#bc it is of course the ultimate sin to repeatedly engage in something that makes u happy dont u know ?
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idk if its bc im just shit outta energy or bc ive been disappointed with recent efforts (or if the 2nd is a result of the 1st) but i like. dont even wanna try to draw Actual Good Stuff these past few days i just feel like Doodling
#which doesnt bother me necessarily doodling is fun#it satisfies my need to draw a bunch of shit real fast with no pressure for it to be good#it just Feels like i should be doing something better#but whatever thats not my problem#i Have been mostly doodling the same thing which i feel bad about#bc it is of course the ultimate sin to repeatedly engage in something that makes u happy dont u know ?#thats illegal u cant draw the same thing more than 5 times or else the uhh Fun Police come and tell u to branch out#i havent actually had anyone tell me that on here im just vagueing about my mom#i dont really show her anything unless im really proud of it but u know. years of conditioning blah blah blah Whatever#not my problem#anyway i feel like i cant do too much of the same thing without throwing in some unrelated stuff between posts#& that irrational pressure i put on myself kinda deters me from posting sometimes#u know ??#sorry im just like working through my issues rn this is my replacement for therapy i never managed to get going to therapy#so i just talk to myself until i Realize Shit and work on it from there#i have to do it here i cant do it from the chat bc everyone else has worse problems & i dont wanna sound like a dick#i gotta be the helper friend in the chat i cant be dumping my shit in there#i think it is so fun that i Insist to the hoes that its fine to use the vent channel as much as they need to & i cant give myself#that same green light to vent#i look at myself & im like bro shut up bro that doesnt even Matter#yo its fine tho im getting better#i havent Actually wanted to die since college and im getting better at coping strategies so im good#sometimes i kinda just want reassurance that i deserve to be alive or whatever but thats not really anyone elses problem#& i usually only feel like that [spongebob voice] At Night so i just make myself go to bed#it feels bad when i try to fall asleep but im always better in the morning usualy#anyway i think i wanna draw gay shit tonight i just gotta figure out what kind of gay shit#if u read all that shit send suggestions my brain cells fried bro#yo this wasnt supposd to be this kind of post i really did just wanna make the initial point & end it#but u know how it is mother fuckerr#hitting post before i start reflecting on the slow burn lifelong inherent trauma that comes with being autistic bye
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