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wikipedie · 2 years

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jisbon and attachment styles and why the pike storyline actually makes a lot of sense despite us hating it*

(* and also why they couldn’t be together until after Red John was dead despite us preferring they were together earlier)

In this post I will talk about attachment styles, Lisbon and Jane’s traumas and the likely reasons that they developed their attachment styles and how they manifest in their relationships, including their relationship with each other. (+ the reason they’re still quite careful with each other in S7 and struggle to be vulnerable with each other) This will be a bit in depth so I ask you to be cautious while reading - do not hesitate to ask for help or support if you can. There is a risk in here, as I will be talking about their traumas (particularly their childhood abuse and neglect) so if it is a potentially sensitive subject for you, proceed with caution (or not at all, I suppose.)

All my thanks go to @chakramchaser, this would not have been possible without you being both willing to ramble with me and continuing the ideas and connecting some excellent dots. I appreciate you.

[Transcript - Discord chat:

wikipe: okay so teresa is disorganized style while patrick is avoidant most likely. Which makes their dynamic fascinating, now that i think about it. Teresa has moments when she’s anxious, but mostly she tends to avoid.

chakramchaser:

ITS WHY IT TAKES LITERALLY A DECADE

CUZ THEY JUST AVOIDDDD

Also the serial killer in the way blah blah ]

For the purposes of this post, I will only talk about the disorganized and the avoidant attachment styles. (https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/)

Disorgnized Style

The disorganized type tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their social bonds.

For adults with this style of attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear.

Fearful-avoidant people do want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, experience troubles trusting and depending on others.

They do not regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt.

Avoidant Style:

The dismissing / avoidant type would often perceive themselves as ‘lone wolves’: strong, independent, and self-sufficient; not necessarily in terms of physical contact, but rather on an emotional level.

These people have high self-esteem and a positive view of themselves.

The dismissing / avoidant type tend to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete.

They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds.

Adults with this attachment style generally avoid emotional closeness. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation.

Do these styles sound like some beloved characters we know?

Teresa Lisbon

(Season 7, episode 7 - The Yellow House)

[Transcript - Teresa Lisbon: Somebody had to be responsible.]

A disorganized / fearful-avoidant attachment style develops when the child’s caregivers – the only source of safety – become a source of fear. In adulthood, people with this attachment style are extremely inconsistent in their behavior and have a hard time trusting others.

"Driven to succeed to the point of developing an ulcer, no tolerance for superiors less sharp than yourself, shutting out girls that wanted to hang out with you, blowing off boys that want to get close. All the while, at every turn, wondering 'what is it I really want?' "

I will pull up her past with the help of the Mentalist wikia, since it is quite coherent and well said:

“Her mother was killed by a drunk driver when she was twelve (Red Badge). In the episode Red Tide, it is implied that she had to take over her mother’s role and care for her family at a young age. In Little Yellow House, Lisbon tells Jane that she had to be the parent to her brothers after the death of her mother. It is implied that her family life was not an easy one even before the death of her mother. Lisbon tells her brother Jimmy that someone in the household had to be responsible because, "You know what Mom and Dad were like." After her mother’s death, her father's drinking either started or worsened and he ended up killing himself. It isn't specified whether he did this accidentally or on purpose. Lisbon said that he “damn near killed me and my brothers too,” leaving both possibilities open. It may have been something like another drunken car accident, or simply neglect. In Red Badge Lisbon mentions that her father used to be violent, as he once beat one of her brothers half to death and didn't remember doing so. Apparently her father suffered blackouts when he drank.“

That is a whole load of “source of fear.” She lost the sense of safety pretty early in life and I argue that she no longer knows what safety feels like. On top of the trauma of losing her parents, there is the trauma of parentification that is implied she’s had to do from a very young age, taking care of her brothers to the best of her abilities.

This style shows up in simple ways: She both craves the intimacy of relationships and rejects it, fears it. Stability feels foreign to her.

She breaks off an engagement with Greg, and she does not seem to have any serious stable relationships during her time at CBI. (“You’re too intense and particular for a man like that.” “Whatever happened to that guy from Narcotics?” “Jeff? He bit his nails.” “That’s particular.”)

She is wistful for a good and loving relationship but she doesn’t know how to keep it, runs away at the opportunity.

Through these lenses, the relationship with Pike makes sense: She is tired of waiting for a man who might never actually love her, she finds a good man in Pike, she longs for the stability and beauty that a relationship with him might provide, while also being terrified of it (and longing for Jane, of course). She is absolutely terrified when Pike asks for her hand in marriage. Of course, you could argue that it is sudden, unexpected, too soon and any woman would panic. But I want to bring up the fact that she doesn’t say “No” immediately, though. She wants to make it work, or to think about it. Or to see if Jane would care. (And I am firmly convinced that she might have said no to the marriage regardless if she left with him to D.C.)

She says “Yes.” But she does it while running away from Jane, who lied to her and manipulated her again and hurt her again. She says Yes to Pike, but doesn’t even listen to what he says afterwards, just looks out at the hotel where she left Jane.

And then, in the end, she leaves Pike too. Pike looks at Jane in Season 7, tells him that he had a life and a family to offer to Teresa, but I think Teresa is just as afraid of them as much as she craves them. She does not know stability, she does not know how to accept to be taken care of or work through the issues of her relationships for most of the show. She also is not sure of what she likes or wants for most of the show. (Even as she seems that she does, burying herself in her work, the only stable thing for her.)

She learns how to do these things slowly in the relationship with Jane. In Season 7 she starts being more vocal about her likes and dislikes, even with minor things (such as randomly saying that she likes s’mores). Opening up also allows her to deepen her connection to her brothers, whom she had avoided as well for most of her life. She shares her struggles, realizes where she was short-sighted and tries to do better about opening up. At the end of Episode 7, she feels comfortable enough to tell Jane that she loves him, too. And at the end, she’s no longer running away. She’s waiting. “What do you need?” “Time.” “Okay, I can give you time.”

Patrick Jane

(Season 7, episode 3 - Orange Blossom Ice Cream)

[Transcript - Erica Flynn: Patrick likes to pretend that he's this lone wolf.]

Parents who are strict and emotionally distant, do not tolerate the expression of feelings, and expect their child to be independent and tough might raise children with an avoidant attachment style. As adults, these children appear confident and self-sufficient. They do not tolerate emotional or physical intimacy and might not be able to build healthy relationships. What’s more, in the workplace, they are often seen as the independent, ‘lone wolf’. It is, however, possible for these individuals to change and develop a secure attachment style.

There is less known about Patrick Jane’s past than about Teresa. Again, the Mentalist wikia says it better than I ever could:

“He had a rough existence with his father, the only adult in his life, whose treatment and use of him was tantamount to child abuse. When Patrick refused to scam a dying girl and her grandmother, his father threatened him and forced him to do it. Jane later said that he never went to high school, presumably due to the nomadic carny life. Alex exploited Patrick for his skills, since he was very young. In Red John's Rules it is implied that Jane spent some time in foster care as a child.

Alex had a wedding ring on his hand, but Jane's mother was not mentioned in any flashbacks, so it is likely that she died or abandoned them.”

Jane’s childhood is one of neglect and abuse, peppered with some happy memories. His father makes it clear that he views taking care of Jane as being Jane’s responsibility, and moreover, that Jane owes it to him because he’s taken care of him up until then. (“I’ve been carrying you for a long time and it’s not getting any easier, son.” - Season 2, Episode 10, Throwing Fire) He either helps his father with his schemes or he is on his own.

Therefore, in adulthood, he is on his own. He struggles to let people in, struggles to accept help and accept partnership. He considers himself the smartest person in the room because he has to be - it’s a way to survive and he has nothing else.

As seen when he loses all memory of his family, the original childhood trauma makes him more callous and uncaring, having no limits and no boundaries (nor caring about others’ boundaries). It’s only him and nobody else.

It is likely that Angela was his moral compass. (as it is implied a few times that she was done with the carny life and the tricks) Even so, chakramchaser made a very valid point: “he still ran from it then - why else would he be running an empire of psychic cons. bro had way more money than he needed he just was addicted to the thrill. i feel like he thrived on the unpredictability.”

Over the course of the show, we see that he begins to trust other people (mainly Lisbon and the main team). However, he still struggles to let them in, either in his life and in his plans. He goes by himself in most of his plans, informing the team of the minimum necessary for them to know in order to execute the plan flawlessly. He makes more of an effort towards the end of the show and especially after he and Lisbon get together, but his first instinct is still to do things by himself. He cares, but he struggles to convey this directly, preferring to buy them gifts (to show that he knows them), to offer compliments, help them or at the worst, con his way (tricking Lisbon into staying for longer instead of telling her that he doesn’t want her to go).

However, we can notice an important shift after Red John dies and especially after he and Lisbon get together. Despite the fact he still struggles to communicate his feelings, he tries. Opening up towards Lisbon allows him to open up more towards others as well. For example, he makes an effort to inform Abbott when he has a plan that could be dubious (and tells him that he won’t be informed of the specifics in order to have deniability).

Healing comes through the good relationships that we form and we can definitely see this with Jane.

Jane and Lisbon - their relationship

After more than a decade of a deep friendship, Jane and Lisbon decided to become a couple after Lisbon got engaged to another man and was about to be out of Jane’s life. The common perspective is that they could not get together until Red John was dead, because Jane was determined to kill him and in turn Red John was obsessed with picking on him.

That is half of the story. The other half is that they are an disorganized/avoidant couple, do not really consider intimacy safe and do not really know how to express it unless it’s in high stakes. (That being the main reason Jane confessed his feelings in a big “rushing-to-the-airport-and-telling-you-the-truth-as-you-leave” moment.) As an example, I will show the moment from S4 that everyone and their mother is familiar with. I will transcribe underneath the pictures and then I will write my perspective in regards to what they think and feel.

(Season 4, episode 24 - The Crimson Hat)

[Transcript:

Lisbon, not looking Jane in the eyes: So, that thing you said before you shot me.

Lisbon, looking down: What did you mean?

[Jane looks contemplative for a few seconds, before saying]

Jane, with a slight smile: What did I say?

Jane, no smile: I was kind of hyped up.

Lisbon, looking at him now and sounding relieved: Me too. I thought at any moment we were gonna get found out.]

My perspective is as follows: Lisbon has a disorganized attachment style (or should I say…Messy?).

(Season 1, Episode 14 - Crimson Casanova)

[Transcript - Patrick Jane: Messy women make good lovers.]

This means she desires both closeness and distance. She asks Jane what he meant by telling her “Take care, Teresa. Love you.”, but she cannot look him in the eye. She does not know if it’s a confession and she does not know if she wants it to be a confession. She is not ready for this.

Jane, who did not expect her to call him out on this, takes a while to figure out how to respond to this. He is definitely not ready for this kind of intimacy. Whether the confession was a slip or not, he did not intend to talk about this afterwards. Therefore, he decides to go with “I don’t remember what I said.” I think the presence of the smile and the serious face afterwards is indicative enough. He knows she will not say the words out loud.

And she doesn’t. Moreover, she seems just as relieved for this excuse, since she decides to look at him in the eyes now.

In the fanfiction that I’ve read, a lot of people interpret Lisbon as being slightly annoyed or even downright upset about Jane pretending to not remember telling her “I love you”, but I don’t think she was. I think the perspective was both enticing and scary for her (another example pinpointing this is Pike asking for her hand in marriage).

Now, how does this change when they are in a relationship? They start to communicate more and express their likes and desires more, as well as listen to each other. (“You wore a vest. I like it.”) Their early traumas still haven’t disappeared, but they work through them together: they still have a tendency to brush off their emotions and say “It’s nothing, I’m fine”, Jane runs away for a bit when he is trying to figure out how to deal with the idea of Lisbon dying, and Lisbon remains to be responsible and deal with their feelings. But - they talk. Jane confesses to being terrified of losing her, Lisbon remains clear that she loves both Jane and the job. What seems initially as running away turns out to be running towards. It is true that he could’ve told her before, but it’s likely that he didn’t know what was going on either until he found the house. Jane was trying to find a way to deal with his intrusive terror. And yea, my guy would’ve benefitted from some therapy, but a new hobby (such as renovating a house) is the next best thing really. He comes back to her.

In conclusion, I think a lot of their decisions and instincts and fears can be explained by their attachment styles. The way their relationship evolves is absolutely fascinating. Honestly I find it really beautiful that two terrified people used to running away decide to stay for each other and come back to each other and do better to each other and for each other. Their final perp catch is done as a team.