#I SOMETIMES WISH THAT I'D NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL
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sansaorgana · 2 days ago
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— SOMEPLACE BETTER (III)
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PART ONE || PART TWO
PAIRING — Sauron x fem!human(?)!Reader
SUMMARY — Lady Galadriel keeps convincing Halbrand and his wife to change their minds and go back to Middle-earth but Sauron is starting to realise that this new life might be his chance to start all over and redeem himself.
AUTHOR’S NOTE — As I warned, in this part Sauron is very ooc but I'm a sucker for happy endings... I couldn't picture it any other way with a mortal Reader tbh... 🤷🏻‍♀️ Although, whether she is really a human or not – I let you decide and interpret it whatever way you wish! 😉💝 The song The Reader sings in this part is called Lonesome Road and I know it from Joan Baez but I changed the lyrics a little so they could fit the fantasy world better.
WORD COUNT — 4,570
ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.
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SOMEPLACE BETTER (III)
Even though he thought Halbrand's wife had given up on him already, it seemed to be quite otherwise. The guards came to Sauron in the early morning to tell him that he was free to go under a condition to never start any fight on the streets of Númenor ever again. Next time, the Queen Regent would not be so merciful. And now, she would even give him a chance to prove his worth and earn the guild crest.
Apparently, (Y/N) had spent nearly the whole night begging and pleading after getting an audience.
Free to go anywhere he wanted to, he simply decided to walk back to his new home and wait there for Lady Galadriel to show up with the next idea or opportunity.
It was not going according to his plan – (Y/N) had made sure of it. But it was still going well enough and that was what mattered the most.
As he was approaching the house, he heard a familiar voice singing a song as the sound travelled through the open windows and out into the streets. The voice perhaps was not the most talented but it was not awful either and he found it oddly soothing to listen to.
Slowly and quietly, Sauron walked inside the house and leaned on the wall with crossed arms as he watched (Y/N) with a smirk. She had her back turned on him and had no idea he was there as she busied herself with brushing her hair in front of a small mirror and preparing to go to her new work.
And while doing so, she was singing. Sauron listened with curiosity because he had missed many new songs in the time when he had been regaining his strength to go back to the world of living.
And he had never been familiar with the songs of common people anyway.
“They say all good friends must part sometime. Why not you and I, my Lord? Why not you and I?” (Y/N) sang softly. “Oh, I wish to the gods that I'd never been born or died when I was a baby, my Lord… Or died when I was a baby,” she added and Sauron swallowed a lump in his throat.
He had no idea he would be able to see himself in a song written by commoners and yet, he sometimes wondered himself why the Valar had created him. And he often wished they had not. It would save him pain and suffering that he was not able to speak of.
“Oh, I wish to the gods that I'd never seen your face, heard your lyin' tongue, my Lord… Heard your lyin' tongue,” (Y/N) kept going with the song as she put some rouge upon her cheeks. “You better look up and down that long, lonesome road where all of your friends have gone, my Lord, and you and I must go…” she continued humming and then she jumped up at the sight of him standing behind her with crossed arms. “Oi, Hal, I haven't seen ye. Forgive me, I know ye don't like it when I sing,” she got nervous in an instant.
“I don't?” Sauron raised an eyebrow, surprised.
“Ye always say it's givin' ye headaches,” (Y/N) rolled her eyes with a sigh. “Anyhow, I'm off to work now,” she informed him with a sweet smile and approached him to place a kiss upon his cheek.
He let her but when she wanted to move away, he grabbed her wrists to keep her in place and she raised an eyebrow at him.
“What have you done to free me, love?” He asked in a whisper.
“I begged and pleaded for ye, Hal,” she answered. “Told the good Queen ye're naught but a man who wants to work, with a pride that's hurt. I promised ye wouldn't get in trouble again. An' ye better not.” (Y/N)'s eyes filled with pain as if she knew already he would break the promise.
Because Halbrand most likely had broken such promises many times before and Sauron had planned that, too. But now, looking deep into her eyes, he suddenly wanted to change his mind. He did not want to be like Halbrand – he wanted to be a better version of him.
“I don't deserve you,” he admitted and caressed her cheek gently.
“Start, then,” she challenged him with a cracked smile and patted his chest before going out of the house.
And even though Sauron was tempted to stay inside and wait for Lady Galadriel to show up, he walked out as well and went to the forge nearby where he was supposed to start his own training to be able to earn the guild crest.
Humiliating it was and very humbling for the disciple of Aulë to be reduced to the role of a common smith's errand boy.
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When Sauron was coming back from work, it was getting dark already. He was walking slowly down the steps and whistling the very same song he had heard earlier that day – the one Halbrand's wife had been singing.
In his hands he was carrying a few coins he had earned on that day and he was playing with them by tossing them in the air and catching them swiftly right after. As he approached the harbour, he spotted (Y/N) standing by one of the wooden tables and selling the goods to the people standing in the queue.
He wondered why she was left alone by the stand but assumed the woman working with her was having a break. And the closer to the market he was getting, the more he could see how stressed Halbrand's wife seemed to be.
“You useless woman, you can't even count properly, can you?!” Sauron heard some man's harsh words due to the fact his hearing was much better than if he was truly human.
“I-I'm sorry, I'm still learnin'. How much do I owe ye, then?” (Y/N) was trying to sound nice.
“You're good for nothing, stupid wench,” the man spat out. “Where is Bellona?”
“She had to leave earlier today. Please, it is no big deal. Let me just give you back the money and–”
“You should go back to Middle-earth where low women like you belong,” the man interrupted her.
Sauron didn't think much in that moment as the primal instincts took over him. He hid his coins away and hurried to (Y/N)'s stand as he grabbed the rude man by his tunic and turned him around.
“Are you bothering my wife?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Hal!” (Y/N) squealed, looking nervously at the guards that were already coming their way after sensing trouble. “Let go of him, I beg ye! Ye promised me ye wouldn't–”
“Oh, but it's different, is it not? This man deserves it,” Sauron hissed out and when he was sure that (Y/N) kept glancing at the guards, he allowed his eyes to transform into two snake-like orbs that visibly terrified the rude man.
Sauron let go of his tunic the moment he heard the guards standing behind him and the man hurried away as quickly as possible.
“It's nothin', it's nothin'!” (Y/N) exclaimed at the guards. “I'm closin' for the day! Please, let us go.”
The men looked at each other but since the other man had run away and did not file any complaint, they just shrugged their arms and walked away alongside the rest of the people waiting in the queue.
“Ye promised!” (Y/N) gave Sauron a very scolding look as she busied herself with tidying up the stand and collecting the money.
“If you think I am going to let some bastard treat you this way, love, then you are mistaken. If I must rot in that cell for a lifetime, then I shall,” Sauron shrugged his arms and Halbrand's wife looked at him as if he had just said something crazy.
“Since when are ye so gifted with words, Hal?” She chuckled and shook her head. “Anyhow, in that cell, ye won't be 'round to protect me. Foolish, it'd be, but ye've never been the brightest, have ye?” she pointed out and Sauron gritted his teeth with an eye roll.
She kept blabbering to him about her day while they walked back to their house and even though it was a short road, it felt like forever due to her talking. However, Sauron was very surprised at the sight of Lady Galadriel sitting by the table when they entered the house.
He had been waiting for her to come and now he was shocked, nearly startled. As if he had forgotten already about his scheme.
“Oi!” (Y/N) put her hands on her hips. “Is it not illegal to sneak up on folk like that inside their own homes, Elf?!” She asked. “When'll ye leave us be, huh?”
“The Queen Regent agreed to gather the army. They will seek for the volunteers,” Galadriel announced. “People of Númenor might not need you, Halbrand, but when we arrive in The Southlands, a strong leader will be needed. Someone to unite and show the way.”
“Someone to lie, ye say,” (Y/N) rolled her eyes and finally closed the door behind her. “But go on, Elf, keep talkin'. I'm sure my husband'll agree sooner or later. Vain as he is, always has been,” she sighed as if she was defeated.
Sauron felt an odd tug inside his heart at those words. Even though going with Galadriel to Middle-earth and continuing his plan while leaving annoying (Y/N) behind would be an ideal outcome… He felt challenged now to refuse Galadriel just to show (Y/N) that he could do better than that.
“I have already told the Queen Regent who you most likely are,” Galadriel insisted, ignoring Halbrand's wife and looking deep into his eyes.
“You must be desperate,” he pointed out with a smirk and watched his angry wife unpacking the groceries from her wicker basket on the kitchen counter.
“Of course I am. And you should be, too. It is about your home. Why do you give up on it so easily?” Galadriel wondered out loud.
“It gave up on us long before we ever gave up on it,” (Y/N) turned around to answer her.
“This land was your place in Middle-earth. It was giving you vegetables to eat, grass to feed your animals with, clean water from the rivers…” Lady Galadriel pointed out.
“And what do ye know about it, grand Elf?” (Y/N) rolled her eyes at that. “It ain't easy work growin' yer vegetables an' keepin' yer animals alive. One bad winter's all it takes to take away yer loved ones, yer cows, horses, an' chickens. I've no love for that land,” she stated, harshly.
“You can change the fate of people who suffer like you have suffered…” Galadriel's voice softened. “As their Queen,” she tempted and Sauron raised an eyebrow, surprised to see how dirty she could play.
Nearly as dirty as him.
“Me? A Queen?” (Y/N) laughed at that. “I can't even read!” She only said and turned around again to deal with the groceries.
“Halbrand, please. They need you,” Galadriel stood up and put her hand on his shoulder before lowering her voice. “I need you,” she added and looked down before leaving the house quietly.
Long silence occurred between Sauron and Halbrand's wife.
“Go with her,” (Y/N) muttered.
“What?” Sauron looked at her, surprised. She turned around to lay her wet eyes on him.
“I know ye want to. Just go, claim the title that's not yours, go on. But don't be stupid enough to think she'd ever want ye the way ye want her. Please, husband, don't embarrass yerself by thinkin' she'd want a filthy, ragged commoner,” (Y/N) whispered but in her voice there was no malice – it was pure worry and concern. Love.
“I'm not that stupid,” Sauron approached her with hesitance and put his hands on her arms to comfort her. “I know you're the only woman who is crazy enough to love me.”
“But is that enough to make ye stay?” She asked and her lower lip trembled.
He did not answer but he pulled her close to his chest to wrap his arms around her and kiss the top of her head.
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Sauron was laying awake all night long as usual, caressing the back of Halbrand's wife and staring at the ceiling. He knew they would gather the volunteers on the next day and he still was not sure what to do.
The path he had chosen for himself was not so certain anymore. He truly did not mind the life he had here in Númenor and even (Y/N)'s presence was becoming less and less annoying to him. In fact – even though she had no idea who he truly was – it felt oddly nice to be loved and taken care of. As simple as that.
He extended his hand to the nightstand and brushed the pendant laying there with his fingertips as he remembered the very first conversation he had had with the heraldry's original owner – Diarmid.
“A sure path may crumble, but there's always another. Often, it can lead us someplace better. Someplace good. They say there's a place across the sea, a man can escape himself. Find another path. Perhaps another life.”
What if it was a second chance for him? Not for Sauron, but for the real him – Mairon…? What if it was his chance to get redeemed? To be at peace finally as if all the suffering Morgoth had put him through had never taken place?
(Y/N) shifted slightly in his arms and he looked down at her face that was now lit up by the first rays of the rising sun getting through the window. At that moment, that common and simple woman looked like the most beautiful creature in the whole world to him. And she certainly felt like peace.
“Is it time to wake up now, love?” She mumbled out, sleepily.
“No, love, not yet. I will tell you when,” he assured her.
“Good,” she smiled and nuzzled her face deeper into him.
“(Y/N)?” Sauron swallowed a lump in his throat as he fidgeted with the pendant between his fingers.
“Hm?”
“What if I told you I was not your husband?” He tried to make it sound light-hearted as if he was jesting. “That I'm a spirit that took over his body at that time when he was away while the village was being attacked?” He looked down at her, nervously.
“Ye're crazy, Hal,” she chuckled and opened her eyes lazily. Then, she tilted her head and reached her hand up to caress his hair. “But, mayhaps, I'd believe that, ye know? 'Cause ye've changed a lot since then,” she admitted and hesitated for a moment as she bit on her lower lip. “It doesn't matter, love. I love ye the way ye are now – more than I've ever loved ye, even though I didn't think it was possible,” she confessed and Sauron felt his heart swelling inside his chest as he leaned down to join their lips together in a loving kiss.
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As he watched the ships sail away on that day, Sauron couldn't believe that he was simply letting them go. He saw Lady Galadriel standing in her shining armour, holding her sword. She was still glancing at him as if she expected him to jump into the waters and join them no matter what.
He wondered why she was so drawn to him, even after (Y/N)'s big mouth had made it clear that he was not any forgotten king. Could Galadriel feel who he was, deep inside?
But who was he? He was not sure anymore.
So, he looked away and went back on the road that would lead him to the forge where he worked these days. He was told he would get his guild crest very soon because they were in awe of his extraordinary talents.
Not only talent was his quality, though. It was also how much he was able to work at once and without breaks. At least it had been this way until recently.
It was the first time ever when he felt… tired. In the simplest and most common way, he felt exhausted and his stomach seemed to demand to have a meal. He nearly fainted at the end of his shift and when he dragged his feet back home, he was yawning. Surely, it would worry him under any other circumstances but now he was simply too tired to overthink what could have caused it. Was it some sort of a curse put on him by angry Lady Galadriel?
“Halbrand!” (Y/N)'s worried tone brought him back to reality when he entered the house.
She hurried to him and cupped his cheeks with widened eyes.
“Love, ye're so pale, an' the bags under yer eyes… What happened?!”
“Nothing happened,” Sauron shrugged his arms. “I'm just tired, that's it. I nearly fainted,” he admitted and sat down on the chair, sighing out of relief to finally be able to rest a little.
“Well, that's no wonder! Ye've been eatin' half meals for weeks now!” Halbrand's wife pointed out in a scolding manner. “We're not starvin' anymore, Hal, ye don't have to keep givin' me yer portions!” She exclaimed and approached the stove to pour him a bowl full of soup. “Here, eat,” she ordered as she placed it in front of him.
And, for some reason, Sauron ate all of it in a blink of an eye. He even asked for one more portion as Halbrand's wife gave it to him gladly but not without more of her whining about him being irresponsible. Then he asked for another and after three bowls of her soup, he finally felt better.
His stomach was no longer hurting at least, but he was still sleepy.
“Go, take some rest, love,” (Y/N) shook her head. “Ye don't sleep enough, don't eat enough. At least ye're not drinkin' and gamblin' anymore, but ye can't go on like this. Do ye want to die before forty, Hal? I ain't lettin' that happen!” She continued with her usual whining and he rolled his eyes.
“How can I rest when you keep your mouth open?!” Sauron asked and she huffed but she went silent and left him alone in the bedroom as she went back to the kitchen to clean the bowl after his soup.
It was the very first time when Sauron fell asleep not out of boredom or the need of dissociation but out of exhaustion.
And when he opened his eyes again, it was the next morning already and (Y/N) was shaking him to wake him up.
“Halbrand! Ye're gonna be late for work!” She exclaimed.
“But… I'm still tired…” He mumbled out, not understanding what was happening to him.
“Like all of us working folk each mornin'!” (Y/N) laughed. “Come on, I'm not lettin' ye out without breakfast, go to the kitchen,” she hurried him and he rubbed his eyes before nodding at her.
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Sauron began to suspect that he was turning into a human for some time now but it took an unusual revelation to convince him that it was truly happening indeed.
(Y/N) was grinning widely on that day when he came back home and she welcomed him by throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him all over his face as he tried to give back some of the kisses. When she finally stopped, she fixed his brand new guild crest and batted her eyelashes while looking up to stare into his eyes.
“What is it?” He asked.
“I think I'm expectin', Hal,” she told him, excitedly. “I wasn't sure but my friends at work said those are the very symptoms!” She added happily and he froze as he blinked slowly a few times, trying to process the new information.
“That is… Impossible,” he furrowed his brows.
“I used to think so, too. Married for so long with no babe of our own but I was wishin' and hopin' and here we are!” She clapped her hands like an excited child. “Perhaps it was that damned Middle-earth not being good for us, Hal, but here we can!”
Sauron took a deep breath in. She didn't understand – it was not about being fertile or not. It was about the fact he was a Maia and there was no possibility of him putting a baby in her without doing it with his own free will.
Unless…
“You're not sleeping around, are you?” He asked before he could think about the rubbish leaving his mouth.
(Y/N) froze at his words and her smile turned into a frown. She approached him at this very moment and slapped his face. Hard. He could feel it like any mortal would now and he admitted it truly hurt.
“How dare ye, Halbrand?! Ye wretched bastard! Even if ye meant to jest, that was uncalled for!” She raised her voice as he rubbed his cheek and winced out of pain.
“I'm sorry, love, I haven't thought before speaking. I just can't believe it…” He tried to excuse himself. “Please, forgive me.”
Her face didn't look so angry anymore but she didn't say anything and turned around without a word to walk away.
In fact, she didn't say a word to him for the rest of the day and only at night when she was deep asleep, he dared to touch her abdomen slightly with his hand.
He wasn't able to feel any presence there but these days he couldn't feel anything, to be honest. He couldn't hear nor see as much either. He was losing his abilities as time was passing.
Sauron kept his hand there, on the belly of Halbrand's wife, and he sighed. It was happening, whether he liked it or not. And he was not even sure anymore if he wanted it or not.
As he got lost in the train of thought, he realised that he had been caressing (Y/N) abdomen all that time without thinking. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled gently at him.
“Hal, ye son of a bitch,” she shook her head and giggled as she took his hand carefully and brought it to her lips to place a few small and sweet kisses upon his knuckles. “I swear, ye're gonna be the death of me.”
“And you are going to be the death of me,” he chuckled and leaned in to peck her lips.
She was going to be. Literally.
This body would start growing old normally now and, eventually, he would pass away like every mortal. But maybe he would do that laying in a bed, holding her hand and surrounded by their children.
When they broke the kiss, (Y/N) smiled widely and caressed her husband's cheeks lovingly. She looked ethereal at that moment and a crazy thought appeared inside of his head.
“Tell me, love,” he started and she raised an eyebrow at him, “are you a spirit sent to me from Valinor to lead me back on the right path? Have I passed the test?” He dared to ask and he could swear, there was a small sparkle lighting up her eyes for a short while. But then, she only laughed.
“Go back to sleep, ye madman,” she patted his chest lightly and turned around while laughing softly.
He kept staring at her for some time more, then he went back to looking at the ceiling. And, eventually, he turned around as well to wrap his arm around the waist of Halbrand's wife.
His wife.
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Halbrand was coming back from work slowly while playing with the little horse forged out of iron in his hand as he hummed a song. The sun was setting slowly on the horizon when he approached the harbour where (Y/N) was slowly tidying up her stand on the market.
Her own one, that she had earned finally and was so proud of it as she was working for herself now and was able to bring more money home.
He watched her tidy up with a loving smile and their son was helping her while talking to her excitedly about something – his mouth would never close just like his mother's.
“Daddy!” He spotted him finally and ran up to him as (Y/N) chuckled.
“Hey, little man,” Halbrand crouched down to give his son a hug. “How was your day?”
“It was good!” The boy nodded. “I helped mummy a bit. And yours, daddy?”
“I made this for you,” Halbrand handed him the little horse and the boys' eyes sparkled at the sight.
“So pretty! Thank you, daddy!” He wrapped his little arms around Halbrand's neck to give him another hug and Halbrand patted his back.
“And for me?! For me?!” He felt something tugging at his tunic and he laughed at the sight of his excited daughter. He gave her a hug, too and caressed her ruffled hair as she gave him a toothless smile.
“I have something for you, too, Princess,” Halbrand assured her and took another item out of his pocket – a seashell made out of iron.
He had made sure it was crafted with the best precision and with all the tiny details, therefore it looked nearly like a real seashell. Only it was silver, which made it even better in his little girl's eyes.
“Thank you, daddy!” She giggled as she squinted her eyes at the shell and kept examining it under every possible angle.
“You spoil 'em way too much!” (Y/N) stood above him and he stood up to greet her with a short peck on the cheek.
“Somebody has to,” Halbrand answered playfully and his wife shot him a glance, which made his son giggle.
“Stop sayin' nonsense and let's go back home,” she shook her head and walked away slowly.
He watched his children follow her happily and he did, too, but much slower as he stared at the sun setting on the horizon. The sky looked like a canva full of pink and orange hues and he took a deep breath in at the beauty of it.
It was nearly as peaceful and beautiful as back in the day in Valinor. Mortals perhaps were not welcome there but, apparently, they could also experience wonders as marvellous.
And perhaps this whole life was built on a lie because he couldn't imagine telling (Y/N) the truth about who he truly was and that her real husband had been dead for years. That he had died because of gambling and drinking after leaving her alone when she was being attacked by the Orcs. There was no point in telling her even if she would somehow believe him. It would only bring her useless pain and he knew very well that her actual husband would most likely never do all these things he had done to make her happy. He would not love her right like he could.
“Ye comin', Hal?” His wife's voice brought him back to reality.
Halbrand nodded at her and joined her side to take his daughter by her little hand.
After all, it was not the sunset but her and her brother that were the real wonders. And it was not Númenor that he called home but it was them – they were his better place.
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MASTERLIST
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confusions-shed-of-ideas · 2 years ago
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Octopath Traveler 2 Characters most and least likely to belt Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs
(What Am I Doing)
MAMAAAAAA OOOOOOOH (most likely)
Temenos
Partitio
Ochette
Agnea
Castti
Throné
Hikari
Osvald
What is this Bohemian Rhapsody (least likely)
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thewomanwhoboughttheworld · 10 months ago
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Aziraphale: ...and this is Crowley. He looks tough, but has a soft heart.
Crowley: Slander! Take it back!
Aziraphale: Dear, you were crying over Bohemian Rhapsody yesterday.
Crowley: ...Listen, it's not my fault that--
Master post here
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genderdenied · 4 months ago
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★﹕fox4fox
pt: fox4fox :end pt
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★ ⌒⌒ ;; coined by ! me
‿‿⋆﹒⊹ ; for ↓↓
not requested // for myself and anyone that it resonates w
☆⌒⌒ ;; definition
; a flag for foxes who prefer to ( /exclusively ) date other foxes .. This can apply to alters,, therians, or anyone who identifies with foxes, etcc !!
; inspired by @winecovered 's cat4cat && dog4dog terms
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; plain text && IDs ↓↓
pt: coined by me, not requested / for myself and anyone that it resonates with. Definition: a flag for foxes who prefer to ( /exclusively ) date other foxes .. This can apply to alters,, therians, or anyone who identifies with foxes, etcc !! ( inspired by winecovered's cat4cat and dog4dog terms ) :end pt
ID: a rectangular flag with 5 equal width strips, with colours going in top-to-bottom order: orange, light orange, peach, light peach, white. The second image is the same as the first, except now in the center is a dark orange outline of the Cowslip flower :end ID
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a-jar-of-jelly · 1 year ago
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my favourite part of gen z is screaming "SSRI's" the loudest in the fall out boy update of we didn't start the fire
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valhellftie · 9 months ago
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bohemian rhapsody is sirius and bohemian rhapsody negative harmony is regulus and i will be accepting zero criticism
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chillychive · 2 years ago
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Episode 8
The intro was soo weird the previously on im crying that was so funny
Hiiii spock
Hello
Not them jumping directly into a blackhole
Oh it was an illusion 
Ohhh
Ohhh
Ohhhhh
We’re here
Poor hugh
Poor guy
Ahhh this the tensionnn 
I love tilly so much. Just the lean around the screen and “come into my office” ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I���m just so happy its spock. Like ik this is rough for Him but ❤️
Traumaaaa {in the same tone as "mama!" in bohemian rhapsody}
Ahh I’m going to cry that scene was so painful.
This episode is so much pain this episode is so much pain 
The bickering ahh
And the answer is yes, michael. The beard is fantastic.
That fight was actually amazing
And I love that conversation between saru and pike
Im crying. @sadmushroomgoblin you’ve completely changed how i view this episode 
This entire episode is so pain.
Pain in so sad i will cry
This isnt even a little coherent 
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sagaschan · 2 years ago
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Bohemian rhapsody has it right
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wwindblumee · 2 years ago
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noxtivagus · 2 years ago
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i'll read more from now on again
#🌙.rambles#so much to just think about n i'm lost in my own lil world#tmrrw gna have to face reality again bcs of school :c but. yk lately this year i think i've already developed lots#this past week has been especially formative.#i crave n yearn.. intimacy so much. i want to just be free like that. bcs i'm safe in my own self n. too much to say but#i think it's lonely. being out a lot today made me realize that. all these barriers in communication is so.. lonely#i want to read so much more for so many reasons but here with what i've already laid out the first reason i'll say is#i want to understand others better i want to even further expand my own thinking n just learn so much more#n then.. goddamn i want to write too. write so much so i could#it hurts. it hurts so much i feel like i know n think n feel more than i should n the wisdom is breaking me apart i don't know how to put it#into words. maybe that's why i've been afraid to start new things despite my insatiable curiosity n passion.#afraid of how it'll fill me with even more & i'm not sure how i'd manage. i feel as though i understand life differently than most..#most people around me at least. i see myself in musicians. artists. writers.#people who create once they've taken in much as well. people like me but.. it's been rather disturbing when i realize how most of them end#up like. n i wonder. i just wonder so much. n wish n dream that maybe i could end up differently.#i want so desperately to break out of the chains of reality of society of.. all those. idead that are taught to us n internalized ever since#we were born? i don't know how to write it and i don't think words could ever do it justice. but i want to truly be who i am at heart.#and yet being self-aware i suppose is confusing in such a bittersweet way. there's so much more that i do not know and cannot grasp#& then sometimes at the end of the day i just wonder n dream about if ever i would be more connected with reality. with this world.#regardless of how much one may put out to the world.. it'll never be understood or known in the same way as the one it originates from.#it's lonely. sad. but it makes what we can convey and relate with much more meaningful. n i'm so grateful for those things#n there's also just so much that relates to it n. yeah. is part of it like#the unconscious subconscious n conscious mind#for fuck's sake i want to learn so much it's overwhelming. psychoanalysis n neuroscience n#i want to learn more of others too. i want deep conversations. i want to read more books n listen to more music n just consume more n more#to learn more of the people who created them. everything around us is just so full of life n. it's so beautiful n so overwhelmingly painful.#my helplessness in doing more. i'm aware of why. n it just hurts. it hurts so much but i'm#glad at least that lately i've been more free. more myself. more self-aware n aware of the universe in general. n i look forward to#so much more. but.. yeah i still crave to be 'real' n part of this world in a more 'normal' way at times#i. have so much to write. but for now i'll return to reality with the this.. odd feeling in my chest. not enough too little too much. life
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n0spins · 2 years ago
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headcanon + mother
       *  send  headcanon  +  a  word  and  i’ll  write  a  blurb  about  it  !!
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        KWON  EUNSOO  ,  45  ,  HAIRDRESSER 
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          minjun’s  mother  eunsoo  is  currently  a  hairdresser  at  a  family  owned  salon  back  home  in  daegu.  when  he  was  a  bit  younger,  she  also  used  to  work  as  a  housekeeper  and  a  waitress,  but  ever  since  minjun  made  it  big  and  started  shouldering  more  of  the  finacial  load,  his  mother  left  the  two  professions.
          minjun  was  a  complete  accident  —  his  mother  was  on  the  way  to  becoming  a  classical  pianist  and  had  no  intentions  of  having  kids  anytime  soon.  she  was  wanted  by  the  korean  national  symphony  orchestra,  held  in  high  regard  for  her  amazing  piano  skills  at  such  a  young  age  —  but  she  had  to  give  it  all  up  to  become  a  stay  at  home  mother.  minjun  wasn’t  unwanted  per  say,  but  there  was  definitely  the  resentment  eunsoo  held  towards  him  for  halting  her  music  career.  but  she  was  raising  him  with  the  love  of  her  life,  so  surely  everything  would  be  alright.
          minjun  longs  for  the  days  when  he  was  little  and  he’d  sit  on  his  mother’s  knee  and  learn  the  piano  from  her  talented  fingertips.  things  would  change  drastically  when  minjun’s  father  passed  away,  the  main  bread - winner  of  the  house,  eunsoo  was  forced  to  give  up  being  a  stay  at  home  mom  to  now  take  on  a  multitude  of  jobs  to  provide  for  her  three  kids. 
          minjun,  only  eleven  years  old  at  the  time,  would  have  to  step  up  to  the  plate  to  take  care  of  his  younger  sisters.  he’d  see  his  mother  once  in  the  morning  before  school,  and  then  as  soon  as  the  kids  got  home,  it  was  minjun’s  job  to  take  care  of  youngmi  and  hyunae.  he’d  remember  the  meals  his  mother  made  and  would  try  to  replicate  them,  or  they’d  be  eating  convenience  store  ramyeon  for  the  third  day  in  a  row  because  it  was  something  easy  he  couldn’t  fuck  up.  he’d  do  their  laundry,  he’d  clean  the  house,  he’d  help  his  sisters  with  the  cleanup  following  a  bedwetting  incident,  he  was  the  mother  that  was  too  busy  working  all  the  time.
          minjun  doesn’t  blame  his  mother,  how  could  he  ?  it  wasn’t  her  fault  her  husband  died,  and  it  wasn’t  her  fault  that  she  had  to  put  her  grief  on  the  backburner  while  trying  to  keep  her  family  afloat.  but  there  is  still  a  sense  of  resentment  on  minjun’s  side  for  having  to  grow  up  too  quickly,  to  be  okay  for  his  little  sisters.  he  couldn’t  process  his  own  grief  or  just  be  a  kid  without  worrying  how  he  would  care  of  youngmi  and  hyunae  at  home.  he’d  stay  up  late  in  hopes  of  seeing  his  mom  if  only  for  a  brief  moment,  but  she’d  brush  his  affections  off  and  claim  she  was  tired  before  retiring  to  her  room.  he  just  wanted  somebody  to  take  care  of  him,  since  he  spent  all  his  time  taking  care  of  his  sisters.  he  just  wanted  his  mom  again.
          she’d  guilt  minjun  into  getting  a  job  as  early  as  he  could,  a  paid  under  the  table  job  and  anything  he  made  would  go  directly  into  her  pocket.  if  minjun  tried  to  protest,  she’d  spin  it  onto  his  head  that  he  didn’t  care  for  his  family,  when  that  couldn’t  be  further  from  the  truth.  now  basically  in  the  same  boat  as  his  mother,  minjun  would  start  to  fall  behind  in  his  own  studies  from  working  and  being  a  parent.
          after  minjun  was  scouted,  eunsoo  saw  the  possibility  for  her  son  to  get  the  fame  that  she  was  denied  —  wanting  to  live  vicariously  through  him,  and  the  aspect  of  the  money  he  could  bring  home  if  he  made  it  big,  she’d  urge  him  to  go  to  the  audition  and  chase  after  his  dreams.
          minjun  is  not  as  close  to  his  mother  as  he  used  to  be,  sending  money  back  home  out  of  a  feeling  of  obligation.  she  was  the  one  who  made  him  go  to  the  mightee  one  audition  all  those  years  ago,  so  he  feels  he  owes  everything  to  her,  that  she’s  entitled  to  his  hardwork  simply  because  she’s  his  mother.  even  when  minjun  wasn’t  making  much  when  no  spin  was  severely  struggling,  she  still  requested  almost  every  and  any  paycheck  minjun  got.  
         after  no  spin  blew  up,  she  started  demanding  more  and  more  from  him,  and  minjun  would  just  give  her  anything  she  asked  for,  because  didn’t  she  deserve  it  ?  his  mother  had  gone  through  so  much,  she  deserved  the  break  minjun  could  give  her.  now  dependant  on  his  money  and  fame,  she’s  certainly  not  the  woman  minjun  remembers,  the  woman  who  kissed  his  cuts  and  taught  him  his  endless  love  for  music.  his  fame  is  hers,  letting  her  live  the  luxury  she  should’ve  had  minjun  never  been  born  in  the  first  place.
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dogbounds-reblogs · 1 year ago
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leonardo's always in control 🎶
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so glad they did my boy well in mm. hope he stays away from windows!
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valtsv · 2 years ago
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i'm no medical expert but my one and only health tip i can offer with any confidence is to allow yourself to listen to bohemian rhapsody every once in a while in a setting where you can put your your whole entire life up to this moment into singing along with the part where freddie mercury says "i don't wanna die, but sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all" and feel a layer of dead scar tissue peel away from your existence before it can calcify
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genderdenied · 12 days ago
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☆ㅤcat4goat
pt: cat4goat :end pt
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!!ㅤ;ㅤfor : anon
﹒ ㅤdefinition :
; a flag for cats who prefer to ( /exclusively ) date goats .. This can apply to alters,, therians,, or anyone who identifies with it !!
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; userboxes by ghosting-plural-userboxes
; copy-pastable PT && IDs below !!
header ID: A lace header, it curves downwards and is split coloured with a greeny grey on the left and a dark brown on the right. It has multiple outlines going muted orange, greeny grey, white, muted orange, dark brown, black. In the center is the words " cat4goat " outlined similarly. :end ID
divider ID: A simplistic orange divider. It has an orange crescent moon on each side and is all outlined in brown, white, orange and brown again. In the center is the word " genderdenied " outlined similarly :end ID
flag 1: a rectangular flag with 5 equal width strips, colours going in top-to-bottom order: black, dark brown, muted orange, white, greeny grey. In the center is a drawing of a Petunia ( "Black Cat" ) flower coloured a lighter brown. :end ID
flag 2: a rectangular flag with 5 equal width strips, colours going in top-to-bottom order: black, dark brown, muted orange, white, greeny grey. :end ID
flag 3: a rectangular flag with 5 equal width strips, colours going in top-to-bottom order: black, dark brown, muted orange, white, greeny grey. In the center is a drawing of a Sunflower coloured a lighter brown. :end ID
footer ID: A lace footer, it curves upwards and is split coloured with a greeny grey on the left and a dark brown on the right. It has multiple outlines going muted orange, greeny grey, white, muted orange, dark brown, black. :end ID
userbox 1: A red fox themed userbox. The picture is of a red fox sleeping peacefully, tongue sticking out slightly. The text reading " This being appreciates reblogs and comments " :end ID
userbox 2: A red fox themed userbox. The picture is of a red fox having it's head held. The text reading " DNI: Radqueer, TransID, Syscourse and NSFW " :end ID
PT: cat4goat for anon. Definition, a flag for cats who prefer to ( /exclusively ) date goats .. This can apply to alters, therians,, or anyone who identifies with it :end PT
; tagging: @radiomogai @x4xarchive
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m1shapanda · 2 years ago
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i've been looping bohemian rhapsody for hours do you think i'm okay
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mymuseismorpheus · 2 years ago
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Putting on my best look & make up for the first time in ages bc I need new clothes, and if I don't look sexy in them I won't buy them
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