#I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDNT POST ART TODAY

[edgamz]

You’re nothing without me !!

[everythingsinred]

what follows is a long, rambly, and possibly sappy thank you note to the best fandom ive ever involved myself in. if you have ever sent me an ask, commented on my fics, or replied to a post i made (or even liked it tbh)--then this post is for you. (and this is most certainly not a good-bye or even close; i just occasionally get into sappy moods)

i want to start working on a career that i like, and my mom’s recommendation was to start a writing blog (she insisted i dont call it that though--to call it a “website” so it sounds more professional when i apply for writing gigs). its not the first time shes given me that advice but i have for some reason always resisted that idea before. “nobody would read it” was always the bottom line. that whole “it has to be perfect to make up for the fact that it’s me” has always been my outlook on anything i produce. its why i feel so poorly whenever i post a new chapter of a fic or any art ever. its why im taking so long on the next batch of ga essays. its why ive never formally submitted any writing ever for publishing. why would anyone read anything i have to write, especially with no dead fandom to prompt them? who would choose me out of all the aspiring writers out there?

for ga it was a bit easier after a bit of breaking through the initial anxiety of sharing bits of myself. its a small fandom. not much content going around. theyd take anything right? even if it was from me! 

but something really weird happened these past few years in the ga fandom. i started writing essays and became more vocal, posting my thoughts, writing a long, dark, fucked up fanfic. i got feedback from people who wanted more from me. theyd ask me my thoughts on things, when id never considered myself an authority on anything or even very interesting to talk to (a lifetime of being the substitute friend will do that to you). ppl sent me asks about questions. they replied to my posts to further discuss things. me! what on earth?

then it got weirder. i posted my weird messed up little fic and now every once in a while ill get a comment from a person that says that my fic is their favorite, not just in the fandom, but ever. EVER. what? a couple of people have told me that they’d read anything i wrote, even if it had nothing to do with gakuen alice.

that they’d read something just because it was me.

this isnt a rant or a vent. something has changed in my self esteem in the past few years because today, when my mom told me i should start a “writing website” and post weekly writing, it actually sounded like a decent idea. no part of her advice was different than it had ever been, but i was. i could for the first time imagine starting a blog (website) and picture someone actually liking what they found there. and that’s bc of the ga fandom and bc of the writing ive done it for it and SPECIFICALLY the writing ive actually had the guts to share. 

none of it has been perfect. im lazy when it comes to self-editing and when i finish writing a chapter im eager to just throw it out there instead of rereading it once, let alone twice. a lot of it has been imperfect, but you guys still read it. you enjoyed it, even. “it has to be perfect to make up for the fact that it’s me” has never been a problem for you. for whatever reason, quite a few of you like me, like my writing, like my ideas and thoughts. a couple of years ago i wouldnt have been able to fathom that, not even in my wildest dreams. 

im proud of myself for taking those first steps a couple years back, for posting those first couple posts and letting myself get involved in the fandom for a manga ive loved for half my life. im proud because if i hadnt done that, then maybe my self esteem wouldnt have developed like this. maybe i wouldnt have been able to picture a career in publishing as clearly as i can now. i obviously still have issues as far as my self esteem is concerned. i second-guess myself. i talk down to myself. i put off rereading bc i dont want to hate what i create. but you guys have helped me like my writing and helped me see that other people can like it too.

i am beyond grateful for that. i dont get a lot of traction or feedback like i would if i were in a larger fandom, but i dont mind. the feedback that i do get is of such good quality and has meant so much to me that it has potentially changed my life. i just needed you all to know that. that the people who have sent me asks, both on and off anon, requesting my thoughts on any topic; the people who leave comments on ffn and ao3, giving support ranging from long paragraphs to a brief sentence; the people who dm me or message me to share their thoughts on my work; the people who commented on my natsumikan essays telling me that ive helped them see something from a different perspective--you all have helped me see that there’s value in the things i create. 

i just want to say thank you. it has meant so much to me so far to be able to feel so confident in my writing. i really didnt even notice the change until today. how bizarre is it that something so important can change without you even noticing? i look forward to sharing more with you, from more fics to the mikan essay (which still has to be perfect, just maybe not as perfect as it wouldve had to be a few years ago lol). 

don’t be nervous that this a good-bye. it is not. it’s strange because whenever i’ve said anything like this (sent a message of adoration to a person i love, for example), people think it’s a bad sign. that i’m saying good-bye, or that it’s somehow a sign of something unsaid. i understand. this kind of nonsense sappiness (like all that stuff i wrote up there ^) is usually saved for the ffn bio when someone is leaving the site, for the good-bye post when someone decides to leave a fandom. “you’ve all meant so much to me and i’m leaving now.” that’s because usually people save all the important things for the end. you only say how you’ve felt when you say farewell. i don’t think life should be that way. i’m not saying good-bye, i’m saying i love you. i think people should say that more. i want people to feel good about themselves for what they’ve done, however small, to make my life--and undoubtedly the lives of others--a little brighter. and you have. you should know and i don’t intend to keep it to myself until i say good-bye (whenever or even if that happens). 

tldr; i love you gakuen alice fandom <3 youre not dead because dead things cant give life the way you have.

[mymp3]

This, for me, has been such a wild and amazing ride. I've loved every moment I've been apart of this fandom.

Getting a chance to expierence everything from the very beginning, and see the SMP play out to what it's become today, has been something I wouldn't have imagined in hindsight. Seeing November 16th trend on twitter was such a crazy moment. I remember thinking, oh my gosh, we've done something massive here. Looking back now fondly and realizing it was just the beginning of something much bigger.

The best part though, was deciding to join Tumblr. Not only post on my Tumblr more consistently, but to reach out to people i thought were nice. This space, this platform, has given me some of the happiest moments of my life. It's allowed me to meet and have moments i wouldn't otherwise ever dream of having. Seeing it grow massively month to month. Liveblogging, posting theories, art. Dming people, and getting to know them on a more personal level aside from surface level interests. Life did this crazy thing and allowed me to expierence it all.

These last few years have been rough. They haven't always been the best, or most hopeful. I've been through some of the darkest moments of my life, but the Dream SMP, my friends, have given me light in those moments of darkness. Though it might seem simple and insignificant, who knows where I'd be without it.

I started making animations again, started streaming, gained the confidence to talk to my friends about some things, that allow me to live my life much happier now. I'm a much more outgoing person, I've learned a lot. My personality, and myself in general, have grown for the better. To think it's all thanks to this roleplay series i decided to sit down and watch one October afternoon, is insane to me.

Looking back on it now, taking it all in and just thinking about it, makes me smile. If i could have told my younger self what would happen when i sat down on that couch and asked my sister "Hey, wanna try watching this thing called the Dream SMP?". i don't think i could have even comprehended it.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is, thank you. Thank you to everyone, big or small. If we've only followed one another, or never followed at all. Thank you to everyone who's made this together, thank you to the community, and the friends, and the journey we've had along the way. And though the journey might not be over yet, it's never truly over. We'll carry these expierences with us for the rest of our lives. It's apart of us, apart of you.

To all my friends, people I've met along the way, i wouldnt have had it any other way. Thank you for being apart of my time here, and my life in general. Thank you for letting me expierence this with all of you. Thank you for shaping my life for the better.

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

He did? Umm.. what happened exactly?

(referring to this post)

my 11th grade chemistry teacher had an associates degree in liberal arts.

you know how in virtually every class you’ve ever had since middle school, your teachers made a big stink about the syllabus? she didn’t have one. this was her first teaching job, which she got because of her length experience as a substitute, not by her licensing qualifications. we were, at first, excited to have her, because she was a “fun sub” and we were 17 years old and stupid as all shit. we were the “normal chem” class in a system where the only other options were “honors chem” which was filled with children who actually know how to study (or cheat) and have an air of proper student activity, and “AP Chem”, which is clear enough if you’ve been an american student in the last 15 years.

she followed the mcgraw hill chemistry book in order of chapters, despite the fact that our state standardized tests did several of the chapters out of order. ever notice how you’ll suddenly be looking at chapter 11 when just last week you were on chapter 5, then the next week you’re on chapter 8? standardized testing is the reason. anyways by asking my friends in other classes who had chemistry teachers of relative competence, i was able to discern which chapters i should focus on, and while she was distracted with literally watching youtube videos all period, I was turning around in my seat and walking across the classroom helping my friends and enemies with the packets. (she was a two-packets-a-week kinda teacher.)

yes i said enemies too. the people i hated, i hated because they were sons of bitches i wouldnt piss on to put out a fire. i hated them so dearly i used to pray to god that they would bump into me so i could throw myself into the concrete and split my forehead open and get them expelled due to the blood-clause of our “zero-tolerance policy”. two of the kids in my class had, only the previous year, attempted to set my hair on fire.

i hated the teacher more. 

it gave me extreme pleasure to see her fume and clench her fists when a student would say “i need help” across the classroom and she would move to get up and they would say “oh not you miss, im waiting for vicky.” jesus christ the only time ive ever felt a comparable high was when i was at a halloween party in college where i was literally so zooted i couldn’t move.

it got worse over time, her getting more and more angry, my ego growing larger and larger. i was a huge bitch in high school, i really thought i was the smartest bitch in the room at any given moment. severe main character syndrome. imagine that kind of person actually being right for 45 minutes out of every day. can you even comprehend the kind of frustration that would create? in a room full of little sociopaths who dont give a shit about anything but getting this joke of a class over with so they can graduate? your first real teaching job and they look right past you, the teacher, to this annoying little shit whose grades are completely abysmal? how are they managing to learn anything from a child who can barely speak in front of more than 10 people? who turns cherry red in the face of literally every authority figure in the building except you? who can’t concentrate and stay still in one spot for more than five minutes? all of your other classes behave! they listen! they sit down and shut up and do the packets! so what fucking gives!!!

so you say “fine, since you all HATE ME so much i just won’t teach then!!!” on literally week fucking ten of teaching. and instead of prostrating themselves before you, begging you to like... point at transparencies and read directly from powerpoints i guess.

and they all collectively say “okay” and let the chipmunk child flutter between desks and help them memorize formulas and mnemonic devices and shit. surely her grades will suffer if she’s constantly dealing with other people and you’ll have justification that her horseshit is “distracting” and “a detriment to her studies”. she got bored gave up on that after two days after nothing changed.

then we did the midterm.

except at the end of the exam packet was something we never learned because again, she was going through the book chronologically. because i actually enjoyed the chem book (so much that i stole it when the year was up lmao), i knew the material.

it was about lewis dots/structures. i couldn’t tell you a damn thing about it today but in december 2010 i absolutely knew that shit. i didnt have too much of a problem with it in the exam, but the students who had gotten to that point were complaining and at first she pulled that “you should have been studying independently uwu” shit but the class was about to get loud during exam period so she shushed us and said that when we get to that point, just stop, and she’ll mark it correct during grading, no harm no foul just keep it quiet. one of the more confrontational students called horseshit and said theres no way we’re trusting that and there’s definitely no way anyone will keep an entire classroom cheating at the instruction of the teacher quiet.

i offered to teach it.

she scoffed, rolled eyes, said “sure fine but you can’t get your exam back” and i said “okay.” so when everyone was to the point in the exam, we piled them all on her desk and i used the whiteboard to briefly and quietly explain lewis dots, used the book examples and problems, and helped the other kids understand. there were a couple exam questions that were lifted straight from the book problems so i skipped those. while teaching i realized i had gotten a couple wrong which sucked :( it was an incredibly stupid experience overall, and no teacher worth the paper their certification is printed on would have allowed that to happen. and fucking yet.

anyways everyone but me got their exams back and finished it and many of us passed, only a few of them did particularly well.

discussing the chem exam with friends who also took the chem exam, many students found their anecdote about the lewis dots to be confounding, for you see, the exam we took was not, in fact, the midterm, but the god damned final.

she had us taking the fucking final because she didnt read the fucking folders which read “midterm” and “final exam” on them

she was reprimanded severely and we all had to take the exam on different days, in different classrooms, sitting very far apart. after that she hated me even more. like girl it was your fault lmao i am literally a teenager grow up lol. anyways you can imagine how much more fucking insufferable i became, knowing how miserable she was.

it all came to a head in february when some students were giggling quietly following a minor fuck up on her part regarding bellwork. they were making fun of her like “are you sure thats not tomorrows bellwork lol” and a friend next to me did the “hey i need help wait no miss not you sorry” thing and when i answered him, she solidly snapped. blah blah YOURE SOOOO DISTRACTING blah blah YOU THINK YOURE SOOOO SMART DONT YOU blah blah blah and she was like demanding i leave the room and shouting at the top of her lungs at me “ YOU POISON THE MINDS OF EVERY OTHER STUDENT HERE. YOU’RE POISONOUS VICTORIA, YOU’RE A VIRUS IN THIS CLASSROOM.”

i will never forget that line as long as i live. it was like crack to me. i moved to open the door to leave and the vp opened it first. he escorted me to the office and asked me what happened, then told me to keep my head down in class from now on, and that if i wanted to help my friends i should give them my number and help them out on our own time. i was like “bro thats really stupid” and he was like “thats all we can do right now but i promise we’re working on it”

i lasted the rest of the year giving smug smiles as we did packet after fucking packet for the rest of the year. they were all take-home work. i wasnt comfy giving my number to my enemies. the class camaraderie ended.

the final was altered. my class took a different final than the rest of the normal chem classes.

i started 12th grade and got a solid case of senioritis. i told that story to anyone who would listen. while it was happening, i obviously told my favorite teacher everything as it happened. when i mentioned it senior year he was like “oh yeah i forgot about her,

she was fired over the summer.”

[wolferals]

☀️STUCK☀️

arón piper imagine

I wrote this when I was 13 so please no judgement😂Tbh idk why I‘m posting it now, i just havent been creative lately and I wanted to post something so there ya go. (I KNOW ITS BAD AND SUPER RUSHED😂)

*

*

„Yes I'll hurry. "I told my best friend before I disappeared in a corridor to get to the art room.

I was actually a pretty shy, or "good girl," but I had no choice, my teacher had taken my phone and put it in the glass box in the art preparation room. And i needed to call my brother because this idiot broke his foot and needed to be picked up from the hospital.

So I ran through the school, trying to meet as few people as possible and not attract attention too much.

It was 4:30, most of them were sitting in the cafeteria or outside waiting for their buses to arrive at any moment. That's why I had to hurry.

So not many students / teachers were on the way, and luckily I did not catch anyone.

When I finally reached the big wooden door of the material room, I pushed the handle down.

With a quick glance around the room, I checked if anyone was here.

But fortunately I was alone, so I went in, closed the door behind me and started looking for my cell phone. I only knew that the taken cell phones were in a glass cabinet, but unfortunately I did not know any more.

I went through the shelves with paper, all sorts of different colors, cardboard, clay and stuff and looked around.

Finally I saw the box in the corner, sighed in relief and ran quickly to get my cell phone.

It was high on the top, so I took it and wanted to make my way back to the door, but just then I heard the door being opened.

I did not see any more, as I skilfully hid myself behind a shelf hoping that the person wouldnt see me.

I only realized that the figure was pretty tall and through the hood the person wore I could not see who it was.

But the person didnt look like a teacher as he/she rummaged through the shelves and I felt he/ she was getting closer and closer.

I panicked slightly as the person stood exactly on the other side of the shelf behind which I was hiding.

"OH JODER!" Suddenly a deep voice screamed and I was met by a rather big boy. "Hi."

I mumbled, then got up and looked at him. "You?"

He then asked, removing his hood, brown curly hair falling out from under his hood.

Now did I see who it was.

I think his name was Arón or something, but I didnt talk to him and his friends.

He was known as the most popular boy at school ...

I had never really talked to him before, but I guess he was just as I imagined him: conceited and confident in himself.

„What are you doing here?" He asked confused, looking at me. "I better ask you. What were you looking for?"

I asked back and tried to push past him, but he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back.

„Seriously. Why are you here? I thought you were that shy cute girl that would never break into the arts room."

Cute ?! Did he just say that?

"Uhm what?" I asked confused, looking into his beautiful hazel eyes... what am I saying here?

„Forget it." I said then and pulled away from him. "Wait!" Arón answered and walked up to me.

"Why?" I asked him and turned around again.

„GO!" He finally shouted and grabbed my arm to pull me back on the shelf. "Shh!" he ordered and looked at me.

"What the ..." He pressed his unbelievably big hand over my mouth and I looked at him in total confusion. "Shh!"

he said again and squeezed harder.

Suddenly the door opened and I heard the female voice of our English teacher. "Is someone here?" I looked at Arón and he shook his head.

"Okay ..." the teacher murmured and closed the door again.

Then I heard her lock the door and finally only footsteps that were farther and farther away. ,Shit!' I thought, waiting for Arón to finally remove his hand.

So he did, sprinted to the door and pressed down the handle just to see its locked.

„Stuck?" I asked anxiously and he nodded at me.

„Great!" I said sarcastically, as I had absolutely no desire to be stuck with him in a room.

„Fuck!" he cursed then and collapsed on a shelf. "And now?" I asked him and sat at the door, so I still had some distance to him.

"Call someone! I forgot my phone. " He finally ordered pointing to my cell phone, which I still held in my hand.

"I cant ... No battery because Mrs. Chambler took it this morning. It's been here since."

He sighed, ran his fingers through his curls, then leaned

his head against the shelf.

"So we're stuck till Monday!" I finally shouted and looked at him. Today was Friday and until Monday no one would come here anymore!

„FUCK!" Arón finally answered and jumped up.

Then he went to the window without reason, opened it and looked out.

„So you're gonna jump?" I finally laughed and stood up too.

„Maybe. It's not that high. I could jump and then come and get you out of here. "

He shrugged and leaned slightly out of the window to take a closer look at the altitude.

„You dumb?!" Outraged, I looked at him and finally pulled him back on the sweatshirt jacket. "What? There's just grass. It wouldnt hurt that much. And we're gonna die in here if we dont get out!" he replied and looked at me.

"No Arón!"

- "You know my name?" He asked confused, looking me in the eyes.

„Of course I do, everyone does." I mumbled, then turned around and exhaled deeply as I had sounded slightly rude.

„Huh ..." he finally answered, whereupon I turned around.

"Let me do that y / n. I'll be careful, I promise."

I shook my head again and then it blurted out:"No, I dont want you to get hurt."

He still looked at me, then started to smile and came a little closer.

„Why have not we hung out yet?" He asked quietly, stroking a strand of hair from my face.

„You're so pretty." He breathed and leaned down to me.

„Piper what the hell?" I stepped back and looked at him.

„You know what? Lets make a deal. If I get us out of here, I'll get a kiss. "He grinned and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Right ..." I mumbled and turned around again.

„But dont jump please." I whispered to him, whereupon I felt his hand on my hip and finally noticed how he was fumbling on my hair.

„What are you doing Piper?"

- "Trust me."

Then he went to the door, knelt down and somehow played around the lock.

Suddenly I heard a click and Arón yelled, "HELL YEAH!" He jumped up, opened the door with a grin and grinned at me.

„You're kidding right?" I laughed and walked up to him.

„You owe me a kiss."

I laughed awkwardly, but then nodded and looked at him.

"But how?" I remembered and he smiled.

„You. Your bobby pin. "

Then, without further ado, he pulled me by my hip with both hands and shortly afterwards I felt his lips on mine.

Although I have to admit. he was a good kisser. A damn good one!

„So? You want to go out with me someday? "

*********

[pbandjesse]

I just got it in my head to cut my hair. Not the length but all my layers had grown out and my ends felt fried. So that was fun. Today was incredibly busy but honestly just a really good day 

I slept okay enough. And I woke up a little before my alarm. I bothered James for a bit but I got up and made the bed and went to get ready. I felt pretty cute. And I was looking forward to my day. 

And I was totally right that Chris was going to throw me in a group so I had to stick up for myself. And I got exactly what I wanted. I was with a group all morning and working on prep and having that one class in the afternoon. Charlotte is wonderful and was okay with it and that made my life so much easier. 

The kids I had today were excellent. Could not have asked for a better group. I brought string and clay and looms over and they were so excited to learn. Most of the girls (and one of the boys) spent the whole morning making bracelets. 

They were such good listeners though and so easy to work with. We went to "the museum" which is a little library room in the lodge, to return books and help clean up, and to get a few other books. And then back to the art shed to hang in the hammocks and play with clay and work on bracelets. It was just so chill. 

We went up to horsemanship and we were a little early but that was alright. We hung out at one of the picnic tables and then one of the dachshund dogs, Baily, came over and after all the kids pet them one of the boys were like "Hands off!!! It's Ms Jesse's turn!" which I didnt even ask for but was so sweet.  So I sung the panda bear song to Baily and the kids thought it was so cute and then Baily wouldnt stop following me. Adorable. 

We headed out and said goodbye to the horses and took the secret trail back to the fort. We had lunch. I had them all eat at their own bunk and then we cleaned everything after. And since we had some time before the pool I was like. We will go hang in the hammocks some more. 

But then I got a call that some of the kids were getting picked up right then. Get them ready, get them outside. Weird. It was going to storm later but like. The sky was clear now, so this wasnt an early pick up. 

But they left and I took the remaining 5 to the art shed to chill until Charlotte came for them. Which is when Charlotte told me that all the kids that were in one counselor's group last week were going home because she was sick. My heart was racing. I had to go sit down. Apparently the health department says were good as long ad those kids left until results came back. But jeez. Alexi had a conversation with me later and it seems like its going to be okay. That its just a cold. But man. Its scary to think about. I am so worried about everything all the time and that was not good for my heart. 

The rest of the day was supposed to be prep. And it was but it was also just so busy!! I had the kids from yesterday come back and they continued to be very small and silly and sweet. They painted and enjoyed the hammocks and I worked on some prep. It was good. 

Once they left I got to work on my worry jar example. The material Heather got for me to do it seems to be perfect. I am excited to experiment with it more. But I wasnt sure how long it would take to dry so I decided to take it on a walk around camp. Show Heather. She was very excited and thought it looked super cute. 

I made a stop at the trading post and asked if some teens had free time they come help me sort out strings. And Olive was like. My teens!! They will help!! We have nothing to do!!

So I was like. Uncomfortable because I hate asking for help. But I sucked it up and they honestly were just wonderful. They were so super helpful. They were silly. They were there with me for a few hours and they made things look so neat and clean. Olive mostly dealt with embroidery floss, some of the girls did the yarn, one girl did the sewing box. The boys were given the task of smashing tiles for mosaics and they were having way to good of a time. It was so silly. But because they were all doing those things I could just work on setting up things for the next few days and next week. Amazing. 

I started getting a head ache though. The sky was getting dark and there was thunder. I think the pressure in the atmosphere was giving me a head ache. But I was in such a good mood with this group of kids. We somehow ended up talking about periods and abusive relationships and body piercings? They had good questions and I dont mind explaining things. They were sweet. 

Once they finished cleaning things up, they headed out. I was pretty tired. I hadnt taken a real break today. Busy busy busy. So I spent the next half hour just laying in the hammock. But then I felt guilty so I finished cleaning and went to the office. 

But soon it was time to leave. I had a head ache and I was worried about the rain. And the rain did hold off. Until about half way through my drive home. It came down hard. And people still dont seem to understand that I CANNOT SEE YOU if your lights are off!!! So it was slow going but I got through the rain and it was dry the rest of the way home. 

When I got back here James was out. He was getting us veggies for dinner and was home before I jumped in the shower. 

I felt a lot better once I was clean and in pjs. James made us a lovely pasta dinner. And I played animal crossing. Said goodbye to Keaton, our first campsite villager, who is finally moving away. I hope we get a good friend next. 

We have just been hanging out since then. I cut my hair. And now I am going to go get ready for bed. I hope we all sleep well tonight. I hope tomorrow is a wonderful day for you all. Goodnight my friends!!

[salemrising666]

my depression and health battle

DEPRESSION

IS A BATTLE THAT CAN BE WON

as I pull the petals of this beautiful flower I noticed I had reached the last petal as I muttered to myself im lucky and tore it away from its steam I noticed one small underdeveloped petal hanging on for dear life and I muttered im not lucky and with my bad luck streak in life I thought it was some kind of omen was this a sign that my bad luck streak would never end or was I bein stupid overthinking things yet again I guess we can only find out as I battle my demons.

I sat there for a few minutes trying to talk myself out of this sign that everything would be fine it had to be my luck had to turn at some point hadnt it?

When I was 15 I started having eye trouble and my thirst for sugar had increased dramatically my parents had noticed this more than I had and suggested I go see a eye specialist to sort my eye troubles out when we got there my parents mentioned the sugar intake and they tested my blood sugars which were off the charts high I had further blood tests to soon discover that I was a type one diabetic and because of all the sugar in my bloodstream had temporarily changed my eye shape hence the blurred vision,i was sent to a hospital for two weeks to earn the ins and outs of how to take care of myself with this new disease it was scary and so hard I had never had a phobia of needles but to learn that I would here on out have to stick a needle into my stomach with each meal snack and drink was scary and take my sugars before each meal which would mean also stabbing my fingers scared the hell out of me and I thought why me why now anda lot of damage had already been done as I could have been diabetic for wuite a while before they had found it

I was to face some debhilitating challenges almost dying and permenant damage that would change my life forever things I would have to learn to live with and adapt to such as permenant eye damage agonizing diabetic neuropathy the loss of my left small toe then a further amputation of the joint including multiple procedures like laser eye surgery eye injections eye surgery two amputations the removal of all my teeth due to gastro peresis stages where I couldnt stomach any food throwing it all up losing weight to where my organs were failing and me on my death bed and not knowing why I have neer given up in all these struggles even though I knew oh well eating will end up with me bent over the toilet for hours being labelled as having a eating disorder and trying to convince doctors no this is medical and something was wrong having a feeding tube forced down your throat becausee of these labels and watched while I showered and used the toilet was horrible being in hospital for three months fighting for my life as I never realised how important food was for your body till I was striken with gatsro peresis and not being able to consume it and practically starving to deathi thought this was it this would kill me as nobody could find what was wrong and trying to tell me I was doing this to myself on purpose I refused to leave myhouse as I was ashamed of how thin I was I got down to 31 kilos and there was nothing left of me I was stuck in mental health and was forced to talk to psychiatrists about my so called eating disorder as they tried to help me but how can you fix something that doesnt exist they finally realised months later after leaving the hospital that it was medical from all of the tests I was made to do im still battling these issues today truing to gain weight I have also lost a large portion of my eyesight due to diabetic neuropathy when the blood vessels overgrow and cause permenant damage and the obly way to stop th further damage is to have laser ee surgery to try stop the vessels from growing which worked for a while then I was told they were growing again

so the next step was to have multiple injections over months into the eye to try shrink them which I am still having today as they have flared up again I now have to wear glasses but I can never drive as my vision is that impaired.

Another thing I battle wth is diabetic neuropathy which Is where your nerves send misfired pain signals to your brain when nothing is actually wrong you feel shock like pains hot pins and needles aches and some feeling losswhich contributed to me losing my small left toe I had gotten a blister that I didnt know I had which turned into a foot ulcer got infected and ate its way down to my bones I then got na serious bone infection called ostemyelitis which eats away at your bones they tried a long course of iv antibiotics to get rid of it but it falled and the only way to stop me from losing my whole leg was to amputate the small toe I was terrified as I lay in hospital and the doctors came in to wheel me ito surgery next thing I knew I was waking back up in my ward and my foot was being unwrapped I was in shock seeing my little toe missing they put something called a vac seal on it which helped fill the giant hole I now had in my foot and healed it three times faster than without it because of my compromised immune system from the auto immune disease they think I have that hasnt been even named yet I struggled to heal fully allowing infection bac into the amputation site which meant round two but they were to tell me I was going to loose my whole leg and had two weeks until surgery so as I went home and tried to prepare one day post surgery checkin they told me we are just going to amputate the remaning joint I had a sigh of relief but it was still loosing more of my foot I have had a rough life health wise as there has always been something wrong I have had the worst luck possible so many long hospital trips and now being 27 I just want to be as healthy as possible and live the life I know I deserve after all this grief and I have learnt to appreciate even the smallest of things and especially all the people who never left me in all my struggles and mood swings I am forever grateful for them as I know I wouldnt be here without them although they tell me they understand what im going through they couldnt possibly but I hate that ive had to go through all this and more I hate more the people I love have had to watch me gp through this amd I am usually a happy bright bubbly person but I mean I have my bad days where im depressed and wished all these afflictions didnt plague me everyday and it is also hard as I cant just forget I have these things as they impair everything I do I cant just turn around and be like I dont feel like being type 1 diabetic for a day as I would face horrible repurccusions .

In all this hardship I know there is people suffering out there more than I am I just wish I didnt have to fight everyday with all of this and fight to keep my life I want to just live it and be happy and I know I will get there I will never give up no matter how bloody hard this is or will get but I just wnted to tell a small portion of what I have gone through in my life in the hopes it may inspire of help somebody suffering with anny of these issues and yes depression is a hard thing to overcome but there are always things to help I find art and writing in a journal helps and venting all it takes is that one special person to listen and have your back if anybody reading this wants to chat I will always lend a ear to you so dont be afraid I may look odd and be odd but I am friendly and have a massive heart thank you for reading.

[childofthenight2035]

shut up

please shut up. please. shut. up.

why is writing a hobby that is looked down on so much? i dont understand. like, this is something i am passionate about, okay? it’s something that has interested me since i learned how to read and write. it’s something that i’m good at, if i do say so myself. it’s something that has the power to bring me out of my depression and lack of motivation. for the last two weeks, i have been just rotting in my room, not bothering to clean up, not bothering to do my laundry, not bothering to even shower every day. i have been wearing this shirt all week. literally, i have been doing absolutely nothing. my mom drags me downstairs for checking if college applications are open yet and that’s just another thing stressing me.

but you know what?

today my best friend read my recent fics that i posted here and told me what she thought of them. and she really liked them. and you know what that did to me? that pushed me out of bed. i went outside for the first time in a week. i did a load of laundry. i started to clean my room. i am now four pages deep in a new fic that i started to write now, after a two-week dry spell. tomorrow we get our final results and im not scared anymore.

but do you know what i dont need to hear?

i dont need to hear my parents make comments as they pass by me sitting with my laptop about what im doing and what other things i could be doing in this time. i dont need to hear my aunts call me and ask me how applications are going and tell me to put aside the novels im writing to focus on entrance exam prep instead. as if its a joke. i can hear the mocking in their tone and i dont want to hear it okay?

if i tell people that im working on a book, they ll act all interested, but you know what? the writing i do outside fanbases is depressing shit, okay? they are poems that don’t make sense and paragraphs that would scare you. stuff that i dont have the guts to show my parents, forget getting them published. but the minute i tell people i write fanfiction, its worthless. its a joke.

i dont care what people think, but can you keep it to yourself? I dont want to hear it. it may be a joke to you. its not to me. this shit i write, so what if its about a singer? an actor? what does it matter? it keeps me away from my blades. its doing a lot more than you are. its making people feel things. and thats all i want. it may not bring me money or fame, but thats not why i write! thats not why anyone writes! and you science and tech minded people wouldnt understand. im not like that. i dont think like you. i think like the thousands of other dreamers on this website. and you dont understand us, but you dont deserve to.

how dare you prevent art? how dare you hide it away in a dark corner? how dare you contain the magic in our mortal bodies from escaping and bringing life to the world?

how dare you?

[darlingsdream]

My Story With Voltron and Season Seven Thoughts

So, this is the first time I’ll be posting something personal on here about my story with Voltron and how I feel about it. It’s going to be long, and yeah, trigger warning.

A year ago, I was in a very, very bad place mentally. I was learning a lot about who I was personally and dealing with a lot of losses and emotional baggage. As a very young child, I was very into the original Voltron. I loved that stuff, however, when I grew older I didn’t stick to it and didn’t hear about the new reboot of it. Last year, one of the biggest things I was dealing with was my sexuality. Hi, I’ve recognized I’m BISEXUAL! And I’m very proud! But, I found it very hard to accept that about myself last year, seeing as my family did not approve of that stuff. I always lost myself in LGBT members in TV shows because I felt like I could relate to the characters and they helped me get through my emotional stuff. I would hyperfocus on them to drown out the very, very bad stuff I was going through.

One day while scrolling through YouTube, I came across a Klance edit. I did not know what show they were from, and genuinely believed they were a cannon gay couple. I fell in love with them instantly and began watching more video of them on YouTube. After my spree, I looked it up and figured out they were from the new Voltron reboot! I was like, woah! A voltron reboot? A gay couple, in a child’s cartoon? I was DEAD SET IN LOVE with the show right off the bat. I watched all four seasons that were out at the time and yeah, realized Klance wasn’t a cannon ship. I fell in love with the plot, characters, ships, and fandom though.

Voltron gave me something to take my mind off how bad of a situation I was in. It gave me something to hyperfocus on and fall in love with. I’ve met so many nice and friendly people through the fandom, people that understand me! The fandom is so amazing with great content? Like, the fics? Amazing! Art? Stunning! I loved the VA’s immediately and even recognized them from shows I used to watch! I became so involved with Voltron and progressively found myself getting happier and happier as I met new people, found myself, found relatable content and happy spaces to put myself into. Long story short, Voltron saved me from a shit filled situation. I’ve loved Voltron so, so much.

For the past three seasons, I’ve stayed up just to watch them immediately. I’ve worked on many fan fictions and read AMAZING ones by BEAUTIFUL writers!

You could only imagine my SHOCK when I heard there would be LGBT rep! Something I personally struggle with, even now! I cried when I found out Shiro had a male fiancé when he was on Earth! It made me so, so happy!

So, here is where my issues start...

You can tell I’ve loved Voltron whole heartedly for a very long time. Yeah?

This season, season 7, hurt me in more ways than one. It was written poorly compared to the other seasons in my opinion. The episodes where a bit everywhere and the villains were out there! The time warps were confusing, and having twenty new characters thrown at you at once is confusing! Especially when the show is close to ending. Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of good things in this season! An amazing and well deserved Hunk arc, Lance’s strong and smart sister! The Paladins all being with their families! Shiro getting a new arm! Major Paladin and Lion bonding! Keith loves his mom!

But, there was just as much bad things as good things... I’ll start with the plot, so people won’t think I’m shitting on a show I’ve adored for MONTHS because “MY SHIP DIDNT BECOME CANNON”. Because that’s not it.

The plot was, for this season, confusing! The space stuff happening was weird. And, as someone who has an 8 YEAR OLD SISTER who watches this show, she was startled by the hostility Keith began showing the fellow Paladins during their “space madness”. The game show episode, while supposed to be a tension breaker, was useless in the long run and more of an aggravating spit run than anything else. Like, it was nice seeing Zarkon, Haggar, and Lotor! As a family! But odd, we never got an explanation as to how. Then we have everyone bashing on Lance, poor lance, for being an idiot, which he is not. As well, Voltron is captured TWICE this season... never had that happened and the way they always get out of the trouble seemed very OP.

Now, I’ll go into characters. Shiro: a supposed LGBT member, handicap, suffers from PTSD, and is of a different race, gets put through the RINGER in EVERY SEASON. They have done this character dirty, I’m not even going to lie. It’s not “character development” to throw your character around like that and kill it a hundred times but allow it to still live. Poor Shiro has barely had ANY good luck through out this show! Then, they go and say, he’s an LGBT character... They kill off his ex fiancé? They said there would be a major plot with Adam and Shiro, and I feel like they did both characters dirty. No, Adam’s death was far from heroic. It was a flash death, not even sudden, and people were left confused to it. I’m pretty sure they even referred to Adam as PERSON 1 in the subtitles. Shiro’s grieving of his old partner is so rushed too. We got an entire clip of Pidge sobbing her heart out over her brother, but see barely a flinch as Shiro looks at his ex fiancés grave. You wouldnt even be able to tell they used to be a couple if the producers didn’t say something. I’m sorry, but personally, I can’t count this as LGBT rep when it’s so concealed like this... it hurts, because they hyped the rep up so much and I was so excited, and then shit hit the fan.

Then there is Lance, who we were promised would get development. The only development for him has been on his crush for Allura and it’s painfully obvious. He is used as a joke. The other characters mistreat him... and it’s very hard to watch. This, as a kids show, just shows that it’s okay to be rude and make fun of other people. My younger sister even picked up on this and said the way Lance is treated by everyone, especially his sister, is bad! The whole gameshow episodes they kept calling the poor teen Dumb and Stupid. Like, jeez, that’s kind of damaging? They even showed that Lance has many insecurities and yet, they don’t go any further about it. He cries? No one comforts him. He’s worried? People shoot him down. He tries to help others? He gets yelled at that he can’t do things right or disregarded. It goes to show as a regular trope kids are taught today, it’s bad for boys to have emotions! It’s like it doesn’t even matter! It agitates me so much...

Then, Keith. Keith is my favorite character, he’s gotten SO MUCH development. More than anyone else... which, I kind of dislike.. but, his personality was totally screwed over this season! They changed him completely, and it’s sad to see! Sure, he grew up, but there is literally NOTHING left of his old character!

Now, I guess it’s time for the major controversial ship talk.... this, is a fucking WRECK. The producers of Voltron said that romance wasn’t going to be a big thing in the show. In my honest opinion, they shouldn’t have done ANY romance, no Adam and Shiro, no Allura and Lance, no nothing. They’ve gone about it all wrong, and it’s just disappointing and UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

I’ll start with Allurance. I, originally, liked Allurance. But now, it’s so over done, it’s so awkward, forced, and uncomfortable! The past six seasons, we’ve seen Lance have a meaningless crush on her. I don’t see what’s so great about her to him? He said she makes him want to be a better person, but, anyone on team Voltron makes him try harder, honestly! It just seems so stupid! And now, that lotor is out of the way, Allura all of a sudden shows interest in him? No build up? No back story? Just random blushing and caring? It sounds like a rebound! I mean, yes, I understand peoples feelings can change, but this? They’ve gone about it ALL WRONG! As well? They have said Allura doesn’t get an endgame, but Lance does? This makes no sense. They have also said for Lance’s endgame: he ends up with someone he NEEDS, not WANTS, the person he ends up chose him as a first choice! This doesn’t sound like Allura, yet, they keep pushing it on their interviews and it’s just awkward! This ISNT slowburn!!!!

Finally, Klance. Yeah, I’m upset... very upset actually. They make Lance like Allura violently and now Axca is randomly showing up and now Keith is HET? Yeah... I don’t get it. I don’t get why they made all those unnecessary Klance moments now. Bonding moment? Elevator scene? Comforting? The soft looks? The concern? The colors in the backgrounds? The built up from rivals to friends to co-leading? They were getting along so well, it was so nice! I really thought that they were the slowburn relationship the cast was so excited and quiet about! It seemed so right! But then, Keith left for the blade, and in the shipping panel they said Keith and Lance were soulmates and they wished they could have seen that earlier. I was hurt. Beyond hurt. When Keith came back, I was disappointed. They changed Keith’s personality so much... he was rude and snapping at Lance, I was like, woah? And then when Keith was rude to Allura and Lance told him he should have just stayed away? That hurt! During the game show when Lance and Keith picked each other to leave, I felt so happy! I was like, wow, they care so much for each other! Lance was so earnest with his response! He made such a soft expression and said Keith was like the future! But then Keith ruined the entire moment and said he just picked Lance because he didnt want to spend an eternity with him! Like, what? What happened to the Keith that hung onto their bonding moment? Why was he so snappy? I am so confused why they built up a nice friendship and then we get THAT from them! It seems so.. wrong now! I am hurt over it, like, genuinely. I don’t even care if they weren’t going to be in a relationship! They could have been AMAZING friends, but they ruined that! They made their friendship seem so toxic!

After this season, I’ve honestly lost my passion and fire for Voltron... I’m so disappointed and sad. Not just because of ships, but plot as well.

I also would like to say as a side note: it’s okay for people to watch a show just for ships. That’s their interest, let them do what they want and don’t attack them... we all have our personal reasons for stuff!!!

[sora-yume-zero]

Im reaaaaally sorry for the delay

I wanted to post this some weeks ago buuut i had told myself that I wouldnt post anything until my exams ~the exams that will decide my whoooole liiife ~~ Aaaand i just finished today so Jajaaang!

Soooo I got tagged by @himiko-kaze thank youuu~~ And since it happened by someone else before annnnd I didnt have the courage to do it and regretted it I decided not to commit the same mistake again...

I really had fun doing this hehe

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better.

Soooo~ I really really hope I'm not bothering you all.. umm if u have already been tagged or simply don't want to do it feel free to ignore me

@ermeline-grillbean (Hi agaiiin~~)

@tsukinoisbae @i7scenarios @miren-creations (I'm sorry I just really like your writings)

@straytrash (hello~) @depths-of-the-sea (thx again for last time)

2ND RULE: Bold the statements that are true!

APPEARANCE: I am 5'7 or taller (almost 😢😢)- I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo - I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (were)- I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people (too scared) - People tell me I am funny (closest only) - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least two people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else  - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority (maybe #3)- I do some form of Martial arts.

EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country (yup many~) - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts (alaaas😢)

MY LIFE: I have one person that I consider to be my best friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smartphone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RANDOM: I have break-danced (would like to though) - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week ( does playfully count ?)- I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages - I have made a new friend in the past year ( grear achievement for someone like me~)

[heyitslapis]

Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

[mollydollyjournals]

I'm supposed to go for dinner with my in laws tomorrow. Today, technically. Hb isnt even sure if he's going so I have to wait until hes decided. But I dont feel like I can go at all. It would be a really bad idea for me. I'm fucking tired. I'm worse than I've been in a long time. Again. I keep getting worse. Why the fuck would I be able to go play Good Wife in a situation that's anything but that.

And I just got a lot better with my art. That ADHD hyperfocus finally paid off somehow. In the past month I've learned way more with drawing than i have in years. I wanna draw. I wanna make comics. I wanna learn. It feels like growth and i dont want to go sit in a mansion pretending the sofa I'm sitting on isnt worth more money than my entire life. I'm not them. Nigga we ain't them.

If I stay up late enough I can tell hb I wont be able to wake up in time. Its likely anyway, and I already told him this. It's just the only thing of my issues that he seems to relate to. I think he can relate to more really, but he keeps playing the part. Kyriarchy is a hell of a drug.

I have therapy every Friday. Last session I mentioned that this dinner was coming up and I didnt want to go. My therapist said, 'then why not stay home?' and I felt like, you know...you're right. I know you're right. You know you're right. Insert Nirvana song. The correct option, really, is for me not to go. Even hb isnt really well enough to make the 3-4hr round trip for dinner.

But they are high achieving high functioning middle class rich white people and whether we care about that or not the fact remains that they own the house we live in. And that's capitalism, folks. That's why I havent left hb in all the times I've thought that might be better for us. That's why hb hasnt broken away from his parents in all his life. That's why his mother hasnt left his father even though shes literally even told her children she wants to. Its money. In some cases, cant handle leaving the middle class lifestyle behind. In my case, just need a secure place to live with vaguely reliable heating and internet. Regardless, fucking capitalism.

So I dont know what to do. They wouldnt understand that I finally got some kind of breakthrough with my art. Not unless i was going to make money out of it. My own mother barely understands that kind of thing. God theres so much i havent even written here.

I just dont want to go. It's not a good idea for me to go. It's a good idea for me to stay here and make my art and draw my comics and stay sober where I can and drink where I need to. Fuck I'm really glad I started with my therapist tbh. It really surprised me that a cishet white guy that isnt trying to fuck me might actually relate to me. My brain keeps spinning all kinds of bad outcomes for that. But for the time being at least, this is someone who thinks similarly to me, but is qualified as a therapist in a lot of ways that I need. And if he says 'addiction isnt the ideal but I'm really glad you got drunk instead of k1ll1ng yourself' and 'if you're that stressed about going, why do you have to go?' that's what was in my head to start with. That was exactly it. I could have game over'd and I definitely wanted to but I drank instead to just keep myself going. Until later. Until tomorrow if I can manage it. My increased sui// shit is from feeling like I'm being judged for that and cant get out of it, and if I cant continue as an alcoholic, and i cant continue without alcohol, then i guess i just cant continue. And fuck even a paid professional is such a rarity as someone who might tell me that yes, I should continue to exist, and yes, I am a good thing in the world, and yes, there is a way to realistically drink less, but yes, i should drink myself into oblivion if that helps me to continue to exist another day. And in deciding whether to go see my rich white upper middle class in laws, I should consider whether I actually want to do that or not and maybe just be selfish a bit in my decision.

But hb will give me shit if I don't. I was really hoping he'd cancel. He said he was probably going to. But he didnt confirm. He said hed confirm tomorrow, at a time that's fine for him but way too late for me. Really, we shouldn't go. Neither of us should. We only want to go to show up for his mother, who is a baby boomer who's been through a lot and tried her best to fill the role assigned to her. Otherwise we'd see the rest of his family at another time - not that we dont want to see then, we just dibt want to cancel.

And all of this is the same performative bullshit I grew up with. As a poor person attending a school full of rich kids. As a 2nd gen immigrant brown kid at a school full of white folks (where in the recent BLM movement that same school was called out for its racism). As a yet-undiagnosed autistic kid trying to look neurotypical while not even aware of the issue.

Its the same. Every time I have to go back there. Even hb got more vocal about judging me recently. Again. I'm too tired. I cant do it. I can work on my drawing, I cant do this middle class family Good Wife shit.

Its nearly 2:30am and that'll be my excuse. I wont be able to wake up in time. Hb will understand that. But he'll see it that I'm still awake because I stayed up drinking and smoking and whatever. Not that I'm doing those things because I'm anxious as shit. Or that actually I had a reasonable amount of wine with my mum today when I went to visit her for the first time in a really long time, along with two of the pets I brought home when I lived with her who are now elderly and one could drop dead any second, and I'm really an introvert, and if I'm going to go anywhere to socialise it has to be my mum. It has to.

I dont know if I'm overreacting, because at this point I'm going to have to tell hb that I wont be able to go and hes going to know that I drank and whatever and maybe he wont go off at me. But I am completely certain that there'll be some passive aggression going forth. And I hate this. And even this journal post, on my own private anonymous tumblr account, is taking up way too muc mental energy that I was previously putting into a drawing that I actually felt good about.

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[theday]

hello! as 2017 is ending nd 2018 is starting i thought i’d do a mutual appreciation post like many others are doing/have done because wtf i love my friends [dowoon voice] hey! and yes thats me down there bc hashtag love myself hashtag love yourself - big time rush, 2017 

heres some (hopefully) short sappy story lads,, so ive converted this blog 3 times from a 5sos one to an aes blog and now we’re here! ive had this as a kpop sideblog since the start of july and i never expected to make as many friends as i have now and it still wows me so much wtf... i love all of you im gonna throw myself off a cliff into a sea of love 

legend: ☆ - people i love a lot, ☾- the most important to me!, bolded for trusted mutual

short message to my moon people alright hopefully i dont write an essay

☾ @softshouyous: falen waht the fuck u know when u told me we were only friends for a whole year and a half i didnt believe it ;-/ i thought we were pals for longer thats just how close we are i guess ive done so many falen love essays so ill be repeating myself lmao youre one of my greatest friends on here and twitter and i just wanted to say thank you, for a few things!! first for staying strong and being here today!! second is for following (back?) on twitter which lead us to not Dying off u kno...,, third is for being someone i can rely on whenever i need to and talking to you makes me feel the safest bc i know.. i know u rly like being my friend ur my safe friend my special place i love u :D 

☾ @briwoon: hey boxy!!!!!!!!! i dont remember how we became friends but i have a lot to say to u why didnt u send a tree in dhhdh u dont have to bc ill be professing my love for u here b*thc ! dude ok i always say this bc im basically a broken record but thank you sososososoosososososososoosososo much for introducing me to day6 because damn without you i wouldnt be here and i dont know how id have managed to survive the rest of the year without them so really- thank you so damn much i love u the mostest :( i know u might be going through some tough times but please know that i am here for you (so is bell!) so feel free to talk to us anytime!! another thing, thank u for introducing me to mx as well you really brought happiness into my life bc of everything..! ur imapct my dude!!!!!! this all happened bc of you! this is happening bc of you and i just want you to know that youve given me a reason to smile everyday nd im hoping one day youll have a reason to smile daily too! im glad astro are helping you out too and that you like them :-( i love u 2 the moon and back! 

☾ @tokayhk: bell just 2 start off ill be saying no homo duhdjhdh just kidding i love u so much okay i know we havent even been buddies for that long but it feels like ive known u for more! !!!!! ur a friend i can rant to (and be extra shady with) and youve also helped me accept reality (thank u god) even tho i did hate u for like 1 minute but im over that please dm me any time to tell me 2 wake the fuk up bc sometimes i need it ;-/ despite being a youngin youre super mature which led me to think u were like 18 but thats clearly not the case jdjs its okie though ur doing amazing for a [redacted] year old!!!!! please i love ur humor so much and every time u say ur not funny i wanna punhc u but with love bc ur the funniest person i know :-( u always make us (the hq) laugh and pleas its amazing ur presence in the gc rly brightens the whole place up i love u also ur impact ive been using the phrases u say a lot more often now i shld start crediting u in the tags or smth (c) bell ! also! im glad u got into astro bc before boxy u were the only person id be yelling to on twitter about astro im glad u like them too wtf ! i love u so much and thank u for being my friend and being born :-0 i already told u like a few lines back but u rly are funnie and also ur art i mcdie every time huhuuhu i miss ur streams but idk when im free ;-( ur streams rly made my day we became friends through that and the gc is thriving its been a good year ! 

ill stop there bc this post would get super long if i didnt now on 2 my buddies!! (?? how many alphabets are there)

A-L:

@astrofireworks / @briwoon ☆ / @ckyun / @chaekkung ☆ / @cinnamoonbunbin ☆ / @dalkkong ☆ / @eggkyun / @eunrocky / @gothhyungwon ☆ / @heybinnie / @hokidan / @hyyh-pt2 / @ikyh / @imchangkyute / @ilovedowoon / @jianhyuk / @jinwooes / @jooheun ☆ / @kihyunswife ☆ / @kimkyungsoos / @kiwirn / @leedongmlns ☆ / @ljh-94 

M-guys i cant do the fucking hashtag what the fuck pretend its there:

@m1nhyuk ☆ / @minhyukt ☆ / @mxgoth / @myunghjun / @mxrays / @minhyukwithagun ☆ / @monbeebs ☆ / @morningcallz / @nubebe ☆ / @oikawayylmao / @parkminhyuksegg / @softki​ / @softshouyous​ ☆ / @space-triangles​ / @smileyrocky​ / @tokayhk​ ☆ / @vmxns​ / @whonpil​ / @warmhyungwon / @04yeol / @1showho ☆ / @15hyungwon / @94honeyluv 

if you werent added in here (aka my dumbass forgot) just like this post and ill add u immediately!!! also dont worry if you werent bolded/starred i love everyone!!!!!! all of you have made my 2017 a little bit better and brighter and i hope we’ll be able to stay friends/mutuals in the next year as well 

feel free to unfollow/break the mutual anytime though!! :D your dash should be filled with things you want to see/love! this should be posted at 12am my time so happy new year (eve, for most) i hope everyone has a good day/night! thank you once again for making my year better ♡

i neevr shut up but another thing,, good job to everyone for managing to make it through another year!! im proud of everyone okie i love u guys :_) oh ya god can i shut up but shout out to my secret santas!!! miss cryptic if ur out there thank u for being an awesome ss i hope ur doing well !! 

[pop-shocks-remade]

Personal

1- How are you? okay

2- Post a picture of yourself. no

3- Do you ever wish you were someone else? all the time babey

4- What is your entire name? ...

5- How old are you? ...

6- Age you get mistaken for: i get mistaken for the 10-15 range

7- Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality: canerr yes

8- What did you do on your last birthday? minions (9from despicable me))

9- What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday? be more chill

10- What is your hair color? dark brown

11- Have you ever dyed your hair? when i was like 6

12- What is your eye color? greenish blue

13- If you could change your eye color, would you? no

14- Do you wear contacts/glasses? yeah

15- Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it: i dont like it

16- Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body? no

17- Say 8 facts about your body:short,incredibly thin,ugly, bad teeth, long hair,small hands,idrk what else

18- Do you have any tattoos?no

19- Do you have any piercings?no

20- Left or right handed?rgiht

21- What’s your sexual orientation? pan and maybe ace idrk

22- Do you drink? no

23- Do you smoke? no 

24- Do you have any pets? yeah

25- Where do you work? i dont have a job

26- Something you are working on right now: PETA post

27- Do you have any “rules” about food? no

28- Where are you from? NEW YORK BABEY

29- What would you say is your best quality? people think im kind

30- What do you think you’re really good at? being depressed

31- What do you think you’re really bad at?everything really

32- What talent do you wish you’d been born with? art

33- Are you a bad person? yeah

34- Are you nice to everyone? i try to be

35- Say 3 facts about your personality: sad,lonely,angry

36- Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? no

37- What is your ideal bed? Why? soft. comfy!!

38- Did you wake up cranky? no

39- Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? no

40- What do you think about the most? killing myself

41- Share 2 habits: crying, tapping my hands on my computer to music

42- What you want to be when you “get older”? i dont see myself “getting older”

43- What are your career goals? none

44- What is your ideal career? musician or artist, or FBI or NASA

45- Is your life anything like it was two years ago? no

46- Do you replay things that have happened in your head? yeah :(

47- Have you ever had an imaginary friend? im lonely so i rant to fake versions of my friends so maybe

48- Say 10 facts about your room: dirty, swords and blankets all over, i sleep on the floor,i have a garbage can for sprite exclusivley, boxes all over. idrk what else

49- Do you have any phobias? i dont say my fears

50- Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? no

51- Are you allergic to anything? If so, what? no

52- Ever broken any bones? no

53- Ever come close to death? all the time babey

54- Things you like and dislike about yourself: nothing, everything

55- A random fact about yourself: i find it strange people like me

56- What are three things most people don’t know about you? sexual orientation, mental state, my likes

57- An unknown fact about your life: im not comfortable sharing the only one i can think of

58- Share something about yourself others might think is weird: im a loner

59- Five weird things that you like: idrk

60- Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this? no

61- Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? no i dont have one

62- Describe yourself in one word/sentence:im not good at these

63- A quote you try to live by: i tell myself not to be like my past self

64- Leave me a compliment: youre probaly nice

Favorites

65- What is your favorite thing to do? talk to friends

66- What’s your favorite color? prurple

67- What’s your favorite band/singer? gorrilaz

68- What’s your favorite movie? good burger

69- What are your favorite books? the last wild series

70- What is your favorite quote and why? none

71- What is your favorite word? none

72- What is your least favorite word? none

73- What is your favorite type of food? spaghetti

74- Your favorite ice cream? vanilla

75- What’s your favorite animal? axolotl

76- Dogs or cats? both

77- Describe your favourite texture: ??

78- What is your favorite flower? none

79- What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex? anything good

80- What is your favorite season? spring or winter

81- What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? italy,france,new orleans,canada,australia

82- What are four things you can’t live without and why? idrk

83- Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? idk

84- What’s your favorite television show? steven universe

85- Favorite place to shop at? i dont buy stuff

86- Say 2 facts about your favorite things: i use it to talk to my friends and listen to music Family, childhood and places

i cant really answer most of these so instead of blanking it i just delted it

Friends

101- Would you ever smile at a stranger? yeah

102- Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? both??

103- Who is someone you never tire of? nobody really, i love everyone but i need breaks

104- Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? no

105- Who is your most loyal friend? idk

106- Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? no

107- If your best friend died, what would you do? be more sad

108- A reason you’ve lied to a friend: didnt wanna hurt the,

109- Have you ever felt replaced? all the time babey

110- Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s):dont have one

Relationships

cant answer most of these, ask them if you really wanna know ((same goes for childhood and family))

Music, movies and books

175- How often do you listen to music? all the time babey

176- What kind of music you like? chill rock music

177- Do you like to dance? alone yes

178- What was the first concert/show you attended? none

179- Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? no

180- Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past: ...

181- A song that’s been stuck in your head: Room Where it Happens

182- Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:...

183- A book you want to read/have recently read: The Maze Runner

184- Describe your dream library: good books, lots.

185- Last movie you just watched: captain underpants :(

186- Do you like watching what type of movies? horror Situations and crazy things

187- You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done? arm maybe?

189- What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for? weed

190- If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be? dave or karkat

191- You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?split it to my friends or the poor

192- If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? undo everything past me did

193- If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why? sodium or tellerium, its in the name 

194- If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2016

195- You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy? idk

196- If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like? ill disclose a fear: amusment parks, i wouldnt design a ride dawg

197- What is the first curse word that comes to mind? is that a thing that happens to people

198- What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be… my birthday, probaly my birthday

199- Halloween costume idea? idk

200- What are you supposed to be doing right now? nothin really dawg

201- Currently wanting to see anyone? yeah

202- Why you follow me? i dont 

203- If you met me what would you do? have a panic attack

204- Leave me a ridiculous question: no

205- Leave me a cute message: you hot dawg Opinions and beliefs

206- Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now? its typically always empty

207- Do you believe in fate/destiny? no

208- What you wish for on 11:11? to be happy

209- Do you consider yourself lucky? What’s your good luck charm? no, none

210- Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? YESYESYES

211- What is your religion, if any? i dont disclose this

212- Would you go against your moral code for money? no

213- What’s more important to you: strength of the body or strength of the mind? mind

214- How important you think education is? p important dawg

215- If you were the president, what would you do? alot homie

216- If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?  stop unreasonable hate

217- Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial? the thought i guess

218- If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? the same as everyday be sad and liosten to musoc

219- Which movie character do you most identify with and why?i dont watch movies

Feelings and Others

220- Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? procrastinator

221- Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance: ill just desricbe it: my friend told me someone i wanted to be friend with wanted to be friends with me

222- Say 5 things you love unconditionally: music, HS, my good friends, musicals, art

223- What motivates you in life? people would be upset at me if i killed myself

224- Something that you’re proud of: halexander and roxy fullmetal homestuck follow me

225- Five words/phrases that make you laugh: none

226- Share the story of something that makes you smile: me befrending you guys!!

227- Something you always think “what if…” about: i was dead

228- What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that? my friendships, i learned they were bad people

229- Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life:every experience is an awkward one

230- Something/someone that you miss:my friends kennedy and ellie

231- Are you over your past? no i still hate it and wanna die because of it

232- What is your saddest memory? all of mine are sad IMO

233- One of the hardest moments in your life: i dont wanan share this

234- Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? everything.

235- What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about? tell people i like anime

236- What was your most embarrassing moment? i had a breakdown in math class

237- Share one of your fears/insecurities: no

238- Something you’re currently worrying about: what if my good friends dont like me

239- Have you done something you regret very much? i cant elaborate this enough everythign i regret

240- If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be? EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING

241- Does anyone hate you? alot of people i assume

242- Do you hate anyone? yeah

243- Are you good at hiding your feelings? yeah

244- What’s something you hide about your personality? sad

245- How do you approach social situations? anxious

246- Are you a social or an antisocial person? antisocial

247- Are you an introvert or an extrovert?introvert

248- Do you care if people talk badly about you? yeah

249- How do you deal with criticism? accept it

250- How you hope your future will be like? dead or not dead and happy

251- What’s something that scares you about the future? ill learn the people i know dont like me

252- Five intems you lust after:what

253- One thing you’re excited for: talking to my friend

254- Describe the most terrifying/strangest/beautiful dream you’ve ever had: i dont remember dreams

255- Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? no

256- Who is your celebrity crush? no 

257- Make a confession: ive almost killed somebody

[a-lack-of-concern]

Half Adult

Okay so a bit about me: I'm a senior in high school and I work in retail. From 8 to 1030 I take college courses, then I drive to my high school and take those classes from 11 to 230. I have work from 5 to 930. I haven't been posting on here, but ive been saving stories SO WATCH OUT. But anyway, I consider myself a mature person. As I am nearly of age, I already know financing and taxes and scheduling well enough to not fail out of my senior year. In my college building and at home, I am treated like an adult, so it's quite a shock to me to be treated as a child by my high school officials.

For example, I plan to major in art and design, photography specifically. I enrolled in a class entitled "Floral Design", and was dismayed to discover that this course isnt a design course. Floral Design is an FFA course, and would do nothing but put me behind in design. Realizing this, I went to the senior councelor to request a class change into independent art or something similar. The first time I was told my request was not important enough to be considered, and to come back in second semester. I returned today and was told;

"There's no where we can put you, sweetie, you knew what you were going into when you signed up for your courses."

My school does not provide us with course descriptions and no teacher I asked seemed to be able to tell me what Floral Design was when I asked. She also dismissed me by saying that there are no openings for another student when I'm fact, independent art and computer sciences are both hurting for 6th block students. The conversation persisted and I got the feeling she would only listen if an adult (my parent or a teacher) were to talk to her.

This brings me to the point of this large scale rant: although I'm not of age, I deserve to be treated in a deserving way of how I act. If I act professionally and mature, then I expect to be treated in a professional and mature matter. There wouldnt be a problem if I walked in and said "this class is stupid switch me out of it".