#I NEED TO GET BETTER ABOUT POSTING STUFF HERE JUST REALIZED I HAVENT POSTED A LOT OF STUFF HERE

[draganaesfrost]

>/////<

[kremlin]

@wikwalker hi sure yes anything to give me an excuse to procrastinate the post i should be writing right now. here are all teh drugs and how to manage them. you can trust me, a drug addict

first of all: https://www.erowid.org/ , erowid always

don't be afraid of drugs, if they're the right drugs, you should do them since they will be a blast regardless and overcoming fear is also good (but outside the scope here)

OK to do as much as you want: alcohol - social benefit greatly outweighs health effects, no reason to avoid if predisposed to abuse since that'll happen sooner or later. what can i say? don't be a fucking dork. when you start drinking, really overdo it as much as possible without dying and get a few real nasty hangovers under your belt so you know how much is the right amount to drink.

weed - innocuous enough to be fine but will make you stupid in the long term. make sure to only buy from a real drug dealer and never some legal institution. cut it out when you're a "real adult". don't smoke weed and watch TV routinely, go out and do things so you naturally grow to hate it. good to go through this as early as possible to minimize the time you spend as a cringe weed enthusiast

i guess those are the only two.

ok to do infrequently (annually): "lsd" - or whatever it is, probably not lsd, blah blah blah, if it works and is sold on blotter its fine and won't make you go nuts or whatever. opt for a better psychadelic imo. see psych rule at bottom of section

mushrooms - better than acid since you know what they are. rule of thumb is to always do more than you think you want. minimum 1/8oz. see psych rule at bottom of post

dmt - if you somehow have a dmt hookup you don't need to be reading any of this. lasts 10 minutes which leads to tendency to way overdo it, don't do this, my favorite webcomic artist is permanently crazy from exactly that. using a crack pipe is also not the uhhhh most dignifying-feeling thing to do either. it's harder than you think.

mdma - for use at electronic music event or rave. overuse causes brain lesions or something.

coke - wait until you're in your 20s, have maxed out your roth IRA for a couple of years in a row, and havent missed a car payment in a similar timeframe. better still if you've worked a very shitty low paying job and know the value of a dollar. if you still find yourself buying candy you're not ready. too expensive to be worth it to get hooked on. know that you are VERY ANNOYING to anyone who also isn't high. don't fuck around with the guy selling it to you. avoid discussing or thinking about business ideas. you can't afford to make it a habit + kinda turns you into a piece of shit after a while, but at least a very interesting one

ketamine - another sick drug that rules, but save it for a special occasion. don't try and go into the k-hole your first time

rule for psychedelics - you get one good strong trip a year and that's it, make it count, always opt for doing a bit more than a bit less. but don't make it a habit, otherwise you turn into a very stupid very annoying "hippy" style cliché and believe in ghosts, aliens, crap like that.

ok to try once prescription opiates/benzodiazepine (xanax), valium, this kind of shit - worth trying so you can go "holy shit, this stuff is way way way too good to ever use responsibly" and then never do again. especially if you're white. for some reason we just can't handle this shit. if a doctor prescribes it to you, idk, that's your call to make.

ayhuasca - this is just dmt in a different form. do some other psychadelics a number of times before you do this. once you realize the whole "substantial visual hallucinations" thing is made up, its time. do exactly this: -buy root online (legal). receive box of dirt -boil dirt into "tea" (read erowid for exact recipe) -take over-the-counter anti nausea medicine or anything that will give you a stronger stomach -drink tea (its nasty as fuck, get it down quick) -have someone bigger than you keep an eye on you for the next five hours. -have the experience, which is absurdly intense, has no bearing to the real world, etc etc. don't be a bitch and throw up, if you do it'll only last an hour or so. again there is no way to provide a consistent description of the experience except that you will meet god. you only ever need to do this once and never again. trust me

peyote/salvia/etc - try em if you want, you'll never ever want to again afterwords. these are drugs for idiot teenagers too lame to get real drugs. imagine being very very sick from poison and utterly terrified at the same time. No good

whippets/nitrous oxide - just find a dentist that uses it and don't bother creating hundreds of pounds of trash on your floor for this crap that lasts ten seconds. you have to understand the extremely short timeframe coupled with the cost makes zero sense. go to a phish concert parking lot and do some people watching -- you do not want to be these people. only use is as a motivator to get routine dental exam. also if you somehow manage to make it a heavy habit your fucking legs stop working, no shit, but they start working again once you quit.

don't ever do heroin/meth/pcp - is is truly a mystery why you should never do these 🙄

synthetic weed/k2/shit from the gas station - it is so funny that they sell this as "weed that won't pop you on a drug test". its not weed. it is some dubious chemical sprayed on yard waste. smoke it to have a terrible time and go nuts. only buy drugs from legitimate drug dealers!

kratom - anyone's guess as to why this is legal but it's heroin for pussies. its still heroin

dxm/cough syrup - do you ever wonder why it is exclusively teenagers robotripping? it's because it sucks ass. is like a cheesegrater on your brain in terms of health effects with repeated usage. you're better than this king

inhalants - these are at the bottom of the list for a reason. do not huff gas. don't huff paint. do not consume computer duster. not fun + fastest way to make yourself a complete, uh, (word i can't say anymore) and then dead

not listed quaaludes- unavailable due to no longer being manufactured. these ruled apparantly

sincis2c - unavailable due to not existing, i just made this up

amphetamines - cannot provide objective take here. they're my albatross, lifelong (posted 4:55am natch)

[butchfortress]

realized i havent posted here much so, umm,

who wants to hear about my blu team headcanons ^__^ this is just my rundown of how they work, what they're like, and even weapon loadouts

ok so im going to roll with the teams being clones, but i dont want to make any sort of drama to be just about that, like that whole existential dread of being a clone thing. its been done to death and i have nothing new to say for it (besides, i'd assume the inital cloning process was years ago when they just got hired, by now the novelty would of worn off and weirder stuff would of happened for them to even care or worry about that.) so what i'm thinking is that there's no way everyone would have the exact same experiences after they get cloned, so everyone just splits off into their own paths and they become their own individuals almost. and interacting with themselves from the other teams isnt "oh thats literally me :(" but more so "oh thats literally me and i need to be better than him >:(" so theres always this bit of competition between everyone; an infinite loop of anything you can do i can do better.

as for everyone individually...... (i'll also throw in a ⭐ for whoever is the "master copy" of themselves)

blu scout: short stop / mad milk / stock bat

accidental honorary delivery boy. when miss pauling is busy with the actually important work, admin sends this scout around the teufort area to send out weapons and other mann co. products. red scout sees him as a bit of a poser poster child and they butt heads often, especially when red scout is off-shift while blu is making deliveries.

blu soldier: rocket jumper / b.a.s.e. jumper / market gardener

if not maybe a bit more of a conspiracy nut and more compliant to the company, i guess the most similar to his original version? can't beat perfection i guess, not a lot of notes here but they probably bite each other for fun.

blu pyro: decreaser / shotgun / neon annihilator

not visually different or note worthy either, but whatever she and red pyro have is unspoken, vicious, and brutal. they will tear each other limb by limb anytime they're in proximity. definitely another reason that fuels most of the team's fear towards them.

blu demo ⭐: iron bomber / scottish resistance/ nessie's nine iron

strategic, cool, and a bit of a schemer. a real master at his craft with sticky bombs and planning traps. red demo actually likes him but blu HATES him since he (red) got the eyelander and he (himself) didn't, so he's very bitter towards him (wow this is confusing.)

blu heavy: tomslav / family business / eviction notice

goes missing from base a lot, no one knows why. he seems to be doing illegal assassin work both inside and out of company payroll. both heavies actually are in contact often and blu gives a good chunk, if not all, of what he makes to him. i'd assume any of the clones visiting anywhere outside of the immediate tuefort area would be problematic and would have restrictions to prevent two of the exact same person from walking around in the world at once, so blu heavy lets his other self take it so long as it goes directly to his mom and sisters. if he can't visit them personally, at least him knowing they're stable financially and doing well is more than enough for him.

blu engineer ⭐: rescue ranger / wrangler / wrench

the dell conagher, enough said. he's the most in contact with admin behind miss pauling for her own purposes. he'd rather not think about his red counterpart, but i will say that this version does not have the gunslinger. that was all red engineer post-cloning. but he does have the only australiam tool between both teams so it balances out maybe.

blu medic ⭐: overdose / vaccinator / solemn vow

he thinks hes dr fritz ludwig from emesis blue 🤣🤣🤣 tries VERY hard to be a cold collected scientist but ends up being more neurotic and jumpy. screams a lot. actually maybe dislikes his team? and loathes his own red copy for actually trying (who btw (red) is having a great time knowing his existence is an abomination to god, its even an affirmation he tells himself in a mirror.)

blu sniper: huntsman / razorback / kukri

ironically one of the few blu team members that actually stay put in the base. he doesnt call his folks as per aforementioned restrictions, but he has no beef with his red counterpart for that. the worst they do is get extremely competitive; theyre at the top of their game and even have stand offs of just aiming for hours until someone flinches.

blu spy ⭐: revolver / black rose / dead ringer / red-tape recorder

the man, the myth, the legend. more carefree and unserious than red spy, thats partially because he doesn't know about scout's relation to him. red spy found that out post-cloning, he's missing that one bit or character development that makes him a more mature and cold mercenary, but at this moment he's none the wiser. so aside from expected spy vs. spy shenanigans, their conflict is a bit more deeply rooted. he actually visits the red base a LOT, to only a few people's knowledge. makes a lot of long tangents.

[ghostsandfools]

this is a vent post, y’all dont gotta respond or anything, im just writing it out here cause i already vented to my partner once today and writing in a diary is too time consuming for me right now

I dont like eating anymore. Things always go the exact same way. I only like a couple of foods, and then we run out of those foods and my parents wont buy me more so i judt dont eat until i get them again, and then when i do get them again i get so scared that someone else will eat them before me, and i end up trying to eat as much as possible. And im kinda tiny, so technically i dont even eat that much but it feels like so much. One meal can take me an hour cause i keep taking breaks. And then after, i feel tired and full and yucky and awful, and i get scared cause i have emetophobia and i keep worrying about getting sick. And i know i shouldnt eat that much but i do anyways. I havent gotten sick from it yet but the thought of it happening makes me wanna cry. I know it’s not healthy, and i hate that i have to struggle with this because i usually know how to deal with this stuff. Life has thrown a lot at me, and ive learned how to manage my mental issues so i dont end up hurting myself. Im usually the one that other people vent to, ive even been helping my partner with their eating issues, so i hate that i cant stop myself from this. I dont like it at all. Im hoping that its gonna go away over time just like everything else has. I used to self harm and i really struggled with that for a while too, but over time and with a little help from a friend i was able to stop that. Maybe this will be the same way… theres not really anything i can do about it. My doctor noticed i was underweight and suggested maybe i should get eating therapy so i can stop being so picky, but that was months ago. I dont know if its gonna happen. And i cant talk to my parents about it cause theyll say some dumb shit about how praying is going to help or how i just need to get better at eating and its not that hard. Cause thats exactly what theyve done every other time. And im stsrting to realize im gonna have to learn how to be there for myself the same way im there for others.

if you did read all this, dont worry bout me. I know that was a pretty depressing little paragraph, but writing it out has made me feel a little better. It’s easy to give people advice, but i have trouble following my own advice sometimes, and thats something im practicing. Im glad that i realize the issue, because at lesst i can work on it. Thats the first step. I think ill be alright.

[imraespace]

omg hi pookei im like Alive. and like YOURE ALIVE TOO OMG IHIHIHIHI I LOVE THE NEW THEME BTW I LOWK GOT JUMPSCARED THIS BC I WAS TWEAKING ON WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS U BUT ANYWAS HOW AREYOU mueheuheh i missed you

So. I did fail my history test. WELL IT WAS LIKE BORDERLINE FAIL I GOT …. 33/50 on the multiple choice part and the written part id assume i did horrible as well ……… BUT some ppl did worse than me so ITS OKAY I THINK MY PARENTS DONT CARE THEY SAID JUSt do better on the next one

LIKE OKAY STORYTIME BUT ITS NOT REALLY A STORY it was like the night before the test and i was studying and i realized holy flip how am i gonna memorize all of this and i already studied like yesterday and the day before but i was TWEAKING and i was like ok lets go on tiktok and i remembered oh i havent visited this one account recently let me go check. Tell me why they posted that their sibling died. LIKE I HAVENT ACTUALLY INTERACTED W THEM LIKE EVER BUT IM JUST LIKE WHAT. BC IT WAS SO SUDDEN YKWIM and i got sad over it and i was like on the verge of tears but then my dad came into my room and he gave me water and i didnt wanna look at him or id start sobbing but then he started staring at me so then i acc sobbed my eyes out and i blamed it on my history test and he started teaching me about whatever i had to study

after my history test i was lowk grieving the death of who it was but i was so confused on why i was affected BC I LITERALLY DONT KNOW THEM THEY DONT KNOW ME AND I LEGIT NEVER INTERACTED W THEM EITHER SO I WAS LIKE HUH but i feel a little better now i hope that the person who posted about it is okay tho ☹️

umumumumu Nothing has been happening other thna me rotting on my phone and avoiding history and some of my other subjects hw……… will be crying bc i actually have to lock in today

OH YESTERDAY I WENT TO THE MALL WITH MY PARENTS TO BUY JACKETS WHY THE HELL WAS EVERYTHING 250+??? LIKE OK I GET IT JACKETS ARE PROBABLY HARD TO MAKE OR WHATEVER AND THE SUPPLIES FOR IT YADADDADA BUT LIKE I SWEAR JACKETS WERE 50 DOLLARS BEFORE. i told momi ill just freeze this winter and ran into indigo again to find bluelock manga even tho i got all the manga available here (1-14 i am desperately waiting for the sae manga i need him so bad but hes coming out feb 25 next year LIKE WHAT) i found episode nagi manga 1 and i… i bought it. it was. 20 dollars. there are 5 volumes. 20 x 5 assuming they stay the same price is 100. i did more calculations including manga all the way up the volume 31 of bluelock and the figures/plushies and tell me why my estimate price is basicallt 900 dollars on bluelock stuff within 3-4 years. im gomna be on the streets homeless with bluelock merch but its okay bc my glorious blue eyed kings itoshi sae and itoshi rin will be with me …..

IALSO WENT TO GO GET SUSHI WITH MY FRIEND YESTERDAY SO YAYAYYA it was all you can eat and best believe i ate everything like i am literallt kirby i inhaled the whole menu. when it came to desserts i got every flavour of ice cream + mousse cake so i got like …. 9 mousse cakes with different flavours ice cream plus deep fried banana with condense HELPME I THINK KMGONAN BE SICK LIKE THE SECOND I GOT HOME I RAN TO THE TOILET AND MY STOMACH WON THE BATTLE I DIDNT.

OKAYAYA DAILY QUESTION TIME BC I ACTUALLT HAVE NOTHJGN ELSE TO SAY

UMUMUM which bllk character would eat everything at a buffet like they would lick all the plates clean.

- 🐙

HAI POA9AKIE HRUUU IM DYING MY HAIR IS MESSY AND UTS AO HOT I REGRWT WALKING WITH MY JACKET TODAY

HELOMEE EVERYONE GOT SCARED maybe next time I should say something..🤫����

I MISSED YOU TOO HRUU?!?!?

oh well.. I partly passed my accounts test bc apparently I wrote the wrong formate even tho she gave us it so😂😂😂😐😒😒😒 we're twinning!!

HELP SAME WITH MINE unless it's like.. end of term if I do bad ill get the talk yk last time I got it I was so scared my mommy is so scary when it comes to school but then she was like open the chocolate for me please! IN YBE MIDDLE OF THE TALK? she gave me chocolate tho so hehehehehe

idek how to study for history I don't think I ever passed it when I used to do it

HELPAME WHAT I also go on tiktok for studying as well I have a collection or whatever you call it

aw that's understandable to cry when you're frustrated I hate that sm BUT THATS SO CUTE my mommy is just like girl idk ask google! (im joking kinda)

oh. idk how much that is in tt and rn.. it's too hot for me to think so.. 😨😨😨

omgw please giveme the winter it's so hot IT SOS HOT SOSOSOSOS HELPPME I CANT FOXJS IN CLASS ITS THE rainy season AND NOT ONE DROP OF RAIN HAS FELL I wanna experience snow as well heheheheheh

there's no bllk mangas here.. only kny here n spy x family hrhehe i might buy jt

I'm giggling the calculating is so me with my money it's okay ill find you on the streets and take you in!!

ALSO.PMG SUSHIII MY FRIEND HATES SUSHI AND ONE TOO SCARES RO TRY IT LIKE WHAT?

omf I would be kirby as well fr I barely eat sushi if it's infront if my face I will yum yum it

OMG? I WNAT THAT OAMSHSH

HELP oh nvm good luck popo

ERM THE ANSWER IS ME I'm in bllk today

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Made it through chapters 13-18 today and I wanted to start this one off by mentioning something that I noticed a while ago but neglected to mention here so far, which is that Feyre uses Ihr/Euch when referring to Tamlin and I think Lucien and even Alis as well (Ihr/Euch is the Formal You thats used to refer to nobility (as opposed to the more common Sie/Ihnen which is the Formal You used in others contexts)), while Tamlin and Lucien refer to Feyre by du (Informal You) and Alis refers to her by Ihr/Eugh as well. I wanna try and keep track of when Feyre starts to use the Informal You for Tamlin because its a small detail but it always signals a pretty big shift in the relationship in german-language media and I think its really neat

Anyway, now onto the other stuff; i remember that I complained about the pacing feeling very slow in my first post and I would like to say that thats gotten a lot better, at least on the level of individual scenes. When it comes to the story as a whole though, I feel like its moving unnaturally quickly. Like, its a little hard to describe but Feyres character development and her warming up to the fae feels like its happening in chunks rather than a smooth, natural progression. The fact that SJM's writing is incredibly unsubtle isnt helpful either, it just makes the unnatural-ness of it all stick out that much more. I wouldve definitely needed atleast one realization of "Oh, these guys arent that different from me and the people I knew in my life" from Feyre before she started warming up to them and feeling sorry for Andras' death because as it stands, her feeling guilty felt very sudden

While the fae are still dissappointing overall and I despise the horrible What-if-America-colonized-the-British-Isles ass layout and the exposition was clunkier than ever before, I did like all the non-high fae fea creatures, the Suriel and the Bogge in particular, its truly incredible how interesting SJM's writing can be when shes not too focused on the most generically handsome basically-human-except-they-fuckin-growl-and-roar men

Speaking of those men, I continue to find Tamlin pretty charming although hes definitely definitely not my type, my type are pathetic submissive easily flustered guys, but given that this is a book by Sarah J Maas a guy who actually has hobbies outside of fighting and fucking might be all I can hope for. Despite that, I like Luien a lot more and I find his relationship with Feyre far more compelling. Like, him giving Feyre that dagger telling her not to stab him in the back with it was absolutely lovely, not mention his incredibly interesting family drama. Like ughhhhhhh whyd SJM decide she wanted to subvert expectations by having Feyre end up with Rhysand when Lucien is literally right there. Although granted, I think a large part of the reason I feel that way is because Feyre and Tamlin havent really interacted too much in almost 200 hundred pages while Feyre and Lucien have spent a decent amount of time alone already and its a little baffling because its not like Feylin have absolutely no time together, its just that we dont really see it. Like, we dont see their almost nightly dinners and its really frustrating because Im not even someone who really enjoys this kind of bland cishet "dark romance" thats popular on booktok, but like, whats the point of a beauty and the beast retelling where you dont see the beauty and beast slowly get to know each other. Its even more frustrating when I remember that like a quarter or maybe even a third of this book is gonna be all the Under The Mountain bullshit, like you know you can just tell a smaller scale romance story in a fantasy setting without a big war right

[subway-boss-jericho]

Hey all! Announcement stuff!

Thank you to everyone who has been very patient with me. I swear to god i could turn into one of those Ao3 authors thats like "hahaha sorry i havent updated in so long i died and then came back to life and then i had to work 7 jobs" and im being so fucking brave about it!! ANYWAYS THATS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!

Tomorrow is the 1 Year anniversary of steady tracks chapter 1! 🥳(and also my birthday. yes that was on purpose)

So! I wanted to give you all some updates and stuff to look forward to because oh god it sure has been an entire fucking year since I uploaded stuff and I refuse to feel bad about it but my brain is trying so hard to make me! I am working on chapter 2. Progress has been terribly slow because of severe life events, thank you for your understanding.

So!! What's next? Well, over the summer I am really fucking hoping to finish chapter 2. I know I keep saying this but literally i stg. I'm going apeshit. do you know how hard it is to think about something for an entire year and never have the time, motivation, or energy at the same time to make it exist?? fucked up!! Before that though, I have a few things.

I TOLD you all that I would talk about an AU of mine, whichever was highest voted in that strawpoll I did, and then surprise i fuckin didnt do that. I would very very much like to do that! The problem, I realized, is that I operate super hard on a reactionary basis so I am not prone to talking about anything that is mine until prompted about it or given permission. Fucking, Wack. This is my house. I should be cringe and free but nooooo. Anyways, because of this, I am planning on doing 2 things -> Actually tell you guys about spirit keeper! You all voted for him back when, and especially with that ✨Fucking, Gorgeous✨ commission from Fronomeeps I got (for me birthday :]) I really really really want to do that. And post my art more. and shit like that. seriously i need to get out of my head or I'll explode. someone needs to scream about how cool these stories are with me or I'll dissolve. -> I am thinking of doing a day long event where I stream an Aggie/(Magma?) where I draw my AUs and let people hop in to join in (as long as it stays on topic!) as well as answering as many asks as I can about my many aus and basically setting you guys up to trick me into infodumping. Because let me tell you i have a year and a halfs worth of words in my head and i am 100% confident ingo and emmet enjoyers would really like to hear them. So I wanna do a big ask party Q&A and really get things rolling!! Hopefully with drawings and doodles involved! as a celebration for myself, and as a way to open up to the greater fandom (Please leave a comment if you think that sounds cool, I'm trying to gauge interest because if i went all out and no one showed up it would be Extremely Depressing!)

ON! THAT! TOPIC!!! I am actively (literally interspersed with as I am typing this) making a UQUIZ about all of my significant AUs. For the record, there are 23 results on this quiz. I currently only have 3/23 final results completed, but it is my active focus over the weekend to finish as many of those as I can to try and complete the entire thing within a week or less. Also poking at my phrasing here, when I say my significant aus I Mean It, I have more than 23, but these 23 are the ones with stories tangible enough to start somewhere and elaborate on. I have about 10 that I would consider my main AUs, but some of the smaller ones are huge sleeper favorites.

SO YEAH!!! PLEASE LOOK FORWARD TO THAT AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED!! I really wanna do fun stuff and get to know people in the fandom more than just. that person who wrote 1 chapter of a cool fic that one time. I have so much more to offer and I struggle so much to offer it. Please draw me out of my shell, I wish to enter the fandom sphere 🥺

thank you for giving me a great year <3 ((and hopefully the next one will be better <3))

[hetheyshe-remade]

i realize i havent actually explained much about my in-progress webcomic project yet so ummm some info under the cut. i can get a little wordy when talking about this stuff so srry about that

so the current name of this project is The Umbra Saga! it's a fantasy comic with it's own magic system, mythos, and political history! in the umbra saga, the main continent of Staterra is split in two by two kingdoms: the Kingdom of Noctius, taking up the northern portion of the land, and the Kingdom of Auroria, the south of the land.

The comic takes place a decade after the Capital of the Kingdom of Noctius was seized by the Kingdom of Auroria, by their new queen, Queen Lucielle. There, King Lune was slain, and Kingdom Auroria looked to rid of the king's only child: Prince Umbrian. However, the Prince and his Knight had been able to escape the kingdom that day and have remained in hiding up to the beginning of the story.

After years in hiding, Umbrian and his Knight, Sacha, come upon a familiar face: the former Princess of the Kingdom of Auroria, Vividi. After meeting with Vividi, she posits the idea of forming a rebellion against Queen Lucielle and reclaiming the Kingdom of Noctius from her hands. As the two consider this idea, the location of their home becomes compromised by a bounty hunter, and their adventure starts off at a running start!

it's a story i've been working on over the last several years. initally planned as a comic, then a book trilogy, then once again a comic

as of right now i don't have anywhere for anyone to pre-follow updates or anything other than my blog :') but i'll keep a tag about it and if i made a dedicated post or smth i'll add links to it once i get closer to actually posting it.

right now i'm pretty much done the writing/planning portion and just need to get drawings out. once i finish doing the rough draft for the first arc, i want to get the first few chapters finished before i actually share it so there's a nice backlog for positing online.

hope this piques some curiousity! always feel free to send me asks about it. i'll reblog this with the main characters later i think just to talk about them / give an idea of what they're about yknow? once i finish some nice art i'll make some better posts with those

oh! here's a logo thing preview. it's a work in progress but i think it gets the idea across

[phantalgia]

9/4/24 - COVID is scary

Yeah, I’m scared. It's very coincidental that as soon as I start a blog, I’m developing Long COVID...again. I know these symptoms very well but there's also something different about them.

The Long COVID I initially had gave me tachycardia, dizziness, lightheadedness, brain fog, a cough, soon afib, eye artifacting, shortness of breathe, nausea, some nerve pain, and I went to the hospital because of it.

This is different yet the same. The tachycardia seems like it's trying to come back but only goes up to 95 BPM. It still makes me dizzy, lightheaded. But this is just worse. The nerve pain is intense, the pre-syncope is intense, the nausea is intense, the shortness of breathe is intense. There's this feeling like something is stuck in my chest making me short of breathe and have irregular heartbeats. I feel feverish and sore all the time. Shaky all the time. My post surgery stuff is worse.

I’m worried that this will only get worse from here before it gets better. I hope I don’t develop afib again. Luckily this time I’m on heart meds, they might need to be stronger but we'll see. I have a doctors appointment at 4pm. I havent slept yet of course, I’m stuck in my head.

Needless to say I don’t fucking feel good. I’m miserable and I’m scared. Am I screwed here? My doctor doesnt think so. I know he doesnt think so and believes i'll recover in 2 years time. But does any of this change anything. I already had long Covid before. I had a surgery and now I got Long COVID 2 electric boogaloo.

Just got to tackle this I guess. I’m alone...I don’t really feel connected to my family at all. So i feel alone in this. And even if I didnt id be comparing myself to someone else. So I don’t win either way. What a stupid thing comparing yourself to others...even with comparing on who's more screwed than you. Like what's the point? I’m just venting...

I spent the night just kind of listening to music...and thinking about things. All the little mistakes and misses. Coming back to haunt you. The fake imaginary person I made up to make me feel better isnt real and I hate realizing that.

I’m in so much nerve pain it's insane. And being sad about the past doesnt help. But here's the place to dump it all.

I think I’m angry...like all the time. I might be more angry than sad. I tend to bottle things up. There's not much of a place to let things go when you need to. Even if it repeats over and over and over again.

I should probably be more productive with these entries. I’m not being that self reflective. Just...complaining. I’m complaining about what I messed up on and yeah that's kind of the point but there isn't a reconciliation I get out of it.

It just seems to be complain. And wait until I get the next thing to complain about and complain again. Well it's definetly not an overnight process so I should probably give myself a break. It could take years.

Anyway to the past friends and people I screwed over, I miss you all. I hope you’re doing well. To the childhood I never had, leave me alone. To the people that denied how I felt, I forgive you.

My head hurts....I’m done for the night. I don’t think i even said anything of substance here. Just a word salad. I don’t feel satisfied at all. But i don’t know where to go from here...I think the hauntology music and weirdcore art I’m looking at is helping.

I just realized I could have talked more about loneliness and my attempts at trying to cure it or allieviate it. Another time...

[tricotea]

okay !! i havent posted anything over here in like ages !! but i've been knitting a lot !!!! this will be like a project overview post for my camisole no. 9 by my favorite things knitwear .... mostly just so i remember what i did and whats going on... it's not finished yet but when it is i will ... probably post pictures?? idk. i always forget about that part.... alright probs long post under the cut...

okay tbh who knows when i started this but as of right now i have just finished the double/folded hem on the bottom... it's going good so far! i like. so i asked a knitting discord group whether i should knit the cami no 5 or 9 as a first ever knit garment and they all said neither bc the gauge is really fine. and well they were probably right. well but i had already bought the yarn so cami no 9 it is... I guage swatched with 3mm needles and didn't like the fabric, it was pretty gappy. started knitting it up with 2.5mm needles and it's a lot better now ! the stockinette for the body kinda flew by it went a lot faster than i expected... i tried it on like twice throughout and each time i like. i just need to get better at/better yarn for taking my work on and off the needles because it was a little rough at times. the folded hem OML the folded hem it didn't take as long as i thought, BUT it took me a while to get the hang of it. first off: i need to get sewing thread that is a larger contrast to the yarn. second i need to get better at threading stuff in bc oml. the first time i did it it was a mess. the second time i got it all on right, but acciddentally cut and tied it off when the yarn was bunched up on one of the needles so i couldn't actually use the needles to knit it 😭 it was like impossible and there were a bunch of knots in my sewing thread so i just gave up and cut some of the thread so i could actually knit and freeball it when i had to go pick up stitches. well that was a bad idea. looked at a tutorial for how to do it and i completely messed it up and make a bigass diagonal line on the side of the cami before realizing. had to rip back a folded hem which ive discovered is very difficult. oh for the hem i went down to 2mm needles... eventually i just stuck some more sewing thread in there and figured it out... although i'm still not 100% sure on which stitches to pick up... is it the ones below the thread? above? and how close to the needle? at one point i kinda just said fuck it and picked up whichever one looked right, and so now part of the hem is super bunched up from when i realized no actually there is a method to this and had to fix it lol. excited but nervous to start the neckline, but i wanna get this done before it gets too cold !!!! happy knitting :)

Quick info-

needles - 2.5mm bamboo for the body, 2mm metal for the hem

size - M

yarn - knitting for olive cotton merino in dusty banana

[ganondoodle]

so i hope its fine if i add it here bc it adds to this post and also i want to complain about the house too fdnfvndjnj (i havent done so much bc i thought i was being petty ..)

@blossom-beast replied to this with:

"As someone who wasn’t streaming the game and just a casual player I made maybe three things to use for getting around and nothing else. It was always EASIER and FASTER to just use a strong weapon or teleport. So I barely used any of that and it it really did feel like I was missing out in the end. But it just wasn’t something in could get into using when my mindset for it while playing a Zelda game. Is the little romba cool? Sure! Is it useful? Not really. I feel like maybe something like the beetle in skyward word I’d have used often, if it was one thing with use but it just felt too cluttered for me with everything. I’d use a rocket and glider for the depths and sky and not much else honestly. And the horse was 9/10 times more useful for the surface and didn’t explode into 40 pieces or need a battery. Also I feel the focus on building everything ruined some stuff like the house? Oh I hate the house. I was so excited at the idea of making a cute house I maybe upgraded to make bigger? and I’m just given ugly cubes and big flat area. No trees or scenery. I can make some weird shaped thing that feels empty. It could have been so good but the building gimmick felt so forced in and half baked for it."

i agree with this! alot actually, i didnt build much either, at first sure bc you know, its a new gimmick, but given how its both overused (its the solution to the majority of the puzzles) AND underused (its absolutely non relevant to the actual story- you dont need it in any way to get to the end either .... house ...) its novelty wore off extremely quickly, whenever i had to build something it was more of a chore, getting a krog (engl korok) to its friend i much prefered to jsut have my horse wear the gear that just lets you attached them to it rather than build anything thats not gonna work and more often than not, backfire and make the task more tedious- i didnt feel like i missed out tbh bc i did give it a try but after realizing that all you could build where either small little get arounds or gigantic things that are only good for a trailer but not in the actual game, i used it when i had to and otherwise didnt, put it on the list of meh things

(also .. the turning mechanic ... i think they did best they could with it but as a whole .. i feel like it added more frustration than fun bc it was so wobbly to use and really only needed for when you want to make super precise buildings, i feel like botws was a better balanced middle ground of the grabbed object turnign itself depending on how you grab it with magnesis)

the car things and anything that you can drive in totk really .. its fun for some time until you realize how little useful it actually is (not getting up steep hills, getting caught on terrain, kinda janky to control/steer) and then it also despawns whenever you enter a loading zone or even just get a little too far away, and it breaks apart even when you dont do that, which can be pretty funny when you are suddenly realizing in panic that your planes gonna blow, but also gets pretty frustrating when you build, espeically flying things, complicated vehicles that just pulverize after a bit of distance .. which given how emtpy the sky actually is is kinda a big problem bc you can rarely actually make it there with anything you build (i guess we know why the sonau mined the sonanium (zonaite?) en masse bc given the rate that these things just .. vanish into thin air after a 100 meters they would need a truckload of them anythign they wanted to do anything ....

and in the underground you can barely use any vehicle at all bc its also both kinda empty, but also has a lot of holes and uneven terrain all ground vehicles struggle with, flip around or get stuck, youd be faster jsut walking bc the time you save driving is made up with getting your vehicle unstuck again

most of the time you are gettign punished for using the mechanic that, while irrelevant to the actual story, was MADE for you to fuck around with

(and heres a bit where i think shiekah stuff would have been better, they got no wheels, but grabby metal tentacle arms that would have been so good to get around uneven terrain or rocks or anything wheels get stuck on? the actual propeller thingies could be more powerful than fans ... maybe building would be done by zelda and both powered and steered with links shiekah tech prosthetic omitting the need to a steering thing, and make part of it ingrained into the environment, a broken shrine you can take parts of etc, its harder or takes longer to build but then in return it doesnt break and despawn immediately ... fusing a proppeler to your arm so you can use it like raviolis gale ... so much possibility)

a horse is pretty much the best way to get around, which ... is kinda ironic, in botw i used horses bc i loved how they made them, they are the only horses in any videogame that felt that "real" to me, but also alot out of spite bc people kept hating on how useless they were, espeically with the addition of the eponator zero with the DLC, and now in totk they give you literally cars .... and horses are suddenly your best option xD

and the house ..... man the house was such a disappointment, i felt so betrayed after zelda apparently just ... took over your house (and there wasnt even a second bed or anything, where did link live???) but then i heard i could build my own and, me, the -plays sims only for the building aspect really- kind of guy, was so excited and then .. it was jsut an empty lot you had to put the few options of blocks together, i spent so long on that but ... its so limited (in number of rooms you can have and .. its just a premade room you cant realyl change anything about) and it was hard to make anything look decent while also have some of it functional, you had so little ways to even just .. have your house not be literallly open on some side, and the lot remains utterly empty (the "garden" doesnt really count imo) .. you cant even change the COLORS of your walls (that shouldnt be too hard to do right??) and you dont even have the option to build a roof like ... ok id rather have my old house back at that point bc at least it looked good/integrated into the world (and the way to get your horse into the stable is so ???? ... also the guy is always there .... watching ... waiting .....)

this got long again didnt it ...

seeing all the crazy stuff people build in totk kinda ... it feels like that is also a factor in why it turned out like this, like the insane things people did in botw and the (i keep saying devs when i actually mean the directors .. producers?) directors saw it and build totk just around letting people do it all 100 times more

to be clear, i think its impressive as hell what some people build (i just saw like .. a movie scene with a functioning mech gozilla and tanks made with totks building stuff ... what the fuck) and those things go pretty viral (understandibly so) but i also gotta question

as creative, free, and impressive as it is ... should that have been the focus in a zelda game? like .. is building mechas and tanks like that something that should be in a zelda game? can it be in there without inevitably sacrificing so much else? theres building games just for that? and if you want to make it zelda themed you can make it a spin off?

like i get it, people did crazy things in botw, they saw what people had fun with and dialed it up to a 1000 in totk, which in itself is not bad, even pretty good if you consider gamedevs and feeback and all that bc in general you should embrace what people had fun with in your game even if it wasnt the intent, given that nintendy listens to feedback (perhaps even a bit too much at times) and creative solutions was a central point to botw design philosophy but

i feel like totk kinda .. missed the balance?

if its really a reason why totk is build around enabling that in a purely player centered toy box kind of way without it actually mattering in the story .. or even themes ... was it worth it? not to sound like an oldschool boomer tm but in a franchise that iconic, lore and story focused, should you really abandon nigh all lore/story cohesion just to give the player a big box of toys in a world where i feel that doesnt ,, really belong? in a direct sequel in the same world with the same characters no less? that point is perhaps the biggest issue with it, bc again lots of games even if somwhat a sequel, had strange new tech or things in the world but in all of those cases it was some alternative universe, millenia after the other game, or on an entire different continent; while totk is supposedly just a few years after botw in the very same hyrule

(still doesnt explain the erasing of all shiekah things and replacing it with sonau- tho suddendly revealing the shiekah had actual rockets, wheels with suspension and grenade-launchers, might have been confusing too- you could have enabled the player creativity with shiekah too imo, and personally i would have found it way more fun ... lil guardian leg crawlies ..)

having thought about it feels rather logical why they did it in alot of ways, but also ... totk is build around it, while its also not build around it at all- its build around the PLAYER, not the world, not the story, not the theme, not the character, but YOU (especialyl those that dont realyl care about anythign story or lore stuff and just want to have fun with the gameplay loop, which isnt wrong, but i question whether thats the right kind if player to center in a zelda game .... also not saying all of those that build these crazy things are like that but- ... i hope you know what i mean)

(i know games are always build around the player, or should be, but .. do you get what i mean????? playing in a world that doesnt make sense anymore bc its all a box of toys yeeted into my face isnt fun to me, bc im here not only for gameplay fun but for the world .. theme .. characters, its something that has to be harmonical as a whole for me and totk just .. isnt)

i say it alot but i do really mean it, its very difficult to get my thoughts and feelings written out and to have them come across correctly

[colorguardsweetheartblurrsgirl]

Sorry Been away. Here's a random doodle I did a few weeks ago. I promise to get more art out.

Computer's been like all my electronics having alot of issues based on age. But I finally got my art program up and everything's set to go. Should have a few posts in the next week or two. Just have to help my folks out with a house project they have.

So where have I been at lately???

Also guess I'm doing more work for them, there's a few projects they need my help with. Again for those again don't know I am an only child (now adult I pale thinking Im about to turn 31) who helps take care of my disabled mom alot of the time. Shes been disabled my whole life and often I've had to move my life to fit around that (included having to often limit my activities so I could help around the house), even had to come back from University. But it's all out of love and respect for them. I may complain sometimes but it's just the stress and worry as I know my parents are technically elderly even If I refused to see them as such and I am taking care of their house on my own which can be overwhelming at times.

My mom officially has a cane now. But luckily her knee pains gone (apparently Frankenscense is really good for pain [not endorsing just didnt know it was used for that, thought fun fact!]). So that's a plus.She found something to work for her pain so there have been a few good days. Just her emotional state can snap sometimes due to health and it's harder for me to be on days like that as I need to care for her or myself and my emotional state die to it, having never had anxiety before it's a whole new ball park learning curve on how to handle what I was used ti (trying to navigate her bouts when shes like this is dificult).

So I never know one day to the next if her health is good or bad. Sometimes it's so debilitating for her, you'd expect a terribly hard few days for her, only to wake the next day and shes on the floor clinging, moving around bending limber as ever and cheerful. So it's a uphill down hill rollercoaster I never know what it's going to be. But it's worth it, and she fully understands I have projects and havent been able to regularly post lately due to her health issues and moments. But yeah if anything I want to ensure my mom lives healthy long as I can so she comes first in my life. I realized after a conversation I should have said something on here.

Due to that I can't usually give an update knowing if it's good or bad with her. I'm trying to do better as I get closer with this and posting more regular updates. I just, I pray her health improves and God let's us get all the work done, the stuff I need to help her with and need to do on my own.

....

I may post the full doodle... but I just liked this angle the best.

I took images of it at various angles and this one I really liked.

[scribblescrabbledepartment]

idk if its bc im just shit outta energy or bc ive been disappointed with recent efforts (or if the 2nd is a result of the 1st) but i like. dont even wanna try to draw Actual Good Stuff these past few days i just feel like Doodling

[mercur1e]

Helllooooo

Soo I just saw you're headcannons are literally 💞💞

It's lowkey the only thing keeping me safe and alive ✋😌......soooooo can I request Gom + kuroko and kagami (if it's to much you can just doo Aomine, Kise and Midorima and akashi)where they accidentally hurt their s/o feelings pleaaseeeeee..... I need some angst but please end it in fluff (cuz i lowkey cannot handle it)

Please take care of yourself, your health always comes first, I love youuuu ❤❤❤

Ofc love! I hope you're doing well and I love you too :) <333

Akashi

He disregarded your hard work :(

You're trying to start your own small business and you're having a little trouble, which is not unusual that happens sometimes!

You were having trouble hiring employees and you were talking to him about it, and he was in a bad mood prior to you approaching him

"You're not going anywhere with this. It would just be better to give up on it. You're not going to make it that far even if you do succeed. And can you leave? I'm busy and all you're doing is acting as a distraction."

You just froze, you couldn't believe what he had just said

Not only did he know how much work you were putting in, he also knew how excited you were for the future of your shop too

You didn't even say anything, you just froze with shock, hurt, and surprise and stomped out of his office

You left the house, you needed some time to cool off and cry

It took Akashi a second to realize what he had said and how hurtful his words were, so he started looking all over for you in the house. He goes into the garage to see your car is gone and he assumes the worst.

You don't pick up the phone when he calls you or answer his texts, opting to turn it off after the fifth call.

You stay by your best friend for the night and they comforted you and told you he probably didn't mean it, and that you can stay as long as you need

After you leave from by your friends place you go to your favorite cafe for some breakfast

And guess who's there, Akashi.

You turn around and walk out because you were honestly not ready to deal with him just yet and it was too early in the morning for all that

He catches you on the way out and apologizes :)

"Love, I apologize for what I said yesterday. It was inconsiderate, hurtful, and wrong. You've been working so hard on your business and you're doing your best to make it happen. I was in a bad mood yesterday and I dont know what came over me. Will you forgive me?"

Looking you in the eye as he spoke every word, holding your hands and rubbing them, you know he was truly sorry and wants to fix what he did.

"I forgive you Sei, but what you said was really hurtful. You know how much this means to me and how much work I've been putting in. But I do forgive you."

He takes you out to eat at your favorite restaurant and watch a movie afterwards back at home, kisses you tons and holds you in his arms when you fall asleep.

He also puts in a good word with his work associates about your business and you gain more employees and popularity! But unless you want to do it completely on your own he's there supporting you every step of the way and giving you advice :)

Midorima

He acts like your affection is kryptonite, even though you're not a clingy or overly-affectionate person

You guys had been together for about 3-4 months

He always brushes you off even at the most simplest acts of affections, you're starting to really question if he even wants to be together.

Well this particular time he embarrassed you in front of the team :/

There was a break in between practice and you went to give him his water bottle and give him a hug

"Hey Shin he's your water bottle, don't work yourself too hard okay?"

After that you went in for a quick hug but he held a hand against your chest and glared at you

"Why are you always so clingy? You're always on me and its annoying. Can you just leave me alone or leave?"

He said that right in the middle of the court, everyone's eyes were on you and you felt embarrassed.

"...alright."

That's all you after said you shoved the water bottle into his hand and walked out of the gym.

Takao was the one to call him out on his behavior and tell him that he was being rude and that he should apologize

Midorima took that advice and after practice, he went to find you and apologize, except you weren't anywhere he checked or thought you would be

You avoided him for 3 days straight until he arrived at your house unannounced

Your lucky item in his hand, he gives you a well deserved apology

"Y/N I- I'm sorry that I was being rude to you. There was no reason for me to act like that and I haven't been appreciating you like I should. That was rude of me and I hope you except my apology. Also- this is your uh lucky item."

He hands you a plushie :)

He gives you hugs and reassures you that he appreciates your affections despite him not being used to it!

He also got an extra lap at practice from Miyaji lol but he decided not to tell you that part

Kise

Is very busy and it's sometimes hard to make time for you :(

And you also couldn't show him affection in public or be around him because his fangirls would throw a hissy fit

He hasn't been answering his phone and he can't really get that close to you at school so you've been feeling left behind

When you finally managed to catch him, you said you wanted to go out and just catch up because you two haven't spent much time together and he agreed

However Kise forgot about the plans and you were waiting at the restaurant, alone.

You went home that night upset, tired, and wondering if you even want to be in a relationship anymore

You stopped texting him and talking to talk to him at school, not that you even had that much time to talk to him and school anyway

Kise had realised a whole day later that he had forgotten about the plans you two had made together

He took off from work the whole week, even though his manager was mad about it and went off to find you

He found you at a park after school and approached you with flowers in his hand

"Y/N baby I'm so sorry I forgot about our date. I can't imagine how you must've felt and to make up for it I called the whole week off! I'm really, really sorry that I havent had time for you. Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah, I forgive you Kise I'm just really hurt that you stood me up. You knew we hadn't spent alot of time together and I was really hoping to catch up with you that night. But I'm just happy you're here."

He takes you to a concert! Your favorite artist was in town and he bought tickets for the two of you!

The whole week was filled with fun, love, and lots of conversations :)

He promises to make more time for you and be there for you whenever he can!

He also posts you on his socials and shows you affection at school, showing his fangirls that he's not for them, but for you and they can go away of they don't like that

Aomine

You feel like he doesn't put any effort into the relationship

It's always you doing everything, it just gets tiring

He doesn't really make an effort to do anything, like plan dates, hang out, or just spend time together

He also uses basketball as an excuse to not hang out with you when you already know he's not at practice

Like if you want alone time man just say that

So you had planned a date for you two, nothing big just going to the movie theaters yk

He cancelled last minute, saying Imayoshi was forcing him to come to practice

It was a sunday, they don't have practice in sunday

You talked to Momoi as she is a close friend of yours too, about how you feel like you're the only one making an effort and that you feel like he doesn't want to spend time with you

She tells you to confront him about it, so you do

The next time Daiki comes to your house you ask him about it

"It just feels like I'm the only one putting work into the relationship and I feel like you're avoiding me. You make up excuses to not be with me and bail on me last minute...do you even want to be with me? And if you do want alone time just be upfront about it, don't give me terrible excuses or flake out on me."

Aomine honestly didn't know you felt that way

Now that he looks back at it, it has been mainly you doing most of the stuff in the relationship, and he can see why you feel like it's only you trying

"You're right, it has been mainly you doing stuff for both of us. I'm gonna start putting in more effort because it's time I do. I'm sorry that I've been making shitty excuses to not hang out with you, and cancelling all of a sudden. I'll be honest when I don't feel like going out and I'll spend more time with you."

He makes it up to you by taking you to a festival and going to see a movie with you

True to his word, he starts putting more effort into y'alls relationship and you two take turns planning dates

And if he doesn't feel like going out you guys have at home dates instead :)

I know this took a little longer than usual, I'm sorry for the little setback. Hopefully you like them! Thank you for requesting and feedback is appreciated! Love you <333

[birdkittenn]

continuing where i left off

wrath layer fic chapter 2 reaction:

once again, author's notes reaction. i found the details tag from a tumblr post once and decided id stash the info away until i could use it somewhere. and that turns out to be here

yeah. feral little guy who wants to kill and murder but stopped by the guy who isnt feral

everything is gayer from v2's pov, who has already realized his feelings and trying so hard and failing at getting rid of his crush on this stupid blue fuck

and then i have little thoughts on the little v1-sentry interaction. it's there i guess. v1 the undersocialized little guy who only knows how to kill panicking because if not kill, then what do?? the fact that there's a Lot of people didnt help

oh the v1 trauma scene. im dreading a little at rereading this, i dont think it was good >-<

first, from current v1's pov, who has forgotten what has happened. this reads fine honestly

and now with the memory. the last line in the center is part of v1 realizing that its stuck in a loop and deleting the memory. so far with how i've written it, v1 does Not fare well when realizing it failed an order/task/anything. it does better at not marking things as failure now but it still handles it poorly

current idea that im not 100% sure will make it into the series is that memory deletion does not mean deletion of like, feelings. the stress is Still There. which. you know. if v1 suddenly finds itself in a loop where it keeps deleting its memories, and thereby placing it back into the exact same situation each deletion, the stress just continues building up and. yeah

not sure how i feel about the fact that, so far, my pre-canon characterization of v1 and v2 is that v1 is the most anxious thing that loves to kill ever, and v2 is like...there. v2 going "wow, its so easy being an unfeeling machine" [proceeds to not even realize he is experiencing feelings]. v2 is very stressed when he learns that he has feelings like everyone else. deals poorly with having them. v1 is just always stressed the fuck out though. i guess it's like a cheetah or something

word of the author means nothing btw if its not in the series. everything can change at any time i just like talking about my current plans

v1's reaction to conflict like this! it doesn't want to talk about that at all and gets angry if you try. the anger comes from something like fear though

ok the drawing scene! i struggled with explaining the concept behind it a little. i looked up an image of a lighthouse and mentally broke stuff down into shapes and then tried to describe that as best as i could

if i have to be completely honest, the idea of robots being Very Good at just tracing art and doing realistic art, but struggle more with the abstract stuff comes from this fic. i havent finished reading it nor do i really remember a lot of stuff anymore these days but that was 1 of the scenes that stuck out to me. another scene that sticks out to me is the part where sun tries to describe his favourite colour, but its a very specific colour, guy probably has the hex code for it and all, and tries really hard to recreate that exact colour. its cool i need to reread if i ever get the time. 107 chapters got hands

ivan aivazovsky! i wanted one of his wave paintings specifically because the first time i saw it, i went WOAH and so i knew i had to use one of his paintings for my yaouri fic. and then the part where their conversation drifts away from the drawing topic is because i ran out of things to say and also i needed them to move onto the next thing i wanted them to do

oh, the voice thing is next! v2's voice is perfectly fine by the time of the 7-3 fic, but in the 4-4 fic, it was fucked up. i needed a reason as to why v2 would restore his voice and the answer is v1 just likes it. v1 likes to listen to him a lot. it also likes to make him shut up but like lovingly

oh, from one of the glitched text, i transcribed "play nice" as "pʰle͡j na͡js" partly from that 1 time i took a linguistics course and they made me transcribe those sounds as e͡j etc instead of whatever online dictionaries transcribe it as, and then that just stuck with me. i also had a moment while transcribing "play" as like hey wait a minute! air releases when i pronounce the p in play, so i should add the symbol for that

i have that outfit in my closet! no pictures but i know exactly what it looks like. sadly have been unable to find an image that looks like my dress online

i have also had a scene where once v2 finally dresses up v1, his pet name for it is just doll. like. yeah. i havent found an excuse to get v2 to do that though

(v1 is just laying down on a couch during this scene)

oh yeah i had v1 teasingly call v2 a sculpture but didn't know exactly how to get it to do that. i mean i figured it out but yeah. i dont know if this was a planned thing that never came to fruition or something i made the fuck up just now (memory not the best) but they wouldve played around a bit with the actual sculptures in the room and comparisons wouldve been made

aaand that's the end of the chapter. i dont have any further thoughts on this

and the below screenshot is the alternate petting scene where v2 overheats. i instead moved the overheating to the next chapter. v2 cannot handle this amount of affection (yet) (he unwillingly gets trained to tolerate more before he gets far too happy about it and ceases to like function for a bit) (thanks v1)

who wants to see me liveblog my reaction to my own fic

[cinnamon-bunni]

fun fact: i wrote this all while listening to Positive ☆ Dance Time on loop :) also this fic, which i made quickly in one night, is so much better than my first chapter of my other fic (and the second one too lol) (also this was not reread even once soooo there will be mistakes but oh well <3) i also wanna say this probably takes place between chapters 3 and 4 (both i havent written yet haha ^^;) so i'll probably post this onto ao3 then. just so yall know timeline stuff lol anyways, hope y'all enjoy it <3

Word count: 1.5k Warnings: idealization of suicide

When Kim woke up, the first thing that greeted him was darkness. The second thing was a headache. A horrible way to wake up, but as something Kim was familiar with, he stopped caring.

In an attempt to sit up, his head tried to kill him. So, he went back down with a thump. And not a soft one either, since the couch–because he was on the couch, not his soft and comfortable bed–was more wood and springs rather than cushion and sponge. It made his back ache, in a way that made him want to scream. But alas, he was too tired to, and instead closed his eyes in hopes of falling back into a blissful sleep. It wasn’t going to happen, Kim knew that, but sometimes he liked to cling onto small hopes.

It was silent for a while. Kim almost believed that maybe he fell back asleep, if it weren’t for every part of his body hating him. His throat was dying for water, his head was throbbing, his skin was prickly and felt fake as it rubbed against the shitty fabric of the couch, every single one of his muscles ache, and his brain wanted to turn off and never turn back on. Maybe it would be better if it did just turn off. Then at least he wouldn’t have to deal with days like these.

Turns out, hangovers made everything about a hundred times worse. But that was Kim's fault, wasn’t it? He made that choice, and now he had to deal with it. That’s just how the world works, Kim. He could just hear his dad’s lectures in his head. It made him want to throw himself off of a cliff. And he thought about it, and it didn’t seem that bad of an idea. The world would keep moving either way, no matter if a cockroach like him was at some bar getting drunk or drowning in a river. As long as it was something that would kill the noise in his head, then he didn’t care.

The front door opened. The loud creak announced someone’s presence, and it made Kim squeeze his eyes shut. The action made his eyes hurt, yeah, but he really didn’t want the possible light to pour in and force him to face the world. He didn’t want to, not yet.

“Ji-Ho?” Oh. He didn’t even realize his sister was here. It made sense though; it wasn't like anyone else had access to his apartment. Her voice was quiet and soft, unlike her usual pissy tone she used at him.

Right. Hana. His sister who wrapped up his bloody knuckles after getting brawls or just beating the shit out of punching bags while drunk. His sister who rolled him onto his side after officially passing out. His sister who dealt with his shitty living style and shitting apartment for the summer without much complaint. His sister who always tried to make his world brighter, even if she was bad at it. His sister, who seemed to care about his well being.

Kim forced his eyes open. It was hard, but he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He wasn’t sure what time it was, but light was effectively blocked out with the curtains. Some of it still snuck in from underneath the short curtains, and it hurt to look at it. He really should just get used to it by now.

“Ji-Ho.” His sister spoke louder now, probably expecting an answer. It made him wince, but look at his sister.

“What?” God, his voice was so hoarse. He really needed to get something to drink. 

“Don’t you have work today?” Kim furrowed his brow. He probably did in all honesty, but that didn’t explain why he drank so much when he knew he had work. Maybe he just stopped caring. That seemed to be a recurring theme. 

Oh well, wasn’t like he was gonna go now. He’d rather die than step foot into the WVBA. He didn’t even think he could take a step outside of his apartment, much less get in a good set of work clothes, get his ID, and deal with the idiots down at the association. Maybe his sister could keep him company.

Hana then turned on the lights, and Kim wanted to do nothing else but kill her. He pressed the heel of his palms against his eyes, but the damage had already been done.

“Hana,” he groaned, falling to lean against the arm of the couch. “Why would you do this?”

She scoffed, and he could hear her eyes rolling. “You’re so dramatic. Maybe if you drink all the time you wouldn’t be having these problems.”

He grunted at that as a response. He listened as she moved what sounded to be plastic bags, and opened up cabinets. Maybe she went shopping–it was something he knew he needed to do, but always ended up pushing it further down in his to-do list. Maybe now they could eat proper food, like canned soup and frozen pastries. 

Kim, by using every bit of his willpower, pried his eyes open. His eyes took forever to adjust to the harsh light, but he tried. He listened silently as his sister put away what he could only assume was groceries, and focused on how horrible his muscles and body felt.

“Are you still taking me to the match today?”

Huh? What match? Kim didn’t remember there being a match. “What’re you talking about?”

“Don Flamenco’s match!” she exclaimed, as if it was obvious. She slammed a box of chocolate Pop-Tarts on the counter and spun around to face him. “You promised me that I could watch all of Flamenco’s matches in person!”

Oh yeah, he did, didn’t he? He even bought all of the tickets. He didn’t remember that last part, though.

“And I have to go and watch today’s match, because he’s going against Little Mac! I need to see how it goes down in person, Ji-Ho!”

Honestly, Kim wanted to see that for himself, too. Watching Don Flamenco get his ass handed to him by some seventeen-year-old kid would be hilarious. And it would be a good enough time to take a quick detour to buy another pack of cigarettes–he was sure he was getting low, and he hated the feeling of a light box in his pocket.

But also, the idea of going somewhere that was packed with screaming fans made him feel sick. He didn’t want to go into a stuffy room filled where he would sit shoulder-to-shoulder with people who cared too much for some dumb sport. He hated the idea of getting up and forcing himself to go somewhere.

“Can’t you just go by yourself?” She was sixteen, Kim was sure she could handle it. She didn’t need a chaperone to follow her around. She really didn���t need him.

The stomp she gave made him flinch. He hoped the downstairs neighbors didn’t mind some good ol’ ceiling shaking caused by his sister. “What? No fair! You promised you’d go with me!”

“When the fuck did I say that?” No way did he actually make the promise. He never makes promises he knows he won’t keep.

“You said so when I first got here! Now c’mon–it doesn’t start until a few hours, so you have plenty of time to sober up or whatever you need to do.”

God, he didn’t want to go. He wasn’t going, he just couldn’t. Kim knew he was weak because of it, yeah, but the thought of going made him want to pull his hair out and walk into the ocean.

“I’m not going, Hana. You can go yourself.” Oh, now she was angry. Her face was actually getting red and everything.

“That’s not fair!” she yelled. Jesus, was her voice always that shrill and loud?

“Don’t really see the problem,” he replied with a shrug. “You get to enjoy a boxing match that has Don Flamenco in it without me hovering over you all the time. You should be ecstatic.”

“But-”

“Tickets are on my dresser,” he continued. “So don’t forget them when you leave, yeah?”

“You’re horrible!” He shrugged off that one, too. He felt numb to it all. Maybe that wasn’t a good thing, but it made it easy to talk to his sister.

He didn’t even realize that she left until the door slammed. Kim hoped quietly to himself that she grabbed the tickets–he knew she’d regret it if she didn’t. But he didn’t care enough to check.

Now that he was back to being alone, Kim ended up laying back down. He wouldn’t be able to sleep, not on that horrible couch and with his back problems, but closing his eyes felt nice and relaxing.

He knew she was looking forward to it. He knew the WVBA was probably trying to make sure his position was being covered. He knew a few of the boxers were probably wondering where he was. But Kim couldn’t bring himself to care.

He just didn’t care.