just as the door opened behind the pair. "Wait, is that-"

"Hey Steven, hi Lars!" Sadie Miller cheerfully greeted the duo. When Steven and Lars turned around, they saw that Sadie had changed a lot since they last saw her. Sadie's hair was now fully blonde again and in a ponytail. She wore a pink headband, had a white shirt with a blue one tied around her waist, and black pants. "Long time no see, you two."

"Sadie!" Steven cheered at the sight of his old friend. "Oh my gosh, I can't remember the last time we were together in a pastry establishment!"

"Yo Sadie, I got your moon cakes." Lars said, presenting a box with a moon symbol on the sides to his former co-worker and handing it to her.

"Thanks, Lars." Sadie responded gratefully as she took the box of moon cakes.

"So, how are things going with you and Shep?" Lars followed up.

"What?" Steven asked, completely confused about who the pair were talking about. "Who's Shep?"

"Shep's my new partner." Sadie said to Steven. "They're real cool & chill, and I can't believe we've been dating for two months now!"

"That's cool, I guess." Lars said awkwardly. "Tell them I said hi for me."

"Will do, Lars." Sadie replied as she left the store. "See you again someday."

"Shep, someday?" Steven continued asking, still unaware of what was going on. "Is there something I'm missing?"

"As Sadie said, Shep's her new partner." Lars reiterated for his ex-girlfriend. "They met while the Suspects were touring, and love was just in the air for them from there. I met them myself, and I find it nice Sadie fell for someone who isn't a real piece of work like I was back in the day."

"Yeah, you were kind of a jerk back then." Steven chuckled nostalgically. "Which reminds me, why did Sadie say "see you again someday"?"

"Oh, that." Lars said, nervously rubbing his neck. "Really wish I told you earlier, but I'm gonna be going back to space once the Off-Colors graduate tonight."

"Wait, you're leaving Earth so soon?!" Steven gasped at the shocking news. "But what about the shop?!"

"Don't worry, Steven, I'll cover for him!" Blue Lace called from her counter.

"Thanks, Blue Lace! I always could count on you." Lars said to his employee before returning to Steven. "I'm just ready to move on, cause that's just life. You get what I'm saying, right? I mean, now that Little Homeschool is all finished, what do you wanna do now?"

"I, uh…" Steven began stumbling over his words at the thought of thinking about what to do next now that he's saved the universe from the Diamonds' tyranny and resolving most of his issues with his family.

"Hey, graduation cake's ready!" Lars declared, derailing Steven's train of thought. "See you tonight, Steven, okay?"

"Okay." Steven replied.

--

"When me and my partners first discovered fusion, it was the most wonderful experience any of us had shared, and couldn't bear to be torn apart from then on." One of Fluorite's components, a large green Gem named Titanite, said to an audience of fellow Gems and humans later that night at the big graduation ceremony. Behind her stood her lovers, Lavender Jade, Iolite, Rubellite, Indicolite & Verdelite, along with the Ruby & Pearl that make up Rhodonite, the Rutile twins, and Padparadscha Sapphire. "Even when we declared pariahs for our love, we refused to let it get us down. Now, centuries later, we're finally free to express ourselves without fear of persecution, and we couldn't be happier. Thank you, Steven, for everything."

The audience began cheering as Titanite bowed and returned to her partners to give them all a big hug, which resulted in them all forming Fluorite once again. "Oh my." She said slowly. "It really has been so long since we've been apart."

As Fluorite took her place alongside the other Off-Colors, Ruby and Pearl were next. "As Titanite said, fusion was the most wonderful time we spent together." The Pearl stated. "In fact, Fluorite was the first cross-Gem fusion just like us that we encountered, and our little Off-Color family grew from there."

"The Morganite we formerly served refused to let us fuse because she feared it would endanger her status until she finally had us replaced." The Ruby added. "When we got the news, we fled as soon as it was broken to us while Shattering Robonoids chased us down. But thankfully, we were able to survive, and now, here we are."

The audience cheered again as the pair of Gems kissed on stage, once again merging into Rhodonite before she took her place alongside the Off-Colors. Next to make a speech were the Rutile twins.

"My sister here and I popped out as one Gem due to some incident with the Injectors that created us." The left Rutile explained. "We weren't even supposed to live, but we did anyways because all the other Rutiles ran from us."

"We were nearly shattered right then and there, but Fluorite found a way to help us escape, and there we stayed." The right Rutile added. "At least, until Steven and Lars came into our lives, on the run as well. We helped them out, and they helped us in return. And we couldn't be more grateful."

As the Rutiles left the mic, Padparadscha Sapphire became the last Off-Color to give a speech. However, hers was a lot shorter. "I'm going to give a grand speech at the graduation ceremony tonight!" she declared brightly. "Oh, what fun!"

The crowd began laughing before Steven took the mic for himself and led Padparadscha away. "Thank you, Paddy, that was very moving." He joked, prompting more laughter. "We're all so proud to see our graduates grow and stay together as everyone goes their separate ways while moving onto bigger and better things. Well, besides me, of course. I'll be staying right here in Beach City, teaching the next generation of Little Homeschool graduates. Okay, now move those tassels!"

The Off-Colors each moved the tassels on their caps.

"Now, let's give a hearty con-grad-ulations to our first alumnae of Little Homeschool!" Steven exclaimed, prompting everyone to cheer.

--

Soon after, the Off-Colors left the stage while a party celebrating the ceremony commenced. Steven wandered around the beach, looking around at Gems and humans interacting before seeing Sadie interacting with someone he never saw before. They were dark-skinned and wearing a backwards cap, a crop top, nose ring, purple joggers, blue and white high-tops, four colorful bracelets, and a dark green backpack.

"Oh, hey Steven, I never got the chance to introduce you to my new partner." Sadie called for Steven. "I'd like you to meet Shep."

"It's nice to meet you, Steven." Shep greeted Steven.

"So, is it true that you and Sadie have been dating for almost two months?" Steven asked Shep.

"Yeah, that's true." Shep replied. "We met during one of Sadie's concerts a while back, and after exchanging numbers, things just fell into place."

"You know, some people say you don't really get to know them until you get stranded on an island with them." Steven chuckled, though Shep didn't get his joke.

"Uh, do people really say that?" Shep wondered. "Whatever. Sadie and I are going to get cake; then we'll perform at 7."

"That's right." Sadie laughed before the two of them left for some graduation cake. "See you then Steven."

"Wait a sec; I thought you were performing with the Suspects?" Steven halted Sadie for a bit.

"Actually, Shep and I are planning to do a song together." The ex-donut girl said, gesturing to her non-binary partner.

"Uh, cool. Can't wait to get it." Steven replied nervously.

"Cool." Shep smiled as they left with Sadie. "Catch you later."

Steven noticed Lars was also going to get some cake and tried to block his path. "I wouldn't go over there if I were you."

"Is something the matter Steven?" Lars asked his younger friend. "I mean, the cake was just what you ordered."

"No, it's about Sadie and Shep." Steven revealed while gazing at the couple.

"Oh, nice." Lars grinned. "I'll stop by and say hey."

"But, aren't you okay?!" Steven tried to call for the pink man.

"Aren't you?" Lars repeated Steven's question, causing the half-Gem boy to put on a fake grin.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Steven replied before he spotted Jenny Pizza sitting on the stage, having herself a drink. "'sup, Jenny?"

"Hey Steven!" the Pizza girl greeted Steven. "Looks like everyone's enjoying the graduation so far."

"Yep, everyone but me." Steven said sorrowfully. "I guess it looks like everyone's got something new going on."

"Yeah, it's not a bad thing, though," Jenny replied before she began pointing at both of her fellow Cool Kids. "Sour Cream has regular gigs as a DJ in Empire City." She explained while Sour Cream laid on Fluorite's massive head, and Buck conversed with Rhodonite at the refreshments. "And Buck's got into medical school, so he's gonna be saving lives in like, 20 years. Meanwhile, I've been going all out on my new phone jackets."

"What's that?" Steven asked before Jenny pulled out her phone, which was wearing a miniature coat to demonstrate.

"It's my new online business," Jenny explained. "We, and I'm using the royal we here, make the finest jackets suited for your mobile device."

"Aw, it's got little pockets!" Steven cooed in amazement at the jacket's features before he made another discovery. "And it's got its own little phone too! How are you going to find time to make and sell these?"

"Well, I'm gonna have a lot of time now that the Suspects are breaking up." Jenny casually revealed to Steven's alarm.

"Seriously, what?!" Steven yelled in shock.

"I suppose Sadie didn't tell you." Jenny guessed, just as Sadie and Shep returned from eating cake.

"Hey Steven, you ready for us?" Sadie asked.

"Oh, yeah, sure!" Steven suddenly remembered and walked over to the microphone. "So, is everyone having a good time tonight?" he asked the audience, and they cheered in response. "Who here's a Sadie Killer and the Suspects fan?! Cause tonight's performance only has one member."

"Oh boy." Lars muttered.

"So, please welcome to the stage," Steven continued, but then stopped to ask the two musicians. "Uh, what's your band called again?"

"We haven't thought of a name yet." Sadie admitted.

"Uh-huh, well, could've asked me." Steven giggled nervously before he began to walk offstage. "I'm really good at naming bands."

As Steven left, Sadie turned the microphone to her. "This is a little something Shep and I have been working on lately." She announced. "We hope you all like it."

"We will accept any criticism afterward." Shep stated when Sadie pointed the microphone to them before playing their recorder, cuing Sadie to sing.

"When I was younger and I hated fun," Sadie sang. "I was always looking back on what I should've done. I used to live my life in fear, of all the bad performances that led me here. But, I'm looking forward, I'm looking forward. I'm looking forward now."

While the song continued, Lars turned away from his ex on stage and proceeded to walk away.

"Lars?" Steven said to the donut boy turned space hero.

"Oh, hey Steven." Lars calmly greeted his friend, who began to run after him.

"Lars, wait up!" Steven called. "Hey Lars, where are you going?"

"I'm just gonna bounce, only wanted to spend time with the old gang before the Off-Colors and I go off-world," Lars answered. "Big parties really ain't my thing."

"But, you're leaving Earth tomorrow!" Steven cried as his body began taking on a faded pink hue. "When can I ever see you again?"

"You can see me whenever." Lars tried to assure Steven. "I've got the same powers as that lion of yours, so you can just pop out of my hair whenever you want."

"W-w-w-wait, please don't go!" Steven begged the space captain.

"It's been real Steven." Lars said farewell, or so he thought.

"Lars," Steven muttered before he fully turned pink. "STOP!"

Suddenly, Lars found himself bumping into a pink wall that slowly grew into a massive dome that trapped everyone at the ceremony.

"Steven, what's happening?!" Lars yelled as he pounded on the wall of the dome.

"I have no idea either!" Steven exclaimed in response.

"Really, you got no idea where this dome came from?!" Sour Cream yelled.

"Let's hope it doesn't end up like in that book!" Buck replied.

"I think this dome was created by someone having some powerful emotions, and I think we all know who it is." Steven declared before pointing to who he thought it was. "Lars!"

"Wait, what?!" everyone else gasped in shock.

"I don't think that's right!" Lars said defensively.

"No, I'm sure I'm right!" Steven lied to get out of opening up about his own feelings. "We won't get out of here until you work things out with Sadie! I'm pretty sure you guys haven't even talked since you got back, Lars!"

"We actually did, a few times." Sadie revealed solemnly. "Look, Steven, we did try to reconnect, but things just didn't work out between us. Plus, there's also the fact that despite how much we changed, we just weren't right for each other."

"Sadie knows I miss her, and I'm just too happy that she found someone to love herself." Lars added, prompting a touched reaction from Shep.

"And I know Lars is happier being with the Off-Colors in space." Sadie said.

"But when did this happen?!" Steven cried in disbelief. "I wasn't there for any of that!"

"That's because it was private!" Sadie answered.

"Yeah, I mean, you can't just stick yourself into other people's lives like the universe revolves around you and things only happen with you around." Lars pointed out. "Trust me; I know what that's like. Mostly the universe revolving around you part."

The crowd inside the dome was silent for a tiny bit, except for Jenny letting out a cough.

"But, I thought you were leaving because you were jealous of Shep." Steven broke the silence.

"I'm leaving because traveling through space is tons of fun." Lars declared. "Adventure is out there, as they say, and there's still tons of adventures for me and the Off-Colors to go on. Heck, we can even teach other planets what you taught us!"

"Okay, so there's nothing to work out then." Steven realized, but then he noticed something. "Hey, is it getting claustrophobic in here, or is it just me?"

The dome began to shrink more and more, despite everyone's best efforts to push it back.

"Steven, you want to get rid of this dome already?!" Rhodonite panicked while helping the Cool Kids try to keep the dome from shrinking.

"I'm trying, okay?!" Steven yelled anxiously. "Just gotta concentrate real hard!"

"Hey, Steven?" Shep stepped forward to comfort Steven.

"Not now, Shep, still concentrating!" Steven tried to ignore Shep.

"Please, listen to me." Shep urged the boy.

"Look, if I don't get rid of this dome quick, all my friends will die!" Steven screamed, now on the verge of tears.

"Wouldn't be the first time." Lars quipped in the possible face of death.

"Okay, but your magic's connected to your feelings, correct?" Shep theorized as they looked around them. "This is just a hunch, but it seems you made this dome because you're sad your friends are leaving, and want them to stay with you."

"I don't see what you're talking about." Steven replied.

"No, listen, you'd be surprised at how observant I can be." Shep assured Steven. "I think maybe you're figuring yourself out, and you want some friends to help you."

"Okay, you're right!" Steven confessed. "I've always been trying to help my friends, but now it seems like they don't need me anymore! I don't know who I am without them!"

"Aw, Steven, you're great. But you still need to let us go and live our own lives." Sadie convinced him while the dome began to squeeze them all together.

"I know, but I don't want to hold any of you back." Steven let out his current feelings as he felt himself get crushed between the dome and Fluorite's body. "I just can't help it if my big ol' heart still loves you all."

"Awww, Steven!" Jenny squealed in delight.

"We'll all still be friends." Sadie assured her little friend.

"Even if some of us are lightyears away." Lars added hopefully.

"You guys." Steven giggled before he returned to his normal color, and the dome finally disappeared.

"Hm, that wasn't the worst party we've been to." Jenny stated before she began to leave.

"Yeah, see ya Steven." Sour Cream added, beginning to walk away as well.

"At least there was no toxic air involved." Buck concurred.

"It was nice seeing you again." Sadie said, hugging Steven.

"Yeah, it was nice seeing all of you again too," Steven replied, now happier than he was earlier. "You two make a good couple."

"Hey, thanks." Shep replied gratefully. "You want a CD of our song?"

"How about a tape?" Steven suggested to them.

"Got your back." Shep said, handing Steven a tape of the song they just played. "Okay, take it easy."

As the couple left, Steven was now left alone with Lars. "Uh, Lars?"

"Gotta make this quick, Steven." Lars answered. "Me and the Off-Colors gotta," He stuck his tongue out and made a raspberry sound.

"First off, I'm sorry for what happened," Steven said meekly. "And second, do you think I can be a bit too controlling?"

"This coming from the guy who took over my body because you wanted me to be a nicer person." Lars chuckled. "But it's still cute you didn't want me to leave."

"I don't want you to leave!" Steven exclaimed.

"Hey, buck up Steven." Lars comforted the half-Gem. "As I said earlier, you can visit me anytime."

"It's just, for a second, we were all together on Earth again." Steven sighed heavily. "Maybe I just don't like graduations. Maybe I should leave Little Homeschool."

"Hey, come here." Lars then brought Steven in for a hug while the Off-Colors stood by watching. "Are you going to let go anytime soon?"

"Just a couple more minutes." Steven replied.

--

The next day, the Crystal Gems had begun welcoming new students to Little Homeschool. But Steven, having now quit teaching at the school, was still a little gloomy from last night.

While Sadie and Shep's song played in Steven's car, he drove out into the woods and then laid down on the roof, gazing up at the night sky. Just what was next for him?

--

"Lars of the Stars is back in business, baby!" Lars cheered as he once again made himself comfortable in the captain's seat of the Sun Incinerator. "So, what should we do now gang? Something good? Something bad? A bit of both?"

"You lead the way, captain." Rhodonite turned back to her human captain with a smile.

"Y'know what, let's just fly around and see what happens!" Lars declared after giving it some thought and ordered the Incinerator to blast off into the starry yonder.

Close by, another spaceship loomed behind the Sun Incinerator, and its captain had the Off-Colors by the tail.

"Finally." Emerald declared to herself as she spied on her prized ship flying around. "After so much waiting, I have you in my sights."

Emerald then pulled up a holographic screen that presented her with Black Rutile, and she eagerly awaited further commands from her cape-wearing master.

--

So opens the curtain on Part 2. Will we see Lars and the Off-Colors again, and will Emerald finally get her precious Sun Incinerator back? But enough about them for now, wait until later this part while we start dealing with more Earth-based matters, like plants for example! See you then!

[fuckyeahalexjo]

I know this is a stretch but here me out. Could you write a fix of jo receiving a call from the cops saying that they rescued Alex. Like he was kidnapped and then Jo rushes to the hospital and tells him about the letter and he tells her that it was all a load of crap?

Oh anon, I loved this prompt and couldn’t wait to write it! I love this idea :)

Jo tried not to react to every sign of abuse she saw. The teen was understandably jumpy and startled with every movement. Jo was attempting to move slowly to not frighten the young woman unnecessarily, “Okay Cindy, I’m going to press on your belly a little.” She nodded slightly but held her hands up protectively as Jo palpitated her abdomen, noting some irregularities in the upper right quadrant. Jo smiled reassuringly, “Okay, let me take off your cap so I can check for injuries on your head. Cindy tentatively reached for the ball cap, Jo gasping slightly when she saw the hair, suddenly remembering her from a few weeks back when DeLuca had tried to convince others that she was being trafficked. Jo regained her composure and began looking through the knotted and filthy hair to determine if there were any breaks in the skin, “You were here a few weeks ago weren’t you?”

The younger girl barely nodded, “Yeah.”

Jo finished her exam of the head and met the young woman’s eyes, “So you didn’t get the surgery you needed and there have been some injuries since then, haven’t there?” Cindy looked around anxiously, not yet responding causing Jo to look sadly at the cuff marks on her wrists, “Cindy, I promise I can help you and protect you. I know it didn’t go right the last time, but I swear….”

“Jo! We need you in bed three.”

Jo instantly felt enraged, feeling as if she was getting somewhere with the poor girl. She turned to see Meredith gasping in the doorway, “Get someone else, I’m in the middle of something and can’t leave.”

Meredith narrowed her eyes as Jo turned back to her patient, “Did you really just tell me no?”

“I can’t right now.” She then moved slowly to the ultrasound machine, “Okay Cindy, this is going to be a little cold, but I want to check if you have some injuries other than that hernia, okay?”

“Karev.” Jo looked up, this time to see Bailey standing next to Meredith looking almost ecstatic, which was weird for the middle of a massive influx of patients. Bailey then shook her head, her smile widening, as her tone became more motherly, “Jo….bed three needs you. Richard will take over here.”

Jo shook her head, still not picking up their tones, “No, I’ve got this.”

“Ma’am?” At this Jo looked up to see a uniformed officer and sensed Cindy tense beside her. She turned to comfort the young woman when the officer spoke again, “Josephine Karev?”

This caused Jo’s eyes to snap up, “Yes?”

“May I speak to you for a moment?”

Jo looked down at Cindy then back up, conflicted as to what to do when Teddy entered the room, “I’ll take care of her, Karev.” Jo then met the older doctor’s eyes to even see that she was holding back excitement, “You should go.”

Jo looked down at her patient, “You’re in good hands, Cindy. I will check on you later, okay?” She then addressed Teddy, “I was about to order a head CT. No external bleeding but on exam appears there may be some head trauma. Also was about to do an ultrasound on the abdomen. She was here a few weeks back for a hernia, but I believe there may be some fresher injuries as well.” Jo then walked out to meet the officer, feeling off balance by the behavior of her colleagues, “Did you need a statement? Because she really hasn’t told me anything specific.”

She looked at both Bailey and Meredith who seemed to be anxiously awaiting something when the officer spoke, “Ma’am, we found your husband.”

At this, Jo’s head snapped up to meet the officer’s gaze, as she crossed her arms over her chest defensively, “There’s been a mistake. My ex-husband is in Kansas.”

“Jo,” Bailey interjected softly and waited for Jo to look at her, “He’s here. He...he never was in Kansas.”

Jo felt her eyes widen slowly as what Bailey was saying sunk in. The officer spoke again, trying to fill in the gaps for her, “Apparently this human trafficking ring took him a couple of months ago and held him against his will. We’re still trying to piece together why. We’ll need to interview him, but the doctor treating him advised us to wait until tomorrow due to his condition.”

Jo looked up sharply, suddenly unable to breathe, “His condition?”

Bailey took her hand as Meredith put a hand on her shoulder, “He’s malnourished and dehydrated. He was assaulted while trying to get out of there today. Hunt is examining him and may take him up for surgery soon. It looks like he’s been through a lot.”

A sob escaped Jo as she put her hand to her mouth, “He’s really here? He….he’s been here the whole time?”

Meredith started to rub her shoulder in comfort as Bailey smiled sadly, “Like I said, Bed three needs you.”

Jo felt herself start to hyperventilate, suddenly gasping for air as she bent over the nearest cart she could find, “I thought he left me!”

“We all did, Jo,” Meredith pointed out comfortingly, “There will be plenty of time to figure all that out but right now, he needs his wife.” When Jo looked up stricken, Meredith smiled, “He’s been asking for you non-stop since Ben loaded him up in the ambulance.”

Jo suddenly felt much stronger and began walking in the general area, her gait uneven as she tried to quell the nausea that had come on. But once she caught a glimpse of him she stopped dead in her tracks. Alex was looking down at his IV while saying something to Hunt when he glanced up and did a double take, breaking out into the widest smile she had ever seen. Jo didn’t care anymore where she was or who was looking and ran the last several yards to crash into his chest, her arms wrapping him in the tightest hug she had ever given in her life. Alex reached up to stroke her hair and she believed she heard a sob catch in his throat, “You know, I’ve dreamed of this moment every day and none of what I imagined was as good as this.”

Jo pulled back to look at him, her hands reaching up to caress his face, noting how sunken his cheeks were, “You’re really here?” When Alex nodded, she shook her head, “What the hell happened?”

“They took me to keep me from reporting an incident I noticed at Pac North. Then decided to keep me around to take care of the ones they had taken for….well taken.”

Jo shook her head as she lowered herself to sit on the bed, “I thought you were in Kansas with…”

Alex smirked and placed his hand on her thigh, “They got nervous when some people wouldn’t stop texting and calling.” He then seemed troubled as he took her hand in his, “They knew where we lived and I couldn’t….I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. So I made up the one story I knew would piss you off enough to stop trying to track me down.”

Jo laughed to herself as she shook her head and reached up to wipe a tear, “Well that definitely worked.”

“I see that, Mrs. I-only-take-my-rings-off-for-surgery.” Jo straightened immediately and tried to hide her hand between her legs causing Alex to smile, “It’s okay, Jo. I just hope you didn’t actually file the divorce papers.” He looked up to see her giving him an odd look, “Or maybe you want to after all this.”

“Of course not. I never wanted to be divorced from you.” Jo reached up to caress his chest, feeling herself get distressed at how frail he really was. Wishing to lighten the mood, she tilted her head and gave him a flirty smile, “Well maybe the third time we get married will be the charm.”

Alex grinned, “Hell yeah it will be.” He then pulled her down to kiss her properly, Jo feeling all kinds of butterflies in her stomach, still in disbelief of how quickly the pieces of her life had fallen back into place and how amazing it felt to be back in his arms.

[sunbird-tells-stories]

I was rewatching one of my favorite episodes of Xiaolin Showdown lately and I’ve been thinking of Jesse’s/Jessie’s character. I really like her a lot. I was always fascinated with that character from the moment I first saw her. Clay was my favorite Dragon, so to learn he had a sister??? Who was a biker girl??? And a BAD GUY?! Like, it was crazy! I loved the episode, and I still love it to this day. I love the lore, the aesthetic, the Black Vipers, the story, and the ending with Jesse under a starry desert sky flying off into the moon leaving behind a magical rainbow trail behind her? Like, tell me that’s not awesome!

So, since I’m bored and have Xiaolin on my mind, I’m gonna rant about her for a little bit.

First off, Jesse’s listed in the credits with the male version of the name, aka Jessie without the “I.” And the first thing I thought about when I mulled over this choice for a name was that it reminded me of Jesse James, who was a famous outlaw back in the days of the Wild West. So it was maybe a crew choice to give her that name as a shout-out to her criminal nature, and because of that, I like to think that in the show’s universe, Jesse used to be Jessie but dropped the “I” the day she left the Bailey Ranch. You know, to show that a) she was starting a new life and leaving her old persona behind and b) maybe to challenge the stifling old gender norms she was relegated to at the ranch. I mean, Daddy Bailey, as cool as he is, did ooze vibes of toxic masculinity in the one episode we saw him. If he was hyper focused on making Clay the manliest man, then it makes sense that he’d push Jesse to be the girliest girl.

But like, Jesse’s her own person, man. She’s hotheaded and stubborn and determined, and she’s got enough grit and pride in her to say “You know what? Screw this. I’m not happy here, I’ll never be enough for you, and life is too short to live in a place where you’re either ignored because everyone’s paying attention to your brother or being pressured and prodded into being something you’re not.”

So she left. I mean we never got a backstory on that (and I would have loved one, trust me), but she left, and she left on bitter terms too, considering Clay’s instinctive animosity towards her on sight. Like, no “hey, how’s life” or “where have you been.” The first thing he did after recognizing her was to call her a varmint. A nuisance. A lowlife.

That’s....uncharacteristically harsh, Clay. You’re supposed to be the sweetheart of the group, and the first thing you do when you see your baby sister after who knows how long...is to insult her?

Wow. There’s a story there. And if we don’t get any background on it, then maybe I’ll write it later? There’s always fandom, kids! And fanfic. And fanart.

But Jessie really does fascinate me as a character. Like even more than Ashley, or Wuya, or Shadow, or even Kimiko! Out of all the (very few!) female characters in the Xiaolin lore, she’s the one I’m interested in the most. It’s everything about her you know? It’s her backstory, it’s her personality, her skills, her likes and dislikes, the way she chooses to live her life, the way she’s constantly double crossing everyone around her - even her brother! No one is safe from her except for her loyal Vipers, who must also like her and trust her a lot too, since as soon as there’s a brief void in the leadership role, they automatically welcome her and her alone back into it, instead of squabbling over who should be the leader of their biker gang. For all their trouble and deceit, the Black Vipers stick together.

Probably because they’re all they’ve got.

I mean the girls live in a MINE! (An abandoned mine, like seriously, how cool is that?!) and they’ve got pet vultures, and know every inch of their hideout, and the place is falling apart in some areas but it’s HUGE and awesome and it looks wicked cool so it balances out.

But that alone implies that none of them have actual houses or trailers or apartments or condos where they actually crash. None of them have a home to go home to.

And why would they? I mean, you don’t just wake up one day and choose to live a life of crime. The show always likes to hammer in the fact that the world’s not black and white. Everyone’s got some good chi and bad chi in them. Everyone’s a shade of grey. And that includes the Vipers. And something tells me that they’re a darker shade of grey than most girls, and not entirely by choice either. Girls don’t just wake up and become bad guys. It’s a lot more complicated than that.

I worry about these girls. All of them are so young, early-late teens at most, but they’ve each got a criminal record and have scored enough infamy to be known all through the American Southwest. That’s kind of awesome. But mostly really, really sad.

Sadly we don’t get much personality from the girls, but I wish we did, I love the quirks in their character designs like WallEyed Short Girl and Tall Freckled Mopey Girl, and even Belle! Yes, the redhead has a name, and it’s Belle. Personally she’s my favorite design out of all four Vipers. The bright red hair paired with the turquoise in her necklace and hat is simple but unique. And her sass! And the fact that she’s like the ONLY XS character with brown eyes. Aaah! I love her so much!

But even with their lack of screen time or even voice lines, there’s enough evidence to infer that these girls are each other’s family. They’re sisters. They’re partners in crime wherever they go, from the arid deserts of Arizona to the neon casinos of Nevada, from the white sands of New Mexico to the empty-hearted prairies of Oklahoma, and hey maybe even as far west as Baja California!

And of course, Texas.

It’s interesting that even though she cut all ties with her dad and her brothers and her mom (I mean, if she even has one), she still wanders through Texas. The last thing she screamed at Jack as he took off in a huff with no Wu was “Don’t Mess With Texas”! She may have turned her back on her family and the ranch, but she’ll never turn her back on her home state. That’s kind of beautiful. It’s nice to think that the big bad biker chick who rules over a gang that kidnaps people and robs them blind....still has a soft spot.

But I mean, of course she has a soft spot. She’s a person, right? Good chi and bad chi coexisting together in a single human being. She’s got dreams, right? Secret wishes that keep her up at night, keep her going when the chips are down, keep her going when things get hard for her gang and she has to be the one to stay strong and lead them through it despite being a KID...yeah. It’s abundantly clear that Jesse is an adventurous soul. I mean, you gotta be if you spend your days riding through the desert and running from cops, and your nights sleeping in a creepy, abandoned mine that goes on for miles underground. That’s certainly not a lifestyle for the faint of heart, but Jesse seems just fine with it.

Because as crazy and as sad as her situation is, a teen girl with no home and, thanks to her record, no happy future to speak of, she’s happy where she is. Probably the happiest that she’s ever been in her life. She certainly has a lot more freedom, and values that freedom to Hell and back (probably.) She’s seriously gotta love the sweet, simple feeling of going wherever she wants and doing whatever she wants. Stealing from people probably gives her such a thrill, and with the jumps she made with her bike during the Showdown in her one and only episode...yeah, our girl’s an adrenaline junkie. Fer sure.

I wonder if she’d ever leave the desert at some point in her life. I mean, being an outlaw is cool and all but it’s definitely got a lot of drawbacks, and it isn’t very sustainable. And, I mean...people change. Maybe someday she’d just grow out of the lifestyle. Maybe one night she’d sit her Vipers down for one last talk, pass her leadership over to Belle, give them all one big hug and wish them luck, get on her bike and just...leave.

I wonder where’d she go then. Definitely not back home. Probably not with Clay. Being a Xiaolin hero, going to monk school, fighting over Warts...that’s his life, not hers. And I mean, she does have that inferiority complex, which aren’t exactly easy to grow out of. Maybe she’d secretly feel that she wasn’t good enough to be Xiaolin. But she definitely wouldn’t want to go full evil and switch to the Heylin side.

Jesse’s not Xiaolin, or Heylin. She’s just....Jesse. And that’s why we love her so.

I think she would wander. She’d wander all over the US, through every last state, seeing all that there is to see. Some places impress her. Some do not. Some remind her far too much of her home back at the ranch and some are so alien and foreign that her heart almost breaks from the loneliness. Sometimes she falls in love. Then, she falls right out of love, never unexpectedly, but only sometimes by choice. And after a few hours of heartbreak and self care, she’s back on her feet again, hunting down her next adventure. If she sees a Wu, she contacts Clay, and waits for him and the others to come. It’s easier to talk to him now, so they talk often. She sends him a pretty postcard from each city she visits. And with each message, she writes an animal fact about a local critter, just for him.

Home is....it’s not home anymore. Daddy Bailey, Mama Bailey, even Patrick...they don’t consider her family no more. At least that’s what she believes. She never writes to them. She doesn’t see the point. As far as she’s concerned, they all said what they had to say the day she left the ranch. Soemtimes she’s overcome with the temptation to give them a call and see how things are. But no matter how hard she tries, she always hangs up as soon as they answer.

It’s too late to fix what I broke, she tells herself.

And sometimes, she believes it.

But no matter what gets her down, Jessie’s a tough girl. She’s smart and clever and knows how to get by on her own. Her independent nature was hard-earned. She can take care of herself. So she does. And she wanders. And she sees the world beyond the desert.

Hey, remember that one line during her episode where she says “the only thing better than riding is flying,” or that out of all the Wu she could have kept for herself - out of all powers she could have had at her disposal - she opted to keep the Wings of Tinabi, aka the flying Shen Gong Wu?

I like to think that Jesse, like her brothers, is a smart cookie. But while Clay’s got animal facts and Patrick’s got computers, she’s more of an engineer. I mean, she’s got to keep her rides in tip top shape right? And those weren’t ordinary motorcycles either. I wonder if she was the one who designed the Black Viper’s iconic bikes. Maybe she built them all from scratch. Maybe they all did.

And maybe building bikes isn’t all she’s good at. I like to think that as Jesse gets older she takes on a whole new kind of project. As soon as she gets enough material and enough space to house her new baby, she gets to work on something she’s always been wanting to make in the back of her mind but never could before. It’s more complicated than motorcycles or cars or even tractors, and there’s a lot to lose if something goes wrong. But Jesse’s a risk taker, and a dreamer. And above all, she believes in herself. She has to. She’s always had to, because no one ever else did. Not until she chose to be her own biggest fan did she ever have someone in the stands cheering her on. She can do it. Of course she can. She’s Jesse Gotdang Bailey, and she can do anything.

I like to think, after a while on the road, exploring every last corner of America, and hey, maybe even Canada and Mexico, she finally gets around to building herself a plane. Wheels and steel are a beautiful combination, but wings? Wings can take you anywhere. They offer a freedom like no other. Hundreds and hundreds of people over countless generations have looked up at the sky and wished to be up there. And Jesse wouldn’t be any different from them.

I like to think that she finishes it right as she reaches adulthood. I like to think that she actually goes legit - for once - and gets herself a pilot’s license. I like to think that she gives her new ride a bright coat of paint, puts on the last finishing touches, gets herself a viper tattoo as a way to honor the occasion, and takes off towards the Xiaolin Temple the very next morning to show Clay how far she’s come.

And I would like to think that on the side of the plane, in beautiful rainbow lettering, is the name she chose for her new aircraft:

The Wings of Tinabi.

[starshineandbooks]

Is it bad if I pretend?

This is the firs in the laoft (by @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors ) self insert series I have, written with permission.

Warnings: Car crash mention, angst, mutual pining, deals with the fae, General stupidity

Summary: A supernatural boyfriend squad, a faerie blessed human, Unrequited love that is requited but They're idiots, and the start of either a tragedy or a love story. We're not sure yet, but it should be fun to watch.

Also known as a shameless laoft self insert where in I change my name, gender, and style but very few other things.

Ao3

Bailey would like to point out that they were not at fault for the day’s relizations, and if Virgil hadn’t smiled at them like that, nothing would be wrong. They were used to pining uselessly after Roman, Logan, and Patton, they had been since seven, even after they moved away, but now they’re back. Now there’s Virgil dating the boys their hopeless on, and a new boy to pine over. Perfect.

 

    “So?” Angie says, looking up from painting Elliot’s nails, “I still think you should just tell them.”

 

    “But I can’t!” Bailey protests, and they can’t, not now!

 

    “Well, you’re capable,” Elliot says, “And they would never be mad at you.”

 

    “Have you met me? I’ve tried tellin’ them!” Bailey says, and the way their voice strangles is just a little pitiful. “ ‘sdies, last time I tried tellin’ them I ended up talking about how they’re Sickeningly adorable and if they don’t stop making cow eyes I was gonna puke.”

 

    Elliot winces, their own face turning more sympathetic.

 

    Angie just scoffs “Oh my god, Bailey, either tell them, or shut up about it!”

 

    The look they level her with is aggressively teasing, not unfriendly but a little mean, as one is to their friends, “You whine about Jessamine.”

 

    “Jess isn’t someone I’ve pined after for years, Jess is my crush I met online.”

 

    “Meh meh meh meh,” Bailey scoffs, making their hand move as is it were talking,  mocking Angie.

 

    “Mature,” 

 

    Elliot giggles, “Bailey!”

 

    “Yeah yeah, I know, I’m immature.”

 

    “Yeah, you are.” Angie sighs, “You got two choices here toots, either tell them and worst case scenario it’s a little awkward for a while, or you could sit here and suffer.”

 

    “I like the second one,” Bailey says quickly, “Then only I’m awkward.”

 

    Elliot sighs, shaking their head, “Oh, c’mon Bailey.”

 

    “I’ll think about it.”

 

    “I’ll sick Thomas on you.”

 

    “I said I’d think about it!” Bailey snorts, “Lemme think?”

 

    “Fine, fine.”

 

    And they go back to what they were doing before, Elliot settled on Angie’s bed, Bailey sprawled on their back on the floor, Angie painting Elliot’s nails black. Music playing from Bailey’s phone, softly, Elliot humming along gently.

 

    Thomas would be over in an hour, then two hours after that the whole group, a big slumber party before spring break ended, and Angie’s house was the spot this time, her parents deciding to take a shift with the teens. 

 

    “Did I tell you about the new stone I found?” Bailey asks suddenly.

 

    “No, what is it?” Elliot asks, as they know is polite, but also out of interest.

 

    “Dunno, it’s cool though, I’ll show you later.”

 

    Angie blows on Elliot’s nails, wondering how on earth she can be friends with Bailey sometimes.

 

    The door opens to one of Angie’s mothers, “Hey guys, everyone okay? Any one want any snacks?”

 

    “No, thank you Maria,” BAiley smiles.

 

    “Of course,” Maria nods then, “Honey are you sure the floor is comfortable?”

 

    “Yeah, of course.”

 

    “Okay if you say so baby,” Maria sighs, slipping away and shutting the door again.

 

    “Twenty bucks Bailey ends up asleep on one of their boyfriends.” Angie says suddenly, looking gleeful.”

 

    “Twenty bucks and a coke I don’t.”

 

    The duo share a look then turn to Elliot waiting expectantly.

 

    “Virgil’s love and affection?”

 

    “No, you can’t gamble that,” Bailey scoffs.

 

    “You be the judge then,” Angie says simply.

 

    “Yeah!”

 

    -------

 

    By the time The Disaster ™ takes place, BAiley has sprawled herself across the living room floor, head in Kai’s lap while he pretends he either doesn't notice, or doesn't care, having already given a token protest.

 

    Virgil looks down at her, smiling, “Do you just attach yourself to someone at all times?”

 

    “No.”

 

    “Yes,” Kai scoffs, “Go bother the boyfriends.”

 

    And thus ends Kai’s quiet endurance of Bailey’s shenanigans, but that’s okay. She rolls her eyes, rolling off Kai, her head knocking Virgil’s foot, and he chuckles slowly, smile widening slightly.

 

    And oh, oh no. She is not doing this. She is not in love with him too. 

 

    She’s in love with Virgil too.

 

    Oh god no.

 

    “You okay?” He asks, and his voice is always low, but this time it’s extra rumbly and she nearly squeaks.

 

    “Bailey?” Elliot asks, poking her.

 

    “Uh- yeah?” She blinks, looking to Elliot.

 

    “Virgil has said your name three times now,” Logan says, leaning closer, reaching a hand out, “May I check your temperature?”

 

    “Uh-”

 

    Angie puts the back of her hand to Bailey’s forehead quickly, “I got them Lo, they’re fine.”

 

    “She,” BAiley says softly, “Right now.”

 

    “She’s fine.” Angie says.

 

    Virgil just stares at them, and his gaze is always a little heavy, or maybe that’s just her who thinks so. But he watches her, and she feels distinctly uncomfortable, she wishes she was a better actor, but her face has always worked against her unless she had actively rehearsed something to muscle memory.

 

    “And you are sure you are well?” Logan asks.

 

    Bailey nods, making her face turn into a teasing look, she’s practiced that one enough it should fool the others. Though Angie, Elliot, and Virgil don’t seem convinced, even when she speaks in an even voice, “Yeah, of course, you worried about me Lo?”

 

    “Of course I am,” Logan says, “You are my friend.”

 

    Bailey can’t help the way she reacts, actually jerking back, her face as if she’s been slapped. And the residing silence thickens, she nearly laughs, because it’s funny. Usually she has slightly better control, but here she is, unsteady, newly in realization, and just their friend.

 

    “Oh, Bailey,” Elliot says softly.

 

    She does laugh at that, strangled and high, the others stare at her as if she’s either a flighty pet, or has grown a second head.

 

    “Honey,” Patton starts, reaching out to touch her shoulder and when he does she tenses, “I think you need to tell us what’s going on.”

 

    “I-”

 

    “Bailey,” Roman says, “C’mon, no one here’s going to judge you.”

 

    “Roman is right,” Logan says.

 

    “He is,” Virgil nods.

 

    “Nothing, I’m just- I’ve not been taking my medication, and you know I hear everything said, Angie’s parrot has a very bad temper.”

 

    “Just because you can lie,” Virgil says, “Does not mean you should.”

 

    “I’d rather not talk about it then,” Bailey says.

 

    “Honey,” Patton says, squeezing her shoulder gently, “I really think-”

 

    “Patton please,” Bailey says sharper than she meant, “I’ll talk this out, but this is a Claire thing, not a y’all thing.”

 

    It’s Patton’s turn to flinch back, and Bailey nearly reaches out to apologize, but the way he looks, she almost wants to kiss the misery from his face and then life, and she can not be trusted.

 

    “Okay, sweetheart.”

 

    “Well, is anyone else hungry?” Kai asks, “I could go for some food.”

 

    The others begin to agree, and Bailey excuses herself to the restroom, she settles on the floor, back against the door and lights off, she sighs, starting a breathing exercise.

 

    She rejoins the group twenty minutes later, just as dinner is being served, and no one points out her long absence, though ANgie does take her hand under the table gently.

 

    Virgil continues to watch her, though she ignores him as best she can, without being outright rude. 

 

    Bailey happily salts her fries, she has always been a little salt crazy, she jokes it’s to make up for Logan’s inability to eat it.

    “So Bailey,” Emile prods, “You said you had a story about the bruised knuckles and cheek from last week?”

 

    Bailey snorts, “He was hitting on Ally.”

 

    “No.”

 

    “Yes, so I told him back off, he didn’t. Then he did.”

 

    “And you didn’t tell me?!” Remy gasps, “Bailey I’m disappointed!”

 

    She rolls her eyes.

[aion-rsa]

The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

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The holidays are a special time around 30 Rock. While tourists flock to see the towering Christmas tree, the Saturday Night Live writers room is busy thinking of holiday sketches you’ll reminisce about as you put up the stockings for years to come. Some of SNL’s all-time great sketches illustrate the best of the holiday spirit or lack thereof as show’s biggest stars often shined the brightest just before the New Year. 

From unlikely Santas to unorthodox gift-giving, we’re looking at 25 of our favorite Saturday Night Live holiday sketches. We’ll be going in chronological order here. There is a big dose of modern stuff in there, but what can I say? The show might be more miss than hit these days, but they really hit it out of the park year after year with the Christmas sketches.

Santi-Wrap (1976)

Very early in the show’s run, we get this classic where an adult woman (Laraine Newman) is all about sitting on Santa’s lap like when she was a little kid. The initial laugh is that before sitting down, she puts pieces of toilet paper on Santa’s leg for protection, like one would do in a public bathroom. Dan Aykroyd, her companion on this trip, seems shocked by this. Not that she’s trying to protect herself from germs, but because she’s not going far enough!

Suddenly, it turns out to be a commercial for Santi-Wrap, a festive and plasticky take on toilet seat covers. Not only do those two sell the product concept so well, but John Belushi as the mall Santa pushes it further by coming off as a complete disaster of a man who is probably riddled with disease.

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One of the show’s all-time best line deliveries is Belushi’s drunken, “Ho ho ho…” which has both defiant gusto and the sense that he’s seconds away from vomiting all over himself.

Mr. Robinson’s Christmas (1984)

Saturday Night Live has been a stepping stone to superstardom ever since Chevy Chase became a household name during its first season. In the 80s, Eddie Murphy’s recurring roles on SNL helped raise his profile as he eventually became one of, if not the biggest star of the decade. It was around Christmas time when Murphy’s spin on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became one of the sketches that came to define his tenure at Studio 8H.

Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood isn’t quite as nice as Mister Rogers’ but at Christmas time you have to make the best with what you have. Mr. Robinson was able to do that with a chunk of lettuce and a headless doll and Murphy was able to make the most of every opportunity he had on SNL.

It’s a Wonderful Life: The Lost Ending (1986)

If you’ve seen the 1946 American Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life, odds are you’ve been inspired by its heart-warming ending. Thanks to SNL and host William Shatner, we now have footage of the “fabled” lost ending to Frank Capra’s Christmas epic and it’s anything but heartwarming. Rather than end the film with everyone coming to George Bailey’s aid in his time of need and celebrating his lifetime of selflessness and kindness, it decides to give Mr. Potter a fate more explicit than being doomed to failure and loneliness. Phil Hartman pops in as Uncle Billy and not only remembers what happened to the missing money, but knows exactly who has it!

Dana Carvey makes the sketch as a George Bailey hell-bent on revenge. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without seeing him give Mr. Potter a beat down alongside his bloodthirsty loved ones.

Master Thespian Plays Santa Claus (1987)

Jon Lovitz’s characters were usually very hammy by design. Whether he was a pathological liar or the Devil himself, he always went to 11. One of his better recurring characters was Master Thespian, a scene-chewing Shakespearean actor who takes himself and his roles far too seriously.

In this installment, he would be playing the role of a mall Santa Claus.

Thespian doesn’t seem to have heard of Santa, but he’s down for the part. Finding out that there’s no actual script, he improvises and figures out the character via making mistakes and getting scolded by the Macy’s manager (played by Phil Hartman, choosing to base his performance on Frank Nelson because why not). To his surprise, Santa Claus actually LIKES children! These are notes a performer needs to know, man!

Seeing him play off the kids and Hartman is a blast. Speaking of which, one of the better gags is a fart joke that somehow proves how great an actor Master Thespian truly is. THANK YOUUUUUU!

Hanukkah Harry (1989)

Santa Claus (Phil Hartman) is violently ill with the flu, so it seems Christmas might be cancelled. Luckily, there is one man capable of fulfilling his obligations through the same kind of holiday magic. Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz), Santa’s Jewish counterpart, is called in to help.

At its core, it’s a lengthy sketch about Jewish jokes and how lame Hanukkah is outside of it lasting eight days. Springing off of that, it actually makes for a really good, if a little touching, holiday story. There are definite laughs in there, but what was created to be a parody hits a little too close and becomes a genuine gem celebrating both holidays and the spirit of togetherness.

“On Moishe! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”

Motivational Santa (1993)

What started as a pep talk for troubled teens turned into Chris Farley’s iconic recurring character. Matt Foley, the thrice-divorced, sweaty, overweight man who lived in a van down by the river, crashed into our living rooms in 1993 and remained a fixture on SNL until Farley was fired from the show in 1995.

Sometimes a sketch is so successful that the writers are almost forced to bring one or more of its characters around again and Matt Foley was no exception. In one of the funnier times Matt Foley returned, he was hired to spread Christmas cheer as a motivational mall Santa, offering up this gem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away, With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver That he was living in a van down by the river!“

Though many of the same jokes and physical gags are recycled, Farley’s effort, from the painfully high pitch of his voice to crashing down the chimney, earns the Motivational Santa a place in SNL Christmas lore. 

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song (1994)

Yes, we’ve heard Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” a million times over, but we shouldn’t let that cloud our judgement. It’s one of the first clips that pops into your head when you think “SNL Holiday Sketches” and it will go down as a landmark moment when the history of “Weekend Update” is written 200 years from now. Sandler didn’t use his time to evoke images of being a Jew at Christmas, rather he chose to praise the Festival of Lights and name-drop all the famous people who celebrate it. Since debuting the song in 1994, Sandler’s updated it for his comedy albums and standup routine and given Jewish kids something other than “The Dreidel Song” to belt during during the holidays. Sandler’s clever, original moment is about as influential as it gets for any not-ready-for-prime time player.

It did lead to the movie Eight Crazy Nights, so it isn’t free from sin.

TV Funhouse: Fun with Real Audio (1997)

It’s rare for SNL to get poignant, but here’s a fantastic example. In this animated short, Jesus Christ returns to Earth and spends the first opening minutes being ignored and shoved into the background for disagreeing with televangelists who use his name to line their pockets with donations or to justify their hatred of homosexuals. These bits are, of course, animated over actual audio of said real life sociopaths. Jesus is able to give them their just desserts with his divine magic, but it bums him out.

Walking the city streets, unnoticed by the public at large, Jesus watches Christmas-themed TV through a store window and is disappointed with what he sees. That is, until he comes across Linus’ speech at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and we get a final moment that’s adorable, uplifting, and pretty hilarious.

NPR’S Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls (1998)

The dry, NPR-host banter between Ana Gasteyer’s Margaret Jo McCullen — who cheerfully admits that she leaves tap water and rice out for Santa because “Christmas foods really wreak havoc on the ol’ digestive system” — and Molly Shannon’s Teri Rialto as they discuss delectable Yuletide “balls” with Alec Baldwin’s Pete Schweddy is a can’t-miss skit. The trio makes monotone an art form, while remaining dedicated to the naivety of the characters involved. (In response to Alec Baldwin’s, “But the thing I most like to bring out this time of year are my balls,” their faces barely twitch.) It’s double entendre at its finest, and never fails to leave me in stitches.

Pete Schweddy returned in another episode where he introduced the women to his hotdogs, but having them show so much interest in putting his wiener in their mouths was a little too easy a joke to pull off.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today (2000-the heat death of the universe)

On one December episode, there was a short segment of Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan playing a catchy, albeit incredibly stupid song about Christmas being on the way. Sanz played a skinny guitar while singing, Fallon occasionally pressed an elephant noise button on the keyboard, Kattan held the keyboard while shaking his head, and Morgan danced with a look on his face like he got dragged on stage against his will. It was silly and would have probably been forgotten soon after.

Instead, they returned a week later and insisted on playing it again despite being explicitly told not to. Soon they would start playing it during non-December months to show Christmas’ superiority over other holidays. After Simon Cowell insulted the group, he sheepishly agreed that he wanted to join them and broke out some maracas. One year, when Sanz was the only one left in the cast, he replaced his buddies with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, and Animal while Kermit the Frog danced in a way that you have to wonder if a Muppet is capable of snorting coke.

The song still gets brought out now and then, usually on Fallon’s show. It’s even been covered by Julian Casablancas and Cheap Trick of all people!

They did sing a completely different Christmas song one time, but nobody cared.

Glengarry Glen Elf: Christmas Motivation (2005)

Alec Baldwin seems to be the go-to host for classic Christmas sketches. Playing on his iconic Glengarry Glen Ross character Blake, Baldwin (in a way) reprises the role as 615-year-old “elf from the home office” sent to straighten out the subpar work of Santa’s elves. There couldn’t have been a more perfect break in character than when Baldwin says “Always Be Closing” instead of “Always Be Cobbling” as scripted. It’s a slip-up that makes for a perfect holiday sketch, full of deep-bellied laughs. 

TV Funhouse: Christmastime for the Jews (2005)

Not only is the witty “Christmas for the Jews” written by comedy legend Robert Smigel, but it’s sung by David Letterman’s Christmas angel Darlene Love. In “Christmas for the Jews,” the characters see “Fiddler on the Roof,” grab an early dinner, and enjoy dreamland Daily Show reruns. It’s an intriguing and catchy look at the other side of the Christmas season, complete with a very Rankin-Bass animation style.

Digital Short: Dick in a Box (2006)

Justin Timberlake is one of the most entertaining, versatile hosts that SNL has been gifted. A member of their prestigious Five-Timers Club, “Dick in a Box” is Timberlake’s most memorable sketch, filled with skeevy, disgusting come-ons from Andy Samberg and Timberlake, which has been viewed just millions and millions of times. In 2006, Timberlake had already impressed critics and viewers alike with his acting range in Alpha Dog, but his comedic turns on SNL solidified him as an actor. Timberlake has done a lot of impressive things in his time as an entertainer, but there are few more enjoyable (or laughable) than “Dick in a Box.”

These two R&B weirdos would return later on to sleep with each other’s moms as reciprocated Mother’s Day presents and later swear that being in a two-guy/one-girl three-way isn’t considered gay.

John Malkovich Reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (2008)

As quipped by the man himself, no one emits Christmas spirit quite like John Malkovich. This admission yields the self-reflexive irony of Malkovich reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children of SNL’s staff. Malkovich, pausing during his reading of the holiday classic, asks the children about the suicide rate rising during the holidays, talking about how shooting a home invader in California is “perfectly legal,” musing about how the tonnage of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer would (scientifically speaking) burst into flames, how in Portugal their version of Saint Nicholas steals children’s toes, as well as reciting the gem: “You know what they say about hopes; they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.” If you’re in a lighthearted Christmas mood, Malkovich’s monologue is certainly one to enjoy.

Stefon on Holiday Travel (2010)

Bill Hader was highly respected for his versatility and range during his time at SNL, but it was his improvisational skills that turned a Weekend Update bit into a must-see recurring segment. Stefon, likely the defining character for SNL during the 2010s thus far, informed New Yorkers and tourists alike of the city’s hottest nightclubs – with Hader almost always breaking down in laughter as his cue cards were frequently changed from the rehearsal to throw him off.

Stefon knew how to get weird and you can imagine he’d save some fun things for the a “classic New York holiday.” Make sure to check out the Lower, Lower East Side dump hosted by Tranderson Cooper or find a club with the right amount of Puerto Rican Screeches or Gay Aladdins. Just don’t run over the Human Parking Cones.

Stefon would return with more Christmastime insight three years later, where he’d discuss a club called [loud Tauntaun noises], founded by Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.

Under-Underground Crunkmas Karnival (2010)

Good God, I wish there were more Under-Underground Records sketches. As a parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, we’d regularly see DJ Supersoak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) excitedly talk up huge concert events that are needlessly violent and inexplicable in their randomness. For instance, there’s the Crunkmas Karnival, which features such musical acts as Dump, Boys II Dicks, Scrotum Fire, and…Third Eye Blind for some reason.

It’s just a bunch of loud humor that goes back and forth between being stupidly hardcore and being meekly out of left field. Yes, you can go check out a “dong tug-of-war,” but you can also see a special 2D screening of the Owls of Ga’hoole or meet Spaceballs star Pizza the Hut. Not to mention the return of their most fondly remembered running gag, the endless undying and dying of Ass Dan.

This Christmas-based event will take place in February. Sounds about right.

Ornaments (2011)

Every now and then, SNL will do a sketch towards the end of the show where the guest will talk about whichever holiday is coming up and awkwardly go into one of the aspects of it, such as Easter eggs or Halloween candy. In this instance, it’s Steve Buscemi unloading a box of Christmas ornaments and commenting on each one. All the while, Kristen Wiig plays Sheila, his girlfriend who appears to be more than a little off and doesn’t quite grasp tree decorating.

Buscemi’s descriptions range from delightful non-humor to outlandish and disturbing. He might make an intentionally lame joke about one ornament before holding up another and matter-of-factly letting you know that, “I put this one up my butt.”

And somehow he’s still the straight man in this bit.

You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown (2012)

This sketch is centered on Bill Hader playing Al Pacino, playing Charlie Brown. The rest of the cast turns out bang-up impressions as well: Jason Sudeikis playing Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Pigpen, Kate McKinnon as Edie Falco playing Lucy (as Charlie Brown’s drug peddling therapist, causing a holiday-blues Charlie to say, “Oh yeah…I want something to take me sky high!”), Martin Short playing Larry David playing Linus, Taran Killam doing Michael Keaton as Schroeder, and Cecily Strong as Fran Drescher as Charlie Brown’s mother, all performed in front of a baffled childhood audience.

For anyone who grew up watching Charlie Brown and Co., watching Bill Hader/Al Pacino/Charlie Brown unleash the expletive-laden “You’re gonna hold that f***ing football?!” towards Kate McKinnion/Edie Falco/Lucy, and saying, “Ow, you bitch!” after she pulls it away is absolutely to die for.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Holiday Movies (2013)

For a time, Taran Killam played Jebidiah Atkinson, a Weekend Update character based on how an old newspaper editorial was discovered that panned Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Atkinson, somehow still alive, would appear and read review snippets about other big speeches he hated.

One of his return appearances had him discuss holiday specials and movies. Every single one of them he hates. Every single one of them gets roasted. His vicious energy is so over-the-top that the good jokes land and the bad jokes still get a laugh from the misplaced confidence. Over these several minutes, he screams about how much of a depressing bore A Charlie Brown Christmas is, how the Grinch stole a half hour of his life, and how every time they play It’s a Wonderful Life, an angel blows its brains out.

This one is admittedly a bit dated with its biggest joke, where his distaste for Snoopy is so great that he wishes Family Guy killed him off instead of Brian. The horror from the audience still makes it worth it.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular (2014)

Ah, Christmas Mass. The drum solo for every childhood during Christmas time. It’s uncomfortable and especially boring. Ergo, liven it up by framing it as a big, in-your-face event via what amounts to a monster truck rally commercial!

It’s a brilliant use of contrast. Take an event that is so mundane with so many familiar and shared experiences and treat it like it’s some extreme thing. The familiarity of the pastor making corny jokes that get the most minor of laughs is treated like a once-in-a-lifetime event. It shines a light on the weird tics of the prominent people you see at church and feels amazingly universal.

The SNL cast is fantastic here, but the MVP is Cecily Strong as the middle-age woman who is way into doing a reading in the loudest, most overly articulate speaking voice possible.

Sump’N Claus (2014)

Getting gifts from Santa Claus is great and all, but when you grow up, you realize how hard it truly is to be nice all year round. Luckily, there’s an alternative. Introduced via an extremely catchy song, we meet Sump’n Claus (Keenan Thompson), a pimp-like offshoot of Santa who not only used to work for St. Nick, but also appears to have some dirt on him.

Sump’n Claus sings several verses about people who have had breakdowns and would be thrown onto the naughty list. Sump’n Claus doesn’t care about that. You be you. Every December, he’ll still be there to hand you an envelope full of twenties and fifties. He’s the holiday mascot for adults, basically.

One of the highlights is how he mentions that Santa is not your friend as friends don’t watch you while you’re sleeping.

The Christmas Candle (2016)

Christmas has been saved by many different things: ghosts who see through time, an angel trying to earn his wings, a reindeer’s glowing nose, New Yorkers singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and so on. Then again, sometimes you need a savior for something with lower stakes.

In the form of a mid-1990s all ladies group that gives me kind of a Celine Dion vibe, we’re given a wonderful song that starts with the tale of a woman who had to get a coworker a gift for Secret Santa. She found an old peach candle in her closet and just gave her that. The second verse is a similar situation where not only is a peach candle given as a throwaway gift to an acquaintance, but it’s THE SAME candle. Yes, somehow this one peach candle is re-gifted across the globe through latter December by women and gay men who couldn’t be bothered to put thought into their presents.

Truly a miracle.

First Impression (2018)

Beck Bennett plays a guy about to finally meet his girlfriend’s (Melissa Villaseñor) parents and he’s nervous as hell. She assures him that he’ll be fine, but he really wants to impress them. Sure enough, he tries to impress them in the weirdest way by hiding somewhere in the house and speaking in a high-pitched voice in order to dare them to find him. Her parents (Jason Momoa and Heidi Gardner) are notably confused, as is she.

It’s already a strange and silly bit, but Jason Momoa shifts it into gear by suddenly being COMPLETELY into it. Removing his jacket with purpose, Momoa excitedly starts searching the house for this guy. The fact that Momoa is playing an overweight 60-year-old man is enough of a novelty, but he brings this oddball zest to the role as he starts to literally tear the home to pieces in order to get a look at his daughter’s elusive boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plans here are both overly complicated and half-baked, culminating in an ending that’s as happy as it’s inexplicable and off-putting.

North Pole News Report (2019)

When Eddie Murphy returned to SNL, there was much fanfare. A completely solid episode, it admittedly spent too much of its runtime revisiting his old recurring classics like Mr. Robinson, Gumby, and Velvet Jones. The final sketch of the night goes full blast with his manic energy as he plays an elf eyewitness on the elf news, screaming bloody murder about a horrible tragedy. Mikey Day is reporter Donny Chestnut, looking at the destruction of a toy factory. As he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on, Murphy bursts onto the scene, screaming about a polar bear attacking the elves and eating them like Skittles. And just screaming in general.

The best line comes from the elf (who keeps declaring, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MY NAME IS!”) bringing over one of the survivors, and noting that, “This white, teenage elf girl ran out here, straight up to me – a black elf in sweatpants – and asked me to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is!” Despite this elf being right about the situation, Donny Chestnut keeps trying to sideline him for being increasingly erratic about Santa’s potential role in the slaughter and what it means for Christmas. Even as he trips over some of his lines, Eddie Murphy is so damn precious here.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

December to Remember Car Commercial (2020)

It might be in bad form to include a sketch from this very year, but man, this joke is not only long overdue, but the acting is top notch. Heidi Gardner’s barely repressed rage is something special.

You’ve seen the commercial a million times. It’s Christmas morning and someone reveals a brand new car to a loved one. As part of Lexus’ December to Remember, Beck Bennett reveals a brand new Lexus with a giant bow to his wife (Gardner) and their son (Timothée Chalamet). What initially appears as shock turns out to be fury and confusion over what is a selfish and short-sighted decision. Buying a car is a huge deal and isn’t something you don’t tell your significant other. More than that, Bennett’s character hasn’t been employed for about a year and a half and has no way of affording such a thing. The thread is pulled away, unraveling both how much of an idiot he is and how doomed their family life happens to be.

Then neighbor Mikey Day shows up and it hits another level. Beck Bennett is the expert at playing guys with misplaced confidence who haven’t come close to thinking things through.

The post The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches appeared first on Den of Geek.

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Chloe x Halle are all matured and prepared to show up

New York City (AP) – After the sis duo Chloe x Halle invested a year dealing with their sophomore album – which they co-wrote, co-produced and co-engineered – they sent it off to get ideas from their coach, King Beyoncé.

Her royal action: It’s perfect.

“When we sent her the album, she said that she loved it and didn’t have any notes,” Chloe Bailey remembered in an interview with The Associated Press “(We) were like, ‘Oh wow!’ She must really like it because she always sends notes, which we appreciate and add in most of the time. I’m really proud of this album and if she loves it, I hope everyone else loves it, too.”

The 13- track “Ungodly Hour,” to be released Friday by Beyoncé’s Parkwood Entertainment and Columbia Records, discovers the singing brother or sisters, who debuted on the music scene as charming, harmless teens, transitioning into their adult years.

The co-stars of the struck TELEVISION series “grown-ish” are all matured on the job, as the vocalists trade verses on the tunes – and do that legendary sisterly harmonization thing – while singing about female self-reliance, self-regard and relationship concerns, consisting of dirty kids and players They even sometimes drop the f-bomb.

“We’re growing as young women. We’re finding ourselves through experiences — whether it’s through love, through heartbreak, getting over any insecurities we may have — we just wanted to put that into the music,” stated Chloe Bailey, who turns 22 next month.

“The root of everything is definitely the inspiration of our lives,” included Halle Bailey, 20 “A lot of the songs on the album — well, most of them — are true.”

To develop the album, which they completed in November, they transformed the garage of their brand-new home in Los Angeles into a home studio. They laid down brand-new carpet to enhance the acoustics and sound quality, and set up drapes and generated comfortable sofas.

The album bumps with mid-tempo and groovy R&B taste throughout, as the artists sing about heading out and kiki-ing with the ladies on “Do It” to requiring their prospective suitors enjoy themselves initially prior to pursuing them on the title track. “Forgive Me” discovers Chloe Bailey high up on feelings as she sings about an individual experience: “I was into this guy and I felt we had something, and we were talking but I found out that he was involved with someone else at the same time.”

So she entered into the studio and freestyled the lyrics. “I feel like when you’re hurting or your emotions are heightened, it’s a lot easier to create,” she stated.

On the memorable and radio-ready “Busy Boy,” they sing: “It’s 4 o’clock, you sending me too many pictures of your (insert eggplant emoji here).”

Some of the product shocked their moms and dads.

“Dad would be like, ‘What?’ Mom would be like, ‘Oh, really?’ Dad would listen to the song a few more times and be like, ‘OK, I like it,’” Chloe Bailey remembered. “He said, ‘I just had to get over what you guys were saying.’ We all started laughing around the house.”

The album has currently significant brand-new heights for the group: First single “Do It,” which had a viral moment on TikTok because of the song’s popular dance, reached No 9 on Billboard’s R&B tunes chart, marking the very first time a Chloe x Halle track has actually appeared on any Billboard chart.

Their launching album, 2018’s “The Kids Are Alright,” peaked atNo 139 on Billboard’s Top 200 albums chart, though the duo made elections at the Grammys, MTV Video Music Awards, BET Awards, the Soul Train Music Awards and NAACP Image Awards for the job.

“‘The Kids Are Alright,’ I’m really happy with what it did for us. It wasn’t like a big chart-topper or anything like that,” Chloe Bailey stated of the album, which interestingly enough lost the very best metropolitan modern Grammy to “Everything Is Love,” Beyoncé and Jay- Z’s collective job. “As long as we got our message across and poured our hearts and love through that, that’s all we needed to do to feel accomplished.”

“I feel we did the same with this album,” she continued. “It’s just a cherry on top when people do praise what you’re putting out.”

Though “Ungodly Hour” includes popular manufacturers and songwriters like Sounwave, Disclosure, Scott Storch, Victoria Monet, Boi -1 da and Mike WiLL Made-It, the ladies are the imaginative center of the album. Chloe Bailey has production credits on 10 of the 13 tunes, 3 of which she produced alone. She likewise tape-recorded the duo’s vocals for 12 tracks. And Halle Bailey worked as an assistant engineer on all the tunes, and co-produced 2 of them.

And the ladies co-wrote every track on the album.

“Our dad has always told us to be independent and if we don’t know something to figure it out. That’s why we’re so hands on in everything that we do,” Chloe Bailey discussed.

“It wouldn’t feel right if we weren’t so hands-on with the process. If it’s our music and our art, we want to articulate in a way that is us fully.”

[jobrookekarev]

One Step Forward and Three Steps Back: Chapter Four

One Step Forward and Three Steps Back: Chapter Four

Chapter Four of Six

Words: 3486

Chapter Summary: Meredith arrives at the hospital and Stephanie tells Alex about Jo’s marriage to Paul. Later, when Paul wakes up, he tells a different story of what happened in the loft.

Summary: Jo wants to marry Alex more than anything, there’s just a few hoops she has to jump through before she can make that a reality. When she finally takes the plunge to free herself from her past, it all comes back to haunt her.

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy.

Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson, Jo Wilson/Paul Stadler (Past).

Characters: Alex Karev, Jo Wilson, Stephanie Edwards, Paul Stadler, Meredith Grey, Nathan Riggs, Jackson Avery, Miranda Bailey, Ben Warren, and Isaac Cross.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Physical Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Assault. Medical, Hospital, Police, and ER. 

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

……………………………………………………………………

Meredith walked into the Grey-Sloan’s ER with Richard by her side. She watched Bailey speaking with the police and security before she went over to the trauma rooms. She didn’t know exactly where Alex and Jo were, but the trauma rooms were her best bet. Jackson came out of trauma room two, pulling out a stretcher with Cross and Warren. The face of the man on the stretcher was black and blue as his eyes were swollen shut, and his nose was set. Jackson caught her eye and walked over to her.

“Is that him?” Meredith guessed as Cross took the man over to the elevators. 

“Alex called you?” Jackson asked, crossing his arms, knowing her answer. 

“Yeah, where are Jo and Alex?” Meredith said, looking over at the empty trauma room one.

“We’ve transferred Jo up to Pre-OP Alex and Stepahine are there with her. I’ll walk up with you. Riggs, can you scrub in with me on Jo’s surgery?” Jackson said as they all walked over to the elevator. 

“Yeah, of course,” Nathan said with a quick nod as they all followed Jackson.

“What happened,” Meredith demanded, putting her hand on Jackson’s arm to stop him. “Alex said that Jo was attached, but he was too distraught to say anything else.”

“Meredith, you know I can’t break HIPPA and tell you, as much as I want to,” Jackson said as he pressed the button for the elevator. 

“Do you need a general surgeon?” Webber asked as they got on the elevator. “You said you needed Cadro, so surely you must need a general surgeon as well.” 

Jackson hesitated, but Meredith glared at him and he knew Richard was right. 

“Okay fine,” Jackson said, pulling up Jo’s chart on the tablet and handing it over to her. Meredith quickly read over the chart and was shocked to see her injuries. Although they weren't extensive, they could have been. Meredith had seen injuries like this in car accidents or hangings, but never at the hands of another person. 

“Heart and lung functions look good, and it seems that there's good blood flow in both carotid arteries, and although she was responsive at the scene and in the ambulance. I want to do a Neuro check post-OP,” Nathan said, reading over the cardiologist report and looking at the MRI and CT results. “I also want to make sure that the swelling I saw on the scans doesn't extend further into her lungs.” 

“Which is why I asked you to scrub in with me. I'm about to do a rigid bronchoscopy to check her airway. Stephanie said that she could hardly pass the tube down when she first intubated Jo at the scene, and I suspect that I’ll have to do an airway stenting,” Jackson said as they stepped off the elevator and walked over to the pre-OP rooms. 

“I'm going to go get changed into scrubs and I'll meet you both in the OR,” Nathan said before he left, giving Meredith a nod. 

Meredith knew she should do the same, but she had to talk to Alex first. Three of them walked into pre-OP and Jackson led them past the other beds to a space that was closed off with curtains. He pulled it back to reveal Alex and Stephanie sitting at Jo's bedside. Jo was still unconscious and the bruises on Jo's neck made her pause. Meredith had watched Jo grow from a shy and unsteady intern to a confident and assertive resident. Seeing her unconscious on the bed was unsettling, especially given the circumstances.

“I'm going to go up to the OR and scrub in, but I'll tell the nurses to wait a few minutes before they bring her up. Do you have any more questions?” Jackson said, his voice soft as he spoke to them, putting his hand on Alex's shoulder.

Alex only shook his hand in a no as he continued to stare at Jo. Jackson left with Webber, leaving the three of them alone. Meredith came over and put her hand on Alex's shoulder, rubbing his back.

“Thanks for coming, Mere,” Alex said, glancing up at her, and Meredith frowned as they both looked down at Jo. 

“Jackson told us what happened and I'll be scrubbing in on the bronchoscopy to keep an eye on her,” Meredith reassured him. 

“Thank you,” Alex said as he grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. 

“How did it happen?” Meredith asked, looking between Alex and Stephanie.

Stephanie cleared her throat and sat up straighter. She was holding Jo’s other hand and rubbing circles on the back of her hand with her thumb. 

“I met Jo at the bar earlier today. She was drunk, really drunk, so I took her back to the loft. Alex came back and the three of us fell asleep. I woke up to the plant breaking on the floor and I sat up and looked over to see that he was on top of her. He was choking her and digging his knee into her chest. Then Alex punched him and got him off of her. Jo was, she was awake, conscious, and moving around, but she couldn't breathe. I had to intubate her and we called for an ambulance to bring her here.” 

“Who was that guy that attacked her?” Alex said, looking up at Stephanie, Meredith could see the desperation in his eyes, and she watched Stephanie take a deep breath.

“Jo only told me about his existence a few hours ago and she didn’t tell me his name. She was drunk and I think that's the only reason she told me. Jo was crying, and she just said that he was physically abusive to her and that she ran away from him, but…” Stephanie paused as she was barely able to keep her voice from breaking as she spoke.

Stephanie trailed off as she looked between the two of them. She bit her lip as if she was still hesitant to spill all of Jo’s secrets, but given the current situation, Meredith knew they would all come out eventually. 

“Alex, she said that she was still married to him.”

“What?” Alex whispered in disbelief. 

“Jo said she was trying to divorce him. I don't know how. She must have a lawyer or something. She wanted to be with you, but she was afraid he wouldn't sign the papers or that he would, well, that he would do something like this,” Stephanie said as she looked down at Jo’s wrist and picked at the hospital ID bracelet. “She said that Josephine Wilson wasn't her real name. I think she changed it when she ran away from him so he couldn't find her.”

“That's why she said she couldn't marry me. That’s why she said no,” Alex said with wide eyes as he rubbed his hand over his jaw, looking away in shock. “This morning, I went back to the loft to get a few more pairs of clothes. Jo was there, and she told me that she was all in, that she loved me, and that we could be a family, but I didn't think that was enough. I told her I was done with drama, that I wanted her to be my wife, and the look on her face, I thought. When she said she couldn't marry me, I just thought she didn't want to. I didn't think it meant that she couldn't actually marry me. If I had known, I would have, I don't know, I just, I never would have forced her to divorce him if she didn’t want to. This is my fault. I pushed her to do this.”

“Alex,” Stephanie said, reaching out and putting her hand over his as they both held Jo’s hand. “You and I both know that Jo doesn't do anything she doesn't want to. If she started the divorce proceedings, it wasn't just because of you. It was because she wanted to divorce him.”

“But I gave her the ultimatum. I said be my wife, or I’d end things, but if I had known, I never would have said that. I should never have said that,” Alex said, shaking his head as he looked down at Jo. “Why didn't she tell me? I would have helped her. I would have protected her.”

“She knew that,” Stephanie stressed as he looked up at her. “But I think she was scared of him hurting you or something, and she said she had to do it on her own.”

Alex shook his head as he pulled Jo’s hand to his lips, kissing her hand before holding it against his cheeks as more tears streamed down his face. “I should have known. I never should have left her. I should have woken up earlier before he got there. I should have protected her.”

“You came back. If you weren't there, lord knows, I wouldn't have been able to stop him. You did protect her,” Stephanie whispered as they both stared down at Jo.

“Stephanie's right,” Meredith said, rubbing his shoulder. “You went back to her, you were there. You fought him off, you helped Stephanie save her. You brought her here, and you did everything right, Alex, and Jo knows that.”

“She's right, Alex. You saved her,” Stephanie said with a slight smile before she shook her head. “I thought I knew all Jo’s secrets after she told me about how she lived in her car as a teenager, but that was only part of the story.” 

This was news to Meredith, although it didn't surprise her, given what Alex had said about Jo's past. Alex hadn't shared much with her, other than she had it rough like he did as a foster kid. Meredith didn't push the details because, like Alex, Jo’s past was her own. She, of all people, knew how everyone deserved to have their secrets. 

“Yeah, I thought, I knew all of them too, but I get why she kept this from me,” Alex said as he reached down and put his hand on Jo’s head as he rubbed his thumb over her forehead. “For the longest time, I never told anyone about my Dad. Jo only found out about it because she showed up when I was taking a paternity test to be sure it was him. She took care of him when I couldn't. She was there for me, even when I didn't let her, but I wasn't there for her, but I promise you, Jo, I'm here for you now,” 

Alex said the last line only for her as he leaned down and kissed her forehead before closing his eyes as he pressed their foreheads together. 

Several of the nurses, including Bokhee, came over and pulled back the curtains. “They're ready for her in the OR.” 

“I'll walk up with her and change when I get there,” Meredith said, putting her purse and coat on a chair, knowing that they would watch over her stuff.

Alex nodded and brushed the hair away from Jo’s face. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to the corner of her lips. His lips lingered on her skin and Stephanie looked away for a moment before he pulled back. Alex stepped back, finally letting go of Jo's hand and gently placing it on her stomach. Meredith remembered how Jo always wrapped her arm around Alex's neck. It was possessive and sweet, and every time Meredith watched them together, she knew they were meant to be. 

Meredith helped the nurses put up the railings and switch Jo to manual intubation as they took off the brakes. She stood at the side of the bed next to Bokhee and pushed the bed forward. As they pushed open the doors out of pre-OP, she took one last look at Alex. He stood there waiting for them as another nurse directed him and Stephanie towards the waiting room. Alex just stood there with his hands in his pockets, staring at Jo. Meredith knew that it would break him if anything happened to Jo, and she was determined to watch over her and make sure that never happened.

……………………………………………………………………

The nurse took them to the waiting room, but Alex barely registered what was going on around him. He had barely had any time to process the fact that Jo was married and that she was getting a divorce. He could hardly believe it. All he could think about was the image of Jo lying on the ground with him on top of her. He could still remember the way she gasped for air before Stephanie intubated her and how fragile she looked on the hospital bed as they wheeled her into surgery.

“Dr. Karev, Dr. Karev?” 

Alex looked up from where he was staring at the floor to the black female officer standing before him before he looked over at Stephanie, who was seated next to him, holding Meredith’s things that he had forgotten. 

“Yeah, sorry.”

“It's alright,” the officer said, giving a slight smile as she sat down in front of him on the coffee table. “My name is Officer Tatum, and I've been dispatched by the detectives to take your statements. Could you please tell me what happened tonight?” 

Alex nodded, and he and Stephanie did their best to give a detailed statement to the officer as visions of what happened flashed in his head. To be honest, from the moment he saw Jo on the floor to ending up in the hospital, it was all just a blur. Luckily for him, Stephanie seemed to remember most of it and was able to give the officer everything she needed

“Thank you,” Officer Tatum said as she finished writing. “I have a few questions for you both, if you don't mind?”

“Yeah, sure,” Alex said, not entirely sure that he had a choice anyway. 

“Do you know why Dr. Wilson was attacked in your apartment tonight? We have reason to believe that Dr. Wilson let her attacker into your apartment as the door was open, and there was no sign of forced entry,” Officer Tatum said, looking between the two of them before her eyes settled on Alex.

“Yes,” Stephanie said before Alex could even think of an answer. “Jo said that he was her abusive husband. She mentioned that she ran away from him a few years ago and told me about some of the abuse she endured when they were together. She also mentioned that she was in the process of divorcing him.” 

“Did Dr. Wilson tell this to you?”

“Yes, she told me about her husband and the abuse, and after he attacked her, I asked her if it was him, and she nodded yes.” 

“Okay,” Officer Tatum said, writing everything down before she looked back at them again. “And what kind of abuse did Dr. Wilson alleged happened?”

“She said it was physical. That he would hit her and that's why she ran away from him.”

“And what did Dr. Wilson tell you about her divorce proceedings?”

“Nothing other than the fact that she was divorcing him. I asked if she had a restraining order against him, but she didn't answer.”

Officer Tatum just nodded as she continued to write everything down. “Do you happen to know Dr. Wilson's husband’s name?”

“No, actually, we don't even know Jo's married name. She said she changed it when she ran away,” Stephanie said with a shrug and she shook her head.

Alex just kind of watched the exchange happen. He was still trying to process everything. The fact that Jo was married, that her abusive ex-husband had shown up, and that he tried to kill her. 

“Okay, is there any other relevant information that I should know, such as Dr. Wilson’s lawyer's information or other documents she kept from her marriage or proof of the abuse?”

Stephanie stayed silent and it took Alex a moment to realize that they were both staring at him. “Um, no, I didn't know, maybe, I didn’t even know she was married until tonight.”

“So for five years, you had no idea that the woman you've been dating, your friend, was married?” Officer Tatum asked, raising an eyebrow at them.

“No,” Alex said as he looked over at Stephanie, who just looked as floored as he was. He could hardly believe it himself.

Officer Tatum softened as she took in their expression before she closed her notebook. “One last thing Dr. Karev, do the detectives have permission to search your apartment?”

“Um, yeah, but what for?”

“We’ll be searching for any information that can link Dr. Wilson to her husband, the man who attacked her. I'm sure that Dr. Wilson will make a statement and clear everything up when she's out of surgery, but in the meantime, We'd like to contact our own investigation in hopes that we can shed more light on the situation.”

“Okay,” Alex said as he nodded. He could tell that the detectives didn't quite believe their story, but he knew that the truth would out. It always did. 

Officer Tatum returned his nod and handed him her business card before she left him and Stephanie alone in the waiting room. Alex looked up at the clock as he calculated how much time passed and how much longer Jo would be in surgery. Then he sat and waited as he processed the events of the night.

……………………………………………………………………

“What kind of person does this to Jo? She's so sweet and her hair is so nice. Who would want to hurt her?” Cross asked as he sat staring at the unconscious man on the gurney after they settled him in Pre-OP, waiting for Jackson to call them up after he was done with Jo’s surgery.

“I don't know,” Ben said as he finished up the paperwork, shaking his head. He still didn’t know what happened but, Cross was right. Jo didn’t deserve this. “According to his wallet. It says that his name is Paul Stadler. His business card says he’s a doctor at Orlando Medical.”

“Orlando, that's weird. Jo never mentioned anything about Florida,” Cross said before jumping away from Paul. “He just moved.”

“Yeah, it looks like he's waking up,” Ben said as he walked over to the bed. 

Paul Stadler turned his head back and forth as he opened his eyes. He squinted in the harsh light before he looked over at Ben. He tried to move his hands but couldn't because of the restraints. “Where am I? What, what's going on?” 

“Mr. Stadler, don't try and move. You’re at Grey-Sloan Memorial,” Ben said, putting a hand on his shoulder, trying to get him to stop jerking at his restraints. “Cross, go get Bailey and the police.”

Cross nodded before quickly running out of the room. 

“The police?” Paul asked, looking confused before his eyes went wide and he looked over at Ben. “Yes, please get the police, and please tell me, is Brooke okay? I think she said she goes by another name now, maybe Josephine?”

“You're talking about Jo? The woman you beat up? I can't disclose her personal medical information, but I can tell you that she's pressing charges.” Ben said, glaring at him. Even if it wasn’t fully true, Ben wanted him to know that he wasn’t getting away with this.

“What, what are you talking about?” Paul asked, looking confused. “Why would Brooke press charges against me when I was trying to help her?”

“Look whenever you say went on…” Ben started to say, but Paul cut him off.

“No, you have to believe me. Look, I know we’ve been separated, but I got a call from Brooke last night out of the blue. She was crying and she said she was scared. She said that her boyfriend was hurting her and so I rushed over to her place. When I got there, I found him on top of her. I pulled him off and then he punched me. I guess her other friend woke up or something. I don't remember but, I remember this guy with a scruffy beard and a gray shirt. He was on top of her.”

Ben shook his head, of course, he didn't believe Paul's story about Alex. He was occasionally volatile, yes, but he would never hurt Jo.

“You have to believe me. I would never lay a hand on my wife?”

“Your wife?” Ben asked, his eyes going wide as he stepped back. 

“Yes, I have a picture of her in my wallet. It's from our wedding day, please just look at it. You have to believe me,” Paul begged him, looking into Ben's eyes. 

Ben narrowed his eyes at him, but stepped back and turned around. He opened Paul's wallet and looked through it until he found the photo tucked in one of the cardholders. Sure enough, there was Paul and Jo, pressed up against each other with happy smiles. Jo in a white dress with a bouquet and Paul and a pristine suit. Behind it was an ID with Jo’s picture with the name Brooke Stadler, meaning he wasn’t lying. They were married.

“Please, I would never hurt your wife. You have to believe me,” Paul said as Ben looked back at him. He had to tell Miranda.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Hell is For Children: Animorphs as Children’s Lit

[Guest post from Cates!]

So a couple of months ago Bug asked me to write a post about why Animorphs is Middle Grade/Children’s Fiction, not Young Adult. Since she asked, I’ve read several wonderful posts from other people questioning or explaining what the difference is between Middle Grade and Young Adult, where Animorphs fits, and why it matters. Here’s my two cents as a children’s literature scholar.

To start, Animorphs’ 20,000-30,000 word count per book is a big hint it’s not YA fiction. Obviously, a book with a low word count is not automatically a children’s book, and a book with a high word count is not automatically a book for adults. But if Animorphs was aimed at teens, Applegate would likely have been expected to make the books longer. While there are a lot of great YA novels that are as short as or shorter than your average Animorphs book (check out BookRiot’s list of 100 YA novels under 250 pages,) most YA series, and especially fantasy or scifi YA series, are expected to top 100,000 words. (The three books in the Diviners series by Libba Bray have a total wordcount of 520,000 words; Laini Taylor’s Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy tops 400,000 words, for example.)

Animorphs’ word count isn’t enough on its own to exclude the series from YA classification, but Animorphs’ short word count also fits the trend of children’s—not YA—series fiction in the 1990s. In order to understand this trend, and why it produced books specifically for children, not teens, we need to jump back in time to WWII. Because so many American men were drafted into the military, women took over jobs that had been almost exclusively done by men, like mechanics, sales, electricians, etc. When WWII ended, thousands of men returned home, but women didn’t leave the workforce. Realizing they had an excess of young men and not enough jobs, the US government created the GI Bill, allowing soldiers to attend college for free or at a steeply reduced cost, thus stemming the influx of workers and giving the economy and industry room to grow.

At the same time, families were having children (and those children were surviving) at an unprecedented rate. Thanks to the GI Bill, college was no longer something reserved for wealthy white men, but something available to the middle and even lower class. A college education offered social and economic mobility, and the Baby Boomers, children of the GI Bill recipients, became the first generation to grow up with the idea that college was something that could and should be pursued by all.

Then, the Baby Boomers began having children in the late 1970s through early 1990s, meaning a large chunk of those children (including Bug and I) were in elementary school in mid 1990s to early 2000s. Thanks to their parents, a higher percentage of American adults than ever before had attended college. Thanks to advancements in women’s medicine, psychology, sociology, and education, among other fields, people understood as never before the importance of instilling a love of reading in children at a young age. The huge middle class was willing to invest lots of time and money in their children’s educations, because at this point not having a college education was seen as a barrier to success.

I’m sure you can see where this is going. (Kidding).

Children’s publishing exploded in the 1990s because children—or, more accurately, their parents—were seen as a huge, untapped market. Previously, children’s publishing didn’t receive as much money or attention because, the logic went, children did not have money and therefore couldn’t buy books. But then the publishing industry realized that there were literally millions of parents willing to spend money on their children’s education, and publishers like Scholastic, Dutton, Dial, Penguin, Random House, and others rushed to take advantage of this new customer demographic.

Of the ten books featured on this Scholastic bookfair poster from 2000, seven are series fiction.

Serialized fiction—ie, stories that took place over the course of several books about the same characters and/or in the same setting—was the perfect way for publishing houses to capitalize on this new market. And hoo boy was it successful. From 1993 to 1995, Goosebumps books were being sold at a rate of approximately 4 million books a month. That means roughly 130,000 books were sold every day.

Here’s a few names to bring you back: Bailey School Kids, The Magic Treehouse, Babysitter’s Club, Junie B. Jones, Encyclopedia Brown, Cam Jansen, Horrible Harry, Secrets of Droon, The Magic Attic Club, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Bunnicula, The Boxcar Children, The American Girls, Amelia’s Notebook, Dear America, Wayside School, Choose Your Own Adventure…we could keep going for days. All of those series have two things in common: one, they were either published between 1985 and 2005 and/or experienced a huge resurgence in the 90s, and two, they’re all middle grade novels. Some are aimed at younger children, like Junie B. Jones and The Magic Treehouse, and some are aimed at older children, like the Dear America series and A Series of Unfortunate Events.

The point is, Animorphs is so clearly a product of its time (and not just because of the Hansen Brothers references,) it slots perfectly into the trend of series fiction for children. If you want to claim Animorphs is YA, you also need to claim all of the series I just listed above.

Now, let’s talk about the main argument I see in favor Animorphs being YA: the dark content.

This is my personal wheelhouse. I’m planning on someday doing my PhD dissertation on trauma, violence, war, and trauma recovery in Middle Grade—not YA—fiction. I always find it funny when people use descriptors like cute, sweet, innocent, silly, light, and simple to describe children’s books. While there are certainly plenty of children’s books that are one or more of those things, there are also dozens that are the polar opposite—dark, complex, serious, violent, and deep. I once read a review of The Golden Compass which said “it’s not like other children’s books with a clear cut good guy and bad guy and a simple message.” I don’t know how many children’s books the author of the article had read, but I’m guessing not a lot. Let’s just do a blunt reality check with a few of my favorites—including some picture books which are typically for an even younger audience than Middle Grade. Spoilers for all of the books I’m about to mention.

Baseball Saved Us by Ken Mochizuki This book follows a little boy who is sent to a Japanese interment camp during WWII. He and his family deal with abuse, starvation, and sickness. Suggested reading age*? Kindergarten and up.

*(For this and all subsequent books I used reviews from Kirkus, the Horn Book, and School Library Journal to determine suggested reading age.)

Check out this picture of Shorty playing baseball while an armed soldier watches him from a guard tower. Isn’t it cute, sweet, and innocent?

Pink and Say by Patricia Polacco Pink and Say are 15-year-old boys serving as Union Soldiers during the Civil War. Confederate Soldiers kill Pink’s mother, Pink and Say become POWs, and Pink is hanged because he is African American. Suggested reading age? First grade and up.

Fox by Margaret Wild This book starts grim and just gets grimmer. Dog and Magpie have been burned in a wildfire. Dog loses an eye, Magpie a wing. Magpie rides on Dog’s head—she is his eyes, he is her wings. Fox comes and convinces Magpie to leave Dog and come with him. There are definite sexual undertones. The book ends with the possibility that Dog and Magpie will be reunited, but no certainty. Suggested reading age? Six and up.

[The text says “He stops, scarcely panting./ There is silence between them/ Neither moves, neither speaks./ Then Fox shakes Magpie off his back/ as he would a flea,/ and pads away./ He turns and looks at Magpie, and he says,/ ‘Now you and Dog will know what it is like/ to be truly alone.’/ Then he is gone./ In the stillness, Magpie hears a faraway scream./ She cannot tell if it is a scream of triumph/ or despair.”]

Tell me this isn’t a total punch in the gut.

The Rabbits by Shaun Tan The introduction of rabbits to Australia is used as an allegory for European colonization and the casual destruction of the Aboriginals’ lives and cultures. Suggested reading age? Six and up.

The Scarlet Stockings Spy by Trinka Hakes Noble A girl spies on the British during the Revolutionary War while her brother fights. He’s killed and there’s actually a description of her finding the “bloodstained hole” in his coat where the bullet struck him. How cute and silly! Suggested reading age? Second grade and up.

Meet Addy: An American Girl by Connie Rose Porter I think this works as a nice comparison to Animorphs because it’s another long-running, popular series aimed at kids just starting to read chapter books. Among other incidents, there’s a graphic description of Addy watching her brother get whipped by an overseer and a passage where another overseer forces Addy to eat worms. I actually give American Girls a lot of points for not shying away from the uglier parts of history. They don’t always get it right (*cough* Kaya *cough*) but those books are more complex than I think most people realize. Suggested reading age? Second grade and up.

My Teacher Flunked the Planet by Bruce Coville From the sight of a child starving to death to homeless children freezing in the streets, Coville certainly doesn’t avoid the darker side of human nature. Pretty sure most adults only noticed the funny green alien on the cover. Suggested reading age? Fourth grade and up.

“That was the day we crept, invisible, into a prison where men and women were being tortured for disagreeing with their government. What had already been done to those people was so ugly I cannot bring myself to describe it, even though the memory of it remains like a scar burned into my brain with a hot iron.

“Even worse was the moment when it was about to start again. When I saw what the uniformed man was going to do to the woman strapped to the table, I pressed myself against the wall and closed my eyes. But even with my hands clamped over my ears I couldn’t shut out her scream.”

Inside Out and Back Again by Thanhha Lai The Vietnam War, migrants drowning in the ocean, refugee camps, racism…this book is a bit like Animorphs in that it’s got a surprisingly dry sense of humor even as awful events take place. Suggested reading age? Fourth grade and up.

The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Patterson A pretty harsh look at the realities of America’s foster care system as told by a girl who could give Rachel Berenson a run for her money. It’s not afraid to show that parents aren’t automatically good people. Suggested reading age? Third grade and up.

Stepping on the Cracks and Wait Til Helen Comes by Mary Downing Hahn If WWII, bullying, dead siblings, draft dodging, and parental abuse are too light and fluffy for you, you can always read about a child consumed with survivor’s guilt because she started the fire that killed her mother. Suggested reading age? Fifth grade and up.

“‘How do you think Jimmy would feel if he knew his own sister was helping a deserter while he lay dying in Belgium?’

‘It wasn’t like that!’ I said, stung by the unfairness of her question. ‘Stuart was sick, he needed me! I wish Jimmy had been down there in the woods, too! Then he’d be alive, not dead!’

Mother slapped me then, hard as she could, right in the face. ‘Never say anything like that again!’ she cried. ‘Never!’”

I could go on (and on and on and on) about trauma narratives for children, but suffice to say while I think Animorphs is probably the most brilliant one I’ve ever read, it’s far from the only one. Kids’ books can be dark, which is good, because if we only tell stories about white, able-bodied children living in big houses with two loving parents then we’re excluding the majority of real children’s lived experiences from our narratives.

There’s one more point I’d like to address: without sounding overly accusatory, I think a lot of the compulsion to consider Animorphs YA instead of children’s fiction is born of the adult bias against children. I’ve mentioned this before on the podcast, but Children’s Literature scholar Maria Nikolajeva created the term aetonormativity to describe society’s tendency to value the adult over the child. Like I discussed above, we have this idea that children’s books are somehow sweet and innocent, while YA fiction is darker and grittier because it addresses so-called ‘adult’ topics like sex, drugs, suicide, violence, and death.

As I hope I’ve established above, just because a book addresses these topics that doesn’t automatically mean it’s for teens. Books about heavy subjects can, are, and should be written for children. I think most of us are fans of Animorphs because it’s a series that sticks with us long after we close the neon-cloud covers. It’s a series that strongly disputes the notion of a clear right and wrong, and doesn’t shy away from the atrocities of war. And it was written for children. It was sold to children. It was read by children.

Some of us adults are just cool enough to read children’s books that treat child readers with the respect they deserve.

— Cates