#I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDNT POST ART TODAY

[impuubus]

You’re nothing without me !!

[everythingsinred]

what follows is a long, rambly, and possibly sappy thank you note to the best fandom ive ever involved myself in. if you have ever sent me an ask, commented on my fics, or replied to a post i made (or even liked it tbh)--then this post is for you. (and this is most certainly not a good-bye or even close; i just occasionally get into sappy moods)

i want to start working on a career that i like, and my mom’s recommendation was to start a writing blog (she insisted i dont call it that though--to call it a “website” so it sounds more professional when i apply for writing gigs). its not the first time shes given me that advice but i have for some reason always resisted that idea before. “nobody would read it” was always the bottom line. that whole “it has to be perfect to make up for the fact that it’s me” has always been my outlook on anything i produce. its why i feel so poorly whenever i post a new chapter of a fic or any art ever. its why im taking so long on the next batch of ga essays. its why ive never formally submitted any writing ever for publishing. why would anyone read anything i have to write, especially with no dead fandom to prompt them? who would choose me out of all the aspiring writers out there?

for ga it was a bit easier after a bit of breaking through the initial anxiety of sharing bits of myself. its a small fandom. not much content going around. theyd take anything right? even if it was from me! 

but something really weird happened these past few years in the ga fandom. i started writing essays and became more vocal, posting my thoughts, writing a long, dark, fucked up fanfic. i got feedback from people who wanted more from me. theyd ask me my thoughts on things, when id never considered myself an authority on anything or even very interesting to talk to (a lifetime of being the substitute friend will do that to you). ppl sent me asks about questions. they replied to my posts to further discuss things. me! what on earth?

then it got weirder. i posted my weird messed up little fic and now every once in a while ill get a comment from a person that says that my fic is their favorite, not just in the fandom, but ever. EVER. what? a couple of people have told me that they’d read anything i wrote, even if it had nothing to do with gakuen alice.

that they’d read something just because it was me.

this isnt a rant or a vent. something has changed in my self esteem in the past few years because today, when my mom told me i should start a “writing website” and post weekly writing, it actually sounded like a decent idea. no part of her advice was different than it had ever been, but i was. i could for the first time imagine starting a blog (website) and picture someone actually liking what they found there. and that’s bc of the ga fandom and bc of the writing ive done it for it and SPECIFICALLY the writing ive actually had the guts to share. 

none of it has been perfect. im lazy when it comes to self-editing and when i finish writing a chapter im eager to just throw it out there instead of rereading it once, let alone twice. a lot of it has been imperfect, but you guys still read it. you enjoyed it, even. “it has to be perfect to make up for the fact that it’s me” has never been a problem for you. for whatever reason, quite a few of you like me, like my writing, like my ideas and thoughts. a couple of years ago i wouldnt have been able to fathom that, not even in my wildest dreams. 

im proud of myself for taking those first steps a couple years back, for posting those first couple posts and letting myself get involved in the fandom for a manga ive loved for half my life. im proud because if i hadnt done that, then maybe my self esteem wouldnt have developed like this. maybe i wouldnt have been able to picture a career in publishing as clearly as i can now. i obviously still have issues as far as my self esteem is concerned. i second-guess myself. i talk down to myself. i put off rereading bc i dont want to hate what i create. but you guys have helped me like my writing and helped me see that other people can like it too.

i am beyond grateful for that. i dont get a lot of traction or feedback like i would if i were in a larger fandom, but i dont mind. the feedback that i do get is of such good quality and has meant so much to me that it has potentially changed my life. i just needed you all to know that. that the people who have sent me asks, both on and off anon, requesting my thoughts on any topic; the people who leave comments on ffn and ao3, giving support ranging from long paragraphs to a brief sentence; the people who dm me or message me to share their thoughts on my work; the people who commented on my natsumikan essays telling me that ive helped them see something from a different perspective--you all have helped me see that there’s value in the things i create. 

i just want to say thank you. it has meant so much to me so far to be able to feel so confident in my writing. i really didnt even notice the change until today. how bizarre is it that something so important can change without you even noticing? i look forward to sharing more with you, from more fics to the mikan essay (which still has to be perfect, just maybe not as perfect as it wouldve had to be a few years ago lol). 

don’t be nervous that this a good-bye. it is not. it’s strange because whenever i’ve said anything like this (sent a message of adoration to a person i love, for example), people think it’s a bad sign. that i’m saying good-bye, or that it’s somehow a sign of something unsaid. i understand. this kind of nonsense sappiness (like all that stuff i wrote up there ^) is usually saved for the ffn bio when someone is leaving the site, for the good-bye post when someone decides to leave a fandom. “you’ve all meant so much to me and i’m leaving now.” that’s because usually people save all the important things for the end. you only say how you’ve felt when you say farewell. i don’t think life should be that way. i’m not saying good-bye, i’m saying i love you. i think people should say that more. i want people to feel good about themselves for what they’ve done, however small, to make my life--and undoubtedly the lives of others--a little brighter. and you have. you should know and i don’t intend to keep it to myself until i say good-bye (whenever or even if that happens). 

tldr; i love you gakuen alice fandom <3 youre not dead because dead things cant give life the way you have.

[mymp3]

This, for me, has been such a wild and amazing ride. I've loved every moment I've been apart of this fandom.

Getting a chance to expierence everything from the very beginning, and see the SMP play out to what it's become today, has been something I wouldn't have imagined in hindsight. Seeing November 16th trend on twitter was such a crazy moment. I remember thinking, oh my gosh, we've done something massive here. Looking back now fondly and realizing it was just the beginning of something much bigger.

The best part though, was deciding to join Tumblr. Not only post on my Tumblr more consistently, but to reach out to people i thought were nice. This space, this platform, has given me some of the happiest moments of my life. It's allowed me to meet and have moments i wouldn't otherwise ever dream of having. Seeing it grow massively month to month. Liveblogging, posting theories, art. Dming people, and getting to know them on a more personal level aside from surface level interests. Life did this crazy thing and allowed me to expierence it all.

These last few years have been rough. They haven't always been the best, or most hopeful. I've been through some of the darkest moments of my life, but the Dream SMP, my friends, have given me light in those moments of darkness. Though it might seem simple and insignificant, who knows where I'd be without it.

I started making animations again, started streaming, gained the confidence to talk to my friends about some things, that allow me to live my life much happier now. I'm a much more outgoing person, I've learned a lot. My personality, and myself in general, have grown for the better. To think it's all thanks to this roleplay series i decided to sit down and watch one October afternoon, is insane to me.

Looking back on it now, taking it all in and just thinking about it, makes me smile. If i could have told my younger self what would happen when i sat down on that couch and asked my sister "Hey, wanna try watching this thing called the Dream SMP?". i don't think i could have even comprehended it.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is, thank you. Thank you to everyone, big or small. If we've only followed one another, or never followed at all. Thank you to everyone who's made this together, thank you to the community, and the friends, and the journey we've had along the way. And though the journey might not be over yet, it's never truly over. We'll carry these expierences with us for the rest of our lives. It's apart of us, apart of you.

To all my friends, people I've met along the way, i wouldnt have had it any other way. Thank you for being apart of my time here, and my life in general. Thank you for letting me expierence this with all of you. Thank you for shaping my life for the better.

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

He did? Umm.. what happened exactly?

(referring to this post)

my 11th grade chemistry teacher had an associates degree in liberal arts.

you know how in virtually every class you’ve ever had since middle school, your teachers made a big stink about the syllabus? she didn’t have one. this was her first teaching job, which she got because of her length experience as a substitute, not by her licensing qualifications. we were, at first, excited to have her, because she was a “fun sub” and we were 17 years old and stupid as all shit. we were the “normal chem” class in a system where the only other options were “honors chem” which was filled with children who actually know how to study (or cheat) and have an air of proper student activity, and “AP Chem”, which is clear enough if you’ve been an american student in the last 15 years.

she followed the mcgraw hill chemistry book in order of chapters, despite the fact that our state standardized tests did several of the chapters out of order. ever notice how you’ll suddenly be looking at chapter 11 when just last week you were on chapter 5, then the next week you’re on chapter 8? standardized testing is the reason. anyways by asking my friends in other classes who had chemistry teachers of relative competence, i was able to discern which chapters i should focus on, and while she was distracted with literally watching youtube videos all period, I was turning around in my seat and walking across the classroom helping my friends and enemies with the packets. (she was a two-packets-a-week kinda teacher.)

yes i said enemies too. the people i hated, i hated because they were sons of bitches i wouldnt piss on to put out a fire. i hated them so dearly i used to pray to god that they would bump into me so i could throw myself into the concrete and split my forehead open and get them expelled due to the blood-clause of our “zero-tolerance policy”. two of the kids in my class had, only the previous year, attempted to set my hair on fire.

i hated the teacher more. 

it gave me extreme pleasure to see her fume and clench her fists when a student would say “i need help” across the classroom and she would move to get up and they would say “oh not you miss, im waiting for vicky.” jesus christ the only time ive ever felt a comparable high was when i was at a halloween party in college where i was literally so zooted i couldn’t move.

it got worse over time, her getting more and more angry, my ego growing larger and larger. i was a huge bitch in high school, i really thought i was the smartest bitch in the room at any given moment. severe main character syndrome. imagine that kind of person actually being right for 45 minutes out of every day. can you even comprehend the kind of frustration that would create? in a room full of little sociopaths who dont give a shit about anything but getting this joke of a class over with so they can graduate? your first real teaching job and they look right past you, the teacher, to this annoying little shit whose grades are completely abysmal? how are they managing to learn anything from a child who can barely speak in front of more than 10 people? who turns cherry red in the face of literally every authority figure in the building except you? who can’t concentrate and stay still in one spot for more than five minutes? all of your other classes behave! they listen! they sit down and shut up and do the packets! so what fucking gives!!!

so you say “fine, since you all HATE ME so much i just won’t teach then!!!” on literally week fucking ten of teaching. and instead of prostrating themselves before you, begging you to like... point at transparencies and read directly from powerpoints i guess.

and they all collectively say “okay” and let the chipmunk child flutter between desks and help them memorize formulas and mnemonic devices and shit. surely her grades will suffer if she’s constantly dealing with other people and you’ll have justification that her horseshit is “distracting” and “a detriment to her studies”. she got bored gave up on that after two days after nothing changed.

then we did the midterm.

except at the end of the exam packet was something we never learned because again, she was going through the book chronologically. because i actually enjoyed the chem book (so much that i stole it when the year was up lmao), i knew the material.

it was about lewis dots/structures. i couldn’t tell you a damn thing about it today but in december 2010 i absolutely knew that shit. i didnt have too much of a problem with it in the exam, but the students who had gotten to that point were complaining and at first she pulled that “you should have been studying independently uwu” shit but the class was about to get loud during exam period so she shushed us and said that when we get to that point, just stop, and she’ll mark it correct during grading, no harm no foul just keep it quiet. one of the more confrontational students called horseshit and said theres no way we’re trusting that and there’s definitely no way anyone will keep an entire classroom cheating at the instruction of the teacher quiet.

i offered to teach it.

she scoffed, rolled eyes, said “sure fine but you can’t get your exam back” and i said “okay.” so when everyone was to the point in the exam, we piled them all on her desk and i used the whiteboard to briefly and quietly explain lewis dots, used the book examples and problems, and helped the other kids understand. there were a couple exam questions that were lifted straight from the book problems so i skipped those. while teaching i realized i had gotten a couple wrong which sucked :( it was an incredibly stupid experience overall, and no teacher worth the paper their certification is printed on would have allowed that to happen. and fucking yet.

anyways everyone but me got their exams back and finished it and many of us passed, only a few of them did particularly well.

discussing the chem exam with friends who also took the chem exam, many students found their anecdote about the lewis dots to be confounding, for you see, the exam we took was not, in fact, the midterm, but the god damned final.

she had us taking the fucking final because she didnt read the fucking folders which read “midterm” and “final exam” on them

she was reprimanded severely and we all had to take the exam on different days, in different classrooms, sitting very far apart. after that she hated me even more. like girl it was your fault lmao i am literally a teenager grow up lol. anyways you can imagine how much more fucking insufferable i became, knowing how miserable she was.

it all came to a head in february when some students were giggling quietly following a minor fuck up on her part regarding bellwork. they were making fun of her like “are you sure thats not tomorrows bellwork lol” and a friend next to me did the “hey i need help wait no miss not you sorry” thing and when i answered him, she solidly snapped. blah blah YOURE SOOOO DISTRACTING blah blah YOU THINK YOURE SOOOO SMART DONT YOU blah blah blah and she was like demanding i leave the room and shouting at the top of her lungs at me “ YOU POISON THE MINDS OF EVERY OTHER STUDENT HERE. YOU’RE POISONOUS VICTORIA, YOU’RE A VIRUS IN THIS CLASSROOM.”

i will never forget that line as long as i live. it was like crack to me. i moved to open the door to leave and the vp opened it first. he escorted me to the office and asked me what happened, then told me to keep my head down in class from now on, and that if i wanted to help my friends i should give them my number and help them out on our own time. i was like “bro thats really stupid” and he was like “thats all we can do right now but i promise we’re working on it”

i lasted the rest of the year giving smug smiles as we did packet after fucking packet for the rest of the year. they were all take-home work. i wasnt comfy giving my number to my enemies. the class camaraderie ended.

the final was altered. my class took a different final than the rest of the normal chem classes.

i started 12th grade and got a solid case of senioritis. i told that story to anyone who would listen. while it was happening, i obviously told my favorite teacher everything as it happened. when i mentioned it senior year he was like “oh yeah i forgot about her,

she was fired over the summer.”

[wolferals]

☀️STUCK☀️

arón piper imagine

I wrote this when I was 13 so please no judgement😂Tbh idk why I‘m posting it now, i just havent been creative lately and I wanted to post something so there ya go. (I KNOW ITS BAD AND SUPER RUSHED😂)

*

*

„Yes I'll hurry. "I told my best friend before I disappeared in a corridor to get to the art room.

I was actually a pretty shy, or "good girl," but I had no choice, my teacher had taken my phone and put it in the glass box in the art preparation room. And i needed to call my brother because this idiot broke his foot and needed to be picked up from the hospital.

So I ran through the school, trying to meet as few people as possible and not attract attention too much.

It was 4:30, most of them were sitting in the cafeteria or outside waiting for their buses to arrive at any moment. That's why I had to hurry.

So not many students / teachers were on the way, and luckily I did not catch anyone.

When I finally reached the big wooden door of the material room, I pushed the handle down.

With a quick glance around the room, I checked if anyone was here.

But fortunately I was alone, so I went in, closed the door behind me and started looking for my cell phone. I only knew that the taken cell phones were in a glass cabinet, but unfortunately I did not know any more.

I went through the shelves with paper, all sorts of different colors, cardboard, clay and stuff and looked around.

Finally I saw the box in the corner, sighed in relief and ran quickly to get my cell phone.

It was high on the top, so I took it and wanted to make my way back to the door, but just then I heard the door being opened.

I did not see any more, as I skilfully hid myself behind a shelf hoping that the person wouldnt see me.

I only realized that the figure was pretty tall and through the hood the person wore I could not see who it was.

But the person didnt look like a teacher as he/she rummaged through the shelves and I felt he/ she was getting closer and closer.

I panicked slightly as the person stood exactly on the other side of the shelf behind which I was hiding.

"OH JODER!" Suddenly a deep voice screamed and I was met by a rather big boy. "Hi."

I mumbled, then got up and looked at him. "You?"

He then asked, removing his hood, brown curly hair falling out from under his hood.

Now did I see who it was.

I think his name was Arón or something, but I didnt talk to him and his friends.

He was known as the most popular boy at school ...

I had never really talked to him before, but I guess he was just as I imagined him: conceited and confident in himself.

„What are you doing here?" He asked confused, looking at me. "I better ask you. What were you looking for?"

I asked back and tried to push past him, but he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back.

„Seriously. Why are you here? I thought you were that shy cute girl that would never break into the arts room."

Cute ?! Did he just say that?

"Uhm what?" I asked confused, looking into his beautiful hazel eyes... what am I saying here?

„Forget it." I said then and pulled away from him. "Wait!" Arón answered and walked up to me.

"Why?" I asked him and turned around again.

„GO!" He finally shouted and grabbed my arm to pull me back on the shelf. "Shh!" he ordered and looked at me.

"What the ..." He pressed his unbelievably big hand over my mouth and I looked at him in total confusion. "Shh!"

he said again and squeezed harder.

Suddenly the door opened and I heard the female voice of our English teacher. "Is someone here?" I looked at Arón and he shook his head.

"Okay ..." the teacher murmured and closed the door again.

Then I heard her lock the door and finally only footsteps that were farther and farther away. ,Shit!' I thought, waiting for Arón to finally remove his hand.

So he did, sprinted to the door and pressed down the handle just to see its locked.

„Stuck?" I asked anxiously and he nodded at me.

„Great!" I said sarcastically, as I had absolutely no desire to be stuck with him in a room.

„Fuck!" he cursed then and collapsed on a shelf. "And now?" I asked him and sat at the door, so I still had some distance to him.

"Call someone! I forgot my phone. " He finally ordered pointing to my cell phone, which I still held in my hand.

"I cant ... No battery because Mrs. Chambler took it this morning. It's been here since."

He sighed, ran his fingers through his curls, then leaned

his head against the shelf.

"So we're stuck till Monday!" I finally shouted and looked at him. Today was Friday and until Monday no one would come here anymore!

„FUCK!" Arón finally answered and jumped up.

Then he went to the window without reason, opened it and looked out.

„So you're gonna jump?" I finally laughed and stood up too.

„Maybe. It's not that high. I could jump and then come and get you out of here. "

He shrugged and leaned slightly out of the window to take a closer look at the altitude.

„You dumb?!" Outraged, I looked at him and finally pulled him back on the sweatshirt jacket. "What? There's just grass. It wouldnt hurt that much. And we're gonna die in here if we dont get out!" he replied and looked at me.

"No Arón!"

- "You know my name?" He asked confused, looking me in the eyes.

„Of course I do, everyone does." I mumbled, then turned around and exhaled deeply as I had sounded slightly rude.

„Huh ..." he finally answered, whereupon I turned around.

"Let me do that y / n. I'll be careful, I promise."

I shook my head again and then it blurted out:"No, I dont want you to get hurt."

He still looked at me, then started to smile and came a little closer.

„Why have not we hung out yet?" He asked quietly, stroking a strand of hair from my face.

„You're so pretty." He breathed and leaned down to me.

„Piper what the hell?" I stepped back and looked at him.

„You know what? Lets make a deal. If I get us out of here, I'll get a kiss. "He grinned and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Right ..." I mumbled and turned around again.

„But dont jump please." I whispered to him, whereupon I felt his hand on my hip and finally noticed how he was fumbling on my hair.

„What are you doing Piper?"

- "Trust me."

Then he went to the door, knelt down and somehow played around the lock.

Suddenly I heard a click and Arón yelled, "HELL YEAH!" He jumped up, opened the door with a grin and grinned at me.

„You're kidding right?" I laughed and walked up to him.

„You owe me a kiss."

I laughed awkwardly, but then nodded and looked at him.

"But how?" I remembered and he smiled.

„You. Your bobby pin. "

Then, without further ado, he pulled me by my hip with both hands and shortly afterwards I felt his lips on mine.

Although I have to admit. he was a good kisser. A damn good one!

„So? You want to go out with me someday? "

*********

[pbandjesse]

I just got it in my head to cut my hair. Not the length but all my layers had grown out and my ends felt fried. So that was fun. Today was incredibly busy but honestly just a really good day 

I slept okay enough. And I woke up a little before my alarm. I bothered James for a bit but I got up and made the bed and went to get ready. I felt pretty cute. And I was looking forward to my day. 

And I was totally right that Chris was going to throw me in a group so I had to stick up for myself. And I got exactly what I wanted. I was with a group all morning and working on prep and having that one class in the afternoon. Charlotte is wonderful and was okay with it and that made my life so much easier. 

The kids I had today were excellent. Could not have asked for a better group. I brought string and clay and looms over and they were so excited to learn. Most of the girls (and one of the boys) spent the whole morning making bracelets. 

They were such good listeners though and so easy to work with. We went to "the museum" which is a little library room in the lodge, to return books and help clean up, and to get a few other books. And then back to the art shed to hang in the hammocks and play with clay and work on bracelets. It was just so chill. 

We went up to horsemanship and we were a little early but that was alright. We hung out at one of the picnic tables and then one of the dachshund dogs, Baily, came over and after all the kids pet them one of the boys were like "Hands off!!! It's Ms Jesse's turn!" which I didnt even ask for but was so sweet.  So I sung the panda bear song to Baily and the kids thought it was so cute and then Baily wouldnt stop following me. Adorable. 

We headed out and said goodbye to the horses and took the secret trail back to the fort. We had lunch. I had them all eat at their own bunk and then we cleaned everything after. And since we had some time before the pool I was like. We will go hang in the hammocks some more. 

But then I got a call that some of the kids were getting picked up right then. Get them ready, get them outside. Weird. It was going to storm later but like. The sky was clear now, so this wasnt an early pick up. 

But they left and I took the remaining 5 to the art shed to chill until Charlotte came for them. Which is when Charlotte told me that all the kids that were in one counselor's group last week were going home because she was sick. My heart was racing. I had to go sit down. Apparently the health department says were good as long ad those kids left until results came back. But jeez. Alexi had a conversation with me later and it seems like its going to be okay. That its just a cold. But man. Its scary to think about. I am so worried about everything all the time and that was not good for my heart. 

The rest of the day was supposed to be prep. And it was but it was also just so busy!! I had the kids from yesterday come back and they continued to be very small and silly and sweet. They painted and enjoyed the hammocks and I worked on some prep. It was good. 

Once they left I got to work on my worry jar example. The material Heather got for me to do it seems to be perfect. I am excited to experiment with it more. But I wasnt sure how long it would take to dry so I decided to take it on a walk around camp. Show Heather. She was very excited and thought it looked super cute. 

I made a stop at the trading post and asked if some teens had free time they come help me sort out strings. And Olive was like. My teens!! They will help!! We have nothing to do!!

So I was like. Uncomfortable because I hate asking for help. But I sucked it up and they honestly were just wonderful. They were so super helpful. They were silly. They were there with me for a few hours and they made things look so neat and clean. Olive mostly dealt with embroidery floss, some of the girls did the yarn, one girl did the sewing box. The boys were given the task of smashing tiles for mosaics and they were having way to good of a time. It was so silly. But because they were all doing those things I could just work on setting up things for the next few days and next week. Amazing. 

I started getting a head ache though. The sky was getting dark and there was thunder. I think the pressure in the atmosphere was giving me a head ache. But I was in such a good mood with this group of kids. We somehow ended up talking about periods and abusive relationships and body piercings? They had good questions and I dont mind explaining things. They were sweet. 

Once they finished cleaning things up, they headed out. I was pretty tired. I hadnt taken a real break today. Busy busy busy. So I spent the next half hour just laying in the hammock. But then I felt guilty so I finished cleaning and went to the office. 

But soon it was time to leave. I had a head ache and I was worried about the rain. And the rain did hold off. Until about half way through my drive home. It came down hard. And people still dont seem to understand that I CANNOT SEE YOU if your lights are off!!! So it was slow going but I got through the rain and it was dry the rest of the way home. 

When I got back here James was out. He was getting us veggies for dinner and was home before I jumped in the shower. 

I felt a lot better once I was clean and in pjs. James made us a lovely pasta dinner. And I played animal crossing. Said goodbye to Keaton, our first campsite villager, who is finally moving away. I hope we get a good friend next. 

We have just been hanging out since then. I cut my hair. And now I am going to go get ready for bed. I hope we all sleep well tonight. I hope tomorrow is a wonderful day for you all. Goodnight my friends!!

[childofthenight2035]

shut up

please shut up. please. shut. up.

why is writing a hobby that is looked down on so much? i dont understand. like, this is something i am passionate about, okay? it’s something that has interested me since i learned how to read and write. it’s something that i’m good at, if i do say so myself. it’s something that has the power to bring me out of my depression and lack of motivation. for the last two weeks, i have been just rotting in my room, not bothering to clean up, not bothering to do my laundry, not bothering to even shower every day. i have been wearing this shirt all week. literally, i have been doing absolutely nothing. my mom drags me downstairs for checking if college applications are open yet and that’s just another thing stressing me.

but you know what?

today my best friend read my recent fics that i posted here and told me what she thought of them. and she really liked them. and you know what that did to me? that pushed me out of bed. i went outside for the first time in a week. i did a load of laundry. i started to clean my room. i am now four pages deep in a new fic that i started to write now, after a two-week dry spell. tomorrow we get our final results and im not scared anymore.

but do you know what i dont need to hear?

i dont need to hear my parents make comments as they pass by me sitting with my laptop about what im doing and what other things i could be doing in this time. i dont need to hear my aunts call me and ask me how applications are going and tell me to put aside the novels im writing to focus on entrance exam prep instead. as if its a joke. i can hear the mocking in their tone and i dont want to hear it okay?

if i tell people that im working on a book, they ll act all interested, but you know what? the writing i do outside fanbases is depressing shit, okay? they are poems that don’t make sense and paragraphs that would scare you. stuff that i dont have the guts to show my parents, forget getting them published. but the minute i tell people i write fanfiction, its worthless. its a joke.

i dont care what people think, but can you keep it to yourself? I dont want to hear it. it may be a joke to you. its not to me. this shit i write, so what if its about a singer? an actor? what does it matter? it keeps me away from my blades. its doing a lot more than you are. its making people feel things. and thats all i want. it may not bring me money or fame, but thats not why i write! thats not why anyone writes! and you science and tech minded people wouldnt understand. im not like that. i dont think like you. i think like the thousands of other dreamers on this website. and you dont understand us, but you dont deserve to.

how dare you prevent art? how dare you hide it away in a dark corner? how dare you contain the magic in our mortal bodies from escaping and bringing life to the world?

how dare you?

[darlingsdream]

My Story With Voltron and Season Seven Thoughts

So, this is the first time I’ll be posting something personal on here about my story with Voltron and how I feel about it. It’s going to be long, and yeah, trigger warning.

A year ago, I was in a very, very bad place mentally. I was learning a lot about who I was personally and dealing with a lot of losses and emotional baggage. As a very young child, I was very into the original Voltron. I loved that stuff, however, when I grew older I didn’t stick to it and didn’t hear about the new reboot of it. Last year, one of the biggest things I was dealing with was my sexuality. Hi, I’ve recognized I’m BISEXUAL! And I’m very proud! But, I found it very hard to accept that about myself last year, seeing as my family did not approve of that stuff. I always lost myself in LGBT members in TV shows because I felt like I could relate to the characters and they helped me get through my emotional stuff. I would hyperfocus on them to drown out the very, very bad stuff I was going through.

One day while scrolling through YouTube, I came across a Klance edit. I did not know what show they were from, and genuinely believed they were a cannon gay couple. I fell in love with them instantly and began watching more video of them on YouTube. After my spree, I looked it up and figured out they were from the new Voltron reboot! I was like, woah! A voltron reboot? A gay couple, in a child’s cartoon? I was DEAD SET IN LOVE with the show right off the bat. I watched all four seasons that were out at the time and yeah, realized Klance wasn’t a cannon ship. I fell in love with the plot, characters, ships, and fandom though.

Voltron gave me something to take my mind off how bad of a situation I was in. It gave me something to hyperfocus on and fall in love with. I’ve met so many nice and friendly people through the fandom, people that understand me! The fandom is so amazing with great content? Like, the fics? Amazing! Art? Stunning! I loved the VA’s immediately and even recognized them from shows I used to watch! I became so involved with Voltron and progressively found myself getting happier and happier as I met new people, found myself, found relatable content and happy spaces to put myself into. Long story short, Voltron saved me from a shit filled situation. I’ve loved Voltron so, so much.

For the past three seasons, I’ve stayed up just to watch them immediately. I’ve worked on many fan fictions and read AMAZING ones by BEAUTIFUL writers!

You could only imagine my SHOCK when I heard there would be LGBT rep! Something I personally struggle with, even now! I cried when I found out Shiro had a male fiancé when he was on Earth! It made me so, so happy!

So, here is where my issues start...

You can tell I’ve loved Voltron whole heartedly for a very long time. Yeah?

This season, season 7, hurt me in more ways than one. It was written poorly compared to the other seasons in my opinion. The episodes where a bit everywhere and the villains were out there! The time warps were confusing, and having twenty new characters thrown at you at once is confusing! Especially when the show is close to ending. Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of good things in this season! An amazing and well deserved Hunk arc, Lance’s strong and smart sister! The Paladins all being with their families! Shiro getting a new arm! Major Paladin and Lion bonding! Keith loves his mom!

But, there was just as much bad things as good things... I’ll start with the plot, so people won’t think I’m shitting on a show I’ve adored for MONTHS because “MY SHIP DIDNT BECOME CANNON”. Because that’s not it.

The plot was, for this season, confusing! The space stuff happening was weird. And, as someone who has an 8 YEAR OLD SISTER who watches this show, she was startled by the hostility Keith began showing the fellow Paladins during their “space madness”. The game show episode, while supposed to be a tension breaker, was useless in the long run and more of an aggravating spit run than anything else. Like, it was nice seeing Zarkon, Haggar, and Lotor! As a family! But odd, we never got an explanation as to how. Then we have everyone bashing on Lance, poor lance, for being an idiot, which he is not. As well, Voltron is captured TWICE this season... never had that happened and the way they always get out of the trouble seemed very OP.

Now, I’ll go into characters. Shiro: a supposed LGBT member, handicap, suffers from PTSD, and is of a different race, gets put through the RINGER in EVERY SEASON. They have done this character dirty, I’m not even going to lie. It’s not “character development” to throw your character around like that and kill it a hundred times but allow it to still live. Poor Shiro has barely had ANY good luck through out this show! Then, they go and say, he’s an LGBT character... They kill off his ex fiancé? They said there would be a major plot with Adam and Shiro, and I feel like they did both characters dirty. No, Adam’s death was far from heroic. It was a flash death, not even sudden, and people were left confused to it. I’m pretty sure they even referred to Adam as PERSON 1 in the subtitles. Shiro’s grieving of his old partner is so rushed too. We got an entire clip of Pidge sobbing her heart out over her brother, but see barely a flinch as Shiro looks at his ex fiancés grave. You wouldnt even be able to tell they used to be a couple if the producers didn’t say something. I’m sorry, but personally, I can’t count this as LGBT rep when it’s so concealed like this... it hurts, because they hyped the rep up so much and I was so excited, and then shit hit the fan.

Then there is Lance, who we were promised would get development. The only development for him has been on his crush for Allura and it’s painfully obvious. He is used as a joke. The other characters mistreat him... and it’s very hard to watch. This, as a kids show, just shows that it’s okay to be rude and make fun of other people. My younger sister even picked up on this and said the way Lance is treated by everyone, especially his sister, is bad! The whole gameshow episodes they kept calling the poor teen Dumb and Stupid. Like, jeez, that’s kind of damaging? They even showed that Lance has many insecurities and yet, they don’t go any further about it. He cries? No one comforts him. He’s worried? People shoot him down. He tries to help others? He gets yelled at that he can’t do things right or disregarded. It goes to show as a regular trope kids are taught today, it’s bad for boys to have emotions! It’s like it doesn’t even matter! It agitates me so much...

Then, Keith. Keith is my favorite character, he’s gotten SO MUCH development. More than anyone else... which, I kind of dislike.. but, his personality was totally screwed over this season! They changed him completely, and it’s sad to see! Sure, he grew up, but there is literally NOTHING left of his old character!

Now, I guess it’s time for the major controversial ship talk.... this, is a fucking WRECK. The producers of Voltron said that romance wasn’t going to be a big thing in the show. In my honest opinion, they shouldn’t have done ANY romance, no Adam and Shiro, no Allura and Lance, no nothing. They’ve gone about it all wrong, and it’s just disappointing and UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

I’ll start with Allurance. I, originally, liked Allurance. But now, it’s so over done, it’s so awkward, forced, and uncomfortable! The past six seasons, we’ve seen Lance have a meaningless crush on her. I don’t see what’s so great about her to him? He said she makes him want to be a better person, but, anyone on team Voltron makes him try harder, honestly! It just seems so stupid! And now, that lotor is out of the way, Allura all of a sudden shows interest in him? No build up? No back story? Just random blushing and caring? It sounds like a rebound! I mean, yes, I understand peoples feelings can change, but this? They’ve gone about it ALL WRONG! As well? They have said Allura doesn’t get an endgame, but Lance does? This makes no sense. They have also said for Lance’s endgame: he ends up with someone he NEEDS, not WANTS, the person he ends up chose him as a first choice! This doesn’t sound like Allura, yet, they keep pushing it on their interviews and it’s just awkward! This ISNT slowburn!!!!

Finally, Klance. Yeah, I’m upset... very upset actually. They make Lance like Allura violently and now Axca is randomly showing up and now Keith is HET? Yeah... I don’t get it. I don’t get why they made all those unnecessary Klance moments now. Bonding moment? Elevator scene? Comforting? The soft looks? The concern? The colors in the backgrounds? The built up from rivals to friends to co-leading? They were getting along so well, it was so nice! I really thought that they were the slowburn relationship the cast was so excited and quiet about! It seemed so right! But then, Keith left for the blade, and in the shipping panel they said Keith and Lance were soulmates and they wished they could have seen that earlier. I was hurt. Beyond hurt. When Keith came back, I was disappointed. They changed Keith’s personality so much... he was rude and snapping at Lance, I was like, woah? And then when Keith was rude to Allura and Lance told him he should have just stayed away? That hurt! During the game show when Lance and Keith picked each other to leave, I felt so happy! I was like, wow, they care so much for each other! Lance was so earnest with his response! He made such a soft expression and said Keith was like the future! But then Keith ruined the entire moment and said he just picked Lance because he didnt want to spend an eternity with him! Like, what? What happened to the Keith that hung onto their bonding moment? Why was he so snappy? I am so confused why they built up a nice friendship and then we get THAT from them! It seems so.. wrong now! I am hurt over it, like, genuinely. I don’t even care if they weren’t going to be in a relationship! They could have been AMAZING friends, but they ruined that! They made their friendship seem so toxic!

After this season, I’ve honestly lost my passion and fire for Voltron... I’m so disappointed and sad. Not just because of ships, but plot as well.

I also would like to say as a side note: it’s okay for people to watch a show just for ships. That’s their interest, let them do what they want and don’t attack them... we all have our personal reasons for stuff!!!

[mollydollyjournals]

I'm supposed to go for dinner with my in laws tomorrow. Today, technically. Hb isnt even sure if he's going so I have to wait until hes decided. But I dont feel like I can go at all. It would be a really bad idea for me. I'm fucking tired. I'm worse than I've been in a long time. Again. I keep getting worse. Why the fuck would I be able to go play Good Wife in a situation that's anything but that.

And I just got a lot better with my art. That ADHD hyperfocus finally paid off somehow. In the past month I've learned way more with drawing than i have in years. I wanna draw. I wanna make comics. I wanna learn. It feels like growth and i dont want to go sit in a mansion pretending the sofa I'm sitting on isnt worth more money than my entire life. I'm not them. Nigga we ain't them.

If I stay up late enough I can tell hb I wont be able to wake up in time. Its likely anyway, and I already told him this. It's just the only thing of my issues that he seems to relate to. I think he can relate to more really, but he keeps playing the part. Kyriarchy is a hell of a drug.

I have therapy every Friday. Last session I mentioned that this dinner was coming up and I didnt want to go. My therapist said, 'then why not stay home?' and I felt like, you know...you're right. I know you're right. You know you're right. Insert Nirvana song. The correct option, really, is for me not to go. Even hb isnt really well enough to make the 3-4hr round trip for dinner.

But they are high achieving high functioning middle class rich white people and whether we care about that or not the fact remains that they own the house we live in. And that's capitalism, folks. That's why I havent left hb in all the times I've thought that might be better for us. That's why hb hasnt broken away from his parents in all his life. That's why his mother hasnt left his father even though shes literally even told her children she wants to. Its money. In some cases, cant handle leaving the middle class lifestyle behind. In my case, just need a secure place to live with vaguely reliable heating and internet. Regardless, fucking capitalism.

So I dont know what to do. They wouldnt understand that I finally got some kind of breakthrough with my art. Not unless i was going to make money out of it. My own mother barely understands that kind of thing. God theres so much i havent even written here.

I just dont want to go. It's not a good idea for me to go. It's a good idea for me to stay here and make my art and draw my comics and stay sober where I can and drink where I need to. Fuck I'm really glad I started with my therapist tbh. It really surprised me that a cishet white guy that isnt trying to fuck me might actually relate to me. My brain keeps spinning all kinds of bad outcomes for that. But for the time being at least, this is someone who thinks similarly to me, but is qualified as a therapist in a lot of ways that I need. And if he says 'addiction isnt the ideal but I'm really glad you got drunk instead of k1ll1ng yourself' and 'if you're that stressed about going, why do you have to go?' that's what was in my head to start with. That was exactly it. I could have game over'd and I definitely wanted to but I drank instead to just keep myself going. Until later. Until tomorrow if I can manage it. My increased sui// shit is from feeling like I'm being judged for that and cant get out of it, and if I cant continue as an alcoholic, and i cant continue without alcohol, then i guess i just cant continue. And fuck even a paid professional is such a rarity as someone who might tell me that yes, I should continue to exist, and yes, I am a good thing in the world, and yes, there is a way to realistically drink less, but yes, i should drink myself into oblivion if that helps me to continue to exist another day. And in deciding whether to go see my rich white upper middle class in laws, I should consider whether I actually want to do that or not and maybe just be selfish a bit in my decision.

But hb will give me shit if I don't. I was really hoping he'd cancel. He said he was probably going to. But he didnt confirm. He said hed confirm tomorrow, at a time that's fine for him but way too late for me. Really, we shouldn't go. Neither of us should. We only want to go to show up for his mother, who is a baby boomer who's been through a lot and tried her best to fill the role assigned to her. Otherwise we'd see the rest of his family at another time - not that we dont want to see then, we just dibt want to cancel.

And all of this is the same performative bullshit I grew up with. As a poor person attending a school full of rich kids. As a 2nd gen immigrant brown kid at a school full of white folks (where in the recent BLM movement that same school was called out for its racism). As a yet-undiagnosed autistic kid trying to look neurotypical while not even aware of the issue.

Its the same. Every time I have to go back there. Even hb got more vocal about judging me recently. Again. I'm too tired. I cant do it. I can work on my drawing, I cant do this middle class family Good Wife shit.

Its nearly 2:30am and that'll be my excuse. I wont be able to wake up in time. Hb will understand that. But he'll see it that I'm still awake because I stayed up drinking and smoking and whatever. Not that I'm doing those things because I'm anxious as shit. Or that actually I had a reasonable amount of wine with my mum today when I went to visit her for the first time in a really long time, along with two of the pets I brought home when I lived with her who are now elderly and one could drop dead any second, and I'm really an introvert, and if I'm going to go anywhere to socialise it has to be my mum. It has to.

I dont know if I'm overreacting, because at this point I'm going to have to tell hb that I wont be able to go and hes going to know that I drank and whatever and maybe he wont go off at me. But I am completely certain that there'll be some passive aggression going forth. And I hate this. And even this journal post, on my own private anonymous tumblr account, is taking up way too muc mental energy that I was previously putting into a drawing that I actually felt good about.

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[theday]

hello! as 2017 is ending nd 2018 is starting i thought i’d do a mutual appreciation post like many others are doing/have done because wtf i love my friends [dowoon voice] hey! and yes thats me down there bc hashtag love myself hashtag love yourself - big time rush, 2017 

heres some (hopefully) short sappy story lads,, so ive converted this blog 3 times from a 5sos one to an aes blog and now we’re here! ive had this as a kpop sideblog since the start of july and i never expected to make as many friends as i have now and it still wows me so much wtf... i love all of you im gonna throw myself off a cliff into a sea of love 

legend: ☆ - people i love a lot, ☾- the most important to me!, bolded for trusted mutual

short message to my moon people alright hopefully i dont write an essay

☾ @softshouyous: falen waht the fuck u know when u told me we were only friends for a whole year and a half i didnt believe it ;-/ i thought we were pals for longer thats just how close we are i guess ive done so many falen love essays so ill be repeating myself lmao youre one of my greatest friends on here and twitter and i just wanted to say thank you, for a few things!! first for staying strong and being here today!! second is for following (back?) on twitter which lead us to not Dying off u kno...,, third is for being someone i can rely on whenever i need to and talking to you makes me feel the safest bc i know.. i know u rly like being my friend ur my safe friend my special place i love u :D 

☾ @briwoon: hey boxy!!!!!!!!! i dont remember how we became friends but i have a lot to say to u why didnt u send a tree in dhhdh u dont have to bc ill be professing my love for u here b*thc ! dude ok i always say this bc im basically a broken record but thank you sososososoosososososososoosososo much for introducing me to day6 because damn without you i wouldnt be here and i dont know how id have managed to survive the rest of the year without them so really- thank you so damn much i love u the mostest :( i know u might be going through some tough times but please know that i am here for you (so is bell!) so feel free to talk to us anytime!! another thing, thank u for introducing me to mx as well you really brought happiness into my life bc of everything..! ur imapct my dude!!!!!! this all happened bc of you! this is happening bc of you and i just want you to know that youve given me a reason to smile everyday nd im hoping one day youll have a reason to smile daily too! im glad astro are helping you out too and that you like them :-( i love u 2 the moon and back! 

☾ @tokayhk: bell just 2 start off ill be saying no homo duhdjhdh just kidding i love u so much okay i know we havent even been buddies for that long but it feels like ive known u for more! !!!!! ur a friend i can rant to (and be extra shady with) and youve also helped me accept reality (thank u god) even tho i did hate u for like 1 minute but im over that please dm me any time to tell me 2 wake the fuk up bc sometimes i need it ;-/ despite being a youngin youre super mature which led me to think u were like 18 but thats clearly not the case jdjs its okie though ur doing amazing for a [redacted] year old!!!!! please i love ur humor so much and every time u say ur not funny i wanna punhc u but with love bc ur the funniest person i know :-( u always make us (the hq) laugh and pleas its amazing ur presence in the gc rly brightens the whole place up i love u also ur impact ive been using the phrases u say a lot more often now i shld start crediting u in the tags or smth (c) bell ! also! im glad u got into astro bc before boxy u were the only person id be yelling to on twitter about astro im glad u like them too wtf ! i love u so much and thank u for being my friend and being born :-0 i already told u like a few lines back but u rly are funnie and also ur art i mcdie every time huhuuhu i miss ur streams but idk when im free ;-( ur streams rly made my day we became friends through that and the gc is thriving its been a good year ! 

ill stop there bc this post would get super long if i didnt now on 2 my buddies!! (?? how many alphabets are there)

A-L:

@astrofireworks / @briwoon ☆ / @ckyun / @chaekkung ☆ / @cinnamoonbunbin ☆ / @dalkkong ☆ / @eggkyun / @eunrocky / @gothhyungwon ☆ / @heybinnie / @hokidan / @hyyh-pt2 / @ikyh / @imchangkyute / @ilovedowoon / @jianhyuk / @jinwooes / @jooheun ☆ / @kihyunswife ☆ / @kimkyungsoos / @kiwirn / @leedongmlns ☆ / @ljh-94 

M-guys i cant do the fucking hashtag what the fuck pretend its there:

@m1nhyuk ☆ / @minhyukt ☆ / @mxgoth / @myunghjun / @mxrays / @minhyukwithagun ☆ / @monbeebs ☆ / @morningcallz / @nubebe ☆ / @oikawayylmao / @parkminhyuksegg / @softki​ / @softshouyous​ ☆ / @space-triangles​ / @smileyrocky​ / @tokayhk​ ☆ / @vmxns​ / @whonpil​ / @warmhyungwon / @04yeol / @1showho ☆ / @15hyungwon / @94honeyluv 

if you werent added in here (aka my dumbass forgot) just like this post and ill add u immediately!!! also dont worry if you werent bolded/starred i love everyone!!!!!! all of you have made my 2017 a little bit better and brighter and i hope we’ll be able to stay friends/mutuals in the next year as well 

feel free to unfollow/break the mutual anytime though!! :D your dash should be filled with things you want to see/love! this should be posted at 12am my time so happy new year (eve, for most) i hope everyone has a good day/night! thank you once again for making my year better ♡

i neevr shut up but another thing,, good job to everyone for managing to make it through another year!! im proud of everyone okie i love u guys :_) oh ya god can i shut up but shout out to my secret santas!!! miss cryptic if ur out there thank u for being an awesome ss i hope ur doing well !! 

[a-lack-of-concern]

Half Adult

Okay so a bit about me: I'm a senior in high school and I work in retail. From 8 to 1030 I take college courses, then I drive to my high school and take those classes from 11 to 230. I have work from 5 to 930. I haven't been posting on here, but ive been saving stories SO WATCH OUT. But anyway, I consider myself a mature person. As I am nearly of age, I already know financing and taxes and scheduling well enough to not fail out of my senior year. In my college building and at home, I am treated like an adult, so it's quite a shock to me to be treated as a child by my high school officials.

For example, I plan to major in art and design, photography specifically. I enrolled in a class entitled "Floral Design", and was dismayed to discover that this course isnt a design course. Floral Design is an FFA course, and would do nothing but put me behind in design. Realizing this, I went to the senior councelor to request a class change into independent art or something similar. The first time I was told my request was not important enough to be considered, and to come back in second semester. I returned today and was told;

"There's no where we can put you, sweetie, you knew what you were going into when you signed up for your courses."

My school does not provide us with course descriptions and no teacher I asked seemed to be able to tell me what Floral Design was when I asked. She also dismissed me by saying that there are no openings for another student when I'm fact, independent art and computer sciences are both hurting for 6th block students. The conversation persisted and I got the feeling she would only listen if an adult (my parent or a teacher) were to talk to her.

This brings me to the point of this large scale rant: although I'm not of age, I deserve to be treated in a deserving way of how I act. If I act professionally and mature, then I expect to be treated in a professional and mature matter. There wouldnt be a problem if I walked in and said "this class is stupid switch me out of it".

[theonlydyourgettingisaduel]

SORTA KINDA EMERGANCY COMMISSIONS

OKay so the Commissions themselfs ARE not for the emergancy, they are for REPLACING my favorite item/coping item In this especially rough time of My life. My comfort item. I happend to lose It. 

So here is the situation THIS MESSAGE HAS TAKEN PLACE ABOUT Um, Id say At least febuary 12th

And I am updating this message FROM THERE with new information

----------------

So basicly what happend is i got 2 hours of sleep for the whole night last night, on top of being sick, but the worst news happend around lunchtime when i was told my future roomate who was told by our previous manager she was guarenteed to be able to move in with me offically by april , but our new manager is now saying its 100% bullshit, and she wouldnt be approved till at least 2 years. And i cant finanially be on my own or even emotionally be on my own for two, so i have another freind who can in fact move in with me but the manager said yah since they are arready approved its okay. And i was happy but they told me "you have 4 days to do it. And otherwise yous wait two years" and that is increadible pressure and unfortonetly im handling it so bad the stress is hospital worthy, palpitations, low bloodsugar panic attacks, vomited twice today, feeling like passing out today is so regrettable, im just not finctioning My back hurts too Its just bad (THAT is the message i sent my freind yesterday, explaining the situation, and there are some updates. ) I ended up going to the hospital later that day, and i was prescribed a medication that i thought would help for the stress... turns out i was allergic to it and i caused hallucinations last night. I had to stop taking it this morning. I did get some good news earlier in the day, I got 2 weeks instead of four days, but this was sudden still and i am still stressed out. I do feel slightly better after sleep, but some more drama happend later today, not directly involving me , but more affecting my room mate who is going to be living with me, and so shes upset with her mom about something and so we are also avoiding her while having to take care of this. i recived this water bottle today and so this brigtens my day a tiny bit.. but the next few weeks are going to be hell... and i will not be able to do anything tommorrow on valaneintes day, my art stuff willl be on hold, and all my plans go down the drain... but if i have to find modivation , I am happy that this at least arrived... onlyDyougetisaDuel - Add a Comment:

-----------------------

Okay so this message was posted on my deviant art and it was attatched to this post 

http://onlydyougetisaduel.deviantart.com/art/PLEASE-READ-663408180

------------------------------------

Updating from there, 

I found out Yesterday that I was not allowed to live with the roomate i thought i was gonna be able to, with both Mine and her income combined , we would make too much money for us to live in these Income based housing appartments, meaning I make too much to live with someone who makes more, but too little to live on my own completly, this is a very bad situation. 

I also do not have the energy to be dealing with this, I am sick as hell, I have a feaver, 

worst yet I had lost my favorite coping item, it was just this yuya plush i commissioned, but it was my comfort item, and yesterday instead of resting i pushed myself too far to look for it when i am sick, 

I may just have to commission a new one, 

So here is the thing, 

I am opening commissions, I just need to raise at least 25-35$ so please just reblog or retweet, I know that the item isnt important, But it was to me, and it would be a little bit less of my stress, and sanity to get another one, that is why its “sorta kinda emergancy, and not “emergancy” So please just reblog , thats all i ask. 

I would have to do it when im better tho...

(EDIT: CRAP I FORGOT TO ADD THE SHEET HERE YOU GO

[pastafrog]

sorry i keep saying things but also idk why im apologizing nobody follows this account so i have no obligation to feel guilty because the only one dealing with what i post is me and theres no benefit to apologizing to myself for this shit bc i could easily just not make the post and solve the problem way more effectively

today shouldve been a good day but im just so. emotionally exhausted.

i passed my driving test after having my permit for 2 years. finally. but i genuinely havent felt anything. like i was relieved when he said i passed but honestly that was barely even relief. i had to force myself to feel that. idk why. i wouldve forced myself to be sad if i failed. i continually told myself i wouldnt pass, but knew i was capable, so nothing wouldve surprised me. idk. im rambling. but it should've been a good day. i accomplished something ive been stressed about forever. but instead of being proud, im just kinda numb. and its frustrating.

i love my girlfriend but even talking to her today once i reached my limit of how many things i had the energy to do for the day wasnt enough. i have 2 tests im stressed abt tomorrow in school. i needed to have fixed my art project and turned it in. but instead, im in bed. i want to go to sleep. but i also feel guilty because i didnt do what i needed to do today. its a horrible cycle of never being enough. im gonna regret writing all this later bc its angsty but like. i need to dump my stupid brain real quick. and there arent any consequences when theres nobody listening.

im essentially in my head about everything rn. peer critiques in art werent that bad but basically "balance could be improved" translated to "your art is shit and youre basically doodling like a 4th grader rather than someone who has learned the principles of art 4 times". somehow though, it didnt bum me out? i just kinda accepted those thoughts and moved on. idk why my brain is doing this right now. i should be happy. im in a great relationship, im in classes i enjoy, im doing well in my extracurriculars, i can drive now, etc. but here i am, laying in bed, typing out a blog post to nobody about how my privileged life isnt enough for my stupid brain today.

maybe itll be better tomorrow. we'll see.

[adambstingus]

I’m Living With HIV/ AIDS After The Election And I’m Afraid

Every December 1 for World AIDS Day, we pause to take stock of how far we have come and how far we need to go. But this year is different. Now there is fear and savvy, especially in the U.S. South, where we are disproportionately impacted by HIV/ AIDS in terms of those affected and likewise shortage financial resources the rest of the country enjoys. After the results from the present working referendum and all that came along with a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic candidate who ranged the most unfriendly and divisive, safarus in American political biography, the results of which have left beings with HIV afraid.

If Obamacare is depleted which is something we those with HIV/ AIDS do? Will we have the capacity to get the doses we need? What about research and funding? Prevention attempts? Will the President-Elect remain devoted to official duties to protecting us? What we do know is that when the 2016 Presidential HIV/ AIDS Questionnaire was transmitted around Secretary Clinton replied in eight pages of policy and ideas, Donald Trump did not answer questionnaire at all.

As a proud African American woman who is living with AIDS, on this World AIDS day I want to tell my fib. Perhaps this is the way our President elect can see the real life impact of his future actions.

I am 55 years old and appreciative to be alive and I want to share with you all a little about “peoples lives”. At the age of twelve, I lost the one person who intended a great deal to me: my Dad. He committed suicide and that was one of the most horrible parts in “peoples lives”. My oldest brother, eleven years old at the time, felt the same suffering. Statements cannot explain how affected “wed been”, but that was the opening up of a life of commotion. At fourteen, I felt as if I was alone. I had no one to comfort me as a lament child and no one to talk to about how I was feeling. My mom was there, but the link wasnt. Having a stranger living in our home, who was my mothers ex-boyfriend, didnt promotion either. He was the man who would come out of the shower and listen at my opening each night. He would try to embarrass me in front of my friends. But, as a child, I didnt is a well known fact life. I didnt know about the street, because I grew up in the suburbs but I learned soon to avoid of going back home. Years gone by and I coped with the consequences of the my painful teenaged times. I wanted to build a family, something I could be proud of and hold on to. As I sought ties-in, I soon procured a person who are able to give me what I recollected I needed. Regrettably, after a number of years I left my husband and tragically he and members of their families preserved my children away from me. They tried to keep me from having any contact and had considered that as a young baby, I wouldnt fight. But I did. It was a battle, but the evaluate finally “ve been given” permanent detention of my daughters.

Years eventually, I was abused in my own home, which devastated me for years. I soon turned to boozing beer and smoking cigarettes, and ten years later, I was date raped. After a hysterectomy my life changed drastically. I cried because of the ache and wailed out to God for an answer. I felt his words whispering to me, You are going to be okay, you are going to be alright. I instantly began writing songs and during this time, I started feeling ill. I went to physicians – appointments after appointment – and finally one doctor exposed what I didnt think was possible considering I had been celibate for 10 years. The physician have said that I have symptoms like HIV. I immediately said No I dont. Theres no way. I am celibate and have been for TEN years.

The following week came and my physician confirmed that I was HIV positive. I was devastated and knew a minister I was involved with gave it to me. I wasnt sexually active with anyone else, but the minister. This was 17 years ago, and at that time, I repudiated medical notice and was gradually dying. In 2013, I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS, dementia and serious depression.

To all affected with HIV/ AIDS out there: Keep your head high and not low-grade. We cannot stall or lose soil, especially in the South.

To live through these experiences was a miracle. Medical doctors told my daughters to prepare for my funeral. But I didnt die. I am health, alive and glad. I am consecrated! I had the courage to write a volume and I am now have a ministry. Dont Die Stay Alive Ministries ( Where suffer centers are mended through the arts ) The mission is to get these playing in religions and Conferences. The designation of one of my play-acts is STIGMATIZED I likewise started writing screenplays and situated third in the LA International Screenwriting contest. I have written a childrens notebook that speaks and teach about social issues. This will be a series of books. The first one is, Dont Burst My Bubble( Meet the Kastle Hill Gang) The Kastle Hill Gang are six multicultural teens who school positive social issues. I write poetry and after my illness begin to write Gospel carols. My poem is mending verse that I wrote before I found out that I was HIV positive and a book, three movies that I wrote that was on Netflix and I was still pathetic. I fantasized I was going to die, but today I am greater and I write more. I am a motivational orator. I speak in religions and conferences. The most recent blessing was being included in the POZ 100( www.pozmagazine.com/ poz1 00 ). That is such an honor and has inspired me to imagine great things are in store for me. I am praying to one day start my own publishing companionship. My viral loading is zero from half a million and CD4 led from 20 to 320. I am a survivor! And I am fantastically thankful. I would like to show people that one can live a productive life with this illness. I am living proof.

After severe feeling and tons of regiman the depression faded. Likewise, my two oldest daughters took great care of me. My house was my support system through all of this. Since my diagnosis in 2010 I am now undetectable. I miss girls just knowing that we fall sometimes, but we can get right back up. Living with HIV was not in my a blueprint for myself, but from this experience, I want to inform girls all over the world that we can live “peoples lives” as best as we are going to be able. Too, it is important to protect ourselves and our partners. Beings are afraid because of the absence of acquaintance. So, to all affected with HIVAIDS out there: Stop your leader high and not low-grade. I came to a better place because of the support of my family and friends. I began to volunteer for a couple of HIV/ AIDS administration. Plus, my writing was and is very therapeutic. The regiman that I received for the severe depression facilitated me mentally. These things facilitated me to come to a better place and a different way of thinking when it comes to this disease. One lies in the fact that I speculated I was going to die. Not genuine at all. Every era I take care myself and those around me. And I will wait and watch to view what comes next, but know that I will face it all with community and fortitude. It is all we can do in the third largest decade of this epidemic and we cannot stop or lose floor, especially in the South.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/im-living-with-hiv-aids-after-the-election-and-im-afraid/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183114810987

[in-paradox-space]

I scheduled a post for every day for 21 days.

I made them as a reminder for myself everything would get better, but I’m feeling better sooner than anticipated. I regret making the posts because they’re cringy but I’m sure nobody at all sees them. 

You’ll feel better too, whatever you’re going through. 

After some research I decided that’s how long it’d take for me feel alright again after a pretty heavy MDMA and other substance comedown.

I feel like the other substance might be cocaine or ketamine, i dont know. It hit me really quickly and my left arm was being controlled by my leg, when I tried to move my limbs a different part of my body would move.

It was extremely euphoric and terrifying but I just didn’t move for a while until I felt I could carefully attempt to move again.

So yeah the posts are like really emotional and dramatic but I felt fucking awful the week of the comedown.

You heard of brain zaps? They’re fucking awful.

I kept researching online in how the fuck to feel better and stop the brain zaps. Everywhere pointed to a thing called 5htp. It’s tryptophan. From my memory, I believe it’s a chemical which aids to production of serotonin. We get it naturally from food, and it helps our body to create and/or properly absorb serotonin. Something like that... it helps us feel serotonin anyway.

and the internet suggested the brain zaps were likely my brain trying to return back to it’s balance

and at that time i was really lovestruck by a girl. I feel okay knowing i likely wont ever be with her now. 

i dont mind if i see her again or not. I’d like to see her again but i think it’d just be cool to be friends. I think the chemical imbalance made me feel the need to be around someone. It’s all down to the chemicals in your mind at the end of the day. They control your perception of everything, your attitude to the world. 

well yeah, everywhere told me to buy 5htp. i knew it wouldnt arrive in time for me to use them but i ordered anyway, in case this shit happens again. they also sounded good

I tried my first one today, a 100mg pill. 

I felt kind of sick afterwards but I ate a sandwich and I was fine. 

Whether or not it’s a placebo, I felt great today.

Not a euphoric feeling, but I just feel good. 

I smile, type smiley faces and can say I’m good.

I’ve been really confident today. I arrived at college a little late, cracked jokes very naturally. Like it just happened, I just made jokes without thinking and everybody let off genuine, unstoppable laughter. 

I’m not extremely acquainted with my class. I know the names of my tutor and 5 students. We joked like we’d already spent the year together and I smiled. It was a sunny day and I got hella work done.

Work in illustrator. Photoshop is pretty simple but illustrator is just frustrating.

I did a whole art piece in illustrator and I’ve almost half-finished the annotation; I’ll have to type that up tomorrow. I wrote notes and keywords for when I type it up. 

I also have to design like 10 logos.The minimum is six, but I put a lot of planning and basically create multiple logo designs for every one logo.

So if I create six logos as meticulously as I do I should get a merit at least. I’ll have to annotate it well.

I have some work experience lined up. I don’t know where yet, we’re sort of trying the first choice, somewhere pretty prestigious but I don’t want to name it here.

Then if not, it’s some other places which will be pretty useful for my future.

but outside of college

I have some other work experience lined up 

like legit

you see an opportunity, you take it. You say yes. 

Tell yourself yes enough times every morning. 

you will say yes to others 

they say yes to you

Just bring the word into your vocabulary. 

So yeah, 5HTP. I don’t think it’s a placebo. I recommend it to anyone who even knows about this blog. Not suitable if you’re on SSRIs though, of course, because of the connections with serotonin.

I felt pretty good today.

I put out a lot of positive vibrations and recieved them. 

I shouldn’t let my guard down though. 

so yeah

someone posted an opportunity online

somebody sent it to me 

I decided I’d go for it, a lot of other people went for it

but what I had to offer was closest to what the client wanted and/or believed they wanted

and I think I got the place

they wont be disappointed.  

It was on facebook though, they was middle-aged and not exactly an internet dweller

my facebook is fucking FILLED with underground memes

very obscure and ironic to the point of not at all being understood by anyone just a little outside of it

and some accessible, wholesome shit 

but idk

if this person sees them they wont understand

im really surprised they even got to me about it

i think its because i was the only one who offered what they wanted.

My services for free. They won’t be disappointed but I’m sure they have doubts.

I won’t be surprised if they change their mind.

I don’t wanna change my whole facebook to look presentable though, the memers on that friends list were there throughout the whole shabang

the good, the bad and the ugly

they’re brothers and I’m not going to sell them out.

so i need to make a page, then eventually a website, to showcase my work and offer people my services.

tomorrow, I also need to filter through around 2000 HD photos and put the best ones into a folder

then filter those to the very best in another folder

and upload them all on imgur, in the meantime, I suppose

then create a quick Facebook page

haha fuck

creating pages is the hard part

maintaining them can be tricky

they either run themselves, or become a chore you eventually abandon 

If the thought of keeping your page up to date tires you, I recommend scheduling weeks and weeks ahead

and working your ass off for a few days every few weeks.

then u literally just have to read comments and check interactions every now and then.

hnnng

I hate having to filter through hundreds of photos, every time I go somewhere with my camera, to put them into the ‘good’ folders.

mainly because my pc is slow at loading them. 

 I wanted to get a new cpu but the one I wanted was out of stock. 

i think everything else is decent in there. i could use more, faster ram and i need to fix the codecs. 

but the hardware is fine, its just a shitty cpu i got from ebay.

also the tiny motherboard and ram came in a cheap bundle lmao

i dont want to change the motherboard though.

where am i going with this?

Yes! Tomorrow will be a big day.

Gonna take some 5htp in the morning to get through it. I wake up in 4 hours and go to the gym in 5. 

I have to finish my college annotation and spend a few hours doing logos.

Then pilfer through hundreds and hundreds of photos

choose the best ones

upload hundreds and hundreds of high res photos

smooth talk with some potential first clients

and i have to create a facebook page

aaaaa

and I have  to write all the details in there

do I have to watermark all the photos too?  

well

i just wanted to say the 5htp is good. 

im getting good opportunities

things are really starting to look good. 

i write this sentence to you with love!

I have hella work to do tomorrow

and the MDMA comedown isn’t a problem now.